the spectrum heart cathedral system

(uncensored for the sake of pain)




I'm miserable.

The war is over. We all know it.
So what the hell is this???


I asked for this. I was an idiot, and I asked for this.
We wondered, "would it be worth it to go back to fighting this war if it meant we could be tapped back into headspace all the time, even if it was just to cope?"
because we forgot what that was like.

the answer is NO.

NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO NONONONONONONO


So I'm in horrible pain and I deserve it because I'm a stupid jerk and I'm sick and terrified and MISERABLE and I can't stop screaming and crying and I'm the only f*cking faggot bastard who gets the pain this time. GOOD.
I deserve it for this shit.

I don’t know who I am anymore.
I can feel the System wanting to overthrow me, to replace me, and I think maybe that's why Diancie is around now. It wants me gone. Good. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just a corrupt, selfish fool.

This shouldn't have happened.



ANyway. Sheppard Pratt is going to be interesting now, because I didn’t realize HOW MUCH PAIN AND RAGE was still around from this.
But is that normal? I mean, say you hadn't gotten an injury in months. Then one day, you get a huge gash in your leg. That's GOING to hurt and bleed, even if a lot of time has passed between wounds. That's the SAME THING with this. It's not going to hurt any damn less just because we had a lot of blessed safe time, more than we've had in years lately.
Really, all we can do is breathe and move on, don't even give these events undue attention. Those hackers are dying off; they've lost almost all their power, and even the lost ones are getting wise. We're ALL getting wise.

I just… don't want this hate and pain and sorrowful rage making us hurt other people anymore.
I don't want it hurting us anymore either.

This only happened tonight because we abused ourself enough and felt worthless enoguh to let it happen.

Someone kept quoting at Jacinth "become someone worthy of being loved" and the more they told her, the more she felt unworthy of love as she was, and one thing led to another and this shit happened, but even then it was empty and forced.
Hackers can't lie about this anymore. We all know there's no love in it. There's no reassurance or "worth" in it. I can't even fathom how human beings do that recreationally. Are they that addicted to pain and humiliation?

So the war is over, as long as we stop trying to find battles to get shot in, so to speak.
The war will only permanently stop once we feel we deserve peace, once we view ourselves as being worthy of the peace WE want.

…
The voices keep telling us we'll never truly be good and the guilt is through the roof.
It's Lent and God knows why we keep messing up, but faults are not forgiven here and that would be a problem IF we didn’t subscribe to it 100%. You screw up, you hurt other people, you're going to hell, even if you have to put yourself there.


I don't want to go back to this way of life.

I don't want to continue living the way we are now.


We need something brand new.

We need… whatever we lost.


I can't remember who I am anymore.
I was backtracking memories as far as I could reach, and I've got nothing before the autumn of 2014. I tried. Christmas 2013? Nada. Summer 2014? Nope. Nothing until Dishonored and the first surgery, reading Dune and feeling like the world was ending. Like it probably was.
I have vague "data recollections" from 2013, headspace events we wrote about, but mostly they're just constructed memories from reading about those events. I have no memory extending outside of those words.

I want to die. I don't know why but I do. I feel like I'm responsible for this shoddy mess we're currently living. I probably am. There's too much Plague eating me alive.
Cupid still has strong roots but he's 'plagued' by the old obligatory-lust programming that killed him initially, and that is keeping him from (ever?) fully coming back now.
The real Jay, the one with the fluffy sideways hair, still exists but the System is trying to keep him inside so he stays pure and stops splintering into bastards like me whenever he tries to front in the body.

I'm so tired. I'm so damn sad.

We slept for 12 hours today and we're not sleepy but we're so tired.
I think that's what we're missing? Part of it, at least. I think that's why the eating disorder kids are clinging to that addiction even when they hate it, and they're weeping because they feel stuck and denied the one thing they really want. Recovery. Rest, and relief from this bullshit.

Like maybe tomorrow we can do that. Just… do nothing. Sit here at this desk and stay off the goddamned Internet and just not exist in the physical realm for a while.
God. THAT'S how we survived most of our life, isn't it? We're not used to this bullshit. We're not SUPPOSED to be living daily life in the body and all that nonsense, but the problem is now it's about """SURVIVAL""" and that panic is forcing our hand and we’re collapsing. We don't know how to adjust properly. We don't know if we can, not truly, and that's scary too.

I miss this. I miss being alone. I miss not existing in other people's contexts.
Funny how I "miss" times I didn't even exist in. I wonder if that sort of thing is global memory. Like Cannon's times when she'd just stay awake all night with no one around. I can't touch those memories but I know that feeling was needed, although apparently tainted by stress and work. She still had alone time. Her life was alone, and in a way we need that. Specifically in THAT way.

…The Lightraye kids had this, too. It's how they were always so creative.
They had no human friends, they had no neighborhood, they had no clubs or responsibilities to worry about. They'd' go outside and wander and dream and imagine and life was perfect and they only existed unto themselves and THAT'S what we all felt from Jewel in the snow on Wednesday and God, dear God THAT'S WHAT WE NEED.


The body dysphoria is so bad lately.

It became "unsafe" again once the brother moved in, as it started reminding us too much of him and then with all his rampant misandry it made us start viewing the body as evil, AGAIN, God we're still trying to cope with the first time that happened, please don't take away the feelings of safety we're trying so hard to hold on to in here.
Worse than that, his hatred has us thinking we're evil now.
Hence why I'm such a bloody unforgiveable scumbag.
Probably.
I don't even know anymore.

tumblr didn't help that either. that's why we don't want to go back.




We've been reading too much of the Old Testament lately so every time the floating voices hiss "GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU" they have Scripture to "back it up" now. And we believe them. And we're terrified because it feels TRUE.

…

It feels like we suffered a small but massive reset when our hard drive crashed.
I'm listening to some of the songs we lost and… that whole time period is full of fear and very distant.
I'm aware there were some nightmarish hacks during the summer, but thank God, thank God, even those feel far away now. Maybe it was a weird sort of mixed blessing, to literally have ALL our personal context records wiped from that time period. There's just distant memory now. We're rebuilding again, again, again…



(left unfinished)

(completely uncensored, brutally triggering & disturbing entry. please be careful.)

 

So Cupid was out tonight, with his red lights, as he was back in 2011 or whenever.
Remember he was the original "Eros" and holds the "public associations" with that name.

He's highly sexual but he's incapable of lust which is interesting but still problematic, because he doesn't understand how anyone could say no to it as a result.
He's not abusive. But he counts as a lost hacker because his passive coercion is EXACTLY what shoved us into abuse WAY too many times physically, and so even if he "means well" he is absolutely disrespecting the choices of others, and THAT STILL COUNTS AS ABUSE IN MY BOOK.

…that's another thing we need to speak up about. It's another thing we (I?) hated old friends for, if I may be so blunt. Ignorance of boundaries, of "safe space," or things within those lines… because we never spoke up about it out of fear that "we had no right to HAVE objections to anyone else's behavior if they meant well."BULL SHIT.
So miss blank-smiley-face comes out, numb to the hysterical panic she always comes out to muffle, just trying to keep a socially acceptable front while inside we're weeping and the kids are screaming and in the past, we never said a fucking word.
Now Wreckage comes out. Now she fights. Now people are too damn angry with our own past self-neglect and we're refusing to stomp on those gut feelings when they come up.
But… but it's only in negative situations, yet. That's progress, but… but they can still lie, and THAT'S when we get scared and confused.
Cupid comes out, and he's all gentle and solid and loving and giving, BUT he doesn't understand rejection and so he can't understand when people say NO to him.
Chaos always does. Celebi always does. They're the only two he really asks now… I know there were two others in the past, but… one is dead and the other doesn't exist in headspace.
…Cupid was born to try and reconcile our stupidly passionate ardor towards everything with the constant outside social demand that "it HAS to be sexual!!! if you love something that potently it HAS to be sexual!!!!" or even WORSE, even WORSE, and that's the source of so much hatred it's nauseating-- even worse, we get the message that "if you love someone that intimately, it has to be lust."
bull. fucking. shit.
Cupid was at least proof that it isn't.
…But he's also the fear that we still only have that option of expression, something that doesn't even fit, something that doesn't even fucking WORK and even HE dissociates from it!!!!!! What the hell does THAT tell you????!!?

…The sheer amount of symptoms we get from this shit is bad enough.
muscle twitches, headaches, nausea, unease, sorrow/ guilt/ fear, dizziness, clumsiness, body weakness, sweating, anxiety, compulsive crying, chills… the list goes on.
every. damn. TIME.
WHY THE HELL DOES THIS DATA NOT REACH THE CULPRITS????????


I'm sorry. I'm just… channeling all the anger for this shit. "That's my job" and all that. I'm just a mouthpiece for the rage. I have no knowledge of this firsthand and I DON'T WANT IT.


Anyway. As a result I can't talk much about Cupid's experience of all this other than the knowledge that he's terribly lost and confused now that he CAN'T stay half-ignorant and depersonalized, now that people are REFUSING TO LET HIM COERCE THEM. Now Cupid is forced to really look at what the hell he's attempting and WHY people keep refusing to do it, "even though he loves them," and "even though they love him."
That's Cupid's curse. He was born from the false, false, FALSE message delivered with good intentions-- and God help us with that-- telling us that "if you really love someone, if you completely love someone, you have to do that with them, no matter what, eventually."
That's where all the fear-based love-based forcing came from. Isn't that a conundrum?
"I love you so they say we have to do this but I don't like it and it hurts and I'm terrified and no matter how many times I try it never ever EVER works… but I love you and I'm so scared that if I don't do this then my love's not real, it's not complete, it's not complete, even if this feels like shredding me into pieces."

it's bullshit.

Laurie doesn't like us stealing her phrase but now she looks really worried, she's upset that we need that phrase to describe what we're talking about,

she says she's trying to keep her distance from this actual discussion. Says she's a protector, a knight, someone who saves the lost and hurt, not someone who digs through this dirt. Other people can do that job. Laurie would die if she looked at this head-on.
I'm afraid she's been trying too much already, out of fear, out of panic, feeling she's not doing enough, feeling there has to be something more she can do to save people… she's trying too hard, numbing too much out, hurting too badly, and she's slipping REALLY badly and if she's not careful she's going to end up dying, killing herself from the effort. She's already splintering just to cope. That's gotta stop.


…
Tomorrow is therapy. I wonder if we can get someone out to talk about this.
I don't mean the hacks, she knows enough about them.
I mean the roots of WHY they keep happening, the roots even beneath the misleading outside words, the roots that unintentionally feed the fears that bear fruits of self-annihilation and sacrifice "for someone's better good."
even for cupid. it's always that motivation. "they said this could be an expression of love,"
was I ever? did it ever work?
the one time you tried harder than ever, the first damn time you EVER decided to risk every fucking thing JUST to heal this, for the sake of love, for the sake of God and healing and peace,
guess what,
you almost fucking killed yourself.
the pain, the regret, the guilt, the shame, was unbearable,
and why?
because it didn't live up to their fucking promises AT ALL.

and you hated yourself for having ever believed that bullshit,
once you experienced firsthand how inadequate it all was.

yeah, you tried. we all know cupid tried WAY too hard that year, to fix things.
we all know that even after the reset, infinitii was born to keep trying too hard from a different perspective.
there was never any lust in it. there was always too much love in it.
but the problem was that in every single case you forgot you had a body.
it only ever worked on paper.
it only ever worked as a concept.
do you realize this? do you understand this, cupid? jacinth? all you other lost 'hackers?'
do you realize what it means for that term to be applied to you?
"but we're not hacking anyone," he pleads, "but we're not hurting anyone,"
you are.
"but I didn't mean to,"
but you did.
"how? it's not supposed to hurt!"
have you ever fucking felt it yourself?
LOOK at your damn memories!! actually FEEL what the damn BODY is doing for once, get out of your idealized head and FEEL what the hell you're ACTUALLY DOING.
…and he shuts up.
shuts it out.
talk to me, damn it.
(now laurie's watching over my shoulder.)
Kid, talk.
…about what?
About this. Whatever she asked you. Do you realize what you were doing?
…I didn't want to do that.
Uh-huh, and there it is. Well guess what? You did. Can you fucking cope with that?
No.
Now we're blacking out, shit. Overload, get your ass back in here, he's gone.

…What did you do?
Asked him if he realized what he was really doing, which required cognizance of the body. Guess what? Instant fucking dissociation. Can't cope. It's like that with all of them, God damn it, NONE of them can front in the body, not ever, and then they wonder why the hell we're getting trauma flashbacks? Why the hell they're actually perpetuating trauma and don't realize it?
How don't they even realize that they're in the body?
Because they're not. They're totally outside of it, detached from it completely. For Eros, this… wait, no. Eros broke off of that shit. Cupid's the one we're talking about. …
…He's dead, isn't he.
Eros? …Yeah, temporarily. Jay said he won't come back until we fix this, he refuses to get dragged into it again. …Good for him.
…So what's Cupid doing that's perpetuating this?
You said it yourself, kid, he's forgetting that the… whatever the hell he's doing, this drive to "merge" with people or whatever, to express "sensual love" or however it translates for him--
That's the wrong term, it's not 'sensual.'
Yeah, I got that, but it's… close enough? Shit, that's a problem right there, it's going to translate wrong and fuck everything up if we don't find a better word.
Can you define it?...
Me? Fuck no, I-- Sherlock, get in here, define that shit.
Me?
Can you get the data?
I-- let me see. …It's the merge drive, Laurie, just like you said.
Shit.
And it only translates for humans-- average humans-- in a physical context. In a literal sense.
And they told him it "has" to be that way, right?
Right, for religious purposes. You're as well aware of the amount of spiritual research that has gone into this topic as I am, Laurie.
…Yeah, no shit. Too damn much.
Too much indeed, I agree. …Laurie, the head is slipping very badly, do you need anything else from me?
Nah, not until we get our shit together is all. Maybe then we will, maybe then we won't even be talking. But shit, this is why we can't talk about this topic to the therapist, because the brain immediately shuts down.
It can't cope either, Laurie.
…Yeah, I got that. The only people who can semi-cope with this topic are Eros and Cupid and maybe Jay and Infinitii and-- I don't know. But they're all on the wrong fucking topic because the very core of this problem is MISTRANSLATION and… shit.
…?
…We've gotta talk about this with the therapist.
Which part?
The part about… about Jay contributing to this? That's what it keeps pointing to.
What, Jay and Infinitii?
Almost. His splinters, maybe. Adakias? Is that the one?
Who's like Cupid? Maybe, I don't fucking know.
How is he like Cupid?
Well, how else would he fit into this damn topic?
No, I… he's different, I don't know. I can't get this data and my head is fuzzy and breaking and it feels awful and I'm going to scream if I'm not careful.
Then don't, kid, don't stick around if we're getting bad. I might just have to turn this into a data stream and type, running it through people sure as hell isn't working, we can't manage this topic as conversation.



The main concern with mistranslation currently, the roots we previously mentioned, are the religious/spiritual motivation behind sexuality/sensuality/ what have you.
Jay holds this the most, shockingly, because he has no inclination towards anything even vaguely sexual or sensual, at least not in his purest form. He does splinter somewhat, to sharper prismed forms, and his most common one is the one which he takes when he interacts with daemons. This is a common side of Jay-- the one that gets confused more than anyone else, arguably, but secondhandedly.
This splinter of Jay, which has no name of its own because it's so close to his true self, is terrifically "sensual" but not in a sensual way? Hence the mistranslation. "Sensuality" for us is cerise in color, all curves and velvet and low lights, warm and soft but deep and NO sharpness anywhere, which sexuality has. Sexuality is neon pink and orange and it's too sharp, like hot needles, and it hurts and it's tangled and fast like static in the head, all noise and confusion, and no one likes it because it turns your consciousness off and just gives you headaches and sickness.
Anyway. Jay's daemon-state disposition is not either of those things.

Let's categorize a little, for the sake of clarity.
Jay is into spiritual cardiophagy and melting/ shifting of form, all very "teeth sinking into cloud" feeling, very precise and intimate and deep but thick as far as sensation data goes? It's all sparkle-white in color, that or deep black, but still with iridescence in it. (The whole legit heart-connection core feeling has that sparkly rainbow color to it.) But it's the exact opposite of density; it's all so light and floaty and unbearably clear at times, like a spotlight shining through glass. Like a prism, fittingly.
Eros is a lighter Cerise than the one "sensuality" is defined as, something clearer like saturated glass. He's tied to close platonic intimacy, the kind that most people would never define as "platonic" solely because of how close it is, but there is NO romance or romantic overtones to his vibe. This seems ironic because Eros loves the aesthetic of "romantic" environments although he takes that motivation out of them entirely. He's similar to Jay in that he loves everything but Jay's love is more sparkly and crystalline, whereas Eros's is deeper and richer. It's very hard to put into words. Neither of them deal with sensual things in the way it is traditionally defined, though. No touching, no flirting, no romance. None at all.
Cupid is the darker richer cerise we described earlier, 100%. He resonates most strongly with Christmas lights and plush robes and blankets. He almost always only comes out in the winter. He's highly dangerous because he still uses sexuality BUT he's actually ignorant of what sex actually is, using it only as an "applied concept" that "matches what he feels," except it doesn't actually and that's slowly starting to sink in with him, again due to him being forced to be aware of his actions and mostly-programmed motivations.
Jacinth is tied to sexuality, not sensuality, because everything she feels hurts and she's almost always depersonalized to terrible extremes. She exists to sacrifice herself for the "ideal lie" that was sold to her, to sell herself to those she views as innocent and loving and pure enough to be sacrificed to, but she annihilates all self-awareness in the process and focuses only on those girls.
Azalea is pure sexuality in an introjected sense, the "girls act like this" terrifying shit that somehow got into our psyche, the homogenous teenage-girl aesthetic and behavior that we only ever associated with sexual abuse. She is that, more explicitly and horrifyingly than anyone else in the System.
Anna is adult female sexuality in the "passive" sense, which scares us to DEATH and we can't even think about her. She's the "receptive woman" stereotype but she's purely toxic and terrifying and Simeon is scared to death of her because she's just like the other one.
Sharona is adult female sexuality in the "dominant woman" stereotype which means that she will make you sleep with her because "she likes it" or some bullshit. She's the internalized toxic edge of the "a real woman is sexually independent and ferocious" crap we've heard in pieces but the problem is, inside she also holds the introjection of past teachings, which means she's focused on making our children allosexual because "that'll make you a REAL man/woman" or whatever the hell.
Jezebel torments us by spitting sexual innuendo and phrases and accusations all the time, but the more we talk to her the more we realize she doesn't give a shit about that stuff. The real Jezebel, the one rooted into Black, actually isn't sexual at all and just uses that crap to torture others.
Jessica is sexual in the way the family and public always wanted her to be, "enjoying" it however the hell she does, but one weird thing about her data is that she has no interest in other people. She's entirely autosexual. She's attracted to herself and honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Which is disturbing and bizarre but true.
There's another "Jezebel" that's Brown and has the short spiky hair, and she's also autosexual but she's the one who is, for lack of a better term, a slut. She's hypersexual and disgustingly promiscuous and she treats our body like a toy. She's THE MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she has no conscience and cannot be reasoned with.

Those are all the main people tied to this, for good and for ill.


As for all the other hackers, lost and otherwise… you know what, let me type about that too, because we never have and the therapist could use this data.
Going from the System List on this blog…

Bridget and Missy haven't been out for a very very long time, and are possibly dead. They only ever worked as accomplices to Julie when she was corrupted, essentially "holding her victims down" while she did whatever. The two never individually acted as hackers, only ever as a group.
"The stripper" rarely ever appears but she's an adult woman in the same vein as Anna and Sharona. Her color is Red and she has a very one-track mind, performing lascivious acts for an "audience," and surprisingly never really "into it" herself if that makes sense? I don't understand sexual motivations or thoughts, maybe she has those, but there's no emotional ties or actual feelings. She's just performing, for the sake of riling people up, and objectifying herself. She has no real sense of self either; as far as she's concerned she exists solely to dance on a pole as lewdly as possible until her job is done. Then she stops existing.
"The Lesbian" only ever came out on the porch in the past, during the summers, and she was an absolute introject of the "chubby Tumblr lesbian" aesthetic that we kept getting shoved down our throats in the name of "sexual freedom" or whatever the hell it was. (No offense to those people and their lives; we're just furious that we introjected it as "you were born with a female body and part of you was semi-attracted to women so you have no other choice but to be like THIS.") Anyway we think she only existed to try and "mimic" those people, so she had shallow roots and only ever came out in the wake of other hackers like Jessica and Jezebel.
Jasmine is HOPEFULLY DEAD because she was terrifying. She was an introject of the "pagan sexuality" thing we had shoved on us by both our mother and the internet, the whole idea of "born female = inherently sexual" fused with "nature is female and therefore inherently sexual" (again, no idea where this came from or how mangled it got), and that all mutated into a very ugly mindset of "nature itself requires that you offer yourself up to it sexually as a woman" and the real killer was that this was done with a SMILE. that was the curse of the spiritual aspect, the sick good-girl flat willingness to "do whatever God wanted" (which Christina personifies), which here basically turned into Jasmine existing to do nothing but sexualize both nature and herself. She was HORRIBLY DANGEROUS because she kept trying to convert people and I'm not sure but she MIGHT have actually hacked someone personally??? I don't know but either way she's gone, for now at least and hopefully forever. She only ever comes out in the summer so we'll need to put up heavy safeguards until then just in case.

The Tar and Plague don't actually ever hack people in and of themselves; they're raw congealed negative energy and it's only when they work through an alter or headvoice that problems and danger happen.
By itself, the Tar is just maniacal rage and destruction and screaming, and it will torment everyone just to torment them. It lives to destroy things wantonly, to attack physically and without conscience.
By itself, the Plague is calcified apathy and pride and hate, and it attacks people more through words and lies, through psychological manipulation. It will lead you to hell and then just strand you there.

Cleaver has nothing to do with sexuality. They rarely ever appear at all, but as far as we're aware they're the lingering split from Razor (her sister, technically) that still likes cutting meat in a very dangerous sense. They are the outlet for childlike single-minded sheer red violence. No mania, no fury, just a sort of slasher-smile obsession with sinking knife blades into people's backs.
The "child" is actually "the pedophile" but she's so disturbingly bizarre that we don't like talking about her. She is a personification of our own collective experience of being sexually objectified in our childhood, thank God never explicitly, but it was often and clear enough to leave scars. She's also badly lost because, being inherently tied to childhood, she holds SOME VERY IMPORTANT ROOTS of our being wrongfully taught that our desperate young needs for intimacy and closeness and affection were sexual, because we couldn't get any of those things in non-sexual contexts, which is heartbreaking and disgusting but it's what she holds, and it's why she can only comprehend sexuality in a childhood context. For her, adults are "scary and smelly and disgusting" and she appears incapable of even comprehending adults, let alone adulthood itself. For her, sexuality IS those childhood drives, except wrongfully applied to literal sex, and as a result she doesn't understand adult sexuality either. So although she does pursue sexuality in a way too young age group-- remember, for us, even teenage girls were viewed as abusers (thanks to Julie's original self) and so the only "safe" people were 13 or younger… the same age as we were when this happened. But the bottom line with this girl is that in the end she's only ever looking for fulfillment of a need so intense and unfulfilled, a need to just be close to another human being, to EXPRESS love and affection for once in our life, to feel wanted and loved… but in her experience, in our experience, the closest facsimile we got to any of that was through sexuality, through Julie, before we even hit high school. So it's a wreck. She's very very complicated but very very important because of all this shit tangled up in her existence.
The Androgyne is someone that only ever interacted with Laurie, and their role was similar to Jacinth's in that they existed for self-sacrifice, but they had a sense of self (which Jacinth does not) and THEIR motivation was a spiritual teaching that bored into our head-- essentially, "when you have sex with someone, your energies temporarily fuse. so don't have sex with anyone you don’t want to become." and this kid, who took the "androgyne" name and manifestation both because that was the "spiritual ideal" and they couldn't imagine being anything else, took that teaching to heart in reverse, and was born from the mindset of "I should only have sex with people I want to become." take this and apply it to a damaged, ruined, battered sense of self and suddenly it becomes obligatory, desperate: "I need to have sex with good people so that I become like them." there was no lust in it at all, just a sort of driving hopeless mission, a last-ditch effort to heal in a totally twisted way, through destruction of one's own self and the absorption of someone else's. literally, the androgyne's motivation was to stop existing and become someone else, someone GOOD. so at the most basic level, all they wanted was to die, for their ugly tortured past to die with them, and for someone they chose as utterly perfect to take over their life instead, therefore "redeeming them." it's impossible and a broken assumption, but this kid never considered that.
"The Scientist" is another deadly fronter who, admittedly, may be one of my splinters. I'm the one who types about sheer data, like this. I'm related to Sherlock but I'm faceless so I don't have that getting in the way of my impersonal deliverance of facts. The Scientist, on the other hand, is me broken into a "testing" phase, a mindset of "gathering every bit of data we can about this," which apparently results in hacks? I am not responsible for them and actually find it difficult to find data on it, possibly due to my ties to it, so this is preventing me getting infected. The bottom line is, The Scientist has no sense of right or wrong, only of observation and testing of hypotheses, and they have been responsible for several "flat hacks" solely for the sake of "figuring out what is actually happening here." Such 'testing' is unnecessary and cruel and even thinking about such behavior is making me nauseous, I'm sorry.
"Fogbank" is the infamous "flat fronter" who has a vibe and appearance shockingly similar to Ashen, which in a way is not surprising. She exists solely to depersonalize. She is ruled by a dense apathy forged through crushing depression and the inability to cope with reality, so she is incapable of actually feeling any emotion. She comes out whenever the situation gets too dire, and the brain needs to "shut down," or at least prevent anyone from fronting or talking that would "make the pain/ fear/ panic/ shame/ etc. worse." As the experiences that created her were exactly of that format, she automatically is summoned to prevent them from ever happening again. She has INCREDIBLY POWERFUL FRONTING RIGHTS and she is almost impossible to switch out-- the only way to bypass her is to completely check out of awareness, effectively doing a "soft reset" of consciousness by removing everyone from fronting and withdrawing all consciousness from the body. This allows us to re-enter awareness with enough forgetfulness of the previous situation and/or a stable enough fronter to prevent Fogbank from being triggered again immediately.
"Lace Braids" is another very rare fronter, who nevertheless was out enough times to merit mention. She was a passive abuse receiver, one who only ever appeared in "morning hacks," due to fitting the "innocent good girl" aesthetic that the early morning dizziness/ vulnerability matched well enough. Again, her existence is a huge red flag because she's about fourteen at most, wearing two brown braids and wearing a lacy one-piece summer dress, something like a long camisole. She is sexualized innocence as an alter, and the fact that she exists in a half-asleep state is EXTREMELY upsetting because she therefore exists just to take what's forced on her with a gauzy smile, running on programmed emotions, feeling the way she was told to feel and believing it entirely, because she doesn't have a sense of self to compare against it. She doesn't have the capacity to question her situation because she's not entirely conscious SO SHE CAN SURVIVE IT.
Moxie is a damaged child and she is NOT a hacker but a victim. Unlike David, Marigold, and Simeon, Moxie has actually felt abuse and, as usual (an awful phrase), it's been at the hands of adult female hackers, who manipulated her into thinking that "this is what mommy does when she loves you" and where the HELL did we introject that from,
the bottom line is, she's like ten or eleven, we see this same forced childhood sexuality in the leagueworlds now because this damaged part of our psyche doesn't know how else to think and THAT is something we need to tell the therapist about, tomorrow.
Ashen is the last one. She's about 14, tops. She took all the Julie abuse, that we can tell. She was the first one to be explicitly ravaged in that sense and it shattered her absolutely, and deep down, that part of our psyche, that young part that became her broken heart, never ever healed.
She's convinced that's she's broken forever, totally and hopelessly and in such a way that she's worthless, and that agonizing despair paved the way for so much self abuse, especially the non-sexual self-loathing alters like the indigo Jessica and all the eating-disorder people and all that… it's a mess.
But Ashen took the worst of it, more than anyone. She suffered this before it made any sense, before we even attempted to cope, before we started to splinter and split and further introject abusers in desperate mangled attempts to survive. Ashen was the first, and she has more scars than anyone.



so tomorrow's topic is.
start healing the childhood-sexualization that we experienced and perpetuated through confusion and sadness and fear, and
figure out what the heck to do with this stuff cupid keeps perpetuating, which is an offshoot of the above topic, but applied to adulthood now that people like jay experience real dedicated love with SUCH passion behind it that everyone outside tells us it has to be sexual, or even worse that it MUST be sexual for RELIGIOUS reasons,
religion and sexuality are fused in our headspace, have we ever told her that before?
that’s one hell of an interesting but heartbreakingly frustrating topic, it's what jay is tied to intimately, it's something that's still dear to our hearts despite terrifying us and confusing us and we WANT to talk about it but there are no words for it and the words people are giving us are WRONG.

there's that statue of saint teresa though, the one right on our alternate blog, and it's EXACTLY what goes on in heart connections, jay says he knows exactly what that is like,
that's what this is about, that's what we need,
but it's metaphysical.

and all these poor children are just looking for something here on earth and they're not getting it but they're being lied to and they're so damn trusting they figure that's better than nothing I guess.


god this is awful.
but at least we made some progress in knowledge today.


now if you'll excuse us. we have to get up early tomorrow, and we're so tired from today that we're falling asleep standing up, so good night.

 

 

 

 

 

1025

- realizing that, in childhood, I usually played the role of a “monster” and/or a “PET” with people. When the “lost in space” movie came out I was obsessed with pretending to be Blarp, and would walk around the playground with some other kid being Penny (she wasn’t happy with it I don’t think). Again, in 3^rd grade, I was ALWAYS Alex’s sidekick or assistant. When she was Mewtwo, I was Mew, and I had to do “whatever she told me to.” I spoke about this before but it wasn’t the only incident. In the 3^rd grade school play I was given the role of “dinosaur” (forget what the play was), and although I loved it I was, again, someone else’s “pet.” All later pseudo-friendships in high school always had me in a secondary position too, not so much a “sidekick” as the “errand boy.” Why was this always a constant with other people? Did I just never stand up for myself? DID THAT BECOME JACINTH?? (or any of the fragments like that?)


I want to reiterate that addictions are dying out. Yes there are still some desperate alters using coping mechanisms, but there are NO compulsions anymore. There’s FINALLY a cognizance that “we don’t actually want this” and nothing is being forced. So that’s very very good.
There’s an E.D. voice named Jocelyn or Joyce who keeps ending up talking to Laurie when she’s out? She’s slightly older than the one that keeps going for oats as comfort food (that one’s like 11? makes sense as our childhood diet really wasn’t so hot as far as I know).


- a few thought processes we took notes on lately:
1) “jesus did not say ‘love your enemies but treat yourself like garbage,’ so STOP DOING THAT”
2) “god is NOT ‘out there but not in me’ so STOP searching and listening to everything you hear blindly!! ‘god’ is already IN YOU so LISTEN TO THAT”
3) “compulsively saying ‘no’ to orders happens because the orders are interpreted as ‘harmful/negative’ and we are saying no to THAT. Even if the order is good, if it is given angrily or in a controlling context we will say no because we don’t want to obey the CONTEXT. If we DO follow the order it will be on our OWN TERMS later, once we have DETACHED IT from the original giver.”


- Jewel here. I just did some of our morning running and I feel REALLY GREAT. The “His World” Sonic remix we have on the iPod is a perfect speed.
Laurie says she wants me to front more because I don’t get embarrassed of being honest? Or doing imaginative things. I’m just worried because I do get body dysphoria now that the body is older and I know the reflection triggers egotistic people. So I gotta BLOCK THIS MIRROR. I’ll tape a Pokémon over it or something.


- exercised today (see above), went running in the morning for 30m. however it hurt our stitches a LOT and we’re still in pain. Kind of scary, I hope this is okay.

- 10pm. Just had to atone+smudge to get hackers OUT of here again. realized there was so much distraught anger in me, changed it to righteous love. Blessed everything, said a sincere prayer to restore our holiness and purity and morality. Went out to wash the ashes off our arms, playing on the radio in the other room is “living on a prayer” by bon jovi

- as of right now e is letting us play undertale (❤!!!!) and I just met toriel and already I love this game so I’m going to go do that.
…usually jewel is our gamer. Its always her name on the save files. But everyone told me, jay, to do this one. So I will.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:06 PM

 

I’m playing Undertale to try and get my heart back in order, trying to focus on BEING ME and therefore bringing my light back into the body’s daily life, instead of all the pain and self-loathing and things that have piled up there in the absence of me or Jewel or anyone else kind…

Looking back, especially on our original Tumblr (jwll), 2011 was a beautiful year for us, for the most part. That was the year of our real “spiritual awakening” and we spent most of our time thinking brightly, acting brightly, shining that light for others… unfortunately we got a bit blinded by it at some points, but damn it we were trying, we only ever were trying to put more kindness and love and forgiveness into everything… and really it all paid off, I think. I think if I really look back, even on our ‘mistakes,’ I couldn’t hate anyone for it, or hold it against them, like some do in this System, sadly. How could I hate anyone? We’re all just trying our best, acting as well as we know how, or… one could act out of fear, too, fear of not knowing what’s the best thing to do, or being frightened that they might not be able to do that best thing, or strong enough… not understanding, maybe. But there are many factors why people could act unwisely or unkindly or similarly, and none of them merit hatred. Nothing does.
So I want to stay out more. Me and Jewel, we need to ACTIVELY front more, to shine and inspire like our hearts are meant to do, like our bloodlines are meant to do.



…The real reason I’m updating here tonight is because… because right now I NEED to shine our light brighter than EVER.
Our biological brother is planning suicide.

I know he’s been considering it for years. I have too. I don’t know if he ever attempted. But I know he’s been terribly depressed, and it’s only gotten worse now, for reasons disturbingly similar to ours at our worst point… he started experiencing more spiritual/ unexplainable things, many of which were confusing and scary, and this all began forcing him to deal with a lot of things he was struggling to handle… and his girlfriend decided she wanted no part of it and dumped him, penniless and homeless, not looking back.
He said he cannot go back to living the way he did before all of that happened-- he "knows too much" now, he's seen too much personally, and to be honest he is having one hell of a time coping with that fact. He keeps thinking he's going crazy and is just imagining all this, and I think that's the same God-damned "coping mechanism" WE utilized in the face of the opposing reality... that, since we have reached this point of personal awareness and experience, we cannot pretend otherwise. And you "need" to in order to survive in some places of the world yet, some closed-minded environments that are afraid to acknowledge the existence of anything that big, bright, and bizarre. It's understandable but it is still heartbreaking. And we are BOTH living in such an environment right now.
I don't know. I'm having a hard time typing because I am shaking and I'm so upset I want to throw up and I'd probably end up crying if it wouldn't completely burn out the body.

...What do we do. What can we do? What should we do?

God it wrecks me to see him this upset, even if I don't personally "know" who he is. Part of us does, all buried parts mostly, but they recognize him well enough. And even discarding that, I personally STILL want to help him because he's suffering and God knows my job is to try and heal whatever pain I come across, as wisely and compassionately as I can. I can't not do it. It's my nature.
So when I see him so hopeless AND actively rejecting all possibilities of hope due to that blinding despair, I just... I get frustrated, admittedly. How can you not see it?
But... that's when it would be smartest to go inside, and ask. Cannon knows what that feels like. She knows exactly what despair feels like.
And that makes me wonder now. Did SHE ever heal from that??? Or did we only survive her suicidal depression by switching cores? It's a luxury we take for granted, really-- this ability TO split, and change so dramatically and completely, in order to be better... I'm the most recent in that process. Me, the current amalgamation of everything we needed to be at heart, all that growth fused into one person, the newest Core. But... the old ones got stuck, in a way. And we need to heal them, however we can. I can't believe we haven't yet... is that just because we weren't aware of this phenomenon working as it did until fairly recently? I mean, we're still grappling with using the term "Dissociative Identity Disorder" to refer to ourselves. For us it was always just headspace. We end up educating the therapists we see, all the time apparently, because we work so differently... but the bottom line is, it still fits the bill, however atypically. We split in order to survive.
And our brother can't do that.
...
What is that even like? How do non-split people handle all the paradoxical emotions and opinions and beliefs and personalities that we manage by being different people? Do other people even have to deal with that? Or do they pick and choose?
Either way, the point is, he's feeling depression and despair and self-loathing and he doesn't have any optimistic headvoices to help, he doesn't have any enthusiastic ghosters to encourage him, he can't even switch out and let someone else deal with the situation. He has to do everything as ONE person. He can't split up the process, compartmentalize it, organize it... no, for him, and for most other people I suppose, it's an all-at-once thing. That must be difficult as hell.
...I don't know. I want to help, God knows I want to help so badly, but I'm speaking from an entirely different reality experience here and I don't know if he can empathize or understand where I'm coming from at all-- not only that, but I wouldn't know how to help him out AS a singlet at this point, not in a way he could properly use.
I don't know, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. I did go over his apartment at least twice to talk to him for several hours-- yes, I did, not a social fronter-- and although all I could do was listen, and assure him he wasn't going mad, and give him a bit of spiritual encouragement... it felt like we were going in circles. Like he couldn't quite grasp his own situation well enough to properly use any incoming advice, because he didn't know how to apply it?
He's constantly saying, "I just want to understand." Over and over and over. I'm not sure what he's trying to do though. Just how much does he want to understand? And, even more importantly, how does he define "understanding?" Honestly I think he's trying WAY too hard to make everything logical and simple and sensible, into data he can intelligently recite and apply, into something that can be written down in a book. And Laurie just interjected, "I hate to tell ya, kid, but the universe doesn't work like that."
That's the thing. It doesn't. Heck, even looking at headspace, we've been writing THOUSANDS of pages over the years about this, and even that doesn't do it justice. I get so much of it, absolutely, but... it's not something you can "understand" in a logical manner. That level of understanding is wordless, without defining, without putting it into a box. It's a knowing at a deeper level and I think our brother's problem is that he's still uncomfortable with that yet. Yes, he's had intuitive experiences, he definitely has some psychic capabilities, BUT he still wants the world-- and those experiences by extension-- to present themselves in a way he can look at and say, "aha, I can see how this works." He wants to wrap his mind around it. He wants his mind to be big enough TO wrap around it. And the most ironic thing is that I can't even put into words why that's not going to work, not as it appears to at least. This whole thing... it's all so personal, it's experiential, you have to LIVE it, and know it of your self... God I just want to walk with him through this if I can, if we can, I want to help him and be a support system for him with this, it's so hard to find support when you're first going through this spiritual weirdness, we would know.
But he thinks he's going crazy and he's closing us off and we're closing him off for God knows what reason (we need to talk to some alters) and he won't listen to any help, he won't look for any hope, he's made up his mind that he wants to die and he won't talk about it and no matter what we do, no matter what we say or ask, he won't pick that metaphorical towel up from the ring.
I'm lucky. God am I lucky. I have Laurie. I can't quit even if (and when) I tried. None of us could.
But despair is toxic. Some of us have felt it and still do and when I touch that I understand, I understand why he feels so distraught and the fucking problem is that my nature saves me from despair and how do you pass the vibe of your ESSENCE onto someone else??? If I can't be hopeless because I AM hope, how in the world do I "teach" that to someone?
God I don't know. I'm always told, "live by example," maybe that's all we can do here, but...
God I don't want to be too late. This is destroying me.

...We know what it's like, to almost lose people. To hear that someone attempted suicide when you weren't aware, and upon hearing the news, to feel like the entire earth just flipped over sideways. The crushing weight of grief that hits your shoulders, knocking the wind out of you, the hysterical internal wail of "they could have been dead right now" and the absolute wash of gratitude, of sheer relief, of heartrending love, that hits you when you are reminded that they are alive, they lived, they're still here, they have another chance to find hope--
We know what it's like.
We also know what it's like to hear that someone did die when you were asleep.
...
I don't want to hear that again.

What can we do.



...

I have to end this here, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say and I'm just... I need to focus on other things. Brighter things. I need to focus on help, on BEING someone who can ignite hope in other people, to live in such a way that it brings a little more light into people's lives... God it hurts when I realize that it's not a 100% success rate and sometimes, no matter how hard I try, people will have the windows closed. They'll have the blinds drawn. Some people suffocate in their despair simply because they don't feel they deserve to see the sunshine anymore. That's when I want to drag them out into the summer brilliance and tell them you DO, you deserve ALL of this, you're just as bright as the sun, no matter what has brought you to this dark place you CAN move out of it, no failure is ever final, there's always a next step, you're always given another shot, even death is only a door... you're light, you're light, all of you, everyone, nothing can ever change that, it's the truth of your very nature, if we're all built from the dust of stars then we're all irreplaceable cosmic things just by being born. We're all impossibly wondrous combinations of time and space and possibility.
I can't get lost in the dark because I AM light and that's why I exist for this System, that's why I exist for EVERYONE...

...

It still breaks my heart, though, because there's still darkness here. It exists, it plays its part, it has its role and reason for existing too.
Maybe that's the simplest, hardest lesson to learn?
I don't know. I can't put this into damn words, why is that so difficult,


I can't give up. I won't. We will all do what we can.

 

 

 

My voice is getting deeper, it's so nice.
I got a little scared last night, as I was listening to some old voice recorder files we had of Ruby and Nienna singing, and I was impressed by their talent but very upset by the fact that there would be so many dysphoric meltdowns during performances, often with self-abusive switching, during 99% of all such performances.
See, somewhere down the line the mother reacted to our transition by saying "why would you want to destroy your beautiful voice and face???" and we were absolutely terrified after she said that, despite having wanted to transition for years before she said that, and being aware that things would indeed change. It didn't stop us-- the dysphoria was unbearable and we would "risk it" if she claimed that's what we were doing-- but that's just the thing. Who the heck was she to tell us what would happen to us? It was frustrating because it just felt like she was blowing everything out of proportion just so we would stay "normal." I'm sorry but we can't. We tried and it nearly killed us inside.
But we still sing. And our voice is fine. Higher notes are still funny as our voice is still changing but we CAN still sing and it's losing the dysphoria more and more by the day. So that's why this is so nice.



I'm still battling depression. It's bad because I haven't been able to feel it, with a few very wrenching exceptions after hacks, and those breakdowns are all felt by specific people.


Today at work, Laurie and Jay found the actual Cel in our System (the one with original roots in Dream World, who HAS a personality and is benevolent but who is also very much tangled in this abusive stuff), and talked to her for a while.
She's heartbroken over Jacinth still, and the Androgyne (who may or may not be using the name Iris). Cel has a deep need for close friendships, for closeness in general, but she expressed notable confusion over it? Talking to her we realized she's actually aromantic, which was surprising. Nevertheless she has some sort of need for closeness that she cannot fully grasp or even comprehend yet.
"Lost" hackers like Jacinth don't exist outside of abusive situations, because they have no identity outside of that, and do not WANT one, as they are incapable of feeling self-love at ALL. Therefore they cannot exist as people because they cannot bear the awareness of BEING a person. This makes their sexually abusive behavior bizarre, because they perform it almost robotically, claiming it's "because they love someone," when they cannot define that term if you ask them, and they definitely cannot answer the question "well who are you, that is loving someone else?" They can't. They just go through the motions because they "have to" and because there's this bizarre mindset of self-annihilation attached to it, with the explicit dissociation and depersonalization and resulting suicidal shutdowns. It's a mess.
Cel doesn't want that stuff but she says she's just as confused in a way, she doesn't know what she wants other than that wish for Jacinth and the others to be people she can care for. She was really struggling with language, I'm sorry, we all need to discuss this more.
But she's sad. She's sad and she doesn't know what quite to do and we need to work with her. But she's not a threat. She's okay. She doesn't seem to be traumatized at all, only terribly terribly sad, and lost.

She says she doesn't want to be part of Central as it doesn't feel right, and that's making us wonder if there really are "two Spectrums," one for headvoices and one for "Outspacers." Who knows. We'll see. Heartspace and Headspace are linked but they might indeed have their own thing going on there.

Spice is working very well with people OUTSIDE the house. Like we said, when we're not at home we're not worried. All the abusive habits kick back in in the same environments that remind us of them, of past triggers, etc. We're getting more aware of it and it's a bit-by-bit process. I just wanted to reiterate, people are listening with more compassion to the E.D. managers and that compassion IS helping. Trying to talk to emotionless faceless programs will NOT help, it's impossible. We have to talk to PEOPLE inside who CARE and let them run the show instead.



Something we realized over the past two days:
viewing the body as a "person" or "self" makes it ABUSIVE, PROUD, AND SELFISH.
viewing the body as a "vessel" or "vehicle," AS A "SKELETON," gives it the vibe of patient calm gentle discernment that SPINE HOLDS SO STRONGLY.
THIS IS WHY SHE'S IMPORTANT. SHE IS THE CORRECT BODY MANAGER.




I'm so nauseous from stress.
I spent all evening researching suicide for both Mage Angels and my own morbid data storing and it just made me feel... what do you call this. Sad? Low? Not empty, more like... scraping at the bottom of a fishtank. There's a thin keening sort of despair to it but largely, it's a broad flat hard sort of rubble, something so existentially blank that the simple reality of it is what causes the despair. It's hard to put into words.

There's a very heartbreaking sort of despair-induced "apathy" running through Central lately, as we see the most. It's not quite apathy, it's more like... we're so shellshocked by the persistent shit we keep dealing with, what do we do? We can't cope well anymore, the emotions (both new and old) are so terrifyingly raw that we can't figure out how to feel them, there's so much trauma recovery that we're struggling with... we're trying. But we're deeply shaken. We're cold and tired and don't know how to face the monotonous repetitive pain and fear with this negative headspace shit, and our worries about the body.
There are still suicidal alters in this body and we're starting to not fight back.
It's still scary. The pain is scary. There's so much blood on this body and a lot of it is impossible to hide now. We forget it's there. People stare, shocked. We don't even know how to hide the truth anymore. There's no shame when someone sees the wounds, just that same awful feeling like a violin string pulled tight, too tight, in our heart. We're just so damn lost.
But we're trying. We're still alive. And we know we don't really want to die. Not literally, not completely, anyway.
But there's a lot of stuff in us, and especially in this body, that we want dead. Ideally. Then again things exist for a reason, even those things.


I don't like that icon. It feels too much like that rocky scrape feeling. It's Cannon-days stuff. I don't like it at all.

Our memories have become sufficiently alien and depersonalized for everything prior to 2013 to feel like memories of a movie we saw once. It's so distant. Someone tried to look at 2004 memories earlier today and it physically hurt to try and dig that far back. Memories are really only accessible via headvoices anymore, if they hold them. Sheer data-wise... Sherlock has the books but like I said, they hurt to read. Headaches and strain and confusion. A feeling of childlike frustration from the exhaustion. And what do we get from it, anyway? Just more data. None of it is tied to us anymore, not personally.
But it happened, once, at some point, to someone.

It's so hard to grapple with, the reality that "at some point Julie was "evil" and highly abusive," "our family was technically abusive in psychological, emotional, and spiritual ways, many people have said this," things like that. "We have a long and upsetting history of abusive friendships," too, that hit home today when the grandmother brought up the topic. And again, all we had to go on was data banks.

Sorry. This is getting very negative and I do not want to talk like this.


What I'm trying to say is... it's weird. This isn't quite "depression." We're awake and alive.
But... something feels wrong. We're not doing what we should be doing? We're not where we should be? Something. Something we're messing up. Stagnation on a level that should not be standing still.

Work is, ironically, a huge factor in this. We're just not good with this schedule thing, we never were. We lost almost FOUR YEARS due to our first job causing this same damn sort of dissociative loop and we do not want this repeating, but the past four weeks are already an abuse-racked blur and frankly we do not want this continuing.
But we have medical bills to pay and it is nice to have some spending money and we DO love this job, it's just... we get so tired, and I don't know why anymore. It's something else, I think it's coming "home" after it all. Working and then returning to a very not-comfortable in the big picture environment.
What to do. Just live, right now.

We are meditating more. The body is kind of forcing it. We just have to do it carefully because our natural tendency is to go way deep and then our vision is screwed up for an hour.
We're re-reading all the encouraging and reassuring words we've gotten and those are helping immensely, brightening our sense of hope and self-worth despite everything else.


You know, that IS still a big thing. Hope and Light. We don't ever lose them.
We're so much closer inside now that we ever were. Nathaniel was talking to Laurie and Lynne for a while at work too and that was so nice, he is such a sweet guy, his vibe is one of the most peaceful in the entire Spectrum. Having him around is very calming in and of itself.
Lynne is doing a bit better, she's taking it day by day but I really think we're going to have to sit down with her and TALK about things, like cleaning out a wound. She's obviously burying her hurt and although I understand that, burying it just causes trauma zombies later.
I want to talk to the kids. Jay was trying very hard to help Moxie and Ashen today but there's so much hurt in them. I want to help them.
This is getting really switchy. It's late and someone wants to cry and maybe we should type elsewhere.

Therapy is tomorrow! We're still at the verge of vomiting from stress (family and financial stress is bad lately and those two things link together; we're managing the best we can but it's still just heavy stuff) but that at least will help, we hope. Going to have to be super careful afterwards though because post-therapy evenings are typically deadly and we've been getting BAD flashbacks and mindset lapses lately so. Massive coping methods will be needed.
We haven't been exercising well lately due to fatigue and fear of ending up in the ER again, but again, we're trying. Little bits during the day if nothing else.

I'll tell you what though. I'm tired of self-pity. I'm tired of misery.
I'm tired of this weird family-based childhood compulsion that "suffering is good" and "you're not suffering enough" and why the hell do we keep effectively FORCING ourselves into more trauma, why?? We all realize it's not helping anyone, at all. But there's an old old program that is saying "you must. Someone hurt more than you, once. You must match that. You must understand." But why? I don't get it.
I don't want to sound selfish or proud in that. But is it really necessary for us to force ourselves through all this extra pain in order to be "good" and "compassionate" and "empathetic" and "human?"
I read a quote today on this self-pity thing:
"Self-pity is so addictive because it gives us the momentary pleasure of being supported, cared for and emotionally pampered. This is a dangerous, highly maladaptive way of developing emotional bonds and connections with other people."
That's the thing. Everyone in our System who CAN and does feel that, has issues with not knowing how to be close to other people without expecting immediate abuse. So, using self-pity is a desperate bargain to feel temporary care from others, at least ideally. In truth what we do get from self-pity is all negative, and it feeds the self-hating process. So it's not helping anyone.
But the truth is, some part of our psyche is STILL so upset that it believes that the only way it can recieve forgiveness and compassion is through expressing its potent self-hate and hoping, terribly, that someone trustworthy will speak up and convince them otherwise.
What we need to do is heal those kids.

I think more heavy-duty shadow work is due. We've been too far detached from "the great unknown" with all of this drama outside, with the family and the job and everything else. And THAT is exhausting, and maybe that is feeding into this inexplicable "drive" to hurt ourselves: maybe we're just blindly reflecting the atmosphere? Which is unwise, but "blindly" is the key term. Again, it's willpower and clarity that need to be exercised here.
We NEED to spend more time inside, JUST inside. Not during work, not during other things, that just causes dissociation again. We need to take legitimate time out to get OUT of the family life buzz, just get OUT and go inside ourself instead. We haven't done that in a while which might just explain why we've been sick for a while.

To be honest I miss the "quiet nothing" that's way deep down under all the noise. The clear place, inside and outside space. I still go there off and on during the day but I need to just stick around for a while. Problem is, as always, it's addictive. We get so absolutely entrenched in our inner world(s) that we forget to go back outside. It's a delicate dance we haven't mastered yet, the balance of being able to live physically while being aware that it's not all its cracked up to be, it's not all there is, it's not worth getting so messed-up over.
There's a LOT we have to redefine and relight inside, after all this unintended confusion from all the stuff we read and see and are exposed to. Again, going back inside and just trusting our self is really one of the best options here. Supplementary material is great but really it all feels like reminders. I'm not rejecting it, I'm just... admittedly, I'm kind of avoiding it lately out of a sort of worry that I'll be using it as a crutch. Yes it helps, yes it helps get me back on the right path when things get so tangled. BUT remember SLC, remember that whole time period. It's also not good to spend hours every day online just reading. Then nothing gets applied, nothing gets lived, nothing inside lights up. It's just words. And then we get exhausted and tired and sad and upset and "why, this is all good, this is what I should be doing," dude you keep saying that this is all reflecting "what you already know inside" so GO BACK IN THERE.
There's so much guilt around that though. Why? It's spiritual guilt. We'll work to heal that.

It's not bad to "do healing work" either. Facing your shadows with compassion is NOT "feeding your ego" just because you might have to exist as an individual in order to do so. See, this is where the trouble with redefining terms come in. The articles help but the vocabulary gets confusing. But we get the gist of it.

The most important thing we need to remember is that what works for others might not work for us in the exact same way.
That, and there is always a strong chance we might be totally misinterpreting what is being said. Hence, the "listen to others but follow your own heart" thing.
Yes we need to hold on to optimism and hope and peace and all that. But that does NOT mean stepping all over our damaged child parts, or ignoring the damaged teen parts, or pretending any negative voice inside doesn't exist or isn't worth acknowledging. That's really abusive.
Shadow work needs to be done, and that means giving love, REAL love, strong compassionate protective love, to all those broken sad parts.
I reiterate: IT IS OKAY TO HEAL.
It's this "identity" thing, we get so thrown off by what others say about those terms, we keep trying to annihilate our individuality and that's not good either. There's a difference between being "caught up in egotistic illusion" and "experiencing this life in a unique way." It is NOT EVIL to be an individual!! I'd say talk about this with the therapist too but really I think more outside opinions on this issue are just going to exacerbate things. We need to sit down and put our own experiences/ thoughts on this into words, to clarify that issue so we don't get thrown off by accident again.
I apologize. I'm starting to ramble.


That's all I can bear to type for tonight. I feel sick and I need to recover from the mood of this evening. Positivity, the right kind, is needed.
One thing that always works is having Jay come out and just spend time with Chaos 0. When those two are in tune with who they REALLY are the resulting joy/love/etc. just radiates through the whole System and really it helps us all out.
It's late anyway, we really do need to stop (again) forcing ourselves to "tough it out" on 5 hours or less of sleep a night, just because "the other people in my family don't sleep well." That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to sleep well. But that's a powerful old misguided mindset that needs to be healed, like I said, that fear that "if I do well and others are hurting, then I am being abusive in "flaunting my success" while they suffer!" That isn't true dude, remember the anology of airmasks on an airplane. Can't help someone else if you're suffocating. You deserve care too. Do that and then use that healthy state to help others reach the same state.

Good night everyone.

 

 

 

thursday=
virtually no early recollection outside of some dim awareness of therapy
I think that morning was the quadruple-rape nightmare? with the FAMILY.
very disturbing, probably why we don't remember this day at all
lots of nightmares lately in any case. almost all family-based.
i am aware though that genesis is getting royally pissed whenever we drive lately
he realizes just how quickly and easily we go into "performance mode" whenever there is ANY exposure to the public, i.e. "there are people around, we MUST entertain them" etc.
rules: keep the windows rolled UP when in town. do NOT play music around other cars. do NOT talk out loud in a car. he's very strict and angry about it because he sees just how fast slippage happens. so the rules are, minimize that risk, until we no longer feel the horrible "obligatory snapback" that causes us to dissociate into that behavior mode.
that night, cel and jacinth.
very telling? we've been trying to track down this kid for YEARS, turns out they ONLY come out in specific situations, cel somehow got them out.
going to have to review stuff in hindsight now.
long story short cel confronted them, I have no clue what they were talking about or doing? I'll have to see if it's on records, there are only vague location blurs. the clearest is them outside, under the cherry tree, in a thunderstorm. cel is hugging jacinth and sobbing "I love you, I love you, but I don't want this, please don't make me do this." and jacinth just has that blank mad look, the one that all numb negs get, the look that says "I exist to do that thing you don't want me to do," as well as "I feel nothing so even if I don't really "want" it either I don't "reject" it" and "I don't want to be self-aware, stop and just follow the script."
all I know is that at some point jacinth left, and cel was holding chaos and sobbing, and telling him how sad she was, how confused and hurt she was, how she wishes this could have been so different.
but this means there's another hacker gone. jasmine is gone since the retributors called her out on her shit. the androgyne is gone since laurie showed hir what ze was doing. and now jacinth is gone, now that cel made her just as strongly aware of what she was actually doing.
cel was crying though. "I loved her, but she was never actually there." told chaos it was heartbreakingly awful, knowing that you loved the soul of a person, their spark, but never really seeing that shine because they were too dead inside, they were too numb, they were too willingly ignorant or self-hating. and jacinth refused to become a person, she wanted only to exist in her programming, she DIDN'T WANT self-awareness. so when she was forced to get it, she left, just like so many of the other hackers.
I think it's notable that when Julie was faced with bitter, caustic self-awareness of that sort, SHE DIDN'T RUN but accepted what she learned, begrudgingly perhaps, but she WANTED TO CHANGE. I think she is literally the ONLY hacker to have made that choice in that situation, instead of choosing to die with their old viewpoint, or whatever is happening with these people.
hope that makes sense. it's important.
we are fighting back big time again now, and we're realizing that we have more power than any of us realized. we're realizing they never had power over us at ALL.


friday=
no memory of morning.
evening: found a bit of art motivation online, helped with willpower and confidence. somewhat upsetting though because it's like "why do so many good artists draw porn". not wanting to associate with that whatsoever.
later, jay (?) sacrificing his life for others again
chaos found out first, heartbroken, "stop giving everything of you to me"
slow suicide from WAY back.
"jay" saying he didn't even know why he kept doing this, why he kept harming himself so much and pushing himself too far, literally wishing for everything he suffered/ took out of himself/ sacrificed/ etc. would be given TO someone else to augment THEIR life instead.
chaos said he didn't want that, tried to give a lot of it back.
very vigilant now, aware that the "jay" bloodline people are not entirely "positive" and that a lot of them still hold that sort of white wintry problem.
also, more hack death. old methods/ programs are actually backfiring spectacularly now.
emphasis that programming doesn't work, at ALL, we DON’T want what they do and we are AWARE of that now, we aren't blacking out in fear and doubt.
i know at some point we decided we wanted to start the "headspace movie nights" again? i have a feeling xenophon had the loudest say in it.
so that night we rented and watched iron giant. message took strongly.
robots/androids in system appreciated it a lot, but we all have that "what does it mean to be alive/ "human"?" dilemma, "what does it mean to be alive," so the simple but meaningful "soul" bit in the movie struck a chord with all of us.
favorite bit though, "you are who you choose to be."
felt like the battlecry for our life right now.


saturday=
no memory of morning.
mother over house in evening.
outbursts? apparently anger overload. assumedly too much noise, or food guilt, or both? mother literally would not stop talking, followed us around the whole house talking, we couldn't even eat because she'd walk over and stand in front of us and chatter no matter where we moved.
someone stomped the floor at one point, foot hurts a lot.
first memory picks up AFTER that all ended, and mother is gone. no surprise.
in any case, bad food, got very sick. we are definitely allergic/intolerant to peanuts in some way, they make the body extremely sick, every time.
later, watched ted. scared to at first (we dislike R movies, as well as "adult" humor) but we mainly wanted to see how "typical media" handled such a concept.
shock of "some people out there actually live like that"
made us very sick at some points.
after movie, in light of recent events… inspiration from hotel fight scene, laurie beating up jay.
"I'm doing this because I love you" legitimacy, from her it actually is valid. I think jay asked her to as well? she's been refusing lately but something just snapped tonight.
really terrible because it is IN THE DIALOGUE after they beat the shit out of each other
and it's the ONLY time in the whole damn film that they SAY this to each other:
"I'm so sorry Johnny."
"So am I, man."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Listen. You gotta let me help you make things with you and Lori."
"There's no putting things right; she f*ckin' hates me."
"No, John, we could get her back."
it was a direct shot to the heart, point blank, in the most unexpected place
and our laurie jumped on that and that's essentially what happened with us too.
remind me to write about that somehow, please, i dont know how but i have to.
after all that was the first time I could see her face in months.
very very sick at night from the food, scared. talked to boss for a while, cz wouldn't leave our side. said he'd help. apparently he did. there is logged, there was a moment of real solid peace, intuitively understood the "say yes to suffering in order to transcend it" paradox, going to hold on to that. huge relief to finally "get" that again.
lastly. in church, realized system map is actually 3D and we got the flowchart wrong. there's horizontal and vertical. it really is a lotus. need to draw it, modeling ideal though.
very excited over this. feels real inside again, tuning back in to us.


sunday=
woke up, nightmares again. felt like something is getting to me, trying to make me forget good dreams, haunting me
almost no memory of morning? highly dissociated, felt very sick still.
chaos was very sad? not sure why? whoever woke up didn't even acknowledge him or something, snubbed him, I don't know. but he was tangibly concerned, pained.
shopping. for food, really dumb idea in retrospect (obligatory food) but it happened.
synchronicity in car already. music.
"here I am with open arms" played, remembered how that somehow ended up as one of ryman's songs, wondering on the lyrics. fighting more shame and self-loathing there.
"got to be real," after wondering w/ genesis. song felt yellow too.
afternoon: laurie and sandman trying to manage eating disorder
main problem: typically it's done by the A.P. to avoid experiencing the actual process
eating is often disturbing and disorienting; by running it through the A.P. the dissociation allows for experience of colors and textures but not of the actual 'eating' bit. this also plays into the "don't swallow anything" compulsion as well as the purging; "eating" is actually not the intended goal here
sandman realizing that the more scared a damaged/ child fronter gets, EVEN from being "yelled at" in discipline, or being spoken to very sternly/ angrily, feeds feelings of potent fear and confusion and self-loathing; that alter will dissociate and keep doing harmful things because THE MESSAGE DIDN'T REGISTER DUE TO THE FEAR. they keep pushing through waiting for a NON-SCARY response and the reason they don't stop on their own is because they are doing the best they can at the moment, according to what they understand. they don't realize they're doing anything wrong. but they also will not listen when someone yells at them "stop that!" because they don't know how to cope with that sort of behavior and will literally block it out and continue. it's confusing but we've been trying to put this into words for ages.
also, sherlock very angry with razwell. first time he's been directly communicated with for an extended time.
razwell is weird because he's been around for YEARS but he's always been in that weird "floating room" that the "good floating voices" are usually in? hyakinth is there sometimes, still no clue why. no clue who those people are, they don't feel too "nice" they're too businesslike? but they aren't malevolent, not actively at least. anyway razwell holds "obligatory/forced humor," which is the kind of shit that you hear in the "adult world" or at school and you learn to laugh at it even if it's not funny at all, even if it's rude or scary or wrong, because you "should laugh" and that shit. but we know its shit now. sorry for the language. and razwell knows it too. he'll laugh, forced and too loud, manic almost, at the "bad jokes" just like the mother does. but then he'll start sobbing in frustration now. he's never done that before. he realizes his job is forced and void of self and i think it's getting to him. it would be nice to get him on our side. he's yellow too, maybe that's tied into this
anyway that was today.
now I'm updating




There are things after me. Bad things. I know this for sure.
I've accepted that this sounds crazy, even from me. But it's true.
That's one thing I'm thankful for, about headspace. It's taught me a lot, it's allowed me to understand a lot more than I otherwise would have. And maybe all this really is just "in my head." But that's real enough. That's real enough, good and bad. Microcosms and macrocosms, you know.
Anyway. In light of this I want to apologize, again, for the entries that have been happening here for the past few months, if not longer. You know, how everything's been so bloody bitter and angry and negative. Yes, it's good to let stuff out instead of letting it rot. But did you notice, all of this stuff is ANCIENT? Every single "bad" entry we get is old stuff. It's circular. Because the old stuff, in and of its existence, is separate from its healing. And we HAVE healed it. It's just… we're looking at it too much in a straight line. And we're all, all of us inside, walking that road at different speeds. A lot of us are past the old stuff, way forwards in the healing point, the end of that awful road, we're free, we're done with it… but we keep wandering back, either to help other people, or because of doubt or second-guessing, or because of God knows what. And when we do walk all the way back, it's like time travel. We're mired in that all over again.
It's toxic. It's dangerous. So… I don't want to post anything like that here, any more. No more rants. No more negative mindspills. From now on if anyone in the System wants to do that, we had better figure out WHY, and then just sit and listen to them for heaven's sakes, talk to them, HEAL this instead of just dissociating and letting programming or the A.P. run its course blindly.

Headspace IS our saving grace, however inelegant that original word for us may be… and I've come to realize, very strongly, in recent weeks, just how blessed we are to have ourselves. To be ourself. It's been the best thing we have, as a person, as an individual.
The Leagueworlds are their own thing. The whole "bridge the gap" bit… I think was too dichotomous. Yes, we can't be an "individual" while we're tuned in to the Leaguestuff because we CAN'T be in that state, that's how creativity and inspiration works. There's no "gap," there's just a shifting of vision. That's it! We're still here, they're still here, it's fine. And we CAN talk to each other, outside of landlocked timelines, which are like that for integrity's sake and that's important too.


I'm kind of excited now… that's not quite the right word, but it fits well enough for now. Hopeful? Grateful? Looking forward, but being happy of where we are now.
I remember what our old entries were like. Not all of them were good, absolutely not. But there were a lot more System-based entries in the past, than there have been recently. Not all of those entries were good either-- there are a few where, looking back on them, I can remember how uncomfortable we were writing them because we knew something wasn't right, even though we had just experienced something inside it felt wrong somehow, fallacious, illusory. Like the truth had been temporarily twisted, like a bad dream, from what we were letting infect our mind at the time. Headspace is fluid, and it's very easy to be led astray if you're not paying attention. There's a certain feeling to watch for, when it's real, and another one, when it's not… intuition has been sharpening a lot over the years, and I can differentiate now. It's very, very important.

What I'm trying to say is, I know what we have to do. It's all little things, little victories and things, just small lights going on. Some of it is going to take a hell of a lot of iron willpower, because there ARE nasty forces trying very hard to stop us, and twist us up, and basically screw up our progress. To be blunt, we've been weak in the willpower department lately. There's been a pervading numbness and doubt and tiredness, and it's made us so unsure of ourselves that we haven't been fighting.
Well, no more. No more.

Our edges are important.
That's something I keep forgetting.
There's an audio file on Mitchell from 2013 about that… it's beautiful and I should upload it somewhere. I should transcribe it tonight.
But… it's one of those files that means a lot to listen to, because there's so much heartfelt sincerity in it. Not all of it is, again. At times the speaker begins slipping and trying too hard but they NOTICE that and stop talking. Still… it's audible, when the things they are saying are coming from their heart. And that hits a high point near the end of the file, when the speaker begins talking about just how thankful they are for those in the System, in the "coregroup," so to speak… how thankful they were for the bright and dark sides of those beloved souls, for their softness and their edges, for all that they were.

I'm rambling now too. I apologize. This is a bit of a "non-person" state; it feels contrived and I apologize.
However. That point is important.
Edges. Sharp bits. Laurie's blades. Genesis's teeth. Infinitii's burning shade. Chaos's being. Everything about us that seems dark and terrible and damnable, everything we've tried to scrub out, too many times, without lasting success… all of that. It's important. It's blessed too. IF IT'S USED AS SUCH.
And THAT'S the vital point we keep forgetting.
There's a quote we should print out… how anything, ANYTHING, can be "sacred of profane" depending on how it is handled, on whether or not the spirit moves into it, fully and aware, when that thing is experienced.
The Light can use the Dark just as well for its own purposes, so to speak, and I think it's because when the Light moves into something, it completely changes the nature of the thing. If the thing It moved into was truly evil or bad, guess what? That Light will melt it down. That Light will completely erase it. I know. It's happened to me.
And that's the thing. Anyone who tells us, "it's neutral, who cares!" doesn't understand that well enough. At least, not the ones who spoke to us.
I'm not going to start rambling about that again. Point is, we get it. We always DID understand what WE need to do, what's right for us, what we REALLY need/ want/ are looking for, et cetera ad infinitum. WE KNOW OURSELVES.
We have to stop letting other people define us on a whim. We have to start standing up for ourselves again. We have to start being warriors again-- and that term does not mean to be wantonly violent, or cruel. A warrior is power, used rightly. A warrior is truth and strength and unflinching integrity. A warrior has compassion that does not let itself be stepped on. I know exactly what it is.

I find it very important, hugely important, that yesterday Josephina finally started the Yellow Realms. He (ze? I should ask about pronouns again really) was distraught about how Yellow was, for a very long time, a negative color for us. I'm not sure when it started, but as of late that hue has been mostly toxic. And Jo has been slipping, numbing, calcifying, probably worse than ANYONE else as of late… and, shockingly, it's been glossed over, because 1) he hasn't been around much, which ties into 2) he's been getting like this more and more for a while now. And, awfully, I think we all just chalked it up to "Yellow problems" and shoved our anxiety about it under the rug.
No. No. We will not gloss over a System member's health anymore, ever, for any reason. If there's an infected or sick Color, we heal it. If there's a person who's like that, or worse, then for God's sake we HELP them as much as we possibly can, as earnestly and absolutely as we possibly can.

That's what I miss about the old entries. Most of the Xangas, a lot of the Glissando entries. Everything that resonated within. Everything that attested to the reality of us, of our System, of our community… and I know I keep saying that but we've been falling back out of doubt or shame or loathing or fear.
No more of that. No more of that, ever. We can't afford to be divided against our own heart anymore. We cannot afford to fight our own existence anymore, just because someone else convinced us we should be doing so.

I'm going to take a break from the Internet totally for a while, I think.
We've been warming up to that lately. We've all but quit Tumblr (hackers started using it so we flat-out avoided it immediately after we caught them), and it's a huge relief, for many reasons. We honestly don't use any other website anymore, haha. So that's good.
But. I think the more time we spend offline now, the better. The Internet has been a sort of ailment for us, for a while. Yes it's been helpful, but more often than not, it's been a jail cell. It's been a chain on our ankles. It's thrown obligations and fears and performances onto our shoulders and NONE of it is necessary, and right now we're just throwing all these metal restraints off into the corner and walking away. It's freeing.
We have too much to do, to waste our time trying to impress/ entertain others and then wish "we could do more." It's easy. Stop wasting our time.



I'm really trying too hard here. I've got to stop typing "to an audience" because then it feels artificial and overly structured and forced.

All right, bullet list.

- Our "dark" sides are important, because they include our sharper parts that can STILL be used for Good IF we are wise and loving about it. There is NOTHING "inherently evil" about our rougher edges if they are handled with wisdom and care. By the same token, even something we view as "totally good" CAN be used for evil IF the usage of it is motivated by such. Be careful. Don't think too hard. Talking too much just confuses everyone.
- Josephina has the spotlight on him right now. So does Yellow in general. Help him, learn from him, this is big.
- Don't let them touch you. EVER. Laurie and Chaos WILL help you.
- Stay offline as much as possible. You know how toxic things can be.
- Don't go down any rabbit holes. Don't get lost in old tangles. If someone else in the System is, help them out. Help them heal.
- Stay aware of what you've learned. Don't let blind obligations or imitations or shit get to you and lead you astray. You know what we need to do, and what it is unwise to do, and what it is harmful to do. Don't listen to anyone who screams at you. BE WISE. Ask inside.
- Stop writing and reading bad entries. STOP.
- Write/print out ALL healing revelations and lessons and refer back to those when people feel confused or lost or doubtful. STAY AWARE. REMEMBER. STAY AWAKE.


stop trying so hard. you don't need to impress anyone. glitz and glamour will get you nowhere.

be sincere. be purely joyful and childlike if that is truly your shine. don't let anyone shame you for it. tune back into the truest parts of us and don't ever lose sight of those colors ever again.


simeon:
hi.
jay is in love again. :) that's really happy. i'm happy too.
I'm not upstairs but its nice when people care about esach other.
it makes me feel really nice.
okay bye<3


hey on that, sorry he jumped in. there's a feeling of embarrassment in here still when people come un unannounced to talk or type. it seems "fake" but then we can't delete it, that's rude, it's offensive actually.

but it's true. it's currently at a point where… everything upstairs is so real that even WHEN there are doubts, horrible doubts, they just dissipate on contact. it’s like… I can be in the same room as crushing doubt now, and see it as totally baseless. it has no merit now. THAT'S where we are. that's how genuine this is right now.
I literally cannot, cannot remember the last time things were this solid. it's amazing.
it's different in a way. the atmosphere is different. nicer, calmer, a little more blue-green. but different. things are becoming clearer, coming together better.
we are really, really learning a LOT as a System. not just the pentagape people.
simeon's right. it feels really nice.


okay headspace movie week is still on and this film has about 30 minutes to go yet so we're off. sorry about how disjointed this entry feels. I'll review it later but for now I just need this posted or it's going to just sit here.

dishonored 2 was just announced I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS that game has had a huge impact on us too, this is great, that was one heck of a boost of optimism to our night.

tomorrow is therapy. goal right now is= heal those who are yet unhealed.
she said that is definitely possible, always, even for those like ashen, who are covered in scars. we said then let's do that, let's start this process, let's heal it all.
we're being so open and honest in sessions, we've never been so absolutely uninhibited before, I have to thank cannon and hatchet for that really they're incredibly brave and brazen, we need that.
this is real progress. THIS is real progress. speaking up, and being honest, and not shoving things under the rug, and not trying to be something we're not, or can't be. THIS is progress.
forgiveness is progress too.
we're capable. we've done it. we just have to shake off the dust on our shoulders.
we are who we choose to be.