(extremely unfinished and disjointed entry. inevitable. will refine later. again, not publishing this would be actively trying to hide. can't do that.)
Up at 945?
Store dream, at night, empty, forced to do lots of work. typical.
old classmate was there, steph s. flirting with me? surprised me, didn't see myself as even likeable
Bed a mess. everything pulled out and bunched up. how the heck did i even sleep
threw it all on the floor. Blanket pile for Xennie
Chumble spuzz talk
forget what triggered it??
talking about taking care of grandma when she was dying. how that was giving her dignity and respect.
touched on the importance of the Incarnation in this respect. "God not afraid to get involved in all the humiliating things that humans are cursed with," yet it didn't corrupt or taint him. the staggering depth of a love willing to literally become almost animal in order to divinize us wrecks.
Kettlebell reminder
30 reps! getting better
TWO full chinups now, working on three
Breakfast prep
Mimic stepped in to hang out, i was thankfully happy to see him, that's progress for me too. also shows i'm in a better state of mind to not be overwhelmed instantly by the "threat" of interaction or paying attention to people
we're out of cayenne pepper haha. scalpel & phlegmoni so bummed. spice said we'll get more, they actually high-fived
this is cracking me up, i never ever expected them to become friends, why are they bonding over spicy things, it's the funniest thing
Hearing lewd comments & jokes while we talked?
THE YELLOW GLASSES GUY
Laurie "found him" instantly and dragged him into openspace
Thought she was gonna kill him
apparently yellow/orange were FUNCTION PUSHING ON LYNNE??? forced her to do THEIR job??
Lynne walked over & PUNCHED him
"so you're the reason why i ended up dead???"
also ANOTHER girl-- "sunny"??? MATCHES THE OLD UNIDENTIFIED "RECOLOR" AVATAR-- is orange, and deals with the meme-forcing??? SO MUCH INTERNALIZED GARBAGE.
JEZEBEL CAME BACK????
we heard another "commenter" speak up but awful language, we tried to "pinpoint" them and they SHOWED UP??
TOOK JULIE'S OLD LOOK?? roughly but notably & shocking. but ALL BLACK.
THREATENED TO TAKE RED.
I nearly went INSANE.
Scared everyone. literally losing humanshape. crackling like shattered glass and fire. would have ripped her to shreds
Mimic STEPPED IN. jezebel sneered, threatened him to attack her
He almost did. definitely wanted to. Then put knife down, smirked and just says "No."
Briefly said why. Cowardice vs fighting. Doing what she wanted vs standing ground & refusing, no power over him.
(Added later that he was also shook by the "nobody stays dead if they're supposed to be alive" thing; with the function debate he refused to take the risk of making her LOOK invincible; his refusal was actually victory)
Laurie still walked over & buried her axe in jezebel's skull
Mimic was like wtf, I just took a stand and you do this??
She said her violence worked differently with her function. Force resets remember.
Jezebel glitching but wouldn't reset. Felt horrifically disturbing.
Infi went eldritch and ATE HER.
Blood spilling from between teeth. Everyone in shock.
SPIT HER OUT.
she was too tarry. bright red lipstick standing out. furious screaming at infi. too corrupt to transmute????
Infi locked her & yellowguy in bubbles
Mimic thought about prisons, how he hated being stuck in them, said should we do something else? explained "if i hate it i shouldn't make others do it". still weird of him to ask. maybe flashback motive
We said sorry but no, they're in there for their good AND ours. They will only be let out if they prove they won't be malevolent
Blackdress girl function splinter?? "don't kill me please" thought she was the e.d. girl???
Immediate glitchout, was that even a person? or just a temporary "form" made by the systemind in this unstable state??
Laurie like wtf is this
Discussion with Infi & Julie
they abandoned their old jobs (rejecting the sexuality terror) BUT apparently those dark functions STILL must be held by someone for AWARENESS & TRANSMUTATION
Ironic but true
I attempted to put jezebel into plague cell? But feared further corruption
I tried to find "grayspace" but doesn't exist???
CELEBI & HOOPA SHOWED UP
Space portal & timelock. WORKED. Felt them put "on hold", safe
Laurie commented "since when are you two bipedal"
"Since we're not really Pokémon anymore"; want new lives, no thievery for hoopa
"Now you guys gotta get new names"
honestly though i haven't seen hoopa in over a year i think, so glad he's still around
couple people spoke up after this
knife and razor had been literally hovering at the sidelines with their weapons, razor didn't attack because "it would have been bloody" and knife doesn't like actual aggression
caught a glimpse of algorith and sugar in the background too
leon sobbing to me later, he had been mia for the whole thing, he took out his pistol and just sobbed "it would have been so quick" but he couldn't. too much terror
chaos 0 had been literally physically & mentally held back by rio and markus
"if they hadn't i would have gone perfect"
remember he still picks up my emotions and I was feeling MANIACAL RAGE.
No breakfast until 130 because UNEXPECTED 40M HEADSPACE "FIELD TRIP" WITH LEON
From 1250 to 130?
apparently we can ONLY do this when we're FASTING.
that explains the constant "visions" during college when we would never eat
god how much have i LOST by that sugarshock hell of an inpatient stay????
feel like a walking corpse now. don't care that i'm a "healthy weight" you're killing my SOUL
anyway
leon concerned about how his color "slips" when he's distraught? which is "normal" but still dangerous. he wanted to "feel out" the other blue-group hues to see if he does resonate with them or not.
SO.
WE VISITED SO MANY COLOR REALMS
met him in indigo, it's still snow and stone and mist and ice and incense smoke and graveyards. high altitude. quiet. gorgeous. remember the crucifix in his church is coming OUT OF THE TOMB and jesus has his arms reaching out. like the resurrection but still anchored TO the cross. "mercy" feeling. oddly very indigo. deeply moving.
we first went to SAPPHIRE??? one huetone down. place still mostly unformed but vibe is CLEAR. nienna was there!! couldn't really talk though as she's technically a social & internal interaction will break her function. realm apparently "belongs to" bakura (rio)??? really nice vibe actually. oddly comfortable. makes me think of starmaps for some reason
then HARBOR. still feels like dishonored, haha. didn't stay long; that color holds ALL our fears about blue tones, so it hasn't been explored at all
next was BLUE, still looking like it used to with all the led lights and technology-glow vibes. and WALDORF MET US THERE!! hugged leon so hard, she said "i missed you too, neighbor!" they talked briefly. i remember when we left i offhandedly mentioned we didn't eat yet and she jokingly offered me a waldorf salad. i had to laugh, absolute childhood memories there. she said "oh wait you can't have walnuts" and i said that's fine i don't like sweet things anyway. "ah well more for me then" she replied. her eyes are still red btw. hair not cyberlox anymore, they're the kerrigan alien-dreads like they were originally. she's gone ENTIRELY back to her roots and i can tell she's living now. so important for us all to do that i think. find our hearts. before the horror happened.
then SKY? kyanos was there, sitting away from us at a distance, looking at the sea. place still looks like santorini
then CYAN. whitespace!!! unformed. leon had me focus on it and it STARTED TO FORM WHILE WE WERE THERE. all icy mountains and actual glowy-ice glacier bits. total childhood vibe. no buildings, just crags and freeze. felt weirdly safe and dangerous all at once. exhilarating. jewel would love it
then AQUA. place is kind of unstable yet? chaos 0 met up with us, we were discussing his unusual color "shifting" over the years YET he is still tied to aqua?? more resonant with his SI existence
then we tried to go to LIME but we FORGOT IT SHIFTED, it's now "SPRING" and there is a NEW "CHARTREUSE" hueslot. the distinction was vital; there are CLEARLY DIFFERENT VIBES to them both. celebi was there, she helped us "get the vibe" correctly as she's apparently STILL in charge of it. spring is all sunlit leaves & childhood forests. pure joy feeling. everything new & warm & open? not like GREEN, that's deep forest. odd that cel has this one but it's how she feels in headspace, what life was like when we met her. total joy.
took us to CHARTREUSE anyway. yes it's a fear hue. all open fields and summer bug sounds. childhood anxiety.
leon didn't want to go to GREEN because he's still not ready to think about nathaniel's death
so we went back up
stopped at VIOLET. almost pitch dark. very unformed. still resonates with churches at night & monkshood flowers though. wondering if aconitum is alive or not. no ping
then PURPLE, absolutely stunning. still nighttime mountains and stellar galaxy sky. i pinged Laurie and she joined up. talked about her realm design for a bit, i noted there's snow on the ground, she said yeah because we're on a mountaintop but also "because of you." really touching. then she added "plus it's sparkly which is awesome" laurie i love you don't ever change
then PINK, the church & graves are still there too, and the gazebo with the cherry blossoms. notably a white "glare" around everything. could "feel" the underground below it. disturbing how it's connected THERE. makes sense though, what with all the abuse in this hue for over a decade
skipped MAGENTA. felt too unstable. no defined qualities yet. don't want to risk trauma triggers either, pink realms are volatile in that regard for previously mentioned reasons
tried to go to CERISE? echoes of eros there. but he's gone. nc utterly annihilated him tbh. the place still has a solid vibe though. NONSEXUAL thank god. but still overwhelmingly sensual. very dangerous place. but important.
then bravely attempted "RED-VIOLET" but like cyan it's still whitespace. cannot form yet, it's too unstable. only one person we know for sure holds it and that's bruise, who we haven't seen since the ER
lastly went to RED??? skipped BLOOD but could feel the difference; i THINK it's anchored into razor's cisterns now?? anyway blew my mind to go to red, technically it should be "my realm" but SCALPEL runs it. with the retrowave grid skies and all. BUT that's the "BLACK" side???? apparently it CAN "flip" to WHITE and THAT'S when you get the white stairways and roses everywhere?? still totally unformed. bizarrely tied to SKY. thinking of cz & i with that, surprised but not. anyway definitely merits further investigation.
leon said he wanted to bravely try the other warmer hues.
YELLOW is inaccessible completely, it's not even whitespace, just a total blur
AMBER is also blurry. slight resonances, tied to Genesis who is the "main" for it technically. but unformed too.
ORANGE is totally inaccessible
VERMILION is the marywood music building???? not surprised but WOW. lynne got called in! she was so surprised to see not only the realm but this whole gang of us visiting, haha. gave everyone a hug. she said she'd shift us over to BROWN because she "was used to going there with spine."
BROWN is, inexplicably, like our dad's parent's old house. same vibe. indoors, old wood, aged, quiet. fascinating. i know other things vibe strongly with brown-- notably coffeeshops-- but that didn't register as the main realm aesthetic? why so? gotta investigate the definitions.
briefly tried to visit "SPRUCE" or whatever is forming between green & aqua. sheer evergreen right now. leon laughed "just as i expected"
did NOT go near any achrome realms because those are literally dangerous to visit.
also not wanting to risk accidentally unfreezing those negative nousfoni from earlier
no archivist-space either. WONDERING about that. ARE there "gold" and "silver" AND "copper" realms??? and wtf is up with grayspace now that sherlock died??? gotta look into ALL of this, i'm actually really excited, like my life is coming back with all the hues
went back to indigo briefly. leon sat down on the doorstep by his church, half indoors half outdoors, said he felt so "at home" here.
at some point he commented on my holding red??? i think before the whole warping thing; we were alone.
we were worried about jezebel's threat. then leon said, maybe there's legitimacy to that? because he pointed out, right now i'm making laurie's mistake. i'm holding EVERYTHING about red, good and bad, whether i realize it or not, BECAUSE i'm the only one. blood and strawberries and roses and even jezebel's threat of slinky red dresses. too many conflicting vibes. no expanded or nuanced definitions, except for BLOOD, and so EVERY "red" nousfoni is getting shoved in THERE??? which is kinda scary because ALL bloods are basically WEAPONIZED. it's a retributor realm. so any potential RED who ISN'T of that vibe WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO EXIST??? because i'm holding EVERYTHING in myself for some reason. me and jewel, arugably. it was severely hampering the hue expression AND screwing with my psyche. maybe there should be actively negative RED nousfoni so we can DEAL with those aspects and manage them??? instead of it all being shunted over to me? wondering about that
leon said he "needs more indigos" in any case. the vibe is SOLID in the league but there are few nousfoni with it? strange. have to reflect on this more
god i miss headspace events so much. i felt so ALIVE and REAL.
how did we go for years without this??? no wonder we felt dead.
finally ate breakfast god bless we were getting dizzy
hate that. want to keep fasting and meditating. but body needs fuel especially after last night
Talking to Mimic & Phlegmoni about 1 Peter 5:6-7
Xenophon "yelled at me" over breakfast with the tea spilling and dissociative-compulsive behavior
She felt so bad, crying & apologized.
Me, Chaos 0 & Laurie all had to reassure her it was OK, she was actually proving how much she loved us & wanted us to do well BY being brave & concerned enough to call me out on what she saw as unhealthy or unsmart behavior. Genuinely thanked her for that.
xenophon LAUGHING SO MUCH over the fortune cookie "learn chinese" trio today. we got "see a doctor," then "headache", then... "beer." plugged this all into google translate
"医生说你头痛是因为你喝了太多啤酒。"
honestly we were in stitches. i don't think i've laughed that hard in months.
4pm got on bike
Said divine mercy chaplet AND a glorious mystery rosary using our phone images for meditation; worked FLAWLESSLY.
some of the images are so, so moving. i want to type about them; remind me.
took 30m almost exactly.
then decided to spend the next 90m watching that "penitent man" movie for the heck of it.
well.
i'm glad we watched it
before i went to bed because when it ended i was SEETHING AND MISERABLE.
movie was nothing special. predictable plot, mostly dialogue shots.
REALLY upsetting and disappointing "jesus wasn't divine" garbage shock-value bit. expected this what with the hindu/buddhist imagery everywhere. pissed me off.
BUT this ironically proved how jesus
is divine irl because the guy said, without religion, humanity became absolutely lost and depraved. "when you put the power of god into a person's hands, they stop believing in anything but themselves." basically. hit hard.
MAJOR dialogue bit on the importance of
love as like the SOLE OPPOSING FACTOR to this depravity, and how "relationships require constant attention" and if you aren't "giving enough of yourself" they WILL COLLAPSE. so relevant to our collective life lately. guy talking teared up then, about how his wife said "she didn't love him anymore" (i hate that phrase, it's so cruel and callous and twisted, that's NOT HOW LOVE WORKS) and left him
because he hadn't been spending time with her or talking with her. so despite her response, really she was reacting to his actions that were
starving her of love to begin with. so in a way, yeah, her response made sense. her heart had become cold and hard because he stopped sharing any warmth. and he didn't realize that until it was too late. he forgot to kiss her one day and then couldn't remember when he had last kissed her at
all. heartbreaking. that show of emotion was the ONLY time he really opened up and it slammed into me like a truck.
also huge emphasis on "money as the root of all evil" with this movie which was so so so depressing but still. a vital warning.
but. the frickin WOMAN.
i regret to inform everyone that i apparently STILL have a HELLTON of VIOLENT TRAUMA-BASED MISOGYNY.
like i am legit
terrified of women. TERRIFIED. especially white women, almost exclusively so actually. they scare me on some gut-deep level,
especially their presentation-- their shape, the horrible soft and roundness, that traumatic smell, the faces they make, the crackly squeaky voices, their "baby obsession," the identical hairstyles and facial expressions. yes i know this is ugly ugly talk but darn it i am
trying VERY hard to confess all my garbage and i haven't felt THIS much vitriol since SALT LAKE CITY.
i am genuinely
shocked it never came up in nc. probably because poor mel was closeted trans, and presenting as overtly feminine at times, while tbas was NOT feminine at ALL, thank God, I doubt I could have survived otherwise. but even though i legit loved mel and still do, it was, and apparently still is, the features of
femininity that i have a kneejerk problem with.
even in effeminate men. something in me actually HATES it, and I am frightened to admit that. not dislike, not disgust, not loathing even. HATRED. absolute maniacal rage-burning HATE.
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THAT.it's
terrifying. WHY DO I FEEL THIS. it's like... it's
dehumanizing. i had to
cover the screen with my hand EVERY time the guy's wife showed up because some sick part of my psyche wanted to
literally throttle her. and why?
because of the FACES she kept making and the
way she talked and that
feminine skin. i kept hyperfocusing my furor on that. it's clearly a trauma response. if there is one thing that will INSTANTLY turn me into a lethiferous maniac it's a notably female body.
i am so scared of them. i think i even HATE them. god forgive me but if i so much as see a woman's hand in an online photo, all soft and rounded, or see their facial texture on a movie closeup, and i remember what that texture feels like and smells like i will want to
take a freaking KNIFE TO THE SCREEN. i am so sorry but it's true. i lose all sense of decency and mercy and even empathy. i forget that's a
person. all i see is DANGER, DANGER, HORROR, EVIL, DISGUSTING, EVIL, GET IT AWAY, GET RID OF IT FOREVER, HATE HATE HATE DANGER FRIGHTENED DESTROY. absolutely hysterical. but it all translates into
violence. sheer bestial ferocity. terrifying to admit but true. and yet
none of it is personal. the
hatred has nothing to do with them as a person because
i can't see the person. heck i might even LOVE the person. but when i'm this unhinged and
scared, all i see are those physical qualities and patterns that KEEP HAPPENING it's like a VIRUS. i'm talking about
THIS AND THIS. a deeper, better part of me can and does love all those girls-- as friends, as daughters, as sisters, as beloveds, even. the REAL part of me DOESN'T DISLIKE FEMININITY AT ALL. but. today I am realizing that there is a shallow and seething part of me, some awful inhuman cancer, that reacts to those poor girls and women with this such inexplicably
livid rage i want to
rip something apart with my TEETH. i'm so freaking ANGRY. but
WHY???? why in heaven's name do
white women, ESPECIALLY the "sorority girl" look, make me want to DESTROY SOMETHING. the same mouthy smile. the same long blonde hair. the same silly poses. the same incomprehensible
facial expressions WHAT ARE THEY EVEN EXPRESSING it makes NO SENSE it's just INFURIATING, is that because i feel so confused and threatened by it??? even with different body shapes and sizes there's
still something
absolutely frightening about women to me. ESPECIALLY teen girls. they scare the life out of me. part of me almost wants to (defensively?)
hate them. it's terrifying. and i don't know
why. it's all how they look. all how they sound. they are all the wrong shapes and textures and smells and they are literal walking nightmares to me. put me in a room with a bunch of girls and i will either scream and try to break the door down or i will start breaking teeth. it's inevitable. it's driving me insane.
and
mothers are WORSE, God forgive me, just like that poor woman in the movie. when they have
babies it's like i'm
being trapped in hell because NOW the scary bits of all females have been EXAGGERATED in the silent scream of "THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO
GET AN INFANT AND I'M GOING TO EXPLICITLY FORCE YOU TO REMEMBER IT."
and as a result i am legit TERRIFIED of infants too, moreso than women, but for the exact same awful reasons. all the wrong shapes and smells and sounds. i see one and i am honestly
terrified. WHY.
is it just the trauma? is it all the trauma? when i see a pr****nt woman i want to run and possibly gouge my own eyes out just to feel the relief of pain and blood.
i need to cauterize my brain. i go into a mad red frenzy. burn it out. cut it out. bleed it out.
get it out. get it away from me, forever, get it
away from me, i can't exist in the same space as THAT.
good lord. i'm a bloody
mess.how the heck do i bring
this up in therapy
it's been OVER TEN YEARS since i first admitted this awful vice and this is STILL JUST AS BRUTAL AS EVER.
and i hate it. i hate it so much. it's like being possessed. maybe that's literally what this is, god help me
i feel so sick and weird.
i don't want to be like this.
but it's so
instinctual. it's a knee-jerk response. pure acid, the instant i so much as see them, but it's all
fueled by fear. i'm
afraid of them. they are
walking threats to me. getting near one scares me to death because the sheer thought of a girl bumping into me by accident is enough to have me
screaming and clawing at my arms until they bleed. it has happened before. my poor mom knows it. it's at the point where she's afraid to even hug me lest she set off a meltdown or shutdown. no mother should have to go through that with their own child. but there it is. it's happened too many times. i can't seem to shut it off. i am so sorry.
and of course, this gender dysphoria nightmare.
literally an inescapable hell since inpatient
i hate this body now. i hate it so much i cry over it all the time. i wish i were dead almost every time i see a mirror. where are all my edges, my angles, my sharp points? where are the safe and beautiful bones? the squared-off corners? now there are too many bloody
curves, too many scary
soft places and i want to take razor's x-acto knife to ALL OF IT. i want to starve and throw up and watch it shrink again, empty and pure, god i want to be
safe again i don't know what to do.
need to eat less. exercise more. burn off all this demonic weight
and hormones. i swear i need to start hormones again. drop the voice more. get more facial hair. change the body shape. look like how i
feel. like how i
am, inside. not like this. not like this horrific feminine beast in the mirror. literally about to have a panic attack just thinking about it. trapped trapped
trapped DOOMED...it's
worse than it ever was now.
i just frantically got out my jmc photo album and looked at her, those snapshots from 2009, she's still so
young but now i can see that she's a
girl and i'm
scared. WHY. WHY HER, WHY NOW, SHE WAS ALWAYS SAFE BEFORE,
why is the trauma
this bad now
and yet. and yet
i still choose to love her. this dogged determination. i have to.
how much of this is externalized dysphoria
how much of this is internalized homophobia
how much of this is exploded trauma
all of it.
every single bloody abuser in my life has been FEMININE in one way or another
AND YET, since childhood i cannot deny that I STILL "LIKE GIRLS"??? like i'm the idiot who will walk past some gorgeous chick in a store or at church even, double-take and turn around and go "geez she's
gorgeous" and yet i can't watch a movie with a woman in it without having a panic attack and wanting to punch through the screen??? what gives?
i still pray for a "girlfriend" too. honestly i do. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, if one of "those girls" is able and willing to
actually love me then i won't be frightened anymore. it would break the pattern. i'd be like the fox and the color of the wheat. my heart would change. god i hope. please i mean it send me someone. you know i'm capable of love even with this. even with this.
wondering if it needs to start
inside like most things because YEAH,
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE LIKE
NO FEMALE OUTSPACERS, and the ones that
do manage to stick around are
not human at ALL. galadia is so important in this regard. in canon sneaslers have a body shape that
scares us. it's those horrible rounded hips. but SOMETIMES people draw her ALL LINES & EDGES and
that's what caught us, honestly
so much is about
proportion for us, too. always that fear of something being "too apparently feminine." it's exhausting. also for sneasler the long limbs + fur sets off
so many phobias, it's honestly a miracle that she's in our system at all. but she is. i guess i'm trying to say, there's hope ?
ALSO. thinking about this whole mess of a situation it's OBVIOUSLY why we couldn't "get" lillymon to be an outspacer.
she's too obviously a girl. there were no links, no resonances, nothing that could connect to her... at least, in the old art. in tri she looks more
alien, with sharp teeth & a slightly different silhouette, but still. the body shape. the "long hair." the dress. it immediately makes us
panic and that cannot be "forced past." THAT'S HOW ABUSE HAPPENED. we don't want to repeat that in
headspace for heaven's sakes.
in any case that whole thing was a
farce. COMPLETELY obligatory and self-abusive. literally picking some random 'mon and saying "what if we
made them an outspacer
just to have a green person and a girl" IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY YOU SHALLOW MORON.
you can't "pick" who you resonate with. you can't "pick" who you end up actually falling in love with, no matter what "level" it is. platonic or familial or romantic or whatever. it
happens and it CANNOT BE FORCED OR FAKED. EVER.
one last note. our "female" nousfoni
aren't female. if they use she/her pronouns they
still aren't "girls." this is a CONSTANT.
i should make a list. but just think: algorith, razor, wreckage, laurie, all considered "she/her" but not feminine at all. which is GOOD. even lynne is losing some of the apparent details which is making her
safe. julie exists in a weird zone where she's apparently female BUT she doesn't set off
all the alarms??? gonna have to note
why. there are some subtle but key things she's lacking apparently. nevertheless, yes, we
are scared of her figure and THAT WAS ALWAYS
PART OF HER FUNCTION. same with infinitii. the only reason ze
has those hips is because ze's
supposed to be terrifying. nevertheless we are strongly considering "inventing" pronouns and "genders" for ourselves up here because
we DO NOT match the human binary AT ALL, and it's therefore actually
dishonest to even speak as if it were so. which it isn't.
it'll take so much fear and stress out of the atmosphere too. no more false associations and triggers and function corruption.
anyway. can't talk any more about this. wrecking me emotionally & mentally.
...
we tried to find something nice on tubi to watch afterwards but made the mistake of looking in
animeand every female we saw was either infantile, hypersexual, or a demonic mix of BOTH
made us so angry and upset we almost got suicidal. don't want to live in this world
mom called, she was coming up to give us food she made and we had to leave the car off at the garage? to fix the tires (it's her car, we're just borrowing it)
couldn't find any music to play on the way up. looking at recent spotify likes. genesis pointed out this one from the new pinocchio movie? which we want to see but can't because netflix is satanic and we refuse to get it. but the song is "better tomorrows." it matches him a lot; different side of him than we usually see but it's very him. warmer amber. he was singing it to me in headspace, bringing xenophon in too. she was delighted. i gotta admit he got a real smile out of me. it meant so much, this sudden sincere effort to console me. i love him a lot. i really do.
anyway the car switch & drive was over and done fast, mom wasn't even paying attention the whole time, just listening to talking books and making phone calls. we tried not to listen, no offense to her but her books are often very triggering. could be topic, the reader voice, both. we're so exhausted and tired of media. hate it so much. even kid's stuff is corrupt now.
got back to the apartment for 7pm. super late to be finally eating dinner. our head was spinning
unfortunately mom sent up fish. biggest trauma trigger food
the girls TRIED to eat it. couldn't. profoundly disturbing.
ended up purging immediately. threw out the rest, all of it. threw that immediately in the garbage chute so we'd be "safe." whole process took less than 10 minutes and NO bingeing. still shook us up terribly
dinner was fine. i was hard dissociated though. couldn't focus, couldn't read bible, couldn't taste anything. mind a blur. too shaken from everything
still shared fortune cookies and egg-muffin with xenophon. did i mention she "doesn't like mushy foods?" like oatmeal or yogurt. she likes things that are crunchy and "bitey." but she's fine with eggs? said they aren't mushy they're "wiggly." you still have to bite them. she's so weird and adorable i love her so much
after dinner cleaned up immediately. with no sun chips to eat the girls are silent, not even senseable. no triggers. interesting to note that. that manic girl still tries to cheat with raisins but xenophon calls me back in and puts a stop to it. considering removing them all from the house anyway. we don't eat them anymore now that we're stabiizing and they hurt our teeth anyway.
craving carrots a lot. i think it's just the hard crunch. we store stress in our teeth. explains a lot of binge behavior. just want to
bite and destroy. we have to be careful. need better outlet, need better anger management, need to deal with this hellish trauma in the first place
i am so tired and nauseous and sick. literally no capacity left to type; gonna go sleep it off.
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