the spectrum heart cathedral system

happy entry today, LET'S TRY!!!


I want to catch up on webcomics.
we're marathonning the following:
el indon (which we adore so far; the art style is gorgeous, the characters are great, the story is very intriguing. also LOOK AT THIS PAGE!)
neokosmos (love the art style, very piqued by this story as well)
demon street (third time restarting our read. art style is wonderfully unique.)
snarlbear (we've been reading it spottily as the art is awesome and the designs are awesome and we want to know the story now!)

paranatural had a double update today and it was SO. GOOD.
not only am I super-excited that JOHNNY IS SEEING SHADES NOW AND ALSO HE'S POSSESSED BY FORGE AND HE IS SUCH A GREAT CHARACTER I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT, but also MISTER SPENDER BACKSTORY HINTS AND LUCIFER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and agh it's all so great. SO GREAT.
johnny, max, and mr. spender are my FAVORITE characters so I'm just generally so excited about this.
but the update, lucifer just lays down the law on mr. spender, but at the end he says "that's your problem" and then stops and says "…prove me wrong" and THAT, THAT PANEL,
good lord.
just in general that whole page hit hard, personally. like a lot. which is weird because I don't even relate to most of it.
I think it's just… the laying-out of faults.

"you swear to keep blood off your hands and good in your heart" BUT then you mess up. you let a petty grudge keep you from aid and an old ally. you enshrine shallow reason. you ignore warnings and consequences.
"you're SCARED, you cling to SAFE SOLUTIONS, knock on locked doors you should be KICKING DOWN!"
"your emotions don’t DISTRACT you. they RULE you, pull you EVERY DIRECTION but FORWARD."
"you're the same trembling, terrified boy [as you were] thirteen years ago, THAT'S your PROBLEM!!"

…wow, okay, I guess parts of us relate to ALL of that in some way.
"prove me wrong," he said. please. let's do that.

geez. how is all of that in US??

…

petty grudges, that bit is with the brother, some with the kids in utah, solely because of the feeling of bitter "pseudo-betrayal" in the sense of "I couldn't be the friend YOU wanted and you couldn't be the friend I wanted and I'm devastated because I don't feel I can say no or leave EVER but I'm not happy here but I still care about you but I don't want to have to sacrifice my whole life just to appease you shallowly but I feel that I HAVE TO or else I'm a bad person??"
like that EXACT feeling applies to both slc, and the current brother situation.
I don't know WHY it's not fully resolved yet, that's baffling.

shallow reason, that ties into the ignoring warnings and consequences for us-- the knowing that certain things WILL fail and cause us pain, but the "shallow reason" is in obeying someone ELSE and we 'logically' think "well THEY said it so it MUST be right and we MUST be wrong" and then we repeat the same mistakes over and over.
why. why does that even happen.

this was supposed to be a happy entry, geez. bookmark this to be discussed later.

the scared/ safe solutions/ being too timid bit applies VERY strongly to laurie's fear and jay's fear and all our hesitations in being told that doing otherwise is wrong somehow. "don’t be angry, don't be violent, don't take risks because what if you're wrong???" etc.
we need more self-confidence and courage. we need more faith in our capacity TO do good, TO do the right thing.

your emotions pull you all over the place… that's what the previous entry was about, with the damaged people, I know. they're so wracked by pain and sorrow and fear and confusion and anger, and they haven't dealt with it because it's so powerful they're afraid it'll KILL them. so, ironically, it ends up still killing them passively through ruling their life from the sidelines. you can't ignore the disease, you need to treat it so it heals. same applies to this. find wherever this emotional turmoil is really rooted, and HEAL it for heavens sakes. you DO deserve to be happy. you DO.

…that last line hit the hardest because it's literally true with this headvoice & alter system, and that's solely because those 13-year-old kids never had the chance to NOT be terrified and that's what we're all still trying to do. patiently.
god knows it's a lot of work. but we're trying. at least, when we're AROUND, we try.
we need to be around more.


OKAY GUYS THIS IS GETTING DARK AGAIN let's focus on something else for now maybe? is that bad?

yes, you're getting too manic.

but we know the solutions. can't we just hold on to that energy instead of focusing on what we lack/ where we're not, etc.?

sure, but not from such a manic standpoint. you rush into things, you always want the next moment to arrive even faster. that's not healthy. okay? we'll focus on positive things when you can say that from a state of acceptance and peace, NOT ignoring and shoving past. even if you're doing that unconsciously.

that's the problem, laurie. I don't know if she can, yet. we have alters who have it written into their code that they can't do certain things that would heal them because it would break their current unhealthy function.

then break it.

we'd love to, but then they need to be completely redefined as individuals, and some of them-- well, most of them-- don't EXIST as individuals. so when you tell them, "you can be different, you can learn patience and acceptance," they literally stop existing because they've been defined as NOT that.

shit. so are they doomed to failing then? to dying when they try to heal?

maybe. honestly I have no idea yet. I have no clue at all. some of them really are that shallow. maybe it's like ghosts for them; they need to move on, instead of sticking around,

shit. maybe. it's just tough, y'know?

what is?

facing death like that. we've gotta admit we're a little attached and that's not healthy either. part of us is afraid of not having so much of us here, and you know it.

we're not going to die out, laurie. we're just going to die to the things that are keeping us from actually living.

well tell those kids that, the ones who are preventing us from living through living dead lives. if you get what I mean.

yeah, I do.

and there's the shutdown. what the heck is that?

panicked little-boy fear. it's sylvain. he's so scared of the brother and I'm not sure why.

he's scared of the damn condemnation, kid, whether or not it's actually happening. he fears the glares and growls and things. that's terrifying to a child.

but why does he come out when that happens? it'd be safer for him to stay inside.

yeah, but he's tied to that, and headvoices with functions like that kind of exist as spotlights to healing. like he's showing up to indicate exactly what issue needs to be healed here.

…that makes sense.

yeah. but I don't know how to heal it yet, kid.




…in el indon right now, ashley just met "brother edan" and that whole bit of monastic-life feeling, that sort of devotional lifestyle… we feel so drawn to that and yet it doesn't feel like it fits? like that's confused us since CHILDHOOD. we wanted to be in the religious life since elementary school BUT we also always had this push that "our mission required being out in the world" so it was like this awful sacrifice we had to make in order to make another sacrifice??? I don't know.
like, we want to just drop everything and live a religious life. but… despite that being very difficult on one hand, it also feels like the easy way out? like we've been given things to do in the secular world and THAT feels terrifying but that still feels like we're being pushed to it. "you need to reach those people. bring a light to them."
a religious life would benefit us spectacularly, and the global whole in a passive energetic sense, sure… but… I don't know. even if I'd be perfectly happy like that, I think there would still be this weird creeping feeling of "I sent you out into the world" and I don't know if that's… I don't know.
I'm scared of living in the world. I really am. it's scary out here, it's tough. but… we have to be brave, and strong, and true, and bright.
we're letting our fear keep us from working lately, but… we have to. it doesn't every quite go away. neither feeling does actually. but it's… I'm sure we can navigate it correctly, if we listen sincerely, and act consciously.

…can we have both?
can we do this work AND be as spiritually intense as we want to be?
I'm getting a very warm "yes" but it's going to be INTENSE WORK I'm sure. but it's what we need.
hey, there's a goal. there's something to work towards! print that out and focus on it. we can have both. let's do it.


…we were actually just telling the brother the other day, during one of his good moods, how much we want to be one of those "odd but honorable teacher figures" that we gravitate towards all over the place. nebisai, mister sandman, people like that. gentle but strong, wise but lighthearted, stern but compassionate, patient but passionate. righteous and unyielding, but also soft and able to laugh… they walk into a room and it turns gold but it's not intimidating, it's magical-edged, and inspiring, and motivating, and even if you don't talk to them they kind of glow and they're not outspoken but when they speak they are heard and they will help the people that need them there, and when they need to leave, they do so gracefully and with gratitude and with a smile.
we want to be that more than anything else in the world.
we want to grow up to BE THAT.
god that's the future we want. we want to be a teacher. someone wholly dedicated to spiritual selfless progress and strength, someone who has completely risen above and beyond their ego. someone who loves humanity and has infinite care and patience for them but who does not tolerate pride and disrespect. but who does not hate, ever. someone who teaches those people to tune into their own light and truth and listen to their own true heart and grow brighter and better every day, that's what real teaching is, I don't want to "save" anyone, I don't agree with that sort of dragging-along feeling, I don't agree with the harsh punishments. I want people to reach a point in themselves where they can see their own unwise behavior as unwise, as something to let go of and apologize for and make up for and move on from… I want to inspire, I want to help people brighten, THAT'S what I want to be.

we need to treat ourselves that way first. we can do it. that's our future.

biggest obstacle? taking care of the hurt ones.
I wanted to say "rooting out the selfish instincts" but really, when you look at those knee-jerk reactions, they're all hurt children looking for love. hurt kids who are so tired of self-sacrifice, wise or unwise, who just want to be cared for, who just want some feeling of rest and peace. those kids won't even give themselves permission to relax because they feel it's wrong, they feel they have to constantly sacrifice themselves, every moment and scrap of strength dedicated to enriching someone else's life, and then the moment they have a moment of free time, do they rest? no. they beat themselves up because they're currently not sacrificing and they feel it's wrong.
so they get bitter and angry, and start saying no to everything, even when they DON’T WANT TO, even when they desperately want TO help people… because in saying "yes" they just want to start sobbing again, they just want to rest, but they can't, they have to say yes forever, and no matter how much they help others it will never be enough.
that's the problem.

I wonder, if we learned to speak up for ourselves? no, that's labelled as selfish.
"I want to help you but I need time for myself" bullshit, is what the thought reaction is. help them first, THEN take time for yourself.
and we want to do that, but sometimes we're so tired, it makes us rude, and we're so sorry for that.
…I think the one solution to all this is, when we get free time, REST for heaven's sakes. stop using EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR TIME to sacrifice yourself in some way. even if it is good, you're taking it to extremes I think. take some time off, real time off, to recover.

…you know what, that's probably feeding the eating disorder. dude.
when we're immersed in that self-abuse, no one wants to be around us, so no one bothers us… we get peace, however disgusting we may feel. and when we're immersed in that self-abuse, we lose time, we completely blank out, so we DON'T EXIST for a while, which right now is the only way those hurt people know HOW to relax. see?? because if they DO exist, if they ARE conscious, they CAN'T eat, they have to BUY OTHER PEOPLE FOOD. and starve themselves, to be "good." to sacrifice.

geez. wow. this is a topic for thursday!

but it's also a topic for tomorrow. and tonight maybe.
we are trying so hard to heal this eating disorder. we've started buying green food again, THANK GOD, which was a sheer divine relief, we almost cried when we actually sat down and had a salad yesterday, because in order to eat healthy and enjoy it we have to think of ourself as DESERVING health AND enjoyment… and the prevailing mindset lately is "enjoying is a sin, you don't want to be a hedonist, do you??"

we're so haunted by the fact that we were born under the taurus sign.
our mother is a taurus, straight-up. she loves comfort and luxury and possessions and food and sensuality. she buys new clothes and jewelry and perfume and housewares all the time. she goes to plays and fancy restaurants and concerts and social gatherings. she is 100% a taurus.
and we are NONE OF THOSE THINGS!
but we feel we have to be.
and that's the scary part. we don't enjoy those things but we're afraid that feeling that way is morally wrong?????? like we're "rejecting how we were made??" (sounds just like the gender teaching, talk about forced birth roles)
so it's scary to have this extra obligation making us feel like "but we have to enjoy food" even when we don't, AND when we are terrified that enjoying anything is a sin BECAUSE it leads to hacks, to giving power to hackers who ARE obsessed with physical luxury and who want to destroy us.
so. it's a legit fear in that sense. and it's very tangled, as you can see.

we don't know what "astrological sign" we really are, if any, since there are so many of us. but when you really narrow it down to core resonances, we are absolutely not a taurus.
we were supposed to be a leo, and we DO have a very strong affinity to some of that, and over the years most of our friends (inside and out) have been leos. but it does not fit all the way, at all.
jay is allegedly a libra, which fits a LOT, and also fits our actual birth chart (libra moon and rising), so that's the one we identify with the most when asked. the problem is we don't want the vice of indecision in trying to "please everyone" that seems to curse this sign. and we DO have that tendency. which is a pain in the neck. but we just talked about that with the tired kids; for us that was HUGELY a product of upbringing, plus a natural altruistic nature, pushed too far in the wrong direction.
we need more leo courage. like genesis has. he's never afraid to say no or stand up to someone or be bold. and yeah a big part of us is afraid to "offend people" but really, we need to stop assuming the worst of ourself. we aren't trying to offend. and if we speak with understanding, being aware of how someone might be offended and avoiding that… see, we try too hard to be diplomatic I think. we're so aware of how someone could have a sore spot or angry nerve hit, and how that would severely hinder their ability to truly listen and respond in an emotionally level way, that we get hesitant and start dancing around what we actually want to say. genesis and laurie would just say it anyway, laurie would shrug and say "sorry kid but that's just how it is," genesis would say "I'm not trying to offend you but I have to be honest with you!!" etc.
we need that kind of quality integrated into our core self.
but it's so tricky. it really is a dance. you can't let your own ego get into it at all.
hence the teacher thing!!!


I'm still reading el indon and I JUST realized, I recognize the Sister Tailor!! I saw her in a thumbnail for an update of this comic on tumblr and immediately thought "whoa, she reminds me a lot of ketamau" so I bookmarked the comic immediately and I'm just reading it now, haha. funny how things work.


…you know what, we really don't give ourselves enough credit.
we aren't selfish. we want to help people. we are kind, we are forgiving, we are willing to do good…
this body does make it tricky. for whatever reason it is defined as a sinful thing, name and face both. THAT IS OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE. whole thing in caps because its that important.
I know jay was talking about it the other day, in some context. how we need to heal the body and her name FIRST, or nothing else will truly stick, because she is the one everyone else sees when we interact with the world, and if she is being defined as bad, then… then we're in trouble, really. she needs to be redefined as good,as kind and patient and honorable and caring and wise and honest and joyful and loving. jessica can be all those things too. she will be all those things. we'll give her that hope as we work on it. time!


all right, I really do want to keep reading this for now; it is very inspiring. I know I need to start creating again instead of just taking in material BUT, I've found that big problem #1 is that we don't enjoy drawing digitally but we keep forcing ourself to do so. Drawing is only enjoyable/accurate when it's on paper, and then we can do reams of it if we're in the right mindset. Now, coloring digitally, now that's fun. We've done some nice stuff that way. But it needs to be scanned in first.
Also I am admittedly not happy with our art style at all, the old one lingering from high school. It does not match us whatsoever. So I do want to focus on that for a while, on taking in bits of other's styles both to learn technique and to enhance our own work with more unique and varied characteristics. I've never actually tried to imitate ANYONE's work before, ever, save for the handful of single traced panels I did from that Pokemon comic by Toshihiro Ono, who has a fantastic style despite my not approving of their normal line of artistic work whatsoever. Nevertheless I do think I'd enjoy learning again. So I'll do that, tomorrow, if I can come out to do so!! I'll make a big note, tell the other fronters not to panic and get paralyzed at the thought of art, it's not as depressing and forced and scary as they all automatically assume. (And my learning for fun will make it easier in the long run, as it'll no longer feel forced to draw.)

Anyway. Back to reading webcomics. Have a good night everyone!

An upsetting thing I realized this morning:
We still have DID even when we're not tuned into the Spectrum.

I never really realized that we STILL SWITCH when "we're" not around.
The System-unaware socials, all those alters who exist for reasons outside... they're still alters. I NEVER realized that before, probably because we thought alters/ switching/ etc. were ONLY tied to the Spectrum... and, because we weren't aware of these non-Spectrum people until very recently, when we started watching more carefully, trying to solve the time loss, and the blackouts, and the missing information...


We found that manic-spending social we've been hunting for years.
She's the one who comes out around the brother. ALWAYS.
She's ALSO the one who tried to get us into BDSM when some stranger online wanted to be her friend but insisted she become his "master." (we were IRATE when we found out)
She's ALSO the one who tried to turn us into a furry and immerse us in that entire community and personality type when our previous best friend revealed he was one right before he left us.
So it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started drinking when the mother started touting it as "mature" instead of "boorish."
And it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started doing drugs when the brother claimed it was spiritually enlightening.

Son of a bitch.

This cursed alter has the WORST root anchor EVER.

(be careful with your language, guys, please, we're trying to weed that out of our subconscious too. that and the proud subtle-superiority the teenage socials have/had. so be careful.)

But yeah. This f*ing teenage social-- I guess she's what, 17? long hair as always-- NEVER STOPS TALKING because she's always trying to entertain the people around her. She learns exactly what they like to hear about and talk about, and then she f*ing rambles about it for HOURS.

The reason why we're currently furious is because lately, the brother has been telling us to watch this cartoon he likes, right? So this smiley-shallow alter is like "sure bro! I'll watch it!" although she's WELL AWARE that it's an ADULT CARTOON and we CANNOT WATCH THOSE.
But yeah, anyway this bitch sits down and watches the first two minutes of this show, and immediately has to x it off and dissociate absolutely because it's already dirty jokes and vulgarity and profanity and f*cking nudity.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE BROTHER TOLD US TO WATCH A SHOW LIKE THIS.
HE F*KING KNOWS WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF CONTENT.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE TRYING TO PULL?????

Is he like the mother? Where she believes that our condition is fake until she tests it to oblivion, and even then she won't accept what she sees?
...That's where we get that habit, isn't it.


In any case my main concern is GETTING RID OF THIS F*ING ALTER because she is single-handedly RUINING OUR LIFE and causing more damage than virtually anyone in this System, hackers included.
Son of a bitch. She's a carbon copy of the mother's smile-and-nod sh*t that she pulls all the time, she's nothing but a stupid airhead fool who does NOTHING BUT "PLEASE PEOPLE" WITH HER IDIOCY and in the long run all she's doing is being a stone-cold bitch. She's horrifically abusive and she doesn't even realize it because she probably doesn't even have a SENSE OF SELF.

We need to tell the therapist about her, but the response will probably be "can I talk to her" or "have you talked to her?" and with socials you typically CAN'T, except... oh hold up. Except this one is triggered dangerously easily. All you have to do is put us in a situation where we "have to please people."

Wait, did this bitch front at the job????????

I don't know. I don't know. We need to bring this up in therapy, think about it more there.




(later)



I've had it with this too.
I'm going to find a razor. (This is Wreckage.) It's a matter of honor.
Until we find a better consequence, this is the only way we can atone. This is the only retribution we have for the horror they wreak on our body.



(closing note from Jay: the spitting-fury alter who has that much rage towards people who cause harm to us-- consciously or unconsciously-- is a double edged sword; on one hand it's great that one of us can BE angry when we're in danger, but on the other hand that is toxic stuff and when it manifest outside it can cause dramatic problems. So we need to be careful. To that alter: please see if you can find a way of managing that pain/fury in a way that isn't rooted in something close to hatred. It'll only hurt you too, this way.)

(also from jay. something i've noticed.
i need to CONSCIOUSLY OVERLAY MYSELF lately or we get really badly dissociated and that means the apathetic, depressed girls show up.
we need to heal them somehow.
but until then i NEED to focus on fronting. me or whoever else is safe.
jayce is depressed too though?)
(IRIDESCENT accents???? he's been trying to overlay iridescence on himself and it's HELPING? we're all incredibly intrigued by that)

 
 

 

 

Whoever keeps fronting when we go out in public, especially when we visit the biological family, PLEASE STOP.

You are rude and mean and careless. You DO realize that the ONLY reason "your actions have no consequences" is because WE are suffering the consequences for you???

Stop it. Stop it please. You're hurting the children and we're afraid of you and some of us are VERY MAD.

I don't want you around so please go away and leave us alone.

Laurie is mad at you and Knife is mad at you and there's a few new people who seem nice and they are mad at you too!! Because you keep eating and saying bad things and hurting the body and you don't seem to care, I saw you, you don't even care that we exist, you want us dead and gone.
I saw you before, I think, a long time ago. I don't want you to come back and be mean anymore.

Go away. J and Javier are supposed to drive, not you. I'll chase you out myself if I have to, even if it's hard.


You don't have a bloody monopoly on the body, so stop treating the thing like your own personal trash dump. We literally LIVE in this thing, same as you, and you had better respect it or so help me I WILL find some way to cut your head from your shoulders without beheading the rest of us in the process.
Bottom line, whoever the heck you are, you'd better stop this fast or the consequences won't be so invisible anymore.


As you can likely tell, today the body needed to visit its biological father today. Since this was a directly social environment, where interaction was both constant and unavoidable, an unknown social fronter manned the entire trip. After several such occasions, we have verified that this is indeed the same individual every time. Unfortunately, they are neither a beneficial nor a benevolent fronter. They are lewd, proud, selfish, and apathetic to the needs of others. They are a disgrace to our System and we would be loathe to let this person front again now that we are acutely aware of how they present to the public.
Laurie, after having observed this person for an extended period of time, has also now verified that this unknown fronter does have an energy overlay. As suspected, they fit the criteria for the "manic red voice" referred to in the past, notably here. (This voice is suspected to have written this entry as well, in a less suppressed state.) However, this voice's appearance is not outwardly red, surprisingly; instead, it is that of a teenage girl with long brown hair, and brown eyes. It is unknown whether or not this voice is tied to the original body host or not. Whether or not they are, our verdict on them is clear: they are an undesirable individual and must be forbidden from all future fronting if at all possible. This may prove difficult; they are strongly anchored to social situations, so we will need to find a replacement fronter for such situations who will not be overwhelmed or otherwise rendered incapable of fronting for an extended time period in an interactive environment.

jayce isnt bad he's good with the reflection maybe he can do it?


He's been trying to, kid, it's just that the man ain't used to being IN a physical body yet. But that's a good idea, I'll work on it. --Hey, and if you don't mind my asking, who the heck are you? D'you have a name yet? A face? Anything?

no just a yellow color that's all. but i'll look for a name if that will help?


Yeah, sure, that'll help a lot. Thanks little guy. I promise you I'll keep an eye out for this witch of a social fronter from now on, she really ticked me off today. Thank God the AP was-- wait, Sherlock, you didn't mention that yet, did you? Go do that.

Sure. Up until today we always assumed that the "default" empty consciousness in the body was the Autopilot, i.e. the accumulation of programmed responses with no capacity to interact otherwise. However, our experiences today have shown hints of evidence towards the contrary-- there may be another "empty" fronter that we have been confusing with the AP all this time. This other fronter is a "numb" consciousness, incapable of holding or expressing a self-identity of its own, and only acting on orders. Laurie spoke of interacting with this voice with Javier earlier this week, and both of them also assumed it was the Autopilot. However, the major distinction seems to be that the AP operates on a pre-programmed operation list, whereas this numb fronter operates according to orders given in real-time. We will continue to be vigilant from now on, in order to more clearly distinguish the two, and gain a better idea as to how to manage their fronting times and behaviors.


Thanks man. Hey I also want to shout out to J, or Jay, however the heck he's spelling it now-- the white-haired rainbow-eyed kid, you know who I'm talking about. J, I know you're reviewing the archives trying to figure this stuff out for therapy, but for the love of sanity, have some of the data voices do it every once in a while. You are so freaking sensitive to that stuff that it is dragging you right back down INTO those old mindsets, and with how fractured your identity has been lately as well, let's just say I don't want that happening. Which is ironic, because I don't think you know what the heck you're reading, you're just acting on imitation and... man, I want to say empathy but again, I doubt you even understand what it is you're trying to imitate feeling-wise. Just... don't slip. Okay? You're so bloody sensitive I don't want you being shoved out of your own bleeding head by shadows and sharp edges. I worry about you, and I'm really worrying right about now as I haven't seen you in a couple of days, not solidly at least. Same with Infi, please tell me he's all right, I know the two of you have been going through hell lately and frankly it's scaring the everliving daylights out of me.

laurie are you okay you seem upset? that's not like you.

No, not really, I guess not. Sorry. I'm just... really freaking tired. Can we close this thing up for tonight, get our heads on straight, come back tomorrow or something? Weekends are hell and half to get through, I really just can't wait until Monday.

okay, I'll close this up. goodnight everybody.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quick update. I have internet access for a very short time this morning, and this is literally the only site I can access.
However, life has once again demonstrated its tendency to shove a mountain of new info on me in ridiculously short time periods, so here you go.

At least two "new" "alters" showed up over the past 24 hours. Both of those words are in quotations because:
1) I don't use the world 'alters" personally, as it feels incorrect, but these are NOT headvoices, and all seem to be tied to the body, and
2) A few of them have been around for a long time.

The most familiar one is the "musical one." This is the one I often refer to, amusedly, as the "punk rocker." She's hilariously loud and extroverted, always yelling and whooping and acting like life is a concert, but she's never in a bad mood. The pro: she is an amazing musician, and is the one who plays piano and actually wrote most of the stuff on my Last.fm. The con: She cannot front around other people yet. Yeah, as long as we're home alone, she can front for HOURS, but the moment someone walks in the door, boom, she is gone. She often shows up when I'm driving a car-- I, Jewel, cannot listen to music when I drive (as I melt into it and lose most of my outside comprehension), but she BLASTS it. So if the body's driving and someone is loudly singing along and laughing at the same time, it's not me. It's her.
She's one of the alters that can ONLY exist as a consciousness in the body, and seems unable to anchor upstairs? Trying to give her a name or talk to her makes her disappear immediately. So maybe interaction in general completely nullifies her presence. We'll see.
Weirdly though, she's VERY similar to whoever was the main body front during 2003-2005 or so, until I started socializing online and someone else was born. This would mean she is the ORIGINAL "spinningcannon," although that name's energy has been so mutilated over the years that it only matches the online presence of the same name-- a histrionic, flattering, hypocritical girl who is unfortunately the person who made most of our "online friends." What's bizarre though is that she can only exist ONLINE-- once relationships started moving offline (especially with Q), she suddenly began degenerating rapidly, and the first hints of "Jess" appeared.
We're getting off topic though. I need to research this voice more, as it poses as many questions as it answers.

The newest voice is far more stable, and appears to be a "solidification" of two body-states that ALWAYS push me out of fronting. The first is the "logical" state, which actually was active for my ENTIRE therapy session last week-- my only recollection of that session is someone looking at the bookcase and explaining, "that reaction made no sense." This one's the super-analyst, that will find all logical inconsistencies it can. The second state is the "professional" one-- an emotionally unruffled one that is all business and has no time for small talk or friendliness. These two voices appeared to "fuse" yesterday evening, during an event that apparently triggered them both simultaneously-- I remember hearing them both thinking in conflict, and the mental "noise" was so loud I was hiding upstairs wishing it would all just stop already. Unusually, as of this morning (when it had to discuss legal things with the body's father) this voice seems to have named itself "Mulberry Delta," and it is a very professionally-dressed woman as far as body-overlays go. It has hair in this style, but in a raspberry pink kind of like this. I know this because I mentally questioned the oddness of that sort of hair on such a stoic voice, wondering if I was perceiving it correctly, and the voice actually responded, admonishing me that it could "have whatever sort of hair it wanted to."
The problem with this voice is that it feels wrong. I'm serious. There's a very foreboding, heavy aura around it that does NOT bode well at ALL. This is almost definitely because, with THAT color, she fits into one of the "mutated slots" that I've theoretically drawn into our current Headspace map... Razor had been holding their potential since last year, but Jess' reappearance added enough extra punch for them to "lock in." Why am I so worried? Because each mutant slot has THREE parts. The third color in their unholy trinity is a reddish pink.
The other mutant trio is Cyan, Teal, and either Ice or Mint (depending on the slot lineup)... currently Kyanos and Emmett are the only ones there, but according to Nathaniel, as of last night Kyanos has de-stabilized enough to "fade away" again. Whatever that kid is anchored to, it's not stable, and Nat knows better than all of us (as he experienced this same terrible thing), if we don't fix that, Kyanos will die and possibly reset again. But we'll get to that.

Let's go back to Jess for a while, as I'm learning more about her by the day. She's the angry, narcissistic, selfish, complaining one, that we've realized is the reason why we've been a mess downstairs lately-- at least for the most part. See, she identifies with the body, and therefore the body's name. So when people call "her" name... she comes out, angry and scathing and hate-filled. She's chronically pessimistic and doesn't want to do anything but argue when she's out... because, as you may remember, we've discovered that she and Razor are intrinsically linked.
Jess is the one that screams when she gets through. She screams whenever she doesn't get what she wants, like a demon child throwing a tantrum... and often, "what she wants" is for none of us upstairs to exist. Jess whines and complains and insults and shouts, but she never cries. That's the main difference between her and the old Jessica... the old one cried and hated herself, whereas this new one shouts and hates everyone else. This new Jess is "happy" as long as the world idolizes her, doing only what she wants, never criticizing or correcting her, and not talking to her unless she says they're allowed to speak. She's a princess in an evil kingdom, and the moment you question her corrupted rule, she will spit her undying hatred at you with a voice like a raid siren, and if you persist, well, then she'll turn and leave... and immediately there will be a knife in your back.
That's Razor. I cannot think of a single instance where this new Jess has appeared without Razor following in close pursuit, and that's a problem, considering how often Jess is showing up nowadays.
Razor is maniacally energetic, and never stops grinning. Problem is, she exists solely to kill us. She was born in the first ever incident when I tried to cause the body hate-fueled pain, and suddenly my consciousness shattered and someone else was there, giggling madly and watching the blood run down, holding a razor in its hand. Then suddenly everyone was upstairs, and there she was, this red-haired insane thing, holding her namesake weapon and running at me with it. Laurie and her fought while I shook uncontrollably somewhere, barely aware of what was happening, only knowing that something important just broke, something vital was just cracked in half. An eternity later, Laurie emerged victorious, her axe the color of that thing's eyes, and I don't remember the next several years.
Razor was nothing but a fever dream until last February. Since then, she's been a living nightmare. Now, that nightmare is overtaking my waking hours, and I'm desperate to wake up. I try to remind myself that she's not me, I'm not her, and that helps a little... but it doesn't do much to alleviate the horror that hits me when I'm suddenly standing in a locked bathroom, looking down at lines of blood searing across our skin.
This needs to stop. I'm just not sure how to do that yet.
There's a bit of hope though. Since both Jess and Razor seem to be strangely anchored to "home situations"-- they are very easily triggered here, but not when we're outside, and when we stayed with my dad for that while in 2010, they gained strength with every extra day we were there-- we MIGHT be able to stay upstairs in my dad's rented place for a while, and see if that helps. And hey, even if that doesn't work, our dad almost never uses the body's name to refer to us. That alone should be an advantage for us.
I'll have to talk it over with the system, and work things out downstairs in terms of what to bring with me-- since I've lost most of my possessions, I thankfully can literally live out of a suitcase right now. Maybe by this weekend we'll have a solid decision. Now we just need a job, so we can buy safe food... but we're working on that, too. Positive thoughts, gentlemen.

While we're on this topic, there are a few other "voices" that I know DO exist, as they've been triggered enough times in the past for me to be aware of their specific existences, but their appearances are rare enough that I can't really get a grip on what, let alone who, they are.
All of them are disturbingly hard to disengage once they are fronting, meaning that I am always relegated to an outside observer, often to my absolute protest, until they either become overloaded and "short out," or someone upstairs has enough power to literally punch through their front (usually Laurie).
They are:

1) A young male child, who is terrified of touch and anything connected to intimacy or closeness. He's been previously triggered by: physical contact, certain vocal tones (hissing the "s," clicking tongues, any stereotypically "girly" speech pattern), phrases such as "hug me," "come to bed," etc., especially if they insinuate involvement with another person, certain kinds of lingerie, and (oddly) women's dress shoes. He stutters uncontrollably, cries openly in an unusual high-pitched way, whimpers a lot, and will try to run away immediately upon being triggered: if he can't, he'll start sobbing hysterically. This is the voice Kyanos seemed to somehow anchor to (possibly due to slot conflict, IF these voices are behaving as such), which I will elaborate on later.
2) A young adult male, who is only triggered by either the previous voice's methods failing, OR by being suddenly trapped in a situation where he needs to be close to another individual. He is emotionally dead and will do whatever he is told to do without protest, but if he is put through too much pain he will often cry silently, although he will avert his eyes and attempt to muffle his own voice in the process. Despite this he is unnervingly hard to remove from fronting.
3) A female voice who fronts almost every time we need to interact with people downstairs. She feels strongly like a physical remnant of "spinningcannon" though, and may well be so, especially since this voice can EASILY switch right over to Jess, often within a split second. In contrast to Jess, though, this voice seems to run almost ENTIRELY on "pre-programmed" phrases and actions, and she is very histrionic. The biggest problem with her is that, since she's basically automated, if you try and get her to act or speak in any way that requires "individuality," such as asking "what are your hobbies" or telling her to buy something she wants, she will immediately disappear and-- if no one else steps up to the plate-- send the body into a frozen "standby" mode. If forced to continue, she WILL weasel her way out of whatever situation she is stuck in-- this is why "I" often seem to make appointments and cancel them later; she loves to act like the perfect person, as long as she doesn't have to commit to anything. When she is asked to, she shuts off/down, and either of the Jess's come out instead. This voice the one that gets caught in most of our photos, many of which (ironically) Jess has actually destroyed.
4) POSSIBLY the old "Jessica?" You know, the whiny, self-pitying, chronically depressed one. A voice like this HAS come out, a rare few times, but those times matched the old Jessica's vibe so strongly that I'm beginning to suspect she's either re-forming, or her old energy went to someone else. We're trying to stomp this one out before it grabs any sort of anchor though.
5) POSSIBLY some sort of red-haired version of me that ONLY appears in situations of extreme body dysphoria? This happened three times last week and Laurie and I were both freaking out. We're worried that maybe this is remnant negative energy from the Red slot I left expressing itself, but we have no real idea yet. We're not that concerned about this one though, since there's so much dissociation going on normally that we're rarely even aware of the body-- and when we are, voice #1 or #2 are often the ones coming out instead, before sending the body into a catatonic sort of shock until someone jolts a real fronter in.
6) Three other males that are triggered by "overloading" on sociability or extroversion (I call them the gent, the maverick, and the queen, respectively). "The Gent" has a sort of British accent and comes out the most frequently; he is mostly composed, but perpetually amused, and he "loves adventure." As of late he's shown signs of developing a sense of self, and was even trying to name himself the other day. He walks in a very stately manner, hands crossed at the wrist behind his back. "The Maverick" has a raspier voice, and is a "motivator" more than anything-- the few times he's come out, he's expressed impatience with mundane schedules and his want to "experience the world for all it's worth." Despite this he has a level demeanor as well. He also likes to sing, which I find endearing. He walks with a relaxed slouch, thumbs looped through either belt loops or pocket corners. "The Queen" is flamboyantly gay and speaks with a lisp; oddly though he can only come out in speech, typically to express his approval or disapproval of something that has just happened downstairs. When he tries to move the body in any major way, though (walking, etc.), he immediately "fades out," often being taken over for by the Gent. All of these voices seem to be aware of each others presence, and have even tried to converse through successive fronting in the past (which REALLY played havoc with my head afterwards). None of them appear to be attached to any trauma or negativity either, and so they may just be a result of my mind compartmentalizing those more "stressful" positive emotions so that I am not overloaded or burnt out by them-- simply talking is enough to overwhelm me at times, so encountering such wild emotional states upon fronting would be far too much for me to handle. Also importantly, NONE of these voices can appear around other people, in stark contrast to the previous three, who can ONLY appear around other people. I'm not sure why this is. One last note is that these voices seem to be bleeding into each other in terms of energy signatures, so they may all eventually collapse, or fuse, who knows. I'll let you know.


That's enough of that though. Let's get back to Kyanos, as I'm running out of both battery and Internet time and I need to mention him.
Here's a recap: he was created THROUGH the death of another voice, the placeholder that took over for me immediately after the Scratch. To quote myself, "The body clearly recalls it sacrificing itself in a surge of tragic joy to "create a boy from the blue of the sky." That boy promptly became the running consciousness in the body, and later took the name "Kyanos." However he must not have anchored well, for although he WAS "me" (what a silly word) for at least two or three hours, outside shadows somehow managed to chase him out."
The memory banks have a recollection of the insane mental jumble he was going through right before his consciousness "dissipated," and to my shock and anger, it was filled with those weird "outside voices" that often taunt me downstairs. I don't know if those are literally outside voices-- like spirits or demons-- or if they're part of the Tar, but I do know that their sole purpose is to throw me off track with awful taunts and false promises ("shut up you faggot," "you're only a good boy if you don't eat," "who cares, you're already a slut," etc.) and they are so good at faking good intentions that if I don't get Laurie to help me, I can easily be misled. But yeah, the second Laurie shows up, they run... probably because she loathes them and they pissed her off enough in the past to feel the taste of her axe before.
Anyway, the reason I'm worried about Kyanos is because he's mirroring Nat's past, practically. Both of their initial incarnations were positive and naive, and they both only began forming a "self" minutes before they died for the first time. Both of their second incarnations were unstable, but I'm worried because Nat was KILLED almost exactly a month after he was reborn. Kyanos has been with us in this new form since the 23rd (10 days), BUT he seemed to be re-forming on the 13th, and was between his original mindset AND his tentative new one at the time.
About Kyanos's "new mindset," though... to quote our system update from that event, "his behavior is very distressing: he stutters, cries a lot, and is constantly claiming that he misses his "mom and dad" and that he "wants them to be happy." Despite this he is terrified of being touched, and even the suggestion of such from a downstairs family member ("can I hug you?") can be traumatic enough for him that he will burst into tears and try to run. We have no idea what has caused any of this yet."
That mindset has showed up SINCE then, UNCONNECTED TO HIM. I actually spoke to Kyanos himself the other day (I forget the date; my temporal comprehension is shot), and not only did he look completely different than he did upon manifesting, his demeanor was completely different-- he was calm, but expressed confusion at why he was acting like that in response to certain triggers. I tried to explain, the best I could, that he was in no danger, but those "triggers" might be tied to unconscious reactions from the past. I also explained the parental situation to him-- unfortunately he did not have biological parents, but the body did, if he wanted to associate with them. Oddly, he kept shaking his head though, claiming he was very confused, and that he couldn't tell how he felt about any of it. That was an immediate warning sign for me, so I'm actually not surprised (although I am upset) that, last night, Nathaniel did inform us that Kyanos had "de-manifested." I can't find his energy upstairs anywhere, when I look... BUT, something really weird happened last night that I'm going to use as a segue into our final topic.
See, during his first few hours of life, the reason I knew Kyanos's name was just that is because he WROTE it on a piece of scrap paper. I still have it, as it's utterly bizarre to look at.
I don't know what to think now, though, because last night he ghostwrote HALF A PAGE.

Let me start by saying that I probably jumpstarted this entire "writing" phenomenon for bodiless voices back in early April, back when adflixerunt was still a thing-- it quickly became a place for both Jess and Razor to scream in lurid pink letters. However, on this particular day, some sugar-induced voice came through in the body, and I was lucid enough to force her to pick up a pencil. After all, I had just started therapy, and this rarely happened, so why not get proof of it?
Whoever the voice was, they weren't happy with it. In jagged pencil letters over two pages, they scrawled several brutal phrases, after which I came back exhausted and scared, but sickly thankful that I had managed to succeed in my plan to record the event.
That was it, at least until two days ago, when Razor came out and cut those gashes into us. Possibly in spite, she picked up the journal I had just chosen for headspace conversations, and in blood she wrote "DIE" three times over the first two pages. Needless to say that scared the hell out of me when I saw it.
Yesterday, however, topped even that.
I have no memory of most of the day, thanks to all the splinter/ alter/ voice/ whatever action going on... but my memory picks up sitting at my computer table, a pen in my hand and a tablet open on the table in front of me, looking down at a furious sentence in purple ink at the top of the page: "KID, WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE."

I'll talk more about that later, though. My online time is up, and I literally have to log off right now.