062515

[prismaticbleed]

thoughts as of this morning.


- family has a bad habit of saying "no" to me when i ask to do things i enjoy, esp. with helping, because they think they're "doing me a favor." so i get a lot of smiling good-intentioned denial or outright forbiddance (often behind my back) from doing things i would really like to do. "oh no honey, i'll do that!" or "i already did that so you dont have to!" after ive told them multiple, multiple times that it would mean a lot to me TO do that thing. they still shake their heads and insist "no, you're wrong, I'll do it to save you the trouble." so then i get realm damn confused over what i like or dont like, AND whether liking things at ALL is problematic, since they keep insisting it's trouble or something.
- this feeds into the "i don't deserve anything good" programming from childhood, which is linked to "if you have something good then yo're depriving a family member of the same," which is then tied into "self-care is selfish," which in turn feeds into a whole bloody laundry list of problems, unsurprisingly... notably the eating disorder ("i am only allowed to eat scraps or what other people have rejected")
- on that note that seems to affect two of my bro. lightning hides everything of himself from everyone-- his art, his accomplishments, his opinons, etc. are all buried and he gets angry and upset when people demand he share it. but he's also very softspoken and appears timid until that switch is flipped and he explodes. that makes a lot of sense to me, its pressurized maybe. but viral infamously had this thing for years where he wouldnt let himself smile or laugh, he would actually beat himself up for laughing at jokes, he was ashamed of it. he's over that now. i'm not.
- and thats what hit me again this morning. last night we wrote, "why do we save good things for last," and they often then get swept under the rug or forgotten? i think, subconsciously, that's the actual intent. because i woke up this morning and remembered that someone wrote about the javier thing, about that affection, and the immediate response from somewhere inside was "you fcking whore." and the hatred raged. there is still so much searing hatred directed towards anything like that, anything "close" or softer or personally notable like that. there is also unforgiving rage directed towards anything & everything that gets associated with a manic state, usually music and media. this is why we dont listen to music in cars anymore. songs that we love get tainted almost irreversibly the instant a manic fronter starts dancing or singing along to them, (like the fcking mother, that bitter angry voice spits). it's scary because it's hard to extricate them from that loathing afterwards. very hard. some songs are never the same again.
- but that, THAT, is truly the root problem, sabotaging everything. no one will ever heal as long as we believe that healing is, in and of itself, selfish and manipulative and proud and spiteful. as long as we believe healing is harmful, in that respect, then the self-abuse will perpetuate, in whatever form, because the self-abuse is being viewed as the lesser evil.
- this is probably also why no matter how many times laurie begs people not to give in to hacks, it doesnt seem to stick, because the self-hatred says "well i'm shit anyways so i deserve to be treated like it," and the hack-induced relationship paranoia says "well if you care about me and i reciprocate that, then i'm being a selfish whore, so i can't." it is ASININE but it is EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
- bottom line is, i dont want javier to suddenly have a mark on his head. i dont want him to be the new target of murderous intent because he dared to get involved in the poly-group thing, which many negs inside label as "the ultimate evil," due to being a relationship. context doesn't fcking matter. if there's closeness of any sort, it becomes "evil." which is shit, but there is such potent fear tied to seeing it otherwise... it lets the condemnation occur. there is crushing terror tied to saying it might not be evil, because that ties into the demonic ladder again, "if you say that's not evil, then you're ultimately saying that everything in the context of a relationship is not evil, therefore if someone rapes or molests you, it's your own fault." and then we think we "asked for it," or worse that we "SHOULD have asked for it," and its bullshit and i cannot BELIEVE how tied this is to SLC, what the hell, WHY is that collective experience so strongly tied to abuse, dam
- this is a mess i will have to make a coherent list of it later.
- we do need to have a xanga about this. force it if we have to, because there are a LOT of negs sabotaging the xanga efforts for the above reasons, also "it's stupid and fake" even when it obviously is not. but if we have a xanga then maybe we can try to work this out in real time. nasty people get triggered in those situations so that could teach us a lot too. they dont talk to anyone otherwise.


i think this is going to be our therapy topic today.
now if you dont mind i desperately need to lie down. i only got 3 hours of sleep and ive already had to drive at least 15 miles today. so its not safe to drive another 30 with therapy, with no sleep. we dont want to shut down on the road.

see you later this evening.


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@3:11 PM


HOLY SMOKES HUGE RELIGIOUS REVELATIONS TODAY.

we really have been led down the wrong path and I am so, so, so sorry

I really am sorry. we've been told this sort of thing before. but this is just more paper on the evidence pile, more solidity behind the proof.



jasmine is one of the WORST hackers for this purpose
thank god she appears to be gone.

jacinth was second place,

THIS IS WHY THEY KEEP TARGETING CEL/ CELEBI???
(worshipping nature and sex; "creation instead of creator")

remember the sex=short circuit thing. it's BLOWING YOUR FUSES OUT.
laurie SAW that, remember??? and chaos knows it too.
SO DO YOU, IT REALLY FCKING HURTS, REMEMBER???


"man cannot save himself," following christ versus being christ, ANTICHRIST