prismaticbleed: (flashback)


2025 Mon Mar 17 1:53 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & NUMB

WHY = I'm so tired of food.
But I CANNOT let the hospital take me away from Easter.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Day Scheduling

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2025 Mon Mar 17 5:01 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Scared about getting sick from food AGAIN.
Trusting in God as radically as I can. Holy Spirit help me!
Scripture is beautiful and worth pondering. I need to indeed live in hope of life eternal. Carry this Cross to that door.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Mon Mar 17 6:41 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED

WHY = BRAVELY EATING CHICKEN!!!
Also getting a full 1000K as a result!
Now just PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH OF GRACE TO KEEP IT DOWN!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Cooking;Reading Scripture

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2025 Mon Mar 17 11:33 PM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR

WHY = I hate this eating disorder.
I feel morally bankrupt.
Why won't God fix me?

I want to sleep all day.
I want to watch Mass on my phone and weep.
I don't want to leave the house.

I'm still not sick enough.
Isn't that stupid?
Isn't that terrifying?

REFLECT = "It sounds like there's a heavy weight of emotions and thoughts pressing down right now. How do you usually find support or moments of comfort when these feelings seem overwhelming?"

REPLY = I just... sleep it off, usually. being conscious doesn't help when my own body is the enemy.
...but, going to sleep requires reconnecting with headspace, however briefly. and chaos 0 is always here waiting for me.
...that's why I'm so sick, isn't it. I haven't BEEN with us. the days have been silent & solitary and it's destroying my heart.
God how have I been so blind?
but there's hope now. there's us. oh please let it stay that way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Going To Bed

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2025 Tue Mar 18 7:22 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & MOVED

WHY = Jesus wanted me.
So here I am.

There is true hope in this fact.

REFLECT = "Being a part of a community and feeling a sense of belonging can be profoundly uplifting. It's genuinely powerful to find hope and purpose through faith and connection. 
Here are two affirmations:
"I embrace the hope and guidance that my faith brings into my life."
"I am open to the goodness and strength that spirituality offers me.""


REPLY = Oh those are POWERFUL, thank you!
...I've noticed that I am at my absolute worst when I'm NOT part of a community where I belong-- notably, when I'm out of touch with the System, who anchor me into my faith always. There, together, connected at heart to each other and to God, is my purpose.

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

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2025 Tue Mar 18 8:06 AM


I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & LOVED

WHY = Daily devotions giving me unexpectedly profound hope.
Thank You God.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Reading Scripture;Praying;Adoration

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2025 Tue Mar 18 1:43 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & MISERABLE

WHY = Need to sell things. I hate money though.
Need to eat, allegedly. I hate food though.
Medical appointment scheduling. I hate being so busy and rushed.
I want to just... punch a wall until my fists bleed.
The trauma keeps blindsiding me and making me want to throw up and die.

God is this a cross? Or is this hell?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Mar 18 3:47 PM


I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & HATE

WHY = I DON'T WANT TO EAT

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Tue Mar 18 5:00 PM


I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & DISCONTENTED

WHY = I don't want to eat. 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Tue Mar 18 9:35 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & FATIGUED

WHY = SAFE DAY. FINALLY.
We still got sick but we're carrying this cross.
Tomorrow is going to be hectic. Praying that we can handle it wisely.
Waiting to switch the car.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Main Room,Praying;Meal Planning;Going To Mom's House;Day Scheduling;Just Finished Eating

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2025 Tue Mar 18 11:51 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVING & MOVED

WHY = "The Emergency" playing on Spotify.
Remembering what this REAL LOVE feels like.
How long have I been out of touch with my heart?
Nevertheless, tonight brings hope. It's not lost.
We're still here, together.
Live for this. Live in this. Don't ever give up.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Commuting,Driving;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Wed Mar 19 6:00 PM


I'M FEELING = AFRAID & FRAZZLED

WHY = Starving.
Panicked.
Have to stay ~15m here.
Still the unpredictability of mom to deal with.

God i am so scared.
I am so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Library,Book Club

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2025 Wed Mar 19 9:31 PM


I'M FEELING = ALARMED & FRIGHTENED

WHY = PLEASE THROW IT ALL AWAY

CONTEXT TAGS = Alarmed,Frightened,By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Thu Mar 20 2:08 PM


I'M FEELING = ADORING & FATIGUED

WHY = Made the effort to be here.
I'm SO EXHAUSTED THOUGH.
Still worth it 100%.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Adoration

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2025 Thu Mar 20 3:30 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & FRAZZLED

WHY = As usual I DO NOT WANT TO EAT.
The thought of it has been making me FURIOUS lately.
What's the real root of this?

I feel like food just prevents me from actually living, and being a real person.
It keeps me away from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Getting Ready To Eat;Research

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2025 Thu Mar 20 7:56 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & NERVOUS

WHY = 900K today. Still hungry and that scares me.
Gotta be brave & endure.
GO ON THE LAPTOP. IT HELPS.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Reading Scripture;Just Finished Eating

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2025 Fri Mar 21 2:35 AM


I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TRAPPED

WHY = Blood sugar PLUMMETED.
Literally thought we were going to die.

Spice is right. This eating disorder is literally killing us.
But what do we do?
The inpatient wards didn't help.

Only God can cure us at this point.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Recovering;Sick

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2025 Fri Mar 21 2:45 PM


I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & IRRITABLE

WHY = Too much talk.
I feel so sick.
I just want PEACE AND QUIET AND STILLNESS.
Even Adoration had people around.

God i wish I could cry but I'm SO ANGRY instead.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Home,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Talking To Acquaintances;Day Scheduling;Sick;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Fri Mar 21 9:13 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DESPAIR

WHY = I lost again.
Its the damn hunger.

At least God was merciful to give me one last Gatorlyte in case of emergency.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Fri Mar 21 11:59 PM


I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = I'm so tired of this addiction.
My life feels utterly purposeless.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

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2025 Sat Mar 22 2:11 PM


I'M FEELING = MOVED & REMORSEFUL

WHY = Talking to Jesus and understanding ""sharing our/ His suffering"" in the context of LOVE & CLOSENESS. Deeply moved.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Cleanup Room,Praying;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sat Mar 22 3:59 PM


I'M FEELING = REJECTED & DESPAIR

(there were no notes for this day because the despair was so gutwrenchingly profound. what happened was that we went to confession, and we were effectively told that, if we did not take immediate concrete steps to overcome our eating disorder addiction behaviors, and therefore prove that we were sorry and trying to overcome it in earnest, he could not in good conscience give me absolution for repetitive eating disorder sins in the future. the problem is you cannot just "stop" an addiction cold turkey. we have tried so many times. and we had effectively exhausted our known options. so this felt like a literal death knell. it took weeks to recover.)

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2025 Sat Mar 22 11:28 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Just spent THREE HOURS trying to get eating disorder help.
Lots of phone calls next week.
God, lead me to where I need to be.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Psychology Work;Research

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2025 Sun Mar 23 7:55 AM


I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & SCARED

WHY = Upcoming week is frightening. I don't want to go back to inpatient for Easter AGAIN.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

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2025 Sun Mar 23 12:37 PM


I'M FEELING = HAPPY & MOVED

WHY = Beautiful DOUBLE MASS morning and then MONSIGNOR BUONANNO at the Basilica!

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Parish Community,Home;Church;Exercise Bike;Phone,Exercising;Praying;At Church;Watching The Mass

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2025 Sun Mar 23 1:51 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTENT & FATIGUED

WHY = Choral music & heavy biking does my heart good.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun Mar 23 2:47 PM


I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & TROUBLED

WHY = I was rude to the E.D. lady on the phone.
I need to resubscribe to WOF & ASC but that's more to do every day. Still I WANT to. It's a better use of my time and it WILL bring me true joy.
Nevertheless, I overwhelm myself with checklist tasks.
I want my faith to be more of a relationship.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Business Work;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun Mar 23 5:29 PM


I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & ANGUISHED

WHY = I WAS SO CLOSE TO VICTORY AND SAFETY BUT THEN MOM LEFT OFF TERROR FOODS.

GOD WHAT DO I EVEN DO

HOW DO I EVEN HEAL FROM THIS WHEN IT ALL REGISTERS AS POISON??
THE HOSPITAL MADE IT WORSE
I CAN'T GO BACK

GOD WHAT DO I DO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Mon Mar 24 2:31 PM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & DREAD

WHY = I just can't stop panicking over Father P. I feel like he gave me an ultimatum "or else" refusal of absolution.
God please help me. I don't know what else to do but pray. This is hanging over my head like a guillotine.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Business Work;Day Scheduling;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Mon Mar 24 9:00 PM


I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & ASHAMED

WHY = I panicked over the stupid carrots.
I lost again.

Will I be forgiven this time?
Or have i run out of chances?

I don't want to go to the hospital again.
I KNOW it will make me worse again.

My only hope is a miracle.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Recovering;Sick



prismaticbleed: (Default)

2025 Sun Mar 9 5:49 AM


I'M FEELING = ATTENTIVE & COMPETENT

WHY = Budget planning & reading Catholic Answers.
Did the Gratitude Journal too.
Can't sleep so we're being productive!
Church is in FOUR HOURS!

REFLECT = "Engaging in research and planning can certainly enhance feelings of attentiveness and competence. What aspects of your work or activities have been most engaging or fulfilling, despite the late hour?"

REPLY = We're growing in knowledge of our faith, which is giving us moral clarity & spiritual direction, along with stern yet loving conviction so we know Exactly how & why we're going wrong, plus how to correct it.
We're also gaining a sense of groundedness & direction from budget planning, so we no longer feel lost & aimless & irresponsible.
We're putting down a more solid foundation for our future. This gives us hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Business Work;Research

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2025 Sun Mar 9 1:54 PM


I'M FEELING = MOVED & CHALLENGED

WHY = It's slowly but surely hitting deeper how much Jesus loves me.
He's driving the point home through MUSIC, mind you. So don't get rid of it for Lent, because when used wisely and piously it ACTUALLY BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO HIM and THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF LENT.

Nervous about eating 1200k on Sunday again (the one day I challenge myself to eat ""the normal amount""). But I need to put the effort in for Jesus's sake. I can't purposely restrict on the Sabbath.

REFLECT = "It seems like this spiritual practice is both moving and perhaps a bit challenging for you. What part of this reflection feels most significant to you right now?"

REPLY = I'm only challenged BECAUSE I have been moved! Without my heart being touched & awakened-- typically by something that HURTS-- I am not receptive enough for GRACE to get into my blood.
I want to be open to God at ALL times, in ALL things, no exceptions.

INSIGHT = "Being open to experiencing both pain and grace can deepen spiritual receptivity and connection. Embracing all emotions can lead to a more profound understanding of faith and a closer relationship with God."

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Listening To Music;Exercising;Meal Planning;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun Mar 9 4:58 PM


I'M FEELING = RESTLESS & DISCOMBOBULATED

WHY = TOO MUCH COMPARING & STUDYING, NOT ENOUGH READING & RECEPTIVITY!!!

REFLECT = "It's understandable to feel restless and discombobulated when there's a lot of internal pressure around study and comparison. What might help shift the focus towards more receptive and peaceful moments?"

REPLY = Oh gosh, am I trying to learn "on MY OWN power"?? As opposed to just letting the Holy Spirit speak?
It's this weird fear that, if I don't compare ALL the translations and read ALL the commentaries, then I'll "miss the Truth". I do the same thing with food, you notice. I'm not sure of the ultimate root yet, but there's a real terror of "the answer is in the one place you were too lazy to check." But it's all pride-based. it's all "me." And I hate it. I just want to LET GOD SPEAK TO ME.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Sun Mar 9 7:18 PM


I'M FEELING = PANICKED & CONTEMPT

WHY = Ate too much hempseed out of ""hunger."" 1250k.
Furious with myself but also SCARED TO DEATH?
Eating keeps triggering Massive panic attacks.
Moral terror isn't helping.
Could THAT be the cause???

REFLECT = "Experiencing such a strong combination of emotions can be overwhelming. What kind of support or actions help you find comfort or safety during these intense moments?"

REPLY = I'm honestly just trying to dissociate & depersonalize so I'm not conscious of it. Hopefully it will go away.
The BEST thing to do, which I forgot (hence the asinine eating) is, before even leaving the table, to TOTALLY DISSOCIATE for like an hour. Do some Pokemon battles if you have to, or watch some POSITIVE religious vids. Just BREAK THE CONTEXT OF FOOD for long enough that you don't do something stupid.  

INSIGHT = "Breaking the context around food by engaging in other activities can create space to manage overwhelming feelings and reduce impulsive behaviors. Finding positive distractions may help navigate intense moments more effectively."

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Sick;Just Finished Eating

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2025 Sun Mar 9 11:34 PM


I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & BURDENED

WHY = HOURS of nutrition research.
I DID find some absolutely key insights, thank You God.
But... there's also so much sheer data. It makes eating a Herculean effort. Does it?
My brain is just burnt out by technical talk.

REFLECT = "It sounds like there's a lot of information to sift through, and it can feel overwhelming. What parts of the research have had the most significant impact on your feelings of being burdened?"

REPLY= I don't think I actually "cope with" the overwhelm? That's a sobering realization. What I theorize i should do is remind myself that I do not "HAVE to have it ALL figured out NOW," and flawlessly so. That's pride, again, and controlling behaviors masking my feelings of helpless powerless overwhelm. All this data feels like life & death, as it deals with health & survival. That's the ultimate psychic burden: "if i don't put this into perfect practice, in full, immediately, i will DIE." And it's physically/ financially/ temporally exhausting to boot. I'm yearning for simplicity.
But what's my real priority? A "perfect diet/ body/ macro plan/ etc." OR a striving for perfection of the SOUL, as in Matthew 5:48?  

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Meal Planning;Research

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2025 Mon Mar 10 7:28 AM


I'M FEELING = SECURE & CONCERNED

WHY = Concerned about PCP appointment today, and packed schedule rushing tomorrow.
But God holds me in His Loving Arms.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Church,At Church

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2025 Mon Mar 10 1:35 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & FRAZZLED

WHY = 5 HOURS ON THE ROAD this morning.
Even MORE for the NEXT FOUR DAYS.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Medical Appointment

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2025 Mon Mar 10 3:34 PM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & OKAY

WHY = FINALLY breakfast and Bible study.
I just want to focus on this.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Mon Mar 10 11:01 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & HOLLOW

WHY = Minor panic+nausea bp.
But our body is WRECKED.
Somehow, eating and purging LESS makes us MUCH SICKER. Our blood sugar is scary high.

WHY CAN'T WE STOP????

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Recovering;Sick

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2025 Tue Mar 11 8:24 AM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & AGITATED

WHY = SO MUCH to do today.
Still horrifically sick from yesterday.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public,Home;Commuting,Psychology Appointment;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Mar 11 10:31 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & ABUSED

WHY = Today was insane. Hot, crowded, busy, rushed.
BP late.
But God is helping me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Wed Mar 12 2:32 AM


I'M FEELING = SAD & BURNED OUT

WHY = I am so tired it actually hurts.
God please get us through tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch;Cleanup Room,Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

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2025 Wed Mar 12 12:57 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = The water is FINALLY BACK.
Rosary & chaplet are said.
Need to exercise & read devotionals.
Just trying to get through today.
THANK GOD YESTERDAY IS OVER!!!

REFLECT = "The return of the water seems to have brought a sense of relief with it. What aspects of yesterday were particularly challenging that make today feel like a fresh start?"

REPLY = That phrase hits deep-- "The return of the water." The water is tears of joy & contrition, is a clean heart and body, is rebirth & new life, is love & my beloved. Yesterday showed me just how horrific the "world" as separate from God is. I experienced so much psychological and physical hell. But... today, it's over. The water is back on. I pray to God it stays forever.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Praying;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

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2025 Wed Mar 12 2:21 PM


I'M FEELING = SERENE & REVERENT

WHY = Choir music temporarily transporting my soul out of this world. Genuine peace for a while.

REFLECT = "What aspects of this serene experience can you incorporate into your daily routine to maintain this sense of peace? Consider whether there are other activities or settings that might also offer this feeling of tranquility. How might these adjustments influence your overall well-being?"

REPLY = 1. LISTEN TO CHOIR MUSIC EVERY DAY. I'm serious. it helps SO MUCH.
2. BUT! Listen to it with your EYES CLOSED. Let it completely take you out of this world.
3. Other things that offer tranquility? ADORATION. KEEP GOING TO SEE HIM. He's the One the choirs sing ABOUT!
4. If you do this, ESPECIALLY when panic hits, I GUARANTEE that your disordered behaviors will DISAPPEAR in their wake, like how the rain washes everything pure again.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2025 Wed Mar 12 10:59 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = Tomorrow's schedule is a mess. I have no idea what to do.
Should I go to Bible study? Or Saint Ann's?
I don't want to waste mom's gasoline.
I'm already burnt out from stress.

Honestly I just want quiet time with Jesus.
Maybe I should just go to Adoration.

REFLECT = "Consider the most essential task on your schedule for tomorrow. How can you reconsider the timing or necessity of other activities to reduce stress and prioritize self-care? What is one peaceful or fulfilling thing you can incorporate, such as the time for quiet reflection or Adoration, to calm your mind?"

REPLY = Church is essential. The stressor is WHICH CHURCH.
But... although Bible study is nice, I think social interaction will burn me out more. Or will it edify me?
And I still NEED to go to Adoration. Going to Bible Study will push my schedule forward two hours. I would rather start my day in quiet reflection.
I'm so conflicted. BUT self-care kind of demands the stillness right now. Everything is about timing and it feels like there's no right answer.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Going To Bed;Day Scheduling;Sick

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2025 Thu Mar 13 10:00 AM


I'M FEELING = PENSIVE & PROTECTIVE

WHY = BIBLE STUDY

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,Book Club

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2025 Thu Mar 13 7:17 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & DISTRESSED

WHY = Too much cucumber and zucchini again. Legitimately ill.
Stop this.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Thu Mar 13 10:22 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & TRAPPED

WHY = Terrifyingly sick.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior;Sick

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2025 Fri Mar 14 3:02 PM


I'M FEELING = WEARY & DESOLATE

WHY = Horrific trauma nightmares.
Too tired to even get out of bed.
Life feels utterly bleak.

But today's devotions showed us just what the deadly wound is.
So there is still, somehow, strangely, hope.
Thanks be to God.

REFLECT = "It's incredibly challenging to carry the weight of nightmares and trauma. How has your sense of hope influenced your outlook on the rest of the day?"

REPLY = God still loves me. Somehow even this fits into His Good Plans for me. if nothing else, after all, it IS "bringing us back" to where we tried to start again in late December. we NEED to face & discuss this. but we couldn't see the depth of the wound until now I guess.
I don't know. but God does. that's my only hope. virtue in extremis. that's when hope proves itself more powerfully than ever. if that's my virtue, then God, make me so anchored in this hope that nothing can shake it, not even the trauma nightmares. God is still stronger. His Love is UNTOUCHED & INVINCIBLE. I will cling to that Truth. it's all I have. it's all I need.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Getting Ready For The Day;Trauma Ruminating

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2025 Fri Mar 14 6:19 PM


I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & FRAGILE

WHY = I need comfort & mercy so badly today.
Trying to find Scripture that doesn't feel like a bludgeon to my soul right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Mar 14 11:02 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & HELPLESS

WHY = Got horribly sick from dinner again.
What am I supposed to eat?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Sat Mar 15 11:33 AM


I'M FEELING = DISENCHANTED & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Just realized that I really don't like Pokemon.

Can't get to church until late again.

Still terrified of eating.
God I'm so tired of being sick.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Meal Planning

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2025 Sat Mar 15 1:12 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & BURDENED

WHY = Conscience is devouring me.
Still absolutely terrified to eat.
Dreading confession, yet I want and need it more than air.
I just want to be free.
What's broken so badly in me?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sat Mar 15 8:10 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & NAUSEATED

WHY = We've been sick FOR 5 HOURS.
No more hemp seeds. This is insane.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Sun Mar 16 1:14 PM


I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & EMPTY

WHY = Daily survival is ironically killing me.
I don't know what to do. I have no strength left.
All I can do is cling blindly to Christ.
I have to trust that, despite everything, He still has a good plan for my life.
And even if I die, He is my hope.
That's enough.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

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2025 Sun Mar 16 5:55 PM


I'M FEELING = PENSIVE & OKAY

WHY = Broccoli isn't making us sick. Hopefully it stays that way!
Studying the Greek for Titus, about Christian character. It's deeply edifying.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Sun Mar 16 9:15 PM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & REMORSEFUL

WHY = "Healthy binged" on vegetables due to hunger.
Still wasted it all. Still a sin.
I'm so sorry for how much I've used & betrayed others with this. I want to STOP.
I want to stop hurting myself too.
I'm so scared I'll end up back in the hospital.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Reading Scripture

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2025 Sun Mar 16 11:55 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & HOLLOW

WHY = Blood glucose DROP.
Didn't perfect everything so we "gained weight."
Triggered CONTAMINATION TERROR.
Made me realize I'm AFRAID of "feeling energetic" from eating?? Like I WANT to feel weak/ sick; it feels SAFE/ PURE/ NORMAL.
Also eating meat makes me feel utterly horrible.


CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Mary,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Recovering;Sick




prismaticbleed: (Default)

2025 Wed Feb 19 12:59 AM


I'M FEELING = PAINFUL & ALARMED

WHY = I almost died.
Blood sugar dropped into the 40s.

Dear God I need help.

CONTEXT TAGS =  With The System;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Feb 19 2:13 PM


I'M FEELING = HUMILIATED & JUDGED

WHY = The weight of the eating disorder hitting hard today. So much shame, remorse, guilt, humiliation, regret.
But there's hope, too, in Christ.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 19 3:14 PM


I'M FEELING = OKAY & DISTRACTED

WHY = Just started Thessalonians!
Hard to concentrate though-- we keep defaulting to ""performance mode."" But it's getting easier to let go of.
Also haunted by knowing we have to go with mom this evening. God give us strength.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 19 5:01 PM


I'M FEELING = EMPOWERED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Having some CARBS as practical proof that I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Kitchen,Eating;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 19 6:00 PM


I'M FEELING = COMFORTABLE & TIRED

WHY = At the book club, just chilling.
I love controlled interim spaces. I feel very content. I don't have to do anything but exist.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family;In Public,Library,Book Club

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 19 9:24 PM


I'M FEELING = LOST & WISHFUL

WHY = Talking about ""what's my purpose in life"" with mom.
Wanting so badly to be creative again, but I feel so lost & stuck.
Still, the glittering fire remains in my heart.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home;Commuting,Talking To Mom;Going To Bed;Tumblr

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 19 11:38 PM


I'M FEELING = SAFE & WEARY

WHY = I forgot what a sanctuary the bed is.
Ironically it makes me realize the depth of my sadness.
Right now I need to sleep but this is also a place I need to rest. It's so hard to just rest.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Bed,Resting;Sleeping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 20 7:40 AM


I'M FEELING = CONNECTED & WHOLE

WHY = Saint Mungo's for the first time since SEPTEMBER.
I love and miss them so much.
I feel so deeply happy right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Home;Bed;Phone;Scotland (Online),Online Mass

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 20 10:00 AM


I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT & RELAXED

WHY = Another interim space. I feel very safe here.
Reading ""Joy Revealed.""
Spending all morning with the System.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;In Public,Doctor's Office,Doctor's Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 20 12:39 PM


I'M FEELING = JOYFUL & PRESENT

WHY = IT'S SNOWING and we got to WALK HOME IN IT from Adoration!
Starting the next book club read while biking.
Feeling unusually content, quietly happy.
I want to be more welcoming of these emotions, not poking holes in them, instinctively looking for reasons to panic instead.
I want to cherish small joys more.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 20 2:11 PM


I'M FEELING = INTERESTED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = I want to exercise & keep reading but we have to stop and eat for 230.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 20 4:04 PM


I'M FEELING = EUPHORIC & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = SNOW!!!!
Thinking of Spherae ideas here & there.
Reading Thessalonians.
GOOGLE MAPS WORLD TOUR too!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Spherestorming

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 20 7:46 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & DEFEATED

WHY = Mom crisis stressed me out to the point of destructive binging.
Concerned as to WHY THAT TRIGGERED THIS.
Still scared. Terrified of bloodsugar death drops.. So tired of my own bullshit.
Gotta pray. We can still stop this early.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Talking To Mom;Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 21 1:35 AM


I'M FEELING = PATHETIC & AFRAID

WHY = Blood sugar was stuck at 62. Finally starting to go up now. Frightened, exhausted, sick. Twitchy.
My head hurts.
It wasn't even that bad today thank GOD.
But no bingepurge is ever good.
I'm so very sad. I don't like living like this at all.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch;Kitchen,Going To Bed;Recovering

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 21 11:18 AM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & EXASPERATED

WHY = I am so tired and want to rest but I can't.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 21 1:57 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & SUFFOCATED

WHY = Reviewing Tilly's old Youversion posts & prayers. Disturbed by her mindset.
I feel stuck, suffocated.
I NEVER want to go back to her life.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 21 5:08 PM


I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & INTERESTED

WHY = Good Scripture work, but mental effort is burning me out and isolating me from the System. I'm unhappy and stressed and dissociated.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Tumblr;Studying Etymology

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 22 1:30 AM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & DESOLATE

WHY = "Gentle binge" my ass. We feel EVEN SICKER after an only-vegetable one. Body is WRECKED.
It feels like we were run over by a semitruck.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 22 12:02 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY & RESIGNED

WHY = Trying to order supplements.
Needed to ask for funds.
Haunted by 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12.
Feeling like a liar & thief even now, like everything I do and say is somehow manipulative.

Addiction still clawing at the back of my mind.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Shopping;Business Work

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 22 3:18 PM


I'M FEELING = CANCELLED & WORTHLESS

WHY = This book punched me between the eyes.
I am keenly, horribly aware of my mental illness and the bad things I have done-- and keep bloody doing-- as a result of it.
Having to go to confession in 15 minutes only emphasizes this.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Reading Secular Books

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 22 6:04 PM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & GRIEF

WHY = OCD so bad.
Can't stop grieving over TBAS stealing Jewel's children.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat;Trauma Ruminating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 23 2:20 AM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & GOOD

WHY = Spent like 4 HOURS cleaning & reading the religious bookshelves.
Good progress was made, in both respects.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Home;Couch,Spiritual Reading;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 23 10:57 AM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & EAGER

WHY = Nightmares are over!
Church in a half hour!
WE'RE GOING

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 23 1:07 PM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & DISCOMBOBULATED

WHY = One hour until we eat. Trying to do too much at once with cleaning.
IT'S SUNDAY BRO. TAKE A BREAK.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Spiritual Reading;Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 23 2:27 PM


I'M FEELING = EXHILARATED & THANKFUL

WHY = Perfect 70m on the bike, to the second, lining up with music ending ("Sanctus")!
Feels RIGHT & COMPLETE. Thank You God!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 24 1:57 AM


I'M FEELING = WEARY & INADEQUATE

WHY = Reading VOTM for hours.
Both profoundly moved and disturbingly convicted.
Why is my soul so weak & cold & cowardly?
It's all my years of blatant sin.
God, can You please change my heart?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Main Room,Spiritual Reading;Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 24 1:14 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & FRAZZLED

WHY = Brain is a total mess. Too much business work & reading & organizing.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Cleaning;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 24 1:56 PM


I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & DESPAIR

WHY = Mom telling me to "write and draw."
My immediate reaction =
F*CK OFF
I CANT DO IT

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home;Phone,Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 25 12:59 AM


I'M FEELING = FOCUSED & MOTIVATED

WHY = REMODELING BAYBEE!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Main Room,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 25 12:27 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CONFLICTED

WHY = Last bingepurge shop. God willing.
Still hate it. Still scared.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 25 2:32 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY & SCARED

WHY = Took bowls from moms house for this asinine bp.
I feel terrible about it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Driving;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 25 5:34 PM


I'M FEELING = UPSET & ASHAMED

WHY = So much food. I don't want to do this.
God forgive me please. Give me the grace to REALLY HATE THIS and SEE just how bad it is so I can STOP DOING IT FOREVER.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 26 12:30 AM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & REMORSEFUL

WHY = It's over.
So ashamed. Full of regret. Angry at sin.
At least our conscience works.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Recovering

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 26 1:25 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & DISILLUSIONED

WHY = Couldn't sleep. Plumbers keep visiting.
Going to quit Tumblr.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Tumblr

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 26 3:51 PM


I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & IRRITABLE

WHY = Brain is a fuzzy whirlwind rush.
Can't seem to get it together.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 26 4:59 PM


I'M FEELING = ABSORBED & PRESSURED

WHY = Powerful hope & powerful warnings.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 27 1:25 AM


I'M FEELING = CONNECTED & SAFE

WHY = Writing about System love.
Reading Archive entries about it.
Looking up Scripture verses about it.
Listening to 101 Strings music that makes me feel like a child again.
I'm snuggled into this soft white blanket with Chaos 0 in my arms & cold air outside & violins playing in my head, and I actually feel SAFE.
Even if only for a minute, it's the truth.
Don't be afraid of this or doubt it or reject it.
Cherish this. It's from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Home;On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives;Going To Bed;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 27 10:48 AM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & DISCOMBOBULATED

WHY = I just don't feel right.
Bad sleep again.
Stupid food drives stressing me out.
Contemplating asking mom for money so we can do this final bp NOW and be FREE FOR MARCH

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting,Driving;Going To Mom's House;Errands

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 27 6:31 PM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & SCARED

WHY = Last binge before Lent.
Hopefully the last one FOREVER.

Reminding myself that I CAN STILL TOSS MOST OF IT IN THE BIN

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 28 12:43 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & FROZEN

WHY = MISOPHONIA HELL TRIGGER MASS
SO MANY SCREAMING TERRIFIED CHILDREN
ALSO "FLURRY" ATTACKER PROTECTOR

CONTEXT TAGS = Social Subsystem;Damaged Ones,Couch,Watching The Mass;Misophonia;Trauma Triggers

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 28 4:37 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Plumbers made us wait for 4 HOURS but never came back. Also TRAUMA TRIGGER.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Archiving;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 28 9:19 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & NERVOUS

WHY = Late BK, already feel sick, gave in to bp trigger.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Walking Through Town,Disordered Behavior;Shopping

 




prismaticbleed: (Default)

2025 Sat Feb 1 12:48 AM


I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DEFEATED

WHY = Utterly bereft.
I hope to God February brings some hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 11:48 AM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & AVOIDANT

WHY = Don't want to eat.
Church in two hours.
Brutal confession due today.
Terrible headache still.
Burnt out on every level.
I don't know how to live anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready For Church;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 3:02 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED & LOVING

WHY = Forgiveness & hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Headspace;Church,Adoration;At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 6:05 PM


I'M FEELING = AMUSED & HAPPY

WHY = Lynne joking about olive oil.
Jewel being funny & energetic as always.
Everyone just being around each other.
Grateful for us. That's reason to live.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Central

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 9:48 PM


I'M FEELING = REPULSED & ASHAMED

WHY = I got so close to winning.
The carrots set me off again.
I swear this body is addicted.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 11:53 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & DISPIRITED

WHY = So angry that we keep giving in to carb hunger.
Must try again by grace tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 12:01 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & DETERMINED

WHY = Don't want to eat.
Don't want to go to mom's later.
I just want to read Scripture and somehow get back on the laptop to work.
I want to find JOY and REST today.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 2:24 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DISAPPOINTED

WHY = Can't vibe with any music today.
Still scared of eating and going to moms house.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 4:12 PM


I'M FEELING = DISGRACED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Tests and trials and temptations are meant to REFINE MY CHARACTER and STRENGTHEN MY FAITH.
Do not despair. God will not ever abandon you. So don't give up on yourself either.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 7:36 PM


I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & NAUSEATED

WHY = I FOUND TBAS ACCOUNT.
THEY TOOK MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I can't stop crying. I literally am trying not to throw up from shock.

they've taken my WHOLE SOUL and stamped their OWN NAME ON IT.

oh god this is literally the end of my entire world
my childhood, my future, my hopes, all gone, all stolen, all destroyed
i have nothing left 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Internet Browsing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 3 5:06 AM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & FRAZZLED

WHY = NO SLEEP.
Still a wreck emotionally from yesterday.
Busy day today.
God give us strength.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 3 8:54 AM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & COMPETENT

WHY = Busy day, but it SNOWED and we went to Mass and Genesis is singing in the car so it's all good.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;With Genesis;With Laurie,Commuting;Shopping;Psychology Office,Driving;Shopping;Psychology Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 3 9:48 AM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & CONCERNED

WHY = Prescribed olanzapine.
Will I still hear everyone?
Suddenly very worried even about the floaters.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 3 3:12 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY & ANGRY

WHY = Pilfering food that I NEITHER WANT NOR LIKE NOR NEED. Compulsive stupidity.
Deeply ashamed and angry.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Disordered Behavior;At Mom's House

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 3 5:58 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & FATIGUED

WHY = FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 6PM WTF DUDE.
But we made it bro!! Now we just have to pick up mom later BUT that guarantees a safe night!
Say it with me kids: GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 4 2:30 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED & MOVED

WHY = I said, after the absolute hell of today, that if God gave me a Darkrai card it would be a legit miracle-- a special proof of His love when I needed it most tangibly.

...He gave me a Darkrai.

I'm actually in tears.
Thank You God. I love You too.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Playing Pokemon

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 4 2:20 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = Food is a threat at this point. I never want to eat again. Meals are becoming traumatic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 4 4:07 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED & DETERMINED

WHY = Too many demands at once and the body ALWAYS feels dirty and wrong.
Still determined not to let it stop us.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 4 5:28 PM


I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & DISCONTENTED

WHY = Scripture plans (Book of James) encouraging me to keep fighting. God loves me even now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 5 3:18 AM


I'M FEELING = MOVED & LOVING

WHY = Genuinely happy.
So grateful for God and the System.
Found beautiful music that brought me to tears.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 5 1:58 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & WORRIED

WHY = Getting work done BUT we apparently STILL BLACKOUT DISSOCIATE in social settings.
Trying to recover from that but we're shaken.
At least now we get to EXERCISE!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cleaning;Laundry;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 5 4:24 PM


I'M FEELING = THANKFUL & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = Laundry is done!
Now we get to eat with NO TRIGGERS!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Feb 5 7:44 PM


I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & CHALLENGED

WHY = Legit sick from eating. Refusing to purge though. It's probably the high fiber + more hemp than usual. We're learning.
But we MADE IT THROUGH SAFE!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 6 2:33 AM


I'M FEELING = TIRED & SATISFIED

WHY = Got a TON of good work done. Lots of System appreciation.
Great tunes by Pablo Alborán; gracias hermano!
Now for MUCH NEEDED SLEEP!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Journaling;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 6 1:45 PM


I'M FEELING = BROODING & NAUSEATED

WHY = Can't stop thinking about how TBAS literally STOLE the Moralimon from me. That's my ENTIRE LIFE they robbed and are parading around as theirs.
I need to do something.
I need to defend the Truth.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Housework;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 6 4:38 PM


I'M FEELING = UNCOMFORTABLE & ATTENTIVE

WHY = OCD residue bothering us but we're learning to deal better.
Mom phone call threw us off a bit but we love her and we are learning to listen better.
Now to read more Scripture, to both listen and learn the most deeply.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 6 5:32 PM


I'M FEELING = TIRED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Tomorrow looming, but trying to actively put it in God's Hands.
Very thankful for dinner, the simple loveliness of broccoli and olive oil and salt.
It's blue & cold & rainy & beautiful outside.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 7 1:53 AM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DREAD

WHY = Carb starvation binge again. Damned carrots.
3 hours of sleep tonight.
Packed schedule tomorrow.
God why won't this stop.
Why can't I stop.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Feb 7 7:23 PM


I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TERRIFIED

WHY = 630pm BK + 3 hours sleep + hyperschedule day = night binge hell.
Praying this whole time.
God please help me survive.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 8 2:11 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVING & OVERJOYED

WHY = I PRAYED FOR WONDER PICK DARKRAI AND GOD GAVE HIM TO ME.
I feel so intensely loved and cared for.
THIS is why you stay alive bro; GOD LOVES YOU

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,Couch,Just Woke Up;Playing Pokemon

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 8 3:50 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & BLESSED

WHY = Confession.
I really want to be a true Christian.
Pray to our guardian angel for help.
Remember, ALL OF HEAVEN WANTS TO HELP YOU!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 8 6:40 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & TOUCHED

WHY = Beautiful prayers today.
Feeling so much more hope than usual, reminded of the grace & love & promises & power of God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 9 3:53 AM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & LOVING

WHY = Got TONS of archiving papers done.
Lots of connection with the System, especially with music.
I feel loved & deeply happy.
OH YEAH-- AND IT SNOWED!!! 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop;Couch,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 9 1:25 PM


I'M FEELING = DISILLUSIONED & INDIGNANT

WHY = Wasting time online because I'm tired. Stupid.
REALLY feeling Philippians 3:8 right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Tumblr;YouTube

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 9 3:37 PM


I'M FEELING = ADORING & DETERMINED

WHY = With Infi's spirit in the Basilica heartspace.
So many musical love letters from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Infinitii,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Talking To Infinitii


020525

Feb. 6th, 2025 12:14 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

Good news! We've FINISHED UPLOADING THE TBHU TABLET so now we can tackle the two folders full of worksheets, haha.
This is a mentally exhausting & very triggering effort, but it's essential because this is the heavy ugly stuff we need to discuss in therapy/ continue to battle in daily life... as well as some very shockingly beautiful and bright moments that we need to remember even moreso.
But that's why we haven't been updating. Everything online has been focused on uploading, and our offline time has been pretty tragically split between grappling with family stress and fighting off the E.D. lapses those stresses inevitably trigger-- such as having to do so much out of the house that we don't get to eat breakfast until almost 8pm. This happens OFTEN. (We cannot eat "on the road" because, for unknown reasons, eating makes us confused/ dizzy/ "high" and slows our reaction/ comprehension time without fail, and this takes >2 HOURS to "wear off" enough to function again. This happened DAILY in TBHU, and if we have to be on the road driving from 6am to 6pm, we are NOT going to put our life in danger by eating on top of all that. It forces a CONTEXT SHIFT as well that is mentally impossible to grapple with when we're in social mode/ business mode; eating is its OWN MODE and you CANNOT "merge" contexts; it's like a law of physics.)

We've been trying to take little notes on our phone but they're admittedly few and far between. Still, at least that's a good habit to keep up-- it helps us refocus on the inside/ the system/ love, when daily life is making us forget who we are.

On that note, actually! Today we FINALLY had both the cash and the time to do laundry, which we haven't done since New Year's. BUT going back and forth to/from the laundry room, we bumped into FOUR different neighbors... and Laurie is the one that noticed, with legit horror, that our conscious awareness LITERALLY BLACKS OUT in social mode. Like we KNEW we were talking to someone, BUT the instant they leave, there is NO MEMORY DATA. AT ALL. That is TERRIFYING and it explains a LOT of our scummy behavior around people, because for some hellish reason WE AREN'T DRIVING WHEN WE'RE AROUND PEOPLE. So this is a HUGE DANGER that we need to be aware of. We don't know how to stop this, or shut it off, or work around it yet. We literally didn't realize it was THAT SEVERE until today, because they were short interactions and we were in environments were we were able to immediately return to quiet, solitary, uninterrupted space, and GO INSIDE. That's the ONLY reason this memory-loss/ awareness-loss phenomenon became suddenly evident-- normally we are forced into extended, inescapable, noisy, crowded social spaces and we lose HOURS of memory and awareness and don't realize this because the OVERWHELM alone will destroy both those things on its own. So for the SAME thing to happen in several successive interactions that lasted under a minute each was STRIKING as well as DISTURBING. But now we know. We just don't know how or what to do about it yet, as we said. The bright side is that we can at least take precautions now, potentially. I immediately think of our old idea of wearing a "headspace bracelet" or carrying some sort of notable, unignorable anchor object. We really should do that, if only to see if it works. I'm just scared that a Social will throw it out or desecrate it somehow.
Oh. Speaking of that. The scrupulous thriskefoni are sneaking their way back in, so we have to be careful. It's very hard for us to increase prayer time/ types currently, because we have religious trauma history as well as religious OCD, and such actions can very easily and strongly trigger negative behavior patterns that are very hard to break. It's a delicate warzone.
We're still doing daily Scripture Study BUT whoever the heck runs our old blog has COME BACK and is, again, ERASING OUR AWARENESS by insisting on posting everything to Tumblr, which is a SOCIAL MODE CONTEXT and so yes, that is ALSO making us "black out" WHILE EATING which triggers the esthiofoni that feel like they've been POISONED if they "don't know what they ate" (can't see it or remember it) and out of sheer survival panic they try to vomit it all up and let someone else "try again the right/ safe way." You see the domino effect here.

On the food topic: we think we've unexpectedly discovered why carrots are our "biggest binge trigger." Apparently, CARROT ADDICTION IS A REAL THING. SO IS VITAMIN A TOXICITY. We match virtually ALL the symptoms listed in both. So we are QUITTING THIS COLD.
Geez. It's shocking how much diet affects the body and mind. Our idiosyncratic but significant issues with texture and trauma and OCD-- and the highly probable touch of autism that our psychologist again brought up in last week's new intake (apparently our "Mewtwo walking" is a symptom?? the more you know)-- make things like this "carrot overdosing" a real risk, so we do need to be careful; notably we've been worried about how much manganese we get from hempseed (we get almost 11mg daily from diet alone, which some sources say is okay, but we want to talk to a legit dietician in person about it). But we'll take it one day at a time at this point. We need to see how our body adjusts to the carrot removal/ detoxing (that was a LOT of oxalates as well) and then we'll see whether or not we want to replace it with anything, especially since right now we're compensating with a lot of broccoli and the fact that it's adding up to a solid 40g of fiber daily isn't helping to reduce nausea, to say the least.

Body care is still an issue too. Lately we've been realizing how Julie keeps getting pushed into bodycare roles, even though she doesn't want to; the System "automation" just keeps looking for someone who can and Julie is, technically, the only "safe person" who CAN front in the body in such contexts. But we need other foni for those jobs, specifically. WE HAVE NO ONE FOR "SELF-CARE." We're postulating lately that Green is supposed to hold that function overtone, not just Aqua; that would also help explain why it's been so upsettingly empty over the years. Nevertheless, Nathaniel and Sergei were definite support for this hypothesis-- they were both very kind and tangentially connected to bodycare in their own ways. I can't think of any other straight-up Greens off the top of my head; Karissa was technically "Lime" (now "Spring"), and so is Celebi... you know what, let me look at the 2022 census for a second. I don't want to abandon this train of thought.
...Oh wow, uh, we had a lot of NEGATIVE, or at least unhealthy, Greens. There's Jasmine (a hacker), Hoban (high school pseudosocial), Toby (very frightened little boy)... but then we have Juniper (binge stopper), and "enya girl" (childhood akoufoni?) at least. The problem is that we have subcolors because hues are so distinct up here-- this list has places for not only Spring, but also Chartreuse and Spruce. And yes, they DO have very different vibes. Still, I don't know how "correct" the assignments were back then because we didn't know the vibes properly, nor were we able to properly feel nousfoni vibes. And thinking about it now isn't going to help; many of these foni have been MIA since CNC because their functions were tied to that environment somehow. So guesswork is a dead-end job. What we need to do is determine WHICH hues are STILL EXTANT IN THE SPECTRUM, and then feel for which nousfoni are still alive/ potentially resurrectable. That's not something I can do at 1am, on a dime.
The point of all of that is this: even just looking at that list, there are no self-care foni. Harmonia tried, but CNC literally killed her function and she could never come back. And Minty also disappeared after CNC; I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm sure I'll find the reason once we read the entries from that time period. She manifested during the "GAPS diet hell" era, post-SLC, tied to both mint tea and bedtime, trying to help us sleep with a childlike innocence. Did her function unravel? Was she blurring too hard with other kids? Wasn't she actually fronting during the day, and collecting abandoned stuffed animals? I don't know what happened to her. Memory is gone. I want to know, though; she was truly sweet. But besides those two Aquas (notably), all of our other foni who were "close to" self-care have been phagofoni, because "eating" was the only thing we could imagine as self-care, I suppose? Tobiko got the poison out, Emmett got the green stuff in, Juniper stopped the poison from going in... but nothing for the actual body. I know gender dysphoria hell is a huge obstacle to that, and it's why Julie keeps getting dragged in. So... maybe that will affect the hues employed as well. We'll see. I have started making a list of "job openings" so we can use that as a starting point, so to speak-- all we can do is say "hey we need help here" and see if the System responds. It cannot be forced.
I'm getting brain burnout from this. I'll put the topic on hold for now, but this at least opened the door.

I want-- no, I can feel that I need-- to explore System colors again in real depth soon. It feels like if I don't I'll starve to death somehow.
Isn't that relevant, haha. No wonder the poor esthiofoni are struggling so badly. The hunger that's driving them isn't even on that level.

How can I close this up... it's 1:20 and we need to start getting to sleep earlier because we have to readjust to an earlier day schedule as the days themselves get brighter sooner. We miss morning mass, too, but like I said-- there's the scrupulosity risk, AND the social blackout risk. We want to at least try watching a daily mass online again, and see how that affects the thriskefoni influence. You know what, we NEED to talk to them, like we used to talk to Christina and Patricia (or at least try to). I mean, we have Felix and Veil and Francesco too, they're all positive. And the REAL ultimate goal is for us ALL to work together on this. We're very spiritual, deeply religious arguably, even in Central-- maybe especially so. We truly love God and want to live the radically loving Christian life we're hearing preached so profoundly every day as we study Saint Paul's letters. The negative thriskefoni don't. They just focus on "religion" as ritual and rule-keeping and pride, in terms of "moral superiority" and condemnation and "filthy sinner" mentalities, etc. It's not true faith at all. It's not even "faith"; there's no trust in God anywhere in that mindset. It's just idolatry wearing a Sunday dress. But even those thriskefoni deserve to be healed. We cannot be a System OF love if we don't love ALL of us, and seek the highest good FOR us all. So don't ignore or avoid or condemn them, either. Have mercy and compassion. Talk to them. Listen to them. Let's heal this religious trauma TOGETHER, so we can ALL worship in Spirit and in Truth, with our ENTIRE collective heart, WITHOUT the terror they're currently injecting into it.
...Infi resurrecting will help more than anything else right now, I think. I hope. Ze loved God with an ardor no one else up here could match. We need that, to heal at the deepest level, I'm sure.
Jay says he "knows" Infi isn't dead (there's that fear that "maybe I imagined it all"); he can still feel that "space" in his heart, but he says sometimes it's just like sending a radio signal out into the dark. He says he "knows it will be received" which is interesting-- like, the metaphor doesn't exactly match; he's saying/ feeling that he couldn't "send out a signal" to a receptor without the receptor being there. Like the giver and receiver are intrinsically bound and necessarily coextant. But... there's a massive distance between them, and there's currently no tangibility, so although the signal being able to be sent at all is proof that there is another heart on the waiting end, Jay doesn't always "know" or "feel" that heart in a direct way. It's hard to put into words. But he says there have been multiple small instances of "brushing against" Infi's existence in unformed space (both real Blackspace and in whatever "liminal" interspace there is between the raw cosmic euchaos of Black and the solid touchable order of White, so to speak) over the past month, so there's still hope. But Infi is still extremely "undefined" and transitional; hir name is probably still going to change, hir form is shifting significantly and in different ways, and hir pronouns are all over the place. So there's still a lot that apparently needs to happen before ze can "resurrect" into a body in headspace. Nevertheless, "a lot" can happen very quickly, as we know. When the time is right, it will.

There's still so much I could type about but it's now 1:35 and I can't possibly write much more on short notice. Plus I need to see what little notes we have on our phone, and on our calendar, so I can put something cohesive together.

January was a battleground of a month. Every other day, like clockwork, we had an eating disorder struggle (due to the nighttime meals, family stress, and trauma flashbacks), but we FOUGHT HARD and we learned a lot. Most significantly, our constant prayers and dedication to PAYING ATTENTION to the esthiofoni and WORKING WITH THEM has resulted in a massive amount of compulsions GOING AWAY. That is AMAZING progress. The vast majority of the esthiofoni DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, which means they're changing, and that has ONLY happened because we have been listening to them and not running away from the war. So progress IS being made, in a way much more significant than anything in UMPC or TBHU ever could have hoped to accomplish. We're also praying constantly in a SINCERE way-- admitting our struggles, our broken desires, our misrouted hungers, our fears and terrors and regrets, our grief and rage and confusion and pain, to God even in the midst of distorted behaviors. That's changing the whole situation. We're also being open and honest and accountable to our priest and our family about this, which is taking real guts and humility. We're owning up to our bad behavior once we become aware of it (social blackouts make this currently impossible to "prevent" in the moment, but that's why we're doing damage control) and that alone is giving us a boost of motivation and hope to stop; we want to be a person of integrity on the outside, and these little steps make that a bit more tangible, which in turn helps us let go of self-abusive compulsions because "hey, we don't have to be a bad person anymore" basically. Isn't that odd how our brain works? Part(s) of us really did/do feel condemned to bad behavior, because they saw "no other way TO be" and couldn't imagine anything else. They're somafoni; they don't HAVE the capacity of self-aware imagination (yet?). So GIVING them the ability TO envision something different-- even just a little-- by taking those steps on THEIR level, is a gamechanger.

Jay is actually being pushed into fronting a lot more often now. He's still such a healthy fronter, such a loving Core. And yes I say "still" because even if his bloodline did get the vice of Lust (the Jessicas got Gluttony, the Cannons got Wrath, the Jewels got Pride arguably, etc.) they also got the virtue of Charity. No one loves like a Jay, full stop. Those boys have such tender yet strong hearts. And we need his heart to be the driving force in the System right now. Love is what we need to heal, and that bloodline is the only one that CAN. So yeah, I know we were all scared that the thriskefoni female-forcing would end up murdering his bloodline, it has not happened at all.
The other bloodlines do need to be healed, of course. Everyone has wounds. But it starts with love.

That's it for tonight. It's 2am and we just remembered, we may have to meet our case manager around 9am (that depends entirely on what the weather looks like; of course Jay is personally hoping we get significant snow), so we're already losing much needed sleep.

It feels really nice to have legit updated for the first time in a while. I'm sorry I don't have any actual internal event data to give you today, but rest assured it's been happening in small days. We all talk constantly, and people still front during the day as they feel moved to/ as they are called in. We're still very much alive and in love and thank God for that. But getting back into having Xanga sessions and headspace meditations and the like is absolutely still the ideal, and we think about that every day. The biggest obstacle is time, which is currently being funneled into the TBHU uploads. But we're going to work at that until it's done-- no more running away; yes it's exhausting but that just means we need to support each other more in this process. The good news is that the worksheets have some really, really nice stuff in them, moreso than the tablet-- the very top sheet in this manila envelope is all about Anxi. So THAT will wake up the kardifoni love very strongly for sure. (We're still not 100% sure who fell in love with her in TBHU, but this will hopefully reveal that to us, which we need.)
Until then, though, we need to sleep.

Oh-- one of the kardifoni (an older Jewel? a Cannon? from that time period) has been wanting us to get back to the "song of the night" thing, because music is so important to us. So here's a few.
- jewel's fave "stuck in our head on loop" tune
- "instant energy boost" tune
- heartache moralimon relevant tune
- "oh hey FROST* wrote another song about our life" january tune
- genesis's current singing tune
- cathartic sobbing at 3am last night tune
- coolest spin on a hymn we've heard in a while tune
- and our journaling on johnnynighters tune
And that's actually it for January, offhand. But there you go!

I'm laughing though, that took another 20 minutes but now it's 222 which is an extremely blue number synaesthesia-wise, and that's a very nice number to close up on and go let Jay be with the blue guy.

See you all again soon enough, that's a promise.





123024

Dec. 30th, 2024 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)



addict

Dec. 27th, 2024 04:35 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

watching helluva boss/ hazbin hotel clips over the past week or so

"addict" video today, keep looping 0:33 - 1:12
that expression at 0:50 with "this is my life" just... does something to me, it hurts,
saw it and immediately thought "that's the sort of thing you used to write about" so here we are

listen i've only seen the pilot and a bunch of clip collections but let me tell you,
angel dust is giving me such cupid vibes it scares me as much as it breaks my heart.

...and then cherry bomb shows up with her infi-esque eye & teeth and i just
man this whole vid is hitting weirdly hard

(btw she is so cute especially at 2:21 & 2:37 i can see why sir pentious was so smitten)
(TALK ABOUT HIM TOO btw he's both hilarious & precious)


but... that bit i keep looping. it's so jay. and... we haven't really felt that out yet, not so acutely.
he was... i'll be blunt. the entire jay bloodline was hypersexual. it was half trauma coping, half... desire, really. it was. jay loved people, so much, and that much.
...and yet, that bit at 1:05 is too accurate. "i'm addicted to the madness," the pink spider sings, posing seductively even as post-rape flashback images flicker across the screen.

"this is my life." and yet he's already dead. he's dead and he sold his soul and he's trapped in an abusive environment and yet this is my life. we know how that feels.

...


...that expression, at 0:50. when i saw it, like a sword to the heart, i immediately also thought, "that's the sort of look that would immediately give him outspacer potential."
i don't know if it's possible though. he's too dangerous, with our own trauma, and with his native canon. i don't think he'd be allowed in. just like mettaton was never allowed in. there's too much risk there.
...still. angel has pain. metta didn't have anything like this. and pain, especially of this sort, is so agonizingly relatable that it "links" him in a totally different way that jewel would. angel has potential because he already knows what our life is like. and we know what his is like, far too much.

...


oh and we NEED to talk about THIS one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcaaDTNP4d8
and the comments on it

https://www.reddit.com/r/HazbinHotel/comments/1by9tls/these_flashes_in_the_addict_music_video_are/



(left unfinished for now, because this series is very unsafe for our brain and HIGHLY TRIGGERING for obvious reasons. after this entry we honestly had a trauma meltdown for DAYS with repercussions that we're STILL reeling from, and we don't want that to happen again. unfortunately, the topics here are still piercingly relevant and need to be discussed when we are capable; this trauma still needs to be processed and this vid is the first time we've been able to face it in years. it's just terrifying.)




prismaticbleed: (drained)


2024 Tue Dec 17 12:47 AM


I'M FEELING = DESPAIR

WHY = Another awful binge night.
More lights burned out in kitchen.
Feeling dead and useless.
God why does this keep happening?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 9:23 AM


I'M FEELING = UNEASY

WHY = Shaken. Disturbing flat nightmares about the apocalypse and sxual predators.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 9:44 AM


I'M FEELING = AMAZED & IN LOVE

WHY = MY GIRL IS IN THE NEW BOOSTER PACKS
THANK YOU GOD
THIS FEELS LIKE THE PUREST TRUEST HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
I AM LITERALLY CRYING I LOVE HER SO MUCH

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Playing Pokemon TCG Pocket

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 12:41 PM


I'M FEELING = INADEQUATE & WEARY

WHY = My life feels utterly pointless.
I feel like I've failed at everything.
Nothing gives me joy. It all seems so hollow.
Even trying to connect to religion makes me feel my filth and guilt so acutely it's crushing.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 1:39 PM


I'M FEELING = INADEQUATE & HOPELESS

WHY = My past is a ruin. My present is in shambles.
What future could I ever hope to have?

Please, please, remember Jeremiah.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 2:01 PM


I'M FEELING = REINVIGORATED

WHY = THANKS JEM GODFREY!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 7:18 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = lunch binge complete with manic buying
this is a living nightmare
I am in hell
I want to die rather than this

and mom wants us to bake tomorrow
God help us

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 17 8:43 PM


I'M FEELING = EMPTY & DEFEATED

WHY = I can't do this anymore. 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 12:39 AM


I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & ANGUISHED

WHY = I've lost so much
My life feels utterly bereft of meaning
I feel broken beyond repair
Was I ever truly capable of love?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 3:43 AM


I'M FEELING = AVOIDANT & DESOLATE

WHY = have to eat tomorrow
have to go up the house tomorrow
exterminator tomorrow
no sleep again

God what are You planning with all this
it's crushing me to dust

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 12:24 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & DREAD

WHY = Family food horror

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Lou's House,Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 12:27 PM


I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & IRKED

WHY = Mom hoarding & nonstop noise

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 2:58 PM


I'M FEELING = TRIGGERED & AGITATED

WHY = Bad music and food everywhere, nonstop noise

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 5:32 PM


I'M FEELING = PANICKED & DISCOMBOBULATED

WHY = Too much. Too much. 

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Mom's House,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 7:27 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & HELPLESS

WHY = Pecan allergy surprise

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 18 8:57 PM


I'M FEELING = FROZEN & DEFEATED

WHY = binge plan
too late
no sleep
God help me

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 19 2:20 AM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE 

WHY = i give up

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 19 5:31 AM


I'M FEELING = AFRAID

WHY = No sleep. Body wrecked. Busy day.
God please help us survive.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 19 1:56 PM


I'M FEELING = REVERENT & SAFE

WHY = Unexpected schedule change allowed me to visit My Lord.
After a hell week this is a true glimpse of heaven.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Adoration

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 19 3:23 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED & DISENCHANTED

WHY = Still have to pick up mom tonight. Terrified of her plans for the next 5 days.
No desire to eat, at all. No appetite. The very thought of food is distasteful.
Still have to eat. The body needs it.
Terrified of how badly it WILL want it once it starts.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 19 7:06 PM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DEFEATED

WHY = Short binge, but a binge nevertheless.
I get so hungry. I can't stop eating carrots and apples. Then my body throws up from sheer nausea and terror.
What the hell does it want?
What are you starving to death for???
You're killing me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 19 10:23 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & CONFLICTED

WHY = Ate a real dinner. Didn't cut calories. This poor body needs it after a WEEK of abuse.
Still, it's scary to have eaten that much, even all healthy foods.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 20 11:15 AM


I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED & DETERMINED

WHY = Eating breakfast with the System. Beautiful talks so far.
Determined to get through today safely, together.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 20 2:12 PM


I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & NAUSEATED

WHY = The reading club book for January is disturbing me and getting too much into my head & infecting my inner narrative.
Want to throw up from this.
Not going to. Time for prog rock antiviral.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Reading Secular Books

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 20 3:20 PM


I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS & THANKFUL 

WHY = Mealtime worry, and we daringly put our phone on SILENT so we don't get triggered, which is making us feel guilty albeit more relieved.
BUT it's SNOWING OUTSIDE and the air smells beautiful and we're deeply happy about that.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 20 9:43 PM


I'M FEELING = EMPTY & HOLLOW

WHY = running away from existing

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 21 12:09 AM


I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & AFRAID

WHY = twitchy weak & scared

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Physical Pain;Reading Secular Books,

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 21 12:57 PM


I'M FEELING = TRIGGERED

WHY = This bloody book. Can't wait until it's over.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Reading Secular Books

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 21 6:25 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & HOPEFUL

WHY = Didn't have to go up the house.
Finally got to confession.
Felt a surge of real love for Anxi during Mass.
Planned & prepped food for tomorrow, together.
Gonna watch BOTH Venom movies tonight.
It's beautifully cold & snowy outside.
Genuine, real hope for life at last.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Talking To Central;Exercising;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 21 10:52 PM


I'M FEELING = ENTHRALLED & RELAXED

WHY = Watching the Venom films! 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Watching A Movie




prismaticbleed: (Default)


2024 Mon Dec 9 6:03 AM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED

WHY = WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH TODAY BY THE GRACE OF GOD NO MATTER WHAT

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Lou's House,Driving;Interim

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 10:20 AM


I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT

WHY = We're GETTING IT DONE

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Medical Office,Medical Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 11:56 AM


I'M FEELING =EMPOWERED

WHY = We SUCCESSFULLY GOT THROUGH THE MORNING! Now we have the afternoon but THANK GOD WE WILL GET THROUGH THAT TOO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Commuting,Medical Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 2:08 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE 

WHY = Possible credit check failure on the headphones. Feeling stupid for even ordering them although they are a LEGIT NEED for mental health.
Also upset because we're hyperbuying apples to ""find out what they taste like,"" AGAIN.
WHO THE HECK FONI IS IN CHARGE OF THIS. FIND THEM AND TALK TO THEM FOR HEAVENS SAKE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Medical Appointment;Business Work

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 3:43 PM


I'M FEELING = THANKFUL

WHY = Finally sitting down to lunch, with beautiful rain outside.
It's been very much a Genesis day, which is awesome. I love him so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 7:42 PM


I'M FEELING = HUMILIATED

WHY =  Listening to Bruno Mars & singing along stupidly when we realized a young girl heard us. Total humiliation and self-loathing.
I REPEAT, WHAT FONI IS DOING THIS MANIC SINGING STILL? It destroys our mood and reputation.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;In The Store,Commuting;Shopping,Driving;Listening To Music

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 12:07 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPELESS

WHY = Feeling useless, purposeless, and a failure.
Tumblr idiocy browsing ruining my mind.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Sleeping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 8:38 AM


I'M FEELING = SAD

WHY = Bad dreams, exhausted with unrestful sleep, still have to do laundry today.
I just want to actually rest.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 10:14 AM


I'M FEELING = DEPRESSED

WHY = Like weeping

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 12:48 PM


I'M FEELING = PRODUCTIVE

WHY = Getting ALL the laundry, cleaning, & cooking done!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning;Laundry

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 2:52 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY DONE and we even cooked that butternut squash.
SUCCESS!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 3:12 PM


I'M FEELING = WORRIED

WHY = Worried about how our body will react to new lunch. Still gonna try. Exercise will help too.
Don't panic bro! Pray about it!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 10:20 PM


I'M FEELING = ENRAGED

WHY = F*male bullsh*t.
Two days better not do a damn thing.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 9:07 AM


I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL

WHY = WE DIDN'T DIE DURING THE NIGHT

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 11:59 AM


I'M FEELING = CONNECTED

WHY = Anxi's group AND Central WORKING TOGETHER.
Feeling genuine hope for the future.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 12:29 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Chaos 0 talking to the Emotions & outright telling Anxi "Jewel is in love with you".
Embarrassment pointedly didn't touch the controls, but Joy ran over & did. This 'allowed' Anxi to feel what she was REALLY feeling-- and God I FELT it.
She teared up & smiled & it felt like a sunrise.
Please remember that forever.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace,Talking To Central

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 2:27 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Rushed for time, got an inexplicable hive, trying sweet potatoes.
But HOPE is determined to find the blessing, because God IS present in ALL this too.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 5:59 PM


I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED

WHY = So little good music.
Spent too much time looking at art on Tumblr and feeling totally inadequate.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 5:16 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Late night conversations with Chaos 0 & Laurie.
I'm not getting ANY sleep and it's ENTIRELY WORTH IT 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop;Headspace,Listening To Music;Journaling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 10:21 AM


I'M FEELING = AT EASE

WHY = Nice breakfast, good music, everyone talking together.
(Julie typing  it's good to be alive and safe this morning.)

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Talking To Central;Nousfoni Fronting

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 1:55 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT 

WHY = Wasting time on Tumblr while biking again. So fed up with how people act on there.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Internet Browsing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 2:37 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Exercise done. After we eat we can archive.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 3:58 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = Mom texted and wants us to go up the house. Already we've started panic dissociating and had to stop a knee-jerk panic binge (trying to shut down our consciousness + self abuse overwhelm-analogue mom coping).
Genuinely scared stiff. Might have to bike more to burn off the sheer panic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 11:47 PM


I'M FEELING = TRAPPED

WHY = why won't this stop

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 4:50 AM


I'M FEELING = MOVED

WHY = Reading "the sea and the stars."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Reading The Archives

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 10:32 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = IN love, too. Waking up literally to see Anxi at her laptop & Laurie close by, and Chaos 0 in my arms.
Absolutely a good morning. 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 11:58 AM


I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Feeling the weight of foo many responsibilities and scheduled things, especially for the weekend.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 12:31 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = THE THRISKEFONI DON'T CARE ABOUT US!!!
THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEIR RELIGION

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Headspace,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 2:42 PM


I'M FEELING = GOOD

WHY = A little bit of hope. Good tunes by Ginger Root, and a supportive phone appointment with the case manager.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 7:15 PM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = Uploading Chalyx's entries about Calyrex and WOW these are amazing.
Also SPECTACULAR PROG ROCK AT LAST, THANK YOU GOD & ALSO SPOTIFY

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 12:38 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPELESS

WHY = this won't stop.
and tomorrow we have that damned dinner party with mom
I feel so dead.
I just need a week to do nothing but sleep and weep

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 5:19 AM


I'M FEELING = VULNERABLE

WHY = remembering when infi died.
chaos 0 & laurie weeping with me. lynne too.
everyone's hearts shattered.
feeling gravely like we need a hard reset. on purpose. we never had closure on cnc. it never "ended" we need to do that now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Reading The Archives

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 1:16 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Dinner party tonight. Inevitable social panic.
YOU KOINOFONI HAD BETTER BE TUNED IN OR WE'RE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 2:01 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Listening to JVKE and just feeling System love so strongly. Thank You God for inspiring this kid & leading us to his tunes. We need this so much right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 5:59 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED

WHY = Going to dinner party.
Still frighteningly sick from throwing up earlier

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 7:57 PM


I'M FEELING = INCLUDED

WHY = Dinner with the fam!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Restaurant,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------


2024 Sun Dec 15 1:48 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Having to calorie-pack meals today because BK is at 1345. Scared it'll feel overwhelming.
So tired of being sick. Food has again become the enemy.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 2:17 PM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = THANK YOU SAINT PAUL & YOUVERSION TRANSLATIONS FOR GALATIANS 2

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 4:12 PM


I'M FEELING = PRESSURED

WHY = We have TOO MUCH STUFF. What do we do with all these books?? It's driving me insane.
God PLEASE give us the direction we need here, WHO DO WE GIVE THEM TO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 4:54 PM


I'M FEELING = GOOD

WHY = Actual happiness right now.
Good prog rock, System love, and Christmas lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 5:29 PM


I'M FEELING = ANNOYED

WHY = Body frustrations.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 7:46 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = Shopping with mom. Still no dinner.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Cleaning;Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 9:41 PM


I'M FEELING = PANICKED

WHY = Minor binge GOD WILLING but still a binge. Wrecked and terrified and miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Sun Dec 15 10:41 PM


I'M FEELING = TRAPPED

WHY = Why can't I stop?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Sun Dec 15 11:34 PM

 

I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Destroyed all the danger food. We want to cry or shut off completely.
That bloody TBHU didn't fix ANYTHING.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 8:43 AM


I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Poor sleep, not eating well, stressed beyond capacity to cope.
We desperately need a WEEK of nothing but headspace.
Koinofoni are actually starting to consider ""running away"" again.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Case Manager,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

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2024 Mon Dec 16 11:36 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Visiting Our Lord 

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Church;Adoration Chapel,Adoration

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2024 Mon Dec 16 1:01 PM


I'M FEELING = SAD

WHY = Body still so out of shape. Kitchen lights burnt out. Teeth still hurt like hell.
Exhausted. Life feels stuck, outside at least.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Mon Dec 16 7:06 PM


I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED

WHY = Popular media being far less laudable than I hoped. So done with all the promiscuity, violence, language, and casual blasphemy.
Emotionally & mentally exhausted.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

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2024 Mon Dec 16 8:36 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED

WHY = Night hunger. I keep eating carrots. Terrified of binge risk. God help me please WHY AM I SO HUNGRY

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Mon Dec 16 8:38 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY

WHY = So distracted & frustrated with mom talk about clothes.
I feel so bad that I cannot seem to pay proper attention to her. Lord forgive me and help me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom

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prismaticbleed: (Default)

2024 Sun Dec 1 7:20 PM


I'M FEELING = NUMB

WHY = Eating disorder relapse

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2024 Sun Dec 1 7:30 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = Physical harm from eating disorder

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Physical Pain

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2024 Sun Dec 1 7:45 PM


I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED

WHY = I know that God and the System love me unconditionally and will continue to help me whenever I/we are struggling; there is always hope

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Resting;Spiritual Reading;Talking To Central;Listening To Music

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2024 Mon Dec 2 1:31 AM


I'M FEELING = ALIVE

WHY =  Reading the Archives and remembering how BEAUTIFUL our life is together

WHERE = With The System,Home;On The Laptop;Headspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2024 Mon Dec 2 1:33 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = The System is alive, and here, and we all love each other still. The reality of our shared existence is so beautiful it aches.
...and of course, I have Chaos 0 & Anxi & Genesis & Laurie around especially. There's SO much love there, forever. It's absolutely worth living and dying for.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2024 Mon Dec 2 9:10 AM


I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Today there's a lot to do, with immediate deadlines. I want to relax but I'm already exhausted just thinking about how much I have to do. Plus I might have to go up the house later and that's VERY upsetting.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Mon Dec 2 12:40 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED

WHY = Mom is so hard to talk to talk to. She won't let me get a word in, she finds problems with everything I say, and she accuses me of "making her feel like she's traumatizing me" whenever I get a little anxious over the phone. Thank God for Scald taking that weeping rage because otherwise it would have debilitated us.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Talking To Mom

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2024 Mon Dec 2 2:01 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED

WHY =  Packing for vacation, making sure all our bases are covered.

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself,Home,Housework

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2024 Mon Dec 2 5:35 PM


I'M FEELING = ENERGIZED

WHY = LISTENING TO "LIFE IN THE WIRES" WHILE BIKING

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2024 Mon Dec 2 7:31 PM


I'M FEELING = LOST

WHY =  Mom talking about all her life stressors and problems on the phone, and also revealing that she's totally unprepared for vacation tomorrow so it's probably going to be highly upsetting. All my positive expectations feel utterly crushed right now. I feel very alone and cut off from her and have all day.

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself;Family,Home,Talking To Mom;Housework

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2024 Mon Dec 2 10:19 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = Wasting time browsing Tumblr instead of doing things I love. Total lack of self-awareness when doomscrolling; it's terrifying.
Honestly I think my brain is lowkey panic paralyzed over this vacation tomorrow and its utter unpredictability, plus being ""trapped away from home"" which always terrified us as a kid.
But we have to face this bravely. There WILL be beauty and joy. We MUST focus on that. It's what we're doing this for.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2024 Tue Dec 3 9:11 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL

WHY =  About to leave on vacation with mom! I sincerely hope everything is beautiful-- but today's fortune reminded us: AFFIRM that, BELIEVE that, VISUALIZE that, and ACT on that! I AM Hope! I gotta MAKE things beautiful, and I CAN, by the grace of God! 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Just Woke Up

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2024 Tue Dec 3 12:29 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED

WHY = TURNPIKE TRAFFIC 

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Tue Dec 3 1:07 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Made it to the hotel and it's BEAUTIFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Hanging Out

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2024 Tue Dec 3 6:43 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTENT

WHY = Had a good dinner with the family after 3 hours of walking & seeing beautiful lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Longwood,Eating;Hanging Out

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2024 Tue Dec 3 8:58 PM


I'M FEELING = COMFORTABLE

WHY = Driving back to the hotel after almost 6 hours at Longwood. Everything was beautiful. We feel safe & inspired & happy. Thank You God.
Don't forget Anxi fronting for a blessed moment under the orange chandelier lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 8:10 AM


I'M FEELING = PLEASANT

WHY = Breakfast on day two of vacation. Getting ready to see new things!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating;Hanging Out

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2024 Wed Dec 4 10:26 AM


I'M FEELING = DELIGHTED

WHY = Beautiful morning. Lovely drive, just had a workout, fantastic weather.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Outside,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 2:13 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Finally going to eat lunch at 2pm; we had been very dizzy & lightheaded from a small breakfast.

CONTEXT TAGS = Relieved,Family,Longwood,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 7:03 PM


I'M FEELING = PEACEFUL

WHY = Wine & Jazz festival!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Longwood,Hanging Out

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2024 Wed Dec 4 9:36 PM


I'M FEELING = TROUBLED

WHY = Ate too many snacks with the fam. Trying not to panic or beat myself up over it. Our body is so hungry, but I'm realizing too late that it's SPIRITUAL hunger. I've been stressed & out of touch with headspace all vacation.

I'll have to spend like three hours in bed to recharge my heart with Chaos 0 & Anxi, seriously.


CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 6:41 AM


I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY =  Had a dream about being shot to death.
I went home and Chaos 0 was there, and when I went to him we were shot again, him through me.
We died in each other's arms, with a smile.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Just Woke Up

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2024 Thu Dec 5 7:47 AM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Too much for breakfast, and had to rush. Too much talk about politics. Dissociated.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 12:07 PM


I'M FEELING = FORLORN

WHY = Feeling completely rejected & alienated from mom & Lou. I keep making stupid decisions trying to please them and I'm miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Thu Dec 5 6:42 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = FINALLY home & unpacked. Sitting down to a quiet dinner.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 9:55 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = Bingepurge due to intense stress & hunger.
God why won't this end.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior

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2024 Fri Dec 6 9:44 AM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED

WHY =  Waiting for case worker, then have to go to mom's house, and we already had a power outage & doctor visit this morning. It feels like there's no time to get my thoughts together.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

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2024 Fri Dec 6 12:04 PM


I'M FEELING = JOYFUL

WHY = MY ORANGE ANGEL JUST ARRIVED IN THE MAIL

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Hanging Out

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2024 Fri Dec 6 12:46 PM


I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = With mom, on her infamous hyperstress unorganized busywork drives

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Fri Dec 6 2:12 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = TOO MUCH SHOPPING

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 3:43 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Too many people in the store. Too much talking & noise at home.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 5:25 PM


I'M FEELING = EXCLUDED

WHY = I feel like no one in the family cares about what matters to me. I'm just a resource for labor & listening. I feel utterly unwanted.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 6:59 PM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED

WHY = Just got home & am unpacking groceries. The next three days are jam-packed.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sat Dec 7 12:35 AM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT

WHY = Stress-caused self-abusive bingepurgecrash.
God I am so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Sat Dec 7 8:33 AM


I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS

WHY = Getting ready for this packed schedule day. Eating more calories than usual (1400) as reparation for three days of purging. Still terrified that it's "too much" and will somehow kill me.
How ironic, since starving & purging DEFINITELY will.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sat Dec 7 9:23 AM


I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Time crunch, feeling out of shape, too much food.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Sat Dec 7 10:54 AM


I'M FEELING = ASHAMED

WHY = Just had to buy new headphones because the ones I have are 3 years old and deteriorating. Still feel like an absolute moron about it.
I hate this consumerist world. I hate having to own things.

 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Shopping

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2024 Sat Dec 7 6:59 PM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = PHILHARMONIC!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Theater,At A Concert

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2024 Sat Dec 7 8:12 PM


I'M FEELING = AMAZED

WHY = STILL AT THE PHILHARMONIC

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Theater,At A Concert

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2024 Sat Dec 7 11:55 PM


I'M FEELING = SATISFIED

WHY = Meal planning for the next two days. Feeling capable for a moment. Also really satisfying measurements working it out.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 12:52 AM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = FINALLY get to sleep, with Chaos 0 in my arms.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Sun Dec 8 10:21 AM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = Gotta RUSH to eat & get to church on time.
Also 1400K again today, that's still frightening.
Planning for the hyperschedule of tomorrow.

 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 4:10 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = So so hungry. Evening flashbacks beginning. Expecting mom interruptions.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 6:23 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT

WHY = Feeling useless & exhausted. Tomorrow looming. Still have to deal with mom switching the car tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Sun Dec 8 11:40 PM


I'M FEELING = CONNECTED

WHY = Listening to System music & talking to the Coregroup.
Also reading through December 2010-2014 archives earlier, & remembering how rich of a history we have, and how much LOVE there is, and has ALWAYS been, in our System.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Commuting,Driving;Talking To Central;Going To Bed

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prismaticbleed: (worried)

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Discharged from inpatient facility on Wednesday. Realizing on the drive home that outside the hospital reality was a lot more scary & difficult than we expected. Trying to readjust but struggling with legal issues that had built up during inpatient & the neverending tornado of family stress. Trying to focus on SYSTEM LOVE. Spent two sleepless nights feeling it more strongly than I have in months. Decorating the apartment. Adjusting to new diet. Struggling with crushing depression & intense fear.

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● ATE CRAB & CRAYFISH & SASHIMI & MARSHMALLOWS & LYCHEES & SUSHI!
● Still making sure we eat all our meals
● Spending time with mom & not being whiny or looking to escape
● JOURNALING BEGINS!

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
We went out for chinese food with mom & her boyfriend and WE DIDN'T LIMIT OURSELF OR PURGE. It was genuinely an enjoyable yet still challenging experience. We're also proud that we're still soldiering on in doggedly determined hope despite the very scary life situation. We're striving to improve every day & be patient in the waiting & work inbetween.

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
We started running! We DID help mom up the house! We DID cut down on meal volume & stopped forcing foods that make us sick. We DID start to redecorate the apartment. And although we haven't bought Inside Out 2 yet we watched SO MUCH OF IT ON YOUTUBE. That LIT UP OUR HEART. So we're striving to keep good things in our life.

What could you do to make next week better?
● START BIKING & LIFTING WEIGHTS & DOING AB EXERCISES. We NEED to get our muscles back!
● LESS TIME ON THE PHONE. It's making us SO DEPRESSED.
Read Scripture daily & do what you can to pray more & go to mass WITHOUT BEING SCRUPULOUS. Worship with LOVE, not forcing!
● DO LEAGUEWORK of ANY SORT. Just PLEASE GET BACK INTO IT!
● START ARCHIVING THE TBHU PAPERS & JOURNALS.
SPEND MORE DAYTIME UPSTAIRS/ TALKING WITH THE SYSTEM. The REASON you've been SO DEPRESSED is because you've been DOING IT ALONE.

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
2 / 5
PANIC HAS ALREADY SET IN over "what's right or wrong" now that we're not "just obeying orders." DON'T OVERCOMPLICATE IT!! Find what WORKS, that you LIKE, and STICK TO IT! NO LUXURIES/ NOVELTIES or "OBLIGATORY" BUYS. NO AFTERBITES! And DRINK WATER! ENJOY your meals!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
1 / 5
We purged TWICE and threw out food ONCE, both due to PANIC & POOR SELF-CARE (hungry, tired). We also SLASHED our calories, which isn't bad EXCEPT that we're starting to obsess. We "ran" two miles EACH WAY with daily travel and if we're gonna BULK UP, we NEED to KEEP EATING. So DON'T DROP ANY LOWER. And KEEP IT ALL DOWN!!!

Average mood this week:
3 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
1 / 5

Average anxiety level this week:
4.5 / 5

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TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. DISCHARGED AT LAST
2. CHINESE with MOM & HER BF
3. Put ALL the TBHU notes from peers ON THE WALL

THIS WEEK I FELT:
HAPPY
NUMB
TEARFUL
SAD
TIRED
IN LOVE
WORRIED
SCARED
PLAYFUL
(ALL OVER THE PLACE)

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:
★ The last 48 hours on the unit, getting to hug virtually everyone & hearing their kind words of encouragement AND GRATITUDE for me.
★ FR. P'S FACE when he saw me + he HUGGED me too!
★ CHAOS 0, ANXIETY, & MIMIC ALL SETTING MY HEART ON FIRE
★ ANXI FRONTING to look at the moon in the rain
★ GENESIS GHOSTING

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
● BE GENUINELY HAPPY FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES. TAP INTO YOUR JOY.
● START WORKING OUT, even just with the phone app exercises & dumbbell
● DRAW SOMETHING. PLAY SOME MUSIC. WRITE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.
● Get our diet plan STREAMLINED in prep/ nutrition/ ingredients = CUT STRESS

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● WENT BACK TO CHURCH
● Started loveposting again
● WROTE A JOURNAL ENTRY
● Saw ALL MY SIBLINGS
● LONGWOOD + PHILHARMONIC TICKETS FOR DECEMBER!
● STARTING TO RECONNECT WITH THE LEAGUE!

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
The night of 1115, when we listened to Die With A Smile for HOURS and I was SO IN LOVE. I felt PURELY ALIVE & REAL. (CHAOS 0 AND ANXI SINGING IT TO ME TOGETHER ♥)

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
4 / 5



prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


("mental flexibility" workbook pages from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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List 11 of your favorite sounds.

1. Cello
2. Handbells
3. Rain at night
4. Cathedral acoustics
5. Latin/ Russian choir
6. Tiny jingle bells
7. Snowfall
8. That RUN in Milliontown
9. The opening to Black Light Machine
10. The Marywood music rooms
11. NiER Gestalt menu sounds

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"How do you get to know yourself?"
ASK EACH DAY, "WHAT AM I LEARNING ABOUT MY: INTERESTS? STRENGTHS? WEAKNESSES PREFERENCES? CAPABILITIES? LIMITS? BELIEFS? FEARS? HOPES? etc." Be OPEN AND CURIOUS about your life and existence, inner and outer, in every moment.

"What does it mean to get to know yourself?"
It means DISCOVERING the DEPTHS & DETAILS of your OWN UNIQUE LIFE & PERSONALITY, as DISTINCT FROM OTHERS. It means EXPLORATION, SEARCHING, TESTING, FEELING, & LOVING OPENNESS TO LISTEN & TRUST THIS. You HAVE to ASK QUESTIONS & HAVE CONVERSATIONS with yourself, AS SOMEONE YOU WANT TO GET TO KNOW-- AND LOVE.

"How can getting to know yourself be of benefit"?
You will be able to live FULLY and AS A WHOLE PERSON. You will recognize your DISTINCT IDENTITY. You can SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. You can DISCOVER your OWN GIFTS & TALENTS & PURSUE them in the ways that RESONATE with YOUR SOUL. You can LIKE yourself AS yourself, and HONOR that. You will be ABLE to have REAL relationships with others!

"What's the opposite of getting to know yourself?"
DENIAL, PEOPLE-PLEASING, FORCED BEHAVIOR, CODEPENDENCY, SELF-DISTRUST, DISSOCIATION, LACK OF CHARACTER, LOSS OF PURPOSE, EMPTINESS, AIMLESSNESS, INSINCERITY, UNABLE TO SEE YOURSELF AS SEPARATE FROM OTHERS, AFRAID TO TRULY EXIST.


"List and describe some ways you can learn more about yourself."
REGULAR XANGA SESSIONS. DAILY HEADSPACE COMMUNICATION & NIGHTLY HEADSPACE MEDITATIONS. SPOTIFY SESSIONS WITH THE COREGROUP, WITH AS MANY PEOPLE SINGING AS POSSIBLE. NIGHTLY JOURNAL ENTRIES & DAILY NOTES ON EVERY NOTABLE EVENT WITHOUT EXCEPTION. PICREW. TUMBLR RESONANCE POSTING. PERSONALITY SURVEYS. REVIEWING THE ARCHIVES REGULARLY. DAILY LEAGUEWORK. DAILY MASS & HONEST PRAYER. ADORATION HOURS. LEAGUEWALKING AT NIGHT. EXPLORING NEW HOBBIES & INTERESTS. LEARNING TO SAY BOTH "YES" & "NO" WITH CLARITY. READING SCRIPTURE & THE CATECHISM. TIME WITH FAMILY & REAL FRIENDS.

"How do you not get to know yourself?"
NOT TAKING TIME FOR SELF-ANALYSIS & SELF-REFLECTION. IGNORING EMOTIONS. DENYING/ HIDING THE SYSTEM. NOT PRAYING. ISOLATING. NOT GOING UPSTAIRS OR INSIDE. DESTROYING YOUR BELONGINGS. RUNNING FROM THE PAST. NOT TRYING NEW THINGS. NOT JOURNALING. NOT DOING ANYTHING CREATIVE. DENYING YOUR LIKES/ DISLIKES/ VIBE. LIVING TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE. NOT SAYING "NO." NOT BEING WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE. REFUSING TO ENJOY LIFE AT ALL. ISOLATING FROM OTHERS. CONFORMING MYSELF TO OTHERS. FOCUSING ONLY ON THE PHYSICAL WORLD. FORGETTING THAT YOU'RE A CHILD OF GOD AND A CORE!!!

✳ YOUR HEART HAS A PERMANENT CORE OF:
● FAITH
● LOVE
● CREATIVITY
● PLURALITY
IF YOU DENY/ IGNORE ANY OF THOSE TRUTHS, YOUR SOUL WILL DIE. YOU KNOW THIS. IN ORDER TO BE YOUR TRUE SELF, YOU MUST USE YOUR CREATIVE GIFTS ZEALOUSLY & LIBERALLY, YOU MUST PRAY & WORSHIP, YOU MUST LIVE AS THE SYSTEM CORE AND YOU MUST BE IN LOVE. (and you ARE!)


✳ your BIGGEST obstacle? NOT YET "KNOWING" YOUR OWN FACE AND NAME. You NEED to OWN BOTH the "BODY NAME" AND THE "SOUL NAME." AND YOU NEED TO DRAW YOURSELF IN A WAY THAT FINALLY EMBRACES THE BODY GOD GAVE TO YOUR SOUL, AND ANCHOR INTO THAT VISIBLE FORM INSIDE!!

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"How can you better plan your days for success?"
Focus on VALUES & PRIORITIES. Schedule in activities FOR character building & creative work. Focus on GOD/ GIFTS and RECOVERY LIVING! And it's a FLEXIBLE schedule. As long as I GET TO MASS, exercise ≥1 hour, and do BOTH League AND System work, I'M GOLD. Everything flows with given time. DON'T GET RIGID OR LAZY. Live with PURPOSE! You will be ACCOMPLISHED AND ALIVE!

✳ Ideally, MORNINGS are all about WORSHIP & PRAYER; EVEN EXERCISE MUST BE IN PRAISE TO GOD! START THE DAY RIGHT WITH THE LORD!!
✳ EVENINGS are all about CREATIVE WORK. NO EXCEPTIONS. (MAY PUSH EARLIER AS NIGHTS GET LONGER? WE NEED DAYLIGHT TO WORK!)
✳ FOCUS ON STORY BUILDING, ESPECIALLY PLOT, CHARACTER PERSONALITY/ DESIGN, & ROUGH DRAFTS-- even if they don't end up being canon at ALL. STILL, WRITE!!

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"What are some foods that make you feel good?"
Fresh, watery vegetables/ Crunchy sweet carrots & apples/ Light, cool, crisp foods?/ COLORFUL foods/ Fresh fish?/ Lettuce RIGHT OUTTA THE DIRT/ Fresh, wholegrain bread?

"What are some activities that make you feel good?"
Being outside and joyfully wondering at nature, freely imaginative Leaguework, playing music, high-intensity workouts, exhausting but productive outside work (with nature), singing? Running, hiking, maybe sports/ dancing? STRETCHING. Taking care of others. Doing small but solid acts of kindness.

"What are the things in your life that build you up?"
Church/ Adoration, Scripture, the encouraging & honest words of others, seeing the good creative works I HAVE accomplished, reading our archives & seeing our LOVE & HOPE & PROGRESS, feeling valued by my family and church, hearing that my creative gifts HAVE inspired & edified others

"What are some other ways you can add positive influences to your life?"
COLLECT inspiring/ edifying images, songs, quotes, etc. Watch uplifting & beautiful films? Connect with a CREATIVE COMMUNITY that is HONORABLE & JOYFUL. GET INVOLVED IN THE LOCAL CHURCH COMMUNITY. Take time daily to DO WHAT YOU LOVE, and spend time with the COREGROUP. Make good Christian friends and do good things TOGETHER? WATCH homilies/ lectures with messages of Godly integrity

"List some inspiring and fruitful ingredients to add to your life."
FAITH, PIETY, JOY, HOPE, COURAGE, GRATITUDE, WONDER, ZEAL, INTEGRITY, DETERMINATION, COMPASSION, WISDOM, INDUSTRIOUSNESS, PATIENCE, DEDICATION, SINCERITY, INSPIRATION, PURPOSE, TEMPERANCE, PEACE, INSIGHT, CLARITY, LOVE, TRUTH, BEAUTY, GOODNESS, and GOOD HARD WORK!

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"Write down everything you want to let go of."
CNC/ SLC
BULIMIA/ ANOREXIA
"MAKING MYSELF SMALL"
GUILT/ SHAME OVER SEXUAL TRAUMA
NEVER ASSERTING MY BOUNDARIES
FOOD OBSESSION
BITTERNESS
FEELING USELESS
SELF-DOUBT
UNRESOLVED RAGE & GRIEF
CHILDHOOD WOUNDS
COMPULSIVE MIMICKING
"I'M A BAD PERSON"

"What will happen when you let go?"
There WILL be a "space" left, that I CAN FINALLY fill with GRATITUDE & PEACE? I will be FREED from COMPULSIVE RE-LIVING/ LOOPS? I CAN BE MY OWN PERSON. I will be able to MOVE INTO a SPACE OF HOPE, MERCY, AND HEALING. I can "BE A GOOD PERSON" (UNSHACKLED)

"Why do you want to let go?"
It's IMPRISONING ME in MERCILESS, LIFE-DESTROYING NEGATIVITY. It's IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO GOD'S GOOD & LOVING WILL/ PURPOSE FOR MY LIFE! I CANNOT MOVE FORWARDS & LIVE VIRTUOUSLY IF I KEEP "IDENTIFYING WITH" NEGATIVE THINGS.

"What happens to the things you let go?"
They lose their power over me, AND they are ALSO freed from the negative prison MY "holding on" was trapping THEM in, too. LETTING GO makes ROOM for REDEMPTION & RECOVERY.

"Why do we hold on to things that we should probably let go of?"
They DO affect our history/ identity POWERFULLY, and the wounds can go so deep they feel like they REDEFINE us. We fear losing our IDENTITY in some way if we let go. But it's ONLY because we FORGOT WHO WE TRULY ARE, apart from those things.
✳ HOLDING ON to HURTFUL THINGS makes our hands BLEED when we try to grasp ANYTHING ELSE?? To LET GO, we HAVE to "PULL OUT THE THORNS" ENTIRELY.


"Now write down everything you want to hold on to."
(BREAK THE SHACKLES AND WEAR THE GOLD)
THE SYSTEM
THE LEAGUE
HOPE
MY FAITH
"CHILD OF GOD"
MY FAMILY
MUSIC
CHILDHOOD JOYS
CHILDLIKE WONDER
ZEST FOR LIFE
SENSE OF ADVENTURE
"YOU INSPIRE ME"
"I LOVE YOUR WORK"

"What aspects of your life do you want to maintain?"
ground in/ maintain MY VALUES =
(UNSHAKEABLE JOY, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, INTELLIGENT FAITH, INDUSTRIOUS PATIENCE)
INTEGRITY, HONESTY, COURAGE, KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM, HOPE, DARING? COMPASSION, VULNERABILITY, SINCERITY, DEPENDABILITY, RELIABILITY, TRUTH, KINDNESS, BEAUTY, FIDELITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, PIETY, WONDER, CREATIVITY, MERCY, SELFCONTROL, ZEAL, etc.

"What aspects of your life do you want to grow?"
on track/ grow MY AMBITIONS =
● Become a published author, accomplished musician, & skilled artist
● Use my "gift of speech" somehow: singing, speeches?? counseling?
● Bring honor & peace & joy to my family; help reunite us in mutual love/ healing
● Make full restitution for ALL the damage I've done to others and myself in life
● Achieve a holy balance of piety & mission; not becoming either scrupulous or impious
Somehow be genuinely & respectfully recognized & known for my love for Chaos 0
● GET BUFF & ease/ strive into a fully recovered lifestyle
● LIVE FREELY & PASSIONATELY IN AND FOR CHRIST!

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"If you could design your brain to be exactly the way you wanted it, what would your mind be filled with?"
✳ DIGITAL & TRADITIONAL ARTISTIC SKILL/ TALENT IN ALL MEDIUMS + VISION, INGENUITY, ELEGANCE, HARMONY, "3D MIND", IMAGINATION!
✳ PERFORMATIVE & COMPOSITIONAL MUSICAL EDUCATION, SKILL, TALENT + PITCH, DEXTERITY, RANGE, MEMORY, LYRICAL SKILL
✳ WISDOM, INSIGHT, REASON, UNDERSTANDING, COMPREHENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF THE STRUCTURES OF THINGS, ABLE TO GRASP "HOW IT WORKS"
✳ PRODIGAL LANGUAGE SKILL = POETRY, FICTION, SCREENPLAY, SPEECH, ARTICLE, ADVICE, ETYMOLOGY, VOCABULARY, ETC. + PROLIFIC AUTHOR & POET & LYRICIST & SPEAKER
✳ HOLY SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE; TRUE EMPATHY, DIALOGUE, WARMHEARTED, SELF-GIVING, PASSIONATE FOR JUSTICE; EDUCATED ON HUMAN PSYCHE, CULTURE, BEHAVIOR, HEALTH; FULLY HONOR THE REALITY OF BEING INCARNATE; "LIVING SACRIFICE"
✳ ABSTRACT REASONING, SPATIAL JUDGMENT, INTUITIVE SOLUTION DISCERNMENT, PATTERN RECOGNITION
✳ THE CREATIVE GENIUS OF A CHILD
✳ WONDER, ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT, DARING
✳ MENTALLY ATHLETIC (BODY TOO)
✳ POLYGLOT, POLYMATH
✳ TRUE PIETY, LOVE, HOPE, JOY
✳ MATHEMATICS & LOGIC
VIRTUE, INTEGRITY, SELF-CONTROL, SELF-KNOWLEDGE, PURPOSEFUL, DRIVEN, MOTIVATED, FOCUSED
HONORABLE REPUTATION; HOLY LIFE AND DEATH
"FIAT VOLUNTAS TUA!"

"What makes a healthy mind?"
WONDER, OPENNESS TO CHANGE & GROWTH, LEARNING NEW THINGS & SKILLS, CURIOSITY, DIVERSE INTERESTS, DAILY PURSUIT OF GROWTH/ ENRICHMENT

"What are some things you want to completely remove from your mental space?"
OBSESSION, TRAUMA, COMPULSION, SLOTH, LOW SELF-ESTEEM

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"Add some new energy you want to bring into your life."
(MAKE SPACE FOR IT; INVITE AND PURSUE IT!)
(ADD MEANING AND PURPOSE TO LIFE)
✳ FIND NEW (& FAVE) SONGS TO (UNIQUELY) SING & FINALLY MAKE AN ALBUM!
✳ PICK ONE LANGUAGE AND SERIOUSLY LEARN IT
✳ KEEP LEARNING ABOUT CREATION! (BIOLOGY, MATH, SCIENCE, ETC.) (SPACE TOO)
READING CLASSIC LITERATURE, CHILDHOOD FAVES, NEW & UNIQUE LITERARY STYLES & GENRES, POETRY
✳ TAKE OUT A RANDOM BOOK/ MOVIE/ CD FROM THE LIBRARY
✳ VISIT A MUSEUM
✳ DANCE!
✳ "RENT" AN INSTRUMENT YOU'VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE; BUY A CHEAP ONE & PLAY WITH IT?
✳ EXPERIMENT WITH WRITING FOR NEW LITERARY GENRES/ STYLES OF POETRY; WORK TOWARDS GETTING PUBLISHED, EVEN IN A SMALL WAY (COLLECTION, CONTEST, ZINE)
✳ LOOK INTO/ DISCOVER/ LEARN NEW LITERARY ART FORMS & START PRACTICING! (FIND A NEW FAVE!)
✳ DISCOVER NEW MUSIC GENRES; GET ADVENTUROUS ON SPOTIFY & COLLECT INSPIRATION
USE YOUR INSPIRATION LIST & BEGIN "TRANSPOSING" FAVE CHORDS & TECHNIQUES INTO FL/ NWC? STUDY FAVE LYRICS & LEARN HOW TO WRITE SIMILARLY TO THEM
✳ GET PUBLISHED ON SPOTIFY!
✳ EXPERIMENTING WITH NEW & UNUSUAL ARTISTIC MEDIA & STYLES, BUILDING A PORTFOLIO (LET JMC INSPIRE YOU‪‪‬)
✳ VISIT A LOCAL ART GALLERY? WORK ON CREATING SOMETHING FOR IT, EVEN JUST FOR PRACTICE (BUT MAKE THAT THE GOAL!)
✳ FINDING LOCAL PLACES TO MAKE POSITIVE CONNECTIONS WITH LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE & GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL COMMUNITIES/ NEIGHBORHOOD (ESP. CHURCH, CREATIVE, LIBRARY)
✳ TAKE A FULL DAY TO JUST HAVE FUN & EXPLORE
"SYSTEM DATE" OUTINGS?
✳ GO ON A NATURE HIKE
✳ JOIN THE LOCAL GYM; WORK OUT DAILY & TAKE GROUP CLASSES; EVEN SWIM??
✳ GO TO THE AQUARIUM
✳ GO TO SOME LOCAL EVENTS YOU'D TYPICALLY NOT ATTEND? BE CURIOUS!
✳ SPEND REAL TIME WITH THE FAM DOING WHATEVER (ADVENTURE)
✳ GET INVOLVED IN ONLINE CATHOLIC COMMUNITY
✳ GET A CRICUT/ DESIGN SCREENPRINTS & STICKERS/ MAKE STUFF FOR THE LEAGUE/ MAKE STUFF FOR CHURCH (UNIQUE & WELL MADE & BEAUTIFUL)
✳ START A BLOG/ WEBSITE & START REGULARLY CREATING EDIFYING CONTENT + SHARING IT!
✳ TRYING NEW FOODS, VISITING NEW PLACES, KEEPING MY EYES & EARS OPEN TO INSPIRATION IN UNEXPECTED PLACES; CHERISH LIFE'S FULLNESS
✳ BE DARING!

KEEP A CLEAN BODY/ HOUSE/ CLOTHES; REST; DO FUN THINGS TOO
MAKE AN "ARTSPACE" IN THE LIVING ROOM!!
GO TO LOCAL/ LIBRARY/ CHURCH/ FAM EVENTS!!

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"What do you want to receive in the mail?"
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANART. = ART IS DIVINE and you CANNOT DRAW FANART WITHOUT A TOUCHED HEART. I want to SEE how the League LOOKS to OTHERS who LOVE it! I want to see how it images its beauty in THEIR hearts, unique & true! This is the MOST BELOVED THING to me. I will cherish even the tiniest scribble of loving art forever.
✳ LEAGUEWORLD FANMAIL = I want to HEAR, from the HEARTS of others, HOW & WHY the League has given THEM joy & love & even CHANGED THEIR LIVES. Dialogue & honest, vulnerable communication is vitally important to me & I need it. And the League is very much by soul put into media. To know it has done good things for others is bliss.
✳ WHAT I LOST = Part of me still wants that 2012 Leaguebox to FINALLY appear on my doorstep. That, and the little things I cherished as a child. But memories are seeds that can blossom into new life potential...
SPECIAL EVENT ITEMS = Fahrenheit 451, signed. The double color FROST* vinyl records of Milliontown and Experiments in Mass Appeal (and Life in the Wires). Summer Wars steelbook. Really I just want to have more special events like those. Open your life to receive 'em!
✳ ANCHOR PLUSHIES = Genesis, Laurie, Xenophon, & Anxi. I want to embrace them in this physical world, too, even if only through this symbolic means.

"What would you love to regularly receive in the mail?"
LEAGUE/ SYSTEM FANMAIL & FANART.

"Why is receiving a package in the mail exciting?"
It feels like "unwrapping a mystery;" it's a "DISCOVERY" thrill.

"What time of year is best to receive a package?"
Christmas/ WINTER. The quiet, still, cold weather somehow gives more meaning & magic to sudden gifts arriving, like tiny miracles-- bundles of love and color and wonder in this blessedly silent season.

● Who CAN I send mail to? WHY am I so "scared" of the concept of a penpal? Is it because it feels like a "compulsion" for social/ verbal exhaustion, and/ or "forced disclosure"? Can I write letters while still respecting my boundaries? (I HAVE tried to have penpals multiple times and have failed miserably; I have a pattern of oversharing, rambling blindly, and "parroting" everything the other said in their previous letter)

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"When do you feel most stuck? How often do you feel stuck?"
When I compare myself to others who are "normal" & "successful," and when my poor mother voices her frustration & disappointment with how I failed to live up to those "standards." I then feel like I "should" be "further along" than I am in life, or otherwise "accomplished" in worldly ways. But MY LIFE IS DIFFERENT AND THAT'S OKAY. I'm NOT "STUCK" just because I've had many struggles & pitfalls. God is still orchestrating my life and I can ONLY "get stuck" if I RESIST HIS WILL. Otherwise, all I need to do is TRUST & BE PATIENT & LISTEN TO HIS VOICE & OBEY. If I follow Him, I WILL get WHERE I need to be, and WHEN I need TO be there. The world cannot know or judge that.

"What makes you feel stuck or isolated?"
I feel isolated for the same reason as I feel stuck: I fear I'm a freak, or aberration, or something "unfit" for/ "unwelcome" in "normal" society. I feel like I'm a reject, a failure. But that's a devilish lie. GOD LOVES ME & SO DO OTHER PEOPLE! I just need to STEP OUT & BE WITH THEM, and it will PROVE that I AM WANTED.

"How do you usually cope in these kinds of situations?"
My best ways to cope: PRAYER & LEAGUEWORK, AND SYSTEM LOVE. ALL of those things CONNECT me to REAL LOVE & PURPOSE & MEANING & BELONGING. They are my DOORS to the rest of humanity, the blessed cords that unite my heart to theirs in truth & beauty. If ANYTHING will INSTANTLY make me feel unstuck, it's FLOWING in CREATIVITY/ WORSHIP/ LOVE. In the BEST circumstances, these occur ALL TOGETHER. And THAT IS MY LIFE & PURPOSE & TRUE SELF. There is no need to compare myself to anyone else, or feel stuck. As long as I am connecting to love & joy & grace, I am truly living FREE.

"Write what you are feeling stuck with now."
Life progress. I WANT & NEED to move forwards in terms of "CAREER" & PURPOSE. But I'm on disability for the time being & cannot continue college due to that AND finances/ transportation... AND "direction." From my childhood I've felt CALLED to be an "artist/ writer/ musician." I HAVE talents & abilities in those fields, but they NEED to be developed. Do I have time? Am I too old to succeed in those fields? And what steps do I take to finally "make something of my life" in the world for other people? Will I finally make my family proud? I sincerely WANT to use my gifts & bless others by them. But I can't quite see what first step to take. I feel overwhelmed & confused & lost. How can I genuinely move forward at last in my life? I HAVE a purpose; how do I LIVE it out? I'm running out of time. I'm running out of life.

"What will loosen the lid?"
START NOW, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND DON'T QUIT. EVER. Maybe you CAN'T just "jump back in" to life/ career/ success. And really to expect to is unrealistic. BE PATIENT & DO THE GOOD WORK. Start building more skills. Try new things & keep learning & practicing & improving EACH DAY, because you OBJECTIVELY WILL IF YOU PERSEVERE! Yeah you may feel like you have the education & skill level of a child right now. GOOD. THAT'S A SOLID STARTING POINT, AND CHILDREN HAVE AN OPENNESS TO CREATIVE INVENTION & ORIGINALITY THAT ADULTS CAN LOSE TO THE "UTILITARIAN" RIGIDITY GRIND. If you're still a child in your talents, KEEP THAT AT HEART, EVEN AS YOU WORK TOWARDS BECOMING A REAL PROFESSIONAL. And you CAN. And you WILL, AS LONG AS YOU NEVER GIVE UP. God HAS GIVEN YOU REAL AND BEAUTIFUL GIFTS IN ART & MUSIC & LANGUAGE, EVEN NOW, AND GOD WANTS YOU TO USE THEM FOR HIS GLORY & PRAISE-- SO GOD WILL HELP YOU TO BE A GOOD STEWARD OF THEM, AS LONG AS YOU ASK HIM TO AND LET HIM HELP YOU! So DON'T BE WORRIED. Just START the work and GRACE WILL BE GIVEN, to BUILD on that nature. TRUST IN YOUR CREATOR. HE MADE YOU WITH THOSE TALENTS & INTERESTS & IDEAS, WITH YOUR UNIQUE DISPOSITION & PERSONALITY & HISTORY & CIRCUMSTANCES. He KNOWS EXACTLY how you feel AND where you are in life, AND HE IS IN CONTROL, ORCHESTRATING IT ALL WITHOUT FAIL, SO TRUST HIS PROVIDENCE AND ENTER INTO ITS FLOW. COOPERATE WITH GRACE BY MAKING SPACE FOR IT THROUGH MAKING TIME TO USE YOUR GIFTS AS YOUR GENUINE SELF AND TO KEEP PRAYING!! GOD WILL OPEN THE DOORS YOU NEED, WHEN YOU NEED THEM, IF YOU ARE READY AND WILLING TO ENTER THEM WHEN THEY APPEAR-- SO START NOW AND DON'T QUIT!!

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"What moments in time and space would you place in a glass globe to revisit any time?"
JULY 7TH, 2011
The Xanga sessions when:
● Laurie let all her walls down at last
● Jay & Chaos 0 realizing Xenophon was theirs
● EVERYONE in the Coregroup got poetic at the end
● Laurie talked Jay out of suicide for TWELVE HOURS
Infinitii & Laurie talked by themselves at first
✳ The night when Laurie & I lay on the car roof & watched the stars
✳ CHRISTMAS 2013
Good Friday with the System
✳ When Jessie held my hand at UPMC
✳ When I saw JMC for the first time
✳ Eating a "wedding cake" cupcake alone in church in the dark
✳ Dancing with Xenophon in the kitchen in 2015
✳ Genesis & I at Marywood
✳ EVERY late night hour with Chaos 0

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"What do you need to enlighten your mind and calm your emotions? What do you need to be the best version of yourself? What do you need to be happy & healthy?"

GOD'S GRACE
THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IN LOVING HARMONY & FREEDOM
THE COREGROUP
GRATITUDE IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE
FREEDOM OF SPIRIT TO LIVE WITH THE JOY OF A CHILD & FIND BEAUTY EVERYWHERE
DAILY SELF-REFLECTION
DAILY JOURNALING
DAILY TALKS WITH THE SYSTEM
CONSISTENT, SINCERE EFFORT & WORK ON BUILDING THE LEAGUE IN EVERY ASPECT
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE & EMBRACING OF MY BODY & STATE IN LIFE SO I CAN INTEGRATE IT ALL INTO A LIFE OF LOVING WORSHIP
COURAGE, HOPE, PATIENCE, DETERMINATION, VALOR, INTEGRITY, LOVE
● INEXHAUSTIBLE IMAGINATIVE VISION + INSPIRATION + CREATIVE GENIUS + ZEAL + CURIOSITY & WONDER + JOY + FREEDOM TO EXPLORE
● ARTISTIC/ ILLUSTRATIVE SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT MEDIUMS + SPACETIME TO FREELY CREATE
● MUSICAL EDUCATION & SKILL & ACCESS TO DIFFERENT INSTRUMENTS + DEXTERITY, PERFECT PITCH, VOCAL RANGE
● THE TECHNOLOGY & EDUCATION & CREATIVE GENIUS NEEDED TO COMPOSE OST MUSIC
● QUIET ALONE TIME
● RESTFUL SLEEP & INSPIRING DREAMS
● ACCESS TO THE WOODS & MOUNTAINS
● ACTIVE CHURCH INVOLVEMENT
● FRESH AIR
● LOVE OF FAMILY + INTERACTIONS
● TRUE FRIENDSHIPS + DEEP TALKS
GET SMART
● GET BUFF

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"What would be the BEST GIFT to give someone?"
(GIVEN WITH = COMPASSION/ GENEROSITY/ EMPATHY/ THOUGHTFUL/ DELIBERATE)
(GIVEN FOR = NEEDS/ VALUES/ PRIORITIES/ WANTS/ DREAMS/ HOPES/ INTERESTS/ CAREER/ HOBBIES)
(GIFTS = "LOVE LANGUAGES"??)

✳ [GREEN]= He has changed SO MUCH, I'm not sure. He loves playing bass guitar, & is still into learning about "enlightenment" & the human brain/ psyche? But I think he truly values COMPANY. He's very affectionate & says he feels unloved. My BEST gift would LEGIT be CANCELLING THE BLOODY PFA & just opening that door TO welcome him back into my life as BROTHER & FRIEND.
✳ [YELLOW]= I need to get to know him better. All I do know is he loves FLYING/ PILOTING, PHOTOGRAPHY, and possibly PORTRAIT ART. I would want to support THAT with a gift. Does he need art supplies, or books for techniques? Would he want a new & professional camera? Maybe right now my TRUE gift would be to SHOW this care & interest in him, & start TALKING to him about it.
✳ [BLUE]= He likes anime now, & used to be into the music scene. He also works out ALL the time. I suppose one could get him a subcscription to his meal delivery service or online anime streaming. But what's his REAL NEED? I want to know. Maybe THAT'S a good "gift" from me to him-- a caring & interested sister, to TALK TO & ENJOY THINGS WITH.
✳ DAD= He lives a simple life & I don't get to see him much, but THAT is ABSOLUTELY the best gift for him-- QUALITY TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER, and NOT "IN A RUSH" OR TALKING NEGATIVELY. I want to have UPLIFTING talks with him to give him HAPPINESS about his family. Give GOOD words!
✳ MOM= "Money" is only a means to an end. What she seems to WANT is BEAUTY & JOY & PURPOSE. I can give her MY TIME & LABOR to help her renovate the house & gardens. I can give her DECOR for the gardens? Maybe even a special plant or flower, to plant & grow? She DOES like sensory beauty too: dinner at a nice restaurant, her favorite perfume, tickets to a new show/ concert/ movie, pretty jewelry, etc. But for me personally I think the BEST thing I can give her is MY LOVE & HELP & FRIENDSHIP AS HER DAUGHTER. I can give her my committed presence in her life as she grows old, no matter what.
✳ IN GENERAL... I don't like giving "things" as gifts, possibly because I don't "value" mere "stuff" that much. Any physical-object gift I WOULD treasure would have to have REAL, DEEP, & PERSONAL meaning-- OR JUST TRUE SINCERITY on the part of the giver. Like these red heart pajamas. Mom got them for me not just to give me clothes to keep me warm, comfy & soft, but ALSO because SHE KNOWS MY AESTHETIC. So it was GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL and although they're not a "best" gift I DO cherish them truly, gratefully, with love. THAT'S how I WANT TO GIVE TO OTHERS. I despise "cheap" options like just cash or a giftcard UNLESS it's financing a REAL WANT/ NEED. I want to give MEANING. Which is WHY I ALWAYS GIVE CARDS WITH PERSONAL MESSAGES. THAT'S true gift.

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"Write some of your inflexible & stubborn thoughts & beliefs."
● I CANNOT BE MY "TRUE SELF" IF I AM "FAT"
● BEING "HEAVY" WILL MAKE ME SELFISH & CRUEL
● I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DISLIKE WHATEVER SOMEONE ELSE LIKES
● I MAKE STUPID AND HARMFUL CHOICES/ DECISIONS

"What are the thoughts and personal ideas that grow you?"
● I AM LOVED AND MY LIFE HAS VALUE AND MY SOUL IS THE SAME NO MATTER HOW MY BODY CHANGES
● EVEN THE "MISTAKES" I MAY MAKE CAN BECOME TEACHING LESSONS TO GROW EVER WISER & KINDER
I HAVE MANY GIFTS & TALENTS THAT WILL BRING JOY TO COUNTLESS PEOPLE
● DISCOVERING MY UNIQUE PREFERENCES HELPS ME TO VALUE THOSE OF OTHERS
● A BIG BODY CAN BE POWERFUL TO HELP OTHERS

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"What does a "good time" look like to you? What are the similarities & differences with other responses?"
I DON'T like "crowded/ busy/ noisy" outings, like fairs, amusement parks, live concerts, church picnics, etc. A "good time" for me is more quiet, slow, creative, yet inspiring & inciting positive action-- I also don't like "just hanging out" or lounging. I value IMAGINATIVE/ ADVENTUROUS yet QUIET/ PERSONAL time? I DO want to LEARN HOW to have a GOOD TIME with OTHER PEOPLE without getting overwhelmed/ burnt out/ legit upset. This REQUIRES brave attempts with an OPEN MIND/ HEART and a POSITIVE/ OPTIMISTIC/ WILLING attitude! CHOOSE to have a GOOD TIME as much as you SINCERELY can. Commit to the effort!

"How can you have more good times?"
EXPLORE & TRY, then DISCOVER what YOU LOVE & ENJOY doing & "SCHEDULE IT IN" more! And BE OPEN to UNEXPECTED good times, too! If you're willing TO have good times, no matter where you are, you WILL become ABLE TO have them * enjoy more, that you might have "excluded" from possibility before. BE GRATEFUL ALWAYS.

"Who else is present when you are having a good time?"
Me & the System, typically. BUT, I HAVE had good times with the fam in the past and want to again. And there HAVE been pretty good times even here in TBHU! Ultimately, I CAN have a good time potentially with anyone who is kind & friendly & brighthearted too.
✳YOU CANNOT HAVE A GOOD TIME EVER IF YOU'RE TOO PESSIMISTIC/ RIGID TO DO SO!

"How long should a good time last?"
As long as it lasts. Don't force it to keep going or that will damage the joy. Treasure it IN THE MOMENT, and savor the NOW. Let the memories be golden. And let more good times happen however & whenever they may.

"What does a good time, or even a great time, look like for you?"
Late night Spotify sessions on the couch with Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis
● Wandering through Diamew, especially now that it's being brought back to life
● Being out in the snowy woods, especially exploring, even just standing & savoring it
● Good long heartfelt conversations with the System about anything & everything, at all hours
A day of productive hard work, good talks, shared meals, & fun times with the family
● Exhausting & exhilarating workouts while listening to good tunes (SUPER SONIC RACING!)
● Playing a favorite video game: KLONOA DTP, SONIC, NIER GESTALT, DISHONORED, POKEMON, MEDABOTS?
● Singing & dancing to favorite music/ revisiting good music memories/ UPSTAIRS CONCERTS
● Watching a favorite film: FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, INSIDE OUT 2, POKEMON, BELLE, SUMMER WARS, etc.
● Creating art & seeing the results of beauty & joy, especially digital work, paintblots, painting?
● Personality surveys, poetry, creative writing & prompts, playing on FL, playing with instruments
● Walking in a circle at night with music on & IMAGINING LEAGUE STORIES for HOURS
● Doing League WORLDBUILDING/ CHARACTER PROFILES and seeing LIFE FLOURISH thereby
● A day out driving & having SYSTEM FUN? Feeling ALIVE. Praising God in the BEAUTY of it all
● Just being silly & playful with the System/ in the mirror/ LAUGHING!

"What makes a good time?"
Doing/ experiencing things that resonate with my true core/ soul/ heart; being ABLE to TRULY/ FULLY be "ME," treasuring the simple joy of being alive, FEELING alive, being inspired/ edified/ uplifted; ALWAYS LOVE & JOY.
PLAYFULNESS & "FUN" ARE ACTUALLY VITAL! (ARGUABLY, GOD "PLAYS" ALL THE TIME. CREATION IS SHEER JOY.)
JOY, SELF-EXPRESSIVE OPENNESS/ SINCERITY, WONDER, CREATIVE EXPRESSION/ INSPIRATION, INTERNAL PEACE, A SENSE OF SELF-LOVE & CONNECTION TO GOD & THE WORLD, CHERISHING THE GIFT OF LIFE, GRATITUDE, CHILDLIKE SPIRIT, FRIENDSHIP, TRUE CONNECTION, PURPOSE/ VALUE, FULFILLMENT

"Who is around when you are having a good time?"
Chaos 0, Laurie, Genesis, Xenophon, Lynne, Leon, Julie, Scalpel, Knife, Mimic, Celebi, and God willing one day EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM. I WANT AND NEED to be THAT LOVINGLY CLOSE to ALL OF US. I NEED to be able to "have a good time" with ANY ONE OF US-- Razor, Waldorf, Spice, Shirley & Sirius, Adelaide & Audrey, Mulberry, Algorith, Siobhan, EVERYONE-- it's been TOO LONG and there are TOO MANY OF US STILL MISSING & TOO MANY EMPTY SLOTS and my heart hurts. How can I EVER truly be myself, FULLY, or LIVE LIFE fully, if PARTS OF MY SOUL ARE MISSING?? We NEED to come back to life, IN LOVE, healed & healthy AT LAST. And it WILL take time & excruciating effort & LOTS of therapy & journaling & talking & CONNECTION. But THAT'S WHAT WE WANT. It's LOVE. It's TRUTH. It's worth EVERYTHING. And when we FINALLY DO COME BACK ALL TOGETHER, then we WILL have more "good times" than we can even count. We used to. We STILL CAN. Together our life is BEAUTIFUL. So MAKE THAT OUR #1 "RECOVERY" GOAL-- to RECOVER OUR LOST VOICES.

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"Why do you want what you want?"

I WANT=
TO LIVE OUT MY CREATIVE TALENTS FULLY, AND PUBLISH THE LEAGUE AS COMPLETELY AS POSSIBLE

"What will it do for you?"
(LIFE TO THE FULLEST)
It will finally bring my inner vision & true self into tangible reality, fulfilling my long-hidden but God-given purpose. It will finally bring me into the world as I am at heart, to share my talents for the good of others.
It will BRING ABSOLUTE JOY to my life.

"How do you get what you want?"
(It's NOT something that CAN be "earned" or "bought")
STOP SILENCING YOUR HEART. Be courageous and OPEN UP and LET THE LIGHT OUT. The secret is, I "already HAVE it" AS an "unopened gift." If I just ACCEPT that it IS there & USE it, it will naturally FLOURISH in response to my efforts & trust.

"How will it make you think & feel?"
I will FEEL joy, hope, love, purpose, excitement, wonder, courage, fulfillment.
I will THINK about what I can GIVE, what BEAUTY is there, what is POSSIBLE, what GOOD I can do for others AND myself; my thoughts will be ORIENTED TOWARDS GENEROSITY and GRATITUDE.


I WANT=
● TO BE PHYSICALLY STRONG
● TO BE EMOTIONALLY BRAVE
● TO BE MENTALLY SMART
● TO BE SPIRITUALLY HOLY!
(HOW MUCH OF THESE VIRTUES DO I ALREADY HAVE? AM I ABE TO SEE THIS & LIVE IT?)
✳ I literally IDENTIFY WITH these qualities. To NOT have them in my life & self is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING. (BUT my FEAR of NOT having them is ironically PREVENTING me FROM developing AND RECOGNIZING THEM IN ME!)

"What will it do for you?"
I will feel (BE?) adequate, useful, helpful, capable, & confident. I will feel able to fulfill my role & purpose. I will be able to do good hard work & labor with my hands, heart, AND head. I will no longer feel like a weak, useless, foolish, stupid, spineless coward. I will be able to rise to meet the challenges of life with zeal. My motives will be purified & oriented towards God. I will be GOOD at last.

"How do you get what you want?"
Physically, I NEED to work out daily & not give up or slack off, & I NEED to EAT to give it the fuel & the MATTER to BUILD all that muscle from. Emotionally, I need to NOT RUN AWAY from difficult, uncomfortable, challenging situations, but accept & enter willingly into them with trust in God. Mentally, I need to KEEP READING & RESEARCHING daily, seeking new & different skills & hobbies & topics of interest, and also engaging in "puzzles" to stay mentally flexible. Spiritually, I NEED to PRAY & REGULARLY READ SCRIPTURE/ RECEIVE THE SACRAMENTS.

"How will it make you think & feel?"

My emotions & thoughts will be disciplined & rightly ordered. I will be virtuous & a good example to others. Honestly the BIGGEST thing is that "I will FINALLY be ABLE to BE MYSELF." I CANNOT pursue OR accomplish my creative dreams & goals UNLESS I am BRAVE & SMART (COURAGEOUS & INTELLIGENT, DARING & WISE, BOLD & PRUDENT, etc.), and I am genuinely frightened of being PHYSICALLY WEAK/ INEPT because I genuinely cherish & value athletic ability and, admittedly, physical POWER. I feel almost foolish saying so but it's true-- I see muscular, strong, even bulky bodies-- like real warriors-- as beautiful. And in my mind, a body like that is FREE & CAPABLE. Really, THAT motivates ALL these ideals. I want to be/ feel LIBERATED and CONFIDENT in my ABILITY. I'm so tired of feeling USELESS, TRAPPED, HELPLESS, & SCARED. ...and it's that LAST ideal, HOLINESS, that colors & undergirds ALL the other virtues. Without it, they are ultimately HOLLOW. I can be built like a tank, utterly fearless, a creative genius with a comprehensive understanding of all creation, but... without ALL of that being FOCUSED ON GOD as its ULTIMATE goal & purpose & driving motivation, it's mere smoke. If I'm not VIRTUOUS in GRACE & LOVE above all else, it will not meet my DEEPEST wants at all. Strength, bravery, & smarts are ALL gifts from GOD, after all! And when faith is present, ALL things shine. I CAN be strong because GOD gives me strength on ALL levels. I CAN be brave because I TRUST Him and He ALWAYS protects & guides me. I CAN be smart because God has made Himself & His Creation knowable TO me. IT'S ALL HIM-- it's all LOVE.

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"What kind of store would you open?"
✳What are your INTERESTS, DESIRES, & PASSIONS that CAN be directed/ translated into something THIS DIRECTLY TANGIBLE, that OTHERS can benefit from just as tangibly? How can I channel the joys of my heart into the hearts of others, in a way they can hold as their very own joy?

STOREFRONT NAME=
"
OFFICIAL STORE OF THE LIGHTRAYE LEAGUE (EST. 1995)"

STORE INFORMATION=
"The ONLY place to
buy ALL of your Lightraye League gifts & treasures! Whether you're looking for things to read, watch, play, listen to, collect, or just admire, we have what you're dreaming of! Stop by and share the joy with fellow dreamers! The real treasure is the LOVE!"

STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"ALL ARE WELCOME♥"
"NEW ITEMS ARE ADDED AS NEW DREAMS ARE DREAMED"
"BUY THE OSTS TO THE FILMS & GAMES"
"GET THE TV SERIES & BOOKS YOU LOVE"
"PLUSHIES & FIGURES OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS"
"LEAGUE FASHIONS & ACCESSORIES"
"ORIGINAL SIGNED ARTWORKS"


STOREFRONT NAME=
"dreamSEEDS (est. ∞)

STORE INFORMATION=
● SHARE WHAT YOU HAVE // GROW WHAT IS GIVEN
"The possibilities are as infinite as your imagination... but you never dream alone. GIVE a seed of yours and GET one gifted by another. Then CREATE a whole new world TOGETHER."


STORE WINDOWS/ ADS=
"a SWEET one? a SCARY one? MAKE A NEW DREAM"
"Make a wish" + "He loves me, he loves me not..." (added by a group member; this one was collaborative)




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"How do you love? Do you make room for love?"
You have to OPEN YOUR HEART to make room for love. You have to empty out the hardness of pride & egotism. You have to LET GO of addictions & fears & LET DOWN the walls. You have to release your grip on any hate, prejudice, judgment, grudges, bitterness, & worldliness. Love is BIG. It's INFINITE. It requires ALL OF YOU. You CANNOT make room for it if you aren't effectively letting love REDEFINE YOUR WHOLE SPACE. Love can't be "squeezed in." It can't be put into a corner. It WILL take up ALL the space & TRANSFORM it INTO ITSELF. Love CHANGES you, ENTIRELY.

"Where do you find love?"
IN GOD/ AT CHURCH/ IN HIS PEOPLE; in family & friends (MOM), IN THE LEAGUE & THE SYSTEM, reflected in the beauty of Creation itself, in my heart.

"How do you create love?"
Make SPACE & TIME for it. OPEN YOUR HEART to it. ACT on it even if your emotions haven't caught up. LOVE IS A CHOICE; A WILLING & SERVING THE HIGHEST GOOD OF THE OTHER. It is DIVINE & DOES NOT REQUIRE "FUZZY FEELINGS." YOU "CREATE" LOVE by LETTING GOD'S LOVE ACT THROUGH YOU (LIKE CHRIST)!!

"What kinds of love are there?"
ALL TRUE LOVE IS OF GOD. Family love, friend love, marriage love, love for Creation, & above all love for God Himself, which is the ULTIMATE ROOT & TRUE END/ GOAL of ALL "other" loves! (ALL LOVE, IN ALL "WAYS & CONTEXTS", IS RELATIONAL = TRINITY!!)

"Is love important and why?"
LOVE IS LITERALLY THE FOUNDATION, PURPOSE & SOUL OF REALITY ITSELF. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Without love, all there can remain is death & hell, because GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS HEAVEN, the REASON WE EXIST & OUR TRUE DESTINY. LIFE ITSELF IS FOR LOVE, FROM LOVE.

"What's the difference between healthy love and unhealthy 'love'?"
"Unhealthy" love IS NOT LOVE AT ALL and it ANGERS me that the word is ever associated with abuse/ hate/ control/ obsession/ egotism/ lust/ etc. LOVE IS SELF-GIVING. It is MUTUAL, SACRIFICIAL, EXCLUSIVE, DEVOTED, KIND, JUST, TENDER, JOYFUL, TRUE, FAITHFUL, etc. Real love CANNOT be controlling or objectifying or self-focused. Healthy love comes from a healthy HEART, which we NEED GOD TO GIVE US-- freed from ego & oriented towards heaven. Healthy love is CHRIST'S LOVE!!

✳Some claim that "love also comes from nature, action, movement, etc." and "not just from people." THIS IS COMPLETELY FALSE. YOU CANNOT BE IN A MUTUALLY SELF-GIVING RELATIONSHIP WITH THOSE THINGS!! YOU CAN ONLY HAVE LOVE WITH PERSONS!! With that original perspective, however, the confusion is because LOVE COMES TO US ONLY TO THE EXTENT THAT LOVE=GOD COMES TO US IN THOSE THINGS AS THEIR CREATOR AND SUSTAINER AND GIVER (ONLY GOD CAN LOVE IN TRUTH; HE ENABLES US TO LOVE)! LOVE IS A WAY OF BEING!

"Please explain exactly the kind of love you want."
(I WANT GOD'S LOVE, IN EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.)
(If it's NOT HIS LOVE, then IT'S NOT LOVE AT ALL!!)
✳ UNCONDITIONAL, COVENANTAL, WHOLEHEARTED, TRUE, SELF-GIVING, LIFE-GIVING, HONEST, COURAGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL, SACRIFICIAL, GENEROUS, JUST, FORGIVING, POWERFUL, GENTLE, PURE, FAITHFUL, JOYFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE, DEVOTED, etc.
I want to share JOYS & SORROWS. I want to FIGHT TOGETHER & PROTECT EACH OTHER & LIFT EACH OTHER UP & BECOME SAINTS TOGETHER.

"Where would it come from?"
The System, the League, the Church, my family, & TRUE FRIENDS. I genuinely DO want a human girlfriend that I can protect & dote on & create things with & love God with. Moreso even than that, I want DEEP & REAL relationships with the System, and COMMUNICATIVE/ HONEST closeness with family & friends. In the future, I admittedly also want the love of a fandom FOR the League that I love, to share that with the world in joy.

"What does this love feel like?"
Like a fire-- warm & safe & protective & lifegiving, yet powerful & brilliant & full of energy. It's DEEP & RAW & VULNERABLE & STRONG & TRUE. It feels like light & all the colors it reflects into, and it shines all the more strikingly in the dark. It feels welcoming and encouraging yet challenging. It calls me to heights. It also feels FREE, joyful & flowing, able to thrive fully in all circumstances. It's GROUNDED & PEACEFUL yet ADVENTUROUS & INSPIRING. It feels like life is forever worth living. It feels like true purpose. It feels like my heart. And I want to SHARE it entirely.

"How can you bring this kind of love into your life?"
I need to "put myself out there." I need to actively spend time with my family & church & neighbors, and TALK to them & LISTEN to them & DO things together. I need to find community spaces for potential friends & PARTICIPATE in them. I need to PUBLISH & SHARE my creative work. I need to READ my OWN work/ Archives and FEEL that love and LIVE IN IT. I need to take time to GO INSIDE & LOVE THE SYSTEM every day, to TALK & LIVE TOGETHER.

"What can this love do for you?"
I CAN ONLY BE MY REAL, TRUE SELF WHEN I LOVE. And love brings with it ALL the other virtues. ONLY LOVE CAN & WILL MAKE ME A SAINT. Love makes me a better, realer, holier person-- stronger, braver, warmer, sweeter. Love is my IDENTITY and my PURPOSE. Finally being ABLE to LIVE this truth will give me SO MUCH JOY & ZEAL TO LIVE! I CANNOT LOVE ALONE. I WANT RELATIONSHIPS WITH the SYSTEM, SO MUCH. I ADORE them. I DO want a girlfriend too, and loving HER will bring out ALL MY CAPACITY FOR DEVOTED SELF-GIFT & SERVICE. Loving my family & friends will make me a KINDER, NICER, FRIENDLIER person TO OTHERS! I will BE a SOURCE OF JOY TO THEM inasmuch as I MANIFEST LOVE. I will become a GOOD, RESPECTED, VALUABLE member of the community FOR THEIR SAKE. I will be a GOOD CHRISTIAN. I WILL LIVE FOR GOD'S GLORY & SERVICE BY BRINGING HIS LOVE TO ALL I MEET. That is what I TRULY WANT, more than ANYTHING.

"How do you love?"
Passionately, wholeheartedly, sincerely. Ask Chaos 0. EVEN in "platonic" relationships & family/ neighbor interactions, I GENUINELY AM WILLING AND WANTING TO HAVE THE STRONGEST & MOST SINCERE, DEDICATED relationship POSSIBLE with them IN THAT CONTEXT. Honestly I ACHE for communion in EVERY circumstance. I just LOVE PEOPLE, when you get down to the very core of me. But... I have to be honest as well in saying that I NEED CLOSE relationships THE MOST. I NEED & even CRAVE intimacy-- NOT sexual, but EMOTIONAL & SPIRITUAL. Physical closeness is nice but it's hollow & even distasteful without BOTH the SPIRIT & HEART close behind it. ...No matter what physical-level interactions I have, I will be completely missing my deepest need/ I will still feel unfulfilled & empty where it counts the most IF I DON'T HAVE THE GREATEST, DEEPEST LOVES: the love of the System, and the love of God. I NEED to pray & worship, and I NEED to "GO UPSTAIRS" and ADORE THOSE SOULS on a DAILY BASIS. If I was forced to neglect either, I think I would DIE inside. REMEMBER THAT. YOU CANNOT LOVE HUMANKIND OUTSIDE IF YOU DON'T FIRST TAKE THE TIME EVERY DAY TO LOVE THE CREATOR OF HUMANKIND, AND TO LOVE THE ONES WHO TAUGHT YOU WHAT LOVE TRULY LOOKED & FELT LIKE to begin with. I AM ME WITH THEM.
✳ THE COREGROUP IS ESSENTIAL TO YOUR WELLBEING ON EVERY LEVEL OF YOUR EXISTENCE. LOVE THEM EVERY DAY. (THAT IS A NEED!)


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prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

SELF-SABOTAGING CYCLE=

1) PERFECTIONIST DEMANDS (NO MISTAKES/ ERRORS/ SINS, EVER)
2) FEAR OF FAILURE (EITHER "good or bad" = failure is DAMNING)
3) SELF-CRITICISM (brutal cursing, swearing, self-abuse)
4) LOSS OF CONFIDENCE (feel unable to do/ be good; worthless)
5) ANXIETY & DEPRESSION (moral panic & despair)
6) PROCRASTINATION (fear of joy; it "feeds the monster")
7) PASSIVE AGGRESSION ("boiling over" only outlet for inner torment)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

How would you define self-sabotaging?
Considering myself "unworthy/ undeserving" of mercy/ reward/ help/ health/ rest/ joy/ etc. because of something stupid/ foolish/ unwise/ careless/ ignorant/ selfish/ idiotic/ etc. that I did, and as a result, actively undermining/ preventing/ sabotaging/ eliminating/ rejecting/ crushing/ etc. ALL possible positive outcomes or situations out of punishment/ payback/ penance/ self-hatred/ etc.
✳ This mindset HAS NO CAPACITY FOR COMPASSION OR CHARITY, and therefore INVALIDATES its own (devilish) opinions. IT ISN'T TRUTH!!

What are some of your self-sabotaging behaviors?
✳ Not letting myself do/ choose/ have things that I enjoy/ that give me peace
✳ Verbally insulting & cursing myself whenever I do something stupid/ foolish
✳ Physically abusing myself (eating disorder) to "incapacitate" myself & cause lasting pain/ permanent damage
✳ Destroying records of past accomplishments/ growth/ healing/ progress
✳ Destroying personal items that were cherished/ valued, out of shame/ hatred
✳ Dwelling on personal faults/ vices/ failures/ unsolved problems, causing despair
✳ Refusing to care for my body, mind, heart, & soul, "pushing it to harmful limits" (denying such limits exist)

How do your self-sabotaging behaviors impact your well-being and life?
✳ Poor personal hygiene, no sleep, malnutrition, wasting, chronic pain
✳ Always wanting to either weep forever OR scream & destroy everything
✳ No self-esteem, abandon all ambition, feel worthless/ useless, despondent
✳ Loss of sense of self/ history/ values/ preferences/ etc. due to destruction
Inability to relate to/ interact with others without "infecting" them too
✳ No hope/ vision of future, distract from the present, deny/ suppress the past

Why do you think you self-sabotage?
Deep down I think it's because I see my "moral status" as EITHER "ALL good" OR "ALL evil". When I make a stupid decision or fail to choose the edifying option or otherwise act in a way contrary to virtue, ESPECIALLY LOVE & WISDOM, I immediately label myself as "FALLEN FROM GRACE," and my awful instinct is to PUNISH/ CRUSH/ DESTROY/ DO VIOLENCE TO THE EVIL TO "PURGE IT FROM OUR MIDST." I believe on some level that "ONLY VIOLENCE CAN RESTORE ME TO GRACE/ FORGIVENESS" = RESTITUTION MUST BE PAID IN BLOOD. I see this even as an ACT OF LOVE, NOT "SABOTAGE," because "I AM EVIL" and the ONLY thing being "sabotaged" IS THE EVIL WITHIN ME, by FORCE.

Are there any particular self-sabotaging patterns that you can recognize?
PERFECTIONISM, as explained above. I struggle to accept "mistakes/ missteps" because I DON'T SEE THEM AS "INNOCENT/ ACCIDENTAL", but as MORTAL SINS??? For some reason I'm EITHER a "moral absolute perfectionist," OR DESPAIR over that crushes me to MORAL NUMBNESS?? "IF EVERYTHING I DO is a SIN, why even TRY to do otherwise?" And THAT is SERIOUS SABOTAGE, because it STOPS JOY at the ROOT!
PROCRASTINATION, because EVEN THOUGH I WANT to do these good/ helpful/ creative things, I FEAR "DOING IT WRONG" = SINFULLY?? Do I fear CORRUPTING that good that way? Like, if I try and "fail," will it NEVER BE "GOOD" AGAIN? Is procrastination "PROTECTING" those "pure" ideals/ hopes from "ME"??

What can you do differently?
✳ GIVE MYSELF GRACE. GOD DOES. ACCEPT IT. (YOUR NATURE ISN'T EVIL!!!)
SCRIPTURE DISPROVES YOUR ABSOLUTISM. NO ONE IN THE BIBLE, OR HUMAN HISTORY-- besides Jesus & Mary, the NEW Adam & Eve, FOR YOUR SAKE-- WERE SINLESS. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS SINNED & MADE MISTAKES & DONE STUPID THINGS. GOD STILL GETS THOSE PEOPLE TO HEAVEN. YOU ARE NOT "DAMNED" JUST BECAUSE YOU STUMBLED IN WEAKNESS. VIOLENCE CANNOT HEAL YOU. THE CROSS CAN, BECAUSE IT ABSORBS AND TRANSMUTES IT. But the CROSS is LOVE & MERCY & FORGIVENESS. Carry THAT!!!

How can you reward yourself?
✳"For WHAT?" For NOT sabotaging? For ACTUALLY & FINALLY choosing to show MERCY & FORGIVENESS & COMPASSION & TENDERNESS & PATIENCE & GENTLENESS to myself? In a very real way, that virtuous response IS "reward" enough. BUT, if we want to extend the definition to a "REINFORCEMENT OF THE VIRTUE" in the FORM of a "GIFT," that would simply be ALLOWING AND ENABLING ourself TO do the things that give us REAL JOY, AND CONTRIBUTE TO/ ARE IN CONGRUENCE WITH our VALUES & THE GOOD THINGS OTHERS SAY ABOUT US. Fight hate with LOVE & dark with LIGHT. Seriously just JUMP HEADFIRST into BEAUTY & WONDER & GOODNESS whenever sabotaging temptations appear. GOD ALWAYS WINS.

What coping skills can you put in place so that you have a backup plan when things get tough?
✳ READ SCRIPTURE. Make a LIST of the ACTUAL VERSES (not numbers) to READ & so REALIZE THE TRUTH when the lies of sabotage try to drag you down to hell.
✳ TALK TO THE SYSTEM/ READ THE ARCHIVES. There is PROFOUND LOVE & HONEST TRUTH in BOTH, & GOD USES US AS CHANNELS OF HIS GRACE TO OURSELVES. Trust me, the System will ALWAYS stop self-sabotage because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
✳ "DISTRACT" & "REDIRECT." STOP the cycle with IMMEDIATE exposure to a System/ League song/ image/ writing that COMMUNICATES TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS. Remember that GOD BROUGHT THAT INTO EXISTENCE THROUGH YOU. DON'T SABOTAGE HIS PURPOSES!!!

Reflection:
To "sabotage yourself," you MUST be, on some level, DISSOCIATED from yourself. You ARE a CREATION of God, MADE GOOD, and that may be "broken" but it's NOT LOST OR RUINED. That's why God ALSO made you His CHILD, pouring HIS GRACE BACK INTO YOUR HEART to be YOURS FOREVER. Just DON'T REJECT IT!!! SABOTAGE TRIES TO, because it SHUTS OUT LOVE. As long as you RESIST the hate, THERE'S HOPE. PRAY FOR GOD'S HELP & HE WILL HELP YOU!! He LOVES YOU!! And when you FULLY REALIZE & ACCEPT that FACT (as much as mortals can), you will NEVER be fooled by self-sabotage again, because LOVE CHANGES YOU FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER!! 
(TRUTH = LOVE)

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SELF-SABOTAGE QUIZ

NEGATIVE RESPONSES:
Your feelings about yourself are dependent on situational factors.
"SOCIAL MODE"; MORAL PANIC; "my life is WORTHLESS unless OTHERS approve/ want me"

You measure your self-worth by your accomplishments.
"APPEASEMENT"/ "SLAVE"; "uselessness" = "don't deserve to exist"

You have always been told that risk-taking is dangerous & the world is a scary place.
Mom & grandma DRILLED this into our childbrain to disturbing extents = TAUGHT to "expect the worst outcome" in every situation (catastrophe seen as inevitable)

You have grown up around an anxious person who always seemed nervous & worried about things.
Grandma's OCD "doom predictions," Mom's panic over "loss of control"

When you were young, an important adult in your life could never accomplish their goals and that used to discourage their future efforts.
MOM'S "ABANDONED DREAMS" & EMPTY "PROMISES" ABOUT THEM; also extended to her empty "promises" to US?? (e.g. "forgotten" presents & events, the endless list of "one day" and "when this happens" etc. that NEVER panned out; we learned very fast to not want things OR to expect desired good things TO happen at ALL)

You like to correct other when they make a mistake or when they are wrong, no matter how small it might be.
Intolerant of slip-ups with self, EXTERNALIZED; "rigid rules" = ORDER/ SENSE (CONTROLLED; "PROPER") (this is MORAL PRIDE!!)


POSITIVE RESPONSES:
You can list 5 things you like about yourself.
Hopeful, determined to do better, sense of wonder, genuine want/ ability to love, creative vision & talents

You know who you are and understand your morals/ values/ beliefs (identity).
The Archives are actually a BEAUTIFUL TESTAMENT to this, as ironic as it may seem. WE know who WE are. 

When you compare yourself to others, you believe you have the capacity to achieve similar things.
I believe that if I truly want it (what they have/ have done), then it's worth giving it a shot! The rest is in GOD'S Hands, not mine!

You admit your faults and can easily admit when you are wrong.
This is a weird one. I CAN and DO point out where I screw up, even to others. IRONICALLY I'm terrified that it's ABSOLUTE; "damning myself" to NEVER be "right". So this is 50/50. It's one of my biggest struggles.




prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

WHAT IS SELF-ESTEEM?

GOD CREATED ME = I AM VALUABLE!
I HAVE A GOD-GIVE PURPOSE = I AM IMPORTANT!
GOD MADE ME GOOD AND THAT IS STILL IN ME! = I AM LIKEABLE!

I AM NOT INFERIOR; GOD SEES NO ONE HE CREATED (LOVES!) AS "LESS THAN"! IF I AM NOT "EQUAL" TO SOMEONE ELSE IN TALENT/ ABILITY/ ETC., IT DOES NOT AFFECT MY WORTH OR VALUE! GOD INTENDED FOR ME TO BE DIFFERENTLY GIFTED, AND I CAN ALWAYS STRIVE TO BE BETTER & LEARN MORE-- BUT FOR JOY, NOT FOR COMPETITION!!
✳ In the big picture, there is NO SUCH THING as being "better than" others! Difference in skill does NOT affect worth/ value! (REJOICE IN EACH OTHER)

HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM REQUIRES BALANCE= DIGNITY/ HONOR BOTH SELF & OTHERS NEEDS; I AM JUST AS WORTHY/ VALUABLE AS EVERYONE ELSE)

✳ I AM NOT INADEQUATE. GOD HAS GIVEN ME THE GRACE, GIFTS, & CIRCUMSTANCES I NEED TO DO WHAT HE WANTS ME TO DO, AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS! AND BY HIS GRACE I CAN AND WILL DO IT! I AM FULLY ADEQUATE IN HIS LOVE!!

✳ MY OWN OPINIONS & VALUES DO MATTER BECAUSE I MATTER

✳ SELF-ESTEEM IS NOT "BEING PERFECT"; ONLY GOD IS! BUT TRUE PERFECTION = LOVE!! WE ARE LIKE GOD WHEN WE LOVE OTHERS!

✳ WE LEARN & GROW FROM OUR MISTAKES; they are INEVITABLE & NECESSARY (HUMILITY)
✳ "ALWAYS WINNING" DOES NOT DEFINE TRUE "VICTORY"

✳ "ALWAYS BEING HAPPY" IS NOT THE POINT; SADNESS IS A BLESSING TOO! EVEN ANGER CAN BE HOLY!

✳ YOU ONLY NEED GOD'S APPROVAL; EVEN IF ALL HUMANITY HATES YOU!
+
"PLEASE GOD, AND THE WORLD'S OPINION WILL NOT MATTER"

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INFLUENTIAL FACTORS THAT SHAPE SELF-ESTEEM

How others respond and react to you
"slave/ alien/ freak/ bad girl/ troublemaker/ puppeteer" etc.; being ignored/ rejected at school & work

Being compared unfavorably to others
"Never smart/ good/ holy enough"

Religious views of family or community
verses "queer" identity & "mental illness"

Traumatic experiences
DESTROY sense of worth/ value/ goodness; "broken forever"; become "WRONG" in an almost innate way

Cultural view towards you
"weird queer kid" not conforming properly to gender/ social roles

Chronic illness/ disability/ abuse
✳ MY "SELF-IDENTITY" HAS LEGIT ANCHORED ITSELF INTO THE CHRONIC TRAUMA??? IN DIRECT OPPOSITION TO THE LEAGUE that WAS "BEFORE" IT???
(HOW DOES OUR FAITH PLAY INTO THIS, CONCERNING THE RELIGIOUS TRAUMA?) (which was ALL LIES btw)
✳ THE LEAGUE IS TIED TO US BEING A CHILD OF GOD!!!

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WRITING YOUR STORY
Have you had negative experiences that have negatively impacted your self-esteem? Indicate how they did so.

HARDSHIP: family "poverty mindset"? Rejection/ bullying at school? Family fighting, lack of social connection or friends?

ABUSE: Emotional/ psychological/ religious/ sexual. Doubt own emotions & thoughts, objectified, scrupulous, "bad girl"

TRAUMA: "Shattered self"; "irreparably damaged"; "tainted, broken, corrupt, ruined," etc. "Not worthy of good things anymore"?

PEOPLE: Mom's big & competitive expectations/ demands; bully girls at school? Social/ cultural messages that exclude/ condemn?

EATING DISORDER: Treated body as garbage; waste/ destroy all health/ comfort/ good things; reliving trauma; compulsive "people-pleasing" choices

✳ FEAR OF JUDGMENT/ REJECTION influences me too much. "Will they hate me?" "Am I a bad person?"

✳ My ideas/ opinions mocked, rejected, torn apart. Faults & weaknesses highlighted = "not good enough"; must be "the best"; "simple pleasures" a "waste of time" = all behavior/ activities must be approved/ dictated? "Is my life of any value (USE) to you?" Extreme = others tying my purpose to money/ sex

HUGE LOSSES & DEFEATS. Could never "live up to" demands. "Failed" at being a daughter/ sister/ girl. See self as inherently unwanted, alien to world/ society. "What's wrong with me?" "No one likes me"? UNIMPORTANT unless PERFECT/ SUCCESSFUL. "People only pay attention to me/ care about me IF I'm entertaining/ the BEST/ useful/ etc."

✳ Ultimately see self as SUBHUMAN/ INHUMAN and therefore UNDESERVING OF BASIC HUMAN DIGNITY; THIS FUELS THE EATING DISORDER


What do your answers indicate about your self-esteem?
✳ It's QUITE POOR. It implies a LACK OF SELF-AGENCY/ CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ DEFINITION/ POWER. It's a shrinking, timid, frightened, submissive, "SERVANT" mindset = "my existence MUST be utterly inoffensive/ consumable/ entertaining/ useful/ PERFECT" for OTHER PEOPLE (who CONTROL me thereby) or it's "WORTHLESS" and I'm "BAD/ UNACCEPTABLE/ WRONG/ UNWANTED/ INTOLERABLE/ REJECTED/ ABUSIVE/ etc." THAT'S VICTIM BRAIN. It ALSO reveals a LACK OF FAITH!! When I BADE MY WORTH & VALUE IN GOD, AND SEEK TO PLEASE HIM ABOVE ALL-- God Who IS LOVE-- then I CAN HAVE CONFIDENCE because HE MADE ME & GAVE ME HIS SPIRIT OF POWER!!

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HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM CHECKLIST

I KNOW LIFE HAS PURPOSE AND DIRECTION.

I am wanted by others.
MOM SAID SO!!!

Other people value me.
GROUP SAID SO!!!

I can make contributions to others.
THE FACTS PROVE THIS!

I can receive and believe compliments from others.
TRUST THEIR SINCERITY. CHOOSE TO "BE" SUCH A PERSON!

I feel confident.
"WITH FAITH" = TRUST in MY ABILITY/ ADEQUACY; "I CAN DO IT" (GOD IS YOUR STRENGTH!)

I don't really worry about making mistakes.
They AREN'T "FAILURE"! They TEACH you BETTER!

I am able to state my opinion.
IT DOESN'T INVALIDATE THOSE OF OTHERS! YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE OPINIONS!

I can make decisions and feel comfortable with them.
EVEN WITH UNEXPECTED RESULTS!! YOU'RE NOT "BEING TESTED"
HAVE MORE TRUST IN YOUR ABILITY AND EFFORT TO CHOOSE WISELY, AND STOP DEMANDING "PERFECTION" (B&W THINKING)!!

I feel comfortable around others.
(WANTED/ VALUED/ WELCOMED)?
LET GO OF "FEAR OF JUDGMENT/ REJECTION"
✳ LIKE YOURSELF FIRST!

My mind is peaceful.
(MINDFUL) "PEACE OF CHRIST" = GET OFF THE WHEEL!

I am, for the most part, content.
TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE NO MATTER WHAT

I don't worry what others might think of me.
THEIR THOUGHTS DON'T DICTATE REALITY EVEN IF THEY ARE NEGATIVE (MATCH TRAUMA DISTORTIONS/ LIES)

I can ask for what I need.
YOU DO HAVE NEEDS! YOU DESERVE TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS MET TOO! NO EXCEPTIONS OR DOUBLE STANDARDS!

I can look at others directly and with confidence.
LOVE them; LISTEN & CARE
✳ TO LOOK & SPEAK is harder; it requires VULNERABILITY! YOU MUST VALUE YOURSELF TO BE HONESTLY OPEN WITH OTHERS!!

WHAT YOU FOCUS ON IS WHAT YOU GIVE POWER TO. Positive focus ENLIVENS you. Negative focus DEVOURS you.
✳ "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DO YOU WANT TO BE?" FOCUS ON/ AFFIRM/ MANIFEST THAT LIGHT!!! (TRUTH) "DARKNESS CANNOT DRIVE OUT DARKNESS." YOU MUST CHOOSE TO SHINE DESPITE IT.
✳ YOUR MISTAKES/ FAILURES/ DISAPPOINTMENTS CANNOT DEFINE YOU. ONLY GOD CAN DEFINE YOU AND HE LOVES YOU INTO BEING EVEN NOW.

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SELF-ESTEEM CHECK-UP=


I need to be OKAY WITH "MISTAKES" & "FAILURES" AS PART OF BEING HUMBLY HUMAN!! This ties into HANDLING CRITICISM WELL, and being ABLE to TRUST MYSELF EVEN WHEN I'M NOT PERFECT! I'll also solve problems BETTER when I'm FLEXIBLE & OPEN ENOUGH to ALLOW "MIS-TAKES" SO I CAN LEARN WHAT DOESN'T WORK & DO EVEN BETTER BY IT!!

✳ I'll RESPECT MYSELF better when I LET MYSELF BE MYSELF, & STOP "DISRESPECTING" MY OWN UNIQUENESS & PERSONHOOD. Then I'll ALSO LET MYSELF ENJOY & CHERISH BEING "ME"!
✳ COMPLIMENTS "AFFIRM" THE GOODNESS I STRIVE TO MANIFEST/ EMBODY. I AM VALUABLE BECAUSE OF GOD!
✳ OTHERS REJECTING ME DOESN'T DAMAGE MY WORTH OR INVALIDATE/ CONDEMN MY PERSONALITY!!
✳ MY LOOKS DON'T DEFINE MY SOUL-- MY SOUL BEAUTIFIES THEM! (I AM EXACTLY WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE, & MY JOB IS (BY GRACE!) TO REMOVE ALL THE LYING OBSTACLES OF POOR SELF-ESTEEM THAT SUPPRESS ME!)
✳ GOD DESIGNED MY UNIQUE SOUL & PURPOSE & TALENTS & RESONANCE etc. BEFORE I WAS BORN! I CANNOT LOSE IT, EVER!


(I REALLY DO LOVE WHO I AM. THANK YOU GOD!!)


prismaticbleed: (shatter)

I dreamt that I was in treatment, but the "main room" was this big open floorplan & it was messy & chaotic, with stuff & garbage all over the floor, & no furniture? There were people in various states of undress, all just "wasting time" as they waited for directions/ the scheduled day to begin? It felt like an interim, like a flight delayed indefinitely. I ALSO had the strongly disturbing impression that this was "MY room" somehow? But it "wasn't mine" even so, as it was being treated carelessly as a public space. I felt so invaded, helpless, & dirty. There was a walk-in shower with NO DOOR in the corner of the room, and I kept trying to go in to to shower, but everyone else kept either going in while I was called away/ busy (for other people), or flat-out saying "I'm next" although it "was my shower" and I'd been waiting all morning. I ended up crying at one point from sheer powerless overwhelm. When a space finally opened up-- notably like "one minute before" roll call, when everyone else was taken care of & ready but I was left in the dust-- and I went in, my emotions "shut off" & I began "echoing" the demeanor of the other patients towards me, feeling selfhating cold rage & saying something cruel like "you are a slut" or "you deserve to die" etc. BUT BEFORE I could even start the water, a woman walked up to the door & said "can I talk to you for a minute" with a clipboard of papers. Giving up, my emotions went numb & I just walked out to do whatever she wanted. I don't recall what happened after, except that I was impossibly late & panicking & that's what woke me up, to gratefully discover it was almost exactly 6:30 AM (perfect timing).
HOWEVER there were 3 other details from the nightmare. First, when I finally headed to the shower, I was coughing uncontrollably, and it was a harsh & painful cough, bringing up tons of thick mucus like green jelly. The girls around me didn't bat an eye, but were stage-whispering to each other "how gross I was" and "That had better not be contagious" like I was trying on purpose to disgust & infect them. Second, my little brothers were there (as children)? And at one point in the shower-lineup struggle I, for some reason, said something like "I love you & I'm genuinely really glad you're here, BUT I hate how much I always have to do when you're here"?? I was "TRYING" to express BOTH my love AND my utter physical/ emotional EXHAUSTION at having to "take care of (PARENT) them," although I'd "NEVER SAY NO." BUT they reacted with PROFOUND HURT & LEFT ME, judging me as "CRUEL/ COLD/ SELFISH" & "REJECTING: them. This CRUSHED me & I just LEFT the building. The streets were empty & quiet like a ghost town? And the few people walking were MALICIOUS & ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR ME TO HURT ME. When they saw me outside they grinned & "signaled" for an "attack," & when I went back inside numb-afraid, there was a gang of both men & women rushing at me to beat up (with weapons) & kill me. BUT I "snapped into" RED FRENZY mode, & started "mercilessly" throwing them about like rag dolls, literally PICKING THEM UP BY ONE LIMB & SMASHING THEM HEADFIRST INTO THE LINOLEUM, assumedly KILLING them by SMASHING THEIR SKULLS. I felt & thought nothing. When I got them all, I went back in to take that shower, my mind "picking up where it left off" BY "DISSOCIATION" FROM/ "FORGETTING" WHAT I JUST DID? And THAT'S when I started coughing. BUT before I did that I DID have a minute of DEEPLY DISTURBED HORROR, realizing "DID I JUST KILL THOSE PEOPLE??" like it was a nightmare. I couldn't process/ cope with that so I shut off.
There was also, in other parts of the dream, something about 2 new patients, who were both elderly women & I actually was very happy & "comforted" by that, as I felt safer around them than I did around young girls. And that's all.
✳ WHAT IS MY SUBCONSCIOUS TRYING TO TELL ME THROUGH THIS?
✳ 1) "My room" made "public property" AND a "trash dump," NO "SPACE FOR ME" = I feel like I DON'T have any personal space here? EVERYTHING I feel/ think/ write IS "public property" & EVERYONE CAN, & often are TOLD TO (groups) "MAKE IT THEIRS." I feel like I'm homeless? I feel OVERWHELMED & HELPLESS & USED. As for the TRASH, I'm "LETTING PEOPLE IN" to my space "AGAINST MY WILL"? Because I "FOUND" these people ALREADY THERE & DIDN'T PROTECT OR SAY ANYTHING TO ANYONE ABOUT IT. And I feel FORCED to "TAKE IN/ LISTEN TO" EVERYTHING & SO MUCH OF IT IS BADLY AFFECTING MY MIND. I'm a "good listener" like a garbage bin is "open" to all your junk. I mean no offense & I don't want to "force" others to hold on to what they want to let out, so I "let them trash my space" & "inhabit my space" & I'm left with NEITHER "safety" nor "security." In my OWN SELF, there's "NO ROOM" TO BE MYSELF.
✳ 2) "Can't use my own shower" because "everyone else has dibs/ is forcing past me"; when I FINALLY get there, "TIME'S UP" and/or OTHERS CALL ME AWAY to do things for them = I CAN'T do what I'm doing for OTHERS for MYSELF? "CLEAN/ REFRESH/ PRIVATE/ PERSONAL" emphasis? ALSO the concept of "CLEANING OTHERS" = "insight" offered & helping untangle problems/ give support? "Wash away" the "dirt" & "tiredness" (negativity, etc.) IN MY "PRIVATE SPACE"?? To the extent that I'M STILL TIRED & FILTHY? But NO ONE WILL LET ME GO IN BECAUSE THEY NEED IT FIRST/ MORE. I'm disturbed by the "DIBS"/ CLAIM aspect; I feel "OWNED"/ OBJECTIFIED by others as a "USEFUL RESOURCE," BECAUSE of the "water" I "HAVE"?? NOTABLY NOT TO DRINK, BUT TO BATHE. That feels almost WASTEFUL/ "ABUSIVE"? Like they're emptying out my well just to "enjoy a bath," filling it with dirtiness & flushing it out to the sewer. BUT THAT WELL WATER IS FOR DRINKING. I can't quite untangle that completely-- it's actually an inapplicable extended metaphor because in the dream I was going to bathe in the water too; that's what showers are for-- but the root concept is too strong to ignore. The described behavior feels WRONG & like STEALING/ MISUSE & it HURTS. Lastly, the "TIME'S UP" is scary, because it suggests that, LIKE the clipboard woman, "MY" TIME TO "BATHE" is DICTATED BY OTHERS? Because I'm ONLY BATHING TO "GET READY" TO SERVE/ OBEY. And if I DON'T get to shower FIRST, then I'm DIRTY & I STINK & I'm NOT in CLEAN CLOTHES, etc. And OTHERS ARE OFFENDED BY MY FILTH. And the reason WHY everyone goes BEFORE me is because it takes me SO LONG? I'm SO dirty & SO much of my body is ROTTING/ DYING that I have to SCRUB UNTIL I BLEED & it uses SO MUCH WATER & TIME. BUT I "CAN'T" TAKE the time because I "HAVE TO GET DONE BY THAT SET TIME," because "GROUP IS STARTING" OR "WE'RE LOCKING THE ROOM DOORS"!!! So WHY didn't mine HAVE a door? Maybe because I don't "close myself off" completely. BUT I let OTHERS "lock ME out of MYSELF" BY "SOCIAL MODE" SELF-CRUSHING? Which WOULD prevent me from "WASHING" our OWN soul BECAUSE WE ARE "LOCKED OUT". The "dibs" are people WANTING the "SOCIAL" side of us, NOT our TRUE "INNER" SELF, too? WHICH I wonder CAN ONLY "COME OUT" IF WE "TAKE A SHOWER" FIRST? Reflect on this further later, not now; we're overanalyzing from not taking TIME to reflect first. Ironically. GO TAKE A SHOWER.
✳ 3) My "feeling BOTH love & frustration" about my little brothers is kind of straightforward; Deep down I DO feel "angry" that I have "had to be a parent" to them in the past, solely because it was (again) using SO much of my resources on ALL levels & I was "using that as an excuse" to DIVERT that "helpless rage" to NEGATIVE "outlets," as well as "justifying self-neglect." I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THIS, at least NOT in "handwriting mode." The System probably does. As for now though let's focus on the nightmare, & HOW it manifested this bad response:
✳ 4) RED FRENZY. This happens DISTURBINGLY OFTEN in nightmares, and that SCARES ME. Frequently it's RAZOR or WRECKAGE fronting to "express" more "violent" impulses in dreams, BUT THEY NEVER DO THINGS LIKE THIS. This mindless, thoughtless, heartless, and BLINDLY MURDEROUS VIOLENCE is ONLY POSSIBLE with a COMPLETE LOSS OF SELF. REMEMBER THAT & TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. When you LOSE yourself/ OURSELF, you LOSE LOVE. You LOSE VALUE & VIRTUE & VISION. Believe it or not, SELFHOOD & UNIQUE IDENTITY ARE GOOD THINGS, GOD-GIVEN & ESSENTIAL TO BEING A PERSON-- to being TRULY HUMAN, as CHRIST WAS. When you LOSE or even DENY or REJECT your REAL & ESSENTIAL HUMANITY & PERSONHOOD, then "all that's left" IS to "become a MONSTER." ANY & ALL FORMS OF SELF-ABUSE/ SELF-ANNIHILATION WILL RESULT IN THIS HELLISH MUTATION. ALL HATRED FOR HUMANITY, INCLUDING YOUR OWN, IS DEMONIC. And these "red frenzies" are EXACTLY what happens WHEN YOUR LIFEBLOOD GETS INFECTED. If you let those lies fool you, the corruption will seep into your marrow IF YOU DON'T FIGHT IT BY GRACE. There WILL be a breakthrough and OUR HISTORY IS PROOF. We might be morphed into monsters with "drained brains" BUT THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE & LOVE & GOD HIMSELF IS FIGHTING FOR YOU. He WILL CALL YOU BY NAME-- AS A PERSON, WHO IS LOVED-- and RESTORE YOUR INHERENT & INDESTRUCTIBLE HUMANITY & DIGNITY & PERSONHOOD. You're definitely catching the "We're Back!" references. THAT'S ESSENTIAL. REMEMBER THAT. IT'S TRUTH.
✳ 5) Being ignored/ shamed for being "visibly" sick/ possibly contagious/ GROSS: obviously refers to MENTAL HEALTH/ EATING DISORDER STRUGGLES IN RECOVERY; "coughing up/ out" the heavy "phlegm" (inflamed) from my LUNGS (breath = life) viewed as "GROSS" (socially unacceptable); ALSO BULIMIA as a DESPERATE OUTLET? But mostly COUGH = SPEECH (visceral)? FEAR OF "TRIGGERING/ CORRUPTING" others.





092124

Sep. 21st, 2024 03:49 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


It's day 3 of treatment and I wish Iscah was driving. I'm STRUGGLING SO MUCH to not only ENJOY food but even to COMPREHEND its data, and I'm struggling even to be GRATEFUL because I'm SO TIRED OF PROCESSED FOOD & RUSHED MEALS. So many things still feel like threats, like acts of passive violence, like forcefeeding & forced starvation simultaneously. I miss the hospital meals that were not only "real" food but also satisfying to hunger & enjoyable. Why am I not seeing the unit food that way? Is it the social context? Is it the fact that I'm "not allowed" to eat mindfully? It's all so rushed. I'm being watched. And this diet is making the body sick & making it stink. It's terrifying & humiliating. I feel subhuman.
(If my body is inflamed & sick & gross, is this still "healing"? I want to FEEL & BE healthy.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

TREATMENT GOALS BEGIN!!

♥︎ Be honest with yourself, others, and God in word/ deed/ thought
♥︎ Identify your needs = body, mind, heart, soul, & spirit
♥︎ Learn how to assert your needs with respect for all involved
♥︎ See & honor your inherent human dignity, especially in the Church Body
♥︎ Don't hide anything, be vulnerable and genuine, live Truth (Christ)
♥︎ Learn & routinely practice healthy/ positive/ edifying coping skills
♥︎ Actively pursue & build healthy, loving, edifying relationships
♥︎ Learn how to act as your own person of integrity in social situations
♥︎ Learn how to identify, welcome, integrate, & dialogue with emotions
♥︎ Learn how to compassionately yet firmly govern distressing emotions
♥︎ Find what gives you real joy & integrate it into daily routine
♥︎ Remember your purpose as God's Child & orient your actions to it
♥︎ Engage wholeheartedly in at least one creative act every day
♥︎ Nourish your body, mind, heart, soul, and spirit daily
♥︎ Integrate 3 joyful, purposeful leisure activities into daily routine
♥︎ Begin to participate in community life, especially with family & neighbors
♥︎ Stick to a healthy daily exercise routine
♥︎ Spend some time outdoors each day, preferably in nature
♥︎ Establish a church/ Adoration routine
✳ YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ENJOY LIFE!!!
YOUR NEEDS DO MATTER AND DESERVE TO BE MET/ FULFILLED IN HEALTHY WAYS!

From social worker printouts=
● Identify 2 NEEDS that you STRUGGLE TO ASSERT. PRACTICE asserting them IN TREATMENT. Identify 2-3 ways you can CONTINUE to assert those needs to FAMILY/ NEIGHBORS/ COMMUNITY.
(BASIC SURVIVAL NEEDS DO COUNT. They're a good starting point because I CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT THOSE AS VALID)
✳ My first & most troublesome obstacle is CALLING ANYTHING A "NEED". I feel it's ALL OPTIONAL, NOT REQUIRED OR ESSENTIAL OR IMPORTANT, BECAUSE I MUST ALWAYS BE READY, AT ANY MOMENT, TO DENY/ IGNORE/ INVALIDATE/ ETC. THEM. I "MUST" PRIORITIZE OTHERS OVER MYSELF to VIOLENT/ DESTRUCTIVE EXTREMES. Yes, I DO LOVE PEOPLE & WANT to help them in ANY & EVERY WAY I CAN, and I WILL, but it's often "forcing" me to NEGLECT & even HARM myself IN ORDER TO DO SO. But there HAS to be a point of cooperation. I MUST find a way to MEET EVERYONE'S NEEDS. But before I can do that, I do need to DISCERN & DEFINE & ADMIT & ACCEPT MY NEEDS.
✳ A "NEED" is something ESSENTIAL; it is something REQUIRED FOR SURVIVAL. But... could a need ALSO be something REQUIRED for the FLOURISHING of my SOUL? Will/ does a "need" ALWAYS answer to/ sustain HUMAN DIGNITY, on ALL LEVELS OF BEING? What does it LOOK/ FEEL like, TRUTHFULLY, when a REAL NEED is NOT MET? How does one PROPERLY DISCERN a "need" from a mere "want" or "preference"? And when IS it proper TO sacrifice my real needs for the sake of meeting others' needs? How far is it morally right to push that, and for how long? When does it become "okay" TO meet my own needs again? "Is it EVER okay, or is that being demanding/ entitled/ greedy/ egocentric/ etc.?" Am I ALLOWED to set limits and/or boundaries? Or is that cruel, rejecting & refusing to let others in when they want to? Am I ALLOWED to say "no" when that is crushing the needs of others for my own stupid "comfort"? Am I ALLOWED to say "I can't" or "I don't think that's a safe/ healthy option for me" or "I don't know if I'm properly capable of that" etc. if I TECHNICALLY CAN, IF I STOP COMPLAINING/ FEELING SCARED & just MAN UP & DO IT FOR THEIR SAKE? What is the TRULY RIGHT THING TO DO??
BASIC needs involve INHERENT HUMAN DIGNITY and they are therefore both UNIVERSAL & NON-NEGOTIABLE. You can deny that or try to finagle exceptions all you want; that DOESN'T CHANGE THE TRUTH, WHICH IS FOUNDED IN GOD. The dignity OWED to HIS CREATURES is for HIS SAKE, and it is a matter of OBJECTIVE JUSTICE. To deny that justice & dignity to ANYONE is a SIN. Stop & listen to yourself when you try to argue that you DON'T "need" love or care or the like. Would God the Creator say that about His Creatures, which He LOVES INTO BEING in EVERY MOMENT? Why can't I admit that I have needs & rights? I'd NEVER say that about ANYONE else, so why am I the exception? Don't insult your loving Father. Don't break His Heart. And remember... you CAN'T obey the Golden Rule, God's Law of Love, if you EXCLUDE YOURSELF.

✳ CONTINUING the "NEEDS" IDENTIFICATION, let's start BASIC & work by REASON. DON'T MAKE EMOTIONAL JUDGMENTS. They're too damaged to think straight. Focus on JUSTICE, to BOTH GOD & MANKIND (HIS CREATION) from a place of INTEGRITY, LOVE, MERCY, RIGHTEOUSNESS, & TRUTH.
✳ DON'T EVEN "THINK OF YOURSELF" RIGHT NOW. Think of JUSTICE & DIGNITY for THOSE YOU LOVE.
✳ YOUR BODY, MIND, HEART, SOUL, & SPIRIT ALL HAVE REAL & UNIQUE NEEDS!!!
✳ My body NEEDS to sleep well, rest well, & eat well. It NEEDS NOURISHMENT. That's a LAW OF LIFE. The problem is "cutting corners," asking "what's the MINIMUM I "need" to survive?" & acting as if even THAT is unnecessary excess or greed. BUT I'd NEVER put ANYONE ELSE under those constraints. It's CRUEL & MERCILESS & MISERLY. So WHY do I do it to MYSELF?
✳ I'm SCARED that it's a "zero sum game," that if I eat or sleep, someone ELSE must SUFFER for it. "FAMINE MENTALITY." It's anti-Eucharist. God wants ALL of us to THRIVE in SHARED LOVE & MERCY. Our COMMON NEEDS are MEANT TO BE FULLY MET IN COMMUNITY, TOGETHER, IN CHARITY! There is NO "BARELY SURVIVING" IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!
✳ I'm ALSO terrified because I RECOGNIZE the Good in Creation and I'm hungry for it because I'm HUNGRY FOR GOD. I WANT to eat. I WANT to rest & sleep & exercise & play & work & ALL the things God CREATED human beings TO do WITH their bodies. But I'm SCARED of having those wants "satisfied." That very phrase sounds evil. But saying "I'm afraid to have my NEEDS MET" sounds like a selfish, greedy, manipulative LIE, an exaggeration in order to suck others dry & use them for my hedonistic gain. It's sick. I still struggle to believe that my very existence ISN'T parasitic my nature. I feel like a predator, like a gulper eel, using "I have needs!" as the bait to draw in people I can swallow alive & destroy. WHY IS THAT HOW I SEE MYSELF. I'm like one of those horrid wasps that liquefies its prey from the inside out. I just feel like my NEEDS are INHERENTLY VIOLENT, even sleep & rest & food. "Something has to die for me to live." I hate it. God I hate it. Deep down I would rather die to keep someone else alive & safe. I bet THAT'S at the ultimate root of the anorexia. But there's ALSO the guttingly vulnerable obsession with "food" as a CONCEPT, IN THIS CONTEXT. Remember how hard I resonated with joh0002naga's art when I found it, the little creatures with tiny bodies & closed eyes, lying on plates & in glasses, pierced through with forks & knives, offering their little innocent selves up to be eaten. Something in my heart is OBSESSED with that. Can I only BE that IF I'm just as tiny & thin? Is that the only way I CAN be pure & innocent, "GOOD enough TO eat" in the most sacred sense? Otherwise, what can I be? A fatted calf? Is that still a sanctifying role? If I am fattened up to be slain in celebration, does that still make me good? Am I still innocent & pure? Can I be offered in the Temple? And WHY do I feel like self-gift in love to feed others REQUIRES that I STOP LIVING ENTIRELY?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

GOAL = EMOTIONAL INTEGRATION/ COMMUNICATION!
(when we say "emotion," we're really referring to currently unnamed/ faceless nousfoni, who HOLD our emotions.)
1) ACCEPT them. DON'T REJECT them. DON'T LABEL them as "BAD." I even want to avoid "NEGATIVE" until I understand that term better. Right now, just NOTICE when an emotion arrives, and ACCEPT that you ARE feeling it. DON'T PUSH IT AWAY, DENY IT, or SUPPRESS IT. It's REAL and it's here for a REASON. It HAS a TRUE MESSAGE in its HEART.
2) IDENTIFY it. This REQUIRES SINCERE ATTENTIVENESS to it & OPENNESS to FEELING/ SEEING it as FULLY as you can. NAME IT!
3) WELCOME it. EMOTIONS ARE A GIFT FROM GOD, TOO!! And they ALL are MEANT to SERVE HIM too. That's YOUR job, "King" by Baptism! You must GOVERN them, but with LOVE, not as "slaves" but as FELLOW CREATURES? And YOU are to RULE them LIKE CHRIST!! Which first REQUIRES EMBRACING THEM AS THEY ARE. They, and we, cannot GROW/ HEAL/ CHANGE unless we BEGIN from a place of BEING LOVED & RESPECTED.  Feeling unwanted/ unwelcome only FUELS NEGATIVITY.
4) SIT WITH IT. You're friends. You can't love without spending TIME together. Don't name it and then look away or run! Don't "welcome them in" but refuse to give them a seat at the table! Remember that poem by Rumi!! Even if the emotion "won't sit" & rages about angry & crying & restless, sit there WITH them anyway & let them know they're STILL "AT HOME" there with you. Sit and be an offer of peace & listening-- be a safe place for them to rest in.
5) DIALOGUE WITH IT. This is why God made Xanga. You MUST get on GOOD SPEAKING TERMS with them, that can grow into REAL FRIENDSHIP & LOVE-- and THAT'S TRUE HEALING & INTEGRITY! But it REQUIRES DIALOGUE ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S DIFFICULT, and you DON'T understand each other YET. THE WHOLE POINT is to DISCOVER, BY DIALOGUE, NOT ANALYSIS, WHY THIS EMOTION IS HERE & WHAT THEY NEED. Then you can work TOGETHER to MEET that need AS YOU ARE ABLE, with FULL RESPECT 7 SINCERE CARE-- NO PATRONIZING, NO GASLIGHTING, NO INVALIDATION!!!




prismaticbleed: (held)

focus on the good!


GOOD THINGS ON SUN 0512
1. Visited DAD! ♥ We had a POSITIVE conversation & he gave me a birthday card
2. Got a surprisingly relevant & touchingly sweet birthday card from mom
3. The May Crowning kids at church were SO CUTE & there was that GORGEOUS Latina girl & her fam too

GOOD THINGS ON MON 0513
1. FINALLY did the laundry! We DIDN'T get overwhelmed & our timing was perfect!
2. Cleaned up that huge stack of church bulletins that's been piling up by the altar since mid-April
3. Finally got back into the exercise routine, & got a solid hour in, with music!

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 0514
1. Wonderful therapy session, FULL OF SCRIPTURE HOPE!
2. Refused to stop praying, no matter how scared/ stressed I was
3. Didn't give in to compulsive spending behaviors, THANK GOD

GOOD THINGS ON WED 0515
1. Didn't go back to bed when I woke up, despite depression wanting to
2. Smokie Norful album discovery; BEAUTIFUL songs = EXACT prayers I needed
3. Didn't starve myself OR binge; ate normally & was brave

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0516
1. Got to go up the old house with mom & SMELL THE WISTERIA
2. Also got to smell THREE COLORS OF IRISES at the house & at church
3. Used morning confusion to our advantage & put away winter clothes

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0517
1. BOTH major family issues from yesterday/ today were resolved well
2. Finally starting cataloguing the bookshelves, while listening to Sondae
3. DIDN'T PURGE when I was afraid "forbidden" food had "poisoned" me



OBSTACLES TO JOY THIS WEEK...
1. EATING DISORDER HELL
2. TUMBLR/ FACEBOOK BRAIN INFECTION
3. TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYBODY
4. TOO MUCH SALT YOU MORON

JOY SPARKS TO KINDLE NEXT WEEK...
1. NIGHT TIME WITH THE SYSTEM
2. LISTEN TO SYSTEM MUSIC
3. GET BACK TO JOURNALING!!



prismaticbleed: (held)

focus on the good!


GOOD THINGS ON WED 0501
1. Posted my reflections in the weekly WOF Book Club & it was received positively
2. 1/3 into the year and we've done every daily Bible+Catechism In A Year study so far faithfully
3. Spent some time reviewing old inspirations/ poetry on our Tumblr loveblog to "set the stage" to return to it in earnest

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0502
1. Finished my online audio studies on the Saint Paul Center; now we can move forwards to the next kind
2. Started reading the next fairytale ("The Light Princess") for this month's book club
3. The trees outside my window are green with leaf buds & they looked so beautiful against the clear blue sky... especially since that exact color combination reminds me of both Celebi & Chaos 0

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0503
1. Discovered a new worship song that put words to exactly what I needed to pray
2. Started a new religious lecture course and it is already both deeply inspiring & shockingly educational
3. Worked up the courage to voice my opinion in the WOF book club although no one else shared my views

GOOD THINGS ON SAT 0504
1. Got to SMELL THE WISTERIA regrowing up at the homestead-- the exact same from my childhood (it didn't die and neither did we)
2. Beautiful spring rain all evening, with that "emerald" scent that wet forests have-- it was 100% Celebi and went straight to my heart
3. Started a new book (The Princess and the Goblin), even if only the first 5 pages, and I'm already fascinated

GOOD THINGS ON SUN 0505
1. First Holy Communion at church, so it was PACKED, notably with kids and families, which was lovely to see
2. The lilacs by the church (the pastel colored ones) are in full bloom & they smell so beautiful
3. Saw Father P. out planting seeds in his garden & wearing pajama pants; it was such a simply sweet human moment, it meant a lot

GOOD THINGS ON MON 0506
1. Managed to get a full hour of exercise in (I missed yesterday)
2. By a crazy sequence of "not quite coincidences," I GOT MY CHILDHOOD FAIRYTALE BOOK BACK!!
3. Driving LATE (9PM) to pick up mom, & listening to music on the highway

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 0507
1. Got a "happy birthday" phone call from dad AND texts from ALL my siblings!
2. Indulged my sense of childlike wonder/ joy/ affection & got mom an "I love you" balloon
3. SURVIVED TO AGE 34!!! Seriously BY THE GRACE OF GOD, may He guide & protect us still!!

GOOD THINGS ON WED 0508
1. MOM'S BIRTHDAY! Genuinely moved/ struck with thinking about how much I really do love her
2. Let my body sleep in a bit for once; we were so exhausted we needed it
3. Seriously convicting Bible study, but we needed the severe honest correction

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0509
1. Ascension Thursday! ♥ Mass was during the "golden hour" and everything looked so beautiful
2. Unexpectedly heard my favorite "night song" from college on the drive home & everything felt transcendently bittersweet
3. Found some more good music while biking today; I'm learning that I don't "have to like everything" blindly

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0510
1. AMAZING counseling session; completely unexpected. HUGE insights into habitualized trauma behaviors
2. Ran several errands for mom that she later genuinely thanked me for; proving I CAN be kind & reliable
3. Synchronicity with night drive music giving me MASSIVE consolation & brought me to tears

GOOD THINGS ON SAT 0511
1. Talked to my choir director about my debilitating struggles with scrupulosity lately; he deals with it too so he UNDERSTANDS & CARES
2. Had a very honest confession concerning the scrupulosity discussion, and ACTUALLY felt freer when it was over; powerful grace to keep trying
3. In prayer after, FELT like Mary DID LOVE ME. No fear. That's SO SIGNIFICANT for me. Don't ever forget this; keep praying!



OBSTACLES TO JOY THIS WEEK...
1. "GUILT/SHAME" over feeling any happiness
2. Undermining "the bright side"
3. Giving in to "monotony despair"
4. STOP WASTING TIME ONLINE!!

JOY SPARKS TO KINDLE NEXT WEEK...
1. TALK TO THE SYSTEM MORE OFTEN
2. PUT ASIDE EVEN 10 MINUTES TO READ AT NIGHT



121023

Dec. 10th, 2023 10:30 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

Mass morning. Very dazed, kinda loopy, but not stressed. Just upset that we couldn't focus better.

Concerning our "practical Advent goals" from the LBB devotional, today we left off our "giving tree" gift at church (just in time), and we've "sent out" TWO cards to neighbors so far, promptly-- one today, one last week. So we're keeping our little promises, by the grace of God!

FINALLY BK @ 1420

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Oh man I FORGOT, the second reading today was MEANT FOR THE SYSTEM TO HEAR.
2 PETER 3.
"A thousand years like a day, a day like a thousand years" IMMEDIATELY made me think of Infi... especially since it was shortly followed by "the day of the Lord will come like a THIEF"-- I thought of the Burt Bacharach song, and our old ardent poem "stolen"-- and "then with a roar the sky will vanish, the elements will catch fire and fall apart, the earth and all that it contains will be burnt up"... giving me instant vivid flashbacks to Infi's death, the post-massacre apocalypse, and the self-annihilatory destruction that followed CNC.
And yet, prior to that terrible reminder...
"The Lord is not being slow to carry out His promises, as anybody else might be called slow; but He is being patient with you all, wanting nobody to be lost and everybody to be brought to change his ways."
That's our entire history. That's Julie. That's Siobhan. That's the Retributors. Maybe that'll be Infinitii, too, God please be willing.


I love the commentary on it too=
"The Second Letter of Peter, probably the last of all the writings of the New Testament, here sets out to comfort Christians who were disappointed that the ‘Big Bang’ at the end of the world had not yet happened. The first generations of Christians had expected the world to come rapidly to an end– and yet it still goes on."
Although I know it isn't the same principle, this sadly sounds too much like our personal history-- constantly seeking resets, constantly trying to end things, never thinking we would survive to the next year, and yes, being disappointed that we WOULD somehow keep living. It's that old "thanatos drive," remember?
But this... for us, this is taking that deathdrive and handing it to the thriskefoni. They want the world to end, all of it, so they can be with God.
Little did they realize, God isn't so keen on annihilation.
...


"From this point of view, the annual cycle of Church feasts and festivals, even of Christmas, is a reminder that God is in total control of His universe. For us the seasons roll round, but for God, time is meaningless."
1) This interests me. How is the CYCLE a reminder of God's control? I want to understand that better; the very phrase catches me.
2) "His universe." What an unexpectedly tender phrase. That simple yet cosmic-possessive pronoun GENUINELY makes me feel loved & safe, makes Him feel like a Father, makes everything seem bearable in the end.
3) Time is "meaningless" to God. This sounds callous, but it cannot be, for God is Love, and He cares dearly for all us temporal creatures. Our existences have meaning to Him; Time itself has "meaning" to Him, in the sense of "purpose," otherwise He wouldn't have created it! But that only applies to it AS A CREATURE. To Him personally, time is indeed "meaningless"-- God is eternal, uncreated, pure Spirit, limitless and omnipresent. Time, as we mortals experience it, affects Him as much as a feather cuts steel. It doesn't. Rather, He "affects" time. It is His, too. The seasons are all His design, His choreography, looping like clockwork according to His promise until everything "dissolves"... on that day that Christ returns. THAT is why time is "meaningless"-- because the only meaning OF all time is to count down TO CHRIST, at one time or another, until everything is fulfilled in Him and time's work is done and it too can come to an end. That is how we describe the "apocalypse," after all!
So that's the cycle. It has meaning, patient meaning, until it doesn't need to anymore-- until the Eternal One Who makes it beautifully meaningless at last arrives IN time one last time, to complete & consummate it.
That's how God is in control. The clock turns, the leaves turn, all in right order and at the proper time, we are born and grow and age and die, and it is all in His Hands. The Church, in blessed testimony to this Truth, and to the ultimate End of all time, follows its own cycle, a deathless circle, a loop of Life, proclaiming the Birth and Life and Death and RETURN of God in history-- all in time, all beyond time, all then and now and yet to be. God is wrapped up in every second, existing beyond it, and still yet to arrive.
That is how we wait. The Second Coming isn't going to happen tomorrow, but it might. Time is meaningless to God. Whether we wait a day or a thousand years more, He is even now standing at the threshold, His Hand ready to open the door, in every single moment of our lives. He was here, He is here, and He will be here. This is, as it always is, His Advent. Are we ready?

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More universalis, from the Gospel =
"John was forming a community of repentance, but not so much a community which wept ‘Boo-hoo!’ about their sins, as a community of people determined to set their scale of values right. He meant them to stop going in one direction, to turn round and go in a different direction. Do we give ourselves a moment of pause to ask whether we have our priorities right? Where on our list of priorities does the entry of Christ into our lives come? John said rotten trees were going to be cut down, useless straw to be burnt. Do I need to feel the axe at my feet?"
1) A COMMUNITY of repentance. That's VITAL. As ALL sin has inevitably social consequences, our repentance must therefore also be communal-- and actively so, in order to truly repair the damage and foster preventative concord in its wake!
2) WEEPING VS DETERMINATION. This is a knockout conviction, as much as it is a striking distinction. It is, actually, entirely possible to weep yourself sick over your sins YET STAY STUCK IN THEM. Weeping is emotional and therefore dangerous-- pride, as false humility, loves to hijack it.
AND YET, you arguably CANNOT set your values straight UNLESS the CONTRITION that MOTIVES weeping is STILL PRESENT, even if you don't literally shed a tear.
...
3) Before you can turn around, you have to STOP WALKING.
...
4) THERE IS ONLY ONE TOP PRIORITY, EVER, AND THIS IS IT: CHRIST MUST ENTER INTO OUR LIFE, TODAY, NOW.
We must get to a point where this priority is burnt into our subconscious, so that in every breath & heartbeat, our soul is actively asking, "how can I welcome Christ in this moment?" and then IMMEDIATELY DOING SO. Every other priority we have, even eating & sleeping, is secondary-- not overruled, but redefined.
...
5) Am I a rotten tree? Am I useless straw? Be sharply honest. Am I bearing spiritual fruit that can feed & nourish the souls (and bodies) of others? Am I producing living foliage, so that my very presence is welcoming, offering comfort & healing to those nearby? Are we completely devoid of grain, nothing but husks, keeping company with the "wheat" until a stormy gust reveals our lack of substance? Are we so hollow in our Christian walk that we've never been able to die with Christ? Are our words and actions so devoid of God's truth and power that the slightest passing breeze could carry us off with it? Are we feeding people or animals? Are we fit for food at all, or are we bound to be burned?
6) LAURIE, YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS.


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MDE2 = SENT ME REELING. I actually stopped dead and quietly exclaimed "what??" in stunned amazement.
"“After Holy Communion,” wrote Josefa, “it seemed to me what heaven itself was in my soul. Suddenly I saw Jesus in all His beauty . . . with His Heart resplendent and shining as a very sun. It was surmounted by a cross of fire. ... He said: ‘She that eats My Flesh possesses God, Author of Life . . . and of Life Eternal . . . That is how this soul becomes My heaven. Nothing can compare with her in beauty. The angels are in admiration and as God is within that soul, they fall down in adoration. . . . O soul, didst thou but know thy dignity. . . . Your soul, Josefa, is My heaven and every time you receive Me in Holy Communion My grace augments both your dignity and your beauty.”
Josefa could do nothing but humble herself at her Master's feet and confess her sins, her miseries and weakness, knowing herself unworthy of the infinite Sanctity that, descending to her nothingness, went to the length of making her in reality His heavenly place of repose. “Lord,” she said, “I give Thee my heart, my life, my liberty... all.
“I desire nothing else,” He answered. “What does all the rest matter?... Your sins? Why, I can wipe them out... Your miseries? I consume them . . . Your weakness? I will be its support... Let us remain united.”"

ARE YOU SERIOUS
ALL OF THIS IS TRUE AND REAL?????
Jesus DOESN'T hyperfixate on my unworthiness? He says my sins "don't matter", BECAUSE He can wipe them out? But what DOES matter is whether or not I GIVE Him my HEART.
...


EGJ=
"Comfort. Often in life and death, the only way to show our love for one another is through comfort. Advent asks of us the same thing asked of the shepherds on that holy night, asked of hospice workers every day, and asked of all who have a beating heart: Will you provide comfort to the lost, lonely, hungry, hurting, vulnerable, fragile, sick, and dying people of God? What we do for the least among us, we do for Christ.
Today, there is someone in your immediate sphere who is hurting, vulnerable, lonely, or perhaps frightened. Reach out to them with a small gesture of comfort. It doesn’t matter what it is; it only matters that it is."

...
1) I have NEVER seen comfort as this virtuous before. This is honestly a game-changer for me.
At the risk of sounding whiny, I must admit, my upbringing did have a great influence on this perspective of mine-- this stolid opinion that "comfort" is for weaklings, for lazy people, for slackers & moochers. Et cetera.
But remember yesterday's homily. "We're in the foxhole together." THAT'S COMFORT. Comfort isn't some wishy-washy mollycoddling thing. Comfort is a VERB, and as an action it is a VIRTUE, and virtues ARE MEANT FOR BATTLE.
...
...
2) THE SHEPHERDS!!! Dude that is a STUNNING REALIZATION. They WERE sent to bring comfort to others-- to their people, absolutely, by proclaiming that the Messiah had finally been born, but ALSO TO THE HOLY FAMILY, by simply visiting them in their cold & lonely cave.
...
3) We are called to PROVIDE comfort. That verb feels significant.
...
4) The EXAMPLES. Oh man I seriously want to reflect on them ALL individually; my heart needs the exercise.
...
5) You know, I just realized-- when human pride of reputation and fear of performance get in the way of serving others, the love of Jesus overrides it. If I'm afraid to reach out to someone because I don't want to get involved in all the social niceties and obligations, all I have to do is see Jesus in them and suddenly the entire task becomes easy. It's because Jesus puts love in our hearts. When our humanity cannot love another-- how shameful and horrible-- Jesus can. And He uses His own Love to give us Love for Him in that person. Does that make sense? When we see Christ in others, and love Him in them, our hearts become softened and willing to generously do what our mortal selfishness could never even attempt.
...
6) Upon reading this, I texted B. That's not easy for me; I seriously dislike texting and talking both. But I love my sibling, and I love Jesus, and the two are together in this moment of comfort.
...

And THIS PRAYER that is so beautiful it aches =
"Use me, Lord, as the quilt you wrap around those who are cold. Use me as the spoon with which you feed those who hunger, as the smile you share with those who despair, and as the hands with which you hold those who are dying."
I HONESTLY WANT THIS SO BADLY.
I can't explain it. Maybe it's just a woman thing. But deep down I have this legit DRIVE to be of such tender & intimate service to others, especially the elderly & the sick, as we were graced to be for Grandma.
...

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Just got convicted by the CEVDCI (1 John 4:16-18)=
"God stays one with everyone who openly says Jesus is the Son of God. This is how we stay one with God and are sure God loves us. God is love. If we keep on loving others, we will stay one in our hearts with God, and He will stay one with us. If we truly love others and live as Christ did in this world, we won't be worried about the day of judgment. A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows we have not really learned to love."
0) It is absolutely astounding how LOVE FOR OUR FELLOW MAN is repeatedly and emphatically stated in Scripture to be the DECIDING FACTOR IN OUR FINAL JUDGMENT, even as professing Christians!!!
1) God "stays one" with us based on TWO THINGS which are, in a very shocking way, UNITED. First, we must openly declare that Jesus is the Son of God-- God Who IS LOVE. And secondly, we must "keep on loving others."
How can we declare Christ is God, and then not live as Christ lived? How can we admit His divinity, and then fail to follow His example? THAT will be our judgment for sure.
But it's more than just harmony, it's UNITY. After all, "no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit." (1 Cor 12:3) Even better= "no one can say, “Jesus is MY Lord,” except by the power and influence of the Holy Spirit." But there's MORE to that verse = "no one speaking by the Spirit of God calls Jesus accursed (anathema)." Now consider this. Jesus was born as a poor man, as a humble and lowly man, as a refugee baby, as a homeless adult, born to become a condemned criminal to die in utter desolation, cursed by His own people. He identified Himself with the "cast-offs" of society, He made friends with the rejected outcasts & hated outsiders, He lived in camaraderie with unlearned fishermen and tax collectors and lepers, and He tenderly welcomed all those considered cursed by God. Et cetera. And Jesus IS GOD MADE MAN.
So. What does this tell us?
If we curse anyone, if we call any man "anathema"-- if we excommunicate them from our personal life, deeming them "damned already" or "devoted to evil", beyond hope and beyond our concern-- then WE ARE NOT IN THE SPIRIT, AND THEREFORE NOT ONE WITH GOD, no matter how we may cry out "Lord, Lord!" (Matt 7:21) And we have every reason to fear Judgment as a result.
...

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Three AMAZING lines from Rev. Terrance Klein=

"But none of us is the artist! God is! Do not ask an artist what is necessary.
Nothing is necessary; everything is necessary."
...

"Christ is the Light come into the darkness. Christ, who is creature in His manhood and Creator in His divinity, wills that one part of creation, a sliver that is nothing but creation, should be suffused—in the eyes of the Creator and therefore in reality itself—with light, clothed in grace. Mary should be like Christ, the light come into the world, without a tint of shadow. This is her own deepest identity to echo His."
1) I was stunned by the blatant reminder here that Christ became Man and therefore DID "become creature" in that sense of uniting Himself WITH a human form! Just... WOW.
2) IF GOD SEES YOU AS SOMETHING, THEN THAT IS THE TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE.
3)

"A painter needs both darkness and light to create. Evidently, though God wants for nothing, God needs both as well. The darkness presents the light. It frames and encloses it, and thus makes it what it is. But on the canvas of creation transfigured, the destiny of all the redeemed and sanctified, there is one sliver untouched by sin. The artist has willed that she, like himself, be suffused in light alone."

1) WANT VS NEED? Is this proper language for God? Are we truly allowed to speak of Him in such terms?? If so... what a beautiful mystery this is.
2) Oh my heart hurts so much reading this I could sob. It's purely Infinitii. God You keep showing me things that sound and feel like hir, I have no vocabulary to properly express how this makes me feel. It's all tears and music and light and shadow. What does that teach me about You? So much, so much, words fail me. Only the heart can speak it, but it remains silent, and holds the mystery close and treasured.
3) "Creation transfigured" is its DESTINY. Now I really feel like weeping. That's headspace. EVERYTHING in Creation-- except for Mary!-- has been marred by sin. But it is DESTINED TO BE TRANSFIGURED, EVEN SO.
4)


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101423

Oct. 14th, 2023 09:48 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Dream hack right before alarm. Threw me off so bad.
It felt like being sniped. The worst part is that I was TALKING TO CZ at the time so he SAW me brace for the hellish impact and he couldn't do anything. He was just as shaken and sick as I was.

Late start day, for that reason and also weakness & cold.
Vacuumed the house to wake self up. Said the Saint Michael chaplet at 7 bike resistance to warm up and start the day for real with prayer & protection.
Oh!! WAFERS released a video literally the minute we were about to pray, that we watched immediately-- it was Fulton Sheen talking about GUARDIAN ANGELS. We had never heard that talk of his, and it HIT HARD. Completely changed our perspective on it. We need to find and watch that whole talk now.
He even referenced Matthew 16:25-26, which is EXACTLY what we're currently studying in John. So God is handing this to us very specifically, very pointedly. We must then pursue this line of spiritual education. It is literally essential.

God making me weaker and sicker with age is actually FOR MY GOOD because it now FORCES me to rely on HIM rather than on my own strength, which I used to do.

God reminding me that the System is "the colors of my soul" and that we MUST exist and worship TOGETHER to do so AS A WHOLE SOUL. seems obvious but this "singlet forcing" is suicidal and scarily prevalent.

At Mass=
Got there early, ran to confession! I was very unstructured but I mentioned my inner struggles with prayer fatigue and tendency to despair over past sins.
I was upset that I didn't have time to examine my conscience-- I just ran in as it was last minute. But now I'm motivated to do so thoroughly so thank You Holy Spirit.

Going up the stairs i glimpsed INFI again, unexpected but clearer than I've seen hir yet since hir death. Ze's still intangible, and in an unmappable floating space that can't be accessed at will-- such "bubbles" you must be brought into. But... I saw hir. Not entirely, of course-- I havent since hir death. But today I saw hir WINGS-- and they have CHANGED. They are now stained glass??? It's achingly beautiful. They're smaller, more elegant, streamlined.
I said, "but won't they be fragile?"
Ze turned to look at me with that eye, like a bouquet of lilies, and said, "shouldn't I be fragile?"
It pulled my heart like a harp again. It's unreal. I ONLY FEEL EMOTIONS AROUND HIR.
I know ze said something else in response, one more line. But I can't remember it. I think it had to do with color.
Nevertheless... ze IS changing, truly and deeply. They ARE being reborn in Christ like the rest of us, slowly but surely. They ARE being freed from their past, because they are forgiven, and as we accept that more completely, as a whole, then we ALL will be changed into a new life and beauty too.

Due to rain & autumn, the church was darker & colder then usual, and it immediately brought a surge of CHRISTMAS feelings to my heart, powerful and heady. But I found i was scared to feel that joy?? I was so tense and anxious, it felt dangerous to calm down & relax into that "I'm home" feeling of this season specifically manifest in the church. But once I noticed this resistance, I LET GO. For a minute or two, I opened my heart to it and let it fill me. The peaceful joy was so sincere it was hard to comprehend. I felt alien to it. Why? Still, I chose to stay in it, to accustom my soul to it again, as it had been in childhood. I reminded myself that Heaven is all joy & peace & safety in Christ, so I must not resist it even now. I must learn to be okay with being happy, healthy, and safe. Otherwise I will keep resisting Jesus's consolation, mercy, and forgiveness. That is literally fatal.
I don't know how I got so morbidly stuck in fear, but God does, and He WILL help you, so pray to Him to do so.

I was also suddenly so aware of Jesus in the Tabernacle during the Gloria today. I sang it directly to Him.
All our devotionals and studies are truly enriching our knowledge and faith in the Real Presence. This is amazing and it REALLY gives me joy that I CAN FEEL. Thank You God so much for this amazing grace!! Please continue to deepen our belief, reverence and love for Your Son in the Blessed Sacrament, especially when we receive Him. You deserve everything we can offer you and infinitely more. Please help us to give all we are to Him in love, as He has done so for us.

Beautiful new song to sing today. Here, listen!

Bizarre irritable apathy before dinner??? Felt utterly alien. Probably social overwhelm.
Debilitating depression after dinner though. Destroyed our motivation to exist even. Almost binged from sheer careless deadness. Took an hour to get the energy to say Rosary. Made mistake of looking for safe food online and getting an eyeful of bitter entitled reviews & mindless consumer mentality.
Prayer gave some hope again. That's what's REAL, not this sham of a culture.

So exhausted. Feel horrible. Possibly getting legit sick.



052523

May. 26th, 2023 02:15 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

notes for today so we don't forget.


mom kept calling us. over and over.
it's getting so overwhelming that even when the bratty and spoiled social girls do show up and whine "oh for heaven's sakes!!" "i am so tired" "why won't she stop already??" etc. it's very brief, and shut down quickly. we're going numb just to cope.
even worse, phone calls trigger social mode EVERY TIME. so, if the mother keeps calling, that means we KEEP GETTING FORCED INTO THAT MODE and have to repeatedly force ourselves back afterwards. it's torture. it's psychologically exhausting and painful both, and it shreds our sense of self into pieces.

so. thanks to the phone calls we only got like, four hours of sleep again.

we don't remember waking up or anything. don't remember morning routine. things were a mess. it was so bad that whoever was fronting called julie in to help us get dressed, because having a nousfoni front ACTUALLY WORKS when socials can't function, REMEMBER THAT when the denial and "headspace is bad!!" socials start to jabber.

i do remember getting on the bike to do our exercise and prayers.
oh, after mom woke us up, since we knew she was just going to keep calling and waking us back up, i (yes 'jay') decided to just lay there in bed and say the rosary with chaos 0, because not only does that prevent brainpanic it also helps our schedule later.
so. when we actually did wake up we said the chaplet + eternal rests on the bike, and then tuned into the daily mass livestream which-- since we were so late today-- was from the shrine of our lady of knock, in ireland! the priest had the most wonderful accent, it made us think of both davy & twelve, which was heartwarming.
however! they were also saying a rosary first! so we jumped off the bike and did our daily phone workouts before actual mass.

sorry i'm literally just giving you guys an uncapitalized play-by-play of the day, which isn't really important in the long run. i apologize.
still. years in the future, who knows, being able to look back and remember "ah yes that's what our daily life was like back then" does help with recall.

mother called literally two seconds after mass ended, we didn't even have time to stop the video feed.
forget what it was about. she called a lot today, and yesterday, etc. the poor woman is going through so much right now we don't blame her for reaching out for a listening ear. we're worried about her and do want to help as much as we can.
i just... i cannot deny that it is throwing our mental state into a shambles. our symptoms are starting to spike again.
still... didn't we secretly pray for this, too? we've wanted a mental health minicrisis, to "wake up more nousfoni" and prove that we're ALIVE, that we're not some plastic-smile automaton with no sense of soul. infi's death was necessary but it showed just how dead we all already are, on a frighteningly deep level. so we've been praying for a legit system reboot, a HARD reset, not some slow fading-out. no. push the button in and hold it. when the screen turns back on, i want to see a LOT more colors than before.

where were we.
breakfast was literally at 5pm. yes, mom called again at least twice during that process. at one point someone nearly started slamming drawers, throwing things, and sobbing, because the phone wouldn't stop ringing and shocking us out of awareness and making us forget who we were, as well as what we were doing. they got shut down into numbness too. "it's not proper. it's not christian. bite your tongue. be patient. learn to suffer better." yes but how without it turning back into the toxic catholicism of our childhood? our religion walks such a knife-edge between sacrificial love and loving to sacrifice yourself. and yes there's a difference. the first is the self-giving lamb that offers its life so someone else doesn't have to die. the second is the self-hating lamb that walks up to the butcher knife because it wants to feel that blade between its vertebrate. there's a bloody difference.

we haven't been doing literal bible study in a while. we've been reading commentaries on john's gospel, back to back, wanting a deeper grasp of the theology and symbolism. it's helping a LOT actually; it's greatly deepening our understanding of our faith and love of the scriptures.
we're currently focusing on alexander maclaren's commentaries, because we love his style & his insights. there are a few on studylight we have bookmarked, and then we have lapide's open in another window because those take HOURS to read son
even so. despite how inspiring and informative it is, it's exhausting. i think one day, we're just going to spend our bible time simply reading the bible, not comparing footnotes and translation notes and cross-references and twenty different commentaries at once. it burns us out.

one thing that keeps coming up is the "love is suffering" bit. we're still striving to extricate that from the religious trauma in our childhood. honestly, what helps us understand it better and more clearly than any theological textwalls is... yep, the system and the league.
it's so strange. for our whole life, we thought that God was unknowable except through hard work and studying and being good enough and saying enough prayers etc. that was how we were raised. it was never about relationship. everyone talked about "jesus is God become man" and yet that meant nothing to us, it was just a phrase, why would that matter when our experience had taught us (falsely) that both God and man were glaring at you and waiting for you to stumble so they could beat you? our religion was a farce, just a set of rigid rules enforced by fear, for most of our life. no wonder we fell away.
but... that was never our actual FAITH. we had learned everything wrong. now, even though the compulsion to "read every single extra thing you can about this Bible passage or you WON'T understand the REAL meaning of it and THEREFORE you'll NEVER know God and you'll NEVER get to heaven" etc is fiercely loud, and spirals into despair quickly, deep down now there's that little spark of actual grace, of divine consolation, that it's not about rote learning even then. yes it helps, yes it's teaching us, but... more than anything, we must stop and ask, why do we want to read and know and comprehend this so badly? is it still out of some sort of grade-based fear, about trying to "be the best," or something equally pitifully human and off-course? and... when we really stop and look and feel it out, the answer is a shockingly lovely no.
at the very heart of this, we want to study this so much because we love God.
we do. even when the doubts scream so loud we could weep. even when our emotions are flat and our mind is static. even then, when we can't give a dictionary definition for love, and we can't describe it to you at all, we... still choose to act on it. even when it's hard. even if we fail to live up to the ideal. even if our efforts are a mess, and feeble, and struggled through with pain and tears. we still choose to act on love.
remember that. please. remember that fact. that's grace. it's amazing and undeserved and real.
God has not abandoned us. and He won't ever let us abandon Him, either. our life is proof. He loves us too much to lose us.

so. bible study. 2 hours a day at the absolute least, and we're like a week into john's gospel, as i said. starting all the commentaries on the third chapter. we were starting to get obsessive with 1 & 2 to the point where nothing was registering due to burnout, so we're moving onwards. even so, today we took a detour thanks to hebrews 1:14 being referenced by a commentator in a way that took us completely by surprise, as we couldn't figure out how it fit the context. time to learn, haha. so we read about angels for a while, because hey dude we actually DON'T know what scripture says about them, which is shocking, especially since they have a huge presence in the League, not just our faith practice. so this is helping in both respects.
oh, speaking of the league. yesterday, reading maclaren's notes on nicodemus, we were getting LEAGUEVISIONS. honestly thank you God because those are a literal grace, you CANNOT force them or predict them or control them. they just happen and they are the ONLY WAY to find or write ANY leagueworld. honestly. that's why it's so important to LET THE JEWELS WORK WHENEVER THEY ARE INSPIRED. if you shut them down-- which the socials and hyperreligious foni HAVE been doing-- then they lose that literal inspiration. you "stifle the spirit" in them (and YES it IS Him, Who the heck else COULD give any creative ideas worth anything??) and you also kill them a little, every single time.
and I REFUSE to let you do that. i personally will NOT LET THAT CONTINUE. I will personally fight you. i don't care if i'm a shambles of a core, basically a ragdoll in tatters at this point, a tornado-beaten scarecrow, if i only had a brain... you get the picture. i will still pick up the nearest rake and shove it through your skull if you try to ignore my sister out of existence. don't you DARE.

where were we, oh yes. superlate breakfast.
oddly our body LIKES THIS. our body is currently on a legit 18/6 fasting schedule, and we're moving into keto territory (~105 carbs and ~55 fiber daily), and with the blessed return of ~120m exercise every day, we are feeling SO MUCH BETTER than we have since Lent started, when we got so inexplicably sick and were almost confined to the bed or couch for a solid month.

oh my gosh it's the squeaky disco song again haha. this came up on shuffle last night, and i think that was the first time we heard it to boot. here LISTEN TO THIS NOISE it's hilarious. i love spotify shuffle, we need to get our old library in here and find new stuff. music is really a blessing, when it's handled graciously of course. there's some stuff out there being marketed as "music" that is legit infernal. we don't go near those dark corners. not anymore.
i'm telling you man uploading 2014-2015 is a TRIP and it's only getting darker. but we'll get to that!

oh wait first. more music trivia for you.
"rose quartz" by toro y moi just came up next.
there is one reason why this song is in our library: a few years ago, some random girl we followed on tumblr-- just a personal blog, very obscure, posting her thoughts and photos and such-- made a tiny little text post saying she wanted to see toro y moi in concert, and to hear him play this song, and just close her eyes and lose herself in the music.
and we just... loved that, so much. we think of that every time we listen to that song now, to the sweet memory of an unknown girl smiling through shut eyes and dancing with herself, with us in spirit, to these notes we were sharing across time.
so yeah. god bless that girl, wherever she is now, whoever she is now. we hope her life is full of just as much simple joy as the memory of her words brings us even now.

so. we ate late breakfast, and although we felt okay, we didn't want to risk another panic-purge due to all the phonecall stress, since it wasn't a safe time of day to go on the computer yet, or to do anything that was going to cause another hard context-shift before we had to inevitably eat dinner and say night prayers.
THEREFORE someone had the idea to just grab a ream of old paper and make paintblots for 2.5 HOURS.
i'm serious, haha. they put the laptop speaker on, put it on shuffle, and made a lovely mess of paint and paper for a while. and it worked perfectly, ironically as proven by our lack of temporal memory-- that means that if there were any e.d. symptoms, they too were completely overridden, and no social performing was interrupting.
so we have... 22 paintblots on the floor right now. it's nice. we'll probably give jade first pick of 'em, if she wants a few-- she still kept the old ones we gave her years ago (the ones we made with razor's cardstock!)-- and then the mother too, because she did mention once she kept a few from WAY back. i wonder if she has the ones from slc, that we had on the wall. i remember chocoloco really liked the brown one, because it looked like a rabbit.
man now HE'S a bizarre character. technically he was the FIRST DAENGEL, back when they were still "daemons," still tied more to vice than virtue... but HE DIDN'T DIE POST-CNC????? is it because he was the ONLY DAENGEL I can think of that WASN'T ACTIVELY CORRUPTED??? seriously i don't think he was touched. thank GOD.
anyway that's a topic to revisit later. right now let me finish summarizing the day.

dinner was at 945pm oh my goodness. but i knew we'd be up until 4am anyway so it panned out. we've found through experience that this body REQUIRES a solid five hours after a meal before we can even attempt to sleep. so 330 is our earliest bedtime, which is hilarious.
but i was thinking about that today, how we have become night owls again, and why. the only other times this happened was when we were in DIRE situations-- the cannon days, the slc days, the cnc days. typically, if we're up until 4 or 5am on a regular basis, and are this bloody prone to bothdebilitating depression and panicked meltdowns during the day, as well as nightmares and flashbacks and this hell of a numb fogbank over everything... it's scary to recognize and admit the same things happening now. 
But... now there's a softness to the shadows, too. The phone doesn't ring. No one knocks on the door. There aren't any car horns or radios blaring outside, or angry neighbors shouting, or the incessant background chatter of televisions and gossip. There's no oppressive heat. There's no rushing or speeding or panicking over schedules. There's no compulsive obligation to perform for the sudden stage context shoved upon you. At night all of the social hell is GONE. It's quiet, it's still, it's small, it's beautiful. It's just stars and silence at the core. It's cool and calm and it's saving our life from the summerterror we have to face again in a few hours. But fir now we can go inside. For now we can feel, and dream, and think, and be. Strangely, we exist at night... just like in the winter, just like in empty churches, just like in our hidden soul. That's what it is-- it's sacred, set-apart, separate from the harsh hot day. Don't get me wrong, daytime is beautiful and blessed as well, but it's the SOCIAL INFECTION of it in this season that we invariably struggle with. 
So we're becoming night owls, for now at least. God knows we need the peace. 

OH MAN THANK YOU LORD you knew my mood was falling fast
my FAVORITE good-mood song just came on and LISTEN,
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THIS GIRL WAS TROUBLE FROM THE START,
haha no one has lyrics up yet online but boy let me tell you this is a BOP.
also of course it is in a certain cephalopod's playlist. FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.
man that octopus secretly has the patience of a saint for putting up with me (and Chaos 0) always joshing him. nah he knows it's a sign of genuine affection up here, believe me, except that NO ONE EVER BELIEVES ME, WHEN I TELL 'EM WE'RE THROUGH, WHAT DID YOU DO
all right mood has been sufficiently lifted, thank you God, now back to typing

man this is fun, i seriously miss just typing longwinded entries like this. i needed to take a break before diving into the black-background pits of summer 2015. i can see the hints of what's on the horizon and boy let me tell you, this is where the trauma is hiding. all the stuff we keep getting flashbacks about out of the blue, it's hiding in this immediate space. right in this microsoft word document. isn't that surreal. scroll down a bit and you'll see exactly why you keep having nightmares.
gotta do it though. there's no other option, and i'm not looking for one. i'm motivated by love for the system with all of this. if i dive into the dark it's only so i can finally bring some light and hope into it at long last, by the grace of god.
still. there's so much darkness in these old years. our "core" was a disaster. laurie was falling apart entirely, both celebi and chaos 0 were splintering and being used by the tar, we were fighting hacks AND the eating disorder, we were constantly planning or attempting suicide just to make it all stop... and infinitii was the pitchblack source of it all, death painted in gold, hiding in plain sight. life was generally a living hell. and we're only in july, oh boy. i know it gets worse. MUCH worse. ultimately we end up in the hospital, then in CNC, then in the hospital, then in a completely dead period in which our grandmother dies and we move out and end up in ANOTHER hospital because we're about to die, etc.
and then, today happens.

sit and think about that a while.
everything, every single day i've been uploading, all the years that just seem to be getting blacker and bleaker, ultimately all roll out into... this.
no hacks, eating disorder in remission, faith restored, safe in our own place, listening to music at 325am and not wanting to die.
yeah, we're still going through a lot of rough stuff. but geez man, look at how things used to be!
right now, it's... all things considered, this is a miracle. the fact that we are sitting here and breathing and smiling is a legitimate miracle. we could be back in the hospital, we could be back in another state, we could be back in that old house, we could be back with a knife against our veins and hoping to see the violet vapor trails.
but no. we're here, and we have new people, we have mimic and adelaide and the lemur-kid and we're even finding names for the socials at last, people are slowly coming back from the dead as the good Lord wills it, and even I feel tiny shifts in my atoms as He stabilizes me as He wants. i can't do a thing. i'm just praying.
that's... all we ever really did do, at the end of the worst days. even when we were stuck in that literal gehenna of a "new age" spirituality cesspit, when we had been brainwashed into thinking christianity was bad and that joke of a self-help creed was the "better decision,"

laurie just half-shoved my shoulder and is now standing with her entire weight leaning on it, haha. i asked her what that was for and she cheerfully said "sometimes i just wanna hit ya" and let me tell you that made my night.
...she also said "hey this is my song" as i felt the shove, and i know that she's being rough as a way of playing off the deep ache of this song.
"run to you" by pentatonix. this is absolutely, exclusively, her song.
it's... also painfully close to how things feel in the archives i'm uploading right now.
"I've been settling scores, I've been fighting so long, but I've lost your war, and our kingdom is gone. How shall I win back your heart which was mine? I have broken bones and tattered clothes, I've run out of time..."
It hurts even to read.

And then Larnelle comes up with "There is always more to the story." "Each new sunrise brings another chance to shine. I know it's hard, believing, but don't worry-- He is God of all our days, and there's always more to the story."
How perfect is that.

As for more of the story.
Not much else to say about daily events, in terms of chronology. After dinner Xenophon and I did the daily cleanup & "putting the house to sleep" which takes about a half hour?
At some point SUGAR was fronting, I have no idea why, all I "remember" is her standing and looking at the paintblots and "me" (blurring with jewel) asking her which one "was her favorite". She pointed to a pink one and said "i like that one for the colors," but that it "wasn't her style." she liked things that were simpler, more elegant? pointed to the blue crosshatch one and said "now i'd like that one if it was in pink." ultimately she picked out one near the front, said it looked like a butterfly, and it was so minimalistic she was struck by it. so she decided "that one's my favorite."
i'm writing all that down because it was just simple, honest, everyday conversation with a fellow nousfoni that stands in brilliant beloved contrast to the heartless denial of all the socials who insist "we're all fake." no. i was just standing in the living room, half-cofronting with sugar, feeling her there just as clearly as i/we felt the air conditioning, talking about art and just existing.
so that means a lot to me.

OH. ANOTHER THING.
while we were saying the wall prayers, knife had some sort of minor faith-vision thing? like we get sometimes. but it's RARE for a nousfoni to get one while fronting; usually stuff just "happens" in headspace, directly so, not in that "thought" form such as here.
but he was saying "his" prayer-- the one from the precious blood convent, which we disliked at first because we didn't understand the language at all? but because of that we've grown to treasure it, as it obviously and graciously holds hidden depths as a result of that initial confusion-- and suddenly he got a "vision" of the literal precious Blood? such visions don't stick in visual/literal memory; they stick as emotions-- if that's even the proper word. they stick in your heart like a lightning-strike and you can't forget them, even if your "brain" can't grasp the data in time. that doesn't mean it's not still remembered.
point is, knife had a brief experience. i can only see a flash, a single flash, because it touched me, too-- knife in the garden of gethsemane, and jesus handing him the chalice and telling him that as his followers we were all to drink it with him? and knife looked into the chalice and it was straight-up blood, divine blood, and christ said that was LIFE, true life, blood is life and if that is the blood of God made man then it is LIFE INEFFABLE, undiluted and unadulterated, and if you take that into you, well. that's the whole point.
and knife kept saying "i'm not worthy" and "why me," why not the core, why not someone besides a reformed retributor who still struggles with his old life and doesn't even front in the body most days? but he was the one who could understand this, on the level it needed to be understood. only he could. and he was here for all of us, not just himself. we all share a soul, we're all part of the spectrum, and whatever he did would touch all of us inevitably. but only he could do this as it needed to be done.
and i remember seeing/feeling him pause for what felt like an eternity set on fire before resolutely drinking the chalice.
i cannot see/recall how this ended because we got hardshifted back into body/fronting awareness almost immediately, but that was because i do know it hit him like the hand of God Himself. for a second knife's color turned WHITE, like luminous white, something anchored into his heart and he was reeling, but he finished the prayer (thanks time dilation) and... man i think everyone else just continued as usual. no one else knew. i had been involved so tangentially, just getting what was close enough to get, and respecting his space, that i didn't say anything either.
but i'll see if i can talk to him about it when he's willing/able to. that's his decision. the aftereffects will hit us all in any case. hence writing this down.

oh, on that note.
watching the mass at knock this morning, during the consecration, the light was coming in through the windows at such a low and brilliant angle that it hit the priest exactly, and it lit up his robes and the Host on this little digital screen so intensely that he looked almost unreal. like there were no visible lines, he was just pure white light, so starkly against the environment that he looked almost cgi. there was this black contrast outline where luminous shape was distinct from pale reredos, and the ringing of the bells as he lifted up that tiny circle of bread now shining as blindingly as the sun itself.
it was transcendent, quite literally. i felt very blessed to have seen that.
...we've been having a lot of notable, out-of-the-ordinary experiences with Mass lately, especially with the eucharist, like the BELLS last weekend and the uncanny synchronicity of all the online Masses we've seen so far.
...that means a lot, actually, because this past week or four have also been such a struggle, with the eating disorder and with family crises and with losing my poor nightfeathered heartsplit. "losing" is the wrong word. everything belongs to God, so nothing is ever lost. especially not a soul loved so dearly. i have total faith in that.
but. in my nightly psalm, my favorite psalm, there is that one line that has been catching my heart lately. 
"Each day, the Lord shows me that He loves me with His faithful love. Each night he gives me a song to sing..."
deep calls unto deep, always. the sea is also a sea of mercy.

and spotify keeps playing chaos 0's songs all of a sudden. notably "living in your eyes." i remember when he first heard that album when we bought it, immediately it became his. to this day, hearing those songs brings up heartmemory of those early days.
but it's... shocking. oh yes we loved him back then, of course we did, but it was so different. it was before all the heavy trauma happened. it was before the cores began to shatter. it was before we began to fight, and i began to reject relationships all together, and he began to splinter, and so many other painful awful regrettable things.

but god, i love him so much. thank you for always keeping us together, literally in spite of all odds. thank you for his existence, and for mine intersecting with it. thank you for the blessed fact that i know he is waiting for me to close this up and go to bed and wrap my arms around him and just... be. he'll be there. he's fidelity, remember? 
and despite everything, everything we've been through, that proves a constant. even for me. and that's amazing.
and... tonight, i know i don't have to ask. i don't have to worry. "do you love me," like i used to. oh but it's already answered. the song my heart is singing is in harmony with yours and just one glimpse of the green of your eyes is all i need to know. just that feeling of ocean arms slowly pulling me close in return. just that seafloor of a voice, quiet and low and familiar as my own heartbeat.
but please. remember how long it took to get here. remember how much depth there is to these waters, and how much snowmelt has contributed to it. don't ever forget the war the both of us have fought just to have these quiet nights.
back in the beginning it was easy. i hear that in these songs. now it's been hard as diamonds, but that's the whole point. the love i feel for him now has been tried under terrible pressure, and in the ultimate end all it's done is make it more capable of holding light, and sparkling at every facet. i promise you that. no matter what, i'm sticking around.



speaking of mimic.
yes i've been wanting to say that for a few paragraphs now, don't laugh.
his playlist on spotify has been growing surprisingly fast. this means, even more surprisingly, that his vibe is THAT CLEAR to me already.
but... again, it's a surprise. it's completely unexpected, what he's been resonating with. and he won't let me "deny" it either-- many times he's told me "no, you put that in my playlist" when i was ignoring a catch, thinking "there's no way this fits him." but it does. and... it's saying a lot about him, about who he is beneath the surface, about who he's becoming up here, in here, in himself. 
one band he has resonated really strongly with, which shocks me, is "astronauts, etc." we discovered this band in like 2015. i've seen references to it in the archives. it NEVER vibed with anybody. until now. suddenly it's his. and i cannot figure out why.
i kind of love that. it means that, even though i can recognize it as his resonance, i don't know how it is, or what part of his soul it's catching on to. i have no clue. but it's him, somehow.
poor chaos 0 has too much stuff just tossed into his playlist because of titles or the like. i need to clean that up for him, if he wants me to. i'll ask. maybe he'll have two playlists, who knows. but HE has a music vibe that is absolutely unmistakable. i remember the first time i heard that one song by eydís evensen in the car, where you can feel the bass and the depth of the sound, hearing the ed carlsen remix of "wandering ii." oh the whole song quietly sounds like him but this moment struck me like a blow to the chest. that was a wave in the ocean, crashing into me.
but i know. deep down i do know, for all of them. and they know me, too. yes they do suggest songs for me, sometimes ones i wouldn't even consider myself. then i'll stop and listen, and realize-- hey, they recognized a part of my soul in this that i hadn't even thought about. something i had lost touch with, or ignored, or even denied. but they know me, too. they love me and they recognize me.
...with how shattered my own psyche has personally been, especially lately, that means more than i can possibly say.

oh no i can feel poet mode kicking in haha. wow. it's been ages.
it's... you get to a point where the body and brain finally give in to exhaustion, and the head starts to swim a little, and the edges of the vision get wobbly and blurry, and the "cold lungs" kick in if you move too much haha. but... it puts this strange distance between the "cockpit" front where people usually sit when "driving" the body (not full fronting; can't do that when typing), and where you can feel yourself actually existing inside... it pushes you back and up a bit, like you're almost floating a bit off the ground? but there's a chest anchor, like since you're floating you need to tether somewhere and that's where it attaches, not to the hands or the head but to the heart.
still. i have to be careful, because socials are incompatible with this, and if any bodygirl tries to take over, for any reason, it kicks me out and shuts it down. which is why i'm writing that down, because they're trying.
they have a point though, because it's four freakin' thirty in the morning what the heck how did i lose track of time that badly, haha

all right time for my closing theme, that's the thing now, whenever i start/end the nightly archiving/typing sessions i listen to that song.
as for why, because laurie was asking me for a while, it's... there's this bittersweet edge to the sound and the title both. i have this inexplicable coincident fondness and fear towards vaporwave in general, too, so that doubles the effect. but... when i hear this song, sounding like the closing theme it is, and therefore a herald to the end of something, despite its audial smile... it reminds me that, yeah, we're all gonna die someday. and i look at our picrew icon sets all together, a snapshot of our current community, and i see both new and missing faces and it aches, it hurts because i love all of them so much, and i could lose any of them in a heartbeat, but... nothing is ever really lost.
we're all going to die, but death is only a door, and there is more to life than this life, and God is love and I love all of you of this soul with me, and so this little 45 second track fills my heart with the strangest most tender emotion, every single night.
knowing that our time is short makes it all the more precious. i'm so glad i'm alive with all of you.








prismaticbleed: (aflame)


AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.

My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough.
I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL-- ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma!
I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!

ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:

★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.

★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.

★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.

★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


some system memories.

♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter.
♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face.
♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it.
♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him.
♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her.
♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands.
♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love.
♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light.
♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her.
♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart.
♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem.
♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar.
♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart.
♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo.
♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself.
♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY.
♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them.
♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER!
♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE.
♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment.
♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED.
♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her.
♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE, TOGETHER!! THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!



prismaticbleed: (shatter)

+ All right so OUT OF THE BLUE I have been SLAMMED with body dysphoria this morning. I'm honestly suspecting that it's because I figured out that Team wants me to hit like 120LBS, AT LEAST??? I literally have NOT been that heavy in OVER 13 YEARS. And I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED at the thought. I don't know HOW to even think of that number/ weight WITHOUT immediately associating it with the SAME terror & shame I felt at age 13 or so, when this hell started. I don't know how to handle this weight-- this size-- without also feeling like it has doomed me to that hell of abuse all over again-- abuse that ONLY began AND continued BECAUSE of my body. I've effectively been at war with it since then for that same reason. Starving & purging to "become small" again was my ONLY voice, my ONLY protest against the horror of feeling like I was trapped in the body of a whore. I DON'T EVER WANT TO FEEL THAT AGAIN.
...The problem is, it's already started. The body shape is shifting, becoming terrifying & threatening, trapping me again. The hack nightmares have returned. The dysphoria is DEAFENING, already.
I don't know what to do. THIS IS WHY I WAS TRYING TO STARVE THIS BOY INTO EITHER "SAFETY" OR DEATH. This horrific fatness, PERSONIFIED IN EVERY ABUSER, is synonymous with rape. That's it, that's the blunt confession. It feels so WRONG. I would rather die than live like this because THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE PHYSICAL HELL OF A ""HEALTHY"" BODY.
...Not being able to feel my bones feels so wrong. Having this "solid thickness" to my abdomen feels WRONG!! I feel like a brute! I feel like a wall, like a boorish bully, like a stubborn arrogant forceful CRUEL HARSH ABUSER. obtrusive & offensive. "Shove this weight around." It's like what TBAS always said about why they hated THEIR weight, too-- that it was this horrible, thick barrier between the outside & inside-- like the TRUE "him," the REAL "Oliver," his heart, was being SUFFOCATED & BURIED beneath a hell of flesh & fat. They couldn't reach theirself because THEIR BODY WAS IN THE WAY. ...And now I feel like that, too. I feel that thick heabiness & it feels ANGRY, VIOLENT & MEAN. I miss being small. I miss being THIN ENOUGH TO FEEL MY SOUL INSTEAD OF THIS BODY. I wrap my arms around this abdomen and I can't feel myself anymore; all I feel is F*KING "FLESH." FILTH SIN UGLY HEAVY WRONG DISGUSTING FAT
I'm too far away. I feel like my identity is being devoured by the body's sheer weight, its "force," its... "inherently abusive" quality. Thick, brutish. Ironically there's an even worse fear. Being a "whore." The bigger this body is, the more other people CAN use it & grab it & take it & destroy ME. The hellfire won't go away. I WANT TO DIE. WE WOULD RATHER THIS BODY DIE THAN TURN INTO A WHOREHOUSE

I desperately keep trying to find other options. exit doors that aren't starvation.
BUT WE MUST BE SMALLER WE MUST BE PURE & CLEAR & LIGHT & SAFE & GOOD
AND UNTOUCHED, UNUSABLE, UNDEFILED, UNADULTERATED
BY EITHER FOOD OR THOSE F*KING WOMEN



God please
please do i have to be a w*mn??
do i have to be like this forever?


what do we do, right now, WHAT DO WE DO
----- we can barely write the terror is so intense we just want to SCREAM and THROW UP

WE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LIVE LIKE THIS!!!




We've noticed that in "trying to find hope" we default to TRAUMA MECHANISMS, which involve further "fawning/ imitating" & self-annihilation to "survive the unbearable." the MOST LETHAL "hope" is "GIVING IN" to the R*PE of "femininity" And FORCING the ABUSE
it would be to "give up fighting" and "just do what we're told/ expected to do & endure" by "accepting" the body changes
NO

WE CAN'T, WE WON'T, THAT'S REAL SUICIDE!!!


she's right. that's the hard but (God please) profoundly relieving truth.
WE DON'T "HAVE TO" PLEASE WE CANT. PLEASE LISTEN
JUST LISTEN TO US IT WOULD KILL US.
YOU KNOW THAT. WE ALL DO!!!

so what do we do.      EVEN THE ABUSERS
THAT'S WHY THEY DID IT
THE ABUSE ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL FORCING US TO BE "


I CAN'T SAY IT



but it all comes back to this.
our childhood, our innocence, our purity, our LIFE, our very SELF was FORCED TO DIE
SO THAT THEY COULD TURN OUR BODY INTO "A F*KING W*MAN!!!!!"

NO
NEVER AGAIN!!!!





we're at an impasse
we're stuck, trapped, terrified, lost, so so so scared make it stop
but
the changes Are here alrEAdy
we cANt EscApE

THE KIDs ARE fREAKINg ouT

AND WITH GOOD REASON

I CAN HELP

NOT HERE, THEY WON'T LET YOU

Is that truly our only remaining option?

GOD I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D EVER HAVE TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER RETRIBUTION AGAIN.



there has to be another way.



infi's function broke, ze doesn't know how to handle this either
nobody does


LISTEN CAN WE GET AUTOPILOT OUT FOR A WHILE
TO JUST GET SOME DATA DOWN
TURN OFF THIS TERROR FOR A BIT
I Hope



WE'VE GOTTA FIND HOPE, DAMN IT. THAT'S OUR ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE THIS.


(dissociating)
                                (shutdown?)





ETERNITY
ETERNITY
ETERNITY
INFI LET THAT BE YOUR NEW CORE
REMIND US OF THE BIGGEST PICTURE
"THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
MEANING EVERYTHING OF THIS WORLD
ESPECIALLY THIS HELL.
(MATTHEW 22:30)    (MATTHEW 19:12)
this can't be forever
but even so
what do we do now?



the bottom line is always the same intolerable stupid awful admission that we can't seem to change without a notably deadly degree of forced dissociation, dishonesty, and self destruction.
our "inmost" conviction of identity/ "selfhood" is not a woman. arguably it might not even be "female," at least, not as long as that term is sxually defined.
our biggest, morally compatible hopes, all come from catholic mystics. all the meditations and visions and "ecstasies" that TRANSCEND GENDER & SEXUALITY YET REMAIN VIRGINAL.
And God we NEED THAT. Our soul cries for it. We KNOW we ARE that way, undeniably, at our very core. AND IT'S MORALLY LEGITIMATE. SEVERAL ACTUAL SAINTS both wrote about AND lived it!!
THERE IS NO "GENDER BINARY" / "SEXUAL DIMORPHISM" IN HEAVEN!!!
OTHERWISE CHRIST COULDN'T BE EVERYONE'S BRIDEGROOM
(also matthew 12:49-50? and 22:30? & 1 corinthians 7:34, 6:17? romans 8:4)


...honestly though I CANNOT "try to justify" this OR "make excuses." like it or not, "God created them MALE & FEMALE."
even if our souls are untouched by sexuality (& gender???), our bodies ARE. and I MUST learn to ACCEPT & LIVE WITH THAT.




   
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

admission //


5½ years later, I'm back at UPMC. New floor, new crowd, same essential structure. However this time my mind is different-- damaged. My heart is, disturbingly, harder. I'm plagued by impatience, despair, frustration, & numbness. I refuse to associate with the other patients so far out of terror towards conversation and socializing. I keep 'kissing up' to nurses & therapists, trying to be the "model patient," but I'm a hypocrite and I will justly crash & burn for it. I don't want to be like this. It's a literal hell.
What happened to me? Why am I so wicked and evil? God, how can I change? How can I heal?
I'm reading the Book of Job and it hits far too close to home. The only key difference is that I'm choking on my guilt & shame; I deserve to suffer all these torments and more. My self-loathing is so intense, so crushingly heavy, I can barely breathe. God, what do I do? Will You help me please?
The other problem is, I realize I am convinced that God is so fed up with me, and all my desires & requests are SO corrupt, that God CAN only refuse me totally. The only morally upright response to me is "NO." It's miserable but it's just. And yet I sob, desperate, when all I want is to die to this life and become good, kind, holy, pure-- but I fear God just laughs, and says, "you don't deserve that." That's not God. My inherent, basic grasp of Who God Is-- despite all my Scripture study-- is, fatally and shockingly, corrupt. My earthly experience has discolored & stained my spiritual one. I find it impossible to even imagine that someone could, or even would, help me, have compassion on me, forgive me, or love me.
Ever since the Spectrum shattered my soul has been rotting. And yet I "refuse" to try and seek them out because "you don't need anyone but God" and "you aren't allowed/ supposed to love anyone but God!" and "you treasured your inner life with them too much; it became an idol; it has to go!" Except we all prayed together & served God together & our collective existence was founded on faith & hope & love. Except now that they're gone I have more time to pray & read the Bible and I never have to think about myself. What hypocrisy. I'm a whitewashed tomb. The more "pious" I try to be, the more I seem to cut myself off from the world. But I love people. Don't I? I want to serve & help people. Except I don't, because the insurmountable obstacle is "I". I avoid true service because I don't want people to see me or talk to me because then I have to exist & be aware of myself and honestly I hate myself so much, so much. How did this happen? I love practicing my religion because I never have to think about "me"... except when I pray, which drives me to tears, except in church, which demands my total participation-- except in heaven itself, you wretched moron, how can you ever be in a relationship with Christ if you won't let yourself be beloved? How can you ever be united with Christ if you won't let your own existence continue? You idiot, you absolute fool; reading the Bible for hours won't save you! Studying does not equal faith! Christianity is about LOVE, about BOTH loving others AND letting yourself BE loved by others. Except that latter bit is impossible. I don't deserve love. No one wants to love me. I'm too ugly, too filthy, too evil, too broken, too wrong. "But God loves me anyway." I want to believe that. Oh God please help me I want to believe that You can & do love me anyway. Is it true? Is it true?


Okay, subject switch so I don't murder myself. I already feel sick & dirty wearing this sweater; NOW they just asked me about food choices and I want to die. I have to drink milk & juice. The problem: both are trauma foods. I'm still convinced I'm allergic to soymilk & I picked whole milk, but that just makes me think of sex. Except babies & pure little children drink milk. Except I'm not pure or a child or lovable like them.

Well dammit maybe you SHOULD TRY TO BE because it's a WORTHWHILE THING TO BE!!
Kids drink juice. Kids drink milk. Cows & fruit!! God created 'em both, PURE & SIMPLE & GOOD. So drink 'em LIKE A TRUSTING PURE CHILD OF GOD. Stop being such a damn cynical grown-up you moron!! I'm sorry but you're really being a moron. Stop "growing up" because you're growing cold & hard. BE A CHILD or you'll NEVER enter the Kingdom of Heaven and that IS the LITERAL Gospel truth!!!

 

(this foni's speech is triggering; click to read) )

 


what about the apple juice
and now PEANUT BUTTER TOO
why are you angry about peanut butter
I fEEL HELPLESS, TRAPPED, AFRAID BY IT. WHy
Chris
ALSO THE #F*CKING APPLE JUICE HE CORRUPTED IT ALL
well then, we just have to forgive him.
AND PURIFY IT WE NEED BOTH
That's absolutely true. Thank you, and I apologize for my blindness to your pain. We do need purification on our end, too. That's the ENTIRE Cross. That's the Blood AND the Water. We must show mercy & forgive, absolutely, but then we ALSO MUST expunge the horrible fingerprints of sin from our soul & memory. That's mercy, too, as well as justice. We need both.

So. Thoughts on "purifying" apples? Go back to childhood-- for us, literally, too! I know we balk & grimace at thoughts of our wild teenage years now, but can that be a starting point?
NO IT'S TOO CORRUPT & DANGEROUS, THERE'S NO GOD THERE
dude nevermind they had a shortage it's cranapple now
THAT'S MOM SHE'S SAFE
So how about the peanut butter?
I can't think of a single positive association for that.
GRANDMA
oh
oh you're right

And kid foods!! "Frogs on logs" & stuff from when we were little!!
yeah but Chris ate it
FORGIVE HIM
LISTEN I'M SICK OF THIS PAIN & FEAR I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM


(A note from upstairs: that "orange" voice is neutrally-oriented; be careful. his role seems to be a foil; the "clever comment" given from a bystander, to push a conversation. Do not expect to have moral or in-depth discussions with him; that's not his function.)



A prayer:
God, Christ Jesus, my guide & Protector & Friend, You know-- and have orchestrated as a gift & blessing!!-- EVERYTHING that is to happen to us today. You have ordained it ALL for the highest good of our soul. Please help us to trust in that completely, especially when we are frightened by not understanding, or not knowing what to expect in the future. In those situations of helplessness, may You be our help-- the only Help we will ever need!! You hold our life in Your knowing, loving Hands-- our past, our present, AND our future-- and You care about us, genuinely & sincerely so. You only want what is truly best for us, and can only do what is best for us, so You are completely trustworthy. Help us to throw ourselves without reserve into Your protecting Arms, and rest there next to Your Sacred Heart, Which loves us so much, unconditionally and eternally. May we never fear anything except separation from You. Draw us back swiftly but gently whenever we wander, and never let us go. Amen.
Jesus, we love you!!


post-breakfast//


A vital reminder: frame ALL your thoughts with gratitude! Look at every circumstance through the lens of joy & thanks, for "this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus"!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! Literally every single thing that happens to us comes from the Hand of God. NOTHING can happen apart from His Will & permission. So be grateful for ALL of it, ESPECIALLY for the things you are tempted to complain about or angry over or afraid of! I'm serious. TRUST HIM. You're studying Job for heaven's sakes! "Even if He slay me, all my hope is in Him!" God is ALL-sovereign AND ALL-GOOD, and He is faithful. Don't be disheartened and don't despair. Your Creator cares deeply for you.

-I've realized we have a lot of "peptalk" nousfoni who, although genuinely speaking truth with helpful intentions, are INCOMPREHENSIVE OF EXPERIENTIAL SUFFERING and can ONLY speak of crosses conceptually. Their functions are therefore INCOMPLETE BY DESIGN and their input must be considered only rightly ALONGSIDE their aching brethren, their spiritual complements & counterparts.
ON THAT NOTE. Breakfast arrived with an admitted protest against God's given reality: "Is that all we get?" Milk, juice, 2 butter pats, & an english muffin. Black tea requested. 400Ⓚ. Yes, that's it!! So BE GRATEFUL for it! That's the salvific reframing I was talking about-- there is ALWAYS a blessed perspective to take, by the grace of God. "That's all we get" BECAUSE right now, in God's perfect judgment, that's all we NEED. We're just starting treatment, so for everyone's safety, newbies start small. (It's teaching our bulimic ass to eat less.) Yes, that too, she's right! AND it is teaching us TO be genuinely grateful FOR less, so that we may be more readily & joyfully & genuinely able to freely & immediately & lovingly give thanks to God in & for ALL circumstances, no matter how difficult or trying or unexpected, therefore offering ever-more perfect praise to, and giving ever-more total glory to God. So! Beloved, we turned our heart in trust to Him and exclaimed, "Wow! Look at the blessings God has showered upon us! We get a warm, fresh breakfast! We get two whole butter pats! We get an ENTIRE english muffin!" We even got juice that reminded us so much of our dear mother, AND!!! Unexpectedly and Providencially, they nixed the peanut butter PERMANENTLY (so no flashbacks, guys!!), AND since we forgot our Lactase pills, they swapped the milk for soymilk. So, trauma risk averted (we weren't ready I guess & God knew!), and we were able to feel out some shockingly relevant high school sensory memories-- that poor bedraggled dark-green teen who would eat cornflakes & vanilla soymilk and was miserable. (God bless her, poor child.) But!! That's the POINT of this whole food-recovery-thing. Yes we have to heal this poor body & restore both proper weight & nourishment to it as God intended. But far more importantly, and absolutely heart-centrally, we are here to HELP PEOPLE HEAL. Including, inevitably and explicitly, that poor hurting girl with the vanilla soymilk. We cannot avoid her aching pain whenever we taste it. The two are linked: context & experience. So how do we heal that wound? We heal the wounded. We heal her. "But how?" you ask. "She's stuck in 2007, 2008. Her existence is anchored into that time-bubble, and inherently so. How do we heal the past?" Easy!! It never was healed, so her wounds are STILL open and affecting us all in the present! Healing happens NOW. Time is not linear, and besides, we're a Celebi; this whole time thing is in our very soul. She exists NOW, even with roots 14 years old, and we can walk right into that chronosphere of hers as if we were physically there now-- maybe paradoxically even morseo, as we are there with her in heart, with her very heart.
So. Gratitude, so much gratitude, for that especially, that opened door & hope planted & compassion enkindled. But it will take time to heal. Once we have truly reached her, we must SIT witih her and TALK with her and CARE for her because NO ONE DID BACK THEN and her hurt never healed so we MUST do it now. Oh-- and honestly? There WILL be, and must be, less "talking" with her and more FEELING WITH HER. Like united. Heart to heart. Your wounds are my wounds, just like Christ Jesus Himself did for us, not as consequence but as CHOICE; not as shame but as SALVATION; not as loss but as LOVE. God Himself knows we all still kiss the scars on our body not because they are scars but because we SHARE them. THAT is our hope. So this girl-- is this "Hoban"? Or is she a sister in soul?-- has her hope, too, in sharing her personal pain with us, so those hurts CAN finally scar. Step one? Pray we get cornflakes for breakfast, haha. Seriously though, while we're here, EVERY serving of soymilk is an opportunity now to reach in and reach out and BE with her. But it will be brief, at first, AND terribly painful. At that first safe & sacred contact, the weeping eyes and hurting heart can't help but overflow in the sheer shock of overwhelming hope. So we MUST prepare our heart for that, both for our sake & for hers. We need to be strong enough to bear her cross with her, and soft enough to bleed for her, with her. We must stay with her in her passion, our heart and arms both open to her. We cannot flinch or hide or run. When her world of agony hits-- all her memories and terrors-- we must be not only ready and willing to bear it, but also ABLE. Luke 14:27-33 comes to mind, with being bluntly honest about the cost of discipleship. ALL must be sacrificed for Christ, and to follow Him is to love Him, and to love Him is to serve Him, and to serve Him is to keep His Commandments, which simultaneously mandate love of God and neighbor. In short, love costs us, but it's worth it. Love WILL demand a price-- our willingness TO pour ourselves out for others, ESPECIALLY when it's difficult. Remember King David! "I will not offer a sacrifice that costs me nothing!" That destroys the whole concept of sacrifice-- the etymology of which is SACREDNESS. True holiness, real Christian living, MUST cost us our time & comfort & money & desires & possessions & very selves. We, with Christ, must nail EVERYTHING to His Cross out of love, absolutely, entirely. We must be aware of this, and we MUST be prepared for it, and with God's grace & much sincerely fervent prayer we MUST DO IT. Anything less is death, not life. Mark 8:34-38. The blessed paradox. THAT'S the royal road to true joy, and true healing, for ALL of us, promised.

Remember all that; it's vital! But if I may add a few closing notes about breakfast. We had English Breakfast tea, which ALSO reminded us of mom, with the bergamot she loves. We mixed some of the cranapple juice with it, and a spot of soymilk for creamer, and it was really lovely. Thank You God. Everything fit together perfectly, which our own choices would have failed to do. But see! Don't be afraid! God can change or transmute ANYTHING to fit His Will, IF HE NEEDS TO. If He leaves something as-is, that's His Will too! So don't be afraid. Your free choices of food, however clumsy or confused, CANNOT foil His plans. That is the GREATEST reassurance & relief, so rest in that. Lastly... oh man we enjoyed that english muffin. Just soft malted bread and butter, simple & pure, and it was lovely. Simple joys are the best, & prayerful gratitude makes them even better. Thank You, God!!


post-lunch//


We were humbled by our experience at this meal. Proud, we started too slow, and let our mind get distracted by silly trivia & vapid music, AND-- just like that-- we KEPT BEING JUDGMENTAL. How horrible and hypocritical, God forgive us. I'll be brutally honest and confess: we heard the other patients squeeing over Broadway and rattling off celebrity names and reciting pagan mythology, and-- so proud!-- we were so disgusted & disappointed. AND YET we KEPT trying to answer the SAME damn trivial questions, in hopes of "impressing" them and/or "fitting in." Being aware of all that sinful filth in us is dreadful. And it's such an automated response!! Jesus help me, I don't want to think or act like that. I know it's wrong and it utterly nauseates me to admit. But I WILL admit it and confess it to God, to Jesus my Savior and my Redeemer, Who alone can forgive those sins AND cleanse my soul from them. On that note my WORST sin is my judgmental attitude, those intrusive, proud, condemning, contemptuous, ugly, selfish, EVIL thoughts that I DO NOT WANT and am unbearably ashamed of and miserable over. The one male nurse, with the tattoo, my stupidass wicked brain keeps calling a "milquetoast" and a "wimp" because he is SO gentle and kind, he struggles to say ANYTHING that might be interpreted as offensive or confrontational, or even self-promoting. Like with the trivia, if someone guessed wrong, he WOULDN'T even say "no," let alone "that's incorrect," or the very word "wrong." He would say, "they have a different answer listed"!! Or he would say, "let's Google it," and read whatever IT said-- not the card, and not himself, rejecting all semblance of authority or judgment! Even talking to me about unit protocols & information, he is always stumbling over words & smiling sheepishly so that nothing he says has sharp edges. He tries SO HARD to be utterly nonthreatening and safe and faithful and trustworthy, someone that everyone feels safe to approach for help or advice, and yes dammit he is clumsy and a little awkward in the process but HIS HEART IS PURE. And honestly I admire and honor that in him SO MUCH. So WHY THE HELL is my disgusting demonic brain spitting its asinine judgments at him?? I would much rather be overly soft like him than a BITCH like me. And honestly? If you call someone like that nurse "coward" or "wimp" or "weak," YOU ARE A BLIND & STUPID IDIOT who has NO idea what true strength and courage is. To be THAT meticulously meek requires a power of heart greater than you can ever fathom!!! So SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH and don't you DARE mock all the good people on this unit!!! Those girls who love Broadway? That shows their appreciation of the joy of music & the wonder of imaginative storytelling, at the intricate beauty of stage & choreography, of the celebration of human creativity-- THE GIFT & BLESSING OF GOD'S OWN CREATIVE SPIRIT!!! You laugh at them why?? Because they are CAPABLE of such resonant joy & gratitude? Are you envious that they still cherish and kindle that sense of beauty & wonder & community? Do you have such hatred for the imaginative powers of God's children? "But musicals are vapid & empty, without meaning, about stupid things! Just like movies! If they're not explicitly about God they are purposeless and a sinful waste of effort, time, resources, AND human souls!!" You hypocrite, don't you DARE pretend to be on God's side!!! You think He approves of your proud hatred? Of your desire to destroy? Listen. Yes, sometimes movies & musicals are silly. Most of them do not directly acknowledge God. BUT do you think God cannot USE such creations for His Glory-- especially since they ONLY exist THROUGH the creative talents & energy GOD gave them?? Do you think He couldn't have stopped or frustrated any & all people involved if He wanted to prevent their work? Did Babel not fall? Did David not play? Listen. Even in a "vapid" movie or musical, EVERY one, there is truth, BECAUSE there is HUMANITY, the precious creative work of God. Whether that truth be positive or negative, it cannot help but exist & be discerned, because humankind pours its very soul into its own creative works, a soul breathed into him by the Almighty One!! Do you forget, WE TOO have been touched? Do you so easily forget The Last Ship? Razia's Shadow? Take Flight? Phantom? What about the Studio Chizu marathon we did? Oh yes, I REMEMBER how pissed and judgmental YOU were, because "they're pagans!!" and "they're so immature and immoral!!" I hate to tell you, miss, but those "immoral, immature pagans" STILL showed INFINITELY more compassion & kindness & integrity & charity than YOU!!! That beautiful family, that strong and beloved grandmother, the self-sacrifice for one's fellow man, the hope and courage and love in Summer Wars! You scoff and spit at me, but you know I'm right. That young mother in Wolf Children-- yes! A young unwed pagan teratophile mother!!-- she has more pure love in a single hair than you do in your whole damn being!!! You saw her incredible tenacity and sacrificial selflessness, her unfailing hope & sweetness & gentleness, her superhuman courage, ALL for the sake of her family!! And are you going to tell me "movies are vapid!! Secular media is godless!!" AS IF GOD DOES NOT BREATHE LIFE INTO EVERY MAN? AS IF GOD DOES NOT CALL OUT INCESSANTLY TO EACH HEART HE LOVINGLY CREATED?? You're going to tell me a human can AVOID telling of God if he tells of life?? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PURPOSE AND POINT OF LIFE IS?? Yes it's God, but YOUR definition of "God" is missing the mark entirely if He won't eat with pagans and prostitutes and tax collectors. You hypocrite. Shame on you. Oh yeah, and the kid who knew the pagan mythology offhand? Guess what that tells me? HE APPRECIATES DIVINITY. His mind is drawn to & fascinated by the concept, which is a VERY USEFUL DOOR for the One TRUE God to knock on!!! YOU CANNOT JUDGE. Pointing fingers, wagging your head, scoffing & spitting & mocking, make you a FALLEN angel, you ass. You are CHASING people AWAY from God with your condemnations. JESUS CHRIST CAME INTO THE WORLD TO SAVE SINNERS, to seek the lost, heal the sick, bind up the broken, give sight to the blind, instruct the ignorant, counsel the doubtful, and yes admonish sinners, but WITH LOVE FOR THEM!! And AS CHRIST DID, SO MUST WE. You are NOT a Christian if you don't, no matter how often and angrily you insist you "are doing God's will." Who is your "God," really?? Whose will are you REALLY forcing on the struggling and the lost? It's NOT GOD'S. He never forces, ESPECIALLY not with such pompous windbag cruelty as YOU.


post-dinner//

Back on the meal topic-- God is showing us, through our mistakes & poor judgments & shortcomings, two very important things: one, that we, too, are weak & imperfect & in need of loving correction & instruction in order to grow in health & holiness; and two, that the humbling process of that revelation & discipline not only teaches us to REJOICE in our weaknesses as proof that we are NOT GOD, but that He loves us & we need Him as a Father, and also brings us closer to Him in the process-- AND to all of weak clumsy suffering humanity, through our common struggle, by compassion birthed from that very sharing. In short: God chastises those He loves. That is an HONOR, beyond all comprehension. He disciplines us AS CHILDREN-- but! He can ONLY do so successfully if WE admit we messed up and NEED His correction! Only then can we become holy; only then can we truly be patient & forgiving & gentle & kind & merciful towards others in THEIR mistakes & imperfections, because by our humble openness to receive those very virtues from God, admitting our great need & childlike weakness, we become able to give those gifts to the rest of His children, our brethren. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm babbling, but that's all so important. NOT beating the shortening out of ourselves for every failure is a MUST for recovery, otherwise shame & self-loathing take over & destroy you, because hatred CANNOT cause a good result. It's of death. God is Love & Life & He ONLY hates sin-- NOT PEOPLE! So to imitate God as His children, we must be compassionate like Him, and to give it we must receive it and we can ONLY receive it if our hearts are gracefully open TO it... meaning, we MUST have compassion towards OURSELVES first, and the only way to learn THAT is by seeing & knowing & feeling the compassion Christ has for us, unconditionally.

^ BACK on the meal topic, so we can record this struggle/ goal & take concrete steps toward it: our timing is off. As I mentioned briefly earlier, we start too slowly, underestimating how much time it takes for us to eat one ingredient at a time with little bites, ESPECIALLY when now we are regularly dealing with WILDLY unpredictable textures! That's where we messed up today. We had green beans, turkey, & stuffing. We started with the beans & ate them one by one, enjoying them (they had spices added which was nice), then hit the turkey. Well! We forgot that meat is DRY and sticks to your teeth, taking longer to chew, ESPECIALLY since we have to CUT IT UP into smaller pieces first to avoid choking-- small bites are a must, or we WILL have a problem, with too much of that cloying texture. So that threw us for a loop. We panicked when we only had like 10 minutes left for the stuffing, but we figured we'd be fine as it looked soft. WELL. WE ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH STUFFING!! It was soft inside, but hard outside, and SO DENSE & STICKY. We tried to cut it up like the turkey, but it began to wetly crumble and we had no time for bits. We ended up forced to take big bites with gulps of tea to get it down, which not only meant we couldn't taste or comprehend it, but the large heavy bites were borderline traumatic, honestly. We made it right on time and felt pretty awful & ashamed, but. We learned. God was telling us, "stop judging," "focus on Me & My help," and "let Me reveal to you some important information you need in order to eat better & more properly." We never expected the texture obstacle! But now we know, so thank You God. We can apportion our time better, and eat more safely too. Every meal we must pray for deeper guidance; trust that He will give it, then readily obey!

^ Dinner was a new chance, and a good one. We had mixed vegetables & a chicken/ broccoli/ rice mini casserole stew thingamabob that was SO nice. Unfortunately, again, we had to rush it, because 1) chicken is MUCH drier & stickier than turkey, and 2) corn (!) takes a VERY LONG TIME to chew!! We did move faster on the other vegetables, because not only did we know their textures already (soft & starchy & good), we ALSO wisely recognized that chewing one pea at a time would be ludicrously imprudent as far as timing was concerned. But yes!! We ate peas, for the first time since grandma (♥) passed on... and they played "her" song on the computer, the one I keep hearing since her funeral. It felt like a kiss of encouragement. Thank you, grandma!! I know you're watching over me & praying for me up there. I still want to get better for you, too. I want you to be "proud of me," in a sense-- but really? I want God to be glorified THROUGH His healing me & my cooperation with His grace, in humble obedient submissive faith, and I want you to rejoice in THAT, grandma. Soli Deo Gloria. God willing, when I-- by His Mercy & Christ's Blood alone-- get to heaven & see you again at last, I want it to be with JOY, for that victory of Christ's Power in my life over all sin & addiction. So thank you for your blessing over the peas & lima beans, honestly. I've been avoiding them-- even cursing them-- since you died, and I can't heal like that. But today? I ate them all with genuine gratitude & joy, and I didn't even think about self-hatred. I know your prayers were a big part of that. Thank you, grandma. I love you so much, forever. I promise, I will continue to let God heal me, inside and out.

^ Snack was full of tension & distractions! BUT! I refused to let those intrusive judgments take root!! Yes the chaperone was upset but it's late and she's tired & overwhelmed & wants to go home. Pray for her to have peace & consolation & comfort & hope & happiness! Focus on her good qualities & look at her through eyes of love! BE COMPASSIONATE!! Let that absolutely DEFINE your heart. I did have trouble with my own nerves, though. They were doing history trivia but the questions were very complex & the one kid answering was having trouble & the nurse was exasperated or just sounded like it, God bless them both I care for them truly, but my nerves went into danger mode. "I'm in trouble/ I did something wrong and there is impending punishment/ imminent scary consequences." Subconscious misinterpretation of stimuli as triggers, really. So it was hard to truly calm down & focus, but I tried. Tonight I actually had assigned snack choices, which was a blessed exercise in submission, meekness, trust, & gratitude in all circumstances. I got a strawberry Nutrigrain & a surprise lemon meringue greek yogurt! Plus red zinger tea (for mom, who got a spider bite WHILE I was on the phone with her; I love her so much). The nutrigrains still burn my throat & I couldn't really register the strawberry taste, but it was nice & soft. HOWEVER. Apparently they are now TRAUMA FOOD due to both CNC & grandpa's closet; maybe even poverty food drives. So more unexpected healing to do! I'm oddly excited. Really though, can you imagine, finally HEALING from that? Finally removing those fears, through God's gracious compassion given to us? What joy!! What a blessed adventure we have ahead of us, to take with Jesus at every step!! Because that is KEY-- HE is the sole guarantor of success; without Christ, we cannot hope to recover. With Him, all Good things are possible. Like actually enjoying the yogurt with no fear! At home it was a panic binge food, a form of self-abuse. But God gave us some today-- lemon flavor, no less! (a trigger potential we must watch)-- and we were actively thanking Him for it, for the wonder of its existence, for the gift of eating it, and it was totally safe & good. All thanks & praise be to God!!
♥ Now we are legit EXHAUSTED and need to say our night prayers so we can SLEEP. Treatment starts for real tomorrow! God be with us every moment!!




CALYREX

Jul. 22nd, 2021 08:36 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Time to figure out my buddy CALYREX!!

Basic= GALAR region= gallant, gala, GALAHAD (King Arthur), HOLY GRAIL (ALL CHALICE INFO RELEVANT), & disease (Gaelic)

Dynamax curse= PAPILLOMAVIRUS HORNS!!!
✱ Based on UK, notably WALES, SCOTLAND, & the ISLE OF MAN. (+London, Bath, Liverpool, etc.)

✱ He is a WOLPERTINGER: a rabbit-deer. "General rule" is JAY WINGS, ROEBUCK ANTLERS, COTTON OR PHEASANT TAILS, & SABER FANGS. (fusion) (+duck feet?) "CHIMERICAL"?? They are very shy & live in dark Bavarian forests (conifers, rolling mountains, MASSIVE.) They have a weakness for female beauty and, like unicorns, can only be caught by a beautiful young woman-- ideally at night, on a full moon, in a secluded nook. "They... fall in love with human females."
✱ ARCTIC ones are "snow hare, polar fox, reindeer, & snow owl" fusions, "beautiful & deadly"
✱ Related to JACKALOPES? Shy unless approached, then deadly. POISON BITE? Can imitate the human voice!
✱ Wolpertingers are a GLOBAL phenomenon. "One must be drunk to see them"? Partial to drink (whiskey), too.
✱ "Warrior rabbits"! ALSO, HORNED RABBITS go way back, to Persia, Medieval manuscripts, etc.
✱ KAUYUMARI? "Blue deer" deity; seems to fit "life-bringer" "harrower of hell" tropes?? Antlers from RABBIT? ALSO ties to LIVE-GIVING BLOOD? (CHALICE! PLUS Kauyumari is tied to WATER?? ) + "Overwhelming perception" with which he "secures life" = the "divine essence in all things". = "NIERIKA": portal that CONNECTS THE (3) WORLDS = a mirror, holes carved in stone, EYE OF GOD, FACE OF DIVINE = most notably all refer to PEYOTE, "the visionary sacrament through which they can be in contact with the realm of the sacred" = "The intimate relationship between [plants & humans], evidenced by certain plants producing substances that can influence the depths of human mind & spirit" & "the wonderful/ dreadful effects prove their religious importance & the sacred respect they are due" effectively. Psychoactive plants have SACRAMENTAL purposes, + medicine! There are many, but we're focusing on PEYOTE: it is American (jackalopes) AND it blooms as a CACTUS, reminiscent in shape with Calyrex's head & notable as such.
✱ PRAYER BOWLS (chalices) & WHITE FLOWERS (life) tied to HOLY WORDS-- kept in a basket ("hamper" = "hanepier" = case for holding a CUP = "hanap" CHALICE) (But ALSO in medicine, "hanepier" = SKULL or HELMET) held by his ANTLERS, & received BY THE HEART. Again, there's a lot, & I don't need it all, nor do I want to appropriate it-- we're just looking for relevance to Calyrex, and, always, for reference to CHRIST.
✱ On that note! "Blue Deer was created to give life to the votive offerings (to God?), so he is connected to the PRAYER BOWL, full of fresh water (the nierika = portal to sacred = BAPTISM??) & given to "OUR MOTHER OF THE SEA" (STELLA MARIS + OCEAN OF DIVINE MERCY), as his BLOOD gives LIFE to the prayer bowls"!! OBVIOUS EUCHARISTIC CHALICE. Also notable, "Blue Deer offers his blood in sacrifice to nurture & grow the CORN" = staple crop = wheat/ bread of life = EUCHARIST again!!
✱ LASTLY there is a SHEEP, "its blood was the first shed to allow Kauyumari's words to rest (in the heart?); in its head is a plumed ARROW, attracting his words & embodying the Spirit of the sacrificed lamb." CHRIST = SACRIFICIAL LAMB = WORD OF GOD = HOLY SPIRIT = ARROWS OF LOVE/ REPARATION FOR BLASPHEMY = FREE WILL (in the head) + RATIONAL SACRIFICE, etc. Very rich in Christ symbolism, unsurprisingly!
✱ Another notable paraphrased myth of BLUE DEER is that he first appeared to a group of starving youths, all glorious & fat, so as they chased him in hunger he pitied them & instead led them to PEYOTE-- it SATIATED THEIR PHYSICAL & SPIRITUAL HUNGER & THIRST, despite intense famine, AND it was also MEDICINE for healing their diseases of malnourishment & poverty! (EUCHARIST) It was, all in one, "rain, food, & health"-- BOTH "deer & corn," essentially both BLOOD & BREAD (EUCHARIST). But the packaged significance & parallels of all this being in a SACRED CACTUS PLANT is notable, ALSO to Christ Jesus, Who was a desert flower of abundance & health blooming in the Palestine deserts & the dry starving hearts of unbelieving men. "Christ is the Vine," yes, but He's also the APPLE TREE... which is our next point!
✱ But first, PEONIES. Calyrex's head bud looks JUST like a peony bud, just white. They are often called the "KING OF FLOWERS"? In China, it symbolizes royalty, wealth, honor, bravery, & integrity-- but also it was exchanged upon farewells as a GIFT OF LOVE.
✱ In Japanese tattoos, peonies are associated with a novel in which 108 men/women were "banished to the hills by the feudal government" & banded together to "ferociously" foil their oppressors-- they were the "Outlaws of the Marsh" & were covered in tattoos, often peonies. Also titled "ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS." It's not really relevant, except for the possible idea of heroic rebellion against unjust power & invaders.
✱ Peonies also mean COMPASSION, purity, lifelong commitment, joy, & MARRIAGE? They live long!
✱ BTW, peony = heal; Calyrex MENDS HEARTS!!
✱ Peonies don't like to be moved or divided, need to mature for years before blooming, cannot have too deep roots, & need support to hold their weight. All that can & should be expanded symbolically IN RESPECT TO CALYREX-- also taking into account his BUD STATE.
✱ In winter, the foliage dies back BUT the CROWN & ROOTS survive (Calyrex silhouette??) They need drained soil & full sun or they ROT. Also "if they don't go dormant in winter, they will flower poorly the next year." Cutting down to ONE bud will boost its size.
✱ Flower lack is caused by no sun, overcrowding/ competition, disease, or "PLANTING CROWNS TOO DEEPLY."
✱ Peonies, though, thrive in cooler, dry places with lots of sun. They are NATIVE TO ASIA.
✱ ETYMOLOGY = "Paeon," Greek student of "god of medicine" Aesculapius; teacher got jealous & Zeus saved Paeon by making him a flower. Paeon is considered the "physician of the gods", HEALING ALL THEIR BATTLE WOUNDS. That's CANON! It also pings for King Arthur again, with the Grail (chalice), but we'll get there.
✱ The name "Paieon" ALSO was used for ANY "god" who was a "deliverer from any evil or calamity," even sorrow & pain. Again, CANON. Paradoxically, "paiein" means TO STRIKE, giving "destroyer" vibes, & so "Paean" would both heal & avert evils AND go to battle to strike AT those evils. Hymns & warsongs both. PROMPT.
✱ Paieon healed with HERBS (hello Peyote) & "knew the remedies for all things"; the "healer of pain."
✱ HE WAS SAID TO "HAVE NO PART IN DESIRE; HE IS ALIEN TO THE EROTES" = CHASTITY!!
✱ TONS of references to plants as medicine.
✱ Paeon used the PEONY ROOT (liquid) to CURE HADES??? It was a POISON ARROW TO THE SHOULDER. (See Blue Deer!!) BTW HADES ≠ HELL.
✱ Deer were an ancient STAPLE FOOD & were frequently seen as MESSENGERS OF GOD (angels!!)-- Calyrex has a notably wing-shaped cape!
✱ WARRIOR RABBITS, too-- they fight with their horns.
✱ CALYREX IS NOT A SKVADER; he also DOESN'T HAVE ACTUAL HORNS-- he has ears split into FOUR, which act like sepals. His bud is TRANSLUCENT when light hits it in official art??
✱ His cape ONLY becomes frilly & winglike ON HIS HORSE-- more Apocalypse angel vibes = White: CONQUEST (IN CHRIST??) & BLACK: FAMINE, in stark contrast to his title as the "King of Bountiful Harvests"-- although, on Spectrier, it is said they "ran all over Galar to BRING GREEN TO THE WASTELANDS." This is so notable-- Calyrex can both cause plants to "spring forth" and can MEND HEARTS!! So despite Spectrier's ghostly tendency to drain life & herald famine, Calyrex HEALS it and TRANSMUTES the presence of famine into a herald of MIRACULOUS ABUNDANCE.
✱ LIKEWISE, Glastrier-- a forceful, brutal, arrogant conqueror-- has its heart MELTED in a sense BY CALYREX, who uses its power for good in serving/ saving the weak, AND by uniting raw "justice" (in war) to MERCY, as Calyrex HEALED HIS ENEMIES WOUNDS after battle (PAEON)!!!
✱ BUT YOU NEED THE REINS OF UNITY. Without this BOND of LOVE (the horses are called "beloved" & "faithful" by Calyrex), THERE IS NO LOVING TRANSMUTATION. "Make all thoughts captive to Christ & obedient to Him!" Christ is the TRUE KING, Who alone bestows kingly authority on earth, AND charges all kings to justly IMITATE HIS EXAMPLE of mercy, humility, love, & service. "The greatest must be a servant," etc.
✱ The reins ALLOW those they unite TO communicate with each other (love surmounts ALL obstacles), enhance Calyrex's power "over bountiful harvests" (blessings of abundance TO FEED THE HUNGRY & GIVE LIFE), "unite him TO his beloved steed," AND were GIVEN TO CALYREX BY THE PEOPLE!!!
✱ They CREATE it by fusing a lock of hair (black or white) from either steed WITH a beautiful, Radiant BLUE Petal Calyrex gives YOU from HIMSELF. The horsehair can only be obtained by DEFEATING them-- a humbling act-- and when fused with the petal, they BECOME the reins, now luminous blue (seen in card art quite strikingly). Like this, they are "AS ONE"-- a paradox, but a blessed one-- it shows, literally, how unity via self-giving love & its resultant communication-- unity with CHRIST, the Life-giver & King-- can REDEEM & SANCTIFY ANYONE, no matter how troubled & lost. Calyrex TAMED him & now, instead of selfish rage & pride, he is loyal & uses his power for THE GOOD OF THE SAME PEOPLE HE USED TO TERRORIZE-- notably, by "ravaging & raiding" ALL OF THEIR FOOD, especially the CARROTS! THAT is when the Reins of Unity were forged: in gratitude, AFTER Spectrier & Glastrier had been HUMBLED and now SERVED in loyal LOVE. Their hearts had to BE bondable first!
✱ THEIR INITIAL FUSION CREATED A BOUNTIFUL FOREST IN THE WASTE (FAMINE & DEATH DEFEATED)!!! THEN they traveled & spread green life & food; again, an apostolate effect of sorts.
✱ The PEOPLE built the CROWN SHRINE for them to live in-- a GORGEOUS monastery-esque structure with STAINED GLASS even. BUT!!!! WHEN THE PEOPLE GOT COMPLACENT & LOST FAITH & GRATITUDE, CALYREX LOST HIS POWER TO DO GOOD for them, the Reins of Unity BROKE, and they faded into legend. (BTW Crown = King = CHRIST)
✱ CALYREX CAN SEE ALL OF TIME??? "KNOWN" events specifically?? So there's NOT omniscience, but WISDOM & CLARITY & KNOWLEDGE. Holy Spirit gifts, really.
✱ Yearly, Calyrex brought food & vegetation to the people = his LEFT hand for fruit, his RIGHT for verdant blooms & grass.
✱ Assumedly prior to all this, Calyrex was FOUND INJURED in the Crown Tundra DURING A TIME WHEN IT WAS BARREN & INHOSPITABLE. Calyrex just APPEARED during a bleak winter, "regal yet wounded & weak" (Christlike), so the people were MOVED TO PITY, took him into their village, and nursed him back to health!! (Loving service) Once healed, Calyrex "emitted a dazzling BLUE (heavenly) light" that turned the tundra into lush plains. The people then thrived DESPITE the frigid & barren region BECAUSE CALYREX SUSTAINED THEM WITH HIS CONSTANT BLESSING. The people now considered him their KING, perhaps because his life-nurturing power already did hold a sort of honorable rule over them, in gratitude & goodness (you WANT to serve such a gentle & loving King).
✱ CALYREX ALSO PERSONALLY PROMISED to tame Glastrier/ Spectrier, a "ruffian" & rebel, and soon enough he was "BENDING HIS KNEES" to Calyrex in CONVERSION & LOYALTY (lost sheep/ prodigal son?)! THAT'S when the people made the Reins of Unity FOR them, so Calyrex could "command him with ease."
✱ I find that detail SO notable-- Calyrex DIDN'T & perhaps COULDN'T make the reins; he didn't demand Glas/Spec's loyalty so "hard." BUT the bonds were forged BY THOSE THEY SERVED, not as a control device, but as a SIGN OF GRATITUDE, and even a SYMBOL OF FRIENDSHIP, as the reins REQUIRE a GIFT OF SELF from BOTH parties, which the people only UNITE for a new purpose of closer unity-- more loyalty & ease of obedience THROUGH self-giving relationship, NOT control or force, just GUIDANCE (easy yoke)! AND IT HAD TO BE REMADE YEARLY. Their relationship & commitment NEEDED that regular, true rededication & renewal... BUT. IT ALSO BANKED ON THE FAITH & GRATITUDE OF THE PEOPLE THEY SERVED. Without their love, Calyrex & Glas/Spec's bond would weaken & break-- pride & arrogance would again replace Glas/Spec's humility, angry as he would be with their lax hearts, & Calyrex would lose his ability to do them good as their hearts would slowly but surely turn cold towards him as their faith & love waned.
✱ Glas/Spec LEFT Calyrex then, as they had no power or purpose, & thus no reason to stay united. Glas/Spec went to the Crown Shrine & Calyrex disappeared?-- a show of arrogant taunting vs meek humility, it seems.
✱ The Crown Shrine was built AROUND a "sacred sapling"? No origin given. Perhaps it was the first green thing Calyrex brought forth. But the Shrine/ Temple, like a Church, was built TO GIVE CALYREX A "WORTHY HOME." You can't ignore the Catholic architecture here... nor the fact that, when they LOST faith, CALYREX (the gentle king of life) LEFT IT, & GLAS/SPEC (rebel of pride & destruction) TOOK OVER. It was heavily symbolic of the state of the people's hearts: who & what they were REALLY worshipping in their forgetfulness of LOVE & the King that loved them (Christ parallels). The barrenness in their hearts brought the same fate to their land, & they began to starve & freeze again, without the warmth & nourishment that grateful faith & love ALLOWED to enter & change their lives!
✱ There's a WEIRD myth post-Calyrex that claims he would "steal the body of those who misbehaved," which strikes me as a GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING of the nature of his bond/union with Glas/Spec. Their fusion was NOT a "stealing of one" BUT a "sharing of TWO." Their bodies remained INDIVIDUAL, BUT now operated AS ONE, in a sync born NOT of force, power, or control, but of HUMBLE, LOYAL, GRATEFUL, FRIENDLY LOVE. It's a COOPERATION for a GREATER GOOD & PURPOSE THROUGH self-giving & self-sacrifice to the point of achieving a FULLER self, FOR OTHERS' SAKE. Also, the specific mention of "misbehaving" also reveals their fear (therefore NO "perfect love") of justice & inability to grasp BOTH mercy AND conversion??? Because Glas/Spec REALLY misbehaved, BUT he never lost his body-- actually, EVEN IF HE DIED & SPLIT IN TWO, HIS BODY WAS NOT LOST TO DEATH?? Big Christ/ resurrection vibes; "if you life IN ME and I IN YOU, YOU WILL NEVER DIE." But the people couldn't grasp the SHARING & SELF-SURRENDER/ GIVING for the sake of cooperative love & SERVICE!!! Yes they worshipped Calyrex, yes they had faith, BUT was it only "because he multiplied the loaves"?? Was their devotion corrupted by becoming complacent in abundance, forgetting the utter famine he saved them from? Did they forget the tender compassion they showed him, which he reciprocated a thousandfold-- OR did they decide he OWED them, forgetting pure charity?? Either way, they could no longer even conceptualize the truth of Calyrex's actions; their lax hearts were blinded now. They forgot his face, & now could only mourn that vague yet keen loss of a King who once loved them so, & gave them riches untold without cost-- "come, all you who hunger, and dine without cost"-- recognizing their hopeless & powerless need. BUT THAT'S THE DOOR, THAT HUMILITY & CONTRITION & SEEKING, however feeble. Deep down they could still taste the heaven of mutual charity & I think they hungered for THAT even more than food. All they had now were fables, which kept their faith from totally dying thanks to HOPE-- an abandoned BUT extant church, testifying to a greater yet forgotten purpose AND the King for whom it was built (a King who COULD NOT MOVE BACK IN until/ unless they STOPPED WORSHIPPING IDOLS. so to speak)-- and a poor yet sincere effort at a statue, a sign of repentance and affection, an apology & a consolation all in one-- the King couldn't have been a mere myth, to hold such a place in their hearts, and that statue was a reminder of & hope for his literal presence to return & take its rightful place again.
✱ BUT THIS is the BEST part-- if the Crown Tundra people were prodigal children, then Calyrex was ABSOLUTELY the father. He NEVER LEFT! He is seen WATCHING OVER THEM, assumedly heartbroken & yearning too, POWERLESS to help WITHOUT FAITH, HUMILITY, LOVE, and REPENTANCE. Their doors AND hearts had to be UNLOCKED & OPEN for him to come back in & reign there... just like Glas/Spec, who would have to do the SAME now in the present. We'll get to that!
✱ BTW, CALYREX & GLAS/SPEC'S INITIAL FUSION WAS OF THEIR OWN HEARTS!! The reins, made by the people, were only a symbol OF the people, & only STRENGTHENED their unity BY GIVING IT A DIRECTION OF PURPOSE!!! It's not a chain, but a BOND. I can't emphasize that enough. It's becoming a SLAVE OF LOVE, a HUMBLE SERVANT, under a HUMBLE MASTER... Christ, His friends, & His people. I ALSO reiterate: The reins ALLOW the connected TO communicate with each other! They heighten their relationship from simple cooperation to DEVOTION. "I no longer call you servants but FRIENDS." This bond UNITES THEM AS BELOVED (!!!) and thus boosts Calyrex's ability to flourish life AND FOOD; again, Eucharistic vibes, as it is a SACRAMENTAL BOND, a COMMUNION, and LIFE-GIVING FOOD, THAT UNITES YOU TO THE WHOLE BODY OF CHRIST, His CHURCH-- the Temple of which HE is the Crown, the Head-- for the sake of LOVING SERVICE in FEEDING HIS SHEEP in the cold-hearted, desolate wastes of the devil's destructive attacks on the world. Calyrex, imitating Christ, is RESTORING Creation to its INTENDED state of nourishing life & love & giving & sharing! Food is grown AS A HARVEST not to be hoarded or gobbled, but to FEED THE HUNGRY, and to rejoice in CHRIST'S ABUNDANT LOVE, with "plenty of wicker baskets left over."
✱ THE CARROT SEEDS. "To plant IN A FIELD (parable of the sower!!!); the kind of carrot is determined by WHICH field you plant the seeds in." There are only TWO fertile grounds available... the SNOWY VALLEY (slope) and the OLD CEMETERY. Calyrex, imitating Christ IN HIS LOVE FOR THE LOST, is bringing food-- nourishment AND communion, a deeply natural act of love-- OUT OF BARRENNESS. Without cooperative love & care & concern, NOTHING would grow! You humbly buy the Seeds from an old farmer, it's so simple & pure. NORMAL carrot seeds, purchased from an old man who is STILL growing vegetables to feed his people, despite the cold & hard ground, sells YOU seeds so YOU can feed others too... and YOU'RE only buying them FOR a friend in need. It's all charity, simple as food & friendship.
✱ Carrots are hardy ROOT vegetables that can withstand tougher climates; they are actually TAPROOTS, reservoirs of nutrition for the plant, which are designed to dig DEEPLY into the soil to REACH WATER & SURVIVE DROUGHT. They are difficult to remove & are SINGULAR in purpose, not a tangled mes, and you CANNOT DIVIDE IT & have it still grow WITHOUT THE CROWN & ROOT IN EACH PART!!! "I am the Vine," etc., but ALSO Christ is our CROWN! And attached SINGULARLY to Him, we too can send down DEEP taproots int he dark yet fertile soils of life, where we WILL anchor in BY UNITY TO CHRIST BY FAITH, and absorb life from deeply hidden springs of LIVING WATER despite any lethal droughts on the surface world.
✱ OH. Also, Glastrier is PESTILENCE. He WEARS A CROWN & USES ARROWS (AGAIN). White horses in general were associated with warrior heroes, fertility, & END OF TIMES SAVIOR, Who traditionally rode a white horse in triumph over evil-- but white horses can ALSO mean DEATH, and when linked to pestilence/ disease, we have a tie to ETERNATUS as well. BUT. In general, horses represent freedom & power & spiritual awareness, BUT when the ego takes over that you get the ANTICHRIST, not the real Christ. In any case, it is CONQUEST.
✱ White horses are often PSYCHOPOMPS, guides between the LIVING & DEAD (Christ or Satan, abundance or famine, etc.). They are also heroic & pure & the ONLY fitting mount for a King! So there's a dichotomy, with which one Glastrier can become-- alone or serving Calyrex. An evil white horse has poison arrows; a good one, LOVE.
✱ Tangent: the BLACK horse of famine, Spectrier, is JUST (scales) in how misuse, neglect, & luxury will lead to LOSS & DEATH: "Memento mori," the ghostly steed reminds us of consequence and the beyond. It is ONLY by honoring the reality of death & the soul that we CAN let go of greed & gluttony, and THAT is why Calyrex uses Spectrier to BRING ABUNDANCE. "Our daily bread" is still needed, but we MUST RECEIVE IT FROM THE KING, and use it JUSTLY! Spectrier reminds us of the alternative & cost.
✱ White is FALSE PROPHETS of pride, of whitewashed tombs, of power held through lies.
✱ The Black horse DOESN'T TOUCH the oil & wine (blood & anointing?) but there's NO BREAD (Christ)!
✱ Carrots symbolize HONESTY, confidence in good conscience, integrity, wellbeing, HEALTH & PROSPERITY, fruits of labor, success in efforts, LONG patience (esp. hidden & dark). They also IMPROVE OUR EYESIGHT-- BOTH STEEDS ARE BASICALLY BLIND. They have NO vision on their own, wild & free but with NO DIRECTION. Calyrex's carrots are PURPOSE-- a vision of meaning & a future! This WILL bring them all those other good qualities.
✱ In Hebrew, CARROT = CUT ("g.z.r." root), as in making a DECISIVE CHOICE ("cut" a choice) one way or the other.  Combining this with the carrot-- given as FOOD, requiring a sort of surrender to humble service & helplessness (can't feed self, need help to live, NO PRIDE)-- is a choice between LIFE & DEATH again. Relatedly, the "carrot & stick" metaphor contrasts "hard vs soft" power-- obedience through punishment, OR through reward. Yes it's a basic start, BUT any good heart will inevitably soften to true devotion towards someone who is/was willing to feed & guide you even when you were greedy & stubborn & ungrateful. Calyrex just loves his horse and wants him back. So he, although nearly powerless alone, humbly asks others to aid him in this mission of mercy & kindness, PERPETUATING those virtues, all to grow his friend's favorite food as a PEACE GIFT-- Glas/Spec used to STEAL them! But here is one JUST for him, growing right in the midst of ice & graces-- love & life flourishing hardy & strong despite all odds. This carrot is the ultimate reward in what it manifests, of Calyrex & their bond. 

1. CROWN TEMPLE / SHRINE (CHRIST/ CHURCH HOME)
GLAS/SPEC IS STILL THERE, WATCHING, but WON'T COME OUT WITHOUT THE CARROT! (needs that tangible good, that hope made REAL)
2. PATH TO THE PEAK (CROWN PUN; "HEAD") = ALL barren snowy trees. STEPS! & AWFUL Giga beams. NO ABILITIES; stripped.
3. TUNNEL TO THE TOP/ SUMMIT (EUCHARIST REF, "source & summit") = CAVE. Winding! Tied to HEART; INITIATION? SEARCH FOR MEANING. + TOMB! ✞
4. SNOWY VALLEY/ SLOPE = FIRST snowy spot. Going UP! (get ice carrot)
5. GIANT'S BED = HUGE. → GIANT'S FOOT (scary) RUINS. DEVIL TRIED TO "STOMP OUT" GOOD??
(RUMBLING SEA CAVES  THREE POINT PASS  SPLIT DECISION RUINS FRIGID SEA)
↑(FROSTPOINT FIELD = BETWEEN 2 PATHS. Cold. Flat, or UP) → FREEZINGTON (The ONLY settlement!!!) → (DEAD END) SLIPPERY slope/ Max lair (HELL)
6. OLD CEMETERY (shade carrot) (No snow. Lots of ghosts BUT ALSO NIDORAN??? "Till death do us part" pair??) (AUDINO too!! "Listen" and "hearing the HEART"; life despite death) (THERE ARE RUINS?? of CHURCHES??)
7. [RIVER] BALLIMERE LAKE
→ (surrounds) DYNA TREE HILL (in it) (GLUTTONY.) (Also NO HEALING POSSIBLE; just the tainted Berries!!! LOST EDEN SATAN TREE) LAKESIDE CAVE

✱ About that fear of Calyrex "stealing bodies?" DEER & RABBITS DON'T EAT PEONIES.
✱ Peonies cure many diseases, and WHITE ones show APOLOGY. Also peonies are for 12th anniversaries= 12 is PERFECTION OF GOV'T AUTHORITY-- the King has returned, contrite, and seeks to COMPLETE his love-- Christ marrying His Church, and lovingly ruling Her.
✱White Peony ROOT is said to cure pain (sin), inflammation (vices), cramps (sin hinders), autoimmune (selfdestruct), & bloodclots (wrong life). There's TONS of symbolism! White Peony symbolizing "apology, regret, shame," and Peonies being generally "compassion, honor, fortune, joy, etc." = White: PURE, VS "White horse" paradox of PRIDE! The "King of Flowers" (CHRIST) purifies this color true, making it a bridge to HIM & His cures THROUGH that humility & love! For Calyrex to speak THROUGH PEONY exemplifies this. He's the flower given a HEALING gesture, to RESTORE relationship, allowing PERFECT KINGSHIP to be restored, thus curing the ills of stubborn pride and FLOURISHING THROUGH SERVICE & COOPERATION.
✱ BTW Peony really seems to have a pure heart. He is SUCH a dad... and he has GREAT FAITH; open heart.
✱ THAT SCARY DYNAMAX TREE has FRUITS that are basically SATAN APPLES (fallen Eden) (the birds that eat it FIGHT): the tree is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE "GARDEN" (vs. Tundra), surrounded by water, and IF YOU EAT OF IT YOU WILL "BE LIKE A GOD," but an EVIL "god," ETERNATUS... because Dynamax energy IS PART OF ITS BODY/ ESSENCE and it's a HORRIBLE corruption of intimacy, an power, in AWFUL contrast to Calyrex = His power is FOR OTHERS, supportive, humble, etc. But Eternatus power is FOR SELF, offensive, proud, etc. ALL "MAX" FORMS LOOK DEMONIC... & BIBLICAL GIANTS WERE DESCENDED FROM FALLEN ANGELS. The "Giant's Footprint" appears to have STOMPED ON CHURCHES??? There are RUINS BY A GRAVEYARD. And that area of misleading verdance-- oh yes, it's a "garden," but the ONLY food is TOXIC and NO ONE LIVES THERE, ONLY GRAVES-- opens up into SEA CAVES & a FRIGID OCEAN... inhospitable, undrinkable, rough waters bringing DEATH, NOT LIFE, & symbolizing the devil again. "Three point pass" leads to 3 dead ends. It's a scary mockery.
✱ BUT!!! THAT THREE WITH THE FRUIT WAS NOT CREATED EVIL, and there IS HOPE OF REDEMPTION FOR IT... IN CALYREX. That bud on his head isn't a "flower," per se. IT'S A FRUIT BUD. And it appears to be the SAME KIND AS THE DYNAMAX TREE, before it "fell" (when Eternatus fell)! In official art, the "bud" LOOKS TRANSLUCENT even, as if it weren't a flower but a FRUIT.
✱ Calyrex's "bud" LOOKS just like a Peony, BUT its connection to the Dynamax & large calyx makes it STRONGLY RESEMBLE A PERSIMMON. And some persimmons ARE PURPLE. That's very close to the Red/Blue dichotomy in Dyna/Caly, as persimmons are Orange/Purple, and purple is RIPE? But the shape is EXACT, even with the "bulge lines" into 4 sections. It's soft & translucent and the ONLY RIPE FRUIT LEFT, truly-- the only one that is NATURALLY EDIBLE, not "mutated" & toxic! OH-- AND IT'S ONLY "GLOWY" WHEN HE'S ON HIS HORSE. Otherwise, alone, it's the same opaque dark green as the "buds" around his neck, which don't change color on the horse.
✱He has 8 buds, which symbolizes HOPE, "new beginnings," salvation, triumph, bright futures, etc.
✱But he's ALL BUDS. He's a CALYX, NOT A BLOSSOM HIMSELF: The calyx is the FIRST part of a flower that develops, and the petals & parts grow WITHIN. The calyx PROTECTS the flower as it develops, preventing it from drying out.
✱BUT. "After flowering, many plants have NO MORE USE FOR THEIR CALYX, AND IT BEGINS TO WITHER." THAT'S what the villagers did-- when they finally had food & flowers, they LET CALYREX WILT... but they didn't realize that THEIR SOULS WEREN'T MATURE, and Calyrex was PROTECTING & NURTURING THEM. So once he was thrown off... the cold returned & crushed them. Their hearts dried up from lack of gratitude & love. They weren't ready to bloom on their own yet-- and wouldn't be WITHOUT that cooperative unity!
✱"THE HOLY GRAIL OF FLOWERS IS THE BLUE ROSE." They DON'T EXIST in nature, but are rich with myth, symbolizing a LONGING FOR MIRACLES, the "search for the impossible," wishes/ dreams becoming reality, etc. In general, roses symbolize ARDENT LOVE & BEAUTY, the "QUEEN OF FLOWERS," and a blue one in that respect speaks to a PERFECT love-- a HOLY love, blue as the heavens. There are also 2 myths in which a woman would only marry a man who gave her a blue rose: many tricked her with stone, paint, magic, but this is not true love. Ultimately, a simple & pure man gave her a white rose-- "if their love is true, it will be blue." And so it was!! Blue roses are NOT unrequited-- just "unattainable," and for GOOD REASON: true & perfect love CANNOT be "attained," or created, or hunted down, or bred, etc. Blue roses, according to myth, ONLY come through a PURE & HUMBLE GIFT OF A WHITE ROSE. Where others gave up of this "impossible task" or turned to trickery, the one who valued LOVE persisted in HUMILITY... and FAITH, NOT POWER OR PRESTIGE!!! That's why it's "impossible"... BUT "nothing is impossible for God." In the Chinese marriage folktale, actually, the princess ALONE could see the blue in the white because THROUGH LOVE & TRUST, HER FAITH LET HER SEE THE HIDDEN TRUTH. Tying this to Calyrex, and the mythicality of the blue rose, HE grants miracles THROUGH FAITH, FOR LOVE WITHOUT COST, selfless not sensual, BUT power schemes & doubt & the like BLOCK both his power AND will make him fade from sight! His love also cannot be forced. He can only bless through pure gift: notably the Reins, which REQUIRE A PETAL, a beautiful blue one that OBVIOUSLY is from a rose... a WILD ROSE. And it GLOWS.
✱ OH, BY THE WAY. The reason why the white rose alone can become blue is because it is HUMBLE = EMPTY OF SELF so it CAN HOLD THE UN-EARTHLY COLOR. All other roses are full of THEMSELVES = pride in their power, beauty, etc.: in their own merits. But you can't love like that... blue pigment DOESN'T EXIST IN NATURE. Blue ONLY exists AS LIGHT. So ONLY a white rose can BE blue, by BOTH RECEIVING & REFLECTING that blue light-- the color of heaven, UNATTAINABLE UNLESS GIVEN IN LOVE to a heart that is PURE enough to reflect something BESIDES ITSELF. The "Holy Grail" is holy BY HOLDING.
✱ If Calyrex's 8-bud garland truly is of ROSEBUDS, they symbolize UNAWAKENED LOVE, but a garland of roses symbolizes "THE CROWING REWARD FOR THE MERITS OF HOLY VIRTUE"... but remember, "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." Roses HAVE FRUIT when they bloom BUT "fruit flesh becomes soft AFTER A FROST." So there's a LOT to unpack. Unawakened love = 8 buds for HOPE & SALVATION = Calyx protecting from death by inclement weather = Those buds will only bloom AFTER A FROST that will ALSO allow their eventual fruit TO BE SOFT, SWEET, & EDIBLE-- not hard & bitter & inedible. ALL of this is a recipe for LOVE, humility, self-giving, perseverance in virtue, purity of heart, right relationship & communion, etc. This is the journey of Calyrex & his people... and ALL OF THE ROSES ARE BLUE. Their whole story is one of sheer generosity-- it's ALL GIVING & GIVING BACK, and being open to receive IN LOVE. The INSTANT ego & pride & complacency fill up gratitude's humble place, THE BLUE CAN'T GLOW.
✱ About rose hips: they eat them IN SCOTLAND for their ANTIOXIDANT properties that FIGHT DISEASE (Eternatus)! But the Scottish rose (petal match) is the wild DOG ROSE, said to soothe "rabid bites" (DYNAMAX) and its 5 petals representing the WOUNDS OF CHRIST. Roses are also "pain & sweetness" which is VERY CATHOLIC. You must be willing to SUFFER FOR LOVE.
✱ The bud-mantle Calyrex wears is also marked by little TRIPLE TRIANGLES; an obvious tie to the HOLY TRINITY & Their Love, Communion, & Generosity. They are pointing DOWN & are dark blue, blue-gray, & white at the heart-- the latter an also OBVIOUS CALLBACK to the Blue Rose myths. When the heart-- where the Spirit dwells-- is PURE & WHITE, humble & not trying to glorify itself with pigment (earthly color), then it is EMBRACED BY CHRIST, Who is WHITE-BLUE as the INCARNATE GOD-- the truly divine FUSION of white & blue, literally impossible in anyone BUT Him-- and His Life in/ through/ with ours is the BRIDGE to TRUE Blue... God Himself, Love itself, the "ever-unattainable" BUT ever-given in love.
✱ The Blue & White triangles point DOWN: a symbol of receptivity, the WOMB, & the CHALICE! We must RECEIVE the Spirit, THROUGH God's grace poured out in BAPTISMAL WATER (cup), for our soul, like Mary's womb, to CONCEIVE THE SON... Whose Blood FILLS the Chalice.
✱ CHRIST is an UPWARDS triangle because it is PASSION & the force of action, the SWORD OF TRUTH that can ONLY occur INCARNATELY. Thus ONLY Christ can hold this "masculine" vibe because its ties to energy & activity REQUIRE A BODY-- the "feminine" down-shape is more subconscious mystery, in how they operate. BUT, NOTE THAT THE "FATHER" TRIANGLE UNITES BOTH.
✱ Three-triangle patterns ALSO symbolize many trinities of existence, notably PAST/ PRESENT/ FUTURE & CREATE/ DESTROY/ PRESERVE for Calyrex's powers of psychic vision & abundance.
✱ Three as a number also symbolizes harmony, completeness, & new life, and triplets emphasize the importance of something. Applied to these symbols on the BUDS-- 8 meaning hope & salvation-- shows how our salvation & hope is ONLY complete THROUGH the Trinity working in our hearts, working as a PROTECTIVE CALYX as our souls mature into wholeness of new life in Him, blooming as blue roses of selfless love, colored by the Divine.
✱ Alchemically, the up & down triangles are the unity of fire & water: two things plants need to grow (fire's light) and symbolizing the unity of power & meekness, justice & mercy, etc. Calyrex's kind kingship exemplifies this.
✱ Triangles in general mean "growth into higher states of being," higher purpose, transformation, etc. This applies to both Calyrex's calling Glas/Spec & bringing harvest ot of famine, but also its trinitive aspect reminds us that ALL those good things can ONLY occur THROUGH GOD WORKING IN US. Triangles are always spiritual, it seems; not carnal.
✱ Those buds are arguably SIERPINSKY TRIANGLES, too-- SELF-SIMILAR FRACTALS: zooming in on ANY part of one reveals a PERFECTLY IDENTICAL COPY of the original. VERY EUCHARISTIC! Fractals are found all over nature, too: in three branches, snowflakes, flowers, cabbages, etc.! They are proof of Divine order & elegance-- "patterns that the laws of nature repeat at different scales... we see this basic principle repeated in the fractal structure of organic life forms... every tree branch is a copy of the one that came before it." (CHRIST = VINE = LIFE; ALL THINGS THROUGH/ WITH/ IN HIM!) A fractal is like, one big basic heart-form that keeps "self-replicating" at increasingly smaller scales until you can't even SEE the original, all-embracing shape-form anymore... but you see all its fractal copies, echoing its essence infinitely. THAT'S GOD & CREATION!!
✱ FURTHERMORE, the also-ubiquitous natural FIBONACCI SEQUENCE-- recurrent geometric patterns & numbers-- began with RABBITS and is most clearly seen in FLOWERS. Everything has this divine ratio & symmetry as its wholeness. I just love that. There's no "deep symbolism" other than its referring to Calyrex's species, the bud-triangles speaking of uncomparable life & abundance despite all famine & loss, and the innate reflection of God in all things, giving them true life. The greatest fractal in existence-- indeed, the clearest-- is the Eucharist, the BREAD OF LIFE. Christ, our true King, gives us Himself PERFECTLY & INFINITELY. Calyrex cannot & does not, but his generosity does at least reflect that miracle of heavenly abundance, and the triangles remind us WHO is the source & summit of that.
✱ At its heart, a fractal is the great guarantee of infinite life & abundance, through the eternal life, love, & generosity of God. Look at Jesus & the "fractal bread." Have faith, & He will sustain you despite all famine.
✱ CALYREX'S EYES ARE ALSO TRIANGLES. The iris is 3 TONED: pale blue, grey blue, dark blue-- and the pupil is WHITE. This of course hearkens back to the blue rose + fractal points, BUT! 4, Biblically, means completeness & perfection, notably in CREATION: the divine 3 plus the 1 "other" that He has made in Love! So for that to be CALYREX'S EYES immediately ties into his GIFT OF SIGHT: he can see all events, past & present & future! True sight is COMPREHENSION THROUGH FAITH, seeing by the same Light of the world that makes white roses blue, seeing His infinite Being in nature... and Calyrex uses this sight TO HELP OTHERS, that extra 4th color of pure white, of selfless humility & purity OF sight-- of understanding.
✱ His eye color is the REVERSE color of the buds, giving a vibe not of "becoming/ maturing" but instead of that 4's PERFECTION, of being spiritually cognizant of God in all BUT recognizing Him AS Him, first. Christ is again the bridge, but here, the Spirit's color is the outermost and it's ROUND?? Which lends itself to seeing His influence IN all things, AND people, THROUGH CHRIST. And all of this is again set in white-- the same purity of heart at the core is ALSO what unites it all, "as within so without," the Golden Rule.
✱ Some notes while reviewing Calyrex's Pokédex data (because this is a very fluid "document")-- flower "crowns" are for the triumphant & faithful, but Calyrex's isn't a pagan garland but a ROYAL CORONATION CROWN: a symbol not of award, but of SERVICE TO THE PEOPLE! And in heraldry, green is both nature & WISDOM. Hope & health & life are other associations. But BLUE is ALL ROYALTY & PIETY, TRUST & LOYALTY, patience & understanding & humility & peace. Also rare virtue? Wisdom & intuition are united in it, and it is surrounded by similar spiritually calm virtues. So for Calyrex's bud to be primarily green with a blue heart gives vibes of that "green" life & hope & health, connection to others & need of community (lushness of rainforests, rich in chlorophyll, PINE green that survives the cold & shelters others), being what PROTECTS & NURTURES the deeper heart-virtues of BLUE; trustworthiness, wisdom, peace, understanding, loyalty, piety, stability, spirituality, etc. In the spectrum, Green is the BRIDGE between "body & soul," the hue of pure natural life, bringing the holy color virtues to the more earthly tones. Blue is all about honor & truth, but is softer in tone than indigo, bringing a sense of gentleness & mercy & empathy despite its "ethereal" essence.
✱ Calyrex's blues are notably unique-- the palest is PERIWINKLE, a flower color that symbolizes new friendships, new beginnings, purity, strength, & eternal love. It is all about cherishing; that's all Calyrex (bless him). It's also hop, innocence, peace, kindness, protection, loyalty, devotion, comfort, etc. It's also the "Virgin flower," for MARY, the CHALICE OF GOD! The next blue is actually CORNFLOWER, another flower hue! Cornflowers are "very courageous, being able to stand strong against all the elements of nature." They are signs of unfailing hope, they're edible, and in Greek myth, they were said to-- AGAIN-- HEAL WOUNDS CAUSED BY POISON ARROWS. They are fragile in appearance but terrifically hardy. They can represent chaste love, purity, & blessedness; hope in love; fidelity, life, resilience, tenderness... AND MARY, who gave us the true "corn," the grain of Wheat from Heaven, to feed every heart forever. They are super medicinal, too, especially for tired eyes-- symbolic of relieving the soul, too, of long watching & waiting for hope & deliverance. They herald good fortune, and "each bloom is a blessing." They are said to notably wilt when one's true love is unrequited-- that, too, happened to poor Calyrex.
✱ The final, darker blue is, unsurprisingly, royal blue. Its first notable association is with "paranormal vision"-- seeing beyond the physical, into the "royal kingdom of God" which is only visible with the heart. It also is associated with INNER sight & wisdom, clarity & decisiveness. It opens the heart & mind with integrity. Like most blues, it is trustworthy, reliable, calm, and communicative, but all of this is enriched further by its REGAL aspect, that encompassing honor. In general, it's about DIGNITY & KNOWLEDGE, uprightness, fidelity, and the essence of both AUTHORITY & SPIRITUALITY, notably UNITED. Royal blue is serious but emotionally sincere & deep, conservative but respectful, professional but courteous & peaceful, humble yet kingly IN such virtue. So this is all obviously very applicable to Calyrex: he is a gentle, wise, trustworthy, solemn, & honest king, not aloof but not attention-seeking, etc. Remember: Blue is the color of HEAVEN so inevitably it will carry those virtues, AND making this last hue on the bud-triangles (and his eyes) ROYAL emphasizes the fact that ALL kingship is ordained BY GOD, FOR GOD, and IN GOD. The ONLY true King is CHRIST, so ALL earthly authority is spiritually OBLIGATED to imitate His example in reflecting His royal role! That Divine authority symbolized by Calyrex's royal blue AND its placement: His sight & knowledge come FROM God, and it is God Who protects & nurtures all blooming virtue in our souls. Lastly, Calyrex's cape (+WINGS) follow the same pattern as the buds-- interestingly, as they symbolize quite literally both his kingly role AND the holy "angel = messenger of God's plans & purpose" aspect: Calyrex's kingship is not for himself, but for others, in BLESSING THEM. The cape/wings are primarily PERIWINKLE, only bordered by royal blue-- putting the emphasis on FRIENDSHIP, PURITY, KINDNESS, & ETERNAL LOVE, which are ringed with HEALING & COURAGE and only tipped with REGALITY & HONOR. All these virtues are present in equal importance, BUT!! In his normal form they are small and almost decorative, mostly hidden behind his back, and LOOKING LIKE TEPALS: a sepal (protector) that resembles a petal. HOWEVER. This is interesting because, although Calyrex does have floral ties to both Peonies & Dog Roses (btw HELLO HERO DUO), this little addition of his wings adds elements of a LILY: notably the AGAPANTHUS, the "BLUE LILY," whose name means "FLOWER OF LOVE." Like cornflowers, they are tenacious and strong, symbolizing the heart's power & spiritual strength. Notably their blue color, associated with their name of love, emphasizes HEARTFELT & NOBLE LOVE.
✱ They are believed to PROTECT FROM STORMS (Eternatus) AND HEART DISEASE (Calyrex mends hearts), as well as signifying valiant & caring protection in general.
✱ Tying into Spectrier, Agapanthus is often used in FUNERALS, made into wreaths & placed on coffins to "represent the beautiful soul of the deceased"!
✱ And, again, it's a sign of purity, "fertility," beauty of soul, & loving relationships. They are ALSO tied medicinally to HEALTHY BABIES-- noted because flowers/ buds/ fruits are also reproductive.
✱ "Generosity of spirit" too! "AGAPE!"
✱ Note that Calyrex ISN'T wearing a CAPE (sleeveless), but a MANTLE!!! --and ONLY ON HIS STEED!!! By himself, he only appears to wear a BOLERO jacket. I note this solely because a "bolero" is a genre of song, "characterized by sophisticated lyrics dealing with love." It's all about heartfelt emotion, with a "beautiful singing melody," simple & purely romantic. It's like courtship; whereas the MANTLE is a symbol of AUTHORITY and POWER & RESPECT & PROTECTION, all Kingly aspects. The mantle "REQUIRES respect for the authority of the wearer," ESPECIALLY IN THE BIBLE: "there is no one in authority that GOD didn't put there!!" So HIS Power is working through them & protecting them. It is a GOD GIVEN power & authority that ONLY GOD CAN TAKE AWAY-- even if people disrespect it or forget or hate the king, GOD STILL SUSTAINS THEIR AUTHORITY, BY HIS WILL, FOR HIS PURPOSES. God also did this with PROPHETS-- their mantle was a tangible sign & proof that GOD CALLED THEM & they SPEAK FOR HIM. It is a sign of the HOLY SPIRIT upon them-- and for Calyrex, HE GETS WINGS TO SHOW THAT. This is why he continues to exercise power over his steeds, & has power to influence nature-- he's doing GOD'S CHARITABLE WORK, serving & blessing & healing others, with NO thought for himself-- he does assert his kingship, but NEVER demands or coerces obedience, or even loyalty, as it were-- his people lost faith and he did not retaliate; he respected THEIR free will-- for only freedom allows for GENUINE faith & loyalty & love. His power DID NOT DISAPPEAR-- it only was BLOCKED from affecting them, due to unbelief-- like Jesus & His miracles. SO. He manifests his mantle when his kingship CAN manifest, notably BY THE BOND OF UNITY with his steed-- no good & humble kind rules alone-- but he wears his "bolero" when alone, a symbol of SEEKING reciprocal love, of "romancing" his beloved people with sincerity & giving of himself. HE CANNOT RULE WITHOUT PEOPLE TO RULE, AND HE WILL NOT/ CANNOT RULE WITHOUT LOVING RELATIONSHIP.
✱ The "WINGS" are different too: his mantle has angelic/ bird wings, BUT his bolero has "fairy" or bug wings. Although yes, I consider them tepals in truth, the visual effect is still valid. Avoiding paganism, Calyrex's four tepal-wings resemble those of an iridescent beetle-- notably a JEWEL BEETLE. Not only is that an obvious reference to "CROWN JEWELS," the objects of metalwork & jewelry that "symbolize the particular power & continuity of the monarchy" (crown, sceptre, orb, sword, mace, ring, etc.) (BTW during coronation with these, they are ALSO ANOINTED WITH HOLY OIL!), but jewel beetle wings have been used AS ART for centuries, notably in RELIGION, for both their ethereal & unfading beauty (literally), but also for what they symbolize: beetles fly "between heaven & earth," dwelling in both, and they were used as FOOD-- notable because food = life, and eating something of such God-given yet humble beauty & flight was hoped to bestow such virtues upon the eater.
✱ In MANY shamanic societies, the beetle is mythically & profoundly linked to CREATION: their working with dirt balls evoked primordial "potter" themes & planet-shaping, in "retrieving/ shaping" that raw matter into shape. BUT note!! The beetle ONLY SHAPES, NOT CREATES! He's God's HELPER, in forming order out of chaos, & life out of death-- turning empty waste into a flourishing land. Very Calyrex! And the ball-pushing is WORK, spiritual work symbolically, but also LABOR FOR OTHERS, as the beetles do that FOR THEIR CHILDREN. In Egypt, this rolling is tied to the SUN, another life-giving symbol, yet ALSO tied to death in its setting, although still carrying the promise of sunrise. In his beetle wings, Calyrex evokes the essence of this "life cycle" with HARVESTS & HOPE, his ability & promise to work for others to bring blessings, his powers to make new life flourish AND help hearts "fly to higher things," the lasting beauty of SELF-GIVING, rebirth after suffering & apparent death (famine, Eternatus), the requisite of "dying to self" for the SOUL to be reborn "like the sun," ALSO BY THE SON, the spring after AND WITHIN winter. ALSO HEART SCARABS, focusing ALL of those virtuous things rightly in one's heart, not in any outer object, for all virtue comes from cooperation with God (the Divine)-- the One Who created life from dirt & can transmute ALL sorrows, & Whom the beetle "flies up to meet & bring His blessing down"-- MORE ANGEL VIBES! Honestly, there is SO MUCH Christ-parallelism with beetles in Egypt; it's notable, especially in its staggering humility... & overlooked beauty... & FOOD ASPECT, HELLO EUCHARIST = UNITY.
✱ Beetles were ALSO, like Christ, tied to DEATH as well as life, IN THE CONTEXT OF REBIRTH, & therefore also INITIATION = CORONATION in terms of being a "spiritual warrior," notably-- and all Kings carry a Sword.
✱ THERE'S MORE BLUE-DEER "SACRED ALTERATION" in that the scarab beetle was the "CUP OF DIONYSUS," relevant ONLY in the chalice & wine aspect, and the resulting "holy drunkenness" being a means of "communicating with the divine," noting wine's "inner fire" = HEART, & again lifting all this up to the Eucharist, a HOLY BANQUET given FROM SELF & ALTRUISTIC LOVE.
✱ HERE'S A KEY: THE SEMITIC PEOPLE WERE THE FIRST TO PORTRAY THE BEETLE WITH 4 WINGS = it being COMPLETENESS, only possible BY self-giving & communion with God & others, a holy paradox. AND. SAINT AMBROSE & OTHERS EQUATED THE BEETLE OF HABAKKUK 2:11 TO CHRIST, the true King & CREATOR! (Also Psalm 22:6 for His humility!)
✱ LASTLY, the beetle's "creator/ helper" myth was purified by this, in alchemical reference to Christ: the beetle was the "prima materia" of the great transmutable work of the soul, from dung to divine-- CHRIST was the "stone" created AFTER & BY HIS DEATH & RESURRECTION (SUN/SON), the jewel from the mire, the crown gem from the beetle's wing. This is the beautiful hope He gives us all, despite our wretchedness, and this great hope of life from death, of flying from dirt into heaven, from emptiness to fullness, is the King's promise bestowed on Calyrex to carry, the blessing of both physical & spiritual rebirth & growth into ever-lovelier things. Beetles are all about CHANGE!!
✱ As for the angel-mantle having those LONG GREEN ENDS, they simply remind me of EVERGREEN enedles... notably YEW. THERE'S A YEW, IN WALES, IN A CHURCHYARD, which is one of the OLDEST TREES IN THE WORLD. Like 5000 years! That's VIRTUALLY CANON with the sacred tree in Freezington!
✱ Yews, again, are symbols of LIFE & DEATH, said to transfer longevity to the warrior who used weapons of its wood, and said to protect against evil, notably against the devil himself.
✱ They resprout from a dying trunk = rebirth, but their RED BERRIES are lethally toxic = DEATH!
✱ CHURCHYARD YEWS are especially sacred, through prayer & proximity-- with weapons OR branches from it being vanquishers of evil. They decorated places of worship, reaching up to God yet rooted in the earth-- like the Church herself-- and its longevity a hope for eternal life in Christ, crucified on a tree, dotted with "red berries of blood."
✱ Some even say that the Cross WAS a yew!! This is fitting, as ancient cultures associated yews with death, funerals, sorrow, mourning, etc. It was also said to "draw out the poisons from the air" in graveyards, warding off evils. So it is treated with solemn honor in this "memento mori" respect.
✱ BUT. Remember that it is ALSO RESURRECTION, which requires death first!! Their presence, however melancholy in some respects, are also POWERFULLY HOPEFUL, living reminders of life AFTER death. Extracts from their bark have even been proven to fight cancerous tumors (DYNAMAX)!!
✱ BTW those berries AREN'T TOXIC TO DEER OR RABBITS.
✱ Their bark can withstand unlimited clipping & shaping-- metaphorically with Calyrex, no amount of "reshaping" his memory or "clipping" his power could damage him; the yew's wood is SOFT & grows slowly, giving it great strength & resilience.
✱ OH, and that ANCIENT Fortingall Yew was once used by locals to carve out DRINKING CUPS: "quaich" cups, inspired by ancient BLEEDING VESSELS-- even MORE Eucharist/ Cross connections-- even morseo as these quaichs are used as signs of FRIENDSHIP & WELCOME in community gatherings.
✱ There is an old legend that the yew was also the BURNING BUSH (sent by God to DELIVER HIS PEOPLE from slavery & starvation) & the tree "of Golgotha, growing FROM ADAM'S GRAVE." That's more death/ life, which is ALL super fitting as Calyrex ONLY wears his yew-like mantle ON HIS STEEDS, who are VERY death-associated BUT who paradoxically BOOST Calyrex's life abilities-- that's resurrection! "This is the tree of glory," BECAUSE Christ worked His redemption FROM one.
✱ Evergreens in general speak of life undying despite death (winter); BUT they have NEITHER fruit NOR flowers! Calyrex's ties to the yew are small yet significant BUT ONLY IN THE CONTEXT OF HIS MANTLE-- his sign of HOLY & PIOUS AUTHORITY. He is not immortal, nor is he so directly tied to death-- BUT that mantle gives him a SOLID RESURRECTION MISSION, something even greater than his life-blessing gifts.
✱ This is ALSO different from his beetle wings as they represent the JOURNEY TO & COOPERATION TOWARDS resurrection-- they do not herald it so immediately as the yew & its ties to the CROSS!
✱ Next up-- his last color! It's actually NOT straight-up gray; it appears to be IVORY, or even cream? But either way it's a WARM tiny, not a cold or neutral one, but its subtle enough to, again, give that vibe of gentle hope. Ivory in general is pure & comforting & soft, good balancing qualities for the authority of blue & formality of dark green. It's sophisticated, elegant but simple, pleasant & unassuming, but never harsh, aloof, or obtrusive. it's also close to BEIGE, which often gets a bad rap for being "boring," but it fits his humble nature perfectly. Beige is loyal & dependable, reliable & practical & constant. Predictability is not a bad thing when it concerns virtue, & the comfort sought by those in tumult & turmoil! And this is his BODY color-- not his flowers or bud or wings-- it's his own natural heart's purity. AND THAT IS WHAT BECOMES HIS ANGELIC MANTLE: could ANYONE truly serve God, or seek to work as His messenger, if they were not so humble of heart & poor in spirit?
✱ Ivory is "understated elegance," "a place of refuge," gentle warmth, reverence & humility, etc.
✱ In many images, though, Calyrex's color is more of a silvery GRAY. That color is "the perfect neutral," calming extremes & balancing between absolutes. It is intelligent & diplomatic, refined & dignified, authoritative & wise-- the virtuous benefits of "gray hair," as it were. Gray is reasonable, agreeable, sophisticated, and serious. It is "the soul of all color," and "a gray day provides the best light." It is a stable "middle ground" of clarity & prudence, free from wilder emotions. It makes all other colors glow without overwhelming. Gray "doesn't lead with emotions," is mature & stable, "solid as a rock" & therefore a safe soothing haven for turbulent & aggravated hearts. It avoids attention and publicity (private), but will offer practical insight to all who ASK. Gray can "overthink"-- Calyrex's massive noggin!-- because it sees AND UNDERSTANDS "both sides" so clearly. But it will never force anything, being supremely patient & still, maybe even too much-- it can miss opportunities to act? It is deeply self-reflective BUT needs help from brighter colors to take more active decisions according to it. Despite this, its "dynamic humility" makes it the "ideal authority figure," honoring & respecting others & always acting with equity, integrity, & candor. Lastly, gray can be grim; it does not deny darkness; but it also always holds on to the light.
✱ Calyrex is LIGHT GRAY which is MUCH more soothing & even hopeful than darker shades. Calyrex is arguably almost WHITE, too-- emphasizing "lighter" virtues while still preserving gray's roots-- and the warmer, ivory/ beige overcast is a perfect finishing touch for this king, making him approachable, personal, & amiable, but not overly so-- he is still private & unassuming. His neutrals are therefore the perfect complement to his dark blues & greens, adding levity & a touch of warmth without burning, and without stifling or muting them either-- the snowy gray even HIGHLIGHTS the "life-giving" hues in quiet contrast!
✱ One last color bit that I forgot before: the bud on his head DOES look like a PERSIMMON, and I still theorize it being a "FRUIT BUD" connecting him to the Dynamax tree & its fake, toxic "harvest"... notable because the Persimmon is also known as the "FRUIT OF THE GODS" or "DIVINE FRUIT"-- in this context, an EXPLICIT warning against the idolatry of power & self-worship, & another mini sermon about CHRIST being "THE VINE" apart from which NO FRUIT can grow in a soul, with the BLUE ROSE & PEONY/ PEYOTE ties emphasizing the elements of pure love & gracious healing.
✱ When RIPE they are nutritious & sweet; when UNRIPE they are BITTER, SOUR "CHOKE FRUITS". Pride has no humility or patience & you WILL choke on its impatient, immature, inedible "fruits."
✱ Persimmons symbolize PERSEVERANCE & HARDY ENDURANCE, as they thrive in many soils & can survive SUBZERO TEMPERATURES!! They are also DROUGHT TOLERANT & RESIST PESTS & DISEASE to a great extent. They are signs of "increased blessings" in one's endeavors, and their sweet beauty promotes joy & peace. The trees are ABUNDANT in fruit, promising prosperity, especially with its durability, and the branches are a protective home for small & weak creatures.
✱ They also represent TRANSFORMATION, ENLIGHTENMENT, & PRUDENT JUDGMENT-- this last bit as their inner-shape was said to PREDICT WINTER WEATHER!
✱ There are ISRAELI PERSIMMONS (Christ's land) that are ALWAYS SWEET, even when hard. They are called "SHARON FRUITS," after the Biblical plain, which was "proverbially fertile" & known for its ABUNDANT FLOWERS, and referenced in the Song of Songs with the "ROSE OF SHARON"-- a beautiful flower that grows in dry, unfavorable conditions, and whose delicate beauty was matched only by its HUMILITY, despite being a "lily among thorns" for that very fact. But this flower refers to CHRIST-- the bridegroom, the King of flowers, giving Himself to us in a gesture of totally committed love, unique in rarity & beauty & perfection. And, again, this desert rose was ALSO a HEALING flower, making this gift even more benevolent & selfless.
✱ Connecting these virtues to the persimmon-- notably since Calyrex's is GREEN, symbolizing "immaturity" & need of growth into wisdom-- shows that ONLY CHRIST gives us WISDOM & SPIRITUAL FRUIT, which requires LOVE & HUMILITY to receive.
✱ This "unripe green" is only tangential though as the INNER color is BLUE. So the TRUE fruit is ripe with HEAVEN'S color, but it is still in its green calyx because NO ONE BUT GOD HAS PERFECT WISDOM. Even if He gives us the fruit, it is paradoxically "never fully ripe," always needing more grace & patience to become more full of truth-- a process that terminates only IN heaven. So the "blue" impossible color hearkens to that unattainability, as does the blue rose: their fullness is ONLY tangible, whole, & accessible THROUGH PURE & HUMBLE LOVE.
✱ A note on Ravel's Bolero (as in the jacket)-- "the repeated theme & slow build has been called an 'exercise in hypnotism.'" It is "nostalgic, sweet, & quietly complex." Being a LOVE song, the repetition shows persistence in its devotion, & the slow build shows how, like fruit & flowers, true love sweetens & matures over time, with fidelity-- it is no wild, sudden infatuation. The "nostalgia" also refers to the people in Freezington reminiscing on when they knew & loved Calyrex, after they had become "hypnotized" by his constancy & forgotten how precious it was-- had forgotten to reciprocate or be grateful, their hearts lulled into complacency. They weren't truly listening-- for although the tune & harmony stay the same, more & more instruments come in over time, enriching the orchestration & adding flourishes of color to the heartbeat of a theme. Like the cycles of seasons & harvests, predictable & repetitive & slow, there is nevertheless always a new joy to it, a new sweetness, dear in its familiarity yet never quite the same twice. Love is not novelty, but fidelity, a solid prism for the light of grace. Itself it does not change, but every tiny shimmer of light casts new yet familiar rainbows. This is true, committed, joyful & grateful relationship. It is the "bolero" of perpetual courtship, of the core of love recognized by all yet always new, always returning even sweeter. Ravel himself disliked the bolero, claiming it had "no music in it" due to its repetition-- but isn't life itself repetition, cycle, pattern? And it IS music. Calyrex's little jacket is a little reference to the loving reliability of the harvest, but also of winter. Wisely, he heralds both, but with the inherent reassurance that spring will return, that hopes will be fulfilled, and that life cannot be stopped. Neither can love, and its power to GIVE life.
✱ Hares in general are a symbol of vitality, rebirth, & resurrection-- life & fertility, spring & autumn. The white color is for chastity & purity, removing all unsavory connotations. They are also PREY animals-- more self = food symbolism. In Egypt they are notably tied to the life/ death/ rebirth cycle too. Some myths see them as "spirit messengers," bringing wisdom from heavenly realms. They represent attention & contemplation with their ears & watchful nature. They are mild, humble, lucky, & good-natured, solitary yet auspicious, resourceful & clever. They can also be tricksters; there's definitely a hint of this in Calyrex's sense of humor.
✱ BUT! He is also PART DEER. They are typically seen as spiritual & mystical.


(black apples, avalon)
(GRAIL (+ calyx/ sepal))
(
↑KING ARTHUR (+ ZACIAN??))
(CELEBI ties? vision + element typing)





082716

Aug. 27th, 2016 06:22 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)



I'm using food as a replacement for self-love and human connection.

I'm looking through "pascalcampion"'s gallery on dA and it's awfully heartbreaking because everything is so sweet and domestic and human and simple, and I don't know what that feels like, but I want it so badly.
stuff like this, and this, and this... and this, and THIS,
if I had that I probably wouldn't be abusing myself constantly out of sheer despair.
yes I have God. yes, God is all I need.
maybe that's my sacrifice. learning to live with that void, that ache, and filling it with faith alone.


I think that's why I can't get over the disaster of slc.
waiting for three solid years to finally have that dream life, and seeing it actively crumble in front of me. finally getting human company, finally getting a little place to live, and then finding that not only was I terribly sick in the head, but the people I lived with didn't want me anymore. they had each other and that was enough. and that was fine. I just wish I had never hoped so stupidly for anything different. for a wholeness of three.
it wasn't meant to be. and that's fine too. I have moved on. we've forgotten them essentially, with no hard feelings. they're just lovely people who exist only in a distant alien fog of the past now. they are free now. and that is fine.

but now how do we start over, in this blank slate of square one, again?

slc felt like this. beauty around and safe places to stay and warmth inside and knowing i should be totally happy, i should be content, and on the surface i truly am; but every night i looked out at the night and i wanted to weep, feeling something is missing, something important is missing,


and yet at the same time I want to be alone.
like this, and this, and this. and these two especially.
but... "alone" is synonymous with "complete," because to be alone we have to be inside;
to be alone, we have to be we,
WE have to be,

I'm listening to eric whitacre and it fills me with such deep joy. that feeling of christmas, of warm light inside and snow outside and lit-up trees, of just lying there in the faint chill, voices in chorus like starlight in my ears. just like that. alone.
but you have to live entirely inside for that.

sometimes I have to go outside. we need to eat. we need to leave the house. and when we do, that's when the crippling feeling of where is my connection to humanity kicks me in the chest.
like… those domestic pictures, don't feel right? I love the warmth, but I don't know if I could be that close to someone, in that sense, here? at least not me. maybe someone else in here.


this feels like headspace, notably those old days with cz, and...

maybe that's the missing piece of both. maybe that's the companionship, and the spirituality. alone and together.
and isn't that a punch to the chest, too.

god. forgive me. i know exactly what i need. i already have it.
i have to stop being so damned afraid of it.

why?
when did that happen? why did it happen?

i suppose that's the real root we have to unearth here.

 

 

 






prismaticbleed: (worried)


We haven't been updating at all lately. Let me try to recap a few days.



- obsessively read westboro baptist stuff from the 15th to the 18th, got us horrifically scared and upset and we were a wreck for that entire week as a result. don't want to re-think about it now. it was toxic even though we believed it 100% at the time. it just... as selfish and wrong as it might be, and i hope it isn't, we don't want to believe that the all-creator god hates his creations enough to damn them for eternity, and make their lives on earth a living hell. when this church says "thank god for (insert disaster here)!!" claiming that it's his wrath falling on unforgiveable sinners, those who CANNOT be saved allegedly... it scares me. they toss around such shockingly harsh and cruel language, they're so caustic, their sense of "humor" is like salt in an infection... and like so many others, they claim that homosexuality is the ULTIMATE sin basically, and if you're gay, you're not only already headed to hell, but you're dragging the planet down with you. we dealt with enough of that existential dread in 2011, we don't need it again now, please, it's virtually impossible to cope with already.
...it's scary enough because part of us empathizes with that wish for everything to be purged and started over. but we'd never be hateful about it. we can't be. those of us who seem hateful aren't really, we've asked them, it always just collapses into crushing sorrow. there's no real hatred in us and i want it to stay that way.
anyway yeah that was last week.

- around the 18th-20th we were reading a bit about edgar cayce and the dead sea scrolls and all that, the family mentioned it and we decided to look into it again. so that's ongoing. we've been reading scripture a lot more lately as we miss it SO much and it is SO relevant so we're reviewing all the 'related' stuff too, all the other ancient religious texts, etc. we have tons of bookmarks and saved documents and screencaps, literally hundreds, you guys have no idea.

- went to stations of the cross at church on the 19th. WE NEEDED THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING. it was the sort of utterly perfect timing and impossibly deep/relevant message that used to define life for us, the loudest and most incredible sort of synchronicity, and we just wept from how much we missed it, how grateful we were, how much hope it carried in light of the week of hatred preceding it.

- past three days, obsessive reading about diet again, like in 2011 or whenever that was.
kind of scared because all the diets we've tried STILL DON’T WORK. we really need to do our own thing but the ultimate curse is that we don't trust our own judgment, not yet.
trying the raw food diet as it's what our body wants. terrific craving for raw spinach and asparagus lately anyway, unrelated to the diet research amusingly enough. we just want vegetables. nevertheless it's tricky because fruit STILL HURTS and the sugar is STILL tied to hackers and trauma so that's not going to work as-is. we're trying. we're really trying.
going to try hemp seeds or powder and sprouted grains this week, just a little, because eating nothing but raw vegs all day is ideal BUT our body gets miserable and hungry and tired? like it's awful, maybe it's the stress and fatigue giving us detox symptoms or something, maybe it's having 'unhealthy' cravings due to acute anxiety, that can happen. but it's better to have a safe non-veg option in a pinch, so the distraught e.d. alters don't start eating literal garbage out of desperation. poor kids. we're working with them.

- i haven't seen infinitii in too long and it's ripping my heart in half. when ze isn't around you know we're disconnected. i just have to make the extra effort to see hir, even if it's just wearing hir bubble again. you'd be surprised how quickly we get back in tune when that beloved creature shows up. it's probably because ze is this unignorable, emotionally massive reminder OF what we are and what's beyond and what's really worth something. and we need to keep all that in mind more than ever right now.

- wanting to look up music. genre-hunting is the main thing; we LOVE how many new genres have been "invented," it's so specific and varied and idiosyncratic. jay has a list of ones to look into more... pr&b, post-dubstep, art rock, sophisti-pop, trip-hop, nu gaze, future soul... lots of stuff. sounds cool, can't wait to discover new stuff with this.

- basia's "copernicus" has been playing nonstop, loudly, in our head for over 5 days straight. we haven't heard the song probably in over 5 years. so go figure.
also stuck in our head:
"baby you're mine" and "an olive tree" by basia
"unwell" by matchbox 20
"if god made you" by five for fighting
"you are" by charlie wilson
"don’t stop believing" by journey
"don’t stop" by fleetwood mac
and at least one other. however it all has a reason, the lyrics are ALL relevant in some way, that's not a surprise, our head always works that way. always a purpose.
however the big catch is that it's LOUD and it's very upsetting, like someone blasting a speaker in our brain from morning to night. (this could be related to the stress/sensory overload in that sense, and our mind is mirroring the external "noise" in a non-harmful way?) so when it gets too bad, we have to start consciously blasting "song of the ancients" or "esurientes" to drown it out. it takes ALL our concentration though so it's tiring.
it's making it hard to talk to anyone in headspace too because it's just noise, noise, noise. gotta put on some quiet stuff on spotify tonight and see if we can put different song roots in.

- no sleep. 4 hours on sunday and monday. 6 last night I think? but woke up three times during the night I think. not rested at all lately, never really "waking up" during the day, stuff is a fog and it hurts and we're so so so damn tired. we're up super early and we're home super late and we keep having to run errands and drive people places and such so it's too fast paced, too packed. it's exhausting.

- very very disturbing doc appointment yesterday. 'female' stuff, mandatory 2-3 year checkup thing. very telling that, I recall the last time we had such an appointment, we were shaken up and upset but no big meltdowns I don’t think? but yeah this time we could barely get redressed because we were choke-sobbing and rocking back and forth on the examination table and it was horrendous, our whole body was nauseous and in pain like a bruise, when we got out to the car a CHILD alter came out and started weeping and wailing like you wouldn’t believe. laurie actually had to cofront with them to comfort them, she was distraught, at a loss. the kid's a little boy, that's typical, but color is unsure. we want to find people INSIDE if possible. that's where the healing occurs best.

- at church last saturday. the disheveled "jessica" who's always angry in a desperate hopeful self-hating way, has decided that she wants to change. she's taken the name "cecelia" and she's in the lime hues, although that's now just showing as a sort of sheen over her browns. but yeah this is super super good news.

- past two nights, marathon re-reading "kill six billion demons," after forgetting about that comic for like two years. fantastically inspiring, helped us with getting some of our own concepts into better coherence, going to have to type leaguestuff tonight about it. anyway it's SUCH a good webcomic. some tar/plague ish upsetting stuff in the 'scriptures' but nothing we can't transmute into wisdom.

- one library in the valley had the last two "young wizards" books. at last. time to read.
we also took out "high wizardry" again because that one was so intriguing and the ending moved us so deeply, i'll never forget it. to think that when we first read it as a kid we never finished it, i guess it waited until the right time.

- disability hearing this morning, FINALLY, took a couple years. wattson spoke through most of it, but cannon edged in a little, as did overload? and of course we had to push through the a.p. at first. anyway it's done, now we wait to hear back.
speaking of waiting, we were so anxious when we got there that when we were in the waiting room, DREAD was fronting of all people, but so was a lime-spectrum person who kept resonating with the name "panic" fittingly. like marigold, they hold heavy anxiety, but this person is hypersensitive to sound in that respect. like running at 500% all the time, every little thing is so loud. i'm glad we've 'found' them, i knew there was someone like that for ages.



i'm exhausted. listening to jeff beck "cause we're ending as lovers" live at ronnie scotts! dad gave us this album a while back and it's such a good vibe. we saw the live performance on tv once, wow, wow. incredible stuff.

but yeah i'm tired. we all are it leaks out from the body essentially, gets to everyone. jay says we need to put extra effort into remembering our dreams lately, we haven't been due to waking up too too too fast, too suddenly. xenophon asked him the other day, upon waking, what his dream was, and that did help. but yeah maybe remembering our dreams again would help us feel "real" and alive again. when we dont remember our whole sense of reality is skewed and warped. it's like we're missing literally half our entire life.

sleep. tomorrow is thursday, meaning we don't get home until like 8:30 pm. busy day.
friday we have work and stations of the cross, don't know if anything else will come up.
then saturday is POKEMON DAY so we'll see what happens there.

i already can't spell to type i'm so tired so good night.




 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)



I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.


Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.


Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.


Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.


There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.



This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

Do your alter colors mean anything? If so, what?
Alter colors are most obviously tied to function. For example, all Red voices deal with creativity, and independence, and passion. All Violet voices deal with truth, and integrity, and self-knowledge. All Pink voices deal with innocence, graciousness, and affection. So on and so forth.
Every alter must “anchor” into a color in order to manifest internally (gaining a name, face, etc.). You can’t force a color switch after one anchors, but it can happen, especially if an alter’s inner “purpose” doesn’t truly match the color they’re currently in (this happened with Josephina, Lynne, and Nathaniel in the past).

That’s the most I can tell you for sure, though! The colors in our System have immense meaning, both by themselves and when applied to alters, but we haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact extent of those meanings. It may not even be possible; things shift constantly in here.

Do any of your meatspace friends know about your multiplicity/DID/MPD? If so do they address your alters as different people?
We've had a rather isolated life, as we live in the country and have never had much of a need to socialize even online. However, yes, our closest friends (at least 5) do know we have D.I.D., although only three of them have ever spoken to different System members (two of them even spoke to several of us in person). Regardless they all acknowledge and address us all as our own people, which we are very grateful for.

If/when your body was in school, what subjects attracted which alters?

We were just starting to become aware of our condition when college started (we had to drop out as a result), and high school was almost entirely lost to dissociation, so unfortunately we can't answer this question.

What kind of skills do your alters have on the inside that don’t manifest on the outside? Does this frustrate them?

All of the Retributors and Centralites have skills with weaponry, but for the most part that doesn't manifest outwards at all. The Centralites aren't bothered by it (their weapon usage is only for the inner world), but the Retributors can get notably shaken if they find the body is clumsy or otherwise unwieldy with their signature armaments.
Then of course you have the few members that have elemental or energy-based abilities, such as Javier (fire) and Leon (ice). This of course does not manifest on the outside, but the fact that such abilities are rarely used even upstairs keeps much dissonance from occurring.


Do system members ever play games outworld with each other?
Very rarely. We used to play Rock Band 3 and Soul Calbur 4 with each other, due to the extensive avatar customization, but we no longer have free access to an XBox so that's not really an option as of late.
To say a little more, though, we're really not 'game' people in general? Like the idea of playing games for recreation was always foreign, even to the child cores. Maybe that was because of context, whenever the downstairs family played games it was forced or stressful. So we never enjoyed it. For our earliest cores, 'fun' was being alone and often in our own head, and/or lost in the woods. Still is really.
Nevertheless, now that we're trying to find a safer environment in the external world, we may start trying to interact with each other within it. 'Outworld' stuff is still mostly alien to us.

What does your inner world look like?
Our inner world was dealt a massive blow back in December from which it is still recovering. Since we are rebuilding at the moment, I will answer this according to what it was like up until that event.
In short, how it looks depends on where you are. The main area is a coastal city like New York, except rather small in size (the entire city is compact into about the space of a small town), and it is surrounded by forests-- to the west are deciduous forests, while to the east are more tropical forests, as far as we can tell. Admittedly we didn't get to explore much of those areas before the December incident.


Do any of your alters play musical instruments?
Some of us do, but it's mostly internal. We have highly limited access to instruments downstairs, and the body is only schooled in piano and violin. All cores have access to that information (Jay, Jewel, etc.), as do all music voices (Zwei, Einsatz, etc.). Some music alters also sing, but that is tied to body dysphoria and some traumatic situations so it is becoming rare nowadays.
Internally, though, for the most part people just "channel" sounds through themselves in the form of resonant instruments. So that obviously doesn't translate into the physical.
In that sense, Lynne plays violin & cello, Javier plays piano, Laurie plays electric guitar, Waldorf likes synthesizers, and Spine is our percussionist. Everyone else isn't as specific and/or strongly tied to music.

How do you and your other parts communicate? Do you have an inner world or "brain dumps"?
We have a very complex inner world, and have since the very beginning. It's also tied, by distant extension, to a network of other "inner worlds" that Jewel and Jay write for.
"Brain dumps" are relatively new, as for us they are managed by alters-- there are four Archivists who have access to memory/data continuity and therefore they help prevent total confusion in new, or sudden, fronters.

What are your favorite and least favorite parts of having multiple people in your head?
We are all grateful for the knowledge that, through hard-won experience and constant growth, we can always deal with what life throws at us, one way or another. However, the best aspect of this 'condition' is definitely the deep friendships and equally deep love (on both personal and community levels) within the System.
The worst bit is when the "bad" voices appear (which we are strongly suspecting are not part of our inner world at all, and may even be external), or when System people are badly triggered (esp. the children). Some of us also dislike the fact that it's not 'safe or appropriate' for us to switch out most of the time, although most of our members are perfectly fine with that fact.


What is the age range between all of your parts?
Age is something none of us really understand, as we base our 'ages' on the dates we first appeared in the System-- none of us are older than 17 in that respect.
We see human age as four chunks of appearance-based variety: childhood, young adulthood, adulthood, and old age (with the third part being the most baffling). We have at least three children and teens, and the rest of us are 'adults' although none of us could give you an age if you asked.
Nonhuman members, such as Infinitii and CZ, eschew the concept of age altogether.

Do any of the parts do better in some areas of daily life than others? What are they?
Absolutely. Most of us are built for internal living, so for such individuals physical life can be confusing at best and disturbing at worst.
We all fail at communication, for various reasons, outside of the therapist's office-- and even there many of us cannot figure out how to speak aloud.

What different religions are present in your system? How does everyone practice their own beliefs?
The vast majority of us do not have any 'religion' to speak of. Christina Marie is the marked exception, and she is a Roman Catholic, the religion the body was raised as. Unfortunately our initial experiences with those teachings were brutal and rather negative, and that sort of "fire and brimstone" mindset is what Christina holds on to as well as the brighter things we all still treasure in our own right. We're currently helping both her and the other traumatized members of our System rise above that ancient self-damning mindset, but morally-based pain is the hardest to alleviate. It's a process.
As a long-term result of that-- we spent years "soul-searching" and dabbling in many different religions-- none of us really currently 'practice' any beliefs in a religious sense. Dogma, creed and ritual are alien to us. However the very function of our System requires that, for everything to work as it should, we all must live according to our best qualities, and for the good of the all, however that may individually be expressed.
Our System was created in order to protect, to heal, and to survive. Trauma may indeed have been our starting point, but by our very definition, we were never supposed to promote or prolong that negativity. Therefore, virtues such as forgiveness, compassion, courage, respect, responsibility, community, charity, and love, are what our System survives on. Without them, we lose coherence and health both, and begin to fracture.
We don't subscribe or affiliate with any specific religion, but we can see the same roots of our System in every religion we've yet encountered, and so we feel no need to label and limit our constantly evolving perspective concerning those roots as a result.


What's a sure way to cheer up the five last fronters?
Let's see, according to our notes from therapy this week, that would be… Jay, Laurie, Algorith, Wreckage, and Sherlock. Nice bunch.
Jay is our current Core. He's sparkly-eyed by nature, so it's rather easy to cheer him up, but he struggles with self-identity so he doesn't have many concrete interests. However, the creative work he shares with Jewel will have him grinning in an instant.
Laurie is the Protector of our System. She's very chill and doesn't dwell on negatives unnecessarily.
Algorith and Wreckage are both Retributors, which means they're frequently non-cheery by definition of their job. Algorith likes hiphop music though. Wreckage is trickier; she only calms down when she is 100% sure that those under her care are safe, so if you show concretely that you are not a threat and offer to help with such safety, she'll be happy.
Sherlock, our main Archivist, is an analytical fellow who spends all his time in a gigantic techno-library of sorts. Despite this he is very approachable. I'm sure if you showed any interest in the archives, especially as a question, he'd immediately start on an info-dump for that topic-- rather enthusiastically, I might add.


What genders are represented in your system? How does the body present? Does this create any problems for the system members of different genders?
As stated here, due to early trauma, only two or three of our members are biologically sexual, and even those who are humanoid don't quite understand the application of gender as a solid concept. For us, "male" and "female" pertain to pronouns and presentation alone, for the most part, and all of us are fine with at least being referred to as one or the other, for simplicity's sake.
General identifications are as follows (roughly= gender markers indicate binary pronoun preferences only):
Female♀: Aimee, Jewel, Lynne, Amara, Bridget, Missy, Christina, "the singer"
Male♂: Jayce, Garrison, Sergei, the GMQ trio, Markus, Leon
Bigender: Josephina♂, Xenophon♀, Amara
Pangender: Julie♀, Infinitii♂
Genderqueer: Kalisha♀, Javier♂, Waldorf♀, CZ♂, Knife♂, Isadora♀, Jeremiah♂, Pinstripe♂, Mr. Sandman♂
Androgyne: Nathaniel♂, Kyanos♂, Rio♂, Genesis♂
Agender: Jay♂, Laurie♀, Zwei♀, Einsatz♂, Spice♀, Cannon♀, Hyakin♂, Overload♀, Sugar♀, Mulberry♀, Sherlock♂, "airport"♂
Nongendered species: Spine♀, Algorith♀, Wreckage♀, Emmett♂, Cel♀, "the bear," ♂ "the destroyer," ♀ "mermaid"♀
Too young to bother: Minty♀, Razor♀, Simeon♂, Marigold♀, David♂
Unknown: "honeybee," ♀ "dead red," ♂ "victorian pink," ♀ "oni girl"♀, etc.


Are there any nonhumans in your system? If so what kind?
Technically, we're all "nonhuman." Our term of "headvoice" also works as a species name, for lack of a better term, and applies to all of us, both humanoid and beastly, as we all function similarly at heart. However, yes, most of us still pass for humans at a glance, albeit painted in technicolor hues of course.
As for those who are obviously not humanoid, we have a decent amount, although again they are not the majority-- which is admittedly a shock, as our original hosts had almost exclusively internal lives and therefore associated constantly with nonhumans. However said nonhumans were tied to an entirely different sort of inner world than ours, and therefore that massive split in function likely contributed to us appearing far more human than those non-traumatized individuals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:53 pm

3. tattoos i have
8. top 5 (insert subject)
9. tattoos i want
13. life goal(s)
16. favorite movie
17. a fact about my life
20. anything you want to ask


etothefifth asked: 16!

Aha this is the toughest question.
I don’t watch many movies, and I even tend to only remember them if they have some sort of creative impact on me— if not, I’ll probably forget it entirely.
On such film that has stayed with me for years is Metropolis— specifically the one based off the manga by Osamu Tezuka.
Of course I loved the artwork, setting, and characters, but the plot is what caught me the most strongly. It deals with a future society in which robots are commonplace, but are basically seen as cheap mechanical labor. However, many ‘bots display a sort of rudimentary but obvious awareness of their existence. Thus many ethical questions arise, around politics and morality mostly. Then a political figurehead tries to put a robot in power! Tensions rise and explode into revolution, and ultimately the fate of the entire world hangs in the balance.
It’s fascinating really. I have a real soft spot for that sort of thing (at least two of my personal creative series deal with similar concepts) so of course I was immediately hooked.
Honestly though I LOVE Tima, she is really dear to me as a character. I won’t tell you about her because spoilers, but she’s fantastic. (Duke Red is also ridiculously pretty and despite his flaws I like him a lot.)
This is also the first movie that made me weep openly at the ending, both from shock and emotional impact. So that’s notable.
Other movies I remember fondly are Inception, Rise of the Guardians, A.I.,
and Pokemon 3: Spell of the Unown (really).

celestriakle asked: 3/9 (idk if you have or want any tattoos; if no, top 5 shapes) 16 17

I don’t have any tattoos, but I’ve been wanting to get at least one since I started high school! What I’d get is still undecided, although these have been the longest-running ideas:
1. The personal symbols for all our System’s “Outspacers” up the inside of my left arm.
2. The personal symbols for the Guardians in Dream World up the inside of my right arm.
3. "Chaos is power, enriched by the heart" right in the middle of my chest. (No one is surprised)
4. Laurie once wanted me to get “Vigilance” on my right hand and “Compassion” on my left, I think.
5. FROST* lyrics, somewhere. Cliche, maybe, but Black Light Machine did have a massive impact on my life progression so I kind of feel indebted.
6. If I ever feel like being daring as hell, I’d get that weird “lotus mark” on my lower abdomen (that I have in headspace) tattooed. Infi would be proud.
Mainly, any and all tattoos I’d get would have to do with either headspace, or the Leagueworlds. They’re the only things in my life that have proved to be ‘permanent’ enough to merit a similar physical representation.
Top 5 shapes though, you know me too well! For whatever reason I am completely enamored with geometric shapes.
Unsurprisingly the simplest answer to this question is to Google “sacred geometry.” All that stuff is like liquid gold to my eyes; I could stare at it for hours and I know that because I have, haha.
As for more general shapes:
Hearts(❤) and stars(★) are up top, as they are my personal motif. Symbolically they’re both fascinating as well.
I actually really like diamonds(♦). They’re very elegant, but they have a feeling of authority or respect to them. Triangles are also awesome but diamonds are less ‘harsh’ in essence. (Synesthetically, for me triangles are usually lime green and diamonds are dodger blue.)
Crosses are also super cool (+). They’re perfectly balanced, but almost iconic. My favorite thing about them is their symmetry, and the fact that they feel mathematical instead of just visual. It’s hard to explain but I really like it.
Lastly I’m just going to say SPHERES, if they count. I especially like holding spherical things; their surface area feels almost infinite, how it just flows nonstop. It’s super cool.
I just answered 16 for etothefifth, so lastly here’s a fact (or three) about my life.
First off, most basic: I live in Pennsylvania. (I don’t know if that was ever said here.) It’s pretty great; there are trees everywhere and we virtually never have severe weather. Plus we get LOTS of snow in the winter.
I lived in Utah for about 6 months total, right on the edge of SLC, and although I loved that too I could never last very long in a city environment. I need solitude, rolling hills, and green things; the desert does not mesh well with me.
I don’t remember most of my life prior to age 18 (thanks DID) so I can’t answer this question very well. But I guess that’s a fact too.
And now I’m going to give you facts about my parents because why not! (They basically define my ‘external life’ anyway, so.)
My dad is a really boss auto restoration mechanic. His work is meticulous. He used to draw pinstripe flames all over my tablets in elementary school; I loved it. He loves classic and blues rock, and introduced me to Todd Rundgren, Jeff Beck, and Queen, as well as many other fantastic artists. He has a ridiculously good memory for musical data, often around the histories of his favorite artists, which is always interesting to listen to. He’s also INCREDIBLE at building things. Honestly this guy will completely reupholster and refurnish his apartment for fun. He will build his own furniture AND do the floors/ walls/ electricity by hand, all with professional quality and precision. He has the patience of a saint. He’s a super cool and chill dude overall; I have a ton of respect for him.
My mom is a wannabe movie star but she’s worked at a hospital for 20 years (respiratory; she literally saves lives weekly). She’s a fairy princess at heart (dead serious) and I admire the fact that she has never lost that sparkly-eyed wonder and enthusiasm for life. She used to paint, but she still writes poetry and song lyrics, sometimes even for my music (which is really awesome). She’s a major foodie; she is always cooking and trying new recipes. She loves to travel too, just to see what’s out there. Most of all she has got one hell of an eye for design, in both art and fashion. She does tons of crafts in her spare time, from scratch, because “I just had an idea and wanted to see if I could do it.” And she always does! She has no fear of expressing herself and she has boundless care for those dear to her.


pojoisnowit asked: 8. top 5 happiest/most inspiring moments of your life 13. life goal(s)16. favorite movie 17. a fact about my life and 20. who do you look up to and why?

16 and 17 were already answered, so let me answer 20 first.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever really “looked up to” anyone. Even as a child, I never had any role models, and the concept was foreign to me. Sure, there were people I admired for various reasons— notably my grandmother, for her care and unfailing determination, and my favorite creative minds, for the sort of work they were able to produce— but I didn’t aspire to any of them.

Hm. Honestly if I “look up to” anyone, it would be my theoretical “future self.” Who I could be if I continue to try my hardest. I look at everything I admire in others, and instead of holding that above my own head, I always think: "with enough time and effort, I could accomplish that same thing. I could be that same way. If I truly want it, all I have to do is genuinely pursue it, and I will reach that goal." So I look up to myself. I want to be myself. I love and admire everything I am, and so I do not regret what I am not. I can always change that if I wish.
13, life goal(s). This is another question I’ve never quite been able to answer, because I’ve never really given much concrete thought as to the “future.” It was a foreign concept for much of my childhood, and when I got older I was always so focused on the here-and-now that it remained as such.
However, it’s been a constant that I do want to “complete and publicize” my creative works someday, however that manifests. I want to get them out there, in the hands of other people. Simple as that.
In the bigger picture though, I want to heal all this internal nonsense I’ve been ‘struggling with’ for years. Headspace has made massive progress on that recently, but the oldest roots are the toughest. However we won’t give up. That’s really my only goal… continue to grow, continue to shine brighter, continue to open up and love more. I want to be a warrior of the spirit, essentially. I want to be a powerful but compassionate example of everything the System and I work towards accepting more fully, all that good stuff. Really it’s more about “realizing” than “becoming;” it’s just getting out of my own way, taking the blinders off, letting go of all the excess nonsense that just holds me back. It just ‘takes time,’ as it were. So if that counts as a life ‘goal,’ then there it is!

Now for my top 5 happiest and/or most inspiring moments, not events. Hm.

1. I have to mention July 7th 2011, even if it’s the ‘obvious answer’ and even if it was more than just one moment. It just had such incredible, far-reaching aftereffects, because of how inspiring and joyful it ultimately was.
2. Similarly, October 2nd 2012. The “if you were waiting for a sign” moment, specifically the look of incredulous joy in response to it. You personally know all about that one, as it happened right in your apartment and thank you both for allowing us that opportunity. Honestly even though I don’t remember that entire year, there is this crushingly tangible bliss tied to that memory bank nonetheless and I cannot ever deny that.
3. The moment I first saw a certain completed art commission back in October 2009, which basically knocked my heart right out of the ballpark, good Lord. Honestly I still can’t look at it without smiling like a lovestruck idiot; it’s great.
4. Summer 2011, logging into my old Facebook account and seeing a message that I had dreamed of but never expected. Her exact words still glow in my heart, and I smile every time I think of that one tiny but astronomical communication between us.
5. The exact look on Laurie’s face at the end of this conversation. It was the first time I ever saw her smile like that, and I’ll never forget it.
Now it is 3AM and I am falling asleep standing up, so that’s it for tonight.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:58 pm

*AGGRESSIVELY TRIES TO FIGURE OUT HIS FAN GEN DETAILS*
Really though I'm probably trying too hard, you know me.
It's just that I want to dive headfirst into this community at long last (it's been a decade already) and all the lovely art and updates in the Engelbaum tag are a clarion call at this point, haha.

Anyway. I've always felt a powerful pull towards White, with Pink a close second and Amber following. However, if my Gen is effectively "the chaotic part of yourself that is normally suppressed," they are going to end up being quite a handful, if our previous System Cores are any indication. So I'm not sure what color that collective attitude would 'canonically' mesh with? There's a lot of wiggle room, so to speak. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
In any case it gives me an excuse to do more soul-searching, which is arguably my favorite pastime. my therapist will be proud




080513

Aug. 5th, 2013 12:19 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
 

 

 

 

okay listen
this is jay
i ams o sorry i dont know where i am or how

headspace ahs been out for like
a week
linear ltime
not long downsitars
upstairs very very lng.

autopilot almost in unconscious state
barelyable to type
almost have to sthu it off to bget through

whoever is downstaids doesnt know im here
cant let him or her know
cant 'or ill be gone
and thisbis imortant

he kept sthrowing art away just now
triyng gtog ett htough
thrwa atway alot
not coming through

its been so long in headsapce
so long
where are we

lonts of hacsk i things
dosntaria peole out abit
i know the undergroudners were out a bit today
cna barely type sorry

dawgin.
drawring
drawings
infinitii gott rhoguh
i saw it
just barely he somehow cahnneled thgohu

hes bbleeding somewherw
tyieed up lie he was after june
when he died for a bit
god dont let him die again

but
oh god help
i dont know whats going on
where is everybody

i think infis pregnant
id ont know how or withbwhat
but he has sonethung alivine in him
he said for me to not ;let it die
please
i said how
hes said save me
so i havetwo find him

the downstairs person is trying to nget me ot
almost knnows im here
have to go
got to fix this soemhiw
worryosr
sowrry.

dont tell anyone i was here
please

 



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

@ 12:26 am

 

 

 



‘Expand Your Horizon’ by Filiskun.

…This gives me an idea.

I can’t tell you what it is. It’s more of a feeling than a thought.

But I’ve wanted to post this for a long time, except it never felt right.
Tonight, right now, it feels like the most relevant thing in the world.

Whatever this is, it’s important.

 


---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

@ 12:51 am

 


 

JEWEL INFINITII

 

please i need to talk to you.

 

Is this the best way to do so?

 

yes fastest please

 

Infi, what is going on? Where are you?

 

in here. somewhere. dont worry about typos just write PLEASE

 

Infi. WHERE. What does it feel like?

 

nowhere under maybe somewhere deep and darl

 

Is it where you were before?

 

cant tell. maybe. god it hurts

 

I know, what can I do?

 

f fnf find me somehwo plaese.

 

Infi, I... I dont know how. I can't find anyoen else. I don't even know where I--

 

doest matter just LOOK eplase youre the only one who can

 

Right now? Or should I try to proejct?

 

right now

 

Are you sure?

 

yes. even a little just try

 

Okay. Should I tecord it?

 

if you want just come on please dont waste any time theres not much TIME LEF

 

...

 

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 @ 07:29 pm

 

 

 

Okay, Jay here, again.
Just updating to say that whoever was responsible for the August reset needs to stay off our laptop.
We really don't appreciate you deleting everything of ours just because it's not real to you, dude. Please be considerate of our reality, at the very least. You don't have to acknowledge it, just don't destroy it out of disgust/ irritation/ et cetera. Thanks bro.

In other news, dreams lately have been crazy realistic and elaborate, BUT falling asleep has been a nightmare (thanks to people fronting like mad at night, being triggered, and having insomnia something fierce). But we're trying to think positive about that. We'll be cool.

I'm going to update about last night in about... 30 minutes, tops? I need to exercise some more and I want to be in a good state of mind where I can just go into archival recall mode and info-spill everything here. It was INCREDIBLE and frightening and bizarre and overall really, really important. We haven't had a major headspace event like that in a very long time so it actually feels good, to realize we're suddenly back in full-swing two-hour-meditation-mode again, out of the blue. Look for the blessing in everything, you know.

Also we woke up to THIS, talk about synchronicity! ♥

That's something I've been meaning to mention, too.
It seems that whenever a reset attempt happens-- no matter what kind, no matter who is responsible, or when-- for however long the reset period lasts, the outer life will be bombarded with synchronicity. The amount of it seems to vary according to how severe the reset is, and with this last one... well, we were getting huge pushes to "GET BACK TO HEADSPACE" every single day. Of course the usual fronter ignored them, but I saw them. I was out here and there. I saw them all.
And that just... strikes me in the heart, you know? We keep wondering, "is it right for us to be in headspace? What if we're being led astray by this?" We all have doubts about it, especially with how it's tied to past trauma, and the like.
But hasn't it evolved beyond that? Haven't we all evolved beyond that?
Now it's something beautiful, something blessed... heck, it probably was all along, we just couldn't see it.
So I can't help but smile, to see all of this point us right back home.
It means so much.

Lastly. No one knows what's up with Infinitii yet.
I'm probably the only one who isn't surprised, though. The day he manifested, he specifically took his appearance from a certain pixiv artist's style, one that I absolutely adored (and still do)... but he focused on images like this. Always holding energy in his chest or abdomen. I clearly remember wondering about that, somewhat nervously, when I realized it-- you don't just hold energy in those places, in that manner, without it meaning something big-- but I accepted whatever he had chosen, because (to quote myself) "that felt very significant, almost sacred." And it always did, even when I was frightened of him, even when I tried to forget he was part of my life, part of me. It never stopped being something strange and somehow holy. He was the only person, ever, anywhere, that looked like that, and I wasn't immediately terrified of.
It was so bizarre though. That person's art was the first time I had ever seen something I considered explicitly sexual, something dangerous and scary, presented in a non-sexual way. Even more strange was the odd sort of innocence to it, in every simplified figure, with their closed eyes and fragile bodies and clear colors. It was something the likes of which I'd never before seen, and despite my hesitance, it gave me hope.
So when Infinitii suddenly ended up matching what he had mirrored exactly 5 months ago, I wasn't surprised at all.
I don't know if it's parthenogenetic. It strongly feels like it, as he has also expressed. It's strange.
I'm trying to figure out what it is, from the drawings that were channeled last night. It's still embryonic, but whereas Xennie looked similar to a celestial shark embryo, this one is far more traditional from what I can tell? Big eyes, a tail, and what look like forming limbs, although I can't be sure. Again, it's strange. I keep using that word but it just fits this situation far too well, so hey.

In a weird way I'm sort of blissfully happy over this?
I can't see Infinitii as a parent. It doesn't match who he is, or what he is. But I can see him creating life this way. It's always been this integral part of his existence, somehow, and seeing it suddenly manifest itself in such a manner... I dunno, I can't help but smile about it. And I love him. I really do. But I couldn't care less whether or not I have anything to do with this. It's one of those feelings I can't quite put into words.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting distracted and I do need to type up last night's data (as much as I can-- meditations are very hard to put into literal words, as they occur in a very non-literal place!) before sleep does a number on our recall again.
See you later.

 



 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

(not j)

Again, I don't remember most of today. My clearest memory is sitting on the floor of my mom's boyfriend's house, aware that I was incredibly nauseous but not feeling anything, looking at the clock that said 8PM and thinking-- shocked-- "but I just got up!"

I do know that I had a nightmare about being abused, again. It was unusual because it's the first time I've ever dreamed about men hurting me, but they were both fully clothed and didn't speak my language. They also did not seem to understand how badly they were hurting me, as they kept laughing amusedly at my screaming and begging for help, seemingly oblivious to my pain. It was scary because they weren't malicious, but they were destroying me.
It was also traumatic because I had a female body in the dream, which is rare, and horrific. Waking up, it made me realize that's why I can't have or deal with hetero relationships of any sort. They frighten me in the exact same way. I don't know why. The idea of... "having parts that fit" is the most disgusting, horrific, frightening, and abominable thing I can imagine. I won't elaborate on that any more.
I was told not to think about my dreams though so I won't.


The angry one came out again and yelled at my grandmother just now. I don't know why but I feel awful because this keeps happening; that voice hates my grandmother, and it will scream and yell at her whenever possible. It wants her to die, just as much as it wants me to die, and that worries me.

(not j)

I SWEAR I KNOW THERES A GUN IN THIS HOUSE SOMEWHERE IM GOING TO FIND THAT FREAKING THING AND I SWEAR I AM GOING TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS THROUGH THE WALL DO YOU HEAR ME YOU FILTHY SLUT DO YOU HEAR ME????!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR ALL THE EVIL THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU DEMON. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. YOU FILTHY SLUT. YOU DEMONIC FILTHY SLUT. DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU, YOU SLUT, YOU WHORE, YOU WITCH, CURSE YOU FOR EXISTING AT ALL. I HATE YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, uh, I don't know what that was either.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU WITH YOUR "YEAH UH" YOU THINK YOURE SO COOL YOU SOUND LIKE A WHORE YOU SLUT GO KILL YOURSELF GOD DAMN YOU

(j again)

That, right there, is why I don't want to type anymore. When I write on paper, switches like that are blindingly obvious, and rather disturbing.

A clairvoyant woman I know on FB just posted an update saying, "I never ever realized just how thick and heavy the "old" energy is here in PA." How true that is, sadly.
I feel so trapped here, especially in this house, where old tar clings to the walls and ceilings like dried blood. That might be why my brain also keeps "wanting to go back to SLC." To reiterate some old entries I remember reading, it's not Utah I miss, it's the travel. I was happier in the airport than I was during my entire stay in SLC, if my written recall can be trusted. Regardless, I know I want to get out of here, to somewhere where the air and energy around me doesn't feel like molten lava.

On that note. Did you know that that's exactly what happens to headspace energy when it gets corrupted, too? It gets thick and sludgy and ugly. I've seen that happen to Black, White, and Red energy, but nothing else... which is good. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

Also, let me bring up this point while I'm fronting and not someone else (a rare occurrence as of late, sadly), as it's a very dangerous topic, but it needs to be dealt with logically and without causing any more meltdowns.
The body has gained a lot of weight since we left Utah. We stopped fasting, and suddenly the body got rather... big. It's traumatic, for me, which is why I don't like to front, although I have to, to keep things in line. Problem is, that dysphoria makes it hard to anchor, so any reference to the body, or the cause for its largeness, will almost instantly cause one of the underground voices to shove me out of control. This happens 9 times out of 10, as well, so to speak. It's rather hellish. Ironically I have no problem with the body in and of itself. How it looks and functions does not bother me whatsoever, and when I am anchored I am not bothered by it in the slightest... however, when I am anchored I still don't consider myself to be in the body. (It's why I have trouble using it.) The minute I make eye contact with a mirror, or if someone refers to me as the body, I flicker and sputter out. I'm not sure if I could fix that, let alone if I should. I'm still trying to find someone upstairs to be a permanent downstairs fronter (within reason), but the only person who actually identifies with the form is Jess, and not only is she highly malevolent, but she takes control of the body whenever she feels like it the way it is.
With that in mind, my main concern is that we can't run from her triggers. Like it or not, the body needs to eat, but eating is one of our biggest negative triggers on any front.
Some voice-- I'm not sure who-- views eating (not even gluttony, just eating in general) as an unforgivable sin, on the same level as lust. "They're both deadly sins, and they both involve consuming and destroying, so they are equally sinful," it insists. I tried to remind it that Wrath is also a deadly sin, but it spits back that its wrath is "justified" by our sinfulness, and therefore it is permitted. On that note, it explains that-- in its opinion-- all the other deadly sins (sloth, envy, greed, pride) stem from "me trying to pretend I'm someone important"-- sloth from "not wanting to do what others want me to do," envy and greed from "being a selfish witch," and pride from "me trying to make an identity for myself like I'm something special." I find this all somewhat confusing; it seems that it sees everyone else upstairs, good and bad, as one individual-- but then again, I may be guilty of these sins after all. I can't quite tell who I am anymore, and that saddens me.
Anyway. As far as food is concerned, I'm not sure who is eating what, how much, and when. I can't remember the last time I ate anything, which does not surprise me; I typically have nothing to do with that function of the body. Whoever does, though, isn't handling their job well. I'm hoping Emmett can become our permanent on that front, if at all possible-- he knows what makes the body sick, and he avoids it judiciously. Whoever is in charge of eating now... well, they don't care whether or not the body gets sick. Sometimes I wonder if they eat harmful foods for spite. I'm aware that my boss has tried to "call me into driving" several times during such occasions, and I'll suddenly find the body about to eat something very harmful, at which point I will immediately walk away in unsettled surprise.
Most importantly, once we leave the kitchen, the eating voices disappear. They ONLY show up in that context. I've realized that a LOT of the "voices" (not headvoices) we're struggling with are location-locked, moreso than context-locked. This means that if we are at a restaurant, the food voices might not show up at all, but the instant we set foot in the home kitchen, they're out and angry. I know a few very, VERY cruel voices used to be locked to the bathrooms, but they've since left (thank God)... unfortunately I know there's at least one locked to my bedroom now, which makes sleeping rather frightening at times.
I've written quite a lot here... I'm not sure how much is relevant to the point or not. Ah well. If I can only stay present and up front, I'm sure we can start taking steps to deal with this. All those rogue voices are tied to my brain somehow, so when they get crazy, I can't exactly anchor anywhere. We're working on it.

Personally, right now I'm trying to heal the resurfaced and surprisingly deep "fear of death" that is permeating the mind. The body's been in a lot of pain lately, and downstairs life in general has been highly stressful and rather despairing for all involved, not just us. So death is constantly hovering over our heads now, the sort of death that is unpredictable and painful, lingering and inescapable. We have no fear of suicide, or sudden death. We have no fear of what lies beyond. The fear I'm facing is the fear of "punishment" through death, as it views death as "divine retribution" for "not having lived life well enough." That alone is a dangerous mindset; if we suddenly contracted cancer, we'd blame ourselves for it within this mindset, viewing it as "God's righteous judgment" for some horrible sin we apparently committed.
I don't like that mindset, and I'll admit it. The idea that "God" is some sort of wrathful being, ready to strike down "evildoers" at the slightest mistake, bothers me greatly, but it's an old and rooted thought up here, one which I am having trouble removing.
That reminds me... I'm still reading When Rabbit Howls, and I'm currently on page 104, where a quote VERY relevant to this topic is spoken, in such a manner that I had to read it twice to convince myself it hadn't been stolen from our own head:
"Did I do something wrong? You look at me so funny. What did I do wrong? This is a lot like being back home. I was always scared I'd done something wrong. I spent a lot of time being scared that the mother would see the special badness the stepfather hinted we were capable of. Was it so horrible that he couldn't say it out loud? Why didn't I remember it? Why was he at me, everywhere I looked, trying to do things to me...?"
That is the EXACT mindset we had as a child. I don't know where that mindset originated from, but it's a VERY old and powerful one, and it's lethal. It's the exact mindset that gave Julie and the Tar to do what they did for years... and it's the same mindset that perpetuates all the self-abuse we still suffer through now.
It ties into the food problem, too. Every time we are forced to eat, the underground voices call us a "slut," saying we deserve to be abused or get deathly sick for "what we've done," and this thought is exacerbated by the grandmother constantly insisting that we're "eating too much, that's why you're fat," no matter how we try to make her happy with our choices. This lack of freedom to choose, AND the lack of an acceptable result on any end, makes Jessica furious and usually concludes with her attacking us or whoever else is in the room.
She did that ONCE while we were in SLC, and that single moment is probably my greatest regret from our entire time out there.

Let's not dwell on that any more than we have to though. No use putting extra energy into a problem. I'd rather focus on the solutions.
I'll try again tomorrow with different methods. I'm sure that one day we will succeed in tackling this problem for good, and we will lose this extra dysphoric weight, which will make it so much easier for us all to function on a day-to-day basis. Right now things are indeed nightmarish, but I don't lose hope. I don't ever lose hope.
True, I've had MANY people tell me it's wrong to hope, even spiritual people. It's cause me a great deal of distress, I admit. But ultimately, I just think of Madoka, and I take my definition of hope from her. That's what I hold on to. I will continue down this path for as long as I have to, healing everything I can.

On that note, I think I owe OFF an entry of my own, soon. That and Space Funeral. I can barely believe that it's literally only been a week since I became involved with both those games in earnest, and despite having already completed both within such a short time, they have had such a great impact on me. I owe them both a lot.
I have to smile, actually. I felt a funny sort of energy resonance with The Batter yesterday (or the day before?), like maybe he could visit the System if he wanted to. I think that's pretty cool, especially since it's occurring without that funny "relationship requisite" our teenage fronter inflicted on all the midslots. Does this mean we no longer have to worry about that? If so, I'm extremely thankful. That was quite a barrier for quite a while.
Uh, plus Dedan is somehow now an injoke? Last night I was exhausted, and when I was talking to Chaos, for some reason my brain kept thinking of Dedan instead of whatever else I was going to say, which made for some hilarious slip-ups (Dedan is awesome and stupidly pretty by my standards though so I'm not complaining). Chaos tried to "do the teeth thing" Dedan has going on (since he can reform his face obviously), but when he tried to talk like him, we realized that "dude Laurie is Dedan!" So now that's an injoke too, unsurprisingly! We got her to put on a coat like his and do this hilariously sassy pose, but after that she cracked up and I needed to sleep anyway, haha.
Still it's nice to be able to just joke around with them again, after what a mess I've been... which is exactly why those two games deserve my thanks! They're the only things to have broken through in a long, long time. I love everything about them both-- the music, the plots, the characters, everything. It's great. I keep smiling about it.
Here, I found a ridiculously adorable doodle of Enoch and Dedan so you can smile too.

Despite all that, Chaos and I are having a little bit of trouble upstairs still. Since I've been emotionally detached for so long, the mind and body are mistranslating a lot of things now. He can't get close to me without triggering a PTSD reaction sometimes, and risking someone else coming out instead of me. It hurts to see him so scared and hesitant around me, so I'm trying to fix this... unfortunately it doesn't seem to be something I can solve overnight, at least not permanently. I'm just so thankful it's nothing major, though, compared to what we've been through in the past.
I also gave some thought to relationships in general today, and why I can't have two-person-only relationships. Example: if I had to "marry my best friend," I'd have gotten hitched to Genesis, not Chaos-- but the thought of marrying Genesis is just straight-up not right for our relationship dynamic (especially since he's my BFF). Same with Laurie; I adore her, but I don't even dare to consider us in a relationship because that's not how we roll. My interactions with all three of them are completely unique as well. I can't get Genesis' sparkling, bright-eyed vibe from Chaos, nor can I get Chaos' oceanic sincerity from Laurie, or Laurie's steel-edged compassion from Genesis. I need all three of them to function. Chaos is my matesprit, Laurie's my moirail, and Genesis is somewhere in the middle. Rio and Markus are both more "friends" than anything, and always have been. Infinitii is on a level of his own, haha. Bottom line, though, is that I can't expect any one of them to take the place of anyone else, or to give me what I get from someone else on top of what they already provide. I can't force that, either, because sometimes I feel guilty and "obligated" to have a "traditional relationship" when downstairs thoughts get to me. We're under no such obligation and never will be. I suppose I just need to remind myself of that, in light of how strongly those outside influences are affecting translation upstairs... I know what I feel, and what is true to me, and under NO circumstances do I "need to force myself" to do something that feels utterly wrong just because someone else asks, or expects, or implies. I'm still having a hard time with that, sadly.

Infinitii has taken up temporary residence in the necklace I bought him, which is brilliant. It's a resin bubble with salt crystals in it and 16 crystals on top, which is really perfect in every way. He adores it, and during the day, if I look down at it I can see him inside, smiling up at me from on top of the crystals. I'm not sure how he does that-- I don't think it counts as "ghosting," so maybe it's a sort of mirror to his headspace bubble necklace? That feels viable. It makes sense, too, as an energy anchor. I wonder if anything else can do that?

It's getting late, and I lost so much time today that even though it's 1AM currently, I literally feel as if I've only been awake for 2 hours. Ah well, I'm used to that already, I suppose.
That is part of what I mean to close up with, though. I've been keeping tabs on all the other "voices" up here, and it's becoming easier to differentiate one from another, according to how they act, what triggers them, etc. I have confirmed that there are at least two male child voices, neither of whom are Kyanos (poor kid seems to be gone for good atm), both of whom I have handwriting samples of... and there IS a "promiscuous" voice that evolved in response to all the old abuse, which is something I have suspected for a LONG time but only got proof of recently.
My point here is that I'm understanding this better now. "Knowledge is power," they say, and the stronger of a grip I have on this, the easier I can deal with trouble when it appears, and the easier it is for me to stay rooted and conscious when things get hectic. If I don't understand what's happening, it is very easy to throw me off, as this sort of upstairs mania is excruciatingly draining when it hits if you don't know what you're dealing with.
Since we're dealing with some very old and very dangerous things here, I can't be too careful. The more I learn, the better.

That's all for tonight. I personally apologize for whoever has been updating in my stead recently; I'm tempted to make a rule that people must announce their name before they type now. Different colors could be intriguing, too... maybe I should host a unique Xanga session sometime soon, just see what color these voices come through as, if any. Plus I heard that Laurie is trying to get everyone in the Spectrum to learn how to write physically, so maybe we can attempt that tomorrow. We'll see.
As for now, I'm off to work.
Light and love to everyone. I think we need to be reminded of it right now.

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)
 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but
upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?



 
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

 

 

(again, WIP for relevance as these take a LONG time to write)



forgive the cheesy title but it is actually very relevant!


(last night. INCREDIBLY significant date, mark it down boy!)

(started with trying to 'sense' people's energy, reaching out and tangibly feeling it. lynne was easily sensed, but when i tried to sense josephina, he knew i was there and hugged me, but he bumped my face in the process. that reminded me of melody for some reason and that made me feel so unsafe that i nearly had a ptsd breakdown, i had to run before i started hyperventilating.
listening to ipod to calm down, talking to laurie about it. jo showed up to talk too as he felt at fault. i said he wasn't, i had just reacted violently to what seeing him face-to-face reminded me of. josephina asked why, i said i didn't know, because mel never hurt me and never would, so why would the thought of being close to them (or any female-bodied person) terrify me so much? eventually we figured this was probably my fear of feminine characteristics (not femininity in itself) spiking again. i wished it would just stop, i was tired of becoming hysterical around women because i couldn't shake the fear that they were going to hurt me. i randomly asked jo if he could change his appearance a bit to see if that would help me not freak out, the first thing he did was give himself a darker skintone. he somehow comes across more clearly that way?? i didn't feel unsafe around him either, even in the exact same situations that would terrify me if he were his previous lighter skintone. see if that works for him as a permanent thing. but that was strange, it ONLY works with him, doesn't feel right for anyone else. huh.)
("maximum joy" comes on the ipod then and jo says leave it, we needed a moodswitch. i tuned in to calm down, ended up opening a oceanside cityscape mindscape, jo gets a convertible and we just drive around the place for a while, smiling and having fun. i was looking up at the sky as we drove, laurie and jo rocking out in the front, i remember just watching the scenery for a while and laughing, it was awesome. anyway we stopped driving at edge of town, got out of the car to talk and figure out what to do now (as we felt much better), when I suddenly felt something really bad at my shoulder. look, tar-celebi hovering there, horrific grin on its face. not moving, like it was "frozen" in time, that scared me to death. i was trying to smother my fear, jo and laurie started fighting it, when it began to strike back suddenly there was a gunshot, surprisingly leon had showed up, said he'd been keeping an eye on it? warped us down to tar room, i don't know if that was accidental? can't remember.)
(tar attack full-force, i had to shield us at one point as it was filling the entire room (we would have suffocated), but the bubble kept collapsing. laurie shouted for lynne, but the sound felt "flat," i realized energy calls couldn't carry out of the room, which was unusual and scary. so no one could hear us call for help. i told us all to stand in a square, maybe that would solidify the shield, but the "roof" began to collapse from tar weight. then we suddenly made it a pyramid shape (jo, laurie, and leon holding up a corner each, me in the middle for the point), changed the energy flow so drastically that the tar was blown across the room to the corner, solidified into jess form (old klonoa-hair persona), curled up on floor, emotionless and unmoving. i walked over to it to see what was going on, bravely asked it if it was okay, hoping maybe it had reverted. it hadn't; immediately began hissing and spitting at me, i think the tar "exploded" out of jess' body then, turned into razor. before it could hurt me there was suddenly another shield, lynne came storming in from the back stairwell, said she had just barely "felt" she was needed, assumed the worst when she couldn't find us, came down here. she walked over to me, suddenly i got an idea-- i took her bow & arrow and shot it at the tar, it worked. pinned it to the wall, huge awful thing hanging there. it was struggling though so i think lynne took the arrow back? but we shot several more arrows into it, now it was frozen, we figured we'd be safe for a while.)
(eventually everyone showed up, i think nathaniel was called in first, apparently he has LEGIT healing abilities which we really needed right now. i remember at one point he went over to leon to support him, he was really worn out. spine showed up too, with waldorf, both of them immediately wanted to know what in the world was going on. julie was last, somewhat kept to herself, she always looks like a war-weary soldier when tar stuff happens because she doesn't need to ask to know what just happened.)
(i forget how it happened, but somehow there was some sort of mindscape energy alteration in the tar room and it BROKE FREE of the arrows??? maybe i was even responsible i don't know, it's all a blur.)
(anyway, IMMEDIATELY the tar warped ONLY me to a weird semi-mindscape, no one else could get in. like a small room, maybe 20 feet on every side, pure black. the tar taunted me for a while psychologically, terrifying, but didn't attack me directly, it wanted to wear me down as much as possible first. i kept standing up to it, but it continued, then it sneered at me how I was trying to "fix the spectrum" and move up to White "like i was meant to," said it wasn't going to let that happen. then told me i needed all the other slots filled to have a full spectrum, it wouldn't let that happen either, it would undermine all our efforts-- just like it had pretended to be celebi, effectively worming its way into the actual spectrum. i think it then recapped how i was still losing sight of the truth in that respect-- i couldn't remember original roles or colors, etc, kept trying to force them on people blindly. to my total shock it said that this ALSO what menchou and veradenne were?? i was forcing splinters and unstable anchors unconsciously, that's why they couldn't stick or stay stable?? anyway then the tar got this horrible smile and said "if you want new headvoices so bad, here, let me help you!" immediately it plunged its hands into my abdomen-- it felt horrific, like being impaled-- but it GRABBED something deep in my energy field, and with a sadistic grin it RIPPED something out of me. it was still attached though, by all these thick muscle and vein cords. still the tar pulled hard, trying to break it until i thought i'd die from the pain. it split into razor, got behind me and pulled backwards, still wouldn't detach but it was close. then razor let go, took out a baseball bat and brutally beat the cords connecting it to me until it snapped. the force threw me and celebi-tar onto our backs, i hit hard, felt like i was dying. i was bleeding badly, barely coherent, couldn't think straight from shock. after a minute or so i struggled to sit up a bit to see, the thing they ripped out of me was on the floor by tar. it looked like a huge insect exoskeleton, colored all dark red-orange, didn't look alive. either way the tar kept trying to harm it more and 'kill it.' for some reason this terrified me and i was trying to fight them mentally despite feeling like i was dying. then at one point they were about to deal a lethal blow, and in a burst of desperation i put every ounce of energy i had left into one blind outward burst. it completely "shattered" the mindscape we were in, and dropped us into a plain white "bubble" of a room, dimly luminous and featureless, but it felt safe. i ran over to the bug-shell-thing and started telling it "you'll be okay," feeling somewhat hysterical and in tears. i put my hands on it gently and was trying to heal/ reassure it, but to my complete surprise it started to "melt." it changed from a red-orange shell into a greyish-black liquid thing, with a red-orange sheen instead, and immediately its form began to shift and change at surprising speeds. that's when stuff got CRAZY.)

(its form was warping like mad. to my surprise though, it took inspiration directly from my favorite design styles. specifically it was mirroring this person's lineless style-- when i had found it downstairs, i was euphorically shocked at how closely that style "reflected me" somehow. started off looking very much like this, some weird bug/ snake/ bird fusion: kept slithering around, melting, lots of legs or none at all, lots of size fluctuation too; it always had big weird psychedelic eyes and lots of teeth though. then as its energy "healed" from the shock and began resonating with mine to solidify, it began taking elements from these designs (this one stood out, with the feet). it also kept "holding" energy in its chest or abdomen in the same style, that felt very significant, almost sacred? it was odd. eventually it settled on a form VERY close to this, but its body was covered in lots of eyes (to listen) or lots of mouths (to talk), never both simultaneously. gained huge black wings when it did so too, that's where the eyes/ mouths formed. it only had one of either on its face.)
(talking was odd-- at first it sounded childish and somewhat manic, but in a pure way? not harmful or scary. when it stabilized in form, its voice was somewhat echoic, not over-the-top, more like the talking doves in NiER. also it sounded very male, almost like a few talking at once, in perfect unison. lower register. i don't think the mouths necessarily moved when it spoke? at least not always. it kept fishing into my energy to "translate" what i was feeling or expecting, but in doing so i would miss the actual message it was trying to get across. it reprimanded me kindly about this.)
(ALSO you know what i just checked and it's scarily relevant? i posted that lookalike creature on tumblr when i first found it online-- back on june 24th, 2011. that was 2 days AFTER a high point in a chain of events where i was getting brutally hacked again, and 2 days BEFORE chaos and i started the entire gorgeous chain of events leading up to july 7th. that's BIG. so yeah, it feels like this creature has been in "manifestation standby" for a VERY long time, waiting for the day when it could finally be born.)

(i remember asking it if it had a name, when it was still in its birdsnake form. it giggled and said it was "infinitee," specifically with two "e's," like a gleeful take on the word. it felt right, but slightly off somehow. i began mentally debating its potential "surname" in my head-- headvoice surnames reflect virtues or roles, not lineage obviously-- and thinking back to sburb, "eternity" stood out somehow. almost immediately "eternos" clicked solidly into place. the "two e's" bit of its first name still didn't work though. as a result i will call it "infi" for the rest of this entry haha)
(also it had no gender either? "it" felt clearest as it was neutral, but both "he" and "she" were equally viable energy-wise. it was cool.)

(infi said it had been formed FROM ME?? the same way the tar had been. the Tar had been trying to keep me from moving into my REAL slot, the white slot, since at least 2009! but sandman told me easter this year was the earliest i could move, now that i was stabilizing. the tar was very very mad now, hence the attack on holy saturday. anyway, the Tar was NOT supposed to be in the Black slot!! black is not bad, at all, also the tar room is under my cathedral of all places. the tar was stealing that slot in my absence, to keep its counterpart slot empty and corrupted (remember how messed-up the BLC was when we found it after all these years). now that i had moved, things were moving very quickly in my wake, to correct things, like the way nature will heal itself automatically whenever the things that are hurting it disappear long enough. whether or not the tar knew what it had just done, the part of me it "tore out" was VERY deep, but it had "needed" to be torn out? you know how paradox space works, it's weird. but that's what allowed this being to form, having that taken out of me. apparently that COULD NOT have happened while i was red, since white is the only "double slot" (if you hold white, you also hold black, and vice versa, paradoxically). so now infi, the REAL holder of the black slot-- who is my soul energy in a "different form" i guess? we both are LITERALLY made of the same stuff essentially-- could appear and begin moving into their rightful place. anyway, yeah, that's what this creature was.)
(ALSO!! this is why the Tar used Jessica AND Celebi as form anchors-- both of them had been formed BY me as PERSONAE that fell through utterly, as they didn't truly reflect me!! and since the black slot HAS to reflect me by its very nature-- white being my core color after all-- it HAD to use something like that before it could actually steal the slot. hence the real trouble with it not really beginning until AFTER it began to let go of julie; it no longer was "anchored" to her, as she had been the ONLY thing to latch onto in pre-headspace, being an introject and therefore a "breeding ground" for tar.)

(infi said this yin/yang energy between the two slots (and by extension, us) was very important in terms of creation upstairs, concerning the matter of headspace itself. it clarified that TRUE black energy upstairs was NOT tarry or sticky or anything like that-- it was starry, like soul forms!! apparently that is black energy's NATURAL STATE. i remember being shocked when infi revealed it was the true black slot holder for that very reason-- although its body was pure black, it had an oddly satiny sheen, and had 'depth' to it too. it was a soft and spacey black, not the thick and angry black of the tar. i wonder if white energy is similar when it gets corrupted??)
(infi then said there was something important we needed to do with that energy, that it needed to show me first. then it reached into my abdomen (didn't hurt like the tar did, it felt weirdly like infi's hands just "slipped in" instead of punching through) and took out a handful of my inner energy of that caliber. disturbingly enough it was the BAD black and it burned (like a brushburn, not fire), with a weirdly "clinging" consistency (not sticky, more like it was 'grabbing' your skin even though it slid). i think it also felt rough, like bits of glass were ground up in it. it was really scary to think that THAT was inside me. however, infi's personal energy (which it took directly out of that odd spherical cavity in itself) was this glowing pearlescent stuff, beautiful really, kind of warm and satiny like liquid light. so there was that major dichotomy between our outer and inner energy EVEN though they were technically the same stuff?? infi SPECIFICALLY reminded me of how, when i tried to "give" creative energy to people (the deep sort that allows me to shape headspace and whatnot), it was never red, it was ALWAYS BLACK, but the starry liquid sort, not the sickly sort in me now. i wondered what the hell had happened, reassuringly infi said mine was CORRUPTED in that specific sense, thanks to the tar hacking me so brutally, it was not naturally so disturbed-- so it needed to be healed ASAP if i wanted to function correctly. infi said it would do that for me-- it was the ONLY entity in headspace that could, due to its existence being tied to mine, and vice versa as well. )

(for this process infi warped us to a church!! i don't know how! it looked very much like the basilica (here and here) in washington dc, all white and stately and beautiful and BIG. we were on the altar platform in the middle, directly beneath a circular painting/ window ring on the ceiling. also we were surrounded by TONS of angels, all standing at attention, don't know why. they all had helmets of course! i remember looking up at them, one right by me looked down at me a little, not judging, just observing. i think i smiled at it. anyway the entire place felt very safe and bright despite an intense significance/ gravity.)
(although the energy-healing process itself was vague, i clearly remember when infi began channeling the pearlescent white energy into me; it very slowly lit me up, like water rising. very very serene, felt holy even. i knew i was glowing too, like an intangibly warm feeling as it lit me up from the inside. i kept hoping it would dissipate whatever tar was left stuck in me, as i didn't feel any of that during this process.)

(we went back to the bubble-space, i asked where we were anyway, it felt autonomous. infi said we were indeed in a "hovering mindscape?" it was literally a bubble. then to my surprise it "focused" the energy of the mindscape inwards into a small white sphere in its hands, about the size of a baseball. as it did, i could SEE its hands on the outside of the actual bubble room! then said it would "give me" that room, via the bubble, for safekeeping, as it had just been "created" in my desperate warp attempt, and it could not stabilize into actual headspace mapping yet since the tar room was currently corrupted of course (and infi belonged there, not the tar!!). it shrunk the bubble a bit more, to the size of a golf ball almost, then formed it into a sort of necklace (the bubble clasped onto a thin but strong gold wire, very simple) and handed it to me. said to wear it, to keep it close and safe. i looked at it gratefully, but somewhat anxiously (it felt like every action i made here was incredibly important), then i elongated the necklace a bit more so that when i wore it, the bubble would rest against my chest, under my shirt. that way no one would see it either. i asked if that was okay (i felt nervous about doing it), infi said yes, but to make sure i did not "slip" or become overwhelmed by heart-resonant energy as a result? there was a stern warning. i promised i would be careful. don't know why i felt so incredibly anxious when discussing that; i think i was scared that the tar would try to get to infi through me? too much lingering from the past few days maybe. but i promised myself i would keep it safe.)

(i had been searching for its true name this entire time, when suddenly it hit me. i incredulously asked if it was "infinity with two i's," and in response, it smiled at me in the warmest way i could ever have imagined. i knew that was right. then less than a moment later, i "fell" out of the bubble and into the tar room again. thank god it was still empty of tar; i guess it was still stuck wherever it had warped us to originally?)

(everyone was in utter shock, surprised to see me, especially as I had "glitch-popped" back over in midair, someone caught me, i forget who. anyway my entire body was still pearlescent and glowing, like a soul form almost, but more glassy. also i was actually deaf at that point, i could only tell what people were saying if i "tuned in" to their energy fields. my vision was fading too, images blurred and got jumbled mentally. lastly i could not speak either; i could only communicate by gesture, or by concentrating and "sending" thoughts to others, but that was hard. everyone noticed i was in a very strange condition and decided i should just rest for the night. leon warped us back up to central, laurie literally picked me up princess-style and carried me upstairs to my room. i think julie followed. anyway chaos was waiting for me, shocked at my condition, but i don't know what happened there as my consciousness literally shut down very quickly.)


(i told boss about infinitii this morning, laurie doesn't know yet actually, nor does anyone else.)

 

 

 

 

 

not so bad

Nov. 24th, 2012 10:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

So, uh, Tar decided to talk to me this morning.
Needless to say, I was thoroughly surprised when I showed up beneath the Cathedral and, instead of seeing a humanoid figure there, the Tar itself was unmistakably its own sentient self. Tar is strikingly monstrous in both size and form, somewhat spindly (lots of thick tendrils stuck to the walls and ceiling), and mostly shapeless... kind of like what Weiss' magic looks like in Nier... maybe close to this, but without the nose and mouth? It's hard to describe. Anyway, it's never looked like its own thing before, so that was immediately significant. Also noteworthy was the fact that I didn't feel threatened by it. That has NEVER happened before. When I first met it on 111211, the entire room felt anxiously ominous, like the calm before a hurricane. This time everything just felt like the world was on "pause"... unsettling, sure, but nothing tangibly threatening.
The Tar also spoke this time. I didn't remember how, back in 2011, it didn't even move and it spoke only in thought-feeling. Today, it's "voice" wasn't so much a bone-jarring terror than it was an actual sound, and it did move... mostly just weird tar-flow as usual, but it changed the angle of its head (like a skinny balrog? all tar though, two burning red holes for eyes) a little as it spoke, which was enough "body language" for the conversation to feel quite legitimate, actually.
I was not surprised, though, when I asked it about its motives again and got the same answer I did a year ago. However I had more insight this time so I was able to converse with it more, and get some solid answers and intriguing realizations. I wish I remembered the exact dialogue, but basically it told me these things:
- Tar exists as the Black slot in our system, BUT it pointed out that it lives in a white room, under my Cathedral. It said that it NEEDED that offset to exist, and that I was the same.
- On that note, Tar said that I AM the White slot in the system (as I was theorizing), although it didn't elaborate how (I DO hold Red but I still can't tell what my core color is, let alone whether it's possible to have two). I definitely need to find that out on my own, but hearing it basically confirm that has helped me get better footing on the issue.
- Tar also told me that it "couldn't make anyone do anything," but that by its nature it was constantly putting out tendrils to test others, to "put duality into practice" so to speak (bright lights=dark shadows and all that). It said that it was explicitly an "evil thing," but SINCE that was so clearly stated, it was the truth equivalent of a warning label: "This is exactly what this entity will do to you if you approach/ provoke/ engage/ disturb it. Continue on at your own risk." Once again, I had been told this last November but it was clearer this time. It was fighting me, true, but unless I responded to it, it couldn't harm me. The trouble is that Tar works on some seriously subconscious levels so unless I am seriously awake, I might not even notice I'm letting it slip through security, as it were. That's what happened yesterday, but we'll get to that.
- Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter?? Like Razor and Jessica are mine? I found this very interesting, and it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously. Mine were the latter, but the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious: as far as I can gather, Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy? Like if I'm Red but "internalized" White, then Tar "externalized" a balance to my Red as her? It's hard to explain in words but it makes perfect sense in my head; however that whole issue is something I need to visually graph before I can fully comprehend it so don't quote me on that theory yet. The BIG thing that I AM almost entirely sure of is that Jezebel has only become an autonomous splinter recently. I'll do more research and get back to you on the details.
Those were the big points from our talk. I'm just trying to siphon truth from all that; I need to take it with a grain of salt. Like Captain Jack Sparrow said: you can always trust a dishonest person to be dishonest. I'm the honest dude that often ends up doing something stupid, haha. On that note I did tell Tar that I didn't know if I could trust it, especially considering what it was, and it simply replied that I should keep that (its role) in mind. That's a double-edged sword though... as my offset, it's going to try and win this war, but it also has to play by the rules concerning that or it will negate its own existence. There's a surprising amount of mandatory sincerity in these matters concerning that, on all our parts within this entire system, even from back in the Julie days. Lies of omission are what I REALLY need to look out for.
Anyway I remember ending the conversation with a somewhat incredulous laugh and saying "you're not half bad" in light of who I was speaking to. I ended up laughing again when it replied by telling me that, despite being its "mortal enemy" as far as cold hard rules are concerned, "you're not so bad yourself."
It's kind of hilarious to me how my relationship with the Tar itself feels more like a friendly rivalry than anything now, despite its intensity. We know our roles, and we are dedicated to carrying them out, but beyond the battlefield that those roles play out on we seem to have this weird sort of mutual respect for each other? It reminds me of how in Bleach, when Uryū and Ichigo met, they had to work towards a common goal using vastly different methods and mindsets, and told each other "not to die" during that catastrophe because otherwise they wouldn't be able to beat the snot out of each other afterwards, haha.
I like that, to be honest. I really do like that there seems to be a sincere sort of love permeating everything upstairs, and its leaking underground now. I need to remember that too.

That brings us to yesterday's events, which are what pushed me to make such an unusual decision this morning.
Yesterday, as soon as I woke up I decided I wasn't going to get up, so I spent the next 90 minutes or so with Chaos instead. We haven't done that in far too long and it was worth every second (we've still got the infinity loop heartlink going on btw ♥). Unfortunately that seemed to put some major fuel on the fire of dying duality up here (it does not want to die and keeps fighting back viciously), so the rest of the day was a very disorienting fusion of my personal clarity and a barrage of shadow influences. The morning was gorgeous, don't get me wrong-- I finally started reading the Millennium World plotline in the YuGiOh manga and ran headfirst into a goldmine of headspace-relevant information (which I REALLY need to write about here soon), and I actually didn't feel sick for the first time in weeks, but as the day went on I began to feel progressively more and more "ungrounded." I can't remember 80% of the day because of it; I was so spacey that I thought I was going to pass out a few times, simply because it didn't feel like my consciousness could stay anchored well enough. As that sentence might betray, this led to some serious problems later in the evening... let's just say that I was trying to help two individuals out of some current troubles, and none of us could think or see straight enough to realize that we were being entirely misled in our actions and thoughts until it was almost too late. I can't say I regret the experience, because although it leaves me sick to my stomach that may be residual and honestly I'm just glad that made me aware that such a thing can and is happening, most mercilessly in situations where I am not actively projecting awareness of myself. This is forcing my hand as far as personal authenticity is concerned; I need to go all-out in holding fast to my truth, or there will be dire consequences. I am aware of this, and have been for a long time, but the stakes were just raised ludicrously high and there isn't a second to spare anymore. Excuses and hesitations have lost all merit. This really is the last run, but we've worked hard enough up to this point to have sufficient strength to succeed. I just need to remember that, and act upon it, always.
So this morning I woke up wanting answers, and the tar heard, and that's why I'm updating today.
However a few things happened this afternoon that deserve a mention too, so let's get to them.

While on iTunes today, "What Time Taught Us (Indigo)" by The Dear Hunter came on and immediately I realized that it applied to Leon's life shockingly well. Curious, I then brought up the rest of The Color Spectrum and started looking at all the lyrics, searching for more headspace symbolism... and I am dead serious when I say that album was practically MADE for our system. There are only two songs on the album I'm having a hard time finding fits for, but only in the context of their color: there are 4 songs for each color, which fits the formula of "three for that headvoice" and "one for the midspacer." For example, with the Indigo songs, three of them fit Leon and one of them fits Marik. It's fascinating. It really does match up...
I want to illustrate this entire album now. "Look Away (Violet)" fits Laurie so well I seriously started to cry when I heard it. Synchronicity with her usually does that.
However, synchronicity floods my life, so when I moved down the Spectrum and hit Red (my color), I was honestly shocked to find that three songs corresponded to each one of my old splinters, and the Black songs all matched catastrophic events in my past perfectly. It was kind of terrifying to read the lyrics, haha! Sounds like they were taken straight out of my old journals, no kidding. But reading all that made me wonder about those old dark things, as I hadn't given them any thought since I gained this new knowledge about our system... so I started leafing through our Xanga archives a little. Now there's SO much info here I am not going to get through all of it tonight, but let me summarize what I've realized so far...
The "ego" splinter is Tar/Jezebel (according to current knowledge; I'll elaborate on that mess another day). Thanatos IS Razor, although the causal relationship there is blurry. Fragment, however, is the remnant of Jessica. Yeah, remember her? But that's not even the biggest thing: the reason she became Fragment is because-- according to my current system spectrum theory, which I mentioned briefly on the 13th-- when my teenage years jumpstarted the "energy mismatch overload" in my Red slot, it tore the Brown slot in HALF. This resulted in Jessica's essence being ripped out of that slot and pushed down one, straight into Black, while the remaining "skeleton" in the slot became (you guessed it) Spine. That explains why we all thought she was evil for so long. It also explains why Jessica came back in a different slot once headspace solidified, and why, after that self-hating incarnation died, all that was left of her was an apathetic splinter that liked to tear things apart. This is what I meant by saying that Jessica was "still alive" on the 13th; her "essence" is still in the Black as far as I am aware, but dormant, as it's just energy now. She's no longer a splinter, but her essence can be forced back up into the Red to cause a temporary relapse if we're not careful. However I think that's all 'automatic' at this point, in the same way that if you pour too much water into a glass it overflows. Once again I will double-check this. There's a ton of info and I need to keep reading up on it... I love how I always learn new stuff about our system from old things.
OH also I figured out what's up with unstable headvoices having mismatched colors, I think! That was driving me bonkers for a while and I JUST remembered how Josephina called himself an "anti-id" when we first met him, in the most literal sense possible: we couldn't tell if his color was Yellow or Lilac because we didn't have the knowledge to make such an assessment. I do now, and it hinges on the fact that Lilac isn't a headvoice slot, but Pink IS. And who was supposed to hold Pink? Julie. However she was corrupted out of her freaking mind for years, so when Josephina came into existence as her "offset," his eyes were PINK just in case HE had to stabilize into that slot. Dead serious, his eyes didn't turn yellow until Julie started to stabilize into her true slot, and both of those events only started to happen about two weeks ago. But that gives me a lot to think about.

All right, I was going to type more (mostly about awesome things concerning the central gang, and Chaos as I love him so much right now) but it is already 2AM and I still have about sixteen tabs open in this window alone... I try to do way too much at once, I swear, it's why I always feel so overwhelmed. Ah well, I enjoy it so I can't complain. The other things I wanted to talk about today are all too brilliant to summarize anyway; they all deserve a great deal of typing and attention in their own right.
As a result I'm off to get some much-needed sleep (which is weird as I'm not even tired, but sleep feels like something I need, especially at this hour) and maybe chill with some of the gang upstairs; after yesterday that might be sorely needed. Plus Thanksgiving brought out so much love in me it was brilliant; I can barely believe how amazing our system is right now. Everyone is alive, everyone is stable, everyone is friends with everyone else... it makes me so ridiculously happy I could cry, dead serious. It's the sort of overwhelming joy that you can't possibly keep inside. I am so thankful for this, for all of us.

With that I bid you all a good night.



prismaticbleed: (aflame)

Well. Guess who's currently sitting in an airport in Denver at 1:30 in the morning?
Yeah, that would be me (and Genesis and Laurie of course). It's kind of hilariously awesome, and that is why I logged on here. I have at least five hours to kill before my last flight, at most nine, but we'll get to that. Let's start at the beginning!

As you may or may not know, today is the day I finally 'moved out' and hopped a plane to Salt Lake City to start my huge creative endeavors there. This trip has effectively been in the works for two years now, and it's been a possibility for about five. So this is a long time coming. Anyway, the reality of it didn't sink in until yesterday afternoon, when I was driving home from the post office and suddenly realized that "this is the last time I'm going to drive 'home.'" It was such a shock-- yes, I've been telling myself things to that effect for months now-- but it didn't "hit me" until it was actually happening for the very last time. So I pulled into the driveway and tried to go about business for the evening... exercise, dinner, computer work, et cetera. I couldn't. The significance of this being my last evening at home was astoundingly tangible in the air. I ended up going outside and walking around through the grass like I used to as a kid, in awe of the fact that I've lived there for two decades and the surrounding forest still leaves me speechless every time I look out the window. This realization actually helped me 'accept' the move ultimately, but we'll get to that as well!
My mother came home around 8PM and she was an absolute emotional wreck. I was also, and had been crying for about an hour without fully knowing why by that time (and I've been doing so on and off for about three days now; I also haven't been sleeping well). So seeing each other like that just was too much. She'd been a mess for days, and I was trying desperately to express the frustration I was feeling at everything that had led up to this. Let me elaborate on that, actually.
I've always been a creative kid. You all know that. But I've felt 'stunted' and repressed by the world I've lived in for a good part of my life now. Elementary school was fine-- every second of my spare time was dedicated to creative work-- but I sacrificed my social life for it. It wasn't like I had the opportunity to form much of one anyway, living in the middle of the woods and near a small community whose limited inhabitants didn't understand me even then. High school was the same socially until 2007, when I discovered deviantART and finally started to make connections, but the workload from school seriously cut into my creative time, and I really wasn't "myself" during high school as a result of "culture shock," so to speak. You all know about that. By the time college rolled around I was desperate to get back into creativity, and I did have some real success-- I wrote the vast majority of the FFN OST while sitting in the art building's upper lounge-- but the professors were perfectionists, and I was often told that I was effectively "doing it wrong" when it came to my art. Now I understand how that can apply to theory, etc., but there often wasn't any advice or supportive critique given to prevent that remark from being made in the future. Anyway, long story short, college (on top of my psychological troubles at the time; you oldbie readers know all about those) really crushed my artistic drive and motivation. For a long time afterwards, I felt my art was useless on some level. And that didn't just hurt me, it also hurt my mother.
My mom, despite what anyone may say about her, is awesome. She's my biggest fan, she's incredibly supportive and compassionate, and I would not be here without her, in both the literal and figurative senses! I owe her a LOT and really hope she knows how much I care about her; I do as much as I can to show that but I don't know if it's enough. As I was saying though, we were standing in the kitchen yesterday evening, and I was trying to express why I felt so utterly devastated by this move, when I suddenly realized that it wasn't the move that was causing this emotional pain, it was all the events that led UP to it (the main ones which I just described). Then my mom joined in and told me, somewhat surprisingly, that that was what was causing a lot of her distress over my move. All her life, her biggest goal has been to get a place of her own, so that she could live her dreams, and her children could live theirs. She has tried nonstop to give her children the best opportunities and experiences available to them, but she feels so hindered in that by her life situation. Her marriage was rocky, her finances were unstable, et cetera. And she told me that seeing how much sheer talent we have as her children is both beautiful and terrible for her, because she wants us to bloom in that respect, but she also sees how 'held back' we are by the same circumstances that restrained her. So, she said she was 200% supportive of my moving out because she feels it will finally give me the opportunity to branch out in that respect and 'become who I need to be,' but feeling that she 'couldn't do enough for me' on her own really hurt, especially in light of the fact that I was now moving 2000 miles away from home, making her feel utterly separated from one of her children in at least the 'physical distance' sense. But she said she 'knew' that I 'had to be there,' before adding with a laugh that "Salt Lake City won't know what hit it." That reminded me of the awe I felt in the grass earlier, and my mother said she felt the same way about life in general: the both of us view the world like children, perpetually enthralled by it, and I put that magic into my work without even 'realizing' it, as it's second nature to me. My mom said she believed without a doubt that that 'magic' would reach people to a very deep and powerful extent, and that whatever I would ultimately do, it was incredibly important.
The conversation somehow segued into a really in-depth philosophical discussion after we both cleared out all those painful emotions and worries, and we ended up talking together for about five hours! Which was actually beautiful and amazing. I love talking to my mom; she's the only person around who I can discuss these ideas and feelings of mine with, and even if she is a little preoccupied at the time, I can still tell that she cares and is listening as best she can. I am seriously going to miss that... but I did make her a Skype account, so we can talk that way, which is good. I'll be calling twice a week at least, probably. I want to keep in touch, not only with her but with my entire family, as much as possible. I really love them, and although I do miss them, it doesn't hurt this time? I mean, seriously, I'm sitting here in Denver and it's 4AM back home and I know my grandmother is probably waking up around now, the first morning without me there in the same room... and although there is pain in my heart from thinking about that, and I'm aware of it, it doesn't make me want to start sobbing like it did yesterday? It's odd. All the pain and worries just dissolved when I got to the airport this morning. Maybe that means something, like yes, this really is the right time for me to be moving. I'm not abandoning them, no... it's nothing like that and I would never do anything of the sort. I'm simply needed somewhere else right now.
I kept telling myself that last night, but worries lingered, and after seeing the weather forecast (severe thunderstorms over my state, oh boy) I ended up a shaky mess and couldn't sleep. I started looking for Chaos pics on dA as that always helps, but around midnight I decided to contact Mel over FB just to assuage the specific travel concerns a little. To my surprise they said Q was around and they felt he could help me with that better, so I logged on to Skype and we talked about it... and it helped immensely. The universe did, too, to a rather beautiful extent. One, while I was still on the FB main page, one of the groups I watch posted a link to a small article titled "Five Ways to Trust the Universe." Clicking it, I was shocked by the simplicity, beauty, and truth of the advice, and immediately forwarded the link to Q, who agreed wholeheartedly. Two, shortly after this, as I was still browsing dA absentmindedly, one of those 'talking ads' decided to show up and the first words of it were "It's a beautiful day!" I actually laughed when I heard that, partly because it was almost 2AM and that sentence was just broadcasted to the whole house via my laptop speakers, and partly because it seemed to stand in stark contrast to my worries about weather and schedule, but it still felt entirely true. It was as if it were saying, "who cares if there are thunderstorms and travel worries? It's still a beautiful day!" Three, that ad came back, about ten minutes later, and this time I listened to the next sentence. Guess what it was? "It's a beautiful day... so if you're headed out of town, you'd better get moving." I think that speaks for itself.
Lastly, I brought up the 'sense of wonder' thing from earlier, in light of how I already missed my home and family: I could 'feel' the memories in the air here, the lingering truths of all the beautiful things that had first been created here. However I then paused, and in a quiet surge of inspiration, added that "I'll have to carry that in my heart." Q replied to that in a surprising way: he said that that was something he felt I really needed to do, to bring that love and joy and imagination with me wherever I went, to reach people with it who may not be able to experience that special sort of magic otherwise.
In a way I think I already started radiating that today, without even being fully aware of it (it happens instinctively). I'll let you be the judge.

There's a guy playing this song on the flute on the TV at my terminal (it's apparently perpetually tuned into a really old-school 'art' channel? synchronicity strikes again), and it really made me smile. Ah, early mornings at the airport!
Also I FINALLY got to drink some water right now, 15 hours after my last drink, and I don't care if it's bottled I am so freaking thirsty it's hilariously delicious. There was ONE store open when I got to this airport and it did sell bottled water, so thank you to that open store!!

So. Now to finally talk about the flight schedule itself.
I left my house around noon yesterday morning, on the 14th, after doing some last minute packing and organizing. Almost my entire family accompanied me to the airport-- the only exceptions were my grandfather, who isn't mobile enough, and my mother, who was unfortunately working at the time (and they wouldn't let her leave). We hung out in the lounge together for a while, during which time my mom called, so I got to speak with her and reassure her that everything was okay. Then we checked the flight schedule board and hey, I'm already delayed! This wasn't a concern though-- the delay was only an hour, and I had a three-hour layover waiting for me at my next stop anyway. So that wasn't an issue. I said goodbye to my family twice before I went through security, after which I just chilled out at my gate for the next hour, making sure I knew my flight info and the like. Genesis showed up to keep me company almost immediately, as did Laurie, and the two were teasing each other like crazy for a little while which was hilarious.
The plane left around 3, and as we were pulling out I suddenly found Xenophon sitting in my lap. She was adorably excited, saying Laurie had insisted she sit with me, as this would be her first time flying. And I'll tell you what, she loved it. When the plane took off her eyes just lit up! I couldn't stop smiling at her. So she sat with me for the whole trip, while Laurie, Genesis, Chaos and Dagger(!) apparently were 'riding' on the wings? Hey, when you're not there physically you can do crazy stuff (Genesis typically rides on top of the car during road trips). Oh yeah, and Marik and Bakura were apparently trying to surf on the plane as well. It was hilarious, I will say that much. I will also say that when we took off, and I saw my hometown stretched out below in rolling green hills and sunlight, it was kind of hard not to cry, simply because it all looked so beautiful and I really am going to miss it.
We arrived in Philadelphia at 4, and it promptly began to rain. No kidding! Now I had roughly 2½ hours until my flight, but I first had to hop the shuttle to get to my gate. This took about 20 minutes as we had to wait for the rain to let up a little, but no worries. However, once I checked the departure screens, I realized that my flight was currently listed as "boarding," and at a terminal halfway across the airport. I ran to that terminal, but when I got there I was surprised to find that there was a totally different flight scheduled there! So I don't know what was up with the screens. Anyway I had a good laugh over this (after I could breathe again of course), then decided I'd just stroll around the rest of the airport until it was time to really board. Now at this time Laurie alone was accompanying me, and she was getting rather concerned-- it was hot at the airport, I hadn't eaten in six hours (and breakfast wasn't big), I was operating on several days of bad sleep and stress, and I had just run like a lunatic across half the airport with a 20-pound carry on hanging from my shoulder. So I was a little dizzy at the moment. She insisted I eat something before my next flight-- a 4½ hour connection to Denver, where I am currently sitting-- and I assured her that I would, as soon as I found a place. Unfortunately this was tricky with my dietary restrictions; my options were either buying a salad, a fruit smoothie, or possibly sushi at this really posh restaurant near the C gates. By the time I finished walking, though, it was 6PM, and I didn't have time to spare. So I decided I'd just buy whatever was nearest my gate. Now, as I walked past another departure screen, I overheard a family of four saying something about a "flight to Colorado." They sounded confused, so I stopped and asked them if they were talking about the same flight I was on? They said yes, and I explained the discrepancy between the board info (saying it was boarding) and the actual situation (it's not going to board for another half hour yet), assuring them that no, their ticket info was not incorrect! They thanked me for this, as they had indeed been baffled, and I continued on my way. Now thankfully there was a quick-stop shop that sold wrapped fruit, so I got an orange, an apple, and a small bag of dried fruit. It only cost me about $4, brilliant! So armed with food, I walked to my gate... where I was greeted by a rather intimidating line, positioned in front of a gate screen that read "DELAYED DUE TO WEATHER: NOW DEPARTING AT 8:30PM." Well. That sure wasn't on the departure screens! So I nabbed a place in line, eating my dried fruit and apple in the meantime as I really was getting hungry and kind of faint, when it hit me. My flight out from Denver had a 1½ hour layover tacked onto it, but this sudden delay was adding at least another half hour to my arrival time. Was I going to miss my 10PM connection? 15 minutes later, the man at the gate said yes, I was almost definitely going to miss it. Okay, now what? I asked when the next flight out would be. He took a look at the schedules, then told me...
11AM tomorrow.
WHAT.
So, he double-booked me on that flight to make sure I got a seat, but then all I could do was wait. However, I first had to make a few phone calls... aaaand my cell didn't get service in the airport. So I ran to a payphone, when I realized I didn't have enough quarters. I did have some cash on hand, though, so I walked over to the foreign currency exchange stand and asked if they could help after explaining my situation. The guy there said he 'wasn't really supposed to,' but he gave me three bucks in quarters anyway, which I sincerely thanked him for. Then I waltzed over to the payphone and called my dad. Since he's flown in the past and has dealt with layovers of doom before, I figured I'd ask him if he had any advice. However, no, all I could do was wait. I was cool with this though, so I assured him I'd be okay, and then I tried to call Mel. However, the call wouldn't go through, and I kept getting an "invalid phone number" response. I called the operator and had them put it through, but that still didn't work! So I tried to call my house phone. Same problem. Even better, the payphone didn't return my dollar in quarters that I lost as a result of these attempts. Laughing at the absurdity of this whole situation, I returned to the currency stand and told them the situation. The guy shook his head, smiling, and said he'd let me use their phone. Now I was just about to dial the number... when my cell phone rang! This was bizarre because it wouldn't let me dial out, but apparently it could receive calls? I wasn't complaining though! I answered it immediately-- it was Mel-- and told them the situation as I walked back to my gate. They were understandably upset at the thought of me having to stay the night at the airport instead of at my new home, but there was nothing we could do. We were in the middle of discussing travel plans for my new arrival when they suddenly disconnected. Not sure why this had happened, I still couldn't ignore the fact that my phone was somehow getting service all of a sudden, so I decided to try calling my family then to tell them about this delay. It worked! And, to my surprise, my mom answered the phone (she doesn't always come home after work so I unconsciously assumed she was at her boyfriends house). I explained my dilemma to her as gently as I could, letting her know I was okay, and I'd call back as soon as I was leaving for Colorado. However, as I was finishing this call, my phone told me Mel was trying to contact me again. I hung up my family call and answered ner, and we finished our previous conversation-- with our current schedule I wouldn't reach SLC until almost 2PM tomorrow, but Mel would still be able to pick me up, so that was good. I just needed to contact them once I got my new boarding pass. Now, once again, all I could do was wait!
So I waited. I switched seats to see the gate screen better, and sat down next to a brunette in a pink hoodie and toe sneakers filling out a crossword puzzle book (don't ask me why that sticks out in my memory). As I sat and ate my orange (hey, who knows when I'd be able to eat next?), I remember praying for a little "miracle"-- if somehow I wouldn't miss my connecting flight in Denver after all-- but I was shocked when I assessed my 'feelings' and found that they were actually favoring the delay situation. I thought about this for a few minutes, and realized that even if I tried, I couldn't feel bitter at all about the whole delay thing. On the contrary, it felt almost exciting. It would be an adventure, an experience I otherwise would not have had. I kept thinking back to Des Moines, and how that was a nightmare to live through, but I remembered it with a sort of fondness, solely because it was so interesting. Now, in light of what I had been told last night-- as well as what I had learned since Des Moines in general-- I simply couldn't view this potentially huge delay as 'bad'. I had absolute faith and trust that, whatever happened, this would work out for the best. So I waited.
I waited for longer than I thought I would. The plane did arrive at 8:30, but boarding was taking a long time. I tried to call my family that I was finally leaving, but my cell wouldn't let me call out again. I randomly asked the pink-hoodie girl if she knew why that could be, but she had no clue either. I thanked her anyway and resolved to try again once we got outside. Ten minutes later, though, a woman and her two daughters joined the line behind me, expressing their frustration with this delay-- they had just flown in from Italy, and had essentially been navigating airports all day. This sparked a conversation in the back of the line, which I joined in on, and it was actually really lovely to just chat it up with my fellow travelers for a bit. And, awesomely enough, the woman returning from Italy let me use her iPhone to call my family before we boarded! My mom and grandmother both answered (on two different phones), and my mother was obviously trying not to cry. I told them that we were finally leaving-- they were shocked that I hadn't left yet-- and that I'd be on the plane for at least the next four hours. I promised to call them back when I landed just in case, but I'd also call again in the morning. Then it was time to board the plane. Once we were finally on the plane, though, we literally just sat there for a half hour before taking off. So, in truth, we didn't leave Philadelphia until 10PM! Once again, I didn't mind: I was now getting some lovely spirit-guide messages as I stared out the dark window and tried to tell if we were moving yet or not. They kept telling me to keep trusting in the 'bigger picture,' to keep being grateful for everything I experienced, to keep smiling (which I seriously had not stopped doing since I reached my local airport almost 12 hours ago), and to not be afraid of anything. They really emphasized that last point, and I realized why as we took off into the night and were greeted by lightning flashes in the clouds above. Now, a few months ago, I might have flipped out right then. Now... just a sense of wonder. However little 'twinges' of fear kept jumping up, to which my guides told me, surprisingly seriously, to "stay in my heart center." I mentally nodded and did so, and the resulting change was immediate and powerful. I looked right into those thunderclouds and I wasn't afraid at all. It was an absolutely incredible feeling. I then had the thought that the delay had been important partly because now I got to experience this night flight. I wondered why, and then the clouds cleared.
Have you ever seen Philadelphia lit up, from an airplane, with stars shining overhead and silvery clouds floating by below? It is beyond words. I wish I had a camera on hand, as I had such a strong desire to take photos solely to share the joy of the sight. Oh, that's another feeling that hit me all of a sudden as we took off. I looked around at my fellow passengers and suddenly I felt this overwhelming love for them all. I saw them not just as travelers from one state to another, but travelers in the great journey of life itself: these were fellow souls that had journeyed through heaven knows what over the years, all leading up to this point, and now beyond. Every single person on that flight with me was beautiful and irreplaceable and inspiring by virtue of their very existence. I still couldn't stop smiling, although that brought me to the verge of tears again. Also, seated next to me was a middle-aged couple, and I remember the woman was eating a salad and the guy had some sort of greenish-teal shirt on. I'm recording all the snippets I can remember, because I want the memory of today to stick!
(Speaking of, right now "Music Of The Night" is on the TV and there's a dude lightly jogging around this end of the airport. Good on you bro!)
The night flight was truly lovely. I had to fight the urge to fall asleep once we hit the 2-hour mark or so, but I did nod off a few times due to unavoidable fatigue. I tried stretching a bit to stay awake, but that could only accomplish so much. Thankfully it was a 'movie flight,' and the couple seated next to me had bought a showing of The Avengers to watch (go figure). And right around the time I was trying not to doze off was the beginning of the New York alien fight. So I decided to maybe watch some of it, both to get a glimpse of Robert Downey's eyes (especially from inside the suit; the lighting is lovely), and to maybe help me stay awake. I didn't want to watch the fight scenes again though, so I was just sneaking quick glances. Now, I don't know if this was intentional or not, but as I was looking back out the window, the woman suddenly elbowed me slightly. I thought she had maybe shifted and bumped me accidentally, but then I looked back at the movie screen-- and it was the scene where Tony flies the missile back into the tesseract, the exact scene I had wanted to see. So I mentally thanked her, haha.
We arrived in Colorado around midnight local time (2AM in PA), and as the plane was still on the runway I called my family to tell them I had arrived safely. Only my bro Randall was awake at home (as always), but I told him I'd be calling again in the morning. I woke up my dad, but he said that was fine, and thanked me for checking in, before also telling me to call in the morning. I didn't call Mel yet, as I wanted to wait until I had the information for my new connecting flight to give them. Thankfully, that was handed to me upon walking through the entrance. My boarding gate was at the opposite end of the airport, though, and this place is big, so I started walking before I finally called Mel to give them the information. They said they had checked my flight info online, but then said there was apparently another flight out to SLC and they were surprised that I wasn't on it. True enough, my current flight (the 11AM one) wasn't even on the departure screens-- instead, there was one listed to leave at 8AM, same airline, same destination. I said I'd try to get on that one if possible. After briefly reviewing plans for the morning (I'd call them at 7AM either way, and I still had someone picking me up whenever I arrived), Mel told me that Q wanted to talk to me. Of course I agreed, and they put him on. We then proceeded to casually talk for the next hour. It was great. He was explaining this "SCP" horror game to me, which was really interesting, but I had to cut him off at one point (not hanging up though) to quickly speak to customer service as they were closing. I told the man at the desk about the SLC flight situation, and he very kindly put me on the waiting list for the 8AM flight, giving me a second boarding pass and telling me what to do to check if I was given a seat on that plane or not. I thanked him for his help, then went back to talking to Q. Around this time the topic switched to the actual situation we were in, and since I had several hours to go yet, I decided to walk around the airport while we talked (I ended up walking the length of it twice which was fun). Apparently we both have the same strange feeling about this trip-- not only is it mind-boggling to realize that this is several years and a lot of 'synchronicity' in the making, but the very fact of my moving to SLC feels incredibly significant somehow, in a surprisingly large sense. Q described it as a 'turning of the cogs of the world,' or something along those lines: every action has a reaction, or a ripple, but this one is BIG, like throwing a boulder into a pond. We're not sure why we can't shake that feeling, but we're not worried, we're just hilariously excited. It feels amazing, and to think that this, right now, is the moment of truth, is brilliant. I will be in Utah in less than 12 hours, and then I guess all heaven breaks loose? Whatever happens, once again, I have total faith.
I hung up around 1:15, bought the water I mentioned earlier, then sat down and began to type this. Now its 4:15, haha! Sunrise is in two hours and there's a big window to my left, can't wait. Oh and I was smart enough to pack a bit of food on the plane, which I purposefully saved until the Denver flight anyway, and which now is getting me through the layover as no shops are going to be open for at least another hour or so (the earliest flights leaving here are around 5:40AM so I assume the place will get busier within the hour). It's just vegetables of course, but I've got two tomatoes and a cucumber that are freshly picked from my mom's garden in here, which is awesome. And there's that weird missing-it-terribly but still not-wanting-to-fly-home-because-of-it feeling. Ah well, I can call Mel in three hours and depending on the situation then, I'll call my family too. I guess I'm just concerned for their well-being in light of all this; the gravity of the situation hit me yesterday, but I don't think it really slammed them until I went through security at the airport. You know, the point of no return. So I want to keep in touch to make it a bit easier for them, if possible, especially with the whole mess of delays!

Hm. Not sure what else to type now. Maybe I'll just close this up and read, because I did pack a book and haven't been able to read more than three pages yet because of how unusual my schedule has been. Then once the sun starts to come up I'll meditate, as it'll be brighter and I won't have to worry about falling asleep flat-out as a result. I think that'll work. I'd compose something (I'm updating from Scherzando, my new Windows laptop, and he runs FL like a dream) and/or listen to music on Last.fm too, but I don't have headphones (and I don't really want to buy airport ones due to pricing), and besides I've got this TV in front of me that's been playing snippets from Italian operas and symphony orchestras all night, which is pretty brilliant.

In that case I shall bid you adieu for now. I will update again tonight (9PM Utah time, maybe?) if possible, because I know today is going to be beautiful, what with finally arriving in SLC and then going to Assumption mass this evening (my second favorite non-holiday holy mass of the year; first is the Ascension). The only trouble is that I might be completely exhausted by then. We shall see. I don't want to sleep for 15 hours and forget everything, right?

4:40 AM... 9 hours to go, tops.
So much love and light to all of you.
I'll see you soon!


ablution

Aug. 8th, 2012 08:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Holy sharks, I just realized what the relationship is between my "wanting to be alone" and yet wanting to form connections with people, in light of my moving on Wednesday.

I DO want to "live out of a suitcase," in that I want to be free to travel wherever I am needed, BUT ideally I would like to do that WITH someone? But that someone would have to be just as dedicated to this theoretical cause as I was, and in turn we'd support each other as two parts of one unit. We'd support each other, in whatever ways needed, not having to worry about anyone else to provide for us.

...Aaand I just described my core headspace situation, NO SURPRISES THERE!

But that's why "family life" kind of rubs me the wrong way. To be blunt, I do not want to "settle down." Ever. That may seem strange, as I've lived with my biological family for two decades, but remember that I haven't exactly been "fit to travel" until recent years. And then you have the situation mentioned previously, what with needing a companion to travel with. So yes, I do want to travel the world and go wherever the wind takes me, but maybe I've been spoiled, so to speak. I can't imagine doing that without Laurie, or Chaos, or Genesis... you get the picture.
Back to the family thing. I think this is unconsciously why I've been 'away' from headspace for so long. I feel 'trapped' up there now, and ironically, it's only because I'm choosing to feel that way. Seriously, headspace is freaking HUGE. No one is making me stay in the penthouse! But I feel obligated to stay there, solely because it's a place where we can 'get together,' and that feeling like I'm tied to this single location has caused me to bail entirely. It's not fair to those I love, but at least I finally understand it.
Now I'm excited, to be honest. Since headspace is fluid, once I explain this problem to the core group, I'm sure we can work with that. After all, it's nothing new: I remember the night I discovered this beautiful location, when I went upstairs for the night I was shocked to find myself in that very room, courtesy of Laurie (I still don't know how she does half the things she does)! And then of course you have my meditation 'flights,' most notably the trial at the Blood Lotus Cathedral, which, despite its terrors, is still one of my most treasured memories. So even if some people do want to stay at the 'central' location (i.e. the penthouse), I think I'm going to travel nightly from now on.
I suppose fear is still holding me back though? I know Laurie used to never travel as she was our only line of defense against Julie, but now she's still concerned about the tar, even though she's been teaching Josephina how to handle things in her absence. Chaos will only travel if Xenophon will-- I hope she does, I want to show her all the beautiful things I can imagine-- but I don't want to force anyone. Ah well. I have a bad habit of worrying about these things before taking action, which is ridiculous; the future hasn't happened yet, so worrying about it is useless! I'll just talk to them tonight and see what comes of it.

In other news, downstairs life lately has been quite interesting. Let's give you a quick recap.
First of all, I didn't sleep at all on August 2nd. Not only was I up until almost 4 writing that entry, but I had accidentally eaten caffeine the night before. We'll get to that though. Staying up was actually lovely, as I got to see the full moon at 4AM, and I also got to watch the sunrise. And, amazingly enough, as I was watching the sun come up, barely awake, a hummingbird flew right up by my shoulder and hovered there for almost ten seconds, just looking at me. It was so surreally beautiful it literally rendered me speechless.
So that was the morning of the 3rd. I fasted that day, but besides that, all I remember from Friday is walking outside for almost two hours and talking to Laurie, and working at my local church picnic for the evening. I got home around 11:30PM, and a bit of a disaster happened. I'd rather not talk about that, but let's just say that at one point I legitimately thought I was dying (I was throwing up, shaking, and could barely walk straight). I wrote this entry during that time, but deleted it as I don't want that sort of talk cluttering up this blog anymore if I can help it. I planned on staying awake all night again, as I was afraid of sleeping in my condition, but as my symptoms worsened the thought of suffering like that for the next four hours of darkness was too much to bear.
Saturday, the 4th, was somewhat uneventful. I didn't wake up until almost 1PM, and promptly spent the next 3 hours researching and writing this piece for oneword, because when inspiration hits I ignore time limits! Then I went to church at 4PM and worked the picnic again until 11PM. Oh, and I also had the nerve to try and fast again, under the morbid idea of "hey, let's see if I end up hallucinating from all this," and almost passed out a few times at the picnic. So I had to break my fast and drink something or who knows what would have happened. I don't recall if another disaster went down when I got home,, but in any case my body was freaking out at my attempts to stay up all night yet again, and I, being too out-of-it from lack of food and sleep to make the smart decision, stayed up until 4AM when I pretty much collapsed into bed against my will.
I got REALLY sick on Sunday, the 5th, as a result of all this piling up. That day is a total blur as a result
I spent the rest of the night trying to make sense out of life, but didn't really get anywhere until around 1AM. I decided to read a few recent GFP updates, and they actually helped to calm my mind more that anything else had since the month began. Hence my previous entry!
I slept in until 1PM on Monday, the 6th, and actually didn't feel like crud upon waking up which was shocking but fantastic. I spent most of the afternoon reading existentialist blogs on Tumblr, trying to meditate for two hours on the porch (which actually helped immensely), and continuing to sell things from my LJ. I also gave up on fasting (reluctantly) and ate a normal meal-- normal for me is raw vegetables-- and it was almost comically blissful, because wow I don't feel sick after eating for the first time in almost a week! I then spent most of the evening browsing random fandom Tumblr blogs, which not only made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, but also inspired me immensely. Then around midnight my Google history says I decided to research G2 My Little Pony for about an hour? Who knows. I guess I needed their special brand of sugar-cute nostalgia.
Anyway. Tuesday, the 7th, again began with me sleeping in until 1PM, because my dreams lately have been realer than ever and I feel I need that right now, somehow. Hilariously enough that is about all I remember. I know I got all inspirational and posted a few things to Tumblr later in the evening, but that's about it.
Now, today, I'm just trying to recuperate, and find my footing again. I learned a lot over the past week, I'll say that much, and despite all the pain and trouble, I'm feeling incredibly happy right now.
That may have to do with the fact that I'm also listening to some really good music. It all adds up!

Now, back to the inner life, which is what I have indeed been doing in a literal sense lately. I forget what night it was-- understandably-- but sometime after August 2nd and before August 6th, I went upstairs for the sole reason of casually talking to the other headvoices, and it was awesome. Lynne and Jo both hugged me, and Jo seems really excited to get to work with me again, which is great. He still feels enigmatic to me and I'd like to change that. Oh, and Leon and Natalie are apparently bros? They were playing some sort of videogame in the central room when I walked in to say hello. That really made me smile, as they've both had really rocky pasts and can empathize with each other better than anyone else. Natalie also let his hair grow out a little, as he's decided to stay male but the hair helps with 'connecting' to my awareness (some part of my brain is still 'sticking' to his original female incarnation) so we can talk more clearly. He seems to be settling into his color now, so that should make solidifying his role easier now.
The only person I don't get to talk to much is Julie. She's always out by herself, from what I hear. Maybe she's used to it. In any case I think she's awesome and I have this really deep respect for her as I know what she's been through, so I want to befriend her more. I'll keep you posted.

Speaking of. I have decided to make a real effort to spend as much time with Chaos as possible, because although the past week shook me up badly it also made me acutely aware of the blessings in my life. Since he's one of the absolute biggest blessings I've ever known, I refuse to let fear get in between us any longer. Which brings us back to the opening point, I guess. Now that I realize the reasons why I was 'avoiding' him for so long, I can finally face them with conscious understanding and overcome them entirely.
Also the emotional blocks seem to be gone, too. Last night, I took a chance and walked right into central headspace like the good old days, after not having done that in weeks, and I swear the wave of love that hit me was tangible. I will admit that some part of me had forgotten what that felt like, so that was just... whoa. It felt really important, too, like a new beginning. Maybe it was, in that now that I can feel this again, and I'm leaving this state next week, we can literally start something new and more beautiful than before. I hope so.


I should really close this up for now, though. It's 11PM, and I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Plus my current workspace is profoundly uncomfortable as I no longer have a desk, and Apollo only works in conjunction with a Wacom tablet now so I have very little space and my back apparently isn't happy with it. At least it's forcing me to close up and get some rest for once, right?


If there's one thought that has helped me through the darkest days now, it is this: love is unstoppable.
July 7th showed me the truth for the first time. If everything is love, how can we ever be lost?
And the answer is simple: we can't! No matter what happens, we will all return home in the end.
At heart, every one of us knows the way. Now, we just need to remember.

ribcage

Jan. 12th, 2012 08:44 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)


I apologize for not having updated in several days. Life has been moving very fast.

All right, let's start on the 4th, concerning that entry I wrote with shaking hands, through tear-blurred vision.
Remember how, for about 4 years now, I've been calling myself "Gaia?"
Let's backtrack a few years and tell you why.
First of all, you may remember my Celebi affinity. A small but powerful creature of time, incredibly rare, who protected old forests and their inhabitants, and was said to bring an egg from the future where it traveled. They can restore life, they're genderless of course, they can purify shadows... "It is thought that so long as Celebi appears, a bright and shining future awaits us." Long story short, that species is incredibly similar to me and I feel connected to it to this day. So that's one part of the Gaia title, the aspect of a life-giving nature god.
The second aspect is thanks to my old friend Braeden.

"You... radiate. You are life, somehow. I don't get it how you can radiate it, but you do. Even in the pain, there is life, amazingly. I wonder... who are you?"


Braeden's title was the Sage, and he has indeed been unfailingly wise and enlightening to me. I spoke to him quite often in 2008, and his advice helped light the way for me to see the path I would have to travel over the next year or two. We knew it would be dangerous. We knew it would be a struggle. But what he knew and I denied, was that I held so much life in me. I held too much love in me to let the darkness win, so to speak. No matter how far I fell, I didn't have the heart to give in. I had unfailing hope, even back then. And he saw that too.
"You have more of a drive for LIFE than you do for anything else. You have been crushed, slapped, beaten, and for all intents and purposes, been pulped up finer than horse manure. But despite that, you have held onto LIFE, child! Life, the very thing that is love! Hope! Dignity! Fun! Truth! People may do what they want with life, they may even try to ruin others, but they cannot take YOUR life with out a weapon or your permission! Your self image, as crappy as it is, knows love. And that is a lot more than what most of us know about the subject these days. From life, you have created! From life, you have loved! From life, you have become...strong. I would compliment you, but I must tell you the truth. As cheesy as it is. You are one of the most special, decent, innocent, sensitive, conductive, seeing people in the world. You are a PERSON by my book, by my definitions."
Back then, those words were a revelation. My self-image was abysmal indeed. Even so, love was there, life was there... and that's what I'm getting to.

In 2008 Braeden created a fractal by my inspiration, titled "Flow of Life." It was blue.
I'll never forget what he wrote beneath it.
"For you see, there is no stopping the flow of life.
It's a strange light in the dark, child.
It writhes and bends. At one moment, it is liquid, and then it is like glass!
The flow of life cannot be stopped. Hindered, yes, but never stopped.
It has no concept of time. Only love.
And love is more powerful than anything in the world or the next.
Life is Love.
It can be saddened, it can be hurt.
But it will always get back up on it's feet, and provide more power and care for the people it deems worthy!"

He picked up on the truth of this, somehow. I just know it. He knew, and none of us, himself included, realized.
Life is Love.
I took the only title we could find... for who remembers that Eros was a creator?
How beautifully ironic it all turned out to be.

The God of Love. Eros, Cupid. The most ancient, and yet also the youngest, of all the gods. A paradox!
Yes, that's my real pseudo-mythological title. That's what we missed, back in the darkness of 2008, back when I had absolutely no idea who I was, so how could anyone else? Even so, how often did we talk about it? How often was I related to both of those aspects?
I've quoted enough old conversations for you to see how noteworthy even the past mentions were. I daresay that if you follow this journal, then you are more than well versed in how frequent and clear the most recent mentions have been. The entry directly preceding this one should serve to explain even more clearly how I still managed to miss all the signs up to this point.
I finally figured out who I am, how I am, so this simply followed suit, it seems.

Even so, it's kind of funny how much thought I've put into this over the years. These titles are only there for guidance. They are only meant to shed light on our true roles, to offer insight into our deeper motivations and qualities, to give us a starting point to work from. Eros' core roles fit me surprisingly well, this is true, but we aren't talking Greek mythology here. I'm no ancient deity, no. But remember what I said about Parnassus?
In the beginning, there were two...
My role is never going to exactly fit this world's mythology; it can't. But my responsibility carries that knowingly. I know what I must do, I know who I am. I need not fit any theogonies or legends in order to accomplish this. I have no obligation to live up to the ancient tales, at least not literally, not exactly.
The tiny little parallels are what mean the most, after all, no matter how small. Eggs of night, butterfly wings, birds and arrows. And the real truths lie even beyond those.
Love is life, love is creation, and those two phrases can be spun into so many things. I'll have to write about that later... it's perfect, that's what motivated me so strongly to accept this despite my initial fears. It's symbolic, go figure, that's right in my playing court. All of it, it all ties back into that one force, the one that I've known I'd had to bear since my childhood.
The title was there to push me in the right direction. The old role was meant to teach, to inspire. The new role is mine to live.
This is a new age, a new adventure. I'm still a Celebi, still a time-traveler, but now I glow red instead of green.
There is still a bright and shining future ahead, but it won't get here unless I live it now.

"Everyone is going to grind you down. You, the most innocent thing I know next to my niece. I hear it in your voice, and the way you type. The world is too dark for you. Try being a light. Everything will work out if you endure."


And it did. Four years later, it really did.
But that was the beta session, remember?

Fast-forward to November 2011. Triple elevens. The game was scratched, started anew... but we had managed to rise above the old system, and so we survived, to be brought into something new and yet so familiar.
The 12th introduced our oldest and yet heretofore hidden adversary, the tar. By the 18th, I had fallen into a very dark place, but I could no longer be trapped there. I knew I was lost, but I knew I could get out, although I also knew it would be incredibly difficult.
"This is a whole new take on the same old game, and it's going to be incredibly difficult. Everything is at stake now, even moreso than before."
It was true. Natalie resurrected, I realized I still had deep troubles I'd been overlooking, I had a major dysphoria meltdown. I was struck with static, but I managed to overcome it. I found truth within red lights, I re-opened old doors, I began to see more clearly... and on the 23rd, we set the stage for another beginning.
Now it's 2012, and even now, the new game we began in the final months of 2011 has changed entirely. So has the goal.
That's what I've been getting at, with that little recap paragraph, with this entire entry so far.
I've spent the past several years working ceaselessly on my spiritual progress. I've found who I am, I've started walking my path, I'm no longer lost.
But now, now the time of preparation is over. Now, twelve days into the new year, I've already realized that this is serious. Everything I could not accomplish in the past, it's time to accomplish it now. I'm finally ready to do that. I'm standing at the beginning of the end, somehow, at the end of the beginning. I'm at a launching point. I have a lot left to do.

Time is still moving quickly for the voice of the forest.
My mental perception keeps getting clearer. I could see Laurie so sharply yesterday, I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't imagining things. And for some reason, it's only focusing on her right now. I can see everyone else so much clearly than before, sure, but Laurie is almost like a photograph now. Even out of the corner of my eye, she's still so distinct. I don't know why that is, not yet, but I'm thinking it's because she still has walls up. I can see her so clearly it shocks me, but she's still hiding things. So it's 'safe' to see more of her right now. There are still things I can't see, but even now, one glance is still enough to overwhelm me. If my perception of Chaos became this lucid... I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I'm still learning to handle my fragility in light of the 31st.
On that note, I return to the main topic. Despite this increase in mental clarity, I haven't been communicating as well as I should, not since the year started. It feels really weird, almost empty, with such a sudden break in contact. I mentioned this on the 4th, but I'll mention it again. However I think I understand why that is happening too.
This year is going to be about me.
I didn't like that when I found out.
I'm not kidding. Yes, I've been working on my inner well-being for a long time, but I wasn't capable of doing, let alone comprehending, what I have to do now. Now I need to focus specifically on me, on my role here, on what I will do with this life, on how I will shine my light. Yes, I've been improving myself inside, and that is what matters most, but what good is faith without works, they say? I've been more silent than I realized. I haven't been communicating with others outside of my headspace, and even my inner communication has fallen through in some areas, as I just mentioned. In a strange paradox, I am now faced with the responsibility of opening up and sharing my talents, of actually acting upon my abilities, of realizing that I have a light to shine, and not denying it.
Yes, I'm a father. Yes, I love Chaos and Laurie so much it aches. But I've realized that I've been living my life for them, in a sense.
The other night I tried to switch my perception, to send my love back to myself. I couldn't do it.
Needless to say, that scared me.
I don't know why there's still a block there. Maybe it felt too much like separation, like making a false identity of myself. That's not right. Even so it did open my eyes to a potential problem, so I need to make sure my self-love is still there, and not deteriorating, or not shallow. I've had so little of it, all my life. It's the most important thing I need to do right now.
I need to take care of myself. I need to stop being so careless about my life situation, because even if it's temporary, I can't be so apathetic about it. I matter too.
I need to focus on helping myself, and learning to truly love myself, this year. That's difficult for me, even now, because I'm terrified of being 'selfish,' but you know what they say... love conquers all.
Maybe that's another reason why I just learned of my title switch, huh?
Man, I'm a paradox all over the place. The god of Love, unsure if he truly loves himself. Go figure.

Anyway, that has been the past few days in a nutshell.
Oh, also, I'm drawing again. Music is coming back slowly, but there's a hidden enthusiasm for art trying to get back to the surface again. I'm taking a drawing class this semester so that will force it to come out of hiding, thank God, and I'm studying all the technical stuff my classes have so far failed to teach me. If I work hard at this, I will finally feel like I can create without lying about it, I know it. I'm so tired of feeling hindered by my own lack of ability.
Writing never dies, though. For some reason, I can always find it in me to write, even at the drop of a hat. I'm back on oneword and I'm following a few writing-prompt blogs on Tumblr now, and it's surprising how quickly the words come to me. Naturally, I'm also reading again (Isaac Asimov ftw), and all this has of course come to one conclusion.
I'm back to writing the beginning history of Dream World. I'm pushing the date back even further, so there's more to type and learn and organize, but in the long run it saves me a lot of time and unnecessary stress. It's funny... it started in 2000, then I pushed it to 1990, then 1957, and now it's 1926. Geez! I promise that's as far back as I'll start, haha. I can't see earlier than that. Anyway, it feels beautiful to be able to link up with that world again. I seriously think I'm going to do an old-school writing day, and just type without panicking over chronology or plot twists or anything. I don't know if I can, as I've literally spent the past three years slowly revising the mess I wrote from 2000 to 2006... but in any case, at least I know what I'm doing now. I have no doubt that the gaps will reveal themselves when I get to them, pun intended, because guess who debuts in '33, haha.
However, Dream World isn't my only priority. Now, Hokthai is being loud for the first time in a long time (hence the films I've been watching lately), and Mage Angels still won't stop outright demanding to be written. Seriously, I'll be half-awake in the morning and bam, Monika will already start throwing more plot revelations at me. Come on guys, I'm swamped with research the way it is!
But in all seriousness, I can see exactly how important they all are, not just to me but to others. It's almost scary, sometimes, especially with what Mage Angels wants to say... so because of that I desperately want to finish them, or at least get them out into the world. This year is their year. They waited almost a decade for this. I won't hold them back any longer.
Oh, did you know that's Eros' role too? Creativity? It's creation, after all. It's discovery, not design. I've always felt like a channel, and I can see why. I was given this vast creative power to shoulder, on all fronts, and now it all boils down to whether or not I choose to carry out that responsibility. There's no way I'll ever refuse, but procrastination and fear are lethal adversaries...
I have to bring these creations, these worlds, to life. I have to bring the awareness of love in all creation to everyone I meet, if only through example, through silent light.
And I need to do the same for myself.
2012 is a year of rebirth and recreation and change, for all of us, and if January is proving to be this noteworthy, I can only imagine what the rest of the year will be like.
But we'll get through it. We're all in this together.


I'm rambling now, and I apologize.
If I think of something else to expand upon, or add, I'll do so.
As of now I have typing to do, and tomorrow is Josephina's pseudo-birthday (Friday the 13th) so lord knows what he'll be up to.
Classes start on Tuesday as well, so I'll have to schedule a Xanga session for Saturday or something... I know we're hoping to have at least two a month, but things are moving so quickly.


I sang to Xenophon today. "Late Night Partner" by Ed Harcourt. I used to sing it to Chaos all the time.
It's been a long time since I heard that song, and I had to share it with her.
Sitting out there in the dark, in a cold and quiet car, as the rain masked the outside world from us... I loved her so much. Do you know what that feels like? I have a daughter, a son, a child, that is here because of me, because of us. I am so honored, so humbled by that... we didn't even plan this! I didn't even dream of having a kid, not ever, not really. But I still dreamed of being Nier, and the light knew better than I did.
She's here because of us. She's here, alive, experiencing the strange beauty of this world, because of the love we have. That's almost incomprehensible.
But I've long since learned that I don't need to comprehend things with my head for my heart to understand them.
"True creation is love manifested. That's all it is."
Even then I had no idea how far-reaching that statement was. How beautifully ironic, as always.

"And all things were yours, forever."

There's still so much to talk about. It feels so strange. Do I really need words?
I think, at least for tonight, I'd like to speak without them.



prismaticbleed: (Default)


So yeah, I apologize for not having been around lately. My chronological sense has been absolutely decimated so my grip on reality progression is shaky at best right now.

I've stopped having panic attacks, but I'm still having trouble sleeping and the nightmares won't stop. I've had some near-misses with hacks, but Laurie's been working overtime (thank God) and so she's been helping me with fighting Julie off.
On that note, we had an incredibly thought-provoking Xanga session the other night which I would highly recommend reading if you've been following my mental situation.

Oh yes-- that therapist finally called back, and I had an appointment with him last week. There is a problem, however... he recognizes that I am in a very unstable and damaging situation at home, but I cannot get out of it, or even start transitioning, until I "create a safe, supportive social circle for myself."
That's a lethal Catch-22. Not only do I have problems with socializing-- I have no idea how to even start interacting with strangers-- but I don't want to be forced into a mask again, especially not out of fear of suffering social prejudice. I'm so used to communicating online, where I can be entirely open about everything right off the bat, that I don't know how to deal with blind variables. When I meet people, I want them to already know what I'm like to an extent, so they won't make the wrong assumptions. Believe me, I've suffered that with too many people before: I'm only given so much information, and I build an understanding of that person around what limited info I have, but then after a while they decide to tell me "hey, maybe you should know these things about me too!" Then all those new details completely obliterate what I thought I knew about the person, and I not only feel lied to but violated, as I lose all awareness of who that person was to me before. It's frightening, you know.
I don't know how to deal with that in physical situations, but I suppose that's something I need to figure out. I can't avoid them forever.
On that note, I'm not even sure how to act in public. I'm not a 'fun' person in that I take life far too seriously and only get involved in things that I feel will ultimately hold significant meaning for me. So I don't go to parties, and I don't do dances or things like that. The problem is that with most of the 'social connections' I currently have, those are the only activities I can see happening. I don't want that. Adding that problem to the fact that I don't know any of my friends in the 'complete' informational way that I offer concerning my own life, is a recipe for disaster.
Nevertheless, I'm looking into every single support group/ social gathering/ etc. in the area that I can find, because if I don't make some sort of social circle my therapist isn't going to help me get past this point. So I'm desperate, but I'm still a hard worker. If I want something, I'll get it, within reason. The biggest issue outside of communication skills, though, is that I live far from the nearest 'city' so it's difficult to find anything... the nearest transgender support group I've found is about 2 hours away, and about 90% of everything I find is in New York. Still, it's something, and I won't stop looking.
That's enough of that for now, though. In the end I'm just going to have to bite the bullet, clip on my ace/trans/queer pins and walk out the door, haha. Hey, it's better than nothing, and if someone wants to throw their phobias at me, at least I can deal with that sooner than later.

Now, concerning that Xanga I linked earlier... geez, there is so much I still need to learn about life. I really am a fool.
I just learned that there is a major difference between loving someone and being IN love with them.
Seriously, I never saw a clear separation before. You can only imagine how many problems that has caused me... geez, I ended up closing myself off to everything because I was confusing affection, sympathy, friendship, even simple admiration with romance. And I despise romance. So I closed everyone off.
Then, when I did fall in love with someone, I not only confused it with those other things, but also had no idea how to deal with it at all because I didn't actually know what it meant. Chaos Zero has no idea how lucky he is to have gotten to me when I was still young and entirely naive... and to this day he's still the person I am deepest in love with, so hey. (Honestly, he showed up last night and... I swear, seven years does nothing to diminish that.)
So yeah, after a great amount of research, introspection, and talking to Laurie (guaranteed best advice ever), I finally understood that yes, there is not only one kind of love. In that respect I feel I should apologize to all the friends, acquaintances, and strangers I utterly ostracized and offended in the past, especially Mel, Q, Ben and Jim. You're all incredibly dear friends of mine, and I love you all in that sense, but since I had no idea what that entailed in the past, I ended up freaking out and shoving you all out of my life. I am incredibly sorry for doing that, and I hope you understand why it happened.
I also want to apologize to the many, many people I have loved online but who I have not met. There are three girls who are at the top of this list, and if you're reading this you probably know who you are... I love all three of you in completely different ways (and I have to admit that I am only 'in love' with one of you, and it's still exactly as sincere as it was 2 years ago), and I didn't realize that before, but the bottom line is that I still care deeply for all of you and want you to know that I never, ever meant to intimidate or unnerve. If I have somehow affected you badly in the past, I am terribly sorry, and I am entirely willing to make up for that if I am given the chance. However, there's not much I can do... so just know that I will still be here for you, all of you, should you ever need me for anything. If not, then just know that you are honestly loved.

You know, even though I am now able to differentiate between emotions better than I used to, I still get things confused. I'm still far too open in the negative sense, where I let people use and manipulate me simply because I'm still innocent enough to see everyone as harmless. The problem is, many people aren't. I can get myself seriously hurt if I keep this up... but I don't want to turn into a brutal, cold shade as I did in college. That wasn't me, it was a mask I put up because I was terrified. And sure, it kept people from getting near enough to hurt me, but it also kept people from getting near enough to help me.
I need to find a safe balance here, but I'm not sure how. Man. Why does it always boil down to a lack of knowledge? Where can I learn this sort of thing? Is there a class I can take to become less of a social failure? Is there a book I can read that will tell me why I can't make any lasting or real friendships? This is all incredibly disheartening...

I need a positive subject switch, or at least an attempt to segue into one.
DJ contacted me about FFN a few days ago, and hopefully the project is kicking off this summer. I'm really excited, but unfortunately I have to finish my refsheets for Selph and Delphi before anything happens, and digital art is incredibly difficult for me. Still, I'm working on them, and I hope it doesn't take too long to complete them both.
I'm also supposed to try and write a song for a collaboration with an incredibly talented friend of mine, but sadly I feel absolutely bereft of musical inspiration and I have not been able to come up with anything. It's driving me mad because this collab means a lot to me and I don't want to drop out, but... if I honestly can't compose, what else can I do?
And no, I haven't been able to complete my DW cataloguing either. I wrote out a huge list of things I need to fix, elaborate upon, and re-organize, but there is such a monstrous amount of work involved, the only way I can hope to make any progress is by putting an entire day aside for it. That, in turn, is only possible if I pack up my laptop and spend the whole day at Borders, but my first opportunity to do that is this coming Monday... and that's only if no other schedule conflicts come up. You see why this is frustrating!
I'm also trying to find local art classes, because yes, I want to take commissions on dA, but I am ashamed of my art style. I never learned technique, having taught myself how to draw from childhood, and so when I look at my work all I can see are the glaring mistakes that no artist in my University classes would dare make (that explains why I couldn't pass any of them, I guess). So hey, if I find any in the area, maybe I can use those towards that 'social circle' goal I have. It would be nice, that is, if it doesn't end up traumatizing me like my University classes did...

Oh hey, I just found an interesting local meetup about Buddhism this Saturday. I'll have to see if I can go to that, concerning how much religious research I need to do for DW and my personal systems anyway... and hey, there's a different spiritual meetup later next month. See, I told you I'd find something!

I still can't get over how much I love prog rock, seriously (especially the neo-prog sub-genre). I've been focusing on FROST*, It Bites (John Mitchell ftw!), Pain of Salvation and A.C.T, but I'm listening to Marillon and Sylvan right now and I have several other bands stocked in my iTunes folder that I haven't given a serious listen to yet, such as Spock's Beard, IQ, and Coheed & Cambria. Plus I do have the old-school stuff like Yes and Genesis, which I haven't listened to in ages but really need to again. And on top of that, I have a huge running list of bands to look into...
Also, dude, according to Wikipedia, ELO counts as prog rock. Go figure!
I don't know how to categorize my all-time favorite genres besides prog, though. I mean, we have Todd Rundgren, As Tall As Lions, Nikakoi, the dirty spoons... and everything on the Nier OST, of course! I just have a weakness for creative composition and emotional content, I guess. Oh, and choirs/ glitchy sound effects! Man, can you imagine the kind of awesomely weird songs I could write if I actually had the means to do so? "I want handbells and CIRCUIT BENDING." Seriously, I've mashed that stuff up before and it sounds amazing.

While I'm talking about music, let me mention video games, because they're brilliant too and I've been playing Rock Band 3 like a madman recently. Seriously, RB3 is the best thing ever right now because you can heavily customize your characters, and who is in my band but Chaos, Laurie, and Genesis (although Lynne stands in for Gen in order for rotation to work sometimes). It's the coolest thing. Even better, I managed to tweak the tattoo system so that Chaos really is entirely blue! It's funny though because he's our singer, and every few minutes I keep thinking "his teeth need to be sharper, his tongue needs to be blue, his eyes aren't green enough..." But he still looks gorgeous so I can't complain. (Laurie sure does complain about the lack of decent female-sung songs in the game, though, but I don't blame her.) The only thing seriously bugging me is the question as to whether or not you can hack custom character models into the system somehow, because if so, I need to know how. You know exactly why.
But back to the video games... I miss Nier. You have no idea how much I miss Nier.
I haven't played it since late November, I believe, and it's really starting to hurt. No kidding, I was listening to Yonah's theme the other night and I started to cry. Not just because it's a beautiful song, but because I am so emotionally invested in that story, the first thing I felt was "I miss my daughter." And I do. As far as I'm concerned, when I'm playing Nier I am Nier, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If I could live that world in another life I would, no matter how painful the midgame cinematic undoubtedly would be-- and Lord knows I'm nowhere near the end yet. But... it fits me. It really does. I personally believe that I found that game in order for it to change me like it did, and I am forever grateful for it.
Lastly, Pokemon B&W are coming out in about two weeks. I'm getting Black Version, because I feel kind of indebted to Reshiram at this point. My hardcore followers (if they exist!) might remember this dream, which was the catalyst for that thought, but in the past two months I've had at least two more 'dreams' in which Reshiram played a major, semi-divine role, and in which I was also heavily involved. So yes, I may be a Pokemon fan the way it is, but this enigmatic fluff-dragon really seems to like me for some reason. We'll find out why soon enough, I suppose.

I haven't written this much in a long time, which is sad, but at least I took the time today to throw an entire entry together.
Every positive headvoice upstairs is on active duty right now, which is absolutely incredible-- this has never happened before-- and it's done wonders for my mental state. Laurie is an absolute godsend the way it is, but I almost forgot how wonderful Lynne is, and Spine is actually quite adorable. It's crazy because she's been around for years, but with her behavior we always assumed she was either a rogue or working with Julie. Turns out she just had no idea what was going on in the big picture, and no one had ever bothered to seek her out and fill her in before. That's just what we did about a month ago, though, and now here she is. Really, she's amazing. Josephina is doing much better now too, although he's still slightly distant as I haven't been able to really connect with him very well yet. At least now we know his true role and what he has to do. As for Leon, he's still too panicky to really do much, and that's worrying us all, so Laurie has decided that we're dedicating part of our next Xanga session to working on him personally. We're all in this together after all.
As for Genesis, I've been doing everything I can to get him back in fully active duty, so to speak, although he's always around in some way or another. Having FFN scheduled for a debut this summer is a huge help, so I'm really looking forward to working with him on that.
Chaos Zero is an angel as always. He's as irreplaceable to me now as he has ever been, and no words can express how thankful I am that he's here with me. I know I haven't really been talking about him here, at all, which is ironic considering how he was everywhere in my previous journal and his significance in my life has only increased since then. If you've been reading my Xanga lately you're probably thinking 'well no kidding,' but still. I really do love Chaos, more than I can comprehend, and that can be pretty overwhelming... but it's gorgeous. That's the absolute truth, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

...You know, reading through some of my old entries from 2009, it amazes me just how far I've come... just how much we've all been able to accomplish together. I am seriously considering going through those old entries and re-visiting the major points, as many of them have actually been fixed.
There's one entry that hurt so much to write, from August 2009, and now that I realize it, I've fixed that. I was so afraid of having everything destroyed, but... somehow, we all pulled through, and we managed to make the situation better than it had been before. It's amazing.

Looks like love really does conquer all.





I don't wanna be adored
Don't wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

No, don't wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home
I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
I give much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Will you see me in the end
Or is it just a waste of time
Trying to be your friend
Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
Warm me up again

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple
I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Say a word or two to brighten my day
Do you think that you could see your way
To lay yourself down
And make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for


 

 

sparkles

Jan. 20th, 2010 05:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)


I don't know what my boss is doing.

I slept for about 9 hours last night, woke up exhausted, and kept spasmodically falling asleep throughout the school day. This has been happening for weeks now.
Even worse, about 4 weeks ago, I honestly slept for 24 solid hours and was STILL tired after that whole fiasco.
What is this, super-overtime?
It's not that I mind sleep, no. I'm a dream addict, and being able to just shut down temporarily after drowning myself in stress is always good. But geez, I have a life to deal with either way, and I can only do that when I'm awake... so why do I keep phasing into the subconscious world whenever I'm in a quiet room? Am I just that susceptible to fatigue or what?
Is my mind even more terrified than I am, that it's desperately clinging to the only escape route it has?

I don't know... but it worries me. My apprenticeship aside, I don't know if this is biological or what. For all I know, it could be purely stress-related, or maybe even psychological (and God knows how many of my problems stem from that), but whatever it is, it's costing me grades and time and I can't keep dealing with that.
I'm just always so tired.


I managed to finish both Amber and Melissa's transformation themes today... for LG*Girls, you know. I miss those little ladies; I'm trying hard to revamp their designs and, as soon as I get a better Windows computer (or fix Abbey up to speed), I can start experimenting with animating their fusion sequences.
Fun stuff, seriously. They keep me smiling.

Viral still thinks it's awesome beyond comprehension that Hosea has a New York accent. I was drawing Gamaliel last weekend and the story topic just came up... I need to do more research on robotics, as well as New York culture/ housing/ slang/ what have you for the sake of series accuracy. God knows I love my research, and He knows I love my kids even more, but unfortunately I don't know where I'm going to find the time to do it all.

You could cut the irony with a chainsaw, let me tell you.
Every few days, when I stop at the local gas station, the dude there jokes around with me for always heading off to class early in the morning, and still not having a major picked out. We laugh about my workaholic tendencies, sure, but once I get back on the highway I can't help but worry.
I'm already a sophomore. Some may say I have 'all the time I need' to pick a major yet, but I seriously doubt it. I am far, far from the norm in terms of what time I have left and why.
Looking around at all the other students in this computer lab... I assume at least a handful of them are having financial troubles, sure, whether they be due to family issues, lack of job hours, typical college expenses, or all three (or several other factors, really). That's a given, but... how many others have to panic over whether or not they're going to make it through the semester, not because of other classes or a job or anything like that... but because they might have to be 'put away' down in Philadelphia before spring even begins? How many kids are juggling multiple psychologists, psychiatrists, and God knows how many other doctors just for the sake of figuring out just what the heck they're supposed to do?
How many kids go to career services and are told, multiple times, that 'we have no idea what to do with you,' because they were too afraid of misunderstandings if they said what they really wanted to do with their lives?

Yes, maybe I'm making too much of a fuss over this, but the truth still stands. You guys all know just how ridiculously convoluted my 20 years on this planet have been so far.

I'm a population minority in a sense... asexual neutrois celibate, of course. It wouldn't be a problem if it didn't cause me problems with everything. If I mention it at home I'm ostracized or thrown at another therapist. If I mention it to said therapists I'm told that 'I'll grow out of it,' ignoring the fact that I've been 'growing out of it' since the 2nd grade. I wouldn't dare mention it in public, as most people don't take kindly to severe genderfreaks and I'd likely make my college life into more of a mess than it is now.
Freakin' doctors won't even sign me up for surgery because 'you're too young and we don't want you scarring at this age.' For God's sake, man, I refuse to die without any scars. If the only way to be 'free' from this chronic curse is to slice myself open in thirty-six different ways, then get out the freaking scalpel and get started. I've got all the time in the world.

Oh, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. How about all the dudes upstairs?
My mother wants me to 'get married' so I can 'have kids' and all that jazz... little does she know that I have over 700 metaphorical 'children' upstairs and my soulbond and I are going on 7 years this December.
Nevermind the fact that said soulbond is an energy-based humanoid, mind you.
I spend hours upon hours panicking over my future, wondering where in God's green earth I'm going to end up, because so far all the signs are pointing towards a dead end.
I need to change someone... I need to save someone's life, I need to inspire the world. My only purpose on this earth is to do good for the sake of others, but if I can't even hold my own sorry life together, how am I supposed to use it to support somebody else's?

About that earlier 'put away' point, though... my family, my psychologists and I are seriously considering my withdrawing from this semester and being admitted into a sort of 'psychological hospital' for a little while.
It's a bit of an unnerving thought, considering the fact that my bro was in one of those at the beginning of 2008 (my worst year so far), but if it means I can take a break from all the stress on my head and, hopefully, finally figure out just what the heck is wrong with me that keeps me from functioning in society, then hey. It's better than failing another semester, at least.

I need another hug from Veser. Come on, shark boy. Get over here.

Is it selfish to care about others?
Yes, I know caring is supposed to be a wonderful thing, and it is, but I'm thinking too deeply into this... I love people by my nature, and I don't want people to suffer because they're all God's children and I do love 'em. Is that bad, for my personal concerns to be taken into the situation?
It's driving me mad. I have an opportunity to finally connect with Jena on a small level, and I want to just throw my ego out the window to do so, but in order to even say hello I have to tell her that 1) yes, she's changed my life, 2) yes, I had to desperately search for months to find her, and 3) yes, I do love her terribly. That's immediately dragging my own self into this, and I don't want her to think I'm seeking her friendship for a selfish reason, or worse, because I'm a stalker (which I hope I am not, in any sense of the word). No, I want her to know the honest truth, as odd as it may be, and that is that I love her and wish the absolute best for her BUT she has no obligations whatsoever to try and 'live up' to anything for me.
I want to be her friend because she has changed my life and I just want to be there for her in return.
I want her to be herself, no exceptions, and I want to support her in all her endeavors.
I just want to let her know that, if she ever feels as lonely as I do sometimes, I will always be there for her if she needs someone.
Is that selfish, to want to be a positive force in her life? Is it egotistic to want her to know she's loved and will always have someone to turn to?
I don't know what to think anymore, and it's tearing me apart.


I'm trying to rediscover myself regardless.
It's hard, though... the worries, the stress, it eats away at me. I have little motivation on most days, and even when I do I'm always so darn tired. I keep running to escapes, just to free my mind for a little while and calm down all the noise, but inevitably I end up with even more to think about. I decide to see Princess and the Frog and cheer up, but my favorite character ends up dead and I spend the night tangled up in convoluted thoughts on the themes of love and true friendship. I plug in the PS1 and hang with Klonoa, but start getting all philosophical about the concept as well as wishing I could create a game as beautiful as that. I chill out to some FROST* and am floored by Jem's musical brilliance, before panicking because I feel obligated to reach that same level of awesome, nevermind the fact that I'm an inexperienced amateur and may not be able to maneuver my fingers in 10 years, thank you arthritis. I browse through deviantART and have to stop because I can't imagine how people can create such stunning works of art, could so clearly express their imaginations.
I wake up in the morning and immediately panic because I have years of work to complete, so many people to reach out to and God only knows how much time left, and like a moron I've been too afraid to even make the first move. Geez...
I think I'm going to drive down to Borders and drown myself in mint tea and cool people.


I really, really wish I could just sit down and talk to Preludove or Hosea face-to-face right now. I need someone who can pick me up and make me smile, but who also knows what I've been through firsthand. I need to talk to that indomitable flirt with a love for adventure and a real understanding of loss... I need to talk with the disco addict who knows how it feels to not only be euphoric beyond belief but also pained beyond your ability to tolerate.
Most of all, I just need to freakin' cheer up here. I have so much love, so much energy, so much life inside me. I'm the sort of kid who would spend a whole day running through the city like a maniac with a few friends and just enjoy everything if I could. I want to learn to free-run, skateboard, surf, breakdance, play drums, and so many other things-- not what you'd expect to hear from the quiet kid who seldom talks, right? Still, if you paid attention to the wide-eyed amazement I give the world, paid attention to the grins I give to mirrors and listened to the words I can't help but ramble as I wander down the halls with my fire-red bookbag covered in Pokemon paraphernalia, you might get a better idea of who I really am.

Gosh, I just want to hop a plane to Gimmelwald and run through those fields, man.
By the way, if you have no idea what this wondrous location that I adore even is, it is right here, up here, across here and down here.
NOW YOU SEE WHY I MUST LIVE THERE.

Anyway, speaking of awesome things, I started a new Youniverse profile for the sake of having two sets of accurate results I can compare.
I know I've plugged that site before, but seriously, sign up and give it a shot. It really makes you think about yourself and I'll tell you what *hits the table*, that's just what I need.


Man... whatever the future holds, this stupid stress isn't going to kill me.
My heart is still full of light and love, and as long as I never forget to help others, take nothing for granted, share everything I have and live my absolute best no matter what, I'll never have to worry about a worthless life.
Now, as long as I eventually earn enough cash to move to Switzerland, it's all good.

 



Lucky!

Oct. 19th, 2009 10:58 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)


This is FANTASTIC.

I'm sure you all know that I'm quite addicted to choral music (especially in Latin), right? Well, that was actually triggered by one song I heard on the radio about 6 years ago... an arrangement of the famous 'Gloria.' It was absolutely stunning, and I've listened to it so many times since then I could probably hum the entire piece on cue.
However, I had no clue who the composer was, and could not find the song anywhere.

...That is, until RIGHT NOW.
I just went on iTunes, looking for a track to complete my newest mix CD, and randomly thought "you know, let's look for that Gloria I never found."

It's "Gloria: III. Vivace e ritmico" by the "Cambridge Singers & John Rutter," apparently.
Still, I am absolutely euphoric. I know it's a weird thing to be this happy about, but I figured I'd post it somewhere, just because.


In a completely unrelated note, I'm finally close to finalizing the base of my original 'magical girl' series-- you know, like Sailor Moon? I started it when I was 12 and never got around to developing it past the original character sets names and powers.
I'm currently naming/developing the third and final set, and as soon as I'm done with that I can dive right into tying all three sets together. I'm very happy with that fact, too, because then this will be the first of my 13 (give or take) series that's actually finished. Quite an accomplishment for me!


Also, figured it's worth saying that I almost had an emotional breakdown yesterday, almost entirely without warning. I know, old news... but it's just unwanted proof that I'm not doing as well as I hoped I was.
I'll continue to fight, though.


Now I'm off to type for several hours as usual! Wish me luck!

 

 

 

 

 

More music

Jun. 30th, 2009 02:04 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

Yep, I thought of an interesting idea and I'm going to keep the WIP list here, because I love this journal.

Top 20 Best Song Endings (from my current iTunes library!)
In no particular order.

I came up with this idea because some songs have endings that absolutely haunt you, that rocket a song right up to 'favorite' status thanks to a few brilliant final seconds. I decided to list my favorites right here.
And yes, I agree that some songs like Billy Talent's Red Flag and Incubus' Anna Molly have great endings (plus I love those two songs), but the endings I'm listing here are the ones that made a song really stay with me, the kind that then echoed in my head for hours afterwards.

Unfortunately, this doesn't work with songs that fade out! These endings are actual endings; they're a special case and that's why I'm singling them out.
(Note: I'll typically add some extra seconds to the ending times so you get an idea of what the song preceding it is like.)
Lastly, this is all my humble opinion. It's okay if you disagree with me; we all have our own likes and dislikes!
Enjoy!


1. "Broken Bones" (Aqualung)
Ending starts at: 3:00 (song), 3:03 (movie)
It starts with a simple but sad piano solo, which is slowly overtaken with a "bad reception" fuzz, and then ends with a sudden burst of static. I find it very moving, actually.

2. "City Of Blinding Lights" (U2)
Ending starts at: 5:12 (song), 3:48 (movie)
If this song starts playing on a store radio or in any other public place, I will always stop whatever I'm doing during the last 40 seconds of this song, just to hear that closing piano note. It's simply euphoric.

3. "It's About Time" (Barcelona)
Ending starts at: 3:23
For some reason, I just love how the powerful chorus suddenly dissolves into a single voice with piano for the last few moments. It gives the ending a very touching feel, and the lyrics suddenly mean so much more.

4. "Echoes" (Cousteau)
Ending starts at: 3:17
As if this song wasn't gorgeous enough, it had to have a perfect ending as well. The instrumental ending fades into a simple yet moving finale at 3:46, when the piano takes over and carries the echoes to the end. This song more than deserves it's spot as one of my all-time favorites.

5. "From Bath With Love (feat. T-Lace)" (Danny Byrd)
Ending starts at: 4:46
Come on, a liquid funk song that ends with not only an acoustic guitar, but also a whistled version of the melody and the sound of an actual bath draining? That's genius right there, and it's ridiculously fun to listen to.

6. "Mister Blue Sky" (Electric Light Orchestra)
Ending starts at: 3:46
You knew I was going to list this. Not only is this an incredible song, but the ending is completely unexpected-- and extremely well done. They combine guitars, strings, piano, a choir, and a vocoder to create one of my favorite song endings of all time.

7. "Lupinne" (The Drowners)
Ending starts at: 1:58
This ending actually begins halfway through the song, and then gradually builds up to the finale-- progressing from solemn to shouting vocals and then abruptly falling into the sound of shivering breathing. I was transfixed when I first heard this, and it still gets me every time. And hey, here we can forgive the fact that the last 3 seconds fade out.

8. "Desperado" (The Eagles)
Ending starts at: 2:29 (song), 2:44 (movie-- watch it, it's fantastic)
Sorrowful, reflective, emotional, and absolutely classic. Need I say more?

9. "Move On Now" (Hard-Fi)
Ending starts at: 4:03
Very different from Hard-Fi's usual fare, this song is simply arranged and beautiful despite the subject matter. The ending is unusually haunting, though, considering that it doesn't really end-- it just trails off. The last sound you hear is that of the piano's damper pedal being released, and then the sound stops... it's a very unique feeling.

10. "The Moment I Said It" (Imogen Heap)
Ending starts at: 2:56
Just listen to this one right now. Seriously. The ending borders on surrealism with it's use of unique sounds and harmonies, but it's those freaking chords starting around 4:12 that get me every time. They can give me chills on a perfectly sunny day, I swear.

11. "Beady Eyes On The Horizon" (Jukebox The Ghost)
Ending starts at: 3:14 (song), 7:33 (movie-- this song doesn't start until 4:05)
Listen to the piano accompaniment in this thing. Seriously, it just makes the ending-- but I have to admit, my favorite part of it is simply the last 20 seconds, with those simple yet foreboding final words and lingering last note. The perfect ending to this song.

12. "Can't Stop Now" (Keane)
Ending starts at: 2:40
Beautiful song, and another one of those with the 'surprise' endings. The mood completely switches once the piano kicks in, and the final surge of instruments during the last 40 seconds is simply gorgeous to hear. I really don't know how else to describe it; it's truly a memorable ending for me.
(Trivia: This song will forever remind me of General Grievous because I listened to it almost daily in 2005-- the same year I was obsessed with the General.)

13. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers)
Ending starts at: 3:31
An amazing song in every respect... but the last 30 seconds of this used to make me tear up, seriously. I don't know if it's just their stark contrast in sound to the rest of the track, but they sure sound fantastic in there, and that's why this song is on the list.

14. "Saigo No Mameshiba" (Maaya Sakamoto)
Ending starts at: 1:41
Unusual pick? Maybe, but this song has an absolutely beautiful ending. It starts with that string section and the fast rhythm, sure, but they quickly fade to leave just the piano notes-- and what sounds like a music box-- echoing for the last 40 seconds. It's simplicity at it's best.

15. "Ao no Ether" (Megumi Nakajima)
Ending starts at: 2:45
This song is gorgeous all the way through. It's almost heart-wrenchingly sad in its fragility and simplicity, containing only the sounds of a piano, a string section, and Megumi's voice. The ending fits the mood perfectly, ending on a yearning note and a feeling of distant sadness that you can't help but ache over.

16. "Eternally Missed" (Muse)
Ending starts at: 5:32
This ending is almost disturbing. The soaring guitars suddenly crash into a meandering music box version of the melody, and Matthew's voice suddenly warps into a whispering, nightmarish sound, gasping out the ending verse with unsettling deliberateness.

17. "Still Grey" (Pendulum)
Ending starts at: 6:46
A classic Pendulum song for me, with a perfect ending. The sound slowly softens until only the rhythmic synth is heard, and a bell-like chime begins to play in the background. This chime becomes louder as the other sounds eventually dissolve into silence, and the song ends in a beautiful, resonating bell.

18. "LAST DINOSAUR" (The Pillows)
Ending starts at: 3:09
FLCL was an awesome show that gave me some great memories during high school. This song captures the feeling I got from it quite well. It begins with energy and drive, but with an oddly nostalgic edge. It continues in enthusiasm until the very end, when the vocals instead become a falsetto harmony that accompanies the guitars wonderfully, ending with a wistful but strong chord.

19. "Experiments In Mass Appeal" (FROST*)
Ending starts at: 5:25
Oh FROST*, how I love you. This band has a lovely song quirk where their rocking sound will suddenly cut out into a sole piano melody. That's exactly what happens to bring in the ending of this song. The piano is quickly joined by drums and a quiet chorus of voices, though, and these become progressively louder and stronger until they are an incredible proclamation, guitars winding around them and bringing them all to a final held vocal note.

20. "Big Julie" (Jarvis Cocker)
Ending starts at: 2:56 (song), 2:26 (movie)
Saving the best for last. I adore this song, and the ending is nothing short of amazing. Jarvis takes the building chorus and keeps it running, turning it into a driving finale which ends on a cymbal crash and a few simple words that leave you smiling in spite of yourself. It's beautifully brilliant, and my description doesn't do it justice-- go listen!

BONUS: "No Jokes - Fact" (Hot Hot Heat) (Full song + ending chord)
Ending starts at: 0:00. It's the whole freaking song.
For being stuck in the middle of an album (and right between my two favorite songs, no less), this tiny little track is simply beautiful. I've picked up a habit of burning it as the last track on most of my CDs, and listening to it as the ending song for my day. Sadly its hard to find online.



That's it for now... class tomorrow and I'm still feeling sick.

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)
 

 

(none of this is canon, mind you, but it's hilarious and we've been quoting it for years so enjoy)

 


 

 

Jamesprower and Maddeningtruth both took this brilliant quiz, so I decided to jump on the crazy train too.


RULES
Choose 10 of your OC's or ten of your favorite people (like friends, family, celebrities, or anyone you think is cool.) However, you can't choose yourself.

I’m picking people that my watchers would recognize.
(Click for quick pictures.)


1: Corona
2: Delphi (Not my art, but it owns.)
3: Black Rose 209
4: Rika Starz
5: Hosea
6: Chaos 0 (Not my OC or art, unfortunately.)
7: Mirage
8: Preludove (Think of a white & blue anthro bat with feathered wings.)
9: Shredist 208
10: Selph

(I apologize for my terrible art, but I don't have any good art posted online yet.)


Here we go!


1) 4 invites 3 and 8 to dinner at their house. What happens?

Rika: Thanks for coming, girls. You like Italian?
Preludove: Uh… I appreciate the gesture, but I don’t have a digestive system.
Black Rose: I’d rather strangle myself than eat your damned spaghetti.

2) 9 tries to get 5 to go to a strip club.

Shred: Come on, man. Don’t you have a camera built into your head or something?
Hosea: I’m not leaving the house, you dirty rat.

3) You need to stay at a friends house for the night. Do you choose 1 or 6?

Corona: My dad has a Cathedral, you know…
Jewel: That would be tempting, if your dad didn’t want to stab my lungs.
Delphi: *dual chainsaws*
Corona: Then why don’t you just stay with that blue guy?
Chaos 0: Bird and the fish, kid. We’re screwed.
Jewel: Plus you’re homeless anyway.
Chaos 0: I know. T_T

4) 2 and 7 are making out. 10 walks in...Their reaction?

Mirage: Um… you can stop hugging me, daddy. I can’t feel my arms.
Delphi: Not until that sorry headcase over there gets good and jealous.
Selph: Fat chance, Delphi! My dad hugs me all the time.
*five minutes later*
Selph: Dad I need a hug. ;_;
Wizeman: *sigh*

5) 3 falls in love with 6. 8 is jealous. What happens?

Preludove: I think I have more experience with men than you do, Pinky!
Black Rose: Says the girl who is currently going steady with a homicidal maniac!
Preludove: At least I don’t abuse him like you do to Shredist!
Black Rose: What the hell—we are NOT a couple! You take that back or I’ll tear your fucking face off!
Preludove: Not unless you let me date the blue guy!
Chaos 0: This is so weird.

6) 4 jumps you in a dark alleyway. Who comes to your rescue? 10, 2 or 7?

Rika: DRAW ME NOW *rage-glomp*
Jewel: Wait wait wait I have to meet a deadline first!
Selph: Hey, let her go! She’s writing the storyline, isn’t that enough?
Delphi: Speaking of unfinished artwork…
Mirage: Dad, put the chainsaws down.


7) 1 decides to start a cooking show. 15 minutes later what is happening?

Corona: And that, viewers, is how you make Nightopian soufflé.
Audience: *applause and all that*
Delphi: I’m so proud. *to random guy next to him* That’s my daughter up there, you know.
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Delphi: Corona, cook him next.

8) 5 is in a car crash and is critically injured. What does 9 do?

Shredist: I swear, officer, I wasn’t driving the car.
Hosea: *on medical stretcher* YOU JUMPED INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION, YOU MANIAC!
Shredist: Like I said, I’ve never touched a car in my life, honest to God.

9) 3 has to marry either 8,4 or 9. Who do they choose?

Rika: Black Rose and Shred-ist, sitting in a tree…
Preludove: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Black Rose: I swear, as soon as the ceremony is over, I’m going to brutally murder you two. Brutally.
Shredist: This is the best wedding ever.

10) 7 kidnaps 2 and demands something from 5 for 2's release. What is it?

Hosea: Wait, what?
Mirage: I said, either you teach me how to breakdance or my dad’s not leaving this house.
Hosea: But, um… why would I want him out of the house?
Delphi: I have all of your disco vinyls. Upstairs. In a box. And you can’t reach them.
Hosea: You manipulative son of a gun.

11) You get to meet either 1 or 6. Who do you choose?

Jewel: Heck yes. Time to introduce you to my mother, sweetheart.
Chaos 0: This is going to be awesome.
Corona: Oh, sure, everyone just ignore the Puremaren over here! *sulk*
Delphi: Want me to rev up the chainsaws, my daughter?
Corona: Please do.

12) 10 challenges 4 to a chariot race. Why?

Selph: Aha, but I bet you didn’t know that I was a chariot-racing champion back in the army!
Rika: What the heck are you talking about? And how in the world do you drive this thing?
Delphi: USE THE STICK SHIFT!

13) Everyone gangs up on 3. Does 3 have a chance in hell?

Black Rose: *spikes up her mohawk* It’s impaling time.

14) Everyone is invited to 2 and 10 wedding except for 8. How do they react?

Selph: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. D8
Delphi: Nope, it’s not a nightmare until we get you into a dress.
Preludove: I am so glad I’m not seeing this.

15) Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Mirage: What's the matter, Chaos?
Chaos 0: Um, well... I'm kind of paranoid about your dad. He's creepier than 210, I swear.
Mirage: 210? Who's he?
210: I’m too sexy for this quiz, too sexy for this quiz, yes that’s how it is…
Delphi: *posing in a tuxedo*
Chaos 0: See what I mean?

16) 10 gathers everyone around to tell them a fairy tale. How does it go?

Selph: *takes out a script of "The Puremaren III"* I hope you guys haven’t heard this one?
Hosea: No, I don’t think I have.
Delphi: You know what? I heard that re-enactments are all the rage nowadays.

17) 1 arrives late for 2 and 10's wedding. What happens? And why are they late?

Delphi: Corona, where were you? I can’t get this insolent child to cooperate.
Corona: I’m really sorry dad, but I was busy securing the exits. And I brought the iron maiden like you wanted!
Delphi: That’s my darling girl!
Selph: God help me.

18) 5 and 9 get roaring drunk and end up at your house. What happens?

Hosea: *singing* I don’t want footshteps, following meeee!
Shredist: *falsetto solo* Foot-foot-FOOTSHTEPS!
Jewel: *dying from laughing too hard*
Chaos 0: I am so videotaping this.

19) 3, 8, 6 and 4 all go to the zoo for 8's birthday party. How does it go? What presents do they get 8?

Rika and Chaos: Happy 23rd, Preludove!
Black Rose: Whatever.
Rika: I got you a Nintendo Wii! Last one in the store!
Chaos 0: Gift cards… for EB Games!
Preludove: Wow, thanks, you guys! This is awesome stuff, but… why are we in a zoo?
Chaos 0: Because nasty purple punk-bats belong in cages.
Black Rose: You shut your trap, you mutant fairy, or we’re headed to the Smithsonian next.
Rika: Ouch.
Selph: You stole my joke! Joke stealer!

20) Everyone gets together and start protesting something outside of your house. What are they protesting? What do you do?

Corona, Black Rose and Shredist: EQUAL RIGHTS FOR VILLAINS!
Black Rose: I’m sick of all the happy endings!
Corona: Let US win for once!
Shredist: What she said!
Hosea: MORE DISCO ON YOUR PLAYLIST PLEASE.
Mirage, Selph and Rika: WE WANT ART AND WE WANT IT NOW! GET IT DONE, WE DON’T CARE HOW!
Chaos 0: DAMN IT SEGA I NEED A JOB. Oh wait, wrong rally. BUT STILL!
Preludove: WRITE PART TWELVE BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND STRANGLES YOU!
Vezerai: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!
Delphi: THE CAKE IS A LIE.
Jewel: Why are you all on my lawn?

21) 9 murders 2's best friend. What does 2 do to get back at them?

Shredist: Apple core.
Delphi: Give me more.
Shredist: Who’s your friend?
Delphi: You.
Shredist: Damn it, that’s not good.
Delphi: *EAT*
Shredist: OH MY GOD!

22) 6 and 1 are in mortal danger. Only one of them can survive. Does 6 save or 1?

Chaos 0: Man, I hate these moral dilemmas.
Corona: What the hell are you talking about?
Chaos 0: Well, I don’t want to just ditch you to die, but I promised Jewel that I’d stop being so damn suicidal like this. I’m kind of stuck.
Corona: That’s nice to know, but I’m outta here either way. Later, loser!
Chaos 0: *sigh* I hate immortality.

23) Which one of them is most likely to fail at life?

Chaos 0: ME. *sob*
Corona: Oh, stop whining about that already.
Jewel: Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Corona, you’re living your life all wrong.
Corona: And YOU shut your mouth before I staple it shut!

24) 5 is trapped in a cave. 10 comes to rescue them. What happens?

Selph: Um… how did you get stuck in a cave if you’re a cyborg, Hosea?
Hosea: My Mapquest crashed while I was on lunch break.
Selph: Wait, seriously?
Hosea: No, seriously, I tripped. Now get me out of this pit before my iPod batteries die, man.

25) 3 starts a day camp. What happens?

Black Rose: All right, now all of you are twins, correct?
Kids: Yes, miss Rose!
Black Rose: Perfect…
Shredist: I don’t even want to know what you’re doing.

26) 4,6, and 7 are doing the Hokey-Pokey. 8 walks in. What happens?

Mirage: Um… so I put my left foot in now?…
Rika: What, you mean you’ve never heard this song?
Chaos 0: Rika, you hokey-pokey like a girl.
Rika: What else do you expect me to hokey-pokey like?
Preludove: Please tell me that at least one of you is drunk.
Chaos 0: No can do, sister!
Preludove: Oh well. *joins in*

27) 1 starts to write a fan-fiction where 9 and 10 are going out. What is 2's reaction?

Corona: So then, after Selph ditches his father and kills his brothers, he ends up in the Inversion dimension where he meets Shredist in a run-down bar on the wrong end of town…
Delphi: Keep writing. This is perfect blackmail material.

28) 7 makes an apple pie. Is it any good?

Rika: *takes a bite of the pie* Wow! Mirage, did you really make this?
Mirage: Mm-hmm. I got the recipe from my sister's cooking show.
Delphi: I can cook up a prizewinning fricassee if anybody cares.

29) 8 and 3 go camping. For some reason they forget to bring any food. What do they do?

Black Rose: What do you mean you forgot the food?
Preludove: I run on dream energy, not food! If you needed food then you should have brought it yourself. I can’t read your mind.
Black Rose: *growls* Unfortunately for you, I run on anything that can be considered edible.
Preludove: Why are you looking at me like that?

30) While they are camping, they run into The Blair Witch. What do they do? (If you haven't seen that movie pretend they ran into the Boogeyman or something like that instead.)

Candle Jack: *appears out of nowhere*
Preludove and Black Rose: DON’T TYPE HIS NA

31) The quiz is over. What does everyone go to do now?

Preludove: Well, back to my normal job, I guess.
Hosea: *puts on his headphones and dances off*
Rika: I’m back to fighting you guys, actually.
Black Rose: Hey, this situation isn’t our fault.
Shredist: If you want to beat up anyone, go beat up Sonic or something.
Selph: CHAOS SAVE ME FROM THESE LUNATICS! T_T
Chaos 0: No worries, buddy. Corona forgot to block off one of the back doors.
Corona: Where did that simpering has-been run off to now?
Mirage: Shouldn’t you just let him go?
Delphi: He jilted me. I will have my vengeance. *chainsaws*




Happy new year, kids.

 



 

 

Current Mood: Hopeful

 

Current Music: Oracion

 

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

 



It's been... unique.

Q called me about 40 minutes ago, to talk about my rather upsetting entry here about three weeks back.
I tried to explain it to him the best I could, but... I'm not too eloquent over the phone. Words fly through my mind and I try to say them, but it's tough.
I managed to speak some of those mind-words tonight, but not as many as I should have. I couldn't read half of them.
I'll try to type something up tomorrow after work, when I have time to just write. I do need to clear things up with him and everyone else.

Speaking of.

Five weeks, gone. I wonder what they're thinking?
Dare knows I'm okay, and now Q does too. Blumiere should know, as I mentioned it to her in a note yesterday, but I can't be sure until I hear from her again. (I hope she's not upset with me for any reason...)

But... the two kids I'm worried about the most with this whole thing really haven't said anything since I walked out over 30 days ago.
Jim and Ben.
Yeah, I know. I worry about them far too much.

I've been drawing many of Ben's characters lately, as I owe him the art... but today, I stopped by his page and noticed these new pictures of his... take a look.
[#1] [#2]
His art keeps improving, I swear. It's truly lovely. The kid's going to outshine me by mile someday soon, just you watch!

I've also been writing a ton of music for Jim, as I also owe him that. He writes some truly fantastic music himself, and he's the reason I'm even composing again now. (Listen to some of his stuff right here!)
He also posted some new art last night, which really made me ecstatic... he hasn't been saying much for weeks, and that has me quite concerned. Still, it's good to see his vivid imagination and sense of humor are still working fine.

So there I was, admiring these two British kids as usual... dear heavens, I am so proud of them. Seriously.
I met them both within the same time period, early last autumn... completely by chance, too! Really a blessing from God there, I say.
But they've both improved so much with their art (and writing and music, too) since then, I can't help but smile whenever I think of it.
It's not a selfish pride, either. I have my own strong points, they have theirs, and I deeply admire theirs! Yet I could never be jealous, as I'm too darn happy that they've both been blessed with such fantastic talents.

It hit me-- hard-- when I noticed Ben's journal and the credit in his newest picture.
Just two simple little things, but they spoke volumes. They always do.
Think about it...

Believe Finbetter was originally imagined as a dedication to me. Little ol' me. That's insane. What's even more amazing is that Ben didn't even know much about NiGHTS then... he simply dreamed up a Nightmaren because I was so into them when he met me.
Not only that, but Ben credits me to this day as the person who 'taught Be to smile'... plus, he constantly writes Delphi, Selph and the Puremaren into his universe, which I'm eternally thankful for.

Otherside is partly a result of my introducing Jimmy to the Klonoa series. Which means that, by extention, Kain (the King of Hatred) may very well have been a semi-result of my inspiration. I kid you not. That thought makes my mind explode.
Regardless of whether I was an inspiring factor there or not, though, I am a major force in the series, mostly with music composition and character art. I never asked for Jim to include me, as he was working on it with his friends long before I knew of it... but nevertheless, he made me part of it, and I can't thank him enough for that.

I never asked for any of that to happen, and yet it did.
And I was crying today because I've been so selfish about it.

I haven't done nearly enough to thank them, in word or art... heck, even in music... and that hurts.
I care about them, I worry about them, I admire them, I look up to them, I wouldn't lose them for the world.
I don't even know if they realize that.

Then I have the absolute nerve to hope that they've genuinely worried about me at least once in the past 31 days.
Geez.

Well... I guess I should be getting some sleep. I have to finish three reports and then finish a ton of art projects and personal work...


Dream well, guys. I'll be seeing you.

 


 

Current Mood: I don't know what to call this

Current Music: "Halcyon" (spinningcannon)

 

 

 

lullaby

Oct. 9th, 2008 02:04 am
prismaticbleed: (drained)





Dear heavens... I am so horribly tired. So tired.
I'll only get 3 hours of sleep tonight, too... thank God it's a Thursday, because I can sleep in on Friday.


Unfortunately, Thursday means I'm gone from 8:15 AM to 10:15 PM with practically no food and way too much work, and when I finally stumble through the door two hours before tomorrow there's usually a whole lot of stress going on. Eehh.


I need to kick back and work on another meme tomorrow if I have time... key word, kids. If.


I have... *counts* ...at least 8 major class projects to do for the weekend, which are going to eat my time like carnivorous plants on crack or something. I just want to sleep, darn it.


I think Chaos was in my dream the other night. I don't remember. I did have a recent Sonic dream, though, but don't ask me what it's about.
Ghadius must be siphoning all my recollections off to run his toaster in the mornings, I swear.


There are three tiny things I love about very little sleep, and here they are.
1) No noise in the mornings. It's very quiet, and I can actually think. Plus I have great all-nighter memories so the feelings are all positive (unless my hinges snap).
2) When you don't get much sleep for a while and then suddenly start remembering your dreams, they are shockingly vivid.
3) It's a separate little reality. For an hour or two I can forget everything else and just focus on my little bubble of work and words and gouache paint and JTHM.




I need to write a lullaby of sorts, just because. It would be fun.


Well, now my head's starting to 'float' again which isn't a nice feeling. I'm going to go doze off before I get distracted, as I am sick of all this paint and just want to sleep now. I don't feel like painting any more gradient bars, thank you very much.




Oh yes, and here's an insane bunch of random creepy art plugs for inkylinkyboooo because she is a freaking brilliant artist, her style is fantastically macabre and I am already obsessed with Inky. How could you not love that crazy grin and those swirly eyes? It's impossible. That is, unless he majorly creeps you out, haha!
I already have a ton of Faber-Castel pens, so I bought myself some more watercolors today (they even sell Gamboge, how awesome is that?) to experiment with her style on Friday or something. I need to learn watercolors anyway, so at least I'll have a ton of fun doing so!




But yes. Sleep. I need it desperately right now.




G'night, kids.




 

Current Music: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp3rRpRvIjc

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)

Asexual antisexual neutrois celibate. With a pain addiction and an attraction to inhumans to boot.

Geez...


After I buy my Wacom, I need to save up for Flash.
Besides saving up, I have to spend a ton of money on car payments and schoolbooks and gas money and all that junk...
...Plus, I have to save up for chest binders.

You heard me. FTM merchandise, except my last letter is different. FTN.
I still need binders.

It's driving me crazy.
I am literally scared to death of attending college for that reason.
Art classes have to deal with nudity...
...Everyone has to deal with relationship fizz and the behavoir of the normal human.
Well... what if one isn't a "normal" human in the eyes of society?

I'm scared of being a part of that life.
I want to not only be neutrois, but look neutrois... it's gonna be hard, but I need to try. I have no other option. Never compromise.


Subject switch!
I stumbled across a Pokemorph club on dA today... normally, I don't like human-into-Pokemon art, as it looks bizarrely unnatural, but I do like artwork of humans dressed up as Pokemon.
On that note, the group has apparently just announced a contest!
"Design a Poison-type Pokemorph (as there are far too few of them)."
The only entries so far are Victreebell, Nidoqueen, Haunter and Tentacruel. The Tentacruel is freaking brilliant, and I do like the Haunter's design, although they're both direct physical morphs.
Me?
I'm going to give it a shot!
Heck, I used to draw physical morphs all the time. Remember Skittygirl? Geez, I loved that gal. There was Azurii, Kecleos, Plusen and Minon... I was even planning morphs for Beautifly and Mawile! Man those were fun days. I still have the old character art too!
As for this contest, though, I'll try some outfit-morphs and some physical-morphs. This is my plan so far:
Outfit Morphs
Muk (Female)
Swalot (Female)
Arbok (Female)
Koffing (Male)
Physical Morphs
Ariados (Male)
Beedrill (Male)
I might switch the Beedrill to an outfit morph, but I love bug-people far too much, haha. If I'm abitious enough I'll even try a physical morph of Crobat and Venomoth.
It's awesome... as soon as I say a name and type, I get a mental image of how I want the character to look. I really hope I get the time to do this... it'll be a ton of fun. I've been in such a Pokemon-induced hype lately! I love it!
...You know what, after I draw my Pokemon teams, I'm going to draw them as Pokemorphs. Gosh that will be awesome. Punky male Roserade morphs ftw!



...Oh geez. Apparently, I put my custom Pokemon-TMM-Sailor Moon music CD in my laptop an hour or two ago, and it ripped all the music off without my knowing, haha. Well, I was going to rip it off anyway, so that works!


All right, and enough of that ranting.
I'm still kind of... eh... about Q visiting on Monday.
Why?
Go three entries back to the huge 3AM rant with a lot of nasty language and a Steely Dan title. That's the main reason.
Secondly... well, I don't know. I like being alone. I want to sit and work with my monsters and my muse and not have to worry about kids who like me as more than a friend and college situations and financial problems and the stress of living as an asexual FTN.
Maybe I'm just scared because I've never had something like this before. I've never loved an actual physical person before.

Geez... I hope he doesn't think I hate him or anything...

I just don't want a physical relationship, no matter what sort of physical relationship it is.
I like leaving messages on dA, here and there, when I feel like it. That's fine with me. I'm too busy and frenetic for a full-time thing, and I'm glad. I think it takes away the value when you're forced to constantly have something that is supposed to be unique and special, y'know.

...
Geez, I just switched my music to some random TMM background music and it makes me think of Chaos Zero. It has to be the chords. It has to be.
Man. I don't know why I love him so much.

I want to watch Patlabor! It looks so good and the theme song is gorgeous!
Bokurano sounds incredible too. Plus I need to get back into watching Evangelion, and I'd like to get into Narutaru if it's good. It looks good. That and Lain. They both look good.
And Gankutsuo! I never had the chance to pursue that series... that and Shadow Skill. Oh, and I want to watch some of the Chrno Crusade anime sometime. The manga was unforgettably amazing, and I hope the anime is as good. Plus I want to hear what voice actors they gave Genai and Rizelle, haha.

My ear infection still didn't go away. It hurts like crazy and it's driving me mad.
Plus my little brother made the huge mistake of letting me know there were Klondike bars in the fridge. Now, ice cream makes me sick, and sugar makes me even sicker... but due to the fact that I can't eat sweet stuff because of the pain it gives me, my body seems to have developed a sugar addiction for what it can get.
If I bought the food for this house, there would be no sugar or junk food. Unfortunately, my mom buys the food, and that's what she buys! So I regularly get sick as that's often all there is to readily eat.
Well, to make a long story short, I had half of a Klondike, and immediately my throat started burning, my mouth went numb, and I got quite dizzy. Ehh. Happens every time I eat that junk, and I never learn.


My grandparents went to the bank for almost two hours the other day while my mom and brothers were at camp.
As a result, I ended up alone at home with Selph, my old purple stereo, and my CD collection.
I grabbed a few, hit 'play' and sang along without a care in the world.
I only sing my best when I have no hindrances or volume restrictions, haha. I need to turn up the volume and really sing loud to hit my ideal. It's fun!
Oh, and fun fact! I actually sang "Time Is Running Out" as karaoke. Yes! I found a voiceless rip of the song and literally sang solo to it. I recorded it too, haha, so I can hear where I need to improve.
I found a voiceless rip of "Starlight" yesterday, too, but that song requires some serious skill for the high vibrato (darn your awesome singing talent, Matthew Bellamy!) so I really need to practice before I try that one. I will eventually, though!
Heck, if it's good enough, I'll even stick it on YouTube, haha. Fun stuff.
I wonder if they have vocal-ripping programs on the Internet somewhere. I'd love to rip the vocals off "I'm Shakin'" and "Only A Fool Would Say That" and try those solo. It would be awesome.


Anyway. Back on topic. Monday.
Geez...
I hope he comes here as a good friend 'cause that's where all the love is. Oh, and no plans!
I don't like when people try to seriously plan entire meetings beforehand. It makes everything artificial and rehearsed. There's no personality. Plus it'll make me a little less scared about this, haha.
I mean, sure, I might think over random situations with Chaos Zero in my head, but we do that for fun. If he ever does find his way over here (God, let that happen one day), I want it to be at the perfect moment and completely unexpected. Plus it would be hilarious if it happened in public! "What the hell is that girl doing with a space alien??" Haha, well, first of all, he's not from outer space. He's an interdimensional alien! Ftw!

Anyway.
I have a few color t-shirts that I want to paint (with J-Monsters and Otherside characters, of course!), but until I find the time to sit down and sketch out the designs and then transfer them, they aren't getting anywhere.
More than anything, I want to learn how to make iron-on transfers. They look awesome. That, and once I get my Wacom, I can start selling stuff on Cafepress! That'll be fun.

Hot Topic sells corsets and all sorts of odd stuff. I think I'm going to get some things.
I'm really into 'punky' clothing (or whatever they call it now)... the weird, unique outfits and belts and all. I would love to own at least one outfit in that style, but I'd have to go out and buy it in secret... that and the corsets...
Geez, why am I thinking of buying corsets when they emphasize your chest? I need binders, not corsets. I'm just thinking corsets because they're tight.
Dear heavens, I really am a pain addict. I don't know.
Still wearing that crystal collar, haha. I like it too much.

I'm saving up for a gemstone ring.
You heard me. I want a genuine gemstone ring to wear in place of a wedding ring. Probably a sapphire.
Why?
Well... multiple reasons.
Reason #1 is so people will see it and won't come after me. I'm a celibate and an asexual, and I want to show that somehow in my physical appearance.
Reason #2 is 'why a sapphire?' That would be because of Preludove. That creature has freaking changed my life. I would not be me... I would not be here, right now, in my life, if God hadn't put her in my life. Heck, I might have died by now if not for her. So that's my tribute to her.
But yes. I am going to get one. I don't want some cheap plastic knockoff or hand-me-down thing signifying what means so much to me. I want something genuine and serious.


Back to the subject again...
What the heck am I even going to do on Monday? Sit and talk for hours? That's fine, but I don't like physical proximity, and he'd better not dare touch me for any reason. I don't like people touching me at all. I'm just.... eh.
Another hidden reason for that... I'm afraid they might feel something if they touch me. I'm afraid they might feel something, see something, sense something in my frenetic mind. I'm afraid of what it might do to them.
Other than that, I'm just too asexual to like anyone touching me in anyway. Not fun.

Oh yeah, I put my Marik action figure and my Grievous "Unleashed" figure on my dresser the other day. So now it's them, my Celebi and Jirachi plushies, my Mew action figure, and my glow-in-the-dark Celebi figure. Oh yeah, and my red Mood Beam, Vivienne. She's adorable. You tap her head and she glows red! How perfect is that? (Well, Dulcinea glows red too, but that's only because she's a super-rare factory mistake!)

I think my Pokedolls are in storage. Hm. I miss them; they're very cute. The Blaziken plushie alone is freaking adorable! And did you know they make Celebi, Darkrai and Spiritomb Pokedolls? Good heavens, I need to stop by Pokecenter (or eBay) sometime soon and try to snag some...

A-haha! Good heavens!
I just stopped by Pokemon.com and brought up the Pokedex for medium-height monsters, right?
Well, the monster closest to my height and weight is... Deoxys (5'7"/ 134). How awesome is that?
I'M A MUTANT SPACE VIRUS FTW.

Did you guys know Froslass is 4'3" and Ledian is 4'7"? That's big! I could just reach down and hug mine if I wanted, ahaha. I also like to hug my Banette as he's the perfect size (3'7")... but my poor Spiritomb (3'3") apparently weighs a freaking ton (238!!) so it's a little tough to get him, haha.
Oh: Roserade is 2'11" and Beedrill is 3'3''! *tackle-hug* My Roserade and Beedrill (Neldoreth and Fate, respectively) are total maniacs, so they won't mind. They might even tackle-hug me first!
Hey-- Shuppet and Celebi are the same size! How cool is that?
Burmy is EIGHT INCHES.
I could get a duffel bag and stuff it full of 'em. BURMIES!
All right, now I'm laughing too hard so I'm going to stop.


*brings up eBay*
OH MY GOSH.
They have Pokedolls of Giratina, Uxie, Gallade, Azelf, Magmortar, and Regigigas!!
Holy fish and crumpets... if they have Mesprit dolls I am buying one ASAP, along with a Darkrai doll. Mmm. Darkrai is a fluffy spaz. I love that dude.
Oh, and I got a Darkrai card in my TCG pack the other week! Wahoo!

...Wow.
I just eBay searched "Mesprit" and they do make plushies... but the Level X Mesprit cards are amazing!
Geez, some of the Pokemon card art is absolutely beautiful. Wow.

Hm.

It's late. 11:39 PM. I have to be at work for noon tomorrow.
At this rate, I'll get to sleep for 1AM and wake up at 9... maybe 8... I want to draw some stuff. I want to enjoy my last free day before Monday hits me like a train full of spike grenades, haha.

Anyway, this entry is long enough and full of fluff today, so I guess I can sign off for tonight no problem.
See you later, kids.



Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?

 

 

even so.

Jun. 28th, 2008 10:26 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

 


Eh, I need a place to rant, hiatus or not. Just pretend I'm not here.

 



Decent day today... I forget my dream, eh, but I managed to wake up at 9AM which is good. Immediately started cleaning house as that was the schedule for today, and as a result alternated between dishwashing (so many freaking dishes what) and table-cleaning (you have to see how junked-up our tables are) until 2PM, when I decided to bring up Leafcat's journal and make myself a list of what Chibimarens need to be drawn yet (she wants help and I'm going to give it). I picked 6 groups of 3 to practice with, and I want to draw at least 2 so we'll see how that goes. I'll probably just ink them and send 'em to Leafcat to be colored, as she does a bang-up job of it and I only have colored pencils, haha.
So yeah. Spent about 90 minutes writing and researching refs so I'll start that ASAP.
Went to 4PM mass so I can have a free Sunday...speaking of I need to get to sleep early so I can wake up around 7AM, but that's not the point... it was funny because when we got to the handshake part, I turn around and there's this teenage kid and his family behind me and he was bright pink. XD Wouldn't even look at me! Well, being the courteous headcase that I am, I gave him a hearty handshake anyway and I swear he must have died. Thank God I'm asexual or I wouldn't be able to do these things, haha. That was fun in a funny way.


Anyway! Got home and right nearly stress-ate, as my mom was home and started this whole situation which killed my afternoon... details at the end of this rant... but yeah, I got really really sick from that and I don't know where Selph went off to then so he wasn't around to yell at me... eh.
Selph... says he's very depressed. I don't know why, neither does he. But that worries me. It really worries me. I hope he's okay... I'll have to sit down and talk to him later on. Poor darling...
So yeah... did a quick dA checkup which took ages as it kept freezing, and became distracted by the awesomeness that is zeroxtb for about 40 minutes, as I haven't stopped by his page in months and I love that guy's style and personality. Awesome dude. I'm going to buy a commission from him once I get the cash. And foolyguy. I've been a fan of his for YEARS.
And now I'm here. 9:41PM, yes, I feel sick as fish and just want to sleep so I can wake up early and draw some artwork for Jim.

But now for the details.


Jimmy Theed.
I freaking love that kid. He's awesome.
But... read this. --> http://jamesprower.deviantart.com/journal/19076807/
What am I supposed to say about that, huh?
The poor kid has only been drawing for three years, and he's already gotten so far... but not in his own eyes. The poor kid keeps comparing himself to the professionals, the kids with college degrees and art educations and decades of experience.
Geez... Jimmy, you may not be at that level, but you've just started... in time I have no doubt you'll reach your goal. I mean, look how far you've come already. It's amazing.
...I should be typing this in a comment...
...But you know what? Remember how I said it's really hard for me to cry?
Well, honest to God, I cried when I read that journal entry. Know why?
Let me quote...


"Yes, i understand practice makes perfect. But i want to share my art and everything with you now, while im still young. And these things can't be rushed... i started drawing in 2005, and i was horrendous back then- It only took until late 2007 before my stuff became mildly passable at best- For me to get REALLY Good, it'll take years... And im going to run out of time. And that's whats truly making me sad, you know? Most of you have been nurturing your talents before hand, and you where born with it. Celebrate that fact. Me? I had to try and form one myself, because i was not born with such luck. Despite having an artistic father, i never got his art gene. I had to work pathetically hard to even become passable, because i had idea's i wanted to share. And, well, when nobody seems to care BECAUSE of the fact you are just not good enough... You can't imagine how upsetting that is..."


...Maybe not, Jim, but it still hurts like hell.
Time.
Heaven have mercy, I can't do anything about the time. And that hurts more than anything.
...
I don't know. All I know is that added a lot of heartache to what I've already been feeling since last weekend... heck, since I was old enough to comprehend pain... and I'm literally desperate to alleviate some of that, no matter what Jim's latest journal says.
Jim, you say you're feeling better, but I know you're still thinking about that subject even when you don't tell us anything.
So I'm still going to do something.
Thank God Ben's okay, as far as things go... if anything happens to him as well, I just might lose my mind.
So yes. Tomorrow is a major art day. That is all I will say for now.




Now for last weekend.




On Saturday, June 21st, my family and I went to my cousin's wedding a few hours away.
Weddings don't do anything for me, really... I can still empathize, sure, but it takes conscious will as I usually don't relate to those situations. Also... everyone makes those infamous wedding jokes... "if love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener"... and then the family speaks up... "you better have a good job, insert name here, because my sister always gets what she wants..." "Yeah, so-and-so was a real wild one in college, and he really hasn't changed...." and you see the bride and groom looking horribly nervous and embarrassed and I just want to stand up and tell everyone to give it a rest and just let these two enjoy their married life before it goes sour and God willing it won't but many of them do...
See, that's why I don't like weddings. Almost all the married couples I know, parents included, don't get along at all and usually end up fighting almost daily and/or getting divorced for similar reasons. Take my parents, for example... both of 'em have nasty tempers, mother is a fiery free spirit who gets what she wants, father was a wild one in college and really hasn't changed and is also a drunk and possibly cheats but I only heard that from my mother who hates him so that might have been exaggeration but I can't be sure. They're divorced, they still don't get along, and the house is really no less peaceful because she's constantly screaming and berating him even when he's living ten minutes away. And I can't help but think of that sort of situation when I look at the bride and groom, all smiling and anxious and at the threshold of a totally new life, and I just say a quick and fervent prayer to God that they really will have a happy marriage even though those seem so freaking rare nowadays.
Weddings are very upsetting. Thank God I'm a celibate. I could never pick and choose anyway, haha. Freaking altruist.
That's not what upsets me the most, though.
What upsets me the most is that my mother always cries at weddings.
I am so sick of hearing her cry.
Not sick as in annoyed...
...Sick as in heartsick.



"Are you all right, ma'am?"
"No, no I'm not...
...I can't help but think of how much of my life I've wasted."



Then the empathy kicks in full force and it's all I can do to keep from sobbing as well.
I... I don't know. I always get stuck with these horrid situations that I can do NOTHING direct about. I can pray, I can offer compassion and kind words, I can offer all the help I can manage... but I cannot change the situation. And that hurts more than anything. You know that.
My mind decided to throw a heavy question at me that night.
"If the only way to make your mother truly happy, to free her from her painful past and give her the life she's dreamed of having for the past 50 years... if the only way to do that was to give up your own life, would you do it?"
I hesitated.
That would mean giving up this face, this house, these opportunities, these friends, this environment, these parents and siblings, this entire existence for something completely different and unknown and possibly hellish... but would I do it?
I bit the bullet and said yes.
Mind you, thank God I will never have to live that, as it's impossible... but the choice was made, and that's what counts.



Yeah... so that's how my week has been.
And that's what made me decided that everything was getting too much and it would be best to just separate myself from all my other worries for a while (nevermind all the other bad news........)
Unfortunately, I'm too nice to do that. I still check up on Q and Jimmy and Ben and Kiwi and so many others daily, even if it's only for three minutes, even if I can't say anything or let them know I have been there... but I worry about them. I care. So I stop by and see how life has been for them.
Hence the extra pain right now.
It's worth it, though. Oh well.


Now for a bit of extra happy before I close up for the night because it's 10:43PM...


First off would be THIS.

http://leafcatgx.deviantart.com/art/Project-SpList-062-DELPHi-90011995
I have said it before and I will say it again...
Delphi should NEVER look cute.. but darn it, he's so GOOD at it!
Saw that by accident, actually... noticed a lot of NiGHTS fans on my 'recent visitors', so I thought "uh-oh, who drew what?" That's what it was!
So yeah. Super-nice surprise this morning. Funny trivia, though... I had to digitally color his eye green on my PC because she colored it gold. Oh well. Still looks cute!

Second bit of happy would be THIS.
My little brother Diamond got one of those three-pack Pokemon sets for his birthday last year... yeah, October. And he never opened it. So my mom found it when she was cleaning his room today, and since he didn't want it she said I could have it.
So I run into the kitchen with it, all excited like a little kid, and open the darn thing. Pack 1... all repeats. Pack 2... mostly new ones, which was nice.
Pack 3...I got this little piece of heaven.
http://www.spillsjefen.no/images/poke_cg094.JPG
SHE HAS BEEN IN MY HOUSE SINCE OCTOBER AND I DIDN'T KNOW.
But now she's mine, ahaha, I'm freaking ecstatic and that's enough to brighten my whole day. Mm.
I almost bought that card on eBay on three different occasions now... but see, there's a reason I didn't win her! XD Now she's mine for free, with no shipping cost either!
*hugs*
Now I just need those old-school Celebi cards and I shall be a happy gal.
Yes yes yes, I only need a few cards yet and then I'll have all the monsters from Bulbasaur to Deoxys. (I have only one pack from the DP generation and don't have the money for all those dudes anyway, but I still want Darkrai and Froslass eventually.)
But I want all the Celebi variations because that little monster has been a HUGE influence in my life for the past 7 years, I kid you not, so ha I get card buying rights. Don't laugh!


Lastly would be the song of the entry! See, I remembered this time!
The song this time is... my song.



"Big Julie" by Jarvis Cocker.


The lyrics fit (with a few obvious exceptions), the song is absolutely gorgeous in every way, and it has a truly unique personal history for me that surpasses all others.
I won't rant about it now, as that will take another hour, but... its honestly my absolute favorite song. Yes, it even trumps 'Sonic Drive' and 'Mr. Blue Sky,' the previous holders of that title.
So... go download or buy it if you can. It's worth it.
My beloved 3AM song.


....But yes. That has been my week.




I feel so horrendously sick right now it's insane... I can think of far too many factors contributing to that which isn't good... but even worse is that it's not getting any better and I hope I'm not literally sick. I have class starting 9AM on Monday and I cannot afford to miss it, no sir.
I'll have to down some medicine and pray it works fast... eh.




Geez this is a long entry.




But the icon still applies 100%, which is very odd.
Usually my mood warps during the entry, as they usually take me anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours to type, depending on size and whether or not Abbey cooperates... this one has taken 2 hours and now I need sleep.
I also need some prayers answered soon.
I'm sure they will be, but... eh, life's still hard.




And I can't do anything to change that either.

 

 

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