the spectrum heart cathedral system

rough phone notes for today because our schedule is a disaster and this is the only way we're going to get updates in. 

dream:
Animorphs survival terror nightmare = i  was tobias? endless enclosed bleach-white metal stairs, transforming into ants, Dishonored sneak vibe with butler/president on 6th floor? trains outside? everything felt apocalyptic.
other dream: Klonoa book? red. on shelf. company talking to brothers about the game, i was doing household chores and they ignored me, no one even called me in. i was FURIOUS SOBBING, we are never that emotive in dreams, as we're never conscious-- but this was JEWEL. "don't you understand that game IS my life"
later, in a theater? some sort of "year by year major events" timeline. 1998 came up, Sonic Adventure movie mention! i was glad they mentioned it, but then there was a little eyecatch of all the main characters, and Chaos 0 made a notable cameo. i remember being so happy at how well he was drawn/portrayed, but then feeling this incredibly honest rush of joy in my heart at seeing him. like, peace set ablaze. again, we haven't felt any emotion that clear in months.

woke up at 645
SO TIRED.

SHJ Mass
Couldn't stop worrying over mom junk. afraid of how she keeps trying to get us to spend hours, if not days, up that horrific house. considering "bailing" like astra, moving out of state again. admitted this was a rash thought, but also admitted that we were just that scared.
So much fear & anxious anger. didn't want mom "shackling us to THAT life and THAT face" etc. we CANNOT EXIST AROUND HER and absolutely not in that traumacage of a house.
being around her makes us "stuck in past", destroys sense of self
kept begging God to help us let go and forgive
praying "Jesus YOU take care of it" but couldn't let go of the terror. why?

ran to QOTA for 8
Adoration morning until 10 exactly
SO DISSOCIATED THOUGH.
oh well. silver lining because if it was that bad we would NEVER have been able to pray it alone

CANNON TRIGGERED OUT BY THE DRAGONFRUIT WATER.
we keep forgetting that's all she drank at MU, she would never eat. just the vitamin water.
and she LEGIT FRONTED for a bit. it was surreal. she seems to be TIMELOCKED too.

Walmart stop for some household needs
Genesis & the candle aisle
SO HARD to front. kept getting shoved out by socials. utterly exhausting.

Gas station
SPINNY SELF-NAMEDROP!!!!!!!

Home for 11 or so
SOCIALLY WRECKED. Could not ground or center.

Saying our daily group prayers
MIDSPACERS SHOWED UP??????????
Got our attention because they brought Addy in
FELT THE LEVEL "SHIFT." haven't felt that in literal YEARS. "midspace" has been EMPTY SINCE 2018.
NIENNA, VEIL, MULBERRY!!!!!!!
Then JEREMIAH showed up too!!! Body started to quietly cry & shake from him; Wreckage tightly held his hand; Sugar showed up with swords to pray with him
Sharona & Julie feeling heartache at this; they're responsible for his being so traumatized
Jewel kissing hands "that strike for healing" = Knife, Razor, Julie, Laurie, Sharona. all of them profoundly moved, showed it in strikingly different ways

BTW Infi is still MIA. Feels like war in a sense. Still melting bleeding dying in that greenspace.
But remember Jay talking heart2heart w hir yesterday: "I DON’T WANT TO DIE" for the sake of that loving togetherness

Still no Celebi baby news btw. Remember it's IN THE EGG.

Finally BK prep at noon T____T

At one point Leon flat-out called himself Scalpel's boyfriend, forget context, it was a humorous self-referencing bit though

Scalpel FEELING THINGS about cutting eggs again. the "latent retributor" instinct buried in his name.
Knife inviting him to use his namesake
Said he wasn't sure.
Also saying he wouldn't bail on Phlegmoni bc they're bros

Mimic called out & admitting to global thought access; learning to roll with it & even coerce it? "Intel" he didn't have to hunt down. "Strategic." Laurie says she actually supports him in this searching out, however subtly sneaky, but with a solemn smile warned him "you just might learn something you wish you could forget."
Mim notably glanced at all her bandages then said "fair point"

Sharona VERY disturbed by & disowning name. Mother triggers corrupting her.
she was looking for alternatives online but the problem is, her name was tied to PHONETIC VIBES. the way it "feels" in our mouth is all danger. and that's HER vibe, her function. certain letters are mandatory. so she's upset.

Decided to do laundry to combat the inevitable after-eating nausea+panic
Made it worse
Allbran binge attempt stopped immediately
Still purged from sheer nerves
don't remember any of it. head is a blur and a static shred.
very quickly resolved and fixed though.

sat down at the table by the window, just tried to breathe and find headspace again. find myself.
went upstairs and tried to just start scripture study again.
mimic looked at me for a second, saw how distraught i was, neither of us said anything
and then
he just reached over and tightly squeezed my hand.
now listen
for months now the big thing with him has been personal space. "don't touch me" etc. "why are you standing so close" etc. don't invade his sphere. making me realize how much of our "instinct" behavior in that respect IS disturbing and IS programmed. but then there are honest actions, like laurie leaning on everyone's shoulders, and scalpel's beaming half-hugs, and my always wanting to grab people's hands when i'm especially distressed for some reason.
mimic has NEVER initiated ANY sort of contact. especially not like this.
it was just a second, then he went right back to his indigo-affect tone and "so are we going to finish up this chapter or what" etc. but he cared.
i mean God knows i care a lot about him, about everybody, but reciprocation is different. and yes on some late and/or catastrophic nights he's spit out that yeah fine we do matter to him, don't know why though, etc. but he's never just let it show before. always deflecting and self-deprecating and watering it down.
so. that meant worlds to me.

DN at 5pm, right on time haha
Studying Mark's parables.
shoutout to the HPB translation always, don't know why my brain loves it but it works

neighbors flooding the air with that detergent smell again. but i just thought, "man i'm glad i'm alive TO smell that." completely different response from the allergy-fear frustration earlier.
Really feeling "I was given life, so that I may enjoy all things"

Many distractions as we tried to clean up
Mom text, chopsticks, color psychology, catholicism inevitably
laundry messed up schedule & got us all confused

Julie talking to Adelaide

joking about the pillowcases
julie ALSO helping with laundry. don't know why the spectrumind keeps pushing her out to help but man, she DOES. thank God for her.

forget what happened as i was trying to brush the body's teeth. talking upstairs. but then this:
Mimic comment "hey. The funny farm called. Your rent is overdue."
Laurie "hey man that's high praise, you could've said we owed em a mortgage"
Mimic "yeah, I could have... but that's what you owe the loony bin"

Chaos SHAMELESS FLIRTING WTF DUDE it's been years

continuing the 2012 archiving. determined to get this nightmare of a year done so we can get into the paradoxical heaven of 2013. that's when people started to wake up remember

btw xenophon being an angel today. felt like i didn't see her as much as usual, but her presence stands out as sweeter than usual nevertheless. she kept me hopeful and smiling despite everything.

Massive migraine all day today, so bad we were too nauseous to eat and kept throwing up although all we were eating was healthy stuff today.
It's obviously stress. When we have a really bad day like yesterday, it takes at least three days to properly heal. Today doesn't count towards that total unfortunately. But we tried, God knows we always try.

But... today wasn't all that bad actually.

We didn't go to work because 1) dad said if the roads were bad don't come in, 2) we didn't fall asleep until almost 3am anyway, 3) our grandmother decided to let us sleep in even though the roads were pretty okay. So we actually got 8 hours.
We went outside and helped our grandmother clean the gutters from slush and leaves but then we had to go food shopping real quick for salad and coconut waters and these things which we can actually eat and which are really good, BUT due to our headache + fatigue + not eating much yesterday, we were not feeling well and so we got kind of scared on the road.
However. As always, when that happens our mains call for Mr. Sandman, just like when we're sick and can't sleep, and that man never lets us down. I mean, we're used to this by now, we're used to our constant personal experience of reality always bleeding over into the beyond anyway, but... he says something, it happens, he assures us something won't happen, it won't. It's checked out for years now. Of course if you try to hard, or push someone/something, it falls through but you can feel that, it has no weight or sincerity behind it, it feels hesitant and wobbly. So we're learning.
On that note, for the most part, we don't hear the bad floating voices anymore. THANK GOD. I don't know when exactly that stopped but I don't miss them and I refuse to give them any more attention.
But yeah. We started having a legitimate panic attack on the road and in the store but MULBERRY fronted for a bit to carry us through, she doesn't panic so she got us to calm down enough. When we were in the store and she couldn't quite come out we just rubbed our temples and breathed, it helped. But we're learning to manage everything better.

We got home and... I don't remember. I know we ate at some point, but... oh, we made a big lettuce/ spinach/ cucumber/ hempseed salad thing and that's what we were eating today (GOOD) but we were so dissociated from pain/nausea and the house had a lot of noise so we couldn't ground properly enough for Emmett to eat.
Anyway. No idea what really happened there.

I do remember one of the main-social "girls" (close to the Jewel bloodline? from when it started to split i think) because she kept trying to eat raisins (which make us sick) and didn't understand that it did make us sick because she had no data and was just compulsively eating anyway? But yeah, Genesis ghosted and kept yelling at her to stop but she wouldn't (too dazed) so he actually reached out and tried to take the food off her and put it down and it WORKED. Like... that isn't the first time that's happened either, where ghosters can physically affect fronters on a semi-tangible level. It's so hard to put into words. But it worked instantly and the shock of it made that certain social really pause and reconsider what ze was doing, so.
Either way, just the reality of having that happen gave us a lot of hope. It... put a lot more genuine weight into our existence's reflection on the daily life, so to speak. That's a tangled sentence. It reminded us of the fact that we're real and we have an effect on the world and each other and we need to stop doubting. That sort of thing.
We are resonating better lately, a lot.


The evening was rough but I refuse to give it any more attention because we're ALL trying this new method in the face of previous method failure, and it ties directly into our favorite quote of the moment:
"remember that every fire will burn itself out, even without your help."
Like Celebi says, don't water the bad seeds!
So maybe we can get Vixie on this one. Don't feed the bad flames. Let them burn out. Don't give them fuel, and eventually they'll just exhaust themselves.
That's been proven true, actually. So that's solid hope, and determination. We can do it.

Learn from mistakes, dust yourself off, get up and keep walking. Laurie's leading the way. She's so sick of this pain, she can't deal with it, she's learned that she can't fight this the way she used to, it doesn't work... but this is, so far, and so she's 100% willing to be the soldier in the front of the line, keeping everyone moving forwards, finally back in battle the right way, protecting and forging a path both. A knight in shining armor.



So now Jewel's chilling on Soundcloud and typing about Dream World and Nogaisa stuff (which is AWESOME) so we're coping.

Jigaria fronted for a while today on the highway home?? Which was interesting. She's the one of the Dream Guardians that feels the most distant for whatever reason, so having her click in practically was hugely helpful. Jewel should be able to properly write for her now that we know what her vibe honestly feels like.

The headache is settling down so we'll probably have work tomorrow and the sad thing is that although we love our job, we're so tired that we're hoping for a day off solely to sleep. We didn't have that luxury today as we woke up to shouting and stress, being yanked out of sleep, so that didn't help our head either. But the bottom line is we need rest, so we'll try to get to bed at 11pm today.

We saw 11:11 at least four times today and that always feels like a hug of faith from the universe so we're lifting our head to the sun and smiling as we march on now. It's very... reassuring? Motivating? It's like a "you're doing good, kid, keep it up" sort of statement, both uplifting and warning at once? But totally a good thing.

Vigilance. That's one of Laurie's favorite words. Always be vigilant. Don't ever let the lanterns go out. Keep shining, keep walking.

 

 

 

Last night we had an interesting dream.
Most of it was in the evening (autumn sort; gets dark but not “nighttime” dark), in somewhat foggy/rainy weather, all overcast. The mother was trying to forcibly send us to a mental hospital? She was being very mean. I clearly remember her dragging us over this very wet grass, all little hills, with what looked like a labyrinthine hedge maze immediately to our right. I was sobbing and told her to let go, I didn't want to be dragged and I didn't like being touched by that, but I was so distraught that when she wouldn't comply I actually pulled her grip off my arm and, stumbling hard, started to run away as fast as I could. She didn't follow-- I dont know if she was shocked or just didnt care what I did-- but I was still hiccuping with tears and trying to escape. Unfortunately I was very disoriented and weak, and the hilly wet terrain was too difficult to navigate like that, so I ended up falling to my knees and half-crawling. We crawled like this over the wet ground until we reached the nearest building, which was to our left and half-hidden by hedges, but across from it was the mental hospital? We didn't know if we should go near it, but we knew the mother was after us and we needed to get away from there in general so for some reason we called CELEBI, to send us “through time” or something to when the mother left?? But she SHOWED UP. Do you have any idea how IMPORTANT that is, to call someone in a dream—especially a stressful one—and have them ACTUALLY be able to appear? So that's really notable.
Anyhow, she did 'move us through time,' but it must have been timelines instead, because what happened was we got a really funky feeling in our head, and the entire world around us shifted to look differently. The hospital became an entirely different building, and I was going to run in there when I had the strong impression that the mother had "caught up to us" in the "time" we had just left? And our body was still anchored there so she might find us? I don't know, but I had to "go back" and felt my mind kind of "fall back into" that original place, the scenery switching again, and indeed I saw the mother run up from the hedges to the right (which were still there) and start furiously banging on the front doors of the hospital. I don't know if she was answered or not, but I turned around and started to sneak away.
However, I think Cel told me to "go inside" instead? It was starting to storm heavily now, with thunder rumbling all around us, and apparently the building we were leaning against was safe, or at least, a good place to hide for now. The entire side I was at was all flat and brown, with one very unmarked door hidden in it. So I went in.
Surprisingly, inside, it looked like the String Shop! Now, that shop—our childhood home, basically— is now a super nice bakery IRL. This dream was the first time we’ve dreamed of it AS that, after only having been there twice! But it was lovely. It looked slightly different, being set up more like a restaurant, with a bit more floor space, but otherwise it was very similar. It was packed with people ordering dinner, though (mostly tomato-based stuff I recall).
I went up to the pastry cases and Celebi showed up to float alongside me again. We were wondering what to order and she suggested we get exactly three rum truffles (all that was left) and one whipped-cream fudge cake. So we did.
Around this time I think the mother stormed in from outside-- where it was now fully storming, so heavy rain and lightning was visible through the door-- yelling about something? But we were worried that she "found us," so we turned and ran down the hall.
This part gets blurry as I woke up soon, but we ended up looking through what looked like a store CD rack back there, which instead showed Youtube videos? The "layout" of it in my head felt like pixiv though, which was fitting, as most of the work was Japanese. Anyhow, the vids we ended up watching were "transformation sequences" for an OC work of someone, that was incredibly similar to LG*Girls (the kids would transform with animal partners). What was cool was that the transformations were split-screen until fusion occurred, which I liked as an idea. The art was gorgeous, as was the music, and I recall tearing up and saying to myself, "this is exactly what I wanted it (LG*Girls) to be." I watched three vids-- I recall one was with a rabbit-- and was completely happy to "let this person use this idea instead of me," as they were doing such a beautiful job. Right around there someone came up to me and interrupted me, and I think it was the brother? Because I remember getting brought back into the main area and I think my mom & brothers were having dinner? It was still storming outside, loudly, and the atmosphere felt more like a disaster shelter than a restaurant now, too dark and anxious. Either way they were there, and I think they were demanding I sit down and eat while the mother lectured me or something (she was still livid), but thankfully the restaurant was still busy enough that Celebi and I were able to hurriedly sneak out the front door. The instant I did I told Celebi I needed to "warp space" "like (she) did before"? As I had noticed it wasn't an actual time switch. But I just wanted to get away from there before the mother came outside and got me. Cel attempted something, and I honestly think that's when I woke up.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@9:20 PM


1020

- at work: waldorf and Javier sitting on the floor in headspace, popping bubble wrap. Just because. Got almost everyone in central to join in.
- laurie, waldorf, and Javier went deep underground to try and find/fight the tar??? And they found it and it started screaming at them and I realized, oh, all that ‘niceness’ in it back when “i” met it in 2011 or so went into Infinitii. All that’s left of the tar now is SHEER HATRED. It’s awfully sticky and thick like melted plastic or taffy and it’s really horrifying. It’s all teeth, mangled and incoherent, there is NO grace of structure like infi—even when ze’s a big monstrosity of fangs and eyes, there’s a fluidity to it. Not so with the tar.
- one of us asked it if it was like it was then, in 2011 or so—when it essentially said “I am what you are not, as a mirror/foil” (again, now infi’s job; talk about a revelation) and it screeched that no, it was not so ‘indirectly benevolent.’ Now it said it knew that we were what it was not, and that it was what we were not, and as a result it HATED us and said “only one of us can exist” therefore it wanted us dead.
- waldorf pulverized it. It jumped at Javier and she just WHACKED it with her hammer, the impact was stunning actually; everyone’s so used to blades that when someone comes in with blunt force, whoa.
- Javier can turn his trident into a lance. Used it as a gold weapon and threw it into the tar; burned through it and left a smoking hole that it could not heal, was melting around it. Laurie took that as a chance to cleave the whole thing in half
- lots of yellow tape at work today (had to prep a door for caulking) so Josephina showed up and stuck around, which was nice. I miss him a lot.
- mulberry fronted while driving and according to her overlay she has stubble. Yes as in facial hair. This is not surprising actually as she is genderqueer. Gonna have to use ze/hir pronouns for hir from now on (she says she doesn’t mind but appreciates the thought)
- she and sherlock are still total bffs, also yes mulberry does have glasses too when she wants
- eating disorder resurgence today? someone ate sugar to the point where the body was actually so heavily nauseous we couldn’t help vomiting and then we couldn’t stop. so that was rather frightening.
- also resurgence of the religion/sexuality nightmare topic, it’s the most tangled thing up here, because it is ALSO tied to blood and hearts and such, thanks bizarre childhood. We swore we’d talk about this in therapy Thursday and that’s kind of inevitable anyway because she decided to read 1013’s entry first, which brings up the topic however slightly. God I want to vomit just thinking of discussing it; I don’t like this stuff but I can feel how mangled it is in here, how many alters hold drastically different things, how wires get crossed, how programs blind people, how fear blinds people, how dissociation makes everything worse… et cetera. And then the RELIGION comes in and just makes it all the more difficult to decipher. We really should have a xanga about this.
- briolette is unfortunately going to have to be returned; her touchpad is a NIGHTMARE and she keeps freezing and the keyboard input is iffy. Plus no lighted keys and missing a lot of buttons that scherzando had. so yeah she’s a sweet girl but it’s not going to work out
- still profoundly depressed. Aching deep down, it’s so sad.
- still sleep-depriving ourselves too, I’m too sad and frustrated by this laptop glitching nonstop to try anymore, I’m just going to go to bed.
- cel told me today she wants to come back. I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

 

I've been feeling rather existentially screwed-up lately?
I think it's because we've been letting our well-being completely fall by the wayside. For whatever reason, we just stopped caring about how we treated the body at some point? I don't know if it was post-surgery or what... but the past few months have been rougher than most, from how it feels. Memory is collapsing, health is kind of failing, and honestly we're scared.
We're trying hard to take little steps of improvement, but right now we're also fighting a monstrous wall of depression, shame, and sabotaging self-abusive habits, so those little steps are being taken uphill through a desert at this point.
Still. We won't give up.

Therapy on Monday was INCREDIBLE, from a progress standpoint. I didn't write about it here because it was literally a 40-minute infospill on everything we've been reading lately about RTS and purity/rape culture and how all that ties into our past traumas and current struggles, etc. It's complex but it's VOCABULARY that we've been trying to find for YEARS, like literally we can FINALLY talk about this stuff because there are words that fit it now, there are other people who experienced similar things and who put thoughts together in coherent ways we never would have considered.... you get the idea.
So progress IS being made. It's just tricky lately.

I'm trying to start the dream journal and diet journal again. Both help immensely with grounding and 'non-derealization,' if there's a word for that... they help us get a grip on existence, "hey I actually exist!" That sort of thing. We are uncomfortable with traditional "rituals" but it does help to have patterns. It helps to have solid reference points, threads of coherence, etc.
See I KNOW what to do. Just, right now, it is going to take IRON WILLPOWER to break past these hackers and their programming and all the nasty neglectful habits we've let develop, the same way mold grows, the same way trees rot. We need to just start taking care of ourselves better, more actively.

Doubt is slowly fading. Slowly. But it's fading. I don't know how to express how amazing that is.
Maybe it's because I'm reviewing the archives, remembering who we are/were, but... the reality of us, the honesty of us, is sinking in again. The brightnessof us. Us, seperate from the performances and presentations we cultivated online. We're remembering. I'm remembering.
We're shaking off the dust, we're really trying to.

In the meantime, the past two days have still been oddly off? I've been fasting too much and then panicking because we get sick and eating bad things. It's unhealthy, but I'm aware that it's happening. I just need to make sure we start ACTIVELY using coping methods, grounding skills, etc. We have the help we need. We just need to use it.

Today feels... sad? Like it's an interim feeling, but it's also a calm-before-the-storm feeling... rather, it's like the smell of ozone in the air, potent and buzzing, as the wind whips around you and thunder is rumbling through the mountains, but there's no rain yet. There's no rain yet, and you're running to your car, or to your house, and for a surreal nervous minute you are wrapped up in that whirlwind of almost, in that malestrom of imminence, caught in the tension where there is no time... that's what it feels like.
It's scary too, in that sense, like there's judgment looming and I'm afraid we're running out of time. In any case we ARE using our time unwisely, and I really should ask Cel to help me with that, I know she would. She always helps.
In any case, God knows we need a thunderstorm inside right now. We need the sheets of rain, we need the violet lightning...
But we're getting there. People are healing. People are remembering who they ARE, not who they've been told to be, or who they've allowed themselves to thoughtlessly become.

I've had two dreams this week with Hoopa in them and in both instances ze was directly tied to me somehow. I'm taking that as a good sign too.


So. That's all I have the spoons to type right now. I've been archiving the entire archives onto my laptop, so that's taken many many hours, and several computer crashes. My back hurts and my wrists hurt and my ankles hurt but I'm kind of laughing because God, I can feel that there's blue sky up behind those clouds, I just have to fly.

Therefore I'm just going to toss some System-related art at you because creativity is always good and I love us enough tonight to share this sort of thing.




First is the NEW/current Spectrum Star flowchart, as the last one we did was last July and is now incorrect.



I'm still not sure how correspondences work between colors (I was mapping it out earlier this year), but I'll take the time to revisit that line of thought again soon, if applicable.

Second, also in response to this entry, here's the current work in progress of Central.



I didn't get the chance to touch up the old pictures, but I will soon.
This is also poster-proportioned. So hopefully one day I can get this literally printed as one and put up on the wall in our room. Now we're REALLY unignorable, haha.


Also, you may remember that this was originally supposed to be done in this style, hence the current no-eyes look.
I was experimenting with quotes when we first started... here's the ones we tentatively chose.

 
 

Javier, Leon, and Nathaniel unfortunately don't have much actual dialogue recorded in the archives, so they aren't in those sets.


Speaking of Javier and Nathaniel, I drew these quick headshots as references for a beloved friend (you know who you are) and I don't think they were ever shared here?
  

Javier is really difficult to draw correctly; I'll have to do another picture of him because that one isn't quite correct.
Nat looks a little "buggier" than he does in that sketch (that was just for antennae purposes really). Mainly his eyes are bigger.
Waldorf looks PERFECT though, I am so happy just seeing that picture. Her hair does glow, remember, that's what I was quickly trying to portray there.



I also did three pictures of Infinitii, to show hir "mode changes" roughly.

 

 

Basically:
1) No face-mouth, all wing-mouths: safe to approach. "Feels like a church" mode. Energy is softer, but massive. Carries "creative" Black energy; risk of falling into.
2) No face-eyes, all wing-eyes: approach with caution. Energy is much sharper, "holy fear" sort of vibe. Carries "destructive" Black energy; unpredictable.
3) Face and eyes on both face and wings: the most overwhelming vibe, carrying both sides of Black energy. Completely safe to be around though, if you can handle it.

A rule of thumb is this:
Face-mouths show "negative" Black energy. Face-eyes show "positive" Black energy.
If Infi has NO mouths on hir, ze is completely consumed by the creative side of Black and IS dangerous to be around, although it may not feel like it (that's the danger).
If Infi has NO eyes on hir, GET OUT OF THERE. That's practically Tar-mode. If that's happening Infi is VERY unstable and honestly the System should be concerned.
If Infi changes hir color to be WHITE instead of Black, I have no freaking idea what that's about yet but it usually means that serious business is going down.



And here, have some closeups of the pixels for the original three System daemons.

 

Infinitii, Lethe, and we-still-don't-know, aha. We almost got hir name once, but no dice.
Chocoloco, Dendrite, Nexus, and Triad aren't in this set because I simply haven't gotten around to drawing them out yet.


Someone did try drawing a scene from this *incident* though. Very sketchy, I don't know when it was drawn or who did it, but I am fond of it so here.

 

 

Markus on the left, Ryman and the 2012 Jewel ("Cupid") on the right.



What else can I toss at you.

Oh yeah, this entry is all avatars I've been making at recolor.me and they're really cute actually.

I'm still trying to verify/ finish finding the Spectrum Symbols I mentioned a ways back... Black, Aqua, and Sky are being elusive. Everything else feels fitting right now.
Oh yes, and we have a logo. I'm not showing it to you just yet, I want to digitalize it and make it look lovely. I told you I want to "illustrate" at least some of our life, ideally in a webcomic format, to share with people who haven't/ can't/ would rather not read through the 1000+ pages here. Yes there really are that many dudes, if you've read them all then seriously you deserve some sort of trophy, that is amazing. Also humbling. We owe you a hug or something if we ever meet you physically, really.



Last but not least, here's how many pixel people we have so far.

 

 

About 70 more to go, haha. *sobs*
Not really; we currently only need pixel representations for people who talk in Xangas. But who knows! We all want to talk more, and the channels are open to anyone who wants to chat, so. I'll probably have to do at least 20 more of these at some point. But I'm not complaining; I love everyone and I'm really happy to see the completed art.



On that note it is 1AM and tomorrow is Thursday, I totally forgot. We have TWO therapy appointments and we really should go jogging in the morning before we end up sitting in a car all day. Gotta take those small steps, like I said. Just get the good habits going again.

I love all you readers, invisible or not, and thanks for being there.
May you have a lovely lovely night, and dreams to match.

 

 

 

Therapy on Thursday.

I didn't update as it happened (people wanted to ignore it)



numb fronter as we walked in, couldnt get them out at first
spice fronted for a WHILE, very angry
sherlock fronted momentarily
so did garrison
isadora tried but talking socially isnt her thing
jewel peeked in? left shortly
"jessica" writer girl fronted for a WHILE (NOT the brown "jess," no ties to chocoloco?)
clearly said "other people don't like when I get violent"
she hates the mother, that's her main thing. color feels vaguely indigo, like the one from 2008 or so
wreckage tried to come in, I think ashen was alerted
david did too I think

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Sometimes I think it's really dumb that I have to write down everything "bad" that happens so I can tell the therapist. I don't want to hold on to this stuff. But, I keep remembering that one phrase: "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." I can't help but feel that, stupid and ridiculous or not, that quote applies here. It's awful.

Sunday morning, I think, there was a dream hack. It was horrible. The pain in-dream was so excruciating that the body collapsed, and I remember almost passing out. I had fallen to the floor, in agony and delirious, and I was half-crazily praying to God to save me somehow. I thought I was dying.
Miraculously, that pain did NOT translate over to the physical body when we awoke. Thank God for that, really!! If it had translated I probably would have really died.

I know why it happened. Sleeping is painful lately, what with surgery recovery, and if we lie flat down it hurts even more. So, we have to carefully prop up the body in a way that won't make our limbs go numb, and will still allow us to breathe, without straining the abdomen so badly we can't get back out of bed easily afterwards (which will happen if we fall down flat). Anyway, since it is tricky, we usually wake up several times during the night hurting. We haven't been sleeping well in any case. There have been lots of nightmares.
Anyway. Sunday, we woke up around 6AM, only having about 5 hours of sleep so far. So we made the mistake of going back to sleep as the sun was rising.
Here's a note: sleeping during sunlight equals HACKS!!! I don't know why, but it's a constant. The "danger zone" happens whenever you try to sleep when it's light out. It's Plague stuff I think. Bad stuff. So we kind of feared it would happen, but what else could we do?

I'm standing here and the legs are covered in blood and I'm fine, but whoever was out before me definitely was not.
There's a problem lately: no emotions, but expression of emotions. Like, "I feel like I should be upset about this, or that it would be right to feel upset about this, but there's no actual feeling!" Like after hacks. You KNOW you're "upset," "sad," "angry," et cetera, but there's no actual emotion. It's an empty void, a blank space. There's nothing. There's just this "knowledge" that, even if you don't actually feel it, you know you aren't happy about this situation. And then someone fronts, and starts to try and scream or cry or something, but there are no emotions, and the second they stop it's poker face city. It's highly confusing and rather upsetting, to know that there should be an emotion there but there isn't.
Even worse, we still have those not-so-floating voices (alters?? the therapist is making us question a lot of things we took for granted or glossed over) who are full of hatred for anyone who shows "weakness or stupidity." There was a problem today; someone was eating as a "coping mechanism"-- the need to organize, to fix something, to clean something, to destroy something. It's all projected coping needs that we can't find a way to meet elsewhere, so it comes out unhealthily. But it was 5:05, and then the grandmother walks in, stops, smiles sadly/flatly at us, and says "You didn't make it."
Now she likely meant well. She knows we like to stop eating at 5PM every day, but sometimes we don't eat "breakfast" until 4PM so that makes things tricky, since we have to prepare the food that day too. So she meant, "it's after 5 already." But it hurt! What a way to say it! Why would you say it such a way?
Immediately the brain heard those words through the hurt. "You're still eating, you wretched thing?" "You failed." "There's a strict set of rules you must meet to be "good," and guess what? You didn't make it." In short, what we heard was, " You failed to do what was good and right, again. I'm disappointed in you, but I didn't expect anything different. You're a disgrace and a shame."
All I know is that this person's "appetite" bottomed out and immediately they wanted to burn every edible item in the kitchen. They fought off the urge to forcibly vomit out of shame right then and there, and walked out to sit on the porch in the cold, feeling utterly filthy and animalistic, like they no longer deserved to show their hedonistic face among human beings.
A few minutes later the grandmother stomps out onto the porch, sighing angrily, half-shouting. "What are you doing now? Stop being so ridiculous. Get back in here."
We tried to explain how we felt, to apologize for being such a humiliation, but she cut us off. "Oh, I don't want to hear this again! You've gotta stop that." Then as we went to walk in the door, she (unknowingly?) shut the door right in our face. There was a moment of shock-- dulled by the fact that we hadn't felt any emotions this whole time-- and then someone went and slumped against the chimney and tried to cry. Unfortunately, the feelings of self-horror and hatred were so potent, that one of those "floating alters" spoke up. "Shut the hell up, you faggot bastard!!!" That's the one that hates crying, and calls anyone who dares to cry because they're "sad" the most awful name they can imagine. They see crying as selfish, manipulative, and downright disgusting. In their eyes, people who cry are doing the emotional equivalent of grabbing someone forcibly by the face and dragging them in the direction you want them to go. It's profane emotional abuse, crying is, to them. So we aren't allowed to cry because it's "evil."
So that shut down, easily enough, because nothing was actually being felt… convincing us that we were "evil" and manipulative, because who else would cry without actually feeling sad? The only thing we felt was this ugly, corrosive, dirty feeling of wrongness, like we were trash, utter garbage, and did not deserve to be conscious.
We ended up back inside the house somewhere around there but the memory cuts out for about two, three hours around that time.
There's too much memory loss lately. It's scary. It's unbearable.


…I lit some candles for optimism, but the black one ended up overflowing like a volcano and spitting sludge all into the pink one, only. That's awful symbolism and it's scaring me a little.

There was a real hack, Sunday night I think. The same day of the dream hack as far as I know. It was in the living room, someone went into a trance from the red lights and that is all I know. We found the culprit, because they tried to attack Chaos and he freaked out, then it went after Genesis, but Infi showed up and neutralized it, so there's no hack data other than the initial "someone bad is here" shock of the culprit fronting and Wreckage realizing it. Yeah, she noticed and tried to kill it, I don't know how it kept going… lots of the hackers can. I think it's because they're on the "downstairs" level, that's not tied to the System at all. It's all Socials and faceless people and floaters. It's a very dangerous, very frightening, very primal level. J---bel and J----ca's kingdom. There's so much malice in those two names, it hurts. I don't want to write them.
So we think that person was "Eros." NOT the guy we've been calling by the name Upstairs, at least we don't think so. This is the guy from 2012, the REALLY EVIL one that caused the whole Celebi trouble in January. Yeah. The EVIL guy. We think it's him, because it feels very similar to what records we have of him, and it's not a good feeling. So we're being very careful.

The real problem is that he's not the only one!!! There's at least two girls, too. One is Anna, I don't remember/know what her deal is but she exists, we're well aware of her. Long straight blonde hair and all. BUT there's another girl-- at least we think it's a girl? maybe there are two-- which is one we've been hunting for AGES, and it's the one who hijacked Jay's heart affinity and turned it into the most dangerous horrific thing ever. She's not a good person, at all, not at all, her energy is unmistakable too and they've left EVIDENCE before, on our computer, that they exist. It's always scary to find evidence, we're not used to people fronting without permission or knowledge, especially bad people.

Oh! Before I forget. The therapist wants to know who writes. I'm a "girl," more like I have a female look and I'm a teenager. But gender is "ehh." I don't think about it much. Anyway I'm a girl and I'm young and I'm happy? I'm not sad, at least. I'm more like, unfazed. So that's it.

Back to typing so I don't slip, that happens a lot with self-awareness because the darker minds in the System don't want these new voices manifesting. (Sherlock here, momentarily. Give me a minute to hand the reins back, quietly.)

So. Bad hacker girl. We don't know who she is but she was apparently around tonight. No hack data again, just the instant of realizing "oh no oh no, someone was here," and then a time gap, and then standing in the bathroom with a huge bread knife in one hand and hysterically sobbing "there's not enough blood!!" Whoever that was. I don't know. But that person realized the "no emotions" problem because although they were wracked with tears and pain, there was-- again-- no emotion being felt, which shook them up.
They were staring at a washcloth full of blood and saying it looked like a murder scene. Then they wondered if we should go to the hospital, because "this wasn't normal," they had lost so much time and they didn't know what day it was and this was no way to live, it was unbearable.
Then there's a somewhat different memory? An instant of someone leaning against the doorframe and laughing deliriously, staring at the wrists and saying "I could end this right now!" It was the sudden realization that we had a really sharp knife and we were really hopelessly distraught and it would be SO quick to just… end it all. Instantly. But something made them change their mind, because that person disappeared and then there's another time gap… yada yada yada. It keeps happening like that and it's not fun.

Anyway. They "couldn't reach God" and every time they tried to ask "do you love me" "do you forgive me" etc., the damned floating voices would jump in and lie and say "no," over and over, making the fronter feel trapped in hell and unsaveable.
Then Infi showed up. All I know is that Infinitii showed up and said "I love you," making it very clear that they weren't ignorant of the situation even so. I don't know what happened after that, I can't see it, just that ze and the fronter (did Jay come in? no? somebody else.) were talking for a little bit and now I'm here? Typing? Geez. It's 9:25 PM. The last time we remember looking at a clock it was 8:25 or so, in the kitchen, putting the knife back in the sink. Geez. And getting matches for the candles.
Someone was standing on a chair to do that (the matches are on top of the fridge) and saying (with no small amount of disgust and shame) that they felt "lonely," that they "never had any friends" because to them, a REAL friend was someone that you didn't HAVE to talk to when you were upset like this. A REAL friend would understand, and just sit with you if you just needed company, to be assured someone else kind was there for protection and compassion, who wouldn't want to chat emptily or do small talk. Which is stupid, and which is what all almost-"friends" would force us to do in the past. Real close friends talk about real close things. And we never had that, but we needed We never got close to anyone really, they never wanted to be close and it hurt. We only ever had… let me count. AMG, AAA, CL, SD maybe, BP, BD almost, Angelbee, and that's it. Seven people who were near-friends, and of all those, only ONE of them (CL) EVER treated us like one. CL treated us like a sibling, there's precious little memory of that time period of life and the only real snapshot we have is of walking across the playground with her, and she was just so happy to be with us that this surge of real honest love welled up in us, like the love you'd have for a dear friend or sister, and it was one of the first real things we ever felt. CL left us for good a few months later, but… that was real, and honest. It's worth noting that this was approximately the same life-time period that Jezebel evidenced during, so the forces were already in opposition. Ugh. Anyway, yeah. Seven people, two of them who were only "cool acquaintances," three of them who were borderline abusive, and one of them (AAA) who was never really an "official" friend (i.e. she would talk to us often but we never hung out or did stuff together) but who we adored nevertheless, as you know. So yeah, we were lonely. Are lonely, I guess, if this evening's admittance by who-knows-who was honest enough.
We did have internet friends, I guess? I forgot. They've fallen into the "lost years," the ones scrubbed dry by programming or trauma or whatever. We don't remember them at all; whoever befriended them is LONG gone and did not leave any first-person memories that we can find. But that's not relevant now, and that stuff physically hurts to look for.
Where was I. Oh yeah. After that hack, and bleeding all over the bathroom (we got really dizzy, not sure if it was from blood or stress or whatever, but it was a little worrisome), and losing even more time, and wanting to throw up, and feeling utterly isolated, yeah we were kind of lonely. We were unplugged from headspace too, and to be honest I don't know if that helped or hindered the situation? There is a LOT of hate for headspace on the downstairs level, with the socials and other faceless fronters, because to them "headspace" is synonymous with "the world and people that only exist because of hacking." In other words, "headspace is a living reminder of hell, and as far as we are concerned, its very presence promotes more suffering and pain." So the socials HATE headspace, and will deny/ slander/ curse/ try to annihilate it at every opportunity. Sadly, because of that split, there's no way to get help from headspace (someone just shouted "we don't want it!!"). Well, there you go. Don't shoot the messenger, guys, I'm just typing. ("For who?") For anyone, I'm just keeping records of this so we can actually deal with this trouble with the therapist maybe, and keep it from ever happening again.

I hope. We wish. This has been going on for 7 years, plus-- no, longer than that, almost 10 now. We aren't sure. When did the hacks really start? So much time is gone, but so many of us are so young, we can't tell.
We keep forgetting about "childhood trauma" too. We laugh at it, actually. It feels like all fairy tales, like some scary story made up to make other children behave. We don't remember having a childhood. Our memory doesn't "start" until 8th grade, really. 2003, going into 2004, that's when headspace put down its first "roots," even though Jewel manifested years prior, and others (Julie, Jezebel, etc.) even earlier. Still, all of that feels foggy and vague, almost like a prologue, or something slightly off-kilter. "Solid" memory, the "beginning," is in the 8th grade classroom. 2003, let's say. And then time disappears for several years, and the next thing we have a "solid" memory of is 2011 or so. Is it? Did Cannon leave any solid memories? No?
It's weird. Cannon and Glissando both were at MU, that awesome university, but although their memories are very clear, it's nevertheless fogged-up by the third-person viewpoint. It feels… vague. Like we were asleep from 2004 to 2008, and began waking up slowly. There's little data until closer to 2009, I think? And then it's gone AGAIN, because whoever was on dA for the "OCT period" (the short-haired kid here) is TOTALLY missing from all our records, we have NO clue who they were. Then 2010 was Utah, which was only know from data because there's NO actual data of that…

You know what, let me do that. It's 10PM, we're going to bed at 11 today because 1) although I would LOVE to stay up and type, it is NOT safe to sleep during the daylight!!! so 11PM is now the set bedtime, and 2) we're going to accompany the grandmother tomorrow morning at 8 to do family shopping and go to her bloodwork place. Any time we get to go in a car is gold. Cars are BEAUTIFUL. They are blessed spaces on wheels. Every car ever is a safe place, a sanctuary, and we love them. We can talk to them too, a little, like Kit in Young Wizards. Serafina (the PT) talks to us the most; she does not like when people hit potholes and she doesn't like when people say she's "not as good" as Bethany (the Suzuki). So she's kind of moody. But we're nice to her, we really do love her, and she's warming up to us more. Bethany we don't get to talk to often (we don't get to drive her much) but I'm curious, and kind of scared, to try. She's been in several accidents and there has been at LEAST one massively horrifying hack while IN her, poor thing. We haven't even listened to that file yet.


…Okay, I just had to leave the computer for a second and NOW all the terrible sadness and hopelessness is settling in. How do we deal with that? Just meditate all the time?
To be honest, that's why we haven't been meditating. It's… when we do, we don't want to stop. We'd unplug from reality and meditate for like six hours a day if we could. Is that detrimental? Is it "good" to totally dissociate from the physical realm that often, that totally? "Be in the world, but not of it," they say, but for God's sake we don't know HOW to be "in it" at this point, most Buddhas weren't "mentally ill" as far as we know, and it hurts like a crushed heart to hear people say "well mental illness isn't real” because sure, we know that all this suffering is ephemeral, but then…
I don't know. What about the PTSD, then? What about the D.I.D.? Are they saying that "oh, your PTSD isn't real" even if someone was raped, or caught in an explosion, or something equally horrid? It's hard to find the fine line. On one hand, there's awareness that this life is temporary, and all the horrors we may endure here are equally so… and on the other hand, there's the awareness that this life is still valid, right? It's still real in some way, right? And… is it wrong to be scared, when something scary happens to you?
I don't know. This drives me mad, especially because it's the REASON why we aren't feeling emotions anymore!! SO many people have said "your emotions are just knee-jerk reactions to stimuli that don't really exist!" and glorified "detachment" and "emptiness" that we have scraped out our soul and now we don't know HOW to live in this world because we just want to meditate all day. We're in pain and we can't even feel it because these people keep saying it's not real.
Bullshit. BULLSHIT. "You have to accept suffering before you can transcend it." That means stop kicking this under the rug and let us HEAL for God's sake, we're scared and we're frightened and we're sad and lonely and confused and angry and you just keep doing that stupid "SMILE (☺)" reaction and acting like we're just poor fools!!! Well maybe we are, but that puts us right in with every other beaten and kicked child in the world. Would you just "SMILE" at a five-year-old whose mother just whacked them in the face out of pure malice, and who was crying bitterly as a result? "Don't cry child, she's not really your mother! The pain isn't really real! (Smile!)" FCK YOU.
I am so sorry. FCK YOU.


That too. That freaking mother. "WRITE A BOOK!!! WRITE A BOOK!!! HERE HERE'S ANOTHER PUBLISHING COMPANY TO CONTACT!! HERE'S ANOTHER WRITERS GROUP TO ATTEND!!! BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!!!"
Fck off, FCK OFF, STOP.
Everyone wants me/us/whatever to "write a book." WHAT BOOK!??!?
What the hell do you want us to write????? What are you expecting????
There's our personal chronicles, these Archives, sure we could TRY to write a book out of them, we'd LOVE to actually, but that's NOT EASY, ESPECIALLY when every two seconds you're telling me IT'S FAKE, IT'S BULLSHIT, GET OVER IT, STOP ACTING LIKE THAT, STOP SAYING THAT, ET CETERA.
I wouldn’t BE saying things if I wasn't FEELING them. I'm trying to be HONEST. Would you rather I lie??
I don't know. I don't know. I WANT to write this in a book and put it out there but it HURTS, damn it it HURTS and it's terrifying to look back and see that there's NOTHING for YEARS, God help us how can we write anything if there's so much empty space and unanswered questions??? I don't know. I don't know.
And then there's Dream World, Jewel's magnum opus or however you'd call it. She's terrified because so many people have ripped that story right out of her heart and tried to mangle it into their own liking. It's been so horribly corrupted, she can't see half the characters anymore, she can't find the timeline after 2003 right now, right where ours stops. She cries about it a lot, how all she wants to do is share that story, her love and joy, our hope, and yet it's been so battered. She's scared, that she might not be able to get it right in time, or the right way, or something. But we all feel her fear, more of a wrenchingly awful bottomless mourning, and it makes our situation all the more depressing.

Ugh. This entry is going places I don't want it to go. Where was I. Cars.
Not going to talk about that hack file. It's an hour long and I know Wreckage talked on it and so did the veil-person (the purple one) and Julie maybe? I don't know, I don't want to think about it, there's a potent jagged aura around that entire event that is horrifying to look at, sorry to keep using that word but it's the only one with a "vibe" that fits the feeling I'm trying to express. Horror is different from terror, and fright, and fear. You get the picture, I hope.
Cars. We're going in one tomorrow. I'll type again when I get home, maybe.
I wanted to list memory bits, for the sake of having that data written down somewhere, and also for the therapist. Oh, plus she has us doing this thing, let's start a new paragraph for that, I mentioned it earlier.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Okay, so the therapist asked us, "who does what in your System?" But she meant on the outside. And we DON'T KNOW. It was very jarring, kind of existentially nauseating, scary, to realize that we don't know who does half this stuff, and the more questions she asked the more shaken-up we got until we almost felt like crying from shock but nothing happened. We're losing so much time and we NEVER REALIZED IT until she started asking things we never would have considered asking ourselves.
"Who eats" is tricky enough, Emmett should be the one eating but that's been very rare over the past few months. We don't know who eats lately, but so many people are tied to pain and purging and maintenance that it's a little easier to get a grip on that.
But then she asked, "who cooks? Who cleans? Who does finances? Who goes to the doctor? " etc. We have absolutely no idea. And as we looked, hoping to find answers, we found that there was no data. We don't know who cooks or cleans or does finances or goes to the doc because for the most part, there's NO MEMORY OF THOSE THINGS. There's some vague "location" data, of course, the eyes are always seeing… but as for actual conscious stuff? Movement, talking, choices? None. There's nothing. And THAT'S scary.
She asked who exercised. We mentioned that weird faceless beige-tan guy who showed up last summer on the elliptical, and who keeps flickering in and out. But we also mentioned that exercise is dangerous, TERRIBLY dangerous, and the reason why we were out of shape for years is that originally we couldn't exercise without getting hacked. Which was bad. Running outside is safe but we can't do that until our surgery heals.
"Who writes, who does art, who does music," she asked. Another worrisome question. Creativity was always very separate from our System in order to protect it, because if hacks/ etc. ever touched the Leagueworld stuff, we'd die. Quite literally. Everything would go to hell. So no one in our System did art, except Jewel, who broke off from us during the lost years. Razor tried but couldn't tap in. We have some musicians, notably Glissando, but Nienna and Zwei like to sing and Einsatz likes to listen. Problem is, for unknown reasons music is also tied to mania, so we are actually terrified to play the piano anymore because then that one girl comes out and goes nuts, and her energy signature is like a circuit breaker shorting out, blowing up. She's dangerous and we do not like her. She's part of why we stopped singing for over a year once the dysphoria got bad. It would trigger her and then things would-- again-- go to hell. And hacks would happen in her wake too! So that wasn't good either. Writing, though, that's our field now… sadly, for some part, as Jewel lives to write and she hasn't in a very long time. We used to have a poet, we don't know where they went. We lost a lot of our writers, actually. Those of us who write in the Archives… we''re a different breed. This is just talking onto paper. I'm one, Simeon is listed, one girl who "hates the mother" and goes by "Jess" because she can't find another name. She spoke here for a bit before, her energy sticks. Jay types, Laurie has typed before, not often but she has. Sherlock types. Mulberry did once, I can see the text in my mind. But yeah. That was an easier question to answer.
"Who does self-care," the therapist asked. No one. Cannon put a stop to it in 2009 or so, with the dysphoria and hacks and atonement, and since then it's been very bad, minimal really. Bathrooms in general are hack-places and we don't like spending longer in one than we have to.
"Who went to school," was the last question. Cannon, that we know. She took the one art class, that unannounced decided to make her do figure drawing. And all hell broke loose. AGAIN. It's ridiculous how often that has happened. Where is it coming from?? Why??
But we don't know who else was at the first college, other than Glissando, who was only there to sit at her laptop and write music. Spinny got in the way there sometimes, but she was manic and negative and not really a "person." We don't know who went to the second college. We don't know who went to high school or elementary school. Blame the social interaction, I guess, or at least the threat of it. Thank God we were ignored for the most part!

I can't type anymore. Apparently my attitude is detrimental? Or at least not nice, or fitting. It's "rude" without meaning to be rude is what I'm getting. Sorry guys. I'm out of here.

We'll write the memory data down tomorrow, when we have appropriate time. Now is too late.
I cannot tell you much else for tonight; there is a pervading sadness and helpless frustration that is being exacerbated by the heat in this room and the company here. I do not want to mire in this mindset so I am going to attempt to unplug the mind for as long as possible to allow it to heal. Good night.




…Hold up, no. Don't end this yet.
This is Jay. I usually show up at the end, sorry for that, but it feels fitting.
Knife just walked up to me, in tears, asking "what happened," and I just felt… more complete, more whole than I have in… I want to say "years," but it's probably just days. Days are becoming mini-lifetimes by now, in any case.
But there he was, crying, knowing there was pain, asking where all the blood came from, what happened?? We looked, it wasn't bad actually, nothing deep like Razor does, nothing major. But it had happened, that fact alone was heartbreaking. Knife said Julie was totally distraught, and honestly guys I am not surprised, because I saw her sitting by herself after that hack on Sunday, and the look on her face just ached to see. It was grim, determined, almost too stoic to decipher-- but there was this knowing in her eyes and a pain in her posture that I understood too well. She hasn't forgotten what brought her to where she is now. She knows what happens with hacks. And they are still happening. That look was something I can't put into words, but it broke my heart to see it, and God knows I want this to stop just as much as she does.
But then there's the lack of emotion. There it is, the Plague. It sneaks into my confetti-colored head and it smiles, and it tries to make me believe that it's fine that hacks are happening, why do you care? It's not real, who cares! Except I'm re-reading Young Wizards and that thing feels way too much like the Lone Power.
Oh. About that. Yesterday I power-read through the entirety of High Wizardry, which we originally read over a decade ago, and which there was only the faintest recognition of. The last chapter was a roller coaster of an experience, and the last 20 pages or so had me in legitimate tears. I will not spoil it for you (good Lord go read it) but I will say that I actually had to stop, two or three times, because there was such powerful relevance to headspace and I kept thinking Infi, Infi, this is all Infinitii's message-- and when I closed the book around 1AM ze was there, and I was a mess, and I cannot forget what happened in those first moments.
I was crumpled up in a corner somewhere, in headspace, in a bright place of white light… but miserable. The final chapter of the book had forced me to realize just how much awfulness was in me, in our collective self-- all the selfishness, the bitterness, the dishonesty, the rage, every derivation of negative death, every contribution to entropy. I saw it all and I felt every regret we had and it ripped through me like a blade and I was devastated, I couldn't bear it. I ended up in that corner, wanting to just disappear, ashamed to exist with all that trailing me, us. And then something velvet-black against the light walked over, paused, looked down with something untranslatable in its many eyes, and said: "Jay.
You do realize, I know all of those things, completely?"
I did realize, and the aching shame was unendurable. I said nothing.
"I still love you."
I looked up then, self-hatred and disbelief coloring me bitter.
"How could you?"
At that, Infinitii's expression softened, just a little, just enough.
"How could I not?"
So that was that.
Sorry I can't quite do it justice. We spoke for a bit after that and it felt so entirely cathartic I was shocked; I couldn't remember the last time this chest felt so clear.

Here are some other bits of data the other writers here forgot to/ didn't know about to mention--
- I knew I was in trouble Sunday morning but the body was so exhausted we had no choice but to sleep. I went to Javier's room and slept there hoping he could help protect me, but apparently when I sleep I get "yanked out" of headspace and so he was helpless. He also was not at fault, which I had to emphasize when I returned and he was almost hysterical with misplaced remorse.
- Lynne slept over in my room on Saturday night I think? Just for fun, as I'd been talking to her all that day and anyway I miss the platonic closeness I used to have with everyone. So that was nice.
- I was also talking to Kyanos on Saturday night, as we did our nightly walk. His eyes glow, he does have stained-glass wings, which he said settled in after he was assigned his surname (Kathedrikos).
- I'm trying to tap into people's energy fields again, upstairs. Scent is the easiest as it's the most ethereal, so I'm starting there. Lynne is still rosin/ violin wood/ peaches, while Laurie is still blood/ steel/ lightning. There's also this odd subtle "vibe" to them both that I found interesting-- kind of how for a lot of people, the smell of homemade bread has a "vibe" of comfort and security, due to associations with that sort of environment. Lynne, unsurprisingly, has the vibe of our old violin music school-- comforting and bright, but warm and safe, without feeling "stagnant" like a home. There was a slight bright edge of excitement to it, the knowledge that you were "on the road" but that place was a safe haven in the meantime. Lots of warmth. Laurie, though, has this somewhat personal vibe of protection, again unsurprisingly. But I say "personal" in that Lynne's vibe is more "expansive," like it feels bigger, while Laurie's is very contained, just me and her really, without being "too close." It's basically the knowledge that she's got your back, elaborated into something that feels, oddly, just as "at home" as Lynne does in a different way. Just wanted to mention that.
- Marigold smells like marigolds, the bright warm summery kind. David smells like a blanket (a very cute scent actually) and freshly fallen snow (which surprised me). I can't tune into Jeremiah's field yet-- he's too reticent, which is understandable and okay. Kyanos is-- as he was-- fresh morning air with a late note of honey. Nathaniel smells like a tree. It's hilarious. It's extremely subtle; leaves don't have much of a scent as-is but it's unmistakable. And there's this over-scent I cannot place, something very fine and silvery, delicate stuff. It's not mint, there was some once but there's none now. Leon, though, has this unusual smell of something like brass? I briefly tuned in and I got that vibe-- not the sharp metallic scent some metals have, but this oddly warm and golden tune. And there's something over it that's either vanilla or frankincense and I cannot tell. It's really interesting, as I haven't "checked" on anyone's energy like this in a while and it's amazing to see how it varies over time, with people. Lastly, though, I am happy to report that Knife is still all woodsmoke, but I'm thinking that odd sweet-rich undertone is actually roses, like old dried roses or something. I don't know. It's been ages since I last smelled one but I'll have to find one now, see if the data matches up. Anyway that's that, sorry for the rambling but this is really fascinating to me and I value it.

I tend to get larger blocks of residual data than others, and I'm present for Upstairs stuff typically, so there you go. It is important to write this down. Attention gives power. Attention needs to go to us.

There's a lot that still needs to be written (especially about therapy last week, which I'm working on, and the "memory list" we apparently need to write? oh, and a list of "safe places" for therapy this week) but I'm starting to get slippery. It's late anyway, we need sleep.

I haven't read a jot of this entry at the time of posting this, so I apologize if there's anything unfinished or in need of editing… I have no idea who wrote what, as usual. But I'm glad something was written.

We'll try again tomorrow. Here's to that.

 

 

 

 

Good evening. This is Mulberry Delta. I've asked Sherlock, Laurie, and the full cast of Retributors if I may write tonight's update in their place, for the sake of the responsibility I feel towards them and cannot otherwise act upon.
There was a hack tonight. That is the most outstanding and direct detail. Garrison and the other Archivists have details but I choose not to look at them; that is not for me to know and I feel it would be rather disturbing to me.
I have a candle lit. I like to light them when things like this occur, as they give me a feeling of peace and prayer. With a candle burning, I feel we have a vigil of hope.
Atonement has resumed. Sherlock says there were "heartfelt thoughts" concerning that topic earlier this evening, when Jay was driving home from what is described as a rather synchronistic grocery outing.

Let me resume the main topic, forgive me. Sherlock is handing me the data so it may be a little choppy.
…This pains me to type. Simeon was screaming, with tears. It shocks me that he was the one to carry the consequences instead of Jeremiah. …Garrison says that was possibly on purpose, as Jeremiah was badly disturbed last night? I do not know how, but they claim he was badly shaken up early this morning and that event was extremely painful emotionally for the rest of us to become aware of. As I know Simeon is a very selfless and kindhearted boy, it does not surprise me to think that he would take on that pain in his stead, to spare him extra shock and fear, but it still hurts my heart to think that he, a child, would have to do such a thing in the first place. This is why I am glad that my friends, the Retributors, are "back in business." They bring a light and a purifying force of intention into these nights where there would otherwise be none.

Razor was the first to pick up a blade (our only new ones, courtesy of Wreckage). It surprised whoever saw her (I do believe it was Laurie; she was present almost immediately for the sake of keeping things coherent), and there was a question of "are you sure?" but Razor insisted yes, "she had a job to do" and continued. This personally surprises me, as earlier this year she was hellbent on not being a retributor anymore. She currently adds that she "had a change of heart," though.
Knife must have been the second, as there's a strong amount of responsibility surrounding him concerning this incident. None of it is negative, I must emphasize. The retributive half of this event was purely beneficial.
Knife's reaction is the most strongly recorded as well, "emblazoned" in the records. Upon seeing the blood notes on the body, painted by his sister, he apparently picked up the blade and decided to follow suit, re-taking up his original role in camaraderie with her. Immediately after seeing how easily and cleanly this new blade cut, and how quickly the blood sprang up and out, he smiled and began to laugh and cry. One line that was recorded is, "this was my purpose." He was sobbing with a sort of heart-wrenching gratitude the entire time. However, the most surprising aspect of his actions was that, when cleaning out the first rush of purified blood, his first and immediate instinct was to place the cloth in his mouth. We had no idea what he was doing at first, or why the motion had been so strongly instinctive, but then it registered-- he is a vampire, after all. Nevertheless we had never known why he had manifested as one, other than through his retributive connection to blood as a whole, so this was intriguing, especially since it was not motivated by "hunger" but rather by some vague sort of affection. Why this is, we do not yet know. Nevertheless we had to kindly chide him not to actually ingest any blood as we went along, as he was in a very emotionally sensitive state and so that impulse was equally strong.
The third person to appear was Algorith, who was mainly wishing aloud that she wouldn't have to "clean up" after anyone, as her first and only previous experience with that was painful enough for her to not want to relive it ever again. She cut a few scars, but not much is recorded for her. She, however, did comment that "Simeon was in the body" trying to keep her from harming it, due to a childlike dislike of pain. Data is vague but I do believe she gently but briefly explained her motivations to him, for which he moved aside.
The fourth person to appear was Sugar, rather suddenly as someone was cleaning the blood off the arms. She was "triggered" by the image of it on the cloth, surprisingly, as the pattern was strongly similar to that of her face "tattoos," all graceful delicate dots and lines. Garrison says that data, stored through her awareness, didn't register as blood at all, but instead as a "butterfly-esque" work of art, in terms of fragile beauty? That is interesting, thank you.
The fifth last person to appear, and the one who left the strongest energy residue in the body, was Wreckage. Sherlock says there's "no clear data" for a lot of this, as the event wasn't focused on archiving, but rather on immediately living in focus. So we're simply recording this for posterity, as they say, not for literal accuracy. Just a reminder.
Wreckage was angry, but she burns her anger in a condensed way, very differently from Laurie would in the same situation. So her main concern was how "ferocious" the hack had been, who was responsible, and how we could prevent this in the future. Sorry, the body is becoming very tired from stress shutdown so I may have to summarize this. Wreckage speaks "through her teeth," in a sense, as hers are very large and they give her a very identifiable speaking style when fronting. That was recorded clearly. The energy overlay of her claws was too, as she was momentarily distressed that she did not have them, instead owning only blunt fingers in this body. She insisted that she cut at least one scar, to "share in the responsibility" as a fellow Retributor, especially since she felt she should have detected and stopped this hack before it happened (something that likely would have been near-impossible in this situation). There's a data picture of her using the blade as a claw, saying she would "only cut a small one," and then there's a very strong string of data of her actually cutting a rather deep scar on the arm. Laurie jumped up in shock, asking her why she was being so ferocious about it, but Wreckage said it could have been much deeper, and besides, she felt it was more 'reverent' to be that deliberate, in light of the situation's gravity. Laurie agreed, and Knife also sided with Wreckage's sentiments.
The last clear data we have of Wreckage is of her cleaning up the blood and, upon seeing it slightly 'clot' upon drying, thinking it was Tar. Understandably she demanded an explanation, and then also asked if it was healthy for Knife to be wanting to ingest it if it was indeed so corrupted. Surprisingly, at these questions, Infinitii showed up. He said that, upon being 'bled out' into the air, the "red energy" was purified of Tar, hence why the atonement was needed. However he and Laurie then told Knife that the human body could not eat blood anyway, so it would be wise for him to not do that so eagerly. I do believe there was also a comment about there still being a risk of corruption as far as motives were concerned? Like, if Knife ate too much of the atoned blood, it would be akin to eating a "sacrifice," therefore being spiritually unhealthy. Apparently his small, oddly reverent actions of consuming it earlier were perfectly safe and allowed, especially in light of whatever their function was.

Julie showed up sometime during all this, furious and in tears, perfectly understandably. The thought that the same thing that had used her was still using us, and harming children as a result, was enough to make her blood boil. Sherlock says she asked Laurie, somewhat accusingly, "why she wasn't so angry too," and Laurie notably commented that Julie felt anger because she understood what it was like to endure such events, from a very direct perspective, and that if she were to empathize with the wounded that directly, it would probably emotionally destroy her. Laurie, however, could not understand that side of this situation, ever-- her very function of existence negates it. However, her function also includes her bearing the pain of others on an empathetic level, so she was able to feel the heartbreak and crushing sorrow that the wounded might be too scared or numb or furious to feel on their own. They both react with anger towards the hackers, and they both want to heal the hurt and prevent future pain, but they both feel and show it in very different ways.

Dread, the "dead red boy" (he seems to have temporarily chosen this name), was our main intermittent fronter for this whole thing. Healthily, he feels things "neutrally": without labeling them as 'good' or 'bad.' So he was able to simply 'exist in the moment' even as the Retributors were dealing with hack fallout all around him. Dread does not seem to feel any emotions, but again, this is not apathy, it is simply a sort of neutral zone. Unfortunately this peace only occurs in equally peaceful situations as of yet. Dread can and does still front in situations were emotions would be more traumatic than numbness, such as last night, but his 'neutrality' in those events is tinged with a very real feeling of fear, that functions as a sort of danger siren. After all, it is not healthy to endure such events for longer than is demanded or unavoidable, as we have learned from past failures. Thankfully Dread is not an apathetic fronter, so he does not do this. He recognizes and accepts the background fear that called him out, and so even though he will bear that in lieu of the pain of others, he will not stay longer than he must.

Jay is a little scared by all the cuts on the body, as he is the one who has to deal with them at night (I honestly haven't noticed them the entire time I've been typing; perhaps others are prevented from feeling that if they aren't tied to it?), but he has already emphasized rather sincerely that "he loves all of us," even in the wake of such an event, and he "hoped that love counted for something." Laurie insisted that it did, more than he knew, especially in light of what had just happened. I have to say I agree with her; having our core react with compassion and love for the entire System regardless of current pain, instead of regret or hate or anger or fear, seems to hold things together no matter what happens. I think we'll heal faster from this too. It is somewhat shocking to me even now, to see that the hack itself hasn't left much of a mark at all, at least not noticeably, as it is being drowned out by the collective hope and companionship and healing we've all endeavored to bring out in its wake.

Oh! One last note, this was just forwarded to me by Jay. Apparently Razor has decided that working with crayons might be her artistic outlet in lieu of cutting things? Someone used them as a "stress outlet" on… Sunday, Sherlock says? That entire day is noted as "very interesting," as there was a great deal of color synaesthesia tied to emotions and fronters? Something along those lines, but I'm being told not to write about that here. You'll have to be patient then.

I suppose that is all I have to say tonight. Sherlock says that'll do for now, thank you for helping me by the way.
Jay has a lot to say about "Outspacers" and System maps in the near future? He's apparently been working a lot with both of those topics lately, which is good to hear. We've been a bit of a mess since December, to paraphrase Laurie as of late. She took it harder than any of us, it seems.

Garrison wants me to add that the hackers are as of yet unidentified, and that they are still using positivity as weapons against us? It's difficult to type, this must be a touchy topic. Laurie says "of course it is, they've been using this to keep him and Chaos apart for years." I'll leave that as-is, I'm sure that says enough about the problem on its own without me going into details. It is a serious problem though, that needs to be emphasized above all else. "It needs to stop," at all costs.

Lastly, there is apparently a "newly manifested" voice in the Crimson slot, who is apparently the "splinter of Razor" that Knife has been suspecting since last year?? I was not aware of this. Apparently she was splitting on her anchor and that could not be reconciled, so she went through a time period of "mental division" similar to how Sugar did, until a color slot opened up that matched that "new person" so they could break of and become their own person? I'm sorry, this is a bit overwhelming but that's what I've got in terms of data here. Sherlock, take over for me.
All right. You'll all know, Sugar was badly split for several months in terms of her anchor, also because several faceless voices were sharing that same anchor at the time. We've pinpointed that Wreckage was the latest and last person to show up from that string of individuals, and she has officially "taken over" Sugar's original chosen anchor, that of violent rage towards those who would use Pink energy (affection, childlike sweetness) for lurid and otherwise harmful purposes. That's the short version. However, Razor was also conflicted because she originally shared her very consciousness with Cannon, as well as the Tar, back when the BLC was first discovered. When she became her own person, that anchor had not changed, but her personality no longer matched it. So she appears to have been in a similar state to that of Sugar for quite some time now, and as of today we finally have conclusive evidence of there being a Crimson-slot voice (now that Eros is confirmed demanifested) that holds the exact personality break Razor had been shifting to and from during her Tar-tied days. I hope that's not all hopeless jargon to the lot of you. Nevertheless, yes, this was a sort of "aha" moment for me, as I recognize this energy and I do wish to write about this in the future when it is not midnight and the body is not desperately trying to recover from blood loss and toxic food and lack of sleep. I apologize for that.

The green "oni girl" is indeed still alive as well, she is not a Retributor, but rather a sort of Protector. However she is still nameless and is not yet able to interact with headspace without glitching out, as her anchor is still rooted Downstairs. We will be trying to work with her more in the near future as well.
The "Victorian Pink" girl's name is confirmed to be Ashen, as it stuck.
"Pinstripe," aka Jayce, is still an anomaly in terms of color and function, for the record. He may be a Sub of Brown, Aqua, or White at this point.
And of course the Outspacer phenomenon is being duly studied by Jay, as any and all concrete data on it now will greatly aid all of us in understanding how the Spectum lineup works a little better.

That is all for tonight, I believe we have spoken enough. Thank you in turn, Mulberry, for your assistance and dedication to your job. I am honored and grateful to have you as my assistant, and as a dear friend.

Have a good night, as Jay would say.

-Sherlock
- Mulberry Delta

 

 

 

Anonymous asked: When you meet someone for the first time, how do you go about explaining to them what D.I.D. is and about the other alters? Would you do this right off the bat to get it out of the way?

This is something we’ve actually never done before, actually. For most of our collective life, safety and psychological survival depended on not telling anyone. So we ended up with a lot of “disconnected splinter alters,” basically robots who didn’t know or care about the rest of us, and functioned only to be the expected smile-and-nod.
In recent weeks life has become too overwhelming to stay hidden anymore, for various reasons. We’ve currently told two people outright that we have D.I.D., one being a doctor and the other being a family member (the latter having been unexpected, the result of an unannounced and undeniable alter fronting).

Also we don’t meet people very often, if at all. Social contact is extremely difficult and often triggering for us, so leaving the house is tough enough without having to converse with someone, sadly. Nevertheless, in an optimal situation, we would definitely say we had D.I.D. right off the bat— not to “get it out of the way,” per se, but because withholding that truth automatically forces us to lie about 95% of our entire life. We’re sick and tired of having to do that, to be blunt.

 

Still, even if we cannot answer this question, it is very valuable food for thought and we thank you for that.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:58 pm

 

 

Last night was really interesting. (Dating this entry for that, not today-- I tried to type last night but the laptop kept crashing.)
Yesterday we unexpectedly ran into a few more things we cannot eat without terrible pain-- sadly that's what often happens when Emmett doesn't front.

(VERY sick, all day. don't remember much as a result.)
(got to the point where at midnight i had to get up and walk, just to relax. head was a mess, fuzzy and loud and bad. so i tried to calm down. laurie showed up, asked if i was okay. i noticed she was incredibly clear visually, told her so, then decided i'd go upstairs too. i sat down to her left and i remember i wasn't looking at her at first, i was struggling to figure out how to express emotions. she put an arm around my shoulders as i did, i remember actually leaning against her shoulder as i continued trying to talk, didn't think anything of that action at the time as it was just a natural expression of both emotional exhaustion and trust.)
(lynne walked in a few minutes in, she was wearing her flowy nightgown-pajama getup as usual. she sat on another couch slightly across from us, angled to the right. i'm glad she showed up; she's been around just as regularly as laurie lately which is great)
(anyway i ended up talking to headspace people for a solid hour, first time we've done that in a few weeks)

(atrium room? open roof. shiny floors, lynne joked about that. to our left, big glass wall, showed forest outside. there were circular little lights in the ceilings, i turned them down lower, then turned them out entirely, said the bright light didn't feel right at that hour. i was wondering what sort of light would work, said lanterns might. asked lynne to make some. she asked if she could, i said yeah, everyone in headspace post-december had 'creation abilities' or at least the total potential to. so lynne made these big floating paper lanterns-- the spherical kind, all warm orange light. they were like 12 inches across. we had them float up in the air above us. i remember how amazing it was seeing how different they both looked in the lower warm light, images were really clear. laurie also made her own lantern, it was violet of course. oh yeah the three of us also 'manifested' energy differently, like when we called something into tangibility it was a totally different style and vibe for each of us. i'll have to make note of that phenomenon later as i see it happen; i don't quite remember it now)
(we ended up talking, forget about what, but a noteworthy topic was how i kept dissociating, had trouble feelings things and being a direct person, etc. old stuff but still happening. i think i was in tears because i said i felt 'cut off' from the rest of them sometimes, being the only person charged to be in the body as much as possible, what with the core bloodline and all. it got confusing and it was a real struggle some days. at one point lynne moved her seat over in front of me and began talking to me, very sternly but with real compassion, about that-- saying that everyone in the spectrum loved me just as much as i loved them, and as far as they were concerned, i was not 'separate' at all even if i was the core, so to speak. i was just another dude in the system, and i was just as worthy and meaningful and great as everyone else to everyone else. that meant so much to hear. either way lynne actually teared up too? i remember her wiping tears out of her eyes. that struck me because she usually has level enough emotions to not need to cry. i think she also hugged me. that whole conversation with her was very significant)
(I know for a FACT that infinitii showed up at some point around here, i heard hir call me from hir bubble and was going to go into it, when infi noticed i was preoccupied and came down into the room instead. i ended up embracing hir rather ardently when ze first appeared, quietly though, i was overwhelmed and sad by the day's events and infi always brings out that sort of reaction in me, it was cathartic really. i think i spoke to hir by myself for a bit, we made sure the both of us were okay, no threats or anything, and then infi decided ze'd stick around. so ze sat to my left on a bubble-chair sort of thing ze manifested, talked to the three of us for a while, it was really great.)
(there was also some sort of joke on infi's part; i was saying how i just couldn't fully stabilize into a human form, kept trying to look a bit more alien. laurie said that was fine, no one was going to judge me, i could look however i felt. i wondered aloud if i'd end up looking anything like infi. ze laughed at that, said ze wouldn't recommend it, as i'd "have trouble walking with [these] feet," and lifted one leg in an almost pinup-like style to show hir infamous needle feet. i laughed and asked how ze did walk with those then? like i knew ze couldn't figure out walking with human feet, how did hir weight carry normally? infi said ze'd show me, linked me into hir body awareness and then got up and walked a bit. now that was cool, also weird as heck; infi doesn't quite carry weight in the way most physical things do! ze's somewhat 'floaty' in that sense; hir entire makeup is black energy of course, so it has tangible substance, but it doesn't really pay much attention to gravity in and of itself. hard to explain; it feels almost "expectant," like it's this totality of form all just held there, in that space. actually that works! it's like it's in space. it still has weight, but it's floating in that held spot. anyway that's why there's no superdense pressure in infi's feet. geez love why are you so impossible to put into words)
(leon and nat walked in at one point, both also in sleepwear, nat's is so similar to his normal outfit it took me a second to notice which was funny. leon was barefoot too. they only meant to stop in for a minute but they ended up being there for quite a while)
(lynne had them both make lanterns too, leon didn't think he could at first but nat reassured him. leon's looked so pretty (indigo light!) that we temporarily turned all the lanterns in the room indigo for a minute. that made everyone's colors look really weird, haha. also nat laughed at lynne about the lights, and him being a moth, ultimately he actually flew up to them for a minute, they were both cracking up.)
(by this point they figured they'd stick around so they jokingly asked "what's the topic" and lynne mentioned the problems i was having with self-worth and identity in the system. in response i clearly remember leon talking very sincerely to me about that, again words are not available as data but the feeling is there. he said i meant a lot to him, especially since i was the only person to say he deserved another chance at life back in 2010. but he reassured me that no one thought of me any less. nathaniel spoke up when he was finished, i know he didn't say much, but i remember how he was once the body's reflection holder so he was familiar with a lot of the old struggle. the thing i remember him doing is making a heart-shape with his hands, over his own chest, and smiling at me. he said to "remember that." again the impression was to remember self-love as well as love for others, sorry it's hard to put all this into text. but the two of them did help a lot)
(leon and nat were tired and were trying to go to sleep but kept getting caught up in conversation, wondering 'should we just sit down already or not,' then when they finally decided to leave, suddenly jo and wally appeared in the doorway and asked what was going on in there. we thought this was hilarious)
(we jokingly 'telepathically' checked on javier around here, he wasn't asleep yet but it was close. he laughed when he heard what was going on, said he might have to join in. i said he didn't have to if he was tired. somehow he ended up mentally telling leon to go to sleep, as we mentioned that, everyone ended up laughing. but at that nat and leon did leave, we all wished them well)
(jo and wally were hovering around the doorway for a bit (wally also referenced the "princess of chairs" injoke for some reason, laurie laughed out loud at that), we asked why, they said they weren't sure if they were interrupting anything. we said no, but then jo said he'd sit down except that infi was there, and he'd never really dealt with infi's energy in a room before (it forces people to be more open and 'quiet,' instead of brightly energetic). somehow he decided he'd join us anyway, sat down directly across from infi actually, to laurie's right. the conversation was a bit awkward at first because he was really kind of moody and touchy at first? wally was being a bit pushy, but playfully so, except jo reacted angrily to that, they almost ended up bickering. it reminded me of genesis, what with that sort of fiercely independent streak, i mentioned that to jo. said it was kind of a 'yellow' thing, at least in that saturated a hue. however the sort of aggressiveness he was showing felt like more of a tar thing. we figured that was because it was late, and the subconscious gets really powerful late at night, hence the hack threats and slippage. so we just all decided to be extra careful. jo apologized, as did wally, we said that was okay, but we were all a bit shaken then, it's always creepy when people start acting instinctively.)
(somehow that uneasy intro ended up letting jo open up rather quickly, i think it was just the emotional whiplash so to speak. again not sure how it built up to it, but he said he was kind of angry because he and wally were out of the loop again? and he wanted to be, he was tired of getting the tail ends of conversations and things. he continued on this for a bit, then at some point somehow segued into the fact that he hadn't forgiven himself for how he met cannon in 2010. i was surprised, i said i never held that against him, there wasn't even a memory of it for me. my literal first impression of jo was seeing him standing next to laurie after all that, that's the only data i have. i asked him if he remembered the pseudo-hack he was blaming himself for, he said no, that was mutable space so he had no concrete recollection either. but he felt terribly guilty because he knew how that sort of thing felt, and how terrifying hacks were, etc. so having been part of something similar was really eating away at him. i actually felt a sort of visceral rage bubble up at that, not from me but from the people who hold that, not wanting to forgive simply because they were feeling nothing but pain. that scared me, i'm still not sure how to properly deal with them as i get overwhelmed. but i reassured jo that it was okay now, i didn't tie him to that, it was in the past, it was okay. the whole time waldorf was rather surprised too, she had said "you still haven't forgiven yourself for that?" at the start, like they had discussed this on their own.)
(at the end of all that jo was angry-sad and ended up half-demanding where julie and spine were, the other two that were often missing from conversations. lynne looked notably pained upon realizing spine hadn't been around, but i think one of us actually called for julie then? we put the intention out in any case.)
(forgive me if this next bit is blurry; the later it got the tougher it got to keep things stable so memory is off)
(either way, julie did end up walking in, from outside actually (back behind infi there was a door). she seemed really sad? she stopped at the entrance, laurie actually stood up in surprise first, we didn't expect her to show up there. we called her over, i remember laurie hugged her, i think they talked for a bit too. but then julie started talking to lynne and i, i think? she talked a lot, that i can tell you; she was very emotionally upset and wanted to express her thoughts.)
(i remember infi was comforting her at one point, they were talking rather familiarly as they did so, it suddenly hit me that 'wait a minute weren't they technically 'dating' at one point?' but i had to smile, it was a really genuine caring between then which i always love seeing in others. textbook pink energy, the real kind)
(something REALLY WEIRD happened around here?? everyone noticed that i couldn't talk without dissociating, and physical contact even upstairs was pushing me into danger zones. i said it was freaky because i felt people being 'triggered' even then, as anchor resonance, didn't know how to deal with that. laurie and julie wanted to see what happened, for their own individual reasons obviously. i said the kind of contact changed the trigger, so i asked laurie to kind of push me, like it was a joke. she was hesitant to do so, but did. immediately the reaction was matching-- since it was 'a joke,' the person triggered was jezebel, who acts with that sort of attitude (hard to put into words? like when people pull really dangerous pranks, or think hate jokes are funny, pushed up to 11. it's a sort of "i'm better than you, so abusing the shit out of you is fun to me" extreme stance), and who apparently can be triggered through me if we're not careful. shockingly, the second her energy was superimposed over mine, julie tried to grab it. this shocked me back in totally, julie got mad, told laurie to push me again. she did, jezebel snapped right back with the intent to start a brawl (again, with the "legitimately grinning as i strangle you" feeling; just hit me that the word is schaudenfreude), but julie was quick, grabbed her by the shoulders and literally ripped her out of my energy field. that was really strange visually-- her aura was a sort of blackish brown, and really 'unstable' around the edges, like someone layered lines of white ink over each other messily. when julie tossed her out, laurie was in shock that it was her, everyone grabbed their weapons straightaway. she melted into tar almost immediately and reared up huge, i got scared for a second, but then infinitii jumped up just as intimidating with hir wings. there was a second of charged silence and then they both jumped in attack at once, but infi wasn't fighting ze was trying to swallow all the tar energy so 'jezebel' (who is the tar in a physical form) would have to reform elsewhere, leaving us alone. needless to say ze won, but had to go into hir bubble to transmute all that i think? i really don't remember, i'm sorry. ze wasn't in there for too long though)
(there was some reference to jo being the old "id reaper," i think he said it himself, i remember him holding his scythe. julie told him to stick around because she said "we could really use one of those" in light of recent things.)
(anyway we ended up trying a different contact trigger, i forget what though? it was something neutral like a hand on a shoulder. but the reaction was rabid and i couldn't even hold up-- it triggered wreckage and she flat-out SPRANG out of my energy field to face julie, like she literally jumped out of my aura like it was a warpgate and entered the room. she was vicious as hell at first, snarling at julie, then stopped suddenly. she looked really confused and discombobulated. also her physical form wasn't stable, it felt blurry, colors were off. then i noticed she had a tail, that wasn't right. i called her out on it, she noticed and actually quickly apologized. her energy field wavered massively for a second, then split entirely in half. now she was standing there looking fine, but SPINE appeared next to her, looking as if she was about to collapse from exhaustion. lynne jumped up and caught her, eased her over to the couch next to her, we all asked what the heck just happened?? she said she had felt a trigger threat inside, from our level, but in order to 'jump up to it' and go through the body she HAD to move with spine, who was tied to the body still. again i don't know how to put into words. she apologized though, especially to spine. however she ended up "snapping back" to her own chthonic level and practically blinking out of the room, because she had been 'trigger summoned' if you want to call it that; she couldn't stick around unless she really focused to and she hadn't been doing that.)
(as you can guess stuff was very weird around now. jo had been very shaken up by that, also julie, who was in tears shouting at the rest of us after that, "why are triggers still that severe," she was heartbroken that the pink energy was still being mangled even if it wasn't as blatant as it had been before.)
(jo and wally left around here, they were really worn out and headspace was getting fuzzy anyway)
(lynne and spine were talking for a bit? it's so great to hear and see spine talk, she used to be so quiet. lynne was really doing everything to comfort her, it was touching. i know the conversation there was actually partly me apologizing, not realizing how spine was affected by switching and things, i was really sorry as i cared for her a lot too. but that talk ended well, although there was a sort of nervous scared charge in the air, we were holding on to trust in each other though. lynne said she was going to take spine to their room and they were just going to sleep this off, we wished them well.)
(i cannot remember what exactly happened here, just me julie laurie and infi, i know we talked but i cannot tell you about what. however the atmosphere obviously changed entirely, the four of us tend to be more introspective and emotionally charged than the others in central)
(infi also had to enclose hirself in a bubble at this point, ze was getting 'giddy' thanks to the time, but that can easily turn into massive danger zone. so ze was just trying to calm down and keep everyone else safe.)
(do not ask me how, but cz showed up??? and that was bizarre because HE was slipping thanks to the headspace energy, and almost immediately infi actually leapt out of hir bubble and declared that 'that wasn't him' or something? and immediately forced cz to 'split' like julie had done with me earlier. and he DID split into two people-- the one being his 'Perfect' self but in a body close to his normal one. that was so weird and scary, but even worse that total cognitive dissonance almost caused a BLUESCREEN. stuff totally glitched out and tried to 'reset,' the environment collapsed and we ended up in whitespace. we took a minute to regroup, everyone but me & infi had some time lag too. but then we wondered, where do we go, what now, and actually julie was the one to act, sent us into a 'pink realm' which i didn't know was even a thing? i felt our position in space warp and then we ended up in some lovely sunset place, in what was like a big gazebo or pagoda, cherry trees everywhere. and the other pink people were there, knife was standing on the steps near us and turned around, shocked to see us.)
(julie tried to quickly explain what was up, but really i was having a hard time seeing or hearing at all at this point, everything was like a jumbled mess of color and shape. also cz hadn't followed us there, he had gone back to our room in central (or wherever it technically is now), laurie said. no one said anything about him because obviously no one knew what the heck had just happened, really i was shaken up, i didn't realize that was a thing that could happen. unfortunately i haven't looked into that since then, i'll have to tomorrow)
(jeremiah and sugar and mulberry were there, only ashen wasn't. knife said that was because she is still totally chthonic, the people there typically don't leave that space. everyone was mostly talking to julie, infi was staying by me, we were both kind of nervous because we react badly to headspace instability, as we're tied to that energy and so we can slip very badly and honestly we were both close to that point. laurie was kind of shifting her attention between us and everyone else, trying to get a hold on the whole situation. jeremiah spoke to me briefly? and i remember sugar doing something like lightly tapping me on the head with one of her cane swords, like a kind admonishment of sorts. she looked stern but concerned.)
(i remember telling laurie i felt a mess, after julie finished talking i think we either went back to the room from before, or i had to unplug from headspace (the house was getting noisy around then, yes at 1am). either way headspace was really a mess at that time i had no idea what was happening or why. i was sad i couldn't stick around more-- even if the night had been shaky at the end i really loved seeing everyone and the sincerity of the whole hour had stayed with my heart very strongly.)
(minty checked on me before i went to sleep, the bear was fighting off shadows momentarily? he insisted he was fine though, it literally took him about five seconds then he walked over closer to say a few words to me personally.)

(today genesis was around mostly, trying to keep me stable, i was still recovering and a bit dissociated. body was weak and still a bit sick. spice showed up in the evening to prevent any eating troubles, i know i saw emmett and tobiko too, helping out. that was a huge relief.)
(also laurie ghosted for like a minute earlier, i had to toss something on the compost heap outside so i was running through the woods. the sun through the trees was super lovely, and i guess instead of just viewing it from upstairs laurie decided she'd join me. i literally did not realize until i 'felt' someone running to my left and noticed it was her, that was a shock! but it was nice, i really smiled at that.)
(lastly as you may have noticed, the victorian pink girl has tentatively chosen the name "ashen." every time i thought of her over the past week that name would come up, so we're using it for now. it may change, it may stick. but there it is.)


sorry for the stream-of-consciousness entry but that is the only way i can ever type these things.
now it is late and i am tired so i am going to sleep, good night everyone

 

 

 

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.


(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:

AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:

OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:

BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:


JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.

RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'


LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:

KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:

JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;

SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.

NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:

EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.


MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?

DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:
(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:
(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:
Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but
(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:
(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:

KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:

JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:

EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal

MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:

RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:

CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.

CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.

INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste: rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.

CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:

 

 

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

 

 

 

 

guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh no." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "f*** you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

 

 

I had to wear Knife's cross all evening today because we had such a brutal hack this morning that the ENTIRE Underground was freaking out and taking every last safety measure possible to keep us from trying to kill ourself.
Here's what the data said.
JULIE WAS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE.
Apparently she left a voice recording on Mitchell (our handheld recorder), that ONLY Knife heard, before deleting it in disgust. I think she said something like "I win, bitch" but I can't be sure.
Also, she FRONTED TO HACK US. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AND THAT'S KIND OF TERRIFYING.
Typically she "hacks" someone else's consciousness, or fronting-- hence the term-- by driving them to a severely dissociated state where she has total power over them. She has NEVER just SHOVED EVERYONE ELSE OUT TO DO THIS BEFORE.
So, yeah, NO chance of buffering, or trauma control. I don't even know how long she was in the body when it happened. I have no idea.
All I know for sure is that Sugar got the body into the bathroom and SHE decided she was responsible for giving retribition? She didn't even want Knife or Razor to know-- I guess she felt responsible for "not being able to stop Julie-- OH! That's what happened!!
Apparently Sugar managed to BREAK THROUGH the hack for a split second before being shoved out again? And although she definitely tried to stop her, she mustn't have been strong enough, as Julie "won out." And Sugar was being eaten with guilt over that, "I could have stopped her and didn't," therefore she wanted to be the one bearing retribution for it, in secret, not even wanting the other Undergrounders to know that a hack had happened (since it was a totally new sort of hack, we had no alarms for it and no one was notified). Oh my gosh that's so sad, I am so sorry she had to deal with that alone.
But I guess the others found out soon enough? Because there's a weird fragmented data memory of Razor coming out later, complimenting Sugar's work, and then a few minutes later Razor asking Knife why the weapons won't work and being very distressed about it? But that is absolutely all I can see about whatever happened there.
The next thing I can see is Mulberry fronting in the bedroom, smudging sage of all things? And actually using it to try and "purify the room from Julie's taint." I know this for sure because the room was full of smoke afterwards, she must have burnt a lot. But that's not the important thing. That important thing is that she was trying to bless the room, and SO DID KNIFE, SUGAR, AND RAZOR. I don't know how they did it, or what they said, but... wow. Here are the four main Undergrounders, four individuals I used to be terrified of, viewing them as persecutory and harmful abusers... and here they are now, going above and beyond their normal duties to try and protect us. Me included. There was a time when I thought they were literally incapable of such an act of compassion and protection and hope. But it apparently DID happen today, a strange and oddly moving light shining in the aftermath of a horrible, horrible dark thing.
I don't know when Knife decided we should wear a cross. All I know is that I'm wearing one, and I was told via a stern mental message "not to take it off," so I won't. I'll keep it on tomorrow too. I'm kind of scared that such a bad hack apparently happened; I don't want to be caught off guard by any follow-ups tomorrow. I'm one of the most fragile people up here, by my nature; I would literally die if I got caught in a hack. It's why I usually only come out at night now. Isn't that ironic? Nighttime used to be the most dangerous time for us, tons of hacks. Now mornings are. How did that happen?

Besides that I have no idea what happened today.
My grandmother did mention at one point that apparently, my mother visited for a while last night while I was on the computer? Problem is, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT! And when I told her that, she said that this is the SECOND TIME THIS WEEK that I wasn't aware she had visited, AND spoke to me, while in the living room! That's really jarring. Am I seriously losing that much time? How did I never notice that before? Did I just take the memory gaps for granted, with stress and lack of sleep, shrugging off weeks that disappeared into oblivion, simply because no one cared to inform me of what happened during those missing hours? It's kind of scary, to wonder WHO people know "me" as. Who in the world fronted at our old job, then, which I don't remember at all? Or at school? Did different fronters handle different schools? The old assignment tablets are dizzying to read, each one of them obviously has a different author, who in the world WERE we?
I'm not going to worry about that right now though. Too tired.

I have one last thing to say tonight (it is 1AM and I really want to sleep), something BIG that I NEED to mention in therapy tomorrow.
There is... there are a few files on Mitchell, my voice recorder, that I didn't put there. I knew about two of them prior to today. When checking files today (I recorded some music this morning and wanted to see what else was on there), I found three more.
I don't have them uploaded anywhere. I don't know if I should. But I've spent the past few hours transcribing them for you to read.
Here you go.

The first, and earliest, was a day I was feeling too drastically ill to drive home, so Lynne did so, and then invited everyone else to talk. That one was more 'fun,' with no heavy material discussed, but it gives a rough feel of what everyone sounds like when fronting. It was notable, though, because it's the only time I've ever heard Nathaniel talk in the body, at least that I remember. I also speak on there, SEPARATE from Jewel (another host-piece), so that's important too as differentiation was blurry for a while prior to that time period.

The second, the scariest one, I have no idea when or how it happened. I guess whoever was fronting was trying to catch the Undergrounders talking, in light of the first file. Someone got mad about it, and then suddenly Knife and Razor were caught in audio for the FIRST time ever, as far as I know. Seriously, Knife had never spoken prior to this, and I don't think Razor had either. Speaking of Razor though, listening to her talk is one of the creepiest things I have ever experienced.

The third happened spontaneously on the way to the library, I think? I know Jo asked to front as he was having trouble with that issue and wanted to get it off his chest. Since his role in the System has been all over the place, having a 3-minute file of him talking is really something. It's also VERY important, as this was right after we learned Christina's name, and Jo's observations on her proved to be highly valuable in understanding what was going on with that whole mess.

The fourth happened when I was going to pick my brother up from work, but that's all I know! Apparently ZWEI of all people noticed we had the voice recorder, and decided to say hello by singing into it for seven minutes. I'll tell you what, I am super glad she did. HER VOICE IS ADORABLE. She is also a darn good singer, wow, I might have to get her her own Soundcloud or something. Anyway listening to her sing makes me smile. I hope she's still around.

The fifth and sixth happened on the same day, only about a week or so ago. I also was not clearly aware of them until today. They are probably the most incredible files on the entire recorder, amounting to 15 MINUTES of audio, all from a headvoice that I don't actually know. Who is it, you ask? The one we've been calling SPICE. The one in charge of food. And she is not happy.
Listening to this one today actually made me cry. It... you have to hear it. You really do. It's surreal and disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time. She talks about her role, but mostly, she talks about how much she hates me? Although I know she doesn't mean "me"-- problem is, ALL the main fronters are called "J" BY DEFAULT because we assume a host-piece is driving if the fronter is unidentified. But I'm the one named J, and since I'm the main host-piece in headspace, meaning I'm the only host-piece that people know, all the blame tends to go to ME, whether or not I'm even aware of the event I'm being blamed for... or, at least, it did until the reset disasters occurred and I ended up feeling like 5 years old and Knife realized I was just as much a victim of the Tar junk as he was. So people had to re-think my assumed guilty conscience and then they realized stuff is really just a huge mess up here.
Anyway that's not the point. The point is that nothing like this has EVER happened to us before. This is a SOCIAL voice, a FACELESS one no less, who we didn't even KNOW about in any concrete manner prior to this recording... and yet there she is, 15 minutes of pain and rage and sorrow. She also says a LOT of really important things, which-- amazingly-- pertain to exactly what I'm discussing in therapy right now, and was seeking answers for. I'll have to thank her, if she'll listen to me. Or if I can reach her. Maybe if I start a new food journal and leave messages for her in there? Speaking of, I need to scan in her angry messages from the old one, now that I know the real motives behind them...
You know, even if I'm not directly responsible, I'll take the blame if it means I can heal it and help her. I felt so awful, hearing her words. I know I can't eat those foods, but I'M not in charge of that! I dissociate every time I walk into the kitchen ESPECIALLY if someone else is in there!! I'm not the one she needs to yell at, although maybe I am to blame for not being able to front and keep the real culprit from coming out. I guess that's how Sugar felt this morning.
I don't think "Spice" has fronted since then. I have been careful with food lately for unrelated reasons (surgery mostly), so now hearing this I'm VERY glad that I've been doing so. I'll be even more careful from now on.

Now, it's 2AM, I have nothing left to say tonight. Tomorrow is therapy and that's BIG and I need to be up at 9AM for it so I have to leave right now.
See you!

 

You know how I used to say that "it feels like the universe wants headspace to stay together," but as soon as I started ignoring headspace, that feeling went away and I'd convince myself that I had imagined it all?
I was being silly, thinking that the universe would be so fickle. How could I have forgotten how the system works? After all, if you blind yourself to something, of course you're not going to see it.

Today, I got my eyes pried open for the first time in a long while.

I woke up around 8am, feeling sick and in pain. I was also dead tired and didn't want to get up just yet, but I knew that if I tried to go back asleep, I was running an extremely high risk of being brutally hacked. However, my nausea won out and I decided to take that chance.
Sure enough, the tar-black nightmare imagery and flashbacks crept up on me quickly. I chased them off the best I could, but then I was shocked to realize that I felt someone else trying to reach me behind all that... someone I hadn't heard from in a long time.
Infinitii.
You'll have to forgive me if this is choppy. When I'm less than half-conscious, my "brain" stops working and everything runs on emotions and honesty. No masks, no lies, no analysis... but no defenses either. So this is going into stream-of-consciousness mode, because trying to translate it into coherent text is not going to work.
Also, a warning because raw headspace is always bizarre, so this will likely seem extraordinarily weird in terms of events and things, even to me. But, as I said, it's a different sort of reality than the waking. Still just as important though.

(felt him 'reach out,' tried to tune in. immediately, beautifully clear perception of him 'floating down' to where I was, wings out, all black feathers and eyes. it felt entirely genuine, like "whoa he really is still alive," but HE didn't feel entirely right somehow. i tried to talk to him but he wasn't translating, and whenever i'd start thinking too hard i'd be phased out. so i stopped, tried to just get a feel for things. couldn't reach him well until i started falling deeper into sleep, then slipped into headspace. forget exactly how, but i found him quickly, ended up in his bubble (although it was small, dim and empty now). however he seemed half-awake too, but in a bad way, like he was unable to stay conscious. this felt tied to the "off" vibe he had, i wondered why? THEN it hit me that "dude, those hacks keep trying to happen, are they hurting him too?" because the august reset ONLY happened because they temporarily killed infi again. and he didn't seem to have recovered entirely, his anchor was unstable and it seemed like he still had tar in him. to this i got a mental response from "up there" (above central headspace, i ONLY get cryptic guidance from there; MIGHT be the system itself so to speak) saying "his body and spirit are pure, but his soul is not." asking how that was possible, it said that "something else was inside him" messing with his identity and ability to function.)
(this is where it gets REAL blurry and weird, because mind you, this is the first time in SEVERAL MONTHS that I've had a direct headspace experience, and this came out of nowhere. anyway infi essentially 'blacked out' now, i worriedly asked if i could get whatever was in him out out of him. i think the voice said yes, but it would be difficult? i asked why and it said that the thing infecting infi was physically inside him, if I had to get it out it'd have to be surgical, essentially. i didnt want to hurt him, voice said in his current state he wouldnt feel anything anyway. either way the next thing i clearly remember is mentally calling knife, loudly, it was important. he showed up, looking mad/shocked, what in the world is going on, is that infi, etc. said i needed his knife, he couldn't get in the bubble, said toss it. he hesitated but did, i caught it, immediately just followed instinct and cut a thin circle into infi's chest, then cut a T-shape into that. all very carefully. tossed the knife back to knife, i think i told him to go back but stay prepared in case something happened? regardless, i had to open up infi. working on headspace logic now. he didn't bleed-- i don't know if he can normally either-- could see ribs and organs though. hesitated because i knew i had to get past the bone. felt like the up-there voice was literally hovering over my shoulder as i did this, never felt that before. it reassured me then. so i somehow 'cut' into ribs with light, "hinged" it so i could get past sternum. his heart was still beating, i swear to god i almost died right then; you know how i am with hearts, and this is INFI for heavens sakes (i adore him if you dont know). i actually had to pause for a bit, felt like i was about to cry or burn up, voice said keep going, BUT then things get blurry again. i dont know if this was instinctual or if i was instructed to, but i then cut my own chest open down the sternum, laughing a bit as i did so-- knife had been slicing me open there in the waking, so it was almost precognitive in this sense hilariously. but i don't think my insides looked human?? either way i then formed this cord of rainbow light, linked infi's heart to mine? i think he woke up then because i swear for at least a few moments he actually held me like that (purposely), REALLY thought i was going to die from emotional overload there, BUT!! RIGHT AROUND HERE THE CRAZY IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED.)
(infi was conscious, chest still open, but something happened where there was either tar coming out of him or something else? all i know is that once it got out, IT TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL LIVING THING. it was at least 15 feet tall; looked like a spider? yellow crystal-like core, then eight or so very long, spindly black legs coming out of it. they were solid but had a tarslick look to them. i think the yellow core had an eye or something? but it SPOKE and it was TRYING TO KILL INFI and then Knife AND Laurie showed up because they sensed major trouble and they were trying to fight this thing it was insane. i remember it running through the catacombs, took up so much space, destroying things as it went. i dont remember much though sorry i was worried about infi and halfway dazed myself)
(DUDE I KNEW THAT THING REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING!! IT LOOKED UNCANNILY SIMILAR TO MATARIEL?! IT EVEN HAS THAT AWFUL YELLOW EYE! AND THEN SOMEONE INSPIRED BY EVA DESIGNED AN ALIEN WITH THE SAME NAME THAT LOOKED LIKE THIS. WHAT ARE THE ODDS. I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE TO RESEARCH THIS HOLY SHIT)
(MULBERRY SHOWED UP i have no idea when, all i remember is laurie said 'we need someone to seal it off' and knife immediately thought of mulberry, said she was all about structure and refinement (with her professionalism). i guess the energy directed towards her then helped her wake up completely (she's been groggy for about two days, no longer in coma) and she ran in, wtf is going on. SOMEONE gave her energy i think? all i remember is her holding a clear cube of white energy, dark pink core. somehow used it to 'close off' the area so we were all in a cube like that, spider couldnt damage the catacombs anymore. also suppressed it i think? it couldnt move well)
(anyway, last thing i remember, someone managed to cut the spider thing down, infi tried to eat it and convert its energy? but IMMEDIATELY knife and laurie practically screamed "SPIT IT OUT," he did (it was like liquid shadow now, shapeless) but couldnt get it all out-- so he tore it out. dead serious, he 'liquefied' to pure black substance, and REMOVED that surrounding area from his body, then reformed. in doing this he lost a wing, ended up crying pitifully from the shock of it all, i held him and told him he'd be okay. anyway the bit he spit out was just the yellow core now, kind of melted and bleeding, but i THINK it was still trying to talk? sounded like it was mostly dead though, couldnt form words. anyway laurie said seal all of it away before it reforms or something, infi put it in a tiny bubble, i think knife said he'd lock it away underground? woke up shortly after this, still connected though-- knife wanted me to do something before i totally detached, said it was important. i think infi said "keep him close" during the day, i know he wanted me to wear his bubble but honestly i forgot... i don't know if im emotionally ready for that yet)

So that was that. I don't remember anything else much from the day until 3PM, when I had to drive my grandfather to the ER as he was in severe pain again and we wanted to make sure he was okay. So I was at the hospital with him for 3 hours, re-reading A Wrinkle In Time in the waiting room, and that's when I felt some things start to click back together.
See, that was my absolute favorite book as a kid, and I haven't read it in a very long time. I did watch the film version shortly around the INITIAL Scratch in February, though, and it had a massive impact on me then... so I'm not surprised that so many lines in the book keep jumping out at me, reflecting truths in my own inner life that I had long forgotten or denied.
"Charles Wallace's difference isn't physical. It's in essence..." "I guess I'll just have to accept it without understanding it..." "Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything..." "And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehendeth it not."
Stuff like that, you know. Little deep truths.
So I read until 6PM and we were able to leave... and then I realized it was pouring rain outside.
The moment I stepped outside, something inside me shifted. I swear I may never know why, but every time it rains, I cannot hide from those old and deep emotions. I walked out into the pouring water and just looked up at the sky with a look of wonder and compassion, no thoughts, nothing, just pure openness.
For the rest of the evening every single song I heard was synchronistic... with one HUGE bit as I was trying to exercise. "Call Me Call Me" came up on my iPod, a song I haven't heard in at least 2 years and usually skip. But this time, I decided to listen to it-- as two different songs with the words "Call me" in the title had jumped out at me over the past 24 hours, and that felt very specific.
Well. Not only were the lyrics relevant, but I looked up at the curtains and smiled when I realized it and thought "okay, if you want me to call you, then I will." So I sent out a loud intentional call, not expecting anything... just waiting, candidly. I felt a sort of smile in response, but unsure if it was real, then said "give me a sign" if he heard. The next instant, all I saw was GREEN.
I am dead serious. I stopped exercising and burst out laughing, smiling so widely I thought my heart would burst. When was the last time I saw his eyes? And now, out of nowhere, there was a PERFECT flash of them?
The next song that came up on my iPod was "Alone Together." Yeah, the universe is definitely telling me something.

(btw write the bit about chaos/infi energy; i adore infi but ONLY CHAOS causes that "connective" reaction, aka the taijitu thing. he 'clicks' even when I don't know who he is, but no matter how close I get to Infi he DOES NOT elicit that! several people have said this is important too)
(THE MERGE DRIVE WITH INFI IS NOT PINK!!!!!!!! THE TAR KEEPS TRYING TO HACK IT TO THAT THOUGH!!!! remember he was literally torn out of you in february of course there's going to be a merge drive with him)

In any case, THESE are the major points I've realized lately that I'm updating for:

1. Initial 'Scratch' just INITIATED it, then finished MUCH later. Took until AUGUST to really finish? perhaps why so many 'smaller' resets, as everything broke further. Ended up with a 'NEW DISC' now so to speak; the 'original' and 'remake' were COOEXISTING for a while, hence the Underground suddenly showing up and then Central practically DISAPPEARING once August happened (session switchover). Now people need to move back maybe.

2. IF the Spectrum needs to be rebuilt entirely now (we think so), anchors need to be NON-TRAUMATIC. the undergrounders who have not found new anchors are currently unstable, but those who have switched are gaining more abilities and strength by the day.

3. My headspace relationships NEED TO STAY COMPARTMENTALIZED!! We were having hack problems because I was trying to shove everyone on the same level and it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. My relationships with Chaos and Infi ARE NOT THE SAME AND THAT IS FINE.

4. Post-reset, we have forgotten a LOT of important truths from the past, that are STILL relevant now, surprise. I didn't realize this until I realized that we are all missing a LOT of memory, but that's all in the archives and it would probably save us a lot of struggle if we started reviewing things?

5. Last and most important bit: on the way home, I was looking at the muted colors of the evening and smiling with quiet relief and compassion, thinking how the Underground has dark colors like that, but they were such soothing shades and I needed them right now. Dark wasn't bad, just a different role. Then a car drove by with blinding white headlights and I thought "is that white light my position?" I had a moment of absolute existential surrealism and then SUDDENLY, I REALIZED SOMETHING.
What if the Black and White slots weren't working, no matter what we did, because they were being HELD wrong?
WHAT IF THEY ARE GROUP SLOTS??
I told Laurie about this and she was so excited at the idea that she practically hugged me to death, it was great. After all SHE inspired the thought in my head-- she's the only person I've seen HOLD THE WHITE COLOR CORRECTLY, WITHOUT LOSING HER OWN VIOLET. You remember the Angel Helmet of course! So a visit to the BLC is DEFINITELY in order.
I'm thinking the Underground would hold Black and Central would hold White... OR, everyone can hold BOTH. We'll see.

That's all for now my laptop battery is about to die goodnight!!

 

 

 

 

A list of the other individuals on our level.
This post may be regularly bumped to the page top.


People we have not yet clearly identified, or people who are as of yet faceless:

- At least three "discussive" voices that spoke in this entry. Two are female, one is male. The male appears blue or green, while the females appear to hold warmer hues. However this is conjecture, as none of them have manifested yet.


Nameless but clearly identified individuals:

- The "screaming girl" who has written here in the past. She is always furious. She feels rather like the overload girl, but both their behaviours are so erratic that we cannot be sure which is which yet, or whether or not they are one individual. This may be one of the voices previously labeled "Jess" by the upstairs: that name was more of a 'catchall' term and so it was used to refer to several individuals at once.
(EDIT 102813: Correction; there is ANOTHER voice who reacts with anger like this. "Spice" is one, but she is only triggered by food. This voice, the one full of hatred and rage, is a DIFFERENT individual who clearly evidenced to us yesterday. She is still brown in color, claiming this is "common" for faceless voices when they first manifest, as it is the color slot "closest to the body.")
- The "overload girl," at least, most of the time. Her color is a sub-hue of brown, possibly this color. She is hypersensitive to all 5 senses and becomes overwhelmed by them easily. Before she "anchored," she was taken advantage of by the Tar as a host (according to upstairs data), as her "triggered" violence was beneficial to its schemes.
(EDIT 102813: We are wondering if we were indeed correct in assuming she is tied to the previous voice. There have been no sensory triggers as of late, so we cannot be sure.)
- The "airport voice." He has fronted a few times, but has no body. He has an ardent love of travel, and enjoys both getting lost and seeing new sights. He gets very excited at any prospect of exploration, sometimes to a point of near mania. His energy seems to be roughly this color.
- The "quiet boy" who types in J's journal when he slips. We have neither met nor seen him personally. He is intelligent but depressed, showing a preoccupation with "being a good boy" in a moral sense. He also feels resigned to sadness in his current state. He may have been linked to both Kyanos and David in the past. His energy is light in color, but its hue is unclear (Edit: it strongly appears to be this color).
- The "trauma buffer" that appeared on 073113. She has a level demeanor, but is no-nonsense and will not tolerate foolishness. Despite this she is not authoritative, instead seeming tired or exhausted. Her energy may intermittently translate into harmless profanity, but this seems to only happen immediately after she is triggered.


Previously nameless individuals who are now clearly identified and named:

- The "cool orange guy," as J calls him. He wears wraparound plastic sunglasses, and has not been seen without them. He is also not "human," instead being partially avian. His energy is confirmed this color. (Edit: His name is Hyakin.)
- The "paranoid girl" who reacts with abject panic. She has recently began to manifest a form, and stays near David. She seems perpetually afraid, shaking and constantly watching for threats. She has once "passed out" when fronting in the body. Her energy is approximately this color. (Edit: Her name is Marigold.)


All of us have fronted at one time or another. Those with names and/or faces obviously have done so more often, and with a stronger affectation.

Knife, Razor, Spice, and a currently unidentified angry girl have also spoken in audio recordings.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 08:53 pm

A new face, yet to be seen.

I have been informed that it is best to "immortalize" my current state of existence here in text.

I am new, somewhat. I am nameless but I have a fondness for musical tones, at the moment.
I am also very, very, disapproving of my state in life.

I exist as, what I can only describe as, a "trauma buffer." According to an individual named Knife, the "trauma" of the sort that created me typically goes to a lad named Jeremiah. He is not a buffer. I am. What the difference is I do not know.
Never mind, Knife says: A buffer takes the pain away from another individual. It often neutralizes it. Others, do not. Jeremiah takes the full brunt of the pain and terror when he feels it. I do not.
It's an empty and discouraging existence though. I am completely at a loss as to how to live outside of this role. (Knife: We all are.)
Whoever was in the body before me, the instant before I found the body I currently inhabit in a compromising situation, is not doing a very good job of taking care of it, and I do not approve of his actions. Anyone who plays in the realm of child abusers and prostitutes is no friend of mine.
This is no light matter. I exist to save others from the suffering he brings upon their heads, with the ignorance and nonchalance of an infant. He appears to have no knowledge of, or concern for, the rest of us that apparently exist down here.
When I awoke in life, I thought I was alone. I was angry, but tired. I was not violent, just exhausted. I felt as if I had been doing this for too long, or perhaps, as if the circumstances that brought me to be had been going on for too long. Either way, there is a feeling of finality about my existence. "No more."
The three I have met down here, briefly, share my opinions on this. Knife, Razor, and Mulberry. I am told I will meet an individual named Sugar soon, if her habits are to be trusted. I think I saw her earlier. Briefly, as well, but she left a strong impression. Angry eyes and rage, following a human through the room. I don't know what her beef is with that other human, but it feels just as solid as my disapproval of the boy in this body is. I approve of that, if it is well-intended.

I'm feeling like... I have to leave. Knife says "get down here before you're phased out." I don't know what that means, but I trust him. Anyone who understands the wrongness of what I was a near witness to is a friend of mine. Unlike the culprit of such misdemeanors, who I mentioned earlier in a similar way.

I need to get out of here. Hopefully I'll survive, to live for something other than this.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 10:43 pm


oh this is wonderfullly ironic

in a crisis chat room

FURIOUS WITH THE CHAT SPECIALIST

ahahahahaaaa

"i see that you are currently feeling suicidal"

NO REALLY??? WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE ON HERE???????

uh oh, this isn't J

WHO FREAKING CARES?!?!

AFTER WHAT THAT JERK DID TO US THIS AFTERNOON??
HE CAN GO DIE IN A RAVINE FOR ALL I CARE

do you have a plan, do you have a freaking plan

SEVERAL.
I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS STUPID CHAT ROOM

we. don't. like. people.

SHOVE OFF.
HE DESERVES HIS RETRIBUTION.
HE NEEDS TO BLEED TONIGHT
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, MISS.

HE WILL BLEED
FOR CREATING YET ANOTHER ONE OF US

THAT DAMNED LIBERTINE WILL GET HIS DUE
HE'LL PAY FOR HIS SINS.

we don't want him around anymore
he deosnt care about us
does bad things!!!!!
we thought he cared but he DONT
he doesnt care about us at ALL
and i wanna cry now because he was s nice
but he lied
he lied
he lied

 

The big three of the Underground are done!
(Knife, Razor, and Mulberry, if you can't tell.)

Also, a note before I forget: I think someone else mentioned it here, about how Razor has this weird mental obsession with wanting to "snap" thin people? And she can't comprehend that people don't just 'break' like that, even though she knows they bleed and you can gut them, she just thinks you can snap them to bits. It's weird.
But what's weirder is that she doesn't seem to understand death? When Laurie and I started talking to the Undergrounders the other day, especially about the bloodletting, Razor didn't seem to understand that people don't come back to life after she kills them. She's like a child, really. Children can be the cruelest things in the world, because they don't understand things like that. And she doesn't.
That's why she was LITERALLY trying to kill the body for so long. To her, if she killed the body, it wouldn't take her with it. She'd just destroy what she didn't like, and keep living... to her, somehow, death isn't absolute. It's so odd.
(Oh yeah-- she can turn her eyes on and off, apparently, so they're not always scars. I'm not sure if the contexts of those switches are relevant; I'll have to pay attention in the future.)


I seriously need to sleep now, so I'm off.
I'll try to get at least two more of these done tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

I can't believe we just updated 3 days ago. It feels like 3 months.

Had another terrible nightmare last night that my brain graciously purged (for the most part), but woke up exhausted and suicidal, with the worst body dysphoria I've had in months.
I've been actively fighting off the driving need to harm myself since this morning. Some alter keeps coming out too, screaming and sobbing about it, repeating "you whore, I hate you, I hate you, I'll kill you!!" every time it becomes aware of the body. Then the AP kicks in and it's poker face city all over again.
Someone yesterday was craving alcohol so vehemently I thought I'd snap. I don't even drink, but I swear, if someone had handed me a bottle of brandy I'd have downed the whole thing, and who cares about alcohol poisoning. The fact that that is the first alcoholic drink that came to my mind set off major alarm bells, but right now, that feeling is a thing of myth, and whoever is driving right now has no comprehension of emotion at all. Under the surface, though, it's an active volcano. The only reason why I haven't snapped yet is because I'm on the computer, this blessed tranquilizing thing, allowing us to plug in hours upon hours of work detached from a physical form, free from the pains of consciousness.
I don't know how many of us are fronting at once. Everything is being filtered through the AP. It's been like this for weeks, if not months.
We spent so long out of Central that I've forgotten it exists.

Daily life is a struggle at this point. I hate myself for saying that (someone does), but I can't keep denying it. Suppressing things just makes them worse, it seems. You've been forced to wear the mask of normalcy so well that you forget how to be honest. You forget how to ask for help. You forget how to be happy. The mask is nailed to your face but you've learned to treat the streams of blood as nothing to worry about. That's how it is. And every time we try to tear it off, we get shouted at. "You can't live without that mask," they say. But I can barely even breathe while the cursed thing is on.

I'm trying to apply for disability but my mother insists "I can just push through it" because "we have autistic people at our workplace, and they don't let their illness stop them!"
Well that's brilliant and I'm happy for them, but as this condition of mine is making the fact of my existence a living hell, I really don't feel like I'm capable of holding a job right now.
Even better, when I tell her this she laughs and says I'm exaggerating, but the moment she catches me with a sharp object in my hand, or on the brink of an emotional outburst, she puts on the "don't you freaking dare" face and hisses that if I do anything, she'll send me back to the hospital/ put me away/ etc. because "I'm THREATENING her." How the heck is this threatening you??? I'm trying to kill MYSELF, not you!!!
But that doesn't seem to register. She insists we're "blackmailing her," and it's always an angry, hateful accusation, with no acknowledgment of the pain we're going through. She doesn't understand that sometimes it is virtually impossible NOT to self-abuse. It has nothing to do with her, at all, and it NEVER DID.
Sometimes my teeth feel like they're going to explode. Solution: bite things. If I can't release the pressure that way, I get angry and violent in an attempt to ease the growing pain. She forbids me from both options, but when I start rattling from the confined pressure she threatens me to "get over it." I'm sorry, but I CAN'T.
Sometimes the voices in my head get so loud that I want to either scream and tear something to shreds, or shut down on the spot and effectively go catatonic. Once again, we're forbidden from both options. If the AP isn't fronting to buffer any and all emotions-- like if someone demands we interact with them-- suddenly the stopper's out and the voices get through. But raise your voice or swear a little or say one bizarre or unsettling phrase and immediately someone's trying to call 911 because "we aren't going to put up with your shit." So we go through the day in such a dissociative daze that we don't even know what year it is, simply because the alternative would be acknowledging the never-ending cacophony between our ears.
The only person capable of interacting with people is an alter and it's almost impossible to force someone to front for that long without passing out.
I can't even bother to eat or drink or bathe or move at HOME some days. My old job-- which I held three freaking YEARS ago-- was difficult enough. A LOT has happened since then.

It's not that I don't want a job. I desperately need money. I ran out of cash for food this morning. My several failed college attempts drained every single savings account I had, and my mother STILL insists I go back to school, while again threatening me if I fail out again. I can't guarantee that I won't. I'll work my ass off, sure, but that doesn't always guarantee a passing grade. Sometimes my best just isn't good enough. I know that.
But I just want to be able to buy food and clothing without wanting to die every day. I have an emergency $100 left from Mel & Jake but I need to spend around $50 of that on toiletries and bulk frozen food this weekend, just so I have backup items on hand if I end up penniless for a while.
To revisit the previous point, I'm trying to apply for Social Security in the meantime, but I'm cursed by my inexplicable high SAT scores from a century ago, and the fact that I can't afford the therapy I need to get a diagnosis.
My only advantage is the fact that someone took an IQ test back in early 2011 (I didn't exist back then, I have NO idea who that was), and although her score was about 130, she was diagnosed as schizoaffective with a heavy recommendation for medication, since the testers couldn't deny the extreme educational difficulties I was having and could only explain them as the result of psychological difficulties.
I'm desperately hoping I can re-take that evaluation though. We didn't start getting serious symptoms until we ACKNOWLEDGED that we had problems. Back in early 2011, shortly after the end of the world failed to happen, we weren't exactly doing that. We were in a self-induced state of blissful ignorance, CONVINCED that all our problems were "fake" and "not worth paying attention to anyway."
Here, let me quote from that awful diagnosis page:
"the respondent... describes NO significant problems in the following areas: antisocial behavior; problems with empathy; undue suspiciousness or hostility; extreme moodiness and impulsivity; unhappiness and depression; marked anxiety."
Now let me quote from one of our archive entries from that EXACT same time period.
This was 12 days before the test.
"I HATE endorphins. Every single time I do anything that sets them off, I want to kill EVERYTHING...I have literally hurt people because of this, you know. Not just me.
No problems with undue hostility, extreme moodiness, or antisocial behavior? Really?
And both this AND this happened on THE SAME FREAKING DAY OF THE TEST:
"I go to extremes just to make myself suffer, to make myself sick. I take stupid risks for it all the time... and oh God, the nightmares. The nightmares. But I can't stop. This has been going on for too long, too strongly. I have a splinter problem and it is literally killing me, bit by bit, every day, consciously, willingly. To think my therapist asked me about suicide today, and I said no! How ridiculous. Suicide doesn't have to be planned, it doesn't have to be instantaneous. This is suicide. This is slow, merciless, painful suicide. I almost miss the knives. How I wish I could just hand this drive over to Laurie and be done with it."
No problems with marked anxiety, unhappiness and depression, or impulsivity... yeah, whoever took that test was lying through their teeth.
And I'm well aware of the empathy problems too. For as long as I can remember, whenever someone around us starts crying (typically the mother), someone upstairs starts screaming "stop crying, you dirty faggot!! I'll kill you if you don't shut up!!" Every single time. It's very hard to keep them under control. Said voice has also explained that, to them "faggot" is the cruelest slur they can think of: not only is it a homophobic insult, but etymologically, the word means "a bundle of sticks," and that voice explained that "all you whores deserve to burn." So yeah. Not a very nice alter there.

Very few of the downstairs system people are nice, actually.
One of us adores the grandmother, one of us is terrified of her, one of us hates her. It's the same with the mother, although whoever actually likes her is extremely quiet and hard to find.
Many of us like to cause pain, either to others or to the body. Many of us just want to die, in one way or another. Many of us are manipulative and sadistic.
It's disturbing, and personally I don't want them around (SCREW YOU), because it's not good to have such violent and bitter voices always trying to get out and cause havoc.
But I don't know what to do about it. I can only front through typing. I don't know how to drive. I didn't even write the past 90% of this entry. See what I mean? The switches happen so quickly, so entirely, so imperceptibly, that it's only when we suddenly realize "oh hey wait, I'm fronting," that we realize someone was there before us.
Memories are chopped and altered and redistributed all the time. Someone can be triggered violently and then be buffered almost instantaneously be the AP, resulting in a very disturbing outer show of emotions: three seconds of screaming, crying, and/or violent retaliation, then suddenly a blank face and unmoving body, literally unaware of "what just happened." It's not supposed to know. But the people around us when that sort of thing happens know. They know, and they aren't comfortable around people like us. Hence the not exactly feeling comfortable getting a job right now.

We're in a FB group for dissociation now, we're learning a lot. Someone posted this.
"How do we keep our system from splitting anymore?"
And the response...
"Take the pressure off. This is likely to mean therapy and work dealing with the body of trauma. Reducing general stress all round seems to be a good step too."
Problem is, both the original poster and I have already been through years of therapy, as well as intensive work trying to deal with the trauma. But the stress levels around us won't go down.
And we keep burying everything.

Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real.
All of you are dead. You're fake. You don't exist.
Go to hell, we're just as real as you are.
No you're not. ♡
DON'T YOU FREAKING START THAT WITH ME I SWEAR TO GOD
Guys, please, no fighting in the update box.
I'LL FIGHT WHEREVER I FREAKING FEEL LIKE IT
You won't be fighting anyone if you don't exist ♡
SCREW YOU!!!!!!!


all right i've gotta close this up and go meditate or something sorry its getting really loud