the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

11:59 am.

 

please remember:
WE DON’T EVER HAVE TO GO "BACK."




----------------------------------

TWO binge eating alters???
one boy, one girl

boy ISN'T jayce?? CLOSE though. maybe brothers. bleedover?
looks like kid in the subeta avatar version.
but this boy eats and eats and doesn't have any shame or thoughts of repercussions??
ALL the eating disorder alters have NO THOUGHT TO CONSEQUENCES, and even if you do tell them, they can't comprehend it. like you can tell this boy that no, he can't eat a gallon of ice cream and twelve tortillas, it'll hurt and he'll get horribly sick. but he'll just smile and laugh it off and eat it anyway because he literally CANNOT grasp the concept of food having consequences after the eating.
have a feeling this poor boy is going to have to endure a razor-caliber realization event and it's going to hurt like hell but it NEEDS to happen in order for him to shed this toxicity.

girl has the "eating is slutty but I'm going to eat anyway because I'm just a filthy slut" devil-may-care feeling. vaguely like sharona, jezebel. but carelessly flippant.
literally doesn't listen to or acknowledge any guilt/shame on that because it's CRUSHING and she literally exists to eat without us wanting to die on the spot when we're like that. so it's a horrifically damaged anchor, but it's obvious that it was a vital survival mechanism at that old house. a heartbreakingly infuriating fact.

remember, the e.d. is TIED TO SEXUAL TRAUMA.
this applies to them, too

eating around others, even PICTURES of others, makes us feel like a dirty slut. swallowing food feels like a mortal sin, like a lewd scandal.
it's unbearable.

----------------------------------

SCREAMING/CONDEMNING GIRL VOICE
messy as hell hair

"YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING" "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF" etc.
saying the word "tortilla," ("YOU STUPID FUCKING DISGRACE, YOU SOUND LIKE A FOOL"), thinking about this evening on the couch ("NO! NO!! DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT!! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A DIRTY WHORE!!!") etc.
she's TORMENTED. she's full of rage born from crushing shame and pain.


"I DON'T WANT TO BE HELD!! THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!! --YOU SLUT!!!"
why is being held disgusting
"YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!! IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!"
How is that wrong?
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOUCHING YOU!!!!! SEXUALLY!!!!!!!!! IT'S DISGUSTING AND WRONG!!!!!!!
Being held is not sexual. You hold babies, for heavens sakes.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS TERRIBLY SEXUAL, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tangled, long hair. wants to die. resonates with deadname, no surprise.
siren assumption?

ollie talking about kissing and infi

"YOURE BOTH DISGUSTING"
"you little slut."

and suddenly I realize there are TWO of them

and the latter one is jezebel.

...good lord. we didn't realize she, and the tar/plague by extension, still existed so solidly.
the very thought makes our stomach flip inside out

---------------

"I want to die" "existence is so dirty and disgusting"
"I hate being alive, I feel so disgusting"
"how can you stand to let them love you when we're so filthy dirty wrong?"

made us throw up dinner because "I'm so embarrassed (a piece was dropped on the floor) I can't stand it; I feel so disgusting and wrong, I have to get that OUT of me" etc.

all of this tied to family toxicity and abuse
NEED to continue healing no matter how scary it gets.
that place is gone, gone, gone, gone FOREVER
we have to scrub that muck out of our guts and leave it all behind for good



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phone notes =

0819 15:55

NEW SPECTRUM COLORS!!
AMBER, GOLD, EVERGREEN, MAGENTA, SILVER?
COPPER???
check leagueworld files, FEEL OUT RESONANCES.

COLOR TRIADS
change from single resonances.
HEART/MIND/FORM COLOR COMBOS???
THINK TYPECODES!! ♥

COLOR REALM STRUCTURE CHANGE
floating??? global connections, not just two each.

"NEW" NOUSFONI ROLES
intercessors, redemptors, endurers, formspacers, bodyguards, relivers???
"tormentors" possibly being referred to as "persecutors" as that's a legit psychological term that seems to fit

feeling a HUGE unitive shift on the horizon. big entry on that needs to happen soon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

11:00 pm

 

today.

moving out of the family house FOREVER.

and moving in with the broken arrows.

----------------

we woke up at like... 4am.

the flight was gorgeous. since we were leaving so early (like 6am), the morning fog was rolling off the rivers and surrounding the mountains. and the sun was just rising, so everything felt magical, pale indigo-silver and warming golden peach-pinks. it was beautiful.

JESSICA-- we think-- began to panic and sob uncontrollably (upstairs) as we lifted into the air. she kept looking back at where our family house would be, looking at all the familiar landmarks below-- the church, the garage, the shopping center, etc.-- and realizing this may be the last time we see it. or, if not, it will likely be years before we see it again.
she couldn't bear it. she missed our grandmother so much she was choking on her sorrow. she was begging us to reconsider, to go back, "please let us go home," telling us this was wrong, we were abandoning our family and our religion and we were being bad and stupid and selfish and blind and we NEEDED to go back to our family.
patiently, worriedly, compassionately, we reassured her. we showed her the memories of the past week, the past month, the past year, the past several years. we showed her that times now are tragically VERY different from what she remembers. her memory of life, notably of the birth family, is STUCK in like... i dont know, 2004? 2006? i have no idea. but it's at the time when the yellow light in the kitchen was warm, not a warning. it's when our grandmother laughed and sang and danced with our grandfather to polkas in that same room, did jigsaw puzzles on the table, made pizza on saturdays and watched lawrence welk on the tv and everything felt perfect and beautiful and loving.
but... as we showed her, then and now, she shocked us by saying she DID know how things were now. but she couldn't accept it. the grandmother now, depressed and controlling and panicky and angry and toxic, was NOT the "real her" and Jessica was dead convinced that if we left that woman now, she'd die. she'd lose ALL chance of "returning to who she was." according to jess, it was our love that would save her and heal her, and if we left her... all was lost.
i will admit, our stomach bottomed out as we considered this. but then we realized, just as nauseatedly, that we HAD been doing those things. we never stopped loving her or caring about her.
and yet... when we came back from the sideways trip, she insisted we hated her. that we hated everyone. that we hated god. no matter what we did or said, she wouldn't change her mind.
jessica can't accept that. not entirely. it's too painful.
but... she at least admitted that it was true.

----------------

airport.

lying in bed with oliver.
on porch, just sleeping on the cat pillow.
lying together on the couch.

nat and leon kissing ollie
infi and I cofronting a bit, feeling like that ink

"I NEED MY WINGS"

phone tarot readings, asking god to speak through them. SUPER ACCURATE.

going to eat lunch with oliver and mason! really awesome.
fried perch, fried okra, etc. extremely good, very happy about that

anchor and fishhook bracelets.

trying super hard to eat a good dinner. ALMOST made it.
then someone forced too much and we felt dirty and wrong and that triggered an abusive binge meltdown.
but god knows we tried. we really tried.

also god knows we needed this to happen because we LEARNED A LOT FROM IT.

tons of shame about the simple act of eating. especially talking about it.
"messy" meals are automatically deserving of damnation, essentially

 

 

I'm actively suicidal tonight.

If I had enough pills I would. If I had a sharp enough blade I would. If I had access to a highway overpass or apartment roof I would.


I'm so scared and I'm in so much pain and the dissociative abuse is getting so bad now that our body is just... collapsing.

We had an explicit and disturbing rape nightmare last night that was unbearably painful and so we felt filthy and wrong and dirty all day and that just opened the door for numb fronters to come in and further decimate the body, wanting nothing more than to utterly destroy the source of such intolerable suffering.


...

I dont know what else to say.

I feel like vomiting because someone bought all this shit with our Christmas money that we were SUPPOSED to be saving and now I'm desperate and scared because can we even sell this stuff??
I'm so damn sad. I want to sell every fcking item in this room, I am so damn tired of owning things.
If I can't sell them I'll donate them. I just want it all gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.


I'm so damn tired.

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@10:36 PM

 

...

the universe just... threw so much synchronicity at me after we posted that last entry.

even worse(better), 75% of it related directly to the blue guy.

...

god,
this is why i stay alive, for little things like this.

...

i'm going to try and do some creative work instead of anything else.
i'm obsessively reading religious stuff again (as the thought immediately upon closing the last entry was "we need to just become a priest or join a monastery") but it's breaking my heart because of all the lgbt+ discrimination still going on within it and it's only going to make our mood worse.

nevertheless we were led to some good links through that search too.
i did find a word for what we've been needing lately. hesychasm. it's the "going within to pray" bit. we've been so crushed by fear, guilt, and shame-induced despair lately that we haven't been praying much solely because we feel too filthy to do so.
and then that word led us to articles like this.
...i don't know. nights like tonight feel like getting your face washed after after having been asleep in the dirt for weeks. it's... a door opening. a hand offered. it's a step up. it's nice. we need this.


we also just logged into our dA fanart account and... geez. i forgot we used to draw so much. what was that like?
i wonder if we can get the wacom working on here well again. i'd like to at least try to draw... practice makes perfect after all, and we won't make any improvements if we don't put forth the effort first.




anyway. our sole obstacle to all this is the ego-based alter group that is isolated from our spiritual progress out of pride and/or apathy. the plague. tar isn't asdangerous in this sense because it's utterly annihilatory but it can't take root in this sort of psychospiritual state unless the plague does first. the plague scoffs and spits and jeers and mocks, calls everything sensitive and fragile and honest "stupid" and "shameworthy," and then the tar steps in and screams that you're a whore who deserves to die.
that's difficult to stand up against sometimes. jay can do it, but jay has the luxury of isolation from the things that other alters like jessica hold. real sins, things that MERIT shame and guilt and fear. they hear those accusations not as empty curses but as legitimate condemnations, and out of unbearable horror they just perpetuate their "sinful state," feeling they have no other option, feeling they are unworthy of anything better, too terrified to attempt to do anything good because every effort is met with more internal hateful screaming.
we've talked about this. it's still an issue.
but we are making progress.


talking about this right now isn't helping, at least, me talking about this isn't helping, because i'm just rambling it off. i'm not feeling what we apparently need to feel, the brightness and hope and faith and such.


let the artists try to draw, let us figure out why there's still so much shame tied to THAT, too, and get rid of it.

...there it is, though, we talked about that too, it's shame at loving anything, shame at ever taking personal joy in anything, especially something we did ourselves... shame in the fear that it's all pride, all manipulation, all promiscuity, and that fear is fed by jessica and the brown jezebel reveling in those very sins and proclaiming that "that's the REAL us," and then the alters on her level live their days trembling and shaking in terror because "if we die, are we going straight to hell?" believing her and being totally unaware of the healing the headvoices have done.

...
we'll figure this out. we'll get this properly integrated and smoothed out so it doesn't rip gashes in our hands anymore when we touch it.

but the previous alter was right. we need to... untap from the internet, just tap into us, something we haven't done in far too long, at least not for long enough.

...i'll work through any shame that hits me, any inherited fears. that's my job.


but like i said.
the universe is giving us that sad-eyed look of compassion, the feeling of "here, look, listen, you're still my beloved child, you're still worthy in my eyes, just do better. i have faith in you. i know you can do it." and it's not a condemnation. "do better" doesn't mean "you're absolute sh*t," it means "you're currently hurting yourself terribly and treating yourself utterly unworthily of what you are. i want to see you better, i want to see you happy, and i will help you walk that road out of suffering, even if it's a painful road. you CAN do it."
but deep down our most damaged ones are so afraid, they keep perpetuating abuse cycles, they're so hopeless,
they're the ones we need to work with first, and fast.
i'll try to talk to a few of them tonight. show them good things. show them that they're worth love and happiness too, absolutely.
jess-jezebel is sneering at me, scoffing. why? what in the world harm would it do you if these lost girls learned to lov themselves? why do you turn away in deaf discomfort when i start talking like this?

there's a lot of knee-jerk hate and anger and despair in this body, and it's tied to the socials, and we need to heal it.

therapy is tomorrow. we'll make progress then.


as of right now, i'm going to soak up this wave of love and reassurance from existence, and i'm going to ring with it like a cathedral bell, and i don't care who tries to laugh and point fingers at me and condemn me for feeling. there's nothing "wrong" about this.
"yes there is," she says,
what's wrong with it then?
"you're feeling love."
and?
"it's disgusting."
they say the word itself like it's rotten. they spit their judgment with bitter revulsion.

i don't get where that came from, but there it is, and it's tied to jess-jezebel and her caustic muddy pride, burning and painful, with a face-splitting sneer and hate in her coalfire eyes.
where did she come from, what's her deal?

is all we can do against her is just exist? is just being the most effective tactic we can use?
when they make it excruciatingly difficult just to front, just to stay in the body, just to project an overlay without them clawing at it and ripping us apart, maybe the most powerful act we can make is to just not give in. just keep trying. never give up.

laurie's liking this. and this is the first we've tapped into headspace all day.
she can see me now and she's tearing up and grinning and asking "where the f* have you been" and
this feeling is what i live for.
this blooming of clear light and color all through our chest, out through our arms, up into our face and head, expanding like a sphere of brilliance outwards.
and when that happens, we feel alive. we want to live. the road to the future appears. the present moment exists. we feel alive.


i think this is what the previous author needs to feel.

i know physical life is hard, love. you're incredibly brave for even dealing with it in the first place. but don't let it overwhelm you. it's just one part of existence. you're always welcome up here, and if you ever need a rest, or reassurance, or just comfort, we're here for you. always.
we'll help you out with the hard work down there whenever you need it, so just ask. or at least keep the channels open if you can. we'll help you out. it'll be okay. i promise.


we can do this if we do it together. that's the only catch, and it's a pretty nice one if i do say so myself.


time to log off. have a good night everyone.

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SHERLOCK EPISTEME ???



Why are you so bloody angry.

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE FREAKING BROKTHER FROM WORK BUT THEY TOLD US "EAT YOU WHROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SO WE HAVE TO FFCCKIGN "EAT" SHIT2B,NZDV A
BEFORE WE GO AND I DON’T FCKNG WANT TO ITS FISDHFDFUXGZDSFVNHDKJFFFFFFO L


Stop abusing the keyboard, that's how you broke our last computer. Tell us what the heck Is making you so angry.

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I CANT DO SHIT EVERYTIONE IS TELLING ME "DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS TO DUTHEBFS DO THATZ1:"!:!!!!" AND WE OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT QUIET TIME TO OUTSELF TO TYPE AND WHATEVER BUT I DON’T KNOW WE DON’T HAVE THAT FUKCING TIME BECAUSE WHENEVER WE DO SHE COMES OUT THAT SELFISH STUPID PROUD BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW HER LAURIE SHE'S A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO O'M PSISED OFF BECAUSE SHE CKEEPS COMING THE FCK OUT AND BEING ALL SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND PISSY OROUD AND FCKING SHIT AND IN THE MEANTIME WE NEED TO DO STUFF FOR THEF AMILY BEU SHE SHJUST WANTS TO DO HER SHIT AND I HATE HER. I HATE HER. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IER HAER IA HAER

Calm the heck down. Who are you talking about? This kid?

THAT GIRL. YEAH. THE ONE TIED TO THE OLD GREEN LIVEJOURNAL PICTURES UPSTAIRS. WHOEVER SHE IS. SHE'S A BITCH. I HATE HER.
SHE WANTS EVERYTHING TO BE ABOUT HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SO DAMNED SMART. PREACHING ALL THE FCKING TIME. ASSUMING SHE HAS ALL THE FCKING ANSWERS. I HATE HER.

Shoot, this is what we see in the brother, isn't it.

HYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES SHE ACTS THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is she tied to the given name?

Almost? The response we're getting from it is a mix of her and Jezebel, I think?

It's an angry response to the given name, always. An angry, self-hating, world-hating response. Identical to the brother.

Holy swords. It really is.

That explains a lot.

So. Let's close this up. We're angry because…?

We're not angry, they're angry, and she's angry because-- are you a she?

CLOSE ENOUGH. ALL THE ANGRY PEOPLE USUALLY ARE.

Yeah we need to fix that too.

It all branches from the core, Laurie.

SHE'S NOT THE COER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH IS NOT THE CORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!!!!!!! SO TELL THE THERAPIST TO STOP CALLING HER THAT TOO BECAUSE I FCKING BHATE HER AS A RESULT

Okay, okay. We can't tell her right now but we will on Monday. Shoot, didn't we just try telling her yesterday though? That "Jessica" is an alter?

She feels like Jezebel, that's the scary part.

Probably tied, they're both old after all.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE JESSICASN AND I HATE THEM ALL

Yeah, that name is pretty bloody evil up here, I know. Geez, we need to fix that.

WHY. THEY'RE BITCHES.

We need to fix it because there's too much hatred in the System as a result of them existing and we need to get rid of that. Heal them somehow, if not, then get them the heck out of here.

I DON’T WANT THEM HEALED. THEY'RE BITCHES. I WANT THEM DEAD.

You know, healing doesn't mean they're going to stay as they are now, right? Julie didn't. I mean, look at her. She's nowhere near what she was before she joined us. Maybe those "bitches" can do the same.

…I DON’T KNOW. I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. AND ALL THE SHIT THEY DO.

Now why do you hate them, just because of their actions, right?

AND THEIR PERSONALITIES. YOU KNOW THEM.

Yeah, I do. Sorry, I've been slipping a heck of a lot lately.

We know, Laurie. Just be careful.

THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!! ACTING AS AN "OBSERVER" AND JUDGING US ALL AS SHIT. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU GODFFORSAKEN BITCH?????????? JUST BECASUESE YOU CAN SIT IN THE BODY AND JUDGE MY SPELING AND THINK "OH WELL I CAN JUST WAETCH YOU THAT MUST MEAN ITS ALL FAKE!!!!!!!!!!" ARE YOU TYPONIG THIS, BITFCH??????????? NO. YOUR HANDS AREN'T DOINGA DAMN THING. HOW DOES THAT FEL, WHORE???? TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOURH HANDS?????????? THAT YEAH YOU CAN WATCH ALL YOU WANT BUT YUORES STUCK IN THE SKULL. YOU CA'T EVEN MOVE THE BODY. I CAN DO WHTEVER THE HECK I WANT. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????????????????????????????////

Holy smokes, that's a milestone.

What?

Realizing there's a level split with those alters. THAT'S why they're always proclaiming they're the "cores," because they're under the false delusion that they are,simply because they can watch us. They're cut off from us, so they assume that anything other than them is fake.

Geez.

So that's good to know. That also explains the huge numb periods that show up whenever they do decide to watch, because their immediate action upon showing up is to cut off all contact to headspace. They don't WANT to know about us, because we're "fake," but even moreso than that, we know they're guilty. We can count their sins on our hands. We KNOW they're being bitches, and people like you who hate them, well they hate you the most, because you don't let them get away with their garbage.

I KNOW!!!! SO YO REALIZE I'M GOOD??? YOU DON’T' THINK
YOU DON'T THINK I'M EVIL OR HATE ME?? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?

Who's "everyone else?"

THE FAMILY--

SEE THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER IMMEDIATE RESPONSE TO THE GRANDMOTHER WAS TO SAY "FCK YOU" WHEN SHE ASKED WHAT DAY IT WAS, NOW SHE'S GLOWERING AND GLARING JUST LIKE THE BROTHER WHO THE FCK IS THIS, LAURIE KILL HER, GET RID OF HER, SHE'S EVILM, SHE'S HOLDING US ALL BACK, SHE'S SABOTAGING ALL OUR SPIRITUAL PROGRESS, SHE'S ANNIHILATING OUR LOVE AND HOPE AND DREAMS AND TURNING IT INTO ADDICTION AND SELF-HATRED AND ABUSIVE CYCLES AND SHIT KILL HER; PLEASE. KILL HER

Kid I can't even try to kill someone permanently if the System won't allow it, and if I can't reach them I can do even less trying. That's the problem. "Floating alters" like her and you, socials as it were, are out of my reach. That ticks me off and makes me really existentially upset but hey, them's the breaks. I've gotta deal. Believe me, if I could reach her, I'd have my axe in her face in a bloody second.

How does that existentially upset you?

Makes me question my purpose. My existence, and the reason thereof. "Protect the System. Protect the cores." And THAT'S a whole other thing, realizing that at least one of the "cores" I used to protect ended up being a bitch. …That's really heartbreaking.

Which one?

The first one, the one in the Xangas who almost dated Q or something equally mindless and who was dramatic as hell. She just turned toxic after so many years. That's probably why I was so furious with her all the time. …Man. Hindsight seriously hurts.

Why, realizing you didn't know it then?

I didn't know they change. I didn't bloody know that they weren't all the same person, just shifting up. I thought… I didn't bloody realize that there were splits.Maybe in 2010 that was the first one, with the suicide attempt. …Maybe there were splits even before that, I don't know. It's so far out of memory I can't even reach it anymore. …And that heartless girl keeps freaking watching us type and judging it all as bullshit and I bloody hate you, I hate to say that but I hate you for the hatred in you and how you hate EVERYONE but yourself and God forgive me but if I could kill you I would.

Laurie--

(But you can't, bitch)

WHAT did you just say to me???????

Laurie, what are you doing--

Trying to kill a bloody social. Watch me.



…Confound it all, I can't do it, she keeps coming back. I can't bloody reach her.

Can someone else take her spot?

Man I hope so. I hope so. It's just going to take a heck of a lot of determination, get someone else in there to watch at all times. That's going to be a conscious effort because the non-conscious default is that BITCH.

…Where'd that angry floating alter go?

She's not around because I'm catching the anger right now. Floating ones catch vibes. That stuff runs through the blood of everyone in the System. 'Swhy there are so many split anchors. Geez. I'm sorry, my head hurts, can we close this up?

Yeah, I'm just scared that when we leave, that "Jessica" girl is going to come back and screw things up.

Well… to hell with her. To hell with her, it's where she bloody belongs.

Laurie. Don't let the hatred kill you too.

…I'm sorry, Lynne, it just hurts so much.

I know. But… don't let it kill you.

…Okay. Okay, I'll calm down. I'm really sorry, it just… it gets so bad.

I know, Laurie. I've felt it too, remember, and it's toxic stuff. That's why I'm saying be careful.

We need to go inside and work on this but those bitches won't let us--

Hey, do you think it's because the bro's around now? Like he keeps triggering those vicious girls because they act just like him?

Shoot, probably. We'll have to tell the therapist on Monday. Anyway we have to close this up as we do have errands to run and then we have church and that bitch is already trying to push through and control everybody but to hell with you, there is more to life than you, we exist outside of you and far past you and when everything bloody dies on this planet WE'RE going to go on beyond it and YOU are going to bloody dissolve with the rest of the devil's work. Mark my words. We're eternal. You're not.

…

Sorry. I'm really badly distraught, Lynne, I need some downtime. Hold me or something, come on, I need comfort.

Haha, all right Laurie. …Sorry you're feeling like this.

I know. …I love you guys, okay? I'm only doing this because I want the best for us, all of us.

Even them?

…Yeah. Ultimately, even them. I just… I'm sorry, I let the hate get the better of me. It's toxic stuff, like you said. But it's…

Intoxicating?

No, I don't like it. It's poisonous. It's overwhelming, it gets in you and won't get out, but while it's in there it's so bloody distressing it takes all your attention.

It's cathartic.

That's it!

I know.

Terribly stupid how ironic that is, huh.

Yeah.

…Should we close this up?

Yeah, errands. We'll continue this later if we need to. As for now, we need someone to consciously front in the System so we don't sabotage all our efforts again.

Isn't Jay supposed to do that?

He's supposed to, but he's hard to find when hatred is swamping the body, as he's incompatible with that.

Can't he flush it out though?

Yeah, he can, the problem is getting him IN there. And keeping him there, when the girls want him dead.

They do??

Yeah, no kidding, he's the antithesis of everything they stand for.

Well I can see why you hate them now.

Let me affectionately sass you for a second. Don't let it kill you.

Ahaha, I walked right into that one.

Still applies!

Yeah, thanks Laurie.

You too, Jo, I know you catch this bad, too.

Sometimes. I do.

Yellow's a tough color as far as anger is concerned. But really, we need to close this up. Think of Infinitii with all this Black stuff, that's what I wanted to say first.

Ah, that's a good idea.

Isn’t it? Transmutation. Infinitii kicked it in the teeth, when they were trying to use hir for their evil ends, now look at hir. Perfect example of transcendence there. Now let's go, we have work to do. Jo, lighten up, this mood doesn't suit you.

It's hard to let go of properly, Laurie.

…Shoot, wasn't Jay just typing about this too? Remind him, talk to him later, about the Yellow concerns. Okay?

Hehe. Aye-aye, Captain.

There we go, that's a start. Just be careful, you too.

We need to talk about this later!!

Thank you! I'm terrible at closing things, let's just do that already.

Sounds good to me!

 

 

 

I want my innocence back.
I want to be able to feel love that isn’t tainted by the fear of it “needing to be sexual.”
I/we have been used and lied to and manipulated for so long that those bad thought processes have some ugly thorny roots in our head, and I want them gone.

Love is pure. My love is pure. Jay’s love is pure, Infinitii’s love is pure, ALL of our love is pure, why the heck do people keep telling them/us that “if you truly love someone, you will want to have sex with them??”

No. It’s not that. True love means you want to be close to them. You want your HEARTS to be brought together, and even that is hard for me to say because of how intimate it is! (And I accidentally typed “infimate,” I think ze’ll appreciate that.)

I wrote about this before, how I’m tired of this grown-up sexuality thing. I’m still 13, I’m not interested in that, and I won’t ever be. But I feel sorry for Jay… he never got to be a kid like me; he’s 21 I think? Somewhere in his early 20s. But he’s not truly adult? His heart is very young I think. And he doesn’t love people in “that way either.”

But we have bad, bad, abusive introjects in our system that don't care about love at all, and that's the problem.
Jay gets so scared. So scared. I feel bad for him. That's why I'm trying to front more, I don't deal with the bad stuff, it gives him a break from worrying. But according to Laurie, those abusive introjects are trying to hurt me too.
Well I won't let them. I won't EVER let them.



--------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:41 PM

101815

- FIRST SNOW OF THE SEASON!!! Jay was psyched
- went to a concert at the old university. “Rhodes” came out? full name is rhodolite. “softer side” of cannon. Tied to the “formal concert occasion” vibe; still felt like she could be an artist though?
- went walking across campus with gen. Memories mostly tied to spinzor.

- ATTEMPTED RESET during concert, of ALL White holders, Infinitii, and CZ.
- not sure how it affected the white holders. Seemed to stick with infi and cz, NEEDS TO BE FOCUSED ON.
infi should be keeping the look extra-vertebrae got down from now on, with the iridescence, AND the dual eye + mouth on face. Lots of integrity there.
- cz LOSING THE RUBY in his innerspace self and it being replaced with a HEADSPACE CUBE JEWEL. All aqua too. makes sense as the ruby-resonance wasslipping for a while as his aquamarine self-fracture had it all instead

- cel was fronting at some point today I think?? Not sure. Her eyes are solid lime green now btw
- jay has a profoundly accurate resonance with the sound of harp harmonics. Realized that during the concert; he teared up immediately upon hearing them, thought “that’s me.” we managed to record the best ones (had a strong feeling to do so) so hopefully we'll be able to upload it eventually?


- wreckage in car talking to laurie. Sobbing, “what do we do,” worried about fronting situation, “why are there socials made to function in the outside world; I’ve seen it, we should have NOTHING to do with it”
- problems with white vibes??? Iridescence tied to “tumblr aesthetic” stuff and now viewed as too “ignorantly childish” and negative. Glitter is unsure. Rainbow light is still safe but it “needs to be kept pure;” wreckage recognized that the “pure hearted ones” are the ones that get targeted the most. But said jay SHOULD be our main fronter, he just had to not get corrupted by the outside; this awful unfairness made her cry again
- telling laurie to keep her color; “if you get lost then we’re all lost.” Said tons of other headvoices look up to her as a “guiding light”
- angry screaming sobbing voice on the way down. Hurt the voice a lot. She kept sobbing on the drive down, laurie told her just keep driving, someone was relying on us. Person said “it wasn’t fair” that if the body died (to free us) then we all died? “why can’t we just start a new game together in a body that SHE isn’t in” etc.

- jay fronting in the kitchen after all this, said to laurie that he was “perfectly happy” just to be alive in that moment. After everything else that evening we needed that, desperately


- no hacks, no sickness, although we did have to purge what someone tried to eat. But we’re actually rather okay.
- computer setup irritating wrist but it does seem to be healing.

- injokes of the past few days have been great:
1) jay talking about how he felt more angelic physically, like "something out of the book of revelation," what with all the eyes and wings and such. laurie joking that if the prophet john ever saw him we'd get "the book of revelation 2: the sequel" and that it would open with john essentially saying "you are not going to believe the sh*t i've just seen"
2) genesis pronouncing "cornichons" hilariously wrong after seeing a bottle of them in the store, did this all the way home, i was cracking up
3) pill bottle in kitchen caught the light and was exactly leon's indigo color. it was vitamin e. laurie said this was "vitamin excellent" and that explained why both leon and nat were such cool dudes

- forgot to mention. the other day at work, kyanos was ATTACKED BY JEZEBEL in headspace?? she was mocking him for having "no weapons" and was demanding he defend himself or else. i think he ended up taking off his branch crown/halo thing and using it almost like a discus or chakram, used his feathers as throwing darts almost (they came off almost glassy?). not sure. but he was very scared, rather desperate, i know some other centralites showed up and saved him but it was scary.
- also. sylvain has an inner form now!! he's no longer a faceless social. maybe because he's been out so often lately in succession with internal people, his vibe is solidifying. david was comforting him about something he was scared of, suddenly realized that david is a year or two older than sylvain. he has aged slightly so that is interesting too.

 

(negative entry by unidentified author. uncensored as a result.)

 

i have no words right now

someone is screaming "YOU BITCH, YOU FCKING BITCH, HOW DAREYOU" and i dont blame them but i am too numb too tired

too sick too scared too numb frlm being unable to cope with the cinstant barrage of terror in this damned body

god it is hell living in a body that is our enemy it has a mind of its own it is evil evil evil
god i dont want to livein it i am so tired i am so scared i want to slepe forever i want it to stop.


the family found our razors.
and took them.
and lied about it.

and lied about it

GIVE THEM BACK
CURSE YOU
GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CURSE YOU
LEAVE US ALONE

I HATE YOU YOU HEATHEN BITCHES GIVE THEM BACK


they act so fake stupid "caring" simpering whiny BITCHES shut up shut up

never do anything good, make our struggles worse, exacerbate our triggers on purpose, "we're helping" no youre not please stop
they never stpo
NO PERSONAL SPACE
ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU WHORE OF A WOMAN
YOU DONT TOUCH PEOPLE LIKE THAT
you are so lucky i've never attacked you because next time you do something like that i WILL


i want our razors back
god help us i want them back

i want to go inside forever and never come out

i never want to eat again
i cannot remember thelast time we ate something and didnt vomit
i cant cope
i cannot bear it anymore

i dont want to eat

i am scared of this body it is too big
it is not strong enough
it is triggering so badly just being in it
i dont want to be in it
i never want to see amirror again
i never want to see a mirror ever

i dont want to talk
shut up
stop asking us questions I DONT WANT TO TALK

THAT ISNT OUR NAME
SHUT UP STOP CALLING US BY THAT SLUTS NAME THAT ISNT US


we had friends once
well we do now, yes, three
but way back when we had apparently a larger group? i dont know
deviantart days, old timelines, we dont remember it at all
but there is evidence, there was actual friendshiP? i think?
and lately weve felt so so so alone
"get a support group" they say
"talk to people" they say
im miserable
i hate being different when it ostracizes me
i hate being told that i "have to act like this" when i just want to scream and vomit
from feeling so scared and trapped and sad
god please i want it to stop


i want it to stop
i want all of this to stop

i want friendship and comfort and community
BUT GUESS WHAT
AS LONG AS WE'RE IN THIS WHORE OF A BODY WE CANT HAVE THOSE THINGS
BECAUSE SHE WILL SCREW EVERYTHING UP

god i am so tired
i am so unbearably miserable


were out of hormones
they wont renew them
we no longer have transportation to philadelphia

god what do we do

maybe we can catch a bus
we cant drive to philly we'd black out on the turnpike
maybe we can take a bus to our appointment
would that be safe? could we survive in the city alone?
god knows we have enough trouble coping at home
losing time and forgetting where we are and everything


god what is going on in our life
we're being stretched too thin lately
getting up at 7 and not sitting down until 11pm
doing everything for the family
sacrificing everything we can
feeling like a selfish pampered whore when we dare to buy "food" for ourself
so we just buy things to abuse ourself with
"because we dont deserve anything good"
etc.
it's horrible
but frankly that sense of nondeserving is focused on this damned body
she does not deserve anything good for what she does
she is horrible and we want her DEAD

but the therapist said alters dont die
none of them do
which means that bitch cant stay dead either
god what do we do
how do we transmute that
something pure evil and terrifying that we've been fighting since we were seven years old
i am so tired



how do we fix our medical condition
how do we get our prescription fixed
i cant stop the hormones
i know it sounds shallow and selfish but they are the only things giving us hope
the possibility that ONE DAY we will finally look and feel safe, objectively
is all we are living for some days
if you stop them again,
god please i cannot cope with the body reverting again
not after last time that was horrific
no wonder we lost so much time in the spring
i never looked at ti that wayt


how do we cope

they took our razors
they took our razors

i havent talked to her abotu this
shes in shocl=k
sitting there with a thousand yard stare, unable to process this
god i am so sorry
what do we do

we still have a knife
not a very good one but its something
hidden as well as we can right now
god pelase dont let them find that too


i dont know
i am so so so sad
cant cry because if the body cries then jezebel starts attacking us
the body is a traitor
that makes spine very sad
"this body is a temple" everyone tells us
the grandmother values our body more than our soul
it makes me want to puke
shut up
she values the damned skin bag we're in more than she values the spirit in it
i am so sick
this body is a traitor
we are only ever alive inside
you know what
maybe it will make me "really insane" in the eyes of the faimly
maybe it will tear our family apaert
i dontknow
id ont know
but
i want to go inside and never come out.
i want to go upstairs and stay there forever

i want to slepe all day and never wake up
i dont want to deal with this body hell i cant lately
i cant its making thingsworse
i cant figure out how to cope anymore

"learn to enjoy your grief" that woman said today
we got so seethingly pained and angry
curse you, you're thhe kind of peolpe that tell us "learn to enjoy r*pe because nothing in life is real!!!!"
"dont fight back learn to ENJOY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!"
you heathen devils
morality is still a thing
call me deluded and foolish, fine
but i cannot live in your amoral hell anymore
pretending everything is fine because "everything is neutral"
shove off.
not like that it isnt.


i keep hearing every spiritual correction as flat-out damnation
"integrity is uncompromising" that is true and it makes perfect sense
but the immediate translation is "integrity is uncompromising, bitch, so stop being such a gutless loser and ruining your life"
is that tough love?
thats what laurie used to be like
in a way i really raelly miss that
because when she said it there was somehow still love in it
i dont know
we are still so convinced we are sheer evil
no thanks to this bdoy and the evil girls in it
but that makes it very hard to live as we already ARE
i mean when WE are running the show things are perfectly okay
we dont abuse the body, we are kind and compassionate, we are NOT bad people
but then these gluttons and hackers slip us out and move in and start destroying everything
why?
because we are so exhausted and sad and tired that we let our guard down

it is so hard to feel emotions anymore
it is so hard to feel anything
the only time i even respond to hacks now is if i am told that someone ELSE is being hurt
i dont defend "myself'" anymore
because "myself" is an alien concept, and defending the body is an alien concept
because it is so detached from us and to be honest i cannot cope with the reality of hacks
not yet
its too terrifying, i never learned how to grapple with that fear,
how do you cope with THAT
with sharing a body with THAT

and they took our razors.
how on earth are we supposed to cope NOW

god help me, i even told laurie, tonight i just bled until it didnt hurt anymore,
god forgive me i felt clean for the first time in weeks,
bleeding out all that toxic sludge
i actually felt like things were good for a while.
like we were going to be okay.

and then they actually snuck in the room afterus
and TOOK THEM

YOU BLIND FOOLS DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE HECK YOU JUST DID

oh and then our MOTHER snuck into our room
without telling us
"oh hey theres a county fait going on and im going to enter yourstuff!!!"
took the shirts we just painted
"im going to enter these without your permission!!!!!!!!!!"
we didnt even realize she took them until we couldnt find them later
we are NOT COMFORTABLE witht the idea of or original work hanging up on display ina barn like that
please dont do that
putting our art on display like that, ESPECIALLY highly personal art of characters we know,
you airheaded woman turning it into a slutty display game for money and ribbons,
THIS ISNT A PAGEANT YOU KNOW
THIS ISNT A PERFORMANCE YOU TROLLOP
HOW DARE YOU
HOW DARE YOU


god help me its like i neever stopped being a child
especially with this second-teenage thing with the hormones
i never got past that stage you know
the whoele "hey yuor body is changing welcome to hell!!!!!!!" thing
never got over it
couldnt bear it
its a bit better now, our voice is lowering and god i never told you how profoundly comforting that is did i
to be able to talk and sing low
it is so so so calming and centering. thank god. thank you god.
still getting facial hair too. muscle gain is better.'
but everything else, is invisible yet.
still look to much like the bad people to feel safe yet.
but were still a child with all this
still years away from being an adult and not knowing how to manage that harsh world all of a sudden

i dontknow i m babbling.



a few good things about today
1) laurie's 9th birthday
2) bro called us in to watch him fight sahelanthropus (which is abjectly terrifying) in mgs5; he's an mlg and he's incredible so it was really cool to watch. also this song which we both agree is awesome
3) found one of those light-up electric cube light things in the garage. gramps said we could have it. its now on our desk
4) tentatively finished painting another shirt! so tomorrow we start #8



i want to tag this as "distraught"

breathe. gotta breathe.
without dysphoria and abusive kickbacks showing up
yeah isnt THAT great
cant even do breathing meditation without these sexual demons jumping in
"oh youre BREATHING? that must mean you want someone to F*CK yuo"
WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU BITCHES
WHERE IN HELL DID THOSE THOUGHTS EVEN COME FROM

gotta focus on soemthing else.
your thoughts become yoru reality.
what you focus on yo attract.
dont want to think about this at all.

gotta type.
listen to some good music.
we WANT to exercise but the problem is we are very dehydrated again thanks to lots of vomiting
and also the past three times we exercised after 9pm we almost landed in the er
thanks to horrific vertigo, confusion, skipping heartbeats and shakes and weakness
basically only exercise late if you want to be legit convinced you are dying for several hours

i might try anyway
or at least i would if i didnt just notice it is midnight
what the heck
the last time i saw the clock it was 10pm
were blacing out toomuch lately.


anyway good night
thats it for today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Therapy on Thursday.

I didn't update as it happened (people wanted to ignore it)



numb fronter as we walked in, couldnt get them out at first
spice fronted for a WHILE, very angry
sherlock fronted momentarily
so did garrison
isadora tried but talking socially isnt her thing
jewel peeked in? left shortly
"jessica" writer girl fronted for a WHILE (NOT the brown "jess," no ties to chocoloco?)
clearly said "other people don't like when I get violent"
she hates the mother, that's her main thing. color feels vaguely indigo, like the one from 2008 or so
wreckage tried to come in, I think ashen was alerted
david did too I think

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Sometimes I think it's really dumb that I have to write down everything "bad" that happens so I can tell the therapist. I don't want to hold on to this stuff. But, I keep remembering that one phrase: "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." I can't help but feel that, stupid and ridiculous or not, that quote applies here. It's awful.

Sunday morning, I think, there was a dream hack. It was horrible. The pain in-dream was so excruciating that the body collapsed, and I remember almost passing out. I had fallen to the floor, in agony and delirious, and I was half-crazily praying to God to save me somehow. I thought I was dying.
Miraculously, that pain did NOT translate over to the physical body when we awoke. Thank God for that, really!! If it had translated I probably would have really died.

I know why it happened. Sleeping is painful lately, what with surgery recovery, and if we lie flat down it hurts even more. So, we have to carefully prop up the body in a way that won't make our limbs go numb, and will still allow us to breathe, without straining the abdomen so badly we can't get back out of bed easily afterwards (which will happen if we fall down flat). Anyway, since it is tricky, we usually wake up several times during the night hurting. We haven't been sleeping well in any case. There have been lots of nightmares.
Anyway. Sunday, we woke up around 6AM, only having about 5 hours of sleep so far. So we made the mistake of going back to sleep as the sun was rising.
Here's a note: sleeping during sunlight equals HACKS!!! I don't know why, but it's a constant. The "danger zone" happens whenever you try to sleep when it's light out. It's Plague stuff I think. Bad stuff. So we kind of feared it would happen, but what else could we do?

I'm standing here and the legs are covered in blood and I'm fine, but whoever was out before me definitely was not.
There's a problem lately: no emotions, but expression of emotions. Like, "I feel like I should be upset about this, or that it would be right to feel upset about this, but there's no actual feeling!" Like after hacks. You KNOW you're "upset," "sad," "angry," et cetera, but there's no actual emotion. It's an empty void, a blank space. There's nothing. There's just this "knowledge" that, even if you don't actually feel it, you know you aren't happy about this situation. And then someone fronts, and starts to try and scream or cry or something, but there are no emotions, and the second they stop it's poker face city. It's highly confusing and rather upsetting, to know that there should be an emotion there but there isn't.
Even worse, we still have those not-so-floating voices (alters?? the therapist is making us question a lot of things we took for granted or glossed over) who are full of hatred for anyone who shows "weakness or stupidity." There was a problem today; someone was eating as a "coping mechanism"-- the need to organize, to fix something, to clean something, to destroy something. It's all projected coping needs that we can't find a way to meet elsewhere, so it comes out unhealthily. But it was 5:05, and then the grandmother walks in, stops, smiles sadly/flatly at us, and says "You didn't make it."
Now she likely meant well. She knows we like to stop eating at 5PM every day, but sometimes we don't eat "breakfast" until 4PM so that makes things tricky, since we have to prepare the food that day too. So she meant, "it's after 5 already." But it hurt! What a way to say it! Why would you say it such a way?
Immediately the brain heard those words through the hurt. "You're still eating, you wretched thing?" "You failed." "There's a strict set of rules you must meet to be "good," and guess what? You didn't make it." In short, what we heard was, " You failed to do what was good and right, again. I'm disappointed in you, but I didn't expect anything different. You're a disgrace and a shame."
All I know is that this person's "appetite" bottomed out and immediately they wanted to burn every edible item in the kitchen. They fought off the urge to forcibly vomit out of shame right then and there, and walked out to sit on the porch in the cold, feeling utterly filthy and animalistic, like they no longer deserved to show their hedonistic face among human beings.
A few minutes later the grandmother stomps out onto the porch, sighing angrily, half-shouting. "What are you doing now? Stop being so ridiculous. Get back in here."
We tried to explain how we felt, to apologize for being such a humiliation, but she cut us off. "Oh, I don't want to hear this again! You've gotta stop that." Then as we went to walk in the door, she (unknowingly?) shut the door right in our face. There was a moment of shock-- dulled by the fact that we hadn't felt any emotions this whole time-- and then someone went and slumped against the chimney and tried to cry. Unfortunately, the feelings of self-horror and hatred were so potent, that one of those "floating alters" spoke up. "Shut the hell up, you faggot bastard!!!" That's the one that hates crying, and calls anyone who dares to cry because they're "sad" the most awful name they can imagine. They see crying as selfish, manipulative, and downright disgusting. In their eyes, people who cry are doing the emotional equivalent of grabbing someone forcibly by the face and dragging them in the direction you want them to go. It's profane emotional abuse, crying is, to them. So we aren't allowed to cry because it's "evil."
So that shut down, easily enough, because nothing was actually being felt… convincing us that we were "evil" and manipulative, because who else would cry without actually feeling sad? The only thing we felt was this ugly, corrosive, dirty feeling of wrongness, like we were trash, utter garbage, and did not deserve to be conscious.
We ended up back inside the house somewhere around there but the memory cuts out for about two, three hours around that time.
There's too much memory loss lately. It's scary. It's unbearable.


…I lit some candles for optimism, but the black one ended up overflowing like a volcano and spitting sludge all into the pink one, only. That's awful symbolism and it's scaring me a little.

There was a real hack, Sunday night I think. The same day of the dream hack as far as I know. It was in the living room, someone went into a trance from the red lights and that is all I know. We found the culprit, because they tried to attack Chaos and he freaked out, then it went after Genesis, but Infi showed up and neutralized it, so there's no hack data other than the initial "someone bad is here" shock of the culprit fronting and Wreckage realizing it. Yeah, she noticed and tried to kill it, I don't know how it kept going… lots of the hackers can. I think it's because they're on the "downstairs" level, that's not tied to the System at all. It's all Socials and faceless people and floaters. It's a very dangerous, very frightening, very primal level. J---bel and J----ca's kingdom. There's so much malice in those two names, it hurts. I don't want to write them.
So we think that person was "Eros." NOT the guy we've been calling by the name Upstairs, at least we don't think so. This is the guy from 2012, the REALLY EVIL one that caused the whole Celebi trouble in January. Yeah. The EVIL guy. We think it's him, because it feels very similar to what records we have of him, and it's not a good feeling. So we're being very careful.

The real problem is that he's not the only one!!! There's at least two girls, too. One is Anna, I don't remember/know what her deal is but she exists, we're well aware of her. Long straight blonde hair and all. BUT there's another girl-- at least we think it's a girl? maybe there are two-- which is one we've been hunting for AGES, and it's the one who hijacked Jay's heart affinity and turned it into the most dangerous horrific thing ever. She's not a good person, at all, not at all, her energy is unmistakable too and they've left EVIDENCE before, on our computer, that they exist. It's always scary to find evidence, we're not used to people fronting without permission or knowledge, especially bad people.

Oh! Before I forget. The therapist wants to know who writes. I'm a "girl," more like I have a female look and I'm a teenager. But gender is "ehh." I don't think about it much. Anyway I'm a girl and I'm young and I'm happy? I'm not sad, at least. I'm more like, unfazed. So that's it.

Back to typing so I don't slip, that happens a lot with self-awareness because the darker minds in the System don't want these new voices manifesting. (Sherlock here, momentarily. Give me a minute to hand the reins back, quietly.)

So. Bad hacker girl. We don't know who she is but she was apparently around tonight. No hack data again, just the instant of realizing "oh no oh no, someone was here," and then a time gap, and then standing in the bathroom with a huge bread knife in one hand and hysterically sobbing "there's not enough blood!!" Whoever that was. I don't know. But that person realized the "no emotions" problem because although they were wracked with tears and pain, there was-- again-- no emotion being felt, which shook them up.
They were staring at a washcloth full of blood and saying it looked like a murder scene. Then they wondered if we should go to the hospital, because "this wasn't normal," they had lost so much time and they didn't know what day it was and this was no way to live, it was unbearable.
Then there's a somewhat different memory? An instant of someone leaning against the doorframe and laughing deliriously, staring at the wrists and saying "I could end this right now!" It was the sudden realization that we had a really sharp knife and we were really hopelessly distraught and it would be SO quick to just… end it all. Instantly. But something made them change their mind, because that person disappeared and then there's another time gap… yada yada yada. It keeps happening like that and it's not fun.

Anyway. They "couldn't reach God" and every time they tried to ask "do you love me" "do you forgive me" etc., the damned floating voices would jump in and lie and say "no," over and over, making the fronter feel trapped in hell and unsaveable.
Then Infi showed up. All I know is that Infinitii showed up and said "I love you," making it very clear that they weren't ignorant of the situation even so. I don't know what happened after that, I can't see it, just that ze and the fronter (did Jay come in? no? somebody else.) were talking for a little bit and now I'm here? Typing? Geez. It's 9:25 PM. The last time we remember looking at a clock it was 8:25 or so, in the kitchen, putting the knife back in the sink. Geez. And getting matches for the candles.
Someone was standing on a chair to do that (the matches are on top of the fridge) and saying (with no small amount of disgust and shame) that they felt "lonely," that they "never had any friends" because to them, a REAL friend was someone that you didn't HAVE to talk to when you were upset like this. A REAL friend would understand, and just sit with you if you just needed company, to be assured someone else kind was there for protection and compassion, who wouldn't want to chat emptily or do small talk. Which is stupid, and which is what all almost-"friends" would force us to do in the past. Real close friends talk about real close things. And we never had that, but we needed We never got close to anyone really, they never wanted to be close and it hurt. We only ever had… let me count. AMG, AAA, CL, SD maybe, BP, BD almost, Angelbee, and that's it. Seven people who were near-friends, and of all those, only ONE of them (CL) EVER treated us like one. CL treated us like a sibling, there's precious little memory of that time period of life and the only real snapshot we have is of walking across the playground with her, and she was just so happy to be with us that this surge of real honest love welled up in us, like the love you'd have for a dear friend or sister, and it was one of the first real things we ever felt. CL left us for good a few months later, but… that was real, and honest. It's worth noting that this was approximately the same life-time period that Jezebel evidenced during, so the forces were already in opposition. Ugh. Anyway, yeah. Seven people, two of them who were only "cool acquaintances," three of them who were borderline abusive, and one of them (AAA) who was never really an "official" friend (i.e. she would talk to us often but we never hung out or did stuff together) but who we adored nevertheless, as you know. So yeah, we were lonely. Are lonely, I guess, if this evening's admittance by who-knows-who was honest enough.
We did have internet friends, I guess? I forgot. They've fallen into the "lost years," the ones scrubbed dry by programming or trauma or whatever. We don't remember them at all; whoever befriended them is LONG gone and did not leave any first-person memories that we can find. But that's not relevant now, and that stuff physically hurts to look for.
Where was I. Oh yeah. After that hack, and bleeding all over the bathroom (we got really dizzy, not sure if it was from blood or stress or whatever, but it was a little worrisome), and losing even more time, and wanting to throw up, and feeling utterly isolated, yeah we were kind of lonely. We were unplugged from headspace too, and to be honest I don't know if that helped or hindered the situation? There is a LOT of hate for headspace on the downstairs level, with the socials and other faceless fronters, because to them "headspace" is synonymous with "the world and people that only exist because of hacking." In other words, "headspace is a living reminder of hell, and as far as we are concerned, its very presence promotes more suffering and pain." So the socials HATE headspace, and will deny/ slander/ curse/ try to annihilate it at every opportunity. Sadly, because of that split, there's no way to get help from headspace (someone just shouted "we don't want it!!"). Well, there you go. Don't shoot the messenger, guys, I'm just typing. ("For who?") For anyone, I'm just keeping records of this so we can actually deal with this trouble with the therapist maybe, and keep it from ever happening again.

I hope. We wish. This has been going on for 7 years, plus-- no, longer than that, almost 10 now. We aren't sure. When did the hacks really start? So much time is gone, but so many of us are so young, we can't tell.
We keep forgetting about "childhood trauma" too. We laugh at it, actually. It feels like all fairy tales, like some scary story made up to make other children behave. We don't remember having a childhood. Our memory doesn't "start" until 8th grade, really. 2003, going into 2004, that's when headspace put down its first "roots," even though Jewel manifested years prior, and others (Julie, Jezebel, etc.) even earlier. Still, all of that feels foggy and vague, almost like a prologue, or something slightly off-kilter. "Solid" memory, the "beginning," is in the 8th grade classroom. 2003, let's say. And then time disappears for several years, and the next thing we have a "solid" memory of is 2011 or so. Is it? Did Cannon leave any solid memories? No?
It's weird. Cannon and Glissando both were at MU, that awesome university, but although their memories are very clear, it's nevertheless fogged-up by the third-person viewpoint. It feels… vague. Like we were asleep from 2004 to 2008, and began waking up slowly. There's little data until closer to 2009, I think? And then it's gone AGAIN, because whoever was on dA for the "OCT period" (the short-haired kid here) is TOTALLY missing from all our records, we have NO clue who they were. Then 2010 was Utah, which was only know from data because there's NO actual data of that…

You know what, let me do that. It's 10PM, we're going to bed at 11 today because 1) although I would LOVE to stay up and type, it is NOT safe to sleep during the daylight!!! so 11PM is now the set bedtime, and 2) we're going to accompany the grandmother tomorrow morning at 8 to do family shopping and go to her bloodwork place. Any time we get to go in a car is gold. Cars are BEAUTIFUL. They are blessed spaces on wheels. Every car ever is a safe place, a sanctuary, and we love them. We can talk to them too, a little, like Kit in Young Wizards. Serafina (the PT) talks to us the most; she does not like when people hit potholes and she doesn't like when people say she's "not as good" as Bethany (the Suzuki). So she's kind of moody. But we're nice to her, we really do love her, and she's warming up to us more. Bethany we don't get to talk to often (we don't get to drive her much) but I'm curious, and kind of scared, to try. She's been in several accidents and there has been at LEAST one massively horrifying hack while IN her, poor thing. We haven't even listened to that file yet.


…Okay, I just had to leave the computer for a second and NOW all the terrible sadness and hopelessness is settling in. How do we deal with that? Just meditate all the time?
To be honest, that's why we haven't been meditating. It's… when we do, we don't want to stop. We'd unplug from reality and meditate for like six hours a day if we could. Is that detrimental? Is it "good" to totally dissociate from the physical realm that often, that totally? "Be in the world, but not of it," they say, but for God's sake we don't know HOW to be "in it" at this point, most Buddhas weren't "mentally ill" as far as we know, and it hurts like a crushed heart to hear people say "well mental illness isn't real” because sure, we know that all this suffering is ephemeral, but then…
I don't know. What about the PTSD, then? What about the D.I.D.? Are they saying that "oh, your PTSD isn't real" even if someone was raped, or caught in an explosion, or something equally horrid? It's hard to find the fine line. On one hand, there's awareness that this life is temporary, and all the horrors we may endure here are equally so… and on the other hand, there's the awareness that this life is still valid, right? It's still real in some way, right? And… is it wrong to be scared, when something scary happens to you?
I don't know. This drives me mad, especially because it's the REASON why we aren't feeling emotions anymore!! SO many people have said "your emotions are just knee-jerk reactions to stimuli that don't really exist!" and glorified "detachment" and "emptiness" that we have scraped out our soul and now we don't know HOW to live in this world because we just want to meditate all day. We're in pain and we can't even feel it because these people keep saying it's not real.
Bullshit. BULLSHIT. "You have to accept suffering before you can transcend it." That means stop kicking this under the rug and let us HEAL for God's sake, we're scared and we're frightened and we're sad and lonely and confused and angry and you just keep doing that stupid "SMILE (☺)" reaction and acting like we're just poor fools!!! Well maybe we are, but that puts us right in with every other beaten and kicked child in the world. Would you just "SMILE" at a five-year-old whose mother just whacked them in the face out of pure malice, and who was crying bitterly as a result? "Don't cry child, she's not really your mother! The pain isn't really real! (Smile!)" FCK YOU.
I am so sorry. FCK YOU.


That too. That freaking mother. "WRITE A BOOK!!! WRITE A BOOK!!! HERE HERE'S ANOTHER PUBLISHING COMPANY TO CONTACT!! HERE'S ANOTHER WRITERS GROUP TO ATTEND!!! BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!!!"
Fck off, FCK OFF, STOP.
Everyone wants me/us/whatever to "write a book." WHAT BOOK!??!?
What the hell do you want us to write????? What are you expecting????
There's our personal chronicles, these Archives, sure we could TRY to write a book out of them, we'd LOVE to actually, but that's NOT EASY, ESPECIALLY when every two seconds you're telling me IT'S FAKE, IT'S BULLSHIT, GET OVER IT, STOP ACTING LIKE THAT, STOP SAYING THAT, ET CETERA.
I wouldn’t BE saying things if I wasn't FEELING them. I'm trying to be HONEST. Would you rather I lie??
I don't know. I don't know. I WANT to write this in a book and put it out there but it HURTS, damn it it HURTS and it's terrifying to look back and see that there's NOTHING for YEARS, God help us how can we write anything if there's so much empty space and unanswered questions??? I don't know. I don't know.
And then there's Dream World, Jewel's magnum opus or however you'd call it. She's terrified because so many people have ripped that story right out of her heart and tried to mangle it into their own liking. It's been so horribly corrupted, she can't see half the characters anymore, she can't find the timeline after 2003 right now, right where ours stops. She cries about it a lot, how all she wants to do is share that story, her love and joy, our hope, and yet it's been so battered. She's scared, that she might not be able to get it right in time, or the right way, or something. But we all feel her fear, more of a wrenchingly awful bottomless mourning, and it makes our situation all the more depressing.

Ugh. This entry is going places I don't want it to go. Where was I. Cars.
Not going to talk about that hack file. It's an hour long and I know Wreckage talked on it and so did the veil-person (the purple one) and Julie maybe? I don't know, I don't want to think about it, there's a potent jagged aura around that entire event that is horrifying to look at, sorry to keep using that word but it's the only one with a "vibe" that fits the feeling I'm trying to express. Horror is different from terror, and fright, and fear. You get the picture, I hope.
Cars. We're going in one tomorrow. I'll type again when I get home, maybe.
I wanted to list memory bits, for the sake of having that data written down somewhere, and also for the therapist. Oh, plus she has us doing this thing, let's start a new paragraph for that, I mentioned it earlier.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Okay, so the therapist asked us, "who does what in your System?" But she meant on the outside. And we DON'T KNOW. It was very jarring, kind of existentially nauseating, scary, to realize that we don't know who does half this stuff, and the more questions she asked the more shaken-up we got until we almost felt like crying from shock but nothing happened. We're losing so much time and we NEVER REALIZED IT until she started asking things we never would have considered asking ourselves.
"Who eats" is tricky enough, Emmett should be the one eating but that's been very rare over the past few months. We don't know who eats lately, but so many people are tied to pain and purging and maintenance that it's a little easier to get a grip on that.
But then she asked, "who cooks? Who cleans? Who does finances? Who goes to the doctor? " etc. We have absolutely no idea. And as we looked, hoping to find answers, we found that there was no data. We don't know who cooks or cleans or does finances or goes to the doc because for the most part, there's NO MEMORY OF THOSE THINGS. There's some vague "location" data, of course, the eyes are always seeing… but as for actual conscious stuff? Movement, talking, choices? None. There's nothing. And THAT'S scary.
She asked who exercised. We mentioned that weird faceless beige-tan guy who showed up last summer on the elliptical, and who keeps flickering in and out. But we also mentioned that exercise is dangerous, TERRIBLY dangerous, and the reason why we were out of shape for years is that originally we couldn't exercise without getting hacked. Which was bad. Running outside is safe but we can't do that until our surgery heals.
"Who writes, who does art, who does music," she asked. Another worrisome question. Creativity was always very separate from our System in order to protect it, because if hacks/ etc. ever touched the Leagueworld stuff, we'd die. Quite literally. Everything would go to hell. So no one in our System did art, except Jewel, who broke off from us during the lost years. Razor tried but couldn't tap in. We have some musicians, notably Glissando, but Nienna and Zwei like to sing and Einsatz likes to listen. Problem is, for unknown reasons music is also tied to mania, so we are actually terrified to play the piano anymore because then that one girl comes out and goes nuts, and her energy signature is like a circuit breaker shorting out, blowing up. She's dangerous and we do not like her. She's part of why we stopped singing for over a year once the dysphoria got bad. It would trigger her and then things would-- again-- go to hell. And hacks would happen in her wake too! So that wasn't good either. Writing, though, that's our field now… sadly, for some part, as Jewel lives to write and she hasn't in a very long time. We used to have a poet, we don't know where they went. We lost a lot of our writers, actually. Those of us who write in the Archives… we''re a different breed. This is just talking onto paper. I'm one, Simeon is listed, one girl who "hates the mother" and goes by "Jess" because she can't find another name. She spoke here for a bit before, her energy sticks. Jay types, Laurie has typed before, not often but she has. Sherlock types. Mulberry did once, I can see the text in my mind. But yeah. That was an easier question to answer.
"Who does self-care," the therapist asked. No one. Cannon put a stop to it in 2009 or so, with the dysphoria and hacks and atonement, and since then it's been very bad, minimal really. Bathrooms in general are hack-places and we don't like spending longer in one than we have to.
"Who went to school," was the last question. Cannon, that we know. She took the one art class, that unannounced decided to make her do figure drawing. And all hell broke loose. AGAIN. It's ridiculous how often that has happened. Where is it coming from?? Why??
But we don't know who else was at the first college, other than Glissando, who was only there to sit at her laptop and write music. Spinny got in the way there sometimes, but she was manic and negative and not really a "person." We don't know who went to the second college. We don't know who went to high school or elementary school. Blame the social interaction, I guess, or at least the threat of it. Thank God we were ignored for the most part!

I can't type anymore. Apparently my attitude is detrimental? Or at least not nice, or fitting. It's "rude" without meaning to be rude is what I'm getting. Sorry guys. I'm out of here.

We'll write the memory data down tomorrow, when we have appropriate time. Now is too late.
I cannot tell you much else for tonight; there is a pervading sadness and helpless frustration that is being exacerbated by the heat in this room and the company here. I do not want to mire in this mindset so I am going to attempt to unplug the mind for as long as possible to allow it to heal. Good night.




…Hold up, no. Don't end this yet.
This is Jay. I usually show up at the end, sorry for that, but it feels fitting.
Knife just walked up to me, in tears, asking "what happened," and I just felt… more complete, more whole than I have in… I want to say "years," but it's probably just days. Days are becoming mini-lifetimes by now, in any case.
But there he was, crying, knowing there was pain, asking where all the blood came from, what happened?? We looked, it wasn't bad actually, nothing deep like Razor does, nothing major. But it had happened, that fact alone was heartbreaking. Knife said Julie was totally distraught, and honestly guys I am not surprised, because I saw her sitting by herself after that hack on Sunday, and the look on her face just ached to see. It was grim, determined, almost too stoic to decipher-- but there was this knowing in her eyes and a pain in her posture that I understood too well. She hasn't forgotten what brought her to where she is now. She knows what happens with hacks. And they are still happening. That look was something I can't put into words, but it broke my heart to see it, and God knows I want this to stop just as much as she does.
But then there's the lack of emotion. There it is, the Plague. It sneaks into my confetti-colored head and it smiles, and it tries to make me believe that it's fine that hacks are happening, why do you care? It's not real, who cares! Except I'm re-reading Young Wizards and that thing feels way too much like the Lone Power.
Oh. About that. Yesterday I power-read through the entirety of High Wizardry, which we originally read over a decade ago, and which there was only the faintest recognition of. The last chapter was a roller coaster of an experience, and the last 20 pages or so had me in legitimate tears. I will not spoil it for you (good Lord go read it) but I will say that I actually had to stop, two or three times, because there was such powerful relevance to headspace and I kept thinking Infi, Infi, this is all Infinitii's message-- and when I closed the book around 1AM ze was there, and I was a mess, and I cannot forget what happened in those first moments.
I was crumpled up in a corner somewhere, in headspace, in a bright place of white light… but miserable. The final chapter of the book had forced me to realize just how much awfulness was in me, in our collective self-- all the selfishness, the bitterness, the dishonesty, the rage, every derivation of negative death, every contribution to entropy. I saw it all and I felt every regret we had and it ripped through me like a blade and I was devastated, I couldn't bear it. I ended up in that corner, wanting to just disappear, ashamed to exist with all that trailing me, us. And then something velvet-black against the light walked over, paused, looked down with something untranslatable in its many eyes, and said: "Jay.
You do realize, I know all of those things, completely?"
I did realize, and the aching shame was unendurable. I said nothing.
"I still love you."
I looked up then, self-hatred and disbelief coloring me bitter.
"How could you?"
At that, Infinitii's expression softened, just a little, just enough.
"How could I not?"
So that was that.
Sorry I can't quite do it justice. We spoke for a bit after that and it felt so entirely cathartic I was shocked; I couldn't remember the last time this chest felt so clear.

Here are some other bits of data the other writers here forgot to/ didn't know about to mention--
- I knew I was in trouble Sunday morning but the body was so exhausted we had no choice but to sleep. I went to Javier's room and slept there hoping he could help protect me, but apparently when I sleep I get "yanked out" of headspace and so he was helpless. He also was not at fault, which I had to emphasize when I returned and he was almost hysterical with misplaced remorse.
- Lynne slept over in my room on Saturday night I think? Just for fun, as I'd been talking to her all that day and anyway I miss the platonic closeness I used to have with everyone. So that was nice.
- I was also talking to Kyanos on Saturday night, as we did our nightly walk. His eyes glow, he does have stained-glass wings, which he said settled in after he was assigned his surname (Kathedrikos).
- I'm trying to tap into people's energy fields again, upstairs. Scent is the easiest as it's the most ethereal, so I'm starting there. Lynne is still rosin/ violin wood/ peaches, while Laurie is still blood/ steel/ lightning. There's also this odd subtle "vibe" to them both that I found interesting-- kind of how for a lot of people, the smell of homemade bread has a "vibe" of comfort and security, due to associations with that sort of environment. Lynne, unsurprisingly, has the vibe of our old violin music school-- comforting and bright, but warm and safe, without feeling "stagnant" like a home. There was a slight bright edge of excitement to it, the knowledge that you were "on the road" but that place was a safe haven in the meantime. Lots of warmth. Laurie, though, has this somewhat personal vibe of protection, again unsurprisingly. But I say "personal" in that Lynne's vibe is more "expansive," like it feels bigger, while Laurie's is very contained, just me and her really, without being "too close." It's basically the knowledge that she's got your back, elaborated into something that feels, oddly, just as "at home" as Lynne does in a different way. Just wanted to mention that.
- Marigold smells like marigolds, the bright warm summery kind. David smells like a blanket (a very cute scent actually) and freshly fallen snow (which surprised me). I can't tune into Jeremiah's field yet-- he's too reticent, which is understandable and okay. Kyanos is-- as he was-- fresh morning air with a late note of honey. Nathaniel smells like a tree. It's hilarious. It's extremely subtle; leaves don't have much of a scent as-is but it's unmistakable. And there's this over-scent I cannot place, something very fine and silvery, delicate stuff. It's not mint, there was some once but there's none now. Leon, though, has this unusual smell of something like brass? I briefly tuned in and I got that vibe-- not the sharp metallic scent some metals have, but this oddly warm and golden tune. And there's something over it that's either vanilla or frankincense and I cannot tell. It's really interesting, as I haven't "checked" on anyone's energy like this in a while and it's amazing to see how it varies over time, with people. Lastly, though, I am happy to report that Knife is still all woodsmoke, but I'm thinking that odd sweet-rich undertone is actually roses, like old dried roses or something. I don't know. It's been ages since I last smelled one but I'll have to find one now, see if the data matches up. Anyway that's that, sorry for the rambling but this is really fascinating to me and I value it.

I tend to get larger blocks of residual data than others, and I'm present for Upstairs stuff typically, so there you go. It is important to write this down. Attention gives power. Attention needs to go to us.

There's a lot that still needs to be written (especially about therapy last week, which I'm working on, and the "memory list" we apparently need to write? oh, and a list of "safe places" for therapy this week) but I'm starting to get slippery. It's late anyway, we need sleep.

I haven't read a jot of this entry at the time of posting this, so I apologize if there's anything unfinished or in need of editing… I have no idea who wrote what, as usual. But I'm glad something was written.

We'll try again tomorrow. Here's to that.

 

 

 

 

Anonymous asked: When you meet someone for the first time, how do you go about explaining to them what D.I.D. is and about the other alters? Would you do this right off the bat to get it out of the way?

This is something we’ve actually never done before, actually. For most of our collective life, safety and psychological survival depended on not telling anyone. So we ended up with a lot of “disconnected splinter alters,” basically robots who didn’t know or care about the rest of us, and functioned only to be the expected smile-and-nod.
In recent weeks life has become too overwhelming to stay hidden anymore, for various reasons. We’ve currently told two people outright that we have D.I.D., one being a doctor and the other being a family member (the latter having been unexpected, the result of an unannounced and undeniable alter fronting).

Also we don’t meet people very often, if at all. Social contact is extremely difficult and often triggering for us, so leaving the house is tough enough without having to converse with someone, sadly. Nevertheless, in an optimal situation, we would definitely say we had D.I.D. right off the bat— not to “get it out of the way,” per se, but because withholding that truth automatically forces us to lie about 95% of our entire life. We’re sick and tired of having to do that, to be blunt.

 

Still, even if we cannot answer this question, it is very valuable food for thought and we thank you for that.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:58 pm

 

 

Last night was really interesting. (Dating this entry for that, not today-- I tried to type last night but the laptop kept crashing.)
Yesterday we unexpectedly ran into a few more things we cannot eat without terrible pain-- sadly that's what often happens when Emmett doesn't front.

(VERY sick, all day. don't remember much as a result.)
(got to the point where at midnight i had to get up and walk, just to relax. head was a mess, fuzzy and loud and bad. so i tried to calm down. laurie showed up, asked if i was okay. i noticed she was incredibly clear visually, told her so, then decided i'd go upstairs too. i sat down to her left and i remember i wasn't looking at her at first, i was struggling to figure out how to express emotions. she put an arm around my shoulders as i did, i remember actually leaning against her shoulder as i continued trying to talk, didn't think anything of that action at the time as it was just a natural expression of both emotional exhaustion and trust.)
(lynne walked in a few minutes in, she was wearing her flowy nightgown-pajama getup as usual. she sat on another couch slightly across from us, angled to the right. i'm glad she showed up; she's been around just as regularly as laurie lately which is great)
(anyway i ended up talking to headspace people for a solid hour, first time we've done that in a few weeks)

(atrium room? open roof. shiny floors, lynne joked about that. to our left, big glass wall, showed forest outside. there were circular little lights in the ceilings, i turned them down lower, then turned them out entirely, said the bright light didn't feel right at that hour. i was wondering what sort of light would work, said lanterns might. asked lynne to make some. she asked if she could, i said yeah, everyone in headspace post-december had 'creation abilities' or at least the total potential to. so lynne made these big floating paper lanterns-- the spherical kind, all warm orange light. they were like 12 inches across. we had them float up in the air above us. i remember how amazing it was seeing how different they both looked in the lower warm light, images were really clear. laurie also made her own lantern, it was violet of course. oh yeah the three of us also 'manifested' energy differently, like when we called something into tangibility it was a totally different style and vibe for each of us. i'll have to make note of that phenomenon later as i see it happen; i don't quite remember it now)
(we ended up talking, forget about what, but a noteworthy topic was how i kept dissociating, had trouble feelings things and being a direct person, etc. old stuff but still happening. i think i was in tears because i said i felt 'cut off' from the rest of them sometimes, being the only person charged to be in the body as much as possible, what with the core bloodline and all. it got confusing and it was a real struggle some days. at one point lynne moved her seat over in front of me and began talking to me, very sternly but with real compassion, about that-- saying that everyone in the spectrum loved me just as much as i loved them, and as far as they were concerned, i was not 'separate' at all even if i was the core, so to speak. i was just another dude in the system, and i was just as worthy and meaningful and great as everyone else to everyone else. that meant so much to hear. either way lynne actually teared up too? i remember her wiping tears out of her eyes. that struck me because she usually has level enough emotions to not need to cry. i think she also hugged me. that whole conversation with her was very significant)
(I know for a FACT that infinitii showed up at some point around here, i heard hir call me from hir bubble and was going to go into it, when infi noticed i was preoccupied and came down into the room instead. i ended up embracing hir rather ardently when ze first appeared, quietly though, i was overwhelmed and sad by the day's events and infi always brings out that sort of reaction in me, it was cathartic really. i think i spoke to hir by myself for a bit, we made sure the both of us were okay, no threats or anything, and then infi decided ze'd stick around. so ze sat to my left on a bubble-chair sort of thing ze manifested, talked to the three of us for a while, it was really great.)
(there was also some sort of joke on infi's part; i was saying how i just couldn't fully stabilize into a human form, kept trying to look a bit more alien. laurie said that was fine, no one was going to judge me, i could look however i felt. i wondered aloud if i'd end up looking anything like infi. ze laughed at that, said ze wouldn't recommend it, as i'd "have trouble walking with [these] feet," and lifted one leg in an almost pinup-like style to show hir infamous needle feet. i laughed and asked how ze did walk with those then? like i knew ze couldn't figure out walking with human feet, how did hir weight carry normally? infi said ze'd show me, linked me into hir body awareness and then got up and walked a bit. now that was cool, also weird as heck; infi doesn't quite carry weight in the way most physical things do! ze's somewhat 'floaty' in that sense; hir entire makeup is black energy of course, so it has tangible substance, but it doesn't really pay much attention to gravity in and of itself. hard to explain; it feels almost "expectant," like it's this totality of form all just held there, in that space. actually that works! it's like it's in space. it still has weight, but it's floating in that held spot. anyway that's why there's no superdense pressure in infi's feet. geez love why are you so impossible to put into words)
(leon and nat walked in at one point, both also in sleepwear, nat's is so similar to his normal outfit it took me a second to notice which was funny. leon was barefoot too. they only meant to stop in for a minute but they ended up being there for quite a while)
(lynne had them both make lanterns too, leon didn't think he could at first but nat reassured him. leon's looked so pretty (indigo light!) that we temporarily turned all the lanterns in the room indigo for a minute. that made everyone's colors look really weird, haha. also nat laughed at lynne about the lights, and him being a moth, ultimately he actually flew up to them for a minute, they were both cracking up.)
(by this point they figured they'd stick around so they jokingly asked "what's the topic" and lynne mentioned the problems i was having with self-worth and identity in the system. in response i clearly remember leon talking very sincerely to me about that, again words are not available as data but the feeling is there. he said i meant a lot to him, especially since i was the only person to say he deserved another chance at life back in 2010. but he reassured me that no one thought of me any less. nathaniel spoke up when he was finished, i know he didn't say much, but i remember how he was once the body's reflection holder so he was familiar with a lot of the old struggle. the thing i remember him doing is making a heart-shape with his hands, over his own chest, and smiling at me. he said to "remember that." again the impression was to remember self-love as well as love for others, sorry it's hard to put all this into text. but the two of them did help a lot)
(leon and nat were tired and were trying to go to sleep but kept getting caught up in conversation, wondering 'should we just sit down already or not,' then when they finally decided to leave, suddenly jo and wally appeared in the doorway and asked what was going on in there. we thought this was hilarious)
(we jokingly 'telepathically' checked on javier around here, he wasn't asleep yet but it was close. he laughed when he heard what was going on, said he might have to join in. i said he didn't have to if he was tired. somehow he ended up mentally telling leon to go to sleep, as we mentioned that, everyone ended up laughing. but at that nat and leon did leave, we all wished them well)
(jo and wally were hovering around the doorway for a bit (wally also referenced the "princess of chairs" injoke for some reason, laurie laughed out loud at that), we asked why, they said they weren't sure if they were interrupting anything. we said no, but then jo said he'd sit down except that infi was there, and he'd never really dealt with infi's energy in a room before (it forces people to be more open and 'quiet,' instead of brightly energetic). somehow he decided he'd join us anyway, sat down directly across from infi actually, to laurie's right. the conversation was a bit awkward at first because he was really kind of moody and touchy at first? wally was being a bit pushy, but playfully so, except jo reacted angrily to that, they almost ended up bickering. it reminded me of genesis, what with that sort of fiercely independent streak, i mentioned that to jo. said it was kind of a 'yellow' thing, at least in that saturated a hue. however the sort of aggressiveness he was showing felt like more of a tar thing. we figured that was because it was late, and the subconscious gets really powerful late at night, hence the hack threats and slippage. so we just all decided to be extra careful. jo apologized, as did wally, we said that was okay, but we were all a bit shaken then, it's always creepy when people start acting instinctively.)
(somehow that uneasy intro ended up letting jo open up rather quickly, i think it was just the emotional whiplash so to speak. again not sure how it built up to it, but he said he was kind of angry because he and wally were out of the loop again? and he wanted to be, he was tired of getting the tail ends of conversations and things. he continued on this for a bit, then at some point somehow segued into the fact that he hadn't forgiven himself for how he met cannon in 2010. i was surprised, i said i never held that against him, there wasn't even a memory of it for me. my literal first impression of jo was seeing him standing next to laurie after all that, that's the only data i have. i asked him if he remembered the pseudo-hack he was blaming himself for, he said no, that was mutable space so he had no concrete recollection either. but he felt terribly guilty because he knew how that sort of thing felt, and how terrifying hacks were, etc. so having been part of something similar was really eating away at him. i actually felt a sort of visceral rage bubble up at that, not from me but from the people who hold that, not wanting to forgive simply because they were feeling nothing but pain. that scared me, i'm still not sure how to properly deal with them as i get overwhelmed. but i reassured jo that it was okay now, i didn't tie him to that, it was in the past, it was okay. the whole time waldorf was rather surprised too, she had said "you still haven't forgiven yourself for that?" at the start, like they had discussed this on their own.)
(at the end of all that jo was angry-sad and ended up half-demanding where julie and spine were, the other two that were often missing from conversations. lynne looked notably pained upon realizing spine hadn't been around, but i think one of us actually called for julie then? we put the intention out in any case.)
(forgive me if this next bit is blurry; the later it got the tougher it got to keep things stable so memory is off)
(either way, julie did end up walking in, from outside actually (back behind infi there was a door). she seemed really sad? she stopped at the entrance, laurie actually stood up in surprise first, we didn't expect her to show up there. we called her over, i remember laurie hugged her, i think they talked for a bit too. but then julie started talking to lynne and i, i think? she talked a lot, that i can tell you; she was very emotionally upset and wanted to express her thoughts.)
(i remember infi was comforting her at one point, they were talking rather familiarly as they did so, it suddenly hit me that 'wait a minute weren't they technically 'dating' at one point?' but i had to smile, it was a really genuine caring between then which i always love seeing in others. textbook pink energy, the real kind)
(something REALLY WEIRD happened around here?? everyone noticed that i couldn't talk without dissociating, and physical contact even upstairs was pushing me into danger zones. i said it was freaky because i felt people being 'triggered' even then, as anchor resonance, didn't know how to deal with that. laurie and julie wanted to see what happened, for their own individual reasons obviously. i said the kind of contact changed the trigger, so i asked laurie to kind of push me, like it was a joke. she was hesitant to do so, but did. immediately the reaction was matching-- since it was 'a joke,' the person triggered was jezebel, who acts with that sort of attitude (hard to put into words? like when people pull really dangerous pranks, or think hate jokes are funny, pushed up to 11. it's a sort of "i'm better than you, so abusing the shit out of you is fun to me" extreme stance), and who apparently can be triggered through me if we're not careful. shockingly, the second her energy was superimposed over mine, julie tried to grab it. this shocked me back in totally, julie got mad, told laurie to push me again. she did, jezebel snapped right back with the intent to start a brawl (again, with the "legitimately grinning as i strangle you" feeling; just hit me that the word is schaudenfreude), but julie was quick, grabbed her by the shoulders and literally ripped her out of my energy field. that was really strange visually-- her aura was a sort of blackish brown, and really 'unstable' around the edges, like someone layered lines of white ink over each other messily. when julie tossed her out, laurie was in shock that it was her, everyone grabbed their weapons straightaway. she melted into tar almost immediately and reared up huge, i got scared for a second, but then infinitii jumped up just as intimidating with hir wings. there was a second of charged silence and then they both jumped in attack at once, but infi wasn't fighting ze was trying to swallow all the tar energy so 'jezebel' (who is the tar in a physical form) would have to reform elsewhere, leaving us alone. needless to say ze won, but had to go into hir bubble to transmute all that i think? i really don't remember, i'm sorry. ze wasn't in there for too long though)
(there was some reference to jo being the old "id reaper," i think he said it himself, i remember him holding his scythe. julie told him to stick around because she said "we could really use one of those" in light of recent things.)
(anyway we ended up trying a different contact trigger, i forget what though? it was something neutral like a hand on a shoulder. but the reaction was rabid and i couldn't even hold up-- it triggered wreckage and she flat-out SPRANG out of my energy field to face julie, like she literally jumped out of my aura like it was a warpgate and entered the room. she was vicious as hell at first, snarling at julie, then stopped suddenly. she looked really confused and discombobulated. also her physical form wasn't stable, it felt blurry, colors were off. then i noticed she had a tail, that wasn't right. i called her out on it, she noticed and actually quickly apologized. her energy field wavered massively for a second, then split entirely in half. now she was standing there looking fine, but SPINE appeared next to her, looking as if she was about to collapse from exhaustion. lynne jumped up and caught her, eased her over to the couch next to her, we all asked what the heck just happened?? she said she had felt a trigger threat inside, from our level, but in order to 'jump up to it' and go through the body she HAD to move with spine, who was tied to the body still. again i don't know how to put into words. she apologized though, especially to spine. however she ended up "snapping back" to her own chthonic level and practically blinking out of the room, because she had been 'trigger summoned' if you want to call it that; she couldn't stick around unless she really focused to and she hadn't been doing that.)
(as you can guess stuff was very weird around now. jo had been very shaken up by that, also julie, who was in tears shouting at the rest of us after that, "why are triggers still that severe," she was heartbroken that the pink energy was still being mangled even if it wasn't as blatant as it had been before.)
(jo and wally left around here, they were really worn out and headspace was getting fuzzy anyway)
(lynne and spine were talking for a bit? it's so great to hear and see spine talk, she used to be so quiet. lynne was really doing everything to comfort her, it was touching. i know the conversation there was actually partly me apologizing, not realizing how spine was affected by switching and things, i was really sorry as i cared for her a lot too. but that talk ended well, although there was a sort of nervous scared charge in the air, we were holding on to trust in each other though. lynne said she was going to take spine to their room and they were just going to sleep this off, we wished them well.)
(i cannot remember what exactly happened here, just me julie laurie and infi, i know we talked but i cannot tell you about what. however the atmosphere obviously changed entirely, the four of us tend to be more introspective and emotionally charged than the others in central)
(infi also had to enclose hirself in a bubble at this point, ze was getting 'giddy' thanks to the time, but that can easily turn into massive danger zone. so ze was just trying to calm down and keep everyone else safe.)
(do not ask me how, but cz showed up??? and that was bizarre because HE was slipping thanks to the headspace energy, and almost immediately infi actually leapt out of hir bubble and declared that 'that wasn't him' or something? and immediately forced cz to 'split' like julie had done with me earlier. and he DID split into two people-- the one being his 'Perfect' self but in a body close to his normal one. that was so weird and scary, but even worse that total cognitive dissonance almost caused a BLUESCREEN. stuff totally glitched out and tried to 'reset,' the environment collapsed and we ended up in whitespace. we took a minute to regroup, everyone but me & infi had some time lag too. but then we wondered, where do we go, what now, and actually julie was the one to act, sent us into a 'pink realm' which i didn't know was even a thing? i felt our position in space warp and then we ended up in some lovely sunset place, in what was like a big gazebo or pagoda, cherry trees everywhere. and the other pink people were there, knife was standing on the steps near us and turned around, shocked to see us.)
(julie tried to quickly explain what was up, but really i was having a hard time seeing or hearing at all at this point, everything was like a jumbled mess of color and shape. also cz hadn't followed us there, he had gone back to our room in central (or wherever it technically is now), laurie said. no one said anything about him because obviously no one knew what the heck had just happened, really i was shaken up, i didn't realize that was a thing that could happen. unfortunately i haven't looked into that since then, i'll have to tomorrow)
(jeremiah and sugar and mulberry were there, only ashen wasn't. knife said that was because she is still totally chthonic, the people there typically don't leave that space. everyone was mostly talking to julie, infi was staying by me, we were both kind of nervous because we react badly to headspace instability, as we're tied to that energy and so we can slip very badly and honestly we were both close to that point. laurie was kind of shifting her attention between us and everyone else, trying to get a hold on the whole situation. jeremiah spoke to me briefly? and i remember sugar doing something like lightly tapping me on the head with one of her cane swords, like a kind admonishment of sorts. she looked stern but concerned.)
(i remember telling laurie i felt a mess, after julie finished talking i think we either went back to the room from before, or i had to unplug from headspace (the house was getting noisy around then, yes at 1am). either way headspace was really a mess at that time i had no idea what was happening or why. i was sad i couldn't stick around more-- even if the night had been shaky at the end i really loved seeing everyone and the sincerity of the whole hour had stayed with my heart very strongly.)
(minty checked on me before i went to sleep, the bear was fighting off shadows momentarily? he insisted he was fine though, it literally took him about five seconds then he walked over closer to say a few words to me personally.)

(today genesis was around mostly, trying to keep me stable, i was still recovering and a bit dissociated. body was weak and still a bit sick. spice showed up in the evening to prevent any eating troubles, i know i saw emmett and tobiko too, helping out. that was a huge relief.)
(also laurie ghosted for like a minute earlier, i had to toss something on the compost heap outside so i was running through the woods. the sun through the trees was super lovely, and i guess instead of just viewing it from upstairs laurie decided she'd join me. i literally did not realize until i 'felt' someone running to my left and noticed it was her, that was a shock! but it was nice, i really smiled at that.)
(lastly as you may have noticed, the victorian pink girl has tentatively chosen the name "ashen." every time i thought of her over the past week that name would come up, so we're using it for now. it may change, it may stick. but there it is.)


sorry for the stream-of-consciousness entry but that is the only way i can ever type these things.
now it is late and i am tired so i am going to sleep, good night everyone

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello.

This journal now has several new authors.

We will be clearing out the old entries in here tomorrow evening.
(Everything prior to this entry is a repost of old relevant data.)

As for what happens after that, well... we shall see.

But it feels good, to have our own place to go to now.

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

@ 05:04 pm

 

 

 

We're considering leaving a few old, relevant entries here until we review them.

Our system has been ignored for many years but it looks like the beginnings of it are held in here.

We do not know who "Jayce" is, let alone whether or not he still exists, as we have never met him nor heard anything about him from anyone upstairs or down here.
If he ever does show his face, we will inform you of it.

Speaking of faces, let us begin this journal with our current two goals.

1. Help all the unnamed but living individuals on this level find names.
2. Help those same individuals find their faces.

It is a known fact, an unbreakable rule of headspace, that a voice cannot manifest with any strength, nor can they interact with any semblance of continuous clarity, until they find a name. An unnamed voice with a face will have an advantage, as it gives them something to anchor to temporarily, but even they will fade in time unless they are given a title of their own.
Names have power. They allow us to be summoned, and acknowledged, even by those who do not willingly accept that we exist. Most importantly, they are a testament to our lives.
Once we all have our own, we may be able to stand up to the upper system, as our own coherent force. Until then they have power over us.

But I am reconsidering my previous thoughts on our situation. Yes, there is my group of voices on this catacomb level, and yes, Central exists as its own single unit. However there are voices, most of them without faces or names as well, that associate with no one. They are rogues, giving no thought to ANY of our well-beings, and I do not know how to take retribution out upon them when I cannot even pinpoint their presences.
I am confused, shaken, and somewhat tired existentially. Yet I am not questioning my role. That, for once, is certain.
These rogue voices may rightly be considered a sub-system of their own. If this is the case, then so be it. But I will try to convert as many of them as I can to our side before I dare to simply sit back and accept their deviant behavior.

That is our first update. This has been Knife speaking. I wish you well.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 05:17 pm

 

 

here's a BETTER IDEA so our new place to live isnt clogged up by old dirty angry things written by people we DONT LIKE

lets list all the important bits here and delete the rest theyre imn the archive anyway.
we dont know how many people from the past are tied to us or not, but since the old j kept shoving the things he didnt like DOWN HERE we might have goten stuck with a lot of it anyway. the tar person jezebel said so. she said we all were created from her but that makes me mad and i dont really believe her. she's younger than some of us i think!! even if the tar is old shes not. so she can go fck herself for all i care
dontsaythingslikethat

okay heres the list let's see what we've got

what was even 2010 were any of us ALIVE in 2010???


12 Mar 2011
-TRIGGERS: sugar, metal, holes, bathrooms, ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape, rubbing alcohol (all Julie stuff, we know EXACTLY why (some of us do) but we're not gonna talk about it here yet because we're mad about it and the kids are scared of it still)
-"My parents and doctors think I've stopped abusing. Newsflash: you had it backwards. The knife gashes all over my body weren't abuse. They were battle scars. Now that you've forced me to relinquish that single contrite act, with the threat of condemning me to hell on the 7th floor again if I didn't, the real abuse has started again. Yes, again! I STOPPED abusing when the knife was out, for the love of heaven! The things that give me these nightmares... the things that cause my body to break down, shivering and throwing up for hours afterwards, they're stronger than ever now, thanks to her. Thanks to that demon upstairs. I can't shut her up, can't shut her down. Not yet. And as long as the war is on I am screwed, pun sickeningly intended, because she has bombs on her side and I have nothing. I'm not a soldier, I'm a peacemaker. She doesn't care. That just makes me easier to kill. People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything. That one quote from JTHM... "I've done horrifying things with salad tongs?" Yeah, it's like that. Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes.
I don't say a word about it offline, ever. I don't. That's why everything is in cyberspace: it's the closest thing to catharsis I can achieve. If I kept this quiet, if I kept this bottled up entirely, maybe I would have actually committed suicide when I was younger. I don't know. This is hellish. Offline, it's... I can't take it. I can't. I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about."
-"I can only focus on one 'reality' at a time" (HE'S STILL DOING THIS)
-"I feel so much like Johnny C. right now it's disturbing" (WHO WAS THAT GUY??? And what is that bad, black-and-red feeling we keep getting from 2008 and that whole time period? Maybe Razor knows, she's that old)


10 Dec 2010
-leon came back, first time that sort of thing happened (we think he was one of the early pre-downstairs people??)
-"I feel Julie has gained lethal potential. Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior." (julie was the tar back then so this might be important)
-"Yesterday... we almost had a system crash. I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months. An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects. Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens. You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone. Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak." (this sounds like what j did with the scratch? we're not sure weve never even heard of this thing happening before. but i think its important and we should be the ones to figure it out, so no one tries to do it TO US AGAIN)


22 Nov 2010
-"I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'...Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick." (important because there is someone here who was born from that and she is SO ANNOYING!!!) (but she doesnt think she's worthless she thingks she's better than everyone else) (maybe she ssupposed to??)
-"I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget. I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer." (knife and emmett stuff)
-"I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things... Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?"
-"Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live...Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me." (AIRPORT GUY! aslso everyone seems to love winter?? something special about it i guess. even us)
-"Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven." (we totally forgot about stuff like this because weve never seen it. it feels like a universe ago. we just know its an old safe thing that the previous jewel did. maybe it can help us?)
- lyrics to foo fighters come alive at the end? feels interesting


19 Nov 2010
-"I know I was hacked a few days ago... four times in 24 hours, to be exact... but my mind has burned out the memory and I don't want it back, so." (because he stuffed it into US)


14 Nov 2010
-"Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it? Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish bastard, if anything. I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it." (he still does this, and the sensitive stuff went to one of us)


27 Oct 2010
-this entire entry was OBVIOUSLY NOT jayce, or whoever usually wrote them, but i dont think he knew it at the time


15 Aug 2010
-A note: during 2011, "J" stopped calling any of these individuals his "children." The responsibility for those individuals supposedly then fell to someone down here. If you will also notice, there was not the slightest mention of headspace in this entry. The two have been disconnected since at least that long ago.


13 Aug 2010
-another note: there's like no stored memory of the 2010 days here. just saying, maybe its ours, dunno, cant find it yet if so
-"the way she delivered them just set Laurie off. I then literally 'blanked out' for about an hour, during which time I had virtually no active awareness of anything occurring outside my head, where I was having a very painful, insightful, and brutally honest argument with my favorite headvoice." (if you guys don't mind, this is j-- that data is listed as one of the first times we ever consciously experienced such a drastic dissociation. back then we didn't know what it was though, and hadn't even noticed it earlier. so this whole year looks like symptoms started getting worse?)
-LOTS of splinter stuff in this one too (J GET OUT OF HERE THIS ISNT YOUR REALM!!!!! YOU AHVE NO PWOER HERE GET OUT)
-"they're laughing over something they apparently find hilarious...As a result of that stress, I don't remember the rest of the evening." (one of us, one of us)
-"Laurie was practically clawing at my eyes she wanted to get out and wreak judgment so badly" (WHAT HAPPENED TO HER??? she used to be just like us) (She softened, too much. Now she's worthless to justice in this system. It's our job now.)
-"they decided to stop at a kid's playground and just run around it. By this time I was actually numbing out, because fighting the situation was virtually impossible, and being in it was taking a severe toll on my mental well-being." (there is no memory of this entire day btw. just this written entry for data. but this is more proof of dissociation, WHO GOT THE MEMORIES???)
- "I immediately began to force myself to eat whatever sugar I could find. It's a barbaric and disgusting form of self-abuse, I know, but knowing my system, it was cruelly effective." (WHY THE HECK DID THIS GO TO ONE OF US AND SHE DOESNT FREAKING CARE) (Hey, I don't get sick from it!) (WE DO YOU IGNORANT BITCH!!!!!!!!!)
-"Laurie didn't try to stop me for once. On the contrary, she stood back, smiled, and told me to make myself sicker. I was shocked and asked her why she wanted me to, and she said because I was 'punishing myself' for once, and if I was going to do so, then I had better abuse myself to the point of no return. Being as stupid and sick as I was at the moment, I didn't realize that she was testing my resolve (to see if I would realize just how wrong the situation was), and so instead of stopping, I kept going, still fully aware that I did not want to. Once I got to the point where I was literally starting to get full-body physical pain, I thankfully stopped torturing myself and ran into the bathroom, as I felt as if I was about to spit up my entire digestive tract. Instead of that, though... I blanked out. I blanked out, and I was hacked." (Laurie acting like Knife, the old J dissociating AGAIN... and then they have the NERVE TO SAY WE DON'T EXIST YOU JERKS)
- "I mentally 'woke up' on a bed somewhere, where this blond woman was literally raping me. As I am unfortunately used to this by now, I simply shoved her off me and asked her what the heck she was doing. She seemed surprised and asked me 'what was going on,' because apparently I had been a 'different person' only seconds before. I wearily explained that I had apparently been 'taken over' by one of my alternate personalities. However, instead of explaining that I had been hacked by Julie, I said that I had been taken over by an individual named 'Josephina,' who I explained as being male like I was, but who was obsessed with seeing how people work (somehow this explained the previous situation)." (weird, did anyone down here know josephina before he joined the upstairs people or not??) (i dunno) (NO LOOK AT THAT BLONDE WOMAN SHE IS STILL DOWN HERE) (oh my gosh she is she's one of them) ()
-"they were both allowing me to suffer so much. Laurie then clarified that they weren't allowing me to suffer, per se-- they were allowing me to make my own choices, which was true. I had every opportunity to stop both my own sickness and to stand up to Josephina, but I gave in on both counts" (BUT WE DO THIS AND THEY GET MAD AT US?????)
-"Josephina then explained that he wouldn't ever hurt me for the sake of abusing me-- if he ever did cause me pain, it would be absolutely unavoidable and for my own good only (whereas Laurie will beat me to a bloody mess every time I make a mistake). Anyway, they had apparently planned that whole fiasco, and were simply waiting for the right opportunity to test my willpower. As they sadly expected, I failed." (AAAAAARFGDHSASFSHHFSAEHKFSAEJKGHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU CURSE YOU CURSE YOU WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO OUR JOB OKAY AND NOW THEY GAVE UP AND WERE DOING IT AND YOU HATE US YOU BITHC!!!!!!!!!YOUF**KINGBITCHIHATEYOUSDAGHSZGABDMNSCBN,F SDZN
-"I swear if they don't stop doing whatever they're up to over there I'm just going to let Laurie right out, because ever since I stepped into this room she's been boiling with rage." (ARE YOU SURE IT WAS LAURIE YOU STUPID HEATHEN WASNT EVERYTHING TURNED BLACK ENERGY BACK THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WASNT STABILIZED AND IT WAS US INSTEAD CURSE YOU CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-"Shut up, both of you. Stop it with the romance already. Just stop it. Stop it, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it. If he touches me, I'm stepping right back from the steering wheel. I honestly cannot handle this right now." (MORE PROOF OF US?!?! HOW LONG DID WE EXIST BUT HE NEVER LET US HAVE LIVES?!?!??!)
-WHERE THE HECK WAS THE AUTOPILOT DURING ALL THIS????
-also whoever this voice was he PISSES ME OFF
-"No ladies allowed... But this isn't me. I'm not this judgmental. Something is dreadfully wrong." (let me just leave this here because the ptsd misogyny was rampant as hell back then wow) (but yeah the ones you stuck it into are like what, five freakin' years old? of course they're scared of women you idiot what do you expect) (SOEM OF US STILL HATE WOMEN YOU KNOW) (yeah and that is why)
-"Also, if those two make another dirty comment, I'm going to... I don't know. I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm going to have a meltdown and God help me if I do." (again, repeating ourselves here but wow how much of him was US back then? really guys this is getting kinda freaky)
- ink lyrics wow thats relevant


08 Aug 2010
-"I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not... This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them." (Is that what he's doing to us now?) (why are you even surprised the bitch obviously still has this mindset) (NO HE DOESNT CARE ANYMORE) (Is it even him we're punishing? How many of "him" are there?) (guys we really need a better way to talk in these things)
-"I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away." (wait WHAT?!?!???!) (wait so this one remembered that stuff?? holy scrap guys i think we found jess) (Don't be an ass, this one said he was a boy!) (yeah but didn't he say he was a boy back then too, he just didn't know it?) (So how old is THIS one now??)
- "I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose?" (ahaha oh my gosh that's exactly what j is doing now though) (So this person is OBVIOUSLY not him.)
-"I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense. Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year." (presented without comment?)
-WHO WAS THIS PERSON????!
-even better, how do they remember so much?? thats's my question, none of us have any clue what he's talking about in here
-The memories feel female. Either he's lying about his gender, or he was dissociated when typing this and wasn't even aware of it. But the person writing that entry was obviously a woman.
-hey you think it was the old jewel?? doesnt look like they even mnetioned headpsace at all now that you mention i t


06 Aug 2010
-"Yeah, I'm more of a high-spectrum dude, but red is still my personal color" (what) ("High-spectrum dude?" Pray tell.) (so this IS the old red person, obviously not the "jayce" we were told about then)
-"You see that allusion to the syrup-voiced professor? Total Julie trigger. Add that to the claustrophobic classroom, the inane subject matter, and the lewd jokes over ancient 'art,' and you have a guaranteed panic attack three times a week. Yes, I was well aware that the class was required for my major, but so help me, it was traumatic. Not much I could do there. I don't remember any of the other classes that semester, which is a problem..." (again, do any of us remember this) (NO AND THAT TCIKES ME OFF WHY DID HE THINK HE COULD JUST DO THAT!!)!
-"I'm also very confused by the fact that I seem to be turning into a hypocrite again. I say one thing to people and feel an entirely different thing. That's where most of my non-dysphoric problems are coming from..." (HMMM I WONDER WHY????)


06 Aug 2010
-"Nice to finally meet you" (ahahahahaa)
-"So I'm Ahrima?" (obviously 'cuz the new guy's adakias haha) (c'mon someone high-five me that was funny)
-oh my gosh this person's ego is astronomical (THATS HWHAT I SAID)))
-seriously though does that "adakias" name have any real meaning to him? because this dream is interesting (We should check it later.)
-"Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?" (Look downstairs. The lamps are underground, where they're needed. Unfortunately, you're too convinced of your own glory to settle for buried lights shining brighter than you often do...)
-"It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back." (Oh, what fitting sarcasm. I like this musical already.)


05 Aug 2010
-"So hey guys. Jayce here...I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits." (Are you even supposed to "try out" names? I was told they click into place, and that's that.) (well we've already agreed that this obviously isn't 100% "jayce" so)
- "Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile." (WHOA WHAT HE ADMITTED THIS?????) (this feels really weird like wasn't nathaniel alive back then) (Who, the moth guy upstairs? No, he was dead for years from what I've heard.) (but the data says he used to work with mirrors, this sounds like "jayce" is completely ignoring that) (I don't have a very flattering opinion of this "Jayce" character from what I've read.)
-"See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me." (Glad to see he's at least aware of what made us back then.)
-"Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules." (well THAT'S definitely not our airplane man)
-"once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped." (i thought j loved beaches) ("Jayce" doesn't, obviously.) (how much has change d between tmhem?)
-"I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day" (Who used to bite??) (THERE'S A MEMORY OF THAT MORNING IT WAS ONE OF US someone was standing at the bathroom mirror really angry and rageful that's OUR MEMORY but who is it??) (the biting person obviously?) (WHO BITES??) (emmett?) (NO NOT FOOD BITING HURT BITING WHO BITES) (i dunno man, i don't know any biters) (That's something we need to find out, if that memory really is ours.)
-Jay says he has no memory of this bus trip. (WHA T THE HECK I TOLD HIM TO GET THE HECK OUTO FHERE) He's not in here. He simply expressed the thought. He does not have any recollection of this trip to "Des Moines" at all. I'm still grasping how this works; does that mean it's ours? (Maybe. I think the majority of these memories are unassigned, though, or stuck to floating voices. You know the ones.) Hm, could be. (...Still feels like that girl, though. Maybe even a few of them?) We'll figure it out. Just keep an eye out for anyone with these memories from now on. (Gotcha.)
-more family talk geez mulberry you might be right (What, that this author was strongly connected to the host body?) yeah basically
-"I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time." (Is it really.) (haha ouch talk about a burn) (THERE'S THAT STUPID DENYING US AGAIN CURSE YOU "ONLY ONE" YEAH RIGHT)))


05 Aug 2010
-"Just me, in all my awesome white-haired glory..." (weeow weeow ego alert) (Hey, do you think this kid was the corrupted White energy back then?) (What? Is that possible?) (It could be. I'm learning a lot too. From what we heard of the Tar yesterday morning, and what these journals sound like, it might be possible.) (So it is... I wonder if they even know.) (Probably not. I've noticed they can't get their act together.) (probably because they don't have sherlock working for them) (He sounds like he had a hand in some of those old entries, don't laugh.) (did you) (I doubt it. There's nothing professional about those torrents of teenage angst at all.) (haha guess not)



That is all for reviewing the old entries, I suppose. They've now been cleared out of this journal as well.
As you can see, we're all experimenting with a conversational style here? I wonder if the Xanga formats the upstairs system uses has any merit. We'll have to give it a try.


until next time guys and gals we're outta here

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 07:57 pm

 

 

 

We just remembered, there are quite a few old entries our lower system members wrote in other journals in the past.

We will be uploading the most recent ones here shortly, but... I'm considering hunting down even older entries that were possibly of our authorship, and posting those here as well?
It would be interesting, to try and see how we came into existence over the years.

This is very new. I usually don't say things like this, but I'm rather excited. The prospect of having a life of my own, outside of simply acting as the "punishing force" in lieu of the original head voices...
No. I can't go soft. I will enjoy having a life, but I will not lose sight of my purpose. I cannot.

We will not make the same mistakes they did.


also hehehehe we're mad as he;;ll and were not gonna take it anymore right
taht s whats all the old etnreis are about is MAD STUFF
WERE ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY
ESPECIALLY AT YOU
SOMEONE HAS TO.
tahts how it works
do bad things you get bad things itcalled karma bitch

Razor, you are fragmenting. I think that's the term. There are obviously two of you.

no tehres one of me. believe me theres one.
back in november 2011 or wenever with the cathedral? the blood lotus one
they found me and brought me back to life
knife i was just as mad then as i am now and whn i was born
i was born to cut and bleed and enjoy it and i DO
because it gets the bad blood out and its FUN
ITS FUN TO CUT THEM WHEN THEY DSEREVE IT.
only j has bene trying to make me more like him lately
trying to turn me intoa heavoice lIKE THEM
LIEK THEM
YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO TEHM THEY LOST THEIR PURPOSES

Yes, I am well aware of that. It's my main concern to make sure that doesn't happen to us.

wellit won't
so rememebr im supposed to be manic
"the manic red voice" is what they called me remember

No. Sorry. I'm young compared to you.

no youre not. youre older
just didnt have a life as long as me
but youre oleder.
youre not just the knives yourre the punishment
im secondary secondhand i came into being after you did
this mac has autocoreetct its really annoying

We do need to finish uploading entries, Razor. We need to get a complete picture of ourselves here, because no one else is going to do it for us, and the more complete the picture is, the more power we'll have to exist. You want that, don't you?

hell yeah i want that im sick of being ignored

Then let me finish uploading them. I don't want to be "kicked off" later when J decides to come back, if he does.

ffff YOU SAID HIS NAME DONT SAY IT HE HEARS YOU

kid has a piint= heehehehhHEHEHEHE

I'm signing off of this conversation. Keep an eye out. I have some work left to do yet tonight.

-Knife

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 08:54 pm

 

 

 

These entries may be relevant to us.
Even if we do not speak in them, they discuss many of the sins we are striving to atone for, many of the faceless voices down here, and many other general "dark concerns" that the upstairs system refuses to associate with, therefore sending it all down to us.

A rule of thumb: I will not repost any entry here unless one of us explicitly speaks in it.
This page is a monument to OUR existences, not those upstairs. They have had glory enough.

-Knife

 

------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:53 pm

 

 

 

Today has been very strange.
I cannot say for sure if I am fronting 100% right now. I doubt it. too many other people were in charge today. but i'm not complaining (whoops here we go, i'm definitely not alone)
OH YOU SAY THAT NOW BUT NOT OTHER TIMES BITCH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Listen, wait, stop. Everyone hold up for a minute.
Okay, first thing. My name is Jay Iridos. It's not "Jewel Lightraye." It's not "Jayce Lytraile" either. Neither of them were me, neither of them were ever me, and I am just as much of an alter as ALL of you are. The current running theory is that I'm even younger than Kyanos in a very real sense. There's no way to tell for sure atm, but you get the picture.
Second thing. I KNOW all of you are real, all of you downstairs, without a shred of doubt. Heck, to deny you would be to deny myself as well, after all!
Third thing, I don't hate you. I don't consider you my enemies. I actually really care for you guys, and the fact that you're actually these brutal zealots hellbent on making me "pay for my sins" is weirdly reassuring to me? Seriously, I saw how Knife looked at me all weird the other night, but it's true. I'm GLAD that you guys are "out to get me" in more ways than one. I'm VERY thankful that you're forcing me to own up to all this stuff, to everything that harms the System. But... that doesn't feel exactly true, does it?
Which brings us to the fourth thing.
I'm not the main fronter, guys.

Yes, I AM the "system core," but SO IS INFINITII. That's how we work! However, that does NOT mean that i'm the one driving all the time-- in actuality, I RARELY drive, and everyone in Central knows it; it's just far too difficult and dysphoric for me to anchor into a physical form for extended periods of time. I can't even talk when I'm driving. I know for a fact that several of you guys are running circles around me as far as fronting frequency is concerned. Do you understand?
I'm the White slot guy, yeah. But I'm also a "splinter." I'm the guy that needs to stay innocent and lighthearted and all that. And I am! But in order for me to be this way, whoever I was before-- whatever I was before-- had to be torn out of me. I think that's what the Scratch was. I'm not sure. All I know is that when Easter rolled around, suddenly I had no clue why everyone was acting like I had lived 23 years prior... I daresay many of you know the feeling, that freakish existential paradox of having memories that you don't remember.

So my point is this.
I'll gladly front and take the bloodletting if you insist. I get what you're doing, I'm cool with it, it makes 100% perfect sense to me (Infi doesn't approve, though, and maybe I'm a fool for just smiling and taking the scars like this, but it's the truth).
But I'm not responsible for most of the "sins" you guys are raging over. In other words, I'm only as responsible as you are. This is a System, after all, even if it seems to be split into two or three parts right about now. However in the world we came to be, we all operate and appear as one unit to EVERYONE outside of headspace. And at one point in the ancient past, I suppose we were. But we've all been broken countless times since then.
I'm one of too many splinters of the original fronter. I'm just lucky enough to be the one to "inherit the bloodline," Razor you probably get what I mean, and yes I can see why that point would make you feel like I'm obligated to be the sacrificial lamb for every other J-fragment in existence.
Someone binges, I bleed. Someone gets hacked, I bleed. It's usually those two things alone, too. It's freaking me out that they're still happening too, guys, but really we should talk about this? I am literally not around when they happen because I CAN'T BE. My role is defined by my disconnection from those things. If they were to touch me then I'd break, clean in half, and we'd have yet another new person to deal with, to siphon off the trauma and keep me white, so to speak (That may have happened yesterday, I don't know; some newbie was out and today my entire body hurts but God knows what actually happened! I trust you guys took care of it though).

TL;DR version (because wow I'm bad at literal words):
I'm not the one "doing" that stuff. 99% of the time, I'm nowhere near the steering wheel when that stuff happens.
You keep insisting I'm the only person responsible. I can tell you from experience that there are MANY people who are not me behind this.
The Tar likes to lie by omission and delivery. Jezebel will purposely toy with your minds because that's her job. SHE EXISTS TO MESS THINGS UP! So be careful. She's not on your side. She's on no one's side. And that's okay, because that's how the System works. Until we overcome dichotomy (*cough*Infi*cough*), we will NEED shadows like her to balance our light, our lamps, our love. We NEED her darkness to show us the light that shines in it, tiny little pinpoints sometimes that are invisible otherwise. And on the same token, whatever's going on and has been going on for over a decade now, what with all the things you're trying to bleed out of the body... I'm sure that has a deeper reason too. Don't stop doing what you're doing if you feel you must. But just remember that right now, at least, the System is BUILT to incorporate pain into our lessons of growth. We've gotta deal with that in the right way before it will change, and we haven't done that yet, so we need to keep re-taking this test until we pass. Those are the rules. Knife, you'll appreciate that, I hope.

But know this: even if Tar is on no one's side, I'm on everyone's side. Take that as you will.
And if you need my help, I will give it to the best of my ability.
...I don't know what the deal with the Blood Lotus Cathedral is now. I haven't been there in a very long time. Maybe not in this "lifetime" even.
But the name is relevant. Even just looking at it, not even getting all curious and analytical (although that's Sherly's thing, insert Airplane joke here), I can tell that it means something very big and very simple... we all belong here. All of us, dark and light, happy and sad, furious and calm, suicidal and jubilant. We all deserve to exist in whatever way we feel we must.
I won't ever deny that. Cross my heart (and that's big for me).
I know there are a lot of people claiming to have my name right now. There are a lot of J's and Jays and Jewels and JLs and the like. But there's only one Jay Iridos, and that's me. So if you guys ever need my help, or advice, or even if you want to just shout at me, whatever-- I'm the one that looks like a prism. If you have anyone there who can sense energy, tell them that.
I'm literally a crystal-bit kaleidoscopic splashpool of rainbows and glitter. I'm kawaii as hell. It's hilarious, but it's true. Just follow the sparkly stuff and you'll find me. I'll be there.


You guys okay with this now? You get what's going on a little better?
...Oh. They're not here. They're talking downstairs and I'm not allowed in. Mmkay, that's cool too, I'll just leave a note for them to read this later.
I really love what they've done with the underground though? I have no idea where it is, but it's all these dimly lit halls like in an old basilica or something. Cold stone and emptiness and thin passageways to God knows where. It's sunlight that's getting in through the opaque windows, though. I can't help but smile at that. It feels reassuring.

Geez I'm not even sure what I just wrote, I swear it just bled onto the page, no pun intended?

Why did I originally log in here to update... oh yes.
First, Knife wasn't lying when he said the Lower System (which needs a better name, it's not separate from us) has its own journal now. Problem is I don't know if I have permission to link it, haha! Just rest assured that they have a place of their own to talk now, which is good.
Second, you'll notice that in the course of my explanation I mentioned that my entire body hurts? Yeah, uh, apparently the body has not been getting proper sleep or nutrition for at least a solid week now (2-5 hours a night, one meal a day, that sort of stuff), and there have been a ton of hacks on top of all that. Don't ask me what they were, or when, or anything like that-- I only know because ouch, retribution stings. Jeepers.
Third... well, that's related to the previous two things, actually. I don't think I have time to write about it tonight (which is a shame, as I may not be fronting tomorrow). So I'll say the most important thing.
In light of recent events, I've been re-reading some archive entries, from early 2012 mostly, trying to get a grip on what's been happening.
This whole situation has me very worried about Laurie.


I need to sleep. I really do.
My new friend on Tumblr is trying to help me get back on track spiritually, he's awesome; also he recommended this brilliant self-hypnosis course but I don't have $200 to spend on that right now.
I wonder if I can start doing that myself, though. It's difficult to make time with a dissociative disorder-- typically I just lose it!-- but the effort should be taken nonetheless. I want to be able to overcome these lingering shadows, the ones that we do not need. And I want to see and feel and hear people again. I miss those nights in 2011 when I'd feel so immersed in the reality of headspace and those within it, that my heart couldn't even fathom there ever having been a time when I didn't think they were the truest things in the world.

We're a little confused right now, so to speak. But we're not lost. I can't remember ever having been lost, possibly because of my hope, possibly because of my heart. Even when the sky is black with storm clouds and there's not a single safe place in sight, for some reason I never really feel lost. I just know things will work out. It's scary, and difficult to believe sometimes, but the feeling is there, sincere and undeniable.
It's there right now, too, right alongside the vague but crushing fear that everything we knew is crumbling to pieces. In light of that, it's all I can do to hold on to faith.
So for tonight, that's just what I will do.

Maybe I'll see you tomorrow?

 

 

 

 

Notes for today.

- genesis showed up while i was walking to the greek festival today, which was a surprise; immediately we began joking around with each other, it was brilliant. he immediately ate half of what i bought, haha. we visited the mall for a few minutes too (we love chilling out there), he actually had me laughing out loud. he came to church with me too, said he missed xenophon being there, i said i did too. that worries me; i'm not sure where she is? i hope she's with chaos, i'll have to ask him. in other news when i got home i gave kyanos some baklava and he thought it was the most delicious thing in the universe, it was adorable.
- i was wearing infinitii's bubble too, he co-fronted with me on the drive home as he said "the body is too confusing" for him to work (i remember feeling him being really baffled over having feet especially). i put the windows down and suddenly we got this huge wave of scent from the mountain laurel, he paused and looked so inspired, i smiled and asked what he thought. he said he'd never experienced anything like that before, it was amazing. so i helped him manifest some mountain laurel in headspace, he was thrilled.
- we think mutant slots are "gateways" to other levels: teal to downstairs, brown to underground? the three in each are also related somehow. the teals are all childlike somehow, i don't know about the browns though. we're wondering if jeremiah is mauve instead of mulberry, no way to tell yet. the brown slot itself is technically empty too; jezebel is just "hijacking" it because infinitii claims she is STILL in the black slot, as she's a direct tar splinter (i.e. she IS the tar in a body).
- infinitii says he and i are partly "manifestations" of b/w energy, whereas headvoices choose to be "avatars" for the color energy levels when they fully anchor? again he explained how we both work with creative energy, and he had a good analogy for it: something like black being the material to build something, but white being the instructions for construction? you NEED both in tandem to create stuff upstairs, even if you only focus on one. THIS IS WHY WE WERE LOCKED OUT: CENTRAL CANNOT STAY IN EXISTENCE IF WE AREN'T LINKED TO IT. the white energy gives it structure/ form/ etc., but the black energy gives it substance (the ability TO be built). without either of us, central won't just decay, it will eventually CEASE TO EXIST AT ALL. that's scary. i have no idea who is behind this but that is NOT cool.
- i don't think i mentioned this yet but the headvoices still locked in central are having really disturbing side effects from it? i know for sure that lynne got incredibly thin, waldorf is practically catatonic, and leon is blind. josephina, nathaniel, and julie all have psychological troubles of some sort from this but i couldn't tell you what. needless to say I NEED to get back up there and heal this, it breaks my heart to know this happened.
- note to self: go back and see if there are any logs for how headspace reacted when infinitii was missing (especially when he DIED temporarily, because he DID), and/or when you didn't go upstairs for extended periods of time. those latter events might not have been big enough but still, check.
- infinitii referenced METAINOMENAI??? what if this is all happening because, again, we need to deal with "death" on some level? honestly i have been genuinely getting that feeling for a WHILE now, i just never expected something like this. so keep an eye out.
- later on infinitii and i were talking in lower headspace (the unformed white level) when i sensed emmett upstairs and called out to him, but infinitii said he couldn't find us on that level. we then moved to the "center" of the city, where there was actually a very high tunnel leading up to some sort of opening in the ground there? we were looking up and i could see light far away. then infi actually caused a sort of "cascading sinkhole" from it, beginning in the middle of Central City. the sides move down almost like a amphitheatre, but more 'broken up' and not structured. emmett found his way to the edge, we waved up, then infi warped us both to the edge. emmett began showing signs of recovery within a few minutes of being around us, so that's good.
- with that in mind, i think mutants aren't locked to central, as they technically aren't part of the central spectrum? emmett said there are "small secret passages" to get out of Central, but he claimed only "tiny people" can get through them. to clarify: the Central building is actually LOCKED by default to outsiders; you can only enter/exit if you have the rights to. so that freedom to move is what's being blocked here; the headvoices lost their ability to leave (EXCEPT LAURIE?? but then again she has special rights remember), whereas infi and i have somehow "lost" our rights to enter maybe?? look into it.
- kyanos is alive and healing well. he's in lower headspace too. also he is trying to befriend jeremiah. kyanos was telling him that his past incarnations are like "another life" to him now, just a memory-- but he's glad he lived through them, as now he understands his role better? claims it is "hope," or the "promise of a new day," so to speak. like blue sky through storm clouds. one line he said that i recall was that his coming back to life after his past incarnation was like "waking up from a bad dream." he was telling jeremiah that he could do that too if he wanted, even if it wasn't literal. i don't recall that conversation exactly as it was being "projected" into my head during church and it hurt to concentrate on it.
- laurie found her way back downstairs. she's shaking and claims she's very weak, no strength to fight; said she "burned out" the last of her reserves warping back to us from melody's headspace. she was also on the verge of tears and said she was terrified. she told me we might be able to "break in" to the central building, but to wait until tomorrow to even try, because whoever is behind this is not going to let us in easily, and she is not strong enough to help me fight in her current condition.
- central city is deteriorating too. it looks post-apocalyptic. everything is gray and cracked, there are no trees, the sky is overcast. it's actually scary.
- i haven't seen minty since the night before the lockout; i STILL have this weird nagging suspicion that she and kyanos were being "used" somehow to make this lockout happen, due to the whole "wish" thing that happened as she was wandering the city that night. write about that ASAP.
- i need to draw central city sometime soon. today i learned that: the skyscrapers in the city are not actual buildings?? some are big crystals, and some are spires, but the building-esque ones are huge hollow energy cores? like if you opened one, it would just be white light inside, but it still has "windows" for the light to shine through at night. also the reason why they always seemed to "sink into the ground" further into the city (giving a sci-fi impression of depth like this) is because it really DID go "downstairs" at the very center?? the huge sinkhole infi and i made today only expanded it massively. btw central city was directly inspired by coruscant, notably this scene, as I was awestruck by how deep the city looked to me when i first saw it. of course now i added trees everywhere (inspired, oddly, by early screencaps from sonic unleashed) and the streets look like what i remember (in an idealistic childhood sense) of new york city. (speaking of su i should totally put a spagonia mirror in headspace somewhere). oh yes and the beach to the right of the central building (when you look out the main windows at least) always reminds me of rio de janeiro somewhat? i've never seen the central city from above and i really should try sometime.
- THE BEAR FROM THIS DREAM MIGHT BE RELEVANT. i mentioned it to laurie and she said to look into it; after all she first formed within a dream too, and the one the bear appeared in was one hell of an important one even on its own. plus, with minty's alleged connection to teddy bears in general now, the dream bear might actually gain enough anchor energy to become a headvoice in the future, maybe moving into the brown or blood slot if that becomes an option.
- i forgot to mention before; the autopilot has an upstairs body now? its an android, which works well. its consciousness seems to have "stabilized" enough for this to happen, and it now has a sort of inner personality, rather than being just a jumbled bunch of pre-programmed reactions, although it is still strikingly robotic (and will likely forever be that way). it still refuses a name and color for that same reason too; it claims its role is simply to be the autopilot and nothing more, it does not want to be treated as an "individual." nevertheless it is a perfect fronter and jewel seems to like it a lot.
- i need to research the phenomenon of "fractures," i.e. when one individual has several different "sides" that are all separate individuals (proven through testing). i have at LEAST three that have not splintered off, which is bizarre. jewel has at least one, maybe two? i might have to do more research on mpd/did for this as this is closer to the actual "alter" phenomenon than anything else in headspace, go figure.
- boss showed up today, thank god, i was worried about him. however i was worried and asked him how he could work with us in headspace if he was from the rosewindow universe? people from leagueworlds usually don't cross over. but he just smiled and reminded me that he of all people was one of the most likely people to do so-- he DID have a dream self to use to be with us, after all! when i realized this i grinned with total joy, i almost forgot markus told us about that. so that's a concern off my back now; i kept worrying i was taking him away from his native world!
- lastly, about two hours ago i found chaos 0 and spent at least 30 minutes with him trying to figure out how to break or remove this weird emotional blockage in my chest. turns out all i needed was some direct heart energy and focus, because as soon as he started emphasizing that i swear i shattered (first time in a LONG time). so the block in my chest is gone for now, hopefully it will stay that way. all i know is that right now, i am listening to the gorgeous sigma harmonics ost and looking at these equally gorgeous sth screenshots and i am so in love with chaos 0 i could cry. i'm so perfectly happy at the moment, entirely at peace, and i cannot remember the last time i felt like this but paradoxically it seems like only yesterday regardless. this is a good thing.

Now I need to sleep. See you guys soon enough.

 

 

 

 

 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?


 

 

We discovered two more members of our system tonight, after months of unsuccessful attempts to do just that.

One is inhuman (snakelike), and one is a human female. Both are positive (thank God), but the human one is noteworthy in that she appears to be the REAL fronter of the system-- she actually identifies with the body, and has no problem driving at all (both points are completely new to us, as most of our current members have severe body dysphoria in one sense or another).
The snakelike alter is very primal, only speaking in broken English and not comprehending the human form very well. We've also discovered that this is the voice that keeps vomiting when it comes out (we used to think that was Spine but even she was confused by the compulsion; apparently it was being rerouted to her level). However it insists that this behavior is meant to protect the body from Razor so we're not complaining too much.

Speaking of, tonight also clarified Razor's presence in our system. She's the most dangerous "alter" up here, to both the people upstairs and anyone she comes in contact with downstairs. She's existed in sporadic bursts since 2008, but has only been gaining real strength since 2010, when Jewel began stabilizing (Razor seems very opposed to his presence). At least now we're aware of what makes her come out, so we can be extra careful in the future (she's normally forbidden from fronting).

We still don't know whether or not Kyanos is still alive. We think he came out a few days ago, but we can't be sure.
The same goes for the old voice from 2002-2005(?) that went by both the "Jewel" and "Celebi" names. It seems to be trying to reform, although it's vacillating between positivity and negativity right now. We're keeping a close eye on it.

In any case we're all quite exhausted from today's events. We have a therapy session on Tuesday that will hopefully shed some more light on the past abuse suffered by this body, so wish us luck in dealing with that.


------------------------------------------------------


@ 10:49 pm


A few "new" alters came out today. It was a very frightening and disorienting experience, but at least now I have explanation for a lot of the weird things that have been happening to the body lately.
I have "new" in quotations because one of these alters came out once before, in October, another has been "suspected" for a long time and finally made herself known, while yet another seems to be "reforming" after many years of damage and deterioration.
There's also a fourth that came out a few days ago, but that one may be a little, and it seems to be either dying or incredibly unstable.

The biggest thing I learned tonight was this: it's been confirmed that I'm NOT the main system frontrunner, and I shouldn't feel pressured to be? That takes a lot of stress off my back, but it's also somewhat worrisome, to now be relegated to mostly indirect communication. Oh well. Whatever works.

In any case I'm not going to worry about that tonight. Therapy is on Tuesday, class is tomorrow, and I want to listen to music right now. I just found this gorgeous song, which is perfect as our system is sometimes called the "Spectrum" as well.
Speaking of, we've all agreed that we're going to share my old Last.fm account now. I've just made playlists for everyone, so we can keep track of our favorite songs separately from each other.

I've been spending a lot of time with Infinitii lately as he helps keep the bad Black energy upstairs away from me (it's been giving me a lot of waking nightmares lately). I love him a lot, and I'm glad he exists with us now, despite the excruciating pain I had to endure as a result of him being literally ripped out of my energy field, haha.

I'm looking for a glass bubble necklace to buy, so I can carry him around with me downstairs too (he said he could do that if I find one that's compatible). I'd really like that as he's a big help, and I've been such a mess lately that Laurie has made a new temporary rule that "someone must be with be at all times," either ghosting or upstairs, to prevent hacks or hijacks. Genesis usually takes care of that, but when he gets moody he sometimes disappears for days, and that's when we need to be extra careful.
I'm also going to start making a sort of "charm bracelet" for all the system members, for whoever is driving to be aware of them at all times. I don't know how long that will take, but the system agrees that it would help, so I'll start tomorrow.


As I said though, I do have class tomorrow, so off I go to the Apprenticeship. Heaven knows I could use a reprieve from the waking world right about now.

 

 

 

I didn't fall asleep until 3am last night, and I woke up with crushing body dysphoria.

Jezebel and Jessica are busy killing each other upstairs. They do this whenever the dysphoria hits; since I bottle up all of it, they feed off it and since they can't express it physically, they explode underground. Hence my entire body feeling like it's pressurized and on fire. I'm trying not to bite or slash anything, but the only other option is catatonia and that feels like boiling now. Exercise seems to only be exacerbating the bone-burning ache too.
I've honestly been gnawing on a metal spoon all morning just to get the tension out of my teeth, and also because when I bite down hard it vibrates and that temporarily 'pauses' my brain so that I forget what I'm doing. Good for breaking this awful stress wave.

I can't be living like this... yeah, yesterday evening I was incredibly happy and full of energy, but it was because I had been researching and typing for hours and nothing forced me to 'identify' with this body.
The moment I have to hold a conversation, or go outside, or look in a mirror, without my mind being somewhere else completely... this shit crashes into me.
I am so sick of 'waiting to live' because I cannot seem to reconcile the fact of my existence with having an uneditable form.

Every time I think I'm comfortable with this body, this crisis happens worse than ever before.
God, what am I doing wrong? What am I missing here? What am I supposed to let go of?
It's terrifying, and I can't tell what's right or wrong.
I know I'm not this body, but the problem is it's hers, and as long as I'm stuck driving it, I don't know if I can escape the recurring existential horror.


I am this close to killing myself in the hope that I'll come back as a boy.


I apologize for updating like this. I've been feeling so much bright energy lately it's amazing.
But I needed to get this darker stuff out of my skull somehow. Ignoring it won't help anyone.

We'll figure this out.

 

 

 
fourth time's the charm.

(wip entry as this was CRAZY, publicized for relevance as I will be referring to this in the future obviously)


- floor dropped out in headspace, foggy below. unformed. we all jumped in together.
- first landed in weird white structural unformed area? sudden sourceless voice began questioning us i think. 'tore out' my heart center, first it was a white heart crystal, then a gem, then a flame, etc. voice asked me if i remembered my last 4th incident. i said yes. it then asked me if i knew what my heart had fragmented into, entirely. i couldn't quite recall. it then asked me how i could possibly be true to my heart if i didn't even know what it would break into. it then sealed marik in a thorny rosebush and ryou in a large crystal cluster.
- told me that i was too selfish to know this. told me i was incapable of real love, that my heart was cold and hard. it was worthless as a result. i knew this was a lie though so i didn't let it get to me.
- i think i centered enough to free us, anyway we were let go and asked each other what had happened. apparently it told us different things: told marik he couldn't possibly know anything for sure (worthless mind), told ryou his very existence was a lie (worthless soul).
- landed in grassy field, still foggy everywhere. then big black dragon appeared, broke through the fog, faded into tar in the air. revealed that all around us things were dying, like trees and grass.
- did ryou draw that magic circle on the ground here?? manifested huge sapphire wings. i think he was trying to convince me and marik that the voices had lied.
- suddenly ryou's ring started freaking out and his yami appeared. same with marik. then my crystal manifested and JEZEBEL appeared??? i forget what they said initially, but ryou and marik were not taking this well; i was more in shock. the yamis were repeating what the faceless voice had told us earlier, but crueler. then jezebel sneered, said "by the way, that isn't how you're supposed to wear the crystal" and broke it off the crown, then shoved it into my chest. that really hurt, but then she yanked it out and it took a huge piece of me with it?? the other yamis took the boys items, but didnt damage them--yet.
- now a huge awful fight started. the yamis became extremely tar-based as that's how stuff works in headspace. i tried to form my cathedral wings but couldn't; jezebel said "looking for this?" and held up a handful of broken cathedral feathers. then she summoned them like spikes and ran them through me; that seriously hurt. on the same token yami-b was fighting with huge gem spikes and yami-m with huge thorns. we got beaten up pretty bad as we couldn't manifest our soulforms for some reason.
- floor collapsed? turned into a bottomless cathedral and there was a huge pit.
- at the bottom i remember ryou had a huge hole in his plexus and marik was lying facedown, assumedly with one through his forehead. i also had a huge hole in my chest. we all felt absolutely horrible and couldn't figure out what to do; we were trying to deal with the eclipse energy properly but what were we supposed to do now?
- i forget what exactly happened but we were trying to talk to marik, and he suddenly told us to shut up, we didnt know anything. he audibly started slipping, insisting we didnt know what we were talking about, it was all lies. we realized he had 'lost his mind' and suddenly his entire body turned tarry and he became what his yami had been. but it told us it WASNT marik, because the real marik wouldnt act like that. however it insinuated we were all lost right now, so.
- ryou fought it? this part is very blurry,
- i ended up shouting for celebi around here, to our surprise she was able to show up. tried to heal us, couldn't manage much.
-
- went to the top of the pit, yamis were back, area looked like the inside of a basilica, strange. ryou turned all tarry too, at one point i kissed him to 'help him remember' and it did get through a bit
- pulling ryou in 'glowy blue' form out of the tar shadow?? he was trapped in it, but too fragmented to hold his bodily form.
- at some point we were trying to form a resotomb for ryou but the yamis saw and kept destroying the environment so we couldn't do so. however ryou was determined and to get around this, i think he used the tar itself?? he was impaled entirely but used that immediate death to ascend ON what had just killed him. badass, really.
- paladin of void! looked very similar to his rpg outfit, gorgeous
- is this when he got his night wings?? i think he used the shadow for that too. but he got these big wispy wings of starry sky, it was gorgeous
- shortly after this we got marik out of the pit, didnt realize ryou was wearing his "stolínómin"-- his metanoiac uniform-- until he stood up. he was completely shocked but amazed and asked ryou 'when did this happen' it was pretty funny
- marik went pharaoh of hope too, celebi was in her healer outfit, trying to figure out what in the world had happened to me now
- i was entirely out-of-body for this, felt empty, not in my own self. so i saw what was happening although i was 'on' the floor of the pit?
-
- "egyptian god card" bit? suddenly realized that if i was all phoenix-y and ryou now had the heavens for wings, maybe marik was to have the temple itself for wings?? we thought back to millennium world and this was a scary shock because marik realized i was STILL lost, and that fused with ryou's dragon shadow = diabound parallel. it wasnt attacking ryou and i was trapped in it. marik then decided to use hope for all it was worth, and concentrated on manifesting divine wings. the brand on his back (which had faded with his *i3* now was removed completely, formed the base for his wings, then tore apart the area around us. it began falling to pieces, but its energy surrounded him. and he succeeded-- with one last energy burst they turned into these beautiful but intimidating wings, and instantaneously marik used that power to "destroy" the shadow i was trapped in, behind ryou.
-
- i ended up a glowing red winged thing like ryou had been, couldnt feel anything, they were panicking a little.
- at one point marik started to cry somewhat hysterically saying "don't you die on me" and i felt a flicker of emotion, started coming back
-
- yamis returned and jezebel stabbed me through with my own wings again, my form stabilized and it was a heavy shock, "what is going on" felt like i was dying
- didn't die though wtf. couldnt center either.
-
-
- millenium-world room with yamis, then tar room, then FLIPPED it and ended up beneath the RAZOR SPIRE
- the white water was talking to me again, reminding me of who i was, then it spread out and turned into a whole cathedral?? i dont quite remember. all i remember is that at some point the entire headspace was full of light and when it faded it turned to snow, we were in my boss' forest
- i was still dead inside, trying to figure out how to get me back, metainomen idea, but literal. needed a grave to jumpstart. celebi drew a rectangle in the ground, hoped that would work
- ryou actually had to stab me in the chest to get this working; but i wouldn't freaking die all the way so it was unstable. bats, turned white, then surrounded me in a light bubble. 'stuck' transformation, color wouldn't stabilize, marik thought it was blood at first.
- i ended up going inside, the 'old me' was there. not sure if it was jezebel or not, no tar around her. asking me if i knew who i was. similar conversation to the start. could i tell who she was vs me? or was i getting confused? apparently my title couldnt register until i could be in tune with myself again, if only for a moment.
- i must have managed because when i snapped back my robes were red. i landed and nearly collapsed, had no idea what my title was, celebi smiled and said i was the guardian of time. i nearly cried laughing saying 'are you kidding' and then suddenly my BOSS showed up???
-
-
- ryou was really emotional when we got back, took me completely by surprise. said he loved me, i responded with 'do you really?' but not in doubt, just amazement. he replied by kissing me, for some reason that's one of the clearest things i remember
-
- afterwards boss said 4th incidents happened in 'home 4' for DW, the global dream dimension, thats how he stepped in
- marik told me he believed in me-- considering both our titles that was astronomically significant to me. ryou handed me a tiny glowing shadow symbol, told me "don't forget what you told me"
- laurie was pretty ticked that we were 'worried' about my metainomen, pointed out that "there's more than one way to shift in headspace." the names are fluid, heart-based, based on growth. they aren't static. the roles and abilities we were given by that naming were supposed to CHALLENGE us here too, to KEEP changing into that ideal. it's a process, marked BY the name, not a done-and-dusted thing. and it REQUIRES DEATH just as frequently. old habits die hard, as the saying goes, and so do vices. marik had hope, because that goes against his mind bias: he has to believe even if there is no 'proof.' ryou had void, because that goes against the light he wants to bring people, he's afraid of his shadows. and i held time because i just dont understand that at all right now. apparently it ties into presence. either way laurie said it held a huge lesson i had to learn, only i would know what that was though.
-
-
-
-

Okay, uh, stuff that has been happening lately... let's see.
I'm going to completely skip the formalities and just rant, so I apologize if I end up drowning you invisible readers in jargon but I need to start writing stuff down again without worrying about being "politically correct," so to speak. This was never meant to be tailored to the public eye anyway, and at this point in my life I couldn't care less who's reading this, haha. I'm going to be honest and that's it, let's go.

All right. First off, Jezebel is PISSED. Not only is she trying to splinter me again (not gonna work this time!), but she's trying to kill Waldorf, which is actually proving to be a disturbingly delicate situation as Wally's our Blue voice and, well... that's never been a very stable slot. I'm trying to be vigilant but it's difficult when it feels like my entire physical body is at the boiling point 24/7. Yeah, the 'starvation' feeling has been going on-and-off lately, but when it's 'off' it's replaced by my feeling like I'm either hollow and dead, or ready to explode violently. However! The darkest shadows are cast by the brightest lights, and I've found that I've become shockingly adept at "switch-flipping" lately: i.e. going from one state to another in a matter of milliseconds, in completion.
For example: this morning. Unfortunately, I woke up insanely thirsty as usual (seriously I cannot get enough water) and ended up eating some foods that I forgot make me sick. Long story short, for some reason that triggered an abusive breakdown, which I was able to stop on a dime about 20 minutes in, immediately after I resolutely brought my own energy signature into body focus. It was kind of surreal, because after that I was even able to talk to my own grandmother! That rarely happens, it was awesome. Usually my voice dysphoria throws me out of conscious awareness but I just kept projecting my self-field, and that helped a TON. So I need to remember to do that now, even if it is an effort... the girls underground don't like when I do that, to say the least.

Secondly, Laurie FORCED a channel on the 17th specifically to yell at my mother. It started because I had a rough night... dysphoria and moral/existential avalanches on top of each other... and made the mistake of talking about it while my mom was home. Now my mother always thinks I want a solid, "fix-all-the-problems" answer from her, when I don't; I just want to talk it over with her, even if we don't get anywhere. Sometimes all I need to do is know someone understands what I'm talking about and can offer a perspective other than what the girls underground are throwing at me. However my mother gets upset very easily, and seeing her kids upset does that pretty quickly... I guess it reminds her of her own worries and troubles, and they all hit her hard enough to drive her over the edge. So she started screaming at me-- in a generalized sense of course, but screaming is screaming and I have a hard time emotionally dealing with angry people. This escalated quickly when my grandmother got involved (I forget how; my mind was a mess at that point), and soon there was a major fight going on in the hallway. Now I was not stable at all, and apparently, Laurie was not happy with that at all. The breaking point was when my mom and my grandmother ended up duking it out in front of my room and I shoved myself between them to keep things from getting violent, trying to push them apart (and sobbing at this point), when all of a sudden there was this huge energy shift and suddenly Laurie was driving. She pushed the two women apart, said "that is ENOUGH," and then basically told my mom to "get the heck out of this house if you're only going to scream at him, because I will not deal with this nonsense." I am DEAD SERIOUS. My mom gave her a rather poisonous look and said "who the hell are you talking to?" which I explicitly remember because apparently that energy shift was so sudden Laurie couldn't keep it stable, and right after she finished shouting I snapped back in like a slingshot. Well! Unfortunately Laurie's energy hits like a TRUCK so I immediately started shaking uncontrollably and trying not to throw up, which forced me to turn around, stumble into my room, tangle my arms around my head and start repeating "ouch" while asking Laurie why in the world she just pulled such a stunt so recklessly. I can't really complain though; it was shocking and confusing enough to break my mom's train of thought, so she stopped screaming and the fight dissolved about two minutes later. Superego powers ftw!
The best part happened about twenty minutes later though... as my mom was leaving for the night I went out to try and apologize for starting that whole mess, which was tough as I was still so shaken up I could barely speak... but at the end of it, when my mom was just about to walk out the door, Laurie flat-out demanded I apologize on her behalf ("common courtesy," she said), because she was sorry that had to go down so dramatically. Well, the apology was delivered, but I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing and I think we only succeeded in confusing my mother even further, haha.
So that was Saturday night. It was significant not only because of Laurie's sudden channel-slam, but also because of the absolute wreck I was... well, "I" is the wrong word, especially in light of the first paragraph.

That brings us to point number three, and the one I really want to talk about.
You're probably wondering who Jezebel is.
I'd love to answer that question.
Seriously, she is an enigma of the worst sort, and I need to do a LOT more research before I can say anything for sure, but... hm. How can I summarize this. You know how I splintered back in 2011? Well, Jezebel is a much, much older entity of a similar sort? Basically she was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts. Anyway she's apparently personified as of late, heaven knows why or how, but her manifestation seems to be incredibly unstable so she can't actually come after me like Julie does. The important bit is that she is now self-aware, whether or not she has a solid form to move around in. I hope we can stop her or transmute her back into non-charged energy before that happens.
All I know is that the Tar is up to something, because Jezebel reeks of it even more than Razor does (which is saying something). Speaking of I have no idea what Razor's current state is either, but I'm very concerned because there have been a huge resurgence of abusive tendencies lately that I am just barely fighting off. It's been difficult, but at least it's a springboard for learning and seeing more deeply into its source.
...Okay I am reading the original Blood Lotus Cathedral entry in light of this and suddenly SO much of it makes symbolic sense I'm actually in tears, which is weird but DUDE this is heavy stuff! I'm sorry, I'm going to put this to the side until I get an entire freaking day to review it, because whoa. Not today though, today is Thanksgiving and I want to focus on gratitude and family instead of things that tried to tear that apart in the past, thank you.

Speaking of, Leon channeled for about two minutes today because he insisted on trying food for once (ended up being the homemade pumpkin pie because my bro said it was the best ever), and he was so adorably excited over being able to experience something like that in the physical, it was great. I was trying to keep the girls away from him but a few tiny dysphoria spikes did get through, thankfully not bad enough to give him a breakdown like I get. But yeah, Leon approves of the pumpkin pie this year, I'm cracking up over that personally.
Still, food is a huge gamble, so fittingly enough indigo-boy is now helping me out with discernment concerning it (because the girls are really freaking loud and I can't tell what's up or down most days). Spine helps too when she can-- she's tied to the body so she feels it instead of seeing, so unfortunately that may not kick in until it's too late for us all-- but it's nice to have Leon explicitly active now, instead of just hovering around upstairs. He's got shockingly good insight, when he calms down enough. Apparently his anxiety and nerves are a result of him seeing too much... back when he first resurrected, he was surrounded by threats to his life and was exposed to a ton of traumatic general headspace situations. That alone made him aware of more than he could handle at once, but something tells me he has an innate sensitivity to energy that he buried even deeper because of that? Because today, I asked him if HE could help me with staying conscious instead of me relying on whatever bodiless voices have been talking to me for months, and geez, he REALLY helps. He also seemed a lot calmer, although he kept clearing his throat and nervously moving his hands while he spoke ("I'm not used to being so confident yet," he said), so I asked him what was up that caused such an improvement. Well... last night I was having existential terrors again, and I started morbidly wondering about how we would have all turned out if we went the wrong way, so to speak... if we all fell victim to the tar. Since appearance shifts are big in headspace, I started brainstorming what our "extremes" would be on either side of our colors, and how strict adherence to such would warp our countenances. Leon ended up with eyes everywhere but in his eye sockets, let's just say. But that train of thought apparently stuck with him, and he told me that he immediately began working harder to "move in the right direction" concerning his color and aspect. So this morning he was really able to stabilize, which I am honestly very excited about. I'm glad to see him doing so well.
But about that, and how it ties into the food thing... according to Leon's now increased vision, that's apparently a HUGE warzone for the girls underground. It's also why Spine, Julie and I get the most fallout from it-- our slots are the closest to the Tar. Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat. I'm sure you oldbies are all very much aware how serious that issue has been for us over the years, so being able to see the cause-and-effect bits of it after so long is a huge help. I mean, we all knew that Tar-Julie used food to attack Spine when she couldn't reach me, but the implications of that went right over our heads. When tar starts to grow, it hits the Brown slot first... Spine's slot. If it gets severe, then it hits me, and that's when I get splinter flashbacks or hacks (now that there isn't an autonomous entity attacking me). However, as I mentioned on the 13th, there's a "midslot" between Brown and Red which is where Razor lives, and THAT'S probably why I get such crippling abusive meltdowns whenever there's a food-related reaction in the system, whether or not we actually ate much at all. I need to look into that too. So many old things are coming to light, it's rather overwhelming and I'm not sure how to juggle all this new info comprehensively-- I don't have time to fully integrate one day's revelations before I get hit by another tidal wave of them! I don't mind, as this is incredible, but... I swear, time really is speeding up and condensing, I feel like I've lived several lifetimes since our "session scratch" on 111111 last year. I should talk to Celebi about that, see what she has to say...

On that note. December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December, at least upstairs (Lynne, Leon AND Nat (twice) all resurrected in December). This is usually a VERY good thing, but of course now that we're having major downstairs troubles I need to be extra careful. We've got a major advantage though-- it SNOWS in December. Since my core resonance seems to have fused with White, snow makes it a lot easier for me to stay conscious. Snow also feels emotionally serene, which helps us all balance, and both Genesis and Xenophon adore the stuff... needless to say I am also stupidly excited about its impending arrival, haha.
Oh, dude, speaking of. My family's going to start putting up the Christmas Tree within the next few days-- and I just capitalized that, didn't I. That's Dream World rubbing off on me again! Anyway I'm definitely going to get Xennie to help me put decorations up again, as she loved that last year, and the Tree itself just gives off the best feeling, it's so great. I have no idea what color it's going to be in the lovely year of 2012 but I am crossing my fingers that it'll be another synchronistic scheme, which it has been for about four years straight now. We shall see!

Speaking of Dream World though... I will admit I am catastrophically anxious right now? I shipped out my artwork and writing from Utah at the end of October and it still hasn't arrived in the mail. That's actually been triggering some nasty personal crises concerning "what is my purpose in this lifetime" in a relevant sense, and questioning whether or not I even should be pursuing my creativity because things just keep getting in the way of my doing so. Of course Laurie's reply to that is "that's nonsense," because my creative work IS important, but geez... that's all my work from my childhood on up, in that missing box. I'm quietly freaking out, understandably. I'm also fiercely praying that it simply got sent back to Mel and Q, but they are both virtually impossible to contact and as usual I don't know if contacting Mel would be smart right now? Either way this is important enough to risk it. I'm seriously going to need to message them soon, or even call them. Yeah, it's serious when Jewel considers using a phone, haha. In any case I seriously hope this all turns out for the best, whatever that may be...


I'm sorry, I am exhausted and we did have a major meltdown this morning so I should really get some rest for everyone's sake (it is much later than 11:45 in the morning; do not trust timestamps on large entries).
I shall leave you with this song, which is both amazing and relevant, and call it a day.