prismaticbleed: (held)


DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

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SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

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IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


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REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (worried)

LOTOPHAGOI that we remember (most are M.I.A.) =

● EMMETT = green food ONLY, esp. lettuce & spinach; cilantro?? typically LEAFY greens; PURGED what WASN'T green
● AIMEE? = fed Emmett, ate what "wasn't green" in HIS food?
● FIG = sweet fruits? specifically figs
● that one girl with the cornflakes & vanilla soymilk
● ZUCCH? = bingeing on zucchini squash
● AXIS = mushrooms; prevented garbage eating
● COCO & NILLA? = chocolate/ vanilla "child desserts"; cookies, ice cream? "LIGHT BROWN"/ "powder" chocolate flavor (cocoa); NOT CANDY
● CAKE? = cake desserts, esp. vanilla/ yellow base (NO chocolate)
● CAYENNE? = spicy food & seafood in CNC; "dare you to eat it" + "entertain/ prove" in RISK context (esp. ALLERGY threat + pain)
● CHOCOLOCO? = coffee & dark chocolate, any "real" or "rich" chocolate? also PREVENTS eating it
● "THE BOAR?" = pork, ham, bacon; "SELF-OFFERING"
● the "CHUGON" and/or "blue dragon"?
● (TAUREIA & others were BINGERS in general.)
● (MOST daengels DID have some sort of food associations due to their inherent splanchnivorosity.)

Oh my gosh we DON'T HAVE PEOPLE. THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T FOCUS/ INTEGRATE HEALING ATTEMPT DATA.
So we need to POST JOB OPENINGS, and they MUST BE SPECIFIC! AND tied to foods that CONSISTENTLY cause distress/ keep reverting/ resist healing/ trigger aversion/ are inexplicably disliked/ seen as "bad."

✳ BLUEBERRY flavor, ESP. "dried"
✳ APPLE flavor, ESP. apple cinnamon
✳ STRAWBERRY flavor (allergy, sex, filth)
✳ CRANBERRY (acid, mom, filth, binge)
✳ MANGO (jade, mess, binge, sex)
✳ PINEAPPLE (allergy, SLC, sex)
✳ RAISINS (bloodsugar, purging, filth, binge)
✳ BANANA (bloodsugar, sex, jade, animal)
✳ COCONUT (sex, vomit, tropics)
✳ PEACH (sex, CNC, rot)
✳ PEAR (sex, hell, bloodsugar, purge)
✳ PLUM (acid, mess, sex)
✳ PERSIMMON (allergy, bezoars)
✳ NECTARINE (mess, summer)
✳ DRAGONFRUIT (jade)
✳ PAPAYA (sex, bugs, jade, rot)
✳ MELONS (sex, rot, poison)
✳ POMEGRANATE (sex, mess, jade, hell, rot, trypophobia)
✳ DATES (sex, jade, bloodsugar, binge, allergy)
✳ LEMON (acid, CNC, SLC, rot)
✳ ORANGE (acid, mess, sex, binge)
✳ CORN? ESP. popcorn? (allergy, CNC, child, binge)
✳ SEAFOOD, ONCE WE DO ORAL ALLERGY TESTING? (they will be VITAL because of intimate associations)
✳ JUICE IN GENERAL?? (disturbing: drink = sex?? bloodsugar) (ALSO compounded by other fruit fears)
✳ CRACKERS? (family shame, mess, bugs, filth)
✳ SANDWICHES? (mess, binge)
✳ BREADED/ FRIED? (unhealthy, sick, CNC)
✳ POTATO, esp. BAKED? (bloodsugar, starch, allergy, UPMC)
✳ NOODLES (bloodsugar, sex, starch, phobia)
✳ TURNIPS/ PARSNIPS? (allergy, starch, mom)
✳ PUMPKIN? (allergy, halloween, SLC)
✳ BBQ, esp. "SMOKE" (hell, SLC, CNC)

✹ WE'LL NEED A WHOLE CLASS OF LOTOPHAGOI JUST FOR FRUIT!!!
EVEN BETTER, WE SHOULD COLLABORATE WITH THE LEAGUE ON THIS EFFORT!!!
(THIS NEW ERA MUST ALLOW FOR SUCH COMMUNICATION IF OUR HEART & MIND ARE TO TRULY HARMONIZE INTO AN INTEGRAL COOPERATIVE WHOLE/ FAMILY)

WHY ARE SO MANY FRUITS SEEN AS "THREATENING"? IS THERE TRAUMA? OR JUST DISTURBANCE HISTORY? (THE SHEER AMOUNT OF ASSOCIATIONS WITH "SEX" IS DISTURBING ENOUGH) An relatedly, WHY are we TERRIFIED of the thought of "BLOOD SUGAR SPIKES"?? Does that fear extend to SUGAR in general? Is it particular to form/ presentation, or globalized to concept?
✳ It's partly BOTH because it ALSO extends to CARBS which is WHY we went keto for so long!! HOW DID THIS FEAR START?? WHEN? INVESTIGATE THIS! (Also, check ARCHIVES to see if there's ANY chronological data as to WHEN we stopped eating carbs & sugar; post-2008?)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

✳ Headspace meditation in bed; feeling out COLORS in relation to FOOD in respect to the LOTOPHAGOI. We were weirdly MORE STABLE/ CONSCIOUS on SOME VITAL LEVEL when we ate AS A SYSTEM?? I think it's because the FOCUSED & SPECIFIC FUNCTIONS made experiences CLEARER & helped data MAKE SENSE, BY KEEPING IT "DISCRIMINATED"? Isolating particulars to PEOPLE prevented the "identity blur" caused by SENSORY INPUT OVERWHELM that is "EVERYTHING AT ONCE" and ultimately results in NUMBNESS due to BURNOUT, like a blown circuitboard. This ALSO exacerbates MEMORY LOSS & DISSOCIATION, and it takes SIGNIFICANT quiet/ solitary time UPSTAIRS to recover... where we CAN process/ sort things out TOGETHER.

✳ We NEED Lotophagoi FOR FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE FOODS/ FLAVORS, so that they can be ADDRESSED AS PARTICULARS AND ALLOW FOR DIALOGUE!! These associations MUST BE TIED TO COLOR or they WON'T WORK (DISSONANCE)!!! And it CAN'T BE FORCED. Seeds CAN be planted & job offers posted, so to speak, but GOD GIVES THE LIFE. Just like no human can design the child they must be open to conceive, BOTH the conception & formation BELONG TO GOD. He just works WITH & IN us.
✳ First "search" (need jargon) = BLUEBERRY. It's an INDIGO resonance so I went to that realm. It's actually beautiful. Blueberry bushes GROW in the SNOW, but they're all SILVER with glossy WHITE leaves? And the berries are big & look like gems, it's so gorgeous. I got the strong impression that they taste DIFFERENT from "SUMMER" blueberries? which WOULDN'T PING INDIGO!!
✳ There IS a NASCENT LOTOPHAGOI for indigo/ blueberry? I saw her; she's young, like maybe 14 tops. She has ivorywhite skin like the leaves, indigo hair done up in 2 back buns oblong & big like blueberries, with some accent strands but I couldn't see clear, & I didn't "see" her face or front at all. She's wearing an indigo & silverywhite dress, the white notably being lacy like frost? Very elegant. She was at the edge of the blueberry winter woods, which lets out by that famous stone bridge. There's no name resonance whatsoever yet; she's too new & ethereal. She needs to ANCHOR into her directed function first, which will require further mindful exposure TO her resonance, which as a potential lotophagoi, IS the blueberry flavor. SHE will be the one TO eat them, so LOOK FOR HER & help CONNECT her to them whenever they are given to us! (And START FEELING FOR A NAME RESONANCE!)



121422

Dec. 14th, 2022 11:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(extremely unfinished and disjointed entry. inevitable. will refine later. again, not publishing this would be actively trying to hide. can't do that.)



Up at 945?
Store dream, at night, empty, forced to do lots of work. typical.
old classmate was there, steph s. flirting with me? surprised me, didn't see myself as even likeable

Bed a mess. everything pulled out and bunched up. how the heck did i even sleep
threw it all on the floor. Blanket pile for Xennie 

Chumble spuzz talk 
forget what triggered it??
talking about taking care of grandma when she was dying. how that was giving her dignity and respect.
touched on the importance of the Incarnation in this respect. "God not afraid to get involved in all the humiliating things that humans are cursed with," yet it didn't corrupt or taint him. the staggering depth of a love willing to literally become almost animal in order to divinize us wrecks.

Kettlebell reminder 
30 reps! getting better
TWO full chinups now, working on three

Breakfast prep
Mimic stepped in to hang out, i was thankfully happy to see him, that's progress for me too. also shows i'm in a better state of mind to not be overwhelmed instantly by the "threat" of interaction or paying attention to people

we're out of cayenne pepper haha. scalpel & phlegmoni so bummed. spice said we'll get more, they actually high-fived
this is cracking me up, i never ever expected them to become friends, why are they bonding over spicy things, it's the funniest thing

Hearing lewd comments & jokes while we talked?
THE YELLOW GLASSES GUY
Laurie "found him" instantly and dragged him into openspace
Thought she was gonna kill him
apparently yellow/orange were FUNCTION PUSHING ON LYNNE??? forced her to do THEIR job??
Lynne walked over & PUNCHED him 
"so you're the reason why i ended up dead???"

also ANOTHER girl-- "sunny"??? MATCHES THE OLD UNIDENTIFIED "RECOLOR" AVATAR-- is orange, and deals with the meme-forcing??? SO MUCH INTERNALIZED GARBAGE.

JEZEBEL CAME BACK????
we heard another "commenter" speak up but awful language, we tried to "pinpoint" them and they SHOWED UP??
TOOK JULIE'S OLD LOOK?? roughly but notably & shocking. but ALL BLACK.
THREATENED TO TAKE RED.
I nearly went INSANE. 
Scared everyone. literally losing humanshape. crackling like shattered glass and fire. would have ripped her to shreds
Mimic STEPPED IN. jezebel sneered, threatened him to attack her 
He almost did. definitely wanted to. Then put knife down, smirked and just says "No." 
Briefly said why. Cowardice vs fighting. Doing what she wanted vs standing ground & refusing, no power over him. 
(Added later that he was also shook by the "nobody stays dead if they're supposed to be alive" thing; with the function debate he refused to take the risk of making her LOOK invincible; his refusal was actually victory) 

Laurie still walked over & buried her axe in jezebel's skull
Mimic was like wtf, I just took a stand and you do this??
She said her violence worked differently with her function. Force resets remember. 
Jezebel glitching but wouldn't reset. Felt horrifically disturbing. 

Infi went eldritch and ATE HER.
Blood spilling from between teeth. Everyone in shock. 

SPIT HER OUT. 
she was too tarry. bright red lipstick standing out. furious screaming at infi. too corrupt to transmute????

Infi locked her & yellowguy in bubbles
Mimic thought about prisons, how he hated being stuck in them, said should we do something else? explained "if i hate it i shouldn't make others do it". still weird of him to ask. maybe flashback motive
We said sorry but no, they're in there for their good AND ours. They will only be let out if they prove they won't be malevolent

Blackdress girl function splinter?? "don't kill me please" thought she was the e.d. girl???
Immediate glitchout, was that even a person? or just a temporary "form" made by the systemind in this unstable state??
Laurie like wtf is this 

Discussion with Infi & Julie 
they abandoned their old jobs (rejecting the sexuality terror) BUT apparently those dark functions STILL must be held by someone for AWARENESS & TRANSMUTATION
Ironic but true 

I attempted to put jezebel into plague cell? But feared further corruption 
I tried to find "grayspace" but doesn't exist???
CELEBI & HOOPA SHOWED UP
Space portal & timelock. WORKED. Felt them put "on hold", safe
Laurie commented "since when are you two bipedal"
"Since we're not really Pokémon anymore"; want new lives, no thievery for hoopa
"Now you guys gotta get new names" 
honestly though i haven't seen hoopa in over a year i think, so glad he's still around

couple people spoke up after this
knife and razor had been literally hovering at the sidelines with their weapons, razor didn't attack because "it would have been bloody" and knife doesn't like actual aggression
caught a glimpse of algorith and sugar in the background too
leon sobbing to me later, he had been mia for the whole thing, he took out his pistol and just sobbed "it would have been so quick" but he couldn't. too much terror
chaos 0 had been literally physically & mentally held back by rio and markus
"if they hadn't i would have gone perfect"
remember he still picks up my emotions and I was feeling MANIACAL RAGE.
 

No breakfast until 130 because UNEXPECTED 40M HEADSPACE "FIELD TRIP" WITH LEON
From 1250 to 130? 
apparently we can ONLY do this when we're FASTING.
that explains the constant "visions" during college when we would never eat
god how much have i LOST by that sugarshock hell of an inpatient stay????
feel like a walking corpse now. don't care that i'm a "healthy weight" you're killing my SOUL

anyway
leon concerned about how his color "slips" when he's distraught? which is "normal" but still dangerous. he wanted to "feel out" the other blue-group hues to see if he does resonate with them or not.
 
SO.
WE VISITED SO MANY COLOR REALMS
met him in indigo, it's still snow and stone and mist and ice and incense smoke and graveyards. high altitude. quiet. gorgeous. remember the crucifix in his church is coming OUT OF THE TOMB and jesus has his arms reaching out. like the resurrection but still anchored TO the cross. "mercy" feeling. oddly very indigo. deeply moving.
we first went to SAPPHIRE??? one huetone down. place still mostly unformed but vibe is CLEAR. nienna was there!! couldn't really talk though as she's technically a social & internal interaction will break her function. realm apparently "belongs to" bakura (rio)??? really nice vibe actually. oddly comfortable. makes me think of starmaps for some reason
then HARBOR. still feels like dishonored, haha. didn't stay long; that color holds ALL our fears about blue tones, so it hasn't been explored at all
next was BLUE, still looking like it used to with all the led lights and technology-glow vibes. and WALDORF MET US THERE!! hugged leon so hard, she said "i missed you too, neighbor!" they talked briefly. i remember when we left i offhandedly mentioned we didn't eat yet and she jokingly offered me a waldorf salad. i had to laugh, absolute childhood memories there. she said "oh wait you can't have walnuts" and i said that's fine i don't like sweet things anyway. "ah well more for me then" she replied. her eyes are still red btw. hair not cyberlox anymore, they're the kerrigan alien-dreads like they were originally. she's gone ENTIRELY back to her roots and i can tell she's living now. so important for us all to do that i think. find our hearts. before the horror happened.
then SKY? kyanos was there, sitting away from us at a distance, looking at the sea. place still looks like santorini
then CYAN. whitespace!!! unformed. leon had me focus on it and it STARTED TO FORM WHILE WE WERE THERE. all icy mountains and actual glowy-ice glacier bits. total childhood vibe. no buildings, just crags and freeze. felt weirdly safe and dangerous all at once. exhilarating. jewel would love it
then AQUA. place is kind of unstable yet? chaos 0 met up with us, we were discussing his unusual color "shifting" over the years YET he is still tied to aqua?? more resonant with his SI existence
then we tried to go to LIME but we FORGOT IT SHIFTED, it's now "SPRING" and there is a NEW "CHARTREUSE" hueslot. the distinction was vital; there are CLEARLY DIFFERENT VIBES to them both. celebi was there, she helped us "get the vibe" correctly as she's apparently STILL in charge of it. spring is all sunlit leaves & childhood forests. pure joy feeling. everything new & warm & open? not like GREEN, that's deep forest. odd that cel has this one but it's how she feels in headspace, what life was like when we met her. total joy.
took us to CHARTREUSE anyway. yes it's a fear hue. all open fields and summer bug sounds. childhood anxiety.
leon didn't want to go to GREEN because he's still not ready to think about nathaniel's death
so we went back up
stopped at VIOLET. almost pitch dark. very unformed. still resonates with churches at night & monkshood flowers though. wondering if aconitum is alive or not. no ping
then PURPLE, absolutely stunning. still nighttime mountains and stellar galaxy sky. i pinged Laurie and she joined up. talked about her realm design for a bit, i noted there's snow on the ground, she said yeah because we're on a mountaintop but also "because of you." really touching. then she added "plus it's sparkly which is awesome" laurie i love you don't ever change
then PINK, the church & graves are still there too, and the gazebo with the cherry blossoms. notably a white "glare" around everything. could "feel" the underground below it. disturbing how it's connected THERE. makes sense though, what with all the abuse in this hue for over a decade
skipped MAGENTA. felt too unstable. no defined qualities yet. don't want to risk trauma triggers either, pink realms are volatile in that regard for previously mentioned reasons
tried to go to CERISE? echoes of eros there. but he's gone. nc utterly annihilated him tbh. the place still has a solid vibe though. NONSEXUAL thank god. but still overwhelmingly sensual. very dangerous place. but important.
then bravely attempted "RED-VIOLET" but like cyan it's still whitespace. cannot form yet, it's too unstable. only one person we know for sure holds it and that's bruise, who we haven't seen since the ER
lastly went to RED??? skipped BLOOD but could feel the difference; i THINK it's anchored into razor's cisterns now?? anyway blew my mind to go to red, technically it should be "my realm" but SCALPEL runs it. with the retrowave grid skies and all. BUT that's the "BLACK" side???? apparently it CAN "flip" to WHITE and THAT'S when you get the white stairways and roses everywhere?? still totally unformed. bizarrely tied to SKY. thinking of cz & i with that, surprised but not. anyway definitely merits further investigation.
leon said he wanted to bravely try the other warmer hues.
YELLOW is inaccessible completely, it's not even whitespace, just a total blur
AMBER is also blurry. slight resonances, tied to Genesis who is the "main" for it technically. but unformed too.
ORANGE is totally inaccessible
VERMILION is the marywood music building???? not surprised but WOW. lynne got called in! she was so surprised to see not only the realm but this whole gang of us visiting, haha. gave everyone a hug. she said she'd shift us over to BROWN because she "was used to going there with spine."
BROWN is, inexplicably, like our dad's parent's old house. same vibe. indoors, old wood, aged, quiet. fascinating. i know other things vibe strongly with brown-- notably coffeeshops-- but that didn't register as the main realm aesthetic? why so? gotta investigate the definitions.
briefly tried to visit "SPRUCE" or whatever is forming between green & aqua. sheer evergreen right now. leon laughed "just as i expected"

did NOT go near any achrome realms because those are literally dangerous to visit.
also not wanting to risk accidentally unfreezing those negative nousfoni from earlier
no archivist-space either. WONDERING about that. ARE there "gold" and "silver" AND "copper" realms??? and wtf is up with grayspace now that sherlock died??? gotta look into ALL of this, i'm actually really excited, like my life is coming back with all the hues

went back to indigo briefly. leon sat down on the doorstep by his church, half indoors half outdoors, said he felt so "at home" here.
at some point he commented on my holding red??? i think before the whole warping thing; we were alone.
we were worried about jezebel's threat. then leon said, maybe there's legitimacy to that? because he pointed out, right now i'm making laurie's mistake. i'm holding EVERYTHING about red, good and bad, whether i realize it or not, BECAUSE i'm the only one. blood and strawberries and roses and even jezebel's threat of slinky red dresses. too many conflicting vibes. no expanded or nuanced definitions, except for BLOOD, and so EVERY "red" nousfoni is getting shoved in THERE??? which is kinda scary because ALL bloods are basically WEAPONIZED. it's a retributor realm. so any potential RED who ISN'T of that vibe WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO EXIST??? because i'm holding EVERYTHING in myself for some reason. me and jewel, arugably. it was severely hampering the hue expression AND screwing with my psyche. maybe there should be actively negative RED nousfoni so we can DEAL with those aspects and manage them??? instead of it all being shunted over to me? wondering about that
leon said he "needs more indigos" in any case. the vibe is SOLID in the league but there are few nousfoni with it? strange. have to reflect on this more

god i miss headspace events so much. i felt so ALIVE and REAL.
how did we go for years without this??? no wonder we felt dead.

finally ate breakfast god bless we were getting dizzy
hate that. want to keep fasting and meditating. but body needs fuel especially after last night

Talking to Mimic & Phlegmoni about 1 Peter 5:6-7 

Xenophon "yelled at me" over breakfast with the tea spilling and dissociative-compulsive behavior
She felt so bad, crying & apologized.
Me, Chaos 0 & Laurie all had to reassure her it was OK, she was actually proving how much she loved us & wanted us to do well BY being brave & concerned enough to call me out on what she saw as unhealthy or unsmart behavior. Genuinely thanked her for that. 

xenophon LAUGHING SO MUCH over the fortune cookie "learn chinese" trio today. we got "see a doctor," then "headache", then... "beer." plugged this all into google translate
"医生说你头痛是因为你喝了太多啤酒。"
 honestly we were in stitches. i don't think i've laughed that hard in months.
 
4pm got on bike
Said divine mercy chaplet AND a glorious mystery rosary using our phone images for meditation; worked FLAWLESSLY.
some of the images are so, so moving. i want to type about them; remind me.
took 30m almost exactly.
then decided to spend the next 90m watching that "penitent man" movie for the heck of it.
well.
i'm glad we watched it before i went to bed because when it ended i was SEETHING AND MISERABLE.
movie was nothing special. predictable plot, mostly dialogue shots.
REALLY upsetting and disappointing "jesus wasn't divine" garbage shock-value bit. expected this what with the hindu/buddhist imagery everywhere. pissed me off.
BUT this ironically proved how jesus is divine irl because the guy said, without religion, humanity became absolutely lost and depraved. "when you put the power of god into a person's hands, they stop believing in anything but themselves." basically. hit hard.
MAJOR dialogue bit on the importance of love as like the SOLE OPPOSING FACTOR to this depravity, and how "relationships require constant attention" and if you aren't "giving enough of yourself" they WILL COLLAPSE. so relevant to our collective life lately. guy talking teared up then, about how his wife said "she didn't love him anymore" (i hate that phrase, it's so cruel and callous and twisted, that's NOT HOW LOVE WORKS) and left him because he hadn't been spending time with her or talking with her. so despite her response, really she was reacting to his actions that were starving her of love to begin with. so in a way, yeah, her response made sense. her heart had become cold and hard because he stopped sharing any warmth. and he didn't realize that until it was too late. he forgot to kiss her one day and then couldn't remember when he had last kissed her at all. heartbreaking. that show of emotion was the ONLY time he really opened up and it slammed into me like a truck.
also huge emphasis on "money as the root of all evil" with this movie which was so so so depressing but still. a vital warning.

but. the frickin WOMAN.
i regret to inform everyone that i apparently STILL have a HELLTON of VIOLENT TRAUMA-BASED MISOGYNY.
like i am legit terrified of women. TERRIFIED. especially white women, almost exclusively so actually. they scare me on some gut-deep level, especially their presentation-- their shape, the horrible soft and roundness, that traumatic smell, the faces they make, the crackly squeaky voices, their "baby obsession," the identical hairstyles and facial expressions. yes i know this is ugly ugly talk but darn it i am trying VERY hard to confess all my garbage and i haven't felt THIS much vitriol since SALT LAKE CITY. i am genuinely shocked it never came up in nc. probably because poor mel was closeted trans, and presenting as overtly feminine at times, while tbas was NOT feminine at ALL, thank God, I doubt I could have survived otherwise. but even though i legit loved mel and still do, it was, and apparently still is, the features of femininity that i have a kneejerk problem with. even in effeminate men. something in me actually HATES it, and I am frightened to admit that. not dislike, not disgust, not loathing even. HATRED. absolute maniacal rage-burning HATE. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT.
it's terrifying. WHY DO I FEEL THIS. it's like... it's dehumanizing. i had to cover the screen with my hand EVERY time the guy's wife showed up because some sick part of my psyche wanted to literally throttle her. and why? because of the FACES she kept making and the way she talked and that feminine skin. i kept hyperfocusing my furor on that. it's clearly a trauma response. if there is one thing that will INSTANTLY turn me into a lethiferous maniac it's a notably female body. i am so scared of them. i think i even HATE them. god forgive me but if i so much as see a woman's hand in an online photo, all soft and rounded, or see their facial texture on a movie closeup, and i remember what that texture feels like and smells like i will want to take a freaking KNIFE TO THE SCREEN. i am so sorry but it's true. i lose all sense of decency and mercy and even empathy. i forget that's a person. all i see is DANGER, DANGER, HORROR, EVIL, DISGUSTING, EVIL, GET IT AWAY, GET RID OF IT FOREVER, HATE HATE HATE DANGER FRIGHTENED DESTROY. absolutely hysterical. but it all translates into violence. sheer bestial ferocity. terrifying to admit but true. and yet none of it is personal. the hatred has nothing to do with them as a person because i can't see the person. heck i might even LOVE the person. but when i'm this unhinged and scared, all i see are those physical qualities and patterns that KEEP HAPPENING it's like a VIRUS. i'm talking about THIS AND THIS. a deeper, better part of me can and does love all those girls-- as friends, as daughters, as sisters, as beloveds, even. the REAL part of me DOESN'T DISLIKE FEMININITY AT ALL. but. today I am realizing that there is a shallow and seething part of me, some awful inhuman cancer, that reacts to those poor girls and women with this such inexplicably livid rage i want to rip something apart with my TEETH. i'm so freaking ANGRY. but WHY???? why in heaven's name do white women, ESPECIALLY the "sorority girl" look, make me want to DESTROY SOMETHING. the same mouthy smile. the same long blonde hair. the same silly poses. the same incomprehensible facial expressions WHAT ARE THEY EVEN EXPRESSING it makes NO SENSE it's just INFURIATING, is that because i feel so confused and threatened by it??? even with different body shapes and sizes there's still something absolutely frightening about women to me. ESPECIALLY teen girls. they scare the life out of me. part of me almost wants to (defensively?) hate them. it's terrifying. and i don't know why. it's all how they look. all how they sound. they are all the wrong shapes and textures and smells and they are literal walking nightmares to me. put me in a room with a bunch of girls and i will either scream and try to break the door down or i will start breaking teeth. it's inevitable. it's driving me insane.
and mothers are WORSE, God forgive me, just like that poor woman in the movie. when they have babies it's like i'm being trapped in hell because NOW the scary bits of all females have been EXAGGERATED in the silent scream of "THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET AN INFANT AND I'M GOING TO EXPLICITLY FORCE YOU TO REMEMBER IT." and as a result i am legit TERRIFIED of infants too, moreso than women, but for the exact same awful reasons. all the wrong shapes and smells and sounds. i see one and i am honestly terrified. WHY. 
is it just the trauma? is it all the trauma? when i see a pr****nt woman i want to run and possibly gouge my own eyes out just to feel the relief of pain and blood. i need to cauterize my brain. i go into a mad red frenzy. burn it out. cut it out. bleed it out. get it out. get it away from me, forever, get it away from me, i can't exist in the same space as THAT.
good lord. i'm a bloody mess.
how the heck do i bring this up in therapy
it's been OVER TEN YEARS since i first admitted this awful vice and this is STILL JUST AS BRUTAL AS EVER.
and i hate it. i hate it so much. it's like being possessed. maybe that's literally what this is, god help me

i feel so sick and weird. i don't want to be like this.
but it's so instinctual. it's a knee-jerk response. pure acid, the instant i so much as see them, but it's all fueled by fear. i'm afraid of them. they are walking threats to me. getting near one scares me to death because the sheer thought of a girl bumping into me by accident is enough to have me screaming and clawing at my arms until they bleed. it has happened before. my poor mom knows it. it's at the point where she's afraid to even hug me lest she set off a meltdown or shutdown. no mother should have to go through that with their own child. but there it is. it's happened too many times. i can't seem to shut it off. i am so sorry.
and of course, this gender dysphoria nightmare.
literally an inescapable hell since inpatient
i hate this body now. i hate it so much i cry over it all the time. i wish i were dead almost every time i see a mirror. where are all my edges, my angles, my sharp points? where are the safe and beautiful bones? the squared-off corners? now there are too many bloody curves, too many scary soft places and i want to take razor's x-acto knife to ALL OF IT. i want to starve and throw up and watch it shrink again, empty and pure, god i want to be safe again i don't know what to do.
need to eat less. exercise more. burn off all this demonic weight
and hormones. i swear i need to start hormones again. drop the voice more. get more facial hair. change the body shape. look like how i feel. like how i am, inside. not like this. not like this horrific feminine beast in the mirror. literally about to have a panic attack just thinking about it. trapped trapped trapped DOOMED

...it's worse than it ever was now.
i just frantically got out my jmc photo album and looked at her, those snapshots from 2009, she's still so young but now i can see that she's a girl and i'm scared. WHY. WHY HER, WHY NOW, SHE WAS ALWAYS SAFE BEFORE,
why is the trauma this bad now
and yet. and yet i still choose to love her. this dogged determination. i have to.

how much of this is externalized dysphoria
how much of this is internalized homophobia
how much of this is exploded trauma

all of it.
every single bloody abuser in my life has been FEMININE in one way or another
AND YET, since childhood i cannot deny that I STILL "LIKE GIRLS"??? like i'm the idiot who will walk past some gorgeous chick in a store or at church even, double-take and turn around and go "geez she's gorgeous" and yet i can't watch a movie with a woman in it without having a panic attack and wanting to punch through the screen??? what gives? 
i still pray for a "girlfriend" too. honestly i do. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, if one of "those girls" is able and willing to actually love me then i won't be frightened anymore. it would break the pattern. i'd be like the fox and the color of the wheat. my heart would change. god i hope. please i mean it send me someone. you know i'm capable of love even with this. even with this.
wondering if it needs to start inside like most things because YEAH, THAT'S WHY WE HAVE LIKE NO FEMALE OUTSPACERS, and the ones that do manage to stick around are not human at ALL.
galadia is so important in this regard. in canon sneaslers have a body shape that scares us. it's those horrible rounded hips. but SOMETIMES people draw her ALL LINES & EDGES and that's what caught us, honestly so much is about proportion for us, too. always that fear of something being "too apparently feminine." it's exhausting. also for sneasler the long limbs + fur sets off so many phobias, it's honestly a miracle that she's in our system at all. but she is. i guess i'm trying to say, there's hope ?
ALSO. thinking about this whole mess of a situation it's OBVIOUSLY why we couldn't "get" lillymon to be an outspacer. she's too obviously a girl. there were no links, no resonances, nothing that could connect to her... at least, in the old art. in tri she looks more alien, with sharp teeth & a slightly different silhouette, but still. the body shape. the "long hair." the dress. it immediately makes us panic and that cannot be "forced past." THAT'S HOW ABUSE HAPPENED. we don't want to repeat that in headspace for heaven's sakes.
in any case that whole thing was a farce. COMPLETELY obligatory and self-abusive. literally picking some random 'mon and saying "what if we made them an outspacer just to have a green person and a girl" IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY YOU SHALLOW MORON.
you can't "pick" who you resonate with. you can't "pick" who you end up actually falling in love with, no matter what "level" it is. platonic or familial or romantic or whatever. it happens and it CANNOT BE FORCED OR FAKED. EVER.

one last note. our "female" nousfoni aren't female. if they use she/her pronouns they still aren't "girls." this is a CONSTANT.
i should make a list. but just think: algorith, razor, wreckage, laurie, all considered "she/her" but not feminine at all. which is GOOD. even lynne is losing some of the apparent details which is making her safe. julie exists in a weird zone where she's apparently female BUT she doesn't set off all the alarms??? gonna have to note why. there are some subtle but key things she's lacking apparently. nevertheless, yes, we are scared of her figure and THAT WAS ALWAYS PART OF HER FUNCTION. same with infinitii. the only reason ze has those hips is because ze's supposed to be terrifying.
nevertheless we are strongly considering "inventing" pronouns and "genders" for ourselves up here because we DO NOT match the human binary AT ALL, and it's therefore actually dishonest to even speak as if it were so. which it isn't.
it'll take so much fear and stress out of the atmosphere too. no more false associations and triggers and function corruption.

anyway. can't talk any more about this. wrecking me emotionally & mentally.

...
we tried to find something nice on tubi to watch afterwards but made the mistake of looking in anime
and every female we saw was either infantile, hypersexual, or a demonic mix of BOTH
made us so angry and upset we almost got suicidal. don't want to live in this world

mom called, she was coming up to give us food she made and we had to leave the car off at the garage? to fix the tires (it's her car, we're just borrowing it)
couldn't find any music to play on the way up. looking at recent spotify likes. genesis pointed out this one from the new pinocchio movie? which we want to see but can't because netflix is satanic and we refuse to get it. but the song is "better tomorrows." it matches him a lot; different side of him than we usually see but it's very him. warmer amber. he was singing it to me in headspace, bringing xenophon in too. she was delighted. i gotta admit he got a real smile out of me. it meant so much, this sudden sincere effort to console me. i love him a lot. i really do.
anyway the car switch & drive was over and done fast, mom wasn't even paying attention the whole time, just listening to talking books and making phone calls. we tried not to listen, no offense to her but her books are often very triggering. could be topic, the reader voice, both. we're so exhausted and tired of media. hate it so much. even kid's stuff is corrupt now.
got back to the apartment for 7pm. super late to be finally eating dinner. our head was spinning
unfortunately mom sent up fish. biggest trauma trigger food
the girls TRIED to eat it. couldn't. profoundly disturbing.
ended up purging immediately. threw out the rest, all of it. threw that immediately in the garbage chute so we'd be "safe." whole process took less than 10 minutes and NO bingeing. still shook us up terribly

dinner was fine. i was hard dissociated though. couldn't focus, couldn't read bible, couldn't taste anything. mind a blur. too shaken from everything
still shared fortune cookies and egg-muffin with xenophon. did i mention she "doesn't like mushy foods?" like oatmeal or yogurt. she likes things that are crunchy and "bitey." but she's fine with eggs? said they aren't mushy they're "wiggly." you still have to bite them. she's so weird and adorable i love her so much

after dinner cleaned up immediately. with no sun chips to eat the girls are silent, not even senseable. no triggers. interesting to note that. that manic girl still tries to cheat with raisins but xenophon calls me back in and puts a stop to it. considering removing them all from the house anyway. we don't eat them anymore now that we're stabiizing and they hurt our teeth anyway.
craving carrots a lot. i think it's just the hard crunch. we store stress in our teeth. explains a lot of binge behavior. just want to bite and destroy. we have to be careful. need better outlet, need better anger management, need to deal with this hellish trauma in the first place


i am so tired and nauseous and sick. literally no capacity left to type; gonna go sleep it off.



prismaticbleed: (Default)
 

LAST UPDATED:
021822

------‐-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(only include Nousfoni I have ACTIVELY seen alive AND/OR interacted with, after the "system failure" of 2018?)

⭐The REASON why the innerworld kept collapsing is because ANYTHING NOT BUILT ON CHRIST WILL INEVITABLY BE DESTROYED, often by itself!!!
So if something is gone, GOOD RIDDANCE! Let it go!!

"REALMS" rename?
RELICS per color, mysteries of the Rosary, sacramentals, etc.?
PALM, OLIVE, CEDAR, CYPRESS

Colors CORRESPOND TO CHRIST & HIS CHURCH!!!
⭐SOLID DISTINCTION between LIGHT & PIGMENT! BUT there CAN be pigmented nousfoni OF Spectral hues?? Like the Retributors who are still RED?

FRUITS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT???

TYPE THROUGH YOUR ANGER ISSUES KIDDO.
FIND THE ROOTS SO WE CAN TRANSMUTE THE PLANTS!!

⭐https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2123163/jewish/The-Beast-Within.htm

------‐------------------------------------------------------------------------


RED (LIGHT)
PRECIOUS BLOOD
THERE IS A CONVENT!!!

ASSOCIATIONS:
Blood

SCENTS:
Cinnamon, blood

REALM:
Currently a neon-lit night city; empty and on the outskirts-- allegedly the center is a collapeed ruin? Nier vibes there. General retrowave punky vibes. Sky is a red grid over black.

MEMBERS:
• SCALPEL
• RAZOR
• BATTA

VERMILION (PIGMENT)
THE SCOURGING???

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Hearth & home, hearty laughter, fireplaces

SCENTS:
Spiced rum, autumn leaves,

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• ALGORITH
• PHLEGMONI
• "MANTIS"

ORANGE (LIGHT)
???

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Going out with friends, sunny laughter,

SCENTS:
Oranges,

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• LYNNE???

AMBER (PIGMENT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Confident amicability,

SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• GENESIS

YELLOW (LIGHT)
The Resurrection???

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Laughing children, playfulness,

SCENTS:
Lemons, pineapple,
Daffodils? Daisies?

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

LIME (PIGMENT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:


SCENTS:
Limes, fresh cut grass, fields in summer

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• CELEBI


GREEN (LIGHT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:
Forests

VIBE:
Calmness,

SCENTS:
Forests

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

AQUA (PIGMENT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Reflectiveness with a touch of sorrow,

SCENTS:
Sea water

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• CHAOS ZERO

CYAN (HIDDEN)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

BLUE (LIGHT)
MARY!!!!

ASSOCIATIONS:
Computers,

VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

SAPPHIRE (PIGMENT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

INDIGO (LIGHT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:
Snow, churches,

VIBE:
Solemn introspection,

SCENTS:
Incense

REALM:
Prague at dawn? Snowy, overcast, but bright. Old architecture.

MEMBERS:
• Leon

VIOLET (LIGHT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Holy purposefulness?

SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• Laurie?

PURPLE (PIGMENT)
THE PURPLE CLOAK
LENT

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

PINK (HIDDEN)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:
Floral sweetness, roses,


VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• JULIE
• KNIFE

CERISE (PIGMENT)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:
Sensuality,

VIBE:


SCENTS:
Raspberries, 'sugared' tones,

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

BROWN (HIDDEN)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:


SCENTS:
Wood, coffee, dirt,

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• SPICE

BLACK (HIDDEN)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Gravity,

SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• INFINITII
• SHARONA

GRAY (HIDDEN)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Business, formality

SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .

WHITE (HIDDEN)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:
Prisms,

VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• .


GOLD (METALLIC)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:


SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• SHIRLEY

SILVER (METALLIC)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:


VIBE:
Cool yet kind,

SCENTS:


REALM:


MEMBERS:
• SIRIUS

COPPER (METALLIC)
...

ASSOCIATIONS:
Pennies,

VIBE:


SCENTS:
Copper,

REALM:


MEMBERS:
• PENNY





https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Improvised_weapon#Examples

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lists_of_weapons

https://www.kageninjagear.com/ninja-weapon-cat-hands/





------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

COREGROUP SPECTRUM???

BECAUSE IT REALLY SHOULD ADHERE TO THAT!!!

⭐DOUBLES ON COLORS RELATING TO SPECIES???


RED =

VERMILION = PHLEGMONI

ORANGE =

AMBER = GENESIS

YELLOW =

LIME = CELEBI

GREEN = JENA???

AQUA = CHAOS ZERO

CYAN = DORI???

BLUE = RYOU?

INDIGO = MARKUS?

VIOLET = LAURIE

PURPLE = TOSHI???

PINK =

CERISE = VENTRIUM???

GRAY = GLEAM???

BLACK = INFI??

WHITE = JESUS (PRISM)

BROWN = 

blue vibe

Apr. 3rd, 2021 10:00 pm
prismaticbleed: (rosewindow)



The BLUE realms have always been, inexplicably, electronic. Even in the rebirth, this remains. It’s a liminal feeling, an in-between, a tangible gate between the world and the imagination. The blue glow of technology has always been a herald of crossed veils. Time flows differently here, bubbled. Night is transformed into endless space, living dreams, traversed thoughts. BLUE is a beckoning into other worlds, inner worlds.

We have not yet explored the powerful presence of electricity here, of plugs and power cables, outlets and other things. This, too, will open more doors, as electricity is inherently connective. BLUE connects in a unique way. This is its special power. There is a great childlike wonderful love at its heart.

red vibe

Apr. 3rd, 2021 09:52 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


The RED realms seem to have this inherently apocalyptic vibe, post-massacre. It stuck hard. But this image gives hope. Although still red with bloody glow, existentially disturbing in its unnatural hue, the sky above is shot through with stars… and grids. Those grids somehow complement the “end of the world” aesthetic while adding an unexpected feeling of consolation, of hope. The grids are the bone structure of reality, the framework of the world. They are the beginning, and the stripped-down revelation of the end, when all else burns and collapses. In the end of it all it never really ends. And maybe that’s the secret heart of RED– the truth of blood itself, of life and death intertwined. There is something greater, and we are the closest to it in birth and the grave. When we feel we are about to die, we can reach out and touch it. Isn’t it strange, so terrifying and yet beautiful? I love it dearly.

It’s always been my heart-color. I don’t understand it. It is a frightening color. But I will love it, inevitably, until I die too.
prismaticbleed: (Default)


OCT 18

[Today] we went to a concert at our old university. We brought our voice recorder on a whim, and something told us to hit ‘record’ when [the] final song began to play.
…When I first heard those harp harmonics, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I just lit up. That sound feels like me and I don’t know how to explain it.

----------------------------------------------

AUG 19TH



 

notsofancyphotos:

Holy Name Cathedral, Chicago

#personal aesthetic #stained glass #oh god my heart #this resonates so powerfully with us as a whole #with both the childhood feelings of religious and mysticism and our current headspace-rooted faith vibe #i adore this #holy name cathedral #chicago #i want to live here #places to visit #innerworld #cathedral #colorful #light

---------------------------------------

AUG 15?

Mesita has a new album out and I couldn’t be happier about it. 

His albums always seem to drop at the most relevant times in my life, right when I need them. 

#mesita #bandcamp #music #i love this kid's music SO MUCH #he inspires me immensely #i want to be able to write tunes like this one day #with love from laniakea #♥

--------------------------------------------------

AUG 15

❝ And I want health. By health I mean the power to live a full, adult, living, breathing life in close contact with what I love — the earth and the wonders thereof — the sea — the sun. All that we mean when we speak of the external world. A want to enter into it, to be part of it, to live in it, to learn from it, to lose all that is superficial and acquired in me and to become a conscious direct human being. I want, by understanding myself, to understand others. I want to be all that I am capable of becoming so that I may be (and here I have stopped and waited and waited and it’s no good — there’s only one phrase that will do) a child of the sun. About helping others, about carrying a light and so on, it seems false to say a single word. Let it be at that. A child of the sun. ❞

- Katherine Mansfield, from a journal entry



#THIS #words to live by #god this just SPEAKS to my heart #i'm actually crying #i love this so much #this is EXACTLY what i've been talking about for MONTHS if not more #it is the most fervent desire of my soul currently #i want us all to be able to break through this fog of pain and depression and cold #and i want us to LIVE #i want us to be healthy and free and ALIVE for this very purpose #for OTHERS #for LOVE #and to be LIGHT #always and everywhere #i need to print this out and tape it to our workspace #remember this #this is so important to me #quote #katherine mansfield


----------------------------------------------

AUG 15



#whoa #personal aesthetic #me and infi #this is GORGEOUS #sparkles #I want to eat this

----------------------------------------------

AUG 15


nevver:

Teamlab immersions, Tokyo

celestriakle: @lotusglitter

#tagged #light #personal aesthetic #this makes my heart sing #art #i adore this #innerlife #i cannot describe how this makes me feel

----------------------------

AUG 15

❝ Even now, all possible feelings do not yet exist. There are those that lie just beyond our capacity and our imagination. From time to time, when a piece of music no one has ever written, or a painting no one has ever painted, or something else impossible to predict, fathom, or yet describe takes place, a new feeling enters the world. And then, for the millionth time in the history of feeling, the heart surges, and absorbs the impact. ❞

- Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

#this #this is incredibly important #as a creative individual this means worlds to me #it lights a spark instantly #it's sheer joy and wonder #if we ever need motivation #read this to us #I need to remember this #quote #nicole krauss #favorite #creativity #i love this so much #i cannot describe how this makes me feel

--------------------------------

AUG 15


tiinatormanenphotography:


 Merry christmas ~ Hyvää Joulua  // Dec 2015, Taivalkoski, Finland. 

#oh wow #snow #stars #laurie this is like... your realm fused with mine #this is gorgeous #places to dream about #personal aesthetic


------------------------------------------------------

AUG 14


 

spencerofspace:

Painting WIP

#me and infi #i adore this #there is a sort of deep reassurance in this #i need that so much right now #personal aesthetic #hope #this is one of those pictures that contains thousands of words within itself #but not a single word can express what it makes me feel

------------------------------------------



JULY 8TH

"We all have that one character we’re in too deep for."

#chaos zero #no such thing as 'too deep' darling

"have you ever loved a character so much you were like ?????? ? ? ??!??!?!! ! ! !?? ??? how did this happen??? ?? ? ?!???! !!?!??!?!?"

#CHAOS THIS IS FOR YOU #IT IS THE MORNING AFTER JULY 7TH YOU KNOW #CELEBI YOU TOO BABE #AND ALL YOU LEAGUEWORLD FOLKS #you all know who you are #i love you all very very much

------------------------------------

JULY 8TH



thisisnojay:

conclusions of our talk

#me #art #iridescent #personal aesthetic #god i miss this feeling so much #it's utter joy #this is the stuff i need to remember and incorporate back into my life asap

------------------------------------------

JULY 8TH

Reblog if Pokemon has made a huge, positive impact on your life and who you are as a person

sg-lbc:

I literally know every single important person in my life either directly or indirectly because of Pokemon, there was a point in my life where my closest friend who brought me the most comfort and kept me going was a Suicune, and I literally cannot imagine vaguely the direction of the person I would be without this series in my life.

Pokemon has affected me more profoundly than anything else in my life. It was my largest source of imaginative inspiration as a child, it was my haven of friendship when I had no one else in the world, it was a dream come true that I could hold in my small hands. 
The anime and movies taught me so many good lessons (they both still do, new and old), and even in collecting the cards I can remember so many moments of sheer joy and wonder.
I wrote stories about Pokemon, I drew comics about them, I constantly imagined seeing them in my everyday life. I even imagined being one, and that was such a source of strength and hope for me. Without Pokemon, I cannot imagine how my creative talents would have developed, because it became the root of everything at that age.
The games, though, were like a second life to me. I didn’t just play them, I immersed myself in them to the point where they became rich narratives, epic adventures with purpose woven into every button press. I even considered my Pokemon teams a second family, as I bonded so deeply and affectionately with them all. Celebi holds this honor the most strongly; she became my beloved best friend and muse in 2001 and I still love her with my whole heart. 

Every moment I’ve shared with Pokemon since 1999 has been full of love, no matter how difficult the path may have been to get there.
Pokemon has made me a better person, and I do not say that lightly. I will be a Trainer until the day I die, and I will never stop smiling over that in the meantime.

#pokemon #i adore pokemon you guys #i honestly cannot put into words how much it means to me #god bless this series #jay talks #jewel too for the record #pokemon is effectively so deeply rooted in our psyche that when we talk about it we talk FROM that sort of collective 'ancestral' experience #whoever we are at the deepest part #that person is a pokemon trainer #and we're counting the days until sun and moon #here's to the next adventure

--------------------------------------------

JUNE 28?
 

❝White is a colour. It is not a mere absence of colour; it is a shining and affirmative thing, as fierce as red, as definite as black … And one of the two or three defiant verities of real Christianity is exactly this same thing; the chief assertion of religious morality is that white is a colour.

Virtue is not the absence of vices or the avoidance of moral dangers; virtue is a vivid and separate thing, like pain or a particular smell.

Mercy does not mean not being cruel or sparing people revenge or punishment; it means a plain and positive thing like the sun, which one has either seen or not seen.

Chastity does not mean abstention from sexual wrong; it means something flaming, like Joan of Arc.

In a word, God paints in many colours, but he never paints so gorgeously, I had almost said so gaudily, as when He paints in white.

- G.K. Chesterton, Tremendous Trifles

#me #this is so important to me #i adore this #I need to remember this #headspace

---------------------------------------

JUN 20?

❝ Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. ❞

- Rumi

#words to live by #rumi #quote #i love this so much

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JUN 13?

...I apologize to have to [mention this] here but I am very low on money this month.

I am unemployed due to severe mental illness, and my disability check this month went straight for legal expenses & rent. 
I spent my entire Friday in the E.R. as I’m not eating properly and I’d like to avoid that, so honestly if you can even throw $2 my way that’s a lifesaver in a pinch.

I can’t open art commissions right now as I have no strength to scrape together for it at the moment. If that changes I will let you know.
Normally I'm fine with [not having food] but when my health is suffering I start to worry...


----------------------------------------

MAY 9TH?

Song of the night.

This track has been helping me cope lately, which I desperately need. It’s deeply soothing.
I wanted to share it with you tonight, so here you are.


------------------------------------

MAY 5


 

beng-art: We wont destroy you - 45cm x 45cm - Oil on stretched canvas

#art #floating voices #this is both a good and a horrible thing #feeling this a lot lately #when it's bad it's awful #when it's good it's heavenly #but either way this picture brings tears to my eyes #it's an odd feeling

----------------------------------

MAY 5



#LIFE LATELY #the lost ones #really though this would probably help immensely #we haven't done a face-to-face talk with those girls in too long #let alone in something as direct as a mirror #nathaniel remind me to try this with them it could work #i do love you lost ones i am just very upset with the damaging cycles you're trapped in #it's going to take a LOT of courage and it WILL be scary at first #breaking addictions always feels terrifying in the first steps #but you can do it. #we can do it together #you are never alone #we care about you and want you to be healthy too #okay? #so stop spending money like this #the joy you seek is not to be found there #the comfort you seek cannot be bought like that #take heart and be brave #try something new #we'll help you.

-----------------------------------

----------------------------------------

MAY 1


 

alioquii  YOU ARE ROARING SEAS AND THE GILDED SUN

#we need this tonight more than ever #happy easter #this is so relevant it hurts #water #light #words #remember this #profoundly significant

--------------------------------------


MAY 1?


goasthed: they’ve turned into halos

#hope #relevant tonight #blood #halos #art #jay this feels so much like you

--------------------------------------

APRIL 7TH?




#this feels SO MUCH like me #me #innerlife #it also feels incredibly significant #like a future i need to bring into the present #something i need to do

-------------------------------------

APR 7TH



artruby:

Jem Goulding, Never Seeing the Sky II, at STATION Gallery. 

#ohhh wow #me #art #personal aesthetic #i cannot describe how this makes me feel


--------------------------

APR 7TH

linxsay:

alright so who wants to fall in love with me

...this is unbelievable I have to do everything myself
#TAGGING THE ENTIRE SYSTEM #favorite #humor

commovente:

when people are so moved that they don’t know what to say they just touch their heart and touch their heart over and over again 

#i adore this #so much #gpoy


---------------------------------------------------------

FEB 12

…So apparently my two defining personal songs line up shockingly well.

#me #music #frost* #punch brothers #this means so much to me #innerlife #it gets even BETTER #if you sync the middle segments that i love #THEY LINE UP TOO #both key and tempo #and the lyrics mesh so well it aches #it's all just a shot straight to my heart and i'm speechless from how it makes me feel personally #honestly i cannot put into words how much i adore this 

--------------------------

FEB 12?
 
❝ It is dark before the dawn but the dawn never fails. Trust in the dawn. ❞

- Florence Scovel Shinn

#i adore this #hope #quote #i want to embody this sentiment
 

❝ There is beauty, heartbreaking beauty, everywhere. ❞

- Edward Abbey

#my life #god i feel this down to my very atoms


--------------------

FEB 12

Song of the night.

The sheer amount of technical skill in this performance is astounding.

#punch brothers #music #song of the night #new york city #i adore this band so much #the intricacy of their work and the FLAWLESS execution of it blows my mind #youtube #video #if i could eat sound i could live off their tunes #that confetti-shimmer sound of the strums is one of my favorite synaesthetic things

-------------------



#note to self #optimism #colors #innerlife #to the system with love

-----------------------

FEB 12?


 

djangeloxd:

Ramiel

#gpoy #i feel this SO MUCH #i'm always trying to describe how i ideally take up space/ shift in a room and THIS IS IT #infinitely recurring geometric planes or what have you 

-------------------------------------------------

FEB 7?

ahnaliese: does anyone else ever like…. partially dissociate? like there’s a little part of you that is just not there but the rest of you is like “come back to the body, bud, we have stuff to do

#this exact situation happens with us actually #what with the centralites always watching #especially laurie #ironically though the problem is that a little part of us is fronting dissociatedly BUT the vast majority of us are locked out but lucid #such is life with a dissociative condition i suppose #text

-----------------------------------

FEB 7?

"We shall go warm. We shall go on by the light of our hearts. We shall burn mightily in the new year. We shall go on together—"

- May Sarton, from the poem “Greeting”

 #oh god i love this #poetry #hope #this has me almost in tears #to the entire system with all my love forever

---------------------------------

FEB 5?


SO GUESS WHO I SAW IN CONCERT TONIGHT (AGAIN)  ❤

#TODD RUNDGREN #FAVORITE MUSICIAN #i grew up with his stuff and it still inspires me constantly #god bless this man #the concert was BRILLIANT btw

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FEB 5?


melodyandviolence:

January Morning - St. Petersburg by  Ed Gordeev

We had a sunset like this today– the whole sky was flooded tangerine against banks of indigo clouds, contrasted with hot pink underglow. I’ve never seen sunlight spread so far and saturated across the sky. As it dimmed the whole sky turned a smoldering coral hue and the mountains below were such a rich violet it was unreal.
It was probably the most gorgeous sunset I’ve ever seen.

-------------------------------

FEB 5?
 

lifeinpoetry:

Snow had fallen. I remember
music from an open window.

Come to me, said the world.

—-Louise Glück, from “October,” Averno: Poems

#oh god my heart #literally me in a poem #honestly i cannot put into words how much i adore this

----------------------------------

 

FEB 5?

grickgrack:

💎 by 2muchdog http://ift.tt/23jKgsa

#ohhh wow #personal aesthetic #i really love this #me and infi #crystals #light #art #gpoy

-----------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?


premoschphoto:

Brendon Urie of Panic! @ the Disco 4 BuzzFeed 

#colorful #humans #gpoy #this looks & feels SO MUCH like us physically


-------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?

Song of the night.

Dedicating this one to our entire System, with hope and love.

 

We are on an endless flight, my friend
With no beginning and no end
I’ve forgotten more than I remember
Sometimes I want to hide myself away
But I know there’s no escape
We must go on, go on forever!

#Todd Rundgren #fade away #metropole orchestra #song of the night #youtube #music #video #live #stunning #i adore this man's music so much #this makes me tear up whenever i hear it #to the system with love

-------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?

So I just redecorated the workspace. 
It’s… the lights were one thing, I wanted those, and I moved the whole desk away from the wall so the space can breathe for once… but now, so can I. I feel safe in it now. I can actually get a creative spark in it now; it doesn’t feel cramped or shadowed or dull.

But opening up the space is one thing. The other thing is what’s in it.
…I haven’t had any of that art up on my wall in 3 years. And that art is… terribly dear to my heart.
Having it back up there means worlds to me. I feel alive now, seeing it, remembering who I am in light of it all, remembering the brightness that always was us. It’s a profound measure of hope and love and joy.

So yeah. I finally feel at home in my own room, and if that wasn’t great enough, it snowed like 12 inches outside so I’m basically in the best mood ever right now.

-------------------------------------------------

JAN 27TH?


 

thecurrentseala:

Canvas Spectrum. The Current Sea, 2016.

#ME #THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE #gif #rainbows #personal aesthetic #FAVORITE

-------------------------------------------------

JAN 27?


 

architectureland:

Sainte-Chapelle  -  a royal medieval Gothic chapel in Île-de-France, France. 

#i want to LIVE HERE #Sainte Chapelle #stained glass #innerlife #places to visit #holy places #colorful #favorite #this place is so gorgeous it drives me to tears #also we have a chapel JUST LIKE THAT in central city #go figure #i'm going to make it look like this inside #honestly i cannot put into words how much i adore this #if i were a building i would be this building #personal aesthetic


----------------------------------------

JAN 7TH
 

❝ Being a candle is not easy; in order to give light one must burn first. ❞

- Rumi

#the most relevant thing in the world lately #quote #innerlife

-----------------------

JAN 7?

revolutionariess:

characters that go through hell yet still believe in the goodness of humanity, still hope for the best despite everything, refuse to let darkness consume them because someone somewhere is always going to be good are literally my favourite, because they give me that little hope too

#me #words to live by #read this whenever you feel out-of-tune #this is you

-------------------------------

JAN 7TH



 #me and infi #this is my aesthetic when i hit poet mode #my vibe changes very much but it still keeps that white sparkling softness and light #I like this a lot #me

-----------------------

JAN 7TH

celestial-fruits:

Lily vs rainbow

#THAT RAINBOW #IS EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE #that sort of super-saturated splash of color #this makes me so happy

-------------------------------------------------

JAN 7TH


 

lesfressange89:

                                                     The High Altar

#holy places #this feels SO MUCH like headspace #white #gold #innerworld #personal aesthetic

--------------------------------

JAN 5
 

❝ You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars. ❞

- Robin Williams

#quote #music #i think about this a lot

--------------------------------

JAN 5



#i was going to give this post to julie but she said it feels more like me so #personal aesthetic #flowers
 


prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

  • "this too shall pass" = write about it. (esp. the old mindset of "I'm going to die no matter what I eat/ whether I eat or not/ etc." but tying into a more positively spiritual perspective of "therefore, why am I panicking over food?")
  • cover "love like you" on piano AND fl! (go back to the old piano performance stuff in general; we wrote SEVERAL important League pieces that way through sheer inspired improvisation)
  • START THAT COLOR BLOG.
  • go back upstairs and talk to people
  • look into the spectrums (all level) and define colors, find centralites, etc.
  • work on the color realms!! define them by vibe/ scenery/ weather/ time/ etc.
  • review old entries-- the good ones-- and print them
  • do calligraphy, esp. the "painting" style ones (islamic art influence?)
  • post conglomerate tumblr lj updates soon
  • make new lj icons?
  • more than anything, work on being complete and happy again!


★ "in terms of internal symbolic affairs, don't worry about the 'logic'!!"

★062607= "KNOW THYSELF" means… devote time each day to STUDYING yourself… ferreting our your WEAKNESS, working at SELF-IMPROVEMENT, purifying your IMMORTAL soul…! (Rabbi Yisrael Lipkin)

★go outdoors for at least an hour every day!! PLAY. have your own recess. (observe/experiment/sort stuff) BE A KID!!

★"morning pages"= write three pages of stream of consciousness every morning. use this also as a gauge to re-tune the paths your mind goes down. FOCUS ON UNHINDERED CREATIVITY, NOT SELF-CENTERED BANTER.

★start a daily sketchbook, no pressure or obligation. think childhood!!

★"instead of always reading to my kids, we take turns making up stories by 'giving' each other three things, like an airplane, a shovel, and a pair of pants, which we have to use in a story. sometimes we pretend our pets are having conversations, and use different voices and accents to express what they might be saying, given their circumstance at the time."

★"strewing"= casually yet strategically leaving invitations for learning and creativity out for people to discover on their own, i.e. a basket of blocks, a blank sketchpad, or some nature finds from a woods walk

★WEEKLY CREATIVE EXPEDITIONS-- choose a new place to aimlessly explore!! (a park, a bookstore, a pet shop, a museum, etc.) this sense of adventure naturally nurtures one's creative process

★"if you make art the center, insisting that kids be creative, they may feel a sense of pressure. if you make inspiration the center, it spills over into art."
★"every child and parent is creative. exercising our creativity is an act of faith." -julia cameron

 


-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@7:58 PM


ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS!!!!


"Will I suffer from this?"
"Will I throw this up?"
"Will this waste my time?"




TRICK QUESTIONS:

"Will this bring me closer to Christ?"
the answer will be YES because THE SUFFERING WILL PUSH YOU THERE.

"Will I regret this?"
the answer will be NO because YOU WILL LEARN FROM THE PAIN.


THE DEVIL WILL TRICK YOU INTO BAD THINGS



 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


DEC 27TH?

theijeoma:

I am aware of it, the very many ways to die. I am aware of the darkness but i am more aware of the light. I am aware of the falling but i am also aware of the flight. I have known the lows but i have tasted the highs. I am aware of the scars that run through my heart but i am also aware of the few souls who have held my heart and stitched me back. I know the many reasons to drag myself into despair but i know many other reasons to hold myself towards the light. The living is for those alive and i know we must believe in our souls to push forward. I believe in pushing forward and I believe in fighting for my life.

Yellow,
Ijeoma.

#me #i adore this #text #innerlife #this cuts straight to the heart #remember this #very relevant right now #to the system with love

-----------------------------

DEC 27TH?

  #gpoy #always relevant #a lot of people switched in and out today so this sentient was felt tenfold #you can make the body look as pretty as you want but its still just decoration #i dont hate it but it gets so claustrophobic sometimes

-----------------------------

OCTOBER 7TH


Whenever I get deeply depressed or hopeless, I set this as my computer background and just stare at it. 
The intensity of the color, the numinous silent grace of it, completely nullifies any dark mindstates in seconds– it entirely overtakes them, drowns them in luminosity. 
The simple fact that a place like this exists is enough to calm me down, really.

This is one of  the most beautiful little places in the world, I think– Sainte Chapelle, in Paris. One day I’ll stand within its walls and see this in person.

#sainte chapelle #stained glass #holy places #places to visit #i want to live here #personal aesthetic #i adore this #headspace inspiration #innerworld

---------------------------------

OCT 6


gorettmisstag:

Gustave Doré - Circle of Angels

#one of my favorite works of art #this gives me emotions i absolutely cannot articulate #art #angels #spirituality #gold

---------------------------------

OCTOBER 6TH




Cathedral Basilica of Saint Louis — 20 different artists covered 83,000 square feet with mosaics (41.5 million pieces of glass). Mosaics started in 1912 and were completed in 1988.


#i literally just started sobbing #this feels like home #favorite #architecture #holy places #cathedral #basilica #god this is gorgeous #home #innerworld #can i please print this out and wallpaper my entire living space with it #better yet can i please just live here #dear god #this plunged into my heart like a sword #that last image is ineffable

------------------------------------------------

OCT 6

❝ If you clean the floor with love, you have done an invisible painting. Live each moment in such delight that it gives you something inner. ❞

- Osho

#quote #words to live by #outerlife

------------------------------------

OCT 5

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)

- Walt Whitman

#story of our life #it's a curse and a blessing both #nevertheless i've always loved this quote #quote

---------------------------

OCT 5

write a poem for your fourteen year old self. forgive her. heal her. free her.

-Ijeoma Umebinyuo


#THIS #DO IT #this is probably one of the most important things we can do right now #if not THE most important thing #ALL OF OUR MOST DAMAGED PEOPLE FIT THIS LABEL #all the 'unaware hackers' are TEENAGE GIRLS. #that should tell you something #heal them #for god's sake they're allowed to be saved too #they deserve to be bright too #scrub them clean again #break those shackles that they don't even recognize they're wearing #let this ENTIRE system be luminous #i repeat #this is the most important thing #quote

-------------------------------

OCT 4


sixpenceee: The Cosmos

#laurie saw this and just went 'that is my vibe' so here you go #violet realms #realm inspiration #space

-----------------------------


SEPT 3

Guys. Laurie’s birthday is tomorrow, that means she’s been in our System for NINE YEARS. That’s amazing.

I really cannot imagine life without her. She’s been such a powerful, pervading force in our innerworld, everyone here has been affected by her presence, for the better. She honestly means the world to me.

I’ll definitely be writing something bigger about this for her later, but as for now, I just wanted to announce that here.

Laurie, you’re my knight and my best friend, you’ve always been there for me no matter how dark and lost I may feel, and I love you. You make me want to be a better person just by existing. Thank you, for all of that, and for everything else.

It goes without saying that I want you around for the rest of my life, but until that happens, here’s to the first nine years of yours. They’ve been priceless.

♦♦♦

------------------------------

AUG 27?

Oh my gosh I almost forgot today is julieenantios‘s birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART.

We’re all so, so glad to have you with us, as part of the Spectrum at long last. 4 years strong already, that’s amazing.

Really dear I hope today was lovely for you; in any case we’re all going to have to throw one of our famous last-minute nighttime celebrations together now. Consider yourself warned!

Here’s to the rest of your life. It is absolutely worth celebrating. ♥

---------------------------------------

AUGUST 18

i. You fight because it is the most intimate act you can think of, the way blood flows from one body and spills onto the other, the way your bones collapse on impact, a meteorite fist landing in your concave crater cheek.

ii. There are no skeletons in your closet–they’re stuffed into the confession booth beside the altar to which you have chained yourself, and they rattle and they shake like a warning when you feel yourself drifting too far. (You are unsure whether this is because you are pious or because god is something you can see without a working pair of eyes.)

iii.  Your memories are flame-licked and stained with blood, you’ve learned to read the wind and it whispers secrets into your ears. You know there is a pair of lips waiting to swallow you whole, heart and all; the shifts in the air tell you that you are gravitating in the wrong direction.

iv. There is a compass tattooed to your insides and still you are hopelessly lost. Heaven and Hell are warring inside you, always brutal, always merciless. If you fall, does it mean that you, too, were once an angel?

- manifesto for the unsung martyr // j.d.k.

#ohhhh my heart #poetry #innerlife #me #this is so relevant it hurts #FAVORITE #cardiophage

-------------------------

JULY 27?



Song of the night.

Here’s a live performance of a track from a musical that has become very beloved to our heart over the years– the one and only Razia’s Shadow.
I dream of one day seeing this live, so suddenly stumbling across a unique recording of such online has just made my night.

In other news this man is also after my own heart because look at him perform, I can’t stop grinning. That is what I do when I get wrapped up in song, except he turns it up to eleven, which honestly I want to be fearless enough to do as well. It’s really great to see someone so sincerely animated by the music– especially a piece that I also love.

#song of the night #music #razia's shadow #the missing piece #damon daunno #molly hager #I WANT TO BE THIS MAN #look at how he grabs his shirt at 1:13 that is precious #gpoy #video #youtube

-------------------------

JULY 25?



Song of the night.

#the electric soft machine #no need to be downhearted (part 2) #for chaos 0 #as far as i'm concerned this is one of our love songs #music #video #youtube #this is one of those songs that drove me to tears when i first heard it #i want the exact vibe and color of this song etched into my bones #innerlife #personal relevance #i adore this track

-----------------------------

JULY 14?

whismical:

take a moment to understand the immensity of life. a moment where you are able to accept your ultimate insignificance while realizing the absolute importance of every second you continue to exist. now stay in this moment.


#me #this is something that has defined my life for a very long time #its humbling and exciting and amazing all at once #something you can't quite put into words #morning #text post #things to remember

-------------------------------

JULY 14?


fantasyartwatch:

Acolyte of Embers by CobaltPlasma

#me #seriously this feels like something i should be doing in headspace #it's got all my previous associations but they don't feel lost to be even though i've moved colors #which is hugely interesting #fire #swords #light #apprenticeship #innerlife #also wasnt i given an acolyte title at some point #i know it was during a messed up time period but i should still revisit that #thanks cobaltplasma you've given me a lot to think about

-------------------------------

JULY 4

My muse & BFF, Genesis, turned 10 years old in our System today.

Love you dude. You’ve made the past decade that much brighter.
Here’s to the next one.

---------------------------------

JUNE 25?

deanyoungest:

i accidentally built a city under my wings.

i want my eyes to be white-hot and leak smoke from the sockets while i take the sharpest knife i can find

and shove it through the heart of every photo album that holds a baby picture.

i want to be the way the world ends

i want to be a destructor, heartless and cold. in the desert, the only path i could find

was a trail of loose molars like the ones embedded in the soles of your feet.

i accidentally stepped on a small desert town. single-story buildings turned into dust between my toes,

and the hot air wound around my ankles and tried to push through my skin.

i took my tongue (the sharpest knife i could find), and unto the dust i spake, saying

I am a dark and unforgiving God,

shoving rough muscle through rows of pointed teeth, shredding flesh and renting the atmosphere, acidic breath tearing the skies apart,

I am a blind and questioning God,

stumbling

delicate.

my fingers are covered with lace, my skin

is smooth and beaded with moisture;

and instead of nerve endings my fingers are filled with flower stems. there are thorns where my bones should be.

furious rushing water has replaced plasma and there are rivers in my veins, whispering,

touching the deepest edges of leaves in my cheeks,

and the trees rooted in the darkness of my throat are a constant reminder.

i accidentally flower and let petals burst from the pit of my stomach like blessings.

i accidentally set my friends on fire.

I am a quiet God, accidentally empty

and in the desert afternoon i am not cold.

#poetry #this is incredible #innerlife #ME #honestly this is me in a nutshell and that is uncanny #dark and light alike #ice and diamonds both #sunbeams and fluorescent buzz #i keep forgetting that i DO have this sort of potential because it terrifies me #but here it is #i adore this #favorite #this cuts straight to the heart

---------------------

JUNE 24?


huffpostworld:

When stepping into a holy place, our eyes seek the light. If we’re lucky, the light will be shining through a stained glass window, adding illumination and beauty at once. Stained glass windows tell stories, educate and inspire.

And these are the most beautiful in the world. 

#me #innerlife #stained glass #personal aesthetic #if you ever needed a photoset to describe the essence of my being this is it #favorite

-----------------------

JUNE 25?

Song of the night.
Show Some Respect” from The Last Ship.

This musical is one of the most gorgeous things I have ever heard. Virtually every song in it pulls at your heartstrings something fierce. It’s really a gem.

This song, however, is the one that moves me the most (and that’s saying something). It’s joyous, determined, rough, hopeful, all at once… it sounds like our System, and it just… I love it. It’s a spectacular track.

#the last ship #music #musical #song of the night #video #youtube #i am in love with this musical #this makes me so happy #to the system with love #i want the exact vibe and color of this song etched into my bones #also laurie i will FOREVER think of you when hearing that woman sing #she's got your edge and energy dear #me and you need to duet this now #FAVORITE #show some respect #spectrum songs


--------------------------

JUNE 15TH


danielodowd:

http://evanprice.vsco.co/

#vast and solitary #water #fog #mountains #gpoy #for chaos 0 #there's a part of my heart that feels exactly like this #i don't know why #but the silent fog and snowy mountains strike me so deep it hurts

-------------------------------

JUNE 15

viperslang:

To be madly in love with nothing specific is the core of happiness and its wingspan as well.

#gpoy #this feeling is my core vibe in a nutshell #never forget this.

-------------------------------

JUN 15



itscolossal:

Watch: Kinetic Sand: A Magical Interactive Glass Sphere Installation [video]

#INFI LOOK #sandman apprenticeship #this feels SO MUCH like headspace #this makes me so happy #bubbles #glass #art

------------------------------------------

JUNE 12TH

jaclcfrost:

it’s snowing so obviously the best thing to do is to go outside barefoot and in shorts and spin around i mean what else are you supposed to do in this situation

#gpoy #me #this is more of my vibe haha #i have literally done this for the record #WORTH IT

-------------------------------------

JUNE 12TH



 #i actually don't resonate as strongly with this vibe as i used to? #there are other people in the system who do #my vibe is more skylights and rainbows now #but i will always have a soft spot in my heart for snow

------------------------------------------------

JUN 1



 #innerlife #architecture #light #glass #white #cathedral #this makes my heart ache in so many ways #this also always reminds me of that one photo of jmc #i really love you #headspace inspiration

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MAY 28TH?

U CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO. HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR IPOD, PHONE, ITUNES, MEDIA PLAYER ETC AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. THEN PASS THIS ON TO 10 PEOPLE. ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.

Tagged by celestriakle!

 

I’m using my Spotify library for this, and I’m kicking it up to 30 because there are 6300+ songs in here and I want to SHARE THEM.

1. “Livin’ On A Prayer” (Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox)
2. “Let’s Be Done” (Pattern Is Movement)
3. “Right As Rain” (Alison Moyet)
4. “Something Fine” (Alessandro Magnanini)
5. “Hiszékeny” (Venetian Snares)
6. “Time Of My Life” (Patrick Wolf)
7. “Voca Nomen Tuum” (Forss)
8. “Shadowboxing” (Ed Harcourt)
9. “Take Me Out (Of Myself)” (Jamie Cullum)
10. “Peacock (Haywyre Remix)” (7 Minutes Dead)
11. “Tic Tic Tic, It Wears Off” (Todd Rundgren)
12. “Taste Of Me” (The National Bank)
13. “#Supernicer” (Exmag)
14. “The Shadow Of Your Smile” (Stevie Wonder)
15. “Worsening” (Baths)
16. “Jet Trails” (Mesita)
17. “Batmilk” (Jonti)
18. “Cwsg, cwsg, cwsg- arranged by Mack Wilberg” (Bryn Terfel)
19. “Mobius Streak” (Hiatus Kaiyote)
20. “Wonderland” (FROST*)
21. “Everything Everything” (Lianne La Havas)
22. “Integrity” (Ne-Yo)
23. “Hastalikta Saglikta” (Mustafa Ceceli)
24. “Days” (Balmorhea)
25. “Neptune Estate” (King Krule)
26. “Micro Cuts” (Muse)
27. “Chopin Prelude” (Jim Perkins)
28. “Bad Sneakers” (Steely Dan)
29. “Artifice” (SOHN)
30. “In Spain” (Vadoinmessico)

 

I think that’s a pretty nice selection, aha. ENJOY!


#tagged #music meme #frost and todd rundgren both got on there NICE

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MAY 28?

zombiegraycat:

i’m a hopeless Romantic. walk with me in the graveyards of gothic cathedrals, transcend the confines of elitist and rationalistic structures of discourse, and join me in an eternal spiritual quest for the strange and sublime.

#gpoy #text post #yesss #the ONLY romance this aaatq kid is interested in

--------------------------

MAY 27?

I’m still reeling from the loss of 85% of my life’s creative work a few years ago. It was a massive blow to my spirit, and having to “restart” so much of it all, almost from scratch, was daunting. I honestly did not think I could do it.
But I love my ‘creations’ too much to quit on them.
I’m still trying, bit by bit, every day. I still give it the best I can that day, even if I’m not always sure if what I’m doing is worthwhile, even if I feel utterly worthless compared to other “artists,” a term I still admittedly hesitate to apply to myself. 
This sounds kind of whiny but I guess I’m just trying to show that yes, I really do still care, I really am still trying, I’m not letting the trees die. It just takes time. And I’m really happy just to see green things growing again in my mind.


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FEB 27?

adriofthedead:

the ultimate creative struggle:

  • wanting to talk about your story/comic and get feedback
  • not wanting to spoil what happens in your story/comic
  • image
#MY LIFE #gpoy #leagueworlds #LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT DREAM WORLD #OR NOT BECAUSE HALF THE CHARACTERS ARE WALKING SPOILERS #honestly I once talked about the plot for 5 hours SOLID and still wasn't done #there is so much #i love it


prismaticbleed: (soniccity)



I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.


Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.


Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.


Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.


There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.



This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

 


july 26th.

★★Jay not holding WHITE, per se, but being a "RAINBOW" QUITE LITERALLY
Laurie saying "there IS no Rainbow slot, you're EVERY COLOR."
possibly the TRUE role of the real Host, i.e. being able TO BE ANY/EVERY COLOR WITHOUT DISSONANCE??
jay has been reflecting this appearance-wise lately quite often; again, the subtlest shifts in hair color/style and eyes are MASSIVELY important (as certain qualities are tied to certain "bloodlines") and can mean there is an entirely different person around.

★ eros birthday bear? we still have it, does he still have it upstairs?
BEAR "SPECIES" UPSTAIRS?? (the underground bear, and all of his/minty's messengers)
also BUGS. (beetles, ants, glowworms, spiders, butterflies, etc.) maybe tied to CEL??? the clock-wings one, mind!!


thoughts on eros and the past:

November 27th 2012 said my "real center" is Red, even though I resonate with snow. Then said that the Angel Helmet AND my 'Eros form' were the inspirations for ALL OUR ASCENDED FORMS. Still no idea how those apply btw. Plus the triple-4th was the NEXT DAY (CEL WAS THERE)

February 10th 2012 was the discovery of the Blood Lotus Cathedral, an incredibly major event. First, I never noticed until now, but J put on the Angel Helmet three times under different circumstances-- first, in the Oasis Room, it made him look how MY Soul Form looks now. Second, talking to Laurie, it turned him red & white, like "peppermint," effectively the color scheme J himself held then… and third, with Chaos, it made him look like Eros (gold wings (he did have a color conflict at first), red ribbon). Since the Helmet outwardly manifests virtuous qualities, it's notable to see that it apparently changes with context, and the Eros appearance ONLY showed up with CZ.
Then, when fighting the Tar & Razor (pre-anchor) downstairs, those two fused and then TURNED INTO "CELEBI", after which J was stripped of his defenses and turned into Eros in response--
"…it kept bringing up the 17th, then it turned into the celebi form of my old self, still made of tar, it felt very frightening. lynne put a shield up between us because it was getting dangerously close, but after a while of it screaming i walked through the shield, said it was something i needed to deal with. this made me turn into eros form, like in the cathedral. the tar laughed and said i was more vulnerable then ever now, i was scared it would abuse me, but i stood strong. laurie was terrified for me though."
Sorry for the dramatic emphasis; it's just that those two seem to have many connections we overlooked.


January 18 2012: J was referred to as "Eros" as a name at least twice during this… which is shocking, because THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT MISTRANSLATION, IN LIGHT OF THE SUICIDAL CELEBI FALLOUT. THAT SINGLE CONCERN WAS WHAT CREATED EROS, AND KILLED HIM. Since I no longer have the mistranslation problem post-Infi-- who WAS the love core in that Celebi shadow-- that is notable in and of itself, tied to this name and its behavior.

The first name-drop was by Laurie, BUT in this context: "You still don't believe you have the right to be who you are, Eros… you're love, not lust. Ever... but you still aren't sure if you love yourself, are you?" And J said NO. THAT'S VERY SIGNIFICANT. She also said, in response to J trying to fit the mythological "Cupid" title exactly: "Stop getting so hung up on names, boy. They're guidelines for missions. You know who you are."
The second name-drop was by CZ, after things had calmed down. He said "at heart you're only love," and when J questioned that, CZ responded by calling him Eros… a little disturbing how both of these name-drops were tied to denials of self-worth.

★★★ THE REAL EROS LOVES HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE.
THE SEXUAL DRIVERS LIKE JACINTH AND AZALEA DON’T UNDERSTAND LOVE AT ALL.

EROS WAS EXPLICITLY TIED TO CELEBI AT FIRST. DOES THAT STILL APPLY IN ANY WAY?? even color?

about celebi:
"A small but powerful creature of time, incredibly rare, who protected old forests and their inhabitants, and was said to bring an egg from the future where it traveled. They can restore life, they're genderless of course, they can purify shadows... "It is thought that so long as Celebi appears, a bright and shining future awaits us.""
heartspace IS AN OLD FOREST
egg from the future POSSIBLY BEING THE LOST CHILD??? (xenophon's theoretical sibling) infi SENT their "egg" TO THE FUTURE months ago and they NEVER SHOWED UP. no idea but it's a thought. feels odd.
RESTORING LIFE/PURIFYING SHADOWS IS HUGELY IMPORTANT THOUGH


july 27th.

last night, tuning infinitii into STAINED GLASS in dark holy places, for hir rainbow resonance. TRUE black realms.
euphoric about it, "thank you;" infi had been sticking with sheer black with just pearls as accents, that was problematic because there was NO COLOR.

laurie looking through old images we had saved, got inspiration for HER realm at long last (she's been very troubled for weeks about that; she had no idea where to start, or what it should even look like-- felt this uncertainty was totally unfit for a centralite, let alone one with a job as huge as hers). so she was starting to build it as we spoke.
space skies, carpets of violet flowers, FLOATING LANTERNS!!! it's a big vast gorgeous place, you feel small but safe all at once.
she was so, so happy. it made my heart just glow.

in therapy today (27th),

therapist pointed out our "robotic persona"= tied to how we want to be "treated like an 'object?'" said it was protective? safe "dehumanization," to keep away "unsafe" people-- i.e. the people who would talk to us as a robot/object are safe, those who wouldn't aren't.
this roboticness tied to THIRD PERSON VIEW of self!!

machinelike SURVIVAL INSTINCT? "don’t feel, just do what you need to do."
mentioned how we present EVERYTHING as "data," it's all very logical and precise and precise. no feeling, just facts.
BUT emotions are SOMEWHERE. hence the "background hum of unease" the autopilot keeps mentioning but can't understand.


thoughts later in the evening...

cel= TIME
cz= SPACE
tied into heartspace in that they are BOTH 'demigod' figures for lack of a better term?
both the woods and the ocean open up into other worlds?? specifically headspace???
those two have always had this unignorable, powerful similarity on symbolic levels, from the very start.

 

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)

 


 

I've been wondering for weeks, why are there graveyards at the borders of the pink realm?
I just realized why.
That is heartbreakingly sad.


Sadness is something I'm struggling with lately.
A good part of me feels that "I shouldn't be feeling it;" it's "silly" or "immature" or "incorrect" or "foolish." Basically, "you have no reason to be sad, just smile and move on."
I want to. I want to. But the problem is, I'm spitting on the sanctity of life with all this plagued apathy
Mourning isn't bad, is it?
It's such an alien concept to me. It leaves aching raw rifts in my chest. I've never really mourned anything. The concept is alien to me and yet part of me, some deep ridiculous part of me, wants to.
A lot of our System people have that. Laurie does. I don't know why she does, with all her armor, all her courageous edges and rage. But it breaks through her sometimes. She can feel more than anyone else in Central, I think, besides Infinitii of course.

We accidentally pulled an old "Johnny-nighter" yesterday. Someone apparently typed like 13 pages in Microsoft Word and posted it, then looked at the clock and noticed it was 5:11. I have no idea what the heck they wrote but I'm going to have to read it. There are like three unfinished documents open still on this screen and I don't know what to do with those either. They will be finished on their own.

The therapist wants us to draw up a "map" of alter function/creation relationships in headspace. We laughed when she said "draw a map," we said "what kind?" there are like... ten different kinds of maps we could draw up. I think we're going to do ALL of them. We have most stuff mapped in folders or on this computer anyway. It'll be fun, and connective affectionately inside, to do that tomorrow. It'll help stave off the depression and self-abuse, which is always good.
We need to meditate more, in this house at least. We meditate a lot when we're out. It's easier. But at home, we need to. Kyanos is working very actively with the rest of Central now and he's surprisingly tied to meditation so hey, we'll ask him to remind us.
Laurie was right. It really is richer in here than it's been in many many months. Which is surprising, things are still tough, we're still struggling a LOT, with old things needing to be healed and untangled and transmuted for others. But it's so bright in here again. I'm so thankful. It just happned, all at once almost, overnight like spring flowers after the first rain in April. The woods is beautiful up here, I want to take pictures for you, tomorrow if it's not raining super hard I will.

Spring is oddly dangerous, the spring/summer are always oddly dangerous because there's this raw creative energy in the air and, thanks to the "programming" it can make us dissociate badly. It's a topic listed for another entry, a big interesting personal one that we actually are looking forward to writing, because it will require us to be HONEST and stand up for what we REALLY feel, not what we are being told or ordered to feel. Plus it's nice, so nice, to go within your own self(ves) and feel your own life, glowing in there. It's nice, to have that grandiosity of sheer creation, of a universe all folded up like a sphere, like a marble in your pocket, like a bubble on a chain, resting against your sternum. It's nice to feel that living and joyous and real, right inside of us, in US, AS us.
It's nice. It never goes away no matter what anyone else says to us, and that means so much.

We need to buy a new binder soon. Someone remembered today. We haven't had one in years, Cannon's old one got really busted up and it became unsafe to wear it at the time because the family found out and was threatening us. So we're saving up for a new one. We saw this one today and Jay wants it, haha. Maybe!


I'm sorry. We haven't been eating or sleeping well and this body hasn't had any water in hours and we feel bad that we're making it sick, but really it's all small negligences adding up. Big abuses have stopped due to lack of passion, lack of motivation, lack of righteous fury. It's just... it's not good. I typoe'd that as "not god," feels significant. sorry lots of prophet feelings today. need to find a better word for that that doesn't have abrahamic connotations, we don't want to steal terms or redefine common words if we can help it, that's half of this trauma problem the way it is.

lots LOTS of good leaguework lately though, parnassus is STILL TALKING but now that we've finally tossed the "greek mythology" obsessive cage out the window, it's TALKING VERY CLEARLY and the plot is just EXPLODING. it's so exciting. the ACTUAL STORY is revealing itself now. and i'm sorry for all the caps but this is so so great.
jewel was doing tons of gemology research the other day for it, we FINALLY found all the tech stuff explained in simpler terms that we can understand, without becoming obsessively analytical and things. basically just the bare bones important facts. that's all we need, we don't need to become professors on this topic. we don't. we're using it as a springboard for creativity. and it's exactly what data we needed to find for this road to continue, i love that, it's like puzzle pieces opening up a larger picture bit by bit.

spice says to remind you don't eat coconut, it makes us very sick, don't eat it. same with lentils they are 100% confirmed problematic. save your money, seriously trying for a twentieth time isn't going to make you any less sick.
also the cherries be careful with those because although you (?) like them the body doesn't like fruit/ sugar yet, it might never like that stuff either so don't "force it" either. careful.

oh remind me i can't today, but i want to talk about this innerworld and how it is changing, evolving since the massacre in 2014, we were talking about it in central yesterday, with the levels. and the "color realms" we're trying to build, need a better name maybe? less generic? no clue. but it feels wonderful and strange and i want to talk about it. color symbolism just blooming into so much more, all the energy potential being made manifest. i use the word "blooming" a lot with that sort of energetic movement but really it's the only word that fits. a slow unfurling mathematic soft explosion. not math as in numbers but math as in golden ratios and things. words have so many vibes. i can hear colors in voices and sounds again i am so excited i missed that

btw this whole "mindspill" form of tying often isn't a "person" it's raw feelings, general core/host shared feelings and truths and things that get routed through the a.p. it's not an identity writing, it's a conglomerate experience,
oh yes gem fusions, steven universe is just as bad as pokemon they are mirroring so much of dreamworld and headspace, it's insane and kind of makes us feel creeped out sometimes (are they using our concepts on purpose? are they shared concepts that we're both tuning into? mostly worries about eventual "idea conflict" though) but more than anything we're so glad to see "our" concepts OUT there. so adopting different expressions inside is cool and nice too. like the metainomenai phenomenon. haven't touched on that internally in a while, it's very fluid and tied to the more floaty levels of headspace, where things bleed into d3 and leaguespace and stuff. outer realms, rainbow spaces. it's interesting stuff. like i said gotta talk about it another day because i love to.

um what else. fill out the forms, do the maps, check the date for saturday, exercise more. get your psychospiritual practice going again. plan that painting too. write a song. good stuff bro you gotta focus on the good stuff, IN YOURSELF, that's the key thing, stop looking outside it all feels like plastic and it's not what your heart needs.


it's late maybe i should just close this up and sleep. i'm just typing in intervals anyway. just wanted some thoughts down.

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

 



I've had the weirdest headache today, since I woke up. Not sure why.
If it hadn't onset that early, I'd have blamed it on the 2+ solid hours I spent translating the Polish prayer card our nun aunt gave my grandmother ages ago. The one she hand-wrote on the back was easy enough (a sort of indulgence prayer for the dead), but then there was a printed one on the front, with a picture of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. And it took ages to figure out. It ended up being a really lovely prayer, it was just hilariously nervewracking trying to find a working translation for "niech śmierć poniosę aby im wyjednać życie." I love our family language but REALLY NOW. (I settled on "Let me bear their death to obtain their life" which hopefully does the sentiment justice.)
Still, I can't complain, I'm learning. This brainfog of the winter is terrible, but that was a nice little linguistic accomplishment, as spontaneous as it was. I have such a strange floaty love affair with language, me and Jay both actually. He adores etymology and things like alliteration, whereas I just like learning new words.

On that note. Found a working healing phrase for the old fear, "we can't do this!" et cetera.
The grandmother actually woke us up with the announcement "hey I didn't want to make the rolls for Easter this year but I'm going to try." So immediately we jump up, "do you want us to help?" Ten minutes later we were in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up to our elbows, hands covered in flour.
So we were making the traditional makowiec for Easter-- six of them; two each of walnut, poppyseed, and cherry coconut cream cheese (it's great even though we can't eat it anymore). However, the grandmother then told us to roll out the dough and fill it while she caught up on some other house jobs. I was totally fine with this, but then one of the long-haired social girls speaks up. One of the young brown ones that feels like a feather, hesitant and soft-fragile and lost really. "But I can't do that," she said, anxious. I paused for a second, and then a lightbulb went on. "We can do it, " I told her-- "we just haven't done it before.” We just needed to try, and have confidence. We had proper instructions, and could always ask for help. So we went at it. According to the grandmother, they turned out better than hers. That's QUITE the compliment! So that was lovely. They're all done and pretty and foil-wrapped for next Sunday, the boys have got to wait before they devour them. We put lots of love into them so hopefully that makes them better too. We're trying to put love into our hands and words all the time now-- it's more of a "not letting anything else get in the way" thing though. Trying too hard doesn't work. Love just happens, Jay knows that best. So it's an interesting exercise.
In any case, the baking was a success. There's a lot less to make for Easter, compared to Christmas-- there's no deluge of cookies, mainly. The only other things we'd need to bake yet are the babka bread, next week… and then the hrudka: the EASTER CHEESE, aka the magic towel custard ball, and I don't care if we are lactose intolerant I am GOING TO EAT IT
(also all of the horseradish, I am warning you now)

Anyway it's new, very new, and nice, to suddenly have this burst of appreciation and affection for our heritage. It's all Polish/Slovak/Russian and as a child I guess we never realized how nice it is? I mean sure, the traditions and memories stuck solid, more than actual "personal" memories… probably because they're ideas, they're concepts, they're sensations. Take the pieces and put them together and you have a kaleidoscope, Jay would say, or a stained glass window. That's the feeling it gets, this viewing of the pieces-making-a-whole, even with something like family history. And you know what, maybe we have Lynne to thank for this. Her realization in therapy last week, with US being part of the PHYSICAL existence too, with us being ALLOWED to be a part of that… it's an odd sort of excited hope, a bit shaky and worried, but hot dang that’s amazing, that thought that we can finally… wait for it… bridge the gap on THAT level too. It does get tiring, the having to stay inside all the time, spiritually. D.I.D. occurs for that reason, sure-- protect the heart, the core, keep everything a secret if it keeps us safe-- but it really is exhausting. We're no longer in such danger, and we can collectively deal with the lingering home troubles right now, which is a massive blessing. So now it's… the same thing, really. "We CAN do this… we just haven't tried before." So now we're trying I guess. Courageous little steps is what it takes. And the little things feel so wonderful, when we are feeling them.
That's why I'm super glad we're being this brave again, this OPEN really, this daring to believe, and hopeful. The physical world is full of little things. The inner world is more complex, more momentous. When we have little moments we treat them like gold-dipped diamonds, they're incredible. The more we connect with each other, the more of them we have. But downstairs, in the family, there's a history we never lived, but which is nevertheless there for us, embracing. We're partaking in it now, bit by bit, because weirdly it is a bit scary. Even the baking… it's the solidness of it all, really. It's the sensation of being a concrete thing, of doing something so domestic, be it cooking or cleaning or working or talking… just house things. Family things. That's new. It's so new. And it is a bit scary, to be IN a body, that real red denseness of flesh and bone and blood, that strange cradle of life and breath. It's tangible from the inside, if that makes sense. As someone who has heretofore only been immaterial, it makes a lot of sense. Bodies are claustrophobic sometimes, limiting often, scary to feel the limits between your skin and the rest of the world. We're not used to such… intimate isolation? Being one little compact being amongst billions of others.
That's when Infinitii steps in, a lotus-shaped shadow, and tells us, life is mostly empty space. It's weird how profoundly comforting that is for us. But there it is.

So yes. Spring is settling in, and we're coming back to life too.
Therapy is tomorrow, no idea what we'll discuss. We found some good music online, we're still making Leagueworld progress, and we're growing spiritually again too, in a consistent manner. Unusually, right now the focus is outside, on the family. There is a LOT of healing that has to happen there yet, it's been overlooked before, detached from. Maybe we'll bring that up tomorrow? Could work. We'll see.


Now for one other thing because this is what got me typing tonight in the first place.
I think there's definitely a bigger world inside than we realize, and that's where the non-Spectrum people may live? Like a place FOR the Outspacers… the world that we USED TO LIVE IN, back in 2003-2006. I think it didn't fade or die. I think it stayed somehow, if only as a potential, now we just need to settle it in. But that's why Ryman and Markus could never stick around in Central. They didn't belong there. They belonged in our greater realm. And to be honest I THINK that's where they ARE now?? Like I've never been able to "figure out where" Ryman's room is located in space, for example, but it FEELS like the old 2003 "pre-headspace" rooms. Same vibe.
And now I'm wondering, about the "color realms" that have very slowly beginning to manifest. They have no fixed location yet, they're almost unvisitable yet, but they are, even if they're tentative yet. Maybe that's a blooming of that old potential? Or maybe it's a transition ground between the "Outspacer" space, and the "Spectrum" core area itself? I don't know, we'll have to find out. It just feels big, and important, and magical, and real. The realness of the inside world can be overwhelming too, very much so. It's the mysterium tremendum in a way. But Jay knows that better than I. I just know the words fit.


I was just looking at a picture we drew of Gleam and there was a weird sort of other-world resonance in my heart, the kind that precedes an inner Anchor. I love that feeling. Fittingly, it's a glimmer. It's a sparkle. It means there's a light glowing for that person, for whatever reason, in our soulspace. It means the door is open. Now… well, that's where the Links come in.
That's where Jewel comes in. That’s her job, really… or, at least, the other Jewel's job.
The one around now is the Dream World one, she's maybe twelve, fourteen tops. BUT there was another "Jewel," the black-shirt one from the first ever journal, the one who met the Outspacers and became HER OWN PERSON. We've never been sure if she lingered, but to be honest Jay says he feels her energy around sometimes, if only as a memory. So who knows. But my point is that that Jewel is the one who would walk into any World she felt like, and bring in Outspacers to our World-- or rather, hers, at that time… Jay can't do that, because his function is different. So maybe we need one of the teenage Jewels back, for this purpose.
I'm just thinking out loud really. I'm close to their bloodline, as far as vibes go, but I don't have it. I'm closer to the physical bloodline really? Like I'm more tied to the "good" vibe of the unidentified social kids. I know about headspace but I don't have a form in there, I'm out here, I just write about our collective stuff. So here I am, haha!
Ironically that makes this paragraph a bit confusing. ONLY the Jewels GET the Link-glimmer feeling. I didn't write those opening lines.
…I think the confusion is over who played the Pokémon games, whether or not that's the first Jewel or not. Sorry, that makes this a bit messy. But that happens with subtle switching… and with me admittedly hijacking this entry at the beginning. Someone wrote the beginning of this paragraph before I wrote the entire rest of the entry. I apologize.
However apparently someone found a working GBA, AND an actual working Gold Version cartridge, so when we get some time to put towards that we should be able to find out who resonates with that, especially with the age tied to it. It'll be interesting.

Now it's late and I don't know how to "look for people" to continue that topic. That's a bad habit… the whole thing with important topics being abandoned or overlooked due to late hours or time constraints. It must be somewhat subconscious, the fear of "good things" especially tied to internal love, that was internalized, and which is not true guys. You're cool. I like you, you're fine. You can talk about yourselves all you want and that's okay. You're worth it too. You're worthful, that's not even a word, but you get the idea. Anyone who says you are fake or silly or otherwise "bad" doesn't know you, okay? I do, even a little, but even that is enough. You're good, so keep that valor going.

Okay. Now it's 2AM and we do have to be up early tomorrow. There's a feeling of nervous excitement about just that, too-- just about waking up-- because we know what we have to heal yet, and we see the journey-road stretching on ahead, it's a long walk yet… but it's so nice to be walking again. It's so nice to know we're moving forwards, even if the ground is rocky and we're not quite sure what sort of terrain we're going to have to traverse. Anyway that’s the idea. We need to be brave and keep going. One day at a time, one improvement at a time, never lose hope, never give up.


Last thing. Jay here for a moment.
Leena was out today, and all I have of data is that she was out because anxiety called her out, and she was just doing her job without questioning whether or not the situation itself was safe or healthy.
Memory picks up when the brother, down the hall, turned on his iPod to have music playing while he exercised. On comes a Maroon 5 song, "This Love." He plays it all the time, but the words "…the chaos that controls my mind" cut through our aimless nervousness like a knife. It was a total paradox of a sentence-- their meaning and ours, relevant right that instant. Someone thought, "well then, are you trying to get my attention?" A pause, the fear of feeling that hugeness of life all of a sudden, realizing there was more than old habits of abuse and perceived meaninglessness. Then memory gets blurry again… until the next song came on.
Blue Ocean Floor... again.
Needless to say we left the room and went elsewhere immediately. Talk about a much-needed, last-second save.
Yeah, just wanted to mention that. It was some of the loudest "synchronicity" we've had in WEEKS. We were very out-of-key for a while there. We're only now starting to see our numbers again (triples; I love triplets, you all know that), and we're only now starting to feel together again, in a solid sense. But the universe knows. Our more religiously-oriented fronters say "God is being strict with us," but there's a very young part of our soul that surpasses the adult fear of "failure" with a childish gratitude for being "loved enough to BE chastised."
That's what Laurie was born from, too. Our soldier, our battle general, my white knight.
God. Jewel talks about Links and the data-feeling is familiar enough to my heart to compare it to this-- not just a glimmer, or a glow, but… how would you describe this.
I want to say it's like a slow fire, blooming up to fill my entire ribcage like a flower, but it doesn’t have the movement or sharpness of a flame. It's… something very close to this, actually, in shape and position and light.
It's that one color, though. Soulfire, we called it, back in 2005. The color of the fierce brightness at the heart of a sunrise.
Honestly though. She's giving me that sad-wordless look and telling me to get to sleep, it's 2AM, and right now I'm just kind of sitting here and realizing… how often do we take that for granted? I can see her. I can hear her. Upstairs, inside, we're JUST as real and alive and "solid" as anything outside, just in a different context.
It is late. I'm too peaceful right now to type any more. See you soon, I'm sending you all my love until then.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)



quick stream-of-consciousness update because this needs to be a daily thing again.
i don't want to forget anything, and the more i tune in, the more happens. man i miss this, it's beautiful.


first, laurie told me to write this down-- on friday, on the way home from grocery shopping, I had apparently sadly said "I wish people would just front like they used to," and since I was so distraught (and having trouble fronting myself) laurie had called josephina in? and he had fronted very well for about ten solid minutes! I don't know what he did or said but that's awesome. I am very very glad to hear that people can still do that. odd as it sounds I miss that, I miss being actively and undeniably plural; I miss feeling that I am sharing this body with everyone else. I miss the strange richness of it.

unfortunately friday is marked as being "troublesome" and so it is largely missing from memory. all I know is that it was a cloudy day.



last night.

talking to knife, laurie, lynne, and infinitii.
started out as I was going to sleep. we were all in the underground 'lobby' (relatively new), this open area between the main ground and the stairs that lead into the lowerspace and the underground. it's all warm glowing light and wood and it's nice.
knife was there because we had brought him there I think. I know he had been 'sleeping' in the christmas tree room? like that big church room where he set up the tree last december, he never took it down, it's still pink. he loves it. I had gone to talk to him and found him dozing off on one of the seats in front of it. gently woke him up, again I forget for what purpose-- there had been an important question-- and he came with me back to where I was talking to laurie.
lynne joined us shortly after, I forget when exactly. same with infi; ze had been floating around me all evening I think? but hir presence had been there and ze likes to talk to me at night. so it was the 5 of us just chilling out at 1am or so.
anyway laurie and I were again discussing 'getting everyone back together,' forging stronger ties between everyone in headspace, in light of the past 8 months of quiet. but then of course laurie had to also start teasing me about wanting to kiss everybody, asked if that was still a thing. asked if I'd kiss knife, we both got hilariously flustered for different reasons. I said "he's too adorable," but knife just wanted to know what that act would entail? he was blushing over the details really. he's like that. but laurie was cracking up at this. lynne was giggling about this too, I think she joked that she'd kiss me first as an example or something. I again protested that I couldn't do that so casually, but wondered how much of that feeling was old social programming, having to act a certain way. somewhere around here I paused, and asked knife if he was aromantic? it had just hit me. he asked me what that meant. laurie joked "what do you mean knife's not romantic" because he fits the literal term to a T. but she then said that she was aromantic and yet she'd still kissed me; the two things weren't mutually exclusive.
lynne and laurie got off on a tangent then, poking fun at each other as always. but as I listened I was again struck by how self-assured lynne always is. she's playful but always mature, it's a great balance. anyway I remember laurie made some joke about infinitii, how once you've been hit by hir vibe that's it, you're gone. lynne giggled at this, infi gave laurie a look. laurie shrugged and apologized, said that with me you just never sleep again. I said only because I stay up so late. she laughed and said that was the point, look at what time it was

anyway knife was still terribly confused and I guess we were all treating this topic too lightly, because without another word infi got up and walked over to me. everyone stopped talking, and I remember being both mesmerized and intimidated; the way ze walks is always so graceful but deliberate.
but if I was nervous at first, that melted almost immediately. when infi got closer (like within 4 feet) it was like this quiet black surge of love just swelled up around me, like velvet, it was heartbreaking and powerful and tore me glittering in two. I remember helplessly reaching up to hir (I was sitting on a low bench) and ze just knelt down in front of me and held my face, looking at me without a word, and I was in tears. I choked out that I loved hir, and infi said "I know." with hir mouth. that alone was huge, but… that's usually cz's line. and hearing it from hir, in a manner ze usually reserves for hir darker side, held such huge significance that it moved me to a sort of joyously humbled silence. I absolutely adored hir in those moments.
infi was talking to me then. I forget the exact words and I'm sorry. I was too overwhelmed with the sensation of hir being there; if you've ever been that close to hir then you know what I mean. but mostly it was a reminder, don't downplay yourself, don't mock or doubt yourself, etc. remember this and the truth of it. and yet there weren't much words. there was too much feeling and I forgot how much ze feels. all those eyes, and the way hir voice just echoes. I honestly forgot where I was for a while.

knife teared up after seeing all of this (caught me by surprise as I forgot anyone else was in the room), said "that's what I mean," and explained that he wasn't yet 'accustomed' (wrong word? more like he didn't know how to handle it) with the sort of 'love' that sort of behavior would elicit or require? he was stumbling over his words too; very strong vibe of him being surprised at his own reservations.
I pointed out that he didn't seem to have a problem with infi, but infi said that wasn't surprising; ze didn't require any sort of behavior from anyone. people reacted to hir in the way most natural to them I guess.
we tried to reassure him but he had too many questions in general. then oddly, when trying to explain what he saw as that 'more romantic' sort of love, knife gave "lynne and spine" for an example? that caught me by surprise. laurie said "wait what" and asked if this was true? lynne paused for a moment, then nodded, said yes. explained that although she was 'dating' julie, she wasn't 'in love' with her, at least not yet (that 'growing into' possibility was important). but she did love spine, the same way I loved laurie.
laurie paused and said 'holy shit' at this, rather reflectively. she also said that was really sweet actually.
(also! note to self: remember last month when lynne and spine 'started' the orange realms? they were walking through the woods. I saw it secondhand and it was very dreamlike so it's hard to remember but I never wrote it here so there's at least a mention)

anyway, knife was torn, he loved people naturally and simply, was it 'bad' or otherwise detrimental for him to not find that sort of behavior similarly easy?
infi then strongly reiterated that the sort of pure, innocent, affectionate love that Pinks held was incredibly important and that knife should never downplay it or think of it as 'less' than anything else.

sorry that whole bit's a mess. the Pinks are still clearing out residue from the julie days obviously. I just wanted that written down because it happened.




today.

infi was in my dream before I woke up? some odd thing with weeping angels and someone almost dying as a result? but jessica was there, styled like a powerpuff girl oddly, but still actively vicious. the partner of the dying person was trying to save them, tearfully so, jessica kept trying to sabotage it. the person was making some sort of poultice out of gems?? like there was an opal at the center, and all these rubies in what looked like white icing. they had to knead it to get everything at the right consistency or something, they had to ultimately put it at this spot on their partner's back. apparently that's where the "lethal injury" was, it had split their spine or something? very sharp memory of the color green at impact point, like a geyser pool in color and shape.
anyway. right before I woke up, infi showed up in the room, which caused jessica to disappear entirely. ze then gave the distraught person a lump of gold to put at the very center of the poultice-thing. then ze gave them all the final instructions and helped them apply it to their partner's spine, reassured them everything was fine, they would live and heal completely. anyway I thought that was interesting, that ze just walked in and helped the situation resolve so compassionately.

had to drive to mum's house to get vegetables, randomly said hello to waldorf while walking to the garden (I missed her all of a sudden). she was putting up light flowers like bruce munro's work, all in this blue glowy techno-forest area. like a city street lit up. she said she was trying to build the Blue realms, bit by bit, she was experimenting with ideas. I said it was gorgeous so far, but then asked why the sudden nature imagery? I thought she was more technological in general. she said yeah, but she figured she should work with elements too?
kind of blurry, I'm not sure what she said blue was, hinted that yellow was electric and that sky was air? but also MIRRORS. very clear flash of that! green was nature, aqua wasn't mentioned but I wondered about it.

at some point during church later (xennie was there too!) I was strongly reminded of laurie, I don’t recall what exactly, but I remember holding her hands (both at once, together) in this meaningful aching way. there's this crystal clear visual memory of the bandages on her arms, and that her hands looked slightly battered (little red cuts and things). she gave me this very meaningful look that I didn't meet exactly because it would've broke me I think. was too enraptured by her hands, the moment was practically tangible
in any case some minutes after that she said we should "do that rotating thing," in terms of who would be my main advisor or confidant for the day. I wanted deeper emotional and mental connections with everybody, and besides Central needed to get a deep understanding of the daily life too.
long story short laurie pushed me a bit and told me to go talk to someone else for a bit. so I ended up spontaneously talking to nathaniel.

nat's got this lovely little pocket-realm going on for Green, branching out from his room (which is mostly thick forest branches and pink roses-- always has been). we were sitting in the boughs of some ancient tree, surrounded entirely by that flowery canopy, watching the sunlight filter through the leaves. I think I was holding his hand, something simple like that.
nat reiterated that he dealt with "love in the face of change," or "love throughout all change"
also said why his being a moth was significant. not just the metamorphosis, but also because moths fly at night, and they are drawn to the light. even in pitch black they will find it, but in the darkness they are not lost. they have a sort of quiet inner peace, a silent and unhurried faith. nat said Greens are like that, that's their virtue, is that serenity and faith in the universe.
he said sergei fit that extremely well too. it struck me that so did the queen, surprisingly.
reminder that aqua voices hold devotion, or fortitude?
also total agreement that violet was tied to the cores? like all their roles are partly to advise and support the core, not just laurie. I said that made sense, was definitely possible.
anyway I remember as he spoke about the moth thing, he was talking with his hands, eyes so bright and wide (such gorgeous eyes; they're like big emerald cabochons), but still radiating that essential calmness. kind of like the sunlight in the trees. but he looked so genuinely happy and inspired, I smiled so much just listening to him, feeling his history in his words, knowing how much it meant for him to be here now, as he was, talking like this.
also I think he has moth fluff. he has to. I remember there was fuzzy green around his sleeve cuff, couldn't tell if it was part of his outfit or not. I've never seen him without his robe, so I have no idea.

"navy singer" out to sing during mass, she's finally feeling more like her own person now. name is "nienna" I think? root letter was "n" in any case. I originally thought she was tied to sapphires but that's a (small) aesthetic tie, not a name tie.
her role is actually "the ability to 'join the song' without being afraid of your own voice," so to speak. so yeah she's a singer, but more specifically, she sings to be part of the music, part of the choir, without a shred of self-doubt or misplaced guilt. that was very clear today.
she also has heavy hair. long, and wavy, like silk. reminded me of water, very subtle 'wave' to it, all in one piece. it's not like lynne's! hers is lighter and curls softly. they both love their dresses though, but even then the styles do differ!


got home at 6pm or so. xenophon spent most of the evening with me and oh my lord she is such a sweetheart and a godsend.
she is definitely violet, haha. unflinching integrity. kept keeping me on track, not letting me slip, et cetera. making sure I was talking care of myself. and best of all? there was NO backtalk to her orders from the floating voices OR the old girls. it was the best and safest evening I have had in weeks, dead serious. I love her so much, I am so humbled to have this kid calling me a father, her love is absolutely unfailing. I hope I can give her the same.

massive e.d. voice resurgence later though, that was a shock
the destroyer was talking to xennie for quite a while! that's new. xennie was distraught about so many other people being out when she was just trying to help me, to that the destroyer said "jay doesn't eat; he never eats" and it later hit me that dude, I DON’T, that's not my job! which explains why there's so much difficulty there. on that note xennie asked something about that, forget what exactly, but the destroyer ultimately said that's why the "eating" concerns were such a huge battleground-- I'm the core, the person supposed to be fronting benevolently whenever possible, but the eating thing isn't my fight. I can't take up that cross, by my role. so other people like to sneak in and 'act in my stead' then, claiming authority, but harming the body. so lots of headvoices deal with the e.d. stuff as a result, it's a mess since as soon as that battleground is entered, so to speak, switchiness becomes the norm. several people phase in and out without any real sense of order. the destroyer said we needed to get some coherence there, emmett needed to be on-call at all times, spice needed total authority given to her if at all possible, etc.
then the destroyer said she works with fig-- confirming her as both alive and nonhuman, but still not a fully developed individual yet-- and that fig's job is to hold the idea of "joyful eating," something totally alien to us currently. fig is the childhood experiences of actually sitting down and enjoying meals, of seeing eating as something caring and thankful. however the curse is that she holds a lot of outdated memories, of childhood foods that are no longer safe or appetizing or even wanted. so we're working through that. but since fig wants to 'enjoy' those old data foods, but cannot know (due to that old data) whether or not such a food is even edible now, she is trying everything. but we cannot eat like 98% of it so that's where the destroyer jumps in, to get rid of toxic food.
xennie asked her at one point why she can't just leave the food for other people in the house? yeah it's 'poison' for us but not for the family. if we know we can't eat it we don't have to. the destroyer paused, notably, and said that she hadn't thought of that before. that definitely was an option. so that's good.


this evening laurie and I agreed that xangas need to start happening again.
there has been too much downtime, as a whole, and that's giving the ego remnants (the "old girls") too much power and influence. that hit me today, sharply, during church. so we need to put in heavy duty work now, just like when this all started, to connect back together as a system, as a whole.
laurie's idea is to write down, during the day, discussion topics both good and bad. like if a problem or concern comes up, write it down and we will discuss it like we used to, with anyone who we feel should talk about it too. same with good things that happen, write 'em down. basically I should start carrying sherlock's book with me and keeping a running log. really that would be very beneficial.


anyway it is now 2:30 am and I cannot think coherently long enough to type anything else! good night.





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