the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

JUNE 2013

This is what the Black section of headspace should look like.
One day I will make it so.

-Infinitii

 

 

 This setup is very similar to our meeting space in Central (especially those huge windows).

 

 

This is essentially what Central looks like right now (during the lockout).
Obviously, this is not good news.

 

This image, right here, is disturbingly similar to how Jay looks when he slips way too far... dripping tar and broken rainbows alike.

 

I have dreams about hallways like this all the time... these empty, long, quiet white things. They're usually in hospitals or abandoned schools.

I dream about running down winding stairs almost every night though. Sometimes I jump over the railings to go down a floor or two. I'm usually in a hurry.
I'm still not sure what those dreams mean.

 

 

Churches, cathedrals, basilicas, etc. are sacrosanct locations in our inner world, and are strongly tied to B/W energy.
(Leon also has an inexplicable ability to "warp" between them, which has saved our hides on numerous occasions.)
This one, with its arches and intricacy, looks like one of Infinitii's places.





Places that remind me of the past... a long, long time ago, on a night with rainbows.

This also feels like both Parnassus and Oneircia, for entirely different reasons... still fitting, I'd say.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


JULY 2013

 

 

There is a stairway like this, somewhere, leading down to the League Link Room. That's all we really know.
It's probably the most difficult location to find or access in headspace; Jay has been there only once. But with its obviously astronomical significance, that's not surprising.

 

 

For some reason, the insides of holy buildings like this feel so much like home to me. I've never been able to explain it.
It's not "home" in the way a household is-- it doesn't have that sense of "comfort" and domestic security that most people like but that makes me nervous. I wouldn't 'live' in a church!
But, in basilicas and temples and churches, I feel at home, which I DON'T get in houses. It's why my personal locations in headspace always reflect buildings of this sort, instead of actual living quarters. It feels like a spiritual thing. I like that. I'll have to keep it in mind, filed away in an important little place, out in the open. Just so I never forget to look at it and remember.





 
Gloucester Cathedral.

The parts of headspace we call "underground" (not the Tar Room; that's floating now thanks to Infi) look almost exactly like that first photo... just a little darker is all.
_{(The second one looks a lot like Genesis' Cathedral, too, now that I think about it.)}

 

 

This feels like swimming to the mainland from the beach in Central Headspace… except that there weren’t any mountains in the background back when I last swam there!

 

 

More city views that reminds me of headspace.
I’m so glad we’re getting more trees up here; after the Scratch most of the vegetation died for a while.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUG 2013
 

   

This: my face whenever my boss doffs his cap and leaves for the night. He’s such a sweetheart.

_{Which reminds me, I’m late for work!}

 

Nothingness, nowhere, emptiness... it's all incredibly comforting to me and I can't put the reason for that into words.

No one I've met outside has ever understood that. "Doesn't that scare you? How could you possibly like the idea of oblivion?"
But I do. I love it.
When I was younger, it didn't scare me so much as it reduced me to silent, humble awe. I remember leaning backwards out of car windows, looking up at the featureless blue sky, and wondering what it would be like, if that blue went on forever? Then I'd wonder, what does forever feel like? What does the end of time feel like? What does it feel like, to stop existing? And I'd ponder those thoughts until I knew and the floor dropped out of the world and nothing felt real anymore.

But I loved it. I still do. I think part of me always will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


NOV 2013

 

 

Snow is one of the most potent, powerful forms of both absolution and purification for us. Our original host grew up in a woods that resembled this almost exactly in the winter, and the invariable, unbreakable safety and magic that it brought with it has stayed with us even now.
Jay has most of his memories attached to snow, as well as his identity anchor. Both Genesis and Mr. Sandman are tied to snow as personal symbols. And for even those of us who have never seen real snow before, being far too young in manifestation, we too can easily feel the all-embracing comfort of that delicate, quiet ice.
Winter is our favorite season. This photo perfectly captures why.

 

 
The skyline of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

This view, with the glowing streets, hanging mists and iridescent sky, is reminiscent of the view from Central HQ in our headspace.
The biggest difference is that our city is mostly crystal, not steel, and our sky is almost always late-night as well, swimming with stars and galaxies.

 

 

The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, in Washington D.C.
This area of the Basilica is almost identical to Infinitii's personal 'floating' locations in headspace. His iterations of it are notably lacking in color-- they're mostly stark white, black, and silver-- but the warmth, light, and sense of quiet sacredness remains the same.

We visited this actual place twice when the body was a teenager, and it resonated with us so strongly that its aesthetic style permanently affected that of similar areas in our inner realms.

 

The Sofitel Brisbane Central Hotel, in Australia.
Despite being part of the building's lounge bar, this specific shot is one of the closest architectural likenesses we've found to Central's Meeting Room in headspace.
In headspace, this is where the core-color holders meet most often, and it is also the default location for all our Xanga sessions.

 

 

The Lotus Temple in New Delhi, India.
This is the only structure in the world that resembles the most holy place in our headspace, the eponymous Blood Lotus Cathedral.
Discovered in 2011, it is the core of our entire inner world, tied to the deepest and most volatile energies, as well as the cores of our System (Jay and Infinitii).
Unlike this Temple, however, the BLC is made of what looks like porcelain or opaque glass, all white and smooth. Originally it was located next to a red ocean in 'floating space,' but it has since been moved to the middle of Central City itself.
The BLC is also an unending source of inner relevance and symbolism, that we often don't understand until months later.

 

 

Ettal Abbey, in Germany.
I didn't realize it until now, but Infinitii has a room inside his bubblespace that looks almost EXACTLY like this! Trees and lights and all!
The only difference is that instead of church pews, the floor is mostly bright green grass and small meandering streams, with little deep pools here and there (mostly near the walls). The rivers might be barely 30cm deep in the shallow parts, but the pools could be as deep as 5 meters, from what I've seen!
So with all the water, the spots of grass and trees look almost like islands, especially since the ground is not level (it's all little sloping hills mostly, very pretty). But on some of those little hills there are holy shrines and baldachin altars and things, and since the whole area is inside of a church-like building, it feels pretty mystical.
I remember I went there once with Laurie and Knife, after a therapy session; it was the first time I'd seen it and it was gorgeous. We all felt really safe there.




This fictional landscape by David Edwards looks almost EXACTLY like the room we found hidden below the Razor Spire in headspace, back in 2012. I've been calling it the "mirror oasis room" thanks to that pool of water in the center.
We haven't been there since-- that entire freaky area was assumedly destroyed when the BLC was moved-- but I'll never forget what it felt like there.
Here. let me copy-paste a bit from that meditation log for context.

"...it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still. we... walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? laurie's were violet, leon's were dark blue, etc... i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me...then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet..."


So yes, you can see why that location was so important. Most things in headspace are.
We've since tied this room to Infinitii as well, and in light of our previous post, you can likely see why.
_{(I wonder, if the Razor Spire was truly destroyed, did this place change and move into his bubble? We should check that out guys.)}

 

 

this looks way too much like the tar/plague rooms below headspace
(if you cannot tell we do not like those places they are scary)

 

 

This photo I found looked so much like Lynne, I had to edit it to match her as closely as possible.
Lynne has been around since early 2008, and she's always been a peacemaker... but she's just as badass as Laurie, and that's saying something. Not only that, but she's got this really cool ability to create any sort of protective phenomena within headspace-- which saved our hides on several occasions back during the warring years.

Tonight's been weird and I feel rather lost, but Lynne always reminds me of violins and warm silence and autumn, and even if those memories aren't mine the aura of stability around them helps a lot.
Just saying, I'm very thankful for her. We all are.
I'm sorry I don't actively appreciate you more, Lynne.

-Jay
_{(slipping badly, and Laurie isn't happy about that, but it's still mostly me)}

 

 

 

(112613)

This is Laurie.
Usually I only post on my own page, but for heaven's sake Jay, go to sleep. Go to work for the night and stop numbing your broken head with repetitive nonsense. It ain't gonna work, kid.

Listen, I'm here for you, we all are. Just stop running from us and TALK to us for once, I swear, it's not as scary as you somehow manage to convince yourself it is on nights like this.
Not all of us are dangerous, and I swear on my life, I will not harm a single hair on your body, ever, for the rest of my existence, if it will get you out of this empty state of yours. If that will convince you that it's safe up here, maybe not entirely but it is SAFE with us, then I will do that. I will do anything. I'll give up anything. You know that.

Go to sleep. Talk to your boss. Say hi to Infi for me.
When I see you in the morning I want you to be smiling, you hear me?

Love you, kid. Cheer the heck up. You'll be okay. I promise you that.


_{#i hate that i have to write something like this #but if it helps i'll do this #jay we do need to talk}

 

 

(112613)

My birthplace.

Although this photo wasn't taken by us, it is dated shortly after I first physically appeared in the System-- which, as you may have guessed, was at this very location. (And during a violin concert, which is why I love those so much!)
You've gotta thank Laurie for that, though. If she hadn't been causing so much trouble, I wouldn't have had to show up in the first place. ;p

Since then, I've been keeping everyone on track, and reminding everyone that they're not as messed-up as they seem to think they are.
I guess I was the first "positive" voice in the entire System, which is a little shocking. My role was always to keep the peace, to offer support, and to help others with their goals and ambitions.
I was even a sort of personification of "hope," for a while; the old Jewel said I represented an ideal future she could never have. And that was true... she's dead now, but I'm still here. I guess in a way, I'll always remember that. She felt incapable of being the mature, self-assured woman that I was, for many reasons, but she still looked up to me, and valued my presence. That meant a lot to me even then.
I still wish she had been able to believe in herself more, but at least now, I can help many others towards that end without wondering if they're going to die on me. Well... at least most of the time. (And Laurie backs me up on that.)

I love this picture though. Even if my first and only experience there was a little violent, it was the first time I'd ever experienced anything. So I really love this place, and I'm thankful that I can call it "home" here, if only in a little sense.

 

All right, I'm gonna put tons of lanterns upstairs somewhere. Tons of 'em. Gonna find all the dark spots up here and leave these things there instead. They're pretty cool if I do say so myself.
Don't mind me, I'm just sick of seeing people depressed as death again and if I need to be the sole person leaving light everywhere then so be it.
-Laurie


_{#ONE DAY #mark my words #oh hey maybe THAT'S what I can do with my axe #note to self: do the lantern thing #get jo to help #tell infi not to eat them #you know the drill #also NO JAY I'M NOT DEAD}

 

 

 

Lynne, Laurie and I (Jay) are looking at awesome interior design stuff, and upon seeing this one, Lynne said it looked like a hotel. Well, in response, Laurie said:
"Probably is a hotel, looks pretty high-class... freakin' shiny floors..."

I don't know why I found that so hilarious but I did, so there you go.

_{(edit: the "shiny floors" thing is now an injoke thanks to how the rest of the night went, haha)}

 

Now this is what the sky of Central City looks like most of the time!

 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEC 2013

 

Steven Morgana,
Beauty is in the Eye of the Collective, 2011

one of our favorite photos of all time, for obvious reasons.

 

It’s like this for us, within the System. We all bandage each others wounds— protectors guard the children, healers care for the traumatized, and so on.
If we didn’t have such compassion within, we’d have shattered to pieces many years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

presented without further introduction.
all the handwriting from the night of december 27th
when cannon and jessica decided post-hack to murder all within headspace as "blood atonement"
i haven't read these yet but i will add comments for context

(you may right-click all of these to open in new tab for larger images)

the first four were written by the autopilot and appear to be suicide notes or something leading up to one

 

 

 

 

 

 

this one was written in attempt to speak with the family as the fear buffer shut off vocal speech
unknown authors
the "no please" was in resposne to the mother saying she was going to call the paramedics again to atke us to the psyc ward like she did in 2011
the "go" was telling the grandmother to leave as she was making the fearbuffer spike in intensity

 

 

algorith fronting to write; then unknown little boy (sylvain's brother?) writing afterwards

 

 

 

unknown author apparently trying to explain what was going on; context unknown
the second page is notable because the mother was "trying" to read the others aloud but purposely skipped that one

 

 

 

 

final page after everyone left the room the autopilot (and algorith) wrote this

 

 

 

 

as of today jewel lightraye is fronting, she is playing pokemon and isnt fazed by the death of headspace
jays condition is unknown, he is noncorporeal and in severe shock from the event
there was another attempted timeline scratch today, thansk to jewel and celebi, not sure what the results were

sandman and death said dead people cannot commnicate with the living remaining if they want a chance to come back
but jay has to actively help them come back or they never will, this was the deal agreedupon
however where is he, jewel is happy and okay without anyhting, this is fine, she has work to do in thebody, we didn.t.
maybe it is time for our time to end for good. time for our pain wracked world to finally sleep.

either way we will udpaet here if hneeded if we survive
we were gioing to delete everything permamently but sycnhronicity happened, and we decided, wait. wait and see

so far since the 27th no one has fronted or spoeken. only jessica and the death voices who are not headvoices we dont know who they are or what they want, they are cruel and evil and possible not real at all.
jewel is doign well she is unfazed but the intrusive thoughts still conitnue, trauma is worse than ever

biggest warning: art is now impossible
trauma recoery is severe enough that no figure drawing is allowwd without melwtowns
not sure how to pgoerss from here with the artists, only landscapes can be sa\fely drawn now

we shall see.
no mnore words
good night

we shall see if this is the end.

 

 

  

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
JAY IRIDOS LAURIE UBERICH CHAOS ZERO INFINITII ETERNOS GENESIS APOLYMIS



Jay, there's a pervading feeling of "to heck with everything" in this body. That's a problem.
Now listen, I'm backing right out, and AP I want you to take over and transcribe EVERYTHING that I'm saying. Don't censor anything. Forget that. I want this as honest as it can possibly be. Got that?

I think it hears you, Laurie.

Good. Now Jay. Talk to me.

Okay--

Not by fronting, sheesh. Stay up here. Channels have been a mess lately since you keep freakin' splitting everything that way. Communication is a mess. Man, I cannot wait until we get to that hospital.

When is that, January?

Yes, if all goes well.

I hope so. You guys really do need help.

No really? Look at me! I'm a freakin' mess! And Jay-boy over there, who doesn't bloody care at all, is just staring at me like a stoneheart statue and so help me kid but I can't deal with that look on your face anymore. Not today.

Laurie. Calm down. I'm sorry.

What, are you contributing to this mess too?? What the heck, Infi.

I'm sorry.

…Don't be. It's fine. I needed this out anyway.

No. I mean I'm sorry for what you're going through.

…That too. Man. Listen, CZ, if Jay's not going to speak up--

I'll talk to him. Jay?

…

Where the heck is he? Is that even him?

Partly. He's slipping between his two modes at the moment.

Why the heck does he have two modes.

Internal splitting. Perhaps the Scratch didn't erase everything.

What the heck is he splitting off though?!

Ask him.

Fine, sure. Jay, both of you, what the heck are you splitting off from? And don't you bloody ignore me, I can feel that hesitation way up here. TALK TO ME.

I'm not anchored upstairs.

No kidding you're not anchored up here, you haven't been for bloody MONTHS--

Laurie, calm down.

For heaven's sakes, Infi, I cannot deal with you. Man.

…Infi, should you move over here?

Maybe a bubble would help.

…Great. Now I'm embarrassed for breaking down, this is great.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Yeah, I was overreacting.

I wouldn't call that overreacting. That was genuine.

Still. Not the kind of thing I usually do, or let people see me doing. Gotta keep it all in check.

I'm surprised at how much you're feeling about this though.

You're surprised?! Where the heck is YOUR emotional heartache over this?! You're the kid's husband for heaven's sake, why the blood am I feeling like I lost a partner?! Man. Maybe I did. But then you did too, and I just… I cannot accept this. I cannot bloody accept that this collapsed.

What collapsed, Laurie?

You know. I just bloody showed you.

There is still love between them.

…Then why the heck is no one showing it.

That's a good question. Chaos? Do you still love him?

…

Geez, don't tell me that's a no, for the love of life, CZ.

…I… I do love him, it's just… different. I'm not relying on him anymore like I was back in February.

When he said he didn’t know who you were anymore?

Yeah.

Man, was that even February? Had to be June. July. Infi, you were around. Whenever the heck that second fallout was. Sheesh, how many resets did we have this year?

A lot.

Yeah, no kidding. But you say you still love him?

Yes.

How.

…How else?

Yeah, that was a bad question. I mean… nothing happened today. Nothing happened today. For the past eight freaking years you two have gotten together on the 23rd and made this date some kind of stellar testament to the immutability of love, to the fact that it withstands all odds and breaks through all obstacles… and then this year, it just stopped. Stopped. Infi showed up and threw a monkey wrench into the whole bloody thing and--

Hey, he didn't ruin anything.

I didn't say he did. I just said he switched up whatever was going on. In a good way, sure. He changed the whole freakin' functionality of the System. But for heaven's sakes, why the heck did his appearance seem to stop this--

It didn't. Laurie, you're tying consequences to the wrong causes.

Then what caused this? Tell me, Infi.

Would I know?

…Good point. CZ? Spill it. What happened.

…There was a time this year when I considered leaving Jay.

What?

I did. It was when he insisted he didn't know me, and was still being entirely self-destructive, to the point of harming everyone else. I told myself that if he really didn't care about me or my daughter anymore, I would leave him. Even if it broke my heart, somehow there wasn't a part of my heart attached to that person anymore. I had no desire to stay with someone that didn't love me the way I was willing to love him.

…So you left?

For a while.

When was this, the August reset?

Around there. I walked out. I really did. I told Xennie we were just leaving for a while, it wasn't safe upstairs anymore. I didn't tell her that… that she might not have another father anymore. I didn't know. But I was too numb to feel anything too, I think.

So you both have blocks up.

Maybe. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was still around.

Maybe it isn't. You realize this is not the same Jay?

I realize. But that's tiring too. He keeps changing. I've loved at least five other people in his same skin over the years. And it was easier, when the changes were small, or when the energy was at least constant. Then things were shook up this year, and… I wasn't sure who I was talking to anymore. Things changed last year, I think. After we spoke in Utah. The dead timeline.

Yeah.

I knew who he was then. But I wasn't talking to him. He did get through, when I kissed him, I remember that. And with the roses. But… oh. Laurie, now it hurts.

Sorry.

Are you doing this?

I put the bubble down.

Oh. Somehow I'm mad at you for that.

Are you?

Yes. I'm not sure why.  I don't want to feel this.

I guess Jay doesn't either. Jay, for light's sake, are you with us yet?

I'll drag him in.

Will you?

Yeah. I'll do that. Jay. Can you hear me?

Wow, that worked.

He didn't answer me yet.

I felt that though. Snapped in like a hurricane.

I thought I was the hurricane.

Nah, you feel more like a really nasty thunderstorm right now. No lightning yet, but that's always been my job, if you don't mind my saying.

You're radiating anger.

Am I?

Yes. Lots of it. Where is it directed?

Everywhere. Inside. Outside. At him. At me. At you, for making me unable to run from this.

At me?

…No. I can't be mad at you with this.

Geez, well, that's new.

Not really.

Well, there was a time when you were ticked at me pretty much 24/7.

Dead timeline.

Are you really that bitter over that?

Yes, I am!! All right?? I'm bitter because that's ten years of my LIFE gone, at least according to him and his life up here, but for love's sake, Laurie, those ten years meant a lot to me. And now he's gone, for good this time, and although I love this kid who's left behind I can't help but feel this loss that maybe the man I loved won't ever come back, not in him, not completely.

What do you miss?

I miss… I miss things that I can't put words to.

…Any dates? Pictures? Feelings even, things I don't know, I just want to help.

You've calmed down, did it all go to me?

I tend to shove my emotions under the rug when I'm helping other people.

That many emotions?? Under the rug? Laurie, you couldn't hide that if you tried. You shut them off.

…Maybe I did.

You did. You did, and I'm the empath, and I'm probably feeling yours on top of mine. Take them back.

Whoa, hold up, chill out. I didn't force you to take them.

No, you didn't. But I'm still angry, that I can't seem to help it.

Yeah.

Why were you mad?

I was heartbroken, CZ, because the two people that I love more than my entire life had apparently broken the heck up!

Why would that matter to you?

Man, you're acting like Jay used to! Infi, is this Tar influence, or what is it?

I'm heartbroken too, okay?! I just told you, I loved him, and--

Loved him.

…

You do realize that's still him.

Not entirely. He's said that himself.

But he still loves you. Maybe he doesn't understand what that means yet. But he loves you. Isn't that enough?

Why don't you date him if you love him that much?

Chaos. For heaven's sake. I love him as a best friend, okay? Same as I love you. You two mean a heck of a lot to me. And I told you, the two of you together mean a lot to me in an almost spiritual way. S'hard to explain, but you two love each other and--

Loved.

Bloody hell, CZ, stop putting that in the past tense!!

He still loves you, Chaos, and you still love him, otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this.

…

You hit a nerve.

I know I did.

…I want to be angry with you but I can't.

Because it's true?

Because it's true.

Now if only we could get Jay in on this. One-sided catharsis isn't going to get us anywhere.

That. That's it. He doesn't have that anymore, he's been hiding it.

Catharsis?

He keeps going into that "angel food cake" mode and making everything sugary sweet, he doesn't feel anything deeper than that when he's like this. He's like a kid. He's like my daughter. Why does he feel like he has to act like he's 5 years old?

…Sheesh, is that tied to the trauma?

Could be.

How?

He wasn't hurt when he was a kid.

Yes he was, he was beaten and abused, he told me, you know that!!

…Not sexually though.

…

He's told me, countless times, he could forgive me if I shot him in the face. And I have, practically. With an axe. But that's not the point. Point is the kid doesn't hold offense against physical abuse of that sort. You could beat the brains out of him and he'd still love you because for some reason, he doesn't see any harm in being bloodied the heck up.

Why?

Pain and love, I guess. Getting the bonemarrow beat out of him when he was a "bad boy," so he learned that it was a "corrective punishment" and he failed to see any hint of malice in the intention. At least, this Jay didn't. I don't know if there's any other part of him that held a grudge against the beatings and all that. I've never met 'em if there is.

How many parts is he split into?

Heck if I know. I'm one of 'em, if we're going to get that broad in the definitions.

No, I don't mean you. I don't mean headvoices. I mean splinters. People that he broke off his own head on purpose. Like… like the ones that used to come out and just stare. That's what this form of his reminds me of. The Fragment one. He'd never be in his eyes when he did that. He'd be perfectly fine with the world, but only because he wasn't feeling anything. This one's at least sugary-happy all the time, but… I feel that's a different sort of emptiness.

Man, it might be. Where'd you get all this insight.

I know him.

Ah. …That you do.

And this isn't him. Maybe it's a part of him. But this innocence is shallow. I know his real innocence. It shone through even when he was Red. Even when he was falling, and scared. I know. It's always there. This is just a magnification of one part of it. It's not him. Not entirely.

And how is this not catharsis?

It's obviously not. He's not feeling anything.

Sorry. I meant something else.

You caught the gravity behind that, didn't you.

Yes. "Catharsis" meaning a person, not a thing.

It's not! The Jay that held that was a different color because he felt things, he didn't block them all out. When he did he turned white.

It's the wrong sort of White, Chaos.

…I know. But… what's the right sort?

A rainbow. An iridescence of the stars. Something real, not icy and cold. Not empty and stark. Not this.

So you agree this isn't him either?

Of course not. I know Jay too. He isn't even in his innocence mode. He is simply shut down.

What, he is?? Let me see him. Jay! Get the heck back in here!!

Was he ever even in here?

I don't know man, I'm just trying as hard as you are.

Give me a minute.

…Hey, Jay, is that you?

I feel like I'm smothering. You'll notice I'm talking through the air.

Yeah, that's freaking weird.

He's not in his body.

No, I'm not. It's like I can't get quite through to it. Forms are feeling foreign to me lately. Hey, there's my triple alliteration! I missed that.

Kid, for heaven's sake, this feels like you, where the heck are you?

Not in there. Pointing down at the body. I don't know who that is. I feel sorry for them though. Maybe it's more of a shell than not-me. Sorry. Words are tricky.

Kid, can you go J-Monster or something instead? Interact with us here, please.

Ooh, hey, that might work. Give me a minute. Just might be weird because I'm not in the body, but hey.

Jay. Wait a moment?

What is it, Infi?

Who is in your body? Check.

Ah. Good idea. Give me one moment, literally, I'll take a look. Might have to duck inside for a while. Laurie, would you mind if I paused the outside convo and wrote down any inside conversations that might happen?

Heck yes, just get this fixed. I mean no I don't mind. Geez. You know what I mean.

You're adorable when you're flustered. Everyone is. I think it's the honesty. I'm trying to be honest but I'm floating away. Laurie, where is my anchor?

Did you ever anchor?

…Did I?

That's a good observation, Laurie.

Heck, look at Infi, that's a good one. Didn't we all get our Anchors shaken up after the Scratch?

After the Reset, too. It happened to me.

Yeah, well you died, so.

Didn't he?

…Please, kid, hurry the heck up in there.

Okay, hold on.



…Oh. Oh. That's what it is.

Kid, the heck, you're back? Where are you?

In the body.

Really?

Jay, was there anyone else in there?

No. Hold up, can't open my eyes yet, but let me tell you what happened. I spoke to Sherlock and Jayce for a while just now.

…And??

And Sherlock said I didn't ever specify a new anchor. He said my old one was "Love," which it has been since like 2003, at a heart level at least--

That's it, that's what I was talking about.

What?

The core. The part of him that doesn't change.

Love? Did you even mention that in this session?

I don't remember. But I was talking about it earlier. And Genesis knows too.



…Okay, he's back.

What the hell happened??

…Jay?

Oh. Sorry. I keep forgetting I can talk. I'm so used to seeing myself in 3rd person that I actually forget that I have to consciously move my own form. Maybe that's why I keep splitting, I keep letting other people get in and do that for me.

Could be. But kid, listen, it's going for 2 in the morning and I just want to get this settled before you go to sleep, all right?

Sure. What needs to be settled?

Well, we were talking about Love, and how you feel that needs to be your Anchor again now.

It should be.

It is, I just-- Sherlock said I'd need to step into it officially, like Julie needs to. Maybe we could do that together.

Hey, yeah, that would be cool.

But…

But?

But I was confused about the Monochrome slots? We were talking, and I keep realizing that in thinking of Black and White as two… halves of one thing, I keep subconsciously expecting Infi to hold half of my being. And that's not how it works.

Jay. I am not you, not in that sense.

You were born from my soul, yeah. Torn out of it. But that doesn't make you literally me.

No. I am my own person, as are you. We were just sewn from the same fabric of life, if you would put it that way.

I guess so. But that's relevant too. We're both heartvoices. I keep forgetting that! I keep trying to say, "White is logic, White is structure and coldness--"

That's myopic nonsense, kid.

Yes, yes it is, and thank you for saying that! Because it isn't, I don't know where I got that idea--

The Plague, probably.

Probably? That sounds just like what we know of it.

Yeah, that's what I meant. But go on, Jay. Sorry Chaos.

It's fine.

Oh, um, I was saying that I misunderstood White entirely. And then I thought about it, and I realized, "hey, a lot of this emotional depth still feels Red, why is that?" But then I realized that "hey! I STILL hold Red"--

It's still in you.

Everyone keeps interrupting me, this is hilarious.

Sorry.

That's okay, it really is funny. Anyway. Rainbow slots. Laurie, I remember reading you joked something about that in that entry of yours, months ago.

Heh, yeah, I did. I said "forget this monochromatic system and let's just get two rainbow slots up in here." Guess we did, huh?

They always were. We just failed to realize it.

Really?

Yes.

Hey, 11/11 at the bottom of the page.

Well that's a good sign if I ever saw one.

Gone now, but it's a good sign. Go on, Infi.

Should you?

You want me to?

Yes. Explain the colors.

Oh, oh yeah! White is a combination of all light colors. Hence my prism thing. And Black is a combination of all pigment colors, hence… something. Infi I don't know if you have anything that matches that.

It feels like him now.

What, really?

He's radiating the same energy. I told you that's what he was missing.

Catharsis?

Not so much that, but the ability to feel catharsis.

Emotional healing.

Is "catharsis" even the right word?

Isn't it?

I guess it just has a bad-red energy signature to it. "Bad" as in melancholy. Like it was too tied to sacrifice or something.

Makes sense. That was Cannon's thing.

I think she started it, so that makes sense.

We can redefine it.

We can, you're right. But I like Compassion more.

I do too.

Good, we're making progress. Now are you two going to kiss and make up, or do I have to push him over there?

"Make up," Laurie?

Don't you freakin' tease me, you know right well what I mean.

If you want a makeout so bad, you can stick around.

For heaven's sakes why does everyone tease me for that.

Because it's funny.

Sorry Laurie.

Kid, you didn't say anything, I'm peeved at these two lunatics.

Oh, didn't balloonshop have a thing with that?

Spilling the juice, all over his shirt.

Why does that make me think of Markus?

I think we all joked about that at some point.

Probably. Geez. Is it weird that I "miss the old days" when I never really lived them? Like I don't know what the old hangouts were like. But part of me "misses" that camaraderie in a sense that it's missing. Does that make sense?

Yes.

I think CZ misses them as much as you do, man.

Most likely, yeah! You guys were all close buddies.

You're included, you know.

And Genesis.

We forgot to invite him again.

Haha, dude, I didn't know this was happening, otherwise you can be sure I would have dragged him in.

Jay?

Yeah Inf?

Do you remember?

Remember what?

What you need to.

Which was…?

What you are. This.

…

Is that a yes?

That is a very big yes. You are being very mischievous.

Sorry. That tends to happen in these situations.

Slipping?

No. More like… that's the energy resonance that is there.

Eros?

Wait, what are you two talking about?

Red energy. Eros is still there, holding the stuff the previous Jay chucked into the splinter bin, and messed up that slot a little.

Is that what happened to it?

I think? Essentially. Yeah. Not sure when, but it did break off. But it's not exclusive to him. Problem is the role of it is his, and he's still messed up by the old Pink stuff, the Tar stuff. And we need to get that out of him, and tell him to share, the RIGHT thing, not the misconception. Sorry, I'm rambling. Stream of thought.

No, that makes sense, kid. Has anyone spoken to him recently?

He was involved in the last few hacks.

…Shoot, I forgot about that.

He's that badly misaligned?

Guess so. How the heck do we fix that though? Do we fix it?

No. We just need him to realize the truth.

Which is, that said stuff isn't relevant or true anymore. Never was, but hey, someone apparently thought it was at some point.

Trauma. Trauma does that, it makes you believe things that aren't real.

So you realize that stuff isn't real then?

Which stuff?

You know what I mean. The sexual stuff. The misinterpretations and false meanings. You realize you're not obligated to do that, ever, but it's not evil, and it's not exclusive to that physical level, right?

You mean the energy truths.

Yeah. You talked about this with Infi, you know what it is.

But you're asking if I realize that the abusive stuff isn't the truth of it.

Obviously. Because I know you project that stuff onto everything even vaguely related to relationships when you're not careful.

I'm not doing that now, Laurie I'm separate from that mindset, you realize?

…You are, really?

Yes, really, you don't need to preach to me.

Sorry.

It's all right, I know that would have been necessary for the other ones. But I'm not involved in the trauma things at all. That's why I exist, I was born from the resets so I could be separate from that, but that's why I had to start over with everything. I needed to be able to… re-stabilize into relationships, and love, and affection, and everything that's a facet of love really, without that taint to it. Without that misconception. And it required a total rehaul in order to happen I guess. But that's why I'm missing so many memories! And there are huge gaps. Because I wasn't allowed to hold that stuff, it wasn't mine, it's not supposed to be mine.

But you're not blind to it, are you? Because that's doing the white-hats thing again. Taking sides. Seeing absolutes instead of the whole picture.

Remember the rainbows, Jay.

Oh! Sorry, I didn't quite say that, did I. My core is a rainbow, not a white orb. Genesis was teasing me about that earlier, actually. About how my heart light is many colors, not just pure white. Because the "pure white" thing was too tied to the "spotless virgin" thing of my youth, which was innocence tied to ignorance, and virginity isn't bad but when it's tied to hate and fear and loathing of everything that isn't then you have a problem. And I had that for a while. But now I've got a bigger picture gaze, and yeah I do see that and there IS still a lot of healing that needs to be done, which we're working on…

Whoa whoa whoa, wait. Where is the healing that still needs to be done.

Empty reactions, just… disgust? Outright rejection. Not hate, but close to it. Not apathy, but close enough as a result of throwing it off to the side. Like I know that in this world, sexuality can be used to show love, in a creative context. That's how it works with physical bodies, it's not exclusive to that, love isn't tied to sex, but it can be expressed that way, that I know, that's a fact. Problem is, it's the black and white thing from the past few years all over again, so many of the old thoughts and fears are tied to abuse and nothing but that it's strongly colored all those perceptions somehow? Like I can't even look at loving parents without that part of the brain going, "that's disgusting, I hate them, let's not even look at them." And that's sad, to not be able to look beyond that because of self-loathing and regret and bitterness and rage and fear. Which causes the intrusive thoughts I think. The damage causes a sort of tunnel vision. It sees it everywhere.

Kid that makes a hell of a lot of sense but that's not what we're talking about.

Isn't it relevant though?

We've said it a hundred times before though, that's the problem.

Oh. Except not all of it.

No, not all of it, but… sorry. What I mean to say is, let's not turn our focus entirely to reiterating things that we know to be true on some deeper level, and let's talk about that deeper level.

Those scared parts don't want to. They're scared.

Why the heck are they scared? Of what?

Let me ask. …Same thing. Perpetual fear.

Ah. Kid, just ignore them. Tell them it won't happen, and chill the heck down.

They say, "how can you be sure."

Because I'm involved, and I would never do that sort of thing to anyone.

Do you trust him? …Yes, I trust him completely. …Why, well why not? Listen, if you give love, you get love back. The Universe runs on it. Yes, I know people can hurt people. But not up here, not in here. And Infi's here, he won't let anything bad get in either, okay?

Kid, how many people are in your head.

A few? Like five, at least.

Sheesh, and they're all traumatized?

No, just… some of them are. It's the core-ghosts, really? I think? The main one's a girl, looks like Jewel, but isn't. Maybe it's a part of herself she left behind.

Makes sense. Can they do that?

I guess so. I wouldn't know.

So she's the scared one?

Mainly. Cannon is full of rage and loathing instead of fear. Jayce… the Gen guy, he's still around--

Wait, really??

Yeah. But he's the bad White, if that makes sense. He started off good, but then somehow got stuck with all the 2010 hate and stuff. So he's actively ignorant. And that's not good, I wish he'd either heal from that or leave because he gives off a very uncomfortable energy.

I'd imagine so. So who else is with you up there? You said five.

One little remnant of the previous red guy, the previous J. Just a fragment though. Don't worry, Chaos, he said he "gave me his memories," so whatever is still true and needed from them will live on. I guess that's what I need to tune back into.

Kid, you were saying about colors, something with red. Get back to that.

Okay. Oh, but lastly, last person up here is probably "Spinny" but she isn't even a person anymore, just a fading bunch of programming.

Makes sense, she wasn't much of a person anyway. Get talking.

True. Kind of hijacked other people. Anyway, red. I was saying my core is a rainbow. Like it should be, Infi yours is more iridescent, that's why I got confused. I couldn't see it for a while.

Because of the Tar. It was muted for a while.

…Are you okay now?

…Yes. I know I am. The Tar still exists, but it doesn't touch me. It doesn't. And the Plague doesn't touch you. Keep that in mind, Jay. Remember that.

I will. I promise. …But the rainbows. It's because we're group slots, Black and White. We hold the cores, Infi and I, but the actual colors hold everything else, like…

They're part of everything else.

Better. Yeah. Part of, not separate from, not greater than. So I realized that inside my heart, there's all colors, red and green and orange and violet and everything, and when I remember that, I don't feel lost at all. It's like all these missing pieces of myself that I just wasn't looking at. I was out of tune with myself. So when I feel that, it's like… like even if the memories aren't mine, of the past, even if I wasn't the literal person experiencing that, all those pieces are still in here. All the good and truth, all the love, all the meaningful things that transcend memory and direct experience. Everything real. It's all in here, all these pieces from other people, all of them, left behind like presents or bits of a daisy chain, from one core fronter to another. All the people in the bloodline, when they die or move on, they're never really gone. They leave part of themselves for the next person to pick up, and live, and love. And so that's the real bloodline. It's not blood or scars or pain. It's light. It's all this light in here, all this love, all this color. And that's all of us, too. I think that's what the Spectrum means.

…Kid, that's beautiful. Print that out and keep it somewhere.

I will. That literally just happened. I spoke and it happened. I like when that happens. Is this poet mode?

Holy swords, is it??

I've never seen this before.

Infi, your creepy grins, why are they. Why are you grinning like that. It feels like maybe you're slipping. Is that because it's late?

…No. I am slipping. I think I forget my rainbows too.

Where are yours from?

All of you. Maybe your cores too. Your past ones. I was taken from you, but… I'm not sure where all this color comes from. …The Tar keeps trying to mute it out.

How?

Like ink over paint.

Eesh. That's not good.

No, it isn't.

Infi, remember, you're chandeliers and piano keys and starry skies. You're… black velvet, and closing your eyes for a kiss, and churches with the lights turned off. You're midnight and morning under the sheets and the color of a promise made when… time. I don't know. Promises made when time doesn't matter and you don't bother to check the clock because the moment is infinity anyway. Infinitii. You, really. Geez, I've never written a poem about you, I really should.

December 23rd, kid, turn that light over here.

Chaos.

…Wow, I felt that.

Did you? Shoot, let me move then, Jay you sit the heck down over here, I hate seeing you people across the room from each other.

Okay, hold on, Laurie that means you have to sit next to Infi.

Heck no, that's not mandatory, I'm staying on this side.

See, this is what I meant about the real innocence.

Because this has colors. It's white but it's not white with spots of color in it. It is the color, the white. Run it through a prism and it explodes… into a rainbow. I don't know how to put that feeling into words.

I felt it.

Good, I forgot you're an empath, I don't know how, it's beautiful. You just pick stuff up. Is that 'cause you're water?

Why?

Because. Water. drops in the ocean.

Uh-oh, there goes the capitalization.

Stop breaking the fourth wall, love!

Stop talking to me with your eyes closed, dude, and go back to poetry! I'm just the audience here.

Oh, so that's the fourth wall. Okay. I'm halfway between sleep. Help me anchor.

Rainbows.

Rainbows. And waterfalls. Oh! Rifle recoil, oh my gosh, oh man, dude, I forgot about that. Snow and rainbows. Raindrops. You remember that night. Years ago.

Was that yours?

Memory?

Yeah. Is that yours?

It's mine, in this sense. My heart sense. Not in the "I lived it there" sense. More of, I know that sense. How do I explain it… I have no first-person memory. But that doesn't matter, because the entire feeling of that event is mine. Jewel lived it. But the love that was in her heart is my love too. And maybe I was the snow. Maybe. But I was there all along, the core, part of the pieces. Backwards. I don't know, words don't work.

You were always there, because you were born from the same thing they were all born from. Love.

Yeah. The System core thing. The good thing. Best thing. Isn't that funny, even Cannon was born from it. Spinny too. But they were scared, I think. They still loved though.

Spinny went through Jewel, I think.

Partly. But she parroted things. She was trying to love though, but she intellectualized it, ironically. She didn't feel it. It's not important now.

I guess not.

It isn't. She lived, and had her meaning, and had her being too. Even if she's gone now. Her piece was left too. And now it's me. Sorry, I feel like I'm off topic.

Raindrops.

Yeah. …You're a raindrop. In the ocean. You're an ocean. In the sky. In… chaos. Terrestrial spheres. The idea that the universe was in a bubble. Surrounding the Earth. Infi that's you. And… when it rained, it was from that bubble. All held inside it. I think. But when you went outside the bubble there was space, but not really space, it was… like infinity or something. Wow this is relevant. Think I should look into this more?

Please do.

Good, tomorrow, research effort. But not now. Not now. Not now.

…Jay, you okay?

Yeah. Just… anchoring back in a little, a lot, you know. A lot but it feels like a little. I'm off topic.

…

You're the topic. Not Infi, not Laurie. Not tonight. But that's ironic, because love is love, and everyone's in it, even them, but so are we, and…

Jay.

Yeah?

Don't feel guilty about that. I know you love them. So do they.

Yeah, but that's not the point, kid, stop downplaying your own love!

You're like a cheerleader, from the sidelines.

Or the freakin' coach. Stop running in circles and get to the point.

…The point isn't in words.

Then don't say anything, Jay.

Words aren't my native language anyway.

I know. Words are beautiful but unnecessary. That's funny. But I guess in a sense, necessity doesn't mean importance? Does it? No. Words aren't… you don't need them, to speak. But they're beautiful anyway. And they exist. It feels like a bigger truth about creation. God experiencing God. Let's see how many different ways we can say love. How many different languages we can speak that one truth in. How many. I'm missing one.

Missing one?

Yeah. I'm using words as a crutch, man, I'm scared.

Of what?

Of…

…

Just let me hold you for a minute and see if it goes away.

You're trying too hard.

Oh, okay, that helped. No hidden intentions. None of that. Please.

Jay, what do you mean, hidden intentions?

I mean… geez, I'm projecting. Fears of other people. Not you. I'm not afraid of you.

You're not?

No! Geez, Chaos, why in heaven's name would I be afraid of you?

…You were, once.

…This morning?

Yesterday. You do remember. Was that you?

Not me, right now. I mean, it wasn't the me I am now. But it was someone. They were afraid of you when you get angry. I can see that now.

Are you?

No, no. I know you. When you get angry you slip a little. That sort of angry, at least. It's nothing to be afraid of. You went Perfect, once. Years ago. Miserere. That time. Would you believe some of those memories are mine?

How?

First person. Snapshots. I wasn't there, but… I can see things from first person, here and there. Mostly all one moment, event, scenario. Standing in front of the cathedral window, before it became wings. You, in the city, and the sorrow in Jewel's heart. I can feel that. She loved you, I love you, even in that image. There's nothing to be afraid of. And Markus sending us into your mind while Ryman held us safe, so we wouldn't die. So you wouldn't die. And this sudden, clear image, of this small dark place, inside that giant monstrous mind, of you, noticing us, in tears, running to us, embracing us. That's all. And that's everything. Does that mean anything?

Everything. …You just erased a lot of the doubts I had.

About what, dear.

About you. About you being you. I'm sorry.

Don't be, Chaos, don't be. It was relevant. You had every reason to doubt.

And every reason not to.

Well, at least we can both see that now, from our own positions. But we needed that to get to here.

I guess so.

We did. We needed all of it to get to here, otherwise we wouldn't be here, after all that.

…

I'm happy to be here. December 24th. Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve, you dolt.

Still. Happy Holidays. Winter Solstice. Death and rebirth. Snow and fire. Christmas lights and icicles. You know, that's the feeling of this season, it's one of love. That's why I'm glad our anniversary is on the 23rd. It fits right into this celebration. Day before Christmas Eve. God-the-23rd-of-December.

There is no morning after?

Oh but there is, except it doesn't lose anything for being the morning after the 23rd of December. It lingers, man, it lasts forever, that’s what love does. Even when things get dark. Even on the October 29ths and the January 17ths of the world. And both of those days aren't ever forever dark either. It's just a day. Just a moment in time. Maybe it was dark once. Maybe you were dark once. But I love you, even with that, just with that, it doesn't matter when it comes to love. Except it does. Every piece of you matters, like a cathedral window.

Like a creature from a cathedral window.

You remember that poem, huh?

'Course I do. Written around a campfire.

Dude, it was!! I almost forgot about that-- are you crying?

Yeah.

You taught yourself to cry, so you could cry.

Catharsis.

How long ago was that?

The learning, or the catharsis?

Both.

…Ten years. When I met you. I learned a lot.

You met Jewel, but you also met me.

You were her. You are her. And she is you, and he is you, and they all are, and I don't know how I felt I ever lost you. I'm sorry.

Dude, it's okay, I kind of lost myself too for a while.

But you're new. And you're still you.

Funny how that works, huh? Chaos, those two are still watching.

I don't care.

Good, because I'm not leaving.

Should I move closer?

Not yet, Infi, we don't need your help with this this time.

Good. It means a lot to hear that, Chaos.

Afterparty, dude, Genesis said to invite him.

Haha, Genesis can wait, his day's in February!

February 1st, yeah. And again, I know what that meant. I was there too. Dude! That's what it means. That's what it means!

What?

Love. Dude. That's what it means. I can-- I can see it all, all those things I thought I regretted, this picture-- this, that one. 063011. Pink. You know what that means.

Pink?

Love and affection. Truth. We knew what it meant. We got confused. Laurie, you knew!

No kidding I knew, I talked you out of suicide for heaven's sake!

I love you too, for that, thank you so much, I love you anyway, for everything.

Kid, please, this isn't about me. Yeah it's about love, but focus it on the blue guy for the first time in heaven knows how long.

It's been a while.

Yeah. Linearly, maybe. But that's what I meant. I am that love. I'm not… Eros' name got tied to that and confused. But it wasn't him, not as he is now. I… that's my job. That's our job. That's everyone's job, that's a group slot…

But you're the protector of it.

Yeah. I guess that's what it feels like to be a Guardian, in Dream World. Wow. So much more understanding there now. But still. Not this. I'm going in circles, love, I'm sorry.

You didn't let go though. That means something.

It means a lot is what it does.

…

…

…If you were waiting for a sign…

Dude, are you really, are you really saying that.

Yes. You're grinning, was that yours too?

One of the best ones. One of the clearest ones, Chaos, you do know that… that moment was… the barriers were down. The barriers were down! It was crazy, your eyes, I could see them, and… I swear it was as if you were right there, right there. It's my memory. It's my memory. It feels like the first memory I ever really had. When the walls were down. When the… when everything was real. When doubt didn't exist. Just you.

You and me.

Yeah, I keep forgetting myself in those moments, don't I.

I don't.

…Somehow that means more than I can put into words.

Then don't.

"Shut up and kiss me," right?

Please.

Okay. ...Okay.

…That was just like the first time. Just like it.

Does that make up for all the months I didn't talk to you?

No.

Good. We'll work on that.

Jewel… Jay, both of you, all of you.

Jay. It's Jay now. But I'm listening.

Jay. Jay, love. It doesn't make up for all of it. …But there's nothing to make up for anymore.

What do you mean?

What do I mean, I-- that felt like 2012 all over again. It was dead.

Well, yesterday did feel like Easter, so.

Laurie, don't, you're crying too.

Always, dude, you two punch like a truck.

Like Optimus Prime.

Yeah, that's a pretty heavy hit there. Right through the walls, guys.

Jay just dismantled them, slowly.

Infi, you approve of that?

Greatly.

Good, you got creepy-eyes' approval. Go on.

I said there's nothing to forgive because he didn't do anything wrong.

You said "make up for," not forgive.

…Same thing, in the end. I almost hated you, at one point. Almost. But I hurt so much. I didn’t know how to deal with it.

So you left.

You remember that?

I remember standing under an apple tree, and Genesis telling me you and Xenophon were staying in Parnassus. And I remember the shock of hearing that, but that's it.

You probably don't even remember not talking to me.

No. But I'm clearly aware of it, that it happened. Out of fear. Out of fear, real fear, that "I" was too afraid to let go of, because… I don't know why, actually. It makes no sense, that clinging to fear when it's not really there.

The brain won't take that chance, and it's scared of letting its defenses down in case it does get hurt again.

But there was no risk of being hurt again. Especially not with him.

Brain doesn't know that. Heart does, not the brain.

You slipping, Laurie?

No. Just choked up is all. Keep talking.

Chaos?

…There's nothing to forgive. Not really. Neither of us did anything wrong here.

You got lost is all.

Yeah. Not anymore though.

Let's hold on to this, please, the reality of this. Let's stay on this road and not wander off into the thornbushes again, because they hurt.

They did.

Have I mentioned that you're coming through extremely clearly tonight? Which is surprising as I couldn't see anyone earlier.

Really?

Yeah. But there you are. Clear as day. Thank you for not holding onto that tarry stuff.

I know. When you said you were afraid of me, yesterday, part of you… I was scared too. I remember what that was like, to lose myself in that. I didn't want that happening again.

But you remember, I loved you even when you were like that.

I didn't realize that then. Or I blinded myself to it.

He was pretty messed up, really. S'why I was so dead-set on getting this fixed today. You were both in a really bad state of mind.

Would you say we're in a better state now?

Well yeah, and honestly I think we have mister purple-star to thank for that too, at least a little.

Markus gets his due.

I'm glad they showed up today. I mean, of all days, that was perfect. It helped.

Everything matters. You taught me that.

Me?

Yes. You. All of you, all of the past yous. You helped change a lot in me.

Well… I was only a catalyst, I guess.

Yes, but you gave me this. And that was the biggest catalyst.

…Of?

Of a lot of things. Of this. Of realizing that I was loved, and what that meant. It changed things.

Love usually does.

…I always feel crushingly humble when people point that out. Why is that?

You don't want to admit that you can be that significant, kid.

Why?

"We fear our own brightness." You would embrace me, Jay, but why not yourself? Why do you fear that?

…Is it fear?

What else would it be, if not love?

Hm.

…Why are you afraid of being important to me?

I'm afraid it's pride. Arrogance. Self-promotion. It's not.

Then why're you afraid of it, kid?

What she said.

…Accusations?

Don't listen to them.

They have some roots. But I will let them go.

Please do. You are important. There's nothing wrong in that.

Everyone is important.

That doesn't make you any less so. Who else has done what you have, for me?

…You know what, it's joy. And the fear thinks it's pride.

Why?

Because. Because I love you, so much, and some part of me still thinks that if I get that, then…

Whatever bloody programming tells you that you're not allowed to have that kind of joy can just go back to hell where it belongs, please and thank you.

That's quite a juxtaposition of words.

Hey, I gotta be nice, kid. Point is that's garbage. Absolute garbage. Just because you love him, and he loves you back, doesn't make it a crime. Whoever made that asinine "rule" was entirely freakin' stupid. That's not how it works. You are ALLOWED to love and be loved, kid, there is nothing selfish about sharing that.

I know. My heart knows that.

Brain doesn't, though?

Sometimes it doesn’t. Not before. But now.

Do you believe it?

No.

Good. Toss that lie aside, tell your brain it's false, give it evidence to the contrary.

We are.

Then don't bloody listen to it if it says otherwise! If it's not paying attention to the obvious, it's not worth listening to anyway. Listen to your heart, kid, that's where the truth is and you know it.

You know, it's funny, hearing you say that, when you used to be an axe-swinging tough guy.

Used to be? Kid, hand me a weapon and I'll be that person again in a heartbeat. Doesn't make me any less of a nice guy though. I'm fully aware of love and light and all that fuzzy stuff even when I'm swinging an axe around my head, capisce?

Capisce.

Good. Now get back to whatever the heck you were doing.

It's 3AM, Laurie.

Is it? Well, we estimated 4, so we've got another 60 minutes, give or take.

Laurie.

What?

What are you waiting for?

I'm not waiting for a thing, kid, I'm just glad we managed to fix this a heck of a lot faster than we used to.

I told you, it didn't feel like Jay had the same blocks he used to.

I don't think I'm capable of those anymore.

Good. Hey, this Julie's favorite song?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Julie? Really?

Yeah. That's kind of a good thing to remind you of, do the Spectrum slot thing tomorrow with her. She really wants to be Pink officially.

She can't be scared though, it told her that.

Neither can you.

I'm not.

Are you? Make sure. Subconscious counts.

I'll get it out.

Do it, then. For both of them. If anything is holding them back from their full potential, root it out. That's your job, I think. Is it?

Yes.

Cool. No, really, Chaos, I'm not expecting anything. You two just do whatever.

Why do you watch?

Oh, now you're gonna grill me, great. I told you that ages ago. You two mean a lot to me. I see a lot in you.

You could experience it yourself, you know.

…This isn't about me.

Then it’s about…

Seeing that in you. Kid, guys, listen. I don't want to be a part of that, not now, not today. It doesn't mean any less to me to be an innocent bystander. Doesn't mean any less. Because that resonates, you two, whether I admit it or not. That catches me and it brings me in with it. Even when I used to have walls up. That's where all the cracks came from over the years. Just wearing me down with love is all. And that means a lot. So thanks, for not kicking me the heck out when I set up a chair in your room, for heavens sake, how brazen can I get.

I don't mind.

Yeah, you never mind, that's the point. Here's this incredibly private thing, between the two of you, and yet it's not any less private or intimate or real because someone's watching. That's big. You don't hide anything, and that's why the voices in your brain telling you you're being "selfish" are heartless liars, because I'm telling you kid, you're still a spiritual experience for me, both of you, because of that. You're open as the sky itself, and you're full of stars, and I'm honored that I get to see that. But it makes me feel small as anything, until you remind me that hey, I'm part of that too, aren't I? And now I'm getting poetic, great, watch Infi dive into this and then it's all going up in smoke. You know, the thurible kind. Postcards.

Why would that make you feel small, Laurie?

Wrong sort of small. Not the insignificant sort, it's… more like, "wow, look at how much life there is out there." It's the small feeling you get of being just one tiny infinitesimal part of the whole picture.

But you're still part of the whole picture.

Yeah. Isn't that funny? One speck, one tiny purple speck on the horizon is all I am. But somehow the whole thing would be missing something without me. And that goes for every single speck there ever was. Every one. I guess that's what I see when I look at you both, somehow. Like how the heck did this happen. We're a trauma system, at least at the onset we were, and Chaos is an outspacer, walked right on in from a video game, Jay loves you with his entire heart, and vice versa-- kid's got his identity reset how many harrowing times, we're splitting realities here, you've never even heard each other talk and yet man you're in love. And I don't know why that feels like every little thing matters forever but it does. It does. And that means a lot to me, there you go, poetry from Laurie.

I appreciate that, love.

I could make it worse.

Don't you freakin' dare, all I do is cry around you, that's not poetry.

Yes it is.

…Well I stand corrected, but still, no dice. Not tonight, bubble-boy.

Or girl.

Or both, that's another thing about this, is that gender doesn't even matter. Ever. Or species. I mean it's great, but it's hilarious, because what the heck even is Infi, and yet you're both still macking on him. Or her, or whatever.

I like "whatever."

Good, then you can be whatever. Literally so.

Hehe.

Sorry, now I'm the one off-topic.

No really, I'm just absorbing all this, it's wonderful really.

We haven’t had a night like this in a while.

It feels like you've been missing. There was a hole in my heart. Odd as it sounds.

I understand.

You're talking ocean language.

I am.

AP is really struggling to translate you, you know.

Is he?

That was better.

AP, don't try so bloody hard.

It's doing a good job.

…

It's not going to be able to translate that though.

We got an ellipsis.

I'd speak in ellipses, if I could.

Ellipses are the best.

You two, I swear. You're amazing.

No less than you.

If you say so, love.

You two aren't even kissing and I feel that radiating.

Good.

It always radiates.

That's what I mean. Infi, you think we should leave them the heck alone?

No, you get over here.

What?

…?

Yes, you.

You would include me?

Yes. It's the 24th, not the 23rd. Jay and I will be together later anyway.

We share a room, of course we will be.

Exactly.

But you would include me, in this.

…Yeah, I don't mind. CZ, don't look so hesitant.

I only ask because… you mean it?

Including you?

All of it.

…

That's untranslatable. "Heart says yes," basically.

Thank you.

No problem love, I speak ocean.

Do you speak sky.

Teach us.

That was close enough.

Okay, I might actually have to bail if this keeps up.

Why, Laurie?

The atmosphere of adoration in this room just went through the roof and I am not ready for that.

Really?

Really. I mean, wow, CZ. That is potent stuff. You guys are just… you're glowing over there. Fireworks. I'd get torn to pieces if I got too close.

Or would that just be your walls?

…

Don't identify with them, Laurie. They're not you.

Yeah, but come on, Infi, y'get close enough to you and it hurts enough to feel like your heart really is getting torn to shreds.

There was a quote like that, once. "I want to break myself until I am whole." That's one.

…

And another. Something about… I don't know. It's just a feeling. Laurie…

Yeah?

Um. How do I put this into language. Can I.

You don't need to, kid.

Maybe not, but I'd like to. You know, the closest thing I can only ever get to that feeling is Chaos' song title. The old one, that I didn't even give him, go figure. "Open Your Heart." How fitting is that, really.

Kid, I told you that stuff goes backwards for you. I still firmly believe what you have now had an effect on what happened back then.

Probably.

Things echo.

I have faith in that too. Remember how I reacted to Sonic Generations. Different thing, maybe, same principle. I don't know. It feels similar enough.

"It felt as if I had loved you forever, and I just had to remember what that felt like." I remember. Something along those lines. I'd say that's relevant tonight too, kid.

It is.

More ellipses. Chaos, you feel like the ocean, just infinite depth all the way through, it's beautiful. Infi, you are weirdly similar.

He's space.

Space?

It's black. Space ocean.

Ah. Different sort of infinite depth.

Think of the night sky, Laurie. You too, Jay.

I am, I am, that's why I'm headed towards the door.

Are you really?

…Kid, it's 3:20 in the bleeding morning, this can't go on forever.

Maybe not, but moments are infinite.

…You are trying so freaking hard to get me over there, aren't you.

On the contrary, we aren't trying at all, Laurie. We're just being. You're trying too hard.

To do what, eye-boy?

To not try.

…

You do this often, Laurie. You put up your own walls.

Yeah, no kidding. …You know what, fine, move over.

Really?

Yeah. Five seconds, that's it, if I collapse in tears, you are to blame, thank you very much.

Fitting, Laurie.

Yeah, don't laugh at me, this isn't easy for me, okay?

I appreciate your honesty though.

Don't hit on me, featherface.

I don't have any feathers.

I'm calling you names so I don't have to admit that I'm actually terrified of you, okay? I always laugh in the face of death. Doesn’t mean I'm not scared of it.

And why are you scared of me, Laurie?

…Because for heaven's sakes I can't hide anything around you. No one can. And when I'm around these two...

What?

I just… I'm so used to being your ironclad protector. Steelhearted black knight, no one gets through this armor, I'll kick the castle doors down. But no one got in. What the heck, Infi, do you invalidate language too now or what??

Not invalidate. Just make unnecessary.

…Yeah. I guess so.

Don't try so hard, Laurie. Let go.

I'm scared to, confound it all.

…

…Kid, don't-- don't do that.

What?

Just… you're not even bloody doing anything, what am I saying. Why the heck am I closing off now.

You said it yourself. It hurts.

Yeah, no kidding, Sherlock. Don't get him in here, I will seriously flip a table.

He knows not to walk in. Unlike you, love.

Hey, you gave me permission, you moron.

I know. Just lightening the mood a little.

…That does help. Why the heck does that help.

Trust? It feels like trust.

It does.

All right, fine. I trust you guys. Infi, turn it up to eleven hundred or whatever the heck you do.

…Here, let me move.

But-- then you're--?

Yeah, but I'd better get used to it.

Don't. Don't do that.

Yeah, sorry. Wrong choice of words.

Don’t ever get used to it.

…Don't think that's possible, man, either way.

Probably not.

…Are you writing this down.

Nope, the AP literally stopped for a minute there.

Good. Tell it to close this up.

Right now?

Not yet, hold on.

Why, what the heck are you going to do?

Nothing harmful, nothing dangerous. I am no threat to you, Laurie. Not at all.

…Yeah, I know. I think that's why I'm scared.

Geez, love, you and I really are in the same boat with that stuff.

Yeah, and you let it go with this, so why the heck don't I?

Because I have… I've been through more with this? I guess?

More experience.

For lack of a better word, yeah. I've got people who just… make armor completely unneeded. Unwanted. I don't know how to put it into words. Me and Chaos. You know what we're like, really, like this.

Water and… what are you, now?

…Reflections. Dancing on the water. I can be with everything now.

Good. That's great.

Wow, I don't think I've seen that much joy in a while.

I used to burn things, Laurie. Now I don't. I can feel the difference.

You won't burn yourself away anymore.

…I won't. No, this is better than that. Infinitely better.

…

…Chaos, I love you, did I tell you that today?

Not in words.

That wasn't spoken either. Laurie, you're right, let's close this, CZ here is being gorgeous and speaking in waves instead of words. I'd love to record it but that's only going to happen if the AP isn't sharing the conscious channel.

Infi is giving me really weird looks, yeah let's close this up.

So quickly, Laurie?

Dude, you are not going to kiss me, I will leave this room.

I'm not going to kiss you unless you ask.

Yeah, that's the problem, you make that totally a-okay with everybody and then asking doesn't become taboo anymore, that's why I'm closing this up.

Hey! That's the thing I thought of earlier. I wanted that to be a-okay with everybody. Like it wasn't just some romantic thing. That would be nice.

It would be.

You're still not kissing me.

Yeah, she's still waiting on Genesis.

That is--  no, we're not doing a bloody thing, that is an injoke and it is staying an injoke.

I'm just messing with you, Laurie.

I'm not so sure in these situations, Chaos, geez.

Let's not tease Laurie about that, she can do whatever she wants to, or wants not to do.

Thank you. So are we closing this?

…Yeah, let's close it.

Don't you start.

Already did, sorry.

Don't even, Jay, no.

You're smiling!

No kidding I'm smiling, you're adorable, but no. Not like this.

Yeah, see that's the thing, guys. Laurie isn't like me. She only kisses people if it's extremely important.

Yeah, you would know.

I would know. And it is extremely important to me. So thank you.

…Pff. You're welcome, kid.

Laurie, are you blushing.

What of it?

Just… I've never seen that before.

First time for everything, man. Now before Infi makes this worse-- oh, there he goes.

Not yet, Laurie.

You're still hanging on Jay and we all know where this is going.

Not if I get involved too. Then it's impossible to predict.

Ohh dude I forgot you two were a thing now. What the heck.

What?

Just… man, there is a freaking mutual love triangle going on right next to me and you are going to want it to become a square, I know you guys.

Didn't Genesis say to invite him to the afterparty?

I swear, if you bring Genesis in here, I am going to kill you.

How?

I did promise.

…Fine, fine. But close this bloody thing first, it is far too late.

Should we wait until the morning, then?

He might get jealous of what he missed.

Two seconds, Laurie, let me see if he's awake.

…Fine. Two seconds.

…

Ohhhh what am I missing??

Genesis, you're awake??

Oh, fantastic.

Yeah I'm awake I stayed up purposely so I-- Laurie.

What.

How did they drag you into this. Infi, move over.

I asked.

You asked?

Eventually. You know how it is.

Yeah, duh, that's why I asked. So what'd I miss, really?

Gen.

Yeah?

Move over there.

But-- hey, I haven't been next to Infi yet, you can let me stay here just this once.

Then move to my left. I'm a married girl you know.

Wait, what.

Infi.

I'm joking.

No, wait-- did you two-- you three-- really??

Not yet, Gen, but probably eventually soon enough.

Whiich basically translates to January 1st is likely going to be a matrimonial ceremony this year.

Genesis, we're still debating whether or not to include you.

…What??

Well, not in that sense? But still.

Geez, you scared me!

Sorry dude.

Close enough.

That's the point. It's so close with you guys that you literally love each other enough to marry each other and yet that's not the best option in some cases.

And yet it’s the same thing.

And yet it's the same bloody thing. And you wonder why I'm scared of you people!

Oh, you're scared too? Great, the last time I had to wear a wedding dress it didn't turn out well.

Hahaha!

You remember that! Good, that joke wasn't lost then.

Was that the meme?

That was the meme. With the chainsaws.

I had to bust you out the back door.

It was epic, that was great.

Guys. 4 in the morning. Jay, go smooch your boss if you're done with the rest of us.

Mmf. Now you're making me want to, great job Laurie.

Ah, shoot, yeah I kind of dug my own grave with that one.

It's really 4AM?

Yeah dude, we've been talking for like 5 hours here. Average.

Crazy how 5 hours is average. But uh, who's smooching who?

Everyone's fair game except me.

Well I already got Chaos, so.

We could do it again.

Ssssh, but now Gen is watching.

Oh! Energy overlay. Hold on a second.

Wait, what?

Oh yeah, ages ago I said Gen has two ways of radiating his-- oh dude, we're in trouble.

Why are-- oh. Yeah, that look is trouble.

…You're not going to comment on this?

I'm speechless dude, the heck are you-- oh, oh come on, he is actually doing the trollface thing.

Pfff!

Where is your mouth.

I've got a few on my wings, pick one.

Holy swords.

Gen, I didn't know you had it in you.

Watch it waterboy, you're next.

See, this is why we need to bring him along more often.

What the heck, this is both hilarious and terrifying. Is he always like this when he does that?

Always. You have no idea.

…Aaand holy swords that is a lot of teeth.

Wow.

You gonna get a nosebleed over this, boy?

Uhh maybe. If Chaos gets involved, yes.

We might have to split up. Otherwise things might get tangled.

Tangled is good.

Not with me around it ain't.

Should we close this up right now? I'm laughing and this is awesome but really.

Yeah, that "but really" just about sums it up. You four go get tangled. I'm out.

Aw.

Really, kid, I can't-- you people are straight-up crazy, and it's awesome, but that's not something I'm getting involved with.

You'd flip the mood entirely upside down is what.

I don't want Genesis biting me, okay? I'd bleed all over the sheets.

Infi's got more teeth than he does.

Yeah, and that's kind of horrifying.

But we're on the wrong level. Gen's gotta burn off all the gold sparkles and then it's going to get deep.

That's your territory, right? That why you chatting with me while those three do whatever they're doing?

Infi'll calm them down. Chaos is hard to bring into Genesis territory, that's why they're best friends. He kind of douses that electrical fire a little.

Electrical fire? I thought Gen was air.

Not his energy, that's literally like… sparks. Chaos is water all the way around.

Ah. And Infi is stars?

He's the night. Both ways. Hence the mode shifts.

Okay, you can change the music now.

Dude, that fast?

Is this what you do, Infi?

Naturally.

How do you not get addicted to this.

There's an overdose risk.

Ah.

I'll tone it down.

Please do, it's ridiculously late.

Well Laurie, I'm off. Sorry things got kind of unraveled towards the end.

Sorry?

The end?

Yeah, guess neither of those really apply, huh.

Kid, don't be sorry, just don't you dare slip, any of you. You hear me?

Absolutely.

I'll watch everyone.

Sorry. I start off loud and then… quiet down. Infi's making it hard not to.

Good. This is my native language.

It's pretty great.

Gen, you look like you're off in another world.

Just taking this all in, Jay.

You're taking it extremely well.

Am I?

Yeah. Laurie ends up in tears when she's around him.

Hey hey hey, none of that.

Aw, really?

Geez CZ, ruin my cover, why don't you.

Nah, I could see you crying from this.

So why the heck aren't you.

I don't know. It's more of… an awestruck feeling. When I get over that I'll probably cry later, you know me. I just have a lot of sparkles to get through first.

I really should get over there. That's three people I love a lot, and I'd like to just be there. To be a part of that.

Then go, kid, I'll close this up for you.

Well I do have to duck out and see my boss really quick anyway, so. I'll close this up.

What're you smiling about?

Just my boss. He's adorable, I love him. He's so nice.

Yeah, he is. What does he do though, kiss you on the nose or what?

Forehead. I usually end up grinning like a five year old, he thinks it's great, he'll do it twice if I don't smile the first time.

That's adorable.

I know. Mmf. I'm getting all love in the fluffy direction now.

You want to bring it back the other way?

…How.

…Hold up one second.

…Would you really.

Yeah.

With them, right there.

…Yeah, why the hell not, I watch you guys enough anyway.

…So, are you waiting for a sign too, or…?

Not exactly.

Laurie. Go on.

I don't need your cheerleading, Infi.

It's not that. I understand.

…

Sorry if this is tough.

No, I… confound it.

?

Heh. Close your eyes, kid, make this a little easier for me.

…

…Kid, that's too much.

Is it?

A little.

…Laurie, you're crying.

Yeah? And what of it?

Nothing. Just the fact of it says enough.

…

…

…Come on, kid. Get your hands out of my hair, you're making me feel too much.

Sorry.

No, that's worse. But keep 'em there.

…You're so real all of a sudden.

Am I?

Yeah. I think that's what the resonance is. Love. Everywhere.

See, kid, once upon a time you thought these walls were too high to get past. Then you got a wrecking ball.

Infi?

Heh, nah. He vaporizes 'em. Not even rubble left to trudge through.

So I leave rubble, or what?

Kind of. …Nah. Forget the destructive equipment, that's Chaos' thing. You walk through 'em, kid. Always have, always will.

…This is going to sound really stupid but…

Spit it, kid.

Heh. Well… no, that's rhetorical. I already know the answer.

To what?

"Do you love me." Don't even know why I asked.

…Kid, you know I do. But I think that question was looking for a different context.

Which I don't need. I love you just as you are, just as this is.

…Is that enough?

Yeah. It's perfect.

Pink diamonds means no romance, kid. Not in this context. Red diamonds means we push the limits.

Still.

Still what?

Still, it's awesome.

Yeah, no kidding. Hey Infi, thanks man.

For?

For not taunting the heck out of me over that.

Why would I?

I dunno, I probably would. Sort of an insecurity thing, you know.

I don't see any insecurity right now.

Yeah, that's the point. You know what I mean.

I do, actually. Thank you.

Yeah, you would thank me. How bloody far back did we say we were going to close this.

Too early!

Yeah, no kidding. Someone else want to do the honors, because I fail at this.

I'll close it up.

You're practically catatonic, Gen.

I'm just saving my energy for when Jay comes over here.

Why, what are you going to do.

I dunno, not fall asleep.

Good point, it's 4… heh, 4:20, how high are you guys gonna get tonight?

Very.

High as in altitude, I assume?

Metaphorically.

…Very.

Yeah, that's unanimous.

Great. I'm out. Jay, go talk to your boss.

Will do. Guys, hold on for five minutes, please?

Tell him I said hi.

I will.

Me too.

*raises hand*

Okay, both of you too. And thank you for putting asterisks in, I was waiting for someone to do that.

Last bit of crazy for the night. Holy swords, though, this is one of the best 23rd convos we've had in a while.

It was. Not as much pain as the last two had.

Yeah, which is nice.

We done?

As far as words go, yes.

And that's the last note of our song.

"You," by Nils Frahm. Teen Daze rework.

Fitting.

I love all you guys, you're great. Chaos I hope you don't mind sharing.

It's Christmas. I'd be upset if we weren't sharing.

Last two lines on the page kid!

All right, all right, we're out, good night, much love to everybody.

There's more than enough to go around.

With you four, I wouldn't doubt that for a second.

 

 

 

 

Just personal rambling, don't mind me.

 

I hate how going out in public is difficult as all heck, when something as simple as being bumped in the arm by a stranger can cause a total dissociative trance.
At least that's somewhat better than someone like Overload or Algorith coming out and attacking them. It's happened before. At least now they're becoming aware of the repercussions.

 

Old women kept bumping into us in church today, and it was so psychologically jarring that David started wailing and we could barely hold him back inside. Knife tried to comfort him-- "you're safe with us"-- but David surprised us by saying he knew that, but he still wanted to cry. The things he was scared of were out there, not in here... and he wanted to express his pain and fear, to ask for safety, to shed tears on the outside without people telling him to behave or shut up.
It was heartbreaking, to have to tell him that we didn't have that luxury where we were.
So David cried inside, and I assume the AP drove home because I don't remember anything much after that.

 

It's scary, how few things we can do safely anymore. Daily self-care and maintenance is near-impossible when the body itself is viewed as a murder weapon. Even though it might intrinsically be harmless, those cells hold terrible memories that we can't seem to bleed out, memories tied to abusers that reside inside this cage of bones with the rest of us. Paranoia doesn't quite die when the risk never quite goes away.
The roots of fear are so deep, I wonder if we can even get them out now without massive damage.

 

I know people have it far worse than us. I know, and it makes me personally feel crushed by guilt for complaining about something so picayune. And yet it happens, and it is frightening.

 

Next month is hopefully hospitalization. Until then we will survive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

this is the fragment

we just had a hack it attacked javier

he was so traumatized by it he committed suicide
we did not know until now

he is dead, he is dead

algorith wants to atone, she was disgusted
knife said no, the body gets sick from cutting now, we cant
algorith said then refuses to do this anymore

she tried to commit suicide on the body

laurie stopped her, they fought, laurie barely won out

brought us here, what do we do

javier is dead and algorith wants the body to die
so that we never have to deal with these situations ever again

i do not blame her

we had hope this morning but now what?
if the hacks dont stop
if we keep destroying the body with the eyes closed
what do we do

this is no way to live

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:04 pm

 

 

all right look im sorry i know people dont like to think about this either.

 

but weve been in hell for two hours and algorith keeps trying to swallow pills and the numb people keep coming out because people KEEP TOUCHING US and the kids are screaming and there are STILL VOICES THAT ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT WORSE

 

i hate this i hate this why wont it stop STOP TRYING TO KILL US FROM THE INSIDE OUT JUST STOP

 

i am going to try a crisis chatroom?? maybe?? the last time it made things so much worse it made so many voices mad mad mad

 

oh here i am sorry

 

listen i think maybe someone needs to talk to someone, i dont know, i cant do it im not allowed to see that. but people are hurt bad and a lot of people are crying and some people are dead.

 

THERE ARE ABUSIVE PEOPEL IN THIS SYSTEM AND THEY WONT GO AWAY WHAT DO WE DO???
THIS ISNT A COPING MECHANISM IF THE TRAUMA KEEPS HAPPENING ON THE INSIDE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING PLEKASE MAKE THEM STOP.

 

please we are too angry and sad and scraped out and hurt to fight anymore please someone make them go awy and stop hurting us please. please please please stop them.

 

 

what do we do, suicide isn't an option, it's not an option, even if the hopeless ones keep trying. we can't do it it's wrong
we have the means. its so easy. but we can't, it would be mass suciide and that isnt fair.

 

still, it is also not fair for us to have rapists and murderers living in our head too and we cant run from them. and they take over the body and kill people they dont like inside. and it is really hard to stop them from hurting people outside too. it is very scary, to have to lock ourselves inside the hoiuse all the timebecause going outisde means hey! we might really hurt somebody because we didnt know they were out!! it is scary and no way to live, to be your own worst enemy, because you are not the only person driving the body.

 

what to do. thursday is therapy again. we think we will demand hospitalization we cannot wait any longer anymore

 

sorry for this stupid ranting

 

IT'S NOT STUPID DAMN IT I DONT CARE IF NO ONE TALKS TO US I AM SAD!!! AND USUALLY I AMNEVER SAD BUT TODAY I AM!! BECAUSE IT DOEST STOP AND I WANT IT TO STOP OKAY PLEASs.e

 

okay its not dumb but its sad. sorry we chansed sylvain out hes a manager the kind of people that keep things neutral we cant do that now it would hurt more.

 

not bleeding enough, trying to figure out how more, but is tat bad? not want to keep cutting deep an dlblood everywhere. no stitches cant get stitehces not good. locked away again not good/

 

what are we doing why is this going on tumblr WHY
desperate for help, desperate for help

 

you can only talk to a wall for so many years

 

bye.

 

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@ 10:22 pm

 

 

we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.


2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak.
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one.
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, f*ck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE LITERALLY DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help.
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there.

Kid, the light isn't all that far from the shadow, look at Infi for heaven's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. Suffering through this darkness won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this whole thing WORKS.
Today was horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true.

there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love.
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.


I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back.
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.


"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with.
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.

 

 

We draw a fine line between "persecutors" and "retributors" in our System. Both cause harm to the body, but for different reasons.
"Persecutors" harm us out of selfish desires or malicious intent, wanting to either see us suffer, or wanting to do what they want "without consequence" and not caring who has to handle the pain instead of them.
"Retributors" follow in their wake; they harm the body to "bleed out" the damage. They have a strange but strong belief that the "blood is poisoned" by malevolent acts and so it needs to be cleansed, lest the intentions behind such acts "infect the body." (Pain is a complex topic in our System in any case.)
Oddly, we have no current alters that self-abuse for the sake of self-abusing. There was at least one in the past. Currently, conscious and non-retributive self-harm (which is strictly monitored) is effectively forbidden in the System, for the good of all.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 12:14 pm


Our innerworld isn’t very “literal;” it is made of energy that can be categorized by color depending on its function. Black energy is raw subconscious. Unfortunately ours now holds many negative things due to past experiences that were buried.
Similar to both your descriptions, our “Black realm” is an unending unconscious space, where all alters are born from. We consider it a sort of “primordial void” as a result. Infinitii is the entity in charge of that space, and ze effectively is composed of the same energy.
There is also a corrupted side of this energy, though— the Tar Pits— which is a deep underground realm where all the abuse-related subconscious energy (and people) hide. It overshadowed the true Black energy for most of our life.
We’d never put anyone there on purpose, as people tend to become badly contaminated when exposed to such things. (Sadly we know this from direct experience.)
Corrupted Black energy exists as “the Tar” and it is effectively its own entity, a direct foil to Infinitii.

-Jay

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 02:09 pm


When I'm looking for "lookalike" photos of System members, it tends to hit me just how huge our inner universe is... not just headspace. There is more you know, and it's just as old as we are.
Do you have any idea how tiring it is to be not only a System member, but also someone who is creatively connected to other worlds?
I know usually that gets me called an artist, or an author, or the like. But no one here is a creator outside of headspace. Not like this. We can only watch. We love it, we love them, but we have no control over what their lives are like. So it's more like we're charged with telling their stories, at least, we artists in the System are!
But there are so many others. So many! If we tried to count everybody, inside and outside the System, there would be hundreds of us. Like... probably 300 at least. That is a LOT.
So when I'm looking at photos I'm seeing not just our faces, but everyone else's, and the sheer immensity of it all-- the sudden awareness of just how far this inner space reaches-- is overwhelming.
I know there was a division between us and them for a while. "Headspace and Leaguespace cannot coexist." Was this why?
Either way that's ridiculous. We can live together! We used to! That's where all the Otherspacers came from. We wouldn't be half of what we are if it weren't for those other Worlds we can reach.
But trauma tore us apart, I guess. Sometime after I left, the inner space decided that the Leagues couldn't get touched by ANY of the pain the headspace people were going through. And so it split us up.
I don't want that to be the case anymore! I feel like half of me is missing. And lots of us do, we're all trying to reach out again, we can feel that we need them.
Sorry. I didn't mean to go on a rant again.
It's just weird, to suddenly be recognizing all these other people! I guess I'm so used to feeling like I'm "all in one or the other" so sudden loud overlap is really surprising.
But it's tiring. There is so much.
It's beautiful though.


-Jewel(?)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 08:33 pm


I really don't udnerstand this.
Why can't I get over these triggers?? Why can't I stop these stupid visceral reactions of rage and fear and terror and shame?
The slightest reminder makes me want to set the world on fire, and when I catch myself feeling horrible for that sort of thing, I become empty, incapable of fighting back or protesting anymore. Existentially hollow.
I hate this. I really do. I don't know why it won't stop. It's everywhere. I don't know what year it is. Why won't this go away.
Everywhere I look there is DANGER and I HATE that it's dangerous because even if the sight of something is harmless, THERE ARE THINGS INSIDE THAT WILL STILL HURT ME BECAUSE OF IT
I hate this, I hate this, I want to die, I am so sad, why wont this go away
trauma is so dumb, i shouldtn have gottent traumatized maybe this would be happening right now i was so dumb its my fault
someone please PLEASE help inside or outside i am so scared and sad WHY do we have to keep dealing with this pain WHY???

 

"Take It All" by Todd Rundgren is our "System song," if you will.

It's become a sort of ritual for us to listen to this on the drive home from therapy sessions, as it reminds us of the bigger picture in spite of the old pain, and the hope we all refuse to lose sight of.
We may have been born from pain, true... but there's a stronger thing keeping us together now.

----------------------------------------------------

@ 12:16 am


So we just found this almost-an-hour slowdown of the Jurassic Park theme, of all things?
We're playing it over speakers in the Underground, and Knife's so moved by it ("I've never heard anything like this before") that the man's actually tearing up and hanging on Laurie's arm for emotional support. But it's just as moving to see someone in here so affected by music, too.

He doesn't have his own page so we're posting this on the main account, for us to all remember later.
We need more nights like this, completely free of pain, with everyone just sitting around together in awe of the beauty of life.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 

@12:26 am

listening to this https://soundcloud.com/birdfeeder/jurassic-park-theme-1000-slower
knife is actually crying from how moved he is by the music
he was hanging off laurie's arm earlier, overwhelmed, saying he just needed to 'hold on to someone'
now theyre sitting on a couch in the underground meeting room just listening
knife apologized for being so emotional but laur said "don't you dare censor that"
she said when beauty makes you respond to it in kind, you let that happen however it wants to
knife's wiping tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand, just this really genuine motion
it really struck a chord with me so i'm writing it down

sugar is sitting on the floor next to the unnamed "angry girl" that holds the rage towards the parents
they're trying to work together and be friends, they're both technically protectors of the innocents
she doesn't have a name yet but i'm sure we'll find one soon enough
she's helping us build her subeta avatar, she actually tried to draw herself to help us see her hair?
so that was really cool too.
sugar said she's been slipping badly but i think this camaraderie will really help them both

earlier, laurie, leon, infi and i were just listening to choral music in infi's realms
as we were walking by the christmas tree downstairs
laurie and leon were practicing channeling music, they were both euphoric over it
but that was another 30 minutes of peace and community and we need that

that is it for today, just wanted to record that.
the little things are what really matter i think.
theres so much joy hidden in this system, we tend to lose sight of it with the trauma stuff
but it never breaks, its never lost

laurie said, "stop trying to 'fix' the road you're lost on; just turn around and get on a different road"
jay keeps thinking he's broken but he's not, no one here is, no one ever is
we just lose sight of our deeper natures sometimes.
but its getting harder to forget now.
lately we've all been so aware of the bigger picture here
and that's really beautiful too.
so it's like we're all a part of the music in our own way

sorry, battery dying, see you tomorrow after therapy

 

 

 

(Some thoughts after reading multiplicity posts on Tumblr)

Jay here; when I'm tuned in to headspace, I get "pseudo-sensory" input very clearly as well. Besides sights and sounds, I also get 'phantom' sights and presences; I can always tell when Genesis has showed up in the room, or if someone upstairs has just moved physically closer to me when I'm fronting. It's virtually tangible, to the point where I've started keeping a list of "who feels like what" so I know who those myriad sensations come from. Since its so immersive, there can be significant leakage if it isn't sharply kept inside... but after years of being forced to do that via a survival-mechanism "buffer system," we've become so tired of the suppression that we're now actively trying to dismantle it, just to be able to experience everything without censorship.

In the past, our personal life situation practically required us all to live internally instead of externally whenever possible, so internal sensations are arguably more "real" to me than outer ones are, most days. Plus I do meditate whenever possible so that helps boost my perception, but I tend to end up "lost in headspace" for 2+ hours solid during some meditations, and that can be very tiring. (The perception during those is INTENSE though! I have notable trouble distinguishing those memories from physical ones.)
Meditation also can spike depersonalization when I'm in the body (ironically I only tend to ground "upstairs"), so I have to be careful, as I'm dissociated enough on a daily basis.
Being able to perceive headspace like this is so important and vital to me that, when I lose my perception-- either to meds or psychological fallout-- it's actually existentially frightening.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:24 am


TRACK 67

(Lynne) All right, I'm, not sure how to start this, but, this is Lynne Stabelle. Uh, Jay, if you're hearing this I simply wanted to leave a message for you on your voice recorder, because I'm fronting. It's Tuesday, after your therapy session, 11:24, in the morning… I know you like having timestamps. Um… Genesis says "move the microphone closer." *laugh* I guess road noise would drown me out. Fronting-- I want to remind you, Jay, I'm fronting right now, and we have currently… have this idea where, when I'm fronting I say, "I am Lynne Stabelle-- my name is Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange, I have long orange hair, orange eyes, an orange dress… I am female, and a headvoice." And… that-- see, saying "I am female," somebody is, yelling "dysphoria"… but I am! I am a woman… but I am a headvoice as well, so, they don't need to feel threatened by me… but they do. Yes, Genesis said "but they do." And they do, and they shouldn't… but, that's true. So there are people… hiding below the surface… when we front, and that's why it's difficult to anchor. Laurie fronted for most of the session today *laugh*… just reminding you, in case you forget… 'cause she did, I'm proud of her. I should try, that would be fun… I don't-- I'm on the highway, I can't slip. Um, I'm going to hit stop, because, I'd like other people to talk, but, as I said, I'm currently driving your car, we are driving down Interstate 81, behind a… what's that? It's a tanker. Not a truck. It says (unintelligible, trying to sound out something)… whatever it is! *laugh* It's snowing, I got to drive through Scranton for a little bit, which is where I was born… and… I'm going to stop because I am slipping. Uh, *short sigh* Have a good day, Jay, whenever you hear this. I'm really slipping, bye.

 

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@ 06:56 pm


Figured out how to bypass the buffer during therapy-- get me to front, heheh.
I had to shove the A.P. aside to get out but it's cooperative, and I had important things to say. Therefore, progress was made, heck yes.
Feels good to be out though. Haven't fronted in front of other people in over a year, s'far as I can remember.

I swear even the therapist chills out when I'm around, it's awesome.

-LU 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:04 pm


Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you read our recent posts, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll bloody kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing that text wall on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (What a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember anything and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it doesn't work at all in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the neck, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the heck happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't even know. I'm just ticked off and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but man I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Geez. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain stuff to. See you later.

  

MAJOR UPDATES!!
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP.
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

 

 

 

 

Well we are switching madly today.

 

The Central System is not running the show either, which in other words, means that management is missing and things are tumultuous.

 

Everyone on the "social sub-system" (which runs in unavoidable, highly social situations) is either faceless or nameless, often both. This is because those individuals were "not able to have their own identities" due to their roles involving the physical life: until now, the existence of our System(s) was kept under heavy security, for survival's sake. But now it is impossible to remain that way, even if we wished to, and so even those who were previously forced to be blank slates are now being given opportunities to grow.
The only downside of that is, obviously, that switching happens far more frequently than it ever has before.

 

On that note: so far today, our fronters have included:

- a "manic social girl" (assumedly Spinny), whose mindset was stuck somewhere around 2008? She fronted for most of the morning until she was forced out by a context switch. As usual, she left a wake of heavy fatigue due to energy burnout.
- a confused, dizzy and highly disoriented young person; gender unknown. They were triggered while cooking and had no idea what to do. They weren't clear enough for anyone to recognize them.
- Some semi-new guy, who took over for the previous voice. He was confused but curious about everything (mostly the sky and snow, he had no clue what weather was; he was also mostly baffled by the body although he "knew how to work the hands"). He fronted for about 20 minutes so he's clear, but as he is apparently still forming this data may change. He's tall and thin, feels vaguely inhuman, and his color appears to be Navy (in the Blue subspectrum).
- Algorith, who was triggered a few times, but was internally held back due to hir violence. Once was in the hallway and another was in the kitchen-- both times ze was trying to channel some sort of hand-based weapons.
- myself, the silent observer and reporter. (I am not Sherlock, although he could do this job if he so wished.)

 

The "data trio" (G, Isabel, and Kalisha) have been keeping things from becoming too catastrophic (they talk to all new fronters when possible) but they can only do so much. If there is no available data or instructions for them to read from, they're just as clueless as we are.

 

Lastly, although Central is not around today, the Lower and Underground levels can still be detected or triggered.
About an hour ago, David got attacked by Sharona; something triggered him badly and she took it as her chance to harass him. However David's security blanket apparently now acts as an "invisibility cloak" to protect him, so he got away long enough for help to arrive. Surprisingly, that help was not a Retributor, but the unnamed Bear from the Underground, who promptly ambushed Sharona and got her to let go of David. Minty entered the room close behind, as she was likely the one who alerted the Bear to the trouble (she worked with the other children for a short time before she switched levels). She has a foam dart gun that she appears to be using in lieu of actual Central-issued weaponry. David ran away out of fear though, not staying to talk or thank her, and we have no idea what happened after that.

 

In any case the day has been very confusing so far, but we are managing. Memory is a shambles but there have been no meltdowns, which we are thankful for.
I will try to find someone capable to take over for me, as I am merely a placeholder, and cannot function on my own.
Hopefully Central will return with better news tonight. Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

Rambling ahead, probably will be deleted in the morning.

 

I'd say I love being alone, but when headspace is silent it's the worst feeling in the world.
Yes, there's always writing work to do. That's great, and I love it. But I can only do that for so many days before I realize I've forgotten how to be a person. Creative work turns me into a total channel; empty and pure, capable of letting any idea move through me, but incapable of interacting with any living thing.
For most of the past, that was the norm. I never spoke to the people I wrote about, I never had a solid identity of my own. But when that began to change, suddenly, around 2003, I'll admit it looks like I became addicted at first. I didn't know how to handle it, and it was euphoric. Suddenly there were other people inside (nice ones, for once!) that I could TALK to! And at first, the periods of downtime were crushing. Now that I knew what it was like to NOT be lonely, I was suddenly aware of what loneliness actually WAS.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Honestly I'm guessing; those memories are distant and vague. All I can say is how I feel now, looking at them, someone else's life.

Even so I still don't know how to deal with daily life, or physical reality, or tangible people. It's overwhelming and scary for me. I need lots of space, I need lots of silence, I need the ability to run away when I feel trapped. But I also need to know that there's somewhere to run BACK to.
I've been alone for a long, long time, it feels like. It's sad. I'm not sure why I'm saying any of this. It doesn't quite make sense.
Whether I like it or not, people need people. But the only people I've ever truly known are "upstairs." And it's been getting harder to find them.
I guess the bottom line is, I'm tired and lonely and I miss people. Nights like this everything is quiet and I'm stuck literally walking in circles for hours and I don't hear anyone. Is that better? Is that worse?
I'm sick of forcing myself into trauma just to hear people shout at me. I'm so sick of this stupid ache that drives me in dangerous directions, just to feel like my existence is acknowledged. That's selfish. I shouldn't need or want that. And yet there it is.
Tonight, I am lonely, and sad, and a little afraid.
I'm trying to be 100% okay with the silence and emptiness. But that's tricky, when it feels like that once-holy quiet is now denying me of any possibility of connecting with others as a person in my own right.
I can be alone. That's easy. Just take out the "I can," and be nothing.
The days when I can't do that are the difficult ones.

 

-Jay (empty mode, sorry)

 

 

 

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

 

 

 

 

Hey kids, this is Jay, updating entirely by myself for once. As for why… well, I don't know if it counts as meditation in any traditional sense, but I just spent close to three solid hours in headspace with Infinitii and CZ, and I feel so completely surrounded and embraced by love that I could cry from the incredible bliss of it.
It's been months since we were able to do anything even vaguely like this... sure, we tried back on the 8th, but since I was still frozen emotionally it didn't get very far. So having something like this happen barely 10 days later is just incredible. That's massive progress and recovery both. It's a lot of hope for me.

I'm going to write this stream-of-consciousness style, because refinement is tiring and I need to get this down as quickly as possible. Also, just anote: even when it's beautiful, headspace is naturally really weird, thanks to it being 50% subconscious, so to speak... and because so much of my normal headspace experience involves heavy-duty healing, thanks to my role up here. So if any social fronters want to delete or censor this because "that's too bizarre and I don't want it publicized," remember, it wasn't your experience, so you have no authority to edit it. Thank you.


- I was with infi for an hour this morning, starting at 3am, as I couldn't sleep. (i was in my stained-glass form at the time as well). it was really beautiful; we were in a basilica-like place again, just talking. it struck me how they always look like the national shrine; that place had a big impact on headspace). we walked up to the baldachin altar (like this but without the trees, and no actual altar on it; just the steps up to a circle platform), infi sat down on it, looking thoughtful, then just looked up at me and motioned for me to move closer. when I did, he just reached out and simply said, "make love to me." taken aback but nevertheless moved, I stepped closer, then uncertainly asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that? he caught my hesitation and sternly clarified, "I didn't say have sex with me." that was like a lightbulb went off in my head, of course he didn't, but I didn't realize I had been assuming so much about his motives too. again, infi knows I tend to think in black-and-white, so he quickly added, "but don't assume that's what other people mean when they say that," before clarifying that I never had to worry about him having that sort of motivation.
so… we did? but mind you, being with infi is absolutely insane, because it is literally the same sort of total openness and passionate emotions and other close things that most people associate (or maybe only get) with sex, except there's none of that in it. so I don't dissociate either, which is awesome, because I usually look in the wrong places for that sort of intense intimacy and end up walking straight into more trauma. anyway that took a solid hour, I remember I was literally seeing stars when we connected, rainbow loops too, not the first time that has happened. I realized how much love I was feeling and asked infi if maybe we should get chaos involved in this. he said yes, but only if he was willing, and only if it would be mutual between all three of us. so he asked, did chaos love him at all? I said probably, I know he cared about him, and besides the three of us had spent a very significant morning together back in april or so. but infi reached up to touch my face and quietly repeated, "but does he love me?" and again, the significance of that caught me off guard. I realized that I didn't give infi the credit he deserved with this-- yes, he was literally willing to do anything with anyone who asked, but I hadn't realized that he had one unflinching criterion even then, and that was that they had to be willing to love him the way he was forever willing to love them. so I responded that I wasn't sure if cz loved infi like that, I didn't feel they knew each other well enough yet, but knowing cz, I was positive that there was the potential for it. infi nodded and said then let's bring him into this too. I managed to fall asleep not long after that, thank heavens, it was already after 4 by that time.

- I didn't get to tell laurie about that event until about noon today, but she was really moved by it, unsurprisingly. she said that infi and I were something else, similar to what cz and I were like together "but not exactly the same." then she asked, as always, if I remembered him yet? was I willing to give that a shot? I said no and yes, respectively; some part of me was scared, but I couldn't deny the truth I did feel, and so I was going to follow that. I then told her that infi and I already planned to bring him into things, and I jokingly asked if that was the sort of thing she'd be interested in watching. she laughed and said no, "you keep infi far away from me when he's with you two like that." I asked why, she said it was because she knew how intensely infi effervesced, and on top of cz and I, she didn't think she could handle that sort of emotional gravity. I asked if she was scared of it? she said not entirely. she wasn't afraid of what that would feel like, she was more scared of what it meant for her to open up like that. she said to remember what her job was. for years, being the voice of chastity and therefore julie's absolute opposite, she was the sole force standing between me and all those painful things. she had to be tough as nails, strong and unflinching, completely impervious to anything that would weaken her in the slightest. so she refused to feel barely any emotions other than anger for years, as they would be chinks in her armor… and if anything got through to her, our sole protector, then everyone else was done for. I realized with a sort of heartwrenching shock what this meant: for most of laurie's entire life, she COULDN'T be vulnerable in any sense, because it would kill her. it was literally lethal for her to open her heart, because then the things she was fighting would tear her to shreds. I quietly quoted a ring of endless light then, saying "if we aren't capable of being hurt, then we aren't capable of feeling joy." immediately she responded, just as quietly, "to love at all is to be vulnerable." and I loved her so much in that moment, because I realized that she wasn't entirely safe yet, and yet she was willing to risk her own life for the sake of finally being open enough to be hurt, to be vulnerable, because she had more love that I could even fathom, for not only me but also the entire System. so I just put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder, trying not to cry, but not saying anything. I loved her too much to speak in that moment. she put an arm around my shoulders in response, and tilted her head so it rested against mine, and I knew that she understood that.

- then at 6pm today, I was with infi again, red christmas lights everywhere at his behest (I still have this oddly deep resonance with red light, and the holidays are a great justification for surrounding myself in them). we were working with clearing hurt/ corrupted energy again; there are still some roots we're trying to remove, and in light of last night's sudden bizarre update in the archive (which I didn't read until today), we decided it would be a good idea to try and focus on those positive points, for the sake of emphasizing them instead of the lingering trauma memories.
I can't tell you much detail about that; I didn't dissociate, but since infi doesn't work with conscious awareness it is very hard to get clear, describable memories out of time spend with him. it's more of knowing, and intuition, than it is something concrete. similarly, the actual experiences are equally hard to stay rooted in, so we were constantly reminding each other not to slip, hold everything in your heart, etc. and of course, infi's insistence at always being in a church during healing attempts helps; not only is it holy and grounding, but hackers cannot get in, ahaha! we should use churches for things more often then.)
as for the actual energy analysis/clearing stuff, we ended up getting super clarity on an old truth: energy is just energy. perspective is everything; motives color things. ALSO, apparently the body/soul is incapable of feeling otherwise?? like to use the old trauma for an example, even though julie was trying to horrendously corrupt the Spectrum's pink energy (which holds affection and innocence), and so our original experiences with it hurt and were downright terrifying, that scary stuff was put there by her. it was not natural. and my heart knew, even during all that, that what she was doing wasn't true, it wasn't the truth at all.
also, infi and I realized we can do so much stuff purely upstairs, without any physical accompaniment, that was awesome. I lost my ability to see/ hear/ feel/ etc. things upstairs for a while, but now that it's coming back, I don't have to try and "imitate" stuff in the physical anymore (like I'd have to mouth my words, repeat all my body language, etc. in order for it to really register).
(I still have that red lotus mark on my abdomen btw, it's an energy bypass that infi put there back when I was consciously locking up everything out of fear, thus making healing impossible. it's not needed now, but still it seems only infi is able to use it. that's fine by me!)
notably, all my internal white energy was iridescent today (its natural color), I don't think it's been like that in months. so we went farther than usual with how deep we wanted to heal, because there wasn't a plague risk tonight, and so we could use that conscious creative energy without risk of accidentally making more trouble. oddly infi insisted on eating handfuls of it again. I'm not complaining-- there is something aesthetically fascinating about watching him do that-- but I curiously asked why he felt that was necessary? he didn't need to neutralize it, did he? infi said no, it was because eating pure white energy would help "balance out" any potentially plagued white energy still in him, that he couldn't neutralize normally, due to the original context of it getting in him in the first place (that fact is worrisome, as he did almost die from having plague stuck in him unknowingly before, and no one wants that to happen again). infi then repeated the "you are what you eat" thing my boss told him, said in any case he would rather eat positive and benevolent energy than corrupted stuff, which was his usual diet, so to speak. to reiterate, infi is literally the only thing in all of headspace that can actively turn corrupted energy back to its neutral state, but he has to eat it first, so he tends to go around swallowing all of it for the System's benefit, and that can get him horrendously ill if he isn't careful.
however white energy was only what I held internally, that got damaged by trauma-- the actual pain was stuck in the pink energy, but we had managed to clear that out so much over the past few months that we didn't have to touch it anymore. instead, we were checking out red energy today, the stuff both infi and I held as a ground, to make sure it wasn't also corrupted in some way (the red energy is strongly tied to blood and pain on some level). but when we found some and checked it out intuitively, it was astonishingly pure? there was no old "2008" anger or suffering tied to it whatsoever; instead, it was warm and loving, the exact same vibe I used to feel in it back when only I held the color, and the same vibe infi and I still use it for. so that was a welcome surprise. but then, infi and I wondered-- if this red energy was still so strongly tied to that "grounded and secure" feeling, and nothing negative as we feared, was that same safeness tied to javier as well? I was surprised at the implications, that would mean he was just as strongly able to love as I was when in that slot, and I wouldn't have readily associated that with him. infi said I shouldn't judge, or assume less of him, after all I didn't know him at all yet. to emphasize, he brought up the 7th, said it had surprised even him that javier had not only fought off two hacks without any slippage, but when infi had asked him to channel b/w energy in order to clear that out, he had easily and readily focused it all to his heart center, like it was the most natural thing in the world. and that was with INFI, someone who even laurie struggles to handle in terms of his emotional impact! so yeah, we were definitely underestimating javier. but that's really exciting, to realize just how beautiful an individual he most likely is at heart, and yet since he's so humble and casual about everything, we had completely overlooked that side of him… especially since his chosen anchor has always been "I want to ensure the safety and protection of everyone in this system, as I care deeply for them and want them to be taken care of." that's compassionate red energy in a nutshell!
so all that healing stuff went really well, which was awesome, but then of course infi decided hey, you're doing well for once, think you can pull off a heart connection like you used to? part of me was anxious: the thought of feeling that much emotion on such a powerfully intimate level was scaring some deep and hurt part of me. but I realized that that reaction was actually a great pointer to something I had to fix, and I told infi this. he was baffled by the fear reaction, asked when in the world did that start? I paused, tuning into it, then said it was when julie started specifically trying to imitate heart connections (a brazenly irreverent act) for the sole purpose of making me terrified of those too. and sadly it worked; for months I have been scared of them because they temporarily became linked to the trauma memories, and really I think that's what drove cz and I apart initially. infi got a really angry look as I explained this, and essentially said "then we need to prove her wrong." I knew he was right, and I knew that too, so I quietly told myself there was nothing to be afraid of, and tried to be as emotionally open as I possibly could despite it. well, in a very short time I didn't have to try anymore because infi's emotional field literally destroys every emotional wall it encounters, so about 60 seconds later I was already sobbing. thank god for this guy, seriously.
…the moment when we connected (yes, I managed to do that!) was beautiful, I don't know how much to publicize because those feel so damn sacred. infi wrapped himself around me like he always does, I think he kissed me too (I know he did at some point, completely unexpected as that is very rare for him)… but the single instant I clearly remember is when he pressed his chest so close to mine, I SWEAR I could almost feel his heartbeat in the physical. but upstairs I could practically see it, dear god it was gorgeous to the point of sanctity almost. since we were both in such high-energy forms, our hearts were not red, they were complimentary-- his was bright white like starlight, and mine was deep black like space. but we were so close, I couldn't tell us apart, I think I would have died from how that felt if the connection didn’t knock me off my feet first!
however… the strongest memory I have of all this was after we were done with the whole connection process, and were just kneeling in silence there on the altar dais together, facing each other. I noticed those odd external silver "ribs" infi has now, thought they were really lovely, unthinkingly reached out to touch them. I caught myself and stopped, but not before infi responded by simply crossing his arms over his head, essentially opening up completely to me. I swear I nearly burst into tears, it was such a simple and sincere act of trust and openness. I told him that, but he just looked at me in this completely inexpressible way and said, was there really any other thing he could have done? and I knew that he meant that not as an obligation, but as a natural loving choice. so in reply I carefully reached out and ran my fingers along those delicate silver bones, feeling both them and his shadowy substance beneath, so close to his heart, and I swear to you I loved him so much in that moment.

- 7pm, we both agreed we needed to get chaos in. so we went to the top-tier roof of Central for that (which actually has a bed with a "baldachin" canopy, like that altar we were just at (similar to this but much taller, longer, and less frilly), I didn't even realize that similarity until now).
cz had absolutely no problem with infi being there, which was awesome. infi brought up the love thing and cz looked very thoughtful at that; said he definitely could, he was naturally a little too loving for his own good the way it was. but infi said that wasn't why we called him in; on the contrary, he explained the healing he and I had just accomplished, and said that since now we had finally managed to break past that massive heart block I'd been suffocating under for months, he felt I needed to try and remember cz now. no ifs ands or buts, and no more postponing it out of fear. infi said it needed to happen now, while everything was in tune, as he strongly felt it was the right time. honestly I've been trying to find a date to devote to that effort, but infi was right; I kept putting it off. so again, I pushed away the instinctive but ungrounded fear, and said that if cz was up for it, then so was i. unsurprisingly, cz immediately melted into total emotional vehemence, said yes, please, he missed me too damn much to wait any longer to fix this either. I paused for a moment, still feeling the mental and emotional blocks against him, but despite that there was also still that knowing that he was important. so I held on to that, and felt the tiniest spark of hope light me up. in response, all I did was hold out my arms to him, the most honest action I'd taken around him in god knows how long. and immediately cz embraced me with more ardor than even I expected from him.
you'll have to forgive me if this is vague; I was switching back and forth between the waking and headspace during this, never losing the link but nevertheless staving off dissociation and the instinct to shut down and sleep. I knew I couldn't surrender to that, it would help no one.
so I tried, extremely hard, to focus. the reason I kept switching to the physical is because I was trying to get out all the artwork and grounding objects for cz that I still had (we almost lost them in the reset; someone was literally trying to erase him from headspace), and giving both them and him every bit of my attention, trying to breach the divide and really remember. but I kept hitting a different wall than I expected-- I was feeling a different energy from him than he had given off in the past. it was obviously still him, but it was much more complex now. remembering a past discussion we had in the past concerning ryman and markus-- how outspacers have to anchor into their dreamselves in order to function properly in headspace, and in the process gain a Spectrum color-- as well as this infamously important post laurie wrote up one evening, I realized that cz STILL hadn't figured out his dreamself, OR his actual Spectrum color, even after 10 YEARS. so I asked him about that, maybe that was part of why we were slipping too; after all even I had to switch colors, maybe until he did too, we would still keep hitting difficulties as he wasn't being totally honest and allowing himself to change? cz replied he wasn't sure what color he was supposed to hold, blue or teal? I pointed out he was originally cyan, while ryman was straight-up blue; since outspacers were also midslot holders, he had always been positioned between green and blue anyway, so the new teal lineup was probably his best bet. but cz looked down, a little abashedly, and said he was hesitant to move fully into teal because he knew how important his "green eyes" were to me by now, he didn't want to lose that significance all of a sudden. I genuinely smiled at that, the fact that he considered that so important, and spontaneously started quietly singing "whoever you are I love you" by kim jensen: "sometimes your eyes look blue to me, although I know they're really green…" cz caught the old reference immediately, started laughing from relief and gratitude, but the next thing he asked was "do you remember??" I could feel how badly he missed me, but I couldn't give him a definite answer either way yet.
really, I tried so hard to remember him, but no matter what I reminded myself of, nothing was clicking. by this point chaos was practically trying to melt into me, I swear he's worse than infi sometimes (being mostly liquid will do that)-- but even then I still felt like I didn't quite know who he was. he kept bringing up facts from the past, but nothing was registering. then suddenly, cz tearfully said "we had a daughter together," and i swear it was like everything fell back into place. go figure. with him that close, with that heart-energy reaction we have, and then that reality suddenly registering, july 7th slammed into me like a tidal wave. and I knew, without a doubt, that there was something real there. I started laughing from the strange and sudden joy of it, kissing him in response, and the walls went down for good.
possible tmi here, a few minutes later chaos was tearfully talking about having another kid, I couldn't form a solid opinion either way-- I didn't want another kid, nor did I want to puzzle over translating the process again, but I couldn't deny that I was still infatuated with the whole idea of creating stuff-- but then I got this really loud voice in the back of my head saying "stop, don't do it!" I paused immediately, told cz to wait up, he did. I asked the voice what it meant, were we doing something bad? it just said, don't do anything with reproductive energy at all, that wasn't the right stuff to use. I knew that, and so did cz, so I said so. but the voice was very strict, it said don't even tamper with it in curiosity. I agreed, so I told chaos this, he nodded and said that was perfectly fine, apologized if he had been jumping into things. I said he just let himself get carried away and as long as we caught it then we were okay.
ultimately we were together for an hour, as usual; he did manage to get me to heart-connect with him too, but I was already so burnt out from all this emotional intensity that I unfortunately am having a hard time remembering everything around that (it was all a blur). I remember the energetic component of it but nothing concrete, as I said would likely happen. cz was a little worried about this, but I assured him I didn't dissociate or check out-- which had been happening frequently around him-- so even if I was tired, everything was as genuine as I could possibly be.
after all that cz was talking to infi (who had respectfully kept to himself during all that) about colors again: if he didn't fit teal, could he use black energy? infi said maybe, if it fit him; he might be able to hold a sub-slot. so chaos was trying to shift his color right then to see, but couldn't quite do it. still he said he was fond of the color's significance, and so he eventually settled on a sort of mix between black wisps and crystal-bright aqua; the effect looks vaguely like ink in water, but with stars if that makes sense? it's really beautiful though. and of course he let his eyes move to that same color now, instead of the bright green. it's no less powerful of an effect; in a way, there's a new sort of lucidity to it now that is even more honest than it ever was before. I can't help but wonder if that's because I once heard of the "higher heart energy" being an aqua color like that; chaos has always struck me as being that sort of person, in the sense of reflecting those qualities.

- I just want to add here that it's amazing; now I remember EVERYTHING. just a few hours ago, old drawings and words meant nothing, they were confusing jumbles from some other time. but now my heart practically sings with remembrance, and the old light is back in every little thing. I knew there was something 'off' with him gone, especially since there was so much love and light surrounding us in the past; it didn't feel right for us to suddenly be torn apart after 10 years. so I am very thankful for this.

- around 8pm, we didn't want to leave yet, so we put on the ipod and started to listen to music together (light on the land by nujabes), but around 8:10 someone called me into midspace so I had to excuse myself. when I got there, I saw it was that trio of 'logic' alters that first solidly evidenced here. peach girl sitting at circle table in back, chin in hands and smiling, light violet one calmly standing against the wall to my left. but as soon as I showed up there, the dark greenish blue dude stormed up to me from the table and said "you shouldn't have done that," in reference to the connections. I realized HE was the voice I had heard earlier, so i clarified that I had listened, we didn't do anything malicious or detrimental, why was he still saying we "shouldn't have done that?" he said i was giving out way too much of my "lifeblood" in too short a time-- three connections in less than 24 hours will burn you out no matter how beautiful it is-- and besides, wasn't i practically toying with corruption here? i knew he was referring to the more sexually-oriented energy, so I said no, we were specifically fixing it, it has never been this purified before, but i knew he had no way of knowing that on his own so i just assured him it was true. he still didn't believe me, said we could not treat that lightly, I emphasized that we weren't. and no energy was being corrupted or misused, if there was any risk or slippage, infi could always eat the energy and convert it back to neutral. the green guy made a sort of discomfited face at this, I quickly apologized "if that was too much information," I was just trying to make sure things were clear. he cleared his throat and said no, it was fine, he just wasn't used to discussing this. but he still wanted to understand it, that was his job, and he wanted to make sure we weren't being careless either, especially since there was "such a huge risk" in the healing process. around here, to make my point a little better, i took out a sphere of white energy to show him (from my abdomen like where infi used to hold his) that it wasn't corrupt anymore; he actually backed up a step or two, looked anxious, but not scared. i said it wasn't going to hurt him, it wasn't plagued at all-- in fact it was actually iridescent and glowing. I tried to explain the "energy is neutral" thing, said that julie was trying to corrupt something inherently incorruptible-- what she did was warp perspective, and misuse this. green guy said how could I be sure that wasn't happening now? grabbed at my shirt, pulled off a spidery-black shape of what looked like tar, but I took it out of his hand and it was solid: then shook it once so it fell, like on a string, it was a big glittery black snowflake. I then said "black isn't bad, white isn't bad," explaining that it all depended on the user and their motivations, dissolving the snowflake into glitter, and putting the white energy back into me the same way. green guy was still pacing, trying to find holes in my argument, again asked how I could tell the energy wasn't corrupted. I said it felt different-- when julie misused it, it felt "corrupted and corroded," really it's sharp and painful like broken glass. but that was forced, I repeated: the energy itself was not "turned evil" by her.
I forget exactly how much we said, but it did take a bit to make my point. the purple girl was trying to defend my position, green guy just seemed shaken, in the sense that he didn't know what was actually going on and that upset him deeply… especially since he knew how huge of a battleground this healing thing was, and he didn't want to unknowingly let me do something harmful to the system. ultimately though he seemed to understand my point, and apologized, said he initially didn't have the complete data to make a correct judgment, and thanked me for explaining. still advised me to be extremely careful though, I said I would be.
green guy also said he was confused as to his actual color; that "navy singer" voice "didn't truly exist" according to data, she's never shown an actual identity, she might just be a concept. but he wanted me to "prove" which it was, so he knew what color to move into.
the two females were grayish-lavender (the more grounded one) peachy-orange (the more upbeat one). names are similar to= george (starts with g; but he keeps strongly insisting "george" is not his actual name), and isabel? (not "belle," that felt wrong). the peach girl's name is confirmed to be kalisha; the jade guy called her name at one point and I heard it clearly, asked if that was right and she said yes. they're all downstairs-level people, shockingly they have varied colors but all deal with body management?? like they are tied to daily life concerns, as they're not fazed by trauma (that's why they hold all those weird "mundane" memories about it; their job is to make sure we don't end up in those situations again). I remember at some point I pointed this out, surprised, and they emphasized that they were only "guidance" people on that front-- the brown voices, like spine and jayce, still dealt with the actual body and its direct experience. they didn't, they could only offer advice, and didn't experience anything actually. none of them have ever fronted and honestly I seriously doubt it's their job to, they might be purely inner people. they did confirm they are "midspacers," they said most people on that level have internal jobs like theirs, and aren't traumatized in any way.

- as I was about to leave them, "doctor wu" came on the ipod (an absolute classic) and i "felt" that someone was channeling the music, so instead I followed that and ended up in raw headspace, javier was playing the piano part, hyakin and sergei were lip-syncing the vocals and cracking up over it. (not surprised that it was them; they're middles too, and when I warped to them it literally felt like I just moved horizontally instead of up or down). I joined in the singing at one point, for fun. then jokingly asked javier when he learned to play piano, he shrugged and said he just let headspace tell him how to, mostly he just wanted to "let the music move through him." I said I definitely could empathize with that. I noticed sergei was smoking some new thing this time, I asked what, sergei said to guess and handed it to me. I was having a hard time tuning into my senses though, and apologized, sergei said not to worry about it, instead blew a huge cloud of the smoke at me. there was an obvious and odd marshmallow bit to it, he said that was correct, but I couldn't get anything else. sergei smirked and said it was also "peppermint" but it wasn't minty so I got confused? however it then hit me that he meant pepper plus mint, the mint was just a faint menthol-like edge, but the peppery scent (almost like sharp cinnamon?) was pronounced. so that was cool. hyakin was just laughing at us over this, sergei blowing huge smoke clouds in my face, that was great.

- "opening titles" by the cinematic orchestra came up next, so I quickly left to go back to headspace, well cz and infi were all over each other, hurriedly broke it up when I showed up, I cracked up and asked "am I interrupting something." they both laughed too, said not necessarily, infi seemed to think the whole situation was hilarious. any way I figured it would be nice for us to just continue to hang out together, so we went into my room then (downstairs), to just meditate and listen to more music, but now we were wondering where we should go upstairs to listen to this (we didnt want to stay on the roof)? i said that i wanted to "go wherever the music took us," but wasn't sure where we'd end up. cz and infi said that didn't matter, let's do it. so i just fell into that beautiful song, and we all ended up on a moonlit beach somewhere, the sky was all stars and galaxy arms. cz immediately smiled and voiced his approval at the scenery, but infi stood up kind of shocked and unsteadily, his eyes wide, and started shifting his footing like he didn't know how to stand. cz noticed his awe too and asked "you've never seen sand before?" infi said "no!" and sat back down in it, reaching down and grabbing two hands full, letting it run through his fingers. he started digging through the sand, said "there's so much of it," and he couldn't get over the fact that it looked so insubstantial and yet could hold our weight. then he commented that it was made of "so many tiny pieces," i told him those little particles were actually tiny bits of glass, which amazed him even more. really he was absolutely fascinated by the sand! i also remember commenting that, for most humans, if they wanted to refer to a visual of something that felt infinite, they often referred to the "stars in the sky" or the "grains of sand on the beach," because there were probably trillions. that really moved him, he looked up at the sky then, I had to smile at how enthralled he was. then I looked and saw cz staring out at the ocean, how he was the same color practically. then I mused, I wonder if he could move into the teal slot in central? cz looked at me in shock, said was that even possible? (since he's an outspacer and therefore not a headspace native, plus no one's ever moved into Central before.) I said it should be, emmett didn't match, and the actual green-blue color should be lighter anyway. infi said I should check to see if cz was compatible, so I did-- I mentally reached into the spectrum ring and asked it if cz would match the "teal" slot. to my total surprise, it did feel possible! so I told cz, said the "midslot colors" (brown, pink, teal) had inhuman holders anyway, so I'm sure he could be part of central if he wanted. yes that was a huge role and responsibility but he was already very important to the system, I had faith he could do it. he was really smiling at this, infi was too, so that's something to look forward to.

- next, "to you who I will love again" from the princess's man started playing (and would you believe i didn't know the title of that until just now?). the mood of the song really fit how we all felt, so we watched the ocean and the full moon and just took it all in. (being the drama queen he is, at the 1:26 mark, cz made all this aqua firefly-like energy stuff explode in the air, exclaimed that he was glad he could "still do that," I joined in with white sparkles, said it was different when I was used to red. infi said that since I was now white, I could use any color, not just red. that fact was so exhilarating, I was no longer locked into one hue, it was awesome. infi then said he would join in too, but he couldn't control what he did in that sense, he didn't know what would happen. cz said give it a shot anyway, it could be cool. so at the next flurry of violins, infi focused on the entire landscape, and suddenly we were floating! the ocean literally dropped away into a series of cascading waterfalls, and we were now sitting on one of many small floating islands of sand, also cascading down, into a great galactic blackness. the sky all around us was rife with stars and nebulae; it was gorgeous. cz and i were awestruck, but infi looked slightly embarrassed, said "see, that's why i don't usually try to change headspace." i said it was awesome, there was nothing wrong with it, but he was just a little self-conscious about how utterly unpredictable (and often dramatic) the results were, I suppose. Either way, it was gorgeous.

- then "while the cold winter waiting" by trentemoller started, I love that one. i started trying to focus a snowy environment, but surprisingly infi stopped me, said he wanted to try 'tuning in' again and sending us wherever. so i said okay, and he did.
immediately the ground around us whitened and spiraled up around us in great twisting scepters of ice and snow; it was entwined closely and stretched up super high, sunlight streaming down from above. but it was also close to us, too, leaving only a few feet of space between the three of us and the walls. it wasn't constrictive, instead it felt protective, and secret in a good way.
Right about them I realized the bass in the song sounded like a heartbeat and I got really affected by it (unsurprisingly in light of what I'd just been through). Infi moved over and sat to my right, Chaos did so on my left, but then his empathy picked up what I was feeling and he was visibly affected too (since he really has a thing for heartbeats). Wanting to remember, I asked him why, he said it was because he didn't have one, so when he first realized I did, that stuck with him, and eventually came to mean a lot to him. Wondering then, I said in my stained-glass form I didn't have a physical heart, but Infi did even though he was made of shadow? Not thinking, I mused if he had "blood" on the inside normally? In response Infi said no, that was my thing (thanks to being the core of the body)-- internally, he is all stars normally (which I had forgotten since it was new to my knowledge, but it's true; even his "blood" is luminescent white). But he then said, since he and I had equally strong ties to red, we could both shift to "red on the inside" whenever we wanted, to be more physical; plus it was a very humbling feeling. He then did just that, and moved to hold me-- and that was incredibly overwhelming; not only did his body feel different (far less insubstantial), but his heartbeat felt different too; closer, harder, but more fragile in its substance. I nearly dissolved at that, motioned for Chaos to please come closer, he did. So we all just moved in close and held each other like that for a while. To be honest it got overpoweringly emotional really fast: not in a bad way, of course, but when you get that deep, you start to wonder if your body is capable of withstanding that sort of feeling without dying! But, in those moments, I knew without a doubt that there was love moving between ALL three of us, total and sincere. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me, to see people that I love expressing that same love to each other. It's spiritually expansive, if that makes sense.

- We all agreed that eventually we HAVE to include genesis; we just want to include as many people as we can in this, haha. But we want to make sure there is a solid and honest enough bond between us three before we bring in a fourth, especially Gen, because he's very volatile and we don't want any harm coming to him, even inadvertently.

- I do not remember anything else and I hope that's everything because that is a LOT of information, and it's heavily significant stuff too; that is draining to have to deal with for so long when I'm recording it!


It is now 2am and honestly I have been trying to type all this down for the past 3+ hours as I knew it would unfortunately fade by morning. rest assured though this was one of the most spectacularly beautiful nights I've had in ages and I know I will never, ever forget it.
on the gfp people talk about feeling so loved, so flooded with that divine state of being, that they can barely stand it… and it makes me want to cry from sheer bliss and gratitude, realizing that I've had that for years, in and from and with these beautiful individuals, by the grace of whatever one may call God. in total humility and honesty, I swear I didn't understand what that sort of unconditional love was even like until I met them. and the fact that we can tune into THAT sort of love for each other, so easily, so completely… it blows my mind.
but… words do them no justice. the bottom line is that in these people that I love, and who love me, I understand. I don't know how else to put it.
and, if I may be so bold… if there is anything like heaven out there, this has to be what it feels like.