may 14 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

I've been wondering for weeks, why are there graveyards at the borders of the pink realm?
I just realized why.
That is heartbreakingly sad.


Sadness is something I'm struggling with lately.
A good part of me feels that "I shouldn't be feeling it;" it's "silly" or "immature" or "incorrect" or "foolish." Basically, "you have no reason to be sad, just smile and move on."
I want to. I want to. But the problem is, I'm spitting on the sanctity of life with all this plagued apathy
Mourning isn't bad, is it?
It's such an alien concept to me. It leaves aching raw rifts in my chest. I've never really mourned anything. The concept is alien to me and yet part of me, some deep ridiculous part of me, wants to.
A lot of our System people have that. Laurie does. I don't know why she does, with all her armor, all her courageous edges and rage. But it breaks through her sometimes. She can feel more than anyone else in Central, I think, besides Infinitii of course.

We accidentally pulled an old "Johnny-nighter" yesterday. Someone apparently typed like 13 pages in Microsoft Word and posted it, then looked at the clock and noticed it was 5:11. I have no idea what the heck they wrote but I'm going to have to read it. There are like three unfinished documents open still on this screen and I don't know what to do with those either. They will be finished on their own.

The therapist wants us to draw up a "map" of alter function/creation relationships in headspace. We laughed when she said "draw a map," we said "what kind?" there are like... ten different kinds of maps we could draw up. I think we're going to do ALL of them. We have most stuff mapped in folders or on this computer anyway. It'll be fun, and connective affectionately inside, to do that tomorrow. It'll help stave off the depression and self-abuse, which is always good.
We need to meditate more, in this house at least. We meditate a lot when we're out. It's easier. But at home, we need to. Kyanos is working very actively with the rest of Central now and he's surprisingly tied to meditation so hey, we'll ask him to remind us.
Laurie was right. It really is richer in here than it's been in many many months. Which is surprising, things are still tough, we're still struggling a LOT, with old things needing to be healed and untangled and transmuted for others. But it's so bright in here again. I'm so thankful. It just happned, all at once almost, overnight like spring flowers after the first rain in April. The woods is beautiful up here, I want to take pictures for you, tomorrow if it's not raining super hard I will.

Spring is oddly dangerous, the spring/summer are always oddly dangerous because there's this raw creative energy in the air and, thanks to the "programming" it can make us dissociate badly. It's a topic listed for another entry, a big interesting personal one that we actually are looking forward to writing, because it will require us to be HONEST and stand up for what we REALLY feel, not what we are being told or ordered to feel. Plus it's nice, so nice, to go within your own self(ves) and feel your own life, glowing in there. It's nice, to have that grandiosity of sheer creation, of a universe all folded up like a sphere, like a marble in your pocket, like a bubble on a chain, resting against your sternum. It's nice to feel that living and joyous and real, right inside of us, in US, AS us.
It's nice. It never goes away no matter what anyone else says to us, and that means so much.

We need to buy a new binder soon. Someone remembered today. We haven't had one in years, Cannon's old one got really busted up and it became unsafe to wear it at the time because the family found out and was threatening us. So we're saving up for a new one. We saw this one today and Jay wants it, haha. Maybe!


I'm sorry. We haven't been eating or sleeping well and this body hasn't had any water in hours and we feel bad that we're making it sick, but really it's all small negligences adding up. Big abuses have stopped due to lack of passion, lack of motivation, lack of righteous fury. It's just... it's not good. I typoe'd that as "not god," feels significant. sorry lots of prophet feelings today. need to find a better word for that that doesn't have abrahamic connotations, we don't want to steal terms or redefine common words if we can help it, that's half of this trauma problem the way it is.

lots LOTS of good leaguework lately though, parnassus is STILL TALKING but now that we've finally tossed the "greek mythology" obsessive cage out the window, it's TALKING VERY CLEARLY and the plot is just EXPLODING. it's so exciting. the ACTUAL STORY is revealing itself now. and i'm sorry for all the caps but this is so so great.
jewel was doing tons of gemology research the other day for it, we FINALLY found all the tech stuff explained in simpler terms that we can understand, without becoming obsessively analytical and things. basically just the bare bones important facts. that's all we need, we don't need to become professors on this topic. we don't. we're using it as a springboard for creativity. and it's exactly what data we needed to find for this road to continue, i love that, it's like puzzle pieces opening up a larger picture bit by bit.

spice says to remind you don't eat coconut, it makes us very sick, don't eat it. same with lentils they are 100% confirmed problematic. save your money, seriously trying for a twentieth time isn't going to make you any less sick.
also the cherries be careful with those because although you (?) like them the body doesn't like fruit/ sugar yet, it might never like that stuff either so don't "force it" either. careful.

oh remind me i can't today, but i want to talk about this innerworld and how it is changing, evolving since the massacre in 2014, we were talking about it in central yesterday, with the levels. and the "color realms" we're trying to build, need a better name maybe? less generic? no clue. but it feels wonderful and strange and i want to talk about it. color symbolism just blooming into so much more, all the energy potential being made manifest. i use the word "blooming" a lot with that sort of energetic movement but really it's the only word that fits. a slow unfurling mathematic soft explosion. not math as in numbers but math as in golden ratios and things. words have so many vibes. i can hear colors in voices and sounds again i am so excited i missed that

btw this whole "mindspill" form of tying often isn't a "person" it's raw feelings, general core/host shared feelings and truths and things that get routed through the a.p. it's not an identity writing, it's a conglomerate experience,
oh yes gem fusions, steven universe is just as bad as pokemon they are mirroring so much of dreamworld and headspace, it's insane and kind of makes us feel creeped out sometimes (are they using our concepts on purpose? are they shared concepts that we're both tuning into? mostly worries about eventual "idea conflict" though) but more than anything we're so glad to see "our" concepts OUT there. so adopting different expressions inside is cool and nice too. like the metainomenai phenomenon. haven't touched on that internally in a while, it's very fluid and tied to the more floaty levels of headspace, where things bleed into d3 and leaguespace and stuff. outer realms, rainbow spaces. it's interesting stuff. like i said gotta talk about it another day because i love to.

um what else. fill out the forms, do the maps, check the date for saturday, exercise more. get your psychospiritual practice going again. plan that painting too. write a song. good stuff bro you gotta focus on the good stuff, IN YOURSELF, that's the key thing, stop looking outside it all feels like plastic and it's not what your heart needs.


it's late maybe i should just close this up and sleep. i'm just typing in intervals anyway. just wanted some thoughts down.