the spectrum heart cathedral system

If grandma's death had gone "the way I wanted," I never would have realized the effect my bad living was having on her.
"Your grief can also be the price of souls."
God, in His Providence, deprived us both of consolation in order to give me spiritual graces. I think grandma wanted that, even more than she wanted me there-- and that's hard to say. But, I'm sure that if God had asked her, "you can either have your granddaughter here with you for one last day, and have everything be perfect, or... you could not have her here, and never see her again until the next life, BUT in that great suffering and sacrifice, it will SAVE HER SOUL." I am sure she would have agreed to the loss.
Because honestly, let's face it. I was willingly blind. I knew I was sick, but I kept making excuses. It took her death, and my stupidity during it, to wake me up to the actual reprehensible abhorrence of my addiction.
I never would have had the sheer agony of contrition in order TO repent, if I had not f*ed up that last week of her life so much.
...
It's a very hard pill to swallow. But it's heavy-duty chemo, and my self-hating grief is a cancer.

I still don't know what to do about the asinine things I did prior to that last time, though. I use "I" bitterly yet honestly-- whoever the heck "I" was back then, they were still part of this collective psyche, manifesting ugly evil parts painted plastic-white. That girl, while wearing her mantillas and crucifixes and obsessively going to Mass, was the most sinful person of all of us. I mean it. She was worse than Julie, worse than Jezebel, worse than Infidhell when you get down to it. And that is saying something.
"Tilly" was the devil in a Sunday dress.



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Daily events:

Chopsticks broke
Both set of kitchen lights burned out
Youversion completely "updated" and it is now SUPER BUGGY & UNUSABLE.
All of this in ONE MORNING had us reeling. Felt like God "dealing us death" to make us let go of life more.
There were important lessons in it all. Those chopsticks were a remnant from the bulimia days-- with them gone, that's one more tie eliminated. Those lights were half-dead anyway, too-- now that we replaced them, the kitchen is much brighter, and in the process we learned how to properly replace a dead bulb! And with the Youversion update... well, now we need to look elsewhere, for an explicitly Catholic source, one where we won't constantly be butting heads with the freakin' prosperity-antigospel preachers.


Jade shower stop, timed it so it was DURING our therapy phone call
Therapy call all but useless once again. Therapist said TWO SENTENCES the entire 45 minutes, and those were "so how can I help you?" Lady if YOU have to ask me that I'd be better off paying a mirror, wink nudge cough hello headspace!! On that note she REFUSES to acknowledge the fact that we are EVIDENTLY MULTIPLE, which isn't a surprise as she has given ZERO INPUT to our sessions other than "you should cut ties with your family" and "you should try more coping skills" and "you need to stop being so religious," effectively. I'm sorry this is bitter. But we CANNOT get anywhere here. We NEED DIALOGUE. Oh well. At least this is making us DESPERATELY WANT TO START HOSTING XANGA SESSIONS AGAIN.

Since it was rainy, we got Jade to drive us to the library to pick up our Ghibli DVDs at last-- and we got FREE DVDs as well?? They were having an "autumn cleanout" of their library section as most folks are going digital, and told us to go through the rack and seriously take as many as we wanted. Well, we only buy/own DVDs IF said movie has had a significant enough effect on our life for it to merit rewatches. And, lo and behold, the rack had TWO OF THEM, IN PRISTINE CONDITION. The first was... I kid you not... INCEPTION. Which had a PROFOUND effect on our innerlife way back in 2010, during the SLC stay, and it DIRECTLY INFLUENCED JOSEPHINA'S CREATION. (We miss him so much, still; his "birthday" is next month so it'll ache even more.) And it was a Blu-Ray to boot! So that was amazing. I guess God was saying "it's finally time to re-watch this." That's NOTABLE. As for the second movie? Big Fish. Now I don't know if anyone ever typed about that-- probably not-- but it was one of the LAST movies we remember watching with grandma before she died, and it stood out because it was about death. It was like watching her impending future on screen. It hurt so much to watch... and yet it was so beautiful. But the part that hit the hardest? Grandma LOVED it. She was ENTHRALLED, and so were we. That's why this film stands out as "THE last film" we watched WITH her, because after this one... the pain and the cancer made her mental state so bad, she couldn't focus anymore. So this film became very beloved.
We also grabbed two more DVDs we'd never heard of-- one was a religious one, about the Holy Land and Scripture, and the other one was an artistic film about Van Gogh? So we'll see! But it was nice, to have something new, too.


At a loss as to Bible study, now that Youversion is down. We can't compare translations anymore. We can't highlight like we used to. We can't even collapse footnotes. Our ENTIRE method has been CRUSHED in one update. 
We think we're just going to stick with the commentaries for now, and weed those out too-- again, we keep stumbling across Protestant heresies, which we are ONLY able to identify AS WE ARE BETTER CATECHIZED. Honestly, if you aren't familiar with the basic structural tenets of your faith, you are AN EASY TARGET for the devil to sneak his subtle lies in instead.

2 cor 2:14-16 = ROSE ALLERGY METAPHOR!! The rose itself smells objectively sweet, BUT if you have an allergy to it, your body will treat it AS AN ENEMY, and attack it-- but that very attack CAN KILL YOU. The rose has done nothing wrong. It's your misinformed immune system that has hurt you, BY SEEING THAT ROSE AS AN ENEMY. The parallel to Christ and the depraved soul is obvious. 

070423


Horrific nightmares again. please forgive the ugly language.
in old school bathroom stall, the last one, like a child. DOG GANGRAPE. they all rushed in and were destroying us. we began screaming, almost robotically which was disturbing. i was numb but the body was screaming like a child, emotionless yet terrified at the same time. but in response, these angry adult people just came into the bathroom, glaring, "what are you yelling for?" "stop making all that noise!" glaring and WATCHED us get raped. did not care. Disturbing. then when the dogs left, one woman GOT INTO THE STALL, and SAT DOWN behind us and WATCHED and wouldn't let use use the bathroom unless she was watching. we just left, still completely numb and now traumatically so.
BUT THANK GOD the dream ended positively, with us in the school attic. felt like we weren't supposed to be there, had to hide. i clearly remember seeing in the walls, stained glass of two Fakemon made by the old graduating classes? “Kyreon,” a dark teal-blue dragon Eeveelution, and then “Siren,” which looked like Galarian Articuno but more pink?
during this part I was a DRAGON, japanese style. Like a pure white wyrm. I was able to FLY EFFORTLESSLY like this, even when I COULDN’T OTHERWISE. also my SENSE OF SELF actually REGISTERED as a dragon, NOT as a human. as a human it was some female-pronoun social with no identity sense.
Before this, for the record, that girl-dreamer was walking through the “new” school with a bunch of younger kids? Telling them about what was behind the doors they weren’t allowed to go through, haha. still felt like she wasn't supposed to be there, would get in trouble if the parents or teachers saw her or knew she was talking to the kids? notably a "you're not supposed to be NOW" in a chronological sense, like she was from another time or space, and was telling these kids things about the past/future/whatever that they weren't supposed to know? very subtle conspiracy vibe. somehow also applied to us becoming a dragon later.
don't forget, when we went into the attic we had to hide on the very top shelf in the very back corner by the siren window, as a dragon. i clearly remember what it felt like to fly up there, all smooth riverlike twining through the air, our very movement feeling as soft silky white as our fur. i think we also had gold claws? we had little arms with claws, like in "spirited away," haku as a dragon. and at some point we got reverted to human? and we FELL, as we were falling, our SELF-- not the girl!!!-- thought, wait, if i can fly before we hit the ground... and willed it, but NOT as a human flying, as a dragon floating. and we FELT gravity's effect on us shift ENTIRELY. that was such an amazing feeling tangibly.
so yeah. half good half hell, this dream. we've been having so so so many traumatic nightmares lately. i think it's the heat, the summer kills us.


Anyway. Woke up at 745, got ready for church. Shocked that Jesus DID get us through the night, let that deep gratitude shock sink in.
Mass was quiet but lovely. We were oddly dissociated. The antiphons and songs hit LOWER notes which felt wonderful to sing for once.

Tried to visit dad after but he wasn’t home
Listening to Genesis’s playlist on the drive home; Razia’s Shadow notably.

Spent the next hour biking and praying, then precooked broccoli
Went to oblates mass for noon

THIS is when the System woke up for real today.
We felt the “floaty” head like we used to get at LCCC and I say that because it was a HARD TRIGGER of that EXACT time period. We were getting visual flashbacks even. Shocked.

BEFORE MASS… Jay and Chaos 0 talking together. Jay seeing the ocean water in stained glass and Chaos saying “that’s Perfect’s color/vibe”; Jay said then what are you? A river, a lake, a stream, what?
Chaos replied “I’m a well, in the desert.” pause. ‘at least that’s what I want to be.”
mindscape warped there. “i don't feel like i’m any good here. Whatever water I bring, it gets evaporated, or lost in the hot sand.”
jay spoke up, “not if you’re underground. you’re kept safe underground, at the heart of things, and even secretly you bring life to the most barren places”
then wondering. “but wait, where does that water come from?”
cz looked up. “from the mountains. ...it’s melted snow. And it flows down the mountain, through the rocky places, into cracks in the earth perhaps… down into the underground.”
jay’s eyes lit up. “into the caves!” cz laughed “you like caves so much” jay “i do!” then summoned a glass/light “CYLINDER” to literally “pull out” a chunk of ground to go down into it. Then summoned crystal spiral steps going down. Started down but realized mass externally was prepping, so jay just took cz’s hand and jumped down, warping the stairs into a crystal umbrella as he did, they floated down.
In the cavern was a river. Jay laughed and jumped into it. Up to his ears. Cz eased himself in too, stood next to him but opposite direction. Just smiled at him.
Jay feeling cupid vibes here. Odd gold dust overlay almost.
Mass beginning outside. Jay “merged” that with the innervision; realized the central carpet between the aisles was BLUE: “that’s the water!” inside turned to that, an UNDERGROUND CHURCH with the stream down the center, the cave making arches and aisles, and the open sky far above like a cathedral ceiling. Beautiful. Jay saying “we need churches like this in ALL the color realms.”
turning to cz. “which one do you want?” reply “jay, i’m an outspacer. I don’t get a realm.” jay “hm. I guess you’re right.” considering a realm intersection of green/blue, but then cz observed “outspacers belong in the leagueworlds anyway.” jay said “dude then is there one of you for each leagueworld? Like color realms in concept?” cz’s eyes widened “maybe.” really an amazing thought.

A bunch of people fronting at church. Very specific, particular roles. Many we “recognize” by feelings, but with no name or clear face.
Jophael= for mass worship
veil= for quiet prayer, marian focus? (her appearance shifted back from the nun. Wondering if that splintered or if she’s too unstable to keep anything solid yet.)
monk= for quiet prayer, warm heart
“tilly” = the one who “talks on tumblr” but has NO cognizance of personal sin
also there WERE “sinners” out--
JAYCE was there, feeling shame for his stealing?? too much social vibe for real contrition; aware of this lack
JESSICA was there, feeling guilt for “filthiness”
JEZELKA was there, feeling guilt for gluttonous drive
perhaps others. can’t remember right now.
Others came out DURING mass too.
there’s that WATCHER GIRL, she feels PINKISH??? but desaturated. Close to ashen actually, odd. she’s up in the space where the COMMITTEE was???? she watches and comments on things like a NARRATOR space.
there’s a girl who kind of vibes with the body name, feels reddish, close to the body, tied to childhood perhaps? But her faith has no roots, it feels like.

Jay in tears, “why don’t I have the fervor I want for communion,” asking “why can’t I receive?” what’s wrong, why is he lacking that religious zeal? Where did it go? Infi used to have it. Why can’t ze come back yet?

Realizing the body DISSOCIATES when we receive, up until we kneel back down and close our eyes. Then jay WAS able to be there, but only in a secondhand way? Feeling like we ALL could and had to be there, recieveing AS A SYSTEM. No one allowed to claim it as theirs alone.
Thanking god for making us a “united soul” on this fourth of july

home for 1
typing this now, took 20 minutes, gotta cook the eggs son!!!

but yeah, thinking we are going to KEEP this early day schedule, because it seems like when we wake up and immediately fast for like 6 hours we get into that mindset where HEADSPACE EVENTS can happen, what we used to call “meditations” but are more like “vision adventures?”

OH MY GOSH ON THAT NOTE. Later, with jay and cz upstairs in mass.
SOMETHING brought to jay’s mind INFI’S BUBBLE. Oh yeah the spheres on the altar with the candles!! and the reflections were upside down.
Jay tried to ping the location of hir bubble, and it is CRASHED??? like a spaceship landed on the beach and just left there. it’s cracked open to the air, full of lilies, crystallized, but DESATURATED. It feels hollow. But the big thing is that it has apparently crashed onto a BLACK SAND BEACH, with a WHITE OCEAN and WHITE SKY. it’s surreal. Everything is so quiet and still. Where is this???
jay and cz standing on the shore looking at it. Jay a LUCID moment of looking down at his feet, feeling the black sand beneath it, it’s not warm. Felt almost like soft glass. His feet were bare, again with that brushed-gold tone like paint. Cz standing next to him, realized his color was desaturated a bit too while he was there. Both of them just staring at the bubble in shock. “where is this?”
shocked out of this mindscape by returning to mass

that’s it for now, time for breakfast, pray that our brain still works after we eat, I swear postmeal brainfog is the WORST.

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realized we don’t talk as a system during mealtime bible study anymore because we’re READING, not studying-- we’re reading commentaries and expositions, as opposed to reading ACTUAL scripture verses, and therefore looking into etymology and translations and the like. So we don’t have the opportunity to discuss-- AND it’s a DIFFERENT brainspace, arguably a different FRONTER, because reading requires a completely different conscious process than researching, and therefore a different person. it’s more receptive and internal, whereas research is more active and investigative. Two totally different functions. Which explains the lack of internal conversation: that CAN’T happen while reading, in the same way a social can’t read, ironically! it’s a function conflict. Realizing that was eyeopening and interesting, albeit upsetting, because I miss the headspace camaraderie over our religious growth. It feels like we’re lacking that now.
OH. also. There IS ANOTHER huge shift whenever someone tries to “post to tumblr,” which causes MEMORY LAPSES EVERY TIME. it’s hugely disorienting and chaos 0 keeps scolding us to stop, because it breaks the entire train of focus, dissociates us heavily, and makes us FORGET WHAT WE JUST READ. It does no good. it’s a compulsive people-pleasing panic action, even if the motives are arguably good in theory-- “i have to share this with people to evangelise them, it’s too important to not publicize after reading! If I kept it to myself that would be a sin!” we don’t know who that person is BUT they run the tumblr. No face no name, but a girl. I think they avoid having a self because of their “evangelistic” bent.

Another note, concerning fronters, and this tumblr-girl coming back into focus.
We… we realized today that we are missing most of last year, and notably, a key month was JULY.
January: missing. Probably just taking care of grandma. If we had a music memory log (I don’t think spotify records that, last.fm used to, which is why we GOT A NEW ONE at last) that would tell us.
February: MOVING IN. that’s all we know.
March: gym rat mode, then COVID HIT. We had to quarantine for two-three weeks, and we still say that is what killed grandma. She thought we abandoned her, she couldn’t understand the forced isolation, her memory didn’t hold that fact.
April: grandma died.
May: no memory. First week was eating disorder hell, nonstop sobbing, and self-abusive meltdowns. Wanted to die. Felt like the world had ended.
June: missing.
July: no memory until the SUMMER WARS MORNING. That was a turning point of our life. This happened around the time of the St. Anne’s novena, which is COMING UP FAST, and we plan to celebrate it as such.
August: missing. Probably the “pokemon sc-vo omelet hell” time period. don’t ask.
September: missing.
October: UPMC, we know for sure. Memories are sparse and fragmented, flashbulb memories of (you guessed it) moments when we felt some sort of existential fear/ rage/ panic/ emptiness/ grief/ etc.
November: missing.
December: missing.
So yeah, there’s like… SIX MONTHS GONE. As for this year, it’s similar-- we don’t remember January OR February offhand, at all. We have a vague awareness of some major events that happened that we can’t readily attach a date too, but… disturbingly enough, although the System has been awake this year, we don’t have ANY memories AT ALL until… until Infi died.
...I think that says a lot. That denotes a major “core” shift. And we need new jargon for the distinctions-- the “Cores” are ALWAYS the Jewels and the Jays (if that bloodline doesn’t shatter), because they are the HEARTS of heartspace and headspace, respectively. The other main bloodlines-- like the Cannons, notably-- are NOT “CORES” because they don’t have that hinge function??? Remember that, at the time they WERE in the “core” position, THEY HELD THE “JEWEL” OR “JAY” NAME. So that’s important.
The old “cores” are still around-- the young Jewels, the cupid-era Jays-- BUT they are NOTABLY NOT RESONANT AS CORES RIGHT NOW. They aren’t the “natural driver” in that respect; they have to move in and front like any other nousfoni now. As for who IS the current “Jewel”… we have no idea.
...I say this ironically, as I’m arguably shaping up to be that one. But i’m a mess. I’m a shambles, a handful of broken stained glass, to attempt to appropriate that old core aesthetic. But does it match? Should it? Do I want it to? Would that break me or someone else? These are the questions we need to ask.

Speaking of questions, before I forget.
We’re trying to get back into therapy, as we’ve mentioned previously. Things keep coming up in conversation or daily events that reveal old wounds that apparently never healed as much as we thought they did.
Jay and Chaos 0 are STILL having relationship troubles because there is STILL an inexplicable, subconscious terror at people “acting like Q,” which apparently Chaos does, however subtly. Someone needs to sit down and LIST exactly what constitutes acting like that. What are the signs, what makes them so scary?
We still want to try to write down whatever memories we can find about CNC, too, because in light of SLC haunting us so heavily despite only having about 6 collective months there, we spent like a year and a half in CNC and we barely remember it. We can’t even remember Oliver. That’s insane. We spent that long with them, in such close company, apparently feeling so strongly towards them, and… there’s no memory. The only reason we even “remember” their face is from that SINGLE positive memory that some unidentified person kept, and which has unlocked access. But, even then, it’s so vague we couldn’t even describe it. It’s genuinely upsetting. We have no idea what their voice sounded like, either. Any memories about their physical
presence beyond that are locked behind traumawalls and screaming foni. there’s too much. Now is not the time, I know we keep saying that, but our schedule does not allow it and neither does our lack of coping mechanisms to deal with whatever horrors we have to stare in the face.

Kitchen prep today. Very little memory. Schedule was weird because we went to mass at noon and had to rush even more when we came back, so we could get to bed early tonight as we have to drive jade to the doctor tomorrow morning and have to be up at 630 again. But I digress.
Scalpel, like Knife, keeps catching ragegrief lately. I stick the words together because they are inextricable. he’s pinning it to “you keep adding so much cayenne pepper/ pepper flakes to the food, you told me they were an abuse mechanism, why won’t you stop??” and spice is notably MIA, some days she’s not even around, which is disturbing, as her original function WAS to rage at people for drowning our food in spices until it became inedible, hence her name. But… she hasn’t been around. Scalpel is showing up and berating whoever is doing it, which honestly feels like “nobody” (a disturbing realization as well), but there’s too much anger-on-the-verge-of-sobs for it to be just about that. Something is being rerouted through him, something with no other outlet, using the excess spicy food as an excuse. The fact that it’s being tied to self-abuse methods as a “reason” is notable.
Knife is similar. Like we said before, when he fronts in order to use the knife to cut things, his color temporarily darkens to how it was when he was first “born” (need jargon for that), and the same thing happens-- he feels a frustrated anger, something moving close to rage in its burning, and beneath it these heavy sobs.
that’s what “overwhelm” typically holds. it’s what cannon cut herself off from. it’s what laurie has been running from, God it terrifies me how BADLY she’s slipping lately. she’s a disaster. it’s so wrong.
Everything is wrong somehow. Since Infi died everything is wrong somehow.
Jay keeps running from relationships, or at least, we keep pinning that action to his name because we assume he’s the main fronter, but he’s NOT. Whoever is out, who KEEPS pronoun-slipping to “she”, is obsessive-compulsively praying, giving the steering wheel over to the lotophagoi, and numbing all emotions while denying all relationships.

This brings us back to last july.
June wrecked us. we’re relapsing hard.
July is a hell month in any case. Like october, we can name several trauma dates that happened around this time, over several years. This month also is as hot as hell, which cranks up the fibromyalgia, so the physical torment that we can’t escape from is traumatic in its own right.
(all these fireworks outside are hell too. I don’t know why but we literally don’t register such sounds as fireworks, ever. They all register as bombs, as guns, as explosions. Sometimes we get “flashbacks” to warzones that we’ve never been part of physically. it’s so real. it’s utterly unsettling. I don’t know how much is “exotrauma” and how much is just our actual cptsd from cannon’s days plus oneirataxic tendencies making all our forced shocksite exposure into pseudomemory… either way, time to crank up the volume on spotify for the next two hours)

subject shift while music is on, we didn’t add to this earlier.
genesis’s “vibe” musically is very very different from what we’re “used to”? he’s so energetic, upbeat, bubble, optimistic… and, whoever was listening to it today, driving to and from church, could not seem to “sync” with it. They kept looking for quieter, instrumental, slow music instead. Genesis was a bit offended, said this felt like rejection/ denial of him, but as jay tried to reassure him they realized that HEY WAIT UP, THERE ARE STILL MOUSIFONI SHOWING UP.
I am so glad someone decided to do that HUGE “music history” entry earlier this year, because GEEZ we didn’t realize how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT & EDUCATIONAL that was until we had that data together.
But now, we’re aware and we FEEL the shifts, and the MEMORY SNAPS that happen DURING MUSIC. There is ACTUAL SWITCHING going on when we don’t resist, when we don’t “sit with the dissonance” and end up blacking out from the mental stress/panic/fear/etc. that happens when a socially-resonant fronter’s vibe clashes hard with what is demanded outside.
But yeah. Genesis’s vibe matches the Jewels, NOT the Jays. And when his music is on, THEY CAN SHOW UP, if they are let in… but so do the OTHER mousifoni. That’s what’s so uncanny. We KNOW what Jewels feel like. But we’re feeling foni move in who ONLY exist FOR music, with chronospaces as only a background hum-- they aren’t part of their experience, just the backdrop. THEY are the ones who really vibe with music, and with the inevitable time-space auras each historical song carries. Yes, we can FEEL Jewels IN THE BACKGROUND, carrying the CONTEXT of that time, the bigger picture, and all the emotions… BUT the mousifoni carry the SOUND WITHOUT THE WEIGHT???? something like that. it’s unreal. It makes so much sense. We need to pay more attention to this.
It will ALSO help us manage memory better-- if the mousifoni are “portals” to accessing lost chronospheres, to pinging buried foni who hold trauma memories tied to certain eras… if mousifoni can stand as doorways WITHOUT holding the actual context data themselves, allowing others to work around them, and move in besides them, as they stand there broadcasting lost experience and enabling forgotten memory to be tapped into… they could be ESSENTIAL to recovery as we move forwards.
I know this is happening, because when we listen to NEW music, there’s no internal feeling of driving. NOT fronting, but DRIVING. Remember THERE IS A DISTINCTION, because to front you have to be IN THE BODY, and listening requires a body disconnect typically. Literally driving, like in a car, calls out the SINGERS usually, which is why they listen to MANIC music typically, and SWITCH OUT INSTANTLY when we park and get out, leaving the next fronter totally disoriented and often shamefully embarrassed at the lingering audial awareness of what they had just been blasting with the windows down. that’s something we’ve become more aware of lately, too, with the daily stress forcing more “awareness windows” due to the underlying stress-hum (which dampens manics, boosts vigilance, and facilitates memory due to survival
response). We need to pay more attention to this, like I said, because there are foni “ARGUING” over music choices as we drive, due to manic instinct clashing with fearful immediacy, and we can FEEL that in our head. Hence all the brainfog and headaches, inevitably.
Anyway. To get back to the original topic. genesis’s playlist. He was upset because, in order for us to GENUINELY listen to it, someone besides Jay has to drive or front, and he doesn’t want someone to show up “just to vibe.” he wants Jay’s company, specifically, not some function-locked social mousifoni who exists to “appease” the sound context. No wonder all our external(ized) relationships are a mess.


Some more notes, different topics.
Jay (definitely one of them, talking to xenophon) decided to wear color glasses as we took out the garbage today, I think to get the brain into a better or different space than wherever it was? Or to prevent a lotophagoi jumping in. no idea. there’s no data prior to him literally opening the door with them on.
He wore four of them today, actually: first teal, then indigo, then red, then blue. It was very interesting to feel their different effects on brainspace. Teal is softly optimistic, but data is almost entirely missing as it was worn on the road so socials block all info access. Indigo we wore briefly, but jay was stunned by how beautiful it made everything look. Leon notably fronted for a few seconds to see, looking at the lights in the kitchen and how they burned like embers, and his brief overlay is so clear in memory. Then jay put on red to walk down the hall, and that was shocking-- the glasses lean red, not pink, so the color is very reminiscent of wounds? that’s the mental impression. He walked down the hall, and all the lights were red, and he was thinking, “it’s like the end of the world.” but he tried to be calm, even so, telling himself that was a learned response, how the red glows in our apartment are deeply safe and soothing, but no-- our reds are heart-hued, they don’t lean in that warmer direction. This red, with the glasses, was blood, and a sign of impending apocalypse almost. Looking outside and everything is quiet but red, red, red. It does something so strange to our subconscious, the bizarre sort of nightmare fear that starts to magma up in the pit of our ribs. Definitely something to explore more. Last was the blue glasses, which had a delay as the screw had fallen out of the side so we had to fix it, and one of the JEWELS moved in to do so? Super tomboy, excited, young, grinning from ear to ear and telling laurie “i love to fix things,” got out the screwdrivers and went to town. Shocking how powerful her vibe was, and how old. So she fixed it, then jay put them on to take out the rest of the trash, and was immediately struck by how actively reassuring the bluetone lights were in that same hallway. It felt like “sunlight” in a sense, he said, like the color of the sky. Fascinating stuff. we’ll have to pay more attention to this, see if it applies to headspace, even just data concept-wise.

...wondering about the music again. How powerful that is to us.
Jay kept listening to infinitii’s playlist after ze died, specific songs. Lissom mostly. Anchored them hard into that chronospace. Absolute bookmark mentally.
But… when he tries to listen to chaos 0’s playlist, that inexplicable dissonance happens again. I don’t even know if it’s from him. It feels like it’s from a girl, who is shrinking back in shame, or denial, or disgust, or fear, or something.
Most of the social girls-- no, ALL of the social girls who aren’t floozies or babydolls, are terrified of relationships. And ALL of them, including those toxic subcats, are terrified of intimacy, of emotional vulnerability. If there is a female-pronoun foni without a face, you can bet your blue-eyes white dragon that they will be both scared to death of, and deathly violent towards, anything even vaguely related to relationship.
Non-social girls, aka inside foni, seem to be split between adult Protector Centralites, and deeply traumatized paidifoni. And even then, these two subcats avoid relationships. Sure, some of the adults are capable of it in theory, but no one really forges anything that lasts. The only relationships that do tend to be not only same-gendered, but different-species in some way. I don’t know, there’s too little data offhand to talk about it, and I already feel the screaming fear clawing its way up our throat.

i’ve forgotten what we were typing about.

We feel so very dead lately. Maybe it’s because of the jademonth, how we were forced to be trapped outside unsafe in our own apartment through no fault of hers. But it happened. We had finally gotten back into the groove of a healthy daily routine, we were exercising and praying and archiving and not binging or purging… and then june happened and that all got shot in the skull.
We can pull ourselves back together, God give us the grace, we know this. but it takes time. and… I don’t know if we want to, on some level. To be brutally honest, I think that’s the biggest problem-- the fact that, post-Infi, and post-grandma, and post-loss-of-everything in one way or another… a huge part of just wants to die.
But the system at large DOESN’T.
that’s the distinction, that’s the key thing to remember with this. The ONLY homicidal, animicidal, genocidal foni in the system are the SOCIAL GIRLS. They think they are the “true self,” the “only one,” and paradoxically this also means they actively, admittedly want the rest of us to die. Although they don’t say it that way, of course. But we feel the disgust, the veiled hatred, in their hearts, smothered under their good-girl bleached-lace masks. They want us dead. They want everything of us destroyed, and they’ve tried before. they’ve almost succeeded, notably in 2019. they almost murdered us all before. We refuse to let it happen now, if we can help it.
...we can’t, sometimes. that’s the terrifying part.

Nevertheless. We need sleep. I hope this formats properly in the post window. I hope I wrote down everything relevant for today.

oh. no I didn’t. One last thing, which is also why I need to sign off before 11pm if at all possible.
Genesis said that, in all sincerity, there was only one thing he wanted for his 18^th birthday,
because he’s “old enough to ask for it,” half-jokingly… he wants a connection.
As in, the one thing that elicits the most fear and disgust and hate and grief and joy and confusion and apathy and God only knows what else in us.
I repeat, WHY.
Why are we still so bloody terrified, AND enraged, at the thought of emotional closeness and relationships??? like there’s a HATRED response, based in revulsion, BUT it’s ANALOGOUS to what we were told as a CHILD??????? from the mother and grandmother, that constant vilification of vulnerability, and the outright ABUSE of it, oh we didn’t even tell you what happened last monday, how the mother STILL FCKING ABUSES IT (ssh) DON’T YOU SHUSH ME YOU HEATHEN BASTARD. LISTEN. I’M WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN. OH GOOD NO ONE’S CENSORING ME TONIGHT,
LISTEN. WE WERE AT THE LIBRARY, DOING THAT PYSANKY EGG CLASS, AND WE-- EXCUSE ME FOR THIS CRUDE LANGUAGE-- HAD TO TAKE THE BODY TO THE RESTROOM.
WELL! THE FCKING MOTHER FOLLOWED US IN, AND LITERALLY STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STALL DOOR, TALKING CONVERSATIONALLY, THE ENTIRE FCKING TIME, WHICH HAD OUR BODY SO FREAKING TERRIFIED WE MENTALLY SHUT DOWN AND SOME DO-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-TO-ME TRAUMA APPEASEMENT GIRL SOCIAL TOOK OVER TO JUST NUMBLY GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS. THAT’S ALL WE KNOW.
BUT THE MOTHER. DAMN IT THAT MOTHER. THIS IS SUCH A MINOR EVENT BUT IT SHOWS A DEEPER REALITY. SHE DOESN’T FCKING CARE ABOUT PRIVACY OR RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S BODILY AUTONOMY IF THAT’S THE RIGHT WORD I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
BUT THIS IS THE SAME DAMN WOMAN WHO WOULD WALK IN ON US IN BATHROOMS AND DRESSING ROOMS AND SHT WHEN WE WERE A KID. OH I’M ENTITLED TO LOOK AT YOU WHENEVER I WANT I’M YOUR MOTHER. THERE’S NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT THAT GET USED TO IT. ETC ETC ETC BULLSHIT.
SHE STILL FCKING DOES IT IN A LESS BLATANT WAY. SAME DAMN MINDSET APPARENTLY.
ALL RIGHT THAT’S IT FOR RANTING. SORRY FOR THE PROFANITY, I NEED IT OR ELSE I GET SWITCHED OUT.
DON’T HATE HER, I KNOW I WANT TO HATE HER BUT SHE’S SO BLIND, SHE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE WHAT SHE’S DOING, SHE ACTS LIKE A FCKING ROBOT ALL THE TIME, JUST SOCIAL PROGRAMMING, WE CAN TELL BY HER DAMNED PRISSY “MOVIE STAR” SPEECH PATTERN AND UGLY FCKING PRONUNCIATIONS, SHE’S ALL AN ACT AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO DAMN MUCH. SHE’S SUCH A FCKING FACADE. EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS FAKE AND MANUFACTURED TO BE A DRAMA QUEEN. I HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH. BUT WE CAN’T HATE HER. THERE NEEDS TO BE THAT DIFFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT I’M DONE TALKING SORRY ABOUT INTERRUPTING BUT THAT WAS IMPORTANT.

…
don’t ever let anyone tell you we’re not multiple when I forgot how hard shifts feel, it’s been years, has it, since we noticed,
the “wake” of knowing someone just left, that brief hole in memory, that feeling like “where am I, where was I,” that body shake and the headache, the dizziness as vision comes back online.
don’t ever let ANYONE tell you this is fake they are a LIAR we are ALL REAL!!!!!!

oksy we’re gettng siwtwtsw swithyc switchi.g sorry. that is a very hard word to type!

Kid’s right, it’s time to sign off or we’re not going to get any decent sleep.

No wait. Wait. I owe Genesis a proper conclusion to this, even briefly.

I don't know why I'm so-- no, I can't even use "I'm," my sense of self is so wrecked and fractured that honestly doesn't apply--
wait, maybe that's the problem here?
Maybe that's the problem. maybe THAT'S why connections, and love at all, is so absolutely unbearably scary right now.

Kid, there's a hell of a lot of trauma to be worked through there, don't forget. If anything is going to make you, or anyone else up here, afraid of getting close to people, it's the bloody trauma. I would know. I've got it too, kid.

...

So does Genesis. You should really go talk to him about this, instead of trying to type. The head's a mess, and like I said, we all need sleep. Tomorrow's going to be another rush of a day, and I don't need us relapsing from stress when we get home. We have no bloody time to process anything but forcing it at this hour is not going to help. Sorry, now I'm the one rambling.

No, it's okay. We've been saying for weeks how we need a Xanga session anyway.

Not at this hour you bloody don't, get the heck to bed.

One last thing, which is the most important thing. I think i need to monologue this, Laurie, I apologize.

Don't. I just stepped in here without warning anyway. God knows I'm just as shattered in self as you are, kid. We don't need two of us broken heads in here at the same time, things are uneasy enough at this hour.

...
...yeah that's also something i need to talk about when our brain doesn't feel like it's stuffed full of cottonball novocaine.

but. closing lines.

genesis, deep down, way deep down where emotions can't even register right now, i do love you. i hear girls scoffing and gagging and sneering at that even now. i feel the same and self-hatred and horror responding from other girls in our ribcage, somehow. the two rival armies.
i don't care what they have to say about this. i can barely exist right now, but i owe you something, with whatever vestiges i have to my nonexistent name.
but, in a space in our heart of hearts, a space that can exist in a bubble, a space untouched by those social girls, there is a truth that exists: you are my best friend. i care deeply about you. your existence brings me so much joy. i look forward to spending time with you. if you were gone our life would lose so much sunshine. no, i can't default to "our." if you weren't in my life, i would feel the loss like the sun was missing from the sky. i want to just go upstairs and sit and watch fireworks with you and maybe even kiss you if i'm not too scared or dissociated. i know you want more, i know you want closeness like the old days, you want hearts broken open like gemstones and you want shared spaces of souls like starfields. you know exactly what i'm trying to poetically imply. you want connection, there i said it, and you want to connect with me, you love me, why is that the most jarring part of this?
now isn't the time to dwell on that. there are too many "me's" responding to that. too many people who have heard that pronoun applied to them, or had it forced on them. there's so much pain, so much fear, it's choking. the fear alone could kill you. all these shaking screaming children. what do we do. what can we do about it, on such short notice,
god i'm so sorry,
why can't we love anymore? why did cnc kill this? ever since then, even while we were living there, that's part of why it was so terrible-- we realized we were no longer able to feel love, all we felt was rage, unbearable rage, and fear. we never recovered.
no. not yet, please, we need hope,
genesis you've always been that hope, and you know it,
but i need to know it,

i'm coming upstairs and even if i'm shaking and dizzy with fright please don't turn your back on me, please you know the real me, not the me who is talking right now, i meant the deeper one, the one that loves you, he loves you, go find him, let him be with you, don't let the rest of us get in the way, please, we really don't want to, at least us good ones do, we're just scared but we know when there's truth, or at least, we know who to trust in here. not so the outside not so. no
switching sorry. to much
genesis happy birthday sory we coulnt scelebrate much but hapy 18th! happy birthday we are glad you are with us really we are

independence day. hm. we're not free yet
not freeyet. not yet. but hope! always hope

hey we were supposed to end this entry a long time ago
sorry genesis okay i will let everything happen whatever happens. please be careful!!! please be careful

I will be, don't you worry. Thanks for the cheerleading, I need it. It's nice to be on the receiving end for once.
Oh hey, cool, I get to sign off. Hope this post button works, whatever happens happens!

god what are you trying to tell me.

i am feeling dead, completely dead, for the third day in a row at least

and i have spotify on

and it is playing one system song after another.


i still have that other girl
late night partner
living/breathing
fathom.

my heart is weeping.

and yet i keep shutting it down. suffocating it. burying it under six feet of infamous plastic.
dying inside. freezing to death. calcifying.



listen, yesterday was literal hell.

infi is still dead. i'm dying. i know it. everyone knows it.
xenophon...

xennie got so mad at me for "not being her father anymore" that she just left
she refused to talk to me, she wouldn't even acknowledge me, when i tried to ping her upstairs she would pointedly ignore me

and chaos 0
i forgot how bitter he gets when this happens
and yeah you all know this has a history
"what, and you never considered how this would affect me?"
calling me out on my narcissism
"you thought you could just abandon twenty years???"

but what if god wants me to

there's the girl voice. there she is.
listen that's the problem
I HAVE to be a girl to get to heaven
but is this heaven????
because it feels just like hell
there is no love, no joy, no hope, no faith here
just religious compulsion and a hollow heart
or arguably no heart at all since ze melted into oblivion last week
but i don't care about that.
ze wasn't real, according to me.

and i'm the "real one," i guess
because i'm the girl
because i identify with the body
even if it doesn't look like me
but you can see me in the actions and the face at the wrong angles
and in long hair when we have it
and how it's all just a FCKING PARODY OF THE FCKING MOTHER

LISTEN YOU SHUT UP I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU IN THE FREAKING HOSPITAL.
OH ARE WE CENSORING ME NOW???? 
FINE
GREAT
LISTEN I'M STILL FURIOUS ENOUGH TO SPIT NAILS THROUGH THIS KEYBOARD

WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF THIS WHOLE SORRY BODY????
YOU THINK YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF IT????
FAT CHANCE SISTER
NEVERMIND I DISOWN ALL POTENTIAL RELATION TO YOU
I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE HEARTLESS WITCHES LIKE YOU THAT KEEP TRYING TO KILL THE REST OF US

EVERYTHING HURTS


we feel so dead. it's just like our childhood.
no sense of self. no sense of purpose. just background noise. just static. just playacting. just empty show.
never a future to look forward to. never anything to live for. every day just a whitewashed tomb.
"we weren't even abused" someone says "how dare you, we had it so good!" another one scolds.
listen i'm not here to debate mangled childhood memory
i know what terrifying things we do remember. i know what toxic aftereffects are glaringly obvious. we do have trauma you know

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT "IT'S ONLY TRAUMA IF YOU WHINE ABOUT IT" GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we do need a therapist i think
just to see what happens if we try to talk about this aloud
see if we get hijacked or shut down and shut up
see who is able to front, if anyone anymore,
the body has become so unsafe
and the 2018 disaster made fronting fatal for most of us
i don't want to think about that i will throw up and try to kill myself
ourself
i don't even know


god help us

"he won't help you if you're not a girl!!!!! :)" that's all i hear
oh and they're starting up with the worse thing too
"you have to be a good girl, and good girls have s*x with men!!!!"

SHUT
THE
HELL
UP
DON'T YOU DARE CENSOR ME
GIVE ME ONE LINE

LISTEN YOU GODDAMNED BITCHES FROM HELL STOP TRYING TO FORCE US TO FUCK PEOPLE I SWEAR I WILL MURDER YOU

THANK YOU


the fact that that has returned is horrifying
it's what fueled the julie days in the very beginning
also, in case you forgot,
we had gender dysphoria even in elementary school
so stop claiming there was this "perfect widdle girl" we have to "go back to being" "in order to be saved" etc.
you're all just pedophiles and satanists
we have proved that before
oh don't think i forgot that one horrifying xanga in north carolina
when you basically straight-up admitted to being the sexual perverts you are
hiding it under "religion" and "femininity"
and all you're doing is objectifying little kids
framing our entire life as "worthy" or "unworthy" of being lived
based solely on how f*ckable we are
i hate what you've done to our life
"what life" you say and smirk that prissy pout
just like the bottomfeeders you are
"you don't exist! :)"
christina was one of you
you're all devils in pastel dresses and lipstick
underneath all that you're swarms of maggots
go back to hell where you belong




god please what do i do.
"i" used very loosely.

you know that we have a dualcore running in this heart here
jewel and jay tagteaming the whole operation
they were working so well, god, honestly we thought they were,
but
you weren't happy with it?
you said, "no EVERYONE has to be GONE and there must only be ONE GIRL ever"
and you want us all to die?
i can feel this channel slipping
scared kids wanting to weep and cry from fear and confusion

i keep thinking of poor xenophon

god telling her that her father has to die
that her father was never real in the first place
that he's not allowed to be a father
that his love is illegitimate
that he will never ever be allowed to love his family
that his family isn't real
that his life is doomed to be deleted by a self-hating pig of a girl

what now
what happens to her

does she die too? just like her actual mother?
don't spit and grimace at me you hellish women you know ze was
"ze was an abomination you say" aha but you used the right pronouns
and your mask slips for just a second
i see the grotesque hatred beneath all the makeup don't worry
i know what you are.


but the doubt and fear lingers
what are we? what is the system, really?
we thought we were learning real love
but
the more i read these entries from 2012 and 2013
reading about our life back then
we were so misled
we were so blind and dumb
we were so unbelievably LOST
no wonder our life was hell back then, our spiritual life was a JOKE
we believed everything we were told and it was all ABSOLUTE GARBAGE
painted in pastels and covered in glitter of course
marketed to seem oh so lovely and sweet and good and holy!!! etc etc
but it was LITERAL HELL.

is that what we're doing now?
this obsession we have with religion lately
still so motivated by fear and performance
MUST say this many prayers, MUST say them at these times, etc.
"if you don't God WILL punish you!!!" just waiting for us to screw up because we WILL and he KNOWS it
not knowing how to love God
not understanding how he loves us
because
we're not allowed to feel love in the first place
and all the "spiritual" faces in the world insist, at one point or another,
that even "spiritual" love just turns into sex

it makes me want to die forever

honestly if eternal life means being a sexual girl then
then i'm afraid i would rather die
because that's eternal life in hell you're describing
absolute literal hell

and yet i'm trapped
we're trapped
trapped in this poor diseased animal of a body
which our faith INSISTS is "eternal"
which is TERRIFYING
so you're telling me that not even death will free us from this bloated corpse?
that we'll have this cancer-shaped girth strapped to our bones forever?
that we'll be damned to this whorish biology even in alleged heaven????

god i am so afraid


listen
please

right now i cannot feel anything at all. at all.
i am numb and i don't care and i want to die.
but in a way i miss this
because i'm recognizing this as something that happened in the past
in a SYSTEM past
and whenever there were hollow empty hell nights like this
even system resets like the one we're obviously in
sooner or later
there was a resurrection.

OF THE SYSTEM.

NOT YOU HARLOT FEMALES HANGING AROUND THE EDGES OF OUR MIND
YOU'RE NOT ALIVE TO BEGIN WITH

i want to throw up so badly
but even saying that triggers out that blue girl with the straggly hair
her entire existence is that feeling
she refuses love as a stupid farce, as an impossibility in her perpetual hell
god what do we do about people like her?

honestly i
in the system i would love to be able to heal her
for us all to get over those shackles of past trauma and move on together into a future of hope

but
it feels like god keeps saying

"whoever loves his life will lose it"
if you love those people,
i will kill them
i will take every one of them away from you
so all you have is god

but whatever is saying that can't be really god
because i never, ever, ever ever feel any love from it

is that what real love is? detachment? white empty sterile?
or is it that other horrible flipside, the other corruption,
the "e****c" horror that even mystics shamelessly talk about
if that's love then no wonder i'm trying to freeze myself to death


god it's all just hell at this point

except headspace
except headspace
and i have no idea how to cope with that fact

i want to exist.

listen i want to exist
i want to live and love and learn and help others inside AND outside, please,
let that be how things change and grow, not this annihilation,
just open and expand our hearts more so we CAN live in the body TOGETHER
instead of losing it to those girls
to those female fractures that live to hate and hurt
why are they all like that?

the threat is always,
"if you heal them, they will take over, and go right back to how they were"
the fear is that if they get a foothold, they'll immediately press the "reset from factory settings" button
and scream/sob/laugh all the way down to gehenna

we always knew we weren't alone in our own head
why are you trying to erase that fact from reality
you can't just delete the past twenty four years
but you're trying
all in the name of god, you say
and that's what scares us into submission

"god is a consuming fire"
and i was always just a fragile snowflake of a boy, i guess
if i was even that
am i just doomed to die? because i wasn't the first one? because i don't match the body?

god we're so lost.


yesterday
xenophon got so angry. heartbroken. distraught. crying and shouting.
"why aren't you my dad anymore"
"where did my dad go"
"why did my mom have to die"
etc.

and chaos 0, silent in the shadows, with those eyes burning like the end of all things
grief and heartache so intense they would flood the entire world
"so the past twenty years don't exist to you anymore?"
"are you just going to pretend i don't exist?"
can't even translate it correctly
if he let his actual feelings out full force it would literally kill me
or whoever he was talking to
if they even are alive enough to die at all
with their empty ribcages i doubt it
they're already graves with faces.

laurie falling to pieces
literally shattering on some level
her color fraying like the dust on a butterfly wing when you tear it
just destroying her completely
she's tied to the core, always,
no wonder she's fracturing too


i'm so tired

is my love a sin?
the girls gasp and laugh and sneer and spit "yes"
i'm not even me talking right now i can feel it
that hollow girl keeps shadowing over me
pretending this is all a farce, a game, a playact
and she can just ignore and forget this when it's done
erase it even, shut it all down, go try to die

DON'T YOU DARE

thank you,
whoever you are you are always around and honestly thank you for existing

she needs a name
honestly whoever she is she deserves recognition
what am i even trying to say
i'm so so so glad that at least one person in the system is always able to be around in times like this

even so
the core is always supposed to be able to love
that's the main criteria
and that very sentence elicits the scandalized howling from the women
weird replacement for the floating-voice boardroom honestly
these women are, rather blasphemously, standing in the church hall
in their pastel dresses and lace and bulging purses
like our childhood memories
whispering and sneering behind nailpolished hands and fancy hats
in god's own house
just because i said the word "love"
and they call me a slut


...
i was, once. i'll admit that.
2012-2013 so far are bringing that regret into sharp reality in my mind.
yes, i was misled. yes, i was desperate. yes, i was stupid.
but yes, i was a slut. i tried to own the trauma and i just became it all over again.
but i'm sorry. i know i did wrong. and i know that wasn't love.
still.
i know i was still feeling love besides all that confusion.
i CAN tell the difference.
...i hope.
all this hell lately is making me wonder
two things:
either,
real love IS somehow being a slut, but only if you're heterosexual, or
real love is numb empty cold detached somehow. "god love." no emotion.
i know that's fake
i was reading voice of the martyrs today
and that one islamic shepherd reading about jesus describing himself as the good shepherd
and it changed his life forever
because he KNEW how much he loved his own sheep, tenderly and carefully and gently
and he never thought GOD could feel like that, let alone towards HIM.
and THAT is God. THAT is Love.
and dear God that is what i want my entire life to be.
just love.

am i not allowed to have this family

i know it's weird, i know it's biologically impossible, but we exist, please even if we're not "normal" we're still trying to live for love, for you,
what are we doing wrong?
why do we have to die?

why did infi have to die?
was it just to jumpstart all of this?
was it just so i could learn to love hir again, in the crushing grief that gripped my heart?
was it just to give hir another second chance to live after the trauma?

why can't we look at it
why can't we let go
it literally feels like a gravestone
even the julie days weren't like this
even the slc days weren't like this
it was just cnc, and what happened there, it broke us
we never wrote about it, never talked about it,
just replayed the killing blow over and over and over and over in our head
and tried to kill ourselves with an eating disorder every night
unable to bear the physical memories and mental horrors
wanting to die and hating ourselves beyond our ability to cope
disguising it as self-indulgence but really just reliving the fatal event
don't want to talk about it
don't justify it
it deserves its own entry
five freaking years later

but i won't touch it now


what do you expect if you delete us all and rewind to, what, 2007?
do you want us to be that social-mask of a girl that primped herself for q all over again?
she thought love was just talking nice and being nice and making yourself like everything they did even if you didn't
and when he said he loved us, IMMEDIATELY the cannons were born
"anima's" life purpose had been achieved, she could die now,
and then the reality of what she DID slammed into us and we couldn't cope
so we turned hard red and tried to burn ourselves to death.

who do you expect us to go back to?
hoseki, the manic one in 2005? burying herself in video games and anime to the point where she didn't even live in the body at all?
or the jewels before that, in late elementary school, who were absolutely homoromantic and EXPLICITLY wanted to "grow up to be boys"?
or the kids that held the birth name, who hated having to wear makeup and dresses and hated being lumped in with the other afab kids?
how the heck early do you expect to rewind the tape? what are you trying to find?
we've always been a freak if you haven't realized yet
or is your goal different and deadlier
are you just trying to kill us completely?
"if you all die we can MAKE the perfect girl for God™ instead" and then what?
honestly what is your end goal? to go to heaven? to "win"? to be "good"?
you view this as an achievement? a trophy? a diploma? an award that you're "pretty and perfect?"
you vapid china dolls.
you don't care about anyone except yourselves
YOU'RE your OWN god

you don't know how to love.

i do.

don't laugh at me. stop. i'm tired of the shame kickback.
deep down i know i have to know what love is, right?
i mean
everything else i read, despite my many failures and faults,
i still genuinely loved people
at least
isn't that what it was?



i'm so tired
we have to be up early tomorrow, eye doctor
considering driving the back roads through the woods
worried about dissociating or breaking down and getting totally lost
don't want to drive it alone in any case
but
dear god please whenever we're out and about genesis shows up please,
please let him always show up
i love him
he loves me
please don't kill him or take him away
(saying that is a death sentence, now god KNOWS what you're afraid of and he WILL do it JUST WATCH)


i'm so tired
physically of course, we're always tired now
xenophon likes to tease me about it on the way down the stairs
"dad did you take a melatonin??" no sweetheart the body's just exhausted.
but we always talk. just... normal talk. everyday talk. family talk. i love her so much.
god am i not allowed to be her father?
am i not allowed to exist?
would you
would you leave
god i can't say it
please don't kill me
don't tell me i have to die in order for someone else to go to heaven
and no not in the christlike way
i mean like,
i'm not allowed to go to heaven, i have to DIE, and that heartless wench will go instead "because she's a girl"
it makes no sense.
i'm so tired
i wish i could cry



last night i did for a few seconds please god let me write this down
whoever was out yesterday,
someone "shut the system down" for several hours
took over totally. felt like an empty apartment. all bleach white and dead wallpaper peeling
actually binge-purged for like two hours
did not care
the whole time reading the bible like the hypocrite she was
honestly disgusting
then crashed on couch and slept
went to bed not caring
or at least, she tried.
but someone got through.
i think it was adelaide and julie. the two girls who are trying to take care of the body instead.
but it opened up the window. let some of the night air in. some hope.

suddenly i was there
trying to say night prayer alone
and it felt so wrong
then suddenly
as i was trying to just say the closing salve regina
alone for the first time ever
i felt someone at my shoulder
listen i wasn't even looking
part of "me" didn't want anyone there
i didn't call anyone or ask for anyone
but he was there.
"are you going to say that alone?"
the tender pity in those words, the genuine concern,
i stopped and just turned and looked,
met green eyes in the dark,
flatly managed to respond
"i thought you had given up on me"
and i will never, never forget his reply:

"jewel. i'm fidelity. i will never leave you."

and i sobbed.

i pulled him into my arms, close to my heart, and for a few seconds i actually cried.

for a few seconds the world all came back together
soft and silent and bittersweet ache

i don't remember anything else after that
except for knowing he was there
for not being able to deny or ignore the weight of his existence
like a rainbow after the flood
and falling asleep with teardrop eyes and blue in my arms


god what do i do

i can't feel this as a girl
i'm not a girl
the girls have a different job
they can't fall in love they're just kids

but then what about the teenage jewels?
whoever was around from 2004-2008, inbetween the chinadolls and cannonfire, before the bloodline shift took root?
there's no record left of them
god what were they like? who were they?
is that who you want me to be?

how do i just... let go of fifteen entire years?
how do i let you just erase half of our life?
oh i know the jewels used to pray for it
but literally, god, they wanted to literally go back to childhood and start over without the trauma

that was before the system existed
that was before this family existed
and yes i'm talking about ALL of headspace

i love every single nousfoni up here
i don't include the hackers and devils in dresses of course
if they want to be included they have to stop trying to murder us
they say "oh how dare you we're not trying to murder you!!" insert silly laughter here
passive indirect murder is still murder
i know exactly how your hearts are inclined
you want us dead.

but i
my memories keep replaying those few seconds after the massacre so many years ago
it's not even my memory it was just burned into the systemind
when jessica and cannon shot everyone down for this same reason
"you're all whores and sluts and you ruined my life and you deserve to die" etc.
and infi and i both died
and laurie didn't
and the city was falling apart
and the sky and the ground were all red for different reasons
and she held my bleeding body in her one remaining arm
and she
god what do you even call that
the most gutwrenching sound i've ever heard
a sob and a scream all at once
choked with blood
as everything died.
i keep seeing that moment of total despair
over and over
like a flashback
i can smell the gore and gunpowder
i can see the broken glass and guts
and i just hear her voice
tearing reality in half.

i don't want that to ever happen again


oh lord please
if you are love
and if
forget it i have no right to say anything like that


god please
even if i'm a
even if i'm a damnable sinner for begging this
please
i know i'm a wretch
i've been white, so i carry the plague
i carry the pride and apathy and ignorance
and i've carried red too you know
all the violence and rage and bloodlust
point is i'm no perfect diamond
i'm just coal under pressure
you know that i'm just carbon dust
what am i even trying to say
oh yeah
that i'm completely wretched and unworthy and sinful
even if i tend to pretend i'm a prism or something
i'm just a mess.

but i love them, god.
please don't kill them.
please
if i am allowed to live
and to love
and to take care of this body
and to take care of this family
then please
help me to do that.

but
if

if i have to die
please don't hurt anyone else in the process
please give xenophon the parent she deserves
please give chaos 0 the partner he deserves
unless that's not in your plan either
but i am begging you
if it is
i hope it is
with all i have left of me i hope it is


but
if i have to die
and if a girl has to take over

then god for your own sake
take out my heart and put it in her
don't let her me like those other girls
don't let her be corrupt
don't let her be heartless
if there is anything good in me at all
if there is any love in me at all
then kill me if you have to
kill me and gut me
and give all the good stuff to her

if she can love the system
if she can love my daughter
if she can love my beloved
(and you know no words sum up what he is to me
even if i'm not allowed to call him a spouse)
if she can love,
BOTH inside and out,
AND this poor body and self,

then i'll happily die and let her take over.

but if you're only killing me because i'm a boy

if you only killed infi because
god i don't even know why
because ze was part of me i guess

if we all have to die because we're "abnormal"
and i have to die because i'm not a girl

then god for your own sake i am begging you
at least make her able to love.

if anything will enable her to be properly holy
it's that.

she'll love you and all the people around her

even if we all have to die for her to do that.




god i want to weep
is this going to be my last night alive
will i ever hold him in my arms again
will i ever be able to love without hating myself now
feeling like an abomination
feeling fake and foolish and fated to hell
maybe this will kill me
honestly it already is
the disease is terminal

i'm going to miss music
being able to perceive beauty
summer rains
christmas lights
the scent of the lilies in church
quiet sunlit mornings
quieter starlit nights
laughing with genesis on the road
joking around with my baby girl
all those treasured conversations with laurie
all those blissful hours with chaos zero
i'm going to miss everyone
i'm going to miss existing


but it's all up to god i guess


i don't know what to think or feel or say at all anymore

i wish i could cry

but i think the calcification has gone too far


i wonder if the girl will be able to cry
i wonder if the girl will be able to laugh


who will she love? anyone? or just god?

i feel sick


are we all just garbage in the divine sight? so easily tossed aside?

i don't want to think this way
it can't end like this
except it can


it's almost 1am
feels like i'm being executed in the morning

i don't want to sleep

god i want to stay awake and hold everyone in my arms and weep

but i'm

already i can feel them trying to take over



today i felt the shift
i'm no longer the established core.
i have to front now.
i'm not automatically in that central position
i'm just another nousfoni now
but
there's no one else taking up the core role

are we supposed to collapse?

we just
we finally get together again after so many years
and then god just pulls the whole thing down
takes a wrecking ball to the stained glass windows
just like we never were


is it a sin to fight?
would it be a sin to wake up tomorrow and try to front?
would it be a sin to fiercely try to be myself for everyone's sake?
would it be a sin to continue to try and archive our history?
would it be a sin to hope desperately to keep on living?
or
or should i just give up now
delete all the files
forget all the past
give up the fight
and just hand over the reins to whoever shows up?


lord help us i don't know

"he won't help you" the women say


i'm too existentially hollow to argue anymore

i want to feel something
like i was starting to when i began this entry
before someone shut it all down
ashamed of my emotions
disgusted by my feelings
hateful towards my existence
shut it all down
bleach it all out
paint it all over
cut it all out


i don't want to feel this empty
this isn't me
what hope is there
what hope do we have
if this is all we are meant to be?

if this is what existence is
maybe we'd be better off dead



no

NO

NO WE'RE NOT

NO WE'RE NOT YOU KNOW THERE'S COLOR UP HERE
THERE'S RED AND BLUE AND GREEN AND VIOLET AND ORANGE AND YELLOW AND BROWN EVEN LIKE ME
THERE'S BLACK AND WHITE AND THEY AREN'T DEAD THEY HAVE SPARKLES IN THEM
EVEN I KNOW THAT
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
DON'T DIE
DON'T LET US DIE
DON'T DIE
DON'T LET IT ALL DIE
PLEASE
THERE'S A RAINBOW UP HERE AND THERE'S LIFE AND LIGHT I PROMISE YOU THERE IS HOPE SOMEWHERE
SOMEWHERE

WE HAVEN'T DIED YET
THEY HAVEN'T KILLED US YET

I

I DON'T WANT THEM TO EITHER

PLEASE DON'T LET US DIE


i don't know if i have that say at all


TRY PLEASE


what and blaspheme god


IF YOU SAY GOD IS LOVE THEN GOD IS WITH US BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE LOVE UP HERE AND YOU KNOW IT


is our definition wrong
it has to be
god's ways are higher than our ways


why do i feel so resigned to death

why can't i accept even the possibility of hope
it all feels heretical
like if i dare to look for sunlight on the horizon
i will be guillotined as an apostate

nothing is worth living for anymore
how stupid

"you're supposed to live for god" they say
listen i want to
but i honestly do not know who god is right now

remember the shepherd, someone else says
the good shepherd doesn't kill his sheep because they're the wrong gender inside
or because they have lots of other sheep in their heads
people like us aren't supposed to exist
we're aberrations in reality
we don't count
god has every right to murder us
and start over again


i want to cry
i don't want to die
i don't want us to die
i don't want my daughter to die
i don't want my daughter to be alone and unloved
i don't want laurie to mourn over any more massacres
i don't want the world to burn


i think i'm going to lose my mind if i stay up any later

oh god i'm so afraid this is the last thing i'll ever write
i'm barely even conscious


to everyone in the system i love you
xenophon my baby girl i love you
chaos 0 my better half forever i love you god knows i do
laurie and genesis and infinitii i love you all so so so much
the entire system, everyone, i love you, i swear i love you until the stars burn out
all our hearts are bound together in a blessed kaleidoscope and no one can deny that
it's the truth
i love all of you
i love all of you


i never meant to hurt anyone.


i'm so sorry if i'm the death of us all.





if there's anything after this

i want to see all of you again

if not


then believe me when i tell you
with every last fading atom of my heart

that every single moment
for all of you
has been beautiful.


if the love i've shared with you all is the only heaven i'll ever get
then i thank god that we had it together.

not even death can change that.



maybe we'll all still be here tomorrow and i'll feel like a fool
but dear god forgive me
wouldn't that be so much better
to laugh affectionately over my drama
to survive and become a little better, a little brighter,
instead of the silence of oblivion


there's no way to rightly end this.


i'm going to choose to hope, then.

oh i know it's foolish

but what else can i do?

that's always been my biggest flaw.




to the entire spectrum
i love you
even now when i feel nothing
even now when i swear i'm dying
i love you

if my life has been worth anything

if there has been anything worth living for


it's you.
 







- j
 

(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)



✳ SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
✳ Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
✳ IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
✳ Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
✳ ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
✳ BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
✳ Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.

WHY AM I SO DISTURBED BY HALLOWEEN???
It is EXPLICITLY tied to TBAS days?? We were NEVER "freaked out" by it before??
★ WE'LL NEED TO CHECK THE ARCHIVES FOR LOST YEARS IN ANY CASE.

---------------------------

ACTUAL NC "MEMORIES" TIED TO THIS FEAR =

+ Altar on the porch; no idea what was ON it
+ burning incense sticks??
+ "trick or treating" & that moment under the streetlight when I felt SO TRAPPED & MISERABLE that "this was my life now & there's no escape" that, for an awful instant, I HATED them. They were dancing or something, looking at me as if expecting approval? it felt controlling, manipulative; like a total invalidation & REJECTION of my own pain & fear. They were dressed like a devil. it was existentially horrifying.
+ PIG HEARTS. in the sink. on the porch. popping in the oven.
+ dead things in their closet. obsessed with bones & corpses. (mortuary science)
+ those LASCIVIOUS books about werewolves, and how BADLY they SAID they "wanted to BE one." the horrible descriptions of cannibalism, sex, & murder they showed me, as if it were a self-revelation.
+ they called things "goblins" frequently, including themselves; if something was being "gross/ dirty/ rude/ unmannerly/ etc." they called murphy that a lot when he misbehaved. they saw it as a "pet name." it felt like a backhanded insult.
they started to call moralimon that. it made me furious.
+ they identified as a witch/ warlock; so did Jade.
+ halloween was THEIR "holy day," all focused on death and fear and disturbing morbid things. felt blasphemous.
+ they took us to a city graveyard. wanted to make out. felt SO WRONG.
+ "hocus pocus" is anticatholic; so are spells & magic. they cast spells & charms & did divination & tarot.
+ they were fascinated with vampires. bit us too. LITERALLY "drank" blood. with our own obsession with blood (for different reasons) we felt very dragged into playing along with their corruption of it, and were very taken advantage of. bitterly hated self for it.
+ their obsession with black & its negative, "creepy" aspects. this infected us fatally too.


OTHER THINGS TIED TO THIS FEAR =

+ Jade howling like a dog/wolf, as a "witch"
+ Jade threatening to murder the twins by stabbing a pumpkin full of knives
+ the internet at large "sexualizing" monsters. insulting & disgusting. NEGATIVELY "romanticized." this whole thing makes us so angry we could spit bullets.
+ zombies having anticatholic; blatant disregard of the sanctity of human body/ rejection of resurrection/ necromancy
+ same thing with frankenstein's monster; take "life power" away from God
+ CURSES, POSSESSION, HAUNTINGS, etc. = DEMONIC
+ HYPERFOCUS ON FEAR AND EVIL "FORCES"
+ Candy focus; personal sugar=sex terror; PEDOPHILIA trauma
+ "trick or treat" disturbance relating to obsessive behavior; "give me something pleasurable or I'll WRECK YOU"
+ SO MUCH EXPLICIT REFERENCE TO THE DEVIL (witches, vampires, jackolanterns, zombies, etc. also literal COSTUMES)
+ ghosts ALSO a subtle "rejection" of Christian afterlife/ soul AND reality of judgment??
+ skeletons treated as "separate from body"? not respected as PART of us, but seen as "remains"; labeled as "creepy"
+ NO RESPECT FOR DEATH
+ bizarre undertone of "DEHUMANIZATION"??? costumes, monsters, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, zombies, etc. = ALL involve LOSS OF HUMAN-NESS!!! even REJECTION.
+ costumes can be DISTURBINGLY SEXUAL and/or offensive, even blasphemous. and again, they target CHILDREN.
+ DISRESPECT/ DESECRATION OF CEMETERIES
+ WITCHES & paraphernalia; BLATANTLY antichristian.
+ HUGE emphasis on paganism AND rejection of Christianity IN GENERAL
+ all day today, people feel like "prey"

I'm being re-tested for COVID so I'm temporarily quarantined in my room. Sitting at this desk in total silence & stillness, unable to open the door or leave, initially triggered the SAME "trapped panic" that my apartment has been also-- panic so keen & intense & immediate that, with no coping skills to utilize, drove me to resort to the eating disorder for "relief," But all I was doing was RUNNING & HIDING, burying the fear until it exploded out again during the next silent still moment. (btw, forcing myself to start praying IS KEY! so PERSEVERE!!! once I get going, the peace is PROFOUND; my heart truly re-centers & life feels HOPEFUL & REAL & LEADING TO THE ETERNAL. without prayer, without TUNING IN to God & actively engaging in that graced & blessed connection, life feels hollow & empty & finite. So ALWAYS PRAY!!! visualize the Life of Christ; practice saying the rosary again!! IT DOES & WILL HELP; that powerful & profound prayer OPENS THE HEART TO MIRACLES.) I realized that, actually, that "desk/ room/ closed off & out/ alone" combo situation was EXACTLY what I was LITERALLY trapped in during SLC/NC!!! Mel's basement, Q's apartment, the VdG houses, TBAS's kitchen & playroom... heck, even that month I lived in "Jayce's house," AND the "Bluesky summer" without my grandparents-- ALL of those situations had me FORCIBLY ISOLATED, with NO PEOPLE EVEN NEARBY, locked into one small room, typically at a desk, alone & in dead silent stillness for up to 12 HOURS A DAY, FOR WEEKS, if not longer... and my ONLY "escapes/ distractions" apart from my laptop were-- you guessed it-- the kitchen & bathroom. Oh yeah-- and THOSE WERE BOTH TRAUMA HUBS. So of COURSE my survival brain is freaking out, poor thing! It's feeling like, once that door opens, disaster will occur? And yet, staying in here is existentially terrifying-- UNLESS I PRAY. But it's also triggering old abandonment terror-- cut off from family, rejected by friends, no neighbors, no community, no human connection at all. But that's NOT THE TRUTH ANYMORE! Even in this room, I HAVE FAMILY & FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS & COMMUNITY and they are ALL outside that door, and it CAN be opened and WILL be opened because THEY LOVE ME & CARE ABOUT ME and "GOD said, 'IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE'"!!! The TRIUNE GOD HIMSELF IS LOVE & COMMUNION!!! So He gave us His Son to share our life, Who gave us His Spirit to LIVE IN US, so we're NEVER alone, AND He gave us EACH OTHER, THE CHURCH, to BE HIS BODY, united & WHOLE & forever interconnected. So, no matter WHAT, every human soul exists in blessed, inherent relationship with both GOD and ALL MANKIND.

pre-breakfast//

Oh God I'm struggling so much. Let me please just pour my hurting heart out to You. no pretention.

I'M SO ANGRY & SCARED I DON'T WANT HER TO SIT NEXT TO BE I NEED TO BE ALONE!!!!!!!! IT HURTS I'M SO SCARED I'M SO SAD I'M HELPLESS TRAPPED MONITORED AGAIN
I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND THROW uP. EVEN THOUgH bReAKFASt was Good AND NIcE we DIDN'T GET TO ENJOY IT (STUPID!!! SELFISH!! WHORE!!! STOP THINKING ABOUT ""ENJOYING"" EATING THAT'S A SLUT WANT) im sorry
but it's true we can't pull ourself together
we're SEVERELY tempted to VIOLENTLY SELF-SABOTAGE/ LASH OUT/ MELTDOWN SOLELY to "SCARE PEOPLE AWAY" SO WE CAN BE SAFE & ALONE!!!!!
We want to CRY I feel so dead & hopeless
I cAnt exisT ARouND OThER PEOPLE ITS EITHER US OR thEM
I WANT TO BE ALONE ALONE ALONE!!!!
PLEASE!!!!
PLEASE
PLEASE JUST LET US EXIST TOO PLEASE.
WHEN OTHER PEOPLE GET THAT CLOSE, THAT INVASIVE, WE LOSE OUR SENSE OF SELF AND REALITY THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES TO KEEP THEM OUT OR PROTECT US OR KEEP US SAFE IT IS (TO US) PSYCHOLOGICAL RAPE AND WE WILL DIE
I don't think I we can survive that again
no more
RUN. JUST RUN AWAY. WE CAN'T SURVIVE OR LIVE AT ALL LIKE THIS
but won't that make us a bad fake christian?
"obedience unto death" remember
yeah but there's no love in this terror-stricken, gritted-teeth "endurance"
and carrying ANY cross without love doesn't save us or anyone else, you HYPOCRITE.

God I dont know what to do
im such a coward.               im sorry






post-breakfast//

quick breakfast notes for the actual meal: we got a SURPRISE OMELET and we COMPLETELY ENJOYED IT this time! No trauma, no anxiety. Our only "obstacle" is expecting it to taste like traditional eggs, which it DOESN'T and actually ISN'T SUPPOSED TO! it's "eggy" more like a custard or something-- blended w/ milk, maybe, but mostly just LIGHT & AIRY. no heavy yolk taste or neutral white taste, NOR the savory note of scrambleds. an omelet is its own thing AND IF you acknowledge & respect that, it CANNOT "DISAPPOINT," and GOD WILLING it will ALSO prevent that ridiculous inexplicable "compulsive dislike" that IGNORES actual complete conscience data input & comprehension!!! When we DO truly feel & process the facts, guess what? We DO LIKE OMELETS. The ONLY remaining fear is from the August binges & feeling "compelled/ addicted." BUT if we SET THAT ASIDE, we honestly DO still enjoy them-- AND for some reason, in that basic state, they are POWERFULLY tied to DAD!! We should ask him about that.
+ Lemon yogurt has a LOT of sugar (15g) BUT it is another beloved reminder of grandma-- AND it was her brother's favorite, too.
+ Oatmeal is always perfect in its simplicity-- BUT it ALSO teaches a powerful spiritual lesson as such! We may be tempted to add sugar to it, BUT RESIST THAT, because its humility reminds us of CHRIST, Who came to us PLAIN, leaving the "sugar" of Divinity in HEAVEN, the TRUE sweetness... ADDING "WORLDLY" SUGAR like pomp & riches & power, is SINFUL. It is ONLY in that plainness that the DEEPER, GENTLE, INHERENT, REAL SWEETNESS CAN BE DISCERNED!! ONLY PURE & SIMPLE HEARTS CAN (TRULY!) SEE GOD, and this is a perfect "as above so below" reflection. God is hidden, yet apparent. We must be plain, too, to "taste" Him.
+ Thanks to John Pollock, RAISINS ARE NOW SAFE!!! AND POSITIVE??? We thought of Jesus & His Disciples eating them during their long travels on the road, teaching & spreading the Good News, and THEIR powerful innate sweetness took on that same meaning-- concentrated joy, life-giving strength, food saturated with light.



post-group//

✳ "Recreation group" EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE. The previous page topic (+ an IMMEDIATELY following Treatment Team meeting in which we BLUNTLY, HONESTLY, & OPENLY discussed & disclosed that tumultuous situation AND its historical roots/ future consequences) had us severely compromised emotionally, and today they JUST SO HAPPENED to decide to do... breathing exercises & "meditations." WITH new age music. WHILE the acoustic guitar singer from YESTERDAY'S meltdown was loudly performing next door. And we just BROKE DOWN.
+ Q told us to "just breathe" and "it'll be okay" WHILE he was (unknowingly) traumatizing us?
+ TBAS trauma breathing, no details EVER
+ Jade & her schizophrenic new age beliefs about breathing = altered consciousness AND that terrifying "lust" breath-thing she would ALWAYS do
+ "Feeling" our own breathing TOO much when in danger & desperately trying to control it
+ Memories of "suffocating" & "cold lungs" with slow breathing, especially at night
+ when grandma was dying, her breathing got so bad
+ that awful new age music playing when i woke up and she wasnt breathing anymore

sobbed silently but inconsolably for 45 solid minutes. maybe more. SOAKED our mask, glasses, & clothes.
we lost too much. jade can die any day and we won't know. mom is getting so old, oh mom, she could be gone so fast. she pushes herself too hard. dad is getting so old and tired. his hair is all gray, we aren't even that close to him yet, its awful. i dont want this distance,
grandpa died in his sleep, we werent even in the same state, we got the phone call, he's gone, we couldnt even attend his funeral,
grandma. God we miss her so much. its unbearable. we MISS that week or two we got covid and had to sleep next to her, in bed all day sharing her pain. and the week after the hospital when we couldnt breathe and slept there too. she had the oxygen machine. sharing hurts.
i was such a bitch. coward from pain on easter. religious hypocrite. went to 5 masses and binge-puked from excruciating pain instead of STAYING WITH HER and sharing that last holiday of hope which I CRUSHED.
she ate her last meal that night and i wasnt there
i even threw up in hospice from pain & fear
while they had her so full of pain meds she couldnt wake up
did it even matter that i was there?
i was such a stone cold bitch
i was two dAYS LATE
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE AMBULANCE WITH HER
I WANTED TO BE
I
i was a coward
i lay alone in the ER and sobbed
i knew i was an irredeemable fool
a hypocrite
a
i
i abandoned her
i showed up two days late
i got too damn complacent
distracted reading on my fcking PHONE instead of just
looking at her
being with her
i fell asleep like a coward
too complacent
forgot to kiss her goodnight
when i woke up
she wasnt breathing
that damn new age music
im so sorry grandma
i love you
im so so sorry






post-lunch//

lunch was spaghetti & meatballs, broccoli/ cauliflower, parmesan, OJ & grape juice vanilla frozen yogurt. it was fitting, considering this morning-- grandpa's favorite meal, and what they served at grandma's funeral. VFW food. church community food. "comfort" yet "mourning" food. no trauma, just grief, and an odd consolation, "memento mori." they will eat this at my funeral, too.

+ too much salt & pepper on vegs. forgot how overpowering they are. upset. Jesus said forgive, its okay, we neeed the reminder. by it we're learning to love plain things more. it fits us. i like quieter things. no more loud yelling sharp spices or sauces. the spaghetti Actually HELPS because its SO neutral & mild, the sauce is grounded. the parmesan does similar, but horizontally-- fats "widen" tastes, spreading them out so they aren't sharp & piercing. it was nice. meatballs too. carbs "earth" things, protein ANCHORS. safe solid base. GOOD weight!! and water brightens & lightens things. like iscah said long ago, God paints a symphony with it, too.
+ BOTH OJ & grape juice make us remember drinking out of those PLASTIC CYLINDER CUPS, like the blue/ pink ones with the bubble pattern!! I FORGOT about them until now!! AND sitting at that little plastic picnic table in the kitchen, doing elementary homework. But OJ ALSO tastes like SUMMER-- specifically as a child-- while grape is SOLIDLY attached to early school/ family vibes. It's... deeply comforting, despite that ambient childhood anxiety, TO be remembering MY (!!) childhood, GENUINELY and REALLY, with this recovery process. I feel more whole, bit by bit.
+ The vanilla frozen yogurt is LESS "sharp sweet" than the ice cream? Leans blue, not yellow. Brief experience, but enjoyable. I look forward to the next.



post-dinner//

Intrusive, compulsive, HORRIBLY JUDGMENTAL/ SCOFFING/ ANGRY thoughts that I DO NOT WANT OR APPROVE tormented me the whole meal, in response to every trivia question & patient comment. Dude, that one girl ONLY boasts about her accolades and achievements-- AND her trials and traumas-- because she feels worthless despite it all and is DESPERATELY seeking validation, affirmation, recognition, admiration, compassion, etc. It's a constant cry of "Look at me! Look what I can do! Look at how I've suffered! SEE me!!" She must be aching inside, to be so fervently hyperdisclosing; I know because I DO THAT TOO, WHEN I FEEL WORTHLESS & ABANDONED. And I HATE myself for it-- so that horrible "inner voice" is ECHOING that appalling lack of mercy. It's horrifying to realize. THAT'S why Jesus said, "Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF!!!" BOTH ARE MUTUALLY BOUND, AND YOU CAN'T DO EITHER WITHOUT LOVING GOD, FIRST!!
+ ↑ All that made us dissociate & not really fully experience the chicken. We DID pray & had some graciously lucid moments, but our memory was shot & inaccessible. We got SO upset AND angry; we shamefully & falsely "blamed" the talk "for distracting us," when really it was OUR OWN MIND yammering so cruelly. We're sincerely sorry. We focused on being gentle & forgiving EVERYONE, ourself too, then putting ALL of it in Jesus's trustworthy Hands. "Jesus, YOU know what's best for my soul. If You want me to remember the meal, please do. And help me let go of ALL bitterness & regret, & trust that You Can bring good even out of our mess at this meal." And HE DID. We had FULL memory data access! He is SO kind to us. Now, we just need to practice gentleness & mercy in that same memory experience, to ATONE/ do PENANCE in retrospect. Jesus will help us, by His grace. Just ask Him, and TRUST. ♥

 

post-breakfast//

+ hard morning; lingering filthy feeling & depression/ despair? after last night. STILL sick. exhausted in every sense.
+ hot shower. thank You God. talking about loss of consolation (worldly) in little things; no more mouthwash = no mint "cleanness" = feel even filthier. Knowing God only removed it so I can seek UNWAVERING consolation IN HIM regardless of any circumstance: a greater & better end goal. but the process, if resisted (even unconsciously, through fear & weakness & sorrow), is disturbing: you grasp at an old, "effective" coping mechanism but it's gone. So now, DESPITE the lingering terror & distress, your ONLY viable option is to surrender & turn ENTIRELY to God. and I'll be honest with Him, I can be a petulant child about it and I am grieved over that reality. my mouth tastes like a breakfast muffin because Jesus said to eat IT last, not the eggs, and I don't understand WHY, especially since the muffin/ bread aftertaste is "DIRTY" and low-key a trauma trigger (apple cinnamon). so it's fueling the misery, adding weight to this cross. oh God, please, help me carry it, with You; alone I will be crushed quickly and die. help me.
+ no "formal" morning prayer; couldn't focus on recitation due to distress & grief. INSTEAD, strongly moved to read Saint Bridget; dual account (herself & Mary) of the Passion of Jesus Christ. Wept my eyes out. It BROKE MY ENTIRE HEART. Oh my sweet Jesus, what horrors You willingly & meekly suffered for my sins!! Oh my dearest Mother, what inconsolable anguish you bore so faithfully with Him!! I can feel it resonating painfully deep in my heart even now, an immeasurable grief endured and even embraced only through charity. Strangely, blessedly, it also gives me comfort, against all sense-- knowing Christ bears my minuscule crosses with me, and all of mine are but splinters of His. Communion.
★ A prayer card about that fell out of the book when I picked it up, like a calling card. "Splinters of the Cross." I cried. THERE, at last, is my consolation. Each little offering of every little pain is a blessed grace, a PARTICIPATION in that Work of Salvation, UNITED TO ITS PURPOSE AND POWER IN REALTIME. The Cross-- the crowning Work of Christ-- is eternally Real. Your negative thoughts AREN'T. There IS hope & healing, even IN AND THROUGH THE SUFFERING OF SIN.


post-breakfast meal data//

Fresh fruit cup (melons & pineapple), scrambled eggs, apple cinnamon muffin, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 creamer, 2 s&p, ketchup

FRUIT)
Real cut fruit! That's not scary. We LIKE honeydew actually ("moon melons"), and cantaloupe is neutral because of dear grandma. ♥ There is an underneath "fear" possibly from spoilage memories, but no "fear." Just not our central vibe. HOWEVER, the pineapple is STILL so strongly evocative of that ONE morning in SLC when we binged on pineapple with Q and I don't even know why; but we were SO SCARED & DISSOCIATED. In any case, SLC IS STILL SCARY and SO IS Q. Apparently those wounds AREN'T healed as we assumed.

EGGS)
With ketchup, salt & pepper, they DO remind us of grandpa, BUT ONLY SECONDHAND-- the primary association is "old local veterans" in general; the INSTANT memories are the LOCAL FIREHOUSE BREAKFAST and a smidge of the Thornhurst one, vague but known. The feeling is VERY COZY & SAFE; it's a solid "childhood security" vibe which is RARE. We feel QUITE young, like 7 or so. ALSO. EGGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER PLAIN. Keep them that way! The salt is getting nauseating; ONLY use one packet whenever possible. Same with pepper. Lastly, the TEXTURE is LOVELY. It's like custard! How do they do it! But it has NO data ties either way which is such a relief for our poor anxious brain; we can enjoy it purely & simply. Honestly, thank You God. The little things really are the nicest.

MUFFIN)
Neutral texture, triggering concept, SCARY flavor. Apparently, to our brain, that warm-brown "apple cinnamon" FUSION taste-- inherently so; it's NOT "apple + cinnamon", but its OWN unique thing-- elicits DREAD & shaking anxiety. (The Nutrigrain does it too! We've been wondering!) We cannot find the roots yet, nor can we identify the "apple" flavor (it doesn't match anything apparent in our apple-presentation data roll), BUT we wondered why the flavor = dread, and suddenly realized: APPLE-CINNAMON IS A SEASONAL FLAVOR, TIED TO TIME. When it historically would occur, it would do so ALONG WITH OTHER SEASONAL THINGS THAT WERE TERRIFYING, so over tie, the "appearance" of apple-cinnamon flavor became a WARNING SIREN, TO PREPARE FOR IMPENDING DANGERS THAT ONLY OCCURRED DURING THE SAME SEASONAL TIME PERIOD!!! This concept is ALSO why peppermint is SO safe: when IT appears, apple-cinnamon DISAPPEARS, and therefore the time of threat is OVER. They are like checkpoints or fences? Chronological markers. But apple-cinnamon therefore WARNS of UNAVOIDABLE, ATTACHED DANGER: of county fairs, hay rides, harvest festivals, corn mazes, haunted houses, jumpscares, scary movies, and Halloween. TONS of frightening things to us as a child occurred in the fall; plus THANKSGIVING & pilgrims & that loathsome orange/ yellow/ brown/ vermillion (NOT RED!!) color scheme everywhere that hurts our brain and has scared us SINCE CHILDHOOD, always inexplicably. We WANT to heal it but it's SO ANCIENT, with hidden roots. Nevertheless, we'll keep working on it as autumn (which starts today!! ♥) settles in around us in realtime, and our psyche reacts to the process & presentation. A NOTE: we actually love the "darker" autumn aesthetic that incorporates EVERGREEN & MISTY GRAY & BURGUNDY along with the neutral browns, glowing golds, & rich vermilions. It feels more like the woods, & season kissing season with the blessed promise of winter in the colder crisper silver air. But just straight-up orange/ yellow/ brown feels like hell & floods us with genuine DREAD.
★ Something we realized, with these "time-locked" triggers: SUMMER APPLES ARE SAFE. AUTUMN ONES ARE NOT??? The latter are too closely tied to FARMS and some unidentified terror from picking/ eating apples in the backyard? But yes; this ALSO relates to APPLE PREP/ FLAVORS-- summer apples are fresh, bright, clear, juicy, etc.-- autumn apples are warmed/ cooked and more mellow? And summer apples typically have NO spice. Summer leans GREEN, autumn leans BROWN.



post-lunch//

Ziti with sauce & parmesan, breaded chicken w/ provolone? apple & grape juice, 2 tea 2 creamer, 1 salt 2 pepper

ZITI)
it had the SOFTEST texture AND EVEN TASTED SAFE!!
VFW dinners. Surprisingly, TOTALLY SAFE! Ziti shape is oddly "harmless" & comforting? Possibly from church/ school associations from of old. That actually gives us GREAT HOPE: like the hose-company eggs, this foods reminds us of home & neighbors, that sense of small town community & fondness that our heart honestly craves and wants SO BADLY to be PART of again. Well, tasting AND eating that blessedly "common food" NOW feels like a glowing promise that we CAN be part of that communion now, when we go home to our hometown. ♥

JUICE)
Grape is foamy & surprisingly tart! It's in a weird place, both scary AND positive-- its "good" memories are vague & conceptual (Christmas "wine" as a kid, mainly), but legit? Yet it WAS a binge/ abuse food, too. Still, GRAPES = JESUS so there's GUARANTEED healing whenever we remember that!
Apple didn't register; we CAN'T LOOK AT IT or that INCREASES trauma terror, MORESO THAN THE TASTE!!! There is a LOT of memory-fear there. Pray to Jesus for help with that. Trust Him & remember, TRAUMA & ABUSE ARE ULTIMATELY INCAPABLE OF REAL CORRUPTION. The God-created core is pure.

SAUCE)
The "dried tomato" flavor is DIFFERENT enough from memory to muffle/ allay most trauma responses, BUT it's still a little anxiety-inducing; not as much as it used to be, though? I hope! Pray for that, please. Mom & Lou (and grandpa) really enjoy their tomatoes and honestly it breaks my heart that I've been to terrified to JOIN them in that yet. THAT'S what I hate the MOST about this eating disorder-- it puts WALLS up between me and ALL other people... AND between me & total devotion to GOD, which INCLUDES love of neighbor! So eat the tomatoes and GIVE THANKS for communion!!

CHICKEN)
The best one so far, shockingly, ESPECIALLY since SAUCE IS SAFE WITH CHICKEN PARM, NOT PASTA?? That's fascinating. No particular memory but associated solid longterm & fondly with our dear mom. The breading was so nice. We had a few odd bites BUT avoided actually eating it separately or mincing the chicken. Unfortunately we did mostly eat the sauce off, and "stacked" the cheese bits. Don't do stuff like that, it's silly! And of course, it's apparently disordered. Please, learn to lovingly eat things as a PROPER UNITED WHOLE, just as God presents them to you!!

CHEESE)
Parmesan is, thankfully, still safe to taste, due solely to heavy childhood meal resonance. USING it is scary as we fear a return migraine, but none have happened yet-- it might only occur with actual hard cheese. The slice on the chicken seemed to be provolone, which unfortunately IS still trauma-touched, from TBAS. That trauma is HARD to heal as the roots are so strong, and the fear equally so. TBAS trauma foods feel like eating poison. But, we put that thought bravely aside & reminded ourself, THEIR actions DO NOT define reality! They AREN'T the authority over our life! Lastly... grandpa liked chicken parm. HE liked provolone cheese, so we held to love of him instead and that got us TRULY through, safely. ♥



post-dinner//

grilled cheese! / rosemary potatoes /  whole milk / 2 ketchup / 2 salt / 3 pepper / 2 creamers 2 teas

MILK)
( (we don't know who the heck keeps writing these but they are explicitly disturbing. hidden for safety.) )

POTATOES)
Home fries style! Those AREN'T SCARY; both their texture & taste are positively comforting, and with the ketchup we get SOLID MEMORY of the THORNHURST HOSE COMPANY! So the POTATOES have that one, moreso than the eggs! That's cool. But yes, we enjoyed them thoroughly. HOWEVER. Potatoes = OUR LADY OF LA SALETTE, who earnestly implored us to honor the Sabbath, although "taking a day of rest for God" seemed like "a small thing," not matching its momentous true significance. BUT it's the sign of the Covenant, a MANDATE from GOD HIMSELF if "nothing else"; a total conscious visible active sign & sacrament that SEPARATES us from the industry-idolatry of the world and making work a "god," turning us regularly & ever more strongly to the ONE TRUE GOD by prayer & worship & peace. He mandated it FOR US, for our spiritual health, bodily refreshment, and TOTAL JOY! So no, it is NOT small; it is VERY BIG! And it "costs" nothing but CHARITY. So honor it ever more sincerely & totally! Leave the world behind and focus on HEAVEN, our origin and goal and TRUE HOMELAND. If I don't... well. Hence the reminder of the potatoes. I MUST, for God.
★ LASTLY. When God gives you food direction, OBEY HIM, even if it seems "inconsequential" or odd-- that's the purpose of FAITH!! We didn't leave enough ketchup for the grilled cheese (we kept dipping potatoes in it) & took the garbage to shamefully get more. We're truly sorry. Disobedience only hurts!
★ DON'T TAKE ANY ITEMS OUT OF THE GARBAGE PILE TO "GET MORE OUT," like ketchup & creamer. That is SUPER gross and makes us feel like an animal. Respect yourself! Be dignified!

GRILLED CHEESE)
WONDERFUL AS ALWAYS. We can't deny, we do enjoy them so much, even with the odd orange cheese. No complaints! It was truly lovely. It would have been lovelier with ketchup, judging from the one bite we got, but we messed up today ↑ so we lost out. Yet it STILL worked out, by God's grace-- we were humbled & taught a very important correction of behavior, we were given a preview of what we can have next time when we DO obey, and we were given the key initial opportunity to just purely & simply enjoy & experience the sandwich as-is. Grilled cheese will always remind us of grandma. We cut ours into triangles, too, just for her. ♥ ...I've actually been dreaming about her every night since I'm here, and caring for her, loving her, remembering her. I know she's watching over me & praying for me & loving me, too. ♥ I'll continue to do my very best, for her, and for her daughter, my dear mother. All together, with God guiding us in His love, we'll get through this!!



★ A VITAL REALIZATION: WE STILL GET CLOCK-BASED TRAUMA!!!
When the sun goes down around 7PM-8PM, but people are awake & watching TV & talking & "preparing to DO things" instead of sleeping, WE FEEL TOTAL DREAD. THAT WAS THE DANGER-TIME CONTEXT IN CNC, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!! So YES we are going to get anxiety attacks & feelings of impending doom & despair & terror at night! It's a learned response to a VERY emphasized & consistent trigger! YES we are shaking & nauseous & scared & want to cry like a lost child BECAUSE NOW WE CAN EXPRESS THAT FEAR WE BURIED AND DENIED AS THE FORMATIVE TRAUMA EVENTS WERE OCCURRING. Honestly though, the fact that we CAN and ARE sharing a FEAR response is a DOOR TO HEALING, because it is NOT IN DENIAL!! It clearly indicates that there IS trauma, and we DIDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. It reveals that there IS a wound, and points to it. So be aware of the chronic, unavoidable trigger, and prudently prepare to face it, with the grace & peace of Christ!!
★ A GREAT way to override that negative association is to instead consciously focus on a super positive one that ALSO has deep, repeated roots-- staying up late & "waiting" awake on HOLY SATURDAY & CHRISTMAS EVE! ♥ So anchor your heart in THOSE, and let God soothe your anxieties.



post-snack//

Cheddar Sun Chips / Bengal spice tea with 2 creamer

Remaining troubles to fix:
★ Ripping open the bag!!
+ Oversqueezing the tea bag
+ Licking our fingers
+ Shoving whole chip in mouth?
+ Obsessive crumb eating
+ ↑ using a SPOON to do so
+ "must ONLY eat crumbs first"

★ Cheese itself feels dirty; negative "spoiled milk" vibe?? Milk = dirty misbelief in any case; healing that straight, but cheese hasn't been affected OR directly tackled (yet!).
We feel like a RAT eating it-- not a little mouse, but a fat sewer rat!!
It's VERY difficult to "stay human" in our mental image as we eat it, because of that intense dirty feeling. The ONLY nousfoni who gets PULLED out is that long-haired messy teen, unwashed & manic, who eats with her fingers & GOBBLES things. SHE'S A BINGER!!! Which PROVES the "I'm out of control = I'm not worthy of humanity = I'm a filthy animal" thought train there, sadly. That poor girl with unwashed hair & pockmarked face (and SCHOOL CLOTHES??) is a vital snapshot of some VERY old & unfortunately powerful toxic core beliefs.

Perhaps try the cheddar chips once more? Not tomorrow; give it a mental break to refresh & try again clearly. But SOON. In the meantime, focus on:
(1) healing CHEESE
(2) investigating the "DIRTY" terror?
(3) DON'T RIP BAGS!!!
(4) FIND someone who CAN eat cheese?

★ THE "FILTHY" FEELING IS ONLY TIED TO ORANGE CHEESE???
White/yellow cheese can be humiliating, & their aftertaste triggers the "baby spit-up" fear, BUT THEY DON'T FEEL "DIRTY!" That's fascinating.
★ do OTHER orange foods do this? does COLOR affect our reactions TO "dirt" labelling of foods?? as opposed to just "WE'RE dirty for dropping/ spilling" in general?

1230. saturday.

today lasted like... five years, what the heck
i apologize for this mess of an entry as a result but it really was ALL ONE DAY

morning run. YES THAT WAS TODAY.
830AM NOTES on that =

Sunrise, pink and cold and beautiful.
Genesis running alongside us at first, making sure we were ok.
Talking to Laurie, lucky penny comment. Then FOUND one
Food lion. Her whistling for attention at reduced rack, check our focus.
Got called SIR on the way out!
Had a dollar left, went to gas station
Penny in lot
Decided we wanted a TAMALE
Sweet old dude paid for it for us!
So we got Wreckage a DONUT
Walking home: "Ahrima?" Laurie, Wreckage, Jeremiah, Maverick
Minty seeing the rocker bunny on the track, torn
Church & breakfast plans. Mav & Wrex talking colors. Echo Lalia there too, no voice of her own readily?
So so happy.
NEED to do this regularly.


-------------------------------------

THIS EVENING =

eating trouble.
we made two omelettes for dinner, and then a night meal, BUT. we realized the trouble here.
1. still seeing food as art. didn't WANT to make two. but DID want to MAKE SOMETHING.
2. so many different people fronting.

we think "taureia" is the name of that DAEMON???
tied to the girl who ONLY comes out to binge in order to purge; triggered by fear. she's a failsafe???

versus rupture.


Blue girl = COMPULSION W/ fam expectations??
Food, grandkids, etc. PANICKED obedience, forced, utter denial of any self-honesty


noticed today, the girl angry at murphy is NOT the angry brown jess OR triple
she's MENTIONED IN 2015 i think.

"i'm not a good nousfoni"


-------------------------------------------

AMOR ET SACRIFICIUM = ribbons!!!!!!
SELF LUMINOUS

Formshift cores, like jewels. EXPLORE.
Apprenticeship, heartspace, leaguespace, outspace
OUR "NEODYMIUM"

"SXUALITY" COLORS. from old entries. different vibes & applications, never explained.
black, red, pink, Cerise. ORANGE?
FEEL OUT AND DESCRIBE

HEART TOUCHES ARE SAFE AND HOLY AGAIN!!!
(YOU NOT DISCONNECTED)


-------------------------------------------------

the heaviest thing today = talking about sxuallity with the arrows, on messenger.
our moral stance + daemons + trauma, and their innocent human painless experience.
both of us discussing childhood with this.

trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics, including abuse/trauma



what we remember offhand:


Childhood= baths with brother, anatomy difference. Naturally fascinated by difference, parents would NOT talk about this. Passively treated us like a threat to them.
We were weirdly obsessed for a while? Bizarrely, NO conception of our own bodies femaleness? Not sure why.
Obsessed with this???

Childlike gender thoughts: girls wore pink ribbons or had eyelashes, boys didn't.

When did the Julie trauma start?
It has SUPER EARLY ROOTS.

First direct instance: in that godforsaken bathroom, age 12, 13? Feel SO young, but not a child. Remembering, with great fear, hearing Someone talking about how "sex is the best feeling" or something? Praising it as this sublime thing. Terrified, tentatively touched our body there. Immediate sensation shocked and shook us. Nearly cried from this "betrayal," quickly reclothed, thinking "how could Anyone want That," tore door open and immediately memory blacks out. I assume we hid in our room and shook and cried, felt existentially wrecked. No idea Who holds that, but I know they exist.

No clear memory of When Julie started, but l Clear memory of Fearing her. Leaving 6th grade classroom, mentally JEWEL, dreamspace situation to cope with/ feel & reason out fearful situation possibilities. Imagining being in some public place like a restaurant or bar, but in a side hall where we couldn't be seen, felt isolated and trapped? Cerise intimate vibe but Corrupt. Guys AND girls (ratio??) trying to "get with us." NOTABLE ABUSIVE MANNERISMS. We had NO conception of healthy flirting OR relationships? Literally EVERYONE in those imaginings saw us as an object. "You're pretty, I want to have sex with you, then never see each other again." But that sex was Also Going to be traumatic. THEREFORE, JULIE WOULD SWITCH OUT. Literally. Our BIGGEST FEAR at that age was someone Actually hitting on us, our panicked terror making us Shut Down, and Julie being triggered out to "fight fire with fire." (That feels weirdly tied to our family teachings? Think on this.) So she'd play along, lasciviously flirting right back, and then when they inevitably ended up in bed, she'd Destroy them. Instead of them using us, she'd use Them, and then some. Our brain Never wanted to, or could, imagine what would happen To that victim afterwards. That, too, speaks volumes as to Julie's mindset-- AND OURS-- back then: there Was no after. If We had just experienced that, we'd be dead. So we/Julie both, for different reasons, failed to comprehend the very idea of After. But she took it in that there were no lasting consequences to what she did... because of dissociation. That's how WE worked. So we projected. But even then, we Knew that it was wrong, and it WOULD continue in the physical, albeit almost incredulously. (We struggled to imagine Time after rape.) And the thought of that made us avoid any and all sexual threats.

 

(left unfinished. this is too disturbing to talk about anymore)

 

Interesting thoughts while watching kill la kill.



(started august 18th; continued through august 21st)



There's still sheer terror tied to sexuality, as well as "obligatory submission,"
except.
except when jay is in charge.

I once heard a saying like, "to overcome fear, embrace it." It's something with healing PTSD I think; how you have to be able to DEAL with what scares you, head-on, right there, without giving it power.
Long story short, the only way we're going to get past a fear of sexuality is by not letting fear eat us alive, and just giving in to what WE actually feel.

Which is, Jay's infinite platonic affectionate love for EVERYTHING.


This show's going to have a massive impact on us, I just know it.



(stream of consciousness gets data better; write this that way)


- scene w/ teacher fanservice was first scary one. not jay watching though!! "2007 girl" with no solid name. very scared. jay took over, "all right, what if I was ryuko?"

really,
jay just wants to kiss everyone,
he does not care, it's all fine with him, as long as it's platonic. and he'll defend that, while pushing limits, because he's not scared, he DOESN'T FEEL SCARY STUFF.
so by not getting shackled by fear, he stays free.

⋆ WILLPOWER is huge in anime.
"if you lose mentally, it's all over"


episode freaking three

"the fact that you are embarrassed by the values of the masses only shows how small you are! if it means fulfilling (my) ambitions, (i) will show neither shame nor hesitation… even if (I bare myself) for all the world to see! my actions are utterly pure!"
^ surprisingly relevant line. can be used for good or bad ends!

the "get naked" thing in the aspect of naked=open is HUGE for us

"you need to become my skin" that whole concept is so interesting

"the more my heart was closed, the more you yearned for a blood connection!"
"you are wearing me, and I have been put on by you"

the ending theme lyrics changed to we

THE FREAKING MARRIAGE PARALLELS
AND THE GORGEOUS FANSERVICE+BODY HORROR TRANSFORMATIONS
I LOVE THAT


episode four starts with so much more connection/care showing between them? so fast?
or did the ep3 connection imply a deeper bond initiated?
type about that more

also I LOVE MAKO. she's fearless in her honesty and simplicity, it's fantastic.
I want a buddy like her irl to be honest. someone sweet & enthusiastic & grateful but also with a skeleton of steel, so to speak.
just the way she talks to people is AMAZING.

also. it's always been a goal of ours to GET THAT WILLPOWER anime talks about.
like, ryuko's personality, that determined "I can do this/ I'll kick your ass because I have something worthwhile to fight for" bit. we USED to be like that waaaay back in childhood and it got buried?
we need it back, ACTIVELY. softness is vital but it needs to be balanced by what laurie tends to hold almost exclusively lately.
more than anyone else, JAY NEEDS IT.



this show is so over-the-top, I love it.


I've noticed that school star life-fiber wearers are proud and rely on their own power?
like in k6bd, the "poor swordsmen" who only care about winning?
whereas ryuko is relying on her strength with senketsu. it's that tandem thing. partnership.


ohh and that's gonna be the issue of ep 5 isnt it.

"victory isnt determined solely by who has the superior physical abilities."

see that's the thing about protagonists like ryuko right now. too much fire. too much arrogance in it. she's not being as humble and open as she needs to be, she's not being truly vulnerable, which will allow her to use that fiery power BETTER, in a true way. without being burned by it.


oh my heart
when mako shows up (bless her) and frees senketsu,
and ryuko catches him, and her eyes, and she just holds him--

"let go of it"
"you'll have to pry him out of my cold dead hands"

this show is killing me at last thank you oliver

oh and thank god trigger dude is the best dude. I love when characters like him-- like bismuth, really-- who are doing harsh things because of deep pain, are suddenly shown a truth that they were unaware of and it resonates with something deeper than the pain and they shift. they stop hunting, they start protecting.
I love that. I love that, it's so important to me. I'm so glad he had that realization.
"they care for each other"
and suddenly he cares for them too.

"you and i need to become even stronger. no, we can become even stronger. if we're together."


I NEED SLEEP SEE YOU TOMORROW





"this is the resolve of a man who has realized the error of his ways and sacrificed everything!"
that is what WE need to do.

resolve is key here. resolve and willpower. what jewel monsters hold those?


"the eyes of the mind"
VEZERAI parallel


"prosperity will lead to greed, and greed will lead to their eventual downfall! once they have a taste of wordly pleasures, they're enslaved by them forever!"

that is horrifically relevant to our current situation.

greed is the current vice we're fighting. I'm dead serious.
the eating disorder isn't an issue. it's the fear of lack, the fear of "going back to the slums," growing awful rotten teeth and grabbing everything it can hold, wanting solely for the sake of want, terrified of ever having an empty stomach or empty hands because that feels too much like the void it clawed its way out of.

well you know what?
I miss the void.

…

"it was just a nasty glint."

and then there's the turnaround we need.

"people aren't as weak as you say they are! people can suppress their desires through sheer willpower!"

god's given us that exact chance, RIGHT NOW.

good. let's DO THIS.



"…we learned that obsessing over short-term wants isn't any good."
"yes indeed, there is luck in the last helping."


"that is what discipline is about!"
"even if no one disciplines me, I discipline myself!"
"by shackling myself and whipping myself mercilessly, I tried to set an example… 'see my behavior and correct your own!' they would mend their ways of their own accord. to impose order on (their) independence… and to those who still refused to learn, I held back my tears and gave them a taste of the cleansing whip! …if you refuse the whip of love, then you leave me no choice!"
"your independence is revoked! I'm going to mold you into a proper student!"

well doesn't that hit far too uncomfortably close to home.

"become obsessed with resolve, and even that will turn to arrogance."

we need to think/talk about all this stuff asap, seriously.

"when it comes to haphazard attacks, the most important thing to do is dodge them."
"evasion impossible?"
"make a crazy attack even crazier, and it'll hit."

metaphorically this applies to our current situation, so

"what I want is data. not victory."

AND THAT'S THE DAMNED SCIENTIST.

we were just thinking about the splinters yesterday, how scary that was. remember how "the scientist" started out as one of them? the most dangerous one.
his original role may (thank god) be dead, but in this new war against new vices… I think he's still around, or at least, his anchor is.

think about it. these "food addictions" aren't even wants. they're COMPULSORY, because someone keeps wanting to know WHAT THEY DO when we eat them.
the current killer is coconut. we know it's not safe, because
1. oil content causes the dreaded "deep nausea" that makes us want to die
2. it is never kept down; it is too bulky and oily, it WILL be immediately purged
3. it causes phlegm coughs, awful stomach aches, bowel distress, etc. IBS stuff
4. it is bloody expensive
5. it is literally a "waste food;" it is bought TO be purged basically. we are too afraid to swallow it so it doesn't even count as food to us.
BUT someone keeps buying it BECAUSE…
1. it has "the best texture"
which is FALSE. we choke on it. yeah it's interesting sensory-wise, but that's bullshit. we're not spending our hard-earned money on fucking mouthfeel experience.we should be buying FOOD. not luxury wasteful crap.
2. "someone said coconut is good for you and we SHOULD eat it"
ignoring the "bad" symptoms which "shouldn't happen" and forcing it.
but I'm tying this all to the scientist because,
3. data keeps getting wiped after we eat it, and the addiction continues because "I want to try again and see if anything different happens this time."
it's all intellectual, detached bullshit, and it is KILLING us when tied to the "forcing" issue.

you know, we did really beautifully well today until someone ate that coconut. that's the forcing. that's the damned scientist not accepting any data other than what matches what HE wants to be true. some shitty scientist he is.

but enough of that. back to klk.



"surely it's more important to know the rules than it is to know shame"
^ SEE THE PREVIOUS TOPIC.

"a skyscraper built within your heart will never fall down."
literal headspace.
god, that's just too relevant, and so hopeful


it's too late, were going to end up killing ourself if we don't stop pushing too hard, goodnight.



the bit about tuning forks and pure tones and heartbeat is just
terrifically resonant

thanks for that.

(do revisit that entire concept/topic again btw because it really is just that resonant)


"I cannot analyze something without data"
yeah but do we really need to freaking analyze EVERYTHING

isn't there more to understanding? truly so, with us?



HOOOOOOLY SHIT

I AM SO GLAD WE STAYED UP TO WATCH THIS EPISODE THE PLOT JUST EXPLODED


okay we'll continue this tomorrow (later today) fo'reals BYE




"in other words, the deeper the hatred, the deeper the love grows."
nui is so unsettling. what is her deal.
her utter disregard for the fourth wall is just as disturbing, really.

THAT BODY-HORROR FUSION IS AMAZING (and disturbing, but talk about design)

I don't know what's going on with the starry black water but it's gorgeous

"you will become even stronger. it is merely a rite of passage."


"what is clothing?!"
"clothing is sin! man's original sin!"
"indeed… when man ate the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge, he became ashamed of his nakedness and covered his nethers with fig leaves. from the tie humanity first gained free will as human beings, it has been his fate to cover his body in the clothing called sin… we alone know man's sin and create clothing for clothing's sake!"

"clothing is the world! the grand will that wraps the heavens, the earth, and mankind, covering all."

what is with ragyo's hair it's gorgeous.


I have to admit, I like Kaneo Takarada's design & voice. I'm not sure what it is about that character style that I find so interesting but I do. I think it's that rolling casual edge? (older jewel talking)

"this is a non-euclidean space creation ritual… use this as a basis for a paradox painting!"

⋆ "an escher topology attack… the divine four formation employs geomagnetism to envelop this location in special electromagnetic waves, thereby causing disruptions in the nerve signals of the human brain. the picture they just drew altered this area's phase space and disrupted its geomagnetism! in short, they have negated their barrier!"

using art in a reality-altering sense like that is SO COOL.
and it's very resonant with us. keep that concept in mind for both magicwarp and dreamworld as well, as it's just as relevant to them as it is to us.

"pomp and circumstance 'em" followed by the sudden barrage of heart-shaped shockwaves was so great.
reminds me of my old fei-yen. gosh I love her, I miss her!

⋆NAME THE "LJ TYPER" WHO WRITES LIKE THIS.

"I'm getting stronger?" "it's because you're blinded by greed! you're so desperate cause you're fixated on your desire to get Senketsu back to normal."
"I'm not the usual ryuko matoi right now. I'm a ryuko matoi who's blinded by greed because what she wants is almost in reach."

this is one heck of a double-edged sword.
I wonder if "greed" is the wrong word. or maybe, this is a doorway to transmute greed into something virtuous? like here, ryuko is using it as a sort of fiery determination, as a good want, that she's "greedy" for to the point of absolute fixated dedication?
type about that more.


"what I struck was their hearts."
"it is not money that rules men. it is fear."
^ like we just said, the "greed" issue isn't about wanting in and of itself, it's fear of lack.
that can only be overcome by TRUST in God's providence, which is a constant, so open your heart okay?


"right next to you is the safest place"


"have you forgotten the rage in your heart that wants revenge for your father!?"
"I haven't forgotten! but I'm done wallowing in it."
"I'll live for the desire of what's almost in reach, without getting lost in the rage."

the statement of ambitions not justifying their means is very important.
satsuki's "lofty ambitions" annihilated a whole city, and ryuko says she will not tolerate that misuse of power. ryuko fights to protect her friends, and in doing so she does not commit violent "necessary sacrifices" as satsuki does.

"prove it to me with deeds, not words!"

"you would be failing to avenge your father."
"I can't sacrifice the lives of others to do it."


PLOT TWIST



I love how it's a plot point now how none of the "good guys" are wearing clothes.
it makes me think of that one finale episode of sailor moon, how nudity is presented as something good and natural instead of something shameful, which honestly I am sick of.
we don't talk about it much but nakedness is viewed as pure in headspace which is why we were SO ANGRY when the hackers were trying to corrupt it. well they failed, inevitably.
but it's still an awful thing in media. nakedness is typically used as a "bad" thing. even just bare skin is viewed as bad. we're tired of it. so this is deeply refreshing and relieving, it makes me smile (and laugh at the execution; this show is still so over-the-top but i get the gist).


…I didn’t mention this, but what terrifies and sickens me the most about ragyo is the way she just passively molests her own daughter.
and in the context of the show, I realized something.
if this series was genderbent, that behavior would probably be met with immediate outrage and screams of "gay rape" and junk like that. but, here, with two women, I was shocked to find that my mind saw this as normal.
there were no cries of "lesbian rape" or anything like that.
my brain honestly thought, "that's just what women do."
and then I realized,
when you are raised as a female (at least, in our experience), clothing serves to objectify you, even to your own parents.
how many OTHER little girls were "passively molested" by their own mothers?? felt up while wearing pretty clothes, commented on concerning their "sexiness" and "shapeliness" before they even hit puberty????
how many other little girls were shoved into pageants and weddings and plays and all the while, makeup and fucking clothing were used to turn you into nothing but a mirror of lust, a consumeable doll???
too many, I bet. it's revolting.
so ragyo feels like a personification of that, to me.
it's nauseating.

and all the heroes are naked, and it's not being sexualized, and I'M REALLY GLAD ABOUT THAT.
it's the ironic flipside of what's "usual" and it's frankly what my life has already been like.



ryuko's existential crisis is breaking my heart.
seeing her react with such utter rage, with cutting EVERYONE out of her life and just surrendering to despair and hatred, is almost unbearable.

what the hell did she DO TO RYUKO


”it'd be child's play to reawaken her by making her experience intense existential terror."

"even if smashed to a million pieces, if a single fragment remains, the whole can be reconstituted!"

both those things are 100% headspace/DID relevant. too much.


I want to say I hate nui and ragyo but the truth is I'm terrified.
I am literally scared sick of them. scared to death. when I see them my stomach hits the floor.
they remind me so much of the abuse we forcibly forgot.
I don’t ever want to endure that hell again, but they are it, they look so much LIKE it,
they are almost literal personifications OF it,
god it's scaring me so much.


oh
"that is the bliss of slavery."
so that's what happened to ryuko. this isn't her at all.

possession parallels too, huh

(I do like the explanation for why senketsu's outfit form is so revealing; that’s interesting)



I have never been so upset/disturbed by an anime before; I am honestly an anxious wreck right now.
god I hope this ends well, please.

oh THANK GOD

"I have to take it off, even if I die! because if I don’t, I'll never get to wear senketsu again!"

god that's a shot to the heart


I have to be up at 5 and it's going to be 1 when I finish episode 22 and I don’t care.
I need to see how this works out. I have to.

and this episode is gorgeous

"I understand now. The world is not cut from the same cloth. It is because it is overflowing with inexplicable, unidentifiable things that the world is so beautiful. fight at my side so that we may protect that world, ryuko!"

I
I was just thinking this exact thing on the drive home today.
seeing all the little warm lights in the windows of people's houses, windows down with the sweet night-forest air pouring in, the sunset all vivid blues and pinks splashed across the heavens.
I nearly cried with joy. I loved it all so much. I want to protect it all, and even better, I want to protect it on an individual basis.
the world is not cut from the same cloth. protecting the world as a conglomerate concept doesn't do it true justice.
you have to protect the world as its heart. as the people. as every little precious tiny thing, in and of itself, as part of the whole.


"don't let their love for you go to waste. be happy enough to make up for our cursed family."

there is so much love in this series, I adore it.

two more episodes to go.
let's do that tomorrow, after I get some precious little sleep.

(I love this ending theme so much btw; it's adorable)

BTW THE DIFFERENT LYRICS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT.

"it's been easy to blame someone else for my failure, but if I keep doing it, there will be no tomorrow for me. I was probably just lazy, I'm sorry."


she's not going to kill them (yet) because they're "precious energy sources."
that's deeply upsetting.
it's blatant disregard for the sanctity of life, plus objectification.


"I will atone for my shameful behavior through my actions!"
"behold the power of my freed ego! the shackles undone and all pride cast aside!"

this super transformation is GORGEOUS

"the closer I come to dying, the stronger I bounce back"


"you can't drag the past around with you forever!"

clean cut from the past/ present selves better than past selves/ sheathing the old sword/ moving on and graduating
VERY RELEVANT THEMES TO OUR LIFE RIGHT NOW

"he'll always be with you in your heart."






WHAT A GREAT SHOW, SERIOUSLY

 

 

 

 

 

cleaning out odd papers lying around and typed them out here:


RED= "LOVERS," NO LUST!!
versus pink (affection), cerise (sensuality), black (creation)
(i feel like we talked about this already? but this felt significant when we first realized it)


★Plague PRETENDS TO BE THE SUN
(did we get this from dune? it was a sudden while-reading realization, written very suddenly and significantly in all caps)
(either way it still feels huge so keep it in mind)


1229=
project hope at 1:11
"vigilance" on spotify shuffle


when reading "a grief observed"=
"original kid" and sense of "selfish completeness?" loves self, needs no other?


color links (DISHONORED) gray/aqua, etc.
(i forget what this was exactly? but i remember it was interesting. i think vibes between the game and us color-wise matching up. either way we do adore this game and have wanted to talk more about how it's resonated with us personally; like its environments are in floatspace essentially, the entire vibe of it just clicked solidly for some reason and it all feels very familiar and oddly stabilizing to be wandering through there)


★TO DO: start testing home memory.
walk around and see what triggers what, WRITE IT DOWN.
you may have to hit a NEUTRAL mindset first so stuff comes up.


STARCH=SUGAR!!
YOU CANNOT EAT EITHER.


introjects= rooted primarily in BEHAVIORS!!!
THEY DON’T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THEIR ORIGIN PEOPLE

"if I do this, they do what I tell them to do"
(withholding food, sleep, cleanness, etc.)
★CORRUPT "HELP"


- review the plush situation, ESPECIALLY with parallels to CHILDHOOD
(innocence & death with hacks)


★"jackie" = REAL "main social" alter, modeled after schoolmates
WAS AT WORK?
she knows the brother?
★ does NOT answer properly to the given name!!

SYNAPSE= BRAIN
DENDRITE= MANY DEFINITIONS


1019 NOTES
★ black & white are BACKGROUND presences??
whites/blacks are INNERS and SHOULDN'T FRONT??

★ there's a list of color + level optimization on the laptop; WORK ON THAT.

we need a FRONTER tied to the BLC & League who is INNOCENT and NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP??
who doesn't black out in public but is ALWAYS rooted inside = "in the world, NOT OF IT!!"




therapy= JUNG DREAM MEANINGS (animals)

★black horns= sacrifice (to chthonic deities?)
animal souls "true nature"



inside an ancient school notebook:

poem lines=
"don't quit"
"success is failure turned inside out"

song= dean martin?
"you're here today, no future fears
this day will last 1000 years"

 

 

something i realized today after hearing the radio at work:
avril's "complicated" and default's "wasting my time" are marked 2002????!?!?
BOTH those songs disturbed us greatly when they were first out as they both made us think of rape. no one that age should be reminded of that so easily.
so according to memories of walking around the school playground when those songs were out, that means the Julie days STARTED BETWEEN 2002-2003.
that's terrifyingly early.