082626

Aug. 26th, 2026 07:44 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


This is... this is everything I need to hear, this is straight to my deepest heart, thank You God
https://youtu.be/LAKfcHE-na8?is=Zs2xwwgF4rLT-DBd

Reading Prince Caspian today!

SO MUCH NOISE & SHOUTING & MOVEMENT & PEOPLE AROUND TODAY
I AM ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMED
BUT THIS TOO IS GOD'S WILL AND I MUST DESIRE IT AS SUCH.
Besides... this might be the last time I get to hear Shahrooz making such a din in the hallway. After Monday he will be gone, and I will miss this noise terribly. I know this. So God bless this holy commotion. It is the sign of a beloved life.

This article is so powerfully moving & beautiful & true & encouraging & pure
https://www.wordonfire.org/articles/god-of-the-mundane-recapturing-the-dignity-of-toilet-cleaning

Very late BK because I did have to recover from all the noise & busyness

Ponder these much, much more. There's a lot of very deep and sharp personal relevance here that NEEDS to sink in and stick hard. 
https://www.americamagazine.org/good-word/2026/08/26/jesus-wounds-compassion-homily/?
https://www.americamagazine.org/good-word/2026/01/14/homily-john-baptist-jesus-time/
https://youtu.be/8SxPMFPO4eE?is=Y1ibmAoSXW50vqpI

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/how-to-handle-a-bad-sexual-past
WE MADE THE EXACT SAME FATAL MISTAKE WHEN WE FIRST TRIED TO "RECOVER" FROM TRAUMA
THAT WAS THE GERM OF INFINITII'S KILLING DISEASE
...in any case we need to read more Catholic articles on this, when we get the guts and the nerve and the stomach to do so. It's scary and disturbing and triggers a LOT of rage and terror and anguished despair. But if we don't face this thing, this ancient wound, we will continue to die slowly.


Night =

Stayed up late to finish Prince Caspian while listening to Margaret Rizza 


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/kng/hebrews-11.html
⚠️MAJOR MARNING =  DISPENSATIONALISM ⚠️
(i.e. five solas, no unified historical church, premillennialism, Christian zionism, literal interpretation of Scripture, rapture, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, penal substitutionary atonement)

The [Patriarchs literally molded their lives around God's Promises, with an eye to eternity, and not only openly spoke of all such things as CERTAIN to come, but based all their decisions upon the EXPECTATION and PREPARATION for RECEIVING those fulfillments– EVEN if only IN eternity! These men existed at the very beginning of the Plan of Salvation, and so the entire tenor of their lives SHOWED their] faith IN ACTION, [as actively "laying the groundwork" for everything to come, so to speak– and so this was all done] with the VIEW to the FUTURE, [which was something BRAND NEW and UNPRECEDENTED and even UNFATHOMABLE TO MAN, and yet which was nevertheless ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED BY THE VIRTUE OF GOD'S INFALLIBLE & EFFECTUAL WORDS CONCERNING IT. The future which God's People were looking forward to in hope and thus already living for in faith was a future that NONE of them would have EVER imagined nor perhaps even believed, had not God Himself told them it was to be so. And so their future was one of PURE FAITH, grounded solely on PROMISE– especially for the earlier believers like Noah, who had literally no precedent for such faith other than recent(!) ancestral memories of Abel and Enoch! God's Plan was still ENTIRELY A MYSTERY to him, and yet HE TRUSTED, because THIS WAS GOD, and taking God at His Word– and thus ACTING ACCORDINGLY– was literally ALL that Noah had to do. Noah was living on RAW FAITH, just straight-up Trust in God, regardless of every other circumstance, and THAT was the powerful fuel for the blazing fire of HOPE in his soul, a hope for GOD’S FUTURE, for a NEW LIFE in a NEW WORLD, "where righteousness would be at home" (2 Peter 3:13). Of course he did not see the fulfillment of this in its entirety– No one will until Christ returns!– but he STILL believed in its REALITY, as it having been foreshadowed in the PROMISE of the cleansing Flood as a PATTERN, and thus necessarily flowing from the very CHARACTER of GOD, Who NEVER CHANGES HIS MIND (Job 23:13, Numbers 23:19) OR HIS PURPOSES (Hebrews 6:17, Isaiah 46:10), and therefore EVERYTHING He has willed at ONE time MUST be true for ALL time– so by FAITH Noah could even understand that there WAS to be an ULTIMATE fulfillment of this as-yet-incomplete Intention of God to "destroy all lawlessness" (Genesis 3:15, 6:11-13, Revelation 20:7-10) and thus restore the earth to its original purity and goodness (CCC 1042-1048, Genesis 1:31, Revelation 21:1). And THIS is really what the ENTIRE PLAN OF SALVATION IS ABOUT. Therefore, from the very beginning, FAITH has been about LOOKING FORWARD to GOD'S PROMISES and LIVING ACCORDING TO THAT FUTURE in such a way as to practically WITNESS TO ITS REALITY NOW. But true faith goes BEYOND time, of course, because SO DOES GOD, and DEATH IS NOT AND WAS NEVER GOD'S WILL FOR US (Wisdom 1:13-15); therefore IT WILL BE DEFEATED IN THE END, and indeed it HAS been THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, Who IS the FULFILLMENT of EVERY PROMISE because HE IS THE PLAN OF SALVATION, AND ALWAYS WAS (Mark 1:15, 1 Peter 1:18-21, Ephesians 1:3-12, 2 Timothy 1:19, Galatians 4:4, Romans 16:25-26)– AND BY HIS PASCHAL MYSTERY OF TOTALLY SELF-SACRIFICIAL LOVE (CCC 604-605, 616, 620) AND PERFECTLY FAITHFUL OBEDIENCE (CCC 606-607, 615, 623), WHICH OVERCOMES SIN AND DEFEATS DEATH (CCC 654, Romans 5:6-21)– AND WHICH ISRAEL'S ENTIRE HISTORY FORESHADOWED IN TYPES AND SIGNS (CCC 652, 1222) JESUS UNLOCKS THE FLOODGATES OF GRACE AND RESTORES HUMANITY TO THE ETERNAL LIFE THEY WERE CREATED TO HAVE, BUT ONLY THROUGH CHRIST (CCC 001, 45, 54-55, 161, 163, 612, 658, 1721, 1726-1727, 1817, 1996-1998, 2009; Titus 1:2, 1 Peter 1:3, 1 John 2:24-25, 5:10-13, 2 Timothy 1:1, John 3:16+36, 6:47, 10:28, 11:25-26, 17:2-3, 20:31, Romans 6:23)!!! Therefore, ALL Faith in God's Promises ALWAYS means LIVING FOR ETERNITY through LIVING IN THE LIGHT OF CHRIST. This has been the truth since Adam and Eve. And so, for all of us, during our whole lives on earth, our faith is STILL lived out with a "view to the FUTURE," although Christ HAS come in history– because we STILL wait "in blessed hope" (Ephesians 4:4, Titus 2:11-14) not only for the Parousia (CCC 933; 1 Thessalonians 1:10, 2 Thessalonians 1:10-12, Philippians 3:20-21, 1 Peter 1:13-16), but even for our own death and judgment and entrance into eternity, because THAT is when– GOD WILLING, and ONLY by God's GRACE and MERCY and our COOPERATION with it (CCC 155, 311, 679, 1987-2029!, 2052-2055, 2061-2062, 2611, 2632; Matthew 7:21, 15:8, 19:17, John 3:3, 5:24, 6:29, 10:27, 13:34-35, Philippians 2:13, Romans 2:6-16, 5:1-2, 1 John 2:4, 3:18+23, James 1:22, 2:17+26)– we will receive ALL the Promises PERSONALLY through our UNION with Jesus Himself in heaven FOREVER.
But I have gone on so long with this blessed tangent that I have exhausted my thought processes.
So to conclude, and reconnect with the initiating statement, all the holy men and women of old, in LIVING BY FAITH in God and His Words– for our faith is ONLY REAL IF IT IS ACTED UPON– did so with their eyes and hearts set on "WHAT WAS TO COME," and yet only inasmuch as GOD SAID it was to come. They surrendered all thoughts as to timelines and circumstances, and simply WAITED and PREPARED and EXPECTED, because they TRUSTED, and so they OBEYED in the sense of conforming their every decision to God's Promises as if they were already a present reality. In this way, their entire lives demonstrated] the “ASSURANCE of things HOPED FOR". [They each lived with a new and shining and courageous] faith that looks FORWARD [to God's unfolding Plan, only recently begun to be revealed to mankind in earnest, an unimaginable to the human mind– but nevertheless everything that the human heart could ever desire, for their souls KNEW what and Whom they were made for and so when they heard God's Words of Promise, they RECOGNIZED Him, and REJOICED, and "left EVERYTHING to follow Him" (Matthew 4:20, Luke 11:28), wanting nothing else but what FAITH now saw ahead (Philippians 3:7-11), and NEVER LOOKING BACK.]

[The next] examples of faith [in the time of the Judges] clarify how faith OPERATES as “CONVICTION of things NOT SEEN" [and yet which are NOT IN THE FUTURE!!! Whereas the previous examples of faith dealt more with TIME, these deal more with SPACE??? This is the side of faith that BELIEVES IN SPIRITUAL REALITIES not merely "to come," but RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
"The unseen" refers to the TRUTH that in this very second we are surrounded by, even existing within, a greater and truer and eternal SPIRITUAL Reality, one that is completely undetectable to our physical senses, and which escapes the comprehension of science. And yet, it affects everything we do in this life, and it is the true location of the destiny towards which we are all headed].
[This is a] faith that looks UPWARD [as one looks to the sun behind the clouds, and the stars invisible past the blue sky, and TRUSTS that they are there nevertheless– just like Abraham did (Genesis 15:5-6), because God has ASSURED us that they ARE. This faith, having not only heard and trusted the WORDS of God, but ALSO having seen and believes the WORKS of God, doesn't so much "look ahead" for "further demonstrations"– as that, in this case, might actually weaken faith– as it "looks UP" when there ARE no "visible proofs" to be seen, STILL TRUSTING in what it NEVERTHELESS KNOWS BY FAITH, by REMEMBERING what God HAS said and done, and TRUSTING that GOD DOESN'T CHANGE. This side of faith is radically powerful and it even FUELS the other side ("looking forward") because it is ONLY through this gracious capacity to "FIX ONE'S EYES ON GOD HIMSELF," as a REALITY that both transcends and undergirds EVERYTHING– whether or not we feel or see this Reality at the moment– that we are ENABLED to LIVE by faith at ALL, because even when our life is oriented towards ETERNITY, we STILL have to deal with the RIGHT NOW, because OUR TODAY DETERMINES OUR FOREVER. And God IS WITH US TODAY, not just in the future, and we NEED to remember that, because ironically that is sometimes SO MUCH HARDER than believing in a unseen future, as our very visible today can easily (and often does) blind us with its contradictions and uncertainties and fears and (above all) sins. To have faith enough to "lift up our eyes" in the MIDST of all that– to look up at the stars even as we're lying in the gutter– THAT is a GREAT grace, and yet an ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY one for ALL Christians. And so, yes, GOD GIVES IT. Ironically, that door swings both ways– the grace IS ours to RECEIVE, as fully and completely as we ever need, if only we TRUST that God IS giving it to us, RIGHT THEN when we need it the most... right there in the darkness and dregs of life. And THAT is when the "forward" faith steps in to help the "upward" faith, because God's Promises never fail and they also never expire, and when Jesus promised to "be with you always" He made no exceptions. The moment you trust those words, and "look forward" to their "coming true" (because in your moment of anguish you probably cannot feel it IS true), then you CAN raise your eyes to heaven in HOPE– and AS YOU DO, God's "eternal Now" crashes into your temporal reality and you will KNOW His Words are true, FOR YOU, in that exact moment.
Am I rambling? This is hard to phrase. Let me return to the paragraph, because that helps sum it up.
"Upward" faith] TRUSTS that God is [RIGHT NOW] PRESENT in hardships, and that He GIVES STRENGTH TO ENDURE.
Here you SEE the ENERGY of faith that RESTS IN GOD in the MIDST of
[even the most tumultuous] circumstances.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 This faith OVERCOMES the power of the devil AND the charms and difficulties of the world.
[INSANELY, THE DEVIL TEMPTS US IN REGARDS TO THIS WORLD, AND THUS WITH NO THOUGHTS OF ETERNAL OR SPIRITUAL REALITIES?????? SO SIN EXISTS IN A SPACE UTTERLY DEVOID OF FAITH AND HOPE????]

🌟🌟‼️‼️Moses's parents ENCOUNTERED the command of the mighty pharaoh BY their faith.
[Significant phrasing? They did NOT blindly or automatically or thoughtlessly "react" to it, EITHER to obey or refuse it; rather they "met" this command "in person," "face to face," without pretense or ignorance or dissociation or indifference, carefully looking at it and closely discerning it through the lens of FAITH, as they surely did for ALL their choices, and thus they responded with sobriety and intelligence, making an "informed decision," in the harmony of REASON and FAITH agreeing in SUBMISSION TO GOD.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️Ordinarily, people ARE to obey LEGAL law, but this was a situation where [the Pharaoh’s valid right to make and enforce a law was being ABUSED for both SELFISH and GRAVELY IMMORAL ends, and therefore] GOD was to be obeyed RATHER than men.
(Acts 4:19 = "You must judge whether IN GOD'S EYES it is right to listen to you and not to God!") [A subtle but bold moral challenge and rebuke to their persecutors = it obviously is NOT!]
(Acts 5:29 = "Obedience to God comes BEFORE obedience to men.") [A PRINCIPLE AT ALL TIMES!]

The FAITH of Moses's parents DISCOVERED in this child something exceptional to GOD. “They SAW he was a beautiful child”... beautiful TO GOD.
[This strikes me as so meaningful. If we don't have faith in God, then we cannot see God in other people. If we don't believe that God willed every soul to exist on purpose and for a purpose, then we won't see the irreplaceable value of every person we meet. If we don't trust that eternity exists and both heaven and hell are real and Jesus died for every person on earth, then we won't feel any need to protect and cherish and save every human life at any cost, especially in regards to the fate of their soul. Basically, without faith, we CANNOT "discover" the TRUE Beauty of ANYTHING, for all real and deep and lasting beauty IS "beauty to God"– for ALL beauty is HIS, a reflection of His Own Nature, and for His glory and praise in love.]
Therefore they did not deliver him into the hands of MURDERERS, but they hid him AT HOME.
[I don't know why that sentence hits especially hard for me, but it does. Maybe it's because our modern culture specifically refuses to use such horrifically accurate language to describe what is being done to countless innocent unborn children at this very moment, all around the world...]
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️That was not an easy thing to do, especially because [the story seems to suggest] that their home was VERY CLOSE TO THE PALACE OF THE KING.
[This feels symbolically relevant?]
🌟🌟🌟🌟Nevertheless, THEY COUNTED ON IT THAT GOD WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MOSES.
This is a beautiful example for all young parents who are aware of the BLOODTHIRSTINESS OF THE WORLD wherein they live and wherein their children also have to learn to find their way.
Faith COUNTS ON GOD for PROTECTION, AND MAKES EFFORT to PROTECT and GUIDE the child on its life path.

[ALWAYS COOPERATION!!!!]





081226

Aug. 12th, 2026 10:06 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)



Still so tired & sore. But at least we got closer to 7 hours of sleep last night at last.

Finished this video at last, here are the last striking points
His perspective on Divine Mercy has me REELING, please think very much about this
(and read Saint Faustina's Diary at last for heaven's sakes!!!!)
https://youtu.be/XKNMThu3jQI?t=8576&is=qWH51Y_C6vwKOkhZ
https://youtu.be/XKNMThu3jQI?t=8934&is=ZIXggMXS8KJfLiek
https://youtu.be/XKNMThu3jQI?t=9445&is=dKmjXZdL_CoPM6_g

GOD IS SPEAKING VERY LOUDLY & PRECISELY AGAIN TODAY

AGAINST MY FEARFUL ARROGANCE =
https://youtube.com/shorts/ZwRLi3fIyFs?is=JkUBiZY2G8R40Ig5
https://youtube.com/shorts/2x0mjUzhyIM?is=NTYHNTSqiHHHbNt0
https://youtube.com/shorts/rYrmEIfUXJI?is=tNO5MXEtdLkp_TUP

OCD/ CONTROL/ INTIMACY FEAR =
https://youtu.be/drV9Mcl43II?is=M4iRzbndj0pzLeTf
https://youtu.be/uvNuiORBdsA?is=BF5ryjCA95eaxIwm
https://youtu.be/t71UFBW6xJs?is=gUGExfseFwLsussq
https://youtu.be/t71UFBW6xJs?is=4KPwMc7mjfqo-H3x
https://youtube.com/shorts/up-dDEzDDFc?is=OUYi2YjeZs3ii563
https://youtube.com/shorts/rHxoVRSA2Ho?is=8tcMP9YZ4GhwKO9H
https://youtube.com/shorts/JHShoMIvJVk?is=5sSu-RsEWS3FmKgd
https://youtube.com/shorts/gT95wMhYUfU?is=CsfizihgQzJe4Sia
https://youtube.com/shorts/tMXe0YoV-PY?is=ToO_dedlNd1VWrnG
https://youtube.com/shorts/BtcVHgZ7YB0?is=BOXTaoeeEv2b82TA

AND SPECIFICALLY FOR INFI =
https://youtu.be/XbNUmCptRmA?is=D-9EvcJrDi1OCrrk


LETHE & MEDALLION HELPING INFI HELP ME TODAY
SUDDENLY REALIZED THE BREAKTHROUGH =
WE NEED OCD DAENGELS!!!!!!
1. AXIS HAS ALREADY BEEN CALLED INTO ACTION FOR "FEELING DIRTY"
2. "ITCHING" = THERE'S A FEMALE MOSQUITO DAENGEL ALREADY FORMING
3. "BAD SMELLS"
4. "BAD TOUCHES" (IF NOT INFI)
5. "INFECTIOUS CONTACT"
5. "PRICKLE"
6. "CARTOON INTRUSION" FIGHTER????
7. "UNCLEAN MOUTH" (+DRINKING TERROR???)
THAT'S WHAT WE NEED IMMEDIATELY
KEEP TRACK OF ANY & ALL OTHER TRIGGERS AND WRITE THEM DOWN BLUNTLY; WE NEED TO DEAL WITH THIS WITH BRAVE DIRECTNESS AND WITH BRUTAL HONESTY BECAUSE DAENGELS CANNOT WORK WITH DENIAL.
IF WE KEEP TRYING TO HIDE OR IGNORE OR SUPPRESS OR "SUGARCOAT" OR "EUPHEMIZE" OR OTHERWISE "DISTORT/DECEIVE" THE REAL AND HUMILIATING PROBLEMS, WE WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO FAIL. WE'RE BEING HYPOCRITICAL COWARDS AND IT'S MAKING OUR HEART WEAK AND SICK AND COLD AND HARD.
THE ONLY WAY TO FIX THAT IS TO BREAK IT OPEN WITH SOFT FIRE.
DAENGELS "FORCE" YOU TO COME FACE TO FACE WITH YOUR PAIN, TO LOOK AT YOUR WOUND DIRECTLY IN THE EYES.
THEIR VERY EXISTENCE OBLIGATES TRUTH AND CONFESSION, BUT NOT ONLY BECAUSE THEY EMBODY IT– IT'S ALSO BECAUSE THEY EMBODY LOVE AND MERCY ALONGSIDE IT.
DAENGELS ARE NOT DIVINE BUT GOD KNOWS THEY REFLECT A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF DIVINE LIGHT FOR GOD'S SAKE AND THAT'S WHY THEY TOO SAY "BE NOT AFRAID".
THEIR ENTIRE PURPOSE IS TO BRING US CLOSER TO GOD BY FORCING US TO STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM THE CROSS.

A THOUGHT =
DID WE EVER "MAP" THE DAENGEL COLOR SPECTRUM???? (I THINK WE STARTED; IT HAD WEIRD COLORS LIKE STYGIAN BLUE)
IN ANY CASE REMEMBER IN THE "NEW CITY" (WHICH HAS NOT BEEN "BUILT" YET AND IT'S BEEN ALMOST A BLOODY DECADE) THE COLORS ALL NEED TO CORRESPOND TO VIRTUES/ CHARISMS/ ETC.???
WE'VE NOT YET DISCERNED THAT OUT EITHER AND WE MUST = THE SYSTEM ACTUALLY STARTED OUT THAT WAY (LUKE 10:27)!!!!!
WOULD 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7 BE THE DAENGEL BIT????

IN ANY CASE DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF THE ONE WHO "SITS IN THE CHAIR" OF THIS CATHEDRAL. WE EXIST FOR HIM AND WE ARE NOTHING WITHOUT HIM. WE MUST NEVER BECOME SO FOCUSED ON THE BEAUTY OF THE DESIGN THAT WE FORGET THE BEAUTIFUL DESIGNER, THE SOURCE AND SUMMIT AND SUSTAINER AND STANDARD OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN US.
WHATEVER WE DO AND DISCOVER, WHATEVER WE ARE AND HAVE, EVERYTHING IS FROM HIM AND FOR HIM.
HE IS THE HEART OF THIS SYSTEM. HE IS THE RAINBOW WE REFLECT. HE IS THE ONLY LIGHT THAT TURNS US FROM DEAD GLASS INTO A PRISM OF HIS LIFE WITHIN US.
REMEMBER THIS TRUTH. REMEMBER THIS GRACE AND HOPE AND LOVE THAT GOD HAS SO GENEROUSLY AND MIRACULOUSLY GIVEN TO US POOR BROKEN THINGS, AND HAS THUS CALLED US TO SHARE THOSE VERY GIFTS BOTH INSIDE AND OUTSIDE IN RESPONSE.
GOD HAS BROUGHT BRILLIANT COLOR OUT OF DEEPEST DARKNESS AND THIS IS OUR TRUE PURPOSE AND IT IS ALL JOY.




Night
Wasted two hours rereading Imagni
Crying from how empty and angry it made me feel
So ugly and useless and pointless
I AM NOT AN ARTIST AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE

remembering the Cannon days
what do I still miss so desperately about them?
whatever it is, that's why in reacting so violently to this webcomic
not merely in concept but in timeframe


So sad. So hungry. So tired.
I want to sleep all day tomorrow and not eat
But I'm so damn hungry
God I don't know what to do


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

CATHOLIC COMMENTARY TIME!
(I may actually read these two from the beginning (I'm literally just jumping into them now as I just found them) once we finish the epistle as a whole? Just for a corrective & trustworthy refresher, now that we're thoroughly familiar with both the epistle itself and with the Protestant perspective on it in unfortunate potential contrast)

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/cgt/hebrews-11.html

...It would have been fatal to the peace of mind of a Jewish convert to feel that there was a chasm between his Christian faith
[which gave him a "new life"] and the [Jewish] faith of his past [mode of] life [to which he was basically being called to "die" in order to be REBORN into the FULLNESS of that life???].
🌟
🌟🌟🌟🌟The writer wishes to shew that THERE IS NO PAINFUL DISCONTINUITY IN THE RELIGIOUS CONVICTIONS OF HEBREW CONVERTS. [TRAGICALLY NOT TRUE FOR PAGAN CONVERTS THOUGH; remember this distinction when reading & applying this epistle]
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️They COULD [and SHOULD] STILL enjoy the "VIATICUM" of good examples [OF FAITH] set forth in their O.T. Scriptures.
[THIS IS STUNNING LANGUAGE???? "Viaticum" is "the FINAL EUCHARISTIC COMMUNION BEFORE DEATH"; literally ON THE VERY THRESHOLD OF IT– the word means “FOOD FOR THE JOURNEY" INTO ETERNAL LIFE!!!
IS THIS STUNNING USAGE OF THE TERM REFERRING TO THE JEWISH CONVERT'S NECESSARY "DEATH" TO "THE LAW" (Galatians 2:19, Romans 7:4, Colossians 2:20-23)– WHICH JUSTLY CONDEMNED SIN BUT COULD NEVER MERCIFULLY GIVE GRACE TO STOP SINNING (Romans 3:20, 5:21, 7:1-25, 8:2-4, Hebrews 10:1-23, 1 Corinthians 15:56-57, 2 Corinthians 3:6, Galatians 3:10-13)– A "DEATH TO DEATH" THAT ACTUALLY OCCURRED THROUGH BAPTISM INTO CHRIST'S DEATH (Romans 6:3-11), AND THUS ALSO (IN A SPIRITUAL SENSE) REBORN INTO HIS RESURRECTED LIFE (Colossians 2:12, 3:1, Ephesians 2:5-6?), AS PART OF HIS MYSTICAL BODY, THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH (1 Corinthians 12:27, Colossians 1:18, Ephesians 1:22-23), WHERE THEY ALREADY POSSESSED ETERNAL LIFE THROUGH HIS SPIRIT NOW DWELLING IN THEM (John 14:17, Romans 8:9-11, 1 Corinthians 3:16, Galatians 4:4-7) THROUGH THEIR BAPTISMAL FAITH (Galatians 3:14, John 3:36, 5:24, 1 John 5:13, Romans 15:13)???? AND THEIR "JOURNEY INTO" THE NEW LIFE OF GRACE WAS NOURISHED BY THIS "LAST COMMUNION" OF FAITH IN THE PROMISE OF THE MESSIAH– THE "MANNA" FAITH OF ALL THOSE BELIEVERS– FROM ABEL ON DOWN, REMEMBER!!!– WHO HELD FAST TO FAITH IN THE COMING OF THE CHRIST??? BUT THE CHRIST HAS NOW FINALLY COME INTO THE WORLD, AND THAT LONG-AWAITED MESSIAH IS JESUS!!!! THUS NOW, FOR THESE HEBREWS, IT WAS FAITH IN JESUS, AS THE FULFILLMENT OF THEIR HOPES AND THUS THE TRUE OBJECT OF THEIR FAITH, THAT WAS THEIR "FOOD FOR THE JOURNEY"— AND LITERALLY SO (John 6:53-58)— AS THEY DAILY "DIED TO SELF" (Luke 9:23-24, Romans 12:1, Galatians 2:20) AND FOLLOWED HIM, ULTIMATELY INTO THE TRUE "PROMISED LAND" OF THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, THAT VERY "HOMELAND" AND "CITY" THAT ABRAHAM HIMSELF HAD HOPED FOR (Galatians 3:29, Hebrews 12:22)– AND YET ITS GATES HAD BEEN LOCKED SINCE EDEN (Genesis 3:22-24), AWAITING THE ONE WHO HELD THE KEYS (Revelation 1:17-18, 3:7, Isaiah 22:22, Matthew 16:19)!!!!
But oh man I have gotten WAY off topic. Its because I'm brainstorming and reasoning it out as best I can with my paltry knowledge. But the term was so striking, it necessitated immediate thought.
If I can attempt to summarize = the faith of the OT saints was "Eucharistic" because it was still fixed on the Messiah, Jesus Christ, specifically in His Real Presence to come into the world. They did not see Him, but they believed He "was there" in the future, because God had SAID He was. For the NT saints, their faith was Eucharistic because it was fixed on the exact same Promised Messiah Who HAD now come into the world, just as God had said, and the Apostles DID see Him "right there, right now", and so DID enjoy His Real Presence TANGIBLY AMONG them. And BY His coming, Jesus ALSO fulfilled ALL the "other" Promises God had spoken over the ages! And so for these Hebrew converts, the OLD "Eucharistic faith," the one in TYPES, like the MANNA, had actually ENDED– in a real sense IT HAD "DIED," never to live again– but ONLY because NOW it was entering a "JOURNEY" INTO TRUE LIFE, because that SAME FAITH was now REBORN and RESURRECTED into a NEW life, to subsist on the TRUE "bread from heaven," JESUS CHRIST. And THIS is the FULLEST "Eucharistic faith"– the one that was ONLY POSSIBLE AFTER JESUS'S ASCENSION, BY THE DESCENT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT UPON THE CHURCH. Now we have the ACTUAL Eucharist– the REAL PRESENCE of the Messiah fulfilling EVERY Sacrifice and EVERY Law and giving EVERY grace, to LITERALLY be WITH us and WITHIN us "until the end of time" (Matthew 28:20), and we believe this BECAUSE HE SAID IT (Luke 22:19-20, 1 Corinthians 11:23-26). We have the "viaticum" of the past Promises of Hope in Christ, and we WILL have the true Viaticum of the future Promises of Hope in Christ. From the beginning to the end it has always been about Jesus Christ, the Messiah, our Eucharistic Lord, "God With Us," Son of God and Son of Mary, Divine Word and Heavenly Bread and Covenant Blood, Creator and Judge and Redeemer and Friend and Bridegroom and Brother and LORD. The Faith is forever the same, for HE is eternally the same, and death has no power over Him.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ THEIR FAITH [IN GOD THE FATHER, AND IN HIS SON, THE PROMISED MESSIAH, JESUS CHRIST] was IDENTICAL with, though TRANSCENDENTLY MORE BLESSED than, that [INEVITABLY MESSIANIC FAITH (John 14:1)?] which had SUSTAINED [AS "FOOD"=  FAITH IN CHRIST THE TRUE BREAD (John 6:47-51) = THE WORD OF GOD (Matthew 4:4) = THE FULFILLMENT OF EVERY PROMISE (2 Corinthians 1:19-20, Acts 13:32-33, Luke 24:44)???] the Patriarchs, Prophets, and Martyrs of their nation IN ALL PREVIOUS AGES.
🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤ THE PAST HISTORY OF THE CHOSEN PEOPLE WAS NOT DISCARDED OR DISCREDITED BY THE GOSPEL; on the contrary, [their history] was COMPLETED AND GLORIFIED.
[Because Jesus not only FULFILLED (and WILL CONTINUE to fulfill until the end of time) ALL OF GOD'S PROMISES to His people, thus "completing" the story in Himself, but He also GLORIFIED all the types and symbols and reflections, because JESUS IS GOD and thus thus ALL the historical foreshadowings of Him were now suffused with Divine Light??? In any case, the simple yet profound FACTS that not only was the HISTORY OF GOD the history of ISRAEL, and thus ONLY THEIR NATION had the Law and Promises and Prophets and Patriarchs, etc.– but ALSO that as a RESULT of this, the SAVIOR OF MANKIND was born from the HEBREWS; GOD HIMSELF was born as a JEW. This was the GREATEST POSSIBLE GLORY that their people and nation could EVER have enjoyed, and they DID! The Gospel did the exact opposite of "discarding" their history– it EMBRACED it and VALIDATED it and SANCTIFIED it and MADE IT THE HISTORY OF ALL THE FAITHFUL FOREVER, because EVERY CHRISTIAN IS ALSO AN "ISRAELITE" (Genesis 12:2-3, Psalm 87:5-6, Hebrews 12:22-23, Galatians 4:26). The Gospel elevated Israel from the "smallest of all nations" to the very greatest in all human history, because it was in and through the Chosen People that the Only-Begotten Son was born, to adopt ALL the faithful into His Family, and restore ALL men to God (Isaiah 2:1-3, Matthew 28:19, Luke 24:47, Romans 16:26, Acts 1:8, 13:47).]

The word “hypostasis ,” here rendered “substance,” as in 1:3, may mean =
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ (1) that underlying ESSENCE which gives REALITY to a thing. Faith gives a SUBJECTIVE REALITY to the ASPIRATIONS of hope.
(2) But it may be used in an ordinary and not a metaphysical sense for “BASIS,” FOUNDATION;
[Our faith (in God's Word) is the basis of our hopes (for the future); faith (trust) is the foundation of hope (expectation)]
(3) or for CONFIDENCE"... and this seems to be the most probable meaning of the word here.
(Hebrews 3:14 = "we have been granted a share with Christ only if we keep the grasp of our first CONFIDENCE firm to the end.")
("For if we are FAITHFUL to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ.")
("For we have become fellows with Christ (the Messiah) and share in all He has for us, if only we hold our first newborn confidence and original ASSURED EXPECTATION (in virtue of which we are believers) firm and unshaken to the end.")
("We were SURE about Christ when we first became his people. So let's hold tightly to our FAITH until the end.")
("We have become partners of Christ if only we hold the beginning of the REALITY firm until the end.")
("For we have been made participants IN Christ. This is only so, if we firmly retain the beginning of HIS SUBSTANCE, even unto the end.")

[SO YOU CAN SEE HOW ALL THE TRANSLATIONS LINE UP]

🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ not seen = i.e. which are AS YET invisible, BECAUSE they are ETERNAL and not temporal.
["As yet" implying that somehow, when we enter eternity ourselves, we WILL "see" them???]
(2 Corinthians 4:18 = "...what we aim for is not visible, but invisible. Visible things ARE transitory, but invisible things ARE eternal.")
[THIS IS A PRINCIPLE??????]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤❤❤❤ GOD HIMSELF belongs to the things AS YET unseen;
[BEATIFIC VISION!!!!!
Seriously though THIS FACT ALONE is PROOF that what is UNSEEN is FAR MORE REAL than EVERYTHING we can see!!!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️The word rendered “evidence” (of things unseen) means “DEMONSTRATION,” or “TEST" ...
[DOES THIS MEAN FAITH "TESTS" WHAT IS UNSEEN (SO AS TO "PROVE" IT)???? BECAUSE WHEN WE HAVE FAITH (SPECIFICALLY IN GOD!!! NOT IN ANYTHING ELSE!!!), WE ARE ENABLED TO PERCEIVE THE REALITY OF IT???]
...in this sense of the word, Faith DEMONSTRATES the EXISTENCE of the IMMATERIAL as though it WERE ACTUAL ["materially present"???].
[FIND SCRIPTURAL EXAMPLES OF THIS AND MEDITATE ON IT

In this chapter we find FIFTEEN SPECIAL INSTANCES of the work of faith...
[List them & apply them to System function?]

081026

Aug. 10th, 2026 09:03 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Woke up feeling so sick & sore

ANGRY about being 98.6 pounds. So tempted to go back to 1200k or less but I keep remembering what Father P said to me when I asked him if my gaining weight was "good" =
"Absolutely– we want there to be more of you, not less of you"


FINALLY PRECIOUS BLOOD
INFI TOOK IT?????
Ze was ACTUALLY IN MY BODY for a holy moment


Case manager today
I'M OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED WITH BPD
oh man that explains so stupidly much
But now I have more clarity as to my insanity
Now I can perhaps DO something CONSTRUCTIVE about it since I know WHAT I'm dealing with now

Laurie & Genesis getting me through Wegmans and OUT OF MANIA
"You've rubbed off on each other. You mellowed her out and she sharpened you up."
But oh wow talking to Genesis KEEPS ME SANE.
God I miss him SO MUCH
I NEED to commission a plushie of him, ideally from the girl who made the Chaos 0 one for me, because she used a LEGIT CABOCHON GEM for his Ruby (not a sewn shape like the other one has) and Genesis will need a gem too!


Night =
FINALLY FINDING MORE NEW MUSIC (Hohnen Ford yesterday, Garrett Williamson today)
Almost done with archiving July too!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-11/

⚠️WARNING = EVANGELICALISM⚠️
(i.e. five solas, "born again" experience, dispensationalism, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, penal substitutionary atonement)

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️Abraham DID step out in faith... but his faith was less than perfect. This is seen by COMPARING Genesis 12:1-5 with Acts 7:2-4, where it is evident that Abraham FIRST went HALFWAY to where God called him, and only EVENTUALLY obeyed COMPLETELY.
[To get this whole picture we ACTUALLY have to start at Genesis 11:31 = "One day Terah took his son Abram... and moved away from Ur of the Chaldeans. He was HEADED FOR the land of CANAAN, but they STOPPED AT HARAN and SETTLED THERE."
THIS WAS BEFORE GOD CALLED ABRAM, because 11:32 says that "Terah died in Haran," and then IMMEDIATELY in Genesis 12:1 "NOW the LORD said to Abram, "GO OUT from your country, your relatives, and your father's household TO THE LAND THAT I WILL SHOW YOU."
And THAT'S our reference context for the cited verses =
Genesis 12:4-5 = "So Abram departed, as the LORD had told him to... he left Haran... They set off for the land of Canaan, and arrived there."
BUT Acts 7:2 GIVES US DETAILS THAT SEEM TO CONTRADICT THE TIMING OF GENESIS????
"The God of glory appeared to our father Abraham WHILE HE WAS STILL IN MESOPOTAMIA, BEFORE HE LIVED IN HARAN, and told him, ‘Leave your country and your kindred and go to the land I will show you.’ So ABRAHAM left the land of the Chaldeans and settled in Haran. AFTER HIS FATHER DIED, GOD MADE HIM LEAVE THAT PLACE and COME TO THIS LAND where you are living today."
AND Genesis 15:7 = "The LORD said to Abram, "I am the LORD, WHO BROUGHT YOU OUT FROM UR OF THE CHALDEANS to give you THIS land to possess."
IF THIS IS TRUE, THIS CHANGES OUR VIEW OF THE WHOLE GENESIS 12 TIMELINE??? IT SUGGESTS THAT GENESIS 12:1-4 ACTUALLY FIT CHRONOLOGICALLY BETWEEN GENESIS 11:31-32????
SO DOES THIS MEAN TERAH ONLY LEFT UR AT ALL BECAUSE HE KNEW ABOUT GOD'S CALL TO HIS SON????
BUT THEN WHY WOULD GOD SAY "LEAVE YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE"????? OR DOES GENESIS 24:7 EXPLAIN = "The LORD... took me from my father’s house and my native land/ the land of my BIRTH/ THE LAND OF MY KINDRED/ MY FAMILY'S LAND"!! Is that phrase just a way of referring to the "house" of GENETIC LINEAGE, like the "house of David"– thus only saying that God made Abram depart from the land where ALL HIS FAMILY LIVED??? There WAS no "house of Terah" in Canaan other than Terah himself, and what immediate relatives he brought with him– but as for ancestors and kindred, there were NONE in that new land!!! So this means his father Terah COULD have been with him even IN Canaan, even as SETTLED there, because Abraham had STILL left behind the "HOUSE" of his PEOPLE, and thus OF HIS FATHER'S LINE????
BRO I AM SO CONFUSED BUT SCRIPTURE CANNOT CONTRADICT ITSELF SO OBVIOUSLY I'M MISSING OR MISINTERPRETING SOMETHING.
GOTTA CHECK BACE AND THE FATHERS FOR THIS ONE BOYS]
[Unfortunately I CANNOT spend any more time on this now but oh boy MY INTEREST IS PIQUED and I WILL be researching this to understand it properly, and so treasure it fully, as soon as possible!]

💜💜💜💜💜‼️‼️‼️‼️ Yet thousands of years later, [in this inspired epistle, we have a TESTIMONY by the HOLY SPIRIT that] GOD DID NOT “REMEMBER” [ABRAHAM'S] DELAYED OBEDIENCE; [HE ONLY REMEMBERED ABRAHAM'S (NEVERTHELESS IMMEDIATE)] FAITH.
[THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME. Even if it took Abraham a while to fully carry out what God had asked of him, he had STILL BELIEVED GOD AT THE INSTANT GOD SPOKE, and he had STILL TAKEN INSTANT ACTION in accordance with it, and despite all his human slowness he was STILL DEDICATED TO DOING IT IN FULL. GOD LOOKED UPON ABRAHAM HEART AND SAW HIS SINCERE AND COMMITTED FAITH, even if the OBEDIENCE OF that faith TOOK TIME TO FULLY "PLAY OUT"– he was STILL OBEYING AS MUCH AS HE COULD IN THE MOMENT, DESPITE ALL POTENTIAL DOUBT & CONFUSION & SETBACKS, AND HE DID NOT EVER TURN BACK OR CHANGE HIS MIND. Even while settled in Haran– possibly solely because he simply did not know God well enough yet to have the CAPACITY for a more radical faith in Him, and therefore was simply being a righteously loyal son to his own earthly father and living with him in Haran until he died, at which point GOD could now "move into the space" proper as Abraham's HEAVENLY Father, whether Abraham had any conception of this fact or not (such a profound revelation took its proper time too)– Abraham did NOT forget the call, and had NO INTENTION OF DISOBEYING it. He likely simply thought, "I will first bury my father, and then I shall continue on to that unseen land"??? But Jesus later REBUKES such thinking (), albeit for those descendants of Abraham who God had LONG been preparing and empowering so they COULD act in radical faith for radical obedience, and yet in stark contrast to Abraham's tentative yet genuine response, those later Hebrews STILL DECIDED NOT TO TRUST GOD'S WORDS. They wanted to "bury their fathers first" NOT because they didn't quite grasp the absolute urgency and primacy of God's call, but because they DID and they simply decided it was TOO MUCH or TOO HARD????
I cannot answer this properly on my own. I need to learn more.
The point this reference makes in comparison, however, is that Abraham's faith was "weak and imperfect" by later standards, which were only so much stricter because they were founded on later centuries of grace and revelation??? And so Abraham's apparent choice to wait for his father to pass is absolutely understandable in HIS context– he was the FIRST MAJOR PATRIARCH for heavens sake, not even two dozen generations out from Adam himself!!! And yet, it is absolutely to his eternal credit that HIS "IMPERFECT" FAITH IN THIS REGARD WAS STILL "MORE PERFECT" IN REGARDS TO ITS PURITY AND STEADFASTNESS???? Even if Abraham's obedience was delayed– even if his obedience was even badly confused, as with the Ishmael situation– Abraham NEVER had ANY thoughts of DISOBEDIENCE, NOR OF UNBELIEF. His human weaknesses did not stop him from being faithful. This is profound, and so merciful, and it is what Scripture proclaims for us by praising Abraham's TRUST in God DESPITE his stumblings, and NOT "BRINGING THEM UP" IN THE PROCESS. History admits them for honesty, of course, but even that admission serves as an even GREATER ENCOURAGEMENT for later believers who ALSO struggle and fall, but GET BACK UP IN FAITH NEVERTHELESS– Scripture is telling us, DON'T STAY DOWN IN THE DUST! God REMEMBERS that's what we are, and it's WHY he has COMPASSION on us (Psalm 103:13-14)– and surely He ALSO remembers that HIS OWN BREATH IS IN THAT DUST (Genesis 2:7), and that we were CREATED and even DESTINED to be SO MUCH MORE (1 Corinthians 15:44-49)!!!! We are NOT defined by our sins, and THE CROSS IS PROOF. We must NEVER despair, because CHRIST IS OUR LIVING HOPE. Even for Abraham, even as he made his many mistakes, HIS FAITH HELD FAST TO THE LORD WHO CALLED HIM, and nothing would ever make him let go– not even his own frailty. Abraham TRUSTED God and Abraham OBEYED God and Abraham LOVED God and even if Abraham was "imperfect" in those responses in a STRICT sense, I will dare to argue that they were STILL "PERFECT" IN A TRUE SENSE. I have confidence that ABRAHAM HAD AS MUCH FAITH AS HE WAS CAPABLE OF IN HIS SITUATION, AND HE OBEYED GOD AS MUCH AND IN WHATEVER WAYS AS HE UNDERSTOOD HE SHOULD, EVEN IF HE WAS MISTAKEN. The perfection of a child is different from the perfection of an adult, but it is STILL "perfection".
And in any case, ABRAHAM ONLY STARTED OUT LIKE THIS, AS WE ALL DO. BUT ABRAHAM MATURED INTO A MORE PERFECT FAITH AND OBEDIENCE, GROWING IN EACH EVERY SINGLE DAY, UNTIL THEY RIPENED INTO THE ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS FRUIT OF THE AKEDAH. ABRAHAM THEN BECAME OUR "FATHER" IN HIS EXEMPLARY FAITH– THE SAME MAN THAT HAD ONCE DELAYED TO LEAVE HIS OWN FATHER BEHIND AT GOD'S CALL TO PROMISE, HAD NOW ACTED WITHOUT DELAY TO SACRIFICE HIS OWN "PROMISE" AT GOD'S CALL TO HIM AS A FATHER. There is a great and mysterious poetry here. God loves to work like that.
But the point is = "LOVE KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS" (1 Corinthians 13), and GOD IS LOVE. This truth DESCRIBES HIS HEART FOR US – and therefore it ALSO describes the hearts of GODS FAITHFUL ONES, who ALSO refuse to "keep a record of wrongs" EVEN TOWARDS THEMSELVES???? Surely Abraham didn't dwell on his failures and "imperfections" to beat himself up over them! No, Abraham visibly got right back up, brushed off any self-loathing and shame, repented humbly of his sins, and then set his face back towards the Light in HOPE and kept walking in FAITH. HE LOVED GOD SO MUCH THAT HE REFUSED TO EVEN LET HIS OWN SINFULNESS GET IN THE WAY. If Abraham had been keeping a record of his own wrongdoing, instead of keeling a record of God's righteousness– if Abraham had been remembering his own faults instead of remembering God's perfections– if Abraham had been so busy hating himself that he had no time or space left in his heart for forgiveness and mercy and compassion, then he would NEVER have had the FAITH that he did. Why? Because FAITH IS TRUST IN GOD, AND GOD IS LOVE, AND IF GOD LOVES US, THEN WHO ARE WE NOT TO?]
[LOVE IS WHAT GOD REMEMBERS, BECAUSE IT IS WHAT HE IS, AND THEREFORE LOVE IS THE ONLY THING THAT LASTS FOREVER, BECAUSE ONLY LOVE IS THE TRUTH. ALL OUR SINS ARE UNLOVE AND UNTRUTH, AND THEY WILL ALL BE INCINERATED IN THE LIGHT OF HIS HEART. IN THE END, THERE IS NO MEMORY OF SIN IN HEAVEN; IT HAS ALL BEEN FORGOTTEN, ALL PUT TO DEATH (Hebrews 8:12, Isaiah 43:25, 65:17, Micah 7:19), AND THE SOULS OF THE FAITHFUL WILL BE REMEMBERED FOREVER IN A WHOLE NEW CREATION OF LOVE (Hebrews 6:10, Psalm 112:6, 2 Corinthians 5:17-19, Revelation 3:5, 21:5).
The bottom line = GOD REMEMBERS HOW WE HAVE LOVED HIM. GOD "KEEPS A RECORD" OF OUR FAITHFULNESS.
THE OPPOSITE IS ONLY TRUE FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO FAITH OR LOVE TO RECORD (Exodus 32: 32-33, Malachi 3:16-18, Revelation 20:12).]
[ETC. I'm treading into uncharted territory here and getting too lost in what I do not know well enough to speak of in sure truth and thus for true edification. I will leave it be for now and move on, and pray that the Holy Spirit prevents me from speaking anything false or dishonorable or scandalous despite my own foolishness. I must remember to show love to myself, too, and have more radical faith in God's patiently guiding love for me nevertheless.]

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔥🔥🔥🔥 ...a “resident alien”– one who LIVES AT a certain place, but DOESN’T HAVE PERMANENT STATUS there. A resident alien or a sojourner is EVIDENT. The way they TALK, the way they DRESS, their MANNERISMS, their ENTERTAINMENT, their CITIZENSHIP, and their FRIENDS, ALL SPEAK OF THEIR NATIVE HOME.
[OH WOW THIS IS ACTUALLY A CRITICALLY IMPORTANT EXAMEN FOR JUDGING WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE TRULY LIVING CHRISTIAN LIVES]
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ If someone is the SAME in all these areas as the “NATIVES,” they are NO LONGER SOJOURNERS– they are PERMANENT RESIDENTS.
[THAT'S TERRIFYING BECAUSE IT'S UNDENIABLY TRUE. IF WE "FIT IN" TO THIS WORLD, THEN WE'RE BASICALLY SAYING WE "BELONG" HERE!!!!]
🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 CHRISTIANS SHOULDN’T LIVE AS IF THEY WERE PERMANENT RESIDENTS OF [THIS WORLD, BECAUSE WE AREN'T!!!!!].
("I have given to them Your Word (the message You gave Me); and the world has hated them because they are not of the world and do not belong to the world, just as I am not of the world and do not belong to it." John 17:14)

🔔🔔🔔‼️‼️‼️Abraham lived as a “sojourner” in the land God promised, NEVER OWNING ANY OF IT except the plots that he and Sarah were BURIED ON.
🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️BECAUSE they had no permanent home, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob lived in TENTS
["TABERNACLES"!!!] instead of houses.
[THESE ARE BOTH VERY SYMBOLICALLY RELEVANT TO CHRISTIAN LIVING.
We will stay in our graves & caskets for much, much longer than we have stayed in any other place in this earth; they are the only "permanent possessions" we have here in that sense.
Scripture says that Jesus Christ "tabernacled" among us in a human body (John 1:14, Hebrews 8:2, 9:11), a "temporary dwelling" on this earth– but THEN Jesus TRANSFORMS the whole thing by His RESURRECTION and MAKES that "tent" into a HOUSE (Hebrews 3:6, Ephesians 2:19-22, 1 Peter 2:5)!!!! Scripture THEN calls OUR bodies His "TEMPLES" (1 Corinthians 3:16, 6:19, 2 Corinthians 6:16)!! And Scripture repeatedly and ultimately declares that GOD’S "true tabernacle"– his True dwelling and home– is WITH MEN (Leviticus 26:11-12, Ezekiel 37:26-27, Zechariah 2:10-11, Revelation 21:3, John 14:23)!!!!
Again this is still too deep for me but the point I want to make is that our bodies, as long as they are still on this earth, are STILL JUST "TENTS", but these exact same tents are STILL the DWELLING-PLACES OF GOD "IN THE WILDERNESS" (Exodus 25:8, 29:45-46, Exodus 40:34-38, 2 Samuel 7:6), even as they are EVEN NOW mysteriously made into TRUE tabernacles through the LITERAL PRESENCE OF GOD in us BY HIS SACRAMENTS, and therefore also DESTINED BY FAITH (and thus ACTUALLY so even now in PROMISE) to become PERMANENT "homes" for God Himself "in the PROMISED LAND" OF HEAVEN. Yes, when these tent-bodies are finally "taken down" in death (2 Peter 1:13-14), God has PROMISED that they WILL be "RAISED UP AGAIN" (John 2:19, Luke 24:46, 1 Corinthians 15:20), and like the literal tabernacle of old, will be TRANSFORMED into TRUE TEMPLES THROUGH UNITY WITH THE TRUE TEMPLE-BODY OF JESUS CHRIST. (Philippians 3:20-21, 1 Corinthians 15:45-49, 2 Corinthians 3:18, 4:16-18, 5:1-9).]

🌟🌟🌟 It was this [RIGHT JUDGMENT of] FAITH [and its consequent SURRENDER to GOD’S BENEVOLENTLY OMNIPOTENT WILL] that ENABLED Sarah TO RECEIVE "strength" TO conceive seed.
🔔🔔🔔‼️‼️‼️God GAVE the strength, but Sarah RECEIVED it BY FAITH.
[God is ALWAYS giving GRACE, and GENEROUSLY so– but we NEED to have our hearts & hands FREE & EMPTY & OPEN to HIM, or we CANNOT RECEIVE His grace– which also CANNOT be TAKEN!!!!] 

The Promise of the Messiah was MADE TO Abraham and Sarah, and they BELIEVED the promise. Yet they died having never received it [themselves, which would really only have been possible if the Promise was made ONLY to them, and NOT to ALL MANKIND, yet BEGINNING WITH these two progenitors], only "seeing the promises afar off" [through their faith, AND through ISAAC, as the first visible "pledge and proof" of its historical fulfillment! They were] ASSURED that the promise WAS valid, even though the fulfillment SEEMED so far away [in human perspective and timing], because GOD made the promise [and that was proof and security enough! But God Himself had graciously given them the EVIDENCE of His trustworthiness in the birth of Isaac, even after so long a wait and so many trials, and the successful saga of that child's Promise against all possible odds FORTIFIED their faith against their strongest doubts, even as each one appeared, making God's power and truth TANGIBLE and REAL even in their daily lives. How good God is to us poor creatures! How much help He gives us!]

[They were] WILLING to LOOK AT and CAREFULLY CONSIDER the Promise of God [instead of EITHER "blindly" accepting it without further thought in a sort of shallow and unreasoning "credulity" (which strikes me even as irreverent??) OR refusing to be honest with God AND themselves about their questions and doubts (because truly deep trust INCLUDES the ability TO be so honest & forthright, to not only clear any misunderstanding but also prevent resentment & suspicion from taking root), OR (perhaps as a result of this dishonest omission & reticence) fearfully/ resentfully/ suspiciously refusing to ponder God's Words when they were the most strange & confusing & even frustrating to them]. [INSTEAD, they were CANDID & OPEN & "CURIOUS," not only willing to look at the Promise but DESIRING to, and to do so CLOSELY and ATTENTIVELY, with eyes of FAITH that saw with TRUST. They "carefully considered" it, careful to not make assumptions or accusations, careful not to impose their own ideas upon it, careful not to jump to conclusions, but also not to limit God's power? This is not something easy or relaxing to do! This is a SERIOUS and DEVOTED undertaking, something SOLEMN and PRAYERFUL, and the fact that they were WILLING to do it shows that their FAITH was their WAY OF LIFE. Someone with secular preoccupations would never choose to dedicate their time and energy and mental focus to meditating so seriously and continually upon God's Words. But Abraham and Sarah surely did, even for YEARS, and every new effort gave them new depth and new clarity and new reassurance and new wonder. By "looking" over and over, closer and closer, with the eyes of faith, their faith was EXERCISED– strengthened and enriched and matured. And this persistently dedicated, humbly faithful pondering ultimately led to their] TAKING the promise and EMBRACING IT IN FAITH [when their faith had become so sure and strong that now it could do more than simply look– it could TOUCH, even to TAKE and HOLD. And those are POWERFUL and SIGNIFICANT words, because they show that the Promise was SOMETHING GOD WANTED THEM TO TAKE, and not just hear or look at– it was something HELD OUT to them by God ALWAYS, because otherwise you CANNOT "take" anything from God (and to attempt to would be a grave sin)– and in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, over ALL THE YEARS. The Promise stood strong, but in order to be an ANCHOR to them, they needed to TAKE HOLD of it BY faith!! And that only became possible AFTER the looking and considering, by which their hearts became deeply convinced that this WAS an anchor, and one immovably sure– because] Abraham and Sarah probably thought MANY TIMES A DAY [over DECADES] about the SON God promised them, and [in EACH of] THESE MANY TIMES THEY [RENEWED their FAITH in it, and so with RENEWED HOPE, each time, they once again] EMBRACED THE PROMISE [close to their hearts, holding it fast, taking it with gratitude, accepting it as a gift, and cherishing the reality of it, just as it was, even as yet "unopened". They embraced the Promise as they KNEW one day they would embrace the SON wrapped up within its words. And as they did this every day, TRUSTING that God's Will WAS Possible despite every argument against it, TRUSTING that God's timing was perfect no matter how long the wait, TRUSTING that whatever God said He WOULD do, WOULD happen, even in impossible ways, because God's Word is Truth Itself and it CANNOT be proven false. They TRUSTED that God was TRUSTWORTHY and that was their lifeline and lighthouse, their refuge and comfort, their strength and their song, because God was Good and He obviously loved them so much TO have promised this to them, and so many other blessings, even to all the world through them. His Goodness was unfathomable, and they could even hope IN that infinite divine charity, which COULD and WOULD do "far more for them then they could ever ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20), THROUGH THEIR FAITH IN WHO HE WAS. They embraced God's Promises because they realized that BY those Promises, GOD was embracing THEM– every day, every moment, no matter what, as long as that Promise stood, unshakable in loving fidelity. And through that embrace, into which they entered by faith, so too did their faith grow to be just as steadfast, deeply rooted in love (Ephesians 3:17-19). And we can be SURE of this because, through ALL those years of struggle and waiting, they NEVER LOST FAITH. And that faith was justly and richly rewarded, both in this life and the next.]

🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓❓❓ "They CONFESSED that they were strangers and pilgrims": Abraham and Sarah ALWAYS TOOK the promise [i.e. EVERY TIME they refreshed their memory of it, reaffirmed it as true, recommitted their hearts to wait for it, and thus effectively RECEIVED it ANEW from God???] with the UNDERSTANDING that THIS WORLD WAS NOT THEIR HOME. They KNEW God had a BETTER and MORE ENDURING HOME for them in heaven.
[BUT HOW DID THAT CONCLUSION RESULT FROM PONDERING THE PROMISE OF ISAAC???? WAS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT ISAAC’S BIRTH PARTICULARLY SIGNIFIED AND INITIATED– THE "COUNTLESS DESCENDANTS" AND "GLOBAL BLESSING" AND "PERPETUAL COVENANT"????
OR IS THIS DEDUCTION ALSO INCLUDING THE UNMENTIONED BUT ANCIENT PROTOEVANGELIUM– THE PROMISE OF THE SALVIFIC "SEED" THAT ISAAC'S LINEAGE WOULD ONE DAY BRING TO BIRTH????]

Though they DID HAVE FAITH, they DID ALSO DIE.
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ WE DO NOT HAVE FAITH TO ESCAPE DEATH
[OR THE SUFFERING THAT FORESHADOWS/ LEADS TO/ ACCOMPANIES IT], BUT TO DIE IN FAITH.
[THIS IS A CRITICAL POINT. FAITH DOESN’T REMOVE THE CROSS; IT TRANSFORMS IT INTO GRACE.]

⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔 We often consider the idea that WE should not be ashamed of GOD, but we must ALSO consider that WE MAY MAKE GOD ASHAMED OF US. When we do NOT regard God and heaven and eternity as REAL, there can be a sense in which God IS ashamed to be called our God.
[Its like being married to a woman who you deeply love and care for with utmost generosity and faithfulness, and yet she never talks about you to others, she never stands up for your honor, and basically acts like an unmarried girl. Something like that. That sort of woman is inexplicably ashamed to be a wife.]




080526

Aug. 5th, 2026 08:33 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

I feel so utterly broken & sad
Is this what lack of sleep does? Or mental exhaustion?
God please help me carry this cross and not despair, i am so weak

I miss biking at night SO MUCH too. But I NEED that typing time.
I feel so helpless & lost.

ML IN ADORATION
PANICKED. Literally thought he was hiding in my apartment
I am so scared of that man. What do I do?

Leon and Knife opening the new EVOO bottle
Clear cut through plastic.
"I never noticed the beauty of a knife before. But there's no beauty in a gun."
"There is, when it is used to protect the lives of others. But only then."
Also feeling a genuine soft fondness between the two of them. That was surprising and yet not; they both have such truly gentle and compassionate hearts. It's more of a surprise that they haven't interacted much in the past


This guy's channel is ABSOLUTELY A SIGN FROM GOD
🌟https://youtu.be/fyejPnqlIjg?is=_PNY-nxI9ScgpcOo
🌟https://youtu.be/2EwESXj7qzY?is=xoEwd1T_MhuJB7dZ
🌟https://youtu.be/JrDvsJ2FxyM?is=SDgWJwIeD7bro8e-
https://youtu.be/9pg4MTvwNUE?is=Ye2QLHk3ZnzdIy_q
https://youtu.be/-sys-CN8wjg?is=v2mGmhrDIBTV8i4w
https://youtu.be/v4Sumk0nsL4?is=FG5Hbb2Lm2sexiPQ
https://youtu.be/eljVrxV4K6E?is=aayBR_Pp_FYOFjZR

MISERICORDIA + VULNERABILITY
(vibing for ME AND INFI in different ways, but inextricable)

Realizing that EVERYTHING that i so desperately want to BE and to EMBODY, especially as a Core, is LITERALLY WHAT I WANT TO REFLECT OF GOD, whether I realize this or not.
Watching those videos, every time he would speak of some beautiful virtue of God i would think "that's what I need to be like; that's what my name needs to be", etc. But this is DEEPLY CONCERNING because WHY am I turning the focus to MYSELF???? Why do I feel like I have to be the one to DEMONSTRATE those attributes, and NOT first EXPERIENCE them or RECEIVE them from GOD HIMSELF?????
...And this shows that apparently somehow I feel like I CAN'T experience or know those things through JESUS.
THAT'S THE FATAL PROBLEM, and the REASON why I always ABSOLUTELY AND DISASTROUSLY FAIL at "evangelization" (TBAS especially forgive me please for my past scandal and stupidity), with all my confused frustrated angsty critical judgmental hypocritical frightened blabbering, because what I'm really trying to do is convince MYSELF of it all. I'm really just talking to myself, and all the self-loathing and existential terror and choking regret and suffocating shame just comes out in my words every time I attempt to talk about God because all I ever knew of Him growing up was how angry and disgusted He was with a sinner like me. And somehow I still haven't let go of that lie. Why? Why????
And I think I know the horrible answer.
I've never actually met Jesus.
I don't actually know Jesus.
...that's what the deepest problem is. That's the death sentence.
It's the most terrifying thing in the universe. But it's true. I DON’T know Who Jesus Is, somehow. I HAVEN'T met Jesus, not as a Person.
Oh God what do I do????? I will die literally forever if I don't have this, if I don't meet Him, if I don't get to know Him.
And I WANT to. I NEED to.
But... God I am so terrified of intimacy, what happened to me?????

Talking to Infi
Core vices = lust for the boys, gluttony for the girls = "anabulimia of the soul" = dramatic all-or-nothing back-and-forth
"Not by bread alone but by every word" = that word is LOVE; "and God never stops speaking it"

Bizarre and disturbing thoughts while watching those videos earlier, and feeling that terror of being "looked at with tenderness," how that feels like "rape" and scares me to death– and comparing this to how during the Cannon era what drew me to Laurie was the fact that she was violent and dominating and utterly asexual; she would grab me by the hair and drag me across the room while spitting out harsh condemnations and strict orders for me to follow, and I LOVED that???? Because I FELT LOVED in that???? It felt SAFE. When she would punch me so hard it knocked my teeth out for my stupidity, when she would swing that beautiful axe and cut me right in two in headspace, when her hard fists and hard face alike were spattered with my blood... God I loved her SO MUCH, she was SO HARMLESS to me like that, isn't that ironic????
What the hell does that day about my psyche that I STILL MISS THAT AND STILL WANT THAT MORE THAN ANYTHING????
And yet.... remember two nights ago, how she looked at me in the dark, vulnerable and even scared in the fact that she loved me in a way that still scares the life out of me, and maybe her too– scared because this love didn't want to beat me to a bloody mess, but wanted to just... kiss my bleeding lips. Something so difficult for me to type.
Part of me is so disgusted and scandalized and furious and hurt and betrayed by that sentence. Like by being quiet and gentle and tender with love she doesn't actually love me anymore.
And that is a real and legitimate fear, so close to an actual belief that it scares me.

This is why I can never sustain a relationship in the physical world.
Every single time people get close and soft like that– Jacob, Melody, Oliver– I freak out and lash out in terror and disgust and I run away and disappear. I cannot cope. I cannot even look at it. I bail and I forget it ever happened because I cannot deal with the thought of it. I am so sorry.
And that's why Infinitii, and I as the Core, need to be "reborn" in a real tangible way in headspace, and soon. I need a name and a face and a color, I need a SELF, or ze CANNOT "come back to life" because a daengel NEEDS a heart-host and if my heart is still utterly undefined how is ze ever supposed to be rebirthed from it???
But it all comes back to the intimacy fear. If I DON'T have a concrete self, people CAN'T get close.
If I don't have a name, people can't speak it with soft voices.
If I don't have a face, people can't look tenderly into my eyes.
If I don't have a color, people can't think of me with recognition.
If I don't have a body, people can't touch me.
It's horrible. It's so horrible.
No wonder Infi died, and wanted to die. That devastatingly total loss, that traumatic "death of my heart," was just the tangible manifestation of everything I've just described.
We blamed everything on the love we refused to accept was love.
And we decided that death, the deletion of every intimate thing we couldn't bear to own, was the only option, the only freedom, the only forgiveness, the only way to be pure and safe and free again.
Free from what, you poor sick fool???? Free from the unbearable realization that someone loved you in a way that didn't want to destroy you and so you put the destruction into it??? Free from the terrible realization that you were just as capable as they were of feeling and giving and wanting that sort of tender love and actually acted on it????  And so you had to destroy YOURSELF now, too???? Why? Because intimacy means connection, because love means sharing oneself, because all relationship means openness to another and you just cannot seem to extricate all of that from the ultimate existential horror of being invaded and contaminated and infested and raped.
What the hell is wrong with me.
God I need so much help.



Infi accidentally pinging Wreckage (I forget how; that says a lot)
She was FURIOUS at first for the trauma risk-- it could have reached Ashen
But then suddenly EMBRACE OF FORGIVENESS
She knew Infi did not do this on purpose, ze meant no harm, and ze was genuinely so upset that the risk had happened
"Do you think Ashen could forgive me?"
"I think Ashen would be glad that you thought of her with kindness"



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/mhm/hebrews-11.html

⚠️⚠️⚠️MAJOR WARNING = CALVINISM⚠️⚠️⚠️
(Total depravity, Unconditional election, Limited atonement, Irresistible grace, and Perseverance of the saints; PLUS sola scriptura, sola fide, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, no prayers to Mary or the Saints, penal substitution)

💜💜💜💜💜💜 God is NOT ASHAMED to be called THEIR God: such is his CONDESCENSION, such is his LOVE to them;
💔💔💔💔💔💔⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ ...NOTWITHSTANDING their MEANNESS ("inferior in grade, quality, or character; low in status, rank, or dignity; of little importance or consequence; small, humiliated, or ashamed") BY NATURE, their VILENESS BY SIN, and the POVERTY OF THEIR OUTWARD CONDITION,
["Despite outward poverty" is deeply consoling, because it means that even if we are homeless and poor and abandoned and forgotten, without any resources or future or hope in this world, even if we are filthy and smelly and sick and disgusting in the eyes of men, none of that has any affect on God's absolutely adoring love for us. He loves us absolutely and unconditionally, from conception to death and beyond, and no worldly circumstances can ever change that– not only because God's Love cannot ever change, but also because HE'S the one in charge of ALL the circumstances, and when we die we will understand why they were necessary in His Plan for us, but until then we can still rest in total assurance that we are still entirely loved even in our miserable  outward conditions– NOT "despite," but IN, because God does not ignore or deny our pain and suffering. He loved Christ ON the Cross, NOT "despite" it! So too for us. So set your sights on "the joy set before you," the joy of eternity in heaven with our Creator and Father, where all our poverty will be replaced by the riches of God Himself– all our emptiness filled, all our brokenness made whole, all our diseases and defects healed– and we shall be clean and pure and clothed in glory, and we will never hunger or thirst again.]
[As for "meanness of NATURE," I think that's a failure to recognize the stunning DIGNITY that God has created us for, no matter how "insignificant and unimportant" we may seem in a godless age?? Because although we are indeed mere creatures, humanity is still DESTINED FOR GLORY (CCC 460); we were ALWAYS meant to share in God's Own Life (CCC 001)! But maybe this "meanness" just means "in comparison to the infinite perfections of God", in which case it is entirely valid.
But in light of this, as for "total depravity," sin DOES NOT affect our nature (CCC 405)!!!! Yes, sin IS absolutely vile BECAUSE it MARS the Image of God in us, but it CANNOT destroy that Image (CCC 2566), and therefore even original sin CANNOT and DID NOT destroy our free will and reason TO do GOOD nevertheless. But that's all I can say about that with how little I know about that Protestant falsehood and do not wish to confuse my poor brain by reading into it more, instead of just learning the truth.
In any case, ALL sin is "vile" by its own nature– it is disgusting, offensive, ugly, disgraceful, repulsive, and worthless. But IT DOES NOT "MAKE" US SO (CCC 2267)???? WE DO NOT LOSE OUR INTRINSIC DIGNITY (CCC 27, 225, 356-357, 1700), even if we fail to recognize it ourselves, and judge ourselves as complete scum unworthy of anything good, which I have indeed done far too often. But this is not how God looks at us, and the Cross is undeniable proof. No matter how vile and disgusting sin itself is, GOD does NOT look at US with disgust, but ONLY at our SIN, which is vile SPECIFICALLY because it TRIES to REDEFINE US as vile– and thus it DEFIES & AND OPPOSES GOD'S TRUTH about us (CCC 398).
That is a KEY DISTINCTION that I think some Protestants don't have (e.g. that "dirty snow" image I read once and which is so so wrong). I would assume that no amount of sin can ever actually corrupt our soul to become a vile thing in and of itself, because sin simply does not have that power, and God will not suffer His Image to be so defiled!!! (CCC 705, 1701, 1708) Yes, sin CAN deform and disfigure (CCC 1714, 1487, 1849), but it cannot defy or rewrite reality, and the reality is that God made the human soul as a beautiful and good thing, and He made it for ETERNAL BEATITUDE and ETERNAL LOVE (CCC 221, 1711).
Therefore I would dare to day that the greatest horror of hell is that those souls CHOSE to DENY and REJECT that reality (CCC 1033), only to realize that it REMAINS reality (CCC 1035)— they have effectively chosen rather to DEFINE THEMSELVES AS "VILE" because they wouldn't accept God's merciful LOVE speaking the TRUTH of who they, and all other people, actually are????
Because really, that IS what we do when we REFUSE TO REPENT, since repentance necessitates a real HOPE in God's MERCY and this hope blooms from FAITH that He WANTS to and CAN be so gracious to a miserable sinner, because HE LOVES us. And all this is IMPOSSIBLE unless WE LOVE GOD, too– a work of GRACE, mind you, a GIFT of His Own Spirit through Christ. So you CANNOT repent unless you have that CAPACITY and OPENNESS to LOVE– and which means ABOVE ALL that you are WILLING to RECEIVE that Love FROM GOD, and to be REDEFINED by it, so that you CAN love Him and others AND YOURSELF, AS GOD ALREADY LOVES YOU.]
⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔‼️‼️‼️ THEREFORE, LET THEM NEVER BE ASHAMED OF BEING CALLED HIS PEOPLE, nor of [being thus associated with and counted among] ANY of those that ARE truly so, however much they ARE despised in the WORLD.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ Above all, let them TAKE CARE that they NEVER BE A SHAME AND REPROACH TO THEIR GOD [BY ANY SIN– WHICH IS, ALWAYS, TO ACT CONTRARY TO THE DIGNITY OF TRUE AND REDEEMED HUMAN NATURE, BY FAILING TO REFLECT THE TRUE IMAGE OF GOD TO OTHERS (Numbers 20:12), AND FAILING TO IMITATE AND REPRESENT JESUS CHRIST AS A MEMBER OF HIS BODY], and SO PROVOKE HIM TO BE ASHAMED OF THEM;
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️but LET THEM ACT [IN FAITH AND LOVE] SO AS TO BE TO HIM [AMONG THE NATIONS] "FOR A [GOOD & HONORABLE & AWESOME] NAME, and FOR A [GRATEFUL & JOYFUL] PRAISE, and FOR A [WORSHIPFUL & REVELATORY & PROPHETIC?] GLORY".
[Seriously LOOK UP what this verse ACTUALLY means, not just my immediate ideas here]

🌟🌟🌟🌟As the PROOF of this, God has "prepared for them a city"– a HAPPINESS SUITABLE to the RELATION INTO WHICH HE HAS TAKEN THEM.
[Noting this phrasing specifically because it directly ties HAPPINESS to RELATIONSHIP]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ For there is NOTHING in THIS world commensurate ("corresponding in amount, magnitude, or degree") to THE LOVE OF GOD IN BEING THE GOD OF HIS PEOPLE;
[THIS IS ASTOUNDING???? Yes, God's Love for us is immeasurable and incomparable in and of itself, BUT this is implying that His Love, as demonstrated and displayed in this world, reaches its absolute apex in HOW HE LOVES HIS PEOPLE?????? Which actually makes PERFECT SENSE because the apex OF that apex is JESUS CHRIST. But WOW does this hit hard. There is literally NO GREATER DISPLAY OF GOD'S LOVE IN ALL OF CREATION THAN HOW HE LOVES US AS "OUR GOD".]
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ and, IF GOD NEITHER COULD NOR WOULD GIVE HIS PEOPLE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS WORLD AFFORDS, HE WOULD BE ASHAMED TO BE CALLED "THEIR GOD."
[Because He is NOT "of this world," and idols (false gods, demons!) ARE-- and God, IN JUSTICE & TRUTH, MUST give us MORE than they could EVER claim to???]
[Also 1 Corinthians 15:19-20 vibes?]
("If our hope in Christ is good for this life only, and no more, then we deserve more pity than anyone else in all the world. But the TRUTH is that Christ has been raised from death, as the guarantee that those who sleep in death will also be raised.")
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤❤❤‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ [BUT SINCE] HE [HAS TAKEN] THEM INTO SUCH A RELATION TO HIMSELF, HE WILL PROVIDE FOR THEM ACCORDINGLY [WITH FULL INTEGRITY AND TRUSTWORTHINESS OF CHARACTER. SINCE] HE [WILLINGLY, FREELY, AND EVEN JOYFULLY] TAKES TO HIMSELF THE TITLE OF "THEIR GOD", HE WILL FULLY ANSWER IT, AND ACT UP TO IT. And [THEREFORE, OF "NECESSITY" IN THIS REGARD,] HE HAS prepared that [eternal city, that eternal HOME] for them in HEAVEN, which WILL FULLY ANSWER THIS CHARACTER AND RELATION... 
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️...so that it shall NEVER be said, to the reproach and dishonour of God, that HE HAS ADOPTED A PEOPLE TO BE HIS OWN CHILDREN, AND THEN TAKEN NO CARE TO MAKE A SUITABLE PROVISION FOR THEM.
[SIT WITH THIS. LET IT HIT YOU LIKE A KNIFE TO THE RIBS. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF FATHERHOOD???? DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT SINCE GOD HAS ADOPTED YOU BY HIS OWN FREE GRACIOUS CHOICE AND LOVING WILL, THAT HE HAS CHOSEN YOU TO BE HIS CHILD IN CHRIST, THAT HE IS YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER THROUGH YOUR FAITH THAT ALL THIS IS TRUE???? AND THEREFORE HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU IN THE SAME WAY AND INFINITELY MORE THAN YOU USED TO WANT WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND SOUL TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER???? IS THAT WHY YOUR FAITH IS ROTTING???? HAS YOUR ABANDONMENT OF THAT PART OF YOU KILLED YOUR CAPACITY FOR COMPASSION????? IS THAT WHY YOU CANNOT SEEM TO TRUST THAT GOD WON'T DO THE SAME TO YOU?????
GET DOWN ON YOUR POOR BLOODY KNEES AND THANK GOD HIMSELF THAT HE ISN'T LIKE YOU. HE WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU OR DENY THAT YOU ARE HIS. HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR EVERY NEED NO MATTER WHAT IT "COSTS" HIM. HE WILL LIVE UP TO HIS FATHERHOOD. HE WILL BE THE PERFECT "DAD" TO YOU. HE WILL GIVE YOU SHELTER AND A HOME AND A FAMILY AND LOVE THAT NEVER FALTERS OR FLICKERS OR FADES OR FAILS. 
IS IT SINKING IN YET? ARE YOU BLEEDING ENOUGH TO GET IT YET, YOU POOR FOOL????]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 The CONSIDERATION of this [BY the people of God] should INFLAME THEIR AFFECTIONS, ENLARGE THEIR DESIRES, and EXCITE THEIR DILIGENT ENDEAVOURS, [in regards] TO this city that he HAS prepared for them.
[...this is actually a gutpunch too. I don't think about the heavenly city because I don't think I've ever realized there WAS one "prepared for me." I don't think I've ever had enough faith or hope to think that I'd actually get there, let alone be welcome and wanted there. I've... I've never actually thought that I might have a place there, a place for me, "my own room" as it were, as a beloved child... I never once gave it actual thought that God has made a home for me in His Heart and He cannot wait to welcome me there. 
...I think this also explains, in a very real and terrible way, why Central City has never been rebuilt. Of course there are many reasons. But I think this utter misunderstanding of God and eternal life lies at the core of it all.
Deep down, I still feel so terribly homeless.
Why??? Why do I still WANT to "live out of a suitcase" and "sleep on the streets" and "be forgotten and unwanted and unseen and unloved"??? WHY do I WANT to be destitute and poor and trampled on and hungry and cold and threadbare and tired and lost??? WHY do I WANT to fade away into nothing both physically and socially??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. THIS IS ACTIVELY PREVENTING ME FROM ACCEPTING WHAT GOD WANTS TO GIVE ME.
...or is it? is it? what if i have to lose everything on earth to gain the "heavenly city"
...except we all know the problem is that you're still not hoping for it even in the gutter.
Unless that changes, EVERYTHING is lost.
...so God, please, please, fix me, fix whatever germ of despair keeps killing my hope, please, please give me the faith to call you Father in truth, and to trust that I am your daughter, and that you WANT me to be, and that there IS a place just for me in heaven, where I belong and am wanted and loved, and to not hate myself so much that I won't let myself come home.]

❓❓❓...it is GRACE and the NEW BIRTH [into Christ and His Church through Baptism] that... "QUALIFY" them for the BEST blessings [i.e. HEAVENLY ones, even at the LOSS of earthly ones? Because ALL earthly blessings, even the best and most good, are STILL TEMPORAL and WILL FADE AWAY] 

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ Isaac seemed to have FORGOTTEN how GOD HAD DETERMINED THE MATTER [OF WHICH SON WOULD GET THE BLESSING] AT THE BIRTH of these his sons. This SHOULD have been a RULE to him ALL ALONG, but he was rather SWAYED BY NATURAL AFFECTION, and by GENERAL CUSTOM, which gives the double portion of honour, affection, and advantage, to the FIRSTBORN.
[Was he perhaps also "afraid of offending Esau", or of making him feel "inferior & unloved" by this seemingly arbitrary favor of his younger brother, even by God Himself??? Isaac may have never known how to "break this news" to the boys, or whether he even should– and now, literally at the last possible moment, when the revelation was at last inevitable, admitting this divine arrangement would have crushed Esau even MORE, who would have been waiting his whole life for blessing, only to learn at the very last second that he had never been meant to receive it to begin with!]






080426

Aug. 4th, 2026 07:15 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)

 


Apparently my "eating disorder" behaviors are ACTUALLY EXTREMELY IN LINE WITH AUTISM??????
🌟🌟🌟 https://kidsclubaba.com/autism-and-food-obsession/ (THIS IS LITERALLY DESCRIBING MY LIFE)


Unfortunately Angie's new car smell is making me LEGIT SICK
I cannot get the taste out of my lungs and it's giving me a sore throat and making me SO DIZZY


Body craving the sunlight & fresh air & plants so desperately
I just stood in the parking lot with my eyes closed for a few minutes, just wishing I could stay there
These are the moments when I miss grandma's house in truth. I miss my forest, I miss the green air, I miss the quiet light, I miss the life all around me.
But mom has changed it so much, so much. It's not the same.
But the woods are still there. I still miss them. 
I need to find my own.
 

So tired I can barely move
Reading "The Clown of God" and WEEPING


Very convicted today, thank You God. Please I beg You now give me the grace to ACT ON this humbling chastisement and NOT selfpity or selfhatred
https://catholicexchange.com/youre-either-for-christ-or-against-him
https://catholicexchange.com/jesus-eucharistic-virtues/
https://catholicexchange.com/making-jesus-your-best-friend/
THIS ONE REVEALS THE INTIMACY FEAR AGAIN
https://catholicexchange.com/eucharistic-adoration-a-power-like-no-other/
God could Infi help me PRACTICE this???? Is that allowed???

Imagining Moralimon actually HELPS STOP THE OCD IMAGES

I cannot be a slave to comfort. I cannot capitulate to every sensory overwhelm desire for relief.
I need to become a "slave to SUFFERING" like the saints were. I need to embrace and seek the DISCOMFORT and even AGONY of enduring the overwhelm FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
This is very difficult and I can only do it by grace, but if God will allow me and help me to do it, I can offer up this immense yet secret suffering for the salvation of souls. And I want that more than I want comfort.



Me angry with self about stupidity & emotional volatility
Laurie talking to me about those spiritual weeds being dandelions
remember her specifically saying how "you can make them into flower crowns" and "you can eat the entire bloody plant and it's actually really good for you" and something like "and with enough time, they can be transformed into wishes"
basically, i'm calling them weeds because I don't like or want them, but God may be purposely leaving them in my soul-garden because He likes the yellow color and He's making them into tea and He's going to put a beautiful ring of them on your head when you finally come outside and sit down next to Him. and when it gets colder outside, all those "weeds" will have matured and transformed, becoming soft puffs of seeds, good seeds, to bring hope and joy to others, the very means of spending yourself in charity, of dying into life.
something like that. something.

my flaws are the cracks that God pours gold into
the gaps in my armor are where God plunges the sword of His love
the cracks in your hard and angry heart are exactly where the dandelions love to grow,
little living testaments to the invincibility of life despite it all,
little bits of sunlight in spite of your scorn.
"where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more"
your weaknesses are where God can show His strength
your need for mercy is exactly where God gives it.



Night =
YouTube distraction
Animation moral analysis videos
Some very very gutting points though. hard blows, right in my weak spots. maybe that's why God let it happen. please take notes.
(mainly this guy and this guy btw)

watching TADC again. WHY. Catharsis?????
Something about the emotional honesty and beauty of the actual animation
Something about the very human pain it communicates that I haven't had the guts to face on my own yet
Something about my strange and pitiful yearning to be part of a group like that, even with (because of) all the wounds and struggles and fears, but to do it and suffer it together, somehow that means more than anything, somehow that's what i want the most, just to bleed and weep together, and not have to hide any of it anymore, and even for someone to be willing to love me despite it all
and to not chase them away in fear.


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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/mhm/hebrews-11.html

⚠️⚠️⚠️MAJOR WARNING = CALVINISM⚠️⚠️⚠️
(Total depravity, Unconditional election, Limited atonement, Irresistible grace, and Perseverance of the saints; PLUS sola scriptura, sola fide, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, no prayers to Mary or the Saints, penal substitution)

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤ Abraham [was] the friend of God, and father of the faithful, in whom the Hebrews boasted, and from whom they derived their pedigree and privileges;
[Oh wow this makes HIM a type of Christ, too??
1. God calls Abraham "My friend" in Isaiah 41:8, but the word He uses is actually "ōhăḇî," which is from "aheb", and therefore is more accurately translated as BELOVED!!! And THAT'S WHAT CHRIST IS in His very ESSENCE (Matthew 3:17)!!! And yes, the Polyglot uses the SAME ROOT WORD FOR THEM BOTH (noun"agapétos" for Jesus; verb "agapaó" for Abraham)!!!!
However, although "aheb" is the same root for "’ō·haḇ·ḵā" in 2 Chronicles 20:7, that word in Greek is translated as "philos," as it is in James 2:23– a word which nevertheless IS used of Jesus Himself in Matthew 11:19, in His Own Words, repeating the accusations of the people that He was a "friend of sinners." What a striking difference in human descriptions– Abraham the friend of God, Jesus the friend of sinners! And yet Jesus IS God, and Jesus CALLS US HIS FRIENDS WHEN WE OBEY HIS COMMANDS, just like Abraham did so promptly and sincerely, BY FAITH. But we have an astonishing "advantage" over Abraham– Jesus then adds that He ALSO calls us His friends because He has revealed to us EVERYTHING HE HEARD FROM HIS FATHER (John 15:13-15), a sign of previously unimaginable TRUST and INTIMACY between God and mankind, moreso even than with Abraham and Moses and David! This declaration is AMAZING. It means that, like Abraham, WE TOO hear the Voice of God telling us what to do, but we do not hear Him in sparse revelations over decades, in brief visions– we actually hear ALL that God CAN say to us, so to speak, and we hear it DIRECTLY, THROUGH THE INCARNATE WORD HIMSELF. And we do not obey merely as servants following instructions, often without understanding, with no dialogue– we obey AS friends, to whom Jesus HAS explained His teachings and directions (Matthew 13:11, 15:15, Mark 4:34, Luke 24:27, John 14:26), in the context of a personal relationship! They didn't just "walk with God" by faith, they LITERALLY walked with God Incarnate on the dusty roads day after day, eating with Him, sleeping alongside Him, talking with Him, looking upon Him, able to touch Him and smell Him and be in His strikingly tangible Presence no matter where they traveled! And although we do not have such a magnificent blessing as they did in this regard, we CAN still "walk with God" physically THROUGH THE EUCHARIST, which is an even MORE magnificent blessing in a sense, for NOW Christ can and does walk with us by being WITHIN us, and He so desires to NEVER depart from us, not even for a moment! Likewise, we also speak to God "face to face" as Moses did in the Tabernacle-Tent (Exodus 30:11), but our Christian sight is more clear and vivid than his ever was or could be, for we "see the form of God" (Numbers 12:8) LITERALLY, for we gaze upon God's Face IN JESUS. But we, too, have more blessings than the disciples did, even though "we have not seen Him" (1 Peter 1:8) in His human flesh. But BY FAITH, we see Him where He is STILL LITERALLY PRESENT in the EUCHARIST– dwelling in ALL the Tabernacles of His Church, AND in the Tabernacles of our OWN HEARTS (Revelation 21:3, 1 Corinthians 6:19). No Patriarch OR Apostle EVER had such immense privileges of intimacy. And we have the SCRIPTURES, too, and the MAGISTERIUM, by which we STILL HEAR EVERYTHING God has spoken to mankind, in a way neither the Patriarchs NOR the Apostles could– and we have the HOLY SPIRIT teaching us too (John 15:26, 16:13), speaking to us CONSTANTLY, and always helping us TO obey God's commands!
Yes, our Beloved Jesus, in the fullness and fact of His Life– in His Words and Deeds and Passion and Spirit– HAS told us EVERYTHING we CAN know about the Father. And when we HAVE FAITH in Jesus– in His PERSON, as well as His Words and Deeds (John 14:9-11)– then we WILL be able to obey God in the most perfect way we CAN on this earth. And what is God's Command, that we are to obey AS His friends? It is what it has always been– to LOVE (Deuteronomy 6:5, 10:12, Joshua 22:5, Mark 12:28-31, John 13:34-35, 14:21, 1 John 3:11-24, 4:7-21, 5:1-4, Galatians 5:14, Romans 13:10). And ONLY by LOVING like Jesus are we TRULY the friends of Jesus, for He is the God Who let Himself be called the "friend of sinners", so that THEY would have the HOPE of being called the friends of GOD (John 15:13, Romans 5:8, 1 John 3:16, 4:10).
Oh man but this is SUCH a rich and beautiful subject and I ABSOLUTELY MUST devote specific research time to it on its own, to understand it more fully and truly, now that I have tasted its sweetness, and want so much to share it with others. Thanks be to God.
2. Christ is both the brother of the faithful through Abraham, but also their "father" in a sense as the New Adam?
3-4. The Hebrews boasted in Abraham as their progenitor because he was so faithful & obedient to God AS His friend, a truly holy and righteous man worthy of the honor he received– but their boasting in him was often FOR his legacy– which was ASSOCIATED with THEM, yet ONLY by GENETICS– and so sadly did NOT necessarily mean that they were trying to IMITATE Abraham's way of life, but only to glory in HIS renown by APPROPRIATION???? I could be entirely wrong in this of course, but that would be the circumstances in which such boasting would be NEGATIVE.
In a POSITIVE sense, it would be because, LIKE Abraham, God's faithful people can boast in KNOWING the LORD (Jeremiah 9:23-24) and WORSHIPPING the LORD (Psalm 34:1-3, 105:1-3), things which were ONLY POSSIBLE for them BECAUSE Abraham HAD been so faithful to God, because they were a COVENANT people, notably through ISAAC, and Abraham's immense FIDELITY to the LORD in that regard (Genesis 22)– the radical FAITH that truly MADE him God's FRIEND– was the REASON why Israel even EXISTED.
But we today, as Christians, also "boast" in knowing the LORD, and yet we know Him personally IN CHRIST (1 Corinthians 1:31), specifically in Christ crucified (Galatians 6:14), for THAT is how we truly came to know God as LOVE, and the salvific action that PROVED that He considers His faithful ones TO be His friends (John 15:13)– fittingly in the very antitype of the Akedah.
But I have spent too much on this already and I honestly do not have the time or mental energy to research and understand this concept of "boasting" better. The only point I was trying to make is the typological comparison– how Abraham, as the "founder of Judaism", is comparable to Jesus Christ, as the "founder of Christianity", and yet even Abraham boasted in Christ as the very Messiah Whose lineage he was called by covenant to continue and preserve. Christ IS the One True God that Abraham worshipped and followed, as by faith he pioneered the path back to monotheism among the nations. So even Abraham upholds that principle– "let him who boasts, boast in the LORD"!]

🌟🌟🌟💚💚‼️‼️...and therefore the apostle, that he might BOTH please and profit them, enlarges more upon the heroic achievements of Abraham's faith than of that of any other of the patriarchs;
[He does not rebuke their boasting in Abraham, nor does he dishonor Abraham by disregarding the very reasons for which they boasted of him??? Rather he meets the Hebrews right where they are at, and uses their human affections to their advantage to lead them into deeper faith and closer to Christ??? Basically the author does NOT think that pleasing them is a hindrance to evangelization or edification! He does NOT sacrifice social amity even for the sake of spiritual profit! This is SO IMPORTANT for evangelists today, especially "wannabes" like myself, who tragically and reprehensibly rely far too much on "tearing down strongholds" instead of "building up what is broken." One's efforts of "preaching the Gospel" should NEVER be so full of critiques and chastisements and condemnations that they end up discrediting the merciful Cross of Christ, the "friend of sinners," the source of all hope and forgiveness, who never chased anyone away but rather called everyone closer to God, no matter how far away they were!]
[But I'm a fool. Jesus WASN'T a people-pleaser, and NEITHER was the author of Hebrews. They BOTH sought ONLY to please GOD, and THAT was why the author here COULD "please" his audience in giving special focus to Abraham– because he was a GODLY man, and these Christian converts honored him FOR that reason surely, and to ignore this fact and NOT give Abraham that extra attention would not only miss out on a KEY OPPORTUNITY to help these particular Christians grow in THEIR faith in a way they could more easily and readily grasp and embrace, even in a TRUE imitation of Abraham– but would also be dishonoring GOD by not showing due respect to His friend, and as such an examplar of real living faith AND of Jesus as a type????]
[The point I'm TRYING to make = IT ISN'T WRONG, AND IT ISN'T A SIN, TO "PLEASE" YOUR AUDIENCE WHEN YOU ARE TEACHING THE FAITH, AS LONG AS YOUR DOING SO IS PLEASING TO GOD ABOVE ALL. In fact, by preaching in THIS kind of way– leading with friendship and communication and common ground and understanding (just like Jesus did with His parables, in a sense)– it profits your hearers even MORE towards salvation, because you are speaking to them in a way that does not cut them down or scare them away!!!! There is a proper time for "fire and brimstone" but it is NOT ALWAYS!!!!!]
[BE SWEET TO THE SICK CHILDREN, NOT JUST BITTER "MEDICINE"!!!!! YOU PROUD AND CALLOUS FOOL!!!!]

❤❤❤...and in the midst of his account of the faith of Abraham he inserts the story of Sarah's faith, whose DAUGHTERS those women are that CONTINUE TO DO WELL.
[I'VE NEVER HEARD THIS BEFORE and yet it's TRUE (Genesis 17:16)!!! Surely there really is a Jewish tradition of thinking of her as the "mother" of Judaism, alongside Abraham? I will have to look her up in this regard, especially to see how she surely must be a type of MARY as well!!]

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 The GROUND of Abraham's faith was the CALL and PROMISE of God. Though it was a very TRYING call, it WAS the call of GOD, and [BY THAT SOLE FACT ALONE was] THEREFORE a SUFFICIENT GROUND FOR FAITH and RULE OF OBEDIENCE.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️The MANNER in which he was called... "GET THEE OUT of thy COUNTRY, AND from thy KINDRED, and COME INTO the land which I will show thee." This was an EFFECTUAL call, BY WHICH he was CONVERTED FROM THE IDOLATRY of his father's house.
[HE LITERALLY HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO WORSHIP GOD PROPERLY– THE VERY ATMOSPHERE OF IDOLATRY WAS TOXIC TO THE SEEDS OF FAITH]

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💜💜💜💜💜 The grace of God is ABSOLUTELY FREE, in taking some of the WORST of men, and MAKING them the BEST.
[EVERY TIME I read statements of TRUTH like this it stuns me. There is NEVER grounds for despair. NEVER. Take this truth and throw it in the devil's face next time he tries to tell you that you are too lost and evil and filthy and unlovable to ever be anything good. GOD'S VERY EXISTENCE DEFEATS THAT ENTIRE ARGUMENT. Your very miserableness, your very wretchedness, is what "ATTRACTS" God's mercy to you. It's insane, but it's so true.
...and doesn't even your poor heart reflect that, you poor fool? you who used to sing "love of the loveless"? you who still feel instinctive affection and pity for the ones no one else wants? isn't that exactly what brought you to mimic? where do you think that COMES from? and are you so insanely blind as to think that God doesn't feel that for YOU, even BECAUSE you feel like the most useless and unlovable scrap of junk in the world? even if you were the VERY WORST sinner on the planet, God would NOT exclude you from the hope of His grace. He might even PARTICULARLY choose you to be a most miraculous example OF His power to save, to transform, to redeem, to LOVE YOU TO LIFE.]
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ God MUST come to US BEFORE we [CAN] come to HIM.
[But God is ALWAYS "coming to us"???? I think the Catechism says this outright– like how EVERY PRAYER is actually a RESPONSE to GOD’S initiative in us???? HE NEVER STOPS CALLING US HOME TO HIMSELF]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️🤍🤍🤍 IN CALLING AND CONVERTING SINNERS, GOD APPEARS AS A GOD OF GLORY, and WORKS A GLORIOUS WORK IN THE SOUL.
["THE GLORY OF GOD IS MAN FULLY ALIVE," AND THAT LIFE IS LIFE WITH GOD-- WHICH WE ARE GIVEN, THROUGH THE LOVE OF GOD IN JESUS CHRIST, WHO DIED SPECIFICALLY TO SAVE SINNERS!!!]
("The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep." John 10:10-11)
("But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8)
("This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But for that very reason I received mercy... since I was worse than anyone else, God had mercy on me and let me be an example of the endless patience of Christ Jesus... God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:15-16)
🔔🔔🔔🔔🔥🔥🔥🔥THIS calls us not only to LEAVE SIN, but to leave SINFUL COMPANY, and [to abandon] WHATEVER IS INCONSISTENT WITH OUR DEVOTEDNESS TO GOD.
[THAT’S THE PROPER CRITERION!!!!!!]
🔔🔔🔔🔔‼️‼️‼️‼️ We NEED to be CALLED, not only to SET OUT well, but to GO ON well.
[This is critical. We CANNOT be self-driven, even in our practice of faith!!!!]
🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️God will NOT have his people take up that "rest" ANYWHERE SHORT of the HEAVENLY "Canaan."
[THIS HITS. It's just as trying as it is consoling and I love that. God WON'T let us "settle for less" because He made us for more and He WANTS us WITH HIM, the ONLY One Who LOVES us as we were MADE to be loved.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ God PROMISED Abraham that the place he was called to he should afterwards RECEIVE for an INHERITANCE, after awhile he should have the HEAVENLY Canaan for HIS inheritance, and in process of time his POSTERITY should inherit the EARTHLY Canaan.
[I still don't understand– WHEN EXACTLY did Abraham get FROM GOD the idea/ assurance that there WAS an AFTERLIFE, even HEAVEN, and that it was WAITING for him BECAUSE of his FAITH??? Does BACE talk about that???? Because I don't think he had ANY such beliefs while he was living among idolaters, ESPECIALLY since the whole concept of an afterlife even among Israel seemed largely to consist solely of SHEOL????]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️ God [STILL] calls [ALL] his people to an inheritance: by his EFFECTUAL call he makes them CHILDREN, and so HEIRS.
[So the entire IDEA of inheritance is a PATTERN/ PRINCIPLE within the Plan of Salvation???? Which implies that FROM THE BEGINNING God has ALWAYS designed for us to be His CHILDREN, and NOT mere creatures or even just servants!]
💜💜💜This inheritance is NOT IMMEDIATELY POSSESSED by them [no inheritance ever is, by the nature of the thing]; they MUST WAIT some time for it: but the promise is SURE, and SHALL have its SEASONABLE accomplishment.
[NOTABLY, usually after SOME SORT OF DEATH, either OUR LITERAL death or through DYING TO THE WORLD while we still live– which, I would argue, is actually NECESSARY for receiving the inheritance in ANY case, even WHEN we die physically, because if we DON'T die to THIS world in a SPIRITUAL sense FIRST, then our soul will effectively be part of THAT "broken family" still???? Does that make sense? WE HAVE TO BE CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST BEFORE WE CAN BECOME GOD'S CHILDREN THROUGH CHRIST???? And yes this effectively happens through BAPTISM in the immediate and irrepeatable sense, but it MUST then be a LIVED status, a MODE OF BEING, in which we DAILY DIE TO SELF and LIVE FOR GOD, THROUGH HIS SPIRIT. But I'm getting off topic. The PROMISE is ETERNAL LIFE and we simply CANNOT inherit that IF WE CLING TO TEMPORAL LIFE. DEATH TO THAT OLD LIFE IS NECESSARY, as that's how wills work; the death required is that of CHRIST on the Cross, which we share through baptism into Him? And WE have to die to because if we DON'T then we CAN'T be GOD'S CHILDREN, since we NEED to be REBORN.
I'm sorry, I'm getting this all confused again.
The point is, God has promised us a HEAVENLY HOMELAND. God has promised us ETERNAL LIFE. God has promised us A PLACE OF REST. But NONE of these Promises CAN come true in THIS life, although by FAITH, our HOPE in them DOES give us JOY AND PEACE even now, and so we CAN wait patiently and with confidence, and IN that very waiting there IS a sort of rest, there IS a new orientation towards eternity now directing our actions, there IS the sweet knowledge that we HAVE a home to go to and ARE on our way. In this way, we too are STILL living out our lives IN the "Land of Promise," even as sojourners, by our FAITH in what God has Promised it WILL be in its right time.]

❓❓❓❓ The EXERCISE of Abraham's faith: he YIELDED an IMPLICIT REGARD to the call of God: He went out, not knowing whither he went.
[Google defines that phrase as "an unconscious or automatic feeling of respect, admiration, or value toward someone... you do not actively think about it... It often shows up as a quick, instinctive reaction...  It develops over a long time based on your life experiences, culture, and habits"??? PONDER THIS??? THIS IS ACTUALLY HUGELY IMPORTANT WITH CONTEMPLATING HOW AND WHY I "REACT" TO GOD IN SUCH UNHEALTHY WAYS (esp. terror, fear, shame, expecting pain & abuse & deception, etc. which are ALL FALSE but are also ALL "AUTOMATIC" and that is as SCARY as it is DEADLY)]
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ [Such] IMPLICIT faith and obedience are DUE TO GOD, and TO HIM ONLY.
[Basically, ONLY GOD MUST BE OBEYED WITHOUT QUESTION. ONLY GOD MUST BE TRUSTED WITHOUT RESERVATION.
BUT does this mean that WE HAVE A DUTY, ESPECIALLY IN AN INCREASINGLY GODLESS SOCIETY, TO PRUDENTLY "QUESTION/ DISCERN" HUMAN AUTHORITIES, AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THEY ALIGN WITH GOD'S AUTHORITY, BEFORE WE CAN IN GOOD CONSCIENCE TRUST THEM AND THUS OBEY THEM (Acts 5:29, Matthew 22:17-21)??????? Because SCRIPTURE SAYS CLEARLY that, when they ARE legitimate authorities, THAT AUTHORITY IS FROM GOD HIMSELF, and THEREFORE WE HAVE A SOLEMN CHRISTIAN DUTY TO OBEY THEM IN HUMILITY"FOR THE LORDS SAKE" (Romans 13:1-2, 1 Peter 2:13-15, Titus 3:1)!!!!!!
Honestly I HAVE NO IDEA and this is a VERY DIFFICULT AND SERIOUS MORAL MATTER in these days so I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO LEARN THE TRUTH.]
🔔🔔🔔🔔 HE PUT HIMSELF INTO THE HAND OF GOD, TO SEND HIM WHITHERSOEVER HE PLEASED.
[This was a GRACE-POWERED DECISION on Abraham's part; to "PLACE" oneself is a DELIBERATE ACTION, to POSITION one's BODY/ HEART/ MIND in a particular place, and to not only STAND STEADFAST there, but in the case of placing oneself in GOD'S HAND, to SURRENDER UNCONDITIONALLY to WHATEVER that Hand would thenceforth DO WITH YOU IN IT.]


💜💜💜💜💜💜💜‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Sarah's UNBELIEF is PARDONED AND FORGOTTEN [even REDEEMED and TRANSFORMED through ISAAC’S NAME????? and therefore giving her a PERPETUAL REMINDER of GOD'S MIRACULOUS LOVE & MERCY??? HIS NAME WOULD BE GOD'S LAUGHTER OF JOY IN DEFEATING ALL DOUBTS AND TRIUMPHING IN LOVE], but her FAITH PREVAILED, and IS RECORDED.
[GOD DOESN'T WANT TO REMEMBER OUR FAILURES; HE WANTS TO FORGET OUR SINS (Micah 7:19, Isaiah 1:18, 43:25, Jeremiah 31:34)-- LOVE DOESN'T REMEMBER THEM BY DEFINITION (1 Corinthians 13:5, 2 Corinthians 5:19)-- RATHER, GOD DELIGHTS TO REMEMBER OUR VICTORIES OF GRACE BECAUSE THEY ARE FOR HIS GREATEST GLORY, THE GLORY OF HIS HOLY NAME (Exodus 34:5-7, Psalm 86:15, Joel 2:13, Psalm 100, 103, 145)!!!!]

Faith has a clear and a strong eye, and CAN see promised mercies at a great distance. [Because distance cannot change truth, and thus] They were PERSUADED of them, that they WERE true and SHOULD be fulfilled. Faith [declares in and of itself] that GOD IS TRUE, and thereby SETTLES and SATISFIES the soul [despite all distance & waiting; the point no longer becomes immediacy of personal possession, but God's trustworthiness and perfect plan????]

🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️They EMBRACED them. Their faith was a faith of CONSENT.
[THIS IS KEY??? FAITH ISN'T PASSIVE OR BLAND; IT ACTIVELY EMBRACES GOD'S PROMISES– AND THAT WORD "CONSENT" IN THAT CONTEXT IS STRIKING; IT IMPLIES THAT WE CANNOT EMBRACE THEM UNLESS & UNTIL WE WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE WITH & CHERISH WHATEVER GOD HAS SAID BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO SAID IT?????]


080326

Aug. 3rd, 2026 06:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)


Unbelievably exhausted this morning

Overwhelming myself with study too
God I just want to READ THE BIBLE why won't I let myself do that without feeling compelled to immediately comment on it, "lest I forget what I read"????
I need more SILENCE so the HOLY SPIRIT can do the commenting!!



Evening =

feeling love for infi all of a sudden, listening to "hello it's me"
ze saying to me, "find your name. please. how am i supposed to know who i am, if i don't know who you are?"



Night =
Lip bleeding again. Of course Lynne teased Laurie about this, "are you gonna kiss her this time?"
BUT THIS TIME LAURIE SAID "YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I WILL"
and oh man it took like a half hour for BOTH of us to get enough nerve and silence to even attempt it, which is a huge part of why it means so much 
and she gets... how do i put it. not scared, not hesitant, not shy, but... vulnerable? she feels the FULL WEIGHT of it, every time, before anything even happens. she KNOWS that each one is a profound event, a moment of crushing intimacy, and she NEVER takes it lightly. i love that. i love her for that.

but yes I ACTUALLY DID KISS LAURIE 
(which only happens a few times a year, which makes it so precious and solemn and important)
and... oh man I FORGOT what that does to my heart
still tears. still hands in my hair. still the taste of blood.
still feels like the end of the world. still feels like coming home after a war.
no one else feels like her. it means everything to me.
she means everything to me. 
i am so glad i am still alive just to have this, to have her, my protector, my violet knight, my warrior angel. 

but i do have to mention one last thing
after this her voice broke and she turned and went to walk away with the emotional force of it all
but then she just... sat right down in her bedside chair
"there's nowhere else i can go" almost laughing
i think chaos 0 knowingly quipped "there's nowhere else you'd want to go"

and she stayed. 
she always does.



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ON TO THE NEXT!

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/mhm/hebrews-11.html


⚠️⚠️⚠️MAJOR WARNING = CALVINISM⚠️⚠️⚠️
(Total depravity, Unconditional election, Limited atonement, Irresistible grace, and Perseverance of the saints; PLUS sola scriptura, sola fide, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, no prayers to Mary or the Saints, penal

[BRO WHY ARE WE EVEN VENTURING INTO THIS MINEFIELD THEN?????? ARE WE RISKING DAMAGE JUST TO FIND GOLD PIECES???? WHY NOT JUST GO TO THE ACTUAL GOLDMINE OF CATHOLIC TRUTH YOU IDIOT]
[BETTER YET, STOP BEING SO DAMN PROUD & PRESUMPTUOUS AS IF A CALVINIST COULDN'T REVEAL ACTUAL GOLD TO YOU NEVERTHELESS. HE STILL LOVES GOD AND SEEKS GOD'S TRUTH FOR GOD'S GLORY AND IF THAT'S YOUR TRUE MOTIVATION HERE THEN YOU WILL RECOGNIZE AND CHERISH IT IN HIM TOO.]

https://www.catholicbridge.com/catholic/bible-catholics.php
[THIS IS YOUR PROPER WARNING]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️Faith and hope [NECESSARILY] GO TOGETHER; and the SAME things that are the object of our HOPE are the object of our FAITH.
[This allows for POWERFUL self-examination.
Whatever we are HOPING for in life reveals WHERE we are putting our FAITH/ TRUST = Whatever/whoever we HAVE FAITH/ TRUST in determines WHAT we will HOPE for.
So seriously think about this. We don't realize how our ENTIRE LIVES are literally SHAPED BY what we believe in and therefore hope for, but it is INEVITABLE, because we were CREATED to trust in GOD and if our trust is MISPLACED then EVERYTHING gets screwed up.
So START with listing your HOPES: with your "dreams & wishes & desires", your "goals & ambitions & plans," with what you "look forward to" and "want to happen" and "work to attain," with what you "expect" and "count on" and "wait for".
Then hold all of them up to CHRIST, and see if they REFLECT or BLOCK His Light.
If your listed "hopes" do NOT take Jesus into account, if they do NOT have room for the Gospel, if they do NOT align with the Word of Scripture, if they do NOT concern the Kingdom of Heaven, if they do NOT have any connection to God's Promises in Christ and thus are NOT "fulfilled" by Him– then they are EMPTY and FOOLISH hopes and they are DOOMED to end in FUTILITY, because they are all the result of a FALSE TRUST. Because let's face it– if your hopes are ultimately WORLD-ORIENTED and SELF-CENTERED, instead of ETERNITY-ORIENTED and GOSPEL-CENTERED, then your FAITH– the TRUST that ANCHORS those hopes in REAL POSSIBILITY– is ALSO inevitably in YOURSELF, and NOT in your SAVIOR. And no matter how hard you trust in your own powers, and hope in your own efforts, you can do NOTHING without God, and whatever you DO accomplish will be WORTHLESS without Jesus.
In the end, there are ONLY TWO OPTIONS: Either our faith & hope is in the LORD GOD, or it is in a CREATURE.
We must place our trust in JESUS CHRIST, or we end up trusting FALSE MESSIAHS.
We must desire and pursue the things of HEAVEN, or we will lust and chase after the things of EARTH.
Our lives must revolve around GOD, or they will be trapped in orbit around SELF.
It really is just that black and white.]

🔆[TRUE FAITH] is a FIRM PERSUASION and EXPECTATION that God WILL perform ALL that he HAS PROMISED to us IN CHRIST;
[because remember, ALL of God's Promises ARE fulfilled IN CHRIST, with NO EXCEPTIONS, because from Eden on down, JESUS WAS ALWAYS THE ENTIRE POINT AND GOAL. And according to Scripture (and testified to by Father Ripperger for the record), Jesus Christ was the entire plan and purpose FROM EVEN BEFORE THE CREATION OF THE WORLD (1 Peter 1:20, Ephesians 1:4, 2 Timothy 1:9)— which makes sense, after all, since GOD CREATED IT THROUGH JESUS (Hebrews 1:2, John 1:1-3), and apparently FOR HIS SAKE (1 Corinthians 8:6, Colossians 1:16-17)!!!!! But I don't understand that enough yet to talk about it, as glorious and beautiful as it is. The point here is that WHENEVER GOD MADE A PROMISE TO HUMANITY, IT WAS ALWAYS PROMISED THROUGH CHRIST (THE WORD) AND MEANT TO BE FULFILLED IN CHRIST (THE WORD MADE FLESH). That is a great and wonderful mystery but IT IS TRUE (2 Corinthians 1:20, Luke 24:44)!!!!!
So THAT'S the main point = that Jesus Christ IS the fulfillment of ALL God's Promises, FULL STOP. And since Jesus Christ EXISTS, then God is PROVEN FAITHFUL to ALL of His Promises OF THE OLD COVENANT– which were ALL MESSIANIC in one form or another– and since GOD CANNOT LIE, then we ALSO have a SURE AND CERTAIN HOPE that EVERYTHING that Jesus (Who IS God Himself) has ALSO promised us in the NEW Covenant WILL COME TRUE. We are FIRMLY PERSUADED that GOD'S WORD IS REALITY and CANNOT BE STOPPED, and therefore that GOD IS INVINCIBLY TRUSTWORTHY to do EVERYTHING He has said, and as a result we CAN and DO have a FULL AND EAGER EXPECTATION, DESPITE ALL ODDS AND APPEARANCES TO THE CONTRARY, THAT EVERYTHING GOD SAID HE WILL DO, HE WILL DO; AND EVERYTHING HE SAID WILL HAPPEN, WILL INDEED HAPPEN– AND ALL WITHOUT ANY POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE OR FRUSTRATION WHATSOEVER.
This is so important and we NEED to LIVE ACCORDINGLY. It's so simple yet so profound. What God has said, is true. If God promised it, Jesus will do it, or already has. What Jesus has said He will do for you in the Gospel, He will do. Literally all we have to do is TRUST and WAIT.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️...and this PERSUASION is SO STRONG, that it GIVES the soul a kind of POSSESSION and PRESENT FRUITION of those [promised] things, and gives them a SUBSISTENCE in the soul, by the FIRST-FRUITS and FORETASTES of them...[that soul] EXPERIENCES a SUBSTANTIAL REALITY in the OBJECTS of faith.
[BY GRACE, THROUGH THE "PLEDGE" OF THE HOLY SPIRIT (Ephesians 1:13-14, Romans 5:5, 8:23, Galatians 5:22, Hebrews 6:4-5, 1 Corinthians 2:9-10), WHO WE RECEIVE THROUGH FAITH AND BAPTISM INTO CHRIST– ALREADY UNITING US TO THE FULFILLMENT, THROUGH HIM & IN HIM?????]
[ALSO REMEMBER, GOD'S WORD IS ALREADY REALITY IN ETERNITY; WHEN WE HAVE FIRM FAITH IN THE INNATE TRUTH AND SURE FULFILLMENT OF HIS PROMISES, THEN BY GRACE WE ARE ENABLED TO "ENTER INTO THEM" EVEN IN THE TEMPORAL NOW, HOWEVER LIMITEDLY AS A RESULT????]
[THE "OBJECTS" = SALVATION FROM DEATH, LIFE AFTER DEATH, BODILY RESURRECTION, FULL SANCTIFICATION, REMISSION OF SINS, ETERNAL LIFE WITH GOD, ETERNAL REST, INHERITING THE KINGDOM, ENTERING THE COMMUNION OF SAINTS, ETC.????? OF COURSE WE LITERALLY CANNOT EXPERIENCE ANY OF THIS ON EARTH, IN PHYSICAL BODIES. BUT BY FAITH THAT WE WILL RECEIVE THEM BECAUSE CHRIST SAID SO (AND YES, WITH CONDITIONS THAT WE MUST RESPECT & OBEY), WE CAN "GLIMPSE" THEM NOW, THROUGH FAITH— NOT THROUGH BODILY SENSES.
I'm utterly failing to phrase this correctly. It's not something words can properly express. But when you DO have faith, you will KNOW what I mean. Somehow, the very TRUST ITSELF makes these holy hopes into REALITY, however unseen & intangible, but more real than anything on this earth nevertheless.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️❤❤ ...so that believers, IN the [very] EXERCISE OF FAITH [in what is UNSEEN in the WORLD and yet SURE by God's WORD], are "filled with JOY, [so immense as to be] UNSPEAKABLE, and full of GLORY" [because this most holy joy comes SPECIFICALLY through BELIEVING IN JESUS, and TRUSTING Him, because we LOVE HIM. This FAITH IN HIM, BORN OF LOVE OF HIM, is what ENABLES us to RECEIVE the SALVATION OF OUR SOULS, THROUGH HIM– WHICH IS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF FAITH (1 Peter 1:6-9, John 3:16)!!!!!!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️Christ DWELLS IN THE SOUL BY FAITH (John 14:23, 1 John 3:24, Colossians 1:27, Ephesians 3:15-16, 2 Corinthians 13:5, Romans 8:9-11, Galatians 2:20), [NOTABLY that this indwelling is not only contingent on FAITH, but on LOVE, and thus on OBEDIENCE, and will ALWAYS be accompanied BY THE HOLY SPIRIT, for the Trinity is ALWAYS TOGETHER!!]
[ALSO note that Christ LITERALLY dwells within our BODIES by the EUCHARIST, too, equally literally SANCTIFYING them in PREPARATION for the PROMISE of RESURRECTION!!!]

🔆 Faith is a FULL APPROBATION (sanction, approval, consent, agreement) of ALL that GOD has REVEALED as HOLY, JUST, and GOOD [and thus FAITH WILL NEVER ARGUE AGAINST, CONTRADICT, RELATIVIZE, OR COMPROMISE ANY OF THESE TRUTHS]
🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 Faith helps the soul to MAKE APPLICATION OF ALL [THESE REVELATIONS] TO ITSELF, with SUITABLE AFFECTIONS AND ENDEAVOURS;
[PROVEN BY DEEDS!!!! But note the "SUITABLE" bit– this implies VIRTUOUS action, NOT mere mechanical performance! For example, when we learn what God has revealed as JUST, then BY FAITH we are to ACT UPON that revelation and DO what GOD says is just, AS OUR STATE IN LIFE ALLOWS, and with SINCERITY, SELFLESSNESS, ZEAL, DILIGENCE, and CHARITY above all!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️and so Faith is DESIGNED to SERVE the believer INSTEAD OF SIGHT, and TO BE TO THE SOUL ALL THAT THE SENSES ARE TO THE BODY.
[THIS IS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS AND STAGGERING IN ITS IMPACT?????? AND YET IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, AND THAT DOES FILL ME WITH IMMENSE JOY– I CAN SEE JESUS, AND HEAR AND TOUCH JESUS, AND EVEN SMELL AND TASTE HIM (!!), EVEN RIGHT NOW, THROUGH FAITH IN WHAT HE HAS SAID– THAT HE IS PRESENT IN HIS CHURCH, AND IN THE SCRIPTURES, AND IN THE EUCHARIST, AND IN THE POOR, AND IN MY SOUL.]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ [ANY alleged "faith"] which does NOT REALIZE INVISIBLE THINGS TO THE SOUL, and DOES NOT EXCITE the soul to ACT AGREEABLY to the NATURE and IMPORTANCE of those things, is [NOT faith at ALL, but merely empty and self-generated] OPINION or FANCY. 
[THIS IS A DEADLY WARNING AND FRIGHTENINGLY CONVICTING. If you're STILL saying "I don't know Jesus" and things like that, IS YOUR FAITH EMPTY??? You claim you believe in heaven and eternal life, and yet you STILL are SO OBSESSED with medicine and nutrition and exercise and all that physical nonsense that you ACT like THIS life is more important!! WHERE IS YOUR FAITH?????]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 The grace of faith has a RETROSPECT as well as PROSPECT; it looks not only FORWARD to the END of the world, but BACK to the BEGINNING of the world [because faith is TRUST in ALL that God has said and done, and thus that encompasses ALL OF HIS WORDS & WORKS IN TIME– BECAUSE EVERYTHING ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF HIS WORD].
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓❓❓❓ By FAITH [in the Invincibly Efficacious Word of the Omnipotent Creator of the Universe, which is stunningly REVEALED to us in SCRIPTURE in a TRUE way that we mortals can comprehend], we UNDERSTAND MUCH MORE of the formation of the world than EVER COULD be understood by [only] the naked eye of NATURAL REASON. Faith is NOT a FORCE UPON the understanding, but a FRIEND and a HELP to it.
[ENABLING us to ascertain the FULL picture, of BOTH physical and spiritual realities, because they are BOTH REAL and BOTH VITAL and BOTH INTERCONNECTED-- man himself is body AND soul, INSEPARABLE!!!]

🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓❓These things we UNDERSTAND BY FAITH. The Bible gives us the TRUEST and MOST EXACT ACCOUNT of the ORIGIN of ALL things, and WE ARE TO BELIEVE IT,
[THIS DOES NOT MEAN THE CREATION ACCOUNT IS "LITERAL"– THE HEBREW POETRY OF IT ALONE PROVES THAT GOD IS COMMUNICATING FAR DEEPER & RICHER TRUTHS ABOUT CREATION AND HUMANITY THAN A MERE TIMELINE OF EVENTS.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️  It is observable that the Spirit of God has not thought fit to say anything here of the faith of our first parents; and yet the church of God has generally, by a PIOUS CHARITY, taken it for granted that GOD GAVE THEM REPENTANCE AND FAITH IN THE PROMISED SEED,
that HE INSTRUCTED THEM IN THE MYSTERY OF SACRIFICING, that THEY INSTRUCTED THEIR CHILDREN IN IT,
and that THEY FOUND MERCY WITH GOD, AFTER THEY HAD RUINED THEMSELVES AND ALL THEIR POSTERITY.

[REALIZE IN THIS FACT THAT LITERALLY FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, FROM THE VERY FIRST SIN-- AND ARGUABLY THE "WORST SIN", FOR IT DOOMED ALL MANKIND-- GOD IMMEDIATELY SHOWED UNFATHOMABLE MERCY AND COMPASSION TO THE SINNERS WHO LITERALLY DESERVED DEATH ON THE SPOT. THIS SHOWS THAT THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A TIME IN ALL HUMAN HISTORY WHEN GOD HAS NOT BEEN GRACIOUSLY MERCIFUL TO SINNERS. THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE.]
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ But God HAS left the matter STILL UNDER SOME DOUBT, as a WARNING to ALL who [like Adam and Eve] have GREAT TALENTS GIVEN TO THEM, and a GREAT TRUST REPOSED IN THEM, that THEY DO NOT PROVE UNFAITHFUL, since [despite all His mercies to them after their sin,] God would NOT enroll our first parents among the number of BELIEVERS in this blessed calendar [because their sin had been ENTIRELY AGAINST BELIEF].
[GOD'S MERCY IS REAL, AND IS SURE, BUT SO IS HIS JUSTICE, AND THE ONE WILL NOT EXCLUDE THE OTHER.]
 
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ By [Abel's FAITH,] he, being dead, yet speaketh. He had the HONOUR to leave behind him an INSTRUCTIVE SPEAKING CASE;
[i.e. God LET his memory continue on FOR THE SAKE of instructing others IN the faith he exemplified???]

...and what does it speak to us? What should we learn from it?
💜💜💜[1.] That fallen man HAS LEAVE to GO IN TO WORSHIP GOD, WITH HOPE OF ACCEPTANCE.

[Never take this for granted, or undervalue it. We ALWAYS have hope of acceptance, if we sincerely seek it as Abel did. This is PURE MERCY.]
🌟🌟🌟[2.] That, IF OUR PERSONS AND OFFERINGS BE ACCEPTED, IT MUST BE THROUGH FAITH IN THE MESSIAH.
[i.e., as Abel, through HUMBLE CONFESSION OF ONE'S OWN HELPLESS NEED FOR A SAVIOR, AND FIRM FAITH IN GOD'S PROMISE TO SEND ONE– and, for us particularly, FIRM FAITH IN THE SAVIOR GOD HAS SENT!!!!
BUT I'm admittedly still struggling to understand how OUR offerings and persons ARE accepted THROUGH FAITH IN JESUS, specifically as the ONE PERFECT SACRIFICE???? Check the Catechism please!!!]
🙏🙏🙏[3.] That ACCEPTANCE with God is a PECULIAR and DISTINGUISHING FAVOUR.
[This means that GOD IS NOT OBLIGATED TO ACCEPT US???? Because OUR offerings, by themselves, are inherently IMPERFECT????? IS THIS WHY CHRIST MAKES THEM ACCEPTABLE— THROUGH UNIFYING OUR SACRIFICE WITH HIS OWN????]
["FAVOR" IS GRACE, AND IT IS NOT EARNED OR DESERVED, AND CANNOT BE, EVEN WITH OUR BEST EFFORTS, because Gods grace is INFINITE, and it is A GIFT BY ITS VERY NATURE??? GOD DOES NOT GIVE HIS GRACE BASED ON OUR "GOOD PERFORMANCE" BECAUSE THEN THE MOST NEEDFUL PEOPLE WOULD BE EXCLUDED????? AND GRACE IS NECESSARY TO BE "FAVORABLE" LIKE ABEL WAS, BECAUSE FAITH ITSELF IS A GRACE???? But Cain WASN'T favored with acceptance because his offering DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE GRACE and DIDN'T SHOW FAITH IN THE MESSIAH????? SO GOD COULDN'T FAVOR HIM BECAUSE CAIN EFFECTIVELY HADN'T ADMITTED THAT HE NEEDED GRACE?????
I'm just confusing myself.]
💔💔💔[4.] That those who OBTAIN this FAVOR from God MUST EXPECT THE ENVY AND MALICE OF THE WORLD. 
[Notably, this envy and malice is the DIRECT RESULT of our connection to/ unity with JESUS, THROUGH our faith????]
("I have given them Your Word. And the world hates them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world." John 17:14)
("If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me first. If you were of the world, it would love you as its own. Instead, the world hates you, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. Remember the word that I spoke to you: ‘No servant is greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will persecute you as well; if they kept My word, they will keep yours as well." John 15:18-20)
("
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you." Matthew 5:11-12)
("If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed; because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. On their part he is blasphemed, but on your part he is glorified." 1 Peter 4:14)
("
Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother’s were righteous. So don’t be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you." 1 John 3:12-13)

‼️‼️‼️[5.] That God will NOT suffer the INJURIES done to his people to REMAIN UNPUNISHED, NOR will he leave the SUFFERINGS of His people UNREWARDED. These are very good and useful instructions, AND YET the blood of sprinkling speaketh BETTER things than that of Abel.
[IN CHRIST, EVEN THE DARNEL CAN BE TRANSFORMED INTO WHEAT. God waits until the very end to punish injuries, because it is a greater glory for Him to heal the injuries of BOTH parties– to heal the SOULS of the OFFENDERS so that GOOD CONQUERS EVIL and sin does NOT have the last word!!! And honestly, if I were the injured party, I would consider THAT the "reward" of my suffering– for my suffering to somehow– through Jesus Christ– be made the means for God to save the one who inflicted it upon me, and for BOTH of our souls to get to heaven, where together we will praise the merciful love of God forever!]
❤❤❤[6.] That GOD WOULD NOT SUFFER ABEL'S FAITH TO DIE WITH HIM, but would RAISE UP OTHERS, who should obtain like precious faith; and so he DID in a little time; for in the next verse we read about ENOCH.
[FAITH SUBSISTS FOREVER AMONG MEN, DESPITE EVERYTHING, BECAUSE GOD IS THE ONE WHO GIVES IT.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Enoch WALKED WITH God, that is, that he was REALLY, EMINENTLY, ACTIVELY, PROGRESSIVELY, and PERSEVERINGLY RELIGIOUS IN HIS CONFORMITY TO GOD, COMMUNION WITH GOD, and COMPLACENCY IN GOD.
[STUDY THIS IN SERIOUS EARNEST, AND, BY GRACE & PRAYER, IMMEDIATELY WORK TO IMPLEMENT IT AS YOUR WAY OF LIFE.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ ...before his translation he had this TESTIMONY, that he PLEASED God. He had the EVIDENCE of it IN HIS OWN CONSCIENCE, and "the SPIRIT OF GOD WITNESSED WITH HIS SPIRIT" (Romans 8:16)
[WHY IT IS SO HARD FOR ME TO TRUST MY CONSCIENCE???? WHY AM I SO AFRAID THAT IT'S TOO CORRUPT?????
PLEASE PRAY ABOUT THIS]






080226

Aug. 2nd, 2026 08:56 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

On couch, halfdreaming about being up in Diamew as a kid WITH GRANDMA and EVERYTHING IS SO BEAUTIFUL


VOTD PEV starting the day with a GUTPUNCH
Luke 12:15 PEV
"Then he said to the people, “Think carefully about this. Don’t be greedy. Don’t try to get more things than you need. You can’t get real life from the things you own, even if you are rich.”
Luke 19-21 PEV
"...Then I will say, “Ah. I’ve got lots of stuff now. I’ve got enough in those sheds to last me for a long time. I don’t have to do any work. I can just sit down and eat, and drink, and be happy.” ’ But God said to him, ‘You are stupid. You are going to die tonight. Then what will happen to all this stuff in your sheds? Who will get it? Not you.’ That is a picture story to tell you people this. If you keep money and things just for yourself, and if you don’t use them the way God wants you to, you are stupid.” "


Headache this morning. Probably from 22 HOURS FASTING AGAIN
But we're actually getting to eat breakfast at 1145 instead of 1pm so THAT HELPS A LOT THANK YOU GOD



Night =
Vocation research inspired by WEEPING over IFCJ letter (as usual). Feeling so drawn to the Little Sisters of the Poor???
Kitchen religious paperwork cleanup
Finally reading some of the kids religious books on the shelf so we can donate them to actual kids. BEAUTIFUL illustrations though. I wish I could draw like that.



Suddenly remembering what it felt like for Infi to front
I miss that so much. I forgot it for years. I miss feeling hir speak through my mouth, move in my body, love through my physical existence. I can never have that again, but oh how beautiful it was. How I've forgotten. How dearly I miss it now.
God I love hir so much, deep down, where I still can't feel it yet, when did I get so numb to everything?
Please, please help me feel that again.
...Can I even feel it again, without hir?


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/loi/hebrews-11.html

⚠️WARNING = ARMINIANISM⚠️
(i.e. sola scriptura, sola fide, no purgatory, only 2 sacraments, no pope, penal or governmental atonement)

💔💔💔💔⚠️⚠️⚠️The generation of the Exodus is NOT usually looked upon as a faith generation... quite the OPPOSITE is often said of them.
[And why? Because they CONSTANTLY COMPLAINED. Take this as a severe warning against that same deadly habit in yourself.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ However, they DID express a GREAT amount of faith when they took their families INTO THE HEART OF THE SEA. This was APPARENTLY A NIGHTTIME EVENT (Exodus 14:19-27) and the WIND, WATER and DARKNESS ALL COMBINED must have been a FEARFUL SIGHT to them. THEY PASSED THROUGH THIS DARK TERROR BY FAITH.
[I NEVER NOTICED THE TIMING BEFORE and it is STRIKING— EVERYTHING BEGINS AS NIGHT FALLS (the pillar is STILL CLOUD as it moves?), the Wind of God blows "ALL NIGHT LONG," and THAT is when Israel apparently crosses through the "middle of the sea"– literally IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. It is "in the MORNING WATCH" (around 3am?) when the Egyptians finally go in after them and God terrifies them with a glance, and it is "AS DAY BROKE" that God sends the sea back to drown then. THE LIGHT OF DAY ONLY APPEARS AT THE VERY LAST INSTANT WHEN THE ENEMY IS FINALLY AND ABSOLUTELY DEFEATED, and NO SOONER. This says a LOT about how God works His mighty deliverances– with how the Exodus itself is a "principle" of the faith journey (a divine pattern repeated over and over through the ages, consummated in Christ, and continued today through His Church), this entry INTO it must ALSO be??? I know I can speak from experience that God Absolutely does this for me– He delivers us IN THE MIDST OF DARKNESS Because THAT is when we HAVE to walk by FAITH!!!!! It's also striking that the other sources of terror are the WIND and the WATER... THE VERY THINGS GOD IS USING TO DISPLAY HIS POWER AND DELIVER THEM. This is HOLY FEAR in its most sensible aspect. We SEE the evidence of His terrible omnipotence, His absolute sovereignty, and (with the Egyptians) His inescapable JUSTICE– and yet simultaneously we also see the evidence of His great MERCY and LOVE and omnipotence to SAVE, BY THOSE EXACT SAME MEANS. It's awesome in the truest sense of the word; it brings you shaking to your knees, even as it gives you the strength to take that step forwards. But REMEMBER, most critically of all, that Israel ONLY took that step and KEPT walking RIGHT THROUGH that terrible scene BECAUSE GOD TOLD THEM TO (Exodus 14:15), and PROMISED that HE WOULD RESCUE THEM (Exodus 14:13). All Israel had to do was STAND FIRM and NOT BE AFRAID; literally, to "KEEP CALM" (Exodus 14:14). ALL of these commands were ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH RADICAL FAITH. If they TRULY TRUSTED that God WOULD rescue them, then no matter WHAT terrors they were facing here in the middle of the night in the middle of the sea, GOD'S WORD WAS SURE and so they COULD BE CALM through their confidence in Him; they had NOTHING TO FEAR from either nature or the pursuing army, for God was controlling the former and defeating the latter. They COULD STAND FIRM, not only physically on "dry land" both as they crossed and as they reached shore, but also spiritually as they were firmly anchored in GOD'S TRUSTWORTHINESS, their true "foundation" and "rock", the real "solid ground" upon which they could rest after all their tumultuous trials. THEY STOOD FIRM, KEPT CALM, AND FEARED NOT THROUGH FAITH IN GOD, WHO HAD PROMISED TO FIGHT FOR THEM AND RESCUE THEM. And this is EXACTLY what God wants ALL OF US to do whenever we go through "deep waters" in life, whenever we are "chased by Egypt," whenever we are "in the middle of the night" and the storm is raging. No matter how fearful and terrible our circumstances are, God STILL speaks the SAME words to ALL of His people: "stand firm, keep calm, fear not, and MARCH ON." Even AS evening falls, and we are surrounded by fears, God IS with us (John 20:19). The Wind and Water are His servants (Luke 8:24-25 Psalm 107:79, Proverbs 30:4), and so is the darkness (Amos 5:8, Psalm 74:16, Isaiah 45:7). The night WILL pass, and "with the dawn comes rejoicing" (Luke 24:24). No matter what, the dawn WILL come, and TRUSTING in this, our faithful walk through the night– and all its terrors– will be a beautiful witness to Him, for others to follow, for His glory (Luke 1:76-79). So HAVE FAITH. God IS with you, even now (Psalm 139:9-10), for He has PROMISED this (Deuteronomy 31:6, Isaiah 41:8-14, Leviticus 26:11-12, Matthew 28:20, John 14:16-17, Psalm 94:+4, 145:18, Revelation 21:3).]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ...but the same could NOT be said of the Egyptians who were DROWNED in the depths. It is possible that the Egyptians HAD A LOT MORE COURAGE than the Israelites but unfortunately THEY DID NOT HAVE ANY FAITH.
[THIS IS ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL!!!!! True courage comes FROM faith!! The courage that is SELF-WILLED, based on HUMAN strength and bravado, is PROUD & VAIN and IT WILL COLLAPSE ENTIRELY WHEN FACED WITH THE AWFUL POWER OF GOD. Paradoxically (as God loves to do), only the meek, humble, surrendered, FAITHFUL soul can "stand before Him", because that soul LOVES Him and LIVES by that love (1 Thessalonians 3:12-13), and THAT is the ROOT of ALL TRUE FAITH and the FIRE of ALL TRUE COURAGE. When we LOVE God, we TRUST God, and therefore NOTHING can shake us, and so we are FEARLESS to OBEY and FOLLOW and SERVE and WITNESS to God NO MATTER WHAT. We can walk right through the midnight sea and "keep calm" the whole time, because we love the One Who is in control of it all, and we trust His Words regardless of appearances. We have faith that whatever He wills for us is exactly what we need, because it IS His Will, and so we enter the wilderness and endure suffering and take up our cross with COURAGE because it is all from His Hand, and we love Him, and He loves us. Our courage has nothing to do with ourselves– we might still be terrifically weak and helpless and worthless in the eyes of the world, maybe even in our own physiological capacities. This doesn't matter to faith. If God has said He will do something for us, or through us, or in us, then our own apparent incapacity isn't even a factor. We could never cross the ocean on our own two feet, but when God tells us to march on nevertheless, we move. We do what He says, and we have faith in His purposes, and ALL our courage comes from FAITH, no matter now naturally frightening the situation may indeed be. But we CHOOSE to TRUST the God we love, our Savior and Redeemer, and we obey with COURAGE. Our strength comes from CHRIST in us, and not from ourselves. Thus God is glorified in our weakness, and He will bring us safe to shore.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ We can but imagine the darkness of that night, the wind, the mighty waves, the roaring of the sea, and the screams of the drowning. WHAT A FEARFUL SIGHT AS GOD FOUGHT FOR ISRAEL!
[THIS IS STRIKING and SOBERING and VERY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER = GOD'S DELIVERANCE ISN'T ALWAYS "PRETTY" OR "FAMILY FRIENDLY". My life is proof of this, too, arguably. Sometimes, in order to save your life and rescue from evil, there's going to be a LOT of noise and chaos and even screaming. It might look like a disaster scene; it might be objectively terrifying. But here's the key as to WHY = because IT'S A BATTLE. God is FIGHTING for you– for your SOUL– and He will NOT hold back. War is never nice to look at, and if God has to take you through a spiritual warzone in order to redeem you from hell, then He WILL. Just remember WHY he's doing so, and what the STAKES are, and you will realize why this "FEARFUL SIGHT" is NECESSARY. After all, the story of this miraculous deliverance became INFAMOUS among the pagan nations SPECIFICALLY because it WAS so terrifying and dramatic, and THAT TAUGHT THEM THE FEAR OF GOD, and surely SAVED SOULS as a result– it sure saved Rahab and her family! "The FEAR of God is the beginning of WISDOM," after all. But the main point is, WHEN GOD FIGHTS FOR YOU– meaning, when your soul IS in a warzone, and you ARE under attack and you ARE in danger from the enemy– IT WILL BE A FEARFUL SIGHT. (Just read the Book of Revelation and you will see!) But oh, what a fearful blessing it is to be the faithful one that such an awesome God is fighting FOR!]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️The RECORD of Israelite FAITH was apparently SUSPENDED for forty years...
[THAT’S TERRIFYING?????? WERE THEY SO DROWNED IN DESPAIR AFTER THEIR SENTENCE (Numbers 14:22-23+27-35) THAT THEY JUST STOPPED CARING????? After all, it was RIGHT AFTER THAT that they MARCHED AGAINST ORDERS (14:40-45), a man CARELESSLY BROKE THE SABBATH (15:32-36), the REBELLION OF KORAH happened (16:1-35) and the PEOPLE BLAMED MOSES for it (17:6-14), and after even FURTHER BLAME & COMPLAINT, EVEN MOSES FELL (20:2-13); and yet they STILL HAD NO PATIENCE (21:4-9), and even GAVE IN TO GRAVE SIN (25:1-9)!!! It also seems that they DISOBEYED A BAN (31:14-17) and ALMOST GAVE SCANDAL (32:6-15)??? And most of all, RIGHT BEFORE they were to FINALLY enter Canaan, GOD HIMSELF PROPHESIED that, despite everything, Israel would STILL BE UNFAITHFUL TO HIM (Deuteronomy 31:16-30, 32:5-6+15-21)!!!!!!
Really the ONLY "records of faith" in Israel that I can find at such a quick glance (besides Moses and Aaron, aside from their one fatal rebellion at Meribah) are PHINEHAS (25:6-13), possibly the REUBENITES & GADITES (Numbers 32:31-32), and (according to Rahab's account) the DEFEAT OF SIHON & OG (21:21-35)– but the first example was ONLY ONE GUY, the second example was ONLY TWO TRIBES, and the third example may simply have been more of a military zeal than real personal trust in God as God, even if it still did abound to His Glory.
Heck, we might even say that BALAAM– a GENTILE who practiced DIVINATION!– showed more faith than most of Israel, because he REFUSED to act WITHOUT God's direction (Numbers 22:8+19-20), EVEN at GREAT PERSONAL EXPENSE (Numbers 22:18, 24:10-13), OBEYED WITHOUT QUESTION (Numbers 22:13+21+35), even with GREAT REVERENCE (Numbers 22:31+34, 23:3), and REFUSED to BETRAY this trust (Numbers 22:38, 23:8+12+26)— and BECAUSE of this unexpected and shockingly honest faith in a God he has likely never known or heard of before– even if his faith was therefore NOT as personal and true as ONLY Israel's faith COULD be and was MEANT to be, but tragically WASN'T yet– GOD IS ABLE TO SEND HIS OWN SPIRIT UPON HIM (Numbers 24:1-4) AND SO USE HIM AS HIS WILLING INSTRUMENT to speak a GREAT & POWERFUL PROPHETIC BLESSING UPON HIS BELOVED BUT UNFAITHFUL ISRAEL, AND A CURSE AGAINST THEIR ENEMIES (Numbers 23:5-24, 24:2-9+14-24)— despite the HORRIBLE fact that IMMEDIATELY AFTER this report, Israel "GIVES ITSELF OVER TO PROSTITUTION" WITH IDOLS (Numbers 25:1-3). They had NO IDEA that their TRUE & FAITHFUL HUSBAND (Jeremiah 31:32) had not only just LAVISHED SO MUCH GRACE upon their future, BUT had LITERALLY JUST PROTECTED THEM FROM BEING CURSED BY THE EXACT SAME NATION THEY WERE NOW "SLEEPING AROUND" WITH, WHICH RESULTED IN THEM ONLY "CURSING" THEMSELVES (Numbers 25:4+9). Nevertheless, God STILL TOOK VENGEANCE on behalf of His poor Bride (Numbers 25:17-18)– just as He had REFUSED to let Midian curse Israel so they could be destroyed physically (Numbers 22:6), so now he REFUSED to let them seduce Israel so that they would be destroyed spiritually.
But I digress. The point is the SHOCKING CONTRAST illustrated here– how a "professional diviner" from Mesopotamia showed more loyalty to the LORD than His Own people did. The story of Balaam therefore stands, in both content & placement, as a SEVERE & DIRECT REBUKE against ISRAEL'S CONSTANT DOUBT, DISTRUST, INFIDELITY, and NONCOMMITTAL ATTITUDE... which vices tragically CONTINUE in the "NEW ISRAEL" of the CHURCH TODAY, I must tragically concede. Lord help us.
In any case, YEAH, FOR 40 YEARS THERE REALLY WASN'T ANY RECORD OF SINCERE FAITH IN ISRAEL AS A NATION. That is SCARY!]
[ACTUALLY, LATER SCRIPTURE IS PROVING ME ABSOLUTELY WRONG ABOUT BALAAM???? APPARENTLY HE WASN'T AS FAITHFUL AS HE APPEARS--- according to Numbers 31:16 and Revelation 2:14, he basically BETRAYED THE LORD and HE WAS THE ONE THAT CAUSED THE DISASTER OF NUMBERS 25?????? BECAUSE HE COULDN'T CURSE THEM OUTRIGHT????? AND JUDE 1:11 SAYS IT WAS BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY DID WANT BARAK'S REWARD AFTER ALL. SO WHAT HE SAID IN NUMBERS 22:18 WAS ULTIMATELY A LIE. MAN THAT'S PURE EVIL I AM SO SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW THIS BEFORE I TYPED ALL OF THE PREVIOUS STUFF]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️...but it had APPEARED AGAIN at the ENTRY INTO CANAAN, and especially at the DESTRUCTION OF JERICHO.
[What made it return? WAS IS THE CROSSING OF THE JORDAN (Joshua 3-4), a sort of "SECOND CHANCE" OF THE RED SEA, AND WITH THE SAME FAITHFUL EFFECT?????
In any case, Jericho’s fall was ENTIRELY the result of faith, which is SO MUCH MORE MIRACULOUS AND BEAUTIFUL when you now realize that THAT EVENT WAS THE FIRST MAJOR SHOW OF FAITH IN ISRAEL IN FOUR DECADES.]
[ACTUALLY, JOSHUA 5 DESCRIBES THE CIRCUMCISION OF THE NEW GENERATION BORN TO ISRAEL IN THE DESERT– the event that FINALLY brought them INTO THE COVENANT, and therefore which MUST have been an act involving FAITH IN THE COVENANT GOD– upon the completion of which God notably says, "TODAY I HAVE TAKEN THE SHAME OF EGYPT AWAY FROM YOU"!!! So THIS TOO SURELY COUNTS.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ The Israelites, being a DESERT people, were NOT SKILLED OR EQUIPPED in the ARTS of CONQUERING WALLED CITIES. [And God "ARRANGED FOR" THAT "weakness" ON PURPOSE, so that they would be LITERALLY UNABLE to claim ANY sort of strategy or victory on their own! They had NO HOPE OF DOING ANYTHING ON THEIR OWN. And so, being brought to a place of humility and surrender by this realization, they had "NO CHOICE" but to TRUST IN GOD, Who had ALREADY PROVEN what He could do for them– and even better, had PROMISED to do EVEN MORE. They literally had nothing to lose but their pride– and that was WORTH losing! So] instead, they FOUGHT AGAINST THE CITY WITH FAITH [in GOD'S "art and skill," so to speak?]... the people MARCHED in faith, SHOUTED in faith, and TOOK THE GREAT CITY of Jericho in faith.

💡💡💡💡 While it is noticeable that the ANGEL addressed Gideon as a "MIGHTY WARRIOR" (Judges 6:12), the truth [as far as current circumstances and appearances were concerned– which God may have been seeing entirely through and past–] was that HE WAS HIDING FROM THE ENEMY in a winepress at the time!
[Was God therefore speaking to Gideon as HE saw the boy– as what God was CALLING him TO become, and was thus DESTINED to IF he only HAD FAITH and OBEYED?]
[ALSO, who's to say that Gideon's "hiding" made him any less of a warrior? He had no chance of overcoming them WITHOUT God's call, so his actions here were PRUDENT– and also HUMBLE, for he RECOGNIZES and ADMITS that he is the "least important" in his "weakest clan," NOT claiming ANY sort of position or ambition, NOR jumping arrogantly on the angel's call to arms! His "hiding," as opposed to going out as a braggart, actually MADE him MORE valiant than he would have been if he had TRIED to be something he KNEW he WASN'T– and COULDN'T be, UNTIL NOW, when that was GOD'S decision for him and NOT HIS OWN!]
[FOR THE RECORD.... Gideon was only "hiding in the winepress" because he was THRESHING WHEAT there, TO HIDE IT FROM PILLAGING INVADERS, so that HE COULD FEED HIS FAMILY. This was IN ITSELF a valiant action!!!]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ...Gideon also REQUIRED some "fleece miracles" from the Lord BEFORE he WOULD venture into the great battle.
[AGAIN, THIS WAS HOLY PRUDENCE, NOT UNBELIEF– if he HADN'T had faith, he WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED, let alone trusted the angels words at all– OR PULLED DOWN THE BAAL ALTARS AT GOD'S COMMAND (Judges 6:25-29)!!!! So this commentator is not doing Gideon justice at ALL. Without going overly in depth with him right now (although now I really WANT to, for justice's sake), Gideon actually asked for those "fleece miracles" AFTER ALREADY CALLING HIS ARMY TOGETHER (Judges 6:34-35). His requests were NOT an act of cowardice or refusal whatsoever; rather, I would argue that he was very wisely exercising the DISCERNMENT OF SPIRITS??? He did NOT want to take on this massive endeavor IF THERE WAS ANY CHANCE THAT HE WAS ACTING ON PRIDE, OR DECEIVED BY A PROUD SPIRIT???? He specifically says, "LORD, if it is REALLY YOU delivering Israel BY MEANS OF ME, AS YOU HAVE SAID..."!!!!! So EVEN IN this request he is DECLARING HIS FAITH IN THE LORD AND IN HIS WORDS!!!! His concern is whether or not he himself, as a mere man prone to weakness and deception, was somehow being LED ASTRAY by either his own desires, however honorable in the eyes of man (even if only his zeal for God's Name, which he had just demonstrated!), or by some cunning and deceptive spirit that was pushing him to act WITHOUT the LORD'S decree???? I'll have to check the church fathers on this. But in any case, I strongly feel that this "required proof" of God's guidance WAS done IN FAITH, ESPECIALLY since as SOON as he gets it, he gets up "EARLY NEXT MORNING" and IMMEDIATELY gets to work doing what God had asked of him— and God IMMEDIATELY speaks to Him to guide him, notably to FURTHER humility and radical obedience– proving further, I daresay, that He was pleased with his servant's humble actions in NOT having just charged on forward in assumed confidence!]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️BARAK is mentioned next, and on the SURFACE he does not come off as a great man of faith.
[This hits hard and significant. It implies that faith is NOT always visible "on the surface"– although faith MUST be proven by DEEDS– because faith, to be true, has its roots DEEP WITHIN a person? Faith isn't something we "show off" or "make apparent", and it CERTAINLY isn't seen by people who "don't believe in faith" to begin with! But the real point here is, YOU CANNOT JUDGE SOMEONE'S FAITH IN GOD "ON THE SURFACE". Really you shouldn't EVER judge that at ALL, but the point stands. WE may not deem someone's actions as displaying any sort of faith in God, but WE DON'T KNOW THEIR HEART. Their deeds, seemingly devoid of any virtuous display to a judgmental eye, may be in God's eyes rich with powerful trust and humble obedience. THAT'S what matters, and I think THOSE kinds of faithful acts– ESPECIALLY those done in private, without any chance of recognition or reward– actually "carry MORE weight" of glory than do those performed publicly and with obvious religiousness. God "gazes into the depths" and "sees what is hidden" and as long as we're NOT actively burying or hiding our faith, then it doesn't matter if our deeds OF faith "come off as such" to others, or if others even know we're doing them. After all, "If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with important responsibilities... Anyone who can be trusted in little matters can also be trusted in important matters. But anyone who is unjust in small matters will be unjust in great matters also." The principle is that, you CANNOT do great works of faith UNLESS you have ALREADY demonstrated, to GOD and not to men, that you CAN and HAVE BEEN faithful, CONSISTENTLY, in "little things." And ONLY THEN will your heart be HUMBLE ENOUGH and STEADFAST ENOUGH for God to be ABLE to lead you to do "great things" FOR HIS HONOR ALONE, and not seeking ANY of your own "surface glitter". No one may think of you as a "great man of faith" and that doesn't matter, as long as your sole purpose and desire is to live by faith nevertheless, even unto death, even if only God ever "sees past the surface" to your heart for Him.]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️Deborah the prophetess INSTRUCTED him to gather an army and fight against Sisera... the problem was that Sisera had chariots of iron and the Israelites had only foot-soldiers. Barak REFUSED to go UNLESS Deborah WENT with him (Judges 4:8).
[The problem here was that Barak MADE HIS OBEDIENCE CONDITIONAL????]
(Judges 4:8 CEVDCI = “I'm not going unless you go!” )
❌❌❌❌ She reluctantly did so, [NOT TRUE!!!!! She actually says something like "I will CERTAINLY/SURELY go with you"!!! Was this perhaps because she KNEW– by God, inevitably– that he WOULD need prophetic guidance in order to do this????]
❓❓❓❓❓We might see Barak's refusal as a SLIGHT expression OF faith since Deborah was reputed to be GOD'S SPOKESWOMAN...
[And perhaps she was grateful that he WOULD ask her INSTEAD of thinking "oh okay, sure, I can just ask God on my own", not having ever before dared to assume he had any right TO do so?????]
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Later, Deborah DID tell him EXACTLY WHEN TO ATTACK...
[But maybe God had WANTED Barak TO be so bold as to GO WITHOUT THIS "EXTERNAL REASSURANCE," because Judges 4:7 has God TELLING Barak that "I WILL deceive Sisera, the leader of King Jabin's army... I WILL put them all under your power"??????]
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️...and [when Barak attacked when Deborah said,] there WAS a COMPLETE ROUT of the superior army [AS GOD HAD ALREADY PROMISED!!!!!]
[THE CONSEQUENCES of his hesitancy to obey unconditionally = "...the Lord is going to let a woman defeat Sisera, and NO ONE will honor YOU for winning the battle.""
[AND YET HE IS BEING HONORED – BUT FOR HIS FAITH??????]
❓❓❓❓❓❓ It was a FAITH BATTLE from beginning to end.
[OKAY I NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS GUY TOO BECAUSE NO ONE HAS YET GIVEN ME A SUFFICIENT ANSWER AS TO WHY HE IS SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED AS A HERO OF FAITH, DESPITE EVERYONE EMPHASIZING HIS HESITATION????]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Jephthah gained an outstanding victory over the Ammonites... [but he] was a FAMILY OUTCAST who LED A BAND OF OUTLAWS before [being MOVED BY GOD (Judges 11:29) to] his mighty victory [for which he FULLY CREDITED GOD (Judges 11:9+30), and, PRIOR to this, even "DEFENDED GOD'S RIGHTS" WITH ZEAL AGAINST HIS ENEMIES (Judges 11:12-27)!!!]

🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💜💜💜💜💜💜 The [inevitable moral failures of human frailty] of these [men who are nevertheless hailed as "heroes of faith" even to take encouragement and inspiration from as EXAMPLES?] help us to see that GOD [FREQUENTLY AND DELIBERATELY] USES FALLEN HUMAN BEINGS FOR [HIS PURPOSES OF SALVATION]... GOD SEEMS TO DELIGHT IN USING IMPERFECT PEOPLE TO ACCOMPLISH GREAT THINGS, THROUGH HIS GRACE AND THROUGH THEIR FAITHhowever "small" that faith may be.
[THIS COUNTS FOR YOU TOO. DO NOT DESPAIR. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T EVER GIVE UP ON FAITH, HOWEVER FRAIL AND FEEBLE IT IS, GOD CAN (AND WILL???) STILL USE YOU TO DO REAL GOOD FOR HIM.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ When we think of "those whose weakness was turned to strength" we think again of SAMSON, whose strength returned to him [BY PRAYER!] although he was defeated and blinded.
[THAT’S A STRIKING APPLICATION OF THIS VERSE!!!! ALSO REMEMBER IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE HIS HAIR STARTED GROWING BACK-- THE PHYSICAL SIGN OF HIS CONSECRATION TO GOD, WHICH ONLY RETURNED AFTER HE HAD BEEN COMPLETELY HUMBLED AND EVEN MADE HELPLESS WITHOUT GOD????
PONDER THIS MUCH FURTHER BECAUSE I FEEL AN UPSETTINGLY UNEXPECTED AFFINITY WITH THIS POOR MAN'S MESS OF A LIFE]





071726

Jul. 17th, 2026 09:43 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)



PURPLE AIR QUALITY.
COULDN'T GO TO MASS.
ABSOLUTELY RUINED ME

RAGEWEEP EMOTION ALL MORNING
Coinciding with "I DON'T CARE I WANT TO DIE"
IS THIS OVERWHELM REACTION TOO?????

Stupid nutrition appointment
I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL
Still obediently ordered the vitamin d

I hate phones and I hate stickers and i hate food and I hate the modern world
I want to live in a cloister
I want to live for God and in God alone
WHY ARE THERE NO CARTHUSIAN NUNS IN AMERICA

https://universalis.com/podcasts.htm?selected=133
STRIKINGLY RELEVANT TO TODAY'S APPOINTMENT & SITUATION


I feel so absolutely broken and lost today.
I've been thinking about the world too much.
I need to retreat from everything and just go into the silent solitude with Jesus. I seriously need to bury myself in prayer like Iscah used to. I need to just drown myself in the Gospel.
I don't want anything but God. I am so happy that this life is temporary. I cannot wait for it to be over so it is just God forever.




Ezekiel 8:3 = LAURIE DOES THAT TO ME TOO

Evening =
Unexpectedly inspired (by local air quality reports of all things) to tune into my old fave 99.5 WUSR SCRANTON!
THEY'RE STILL PLAYING GOOD STUFF 20 YEARS LATER GOD BLESS THEM


Night =
TBAS MESSAGE AND MUSIC.
THAT JOY MADE UP FOR ALL THE MISERY OF THE REST OF THIS DAY


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/dsb/hebrews-11.html
⚠️WARNING = LIBERAL EVANGELICAL⚠️


Finally, this passage not only tells us of the FAITH of Moses; it also tells us of the SOURCE of that faith. Hebrews 11:27 tells us that Moses was ABLE to face all things "AS ONE WHO SEES HIM WHO IS INVISIBLE."

("It was BY FAITH that Moses left Egypt without fear of the king's anger; [in doing so,] he held to his purpose [of decisively forsaking Egypt and its idols, so as to permanently ally with Israel and the LORD], [and he persevered in this trajectory despite all odds and obstacles, despite all sacrifices and struggles,] like someone who could see the Invisible [which, by faith, he "could"– Moses "saw" God through TRUST that God WAS REAL, and WAS Present in the world and WAS working in history, and most of all WAS WITH HIS PEOPLE. Moses didn't need to physically see "a god" like the idols of Egypt; he didn't need some visible earthly object to focus his faith upon. Stripped of everything, Moses fled into the wilderness, as mapless and uprooted as Abraham had been, and apparently just as confident that God would nevertheless lead him where God wanted him to go. God would answer prayers at the proper time, God would give signs as needed; God would act in mysterious and unexpected ways, through people and circumstances both, to accomplish His purposes and bring Moses into them. Moses could "see" God's Hand at work in all of this, because Moses BELIEVED that God was working, and Moses TRUSTED Him in that work. Faith is what ENABLED Moses TO "see" "the Invisible One" moving amongst the visible things of His Creation. Moses's sight, the focus of his mind, was "set on heavenly things," for he truly had "died" to his old life in the Egyptian courts, in order to live for God (Colossians 3:2-3). Despite the hardships he was facing and would continue to face as a result of his now-decisive commitment to the LORD, Moses held fast to his faith, because surely– like his ancestor Abraham– he knew that there was a heavenly reality, an eternity, a true life and higher world in which God dwelt and to which he too was somehow called by God's Promises? Ultimately not even death itself could change that. And so Moses persevered in his purpose of faith, pressing onwards according to his hope in God and all that God's existence implied, even if he couldn't "see" it literally (2 Corinthians 4:18, 5:7); he KNEW God's Promises for Israel were true and he KNEW he himself belonged to that people and he KNEW that they had a destiny far greater than they could imagine– a "covenant in perpetuity" (Genesis 17:7), promises made "forever" (Genesis 13:15). I'm trying to say that Moses "saw" God's faithfulness proven in the history of Israel, and he "saw" that faithfulness continuing in the future yet to come, because God would NOT change Who He was and His Promises WOULD be fulfilled– and those Promises were of DELIVERANCE (Genesis 15:13-16). I am assuming Moses knew of these Promises from his mother and father, who surely would have taught him these heart-close hopes of his people, their holy heritage. How else would Moses come to know Who the One True God was, the God of Israel, the God of the patriarchs? So yes, Moses "saw" the invisible God because God loves to act incarnationally, even in subtle ways, always making Himself "visible" to those with eyes of faith TO see. Without faith, every man is blind (Romans 1:19-21, Jeremiah 5:21, Matthew 13:15).]")
[Oh man you'll have to forgive me, I forgot that this verse in Hebrews is apparently referring to Moses leaving Egypt IN THE EXODUS. But actually that only emphasizes my point. God made Himself VERY VISIBLE to Moses then, not only personally in the burning bush but publicly in the PLAGUES! Even the Egyptians "saw God by faith" then, however dimly (Exodus 8:15, 9:20, 10:7, 12:36)!!! But their faith– their implicit "trust" that the LORD was real and really acting in their midst, and should be feared– was not like that of Moses. He believed in and feared and trusted God not out of awestruck terror, but out of gratitude and love??? Because he came to know God FROM HIS MOTHER, who must have told him the stories of Abel and Noah and Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and especially Joseph, stories of God's persistent preservation of His people as his precious possession, of God's pledged Promises and protective Power, of God's Plan and Purpose even from the Protoevangelium. Even as a child, surely Moses "saw" God in his mother's love, in his father's care, in his sister's loyalty, in his family's– his people's– hearts. And he would have HELD FAST to that all the while he grew up with his adopted family, as the anchor of his identity, and the beacon of his future. But the point is, Moses had EARLY ROOTS to his faith in God, so as to grow DEEP with time and reflection, and those roots were NOT planted by some mere sudden display of divine wrath (however valid and real that is), but by knowledge of God's Covenantal Character. Egypt may have indeed LEARNED God's Name (Exodus 5:1), but they did not KNOW God's Name (Exodus 5:2). And THAT'S why Moses was able to act without fear of Pharaoh OR of natural terrors during that entire time of plagued and judgment– because Moses knew God's Name (Exodus 3:13-15). Moses knew Who God Was to His people (Exodus 3:6-10), and Moses TRUSTED in God's TRUSTWORTHINESS. Moses had FAITH that God would Always be True to His Name and His Word, and so Moses knew he had nothing to fear from anyone or anything that SEEMED to stand in contradiction. Moses "saw" what could not be seen by appearances alone, just as Abraham "saw what was unseen" on his way to Moriah. Both men took God at His Word, and by that heroically childlike faith, they were indeed "able to face all things".]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤❤❤ The OUTSTANDING CHARACTERISTIC of Moses [that was the very ROOT giving LIFE to his faith] was THE CLOSE INTIMACY OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
❤❤❤ In Exodus 33:9-11 we read of how he went into the Tabernacle; "and the Lord used to speak to Moses FACE TO FACE, as a man speaks to his FRIEND."
[NOTE that IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS is that timelessly gorgeous exchange where Moses asks, "please show me Your Glory" (Exodus 33:17-23), leading to the LORD’S definitive declaration of His Name in Scripture (Exodus 34:5-7)!!!]
[But ALSO note that, PRIOR to that magnificent revelation and DURING this very cited Tabernacle interaction, God tells Moses outright that "My Face you CANNOT see, for NO human being can see Me and survive... you WILL see My Back; but My Face will NOT be seen" (Exodus 33:20,23)!!! So there is a PARADOX OF GREAT MYSTERY HERE and I WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT IT but now is not the time. For now, it is vitally interesting to note that IN SOME WAY, Moses WAS indeed "SPEAKING face to face" with God, and yet Moses DID NOT SEE God's Face– because, as God Himself stated, NO ONE CAN... at least, I daresay, not until Jesus Christ is born.]
❤❤❤❤‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️In Numbers 12:7-8 we read of God's verdict on Moses when there were those who were ready to rebel against him: "with HIM I speak MOUTH TO MOUTH." 
["AND HE SEES MY FORM"!!!!!!! This is HUGE, considering that in the Exodus verse we JUST READ, we were told that God's Face CANNOT be seen– but His BACK can be, and now so too His FORM!!! And yet, MOSES IS STILL MOUTH TO MOUTH WITH GOD. That's as close as you can GET to someone's face!!! Man I NEED to understand all this better, this is BEAUTIFUL and SO STRANGE and WONDERFUL.
But I CANNOT go any further in depth with either of these verses now; there's WAY too much essential context required and it all deserves devotedly deep attention and FAR more time and effort than I can possibly give on this phone.]
[NOTE, HOWEVER, that these two amazing examples are from AFTER THE EXODUS!!!!! These show the beautifully profound depths his faith matured into the capacity for– and thus which were granted by God, NOT "achieved" by merit or effort! Moses became God's true and trusted friend, became so intimate with God as to effectively kiss Him, only through God Himself DRAWING him so close by GRACE. Moses's part was simply to be faithful to that grace, by obedience and humble listening and prayer, by conversation and company, by fidelity in big and small matters, by trusting God's Word and doing God's work and serving God's people. Moses had the exact same responsibilities of faith as we do, for Moses was of the Church of God too, even as it existed yet in type, for Christ was still their Promise and their entire life hinged upon Him as does ours.
But remember that this ALL STARTED with LEAVING PHARAOH'S HOUSE. THAT was the DECISIVE BREAK away from pagan culture and worldly adoption, the FIRST CONCRETE ACTION TAKEN OF FAITH that forever transformed Moses's identity and future path. But this action ITSELF, remember, started with MOSES'S FAMILY. They are the faithful ones who planted the seeds of faith in Moses, which took root over decades until finally bursting forth on that fateful day of visitation, and slowly maturing further to finally bear good fruit when God called Moses from the burning bush– and he believed and obeyed. THAT'S the REAL moment when Moses's PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD BEGAN. By the time Moses stood at the Red Sea with the Staff of God in his hand, he KNEW Who he was following through the waters, and he KNEW He could be trusted without fail, and so Moses wasn't afraid of Pharaoh OR of all his armies. God had Promised (Exodus 3:12, 14:1-4+15-18), and God WOULD fulfill.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ To put it simply— the "secret" of Moses's FAITH was that MOSES KNEW GOD PERSONALLY. [In going out] to EVERY TASK, Moses first CAME OUT FROM GOD'S PRESENCE.
[Oh man NOTE THE CONTEXT. We CANNOT know God personally if we DON'T "GO IN TO GOD'S PRESENCE" to MEET HIM and BE WITH HIM. THAT'S WHY BOTH PRAYER & HOLY MASS ARE CRUCIAL!!!]
[This ALSO implies that OUR FAITH MUST FUEL ALL OUR ACTIONS– basically and stunningly, that ALL OUR ACTIONS MUST BE DONE IN FAITH. No exceptions! God is EVERYTHING! If we're in a RELATIONSHIP with Him– a COVENANT relationship, even a MARRIAGE in Christ– then by definition, our life must be ONE WITH HIS. We are to share ALL of ourselves with God, EVERY last bit and moment of our daily existence. THIS IS WHAT WE WERE CREATED FOR, and IT'S WHAT HEAVEN IS. We have the sacred privilege of living a "preview" of that NOW, through grace and the Holy Spirit, by which GOD MAKES US HIS DWELLING. We have SO MUCH MORE capacity for intimacy with God than Moses did– and yet, we must USE that capacity LIKE he did: by GOING INTO GOD'S PRESENCE, specifically BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING. After all, if faith is TRUST, then to NOT do this (like EVE DIDN'T) would show that we DON'T trust GOD, but rather OURSELVES! And our faith would DIE. The ONLY way to LIVE, therefore, is to KNOW GOD (John 17:3), and like Moses, we know Him FIRST by FAITH (Romans 10:17). Then it is up to us to SEEK HIS FACE (Psalm 27:8), which we– as Moses had always yearned to– CAN see, BY FAITH, IN JESUS CHRIST (John 14:6-11)– Whose Face is actually Present in EVERY SINGLE EUCHARIST.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟It is told that, before a great battle [as our life on this earth is constant spiritual warfare, and the battle for our souls is the greatest possible crusade];
🌟Napoleon would stand in his tent alone [like our true and only Commander and King, Jesus Christ, always stands and waits for us in every Tabernacle, as He did in the Holy of Holies of old– even literally in a tent in the wilderness];
🌟he would send for his commanders to come to him, one by one [like faithful Christians who come to Him in prayer– even when we pray as a group, God meets each of us personally and directly, always as individuals; He calls each of us by name as those whose faces He knows well and whose lives He cherishes equally];
when they came in, he would say no word [like how God paradoxically "speaks" in the silence, both externally (1 Kings 19:11-13) and internally (Matthew 6:6)],
🌟but would look them in the eye [as God is always looking upon us, and most strikingly so in the Eucharist– when the Sacred Host is exposed, God is literally looking at us],
🌟and shake them by the hand; [Genesis 19:16, Isaiah 41:13, 42:6, Jeremiah 31:32, Psalm 37:24, 73:23, Mark 1:31, 5:41, 8:23, 9:27, John 10:28-29, 13:3, Acts 3:7, 9:41. In difficult and dangerous times, when we are sick and suffering and even dying, when our struggle with sin and the devil has grievously wounded us, when we are alone and lost and near despair– in all these times of warfare, when we are about to fall in our weakness, God "takes our hand" in His Own. Scripture speaks of Him repeatedly using this powerful yet intimate gesture of strength and caring love to HEAL and GUIDE and PROTECT and SAVE us– and by HIS SPIRIT in the CHURCH, God now uses US and OUR hands AS HIS OWN, for WE ARE CHRIST'S BODY. Remember this the next time you shake hands with someone at Mass. In that touch, you have become, in a small & brief but real & meaningful way, a tangible point of contact between that person and Christ's personal love for them– and they have become the same for you.]
🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤ ...and they would go out PREPARED TO DIE FOR THE GENERAL WHOM THEY LOVED. [THIS IS THE POWER OF LOVING ACTIONS (1 John 3:18)— BOTH GOD'S FOR US, AND OUR FOR GOD. God knows us by name, and He specifically calls out for us, to draw us to Himself, to come to meet Him personally and privately, where He gazes upon us face to face, and takes us by the hand, and in that moment we KNOW we are known– seen and valued and important and loved. So what do we do in return? We OBEY. We come to Him when we are called. We gaze upon Him, we give Him our hands, we LET ourselves be known and loved– and in that surrender we LEARN how to love, and then we GO OUT AND LIVE IT. "We love, because God loved us first" (1 John 4:19). And how does God love us? SACRIFICIALLY (1 John 4:9-10, Mark 10:45, John 10:11+15, 15:18-20, Romans 4:25, 5:8, 8:32). And so, IN LOVE FOR HIM, WE DO THE SAME (Acts 7:54-60, 9:16, Galatians 2:20, 2 Timothy 3:12, Matthew 5:10-11, 10:22, 24:9, John 15:18-21, 16:2, 11:16, Philippians 1:29, 1 Peter 2:20-21, 3;14, 4:12-14, Romans 8:17, Revelation 2:10, 2 Corinthians 4:8-11, 1 John 3:13, Philippians 3:10), AS HIS BELOVED AND AS HIS SOLDIER– AND NOT ONLY FOR HIM, BUT FOR OTHERS (John 13:34-35, 1 John 3:16, 4:7-8+11-12, John 15:13, Ephesians 5:2, Colossians 1:24)– for THOSE HE HIMSELF WAS "PREPARED TO DIE FOR," AND DID.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ THAT IS LIKE MOSES AND GOD. Moses had the FAITH he had BECAUSE he KNEW God in the WAY he did.
[NOT MERE DATA KNOWLEDGE (SECONDHAND) OR OBSERVATIONAL KNOWLEDGE (DETACHED), BUT RELATIONSHIP KNOWLEDGE (PERSONAL)!]

When we come to a task STRAIGHT FROM GOD'S PRESENCE, NO task can EVER defeat us [because GOD is the One Who GAVE them to us].
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ Our FAILURE and our FEAR are so often due to the fact that WE TRY TO DO THINGS ALONE (Proverbs 16:18, Job 8:13-15, John 15:4-5, Mark 4:40, Luke 6:49, Matthew 14:30-31, Psalm 127:1) (the ANTIDOTE, the SOURCE OF OUR COURAGE AND STRENGTH, is to SEEK HIM IN STEADFAST LOVE and ASK HIM IN HUMBLE HOPE and TRUST HIM WITH CHILDLIKE FAITH and WAIT FOR HIM IN STEADFAST PATIENCE, so as to NEVER ACT WITHOUT HIM— basically PSALM 27!!!) (ALSO Matthew 7:7-8, 15:25, Deuteronomy 31:6, Exodus 14:14, Psalm 9:10, 16:8, 22:19, 25:15, 30:10, 34:4, 37:5, 40:4, 54:4 55:22, 56:3, 62:6, 91:14-15, 105:4, 121:2, Proverbs 3:5-6, 16:3, Joshua 1:9, 1 Chronicles 16:11, 2 Chronicles 14:11, Isaiah 12:2, 26:3, 40:31, 41:13, 1 Peter 5:7, Philippians 1:6, 4:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9!!!!)
The SECRET OF VICTORIOUS LIVING is TO FACE GOD BEFORE WE FACE MEN.
[AND, THEREBY, TO CARRY HIS LIGHT AND TRUTH WITH US WHEN WE DO SO— SO AS TO CARRY OUT HIS WILL AND NOT OUR OWN, AND IN DOING SO, TEACH OTHERS TO DO THE SAME (Exodus 34:29-32).]



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‘FOR YOU, Lord, my HEART will LIVE; You GAVE ME BACK MY SPIRIT; You CURED me, You KEPT ME ALIVE, You CHANGED my sickness into health.’
[...this is making me think of Infinitii, so much. Ze is my heart, born from my spirit; ze needs to be cured and changed from hir wounds... and God has, indeed, kept hir alive, albeit in a strange and distant way... but ze is alive, thank God, thank God. Ze just needs to be reborn. 
So do I.
Pray about this.]




071626

Jul. 16th, 2026 09:56 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)



Broccoli trouble again
Bad batch apparently. Thank God I only bought 8.
Still, Mary used this as the way to get me to "feast" a little on her holy day

The sun is ORANGE wtf this is so weird

There's a major historical eclipse coming up in August btw. DO NOT MISS IT.
I hope Infi will be fully back with us for that.
(Go back and read that entry btw. Remember exactly how it originally felt. Please. That's so important.)

SO weak & confused & disoriented STILL.
At least the headache has Considerably lessened

B IS FLYING IN TO VISIT NEXT WEEK?????
Update = I guess not. Oh well.
Pondering this anyway. I don't think I've seen him in three years????

FINALLY subscribed to Biblehub because honestly I use it every single day but the ads keep using OVER 1GB of phone memory so NOT ANYMORE

READ MATTHEW 1-7 ON THE BIKE!!!!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
FINALLY OH MAN MY HEART NEEDS THIS SO BADLY.

Recalibrating the Spotify algorithm with GREGORIAN CHANT

SUDDEN ABSOLUTELY INSANE EMAIL =
I AM UNEXPECTEDLY OBLIGATED TO GET A NEW PHONE????????
Update = my payee might have accidentally ordered the BLUE color. You know how much I dislike blue.
I'm genuinely panicked over this. How foolish and worldly! What a fitting rebuke from God for my stupid ambitious pride and luxurious greed.
Serves me right. If I have to get a blue phone, it will remind me of Mary's humility and meekness, in blinding contrast to my selfish idiocy.

Honestly I am SO ASHAMED & HUMILIATED by this and THANK GOD for it.
THANK YOU GOD for revealing to be this HUGE AND UGLY ANCIENT VICE that I didn't realize I was still entirely enslaved to.


SUPER SCARY LATE BK OH MAN
GOD HELP ME OUT I KNOW YOU WILL.




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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/dsb/hebrews-11.html
⚠️WARNING = LIBERAL EVANGELICAL⚠️

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 There came the day when Moses had to MAKE ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FIRST PASSOVER... Moses not only made these regulations for the night on which the children of Israel were leaving Israel; he also laid it down that they were to be observed ANNUALLY, FOR ALL TIME. That is to say, HE NEVER DOUBTED THE SUCCESS of the enterprise, NEVER DOUBTED THAT THE PEOPLE WOULD BE DELIVERED FROM EGYPT and that some day THEY WOULD REACH THE PROMISED LAND.

[GOD COMMUNICATED IT AS SUCH (Exodus 12:1-3+14-20), and MOSES STATED THE SAME (Exodus 12:24-27), with a particular emphasis on the annual Passover being PROOF OF GOD'S FAITHFULNESS TO HIS PROMISES (v.25)!!!! Moses KNEW that IF GOD SAID IT, IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. These future directions, therefore, were essentially a GUARANTEE that they WERE going to escape Egypt, and WERE going to not only REACH but also SETTLE DOWN in the Promised Land!!!]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💜💜💜 Here was a band of wretched Hebrew slaves, about to set off on a journey across an UNKNOWN desert to an UNKNOWN Promised Land, and here was the whole power of Egypt hot upon their heels– yet MOSES NEVER DOUBTED THAT GOD WOULD BRING THEM SAFELY THROUGH.
[BECAUSE GOD HAD PROMISED, HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO, TO NOT ONLY GIVE ISRAEL THE PROMISED LAND (Genesis 12:7), BUT ALSO TO DELIVER ISRAEL FROM EGYPT (Genesis 15:13-16)– PROMISES HE HAD JUST RENEWED TO MOSES AND EVEN DESCRIBED IN DETAIL (Exodus 3:6-22)!!!!!
GOD HAD ALSO JUST PERSONALLY PROVEN HIS ETERNAL & PROTECTIVE LOVE FOR ISRAEL IN THE MOST DRAMATIC MANNER (Exodus 7-12), and AFTER such a DIRECT DIVINE DEMONSTRATION, it would have been INSANITY to DOUBT that LOVE!!!!!!]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔🔔 Moses was PRE-EMINENTLY the man who HAD THE FAITH that, IF GOD GAVE HIS PEOPLE AN ORDER, GOD WOULD ALSO GIVE THEM THE STRENGTH TO CARRY IT OUT.
[This means so much to me. ...I tend to forget it, or even doubt it, which is so terrible of me. I'm not used to being treated this way; it feels "wrong" to my human upbringing. But who cares? God has PROVEN that HE is OTHERWISE, and I MUST TRUST THAT, no matter how shocking and even scandalous it is to my foolishly proud brain.
When God tells me to do something, He NEVER expects me to do it "by my own power." He NEVER tells me to something that it would be impossible for me to obey. God WILLS for His Will TO BE DONE, and so it is only JUST for Him to ENABLE that.
...But even that, true as it is, is too coldly logical. God doesn't give me orders as a "boss", and me as merely manpower, as a human resource, prone to fail and be punished severely. No. God gives me orders AS A GOOD FATHER to a BELOVED CHILD. Yes His Will must be done, but He ENABLES ME TO DO IT. He KNOWS I'm a child, and HE DOESN'T EXPECT ME TO BE "PERFECT"– JUST WILLING & TRUSTING. Am I making any sense?
"This is impossible for mere humans, but not for God; all things are possible for God." (Matthew 19:26)
I cannot forgive on my own. I cannot be humble and meek on my own. I cannot ever be heroically virtuous on my own, and thus I can never be a saint on my own. But God has called me to do all these things, and BECAUSE He HAS called me, He HAS made available to me the GRACE that is REQUIRED for me TO do those things. The only obstacle is MY FREE WILL. God has given me the order to "love my neighbor as myself" and He has simultaneously given me the grace to love at all. How does He do so? Through HIMSELF. It is ONLY through MY FAITH IN HIM that I can do what God Wills for it is is GOD Who ultimately DOES those things IN me????
"I can do all things which He has called me to do through Him who strengthens and empowers me to fulfill His purpose." (Philippians 4:13)
"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him." (Philippians 2:13)
"I am the vine and you are the branches. The one who remains in Me, and I in him, will bear much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)
"I'll place my spirit within you, empowering you to live according to my regulations and to keep my just decrees... I will take the initiative and you will obey my statutes and carefully observe my regulations... I will enable you to live by my laws, and you will obey my rules." (Ezekiel 36:27)
"That’s why I work and struggle so hard, depending on Christ’s mighty power that works within me... I toil and struggle, using the mighty strength which Christ supplies and which is at work in me." (Colossians 1:29)
"We don't have the right to claim that we have done anything on our own. God gives us what it takes to do all we do... There is nothing in us that allows us to claim that we are capable of doing this work. The capacity we have comes from God." (2 Corinthians 3:5)
Etc. Scripture is VERY CLEAR on this point.
WE CANNOT OBEY GOD WITHOUT HIS GRACE, AND SO WHEN GOD ASKS FOR OUR OBEDIENCE (WHICH IS ALWAYS), HE ALWAYS GIVES US GRACE TO OBEY, BY HIS SPIRIT, THROUGH OUR FAITH.
Why? Because HE IS GOOD, and HE DOESN'T WANT US TO DIE THROUGH DISOBEDIENCE.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤❤❤ Moses KNEW WELL that God does NOT summon his servants to a great task and "LEAVE IT AT THAT"; GOD GOES WITH THEM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.
[THIS IS EVEN MORE ASTOUNDING. God DOESN'T just "give grace" and then "stand back and watch"!!! No. It seems that, in order for us TO receive God's grace, and thus to OBEY God, we ALSO have to receive GOD'S SPIRIT (Ezekiel 11:19-20, 36:27, Romans 8:4-9, 1 John 3:23-24)???? And therefore, WHENEVER God gives us a command AND so ENABLES us to OBEY it in TRUTH, we could say that the very CAPACITY FOR OBEDIENCE is GOD'S PRESENCE IN US????
And therefore, WHENEVER we CHOOSE to obey God, it is BY GRACE, and thus the WHOLE PROCESS of our obedience is ENABLED BY GOD'S SPIRIT, meaning that He is LITERALLY "with us every step of the way" because WITHOUT HIM, WE WOULDN'T and COULDN'T BE "ON THE WAY" AT ALL!!
So this is both deeply humbling (we are literally entirely helpless & powerless to do anything good without God) and overwhelmingly joyful (because we are so helpless God comes to our aid every time). It's a truth so beautifully merciful it's stunning.
"But Christ has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you (My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough, and always available, regardless of the situation); for My Power is being perfected (and is completed and shows itself most effectively) in your weakness... My gift of undeserved grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak."
Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the Power of Christ may completely enfold me and may dwell in me... Most gladly therefore will I boast of my infirmities rather than complain of them– in order that Christ's power may overshadow me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).
The point is, by the very "mechanics" of grace, we are NEVER "left alone" in our efforts to be FAITHFUL and OBEDIENT. As long as we CHOOSE and DESIRE to do God's Will, and yet KNOW that we CANNOT do so by our own strength, and so LOOK to God FOR His "grace in time of need", then He WILL come to our aid, for He is Just and Good and Loving like that.
Really, I talk too much about these things. The Truth is always so beautifully simple.
"Jesus prayed this prayer: “O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding these things from those who think themselves wise and clever, and for revealing them to the childlike."" (Matthew 11:25)
We CANNOT enter the Kingdom of Heaven "unless we change and become like little children" (Matthew 18:3), not merely through the virtues of guilelessness and humility and trust and purity of love, but also in simplicity of mind. A loving and loyal child neither questions nor overthinks what their beloved Father says. We have to not only "take God at His Word," but we must also trust that God's Word is sufficient unto itself, and thus never act like we can explain it better than He can.
God gives His commands to us His children, and then He "holds our hands" and walks us through it by His Own strength. All we have to do is give Him our hand and let Him lead us. It's as simple as that.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️(v) There was the great act of the crossing of the Red Sea. There we read of how the children of Israel were wondrously enabled to pass through, and of how the Egyptians were ENGULFED when they tried to do the same [by their OWN power and will; rather insanely, as if THEY could possibly keep the waters standing in the meantime!].
[Also note the word "ENGULFED". This was NOT a "passive" miracle, something of mere "fortune or chance" that could be exploited or taken advantage of by another party. No, Egypt would learn that God was ACTIVELY INVOLVED, and so there was NO ESCAPE for those who were arrogant enough to think they could "count themselves in" on this miracle, especially when they were doing so to destroy the very people the miracle was FOR! So in ironic justice, that "raging sea" (Isaiah 17:12) that was trying to "swallow" Israel (Psalm 124:3) was itself "engulfed" by the waters of God's Judgment.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟It was AT THAT MOMENT that the FAITH OF MOSES COMMUNICATED ITSELF TO THE PEOPLE and DROVE THEM ON when they MIGHT well have TURNED BACK.
[THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. Exodus 14:13-16+21-22 shows that Moses not only showed his faith by WORDS, but by DEEDS– Moses DELIVERED God's message, and THEN he ACTED ON IT, and BY HIS obedient faith Moses "PROVED" to Israel (once again) that GOD was faithful!!! If they hadn't had such a leader– if Moses hadn't been so firmly trusting in God, and so fearless to live according to that trust– they would have crumpled in their doubts. Poor Israel was so feeble in faith; their exile had made them spiritually anemic. God was actively using Moses's faith to literally infuse some of that same life and zeal into their hearts! Moses was not only EXHORTING and ENCOURAGING them (Hebrews 10:23-25), but he was EXEMPLIFYING those very things to them. Like the Good Shepherd he typified (Psalm 77:20), Moses led them by faithful example, giving them the needful pattern to imitate, because they had no idea what faith looked like yet.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💜💜💜💜💜💜💜‼️‼️‼️‼️Here we have the FAITH of a leader AND of a people who were PREPARED TO ATTEMPT THE "IMPOSSIBLE" AT THE COMMAND OF GOD, [because GOD NEVER COMMANDS THE IMPOSSIBLE] realizing that the greatest barrier in the WORLD is NO barrier IF GOD BE THERE TO HELP US OVERPASS IT.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ ...To Moses BELONGED the FAITH to ATTEMPT what APPEARED to be the most insurmountable fences in the CERTAINTY that GOD WOULD HELP the man who REFUSED TO TURN BACK [in DESPAIR=UNBELIEF] and INSISTED ON GOING ON [IN FAITH].
[THIS ONLY APPLIES TO OBEDIENCE TO GOD'S WILL!!!!!! GOD WILL NOT HELP US IF WE "INSIST ON GOING ON" IN OUR OWN STUBBORN WILL!!!!!]

 



062526

Jun. 25th, 2026 09:57 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


Still only 6 hours of sleep

Collect insight
Gospel hit different
Unexpected brilliant Homily
Asking for Infi's insight on the Eucharistic Species

THIS IS SO VITALLY IMPORTANT
https://youtu.be/xfDks9mOKro?is=eps6YHvQxJ3wOlhk
Reminding me that SUFFERING/ LIMITATIONS/ INFIRMITIES OF MY HUMANITY ARE GIFTS FROM GOD THAT ENABLE ME TO TRANSCEND ("DIE TO") MY OWN SELF & ITS DESIRES AND INSTEAD OFFER MYSELF FOR OTHERS IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE!!!! THIS IS THE POWER OF THE CROSS!!!!!!!



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https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/bcc/hebrews-11.html

⚠️WARNING = ARMINIANISM⚠️

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💜💜💜 Indeed, in another sense, "human sacrifice" IS YET REQUIRED of [us Christians, because by grace we are already CALLED to offer sacrifice AS PRIESTS, and we deeply DESIRE in our hearts to] TRULY serve God [in the way HE desires. And these two things, combined, make us realize that the sacrifice God desires of US is the SAME that CHRIST HIMSELF offers to God– "a BODY You have prepared for Me... Here I am [as the TRUE Sacrifice], to DO YOUR WILL" (Hebrews 10:5-10)!!! So we, like Isaac, like Christ, MUST OFFER OURSELVES TO GOD EVERY DAY, even EVERY MOMENT, willingly picking up our cross and walking to the mountain of God, knowing that the altar awaits us. But we do this WITHOUT FEAR because we do this WITH FAITH, which blossoms into LOVING OBEDIENCE, because we belong to a LOVING God of LIFE Who KEEPS HIS PROMISES and will NOT "abandon our soul to death" so that EVEN OUR BODY CAN REST IN SECURE HOPE (Psalm 16:9-10), no matter how much or how many of our bodily powers we may indeed be called to "sacrifice" at God's command. It will NOT end in death, but in the glory of God, through our union with Christ crucified (John 11:4).
Human sacrifice was misunderstood and perverted because people did not know God or His Son. But when Jesus came, He purified and clarified and perfected and fulfilled that human spiritual instinct, showing that its origin and end were always in Himself. After all, WORSHIP is the purpose of all creation, and the heart of ALL worship is SACRIFICE– which, I repeat, did NOT "require" NOR even involve death until sin entered the world, because THEN sacrifice was SPECIFICALLY oriented BY GOD towards FORESHADOWING THE CRUCIFIXION, which was the ONLY acceptable "act of worship" POSSIBLE to humanity in the wake of sin. Thus, the entire idea of "human sacrifice" was only ever meant to be self-sacrifice, but without the curse of death. And now that Jesus HAS accomplished this, He has also ENABLED US TO do so as well IN & WITH Him by His Spirit (Romans 12:1), THROUGH ACTIVE PARTICIPATION IN THE HOLY MASS. This is the deepest and truest method of "self-sacrifice" we can offer, as Isaac did, as well as the most perfect & pure worship we can offer, because we offer ourselves WITH Christ AS PART OF HIS BODY. THIS IS HOW WE OFFER TRUE WORSHIP OF GOD, and TRULY SERVE HIM AS HE WISHES, because the Sacrifice of the Mass is the Self-Sacrifice of JESUS CHRIST, and as He lovingly deigned to UNITE US TO HIMSELF AS HIS BRIDE, so now He graciously INCLUDES US IN HIS SELF-OFFERING, for God's greater glory, for our sanctification, and for the salvation of the whole world. And yes, as His Mystical Body, THIS IS REQUIRED OF US. There is "no greater love" (John 15:13), and this love is our purpose (CCC 1-3) (also Luke 10:27, John 13:34, 1 John 2:3, John 17:3, John 3:16, Ephesians 1:4-6, etc).]

[But as regards the sacrifice of children, this most abominable corruption has ALSO been corrected and clarified in Christ, Who was and is the ONLY "sacrificed child" EVER "permitted" by God, for God is the ONLY One to hold ANY claim or control over human Life, and Jesus's death was GOD OFFERING HIMSELF. There are no exceptions. But this was what God wanted to show us through Abraham and Isaac– that the ONLY proper sacrifice, the ONLY acceptable offering to God, was that of FAITHFUL OBEDIENCE & TRUSTING SURRENDER given FREELY & WILLINGLY in HUMILITY & CHARITY— and all of this in a SINLESS STATE. ONLY JESUS CHRIST was even CAPABLE of doing ALL of this, but Abraham & Isaac did foreshadow it, albeit in a very imperfect manner, and inevitably tainted by sin (shown in the very method God chose as a type!). The Akedah was meant for HOPE, for RECOGNIZING THE MESSIAH; it was NOT meant to stand by itself in history, for its very intention and execution was specifically and meticulously designed by God TO be Christological– INCLUDING the denunciation & forbidding of child sacrifice! Note that God the Father did NOT "pick up the knife" Himself (Acts 2:23, Luke 22:22, John 19:11). God the Father did NOT act in response to any "higher authority" because there IS NONE OTHER than Himself (Isaiah 40:13-14, Deuteronomy 32:39, Hebrews 6:13). But God the Father was present IN & WITH His Son (John 10:30, John 5:19, Colossians 2:9) even as the Son OBEYED His Father when He was told to SUBMIT TO CRUCIFIXION (John 8:29, 16:32), because the whole design was NOT death (Hebrews 5:7, Acts 2:24), but LIFE (Isaiah 53:10) & GLORY (John 12:27-28, Hebrews 2:10, Matthew 20:19) & SALVATION (Romans 3:25, John 14:20, 2 Corinthians 5:19). God therefore DID NOT "KILL" HIS OWN SON. We did. And THAT'S why child sacrifice is STILL arguably the MOST SATANIC EVIL in our world today.
So how does this apply to Abraham and Isaac, and then to us? Quite simply= God DOES NOT EVER WANT, ASK FOR, OR ALLOW ANY ACTUAL SACRIFICE of this sort. But God DOES desire, and even COMMAND, that we "sacrifice our firstborn" in a CONSECRATORY (Exodus 13:2, Numbers 8:17, 13:13) and REDEMPTIVE sense (Exodus 13:13-15, Exodus 34:20). This means that WE DO NOT "KILL" THEM EITHER, but WE "DIE TO OURSELVES" THROUGH THEM, IN "OFFERING THEM UP" TO GOD AND THUS LETTING THEM GO OURSELVES. Abraham did not lose his son physically, but he DID "die to" his own will concerning his son– he surrendered everything about Isaac to God, without loving Isaac any less, and without becoming distant or cold towards his dear son. No, by offering Isaac to God as BELONGING to God– for God had GIVEN Isaac and had a CLAIM on Isaac as His Own– Abraham recognized & accepted that not even this miracle child could EVER be held as more important than the God Who MADE him. It is in this sense that Isaac "died" to Abraham– NOT as a severance of relationship, but as a detachment of need. Any idolatrous attachments to his child had now died. Any selfish ambitions and ideas for his child had now died. Any emotional projection or clinging or dependency had now died. Isaac as an "idea" had now died. Isaac, in whatever way Abraham had been "defining" him to himself until then, had now died. Now there was only Isaac reborn, resurrected, given entirely to God and then given entirely back, but consecrated to the full. Isaac had died to who he was, even as Abraham died to who he was to him. Now, Isaac was entirely God's, for now Abraham's mind and heart had made the offering, and Isaac was to be a "new creation" living this new life to begin a new people for a new purpose... Isaac had to die to himself in order for God to make of him something infinitely greater than himself. Isaac had to die to self to live for God. And Abraham had to do the same, through Isaac, with Isaac, dying to everything but God's Will, trusting completely in that Love that was infinitely greater than his own for his child. Abraham "sacrificed" Isaac "to make holy" them both, because sacrifice is WORSHIP, and sacrifice is LOVE, and in this event BOTH Abraham and Isaac PROVED that they BOTH LOVED GOD ABOVE ALL ELSE– and that this was SAFE & RIGHT & GOOD & LOVING, because God is NOT cruel or wanton or spiteful or harmful, and WHATEVER YOU CONSECRATE TO HIM, HE GIVES BACK TO YOU (Numbers 18:15, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20), TO LIVE A FULLER AND TRUER LIFE (Titus 2:14, Colossians 1:13-14, Romans 3:21-24, Romans 6:13, 1 Peter 2:9, Colossians 1:22). THROUGH THE CROSS OF CHRIST, EVEN OUR EXPERIENCE OF DEATH CAN BECOME A MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION (1 Peter 2:24, Romans 6:5-11, Galatians 2:20, 2 Timothy 2:11, Colossians 3:3, 2 Corinthians 5:15).
The point is = this "human sacrifice" that is still "required of us" is a SPIRITUAL sacrifice of BOTH OURSELVES AND ALL THAT WE HOLD MOST DEAR]NOT killing of VICTIMS, of course [which is ESSENTIAL TO NOTE because God wants us to offer these sacrifices WITHOUT VIOLENCE OR APATHY OR HATRED OR COLD DETACHMENT. If at any point we see ourselves or our beloved ones as mere victims to be slaughtered, then STOP AND PUT DOWN THE KNIFE. THAT ISN'T WHAT GOD WANTS. GOD NEVER WANTS SACRIFICE "FOR ITS OWN SAKE". What God ACTUALLY wants in this is YOUR HEART, FAITHFUL AND FREE BECAUSE IT IS ALIVE WITH LOVE FOR GOD– AND NEIGHBOR AND ONESELF AS THE NECESSARY OVERFLOW OF THAT SUPREME LOVE!!!!! So be very carefully discerning in how YOU respond to God's call to your own personal Moriah. God is not asking you to stop loving your "Isaac". God is asking you to "love the Giver more than the Gift", without rejecting the gifts He gives! After all, it is ONLY BY such an "offering BACK to God" what He has first bestowed that we honor God as its TRUE Owner (Luke 20:25), Who ALONE knows WHY it was given & for what good end– and ONLY THEN can the gift be TRULY and FULLY cherished, IF GOD GIVES IT BACK, because now it is held without clinging or fear of loss, and thus it is made a TRUE gift, for our SANCTIFICATION. But if God KEEPS it, then THAT TOO is a gift of grace, teaching us deeper surrender and freedom of soul, and perhaps was the very reason He gave us that thing to offer to begin with. Trust Him. Everything He does, and everything He gives, is for our eternal good. Our part is to never forget that He gives all for this purpose, and thus for His sake, because ALL IS HIS (1 Chronicles 29:11, Colossians 1:16, 1 Corinthians 8:6, Romans 11:35-36, Revelation 4:11). So we must never become so enamored with God's treasures that we fall out of love with God, especially if He takes them back! THAT'S why we MUST "sacrifice them" FIRST!!!!! We may still get to keep them, but then THEY WON'T "OWN" US. LOVE REQUIRES FREEDOM, and we CANNOT freely love EITHER God OR our loved ones IF WE ARE TOO ATTACHED to them, especially to the point of IDOLATRY– putting family even above faith (which DOES HAPPEN)! This misplaced love will only destroy ALL your souls, and God does NOT want that at all!!! IT IS ONLY THROUGH SPIRITUAL SACRIFICE THAT LOVE BECOMES PROPERLY ORDERED. God doesn't want you to make your family into "victims" to "save yourself" or to "appease Him" somehow. NO. God wants a sacrifice like that of His SON: a total Self-Gift of LOVE, a letting go of ALL He had in this world– INCLUDING His Mother (John 19:26)– so that God could take them to Himself, sanctify them, and give them back to Jesus in a new and greater Life for them ALL. And this is what God STILL does for ALL Christians, when He asks for us to "sacrifice" even His most precious gifts to us– He is asking for us to unite EVERYTHING to the Cross to be REDEEMED. And thus requires] the relegation of EVERY loved one to a SECONDARY place in believing hearts, the FIRST place being RESERVED TO CHRIST ALONE (Luke 14:26). [After all, HE IS THE  ULTIMATE GIFT, the fulfillment of ALL human hopes & desires & longings & needs. HOWEVER!!! We CANNOT love Him for what He GIVES, even for salvation, for that is not true love. We must love Him for WHO HE IS– as the ONE TRUE GOD, Who deserves & merits ALL our love as a matter of JUSTICE, yes, but ALSO as the INCARNATE WORD, Who created us IN LOVE, and Who comes to us as the BRIDEGROOM OF OUR SOUL! With this in mind, we finally realize that everything we give to Him, we do not lose at all (Matthew 6:33, Mark 10:28-30, Luke 15:31, Mark 4:24, John 17:9-10, Philippians 4:19). But honestly, since He shares His Own Life with us– ALL of us, as His Church, together– what else could we possibly ever want? (Philippians 3:8, Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 27:4, Psalm 63:3)]


🌟🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓❓❓"By FAITH Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau, even concerning THINGS TO COME"... is another example of remarkable faith on Isaac's part, in that CONTRARY TO HIS OWN PERSONAL FEELINGS he gave the blessing to Jacob (for he certainly preferred Esau)... [but Isaac DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS JACOB AT THE TIME???? He legit DID think he was blessing Esau!!! Still, when he learned the truth, he DIDN'T REVOKE IT, which may be what the commentator may be referring to here. In any case the particular point of application is not merely that "we must obey God's commands no matter how we feel about it," but that "we must bless those that God tells us to bless even when we don't like that person, and/or when we think that someone ELSE would benefit more from, or better deserve, such a blessing." WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO CRITIQUE GOD'S JUDGMENTS, OR TO JUDGE GOD'S INTENTIONS. OUR DUTY IS TO OBEY WITH FAITH & CHARITY, even if our selfish ego "doesn't like it." But that part of us has no love. So IGNORE IT and LISTEN TO GOD. Whatever HE tells you to do, no matter how much self-sacrifice it requires– actually, especially when it requires much– it will ALWAYS be meant for LOVE, for them AND for you. And it is REAL LOVE, because it is GOD'S LOVE, and thus it is TRANSFORMATIVE. Honestly we should thank God on our knees for every command He gives us to obey, because they are ALL ordered towards our sanctification– AND that of others. THIS IS WHAT GLORIFIES GOD.]

🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️...even AFTER learning that it had been by means of a shameful deception that he had been TRICKED into so doing, [Isaac showed RADICAL faith in TRUSTING that GOD COULD NOT BE FOOLED, and therefore if God LET Jacob receive the Blessing (even despite Jacob's choice of using such subterfuge, for God can & does use even our worst choices to serve His ends, thus always acting to subvert & defeat evil at its own game), then the Blessing was MEANT for Jacob, no matter what Isaac himself may have thought or wanted. Here again, Isaac "offers himself" to God, by humbly & freely submitting without question to God's unexpected designs– but NOW, like his father, he ALSO "offers his SONS," in surrendering ALL his OWN feelings & desires & plans for their futures, and putting them both ENTIRELY in God's Hands, for God to do with them as HE willed, trusting that– as on Moriah– WHATEVER God did would be perfectly right & just & good, BECAUSE it would be for GOD'S Glory and GOD'S Plan, not Isaac's.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️...he CONFIRMED the DESTINY [that GOD had spoken THROUGH HIM (for such is the nature of ALL prophecy, ESPECIALLY concerning the Blessing!!), witnessing to its divine authenticity & accuracy by his FAITH that GOD CANNOT BE MISTAKEN in either the message or the delivery, and with TOTAL TRUST in both the TRUTH and GUARANTEE of EVERYTHING God said would happen, even if Isaac himself had disagreed or disliked it– because he attested unconditionally to God's Words] regarding BOTH his sons, [even refusing to apologize for it (Genesis 27:33-35) OR to speak any apology or consolation to Esau (Genesis 27:36-38), so that his own feelings & thoughts would not interfere with God's (Genesis 27:39-40), however bitter they were!!!], thus REVEALING [by his TESTIMONY of both what he DID and did NOT do in regard to it (both count as choices!!)] the UTTERMOST FAITH IN THE INSPIRED WORDS OF BLESSING which he had spoken concerning them. [Note that Isaac did NOT say ANYTHING in an attempt to interpret, explain, reframe, soften, or otherwise comment on what God had spoken through him. Isaac recognized full well that he was ONLY GOD'S INSTRUMENT in that regard... for an instrument is silent and sterile on its own, but when the Master puts His Hand to it, it is the perfection and glory of the instrument to sing as He wills, and not to utter a sound otherwise.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💔💔💔💔💔 ...It was noted... that Rebekah corresponds to the CHURCH. In such a comparison, there being a conflict in her very womb between Jacob and Esau, and her crying out, "Why am I thus?" (Genesis 25:22), must stand as a TYPE and PROPHECY of both bad and good IN THE VISIBLE BODY OF THE CHURCH– tares and wheat in the same field, and good fishes and bad fishes in the same net that represents the Kingdom of God.
[And NONE OF THEM ARE DEFINITIVELY "SORTED OUT & SEPARATED" UNTIL THE FINAL JUDGMENT. Remember God's reasons as to WHY = darnel roots entwine with wheat roots, because in the truth of humanity, no one starts off as darnel. EVERYONE EVER BORN is a specifically, particularly, carefully, purposefully, lovingly made creature of God, and called to become His Child by baptism into His Church. God desires ALL to be saved; God does NOT create anything He hates; God does NOT take ANY pleasure in the death of the wicked; God gives us ALL countless opportunities to REPENT AND LIVE– ESPECIALLY when the risk of damnation is even greater, as it IS with backsliders & hypocrites & lukewarmers & apostates!!!! But NO ONE IS DOOMED TO BE DARNEL UNLESS THEY DECIDE TO BE, and KEEP deciding to be UNTIL DEATH. So PRAY FOR THE "BAD FISH" IN THE CHURCH. TRUST THAT GOD CAN AND WILL WORK MIRACLES IN THEIR HEARTS. DO NOT DESPAIR, ESPECIALLY NOT FOR OTHERS.]




061426

Jun. 14th, 2026 07:04 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)

 

Today's feast day is SAINT ELISHA himself!! Pray for us brother!
Also SAINT LIDWINA who has always inspired me as a model in holy suffering, pray for us sister!


Also today is technically ANXI'S ANNIVERSARY 🧡🧡🧡🧡


https://universalis.com/podcasts.htm?selected=128
AND
https://youtube.com/shorts/hZ2YmCoPJp0?si=Nc7hKZe2_p3dSEbS

Biking for like... 2.5 hours bro
Watching Father Reehill on YouTube instead of Spotify
Daniel O'Connor continues to rewire my brain
THANK GOD FOR THIS MAN



Realizing with absolute horror that Infi's fall was MY FAULT.
I "gave permission." I choked down my terror and said "I trust you." And that killed hir. That brought in the demon.
God what have I done?


Evening =
FINALLY transcribed night prayers to audio



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Continuing with the Youversion translation comparisons
Picking up at verse 31 with my dear sister Rahab, who i feel such an unexpectedly powerful connection to, and NEED to learn about her ASAP.

The immediate key points are that =
1. Rahab was "NOT DISOBEDIENT" (to God's Law OR His inspirations of grace?)
2. because she CHOSE to BELIEVE IN AND OBEY GOD (the latter depending entirely on the former? and the former requiring the latter to be legit whatsoever?)
3. and she ACTIVELY RECEIVED and WELCOMED the spies (no coercion, no reluctance or grumbling, even with full and free consent of her will?)
5. and she did so "IN PEACE", with "NO ENMITY" against them (DESPITE their being not only foreigners but MILITARY SPIES and thus "invaders"),
6. And she did ALL of this BY FAITH IN THE ONE TRUE GOD, being PROMPTED by it (as by the Holy Spirit???)
7. which faith is THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE WELCOMED THE SPIES, because BY FAITH she RECOGNIZED that they were GOD'S PEOPLE and were doing GOD'S WILL and so she not only had no enmity but I daresay she had (or perhaps only wished for?) AMITY for them, seeing them not as enemies or threats, because she realized they were technically fellow believers in the One God?
8. SCRIPTURE IMPLIES THAT SHE WAS SCARED (her whole country was), because THEY HAD HEARD OF WHAT GREAT MIRACLES AND POWERFUL VICTORIES GOD HAD DONE FOR ISRAEL. They realized that THIS was a REAL God, NOT some impotent idol, and Rahab EXPLICITLY SAYS, "I KNOW that THE LORD HAS GIVEN YOU THIS COUNTRY... The LORD YOUR GOD IS GOD both in heaven above and on earth beneath"!!! This reveals that SHE HAD FAITH IN ISRAEL'S GOD!!! And so she REFUSED TO STAND IN GOD'S WAY WHATSOEVER. THAT'S why her faith saved her– it was RADICAL and RISKY, at odds with her country and people, and yet she was CONVINCED of the LORD'S Sovereignty and Truth by what she SAW and HEARD of Him (like the Gospel) and thus she had a HOLY FEAR of Him, RECOGNIZING Him as the ONE, TRUE, and ONLY GOD– and she KNEW HIS NAME!!!!!
There's SO MUCH to research and unpack here and I don't have the time today but this is the gist of it for the sake of this verse in Hebrews. Rahab had FAITH in the LORD, and she welcomed His spies in PEACE– even though she was terrified! But her peace was TOWARDS them, for GOD'S sake (Matthew 10:40-41), and for LIFE'S sake– her sincere (because flowing from FAITH) kindness and peace to THEM is what "merited" kindness and peace to her FAMILY in turn, and THEY DID NOT DIE. After all, death is the fruit of SIN, and EVERYONE ELSE IN JERICHO DID DIE (Joshua 6:17) because they were DISOBEDIENT to the LORD– the fruit of UNBELIEF!!!
And the verse further tells us:
9. THEY SUFFERED THE "DESTRUCTION OF THE DISOBEDIENT," IMPLYING THAT THE DOOM OF DESTRUCTION "BELONGS" TO DISOBEDIENCE BY ITS NATURE; THE TWO ARE INSEPARABLE.
10. Rahab "received" the spies, which word also means "ACCEPT," and to do so "READILY". These characteristics REQUIRE faith, which is TRUST, and involves a SURRENDER OF SELF-WILL, because for Rahab to "readily accept" such life-changing & earth-shaking things as God was doing with & for Israel, especially at the loss of her own city, meant that she HAD to PRIORITIZE GOD OVER EVERYTHING. She RECOGNIZED that THE LORD WAS GOD, and therefore WHATEVER He wanted to do, WHATEVER He decreed, SHE WOULD OBEY. This is staggering! Her own people ALSO apparently recognized God's unstoppable power– but THEY WERE TERRIFIED, because they RESISTED Him???? They OBVIOUSLY believed He EXISTED, but their response was NOT submission in obedient reverence; it was UNBELIEF. This is a paradox. They effectively said "Israel's God is REAL and TERRIFYING, a God Who works wonders and crushes armies, and we realize that we CANNOT resist His Power– but WE WILL NOT OBEY HIM OR SUBMIT TO HIM." THIS IS INSANE but apparently it's what Jericho was doing, because Joshua 2:3 shows that the King of Jericho was TRYING TO STOP GOD'S PLAN ANYWAY. Instead of surrendering to the unstoppable LORD, the people of Jericho planted their feet and stood against Him, despite their "terror at His approach" and without any "courage left to resist"... because their true resistance was in their hearts, in their disposition towards God Himself, in their apparent refusal to HAVE FAITH IN HIM. Of all of Jericho, only Rahab's heart was in a posture of WORSHIP towards the LORD, and HER WORDS AND ACTIONS PROVE THIS. She had a HOLY fear, NOT a sinful fear, and THAT'S how she welcomed the spies in PEACE– because she surely KNEW she was "COOPERATING WITH THE LORD" thereby, being OBEDIENT to His Will, and I EMPHASIZE she did this even though she KNEW that meant her own country being conquered! STILL, she KNEW IT WAS GOD'S WILL, and she SURRENDERED TO IT WILLINGLY, even to the point of, so to speak, ACTING TO ADVANCE THAT WILL as much as she was able. THIS IS TRUE OBEDIENCE = knowing what God wants, and not only ACCEPTING it, and DOING it, but also PROMOTING it, and ADVANCING it. But above all, ALL OBEDIENCE FLOWS FROM FAITH. This means that BEFORE she could even ACT on God's will, Rahab had to WANT WHAT GOD WANTED. When she learned, or realized, that the LORD wanted to give Jericho to Israel, her FAITH in Him overpowered even her natural fear, and deep down she said "YES" to what He wanted. THAT'S how she was able to have PEACE, and ACT in peace: she had NO RESISTANCE to God's Plan for Israel, in fact she wanted to "HELP IT ALONG". The rest of Jericho may not have "fought" God's will explicitly (as the King arguably did), but they still did not want what God wanted, and would not accept it, and therefore could not ever obey it. Jericho DID NOT TRUST GOD. They HAD NO FAITH IN GOD'S GOODNESS. They were scared to death of His Power but they still WOULD NOT CHOOSE to DECLARE Him as the ONE TRUE and ONLY GOD, and to THEREFORE SUBMIT THEMSELVES TO HIM as "THEIR" God, even only inasmuch as they admitted there were NO OTHER GODS.
I'm rambling now, my brain is exhausted. Suffice to say, Jericho had NO FAITH, even though they believed God existed, because they had NO TRUST in Him. But RAHAB DID. That was sheer grace working in her. ALL of Jericho KNEW God's Will for their city, but although they didn't resist, they also didn't accept. They were too cowed to fight Israel with an army, but they still fought God Himself with their wills. They were DISOBEDIENT in the simple but harrowing fact that they knew God's will and didn't want it. Rahab was the only one who welcomed the spies, even knowing what their presence meant for the fate of her city, because she knew that fate was God's Will, and she effectively WELCOMED that Will along WITH the spies, because she had FAITH that their God was not only REAL, but WORTH OBEYING. Even if she couldn't put words as to why, and even if she didn't realize that's what she was doing, she TRUSTED the LORD. She TRUSTED that God's Ways were Good, or at least Holy and Right, and she had REVERENCE for this Truth, and so she OBEYED those Ways. She said "YES" even in her fear. By welcoming the spies, Rahab's heart was saying to the LORD Who sent them, "THY WILL BE DONE"– even if it meant she had to drink the bitter cup! THAT'S FAITH. THAT'S WHAT SAVED HER (Luke 7:50).
EVERYONE ELSE wanted to KILL the spies, and thus DISOBEY GOD. And in terrible irony, THEY ended up being killed by God's just wrath. After all, since the LORD is the ONLY God, the TRUE God, the LIVING God, then to DISTRUST and DISOBEY Him is to literally choose delusion and deception and death instead! To stand against Truth and Life Himself is to condemn YOURSELF to death by choosing LIES– the domain of the devil. And anyone who sides with that serpent WILL be crushed underfoot.
Rahab didn't. Rahab recognized God and listened to God and followed God even as a foreigner, even as a stranger, even as a sinner. Her faith was true and real and it overcame everything else– just like the God she put her faith IN. And thus, she was not destroyed, because she had chosen the path of Life, even when that path meant dying to everything she once knew. But God is a God of resurrection. Whatever we lose for His sake, He recompenses a hundredfold (Matthew 19:29). And Rahab, that woman of heroic faith, by which she survived to become an ancestress of Jesus Himself, witnesses beautifully to this.]


Hebrews 11:31 NLTCE
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️ [31] It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed with the people in her city who REFUSED to OBEY GOD. For she had given a FRIENDLY WELCOME to the spies.

[NOT RELUCTANT, remember! Her obedience to God was true in that it was WILLING, and– I argue– PEACEFUL! Faith in God's GOODNESS, however mysterious, truly does give our OBEDIENCE to Him a similarly mysterious JOY, even just because we ARE obeying His Will– a fact which in and of itself is ALWAYS a reason to rejoice with GRATITUDE (we COULDN'T obey without GRACE)– and we TRUST that WHATEVER God Wills is the BEST POSSIBLE THING for us (which is ALWAYS in terms of His glory and our eternal salvation), otherwise He WOULDN'T have willed it! So yes, if Rahab's heart recognized this, then her welcome WOULD have been genuinely friendly, not mere polite formality but sincere and cordial hospitality born of personal goodwill which, of course, would be the direct result of her faith in the LORD their God– Who was, BY that faith, HER God, now, too. We could perhaps even say that, by reason of her true faith in the true God, Rahab had "entered His Church", His cosmic family, in a typical and shadowy sense, but in a real sense nonetheless. She was a sign of hope, a "pledge" even, for the ultimate salvation of the Gentiles through FAITH in the Gospel of Christ– the evangelistic declaration that "God has given You this country" echoed across the globe– her own fate displaying the destiny God TRULY desired for ALL nations, in sad contrast to what faithless Jericho chose for itself.]


Hebrews 11:31 CEVDCI
🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️[31]  Rahab HAD BEEN a prostitute, BUT she HAD FAITH and welcomed the spies. So she WASN’T killed with the people who DISOBEYED.

[OH MAN the IMPLIED SYNONYMITY OF PROSTITUTION AND IDOLATRY!!!! She "HAD been" a prostitute, "BUT" then she "HAD FAITH"– a faith PROVEN by her ACTION OF FIDELITY!!! SO in the sense of her having faith in the LORD, she was NO LONGER A "PROSTITUTE" SPIRITUALLY– and, inevitably, when she was embraced into Israel and the Covenant, she ceased to be one in practice as well!! HER FAITH SAVED HER LIFE, both physically AND spiritually!]

Hebrews 11:31 NIrV
[31] Rahab, the prostitute, had FAITH. SO she WELCOMED the spies. THAT'S why she wasn’t killed with those who DIDN'T obey God.

[Again, to reiterate, this is directly tying her choice of WELCOME to her FAITH, implying that the WELCOME was an act of OBEDIENCE in RESPONSE to faith– and therefore, this is also tying Jericho's choice of "UNWELCOME" to their DISOBEDIENCE, which implies that the DISOBEDIENCE was a RESPONSE to UNBELIEF; disobedience doesn't occur in a vacuum! So we can gather from all this that the "command given" to obey, and/or the "known Will of God" to adhere to or at least cooperate with, was to WELCOME THE SPIES. That's it! And this was because they were God's messengers, the agents of His Plan, the "heralds" of God's destiny for Jericho. Their presence in the city was a TEST, a PIVOT point, a DECISIVE EVENT that would determine the actual manifestation of God's intention– Jericho would still be given to Israel, but whether that would involve life or death was Jericho's choice, and that choice HINGED ENTIRELY ON FAITH. GOD ALWAYS DOES THIS. He is JUST, and He will NOT destroy ANYONE who has faith and obeys Him. But that obedience may still come at a cost of great personal loss and sacrifice to us. Nevertheless, as I said earlier, it is always worth it, because we gain eternal life instead. When we welcome God, with peace and friendship, into our hearts and homes, He welcomes us into His– in fact, He has been ready and waiting to. May we always have the faith to greet Him, in whatever way He comes to us, in the same manner.]

Hebrews 11:31 ERV

🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤ [31] And Rahab, the prostitute, welcomed the Israelite spies LIKE FRIENDS. And because of her FAITH, she was not killed with the ones who REFUSED TO OBEY.
[They WERE friends IN THE LORD, even if THEY "didn't know it yet"! Faith BINDS us together in the bond of CHARITY, and THIS is the very essence of the CHURCH in history– even before the Incarnation made that unity LITERAL, fulfilling the Truth of this holy principle. This profound unity, of not only believers with each other but also with God Himself, was ALWAYS Israel's destiny.
But in ancient days as well as now, a bond of real human friendship MUST ALSO exist within her members. The Church must be united BOTH naturally (honest affection and selfless service) and supernaturally (by the unity of the Spirit). Faith in the One God brings people together as a Church in a physical sense and space, and that same faith connects us internally in terms of shared belief & values, etc. The Old Covenant demanded this for Israel within herself– Gentiles were not normally "allowed in"; in fact Israel was even told NOT to "make friends" with Gentiles, specifically because Gentiles did NOT have FAITH IN GOD!!!
BUT this was NOT meant to be a permanent statute, and Rahab is proof! Israel was called to bring ALL nations to FAITH in the One True God, and indeed, the NEW Covenant does EXACTLY THAT, through faith in JESUS, the Messiah promised to Israel! And our faith in Him UNITES us TO Him, IN Him, the New Israel and New Adam, and thus He makes ALL peoples into GOD'S FAMILY– not mere friends, but ACTUAL SIBLINGS. "For Jesus Himself IS OUR PEACE and our BOND OF UNITY– He has made Jews and Gentiles into ONE BODY, for IN HIS OWN HUMAN NATURE He has torn down the hostile dividing wall of spiritual antagonism between us... He UNITED Jews and Gentiles into ONE PEOPLE when, IN HIS OWN BODY ON THE CROSS, he broke down the wall of hatred that separated us... With his own body he broke down the wall that separated us and kept us enemies. He did this by ending the system of law with its commandments and regulations, by abolishing in His own crucified flesh the hostility caused by the Law with its commandments contained in ordinances [which He satisfied]; so that IN HIMSELF He might MAKE THE TWO INTO ONE NEW MAN, thereby establishing peace... He made peace between Jews and Gentiles by CREATING IN HIMSELF ONE NEW PEOPLE from the two groups... He abolished the Jewish Law with its commandments and rules, in order to create out of the two races one new people in union with himself, in this way making peace." Etc.
But these verses are too beautiful and rich to delve into now and it would be irreverent for me to act as if I knew how to properly apply their truth here.
And I've long since lost my initial train of thought.
The basic point I want to make for this verse is = Faith in God makes friends even out of former enemies (John 15:13-15), because FAITH IN GOD makes us "FRIENDS OF GOD" (James 2:23).
We see this play out = "In this way we know that we have come to KNOW Him: if we keep his commandments", and "His commandment is this, that we should BELIEVE in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and that we should LOVE one another"... "whoever loves God, MUST ALSO love his brother," and "our love must be not just words or mere talk, but something ACTIVE and GENUINE." Rahab did exactly this. She KNEW the LORD was God, and she EXPRESSED that knowledge by LOVING HER "ENEMIES"– who, because of their one faith, were actually now her FRIENDS, as she too was now a "friend of GOD" by that same faith, for she was trusting God just as Abraham did, choosing to believe and obey God even when it required a great sacrifice from her– that of her own nation. But, just like with Abraham, God would reward her faith, too, with a "better" nation, an eternal one, by bringing her into faithful Israel on earth and into the hope of heaven in turn.] 
[BTW unbelieving Jericho was possibly leaning more towards James 4:4? = "You ADULTEROUS people [SPIRITUAL PROSTITUTION, a striking irony], don’t you know that FRIENDSHIP ["PEACE"] with the WORLD means ENMITY against GOD? Therefore, anyone who WANTS and CHOOSES to be a friend of the world [by WELCOMING it into their heart] MAKES HIMSELF an ENEMY OF GOD [and therefore AT WAR with God– thereby doomed to the sword of Divine Justice]"!!!]

Hebrews 11:31 GW
[31] FAITH LED the prostitute Rahab TO welcome the spies as FRIENDS. She was not killed with those who refused to obey God.

[Same point as previous = the friendship was the FRUIT of faith, in a few ways:
1. They had faith/trust in the same God, already forging a bond;
2. Because of that faith, neither of them was a threat to the other;
3. They all wanted to obey God's will, and so their business was welcome to Rahab,
4. Their presence gave her the opportunity to act on her faith and obey Him concretely, which was a great grace, and a definite grounds for such friendly welcome on its own.]

Hebrews 11:31 NASB2020
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ [31] By faith the prostitute Rahab did not perish along with those who were disobedient, AFTER she had welcomed the spies in peace.

[THE ACTION PROVED HER FAITH, BECAUSE IT MANIFESTED HER OBEDIENCE. WITHOUT THE ACTION, SHE WOULD HAVE PERISHED, BECAUSE INACTION WHEN KNOWING GOD'S WILL EQUALS DISOBEDIENCE.]

Apparently we forgot this one on 0612:
Hebrews 11:31 TPT
[31] Faith PROVIDED A WAY OF ESCAPE for Rahab the prostitute, AVOIDING the destruction of the unbelievers, because she received the Hebrew spies in peace.

[IMMEDIATE resonance with the PRINCIPLE of 1 Corinthians 10:13!!!
"No temptation, regardless of its source, has overtaken or enticed you, that is not common to human nature... There isn't any temptation that you have experienced which is unusual for humans. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others... You are tempted in the same way that everyone else is tempted."
[I emphasize this particularly because THIS IS A UNIVERSAL TRUTH FROM EDEN ON DOWN. This means that whatever Jericho and Rahab were tempted to do, SO ARE WE.]
🌟 "...nor is any temptation beyond human resistance, BECAUSE GOD IS FAITHFUL to His Word— He is COMPASSIONATE and TRUSTWORTHY – and HE CAN BE TRUSTED not to let you be tempted beyond your ability to resist; He will NOT allow you to be tried beyond what you are able to bear.
[This is because,] WHEN the temptation comes, then ALONG WITH the temptation, God WILL MAKE A WAY OF ESCAPE as well– as He HAS in the past and IS now and WILL always do– so that you WILL be able to endure it without yielding, and will overcome temptation with joy. He WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO ESCAPE from your temptations."
🌟"...At the time you are put to the test, he will GIVE you the STRENGTH TO endure it, AND SO PROVIDE YOU WITH A WAY OUT... He will effect his Providence, EVEN DURING temptation, so that you may be ABLE to bear it."

[Taking all these translations together, we can clearly see that THE "WAY OUT" THAT GOD "MAKES" FOR US IS THE GRACE OF FAITH & TRUST IN HIS PROVIDENCE. This is readily & powerfully proven in daily life and I can solemnly attest to it. After all, since ALL temptations are ultimately tests of our TRUST IN GOD & therefore OBEDIENCE TO GOD, then what other "escape" from them could there ever possibly be, but to be ABLE to obey God regardless of the cost? MATTHEW 4 PROVES THIS TOO. Every one of Jesus's "ways out" were literally just Him QUOTING SCRIPTURE as His RULE OF LIFE. Jesus TRUSTED God's Word and OBEYED God's Word and THAT WAS SUFFICIENT to overcome SATAN HIMSELF.
As for Rahab, she didn't have Torah, nor did she have Israel's faith history and tradition. But she DID have the testimony of God's WORKS (John 5:36, 10:25, 10:37-38, 14:11), and since a man's faith in God and His Word is "dead" unless manifested in works, then it may be inferred that God's Works are equally inextricable from His faithfulness to His Name and His Word. So even if Rahab had only HEARD of what the LORD was DOING, God's Works STILL TESTIFY to WHO HE IS, and apparently, based solely on that Truth unspoken yet demonstrated, she BELIEVED and TRUSTED and OBEYED Him. THAT'S ASTOUNDING FAITH!!!]


Messianic Jews (Heb) 11:31 CJB
[31] BY TRUSTING, Rachav the prostitute welcomed the spies and THEREFORE did not die along with those who were DISOBEDIENT.

[Again reiterating that TRUST= OBEDIENCE, and Rahab's TRUST in God's Plan is what ENABLED her to WELCOME the spies instead of rejecting or opposing them, because she KNEW she was obeying God's Will in doing so, and those who TRUST God know that there is NOTHING TO FEAR in what He asks of & from us. Rahab welcomed the spies in PEACE because her CONSCIENCE WAS CLEAR in doing so– she acted in FAITH and OBEDIENCE (inseparable), and therefore she ultimately had nothing to fear in terms of judgment against her in this matter? Even if the fall of Jericho was naturally terrifying, her soul could STILL be "at peace" because she CHOSE to remain faithful to the LORD and proved this BY HER ACTIONS, in which she OBEYED His Plan, and therefore she would NOT perish with the UNFAITHFUL who DISOBEYED God's intention for their city, which– as Rahab stated– they ALL KNEW, but REFUSED because THEY DIDN’T TRUST HIS HEART.]






052626

May. 26th, 2026 11:28 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


Very strange weakness this morning. Chest fluttering.
SPEAKING OF, REMEMBER LAST NIGHT WITH INFI.

Panicking about weight gain.
2 hours on the bike

Super late BK again

Pokémon "overlays" are the only thing getting me through OCD hell
Nousfoni overlays are too "unclear" in comparison?
Solid, clear, defined Visual data is KEY


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-4/

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ There is no one hidden before God. He SEES OUR HEART and KNOWS HOW TO TOUCH IT, and WE MUST "GIVE ACCOUNT" FOR HOW WE RESPOND TO HIS TOUCH.

[...this is explicitly Infi language. THIS is hir TRUE function, I'm sure of it.]
[but oh man what does it say about GOD that THIS describes HIM most of all???? That revelation is enough to change my entire life forever... if I'm not too scared to let it. God please, give me the grace, and let me remember... "be not afraid."]

💔💔💔‼️‼️‼️ "Naked" reminds us of the way God saw through Adam’s feeble hiding [BOTH of his naked body, and of his naked soul– through futile fig leaves and frightened fleeing]. God sees through [every attempted method of] our hiding [our "nakedness"] the same way.
[...I'm obligated to also mention the relevance to Infi's function with this, too. Ze was literally the only being I could ever be completely literally naked with and not feel ashamed. There was a purity with hir, an innocence, that made the very thought of hiding or feeling not only unthinkable but even laughable. I don't know how to explain it. I think this was ironically WHY I was so scared of being around hir, deep down-- because ze saw what God CREATED me TO be, and PROMISED to RESTORE me to, even despite all the sin and shame I still ended up suffocating under when I left hir presence. I didn't know how to handle it. Ze looked at me with God's eyes, eyes that saw through leaves and walls and sins alike to gaze with such deep love upon the truest core of me. I'd never known anything like that before, from anyone else, and that is shocking and stunning and makes me want to weep. God ze really was your angel, what a fool I've been...]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ "Open" translates the ancient Greek word trachelizo, used only here in the New Testament. It was used of WRESTLERS who had a hold that involved GRIPPING THE NECK and was SO POWERFUL that it brought VICTORY. So the word can mean “to PROSTRATE” or “to OVERTHROW;” but many scholars do adopt the simple meaning of “open”– in the sense of LAYING AN OPPONENT OPEN and OVERCOME.
[oh and NOW we have LAURIE language too????? GOD WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF AND US]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ REMEMBER THE CONTEXT. The writer to the Hebrews TRUSTS that he has PIERCED THE HEARTS of his audience, who THOUGHT ABOUT “GIVING UP” ON JESUS. In this passage, he makes it CLEAR that THEY CAN’T "GIVE UP ON JESUS" AND KEEP IT “HIDDEN” FROM GOD! THE WORD OF GOD DISCOVERS AND EXPOSES THEIR CONDITION [TO THEMSELVES, as a conviction of conscience?? If they were in denial, trying to hide their true motives and intentions even from themselves, then God would be EXPOSING those concealed things TO THEIR OWN EYES, because He ALREADY sees them! God's Word, being ALIVE and UNIVERSALLY APPLICABLE across ALL AGES, "discovers" their buried secrets by the supernatural precision of its Truth, but the discovery is not "to God"– Who can & does & WILL exhume even the deepest secrets because He already knows EXACTLY where they are– it is to THEMSELVES. In the Light of Scripture, even the things they themselves buried are seen in a new way, and the TRUTH of their own secrets is "discovered" to THEM thereby.]

It is wonderful to KNOW we HAVE A High Priest [and so we are NOT helpless or abandoned, without any intercessor or mediator]... It is even GREATER to know [that our High Priest is no mere sinful man; our High Priest is essentially GOD HIMSELF, the Son Who was divinely and eternally appointed to that role to FULFILL it PERFECTLY, FOREVER, in order to SAVE us PERFECTLY, FOREVER. And this is all done out of PURE LOVE for us, not of obligation or mere duty. And so we REJOICE in our knowledge that our Heavenly High Priest, the God-Man Jesus,] passed THROUGH the heavens [as Divine,] that He ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN [as a Man], and NOW [at this very moment!] MINISTERS THERE FOR OUR SAKE [as BOTH God and Man, "reconciling ALL things IN HIMSELF"]! Both these TRUTHS should ENCOURAGE us to "HOLD FAST OUR CONFESSION" [of Jesus Christ as the Messiah, and NOT to "let our faith slip" so as to return to self-justifying works, e.g. legalism in the manner of the Mosaic Laws??]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️To the ancient Greeks, the primary attribute of [deity] was apatheia, the essential INABILITY to FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. [THAT'S TERRIFYING????? I mean, sure in a sense God doesn't have "emotions" like humans do-- from what I understand, emotions are very much tied to our experience of having a body and physiological systems-- but God IS LOVE, which surely is NOT "apathy"??? Honestly I don't understand this yet; God IS "IMPASSIBLE" but to claim that this attribute makes Him "numb" in some sense is WRONG.]
[UPDATE = APPARENTLY, THIS COMMENTATOR IS ACTUALLY DEAD WRONG????????????
"Apatheia is a philosophical and spiritual concept describing a state of mind where one is completely undisturbed by irrational passions or destructive emotions. Rather than modern "apathy" (indifference), it means inner peace, equanimity, and emotional freedom from distress… it is a state of emotional liberation, strength, and inner tranquility, where a person's inner state is not controlled by external events, freeing them to make rational, virtuous decisions."
AND THAT DOES DESCRIBE GOD!!!!!!!!
...SO, IF MAN WAS MADE IN GOD'S LIKENESS, IS THAT ALSO WHAT HUMAN NATURE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE?????
DUDE I NEED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS NOW]

💔💔💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 [BUT EVEN THOUGH GOD'S "APATHEIA" IS A VIRTUOUS AND HOLY THING,] JESUS ISN’T LIKE THAT [BECAUSE HE BECAME INCARNATE, AND THEREBY CAN FEEL REAL, HUMAN, PHYSIOLOGICAL EMOTIONS]!! He KNOWS what we go through, [and NOT as mere theory or disinterested data! Jesus "knows" us in a RELATIONSHIP context, as He not only shares our very nature, but He also unites us to Himself! Therefore He knows our experiences directly, as He is WITH us in them all. Even AS the "impassible" Son of God, He remains the "passionate" Son of Man, and so in His HUMAN HEART,] He FEELS what we go through! The ancient Greek word translated sympathize literally means to SUFFER ALONG WITH" [WHICH IS WHAT THE CROSS ENABLED HIM TO DO TO AN INFINITE AND ABSOLUTELY INTIMATE EXTENT]
🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️💜💜 What makes the difference [between an actual capacity FOR sympathy, and thus emotional engagement, as opposed to apathetic aloofness or insouciance] is that JESUS ADDED HUMANITY TO HIS DEITY, and LIVED AMONG US. When you have "BEEN THERE", it makes all the difference. [AND JESUS IS THERE, WHEREVER THERE IS SUFFERING, EVEN RIGHT NOW-- NOT AS AN OBSERVER, BUT AS THE ONE SUFFERING.]
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 For example, we might HEAR of some tragedy at some school, and feel a measure of sorrow [out of a general sense of morally proper pity, which is actually SUPER VITAL to retain the capacity for– we will ONLY have a "gut reaction" of sorrow as long as our hearts have not become cold and jaded and detached and HARD from hearing SO MUCH of such news, as many have in this violence-saturated world. This emotional numbing via tragic overwhelm is the devil’s PLAN. The only way to combat it is to become like Christ-)– we MUST be WILLING to SUFFER with others. We must be WILLING to be WOUNDED and BRUISED; we must be WILLING to ACHE and HURT and BLEED and WEEP even for total strangers. THIS IS THE POWER OF THE CROSS and it is one of the MOST POWERFUL THINGS we Christians can do to keep God's Kingdom strong in this world, because a heart like that MAKES CHRIST PRESENT.] But it is nothing like the PAIN we would feel if it were the school we ATTENDED [because we personally know & love the people there, and the thought of their being hurt or killed is unbearable. But how terribly selfish our hearts are even in this, to "prioritize" our sympathy and solicitude so! Are not all souls equally precious? Why do we not mourn for the strangers? We should be ashamed! Thank GOD that Jesus's Heart is entirely different than ours– He knows and loves ALL humanity; no one is exempt from His deepest sympathy; He feels ALL the pain of EVERY human EQUALLY and ENTIRELY! When He weeps, when He bleeds, when He prays, He passionately proclaims to every soul that ever existed, "it is ALL FOR YOU."]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Jesus KNOWS what it is like to be TEMPTED and to BATTLE AGAINST SIN, though He was NEVER STAINED by sin [which would have been the result had He NOT battled, or LOST a battle. But Jesus ALWAYS FOUGHT, and He ALWAYS WON, because He NEVER GAVE AN INCH to His tormentors; Jesus STOOD FAST and NEVER COMPROMISED and NEVER DIALOGUED with the tempter. Jesus was immaculately unstained because whenever He faced a temptation, He was too busy wielding the SWORD OF GOD'S TRUTH to even come close to touching the "forbidden fruit"– to wit, He never even touched the TREE– and so His Hands were PURE & CLEAN. The devil could NOT deceive or seduce Him because ALL JESUS WANTED WAS TO LOVE & OBEY GOD THE FATHER. Therefore, although Jesus DID experience ALL of man's temptation AS a man, He did NOT experience CONCUPISCENCE– Jesus had NO inclination or desire TO sin. The forbidden fruit did not interest Him whatsoever. But assumedly, everything in His human nature was attracted to it– after all, so was Eve's, before she chose to sin. But I'm rambling now and I do not want to speak untruth. The bottom line = JESUS LITERALLY COULD NOT SIN BECAUSE HE WAS GOD. But as a MAN, He COULD be TEMPTED, even though He was INCAPABLE of actually CONSENTING. I imagine that, for Jesus, this was like what I go through with intrusive OCD thoughts– they never stop, they are so loud and insistent, they are violent and disgusting and scary and wrong, but although they are a living hell I have NO DESIRE to do them whatsoever. They SICKEN and APALL me, but that doesn't make them go away. In fact, my resistance and abhorrence makes the nonstop onslaught all the more unbearable. And yet I endure it, and I will NEVER "give in," because I have absolutely no desire to do such things and I REFUSE to submit out of sheer exhaustion, even to "entertain" the thoughts for a moment to "relieve" the agonizing noise. NO. I WILL FIGHT. And so this is my share in Christ's bitter temptations; this is my share in His sorrowful Passion, my splinter of His terrible Cross. But I KNOW FULL WELL that WITHOUT His Holy Spirit within me, I WOULD FALL. It is ONLY BY HIS GRACE & POWER that I CAN resist these unending temptations, and I MUST "HOLD FAST" TO THE END. Only then will the agony cease, and then I– God willing– will finally have REST.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Jesus CAN sympathize with our WEAKNESS and our TEMPTATION, but He CANNOT sympathize with our SIN.
This does NOT make Jesus "less sympathetic" to us.

[It is BLASPHEMOUS to claim that] He "could understand us better if He had sinned Himself." [THIS IS ABSOLUTELY FALSE because SIN IS UNNATURAL; it is a PLAGUE upon mankind and it DOES NOT BELONG IN US. Jesus understands HUMANITY perfectly, and TRUE humanity is WITHOUT SIN!!!!!]
[Furthermore, what is there TO "understand" about sin? It's literally just a VOID. It is a LACK, an ABSENCE, an EMPTINESS where there SHOULD be love, trust, faith, goodness, etc. Sin is a HOLE IN THE HEART. Sin is DEATH. Jesus knew ALL He "had to know" about sin simply by knowing what sin is NOT.]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ But listen to me; DO NOT EVER imagine that if the Lord Jesus had sinned he would have been any more tender toward you; for [not only because He is infinitely tender towards you already, forever and unconditionally– and how dare you even insinuate that He would withhold anything of His Love from you– but also because] SIN IS ALWAYS OF A HARDENING NATURE!!
If the Christ of God COULD have sinned, He would have LOST the PERFECTION of His SYMPATHETIC NATURE.

[OH MAN THIS WAS INFINITII'S DEATH SENTENCE AFTER ALL. ZE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THIS TRUTH. ZE WAS TOO LOVING, TOO WILLING TO OPEN HIRSELF UP TO EVERYONE-- ZE TRIED TOO DAMN HARD TO "SYMPATHIZE" WITH SINNERS IN THEIR SIN AND IT DESTROYED HIR.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟 BECAUSE we have a High Priest who is BOTH OMNIPOTENT AND COMPASSIONATE, we can "COME BOLDLY" to HIS THRONE. [OUR BOLDNESS IS ONLY POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF HIS COMPASSION!!! And I think that same truth applies to our LIFE as Christians too-- we CAN be bold in confessing our faith, and in doing good, and in fighting against evil, and in love most of all, BECAUSE we ARE loved by the very One seated upon the Throne, our KING, Who is victorious over ALL death and sin, and will NOT abandon us to it or leave us helpless against it???]
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ DISCOURAGING us from this [GOD-GIVEN, GOD-WILLED] ACCESS [to not only God's THRONE, but to God's HEART-- because "access" is absolutely intimacy language--] is a CENTRAL STRATEGY OF SATAN.
The devil sometimes wants us to consider Jesus as UNAPPROACHABLE [and therefore "DISTANT" from us in our need, both physically and emotionally-- to be unapproachable is to be UNTOUCHABLE, and thus (in an awfully visceral sense) UNLOVABLE]. Sometimes the devil wants us to think of Jesus as being "POWERLESS TO HELP" [AGAINST the devil, ironically], NOT as the [ALL-POWERFUL AND ALL-LOVING] ONE who SITS ON A THRONE [OF OMNIPOTENT MERCY] IN HEAVEN.
[The OTHER "sometimes" are JUST AS BAD– the devil might instead want us to think of Jesus as "OVERLY approachable," to the point of irreverence and causalness, which makes us feel "EQUAL" to Him in state, which is absolutely satanic!! OR the devil might make us think of Jesus as entirely powerful to help, BUT UNWILLING to, because we "don't deserve it," or that Jesus "helps" us by "making things WORSE" for us, because we "DO deserve it." This sort of SPITEFUL behavior is SATANIC as well, and is COMPLETELY FALSE. Jesus would NEVER act like that, and you MUST REMEMBER THAT, especially when it DOES seem like Jesus "doesn't want to help" or is even "giving you more pain." NO. JESUS ALWAYS WANTS TO HELP US, AND ALWAYS DOES HELP US, BECAUSE HE IS NOT A HYPOCRITE AND HE ACTS ON WHAT HE WILLS. And Scripture says that JESUS IS "HARMLESS"!!!! So even when your suffering DOES increase even as you pray for relief, JESUS ISN’T DOING THAT. THE DEVIL IS, BECAUSE THE DEVIL IS THE ONE WHO TORTURED JESUS, TOO!!! And therefore, if Jesus LETS this happen to you, it's a secret GIFT, that the devil doesn't expect or want, because it DEFEATS him– Jesus is giving you the opportunity to SHARE IN HIS SUFFERING MORE DEEPLY. That is ALWAYS an option for us Christians and it is a HUGE BLESSING AND GRACE when we ACCEPT it with grateful surrender. As long as you stay loyal to Jesus, then no matter what you may have to endure for love of Him, He will NEVER let the devil win over you, and He will NEVER let you suffer more than you are able to bear by the Spirit's power (because alone we cannot bear anything). Whether or not you "deserve" Jesus's help is not ever the issue; Jesus sits on a Throne of MERCY, and He CHOOSES to pour it out upon you, because He LOVES you. The devil will do everything in his power to make you doubt and even argue against this. DON'T LET HIM. TRUST IN JESUS. HAVE FAITH IN HIS NAME, AND IN HIS HEART, NO MATTER WHAT YOU "FEEL".]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 The Throne of GOD is a Throne of GRACE. [THIS IS SO IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT IS ALSO STILL A THRONE OF GLORY & POWER & JUSTICE!!!! BUT GOD'S MERCY SOMEHOW EMBRACES ALL OF IT, EVEN COLORS IT, WITHOUT DIMINISHING OR DETRACTING FROM THE INTEGRITY OF ANY OF IT. Unlike all human thrones, God's Throne is ETERNAL and EXCLUSIVE and so He has no fear of losing it in any way; this means that God's Power is exercised WITHOUT SELF-INTEREST. God uses His unlimited and absolute Power for SELF-GIVING LOVE, not for self-gaining pride! God reigns as a KING and as a FATHER; He is no tyrant or dictator, even as He holds all authority in the cosmos! We have nothing to fear from God in this regard– we only need fear OFFENDING Him through UNBELIEF, which results in DISOBEDIENCE, and this is a grave matter BECAUSE God is so purely Good and Just, and so are His Laws, and therefore our sentence will be rightfully deserved and very terrible! BUT GOD IS STILL MERCIFUL, and if we REPENT, He Himself will pardon us. He does not want a single soul to be lost. And THAT'S why He sent His SON, Who is the One Who SITS on the Throne of Mercy AS GOD AND MAN, to INTERCEDE for our forgiveness, to ADVOCATE for our pardon, WITH HIS OWN BLOOD, so that we DON'T HAVE TO DIE. THIS LOVE IS GOD'S POWER, AND HIS GLORY, and it is given to us THROUGH CHRIST, Who paid the price of God's JUSTICE for us in the ULTIMATE act of MERCY, and so He reigns EVEN FROM THE CROSS.]
WHEN we come, we MAY OBTAIN MERCY (not getting what we deserve [punishment for our sins, rejection/ expulsion from His Presence due to unworthiness]) ["OBTAIN" suggests something REQUESTED and RECEIVED, to "TAKE HOLD" of it and REALLY HAVE it, even to "POSSESS" it??]
...and FIND GRACE (getting what we don’t deserve [blessing & favor & friendship & help & forgiveness]) ["FIND" suggests– perhaps simultaneously– something SOUGHT OUT, even diligently and for a long time, as a treasure; OR something "met with" almost as if "by chance," as a wonderful and unexpected surprise; OR something "recognized and thus recovered or regained," as in something that we once HAD but has since been LOST or even forgotten. ALL OF THESE APPLY TO GRACE.]
...in our time of NEED [because GOD IS KIND & GOOD & JUST, and NEVER CRUEL; even in our wretchedness, He PROVIDES for our needs, and does not torment us by holding back in spite; He is GENEROUS and never stingy or miserly; He is COMPASSIONATE to ALL His creatures, at ALL TIMES, because that's WHO HE IS].

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤❤❤ THANKFULLY, God [ALWAYS] provides help in our time of need [because NO ONE ELSE TRULY CAN]. NO REQUEST IS "TOO SMALL" [OR "NOT IMPORTANT" OR "NOT WORTH HIS TIME", etc.– thinking that way actually OFFENDS His Goodness, by acting as if He was uncaring about you!!] because HE WANTS US TO "NOT BE ANXIOUS OR WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING. Instead, in EVERY SITUATION and in ALL THINGS, through PRAYER and PETITION with (acts of) THANKSGIVING, LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD."
("DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING; instead, PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING. TELL GOD WHAT YOU NEED, and THANK HIM FOR ALL HE HAS DONE [FOR YOU ALREADY!].")


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-5/


🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤❤❤❤ God made SPECIFIC COMMANDS to HELP the high priest to MINISTER WITH COMPASSION.
[THIS TRUTH ALONE IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL & POWERFUL. GOD COMMANDS CERTAIN THINGS OF US IN ORDER TO HELP US BE COMPASSIONATE. HOW TERRIBLE IT IS, THEN, AND HOW WICKED OF US, TO BREAK HIS COMMANDS!!!]
In the breastplate of the high priest were set twelve stones engraved with the names of the tribes of Israel, and on the shoulder straps were stones also engraved with the names of the tribes. In this, the PEOPLE of Israel were ALWAYS on the HEART and on the SHOULDERS of the high priest (Exodus 28:4-30). The INTENTION was to STIR THE COMPASSION of the high priest.
[oh man I LOVE this, it actually HURTS with tenderness and beauty-- ESPECIALLY because it's LITERALLY WHAT JESUS CHRIST HAS DONE FOR US. He carried His CROSS on His SHOULDERS, and He literally carries US (even now, in the Eucharist!) in His HEART. And we're more precious to Him than all the gemstones on earth.]
[...this also has staggeringly relevant System vibes, with the fact that the names of the different tribes were literally engraved into jewels, and fastened upon the heart.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️The High Priest was TAKEN FROM the community of God’s people, but he was NOT CHOSEN BY God’s people [PUBLIC OPINION HAD ABSOLUTELY NO WEIGHT]. He was APPOINTED, BY GOD, FOR GOD'S PEOPLE [ACCORDING TO GOD'S WISDOM AND WILL, whether or not the people "agreed" with it!!]... the priesthood was NOT POPULARLY ELECTED but CHOSEN BY GOD. MAN DID NOT APPOINT THE HIGH PRIEST.
The office of high priest [COULD NOT be, and MUST NEVER be,] ASPIRED TO or CAMPAIGNED FOR. It was GIVEN by RIGHT OF BIRTH, and therefore CHOSEN BY GOD [no human input was involved, or could be involved, whatsoever].
The PRINCIPLE is that NO MAN "TAKES" THIS HONOR "TO HIMSELF" [both because that was literally IMPOSSIBLE (by the very nature of the office), and because to ATTEMPT to do so would be a GRAVELY PRESUMPTUOUS SIN, and would be met with equally grave punishment, as with Korah!]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️Today, WE ALSO are PROHIBITED FROM BEING "OUR OWN PRIEST". It is GREAT ARROGANCE to think we can APPROACH GOD ON OUR OWN, WITHOUT A [REAL, GOD-ORDAINED] PRIEST.
[THIS IS THE GREAT SIN OF THE "NEW AGE" RELIGIONS AND MODERN PAGANS!!!!!!!]
GOD provides JESUS as our mediator and priest, [Who acts THROUGH His holy Catholic Priests when they are LEGITIMATELY ORDAINED, and Who is the ONLY REASON that those priests can do ANYTHING AT ALL;] and WE MUST USE THE PRIEST GOD PROVIDES.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ [It is an UNWAVERING TRUTH that] A sinner can undertake to manage NOTHING towards God IMMEDIATELY, or BY HIMSELF, but only with a MEDIATING PRIEST, WHO MUST KNOW GOD'S MIND AND PERFORM IT...
[Because EVEN WE CHRISTIANS can ONLY worship God "in Spirit and in Truth" because WE ARE "BAPTISMAL PRIESTS" THROUGH UNION WITH CHRIST, THE ONLY ONE WHO "KNOWS GOD'S MIND"-- but "we have the mind of CHRIST" THROUGH HIS HOLY SPIRIT WITHIN US (1 Corinthians 2:14-16), AND SO EVERYTHING WE DO "TOWARDS GOD" IS NOT DONE "BY OURSELVES" BUT THROUGH HIM???]
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ The COMMON SENSE OF ALL MANKIND about this, since the fall, doth EVIDENCE it; for NO NATION, [even the most far fallen into error, was EVER] WITHOUT A RELIGION, A TEMPLE, A PLACE OF WORSHIP, OR A PRIEST.”
[THIS SHOWS HOW TERRIFYINGLY FAR WE HAVE FALLEN NOW, WHEN THE WHOLE WORLD IS REJECTING ALL OF THOSE THINGS.]



052426

May. 24th, 2026 11:05 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)



I FOUND A PDF OF THE WAY OF INTERIOR PEACE
NOW I CAN ACTUALLY READ & NOTATE IT AS I READ!

Bro HOW are we supposed to juggle THAT and HEBREWS and BIAY all at once????
I need to figure out a new schedule for the summer.

1. Prioritize FINISHING HEBREWS so we can finally move on
2. BIAY ON THE BIKE. Do NOT screenshot it. The goal = type about it in the evening!
3. TWOIP will be our daily study AFTER Hebrews??


BIAY PSALM SYNCHRONICITY

Mom call
Selling Tilly's ill-gained items
Sad about the viola
But it never was meant to be ours
We are always "the middleman" or the "placeholder," even in relationships– we prepare for other people to permanently take our temporary place; we temporarily hold items to pass on permanently to others; etc.


Talking to Anxi about mom stress
"Its because you care about her so much"
"You feel like you're not allowed to take time for yourself because you always have to be on call to do whatever and be whoever she needs you to be"
"You don't know how to take breaks or be interrupted. You're always all or nothing"


Super late BK because the intrusive media thoughts WON'T STOP.
THEY'RE EVEN FORCING OVERLAYS.
The worst part is this is probably all because we've been fasting for 23 HOURS at this point, Which always makes our mental health symptoms so much more severe and unmanageable.
IS THIS WHAT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL?????

Talking to God about this
"You have to learn to love it"

Anxi telling me "I still love you" no matter how I feel or what my weight is
Chaos 0 declaring the same

MR SANDMAN & MIDNIGHT JEWEL

RIO & MARKUS IN CENTRAL?????
Also their "new names" aren't sticking, or resonating. That means they are incorrect– or that they are SPHERE LOCKED names


INFI'S NEW NAME POSSIBLY = "INFUNDE AMOREM"
(also dude do you realize we've been TRYING to find hir new name for YEARS???? WHY HAS NOTHING CLICKED????)

Why am I still worried about dying?
Asking self = "do you WANT to stick around"? "Do you WANT to stay here"? The answer = "NO!"
This felt like my whole mind changed
I understand more what it means to "live with an eternal perspective" = this life is TEMPORARY and NOT MY HOME. I DON'T BELONG HERE and I'M NOT STAYING.
So I DON'T need to worry about LEAVING, because I WANT TO and soon I WILL. I only need to make sure that, until then, I live like I'm "PACKING MY BAGS TO GO HOME."



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-3/

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Christians MUST be VIGILANT against hardness of heart
[because calcification happens SLOWLY.]
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️That HIDDEN sin you INDULGE in? [It's STILL A SIN, and you are STILL GUILTY and STILL IMMORAL because of it, even though] none SUSPECT you of it because YOU HIDE IT WELL [and maybe even project a carefully tailored "good image" in public, specifically crafted to "offset" your pet vice, both in spite of and as a result of your troubled conscience. But your persona is purely DECEPTIVE. You're a HYPOCRITE in the WORST way. You passively manipulate other people into thinking you're a "good person," "innocent" of such depravity as lurks beneath your facade– perhaps even the "last person they'd suspect" of such peversion! How does your conscience not eat you alive at this moral dissonance? How do you sleep at night without it tormenting you with its cries of injustice? Aren't you close to cracking under the weight of the looming judgment upon you? You see the fatal danger– the ONLY way to keep up such an atrociously fraudulent act is to NUMB your conscience– to HARDEN YOUR HEART.]
[But ultimately, your masquerade is only possible because, before you can deceive others, it is necessary that first] you DECEIVE YOURSELF, [laying the corrupt foundation for such audacious pretense by self-justifying yourself into] believing [IN DIRECT OPPOSITION to what GOD HAS SAID] that [your "pet sin"] really "does little harm" [because "it's not like I murdered anyone," or "robbed a bank," etc. using extreme comparisons to downplay the fact that your sin still springs from the same root as those, and given enough time and energy, it WILL grow INTO such extremes (believe me, it happened to me so I KNOW the danger)... OR you claim that it is relatively (or entirely) "harmless" because "it doesn't affect anyone else"– a fallacy you claim is reinforced by the fact that you CAN hide it well, and a stupid claim in any case because it's still affecting YOU! But the problem with self-justification is that it WILL mangle & misinterpret morality to suit its own miscreant interests, no matter how illogical or insane the result is, as long as it "clears me of guilt" in its own eyes– as long as it "gets the conscience to shut up," even if only by heavily tranquilizing it, or inebriating it, or poisoning it. You get the picture. When you're TOO PROUD, and therefore TOO COWARDLY, to be HONEST, then you CANNOT find ANY relief, because relief ONLY comes with PARDON and you CANNOT be pardoned without FIRST facing up to TRUE JUSTICE, and the first step in THAT is ALWAYS HUMILITY– you have to take a GOOD HARD LOOK at your actions IN THE LIGHT OF GOD’S TRUTH, and SEE that you HAVE done wrong, and HAVE done harm, and then have the GUTS to ADMIT IT and OWN UP TO IT and LET YOURSELF BE HUMBLED INTO FEELING THE GUILT AND SHAME THIS FACT DESERVES!!!!!! ONLY THEN CAN YOUR HARD HEART BREAK, ENABLING CONTRITION & REPENTANCE & GODLY SORROW, WHICH ARE NECESSARY FOR ANY HOPE OF RECEIVING GOD'S PARDONING MERCY!!!!! Otherwise, you are damning yourself with every second you run from the truth, with every instance of willful blindness and "selective hearing" and similar deadenings of soul.]
[But THAT’S not even the WORST condition– the absolute MOST DEADLY mindset you can have about your sins is COMPLACENCY, which will INEVITABLY lead to PRESUMPTION. In this state of mind, you have become so "comfortable" with your actions that, even if you DO feel a prick of conscience convicting you that "what you're doing isn't right," you tell yourself that] "You can always ask forgiveness later". [This is WORSE than "burying" the sin or "hiding" its sinful nature, because such presumption RECOGNIZES the sin AS a sin, WITHOUT trying to "justify it" further, because the method of dealing with it is DEADLIER– you'll "get dirty" now, and just "get it washed off" later! The problem is that sin ISN'T some external dust you can brush off. Sin is INTERNALLY TOXIC. Choosing to sin on the assumption that "confession will fix it" is like saying, insanely, "I'm going to drink this poisonous liquid, because it tastes good/ gives me a high/ shows how daring & cool I am/ because everyone else is doing it/ because my body is tough enough to handle it/ because I don't believe it's actually poisonous/ etc. If anything happens, I'll just take the antidote later." THERE'S NO GUARANTEE THAT YOU'LL GET AN ANTIDOTE, LET ALONE GET TO ONE– YOU MIGHT JUST DIE ON THE SPOT!!!! And honestly, if the sin you commit is MORTAL, then THERE IS NO ANTIDOTE, AND YOU WILL DIE. So why in the world would you ever risk it??? Simple– YOU'RE TOO PROUD TO ADMIT THAT YOU CAN DIE. And THAT'S why you won't die to yourself– to do so first REQUIRES that you admit the CAUSE of death, which is SIN. And the more you CHOOSE to sin, the less you will see those choices AS sin. In time, you won't even bother going to "ask forgiveness later," because, if your conscience has been anesthetized, you will no longer feel the need TO be forgiven... OR, if your conscience has merely been bound and gagged, you will DESPAIR of forgiveness. Either way, the poison has worked its power. So you must NEVER PRESUME UPON FORGIVENESS. To do so is also to presume that you will "always have another chance," which in itself presumes, in a bizarre but practically real sense, that you're "not going to die."
And as this effective denial of death (both moral and physical) progresses with repetition, your soul will become twisted, warped, something not truly alive but rejecting any other status. You will either become convinced– due to complacency– that your life is "already eternal", already "perfect" as a heretical "harmony of darkness and light", not needing to change because your sins aren't even "sins" anymore (many new ages think this way)... OR you will become convinced– due to numbing– that there is no other possible life, either physically or spiritually; you comfort yourself with nihilism, with the rejection of objective morals and the denial of any judgment, either now or at the end of time (many atheists think this way).
Both of these mindsets are actually the result of SPIRITUAL PRIDE– the conviction that "I am right" and "I am fine the way I am" because "I am who I choose to be."
But as proud as one may be, in either of these evil mindsets, deep down that soul is AFRAID to die, in ANY sense, because they HAVEN'T SURRENDERED TO JESUS, and HE is the STANDARD OF ALL TRUTH and the JUDGE OF ALL THINGS. As an unrepentant sinner (whether you admit that status is real or possible or not), in your very essence as a moral creature you KNOW you are doomed, because that is the objective fate for ALL the unrepentant, and this fact stands as a witness against you in your very conscience, even if you ignore it or silence it or medicate it or mutilate it or fight it or try to kill it. And the ONLY POSSIBLE DELIVERANCE from the final condemnation that awaits you– and the eternal death that even now clings to you– is to DIE TO YOURSELF, NOW, so that you can be REBORN IN CHRIST.]
[THEREFORE, if you get down to the very ROOT of ALL this disgusting pride, there ALWAYS lies the most evil idea and damning situation of all– that of the CONVICTED BELIEVER who STILL tells themselves,] "You can always "die to self" and "surrender to Jesus" in coming months or years!" [THIS is what it ALL boils down to in the end. It is THE REFUSAL TO BELONG TO CHRIST. Don't you DARE try to argue the point. FIDELITY TO CHRIST IS ALL OR NOTHING. If you are unfaithful in "one tiny harmless way", you're STILL UNFAITHFUL, and therefore CHRIST DOES NOT HAVE YOUR WHOLE & EXCLUSIVE HEART, because you are giving part of it (no matter how "insignificant") to SIN... and that means you have BROKEN THE MARRIAGE COVENANT. You have BETRAYED CHRIST'S LOVE— you have "CHEATED ON GOD"!!!
This mindset is the CAUSE of ALL "individual sin issues" because it takes the WHOLE POINT OF THE MORAL LIFE and "POSTPONES" IT. If you DON'T die to yourself, you CANNOT live for Christ, or IN Him! If you WON'T die to yourself, then you WILL die IN yourself; you will have cut yourself off from resurrection grace! If you DON'T surrender to Jesus, then your sins will inevitably continue to wage war against Him, and you WILL LOSE, because you are fighting against GOD. If you WON'T surrender to Jesus, then you will be counted among His ENEMIES, a "mercenary of Satan" (because even if you think you're some sort of "neutral party" for your "own interests," there are only two possible sides and you're defaulting to THAT one by your pride), and that means you are DOOMED TO DEFEAT in everything you do– and doomed to ETERNAL defeat on the last day, when you are SENT TO HELL with every one of God's enemies– with EVERY soul that REFUSED to SURRENDER TO JESUS!!! You see that THIS IS NO MINOR MATTER!!!!! Your mindset RIGHT NOW is determining your ETERNAL DESTINY.
And THAT'S why the Holy Spirit ALWAYS urges us "TODAY" to "HARDEN NOT YOUR HEART"!!!!!!]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ What [even] YOU CANNOT SEE [not only literally, as your poor duped public cannot, but also spiritually,
with the myopically worldly, pride-dazzled eyes of your own heart], and CANNOT SENSE [which is even scarier– your house is on fire and yet it is in such hidden room that you cannot smell the smoke or hear the roar or feel the heat or see the blaze until it is too late– and perhaps, even if God opens your awareness, you've been telling yourself you're "just imagining things". Maybe the most horrible truth is that YOU set up the fire hazard– or even lit the flame– and walked away, as if this would have no consequences, or at least ones that you could spare to fix, and easily and cheaply at that! Are you suicidal??? There is NO possible "good outcome" to this situation!!!], is that your HIDDEN SIN [STILL] HARDENS YOUR HEART [THAT HOUSE FIRE ISN'T GOING OUT BY ITSELF. ONCE IT CATCHES, THE END IS SURE. And yes, I am using incineration as a metaphor for the innate devastation of SIN, even as its effect on the heart is hardening. The physical effects of each metaphor may be polar opposites, but the ultimate devastation is the same. A hard heart is a dead, numb, calloused heart, but it only becomes so hard because everything around it is on fire. It is a blackened coal, scorched and scalded, all its nerves burned away, a horribly impervious thing– cold and lifeless in and of itself, and yet burning as hot as hell to the touch. The only hope of recovering it is to put the fire out. There is no saving a hard heart if the bonfire that contains it continues to blaze, even against heaven itself.]
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠ As your heart becomes harder, you become LESS AND LESS SENSITIVE TO YOUR SIN. [And BECAUSE of this insensitivity,] you become MORE AND MORE DISTANT FROM JESUS [AND THUS "HARDER AND HARDER TO SAVE"; God won't abandon you, but the farther you run away, and the deeper pit you dig, the harder it will be to walk back and climb up when He does reach you– and that only IF you LET Him reach you, or if you just run faster when you hear His gentle footsteps].
And [just like having cancer,] your spiritual danger GROWS EVERY DAY [WITHOUT EXCEPTION, WITHOUT REPRIEVE].

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ The sin of UNBELIEF has its ROOT in DECEIT, and its [misshapen, rigid, infertile] "FLOWER" is marked by HARDNESS = "LEST any of you BE hardened BY the deceitfulness of sin"!
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ Unbelief and sin are DECEITFUL because, when we don’t believe GOD, we DON’T stop believing [altogether]– we simply start believing in a LIE.
[THIS IS SCARILY IMPORTANT LANGUAGE— notice if does NOT say, "stop believing IN God," but ONLY "stop believing GOD"!!! The key issue is NOT religious faith, per se– it is the OBJECT OF TRUST!!!! And this is the logical outcome– if we DON'T trust GOD, then we're automatically and inevitably trusting OURSELVES. We have trusted in our OWN judgment and set our OWN rules instead of surrendering to HIS judgment and obeying HIS rules. Even if we choose to obey an authority figure other than God, that is STILL OUR CHOICE, and one in DISOBEDIENCE to God– because, as created rational beings, OBEYING GOD, and thereby TRUSTING GOD, IS A COMMAND, NOT AN "OPTION"!!!!! BUT THE SERPENT IN THE GARDEN, THE DECEIVER HIMSELF, CLAIMED TO BE MORE WORTH "BELIEVING" THAN GOD. Adam and Eve STILL "believed IN God," but they chose to BELIEVE the WORDS of the devil as "more TRUSTWORTHY" than those of God!!! THAT'S what UNBELIEF truly is; THAT'S the root cause of ALL SIN!!!]

· Sin is deceitful in THE WAY THAT IT COMES TO US [it can even pretend to be a "nudge from God," or something suggested by a person we love and respect]
· Sin is deceitful in WHAT IT "PROMISES" US. [relief, peace, happiness, profit, etc.]
· Sin is deceitful in WHAT IT CALLS ITSELF. [Claiming to be an "act of kindness" or "mercy" or "justice", etc.]
· Sin is deceitful in THE EXCUSES IT MAKES, BOTH BEFORE AND AFTER THE SIN. ["It's nothing serious", "you didn't know any better," "other people do it and they aren't punished," "God would never really say this is a sin," etc.]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️☠☠☠☠ "DO NOT harden YOUR hearts": We often say our hearts become hard because of what OTHERS or CIRCUMSTANCES "DO to us." But the FACT is that WE harden our OWN hearts in RESPONSE to what HAPPENS TO us.
[PSYCHOLOGY PROVES THIS TOO.]
[TAKE PERSONAL CONVICTED NOTE OF THIS.]

⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ It was UNBELIEF and NOT something else that kept them out of Canaan:
❌❌❌❌❌❌ Their
[disposition and tendency to] SIN did not keep them out of Canaan. [But their ACTUAL sin DID– that WAS their UNBELIEF, the root of ALL their OTHER sins!!!!
However, God had GIVEN THEM THE SACRIFICIAL SYSTEM to deal with the effects of VENIAL sin???? And His PROMISE to bring them to Canaan was NOT "canceled" by their STRUGGLE with sin. BUT they FORFEITED their "ELIGIBILITY" in that promise BY SINNING, specifically by DOUBTING GOD. So this commentator is INCORRECT, probably with the Protestant "faith alone" misbelief.]
❓❓· LACK OF EVIDENCE did not keep them out of Canaan [This implies they HAD evidence; but of WHAT? God's faithfulness? The goodness of the land? The fact that God had kept every single promise so far?]
· LACK OF ENCOURAGEMENT did not keep them out of Canaan [because they HAD encouragement, from Caleb & Joshua & Moses & GOD HIMSELF!]
· DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES did not keep them out of Canaan [because GOD GOT THEM THROUGH THE ENTIRE WILDERNESS, and now they were to enter a place of much more easy and peaceful circumstances, BECAUSE Canaan was the place where GOD PROMISED to give them REST– the "REWARD" of having TRUSTED in Him during THE DIFFICULT times!! ]

❓❓❓❓❓❓❓ In a New Testament context, OUR belief [in God's trustworthiness, and in His Promises– a belief that specifically leads US into the TRUE "Promised Land", the PLACE OF GOD'S REST–] CENTERS on =
1. the SUPERIORITY of JESUS CHRIST [in position & honor & privilege & power & goodness, etc., infinitely above ALL creatures, man and angel alike, for all time– we believe this because Scripture PROVES it, as do the works & Words of Christ Himself; and we "rest" in this because there is nothing Jesus cannot do, both in ability & authority??],
2. the TRUTH of WHO HE IS (fully God and fully man) [we believe this as a CORNERSTONE of our faith; without it we are hopeless, because these dual natures are what make Christ ABLE to be our Redeemer and Mediator, and this was the PURPOSE; we can rest assured in this wonderful salvific truth]
3. His ATONING WORK for us as a FAITHFUL HIGH PRIEST [which we believe because of the OT types and because of Christ's promises, such as His High Priestly prayer?? And because of the very nature of the Cross being a SACRIFICE. In any case a human High Priest never stops interceding for His people, and so neither does Christ as the archetype of the office. We trust in His faithful Heart for us, and we rest in this so fully because His sacrifice and His intercession are EFFICACIOUS and PERFECT and COMPLETE. We CAN trust that we ARE atoned for; there is no reason to doubt or fear or be unsure. "It is FINISHED!"]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❓❓❓❓❓ When we TRUST in THESE things, MAKING THEM the “FOOD" of our SOULS, WE "ENTER INTO GOD’S REST."
[Why the "food" metaphor here, in the Promised Land context? Is it a callback to the Manna, which was also based on trust? Or is it a reference to the "fruits of the land" that the spies brought back as a proof and preview, in that these things of Christ are a "glimpse of heaven" and the assurance that there IS abundance and goodness waiting for us?
As a Catholic, though, this phrase "food for our souls" being applied to "these things (of Christ)" is absolutely and inevitably Eucharistic. That entire Sacrament rests upon FAITH & TRUST. It manifests the Truth of Who He Is, yet in an unseen and mysterious way. It is the exercise of His High Priestly office and theapplication of His atoning work for us, as it is the re-presentation of the Cross to the Father on our behalf. And all of this is only possible because Jesus Christ is superior to all things except God Himself, because Jesus Christ IS God Himself. But what makes something "food"? It is healthful & nourishing & strengthening & life-giving. That is EXACTLY what the Eucharist does for our souls, because the Eucharist IS JESUS HIMSELF, the True Bread from Heaven. His Superiority, His Nature, and His Office are all gathered into the Host, and that Host feeds us in both body and soul. That's how much God loves us. THAT'S why we can rest with Him, IN Him, even now. With Jesus actually present among us, and actually dwelling WITHIN us, He Himself becomes our Promised Land, because His Presence in us makes our soul a "little heaven", where we are "delivered from the hands of our foes," and can "worship in holiness and justice in His Presence" always. God's love for us is fulfilled in Jesus, and we experience that personally in the Eucharist, which is the closest we can get to Heaven itself while still on earth.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ "They COULD NOT enter in": Israel’s GREAT FAILURE was TO NOT PERSEVERE IN FAITH.
[Even after they had crossed] much of the wilderness [WHILE] trusting in God [even though they CONSTANTLY grumbled; nevertheless they DID demonstrate real faith with the bronze serpent, the manna, and following the pillar of cloud wherever & whenever it led. The point here is that they WERE capable of faith and they PROVED they DID have it by their responses to God, but only intermittently? Their faithful actions were overshadowed by their complaints and doubts, which also manifested in actions, notably with the manna, almost in spite of the faith in God's commands that managing the manna required, a faith that was therefore tied to their very survival! And who's to say how many still died because they refused to look at the bronze serpent, or considered it a joke?], and after SEEING so many REASONS TO trust in Him [THIS was SURELY their most damning problem. God GRACIOUSLY GAVE them SO MUCH PROOF of His trustworthiness, to MIRACULOUS extents, for 40 YEARS!!!!! And yet they STILL DOUBTED HIS HEART. How could they– and we, too, wretched sinners that we all are– be so blind and cold to His Love? God SHOWED them how much He cared, and they just... didn't care. They even forgot; that means they weren't even thinking about how He loved them, and yet He kept showing them anyway. That makes me so sad I could cry], they end up falling short [of actually reaching the goal of the whole journey] because they DID NOT PERSEVERE IN FAITH– IN GOD, AND IN HIS PROMISE.
[Faith in God means TRUSTING that He IS trustworthy, that He IS honest and candid and forthright, that He IS Good no matter what, that He AWAYS DOES WHAT HE SAYS, and that He LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY. To have faith in God is to basically stake every one of our hopes on Him, and to place our entire life in His care. It means we KNOW HIS WAYS AND KNOW HIS NAME, and therefore we KNOW that we have NOTHING TO FEAR and NOTHING TO LOSE by surrendering everything into His Hands. And knowing this inevitably means that we trust God's Promise unconditionally– and yes, "Promise" in the singular, because everything is rooted in and flows from and builds upon that first Promise in Eden of a Savior and Redeemer, as would be revealed in time to be Jesus Christ, Who is therefore the fulfillment of ALL God's Promises. To doubt God's Words is to doubt His character; and to doubt Jesus Christ is to doubt BOTH at once, AS one– because Jesus IS God's Word AND God's Son, the "perfect image" of the Father! And so, for us, trusting Jesus's words is equivalent to Israel trusting God– or not– in their exodus. Our DESTINY DEPENDS on HOW WE RESPOND to JESUS, Who IS the PROMISE FULFILLED, AND the ULTIMATE REASON to TRUST IN GOD.]

Jesus reminded us, in the parable of the soils with the seeds cast on stony ground and among thorns, that it is not enough to make a good beginning [because GOD makes the beginning and He ALWAYS begins good]; REAL BELIEF [is a RESPONSE to that beginning, the response of OUR SOIL to GOD'S SEED. If our BELIEF in God IS real– if the soil of our soul is soft & open & receptive & deep, allowing the seed of God's Word to come into us out of the reach of birds, giving it ample space & freedom to put down long & deep roots, being capable of absorbing and holding the rain, being free of parasitic, encumbering thorns and thistles, and above all, willing to give everything of itself to support and maintain and sustain the life and growth of this precious seed, the seed of FAITH IN GODTHEN our BELIEF] PERSEVERES TO THE END. It is wonderful to make a good start, but [even the most beautiful and brilliant start is no guarantee of a similar end. Lucifer fell harder than anyone. So never be proud or presumptuous! Instead, be humble and TRUST IN GOD to lead you on, even to carry you through, because our "success" in life– REAL life, ETERNAL life– is NOT based on our own strength or wit or effort or knowledge. Our victory, our "good end," depends ENTIRELY on HOW FULLY WE TRUSTED GOD. In the end, it ALL comes down to FAITH– not merely belief, but FILIAL SURRENDER, which is the fruit of LOVE. And so, even if we begin at a crawl, broken and weak and helpless, with no hope of making it on our own, the point is that we STARTED, and therefore "WE HAVE GOD FOR OUR HELP", and He is ALL WE NEED. So, as long as we PERSEVERE IN FAITH TO THE END, then no matter how wretched we were at the outset, GOD HIMSELF WILL "COMPLETE HIS GOOD WORK IN US" and we WILL reach the goal of our salvation. IT'S ALL ABOUT FAITH. So do not despair. Just endure to the end, anchored in God's Love, with all joyful hope in His faithfulness to save you "to the uttermost", because] HOW WE FINISH IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN HOW WE START [and as long as you trust Him to, God WILL bring you to "a perfect end"].

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ God has guarded you from Satan through the first great wave of temptations [otherwise you would not have any faith in you today– indeed, you would not even be alive and reading this had God not saved you from hell's murderous assaults against your soul and body]. But, for as long as you are kept alive in this world [and that is Always God's sovereign decision; even the curse of death is still under His ultimate control, for every life belongs to Him and He alone decides when it returns to Him. The devil may have held the power of death– and still does over unbelievers– but Christ holds the KEYS. Even in death, we can trust in God], even beneath many more waves [because God still "has the devil on a leash"; he cannot do more than God permits. Therefore, whatever waves of temptation you grapple with, even the size of tsunamis, God is watching and He holds it all in check. Whatever you are going through, it is under God's control, and by His permission, which means He has a purpose for it, and that purpose is FOR YOUR HIGHEST GOOD], the devil will not hesitate to take advantage of time itself for his purposes. The long, dull monotonous years of middle-aged prosperity OR middle-aged adversity are excellent "campaigning weather" for the devil [and you are not immune to propaganda. This is why we must stay sober and vigilant by being laser-focused on the GOOD NEWS, and keeping far from the fake news of false gospels and selfmade saviors and antichrists]. You see, it is so hard for we poor humans to persevere. The routine of adversity, the gradual decay of youthful loves and youthful hopes, the quiet despair (hardly felt as pain) of ever overcoming the chronic temptations with which the forces of hell have again and again defeated us [a despair that arises from self-reliance; despair cannot take root when we depend on the Holy Spirit to help us, and give no credit to ourselves, being fully aware of our weakness and foolishness, and admitting this openly to God, as we humbly and trustingly implore His merciful help, as a helpless child to a Father], the DRABNESS [the blindness to beauty & loss of wonder that fester in INGRATITUDE and DISTRUST] which the DEVILS CREATE in our lives and the INARTICULATE RESENTMENT with which those same devils TEACH us to RESPOND to it [as opposed to RADICAL GRATITUDE and HOPE in view of GOD’S UNWAVERING GOODNESS and SAVING PLAN for us; this moves us to humbly but joyfully accept ALL things at His Hands as HIS GIFTS to us (because the GREATEST gift He could ever give us on this earth is HIS SON, and He DID– and so if we have Jesus, then that ALSO means having a SHARE IN HIS CROSS, which mysteriously means that ALL our suffering as Christians IS A GIFT, because it UNITES US TO CHRIST'S PASSION), and to LOOK FORWARD to "what God will do," even if we don't understand it, because we TRUST IN HIS MERCY ALWAYS, because "we know His Ways"]— all of these prolonged and repetitive hardships provide countless opportunities of wearing out a soul by attrition. If, on the other hand, the middle years prove prosperous, the temper's position is actually even stronger. Prosperity knits a man to the World. He feels that he is ‘finding his place in it’ while really IT is "finding its place" in HIM [a place that RIGHTLY BELONGS TO GOD; this is WHY "if anyone loves the WORLD, the love of the FATHER is NOT IN HIM"!!! Worldliness is IDOLATRY, and there is room in our hearts for ONLY ONE "GOD".] That is why the devils may even "wish" long life to their victims [and perhaps why many saints die young, whereas those who love the world and worship the flesh and seek earthly pleasures often strive for longevity at any cost]; seventy years is not a day too much for the difficult task of unraveling their souls from Heaven and building up a firm attachment to the earth.

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤❤ [But we Christians have a "secret weapon" even against the longterm campaign of hell.] IF we "enter into God’s rest" [NOW, "TODAY," by our FAITH & TRUST], then the coming years will only INCREASE our TRUST and RELIANCE ON JESUS [because loving Him and being united with Him is what ENABLES us to PERSEVERE unto the end; He IS our rest, and our fortress, and our security, and our joy, and our LIFE. When our hopes are anchored in Him, nothing can shake us. When our hearts are "firmly attached" to His, then we desire nothing else], [and we will enter ever more deeply into] a PASSIONATE, TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS.

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ BUT, if by UNBELIEF we FAIL to enter in, then the coming years will only gradually draw us AWAY from
[ANY sort of] relationship with Jesus [because we can't KNOW Him, if we don't TRUST Him, and the more time we spend AWAY from Him, the colder and harder our hearts will become...].

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https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-4/

🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️This place of rest is so wonderful that IT SHOULD CONCERN US when others or we even SEEM to "COME SHORT" of it. It ISN’T ENOUGH to "ALMOST" enter His rest; WE DON'T WANT TO COME SHORT OF IT
[AND WE CANNOT TAKE THAT RISK BY BEING COMPLACENT OR CARELESS-- WITH EITHER OUR SOULS OR THE SOULS OF THOSE AROUND US].







051826

May. 18th, 2026 08:24 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Hack nightmare

Scary energy morning. Where did my holy suffering go?????


ADORATION FULL HOUSE


TERRIFIED OF MARK.
Could not stop crying from fear when I got home
Felt SO DIRTY AND UNSAFE


INFINITII!!!!!
Trying so hard to help me feel clean & safe again
ACTUALLY SHOCKINGLY EFFECTIVE!!!

Wanting to wear "hir ring"; i cannot remember why it's "hirs" but i cannot shake that association. Whoever bought it was BEFORE the jade sleepover trauma hell, which was a total mental timeline severance, so that destroyed whatever the original hopes were. And yet the ring remains, and it still is attached to Infi somehow. Check the archives to see if there's any mention of its purchase and/or intended purpose.

PENTECOST thoughts for "resurrection"???
WHITE/RED???? SHIFTING LIKE BLACK/WHITE????

"DON'T THINK ABOUT HIM. I'LL PROTECT YOU."



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hopefully finishing this today and moving on to the LAST 1-10 commentary before we FINALLY dive into 11-13!

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/bcc/hebrews-10.html


...A check of [the quoted parallel] verses will show that their FORM, but not their MEANING, has been ALTERED by the author... [he is] quoting a well-known scripture in his own words; and the proof of this is Romans 12:19 where exactly the same quotation in exactly the same words is found...
[It's essential to note that, AS AN INSPIRED SCRIPTURAL AUTHOR, this "alteration" was BY THE HOLY SPIRIT, NOT by his own whim! Thus the meaning was TRULY PRESERVED with no fear of error. WE CANNOT CLAIM TO DO THE SAME with our "paraphrasing". True, by the SAME Holy Spirit within US, we CAN wisely discern & honor the meaning of the original text, but we can NEVER claim to be "divinely approved translators" as the author of Hebrews was. This is humbling and is driven by the fear of God, which is right and just.]

The FACT of God's WRATH [against all sin] is INHERENT IN HIS HOLINESS. These verses trumpet the FACT that the God of the OLD Testament IS the God of the NEW Testament [and therefore ALL the truths of His Character revealed in the Old Testament STILL APPLY UNCONDITIONALLY to Him NOW, and FOREVER; and, by INDISPENSABLE EXTENSION, due to ABSOLUTE UNITY WITHIN THE TRINITY, those Truths of the Father's total holiness AND His associated wrath APPLY ALSO TO HIS SON, JESUS CHRIST.]


‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜 ...THE UTTER AND FINAL DESTRUCTION OF EVERYTHING EVIL IS A [FUNDAMENTAL, CERTAIN, DESTINED, INEVITABLE, UNSTOPPABLE, PROMISED] PART OF GOD'S ETERNAL PURPOSE.
[GOOD!!!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓ There is a line, unseen by us, that crosses every path: The HIDDEN BOUNDARY between God's MERCY and God's WRATH. When King David was offered a CHOICE of three PUNISHMENTS for his sin in numbering Israel, he said, "Let us now fall into the hands of God, for HIS MERCIES ARE GREAT" (2 Samuel 24:14). [his very phrasing revealing, shockingly, that he REALIZED that even IN God's PUNISHMENTS there IS MERCY????? Because Mercy is PART OF GOD'S NAME (Exodus 34:6) and He CANNOT HELP BUT BE MERCIFUL IN ALL HE DOES?????] 
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ 💔💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜("...I don't want to be punished by people. Let the LORD himself be the one to punish us, for he is merciful... the LORD is kind, and I'D RATHER BE PUNISHED BY HIM than by anyone else...  I prefer that we be ATTACKED BY THE LORD, FOR HIS MERCY IS GREAT; I do not want to be attacked by men!")
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ However, [with HOLY FEAR, we must WISELY NOTE] that THERE IS A DIFFERENCE in "falling into the hands of God" for CORRECTION [as WAS the case with David, because he ACKNOWLEDGED his sin with COMPUNCTION and was REPENTANT, and IN CONFESSING HIS GUILT HE PLEADED FOR MERCY!!!! THAT'S WHY GOD GAVE HIM THE PUNISHMENT CHOICES IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!! GOD WAS ACTIVELY HONORING BOTH HIS JUSTICE AND HIS MERCY by GIVING David the OPPORTUNITY to BE CORRECTED, and NOT DESTROYED, as the unrepentant and proud WOULD be. And David, whose heart was humbled and reverently contrite, ACCEPTED HIS PUNISHMENT AS JUST, and THEREFORE IT WAS CORRECTIVE– to have WRONGLY (and IMPIOUSLY) insisted that "real mercy" would give "NO punishment" would have been a GRAVE OFFENSE TO GOD’S JUSTICE, and in fact MERITED FURTHER PUNISHMENT, because such a demand ONLY comes from a PROUD HEART!!!], and in doing so for JUDGMENT [all life is in God's Hands, both the righteous and the unrighteous, and all DEPEND on God's mercy to be SPARED His justice– an action that is ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, remember! And God HONORS this, but ONLY for those who in turn HONOR HIM. The soul that treats the Cross lightly, as insignificant or insufficient, as something unwanted or even offensive, as a joke or a trick or a myth– such a soul will NEVER find mercy, no matter how God may wish He could give it. But God is true and just, and every man that tramples upon His Son is DOOMED to the MOST SEVERE VENGEANCE.] The FEARFUL PENALTIES to be EXECUTED UPON APOSTATES are [arguably] EXCEEDINGLY DREADFUL [BECAUSE APOSTASY IS A CONSCIOUSLY PRESUMPTUOUS BETRAYAL– A DIRECT OFFENSE TO HIS MERCY!!!!! And so THAT MERCY WILL NOT SPARE THEM.]

❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓❓ WHY is it a FEARFUL thing to "fall into God's hands"? Because he is "a LIVING God!"
[I don't quite catch the implications? It is solely to emphasize that He is REAL, and a PERSON, and NOT some lifeless idol or concept or force or feeling? Our punishments are AT HIS HANDS; they are DELIBERATE and JUST and SERIOUS and as REAL as He is. We CANNOT "bargain" or "reason" or "connive" or "think" our way out of our sentence, as one might attempt to do with a false, fallible, and foolish pagan "god"; we CANNOT "relativize" our sins and claim impunity or amnesty as many do who hold an "unliving" idea of deity, a mere impersonal energy, e.g. the "universe" as some nebulous and neutral cause. NO. GOD IS LIVING, AND WE OFFEND HIM EVEN MORE ACUTELY THAN WE OFFEND OUR FELLOW MAN, AND HE KNOWS EVERY LAST THOUGHT AND MOTIVE AND SECRET DESIRE OF OUR HEARTS. THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM HIS SIGHT OR KNOWLEDGE; THERE IS NO EXCUSE OR ALIBI FOR ANYTHING WE DO. OUR SINS ARE OPEN WOUNDS BEFORE HIM... AND UPON HIS SON. BY THE TESTIMONY OF THE CROSS, OUR PUNISHMENTS ARE PROVEN TO BE FULLY DESERVED AND INESCAPABLE... EXCEPT THROUGH THAT VERY SAME CROSS. THAT'S THE HOLY PARADOX THAT HARMONIZES GOD'S JUST WRATH AND MERCIFUL PARDON.
BECAUSE GOD IS A "LIVING GOD," AND PROVED THIS IN A SPECIAL WAY IN HIS INCARNATE SON, OUR SINS CAN "WOUND" HIM, AND EVEN CAN– AND DID"KILL HIM"????
BUT HE WILLINGLY LET THIS HAPPEN, AS THE KEY EVENT IN HIS SALVIFIC PLAN, SO THAT BY HIS SON'S MORTAL DEATH AT THE HANDS OF SINNERS, HIS DIVINE LIFE WOULD TRIUMPH FOREVER, EVEN OVER THE VERY SINS THAT LED TO HIS DEATH– AND OURS!!!!! AND THUS, EVEN THROUGH THE JUST PENALTY FOR SIN THAT IS DEATH, GOD OPENS THE PATH OF MERCY AND LIFE– BUT ONLY THROUGH JESUS CHRIST, AND THEREFORE ONLY BY OUR HUMBLY ACCEPTING THAT JUST PUNISHMENT AT GOD'S HANDS, AS WHAT WE TRULY DO DESERVE, AND YET WHICH DESERVING WE LAMENT AND MOURN, BECAUSE WE NOW SEE, ON THE CROSS, WHAT OUR SIN HAS DONE TO GOD AND TO HUMANITY. AND THAT IS WHAT MOVES US TO PLEAD WITH GOD FOR TRUE MERCY– NOT TO "ESCAPE" JUSTICE (FOR WE HAVE ALREADY ACCEPTED OUR DEATH SENTENCE), BUT TO BE ABLE TO DIE WITH CHRIST, DYING TO THE SIN THAT KILLED HIM, SO THAT WE "LIVE TO SIN NO MORE"!!!!!]
[That is actually more of a reason to REJOICE that our God is a Living God, but that JOY in His MERCY is actually the RESULT of the FEARFUL fact of His JUSTICE; the two CANNOT BE SEPARATED!! The saint will PRAISE God FOR His fearful judgments even while trembling at the mere thought of them, because the saint KNOWS and TRUSTS that, fearful as it indeed is to fall into God's Hands, GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD, and His fearful Power is a Power of RIGHTEOUSNESS. Truly, our fear is rooted in the awful awareness that WE ARE SINNERS, and thus we have no hope to survive God's justice OTHER THAN THE BLOOD OF CHRIST, which is the very cause of our JOY. You see the delicate balance? There is no room for arrogance or presumption, no room for complacency or entitlement. We are helpless and wretched things, filthy and broken and mangled and lost... but God LOVES us and He DOES NOT WANT US TO DIE. Is it fearful to find yourself in His Hands? Absolutely; we know what we deserve, we know how unholy we are, how God has every right and reason to squash us like a bug. And yet "God's mercy is very great". Its greater than we can ever fathom or comprehend. When God cups His Hands and looks down at us crumpled there, shivering and weak and frightened, His Heart is full of COMPASSION, far moreso than with wrath. "He KNOWS we are but dust." And here's the thing: for us Christians– we who have confessed and repented from our sins, we who hate sin and fight it until death, we who have been washed in the Blood of the Lamb and baptized into His very Body– when God looks down at US, He sees the Face of His Son. More than that, He hears the VOICE of His Son, interceding for us in that very moment! And so for US to be "in God's Hands," even though we still suffer our due chastisements, is a position of SAFETY and REST. There is no better place to be; our Father has us held close. He will not drop us or crush us. We are cradled there, completely at His mercy, and completely IN His mercy. It IS a fearful thing to "fall", for that is the effect of sin, but to "land" in the Hands of the God Who we KNOW desires our conversion & salvation even more than we do? That is a thing to be GRATEFUL for.
The "fear" of a Christian is a HOLY fear, the fear of offending our beloved Father, because we Love Him. If we have THIS fear, then we will never fear His Hands, even if they nail us to the Cross, for we know the Heart of the One that holds us.]
[One last thought. Could it be said, then, that Christians should ONLY have this holy filial fear of God, to the point of NOT being afraid of the devil, or even of sin, SOLELY BECAUSE we have FAITH & TRUST that God WILL help us always to FIGHT & CONQUER them through the Holy Spirit, and that God WILL NOT & CANNOT "LOSE" US if we cling to Him in childlike faith and commitment to obedience, always persevering, even when we stumble??? In the end, the devil has NO power over ANYONE except what God Himself allows, and the devil has NO claim on ANY of God's saints, UNLESS they apostasize. But no matter how much we may suffer torments from the armies of hell during this life, we have NO REASON TO FEAR, because God has NOT abandoned us and NEVER WILL, and as long as we do not betray Him, our souls BELONG ABSOLUTELY TO CHRIST. But paradoxically, although we MUST have a healthy "fear" of our own concupiscence and capacity to sin, we must "GIVE THAT FEAR TO GOD" and beg for His grace and mercy and power to NOT sin, by surrendering to the Holy Spirit, and by letting Christ live in us! Basically, we don't even have to fear our own moral weakness, as long as we don't trust in OURSELVES to fight it! But when we acknowledge and admit our frailty and foolishness, and "hand the reins over" to Jesus, then we can actually REST in our TRUST in HIM to GUIDE and SANCTIFY and TRANSFORM us so that we WON'T sin... at least, not on purpose. No human will ever ben perfectly sinless until we die. But we can become less and less sinful every day until then, by the grace of God, if we ASK Him to do that Holy work in us and TRUST Him to and SURRENDER to it and COOPERATE with it, because we're not machines to be programmed, but beloved children who are "growing up" into the very image and likeness of our Father! And when, as children, we trip and fall, we fall into His waiting Hands, always ready to catch us and lift us up again, and always there to hold on to, as we walk beside Him, to KEEP us from falling so easily.]


❓❓❓❓❓❓❓ Hebrews was addressed to the LIVING, and not to the dead [the martyrs, who HAD shed their blood in the struggle against sin and heresy, and notably did so RATHER THAN APOSTASIZE???]; and [therefore] WHATEVER persecution WAS referred to, it WAS "a GREAT CONFLICT OF SUFFERING" [THAT HIS AUDIENCE HAD PERSONALLY EXPERIENCED AND, AS A WHOLE, SURVIVED].
[YOU DO REALIZE THAT, THEREFORE, THIS ALSO APPLIES TO YOU!!!!!!]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 The appeal in these words is to the TRULY HEROIC AND FAITHFUL ENDURANCE of those Hebrew Christians who, AT THE FIRST =
1. STOOD AGAINST EVERY PERSECUTION AND INSULT,
2. ENDURED EVERY HARDSHIP,
3. CONTINUED IN SPITE OF EVERY SHAMEFUL THING DONE TO THEM,
4. NEVER DEVIATING AND NEVER TURNING BACK
[FROM THEIR CHRISTIAN FAITH].
[MEDITATE ON THESE HEROIC MANIFESTATIONS OF VIRTUE. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE BEING CALLED TO DO, RIGHT NOW, AS A FAITHFUL CHRISTIAN IN THIS FALLEN WORLD.]

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💜💜💜💜💜💜 Jesus said, ["You will be the objects of universal hatred because you are called by my name, AND YET not a hair of your heads shall perish.] IN/BY YOUR PATIENCE/ENDURANCE, YOU SHALL POSSESS/WIN/GAIN/SAVE YOUR SOULS/LIVES" (Luke 21:17-19). One of the hardest things for the fleshly mind to realize is that THE VICTORY OF FAITH IS NOT ACHIEVED BY ONE BRILLIANT CAMPAIGN, but by A LIFETIME OF PATIENT AND FAITHFUL SERVICE. It is NOT so much the GLORY of a PROMISING START that the LORD DESIRES as it is the GLORY of a FAITHFUL FINISH. It is such a FIDELITY TO THE END that is urged by the author here.
[THIS IS SO HEART-CLOSE TO THE SYSTEM. PLEASE, PLEASE LIVE LIKE THIS EVERY DAY. THIS IS WHO I MUST BE FOR GOD, AND WANT TO BE, AND AM DEEP DOWN.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ ...whatever [of God's promises and prophecies] may SEEM to tarry, as viewed by PEOPLE, it is NOT REALLY SO AT ALL. GOD'S WILL MOVES INEXORABLY TO THE FULFILLMENT OF HIS ETERNAL PURPOSE. "Delay," from the [limited, temporal, anxious, ignorant] HUMAN standpoint, is NOT DELAY AT ALL from the viewpoint of GOD. HIS WILL IS CERTAIN OF ACCOMPLISHMENT [TO THE FULL, AND IMMEDIATELY AT THE EXACT & PERFECT TIME IN WHICH IT IS RIGHT TO, AND NEEDS TO, BE ACCOMPLISHED; IT WILL ONLY HAPPEN, BUT WILL UNSTOPPABLY HAPPEN, AT THE "APPOINTED TIME," DETERMINED AS HIS OMNISCIENT WISDOM DECREES– NO SOONER, NO LATER].

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Verse 38 is a strong and candid declaration that Christians MUST "LIVE BY FAITH"! This is the ANSWER TO ALL PROBLEMS [because we will trust that, even if we cannot solve anything, God is never so stymied; He knows exactly what is ACTUALLY happening to us AND WHY; He is STILL completely in control, He is allowing and arranging this FOR OUR GOOD, and in the end He WILL resolve everything– in His time, in His ways, & according to His purposes– and we can REST in our FAITH that whatever He does WILL be the BEST for us], the SOLUTION OF ALL DIFFICULTIES ["Jesus, You take care of it" = when we stop trying to solve and manage everything ourselves (as weak and foolish and confused as we are), and instead in FAITH put it all in God's Hands, then HE WILL SOLVE EVERY DIFFICULTY... even if only BY our faith in Him AMIDST difficulties! This is the amazing power of faith, the peace of Christ that overcomes the world. We are able to stand on solid ground during the greatest storms of life, because our security is our FAITH IN GOD, THE OMNIPOTENT LORD OF ALL, Who LOVES us and IS TAKING CARE OF US. Whatever difficulties we struggle with, their "solution" transcends even their presence– when we trust God IN the struggle, the struggle itself becomes a place of grace. And truly, GOD WILL PROVIDE. I can personally attest to this. Even in completely unexpected, even miraculous ways, ways that we could never imagine or even consider being "solutions", God WILL solve our difficulties IF WE LET HIM, by NOT trying to control the situation ourselves! The solution ALWAYS begins and ends with FAITH – true, complete, even blind. We cannot see any way out, but GOD CAN, because God IS the way out.] and the REMOVAL OF ALL DISAPPOINTMENTS [because when we live by faith, then we have NO EXPECTATIONS EXCEPT "THY WILL BE DONE"!! We believe and trust that whatever God wills– whatever God does, or does not do– we ACCEPT WHOLEHEARTEDLY. Our ONLY desire is for HIS desires to be fulfilled. This gracious heart-disposition, possible only by the surrender of faith, means we live WITH GRATITUDE, because faith unites us to the HOPE and PEACE OF CHRIST, and even with JOY, the heavenly sort that transcends emotions and cannot be shaken because it is ROOTED IN FAITH in WHO GOD IS.]
[Furthermore, WHEN we live "by FAITH", then] the matter of "WHEN" Christ will come, as well as countless other questions, can be SAFELY [AND PEACEFULLY] LEFT WITH THE LORD. It is ENOUGH for us to KNOW [BY OUR FAITH] that WHAT GOD HAS PROMISED IS NOT [EVER GOING] TO FAIL.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ That soul that "draws back" because of any [doubting, skeptical, distrustful, anxious, i.e. FAITHLESS] considerations whatsoever [concerning the veracity & reliability & wisdom of God's Words] shall confront the displeasure of God himself[which is really the HEARTBREAK of a LOVING FATHER Whose children STILL WON'T TRUST HIM.]
"Not of them that shrink back" is an affirmation of the writer's CONFIDENCE that his readers WILL, AFTER ALL, CONTINUE in the path of [CHRISTIAN] DUTY and ULTIMATELY PREVAIL [IN KEEPING THEIR FAITH = THUS ALSO 1. OVER THEIR TEMPTATIONS TO FALL BACK, 2. IN STANDING STRONG AMIDST THEIR PERSECUTIONS, AND 3. IN PERSEVERING "TO THE END"].

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------


ON WE GO TO THE LAST!!!

https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/hebrews-1/


❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ Using the properties of light as an illustration, we may say that GOD SPOKE IN A SPECTRUM in the Old Testament. JESUS IS A PRISM THAT COLLECTED ALL THOSE BANDS OF LIGHT AND FOCUSED THEM INTO ONE PURE BEAM.
[THIS IS WHAT WE NEED TO BE, TOO, IN JESUS.]

041326

Apr. 13th, 2026 08:01 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


So the return of the dyspnea is apparently because it's ALLERGY SEASON.
Offer it up to God in Penance for grandma

Very good therapy appointment
FINALLY starting to be open & honest about trauma + eating disorder + multiplicity + gender issues ALL LINKED.

Also worried about how our summer triggers are returning fast and hard. It becomes debilitating every year. We need to make dealing with that fact a top priority.

No case manager though???? She cancelled in person and we had a two minute phone call
So we got to BIKE & READ

THIS BOOK, I AM CRYING SO MUCH,
As a closeted lesbian who also loves space and people this is hitting SO HARD.


Unexpected problem = shower drain sewer gas????
Making me very sick. Very worried about this & very scared.
Will call plumbers tomorrow, immediately after church, as I have nothing else planned tomorrow, just in case I have to evacuate the apartment for a few hours


Night =
WENT TO SEE "PROJECT HAIL MARY" WITH THE FAM!



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FINALLY continuing from the 11th

https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/mhm/hebrews-10.html

Here the apostle sets forth the DIGNITIES of the gospel state.
It is FIT that believers should KNOW the HONOUR and PRIVILEGES that CHRIST HAS PROCURED FOR THEM, that, while they TAKE the COMFORT
[in humble loving gratitude; to refuse to take it would be a grievous affront to Christ's love!!], they may GIVE HIM THE GLORY OF ALL.
[We CANNOT glorify Christ AS our Redeemer UNLESS we KNOW what He HAS done for us IN that role!!! Likewise, and shockingly, we CANNOT glorify Him UNLESS we TAKE what He HAS won for us, and ARE comforted by it!!! GOD'S GLORY IS HIS LOVE & MERCY, IN HARMONY WITH HIS JUSTICE & WISDOM, and we poor sinners CANNOT glorify that fullness UNLESS we KNOW that Love & Mercy FIRSTHAND??? and we have to LIVE IT OUT!!! Christ is glorified in us when we TESTIFY TO HIS REDEMPTION OF US, to His SALVATION of our SOULS, and we must KNOW what this INVOLVES FOR us & EFFECTS IN us, or else those declarations are only WORDS TO us. Christ is INCARNATE; so too our EXPERIENCE of Him AS our Savior MUST be BOTH PHYSICAL & SPIRITUAL; His Work MUST be REALIZED and WITNESSED in our BODIES as well as in our SOULS; the two CANNOT BE SEPARATED.]
[I'm apparently off-topic with this point, but it's STILL TRUE]

The privileges are,
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 1. BOLDNESS TO "ENTER INTO THE HOLIEST".
They have:
a. ACCESS TO GOD,
❓❓❓❓b. LIGHT to DIRECT them
[to this access?],
[is this referring to the Light of FAITH, in Christ? or the Light of Christ's Gospel Word, teaching them how to live AS "children OF Light"? or the "Light" of revelation in Christ, revealing the Father AS Father, and not as Judge, through "adoption as sons"??? ALL OF THE ABOVE?]
❓❓❓❓❓ c. LIBERTY of SPIRIT and of SPEECH, to CONFORM to the direction [of that Light];
[this liberty is FREEDOM FROM SIN’S CONTROL? But why the emphasis on SPEECH? Is it because of the call to "profess our hope" IN Christ, something we could NOT do if we were still enslaved to sin AND death– a slavery that kept us in the DARK?]
d. a RIGHT to [this access],
🌟🌟‼️‼️ e. a READINESS for it, [HOW?? by GRACE?? by SHEER TRUST??? I still feel I'm "NOT ready," and CANNOT be while still on earth– I still sin; i still desperately need to be purified! And yet we are CALLED, BY SCRIPTURE, TO APPROACH. I AM called to "draw near to God." Am I "ready"? Perhaps even that is not my place to decide. If God calls me, then I MUST be ready, BECAUSE I have been called. This response requires GREAT FAITH. Perhaps that's the whole point. My readiness CANNOT come from self-effort. I am ONLY EVER "ready" to approach God WHEN HE SAYS I MUST APPROACH, and in OBEDIENTLY TRUSTING Him, I AM.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️  f. ASSISTANCE to USE and IMPROVE it,
[WHAT IS THIS?? Who is helping us to use this privilege??? The Holy Spirit??? Christ Himself??? And how do we "IMPROVE" it??? This is SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT TO KNOW so PRAY & PONDER IT!!!]
(Improve = "to MAKE GOOD USE OF; TURN TO ACCOUNT"... "to increase in value, excellence, etc.; become better... to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition.")
[This suggests that our USE of this privilege CANNOT be merely mechanical or compulsive or obligatory???? Or, that we MUST NOT use it casually or limply or complacency, WITHOUT feeling the FULL WEIGHT & IMPACT & MAGNIFICENT TERROR & EVEN MORE MAGNIFICENT GRACE of what it is we ARE doing?????]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ g. ASSURANCE of ACCEPTANCE and ADVANTAGE.
[LET THIS SINK IN HARD. ASSURANCE MEANS GUARANTEE. GOD WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT TURN YOU AWAY. GOD WILL ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR PRAYER. AND WHY? BECAUSE YOU APPROACH HIM IN & BY & THROUGH HIS BELOVED SON.]
[As for ADVANTAGE, that means that YOUR APPROACHING GOD WILL NEVER BE TO YOUR HARM OR DETRIMENT OR LOSS. GOD WELCOMES AND EMBRACES YOU NOW AS A FATHER, AND HE DELIGHTS TO GIVE YOU GOOD GIFTS WITH IMMENSELY LOVING GENEROSITY.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ They may "enter into the GRACIOUS PRESENCE of God" IN his HOLY ORACLES, ORDINANCES, PROVIDENCE, and COVENANT,
[THESE ARE MEANS????? HOW SO???????]
ORACLES = by trusting them, and expecting them
ORDINANCES = by obeying them, and revering them
PROVIDENCE = by surrendering to it, and depending on it
COVENANT = by letting it shape our life, and faithfully keeping it
In all these "revelations of God," we CAN & DO experience His Presence, BUT ONLY BY FAITH & LOVE!!!! AND THIS REQUIRES FREE WILL!!!! But when we DO CHOOSE to place ALL our TRUST in God, and in His WORDS & WORKS, and SEEK HIM IN them, BELIEVING that He IS REAL & ALIVE & ACTIVE & SPEAKING in the world and in His chosen ones, then we WILL "enter His Presence" because HIS GRACE IN US, BY LIVING & LOVING FAITH, HAS BROUGHT US THERE???]
[ACTUALLY, EVEN THIS ENTRY OF OURS, INTO THOSE "MEANS," IS STILL ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH JESUS CHRIST!!!!! Ancient Israel ALSO had ALL those things, BUT so many of them DID NOT enter into God's GRACIOUS PRESENCE through those means– not just because many of them LACKED FAITH, but PARTICULARLY because ALL of them LACKED THE PRIVILEGE & POWER TO DO SO, because those are ONLY given to us IN CHRIST!! So even the most Law-abiding Israelite Prophet COULD NOT "approach God" as WE can, because he still had original sin???? I'm honestly just postulating here. Is it true to say that even MOSES couldn't "approach God" as we have the privilege to– freely and boldly– and even through God's means here described???
I THINK SO???
The old Law (ORDINANCES) could NOT justify a man, and so could NOT "bring him to God" by themselves???
The old ORACLES were all POINTING TO CHRIST, and spoke of a future yet unrealized and inaccessible???
The "old" ways of PROVIDENCE, the manifestations thereof, were not truly recognized; God was not "known" in suffering as He is now through Christ??? (The CROSS would have given even JOB the most profound hope and joy; he would then have recognized ALL as Providence???)
And the old COVENANT was BROKEN by Israel, over and over; they could not keep it by their own power, and so they could never actually EXPERIENCE the covenant RELATIONSHIP as it was meant to be.
SO, in the "old dispensation," even with the Law and Priesthood and all the "shadows of good things to come," they STILL could NOT "enter into God's gracious Presence," maybe even solely because IT WAS NOT TIME TO SO SO. The WAY INTO that Presence, the Way of GRACE, was HIDDEN & CLOSED UNTIL CHRIST CAME???? Yes I'm sure God DID give grace to certain individuals (especially Moses), but even this was nowhere near the FULLNESS of grace that we poor unworthy sinners now CAN and DO receive and experience IN THE NEW COVENANT, where JESUS CHRIST FULFILLS AND CONSUMMATES ALL ORDINANCES & ORACLES, AND CONFIRMS DIVINE PROVIDENCE IN ALL THINGS THROUGH HIMSELF.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️❤❤❤...and SO enter into COMMUNION WITH GOD, where THEY RECEIVE COMMUNICATIONS FROM HIM...
[THIS IS SO AMAZING, ESPECIALLY in light of the previous point! We FIRST enter into God's gracious Presence through "ETERNAL" means, through special revelations that He gives to His people at large? BUT when we DO so enter, through FAITH, and ESPECIALLY through THIS NEW COVENANT PRIVILEGE, now WE "RECEIVE COMMUNICATIONS", INTERNALLY & PERSONALLY, through the HOLY SPIRIT!!! This is something that, under the Old Covenant, ONLY the Prophets & Patriarchs seem to have experienced (as our precious discussion implied)!!! But now, GOD'S SPIRIT DWELLS WITHIN US. We don't just "receive communications" from Him there, we HAVE COMMUNION WITH HIM. As I said, it's RELATIONAL. We become GOD'S FRIENDS. We become GOD'S FAMILY, GOD'S CHILDREN! Unlike every single Old Testament prophet, the "communications" WE receive aren't merely "business," nor are they a "burden"!! We have the unfathomable privilege and blessing of just TALKING TO GOD. We can just... BE with Him. We can SPEAK to Him and He WILL LISTEN, and we can LISTEN to HIM BECAUSE HE WILL SPEAK TO US, and all of this just for SHEER LOVE. We COMMUNICATE BECAUSE we HAVE COMMUNION. We now CAN MEET God IN His oracles & ordinances because CHRIST HAS FULFILLED THEM. So actually, JUST BY COMMUNION WITH JESUS CHRIST, WE "ENTER GOD'S GRACIOUS PRESENCE" IN ALL HIS REVELATORY METHODS??? Jesus IS the embodied Law; Jesus IS every oracle fulfilled; Jesus IS the means of Providence; Jesus IS the New Covenant Himself!!! And, again, lest we forget, it is ONLY THROUGH JESUS, AS OUR MEDIATOR, THAT WE CAN APPROACH GOD AT ALL. But we DO, because He WANTS us to, and Jesus HELPS us to, and so we CAN enter His Gracious Presence at ALL TIMES, because HIS SPIRIT IS IN US, and WE ARE IN CHRIST, and all WE have to do, in utmost love and gratitude, is HAVE FAITH in this blessed privilege of Covenant union, AND ACT ON IT.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤❤...till they are PREPARED to ENTER INTO his GLORIOUS PRESENCE in HEAVEN.
[THEN GOD'S PRESENCE WILL NOT BURN YOU UP. IT WILL SET YOUR HEART ON FIRE.]
[NOTE: WE ARE PREPARED BY PRESENT COMMUNICATION. THIS MEANS RELATIONSHIP & EVEN DIALOGUE. THIS IS HEAVEN ON EARTH ALREADY!!! WHAT A BLISSFUL PRIVILEGE!!!]

[ALSO!!! NOTE THE DISTINCTION OF PRESENCES!!!! GRACIOUS NOW, GLORIOUS HEREAFTER!!!]

2. [We have the great privilege of] A HIGH PRIEST OVER THE HOUSE OF GOD, even this blessed Jesus, who presides over the [ENTIRE House of God– both the] church MILITANT, ON EARTH, and EVERY member thereof; and over the church TRIUMPHANT, IN HEAVEN.
[Why the specification of "every" militant member? Is that just to emphasize that, no matter how much some of us may struggle and stumble, no matter how may times we may fall and fail in our frailty, God STILL keeps us in His Grace, through His Spirit Who NEVER leaves us, and will NEVER forsake us, as long as WE do not forsake HIM. But as long as we still cling to the Church and her Head, as long as we never defect from "God's army" of grace, then Christ remains our Lord and Leader, and we ARE a part of God's House, precious to Him and protected no matter what.]
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💜💜💜💜💜💜God IS WILLING to DWELL WITH MEN ON EARTH, AND [IS JUST AS WILLING] to have THEM DWELL WITH HIM IN HEAVEN;
⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ but FALLEN man CANNOT dwell with God WITHOUT A HIGH PRIEST, who is the MEDIATOR of RECONCILIATION HERE, and of FRUITION HEREAFTER.

[WE ARE ALL FALLEN MEN UNTIL CHRIST OFFERS HIS BLOOD FOR US, AND PURGES US FROM SIN, TO MAKE US HOLY SO GOD CAN DWELL WITH US; AND THEN, THROUGH GRACE, TO SANCTIFY US MORE AND MORE EACH DAY UNTIL WE REACH HEAVEN AND CAN DWELL WITH HIM.]


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https://wherepeteris.com/wounds-for-the-feast-of-divine-mercy/

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💔💔💔💔💔💔💔❤❤❤❤❤❤❤AN OPEN HEART RECEIVES THE MISERY OF ITS BELOVED. "Like attracts like", and a BROKEN HEART unwittingly HOLDS FORTH A STRONG VALENCE to ANY brokenness that can vex ANY human life.
(Valence = "the ability & capacity of one person or thing to react with or affect another in some special way, as by ATTRACTION or the facilitation of a function or activity".)

[THIS IS MY REASON FOR EXISTENCE. I feel it in my blood.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💜💜💜💜💜‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ Will we, like Thomas, carry OUR WITNESS [of Christ's Wounds] to the ends of the earth [by SHARING IN His Woundedness, which He WILLINGLY suffered ON OUR BEHALF and which we MUST willingly suffer ON THE BEHALF OF OTHERS, and ALL FOR LOVE'S SAKE], even unto the shedding of our OWN blood [not only as a testimony to His Person and Work, but as a living extension & proof of His deepest solidarity with, and compassion for, His beloved suffering people]?

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️💜💜💜💜💔💔💔💔 Will we, BLINDED WITH WEEPING [for sorrow born of LOVE, a love ONLY POSSIBLE in a heart that is BROKEN OPEN TO PAIN, so as to KNOW & SHARE the pain of OTHER HEARTS], REACH OUT [even into total darkness] to [SEEK & FIND & TOUCH & SOOTHE] our neighbor’s wounds [even the most deep & terrible, even the wounds of the HEART, which hurt the most agonizingly– and into which we, LIKE CHRIST, MUST POUR OUR LOVE]?

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔💔💔💔 ...or will we [REFUSE to LET our hearts be broken open, REFUSING to be wounded or even TOUCHED by pain, thus REFUSING THE CROSS– and as a result,] COLDLY look on the harmed innocents... and see only “collateral damage?


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https://mailchi.mp/broadstreetpublishing/i-hear-his-whisperi-am-so-happy-you-are-mine-7788512?e=ba01d0c4f7

I Hear God's Whisper...Release shame to me.


❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸My BLOOD is the FIRE OF PURITY purity that WASHES EVERY SIN AWAY.
[THIS IS SO DEAR TO MY HEART. GOD IS MY HEART IN THIS SYSTEM SUPPOSED TO REFLECT YOURS IN THIS PURE-BLOOD-FIRE-FORGIVENESS????]

⚠️⚠️⚠️‼️‼️‼️To HOLD ON to shame is to REFUSE the GIFT that I HAVE GIVEN you– the gift of FREEDOM.
⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔💔💔💔MAINTAINING those feelings of guilt
[DESPITE My forgiveness AND your repentance] WON’T "MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON".
[...I daresay Laurie and Knife and all the other Protectors and Retributors learned this firsthand. Brutal punishment-- axes and blades and swords and everything else-- wasn't what actually "made the evil go away." In the end, we all realized that the only thing that actually made it "work" was the LOVE that we felt for each other despite, and during, it all. When I found myself wanting to bleed and suffer just so I could see and heart and feel them... then we knew. The yearning for forgiveness, for betterment, for a second chance, was not seeking the wounds themselves, but the beloved hands that wounded. The true freedom from the agony I was feeling was only to be found in relationship, in LOVE, because ONLY LOVE CAN FORGIVE, because ONLY LOVE IS MERCIFUL, and therefore ONLY LOVE FREES THE HEART FROM SHAME.]

🌟🌟🌟🌟💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜 ACCEPT MY FORGIVENESS and [IN doing so, receive the grace it pours into you to truly] FORGIVE YOURSELF, and I WILL HEAL YOUR HEART and SET YOU FREE.
[...and this is the worst irony. Every Core, from the very beginning-- even the Jays, although they were able to love everyone else with everything they were-- has always struggled to love THEMSELVES. 
...but Chaos 0 can tell you more than anyone else in here how that secret self-loathing of even the most sparkle-bright Cores inevitably bled through and froze their hearts solid. And Jesus knows, more than anyone else in existence, how deadly that is. That's why He points us to the Cross. He has seen the Cores at their absolute blackest, in the depths of sin and despair that no one else has ever seen but God, and He STILL FORGIVES THEM. He STILL LOVES THEM, AND HE LOVED THEM EVEN THENTHIS IS THE ONLY WAY THE CORES WILL EVER BE ABLE TO TRULY FORGIVE-- AND LOVE-- THEMSELVES: BY LETTING CHRIST LOVE THEM SO TOTALLY THAT ITS ARDOR BURNS AWAY ALL THE CORRUPTION OF SELF-HATRED, AND FREES THEM TO LOVE WITH HIS LOVE-- WHICH IS POURED OUT FOR EVERYONE, THEMSELVES INCLUDED.]

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 PUT [your confessed and repented] SIN BEHIND YOU [stop dragging it back into the present]. Once you’ve REPENTED for what you’ve done OR neglected to do, I HAVE FORGIVEN YOU!
[GOD LITERALLY NEVER HOLDS GRUDGES. ...I'm not used to that at all. The very idea-- no, the very FACT-- that once I confess and repent my sins, even the worst and most abhorrent, Jesus LITERALLY FORGIVES AND FORGETS. That's... it literally destroys ALL the viral power of sin. We are basically REBORN every time we walk out of that confessional. Why in the world do I keep mining the darkest places of my memory, "making Jesus remember" what He has already washed off my record? He wants me to REJOICE in the pure white page that He and I get to write my future on together. Why do I keep digging through the trash, even the ash heap, insisting that those very things I wished never happened to begin with should still be staining every following chapter? I don't know. God please help me.]
If you haven’t asked for forgiveness, you only need TO ask, and I WILL pour it out like RAIN. My Mercy is NEVER-ENDING, and there is NOTHING my Mercy does NOT cover.
[...that reference to rain is a sword to the heart. You know exactly why. And hasn't he literally been a living sign of Christ's Mercy, of that Heart-Water of Grace, for the past two decades straight?]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔💔‼️‼️‼️I DON'T want you to live with a mindset of What if I would have…? or What if I wouldn’t have…? Don’t allow the past to hold such a strong grip on you THAT YOU FORGET THE PRICE I PAID TO SET YOU FREE.
[THAT CONTEXT HITS???? THE "PRICE PAID" INCLUDES FREEDOM FROM "WHAT IFS"????? GOD HAS LIBERATED US JUST AS WE ARE AND THERE'S NO USE WISHING WE HAD BEEN "MORE DESERVING" OF THE RANSOM PAID WHEN HE DID SO?????]

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️💔💔💔💔💔‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ [OBSESSING OVER OLD] GUILT [and refusing to confess and surrender new guilt into My Mercy] is a TRAP of the ENEMYa PLOY to keep you SO FOCUSED ON YOURSELF AND YOUR MISTAKES that you LOSE SIGHT OF MY GRACE.
[OH MAN THAT'S A GUTPUNCH; I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY BEFORE BUT IT MAKES TERRIFYING SENSE]

💔💔💔💔💔💜💜💜💜💜 IF you will COME to me today and GIVE me your shame, I WILL HEAL YOUR HEART. FORGIVE YOURSELF and EMBRACE MY GRACE.
[note the keyword. "COME TO ME." in the end, we have to GO to Him. We have to get up and walk home, and open the door, and look in His Eyes, and run into His Arms. He is waiting, always waiting, yearning for our return, but just like in headspace, you have to make that decision with your heart to answer His call of love. "Come to me." Isn't that exactly what Infi would always say, with love-ache eyes that reflected that same divine ardor, that reminded you of the Creator of the stars of night, of the King of the Angels, of the Truth of what your soul is worth and how God Himself sees you from the Cross? 
God this means everything to me. Thank You. Please, please, give me the grace TO embrace you, and not be afraid of how beautifully it hurts.]



 


041226

Apr. 12th, 2026 07:43 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


HAPPY DIVINE MERCY SUNDAY 💙❤💙❤💧🩸💧🩸

Bravely texted mom & brothers with link to the devotion
I MUST be bold in my faith; I MUST own it fully & openly

DIVINE MERCY DEVOTIONS
HIS EYES!!!!

The consecration prayer GOES HARD
It is EXACTLY what my heart desires most; it is IN TUNE with WHO I AM, deep down, as I knew in college– one who "suffers for love"
 

Home for 5. SO TIRED. The heat isn't helping

My body gets SO SICK when I don't eat broccoli after I eat the hemphearts???
Is it because the fiber helps absorb bile from digesting fat??
Or does my body legit want/need carbs???


GOTTA FINISH THIS BOOK TONIGHT


Night =
UNEXPECTEDLY, THE COVID BREATHLESSNESS RETURNS????
I HAVEN'T STRUGGLED TO BREATHE IN MONTHS AND IT'S BACK


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https://emails.ewtn.com/what-is-the-meaning-of-divine-mercy-sunday

https://ewtnmission.com/seasonsandfeastdays/divinemercy/

https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/devotions/indulgence-vs-promise-13363

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 [The soul that] APPROACHES the FOUNTAIN OF LIFE on this day... that will go to CONFESSION and receive HOLY COMMUNION shall obtain COMPLETE FORGIVENESS OF SINS AND PUNISHMENT. On that day all the divine floodgates through which grace flow are opened..." (Diary 300 + 699)

["APPROACH" LANGUAGE LIKE IN HEBREWS!!!!
FOUNTAIN OF LIFE = THRONE OF GRACE = SOURCE OF MERCY???]
[note the MEANS of "approach"– the SACRAMENTS!!!! and to PROPERLY receive EITHER of them you MUST be BOTH REPENTANT AND TRUSTING!!!!!]
[ALSO note the striking language "FLOODGATES"– a "REVERSE" of the time of Noah!! THAT'S the comparative extent to which God pours out MERCY upon us today, and INFINITELY MORE. And by this very Flood of Love, He calls ALL men into the Ark of His Church, the Ark of His Son's Mystical Body, to be not only SAVED, but DELIVERED, from sin & death & fear & misery & even near despair, into a NEW & FREE & HOLY LIFE.]


"ALL GRACE FLOWS FROM MERCY, and the last hour abounds with mercy for us.
Let no one doubt concerning the goodness of God; even if a person’s sins were as dark as night, God’s mercy is stronger than our misery.

[INFI THIS IS FOR YOU]

💙❤💙❤💙❤💙❤💙❤ One thing alone is necessary; that the sinner set ajar the door of his heart, be it ever so little, to let in a ray of God’s merciful grace, and then God will do the rest.” (Diary, 1507)
[I think this is the most beautiful thing I've ever read]

“Souls who SPREAD the HONOR of My mercy… at the hour of death I will NOT be a JUDGE for them, but the MERCIFUL SAVIOR.” (Diary, 1075)
[We spread the honor both by publishing the devotion, and speaking of Christ's mercy in the Gospel, but ALSO by BEING MERCIFUL. Our WITNESS to Him in SPEECH does NOT honor Him truly if we don't honor him by witnessing to His mercy with who we ARE.]

"At three o’clock, implore My mercy, especially for sinners; and, if only for a brief moment, immerse yourself in My Passion, particularly in My abandonment at the moment of agony. This is the hour of great mercy … In this hour I will refuse NOTHING to the soul that makes a request of Me in virtue of My Passion." (Diary, 1320)
[What does our Lord mean by "Abandonment"? And what is the "MOMENT" of Agony? Is that referring to the literal final moment of His Life, the very moment when He DIED, and "abandoned" His Soul and entire Will into His Father's Hands?
LET'S LOOK IT UP.]

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➕ https://www.thedivinemercy.org/articles/whats-most-disturbing-words-jesus-spoke

[This] brings us face to face with what I think are the most disturbing words that Jesus ever spoke. On the Cross, the Son of God ACTUALLY ASKED why His heavenly Father had "ABANDONED Him" at the very time He MOST NEEDED to FEEL His Father's comfort and strength.
This is an EXPERIENCE that many of us can RELATE TO. It often happens that in moments of CRISIS, in times of EXTREME personal and emotional SUFFERING, that is PRECISELY when our loving God SEEMS farthest away- when we MOST NEED to FEEL Him near! It can come as a TERRIBLE SHOCK to the sincere and faithful soul when he/she first goes through such an EXPERIENCE OF ABANDONMENT.

[THIS WAS OUR LIFE UNDER THE EATING DISORDER]

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💜💜💜💜💜💜It is as if Jesus was saying: "My God, though I FEEL right now AS IF You ARE far away from me, AS IF You HAVE abandoned Me in My misery and affliction, yet still I KNOW that you ARE My Father, [and I KNOW that you have NOT left me and will NEVER leave me, because I KNOW that You LOVE ME, no matter how I feel in my humanity,] and so IN YOU I PUT ALL MY TRUST."

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️💔💔💔💜💜💜💜The Navarre Bible Commentary on St. Mark puts it this way: "One of the most painful situations a person can experience is to feel ALONE, in the midst of MISUNDERSTANDING [no connection] and PERSECUTION [no love] on ALL SIDES [no friends], to feel completely INSECURE [no safety] and AFRAID [no peace]. God PERMITS these TESTS to happen so that, EXPERIENCING our SMALLNESS [humbled, helpless] and our WORLD-WEARINESS [unmerciful, ungracious], we place ALL our TRUST IN HIM, WHO [in His omnipotent mercy and infinite love] DRAWS GOOD FROM EVIL "for those who LOVE HIM" (cf. Rom 8:28)."

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➕ https://2-timothy.blogspot.com/2013/05/to-feel-agony-of-abandonment.html

...I believe that when we think of Jesus' Passion, we automatically focus on a few key parts:
the horrific scourging at the pillar; 
thorns plunged into His sacred scalp;
a bloodied, weak, flesh-exposed body
carrying a heavy cross up a hill; 
large nails being plunged into those Hands and Feet...
enduring the pull of gravity while nailed to a cross
These events are SO BRUTAL that it is still very difficult for me to wrap my mind around them, but these are all PHYSICAL Passions. It's what WE THINK OF and RELATE TO most, being PHYSICAL BEINGS.
So... I couldn't figure out why Jesus wanted us to meditate on His Passion, "particularly in [His] ABANDONMENT at the moment of agony." Jesus's [Own] emphasis on THIS phase of the Passion must have been particularly important and painful, but I still couldn't shift my focus from the physical pains.
And one day, after a few days of
[patiently, trustingly, perseveringly, lovingly, humbly] ASKING for understanding, my answer WAS given to me.
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 The WORST moments of Jesus' Passion must NOT have been those unfathomable, PHYSICAL beatings... it must have been the
[even more unfathomable] EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, and MENTAL pain.
This seems so strange to us in a culture where we do all we can to make ourselves comfortable and pain-free...We like as little pain and discomfort as possible, which is [paradoxically] WHY we focus so much on the PHYSICAL pains of His Passion. But I don't think that was His WORST experience.
[And that's WHY we typically AVOID even CONSIDERING what Jesus suffered in His Mind & Heart & Soul– there is NO WAY to "comfort" those agonies with external means; there is NO "numbing" that pain; there is NO "escaping" it. And for Christ it was more excruciating than any human being ever COULD experience such pains, because He was FULLY CONSCIOUS of the FULL EXTENT of ALL His tortures; He did NOT dissociate or pass out or lose sensation whatsoever. In His Divinity, Jesus felt MORE pain, more CLEARLY and INTENSELY, than any mortal human being is even CAPABLE of... and THIS EXTENDS TO INTERIOR SUFFERING.]

🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️💔💔💔💔💔 MEDITATE on His moment of abandonment, AS HE SAYS [to do], and you WILL "get it" too. Put YOURSELF "in HIS shoes":  Jesus KNOWS what is ahead. He KNOWS that one of His BEST FRIENDS just [willingly!!] turned Him in and sentenced Him to a gruesome death. [Right now,] Jesus is the most AFRAID and ANXIETY-FILLED He has EVER been.
[Jesus, in the Trinity, was and still is] a PURE and BLISSFUL God [completely, eternally, essentially free of all pain & sorrow & fear], Who [out of PURE LOVE, decided FREELY & WILLINGLY to become INCARNATE, in order to save US from those very things (which result from our SIN), which we were HELPLESS to do on our own, and so DOOMED without Divine Help. So The Son] clothed Himself in humanity so He could not only [EXPERIENCE, but] UNDERSTAND [every single aspect and facet of human suffering– and not only our] PHYSICAL pains, but our EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, and MENTAL pains as well [in order to BRING GOD INTO ALL OF IT, so that NOW, for the soul that has FAITH, there is NO PLACE WHERE THE DARKNESS ISN'T PIERCED WITH LIGHT. Jesus entered into DEATH ITSELF, in ALL its forms and effects, and not only DEFEATED it, but TRANSFORMED it BY HIS PRESENCE THERE... but in order TO do this, Jesus HAD TO "DIE" IN EVERY POSSIBLE SENSE. He had every reason in the whole universe to be terrified, more than any man had ever been; and AS a man, He WAS– because THAT experience, too, was PART of His redemption].

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You know, when I enter into that moment of abandonment in meditation– a feeling I know all too well from personal past experience– my immediate thought is, actually, "oh God, save Him from this agony!" Because I'm sharing in someone ELSE'S experience of that awful anguish, and it shatters my heart to realize it; oh how I want to deliver them somehow, to be with them and reassure them that God has NOT abandoned them, to offer them compassion and comfort and companionship, to BE the "presence of God" to them in that moment... and I realize that THIS IS HOW JESUS FELT FOR EACH ONE OF US IN THAT MOMENT. When He entered into that blackest place, when He KNEW FIRSTHAND what that "separation" felt like, then His IMMEDIATE response was HEARTBREAK– He cried out OUR words from the Cross!! So now, whenever we DO sob or scream that cry from our personal abyss, JESUS IS THERE WITH US. We are NOT abandoned. We are NOT alone or forgotten or uncared for. Jesus is WITH us, to COMFORT us with His LOVE, even IN the pain– offering a more PROFOUND and PERMANENT CONSOLATION than ANY mere sensible relief could EVER give.

And Jesus ties our misery to the Psalm. He takes our most terrible distress and He weaves it ALL, without diminishing or downplaying it, into a PRAYER of TRUST & HOPE, and even PROMISE in the last few verses–
"I shall proclaim Your Name to my brothers, praise You in full assembly: "You who fear God, praise Him! ...For He has NOT despised NOR disregarded the poverty of the poor, has NOT turned away His Face, but has LISTENED to the cry for help"...these will tell of His SAVING JUSTICE... "HE HAS FULFILLED IT!""
God WILL deliver His faithful ones, those who fear Him because they love Him, those who cry out to Him in their poverty of spirit, and plead for His help, placing ALL their hopes and trust in HIM ALONE. And God WILL save them in His JUSTICE... by means of His MERCY, which are BOTH fulfilled and perfected by JESUS CHRIST upon the Cross.
God CAN be "just" in FORGIVING us penitent sinners because our very penitence is a gift of GRACE, which was WON for us BY Christ, and BESTOWED on us IN Christ, and therefore God's forgiveness of us is satisfying His Own PROMISE to do so for ALL who approach Him THROUGH HIS SON, our HIGH PRIEST!!!! God is never unfair. Christ's Blood shed for us MERITS our forgiveness, so when we are "covered in it" by FAITH, it IS "SAVING JUSTICE" for God TO forgive us, because HE SAID HE WOULD, and furthermore He WANTS TO!!!

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➕ https://catholicstand.com/jesus-suffers-together-with-us-and-for-us/

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟💔💔💔💔💔In Psalm 22, the psalmist cries out to God IN his suffering
[this alone is an ACT OF FAITH; He STILL turns to God, and does NOT grumble against Him! Furthermore, he speaks with RAW HONESTY, as only mutually close friends do]; he [openly admits to God that he] feels abandoned by Him. In his pain, the psalmist’s PRAYER has become a CRY, lamenting the apparent silence of God. At the same time, he TRUSTS that the Lord WILL HEAR HIM and that He WILL ANSWER his prayer. The psalmist prays: “My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief. [And yet,] In you our fathers trusted; they trusted and you rescued them” (Psalm 22:3, 5).
[He KNOWS the "NAME" of God; He knows God is compassionate and merciful and faithful; he KNOWS that God HAS helped His faithful people countless times in the past when they called to Him for help; God DOES NOT CHANGE, and the psalmist humbly but boldly stakes all his hope in God's Heart of steadfast love– and, I daresay, even in their covenant friendship, for the psalmist has known and served and "belonged to" God since his birth, and he has been as faithful as he can, and now he throws himself on God's mercy for the rest.]

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🔙 https://ewtnmission.com/seasonsandfeastdays/divinemercy/

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💜💜💜💜💜💜 Like a physician who PROBES the wound BEFORE treating it, God, by His WORD and by His SPIRIT, casts a LIVING LIGHT on sin [to REVEAL it with DIVINE SCRUTINY, from which NOTHING can be hidden, and which CANNOT be deceived. His Word is a "double-edged sword", and His Spirit is a Fire– when they enter a soul, they WILL & DO & ALWAYS pierce to the very heart of our heart, cutting through all walls & lies & ignorance, to discover & disclose our very darkest depths, and drag our most disgusting deeds up into His beautiful Light, NOT to shame us but to REMOVE our shameful sins and CURE us of them by ENABLING CONTRITION!!! God does all this for us unceasingly and untiringly, with unflinching LOVE, with "brutal tenderness" and "terrifying compassion," and He "devotes Himself" to this salvific effort because OUR] CONVERSION REQUIRES CONVINCING OF SIN [AND WE OFTEN AREN'T CONVINCED UNTIL WE'RE STARING OUR LONG-HIDDEN HORRORS IN THE FACE. And we must realize that GOD LOVES US ENOUGH TO DO EVEN THIS FOR US. HE DESIRES OUR SALVATION SO ARDENTLY THAT HE DIED THE MOST AGONIZING DEATH POSSIBLE TO ACCOMPLISH & SECURE IT FOR US. NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TRUST HIM, SURRENDER TO HIM, AND LET HIM WORK IT OUT IN US– NO MATTER HOW MANY WOUNDS HE HAS TO PROBE. EVERY PAIN GOD CAUSES WITHIN US IS A HOLY PAIN, A SIGN OF HIS HEALING, AND THANK HIM FOR THEM ALL.]
[ALL TRUE] CONVERSION INCLUDES the INTERIOR JUDGMENT OF CONSCIENCE, and THIS [JUDGMENT], being a PROOF of the ACTION OF THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH in man’s INMOST BEING,
becomes, at the same time, the START of a NEW GRANT OF GRACE and LOVE: “Receive the Holy Spirit.”
Thus, IN this “CONVINCING concerning SIN," we discover a DOUBLE GIFT: the gift of the TRUTH OF CONSCIENCE and the gift of the CERTAINTY OF REDEMPTION. The Spirit of TRUTH [Who convicts our souls] IS the CONSOLER [of our souls, BECAUSE He is Truth– His JUDGMENTS are ultimately & ALWAYS meant to open & clear the way for His MERCY!]."


🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 FROM [THIS KNOWLEDGE & EXPERIENCE OF GOD'S] DIVINE MERCY, which [alone] BRINGS PEACE TO [ALL HUMAN] HEARTS [beginning in HIS CHURCH, THROUGH THE GOSPEL, AND INSEPARABLE FROM JESUS CHRIST], GENUINE PEACE FLOWS [OUT FROM THEM, "springing up" as "streams of living water" united to the Source, AND] INTO THE WORLD– [and THIS HEART-PEACE, BORN OF & ROOTED IN DIVINE MERCY (AND ALL IT ENTAILS & REQUIRES, INCLUDING CONVICTION & CONVERSION), is the ONLY way we will EVER have TRUE] PEACE between different PEOPLES, CULTURES, and RELIGIONS [because it will be a UNIVERSAL and UNITIVE peace, ANCHORED IN THE ONE TRUE GOD, and MAKING ALL HEARTS ONE HEART, IN THE HEART OF JESUS CHRIST, WHO IS MERCY HIMSELF]."

Pope Francis has likewise shown great CONCERN to BRING God’s mercy to the sinner, and [to do so] HUMANLY [personally, face to face, with real heartfelt concern and compassion, in "encounter" that isn't afraid to draw near and even embrace, as Christ Himself did] to the marginalized... he drew attention to the HEALING aspects of the Divine Mercy, ESPECIALLY as IT COMES TO OTHERS THROUGH US [AS the Mystical Body of Christ, the "prolongation of His Incarnation", the continuing means by which He "mediates grace to nature" and to humanity at large], saying,
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤❤❤💜💜💜💜💜"In God’s Mercy, ALL of our infirmities find
[real & complete] HEALING. His Mercy, in fact, DOES NOT KEEP A DISTANCE: it [ACTIVELY, BOLDLY, LOVINGLY, ALWAYS] SEEKS to ENCOUNTER ALL FORMS OF POVERTY, and to FREE this world of so many types of SLAVERY. Mercy DESIRES to [PERSONALLY & DIRECTLY] REACH the wounds of ALL, to HEAL them.
Being APOSTLES of mercy means TOUCHING
[with utmost care & compassion & tenderness & attention, without fear or hesitation or disgust or disdain] and SOOTHING the WOUNDS [even open, gaping, festering, infected, still bleeding] that today afflict the BODIES AND SOULS of many of our brothers and sisters. [In] CURING these wounds, we PROFESS JESUS, we MAKE HIM PRESENT and ALIVE [through OUR lives, given for HIM and for OTHERS for HIS SAKE]; we ALLOW OTHERS, who TOUCH HIS MERCY ["EMBODIED" IN US AS HIS CHURCH & APOSTLES]WITH THEIR OWN HANDS, to RECOGNIZE HIM AS “LORD AND GOD ” (Jn 20:28), as did the Apostle Thomas. THIS is the MISSION that [JESUS] ENTRUSTS TO US."



030526

Mar. 5th, 2026 08:13 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 
Thank God for Stephanie
Made it to Mass!
SO MUCH BLOOD THANK GOD
Vocation match adoration
Debilitating brain fog

Unbelievably stressed out over next 4 days

Rescheduled doc appointments to manage the stress
Feel guilty about this? Feels like avoidance, unreliability
But I'm so sick of these medical & psychological visits
I just want God

BRAVELY DID LAUNDRY

Talking to the System while folding clothes
FEELING THINGS for Wreckage
Laurie = "You have a type"
Lynne pointed out the selfinclusion

Talking to Infi
Distressed over past still
That's why we're avoiding therapy?
We both think ze needs to "come back different"
We DIED to that timeline


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YOUVERSION MSG
HEBREWS 3-5

New Jerusalem Bible
Hebrews 4 + 5
(3 was on 0225)



💜💜💜💜‼️‼️‼️‼️ His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey.

[CAN THIS ACTUALLY BE SCALPEL'S JOB???? We all serve Christ; if Scalpel can "wield the Word" this way, that would help our poor sick soul SO MUCH]
[Related = Laurie with the "axe at the foot of the tree," and the "imperishable crown"]

🫀🫀🫀 No created thing is hidden from Him; everything is uncovered and stretched fully open to the Eyes of the One to Whom we must give account of ourselves.

[THAT LANGUAGE ALWAYS HITS SO HARD, especially now with the SURGICAL imagery... this makes me miss Infinitii so badly. Ze would embody this for us, teaching us HOW to hold this state before God... but would that tempt to idolatry? That's how we fell before; we trusted more in the angels then their LORD...]

🌟🌟🌟❤❤❤ God means what He says. What He says goes... Nothing and no one can resist God’s Word. We CAN’T get away from it— no matter what.

[The uttermost ends of the sea, the wings of the dawn, the depths of Sheol, the highest heavens... God's Word CREATED and SUSTAINS it all. We "live and move and have our being" in His Word, and His Word IS CHRIST! So in literally every single location in the cosmos, every last atom, Jesus is mystically there, and He is speaking it into existence even now, by His Own Life. Jesus is Everywhere, in Everything, Always. What He says is TRUTH, and LAW, and His Words SHAPE REALITY, and are IRRESISTIBLY EFFICACIOUS. God's Word, Jesus Christ, is inescapable and incontrovertible, and His Word is LIFE, and His Life is LOVE. No matter what or where or when or who or why we are, THAT is our context of existence. GOD is our REASON for being, and CHRIST is our MEANS of being, and the SPIRIT is our BEING itself. Existence is permeated with God. We live because He loves us, and reality runs on the order of that love, and it is unshakable to the end. God means what He says, and He has spoken ONE WORD, and that Word is CHRIST, and Christ says "I LOVE YOU," and He MEANS IT more than anything, and we cannot "get away from" that Word because it is everything, because HE is everything, and Love WILL conquer all, and THANK GOD FOR THAT!!!]
[ALSO– REMEMBER YOUNG WIZARDS.]


🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️❤❤💔💔 We DON'T have a priest who is [so exalted and so separate that he is] out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all– all but the sin. So let’s WALK RIGHT UP to Him and GET what He is SO READY TO GIVE. TAKE the mercy, ACCEPT the help.

[oh man this phrasing actually hits home hard. "Approach with boldness and confidence," sure, but to do what? For what purpose? To gain mercy and grace, sure, but how? In what manner? LIKE THIS. We're not approaching the "Ark," the Throne, as a mere object, however sacred. We're approaching the PERSON SEATED THERE. We're WALKING UP TO HIM, and we're asking HIM. but... do we trust Him? THAT'S where this all culminates. THIS is when we must HAVE FAITH– not just in the reality of the Promise, but in the Reality of CHRIST'S LOVE & MERCIFUL HEART FOR US. We CANNOT approach with confidence if we don't PLACE that confidence IN something, or rather in someONE, and that confidence must be POSITIVE– we must be SO "BOLD" as to ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT JESUS WANTS TO HELP US WRETCHED SINNERS. And that is WHY we MUST approach Him AS A MERCIFUL HIGH PRIEST. Our ground of confidence isn't just His Character, it's how He has PROVEN that character BY SUFFERING LIKE US, FOR OUR SAKES. He didn't "go through it because He had to," begrudgingly or by obligation. He ISN'T disgusted with us BECAUSE of the temptations He faced, moved rather to repulsion at what we awful sinners are prone to do. NO. Christ HAD PITY ON US. He KNOWS we are only tempted because we are BROKEN and WEAK. He DOESN'T loathe or despise us Because HE CREATED US, AND HE CREATED US GOOD. And He KNOWS that sin is UNNATURAL, and He HATES WHAT IT DOES TO US, and so when He took on our broken nature to EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND what it is like TO be broken, HIS HEART BROKE. He saw and felt all the horrors and weaknesses that we do, every single day, nonstop, and He WEPT WITH COMPASSION. Why wasn't he revolted? Oh He was, but at the SIN– NOT at the poor sinner who was enslaved by it against their will. Jesus was outraged at the evil itself, NOT at us humans who are overpowered by it in our confusion and weakness. Jesus was sickened by our sickness, not at the soul ravaged by it. Jesus was appalled at how far the human race had fallen, but that just made Him all the more determined to lift us all the way back up. Temptation showed Jesus how repugnant sin is, but it also showed Him how ironically and tragically difficult it is for the flesh to repugn it. He experienced our infirmity and decrepitude of soul, He felt for Himself how our emotions are desperately scrambled and often scream incoherently at us, how our reasoning is twisted and foolish and often misinformed at the root, how our wills are somehow both feeble as a wet noodle or stubborn as a cinderblock, and never in the proper direction. We are a mess, we humans; we are utterly incapable of doing the right thing on our own. We are lost in our own heads and hearts, constantly scared and in pain to the point where we violently numb ourselves just to survive, even though surviving itself often makes us want to die. But death terrifies us, because we see nothing beyond it, and we are so hungry for hope, for comfort, for consolation. But we look in all the wrong places... we eat all the wrong fruits. We are all stumbling about lost and aimless in total darkness because we have cut ourselves off from God, we don't know where we came from or where we're going or what we're supposed to do, and we succumb to nihilism and hedonism and relativism because we're desperate for some substitute and the devil takes full advantage of it. Sin becomes our drug. Sin becomes our addiction, one we are born with. We learn to love the taste of poison even as it makes us sicker every day, because there's always that false promise, that initial high, the hit and the buzz, the numbing and dulling, that makes us feel... what? We always regret it. But we're enslaved. We don't know what else to do, and our souls are weeping, starving, lost. And therefore, in every moment, every unsaved human being is drowning in temptations. They never stop; they cannot stop, because the black hole of original sin draws them inexorably to us, and swallows us whole in the process. Jesus felt ALL of this, but not as an observer or analyst or judge– He felt it AS a human. He DIDN'T HAVE original sin, true, so He did NOT have that inner void– but WE do, and over the ages it has chewed up human nature to total disfigurement. But it cannot touch the very core, the place where we are STILL and FOREVER made in God's Image, and Jesus KNOWS this, and Jesus is DETERMINED to RESTORE that to its ORIGINAL FULLNESS. But first He wanted to know exactly where all the wounds were, and how deep, and how infected. Only then could He heal them properly; only then could He understand us properly; only then could He console us properly. Jesus became a human, and the devil treated Him just like any one of us, and Jesus understood how that ancient serpent has made our lives a living hell. And Jesus doesn't want any of us to ever have to live in that prison again.
I'm rambling. What's the bottom line this time? It's this = Jesus loves you. He knows exactly what horrific things you've done and He knows why you did them. And yet, this isn't mere omniscience. Jesus has been in your place. Jesus has taken on flesh like yours and He has felt the same temptations you have– all the desperation and hunger, all the fear and confusion, all the pain and grief and despair, all the misdirected hopes and misguided comforts, all the ways in which a heart that was made for love tries to find it apart from God. He recognizes all the "wrong praise" and all the ways in which our innate purpose of worship gets corrupted. He felt how weak your will was, how foolish your mind was, how aching your heart was, how anguished your soul was. He felt the blind animal instinct of your broken body fighting against your human sense. He was tempted in every single way you have ever been tempted and ever will be. And He doesn't hate you for it. Jesus does not condemn or malign or deride or reject you for it. Jesus doesn't point fingers and laugh or sneer or spit at you. He doesn't jeer, "you should be ashamed of yourself! How disgusting you are!" He doesn't avert His Eyes in contempt, so offended and nauseated by what He knows of us that He won't even acknowledge us. No. We can draw near in Boldness, NOT in the sense of "in spite how much He despises us," like "bold children" who impudently refuse to obey the rules even now and brazenly step over the boundaries for spite– but rather, we draw near to His Throne with courage despite our SINS, because we KNOW He LOVES us, and our boldness is born of HOPE– it is "in spite of" OUR self-loathing??? Jesus has entered into the most abhorrent places of our existence and He has seen the WORST of what we are and He has FELT the ugliness firsthand and He DOESN'T HATE US, HE DOESNT DESPITE US, HE ISN'T DISGUSTED WITH US. Why did He CHOOSE to experience all that then? SO THAT HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE STRUGGLING WITH, AND EXACTLY HOW TO SAVE US, AND WE'RE NEVER ALONE OR MISUNDERSTOOD. But most of all, it was so He could PERFECTLY INTERCEDE FOR US. Since now He knows ALL the details, He can beg for mercy for EACH ONE. He can apply His Sacrifice with UTMOST PRECISION. He can bring His Light to EVERY LAST BIT of our darkness. His healing, His tenderness, His restoration, is THOROUGH and ABSOLUTE. NOTHING IS HIDDEN, SO NOTHING IS EXEMPT. NOTHING IS SECRET, SO NOTHING IS EXCLUDED. EVERYTHING IS BROUGHT TO THE CROSS AND BROUGHT BEFORE GOD TO BE FORGIVEN. And so when we sin, and we are devastated and abhor ourselves, we CAN STILL GO TO JESUS because not only does He KNOW what we did already, but He WILL BE MERCIFUL because He KNOWS how we felt before we fell. He knows how hard the fight is, and how weak we are, and how we CANNOT win without grace. So He is MERCIFUL. It's so hard to fathom logically. Only the heart understands, and it understands perfectly, so I will stop rambling.]
[HERE'S the bottom line, straight truth, no babbling = JESUS WANTS TO HELP YOU. JESUS WANTS TO SHOW MERCY TO YOU. JESUS IS WAITING FOR YOU TO APPROACH HIM SO HE CAN GIVE THEM TO YOU, AND GENEROUSLY. BUT YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE. AND YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR HEART TO RECEIVE WHAT HE GIVES. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT HIS HELP WITH HUMILITY, NOT RESIST IT WITH SHAME & SPIRITUAL PRIDE. YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE MERCY AS THE WONDERFUL GIFT IT IS, WITH GRATITUDE AND JOY, NOT REFUSE IT WITH SELF-HATRED AND HARDNESS OF HEART. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE CONFIDENCE OF A CHILD, THE BOLDNESS BORN OF PURE FAITH AND TRUST, THE INNOCENCE OF APPROACH THAT KNOWS NEITHER EGO NOR FEAR, BECAUSE IT IS ALL LOVE. THIS IS THE POWER OF GRACE, THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE TRUE BEHAVIOR OF A CHILD OF GOD. THIS IS HOW WE FIND REST– BY RUNNING TO OUR FATHER'S ARMS, AND KNOWING HE WILL EMBRACE US, BECAUSE WE ARE IN HIS SON.]

🌟🌟🌟‼️‼️‼️While he lived on earth, anticipating death, Jesus cried out in pain and wept in sorrow AS He offered up PRIESTLY PRAYERS to God. Because He honored God, God answered Him.

[DOES THIS IMPLY THAT HIS HIGH PRIESTLY PRAYERS NECESSARILY INCLUDED PAIN & SORROW???? HE NEEDED TO ENTER INTO, SHARE, FEEL, AND EMBODY OUR AGONY IN ORDER TO MAKE IT INTO HIS PRAYER ON OUR BEHALF???? AND BECAUSE HE WAS INNOCENT OF SIN, HE COULD TRANSMUTE IT THAT WAY???? HE ACTUALLY HONORED GOD BY CRYING IN PAIN AND WEEPING IN SORROW, BECAUSE HE DID SO OUT OF LOVE FOR US, WITH US, AS US, FOR MERCY???? BECAUSE HE KNEW DEATH WOULD DEVOUR US OTHERWISE AND HE COULDN'T STAND TO LET THAT HAPPEN TO US POOR LOST AND FEEBLE CHILDREN???? HE HONORED GOD IN THIS WAY BECAUSE HE WAS NOT INDIFFERENT TO US; HE WAS NOT COLD OR JUDGMENTAL; HE HONORED GOD'S NAME OF COMPASSION AND FIDELITY TO HIS SAVING COVENANT!!!!! JESUS HONORED GOD BY WEEPING IN SORROW FOR OUR SINS, AND FROM THE PAIN THOSE SINS CAUSED US– BOTH JUSTICE AND MERCY, BOTH PURE LOVE. JESUS CRIED BECAUSE WE WERE SUFFERING AND HE SUFFERED WITH US; HIS TEARS WERE NOT FOR HIMSELF. HIS AGONY WAS A PRIESTLY PRAYER BECAUSE IT, TOO, WAS AN IMMOLATION, A SELF-SACRIFICE, A WHOLE BURNT OFFERING ON OUR BEHALF, IN OUR PLACE, AS OUR REPRESENTATIVE, AS OUR BROTHER, AS US. HE BROUGHT HIS OWN HUMAN BLOOD TO THE ALTAR, THE BLOOD HE SHARED WITH US, AND MINGLED WITH HIS TEARS IT WASHED AWAY OUR SIN. HIS PRAYERS FOR US BLOOMED FROM HIS SHARING IN OUR SUFFERING.  ANTICIPATING DEATH, HE FELT OUR FEAR, AND HE PLEADED FOR OUR LIFE. AND BECAUSE HE DID SO WITHOUT SELF-INTEREST, AND FOR THE SAKE OF THE COVENANT THAT HE HIMSELF FULFILLED, GOD ANSWERED HIM. THIS HONORED GOD, BECAUSE GOD IS TRUE, AND GOD DOES NOT REJOICE IN THE DEATH OF ANYONE. GOD IS HONORED BY MERCIFUL LOVE– AND ALSO BY RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE, WHICH IS WHY JESUS TOOK OUR DEATH UPON HIMSELF. BOTH/AND. HE CRIED TO GOD TO SAVE HIM FROM DEATH– HIM, THE MAN JESUS, IN THE PLACE OF ALL HUMANITY, AS THEIR HIGH PRIEST AND SACRIFICE. "SAVE ME, NOT FOR MY SAKE, BUT FOR THEIRS." THIS WAS NOT TO PREVENT PHYSICAL DEATH– FOR THAT WAS HIS WHOLE INTENTION FROM BIRTH– BUT RATHER, HE PRAYED TO BE SAVED FROM DEATH AS DEATH– TO DIE IN ORDER TO PUT DEATH TO DEATH– TO DIE TO DEATH IN ORDER TO LIVE TO LIFE, TO GOD, SO THAT WE COULD, TOO.
HIS WHOLE LIFE WAS A PRAYER, BUT HIS DEATH MOST OF ALL. HIS DEATH WAS THE ULTIMATE INTERCESSION, THE MOST PROFOUND PETITION, THE PERFECT PRAISE, THE HIGHEST WORSHIP, THE GREATEST ACT OF LOVE FOR GOD AND MAN.]

Though he was God’s Son, he learned trusting-obedience BY what he suffered, just as we do.

[Obedience is proven as gold in the fire. Obedience requires trust, and trust is perfected by testing. Suffering makes us totally helpless and so often makes us desperate for control, for relief, for escape. To trust and obey DESPITE suffering, or even when it CAUSES suffering, proves TRUE virtue.]

No one elects himself to this honored position. No one takes this honour on himself; it NEEDS a call from God, as in Aaron's case.

[...this always haunts me, concerning my vocation discernment. Am I "taking it on myself"? Am I forcing this? Has God called me, or am I so bent on being a consecrated religious that I cannot accept any "lesser" calling? How much is ardor and zeal and love, and how much is fear of "not being holy enough"???]


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I THINK I GET IT?

THE JEWISH CHRISTIANS WERE AFRAID OF DYING FROM PERSECUTION. THEY WANTED TO "GO BACK" TO JUDAISM, THEIR OLD LIFE.
ANCIENT ISRAEL DIDN'T ENTER CANAAN BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT GOD WAS GOING TO LET THEM DIE INSTEAD. THEY WANTED TO "GO BACK" TOO!
THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE GOD'S PROMISE OF THE LAND, OR OF GIVING THEM PROTECTION & VICTORY!
THE JEWISH CHRISTIANS NOW NEED TO TRUST IN THOSE SAME PROMISES SPIRITUALLY????
ENTER PROMISED REST = JESUS SAVES FROM DEATH?
REST = CREATION COVENANT = SABBATH = RESURRECTION = REAL HOPE OF HEAVEN = NO FEAR OF DEATH!!!
BUT ONLY IF WE OBEY GOD AS CHRIST DID; MOSES DISOBEYED AND HE COULDN'T ENTER!!! BUT JOSHUA/JESUS DID BECAUSE THEY TRUSTED GOD'S PROMISE AND ACTED ACCORDINGLY???

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TPT HEBREWS 3-5

And so, dear brothers and sisters, you are now made holy, and each of you is invited to the feast of your heavenly calling.

[PEACE OFFERING MEAL???]

Christ is more than a Servant, he was faithful as the Son in charge of God’s house.

[He was a servant AS MAN? But He was the Son AS GOD? Before His death & resurrection, He was "not yet exalted" to glory and He "emptied Himself"– He was a servant as a man BECAUSE Moses was ALSO a servant as a man; Jesus was the "TRUE MAN," the model and perfection of what it means TO be human! This means SERVING BOTH GOD AND OTHERS, FOR GOD. Humanity is NOT meant to act as if they were equal to God! We ONLY gain a status of "sonship" IN & THROUGH THE GLORIFIED CHRIST. As chapter 2 said, we are NOT "in charge", because we are fallen, BUT God MEANT for us to be in charge of earth, when we were WITHOUT SIN. And Christ RESTORES us to this IN HIMSELF. The authority comes FROM GOD, and the charge itself is FOR GOD. Man's dominion of earth was to CARE for it and "OFFER IT UP TO GOD IN WORSHIP" AS A PRIEST. It wasn't about power, it was about LOVE. And THAT is what is ALSO means to be a SERVANT– we humbly give of ourselves for the benefit of others. THIS IS GOOD AND HOLY. So yes, Christ DOES serve. BUT because He is also GOD, justice demands that He must BE served. WE CANNOT CLAIM THIS. Even as adopted sons, we will ALWAYS be servants, and this is GOOD, because CHRIST DID THE SAME AS A MAN. It is the greatest joy and honor to be God's servant. Otherwise who would we serve? Only liars and evil. Our service and our salvation are intertwined. REMEMBER = THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T SERVE IS THE DEVIL. And THAT'S WHY EVEN GOD DID NOT EXEMPT HIMSELF FROM SERVING!!!]


The same people who were delivered from bondage and brought out of Egypt by Moses, were the ones who heard and still rebelled.  They grieved God for forty years by sinning in their unbelief, until they dropped dead in the desert. So God swore an oath that they would never enter into his calming place of rest all because they disobeyed him.

[Disobedience = no peace or calm, because only God's will brings peace! Rebellion in and of itself is violent and agitated; to have such a disposition means your ego will always be at war with everyone else. Disobedience automatically prevents peace.]

It is clear that they could not enter into their INHERITANCE because they wrapped their hearts in unbelief.

[THIS HITS HARD. The rest was PROMISED. It already BELONGED to them. But they REFUSED TO BELIEVE IT, and so they effectively REJECTED THE "GRANT." They were so distrustful and suspicious of God, and so easily overwhelmed and disheartened by difficulties, that they refused to EVER take Him at His Word. THAT'S why JESUS HAD TO SUFFER TO "LEARN OBEDIENCE"– because He was the TRUE Firstborn of God, the "TRUE Israelite," and where ancient Israel lost all hope in the face of adversity, Jesus HAD to "walk the same path" and yet DO EXACTLY WHAT GOD SAID. God said "enter Canaan" and Israel disobeyed because they didn’t trust God to protect them once they did, because since there were "giants in the land," they were convinced that God was tricking them, and leading them into certain death. In contrast, God told Jesus to "enter death" and Jesus DID, because He TRUSTED God to deliver Him STILL, as Abraham did with Isaac! Jesus, unlike Israel, trusted that despite all odds, God WOULD lead Him into the "promised land"– to the "promised rest"– to "freedom from our foes," sin and death, the true enemies and fears of all mankind, not just Israel. Etc. But the INHERITANCE of Israel was the ABRAHAMIC promise??? That was LAND and CHILDREN and BLESSINGS. And Jesus was given ALL of that by OBEDIENCE UNTO DEATH, because He TRUSTED GOD'S FAITHFULNESS DESPITE DEATH, because God is the LIVING God. Jesus had FAITH. Wrapped in His burial shroud, His faith and belief bore brilliant testimony to God's Truth on Easter Sunday, and we still have that testimony of Christ's faith to look upon today. But do we believe? Many don't, but it's what first moved John and Peter, and it's what first moved me. Do not wrap your heart in unbelief, mummifying yourself while you still live. Israel was so bound up in self-protective fears that they suffocated. We must come to God as Christ did on the Cross– with nothing but open arms.]

3:1 Or “you participate as partners in the heavenly calling.” The Greek phrase, “heavenly calling” implies an invitation to a celestial feast. It could also be translated “you are called to share the life of heaven.” This calling originates IN heaven and draws us INTO heaven. However, in the Aramaic this phrase can be translated “called with a calling FROM heaven,” which is the Aramaic title of the third book of the Torah, Leviticus, and refers to the calling of the Levites as priests.

[THAT would explain BOTH the feast (sacrifice) AND the participation (serving the high priest)! And the "life of heaven" is relationship, remember– the Life of the Trinity. We ONLY enter into it THROUGH CHRIST, and this intimate unity occurs THROUGH THE EUCHARIST, which is a MARRIAGE FEAST. We enter into this AS kingdom priests because we, like Christ, OFFER OURSELVES to Him??? His self-sacrifice WAS the "consummation", the perfect and total self-giving; WE MUST DO THE SAME, BY HIS SPIRIT, THROUGH THE SACRAMENTS??? In any case, yes, we PARTICIPATE in the Cross, AS kingdom priests, PARTNERS in Christ's priesthood, CALLED by God to this, TO the wedding feast, which IS the Life of Heaven, which is the PRESENCE OF GOD, which is CHRIST IN US THROUGH THE EUCHARIST and the HOLY SPIRIT THROUGH BAPTISM, both united to the Cross, BOTH RECEIVED BY FAITH, and both affirming our priesthood IN Christ, etc. It's very rich. But the essence is = we SHARE in CHRIST’S calling, which chapter 2 implies is the calling to our full and original dignity as human beings, which was to be priests over all Creation, and to "govern the word to come"??? We are "called to GLORY, through SUFFERING." We are called to RESURRECTION, through CRUCIFIXION. We must die to our sinful earthly selves in Adam, in order to live as our new heavenly selves in Christ.]





121325

Dec. 13th, 2025 07:54 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


Dream with CHERRY TEA (Mega form CONFIRMED Marineangemon!!!) and XANDER FRONTING????
He kept keeping his eyes halfopen because "that's how they draw me"; like a forced overlay. It was frustrating him but he took it with good humor
HE COULD COMMUNICATE WITH CENTRAL MENTALLY WHILE FRONTING which is very notable
His perceived hue overlay was effectively the color of dried blood. Leaning vaguely orange? DARK. Almost muddy.
Felt like he still has stuff to heal and purify, but its almost inert? Not an active disease like the plague. Still a danger, but he's not under immediate attack, thank God


So much nutrition math this morning BUT we figured it out nicely, so we don't have to do this again in the future which is nice.
Also discovered that aquafaba is a thing? Putting it in the oat bran for tomorrow!

Stupidity excited about getting to try eating a tuna sandwich in the near future, haha



Morning "central chat" as usual

INFI in the corner. "Temporal mode" (two wings, mouth, only face eye(s?)), felt somewhat like a ghost? I couldn't approach hir; space warped somewhat around hir
Laurie commented that ze wasn't giving off hir trademark "vibe" s a result and that felt "wrong"
I tried to tell hir "don't restrain/ hinder/ hide/ that", but couldn't find the right words so I said it in feeling. Chaos's eyes got this look; "you're speaking in MY language!"
Infi DID soften then and the atmosphere change was TANGIBLE. Ze had to back to bubblespace though
Ze isn't "fully resurrected" yet?? Ghostly state.
ARE WE ALL??? If our very System hasn't rebuilt, are we ALL somewhere in an "interim space" between full life and full death???
PONDER THIS.

Mimic, Chaos, and "maps" reference, in respect to the 4Him song = only God truly loves me "as i am," but don't we all do the same as much as possible for our limited knowledge?
"I don't know everything about you, but I DO love you "as you are" to my knowledge" basically. Asked Mimic if he did the same, not quite rhetorically– i think my phrasing literally asked "you don't know everything about me either, but do you love me as you know me anyway"?
Mimic = DID NOT ANSWER at first. Walls visibly up. Then, almost judging, "That's not something to be said casually"
Laurie, with a knowing smile = "I'll take it"

Comparing love to color. "Red is not violet," etc. "But you love them all"
"Orange is not pink" = "but I'd say we get along pretty well!"
Lynne kissing Julie on the cheek at this
Julie putting lipstick on specifically to kiss her back, Lynne laughing

Leon showing up to sit next to Mimic, completely unexpectedly– "out of the blue" remark; "I'm close enough"; also noting closeness to Violet

THE SYSTEM/SPECTRUM CANNOT FUNCTION PROPERLY IF CENTRAL IS NOT FULL!!!
THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ARE SO HUE-UNSTABLE = THE SYSTEMIND IS "STRETCHING US OUT" TO "FILL THE GAPS"!!!

ARE THERE "CANDIDATES"????
For example, YELLOW being Yosefina (still not resurrected but it feels like the system is trying to; we NEED specific jargon for naming the basis behind that particular feeling), Juliette (missing but not dead?? Again, very particular feeling; BTW have we tried pinging her?? WHAT LEVEL DOES SHE "EXIST ON"???), and that "gyaru girl" with no resonant name yet.
GREEN feels totally devoid of candidates yet, BUT it is TANGIBLY "radiating potential"? Or at least "calling for it", magnetically almost, yet with a clear sense of "receptivity & readiness"– like a flower giving off a heady scent, almost. No one is there but it is waiting expectantly?
BLUE is weirdly a mess. The color feels "UNDERGROUND"?? It's TOO dark. IS THERE CORRUPTION THERE???? FROM WHAT?? IS THIS WHY WE'RE "PICKY ABOUT BLUE" HUES IPL???

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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:39 Heb “concerning his punishment.” The noun (khetʾ) has a broad range of meanings: (1) “sin,” (2) “guilt of sin” and (3) “punishment for sin,” which fits the context of calamity as discipline and punishment for sin.

[That feels very much like Laurie's "original heart", as sheer Violet.]
[The meaning-range feels simultaneous– sin, by its very nature & design, ALWAYS coincides with both guilt & punishment. Guilt is instantaneous, and ineffaceable by mortal power– even as it also defaces our souls without mortal remedy, which IS the truest and most awful "punishment" sin brings on this side of eternity, and which also happens at the very instant sin is committed– like a stab wound, or an acid burn, or even a explosion. One second is all it takes to mark and mutilate you permanently... maybe even kill you. And that fatal danger is inherent, inescapable, imminent. Do not mess around with sin. We are all mangled beyond recognition by its ravaging effects until Baptism, and even then, we are reinfected daily, even though now we have a "working immune system" of grace to help fight it off, and a Divine PCP on call 24/7 to heal the damage that we bring to him in faith for cure. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is literally miraculous in this regard: whatever wounds we sorrowfully expose within that box, whatever diseases we meekly declare, whatever disfigurements we reveal in humility, God will heal them all. But this healing– and that of Baptism, to which its power is intrinsically linked– is mysterious, and paradoxical, because it is ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST'S SACRIFICE ON THE CROSS, and therefore THROUGH HIS BLOOD & DEATH. So our healing may not "look like" healing to our mortal eyes. We may, like Jesus, still carry scars. We may still feel pain. We may even encounter the very sin we just confessed mere seconds after leaving the confessional! Why? Two reasons = 1. We are AT WAR spiritually. Heaven and hell are locked in combat in historical time, their battles raging on earth from Eden onwards. Sin– and Satan– will never stop hunting us down or attacking us with great violence as long as we are alive in the body. That's WHY the Church is a "field hospital"! 2. Reconciliation, possible ONLY through Christ's Blood, DOES unfailingly efface our guilt, AND cancels our debt of eternal punishment. However, justice still demands restitution, and our sins are TEMPORAL as well as spiritual. So we must still suffer sin's temporal aftereffects, even after all guilt is forgiven, although NOW that suffering can be willingly UNITED TO THE CROSS and therefore made purifying, redemptive, and virtuous, helping to "cleanse us of sinful attachments" through orienting our lives TO eternity through unity with the Savior's Own suffering. But we're still on the cross. Just like a murderer cannot "fix" what he did even if he is fully pardoned AND the victim's family holds no grudge or malice against him, his evil act had an irreversible impact BOTH in the world AND in his OWN soul, too– the weight of such an act was like getting caught by a grenade, and even if now he has been freely given the best prosthetic limbs, as it were, he still has to learn to walk all over again. A murderer, even if by grace he DOES experience an immediate and real conversion of heart, still has a history full of atrocity and a pure heart will naturally NEED to live out a future that "ATONES" for it temporally, even though Christ has done ALL the spiritual atonement. He still needs to learn HOW to be a "good person," and to put that into ACTION in this world. His soul may be purified by the Precious Blood, but his body in history now needs to be conformed to that inner truth... and that body has been just as shaken-up by sin as by drug addiction. It doesn't work as easily as one would hope. It WILL "fight the withdrawal." But this suffering is now REDEMPTIVE, because it occurs in the context of REPENTANCE, and as long as he doesn't give up the fight, his battles are now on the right side of the war. In any case, it is only right for a sinner, once forgiven of a grave sin, to actively spend the rest of his OWN life in GREAT GRATITUDE, doing good to others as a reflection of God's goodness to him, and both making and enduring personal sacrifices willingly to HEAL HIS OWN SOUL OF ANY LINGERING TENDENCIES TO SIN... because there are ALWAYS aftershocks. The bombs are still flying, and the receptors are still in our brain. We MUST be humbly aware of this, and vigilant to its danger. Sin does permanent damage in this world, and it lasts until the day we die. But WHEN we die, those temporal wounds all go to the grave with our bodies. The problem is that the spiritual ones don't. Unless Divinity Himself eradicates the eternal guilt that ALL sin incurs– by being a direct offense against the Eternal Holy One, through breaking His Laws of Love and Justice which reflect His very Self, thereby dishonoring and rebelling against Truth, Life, & Reality itself, which God IS, and therefore placing oneself in a state where death is inevitablewe will be doomed to eternity "in prison," as it were; we will be literally, not just judicially, unable to enter God's Presence in Heaven, because if we aren't sorry for our sins and refuse to confess them to God as Judge, He will not "force" pardon upon us. He can't, by the very nature OF pardon. Our contrition is a necessary part. Jesus won't pour out His Blood on us if we don't want it. Jesus won't make us receive His Body if we don't want it. He is a Good Bridegroom, a Merciful God, a Compassionate Savior, and a Patient Judge as well... but time is running out, with every heartbeat, for those who hesitate to respond to His offer of Mercy, or pretend not to hear the call, or outright refuse it. The fact is this = we are ALL injured by sin, and we suffer new wounds every day. Without recourse to the Doctor of Souls, we have no hope. Guilt and punishment are as immediate and inevitable as blood is to a bullet wound, and just as grave. Don't go to the grave with that thing still in you. You're still needed in this fight, after all.]

The metonymical (cause-effect) relation between sin and punishment is clear in the expressions (khetʾ mishpat mavet, “sin deserving death penalty,” Deut 21:22) and (khetʾ mavet, “sin unto death,” Deut 22:26).

[NOTABLY the second example is used negatively, in describing a RAPE VICTIM, by declaring that she has NOT committed ANY sin "unto death" merely by being the unwilling victim of one... she is as innocent of the sexual sin as a murder victim is of murder. That is a VITAL DISCERNMENT and VERY RELEVANT TO US with our terrifying personal history in that regard. We NEED to pray about this, just as much as we need to remember & recognize it as FACT spoken by the Spirit, despite all our self-hating doubts and persisting accusations– which are of the devil, NOT God, because they are obstacles to love, mercy, forgiveness, and restoration! Thriskefoni take notes.]

The point of this verse is that the punishment of sin can sometimes lead to death; therefore, anyone who is being punished by God for his sins, and yet lives, has little to complain about.
[AMEN TO THIS, AND I SAY THAT FROM AWFUL EXPERIENCE. The very fact that this eating disorder alone hasn't killed me is MIRACULOUS, not to mention all the self-abuse and suicide attempts and high-risk living in general. I deserved to die countless times, even just by mere logical consequence, but God did not let it happen. I don't know why He was so merciful, other than that's just Who He Is, but I am truly eternally grateful for it. I am so glad He loved me enough even in my depths of sin to not let me die as a sinner. God refused to lose me to hell, just because I was too blind and stupid and sick to repent, or even to know how to, or that I even needed to. So he punished me in order to wake me up to reality. He shocked me out of numbness by breaking my heart open in pain. He threw me down into the abyss of misery in order to lift me up onto His Holy Mountain with joy. It took years, absolutely, and I'm STILL struggling every day, but now I recognize His Hand in all my chastisements, and as a Father's Hand, never meant to hurt (the sin ITSELF is what harms me!) but only to help me to not sin any more. The healing will come without fail, by grace, once I am out of enemy territory. But "you can't escape a prison you don't know you are in," or worse, that you are comfortable in.  Punishment both exposes and destroys that illusion, and thank God for that. Thank God that He has NOT abandoned us to the death that has tried to swallow us so many times! Sin and the devil are hellbent on murdering us, but God and his angels are heavensent to rescue and redeem us. This is the backdrop of every moment of our Iives, you realize. God does NOT want us to die in sin. Your punishment does not have to be fatal! God doesn't want it to be! But do NOT presume upon that great mercy, but EMBRACE it and COOPERATE with it. Pray for His grace to help you fight, sincerely seek forgiveness for your failures, work humbly towards restitution, and give thanks to God that– if you live according to His Spirit in this way– your earthly sufferings will no longer be "punishments" but penance.
Remember– you are forgiven because Christ has died in your place, to deliver you from the death rightly due for sin. Why would you ever reject such love and mercy? Why would you ever refuse such a gracious gift of salvation? Don't go back to sin's slavery, to satan's prison, now that you have been redeemed from your life-debt, and released from your death sentence!
Sin has no other outcome. Logic and reason themselves will prove this to you. Yes, you will still sustain injuries in this war, but don't refuse to fight! Don't stop fighting once you start! God will uphold you by grace; just ask for it in faith, with your heart open to receive. Do not be afraid. God does not want you to die. Hold on to that with all the strength you have, and do not give up. You are still alive by divine mercy alone– your life right now is, truly, a miracle of love. You have hope in that love, even though sin claimed that both of those were impossible for you. God proved the enemy wrong, for His Name's sake– and for your sake, as His Own beloved child, Who He refuses to abandon. So don't run away. LIVE your life as a grateful testimony to that Love that saved you. Live your life AS the miracle it is. Hold on to that gift of hope, and do not let go!]

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://biblehub.com/deuteronomy/21-22.htm

"If a man has committed a sin worthy of death": This phrase refers to the legal and moral standards set by the Mosaic Law, which prescribed capital punishment for certain offenses. These sins included idolatry, blasphemy, murder, and other serious transgressions (attacking or cursing parents, kidnapping, profaning the Sabbath, violating the "ban" (Joshua 7), if someone is gored by a bull that its owner knew was prone to doing so but did not keep in confinement, sorcery/wizardry, necromancy, mediumship, false prophecy, bestiality, child sacrifice, adultery, incest, homosexual behavior, premarital sex, rape, etc.).
The phrase underscores the gravity of sin in the eyes of God and the community, reflecting the holiness and justice of God. It also highlights the importance of maintaining purity and order within the Israelite society.

[HOLINESS DEMANDS PURITY and there are NO EXCEPTIONS to moral righteousness! The "sins unto death" ALWAYS bring death by their very nature, if only spiritually outside of Israel– but God intends for the TRUTH of spiritual things to be MADE MANIFEST in Israel THROUGH the revelation of God's Law, with Israel called to be HOLY as belonging TO the Holy God! So, in such extremely unique and divinely grounded conditions, Israel's grave sins received NO "MERCY", for they had been SPECIFICALLY & PUBLICALLY FORBIDDEN IN A COVENANTAL CONTEXT, AND THEIR PENALTY FREELY & SOLEMNLY AGREED TO ON OATH. They, by sinning anyway, were literally signing their own death warrant, an action which could NOT be "revoked" within such a stringent structure of justice. God HAD to be so cut-and-dry with Israel because they were COMPLETELY IMMATURE MORALLY and NEEDED such extreme means of "education" and punishment in order to ACTUALLY LEARN THAT SIN WAS DEADLY SERIOUS in a spiritual sense!!]

Execution was the ultimate penalty for the most severe crimes, serving as a deterrent and a means of purging evil from among the people.

("But put to death any interpreters of dreams or prophets that tell you to rebel against the LORD, Who rescued you from Egypt, where you were slaves. Such people are evil and are trying to lead you away from the life that the LORD has commanded you to live. They must be put to death, in order to rid yourselves of this evil.").
[Again, in their morally weak & uneducated community, NOT executing such a sinner would be SCANDALOUS, as they would take it as "leeway" or a "subtle wink" at such a ghastly sin as blasphemy and outright rebellion. That person's soul would die if they had done this with full knowledge and consent; the physical execution was therefore only a visible manifestation of their chosen doom, meant to WARN OTHERS NOT TO FOLLOW SUIT, and to drive home the truth of GOD'S UNFLINCHING JUDGMENT AGAINST SUCH SINS. To "let that guy live" in the vague, cowardly "hope" that he will "maybe learn" was entirely unrealistic and outright dangerous to the community. The false prophet was a malignant cancer to Israel. If he wasn't removed swiftly– and with intended publicity– he would doom countless others to spiritual death through rebellion. God's public judgment against such a one was an ACT OF MERCY TO EVERYONE ELSE, by preventing this pandemic effect, as well as any risk of moral laxity/ relativism/ etc. that could arise from NOT "purging the evil".] 


James 2:10 speaks to the seriousness of breaking God’s law: "For whoever keeps the whole law, but falls short in one particular, has become guilty in respect to all of it... Now whoever has observed the whole law, yet who offends in one matter, has become guilty of all... If you obey every law except one, you are still guilty of breaking them all."

[This is NOT hyperbole because ALL of God's Law is the outflow of a SINGLE PRINCIPLE = LOVE. Love of God and Love of Neighbor are intertwined and leave no room for unlove. By failing to love in one single point of the law, you effectively DO violate ALL other laws of love, by proving that your love is insincere, since you are "making exceptions" to it.]

prismaticbleed: (sorrow)

oh my lord in heaven you have no idea what just happened

listen. after praying for YEARS, after stupidly forgetting so much and feeding ourselves equal amounts of hyperreligious falsehoods, after countless nights of weeping and regrets and hopes and fears and... just, listen, literally days after we FINALLY get the guts (heart, brain, liver, kidneys, take your biblical pick, they all fit) to start re-reading and uploading the journal entries from 2017-2018 that haven't been touched or seen since then... 

...well. 
tonight, we found a message in our inbox.

and suddenly, wouldn't you know it,
the world tilted sideways again.


I don't know how to... no. We don't know how to process this, or manage it wisely, yet.
I will be completely up-front and honest with you about it right now.
Our knee-jerk, heartsick, sobbing immediate response is to do what we always do-- act like seven years have not passed, act like we didn't do all the idiotic evil things we did, act like nothing has changed and nothing we forgot happened to begin with, act like we're still your beloveds and you are still ours, because honestly to the deepest part of our psyche that's still true. it's WHY we "never say goodbye" to people, as awful as the repercussions of that have historically proved to be for other people, tragically and totally against our intentions. we never "cut things off" or "end" anything because, to our mentally ill lovesick self, nothing ever ends, adrian, nothing ever really ends--

and so here we are, reeling, with no idea what to do except laugh and cry from fear and love all at once.

We... we've been so, so cruel to them. There are some entries in these archives that speak so poorly of them, totally unfairly. I wish I could erase them all. But... that would be dishonest too, wouldn't it? And I'm so tired of lying. It's better to just admit that yeah, we do still have tar and plague sticking to our ribs, and it comes out in very ugly words when there's no light or fire or water to keep it away. 
But... it's not true. So much of it is just self-blinded pride throwing its choking guilt at someone else. So much of it is just religious arrogance flinging swords at everything that looks vaguely like a devil. We're so sick of that, too.  
The "fanatifoni" are the same ones trying to annihilate OUR life, too-- the ones burning all our memories, throwing out all our possessions, refusing to let us do anything "secular", the ones forcing us into a "perfect meek Christian tradwife girl that does everything mommy says" mold that is KILLING US.
that's a topic for another night though. geez. 
as for tonight... all I want to say is, i've been so blind and confused and twisted and deluded and afraid and programmed and lost and heartbroken and crushed and so, so, so sorry-- I haven't been able to see straight in years.
How could I, when this post-CNC life of ours so quickly degenerated into a loveless machination, swallowed up by eating disorders and religious rituals, suffocating in the vicegrip of family obligations, bled dry of all color?

I miss you. We miss you. But I miss you, whoever "I" is, all the time, for years,
We think of you daily, probably. I don't know why I can't "let go" but honestly the thought of "letting go" of anyone I've loved makes me sick. And I still love you, as I said, and even if that truly makes me the "ex from hell" it's the truth and I need to be honest. 
We... we never really told you that, when we were with you, did we? We never had the nerve to write poetry about you. We never got to know you well enough to do so and we regret that to this day. All we have to hang on to are tiny little resonances and associations, the tiny flickers of memory that were small enough to slip through the cracks in the prison walls we put up around our past. Simple precious pieces of life, like blue raspberries and kudzu and clove cigarettes, like glitter bath bombs and marching bands and spicy tuna. we have so, so few memories accessible, and that breaks our heart. god i wish we could remember. i want to remember what it was like to watch kris move, to hear kyo speak, to feel the toy soldier there in silence. and yet, subconsciously, don't we? wouldn't we recognize you if we saw you again? trolley and vernon and ohmiette and ruby and tori and owen and oskar and thirteen and brokeback and shivers and omen, and so many more whose names we cannot remember and so many more we never met, but we miss you all, we knew you all in some way, didn't we?

it's not something we can ever get back. we lost it justly. "the hand of god," as our thriskefoni declared recently. "you were killing each other."
and i hate that statement. listen if anyone was dealing out death-damage it was us. even without memory access i KNOW we were a glutton and a thief and a two-faced coward, an addict and a leech and a slut. 
...and yet, isn't that just us beating ourselves up as we've been doing since we left their driveway that night?
how awful that was. the car ride, the family, the instant "reset" feeling like "nothing had happened" that consumed our entire brain and wiped out everything good we had gained in that dear little apartment. 
to this day, the family and that house is our biggest stress, our biggest fear, our biggest trauma-sink. is that why we were throwing so many darts at you, at "CNC", because our "good obedient daughter" mindset was "not allowed" to point any in mommy's direction "or else"?

what am i even trying to say.
i miss your art. you were amazing. i am sure you still are, even moreso. we never told you how proud we were of you, how much we admired you, how your life in and of itself just filled us with joy. we treasured your existence, simply so. we didn't show it well at all. we were too selfish, too myopic, too brutal, too shallow, too frenetic, too stupid, too cold...

i want to remember things and i want to accept them as they are. i want BOTH me and infinitii to heal.
and oh good lord isn't THAT a miracle too-- not even two months after that trip to the national basilica that truly "woke hir up" in some quiet way, that made hir accessible even in that interim-space between death and life, and since then ze has a bubble again, somewhere... but, now that hope is real again, that ze could be with me again, somehow... 
...

...nothing is going to heal if i don't figure out who the heck I am. and i cannot do that if i keep trying to force myself into the mold my birth family won't stop shoving over my head. 
gender and sexuality are still "forbidden topics." i'm "not allowed" to be anything other than what i'm "told to be." no wonder my veins are as dry as an old riverbed. i won't let myself love because it's "not allowed." it makes me so sick.

this damned eating disorder is still destroying me too, literally, and i HATE IT because THAT is what drove an iron wedge between us; THAT is the vice that burnt everything else to ashes, THAT is the thing that annihilated every good thing i tried to protect and cherish, and it's STILL killing me. my body is literally failing even though we've been FIGHTING LIKE HELL for six solid months now which is the LONGEST we've EVER gone without prolonged relapse, but we still can't figure out how to take care of our own stupid body and the poor thing is failing. 
what am i even trying to say.
i'm so sorry we were such a wretch. you deserved so much better. you deserved all of our good and none of our bad, even if we didn't have much good to offer. we still wanted to give you the world. we still tried.

we... hm. we have regrets and we don't. that's the scary part. that's why infi died. that's why i cannot seem to form a sense of self.
our motives were never as evil as we viciously accuse ourselves of, and that's what is so scary to admit. 
how do we come to terms with the fact that we still did things that our moral code says are objectively wrong and yet we loved you and only did those things because we loved you? i'm sick of the thriskefoni just labeling it all indiscriminately as "adultery" in one sense or another-- as a "lie," as a "seduction," as something equally abominable and worthy of being forgotten and denied and run away from. 
no. i'm tired of listening to you. i'm tired of leaving other people in the dirt because "they're occasions of sin." you pharisees. leave me alone.
i want to find a truer way of seeing all this. something honest, something that can feel, something merciful and still capable of love. 
that's what infinitii was really all about, from the beginning. that's why everyone was afraid of hir, and yet adored hir. zhe was the literal incarnation of our greatest vice and greatest virtue. how terrible. but that's typical of angels.

i want to cry but this stupid brain won't let me
i'm so happy but i'm so afraid of ruining this again, like i always do
i know i'm mentally sick, and i come on too fast and too hard, and i whiplash back into ice just as suddenly, for no good reason. maybe that bpd diagnosis is legit, as awful as that would be. i hate it. i hate this. it's not me. 
i know seven years have passed. i know we can never have what we had again, even if we tried. it wouldn't be possible, for multitudes of reasons. and yet i never ever ever want to deny or decry it ever again. that was so wrong of me. who am i really?
i'm a mess. it never would have worked out, for that reason alone. we ran into everything headfirst and although our intentions were good, although we did love you with our whole heart we weren't capable of being a good partner. we had too much unhealed trauma, too much family programming, too much psychological disease, too many open wounds. we were a wreck and you deserved better.
but... 
"you are part of our story... certainly not one we regret."
and you know what? we feel the same way. 
i don't regret it at all. even the parts that "killed us" in the past. even the "gravestones." somehow, miraculously, with all the praying and healing and hoping and hard work we've been doing, and now that we're actually reading what happened back then... god it hurts, it hurts so much, to realize that THAT is what we lost and shattered and ABANDONED because the family TOLD us to... 
...THAT'S our real regret, to be honest. getting into that damned car and immediately going back into "appeasement mode" and just leaving our identity on the steps with you. there are like four solid years missing from our memory after that point. it makes me want to throw up.
but we don't regret it, when it really gets down to the bone and blood. even when part of us is indeed "horrified" at what it is reading in these entries from seven year ago, another part of us is weeping that we lost touch with it. 
deep down, if God Himself asked us, we don't regret it. and why? 
because it was all love. and i see it now. 

so... yes. i want to heal. i want to help you heal, too. 
i'm sick of being broken. i want to figure out who the heck i actually am. i want to love again. that's not your job, i have no expectations or demands of you either, not like our mother, god we really do have too many family issues to think straight, don't we? no wonder we can't get anywhere in therapy. but that's not anyone's problem but ours. i don't want to think about family terror at all right now. it's the guillotine over my head every bloody day right now and it's sucking the will to live right out of me but this, this message in my inbox has rekindled a spark that i didn't realize was still smoldering. there's a possibility OF remembering love and hope and joy here, even just in the remembering. i want it back. god i want it back, the few glimpses i've seen so far of the goodness we had, in the beginning at least, when everything was so new and bright and beautiful that the trauma hadn't caught up to our heels yet... i want that back, now, in whatever way we can. 
i miss the blood lotus cathedral, too. i miss us. i miss BEING "us." god it destroys my soul, to realize that this family-focused life has been keeping me from living.  
there's so much intrasystem healing we have to do on our own. the self-inflicted damage outweighs everything else. 
honestly when i'm honest, i don't think you guys actually did ANY damage to us. everything that "hurt" about our recall of CNC was because of something WE did. not you. maybe our lives couldn't "fit together" the way we desperately hoped they could, but god knows we tried, and we don't regret it, and some days i really do wish i could have been okay with just... living life that way, just to be with you all again.
but... we have to be honest. we can't. there were indeed too many self-annihilatory things we did or agreed to or made ourselves do, never out of malice, but out of sheer stupid blinded love that never learned how to say "no" because it just wants to be whatever you want. that's our biggest problem, with you and with q and mel and with the family and everyone else ever. god included. 
but we still loved you. we still love you. all of you. we always will, i can say right now. that's just how we work. that's a guarantee.

i'm making a fool of myself, i think. 
no surprise there.

i scare people away like this, i'm sure. crazy ex. religious fanatic. sick in the head. too much to handle. etc.
i just want to cry. i love people so much and i hate myself so much and that's the ultimate childhood root of everything and i don't know how to live. i have so much love in my heart and it just gets choked to death by all the pain and rage and fear and sorrow and guilt and shame. i'm tired of feeling utterly empty when i know there's something, somewhere-- 

infinitii is in worse shape than i am right now because i am still too shattered and undefined to feel anything directly
i don't know how to describe what ze is feeling or expressing and i don't think ze does either. this is all too new, too earthshaking, too heart-deep and covered in blood like rubies. we haven't bled in too long, everything's been frozen. 
too many wires are still crossed. 
it's been too long since we've done anything but talk about religion, running away from our soul in the process, how ironic. even our scripture study keeps constantly telling us, "it's about relationship, not data hoarding," and yet our stupid idiotic traumabrain won't even let us have a relationship with God Himself because it's a relationship.
where in hell did this even come from.
where does the trauma even come from to begin with.
you didn't deserve to get caught in those crosshairs either. please realize that it was never your doing, never your fault. with you, we actually had hope of HEALING. we had real hope of getting over this terror. 
then we moved out and back in with the family and it all got worse

you realize we NEVER intended to "ghost" you
we basically went into a sort of "fugue" for lack of a better term
the parts of us that existed with you could not exist around the family, and vice versa
it's a civil war that STILL rages to this very day and it is killing us now too
but. the point is. it was never our heart's intention to hurt you, once we realized-- wasn't it years later?-- that we did.
same with the tumblr stupidity. what an ass we were. passive aggressive idiocy. we never had the guts to communicate properly. i am so sorry. 

i am so afraid we will do something stupid like that again now and lose you forever
after years of practically begging god for one last chance to make things right
to somehow bandage some of the many wounds we inflicted
to genuinely, wholeheartedly, finally say we were sorry, to apologize so fervently we could weep until the end of the world
to heal, however that looks, as long as it happens, that's all we want,
there's too much love, both then and now, to leave such a thing undone
it would be almost sacrilegious to leave it untended to
it was sacrilegious for us to act like our love hadn't been real just because we were terrified of admitting it is.
present tense.


i'm still reeling
i'm listening to infinitii's spotify playlist for the first time in years i think
i want to get better and i want to be a real person again
i... i want to heal, too
however that looks and feels and happens
i just want love to have the last word.


tomorrow we have to face the family and the eating disorder again, all at once
i'm so tired and i don't know how to get better from that

but at least this is something real and true in spite of it, a light shining in hope regardless, a reminder that "you exist and you existed and there is love in you and it has not died" even if it is being buried alive beneath the weight of daily stress and has been for far too long
the spark is shining now, and it scares me to realize that we too can have a fire in our ribs again, but i want that, i miss that, why are we so damn afraid? of what? of feeling love instead of nothing? 

i would rather shatter into a billion bloody rainbow shards than live another moment so cold and bleached-out dry as hell itself. 

no wonder we sacrificed everything to move out there back in 2017. we had hope. we had light. we had love. it was worth leaving everything else behind for. even if it didn't work out, even if we weren't the kind of person capable of working it out, even if we were too broken and damaged and toxic to make anything work... it was still worth it. it was still beautiful. it was still real. it was still love.
we don't regret a moment of our time with you. 
we only regret how much pain we caused us both. 

but it is what it is. we cannot erase the past. all we can do is confess those sins of ours with brutal (but merciful) honesty and finally make restitution however we can. 

thank you, thank you, for giving us another chance, which we do not deserve whatsoever, and yet which we have wanted more than i can even articulate. thank you for not hating our awful guts, although you have every right to, and we do not blame you if you did in the past. 
thank you for sending us love.


god i hope i can cry tonight
maybe when i'm with chaos 0 i'll be able to
i hope so
i want us to be healed, too, inside, all of us
i want this damned civil war to end
i want the graves to be exhumed and all the poor souls buried alive to be carried up in our open arms to see the starry skies again
i want to love again,
i want to BE love again,

how fitting, how strange and perfect and terrible, that the last time i really was "me" was when i was with you.
i hope i can get some of that back now at least

there's still so much to read and remember. we really haven't read much at all yet. 95% of what we've uploaded we haven't looked at.
we've lost so much
we're still running away from our past and our shadows in blind frantic fear, drowning everything in religion
how ironic, that apparently God Himself is the One that plunged this arrow into our heart and brought us to our knees
take that, thriskefoni


i'm so tired. i'm so ashamed. i'm so confused. i'm so scared. i'm so hopeful. i'm so...
there's still so much self-hatred
but deep down, somewhere, i'm still so in love.
i know i am. even if i won't let myself feel it for anyone or anything lately. i don't know why. maybe just survival instinct.

nevertheless, 
merry early christmas i suppose haha
we didn't think we'd survive this long
and yet, isn't this always the resurrection month for us? 
isn't this the exact season for things to come back to life, for flowers to bloom from the snow itself?


i need to cling to this light like a lifeline
i want to live again, i want to feel again, i want to exist again,
this little message has given me the will to live again, to get better, to be a better person when i wasn't able to before,
to be honest and true and honorable and real, to choose integrity and truth and tenderness and...
and love, 

i want to be a real person again
i want to heal
i want to love
i want to sing with the choir--



i still don't know how to process this
i still don't know how to respond
i still don't know how i'm feeling

but i do know one thing,
and that is that i love you still,
and i want to heal with you,
and i am sorry,
and i am so grateful,
and that is more than one thing and yet it's not--

i'm so tired
but my heart is smiling tonight
and it's 11:11
and i remember, just a little,
what joy feels like.











120725

Dec. 7th, 2025 08:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)


FINALLY A FREE DAY

Dream with the System and DAENGELS!!!
Little girl stealing my phone
Wreckage & Laurie
Lynne & Julie & Leon
INFINITII, LETHE, & MEDALLION


Father Jackson's homily had me WEEPING IN CHURCH

EUCHARIST DROP.
Agonizing to see Him there. Was about to run over and eat Him but a man pointed Him out to the Priest.
Was I wrong to wait?

Christmas tree decorating problem = mom's old poinsettia decorations have this HORRID odor to them from storage.
Ah well, now I get to buy my OWN ornaments!

Accidentally FROZE the hemp hearts, haha. Maybe they will taste even better, we shall see.

23 HOUR FAST ONCE AGAIN

Stupidly tried to eat an apple after dinner
Threw it up as usual, total panic. Fruit both hurts physically and terrifies me mentally.
Ashamed, crushed, angry, grieving, despondent
At least God was merciful. I was able to eat a bag of broccoli to replace half of what i lost.
still. miserable.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:9 Heb “He has made my paths crooked.” The implication is that the paths by which one might escape cannot be traversed.
[The vast majority of "crooked"="avah"'s uses refer to perversity and iniquity, something "distorted"– or even "convulsed" as in intense pain. The word "paths"="nathiyb" implies a well-worn road, one walked frequently, comfortably, and without variance. Together, in the suggested context of the author's seeking escape from suffering, this verse suggests to me that all his old coping methods have been, due to this judgment on his sin, rendered utterly ineffective. His "nathiyb"s, however familiar and successful they were in the past, roads down which he ran to flee the voice of his conscience, were now "made" crooked by God through the power of conviction via punishment. In his agony, the author could no longer find consolation in his old methods, because the pain and shame he was now feeling was so intense and gut-deep that it proved, by its abstemious influence, just how "crooked" his paths HAD been all along. "God" therefore did this, because without His intervention, those paths would have "stayed straight"... at least, to feet used to stumbling about in iniquity, to whom a crooked walk was normal, those paths would have been smooth. God simply upended that perverse perspective with the Truth, by forcing him to sober up and face reality. He could now hear his conscience crying out loud and clear, unmuffled by anodynic attempts, as inescapable as the siege itself.] 

3:11 Or “he made my paths deviate.”

[See previous. Ironically, the deviation is now from the author's own will and hopes. The word used, "sur," means not only "turning," but also "departing" or "removing." God is making him turn back to his LORD, by removing his willful paths, and forcing him to depart from his old ways. By imposing a different direction upon the author's life, by the devastation he is now enduring, God is compelling him to "deviate from deviation," essentially– to "return" to God's path, the path of Truth, and abandon his own crooked one.]


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%203&version=NET

3:13 Heb “sons of his quiver.” This idiom refers to arrows. The term “son” (ben) is often used idiomatically with a following genitive, e.g., “son of flame” = sparks, “son of a constellation” = stars, “son of a bow” = arrows, “son of a quiver” = arrows, and “son of threshing-floor” = corn.
[This is such a beautiful idiom. ...I also wonder, unsurprisingly, if it has any relevance to the System.]

3:13-14 The Hiphil stem of (boʾ, lit., “cause to come in”) here means “to shoot” arrows... "He made the arrows of His quiver enter my inward parts".

Heb “[into] my kidneys.” In Hebrew anthropology, the kidneys are often portrayed as the most sensitive and vital part of man. Poetic texts sometimes portray a person being fatally wounded by the Lord shooting arrows in his kidneys. The equivalent English idiomatic counterpart is the heart, which is employed in the present translation: "He shot his arrows deep into my heart."

[...this verse ruins me. pun intended.]

"God took careful aim and shot His arrows straight through my heart."
"He pierced my heart with His arrows."
"He drove into my heart the arrows of his quiver."
"Behold, He has caused His arrows to enter into my heart."
"He brought the sons of His quiver into my heart."

[...there's a gutpunch of significant nuance in the evolving action verbs here. God "shoots", "pierces," and "drives into"– violent, agonizing terms, words of war and slaughter– but He also, simultaneously even, "causes to enter" and "brings into," language that transforms those exact same arrows from weapons to welcome guests, directed and accompanied by God Himself. And yet, they are still being fatally plunged into my most vital organs. This is the awful paradox of love and terror, the beloved anguish of an intimate wound, even when dealt out decisively for devastation. I don't know how to deal with it. God shot his Arrows into my heart as a killing blow, as an act of irreversible judgment against my spiritual prostitution, with every divine intent of annihilating that life as a result, and yet... and yet I still loved them. I still love them. Our relationship was doomed because of our sinful lifestyles and yet I still loved them. I brought down calamitous curses upon our little household because of my uncontrolled vices and yet I still loved them. I was just as much a weapon of God against them as they were to me, both of us dealing incurable damage to each other by God's wrathful Hand without ever intending to do so ourselves, and yet... and yet I still loved them, even when I hated them, even when I ran away from them to submit to the birth family, even when I shut off my emotions and forgot about them for over a year. Even when God uprooted our relationship and walled off all the roads to return, even when He "made all my paths crooked" as I tried to find you again, even when I'm still bleeding out from my internal organs and am punished by never being able to help you heal from what you suffered at my hands... even now, even now, in agony and regret and rage and fear and unbearable grief, even though now I know our relationship was killing me, I still love you. God shot His Arrows into my heart, and no matter what I do, I cannot get them out... and I don't think I want to.]


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https://biblehub.com/hebrew/4844.htm
maror: Bitter herb

• Discipleship: Teaching on maror encourages believers to accept that sanctification often includes seasons of hardship, yet those seasons are framed by God’s covenant faithfulness.

[No hardship will ever occur outside of that framework, or as anything but a mere "season"; God's Covenant Faithfulness is actually the constant context of every chastisement or even curse we must endure, for they are all meant specifically and solely to cure & correct us so we CAN be sanctified. His final end, and unwavering intent, is for bitterness to bloom into blessedness. The "herbs" that taste so sharp to us are medicinal in effect. Trust your Fatherly Physician. There will be sweetness again, once your illness abates.]

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3:17 The connotation is that there is no peace within; the speaker is too troubled for any calm to take hold.

My soul is bereft of peace;
My soul has been deprived of peace;
My soul has been excluded from peace;
My soul has been rejected from peace;
My soul has been cast far away from peace;
My soul has been kept from enjoying peace.

I cannot find peace;
Peace has been stripped away;
He hath put my soule out of rest;
God has removed peace from my life.

My soul has gone astray from peace;
My soul has been led astray from peace and I have forgotten good... I have forgotten what is good... I forget all good things.

I have forgotten prosperity;
I have forgotten happiness;
I cannot remember happiness;
I have forgotten what happiness is."


[this verse is literally my life. it crushes me to weeping]

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3:19 The basic meaning of (zakhar) is “to remember, call to mind”. Although it is often used in reference to recollection of past events, it can also describe consideration of present situations: “to consider, think about” something present.

[BOTH are simultaneously applicable to the Eucharist— "do this in remembrance of Me!" + "Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age!"]
[...this also has PROFOUND RELEVANCE & SIGNIFICANCE for us, in terms of REMEMBERING OURSELVES, both as persons and in time. The massive memory loss & distortion we have suffered over the years is literally preventing us from existing in the present. But "zakhar" suggests that, as we review the archives and truly "recollect" ourself by recollecting our past, we will finally "be here now," once again. To remember is to be. How odd, and how beautiful.]


 

112525

Dec. 1st, 2025 11:19 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)



Blood sugar FALLING INTO THE 60s ALL MORNING???

Grocery Shopping rush
"Last second God"

Teasing Xander about Christmas decor
"You can be a happy deer too"
Turned into a rather deep talk about the Incarnation
Honestly I really need to talk to him more. He has been surprisingly dedicated to his redemption since last December, when, while folding laundry that one morning, I was suddenly & inexplicably slammed by an onslaught of vivid heartspace scenes chronicling the very inception of that conversion in him. But he's always so genuine about it. Like... when it first hit, it stuck, and deeply so. There hasn't been any wavering on his part, and I admire that immensely. But he's still so new to "being good" regardless; he still has so much to learn and be enriched by, and he wants to know and do more. I think that's a solemn responsibility on my shoulders, especially if I'm actually in the Jewel bloodline? Jewels are responsible for the whole Outspacer transition process, really, as Jewels are the direct & living Links from outside worlds to hers/ours. I wonder if the "string theory" is still legit? I'll have to look into that. But in any case, concerning the "moving in" process, if a Jewel doesn't spearhead that effort, it will fail. Jewels are anchors, and without them personally and particularly helping an Outspacer in whatever way they personally need, they won't be able to hold on to anything else. That sounds very dramatic, but it's true. And, for Xander, a huge part of his immigration, as it were, is that religious education aspect, because that's the core of where he comes from, AND where he's growing into. 
So yeah, if anything's gonna make this deer a happy deer, it's that. 'Tis the season after all!


Window exhaust disaster = we left it open while we were out and, just our luck, they decided to run a LEAFBLOWER under our window and it got that awful smell all through our apartment.
Our immediate reaction was "welp, gotta deal," and we just opened the door and turned on our mini air filter & set up the tower fans and that was it. No panic, no freaking out, even when we realized that the window had also let in a TON of leaf litter all over our table, chair, and blankets. Nope, we just grabbed soap and towels and cleaned everything up. "Calm cleaning in a crisis". Honestly it surprises me, looking back-- it shows that our "natural response," outside of family contexts, is NOT to unravel but to face the situation squarely and get things done. So that's very reassuring, actually, as to the kind of person we hopefully actually are, because we want to be such a person: sober & reliable to help restore peace & order when things get tough.


Mimic FRONTING briefly to simply cut carrots
I miss him SO MUCH, dude where have you been?
In any case, it was just... so sweet, for him to literally just show up to do a mundane domestic task, and to do so with genuine contentment. Like his "presence" in memory is quietly, simply at peace, if only a touch sad, but notably marked as because he had never been trusted OR safe enough TO do anything as preciously small like this before. I have NEVER felt anything like that in or from him until today.
...I think he still has that deep fear of being unwanted and unseen though. So I have a duty, as someone who genuinely loves him, to make sure he knows that he IS wanted and seen and treasured and valued in our life. That has to be demonstrated tangibly. Words won't prove it at all, not on their own. He needs to be actively invited in and involved in our life, just as he is, with no agenda or assigned roles. He just needs the open embracing space to simply be with us. God knows that's what I value most, too, when it comes down to it... the best moments of my days now are just when I'm existing with Chaos or Laurie or Genesis. We're not "trying" to accomplish anything. Maybe all I'm doing is sitting with them in silence, just being in each others' presence, just cherishing that closeness, that reality. That's what sticks with me the most. Mimic deserves to have that, too.


BENADRYL ALLERGY?????
It's actually making our throat and nose close up??? That's the OPPOSITE of what you're supposed to do bro


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%201&version=NET

Picking up where we left off last night =

"An enemy grabbed all her treasures" = Heb “all her desirable things.” The noun (makhmad, “desirable thing”) refers to valuable possessions, such as gold and silver, that people desire. This probably refers, not to the valuable possessions of Jerusalem in general, but to the sacred objects in the Temple in particular, as suggested by the rest of the verse.
For the anthropomorphic image compare Song 5:16.
("His mouth is most sweet. He is absolutely desirable. This is my love, and this is my friend, young women of Jerusalem.")

[DETOURING TO THIS VERSE BECAUSE WOW WHAT????]

https://biblehub.com/songs/5-16.htm
"His mouth is sweet in every way. His mouth is full of sweetness... His mouth is sweetness itself... His mouth IS sweetness."
"His kisses are sweet... His mouth is sweet to kiss... His mouth is like sweet honeycombs."

("Mouth" is also translated as "throat," "palate," and "SPEECH.")

https://biblehub.com/hebrew/2441.htm

chek: mouth, taste, lips; (properly) the palate or inside of the mouth, (hence) the mouth itself (as the organ of speech, taste and kissing)
Chek most commonly denotes the palate or roof of the mouth, yet Scripture extends the term to cover the inner surfaces of the mouth, the organ of taste, and, by metonymy, speech itself. In each setting the word touches on sensory discernmentwhat is ingested, savored, rejected, or uttered.

[I really need to meditate on those four terms in the sense of discernment, especially in the direct and awful light of the eating disorder.]

Discernment of Speech and Truth: Job repeatedly employs chek to portray the testing of words: “Does not the ear test words as the palate tastes food?” ...Here the mouth’s ability to distinguish flavors pictures the believer’s responsibility to weigh counsel, doctrine, and circumstance with spiritual discrimination.
Ministry application: teachers and hearers alike must cultivate a refined [spiritual] “palate” that quickly detects error and delights in sound doctrine.

[This means we have to DISCERN PROPER SPIRITUAL "TASTE." In truth, error should taste bitter & sour to us, whereas Truth should taste sweet & smooth. The "problem" is when sin "sugarcoats" itself, and when goodness has a bite to it. In such cases, we NEED to be "spiritual supertasters" able to pick out the most subtle "tells" of the underlying substance– the sweetness of wholesome fruit is inherently different from that of processed pastry, and the sweetness of antifreeze is another thing entirely. And yet, to an immature soul-palate that has no proper knowledge or depth of wisdom, they all just taste "sweet." WE MUST BE ABLE TO KEENLY DIFFERENTIATE, without poisoning ourselves in the process, and the only way to do that is to know VERY WELL what GOODNESS "tastes like," to the point where the "artificial", "rotten", "unripe", "inedible", and "toxic" flavors of untruth, of sin & error, are glaringly apparent in contrast. The second essential warning = notice I initially used the word "should." Sin has already perverted our palate. Some of us actually enjoy the "taste" of the spiritual equivalent of chemically jacked-up, plastic-wrapped, mass-produced dessert cakes or snack chips. Maybe we've become addicted to the sugar, to the fat, to the additives, and "weaning off" is excruciating. That, or we've lived so long on "rotten, spoiled, moldy" spiritual food that THOSE tastes are our "normal." Perhaps, whenever someone promised to feed us with "fruit", it was full of worms. Perhaps we've only been eating "unripe" fruit, bitter and hard. And ultimately, maybe we're so spiritually poor due to sin that such "foods" are "all we can afford," not realizing that God's grace is of infinite worth and HE will feed us with the "finest wheat" and "honey from the rock" IF we only GO TO HIM ALONE for sustenance. The point is, there are MANY potential obstacles & complications to "cultivating our palate" morally. The good news is, we have the Good News. There is no other way to "refine" our palate without reWIRING it by eating well, without being re-oriented to and deeply familiarized with healthy and wholesome foods, without practicing mindful eating and attentive sensory observation. And, above all, we need to have a TRUSTWORTHY, BENEVOLENT, RELIABLE SOURCE OF NOURISHMENT, Who will ENSURE that ALL our food IS good and healthsome and clean and delightful. And, we must LEARN FROM HIM. We need to GAIN the VOCABULARY TO DISCERN & DESCRIBE what it is we're tasting. We CANNOT do this alone! The refinement of the soul-palate is a SKILL, an ART FORM as much as a key survival tool. Hence the word "cultivate." It takes great time, effort, dedication, study, attention, care, and sacrifice. But it is absolutely worth it, because this is a literally life-saving ability. We MUST learn to taste well, and to taste accurately, just as much as we NEED to LEARN the proper tastes THROUGH EATING "GOOD FRUIT", thereby learning by experience to recognize and savor those virtuous flavors. Then, at last, we will be ABLE to, and NEED to, REFUSE to swallow ANYTHING that doesn't have the mellifluous taste of God's Truth in it.]

Sweetness of God’s Word: Psalm 119:103 elevates the term: “How sweet are Your Words to my taste— sweeter than honey in my mouth!” The psalmist’s comparison presents Scripture as nourishment surpassing the choicest delicacies.
Proverbs likewise invites the believer to receive wisdom with delight: “My son, eat honey [wisdom], for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to your palate” (Proverbs 24:13).

[I LOVE the imagery of EATING Wisdom, like Jeremiah and the scroll. Note that it is RECEIVED, like "finding" the comb in the wild– we do not control or produce this sweetness. It is purely natural, powerful, unique among flavors. It cannot be abused or it WILL punish us (see Proverbs 25:16 & 25:27). Honey must be SOUGHT by a soul unafraid to go into the wilderness for it. Although we are aware of its most usual possible places, it always appears to us unexpectedly, always new by its nature. Once revealed, we must eat it then or lose it– a traveler has no means to remove or transport it without mess or harm (bees!). Wisdom gives herself when & where she wills, to those with good palates who therefore desire and seek her sweetness, and we must EAT what she gives as it is given– we must receive it with grateful hearts, hungry and joyful, humble lovers of good. And remember, don't be greedy. Don't be gluttonous. That betrays a corrupt palate, unable to treasure taste as God intended: for the sake of indicating a proper source of nourishment. Wisdom will not stay in a stuffed stomach, just as a luxurious palate will not appreciate her even as it gorges on honey. They do not delight, they only devour, and that with lust. They do not seek nourishment, only entertainment. THAT is the picture of a soul that despises Scripture. A soul with a diet of secular junk-words will never be wise or happy or satisfied. But even they are not hopeless– their insatiable craving for pleasant flavors– never satiated despite their excessive consumption and chasing of novelty– is but a tragic sin-perversion of an innate and good appetite: the desire and recognition and need of GOD as the TRUE, DEFINITIVE, ULTIMATE sweetness and nourishment, the SOURCE of all goodness and all righteous pleasures in the universe. Deep down, we ALL are truly and really hungering for Him... and therefore, we ALL have the capacity to perceive and identify that holy flavor, even if we have so far only sought it in echoes or derivatives. But this means that, when those spiritually disordered eaters DO get a taste of His Truth, their very soul REALIZES it as something true, even unconsciously, and in time they CAN be gently but persistently redirected & healed through continued exposure to Scripture TO desire God AS God and above all else. THAT'S the powerful sweetness of the Good News of Christ, the True and Perfect Bread!]

Preachers and disciplers may draw from these images when exhorting believers to daily intake of the Word, not from duty alone but from [holy] desire awakened by its sweetness.

[TAKE NOTE OF THAT. IT IS NOT A SIN TO DESIRE THE SWEETNESS OF GOD JUST BECAUSE IT IS SWEET, AND BECAUSE IT IS DESIRE.]

Warnings against Deceptive Flattery: The seductive voice of folly is described with the same organ. “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil” (Proverbs 5:3). What tastes pleasant at first proves deadly.
[HENCE THE NECESSITY OF A REFINED SPIRITUAL PALATE. We need to be able to discern the poison concealed beneath all that sugar & fat. How so? Honeycomb tastes different than bottled stuff. No adulteress has access to the real thing. Her lips may indeed be "sweet," but to a palate that knows God through familiarity and focus, that alien "sweetness" will EVIDENTLY register as untrue and utterly distasteful. The instant such a Scripture-cultivated soul gets the slightest "taste" of her words, they will know it is a fallacy– all corn syrup and canola, an artificial facsimile of God's actual goods– and you must REFUSE to ingest ANY of it. TURN AROUND AND RUN.]
Proverbs 8:7, in contrast, assigns righteous speech to Lady Wisdom: “For my mouth speaks Truth, and wickedness is detestable to my lips.”
The palate motif underscores that every believer’s speech feeds others; it WILL either nourish or poison.


Scenes of Intimacy and Delight: Song of Songs develops cheq in poetic celebration of marital love:
• “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved… his fruit is sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3).
• “His mouth is most sweet; he is altogether lovely” (Song of Songs 5:16).
• “And your mouth like the best wine. May it go down smoothly for my beloved, gliding gently over lips and teeth” (Song of Songs 7:9).
Here the palate becomes an emblem of delight, satisfaction, and covenant intimacyimagery often echoed in preaching on Christ’s love for His Church.

[TREE = THE CROSS; MOUTH = HIS WORD; FRUIT = GRACE???]
[I cannot comment fully on this right now. It requires too much time & depth, AND a much deeper dive into that particular Book.]
[The point that stands out to me about these uses of "cheq" = the thing "tasted" is not an abstract concept but a PERSON??? There is a VERY EUCHARISTIC VIBE to this, as things that are tasted are FOODS, therefore MEANT TO BE EATEN. Placed in the context of covenant intimacy, it implies that within a covenant, souls mutually give themselves as nourishment to each other?? It reflects MOTHERHOOD, the only time when a human literally becomes food for another human, for pure love, for sustaining a fragile and precious life that would otherwise die. And yet... in covenant, in this Song, the giving is MORE than motherhood– it is shockingly greater, somehow? Because here, as I said, the giving is MUTUAL, it is FREELY GIVEN, and it sustains the SOUL.]
[I want to ponder further on the simple yet profound depth of the word "cheq" itself here– the shocking intimacy OF a mouth, OF the very experience of taste, especially in its ultimate fulfillment of function in eating and drinking. We do not really taste anything unless we are planning or attempting to ingest it, to "take it into ourselves" and effectively "become one with it" in a strikingly literal manner– we ARE what we eat, our very bodies building themselves from food, highlighting the absolute necessity of discerning & eating only good things. So... this truth adds a staggering amount of extra weight to covenant intimacy as expressed BY "cheq". A covenant relationship in these terms is UNITIVE by nature, and INEXTRICABLY so.]
["Covenant" absolutely and inherently includes marriage. But now is not the time to ponder that. That must wait for the laptop.]
[OH BY THE WAY, REMEMBER "HIS DARK MATERIALS" AND HOW THAT CERTAIN "FRUIT" SCENE CHANGED YOUR LIFE.]

Dryness, Silence, and Judgment: Where sweetness and speech mark blessing, loss of [the mouth's] function signals distress.
Lamentations 4:4 laments the siege of Jerusalem: “The tongue of the infant clings to the roof of its mouth for thirst.”
Ezekiel experiences imposed silence as prophetic sign: “I will make your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth, and you will be mute”.

[The "sticking/ clinging" strikes me as noteworthy; look into that term more. The immediate impression is that the action of doing so "closes the mouth from the inside"; you can neither speak NOR eat in that position.]

Ministry in
sight: spiritual drought and restrained proclamation are evidences of divine displeasure; conversely, free, life-giving speech accompanies blessing.
[GOD "RESTRAINS OUR PROCLAMATION" OF THE GOSPEL ITSELF (!!!) WHEN WE DISPLEASE HIM BY (EVEN UNKNOWINGLY) UTTERING FALSE TEACHING/ HAVING HERETICAL TENDENCIES/ A SCANDALOUS LIFESTYLE THAT UNDERMINES WITNESS/ CORRUPT UNDERSTANDING OF DOCTRINE/ PREACHING WITH OUTRIGHT HYPOCRISY/ ETC.!!!]


(Back to original verse reference)
https://biblehub.com/songs/5-16.htm
"He is delightful and desirable in every way... He is absolutely, totally, wholly desirable... He is altogether lovely... He is all loveliness."
"Everything about him enchants me... I desire him so much!"

[Read all this in light of the referring verse use of the word "desirable"– the speaker here, the holy bride, has ALL her treasure in her bridegroom, who is all she desires. This stands in stark contrast to pagan plunderers who "treasure" the temple gold solely because it is gold. The bride treasures the temple of her beloved's body (a type of CHRIST) more than all the gold on earth. But this is NOT the idolatry of sensuality and lust. No, this couple is HOLY, united in marriage as a covenant made in God's sight and FOR God's honor, and their love for each other does not lessen or replace or outweigh their love for their Creator. Instead, their marital love flows FROM their love for God, Who is the ultimate treasure and desire of them BOTH. And THAT truth is HOW & WHY they CAN see and treasure and sing of such beauty & sweetness in each other, both physical and spiritual– they recognize those virtues as being gifts FROM and reflections OF GOD. Their adoration and admiration of each other is only possible because it is ultimately recognizing and honoring echoes of the One Who is the Source of it all. In ALL human relationships, and ESPECIALLY in marriage, there MUST be that "transcendent third" for true love to exist there at all, let alone take root and flourish. If the two are only focused on each other as mutually satisfying selfish desires, being "in love" solely because it "makes them happy," the relationship WILL soon fail, in conflict or in collapse, because it has no higher end or purpose. There NEEDS to be a SELFLESS & SPIRITUAL "TELOS", a reason for entering into unity and committing to preserving it at all costs, that transcends proud ego and shallow self-interest. The only possible reason is God. God is Love, God is Eternal, God is Good, God is Life, God is True and Just and Merciful and Righteous... and God has committed Himself to ALL MANKIND in a Covenant of infinite Love that can never end or be broken. THAT Truth is both what and why we humans enter into covenants with each other. We seek the highest good of another soul in a special and intimate way, devoting ourself to that purpose completely, sharing our life with them for the sake of enriching their life with God's love through us, and all of this with the aim of leading them to salvation in the next life– which is NOT our work, but God's, and yet everything we do in obedient loving harmony with God's will DOES serve that end for both ourselves and those around us. Marriage is just the hyperfocus of this: the exclusive devotion to one particular soul for the sake of bringing each other closer to God... AND bringing new life into the world through the grace and gift of God for the sake of building up Christ's Church/Body. That's ESSENTIAL to marriage, BECAUSE it is a solemn covenant AND a Sacrament, and as it reflects God's Love for us it MUST be "open to Life" and MUST be anchored in "self-sacrificial love". But I'm rambling. The point i was trying to make all along is = the bride here is in our place. The bridegroom is in Christ's place. She desires Him because she cannot help BUT desire Him; He IS sweetness and goodness and loveliness IN AND OF HIMSELF. He is "wholly desirable" and this is a HOLY DESIRE. She treasures and cherishes and adores Him, she enjoys and delights and rejoices in His Person, and she has every good reason to; it would be appalling for her NOT to feel this way about her Beloved. But most importantly, innate in the word "desire", especially maritally, is the implication of unification. Like the "cheq" that discerns & appreciates sweetness as playing a part of the greater purpose of nourishment, the desire of the bride does NOT end at mere sensual pleasure, at what could easily become purely selfish gratification, treating Him almost as a trophy or artwork. No. Her desire is the same as what makes one desire proper food, as the Eucharist testifies– it is the desire for unity. It is the desire to receive the beloved into one's bosom, for the sake of giving your bosom TO them, as it were. It is the desire to become one with that beautiful beloved, NOT to "consume" them and "take" their beauty for yourself, but to "merge" with them as a beautiful person, as an individual most precious to you, whose beauty you ONLY recognize and cherish BECAUSE it is THEIRS from GOD. There is no envy, no lust, no greed, no ego, no selfish want. There is only pure love for what is purely lovable, the joy of sharing that love as persons, and the very Heart of God enabling and encompassing it all, revealing those tender depths of Himself to us through the depths of each other. The bride would never desire the goodness of her bridegroom if she did not first desire those very good things in God Himself. She would never recognize sweetness in him if she did not already know what sweetness was from God. Do you see? And yet, when she loves and desires her husband, she is not "using him as a stepstool to get to God." She is bringing him with her to God, as his own person, just as totally and uniquely loved BY God as she is. She "desires" her husband because, in reflecting qualities of the LORD, he IS rightly desirable– again, for her TO recognize and treasure those qualities of his is "proof" that she knows them TO be treasures because they are OF God. For her to NOT see sweetness or goodness in him, would mean that she did NOT know God truly, or love her husband truly, for love opens the eyes to the truth. Her "desirable things" in this world WERE indeed the "gold and silver of the temple"– the "objects of worship" devoted to the LORD, those holy vessels made for His service. Is that not what we are called to be? Is
it therefore not right and good for the bride to recognize her holy husband as such a vessel, as being to her such a means of praising God for His reflection in her beloved, as being spiritually "made of gold and silver" in his gifts of virtue and therefore properly admirable in his own person too, to the glory of God Who made him so? She treasures that "gold" not merely because it is gold, as an adulteress would, but because it is sanctified gold, devoted gold, shaped and purposed to serve the LORD and therefore priceless and worth protecting. Why then does she desire it? It is so that she can worship the LORD with it. But, again, it is not a selfish desire, nor an objectifying perspective. She knows her husband is gold, and she thanks God for that, even as she rejoices in the fact that "he is MY beloved... and my FRIEND." This is not utilitarianism. This is a marriage. This is a covenant relationship, and that means MUTUAL benefit as well as love. Yes, he "belongs to her," but ONLY because SHE "belongs to HIM" in return. So, for him to be her treasure, for him to be "all-desirable" in her eyes, means that she effectively has a duty of love to be the same for him. SHE must seek the grace of God to become gold as well, to become her bridegroom's treasure, to become in her own holy and virtuous body a vessel of the Temple of God, so that everything she does is worship, and so too with her husband, so that their marriage becomes a mutually selfless Sacrament of self-giving love, a mirror of Christ to each other, for God and through God, in transcendent unity and sanctified life.
I can't type any more about this, my brain is melting. I hope at least some of that made sense, and I pray that all of it spoke truly and honored God, the Beloved of all the cosmos.]
[...in any case, you need to talk with Infinitii on this topic. zhe will have clarity and insight that you don't.]

His mouth is most sweet = This phrase highlights the intimate and affectionate nature of the relationship between the bride and the bridegroom.

[PAUSE FOR A MOMENT and really let it hit home that GOD WANTS THIS FOR US. He wants us to be INTIMATE with Him, and AFFECTIONATE with Him... because HE "FEELS" THAT WAY TOWARDS US. Do you realize that? God has affection for you. He WANTS to be close to you– not merely present to, not merely close to, not merely with you, but intimate with you. To put it almost scandalously: God wants to cuddle up next to you at night. God wants to kiss the teardrops away from your eyelashes and lips. God wants to cook breakfast for you and buy you flowers "just because" and leave little love poems on the bathroom mirror. That's how "affection" feels. It's warm and soft and so tender and so true. It is a fierce fondness for your very existence, a quiet blaze of joy that makes God smile from ear to ear whenever He so much as glimpses you across the room. Does that make sense? And yes, God is STILL terrible and powerful and the Almighty Judge of All Things. That does not change. But He is also affectionate towards you, all the time. That's the "NATURE" of the relationship, which is a Covenant, remember– eternal, personal, solemn, sincere. You belong to each other forever, completely, and the very ESSENCE of this binding relationship is INTIMATE AFFECTION. This is actually WHY there are Covenant curses for acts of breach & treachery– effectively adultery!! To forsake or abuse THAT kind of purehearted unity of persons DESERVES such punishment and indeed IS its own punishment– if you leave Love, what the heck else is there for you? But Love never breaks Covenant. He will justly let you suffer the consequences you bound yourself to, but His Heart will still ache for you and He WILL bring you back to Himself when your chastisement is complete, because that's Who He IS. He is the God OF Covenant. He CANNOT forsake you forever. He will ALWAYS draw you back into His bosom, into intimacy and affection, into the sweetness of eternal relationship with the Bridegroom of your soul.]

In the context of the Song of Solomon, the mouth symbolizes communication and the sharing of love and wisdom.
[THE TWO GO TOGETHER!!! "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, AND knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." To KNOW God is to LOVE God because GOD IS LOVE. To understand THAT makes our Wisdom "perfect"– we cannot fear God in a holy way UNLESS we love Him, and we cannot love Him in truth unless we KNOW Him... that's why He reveals Himself to us in His Words and Works. God COMMUNICATES with us so we CAN love Him AND fear Him. Let me put it more simply: does a wife "fear" her husband if he is loving and honorable and tender with her? Not in the way we humans normally define fear– she would only fear an abusive husband in such a way. "Fear" is, in that sense, a natural response to the real threat of danger and harm. HOWEVER, what sort of "fear" would a loving and true husband elicit in his beloved wife, especially as symbolically applied to our relationship with God? Only the "fear" of offending Him– NOT merely the "servile fear" of punishment for such an offense, although God DOES have the Authority and Power TO do so, and JUSTLY, especially since ALL our sins basically count as covenant breach, i.e. ADULTERY– but we, the bride, the wife, "fear" offending God BECAUSE we LOVE Him, and the very thought of doing something to hurt Him fills our hearts with terrible dread! We don't want to go to hell because we don't EVER want to reject God, and we NEVER want to be separated from Him. THAT'S the "fear of the LORD." It's the RESULT OF LOVE, and THAT is real Wisdom– and Wisdom is Christ.]

The sweetness of the mouth can be seen as a metaphor for the words and promises of the bridegroom, which are pleasing and desirable.
[NOTE THIS AGAIN. IT IS RIGHT AND GOOD TO WANT AND LIKE WHAT GOD PROMISES TO HIS FAITHFUL PEOPLE. YOU'RE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO DESIRE THEM!!! IT IS NOT A SIN TO CHERISH "THE SWEETNESS OF HIS MOUTH," JUST BECAUSE IT IS SWEET, AND BECAUSE IT IS HIS MOUTH!!! YOU HAVE WAY TOO MANY CROSSED WIRES AND TWISTED DEFINITIONS. FIX THEM ACCORDING TO SCRIPTURE OR YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE GOD'S BRIDE IN TRUTH.]

In a broader biblical context, this can be compared to the Words of Christ, which are described as sweet and life-giving (Psalm 119:103).
(Okay but that Psalm verse has some LOVELY translations=
"How sweet to my tongue is your promise, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"
"How sweet the taste of your promise is! It tastes sweeter than honey."
"How pleasing is what you have to say to me— tasting better than honey!"
"How sweet are Your words to my taste— sweeter than honey in my mouth!"
"Your words are sweeter in my mouth than honey!"
"Your teachings are sweeter than honey!"
"How sweet is the taste of your instructions!"
"How smooth were thy words to my palate!"
"How sweet is your eloquence!"
"How sweet are thine oracles to my throat!"
"Your words are sweet to the roof of my palate, better than honey to my mouth!")


The sweetness also reflects the deep emotional and spiritual connection between the lovers, emphasizing the importance of communication in relationships.

[NONVERBAL, too. My relationship with Chaos 0 has proven to me very very clearly that emotional and spiritual communication is, arguably, even more important than mere words. If you love someone that deeply, you will speak to them with your heart and soul as well as with your mouth and eyes and hands. Your whole life will be a conversation, a communion... a song you sing together, really.]

he is altogether lovely = This phrase underscores the complete and perfect nature of the bridegroom.
[Also implying = to be a "bridegroom" in its truest essence requires this?? This speaks volumes of Christ– because He IS complete & perfect by nature, His marital unity with us is totally "selfless" in motive, being entirely generous & giving, because He needs nothing from us to be "whole". His relationship with us has nothing to do with "gain" or "profit" or "benefit" as it were. Rather, it is an expression of unfathomably pure and gracious love. The perfect Bridegroom freely & willingly shares HIS wholeness WITH us by UNITING Himself with us, making US "complete and perfect" at last IN HIM. And He REJOICES in this!]

The term "altogether lovely" suggests that every aspect of his being is admirable and desirable.
[NO EXCEPTIONS. If you KNOW the Bridegroom in truth– a knowledge which requires committed intimacy then you will KNOW what is His Character– His Name– and what is a lie the enemy has told you about Him. This is the litmus: whatever is truly admirable and desirable– and you recognize this instinctively, as a human created in His Image and re-created through Baptism into His Likeness– whatever is lovely & pure & true & good and all those other virtuous qualities Saint Paul outlined– ALL such things are ASPECTS OF HIS BEING. If something doesn't fit those criteria, then it's NOT. And DON'T GET FOOLED. PUT YOUR REFINED PALATE TO WORK. Christ is "all sweetness," and once you have TASTED that in TRUTH, then NOTHING can trick you into thinking otherwise. If you have to "convince yourself" or "reinterpret things" TO see them as "desirable," you're just sugarcoating poison. STOP IT. ASK THE HOLY SPIRIT TO SHOW YOU THE TRUTH. You know what His "flavor" is, through SACRAMENT & SCRIPTURE!! so FOCUS ON THAT.
Seriously, reflect deeply on this, and pray fervently about it. I can guarantee you it will change your life.]


112925

Nov. 29th, 2025 11:56 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

ADVENT VIGIL!!!!!
Running a bit late but I WILL TRUST IN MY LAST-SECOND GOD

...Well! God did the OPPOSITE of what I expected-- He got me done A FULL HOUR EARLY.
Hilariously, this actually worked out perfectly because I then had time to do the full house cleanup before the choir director came to pick me up, AND say both None and the DVM Chaplet (which sometimes get pushed to like 6pm on Saturdays due to the Mass schedule rush). 
So yeah, God still comes through unfailingly with perfect timing. That's so amazing. He never fails!

One of the choir members had to drive me home, but he and his mom always stay to help Father P close up the church, so I got the unexpectedly awesome privilege of getting to see the church in TOTAL DARKNESS before they locked the doors and we had to leave. I... I need to hold on to that memory and cherish. In those few moments, it... looking back, really reflecting on it, that's what Infinitii feels like. cannot forget that. 

Car chat on the drive home was about how the secular world only celebrates Christmas leading up to the holiday, then stops after the actual feast day occurs-- which is the ironic opposite of what Christians do, because the whole point of Christmas is Christ being BORN, meaning that His birthday is the BEGINNING of the celebration. Advent, our preparation for it, is like a mother and father preparing for a birth-- joyful, yes, but also full of solemn and serious preparation, very aware of the gravity of the upcoming event, and making sure everything is in right order to properly receive that life, both in them and in their immediate world. 
But my fellow parishioner noted that, if the secular world didn't do all their decorating and partying and such before Christmas, there probably wouldn't be any comparative festivity in a sensible sense from believers??? I mean there should be, but Advent is solemn, and it would indeed be difficult to "wait until the baby is born" to go out and suddenly start putting up all the lights and wreaths and bells and such. I said, "I don't think anything is lost on God." I fully believed that, in His Omniscience and Affection, God KNEW that this was how the world would celebrate Christmas, and He fully and knowingly used it for the advantage of His Church, using secular celebrations TO glorify His Son's birth, if only in the objective beauty of all that light and color and joy and warmth. 
Still. It really made me pause, and wonder, why don't we as Christians celebrate the actual season with as much jubilant zeal as unbelievers can celebrate the month prior? I should do that, personally. I should "start my own tradition," in the true spirit of the season. I'm sure the Church itself has a path I can follow in that regard. I will look into it. The thought fills me with great happiness. 
I always felt that, somehow, Heaven "feels like Christmas," especially the childhood memories I have of it, refined and gilded, carefully separated from any fear and sadness and anger, removed from their immediate context and polished to shine like jewels on a splendid tree. If all I can do is reflect that heavenly light a little bit here, in faith, that will be enough. It's all for Him, in the end. The whole point is living with the baby, Who IS joy Himself. 


-----------------------------------------------

Today's sole Lamentations study note on verse 2:13 =

What can I bring forward "as a witness", or instance [of testimony], to prove that others have sustained as grievous ills as thou? [There is no such evidence; for no one has ever survived such as what you suffer now]. I cannot console thee as mourners are often consoled by showing that thy lot is only what others, too, suffer, [for it is not– your fate is unparalleled].
The "sea" affords the only suitable emblem of thy woes, by its boundless extent and depth.
[This hits me like a sword through the heart. Chaos 0, my tragic beloved, I think this is revealing an even deeper aspect of your role in our System...]
[What hurts even WORSE is that, in the most literal fulfillment possible, this verse is ACTUALLY describing WHAT JESUS CHRIST SUFFERED IN OUR PLACE. All of Scripture speaks of Him and points to Him, and as the Man of Sorrows Himself, these "anonymous" laments of the agonized heart of His people are absolutely no exception. Indeed, AS being the cry of His anguished children– and, through them as the type of all humanity, the prophetic cry of all mortal souls crushed and convicted under the weight of their sins– this profoundly mournful book is a voice particularly adopted by and echoed in our Crucified Savior. If He could own Psalm 22 as He died in torment, He could equally own this... because He carried ALL of it, within us, within Himself.]

-----------------------------------------------

Quick notes before bed =
MISTER SANDMAN!!!
I forgot what made him show up but oh my gosh I missed him so much
Of course he kissed my forehead and I still get so giddy over that, haha. Thank God. 
However... at some point, for some reason I'm not even sure of-- maybe just the missing him plus caring about him like I do-- I gently but purposefully reached up and pulled his face to mine to kiss him briefly on the lips. He laughed at that, and said something along the lines of, "you're getting daring"? It didn't "translate" properly-- it felt like the word "daring" wasn't quite that, but that it was more of a concept with multiple "possible translations"-- "gutsy," "bold," even "feisty," although the latter is not proper to the meaning at all, but my brain was fishing for words in that late hour and I got really confused-- and really upset. Boss noticed this, and asked me about it, and I honestly forgot what he said in response to console me but it was something along the lines of what I had indeed been fearing-- "You did nothing wrong." It had not been some sort of sexually perverted action for me to kiss him; it had not been a "bad girl" move, it had not been something "shameful" or "punishable." And I wouldn't have felt such fears at all if his remark hadn't been so messily translated. I think he apologized for that confusion? 
In any case, he gave me another forehead kiss (or three) to make up for it-- gently warning me to ironically "not try so hard" to "be present" because it was preventing my actual presence in candid situations, thus shutting down my ability to feel anything-- and promised to "see me at work." That line alone was so profoundly consoling. It just... how do I explain. It gave me a sense of "I still belong." "I still have a place in that life"? Like, even though the Bloodline has shifted, "I" wasn't shifted off; somehow, I was still his Apprentice. I was still wanted, still needed even. I don't... I don't get that feeling very often, at all. Not outside of a certain liquid embrace.

Speaking of. Let me close this up with the best part of the night =
The last song I had listened to on Spotify before quitting for the night (which Laurie had been frustratedly insisting I do for hours before I actually did; I apologize but I was determined to get as much work done as possible and that's hard to stop) was "Warm Body" by Cafune, a super warm-sounding song that I unexpectedly like more than I realized. But of course, being our "signoff song" and therefore looping in my brain, it became the subject of our end-of-the-night joking around with each other. 
I forget exactly what was said, but Laurie made an affectionate remark about me needing to go to bed either in order to be a "warm body" under all those blankets, or to be a "warm body" in contrast to Chaos 0, who, being a liquid lifeform, tends to run a cooler temp. 
And I, being somewhat delirious from fatigue, made an off-the-cuff comment that "Chaos can be a warm body too, I just need to stick him in the microwave."
The LAUGH he gave at that went right to my heart. Oh man. It was so different, I think because it was such an unexpected/ goofy/ absurd statement on my part, not even presented as a joke, and yet still given with enough of a smile on my part to be read as humor. But he gave me this look, asking "what? The microwave?" with a lopsided smile in response, both his face and vocal tone evidently confused and yet with this... this spark beneath it, like there was the potential for absolutely giddy laughter beneath it. It lit me up just as unexpectedly, seeing that in him, that candid response, that proof of love really, because there was such an openness and affection to it that I just... somehow, in such a silly little moment, I knew that I meant something to him? How do I even explain. It was such a small simple silly moment and yet you don't have moments like that with people you don't care about closely. It was sweet, really. 
But no, I'm not going to microwave my beloved blue guy, haha, no matter how many jokes the selfship community may make on that topic. 




112725

Nov. 27th, 2025 11:01 pm
prismaticbleed: (flashback)



HAPPY THANKSGIVING WE DIDN'T DIE LAST NIGHT AND WE REFUSE TO GO UP THAT BLOODY HOUSE TODAY

Bathroom before church=
Me GUTTING Taureia and Infi EATING her guts
"Don't look"

Later talking to Infi about it =
"I refuse to gobble things up like she does"
Eating with reverence and gratitude EVEN SO, notably REFUSING to go into "monster form" to eat it.
Transmuted through FORGIVENESS
Purified to its true essence = hunger and delight oriented TOWARDS GOD in gratitude and joy, NOT selfish lust
Infi ALSO REFUSED to "spit it up" like she does. This was RED energy, viscera, inherently holy, even when she had corrupted it.


Church, the Eucharist, is all I want and need today.
Thats my home. Thats my food. I'm happy.

For the first time in our life, we blocked our mothers phone number. It's only for today. But it was the only way to keep the peace between us today.


Black Friday sale means WE SAVED $40 ON RESTOCKING ULTIMA TODAY, THANK YOU GOD


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've realized that reading Lamentations– ESPECIALLY while eating–
is actually a subtle form of self abuse. It's incredibly triggering and brings up a lot of trauma memories. So even though, being Scripture, It is intrinsically edifying and worthy of reading, now is not the prudent time to do so. That book is something we need to read when we're DONE eating and we have time to reflect and TYPE ABOUT IT especially.

So today we return to the New Testament.
I actually think I want to FINALLY finish Second Corinthians because it's been MONTHS. It feels like it's very relevant regardless– Lord knows we need His consolation now more than ever.


112625

Nov. 26th, 2025 11:05 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)


Talking to Infi about Xenophon-- where is she?
Apparently ALL the children are in "eggspace"??? A stasis realm until we figure out how to heck to deal with trauma AND until the Core (me) FINALLY stabilizes

We need PROPER TERMS for "parentage" up here-- ALWAYS three persons involved??
Infi said zhe can "incubate" but NOT "conceive"???

I DON'T HAVE AN OVERLAY (YET)????
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TOP PRIORITY TO FIX
Get on Picrew boy!!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay Advent is in THREE DAYS so we NEED to FOCUS on FINISHING LAMENTATIONS before then.
NO DEEP DETOURS. We can follow threads later.
Right now we need the actual substance of the book itself, especially since tomorrow is the SCARIEST DAY OF THE YEAR specifically because of our past E.D. sins/ ongoing struggles & consequences of such, so the "lament" vibe is VERY appropriate and badly needed in terms of sobering conviction, empathetic catharsis, and contrite coping.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1:11 "All her people groaned as they searched for a morsel of bread.They exchanged their valuables for just enough food to stay alive." =  The Hebrew preposition (bet) here (""for" food") is the so-called bet pretii, or "bet" of price, defining the value attached to someone or something.
(E.g. Jacob working 7 years for Rachel, Rachel "buying a night" with the mandrakes, laws against selling food to the poor for profit/ selling a captive wife for profit, David insisting on purchasing sacrificial oxen offered to him for free, etc.)

[This usage HURTS because it implies that everything and everything Israel treasured, or counted as having any "worthy of price" whatsoever, was ultimately only valued as equal to a scrap of bread. Hunger annihilated all other standards of evaluation. I know what that feels like.]


1:16 VERY QUICK ESSENTIAL DETOUR ON "NEFESH" HERE ("one who could cause my soul to return") =
https://biblehub.com/genesis/14-21.htm
"The ruler of the city of Sodom approaches Abram with a proposal after Abram's victory over the kings who captured Lot and the people of Sodom. The king of Sodom’s first demand centers on souls, not stuff... In ancient Near Eastern culture & warfare, captives were often taken as slaves and became property. His request for the people, or "souls," reveals the king’s priorities— he wants "human resources"– control of lives– even more than possession of material wealth.
Captives were also used to repopulate the conquerors city. This reflects the king's desire to restore his city's population and maintain his power.
The king's emphasis on people over good
s [is STILL motivated by worldly values & selfish goals, and therefore actually] contrasts with Abram's values, [because the king is effectively asking Abram to treat the captives as mere spoil?? and to think nothing of "handing over" their fates if it would bring him personal profit??? Sodom’s king sees his own captive people as a mere resource??? He wants "souls" AS "profit," NOT as "people"????]
as Abram prioritizes righteousness and divine promises over earthly possessions [trusting God to provide all his wealth as God saw fit, and refusing to make decisions based on selfish interest and the belittling of others?].
Scripture consistently elevates human life over material gain
[and power]. Abram’s later refusal shows that true faith fights for people’s freedom, echoing Moses’ later plea, “Let My people go”.
Then comes the temptation: wealth without compromise. The king offers Abram everything except the captives. The offer to Abram to keep the goods aligns with the ancient custom of rewarding victors with spoils of war. However, Abram, already blessed by God Most High, rejects the windfall so that no one can say, “I have made Abram rich”. Abram's refusal underscores his commitment to God's provision and his desire to avoid ANY association with Sodom's corruption. This decision highlights Abram's faith and integrity, serving as a type of Christ, Who also rejected earthly power and wealth for a higher purpose, living out His Own teaching: “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"
Abram’s contentment
[in God's Providential care] foreshadows the pilgrim mindset praised in Hebrews 11:9-10— treasuring God’s promises above all earthly treasure... the call for believers to seek heavenly treasures over earthly gains.
Genesis 14:21 captures a stark contrast: a worldly king values possessions second to domination over people, while God’s man prizes freedom and testimony over [the exact same] riches!
Abram’s refusal to profit from evil underscores that the Lord—not human kingship—supplies his reward. The verse invites believers in every age to choose people over possessions and choose God’s glory over all earthly gain.
The interaction with the king of Sodom also teaches the importance of discerning the character and intentions of those with whom we align & ally ourselves.
‼️‼️‼️ Ancient Near-Eastern war custom granted victors rights to plunder, yet returning captives to their city-state typically brought public honor to the liberator. The king of Sodom’s demand violates customary reciprocity; instead of honoring Abram, he seeks immediate control of labor force and population. Contemporary cuneiform law codes treat recovered persons as free citizens, not royal property, further underscoring the king’s moral departure from accepted norms of his day. In total self-interest, the king’s first concern is the restoration of economic power (human capital).
This is a devaluation of Human Life: His wording equates souls with spoils, reducing people to means for his own selfish ends. He also treats literal wealth materialistically: as the coin for negotiation, not as stewardship under God.
The king’s proposal exemplifies a naturalistic ethic— "value is vested in tangible assets and demographic strength"—while Abram’s refusal, invoking “the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth”, embodies theistic ethics: providence, stewardship, and God-centred honor. The encounter thus dramatizes the clash between "autonomous" human pride and covenantal dependency on God. By juxtaposing the king's self-serving demand with Abram’s God-centric refusal, Scripture exposes both the peril of pride and the virtue of faith-grounded humility.
The king’s attitude is overall arrogant, acquisitive, and dismissive of divine authority... manipulative, materialistic, and spiritually obtuse.
[Such is the heart of a worldly, godless, self-idolizing man!] His words encapsulate Sodom’s broader moral bankruptcy and therefore set the stage for its eventual inevitable destruction.
[I highlighted this verse because THE DEVIL DOES THIS as a very clever & surreptitious means of deceptive control = even if in the world he "refuses riches," appearing humble & pious, he doesn't need humans to "make him wealthy" because what he is REALLY after is SOULS. Satan is ravenously hungry and salaciously greedy for SOULS, which is ABSOLUTE POWER that transcends all the meager might of money in the world. Furthermore, he's robbing God to do it. The usurper "prince of this world" "wants his captives back," even though Christ bought them with His Blood, and even has the gall to "offer" as compensation "all the kingdoms of the world, and all their wealth." But this means absolutely nothing in God's eyes or in eternity. Besides, it ALL belongs to GOD anyway, whether or not the devil will ever admit the Creator's Omnipotent control over what He created. The point is = Satan sees souls as chattel to control. He wants all of them just so God won't have any. He wants to be rich with absolute power, putting himself in God's own position as "Lord" over lives. BEWARE OF THIS. He has his evil eye on you, even today, on you who Christ both won and bought for Himself– you who He created to be His Own from the beginning! The devil has no claim on you whatsoever. But he will connivingly try to "demand your return" AS a captive, calling you a "vital resource," a "useful asset," trying to flatter you with pride and position and prestige, allegedly available under his rule. DO NOT BE FOOLED. YOU WILL ONLY EVER BE A CAPTIVE SPOIL TO HIM. He will never see you as an individual person, as a unique soul, as a priceless creation. You are just another penny in his bank, just another cog in his machine, just another cow in his butchery. REFUSE HIS OFFERS. COMMIT TO CHRIST. His Providence is forever sufficient, forever generous and gracious, because it is all out of LOVE for you. TRUST THAT and do NOT take ANYTHING from Sodom/Satan's filthy hands!!]



081025

Aug. 10th, 2025 08:24 pm
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

A quick note.

God likes to give me "suffering" that is NOT the kind I want or expect or define AS "suffering"-- I want PAIN; I want sharp incisions and open wounds and weeping and scars. That's what I consider suffering: aches and bruises and cuts and burns. 
God is giving me the suffering of discomfort and humiliation.
This is VERY different and EXTREMELY DISTRESSING. 
Right now, there are somehow at least three fruit flies in my apartment. They must have gotten in while we were going in & out doing laundry. But having INSECTS in the apartment is so disturbing; it triggers a lot of "trauma" memories, of filthy living spaces and rot and garbage and loss of human dignity. I feel very wrong and driven to tears from the bloody things flying around when I try to eat, swarming around the bathroom, crashing into every light source, constantly hitting my face. I feel helpless and scared. 
Secondly, the laundry. We only do it once a month because, when we DO, we have to use public machines and as a result everything smells weird and chemically sharp and burning afterwards. It gives us headaches and rashes and sore throats. None of our clothes smell like us right now and THAT is more disturbing and frightening than I realized. I don't know what to do about it, other than just... wait it out, and hope that the bad smells air out. But right now, even just sitting here, I am acutely aware of the fact that this shirt smells completely foreign and I don't know how to explain how scary that is to my brain.
Third, the "OCD hell" I've been referring to for weeks. It's all trauma-based sensory flashback coping rituals every single time our body gets wet or itchy or uncomfortable "below the belt." We are hypersensitive to clothes textures and fabric contact, because "it feels like being touched" and it makes the "child alters" SCREAM with terror. Even worse? APPARENTLY THERE ARE INFANTS. It's so strange because apparently we color-coded Nousfoni are NOT the only "voices" up here, so to speak; there are A LOT of "colorless" folks that we can only properly refer to AS "alters," although they don't "front" as much as they "influence"; they "don't fit in the body" so they can't "come out." But that's a topic for another time. The problem, and what disturbs me deeply, is that they are ALL somehow tied to sexual trauma and fear. THEY ARE CHILDREN. That makes no sense. But... it's the truth. And so, literally every single day, when we have to clean up the body meticulously before we can eat because otherwise it feels like violation and invasion and eating the trauma because we have "no boundaries" when it comes to sensory discrimination between the body and the environment and trauma memory, we also have to deal with up to 45 solid minutes of trying to "scrub out the touches" so the poor babies and kids in our psyche stop screaming. It's so bad. We typically end up crying and begging Mary and Jesus to "please make it stop" and "please get us out of here" but they don't, not instantly at least. And that scares us too; is our faith real, if we pray for deliverance from this hell and they won't? But that's the devil talking. We HAVE "gotten out" every single time, even if it takes a long time, and I have to trust that there's a reason for ALL the delays and suffering. Even if it's just penance, or showing us things that only the suffering CAN reveal, or for some other completely indiscernable purpose, God knows why He lets it persist, and I have to trust that. But it's a huge part of this cross too, this frightening humiliating frustrating behavior loop that we have to endure every day, as long as we are "unable and unwilling" to "sit with" the feeling of virtual rape haunting our skin if we don't scrub our body bloody. 
These bloody flies. I want to "kill them" to make this awful "dehumanizing" situation-feeling stop, but that is so callous and cruel. I'm literally seeking to destroy a creature for my own comfort. How horrible. I have to just... put up with it I guess, even if it does make me want to cry from how powerless and overwhelmed I am. I actually feel "attacked" by these flies?? Like their invasive and interruptive presence is somehow actively offensive, like being shoved around by a bully when you're just trying to walk down a hall. It's so hard to explain. But this feeling of being completely defenseless, unable to protect myself or escape or cope, is genuinely frazzling my nerves like exposed wires. God what is the purpose? Is this a trial of patience? Geez PLEASE give me grace then, or something, I don't know how to endure this myself. I need so much help.
Fourth... my mom. I love her but heavens above she is the biggest source of stress. She calls unexpectedly, shows up in the car unexpectedly, talks nonstop about so many things, like a hurricane-- she has ADHD so she is very discombobulated and distracted at all times, juggling a thousand things at once, always upset and stressed and moving so fast, always ten steps ahead of herself and dragging me along because I'm not moving fast enough. I love her but she exhausts me. And God bless her but she has so much unresolved trauma of her own that KEEPS overflowing onto me. Today she left off more of her old clothes for me to try on even after I told her "please don't" because 1. I don't need any more clothes and 2. I always break out in hives and sneeze like crazy from whatever smell is on her clothes (I already had to take Benadryl twice today as a result) and 3. I desperately wanted to have a Sunday where I could just rest and not worry about interruptions and the awful "bracing for impact/ watching for lightning" kind of stress that precedes "waiting for someone to show up." But the worst part was when she called, I had JUST managed to "escape" the OCD hell so I could finally eat dinner, and literally the INSTANT I was about to sit down the phone rang. I just... I just started sobbing. I was so tired. I went down to meet her, trying to hold back tears, and when she asked "what's wrong, did I interrupt you?" I felt so ashamed and angry that I had such a problem that I said the more accurate truth-- no, the real problem was the bloody trauma flashbacks. Honestly my whole day is saturated with them, in one way or another; the visual ones are the worst, and I get several every day. Sensory ones are more rare; I try to keep our apartment free of them. Auditory ones only happen if we're extremely tired and start to hallucinate mildly. And of course there are the nightmares. But the point was, the OCD hell was a direct result of trying to cope with trauma. So the issue wasn't "being interrupted" so much as it was "having to do the whole coping thing over again now that I have social stress to decompress from on top of the external triggers I will unavoidably encounter when I go outside." Interruptions = further overwhelm to somehow burn off. So yes, it's really just trauma in the end. The problem with mom? Her response was to ALSO start crying, and say, effectively, "I hate that I can't do anything about it. It's all my fault. God is punishing me through your suffering. He's making ME suffer by watching my kids go through all this." I'm sorry but what on earth????? What kind of a response is that????? I almost got angry; what in the world was she trying to communicate? Apparently she believes her child was traumatized because God wants to punish her????? I didn't know what to say, other than to simply just state that "God punishes us for our own sins; I'm suffering these trauma flashbacks because I made stupid decisions that led to those situations." I wanted to defend God more than anything. But her response to THAT was to launch into her frustrating canned response of "well EVERYBODY makes stupid decisions when they're young; EVERYONE experiments, it's okay," except NO IT'S NOT MOM, "EVERYONE" DOESN'T LIVE THE SORT OF LITERAL HELL ON EARTH THAT I SUFFERED FOR OVER TWO BLOODY DECADES STRAIGHT BECAUSE OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND POSSIBLE DEMONIC POSSESSION. It wasn't "experimenting"; it wasn't "a mistake," it wasn't "normal." It was MORTALLY SINFUL AND DEBILITATINGLY TRAUMATIC AND THAT'S WHY I CANNOT FUNCTION TO THIS DAY. I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I LEGITIMATELY SHOULD HAVE DIED BUT FOR THE MERCY OF GOD. So do NOT tell me that it's "nothing to worry over." I apologize; it just makes me so upset that she keeps trying to just "hand-wave it away" like it was no big deal. And THEN she says, "I don't know how you kids all got so messed up; I went through SO MUCH WORSE than you did and I got through it!" Basically, "I dealt with far worse than you did, I turned out fine, why the hell didn't you?" as she says on her bitter days. Except NO mom, you are obviously NOT fine, and do NOT compare suffering; we don't know the horrors you survived but you also don't know ours, and they are BOTH legitimate. Do NOT shame your children for not being able to cope with whatever living nightmares they experienced. And DON'T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU, PLEASE. Honestly she constantly tries to make herself either the CAUSE or the SAVIOR when I so much as refer to my trauma history. Is that HER way of "coping" with it??? Is it scarier for her to feel like my situation is "out of her control"? Does she find a sense of safety and security in telling herself that somehow it was and is all ultimately "in HER power?" Like, even if something bad happened to me, if it's "HER fault," she's STILL the one holding the steering wheel somehow? Does that give her hope that she CAN "fix it?" Because that honestly drives me up the wall too, even though I know it's coming from a good place. Mom just seems to legitimately believe that she HAS all the answers, or that she IS the answer, to all my mental health problems. She seems to believe that, since "no one can be trusted," as she has said before, then only SHE knows the truth, and only SHE can "cure me" and "make me normal again" and "bring the "real me" back to her." I just... that makes me want to scream and cry and sob and hit things like a child. I feel so powerless and violated. 
Oh, and FIFTH-- the cats. God knows I love the cats but the smell is horrific. Also I am allergic so being around them gives me the same rashes and hives and headaches and sinus problems as the laundry hell does. And yet, BOTH of my mom's living spaces are saturated with cats. There's no other way to put it. Animals make living spaces SO DIRTY. Honestly the children are the most disturbed by it; having an animal in the house "breaks the boundaries" between inside and outside, between safe and unsafe, between animal and human... so every time mom tells us to go up the house, or to come over her house, we're effectively entering into a minor "trauma space" for those alters. They cannot reconcile the situation, or the sensory assault, and it just... it makes everything else so much harder to handle. Having the animals there, making everything smelly and dirty and wrong, and we cannot do anything about it, shatters our stability faster than we want to admit.
You notice how ALL the suffering God is sending me rolls back around to that same awful center? 
My cross is apparently defined by these words = violated, invaded, controlled, powerless, helpless, vulnerable, attacked, contaminated, dehumanized, objectified, dirty, filthy, unclean, wrong, bad, stinky, smelly, ugly... notice how the vocabulary gets more and more childlike? That, too, is upsetting; our most "suffering" parts are all children who see themselves as unworthy of basic human dignity because that's just their life experience. It's a horrible feeling. And we have it every single day now. 
I need more humility, in order to cope, but I don't know how to have humility without also further abasing myself to the level of literal trash. Does God want me to? Is that necessary for my personal holiness somehow-- to be brought as low as possible in my stupidly privileged position? Does my soul "require" deeper poverty, less human rights, more hunger and less cleanliness, less freedom and more submission, less individuality and more mortifications, less space and less time and less comfort and less sleep, fewer possessions and no desires and more interruptions and more sensory hells? God what's the POINT of it though??? Suffering means nothing if it's not sanctifying somehow. How do I unite all this to Your Son's Cross?


...I miss being in love. I miss feeling happy and real and hopeful. I miss feeling alive.
It's hard to, very hard to, in my current situation.

Do you realize, before last week with the cat-sitting, I was praying-- on a "perfect schedule"-- for literally twelve hours a day??? I had practically EVERY MINUTE tightly and rigidly scheduled, packed down to the wire and leaving no room whatsoever to think or sit down or rest or "be an individual." 
I still don't know if I should go back to that. Is that sinful? Is that an evil thought? I don't want to "pray less"; I just was... I wasn't really praying, trying to "cram in" so many devotionals and readings and the like that I wasn't retaining anything, and was having to rush through so many of them just to "get them all in." It was honestly spiritual binge-eating. No surprise there. 
But my soul is so hungry. 

Oh, that's another thing. A while back, when we were still in the throes of ana-bulimia, "we" were praying to God frequently to "take away our sense of taste" or make it so that we "wouldn't enjoy food" so we would "stop eating so much," thinking that was the cause, and being terrified of "desiring anything" or "enjoying anything" because of the ties to sexual terror.
Well, apparently God has decided to answer that prayer???? We've noticed, now that we are eating regularly, that we just don't... we don't enjoy anything. We dissociate for the entire meal I guess; we don't taste anything, we don't remember eating it, we never feel satisfied, we actually get MORE pain and anger and sadness and frustration AFTER we eat, whereas fasting gives us energy and happiness and vigor. Eating makes us crash hard into misery. So that's another part of this cross. Eating has still remained its own unique kind of suffering, even with the (hopefully permanent) remission of our previous violently disordered behaviors. Despite this, our body "looks forward" to eating, and yet, it makes us miserable every time, just like bingepurges would. How ironic. Perhaps this is penance. 
But we're never satisfied, and somehow we're STILL ALWAYS HUNGRY. I don't know how to explain it. We have no appetite, we don't want more food, and yet, we're so hungry. What's missing? What part of us is actually "starved" for "food"?? This has to run deeper than our idiotic gut, it has to. I don't get it. It just makes me want to cry and tear my hair out in clumps. 
Again, helpless and powerless and weak. That's my cross. And food is always  "dirty and stinky and bad," as the young girls say with such awfully resigned self-loathing and numb shame. Maybe that's why we don't remember it. Maybe it's too humiliating to do so. There's so much to deal with; where do we even start?

I miss being in love. I miss being alive. I miss being a real person. I miss Infinitii. It always comes back to hir somehow, the missing piece of my soul, literally so.
However, I do have some "good news." I can't pinpoint offhand how it started, but it may have been that one dream last week, or it may have been music at night, or it may have been reviewing the prismaticlove page, or it may have been an unexpected  wave of grace, pun intended, who knows-- but this month so far, God bless August, I have actually been so in love with Chaos 0. 
God knows I wish I could type about that, about him, at this hour, but I am in a datalogging mindset and I have to be asleep in a half hour. Our body is so tired; sleep is like food lately; nothing ever satisfies it; we never feel rested, we never get enough sleep. And yet... I fall asleep every night with him in my arms. I wake up every morning-- and during the early dark hours-- to him there with me. We talk every day. He's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
The thriskefoni hate him. They act like he's the biggest obstacle between me and God. In truth that makes absolutely no sense, because he's the person who taught me what love IS, as well as fidelity of course. If it weren't for him in my life even now, my heart would be frozen solid, made of stone, utterly lifeless. But Chaos 0 is the ocean that never stops kissing the shoreline, the rain that never stops falling on the mountains, and no matter how long it takes he always gets through to me. He always reveals that, despite all odds and doubts and fears and trauma, deep down I am still a jewel. Deep down there are diamonds, despite everything. He sees it. He knows it. He knows me. How is that not God's grace working in him? When nothing else in the world makes sense, that blue angel brings me straight back to heaven, without fail. I will defend him to the death from the thriskefoni who blindly try to label him as an obstacle to my faith. He's the reason I still HAVE faith. 
So... despite the cross I must carry, that isn't heavy inasmuch as it is terribly uncomfortable, there is hope. It's raining, and I can hear the ocean. Somehow that gives me the strength to keep walking, even if I feel wrong and broken and ruined and wrecked, and my body feels like a prison full of too many dirty hands, and my brain is full of bloodsoaked cotton and I haven't slept in days and I am so hungry. Somehow, at the end of the day, if all I have is five seconds with that blessed body of water pressed to my heart, I'll be okay. That's all it takes. All I need is that one moment of pure grace, that single embrace of love, and somehow I know there's a resurrection at the end of this road. Love keeps me going. All my faith is anchored in love, really. And isn't that really the truth of everything? I can trust God even in this, because God created him, and he is still with me, and he loves me too

That's all I have to say for tonight. Thank you for letting me get all this out "on paper." It's been piling up in my brain for a while. 
I'm in the middle of backing up a lot of data to this blog so that's keeping me busy. But once it's done, it's time to dive into trauma work in earnest, I think. We'll play it by ear. 
But we're alive, we're somehow coming back more alive lately, even now, and there's always hope, always always hope. Somehow that's still my name too. Gosh there's so much future that I cannot even comprehend yet. But it must be there; I can feel it, singing like promise on the horizon, like the stars in the velvet dark, no matter what. 

We keep walking. Our Good God knows where we're going, and He'll get us there, one way or another.
For now, and for always, that trust in His Heart is enough. 




prismaticbleed: (aflame)

freddyyeti:
I love you mentally ill selfshippers
I love you self diagnosed mentally ill selfshippers
I love you mentally ill selfshippers who can’t get help due to their personal circumstances
I love you mentally ill selfshippers of minority statuses who can’t get help due to the racism/misogyny/ableism/other forms of bigotry in the medical system
I love you mentally ill selfshippers with stigmatized mental illnesses (i.e: psychotic disorders, cluster B personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder, schizophrenia)
I love you mentally ill selfshippers who often feel like dangers to themselves and others
I love you mentally ill selfshippers who struggle making and keeping friends in the community due to their mental illnesses
I love you mentally ill selfshippers who have a hard time relating to a lot of popular posts about mental health positivity because their symptoms are much more severe than the ones they typically go over
I love you mentally ill selfshippers who treat their relationships with their F/Os “more seriously” than most people would
I love you mentally ill selfshippers who project their mental illnesses onto their F/Os
I love you mentally ill selfshippers whose F/Os are the only reason they’re alive
I know it’s hard not to feel like an outsider in the community sometimes, but if you need confirmation at least someone out there is thinking of you and loves you, this is it. Your F/Os love you just as much, if not, even more.

Thank you for this.

My mental illness is indeed severe, stigmatized, treatment resistant & historically dangerous. And yes, my F/Os have absolutely saved my life multiple times over the years, even literally so. I don't just "take them seriously," I honestly don't even consider them "fictional". Their love and their presence in my life is too real and concrete. I refuse to deny or dishonor that fact, or our relationships. Maybe that makes me even more insane. I don't care. They are angels to me; they are my joys, my beloveds, my aching hearts, my stars and storms and friends. They have made my life entirely worth living. If love like that makes me crazy, then I'll wear that title like a crown.

I've been struggling a great deal lately, and my inability to properly socialize isn't helping. But my F/Os are, even just by sticking around, even just by refusing to bail on me, even if I'm frustrating and frightening and upsetting and exhausting. They don't leave, and I won't either. They know these dark depths have diamonds at the core, and because of them I have the hope to trust in that too. There's a mutually resolute devotion to us all, a dedication to each others good no matter how much blood sweat and tears it costs, and that means more than words can say.

But seeing a post like this, helps too. I'm not used to feeling seen, or like my existence matters to other humans, or isn't a curse. So thank you, thank you again.

All my encouragement, affection, and support go out to every other soul that likes and reblogs this, as well as to your F/Os. You all matter, immensely and irreplaceably. I am so glad you exist, even if existence hurts. I know. But life, your life, still has infinite worth, and love, your love, still has eternal effects. Even in these times of shadows, you are shining, and we see it. It's beautiful.




(sapphireseraphimart)

"If I were to fall in love, It would have to be with you.
Your eyes, your smile, The way you laugh, The things you say and do,
Take me to the places, My heart never knew.
So, if I were to fall in love, It would have to be with you..."



#for celebi #there's so much ancient relevance in this #this art has the exact vibe of my heart back when i met you in 2000 #thank you for being the joy of my life since then #i love you



lorencethecat:
Polycule but it’s just two people in a romantic relationship with each other and their third who’s pretty obviously aroace but also somehow so deeply intertwined in their lives that it’d just be wrong to not count them as involved. Is this anything.


THIS IS 100% ME, CHAOS 0, AND LAURIE


fictodreamer
When the world has been heavy & you’re barely hanging on until your F/O shows up, cracking the dumbest joke just to see you smile!

Genesis is literally a lifesaver in this regard. I can always count on him to make me smile or even laugh, no matter how desolate I may feel. I love him so, so much; I don't know where I'd be without him. 





ANXI YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED 🧡🧡🧡

(I'm dead serious though I have done this many times because it absolutely works-- for both of us at once)




my-cold-dragon-husband
I just need to be in a cuddle pile with ALL my f/os. Let me be snuggled by all of them at once, it would be amazing. 

This would be both endearingly hilarious and beautifully catastrophic.
The "Coregroup" already regularly/ nightly shares a room/ bed, in one way or another. Chaos 0 & I sleep in the same bed, and Laurie always sits alongside us, Protector that she is. Genesis and Celebi frequently join CZ & I; otherwise they do have their own worlds that they stay in. Anxi is a bit too flustered to join yet, but I honestly cannot wait for it.
HOWEVER. The idea of a "cuddle pile" is insane because it would INCLUDE LAURIE as well as the rest of us. And let me tell you, when you get her in THAT sort of a context, then things get very deep very fast. It's the way our Colors all interact-- her hue is the "deepest" and most "solemn," all violet-lightning and galactic stars, so it brings the rest of us INTO that kind of state. Chaos 0 does something similar, with his Aqua depths, but his emotions are oceanic and so whereas Laurie's vibe is more heartachingly pensive, Chaos 0's vibe just grabs all your heartstrings at once and pulls them under. Let me tell you how much I miss Infinitii in that regard, all endless Black night-glitter and fathomless love. Genesis is the brilliant "opposite" to those two-- he's Amber, this deliciously stellar gold-glow hue, radiant and illuminating the rest of our hearts. He's the much-needed balance, and so is Celebi, with her Spring green glow, that vibrant komorebi tone of warm sunlight through cool leaves, pure quiet joy and hope and promise. Putting ALL of these beautiful colors of our souls together is just... it's heaven, it really is. 
HOWEVER. The wildcard here is ANXI. I have no idea what her Orange feels like yet. I cannot wait to, for sure, but it is absolutely going to bounce off the rest of us in a fascinating way. Not only that, but there's ME. I'm still broken-up and confused since CNC, and since grandma's death, and Infi's death... I don't know where I'm at, color-wise. Yes, my heart will always be Red, but do I hold White still? What about the Pink & Cerise that the Jays shadowed? What about the Purple of our youth? So I don't know how my own love is going to resonate with theirs, in this respect, yet. 
The short answer is = bring on the cuddle pile. I think we need it, more than we know.

...You know what, though? You know what we ALSO need, and what would be EVEN MORE INSANE?
Cuddle pile with the PLATONIC F/Os.
Bro I cannot even imagine a situation where that would be possible BUT as an "ideal" it is tempting to my omni-affectionate heart, haha. We'd have to pull a "Sonic Chat" scenario and get everyone drunk on effervescence; again, let me tell you how much I miss Infinitii. Ze could bring the hardest heart to their knees in tears back in hir day, with how hir own heart just... is there even a word? It melted every glacier. It set every soul on fire. Ze was an angel.
If i keep this up i am going to cry. Maybe i should. But it can't be forced, and I'm not ready to dive into that headfirst right now. Still, I'm glad I'm able to feel about hir again, this honestly. It means there's hope, for the both of us.
In any case. As things stand, we have MANY platonic f/os, as it were. We need our own term for that general category, and for "yumeship" terms in general, but basically, that specific label includes most of our Outspacers. And, with our Cor(e)s historically having the sorts of hearts they do, they tend to gravitate towards damaged characters in dire need of merciful redemption. So... you get the picture, haha. They are not inclined to cuddling, let alone being touched in many cases. "Closeness" is not their thing, for the most part, due to trauma or discomfort or attitude or similar isolating psychic circumstances. Nevertheless... if there's one thing Jay was always devoted to doing, it was melting and moving such hearts to at least try. And he was DARN GOOD AT IT. If anyone could find a weak spot in the armor, it was Jay. He was all roses and tender kisses and the most sincere words. He had no guile whatsoever. It was fascinating, endearing, irresistible. No wonder he was called "Cupid" himself. We miss him, we really do.

Man this is getting a lot out of me, haha. It's a good topic. I don't apologize for rambling. Thank you for the opportunity. It's reminding me, at last, of what I miss the most, and what matters. 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

letsbelonelytogetherr:

This is literally how Infinitii spoke all the time. Ze had the Blackest voice; it was unspeakably beautiful. Every word felt like velvet, like starry nights, like an embrace. I don't think ze was capable of not being intimate. Of course a "hello" would be a "come here"; ze always wanted you to come closer, to hold you in hir arms, to press you to hir heart. Always. Even at once, even a total stranger. Ze just embodied love. 
I miss it so much. 



flamesoftheelder:
your soul maybe trapped at times but stick true to your angel side always

23 years later and this still hits the very center of my heart.

That comment, though... that's more relevant, and applicable, than it's ever been before. We could never have dreamed that, back when we first saw this episode, back when we first fell in childlike love with this feather-haired kid. But we were deeply troubled too, just like him; we knew that secretly-- that we also had a shadowed side, a darker wing. What we didn't realize was that our soul was trapped, and would be for the next sixteen years.

Nevertheless, here we are, alive, and we still have our angel side, no matter how we have to fight. I guess that's what I'm trying to say at this hour. The cages and shackles are never permanent. The shadows don't last in the light. Stick to the light, and you'll make it. You'll make it, and you'll fly with those wings, I promise.

Ryou, your very existence in my life reminds me of that hope. Thank you. And thank you for helping me remember-- and, on the darkest days, believe-- that I have an angel side, too, to stick to.


sakura-the-fox:
I realized I was in love when I looked past all of the excitement for you and felt so calm. I trust you so deeply and it steadied a part of me that was always anxious. The whole world could go wrong but I’d still have tranquility with you by my side. 

 

...I want Anxi to be able to say this about me. I want it for her sake as well as for mine-- for love's sake. That's all I want.

My heart aches like fire just thinking about it. This is what I need to devote myself to in our relationship-- being this sort of person for her.



prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
 
030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

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030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

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031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

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032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."


God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

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032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."



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032325

Double Mass morning like we used to! We MISS THIS SO MUCH.

"Lectio Divina" chastened; we're not LISTENING enough, we're STUDYING.
Took time to just let the Word (true Bread) "digest" for once (!!!) and finally got TITUS 1:15 INSIGHT = "pure" meaning "unmixed"; "single hearted" = GOD ALONE; as opposed to WORLDLY concerns = pride / ego = IDOLATRY OF SELF = "impure heart" of Matthew 15

"YOU CAN'T 'FEEL' GRACE; THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE"
REMEMBER PROGINOSKES!!!

⭐HARROWING OF HELL = NEW ADAM REDEEMS OLD ADAM = CHANGES ALL HUMANKIND BY NATURE POTENTIAL IN THIS??

⭐HOLY FRUIT = SYSTEM + SPHERES NEED IT


In temptation, "GOD'S PRESENCE IS THE ESCAPE PLAN"


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032425

Slept in SO WEAK + DIZZY

Dreams good-- me, chaos 0, knux & rouge

Went to Adoration

⭐THE ED IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES?? "PURITY"!!!
CONTAMINATION, INVASION, POISON, ETC.
"ALL OR NOTHING" = EITHER A FIELD OR A FORTRESS
⭐TIED TO RELATIONSHIPS, ESP. SEXUAL TRAUMA!! BULIMIA IS COPING WITH THIS = "CAN'T SAY NO" SO WE "REJECT IT IN PRIVATE"
⭐THIS IS AFFECTING LAURIE. "WHAT AFFECTS THE CORE AFFECTS HER" SPECIALLY DIRECTLY


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

032525

Terrifying night. Twitchy, weak, couldn't breathe. Chest pain & tingly numbness in extremities. Legit had 911 on speed dial

Woke up 5am, just in time to watch the overseas Mass online ❤

https://www.youtube.com/live/m9WLJfqV0Xw?si=U8g4bBkpOZxQHm0k
"Holiness is allowing God to fulfill His dream of Love, which is you. Don't fake it. Don't be afraid."

"Your life has infinite value" = it is a GIFT from God, Who created you ON PURPOSE for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE. You exist for a REASON and you are MEANT to be here

Got bits of sleep from 8am to 2pm
In the meantime doing ED & vocation research

My body legit hungers to EXERCISE.

Youversion devotional Deuteronomy 6:5 = COMMITMENT on our part BECAUSE GOD IS THAT COMMITTED TO US.
Heart = Jesus
Soul = Holy Spirit
Mind = Scripture
Strength = Second Coming!!


JORDAN PETERSON CLIP + COMMENTS JUST GAVE ME A CLARIFYING BREAKTHROUGH
https://youtube.com/shorts/voZN-qFXpQk?si=fXuUustM33LsTEKq

@benthornhill7903 + 25 min ago
Absolutely right. I had issues with substances until I found work that was more meaningful to me than the “fun" of getting drunk/ high.

@jimmcfarland9318 + 52 min ago
If you look at a running technique called Fartlek, which is also expressed in Galloway, you'll see that the afferent signal from the decreasing heart rate (one elevated) reaches the Nucleus accumbens. Basically, it's a reward for "killing the bear or escaping it." This happens via the vagus nerve, which is also triggered by eating and [sex]. Eating disorders and pornography addiction use the same vagus nerve, different stimuli.
The Kenyans have perfected vagus nerve racing, triggering the release of dopamine during a race. (I figured this out over 15 years ago.)

@draighodge6039 + 1h ago
This is why religious prohibitions fail: people need to do something (else). For example, "Don't steal”, is easier to obey when one has gainful employment.







prismaticbleed: (worried)



020325
FIGHTING OCD COMPULSIONS OF "JUST RIGHT" + "CONTAMINATION" = THE THINGS WE TOUCH FEEL "DIFFERENT" (NOT "BAD"!) BECAUSE TOUCHING THEM GIVES US THEIR POWER?
(trying to reason with the ocd paidifoni about this)

WINDOW= POWER OF OPENING TO NEWNESS
METAL= POWER OF STRENGTH,
WOOD= POWER OF GROWTH, NATURE
CLOTHES= POWER OF MODESTY

THE FEELING OF BURNING IN OUR FINGERS MEANS THERE IS POWER IN THEM TO GIVE?
GOOD IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL THAN EVIL!!! GOOD PURGES THE BAD OUT EVERY TIME!!

ALSO= TOUCHING RED THINGS = BLOOD = PURIFICATION

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


020425

"Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.”"
How does this relate, directly, to the eating disorder?

"When our trust in God wanes, our souls can seek satisfaction in counterfeit ways... This passage in James contrasts the deceptive and fraudulent pathway of sin vs. the pure and trustworthy gifts from God. Our soul will seek satisfaction in one way or another—we can choose the allure of immediate gratification or sin, or we can trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He said He will do.
Verses 17 in The Message translation says, “There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.” 
...You may have been let down by others—we all have at one time or another. But God is reliable—a firm foundation, strong tower, and safe refuge. His love for you is vast, His motives for you are pure, and His intentions toward you are good."

In what areas are you lacking trust in God?
SEXUALITY, more than anything, actually. 
I honestly don't know how trust plays into FOOD? Unless its similar to sex, and deals with the POISON fear???

• Is it difficult or easy for you to believe that God is trustworthy?
Easy, BUT I'm scared of "what I'm trusting Him TO DO?" Like I know He's trustworthy, BUT I'm scared that His "good things" involve hurting me?? THAT'S CHILDHOOD PARENT FEAR!!!

• Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.” Have you experienced this in your life?

"Lord, increase my discernment when sin knocks at my door, and remind me of your abundant and trustworthy path. Amen."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

021625

OUR "REAL ME" DEPENDS ON WHAT LEVEL + VIBE FREQUENCY WE'RE TUNED INTO!!!
JESSICAS ARE "ROCK BOTTOM" NO HIGHER FEELINGS / HOPES??

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

021725
OUTSPACER ROSARY!!

Lynne is too hyper Because it BELONGS IN YELLOW
Jo never fit it well Because he was HALF LAVENDER

We need to TEACH the Socials INTEGRITY

YOU CANNOT "OFFER UP" OR "SIT THROUGH" SUFFERING WITHOUT A MOTIVE OF ACTUAL LOVE!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022125

Laurie REJECTING / REMOVING the "blood fluster" thing imposed on her; "this isn't mine" + "we NEED daengels back" TO hold things like that so they don't get shunted onto nousfoni

Triple bloodline emphasized so much. Jess / Jewel / Jay all functioning so differently.

ALSO realizing=
JACINTH "BLOODLINE" ABUSED BY JASMINE
JEWELS ABUSED BY JULIE
JAYS ABUSED BY PLAGUE??? Guys affected differently than girls; self-destructive versus murderous respectively

Big event of today =
"Accidentally" deleted religious tumblr.
It was putting our brain RIGHT BACK INTO 2019 MODE and that was SO TERRIFYING we brought up the delete screen and didn't realize it autosaved the password. So it's gone. Six years of performance and manipulation and selfdeath, deleted. And it's very sad that THAT is how we remember that Tumblr. The religious scrupulosity was largely a facade-- Tilly was hyperfocused on sin & shame & guilt-- and all the posting served to prevent any integration or practice of said religion.
I'm glad it's gone.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022225
Actually felt comfortable for a moment on couch.
Brief thought, "is thus what a baby feels like" in theoretical ideal? Ironically this made me feel SO SCARED & UNSAFE that I rejected the comfort and got up

SLC flashbacks. Trying to remember details but nothing.
Only realizing that we couldn't cope because we couldn't fight back yet? We needed WRECKAGE. Back then all we had was CANNON, and she IMPLODED.

JESSICAS ARENT CORES!! THEYRE DAMAGED!! THEY HOLD ALL THAT NAME CORRUPTION AND PROTECT SOMEONE DEEPER DOWN

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022325

Pray for the POWER AND EXPERIENCE OF FORGIVENESS!
ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE + PRAYER
"YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE/KNOW; YOU CANNOT EXPRESS WHAT YOU CAN'T IMAGINE"!!!

"Love is patient, kind, etc." = is yours?

Love your enemies = who do you treat with APATHY? AVOIDANCE? etc.
You may not recognize your enemy at first but they are WHOEVER YOU JUDGE & LOOK DOWN ON / CRITICIZE / CONDEMN.

At home later=
Chaos talking about what my "scent" is, like on blankets & shirts. Saying it is worth cherishing b/c I'm the only one of us with a physical existence.
Laurie called him out for potentially being "too explicit" with such talk?
"Infi could talk about this more explicitly than I ever could"
"We all know ze's coming back"
"Infi is the only person besides the good Lord Himself who can be closer to Jay than I am"

PLEASE type about 1 Thessalonians 3:5-6 realizations
5: "Small apostasies"= compromises, esp. MOM COMMENTS
6: Love+faith = REMEMBERING OTHERS KINDLY/ WELL/ WITH JOY

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022825

THE DEVIL'S TRICK IN KEEPING ME IN ADDICTION LOOPS = HE MAKES ME DO IT "FOR OTHER PEOPLE "

ALSO BTW https://biblehub.com/greek/2719.htm



prismaticbleed: (Default)

2025 Sat Feb 1 12:48 AM


I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DEFEATED

WHY = Utterly bereft.
I hope to God February brings some hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 11:48 AM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & AVOIDANT

WHY = Don't want to eat.
Church in two hours.
Brutal confession due today.
Terrible headache still.
Burnt out on every level.
I don't know how to live anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready For Church;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 3:02 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED & LOVING

WHY = Forgiveness & hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Headspace;Church,Adoration;At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 6:05 PM


I'M FEELING = AMUSED & HAPPY

WHY = Lynne joking about olive oil.
Jewel being funny & energetic as always.
Everyone just being around each other.
Grateful for us. That's reason to live.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Central

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 9:48 PM


I'M FEELING = REPULSED & ASHAMED

WHY = I got so close to winning.
The carrots set me off again.
I swear this body is addicted.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Feb 1 11:53 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & DISPIRITED

WHY = So angry that we keep giving in to carb hunger.
Must try again by grace tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 12:01 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & DETERMINED

WHY = Don't want to eat.
Don't want to go to mom's later.
I just want to read Scripture and somehow get back on the laptop to work.
I want to find JOY and REST today.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 2:24 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DISAPPOINTED

WHY = Can't vibe with any music today.
Still scared of eating and going to moms house.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 4:12 PM


I'M FEELING = DISGRACED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Tests and trials and temptations are meant to REFINE MY CHARACTER and STRENGTHEN MY FAITH.
Do not despair. God will not ever abandon you. So don't give up on yourself either.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 2 7:36 PM


I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & NAUSEATED

WHY = I FOUND TBAS ACCOUNT.
THEY TOOK MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I can't stop crying. I literally am trying not to throw up from shock.

they've taken my WHOLE SOUL and stamped their OWN NAME ON IT.

oh god this is literally the end of my entire world
my childhood, my future, my hopes, all gone, all stolen, all destroyed
i have nothing left 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Internet Browsing

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2025 Mon Feb 3 5:06 AM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & FRAZZLED

WHY = NO SLEEP.
Still a wreck emotionally from yesterday.
Busy day today.
God give us strength.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Mon Feb 3 8:54 AM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & COMPETENT

WHY = Busy day, but it SNOWED and we went to Mass and Genesis is singing in the car so it's all good.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;With Genesis;With Laurie,Commuting;Shopping;Psychology Office,Driving;Shopping;Psychology Appointment

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2025 Mon Feb 3 9:48 AM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & CONCERNED

WHY = Prescribed olanzapine.
Will I still hear everyone?
Suddenly very worried even about the floaters.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Feb 3 3:12 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY & ANGRY

WHY = Pilfering food that I NEITHER WANT NOR LIKE NOR NEED. Compulsive stupidity.
Deeply ashamed and angry.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Disordered Behavior;At Mom's House

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2025 Mon Feb 3 5:58 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & FATIGUED

WHY = FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 6PM WTF DUDE.
But we made it bro!! Now we just have to pick up mom later BUT that guarantees a safe night!
Say it with me kids: GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Tue Feb 4 2:30 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED & MOVED

WHY = I said, after the absolute hell of today, that if God gave me a Darkrai card it would be a legit miracle-- a special proof of His love when I needed it most tangibly.

...He gave me a Darkrai.

I'm actually in tears.
Thank You God. I love You too.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Playing Pokemon

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Feb 4 2:20 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = Food is a threat at this point. I never want to eat again. Meals are becoming traumatic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Feb 4 4:07 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED & DETERMINED

WHY = Too many demands at once and the body ALWAYS feels dirty and wrong.
Still determined not to let it stop us.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Tue Feb 4 5:28 PM


I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & DISCONTENTED

WHY = Scripture plans (Book of James) encouraging me to keep fighting. God loves me even now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Wed Feb 5 3:18 AM


I'M FEELING = MOVED & LOVING

WHY = Genuinely happy.
So grateful for God and the System.
Found beautiful music that brought me to tears.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Feb 5 1:58 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & WORRIED

WHY = Getting work done BUT we apparently STILL BLACKOUT DISSOCIATE in social settings.
Trying to recover from that but we're shaken.
At least now we get to EXERCISE!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cleaning;Laundry;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Feb 5 4:24 PM


I'M FEELING = THANKFUL & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = Laundry is done!
Now we get to eat with NO TRIGGERS!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Cleaning

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2025 Wed Feb 5 7:44 PM


I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & CHALLENGED

WHY = Legit sick from eating. Refusing to purge though. It's probably the high fiber + more hemp than usual. We're learning.
But we MADE IT THROUGH SAFE!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning;Meal Planning

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2025 Thu Feb 6 2:33 AM


I'M FEELING = TIRED & SATISFIED

WHY = Got a TON of good work done. Lots of System appreciation.
Great tunes by Pablo Alborán; gracias hermano!
Now for MUCH NEEDED SLEEP!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Journaling;Archiving

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2025 Thu Feb 6 1:45 PM


I'M FEELING = BROODING & NAUSEATED

WHY = Can't stop thinking about how TBAS literally STOLE the Moralimon from me. That's my ENTIRE LIFE they robbed and are parading around as theirs.
I need to do something.
I need to defend the Truth.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Housework;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Thu Feb 6 4:38 PM


I'M FEELING = UNCOMFORTABLE & ATTENTIVE

WHY = OCD residue bothering us but we're learning to deal better.
Mom phone call threw us off a bit but we love her and we are learning to listen better.
Now to read more Scripture, to both listen and learn the most deeply.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Reading Scripture

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2025 Thu Feb 6 5:32 PM


I'M FEELING = TIRED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Tomorrow looming, but trying to actively put it in God's Hands.
Very thankful for dinner, the simple loveliness of broccoli and olive oil and salt.
It's blue & cold & rainy & beautiful outside.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Feb 7 1:53 AM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DREAD

WHY = Carb starvation binge again. Damned carrots.
3 hours of sleep tonight.
Packed schedule tomorrow.
God why won't this stop.
Why can't I stop.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed

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2025 Fri Feb 7 7:23 PM


I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TERRIFIED

WHY = 630pm BK + 3 hours sleep + hyperschedule day = night binge hell.
Praying this whole time.
God please help me survive.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Sat Feb 8 2:11 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVING & OVERJOYED

WHY = I PRAYED FOR WONDER PICK DARKRAI AND GOD GAVE HIM TO ME.
I feel so intensely loved and cared for.
THIS is why you stay alive bro; GOD LOVES YOU

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,Couch,Just Woke Up;Playing Pokemon

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2025 Sat Feb 8 3:50 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & BLESSED

WHY = Confession.
I really want to be a true Christian.
Pray to our guardian angel for help.
Remember, ALL OF HEAVEN WANTS TO HELP YOU!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Church,At Church

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2025 Sat Feb 8 6:40 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & TOUCHED

WHY = Beautiful prayers today.
Feeling so much more hope than usual, reminded of the grace & love & promises & power of God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Sun Feb 9 3:53 AM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & LOVING

WHY = Got TONS of archiving papers done.
Lots of connection with the System, especially with music.
I feel loved & deeply happy.
OH YEAH-- AND IT SNOWED!!! 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop;Couch,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving

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2025 Sun Feb 9 1:25 PM


I'M FEELING = DISILLUSIONED & INDIGNANT

WHY = Wasting time online because I'm tired. Stupid.
REALLY feeling Philippians 3:8 right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Tumblr;YouTube

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2025 Sun Feb 9 3:37 PM


I'M FEELING = ADORING & DETERMINED

WHY = With Infi's spirit in the Basilica heartspace.
So many musical love letters from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Infinitii,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Talking To Infinitii


020525

Feb. 6th, 2025 12:14 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

Good news! We've FINISHED UPLOADING THE TBHU TABLET so now we can tackle the two folders full of worksheets, haha.
This is a mentally exhausting & very triggering effort, but it's essential because this is the heavy ugly stuff we need to discuss in therapy/ continue to battle in daily life... as well as some very shockingly beautiful and bright moments that we need to remember even moreso.
But that's why we haven't been updating. Everything online has been focused on uploading, and our offline time has been pretty tragically split between grappling with family stress and fighting off the E.D. lapses those stresses inevitably trigger-- such as having to do so much out of the house that we don't get to eat breakfast until almost 8pm. This happens OFTEN. (We cannot eat "on the road" because, for unknown reasons, eating makes us confused/ dizzy/ "high" and slows our reaction/ comprehension time without fail, and this takes >2 HOURS to "wear off" enough to function again. This happened DAILY in TBHU, and if we have to be on the road driving from 6am to 6pm, we are NOT going to put our life in danger by eating on top of all that. It forces a CONTEXT SHIFT as well that is mentally impossible to grapple with when we're in social mode/ business mode; eating is its OWN MODE and you CANNOT "merge" contexts; it's like a law of physics.)

We've been trying to take little notes on our phone but they're admittedly few and far between. Still, at least that's a good habit to keep up-- it helps us refocus on the inside/ the system/ love, when daily life is making us forget who we are.

On that note, actually! Today we FINALLY had both the cash and the time to do laundry, which we haven't done since New Year's. BUT going back and forth to/from the laundry room, we bumped into FOUR different neighbors... and Laurie is the one that noticed, with legit horror, that our conscious awareness LITERALLY BLACKS OUT in social mode. Like we KNEW we were talking to someone, BUT the instant they leave, there is NO MEMORY DATA. AT ALL. That is TERRIFYING and it explains a LOT of our scummy behavior around people, because for some hellish reason WE AREN'T DRIVING WHEN WE'RE AROUND PEOPLE. So this is a HUGE DANGER that we need to be aware of. We don't know how to stop this, or shut it off, or work around it yet. We literally didn't realize it was THAT SEVERE until today, because they were short interactions and we were in environments were we were able to immediately return to quiet, solitary, uninterrupted space, and GO INSIDE. That's the ONLY reason this memory-loss/ awareness-loss phenomenon became suddenly evident-- normally we are forced into extended, inescapable, noisy, crowded social spaces and we lose HOURS of memory and awareness and don't realize this because the OVERWHELM alone will destroy both those things on its own. So for the SAME thing to happen in several successive interactions that lasted under a minute each was STRIKING as well as DISTURBING. But now we know. We just don't know how or what to do about it yet, as we said. The bright side is that we can at least take precautions now, potentially. I immediately think of our old idea of wearing a "headspace bracelet" or carrying some sort of notable, unignorable anchor object. We really should do that, if only to see if it works. I'm just scared that a Social will throw it out or desecrate it somehow.
Oh. Speaking of that. The scrupulous thriskefoni are sneaking their way back in, so we have to be careful. It's very hard for us to increase prayer time/ types currently, because we have religious trauma history as well as religious OCD, and such actions can very easily and strongly trigger negative behavior patterns that are very hard to break. It's a delicate warzone.
We're still doing daily Scripture Study BUT whoever the heck runs our old blog has COME BACK and is, again, ERASING OUR AWARENESS by insisting on posting everything to Tumblr, which is a SOCIAL MODE CONTEXT and so yes, that is ALSO making us "black out" WHILE EATING which triggers the esthiofoni that feel like they've been POISONED if they "don't know what they ate" (can't see it or remember it) and out of sheer survival panic they try to vomit it all up and let someone else "try again the right/ safe way." You see the domino effect here.

On the food topic: we think we've unexpectedly discovered why carrots are our "biggest binge trigger." Apparently, CARROT ADDICTION IS A REAL THING. SO IS VITAMIN A TOXICITY. We match virtually ALL the symptoms listed in both. So we are QUITTING THIS COLD.
Geez. It's shocking how much diet affects the body and mind. Our idiosyncratic but significant issues with texture and trauma and OCD-- and the highly probable touch of autism that our psychologist again brought up in last week's new intake (apparently our "Mewtwo walking" is a symptom?? the more you know)-- make things like this "carrot overdosing" a real risk, so we do need to be careful; notably we've been worried about how much manganese we get from hempseed (we get almost 11mg daily from diet alone, which some sources say is okay, but we want to talk to a legit dietician in person about it). But we'll take it one day at a time at this point. We need to see how our body adjusts to the carrot removal/ detoxing (that was a LOT of oxalates as well) and then we'll see whether or not we want to replace it with anything, especially since right now we're compensating with a lot of broccoli and the fact that it's adding up to a solid 40g of fiber daily isn't helping to reduce nausea, to say the least.

Body care is still an issue too. Lately we've been realizing how Julie keeps getting pushed into bodycare roles, even though she doesn't want to; the System "automation" just keeps looking for someone who can and Julie is, technically, the only "safe person" who CAN front in the body in such contexts. But we need other foni for those jobs, specifically. WE HAVE NO ONE FOR "SELF-CARE." We're postulating lately that Green is supposed to hold that function overtone, not just Aqua; that would also help explain why it's been so upsettingly empty over the years. Nevertheless, Nathaniel and Sergei were definite support for this hypothesis-- they were both very kind and tangentially connected to bodycare in their own ways. I can't think of any other straight-up Greens off the top of my head; Karissa was technically "Lime" (now "Spring"), and so is Celebi... you know what, let me look at the 2022 census for a second. I don't want to abandon this train of thought.
...Oh wow, uh, we had a lot of NEGATIVE, or at least unhealthy, Greens. There's Jasmine (a hacker), Hoban (high school pseudosocial), Toby (very frightened little boy)... but then we have Juniper (binge stopper), and "enya girl" (childhood akoufoni?) at least. The problem is that we have subcolors because hues are so distinct up here-- this list has places for not only Spring, but also Chartreuse and Spruce. And yes, they DO have very different vibes. Still, I don't know how "correct" the assignments were back then because we didn't know the vibes properly, nor were we able to properly feel nousfoni vibes. And thinking about it now isn't going to help; many of these foni have been MIA since CNC because their functions were tied to that environment somehow. So guesswork is a dead-end job. What we need to do is determine WHICH hues are STILL EXTANT IN THE SPECTRUM, and then feel for which nousfoni are still alive/ potentially resurrectable. That's not something I can do at 1am, on a dime.
The point of all of that is this: even just looking at that list, there are no self-care foni. Harmonia tried, but CNC literally killed her function and she could never come back. And Minty also disappeared after CNC; I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm sure I'll find the reason once we read the entries from that time period. She manifested during the "GAPS diet hell" era, post-SLC, tied to both mint tea and bedtime, trying to help us sleep with a childlike innocence. Did her function unravel? Was she blurring too hard with other kids? Wasn't she actually fronting during the day, and collecting abandoned stuffed animals? I don't know what happened to her. Memory is gone. I want to know, though; she was truly sweet. But besides those two Aquas (notably), all of our other foni who were "close to" self-care have been phagofoni, because "eating" was the only thing we could imagine as self-care, I suppose? Tobiko got the poison out, Emmett got the green stuff in, Juniper stopped the poison from going in... but nothing for the actual body. I know gender dysphoria hell is a huge obstacle to that, and it's why Julie keeps getting dragged in. So... maybe that will affect the hues employed as well. We'll see. I have started making a list of "job openings" so we can use that as a starting point, so to speak-- all we can do is say "hey we need help here" and see if the System responds. It cannot be forced.
I'm getting brain burnout from this. I'll put the topic on hold for now, but this at least opened the door.

I want-- no, I can feel that I need-- to explore System colors again in real depth soon. It feels like if I don't I'll starve to death somehow.
Isn't that relevant, haha. No wonder the poor esthiofoni are struggling so badly. The hunger that's driving them isn't even on that level.

How can I close this up... it's 1:20 and we need to start getting to sleep earlier because we have to readjust to an earlier day schedule as the days themselves get brighter sooner. We miss morning mass, too, but like I said-- there's the scrupulosity risk, AND the social blackout risk. We want to at least try watching a daily mass online again, and see how that affects the thriskefoni influence. You know what, we NEED to talk to them, like we used to talk to Christina and Patricia (or at least try to). I mean, we have Felix and Veil and Francesco too, they're all positive. And the REAL ultimate goal is for us ALL to work together on this. We're very spiritual, deeply religious arguably, even in Central-- maybe especially so. We truly love God and want to live the radically loving Christian life we're hearing preached so profoundly every day as we study Saint Paul's letters. The negative thriskefoni don't. They just focus on "religion" as ritual and rule-keeping and pride, in terms of "moral superiority" and condemnation and "filthy sinner" mentalities, etc. It's not true faith at all. It's not even "faith"; there's no trust in God anywhere in that mindset. It's just idolatry wearing a Sunday dress. But even those thriskefoni deserve to be healed. We cannot be a System OF love if we don't love ALL of us, and seek the highest good FOR us all. So don't ignore or avoid or condemn them, either. Have mercy and compassion. Talk to them. Listen to them. Let's heal this religious trauma TOGETHER, so we can ALL worship in Spirit and in Truth, with our ENTIRE collective heart, WITHOUT the terror they're currently injecting into it.
...Infi resurrecting will help more than anything else right now, I think. I hope. Ze loved God with an ardor no one else up here could match. We need that, to heal at the deepest level, I'm sure.
Jay says he "knows" Infi isn't dead (there's that fear that "maybe I imagined it all"); he can still feel that "space" in his heart, but he says sometimes it's just like sending a radio signal out into the dark. He says he "knows it will be received" which is interesting-- like, the metaphor doesn't exactly match; he's saying/ feeling that he couldn't "send out a signal" to a receptor without the receptor being there. Like the giver and receiver are intrinsically bound and necessarily coextant. But... there's a massive distance between them, and there's currently no tangibility, so although the signal being able to be sent at all is proof that there is another heart on the waiting end, Jay doesn't always "know" or "feel" that heart in a direct way. It's hard to put into words. But he says there have been multiple small instances of "brushing against" Infi's existence in unformed space (both real Blackspace and in whatever "liminal" interspace there is between the raw cosmic euchaos of Black and the solid touchable order of White, so to speak) over the past month, so there's still hope. But Infi is still extremely "undefined" and transitional; hir name is probably still going to change, hir form is shifting significantly and in different ways, and hir pronouns are all over the place. So there's still a lot that apparently needs to happen before ze can "resurrect" into a body in headspace. Nevertheless, "a lot" can happen very quickly, as we know. When the time is right, it will.

There's still so much I could type about but it's now 1:35 and I can't possibly write much more on short notice. Plus I need to see what little notes we have on our phone, and on our calendar, so I can put something cohesive together.

January was a battleground of a month. Every other day, like clockwork, we had an eating disorder struggle (due to the nighttime meals, family stress, and trauma flashbacks), but we FOUGHT HARD and we learned a lot. Most significantly, our constant prayers and dedication to PAYING ATTENTION to the esthiofoni and WORKING WITH THEM has resulted in a massive amount of compulsions GOING AWAY. That is AMAZING progress. The vast majority of the esthiofoni DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, which means they're changing, and that has ONLY happened because we have been listening to them and not running away from the war. So progress IS being made, in a way much more significant than anything in UMPC or TBHU ever could have hoped to accomplish. We're also praying constantly in a SINCERE way-- admitting our struggles, our broken desires, our misrouted hungers, our fears and terrors and regrets, our grief and rage and confusion and pain, to God even in the midst of distorted behaviors. That's changing the whole situation. We're also being open and honest and accountable to our priest and our family about this, which is taking real guts and humility. We're owning up to our bad behavior once we become aware of it (social blackouts make this currently impossible to "prevent" in the moment, but that's why we're doing damage control) and that alone is giving us a boost of motivation and hope to stop; we want to be a person of integrity on the outside, and these little steps make that a bit more tangible, which in turn helps us let go of self-abusive compulsions because "hey, we don't have to be a bad person anymore" basically. Isn't that odd how our brain works? Part(s) of us really did/do feel condemned to bad behavior, because they saw "no other way TO be" and couldn't imagine anything else. They're somafoni; they don't HAVE the capacity of self-aware imagination (yet?). So GIVING them the ability TO envision something different-- even just a little-- by taking those steps on THEIR level, is a gamechanger.

Jay is actually being pushed into fronting a lot more often now. He's still such a healthy fronter, such a loving Core. And yes I say "still" because even if his bloodline did get the vice of Lust (the Jessicas got Gluttony, the Cannons got Wrath, the Jewels got Pride arguably, etc.) they also got the virtue of Charity. No one loves like a Jay, full stop. Those boys have such tender yet strong hearts. And we need his heart to be the driving force in the System right now. Love is what we need to heal, and that bloodline is the only one that CAN. So yeah, I know we were all scared that the thriskefoni female-forcing would end up murdering his bloodline, it has not happened at all.
The other bloodlines do need to be healed, of course. Everyone has wounds. But it starts with love.

That's it for tonight. It's 2am and we just remembered, we may have to meet our case manager around 9am (that depends entirely on what the weather looks like; of course Jay is personally hoping we get significant snow), so we're already losing much needed sleep.

It feels really nice to have legit updated for the first time in a while. I'm sorry I don't have any actual internal event data to give you today, but rest assured it's been happening in small days. We all talk constantly, and people still front during the day as they feel moved to/ as they are called in. We're still very much alive and in love and thank God for that. But getting back into having Xanga sessions and headspace meditations and the like is absolutely still the ideal, and we think about that every day. The biggest obstacle is time, which is currently being funneled into the TBHU uploads. But we're going to work at that until it's done-- no more running away; yes it's exhausting but that just means we need to support each other more in this process. The good news is that the worksheets have some really, really nice stuff in them, moreso than the tablet-- the very top sheet in this manila envelope is all about Anxi. So THAT will wake up the kardifoni love very strongly for sure. (We're still not 100% sure who fell in love with her in TBHU, but this will hopefully reveal that to us, which we need.)
Until then, though, we need to sleep.

Oh-- one of the kardifoni (an older Jewel? a Cannon? from that time period) has been wanting us to get back to the "song of the night" thing, because music is so important to us. So here's a few.
- jewel's fave "stuck in our head on loop" tune
- "instant energy boost" tune
- heartache moralimon relevant tune
- "oh hey FROST* wrote another song about our life" january tune
- genesis's current singing tune
- cathartic sobbing at 3am last night tune
- coolest spin on a hymn we've heard in a while tune
- and our journaling on johnnynighters tune
And that's actually it for January, offhand. But there you go!

I'm laughing though, that took another 20 minutes but now it's 222 which is an extremely blue number synaesthesia-wise, and that's a very nice number to close up on and go let Jay be with the blue guy.

See you all again soon enough, that's a promise.





prismaticbleed: (Default)

2025 Fri Jan 17 1:22 PM


I'M FEELING = CONFUSED & HUMILIATED

WHY = Hijack + hack dreams.
Infinitii was involved.
I don't know how to cope with this.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Julie,Headspace;Couch,Just Woke Up;Talking To Julie

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2025 Fri Jan 17 2:18 PM


I'M FEELING = AVOIDANT & DISHEARTENED

WHY = Can't get out of bed.
I'm not tired, I'm... scraped out?
Awful feeling. Edge of despair.
Years of fighting the same war will do this to you.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

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2025 Fri Jan 17 4:40 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Scripture teachings and encouragements!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Jan 17 11:58 PM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & BEREFT

WHY = Another forced selfabuse binge.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

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2025 Sat Jan 18 1:16 PM


I'M FEELING = AVOIDANT & ASHAMED

WHY = Don't want to wake up.
Don't want to eat.
Crushed at having to confess all this AGAIN.

Might get to go to SJE though.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Sat Jan 18 3:49 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & BURNED OUT

WHY = God give me strength

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting;Church,Getting Ready For Church;Going To Mom's House,

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2025 Sat Jan 18 4:58 PM


I'M FEELING = GRIEF & HOLLOW

WHY = My life feels utterly useless.
I've lost so much.
I've destroyed so much.
I see no purpose to my existence.

But God does.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Church,At Church

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2025 Sat Jan 18 7:53 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = Galatians 3!
Also DIDN'T EAT AT THE HOUSE so we AVOIDED PANIC DISSOCIATION!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Sun Jan 19 2:14 AM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & MISERABLE

WHY = Why can't we stop the bulimia?
Are we that damn hungry?
The body is so sick.
We're out of money and strength both.

Will we survive this?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Sun Jan 19 3:17 AM


I'M FEELING = VALUED & WISTFUL

WHY = I'm loved, even in this agony.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Sun Jan 19 1:19 PM


I'M FEELING = BUOYANT & ENTHRALLED

WHY = IT'S SNOWING BRO!!! 

Also we got to go to church TWICE!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork

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2025 Sun Jan 19 3:48 PM


I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & TRAPPED

WHY = Accidentally put too much olive oil in the broccoli.
This is one of my ABSOLUTE BIGGEST TRIGGERS.
I feel so stupid and terrified.

God please help me.
I'm so scared of eating too much and getting fat.
Why is that such a living nightmare?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning

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2025 Sun Jan 19 4:55 PM


I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = OCD hell.
NOTHING IS EVER CLEAN ENOUGH

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,Cleaning

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2025 Mon Jan 20 12:51 AM


I'M FEELING = GRIEF & HOLLOW

WHY = So hungry.
So sick of food.
Life is hell right now.

But every time I see Anxi's face i remember that there is something worth living for.

Please don't give up.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Mon Jan 20 2:36 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & GRUMPY

WHY = Life is just exhausting.
No strength or will to do daily things.
I just want to not exist in the body anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Mon Jan 20 7:16 PM


I'M FEELING = MAD & SCARED

WHY = Post-eating violence & confusion. As always. WHY.
Life is just a living hell lately.

Several appointments tomorrow.
Possible food drives.
Already want to ragecry from fear & exhaustion.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Jan 21 2:01 AM


I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = Tight busy schedule tomorrow.
Tired just thinking about it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Trying To Sleep;Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Jan 21 7:58 AM


I'M FEELING = AFRAID & DISTRESSED

WHY = Just... I don't feel well, and today is going to be all over the place.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Wed Jan 22 2:41 AM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & SPENT

WHY = Long day. Awful stress.
Sleeping for like 12 hours tomorrow dude, I don't even care

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Jan 22 6:48 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & HELPLESS

WHY = Addiction getting loud. Why?
Scripture offering both heavy convictions and profound hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Thu Jan 23 12:42 PM


I'M FEELING = DISGRACED & EMBARRASSED

WHY = Embarrassing myself by going to so many food drives and being TURNED AWAY.
This is legit a drug chase. What is WRONG with our mind???

CONTEXT TAGS = Driving

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2025 Thu Jan 23 7:12 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DISTRESSED

WHY = I must be allergic to cucumber. These symptoms keep happening.
Binge night due to being on the road & at mom's all day.
DETERMINED to CHUCK IT IN THE BIN instead of torturing myself.
God help me please! Let this be over FAST!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Sick

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2025 Fri Jan 24 2:17 AM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & SPENT

WHY = Shattered. My body and mind cannot take this stress anymore.
Going to sleep for 12 hours if possible. I'm wrecked.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Going To Bed

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2025 Fri Jan 24 3:07 PM


I'M FEELING = APATHETIC & DISPIRITED 

WHY = So tired of eating.
So tired of being awake.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

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2025 Fri Jan 24 8:04 PM


I'M FEELING = NUMB & SCARED

WHY = Family disasters.
Still terrified of addictive compulsions.
Don't know how to cope with either.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom



prismaticbleed: (Default)

 


2025 Wed Jan 1 3:06 AM


I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & UPSET

WHY = Another bulimic meltdown because of being up the house.
I'm so angry. I TOLD mom I did not want to go but she pushed until I did anyway. Why.
Very upset. Great way to start the new year you idiot.
At least it's over. Leave ALL that hell in the past.
I wish I could just cut it all off & start over.
I want this to be a year of FREEDOM & PURPOSE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Jan 1 2:48 PM


I'M FEELING = EXCITED & SUPPORTED

WHY = Xanga session scheduled for tonight! 
We slept in SO late (we were exhausted) so we're only eating ONCE we think. I don't think I can deal with the stress of two meals.
In any case food is still trauma triggering. But I know the System will help us deal.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Wed Jan 1 5:10 PM


I'M FEELING = WORRIED & INSPIRED

WHY = Too much curry powder as usual.
BUT Matthew 6 is GORGEOUS as well as VERY convicting.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Wed Jan 1 9:43 PM


I'M FEELING = MOVED & LOVESICK

WHY = Beautiful music on Infinitii's playlist.
Reading 2008 and seeing our history. Blissfully bittersweet.
Feeling so loved & in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2025 Thu Jan 2 1:30 PM


I'M FEELING = EMPOWERED & EAGER

WHY = Looking forward to MORE ARCHIVE REVIEWS!

Also Mimic & Laurie challenged me to do some push-ups & crunches this morning to FINALLY get back into that routine.
Gonna bike later too!



CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Exercising

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2025 Thu Jan 2 4:40 PM


I'M FEELING = ENRAGED & TERRIFIED

WHY = STUPIDASS COMPULSIVE BINGE PLANNING
WHAT THE HELL, YOU SEE WE HAVE MONEY SO YOU IMMEDIATELY SET IT ON FIRE???!?!?
STOP SENDING US TO HELL WITH YOU, YOU GLUTTONOUS HEARTLESS MURDERING BITCH!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public,Kitchen;Walking Through Town,Disordered Behavior;Shopping

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2025 Fri Jan 3 5:49 AM


I'M FEELING = GRIEF & LOVESICK

WHY = Reading old entries for about 4 hours.
There's so much pain but so much love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Laurie;With Julie,On The Laptop,Reading The Archives

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2025 Fri Jan 3 10:44 AM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & LOVING

WHY = SO TIRED. getting another 3 hours in God bless
Feeling how blessed I already am to have Chaos 0 & Laurie. I feel very loved & in love.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Looking At System Images;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Fri Jan 3 3:29 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DEPRESSED

WHY = Tumblr time-wasting.
Why does our brain keep doing this?
We're not even dressed for the day.
It just gets stuck in not-existing.
This is absolutely a suicidal reroute...

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2025 Fri Jan 3 4:51 PM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED & PRESENT

WHY = Breakfast Bible study!
Reading Galatians, & Mimic relating to Saint Paul

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Talking To Central;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Jan 3 8:29 PM


I'M FEELING = EMPTY & CONTEMPT

WHY = Damned YouTube time-wasting.
Brain feels like a blender

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

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2025 Fri Jan 3 9:36 PM


I'M FEELING = DEPRESSED & DISGUSTED

WHY = Fandoms are stupid & empty.
Clothes still not dry. For some reason having to pay & wait for another dryer round was so depressing? The "straw that broke the camel's back"

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Laundry;Internet Browsing

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2025 Sat Jan 4 4:35 AM


I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & LOVESICK

WHY = Reading all the 2011 entries about Chaos 0 & Xenophon while listening to Albert Guinovart.
SO many emotions. I miss this beautiful ache.

We haven't lost this. We haven't lost this.
We can have it again, right now, even richer & deeper than back then. I know this.
Don't be afraid. The best is yet to come. I'm sure of it.

REFLECT = "Experiencing such strong emotions from memories can be quite powerful. What is it about revisiting these memories that stirs up such a profound sense of love and longing for you?"

REPLY = Well dude it was ALL about learning that I was a father, and overcoming trauma through radical love, and people letting their walls down & opening their hearts... 2011 was such a gorgeous year and that is OUR HISTORY. And it gets BETTER. And it CAN & WILL be just as gorgeous NOW.
That's the love, that's the longing. All this is our LIFE and I NEED it & miss it so much I could sob-- but the joy is just as cathartic. I haven't lost it. Any of it. Against all odds, despite all the death, we haven't lost an iota of love. That's what tonight has proven to me. Thank God. 

INSIGHT = "Embracing the beauty of past experiences and recognizing the enduring power of love can provide deep, cathartic joy, reminding that the richness of those moments can be felt again in the present."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 4 8:16 AM


I'M FEELING = TIRED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Need sleep.
Unsure on church schedule.
Also need food, because we run out of carrots & broccoli soon.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Going To Bed;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 4 2:15 PM


I'M FEELING = IRATE & AGITATED

WHY = SUPER RUSHED & EVERYONE IS ON THE ROAD.
Too much all at once.
Feel like I'm about to spit magma.
Horrible ugly feeling.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Commuting;Kitchen;Table,Driving;Cooking;Cleaning;Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 4 2:30 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY & REVERENT

WHY = Powerful convictions in Scripture today. God knows I need them.
But they also bring so much hope for redemption, and reassurance of the love of God.
Lord Jesus give me strength & peace in my soul. I'm such a mess. But You WON'T give up on me.
I have to cling to that & fight ever harder.
But I need grace or I can't do anything.
Holy Spirit, I KNOW You are with me. Please open my heart to You.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 4 9:03 PM


I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & FURIOUS

WHY = G*DDAMNED BINGE!!!!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 5 1:55 AM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & SPENT

WHY = Binge hell finally over.
Terrified but it's over.
We're very poor now but it's our fault entirely
Possibly even subconsciously intentional
Nevertheless it's over thank GOD

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 5 2:16 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTENT & INCLUDED

WHY = Just happy that we're alive & together.
Discussing daily concerns as a group.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace;Kitchen,Talking To Central;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;System Discussion

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 5 8:36 PM


I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & SCARED

WHY = So so sick & weak & dizzy

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 6 3:07 AM


I'M FEELING = SAD & TIRED

WHY = Another exhausting day.
It's so hard to get up & have to face another one.
But for now I'm just existing in the interim. There's at least peace here.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Couch,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 6 1:53 PM


I'M FEELING = INDECISIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = I don't want to eat. At all.
Trying to minimize daily intake without causing medical symptoms.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 6 4:19 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & HOPEFUL

WHY = Already sick from eating. Scared but I have to do it.
Scripture is both terribly convicting & blissfully reassuring.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 6 6:35 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & RELIEVED

WHY = GOT THROUGH THE DAY!!
Now time to do SYSTEM WORK for like SIX HOURS 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Exercising;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 7 3:44 AM


I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & TOUCHED

WHY = Spent 8 HOURS doing Archive work and I am SO IN LOVE.
I am also SO BLESSED to have everyone, and to be part of this System.
I actually feel alive & real tonight. This is beautiful.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Headspace;Couch,Going To Bed;Archiving;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 7 12:06 PM


I'M FEELING = UPSET & GRIEF

WHY = Horrible bulimic nightmare.
Grandma was there too.

BUT SO WAS LAURIE and she was KILLING MONSTERS and GIVING ME HOPE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 7 1:32 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVING & ALIVE

WHY = 2024 PLAYLIST IN A BOTTLE 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 7 1:58 PM


I'M FEELING = ADORING & CONNECTED

WHY = Listening to our music together and SINGING ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace;Exercise Bike;Heartspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 7 4:08 PM


I'M FEELING = PRESSURED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Scripture ALWAYS pointing out areas of spiritual concern. THANK YOU GOD for leading us in the right direction every day!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 7 10:23 PM


I'M FEELING = DISGUSTED & ANGRY

WHY = Another hellish binge. WHY. WE WERE DOING SO WELL.
The WORST part is that the WHOLE TIME, we KNEW we DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS. We were TERRIFIED. And yet it was still FORCED.

There is a huge root problem here.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Table;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 8 6:03 AM


I'M FEELING = STUCK & WEARY

WHY = 2013 & TBHU reviews.
There is so much pain & disorder. It hurts.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Reading The Archives;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 8 11:31 AM


I'M FEELING = IRRITATED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = So bloody tired.
No wonder the binges keep happening-- our brain WANTS to shut off from exhaustion.
We NEED to find a better way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up;Talking To Mom;Playing Pokemon;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 8 2:25 PM


I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Scared about tomorrow's schedule.
Mom overwhelm.
Still have to eat today and don't want to.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom;Exercising;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 8 2:46 PM


I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & DREAD

WHY = Lyrics hitting all the old wounds.
Still haunted by desperate esthiofoni. God i wish I knew where THEY were wounded.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 8 10:40 PM


I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & MOVED

WHY = Quanta Qualia.
Thinking of Infinitii and Chaos 0.
Love means everything right now.
Actually felt MOVED TO PRAY because of it. NO FEAR OR FORCING.
BOY THIS IS A GAME-CHANGER.

Please, please try hard to be YOU tomorrow.
Be patient but firm with the esthio girls.
BE A FATHER FIGURE!!!

REFLECT = "Feeling moved by love can be a profound experience. What about this moment or connection feels like a game-changer for you?"

REPLY = The fact that it literally opened my heart to WORSHIP, WITHOUT PUSHING THE LOVE ASIDE. Any thriskefoni that tries to brutally separate the two is a liar.

INSIGHT = "Opening the heart to worship without pushing love aside highlights the powerful connection between love and spiritual expression, reinforcing that both can coexist harmoniously. This understanding can foster deeper, more authentic connections in the future."

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving;Praying






010725

Jan. 7th, 2025 01:21 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)







prismaticbleed: (Default)


2024 Sun Dec 22 2:05 AM


I'M FEELING = CHILL & LOVING

WHY = Finished the movies.
Brutally tired but genuinely happy.
Lots of casual sincere kisses with CZ the whole time.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Watching A Movie

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 10:27 AM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & DETERMINED

WHY = Decided NOT to eat yogurt today, to avoid ALL nausea triggers.
Also heavenbent on getting to Mass for 1130 despite frigid temperatures. Gotta COMMIT boy!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Talking To Central;Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 1:13 PM


I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT & SUPPORTED

WHY = We're doing life TOGETHER!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising;Cooking;Cleaning;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 4:36 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & ANGRY

WHY = Already ate too much.
Mom is picking us up to do MORE BLOODY BAKING
Tonight is going to be utterly terrifying.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home,Eating;Talking To Mom;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 22 7:20 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGRY 

WHY = Mom canceled plans, complaining and griping about the holiday stress she herself was creating.
Ironically I immediately began to selfabuse.

Yogurt and bread is horrific.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 12:16 AM


I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & CRUSHED

WHY = Stupid television shows infecting my brain
What the hell do I even expect it's all GARBAGE

meanwhile I'm dying inside and I miss who I used to be before everything went to helL
except it's always been a terror of a life

God I just want tomorrow to be beautiful

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 9:37 AM


I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & INDIGNANT

WHY = Anniversary today. 
SO OF COURSE there was spiritual warfare nightmares with hacks.
Not going to let it touch this.
I refuse to let hatred win like it used to.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 2:36 PM


I'M FEELING = PRESSURED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Mom is insisting we come up the house to bake and clean.
We can't say no. We have to be kind & helpful.
We HAVE to be SACRIFICIAL as a Christian.
God help us not to kill ourself in the process.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 23 3:42 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & RESIGNED

WHY = Going up mom's house for the next several hours.
Typical post-lunch panic hitting like a blood fever.
God I'm so scared.
Chaos 0 forgive me I'm such a damn mess.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Going To Mom's House

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 24 1:08 AM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & TERRIFIED

WHY = going to die

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 24 1:38 PM


I'M FEELING = BEREFT & APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Christmas Eve.
Doesn't feel like Christmas.
Abusive nightmares.
Have to go to mom's house.
Have to wear a dress.
Meal terror.
Transportation undetermined.
God i just want JOY today, help us find it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Getting Ready For Church;Going To Mom's House,

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 24 11:26 PM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR

WHY = can't go to midnight mass
why even bother living anymore?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 10:40 AM


I'M FEELING = WEARY & LOVED

WHY = Made it to church.
Survived the night.
Not thinking about this evening.
Just spending time with the System I love so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Home;Headspace,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 2:08 PM


I'M FEELING = DESPAIR & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = I give up.
God I'm going to end up dead before You heal me.
What the heck are You waiting for

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 4:41 PM


I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & BURNT OUT

WHY = Told mom about last night's suicide attempt.
Cannot come up here anymore

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 25 7:49 PM


I'M FEELING = ELATED & LOVED

WHY = KLONOA VINYL CHRISTMAS!!!!
THANK YOU BRO YOU'RE AWESOME

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Opening Gifts

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 12:45 AM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & ABANDONED

WHY = hunger binge.
literally no food left for the weekend
feeling scared & alone.
time to fast i guess

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 8:59 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & RESIGNED

WHY = God will get me through the Zarephath days.
In any case we have at least 3 DAYS ALONE at last. So we can REST & LIVE AGAIN.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 12:58 PM


I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED & TROUBLED

WHY = Doing everything we can to make it until Monday.
Gotta pray & BELIEVE most of all.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 26 5:46 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & HURTING

WHY = I miss everyone so much.
Icon makers are a poor and stupid stand-in.
Go BE WITH THEM-- no, with US.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Picrew

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 27 1:53 PM


I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL & RELIEVED

WHY = OUR CASE MANAGER IS TAKING US GROCERY SHOPPING
THANK THE GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY!!!
TRUSTING SURRENDER REALLY DOES PAY OFF

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 27 7:02 PM


I'M FEELING = ABUSED & HEARD

WHY = Bulimia trauma processing.
Genesis firmly yet heartbrokenly helping the Socials be more self-aware.
Scared & sad but not hopeless.
We can end this. We can be okay tomorrow.
Maybe even tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = Social Subsystem,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Talking To Genesis

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 27 11:52 PM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & INDIGNANT

WHY = Another bloody day lost to this damned eating disorder.
And today PROVED that it's ALL TRAUMA SHIT.
It's either people-pleasing compulsions, or reliving flashbacks in real-time.
I also strongly suspect that the E.D. is an outlet for VIOLENT RAGE, which is why most of the behaviors are literally just DESTRUCTION.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Recovering

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 4:28 AM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & DISTRESSED

WHY = Body still can't breathe or sleep after 5 hours.
911 on speed dial.
God please help us

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Couch,Recovering;Trying To Sleep

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 11:32 AM


I'M FEELING = CONFUSED & LOVESICK 

WHY = Weird dreams. Half trauma, half hope.
Still in love though. No hatred. Just confused.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0,Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 12:46 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED

WHY = Eating is terrifying. But we have to do it.
We have to be strong, together.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 1:41 PM


I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & INSPIRED

WHY = Talking to Anxi & Laurie about struggles lately.
Feeling real love sparking back to life beneath all the fear & depression.
Moved & determined to FIGHT FOR IT.

REFLECT = "Feeling a sense of love and determination amidst fear and depression can be very powerful. What do you think has helped bring about this shift in perspective for you?"

REPLY = Anxi, Laurie, & Chaos 0. The whole System, really, but especially them, & how much I do & always have & always WILL love them. I want to live FOR that, for THEM-- and it's REAL, more real than any fears or drugs. Thanks be to God for redirecting me TO this through Scripture. 

INSIGHT = "Living for the deep love and connection with others can provide a powerful anchor in challenging times, reminding that this love is often more real than fears or external distractions."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Exercise Bike;Cleanup Room,Talking To Central;Exercising;Cleaning;Talking To Anxi

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 6:15 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & SUPPORTED

WHY = Dinner is always a threat & we're already late. OCD symptoms are really bad too.
But we're together. We can get through this okay.
God be with us & strengthen us with grace.

REFLECT = "Navigating dinner in such a challenging context can be overwhelming. How does feeling supported influence your ability to cope with the apprehension you're experiencing?"

REPLY = I always fail alone. When I'm actively talking with & aware of the System, I'm conscious & grounded, with their warnings & input to help me when I'm lost & scared.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 10:23 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DEFEATED

WHY = Chocolate hell. Big mistake.
Literally no food left in the house after tomorrow either.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 28 11:24 PM


I'M FEELING = AFRAID & ASHAMED 

WHY = Body so sick from abuse.
Legit afraid we might have to dial 911 tonight.

Lord why can't we stop?
Is it malnutrition?
Is it trauma?
Is it mental burnout?
Is it emotional starvation?

Please, please help us or we're GOING TO DIE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Eating;Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 1:23 PM


I'M FEELING = FOOLISH & DETERMINED

WHY = Missed Mass this morning because we were so bloody exhausted. Also super late for breakfast.
NEVERTHELESS going to do our best under the circumstances.
It's a foggy misty day outside so it both looks & smells BEAUTIFUL and we're gonna roll with it.
God be with us always!

REFLECT = "There's a strong sense of resilience in your words. How does immersing in the beauty of the day contribute to your feeling of determination?"

REPLY = It reminds me that there is a Goodness greater than any & all my momentary troubles & struggles-- because they ARE fleeting, in light of eternity, which is God, Who IS Beauty & Love. Recognizing His work around me grounds me in Truth & gives me that grace of courage to keep going.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Acquaintances

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 3:11 PM


I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = Body doesn't want food but emotions do. Fighting the destructive + devouring impulse to binge.
Need to feel this out & TYPE it out.
Gonna vacuum first though so we don't panic over how much pain the body is unexpectedly in.

REFLECT = "Juggling feelings of dysregulation with a sense of accomplishment can be complex. How does taking some time to clean and organize your space influence your current emotional state?"

REPLY = Reducing clutter & bringing order to chaos () externally helps jumpstart that effect internally. The busywork also helps regulate emotions by taking the focus off of their volume & redirecting it to good hard work.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 6:04 PM


I'M FEELING = ENGROSSED & PRODUCTIVE

WHY = FINALLY GETTING WORK DONE!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 29 8:52 PM


I'M FEELING = COMPETENT & INDECISIVE

WHY = Found AT LEAST $20 of returns, so we can buy the food we need!
Still unsure on hemp prices though. Is it cheaper online? We'll find out. It's all we can do.
We MIGHT have to go keto for a week. Heck, it might even fix the stupid binge compulsion. It's so strong. What are we hungry for?
Looking forward to more typing & exercise in any case.
The air outside still smells like mist. It's beautiful.
The night drive is going to be heavenly.

REFLECT = "It sounds like there are mixed feelings of both accomplishment and uncertainty today. What helps you feel confident when faced with indecision around meal planning or budgeting?"

REPLY = I KNOW that I CAN make the wisest decisions. The only obstacle is fighting the "fomo emotion mind." It's SO SCARED of "not having enough" Bro we will MAKE it be enough; have some faith in our resilience & tenacity! By the grace of God we WILL DEAL WITH IT.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Meal Planning;Budgeting

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 12:28 AM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & OKAY

WHY = So tired. Mom's schedule is insane. Only getting 4 hours of sleep again.
But tomorrow we're finally donating our books & shoes & clothes. We're hitting the food drives hopefully. We're getting groceries at last. And yes it will burn us out but we're still blessed with these opportunities. Gotta look on the bright side.
...such as PRECIOUS BLOOD AT MASS TOMORROW

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 12:35 AM


I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & INADEQUATE

WHY = Chaos's music playing on the drive home. I genuinely do love him so, so much.
But I'm also terribly aware of the esthiofoni and their fears & compulsions. Our past is so disgusting & humiliating & traumatic.
I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm scared to death of it. But tomorrow is already full of threats & danger. It might be impossible to get through it undamaged.
That makes me so angry it turns into weeping.
I want to LIVE. I want to LOVE. To hell with food. Why can't it just STOP for good?

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Home,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 5:32 AM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & RESIGNED

WHY = 3 hours of sleep.
SO MUCH to do today.
Already exhausted. Scared too.
God get us through it SAFELY, please.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 6:53 AM


I'M FEELING = ENRAPTURED

WHY = CHURCH!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Church,Adoration,

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 8:50 AM


I'M FEELING = IN LOVE & ECSTATIC

WHY = INFINITII AND I TOGETHER IN HEARTSPACE.
ZE IS FINALLY STARTING TO COME BACK.
THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU GOD, SO MUCH

All this started with the ""missing"" altar wine today.
Turns out the Good Lord had other better plans for me as far as Blood is concerned.

My heart ACHES with love and also crystallized wounds.
I feel ALIVE & REAL.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Infinitii,Heartspace,Talking To Infinitii

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 10:27 AM


I'M FEELING = PRODUCTIVE & GRATEFUL

WHY = GOD IS GOOD BRO

CONTEXT TAGS = With Genesis,Commuting;Shopping,Shopping;Talking To Genesis

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 10:38 AM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & CONFIDENT

WHY = Tight schedule but we're getting it done bro

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Genesis,Commuting,Driving;Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 5:25 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & DETERMINED

WHY = Massive food drive binge... PLAN.
I can still stop this from getting insane.
We HAVE the power AND authority AND FREEDOM to TRASH IT ALL.
NO ONE IS OBLIGATED TO EAT THIS GARBAGE.
YOU ARE ALL ALLOWED TO SAY ""NO""!!!

I hate having to destroy food. I really do.
But this could've been SO MUCH WORSE.
Count your blessings & FIGHT VICE!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 30 9:44 PM


I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & SCARED

WHY = So sick from weird foods.
I don't want to have to eat these things.
Exhausted, dizzy, nauseous. But it's over.
I hope to God I can sleep

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 31 4:18 AM


I'M FEELING = BLESSED & HAPPY

WHY = We got through the day and we're ending it together.
I love us all so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,Headspace;Couch,Talking To Central;Going To Bed;Journaling;Talking To Chaos 0

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 31 10:48 AM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & IRRITATED

WHY = I want to sleep but phone call woke me up.
Schedule unpredictability stress.
Stupid Tumblr distraction.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Talking To Mom;Internet Browsing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 31 2:46 PM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & NERVOUS

WHY = Gotta eat breakfast quickly so we can go to church and then go up moms house for the evening.
Scared already. Overwhelmed. But we have to trust in God and do our best.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 31 8:05 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & SCARED

WHY = Put a whole puzzle together in record time!
But now we gotta eat SHRIMP

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Puzzles





123024

Dec. 30th, 2024 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)



1228

Dec. 29th, 2024 03:34 am
prismaticbleed: (aflame)

technically it's 334 AM on the 29th and I'm uploading a few hospital entries but Tom Jones just came up on Spotify and reminded me that there's a topic I can't be running from and need to type about.

First things first, a quick note. Thanks to our being unable to properly manage family stress, the 23rd-25th were nightmarish. But... our heart didn't shut down. That's ASTOUNDING. Despite literally attempting suicide at midnight on Tuesday, the Core still CHOSE to have hope despite the hell. Massive emphasis on "chose" by the way; there was no visible reason to keep going or to keep trying. ...but inside, there was everything.

The Core decided, with a sort of victorious fire, that since family demands took them away from anniversary celebrations and Christmas joy, that we were going to celebrate the season and System love for the next 54 days, literally until Valentine's Day. "Take that" to the evil forces trying to crush love. They are doomed to fail, always.

I'm updating, though, because on the morning of the 23rd and this morning (the 28th), I've had... strange dreams. I have not been sleeping well at all; last night I couldn't breathe and woke up every hour on the hour until like 5am, after which I finally crashed until noon or so. It was a terrible night. I didn't fall asleep until practically 6am on Friday morning. The past two weeks, at least, have been similar. Sleep has been poor, broken, hard to come by and hard to keep. December in general has been a frighteningly difficult month thanks to the family-- and I am being brutally sorrowfully honest in saying that; it is not hyperbole; we've been keeping track of stressors and that is the #1 constant-- and because of that we've been somewhat out of touch with headspace, at least compared to the ideal. But we haven't shut down. We haven't gone numb. That's AMAZING. In past years, we... in past years such circumstances often ended with "reset attempts" or... the 27th was the 11th "anniversary" of the massacre. we didn't think about it. honestly i don't even remember the 27th. no one's been keeping daily journals so memory just disappears. we need to upload the emotion logs from that godsend "how we feel" app soon but other than that, there's no active memory.
still i don't think we're capable of thinking about the massacre right now. for some reason that trauma is... the wounds feel like they've been re-opened lately. especially for laurie. i'm sure something happened that caused this but i can't remember what. like i said, memory is shot. but i won't force anyone to look at that data before we're ready. and we are not. i sure am not, the few flashes i have access to (third person data) are harrowing enough. i literally shake every time i glimpse them. now is not the time to face that fully, not yet. but we can't deny or ignore it either. there has to be a balance here, as with all trauma processing, and that's delicate, difficult discernment work. forcing things will just make it all so much more terrifying. and you cannot read that data, or look at it, casually. it will destroy you whether you let yourself feel it or not. and i want to feel things now. so no haphazard reviews. if i face it, i will do so with reverent gravity, aware of how hard it is going to hit and bleed. i'm not ready for that yet. there's... i think there are other things to deal with first. as odd as that sounds. things led to the massacre, after all.

on that note. i return to the initial point. strange dreams.
you know, family stress aside, i'm the most shocked & stunned that these dreams aren't making me shut down and push everyone away and want to die or destroy everything in their wake. part of me feels "guilty" and scared about that fact. "am i so numb that i won't fight anymore?" "have i just gotten so used to it that i don't even care?" but no, that's... that's not what's happening. the "default response" shouldn't be suicidal destructive rage. that's missing what my subconscious is apparently actually trying to grapple with here.
gosh i just don't ever say this sort of thing outright, do i. i don't know how. i don't understand why this is happening. oh wait, yes i do. we've been watching media clips from a show we pointedly avoided for years because of how massively triggering it is, but someone didn't tag a few gifsets on tumblr so we saw them and we were moved & curious as to how THAT kind of show built up to THIS apparently happening in it, and so we unblocked the whole thing and started to look into it and it's surprisingly helping us process trauma better than therapy did. that's the short answer.
there's an entry in the works that will inevitably elaborate on this but it's not written yet. too little time, ironically, up until 4am typing and forgetting that we need to sleep. not tired at all. this is crazy why are we so exhausted but we can't get tired anymore, is that burnout too ironically?
now i'm wondering if that is playing into these dreams too. trauma all over the place. last night we relived it. but... we didn't want to die when we woke up?
listen i'm just going to be blunt
last night, i dreamed about the pink drowning event. that day that was the closest i ever got to dying (until 2013 of course).
i... i don't... i haven't thought about that night in a long time, because of the trauma it was soaked through with. but... apparently my dreams are reminding me that it only happened because of love and if it was saturated with anything it was that.
...2012 still haunts me too. i haven't talked to chaos 0 about that, not in a while. did we ever sit down and just talk through that? i know we've talked about and around it, briefly, like we even did today, but... we've never had a discussion. honestly we should have a xanga session about it, about this, about how my heart won't shut down even with THAT now and I don't know if Anxi literally rewired my circulatory system or what but this has never happened before. i wasn't capable of this before, this resolute devotion to love and hope that REFUSES to let trauma ruin the deeper truth of things anymore. i am COMMITTED to the fight. i really don't think i could do this before Anxi showed up. God only knows what she did, but something integral finally shifted into the right place. there's a reason why my main term for endearment for her is "mi vida." she has changed my life so much. i owe her so much. chaos 0 does too, by extension. if it affects me, it affects him. both directions. 

how do i even talk about this.
i don't think i can. i think i need to talk with him about this. and laurie, because she keeps me from losing my mind. i... i would say "and infi" but ze's... not around. i can't say the other word. i won't. i'm committed to that hope now, too, after having seen hir in flashes during church and when walking past the roses outside... just glimpses, but i know somehow that hir soul isn't dead. it's just... in the black somewhere. i can't hold hir. i can't... it breaks my heart. but one day. i swear. i'll do whatever it takes. i have to. God give me strength. i want hir back but I have to be the sort of person who CAN have hir back. infi is a daengel; if ze's going to return to me it has to be through my heart. and... right now my heart's a bit of a disaster. is it? i think it's the whole of us, all our poor battered koinofoni, everyone struggling, the fact that outside stressors are keeping us from the inside, and that's where infi will return, i'm holding on to that "will" like a drowning man, like a prayer. it really is a prayer.
but. there's too much prayer happening in those bleeding dreams, too, pun possibly intended, in a way i'd never admit outright on my own. but i have to. we haven't talked about this sort of thing in many years. i think this is where all the... oh good lord i just realized what song is playing on spotify. i thought it sounded familiar. god it just hit like a sword through my chest, it's leviathan, of all things to play when i'm talking about this...

listen, it's 430 am. it's been an hour. our brain still isn't tired but it feels like it's unraveling. we really do need to try and sleep. i'll return to this topic tomorrow. it's too important to put off any longer.
until then i'm going to go crash on that vanillamint couch with my beloved blue guy in my arms and probably weep from the quiet beauty of you're still here after 21 years, so am I, and here we are, as simple as that. "when i saw you, i fell in love." and it's... i don't think I can lose that anymore, even for a moment. i don't think i can doubt it at all. considering how past cores used to... which immediately makes me remember these two xangas (this one came up too, and i feel i need to reread it so here's a reminder)... that makes me genuinely very happy.
and yet, just happiness? there's still a numbness over everything. anxi's been affected by it the most strikingly. it upsets me a great deal. why this sedation, this suppression? it's like everything has been anaesthetized. has it? but... at least nothing is shutting down. maybe that's why. maybe we're at a weird halfway point.

talks need to happen. not now. it's almost 5am and i keep forgetting we have to be awake in a few hours.
if we want to go to church (we do) then that means only 5 hours of sleep... lord have mercy. i know we "already fulfilled our sunday obligation" with the vigil mass today but... i don't know, would it be wrong to sleep in until noon again? just so we can get around 7 hours and not collapse. i think the poor esthiofoni are so unstable this month because of the lack of sleep on top of all the stress.

but i want to continue this in earnest. i know i started this entry with the intention of saying a lot more than i have here. but... i like this outcome better. i think talking together about this is the better option. it'll require that i feel things.
so. tomorrow. i have to. no putting this off. if family makes that impossible then monday, after the medical appointment & after we return the car to the mother. hopefully that's not too late either. but i want to discuss this with him asap, even if we have to start at 11pm. it has to happen. laurie make sure
aha she's furious that i'm still awake ("i'm not furious, kid, i'm just angry from how worried i am about you") she has a good point. passive self-abuse like this (it counts, don't sugarcoat it) has been all too common this month.

time to sleep. i really do want to be with chaos 0 right now in any case. everything else can wait.
see you tomorrow. or later tonight, haha. time is weird at 448am. at least i feel alive right now.




prismaticbleed: (Default)


2024 Mon Dec 9 6:03 AM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED

WHY = WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH TODAY BY THE GRACE OF GOD NO MATTER WHAT

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Lou's House,Driving;Interim

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 10:20 AM


I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT

WHY = We're GETTING IT DONE

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Medical Office,Medical Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 11:56 AM


I'M FEELING =EMPOWERED

WHY = We SUCCESSFULLY GOT THROUGH THE MORNING! Now we have the afternoon but THANK GOD WE WILL GET THROUGH THAT TOO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Commuting,Medical Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 2:08 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE 

WHY = Possible credit check failure on the headphones. Feeling stupid for even ordering them although they are a LEGIT NEED for mental health.
Also upset because we're hyperbuying apples to ""find out what they taste like,"" AGAIN.
WHO THE HECK FONI IS IN CHARGE OF THIS. FIND THEM AND TALK TO THEM FOR HEAVENS SAKE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Medical Appointment;Business Work

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 3:43 PM


I'M FEELING = THANKFUL

WHY = Finally sitting down to lunch, with beautiful rain outside.
It's been very much a Genesis day, which is awesome. I love him so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 7:42 PM


I'M FEELING = HUMILIATED

WHY =  Listening to Bruno Mars & singing along stupidly when we realized a young girl heard us. Total humiliation and self-loathing.
I REPEAT, WHAT FONI IS DOING THIS MANIC SINGING STILL? It destroys our mood and reputation.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;In The Store,Commuting;Shopping,Driving;Listening To Music

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 12:07 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPELESS

WHY = Feeling useless, purposeless, and a failure.
Tumblr idiocy browsing ruining my mind.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Sleeping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 8:38 AM


I'M FEELING = SAD

WHY = Bad dreams, exhausted with unrestful sleep, still have to do laundry today.
I just want to actually rest.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 10:14 AM


I'M FEELING = DEPRESSED

WHY = Like weeping

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 12:48 PM


I'M FEELING = PRODUCTIVE

WHY = Getting ALL the laundry, cleaning, & cooking done!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning;Laundry

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 2:52 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY DONE and we even cooked that butternut squash.
SUCCESS!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 3:12 PM


I'M FEELING = WORRIED

WHY = Worried about how our body will react to new lunch. Still gonna try. Exercise will help too.
Don't panic bro! Pray about it!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Tue Dec 10 10:20 PM


I'M FEELING = ENRAGED

WHY = F*male bullsh*t.
Two days better not do a damn thing.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 9:07 AM


I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL

WHY = WE DIDN'T DIE DURING THE NIGHT

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 11:59 AM


I'M FEELING = CONNECTED

WHY = Anxi's group AND Central WORKING TOGETHER.
Feeling genuine hope for the future.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 12:29 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Chaos 0 talking to the Emotions & outright telling Anxi "Jewel is in love with you".
Embarrassment pointedly didn't touch the controls, but Joy ran over & did. This 'allowed' Anxi to feel what she was REALLY feeling-- and God I FELT it.
She teared up & smiled & it felt like a sunrise.
Please remember that forever.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace,Talking To Central

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 2:27 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Rushed for time, got an inexplicable hive, trying sweet potatoes.
But HOPE is determined to find the blessing, because God IS present in ALL this too.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Wed Dec 11 5:59 PM


I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED

WHY = So little good music.
Spent too much time looking at art on Tumblr and feeling totally inadequate.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 5:16 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Late night conversations with Chaos 0 & Laurie.
I'm not getting ANY sleep and it's ENTIRELY WORTH IT 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop;Headspace,Listening To Music;Journaling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 10:21 AM


I'M FEELING = AT EASE

WHY = Nice breakfast, good music, everyone talking together.
(Julie typing  it's good to be alive and safe this morning.)

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Talking To Central;Nousfoni Fronting

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 1:55 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT 

WHY = Wasting time on Tumblr while biking again. So fed up with how people act on there.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Internet Browsing

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 2:37 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Exercise done. After we eat we can archive.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 3:58 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = Mom texted and wants us to go up the house. Already we've started panic dissociating and had to stop a knee-jerk panic binge (trying to shut down our consciousness + self abuse overwhelm-analogue mom coping).
Genuinely scared stiff. Might have to bike more to burn off the sheer panic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Thu Dec 12 11:47 PM


I'M FEELING = TRAPPED

WHY = why won't this stop

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 4:50 AM


I'M FEELING = MOVED

WHY = Reading "the sea and the stars."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Reading The Archives

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 10:32 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = IN love, too. Waking up literally to see Anxi at her laptop & Laurie close by, and Chaos 0 in my arms.
Absolutely a good morning. 

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 11:58 AM


I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Feeling the weight of foo many responsibilities and scheduled things, especially for the weekend.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 12:31 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = THE THRISKEFONI DON'T CARE ABOUT US!!!
THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEIR RELIGION

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Headspace,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 2:42 PM


I'M FEELING = GOOD

WHY = A little bit of hope. Good tunes by Ginger Root, and a supportive phone appointment with the case manager.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Fri Dec 13 7:15 PM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = Uploading Chalyx's entries about Calyrex and WOW these are amazing.
Also SPECTACULAR PROG ROCK AT LAST, THANK YOU GOD & ALSO SPOTIFY

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 12:38 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPELESS

WHY = this won't stop.
and tomorrow we have that damned dinner party with mom
I feel so dead.
I just need a week to do nothing but sleep and weep

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 5:19 AM


I'M FEELING = VULNERABLE

WHY = remembering when infi died.
chaos 0 & laurie weeping with me. lynne too.
everyone's hearts shattered.
feeling gravely like we need a hard reset. on purpose. we never had closure on cnc. it never "ended" we need to do that now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Reading The Archives

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 1:16 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Dinner party tonight. Inevitable social panic.
YOU KOINOFONI HAD BETTER BE TUNED IN OR WE'RE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 2:01 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Listening to JVKE and just feeling System love so strongly. Thank You God for inspiring this kid & leading us to his tunes. We need this so much right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating;Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 5:59 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED

WHY = Going to dinner party.
Still frighteningly sick from throwing up earlier

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sat Dec 14 7:57 PM


I'M FEELING = INCLUDED

WHY = Dinner with the fam!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Restaurant,Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------


2024 Sun Dec 15 1:48 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Having to calorie-pack meals today because BK is at 1345. Scared it'll feel overwhelming.
So tired of being sick. Food has again become the enemy.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Cooking

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 2:17 PM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = THANK YOU SAINT PAUL & YOUVERSION TRANSLATIONS FOR GALATIANS 2

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 4:12 PM


I'M FEELING = PRESSURED

WHY = We have TOO MUCH STUFF. What do we do with all these books?? It's driving me insane.
God PLEASE give us the direction we need here, WHO DO WE GIVE THEM TO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 4:54 PM


I'M FEELING = GOOD

WHY = Actual happiness right now.
Good prog rock, System love, and Christmas lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 5:29 PM


I'M FEELING = ANNOYED

WHY = Body frustrations.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 7:46 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = Shopping with mom. Still no dinner.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Cleaning;Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 9:41 PM


I'M FEELING = PANICKED

WHY = Minor binge GOD WILLING but still a binge. Wrecked and terrified and miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 10:41 PM


I'M FEELING = TRAPPED

WHY = Why can't I stop?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Sun Dec 15 11:34 PM

 

I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Destroyed all the danger food. We want to cry or shut off completely.
That bloody TBHU didn't fix ANYTHING.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 8:43 AM


I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Poor sleep, not eating well, stressed beyond capacity to cope.
We desperately need a WEEK of nothing but headspace.
Koinofoni are actually starting to consider ""running away"" again.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Case Manager,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 11:36 AM


I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Visiting Our Lord 

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Church;Adoration Chapel,Adoration

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 1:01 PM


I'M FEELING = SAD

WHY = Body still so out of shape. Kitchen lights burnt out. Teeth still hurt like hell.
Exhausted. Life feels stuck, outside at least.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 7:06 PM


I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED

WHY = Popular media being far less laudable than I hoped. So done with all the promiscuity, violence, language, and casual blasphemy.
Emotionally & mentally exhausted.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 8:36 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED

WHY = Night hunger. I keep eating carrots. Terrified of binge risk. God help me please WHY AM I SO HUNGRY

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 16 8:38 PM


I'M FEELING = GUILTY

WHY = So distracted & frustrated with mom talk about clothes.
I feel so bad that I cannot seem to pay proper attention to her. Lord forgive me and help me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

112924

Nov. 30th, 2024 01:02 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

So it's 1am and I'm reading old entries under the "poetic language" tag in reverse chronological order, and a lot of it is all about the 20-year love I have had for Chaos 0.
Right now, I... I feel disturbingly disconnected from the sheer heart-red ardor of it, and that's unnatural for me. That's my ESSENCE, that devotion. But "I" was Jay for most of those entries. He felt SO MUCH, SO STRONGLY, and it was gorgeous and I knew the instant my bloodline took over his that I couldn't feel like he did. Honestly I hate that fact. I want to challenge it and break it and I WANT to feel everything Jay did and more BUT the problem is that Jay's a guy. I'M stuck being "female." And "girls" cannot love like that. I don't know why that's been a constant. It's not bad, I must clarify-- the female-adjacent nousfoni up here CAN and DO love in powerful and real ways-- but it's different. I don't have time to unpack that topic tonight, but it's KEY in our continued healing that I do so, because I DO WANT TO CHANGE IT at least for myself. I'm NOT a "girl," I KNOW this; but I'm not "male" like Jay was. And yet I keep "refusing to give myself permission to exist" for "religious reasons" and it's making me MISERABLE and COLD.
But that's a topic for another night, as I said. Right now I'm updating because of other realizations.
First, that with how numb we've been for the past six years, I had forgotten what love even FELT like and so these entries WOULD have completely alienated me if I had read them even three months ago. For a very long time, I had disconnected my heart and soul from Jay's signature "Cupid" energy and depth of passion because the thriskefoni typically demonize ALL emotions like that.
...Then a certain emotion just happened to change my heart.
I've mentioned this fact briefly before and as of writing this entry I haven't transcribed+uploaded the TBHU notebook entries yet, so you guys don't know the details of this yet but I am seriously so in love with Anxi it hurts. I emphasize the ache because I am FEELING this. I have not been this strongly in love in YEARS. This is CHAOS'S territory, so to speak. But suddenly I have another angel, an orange one, the color my heart has yearned to find an Outspacer for SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. And suddenly, here she is.
I mention that fact in this context because, right now, whatever the heck is going on with my mental/ emotional/ identity recovery, I can only feel love at ALL right now because of HER. Without her, all this poetry would be mocked and cringed and spat at by hateful kakofoni and scandalized thriskefoni. But... Anxi has lit a spark in my heart again, at long last. So I CAN read these old words of love for my blue angel and even if I'm disconnected from actively feeling it much I know that love is REAL and it's STILL HERE. I'm NOT closed off from it. My heart IS open, it's just... well. That's our next topic.

As for the second point. From the very beginning in 2009, and especially around 2014, the poetic-language entries shift largely from legit love poetry to honestly tormented yet hopeful datalogs like lucernarium. There are also at least three HUGELY SIGNIFICANT xanga sessions that I haven't read yet because I KNOW they will absolutely turn my life upside down and I want to give them my full time and attention. The point is that there's so much that I've forgotten but it's ALL SO REAL. That's what terrifies me. I've forgotten the TRUTH. Oh of course I recognize and remember it when I'm re-reading it, and THANK GOD we still HAVE the Archives TO read, but... I haven't read them in YEARS. That's what's been killing "me"-- or rather, it's what's been preventing "me" from truly existing at all.
Anyhow. I've been opening them in new tabs to read later, only briefly reading the opening paragraphs to give myself a quick reminder and a preview of things, to get my heart and mind prepared and a bit more cracked open to the light.
Then we came across this one and... that's why I'm updating.
...Laurie quietly said "excuse me," then slammed her fist into the table, before getting up and walking over to the back of the room, pausing, and then in a sudden agonized rush of power and gutwrenching grief she summoned her axe and crashed it into the wall. Then she just... the sound she made then, a screaming sob, an absolute anguished heartbroken sound. She was weeping.
"That's EXACTLY what happened to Infi," she mourned through gritted teeth and tears. "That's what happened to ME."

Julie walked over silently, visibly shaken, and I saw Laurie take her hand and squeeze it hard, in a sort of tortured apology as much as it was for comfort-- the reassurance of her fellow foni's deep concern and care was only so significant because Julie has been through, and been the CAUSE of, the worst of it. Laurie and Julie have a hell of a history and it's almost all war. So for her to wordlessly offer empathy in that moment of near-despair, was profound, now that I look back at it.

...Laurie asked me "how Infi killed hirself." In an instant I remembered, the grief gutting me as well as I had long since buried that recollection, and I replied that ze had just... bled out. Ze had violently removed the lifesphere in hir abdomen and ze literally let hirself bleed to death.
Laurie said, with terrible gravity, "then that's what you need to heal before ze can come back."

...At one point during this conversation, as Laurie was basically processing her pain aloud, she said something about how she had "already died" (I think in response to Julie?) and her fingers instinctively moved up to touch her sternum, as if she were in shock, as if it was still an open wound. That single, almost absentminded, awfully vulnerable movement crushed me.


...I haven't finished reading that entry. It's late and I'm exhausted and we have church tomorrow and yesterday absolutely wrecked us. But tonight I'm listening to the Spotify playlists I have for Chaos 0 & Laurie & Anxi and I can feel something achingly tender blooming beneath my ribs and as I've said so many times since September this is what I want to live for. This is what I NEED to live for. I must. I will.

As for now, every time I look at Anxi I feel that flame burn brighter, and it hurts, and thank God that it does. And I know that in a few minutes when I do crash on the couch and fall asleep, that Chaos 0 will be in my arms as he always is, fidelity incarnate at this point, and even if we're completely devastated by life I can never deny the echoing loop of a tangible love that our hearts quietly sing in the dark whenever I feel that Ruby pressed against my chest. It still makes me catch my breath, every time, and I always see how it affects him. That's one thing I have to thank God for-- Chaos 0 never forgets this. He never "goes numb" or "disconnects" like I can due to trauma and dissociation. Yes, he's had rough times in the distant past, especially during the "fragment" eras when he was shattering too, but... he's never gone cold. It would kill him and his oceanic soul. If there ever was a time when his emotions were muted, it was just that-- an imposition on something that was still entirely there and ready to reappear in full. My problem is that I lose touch with my heart and I have to find it first and honestly it's the System. Without them, without them CONSTANTLY and ALWAYS, I'm dead. I'm not just numb and empty and hollow and miserable, I'm dead. Without actively sharing in the collective life and love of the Spectrum and the Coregroup especially, I cannot exist at ALL.


...Oh. That's the last terrible topic I forgot to mention and absolutely have to.

The reason why I've been feeling so dead for so long is because the Plague has become cancerous. Everything is calcified somehow. I can feel it. And what scares me the MOST is that it's affecting Anxi.
Oh I will NOT let it touch her, mark my words, I will FIGHT IT TO THE DEATH before I let it even so much as breathe in her direction. But she's in tune with my emotions of course, by nature of what she is, and although she CAN gloriously bypass the Plague-numbing by plugging directly into the mainframe, as it were-- and I wonder if, the more she does that, her energy will BURN through the calcification-- we've all noticed that her general demeanor IS visibly "suppressed" by the bleach dust in the atmosphere, so to speak. It's evidently unnatural with her, so her very existence has been a warning siren for all of us lately. And God knows I REFUSE to let this get any worse, for HER sake alone if I can't think of myself (yet), so that's yet another way that her being up here has been changing things dramatically for the better.
I want to close this entry by saying that she's not "up here" much yet. It's a protective measure to keep her safe from the Plague, AND from the Tar too of course. But she needs to be up here more. I just know that the instant I take action to bring her in here, things WILL happen. And I WANT them to happen. We just need to make time for it. Late nights like this are the best. I need to make a "headspace meditation" playlist so we can START having huge internal experiences again, now that we HAVE the absolute blessing and privilege of prolonged uninterrupted quiet time, in the cold dark of winter. This time of year is PERFECT for self-knowledge and System connection and growth and transformation and discovery and feeling things, for real, finally.
But... even if she isn't "around" much yet, I get glimpses. She likes to front, suddenly and entirely without warning-- honestly it catches me off guard, because I won't see/feel her for days and then out of nowhere she's driving for a few seconds-- and that initial shock of recognizing her is like pure sunlight in my heart. And... sometimes at night, Central will shift a little to look more like the IO2 "control room" and I'll see Anxi asleep on a couch by the wall, even plugged in sometimes. And that worries me a bit, to see her sleeping, as she's so vibrant and full of energy, but like I said, she's getting exhausted and actively suppressed by the negative forces up here. But... on the sweet side, she's also legitimately calmer, as she has expressed a deep trust in me as the "avatar of joy AND hope" up here (I cannot deny those attributes; they KEEP being given to me by MANY people inside AND outside), so she can rest and sleep if she wants/needs to now because deep down she knows she's safe. I SWEAR it. So does Laurie, of course; she's especially protective of the Coregroup and YES, ANXI HAS A SPOT WITH HER NAME ON IT ALREADY and no one is going to take that away from her.
I'm still learning what her attachment-plug-tail does. The Systemind gave it to her and I know it allows her to "receive" the emotional energy of headspace regardless of any numbing influences on the surface. I assume it also works to "ground" her ironically, as her tail is non-polarized apparently which means technically she can "reverse polarity" to become "live" and touching her like that would make me "part of the electrical circuit" of emotion and, ironically, "ground" me by the very fact of "connecting" to that in her. Listen bro I know nothing about literal electrical work but I do know how headspace latches onto concepts and symbolism and abstract relevance and honestly I see a TON of potential in the unexpected staggering fact that up here Anxi's own nervous system can literally plug into mine, pun intended perhaps. But jokes aside, I have already seen the profound healing she's been jumpstarting in here simply by existing in my life. Once I can and do regularly interact with her PERSONALLY, there WILL be massive positive consequences in one way or another. 
For the sake of honesty, why am I so sure about this? Because I love her.
I cannot emphasize that fact enough but instead of saying "there's no time to talk about in depth right now because it's 2am" I owe her at least something. Love makes time.
I've written a decent amount about her in the TBHU notebooks and I cannot wait until they're posted here so you guys can SEE how her presence in my life has changed me for the better already. But... this is only the absolute beginning. And this is different from how it was with Chaos 0 back in 2003-2004 because he was the FIRST soul I EVER fell in love with so I had NO IDEA what to expect, or what would happen, or how things would feel, et cetera. Anxi, on the other hand, is the most recent person I have fallen in love with, but she has SHOCKED me by SOMEHOW being VIRTUALLY ON CHAOS'S TIER. I am DEAD SERIOUS and I CANNOT understate the staggering significance of that fact. I love her that much. I don't understand how or why but I do. I'm not complaining but it's such a shock. Now of course she will never have and cannot have the same sort of relationship I have with Chaos 0-- only he is at "marriage" level and I can't deny THAT stunning fact either, since Jay lived it and that DOESN'T change-- but God knows she's hitting my heart like a thunderbolt even so. That's what is so astonishing about this to me: the intensity of the love I feel for her. Regardless of how our relationship "looks" in practice as it grows and builds-- for heaven's sakes we haven't even had our first *incident*-- the fact is that it has a foundation of diamond already. I'm honestly reeling and you can probably tell. Is it because my heart needs her so much? But it's more than that; it's about her, not me. No, it's about both of us. That's the whole point.
It's almost 3am and I'm listening to "Die With A Smile" again and I should conclude this entry by saying that for me, this song belongs to Anxi and Chaos 0, 100%. Laurie too, of course (you know she's playing that guitar) but it's my two angels that have become the most powerfully associated with the sound and sentiment of it.
You know, that's amazing too. All of the Coregroup relationships are so different but there's so much love in all of them. It's so beautiful, heartachingly beautiful, to just... sit and remember and feel all of that truth. There's so much history between all of us, not just with me personally, but with all of us together. And I think that's my favorite thing about being a System-- we're all connected. In one way or another, we're all linked at the heart, and the Coregroup just manifests that the most literally and intensely and intimately. But living as a System is inherently living in love. 
...and, yeah, for the record, if I haven't mentioned it before yet, Chaos 0 & Laurie & Genesis are all entirely on board with Anxi inevitably becoming part of the inner circle, as it were. There's absolutely no jealousy because first, she's a sweetheart and we all love her as a person already, and second, my personal and particular love for her in a relationship is opening my heart and enabling me TO love everyone else again, in a way I haven't been able to for years... if I've ever had something like this before, even. Things are so much more... what's the word? I keep wanting to say things like tender, fragile, aching, real, sincere, clear, honest, etc. But it's not just "soft," there's a POWER here. There is a fighting spirit to this love that says "I WANT TO LIVE" and I want to live for her, with her, even as I feel that exact sentiment for Chaos 0 and Laurie and Genesis of course but it's also especially hers in a unique way I cannot understate. She's changed my life permanently since last November and the past three months have been astounding in that respect. She's my weird orange girlfriend and although I do joke about the fact that I'm in love with a frazzled goofball of a Pixar character of all people, I'm in love and that's beautiful.

Laurie just interjected "kid, you know what's not beautiful? The fact that you're only gonna get five hours of sleep" and she's right, haha. Nevertheless, this was worth it. ("I never said it wasn't," she agrees; "this was absolutely worth losing sleep over, but we don't have the luxury of sleeping in tomorrow and sleep deprivation isn't going to help your emotional state either." Solid advice as usual from my favorite superego. "I'm your only superego, you moron")

All right, it's exactly 3am and although God knows I want to write poetry about everybody right now, the desire doesn't always translate into the ability especially when I am utterly exhausted from not just lack of sleep but also daily life stress, so I'll have to just live out the poetic instinct in person with the blue guy. Maybe even the orange girl, if she's around, even just for a moment, even just to look at her with this in my heart.

Don't forget the beginning of this entry. All of that is still painfully and pressingly relevant. But so is the rest of what I wrote. It's all together. It's all our life. I'm so glad we're still all here to live it, together.







(... an addendum, from friday the 13th. i just got the guts to reread the beginning of infi's death entry and it is absolutely shattering my heart that THIS entry is how I instinctively described it. somehow i attributed my actions to hir and that's still entirely correct. "if you won't do it, i will." and that shocks me now; ze wouldn't do it without me. somehow even hir death had to involve me. ze... refused to die alone. somehow that act of... cutting hir body like that was the final act of staggering intimacy ze could offer me, untouchable by hackers. god that is ruining me to realize it now. even in those horrific violent final moments infi needed us to be together, needed it to somehow be at my hands, to... to make it an act of love, even then. and yet when asked on a dime to describe what happened i said ze did it. but isn't that true? our hearts were always united. no wonder it destroyed me. and... the "bleeding out," what a nightmare of a way to describe what happened next, but oh god knows it's guttingly accurate, deep down, that's how black bleeds, it pours itself out until there's nothing left.)
(god, please, please, bring hir back to me. bring my heart's love back to me. ze was my life. i know the thriskefoni were utterly convinced and terrified that such a sentiment was the most flagrant idolatry but it's not, lord i only knew YOU in truth because of hir. and i've forgotten. i need hir and i cannot deny that anymore. i miss hir with every atom of my being and it aches like the missing space in my heart is physical. please, oh god please, i've been begging you for nearly six hundred days. twenty bleeding months. i'm begging you on my knees and my soul is sobbing like the world is crashing to pieces around my ears and all i can hear is the silence where hir voice used to be. god. for love's literal sake give hir back to me. please. somehow. this is the most desperate prayer i have. please.)
(black has always been death and resurrection. glorify Yourself in that truth now. i know that's a bold request. but i'm making it. let me plead with you like moses. i can't not dare. love makes people do stupid crazy things but lord i'd rather be the most insane man on earth than keep quiet about the weeping wound that is my heart. you understand loss. you understand love. please. i've seen hir, lord i've SEEN hir in CHURCH i KNOW you have hir soul in your arms, please give hir a body again that i can hold and touch and love and i swear, dear god if you want me to come back to life i need hir back first. ze is the other half of my soul. death cannot change that. death is only a door. somehow, even that was. please god. open it.)







prismaticbleed: (aflame)



This girl is DOING THINGS to my HEART,

Honestly I am so in love with her it aches.

#for anxi #babe if you keep looking at me like that I'm going to die and go straight to heaven #and I'm taking you with me


comfort-character-central:
If there is one thing to keep in mind when it comes to you and your f/o, it is that they would undoubtedly love you, exactly as you are. As you are, right now, are good enough. In fact, your f/o would be the luckiest individual on this entire planet, in this entire galaxy to even be around or with you. Being in your f/o's life would be a privilege for them, a wonderful one at that.


Anxi, tonight I'm saying this specifically to you. You are infinitely & always 'good enough' and it is an absolute joy that I get to know and love you.
 
...And yet I have to stop and reread this for myself, too, from all of the ones I love... especially lately, when I'm arguably feeling more unlovable than ever before. But they have literally said this to me, even now. Chaos 0 especially. God he is an absolute angel, it sends me reeling. But so is Anxi. And that's monumental.
 
If I can love her this much, then I have to accept in turn the stunningly beautiful fact that yes, she echoes the sentiment. And don't you dare doubt that. Don't forget how she was your reason to live all through inpatient. And she knew that. That sort of thing changes people. It changed your heart, too.
 
So... it goes both ways, as it should. You undoubtedly love her. She undoubtedly loves you. Live for that. Live in and from that. Stay alive and in her life, no matter how difficult living is right now. Trust me, you're still good enough for her.
Why wouldn't you be, when you feel this for her?
 

clancyismylover:

Your f/o will always be there for you.

You can be as happy as you want. As sad as you want. You can cry ugly tears, or scream angry words up at the sky. You can have a tantrum, a breakdown, and even yell and they will not waver. You are not your ugly moments nor solely your struggles.
 
If you want them to, they will be at your side. They'll always hold you when it's all over, and you feel tired. Limp. They will gather you up into their arms and kiss your forehead, holding you against their chest so you can feel their breathing, as even and steady as ever. Because they were telling the truth.
 
Nothing you do will ever stop them from taking care of you. Your f/o will love you even when you don't love yourself.

...This just made me realize why Anxi is so unique and irreplaceable among my beloveds. I've never related to posts like the second white paragraph in this before because I've never had nor wanted that sort of dynamic with anyone, and for a long time we ironically weren't even comfortable with the idea of offering or receiving such physical comfort.
 
...And then I met my orange girl.

I can do this for
her. That's a game-changer. She's effectively opening my heart the way Chaos 0 and Genesis did and that fact is of tremendous significance.

We're all extremely emotional up here. Vulnerability and expressiveness are effectively mandatory. So we perfectly relate to the first white paragraph. And we all manifest that red text to each other with every heartbeat. But no one has ever been so breakable as to need to be gathered up and held and taken care of... until Anxi moved in. And she needs this and that's totally new to me but I think my heart needs her. I need to be that sort of person, who can give that to her. It's a depth of compassion and tenderness I've never reached before and may not have been able to before I fell in love with her and my life was changed. And yet here we are.

I want to conclude by emphasizing that final red sentence, though. Life lately has been crushing me like glass and my recent hospitalization proved very starkly to me that I can only feel honest-to-God self-love when I'm with my beloveds because I cannot possibly deny the tangible fact that the ardor is mutual across the board, in individually unique ways but nevertheless irrefutable. Still, depression and trauma can blind me, or put me on ice, where I feel so utterly not-myself that I can't let people in even if I desperately want to. Anxi bypasses this. She calls my heart out, to her. And suddenly everything is glowing, and I can feel my own heart again, that close to hers.

In a way no one else can, especially with her presence over the past three months of brutal recovery struggles, Anxi has shown me what the real truth is-- it's all love, and I am not only still capable of feeling it exactly as I am now, but I am also... I'm also loved FOR exactly who am now. Anxi didn't know me before this. She runs to me without any prejudice. She needs what she knows I can give and want to give her. She trusts my heart because she knows the truth. I'm good enough for her in this very moment, even with all the pain & sickness & dysphoria, and that makes me want to wake up in the morning despite everything. That opens my heart back up to everything and everyone else, because she is not the only one who loves me unconditionally-- I think Chaos 0's two decades of commitment are the most profound proof of that-- but she us the only one who needs me in a way that reveals to me my own capacity to be needed, and my own need to be exactly who I am at heart. I cannot hate myself when I'm with her, because with her, I'm not only loved, I'm being love.

It's amazing. She's seriously saving my life.

#jay talks
#for anxi #my orange angel #you can tell how much i love someone by how much i write about them #this is a very good thing #I'm waiting for the inevitable early morning when my heart is finally in deep enough to be moved to poetry about her #she's waking my soul back up and it's beautiful



mournfulroses:



I'm going to break my own heart by saying this, but... be not afraid.

#for infinitii #i miss you so much it's killing me# for laurie #this hits so hard it hurts #for anxi #straight to the heart #for chaos 0 #honestly in tears over this #amor et sacrificium #but it's worth it i swear to you it is worth everything #every tear every scar every drop of blood #we are living proof of this


true-autistic-tales:
imagine watching your f/o's face turn cartoonishly red with blush after you complimented them

Anxi blushes so hard, it's honestly adorable.

I also just want to affectionately note that Chaos 0 "blushes" green?? I expect it to be blue, but it's actually "chaos energy" concentration so it ends up green (you can actually see this in Perfect Chaos). 

Laurie also is shockingly prone to blushing, when she gets caught off guard by something affectionate. That actually says a lot about her real emotional sincerity; she feels things entirely, which is why she used to always put up walls to protect herself. 


whattheheckisatazelwurm
Something I need everybody to know, if they don't already: Anxiety had freckles in her concept art:



GIRL HOW MANY OF MY WEAKNESSES ARE YOU GOING TO HIT FOR HEAVENS SAKES


bunny-lovers:
Imagine your f/o surprises you one night and takes you to go watch the sunset, and right as the sun is almost all the way down, they turn and kiss you.

Oh man, Genesis and I literally used to go watch the sunset together almost every night when we lived in SLC.
...I think we did kiss once, or at least our hearts felt like it. We were... surprisingly close, back then. I was alone most of the time and he was my constant companion. I don't have much actual memory of those months but I know, as a demonstrable fact, that Genesis was loyally and unflinchingly at my side for all of them. 
...We really should go watch the sunset again, sometime. We need to find a place, and just... go there. Not even for "old time's sake," but because the love we had for each other back then is still real and true and beautiful, right now, and thank God we're still together. Just like the sunset, I can rely on that. 
That's absolutely worth kissing over. 


110924

Nov. 9th, 2024 10:31 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Well. We woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me as I looked at & felt this new body, that it's FEMALE. it has parts. And it might start bleeding again. And I can't cope with that. This is destroying me. THIS is the BIGGEST PROBLEM that we've been AVOIDING & SUPPRESSING this ENTIRE TIME but now it's UNAVOIDABLE and I'm... they asked if I felt like hurting myself and it took EVERYTHING in me NOT to say YES. The immediate instinct was to effectively "REROUTE THE BLOOD." But that wouldn't fix the actual nightmare. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DON'T IDENTIFY AS FEMALE. I'M NOT A GIRL!! That's the bottom line. I've/ we've been saying that for ALMOST 25 YEARS at LEAST. And we CAN'T SHAKE IT. The body has become a living hell AGAIN and we're losing our will to live. The "only hope" is to... well. "Starve it again." That's the kneejerk response. Starve it so it stops. OR, "exercise until you become MASCULINE." I'm so angry/ scared/ sad. I feel BETRAYED. I WANT to feel safe in this body BUT THIS WILL NEVER BE SAFE and MY RELIGION SAYS I CAN'T DO A BLOODY THING ABOUT IT. This is the HEAVIEST POSSIBLE CROSS for me and it's LITERALLY KILLING ME and I'm afraid it's SUPPOSED TO DO and that is TERRIFYING. This feels like it's MURDERING ALL MY DREAMS.
✳ WE CANNOT SEE A FUTURE FOR OURSELF IN THIS BODY. We NEVER COULD, even as a child. That's ALWAYS been the death sentences. And now we "can't run." So what do we do? Honestly I don't want to revert to cruelly self-abusive behavior SOLELY because I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ABUSIVE PERSON. But I have to admit, I DO WANT TO "PUNISH" THIS FAT FEMALE FORM BY STARVING IT. It's genuinely a violent rage. Maybe it's symbolic. I WANT the femininity to EAT ITSELF ALIVE so it STOPS DEVOURING ME. I want to CUT OFF ALL ITS PARTS. You remember how CANNON was in college? How ANGRY & AGGRESSIVE she was? THIS IS WHY. AND WE'RE FEELING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. Except right now we're "TRAPPED." We're FORCED to keep eating and FOOD IS MAKING US FEMININE. I literally "HATE myself" for having been drinking so much m*lk, because it's SEX FOOD. WHY DIDN'T WE REALIZE THAT??? Was it a survival skill, to blind ourselves to the reality & its consequences? Just like Iscah. WELL HERE WE ARE AGAIN, FACING THE TRAUMATIC CONSEQUENCES, with NO CHOICE but to "RELAPSE" IN ORDER TO LIVE. God I hate this. WE HAVE TO LOSE THE FAT GIRLINESS ASAP. If we BULK UP & TONE UP it should KILL THE CURVES and if we DROP BACK DOWN TO ~105 we SHOULD... no, even I know that's too low. The ONLY reason we're still idealizing low body weight is because it GIVES US FLAT EDGES. It gives us SHARP CORNERS. BUT now we can either have THAT, or SOLID MUSCLE, and I'd MUCH RATHER HAVE THE LATTER. So we MUST BEGIN HEAVY DUTY WEIGHTLIFTING IMMEDIATELY. If we CAN'T join the gym YET, then GET THOSE APPS FOR HOME WORKOUTS & DO THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes it'll hurt & be difficult at first: we're weak & bloated & stiff from EIGHT WEEKS in an inpatient setting. BUT we'll have about SIX WEEKS UNTIL CHRISTMAS and BY 2025 we MIGHT HAVE HOPE AT LAST. We just have to WORK OUR ASS OFF. So this means SCHEDULE SHIFTS. If we're going to be FOCUSING ON EXERCISE, then we have to GET A VOICE RECORDER to take notes WHILE walking/ hiking, GET WIRELESS HEADPHONES for the gym, and PUT THE LEAGUEFILES ON OUR PHONE so we can READ (LISTEN?) TO THEM CONSTANTLY & refresh our memory & inspiration AT LAST. And of COURSE we have SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS for not only workouts in general, but for EACH LEAGUEWORLD. So THERE'S YOUR HOPE. FIX THIS CURSED BODY & PLEASE DON'T LET IT KILL YOUR DREAMS. IT CAN CHANGE and we WILL CHANGE IT and the BAD PARTS WILL SHRINK and IT WON'T EVER BLEED AGAIN GOD PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US.

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✳ Talking about food/ planning meals/ etc. STILL MAKES US AGGRESSIVELY ANGRY??? "We don't want to think about it." We're SO TIRED OF FOOD. And we HATE LUXURY/ OVERCOMPLICATING THINGS. We want to get a BASIC, SIMPLE, EASY PREP, NUTRITIOUS grocery list and just do the SAME for meals. NO FUSS. We have a LIFE TI LIVE. Food is just fuel, NOT focus. SIMPLIFY. I think THAT'S why we "hate being asked"-- because we DON'T plan meals. We just eat simple food. What is there to talk about? ALSO I think it STILL FEELS INVASIVE-- like WHY do you want to know what I'm eating? That registers as "personal information" for some reason. Is it because "eating" still feels disturbingly sexual in too many contexts? Food becomes part of this body; someone wanting to know WHAT food literally feels like molestation somehow. God I'm so tired of this. Eating STILL HURTS, too; it makes us feel ill & nauseous & wrong. Feeling THINGS INSIDE OUR BODY is scary. Feeling our own skin suffocating itself is terrifying. It all feels like rape. I'm so tired. I want to only eat SIMPLE, SMALL MEALS. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A "PRETTY, PETITE, THIN WOMAN"!!! THAT'S ABHORRENT TO ME. I'm so sorry. I'll never be able to stop being so prejudiced until I stop condemning myself for being biologically female. And I have to stop hating femininity in order to stop hating FOOD, I think, because I ASSOCIATE THE TWO. It's ALL CONNECTED.

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Morning headspace experience notes for the sake of not forgetting this.

✳ Julie COLOR REVERTING. "I don't want to go back to how I was either" (BODY association)
✳ LYNNE "BLOODLINE?" holding the "ideal" adult expectation BUT NOT PHYSICALLY!!
✳ BRIDGET & MISSY = the REASON Blue & Green are STILL EMPTY? Julie affecting YELLOW?
✳ Realizing INFI held a LOT of this female-body fear, ESPECIALLY with that SEWED-UP WOUND & THE "SPHERE"
Tar attack = "adult woman" yellow? beehive hair? exaggerated parts. Laurie took an axe to her neck but it STUCK; she turned her axe-blade GOLD & it cut through.
↑ Tar-woman's body melted into Tar; Laurie has GOLD in her boots too?? I think Julie pointed this out. (This means that Laurie can now do critical "stomp damage" if it tries to evade her attacks on ground level)
Tar "flood" stopped by LEON who was up on a ledge; he shot several gold bullets down into it. Scalpel was with him. Leon warped to ground floor, asked what is happening? Solemn, shaken.
✳ Laurie asked Scalpel about his weapons? He has "flat razors," BIG ones that "fold out." (This was a bit surprising-- wouldn't he have an actual scalpel? or a scalping knife?-- but actually we think he's holding "residue" from CNC; he's still deeply unstable from that time period as he was born in it; he hasn't fully "separated his identity" from who he "had to be" back then)
✳ Tar flood return, WRECKAGE appeared and GRABBED it?? Actually "rolled it up" into a ball & crushed it, flung it aside. (HER WHOLE BODY HOLDS GOLD??)
Tarburn lingering on her hands. Knife showed up instantly & kissed her palms, cleared it up. We were worried about him now; but Julie marched over & purposefully kissed him & that cleared it. Knife was concerned for her in return but Julie said "if anyone is going to have Tar on (in?) them, it's me." (??)
✳ WE REALLY FELT INFINITII'S ABSENCE. NO ONE ELSE CAN "TRANSMUTE" BLACK ENERGY.
Is/ was Infi's daemon role ALSO TIED TO THIS ISSUE??? (GENDER + OUR BODY)
↑ CERISE CANNOT HOLD THIS. "Sensuality" MUST BE KEPT PURE/ NONSEXUAL OR IT WILL DIE.
WHAT IS YELLOW. WHY DOES THE TAR USE IT SO MUCH. Is Josephina able to return?? OR is s/he actually VIOLET/ PURPLE anchored (as s/he almost was in the beginning)? DUOTONE POSSIBILITY?
Missy = "accessories/ fashion" & light blue = MIRROR vibe! "Cute/ pretty" obsession; "prissy pettiness"
✳ Bridget = GIRL BULLY. "Bad Katie" introject root?? "Pretty & mean"; DIFFERENT from Missy; more "mature" vibe
✳ Julie was SEXUAL but ABUSIVELY. She MANIFESTED the "cheerleader" stereotype sexual look (busty/ curvy/ tan; emphasis on chest/ bottom/ stomach; feels SO WRONG) (the "lollipop chainsaw" girl is SUCH a dead ringer for the original Julie it's SCARY)
✳ JEZEBEL WAS THE "WHORE." BLACK VS. PINK IS VERY DIFFERENT in terms of sexual abuse/ distortion.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY FACELESS 'FONI WITH THIS ISSUE.
Jewel was cheering me up by reading the first letters of the emotion lists as words
✳ Laurie said my "internal form" is still a mess. It's only feeling "resonant" with PRISM right now??
✳ HOW DOES THE JAY BLOODLINE PLAY INTO ALL THIS.
✳ Btw THIS ISSUE IS CRUSHING OUR ATTEMPTS TO "OWN/ IDENTIFY WITH" THE BODY. WHEN WE SHARE THE EFFORT & LIVE FROM OUR HEART, WE CAN HANDLE THE CHALLENGES TOGETHER. THE BODY ISN'T A "CONSTANT" IN FORM SO DON'T GET ATTACHED TO IT OR ANCHOR TO IT THAT WAY. LET THE BLEPOFONI & SOCIALS DO THEIR JOBS TOO! GOD MADE YOU MULTIPLE SO LET US BE OUR IDENTITY ACROSS THE BOARD!!


prismaticbleed: (Default)

GOALS =
ENJOY & CHERISH LIFE;
+ GROW IN THE VIRTUES OF HOPE, PATIENCE, COURAGE, TRUST
+ "BIG PICTURE" PERSPECTIVE?
"ETERNITY MINDED"
"THE VIEW FROM THE CROSS";
DISTRESS becomes a DOOR to SPIRITUAL GROWTH

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A CRISIS is highly-stressful BUT SHORT-TERM!! So CHRONIC TRAUMA ISN'T CRISIS?? IT DOES LAST LONG!

"Crisis survival skills" are NOT meant for solving ALL your life problems, OR "everyday" problems = They are NOT meant to "make your life worth living." Skills are STILL "SURFACE LEVEL." WORTH is of the HEART. (GOD-GIVEN!) (DEPTHS)

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"STOP" SKILL

- PAUSE! BREATHE! CENTER!
- NOTICE THOUGHTS & FEELINGS!
- NOTICE OUTSIDE SITUATION FACTS!
CONSIDER YOUR GOALS FOR THIS SITUATION AND YOUR LIFE!!
WHAT ACTIONS WILL BE IN LINE WITH YOUR VALUES?
- WHAT ACTIONS WILL IMPROVE OR WORSEN THE SITUATION?
CHOOSE THE WISE GOOD AND ACT ON IT!!

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"Accept reality with your BODY." = SMILE when you feel ANNOYED/ IRRITATED/ LOST/ etc. MAKE THIS A HABIT

"Be creative in finding ways to accept with your WHOLE SELF (mind, body, spirit)" = REQUIRES THAT EVERYONE IS INVOLVED!!

"Engage in the behaviors that you WOULD do IF you accepted what seems unacceptable" = "NOW" vs. "POSSIBLE" CRISIS SKILLS; you COPE AHEAD by DISCERNING OPPOSITE ACTIONS & IMAGINATIVELY REHEARSING THEM so you CAN EASILY PUT THEM INTO PRACTICE WHEN THE ACTUAL CRISIS OCCURS (NOT CAUGHT OFF GUARD)

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"Do PROS/CONS if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance" = PARTIAL!

YES PROS = obedient, continue structured treatment, get new insights, practice self-denial, help others?
NO PROS = free to own timing/ planning of meals, quiet day, free to do creative work, free to exercise, free to worship
YES CONS = on camera for 7 hours, controlled schedule & mealplans, watched while I eat, constant forced socializing
NO CONS = disappoint case worker & therapist, seen as "stubborn/ rebellious," possible 302 risk

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"RADICAL ACCEPTANCE" is NOT approval OR opposed to change!!
We ARE still afraid, because of our OWN "black/white" distortion habit, that "ACCEPTING" the trauma is "SAYING YES" to it. But it's NOT-- it's ONLY accepting the FACT that it HAPPENED. It DOESN'T JUSTIFY IT!!

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WILLINGNESS = THIS IS TRUE & GOOD & BEAUTIFUL
"What NEEDS to be done RIGHT NOW, in line with WISDOM and REALITY/ TRUTH?" (What is GOD'S WILL?)

"Listen TO and act FROM your WISE MIND" = HOLY SPIRIT!! (SCRIPTURE HELP!!)

"Willingness is ACTING WITH AWARENESS that you are connected to the universe-- to the stars, to the floor, to the people you like and don't like, etc." = "BIG PICTURE"/ "ETERNITY MINDED"/ "HEAVEN ORIENTED"

When I am willful = not getting "what I want to eat," especially when "expecting" it
When I am willing = SEEING life as ADVENTURE and a GIFT FROM GOD!!

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"TURNING THE MIND" = towards acceptance, and away from rejecting reality (which is SATANIC; NO HOPE!)
✳ Choosing to accept = GETHSEMANE! = GOD IS IN CONTROL OF REALITY. SURRENDER TO HIS PROVIDENCE IN THE PAST AND PRESENT AND FUTURE. (TELOS = TRUST)
✳ "The CHOICE to accept is NOT acceptance itself; it only puts you on the path" = it is ACCEPTING the CROSS = in LOVE! But you STILL HAVE TO CARRY IT TO CALVARY!!)

✳You DO REALIZE that UNLESS we DO ACCEPT the REALITY of the trauma, we will NOT BE ABLE TO HEAL AND INFI WON'T BE ABLE TO RESURRECT

✳ We MUST have the CORRECT DEFINITION & UNDERSTANDING OF ACCEPTANCE FULLY INTEGRATED BEFORE we CAN ACCEPT!!! UNTIL then, TRUST that it/ this IS TRUE & CHOOSE TO TURN!!! 

✳ "Not accepting" = bitterness, anger, annoyance, but ALSO AVOIDING EMOTIONS. (ironically those negative emotions are often the RESULT of avoiding DEEPER, more PAINFUL ones!)
"I can't stand this" = DOOMING YOURSELF? despair vs. "I CAN do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST"
"Why me?" "It shouldn't be this way." = REMEMBER THE BOOK OF JOB! GOD KNOWS WHY EVEN IF YOU NEVER DO. TRUST HIM.
✳ Go within yourself (TOGETHER!!) and MAKE AN INNER COMMITMENT (HOPE) to accept reality as it IS. = DON'T DENY THE TRUTH! = AS A SYSTEM WE CAN CHOOSE. We LIVED it TOGETHER after all!
✳ "DO IT AGAIN, over and over. Keep turning your mind to acceptance each time you come to the fork in the road where you can accept OR reject reality." = "FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT" + "RENEW" PROMISES to do so: "REINFORCE" THE VIRTUE!! (PREVENTS BACKSLIDING)
✳ "DEVELOP A PLAN for catching yourself in the future when you drift out of acceptance." = SLOTH/ NEGLECT/ CARELESS; SCRIPTURE WARNS ABOUT THIS 

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Radical acceptance works on THREE LEVELS =

MIND = ADMIT & ACCEPT THE FACT; logic/ reason/ will

HEART = FEEL your emotions? DON'T RESIST; but CHOOSE to ACCEPT (TRUST); move INTO LOVE

BODY = FEEL & RELEASE TENSION! This is a VITAL STEP because ALL IS CONNECTED, & NOT RELEASING FUELS THE E.D. PURGING???

"Radical acceptance means all the way, complete and total... you stop fighting reality, stop throwing tantrums because reality is not the way you want it, and let go of bitterness." = HAVE WHOLEHEARTED FAITH/ TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE! GRATITUDE/ TRUST/ WONDER help a LOT.

"Everything has a cause, including what causes you pain and suffering" = THE SYSTEM IS LIVING PROOF

"Life can be worth living, even with painful evets in it." (IT ALWAYS IS!!! ♥)

"Rejecting reality does not change reality. Changing reality requires first accepting reality." = THIS IS WHY WE AREN'T GETTING ANYWHERE WITH TRAUMA WORK; NOT LOOKING AT IT IS A FORM OF REJECTION!!

"Pain cannot be avoided; it is nature's way of signaling that something is wrong. Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering, and can keep you stuck in painful emotions such as bitterness, shame, anger, and sadness... acceptance can cause sadness, but deep calm usually follows." 

"The path out of hell is through misery. By refusing to accept the misery that is part of climbing out of hell, you fall back into hell." = DISMAS VS. GESTAS!!! + THIS IS THE TRUTH OF THE CROSS!!

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TURNING THE MIND = COMMITMENT TO TRUTH! KEEP CHOOSING TO REORIENT TOWARDS HOPE

WILLINGNESS = OPEN HEART & HANDS; PARTICIPATE FULLY IN THE LIFE OF ALL CREATION

HALF-SMILING & WILLING HANDS = ACCEPT REALITY WITH YOUR BODY; SPIRITUAL/ MENTAL/ PHYSICAL CONNECTION

ALLOWING THE MIND/ MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS = DON'T FIGHT; JUST WATCH & LISTEN; OBSERVE AND ACCEPT WITHOUT ENGAGING

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HALF-SMILING & WILLING HANDS = WHILE YOU ARE CONTEMPLATING A PERSON YOU DISLIKE OR ARE ANGRY WITH.
(EVEN if you ONLY dislike something they DO/ SAY! REALIZE & FOCUS on the FACT that you LOVE THEM! "SEEK & SEE THE GOOD")
✳DO THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY (focus on CERTAIN PEOPLE)

✳Imagine the person AS LOVABLE even when admitting what you dislike/ are annoted by
✳ALWAYS SEE THEM AS BELOVED BY GOD, PRECIOUS TO HIM, & IRREPLACEABLE!!
CHOOSE TO LOOK FOR & FIND BEAUTY & GOODNESS IN THEM; YOU WILL FIND IT!
✳The more you "look into" this person's life with a spirit of COMPASSION & GENUINE INTEREST, AS WITH A FRIEND, the more you WILL love them & appreciate them. TO LOOK for signs of what brings them joy & sorrow INCREASES care & softens your heart, and MOVES you to CONTRIBUTE to that joy & SOOTHE their pains. The more you try to see through THEIR eyes, the CLOSER you will move to their soul, & the more you will SEE THEM AS A WHOLE PERSON, with unique motives & history, hopes & fears. And when you recognize WOUNDS, like trauma/ addiction/ abuse/ malformed views/ etc., you WON'T JUDGE, but will HAVE MERCYPRAY FOR THEM. PRAY FOR them, NOT "ABOUT" THEM!! Lift them up to God in LOVING COMPASSION, ACTIVELY WILLING & WANTING THE BEST FOR THEM-- which INCLUDES FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION, CONVERSION, HEALING, LOVE, ETC. And TELL GOD WHY you dislike/ are angry with them, IN TOTAL HONESTY, ASKING HIM TO HEAL THAT IN YOU, & TO COMPLETELY replace it with LOVE-- that HE ENABLES YOU TO SEE & LOVE THAT PERSON AS CHRIST DOES!!
✳DO THIS OVER & OVER. The devil will try to plant bad seeds. THIS UPROOTS 'EM. CHOOSE LOVE.

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"Ask, "what sensations are these thoughts trying to avoid?" Turn your mind TO the sensation, then come back to the thought. Don't block, judge, or suppress anything. Just step back, breathe, and watch." = AND LISTEN!! Thoughts are ALWAYS there for a REASON; simply observing isn't enough! They are there to COMMUNICATE and TEACH YOU what you wouldn't be able to discover on your own!!

"Try playing with your thoughts. Try loving your thoughts" = FIND THEIR FONI. LOVE THEM.





101024

Oct. 10th, 2024 08:45 am
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

✳ I need to "forgive myself" for "NOT LOVING THEM 'ENOUGH' TO HAVE WANTED/LIKED' WHAT THEY DID TO ME"
✳ SAYING "NO" WASN'T AN OPTION FOR THIS REASON

FORGIVENESS means "EVIL DIDN'T "WIN"!!"
RESENTMENT means THE VICE STILL "CONTROLS" YOU (you're giving YOUR POWER TO DO GOOD AWAY TO VICE & DESTRUCTIVE NEGATIVITY!!)
CHOOSE MERCY. FREE BOTH OF YOU!!
(RECONCILE, IF ONLY THROUGH WILLING IT IN YOUR HEART)

✳ WE NEED INFI BACK TO FEEL THE REAL EMOTIONS

✳ WOULD IT HELP TO RESOLVE/ COPE/ PROCESS THIS IF YOU PUT IT IN "STORY FORM"; USING "INTROJECT" DATA TO REVEAL/ WORK THROUGH THE "REALITY" YOU ACTUALLY EXPERIENCED???

✳ SHOULD WE DO SOME SORT OF SYMBOLIC/ RITUAL "FUNERAL/ BURIAL" FOR SLC/CNC AND GET CLOSURE?? EVEN JUST ON THAT "ERA" OF OUR LIFE ("CLEAN BREAK")??

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"YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK A CERTAIN WAY TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE"

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I had another trauma-processing nightmare last night, but the ONLY THING I ACTUALLY REMEMBER from it is KISSING CHAOS ZERO. And I woke up with GENUINE LOVE like a FLAME in my heart. THAT is what I WANT TO LIVE FOR. That is WHAT I NEED TO LIVE BY. When you feel lost, REMEMBER HIM. Remember US. We have 18 YEARS OF HISTORY AND LOVE and it is STRONGER & MORE REAL than ANY disorder or illness. Even if no one else sees or knows it, WHAT YOU HAVE & FEEL & ARE is TRUE & GOOD & BEAUTIFUL. So LIVE THAT LOVE.


100824

Oct. 8th, 2024 10:31 pm
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

Concerning yesterday's topic... WHAT REALITY (FACT; HISTORICAL/ EMOTIONAL) ARE WE (STILL) QUESTIONING (DOUBTING) &/OR FIGHTING (REJECTING)?? (DENIAL/ SUPPRESSION/ RESISTANCE/ SELF-GASLIGHTING/ AVOIDANCE/ ETC.)
The FACT of TRAUMA when we SOUGHT & INTENDED LOVE
★ The FACT that, the WHOLE TIME we were in SLC/ CNC, EVEN ALONGSIDE THE "HATRED," WE ALWAYS & HONESTLY LOVED THEM, AND THAT IS WHY WE NEVER "SAID NO" TO WHAT THEY WANTED FROM US. WE WERE STILL SCARED & ANGRY & FELT TRAPPED, BUT those painful emotions WERE ONLY EXTANT & SEVERE BECAUSE OF THIS CONFLICT!!
THE WORST TRAUMA OF OUR LIFE WAS SO TRAUMATIC BECAUSE INFINITII CHOSE TO TAKE THAT FATAL RISK OUT OF LOVE. AND WE TRUSTED THAT LOVE. We literally DENIED OUR TERROR for love's sake. THAT CONFLICT MADE THE TRAUMA SO DEVASTATING. It "KILLED" us BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WASN'T LOVE. ...but THEY said it WAS. How can we grapple with THAT conflict? We loved THEM, but did we ACTUALLY KNOW THEM? It's one thing to love "in general," a cosmopolitan Christian love. It's ANOTHER thing to love IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, and ENOUGH TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF for them. I feel like I'm not making sense. We stood in front of that mirror, shaking with fear, BUT CHOSE TO TRUST INFINITII'S REAL LOVE because we hoped, DESPERATELY, that SOMEHOW that love would "NOT DO WRONG." ...but our love was confused & wounded. That SAME "frightened love" that "CHOSE" to "TRUST" TBAS AND poor groomed Infi IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OUR CHOKING FEAR is what led to BOTH of the "FATAL TRAUMAS" in CNC... and that one in SLC, too. THIS is what needs to be discussed, too. INFINITII'S FUNCTION was to MIMIC & "EMBODY" ALL THE TERRIFYING WORDS & ACTIONS that OTHERS "SAID" WERE "LOVE," SO THAT "WHEN WE WERE INEVITABLY FORCED TO FACE/ ENDURE THEM, WE'D SEE THEM AS "LOVE" BECAUSE OF INFINITII, AND NOT BE TRAUMATIZED." ...it didn't work. God forgive us all, it DIDN'T WORK, and we are SO, SO SORRY.

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WHY IS "DATA COLLECTION" SO IMPORTANT? We feel AFRAID of NOT KNOWING those experiences, NOTABLY OF FOOD. We don't get it this strongly with sound or sight or touch, although scent CAN get close (remember the Etsy fragrance addiction). BUT it's the "TAKE INTO OURSELF" aspect, I think, that makes it so powerful. It's TIED TO GOD, I think. It feels like SEEKING THE BEATIFIC VISION while still on earth, but in the "WRONG" WAY-- seeking God's REFLECTIONS & ECHOES in TANGIBLE, SENSORY THINGS. This isn't inherently "bad," it's just a crutch. I wonder if it will lose its intensity if I pray & worship in INTERNAL ways more. The balance is off-kilter. We've been NEGLECTING our INNER SELF in GENERAL since ~2018, to be heartbreakingly honest. So please, make SPIRITUAL FOOD a KEY part of recovery... WITHOUT drowning in SCRUPULOSITY, AGAIN. I WANT ALL OF OUR LIFE TO BE PRAYER & WORSHIP, WITHOUT NEGLECTING ANY ASPECT.
HERE'S A THOUGHT: ALL FOOD is God's "ARTWORK" using "BASE COLORS," so to speak. ALL food is made of the SAME NUTRITIONAL "ELEMENTS," in different combinations. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT EVERY "VARIATION ON" a food (style, prep, etc.) TO HAVE "TAKEN IN" THE "ESSENCES" OF ALL ITS INDIVIDUAL "INGREDIENTS." ...but honestly it's like ART. It IS the unique combination OF color & media that makes UNIQUE BEAUTY. ...and part of me DOES want to "see/ taste it ALL." It's because it IS beautiful & good & true. It's not "greed"; it's sheer WONDER & AWE & GRATITUDE. The PROBLEM is I keep seeking "SATISFACTION" on EARTH. That's IMPOSSIBLE, because this "body hunger" is FOR GOD, Who MADE ME TO DESIRE HIM-- and He IS INFINITE, so MY GOD-GIVEN DESIRE & WANT & NEED IS ALSO INFINITE BY DESIGN, because it's MEANT for HEAVEN. I AM subconsciously seeking the Beatific Vision. So I REALLY NEED to be AWARE of this, so I STOP TRYING TO "GET ALL THE DATA" about God's sensible gifts under the FALSE fear that "IF I DON'T, I WON'T KNOW PART OF GOD." Listen dude, YOU'RE JUST ONE PERSON AND YOU AREN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR, OR ABLE TO, "KNOW/ DO" EVERYTHING!!! IF YOU don't EVER learn what "braised chicken" tastes like, SOME OTHER SOUL DOES, AND AS PART OF CHRIST'S BODY, THAT "KNOWLEDGE" IS EFFECTIVELY "COLLECTIVE" IN HIM??? And in ANY case, CHRIST "KNOWS" because HE IS the SOURCE & CAUSE & PERFECTION of ALL EARTHLY WONDER & BEAUTY & GOODNESS & TRUTH. If YOU don't eat it, IT'S NOT LOST! There will ALWAYS be SOMEONE ELSE to eat it, AS GOD CHOOSES! YOU AREN'T "FAILING" HIM BY NOT HAVING IT BECAUSE HE NEVER "OBLIGATES" YOU TO. He wants you to WORSHIP & PRAISE HIM in ALL you have AND DON'T HAVE. ...I'm not making sense. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY "SOURCE OF DATA COLLECTION." GOD IS THE DATA. AND YOU WILL KNOW HIM IN HEAVEN FOR REAL. I'm not getting to the root. I STILL WANT TO KNOW ALL I CAN. And so I'm AFRAID to SAY "NO" to ANY "NEW DATA" to "EXPAND" my "knowing" of Him, insofar as I'm SEEKING Him IN sensory input. BUT GOD IS SPIRIT!!! Dude you CAN KNOW EVEN MORE OF HIM IN PRAYER & WORSHIP & then YOU WON'T "NEED" TO LOOK FOR MERE CRUMBS OF HIS INFINITE ABUNDANCE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD!!!   

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My therapist asked, "were you FED well as a child?" And YES, we WERE fed, SURPRISINGLY WELL actually. We ALWAYS had fruits & vegetables, homecooked meals & desserts, family meals whenever possible, and NO box dinners/ fast food OR "junk food". We had ethnic Polish holiday meals & handmade birthday cakes. Our parents always strived to give us healthy food & balanced nutrition & regular exposure to new & different foods. We were honestly SO BLESSED. ...but we were EMOTIONALLY STARVED. We were given FOOD & SWEETS as "reward" or "comfort," instead of warm embraces & sincere words & real intimacy. We got SHOW without SUBSTANCE far too often. The family dinners frequently turned into fights. People left early & refused to finish their meals. I was at least once tied to a chair & forced to eat every last crumb. We were often told that we "couldn't have more" or "that's all you get" or "you have to be GOOD to get more." Our family obsessed over money to the point of often buying food that was already expired or rotting, especially grandpa. Eating itself was shamed as "gross," "piggish," "a chore," etc. Our plates were criticized whenever we chose our own servings. "Eat what's in front of you whether you like it or not." And yet, LIKING food was ALSO shamed? Like it would MAKE us greedy & entitled, & food ALWAYS felt "rationed" & "limited" & "forbidden," controlled & dictated. I felt "compelled" to sneak & hide food that I liked at an early age, afraid that it would be confiscated & I'd be punished, I think by being FORBIDDEN FROM eating such "enjoyable food" from then on? All I knew is that fear that it's be taken from me, "now that I FINALLY had some." And yet the SHAME & GUILT would frequently drive me to destroy the very food I had stashed in the same terror of discovery. It was painfully ironic. All the other food in the house "WASN'T MINE"? Even nibbling on dry cereal could get me spanked for "acting like a chipmunk" or something. And this whole time, there was no feeling of family community. There was no real communion. I always felt alone, foraging. It all started early, it seems. It's sad. So, no, in a deep way I WASN'T fed. I would forcefeed myself Easter chocolate & Christmas cookies like I'd somehow lose the joy if I didn't swallow as much as I could. I always got scolded, but I never stopped wanting it, more of it than was possible, even when it made me sick & frightened, & I was ashamed & confused & sad. When the eating disorder was in full force I ate a whole cherry-cheese kolachi by myself like I would die tomorrow & I cried. I just wanted the joy, the warmth, the sweetness, the love. I tasted family tradition & grandma's loving care in that roll and I cried. My heart was still so, so hungry. It still is, and I cannot look to ANYONE ELSE to feed it. Only God can, & He wants ME to cooperate in the work. I NEED to fill my life WITH beauty & warmth & joy & love & wonder & sincerity & deep connection. NO ONE ELSE WILL, CAN, OR SHOULD. It's MY JOB & MY PRIVILEGE. That is going to be ESSENTIAL to recovery. I CANNOT "live" from a skinny starving famine ration mindset anymore. I MUST be "poor in spirit," BY trusting in GOD'S ABUNDANCE. It's a holy paradox. This DOESN'T MEAN SELF-NEGLECT. it's just humility & gratitude. I HAVE TO LOVE THIS BODY, AND MIND, AND SOUL, AS A UNITED WHOLE, AS ITS HEART. Please God, help me to feed & care for this life well. And MAKE SURE I FOCUS ALL THESE EFFORTS ON YOU, GOD, THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE & LIFE.

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✳ Staff girl, watching Coco with us = "HE'S REAL; HE STILL HAS MEAT ON HIS BONES"

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✳ GET EDIBLE "PAPER" & "INK" = EAT AFFIRMATIONS!!! (POWERFUL SYMBOLIC RITUAL)

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Well, we finally got the guts & heart to choose the meatball sub SPECIFICALLY as an ACT OF LOVE "IN HONOR/ MEMORY OF" KRISTANOVA, but all of a sudden, ANOTHER foni is feeling TRAPPED & ANGRY at this, MISERABLE & HELPLESS beneath, like "we STILL can't escape CNC"? Which IS a valid feeling that we NEED to respond to. First, though, we CAN'T AVOID EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH CNC & TBAS out of FEAR &/or RESENTMENT. That's TOXIC TO OUR HEART, & it's also FALSELY LABELING REALITY. This meatball sub effort is STEP ONE in TRULY "ESCAPING" by moving into LOVE & FORGIVING MERCY. The truth is, we ARE OUT OF CNC, PHYSICALLY. But we ARE "TRAPPED" EMOTIONALLY, UNTIL WE CAN MOVE INTO COMPASSION FOR BOTH US & THEM. We'll probably never see Kristanova again. But we DID love him, AND Ollie, AND Kyo & Trolley & Toy Soldier & Thirteen & Ohmiette & everyone else. But Kris did something TO us that DAMAGED us, and SINCE WE KNOW HIS ANCHOR, we KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. He was just broken, too. So we WANT TO FORGIVE HIM, as much as we MUST. And this upcoming dinner is a real concrete gesture of that, the only thing we can do here towards that end, but one powerfully tangible nevertheless. We bought him one out of sheer gratitude for his existence & he REALIZED & CHERISHED that. LET THIS BE THE CONTINUED SYMBOL OF THAT GRATITUDE. Let it be a private but true TESTIMONY to the REALITY of the LOVE our Systems shared, however trauma-distorted & wounded it was. We STILL LOVED THEM AS MUCH AS WE COULD, in the ONLY WAYS WE KNEW HOW. And I WANT TO FOCUS ON & REMEMBER THAT. In a way, it's a CROSS. It REQUIRES "BEARING" THE SUFFERING dealt by the ONES WE LOVE who "DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DID." The Cross CONQUERS DEATH by DYING TO DEATH, THROUGH DEATH-- death TO SIN. And that sinful part of us-- bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, blame, etc. that WE DON'T WANT & that are IN CONFLICT with the TRUTH-- HAS TO "DIE," THROUGH THIS SELF-GIVING LOVE, EVEN "FOR OUR ENEMIES"-- with the GOAL of FORGIVING them & RESTORING RELATIONSHIP with them AS BELOVEDS.



prismaticbleed: (shatter)

to Kristanova.

On "Pride Day" in 2017, you and Oliver did something to us that we still can't come to terms with. I don't know how you remember it, and we barely remember it at all. We've never talked about it because we KNOW you weren't trying to do what it FELT like to us, and that's OUR fault.
You asked us, "do you trust me?" and we DID, we DO, but... we didn't want what you wanted. We trusted YOU not to hurt us. But we KNEW that what you wanted to DO WOULD hurt us. And we couldn't admit that, out of fear that it would hurt YOU.
We knew you existed BECAUSE of Oliver's fear that he WAS a predator, and we NEVER wanted to make you even begin to think that was true because it's NOT. (Ironically, WE believed that SAME THING about ourself.) 
...But I have to be brutally honest. In that moment, you DID SEEM LIKE ONE. And I'm sorry.
You had us pinned to the floor and we saw your teeth and you asked us that question and everything in us was screaming from terror. We wanted to fight you off tooth and claw and run for our life out the door. We were staring death in the face and it looked like you and we TRUSTED you, we KNEW you weren't a predator but what was happening to us then? What were you doing? What did you want?

(crossed out line seems to read = "even if you weren't eating us alive, you were still the means of our death sentence"?)

Oliver said he loved us. You said you loved us. And the horrible thing is we TRUSTED you, we TRUSTED that you DID somehow, but what you both were doing to us WASN'T LOVE.
I'm sorry. It wasn't. You said it was. It wasn't. Love doesn't do that.
It was rough & scary & we don't remember anything but sharp canine teeth & hot carnivore breath & being pinned to the filthy rug like a dying animal. Like prey.
We were at your mercy and you probably (line crossed out)

Infinitii was probably there, mimicking you like ze was built to do, mirroring all the terror in hir receptive blackness and trying to get us accustomed to the dark. "This is what love is like."
It wasn't. I can't apologize anymore.

You lusted after us like you did for a bleeding steak.
We were something to devour & savor & chew up.
We were something to own & conquer & possess. 
You didn't love us the way we hoped you did, and the worst part is, deep down, we knew it. But we didn't dare admit it. We trusted you.

At the end someone said "happy Pride" and they sounded like the devil himself and we wanted to kill you.
That wasn't love. You ruined us. You ravaged us.
You treated our body like a plaything. That wasn't love.
Everything smelled like animals and rot.
We hated you. We wanted to KILL you.
But we only felt that because WE STILL LOVED YOU.
...and you had killed us first.

You called us a backstabber. You sunk your teeth in our neck.
We were at fault. Poor Infinitii showed up every time we wanted to fight or flee, to die or destroy, and ze was effectively the "fawn" to our "freeze." We loved you. You said you loved us.
We didn't want what you all called "love." We had no choice.
It's why we never said "it's over."
Had it ever begun to begin with?
Did we ever want to end it?
Our life with all of you was that exact nightmarish paradox.

But back to you, Kris.
We STILL love you. We DID know YOU. And although it DESTROYED us, we DON'T DEFINE YOU BY WHAT YOU DID.
Instead we remember the glimmers of goodness in "glorious spite" of all the fear & misery & pain within ourself.
We remember you & Laurie walking through the city.
We remember you smoking against the car in the parking lot.
We remember you flipping the eggs with one hand.
We remember the exact look of your eyes when you fronted.
We remember your face, listening to "Sweater Weather."
We remember glimpsing you in the hookah parlor.
Oliver loved you so much. He drew you so beautifully. 
We hated what you did and we confused it with you but it was only because we couldn't cope with the conflict. 
But if we hadn't loved you, it wouldn't have hurt so badly.
We're sorry. It wasn't love. But there WAS love, somewhere.
We were all so broken & lost & confused and we ALL hurt each other more than we ever imagined we could. We both left so many scars & wounds on each other. We were ALL at fault. 
We're so, so sorry. We never meant to deal such damage.
But we did. And so did you.
And we forgive you. And we love you, Kristanova, even now.

We're in treatment for that curse of an eating disorder right now. In a way we hope you're proud of us. We know you always told us to fight, to be strong. You and Laurie got along so well. 

Tomorrow, our first "cycle" anniversary of 3 weeks here, the dinner is a meatball hoagie. It's the same as the one we bought for you. We remember the look on your face when we gave it to you, when it hit you that YOU meant something REAL to us-- that we SAW you when no one else outside did. You mattered to us. You still do. 

So, tomorrow evening, we'll eat that sub and remember you & be grateful for our ability to do both, now. 
As simple an action as it is, it's a gesture of honest affection & forgiveness. You're not an enemy. We don't reject you.
But we have to move on. It's been 6 years. This is a farewell as much at is is a remembrance.
I just want it to finally "end" in peace.



092724

Sep. 27th, 2024 10:11 am
prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)


✳ Our "self-care is to benefit others" insight yesterday, AND group today, made me realize something. I THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE BEING AROUND & TALKING TO PEOPLE. All that unexpressed LOVE in me is ACTIVELY & FINALLY FINDING AN OUTLET here in inpatient, & I THINK I NEED THIS. IT'S WHY I KEEP RUNNING BACK TO MOM. IT'S WHY I STILL WANT A JOB. IT'S WHY I WON'T EVEN QUIT TUMBLR. OUR "PLURALITY" IS JUST ANOTHER EXPRESSION OF OUR INNATE, GOD-GIVEN, HUMAN PURPOSE-- COMMUNION!!! AND WITHOUT IT, THE EATING DISORDER APPARENTLY KICKS IN AS A "SUBSTITUTE." After all, EATING IS COMMUNION BY DESIGN!! And ALL of our past "trauma" situations-- ALL of the people who we considered we "BELONGED" to, & STILL "give power to" as AUTHORITY over us-- INVOLVED BROKEN/ UNREQUITED/ DISHONEST "COMMUNION" = LOVE. I HAVEN'T MOVED ON BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP LOVING THEM & HAVEN'T "FOUND" ANYONE ELSE NOW TO GIVE IT TO?? And the eating disorder was like "bleeding out the overload" out of sheer distress?? OR IS THAT THE "POISON" FEAR??? ALL THE "COMMUNION" WE GOT-- ALL THE "FOOD" FOR OUR HEART & SOUL-- WAS ROTTEN OR TOXIC. No wonder we always ate literal garbage with the eating disorder; we were not only "used to it," but it was "SCAVENGER" behavior: "this is the BEST YOU'LL GET," even the "best you DESERVE"? Or not even "best," but "ONLY"; the FEAR of losing the SCRAPS, out of HUNGER? ALSO "CAN'T SAY NO"-- like I CAN'T "throw ANYTHING out," even CRUMBS? "FAMINE" MINDSET. "UNGRATEFUL." Also childhood meals= "lick your plate clean," like IF YOU DON'T, you WILL STARVE?? "PUNISHMENT." COMPULSIVE FORCEFEEDING. "EAT IT ALL OR YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING LATER"?? NO JOY OR PEACE. But WHY the "looking for MORE"? OR just OF OUR OWN FREE VOLITION? NOT FORCED/ COMPULSIVE; WANTING to ACTUALLY FEEL "FED"?
✳ GARBAGE EATING also MERCY?? "Even IF it got thrown away, there's STILL something EDIBLE left in it; I CAN'T be SO UNGRATEFUL/ UNKIND as to NEGLECT/ IGNORE/ DEVALUE that"?? ALSO in treatment, SCRAPING/ LICKING containers/ peels/ lids/ etc. "PERFECT/ COMPLETIONIST"; "YOU CAN'T THROW AWAY FOOD, EVEN THE SCRAPS." AFRAID = "ALL OR NOTHING" EAT/FEED VS. REJECT/STARVE??? "It's EITHER FOOD OR GARBAGE"?? NO OVERLAP?? And the thought of "throwing something out" UNEATEN/ UNUSED/ UNLOVED?? is almost PAINFUL? Like I HAVE to "RESCUE/ SAVE/ REDEEM it" by EATING IT DOWN TO THE BONE, and EVEN THAT TOO if I can. WHAT IS THIS?? HOW DOES THIS PLAY INTO COMMUNION? Is that something I IDENTIFY WITH? & ALSO with "abuse," "there's STILL GOOD in them/ I STILL LOVE THEM" therefore "I MUST EAT EVEN WHAT OTHERS WOULD CALL GARBAGE"?? ALSO I FEEL LIKE, ONCE IT'S "GARBAGE," I CAN EAT IT AS "MINE"?? (NO COMPULSIVE MIMICRY/ OBEDIENCE?) Like I DON'T DESERVE/ CAN'T CHOOSE "REAL FOOD" (it BELONGS to OTHERS); but THE TRASH IS "MINE"?? It's "ALL I GET." I FEEL SORRY FOR IT. I even LOOK for it. ("PICKING UP THE PIECES DISCARDED")
✳ IS THIS AXIS'S TERRITORY??

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✳The "desert island" exercise in art group today made me realize two very unsettling things... 1) I'm NOT thinking about PHYSICAL CARE/ SURVIVAL, OR 2) OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS IN THAT REGARD. My fellow patients are bringing medkits & tents & knives & water filters, and NONE of that even OCCURRED to me. I'm here thinking "I'll need a solarpowered laptop to write about the experience" and I DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER that I would need CLOTHING & FOOD & SHELTER & TOOLS. I'm listening to them, stunned & shaken, because IT ALL IS "NEW" TO MY MINDSET. That's SCARY. Of course I'd objectively NEED to eat & sleep, but... the "FUTURE FACT" of that DIDN'T CROSS MY MIND. I like "assumed" I'd just "find" fruits & catch fish I guess, & sleep on the ground. But the FIRST THOUGHT of "what would you bring to a desert island" was "THE BIBLE & A LAPTOP," NOT  THE BODY. OR does my subconscious NOT PRIORITIZE SURVIVAL?? ONLY the "INTERNAL/ ETERNAL"? That explains my schedule!

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✳"WHO can front to handle DISCOMFORT" = WHAT are the RESONANT SUFFERINGS OF EACH COLOR, that we can CARRY TOGETHER & NOT DISSOCIATE/ LEAVE IT TO KAKOFONI OR NEGATIVE SOMAFONI???
✳ OUR PERSPECTIVE MUST SHIFT from COMPLAINT to the CROSS!!!
✳ "OFFER IT UP" REQUIRES GRATITUDE/ LOVE/ TRUST = WORSHIP & SACRIFICE ("MAKE HOLY")!

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✳ My goal today is to "befriend discomfort" & boy I am REALLY uncomfortable with the upsetting realization that my mealplan choices for the weekend are COWARDLY & REPETITIVE. I chose the SAME fruits for EVERY meal, I'm LOOPING cottage cheese, & I ACTIVELY AVOIDED CHALLENGE FOODS. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING BACK INTO LOOPS??? IS THAT JUST THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE? Dude you NEED to get your hands on the Book of Night With Moon & DRAW AN ARROW POINTING UP OUTTA THAT THING!!
...That too. "Arrow." I APPARENTLY HAVEN'T MOVED ON. Those broken arrows are STILL stabbed into OUR heart. ...God we MIGHT NEED INFI BACK. Ze was ESSENTIAL to EVERYTHING during that time: our LOVE, our TRAUMA, our IDENTITY, our ACTIONS. WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EVEN DISCUSS OUR HISTORY SINCE 2013 WITHOUT DIRECTLY  CONSTANTLY REFERRING TO HIR, AND TO JAY. AND STEP ONE IS READING THE ARCHIVES, AS WE UPLOAD THEM. Those memories have been SUPPRESSED and RUN FROM for SIX SOLID YEARS, if not SEVEN for some. THAT'S INSANE. NO WONDER we're stuck. SO PLEASE, DO THAT IMMEDIATELY UPON DISCHARGE. We CANNOT PUT THIS OFF ANYMORE. IT'S THE UNDENIABLE KEY TO UNLOCK SO MANY MYSTERIES & STRUGGLES, and I GUARANTEE you, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL inevitably be EXCRUCIATING at times, it is ALSO ABSOLUTELY FULL OF LOVE, REAL AND TRUE, AND YOU ALL KNOW IT, "DESPITE" THE TRAUMA. LOVE (GOD) KEPT US ALIVE. So don't be afraid. It WILL wake up our hearts, by FINALLY allowing us to "FILL IN THE GAPS" & CONNECT/ INTEGRATE our PAST & PRESENT, enabling us to REMEMBER the WHOLE PICTURE of WHO WE ARE, WOUNDS & ALL, so that WE CAN BUILD/ CHOOSE/ LIVE A REAL & GENUINE & TRUTHFUL & POSSIBLE FUTURE, TOGETHER, IN RECOVERY from ALL the tragedy of our ACTUAL PAST... with NO HIDING, NO DENIAL, NO HATRED, NO BITTERNESS, AT LONG LAST. And with THAT 7-year wound HEALED (and kissed), we can be FREE TO FULLY & JOYFULLY FORGIVE IN TOTALITY & DEVOTE OURSELF UNRESERVEDLY TO GOD'S SERVICE & GLORY. That "void" IS holding us back currently, because we CAN'T GIVE that part of ourselves AND history TO God IF WE CAN'T "HOLD" IT ENOUGH TO SURRENDER IT ENTIRELY TO HIM!!

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LOTOPHAGOI WE NEED (esp. inpatient) =
✳ MILK = "BABY CHERUB" to DRINK it; HEAL "baby" fear? TRUE PURPOSE OF MILK! INNOCENT
✳ COTCHS/ YOG = "HOLY COW." SACRIFICIAL (LOVE) ANIMAL + MOTHERHOOD?  (+BEEF?? OR A ?)
✳ FRUIT JUICE = BUTTERFLY/ HUMMINGBIRD?? "Nectar" similarity & "dignification" of context
✳ APPLESAUCE = ASTRONAUT?? "FIRST FOOD EATEN IN SPACE." OR AN ALIEN? (this food is SPECIAL to BOTH)
✳ FRUIT CUPS = GROUP ↑ ? ✳ONLY CERTAIN FRUITS COME CUT UP IN CUPS. DISTINCTION IS ESSENTIAL! (PEACHES/ PINEAPPLE/ PAPAYA?) (BIRDS AT ZOO? (FEED))
✳ "KIDS MEALS" (chicken tenders, mac & cheese, etc.?) (CAN'T BE "GROUPED"; INDIVIDUAL ASSOCIATIONS)
✳ SUNBUTTER = tough because it's DENSE; vibe too "heavy" for a flower/ fairy? 

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✳ IF YOU COULD TELL/ TALK TO MOM ABOUT ANYTHING IN A LETTER:
● She NEEDS to understand that the eating disorder is TIED TO THE "SLAVE" MINDSET & THE GENDER FEAR & the SEXUAL TRAUMA. The latter is old new & (to me) easy to explain: I didn't want to "grow up to be a woman." I didn't want to get married OR like boys OR have sex & therefore babies. I saw a picture of a young adult male in a teen mag at age 13 & IMMEDIATELY thought, "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THAT." And since I associated womanhood with FAT = breasts = curves, I STOPPED EATING during the day in an attempt to PREVENT that change, AND perhaps "insulate/ protect" myself from the PROFOUNDLY INVASIVE experience of sharing meals, ESPECIALLY with peers (STRANGERS & often HYPERSEXUAL/ SECULAR) in a FORCED & ARTIFICIAL setting/ environment, AND WORSE because I'd be EXPECTED/ FORCED to TALK = SELFDISCLOSURE = "STRIPPED & INVADED." Ironically/ revealingly, I WAS ACTUALLY & ONLY COMFORTABLE EATING around GIRLS I LIKED, because that "almost shared" meal was the ONLY WAY I COULD FEEL CLOSE TO/ WANTED & ACCEPTED & WELCOMED by them. (Mary/ AAA) Part of me wished I could eat with boys? NOT out of "attraction" BUT because I wanted to BE LIKE THEM? Strong, funny, athletic, comedic, self-confident, and with that "TOMBOY FIRE" I felt FORCED to CRUSH in that school uniform skirt & brassiere. Furthermore, I sensed that MAYBE I'd be loved BY the girls IF I were "more like" a boy? Although I ALREADY wanted to LOOK/ ACT more like a boy for my OWN personal gender reasons, NOW I saw they had a "ROLE" IN RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANTED THAT ROLE. But I digress. This ALL messed with eating mostly because I was now FASTING DAILY for 12+ hours on average, & as I got older & the body DID change & I experienced MORE frequent & horrific abuse at Julie's hands (exacerbated by social/ cultural/ media exposure), EATING in GENERAL became terrifying, & I began to HIDE when I ate/ eat PRIVATELY out of SHAME/ FEAR/ TRAUMA OVERLAP. BUT this early we WEREN'T in the "slave" mindset; our meals were still BY DEFAULT decided by the fam, & we had NO OPPORTUNITY/ REASON to choose "association foods" because we had NO "authorities" OUTSIDE of the fam (& we all ate the SAME)... EXCEPT FANDOMS, WHICH IS A HUGE REALIZATION BTW-- this is WHY our "favorite foods" weren't even things we "liked," but were things our favorite CHARACTERS liked or were associated with (tunafish, apples, blackberries, etc.). But the "SLAVE" but STARTED with SALT LAKE CITY in ~2009. This is ALSO (I think) WHEN the PILFER/ SCAVENGER mentality BEGAN in earnest. I was STARVING from NEGLECT on EVERY LEVEL OF MY EXISTENCE, and out of both desperation & heartache I just started to "TAKE WHAT I COULD GET." ...I wonder if this was ALSO a "KICKBACK" from the CONSTANT GIVING, but NEVER REPLENISHING THE STORES, because FOOD IS COMMUNION & I HAD NONE. No WONDER I was so determined & yearning to "go back HOME to my FAMILY." ...and I think it's why I STILL feel that way. Humans are LITERALLY MADE FOR THOSE THINGS, BY GOD'S DESIGN. Heaven is our TRUE home. The Church is our TRUE family. And I've KNOWN that deep down ALL MY LIFE, but it DOESN'T INVALIDATE THE WORLDLY REFLECTION OF IT either. Home & family IS where we are FIRST FED & FIRST ENTER INTO COMMUNION/ COMMUNITY, FROM BIRTH. And when we LOSE or LACK that, I think that something in our souls (as GOD'S children) SEEKS that out of REAL HUNGER. And I do. And so I MUST set my heart ON GOD'S KINGDOM. ONLY HE CAN satisfy my poor starving soul.



prismaticbleed: (worried)

"Weaknesses" in treatment plan outline/ treatment plan points to discuss

● LIMITED SUPPORT SYSTEM = OUTSIDE, not INSIDE! And we CANNOT pretend we DON'T need one, because WE MUST LIVE IN THE BODY NOW, which means LIVING IN COMMUNITY, which man was CREATED FOR (RELATIONSHIP) and which is NECESSARY to be HUMBLE & CHARITABLE. Of course therapists do help, & crisis lines. But we SHOULD seek support in the context of a SPECIFIC focus support GROUP? or even just the CHURCH! And PHYSICAL interaction is preferable so we LEARN (not in theory) TO EXIST not just IN THE BODY but as a PERSON/ in a SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT. This WILL take time & effort and honestly right now it's SCARY & EXHAUSTING because OUR "SELF" ISN'T STABLE ENOUGH YET TO DO THIS?? So THAT is PRIORITY. It WILL require "setting boundaries," "asserting needs," etc. WITHOUT isolating OR preventing vulnerability & openness.
● A BIG step TOWARDS this IS IMPROVING OUR FAMILY RELATIONS which we DESPERATELY WANT. The problem is, DO THEY EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ME? If not, I understand. But I MUST BECOME the kind of person they COULD want to be around. And THAT striving to become a better person for them WILL allow me to be that better self SOCIALLY. It really is self-denial & the Cross, for CHARITY'S SAKE. And again, I MUST TAKE INITIATIVE, yet STILL BE PATIENT & HUMBLE. THEY STILL MIGHT NOT WANT YOU. And so, ultimately, our TRUE motivation for this MUST BE GOD. We're striving to obey the 4th Commandment for HIS sake, NOT for ANY earthly rewards. So DON'T RELAPSE OR DESPAIR, EVEN IF YOUR EFFORTS TO RECOVER & BECOME KIND MEAN NOTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. I actually CAN'T do this JUST "for them" or I'll COLLAPSE. My ULTIMATE end MUST BE TO HONOR GOD, IN honoring my family, EVEN IF MY FAMILY REJECTS ME STILL. I'll have set my real goal higher, one that of course INCLUDES them IN LOVE, but DOESN'T make THEIR REACTION the "deciding factor" of my efforts to "be GOOD" for REAL. ONLY GOD IS THAT JUDGE FOR REAL! Love Him AND love your fam FOR Him too! 
In the event that my family DOES reject me, I NEED REAL FRIENDS. I've NEVER HAD ANY. And deep down I still wonder about relationships. But that's too much to even consider right now (due to guilt & shame & fear). Inevitably, these friendships MUST HAVE GOD AS THE TRANSCENDENT THIRD. But Lord knows I YEARN to pour myself out for someone, to really LOVE them, & HELP them, and ideally yes I WANT to PROTECT them, which always comes up when I think about this. I'll need to give that deeper thought elsewhere; it MIGHT be a REROUTING of Jay's FATHERHOOD instinct. In any case, I do want to learn HOW to have REAL, SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, esp. where to FIND or LOOK for them. My only map: CHURCH. And I must FIRST become a TRUE "FRIEND" MYSELF FIRST. I CAN'T HAVE A FRIEND IF I CAN'T RESPOND MUTUALLY TO THEIR LOVE. If I'm too bloody self-obsessed TO be truly supportive, the friendship will rot. I WANT TO BE THE FRIEND YOU CAN RELY ON EVEN AT 3AM. And honestly? THAT WEIGHTY OF A VIRTUOUS DISPOSITION HAS TO BE FED. You have to START SMALL but BE CONSISTENT & TAKE EVERY CHANCE YOU GET TO STRENGTHEN THAT VIRTUE BY MAKING IT HABITUAL. PRAY for those chances AND the GRACE TO RESPOND to them READILY & WITH COURAGEOUS LOVE. And God IS giving you those changes WITH YOUR FAMILY. Which brings us, fittingly, back around to "NEEDS." There WILL be "conflicts" but they CAN BE RESOLVED TO MUTUAL BENEFIT, IF I PUT THIS VIRTUOUS EFFORT IN. If I, through recovery, gain the INNER FREEDOM TO find ways to meet my needs WITHOUT DENYING OTHERS, then I can READILY & INSTANTLY JUMP TO SERVE, "ON CALL," knowing that BY GOD'S PROVIDENCE I CAN STILL MEET THEIR NEEDS AND GOD WILL MEET MINE IN DUE TIME. And He HAS DONE THIS ALREADY, CONSISTENTLY. HIS LOVE FOR YOU IS REAL. TRUST IT, & RELY ON HIM!!
● "Haven't learned how to plan for the future" = first, I was convinced I'd die at age 20 so I never planned. I had my first suicide attempt around that age ironically. When I didn't die & hit age 21 I was SO LOST. And that's SECOND = I "gave control of my life" to SLC/ CNC/ UPMC basically. I STILL WAS UNABLE TO EVEN IMAGINE A FUTURE because I was STILL JUST SURVIVING DAY TO DAY, and dictating ALL my behavior & "choices" according to ARBITRARY AUTHORITY. I was either INCAPABLE (trauma) of or FORBIDDEN (obedient submission) to plan for ANY sort of PERSONAL FUTURE. The FIRST TIME that's EVER CHANGED, & VERY SUDDENLY, was in 2022 when Grandma died & I moved out & I HAD NOTHING TO GO BACK TO & NO ACTIVE AUTHORITY DIRECTING ME. So I FLAILED for a while, "defaulting" to PAST "orders," and STILL JUST "LIVING TO SURVIVE." I still felt like I wasn't GOING to have a future, ESPECIALLY not "of my own"?? How could I even IMAGINE it when my life had ALWAYS been marked by a series of SUDDEN DRAMATIC UNEXPECTED TRAUMA that CHANGED EVERYTHING & therefore DESTROYED ALL PREVIOUS "PLANS" for the future because THAT future was NO LONGER POSSIBLE? It's utterly devastating & after a while you just stop planning. Getting through today safely becomes all you CAN "plan for" & it FUELS that sort of "tomorrow doesn't exist" mindset? It's why I struggle even with the concept of "leftovers." What if I don't wake up tomorrow? What if a bomb hits? What if I am forcibly evicted? And these "anxieties" DON'T occur AS "what ifs"; I DON'T "think about" them really because ultimately, I EXPECT ALL THOSE "WHAT IFS" TO END IN DEATH. So why even "plan" how to SURVIVE, if you WON'T? Deep down, some key part of my mind is just RESIGNED TO DYING, and IMMINENTLY. But WHY is that STILL so strong in my psyche?? What are its TRUE ROOTS, the roots that convinced teen me that I'd never survive to adulthood? Even in the League, I saw AGE 16 as a "full life" & COULDN'T EVEN CONCEPTUALIZE ADULTHOOD. Is THAT PART OF THIS?? ESPECIALLY WITH THE ANOREXIA? Do I feel like I CAN ONLY "EXIST" AS A CHILD?? Do I see adulthood/ maturation AS DEATH?? And, even if I COULD become a child again, how WOULD I "see the future" ahead if I DIDN'T WANT TO "GROW UP"? Does that very child mindset lock me into a "perpetual TODAY" that unfortunately inevitably makes it IMPOSSIBLE to ACTUALLY live IN REALITY NOW as an adult who NEEDS to PROVIDE for themselves AND plan for the future as PART of that effort?
✳ BUT I'm realizing that IT DOESN'T REGISTER AS "SELF" CARE??? I DON'T SEE THIS (THIN) ADULT BODY AS ME. AND "WHICH" 'ME'" IS DRIVING? I'M CHRONOLOGICALLY SLICED. There are MULTIPLE JEWELS AND MULTIPLE JESSICAS, AND WE HAVEN'T HAD A "NAME" IN EARNEST SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE DIED. The "Spinel hair" fugue is still a mystery, but EVERYONE knows how unstable we were coming back around 2023, because there were TWO FATAL INTERNAL TRAUMAS; the forced destruction of the Jay bloodline FUTURE, and Infinitii's subsequent death (in light of trauma affecting the present). And honestly, INSIDE, THAT'S the stuck point. Those two were our ONLY STABLE IDENTITY, AND OUR FIRST & ONLY HOPE FOR AN ADULT FUTURE, even if in the end it proved impossible. But they COULD "LOOK FORWARD." Now, without them, we have to learn HOW to again-- and STEP ONE is STABILIZING OUR CORE, AND THEIR NAME!!! We CAN'T plan for the future of our WHOLE self, BODY AND SOUL, WITHOUT THAT PLANNING BEING INTO A "NEW" CORE THAT INHABITS BOTH. And ironically, WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT SINCE we were a child! REMEMBER, BY 2003 IT WAS SPLIT (J/J bloodlines)! So we're OVER 2 DECADES "LATE" IN THIS. But better late than never. ALSO, did the CELEBI split happen EARLIER (poke2 & 2001)?? Geez this is ANCIENT. Still, it's explaining a LOT. Bottom line is THIS: WE HAVE TO DARE TO HOPE, IF ONLY FOR GOD'S SAKE. Even if we DO die tonight, we CAN'T SUCCUMB TO DESPONDENCY. We MUST LIVE, even if only for 5 more minutes. OUR LIFE IS BIGGER THAN US & WE ARE A STEWARD OF THIS GIFT. So we HAVE to think of THEIR FUTURE TOO.
● "Physical/ mental problems" that would be WEAKNESSES during recovery? The ONLY thing I know immediately is that I CAN'T REALLY RECOVER IF I IGNORE THE SYSTEM. I ALSO know that if I DON'T FACE OUR REAL TRAUMA HISTORY HEAD-ON, those denied/ buried horrors WILL CONTINUE TO FUEL DISORDERED BEHAVIOR, EITHER through the eating disorder OR through some OTHER form of addictive, numbing, self-abusive behavior cycles. The BAD ROOTS are giving us ROTTEN FRUITS, which is ironically VERY applicable TO our eating disorder trauma. If we don't DIG THEM UP & DEAL WITH THEM, they will only perpetuate the mental problems, and poison us to boot. We have to UPROOT that ENTIRE "TREE" branching out from the trauma, then TILL that ground, PLANT GOOD SEEDS, and NOURISH THEM TO GROW INTO GOOD FOOD, AS GOD INTENDED US TO BE, for HEALING & JOY & COMMUNION & LOVE between US & PEOPLE & GOD.
● "Physical problems" are baffling me. How would such a thing be a "weakness" in eating disorder recovery? Maybe just the IBS & GERD being potential "behavior triggers" when they flare up. But otherwise, my only OTHER obstacles are ENVIRONMENTAL, such as a lack of available transportation & limited access to stores & limited finances. But we can make it work! We CAN walk to the Dollar store & drug stores in a pinch, & the bus DOES go to at least two local grocery stores, so we'll have to try that one day, just to open up that option. AND, now that we're learning to be more free/ less stubborn & controlling with food, we CAN use what we get in food drives, AND maybe if we budget it we CAN once in a while buy a meal at a local restaurant! So there ARE things we CAN work on to continue & expand recovery. We just HAVE TO PUT THE EFFORT IN FOR EFFORT'S SAKE, so to speak. WE CAN'T CHICKEN OUT. We must BUILD THE VIRTUES OF DISCIPLINE, & COURAGE, & REAL RIGHTEOUS OBEDIENCE. If we DON'T work to "expand our comfort zone" and be more ACTIVE & INVOLVED IN OUR LOCAL COMMUNITY, we'll SHRINK back down into self-centered fear. We HAVE TO GROW BEYOND OUR SELF. And we MUST get friendlier WITH OUT NEIGHBORS, which will FINALLY BE POSSIBLE when you're NOT SHACKLING YOURSELF TO RIGID EATING RULES & TIMES. When you DON'T "HAVE TO" only eat CERTAIN foods at CERTAIN times and in CERTAIN ways, then you're FREE to MEET & JOIN OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR SPACES. And God knows I LOVE PEOPLE and I WANT TO DO THAT. So PLANT THE SEEDS. START LAYING A FOUNDATION TO BUILD VIRTUE. You HAVE to start SMALL like a mustard seed & CARE for it so it CAN GROW & FLOURISH & BECOME A CHANNEL/ SOURCE OF GOOD FOR OTHERS! You NEED to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE IN THE FIELD. You WILL get stronger AS you eat. Your SOUL will get stronger AS you FEED IT VIRTUE, ESPECIALLY CHARITY. And NO ONE CAN EAT ALONE. IT'S ALL GIFT, ALL COMMUNION. That applies to ALL food (LIFE), EVEN METAPHOR & CONCEPT & SYMBOL. Please remember this.
● I'm not too worried about "failed treatment attempts" because I will ALWAYS KEEP ATTEMPTING. That's why I'm here. It's DETERMINED HOPE. And those past treatments DIDN'T actually "fail." I DID heal & recover & learn & grow in REAL, TRUE WAYS, and I DIDN'T & CANNOT lose that progress, EVEN when I "relapsed." I STILL CANNOT EVER "GO BACK" TO "BEFORE TREATMENT." We KEEP GOING.
● "All or nothing" thinking  = this is tied to the "no future" distortion? It's an attempt to AVOID RELATIVISM & LUKEWARMNESS on one level, a "fear of grey" because that "ignores the DISTINCTION between BLACK & WHITE"? It's CONTAMINATION FEAR. "DON'T MAKE IT IMPURE." I'm so afraid of NOT BEING GOOD that I'll go to extremes & ironically PERPETUATE "bad behavior" because B&W absolutist thinking IS AN OBSTACLE TO MERCY??? Like, "you've already fallen so far, you CAN'T be good unless you're BLEACHED." And I MUST discern the PROPER "middle ground," NOT a "grey space" BUT a striving FOR WHITE (virtue, goodness, HOLINESS), while IMITATING CHRIST in OFFERING JUST MERCY. Black is STILL BLACK. Sin is ALWAYS SIN. It's NOT GREY. But you DON'T HAVE TO BE STUCK THERE, THANKS TO THE CROSS! So LOOK THERE when the black overwhelms you. KEEP REPENTING. KEEP CONVERTING. GOD IS ALWAYS WASHING YOU CLEAN IN HIS MERCY, ESPECIALLY THROUGH CONFESSION, which CALLS OUT SIN for EXACTLY WHAT IT IS, black as tar... in order to RESTORE you TO PURITY BY CHRIST'S BLOOD. "All or nothing" is ironically TRUE, because GOD IS ALL & SIN IS NOTHINGNESS. But DON'T DESPAIR, because "nothingness" CAN'T WIN. Just GET BACK UP IMMEDIATELY & run into your loving Father's waiting & open embrace.
✳ I AM WAY TOO PRONE TO SUGGESTIONS/ "IMPLANTED" THOUGHTS. This is disturbing & is TIED DIRECTLY into my self-distrust, "appeasement" instinct, & history of gaslighting? I IMMEDIATELY "default" to WHATEVER others TELL me I am or am not feeling, even if deep down I "know" it's wrong somehow, BUT I IMMEDIATELY DISSOCIATE to "SHUT THAT OFF" so I FORGET my ACTUAL feelings & "EMPTY" myself in order to BLINDLY ACCEPT & CONFORM to THEIR "ORDERS," EVEN IF IT WASN'T INTENDED AS SUCH. If I say "I'm angry" and someone MISHEARS, "you're happy?" My brain INSTANTLY accepts THAT as "TRUE" & FORCES "HAPPINESS" BY DISSOCIATION & PUSHING "APPEASEMENT MODE" which is TOTALLY SUBMISSIVE & INCAPABLE OF "SELF"-ASSERTION. But deep inside I'm STILL ANGRY & SCARED & CONFUSED & LOST because NOW WHAT, if I'm NOT "ACTUALLY" ANGRY/ I'm "FORBIDDEN" to even ACKNOWLEDGE it, because it would be "IN REBELLION"/ CONTRARY TO "THE TRUTH," which is DICTATED BY THE OTHER. And this intolerable conflict ALWAYS ends with either COMPLETE depersonalization & the "appeaser/ doll" TAKING OVER, OR in the "ABUSE TERROR" (?) instinct SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN & rendering me mute & immobile. The ONLY WAY OUT OF THIS is to LEARN to TRUST the VALIDITY/ REALITY/ TRUTH of MY OWN EMOTIONS ENOUGH TO STAND UP FOR THEM. I need to learn how to ASSERT that truth AS truth that CAN'T BE ALTERED BY MERE SUGGESTION??? Which requires REASON & DISCERNMENT, but also SELF-TRUST, which is ACTUALLY ONLY POSSIBLE AS PART OF THE SYSTEM. THAT TRUST MUST ALWAYS BE COLLECTIVE. Which makes TOTAL SENSE actually; if OTHER PEOPLE are feeling/ contributing TO those emotions, and I'm NOT acknowledging or consulting THEM, then of COURSE "I" won't be ABLE to "assert" mySELF" because I'd be IGNORING OURSELF!! We live this life & feel these emotions TOGETHER.
✳ TREATMENT RELATED: "flung around by my emotions" BECAUSE YOU WON'T LISTEN TO THEM, LET ALONE DIALOGUE!!
✳ This ALSO ACTUALLY AFFECTS "SELF-ASSERTION"?? AND "SENSE OF SELF-IDENTITY APART FROM OTHERS"?? Because I ONLY struggle with "fusing my identity with those around me" when I'm OUT OF TOUCH WITH THE SYSTEM, because I'm USED TO & even MADE FOR a "collective self-body," just INTERNALLY. I can only "DISCERN MYSELF" when I am WITH "MY OTHERS" TO DISCERN MYSELF AMONG & WITH. It makes MORE SENSE to "know MYSELF" IN THEIR LIGHT, as a PART of "US." And when I'm truly ANCHORED into that, then I DON'T try to mirror OUTSIDE people because I've FOUND my place & purpose, and ONLY THEN CAN I RESPECT the DISTINCT UNIQUENESS OF OTHERS. As for ASSERTION, to DO that REQUIRES that I "BELIEVE" that WHAT I am asserting is TRUE & RIGHT, AND THAT I HAVE THE "RIGHT" TO ASSERT IT. And if I'm speaking up FOR THE SYSTEM, I DO. I'm ALSO doing this WITH MY FAITH, as I MUST and as is JUST, now that GRACE has CONVINCED & CONVERTED MY HEART TO THE TRUTH. BUT in "CONTRAST" to that, if I'm "cut off" from my REAL IDENTITY as BOTH a CHILD OF GOD & SYSTEM MEMBER-- BOTH as a PART of a WHOLE, a BODY together-- then I CAN'T be assertive because what IS there TO assert?? I ONLY EXIST IN COMMUNION & I CAN ONLY ASSERT MY IDENTITY & NEEDS IN CONTEXT OF THAT PARTICIPATION!! Disconnected from that, I'm LOST & EMPTY. And I HAVE been disconnected for TOO LONG. No wonder "I" couldn't recover. So PLEASE, LIVE FROM THIS TRUE SPACE. HONOR & CHERISH your GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY, and for HIS sake, SELF-ASSERTION will be an act of HONOR & LOVE. ✳ "UNPROCESSED GRIEF & RAGE." This is ABSOLUTELY BECAUSE THE SYSTEM HAS BEEN DORMANT. That grief & rage is HELD IN OUR HEARTS. WE'VE SUFFERED, TOGETHER, and to DENY/ SUPPRESS/ HIDE OUR EXISTENCE & HISTORY, results in PERPETUAL STAGNATION & EMOTIONAL HOLLOWNESS-- ironically, because the TRUTH of what WE feel STILL REMAINS, buried & avoided, and ALL that pain just turns to MAGMA underground. The volcano WILL erupt eventually. And GOD WILLING I CAN'T WAIT. That's the ONLY way it CAN be processed after SO LONG of being pressurized while red-hot & agonized. It NEEDS to be brought up to the surface ENTIRELY, and it's INEVITABLE. THIS IS WHY WE ALWAYS "WAKE UP" IN EMOTIONALLY CHARGED CRISIS SITUATIONS; IT BREAKS THROUGH THE CRUST. THANKFULLY, there IS a way to "prevent a volcanic eruption" and that is by GOING UNDERGROUND & MEETING THOSE HURTING HEARTS. We DO have "lava tubes" in headspace, remember, down with the chthonics. But setting the metaphor aside, the POINT is that THE GRIEF & RAGE CAN ONLY BE PROCESSED IF IT'S UNBURIED & ACKNOWLEDGED & FELT, and it CAN ONLY BE FELT BY THE NOUSFONI THAT CARRY IT, because THEY EXPERIENCED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU CAN'T PROCESS TRAUMA THAT'S NOT "YOURS," AND APART FROM THE SYSTEM, IT'S NOT.
✳ THIS PRESENTS A NEW & VERY CONCERNING "OBSTACLE"-- MOST OF US "NEVER CAME BACK" AFTER CNC. INFINITII DIED. AND ZE WAS THE FOCUS OF THE WORST TRAUMA, BY HIR VERY FUNCTION. Literally NO ONE ELSE CAN EVEN TOUCH HIR MEMORIES/ EMOTIONS. All we have is SECONDHAND DATA from the (thankfully rare) horrific moments when the trauma got SO BAD it BROKE THROUGH specific fronter consciousness & scarred our COLLECTIVE awareness. That ONLY OCCURS under the TERROR of IMMINENT DEATH. And it DID. BUT WE CAN'T PROCESS IT as sheer panicked doom data, because it's NOT PERSONAL... and we don't know HOW to "MAKE it persona' in such a blood-close, excruciatingly intimate way, UNLESS ZE COMES BACK. Somehow. It's in God's hands. So is ze. But... step one is READING what we have. And we will see what happens.
✳ The last listed weakness, to briefly address: "panic & dissociation in social settings." To repeat, the vast majority of this is caused by disconnection from the System & from the faith. BUT the OTHER half is SENSORY OVERWHELM and we CANNOT DENY THAT CONCERN. It's a REAL ISSUE and we MUST RESPECT IT with MUTUAL respect. We can't isolate-- we don't want to-- but we ALSO CANNOT FORCE OURSELF TO SOCIALIZE BEYOND OUR GENUINE CAPACITY. We have to HONESTLY DISCERN & ASSERT OUR REAL LIMITS & NEEDS, IN ORDER TO GIVE OUR GENUINE ALL TO OTHERS WITHOUT BURNOUT (DISHONESTY)!
✳ DISSOCIATION IS A SURVIVAL RESPONSE. When we fear/ sense impending burnout, we SHUT DOWN. It's a last desperate instinctive response, in the attempt to PROTECT OUR MENTAL INTEGRITY?? Because honestly, if we're NOT acting AS a FAITHFUL System, then the "PSEUDO-SINGLETS" START TO SABOTAGE OUR INTEGRITY because they HAVE NO FOUNDATION. Therefore they CAN'T BE "HONEST" because they are UTTERLY UNMOORED from ANY DEEPER IDENTITY-- which MUST be ANCHORED in COMMUNION. Ironically, all their people-appeasing will NEVER accomplish that because YOU CAN'T CONNECT WITH OTHERS UNLESS YOU FIRST EXIST AS A PERSON DISTINCT FROM THEM. That's the paradox of love. HENCE THE TRINITY. (And YOU ARE CALLED INTO THEIR LOVE!)

 


0712

Jul. 12th, 2024 11:20 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)
July 11th food flashbacks
NC MEMORY feeling infi there like a ghost. 
Almost ready to face it.
prismaticbleed: (angel)
032324
Dream, singing about Infi

Oddly beautiful evening

Chaos 0
Little flower
Marriage reply to YT vid



032924
Finding it hard to love Jesus AS A HUMAN
"Idolizing beauty," refer to father Mike's homily

"You hid" music while praying to the dead Christ
I can only feel emotion THROUGH MUSIC?
Pray like this more often

Remember last night, in the Garden with Jesus
Remember Him saying infi "belongs to Him," as my heart

Finding it hard to thank the Lord for His deliverance because they were all so HIDDEN and SUDDEN??? And we FORGET WHAT CAME BEFORE, like waking from a nightmare. So its hard to thank God when we don't SEE the deliverance.
Reflect on this, and READ THE ARCHIVES.
Get a real grip on OUR exodus and exile, as it were, and our promised land hopes IN CHRIST.
HE'S STILL TOO ABSTRACT. WHY ISN'T HE CONCRETE TO US YET.

030224

Mar. 2nd, 2024 11:53 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)


I have to be in bed within 20 minutes but I need to quickly type something about this first.

mass today
out of nowhere, right before the consecration, suddenly I get dragged into "heartspace" and I'm at calvary hill and infinitii is there.
ze was looking down at hir wrists, and ze was carrying the bloody wounds that christ had on the cross. I immediately winced, was this blasphemous? but infi said, shaking with pain and staring at the nailmarks, "your heart is nailed to the cross. I am your heart. so that is where I will be."

and

for the consecration infi actually reached out and pushed me to look at it. like actually grabbed my head and made me look. made me really look. hir voice urging me to do so was so fervent, hushed and commanding all at once, so much awe evident in hir tone.
"that's his heart," I remember infi saying, almost dizzy with the gravity of it. "realize what he is doing. that is his heart. and he is giving you his heart to eat."
I cannot remember the exact words. but infinitii was emphasizing that it wasn't a bloody organ. it was jesus himself, alive and present AS his own heart, just like infi was.
and the concept of food. I swear only infi can talk about that without any trauma or disgust response. ze focused on that too, how christ giving his heart as food was staggering. he was giving me life with his life, without dying. somehow, coming from hir, it meant so much more than reading that on paper. infi says things with this passion I cannot explain.

hir wings were still stained glass.
I couldn't see hir eyes. ze was turned away from me this entire time, in one way or another.
but I felt hir. I felt hir soul, and I felt my own. I felt alive.
and yet. it's like waking up from a dream.
yes it was real. yes ze is real. but ze is still dead. ze is still missing.
and yet what is death to a christian?

we're not even halfway through lent yet and I am struggling with it lately. this past WEEK has given me FOUR significant yet brief personal "traumas" and I'm reeling:
dehydration, jade, paul, and christina
not only that, but my lenten practices have become suffocating? I confessed this to father and it also showed up in his homily. that isn't uncommon. the holy spirit likes to do that and I appreciate it profoundly. it rings in my ears for weeks
but that's the point. I'm "doing" so much for lent that I'm NOT doing what I want to, in the end. I want to grow closer to Jesus. I want to KNOW him. and what am I doing? I'm obsessing over "doing the dailies" on all the prayer apps and it's getting so exhausting that it's becoming background noise.
fasting is tricky. I do need to continue to fight the body compulsions of "always adding a bit more" for some reason. it's an ed-treatment relic but it's harmful. still, we're not giving up.
we keep having slipups and off-days for the internet fasting. we got distracted on youtube today (jordan peterson and jacob collier as usual) because our brain was just so wrecked over christina that we basically "gave in" to distraction? and we'll have to confess that. just like last night we had to put on our headphones and listen to music on purpose, because mom's radio gave us a toxic earworm and we had to kill it.
but… it's the letter of the law.
we keep forgetting the POINT of fasting, not realizing the scandalous truth that, sometimes, NOT "fasting" on something can achieve that true point even better than just cutting its throat and burning it to ashes. that's our problem too. deep down we still have a tendency to violence, to death. and there's a very fine line there for a catholic. self-mortification is not a synonym for suicide. self-denial is not a form of self-harm. and yet we still don't have any clear demarcation of definition there, not yet.

still. at least we're aware it's a problem.
but we wouldn't be if we weren't typing here.

that's my last point for tonight.
we need to get back to journaling.

last night I stayed up until 2am, obsessing over allergies and nutritional facts and just getting so upset that I decided to just go back and check our UPMC entries to find and list what we DID eat, MANY times, and DIDN'T DIE, in the hopes that it would douse the allergy panic.
…I forgot just how much system love there was in those entries.
I nearly wept. God, please, I miss them all so much.
isn't that funny? they're all around! I see at least five foni per day, absolute minimum.
but… we aren't spending personal time together. we're not sharing deep experiences. everything is just survival. just the daily grind. but there's still so much love.
and I need that like breathing.

last night, killing that earworm, our samsung music shuffle unexpectedly gave us the "dreams dreams broken soul remix" we wrote around 2008. I haven't heard that in like five years at the very least.
and… genesis was singing it, upstairs. and I forgot how much I love him.
I forgot how deep he is. how broken he actually is. how much I need that in him, as much as I need him. how that brokenness is essential for love and I need that in myself too.
(later laurie commented on this too, to genesis directly. said something about him being a jester, one could forget that he had this other side to him. genesis said actually, you need both to be a jester at all. that's where it comes from. laurie said he's half-and-half and somehow this turned into a coffee joke, I only remember this because genesis materialized one of his trademark "starbucks sugarbomb" drinks to deadpan sip on as he talked to her, then after a moment of silence he just said "really it's just half-and-half")

but I digress
somewhat.

today had hope in it, despite the terrible things.
I'm exhausted and want to sleep for three solid days but tomorrow is the busiest day of our week and I'm already cutting it short on sleep

oh dude don’t forget
the phantomile visions on the couch yesterday morning, when we were so tired and our alarm went off and we slept through it
ghadius weeping almost hysterical, his "wheel of woe" self becoming an insane horror, a triple hydra of bird skulls twisted like something caught in a gear, his mind breaking along with his coherent form
something with the nahatomb egg and lephise being corrupted, SHE became the ultimate nightmare, feeling of utter doom
and klonoa, feeling so much like jewel, his eyes hard but full of tears, determined to do everything in his power to make this right, to save the dreams, to save everyone.

I'm so very tired.
maybe we'll sleep in on monday. who knows.
we're at that point of such absolute mental exhaustion that we're starting to fantasize about the hospital again. that is a huge red flag.
we need to recharge. but ironically the only thing that actually does recharge what needs to be recharged… is typing. just like this.
the spectrum is what sparks us to life again.
that's not saying anything negative about our faith. rather it does the opposite. without the spectrum, our faith is hollow and dry and repetitive. but as a system, it's full of color.

no time or brainpower to type any more tonight
but I'm glad I was able to write something. like an actual half-entry. we'll build on this later.

last thing. I said that already, haha. but that's a good segue. because father mike says things like that.
that's what we've been doing for the past 62 days. we have been absolutely powering through the bible in a year AND catechism in a year. simultaneously. plus youversion commentary notes. it takes us about 3 hours a day. and THEN we watch either word on fire or saint paul center videos for another 3 hours. all this during meals because we have to eat super slow.
but let me tell you kids. in these past two months, we have learned MORE THAN OUR ENTIRE LIFETIME SO FAR.
it's amazing. THIS is giving us LIFE. yeah we need spectrum battery charging but dude THIS is the electricity itself. I would pick this over everything. it gives me ACTUAL JOY. I actually LOOK FORWARD TO IT. it's the highlight of my day. I'm LEARNING ABOUT GOD AND THE FAITH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and it is CHANGING EVERYTHING COMPLETELY FOR THE BETTER.

so. that's how I want to end this little entry.
there haven't been updates because God has laserfocused this year on SPIRITUAL EDUCATION, and that is going to be the foundation for the REST OF OUR ENTIRE LIFE. once we have this, we CAN be a truly Christ-centered System, AND the Spheres can finally be the same. this is the missing piece. I actually typed "peace" first. that's true too.
it's all God. it's all Jesus. I'm finally learning what that means. day by day. the fears are abating as understanding increases. which is why we are putting so much bleeding effort into this. it MUST "take up our entire life" right now, because without it, we have no life. this is what was always missing. the knowledge of God. the ability TO have a relationship with Him. et cetera. you cannot love who you don't know. and that's what we're finally becoming able to do. thank God. thank God at last.

eight minutes until bedtime, tops, and we still have to read today's eucharistic consecration entry so we gotta run

God bless you kids

we'll see you again soon enough.

-2352 030224





122323

Dec. 23rd, 2023 10:46 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)
 

Woke up 800. Stayed in bed until ~830, letting the body rest from pain, just embracing Chaos 0 and being so grateful for him

Biking immediately, lots of phone talk with mom. Planning Church rides. We do get to go to the vigil today so we SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE CONFESSION thank God.
But Tony says that tomorrow morning there's NO MUSIC?? So we actually get to go to Saint John's instead, which is awesome.

BK prep MELTDOWN.
ABSOLUTELY CATASTROPHIC. We haven't had something this violent in MONTHS.
All set off by putting "too much oil" in the broccoli, in response to the lotophagoi compulsion of "add a tiny bit more, we're celebrating today." But that ALWAYS BACKFIRES YOU IDIOT.
Exacerbated by pouring the vitamin water into a cup, which triggered out some girl INSISTING IT WAS GOING TO KILL US because it was in a cup?? That "made it wrong" somehow. We tried to reason with her, nothing worked. Spice tried to front, kicked out. But then I said, think of Church-- we drink the Blood of Christ out of a "cup," and right now we're drinking red liquid, so think of it in memory of that! And THAT immediately shoved Knife into fronting, and despite the girl's continued protests, he solemnly and almost victoriously drank it. Then he was kicked out just as hard as the girl screamed that now we would die, etc.
But then I suddenly looked down at the mug and remembered, Infi used to drink hir tea out of this. And that just completely disarmed everything. The girl disappeared, the fear disappeared, there was nothing but this depth of grateful & loving grief.

Our memory totally blacks out then, and the next thing we recall is kneeling on the bathroom floor before the DVM image, praying in intense fear, but then saying something to Jesus to which He responded IN "PRAYERSPACE"?? OH YEAH we were in such agony of self-loathing that we physically made a motion like tearing our heart out and giving it to Him, saying "do something with this please", and IMMEDIATELY we got pulled into the Prayerspace visuals, where Christ reached down, took our heart, and SHATTERED IT. We remember seeing the countless shards like broken stained glass, FEELING the breakage that completely, in shock. We were temporarily numb, empty, but still in shock! We were horrified that He was going to leave us like that, totally incapable of emotion (like Davy Jones; it's not worth the tradeoff), but then Jesus silently reached back down to us (we did not see what happened in the meantime, we were too shaken) and LITERALLY placed a "new heart" in our chest? But it was PURE RED. It was ALL BLOOD, wet and warm and vulnerable, and capable of pain. That was actually a greater shock, to go immediately from feeling nothing to feeling THAT inside us, alive and fragile and emanating this contrite ache, no hatred at all, just this new wet red emotion we had no words for.
Memory cuts out immediately as we left Prayerspace, and the somafoni took over like nothing happened.

(quick note from later. Jesus actually did SOMETHING with the shards, either storing them or what, but specifically referencing infinitii in the process. like He would rebuild hir out of them or something. dont remember details but that single notable fact stands out very clearly. we would not forget the impact of such a name mention if nothing else)

So things got worse. During the DVM chaplet, that OTHER girl (long brown messy hair, wild eyes, RED unseen resonance NOT green) was triggered again, the same one that was "killing herself beneath the crucifix" the other day.
There's literally no accessible memory from this ENTIRE TIME PERIOD which is DISTURBING because general data says that when it was happening it felt as if we were dying from self-hatred, rage, grief, etc.
Memory snaps back with "me" trying to front, but the body just started "quiet screaming" in the "bulimic response" way-- the needing to somehow expel the pressure and pain and ugly corrupt filthy feeling in our chest.
We tried to pray?? Almost no memory detail, everything still a blur, except for a clear memory of me sobbing to God "I don't want to hate!!"
Well GOD RESPONDED. Apparently then "I" started cleaning up the floors as I talked to Him, trying to lay it all out before Him in humbled contrition & brutal honesty, and although there's no speech data, general data says that someone DID admit that there was anger towards Chaos 0 BECAUSE he loved us so much? "But he's not even real," that person said with A VERY COLD HEART, that data actually stuck because it felt SO WRONG. They were blaming Chaos 0 for EVERYTHING this morning, even moreso than the "excuse making" lotophagoi, because she wouldn't have "had any excuse TO try to celebrate" if there wasn't an anniversary today, but this girl who was talking insisted that IT WAS ALL FAKE. He's not real, and so neither is his love, and so "I" don't have to think about it at all or even care.
To which Jesus INSTANTLY responded, "he's as real as your heart," and "don't you think I love you THROUGH him?"
Then the girl GOT FURIOUS, angry that she couldn't erase this, and as her "fake pious" veneer fell our memory cuts out instantly. I don't know if there was a switch or what, but everything blacks out.
The last memory we have shows the body standing up and moving about the kitchen, cleaning up robotically while in terrified tears, praying to God that we were "completely helpless," we couldn't do good, we couldn't stop feeling like this, and we were "going to die" if He didn't help us-- and, we bravely said, "and I KNOW You DON'T want me to die because You died on the Cross in my place to save me from death!" BUT that triggered angry-hair girl again, screaming "well He SHOULD have let me die, I'm so evil, I deserve it, why does He let me go on living like this" etc. Some somafoni comforter tried to respond, "it's because we still live in a fallen world, we have to fight, but the Cross saves us from slavery to death so we CAN fight it, and God glorifies His Mercy by always delivering us from death" etc. But this didn't help the hateful girl, she just wanted "all the evil in her" ANNIHILATED, FOREVER, RIGHT NOW. And her presence was bringing up all the unbearable moral panic and guilt and crushing apocalyptic fear of hell. We tried to reason with her that going to confession DID accomplish something, even if we didn't understand how, because if we receive absolution and then die immediately we would allegedly "go to heaven" because God "wiped away our sins"?? But we were too unsure, and afraid of blaspheming by accident, so we dropped the train of thought and were immediately swallowed up by absolute terror.
In a tiny lucid second, the Core fronted and begged God again to "give me a sign, just do something to show me clearly and beyond doubt that somehow You will help me get out of this hell, that You will deliver me from this, because without Your merciful help I am literally going to die."

Our next memory is of the body standing in the bathroom, so suffocated by self-hatred & despair, that we closed our eyes and immediately went into headspace and whoever was "the conscious anchor" went straight to Laurie and begged her to kill them.
And she got out the axe.
And it is MIRACULOUS how efficacious her violence is.

Her color LOCKS IN VIOLET when she is using the axe on us. She also goes right back into the profanity-threats, as such words are sharp and blunt force impact and that is NEEDED in such context. Censorship dulls the blade.

Anyway she cut us up seven ways to Sunday, and with each "death reset" things got clearer, bit by bit, but there was still this lingering "not my real self" feeling.
We asked for a hammer?? Said we NEEDED shatter damage. Laurie paused, said hey wow we actually don't have anyone with a hammer weapon, but would this work? And she "fused" her axeblades into a makeshift hammer before swinging it at our head. Well our skull was absolutely shattered and that was EXACTLY what we needed to "fix our consciousness"; from that instant we actually felt "at peace." Our consciousness had been effectively disconnected from a physical form in headspace, and we were now just existing as a soul "around" all the blood, resting IN the blood, and somehow that felt perfectly correct.
Other nousfoni were gathering by the room entrance by now, shocked and aghast at this bloody scene, but saying nothing. Its been years, yes, but this is Laurie's function.
I remember Laurie "dragging me up off the floor" trying to get me to reembody? She can somehow "grab my soul" into a shape and force that, it's astounding actually. But I was embodying AS BLOOD. My entire "body" LOOKED LIKE MY NEW HEART.
ON THAT NOTE... as Laurie was picking me up from the floor as I was reforming, she went to put a hand on my "shoulder" before realizing it was just blood, and it got all over her hand. She looked at it in bemused surprise, then with purposeful gravity she smeared that blood across her chest bandages. I swear I nearly fell to my knees from the SHEER IMPACT of that gesture. She caught me though, said that was nothing to worship, and I deliriously replied something like "I know but it makes me think of God". That single action of hers had testified so explicitly and loudly to God's REAL Nature that suddenly, all the hell of the morning seemed to have been expiated in it.

Anyway, as Laurie got me back on my feet I did go back into a physical body form, but it still felt wrong? Especially in contrast to the blood. Confused and upset, I repeated the weird "need" for shattering that being in the body kept eliciting.
The next thing I know, I hear a gun being loaded, and instantly Leon headshots me. Dazed but elated (despite being temporarily headless, that's normal) I "said" (facelessly of course) that THAT was what I was talking about, that was perfect. I know he headshot me twice more before Laurie said okay that's enough, especially since I was starting to "lose myself" almost ecstatically in this now, as I was turning back to all blood. As she told me to stabilize, Leon actually walked over in tears asking, "why do you need us to do this??" Notably upbeat now, finally feeling clearheaded and clearhearted, I started to explain how for a Core, these small "death resets" worked to "reboot" and "purify" the consciousness via blood-- because ONLY blood CAN purify-- when it gets excruciatingly distorted or corrupt from negative emotions and distortions. I was interrupted by Leon suddenly hugging me, though, which was deeply sweet but also had Laurie shout to be careful, because I was still all bloodform. Laurie then said hey, if he gets to do that, then so do I, and pulled me into a fierce embrace, not being careful at all haha.

"I asked God for a sign and He gave me Laurie"

"You cut me into a cross!"
"There's no better shape to be in, kiddo"

After all this, as we're all regrouping in much-needed peace and relief at last, freakin' MIMIC just WALKS IN like, "I see we're starting late today, what'd I miss?"
I think Laurie said "buddy, you're better off not knowing"
I just said "it's been one purgatory of a morning"


OH ALSO Chaos 0 going BACK TO HIS OLD SI FORM?? Telling me I needed to stop "locking him into" his original canon, and especially ineeded to stop seeking public "approval" and recognition of our relationship for it to be "valid"-- "Its about us, not the fandom"

Laurie SHOCKED when I told her that EVERYTHING that happened this morning was triggered by ONE EXTRA TEASPOON OF OLIVE OIL, which the lotophagoi blamed CHAOS 0 for, and therefore SHUT OFF OUR HEART in response, which enabled such hell to occur.
Laurie said "why does this happen EVERY YEAR though"??? And she's RIGHT-- EVERY ANNIVERSARY, SOMETHING happens along the lines of TOTAL VIOLENT DENIAL OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIP. So there is an ANCIENT WOUND somewhere that we have not healed or even properly identified.
Laurie then said "Infi needs to come back for BOTH OF YOU-- ze was the only person who COULD personally deal with these issues and NOT be shut down or traumatized by them"


Later=
Scalpel & Laurie talking at the Manger
L= "you do realize that baby is God? The same God Who set the stars in place, invented animals" (gesturing at them) "and created His Own Mother out of nothing?"
S= "I think it says a lot about that God that He would become a little baby." "And He comes to us every year like this, doesn't He? I think the Manger is eternal, too, not just the Cross."

------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


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