may 4 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

I'm reading old Xangas and my heart is shattering.
I need this but God it hurts. God it hurts, because things as far back as 2008 are STILL APPLICABLE NOW.

In a way it's exciting. In a way it's terrifying.
Lately we've been seeing so much more clearly, to huge extents.




I'm listening to Fantasy in FL with a "party next door" filter on, and the bass modded so that it's a rumble in the chest, the warm rumbling resonance that always reminds me of car engines in my dad's garage, red lovely speedsters with glossy paint and fire in their wheels. the REAL kind of summer feeling, the good kind.

about that. it's summer now, as far as we're concerned, with this heat.
we do NOT like the heat, at ALL.
for some reason, warm weather "feels like trauma?" not sure why yet, but there are a few pointers:
1. amusement parks. we DESPISE THEM.
2. the local "lake beaches." we ALSO despise those.
3. the fact that the first physical encounter with Q happened in the summer and it was not healthy.
4. as a child the grandmother would announce every thunder/wind storm with "I hope it burns/blows this house down," usually for the reason of "god punishing" us. she'd be gleeful about this. I'd be terrified.
5. heat in general is just instant sensory overload.

summer, as a child, was defined by "do everything and anything the mother said," which basically meant that we were going to go on long hot tiring car trips, to loud busy bright places with crowds and scary brass music and people always bumping into us and not being able to go home or have quiet or do what we wanted to.
summer smells like cigarettes and gravel dust and funnel cakes and lake water and chalk and the garage and thunderstorms.
summer as a child was defined by painful hyperarousal to the point of total dissociation, loud noises and lights, manic energy, and the total lack of autonomy and feelings of safety/security/peace.
so yeah summer is not cool. literally too.
also you can't "run from" the heat. in winter you can have warmth alongside the cold, you don't need to fight it, you just need to bring in heat. but in summer, you can't really bring in cold! the cold just feels like it's fighting an uphill battle. there's always that sweltering heaviness behind it. it feels like a fever pressing all over our body from the outside and it is terrible.

that's important to mention.
heat gives us almost-instant panic attacks, we've noticed.
in the summer, it's scary to drive because we psychologically can't cope with the heat, and we start blacking out at the wheel. the mind literally tries to shut down instead of just dissociating.
there's this little boy alter who was out in 2013, I remember-- there was a big entry we wrote with him back then that the computer ate and I am really sorry about that-- he keeps coming out and sobbing about the heat. he is straight-up terrified of it. again we're not sure how to comfort him yet because we're all having trouble with it.

also. as a result of all this, we were wondering… childhood aside (that's a blur in any case), why is it that we CANNOT remember the summer at large, notably past 2009?
like literally, right now our brain is solid stuck in 2009. spinzor keeps coming out, of all people, wondering why we aren't going to illustration class and letting her chill out in coffeeshops with her laptop. it's a legit backtrack to that time period. it's shocking. GOOD though. spinzor holds part of the jewel bloodline and therefore she is 1) tied to the leagueworlds and 2) an optimistic, non-traumatized voice. THANK GOD.

in the summer we need people out who can survive the summer.
that is why we cannot remember summers. CERTAIN PEOPLE ONLY FRONT IN THE SUMMER. they do not appear at ALL during the winter, and their memories are apparently not shared, and so we "forget" that whole time period.
but summer fronters are close to manics, that's the problem. fiery people can survive the fire. that's part of why we don't like summer, too-- that energy is not nice.
spinzor isn't full manic though. she has the red edge but she's air-conditioned, if you get the vibe. she's a super energetic summer voice, without the sweltering heat.
glissando should start coming out once the trees turn green and summer nights start happening, if she still exists. we'll see. it'll be interesting.
we’re going to be paying very close attention to who comes out, and who is triggered, this summer. like I said, we're becoming much much more aware of things and it's exciting and scary but here we are, and we're going to play this hand we've been dealt.


back to the beginning.
we've been seeing things much more clearly lately.
intuition is getting a LOT sharper. we're learning to listen to it better, and follow it better, now that we can tell when it's US and not the floating voices. it's progress.
we're slowly letting go of the past too. old timelines are crumbling even more. we can look back at stored memories but they're no longer as painful as they were. time heals I guess. maybe we should thank cel for that


there's so much we've forgotten.
I think that's why my heart is downright glowing when I'm reading these old entries. We've forgotten so much, due to "normalcy" numbing and bleaching and all that. We've forgotten us, we've forgotten our very heart.

Lately, a lot of 'selfless' fronters have been saying that. They'll say something with a broad "I," not a personal pronoun, or a non-individualized "we," speaking for the System. I've noticed we can all get that sometimes, when we speak for "us" as a whole… but, someone was talking the other night to Laurie and it said, effectively, that even if they didn’t know who she was, "the heart" did? Like, there's this base "self" way deep down, the core of the System and all of us, a well of pure consciousness of sorts… and it holds these bigger truths. One of them, apparently, is that all mains/ cores/ etc. have this deep sort of devotion to Laurie, regardless of how close they personally are to her.
I think we have Cannon to thank for that. That warms my heart, too.

Speaking of Cannon, and Spinzor/Glissando earlier… I ACTUALLY got Blueshift to WORK yesterday (she's our old hard drive who has been on the fritz since at least 2012) and so I quickly salvaged ALL the old League files we had on there… and then I decided to look through the old "all pictures" folder, which had stuff in it dated from 2009-2010. Well! Organizing it by date, I actually was able to get a rough grip on what was happening when. Most significantly, I found glissando's old avatars, which were the only things ze ever used to represent hirself (ze had no self-image, which was unusual). So yeah, I was able to get some timestamps and that helped clarify our internal timeline a little more.
Like we said earlier, it's exciting. Looking back now, we can see so much, pieces are falling right into place now.

Chaos is… doing incredibly well lately. It's such a relief. He's been battling Perfect since we met him, but within the past month or so-- mainly since E sent us his new anchor plush-- he's been so in-tune with himself.
He's more acutely aware of just how sensitive he is, what with literally being made of water and crystals. Both those things react, receive, and hold outside information. That can be used for incredible good, or terrible evil. He's been dealing with both, for many many years.
Perfect seems to have split off more from him now though. I've been seeing him lately as his own person again, like he used to appear way back in 2005 or so, before he inexplicably became internalized. I don't know if he's moving into "daemon" territory now or what? Genesis seems to be going through the same thing lately. I'll keep you posted; I'm trying to reach out to Infi more lately in any case (ze's been distant due to crippling self-doubt) and Chocoloco is still talking to me almost daily, so Daemons are pretty front-and-center in my mind.
Anyway. CZ feels like himself, which is hard to explain. I know when he's unstable, or slipping, or "not all there." I know when he's picking up too much subconscious radiation to really "be himself." And I know when none of that is happening. Lately, that's how it's been.
…I think the hacks pushed him to this, really. Everyone's been so distraught, and with the Tar/Plague still trying to use him to get at me, I guess he just put his foot down. Let's put it this way: if I, when standing in my integrity, am white fire, then he is a wall of water. There's this solid power to him that I miss, quite frankly. He's shining so much. He's smiling more and he's not afraid, he's not dim-eyed or confused and he's being vigilant with me and the other core-fronters too.
I love him. I love him a lot. There's a light in my heart that goes on whenever I think about him and it makes me smile just as brightly. But I'm not the only one who loves him. Like I said, there are past core-fronters who still exist, not "behind" me but alongside me. I'm NOT the only "main person" right now-- actually, it could be argued that I'm one of the people who's out the least. I'm the System Core, but I'm NOT the Main Fronter, and I don't hold the Jewel Bloodline either. See what I mean? There are other people around and a lot of them are out around CZ and they know him too.
There's one of them that feels sort of like Cannon (I think their roots are around early 2010?), and "she" has been phasing in at night lately, for little bits. Chaos recognizes when she's out and he's been kind to her.
That's another thing. Chaos is learning to ASK, always. If "I" get switchy upstairs, he'll ask-- "who am I talking to now? Do you have a name? How about a color? How old are you? What year is it? Do you know who I am?" Things like that. It's so helpful. I am… really damn proud that this creature is in my life, haha. It's hard to put into words. I just adore his existence, just as it is.
I think his renewed presence in our collective life, as stable as it is now, is a huge part as to why we've been doing so much better lately. We've always known he's important to us, after all. Plus anyone who is tied to genuine love has even more "punch" in terms of influence and significance. Love is huge up here. It heals everything. It keeps us together. It's light, light itself.

…
About those Xanga entries.
I wasn't the one who started reading them but the page is staring me in the face and I can feel the punch behind those, too. There's so much sheer love tied to reading them, that's the main thing.
Isn't it funny, how that love is actually what makes it so difficult to review this stuff, and to get "back in tune" with the System? It's unbearably beautiful sometimes. Often. Typically. Always, I daresay. But, when you're trying to "survive" in the "real world" by being "normal" all the time… well, that sort of ardor is frowned upon. It's sad, but it's true. Hence all our numb and abusive social fronters. But we're becoming more aware, all of us, and we're standing up to that now. We're being braver. We're forsaking "normal" for "true" and we are slowly, but surely, trying to act consciously at all times, in accordance with who WE are within. Programming has got to stop.

There's so much else I need to write. Good heavens. SO much has been happening lately and there haven't been many "daily" updates, due to the traumatized people (bless their hearts, broken as they are) updating in the wake of negative things. I've… been mostly sheltered from that, honestly. Again, I have to be. But I'm not being forced to front now, either, which is both preserving me and helping others. The fighters, like Overload, are now able to show up. The impervious ones, like Jewel and Spinzor, are also freely allowed to take over. I'm no longer being shoved into the driver's seat when I should be staying at home, haha. I'm an internally-rooted voice, so that's not my job anyway!
In any case I type the most, ideally-- and when it's not dealing with daily raw data, of course. The Archivists could hand that stuff to me but it's going to sound flat if they do. Let those who lived it type it up.

We learned a lot even just today, we had to take a bunch of notes on the voice recorder. I'll transcribe them into here soon. I also apologize because although I FINALLY got the files off Mitchell, the old one, there are literally 81 of them and that's several hours of audio! So I haven't transcribed a lot of those yet. I should. There's at least one really gorgeous one from after we first read Island in 2012 or so. I'd especially like to share that one, and make it permanently recorded here. It's… now that I think of it, that one's also touchingly relevant in light of recent events, too. I should listen to it tomorrow.


…But the love is unbearable. I think it's only because we've been closed off from it for so long.
That's why the hackers keep getting to the hurt ones, the sad ones. They want love but they're scared, because in order to receive love they have to see themselves as someone that CAN be loved, and there's this initial blindingly bright existential validation to it… an incredulously blissful "I exist?" that stomps down into your heart like iron, and you're never the same again. But becoming, for lack of a better term, aches. Once you are, once you gain a color or a face or a name, once you are something more than a ghost… well, then things hurt. Then you have to take life with both the joy and the pain. I think a lot of the damaged faceless ones aren't ready for that, or able to have that, in some cases… it's something we need to reflect upon more.
I should try anyway. It blows my mind, to look at Julie and realize that I, or at least the gem of truth in my heart that has always been "I," even before this particular incarnation inside… to realize that I, through love and faith alone, was able to give her enough hope to become who she is now. Of course I'm not solely responsible, heavens no, but… I think I was the first to even try sending love to her, back when she was still corrupt. And it mattered.
…That was always my true power up here, wasn't it? Love. The capacity to love. The willingness to love even when it was scary or painful or terribly difficult.

The ironic thing is that, at least for me, having a fixed form/ body makes it terrifically difficult to show love. It gets in the way in every sense of the word. That's kind of why I prefer to stay inside.

…Today, this evening, Chaos said to me… effectively, "thank you for being as faithful to me as I am to you."
It was the sentiment of fidelity, of steadfastness, of sticking around through the good times and the bad. He said it to me. I actually paused for a second to take that in. I mean, I have, I've NEVER given up on him, even during those times when "I" literally forgot who he was… I remembered, love is a choice. Love is a state of being. Love is something I promised to this creature over ten years ago, and damn it but I'm not going to break that promise even if I don't understand it right now, because there's something in my heart-- in this heart-- that still loves him.
That's what the vague fronters mean when they speak for the System, in facts. That’s what I mean when I say love is powerful, that it is the biggest thing that matters. It has put down anchors in our very soul that hold us fast to our best selves, to the most luminous version of what we can be. It lets us be beacons of that.
It's not something that translates well into words. I want to live it, actively. That's what we're trying to conquer this "normalcy" for, too. It's difficult to be so openly loving when you're busy trying to decide if that love is "socially acceptable" or whatever. People lately seem to be so emotionally stunted, or censored… so many people wear masks and follow scripts and it hurts. I know, we're struggling with that too, unfortunately. But I try to be a light, always. Whenever possible, without fail, if I can put down all the walls and just glow, then I will.
I mean, complete strangers still walk up to me with smiles and start genuine trusting conversations. I don't try to fake conversation anymore. I want to bring kindness and hope and happiness and courage wherever I go. I'm starting to learn that I don't have to do anything to accomplish that, after all. I just have to be who I am.


There's a lot that needs to be written yet, but it's terribly late and we're not going to get much sleep again tonight… gosh darn it I always get carried away with these things. Sorry.
I do want to read more of those Xangas before I update again, so I can talk more about them. I apologize for not doing so tonight, or letting whoever started that continue to do so. I guess it was too much all at once, for today, on top of everything else. But the intention is there, it's not fading, no one's running away. That's good.

Remind me to talk about the Leagueworld work that's been being done lately, most notably for Parnassus. There's some really beautiful insight and development that's coming in, and applying itself to all the Worlds in heartspace, which I want to talk about. It ripples out to us, too, it always does.
There's also been a lot more emphasis on color significance lately, again, to both us and the League. I'm putting a file together to be constantly updated and I adore this stuff so it's doing me good. It's also very intriguing so if I find out anything really relevant or even just really cool I will let you know.
But the League work has been very heart-based as of late and that is significant. It… I think that's losing the shadows the Plague tried to shove into it. I hope to God that's true. We're burning it off in any case, really.

I feel like maybe I'll be able to write poetry again soon. I hope so. I miss that.


Good night, everyone. I love you all, and wish you the best.

(now I really should go see my boss because I miss him too and I am late for work, you know)