the spectrum heart cathedral system

september 17th.

things of today:


- new mesita song. I swear it's about laurie. it's fantastic. https://soundcloud.com/mesita/bethelight

- tox gave me a respirator (in heartspace) with crosses on it. it keeps me from breathing in bad things around me/us and inside, when they try to do that. that's a huge help

- guess who said hello to me during exercise today? HOSEA. man i MISS that dude, i love him lots. he was dreaming about flying around his native city and sharing the "data" with me. i kept getting lost on all the barrel rolls and somersaults, haha. upside down always confuses my brain. but not all of them threw me off! so it was really cool to feel the flips. and the freedom, the joy, was so nice. i need to reach out to the headspace-talker leagueworld people more often, besides preludove and my boss of course. i love them all.

- we got a $5 gift card for kmart and minty kind of wants a tiny care bear (to be a safe thing that we carry) so we'll go look for one tomorrow.

- spent the past 4 days or longer working on LG*GIRLS of all things. that series has almost no development yet but I'm hoping to get it to talk, with this new attention. still ironing out the color combos (there's ONE repeated combo I have to fix, and one of the blues might be swapped for a lime green, meaning even MORE revisions) but we're almost done. after this I can get this next shirt done, haha. it's for this series, so!

- cel is ticked off at jasmine, said she does NOT want what jasmine wants, does not approve, said the forest does not approve either, that's why so many "synchronicities" happen to STOP HACKERS when they front. but yeah cel is NOT letting anyone use her, thank god. I was so worried, for a while she was so confused and hurt too.

- laurie and I were wondering if maybe nathaniel could be a sort of "trump card" for us against the "fear seeding hackers," the ones that are trying to turn the forest into a trigger, yes that is blasphemously brazen. but nathaniel is sheer compassion, and tied to the woods, so maybe HE can heal that gut-deep anxiety, if cel can't do so completely.

- therapy today, planning to go to sheppard pratt in the VERY near future because the family/home environment has recently become utterly, maniacally toxic. our stress level is currently a big raw rubbery red thing, something awful like a tumor hanging in the air, buzzing right in the middle of our vision. it's horrid. so we need to get somewhere safe, to heal, to focus on US.

- therapist wants us to sit down and actually think about how our treatment as a child affected us. we were trying to express how stressed we were and she asked us about how the mother treated us and our biological siblings, how did our siblings interact with us, etc. I gave her what sparse vague data we had, it was shocking how little there was, but then I admitted in surprise that "I've never even thought about how her behavior in our childhood affected us now," esp. our subconscious instincts. the therapist said we should do that over the weekend then, it should shed light on a lot.

- brother is still paranoid, vibe of entitled superiority is still making me very uncomfortable, but I swear he IS "waking up" even so and the experiences he's having are AMAZING and I just wish he would actually TALK to us. he never does and that's sad in a way; we might not "know who he is" really but it feels like we could still have a rapport with him, we could learn a lot from each other's experiences. still that's somewhat hypocritical. we admitted that we "can't be honest with anyone" UNLESS we completely introduce them to the basics of headspace. that's us, that's our soul, we cannot possibly tell the truth if "we" are trying to appear neurotypical. the alters in charge of maintaining that mask are so shallow and programmed too. darn good at "playing the game," but there's no substance, no personality behind it. and if you test it that becomes very obvious very fast, BUT then we come out because we were there the whole time, just completely buried by the fakey fronters. so we really want to try to get to that point of honesty with at least him soon. its just that sometimes he scares us for some reason, we're actually afraid to be around him? but it's a "child fear." I wonder what its roots are, and/or who is specifically feeling it. we'll have to see.

- mother's boyfriend "finally" kicked her out of his house, after 6 years? they fight all the time, their relationship is upsettingly immature and manipulative and really just highly unhealthy. I asked the mother why she stayed with him for so long if she couldn't stand him and she said "I needed somewhere to hide," specifically from my grandmother, as those two have this bizarre sort of viciously bitter passive-aggressive vendetta against each other. it's sad and I want to see it healed but I'll admit, again, when I'm unconscious and therefore "social" I can just parrot either of their arguments depending on "what is conversationally expected." see the problem, neurotypical behavior doesn't give a darn about morality. anyway yeah no idea what's going to happen now, with both the mother and brother now back in this house I fear what the atmosphere is going to be like…. but we'll manage. we can use this as an opportunity to be a brighter light than ever before, to be as centered as we possibly can, to practice patience and forgiveness and charity. that's how we have to deal with this.

- there was a hack today. one of the infamous "60 seconds and you're dead" ones apparently. they went through infi and ze was sobbing, apparently it came out of nowhere and coincided with blackout/ time loss and it's just a mess.

- …lately laurie has not been coping with this well. she's shredded emotionally. last night the full breadth of all this hit her and she just started wailing, it was the most heartwrenching thing I've ever heard, it split me in half.

- this evening, she went full-out destroyer, embracing her black energy resonance and picking up her gold-edged axe and absolutely booming with thunder and huge crackles of violet lightning. she looked like some sort of furious divine thing. I clearly remember seeing lynne and jo looking at her with awestruck fear and lynne saying "what is she," jo saying "maybe she's what we all can become"

- lynne warned laurie about getting lost in that griefstricken rage, laurie took out the angel helmet and put it on? vibe changed totally to a sort of victoriously peaceful integrity? hard to put into words. like she knew that no matter what the hackers did they could NOT affect our soul, they would NEVER win, and yet she also would not stand for their behavior at all, but she wouldn't be ruled by violence about it either.

- she took the helmet off and was so obviously drained from all this that she just went back to central, sat down, she was shaking terribly. I noticed all her bandages were getting seeped with blood and I panicked inside, I was so scared for her, I loved her, but there was this horrendous ice wall in my chest and it was trying to numb me out. I "detached" it from my psyche and sure enough it "personified" into one of the tar-girls, that hellish peach girl who is the WORST hacker, but who only recently got a face. laurie saw her and her eyes turned to ire and she stood up and just berated this hacker, to the point where they actually started "glitching out" from fear instability, but then infinitii showed up in monster-mode and basically crushed them to white dust. seconds later though infi melted back to normal and was so obviously distraught, ze just held out her arms and laurie actually ran to hir, fell to her knees and embraced hir, and the two of them just cried.

- infi put an arm out to me and gave me a look, so I went over to them too. I know I needed it, for catharsis. but the pain from the two of them, and in me, was unbearable. laurie was weeping and that feels like a gold sword driven straight through my chest, it's the worst pain but it drives me to such tears, I started sobbing too and for a moment she stopped and looked at me with the most empathetic shock, then put an arm around my shoulders and brought me closer in to the group.

- knife was around here, lynne and jo were too but they were standing off by the windows. knife was in tears and he was so upset about laurie bleeding, he wanted to heal her but he was trembling and crying and laurie turned and hugged him too, trying to comfort him a little (by this point she wasn't such a wreck outwardly). I remember her saying "I love you, man" and he just hugged her tighter.

- infi's probably going to end up sharing the bed with cz and I tonight and I do not mind. ze needs the comfort that cz radiates and frankly I'd feel awful not giving them comfort and company after what happened this evening.

- aspects. of people. forgot to mention this. it's not "alters have alters," it's more like… the only comparison I can think of is how in hinduism, gods have many "forms?" like how shiva has so many different iterations, but they are all the same deity. well a similar thing can happen to more complex headvoices, who have roles that are nevertheless very specific, vitally so. like laurie and i. yes splintering happens but that's different-- that's when something damages our anchor and needs to break off before it breaks us? an "aspect" is different. the example I want to give is how I have these well-known subtle visual differences, that alter my entire personal vibe and attitude. like my "snowflake" form has a totally different way of behaving and seeing the world than my "confetti" one, or my "prism" one. laurie seems to have at least three "forms" too? maybe? even if they're just now developing. that storm-space destroyer form, and then her two common ones-- the "fierce protector" one that she started out as, and then the softer more chill one that she's usually in now. again, always her, no matter what. but her ENTIRE vibe shifts totally from one state to another. now I bring this up because, for me, being a core, I can indeed get tangled up in residual memories from other past cores, etc. and with personal interactions this can get very confusing. long story short I've realized that in order to function properly around different people inside, I CANNOT stay in the same form, it's just not working. hence all the dissociation I've been getting inside. but yes, apparently my MOST stable form right now in an emotional sense is OLDER, like legit older than the body, I feel like… closer to 40, like that. but it's such a beautiful vibe, it's a solid feeling, but with a lighter feather edge than I have younger; younger forms are all bright and pastel soft… this older form is like brushed silver. it's so lovely to be. and that's the form that allows me to function WITHOUT dysphoria or misattributed memories or fear, around cz. so yeah. that's significant. around infinitii I'm basically a white-feathered semi-anthropomorphized version of proginoskes. dead serious. I'm just all eyes and wings, with mouths on my back mostly, and starry black blood, and a tendency to be serpentine instead of having legs. so you get the idea. this feels like my "white energy" version of jewel's "link shifts," where she could literally join ANY world she entered, so to speak, she could adjust almost effortlessly to who she "would have to be to BE there." I can't do that, but she can't do this? yeah we both have morphs (cherubell, infinite, etc.) but that's a whole different thing too. geez I need to add all this to our glossary soon.

- speaking of infinite forms, "infinite" is allegedly the name of infi's face-mouth form? and "eternos" is the name of hir white/pink form. again, shifting. this explains a lot with cz too, I think. except HIS issue is that when he first anchored to headspace, I think his anchor SPLINTERED OFF and that aqua-hue, mouth-fulla-teeth, sleek and snarky self of his is a SEPARATE PERSON than the "canon base" guy I spend all MY time with. the previous jewels knew the aqua one. and yes they ARE confirmed separate people, physically so; it's just a very unusual situation because he's just naturally chaotic as far as this is concerned, pun obviously intended. but I love him, all of him. I might not know his other "selves" yet, but like I said, a lot of people in here do, so might just have to step into some data records and feel that stuff, get acquainted with the past that way.


- all right now one of infi's fave songs came up on spotify ("all of me" by john legend, actually) and I'm tired and we should really get some sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@7:46 AM


some notes about yesterday-- i forgot them last night but it's early so i need to at least list them somewhere:

 

ADD TO ENTRY=

 

- spyro 2! found the cd. play it and write about how it affects us; location-wise i never realized how hugely influential it was on both headspace and the leagueworlds
- sylvain fronting in kmart briefly, looking for minty's care bears, triggered someone "fitting for the context" (a child). surprisingly solid when he blinked in, peaceful mind
- btw where are our jewel monster fronters, make sure nothing messes with THEIR minds
- chocoloco lately, esp. with the spikes-- he's now growing them to "give" to people to eat instead of breaking less expendable parts of himself off (which he used to). his blood is molten??? got a glimpse of his insides, reminded me of dragonheart in that it glowed, orangey red. seemed liquidish. really unusual.
- did anyone talk about nexus??? laurie's really disturbed by hir existence; they don't talk to us much but when they do it's highly upsetting.
- is triad still alive? or was ze a misinterpretation of a splinter or something?
- "brown haired" angry fronter? NOT overload? long hair. showing up more often now, flipping off the mother, her anchor is way too brunt and huge, who is she really
- wtf happened to overload btw did they fuse? is she hiding?
- spice, esp. the kissing thing (to stop people from dissociating and buying/eating tar food), it WORKS. also forging an amusing but really sweet closeness between her and all the main fronters who are open to that.
- also it's her birthday today HAPPY BIRTHDAY eat something nice for her
- conflict with me not being out, I think I mentioned, but there is SO much time loss it's scary
- manic singers in cars. genesis is irate, stopping them.
- ruby doesn't count as a manic i dont think? when she sings it's always alone. it's fun and energetic and can SEEM manic because of the childish exuberance of it, but the key of manics is that they are OUTSIDE-ORIENTED and full of almost violent nervous energy. not so with ruby. so that's a relief, that's good.
- yes zwei is still alive! she's mostly moved into heartspace but she can still front/sing and she isn't negative.
- horrible peachy-colored hacker, long hair. behavior is atrocious, disgusting mindsets. but she has ROCK SOLID BODY ROOTS and that is both hideously nauesating and existentially terrifying. is she that old???????
- she is NOT the same as the lime-haired one from that horrible horrible xanga last week. the two are both twisted as hell but at least the limey one feels vaguely redeemable (her motivations are severely distorted). the fleshtone one does NOT.
- btw WHATS WITH THE LONG HAIR? why do most of the hackers look the SAME, like the body did when it was about 16-17???? does that have anything to do with the "jacob years???" i.e. late high school, the job/relationship puppet time period. I feel so bad that kid got unintentionally tied to such nonsense but check the time period data regardless. photos DO seem to match up and that DOES make me want to vomit until i cry but that's stress dude. it's awfully distressing.
- in a notable exception, jezebel likes the short hair, and her earrings, which the mother now has. but she's terrifying still, her hold on the body is WAY too potent, can we change that?

- an hour with infi last night. intimate-context cardiophagy. dear heaven. please write about that.
- that only works with infi btw. soul form problem?? can't reach one with hir, possibly because ze is made OF that stuff essentially?? so the resonance kind of internalizes, can get huge without causing physical mutations in that specific respect? like it's too broad, too massive, the orderly "soul form" phenomenon doesn't happen with infi because it's resonating like a bell in a church hall, not a little one you're holding in your hand. space-wise. does that make sense?
- weird merge drive shift too. not sure how to put that into words, or if someone already has. unique, blood-based??? possibly due to the literal "this person is part of my soul" thing. but very interesting. can be dangerous though, if looked at wrong. unsurprisingly
- xenophon, how in the world is she almost 5. she feels like she's getting older, it's doing weird things to my heart. still calls me "dad," calls cz her "father," is that accurate?? see if you can talk to the aqua cz, get a name. see if perfect is still separate in any way; normal cz shifted INTO him lately out of despair remember
- ^ memory issues, time gaps, still thinking 2012 was "last year," dishonored autumn sticking out as its entire own time period (gorgeous btw, READ DUNE AGAIN). seriously the entire october-december time period last year is a time-bubble of its own. anaesthesia shook us up i think. maybe hormones shifting the body awareness irreversibly too. who knows. anyway that's a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC so sit down and look at what data we have accessible inside, then READ what we wrote to fill in the inevitable gaps.
- also kind of shocked but amazed because apparently xenophon is legit a jewel monster, or is at least "becoming one" as it were; she's showing a LOT of indisputable signs. still no confirmed locked-in power jewels yet but it feels like they're developing strongly. it'll happen.
- mr sandman being SO clear when he talks to me, the hand-face thing, all the little lines in his hands, profoundly comforting
- remember laurie crying because of how I described "hacks," the term refers to the fact that they're basically mental/emotional/spiritual rape, shoved into the physical, through manipulation and lies and outright forcing. it's entirely nonconsensual but they HIDE. like a computer hacker.
- laurie realizing that her heartbroken states can split right through my glacier walls and she is using that to her full advantage. she kissed me for like… 15 seconds last night. all at once. it was numinous


btw

work a bit more on the akuna art trade please, dont be paranoid or perfectionistic, just do your best.

read those library books they go back monday. especially a wind in the door again because of personal relevance.

check the psych ward sites, we need to decide on dc or maryland for monday?

DRAW. just in general. heal the artists.
you have a fair amount of empty sketchbooks, USE THEM.
also, we NEED to start that webcomic, no matter how shoddy it may feel at first. we can do it.