the spectrum heart cathedral system

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

 

I am so sick of hacks.

the entire body hurts. I am so sick.
I want to throw up and vomit forever. it feels like I was punched in the stomach. it's an awful sick-deep feeling. like something is wrong. like someone just jammed all this dead fat or plastic wax in there. just empty, dead, hollow hard white shit. it's terrifying and it hurts and it makes me so so so so so sick

sugar and razor atoned for it, they told the fronter "you're not gonna fcking run"

garrison is sad over this?? he said these hacks are so weird because they happen in less than two minutes and they aren't even conscious. they are semi-obligatory, mostly now they are IMITATIVE. they are completely "selfless" in the idea of "I must imitate that person. I must do this FOR THEM, because they did it." it's really fcking horrible and bizarre
so it's half obligation, but mostly mirroring.
it's stupid as hell

we're very sick
we tried to go to our hormone appointment this morning but the turnpike was shut down and we got stuck in deadlock traffic for 90+ minutes
so we got there late and then they couldn't take us so we had to leave
the father drove us, he was so upset about everything, we felt horrible
plus he's having so much trouble at his workplace, there's a big company building a warehouse right behind his garage, it's flooding and collapsing the hills and destroying streets and the county commissioners are pissed and he answered like 20 phone calls while we were on the road.
but
"i" was trying to pray on the turnpike, "please get us there," "mary undoer of knots," etc.
and it was terrifying, terrifying
because every time I tried to pray to a christian figure their mental image would say "no, we're not going to help you," when I asked why, "because we hate you"
"because you're trans and we don't want you to be trans and we hate you"
"because you're already a whore"
I knew they were demons, no good holy person would talk like that
I told them that and they got pissed and violent
the one pretending to be mary tried to strangle me
it was all very disturbing
I tried asking quan yin, although I was scared she would demand worship and slavery too, but she didn't? she said she'd help. and what she said she'd do, happened.
so I don't know if that was legit or not but she at least was nice and listened and didn't spit at me and didn't demand I "pay her back" in blood or something similar just for "daring to ask."
I said I am NOT comfortable with worshiping ANYTHING, there's too much trauma tied to that, I absolutely cannot do that. she said that's fine, she just asked for reverence and respect, I said I could easily do that. as long as I wasn't yoked-in for life by the neck, just for praying to her once.

this spiritual stuff is so existentially terrifying, it's so bad lately

I was sitting in a car for upwards of 8 hours today but here I am sitting down again now
I shouldn't be but the leg is bleeding and I'm sad and tired and standing is just going to give me bad posture at this point.
we really should go walk in the kitchen later, maybe, for an hour. I don't know.


we're still at one of those points where "hatred for headspace" is permeating EVERYTHING.
jewel doesn't quite hate it, but she is utterly fed up with it and really doesn't like associating with it, because LO AND BEHOLD the "gap" is back, she can't work on the League while headspace is around, and so she's not happy.
jessica and christina still hate the system and want it dead, whatever that means for them they don't care, I don't think they're even thinking about that future.

oh on that note. we pinpointed the whole "lilac killer girl" person they ARE christina marie!!
the girl WE've been calling "christina" lately, the one in the chapel with the third eye, two nights ago she chose the name PATRICIA instead, so.
the REAL "christina marie" IS THE ONE WHO CAUSED THE LOCKOUT IN 2013. she STILL has the mindset of "dear god please kill everyone in headspace thank you!! <3" which is really scary but that's it. she hates us in a "good christian" way, basically "they're corrupt and it would be better for everyone if they just stopped existing" so she does not care about us at all.
she's definitely tar-infested to an extent. she has the hidden malevolent edge, we've seen it.

chaos is currently going by the name serenity. yes, really. ze's been considering it for a while and about 3, 4 days ago ze said flat-out to use that name for zir instead, whenever possible.
I don't know if we ever said, ze was actually using "mare serenitatis" as a pseudo-name for months before now. "sea of serenity." so no one's really surprised in here.


jeremiah found out something important about david today. you know how david is always crying "mommy help" when he's scared? but every time a "mother figure" or woman shows up he gets scared, cowers, and says "no, no?"
well. that is because he apparently sees the word "mommy" as referring to a PERSON, gender irrelevant, who is SAFE and PROTECTIVE and will keep him shielded from harm. he said "mommy help" is "what you say when you want help," NOT a call for a specific mother figure.
he was always confused over the whole "mother" concept anyway, i was really baffled when he started asking for "mommy" to be honest. it just happened. but i think that's internalized imitation too. "little children cry for their mothers when they are scared!" so it just happened, because it "had to."
why the hell can't we seem to fully reprogram our mind to STOP IMITATING PEOPLE LIKE THAT
IT'S TOXIC

we do have the beginning hints OF a "mother figure" up here, which again doesn't surprise me, because when we started watching steven universe, rose quartz was like the ideal for it. i wouldn't say she had "outspacer" vibes, but she still was resonating as a concept. so. there is a vague person in the BLACK spectrum right now who looks similar to rose quartz, but with this appearance vibe? and the traditional black sparkle color of course. also she's HUGE like she lives in floatspace, she's more concept than person and might sttay that way?
i'm just worried about her because black energy is still dangerous and we do not want our first possible mother figure ever getting corrupted in any way


i'm sorry
this is like the fifth candle i forgot i lit and it spilled all over this computer
one day its going to just break and then i'' ll really have no excuse. i'll have to do all my work on paper again and no more fcking hprrible intetrnet corruption either

i've been dissociating so badly and so severely lately it's scary

that;s it for this entry i'm fed up with this shit for now. i'm sorry.
iwa tnt to just forget all ovfthis exists and do something GOOD for once
i forget what its like to be happy
oi forgethe what its like the be happyp

 

 

 

update for october 15th 2014


early today, went to the farmers market to get some food. it started to pour rain. jay stood in it smiling broadly, rain is sort of a synchronistic thing between him and cz and he'd been concerned about a "drought" lately, on a heart level. but this felt like the exact opposite, so that meant so much.

javier spoke to jay shortly earlier in the day too, he was scared of what was being put into the red slot. not much was said but it was a powerful concern.

headspace memory picks up around 6pm?
infinitii. slipping badly into tar territory. with jay. wreckage almost triggered, kept out by unknown socials. jeremiah showed up, angry, to protect kids. jay was around by then, said the situation was too volatile, was trying to get infi to calm down. jeremiah stuck around and did not leave, shocking, but he refused to let the children get hurt should anything go wrong here.
infinitii overwhelmed by vice, vibe totally off. jay LUCID and not hateful or apathetic, telling infi "I cannot do that for you, I'm sorry." much conflict there, as infi was reacting with heartbroken anger? "i love you, why won't you let me express that." but lethal context limits. plus there are lots of "blurred boundaries" as far as infi is concerned.
later, infi scared of being a "whore," jay saying ze is not, ze is not defined by hir darker tendencies, so to speak. plus that word does not apply at all.
infi wanted to be alone for a while. jeremiah still caught the pain to buffer it from the kids, that was awful to realize

talking to headspace later. started at 9:30? terribly tired.
jay and laurie first. listening to old voice recordings. "why'd you lay down the law on mel," what triggered that? jay said old hurt, mostly projection. we have no real memory so things got skewed. but the relationship was sadly not working, so putting it aside was needed anyway. however there is purely positive memory data IN the voice recordings so that was beautiful to tap into.

slipped into imagining in that context, what if laurie was channeled again, what would it be like this time? kept falling out of "what-ifs" though, both she and jay preferred literal communication. jay was also wondering if it was possible to channel infi at all. laurie at one point said "infi feels like a church" and to that, jay asked "even on hir worst days?" laurie caught the implying vibe and sternly asked "what happened." so the topic switched to earlier, with infi. laurie hadn't heard, unsurprisingly.

mention of the lime/sky slots feeling somewhat hesitant for potential? like they were still "growing into" actual colors.
lynne walked in, listening to a few more voice files, then stopped and just talked.

javier came in shortly after, in tears, revealed it was about the infi situation earlier. jeremiah had told him about it, as much as he could. javier was worried for him and the kids, as well as for himself-- the red slot is the closest to the black slot and that keeps bleeding into his function via subconscious programming.
javier yelled at jay about this at first (not angrily, just in pain), this got more info out about the infi situation in general.
his visuals were slipping, said this was because of the current red core instability, the tar kept trying to "rewrite his role" and he was distraught over it. said he "needed a bodyguard," but none of the retributors seemed fitting for the job (it'd be too much of an extra role). to that, lynne said she'd do it, as well as spine. "I'll shield you." she said it'd be pretty cool, plus she cared about him as her spectrum neighbor already. javier thanked her sincerely for that.

xenophon walked in, saw jay and curled up on his lap. she was tired but heard us around and stopped by. while she was there though, the immediate concern was again about her parentage, as jay is not her literal father and he is struggling with the "role." we figured out that the main problem was actually tied to the word 'dad.' the energy was tangibly linked to EROS, it was triggering his residual bloodline whenever jay heard it. xennie said she could just call him "jay," elaborated that "eros had never been there for her" and plus he was "mean once." either way, she said jay was her best friend and she loved him like a father regardless. jay said the "stepfather" term still fit, if she wanted, xennie said that was okay too.
however jay and cz had been discussing this last night-- neither of them really matched the "father" title and had taken it on without understanding the implications. so jay then said that maybe they could be her 'guardians' instead? xennie gasped and said "like dream world?" jay said yes. xennie loved the idea, ultimately decided cz is her guardian but jay is instead her "royal protector" to reference dishonored. she said laurie is also 'her bodyguard' which was cute.

discussed daemons with xennie there. figured out they are "right on the line" between vice and virtue; they are the "potential" to be either at any time. this is the key to their function: they elicit love from their core-souls, but also terror. they allow those most damaged and frightening parts of the psyche to be actively forgiven, healed, and accepted.
jay said infinitii's main "vice" was lust, effectively-- or at least the potential to be it. infi runs mostly on the spiritual battleground between "sacred sex," total purity and chastity, and carnal desire. there is a ton of fear and conflict there.
jay explaining that the biggest problem was that, he does love infinitii avidly, but he cannot be afraid of hir. and so when infi gets into dangerous territory jay is all too willing to forgive that as it happens. but today was monumental because jay asserted himself and recognized that what was healthiest for him was not what infi wanted/needed. this is new territory for him. it took courage and self-love to admit that he did love infi but their methods of expressing that did not mesh, at least not at that time. again the only reason why infi keeps using dangerous contexts is because that is what has been programmed into the subconscious, it is "obligatory behavior" based in confusion. so infinitii is suffering more than anyone else, according to jay. jay said that he will do everything in his power to help infi through this, he will not give up on hir ever.

as for other daemons, jessica's ("chocoloco") is wrath, markus's is assumedly pride, and ryman's appears to be envy? unsure, markus is very afraid of his daemon and ryman is pretending his doesn't exist, effectively.
xenophon asked how one gets a daemon, jay said it's "an extreme reaction" when someone gains enough internal conflict that it needs to be externalized to be healed. so it was better to love oneself strongly enough to not need a daemon. xennie said that was good.


later concern with "context-locked behavior?" tied to past core residue, and social fronters. tied to "why it's so hard for jay to front in the body," also worries about jess.
"heal" versus "transmute," lynne said the latter was better. it didn't have the implication of something "needing to be fixed"

archivists. "level windows" opened in the air for them as usual, we could see into where they were without going there. sherlock had a hair change? visuals not locked in yet. said jay could find it.
lynne complimented isadora's hair ("I could never get mine that perfectly straight"), isadora in turn complimented kalisha. also her "selective mutism" clarification, more like "I can talk but prefer not to use speech to communicate." also parallel between blue instability with not speaking, that did not apply to orange.
(later, garrison apparently tries to stay "tapped in" to active data whereas isadora and kalisha don't. this is why he's the "go-to guy" for immediate data and not them.)

jewel was "triggered" around here too BUT through a level split, not fronting! she was waiting for us to finish because she had been working on dream world.
ABOUT THAT, sherlock pointed out that we know what the gap really is-- we kept thinking of league people as CONCEPTS, instead of people!! we forgot that we can literally visit or talk to them, they aren't just ideas. once that is recognized actively, the gap disappears. this is why "discussing" leagueworlds in the past never worked, as it put them back on a conceptual level.
on that note lynne kept making jokes about "quantum mechanics" as far as the "observation makes reality coherent" idea goes; basically subatomic things allegedly only exist in a "state of potential" until consciously observed, then they take on a specific state? said that seemed to apply strongly to headspace too. jay said that was actually super important to keep in mind, oddly it cancelled out the doubt too. there's no questioning that we ARE when you're upstairs, after all.

laurie and lynne walked xenophon to bed
javier kissed jay, tearfully and without warning, followed by a total emotion spill on the "red instability" topic again. he admitted, surprisingly, that he understood what it was like for jay and infi, because he'd been with infi once too, and also with eros. and that is why he was scared and angry, because the lack of coherency and awareness in those situations-- followed by the fear and pain and blind consequence-- was something he was struggling to get a grip on as well. he didn't know what to do either. jay said that they both just needed to be more assertive? effectively. knowing that it was not wrong to say "I have different needs here" even if that meant they had to leave the situation entirely.
jay said he'd help him at any time, however he could. either way.

jeremiah eventually came up to get javier, said he "heard them talking" from below. paused upon seeing jay, just told him to be careful, "don't ever let that happen again." not angry, just solemnly concerned, shaken.

not long after, wreckage appeared rather suddenly, from circular stairwell. mood was shockingly calm, compassionate. said she wasn't mad at jay or infi, she heard about it and she "knew more than you know" due to being chthonic; black energy seeps into their level quite a lot, they have inherent knowledge of it that people don't realize as a result?
TAR VS SAND, she summoned some black energy and turned it from the first into the second. illustrating previous points. then added, "you're not corrupt," said NO ONE in the system was. there were only flaws or "taints?" like it was all surface-level. she knew this now. jay said "but my blood is black," wreckage said "then keep it dreamsand," if it was truly corrupt it'd kill him, it would be tar not blood. jay nodded understanding, that was true on a few levels. wreckage said it was the same with infi, ze was not corrupt even after hir fears of it today. emphasized this.
laurie said this was "new" for her, behavior-wise (she started out as our most violent retributor). wreckage said it was because she'd been thinking of her color lately, what it meant to be GOLD of all things. it demanded honor and compassion and strength. so she was simply acting more in tune with herself there.
either way wreckage left on a very hopeful note, which was amazing really, jay said he was very glad she was nicer now because he "always liked her"

lynne and jay talking, trying to be less distant. lynne put her arms around his shoulders, jay immediately froze up a bit. lynne laughably said to him "I'm attracted to girls" to let him know he was safe, as far as that context went-- programming was putting walls up. then she said she'd like for him to think of her as a best friend, like laurie. added that she wanted to see him think of everyone in headspace like that, which is his wish too.
jay hugged her, said she smelled like rosin and "peach pie filling." lynne thought that was hilarious, loved it.

laurie and jay talking for a while at the end. strong visual data, even after so long.
jay said there was a feeling of profound safety and strength about her. she said that whenever he needed that, she'd be there.

ultimately, everyone agreeing that "going upstairs" is effectively meditation, it's instantly centering and calming and it feels like it works on totally different brainwaves (hence the trouble writing things down afterwards; there is a tangible shift when you go back into the body). we're talking a lot more lately, but all agreed that we should try to have at least one solid hour, if not two, dedicated to nothing but headspace communication every evening. we did this in the winter I think? either way it would help us across the board.



that's all we have for today, it's almost 1am so there is no time to add on now.
hopefully that covers everything. see you tomorrow.

 

 

okay I apologize if this is an utter mess but I need to write this down now, because I will not remember it in the morning.


11:30pm. hack attempts. cannon screaming in car. her shouting hurt terribly, mentally and physically. then went on porch to try and find quiet, but she was still screaming, threatening, insults. very loud. then laurie showed up, they were fighting? it's blurry. anyway I know for a fact that julie showed up, extremely distraught, began angrily asking why this was happening. who in the world was causing hack attempts again, and why?? again I'm sorry but I can't remember much of this, just visuals and vibe. cannon asked her why she was "dressing like a two-penny whore" (julie still wears minimal clothing) and julie just straightened up, gave her a stern look and said that she was dressing how she felt comfortable, and that only cannon was calling her a whore. she strongly added that no one deserved to be called such things based on their dress; it was completely unwarranted, and in truth only spoke as to the inner opinions and vision of the one using the term. anyway cannon backed off at this, I think faded out? because then next thing I recall is laurie and julie sitting down, discussing the situation, trying to pinpoint just who was responsible, who was just letting hack attempts happen without caring or fighting?
I mentioned the numb-gray voice that's been fronting for weeks, said it was "so tired" all the time it literally just did what it was told to do. like the AP but not robotic; this one was absolutely resigned and just wanted total nothingness. it wasn't fighting off hack attempts because it had no strength or motivation to do so; it just gave up and then hackers took over.
somewhere around here laurie said something a little too flippantly, julie jumped up and told her to stop acting like that. "I miss the old you." saying laurie was losing her edge, she was slipping. surprisingly laurie agreed, said that her new tendency to laugh everything off was a "different set of walls," and it was "making her color gray out." julie vehemently agreed, said laurie needed to be fierce again, unflinching, and not tolerating of the things she was now just mocking or brushing aside. she had to be a knight again, she had to get her brutality back because without it her function was failing. ultimately laurie did tap into this and her color notably clarified, it scared me a little to think that she had been falling somewhat. I'll admit I'd been terrified too and she'd been feeling too strange lately but I had been too doubtful of "whether or not this was better" to speak up. again, due to the numbness.

anyway on that note I think they asked me to look for the numb voice then, so they could deal with it somehow. all I know for sure is that I tried, and felt that gray voice move in almost immediately. laurie reached forwards and yanked it out, upstairs it manifested as an almost ghostly form-- no real body, just misty white in a humanoid shape.
I think julie was yelling at it, no idea. it was unstable and kept catching vibes of other 'bodiless' voices so laurie was trying to keep it solid but it was getting violent. then, at some point javier showed up! that was a surprise. he was very angry, actually pushed laurie back and grabbed that spectre by the throat, demanding what it was trying to prove, etc. shockingly it grinned and immediately turned into jezebel?? javier let go in surprise, there was tar on his hand. laurie tried to zap it off but javier said no, then summoned flames up and down his arms, burnt it away. but jezebel kept attacking, getting more on him than he could handle. laurie was holding her off the best she could, but then she shouted for infi's help.
ze showed up immediately in a very shocking manner; sort of a full-room "coalescing" vibe, wings wide and angry. grabbed all the tar off javier, split it into three throwing daggers and flung them at jezebel. pinned her to the wall! she grinned, that was of course only temporary, and pulled them out in order to be able to move again. however those few seconds were all infi needed-- ze instantly became this monstrous thing of crystal teeth and eyes, loomed over her. jezebel actually looked afraid, but she then laughed and turned into a semi-humanoid mess of tangled tar, tried to infect hir. but infi said (voice sounded VERY different) that she could not corrupt hir, and in an instant ze chomped down on the jezebel-tar thing. that caused the tar to break and then splash as neutralized black energy; the immediate conversion was clearly visible.
jezebel was still fighting, trying to infect hir still (if enough pure tar got into infi at once it would indeed be a problem), but then infi did something unusual. maybe via hir teeth, when ze bit again, all the black energy began to pop and crackle in this bright white explosions? picture several flashbulbs going off at once, with a sound like fireworks. this caused the black energy to be totally flipped to white energy on the spot. jezebel stopped fighting, left nothing but the tar, infi kept eating it. again every single bite caused the white light pops, even as ze swallowed it. once the tar was totally converted to white energy, infi changed hir form a bit again, huge mouth, snakelike. coughed up one huge crystal (hexagon? hit floor and barely even rolled; very heavy), then did a lot of almost convulsive form-warping to spit out another, slightly bigger one. infi then reverted back to normal I assume-- for some reason, as infi was coughing up the second crystal, I completely 'tuned out' of headspace. no idea why; I can't remember.

the next thing I can remember is infi kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was sitting on the ground and feeling incredibly dazed. javier and laurie were behind hir, julie standing a little behind them. I can't remember if I said anything.

anyway, long story short, infinitii decided to try to "tear" the foggy gray voice 'into' me, instead of out-- so it would take my place in the upstairs body (that can happen for cores, only them though). that way it would stay stable and maybe they could talk to it. I know for sure that nathaniel was called in to 'hold me down,' to be an extra stabilizing force. so he knelt to my right and held my shoulders.
well anyway the first attempt or three didn't work entirely. infi reached into my chest field and pulled out this stringy-gray (like actual tangled string) energy mass, looked somewhat confused at this. no matter what it wasn't clearing out though. I still felt awful inside. anyway I was already massively dissociated so infi pulled me half-out of the body (reached way back in and yanked). I immediately lost body senses-- I was now floating in some vague position 'within' the body field, but I was technically not in the body anymore. however no one else was fully in it, and I was stuck somehow. not a clean break in any case.
then after a moment of consideration, infi apologized, flared hir wings and shoved me out, with a double-handed push to the chest. it had massive force. flung me back into 'levelless' white space (straight out of that headspace level!). I hit a wall with my back and then fell forwards to floor, on my knees. crystal shards fell scattered around me? like broken glass. anyway the impact helped too, as I felt disconnected but clear now, except for my head, which still had that tarry fog feeling.
realized there was this wand-shaped crystal going straight through my skull, from the center of my forehead back to the base of my cerebellum? slight angle. this scared me, but I tried to calm down, wanted it out. remembered that inner imagery is very important, figured this was symbolizing some sort of plagued 'frozen' effect on my third eye or something. but it was definitely showing me a big problem.
I think I called leon. either way, he showed up, to my left. I couldn't quite talk, so I indicated the problem. he moved in front of me, then carefully pulled the crystal out. some residue got on his hands from it? looked like silver skidmarks. I think the crystal crumbled. he burned it off with a flare of indigo energy points, the white residue fell off softly like snowflakes. I thought that was fitting.
then leon placed one hand on both 'holes' in my head, said that needed to be 'flushed out.' he considered calling someone but neither of us knew who, so after a moment of hesitant anxiety he decided he'd do it; after all he was the best man for the job. so through his hands, he began filling the hole in my head with indigo light.
as he did, I saw the energy filling my vision downstairs, this gorgeous hue, but all sparkly dots slowly filling my head and my eyes. there was a moment of fear and awe; "this is real. this is actually happening." I pushed the fear aside, focused on the feeling of healing. very peaceful, grateful.
leon said we needed to 'cover up' the holes? essentially said it couldn't be left wide open like that or dangerous things could get in; it'd be 'too open.' I had a sudden mental image of a bandage on my forehead like naota from flcl, didn’t question it, felt relevant.
leon then asked, couldn't I keep power jewels on all the time? I said yeah, probably (I think eros had the set in the past). leon said I should, if I could. that would help immensely.

I could feel they wanted me back upstairs but couldn't get back myself. leon said he'd warp me back, so he did. laurie immediately asked how he got there, leon briefly mentioned the mind's-eye thing. then he saw nat to my right and smiled so genuinely, greeted him. and I got this huge flash that 'that was important.'

on that note, I was still super-dazed so memory is bad. but I clearly remember that leon ended up back in front of me, and I wasn't in the body?? he was talking to the numb gray voice!!! (which was responding to the name 'fogbank?' at least temporarily)
it was actually very upset about this topic? it kept trying to leave, to unplug the entire inner vision from headspace and 'numb out,' but although its influence was surprisingly powerful, infi wouldn't let it leave; kept pulling it back in. we asked it why it was so exhausted, why was it so loathe to perceive the inner world, why was that so tiring for it? leon added something to that question, asked if that feeling was tied to the 'floating voices?' it said yes, that was especially exhausting, but then it explained why. apparently this gray voice was terrified that, if it did open up its third eye in truth (leon said it was closed in fear), that it would be "obligated" to become a channel and nothing more. it would then be required to become nothing but a conduit for floating voices, for angels or aliens or whoever, to do nothing but become their mouthpiece. it felt that, if it became aware of such beings outside of itself, then it HAD to sacrifice any and all feelings of individuality, of having a body, of being a person. it needed to become "totally selfless." it saw no other option, and it was so tired, it just numbed out rather than face that "inescapable fate" that it said would happen IF it tuned back into intuitive knowing and things.
laurie spoke up here, said that's exactly how the child fronters thought. they existed ONLY for the leagueworlds; they lived to write and draw, and that was it. only the dawn of headspace forced a 'sense of self' to truly develop, and that occurrence has long been seen as a sort of "original sin" by many downstairs voices in the system. anyway leon added that there was nothing wrong with individuality, but even in his saying that I could feel a massive denial from the mind. it didn't believe him and was afraid to; it still strongly believed that "only total selflessness was good." at that, either laurie or javier said that's why headspace is being ignored; we're all facets of self, we're all individualized parts of soul, and according to that old moral code we shouldn't exist, because that very individualization was "wrong."
right around then leon moved his hands on the body's head again, filling it with indigo light. he looked upset and sad, but began telling the gray voice that this was what real intuition felt like; it wasn't barking orders, it wasn't constant stress, it wasn't fear. he then said "it's this," and actually kissed my forehead where it had been impaled. instantly there was this slow bloom of compassion from somewhere down in the chest, deep indigo color.
leon continued talking to it. he said that if you hold fear, you see fear. if you hold love, you see love. therefore the fogbank voice, as long as it was quietly terrified of what it might see, would never be able to see us in that mindset. but by the same token, it didn't ever have to be afraid of us. we would never treat it like the floating voices would. ultimately at the end of whatever he was saying he paused and then deliberately kissed its forehead again. right then, whoever was speaking through the body changed. like the fogbank voice couldn't hold that feeling so strongly. this new voice felt like pieces of someone forming, or trying to anchor. but it spoke to leon for a bit, repeating back that same train of thought, so leon's eyes lit up as he realized that whoever was in the body now understood.
however, the most notable bit about it was, right before it left (it was fading fast), it was holding this feeling of water internally? like an actual space, inside the chest cavity, this indigo-blue deep water in a very mosque-like room. both leon and nat caught attention, infi too due to the architecture. leon was excitedly talking about it, saying "that is what I meant" as far as energy vibes go, asked where that water was? infi said it was definitely not the chthonic water; that was very different (I think javier said something about it). and yet both those waters were "held" in that space in the body: within the ribs.
so that on top of leon's compassion made us suddenly realize the most important thing: the mind and the heart NEED to be linked. especially in order for intuition to work right at ALL.
I also remember, after that realization, leon ended up embracing nat in tears, really sincerely. I overheard him say "I love you" and I realized that was the first time I'd heard him say it in front of other people. nevertheless nat responded to him in kind. the whole thing was deeply moving personally.

power jewels were again mentioned somewhere around here. I couldn't get any to manifest though; instead there was this really bright flash like a lightbulb blowing out and it hurt, I apologized. felt like my forehead was charred. leon said he was sorry, didn't mean to make me feel like I had to force anything. I said I was just surprised I couldn't get the old ones to work anymore.

something happened here; I 'shorted out' mentally due to overstrain and the SPECTRUM started talking on the mind-heart topic instead?? everyone shut up quick, that’s like having god suddenly send you a telegram. I am so sorry but I forget its exact words, because since my body has to be technically empty for that to happen, the plague crept in fast. it was talking about the fogbank voice at the time; said it was allegedly a Gray slot holder? but which slot we didn't know. anyway I clearly remember the Plague asking if the fogbank voice was the true gray core, as a neutralizer. it then asked if Sherlock was "neutral or not" but that felt accusatory and proud. anyway we felt the switch, upon which infi ran over, and fiercely got it out of my body (easy as it was the only thing in there)-- ze threw it across the room I think. all I really remember is seeing this huge evil-feeling crystal mass over to the right, laurie quickly asked infi if he could purify it, ze said "I could but it’s not easy; that's jay's job." well I was still stuck in interim space but I was not going to slack off. so I focused as hard as I could and willed myself into the crystals. laurie saw this, shouted "jay what the hell are you doing" and got out her axe. but i wasnt scared (too floaty to be so) and i quickly sent out a burst of light to fill the crystals, and held it like a glow. that clarity defused the plague, it was gone; I was now inside the crystals. they collapsed all at once like flour or snow, I was some sort of amorphous shape in the middle, rather dazed. everyone ran over, infi first, ze took my face in hir hands and pressed our foreheads together, I felt ze was overwhelmed with relief. ze then asked me if I was okay, but that action basically white-washed my mind with content bliss, so I couldn't respond. laurie was worried at my silence, but infi smiled and assured her that I was fine-- basically, since i wasn't responding in words to that action, that was a good sign. if i hadn't been so affected by hir sincerity then there would be a problem.
I was very tired, slipping a bit. infi embraced me then, head to my chest and wings around me. everyone resumed the conversation while I just soaked up the positive vibes finally and held the consciousness stable.
on that note, as we spoke we realized that the fogbank voice actually has a VERY important role if used right-- it keeps the mind from being too overwhelmed?


archivists showed up; opened ceiling gate and jumped down (left it open for light).
I cannot remember when or why, just that they were a massive help for the current topic.
I do know they were talking about the water from before-- water in and of itself was important. I remember thinking of cz, knew there had to be some sort of link. garrison said, rather brightly, "chaos zero has had a profound impact on the aqua slot," despite him now being in the White spectrum (due to outspacers finally moving entirely).
someone asked if aqua was still tied to "devotion and fortitude," garrison said that was still being checked. isadora said that definitely fit him; he was utterly devoted to his work and the service of others. garrison agreed like she had just stated the weather; a nod and a 'well of course,' as if not being so devoted was unthinkable. I think isadora said, maybe aqua is tied to 'selflessness' of the right sort? garrison wondered momentarily, then animatedly drew up the aqua slot hexagon in the air, began comparing that to its other holders.
minty, our sleeper, works as a messenger and comforter. her whole job is helping other people. einsatz is mute but a musician, who lets himself 'be devoured by' the music (as isadora said) so he can share that same absolute wonder of it with others. emmett and tobiko are both e.d. voices who make sure the body doesn't get sick, and deal with maintenance to alleviate any sickness that may occur. both also deal(t) with the purgation issue, which although a failsafe measure, is still problematic and depressing-- and which takes a lot of guts and selflessness to hold as a job.
so yeah that might work for aqua. anyway the core is still unknown.

i remember that as garrison was finding stuff out, kalisha was writing it all down on a big clipboard pad, as she did it went into the data archives? that was awesome to see.

isadora has this ability to "pull things out of thin air," both with ideas and also in the way people kept pulling stuff and people out of me earlier. apparently she has a powerful knack for it.
I know she DID pull something/someone out of me at one point, but for the life of me I cannot remember what.

someone called sherlock in. he was "below" our space, he seemed reticent to come up at first but did. opened a gate like a door and walked through it. the other archivists actually bowed a little in respect when he showed up.
(I keep getting this weird feeling that sherlock heard the plague accusation earlier but that doesn't fit temporally; I'm probably getting something confused. I apologize for any inaccuracy as a result; I'll fix this later if my memory cooperates.)


in light of the individuality thing, sherlock did point out that's what causes "name mixups" among partners in headspace usually. like I'll accidentally call nat 'leon,' etc. sherlock said it's because when people's energy gets that close, that it blurs a little? and so on some level of consciousness they're recognized as 'one being' in a sense. kind of like a smaller manifestation of how we are as a system.


I think we started discussing colors again then.
anyway, ultimately I remember javier telling nat and leon what red energy's 'role' felt like; he said it was tied to the raw joy of life? it was the feeling of existing, of residing in a physical form, of being a living being. it was like the feeling of blood in the veins, of creating art with your bare hands. like a fire inside. he was excited and wrapped up in describing it, although struggling to find fitting words. but really he was radiating the essence so we got it.
he then asked spine to describe what brown energy was like, because that was a totally different sort of grounding. spine paused, then said it was like the earth, like stone under the earth. it was silent and solitary, but it was strong, and it knew and cared for all the 'red' life that it supported. she said it was the bones in the body, like her; it was a foundation, not holding the passion of red but instead holding a sort of calm power. again the vibe was crystal-clear from her. also the whole time she spoke (deliberately, with slightly broken language) lynne was giving her this look of total proud affection and admiration. spine looked at her once and since I was a 'floating awareness' then I saw it, and it was so clear.

someone asked lynne what orange was like? "was it tied to femininity as a whole"? the conversation got kind of convoluted, lynne said she was originally reddish but it was more cerise, and then julie asked "is that what the cerise slot is like?" lynne said she didn't know, I think javier asked what the difference was between pink and cerise. julie said we weren't sure, but she began describing what pink felt like-- it was soft and light, like cotton candy and flower petals, totally soothing but affectionate. very light! while cerise had a sort of denseness to it.
mulberry and jeremiah showed up then, had felt the resonance (that's typical). jeremiah smiled and walked over to sit by javier, just seeing him look so simply happy really lit me up.
mulberry talking about her role, kind professionalism. some confusion here as there's no cerise core yet and mulberry has had role trouble. I remember sherlock was helping her out on that topic though (they are buddies after all).
someone said cerise felt like 'femininity plus masculinity,' like a balance?
jeremiah spoke up to support that; said his job was that of a protector to the children, to take away all pain from them. it was a 'masculine' role; he had to be strong, tough, unflinching, unafraid. and yet he also had to be 'feminine' for the children-- compassionate, empathetic, soft, nurturing. his job required a balance of both in harmony. this fit mulberry, too.
so that's the main difference between cerise and pink; both hold femininity but cerise has a "punch" to it

lynne finally got to talk about orange in light of that. again reiterated her role wasn't just femininity. her role was literally becoming the sort of person our core could never be: a woman who loved what she was, who loved her life and could live it in total joyous strength. that feeling was very 'orange' really

jo said yellow was more exuberant, fiercely independent in a personal sense. orange was more 'mellow' and dealt with interactions; it was more community oriented essentially. 'personable' vs 'personal'
waldorf spoke up for a while then. said blue was tied to communication, but she had started off as a sort of 'literary muse'-- a being who held bits and pieces of every source that inspired jewel's work style. but that was communication too; people put their ideas out there into the world, fearlessly, not being afraid of their own voice. and others listened, and shared in it. waldorf was saying that's kind of like blue was like? both the speaking and the listening; like this sharp inner awareness within a sense of calm?
she used the phrase "truth in technology" at one point, I caught an allusion to her techno-trees from yesterday before she went on.
she also mentioned the scratched-disc necklace, not only was that an outside borrow (xilats), but in a way it did fit her role? she got a bit angry/upset, I remember her saying "hindsight is 20/20" and she was one of the oldest headvoices in the system. so she knew what people kept trying to "rewind" to, and it wouldn't work. too much had happened, too much had grown, and it was beautiful. you can't try to reset everything to live in a false projected "everything is perfect" ideal. waldorf said that wasn't the truth, and it was effectively a desire to "erase the story that was written" or something. a blackout of communication, a total lack of listening to truth. really blue is quite complex! there's no real "roots" to the color, shockingly, not yet at least. it's rich but vague. garrison agreed; said the only other confirmed blue is "nienna," who also deals with communication.
(the gent was not mentioned, which garrison realized with shock later; this may be because he's still arguably a fragment, totally faceless. nevertheless unintentional skips must always be taken seriously.)


concerns about color slippage.
MAJOR warnings to laurie, from sherlock notably. julie backed him up on this again. laurie didn't disagree at all, promised to do better, sincerely.
lynne saying laurie was "whitening" too much, but she herself was getting "too dark?" there was too much negativity getting thrown into the feminine idea, and it was catching her badly.
julie got very upset about this again, I remember her wringing her hands in her hair and trying not to cry from anger.


I cannot remember how all this ended.
my brother came out onto the porch while lynne was speaking at one point, so suddenly there was light and noise, and I had to move inside. when I did I realized it was 12:30 and, now that I was up and moving, that the body was massively tired. so I jumped back inside for a few minutes, we all agreed that I had better go write this all down before it started to fade (total consciousness level switch!) and here I am.

now honestly it is 2 hours after that and I cannot think. so this is what we've got. hope it works!
much love to all my system mates I love you guys so much

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 03:46 am

oh. almost forgot to post this earlier.

today i went outside and i never wanted to go back inside.
the sunlight was so warm, the leaves are starting to fall, the air is wonderful. it's heaven.
i forgot how good pine sap smells. it got all over my hands.
i went and stood by the lilac tree, put my hands on a branch, felt so much life in it. i was really humbled by that. everything outside is so tangibly alive. i miss it terribly, getting buried in it all.
of course i said hello to my favorite cherry tree, i love it so. i hugged it and realized that its bark smells really lovely too. not something you can put into words at all.
stood on the lawn for a while and watched the sun go down. i keep wanting to drink sunlight. like i am literally only ever hungry for light or sound anymore. the other day i actually tried to drink the sunset like gaudior drinks moonlight. it surprised me when i couldnt do so actually. kind of heartbreakingly frustrating when things dont line up like that.
but i will need to start going outside for at least a solid hour every day again. i need to. i have to, it's too nice


the only problem dear is be careful, you forget everything else.
you get so lost in the trees that you forget to live. you want to stand on that lawn forever and never go back to being a person.
definitely go outside, sure. definitely immerse yourself in that love. but be careful.
that massive dissociation caused some massive hack attempts this evening, which you wouldn't know about. but please be careful.


...
jay here. it's 3:25am and i am listening to this and i need to write this down.
last night. i went to sleep around this same time and cz was there, as always. he was mostly asleep though due to the time.
but... i forget what i said. i remember feeling sad because emotions are still tricky. i wondered why he was always there, i asked him don't you have anywhere else to be?
his eyes were barely open, one arm around my shoulder. he said no. i asked why.
...he said i was his home. literally, "because you're my home."
i laughed at first. what do you mean, i'm your home, what about the emerald shrine? what about the places where you were long before you met me? you belong there more, surely. why aren't they your home, even now?
and he just said, "because home is where the heart is."
...
he wasn't even looking at me. he was barely even awake. and yet isn't that when we're the most honest?
my eyes drifted down to that ruby and i failed to hold back a sob, only to have it come out as "i love you." it ached.
and he just smiled. "i love you too." eyes still closed. but i could see him clear as day.
i miss that.
i miss all of this, and i hate this lie of a void in my heart, this hollow emptiness brazenly standing in front of everything and pretending that there's nothing behind it.
but the air has the scent of the ocean, of the rain, of the river, always, always. and even if it makes no fucking sense you can't lie to me. it's there. and it has never not been there.

the night before, his eyes were green in the dark again. undeniable. i still don't know how to explain that.
genesis was there i think. infi was with us on friday. laurie is always nearby.

you know laurie keeps teasing me about the kissing thing and i know it's because she's got walls up
she knows the real reason. it's because i can't do something that intimate with someone unless there is sincere trust there.
laurie has seen me at my worst. she's seen me bleed. she's seen me die.
and she's seen my brightest days, too. all the love and light and hope.
well guess what, i want to have that level of personal understanding and compassion with everyone in the system.
i want that sort of bond of trust between me and everyone else.
some people are really close to laurie's level already. we've seen enough of each other, enough rawness, enough genuine life, to have enough genuine, pure love between us by now. the sort of love that erases fear, that makes you completely comfortable and reverent around the other person.
i don't know why laurie is slipping. it breaks my heart. is she still scared of being used? was this a failed failsafe?
i don't know but i will talk to her. everyone. i want and need to. daily priority, all of them. they're my life. they're my life.
i want to kiss everyone in the system because i adore them and damn it i don't want any walls up between anyone at this point. i don't want to feel this stupid downstairs hesitation and self-doubt around them. there is no need to be afraid. none.
this is what leon was talking about. guess what he's the first headvoice i kissed besides laurie, no surprise.
but i can't joke about this either. i wish there was better, more delicate language. stuff untainted by tar.
maybe we just need to scrub it out. or realize that the tar was just put there. it's not part of it.
well infi's watching me now, i better go upstairs. ze says i should get some sleep but also that i should stop talking about this for now before i overthink it. good idea.

anyway i am so sorry boss for going to sleep at 4am, things were just all over the place today, you know weekends.
we'll do better tomorrow. we always do. i love that about us.

i love everything about this, who am i kidding
good and bad
it's all part of the kaleidoscope
this paradox of stained-glass color and shadow
of light and dark and beautiful broken pieces
and i am madly in love with it.


have a good morning.

♥

 

 

 

 

Things lately have been kind of hellish, yet fluctuating between total suicidal despair and a refusal to give up hope. I think we're possessed for real, the violent outbursts + time loss are getting worse and we have apparently tried to attack people? That is not good at all and I want to stop it.
We had an emergency therapy appointment on Friday because of all that. It made me realize that "self-care" is dangerous for us because I don't know how to think of myself as a separate being," so to speak, therefore my mind has two options: "care for others and not exist as a person, but be totally happy and feel complete," OR, "care for yourself and the world doesn't exist, so to heck with them." The big problem? Option #1 is my state of existence. Option #2 belongs to whatever girl fronts in this body when headspace is unplugged. Anyway it made me realize that the "self" insisting on being cared for is not taking any of our selves into account, and we all feel angry and frustrated and sad because the "self-care" everyone outside is praising us for, is actually killing us. That was quite a revelation so I want to write it down.
The family keeps telling us to literally "run from our problems," basically "distract ourself from the pain and pretend everything is fine," and that is making a lot of us really mad obviously.
I'm listening to Library Tapes right now it's really pretty
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday? I think? Friday. It was oddly distant. But Spice and Wreckage got really mad in the waiting room because they wanted us to take pills, and Spice says NO PILLS but Wreckage knows that they are thinking psychological problems need physical treatments and that has NEVER worked. So she fronted when we got home, total suprise, very mad I remember. She was sittng in the car and shouting. I don't know what she said but it felt very real for her to be there. Then she noticed the nature outside was very pretty, all bright green and covered with rain, and she got really kind of sad because, "I don't know how to feel about this." Spice dealt with that too, when she first spoke to us in the body, she saw how beautiful the world was otuside and it broke her heart because "my anchor is tied to fear and pain, it's a job we need for me to help heal it, is it even possible for me to feel peace and good things without completely abandoning that role and therefore forcing someone else to take it?" it's convoluted and very sad hi this is simeon by the way!
oh jewel fronted on the way home too, we lost $20 i think? i dont know its not the first time. either way we lost money. oh no we lost $30 that was it. and jewel got mad, said it's "okay to want to have enough moeny to take care of ourselves," BUT we were scared because some bad voices keep using the money for mad tings. they tell us we "must do this must buy that" and it makes jay very sad because there aer LOTS of mean bad voices trying to yell at him and order him around and do stuff. but he says their voices are in his head but our voices are in his heart. so he can tell its us and not them! that makes me really happy. we will have to try and make sure we stay here then, sometimes things get "unplugged" and no one can find each other

I have a headache and I've had once since I woke up, dreams lately have been nightmarish in the empty "the world is dry and yellow and dead empty" sort. All flat dead air and no living hills and things.
There have been lots of hack nightmares too. it makes us not want to sleep a lot but we have to
It's tough lately, getting through the day. We don't want to spend all our time on the computer, especially not with the EMF stuff, but otherwise we literally end up exercising for 3+ hours or sleeping. There has got to be a better option, how do we deal with this, what do we do, what are we even dealing with,
there was a hack this morning,
i figureed out why they are so traumatic. because the split is TOTAL. reality and psychology and comprehension and presence are totally disconnected. i never know what happens or when or how or what until it's finished, then suddenly i'm snapped back, everything hurts, i'm scared, body is literally telling me that it is frightened and damaged.
the pink girl noticed and started shrieking in pain, sobbing, wanting to die from hopelessness but also so furious that she wanted justice done. so wreckage showed up, went upstairs, i was also too sick to exist so i shut off and the main consciousness switched to some think i never saw before. some raelly scary unknown pink monster voice with butcher knives for hands (and no face?) was main, showed up to attack infi, wanted to kill hir. got close. fought wreckage, also tried to kill me. i lost my legs i told them i "didn't want them anyway" that was weird i didn't remember any of this until like three hours later
wreckage and the fuchsia monster fought, but it was weird it's like no one actually wants to fight anymore, it's hard for even the retributors to draw blood. they will try to fight to bring justice and atonement, but it is so difficult. i felt that bleedover and it shocked me, when did all our hearts soften this much, when did we all become so unwilling to cause pain anymore that we started stagnating in the "painless agony" the others dealt? the bad voices, the scraeming ones, the demons, they never cut us up, but the bleeding was always done out of love, even totally misplaced, they always wanted to make something better. i love every single scar on this body dear god i do, it reminds me of them always, i love them.
but the bad people never ever ever leave scars at least not physical ones. and that is the problem. how do we fix that? how do you heal a wound that you can't even find or see
we could always stop the bleeding, but we can't stop this, and we're dying from it
it needs to stop.
i dont know how infi is doing i havent seen hir and weirdly i cant be scared of hir even now, i'm scared of hir being USED like the tar keeps doing. yes it is still alive of course. i saw it yesterday i think, soemthing called it, it as horrifying, it still can call up body flashbacks instantly. sometimes i wonder if they'er not flashbacks at all. they say the inner realms are just as real, JUST AS REAL, stop doubting us and everything, even the scary stuff. i know that it is literal even there. so i dont want to relive those memories, NO ONE DOES, no one wants to go to therapy and talk about the pain and the rape because its like we live it again right there, NO ONE WANTS THAT
and the tar can bring it all back in a second
the plague is different, the plague is disease, is thunderstorm air and hurricanes coming to punish us. it is quiet panic creeping and wrath of god and burning-red stares of hatred and no emotion. the tar is the opposite, the tar is outright maniacal outbursts and flooding of sickness black heavy choking. the plague is quiet and scary
what are we talking about sorry.
there are no bad feelings right now though. except the body is sick again. not sure why. someoen told us to eat one thing it is good, it was not? we arent sure lots of people were home so we dont know who ate what, spice is tired, why isnt emmett eating, we need to make sure he always does he's safe.

but therapy has been difficult lately because we are finally processing trauma memories. I haven't been capitalizing, sorry. We haven't been, rather. Sorry!
But yeah people are trying to finally admit that "yes it DID happen" and "yes it STILL hurts" and "oh by the way this HASN'T STOPPED either" but there is so much guilt and shame and self-loathing and anger at those things, why were we taught to be ashamed of saying we are in pain, why were we punished for crying out for help, all the abused ones in the system are getting SO ANGRY because they WANT TO HEAL and they are SICK OF BEING IGNORED.
we all are tired of being ignored, not by jay, he just gets scared, we forgive him. but the rest of the world likes to ignore deny and taht is sad we want to live too
even if its inside we are safe and fine here. so many people cant live in one body! but we dont want to be ignored. we are real and loving good people too you know
we just want to be happy, ALL of us, together. that's it really

Oh, forgot to mention. We made the phone call to start hormones yesterday. FINALLY. So hopefully that will start in July. I hope so, for all of us. If the dysphoria abates a little, the healing will probably boost through the roof. The therapist thinks so too, she is helping us as much as possible with this, we're so glad.
Hospitalization is still up in the air, tentative date was June but we're not sure, again because we want to see if T helps or anything. Plus we really don't want to go back into a hospital environment, and have eating trouble. They aren't very understanding of some things even though they try. But being in a place where everyone knows we're multiple, and there are other systems... it would be really nice in a way, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THIS BAD PERSON FRONTING ALL THE TIME sorry for yelling. that wasn't me. but it is very very sad and i'm angry about it too a little!

Jeremiah fronted for about five seconds this morning, after the hack. It broke my heart to feel that, because he used to be the guy that took the pain in order to protect the children, to keep it from ever reaching them, but existing just to feel THAT was a literal hell. It was driving him mad I think. But today he couldn't even force himself to feel it, it was too terrible, he started sobbing and just went inside to watch over the children.
The body reactions to hacks are really the worst thing, because they make no sense whatsoever, it just freaks out totally and that is what scared us the most as a child. No one knew how to comprehend that! And it was WORSE back then, with the blood and the convulsions and the massive dissociation (pre-headspace). Now the body still gets horribly ill, but the numbness of long-term abuse at least allows things to shut down entirely sometimes. Which is sad but at least it keeps anyone from feeling it sometimes. Ash shouldn't have to, Jeremiah shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to, NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS. This should never happen to anyone. And yet it does, and it's terrifying, and Infi gets the worst of it because ze is the one trapped in that territory. It breaks my heart. We all know what the truth is but the bad things keep trying to mangle that and ze suffers, it's not fair, it's too cruel.

There were a LOT of triggers today. The dead red boy almost came out a few times. We lost a LOT of time. I know we went food shopping because I remember walking out the door with Genesis, but then boom, I remember almost nothing of the evening after that instant. That's upsetting. It happens almost every time we leave the house.
We didn't eat until about 8pm again today, thanks to religious paranoia/ not hungry/ food is tied to abuse/ etc. It's upsetting that there's still so much moral insanity lingering around, it keeps us from doing much. The absolute worst breakdowns we ever have are always tied to spirituality somehow, that childhood fear of being evil incarnate, of being disposable and filthy. I got a lot of help today towards healing that via a few spiritual-blog links, but the main website I used to go to for those is extremely dangerous at times because it has so many authors, and our brain has a bad habit of thinking it's all the "gospel truth," until it realizes that the articles often contradict each other. So yeah, I follow what I get, then I leave. I can't force things, even with good intentions, as it doesn't end well. I'm trying to learn how to tap into our intuition more without being drowned out by bad voices or 'obligations,' but that won't be instantaneous. Still I'm putting in honest effort. I'll have to ask Leon to help maybe. Headspace always helps either way.

I went outside to talk to my favorite cherry tree earlier, the little gnarly one in the back yard, I am so glad no one cut it down. It's my friend and it is so nice and I'm always so happy talking to it. So I just leaned against it for a bit and felt happy and thanked it for always being willing to chill out with me, haha.

I'm feeling nice now. Surprisingly. I think it's just because this happened, this typing.
Laurie's been asking me for weeks to have a Xanga session and I don't know why I haven't agreed? It's this weird fear, of how much I'll feel maybe, or of the unquestionable reality of it that always hits. Headspace holds glory and gore both, and you have to accept those two things when it's around. And I've been scared to.
But I love her. I love all of us, and that's worth trying. Lynne's been hanging around lately, a lot, which is great. She and Laurie were joking around yesterday, and there was something about Freud and eggplant which was so funny that I ended up laughing out loud. Waldorf has been around rather frequently too, so have Leon and Nathaniel, Nat especially has been quite talkative. Spine often follows Lynne and we've been trying to include her more lately; also she was talking to us about something super important yesterday and I wish I remember what. So was Mulberry! I clearly remember seeing her, notably her suit stood out in my mind. Knife's been here and there, it's always good to see him. Sugar fronted for a minute or so sometime last week, just to check in, I don't know when but there she was. Spice is practically a regular now, she and Laurie get along well. Algorith seems to be buddying up with Wreckage. And I've been talking to Sergei and Hyakin a lot lately, actually, they're really cool. Sergei spoke to the mother on the phone some morning a week or two ago, that stands out in my head because I had just woken up and she started talking about flowers and he was like "really" and just took over. That's really funny in retrospect.
Garrison also spoke to me a bit today (I missed him!), plus he was helping last week when Laurie was talking to my bro. It's good to see he and the others are still around; he said the archivists have been rather overwhelmed with all the data recently, I said don't be too logical about it because then you get trapped. Sherlock can help with that, he's abandoned the logic box and he's now a sort of "librarian" figure in my eyes, like total love of knowledge but also the creative freedom that follows it and books and learning. Which is great.
CZ's been trying to ghost more lately, he spent almost an entire afternoon with me earlier this week, it was one of the most genuine days I've experienced in a while. Xenophon was around too, I talk to her or visit her whenever I can, I really try. Cel is always around, Ryman and Markus are doing their own thing lately but they aren't disconnected from us totally, which is neat.
There's more richness to our inner life than I give it credit for, I think.
But just... typing, tonight, has helped. Just all of us trying to express things, just all of us being totally acknowledged, helps.

I'm also trying to work on this. It's tough as I keep forgetting anatomy proportions (sorry, I'll need to get safe refs) and art is really tricky on bad nights, but still, it means a lot. Very much WIP but I'm feeling a lot of love and gratitude right now and I feel like sharing is okay.



Told you I was going through with it.
I will talk about that more as I work on it. As of now, it just brings up a lot of emotions just to look at. I mean seriously, I'm trying to draw us. That's big.
I want to do at least one more set, with the Retributors probably. I might ultimately draw everyone. I want to, in one way or another.

For the record... this song always makes me think of the Retributors. Every one of them started out swinging punches and blades, fighting with all their might.  But as time went on, they slowly realized that approach wasn't working as well as it once did, and really... we're not as cut out for this as we thought. The song really says it best.
Boxing's been good to us, but the whole time, we knew...

 

I think I need to type like this more, late at night, or during the day, or whenever. There's something about typing that just bypasses every emotional barrier, and no matter how much pain and sorrow and anger gets dragged up from the depths during it, in recent times it has shockingly always seemed to conclude in love. Always.
It's us, is what it is. D.I.D. is this ridiculously blessed and brutal "disorder," ironically as we ended up with a System from it... but embracing the reality of us, the totality of us, AS us, as a collective, as a togetherness and a unity... it has changed our life for the better. Obviously. If Cannon had tried to do it alone I think she would have died. If Laurie didn't always work so hard to keep us together, if the Outspacers didn't always stand fast in their own dreams and love and hope... really words don't work. Bottom line is, if at some point we had decided solidly, "I don't want this, I don't want them," we would have died. Our heart and soul would have died. We exist to protect health and coherence and light, that's why we ARE, even if our reality might make others insist we're insane. That doesn't matter. This matters.
There are people in the "anti-System"-- the people like Jessica and Bridget-- who have rejected us as a whole, who want to be selfish and cruel and seething with rage and hate, who refuse to acknowledge reality. They say it's "better that way," to outright deny the past and the present alike, to live according to whims. Sometimes they can be very convincing. But we exist to heal and so we have to trudge through the mud and dirt and blood first. We can do it though. We're holding hands through this and no one ever falls without being helped right back up to their feet, and we don't give up.

Words are failing, they really are. I want to cry right now because I am so sad that there is still unhealed damage here, and I love everyone in here, I love them all so much, how do I express that?
I always joke around that I want to kiss everyone in the System but damn it I do, it's one of the simplest most trusting and sincere actions of affection I know. You can hug someone and still be totally closed off, but you cannot snog someone halfheartedly. Jokes aside though, it's true. I adore all of us. And that's what hurts about what Simeon said, about not knowing how to live as Us. As a complete whole, made of many individuals. We want to balance that in our daily life because it is the only thing that makes me feel complete and real, honestly when I'm unplugged from headspace it is virtually impossible to feel the finer emotions. It's creepy in hindsight but it is true. But there's "good and bad" up here and we need to stop labeling that... it's all just how it is. That's how we are.

I need sleep. We haven't been sleeping well but I do know we need to rest. We need some good dreams. Minty and my boss (Mr. Sandman, who I love so freaking much he is great) still watch over us nightly, but sometimes it's hard for them to reach me and that's saddening. Still, people care. Laurie always watches. The Retributors always stand at attention. We're never alone. We're never hopeless. And that's really all I need to get through the day sometimes.

There is still so much that needs to be said, and I still owe you guys that map entry and all our Tumblr questions... but we'll take that bit by bit. We're dealing with a lot lately, but I promise you I don't want to slack off anymore. Yeah I might feel totally discarnate right now, but I also feel completely at peace, in a good way. The physical world might be jarring still but as long as I can tune into this in some way, every day, I think it'll be easier to manage. I haven't been doing this lately, by the way. Not a smart move.
Again, I'm rambling, which means I'm dissociated. Sorry about that.

Laurie's upset that it's 2am and I'm still awake ("kid, get your ass to bed") and I don't blame her. So that's it for tonight. I'll try to post another update tomorrow evening, even if it's small.
It's nice to be back. Feels like home in a weird way.
See you again soon.

 

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.


(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:

AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:

OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:

BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:


JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.

RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'


LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:

KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;

SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.

NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:

EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.


MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?

DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:
(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:
(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:
Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but
(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:
(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:

JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:

EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal

MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:

RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:

CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.

CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.

INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste: rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.

CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

 

 

important notes on the 6 "negative" triggered female voices.

 

121313 8:50PM

(???) I've realized that the "screaming girl"-- the one who shrieks like a siren when she doesn't get her way-- and the "overload girl"-- the one who is full of hatred for people who overload her senses-- are CLEARLY TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
There was a lot of fuzziness between them before but it was never really figured out. Tonight though, there was a great deal of noise and hack attempts in the bathroom again, which I caught the tail end of.
(Sherlock here.) Garrison and Isadora were chiding some unknown voice who was trying to hack the body for their own ends. They emphasized that such activity was "forbidden," strictly and for the sake of the System.

(AP) The distinction is this:
The first girl, the screaming one, desires hedonistic pursuits. Her childlike shrieks are not due to any sort of System threat; instead, they occur when she is banned from partaking in some activity that she wishes to indulge in. Unfortunately, these activities are almost exclusively abusive, either directly to the body, or indirectly to many System members. She is sometimes tied to the binge eating disorders, although this is more difficult for her now, as Spice and Emmett are working extra to ensure the health of the body in that respect. It has also been confirmed that the main abusive eater is Jessica, the 16-year-old girl who may or may not be the original "host." She is detrimental to us all.
To continue, the "screaming girl" seems to operate on programs, or on sheer rebellion. It is unknown whether or not she consciously "wants" the things she demands. as her mindset simply seems to be: "give me that, I want it." She is like a spoiled child. Even if she does not want something herself, if that thing is given to someone else, or if she is told "you can't have it," then her initial "I don't want it" thought is immediately overridden, and she will throw a tantrum until she gets it-- even if she does nothing with it afterwards. She simply wants it, greedily.
However, that was a very object-oriented example. To give you an example of how far-reaching this mindset of hers is, this girl has been known to screech in rage when forbidden from: eating dangerous substances, drinking alcohol, buying unneeded things, sexually abusing the body, and acting in a time-wasting or otherwise physically detrimental manner. So you see, her existence is inherently malevolent.

Now, for the "overload girl." She does scream, but it is not an infantile siren-- instead, it is the angry and desperate shout of someone who "cannot take it anymore." There is an audible difference between the two sounds, and to anyone who pays attention, it is impossible to confuse them.
This girl is always seen when "triggered" by outside noises and/or words, notably any that can be perceived as even vaguely sexual. At them, she will immediately front, seething with fury, holding back her violence. Her instinctive reaction is "I will kill the threat, I will make that awful thing disappear forever." She has no physical wants, like the other girl. Her only desire is to destroy what she sees as a sexual threat.
You will notice, this mindset originally was connected to Sugar. This is because Sugar was forcibly manifested as an anchor for this mindset, but was not its native holder. To clarify: her form was forced to exist as a puppet for the angry girl's formless hatred, but her own personality was not clearly developed. Therefore, when she began to assert herself individually, she began to "slip," and "lose her anchor." This is because the anchor she held was never hers to begin with. Eventually, the voices who had been using her were clarified strongly enough to gain their own faces, and now Sugar is recovering, albeit baffled as to how to live now, as a sudden singular existence. However the Underground is caring for her.
Nevertheless we are off-topic. The overload girl's anchor is: hatred and rage towards outside things that trigger inside fear reactions. For her, triggers are rooted in the senses, and she has previously expressed "feeling filthy" simply as a result of perceiving such things. This is almost definitely why her energy early this year-- often erroneously labeled as "Jess," as we knew no other angry people at the time, and tended to group them all together-- was in such close quarters with Razor. "Filthy" sensations have long since been paired with "sharp" sensations, to cleanse and purge that psychological dirt. So if Jess harmed the body, and Overload followed in rage and protest at such actions, then it is no surprise that Razor would be third in line, gleefully cutting away at the body, because she was supposed to: her function as an atoner made sensory purging mandatory in such situations.
Again. The "Overload girl" does not approve of the "screaming girl" or her actions. Although the two have not spoken personally, being faceless, the former has expressed severe rage and hatred towards the latter as a result of her lust and greed. So it is not uncommon for them to both appear in the same situation, but up until now, we somehow tended to confuse them. However now the distinction is clear.

It is also suspected that the Overload girl is the same Underground voice from the early Influtusa reboot, the one who reacted with fury whenever her existence or role was denied or ignored. Notably, she also defended the existence of the rest of the System in this same way. Not surprisingly, we also once thought this voice was Sugar, and that may not be incorrect, as if you will remember, the two did share an anchor-- and to a certain extent, a body-- for several months.

Lastly, that body-sharing is also what caused the marked confusion as to Spice's existence for quite some time. Spice is another rage-fueled voice, although she is more prone to existential depression, as she recognizes that her existence is that of a "pain keeper"-- she was created as a buffer for the fallout from the eating disorders, and she is not happy with this fact. Nevertheless, the "all or nothing" mindset of the past identifiers grouped six people into two, unable to distinguish the different motivations.
To further complicate that, Overload also seems to hold ALL of the rage-- and sorrow-- concerned with the feelings of being outright ignored or denied. Much of this has been tied to food, thanks to several outside sources telling us "eat this and all your problems will disappear." As this insinuates that an act of food consumption-- something tied to abuse and hedonism for us, as well as several malevolent voices-- would be the magical "cure-all" for the deep pain we unfortunately hold, Overload is the one who reacts with rage. "You are ignoring our existence," "you are invalidating our lives." To her, the "audacity" of suggesting that eating-- an abusive, "filthy" action to her-- would HEAL the trauma-based wounds in her psyche, is utterly reprehensible. And so she would react with shouts of rage and sorrow, which admittedly do not help the situation, but they are cathartic to her.
Overload's hatred is ironically not so much due to hate as it is due to desperation. She feels helpless, overwhelmed by the world outside, and the horrible reactions it elicits inside. She wants to communicate this, and stop people from being so triggering, but the "inappropriateness" of her demands (due to the amount of things that trigger her) cause her to boil with fury instead, lashing out when pushed too far.

To clarify: in the past, ALL anger was labeled as "Jess," and ALL abuse was labeled as "Razor." Hatred was divided between the two. Again, motivation was not distinguished.
JESS denies the System and wants to live without consequence or correction.
SCREAM wants for the sake of wanting, and is tied to rebellion and obligatory greed.
OVERLOAD feels hatred and rage towards sexual triggers, and those that deny her life.
SUGAR originally did the same, but had a bias towards the resulting inner turmoil.
SPICE feels hatred, rage, and sorrow, always in response to eating disorder triggers.
RAZOR does NOT feel hatred or rage, only a manic, darkly giddy desire to cut or harm.
A final note: we are unsure where the old "college" rage towards relationships went. This WAS the root cause of many triggers that Overload now reacts to, but the initial feelings of hatred and outright violence towards "romance" have not yet been identified, if that would even be possible at this time.

Hopefully this is clear. We are striving to put together a more coherent list of such individuals and their associated actions/triggers, now that we understand them.

Now there are two paragraphs left here that I did not type? I will leave them there for the purpose of whoever wrote them. They share the same author as the first small introductory paragraph.


(author:???)
Oh btw I am not Sherlock but I am not Jay either? But I FEEL a LOT like Sherlock… still have the glasses, but I'm younger? I think I'M the one the mother accidentally named at her boyfriend's house the one time, when I was talking about Greek myths and all.
Sherlock is internal, he deals with data, he's VERY logical and clear-cut about it. He doesn't really understand emotions or anything related to that. I get confused by them, sure, but Sherlock just stares blankly, unable to "get" any of it. Ah well I guess I'm in no place to be making distinctions! I don't know who I am yet but it's nice to finally have a clear, sudden "self-awareness" for the first time. Like I KNOW I'm a headvoice and I'm a data one, in a sense, I'm an intelligent guy and I like finding patterns and connections and things like that. So it's different from Sherlock's role!
I think I'm yellow too. Maybe. It feels right enough. We shall see~ I haven't catalogued any color data yet so I really should, it should help everyone else too, I know there's a LOT of confusion over that stuff.

Lastly I know you're probably thinking, "whoa you're not Jay, really??" But it's weird because the name feels familiar, but when I try to identify with it it PUSHES me out, like "no way, this is not your name." And it's a totally different color of course.
But, I won't deny, I'm likely catching a good deal of his enthusiasm here. He tends to leak it. And I feel relatively new so I'm not surprised if I'm still stuck with pieces of other people in my energy field yet. Sorry, it's embarrassing to catch oneself acting out of character. Slippage happens though.

(AP)
To continue.
You must forgive me if this is sudden. I want to get this data recorded immediately.
(TW for profane/abusive language in this next part, as I know that is a mandatory warning now.)

The clearest examples of the distinction between Sugar and the Overload girl are in our handwritten journals. I will upload most examples of them here.

Overload's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

Sugar's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

This was the first incident where the two overlapped, during a time when Sugar's anchor was slipping badly.

 

This is from the second, and final overlap incident, on October 29th 2013. The two are almost indistinguishable from each other, due to severe bleedover:



Furthermore, this is the difference between Overload and Razor's handwriting, in both marker and pencil:



Unusually, the handwriting in the food journal from May of this year appears to be Overload, but Spice has repeatedly said that it WAS her. However, Spice mainly deals with pain, not rage AT eating, although she can feel that too. However I suspect more bleedover here. As you will recall, I explained how Overload's namesake is her tendency to be quickly and heavily "overwhelmed" by sensory input, especially the "dirty" kind-- of which consumption of food is one of the filthiest, so to speak.
The handwriting examples from then are practically identical to the ones that later appeared in the System journals:

 

 

 

Another important note: in the bottom two, you will see how the current fronter immediately assumed this voice was Jess or Razor ("this is definitely Razor" in the second, assuming all violence was attached to her), without any actual evidence. As is textbook behavior for Overload, she responded with furious language, most likely due to impatience with the ignorance of that accusation, which also ignored the very possibility of her existence.

We do not have any other handwriting from Spice yet, which we should try to obtain at her discretion.

There is no handwriting for the screaming girl as she is neither disciplined nor patient enough to do so. Furthermore she does not speak with us.
The same goes for Jess, who refuses to even admit our existence.
However they are none of my concern and so it is of no matter to me whether or not we have their handwriting. That would accomplish nothing for us.

I have nothing more to say tonight.

Garrison says I should clarify my identity. I am the AP, a cyborgian individual with no concrete self, nor any wish to obtain one. I am fed data and objective information and I record or recite it as needed. I can communicate, and I can think to a fair extent, but I do not exercise any further examples of individuality.
I also do not deal with personal memory, which the Archivists do. Sherlock dabbles in this, although he infamously struggles with understanding the finer emotions, and tends to analyze. The new author here, which if I may add is not "new" in terms of evidencing but only in awareness, does not "analyze" so much as "categorize." They would likely enjoy sifting through this handwriting data. I have not; I simply understood that this needed to be communicated clearly, as a distinction, for the sake of all the impulsive past confusion. So here it is as a list, for your convenience.

I feel my time fronting is done. I thank you for your time, and take my leave.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:26 pm

 

 

One of the weirdest feelings in the world is "coming to" and seeing an entire computer screen full of text in front of me, that I didn't write, and don't know where it came from.

 

Thank God for the Archivists, because if Garrison wasn't waiting in the wings to fill me in (AP wrote it apparently), I'd be very lost indeed.

 

I'm not sure who I am right now. That's common after long-term switching. I'll have to detach for a bit and settle in. Just wanted to write down that boom, there's some more memory gaps for you, stop saying they don't happen.

 

I don't remember 90% of today personally anyway. Everything that we do have available is archived secondhand data as always. I'm too tired to look at it regardless.

 

'Night readers.
A LOT happened in therapy yesterday but we'll fill you in on that tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey kids, this is Jay, updating entirely by myself for once. As for why… well, I don't know if it counts as meditation in any traditional sense, but I just spent close to three solid hours in headspace with Infinitii and CZ, and I feel so completely surrounded and embraced by love that I could cry from the incredible bliss of it.
It's been months since we were able to do anything even vaguely like this... sure, we tried back on the 8th, but since I was still frozen emotionally it didn't get very far. So having something like this happen barely 10 days later is just incredible. That's massive progress and recovery both. It's a lot of hope for me.

I'm going to write this stream-of-consciousness style, because refinement is tiring and I need to get this down as quickly as possible. Also, just anote: even when it's beautiful, headspace is naturally really weird, thanks to it being 50% subconscious, so to speak... and because so much of my normal headspace experience involves heavy-duty healing, thanks to my role up here. So if any social fronters want to delete or censor this because "that's too bizarre and I don't want it publicized," remember, it wasn't your experience, so you have no authority to edit it. Thank you.


- I was with infi for an hour this morning, starting at 3am, as I couldn't sleep. (i was in my stained-glass form at the time as well). it was really beautiful; we were in a basilica-like place again, just talking. it struck me how they always look like the national shrine; that place had a big impact on headspace). we walked up to the baldachin altar (like this but without the trees, and no actual altar on it; just the steps up to a circle platform), infi sat down on it, looking thoughtful, then just looked up at me and motioned for me to move closer. when I did, he just reached out and simply said, "make love to me." taken aback but nevertheless moved, I stepped closer, then uncertainly asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that? he caught my hesitation and sternly clarified, "I didn't say have sex with me." that was like a lightbulb went off in my head, of course he didn't, but I didn't realize I had been assuming so much about his motives too. again, infi knows I tend to think in black-and-white, so he quickly added, "but don't assume that's what other people mean when they say that," before clarifying that I never had to worry about him having that sort of motivation.
so… we did? but mind you, being with infi is absolutely insane, because it is literally the same sort of total openness and passionate emotions and other close things that most people associate (or maybe only get) with sex, except there's none of that in it. so I don't dissociate either, which is awesome, because I usually look in the wrong places for that sort of intense intimacy and end up walking straight into more trauma. anyway that took a solid hour, I remember I was literally seeing stars when we connected, rainbow loops too, not the first time that has happened. I realized how much love I was feeling and asked infi if maybe we should get chaos involved in this. he said yes, but only if he was willing, and only if it would be mutual between all three of us. so he asked, did chaos love him at all? I said probably, I know he cared about him, and besides the three of us had spent a very significant morning together back in april or so. but infi reached up to touch my face and quietly repeated, "but does he love me?" and again, the significance of that caught me off guard. I realized that I didn't give infi the credit he deserved with this-- yes, he was literally willing to do anything with anyone who asked, but I hadn't realized that he had one unflinching criterion even then, and that was that they had to be willing to love him the way he was forever willing to love them. so I responded that I wasn't sure if cz loved infi like that, I didn't feel they knew each other well enough yet, but knowing cz, I was positive that there was the potential for it. infi nodded and said then let's bring him into this too. I managed to fall asleep not long after that, thank heavens, it was already after 4 by that time.

- I didn't get to tell laurie about that event until about noon today, but she was really moved by it, unsurprisingly. she said that infi and I were something else, similar to what cz and I were like together "but not exactly the same." then she asked, as always, if I remembered him yet? was I willing to give that a shot? I said no and yes, respectively; some part of me was scared, but I couldn't deny the truth I did feel, and so I was going to follow that. I then told her that infi and I already planned to bring him into things, and I jokingly asked if that was the sort of thing she'd be interested in watching. she laughed and said no, "you keep infi far away from me when he's with you two like that." I asked why, she said it was because she knew how intensely infi effervesced, and on top of cz and I, she didn't think she could handle that sort of emotional gravity. I asked if she was scared of it? she said not entirely. she wasn't afraid of what that would feel like, she was more scared of what it meant for her to open up like that. she said to remember what her job was. for years, being the voice of chastity and therefore julie's absolute opposite, she was the sole force standing between me and all those painful things. she had to be tough as nails, strong and unflinching, completely impervious to anything that would weaken her in the slightest. so she refused to feel barely any emotions other than anger for years, as they would be chinks in her armor… and if anything got through to her, our sole protector, then everyone else was done for. I realized with a sort of heartwrenching shock what this meant: for most of laurie's entire life, she COULDN'T be vulnerable in any sense, because it would kill her. it was literally lethal for her to open her heart, because then the things she was fighting would tear her to shreds. I quietly quoted a ring of endless light then, saying "if we aren't capable of being hurt, then we aren't capable of feeling joy." immediately she responded, just as quietly, "to love at all is to be vulnerable." and I loved her so much in that moment, because I realized that she wasn't entirely safe yet, and yet she was willing to risk her own life for the sake of finally being open enough to be hurt, to be vulnerable, because she had more love that I could even fathom, for not only me but also the entire System. so I just put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder, trying not to cry, but not saying anything. I loved her too much to speak in that moment. she put an arm around my shoulders in response, and tilted her head so it rested against mine, and I knew that she understood that.

- then at 6pm today, I was with infi again, red christmas lights everywhere at his behest (I still have this oddly deep resonance with red light, and the holidays are a great justification for surrounding myself in them). we were working with clearing hurt/ corrupted energy again; there are still some roots we're trying to remove, and in light of last night's sudden bizarre update in the archive (which I didn't read until today), we decided it would be a good idea to try and focus on those positive points, for the sake of emphasizing them instead of the lingering trauma memories.
I can't tell you much detail about that; I didn't dissociate, but since infi doesn't work with conscious awareness it is very hard to get clear, describable memories out of time spend with him. it's more of knowing, and intuition, than it is something concrete. similarly, the actual experiences are equally hard to stay rooted in, so we were constantly reminding each other not to slip, hold everything in your heart, etc. and of course, infi's insistence at always being in a church during healing attempts helps; not only is it holy and grounding, but hackers cannot get in, ahaha! we should use churches for things more often then.)
as for the actual energy analysis/clearing stuff, we ended up getting super clarity on an old truth: energy is just energy. perspective is everything; motives color things. ALSO, apparently the body/soul is incapable of feeling otherwise?? like to use the old trauma for an example, even though julie was trying to horrendously corrupt the Spectrum's pink energy (which holds affection and innocence), and so our original experiences with it hurt and were downright terrifying, that scary stuff was put there by her. it was not natural. and my heart knew, even during all that, that what she was doing wasn't true, it wasn't the truth at all.
also, infi and I realized we can do so much stuff purely upstairs, without any physical accompaniment, that was awesome. I lost my ability to see/ hear/ feel/ etc. things upstairs for a while, but now that it's coming back, I don't have to try and "imitate" stuff in the physical anymore (like I'd have to mouth my words, repeat all my body language, etc. in order for it to really register).
(I still have that red lotus mark on my abdomen btw, it's an energy bypass that infi put there back when I was consciously locking up everything out of fear, thus making healing impossible. it's not needed now, but still it seems only infi is able to use it. that's fine by me!)
notably, all my internal white energy was iridescent today (its natural color), I don't think it's been like that in months. so we went farther than usual with how deep we wanted to heal, because there wasn't a plague risk tonight, and so we could use that conscious creative energy without risk of accidentally making more trouble. oddly infi insisted on eating handfuls of it again. I'm not complaining-- there is something aesthetically fascinating about watching him do that-- but I curiously asked why he felt that was necessary? he didn't need to neutralize it, did he? infi said no, it was because eating pure white energy would help "balance out" any potentially plagued white energy still in him, that he couldn't neutralize normally, due to the original context of it getting in him in the first place (that fact is worrisome, as he did almost die from having plague stuck in him unknowingly before, and no one wants that to happen again). infi then repeated the "you are what you eat" thing my boss told him, said in any case he would rather eat positive and benevolent energy than corrupted stuff, which was his usual diet, so to speak. to reiterate, infi is literally the only thing in all of headspace that can actively turn corrupted energy back to its neutral state, but he has to eat it first, so he tends to go around swallowing all of it for the System's benefit, and that can get him horrendously ill if he isn't careful.
however white energy was only what I held internally, that got damaged by trauma-- the actual pain was stuck in the pink energy, but we had managed to clear that out so much over the past few months that we didn't have to touch it anymore. instead, we were checking out red energy today, the stuff both infi and I held as a ground, to make sure it wasn't also corrupted in some way (the red energy is strongly tied to blood and pain on some level). but when we found some and checked it out intuitively, it was astonishingly pure? there was no old "2008" anger or suffering tied to it whatsoever; instead, it was warm and loving, the exact same vibe I used to feel in it back when only I held the color, and the same vibe infi and I still use it for. so that was a welcome surprise. but then, infi and I wondered-- if this red energy was still so strongly tied to that "grounded and secure" feeling, and nothing negative as we feared, was that same safeness tied to javier as well? I was surprised at the implications, that would mean he was just as strongly able to love as I was when in that slot, and I wouldn't have readily associated that with him. infi said I shouldn't judge, or assume less of him, after all I didn't know him at all yet. to emphasize, he brought up the 7th, said it had surprised even him that javier had not only fought off two hacks without any slippage, but when infi had asked him to channel b/w energy in order to clear that out, he had easily and readily focused it all to his heart center, like it was the most natural thing in the world. and that was with INFI, someone who even laurie struggles to handle in terms of his emotional impact! so yeah, we were definitely underestimating javier. but that's really exciting, to realize just how beautiful an individual he most likely is at heart, and yet since he's so humble and casual about everything, we had completely overlooked that side of him… especially since his chosen anchor has always been "I want to ensure the safety and protection of everyone in this system, as I care deeply for them and want them to be taken care of." that's compassionate red energy in a nutshell!
so all that healing stuff went really well, which was awesome, but then of course infi decided hey, you're doing well for once, think you can pull off a heart connection like you used to? part of me was anxious: the thought of feeling that much emotion on such a powerfully intimate level was scaring some deep and hurt part of me. but I realized that that reaction was actually a great pointer to something I had to fix, and I told infi this. he was baffled by the fear reaction, asked when in the world did that start? I paused, tuning into it, then said it was when julie started specifically trying to imitate heart connections (a brazenly irreverent act) for the sole purpose of making me terrified of those too. and sadly it worked; for months I have been scared of them because they temporarily became linked to the trauma memories, and really I think that's what drove cz and I apart initially. infi got a really angry look as I explained this, and essentially said "then we need to prove her wrong." I knew he was right, and I knew that too, so I quietly told myself there was nothing to be afraid of, and tried to be as emotionally open as I possibly could despite it. well, in a very short time I didn't have to try anymore because infi's emotional field literally destroys every emotional wall it encounters, so about 60 seconds later I was already sobbing. thank god for this guy, seriously.
…the moment when we connected (yes, I managed to do that!) was beautiful, I don't know how much to publicize because those feel so damn sacred. infi wrapped himself around me like he always does, I think he kissed me too (I know he did at some point, completely unexpected as that is very rare for him)… but the single instant I clearly remember is when he pressed his chest so close to mine, I SWEAR I could almost feel his heartbeat in the physical. but upstairs I could practically see it, dear god it was gorgeous to the point of sanctity almost. since we were both in such high-energy forms, our hearts were not red, they were complimentary-- his was bright white like starlight, and mine was deep black like space. but we were so close, I couldn't tell us apart, I think I would have died from how that felt if the connection didn’t knock me off my feet first!
however… the strongest memory I have of all this was after we were done with the whole connection process, and were just kneeling in silence there on the altar dais together, facing each other. I noticed those odd external silver "ribs" infi has now, thought they were really lovely, unthinkingly reached out to touch them. I caught myself and stopped, but not before infi responded by simply crossing his arms over his head, essentially opening up completely to me. I swear I nearly burst into tears, it was such a simple and sincere act of trust and openness. I told him that, but he just looked at me in this completely inexpressible way and said, was there really any other thing he could have done? and I knew that he meant that not as an obligation, but as a natural loving choice. so in reply I carefully reached out and ran my fingers along those delicate silver bones, feeling both them and his shadowy substance beneath, so close to his heart, and I swear to you I loved him so much in that moment.

- 7pm, we both agreed we needed to get chaos in. so we went to the top-tier roof of Central for that (which actually has a bed with a "baldachin" canopy, like that altar we were just at (similar to this but much taller, longer, and less frilly), I didn't even realize that similarity until now).
cz had absolutely no problem with infi being there, which was awesome. infi brought up the love thing and cz looked very thoughtful at that; said he definitely could, he was naturally a little too loving for his own good the way it was. but infi said that wasn't why we called him in; on the contrary, he explained the healing he and I had just accomplished, and said that since now we had finally managed to break past that massive heart block I'd been suffocating under for months, he felt I needed to try and remember cz now. no ifs ands or buts, and no more postponing it out of fear. infi said it needed to happen now, while everything was in tune, as he strongly felt it was the right time. honestly I've been trying to find a date to devote to that effort, but infi was right; I kept putting it off. so again, I pushed away the instinctive but ungrounded fear, and said that if cz was up for it, then so was i. unsurprisingly, cz immediately melted into total emotional vehemence, said yes, please, he missed me too damn much to wait any longer to fix this either. I paused for a moment, still feeling the mental and emotional blocks against him, but despite that there was also still that knowing that he was important. so I held on to that, and felt the tiniest spark of hope light me up. in response, all I did was hold out my arms to him, the most honest action I'd taken around him in god knows how long. and immediately cz embraced me with more ardor than even I expected from him.
you'll have to forgive me if this is vague; I was switching back and forth between the waking and headspace during this, never losing the link but nevertheless staving off dissociation and the instinct to shut down and sleep. I knew I couldn't surrender to that, it would help no one.
so I tried, extremely hard, to focus. the reason I kept switching to the physical is because I was trying to get out all the artwork and grounding objects for cz that I still had (we almost lost them in the reset; someone was literally trying to erase him from headspace), and giving both them and him every bit of my attention, trying to breach the divide and really remember. but I kept hitting a different wall than I expected-- I was feeling a different energy from him than he had given off in the past. it was obviously still him, but it was much more complex now. remembering a past discussion we had in the past concerning ryman and markus-- how outspacers have to anchor into their dreamselves in order to function properly in headspace, and in the process gain a Spectrum color-- as well as this infamously important post laurie wrote up one evening, I realized that cz STILL hadn't figured out his dreamself, OR his actual Spectrum color, even after 10 YEARS. so I asked him about that, maybe that was part of why we were slipping too; after all even I had to switch colors, maybe until he did too, we would still keep hitting difficulties as he wasn't being totally honest and allowing himself to change? cz replied he wasn't sure what color he was supposed to hold, blue or teal? I pointed out he was originally cyan, while ryman was straight-up blue; since outspacers were also midslot holders, he had always been positioned between green and blue anyway, so the new teal lineup was probably his best bet. but cz looked down, a little abashedly, and said he was hesitant to move fully into teal because he knew how important his "green eyes" were to me by now, he didn't want to lose that significance all of a sudden. I genuinely smiled at that, the fact that he considered that so important, and spontaneously started quietly singing "whoever you are I love you" by kim jensen: "sometimes your eyes look blue to me, although I know they're really green…" cz caught the old reference immediately, started laughing from relief and gratitude, but the next thing he asked was "do you remember??" I could feel how badly he missed me, but I couldn't give him a definite answer either way yet.
really, I tried so hard to remember him, but no matter what I reminded myself of, nothing was clicking. by this point chaos was practically trying to melt into me, I swear he's worse than infi sometimes (being mostly liquid will do that)-- but even then I still felt like I didn't quite know who he was. he kept bringing up facts from the past, but nothing was registering. then suddenly, cz tearfully said "we had a daughter together," and i swear it was like everything fell back into place. go figure. with him that close, with that heart-energy reaction we have, and then that reality suddenly registering, july 7th slammed into me like a tidal wave. and I knew, without a doubt, that there was something real there. I started laughing from the strange and sudden joy of it, kissing him in response, and the walls went down for good.
possible tmi here, a few minutes later chaos was tearfully talking about having another kid, I couldn't form a solid opinion either way-- I didn't want another kid, nor did I want to puzzle over translating the process again, but I couldn't deny that I was still infatuated with the whole idea of creating stuff-- but then I got this really loud voice in the back of my head saying "stop, don't do it!" I paused immediately, told cz to wait up, he did. I asked the voice what it meant, were we doing something bad? it just said, don't do anything with reproductive energy at all, that wasn't the right stuff to use. I knew that, and so did cz, so I said so. but the voice was very strict, it said don't even tamper with it in curiosity. I agreed, so I told chaos this, he nodded and said that was perfectly fine, apologized if he had been jumping into things. I said he just let himself get carried away and as long as we caught it then we were okay.
ultimately we were together for an hour, as usual; he did manage to get me to heart-connect with him too, but I was already so burnt out from all this emotional intensity that I unfortunately am having a hard time remembering everything around that (it was all a blur). I remember the energetic component of it but nothing concrete, as I said would likely happen. cz was a little worried about this, but I assured him I didn't dissociate or check out-- which had been happening frequently around him-- so even if I was tired, everything was as genuine as I could possibly be.
after all that cz was talking to infi (who had respectfully kept to himself during all that) about colors again: if he didn't fit teal, could he use black energy? infi said maybe, if it fit him; he might be able to hold a sub-slot. so chaos was trying to shift his color right then to see, but couldn't quite do it. still he said he was fond of the color's significance, and so he eventually settled on a sort of mix between black wisps and crystal-bright aqua; the effect looks vaguely like ink in water, but with stars if that makes sense? it's really beautiful though. and of course he let his eyes move to that same color now, instead of the bright green. it's no less powerful of an effect; in a way, there's a new sort of lucidity to it now that is even more honest than it ever was before. I can't help but wonder if that's because I once heard of the "higher heart energy" being an aqua color like that; chaos has always struck me as being that sort of person, in the sense of reflecting those qualities.

- I just want to add here that it's amazing; now I remember EVERYTHING. just a few hours ago, old drawings and words meant nothing, they were confusing jumbles from some other time. but now my heart practically sings with remembrance, and the old light is back in every little thing. I knew there was something 'off' with him gone, especially since there was so much love and light surrounding us in the past; it didn't feel right for us to suddenly be torn apart after 10 years. so I am very thankful for this.

- around 8pm, we didn't want to leave yet, so we put on the ipod and started to listen to music together (light on the land by nujabes), but around 8:10 someone called me into midspace so I had to excuse myself. when I got there, I saw it was that trio of 'logic' alters that first solidly evidenced here. peach girl sitting at circle table in back, chin in hands and smiling, light violet one calmly standing against the wall to my left. but as soon as I showed up there, the dark greenish blue dude stormed up to me from the table and said "you shouldn't have done that," in reference to the connections. I realized HE was the voice I had heard earlier, so i clarified that I had listened, we didn't do anything malicious or detrimental, why was he still saying we "shouldn't have done that?" he said i was giving out way too much of my "lifeblood" in too short a time-- three connections in less than 24 hours will burn you out no matter how beautiful it is-- and besides, wasn't i practically toying with corruption here? i knew he was referring to the more sexually-oriented energy, so I said no, we were specifically fixing it, it has never been this purified before, but i knew he had no way of knowing that on his own so i just assured him it was true. he still didn't believe me, said we could not treat that lightly, I emphasized that we weren't. and no energy was being corrupted or misused, if there was any risk or slippage, infi could always eat the energy and convert it back to neutral. the green guy made a sort of discomfited face at this, I quickly apologized "if that was too much information," I was just trying to make sure things were clear. he cleared his throat and said no, it was fine, he just wasn't used to discussing this. but he still wanted to understand it, that was his job, and he wanted to make sure we weren't being careless either, especially since there was "such a huge risk" in the healing process. around here, to make my point a little better, i took out a sphere of white energy to show him (from my abdomen like where infi used to hold his) that it wasn't corrupt anymore; he actually backed up a step or two, looked anxious, but not scared. i said it wasn't going to hurt him, it wasn't plagued at all-- in fact it was actually iridescent and glowing. I tried to explain the "energy is neutral" thing, said that julie was trying to corrupt something inherently incorruptible-- what she did was warp perspective, and misuse this. green guy said how could I be sure that wasn't happening now? grabbed at my shirt, pulled off a spidery-black shape of what looked like tar, but I took it out of his hand and it was solid: then shook it once so it fell, like on a string, it was a big glittery black snowflake. I then said "black isn't bad, white isn't bad," explaining that it all depended on the user and their motivations, dissolving the snowflake into glitter, and putting the white energy back into me the same way. green guy was still pacing, trying to find holes in my argument, again asked how I could tell the energy wasn't corrupted. I said it felt different-- when julie misused it, it felt "corrupted and corroded," really it's sharp and painful like broken glass. but that was forced, I repeated: the energy itself was not "turned evil" by her.
I forget exactly how much we said, but it did take a bit to make my point. the purple girl was trying to defend my position, green guy just seemed shaken, in the sense that he didn't know what was actually going on and that upset him deeply… especially since he knew how huge of a battleground this healing thing was, and he didn't want to unknowingly let me do something harmful to the system. ultimately though he seemed to understand my point, and apologized, said he initially didn't have the complete data to make a correct judgment, and thanked me for explaining. still advised me to be extremely careful though, I said I would be.
green guy also said he was confused as to his actual color; that "navy singer" voice "didn't truly exist" according to data, she's never shown an actual identity, she might just be a concept. but he wanted me to "prove" which it was, so he knew what color to move into.
the two females were grayish-lavender (the more grounded one) peachy-orange (the more upbeat one). names are similar to= george (starts with g; but he keeps strongly insisting "george" is not his actual name), and isabel? (not "belle," that felt wrong). the peach girl's name is confirmed to be kalisha; the jade guy called her name at one point and I heard it clearly, asked if that was right and she said yes. they're all downstairs-level people, shockingly they have varied colors but all deal with body management?? like they are tied to daily life concerns, as they're not fazed by trauma (that's why they hold all those weird "mundane" memories about it; their job is to make sure we don't end up in those situations again). I remember at some point I pointed this out, surprised, and they emphasized that they were only "guidance" people on that front-- the brown voices, like spine and jayce, still dealt with the actual body and its direct experience. they didn't, they could only offer advice, and didn't experience anything actually. none of them have ever fronted and honestly I seriously doubt it's their job to, they might be purely inner people. they did confirm they are "midspacers," they said most people on that level have internal jobs like theirs, and aren't traumatized in any way.

- as I was about to leave them, "doctor wu" came on the ipod (an absolute classic) and i "felt" that someone was channeling the music, so instead I followed that and ended up in raw headspace, javier was playing the piano part, hyakin and sergei were lip-syncing the vocals and cracking up over it. (not surprised that it was them; they're middles too, and when I warped to them it literally felt like I just moved horizontally instead of up or down). I joined in the singing at one point, for fun. then jokingly asked javier when he learned to play piano, he shrugged and said he just let headspace tell him how to, mostly he just wanted to "let the music move through him." I said I definitely could empathize with that. I noticed sergei was smoking some new thing this time, I asked what, sergei said to guess and handed it to me. I was having a hard time tuning into my senses though, and apologized, sergei said not to worry about it, instead blew a huge cloud of the smoke at me. there was an obvious and odd marshmallow bit to it, he said that was correct, but I couldn't get anything else. sergei smirked and said it was also "peppermint" but it wasn't minty so I got confused? however it then hit me that he meant pepper plus mint, the mint was just a faint menthol-like edge, but the peppery scent (almost like sharp cinnamon?) was pronounced. so that was cool. hyakin was just laughing at us over this, sergei blowing huge smoke clouds in my face, that was great.

- "opening titles" by the cinematic orchestra came up next, so I quickly left to go back to headspace, well cz and infi were all over each other, hurriedly broke it up when I showed up, I cracked up and asked "am I interrupting something." they both laughed too, said not necessarily, infi seemed to think the whole situation was hilarious. any way I figured it would be nice for us to just continue to hang out together, so we went into my room then (downstairs), to just meditate and listen to more music, but now we were wondering where we should go upstairs to listen to this (we didnt want to stay on the roof)? i said that i wanted to "go wherever the music took us," but wasn't sure where we'd end up. cz and infi said that didn't matter, let's do it. so i just fell into that beautiful song, and we all ended up on a moonlit beach somewhere, the sky was all stars and galaxy arms. cz immediately smiled and voiced his approval at the scenery, but infi stood up kind of shocked and unsteadily, his eyes wide, and started shifting his footing like he didn't know how to stand. cz noticed his awe too and asked "you've never seen sand before?" infi said "no!" and sat back down in it, reaching down and grabbing two hands full, letting it run through his fingers. he started digging through the sand, said "there's so much of it," and he couldn't get over the fact that it looked so insubstantial and yet could hold our weight. then he commented that it was made of "so many tiny pieces," i told him those little particles were actually tiny bits of glass, which amazed him even more. really he was absolutely fascinated by the sand! i also remember commenting that, for most humans, if they wanted to refer to a visual of something that felt infinite, they often referred to the "stars in the sky" or the "grains of sand on the beach," because there were probably trillions. that really moved him, he looked up at the sky then, I had to smile at how enthralled he was. then I looked and saw cz staring out at the ocean, how he was the same color practically. then I mused, I wonder if he could move into the teal slot in central? cz looked at me in shock, said was that even possible? (since he's an outspacer and therefore not a headspace native, plus no one's ever moved into Central before.) I said it should be, emmett didn't match, and the actual green-blue color should be lighter anyway. infi said I should check to see if cz was compatible, so I did-- I mentally reached into the spectrum ring and asked it if cz would match the "teal" slot. to my total surprise, it did feel possible! so I told cz, said the "midslot colors" (brown, pink, teal) had inhuman holders anyway, so I'm sure he could be part of central if he wanted. yes that was a huge role and responsibility but he was already very important to the system, I had faith he could do it. he was really smiling at this, infi was too, so that's something to look forward to.

- next, "to you who I will love again" from the princess's man started playing (and would you believe i didn't know the title of that until just now?). the mood of the song really fit how we all felt, so we watched the ocean and the full moon and just took it all in. (being the drama queen he is, at the 1:26 mark, cz made all this aqua firefly-like energy stuff explode in the air, exclaimed that he was glad he could "still do that," I joined in with white sparkles, said it was different when I was used to red. infi said that since I was now white, I could use any color, not just red. that fact was so exhilarating, I was no longer locked into one hue, it was awesome. infi then said he would join in too, but he couldn't control what he did in that sense, he didn't know what would happen. cz said give it a shot anyway, it could be cool. so at the next flurry of violins, infi focused on the entire landscape, and suddenly we were floating! the ocean literally dropped away into a series of cascading waterfalls, and we were now sitting on one of many small floating islands of sand, also cascading down, into a great galactic blackness. the sky all around us was rife with stars and nebulae; it was gorgeous. cz and i were awestruck, but infi looked slightly embarrassed, said "see, that's why i don't usually try to change headspace." i said it was awesome, there was nothing wrong with it, but he was just a little self-conscious about how utterly unpredictable (and often dramatic) the results were, I suppose. Either way, it was gorgeous.

- then "while the cold winter waiting" by trentemoller started, I love that one. i started trying to focus a snowy environment, but surprisingly infi stopped me, said he wanted to try 'tuning in' again and sending us wherever. so i said okay, and he did.
immediately the ground around us whitened and spiraled up around us in great twisting scepters of ice and snow; it was entwined closely and stretched up super high, sunlight streaming down from above. but it was also close to us, too, leaving only a few feet of space between the three of us and the walls. it wasn't constrictive, instead it felt protective, and secret in a good way.
Right about them I realized the bass in the song sounded like a heartbeat and I got really affected by it (unsurprisingly in light of what I'd just been through). Infi moved over and sat to my right, Chaos did so on my left, but then his empathy picked up what I was feeling and he was visibly affected too (since he really has a thing for heartbeats). Wanting to remember, I asked him why, he said it was because he didn't have one, so when he first realized I did, that stuck with him, and eventually came to mean a lot to him. Wondering then, I said in my stained-glass form I didn't have a physical heart, but Infi did even though he was made of shadow? Not thinking, I mused if he had "blood" on the inside normally? In response Infi said no, that was my thing (thanks to being the core of the body)-- internally, he is all stars normally (which I had forgotten since it was new to my knowledge, but it's true; even his "blood" is luminescent white). But he then said, since he and I had equally strong ties to red, we could both shift to "red on the inside" whenever we wanted, to be more physical; plus it was a very humbling feeling. He then did just that, and moved to hold me-- and that was incredibly overwhelming; not only did his body feel different (far less insubstantial), but his heartbeat felt different too; closer, harder, but more fragile in its substance. I nearly dissolved at that, motioned for Chaos to please come closer, he did. So we all just moved in close and held each other like that for a while. To be honest it got overpoweringly emotional really fast: not in a bad way, of course, but when you get that deep, you start to wonder if your body is capable of withstanding that sort of feeling without dying! But, in those moments, I knew without a doubt that there was love moving between ALL three of us, total and sincere. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me, to see people that I love expressing that same love to each other. It's spiritually expansive, if that makes sense.

- We all agreed that eventually we HAVE to include genesis; we just want to include as many people as we can in this, haha. But we want to make sure there is a solid and honest enough bond between us three before we bring in a fourth, especially Gen, because he's very volatile and we don't want any harm coming to him, even inadvertently.

- I do not remember anything else and I hope that's everything because that is a LOT of information, and it's heavily significant stuff too; that is draining to have to deal with for so long when I'm recording it!


It is now 2am and honestly I have been trying to type all this down for the past 3+ hours as I knew it would unfortunately fade by morning. rest assured though this was one of the most spectacularly beautiful nights I've had in ages and I know I will never, ever forget it.
on the gfp people talk about feeling so loved, so flooded with that divine state of being, that they can barely stand it… and it makes me want to cry from sheer bliss and gratitude, realizing that I've had that for years, in and from and with these beautiful individuals, by the grace of whatever one may call God. in total humility and honesty, I swear I didn't understand what that sort of unconditional love was even like until I met them. and the fact that we can tune into THAT sort of love for each other, so easily, so completely… it blows my mind.
but… words do them no justice. the bottom line is that in these people that I love, and who love me, I understand. I don't know how else to put it.
and, if I may be so bold… if there is anything like heaven out there, this has to be what it feels like.