the spectrum heart cathedral system

post-breakfast//

The ONLY thing I'm still scared of is the BANANA. There's more disturbance associated with them than I realized.
+ We still love eggs (1 s&p work nicely), but they're BEST eaten W/O UTENSILS! They don't make a mess that way. Pick 'em up & bite 'em! (They're a nice shape)
+ We legit enjoy these muffins now. Still crumbly though; PICK THEM UP TOO-- utensils just crush the poor things. We still "eat the top" first which MAY be the cause of our "how do I hold it" problem (like the "circling" burgers). Try eating it in a straight line like an average joe; In any case it's a little exercise in obedient self-mortification, which ALWAYS bears good fruit. ♥ Similarly, we WAITED until the last bite to put the butter on it, so we'd get it all at once. But THAT is abnormal, too! Practice properly spreading the butter on BEFORE you start biting into it.
+ WE LIKE COFFEE. We added 2 creamers only to 120mL and it was SO NICE. That bitter-brown undertone IS enjoyable. Sweet pushes RUIN that!
+ The vanilla chai tea is BEST PLAIN! It tastes vaguely like Christmas?? We'll need to experience it more deeply to find out-- this morning we were distractive anxiety over "needing to add milk/ creamer" to the rest. On that note, adding ONLY soymilk triggers the Borders memories!! FURTHER adding creamer BREAKS that COMPLETELY. There WAS a resulting & TOTALLY UNEXPECTED "flash" to AIRPORT STARBUCKS?? But that could be false, as we would base THOSE on "London fog"-- BUT then add cinnamon, nutmeg, AND vanilla powder!! So that's a fascinating regained historical awareness!
+ WE LIKED THE RAISIN BRAN!!! Yet another concept-only fear food redeemed!! Raisins are safe now, so that's half the battle, but we did NOT expect the bran to be SO POSITIVE! Apparently their core association is with MOM'S BRAN MUFFINS, which are PURELY POSITIVE, and also have raisins in them!! So thank you Mom, for unknowingly healing this ancient fear food through your gracious, generous, unfailing & always-sweet motherly love. ♥ And muffins!
+ We have GOT to heal bananas, but that can ONLY happen in earnest BY giving them a POSITIVE (EDIFYING!) RE-ASSOCIATION!! The only starting concept we have is identical to the applesauce: being so sweet, gentle, & soft already, bananas are IDEAL for baby food AND the elderly! So that humble communion can be a KEY anchor to further healing; without such humble softness & openness of mind & heart, we CANNOT heal!! And the literal physicality of a banana is a tangible, experiential reminder of that. Medical fears-- like "allergies," "GI/GL spikes" & "binding foods" have been PROVEN INAPPLICABLE to our treatment experience here, AND can be safely/ prudently/ easily/ fearlessly managed & tested otherwise. That lingering low-key but insistent banana anxiety IS "harm-based"; the fear is expecting injury/ damage, but WHERE? The body or the soul? Either way, they're BOTH IMPOSSIBLE!! Mark 7:15-23 AGAIN. Foods CANNOT affect your soul, because JESUS SAID SO; THAT is true no matter what the "new age" movement insists. Similarly, you won't "die" if you get a sugar rush, or a little gastric discomfort. GOD MADE YOUR BODY, AND HE MADE IT WORK; a tiny incident like that is easily "recovered from." PLUS, there is NO NEED to fear ANY bodily pains or discomforts; those DO count as "SUFFERINGS" that CAN be patiently & faithfully united TO THE SUFFERINGS OF CHRIST for the forgiveness of sins & conversion of sinners!! DON'T EVER FORSAKE SUCH A BLESSING!!! But in conclusion, let me ALSO repeat: no matter WHAT sinful things you've experienced in association w/ bananas, ALL SINS CAN & WILL BE WASHED AWAY BY CHRIST IF WE GIVE THEM TO HIM! So do that! GOD CREATED BANANAS, you know, so regardless of the devil's lies, the Creation is STILL GOD'S. ♥



post-lunch//

We had TWO juices-- OJ and grape-- and BOTH are safe/ positive!! OJ does have very slight residual "unease" but it feels attached to childhood in general, & our fear/ dread of SUMMERTIME STRESS bleeding over in context. But by itself, it's totally okay.
+ ITALIAN DRESSING... ISN'T SCARY! Again!! It's actually VIVIDLY associated with-- again!-- CHURCH BASEMENT DINNERS, the VFW, and I actually thing COLARUSSO'S?? Which is uncanny because Mom was JUST reminding me that our family used to have an ENTIRE dinner there on weekends, not just pizza-- they'd have antipasto & everything! And the memory EXISTS in tangible truth-- it simply needed that revival! AND, now that such a context IS accessible, we can FIND the memories that FIT there! I can even actually "walk around" the restaurant IN that memory now that I CAN enter it!! THIS is why it's SO IMPORTANT for us to get gutsy and FINALLY watch those family movies & study the photo albums-- and I MEAN "STUDY"!! Not just looking! We need to FEEL those photos IN ourself, and TRY to "enter" their times & places, to see what is restored, remembered, re-awakened, realized, etc. ALL our senses MUST be involved in this process of self-recovery; we're doing taste here, visuals at home, and sound (music) anywhere-- that stuff is POWERFUL for us; it's like a time machine-- the only two unpredictable ones are touch & smell, BUT those are highly specific and limited in their "exposure range." Still, we CAN "remember" a surprising amount of scents with equally surprising intensity. Touch is almost ABSENT from memory in comparison; I don't even know what a "touch memory" WOULD look like. So it's an interesting, exciting thought, the idea of investigating that-- it would be HUGE in combating depersonalization/ dissociation FROM our past AND present self, caused by DETACHING from touch input! It's something we really do have to pay more grateful attention to, with temperance!!
+ We are LEARNING to like pizza, haha! Our newfound appreciation for both bread & tomato sauce (that STILL floors me; glory be to God) helps a lot, obviously, but ironically, we're struggling with the CHEESE? First, though, let me honestly note that there is pepper in the sauce, which affects the vibe-- not sure how yet? But it seems to "ground" things directionally, & mute color saturation?? We'll see-- and I think it counts more as tomato PASTE? It's a notable darker/ less saturated Red in BOTH appearance AND vibe! So it's a little "dissonant" but not bad. BUT! The "bread" of pizza dough AND the "flour" of pasta TASTE/ VIBE DIFFERENTLY (darker/ lighter) and THAT matches the tomato differences!! It really is art. Nevertheless, on to the cheese. THAT triggers the S&V binge-trauma VERY loudly?? Which is distressing. It does NOT taste like our personal experience memories of pizza-- the closest vibe is childhood bowling alley pizza parties, and those were HISTORICALLY anxiety-riddled, as we were always just "an extra, unwanted face" amidst all our brothers' classmates, surrounded by noise & social pushing to "play," feeling totally rejected, powerless, and inept. And there was pizza. We're not sure HOW to heal those memories yet, but since we've identified them now we can work at it! Same with the recent disturbances. We NEED positive reassociation, I must emphasize. To conclude, though, I have one beautiful thing: when eating the pizza, we ate it WHOLE and in ONE DIRECTION!!! ♥ But while we were chewing the sweet, red-tinged bread, we took a sip of grape juice... and we thought of Jesus. It tasted exactly like our post-Church childhood memories of pizza & wine/ grape juice, and all His blessings... remembrance of Him. ♥ Thank You, Lord.
✳ The SALAD, though, taught us our BIGGEST lesson. Like last time, it had two big "banana pepper" slices on top, which are EXPLICITLY a trauma trigger. Having to eat them anyway, but not wanting to be slammed by those memories & anxiety, we instinctively searched our psyche for a POSITIVE focus/ association, and when we found nothing... we IMAGINED ONE??? We thought, "yes, these are scary for us, because they were a scary person's favorite food-- BUT! THEY AREN'T the only people in the world who DO like them!!" And we imagined, a priest, who loved their sour bite, reminding him of his Italian family's cooking AND of Christ's Passion, and that one of his elderly parishioners always bought him a jar and left it on the rectory porch with a little note of well-wishes. Just... the POSSIBILITY of such a POSITIVE person/ preference/ association existing TOTALLY OVERRODE THE TRAUMA TIE with its pure affectionate human joy!! BUT you know what the REAL GAME-CHANGER was??
THOSE POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION IMAGININGS CAN BE MADE REAL... IN THE LEAGUE!!
THAT GIVES US SO MUCH SOLID, TANGIBLE HOPE. It WORKS and its ACHIEVABLE and we can do it ANYTIME. It literally changes everything. Oh thank You God!! It feels like we can breathe for the first time in years; it's like heavy chains have just fallen, broken, from our arms at last. There's freedom, or at least the intimately close hope and promise of it, with this now. BUT don't forget, we CAN, SHOULD, and arguably MUST STILL CREATE POSITIVE PHYSICAL/ EXTERNAL REASSOCIATIONS, TOO-- because THOSE are the ones tied to SENSORY INPUT-- these League ones are INTERNAL, and are tied to MENTAL ASSOCIATIONS as a RESULT of sensory input occurring in a traumatic PHYSIOLOGICAL environment!! BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE were involved in the traumatic associations; therefore, BOTH must ALSO be involved in the HEALTHY, POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION AND PROCESSING!!
✳ So yes. Here, with hyperlimited physical options-- AND arguably ALSO chronic risks of FURTHER negative associations via bad/ trauma-triggering music, anxiety attacks, trivia overwhelm, unit noise scares, etc.-- we MUST constantly & consciously utilize INTERNAL re-association, ideally when in a SAFE environment (quiet, no threats of overwhelm), and with a calm mind!! BUT when we get home, THEN we can do more concrete work through healthy control of the contexts IN WHICH we revisit those "hurt" foods, to heal them on the OUTSIDE. But that's the future! Plan for it prudently, but don't obsess or overthink-- the future CANNOT be rigidly planned for. Jesus TOLD us "not to worry about tomorrow," so DON'T. The BEST prep/ "planning" we can do is DOING WHAT WE CAN TODAY, FOR TODAY, because one day the future will BE today!! Trust in God, be patient, and ACCORDING TO OUR CURRENT STATE IN LIFE, just do your best to please God in all you do. SOLI DEO GLORIA! THAT is always, ALWAYS our motivation AND our goal. Our healing is meant for HIM-- and it CAN ONLY HAPPEN THROUGH HIM AND BY HIM!! So PRAY, then listen, then obey. THAT is the foolproof, guaranteed path to recovery. ♥

post-breakfast//

Breakfast was perfect; no scary/ trauma memory triggers AT ALL, save for some gentle flavor recollections (cream cheese & grandma, vinegar on HB egg reminder of EASTER ♥, bagel association with mom, apples & the woods outside). We GENUINELY enjoyed the entire meal. We also tried the mint green tea! Very mild taste, not overpowering. Refreshingly neutral as well; relieving.

APPLE)
We're deeply fond of them tbh; there's an inherent sweetness & purity & simplicity to them that we love-- but they are ALSO so wonderfully rich in variation, and are almost archetypal symbols of health, discernment, and gracious bounty. That last one hit home today-- our "autumn apple" HARVEST TIME fear beginning to transform: before the trees start to die, they give us SO MUCH fruit; it is created not only to propagate life for the tree, but ALSO to SPECIFICALLY nourish the creatures that EAT the fruit, AND to spread seeds in fertile ground (often THROUGH being eaten!) so that life can be PLANTED DESPITE DEATH, and TAKE ROOT DURING WINTER. I just find that concept-- that REALITY-- so beautiful. And it helps me genuinely love apples.
★ The "stomach hurt" from the peel GOES AWAY; it's not debilitating! Cushion with the yogurt & tea, too!
✳ A NOTE... our TRUE fear is NOT the apple, but the "HARVEST FAIR/ FESTIVAL" and seeing apples in orange/ brown bushels & YELLOW FIELDS!!! Dude it's the FIELDS that scare us-- hay bales & corn mazes & acres of grain. Just like "out west," that visual of DRY, HOT, FLAT, featureless YELLOW is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. Even driving by them on the road makes us feel TRAPPED, HELPLESS, ALONE, and WITHOUT HOPE OR A FUTURE. Yellow fields, ironically, signify DEATH & EMPTINESS, not harvest & plentifulness.

+ Apparently we LIKE the bagel with cream cheese, which is nice actually. The texture isn't scary at ALL, it's chewy & nice! I think MANY, if not MOST, of our "food fears" have to do with MISUSE OF FOOD: distortion & binges. Eating things normally now ISN'T SCARY AT ALL!!

✳ CINNAMON smell is ACTUALLY A TRIGGER-- the SAME "autumn terror is here" panic signal as APPLE CINNAMON!!! (+CLOVE?? that one ALSO carries TBAS trauma, sadly)



post-group//

✳ "DIRT," EVEN WITH ART SUPPLIES, triggers CONTAMINATION PANIC. WHY???
(+REMEMBER: sxtrauma involved hands corrupted. we also had NO BATH ACCESS in CNC/SLC.)
(dirty clothes must have old trauma. carefully feel it out?)

+ Art/ music group = TRAUMA MELTDOWN. literally punching & biting self, screaming & sobbing in bathroom. COULDN'T COPE. guitar/ singing TERRIFYING. begging "shut up please, God why won't it stop, God I can't do this, I'm so afraid". hid in room, covered ears, cried. prayed & begged God for help.
+ also got treatment plan. they said I had a "fear of death." HUMILIATED & brokenhearted FURIOUS. what kind of a Christian AM I if I'm afraid of dying???? but look at me in every damn meal. I'm TERRIFIED of being poisoned or going into anaphylaxis, or having a heart attack from sugar shock or caffeine, etc. but that's because I'm TERRIFIED OF A DIS-GRACEFUL DEATH. dying from eating is a PIG'S death, a WHORE death. dying IN SIN. good girls don't die from food. if food kills me I go to hell FOREVER, and they'll make me eat EVEN MORE there. I AM afraid of that kind of death. but otherwise? IF I die in grace, by His Mercy I can go to GOD. FOREVER. and the eating is over forever. just God. and I want that so much. God please give me grace. I know I'm a wretched sinner but I need You or I WILL die, forever. save my life, for YOUR sake, please.



post-lunch//

+ pineapple SLC "trapped here alone forever" existential dread. overcome by association with Dad cruiseship & TIARA.
+ hamburger HEALED through last week's work. immediate mcdonald's childhood memory, HAPPY now. adding KETCHUP turns it into THORNHURST cookout memories with dad, also at his house, AND apartment cookouts. some "social acceptance/ rejection" nerves but otherwise, no fear. thank God. bread itself got a bit soft; so comforting. we needed that. thank You God.
+ steamed/ buttered vegs: carrots, either green beans or something like cucumber? (crisp peel, watery. pretty cool) & zucchini/ squash. INSTANT trauma trigger fear w/ TBAS. adding salt & pepper muted it, tasted nice too. BUT thanks be to God, the actual TASTE instantly made us think of MOM. ♥ not sure why, but it was HER we remembered, NOT any trauma associations!!
★ chocolate milk. i literally thought i was going to die. it felt like being violated.
↑ cocoa is EXPLICITLY TIED TO ABUSE!!!!! it was like swallowing drain cleaner PLEASE dont do it again PLEASE
+ I honestly took one sip and put it down. The terror hit like a bullet. "I can't do this." RELIVING EXPLICIT ABUSE. took like ten minutes. STRONGLY considered leaving it. "self-respect," "don't betray conscience," "don't choose abuse." did NOT want to feel so WHORISH and USED. but. one single radical thought prevailed:
OBEDIENCE EVEN UNTO DEATH.
so we did. drank a bit more. almost vomited. whole body shook. put it back down. nearly gave up.
✳ "do it for Jesus." He DIED for love of me. I can suffer this small death for love of Him.
poured the rest into the tea. drank it all. 100%. paid for it in blood.
body collapsed in nausea, terror, inability to cope. shook & rocked & trembled & dissociated for a solid hour. but survived. thanks be to God for staying with us. because He did.
we were on the cross after all.

✳ we have GOT to heal cocoa/ chocolate in order to survive this. all we can think of currently is jade.
even writing that name makes us wants to cry & scream & vomit & die. cannot cope.
+ is there ANY positive association with cocoa or chocolate? it seems, our WHOLE LIFE, it's been terrifying.

✳ by 4PM (4 hours later) our body feels FINE. a miracle. our mind was still profoundly disturbed, though... UNTIL we picked up our book about Jesus-- "The Master"-- and started to read. INSTANT PEACE, HOPE, & CONSOLATION, all wrapped up in Charity, despite our feeble exhaustion. we felt fresh life breathed into our soul.
thank You God. thank You God!! there is ALWAYS an end to evil. Christ HAS overcome the world!!!



post-dinner//

Dinner notes: OJ isn't scary, SUMMER is. remembering grandma gives peace. The potatoes are very plain so the herbs stand out nicely. salt & pepper ideal; ketchup ACTUALLY WORKS with these so 3 is fine! No associations. Sherbet is fine, just give it MORE TIME as it's COLD & hurts our teeth, also our stomach if we eat it too fast. It STILL needs to be "chewed." The most interesting bit was the SANDWICH. By itself, it's "affectionately neutral"? We like sandwiches as a CONCEPT, and cheese too, oddly yet admittedly, although provolone isn't our vibe AND it still has mild associated trauma echoes. Same with turkey. BUT we CAN detach from those through gratitude & forgiveness & RELEASING that into the past: "that event HAPPENED and ENDED. it CANNOT and DOES NOT affect the present." Logically at least! EMOTIONALLY, what we NEED are POSITIVE associations for both provolone & turkey lunchmeat that will OVERRIDE the negative echoes. So get/ find some! ON THAT NOTE. Our sandwich experience was SUPER INTERESTING & INFORMATIVE because Jesus gave us the GENIUS option to take our bites with sips of cranapple juice. That, by itself, is affectionately harmless-- it reminds us 100% of mom's "wassail." BUT WITH the sandwich, it tastes 100% LIKE THANKSGIVING. And at first, that was TERRIFYING. For unknown reasons that holiday has ALWAYS filled us with anxiety & dread; maybe because of the intense sensory overload/ agitated rushing of COOKING & PREPARING it?? THAT makes sense actually! And within the "harvest" context, ESPECIALLY with the aesthetic of decorations (scary colors, also pilgrim stuff) filling the kitchen, the overall tone of the DAY-- not just the dinner-- would be dreadful. We tried to heal the memory by imagining the WHOLE family eating together, HAPPY, at peace, PRAYING TOGETHER and SPECIFICALLY THANKING GOD for food & family. They ALSO told us, "you DON'T have to try everything at once, and you DON'T have to stuff yourself OR even finish your plate!" "The POINT of this huge meal is to SEE & be GRATEFUL for the sheer greatness of God's generosity; this bounty is MEANT to be put away & saved for later, for REST after harvest, and PROVISION despite the winter chill! Leftovers themselves are a huge blessing on this holiday!" That helped a LOT. But we still felt unsafe & "in trouble" & full of unease, even dread? Like nighttime-- which was falling outside as we ate in the original memories-- would be dangerous & scary, even full of fighting? AGAIN, I NOW THINK/ SENSE THAT FEAR IS ABOUT THE CLEANUP PROCESS, as mom & grandma would ALWAYS be sharp & touchy & cross & rushing & noisy then, and all the boys would just leave, not helping, just ignoring. No harmony, no more family closeness. HEAL THAT, PLEASE, MORE THAN ANYTHING. Deep down there IS true hope; when we just "let go" & taste that Thanksgiving flavor, we FEEL that deep love of family despite all anxiety. THAT LOVE WILL OVERCOME ANY FEARS; IT CANNOT BE CONQUERED. Hold on to it. Pray about it. God is Love, and He WILL heal us. ♥



pre-snack//

To combat choice panic, we asked Mom what to get on the phone (by choosing a random color) and she said "yellow" so we're FINALLY tackling the potato chips. We're legit TERRIFIED. But they're grandpa's favorite, and Dad serves them at cookouts-- with the burgers we had for lunch! So it ties together. Be brave! Do it for them! With God's grace, do it with LOVE!!


post-snack//

POTATO CHIPS ARE NOT A FEAR FOOD??? They weren't even scary to LOOK at!! So ONLY their CONCEPT scared us-- that and the "grandpa's closet" guilt/ binge-choking terror. SO we talked with him about that, via TWO unhealthy food alters, who were forgiven AND fed, told they were loved, & cared for sincerely. "I'll never say no to you if you just ask me. I'd rather you eat if you're that hungry" etc. Girls WANTED to be good/ healthy. THEN Dad cookout; he gave us a bag AS A CS; active involvement in our recovery process with love! BUT the ACTUAL chip association memory? THE BEACH!!! Clear & joyful & sunny & GOOD YELLOW!!! That was an amazing surprise. THANKS JESUS ♥

 

pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
★ Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+ ↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
★ (btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
★ Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
★ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
★ Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
★ HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER. ♥

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.



post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

★ Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
★ PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
✳ Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
★ THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
★ ↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
★ Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
★ Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
✳ INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION. ♥



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

 

wednesday sept 6 11:00pm

woke up at like 4pm.

went to store. huge shopping order.

MET OHMIETTE!!
talking to jay, laurie, and wreckage as they made food.

morning cereal binge ATTEMPT. didn't happen though!


Xenophon intercessor role with socials

COLOR REALMS DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO "EXPECTED REALITY"!!!!

⭐looking up in the color realms and seeing "planets" aka OTHER HUE REALMS


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friday sept 08. 01:50 am


I remember briefly waking up as mason left, said goodbye to oliver and kissed us on the head.
fell right back asleep but we were profoundly touched by that.

woke up, both of us feeling out of it. totally burnt out from this past week.
we took a shower, then oliver went to take a shower while we made breakfast.
breaded chicken hearts in egg and panko, then fried them in oil with extra egg. oliver had the genius idea to add chopped green onions to them afterwards. we also added sriracha and curry powder to ours, and had some cilantro on the side. we sat on the porch and ate them together.
we ALSO had another pig heart from last night though. mason didn't eat like 3/4 of his, so we heated it up to be warm and ate that, too. good god. it was still as sacred as last night.
the chicken hearts taste different. not as "organ"-like. there's a particular flavor to heart and liver that I pick up immediately and absolutely adore.

…

tried to go to the department of social services, but the office location the ssi folks gave us was CLOSED. permanently so. there was a sign on the door from february that had to do with radiation??? and the place looked dead inside. so that was an upsetting experience; cost a lot of spoons.
oliver almost panicking at being so far out, and thinking we had to drive even farther to go to the other one. we decided it wasn't worth putting him through that stress, especially not when we still had to do laundry.

the car was devastatingly low on gas
called kristanova out.
"like a séance"

laurie came out and the two were working through google maps
thank god for protectors

laundry.

stopped at why not pizza to buy jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders for dinner. felt AWFULLY guilty about it, like this was a spit in their face, some gluttonous selfish thing. but we NEED to eat more caloric things whether we like it or not. this is the hard truth.

ohmiette came out while we were there, and we just sat at the table together and talked.

went home

kyo and oliver were out playing no man's sky, and we were just browsing through tumblr while they did so. it felt absolutely comfy and heavenly. we were actually very happy, despite being exhausted. could have easily done that for hours.

the problem: there was another binge.
god forgive us.
one of the girls, taurea,
I noticed that SHE doesn't get hungry, though. she takes advantage of that feeling and ABUSES it. this doesn't surprise me, as she is technically an introject of the mother's forcing her personality on us. 


(left unfinished)


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SATURDAY 090917 11:00 pm

breakfast/lunch was the monstrous okra/ mushroom/ tomato/ egg/ cornmeal thing. too much food. didn't think of it though. again, thinking of food as ART and not as something to eat.
then, WHEN eating, thinking of it as a "destructively creative" process?? NOT COMPREHENDING that this is going to TAKE UP SPACE IN OUR BODY.
and then the realization of such is traumatically jarring, and we end up purging. I am so sorry.

walked to food lion, then stopped at dollar store, chinese place, and chicken king.

got too much food, admittedly, but at the time we couldn't tell. we tend to think of food as a CONCEPT, not as something we need to ingest. which is a problem.

ate all of it, got horrifically sick, ended up purging.
felt awful, but darn it we TRIED. we legitimately WANTED to eat it all and keep it all down.
but we felt like such a glutton FOR eating all that food, although it was probably just as much as they would have fed us in pittsburgh.

watched potc 1 & 2 that night.

TIA IS JUST LIKE INFI

also oh my lord. I forgot how much we love Davy Jones.
like… it was instant.
the instant we heard that peg leg on the wood. the instant he spoke.
"do you fear death?"
that's been echoing in our heart for years.

THE MUSIC BOX AND THE ORGAN.
that breath when he heard it while asleep.

the way he talks.
the OBVIOUS wrenching pain.
his LAUGH. the fact that if it wasn't bitter it would PROBABLY sound like CZ laughs when he's Aqua???

pretty people. feeling like jack sparrow. makeup, cinematography, color schemes.
BOOTSTRAP.
THE KRAKEN (DAEMON QUESTION)

(currently cofronting with that old jewel; feels green!! do you have a name besides your jewel title?)


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sunday 091017 11:00 pm

 

went out for seafood!
black bass, gator bites, fried okra, LEGIT CALAMARI.
DUDE WE GOTTA GO BACK AND GET LIKE… TWO ORDERS ONE DAY.
(who is this???? talk about this compulsion)

got eros raspberry white chocolate cake.

listening to "from bluer water" info. ADORED it.
casually eating cereal though. problem? too much sugar. IMMEDIATELY got very sick, kneejerk reaction was "well to keep ourself safe we've GOTTA get rid of it" so someone decided to eat ALL the cereal "to prevent future pain" and purge it all. poor poor confused thing, you could have just left it for the others, "but that WOULDN'T BE SAFE"

tried to eat again later. hush puppies, salad, the rest of the chicken hearts. english muffins, butter, honey. kit kats. thinking " we HAVE to gain weight so we HAVE to eat as much as humanly possible."
DIDN'T WANT TO PURGE but had sickness terror so we forced ourselves to.
good God, we TRIED.

many OLD fronters coming out, talking to laurie on the bed, then to kyo.

"indigo jess," "manic green/gold jess," triple, overload, jemma??? "overeat green/gold jess" (NAMED hoban??)

TOO MANY JAYS????????
manic jay, christmas jay, "whitewash smile" jay, angel-anubis jay???

then jason trying to front but being TOO manic and cayenne calling him out.
TAR TRYING TO BE CAYENNE????? HE CALLED IT OUT, TOO!!!

watched potc3 with the arrows

(write about THAT MOVIE)


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monday 091117 11:00 pm

 

the stormday.

Also the morning we went to food lion to buy food. Lots of cereal to TRY and figure out whether or not we actually liked it.

Stayed in bed SUPER LATE after that.

I remember making cereal in a huge bowl as a stim, talking to oliver.
problematic though, that's self-abuse prep, don't use large bowls dude that's another family-abuse compulsive behavior

Ollie worked.
I THINK there was an attempted binge? BUT it DIDNT HAPPEN.
I remember eating lettuce at 1am.

We stayed up ALL NIGHT uploading 2008 archives.

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tuesday 091217  07:21 am

 

Really, really in love with the System right now.

Spotify is a legit gift from God.
The rule of thumb is that, if you ever want to guaranteed fall in love with someone, put them to music.
...or, alternatively, you can just listen until suddenly you hear them.

 

11:00 pm

Lynne, julie, waldorf? talking to oliver when we woke up.

Stopped at the art store.
CANNON WAS OUT
interference gold dye, it's VERY resonant with me. Also INTERFERENCE RED is the color of my EYES in my angel form???????

Went out for jimmy johns and moon cakes!
No fear at all. It was so good.
iscah almost fronted??
BEST BREAD i'm not even joking

Late night BAD MELTDOWN.
Dont even know why.
Vernon, ohmiette
CRUSADE WTF
laurie.

MET HICCUP <3
also talked to trolley, wow
SO DID INFI!!!


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wednesday 091317 11:00 pm


rough morning.

Infi out talking to oliver.
Jason (?) almost self-abusing in the bathroom. DIDNT though. We were in there for an hour???????
Ollie talked to chaos and genesis.

Dad called.
always good to hear from him.

Made too much food. Obligatory. Didnt want to, need to LISTEN to ourself when we feel that, and NOT force ourself to do otherwise “because we cant do what we want” that's bull.

No man's sky. FLOATING MINES

cooked the hearts. Ate one with infi, total bliss.
We still get sick from meat, but NO REGRETS EVER

Evening walk!

Juniper helped stop the binge attempts again, god bless her

lying on the porch TALKING YTPS


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thursday 091417 02:01 am


the morning. Good lord the morning.
Infi and ollie.

STARDUST
talking on the kitchen floor
offerings and moon cakes

Pizza and pig hearts for breakfast
no trouble, everything perfect

tire place. Owen kid. Biggs camera visit, remembering cannon's era again

band practice. PIANO
cant perform solo. Cant really perform at all! Not our thing.
Admitted our shortcomings and feel a lot better

trouble with dinner. Jack in the box, vegs and rice.
Almost binge. Struggling. Still dont know why? Please have session or something.

Watched howls moving castle
PLEASE READ THE BOOKS
calcifer!! HEARTS.
Everything was so headspacey good lord.

HEADSPACE VS HEARTSPACE BLEEDOVER???? feeling that SUPER strongly.
Remember rio's 2nd incident with the heart crystals!! feeling that a LOT all of a sudden.
We've all gotta go back to having those adventures dude



02:09 pm

"everything is temporary."

#temporary and dearly beloved for it #the ocean #sunsets #gif #this aches because there's so much love in it #none of us will live this incarnate life forever #but the tiny time we do have is utterly sacred nonetheless #eternity is within and without us #both at once #i wouldn't have it any other way


04:19 pm

"You will find that you survive humiliation. And that’s an experience of incalculable value."


#system healing #quote #the alchemical quest of our souls #when humility is based in love and big-picture peace and joy #then humiliation of the abusive sort is impossible #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters

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friday 091517   04:23 pm

 

"I can feel guilty about the past, Apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

#system healing #kyanos #celebi #now is all there is #and the present moment is infinite #unshackled to any fear or trauma #let it be so #and let yourselves be with it #you are allowed to be free #you are allowed to be happy #you are allowed to feel love and be loved #in fact the universe encourages it #embrace that!

 

11:00 pm


woke up when?
ollie in a good mood. made us so happy to see.

unfortunately made WAY too much breakfast. form of self abuse.
ended up throwing out half, throwing up the rest.
horribly depressed afterwards.

"I hate seeing you treat each other like this"
paradigm shift
social meltdown as a result, instant suicide consideration (heartbreaking that they feel SO distraught that they feel there IS no other option; b/w thinking, all-or-nothing) at the thought that they aren't alone and they hurt someone. they typically blind themselves to the reality of being part of a system, let alone multiple at all, because they feel like they are "toxic, worthless, and corrupt" and CANNOT bear the thought of sharing a body, lest they "taint everyone else"

awful revelation: abuse is SAFE??

lethe kissing oliver, only reachable person NOT afraid of intimate physical contact when we're that severely trauma-dissociated
daemons are untouchable, man.

lethe's also been using his "styx" name more often lately. curious as to why.
medallion guillotine regularly switches between her two names. always curious as to her name choices, too.
dendrite still m.i.a. for the record. i can feel her betrayed anguished heart from here.

laundry day. so much to carry.
threw out those triggering dysphoric pants so no more worries there.

haircuts. bad time for both of us. but hugely important pain-bonding and honesty afterwards. important. loved them so much in that exact moment despite everything trying to oppose it. love is untouchable too.

starbucks. binged again. tried hard not to. but tried TOO hard. on top of stress, nothing registered.
screwed up and panicked.
got DISTURBINGLY sick from the sugar. big trauma-flashback feeling. memory chopped to pieces as a result; the air felt like it was going to detonate

alone at night.
binged HARD. tried not to. living hell.
ate a REAL dinner. but then made more.
praying desperately. couldn't stop.

in so much pain. sad but numb. 2:30am and still not ready or wanting to rest.

so so so tired. god help us.


notes:

Self abuse = safety???
Eating is ONLY safe IF it is abusive??
Touch is ONLY safe IF it is injurious?

Why is this??
How can we work with it?


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saturday 091617 11:00 pm


CHAOS ON TUMBLR ♥♥♥

no sleep.
walked all around in the morning. got too much food.
BLISS though.
salvador deli, food lion, mcdonalds, family restaurant.

tried to eat it. someone freaked and purged.

slept in until 5:30.

amelies.
bought too much food again, panicked. dissociated.
but so wonderful. we adore spending time with oliver. we hope they weren't disappointed in us.

KRIS SKETCH

almost binge. french toast, cereal. LAURIE asked the kid responsible, "if you love me, stop"
and they DID
"dope" by lady gaga looping in our head

slept on the porch, with chaos.
pure bliss.
we NEED to do this instead of bingeing. it's what we ACTUALLY WANT.


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sunday 091717 11:00 pm

lazy sunday, I think?

got up early and ran like crazy. so tired.

didn’t even attempt to eat until 5pm, salad. failed to do so.

PRINCESS MONONOKE.

for dinner we tried to eat too many vegs and I don't remember anything at all, except aware that someone purged it all out of shame and fear. this is where all our money and time and health is going. it needs to stop.

so tired, out on the porch. beautiful SO HAPPY. I don't think we've ever felt that happy outside of headspace in our ENTIRE LIFE.


notes: 

• Dread talks in chat bubbles; he doesn't move to talk. Just expressions. Says he trusts Ollie and feels safe around him. Never felt him so Content before.
• Me, halo and crying iridescent tears? Like flowing that color. Those Tumblr gifs.
• Army Flower is a WAR PROTESTOR. the Legit sort, like standing in front of tanks and helping refugees.


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monday 091817  11:00 pm

got up early, ran to the salvador deli. got a bunch of pastries to try.
also stopped at food lion for vegetables.

BEST BREAKFAST. ♥

dept of social services.
listening to alt+j the whole way up.

planned parenthood; got trans hormone info!
ollie was stressed and got taco bell.

ran back to bakery to get the rest of the pastries, and the food. now we know what it's all like.
also stopped at food lion and got ollie those cream curls he loves

sense8. SO GOOD.

TRIED VERY HARD to eat right, but failed because someone ate the sweet part of a pastry and absolutely freaked out, which triggered a binge-purge.
then someone decided to eat the reeses puffs, and BOTH laurie and the religious-panic girl came out SOBBING and begging him to stop because "I don't want to die" etc. he didn't comprehend the concept, would NOT STOP.
panic girl saw our weight had gone up to 105 from drinking the almond milk, she started screaming "no! no! no!!!" and panickedly threw up several times to try and get it all out. heartbreaking.
"jesus help me, god help me, I'm so sorry, I don't want to die"
notably asked god to HELP that boy "I don't want to hate him" BUT what he does is TERRIBLE.

222 am. no one's been texting ollie. we are exhausted and sad and scared and have no spoons at all BUT we are motivated to try again.

 

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thurs 0921 11:59 pm

 

band night.

sat and fixed phone, browsed tumblr

got food, TRIED hard to eat it, still failed

 

 

08:24 pm


#nurse #white #negative white #wait what if her role is specifically to TRANSMUTE THAT?? #especially with her inherent species ties to the color #reflect upon this #headspace scenery

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sat 0923  11:46 pm

Tattoo plans:

• Jewel Monster symbol
• Lotus Cathedral "logo"
• "The divine is full of monsters"
• "Lightly, child, lightly"
• "Beauty and terror"
• "Everything is new, every moment"
• Perfect Chaos ourobouros
• Infinitii eyes/teeth sleeve?
• Pentagape group symbols

 

11:59 pm

 

laundry morning.

was this the night we watched we're back and a.i.?

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sun 0924 11:59 pm

 

went out for HOOKAH

infi moon.

watched more sense8?


day notes: 

UPMC problem= "don't work through trauma! Thats not important now! To be GOOD, all you have to do is EAT a ton of food and gain weight!!"
• Forcing ourselves to continually eat things that make us severely dysphoric and trigger trauma-flashbacks: milk and dairy, honey, chocolate, oatmeal, mangoes, ice cream, chips, cereal, sugary foods in general, etc.


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0925  11:33 pm

nousfoni survey
learning to live in this precious fragile world.

1. Your voice
2. Your handwriting
3. How do you hold the body?
4. Your vocal style?
5. Your resonant music?
6. Do you like food? If so, what's your favorite food OR flavor / texture?
7. Fashion / style?
8. Gender/pronouns, sexuality?

more questions =

Nousfoni: build, height, shape, silhouette, stance, age

COMPARATIVE! Lineups

DRAW NOUSFONI IN FLAT, SATURATED COLORS FOR THE SAKE OF SPECIFICALLY CLARIFYING HUES

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mon 0925  11:59 pm

got up early. went out, bought breakfast: mcdonalds, parkway house.
stopped at compare foods, have tons of funky baked goods, whoever loves those wants to try them next month.
PLEASE talk about that though. they want to try them and TOSS THEM. actually "eating" is foreign to them. please work through this

ollie went for a walk

food troubles. tried REALLY HARD.

bad binge day. all vegetables though.

stayed up late browsing tumblr. found a lot of good stuff. lots of pentagape posting, thank god

finished uploading 2009.


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tues 0926  11:04 pm

- Knife NEEDS to talk to Iscah and the other religious fronter. He listens to Christian R&B and adores it purely. He was originally referred to as a "vampire priest." He runs a freaking confessional in the Underground, from what I saw the other day.
I wonder if he has ever talked to, or met, Aconitum? They need to meet up, too.

 

 

11:59 pm

woke up at 3pm? stayed in until 5??
infi talking to ollie, FINALLY

made a salad, watched the sense8 finale

NO BINGEING.
slight mistake when making food but otherwise GOOD DAY

slc trauma recap, disturbed by just HOW toxic it actually was

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sept 27th dream 04:23 pm

 

 

Nier+sonic? Emil as some sort of red spirit? Appeared by old tree; forest like Ferngully, colors rich and vivid like No Man's Sky. House of some sort nearby (In tree?), went in. Said he was summoned there.

LAURIE, pushed up stairs by dark descent baddies. Kept trying to torture info out of her. She sneered and said "Whip me till I bleed." Would NOT back down. Mentioning love and pain?

"This is a place of laughter"= defiantly, protectively, triumphantly= upon entering upper room with kids. Marigold, David, Ashen, someone that looked like a younger julie?? (Yellow, not corrupt!!)

Place got BLOWN UP?? the thing they were seeking Respawned somewhere else? So they didn't need that one anymore. Building had levels UNDERGROUND though; Rouge and shadow hid there; they also had a child? Charged ME with protecting them?

Emanon. Evil blood cores? Neck kills. THIRD Power Jewel; top of head?? Super rare. 

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september 28th 2017 dream  10:26 pm

Running from cleaning bot in labyrinthine school? Dogs, back door.
Hunchback remake? Quasi an Indian woman in hijab. City architecture GORGEOUS.
talking about gay boy representation? THE QUEEN. cofronting with 2 others??
In grandfathers room at home. Nomi? Something with travel, Pokemon?
Sun, bro, dad at restaurant. Girl there from prison, obvious feelings btwn her and sun. Apple pie, salad. Price discount.

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092917  11:30 pm

WALKING THROUGH MEMORIES= FREEZE FRAME; HELP SOCIALS IN SITUATIONS THEY WERE DISSOICIATED FOR!
☆THIS IS THE ONLY DIRECT WAY INNER NOUSFONI CAN MEET OUTER NOUSFONI AND DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH THEM!!!
☆DOES THIS COUNT AS HEARTSPACE???


DO THIS WITH RECENT STRUGGLE SITUATIONS ASAP. ASK "WHY." REVEAL COMPULSIONS, FEARFUL OBEDIENCE, TRAPPED TRAUMA LOOPS. ETC. SOCIALS WILL AND DO TALK TO US IF WE MEET THEM INSIDE ON THEIR LEVEL. THAT'S WHY MEMORYSPACE EXISTS= IT IS THE ONLY TOTAL BRIDGE BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW. THE MORE WE USE IT, THE CLOSER WE GET.
BTW, DO THIS FOR SLC. WE WERE NOT A TRUE SYSTEM THEN. THOSE SOCIALS WERE ALONE AND SCARED. THEY NEEDED US THEN THEY HAVE US NOW. BE THERE. 

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093017  10:14 pm

Sandwich, potato.
TAPROOT. photos.
Too many vegs
Orange new black
Trauma talk, morality
Aywas


10:31 pm


MEMORIES TO WALK INTO AND HEAL =
☆DO REALTIME AUDIO NARRATION OF THIS???

• Des Moines
• Michigan
• The couch
• The attic
• The Kinsara day
• THE KITCHEN
• The Vandegraaff house
• THE BEDROOM
• The psych ward
WORKING ON IT=
• Bus trip through Oklahoma
• Colorado layover



notes:

Marywood concert memory fears= COMPETITIONS. triple hating the mother, that constant expectant but pessimistic glare.

Lynne is NOT a pianist.
Rhodes ATTENDS concerts. She DOESN'T play an instrument!!
Javier is NOT a social pianist; he CHANNELS THE ESSENCE OF IT INSIDE.
The true classical pianist is GLISSANDO.
The fun composer is JEWEL.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO "PERFORMS."

There's a kid who AWAITS JUDGEMENT??? Like a terrified version of Interim? Their whole existence is outside of clock time.

Josephina= CHECKING FACTS!! This is VITAL for realtime retroactive trauma memory healing; ITS IN THE PAST!!! The current moment is FREE of that context by its very definition: Every new moment is innocent.

Kids healing roba's memories? Not alone or trapped anymore. As PART of the System, they aren't alone OR scared anymore. NO MORE MOTHER TRAP PANIC when you have everyone inside there for you safe.