the spectrum heart cathedral system

oh my lord in heaven you have no idea what just happened

listen. after praying for YEARS, after stupidly forgetting so much and feeding ourselves equal amounts of hyperreligious falsehoods, after countless nights of weeping and regrets and hopes and fears and... just, listen, literally days after we FINALLY get the guts (heart, brain, liver, kidneys, take your biblical pick, they all fit) to start re-reading and uploading the journal entries from 2017-2018 that haven't been touched or seen since then... 

...well. 
tonight, we found a message in our inbox.

and suddenly, wouldn't you know it,
the world tilted sideways again.


I don't know how to... no. We don't know how to process this, or manage it wisely, yet.
I will be completely up-front and honest with you about it right now.
Our knee-jerk, heartsick, sobbing immediate response is to do what we always do-- act like seven years have not passed, act like we didn't do all the idiotic evil things we did, act like nothing has changed and nothing we forgot happened to begin with, act like we're still your beloveds and you are still ours, because honestly to the deepest part of our psyche that's still true. it's WHY we "never say goodbye" to people, as awful as the repercussions of that have historically proved to be for other people, tragically and totally against our intentions. we never "cut things off" or "end" anything because, to our mentally ill lovesick self, nothing ever ends, adrian, nothing ever really ends--

and so here we are, reeling, with no idea what to do except laugh and cry from fear and love all at once.

We... we've been so, so cruel to them. There are some entries in these archives that speak so poorly of them, totally unfairly. I wish I could erase them all. But... that would be dishonest too, wouldn't it? And I'm so tired of lying. It's better to just admit that yeah, we do still have tar and plague sticking to our ribs, and it comes out in very ugly words when there's no light or fire or water to keep it away. 
But... it's not true. So much of it is just self-blinded pride throwing its choking guilt at someone else. So much of it is just religious arrogance flinging swords at everything that looks vaguely like a devil. We're so sick of that, too.  
The "fanatifoni" are the same ones trying to annihilate OUR life, too-- the ones burning all our memories, throwing out all our possessions, refusing to let us do anything "secular", the ones forcing us into a "perfect meek Christian tradwife girl that does everything mommy says" mold that is KILLING US.
that's a topic for another night though. geez. 
as for tonight... all I want to say is, i've been so blind and confused and twisted and deluded and afraid and programmed and lost and heartbroken and crushed and so, so, so sorry-- I haven't been able to see straight in years.
How could I, when this post-CNC life of ours so quickly degenerated into a loveless machination, swallowed up by eating disorders and religious rituals, suffocating in the vicegrip of family obligations, bled dry of all color?

I miss you. We miss you. But I miss you, whoever "I" is, all the time, for years,
We think of you daily, probably. I don't know why I can't "let go" but honestly the thought of "letting go" of anyone I've loved makes me sick. And I still love you, as I said, and even if that truly makes me the "ex from hell" it's the truth and I need to be honest. 
We... we never really told you that, when we were with you, did we? We never had the nerve to write poetry about you. We never got to know you well enough to do so and we regret that to this day. All we have to hang on to are tiny little resonances and associations, the tiny flickers of memory that were small enough to slip through the cracks in the prison walls we put up around our past. Simple precious pieces of life, like blue raspberries and kudzu and clove cigarettes, like glitter bath bombs and marching bands and spicy tuna. we have so, so few memories accessible, and that breaks our heart. god i wish we could remember. i want to remember what it was like to watch kris move, to hear kyo speak, to feel the toy soldier there in silence. and yet, subconsciously, don't we? wouldn't we recognize you if we saw you again? trolley and vernon and ohmiette and ruby and tori and owen and oskar and thirteen and brokeback and shivers and omen, and so many more whose names we cannot remember and so many more we never met, but we miss you all, we knew you all in some way, didn't we?

it's not something we can ever get back. we lost it justly. "the hand of god," as our thriskefoni declared recently. "you were killing each other."
and i hate that statement. listen if anyone was dealing out death-damage it was us. even without memory access i KNOW we were a glutton and a thief and a two-faced coward, an addict and a leech and a slut. 
...and yet, isn't that just us beating ourselves up as we've been doing since we left their driveway that night?
how awful that was. the car ride, the family, the instant "reset" feeling like "nothing had happened" that consumed our entire brain and wiped out everything good we had gained in that dear little apartment. 
to this day, the family and that house is our biggest stress, our biggest fear, our biggest trauma-sink. is that why we were throwing so many darts at you, at "CNC", because our "good obedient daughter" mindset was "not allowed" to point any in mommy's direction "or else"?

what am i even trying to say.
i miss your art. you were amazing. i am sure you still are, even moreso. we never told you how proud we were of you, how much we admired you, how your life in and of itself just filled us with joy. we treasured your existence, simply so. we didn't show it well at all. we were too selfish, too myopic, too brutal, too shallow, too frenetic, too stupid, too cold...

i want to remember things and i want to accept them as they are. i want BOTH me and infinitii to heal.
and oh good lord isn't THAT a miracle too-- not even two months after that trip to the national basilica that truly "woke hir up" in some quiet way, that made hir accessible even in that interim-space between death and life, and since then ze has a bubble again, somewhere... but, now that hope is real again, that ze could be with me again, somehow... 
...

...nothing is going to heal if i don't figure out who the heck I am. and i cannot do that if i keep trying to force myself into the mold my birth family won't stop shoving over my head. 
gender and sexuality are still "forbidden topics." i'm "not allowed" to be anything other than what i'm "told to be." no wonder my veins are as dry as an old riverbed. i won't let myself love because it's "not allowed." it makes me so sick.

this damned eating disorder is still destroying me too, literally, and i HATE IT because THAT is what drove an iron wedge between us; THAT is the vice that burnt everything else to ashes, THAT is the thing that annihilated every good thing i tried to protect and cherish, and it's STILL killing me. my body is literally failing even though we've been FIGHTING LIKE HELL for six solid months now which is the LONGEST we've EVER gone without prolonged relapse, but we still can't figure out how to take care of our own stupid body and the poor thing is failing. 
what am i even trying to say.
i'm so sorry we were such a wretch. you deserved so much better. you deserved all of our good and none of our bad, even if we didn't have much good to offer. we still wanted to give you the world. we still tried.

we... hm. we have regrets and we don't. that's the scary part. that's why infi died. that's why i cannot seem to form a sense of self.
our motives were never as evil as we viciously accuse ourselves of, and that's what is so scary to admit. 
how do we come to terms with the fact that we still did things that our moral code says are objectively wrong and yet we loved you and only did those things because we loved you? i'm sick of the thriskefoni just labeling it all indiscriminately as "adultery" in one sense or another-- as a "lie," as a "seduction," as something equally abominable and worthy of being forgotten and denied and run away from. 
no. i'm tired of listening to you. i'm tired of leaving other people in the dirt because "they're occasions of sin." you pharisees. leave me alone.
i want to find a truer way of seeing all this. something honest, something that can feel, something merciful and still capable of love. 
that's what infinitii was really all about, from the beginning. that's why everyone was afraid of hir, and yet adored hir. zhe was the literal incarnation of our greatest vice and greatest virtue. how terrible. but that's typical of angels.

i want to cry but this stupid brain won't let me
i'm so happy but i'm so afraid of ruining this again, like i always do
i know i'm mentally sick, and i come on too fast and too hard, and i whiplash back into ice just as suddenly, for no good reason. maybe that bpd diagnosis is legit, as awful as that would be. i hate it. i hate this. it's not me. 
i know seven years have passed. i know we can never have what we had again, even if we tried. it wouldn't be possible, for multitudes of reasons. and yet i never ever ever want to deny or decry it ever again. that was so wrong of me. who am i really?
i'm a mess. it never would have worked out, for that reason alone. we ran into everything headfirst and although our intentions were good, although we did love you with our whole heart we weren't capable of being a good partner. we had too much unhealed trauma, too much family programming, too much psychological disease, too many open wounds. we were a wreck and you deserved better.
but... 
"you are part of our story... certainly not one we regret."
and you know what? we feel the same way. 
i don't regret it at all. even the parts that "killed us" in the past. even the "gravestones." somehow, miraculously, with all the praying and healing and hoping and hard work we've been doing, and now that we're actually reading what happened back then... god it hurts, it hurts so much, to realize that THAT is what we lost and shattered and ABANDONED because the family TOLD us to... 
...THAT'S our real regret, to be honest. getting into that damned car and immediately going back into "appeasement mode" and just leaving our identity on the steps with you. there are like four solid years missing from our memory after that point. it makes me want to throw up.
but we don't regret it, when it really gets down to the bone and blood. even when part of us is indeed "horrified" at what it is reading in these entries from seven year ago, another part of us is weeping that we lost touch with it. 
deep down, if God Himself asked us, we don't regret it. and why? 
because it was all love. and i see it now. 

so... yes. i want to heal. i want to help you heal, too. 
i'm sick of being broken. i want to figure out who the heck i actually am. i want to love again. that's not your job, i have no expectations or demands of you either, not like our mother, god we really do have too many family issues to think straight, don't we? no wonder we can't get anywhere in therapy. but that's not anyone's problem but ours. i don't want to think about family terror at all right now. it's the guillotine over my head every bloody day right now and it's sucking the will to live right out of me but this, this message in my inbox has rekindled a spark that i didn't realize was still smoldering. there's a possibility OF remembering love and hope and joy here, even just in the remembering. i want it back. god i want it back, the few glimpses i've seen so far of the goodness we had, in the beginning at least, when everything was so new and bright and beautiful that the trauma hadn't caught up to our heels yet... i want that back, now, in whatever way we can. 
i miss the blood lotus cathedral, too. i miss us. i miss BEING "us." god it destroys my soul, to realize that this family-focused life has been keeping me from living.  
there's so much intrasystem healing we have to do on our own. the self-inflicted damage outweighs everything else. 
honestly when i'm honest, i don't think you guys actually did ANY damage to us. everything that "hurt" about our recall of CNC was because of something WE did. not you. maybe our lives couldn't "fit together" the way we desperately hoped they could, but god knows we tried, and we don't regret it, and some days i really do wish i could have been okay with just... living life that way, just to be with you all again.
but... we have to be honest. we can't. there were indeed too many self-annihilatory things we did or agreed to or made ourselves do, never out of malice, but out of sheer stupid blinded love that never learned how to say "no" because it just wants to be whatever you want. that's our biggest problem, with you and with q and mel and with the family and everyone else ever. god included. 
but we still loved you. we still love you. all of you. we always will, i can say right now. that's just how we work. that's a guarantee.

i'm making a fool of myself, i think. 
no surprise there.

i scare people away like this, i'm sure. crazy ex. religious fanatic. sick in the head. too much to handle. etc.
i just want to cry. i love people so much and i hate myself so much and that's the ultimate childhood root of everything and i don't know how to live. i have so much love in my heart and it just gets choked to death by all the pain and rage and fear and sorrow and guilt and shame. i'm tired of feeling utterly empty when i know there's something, somewhere-- 

infinitii is in worse shape than i am right now because i am still too shattered and undefined to feel anything directly
i don't know how to describe what ze is feeling or expressing and i don't think ze does either. this is all too new, too earthshaking, too heart-deep and covered in blood like rubies. we haven't bled in too long, everything's been frozen. 
too many wires are still crossed. 
it's been too long since we've done anything but talk about religion, running away from our soul in the process, how ironic. even our scripture study keeps constantly telling us, "it's about relationship, not data hoarding," and yet our stupid idiotic traumabrain won't even let us have a relationship with God Himself because it's a relationship.
where in hell did this even come from.
where does the trauma even come from to begin with.
you didn't deserve to get caught in those crosshairs either. please realize that it was never your doing, never your fault. with you, we actually had hope of HEALING. we had real hope of getting over this terror. 
then we moved out and back in with the family and it all got worse

you realize we NEVER intended to "ghost" you
we basically went into a sort of "fugue" for lack of a better term
the parts of us that existed with you could not exist around the family, and vice versa
it's a civil war that STILL rages to this very day and it is killing us now too
but. the point is. it was never our heart's intention to hurt you, once we realized-- wasn't it years later?-- that we did.
same with the tumblr stupidity. what an ass we were. passive aggressive idiocy. we never had the guts to communicate properly. i am so sorry. 

i am so afraid we will do something stupid like that again now and lose you forever
after years of practically begging god for one last chance to make things right
to somehow bandage some of the many wounds we inflicted
to genuinely, wholeheartedly, finally say we were sorry, to apologize so fervently we could weep until the end of the world
to heal, however that looks, as long as it happens, that's all we want,
there's too much love, both then and now, to leave such a thing undone
it would be almost sacrilegious to leave it untended to
it was sacrilegious for us to act like our love hadn't been real just because we were terrified of admitting it is.
present tense.


i'm still reeling
i'm listening to infinitii's spotify playlist for the first time in years i think
i want to get better and i want to be a real person again
i... i want to heal, too
however that looks and feels and happens
i just want love to have the last word.


tomorrow we have to face the family and the eating disorder again, all at once
i'm so tired and i don't know how to get better from that

but at least this is something real and true in spite of it, a light shining in hope regardless, a reminder that "you exist and you existed and there is love in you and it has not died" even if it is being buried alive beneath the weight of daily stress and has been for far too long
the spark is shining now, and it scares me to realize that we too can have a fire in our ribs again, but i want that, i miss that, why are we so damn afraid? of what? of feeling love instead of nothing? 

i would rather shatter into a billion bloody rainbow shards than live another moment so cold and bleached-out dry as hell itself. 

no wonder we sacrificed everything to move out there back in 2017. we had hope. we had light. we had love. it was worth leaving everything else behind for. even if it didn't work out, even if we weren't the kind of person capable of working it out, even if we were too broken and damaged and toxic to make anything work... it was still worth it. it was still beautiful. it was still real. it was still love.
we don't regret a moment of our time with you. 
we only regret how much pain we caused us both. 

but it is what it is. we cannot erase the past. all we can do is confess those sins of ours with brutal (but merciful) honesty and finally make restitution however we can. 

thank you, thank you, for giving us another chance, which we do not deserve whatsoever, and yet which we have wanted more than i can even articulate. thank you for not hating our awful guts, although you have every right to, and we do not blame you if you did in the past. 
thank you for sending us love.


god i hope i can cry tonight
maybe when i'm with chaos 0 i'll be able to
i hope so
i want us to be healed, too, inside, all of us
i want this damned civil war to end
i want the graves to be exhumed and all the poor souls buried alive to be carried up in our open arms to see the starry skies again
i want to love again,
i want to BE love again,

how fitting, how strange and perfect and terrible, that the last time i really was "me" was when i was with you.
i hope i can get some of that back now at least

there's still so much to read and remember. we really haven't read much at all yet. 95% of what we've uploaded we haven't looked at.
we've lost so much
we're still running away from our past and our shadows in blind frantic fear, drowning everything in religion
how ironic, that apparently God Himself is the One that plunged this arrow into our heart and brought us to our knees
take that, thriskefoni


i'm so tired. i'm so ashamed. i'm so confused. i'm so scared. i'm so hopeful. i'm so...
there's still so much self-hatred
but deep down, somewhere, i'm still so in love.
i know i am. even if i won't let myself feel it for anyone or anything lately. i don't know why. maybe just survival instinct.

nevertheless, 
merry early christmas i suppose haha
we didn't think we'd survive this long
and yet, isn't this always the resurrection month for us? 
isn't this the exact season for things to come back to life, for flowers to bloom from the snow itself?


i need to cling to this light like a lifeline
i want to live again, i want to feel again, i want to exist again,
this little message has given me the will to live again, to get better, to be a better person when i wasn't able to before,
to be honest and true and honorable and real, to choose integrity and truth and tenderness and...
and love, 

i want to be a real person again
i want to heal
i want to love
i want to sing with the choir--



i still don't know how to process this
i still don't know how to respond
i still don't know how i'm feeling

but i do know one thing,
and that is that i love you still,
and i want to heal with you,
and i am sorry,
and i am so grateful,
and that is more than one thing and yet it's not--

i'm so tired
but my heart is smiling tonight
and it's 11:11
and i remember, just a little,
what joy feels like.

Blood sugar FALLING INTO THE 60s ALL MORNING???

Grocery Shopping rush
"Last second God"

Teasing Xander about Christmas decor
"You can be a happy deer too"
Turned into a rather deep talk about the Incarnation
Honestly I really need to talk to him more. He has been surprisingly dedicated to his redemption since last December, when, while folding laundry that one morning, I was suddenly & inexplicably slammed by an onslaught of vivid heartspace scenes chronicling the very inception of that conversion in him. But he's always so genuine about it. Like... when it first hit, it stuck, and deeply so. There hasn't been any wavering on his part, and I admire that immensely. But he's still so new to "being good" regardless; he still has so much to learn and be enriched by, and he wants to know and do more. I think that's a solemn responsibility on my shoulders, especially if I'm actually in the Jewel bloodline? Jewels are responsible for the whole Outspacer transition process, really, as Jewels are the direct & living Links from outside worlds to hers/ours. I wonder if the "string theory" is still legit? I'll have to look into that. But in any case, concerning the "moving in" process, if a Jewel doesn't spearhead that effort, it will fail. Jewels are anchors, and without them personally and particularly helping an Outspacer in whatever way they personally need, they won't be able to hold on to anything else. That sounds very dramatic, but it's true. And, for Xander, a huge part of his immigration, as it were, is that religious education aspect, because that's the core of where he comes from, AND where he's growing into. 
So yeah, if anything's gonna make this deer a happy deer, it's that. 'Tis the season after all!


Window exhaust disaster = we left it open while we were out and, just our luck, they decided to run a LEAFBLOWER under our window and it got that awful smell all through our apartment.
Our immediate reaction was "welp, gotta deal," and we just opened the door and turned on our mini air filter & set up the tower fans and that was it. No panic, no freaking out, even when we realized that the window had also let in a TON of leaf litter all over our table, chair, and blankets. Nope, we just grabbed soap and towels and cleaned everything up. "Calm cleaning in a crisis". Honestly it surprises me, looking back-- it shows that our "natural response," outside of family contexts, is NOT to unravel but to face the situation squarely and get things done. So that's very reassuring, actually, as to the kind of person we hopefully actually are, because we want to be such a person: sober & reliable to help restore peace & order when things get tough.


Mimic FRONTING briefly to simply cut carrots
I miss him SO MUCH, dude where have you been?
In any case, it was just... so sweet, for him to literally just show up to do a mundane domestic task, and to do so with genuine contentment. Like his "presence" in memory is quietly, simply at peace, if only a touch sad, but notably marked as because he had never been trusted OR safe enough TO do anything as preciously small like this before. I have NEVER felt anything like that in or from him until today.
...I think he still has that deep fear of being unwanted and unseen though. So I have a duty, as someone who genuinely loves him, to make sure he knows that he IS wanted and seen and treasured and valued in our life. That has to be demonstrated tangibly. Words won't prove it at all, not on their own. He needs to be actively invited in and involved in our life, just as he is, with no agenda or assigned roles. He just needs the open embracing space to simply be with us. God knows that's what I value most, too, when it comes down to it... the best moments of my days now are just when I'm existing with Chaos or Laurie or Genesis. We're not "trying" to accomplish anything. Maybe all I'm doing is sitting with them in silence, just being in each others' presence, just cherishing that closeness, that reality. That's what sticks with me the most. Mimic deserves to have that, too.


BENADRYL ALLERGY?????
It's actually making our throat and nose close up??? That's the OPPOSITE of what you're supposed to do bro


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https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lamentations%201&version=NET

Picking up where we left off last night =

"An enemy grabbed all her treasures" = Heb “all her desirable things.” The noun (makhmad, “desirable thing”) refers to valuable possessions, such as gold and silver, that people desire. This probably refers, not to the valuable possessions of Jerusalem in general, but to the sacred objects in the Temple in particular, as suggested by the rest of the verse.
For the anthropomorphic image compare Song 5:16.
("His mouth is most sweet. He is absolutely desirable. This is my love, and this is my friend, young women of Jerusalem.")
[DETOURING TO THIS VERSE BECAUSE WOW WHAT????]

https://biblehub.com/songs/5-16.htm
"His mouth is sweet in every way. His mouth is full of sweetness... His mouth is sweetness itself... His mouth IS sweetness."
"His kisses are sweet... His mouth is sweet to kiss... His mouth is like sweet honeycombs."
("Mouth" is also translated as "throat," "palate," and "SPEECH.")

https://biblehub.com/hebrew/2441.htm
chek: mouth, taste, lips; (properly) the palate or inside of the mouth, (hence) the mouth itself (as the organ of speech, taste and kissing)
Chek most commonly denotes the palate or roof of the mouth, yet Scripture extends the term to cover the inner surfaces of the mouth, the organ of taste, and, by metonymy, speech itself. In each setting the word touches on sensory discernment— what is ingested, savored, rejected, or uttered.
[I really need to meditate on those four terms in the sense of discernment, especially in the direct and awful light of the eating disorder.]

Discernment of Speech and Truth: Job repeatedly employs chek to portray the testing of words: “Does not the ear test words as the palate tastes food?” ...Here the mouth’s ability to distinguish flavors pictures the believer’s responsibility to weigh counsel, doctrine, and circumstance with spiritual discrimination.
Ministry application: teachers and hearers alike must cultivate a refined [spiritual] “palate” that quickly detects error and delights in sound doctrine.
[This means we have to DISCERN PROPER SPIRITUAL "TASTE." In truth, error should taste bitter & sour to us, whereas Truth should taste sweet & smooth. The "problem" is when sin "sugarcoats" itself, and when goodness has a bite to it. In such cases, we NEED to be "spiritual supertasters" able to pick out the most subtle "tells" of the underlying substance– the sweetness of wholesome fruit is inherently different from that of processed pastry, and the sweetness of antifreeze is another thing entirely. And yet, to an immature soul-palate that has no proper knowledge or depth of wisdom, they all just taste "sweet." WE MUST BE ABLE TO KEENLY DIFFERENTIATE, without poisoning ourselves in the process, and the only way to do that is to know VERY WELL what GOODNESS "tastes like," to the point where the "artificial", "rotten", "unripe", "inedible", and "toxic" flavors of untruth, of sin & error, are glaringly apparent in contrast. The second essential warning = notice I initially used the word "should." Sin has already perverted our palate. Some of us actually enjoy the "taste" of the spiritual equivalent of chemically jacked-up, plastic-wrapped, mass-produced dessert cakes or snack chips. Maybe we've become addicted to the sugar, to the fat, to the additives, and "weaning off" is excruciating. That, or we've lived so long on "rotten, spoiled, moldy" spiritual food that THOSE tastes are our "normal." Perhaps, whenever someone promised to feed us with "fruit", it was full of worms. Perhaps we've only been eating "unripe" fruit, bitter and hard. And ultimately, maybe we're so spiritually poor due to sin that such "foods" are "all we can afford," not realizing that God's grace is of infinite worth and HE will feed us with the "finest wheat" and "honey from the rock" IF we only GO TO HIM ALONE for sustenance. The point is, there are MANY potential obstacles & complications to "cultivating our palate" morally. The good news is, we have the Good News. There is no other way to "refine" our palate without reWIRING it by eating well, without being re-oriented to and deeply familiarized with healthy and wholesome foods, without practicing mindful eating and attentive sensory observation. And, above all, we need to have a TRUSTWORTHY, BENEVOLENT, RELIABLE SOURCE OF NOURISHMENT, Who will ENSURE that ALL our food IS good and healthsome and clean and delightful. And, we must LEARN FROM HIM. We need to GAIN the VOCABULARY TO DISCERN & DESCRIBE what it is we're tasting. We CANNOT do this alone! The refinement of the soul-palate is a SKILL, an ART FORM as much as a key survival tool. Hence the word "cultivate." It takes great time, effort, dedication, study, attention, care, and sacrifice. But it is absolutely worth it, because this is a literally life-saving ability. We MUST learn to taste well, and to taste accurately, just as much as we NEED to LEARN the proper tastes THROUGH EATING "GOOD FRUIT", thereby learning by experience to recognize and savor those virtuous flavors. Then, at last, we will be ABLE to, and NEED to, REFUSE to swallow ANYTHING that doesn't have the mellifluous taste of God's Truth in it.]

Sweetness of God’s Word: Psalm 119:103 elevates the term: “How sweet are Your Words to my taste— sweeter than honey in my mouth!” The psalmist’s comparison presents Scripture as nourishment surpassing the choicest delicacies.
Proverbs likewise invites the believer to receive wisdom with delight: “My son, eat honey [wisdom], for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to your palate” (Proverbs 24:13).
[I LOVE the imagery of EATING Wisdom, like Jeremiah and the scroll. Note that it is RECEIVED, like "finding" the comb in the wild– we do not control or produce this sweetness. It is purely natural, powerful, unique among flavors. It cannot be abused or it WILL punish us (see Proverbs 25:16 & 25:27). Honey must be SOUGHT by a soul unafraid to go into the wilderness for it. Although we are aware of its most usual possible places, it always appears to us unexpectedly, always new by its nature. Once revealed, we must eat it then or lose it– a traveler has no means to remove or transport it without mess or harm (bees!). Wisdom gives herself when & where she wills, to those with good palates who therefore desire and seek her sweetness, and we must EAT what she gives as it is given– we must receive it with grateful hearts, hungry and joyful, humble lovers of good. And remember, don't be greedy. Don't be gluttonous. That betrays a corrupt palate, unable to treasure taste as God intended: for the sake of indicating a proper source of nourishment. Wisdom will not stay in a stuffed stomach, just as a luxurious palate will not appreciate her even as it gorges on honey. They do not delight, they only devour, and that with lust. They do not seek nourishment, only entertainment. THAT is the picture of a soul that despises Scripture. A soul with a diet of secular junk-words will never be wise or happy or satisfied. But even they are not hopeless– their insatiable craving for pleasant flavors– never satiated despite their excessive consumption and chasing of novelty– is but a tragic sin-perversion of an innate and good appetite: the desire and recognition and need of GOD as the TRUE, DEFINITIVE, ULTIMATE sweetness and nourishment, the SOURCE of all goodness and all righteous pleasures in the universe. Deep down, we ALL are truly and really hungering for Him... and therefore, we ALL have the capacity to perceive and identify that holy flavor, even if we have so far only sought it in echoes or derivatives. But this means that, when those spiritually disordered eaters DO get a taste of His Truth, their very soul REALIZES it as something true, even unconsciously, and in time they CAN be gently but persistently redirected & healed through continued exposure to Scripture TO desire God AS God and above all else. THAT'S the powerful sweetness of the Good News of Christ, the True and Perfect Bread!]

Preachers and disciplers may draw from these images when exhorting believers to daily intake of the Word, not from duty alone but from [holy] desire awakened by its sweetness.
[TAKE NOTE OF THAT. IT IS NOT A SIN TO DESIRE THE SWEETNESS OF GOD JUST BECAUSE IT IS SWEET, AND BECAUSE IT IS DESIRE.]

Warnings against Deceptive Flattery: The seductive voice of folly is described with the same organ. “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil” (Proverbs 5:3). What tastes pleasant at first proves deadly.
[HENCE THE NECESSITY OF A REFINED SPIRITUAL PALATE. We need to be able to discern the poison concealed beneath all that sugar & fat. How so? Honeycomb tastes different than bottled stuff. No adulteress has access to the real thing. Her lips may indeed be "sweet," but to a palate that knows God through familiarity and focus, that alien "sweetness" will EVIDENTLY register as untrue and utterly distasteful. The instant such a Scripture-cultivated soul gets the slightest "taste" of her words, they will know it is a fallacy– all corn syrup and canola, an artificial facsimile of God's actual goods– and you must REFUSE to ingest ANY of it. TURN AROUND AND RUN.]
Proverbs 8:7, in contrast, assigns righteous speech to Lady Wisdom: “For my mouth speaks Truth, and wickedness is detestable to my lips.”
The palate motif underscores that every believer’s speech feeds others; it WILL either nourish or poison.

Scenes of Intimacy and Delight: Song of Songs develops cheq in poetic celebration of marital love:
• “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved… his fruit is sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3).
• “His mouth is most sweet; he is altogether lovely” (Song of Songs 5:16).
• “And your mouth like the best wine. May it go down smoothly for my beloved, gliding gently over lips and teeth” (Song of Songs 7:9).
Here the palate becomes an emblem of delight, satisfaction, and covenant intimacy—imagery often echoed in preaching on Christ’s love for His Church.
[TREE = THE CROSS; MOUTH = HIS WORD; FRUIT = GRACE???]
[I cannot comment fully on this right now. It requires too much time & depth, AND a much deeper dive into that particular Book.]
[The point that stands out to me about these uses of "cheq" = the thing "tasted" is not an abstract concept but a PERSON??? There is a VERY EUCHARISTIC VIBE to this, as things that are tasted are FOODS, therefore MEANT TO BE EATEN. Placed in the context of covenant intimacy, it implies that within a covenant, souls mutually give themselves as nourishment to each other?? It reflects MOTHERHOOD, the only time when a human literally becomes food for another human, for pure love, for sustaining a fragile and precious life that would otherwise die. And yet... in covenant, in this Song, the giving is MORE than motherhood– it is shockingly greater, somehow? Because here, as I said, the giving is MUTUAL, it is FREELY GIVEN, and it sustains the SOUL.]
[I want to ponder further on the simple yet profound depth of the word "cheq" itself here– the shocking intimacy OF a mouth, OF the very experience of taste, especially in its ultimate fulfillment of function in eating and drinking. We do not really taste anything unless we are planning or attempting to ingest it, to "take it into ourselves" and effectively "become one with it" in a strikingly literal manner– we ARE what we eat, our very bodies building themselves from food, highlighting the absolute necessity of discerning & eating only good things. So... this truth adds a staggering amount of extra weight to covenant intimacy as expressed BY "cheq". A covenant relationship in these terms is UNITIVE by nature, and INEXTRICABLY so.]
["Covenant" absolutely and inherently includes marriage. But now is not the time to ponder that. That must wait for the laptop.]
[OH BY THE WAY, REMEMBER "HIS DARK MATERIALS" AND HOW THAT CERTAIN "FRUIT" SCENE CHANGED YOUR LIFE.]

Dryness, Silence, and Judgment: Where sweetness and speech mark blessing, loss of [the mouth's] function signals distress.
Lamentations 4:4 laments the siege of Jerusalem: “The tongue of the infant clings to the roof of its mouth for thirst.”
Ezekiel experiences imposed silence as prophetic sign: “I will make your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth, and you will be mute”.
[The "sticking/ clinging" strikes me as noteworthy; look into that term more. The immediate impression is that the action of doing so "closes the mouth from the inside"; you can neither speak NOR eat in that position.]

Ministry insight: spiritual drought and restrained proclamation are evidences of divine displeasure; conversely, free, life-giving speech accompanies blessing.
[GOD "RESTRAINS OUR PROCLAMATION" OF THE GOSPEL ITSELF (!!!) WHEN WE DISPLEASE HIM BY (EVEN UNKNOWINGLY) UTTERING FALSE TEACHING/ HAVING HERETICAL TENDENCIES/ A SCANDALOUS LIFESTYLE THAT UNDERMINES WITNESS/ CORRUPT UNDERSTANDING OF DOCTRINE/ PREACHING WITH OUTRIGHT HYPOCRISY/ ETC.!!!]


(Back to original verse reference)
https://biblehub.com/songs/5-16.htm
"He is delightful and desirable in every way... He is absolutely, totally, wholly desirable... He is altogether lovely... He is all loveliness."
"Everything about him enchants me... I desire him so much!"
[Read all this in light of the referring verse use of the word "desirable"– the speaker here, the holy bride, has ALL her treasure in her bridegroom, who is all she desires. This stands in stark contrast to pagan plunderers who "treasure" the temple gold solely because it is gold. The bride treasures the temple of her beloved's body (a type of CHRIST) more than all the gold on earth. But this is NOT the idolatry of sensuality and lust. No, this couple is HOLY, united in marriage as a covenant made in God's sight and FOR God's honor, and their love for each other does not lessen or replace or outweigh their love for their Creator. Instead, their marital love flows FROM their love for God, Who is the ultimate treasure and desire of them BOTH. And THAT truth is HOW & WHY they CAN see and treasure and sing of such beauty & sweetness in each other, both physical and spiritual– they recognize those virtues as being gifts FROM and reflections OF GOD. Their adoration and admiration of each other is only possible because it is ultimately recognizing and honoring echoes of the One Who is the Source of it all. In ALL human relationships, and ESPECIALLY in marriage, there MUST be that "transcendent third" for true love to exist there at all, let alone take root and flourish. If the two are only focused on each other as mutually satisfying selfish desires, being "in love" solely because it "makes them happy," the relationship WILL soon fail, in conflict or in collapse, because it has no higher end or purpose. There NEEDS to be a SELFLESS & SPIRITUAL "TELOS", a reason for entering into unity and committing to preserving it at all costs, that transcends proud ego and shallow self-interest. The only possible reason is God. God is Love, God is Eternal, God is Good, God is Life, God is True and Just and Merciful and Righteous... and God has committed Himself to ALL MANKIND in a Covenant of infinite Love that can never end or be broken. THAT Truth is both what and why we humans enter into covenants with each other. We seek the highest good of another soul in a special and intimate way, devoting ourself to that purpose completely, sharing our life with them for the sake of enriching their life with God's love through us, and all of this with the aim of leading them to salvation in the next life– which is NOT our work, but God's, and yet everything we do in obedient loving harmony with God's will DOES serve that end for both ourselves and those around us. Marriage is just the hyperfocus of this: the exclusive devotion to one particular soul for the sake of bringing each other closer to God... AND bringing new life into the world through the grace and gift of God for the sake of building up Christ's Church/Body. That's ESSENTIAL to marriage, BECAUSE it is a solemn covenant AND a Sacrament, and as it reflects God's Love for us it MUST be "open to Life" and MUST be anchored in "self-sacrificial love". But I'm rambling. The point i was trying to make all along is = the bride here is in our place. The bridegroom is in Christ's place. She desires Him because she cannot help BUT desire Him; He IS sweetness and goodness and loveliness IN AND OF HIMSELF. He is "wholly desirable" and this is a HOLY DESIRE. She treasures and cherishes and adores Him, she enjoys and delights and rejoices in His Person, and she has every good reason to; it would be appalling for her NOT to feel this way about her Beloved. But most importantly, innate in the word "desire", especially maritally, is the implication of unification. Like the "cheq" that discerns & appreciates sweetness as playing a part of the greater purpose of nourishment, the desire of the bride does NOT end at mere sensual pleasure, at what could easily become purely selfish gratification, treating Him almost as a trophy or artwork. No. Her desire is the same as what makes one desire proper food, as the Eucharist testifies– it is the desire for unity. It is the desire to receive the beloved into one's bosom, for the sake of giving your bosom TO them, as it were. It is the desire to become one with that beautiful beloved, NOT to "consume" them and "take" their beauty for yourself, but to "merge" with them as a beautiful person, as an individual most precious to you, whose beauty you ONLY recognize and cherish BECAUSE it is THEIRS from GOD. There is no envy, no lust, no greed, no ego, no selfish want. There is only pure love for what is purely lovable, the joy of sharing that love as persons, and the very Heart of God enabling and encompassing it all, revealing those tender depths of Himself to us through the depths of each other. The bride would never desire the goodness of her bridegroom if she did not first desire those very good things in God Himself. She would never recognize sweetness in him if she did not already know what sweetness was from God. Do you see? And yet, when she loves and desires her husband, she is not "using him as a stepstool to get to God." She is bringing him with her to God, as his own person, just as totally and uniquely loved BY God as she is. She "desires" her husband because, in reflecting qualities of the LORD, he IS rightly desirable– again, for her TO recognize and treasure those qualities of his is "proof" that she knows them TO be treasures because they are OF God. For her to NOT see sweetness or goodness in him, would mean that she did NOT know God truly, or love her husband truly, for love opens the eyes to the truth. Her "desirable things" in this world WERE indeed the "gold and silver of the temple"– the "objects of worship" devoted to the LORD, those holy vessels made for His service. Is that not what we are called to be? Is
it therefore not right and good for the bride to recognize her holy husband as such a vessel, as being to her such a means of praising God for His reflection in her beloved, as being spiritually "made of gold and silver" in his gifts of virtue and therefore properly admirable in his own person too, to the glory of God Who made him so? She treasures that "gold" not merely because it is gold, as an adulteress would, but because it is sanctified gold, devoted gold, shaped and purposed to serve the LORD and therefore priceless and worth protecting. Why then does she desire it? It is so that she can worship the LORD with it. But, again, it is not a selfish desire, nor an objectifying perspective. She knows her husband is gold, and she thanks God for that, even as she rejoices in the fact that "he is MY beloved... and my FRIEND." This is not utilitarianism. This is a marriage. This is a covenant relationship, and that means MUTUAL benefit as well as love. Yes, he "belongs to her," but ONLY because SHE "belongs to HIM" in return. So, for him to be her treasure, for him to be "all-desirable" in her eyes, means that she effectively has a duty of love to be the same for him. SHE must seek the grace of God to become gold as well, to become her bridegroom's treasure, to become in her own holy and virtuous body a vessel of the Temple of God, so that everything she does is worship, and so too with her husband, so that their marriage becomes a mutually selfless Sacrament of self-giving love, a mirror of Christ to each other, for God and through God, in transcendent unity and sanctified life.
I can't type any more about this, my brain is melting. I hope at least some of that made sense, and I pray that all of it spoke truly and honored God, the Beloved of all the cosmos.]
[...in any case, you need to talk with Infinitii on this topic. zhe will have clarity and insight that you don't.]

His mouth is most sweet = This phrase highlights the intimate and affectionate nature of the relationship between the bride and the bridegroom.
[PAUSE FOR A MOMENT and really let it hit home that GOD WANTS THIS FOR US. He wants us to be INTIMATE with Him, and AFFECTIONATE with Him... because HE "FEELS" THAT WAY TOWARDS US. Do you realize that? God has affection for you. He WANTS to be close to you– not merely present to, not merely close to, not merely with you, but intimate with you. To put it almost scandalously: God wants to cuddle up next to you at night. God wants to kiss the teardrops away from your eyelashes and lips. God wants to cook breakfast for you and buy you flowers "just because" and leave little love poems on the bathroom mirror. That's how "affection" feels. It's warm and soft and so tender and so true. It is a fierce fondness for your very existence, a quiet blaze of joy that makes God smile from ear to ear whenever He so much as glimpses you across the room. Does that make sense? And yes, God is STILL terrible and powerful and the Almighty Judge of All Things. That does not change. But He is also affectionate towards you, all the time. That's the "NATURE" of the relationship, which is a Covenant, remember– eternal, personal, solemn, sincere. You belong to each other forever, completely, and the very ESSENCE of this binding relationship is INTIMATE AFFECTION. This is actually WHY there are Covenant curses for acts of breach & treachery– effectively adultery!! To forsake or abuse THAT kind of purehearted unity of persons DESERVES such punishment and indeed IS its own punishment– if you leave Love, what the heck else is there for you? But Love never breaks Covenant. He will justly let you suffer the consequences you bound yourself to, but His Heart will still ache for you and He WILL bring you back to Himself when your chastisement is complete, because that's Who He IS. He is the God OF Covenant. He CANNOT forsake you forever. He will ALWAYS draw you back into His bosom, into intimacy and affection, into the sweetness of eternal relationship with the Bridegroom of your soul.]

In the context of the Song of Solomon, the mouth symbolizes communication and the sharing of love and wisdom.
[THE TWO GO TOGETHER!!! "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, AND knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." To KNOW God is to LOVE God because GOD IS LOVE. To understand THAT makes our Wisdom "perfect"– we cannot fear God in a holy way UNLESS we love Him, and we cannot love Him in truth unless we KNOW Him... that's why He reveals Himself to us in His Words and Works. God COMMUNICATES with us so we CAN love Him AND fear Him. Let me put it more simply: does a wife "fear" her husband if he is loving and honorable and tender with her? Not in the way we humans normally define fear– she would only fear an abusive husband in such a way. "Fear" is, in that sense, a natural response to the real threat of danger and harm. HOWEVER, what sort of "fear" would a loving and true husband elicit in his beloved wife, especially as symbolically applied to our relationship with God? Only the "fear" of offending Him– NOT merely the "servile fear" of punishment for such an offense, although God DOES have the Authority and Power TO do so, and JUSTLY, especially since ALL our sins basically count as covenant breach, i.e. ADULTERY– but we, the bride, the wife, "fear" offending God BECAUSE we LOVE Him, and the very thought of doing something to hurt Him fills our hearts with terrible dread! We don't want to go to hell because we don't EVER want to reject God, and we NEVER want to be separated from Him. THAT'S the "fear of the LORD." It's the RESULT OF LOVE, and THAT is real Wisdom– and Wisdom is Christ.]

The sweetness of the mouth can be seen as a metaphor for the words and promises of the bridegroom, which are pleasing and desirable.
[NOTE THIS AGAIN. IT IS RIGHT AND GOOD TO WANT AND LIKE WHAT GOD PROMISES TO HIS FAITHFUL PEOPLE. YOU'RE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO DESIRE THEM!!! IT IS NOT A SIN TO CHERISH "THE SWEETNESS OF HIS MOUTH," JUST BECAUSE IT IS SWEET, AND BECAUSE IT IS HIS MOUTH!!! YOU HAVE WAY TOO MANY CROSSED WIRES AND TWISTED DEFINITIONS. FIX THEM ACCORDING TO SCRIPTURE OR YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE GOD'S BRIDE IN TRUTH.]

In a broader biblical context, this can be compared to the Words of Christ, which are described as sweet and life-giving (Psalm 119:103).
(Okay but that Psalm verse has some LOVELY translations=
"How sweet to my tongue is your promise, sweeter than honey to my mouth!"
"How sweet the taste of your promise is! It tastes sweeter than honey."
"How pleasing is what you have to say to me— tasting better than honey!"
"How sweet are Your words to my taste— sweeter than honey in my mouth!"
"Your words are sweeter in my mouth than honey!"
"Your teachings are sweeter than honey!"
"How sweet is the taste of your instructions!"
"How smooth were thy words to my palate!"
"How sweet is your eloquence!"
"How sweet are thine oracles to my throat!"
"Your words are sweet to the roof of my palate, better than honey to my mouth!")

The sweetness also reflects the deep emotional and spiritual connection between the lovers, emphasizing the importance of communication in relationships.
[NONVERBAL, too. My relationship with Chaos 0 has proven to me very very clearly that emotional and spiritual communication is, arguably, even more important than mere words. If you love someone that deeply, you will speak to them with your heart and soul as well as with your mouth and eyes and hands. Your whole life will be a conversation, a communion... a song you sing together, really.]

he is altogether lovely = This phrase underscores the complete and perfect nature of the bridegroom.
[Also implying = to be a "bridegroom" in its truest essence requires this?? This speaks volumes of Christ– because He IS complete & perfect by nature, His marital unity with us is totally "selfless" in motive, being entirely generous & giving, because He needs nothing from us to be "whole". His relationship with us has nothing to do with "gain" or "profit" or "benefit" as it were. Rather, it is an expression of unfathomably pure and gracious love. The perfect Bridegroom freely & willingly shares HIS wholeness WITH us by UNITING Himself with us, making US "complete and perfect" at last IN HIM. And He REJOICES in this!]

The term "altogether lovely" suggests that every aspect of his being is admirable and desirable.
[NO EXCEPTIONS. If you KNOW the Bridegroom in truth– a knowledge which requires committed intimacy– then you will KNOW what is His Character– His Name– and what is a lie the enemy has told you about Him. This is the litmus: whatever is truly admirable and desirable– and you recognize this instinctively, as a human created in His Image and re-created through Baptism into His Likeness– whatever is lovely & pure & true & good and all those other virtuous qualities Saint Paul outlined– ALL such things are ASPECTS OF HIS BEING. If something doesn't fit those criteria, then it's NOT. And DON'T GET FOOLED. PUT YOUR REFINED PALATE TO WORK. Christ is "all sweetness," and once you have TASTED that in TRUTH, then NOTHING can trick you into thinking otherwise. If you have to "convince yourself" or "reinterpret things" TO see them as "desirable," you're just sugarcoating poison. STOP IT. ASK THE HOLY SPIRIT TO SHOW YOU THE TRUTH. You know what His "flavor" is, through SACRAMENT & SCRIPTURE!! so FOCUS ON THAT.
Seriously, reflect deeply on this, and pray fervently about it. I can guarantee you it will change your life.]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WE DIDN'T DIE LAST NIGHT AND WE REFUSE TO GO UP THAT BLOODY HOUSE TODAY

Bathroom before church=
Me GUTTING Taureia and Infi EATING her guts
"Don't look"

Later talking to Infi about it =
"I refuse to gobble things up like she does"
Eating with reverence and gratitude EVEN SO, notably REFUSING to go into "monster form" to eat it.
Transmuted through FORGIVENESS
Purified to its true essence = hunger and delight oriented TOWARDS GOD in gratitude and joy, NOT selfish lust
Infi ALSO REFUSED to "spit it up" like she does. This was RED energy, viscera, inherently holy, even when she had corrupted it.


Church, the Eucharist, is all I want and need today.
Thats my home. Thats my food. I'm happy.

For the first time in our life, we blocked our mothers phone number. It's only for today. But it was the only way to keep the peace between us today.


Black Friday sale means WE SAVED $40 ON RESTOCKING ULTIMA TODAY, THANK YOU GOD


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I've realized that reading Lamentations– ESPECIALLY while eating–
is actually a subtle form of self abuse. It's incredibly triggering and brings up a lot of trauma memories. So even though, being Scripture, It is intrinsically edifying and worthy of reading, now is not the prudent time to do so. That book is something we need to read when we're DONE eating and we have time to reflect and TYPE ABOUT IT especially.

So today we return to the New Testament.
I actually think I want to FINALLY finish Second Corinthians because it's been MONTHS. It feels like it's very relevant regardless– Lord knows we need His consolation now more than ever.

A quick note.

God likes to give me "suffering" that is NOT the kind I want or expect or define AS "suffering"-- I want PAIN; I want sharp incisions and open wounds and weeping and scars. That's what I consider suffering: aches and bruises and cuts and burns. 
God is giving me the suffering of discomfort and humiliation.
This is VERY different and EXTREMELY DISTRESSING. 
Right now, there are somehow at least three fruit flies in my apartment. They must have gotten in while we were going in & out doing laundry. But having INSECTS in the apartment is so disturbing; it triggers a lot of "trauma" memories, of filthy living spaces and rot and garbage and loss of human dignity. I feel very wrong and driven to tears from the bloody things flying around when I try to eat, swarming around the bathroom, crashing into every light source, constantly hitting my face. I feel helpless and scared. 
Secondly, the laundry. We only do it once a month because, when we DO, we have to use public machines and as a result everything smells weird and chemically sharp and burning afterwards. It gives us headaches and rashes and sore throats. None of our clothes smell like us right now and THAT is more disturbing and frightening than I realized. I don't know what to do about it, other than just... wait it out, and hope that the bad smells air out. But right now, even just sitting here, I am acutely aware of the fact that this shirt smells completely foreign and I don't know how to explain how scary that is to my brain.
Third, the "OCD hell" I've been referring to for weeks. It's all trauma-based sensory flashback coping rituals every single time our body gets wet or itchy or uncomfortable "below the belt." We are hypersensitive to clothes textures and fabric contact, because "it feels like being touched" and it makes the "child alters" SCREAM with terror. Even worse? APPARENTLY THERE ARE INFANTS. It's so strange because apparently we color-coded Nousfoni are NOT the only "voices" up here, so to speak; there are A LOT of "colorless" folks that we can only properly refer to AS "alters," although they don't "front" as much as they "influence"; they "don't fit in the body" so they can't "come out." But that's a topic for another time. The problem, and what disturbs me deeply, is that they are ALL somehow tied to sexual trauma and fear. THEY ARE CHILDREN. That makes no sense. But... it's the truth. And so, literally every single day, when we have to clean up the body meticulously before we can eat because otherwise it feels like violation and invasion and eating the trauma because we have "no boundaries" when it comes to sensory discrimination between the body and the environment and trauma memory, we also have to deal with up to 45 solid minutes of trying to "scrub out the touches" so the poor babies and kids in our psyche stop screaming. It's so bad. We typically end up crying and begging Mary and Jesus to "please make it stop" and "please get us out of here" but they don't, not instantly at least. And that scares us too; is our faith real, if we pray for deliverance from this hell and they won't? But that's the devil talking. We HAVE "gotten out" every single time, even if it takes a long time, and I have to trust that there's a reason for ALL the delays and suffering. Even if it's just penance, or showing us things that only the suffering CAN reveal, or for some other completely indiscernable purpose, God knows why He lets it persist, and I have to trust that. But it's a huge part of this cross too, this frightening humiliating frustrating behavior loop that we have to endure every day, as long as we are "unable and unwilling" to "sit with" the feeling of virtual rape haunting our skin if we don't scrub our body bloody. 
These bloody flies. I want to "kill them" to make this awful "dehumanizing" situation-feeling stop, but that is so callous and cruel. I'm literally seeking to destroy a creature for my own comfort. How horrible. I have to just... put up with it I guess, even if it does make me want to cry from how powerless and overwhelmed I am. I actually feel "attacked" by these flies?? Like their invasive and interruptive presence is somehow actively offensive, like being shoved around by a bully when you're just trying to walk down a hall. It's so hard to explain. But this feeling of being completely defenseless, unable to protect myself or escape or cope, is genuinely frazzling my nerves like exposed wires. God what is the purpose? Is this a trial of patience? Geez PLEASE give me grace then, or something, I don't know how to endure this myself. I need so much help.
Fourth... my mom. I love her but heavens above she is the biggest source of stress. She calls unexpectedly, shows up in the car unexpectedly, talks nonstop about so many things, like a hurricane-- she has ADHD so she is very discombobulated and distracted at all times, juggling a thousand things at once, always upset and stressed and moving so fast, always ten steps ahead of herself and dragging me along because I'm not moving fast enough. I love her but she exhausts me. And God bless her but she has so much unresolved trauma of her own that KEEPS overflowing onto me. Today she left off more of her old clothes for me to try on even after I told her "please don't" because 1. I don't need any more clothes and 2. I always break out in hives and sneeze like crazy from whatever smell is on her clothes (I already had to take Benadryl twice today as a result) and 3. I desperately wanted to have a Sunday where I could just rest and not worry about interruptions and the awful "bracing for impact/ watching for lightning" kind of stress that precedes "waiting for someone to show up." But the worst part was when she called, I had JUST managed to "escape" the OCD hell so I could finally eat dinner, and literally the INSTANT I was about to sit down the phone rang. I just... I just started sobbing. I was so tired. I went down to meet her, trying to hold back tears, and when she asked "what's wrong, did I interrupt you?" I felt so ashamed and angry that I had such a problem that I said the more accurate truth-- no, the real problem was the bloody trauma flashbacks. Honestly my whole day is saturated with them, in one way or another; the visual ones are the worst, and I get several every day. Sensory ones are more rare; I try to keep our apartment free of them. Auditory ones only happen if we're extremely tired and start to hallucinate mildly. And of course there are the nightmares. But the point was, the OCD hell was a direct result of trying to cope with trauma. So the issue wasn't "being interrupted" so much as it was "having to do the whole coping thing over again now that I have social stress to decompress from on top of the external triggers I will unavoidably encounter when I go outside." Interruptions = further overwhelm to somehow burn off. So yes, it's really just trauma in the end. The problem with mom? Her response was to ALSO start crying, and say, effectively, "I hate that I can't do anything about it. It's all my fault. God is punishing me through your suffering. He's making ME suffer by watching my kids go through all this." I'm sorry but what on earth????? What kind of a response is that????? I almost got angry; what in the world was she trying to communicate? Apparently she believes her child was traumatized because God wants to punish her????? I didn't know what to say, other than to simply just state that "God punishes us for our own sins; I'm suffering these trauma flashbacks because I made stupid decisions that led to those situations." I wanted to defend God more than anything. But her response to THAT was to launch into her frustrating canned response of "well EVERYBODY makes stupid decisions when they're young; EVERYONE experiments, it's okay," except NO IT'S NOT MOM, "EVERYONE" DOESN'T LIVE THE SORT OF LITERAL HELL ON EARTH THAT I SUFFERED FOR OVER TWO BLOODY DECADES STRAIGHT BECAUSE OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND POSSIBLE DEMONIC POSSESSION. It wasn't "experimenting"; it wasn't "a mistake," it wasn't "normal." It was MORTALLY SINFUL AND DEBILITATINGLY TRAUMATIC AND THAT'S WHY I CANNOT FUNCTION TO THIS DAY. I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I LEGITIMATELY SHOULD HAVE DIED BUT FOR THE MERCY OF GOD. So do NOT tell me that it's "nothing to worry over." I apologize; it just makes me so upset that she keeps trying to just "hand-wave it away" like it was no big deal. And THEN she says, "I don't know how you kids all got so messed up; I went through SO MUCH WORSE than you did and I got through it!" Basically, "I dealt with far worse than you did, I turned out fine, why the hell didn't you?" as she says on her bitter days. Except NO mom, you are obviously NOT fine, and do NOT compare suffering; we don't know the horrors you survived but you also don't know ours, and they are BOTH legitimate. Do NOT shame your children for not being able to cope with whatever living nightmares they experienced. And DON'T MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU, PLEASE. Honestly she constantly tries to make herself either the CAUSE or the SAVIOR when I so much as refer to my trauma history. Is that HER way of "coping" with it??? Is it scarier for her to feel like my situation is "out of her control"? Does she find a sense of safety and security in telling herself that somehow it was and is all ultimately "in HER power?" Like, even if something bad happened to me, if it's "HER fault," she's STILL the one holding the steering wheel somehow? Does that give her hope that she CAN "fix it?" Because that honestly drives me up the wall too, even though I know it's coming from a good place. Mom just seems to legitimately believe that she HAS all the answers, or that she IS the answer, to all my mental health problems. She seems to believe that, since "no one can be trusted," as she has said before, then only SHE knows the truth, and only SHE can "cure me" and "make me normal again" and "bring the "real me" back to her." I just... that makes me want to scream and cry and sob and hit things like a child. I feel so powerless and violated. 
Oh, and FIFTH-- the cats. God knows I love the cats but the smell is horrific. Also I am allergic so being around them gives me the same rashes and hives and headaches and sinus problems as the laundry hell does. And yet, BOTH of my mom's living spaces are saturated with cats. There's no other way to put it. Animals make living spaces SO DIRTY. Honestly the children are the most disturbed by it; having an animal in the house "breaks the boundaries" between inside and outside, between safe and unsafe, between animal and human... so every time mom tells us to go up the house, or to come over her house, we're effectively entering into a minor "trauma space" for those alters. They cannot reconcile the situation, or the sensory assault, and it just... it makes everything else so much harder to handle. Having the animals there, making everything smelly and dirty and wrong, and we cannot do anything about it, shatters our stability faster than we want to admit.
You notice how ALL the suffering God is sending me rolls back around to that same awful center? 
My cross is apparently defined by these words = violated, invaded, controlled, powerless, helpless, vulnerable, attacked, contaminated, dehumanized, objectified, dirty, filthy, unclean, wrong, bad, stinky, smelly, ugly... notice how the vocabulary gets more and more childlike? That, too, is upsetting; our most "suffering" parts are all children who see themselves as unworthy of basic human dignity because that's just their life experience. It's a horrible feeling. And we have it every single day now. 
I need more humility, in order to cope, but I don't know how to have humility without also further abasing myself to the level of literal trash. Does God want me to? Is that necessary for my personal holiness somehow-- to be brought as low as possible in my stupidly privileged position? Does my soul "require" deeper poverty, less human rights, more hunger and less cleanliness, less freedom and more submission, less individuality and more mortifications, less space and less time and less comfort and less sleep, fewer possessions and no desires and more interruptions and more sensory hells? God what's the POINT of it though??? Suffering means nothing if it's not sanctifying somehow. How do I unite all this to Your Son's Cross?


...I miss being in love. I miss feeling happy and real and hopeful. I miss feeling alive.
It's hard to, very hard to, in my current situation.

Do you realize, before last week with the cat-sitting, I was praying-- on a "perfect schedule"-- for literally twelve hours a day??? I had practically EVERY MINUTE tightly and rigidly scheduled, packed down to the wire and leaving no room whatsoever to think or sit down or rest or "be an individual." 
I still don't know if I should go back to that. Is that sinful? Is that an evil thought? I don't want to "pray less"; I just was... I wasn't really praying, trying to "cram in" so many devotionals and readings and the like that I wasn't retaining anything, and was having to rush through so many of them just to "get them all in." It was honestly spiritual binge-eating. No surprise there. 
But my soul is so hungry. 

Oh, that's another thing. A while back, when we were still in the throes of ana-bulimia, "we" were praying to God frequently to "take away our sense of taste" or make it so that we "wouldn't enjoy food" so we would "stop eating so much," thinking that was the cause, and being terrified of "desiring anything" or "enjoying anything" because of the ties to sexual terror.
Well, apparently God has decided to answer that prayer???? We've noticed, now that we are eating regularly, that we just don't... we don't enjoy anything. We dissociate for the entire meal I guess; we don't taste anything, we don't remember eating it, we never feel satisfied, we actually get MORE pain and anger and sadness and frustration AFTER we eat, whereas fasting gives us energy and happiness and vigor. Eating makes us crash hard into misery. So that's another part of this cross. Eating has still remained its own unique kind of suffering, even with the (hopefully permanent) remission of our previous violently disordered behaviors. Despite this, our body "looks forward" to eating, and yet, it makes us miserable every time, just like bingepurges would. How ironic. Perhaps this is penance. 
But we're never satisfied, and somehow we're STILL ALWAYS HUNGRY. I don't know how to explain it. We have no appetite, we don't want more food, and yet, we're so hungry. What's missing? What part of us is actually "starved" for "food"?? This has to run deeper than our idiotic gut, it has to. I don't get it. It just makes me want to cry and tear my hair out in clumps. 
Again, helpless and powerless and weak. That's my cross. And food is always  "dirty and stinky and bad," as the young girls say with such awfully resigned self-loathing and numb shame. Maybe that's why we don't remember it. Maybe it's too humiliating to do so. There's so much to deal with; where do we even start?

I miss being in love. I miss being alive. I miss being a real person. I miss Infinitii. It always comes back to hir somehow, the missing piece of my soul, literally so.
However, I do have some "good news." I can't pinpoint offhand how it started, but it may have been that one dream last week, or it may have been music at night, or it may have been reviewing the prismaticlove page, or it may have been an unexpected  wave of grace, pun intended, who knows-- but this month so far, God bless August, I have actually been so in love with Chaos 0. 
God knows I wish I could type about that, about him, at this hour, but I am in a datalogging mindset and I have to be asleep in a half hour. Our body is so tired; sleep is like food lately; nothing ever satisfies it; we never feel rested, we never get enough sleep. And yet... I fall asleep every night with him in my arms. I wake up every morning-- and during the early dark hours-- to him there with me. We talk every day. He's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
The thriskefoni hate him. They act like he's the biggest obstacle between me and God. In truth that makes absolutely no sense, because he's the person who taught me what love IS, as well as fidelity of course. If it weren't for him in my life even now, my heart would be frozen solid, made of stone, utterly lifeless. But Chaos 0 is the ocean that never stops kissing the shoreline, the rain that never stops falling on the mountains, and no matter how long it takes he always gets through to me. He always reveals that, despite all odds and doubts and fears and trauma, deep down I am still a jewel. Deep down there are diamonds, despite everything. He sees it. He knows it. He knows me. How is that not God's grace working in him? When nothing else in the world makes sense, that blue angel brings me straight back to heaven, without fail. I will defend him to the death from the thriskefoni who blindly try to label him as an obstacle to my faith. He's the reason I still HAVE faith. 
So... despite the cross I must carry, that isn't heavy inasmuch as it is terribly uncomfortable, there is hope. It's raining, and I can hear the ocean. Somehow that gives me the strength to keep walking, even if I feel wrong and broken and ruined and wrecked, and my body feels like a prison full of too many dirty hands, and my brain is full of bloodsoaked cotton and I haven't slept in days and I am so hungry. Somehow, at the end of the day, if all I have is five seconds with that blessed body of water pressed to my heart, I'll be okay. That's all it takes. All I need is that one moment of pure grace, that single embrace of love, and somehow I know there's a resurrection at the end of this road. Love keeps me going. All my faith is anchored in love, really. And isn't that really the truth of everything? I can trust God even in this, because God created him, and he is still with me, and he loves me too. 

That's all I have to say for tonight. Thank you for letting me get all this out "on paper." It's been piling up in my brain for a while. 
I'm in the middle of backing up a lot of data to this blog so that's keeping me busy. But once it's done, it's time to dive into trauma work in earnest, I think. We'll play it by ear. 
But we're alive, we're somehow coming back more alive lately, even now, and there's always hope, always always hope. Somehow that's still my name too. Gosh there's so much future that I cannot even comprehend yet. But it must be there; I can feel it, singing like promise on the horizon, like the stars in the velvet dark, no matter what. 

We keep walking. Our Good God knows where we're going, and He'll get us there, one way or another.
For now, and for always, that trust in His Heart is enough. 

 
030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

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030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

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031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

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032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."

God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

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032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."


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032325

Double Mass morning like we used to! We MISS THIS SO MUCH.

"Lectio Divina" chastened; we're not LISTENING enough, we're STUDYING.
Took time to just let the Word (true Bread) "digest" for once (!!!) and finally got TITUS 1:15 INSIGHT = "pure" meaning "unmixed"; "single hearted" = GOD ALONE; as opposed to WORLDLY concerns = pride / ego = IDOLATRY OF SELF = "impure heart" of Matthew 15

"YOU CAN'T 'FEEL' GRACE; THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT THERE"
REMEMBER PROGINOSKES!!!

⭐HARROWING OF HELL = NEW ADAM REDEEMS OLD ADAM = CHANGES ALL HUMANKIND BY NATURE POTENTIAL IN THIS??

⭐HOLY FRUIT = SYSTEM + SPHERES NEED IT


In temptation, "GOD'S PRESENCE IS THE ESCAPE PLAN"


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032425

Slept in SO WEAK + DIZZY

Dreams good-- me, chaos 0, knux & rouge

Went to Adoration

⭐THE ED IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES?? "PURITY"!!!
CONTAMINATION, INVASION, POISON, ETC.
"ALL OR NOTHING" = EITHER A FIELD OR A FORTRESS
⭐TIED TO RELATIONSHIPS, ESP. SEXUAL TRAUMA!! BULIMIA IS COPING WITH THIS = "CAN'T SAY NO" SO WE "REJECT IT IN PRIVATE"
⭐THIS IS AFFECTING LAURIE. "WHAT AFFECTS THE CORE AFFECTS HER" SPECIALLY DIRECTLY


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032525

Terrifying night. Twitchy, weak, couldn't breathe. Chest pain & tingly numbness in extremities. Legit had 911 on speed dial

Woke up 5am, just in time to watch the overseas Mass online ❤

https://www.youtube.com/live/m9WLJfqV0Xw?si=U8g4bBkpOZxQHm0k
"Holiness is allowing God to fulfill His dream of Love, which is you. Don't fake it. Don't be afraid."

"Your life has infinite value" = it is a GIFT from God, Who created you ON PURPOSE for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE. You exist for a REASON and you are MEANT to be here

Got bits of sleep from 8am to 2pm
In the meantime doing ED & vocation research

My body legit hungers to EXERCISE.

Youversion devotional Deuteronomy 6:5 = COMMITMENT on our part BECAUSE GOD IS THAT COMMITTED TO US.
Heart = Jesus
Soul = Holy Spirit
Mind = Scripture
Strength = Second Coming!!


JORDAN PETERSON CLIP + COMMENTS JUST GAVE ME A CLARIFYING BREAKTHROUGH
https://youtube.com/shorts/voZN-qFXpQk?si=fXuUustM33LsTEKq

@benthornhill7903 + 25 min ago
Absolutely right. | had issues with substances until I found work that was more meaningful to me than the “fun" of getting drunk/ high.

@jimmcfarland9318 + 52 min ago
If you look at a running technique called Fartlek, which is also expressed in Galloway, you'll see that the afferent signal from the decreasing heart rate (one elevated) reaches the Nucleus accumbens. Basically, it's a reward for "killing the bear or escaping it." This happens via the vagus nerve, which is also triggered by eating and [sex]. Eating disorders and pornography addiction use the same vagus nerve, different stimuli.
The Kenyans have perfected vagus nerve racing, triggering the release of dopamine during a race. (I figured this out over 15 years ago.)

@draighodge6039 + 1h ago
This is why religious prohibitions fail: people need to do something (else). For example, "Don't steal”, is easier to obey when one has gainful employment.



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2025 Sat Feb 1 12:48 AM

I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DEFEATED

WHY = Utterly bereft.
I hope to God February brings some hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Meal Planning

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2025 Sat Feb 1 11:48 AM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & AVOIDANT

WHY = Don't want to eat.
Church in two hours.
Brutal confession due today.
Terrible headache still.
Burnt out on every level.
I don't know how to live anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready For Church;Day Scheduling

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2025 Sat Feb 1 3:02 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVED & LOVING

WHY = Forgiveness & hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Headspace;Church,Adoration;At Church

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2025 Sat Feb 1 6:05 PM

I'M FEELING = AMUSED & HAPPY

WHY = Lynne joking about olive oil.
Jewel being funny & energetic as always.
Everyone just being around each other.
Grateful for us. That's reason to live.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Central

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2025 Sat Feb 1 9:48 PM

I'M FEELING = REPULSED & ASHAMED

WHY = I got so close to winning.
The carrots set me off again.
I swear this body is addicted.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Sat Feb 1 11:53 PM

I'M FEELING = ANGRY & DISPIRITED

WHY = So angry that we keep giving in to carb hunger.
Must try again by grace tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Sun Feb 2 12:01 PM

I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & DETERMINED

WHY = Don't want to eat.
Don't want to go to mom's later.
I just want to read Scripture and somehow get back on the laptop to work.
I want to find JOY and REST today.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

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2025 Sun Feb 2 2:24 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & DISAPPOINTED

WHY = Can't vibe with any music today.
Still scared of eating and going to moms house.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Exercise Bike,Exercising

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2025 Sun Feb 2 4:12 PM

I'M FEELING = DISGRACED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Tests and trials and temptations are meant to REFINE MY CHARACTER and STRENGTHEN MY FAITH.
Do not despair. God will not ever abandon you. So don't give up on yourself either.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Sun Feb 2 7:36 PM

I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & NAUSEATED

WHY = I FOUND TBAS ACCOUNT.
THEY TOOK MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I can't stop crying. I literally am trying not to throw up from shock.

they've taken my WHOLE SOUL and stamped their OWN NAME ON IT.

oh god this is literally the end of my entire world
my childhood, my future, my hopes, all gone, all stolen, all destroyed
i have nothing left 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,On The Laptop,Internet Browsing

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2025 Mon Feb 3 5:06 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & FRAZZLED

WHY = NO SLEEP.
Still a wreck emotionally from yesterday.
Busy day today.
God give us strength.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Mon Feb 3 8:54 AM

I'M FEELING = RUSHED & COMPETENT

WHY = Busy day, but it SNOWED and we went to Mass and Genesis is singing in the car so it's all good.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;With Genesis;With Laurie,Commuting;Shopping;Psychology Office,Driving;Shopping;Psychology Appointment

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2025 Mon Feb 3 9:48 AM

I'M FEELING = ANGRY & CONCERNED

WHY = Prescribed olanzapine.
Will I still hear everyone?
Suddenly very worried even about the floaters.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

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2025 Mon Feb 3 3:12 PM

I'M FEELING = GUILTY & ANGRY

WHY = Pilfering food that I NEITHER WANT NOR LIKE NOR NEED. Compulsive stupidity.
Deeply ashamed and angry.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Disordered Behavior;At Mom's House

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2025 Mon Feb 3 5:58 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & FATIGUED

WHY = FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 6PM WTF DUDE.
But we made it bro!! Now we just have to pick up mom later BUT that guarantees a safe night!
Say it with me kids: GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Tue Feb 4 2:30 AM

I'M FEELING = LOVED & MOVED

WHY = I said, after the absolute hell of today, that if God gave me a Darkrai card it would be a legit miracle-- a special proof of His love when I needed it most tangibly.

...He gave me a Darkrai.

I'm actually in tears.
Thank You God. I love You too.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Playing Pokemon

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2025 Tue Feb 4 2:20 PM

I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & BURNED OUT

WHY = Food is a threat at this point. I never want to eat again. Meals are becoming traumatic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Feb 4 4:07 PM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED & DETERMINED

WHY = Too many demands at once and the body ALWAYS feels dirty and wrong.
Still determined not to let it stop us.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Tue Feb 4 5:28 PM

I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & DISCONTENTED

WHY = Scripture plans (Book of James) encouraging me to keep fighting. God loves me even now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Wed Feb 5 3:18 AM

I'M FEELING = MOVED & LOVING

WHY = Genuinely happy.
So grateful for God and the System.
Found beautiful music that brought me to tears.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Chaos 0,On The Laptop;Couch,Listening To Music;Going To Bed

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2025 Wed Feb 5 1:58 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & WORRIED

WHY = Getting work done BUT we apparently STILL BLACKOUT DISSOCIATE in social settings.
Trying to recover from that but we're shaken.
At least now we get to EXERCISE!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cleaning;Laundry;Meal Planning

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2025 Wed Feb 5 4:24 PM

I'M FEELING = THANKFUL & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = Laundry is done!
Now we get to eat with NO TRIGGERS!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Cleaning

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2025 Wed Feb 5 7:44 PM

I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & CHALLENGED

WHY = Legit sick from eating. Refusing to purge though. It's probably the high fiber + more hemp than usual. We're learning.
But we MADE IT THROUGH SAFE!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning;Meal Planning

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2025 Thu Feb 6 2:33 AM

I'M FEELING = TIRED & SATISFIED

WHY = Got a TON of good work done. Lots of System appreciation.
Great tunes by Pablo Alborán; gracias hermano!
Now for MUCH NEEDED SLEEP!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Journaling;Archiving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Feb 6 1:45 PM

I'M FEELING = BROODING & NAUSEATED

WHY = Can't stop thinking about how TBAS literally STOLE the Moralimon from me. That's my ENTIRE LIFE they robbed and are parading around as theirs.
I need to do something.
I need to defend the Truth.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Housework;Getting Ready For The Day

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2025 Thu Feb 6 4:38 PM

I'M FEELING = UNCOMFORTABLE & ATTENTIVE

WHY = OCD residue bothering us but we're learning to deal better.
Mom phone call threw us off a bit but we love her and we are learning to listen better.
Now to read more Scripture, to both listen and learn the most deeply.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Reading Scripture

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2025 Thu Feb 6 5:32 PM

I'M FEELING = TIRED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Tomorrow looming, but trying to actively put it in God's Hands.
Very thankful for dinner, the simple loveliness of broccoli and olive oil and salt.
It's blue & cold & rainy & beautiful outside.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Feb 7 1:53 AM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DREAD

WHY = Carb starvation binge again. Damned carrots.
3 hours of sleep tonight.
Packed schedule tomorrow.
God why won't this stop.
Why can't I stop.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed

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2025 Fri Feb 7 7:23 PM

I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TERRIFIED

WHY = 630pm BK + 3 hours sleep + hyperschedule day = night binge hell.
Praying this whole time.
God please help me survive.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

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2025 Sat Feb 8 2:11 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVING & OVERJOYED

WHY = I PRAYED FOR WONDER PICK DARKRAI AND GOD GAVE HIM TO ME.
I feel so intensely loved and cared for.
THIS is why you stay alive bro; GOD LOVES YOU

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;With Chaos 0,Couch,Just Woke Up;Playing Pokemon

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2025 Sat Feb 8 3:50 PM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & BLESSED

WHY = Confession.
I really want to be a true Christian.
Pray to our guardian angel for help.
Remember, ALL OF HEAVEN WANTS TO HELP YOU!!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Church,At Church

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2025 Sat Feb 8 6:40 PM

I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & TOUCHED

WHY = Beautiful prayers today.
Feeling so much more hope than usual, reminded of the grace & love & promises & power of God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Feb 9 3:53 AM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & LOVING

WHY = Got TONS of archiving papers done.
Lots of connection with the System, especially with music.
I feel loved & deeply happy.
OH YEAH-- AND IT SNOWED!!! ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop;Couch,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Archiving

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2025 Sun Feb 9 1:25 PM

I'M FEELING = DISILLUSIONED & INDIGNANT

WHY = Wasting time online because I'm tired. Stupid.
REALLY feeling Philippians 3:8 right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Tumblr;YouTube

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2025 Sun Feb 9 3:37 PM

I'M FEELING = ADORING & DETERMINED

WHY = With Infi's spirit in the Basilica heartspace.
So many musical love letters from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Infinitii,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Talking To Infinitii

2025 Fri Jan 17 1:22 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFUSED & HUMILIATED

WHY = Hijack + hack dreams.
Infinitii was involved.
I don't know how to cope with this.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Julie,Headspace;Couch,Just Woke Up;Talking To Julie

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2025 Fri Jan 17 2:18 PM

I'M FEELING = AVOIDANT & DISHEARTENED

WHY = Can't get out of bed.
I'm not tired, I'm... scraped out?
Awful feeling. Edge of despair.
Years of fighting the same war will do this to you.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 17 4:40 PM

I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Scripture teachings and encouragements!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2025 Fri Jan 17 11:58 PM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & BEREFT

WHY = Another forced selfabuse binge.
I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 18 1:16 PM

I'M FEELING = AVOIDANT & ASHAMED

WHY = Don't want to wake up.
Don't want to eat.
Crushed at having to confess all this AGAIN.

Might get to go to SJE though.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 18 3:49 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & BURNED OUT

WHY = God give me strength

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting;Church,Getting Ready For Church;Going To Mom's House,

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2025 Sat Jan 18 4:58 PM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & HOLLOW

WHY = My life feels utterly useless.
I've lost so much.
I've destroyed so much.
I see no purpose to my existence.

But God does.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Jan 18 7:53 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = Galatians 3!
Also DIDN'T EAT AT THE HOUSE so we AVOIDED PANIC DISSOCIATION!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 19 2:14 AM

I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & MISERABLE

WHY = Why can't we stop the bulimia?
Are we that damn hungry?
The body is so sick.
We're out of money and strength both.

Will we survive this?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

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2025 Sun Jan 19 3:17 AM

I'M FEELING = VALUED & WISTFUL

WHY = I'm loved, even in this agony.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Couch,Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

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2025 Sun Jan 19 1:19 PM

I'M FEELING = BUOYANT & ENTHRALLED

WHY = IT'S SNOWING BRO!!! ♡♡♡

Also we got to go to church TWICE!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork

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2025 Sun Jan 19 3:48 PM

I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & TRAPPED

WHY = Accidentally put too much olive oil in the broccoli.
This is one of my ABSOLUTE BIGGEST TRIGGERS.
I feel so stupid and terrified.

God please help me.
I'm so scared of eating too much and getting fat.
Why is that such a living nightmare?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Jan 19 4:55 PM

I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = OCD hell.
NOTHING IS EVER CLEAN ENOUGH

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Cleanup Room,Cleaning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 20 12:51 AM

I'M FEELING = GRIEF & HOLLOW

WHY = So hungry.
So sick of food.
Life is hell right now.

But every time I see Anxi's face i remember that there is something worth living for.

Please don't give up.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 20 2:36 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & GRUMPY

WHY = Life is just exhausting.
No strength or will to do daily things.
I just want to not exist in the body anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cooking;Cleaning;Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Jan 20 7:16 PM

I'M FEELING = MAD & SCARED

WHY = Post-eating violence & confusion. As always. WHY.
Life is just a living hell lately.

Several appointments tomorrow.
Possible food drives.
Already want to ragecry from fear & exhaustion.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Jan 21 2:01 AM

I'M FEELING = CONFLICTED & EXHAUSTED

WHY = Tight busy schedule tomorrow.
Tired just thinking about it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Trying To Sleep;Day Scheduling

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2025 Tue Jan 21 7:58 AM

I'M FEELING = AFRAID & DISTRESSED

WHY = Just... I don't feel well, and today is going to be all over the place.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready For The Day

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 22 2:41 AM

I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & SPENT

WHY = Long day. Awful stress.
Sleeping for like 12 hours tomorrow dude, I don't even care

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Cleaning;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Jan 22 6:48 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & HELPLESS

WHY = Addiction getting loud. Why?
Scripture offering both heavy convictions and profound hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 23 12:42 PM

I'M FEELING = DISGRACED & EMBARRASSED

WHY = Embarrassing myself by going to so many food drives and being TURNED AWAY.
This is legit a drug chase. What is WRONG with our mind???

CONTEXT TAGS = Driving

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Jan 23 7:12 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DISTRESSED

WHY = I must be allergic to cucumber. These symptoms keep happening.
Binge night due to being on the road & at mom's all day.
DETERMINED to CHUCK IT IN THE BIN instead of torturing myself.
God help me please! Let this be over FAST!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 24 2:17 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & SPENT

WHY = Shattered. My body and mind cannot take this stress anymore.
Going to sleep for 12 hours if possible. I'm wrecked.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 24 3:07 PM

I'M FEELING = APATHETIC & DISPIRITED 

WHY = So tired of eating.
So tired of being awake.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Jan 24 8:04 PM

I'M FEELING = NUMB & SCARED

WHY = Family disasters.
Still terrified of addictive compulsions.
Don't know how to cope with either.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)

2024 Mon Dec 9 6:03 AM

I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED

WHY = WE'RE GONNA GET THROUGH TODAY BY THE GRACE OF GOD NO MATTER WHAT

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Lou's House,Driving;Interim

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2024 Mon Dec 9 10:20 AM

I'M FEELING = CONFIDENT

WHY = We're GETTING IT DONE

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Medical Office,Medical Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 11:56 AM

I'M FEELING =EMPOWERED

WHY = We SUCCESSFULLY GOT THROUGH THE MORNING! Now we have the afternoon but THANK GOD WE WILL GET THROUGH THAT TOO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Commuting,Medical Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2024 Mon Dec 9 2:08 PM

I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE 

WHY = Possible credit check failure on the headphones. Feeling stupid for even ordering them although they are a LEGIT NEED for mental health.
Also upset because we're hyperbuying apples to ""find out what they taste like,"" AGAIN.
WHO THE HECK FONI IS IN CHARGE OF THIS. FIND THEM AND TALK TO THEM FOR HEAVENS SAKE.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Commuting,Medical Appointment;Business Work

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2024 Mon Dec 9 3:43 PM

I'M FEELING = THANKFUL

WHY = Finally sitting down to lunch, with beautiful rain outside.
It's been very much a Genesis day, which is awesome. I love him so much.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating

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2024 Mon Dec 9 7:42 PM

I'M FEELING = HUMILIATED

WHY =  Listening to Bruno Mars & singing along stupidly when we realized a young girl heard us. Total humiliation and self-loathing.
I REPEAT, WHAT FONI IS DOING THIS MANIC SINGING STILL? It destroys our mood and reputation.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public;In The Store,Commuting;Shopping,Driving;Listening To Music

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2024 Tue Dec 10 12:07 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPELESS

WHY = Feeling useless, purposeless, and a failure.
Tumblr idiocy browsing ruining my mind.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Tue Dec 10 8:38 AM

I'M FEELING = SAD

WHY = Bad dreams, exhausted with unrestful sleep, still have to do laundry today.
I just want to actually rest.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Tue Dec 10 10:14 AM

I'M FEELING = DEPRESSED

WHY = Like weeping

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

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2024 Tue Dec 10 12:48 PM

I'M FEELING = PRODUCTIVE

WHY = Getting ALL the laundry, cleaning, & cooking done!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning;Laundry

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2024 Tue Dec 10 2:52 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY DONE and we even cooked that butternut squash.
SUCCESS!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Tue Dec 10 3:12 PM

I'M FEELING = WORRIED

WHY = Worried about how our body will react to new lunch. Still gonna try. Exercise will help too.
Don't panic bro! Pray about it!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Tue Dec 10 10:20 PM

I'M FEELING = ENRAGED

WHY = F*male bullsh*t.
Two days better not do a damn thing.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Wed Dec 11 9:07 AM

I'M FEELING = GRATEFUL

WHY = WE DIDN'T DIE DURING THE NIGHT

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Wed Dec 11 11:59 AM

I'M FEELING = CONNECTED

WHY = Anxi's group AND Central WORKING TOGETHER.
Feeling genuine hope for the future.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Busywork;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Wed Dec 11 12:29 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Chaos 0 talking to the Emotions & outright telling Anxi "Jewel is in love with you".
Embarrassment pointedly didn't touch the controls, but Joy ran over & did. This 'allowed' Anxi to feel what she was REALLY feeling-- and God I FELT it.
She teared up & smiled & it felt like a sunrise.
Please remember that forever.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace,Talking To Central

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2024 Wed Dec 11 2:27 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Rushed for time, got an inexplicable hive, trying sweet potatoes.
But HOPE is determined to find the blessing, because God IS present in ALL this too.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating

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2024 Wed Dec 11 5:59 PM

I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED

WHY = So little good music.
Spent too much time looking at art on Tumblr and feeling totally inadequate.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2024 Thu Dec 12 5:16 AM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Late night conversations with Chaos 0 & Laurie.
I'm not getting ANY sleep and it's ENTIRELY WORTH IT ♡♡♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop;Headspace,Listening To Music;Journaling

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2024 Thu Dec 12 10:21 AM

I'M FEELING = AT EASE

WHY = Nice breakfast, good music, everyone talking together.
(Julie typing ♡ it's good to be alive and safe this morning.)

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Talking To Central;Nousfoni Fronting

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2024 Thu Dec 12 1:55 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT 

WHY = Wasting time on Tumblr while biking again. So fed up with how people act on there.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Internet Browsing

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2024 Thu Dec 12 2:37 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Exercise done. After we eat we can archive.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 12 3:58 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = Mom texted and wants us to go up the house. Already we've started panic dissociating and had to stop a knee-jerk panic binge (trying to shut down our consciousness + self abuse overwhelm-analogue mom coping).
Genuinely scared stiff. Might have to bike more to burn off the sheer panic.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning

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2024 Thu Dec 12 11:47 PM

I'M FEELING = TRAPPED

WHY = why won't this stop

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Fri Dec 13 4:50 AM

I'M FEELING = MOVED

WHY = Reading "the sea and the stars."

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Reading The Archives

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2024 Fri Dec 13 10:32 AM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = IN love, too. Waking up literally to see Anxi at her laptop & Laurie close by, and Chaos 0 in my arms.
Absolutely a good morning. ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Fri Dec 13 11:58 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Feeling the weight of foo many responsibilities and scheduled things, especially for the weekend.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating

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2024 Fri Dec 13 12:31 PM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = THE THRISKEFONI DON'T CARE ABOUT US!!!
THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEIR RELIGION

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Headspace,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Fri Dec 13 2:42 PM

I'M FEELING = GOOD

WHY = A little bit of hope. Good tunes by Ginger Root, and a supportive phone appointment with the case manager.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

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2024 Fri Dec 13 7:15 PM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = Uploading Chalyx's entries about Calyrex and WOW these are amazing.
Also SPECTACULAR PROG ROCK AT LAST, THANK YOU GOD & ALSO SPOTIFY

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,On The Laptop,Archiving

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2024 Sat Dec 14 12:38 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPELESS

WHY = this won't stop.
and tomorrow we have that damned dinner party with mom
I feel so dead.
I just need a week to do nothing but sleep and weep

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Sat Dec 14 5:19 AM

I'M FEELING = VULNERABLE

WHY = remembering when infi died.
chaos 0 & laurie weeping with me. lynne too.
everyone's hearts shattered.
feeling gravely like we need a hard reset. on purpose. we never had closure on cnc. it never "ended" we need to do that now.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Reading The Archives

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2024 Sat Dec 14 1:16 PM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Dinner party tonight. Inevitable social panic.
YOU KOINOFONI HAD BETTER BE TUNED IN OR WE'RE GONNA BE IN TROUBLE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising;Cooking

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2024 Sat Dec 14 2:01 PM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Listening to JVKE and just feeling System love so strongly. Thank You God for inspiring this kid & leading us to his tunes. We need this so much right now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Eating;Exercising

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2024 Sat Dec 14 5:59 PM

I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED

WHY = Going to dinner party.
Still frighteningly sick from throwing up earlier

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Sat Dec 14 7:57 PM

I'M FEELING = INCLUDED

WHY = Dinner with the fam!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Restaurant,Eating

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2024 Sun Dec 15 1:48 PM

I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE

WHY = Having to calorie-pack meals today because BK is at 1345. Scared it'll feel overwhelming.
So tired of being sick. Food has again become the enemy.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Cooking

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2024 Sun Dec 15 2:17 PM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = THANK YOU SAINT PAUL & YOUVERSION TRANSLATIONS FOR GALATIANS 2

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Eating;Reading Scripture

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2024 Sun Dec 15 4:12 PM

I'M FEELING = PRESSURED

WHY = We have TOO MUCH STUFF. What do we do with all these books?? It's driving me insane.
God PLEASE give us the direction we need here, WHO DO WE GIVE THEM TO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Praying

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2024 Sun Dec 15 4:54 PM

I'M FEELING = GOOD

WHY = Actual happiness right now.
Good prog rock, System love, and Christmas lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising

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2024 Sun Dec 15 5:29 PM

I'M FEELING = ANNOYED

WHY = Body frustrations.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Exercising

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2024 Sun Dec 15 7:46 PM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = Shopping with mom. Still no dinner.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Cleaning;Shopping

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2024 Sun Dec 15 9:41 PM

I'M FEELING = PANICKED

WHY = Minor binge GOD WILLING but still a binge. Wrecked and terrified and miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Sun Dec 15 10:41 PM

I'M FEELING = TRAPPED

WHY = Why can't I stop?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Sun Dec 15 11:34 PM

 

I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Destroyed all the danger food. We want to cry or shut off completely.
That bloody TBHU didn't fix ANYTHING.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home,Disordered Behavior

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2024 Mon Dec 16 8:43 AM

I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Poor sleep, not eating well, stressed beyond capacity to cope.
We desperately need a WEEK of nothing but headspace.
Koinofoni are actually starting to consider ""running away"" again.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;With Case Manager,Psychology Office,Psychology Appointment

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2024 Mon Dec 16 11:36 AM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = Visiting Our Lord ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Church;Adoration Chapel,Adoration

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2024 Mon Dec 16 1:01 PM

I'M FEELING = SAD

WHY = Body still so out of shape. Kitchen lights burnt out. Teeth still hurt like hell.
Exhausted. Life feels stuck, outside at least.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Mon Dec 16 7:06 PM

I'M FEELING = DISAPPOINTED

WHY = Popular media being far less laudable than I hoped. So done with all the promiscuity, violence, language, and casual blasphemy.
Emotionally & mentally exhausted.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Watching Animation

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2024 Mon Dec 16 8:36 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED

WHY = Night hunger. I keep eating carrots. Terrified of binge risk. God help me please WHY AM I SO HUNGRY

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Mon Dec 16 8:38 PM

I'M FEELING = GUILTY

WHY = So distracted & frustrated with mom talk about clothes.
I feel so bad that I cannot seem to pay proper attention to her. Lord forgive me and help me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Talking To Mom

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