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prismaticbleed
TRACK 68 (December 12 2013)
(Laurie) Yo 'sup, Jay. This is Laurie, I'm in the car with Genesis on your voice recorder, it's December 12th 2013…uh, 12:09 PM… we're on our way to E.N. -- why the heck am I giving you this introduction?-- Point is, I was talking to your therapist just now, and, the… topic of the day is, "we gotta talk about the Q thing." Uh, thing I figured out though, was that you're trying to figure out why the heck are you getting triggered by Q? Garrison handed me a piece of paper, aiite? All it was was a freakin' photo of that memory you keep getting from the kitchen, when you were in Salt Lake City? And I don't know what the heck was going on, all I know is that it is literally a snapshot of Q standing there like five inches away from your face, doing nothing, or holding at least one of your hands and staring at you like you're a freakin' pet. And I don't mean like… that's one thing that I can see why that- that -- I mean, that would bother the heck out of me, Gen. I mean he was literally just staring at this kid like he was expecting something. And when you get that kind of reaction you trigger either Spinny, or one of the numb voices, and that freakin' ticks me off. But, it wasn't the kid's fault, he didn't know, don't freakin' blame him, he was doing what probably Mel wants him to do and what he knew how to do. Problem was, it affects you in a really detrimental manner, and that's what we're gettin' flashbacks to. My point is, I was looking at this memory and I realized there's no bloody affection tied TO that stuff! You were probably thinking he's looking at you the way he looks at Mel so you had to act like Mel and that is NONSENSE. And if you try to do that, the next time you get this Q stuff triggered, I'm gonna cut your bloody head off. I'm serious! Because that is utter nonsense, Jay. I gotta anchor, I'm slippin'. That's freakin' ticking me off too-- let me turn this down. *lowers CD volume* Todd Rundgren is boss but seriously, I need to be louder than he is right now.
Um… geez what was I saying. Point is, you're gettin' triggered with the Q thing, when Chaos looks at you? Please do realize that when Q looked at you, there was no recorded affection, at least none that registered. That action, that look, don't match the definition, at all. When Chaos looks at you-- geez, kid, I am in that room every bloody time you two are together, I have seen the way that man looks at you and he adores you, alright? I'm serious. I mean… *frustrated sigh* …No, I'm tryin' ta gather my thoughts on this without… Chaos does not look at you the way Q looks at you, Jay. He doesn't. He never did, alright? He doesn't look at you and expect a reaction. He looks at you the way Infi does. If you wanna have this bloody detachment from yourself, I can tell you for sure, when… seriously kid. When CZ looks at you it's cause he loves you and he's not expecting you to do anything in return, he's just trying to share that stuff, alright? If it's changed recently it's cause he's bloody paranoid at the fact that you keep shuttin' the heck off. And I would be too, y'know, if you tried to, freakin' show that you love somebody and they just shut down… he's probably checkin' to make sure you're still there, kid! …And he gets kudos from me for doing that, because he's not going into that stuff blindly like Q apparently did. And I'm not blaming the kid! The kid didn't know. But the point of the matter is… that's not what's happening here. Kid didn't know, that's what happened. That isn't what Chaos is doing! So calm down with the Q thing, nothing he's doing is what that kid did! Aiite? So stop generalizing stuff. …Yeah, no kidding I'm gettin' mad, Gen; well how would you feel if he did this stuff to you? *pause* He does-- Jay, Gen is telling me you do do that stuff to him. *pause* Aiite, let's bring this up. Gen is telling me you don't wanna talk to him because, you don't wanna deal with the whole relationship thing. *pause* …Yeah I'm trying not to slip, th-this stuff is difficult. *sigh* Genesis said that you're trying to do the people-pleasing thing with him "and that is nonsense," and thumbs-up because that is nonsense but watch your attitude. Point-- ye-- seriously though, Jay. I don't know if you're getting-- if people are getting triggered, and you're splitting cause you're the core and those people were cores in the past, but… tell 'em to buzz off, because that is not what should be happening here. You don't bloody need to please anybody. Genesis loves you for who you are, not for who you're trying to be. Same thing with Chaos. Same thing with me, for heaven's sake, same thing with Infi. *pause* …stuff. I'm tryin'a be mad at him, but… we're slipping into dangerous territory. I don't wanna break down on the freakin' road for heaven's sake. *pause* Agh. geez. All I know is that, you're wear-- I'm-- geez. I'm wearing this ring, this is yours, not mine. But I mean, man, just being in the same body that's wearing this ring, it's making me realize how bloody important that is, and that just… that's stuff that I'm usually not comfortable feeling, like, that kind of… magnitude of personal relevance and stuff? *lowers CD volume again* Todd's gonna get turned down a little more… yeah, this is, a great song and all, but I mean for heaven's sake, there's gotta be something else I can put on. *pause, song changes* Nah, I'm skippin' CDs, Gen. Uh, 'scuse me, disc 2? sheesh, come on. *pause* It's not. You know what, to heck with that, I'm turning that off and I'm just gonna talk without any music in the background because I need to be honest.
What was… *sigh* what was I saying, 5:55 on the voice recorder, I'm slipping and I don't like this stuff… *pause* Fact of the matter is, Jay-- *sigh* I'm slipping, someone's gonna have to take over for me, but before I leave, what I wanna say is that this ring, right here, that's yours… with CZ, you only bought it, because you love this guy. I was gonna say because of… the te--- because of the 7th, come on. Y'know that's relevant too. Do not confuse the 7th with twen-- with the 29th, it happened afterwards and it was unrelated. And I think that shows that there's still confusion going on with this stuff. *pause* Confusion going on with motivations, Gen. That was the 29th, and this was the 7th, also the 23rd, neither of those things had anything to do with sexuality, and the kid keeps getting them freakin' confus-- I mean there ain't nothing wrong, with-- now that we know what sexuality is. It's not the freakin' physical act. It's the kind of stuff that Jay, ended up getting shoved into Eros, and then Eros got corrupted and that is STILL a huge freakin' part of this problem because it means that we were taking that and making it synonymous with the other half. *pause* The physical stuff. That's literally not what sexuality is. No. geez, didn't you get the memo? *pause, frustrated sigh* The mem-- the memo is-- y'know what, you know Infi? How we were all like, "why the heck is Infi so bloody sensual when he's not even a sexual being?" Like, what the heck? We figured it out, it's because this sexuality stuff, it deals with creation energy, which is life energy, which you don't need the freakin' physical thing for, which is what all the corrupted voices are tied to, y'notice? They're tied to that, and not the actual energy that's involved in this stuff? Which is what this is about? It's about wanting that. It's that bloody "merge drive," which he hasn't talked about in months and yet I know he still has that going on but he keeps thinking it's sexual and it’s NOT, for heaven's sake Jake it isn't. …Now I'm saying "Jake," and that shows how ticked I am because I'm referring to you by that kid… feels like I could yell that at him too. That's kinda where this stuff came from in the first place, was him thinking that was literally that same freaking thing, and-- that is nonsense, Jay for heaven's sake it's nonsense. It's not the same bloody thing! I don't care what the Mormons told you. I don't care what the heck they told you that you had to-- whatever the heck what they were doing, forget what they did! Wipe the static out of your head, forget it! That doesn’t apply to you, just freaking forget it, Jay! *pause* I know. Genesis is saying I'm getting off topic, I'm getting distracted-- I've been talking for-- holy swords, 8 minutes, and probably 15 minutes in the therapists office, geez, kid… I'm always the one trying to get you back in shape.
*pause* Someone's trying to make me-- freakin' front-split… it's-- it's the, whoever is identified with this body. Sheesh; I gotta put my own, energy overlay over this stuff. That makes it seriously surreal to look down and see this garnet on my finger, you know that Jay? 'Cause this stuff is yours. It's yours and it's CZ's. What I'm trying to say about that is… *pause* Genesis has a good point, he says is it somethin'-- "is that something that could be put into words?" and it ain't. It really isn't. *pause* 'Cause I look at that stuff, kid, and I see dedication. I see what I see when I look at the both of you two, okay? And I don't want that getting corrupted because-- you do realize, kid, that the reason that's-- that was so freakin' important to me is because for years, I didn't unders-- *laugh* well, not that I didn't understand… it's that I was forbidding-- forbidden, from being vulnerable or open in the way that you two are with each other. And then when I saw that stuff with you people, and it started getting through the chinks in my armor… I mean… geez. Kid, that means a lot to me, y'know? Cause you taught me how to… you pretty much… taught me how to love, all right? As cheesy as that sounds, its true. If it weren't for you, kid… I, don't think I'd have figured this out… y'know, in a way that, wasn't attached to pain and punishment and stuff. And then with you and CZ and… with the way… geez. It kinda just taught me that there was different ways to relate to people than burying a bleedin' axe in their skull all the time to show that I care? But… *sigh* really, kid, you two have something, all right? You really do. And, I mean, yes you and Infi are close, but there is something between you and CZ that just can't be imitated-- don't lose that, for heaven's sake, kid… don't confuse it with this other nonsense because that's not what it is. *pause* Yeah. I mean seriously, Gen is saying, you-- yeah, but I already said that. geez, how many times do I have to say it before it freakin' registers, kid? You understand this sexuality stuff and that's why you were getting it confused. Because although-- it is literally-- you can put the two things together, and get something that's totally not what you were going for. And that's what the corrupted people, were doing, that's what they did with Julie for heaven's sake, don't drag her back into that living hell as well because that was literal hell for the both of you, and I do NOT want to see her dragged into this stuff too. NOT after her, she-- f-finally dragging herself out of this Tar stuff, okay? Pink is affection. Pink is pure affection and compassion and that stuff and the fact that Pink, got shoved into the sexuality stuff with lust, that is not just nonsense, it's evil. And I know what Q said back then and since then I think that freaking word got burned into your brain, and you know what I say? shut up, Q, for saying that-- no offense to that kid, but seriously-- shut up, for saying that when you didn't realize what the heck you were doing to my kid's brain. shut up. And buzz off. And Jay, you need to get that entirely of your head because it's nonsense! And I do not want you wr-- getting that bloody word, confused with CZ, because he's not capable of that.
Y-y'know, you were talking about translation issues, kid? You ever wonder if maybe Q didn’t understand the side of it that INFI understands?? That his normal human body and brain had no other freaking way to translate that stuff because he only understood that side of it? He saw those two pieces of this one single thing, he never had the experience that you have had, with Infi-- that JULIE, never even had, until she was with Infi two bloody days ago, and we had a freaking meltdown because SHE didn't understand that stuff until then either. Genesis is saying "Laurie calm down"-- I'm trying to calm down, Gen, but I'm FURIOUS, okay?? I'm actually furious. Because that's seriously where this stuff came from, it's because Q freakin' told you that there was lust involved and for heaven's sake, there WASN'T. I know CZ better than Q ever bloody will, almost as well as you do, and you know I have every right and experience in saying that stuff. Because I've been with him when you were with him kid, and I've caught pieces of what he's actually feeling and there is not a single ounce of lust in it, and if Q is going to tell you that there was, FORGET HIM. There wasn't. *voice breaks* And for heaven's sake, if that's what you're picking up when you say to "stop doing the Q thing" then kid, for heaven's sake, you need, to fix your distorted perspective because that is not what is happening. Go talk to Infi, okay? You and CZ and In- Infi seriously need to get the heck back together because when the three of you are together there's no bloody confusion and you know it. Because Infi refuses to let you see, the freakin' side that Q made you think was there, because Infi doesn't deal with that either, I mean for heaven's sake you thought it did and you were projecting that on him and that's how the poor guy got so bloody sick! He was diseased, he almost DIED. Did you forget that?! Genesis, heaven's sake, if I wanna yell I'm gonna yell I'm ticked. *pause* Gen you're not allowed to front, let me know. *pause* Genesis is yelling now-- *sigh* aah, geez. He says to tell you, that he loves you too, and you won't let him get close to you, because, you keep confusing it with that stuff. And good! I'm glad you're mad about that because that's nonsense. *pause, sigh* But yeah, you're getting everything confused, Jay. This Q stuff, is literally based on him not freaking understanding a bloody thing. FORGET him! All right? You're not the person who was fronting back then, yes those mem-- those memories are attached to you now, because you're the main fronter, but, even if we have to drag out Cannon or Spinny or whoever the heck actually dealt with that stuff, and tell them that it was nonsense? We will do it. Point of the matter is, kid… forget that. It's not your life, there was a Scratch, there was a freaking Scratch-- that's in a dead timeline!! That shouldn't even apply! If you have no other hope-- yeah, Gen, seriously, get the big eyes because this is important stuff… if you have no other source of hope but that, think of it. October 2012, is a dead timeline. We moved on from that stuff. And I don't care if the only reason you're holding on to that is because of the channel. Think about what you've had with CZ since then. You don't need to go through somebody else to feel that, he loves you and you love him, you don't need a middleman!! For heaven's sake, Jay, just go upstairs and talk to him, he's right there. You are outsourcing your own love and that ticks me off, okay? …Geez, kid. I mean, listen, I've been around Infi once. That close. …I don't know how to freakin' explain that sort of emotional maelstrom that I got from him but the fact that you describe Chaos with those same two words says a lot to me.
*pause* I'm repeating myself, kid. Point of the matter is, this Q stuff is nonsense, we need to get together and talk tonight-- you, me, CZ, maybe Infi, maybe Genesis, Genesis is raising his hand and we should let him in… *pause* He says he never talked to Q; *shaky laugh* thank God! So he should know. And I mean nothing against those two kids. Mel was a really sweet kid. Q was a great kid too! But for heaven's sake Jay, they didn't have the whole freaking picture. Yeah, Mel's technically a water kid but they feel totally freaking different from Chaos, okay? It’s a whole different animal with those two. *sigh* They were close enough in terms of… y-y-you can't put, you can't that stuff into words, okay? It was water, it was huge, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional. But, Mel understood that, I think, better than Q did. *sigh* geez I'm slipping. I'm gonna let somebody else front… but, kid, for heaven's sake, talk to me, all right? We gotta figure this stuff out, I'm sl-- the reason I'm slipping is because I'm not used t… my overlay isn't matching, outside, when I'm like this. But--- I love you kid, okay? For heaven's sake, I love the life outta you, you mean more to me than anything else in the freaking world, and when I see this stuff happen between you, and CZ, and Genesis, and Infi, and-- Genesis don't be looking at me like that, you know it's the truth. Kid, I love ya and I love your kid *laugh* just as much as I love you and for heaven's sake, *voice breaks* I don't want to see this stuff tearing you people apart. *sniff* I mean… I don't know why the heck that just came back into my brain, but… when that stuff happened… ah, geez, was it this January? …It had to be. When you went straight-up crazy, and you-- *dry laugh* nearly freakin' killed me… tore my bloody stomach out. Kid you realize I was willing to risk my life for your sake? And you nearly eviscerated me? And I still came running back to try and save your life? But the fact is… there was something Chaos said, and he basically said that he didn't know how to tell his daughter, that he didn't know… whether or not to tell her "I don't know if your other dad loves you anymore?" Do you have any idea how much that-- *voice strained, stops* …it breaks my heart, kid. The fact that that was actually something he had to consider at some point in time. And yeah, guess what? That's a dead timeline too. That stuff was erased. And if there's anything that gives me hope it's the fact that that stuff is gone. And that's not tied to our timeline any more but INFI IS. Okay?? Infinitii is in this timeline, he was born from this timeline… and the fact that he was born from this timeline means that Xenophon was too, for heaven's sake, because that’s his… that's her mother. All right?
*pause, sigh* Man. I'm really torn up over this. Because now that I can finally see exactly what's playing into the fact that you're terrified of Chaos when he looks at you because you're thinking it's that kid from Utah and it’s not… *sigh* Genesis says, I… "I think you made your point, Laurie!" Yeah, I think I have too, I've been talking for 18 bloody minutes. But geez, kid, I don't wanna be the person coming out and telling your therapist all these problems when you can tell her the same exact thing yourself… heaven's sake kid, heaven's sake. *pause* Listen, I love you… and I love CZ, as, my legit BFF, all right? Genesis too, and I love your kid but there is something between you and CZ and Infi that I can never hope to emulate, because… *dry laugh* I can't bloody wrap my brain around that stuff. All I know is that I watch you two people and it's a religious experience… and I don't want to see that corrupted, all right? I don't want to see you trying to write that stuff down by someone else's experience-- their experiential rules. Fact of the matter is I'm trying to make a parallel between the religious exper-- maybe-- let's-- you know what? That's probably the bloody problem. It's not religious, it's spiritual. This is the heart and soul, kid, and you're trying to say it's something that's either Mormon or Christian and that's just missing the point. That kind of labeling is total nonsense, and if you try to say it isn't-- sheesh, Genesis you're right, I've gotta stop yelling. Kid, listen to this when you get home, talk to me, we've gotta have a Xanga session tonight, tomorrow is Friday, I don't know what the heck's gonna happen Friday but we need to talk. The instant you get your ass home you sit it the heck down at that computer and let's talk about this stuff. Okay? We need to have this figured out for Tuesday. I've got it figured out, but I want to talk to you, both of you about it-- kid don't you freaking dare chicken the heck out on me, because I know you want to talk about this just as much as I do, but the walls are around your heart now instead of mine, and that breaks my heart down, seeing that stuff, because I don't want the walls to move I want them to disappear and if I've gotta drag Infi in here to do that then I swear I will. I will drag him in here, and we will demolish every single wall around anybody, I don't care if I'm curled up on the floor bawling my freaking eyes out, kid if it means that you're gonna see something without this bloody obstacle in front of your eyes for the first time in how many months? It'll be worth every iota of pain I have to deal with, all right? I don't care what I have to suffer. I don't care if I have to take a knife to the face. *laugh* If it means that you'll be able to look at CZ with the same eyes you looked at him with last year… and July 7th? Not on these bloody confusing days. I want you to look at him and see him and not this ghost of a kid from Salt Lake City because for heaven's sake if I have to get on Facebook and chew him the heck out I will. All right? Point of the matter is, kid, don't forget the truth here. Check your freaking facts! Talk to Jo, talk to Infi, talk to me! Just-- if you're lost, I mean-- geez why the heck am I not saying talk to Chaos? For heaven's sake… kid, he's your other half! You're freaking married to him, he's your husband, you're his husband, for heaven's sake… "cosmically inseparable" means just that, kid. All right? I know that truth just as well as you do and you keep bloody ignoring it because you're terrified for some freaking reason, I don't know why! Why the heck are you so scared? I'm not scared! *laugh* heaven's sake, I'm more scared of Infi than I'll ever be of CZ, and the only reason I'm scared of-- wait, sheesh, that's probably the point, isn't it? 'Cause Infi tears my walls down. When I'm around Infi it makes me feel like I'm totally bloody open and I've never had armor in my life. And I'm covered in scars that you refuse to even look at, kid. I'm covered in-- in graves. *deep breath* Old and deep graves that you won't even acknowledge that happened. And you know why that breaks my heart? It's because… the motivation behind that stuff was always the same and that's why I hate this hacking situation 'cause for heaven's sake kid, now that I see it, *voice breaks* the reason that you let yourself be dragged into this stuff is 'cause they were doing the same thing to you they were doing to Julie. *sniff* …You went into this disaster looking for love and they told you that that wasn't what you really wanted and that's an absolute lie. You never wanted the-- the frankly criminal acts they passed off as love or romance or whatever the heck. No one does, not deep down, ever. They've all been lied to, too. No, all of you, and especially you, kid-- you wanted love, real love. And that’s the only thing Chaos will ever give you and if you think that it's not? …I'm gonna drag you, and him, and Infi, and me, into one room, and then I'm gonna leave… and I'm gonna leave you in there with Infi and Chaos, and then I'm gonna tell Infi to leave, and you're gonna be stuck there, until that wears off, and you're gonna be s-- forced to just look at him with-- clear eyes for the first time in I don't even know what the heck I'm trying to say. *voice breaks* I'm torn up about this situation, kid. *sniff* I'm your protector. I'm the violet voice up here. I'm supposed to make sure everybody in the System… *sigh* freakin' functions, aiite? …And I don't know why, but… I don't know if it's because-- or, not even 'because,' but if it's the reason why I ended up getting that Angel Helmet handed to me? But I feel like that stuff's something I've gotta protect too. Geez… *laugh* Listen, kid... I love your daughter, okay? She's the sweetest thing… *sigh* and if you can look at her other father and say anything… that's not the complete truth, then I don't know where you're looking, kid. *voice breaks* Look at her and then look at him. You won't get confused, I guarantee it. Seriously, you can't-- you're looking at two different realities kid, I'm gonna hit stop on this, there's 4:44 right in front of me, there was 5:55 on here… God, come on, give me some synchronicity, okay?? Loud as anything. Just… somewhere. For me and for the kid. I gotta see something. Gen says I'm looking too hard. I probably am. I'm just bloody desperate. Everything feels like there's synchronicity behind it, everything feels like it could be relevant right now, kid. And I think that's more synchronicity than seeing triple numbers everywhere I look. *pause, laugh* That could be something. We got three double-Os in a row, and if that means anything it's three freakin' infinity symbols. And then 333 right in front of-- what the heck! *laugh* Gen is, is gawking at-- there you go.
…Kid, I'd say that’s relevant enough. I've gotta leave, I am literally burning myself out, I really… don't wanna deal with this stuff. We're at E.N., we're gonna be there in like five seconds, and I want-- if you're not gonna front, I'll let Jo front or somebody, or the AP or something… point of the matter is kid, I love you, so freakin' talk to me… we've got the truth here, it's unearthed, it's dug the heck up, from, wherever the heck it was… let's just get this… bloody acknowledged for sure, okay kid? --sheesh, where the heck am I gonna park? Looks like we're going to the lower lot. Why the heck are there so many people at E.N. today? what the heck. Ah well, we're parking back here. …But kid, I know, that in your heart, you understand this just as well as I do, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get this stuff, it's there… if you're tied to White and Black energy that means that you can tie int-- you can tie into this stuff just as well as I can, you know what I'm trying to say. Kid, don't blind yourself to the truth, all right? Don't. Don't ever blind yourself to this. *pause* Gen is saying, just, close up. Yeah… you're right, I'm just gonna close this stuff up.
Kid… talk to me. That's all I'm gonna say. It's just… when you hit stop on this, whenever you're going to re-listen to it, talk to me for heaven's sake. Okay? We will get this figured out-- you're not broken, nothing is broken, nothing is wrong, nobody is evil up here. *pause* Just… sheesh. Feels like there's something I should say to close it up, Gen… *pause* Genesis says to remind you that we all love ya. And y'know, maybe that's the only thing. Love conquers all, y'know? The only thing that can beat the hell out of the Tar. …Maybe that’s what you're losing sight of, kid. Maybe you're getting too bloody confused in trying to label that stuff, that you're forgetting what it actually is. Go spend some time with Infi. Have him rip your walls down and then tell me what you see when that's not in front of your eyes.
