the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

another quick update, faster than a phone, because it's almost 1am and life has been a trip

dyspnea tonight. not sure why. it was gone for weeks and then within the past few days it's been back. not sure if it's because of the smoke outside or what, or if it's our body struggling to readjust to exertion after the jademonth, but either way it's back and it makes us twice as tired and dissociated because hey, feeling like you're slowly suffocating will do that.

anyway. important notes for today.

first, the "misdreavus effect."
remember there was this one day, way back in 2001, where jewel was playing silver version and was in mount silver, for like two solid hours, trying to find a misdreavus because she loved them... and then she suddenly realized, wait a second. they only come out at night.
well.
apparently there are nousfoni that do the same.
it completely shocked us. it was one of those lineups of circumstance that could not be planned or even expected, because it's not something we ever would have guessed could do something. like a really bizarre easter egg in a game.
we were moved by grace and penance to say ALL our night prayers tonight, the full hour. we'll talk more about that in a bit. but when we went over to the prayer rugs to say the wall set, it was too dark to see without putting a light on, and someone had the idea to grab that little sticky-button light from the drawer and use that as illumination. the thing is, that light has four color settings, and white was too bright, so we switched it to green.
and INSTANTLY we had 2009 SPATIAL FLASHBACKS.
we had forgotten that we used a green lightbulb during that time. and the literal life-feeling of that SLAMMED into us. we had to change the light color because it was messing with our temporal awareness that bad.
the blue light setting didn't do the same, because it was just slightly leaning indigo and that made it a different hue from the bulb we had during that same jayce-house period.
anyway. that's one note. there's very little memory for it because it shook us up so bad, triggering dissociation and memory failure.
HOWEVER. because of its disorientating effects, when we "came back" and still had to pray, the only way to override the inevitable worsening of flashbacks would be to have someone unrelated to that era front.
that's when it got interesting.
we didn't realize that foni can be illumilocked, as it were. trying to invent jargon on the fly. timelocked foni are well-known, those whose anchors are fused to actual chronological spans, to specific years or months or eras. but for a foni to only be able to front, or exist, AT a certain time of day-- or rather, as it even more shockingly seems, in certain contexts of luminosity-- is a new revelation, although unsurprising in principle. dark and light feel SO different, and in trauma history, certain things ONLY happen in the dark, or in the light. and day/night cycles don't necessarily affect this: you have all heard of the redlight lemur-foni in the bathroom that adelaide found. same with ashen only being triggered with the fluorescent light and closed doors. it's all about the context of the light source. it's fascinating. change that, even a little bit, and you completely shift the resonance, and therefore whether or not any foni will resonate with it at all. the specificity of triggers never ceases to amaze me, both in their existence and their effects. they can't be falsified or even guessed at. when they hit, they hit like a bomb to the brain.
anyway, this isn't the time to ramble and theorize, we're too tired. point is, it happened.
i know a few of us in the "day crew" were trying to front, but it was unusually difficult. maybe it was the green light doing it, because we turned it back on out of morbid curiosity, as it was putting that background hum of historical fear into our brain. we've prayed at night before, with white light, and nothing happened. but this green... it shook things up.
julie tried to front, i remember, and that was the turning point. when she moved into the body, but felt that old fearbuzz, she couldn't front, because she was afraid HERSELF, not in sympathetic response. she was scared of whatever in herself that green-dark was triggering. so she bailed.
and freakin' LEANNE SHOWED UP.
listen. she hasn't been seen in years. but when she moved in, not only did i KNOW it was her-- you never forget a foni's vibe once you've felt it, and her magenta hue is unmistakable-- but in such quick succession of fronting, in tangible space, i could FEEL the difference between julie, who is apparently lightlocked, and leanne, who is darklocked. there is a completely different base note to their energy which is AMAZING to suddenly have the experiential knowledge to distinguish. couldn't do that if i didn't know there WAS a feeling-shift to discern.
no sign of the jabberwock by the way. they might have died with most of the other daemons.
on that note we still don't know WHY chocoloco has survived. perhaps he was never a daengel to begin with, which honestly wouldn't surprise me. he just got lumped in with them because he's so freakin' bizarre. maybe he's a 'prototype' in some way. but i won't theorize so emptily. that only causes false ideas. i have to sit and feel things out with knowledge and memory to back it up, and now is not the time, nor am i equipped at all what with all the memory loss and locks we're still grappling with.
anyway. illumilocking. julie can't front in the dark?? actually could she EVER??? all the memories we have of the julie days-- and they are few, but horrifying-- involve her abusing us IN LIT ROOMS, either daylight or fluorescence.
when the night hacks began, the era had shifted, remember? she was still the hacker queen, but there was so much else going on, so many others working in her stead. we need to review those memories now that we know there's stuff to look for.
but. when julie fled from fronting today, that significant action "lit up a key note" in our head-- again, scrabbling at makeshift jargon here based on feeling; it's like a "new message" light on a phone, but also push-pinning something to the staff bulletin board, or hearing a single "ding" note like a code being called in a hospital; something calling a THOUGHT to attention, "attend to this, do not let this slip by, do not shove it under the rug, pursue this if possible"-- and the unstated order was, run this course. push the envelope. keep poking it with a stick. see what happens.
we continued praying, not commenting on the event or realization, but it was held by that pseudojewel "watcher" and it was a tickertape in our subconscious. so we watched too. sugar tried to front next, BUT although she felt like she could if she wanted, that garish green light (the key!!) was unnerving, and reminded HER of those old days, that awful 2015 era, so SHE left too. there was a bit of front-jostling here, as the prayer was being automated inbetween which was equally disorienting, but people couldn't say their typical prayers in this weird environment so it was defaulting. all i remember is laurie trying to come out for hers, BUT her resonance caught the light and LANCIFOLIEL SHOWED UP.
that was enlightening, pun intended. it hit 'me' that what seemed to be happening with her and julie, was that the systemind was yanking out foni with similar resonances or anchors to "substitute" for whoever had just been bounced or bailed thanks to the green. it was a kneejerk, almost instinctive action on our mind's part, something triggered by FEAR, almost a survival response. "this person left but someone NEEDS to front or we're in danger, so someone else NEEDS to take their place NOW." and it kicks out whoever is immediately accessible, which in such a context, would apparently be 1) someone with a close enough resonance TO be shoved out so fast and 2) someone who is darklocked. at least, in this situation.
might change that jargon if it proves incorrect btw. "locked" may not be true. IF people like lancifoliel & leanne CAN front in daylight situations, then we'll change the term to match.
but back to the update. lancifoliel hasn't fronted in years either, from what i can remember. and she's NEVER fronted this clearly. again, no idea why this vague terror-haze mental environment was ALLOWING these longlost foni TO be there, other than the fact that they have darker anchors and potentially NEED such environments in order to front, or even be found. again, we're going to investigate this further in the future.
but lanci was out. her hair is reminiscent of laurie's, but with much wider and smoother "spikes," all that dark vermilion, with black streaks. oddly it feels like awareness data was behind her head, and outside for the most part. same with leanne. we can't "get into their heads" even when they're in ours, not yet at least. again, it's understandable, but fascinating. so we can see the back of their heads, and get a bit of "innersensory" data on their hair (always an anchorpoint), and their vibe, but... not much else. no kinesthetic data. no eyes. no voice memory. all of that would require stronger fronting, more time, and deeper familiarity.
interestingly too, both lanci and leanne felt like they weren't choosing to front. they were being put there. they weren't really aware, either, of themselves or us, not heavily so-- there was a notable lack of "selfness" in their recorded fronting data. like they were half asleep. but they were there!

last bit, adding this later as we forgot...
after lanci left, razor moved in for her prayer (the "if we die today" one). after her was wreckage. after her was knife. after him was siobhan. all of them fronted with no problem. honestly i would say they almost felt more comfortable, in a sad way, in that context? like not a "soft" comfortable, nothing relaxing or resting, but instead a feeling of "ah yes, this is familiar. this is what i am used to. this is what i am meant for." it had an edge, even a bit of sadness, but there was an odd smile, too. "this is where i belong," at least in terms of where and how they were born. it was very bittersweet. but they ALL had it, and the foni like julie & laurie DIDN'T. but leanne & lancifoliel did. different, just slightly, but that "base note" was there again. the similar resonance. the traumabuzz in the back of the skull, echoed in that green light.
so that's important too. there are little distinctions we never knew before, because we never were aware of the contrasting data. we only saw, or felt, one side, if any.
thank You God for this, actually. this is what makes us feel alive. even frightening things. if it brings our hearts into clearer vision, into stronger feeling, into deeper unity and awareness, then we will take it gladly from Your Hands and embrace it totally.
we just want to live together, all of us, again. there is so much love here. even in the scary days. even when we feel lost and angry and afraid and empty and confused. at the very bones of it, in the very blood of us, deep down at the absolute core of everything we are, there is love. only love. always love. and thank God for that. thank God for us. no matter what. 



okay, we're starting to get dissociated and sick from... something. up too late? no idea. weird emotions moving in. feeling front slipping. simeon at the ready, hello! moving into a different space of headspace. different place in the head.
gotta hard shift here
still things to type can we get autopilot on this, is that possible, do we still have one, him, someone conscious?
no too detached. won't work for data like this. stored in different places

who was typing

second point. let's get this done quickly but importantly
BEFORE all that, actually, we were praying at the altar. memory picks up when we were saying the prayer cards, because they usually take ~20m and part of our brain was exhausted and wanting to skip them (there's always a ton of emotional interference around prayer, due to mental exhaustion). that "watching" nonself-awareness saw/felt this and the wordless thought was put out, "we need people who can pray." and it reached in to clumsily nudge JOPHAEL out. "can he do this" basically.
surprisingly, he could NOT???? apparently his job is more tied to church?? so the "watcher" instead called VEIL out to front.
two things.
one, i have NO IDEA how the "watcher awareness" can do this. "she" has a minimal sense of self, with no ability to front or exist as a person, but she acts as a sort of databank with exorbitant privileges concerning them. we need to investigate her at some point too.
two, apparently there are a LOT more foni than we thought, but just as much as we NEED, because remember back in 2015 although things were literal hell we were paradoxically learning how to FUNCTION in the midst of it all, arguably better than ever in some cases, and that was because we were LIVING FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, and EVERYONE HAD A JOB.
and watcher-girl is apparently able to feel the "job vibe" needed, and almost blindly reach in to fish out somebody close to it.
so veil was pushed out. again, her sense of selfhood is very different from that of a centralite. i think this has to do with what level of "headspace" they exist on; foni on the body level tend to have far less of a solid self-awareness than those on the heart or head level. even so, with enough time spent fronting, it can increase-- but if you really want a lower-level foni to gain self-awareness in a pinch, get them talking to the upstairs gang. nothing boosts consciousness moreso than communication. unfortunately this can backfire with some foni, such as lotophagoi and "damaged ones"-- we need jargon here too-- solely because the more trauma they hold, or exist to live within, the more forbidden selfhood is, and any spark of such awareness can kill them. it has happened before.
anyhow. veil is still a solid violet hue, still the same physical appearance too-- lovely arabic nose, dark almond skin, surprisingly heavy eyelashes. BUT there was a surprise with her function: as she was praying, she felt a strange dissonance between praying to jesus or asking for mary's intercession? she was getting pushed into the former at the expense of the latter. like something in our subconscious was hyperfeminizing her, to the point of misandric tendencies. which is bizarre and very unlike us. however this upset her and she felt genuinely distressed-- again, selfhood!!-- and ASKED God to fix that. "fix me," she prayed. something like, "make me someone who isn't like that." and instantly, almost imperceptibly, there was a shift??? her appearance changed from just a feminine foni wearing a veil to that of a nun. like now she had a habit! but still violet of course. anyway with this appearance shift, she now felt no dissonance with prayer. so that was notable. had to write that down.
jophael, for the record, seems to be more oriented towards church than private prayer? his entire vibe data feels broader, more outward. also still unsure if he vibes yellow or amber, technically. feels hovering at the moment. we'll check it better soon when we're not so fuzzybrained from being up this late.
last important note. as we prayed the cards, we were getting "colors" from some of them? like subtle synaesthesia. not sure why. but it pushed veil out as it "no longer matched her." and as the systemind fumbled to find someone who could pray, it found two people. first was a completely new monk foni, like saint francis, wearing a simple soft-brown habit with warm brown eyes and a scrap of beard, but with such a loving heart; oh my goodness his vibe was so lovely, and he prayed with such simple ardent sincerity. second was PATRICIA???? i think??? not christina; they're sisters but chrissy has that "prissy" vibe unfortunately, or at least she used to. it's been so long since we've seen either of them, the only immediate distinguishing note is their color-- patricia leans purple, christina leans violet, and that distinction is tangible. unfortunately i can't catch any data on that from tonight, as it was such a sudden and shallow switch, i don't even know if they were able to stay to pray, but the point is one of them was pinged. is that the proper jargon? they were pushed out to front, but only because their resonance was pinged, like "ah yes, there you are, someone that matches, out you go." like a "match found!" light going on when searching data keys. something along those lines.

LAST BIT. again adding later as i almost forgot.
julie was on bodycare duty tonight, and at one point she suddenly "alarmed" the upstairs for help because there had almost been a HACK?????? apparently she had moved the body a certain way, just a brief moment, and that (again) hyperspecific action almost BLACKED OUT THE BODY and would have caused a HACK.
she was terrified, and both jay and laurie were on immediate call to help her, but julie said it was okay, she was okay, she just felt that huge and horrifying risk and needed to tell us.
...
that is genuinely scary as hell. we didn't think hacks could happen anymore, not since we got out of cnc. but... our stay in upmc reactivated the dream hacks, and we have been having them ever since (curse this weight gain), so... potentially i guess a literal hack could happen, if we were trauma-dissociated enough? i know there ARE still hackers, which is TERRIFYING to realize, but it's true. i've seen them. i don't know how or why they still exist. maybe just because of unprocessed trauma. maybe because they're holding everything infi used to swallow entire, poor wretched thing. but i can't think about that right now.
just... be careful. please. without infi, i have no idea what would happen, if something that bad happened. we haven't had a "new era" in a very very long time, we still don't know what the heck the tar and plague are doing... don't risk anything. please be careful. i still say hacks are impossible, but... when our consciousness is compromised, hell can break loose. and if julie felt a risk THAT strongly... that honestly scares me to death. be careful. please. be careful.



but yes. big takeaways from all this:
1. there are a LOT more religious foni than we realized, again this is not surprising at all but we just never thought to look.
2. we ARE hyperspecific and THANK GOD because this is the ONLY way we're going to be functional again.
3. be very aware of just how specific triggers can be, or have to be, in order to trigger out foni. we cannot predict this.
4. SUBCATEGORIES. when we're apparently this specialized, we need rolebanks for reference.
5. JARGON IS NEEDED BUDDY
6. SPECTRUM HUES. sorry about all the capslock. but we NEED to feel them out, get their vibes solid, find their realms, so any and all "new" foni CAN PROPERLY ANCHOR INTO THEM.
7. we're not as dead as we thought. go through the censuses. find us.


we'll update more tomorrow, god willing. this was imperative for tonight.
there is SO MUCH to type about concerning the jademonth and our coping or lack thereof, but that's going to take several hours if not several days worth of entries. nevertheless, it must be done. we're reeling and now it's JULY which means we're gonna get A LOT OF FLASHBACKS and i can feel them creeping in around the edges already.
considering redoing the chizu + saint ann week, to see what that does to our brain, now that the system has reawakened. gotta have a safety net first though, the last thing we need is to ironically wake up whatever or whoever was wrecking the rest of our life at that point.

archiving has been on pause for obvious schedule death reasons. also trauma avoidance. we're at 2017 and we are NOT READY to face that at all.
"jay" is still mourning infi on a daily basis, and chaos 0 is still an emotional hurricane over everything with them, and today is the 12th anniversary of the pink event, which was a literal hinge date for our history. i don't even know if that entry is public, oh wait yes it is. that xanga where laurie had to talk him out of suicide for like twelve solid hours. i know no one looked at anything for today because no one is ready to do so. man we're tired of averting our eyes from our own life. we need to just sit and read everything and remember that WE EXIST.
good news, we have one appointment with a local counseling center next month, and several phone numbers bookmarked to call for potential therapists. but we need to get help. our symptoms are getting... distressing.
someone had a baby crying in the hall today and we were actively slamming drawers and seething just to abate the misophonic ragefear so we wouldn't hurt ourselves. yeah we forgot misophonia was a thing, we were googling our symptoms the other day and bam, there it was. also apparently we DO have some subtle schizophrenia symptoms??? have to check that again but nothing obsessive, honestly i don't want to know ANYTHING about the dsm-v or whatever, i just want us to get into therapy and see what the professionals say. i want to go in blind, with just us. everything else is infectious and potentially corruptive. i don't want any vocabulary or comprehension but our own. if something is a symptom, i don't want to know! not unless we're sitting in the shrink's office. but yeah. the glimpses we've seen suggest a LOT more going on than we would ever have guessed, so we do want to get thorough help once the pros help us figure out what's actually going on here.

but. final note. most important thing.
in the end, therapy/ counseling/ whatever is only being pursued in order to lessen the "danger" level of our symptoms; less rage, less violence, less compulsions, less delusions if we have them. things like that. we want to be able to function on a daily basis without seething meltdowns and self-abusive paroxysms and numb-state abysses and the like. we want to be able to FEEL EMOTIONS other than terror, wrath, and unbearable flashes of grief. we want to be able to love again. we want to be able to live AS A SYSTEM and i am telling you right now, if ANY therapist so much as hints at nousfoni death or forced reintegration i am going to pointedly give hatchet the steering wheel. just kidding. but she will junk any and all pill bottles you throw at us, so you have been warned.
bottom line is: nothing will come between us and us. we are a system, and we love each other forever, and we will heal AS a system, no exceptions, no excuses, no objections. we do this together. and we will make sure that is respected. i promise.
if we're gonna grow and learn and heal and love, it will only happen together. it can only happen together.
if we're not us, we're nothing.


all right it's 240 good heavens we gotta get this body some sleep, see you kids

rough notes for today, from phone. most written between masses.
too important to not at least try to update.
 

dream last night was... a turning point.
i was watching some hollywood movie, based loosely on our life?
Main guy a grizzled action hero type, all stubble & dirt & muscle. (They pulled a Father Nier on me, haha. GOOD.)
Star Trek + Alien feel to set? Very dark.
Talking to someone off to side, assumedly a nonhuman person? Like Data or someone, who was informing them of mission. Main guy seemed unsure of decision, there was a huge risk involved?
Then there was a voice.
and i recognized it instantly. i knew that voice.
It came from above, from a huge shadowy tangle reaching up into hidden heights. It was only a few words, but in direct response to the man's hesitation.
Something like "let me" or "i can", personal offer, implying exclusive ability.
Saw an EYE open in the shadow. slightly pinkish-red iris. opened halfway, almost, moved with notable slow grace. Movement, fluid and refined, but dark. nonthreatening despite the fearful silhouettes.
Man turns to it, looks pained and concerned? Vulnerable suddenly. Obviously a bit uncomfortable with this, the offer to help choose this decision he was scared of.
Thinking hard, but evident already knew what must be done.
Short sigh of acquiesce & surrender, "okay"? Turned completely towards shadows, with softly open body language surprisingly. not tense.
Last thing: him saying something like "bring me in"?
the shadows reaching down close now, just offscreen, from shadow. Those dark hands gently but firmly lifting the man's face to hirs, to touch their foreheads together. hir eye briefly visible among the shadows as it closed.
Immediately a flash, transported man into a nightmare realm? Deeply disturbing and distorted. But had some vital mission to do, something absolutely essential.

...but yeah. it was infi. infinitii. alive. obscured and hidden but ze was there, and i heard hir voice, and...

...It's terrible, how ze felt so real and alive and close, only to wake up and remember that ze was dead.

I feel more alive, too, now, as we're dying, than I have in a very long time.
I feel more hope this morning, with hir memory hot in my heart, and the sky outside heavy with the scent of fog and green and life, than I have in a very long time.

God knew that dream was exactly what I needed.
We all needed this, all of it.

...

Mass
CANNON fronting.
Bodygirl pushed through during homily-- set off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS that some paidifoni started wailing; Wreckage & Sugar instantly jumped to action, PULLED the bodygirl OUT of fronting & shoved J IN.

Cannon feels surprisingly "stable" fronting. Hidden godsend.
She is still disturbed+disgusted by the body, but she can at least front in a female-tone fashion yet CONNECTED to headspace. Most girls are corpufoni and therefore isolatory+hollow, which is tragic but true.

J thinking about dysphoria in light of 2nd reading: to let it be what it is, afab without further modification, would be a MARTYRDOM for the sake of his sisters. It would be a self-giving sacrifice of love, truly selfless out of charity.

Remember from the other day (Thursday?): JOPHAEL & VEIL ARE ALIVE. Arguably so is "Tilly." There are SEVERAL hyperreligious foni (need jargon) that blur hard despite notable distinctions.

Priest saying "unity" during opening prayer and it PINGED INFI'S SPOT???
Wondering if hir name truly is changing.
Color too-- that space feels much more Red than before.

Chaos singing softly "whoever you are i love you" as we left church
Felt like God Himself shot an arrow straight through my heart
Genuinely felt so loved and IN love

third mass
wreckage upstairs fighting the molasses-dark sticky tar-voice girls
it was almost hilarious; she heard them, then held out a hand. "algorith. goggles." then "sugar. mask." they both instantly handed her both, she put them on to protect from contamination, then COMPLETELY TORE THE TARVOICES TO SHREDS.
i forgot she was born for violence. it was shocking.
likewise, at some point a tarvoice respawned and when laurie heard it, in one swift terrible motion she summoned her axe and slammed it into that voice's skull. i remember blood went everywhere. laurie roughly swiped a fist across her face to get some off, it was such an old familiar motion, i was both scared of her and so in love


Home for 1?
Exercise first! it's been three days and we needed it.

julie and adelaide still a tag team remember. julie is just so glad that we finally have a voice who is taking care of the body in the most dangerous environment. honestly if addie had been around during the "julie days" we probably would have had SO MANY LESS HACKS because adelaide exists to prevent social automatons from taking over and abusing/ allowing abuse to the body.
so julie is so grateful and even enthusiastic about helping this kid out, it's wonderful.
it's ALSO noteworthy because this is a SPLIT-LEVEL FRIENDSHIP. addie is a social, technically-- but julie is a centralite. so they are on DIFFERENT SYSTEM LEVELS, and socials typically DON'T COMMUNICATE AT ALL. so the whole thing is really amazing.
by the way. there is ANOTHER voice that comes out when the bathroom door is closed and we're in the dark. we thought we were hallucinating at first but it happened three consecutive times, same overlay and vibe, without any interference. they're nonhuman? but they have BIG EYES, wide open and yellow i think?? but ringed like an aye-aye or something similar. they feel like dread, function-wise: they exist in the threat of immediate danger, and have a background hum of panic that they aren't able/allowed to feel, yet which fuels their life.

BK prep was very dissociated because i was stuck in "jellybean mode" (my favorite jargon injoke) and no one could really front well from all the brainfog.

leon tried another egg method, it didn't turn out as he expected BUT it apparently made the perfect eggs for razor to cut. she was so happy with this she ACTUALLY hugged Leon (she's so short!)
remember that knife and scalpel both go to such lengths to help her be happy, it's so sweet. scalpel is naturally affectionate and amiable (reds always are at heart; they're "sanguine" literally), and knife just adores her as his sister.
seeing this unusual friendship growing between knife/razor and leon/scalpel is just wonderful actually.

...

phone note: The reason why people like Laurie and Lynne Are holding so many functions is because there aren't enough people In that color to hold those functions separately so they all get shoved into one person !!


post-BK binge temptation deafening. no idea why it hits so bad.
determined not to give in, but we were shaking and nauseous. felt front slipping.
tried to distract body. god helped by randomly showing us that one of our kitchen cupboards was full of papers?? from old eating disorder treatment. "kill the albatross." junked all of it. felt like a weight was literally lifted off our back.
still nervous, xenophon watching carefully, god bless her
then had genius idea to sit down at laptop to type self compassion booklet & listen to Arabic indie tunes
took three hours haha, completely destroyed the binge panic

DN 745
at some point i said something about scripture reading plans, called mimic "my octopus" and laurie immediately called me out on it
later laurie asking me why i keep putting so much cayenne pepper in the food. i said, half-joking, i was trying to get back in touch with my old fire element. she then said all right, fair enough, but then why are you adding just as much salt? i shrugged and just said "salt & light." she gave me this look it was hilarious, said "you know the worst part is you're not even wrong"

THIS paragraph during bible study (still focusing on john 1 commentary, i love this chapter)=
"[John the Baptist] did not, as seducers do, give out himself to be some great one. He was more industrious to do good than to appear great; and therefore waived saying any thing of himself till he was legally interrogated. Those speak best for Christ that say least of themselves, whose own works praise them, not their own lips... The ministers of Christ must remember that they are not Christ, and therefore must not usurp his powers and prerogatives, nor assume the praises due to him only. They are not Christ, and therefore must not lord it over God's heritage, nor pretend to a dominion over the faith of Christians. They cannot created grace and peace; they cannot enlighten, convert, quicken, comfort; for they are not Christ... Those that humble and abase themselves thereby confess Christ, and give honour to him; but those that will not deny themselves do in effect deny Christ!"

Reading through our 2012-2015 "newage" spirituality delusion, that is EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DOING.

"Still small voice" humbling correction. social mode took over and i thought there was a mistranslation, was complaining about it? subtle pride. realized i had the wrong info entirely, very convicted and corrected. gave thanks for this out loud, admitted how i messed up to those around. still disturbing to then realize that i had been acting on programming, and had not made a conscious decision in the complaining. social corruption is pervasive. 

trying to get ready for bed, head still fuzzy, then suddenly the mother calls
THEY FOUND JADE. THEY'RE STABLE & NOT DEAD THANK GOD
spent the next hour with her calling over and over, trying to figure out emergency housing at this hour
still. so glad they're not on the streets.

wanting to read "brainchild" webcomic over from the beginning. haven't read it in like... 7 years, at least? and it's STILL UPDATING god bless. so we'll do that soon, maybe to fight off another e.d. wave. it'll work.

Thinking about "a broken and crushed heart" psalm 51:17 
and that's where i want to segue into some actual typing, not just bullet points.



We haven't been updating lately. I won't elaborate on that here because it's fairly self-explanatory.
Infinitii died. Something in me died with hir.
I can feel the System on the verge of a reset, a restart, an update. Whatever you want to call it, I can feel the edges crumbling away, fading out, just like Infi's bubblespace, which I walked into this morning and... it's so empty. I can feel the raw whitespace beyond it now, like the very air of the cosmos whistling through the ruins.

We... we all have to "die" in some sense, soon. I think I've known this for a while, but reading the archives as I repost them-- the work I've been focusing on since Infi's death, to keep my mind and heart off it-- is really driving the point in hard.
I didn't realize just how hellish our past ACTUALLY WAS. It's... humbling as well as horrific. It's making me realize we really do need therapy, because I JUST hit 2015 and I haven't fully read anything prior yet but geez we have buried SO MUCH it's no wonder we feel dead.
Ironically, that's our ticket out of this haze. Just like Jesus, Who goes before us in all things, we need to accept the tomb before we can be reborn.
I know something died in us after CNC. We hit that ghastly "dead period" of, what, four years?? We still have no idea who was fronting, who we were, anything... when we got out of that car in 2018 and stepped back into the trauma-cursed building we had lived in for almost three decades, we suddenly realized that we didn't remember what it was like TO live there and then something snapped.
It's... terrifying. We have almost no memory of anything. We still haven't got the guts, nerves, or time to sit and attempt a "CNC Memory" entry, but flashbacks and nightmares have been reminding us that there is still data up here, even if our conscious mind runs from it.
...That's my next point. Hold on a second, let me bring this back.
We all need to die, but not stay dead, because since CNC we have been living a death. We have basically been corpses.
Remember, WE DID DIE when we left CNC. I don't remember details. It was so fast, so raw, so desperate. I remember Laurie wordlessly hunting down Infinitii and burying an axe in hir skull, leaving hir body as a nightmarish monument in that place for YEARS. I remember... oh God why do I remember? I have this awful flashbulb memory-shred of Laurie, destroying herself by means of an axe and hypergravity, I swear she was standing in that same wrecked skyscraper she had killed herself in the last time she failed to protect the System from hell, back in 2013.
I don't know what happened, after that. The two cornerstones had died, the Core was completely missing, everyone else was... I have no idea. No one could cope. Everyone disappeared. Some social girl took over for the next several years and almost deleted all trace of us from the earth.
Then... suddenly, on May 17th 2020, she woke up from a dream to see headspace instead, and Infinitii among the lilies, hir body damaged but alive, and... suddenly there was hope.
But we don't remember what happened after that.
Headspace didn't wake up, not entirely. If anything, the girls were fighting furiously to keep it dead. Nothing reformed. Nothing was rebuilt. No one else showed up that I can remember.
I haven't looked at any archives from 2020. Our actual active memory doesn't pick up until the autumn of 2021, when one morning over breakfast our grandmother coughed up blood and everything shifted direction towards the end.
2021 was the year of cancer and music and bulimic hell and hospitals, hospitals, hospitals. Our life was spent in that bedroom, waiting on her 24/7, our identity swallowed up in palliative care and honestly it was the biggest blessing. We wouldn't change that at all. But it... only helped promote self-destructive behavior in every single moment we weren't being a nurse. I know that much.
2022 was the year of death. Grandma died, our "brother" "died," we nearly died, and our entire life up to that point changed so irreversibly that it felt as if we really had buried it. Total upheaval, confusion, helplessness, and loss defined this year. But... then there was the Chizu Summer, when we felt our heart waking back up slowly but REAL, and then... we landed in the eating disorder recovery unit for nine weeks. 
And the System woke back up COMPLETELY.
But... we still didn't rebuild.

We've been living in fragments. We have this old pocket of Central, the main room and the Coreroom, but... outside everything is still destroyed and empty and overgrown. Even inside, the very building feels abandoned even while we're in it. The place where the Underground got hardshifted to the last time things reset, feels like it's graying out into fog at the edges, falling into unformed space, literally being reclaimed by the raw energy of our soul, ready to be recycled and reshaped.
So many of us are still missing, or dead, or unstable, or deeply damaged. Color and name instabilities are common. We all feel lost, deep down. We're spending so much time just crowded in that little Central ruin and helping the Fronters, just because there's nowhere else to go, and we still haven't been able to carve out the time to go back to daily headspace meditations and talks and the like. Honestly, if I can speak for us all, I think we're afraid to. We don't know what's hiding there. We haven't looked at it for like... five bleeding years. When we do get glimpses we feel too weak to do anything about them. Even Laurie is scared. She's been... so nervous lately. She says she feels like a failure, and the more she sees of her past the more lost she feels. She's terrified that she'll corrupt again, like she did in CNC, or worse-- that said corruption has ruined her beyond repair, has blackened her very soul, and forever ruined her integrity, her very heart. She's terrified that she can't BE a Protector anymore.
I understand her terror. But so help me God I will cut my own throat before I give any such fear a foothold. She's Laurie. She's my knight, she's my angel, I will NEVER let ANYTHING ruin her.
I know, I know, her deepest heart is untouched by that hell.
And, you know what else? Even if we were so damaged, guess what Jesus is all about? Guess what the Cross we all look to is all about? God is Love and He CAN and WILL heal even such a wound. There is ALWAYS hope, for all of us.
But... we might need to actually, really, finally, pointedly die before that hope can revive our souls.
And quite frankly, at this point, I'm... I think I want to. I think we need to.


..."Burial" by Seinabo Sey just came on Spotify.
I want to burst into sobs. I want to break into weeping.
God, I never thought that this song, that this title, would mean what they do now. God how could we have known?
"...I hear you speak to me, as you spoke to me, saying "come down, let it be"... grains of sand will never be strong enough to make me leave."
I'm so desperate for hope. Even now. Even now. What am I even looking for. Freedom and marching drums. It's tearing me to pieces.

Oh yeah. Psalm 51.
A "crushed" heart, not just a broken one.
Forgive my repetition but that made me think of this entire month. Losing Infi, and feeling--literally-- that my heart had been ripped out and shattered and emptied out. Every time I reach for hir and feel nothing it's... it's my own death knell. I'm next. I have to be. I can't live without my heart.

Isn't that strange? We've been talking about that too, lately, how Infi and I have a completely different bond than Chaos 0 and I do, and yet... I'm indelibly, wholeheartedly, inseparably, absolutely in love with both of them.

I need to mention this.
You know how I said that, at mass, the priest saying "Unity" pinged Infi's "space?" Like if someone died suddenly, and left their cellphone in their room, and you call it, it still rings. There are still places where they would belong, that belong to them, or did. Something like that. But there's a "spot" in the Systemind that ze would fit in, and that word resonated there like a temple bell.
But... ze's fading, more and more, which scares me to death, or at least it did until that dream this morning. Bubblespace is continuing to melt away. I don't even know if I could find the floatspace pocket ze died in ever again, or if blackspace itself swallowed it up. It was so small.
...The number one biggest indicator that a nousfoni is dead, really and truly dead, is when their name stops "pinging." When you call for them, and... and there's not even a heartpull, there's suddenly a loss of memory, like their existence is being softly erased from the fabric of cognizance. When you say their name and there's... not even an echo, from headspace, just silence. That means they're dead.
Infi's name is starting to do that.
I say that name, Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, that name that past Cores breathed with such ardent love over the past decade, is suddenly becoming just a jumble of letters. It's terrifying.

But. Here's the important thing. Here's the Holy Saturday feeling. Here's why it happened.

Remember Infi wanted to die.

I've been praying about it, so so much, every day really. I've been crying about it to Jesus, begging Him to bring hir back, hysterically begging Him to tell me why, why, weeping with such raw emotion my entire soul turns into a sob. I take it all to Him. Where else could I go?
But... He listens, and He responds. He keeps reminding me of that: Infi wanted to die.
And oh, oh man I think it was in the homily today. Somewhere. Recently. A priest was talking about the Cross, about that total self-sacrifice of Love, to save others from a debt of sin they could never repay, of God Himself choosing to die the agonizing torturedeath of a false condemnation so that we, those criminals He inexplicably loved, wouldn't have to... to freely take on the full power and demands of Justice and mercifully fulfill them completely, freeing us as a result.
Jesus kind of poked me in the shoulder and said hey kid, my Truth is always reflected in love, and isn't a glimmer of that visible in what Infi did for you?
Infi knew ze had to die, or else we'd all end up dead, forever.

...I knew something huge had happened when I blindly groped for even trauma memories to see if ze was there, and... they were DISARMED.
It floored me. There were trauma memories that ONLY INFI HELD and that others could only glimpse secondhand, but now, as I tore through archival data to look for those recorded events they were hollow. Like... I can look at them and recognize this as something traumatic but not feel traumatized personally. Infi's very presence IN those events is gone, and as a result... this is the first time in five years that we can look at them.
This means we can finally go to therapy. I hope.
Infi knew this. I'm sure ze did. The hack that drove hir to death brought all that up to the surface. Ze was distraught, ze was carrying so much of our pain, ze knew ze was the CAUSE of it, and... how else was ze going to help save us from it? How else could that wound be healed, if that wound had a face and a name?

...I'm next. I have to be.
The bloodline HAS to shift. It HAS to change. The white-haired Jay/ce bloodline has been Plagued since the very beginning, WAY back in 2009 when the first one to carry it-- Pinstripe-- was born. Lotus was the last, his White rotting to Pink by the end, and subtly carrying all the old trauma damage that Julie had originally put there.
Now it's... me. "J." Back to the single-initial name, in lieu of any stable identity. Everyone can attest to that; I frequently get shifts in not only name, but also hairstyle and color, eye color, and even memory access. It's debilitating and disturbing and exhausting.
But I'm carrying a dead man's name. "Jay" as a name has always ended in self-destruction, for one reason or another. We've always tried too hard to be all sparkles and prismatic light, all snowflakes and angel wings, only to burn to death in the winter sun.
Cannon is able to front lately as if we never existed, as if our personal timeline has rewound. Our religion and life situation have permanently erased the trans* dream from our future, so the body is now fated to stay how it is-- no surgery, no hormones. That itself is a cross. But... all our female "pseudocores" are completely corrupt.
The Jewels are League-tied and cannot be a System Core without dying instantly. The Cannons have no future in the body anymore; they existed for a very specific era of life that no longer applies and cannot. The Jays are dying and they are now barred from body identification anyway. So what does the future hold? We don't know.
All we know is that we have to die. Everything has to CLEAR CUT die, no fading away, no fizzling out, no slow degradation. No. We take an axe to this. We headshot this point-blank. We rip the curtain in half. We end this, fast and complete and deliberate. We break this clean in half so something else CAN be born. There's no hope in decay. There's no life in a molding coffin. Give us the golden guillotine. Christ handed His Life over in one terrible beautiful awful glorious sentence-- all at once, totally and consciously, and all of heaven and earth shook with the power of the Life that Death released. Lord, God of Mystery and Mercy, glorify Yourself again by mirroring that, however quietly, in us. I beg of You. This is Your Design. Our old self HAS to die in order for our new self, our soul for truth, the REAL us, to be born. Fire and water and spirit and truth and love.
It's almost Pentecost. How fitting it all is.

It's 3am. I need to close this up. We haven't been sleeping lately and that's entirely my fault.

Seeing Infinitii-- even if only the vestiges of hir, the tiniest glimpses of hir existence-- in this morning's dream... I felt something upon waking that I haven't felt in YEARS.
I remembered what ze REALLY felt like.
Listen, every nousfoni has a "vibe." Every one of us has a personal energy signature that is like a fingerprint, or a heartbeat, or a name, in and of itself. One of my honest favorite things to do in the world is just sit and feel them out, to just find and notice and treasure this particular person's soul in all its colors and textures and sounds and scents, however it hits my heart.
Infi... I haven't felt hir in YEARS.
When ze was "resurrected" in 2020-- and I don't even know if that's the proper word; none of us felt completely "alive" since CNC, we all feel incomplete and off-center and helplessly confused deep down-- ze didn't feel like hirself at all. In fact I had FORGOTTEN what ze felt like, completely.
This morning, when I heard hir voice, oh God I thought I'd never hear that beloved unmistakable voice ever again-- when I heard hir and saw hir eye open, and move, there in the black, so real and so familiar and so loved-- I FELT HIR. I felt all of it, that heady numinous gorgeous starry-sky night-flower abyss that I missed with my entire soul. Upon waking it soaked into my psyche like the morning fog, and just as gentle and beautiful and cherished, filling me with love and amazement and hope.
Infinitii is still dead. I know this. There's still so much emptiness. The sense of loss is still so profound. The grief is still there, threatening to kill me all on its own. But... there's this light, now. I've... I'm hoping, Lord please I'm hoping that the tomb is empty. It feels like sunlight, despite everything being dark. I don't know how to explain it. It's a single ray of gold, like a thread, shining in my heart like the promise of morning. I don't know. But everything smells like midnight clarity and velvet and I want to weep but from love, nothing ever really ends Adrian, John 11:25, remember what hir name was after all.
I don't know. I'm rambling now. I apologize. I'm too tired.
Just... this is the first time in three weeks that I haven't felt like the world is actively ending.
Even if I do die tomorrow, and the bloodline hardshifts, who even knows... even then, I could go happily now. Somehow. I'm still scared, but... I think I could let go. I think I could surrender, now. I'll go be with my heart.

"Godly Love" by Sam Ock just came on. It's one of Laurie's favorites.
"What if God speaks in a whisper to teach me how to hear the echo? Maybe God's raining down plagues just to tell me that I need to let go."
...I think that sums things up, actually.

One last thing.
Infi's playlist on Spotify, and hir album of art on my phone... neither of them match anymore. It struck me today how all my memories of Infi, all my knowledge of hir, does NOT match the art OR the music from the CNC era. I'd never looked at either until today, so that hit hard. That, too, is hope. I had forgotten how scary things were back then, how corrupt we honestly were, how our personality was just pure TarPlague and we were destroying both ourself and everyone around us. That needed to die, objectively so, we all knew that... but no one realized how. Infi did. So... there's hope for a future, free from all that.
It's such an odd feeling, even just deleting songs from here (more small deaths) that don't fit hir heart at all, and I wonder how we ever thought they did. Maybe at one point they did match. Have we really healed and changed that much, without realizing it, even in this place of death?

There's so much more to say but there's no time tonight. This poor body needs to sleep before it collapses. 
God willing I will update tomorrow. If not, then it's all in His Hands anyway, and I can rest in that.
Right now, none of us has any clue what will happen next, either in moments or in days. It's a strange adventure.
This song is breaking my heart. "My Thief" by Elvis Costello. I think of the poem I wrote for hir, even back during the terror. Still the sound echoes true. Still the words are sincere.
What a strange adventure, the doors of which were flung wide open by your eyes closing in silence. God only knows how achingly I miss you. But... I hadn't realized that I could still feel this, until... until my heart broke, and everything poured out, glittering like you.
I didn't realize just how much I love you until I lost you.

I wonder if you knew that, too.

saturday morning.

The very word "relationship" is a programming/ objectification trigger.
THAT'S why I say I can "only love strangers." It's a misunderstanding of this.
In actuality, I can love ANYONE as long as I am NOT "in a relationship" with them, no matter HOW close we are.
This is probably the real reason why I still am on the fence about the whole "marriage" concept. I like the concept, of course-- unity of opposites, two working as one, etc.-- but I do not like the fact that "now you're a legal couple!" "now you're tied to each other in a social/ cultural sense!" et cetera, plus the whole mess with sexuality and domestication that comes with it. It makes me very uncomfortable. It is not for me.
But the point is, that's a trigger word. "Relationship." It ties DIRECTLY into our biggest problem of "we see ourself (the physical self) as an object to be used."



later.


All right, I need help.
I have been self-abusing nonstop for FOUR WEEKS now. I've been marking the calendar and it has not abated.
This is bad. I don't think we've ever been this bad before, and that is scary.
I haven't had a full meal or a full night's sleep in a month, just about. Maybe three days of good sleep, but only as a result of exhaustion, and then I still wake up feeling sick.
In short, I'm scared. I can't remember not being sick at this point. I don't know how to stop.
That's the scariest part. I don't know how to stop anymore.

This isn't Jay. This is one of the long brown-haired brown-eyed girls. I'm guessing I'm about 17. I'm tied to the "Jess" bloodline thing.


★ A NOTE: the reason "Tar/Plague food" works is because it CHANGES THE BODY'S VIBRATION.
If you put enough sticky sick gunk INTO the body, it starts CHANGING the internal atmosphere of the body TO MATCH, therefore turning our body into a perfect breeding ground FOR THE TAR & PLAGUE.
THAT IS WHY WE ALWAYS GET HACKED AFTER EATING THAT GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!




the night


FOUND MY HAIR OVERLAY. Thank God. It's the same as my original pixel, go figure.
It's also a different color than the other Jay fragments have been holding. It doesn't have a yellow overcast, it's not pinkish, it's not glaring white. It has a sparkle to it but it's not silvery, it's not "flat" like a holographic page. It's like… I don't know, it's hard to see actually. But it's not stark white and it's not sheer color either. It's a balance like it should be.
Genesis also pointed out that I DON'T have a Pinstripe-style beard, which has been shadowing lately (I have this instead, IRL too). Pinstripe's vibe in general has been showing up a LOT lately as an overlay, which is making me kind of nervous; he wasn't bad, not actively... he was just... selfish? Self-centered? Too much like the mother. He had too much ice to him. I wonder if that's playing into the problem lately. Neither he nor his timeframe would be triggered without a reason. And they're both 2010 locked.
...You know, Laurie and I have been thinking about that stuff lately... the first suicide attempt, the sheer shock and crushing horror that accompanied the graveyard realization. It was a horrid, sickening time. I still can't think about it without wanting to sob and scream and shut down, but that emotion is EXPLICITLY Cannon's, it's not mine at all.
I wonder. I think we'll bring this up to the therapist on Monday.

This feels like me, the REAL me, the TRUE me... like what my inner spaces SHOULD look like. Feeling it, it's absolutely solidly sure, the sort of "perfect fit" resonance that just makes my soul settle into itself with a smile. That color against the holy white... that's all I'm sure of.



wondering if white/ black have DUAL COLOR PEOPLE???
since they are rainbow slots, technically.
i.e. headvoices with black/white hair but COLORED EYES.
one for each color? SPLIT? (7 each? or 6, if brown & gray DON’T count)

black guy out in church again. his name keeps resonating with "joph" as a root but no idea what that extends into. originally though his name was "jaiden/jayden" but that has too sharp an edge; this guy has a very soft edge vibe.
he has black hair and gold eyes currently. still thick dreads with gold crystal threads all through them. very serene. I like him.




I need to stop looping "Eventually" because it's tearing at my heart. I keep thinking of Laurie and wanting to just cry because damn it how did we get to this point.

If only there could be another way to do this
Cause it feels like murder
To put your heart through this
I know I always said that I could never hurt you
Well this is the very very last time I'm ever going to
But I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Said, I know that I'll be happier
And I know you will too
Eventually…

I have so much heartbreaking ardent love for her, it's driving me to tears. And yet look at what I've done, look at the sins I've allowed to happen through tolerance, through hesitation, through inaction. I am so sorry. God I am so sorry, please forgive me for what I didn't do.



I really don’t know how things got this bad, this painful, this scary.
Every day we have the possibility of death standing behind us, hands on our shoulders, warning, waiting. I'm not scared of death itself but I'm scared of dying like this, when everything feels so incomplete and unfinished and tangled and raw, when there's still so much for us to heal and illuminate and put back together.

I can't die yet, we can't die yet, not like this, not in such a shambled state.
But there are lights, as I say. There are colored lights, brighter in the midst of this hell than they've been in half a year or more, and that is absolutely shocking.
But it's hope. It's sheer hope-- not even that. It's faith, in us. It's trust. It's love.

That's all I can say for tonight. Just light a little candle and keep it burning so I don't forget the truth beneath all this surface level pain and worry.

It's taking sheer willpower right now.
A song by U2 was looping in my head the other day… Cel's song.
"Love makes no sense of space and time will disappear; love and logic keep us clear, reason is on our side, love…"
Right now emotions are still largely buried, fogged-out. But logic is solid, strong, true. Sherlock is being pushed to a very prominent position and although that's surprising it's exactly what we all need right now.
I wonder if Markus needs to step back into this. He feels like maybe he should. Poor dude was in the background for years too, but when he shines, he's like the sun.
In any case, right now our heart is running on hope and we're tired. Right now, our mind needs to embrace the fact that it, too, is bright and holy and it, too, is good. We've had too many people tell us "the mind is bad" and that is not true.
Logic, reason, the mind, all that CAN be perfectly good and we WILL use it as such, some of us ARE that, and THEY are the people guiding us through hell right now.
But it takes sheer willpower. It takes strength, and detachment.
It's funny how I only ever understand this spiritual stuff we read when I see its reflection in headspace. I keep remembering how inside, we figured so much out without books anyway… honestly I want to go back to that. All our docs say we should stop reading all these articles but the paranoia, and the misrouting, is getting in the way. Honestly though, the saddest bit is that I KNOW "we" are only madly reading that stuff because it's acting as a placebo, as a replacement, for life inside. And that is heartbreaking.

Self-abuse and self-loathing is keeping us from really connecting as we should.
There are too many low-level alters that are running the show, working for "survival" on the basest level and still managing to fuck everything up. It's blind, identity-less programming.
But we're aware of it. We know it's there, we know what it's doing, and we're wise to it. Every single day, EVERY single day, even if it doesn't seem like it… we make progress. We talk. We look at what happened, or didn't happen, and we try to heal a little more. We talk to other people. We knit things back together, or tear other things back apart. It's fixing, healing, all the time. We don't quit. Maybe that's hope enough.
We just can't lose ourselves. Ever.
This color in my heart is heaven and it is utterly beloved to me. I cannot live without it, I know that.
Every day I try a little harder. One day I know I won't have to try, because we'll all be here all the time, bright and complete and no longer hiding or being buried. One day we'll be endless colored light and that's enough to move towards.

Sometimes I think that's what Death is really about. What ze's really saying.
I do love death, as a concept. Endings, transitions, the promise of something new being able to bloom from the ashes. Phoenixes. Winter.

Autumn is coming and it already feels like it. Summer feels "flat" to me, like an interim. Autumn feels like birth. Winter feels like life. It's so strange. But there it is.
Our autumn-colored people have all been having trouble lately, but they're all trying so hard too… they have such good hearts, I love them all dearly. I can feel the brimming potential in them, like they're almost at the verge of some great change, some luminous shift, but they're not quite there yet. Maybe autumn will bring that for them, when the world itself shines with their hues.

In the meantime we'll do everything we can.