the spectrum heart cathedral system

We have so many faceless children in the System. It seems like the older we get physically, the "younger" we are inside? We feel more and more helpless and scared and small every day. There is a legitimate part of our mind that is a frightened crying child and s/he keeps crying "i want my mommy" but the instant we imagine any sort of adult female like our mother (long dark hair) the child starts screaming hysterically and runs away in tears. "mommy," she sobs, but she feels so lost, like, what is a mother? I don't think she knows.
"Grandma" is still safe, in memory. ALL the children will run to her instinctively. But... the memories don't match up. There was an phago-paidifoni who kept eating rice pudding last month, because it would immediately transport her into a vivid sensory memory of being in the kitchen or on the porch with grandma, eating homemade rice pudding, feeling safe and loved. The problem is that at some point, she started trying to remember what our grandma actually talked and acted like in those situations, and... it wasn't always nice. That's a fact. Our grandmother could be very critical, and said hurtful things often, even if she didn't mean to. And the phago-paidifoni became so confused and disturbed, because this wasn't what they needed or wanted from her. They wanted to feel safe and loved and comforted, but that was suddenly gone now that this ideal visual was changing to reflect memory. And they disappeared, stopped eating rice pudding entirely, because now it was triggering. It's sad.

Anyway. What would a child want, from a "mother"? That's hard to answer, because the very WORD "mother" brings up immediate feelings of TERROR and PANIC and the urge to FLEE AND HIDE. We can't delve into that right now; it's too early and we will need to recover mentally from this entry the way it is.
But our therapist said, don't ask the System itself at this point. We have too much pain and trauma, we can't see straight. Growing up we never really "had" a mother or father in the "family role" sense. We had a biological mother and father, but neither of them knew how to be parents; they barely knew each other to begin with, and both of them were extremely independent and stubborn, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" types. They weren't home much, worked constantly, and had NO warmth or intimacy or quiet time to give. Our grandparents were the same. So... we didn't have a context of what a "normal family" looks like as a child, and so we couldn't even imagine anything different. Hence why the Spherae never had parental figures in it until we hit college and wrote some in just as "filler." Even so, what would parents act like? We didn't know.
You know how we do know, now? Our faith has told us. We had NO IDEA what a "real parent" SHOULD look like, at ALL, until we really started to commit ourselves to being Catholic. Suddenly, we realized what we were missing. We jarringly became aware of an immense lack in our life, of an "infantile need" that was never met, of a hunger completely ignored and denied until now. THAT'S why we suddenly have "all these internal children" crying helplessly, lost and confused, knowing they need something-- someone-- but not having any idea what to do about it. They're helpless. I emphasize that word, because it defines childhood for us. Powerless, incapable, totally dependent. And... I don't think we were ever allowed to be that historically? Our parents drilled self-sufficiency and excellence and competition and achievement into our brains from the very beginning; we were even pitted against our siblings to "be the best" and nothing ever felt "good enough." The bar was always moved higher. Our mother said "that should have made you try harder!!" but honestly it just made us feel... helpless. We felt defeated before we even started. We internalized a sense of total ineptitude, inadequacy, failure-- we were a disappointment and a letdown no matter what we did. But that's slightly off-topic. The point is, we were never able to just be a child in need. We were expected to do everything for ourself, to be strong and not burden others, to "make our family proud," etc. Somehow this translated to "don't ever weigh other people down with your problems/ whining/ stupidity/ weakness/ etc.," which ultimately boiled down to "you're not allowed to be weak," in any and all senses.
Children are weak, by definition. At least, that's what I've been told now. My brain still "can't accept it." It's not allowed. "They're just choosing to be weak to get something out of people, to manipulate them," like my mother would say. But was I? When "I" was a child, a two-year-old crying from fear or discomfort or hunger or loneliness, and I was weak in that crying, was I actively trying to manipulate my mother out of selfish concern? Or was I just scared and needed comfort and security and... did I "need" it? That's where my mind goes. "You don't really need it. Grow up. Get over it." etc. Children aren't weak, they're just selfish and lazy...
Notice I wouldn't even dare type the word "love." A child needs love. Do they? Isn't it horrible that I instinctively doubt that? That alone says volumes about my upbringing, and the tragic wrecked state of our psyche.

So our homework is to imagine a child in concept, effectively-- "like a character in a story," our therapist said. Like someone in the Spherae. From that "detached" perspective, informed now by Catholic teaching of Truth, what would real parents look and act like? Where does our mind go, instinctively, when it's "safe" to think of such things, from a distance as it were? That's what we need to take time to do.
Notably, I want to mention that it's only within the past two years or so that we've been able TO conceptualize this at ALL, again thanks to our faith. We are ACTUALLY comfortable with referring to the Blessed Virgin Mary AS "mom" now, and regularly do. I think that just started this year, to be honest. She IS "mom," or "mommy," and she hears that term from us a lot during hysterical prayers in times of trauma and terror. But that fact alone is staggeringly significant. In those moments, when we think and feel we are going to die (and in some awful cases, might actually), what do we do? We blindly, desperately, helplessly cry out for mom. And we're not afraid of her. That's HUGE. We used to be, because the way she is portrayed in European/American art IS frightening to us, but in Orthodox iconography our heart recognizes and loves her. So we focus on those images, because "that's our mom's face" and that child-part of our heart clings to that in a way we've never experienced physically or historically. So healing IS happening there. I think that's more important to reflect upon than ANY "imagined" parents even in the Spherae, because after all we'd be defining those characters by what we know or can imagine, and that applicable data is ONLY positive inasmuch as we've received it from Mary. She IS the "mother of all mothers" after all.
Fatherhood is... oddly so much easier. Yeah our dad wasn't around much, but he somehow still embodied a LOT of what we "needed" a father TO be as a child? And yet... there was so much missing that we're only realizing and feeling now that we're older, and are instinctively looking for it, and cannot get it from him. He's never been emotionally or physically close, for one thing. We were reading Father's Day cards in the store the other day and it just... it hurt, so much, to want to say these things to my dad but I couldn't, because he never DID such things. That was like a gutpunch to the soul.
But you know what has been helping us conceptualize real Godly motherhood and fatherhood SO MUCH lately? THE CHOSEN. Oh man that NEEDS its own entry (or fifteen) but for this topic it will suffice to say that the portrayal of the mother and father figures in that series is rewiring our entire brain. It's... it's life-changing, and I don't say that lightly. It's inevitable that such a deeply positive reprogramming of our entire perspective and understanding on this topic WILL change our life-- honestly, it's already motivated us to take extra strong steps to repair our relationship with our mother lately. God is working through that show, in us, visibly and surprisingly so.
But oh my gosh ZEBEDEE. In short, HE is what our soul wants and perhaps needs a "father" to be. He's like our actual dad in a lot of ways, but fills in the gaps too-- I don't know how quite to put it into words yet. But there's a warmth, a sociability almost? Like, he's out there, you can be around him, and he's approachable and... we need that. The sense that you can go to him and he will be strong and honest and supportive and safe. We need that. 
Mother Mary is still our mom, in the show, too. The moments where she takes care of Jesus, even as an adult, like the scene where she just washes His hair... there's a tenderness there that our mother never showed, and we need it somehow. I want to cry, deep down, some part of our soul wants to sob about that, but I don't know why or how.

One last note on this topic before we close up for the morning-- something we've seen mention of in the F/O community is the idea of "maternal and paternal f/o's"??? That's such a... it's a novel concept, to us. Could we ever find a character in media that would somehow personify those ideals our child-selves are seeking? Or could the very searching for such a character be even more valuable, in the process of seeking and therefore recognizing how those characters met or did not meet those needs? We already have the perfect Mother in Mary, and God is our Father, so we don't want to dishonor them by "introjecting" some fictional and imperfect reflection of their very virtues. Furthermore, we don't want any more Outspacers if at all possible. If there are ANY "parents" in the System, they NEED to be Nousfoni. That is CRITICAL. And... we don't have any, except perhaps Sherilyn, but even she shows toxic damage from reflecting childhood mother-understanding, which includes the damaging traits of our mother at that time. So we have to be careful.

This is a heavy but important topic. We will keep revisiting it here and in therapy. We need to review the archives and see what we have written on this in the past-- we don't remember anything. The past two years, although full of eternally meaningful spiritual growth and instruction, have nevertheless, as a result of that honed focus, caused massive memory loss of our historical-personal past. Our sense of self has deteriorated, and the System is barely functioning, except for the thriskefoni and esthiofoni, ironically up to this point. But we're still healing, despite it all. We're doing better by the grace of God. It's war, it will always be war, but Christ is the Victor and the closer we move and stay to Him the better we will be on all levels.

That's it for today, we have daily responsibilities to do. But it's nice to be typing again.
Remind me to upload the smattering of daily notes on our phone, as well as the indispensable "How We Feel" app notes that document the immediate post-hospital crash events. That's very important for our history, and to restore a sense of continuity to our life-awareness pre-Lent, as that too demolished our recollection and identity. Again, warfare. But we soldier on.

Time to fight the good fight in everyday virtue now. Pray for us, as always.

 

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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"On a day-to-day basis, I'd like people to try to:"
✳ RESPECT me enough to be STRAIGHT with me = DIALOGUE
✳ BE HONEST & DIRECT YET COMPASSIONATE. Please DON'T be "softshoeing" or "inoffensive" but DON'T THROW DARTS at me either?
1. Respect my need for distance/ quiet/ stillness, while still kindly allowing me to be welcome & feel wanted in nearby company
2. Respect my innate plurality, as it affects how "I" speak & behave & think, and if it is denied/ rejected/ ignored, so is the TRUTH of my life AND the "REAL" me
3. Give me at least feedback, if not dialogue, when I speak. I may ramble, but I'm not monologuing. I'm sharing my thoughts WITH you because I trust I CAN tell you.

"When you see that I'm upset about something, please try to:"
1. NOT touch me! That will unsettle/ scare me more. I need space, but NOT abandonment. Help me get AWAY from crowds/ noise/ business so I CAN calm down/ think/ communicate.
2. NOT stare at me or "put the focus" on me. Stay "accessible" if I need help but don't FORCE "help" on me? All that attention/ FUSS makes me feel TRAPPED/ IN DANGER/ IN TROUBLE.
3. ASK CLEAR & "SEARCHING" QUESTIONS. Not "are you okay?" but, "hey, talk to me. What shook you up so bad?" EVEN if I'm OTHERWISE "unable to respond," I/ WE CAN STILL "GIVE DATA"? That's "GROUNDING" & helps me "GET BACK TO MYSELF."

"When you say "you DO/ you WILL/ you ALWAYS/ you FEEL" etc. to me, I feel SCARED, ANGRY, SAD, & "TRAPPED" because I assume YOUR words override my own experiences, and I "can't say no" to "truth." In the future, when we talk about my history/ behavior/ personality, I'd prefer if you try your best to ask more questions & enter into honest DIALOGUE rather than speak in absolutes/ assumptions, or just talk "AT" each other because I care about our relationship & WANT real communication/ genuine relationship."

"Other important things I need to tell you:"
I'm prone to either "acting like everything is perfect/ no problems" FOR the BENEFIT/ HAPPINESS of others, OR "spilling my guts" & "dwelling on the pain" out of a desperate attempt to "feel cared about"/ "get help"/ FINALLY ADMIT THAT I'M NOT PERFECT. I'm not trying to drag you down or depress you. I'm TRUSTING you enough to be THAT VULNERABLE in the hopes that we can "CONNECT" & GROW TOGETHER even in sharing wounds TO HEAL! (YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME (HOPED) TO BE HONEST & VULNERABLE WITH ME, TOO.)

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"What helps your wellbeing to stay mentally healthy at work?"
Quiet environment, "stillness" (MINIMIZE distraction = lessens "shock" of forced shifts from "inner to outer"), upbeat or calming music (depending on whether I'm doing hard labor or more meditative tasks), dialogue with the System, making BOTH "tasks that need to be completed today" AND "pros/ cons for possible decisions" lists? (to PREVENT impulsivity! NOT anxious obsessing, but WISE DISCERNMENT for NON-DISORDERED CHOICES; "NEUTRAL") ("S.M.A.R.T." list! Prioritized and ACHIEVABLE within realistic time/ means? PREVENT OVERWHELM & SPECIFY FOCUS & EFFORT)
✳ ALSO we WILL need to MAKE SURE WE EAT & EXERCISE at proper times to HELP our brain!

"What can your mother do to support you staying healthy at work?"
Mom could give me a SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE TASK, with a clear "end goal" & directions? Having my own background music helps too, instead of chatter OR her music? (No offense intended, it just brings up childhood/ trauma flashbacks that it is NOT the right time or place to process) ALSO if I pack a lunch/ breakfast, a STILL/ QUIET/ CLEAN environment to eat IN helps a LOT. Eating in that house is one of my biggest trauma triggers.

"Are there any situations at work that can trigger poor mental health for you?"
CONSTANT HIGHSPEED TALKING/ BACKGROUND NOISE/ LOUD MUSIC & TV/ RUSHING. The house ITSELF is stressful with the clutter & cats & dirt. It smells like death. I MIGHT need to STAY OUT OF THOSE SPACES & work on the porch or outside? I WILL LIKELY NEED TO "STAY UPSTAIRS" TO FUNCTION PROPERLY. Also BE VIGILANT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL TRAUMA TRIGGERS. BRING COPING TOOLS WITH US.

"What do you usually do that helps you manage stress?"
"BURN OFF" stress with short-term high-intensity exercise (HIGH IMPACT); take a "time out" to BREATHE OUTSIDE (at the house)/ GO UPSTAIRS; go somewhere private where we can FEEL & EXPRESS & briefly PROCESS our stress response; basically DO NOT BOTTLE IT UP OR DENY IT!! Then we can do something POSITIVE to "RECOVER"/ physically "shake out" the trauma, like listening to upbeat System tunes + SING/ DANCE.

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What, and who, is worth suffering for?
"Suffering," to me, is the experience of some negative/ painful circumstance that we are averse and/or resistant to. As a Catholic, I believe that Christ suffered ALL human pain for the sake of love. By sharing it WILLINGLY, He TRANSFORMED it into a MEANS OF SANCTIFICATION. Choosing to suffer for love of another is the victory of goodness over evil, of life over death.

What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?
I would stand for the truth of my faith, for the reality of our System, for the purpose & worth & beauty of ALL life & creation, and the legitimacy of objective Truth.

What would you do if you knew that nobody would judge you?
Honestly, I would LIVE FULLTIME AS A SYSTEM, be completely unafraid of sharing & PUBLISHING the League, and get ENTHUSIASTICALLY involved in the selfshipping & queer Catholic communities online. I also would go back to publishing MUSIC online, and maybe do a poetry reading locally & do art for a gallery.

Based on your daily routines, where will you be in five years?
Well, if we DON'T CHANGE IT, we'll be DEAD! But if we DO, to our IDEAL, we will be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, with a discography and portfolio, and will be doing public speaking on inspirational/ motivational/ SPIRITUAL topics. We might ALSO be a consecrated virgin. We'll ALSO BE PROPERLY CATECHIZED & PROPERLY BUFF. And we'll be JOYOUSLY ALIVE!

What do you not want anybody else to know about you?
...The grotesque extents of self-abuse and sexual torture/ humiliation we suffered AT OUR OWN HANDS during the Julie Days & Splinter era.

What are a few things you thought you would never get over while you were going through them? Why did they seem so insurmountable? How did you?
The SLC/ CNC eras. The Julie days. The "hell summer." We survived because we NEVER let go of our FAITH IN GOD, OR our LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Who do you admire the most, and why?
Outside the System? Maybe my mom & dad? Or Jem Godfrey/ Todd Rundgren. I admire their TENACIOUS, UNFLAGGING DRIVE, commitment to constant creative output, and strong yet humorous personalities.

What are your greatest accomplishments so far?
NOT DYING! Also the ARCHIVES, and writing/ drawing/ composing as much as we HAVE for the League.

What would be too good to believe if someone were to sit down and tell you what’s coming next in your life?
Actually meeting (and probably marrying) Chaos 0, seriously. But more "realistically," that I WOULD COMPLETE & PUBLISH at least the main Leagueworlds, and they would be RECEIVED WITH JOY AND LOVED BY CHILDREN especially.

Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?
Mom. Dad. Grandma. Q. Mel. MC. TBAS. UPMC & HAVEN doctors. AAA & HB, maybe.

If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?
LEAGUEWORK & RELIGIOUS STUDY that is the FOUNDATION for my creative works. I'd also BUY & LEARN as many instruments & art mediums as possible, and VISIT GIMMELWALD

What are the five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?
Mass + prayer, Bible study, bike exercise, listening to religious lectures, & coping with mental issues tbh

What do you wish those five most common things were instead?
I'd like to ADD IN Leaguework, journaling, playing music, BETTER exercise (WEIGHTS), Adoration, and spending time with the fam & neighbors in MUTUALLY EDIFYING WAYS

If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?
The trauma. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALL OF IT, rightly or wrongly. I hope that if I DO have control over it, I can "MAKE RESTITUTION" or "FIX" things. ...Also I feel the same about my grandparents deaths.

If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why do you keep the rest?
ALL THE LEAGUESTUFF, my childhood Bible, the anchor plushies of Celebi & Chaos 0 & Unisalia, maybe a few children's books. So many other things were "bought with blood money" or are just daily-need tools/ items. The former I keep because I desperately hope I (or better, GOD) can still use them IN/ AS RESTITUTION.

What bothers you most about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?
Bother = "cowardice", talking quiet/ trailing off, arrogance, showing off, acting entitled, seeking "safety," "mousy" behavior, unassertiveness, lewd/ sexual behavior & interests, crying, complaining, closed body language, talking too much, talking over people, being too interested in pop culture, inability to read/ spell? "Not knowing what they SHOULD"
Love = their hopes & dreams, little idiosyncrasies, their favorite things & WHY, their physical uniqueness, their histories & what brought them to this very moment
In MYSELF, it's VIRTUALLY THE SAME. I am bothered by SEEING what I'M AFRAID to/ DON'T WANT TO EVER BE.

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WITH "SELF-CARE," ASK = "WHAT NURTURES YOU?" WHAT SUPPORTS YOUR WELL-BEING? (NOT COMPULSIVE APPEASEMENT)
✳ SELF-CARE CANNOT BE FORCED!!
✳ "SELF-CARE" IS SUBJECTIVE!! It depends on what YOU UNIQUELY NEED THAT DAY!
✳ YOU MUST BE WILLING AND ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSE THESE ACTIVITIES OR THEY AREN'T SELF-CARE!! EVEN if they're difficult, if you GENUINELY FEEL/ REASON that it WILL "NOURISH" YOUR BEING FOR GOOD, then it IS a CARING CHOICE. IF YOU'RE FORCING YOURSELF AND FURTHER STRESSING/ EXHAUSTING YOURSELF, YOU'RE NOT BEING CARING!!!
(✳ think of FLOWERS: each one NEEDS different soil/ light/ water/ food to PROPERLY FLOURISH in ITS UNIQUENESS!)

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"What is a situation where waiting 15 minutes before reacting could have helped you in the past?"

GROCERY SHOPPING. We tend to DISSOCIATE in social situations, ESPECIALLY with all the environmental sensory overwhelm, so we HAVE to spend a LOT of time DISCUSSING our GOALS TOGETHER at home FIRST, & WRITE THEM DOWN & STICK TO IT when we get to the store. OTHERWISE, we historically "WILL" act/ choose impulsively/ compulsively, because we're OVERSTIMULATED & LACKING DIRECTION/ PURPOSE. So STOPPING & REASONING TOGETHER & deciding on a GAMEPLAN keeps us acting WISELY.

To "set ourself up for success," we can practice these strategies...

HOW=
● Journaling
● Talking upstairs
● Praying about it
● Making lists
● Typing on phone
● Reading relevant Scripture

WHEN=
● BEFORE entering ANY store
● Before bed/ before rising
● BEFORE driving
● AFTER AND BEFORE MEALS

WHERE=
● In the car
● In Adoration
● In bed before waking up
● At the laptop(s)
● At the window table?

A FEW POSITIVE DISTRACTIONS TO USE=
● Put on a favorite song that has INTERESTING STRUCTURE/ FLOW to draw in your attention & delight
● Start brainstorming the League OUT LOUD (and BRING A VOICE RECORDER!)
● Answer a fun survey, or ponder some "talk topics"

A COPING BOX TO TAKE OUR MIND OFF WAITING=
● PRINTED pages of your favorite Archive entries, Leagueworks, poetry, Scripture, & quotes
● A little Gideon Bible
● A blank notebook & colored pens = TALK TOGETHER
● Magazines/ scissors to prep collages?

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CHANGES TO MAKE AT HOME TO SUSTAIN/ CONTINUE RECOVERY & PREVENT RELAPSE/ TRIGGERS=

● Buy NEW, RESPECTABLE clothes that FIT your HEALTHY BODY
● "REMODEL" KITCHEN to disconnect visuals from flashbacks?
● Set aside a FIXED SPACE in the LIVING ROOM for CREATIVE PROJECTS (paint)?
● BUY KITCHENWARE to facilitate PROPER nutrition (e.g. pot, pan, utensils, bakeware)?
● Get your instruments out of hiding & start to play on them; learn to tap into JOY, not perfection, and THEN start WATCHING LESSONS
● Dust off the Wacom & start SLOW with simply COLORING. Tap into CHILDLIKE JOY; DON'T make art about mere UTILITY
● SLOWLY start living in COMMUNITY. Take the bus. Join the gym. Take a walk to the local cafe/ eateries. SIT OUTSIDE and read OR write, just to be AROUND & ACCESSIBLE to your neighbors. Make FRIENDS.
● Be more active online. Start a blog like your old Tumblr. Do audio readings. Share your talents with the world.

THE VERY FIRST THING I CAN DO=

● BUY ONE WEEK'S WORTH of NEW, NUTRITIOUS FOODS to TRY, that COULD REALISTICALLY BE INTEGRATED INTO A CONSISTENT YET FLEXIBLE DIET PLAN. DON'T OVERBUY/ NO COMPULSIONS!
● START JOURNALING EVERY NIGHT, AND DOING A HANDWRITTEN (BOOK) REFLECTION EVERY MORNING. START FILLING OUT THE LAPTOP SURVEYS IN EARNEST, TO PRACTICE CLARIFYING AND ASSERTING YOUR REAL, UNIQUE IDENTITY.

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AVOIDING RELAPSE INTO BULIMIC BEHAVIORS

LIKELY SITUATIONS FOR RELAPSE:
WHERE: with mom, ESPECIALLY up the house/ after a phone call
WHEN: after breakfast = "DOWNTIME"; feeling RUSHED/ GUILTY
WITH WHOM: with mom, with therapist? ANYTIME I'm NOT with the System!!
DOING WHAT: AFTER EATING, or AROUND FOOD
THINKING WHAT: cruel, self-critical/ hateful/ cursing/ blaming thoughts towards SELF
FEELING WHAT: "impending doom"; intense panic/ manic rush? "sobbing fear" beneath

ACTION STRATEGIES:
1. Sit down, close eyes, deep breathing (several minutes)
2. DIVE RESPONSE + brush teeth + CLEAN UP & LIGHTS OFF!
3. "HIIT" EXERCISE to burn off nerves? LIFT WEIGHTS!
4. GROUNDING exercises; STAY CONSCIOUS IN THE BODY/ IN CONTROL

THINKING STRATEGIES:
1. Think about PEOPLE YOU LOVE & WHO YOU ARE WITH THEM. BE THAT TRUTH!!
2. List League things/ people categorically; describe them in detail; focus on BEAUTY & LOVE
3. Positive affirmations in the PRESENT? "I CAN wait this out." "I WILL practice discipline." etc.
4. Remember Scripture promises/ instructions & CHOOSE to OBEY by GRACE

FEELING STRATEGIES:
1. Put on a "COPING PLAYLIST" & REALLY feel the music
2. Read emotionally moving Archive entries and/or Leaguework
3. Sit down at the laptop & FEEL IT OUT/ WRITE IT DOWN TOGETHER!
4. PRAY ABOUT IT IMMEDIATELY & HOLD NOTHING BACK.

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DISTRESS TOLERANCE EVENTS=
1. Feeling self-conscious about face shape/ body size. Gave big smile & open arms to mirror.
2. Anxious about "no clear direction" to schedule/ treatment. Gave it over to God; TRUST
3. Disturbing/ lewd television programming in group room/ similar conversation; "SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED!!"

NOTICED THOUGHTS=
1. "I have to be accomplishing something & I feel directionless/ overwhelmed"
2. Annoyed/ irritated by group: "I'm upset with how they keep complaining"; anxious about "I'm not doing what I'm expected to"/ "I need to do that art project "PERFECTLY" now"
3. "I'm a failure/ I'm a sham/ I'm in trouble now/ I'm angry that she said that"

✳ ANXI said, "We're afraid that if we're NOT ACTIVELY WORKING, we're NOT PROGRESSING IN TREATMENT" = that's FALSE! ✳ Lynne/ Julie/ Scalpel MUSIC; "it's okay to just think about beautiful things; THAT'S recovery TOO" (of SELF/ PEACE)

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THE EATING DISORDER SEES HEALTH AS:
● Only eat within a 4-6 hour window
● No "heavy/ sticky/ dense" foods
● Eating lots of vegetables
● Minimal/ no sugar
● Low carbs/ no "refined" carbs
● Light density/ low volume, "masculine" foods
● NO desserts/ sweets
● No processed/ packaged food
● 2 hours exercise daily
● Being athletically muscular
● Lots of water
● Only 2 meals maximum
● FASTING 16+ hours DAILY

REALISTIC HEALTH IS:
● Don't force yourself to eat huge amounts OR foods that make you physically ill
● NO "obligatory/ slavery" foods/ NO TRAUMA FORCING
● Eat smaller meals more often
● Eat VARIETY
● No rigid timing or prep rules
● No forcing extra vegetables
● Exercise daily but NOT until you crash
● No hyperfasts
● Able to choose & eat food FREELY/ WITHOUT FEAR OR COMPULSION

THE EATING DISORDER MANIFESTS AS:
● Constantly EITHER fasting OR bingeing
● Rigid food/ timing/ taste/ texture "rules" that make meals exhausting
● Keep forcing myself to use food AS ABUSE or as a TRIGGER
● Can't stop worrying about "wrong/ fatal food choices"
● Always feel scared/ sick/ weak
● Obsessive "I MUST eat that OR ELSE" fear
● Not allowing self to ENJOY food OR make my OWN choices
● NO TIME TO LIVE

THE EATING DISORDER DOES THIS IN MY LIFE (FUNCTION/ NEEDS??):
● Ritualized method of "reliving trauma"
● "Acceptable" form of self-abuse (even in public)
● Attempt to "make restitution" for offenses against others
● Attempt to impress "authority" by my capacity to endure/ suffer/ "be strong"
● Method of "control" over what I'm "forced to ingest"/ PURGE what is harmful
● Way of forcing self to FEEL trauma emotions
● "Force" helpless terror & rage to "jumpstart" my "fighting back"
● Desperate attempts to trigger childhood memories/ "remember alleged happiness"

"VALUE-ALIGNING" WAYS TO MEET THESE SAME NEEDS:
● XANGA SESSION & nightly journaling
● Cathartic music + headspace meditation
● Reading the archives
● Express emotions in art
● Reroute "self-abuse/ endure" into strenuous exercise (weightlifting)
● Keep track of daily victories & gratitude
● Set & pursue healthy self-discipline challenges
● Do good deeds for others that are fitting as penance
● Do personal "works of mercy" for "abusers"/ family

TWO EATING DISORDER "RULES" YOU CAN (WILL) CHALLENGE OVER THE NEXT 2 WEEKS:
1) I DON'T HAVE TO PUSH/ FORCE CALORIES/ EXCHANGES. I CAN eat less & OBEY the LIMITS & BE SATISFIED. I CAN slow down & enjoy the food.
2) I AM ALLOWED AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ENJOY FOOD, AND TO CHOOSE THE FOODS I ENJOY. Eating DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WAR/ TORTURE.

FOR ME, "HEALTHY" MEANS...
✳ LIVING & THINKING AS A SYSTEM
✳ Nourishing my MIND/ HEART/ SOUL with CREATING & LEARNING
✳ Eating regular, reasonable, flexible, balanced, enjoyable meals
✳ Balancing work/ rest, food/ religion, and self/ others
✳ Food is NOT the center of my life, just FUEL for MY PURPOSE

MENTAL HEALTH:
● NIGHTLY SYSTEM JOURNALING/ CONVERSATIONS/ MEDITATIONS
● Gratitude journaling & "personality surveys" to "know myself"
● DAILY creative output, even just a few lines of ideas or poetry
● Engage in "coping skills" regularly to stay stable & enrich life

PHYSICAL HEALTH (THAT ISN'T FOOD/ EXERCISE):
● Start a better hygiene routine; shower at least twice weekly
● Set & keep to a regular sleep schedule
● Let myself rest & take breaks to recover from high exertion days
● Wear clean clothes, keep living space tidy, & DUST THE HOUSE!

HEALTH OF RELATIONSHIPS:
● Call dad & text brothers at least once a week; keep talking to mom
● Spend time in the apartments' communal spaces & meet the neighbors
● Finally get involved in the Tumblr F/O community & share the LOVE
● Get involved in the local creative & queer communities

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:
● Self-expression through playing an instrument, emphasis on "play"
● Listen to cathartic music/ watch a cathartic movie
● Let yourself LAUGH! Make Tumblr/ Youtube collections to have accessible
● Journal about GRATITUDE/ BLESSINGS/ POSITIVE thoughts DAILY

SPIRITUAL HEALTH:
● Go to daily Mass & at least 30m of Adoration
● Daily Scripture study/ reading for ≥1 hour
● Attend "recreational" church events to join in Christian fellowship
● TALK to God more often & pray with JOY, not rigidity

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SELF-SABOTAGING CYCLE=

1) PERFECTIONIST DEMANDS (NO MISTAKES/ ERRORS/ SINS, EVER)
2) FEAR OF FAILURE (EITHER "good or bad" = failure is DAMNING)
3) SELF-CRITICISM (brutal cursing, swearing, self-abuse)
4) LOSS OF CONFIDENCE (feel unable to do/ be good; worthless)
5) ANXIETY & DEPRESSION (moral panic & despair)
6) PROCRASTINATION (fear of joy; it "feeds the monster")
7) PASSIVE AGGRESSION ("boiling over" only outlet for inner torment)

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How would you define self-sabotaging?
✳ Considering myself "unworthy/ undeserving" of mercy/ reward/ help/ health/ rest/ joy/ etc. because of something stupid/ foolish/ unwise/ careless/ ignorant/ selfish/ idiotic/ etc. that I did, and as a result, actively undermining/ preventing/ sabotaging/ eliminating/ rejecting/ crushing/ etc. ALL possible positive outcomes or situations out of punishment/ payback/ penance/ self-hatred/ etc.
✳ This mindset HAS NO CAPACITY FOR COMPASSION OR CHARITY, and therefore INVALIDATES its own (devilish) opinions. IT ISN'T TRUTH!!

What are some of your self-sabotaging behaviors?
✳ Not letting myself do/ choose/ have things that I enjoy/ that give me peace
✳ Verbally insulting & cursing myself whenever I do something stupid/ foolish
✳ Physically abusing myself (eating disorder) to "incapacitate" myself & cause lasting pain/ permanent damage
✳ Destroying records of past accomplishments/ growth/ healing/ progress
✳ Destroying personal items that were cherished/ valued, out of shame/ hatred
✳ Dwelling on personal faults/ vices/ failures/ unsolved problems, causing despair
✳ Refusing to care for my body, mind, heart, & soul, "pushing it to harmful limits" (denying such limits exist)

How do your self-sabotaging behaviors impact your well-being and life?
✳ Poor personal hygiene, no sleep, malnutrition, wasting, chronic pain
✳ Always wanting to either weep forever OR scream & destroy everything
✳ No self-esteem, abandon all ambition, feel worthless/ useless, despondent
✳ Loss of sense of self/ history/ values/ preferences/ etc. due to destruction
✳ Inability to relate to/ interact with others without "infecting" them too
✳ No hope/ vision of future, distract from the present, deny/ suppress the past

Why do you think you self-sabotage?
Deep down I think it's because I see my "moral status" as EITHER "ALL good" OR "ALL evil". When I make a stupid decision or fail to choose the edifying option or otherwise act in a way contrary to virtue, ESPECIALLY LOVE & WISDOM, I immediately label myself as "FALLEN FROM GRACE," and my awful instinct is to PUNISH/ CRUSH/ DESTROY/ DO VIOLENCE TO THE EVIL TO "PURGE IT FROM OUR MIDST." I believe on some level that "ONLY VIOLENCE CAN RESTORE ME TO GRACE/ FORGIVENESS" = RESTITUTION MUST BE PAID IN BLOOD. I see this even as an ACT OF LOVE, NOT "SABOTAGE," because "I AM EVIL" and the ONLY thing being "sabotaged" IS THE EVIL WITHIN ME, by FORCE.

Are there any particular self-sabotaging patterns that you can recognize?
✳ PERFECTIONISM, as explained above. I struggle to accept "mistakes/ missteps" because I DON'T SEE THEM AS "INNOCENT/ ACCIDENTAL", but as MORTAL SINS??? For some reason I'm EITHER a "moral absolute perfectionist," OR DESPAIR over that crushes me to MORAL NUMBNESS?? "IF EVERYTHING I DO is a SIN, why even TRY to do otherwise?" And THAT is SERIOUS SABOTAGE, because it STOPS JOY at the ROOT!
✳ PROCRASTINATION, because EVEN THOUGH I WANT to do these good/ helpful/ creative things, I FEAR "DOING IT WRONG" = SINFULLY?? Do I fear CORRUPTING that good that way? Like, if I try and "fail," will it NEVER BE "GOOD" AGAIN? Is procrastination "PROTECTING" those "pure" ideals/ hopes from "ME"??

What can you do differently?
✳ GIVE MYSELF GRACE. GOD DOES. ACCEPT IT. (YOUR NATURE ISN'T EVIL!!!)
✳ SCRIPTURE DISPROVES YOUR ABSOLUTISM. NO ONE IN THE BIBLE, OR HUMAN HISTORY-- besides Jesus & Mary, the NEW Adam & Eve, FOR YOUR SAKE-- WERE SINLESS. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS SINNED & MADE MISTAKES & DONE STUPID THINGS. GOD STILL GETS THOSE PEOPLE TO HEAVEN. YOU ARE NOT "DAMNED" JUST BECAUSE YOU STUMBLED IN WEAKNESS. VIOLENCE CANNOT HEAL YOU. THE CROSS CAN, BECAUSE IT ABSORBS AND TRANSMUTES IT. But the CROSS is LOVE & MERCY & FORGIVENESS. Carry THAT!!!

How can you reward yourself?
✳"For WHAT?" For NOT sabotaging? For ACTUALLY & FINALLY choosing to show MERCY & FORGIVENESS & COMPASSION & TENDERNESS & PATIENCE & GENTLENESS to myself? In a very real way, that virtuous response IS "reward" enough. BUT, if we want to extend the definition to a "REINFORCEMENT OF THE VIRTUE" in the FORM of a "GIFT," that would simply be ALLOWING AND ENABLING ourself TO do the things that give us REAL JOY, AND CONTRIBUTE TO/ ARE IN CONGRUENCE WITH our VALUES & THE GOOD THINGS OTHERS SAY ABOUT US. Fight hate with LOVE & dark with LIGHT. Seriously just JUMP HEADFIRST into BEAUTY & WONDER & GOODNESS whenever sabotaging temptations appear. GOD ALWAYS WINS.

What coping skills can you put in place so that you have a backup plan when things get tough?
✳ READ SCRIPTURE. Make a LIST of the ACTUAL VERSES (not numbers) to READ & so REALIZE THE TRUTH when the lies of sabotage try to drag you down to hell.
✳ TALK TO THE SYSTEM/ READ THE ARCHIVES. There is PROFOUND LOVE & HONEST TRUTH in BOTH, & GOD USES US AS CHANNELS OF HIS GRACE TO OURSELVES. Trust me, the System will ALWAYS stop self-sabotage because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
✳ "DISTRACT" & "REDIRECT." STOP the cycle with IMMEDIATE exposure to a System/ League song/ image/ writing that COMMUNICATES TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS. Remember that GOD BROUGHT THAT INTO EXISTENCE THROUGH YOU. DON'T SABOTAGE HIS PURPOSES!!!

Reflection:
To "sabotage yourself," you MUST be, on some level, DISSOCIATED from yourself. You ARE a CREATION of God, MADE GOOD, and that may be "broken" but it's NOT LOST OR RUINED. That's why God ALSO made you His CHILD, pouring HIS GRACE BACK INTO YOUR HEART to be YOURS FOREVER. Just DON'T REJECT IT!!! SABOTAGE TRIES TO, because it SHUTS OUT LOVE. As long as you RESIST the hate, THERE'S HOPE. PRAY FOR GOD'S HELP & HE WILL HELP YOU!! He LOVES YOU!! And when you FULLY REALIZE & ACCEPT that FACT (as much as mortals can), you will NEVER be fooled by self-sabotage again, because LOVE CHANGES YOU FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER!! ♥ (TRUTH = LOVE)

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SELF-SABOTAGE QUIZ

NEGATIVE RESPONSES:
Your feelings about yourself are dependent on situational factors.
"SOCIAL MODE"; MORAL PANIC; "my life is WORTHLESS unless OTHERS approve/ want me"

You measure your self-worth by your accomplishments.
"APPEASEMENT"/ "SLAVE"; "uselessness" = "don't deserve to exist"

You have always been told that risk-taking is dangerous & the world is a scary place.
Mom & grandma DRILLED this into our childbrain to disturbing extents = TAUGHT to "expect the worst outcome" in every situation (catastrophe seen as inevitable)

You have grown up around an anxious person who always seemed nervous & worried about things.
Grandma's OCD "doom predictions," Mom's panic over "loss of control"

When you were young, an important adult in your life could never accomplish their goals and that used to discourage their future efforts.
MOM'S "ABANDONED DREAMS" & EMPTY "PROMISES" ABOUT THEM; also extended to her empty "promises" to US?? (e.g. "forgotten" presents & events, the endless list of "one day" and "when this happens" etc. that NEVER panned out; we learned very fast to not want things OR to expect desired good things TO happen at ALL)

You like to correct other when they make a mistake or when they are wrong, no matter how small it might be.
Intolerant of slip-ups with self, EXTERNALIZED; "rigid rules" = ORDER/ SENSE (CONTROLLED; "PROPER") (this is MORAL PRIDE!!)


POSITIVE RESPONSES:
You can list 5 things you like about yourself.
Hopeful, determined to do better, sense of wonder, genuine want/ ability to love, creative vision & talents

You know who you are and understand your morals/ values/ beliefs (identity).
The Archives are actually a BEAUTIFUL TESTAMENT to this, as ironic as it may seem. WE know who WE are. 

When you compare yourself to others, you believe you have the capacity to achieve similar things.
I believe that if I truly want it (what they have/ have done), then it's worth giving it a shot! The rest is in GOD'S Hands, not mine!

You admit your faults and can easily admit when you are wrong.
This is a weird one. I CAN and DO point out where I screw up, even to others. IRONICALLY I'm terrified that it's ABSOLUTE; "damning myself" to NEVER be "right". So this is 50/50. It's one of my biggest struggles.

NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR):
● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume
● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow
● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance
● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK)
● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses
● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance?
● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph

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We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria?
✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT.
✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!

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✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!

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✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'RE FREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.

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✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!

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✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE had to go through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.


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What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately?
● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.

What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now?
● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUT I'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud?
● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYS LIFE.
✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!

What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now?
● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.

So I tried double french toast today & THAT was LOVELY, but I made ONE BIG ERROR and THAT was DOUBLE SYRUP. Dude I feel SO SICK right now, haha. I HAVE LEARNED. Honestly that's how I need to view this. ALSO, the TIMING. The centers of the french toast are GORGEOUSLY SOFT but the CRUSTS are CHEWY & although delicious they are almost IMPOSSIBLE to cut without a knife (which we don't get), and THAT effort is TAKING WAY TOO MUCH TIME... we should TAKE THE CRUSTS OFF, WHILE the bread is still uncut & not syruped. That way we SAVE TIME. But we must be strategic when we're so constrained for time; we had to LITERALLY CHOKE DOWN our ENTIRE MEAL TODAY because of waiting in line & HOW LONG IT TOOK TO PREP. Still, DON'T GRUMBLE! We LEARNED what works & figured out a better strategy, AND learned that WE DON'T LIKE ALL THIS SUGAR & so we DON'T HAVE TO FORCE IT!!
IN OTHER NEWS bananas taste BETTER when they're GREENER & we LIKE them that way & also COLD. They also DON'T TASTE "the way we expected"?? I think we were used to the overly yellow taste of overripe bananas, which we're NOT a fan of. So this discernment is good!
Lastly, we apparently like coffee better WITHOUT CREAM & SUGAR? We seem to lean savory. That's cool to discern, actually! We're "DISCOVERING" OUR UNIQUE PREFERENCES, which WILL reveal to me NEW & INTERESTING symbolic insights into my DISPOSITION & VALUES as well.

✳AFTER LN = the VOLUME of my meals is TOO HIGH and it's because I KEEP PUSHING VEGETABLES. I feel like I'm "making a BIG MISTAKE/ doing something "WRONG"/ against my values"? if I DON'T INCLUDE ALL THE VEGETABLES EXCHANGES IN MY MEALPLAN. That is FORCING the extra bulk & time of a salad, PLUS it FORCES MORE LIPIDS with the dressing, and it's not helping anyone. It's an ugly cycle. BUT I'M INTERNALIZING ALL THE "HEALTH TALK" again. Like, if I DON'T have a salad WITH the "UNHEALTHY" sides like chips & ice cream, then I'm "REFUSING TO BE HEALTHY." And that terrifies me, because I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY ANYMORE. Ironically, the REAL "unhealthy" behavior is OVEREATING EXCHANGES. I'm ALSO doing this at BK because SUDDENLY I feel "compelled" to have 2x EGGS PLUS COTTAGE CHEESE, and that's WITH the 4CHO requirement, AND 2 FRUITS. It's FAR too much. ...but I'm compensating. I'm pushing protein because I'm terrified of all the carbs, like that'll somehow "even things out." It's NOT. I am getting SO SICK but I'M STUCK until TUESDAY with the locked-in mealplan. That's 4 MORE DAYS of FORCEFEEDING HELL. This is also a huge fear for "IOP" recovery. I DON'T WANT TO BE DISOBEDIENT or "REBELLIOUS" or "UNCOOPERATIVE," but if the INSIST that I KEEP FORCING DOWN these MONSTROUS amounts of food, I WILL QUIT. I CANNOT keep ABUSING BOTH my BODY AND MY MIND by LITERALLY "NORMALIZING OVEREATING/ BINGEING" JUST BECAUSE "THE DOCTORS TOLD ME TO." For once in my life I WANT TO SAY "NO"!!! I WANT TO PROTECT THIS BODY FROM ABUSE & TORTURE. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT WITH COMPASSION & PATIENCE & KINDNESS & MERCY. I AM SO SICK OF BEING SICK. I NEED, NOT JUST WANT BUT LITERALLY NEED, TO LIVE A FULL LIFE, and if this bloody mealplan is going to KEEP FORCING ME TO "CENTER MY LIFE ON FOOD," then I WILL KICK IT TO THE CURB. I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS GODFORSAKEN COMPULSIVE-OBSESSION AND THIS RIGID "EXCHANGE SYSTEM" IS ONLY PERPETUATING IT. Listen man when you GIVE ME NUMBERS, I WILL OBSESS OVER THEM. The trick is to give me the "RIGHT" numbers-- which, for me, were a GENERAL calorie count, APPROXIMATE macros, and a KITCHEN SCALE, so that I'm NOT OVEREATING!! I'm rambling and I apologize. I feel trapped & sick & scared. I'm disgusted by ALL THIS FOOD I'M BEING "FORCED" TO EAT. God knows I WISH I could just NOT eat 100% if doing so would TRIGGER THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET & REINFORCE the cursed thing, because THAT'S WHAT IT'S DOING, INESCAPABLY. I'm here FOR BINGE-EATING and I WANT TO QUIT IT FOREVER SO STOP FORCING ME TO KEEP DOING IT UNDER THE LABEL OF "TREATMENT"!!! ...I'm hoping I get discharged soon JUST so this will STOP. If I'm stuck here then I NEED to talk to the nutritionist about altering my mealplan, WITHOUT sounding like I'm "chickening out of recovery" OR "being restrictive." God help me I'm struggling with this so much. IRONICALLY if I could just CUT OUT THE EXTRA EXCHANGES I MIGHT be okay. That's SOME hope at least. Even if it FEELS cowardly, I MIGHT have to determine a FIXED BK MENU that's LOW VOLUME & LOW SUGAR... that could work. But please, CUT THE VOLUME!!! For lunch, though, we NEED to solve the salad issue. HAVE ONE A DAY, with 1LPD dressing! You're NOT "OBLIGATED" to have EVERY vegetable! CONSIDER THEIR FIBER CONTENT/ TIME TO EAT. Do NOT add extra lipids! While we're here we HAVE TO THINK STRATEGICALLY, BUT for a DIFFERENT goal: NOT "doing everything" BUT "STOPPING THE BINGES"!!!

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LET'S TALK RECOVERY DETAILS. Most importantly, I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN. I do NOT EVER WANT TO OVEREAT AGAIN. I DON'T EVER WANT TO HURT OR ABUSE OR NEGLECT OR TORTURE THIS POOR BODY AGAIN. That is the FOUNDATION here. The next immediate point is our NEW SIZE & SHAPE. We're "THICKER" now, like a FORTRESS. We have SUBSTANCE & LATENT STRENGTH. There IS the POTENTIAL to FINALLY BECOME STRONG, now that our body has the RAW MATERIAL to WORK WITH. The question we must pause & clarify in asking is: WHY do we VALUE physical strength so much? Answer: we want to be CAPABLE, of HELPING & PROTECTING others. We admittedly "DESPISE/ FEAR" weakness/ helplessness/ impotence/ powerlessness-- being "incapable" or "not strong enough" is TERRIFYING on a deep level. We seem to EQUATE "STRONG" with "GOOD"? If we're WEAK & FRAIL & HELPLESS, we're USELESS, and CAN'T do "ANYTHING GOOD." But there IS a distortion in this. PHYSICAL STRENGTH ISN'T "INHERENTLY" VIRTUOUS. IT'S HOW YOU USE IT: for CHARITY, NOT EGOTISM! But on the flipside, PHYSICAL "WEAKNESS," even INCAPACITATION, ISN'T A HINDRANCE OR BARRIER TO VIRTUE & even SAINTHOOD (remember BACE!), BECAUSE VIRTUE IS SPIRITUALLY BASED & YOU DON'T "HAVE TO BE "USEFUL"" TO BE GOOD. YOU'RE STILL "USEFUL" TO GOD, EVEN IN A TOTALLY BROKEN & HELPLESS BODY. So please, CORRECT YOUR VALUES. Your FEAR is focusing on BRUTE STRENGTH and IF you CAN'T achieve that admittedly hypermasculine ideal, you WILL "despair" UNLESS you SUBORDINATE that LESSER ideal to the HIGHEST one-- HOLINESS. If your "obsession" with "getting buff" ends up HINDERING your spiritual growth, THEN IT NEEDS TO BE TOTALLY RE-EVALUATED & PUT IN ITS PROPER PLACE as a MEANS OF VIRTUE-- discipline, temperance, endurance, persistence; AND even PRAYING/ WORSHIPPING WHILE you exercise!! IT'S THE SAME WITH EATING. Our BiaY/ CiaY routine MUST CONTINUE, and we MUST ALSO see how we can incorporate the ICC in a TIME-WISE manner. BUT DO NOT QUIT.
✳ ...The ONLY concern I have here is MINDFUL EATING & "SPLIT FOCUS." We realistically CANNOT give our FULL, COMPLETE, ATTENTIVE, COMPREHENSIVE FOCUS TO BOTH AT ONCE. We MUST admit this because IT HAS BEEN HAPPENING. Food data isn't registering because ALL our input channels are ATTUNED TO SCRIPTURE, and rightfully so! BUT THAT IS ACTUALLY "FUELING" THE EATING DISORDER BY THE SPLITTING! We CANNOT be mindful of the food AND THEREBY OFFER IT AS A SACRIFICE OF PRAISE IF WE'RE UNABLE TO GIVE THAT EFFORT OF WORSHIP OUR SINCERE & TOTAL FOCUS as well. MATTHEW 6:24 effectively. It's DISRESPECTFUL to BOTH GIFTS OF GOD, BY "PUTTING THEM INTO COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER"!! FOOD IS NOT THE "ENEMY" OF PRAYER & WORSHIP. SO PLEASE, STOP ACTING LIKE IT "CANNOT" SERVE HIM, AS WORSHIP ON ITS OWN. BE SINGLE-HEARTED FOR GOD AS YOU ARE SINGLE-FOCUSED ON BEING FULLY IN EACH UNIQUE MOMENT OF LIFE AS ITS OWN UNIQUE PRAYER TO HIM.

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"WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?" (TRUTH TO LIVE)
Others might have NEGATIVE beliefs about me ("you are a betrayer" "you don't want to improve" etc.) BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- AND SHOULDN'T-- INTERNALIZE THEM!! HAVE FAITH IN THE GRACE OF YOUR BAPTISM AND THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO LIVES IN YOU & ALWAYS WORKS TO SANCTIFY YOU!! When you BELIEVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF & STRIVE TO EMBODY THEM, YOU'RE HONORING GOD!!

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WELL! Talking to a fellow patient about my "too many exchanges" mealplan anxiety, & how I'm actively obsessing & anxiously debating over "how to fix it/ TAKE BACK my decisions", I realized something. I CAN'T KEEP "PANICKING" ABOUT "MESSING UP" TO THE POINT OF OVERCOMPENSATING THROUGH "CHOOSING EVERY OPTION" (what I WAS doing on the mealplan), OR TO THE POINT OF "NOT COMMITTING TO ANYTHING," being "TOO AFRAID OF MAKING A MISTAKE." And honestly, I HATE BEING SO SPINELESS & IRRESPONSIBLE & COWARDLY. I NEED TO COMMIT TO ONE CHOICE, IN CONFIDENCE THAT I'M HONESTLY CHOOSING AS WISELY AS I AM ABLE TO AT THAT TIME, AND THEN ACCEPT HUMBLY THAT IT NEVERTHELESS MIGHT NOT BE "AS WISE AS I THOUGHT/ HOPED," BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING AND I WILL MAKE MISTAKES & REAL ERRORS IN MY JUDGMENTS. THIS IS INEVITABLE. I'M NOT GOD. I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY CHOICES, AS DISAPPOINTING/ DISTRESSING AS THEY MAY BE; I MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE LESSONS THEY DO TEACH ME IN PRUDENCE & DISCERNMENT; AND I MUST PLACE THEM ENTIRELY IN GOD'S HANDS, REALIZING THAT HE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, AND HE CAN AND WILL TURN EVERY PAINFUL OR SCARY OR OTHERWISE UNHAPPY CONSEQUENCE OF MY CHOICES TO HIS GLORY AND MY GOOD, WHEN I SURRENDER THEM ENTIRELY TO HIS POWER IN TOTAL LOVING TRUST. And THAT is how I WILL survive until Tuesday-- on SHEER FAITH & HOPE. I MUST learn to sit with poor decisions on my part, to let the HUMBLE me & TEACH me to choose BETTER, INSTEAD of always "flipflopping" between equally NONCOMMITTED "choices." I MUST BE "OKAY" WITH MAKING MISTAKES, because I WILL, & NOT see them as "MORAL FAILURE." I must be MERCIFUL & PATIENT & COMPASSIONATE with myself, OR I WON'T be ABLE to grow in VIRTUE in RESPONSE to the mistake! I MUST OWN UP TO ALL MY DECISIONS & ONLY ALTER THEM if I realize they were VICIOUS-- & even then I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO RESCIND THEM. So I HAVE to BE SPIRITUALLY MATURE & BY GOD'S GRACE, LEARN TO LIVE WITH & LEARN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES.

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Asking Jesus "is it OK if my stomach is/ feels so stuffed/ full?" And He replied, "it's holding My Creation, for YOU to OFFER to me as WORSHIP" (BAPTISMAL PRIESTHOOD)
✳ "YOUR STOMACH IS AN ALTAR"!!!

I think my "defining phrase" is "COURAGEOUS HOPE." It sums up what my HEART feels like-- FIRE AND LIGHT. Today I realized that I KNOW WHO I AM, in TRUTH, not just "as God's child" in general fact BUT in WHAT THAT MEANS. I am CALLED TO BE A SAINT. I am GIFTED with a UNIQUE PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION, & "RESONANCE"; I have been GIFTED with UNIQUE TALENTS, ABILITIES, & PREFERENCES; I have been GIFTED with a UNIQUE MIND, SOUL, HEART, AND BODY, and placed in the EXACT TIME & PLACE & SOCIETY & CULTURE & FAMILY & NEIGHBORHOOD & CIRCUMSTANCES, with the NECESSARY HISTORY even, TO USE ALL THOSE GIFTS AS A FAITHFUL GOOD STEWARD TO ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM & "ADD" TO HIS RICHES & BRING HIM GLORY & JOY. That is WHAT HE CALLS ME TO. And so I CANNOT STAND IDLE. I CANNOT HIDE/ BURY/ DENY/ THESE GIFTS AND I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE A GOOD SOLDIER/ CHILD/ STEWARD/ BELOVED OF GOD. I want ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE WORSHIP. THAT'S MY PURPOSE. THAT'S MY JOY. And as COURAGEOUS HOPE, I SET MY SIGHTS ON GOD-- I ORIENT ALL OF ME TO ETERNITY, TO MY TRUE HOME & FAMILY IN HEAVEN, and I MARCH ON WITH A JOYOUSLY BURNING HEART. God gave me a WILL, and I DEVOTE IT TO MAKING MY WHOLE SELF A LIVING SACRIFICE OF LOVE. IN HOPE I REFUSE to give up or give in to worldly despair; "the things that are UNSEEN are ETERNAL". In COURAGE I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BY GOD'S GRACE, WEARING HIS ARMOR, TRUSTING IN HIS VICTORY-- CHRIST HAS CONQUERED DEATH!! LOVE HAS ALREADY WON. AND I BELONG TO LOVE. SO I CAN BE COURAGEOUSLY HOPEFUL!

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Talking to Dr. P, I think the HOLY SPIRIT legit witnessed to HIS purposes & hopes for us THROUGH our responses, because they just poured out of our heart. We said that, during treatment, we've GOTTEN FACTS to COMBAT & CONQUER the demons of despair/ doubt/ fear/ cowardice/ negativity, through HEARING words of SUPPORT & COMPASSION & FAITH from BOTH peers & staff, and I HAVE to have FAITH in THEM, too, TRUSTING them & WITNESSING TO that trust BY CULTIVATING THOSE VIRTUES further, which is ONLY POSSIBLE through LOVING SURRENDER/ COOPERATION WITH CHRIST, WHO IS HELPING ME & WANTS ME TO THRIVE & LIVE & GLORIFY HIM BY FULLY FLOURISHING. And I MUST DO THIS IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN-- AS A SYSTEM OF LOVE. We CAN do this TOGETHER. That brings us to point 2-- we CANNOT BASE OUR EMOTIONS/ HOPE/ etc. ON THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. True, we MUST do our best AND seek to edify others BY our good behavior/ example, because we WANT to be HONORABLE & a TRUE WITNESS TO CHRIST, but by that SAME baptized token we MUST ALSO HAVE CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ HOPE "FOR OURSELVES." WE MUST CHOOSE truth/ beauty/ goodness FOR OURSELF, for OUR CREATOR'S SAKE, even if NO ONE ELSE does. WE HAVE "THE SPIRIT OF LOVE & COURAGE & SELF-CONTROL." We CAN, and we WILL, STAY RECOVERED. We must DEDICATE ourselves to LIFE & CHARITY every day, a POSITIVE focus, WHILE STILL REMEMBERING "THE PIT GOD SAVED US FROM." NO TOXIC POSITIVITY!! We are a WHOLE! Our WOUNDS can be HOLY! But LIVE FROM A SPACE OF HOPE. LIVE FOR ETERNITY. Don't worry about passing worldly things. GOD HAS SET US FREE TO WORSHIP HIM! And YOUR NEW LIFE, turned OUTWARDS IN COMMUNION (not inwards in egotism), IS A PRAYER.

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WHY AM I STILL MINIBINGEING ON CONDIMENTS. The HIGHEST mealplan only requires 5 per meal, & sometimes I'm getting up to 9. THAT'S INSANE. STOP. I don't even LIKE the tastes at this point; I WANT TO ENJOY SIMPLE FOOD, AS-IS, NO ADULTERATIONS, NO "DROWNING/ MASKING" THE PLAIN TRUTH with EXCESS that is honestly FORCED & COMPULSIVE. And I realize WHY I'm doing it-- it's TWOFOLD: first, the old "I HAVE to know what EVERYTHING tastes like" (WHICH, BTW, we will have SUCCEEDED AT as of THURSDAY with dressing & packet options) AND the fearful "NEED" to KEEP pushing/ trying them "UNTIL I 100% LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM" (which is FOOLISH as well as RIGID? It's giving the message that "I'm NOT ALLOWED to DISLIKE ANYTHING" which CRUSHES my UNIQUE TASTES (personality resonance) AND implies that I believe (DISTORTED) that "not liking" a food/ flavor/ texture experience means I'M HATEFUL/ REJECTING GOD BY JUDGING HIS CREATION/ DEVALUING & DISDAINING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT = "disliking" ANYTHING that OTHERS like" means that I'm ATTACKING/ ERASING THEM??? It's seen as an ACT OF VIOLENCE & INGRATITUDE; "driving a wedge" between ME & COMMUNION WITH CREATION & HUMAN CULTURE; "if I DON'T like it, then I'll NEVER "be close to/ COMMUNE with" those who DO" = "SELF MERGING" & "DENIAL of OWN tastes" as INVALID/ EVIL); and SECOND, I ONLY forcepush them WHEN THERE'S A FOOD ITEM THAT I'M AFRAID OF CHOKING ON/ AFRAID I WON'T "BE ABLE" TO EAT IT "FAST ENOUGH" PLAIN. And BOTH of those are BINGE MINDSETS. We HAVE TO FIGHT & RESIST THAT NOW, WHILE WE'RE AT WAR WITH IT IN REALTIME!! THAT'S where VICTORY is won-- ON THE ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD. God has given us a HUGE OPPORTUNITY. And we MUST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE! From now on, we HAVE to FIGHT by ONLY choosing the REQUIRED amount of lipid exchanges, and NOT "SLUSHING" OUR FOOD "IN ORDER TO EAT IT FASTER." YOU'RE DISHONORING THE FOOD (GOD'S GIFT), REJECTING ITS TRUTH, HABITUATING YOURSELF TO BOTH MAKING & EATING SLOP, GETTING ADDICTED TO A HIGH FAT DIET, AND SETTING A VERY BAD & DISREPUTABLE EXAMPLE for your fellow patients. SERIOUSLY. When they see YOU condiment-bingeing, then THEY are TEMPTED to do the SAME, & also FEEL LESS ASHAMED OF IT, which is OUTRIGHT SCANDAL. ROMANS 14:15 & 20!!! YOU ARE LEADING PEOPLE INTO SIN. SO YOU MUST STOP, NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
✳ I don't recall the exact details of what we ordered this week, but we STILL made some stupid choices, and we HAVE to OWN UP to our addictive behavior, ADMIT our weakness, DISCERN & DIVULGE our distorted reasoning, & then COMMIT TO STOPPING THAT BEHAVIOR. Step ONE is WRITING that out. Step TWO is NOT USING EXCESS CONDIMENTS, EVEN if we ORDERED them! QUIT IT ASAP. NO EXCUSES. We HAVE to. I will admit, it IS VERY HARD to NOT eat EVERY CRUMB of what's on our tray, though. THAT, TOO, feels like UNGRATEFUL REJECTION & fills us with ANXIOUS GUILT & SHAME & REGRET. That's a HUGE OVERREACTION. WHAT IS THAT A PROJECTION OF, PRECISELY? = It's seen as BOTH a GIFT and a COMMAND/ ORDER, since it was SET IN FRONT OF US & WE CAN'T "PUT IT BACK." So, if we LEAVE it, we're saying, "I REJECT THIS GIFT/ I REFUSE TO OBEY/ SUBMIT." MAYBE even "I REFUSE TO SUFFER," which at LEAST implies that deep down we RECOGNIZE that this IS HARMFUL & UNHEALTHY & we DON'T WANT TO HURT/ ABUSE OURSELF WITH EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR ANYMORE. So DON'T. You know what DOES honor God? OBEYING the REAL mealplan, RESISTING binge compulsions, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, & DISCIPLINING OUR WILL so we can FREELY CHOOSE VIRTUE.

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I keep hearing other patients complain & gripe & grimace about our meals & mealplans, voicing sharp dislike & REFUSAL to comply/ cooperate, and... it's actually making me feel really depressed/ anxious? Like, "am I doing something WRONG or FOOLISH or CONDEMNABLE BY obeying the plans, pushing myself even further, & LIKING the food?" If I'm ACTUALLY eating the required lipids-- even if just margarine & mayonnaise-- and I'm ACTUALLY eating the required snacks-- even if just poptarts & cookies-- am I doing something WRONG? Am I STILL "abusing my body" by eating fats & sweets if I'm LEGIT OBLIGATED TO AS PART OF RECOVERY TREATMENT?? If the WHOLE ROOM is gagging at a certain entree on the menu and I CHOOSE IT & EAT IT & ENJOY IT, am I being foolish? They'll CONGRATULATE me for it, saying "you're so strong," "how difficult was it?" "I don't know how you do it," "good job! You made it through!" etc. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOME HERCULEAN EFFORT. I just DECIDED to eat the "intimidating" option & DECIDED to enjoy it & COMMITTED TO 100% AND I DID. WHY would that be difficult or a struggle or something I had to "grit my teeth & power through"? Is THAT what THEY do? ...That's heartbreaking. I don't know if I've EVER experienced that-- EXCEPT for the CHOCOLATE MILK SUICIDE of UPMC. Man. Is it THAT HARD for them, EVERY TIME? ...I NEED to show more compassion. It's just such an instinctual response to label it as "COWARDICE/ CHICKENING OUT" & "ATTACK" it out of ANGER, which is WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. ...gosh is THAT BACKFIRING & ACTUALLY ALSO FUELING THE CONDIMENT FORCING?? My instinct, when I detect "hesitance/ fear" over a choice/ decision in myself, is to "BEAT MYSELF UP" ("hit the whiny child") and FORCE myself TO do it, ALMOST OUT OF CRUELTY, EVEN IF I KNOW IT'S A REASONABLE FEAR & DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That VIOLENT "I HATE COWARDS" response IS SO STRONG. Ironically, it's ALSO IN CONFLICT WITH ITSELF. "I'm afraid of eating that food because the other patients say it'll cause serious disease & harm my body" COEXISTS with "I'm GOING to eat that food BECAUSE it scares me for some reason." So I "CAN'T SAY NO," EVEN to REAL RISK, because THAT'S "CHICKENING OUT"? "EAT that because you were TOLD to" vs. "REFUSE it because it's UNHEALTHY." I'm tired. I'm writing too fast & not thinking. The point: I'm terrified that I'm damning myself BY my obedience. Our body HAS gotten very fat/ swollen/ bloated, & we're in constant pain & discomfort. This is a cross, but is it ALSO the "sign that we're making a stupid decision" & ACTUALLY "killing our body" BY eating the food we're being TOLD to eat? OR is THAT the POINT of the cross-- RESTITUTION for the eating disorder, SUFFERING as HUMBLING PENANCE? And will this PASS, & suddenly leave us TRULY WHOLE & HEALTHY TO LIVE FULLY & FREELY FOR GOD? ...Why does eating STILL feel like it's an obstacle? AM I eating too much? Still? Am I actually STILL SINNING by eating "all this food" "WITHOUT DISCRETION" & even eating "luxury" foods? Am I suffering as PUNISHMENT for GLUTTONY & IMPRUDENCE & INTEMPERANCE even now, in recovery, allegedly, and in obedience? I should talk to staff about this. I'm afraid that if I'm discharged with this mindset of "you HAVE to eat HYPERCLEAN foods or it's STUPID & SUICIDAL" AND "your fatty & bloated body is VISIBLE MANIFESTATION/ PROOF of your CARNAL INSATIABILITY & UNSPIRITUAL DISPOSITION & UGLY GREEDY LUST." Like thin = holy. Like skeletal = pure. But I WAS DYING. And I was WASTING GOD'S GIFTS, INCLUDING MY LIFE. ...CAN I STILL LIVE A GOOD LIFE IF I'M FAT? Isn't eating this much just an "acceptable (medically) perpetuation OF the eating disorder??" THAT'S the HARDEST part of recovery treatment here. The food is RUSHED and it IS often "junk food" & I HAVE to eat it amidst SATANIC TV NOISE & constant table chatter, unable to "ground/ center" & SLOW DOWN & FOCUS ONLY ON GOD. ...It's a BINGE ENVIRONMENT. And I do NOT WANT TO GET ACCUSTOMED TO THIS... OR LET THIS DISTRESS MOTIVATE ME TO RESTRICT AGAIN in a desperate attempt to "REVERSE THE DAMAGE & START OVER." ...and I DO ALREADY WANT TO. That "fear of being POISONED" is sadly lingering. I BELIEVE that if I RUSH through a meal, DISTRACTED & DISSOCIATED & DISTURBED, unable to eat mindfully & express wonder & gratitude in realtime, then I'm "EATING THE STRESS" & "SWALLOWING THE ENVIRONMENT" & being SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY CORRUPTED BY IT.
✳ IT'S THE "MEL" TERROR. Remember, how when I got back home from SLC, I LITERALLY FELT & BELIEVED that ALL that "SCARY ANGRY YELLOW SCREAMING ENERGY" was BEING STORED IN MY STOMACH FAT, because THAT'S where "WHAT I HAD TO EAT/ SWALLOW" WENT, & it was ALL THE TERROR OF SLC AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF ME OR IT WOULD "TURN ME INTO THEM" and KILL ME as an ultimate result. I'M AFRAID OF THAT HAPPENING AGAIN NOW. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THOSE EVIL, EVIL TELEVISION SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THE ATTITUDES OF THE OTHER PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR "WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ DISLIKE/ SARCASM/ BITTERNESS/ FEAR/ SPINELESSNESS/ ETC." AND THAT'S CRUEL OF ME TO SAY BUT THEY TALK ABOUT FOOD SO DISTORTEDLY & JUDGMENTALLY & IT HURTS AND I DON'T WANT THAT IN ME JUST BECAUSE IT KEEPS GOING INTO MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EARS AS I EAT. God I am SO TIRED. Please, please, help me to be kind. Help me NOT to judge. Help me to HAVE MERCY, WITHOUT "APPROVING" THOSE ATTITUDES, IN OTHERS OR MYSELF. Please, God, I'm BEGGING You, PLEASE DON'T LET ME SWALLOW SIN & EVIL. Matthew 15:11 & 17-18. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. DON'T LET ME CORRUPT IT. GIVE ME A NEW, CLEAN, PURE HEART SO I DON'T POISON MYSELF AND THE FOOD & EVERYONE ELSE. God, PLEASE help me enjoy the meals. PLEASE, I'm begging you again, I know it's stupid & selfish & carnal & evil but oh God please. I WANT to enjoy & treasure the food AS YOURS, as YOUR Creation & Gift, for YOUR SAKE. ...please God, please let me enjoy this food. I'm so sorry for what I did wrong, whatever it is. Please show me clearly, & then PLEASE help me & LET me do the needed penance & restitution for it so I CAN enjoy the food at last... IF that's not a sin in & of itself. Lord I'm a tangled mess right now. I just want SO BADLY to EAT HOW & LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. And deep down I KNOW THAT'S "EDEN." EATING ISN'T EVIL, & ENJOYING FOOD ISN'T A SIN-- OTHERWISE HEAVEN WOULDN'T BE A FEAST. (of RICH FARE!!) & YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN, IN PERFECT LOVE & WISDOM, TO GIVE YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE TO US, THROUGH EATING, IN THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST. You DELIGHT in feeding us, even here in this fallen world. It's MEANT to be JOY. LET IT BE THAT.

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Our group assignment is to THINK OF/ DISCERN statements/ phrases we will LIKELY HEAR upon being SEEN at a higher weight/ upon meeting people who STILL SEE US AS THE EATING DISORDER; i.e. who "HAVE NO FAITH OR HOPE IN US." And THAT response is what HURTS the MOST & elicits a kneejerk WOUNDED ANGER/ MOURNING response. We feel TRAPPED. And really, WE SHOULD EXPRESS EXACTLY THAT. Be CONFIDENT in OURSELF, WITH GOD'S CONSTANT HELP. By golly THAT'S what we should say! BRING GOD ACTIVELY INTO IT. Let them KNOW that it's NOT "JUST ME," in BOTH senses ideally! BE SHOCKINGLY HONEST FROM HERE ON OUT. And KEEP your HEART OPEN & GENTLE. Wear that cloak!
✳ "Body comments" CAN be accepted easily & gratefully IF YOU'RE WILLING TO RECEIVE THEM AS COMPLIMENTS! When KIND & POSITIVE words are offered, DO NOT NEGATE THEM! TRUST that person's kindness! STAY IN THE LIGHT! EMBRACE the HOPE of a NEW & COMPASSIONATE perspective-- one FREE OF DISTORTION & SELFISHNESS. When others say "you look good/ healthy/ so much better/ beautiful/ FEMININE" etc., GRATEFULLY ACCEPT & AFFIRM THAT CHARITY. IT'S FROM GOD. MOVE INTO THAT NEW SPACE OF FREEDOM & JOY; DON'T FIGHT/ REJECT IT LIKE A DEVIL! THANK them SINCERELY and enter into GENUINE CELEBRATORY DIALOGUE. SHARE THIS NEW HAPPINESS. It's TRUTH!! It's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL!! Your thinness & eating disorder were the result of ABUSE & HATE & FEAR & SELFISHNESS & LIES & CRUELTY & DEATH. LEAVE THAT AND DISOWN IT. YOU HAVE BEEN "CREATED ANEW!" GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A "NEW BODY," FULL OF LIFE & HOPE! So CHERISH IT & LEARN HOW BY RECEIVING THAT GRATEFUL "INSTRUCTION" FROM OTHERS' LOVE!
✳ The HARDEST comments to handle are the NEGATIVE ones-- "make sure you don't relapse"; "how soon until you go right back to how you were?" "you better not mess up this time," etc. FIGHT DARK WITH LIGHT. These are OPPORTUNITIES to STAND UP FOR TRUTH & GOODNESS, & BRING THE OTHER PERSON WITH YOU!! Respond with PATIENT KINDNESS & PEACE. Speak with HOPE & FAITH in GOD'S GRACE TO KEEP YOU IN RECOVERY, & WITNESS TO THAT. Even if they STILL don't trust YOU, affirm CONFIDENTLY & LOVINGLY that YOUR TRUST IS IN GOD, & THEIRS SHOULD BE, TOO. ASK THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU! REDIRECT their thoughts TO hope & faith! Deep down, they just FEAR a relapse. (NEGATIVE comments express a HIDDEN CARE; they DO WANT YOU TO BE WELL, but focus on the RISKS)

✳Some "FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE" foods I MUST face with LOVE to be HEALED/ FREE =
1) APPLESAUCE= see next pageturn.
2) FRUIT CUP(S)= see next pageturn.
3) POPCORN= vague childhood TV terror. CNC & SLC cinema. UNEXPECTEDLY TERRIFYING??? Also "DIRTY HANDS." GRANDPA CLOSET FILTH. +Halloween? Boy Scount sales?
4) NUTRIGRAIN= CNC & grandpa's closet.
5) RITZ= old binge food, often STALE/RANCID. Also "belong to mom" (with her cheeses)? Fear of being punished for eating them
6) OATMEAL RAISIN= something about the taste feels so wrong. "fruit + grain" unnatural fusion? tastes like garbled data to our brain. +They turn to SLUDGE when you eat them.
7) OATS & HONEY BAR= Filthy crumbles. Typically stale/rancid. Feels like eating garbage scrap, not real food.
8) PIZZA= too many bad situation memories
9) BACON= CNC trauma

✳TRIGGERS put you into FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN!!!


"FEAR" FOODS are ACTIVELY tied to TRAUMA and/or seen as an IMMINENT DEATH RISK.
● BACON is BOTH; I fear that eating pig is morally fatal (OT laws & symbolism); if I eat it then I will BECOME a pig. I also fear that it's "unhealthy," which has NO "wiggle room"; if I eat it I WILL have clogged arteries & I CAN'T "UNDO IT" or "take it back." It's PERMANENT DAMAGE. There is NO MERCY with food fears!! It's ABSOLUTE, IRREVOCABLE, & ultimately FATAL. But the worst fear here IS the "IDENTITY CORRUPTION" through "CHOOSING" to CONSUME it; it's DIRECTLY TIED to SXABUSE. if I "let the pig in," it will TAKE OVER & DEVOUR ME like a PARASITE and "I" WON'T EXIST ANYMORE-- or worse, if I DO, it'll be like having a YEERK.
● BACON is ALSO historically tied to SXABUSE EVENTS, so FLASHBACKS OCCUR INEVITABLY. Preparation CAN slightly assuage this by triggering different memories (like mom making it at home), BUT the very "FACT" of bacon consumption HAPPENED at "THOSE TIMES" is undeniable & CANNOT BE TURNED OFF.
● PIGS in general are frightening MORALLY, because I see them SYMBOLICALLY. They represent, & "therefore MANIFEST," FILTH, UNCLEANLINESS, GLUTTONY, BOORISHNESS? They're "ANIMALISTIC" in the sense of "TOTAL DEPRAVITY," plump & mud-caked, rolling in filth & digging their face INTO it in ORDER to eat, snorting & oinking & squealing, stinking horribly, laying inert & sated in the mud, & looking "suggestive" with their pink, taut, round, FAT (plump) bodies, hairy & dirty & fleshy. They "look like the filth of sex." The food/ eating is SECONDARY, almost an OUTGROWTH. The MAIN horror about pigs is SEX & FILTH. They just "PROJECT/ INFLICT" that ONTO eating, because EATING, ALWAYS, IN & OF ITSELF, IS "SEXUAL." It's inherently "erotic." (Discuss that LATER) So PIGS are ABHORRENT & SCANDALOUS, BECAUSE they are so FILTHY WITH FOOD WHILE BEING SO "ANIMALISTICALLY SEXUAL." They're DEHUMANIZING in totality & so IF I EAT ONE, I'M TAKING THAT INTO ME AND IT BECOMES MY BODY, which therefore DEHUMANIZES ME AND I CAN'T "TAKE IT BACK/ GET IT OUT." (THE ONLY HOPE IS TO PURGE)
✳MATTHEW 15:11 & 17-20!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD AND HEART! Study it extensively if you have to, but THE PIG CANNOT "MAKE YOU EVIL"!!!
● Last trauma we haven't discussed= ham is what I associate with grandma's death AND MY FAILURE TO BE THERE FOR HER ON THAT LAST EASTER, because HAM is what I ate that "SET OFF" THAT FATAL BINGE THAT LANDED ME IN THE E.R. & TOOK ME FROM HER. But... look at Matthew again. You're SHIFTING BLAME. YOU BINGED ON HAM.The PIG didn't sin OR cause YOU to! It COULD have been OFFERED to GOD as a JOYFUL CELEBRATION of LIFE like Easter "feasts" are SUPPOSED to. BUT even that WORD is "evil" & disgusting & I HATE it. WHY. = it's because in my mind/ experience, "feasts" are ALWAYS gluttonous, & eating "too much" is PUNISHED EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT OR WERE JUST THAT HUNGRY OR WERE EATING IN GRATITUDE. "Feast" means you are WATCHED & SUSPECTED & CRITICIZED & SHAMED & PUNISHED & even RATIONED. The "joy" is FORCIBLY LIMITED & therefore HOLLOW. There's NO ABUNDANCE.
● Weirdly but DIRECTLY & VITALLY RELATED is actually the GRINCH story. I hated it as a kid because the Whos were PORTRAYED & DESCRIBED as GENUINELY GOOD & NICE & FRIENDLY, and so when THEY feasted it WAS JOYFUL & GRATEFUL & ABUNDANT, & they ate as TRUE FAMILY in FRIENDSHIP together... but I had no comprehension of that as a kid. It "looked" hypocritical & performative to me because THAT'S ALL I KNEW. And I felt like the Grinch, who I ALSO "hated" AS A RESULT because he was described as UTTERLY GROSS & REPREHENSIBLE, and if "he was LIKE ME," then THAT HORRID SONG WAS ABOUT ME. And I heard the WHOS singing it, like I heard my family. And that DISSONANCE was intolerable. There they were, happy & FEASTING, yet SINGING ABOUT HOW UGLY I WAS & how they DETESTED ME & wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, WHILE SMILING & EATING, and I was outside in the cold, unwanted & unwelcome & HUNGRY for not just food but LOVE & COMMUNITY & MERCY & WELCOME, but they were FEASTING on it & although THERE WAS PLENTY TO SHARE WITH ME, TOO, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE FED. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THEM & THEIR LIFE. I'm unlovable. I'm inherently undesirable and I'm filthy. And that MAKES you a "grinch." It also means eating scraps of garbage & that becoming YOUR "normal."


✳God GAVE me PORK CARNITAS for lunch IMMEDIATELY after I wrote that ↑ & they were WONDERFUL! NO FEAR!! Which SHOCKED me. PORK is SAFE?? Ham & bacon AREN'T? At least in theory.
+ ADDING to this, God ALSO gave us APPLESAUCE... and similarly it was only "half triggering" & in DIFFERENT WAYS that I DIDN'T THEORIZE?? It also WASN'T SCARY, just a challenge. The SCARY/ DISTURBING part was the TEXTURE, & having to eat it with a spoon. It's the MESS, the SLOP, the LACK OF STRUCTURE/ FORM?? And spoons are TOTALLY chaotic, haha. There's NO SOLIDITY. But THAT'S a question = I'm aware of & dealing with the sticky/ crumbs/ spills/ etc. struggles, but the TEXTURE & FORMLESSNESS? Where is THAT rooted? Wait are they BOTH related to CHILDHOOD??? Is it tied to fear of PUNISHMENT for BEING MESSY? It also feels like "ROT" fear, like leaving food out on the counter or in the refrigerator for so long that it DOES turn to mush/ slop, and you STILL HAVE TO EAT IT?? Also, some part of me DOESN'T RECOGNIZE "LIQUIDS" AS FOOD. "Firm" things like jello & pudding don't count UNTIL/ UNLESS they start to MELT. Then the "degradation" fear happens. It's SO disturbing. And yet I don't think soup does this! Is it the WATERY NATURE that makes it safe? That seems legit actually. This concept might be "instinctive disgust" then, related to fear of eating rotten/ spoiled/ rancid food. ALSO the DENATURING. Juice in a cup is SO far removed from the reality of a fruit that it triggers some sort of kneejerk revulsion. My brain doesn't register ultraprocessed "food" as edible at ALL when that fact is apparent. And BTW YOU ARE NOT "OBLIGATED" TO FORCE-EAT THOSE FOODS AFTER DISCHARGE!! You SHOULD be choosing WHOLE FOODS to ACTUALLY FEED & NOURISH your poor body at last! Yes you CAN have something a bit processed when you eat out with mom, or when it would be MORE PRUDENT TO eat such food in a pinch or social situation; those foods ARE ALLOWED STILL; they CAN STILL BE OFFERED TO GOD IN GRATEFUL PRAISE, & they AREN'T "EVIL" OR "UNCLEAN"! You CAN worship God BY eating a bag of chips & fastfood sandwich IF you are doing so WITH the HONEST INTENTION to NOURISH YOUR BODY the BEST YOU CAN in that situation, ESPECIALLY if the EDIFICATION OF/ COMMUNION WITH OTHERS IS INVOLVED, and to DO ALL OF IT FOR GOD'S GLORY, WITH LOVE & THANKS & PRAISE FOR THE GIFT OF FOOD & LIFE & HEALING. Live FOR ETERNITY, even right now!


✳ WHY is there still so much AVERSION, perhaps a deeper FEAR, towards FRUIT FLAVORS? and fruit CUPS & JUICE?? Is this fear as applicable to those SAME fruits when FRESH? Why or why not? WHAT is CAUSING this distinction? IS IT GLOBAL or PARTICULAR?
1) Putting ANYTHING in one of those PLASTIC CUPS for "SNACKS" feels DEGRADING?? Like a "stripping of dignity." Does it make me feel like an animal? What about TEXTURE? Because APPLESAUCE isn't just "scary," it feels almost DEHUMANIZING. Like if I eat it, I'm placed in a position BELOW the dignity/ respect/ rights of a "real/ normal" person??? Is that because of the "processed/ artificialized/ denatured" aspect of ROBBING the FORM from the food & putting the resulting mush in a plastic cup? mass processed & utterly detached from TRUTH & nature as it was CREATED? and making ME eat THAT is DAMNING MY BODY/ SOUL/ FORM to the SAME???

All right, let’s try to type about this somehow.


Right around Pascha of this year, according to our food diary, specifically the first week of April, our diet changed. We cut out eggs because we tested positive on three different occasions for an allergy, and needed to find a new protein source. We tried cheese, but it triggered migraines and vomiting. Then for some reason we also started eating lettuce, cauliflower, cucumbers, and raisins? I’m assuming we were told to try FODMAP again. Regardless, the food diary is marked with symptoms of intense nausea and confusion and body twitches and vomiting. We ended up in the emergency room on the 6^th. We had to reintroduce eggs for a time but the photos indicate this was the “bean pasta week” which was hell. We could not stop throwing up. Sweet potatoes did the same. We cut both out quickly and went back to the normal pre-April diet, but now the diary is peppered with purgation records. Our calories hovered between 800 and 1100 tops. Then around April 26^th, green beans appear in the record, with the return of cucumbers, and now zucchini as well. I know this was also doctor’s orders. It went well for two days, and then the purging started again-- notably, because I remember getting unbelievably nauseous on a regular basis from the food. By May we had cut out broccoli completely and were now eating just those three other green vegetables, with some attempts at bok choy. It looks like we brought the broccoli back in mid-May and the purging stopped for a while.
May 23^rd was the gastric emptying study with the eggs and toast. After that our diet went completely back to normal again, no more zucchini cucumber hell. It also looks like this is when we definitively quit the Three Wishes cereal, and realized that’s what had been causing our intense abdominal bloating and constipation.
June began and on the 3^rd suddenly BOTH oat bran and hemp hearts reappear in the diet, and eggs disappear for good by the 9th. June 8^th was the MU women’s retreat day. There’s still some on and off purging, almost always after dinner-- we were eating three bags of broccoli for carbs and the sheer volume would set it off. We also started weighing our food by this time. Our daily calories increase to 1100 by July.
July 28^th is the colonoscopy prep period with the rice and green beans and babyfood turkey. This was a very difficult week psychologically and it set the stage for later compulsive binges.
I need to check the calendar to see how many we had over this time period, because sometimes we forget to list them in the food diary. All I know for sure is that there was a terrific spike in August, as I know that over half the days were binge-purge days, even if we just binged on broccoli.

So we’re struggling now. The cycle has gotten a grip around our throat and it is so difficult to stop. Even though our daily calories have gone up from ~900 in April to about 1400 in September-- a HUGE increase-- thanks to eating such a deficit for months, our weight is hovering around 90lbs and we still admittedly want it to drop lower. On good mornings, when we step on the scale, it’s 88lbs.
But the point is this. We want to stop bingeing and purging. We know it’s a sin. We also know it’s an addiction. We want to stop, but God help us we don’t want to stop either. We’re so bloody hungry. It’s nowhere near what it was like in North Carolina, or even up at the old house with grandma, that is true-- we were out of control back then, ravenous and destructive, insatiable and desperate. We didn’t know God back then. That’s what changed.
Now, we’re still starving, but…

It hit me today that we’re constantly angry. We’re miserable and exhausted and terrified. The OCD compulsions we used to have around the time the Julie days began, notably spitting and handwashing due to “contamination fear,” have returned for the first time in over a decade at the least. They’re debilitating. What triggered this? The feelings of shame and guilt and filth and evil are unbearable. It all feels tied to eating. Is it because our conscience is working again now? Is it because we know we’re sinning at least twice a week now, bingeing and purging, starving and stuffing this poor wrecked body, and although God knows we want to quit He also must know we’re so bloody hungry? What do we do?

We have a new nutritionist now, a male, a couple years younger than us. He’s actually accepting of our limitations and is willing to work with them-- when we told him dairy inevitably makes us uncontrollably vomit, he actually said “okay, then we won’t eat dairy,” which shocked us as we’re so used to being told to just eat it regardless and take a Zofran or something, which doesn’t help. The only trouble is this: he’s still giving us dietary recommendations, in order to increase our weight and fix our nutrient macros, and this triggers Iscah’s kneejerk “must be a good girl” food compulsions which means we KEEP forcing ourselves to “try eating normal people foods” even if they hurt, even if they make us sick, in order to be “good” and obedient and self-effacing. It’s just perpetuating the binge-purge hell loops. It feels like there is no end, no way out, until we CAN “do it.” So the forcing keeps happening until “one day we won’t get sick anymore.” But what if that never happens? We forced those bloody eggs for months, knowing we tested positive for an allergy but not taking it seriously until it was double confirmed, in the meantime just taking Benadryl twice a day and “getting used to” the hives and burning eyes and dizziness and runny noses. But the point is it wasn’t going away. No matter how much we forced, it couldn’t change the actual consequences. Same with the green beans, and the cheese, and the bean pasta. No matter how many attempts we made, we kept puking, because the nausea and stomach distress was so bad. We tried so hard, we really did. At what point is it “right” to “accept” the “fact” that maybe we “can’t” eat those foods? Right now we’re “not allowed to” even suggest such a thought. It’s “wrong.” It’s “evil” and “bad” and “disobedient.” You were told to eat that food, so you eat it, no matter how you feel, and one day you won’t feel anything anymore. Isn’t that “how it works”?
I’m typing all this out and it is just… exactly parallel to sexual abuse. No one is surprised.
It must be translating as this. We have no working memory of the abuse so our psyche must be funneling it into the food, because they’re practically the same thing in the end.

We’re not getting very far with most of our therapists with this. We’re seeing four of them right now, plus a psychiatrist and a case manager. Of them all, only one therapist is making real progress and thank God for her-- literally, I think the only reason why we’re getting somewhere there is because she is Christian and makes that an ACTIVE and PROMINENT part of our treatment, which is AMAZING and makes the whole process make so much more sense. But she and we are focusing on childhood trauma, which is hugely significant and deeply disturbing to be honest… you don’t realize how many bad seeds were planted back then, until you start tracing the rotten roots.
But… when will we ever get to discuss and heal from adult trauma? Will we have to one day actually, finally, honestly discuss the Julie Days with a therapist? How?

Right now, we’re haunted by food. That’s blinding us to everything else. The sense of shame and sin is devastating. We cannot escape it. It’s every waking moment. We’re haunted and hungry and horrified and hateful, which is an awful way to live, but honestly “we” despise “ourself” so much right now for this eating disorder, we wish we could just turn it off.
But we’re so hungry.
THAT’S the bizarre obstacle here. Something-- someone for sure-- in our psyche is resisting healing, in a sense refusing to “give up” bingeing because she’s so scared that if she does, she will starve to death. WHY. We’re getting 1400 calories a day now! We’re eating food, even if we don’t want to; we’re being obedient and accountable to the authorities that told us to eat! We’re a “good girl” in that sense, aren’t we? So why are we so miserable? Why do we still feel like no matter what we’re eating, we’re never satisfied? We’re always hollow and empty and want to cry. Even with binges, we hate them-- the only thing “enjoyable” about them is the ridiculously ritualistic and systematic and methodical hours that they involve, all the cooking and sorting and picking and ordering and cleaning. What is this doing for our mind that we “need”? What need is this trying to meet, however disastrously and misguidedly?

Another obstacle to healing is a recent and massive spike in daily anxiety and panic attacks. We weren’t like this back in July, I don’t think. Were we? I don’t know.
Back when Anxiety herself first appeared in June, at long last, I remember we were already promising ourself to “never binge again” after certain dates. We genuinely tried so hard to just cold-turkey quit, over and over and over. But all the travel, all the doctors, the consistent lack of sleep, the recurring financial crises, it just… some nights we would just be so exhausted and hungry and overstressed that we would just give up and give in. 7pm breakfast means you don’t even try to keep it down, so you might as well eat ten bags of broccoli so your body is tricked into thinking it ate something worthwhile. You get the idea.

It’s been so hard to “obey” the “rules” about food too. Someone started arbitrarily breaking them and now we can’t seem to stop again. They got a taste of the forbidden fruit and promptly became addicted, even it it tasted disgusting, even if they didn’t actually want it-- but they “HAD to want it”; they “HAD to try it again” for whatever reason.
I don’t understand it. What are they trying to prove? What answers are they trying to get? What end goal are they pursuing here? What is their actual motivation? Why can’t they just quit eating the foods we aren’t allowed to eat? Why are they so scared to let go again? What is the fear underlying all of this?

There’s so much music we can’t listen to anymore because music is always, always powerfully tied to “life eras”, however brief. We get flashbacks to them immediately and it can be terrifying. So much of this year’s music is tied to small periods of eating disorder wars, certain “food cycles” even if they only lasted for a few days, and even specific days that were psychologically harrowing enough to latch onto whatever music we had heard that day.
We haven’t listened to any new music in weeks, really. I think it’s a desperate coping mechanism. We’re trying so hard to escape from this hell; it’s better if there isn’t any future soundtrack tied to it. That way it won’t be remembered.

Right now, after weeks of grueling battles, the addiction has been pared down to the weirdly specific combination of beans+rice+oats+carrots, and chocolate chip granola bars. It’s so weird. But that’s it. Everything else is lingering around the edges, but the more rules we put up around them, and/or the more fear is tied to them, the easier it is to resist them.
Still. Chocolate is the oldest forbidden food. It’s a “sex food,” an abuse food, with real trauma tied to it. Granola is a “sworn off” food for penitential reasons. So why are “chocolate granola bars” allowed right now? ARE they? Or is someone just spitting hairs, like they do with everything else that’s edible?
In any case, I pray this ends soon. Chocolate is still so frightening it’s making me shake just thinking about it now. Maybe it’s the fact that granola bars have such tiny bits of chocolate in them that it “doesn’t register” as chocolate. But WHY are we “wanting” to eat them anyway? Granola bars themselves are a MASSIVE trauma food! You remember the bathroom events! What the heck are we trying to prove here? How did this even start? I hope it ends soon. It inevitably will, we just need the data and the consequences solid. Once its emptiness is tangible, it’ll stop.

Why are we so “hungry.”
If we just quit this all at once, if we stopped eating oats and beans and rice, why do “we” “fear” that it would “make us miserable”? That’s a blatant untruth. We’re MUCH happier when we’re NOT bingeing and purging. But… there is a fear of some sort of “loss.” So what is being mistranslated? What are we actually afraid of losing?
Additionally, why do we feel like we “HAVE to binge” on stress days? Why can’t we just fast? We WANT to, God knows-- so why won’t we? What is this fear that keeps coming up, this fear of not eating, even though we still really and consciously “hate” eating on any given day?

That’s the root of it, I think. If I had to point my finger at something that really felt like a siren going off, that would be it. We HATE eating. There is actual HATRED towards food. And yet, simultaneously, we are so hungry. We “want” to eat our carrots and hempseed and broccoli. But it’s unfulfilling and empty and frustrating and leaves us anxious and angry and wanting to cry and throw up.
What do we actually “want”? If we hate food, and we hate eating, then what are we actually looking for in our compulsive frightened “I have to eat” panic-- especially since we still want to starve?
The ambivalence is driving us insane. We have no clear answers yet.
Don’t forget all of this is still somehow tied to abuse and violation. We’re going to have to face that knot at
some point. Until we start to untangle that, we probably won’t get anywhere on the surface.

All the ICC lectures lately have been indispensable. They are literally rewiring our brain and our heart. Make sure you remember and study and pray about and reflect upon everything they’ve taught us.
But… don’t get crushed under the weight of guilt they deliver, either. Guilt is a sign that your conscience is working. Don’t shut it off. But don’t despair, either. God is walking you through these steps. You NEED to know WHERE and HOW you’re going wrong before you can fix it, and we COULDN’T know this spiritual side of it on our own, only through this revelation. So treasure it, take it seriously, and act on it with God’s grace. But… realistically we can’t expect to “fix this” overnight, or in one shot. We’re most likely going to struggle still. This is spiritual warfare after all. But do not despair. Don’t give up. Don’t try to pretend this is easy, or that we truly understand, or anything else the thriskefoni like to do. We have to be sober and realistic about this. No sugarcoating, no whitewashing. This is indeed hell we’re stuck in. But Christ keeps reaching down to us and dragging us out every time we fall back into this bloody open grave. Don’t give up. Keep reaching up to Him.
He doesn’t hate you because sometimes you think this grave is your doom. Sometimes we think this is all there is and we don’t fight very well at all. Sometimes we get comfortable and we settle in a little. But Christ never hates you. He never gives up on you. Don’t give up on Him. He’s not trying to crush you with this knowledge, He’s giving you sharp graces that will strengthen you to fight better. Trust Him. You’ve been praying for this.
What I’m trying to say is… we’ve been convicted so powerfully it feels like we’ve been stabbed in the chest. We’re afraid we’re going to die, forever, if we cannot or do not put that knowledge into practice immediately and perfectly. Is that pride? The fear is intense. I don’t want to choose hell. I’m so afraid of damnation because I’m too damn weak to give up eating rice and beans on Tuesday nights. Isn’t that asinine? What the heck is actually going on here?
Christ, please, don’t let me go to hell because I’m currently not strong enough to really, definitively say “no” to these hungry compulsions.

It’s terrifying, to KNOW that I’ve “already decided” to binge on Tuesday night. I don’t want to, but I “want to.” There’s a “have to” in there somewhere, concerning the “practice eating” to “get used to” certain foods and meals that we “have to” eat. Et cetera. Vomiting is inevitable at some point, so might as well force it now and get it over with-- it’s better to control its occasion than to be blindsided by it. Isn’t that sad?
There’s so much fear. It’s enough to make you want to give up on living. It feels like there’s no escape.
But that’s not God’s Spirit. Where is our fortitude? Or rather, what battle do we ACTUALLY need to fight here? What would fortitude look like in practice here? What would REAL justice be in this situation? What is ACTUALLY wise? How can we be prudent in TRUTH?

God I’m exhausted, please forgive me, I want to sleep. Tomorrow is church. I’m so tired. I do want to worship. Help us to do that, no matter what. Don’t ever lose us.
The Eucharist is the key to everything, somehow. Please don’t send us to hell. Help us understand, truly. Help us to not be afraid. Heal us somehow. Help us to let You heal us. Please, don’t give up on us. Get us to heaven one day, no matter what. But please, please don’t kill us in the meantime. Don’t let us end up dead because of our stupidity. Please help us. Open our eyes. Give us the grace to WANT to act healthily. Please. Restore our capacity for joy. I don’t know what I’m trying to ask but You do. Deep down somewhere we feel so dead that it’s hard to even want to be healthy, even though we do, because being healthy means having no broken coping mechanisms which means facing whatever they’re trying to numb and I don’t think we can handle facing that gravestone reality. Heal THAT, Lord, please. There are so many layers here. Still, You can fix it all. I know You can. Please do so, moment by moment, in Your good time, in Your real love. Don’t let us die in our weakness and sins. Please heal us for good, for real, gently but permanently. Please don’t hurt us. Please help us. Help us to love You more completely, and help us to not be afraid of Your love. Amen.

I’ve got to sleep. Thank You God for helping us to have at least typed something tonight. We’ll do more tomorrow hopefully. Until then, please bless and forgive and protect and heal us. May we be transformed day by day into Your likeness. May we be remade new in Your image, and may we never sin again. Amen. Good night.

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
WE SANG SIX ENTIRE MASSES BOYYYYYYY

When people tell me I have a talent for singing, and I DENY it, saying "no, I'm not very good," or the like, THAT'S PRIDE!!!!!
I'm effectively saying, "I won't consider this a gift UNTIL I'm spectacular!" THAT'S ARROGANT. God HAS given you a gift, however unusual it is shaped, however small it may be, and because its from HIM its PERFECT FOR YOU EXACTLY AS IT IS, because guess what else? IT'S GIVEN IN ORDER TO BE USED FOR HIS GLORY. SO HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IS NEEDED TO DO THAT. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR EGO.


House E.D. relapse
EVERY TIME I GO UP THERE I HAVE A MELTDOWN OF SOME SORT.
ESPECIALLY ON HOLIDAYS.
It's spiritual warfare.
I prayed so hard for help. I begged God to do something with this, to not ruin Christmas with my sin.
And actually, I feel sick & tired & scared & wrecked, with no hope but Jesus. And I'm clinging to Him.
Somehow this is more Christmas than any gifts or food could ever be.

It's the last half hour of the day, our only free time, and i'm insane for not sitting down and actually resting but i need to type. i need to type. if i don't it will just perpetuate the problem.

We have turned prayer into an addiction.

I don't know how to type about this, coherently. in my head it works.
you know what, stop trying to be formal. stop trying to pander to an invisible audience. just list the problems.
- we spend 3+ hours a day in prayer and 3+ hours "faithpasting." it's utterly exhausting. yes we love God but this is draining all our reserves?? what are we doing wrong??
- we are so tired. all the time. mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, we're EXHAUSTED, often to the point of weeping. we don't get to rest. we get ONE HOUR at the end of the day, if we're lucky, to collapse on the couch and cry from the pain & fatigue and basically just crash into unconsciousness until we have to do it all over again tomorrow. no breaks. no brakes.
- we are running away from our identity. we are denying our own existence. our sense of self is totally shut down.
- we spend ALL our "silent time" in prayer and THAT IS A CRUTCH. it is NOT HEALTHY. the instant we have ANY "free time" we PANIC and start to pray again, and although it's mentally justified as "using our time prudently" really dude you are RUNNING FROM SELF-AWARENESS.
- we can't feel anything but bitter numb exhaustion weeping confusion anger, UNTIL HEADSPACE KICKS IN.
- this obsessive praying is specifically trying to erase headspace entirely
- we have stopped writing. we have stopped drawing, composing music, reading books, dreaming, imagining, et cetera, because it's "all garbage compared to Christ" but dude DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIM???
- we are literally burying our talents six feet deep and claiming it's "God's will," that "they were a trick designed to see if we were brave enough TO bury them" but honestly it's just an excuse. it's an excuse to not feel our conscience nagging us about abandoning everything but prayer
- whoever the heck is spending all day in "prayer" DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE.

that's our dilemma.

oh of course we love God. but there's this bizarre and deeply distressing disconnect still. the thriskefoni either are afraid of God or they view Jesus like a fangirl. there's no personal closeness because those foni REJECT INDIVIDUALITY. anything that might let us in is VIOLENTLY DISREGARDED.


and right now we're listening to "sandım ki" again and i want to sob because i love everyone in here so much,
can we reconcile that with our religion?
are we allowed to exist and love each other? or is that a sin?
if we're all going to be destroyed when the body dies anyway, if no one is going to survive, if nothing is going to survive-- no art, no music, no writing, no hopes, no dreams, no memories, nothing-- nothing is going to survive, there's only going to be God. everything except Him will be annihilated forever. that's how it works. we have to be stripped completely, emptied out, made hollow and naked and helpless, with absolutely nothing to comfort or console us. just God.
...and then what?
He's supposed to "fill us with Himself" but we... we keep forgetting that God is Love and therefore that is a good thing, whatever He gives us in recompense will be infinitely better than whatever was destroyed because God is Love, He can only give Love,

i don't know what to do, what to think,
are we really all doomed to die?

i feel so guilty and filthy and dirty and wrong even thinking about love now
isn't that ironic.
when you "love God" all other love seems disgusting
that can't be right.
but the shame is unbearable


Not much happened today.
Last night nearly killed us from exhaustion. We couldn't get any extra sleep, we barely got seven hours. Our morning was busier than usual. Everything blurs together. Our mind just feels numb and rushed and constantly in a panic, "never praying enough," "never good enough," et cetera.
But. for some reason we ended up listening to Karen Clark Sheard on the drive to Mass and Knife loves that kind of music, it's adorable,
but the point is we could feel headspace and EVERY time we do our heart wakes up
and then the thriskefoni completely & angrily stomp it out

while we were saying the wall prayers tonight, we absentmindedly moved to rub some of the bloody-rough skin on our winter hands,
and, the action itself and the hands, the different harsh skin, the gentle gesture directly tied to it,
for a split second our tired brain literally thought it was laurie consoling us,
and we felt our heart just break and we nearly cried,
and then the thriskefoni shut it down
as usual

i'm so tired of not having any relationships anymore
i'm so tired of not being able to talk or think or feel or laugh or love anymore
everything is just prayer prayer prayer prayer hurry up pray more the world's gonna end if you don't pray you will die etc.

our OCD is really bad lately too. it's driving laurie up the wall.
we've noticed it's focusing on the body, on "cleanliness," just like fulton sheen said, it's the compulsive washing and scrubbing that can never get the "stain" out, as it were. it's all a physical rerouting of guilt. we did this as a child, too. we'll literally walk out of the bathroom then immediately turn around, go back in and repeat the loop helplessly, wanting to cry from feeling so trapped and powerless and terrified, the body feels so filthy and wrong, something is very wrong, YOU are wrong, it's your sin, your evil, your GUILT, if you sit down and feel dirty well then you're going to hell. it's a nightmare. we can't shut it off.
and of course the whole time we're repeating ritualized prayers with the same driving mindset
"if you say one word wrong, if you are distracted for even a second, you have to say the whole thing over," "you have to kiss the pictures on the wall a specific number of times in the way they tell you to or else you don't really love them," "you have to say these exact prayers in this exact order or else the whole thing is meaningless because you're shirking orders and insisting on your own way," etc.


i keep feeling infinitii around the edges. that's not hir name anymore, i know. but they're still just barely perceptible
the thriskefoni are terrified of hir. they hate hir but won't show it. but i can feel it, roiling beneath their emotionless facade like poison lava
i want hir back. i really do. ze is necessary for the health and proper function of my soul, and for healing trauma, and for feeling emotion at all. i know this.
i'm being mocked and jeered at for talking about hir, virtually spit at in hate
but i cannot be ashamed. i can't. i know ze loves God more than those pharisaical foni ever have or will or even can.
at least i hope so
am i being blasphemous
i'm sorry
no stop listen. you aren't lying. you aren't trying to be pretentious. you have seen infi in a church. you know how ze adores the Eucharist, how ze is able to forgive with a depth of sincerity you cannot fathom without hir. you know how ze loves, and how that love was taken advantage of by those who didn't know that love is God.
ze wants to heal, too. infi wants a new name and a new role and maybe even a new face as much as God allows and decrees, whatever happens, infi wants to be free of that evil history, free of the corruption, free of the sins and shadows, so ze can help you do the same. you are both supposed to draw closer to God together. that's the whole point, that's her real reason for existing, you know that too,

ten minutes. i need to get to bed.

here's our problem:
our prayer life is not genuine right now. not as long as it is tangled up in the OCD. and especially not as long as it is also being used specifically to run away from everything else in life.
to claim "religion is all that matters" to the point of refusing to be a person is not going to help you "have a relationship with God" and honestly, that is the BIG THING MISSING in this whole obsessive prayer ritual thing. we're just repeating words. we're not talking TO God. we're not even letting ourself have time alone to LISTEN because "God forbid," ironically, "that we have free time that isn't full of prayer!!" DEFINE PRAYER, PLEASE, because all the panicked recitation YOU'RE doing hardly counts at this point.

i'm sorry. i'm just so upset, so pained, so brokenhearted,
i want us to be A SYSTEM again, and STILL BE RELIGIOUS,
God knows we WERE, i know we were in the past, even if we did get lost and struggle many times, we still loved God and never stopped trying to draw closer to Him.
now what? now this stagnancy masquerading as piety?
if we've made any progress it's not through your obsessive faithpasting, it's through our RESPONSE TO IT,
and now they won't even let us do that,
i'm sorry. i don't want to condemn anyone. i don't want to give up this faith practice, this reading and learning, but, i think we're taking it to unhealthy extremes, it's not about faith anymore it's about that bloody OCD, it's about "i must learn everything," it's becoming an intellectual power grab, we're not internalizing anything, it's just mad hyperpasting like we used to do on Tumblr, we don't remember a bloody thing, we'd be so much better off just typing about God at this point.
"no," they spit, "that doesn't count because it's YOU talking. your opinions don't matter. self-opinion is of the devil. the only thing that can be trusted is church authority, which is NOT YOU."
we never claimed to be authority. we just... want to respond and not just read.
is that really a sin? i'm genuinely scared now

i want to cry and throw up and sleep forever
i'm already shaking again
the moral terror is unbearable. it never stops.


is it a sin to want to spend time with the system?
are we a sin by being a system? is that word evil?
are we evil because we're multiple
are we a sin because we are many people of one soul
it's only supposed to be one?? that one girl, but she's mean, why does she get to stay and nobody else?

are emotions a sin?
is it a sin to want to feel something? to want to cry, and laugh, and wonder, and ache, and love?
is that a sin to want to feel alive and moved and inspired and real?
holiness is detached, holiness is cold like a diamond, no it's not, jesus wasn't cold,
but he never laughed, they say. he never smiled. he cried and was angry. but no "warmth" ironically
something is wrong, our perspective has to be skewed, that can't be right,
God is Love but everyone always taught us that Love showed itself as dispassion, which is even more ironic
but it's so hard to even question
emotions are "sensory" things and therefore sinful, right? they are "of the body"
dude that's gnostic junk don't even go there

listen. we're not in the right mind to type any more about this right now we're too melancholic and distressed
besides it's 10pm buddy we have to get some sleep or else
sundays are burnout days and tomorrow is going to be even busier than usual so go catch some z's

one last thing

i wanted to type about this several days ago and made a note to but never did.
this is the big thing that our moral panic is hinging on, when you get down to it:
we only learned love and virtue through the system and the league.
it sounds blasphemous. it's awful. but it's true.
we learned compassion, and mercy, and hope, and joy, and forgiveness, and love, through the system and the league and GOD PUT IT THERE because our religious upbringing had stripped God of those virtues for the sake of discipline i guess.
but even now, even now, when we read about all the "positive qualities" of God and we have no idea how to understand it,
at least, the thriskefoni don't, go figure,
we can only grasp what God is like by remembering the innerworld.
i'm serious. i want to sob. i'm not lying. we miss it so much.
the other day i couldn't understand God's mercy, i couldn't understand how He could be kind even when i treat Him like garbage,
and i suddenly thought,
well, look at how Laurie loves you,
even after she's seen the absolute worst of you,
she literally carries your wounds up and down her arms,
remember how she sobbed when you died,
that's how God loves you.

and
that just turned the entire world upside down

but it's the truth
it's the absolute truth and i don't know how to deal with it
look at how chaos 0 loves you,
look at how HE looks at you every single night,
look at how he refuses to abandon you even after you've stupidly kicked him out, several times,
look at the past 20 years for heaven's literal sakes
you think God loves you any less than that??
and remember infi,
seriously that's WHY you want her back so badly

think of everyone. everyone.
julie, lynne, leon, scalpel, knife, razor, sugar spice, wreckage, algorith, mulberry, jeremiah, audrey, siobhan, shirley, sirius, penny, mimic, genesis, phlegmoni, xenophon,
everyone who is still missing and blurry and hidden and lost,
all the children, all the protectors & retributors, everyone,
and think of the league!
think of the friendships there, too, think of the love,
there's so much love that it sets my heart on fire,
in the spectrum and the spheres alike

could our life be a prayer too?

god please help us.
we need to sleep it's too late we need to get to bed

but please
keep us close to you
and to each other
please.

if it's possible at all
please let us love each other
and in doing so
let us love you.

Cold tired & dissociated but MADE IT TO MASS!
Still haunted by terrorism thoughts. What if terrorists came into the chapel & gunned us down today? Remembered stories of martyr priests running to guard the Tabernacle with their very bodies, & immediately thought of the verse, "your life is hidden with Christ in God"
I typed that instantly so I wouldn't forget. But I can't grasp the initial revelation now. Pray to recover it & then write it.
I think it was how the Eucharist WAS the Life of those priests? Even if they were murdered, they didn't lose their life, because their Life is CHRIST and He is untouchable & eternal in heaven. Their deaths therefore sent them TO Life.

Saint Bridget prayers= remember we SERIOUSLY want to write heavy reflections on the introductory phrases for each prayer: there are immense depths calling to us.
One hit us new= HIDE ME IN THY WOUNDS, but FROM THY ANGERED FACE!! Staggering. When God "hides His Face" from us in our sin, and justly so, we suffer as a result; BUT BY THE CROSS Christ can now REDEEM even that state by hiding us IN HIS WOUNDS BY OUR SUFFERINGS??? He makes it so that no matter where we are we can still be with God??? WE are the ones whose sins GAVE Him those Wounds, and they are WHY His Face is angrily turned from us in justice, BUT IN HIS MERCY He uses those very Wounds to hide us from His own wrath. It's amazing. That's how much He loves us and wants to save us.


140m prayers, SPOKEN. Shockingly easier & more honest.
No music except Glorious Rosary.
Actually A FEW TEARS at end of Dolors Rosary!! We keep praying for the grace of divine sorrow, for our heart TO weep again, to be ABLE to feel things again.

SO much age-sliding and gender-shifting in the Core identity during prayer: certain selves can feel or think different things. Male vs female, young vs old, CANNOT experience the same way. It's such a distressing fact that we "have to be just one" in normal external life; to do so feels like suicide. It cuts off half of the entire heart, at the very least. Who would that "me" be, so mutilated in emotion & awareness?
"I" only exist in full truth AS PART OF A MULTIPLICITY. I am but one "me" of many, just one color of the rainbow. And when this is EMBRACED and ALLOWED TO FLOURISH, we do so much better; life becomes rich & real & colorful.
...but it's also exhausting, to exist. The lazy "singlet" brain wants it all gone, to not have to feel or remember or dream or anything, just drone through on the outside, a living death.
Our biggest fear is that being multiple is a sin, in and of itself. God please we hope not. But no one ever talks about it in religion, other than in demonic possession, which this IS NOT because demons don't pray and worship Jesus the Lord. But the church doesn't really talk about mental health, let alone innerworlds and all who inhabit them. We still say, not even joking, that if God did decide to miraculously make us a canonized Saint, we would want to be the patron Saint of dissociative (identity) disorders, if not also eating disorders. We've walked those roads firsthand, but God never left us, and if He is willing to bring us even further to heaven, then from there, we want to intercede for the future Church Militant fighting those particular battles. It would be such a joy, such an honor, but even morseso it would be such an act of fraternal love. And we do want that, if we may be so bold as to admit it, although humbly pressing our face to the ground and insisting But Thy Will Alone Be Done, Lord. We surrender to Your Good Will And Purposes either way. Just getting to heaven would be (will be, oh we hope!!) enough of a stunning miracle to merit our infinite gratitude forever; we dare not ask for anything more... but we cannot but plead for anything less.


BK prep quieter than usual. Laurie said that if God wants her to go away in order for Him to save me, then she will gladly leave. The heartbreak and joy were both synonymous in her saying that. Me too.
Everyone else agreed with her. We hope it won't come to that-- we all love God together and want to help each other grow in faith-- but we are still one collective soul. If we HAVE to sacrifice that for the greater good of God, especially in order to sacrifice our body's life for those around us physically, then we repeat, Thy Will Be Done. Please give us the grace to surrender completely to it.

Evening =
1845 PHONE CALL FROM MOM, IT'S JUST A CYST, IT'S NOT CANCER, OH THANK YOU GOD!!!

6pm PANIC ATTACK SLAMMED INTO US AGAIN. What the heck is causing this EVERY NIGHT? And it's accompanied with a "flee for your life" response; we feel frighteningly rushed, like there's a tornado bearing down on us and if we don't evacuate ASAP we're going to die. WHAT IS THIS. It's impending doom, yeah, but RUSHING towards us and SCREAMING. We feel the countdown timer in our lungs. We're shaking like a leaf and can't breathe.
Is this a trauma response to the twilight? We feel like "something TERRIBLE is GOING to happen once the sun sets." PLUS OUR "WARM" CLOTHES MAKE IT WORSE-- LONG SLEEVES & PANTS DRAMATICALLY EXACERBATE THE SYMPTOMS???? Short sleeves, and shorts, despite the cold, cause INSTANT DRAMATIC RELIEF.
This makes NO SENSE. Not yet at least. God help us with this please; we cannot function like this.

 

Church
Paul talk
Got overwhelmed, miserable. Socializing messes me up

Unbearably nervous over unscheduled repairmen visit. No idea when they'll show up. Can't even think straight from anxiety. Literally CRYING & SHAKING from the unpredictability.
BEGGING Jesus & Mary to have mercy on me & send them up soon. Terrified that they won't, because they want me to suffer more. Still... remember that even if they DO, it's for your highest good. It's NOT out of spite or sadism. If you must carry this cross even longer, it will benefit your soul that much more.
Still... I'm so hungry and scared. I'm weak and dizzy. I feel so helpless & vulnerable it's terrible. God please have mercy on me, give me strength to bear this, PLEASE send them up soon it's been FOUR HOURS.

...FIVE HOURS and I give up.

I'm thinking of Lazarus in the tomb. I have to. It's the only way to properly understand this. "Jesus loved them, THEREFORE He waited."

...oh my gosh. I just clicked the kid's devotional and it's Joshua 1:9.
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/36709?orientation=portrait&utm_content=STORY_CLIP&utm_medium=SHARE&utm_source=YVAPP
That is... that is exactly my day today. That is amazing.
I'm overwhelmed, scared, confused, frustrated, miserable... I'm powerless and weak and foolish.
But... God has COMMANDED me to be STRONG AND BRAVE,  THROUGH HIS SPIRIT Who LIVES IN ME.
...I can do that, with His help. I can pick my head up, and smile even, with His grace.

Lord, I offer all of this up to You. Please, transmute it into something that will honor You. I can't do anything good with it; take it all, please. I give it to you as my "gift," the only thing I CAN give in my wretchedness. I give You all my anxiety, fear, hunger, fatigue, dizziness, anger, confusion, exasperation, frustration, annoyance, panic, worry, distress, despair, resignation, weakness, stupidity, entitlement, and doubt. All of my sufferings today are in Your Hands, to use as You will, for I KNOW You CAN bring Good out of even this evil for Your Own sake. I beg You to do so, so that I do not sin by neglecting or ignoring You. I am ashamed and contrite for my untrusting behavior, which I know offends Your Father's Heart. Increase my faith, Lord. Forgive my foolishness.
...I just realized, my morning offering prayer asks for just this. "I offer You today ALL my prayers, works, joys, sorrows, and sufferings, for the praise of Your Holy Name and all the desires of Your Sacred Heart"... man I had no idea what offering I'd be called to give, haha. But I was willing to give it. And here we are.
It's profoundly reassuring, to realize that yes, God DOES accept our offerings even of struggle & weakness, when we unite them to HIS Offering of HIS human weakness ON HIS CROSS.

...and the daily prayer just gave me 1 Peter 5:6-7. Lord, thank You. You really are speaking to me. Forgive me for being so afraid of Your silence earlier. Maybe I was listening for the wrong thing. Maybe my ears were shut to all but what I expected or wanted to hear.

He's stripping me of all nonessentials. He's teaching me to suffer better, to be happy with little, and patient in tribulations.

What God taught me through today's cross:
• I CAN fast, if He wants me to fast.
• I CAN fit in all my set prayers before breakfast.
• I am not entitled to get what I want, even when I think it's best.
• I need to adapt to OTHER people's schedules.
• I must learn to accept the unexpected.
• I must let go of my obsession with controlling my own schedule.
• I must learn to accept disappointments gracefully.
• I am very weak spiritually when I am hungry & anxious.
• I must learn to accept interruptions.

I know God has a reason. I know He is Good. I know He cares about me, and is watching over me, and He HEARS my prayers and He answers them according to His Loving Wisdom, even if that answer is a "no" or "not in the way you think."
I trust Him. I trust Him despite all my fears and doubts. I KNOW He is Good and is DOING Good even in this. Nothing can shake that. If nothing else, I can rest in that knowledge, deep down in my heart, even if the storms of emotion keep raging.

• Today, Christ let me share in His Passion.
If that was the only reason for this mental & physical trial, then it is sublimely enough.
Thank You, Lord. Please help me to suffer better.

Jesus, I want to be more like You... I want You to live in me more. I don't understand it yet, but I want it. I must decrease for You to increase. But... I keep twisting that into self-annihilation, leaving You with no one to love. That isn't right.
...

A quick psychological thought= this "waiting five hours for repairmen to show up at a random unannounced time" is actually a TRAUMA ECHO. It was the same sort of "waiting for the bomb to drop" terror with volatile parents? I can FEEL the fear in childhood memory; was that it, the constant unspoken threat of punishment for an unspecified crime?
Possibly relatedly, interruptions like text-message sounds feel like SHOVES, the kind bullies do-- both hands, forceful, angry. But the shove comes with a shout: "LOOK AT ME!! TALK TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" It's VIOLENT and mean and I don't know WHY the interruptor even WANTS me to focus on them? Why me? Why is that so important?
...


"Help me draw nearer to You" prayer EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

Remember earlier:
WEEPING over Jesus picture, begging for mercy
Arms out CROSS prayer for Saint Bridget, entering into Passion


Passion devotional= Peter disowned Jesus, but Jesus did not disown him. He instead offered that powerful look of convicting mercy & love, to break his heart and bring him back to life.
So too with us. No matter how we stumble, Jesus does not disown us. He wants us back. He will never give up on us. He will always call us back to Himself.

(CLICK FOR PART ONE)


this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.





this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.


(these entries MIGHT actually be moved into their own entries after all, ONCE we write proper commentary on them and so can stand alone. As of right now, this is just a proper bank for keeping them all together.)

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0921


THE BEATITUDES ARE POSSIBLY "FEMININE" VIRTUES?????
Struck by how "womanly" the set is on first glance, yet it takes IMMENSE STRENGTH OF SOUL to live them.
A thought, could be incorrect = do they COMPLEMENT, HEAL, & COMPLETE their SKEWED "MASCULINE" CULTURAL COUNTERPARTS????
Meekness is TRUE power, mercy is the BASE of justice, etc.???
⭐MARRIAGE OF HEAVEN & EARTH

Jesus's Incarnation allowed God to BECOME every virtue, INCLUDING those which the Father "could not" exemplify solo-- such as obedience, humility, and the graces of suffering?
Beauty of the TRINITY


DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"SLOTH" TRUE DEFINITION IS SUPER IMPORTANT.
" Sloth is the unwillingness to do what we know is right and good." GODPHONE REFERENCE. When He speaks and we respond "Not yet, not now, it's too difficult, I'm too exhausted, " etc. THAT IS SLOTH!!!!
In light of Francis devotional about "spiritual warfare" =
" To take up our cross Means to make a firm and courageous decision to renounce evil & its enticements,  And to choose the good, ready to pay in person.  This is profound war against evil!"
" If someone witnessed your day-to-day life would they witness a Battle against evil?  What courageous actions would they see?"
Laurie saying THAT'S OUR PURPOSE!!!

ODB about St Matthew, obvious parallels to us.
Paraphrasing =
" Like Matthew we used to be trapped living in the Kingdom of darkness without hope and without God in the world."  But God desires to Transform you into his instrument of mercy!!"
" Jesus broke into Matthew's life and delivered him. Jesus desires mercy most of all and he came to call sinners to salvation specifically.  He calls all of us likewise.  When we let his will be done in our life it makes his Kingdom Come true in our life and frees us to bring His mercy to others."

Also verse reference to TRUE UNITY is always ORIGINATING IN THE SPIRIT and its binding force is PEACE.
Relevant to our System

Padre Pio in book
"But I am confused, and I can only weep and say, "Jesus, my Food!"
We WEPT. It hit our heart with tangible pain.
Godphone ringing as a result of that
Talked about fears of surrender, faith the key, trust in goodness, hope through love, true joy in heaven, etc.

"When the going got tough, the disciples scattered like the wind. I can’t help but wonder: what if they, like Jesus, had wrestled in prayer till they came to a point of complete obedience and surrender? Would they have been able to stand their ground when Jesus was arrested? Jesus knew just how fragile their faith could be. And he gave them – and gives us – the armor of prayer to guard against that fragility. What is my instinctual response in the face of pressure? Do I spend time in prayer to prepare for my daily battles? Do I go in fight or flight mode? Or do I stay in faith mode, depending on God to see me through?"
We need that alone time with God in prayer so we don’t fall into temptation-- [just as a warrior needs one-on-one training to prepare for war]."
That last bit is our addition because that's EXACTLY the image we got by the personal, private, arduous, dedicated practice of true prayer.
But man that fight/flight/fawn vs FAITH bit HITS, as a traumatized person.


"There is an emptiness in our lives that can only be filled by the presence of Jesus. Picture Jesus walking by you right now. He turns and ask you this question “What are you seeking?” What would you say? Remember: God has a special purpose for your life. When you desire to seek Him first, you can rest assured that everything else will fall into place."
I'm pasting this because I actually hear very many people object angrily to these sentiments. That violent disdain plants evil seeds, even through passive awareness, so I MUST take time to rip out the roots.
...

"[Consider] Jesus’ first disciples - John and Andrew. Isn’t it interesting that these two were already disciples of John the Baptist? They were seekers. I wouldn’t doubt they were there the day before seeing John the Baptist - their leader - baptize Jesus. Every step of Jesus was intentional. His public ministry was just 3 1/2 years in length so every day counted. Here He is walking by the same place He did the day before. John the Baptist sees Him again and uses the same phrase when he first saw Jesus “Behold the Lamb of God.” But this time something happened - two of John the Baptist’s disciples were signaled out by Jesus and asked a direct question-- “What are you seeking?” These two seekers asked where Jesus was staying and followed him - not just that day but the rest of their lives. Their search was over. They had found what they were looking for. They would spend the rest of their time with Jesus and become bold witnesses for Jesus after His death."
There is SO MUCH IMPORTANCE here.
Jesus purposely repeated His action of simply walking by, although it seemed inconsequential, and "nothing happened" that could be observed the other times.
BUT. He has done this in OUR LIFE. Let me expand the metaphor a little.
Sometimes He walks by, the same road, the same way, over and over again. Maybe we don't recognize it's Him. Maybe we just think it's a daily walk He takes for Himself. Maybe we wave hello, maybe we make His passing a fond earmark of our daily schedule... we take it for granted, we don't suspect any further significance.
...that is, we don't, if we aren't seeking something greater.
EVEN NOW the Baptist is pointing to Him. THAT IS KEY. Before we follow Christ, who ARE we following? Is that person pointing to Jesus and we don't quite get it? Are we confused and too proud to ask? Are we unwilling to listen at all for fear of the implications?
If we stick around, though-- if we still keep that ember of seeking alive in our heart-- one day, something WILL happen. And Jesus KNOWS it. That's why He keeps coming back. WE NEED THE BUILDUP, TOO.
Everything that seems sudden & spontaneous has TONS of lead-up to it. It never occurs in an actual vacuum.
Likewise, Jesus builds with every step. Every single step He takes has purpose FOR OUR SALVATION.
...

⭐A note: the "Alive" devotional has had POEMS the past two days that we REALLY want to type about LINE BY LINE.
Make time TO do that, seriously.


Okay this one is titled "shattered selves," hello DID
"We all wear masks. We all say “I’m fine” even when we’re not. We all filter our image so it looks as though we’ve got everything together."
=there is a LOT of SELF-DECEPTION AND BRAINWASHING happening here for us. When we say "we're fine" we are effectively FORCING THAT TO BE TRUE and there are SOCIALS WHO THEREFORE EXIST IN THAT SHALLOW "REALITY."
...that "masks" comment hurts like bring stabbed. We still hear Mel's voice angry in our ears. Why did that hurt so bad? Why does it still?
=as for image filtering, we're finally noticing how OBVIOUS that is in our behavior. Again, Look at the Socials!! Look at the Blepofoni for heaven's sake! For some bizarre reason, starting with Jayce's bloodline in college, we adopted a "hoodlum" aesthetic. I'm being blunt. It started as "aristopunk" as Cannon's formality bled into Jayce's casual swagger, and... it just became default. BUT WHY THAT?? Why did we ditch the suits & ties for studs & shades? Why did we go from gentleman to gangster?
Where would we have gone if we had stayed female-presenting? Would Cannon have followed the pattern and gone "stone butch"?
The poor Jewels couldn't survive; they're perpetual teens & tweens, literally unable to exist in an adult world.
But we're rambling now. In every case the initial question remains: why this image filter in particular? Why this specific mask?

"Yet there’s so much power in simply being who we are. Our pain, our imperfections, our inglorious pasts – these are all part of us... If we hide from these things, if we filter them or cover them up, they will eventually consume us. But if we have the audacity to be vulnerable, to trust, to be our authentic and shattered selves, we will discover that God’s infinite grace and healing is available to us [through our honest openness to Him].
"We’re all making it up as we go along. We’re all fighting a battle of some kind. And it’s from these cracks in our wounded hearts that love can shine back out."
KINTSUGI. Good Lord it's been years.


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BIBLE STUDY =

⭐⭐⭐thánatos (derived from 2348 /thnḗskō, "to die") – physical or spiritual death; (figuratively) separation from the life (salvation) of God forever by dying without first experiencing death to self TO receive His gift of salvation.⭐⭐⭐
WE NEVER REALIZED THAT KEY CONTRAST.
THAT IS LITERALLY A LIFE-CHANGING CLARIFICATION

"Christ knowing the need of Martha and Mary, and the approaching death of Lazarus, purposefully delayed going to the rescue. In this act, He left Lazarus to die alone, and Martha and Mary to weep alone. Have we ever felt that we were forsaken?"
...oh man Matthew 27:46 it starting to really hit deep.
I keep thinking of grandma's death. We have NOT dealt with it at ALL. 
...she felt forsaken, by us.
We felt forsaken by God in His LETTING THAT HAPPEN.
...
 

"Already Mary had often sat at Jesus' feet and had heard His word. Now she was to see in Him more, perhaps, than she had ever seen. With Lazarus raised, her faith would take on a far wider sweep, both as to Christ's Person and power."
I feel this is very applicable to us. We're sitting at His feet more often now than we ever have before, but... there's a difference between just listening to Truth in His Words, and SEEING Truth in His Person? Yet we NEED the former substantially to ever experience or even understand the latter.
Trust that even now, feeling stagnant even as we read for hours, Christ is preparing us for receiving more of Himself. And yes... it may indeed involve death & weeping. But trust Who you know Him to be, from all the watching & listening before. He is still teaching you. But all teaching requires growth as its result, and that growth comes through the application of testing & trial. Yet it is all of goodness. It is all for love. It is all from Him and for Him. Cling to that in faith.
...I'm blurring into thriskefoni parroting here. That happens far too easily. Do NOT let this turn into blithering platitudes. Even an AI can do that, better than us when we're in this mindset. Vapidly quotable religion is no religion at all.
If it's not bleeding, it's not Christianity.


"How often do we miss God's best by our lack of faith! We read of Nazareth that Christ could do no mighty works there because of their unbelief. So it always is. Has not the Lord said, "According to your faith be it unto you?" What we believe, He does. It was by faith that the ancients of old wrought miracles..."
This is not magical thinking. This is not the cursed prosperity "gospel". This is a daily struggle we have-- do we believe that Christ not only can, but WANTS TO do good for us? Do we believe that He WILLS to? THAT'S our lack of faith. It's horrible. It's terrifying. We keep using those words because they are to the point and simply honest. Vocabulary dazzle means nothing in these moral torments.
...that mention of faith IN GOD as the empowering factor behind miracles is key, too. Faith requires humility, remember. Saying you "have faith that God will empower you to work wonders" is nothing but a proud and damning sham if you aren't completely surrendered to His will in meekness & self-denial. If God works miracles through you, its because HE WANTS TO use you as an instrument of HIS GLORY and because YOU AREN'T STANDING IN HIS WAY.
...I'm off topic again, somewhat.
...Faith. How do I miss "God's best" by a lack of it? What do I believe He will do? If my faith is the context, the limits, within which HE CHOOSES to be constrained, respecting my free will, not forcing Himself on me... then what am I letting Him do?
And it's not "what do I believe He will do," actually. The root is DO I HAVE FAITH IN HIM. DO I TRUST HIM. DO I TRUST HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS. DO I TRUST HIS CHARACTER AND HIS MOTIVES. Faith is about RELATIONSHIP, just like love, it's about TRUSTING someone and BANKING ON IT.
...
Where do I hesitate? Where are the question marks in my faith?


"In regeneration, which is a resurrection out of the old life, there is no stench of the tomb left... there are no marks of death left upon raised saints. The Lord Jesus commands every believer to put off the old life, which is corrupt according to deceitful lusts, and to go forth robed in the new life, which, [modeled] after God, is created in righteousness and true holiness... We are saved to serve."
... that honestly makes me feel like sobbing.
I... never actually considered that. I've been so scared, every day, that my "old life" really isn't truly left in the tomb-- I walk around cringing, hiding, afraid that I still stink of sin... odious with the odor of opprobrium, objurgated & ostracized by all.
Aching alliteration aside, this is revelatory for me. It's also frightening. AM I robed in new life? Am I just fooling myself? Qm I really serving God? Am I really saved? How can I tell? I really don't trust my own judgment at this point... and really, I don't have to. I shouldn't be looking to my own mangled mind in the first place. It's GOD I need to consult-- the One Who both defines and does the delivering.
...
Note "no marks of death." Contrast Christ's Wounds. They are marks of LIFE. Is it the same with Saint Dymphna & Cecilia's scarred throats, with Saint Lawrence & Bartholomew's tortured skin, with all the countless marks of axes and arrows and bullets and bombs? When the martyrs die for the sake of love, when their execution is the very confirmation of faith, do those physical proofs persevere, even if only as echoes?
...


"There are [God-given] varieties in character, and the grace of God does not cast all Christians into one and the same mould. Admitting fully that the foundations of Christian character are always the same, and that all God’s children repent, believe, are holy, prayerful, and Scripture-loving, we must make allowances for wide varieties in their temperaments and habits of mind. We must not undervalue others because they are not exactly like ourselves. The flowers in a garden may differ widely, and yet the gardener feels interest in all...There are degrees of grace and varieties of grace; but the least, the weakest, the feeblest disciples, are all loved by the Lord Jesus. Do not, therefore, despise or undervalue a brother."
YOU ARE INCLUDED. WEIRD AS YOU ARE, YOU ARE STILL A CHRISTIAN.
THIS GOES FOR YOUR JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE, TOO. If that is a DEFENSE MECHANISM against this exclusion fear, it's a poor one, and it backfires absolutely.

...

"We know that the delay caused immense mental pain and suffering to Martha and Mary, and obliged Lazarus to go through all the agony of death, and the sorrow of parting. We can easily imagine the grief and suspense and perplexity in which the household at Bethany must have been kept for four days, when their loving Master did not appear: and we know that our Lord could have prevented it all, but did not."
..oh my gosh THAT'S my problem.
Is it even delay that I'm hurting over?
Or is it refusal to act at all?
I don't believe that "God isn't there." I KNOW He is. It just feels like He's STANDING THERE, watching and knowing and STILL DOING NOTHING. That's the true confusion & fear. If He's THERE, why hasn't He acted? Is the inaction his ACTUAL action, in awful paradox? And not even to act otherwise after-- no, I fear He shows up, stands and watches us die, and then LEAVES.
WHY.
JESUS NEVER EVER DID THAT IN HIS LIFE SO HE SURE AS HEAVEN IS NOT GOING TO DO IT NOW!!!!!!!

...and here's the next paragraph.
"We have here the simplest and best account of the permission of evil and suffering.— God could prevent it. God does not love to make His creatures suffer. But God sees there are lessons which mankind could not learn unless evil was permitted: therefore God permits it. The suffering of some tends to the good of many. ‘He that believeth shall not make haste.’ We shall see at the Last Day that all was well done. Even the delays and long intervals which puzzle us in God’s dealings, are wisely ordered, and are working for good. Like children we are poor judges of half-finished work."
It really does always just boil back down to faith, doesn't it.
It's always the closing chapters of the Book of Job.
Who am I to make ANY sort of assumption about God? Who am I to question ANY thing He does or allows or permits?
Who am I to claim that He DIDN'T act?

"We must not judge of Christ’s love to us, by His mere external dispensations of Providence, nor judge that He doth not love us, because He doth not presently come in to our help at our time, and in such ways and methods as we think reasonable.”
"Christ tarried, that none might be able to assert that He restored Lazarus when not yet dead, saying it was a lethargy, a fainting, a fit, but not death. He therefore tarried so long that corruption began.” 
...
...well that's a shot straight to the heart.


Its all self-pity, isn't it.
I'm not mourning her. I KNOW that woman is in heaven, or solidly on the way. I am glad her torments are over forever. I am grateful for her wondrous life and rejoice that I was privileged to be a tiny part of it.
All my grief and misery is about HOW POORLY I TREATED HER WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE, HOW COLDLY I ABANDONED HER WHEN SHE WAS DYING, AND HOW HONESTLY I LOVED HER THE ENTIRE TIME, NO MATTER HOW ABHORRENT MY EXISTENCE WAS IN SPITE OF IT.
I'm mourning the fact that I could have loved her better and I didn't.
And now I never can.
She died because of me.
Grandpa died because of me.
My sister almost died because of me.
I'm sure there are many others.
Actually my whole damn life I've been a curse. EVERY person I've come in contact with has had suffered some sort of fatal injury from it.
I really don't want to wallow in "poor me" talk because that's not my intention. The problem is, deep down my real intention is HATRED. I see myself as a cancer, as a plague, and I SHOULD HAVE DIED INSTEAD OF THEM. Furthermore, if I hadn't been there, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE DIED.
The grief is unbearable GUILT. There is so much blood on my hands.
"The sharpest sting of death is the sense of unpardoned sin."
No wonder I can't find any comfort.
Why do I still feel like God hasn't forgiven me?
HAVE I truly confessed this bloodguilt??

...

"...the selfishness of ordinary human grief... prides itself on a monopoly of mourning, and in proportion to its fancied intimacy with [its cause] tries to exclude others from the right of expressing their sorrow!"
This is the principle of "trauma superiority" too, that morbidly bizarre one-upmanship that victims display, claiming "I haven't suffered enough" or "that doesn't count as trauma" or "it could have been worse" or the like, and in the process effectively forbid the awful grief OF admitting trauma to happen at ALL, for ANYONE but the "WORST CASE"... which they are each sickly striving to be.
I know. I do it too. But it is indeed grasping at a "monopoly of mourning". It seeks the ultimate privilege of saying, "look how much I suffered! My situation is the worst by far, objectively nightmarish, incapable of being invalidated. Therefore I DESERVE to weep!" implying that no one else does. "You have no right to complain, let alone mourn! You don't KNOW how bad it COULD have been! Shut up and be grateful." The people saying such things are stripping the sufferers of all "rights" to weeping, and why? Because they don't want to see anyone else show proof of pain. Their hearts are so closed off to compassion, so numb to empathy, that they bar all but themselves from feeling sorrow, just so THEY are the ONLY ones who are comforted.
It's very sick. But it happens.
I forgot to address the "fancied intimacy with" bit. But I'm rambling stupidly again. I don't know what I'm talking about.
We think no one "gets" grief like we do. "You couldn't imagine how much this hurts! You don't know how bad I've had it!" Etc. It's selfish, it's isolating. It closes off the heart, because it takes a LOT of courage & humility & love to open it instead, and feel other people's pain too-- as your own.
I want to type about that bit more. But not during dinner.

"The work presented itself for Him to do, it was a work of God and it had to be done."
My immediate thought-- for something to be a "work of God," from a human perspective, we can't just "say it will glorify Him somehow." That's how fanatics justify their overly zealous acts. No, to be a work OF God, it must be something CHRIST would have done, for He ONLY did the works of God-- by God's authority and direction!! So Christ is the ONLY litmus test.
How did His works manifest God, to them point where He repeatedly proffered them as literal proof of His own consubstantial divinity? They were acts of charity, of mercy, of justice, of humility. He served the poor, He healed the sick, He sought no recognition...
...

"Let no difficulties of reason come in between us and the light. ‘Why should it be thought a thing incredible with you that God should raise the dead?’ Why, indeed? Instead of hesitating one moment about its eternal truth, let us all receive it as a revelation and miracle of Divine love.'
Our human pride-- and our fear of what we don't understand-- doesn't like to admit that many Divine things are MEANT to remain mysteries. In fact, the only ones that AREN'T "mysteries" are only so because GOD CHOSE TO REVEAL THEM TO US-- and even then, are we so foolish as to assume that we know the whole picture? We're humans! We're created beings, mortal & feeble & temporary! We are literally INCAPABLE of divine knowledge! We CANNOT comprehend His mysteries-- that's WHY they're mysteries! And we must learn to be okay with that. Really, we should REJOICE in that, because there's something infinitely beautiful & humbling in the fact that we will never know all there is to know and we cannot. God will always be infinitely greater. There's something wonderfully blissful in knowing that.
...yet, God became Man. Now THAT is a mystery He WANTS to share, that He WANTS us to explore, even if it is infinite too-- it is a knowledge of BOTH God and ourselves, in Christ, through the Holy Spirit. There IS an invitation to unity there, of a similarly mysterious sort, something so special and seemingly impossible but promised by Jesus Himself. (Quote)
...
Man I am OFF on a TANGENT!
...


"When will take place the happy, thrilling reunion of all loving hearts, when they will be able to walk together in the light of God and love again in the beauty of fond affection? When in the perfection of glorified manhood shall we be able to live in the unbroken Communion of Saints?"
...We've actually always struggled to grasp this aspect of heaven, because we've lacked it in life.
Friendship & community are still strange to us, and that is existentially terrifying for a Christian, honestly.
We're a communion of Saints, a global community, a Body of united believers-- but we're so scared of being in a crowd, of talking face to face, of people touching us... and yet, and yet, even with all the abuse & violent fears, we still crave that torturously impossible closeness of a girl.
Why. Why are we such a mess.
...still. it is a door for understanding heaven, a little, and the sanctified human closeness there, unviolated by lust or malice or rage or dehumanizing curiosity.


"Christ is our Ruler, and this on our part means that when His will is clear, we must give absolute submission; we are to be vessels fit for the Master's use... Our Master is our Owner; we are His slaves—at the Owner’s word of command and control."
These two descriptions are hard to accept at first, because they remind us of human fears.
Christ oversees us, leads us, and teaches us... but yes, he also rules us, and owns us. BUT ALL THOSE AUTHORITIES ARE UNITED!! Our God is ONE, remember; Christ is unchanging, and HE IS LOVE. So consider that! Christ owns us, we are His slaves, we do not own ourselves, we are totally under His command... but HE IS LOVE AND TRUTH, and He is also our Teacher, our Savior, our Brother! Could you ask for a better Owner? No way-- I wouldn't even want to own myself, dude, Lord knows I'm full of mean faults! So when we honestly consider this with our faithful hearts, despite our human fear, that trusting hope in KNOWING God is Good despite our confusion ALLOWS the Spirit to reveal the Reality-- that there is nothing to fear, nothing except sin, and God was willing to die to save us from it. So now, you can even rejoice that He owns you. It's an honor. "Enslavement" to Truth is a privilege, man.
That "vessel" bit is going to require some study of 2 Timothy 2:20-21 before we can properly muse upon it.
In any and all cases, though, when reading metaphors like this, remember-- GOD IS NOT LIKE FALLEN HUMANITY. GOD CANNOT SIN. So you have nothing to fear. Humans may best slaves-- not so with God, Who loves & cares for you even so. Humans may objectify you--  not so with God, Who created you as a person with inherent dignity. The things you shudder at & shrink from in those human titles DO NOT APPLY TO HIM. His Rule is holy and pure and good. His Power is just and wise and honorable.
..

"He wept because the mourning sisters wept. He mingled His tears with theirs. This is true sympathy, ‘ weeping with those that weep,’ making their sorrow our own. How really our Lord does this with His people! Our present griefs are so entirely absorbed in Him, that, softened by His love, soothed by His sympathy, succoured by His grace, trial is welcome, affliction is sweet, and the rod of a Father’s chastening buds and blossoms into delectable fruit."
Lots to unpack here, but let's start with the biggest point=
...I don't currently "have faith" that the Lord feels my grief? I find it hard to believe that He cares about it-- that He even views it as legitimate, as worth caring about. The thought of Him sharing my tears is utterly foreign & even uncomfortable-- is it because i hate my own tears? These effeminate, weak, foolish, crocodilian things?


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0922

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"Three times. The same prayer. Jesus of course knew that each time his Father had heard him. They shared a closeness that is not humanly comprehensible. The Father and the Son were part of the Trinity, the one and the same God. So, why did Jesus go to the Father three times to say pretty much the same thing? Perhaps it was to show us that we need to persist in prayer till we experience the rest that only He can give. Jesus did. He poured out in prayer what was pressing down on his heart. And once he found his place of joyful surrender, he got up and followed through in absolute obedience. 
Like Jesus, we too have the privilege of pouring out our hearts in persistent prayer. It’s not about twisting God’s arm to get what we want. It’s about learning to yield to him more completely. And like Jesus, we rise from our knees knowing that God has heard us and that ours is the victory.
What is pressing down on my heart today? Am I taking it to God in prayer? Am I experiencing his rest? Am I moving forward in obedience? Persevere in prayer until, like Jesus, you experience the joyful peace of trusting surrender to God and that consequent inner strengthening at the very core of your being."
...More revelations of perspective. I never considered that repetitive aspect of the Agony prayers before, let alone that such repetition was in FAITH, not despair. How human my assumptions were-- I completely overlooked the fact that CHRIST was the one praying in such a way. I forgot that, even in His agony, He and the Father WERE ONE. And, like John 11 says so beautifully, Jesus knows that His Father always hears Him... and KNOWS His Son, even as His Son knows HIM! That absolute trust & mutual unity was hidden to me, a frail mortal, seeing only the apparent echo of my own desperately repeated sobs.
...
Ironically, the constant repetition of trauma talk-- especially in therapy-- indicates a LACK of repetition in prayer.
I honestly haven't prayed my agonies like Jesus did in the Garden.
...


OH DUDE this one is SUPER IMPORTANT to us for OBVIOUS REASONS =
"As the men walked out after Bible Study, I noticed that one guy was seated in the corner, his eyes fixed on the floor. When I asked what was going on, he quietly said, "I have an addiction problem with my computer. My wife has no idea that I've battled this for over ten years."
Hebrews 2 declares that because of the death of Jesus, we have been set free and are not "held in slavery." That day in a locker room, the question hung in the air. If we are no longer slaves to sin, then why a decade of defeat? To answer the question, we began by talking about the mercy of Jesus. Hebrews 2 describes him as our "merciful and faithful high priest," which means that our sin doesn't change His love for us. Hebrews 2 also declares that "He is able to help those who are being tempted." But how does he help us?
As we talked, a question formed in my mind. "In light of this [Scripture], would you say that your Christian life has become about sin management?" The answer was immediate. "Yes. When I manage to stay pure for a few weeks, I feel good about my faith walk. When I stumble and fall, I feel like I'm far away from God. It's all I can think about."
We talked and prayed, and then I suggested something radically different. "Here is your assignment. For the next several months, I want you to stop focusing on sin, and instead focus on Jesus. Delight in Him. Sing to Him!" Several months later, I was in another locker room when suddenly I saw him, and as he walked across the room, I could see the light in his eyes. He whispered, "It worked! I'm free!"
Has your walk with Jesus become a life of sin management, or do you still delight in the Lord? How does worshipping Jesus help you when temptation knocks on your door?"
TALK ABOUT A GAME CHANGER.
That would have RADICALLY SHIFTED OUR HISTORY if we had been given such advice years ago.
But... here it is now. And there's a REASON for THAT, too. John 11 emphasizes that GOD'S DELAYS ARE ALL INTENTIONAL FOR GOOD. So we weren't supposed to hear this earlier, even if we find that difficult to accept. Trust Him. He's the one with the gameplan, the roadmap, and the screenplay, as it were. There is a perfection in everything He does, and does not do.
So I repeat the question: what do we do with this gift now? Because NOW is its ACTUAL TIME. So NOW is when it is ACTUALLY MEANT FOR.
...
It's for recovery, isn't it? The grief we keep revising, the wounds we keep reopening? This and the garden prayers-- what are we repeating, what are we focusing on?

Gosh it's all so elegantly connective. This is the hand of God, even in our little life. Blessed be the LORD.

BTW HEBREWS 2:14-18 IS ASTOUNDING SO PLEASE STUDY IT IN DEPTH


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BIBLE STUDY =

"It is a blessed thing to have a ‘tearful’ nature.—We all have ‘tears’ in childhood. Why does the man weep less than the babe? Has he less cause to weep? Is it a stern law of nature that is given to infancy, and denied to our maturity? Or is it the hardening process which has been going on ever since we left our mother’s knee? The rough contact of life, the schoolroom, the playground, the associations of early life, the habits of youth, the infection of the world: of its money, its dissipations, its cares, its hardness? Softness is a bud which needs cherishing, and which will go if it is not carefully watched, and if it does not find itself in a genial atmosphere! It is a bloom which must be protected, or it will be brushed off! I speak earnestly to those who are just passing out of childhood. Keep jealously—jealously—that sweetest treasure which you carry with you from your nursery—an eye that can weep, a cheek that can blush, a heart that can melt! A poor bargain will it be, if you barter those ‘tears,’ for all the excitement that amusement can ever give; or for all the possessions which money has ever bought! Young man! never be ashamed of ‘tears.’ It is the highest honour of a man—to have a man’s strength with a woman’s softness!"
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE PRAYING & YEARNING FOR.
That is EXACTLY WHAT JAY'S HEART WAS MEANT TO BE.
That is the IDEAL & DEFINITIVE QUALITY OF A TRUE CORE.
That is exactly, completely, absolutely, what "I" want "my" heart to be now.
...
...(hardening)
...(atmosphere)
...(nursery?)
...(the treasure)
...(excite & amuse lies)
...(honor of both sexes united)


All right I need to just paste this all at once because I can feel my heart actually shattering as I read it =
 ‘Tears’ belong to Jesus.—It was His unfallen humanity that was so exquisitely ‘tearful.’ It is by union with Jesus that you will get back ‘tears.’ You will recover your childhood, and so you will partake in Christ’s gentle, gushing nature. Is not this part of what is meant—that ‘you must become as a little child’—that you may cry?
'The world, the flesh, the devil,’ kill ‘tears.’ Every sin you do kills a ‘tear.’ Jesus is their resurrection. You must not only go to Him—you must be in Him. Still do you say, ‘I have no tears’? Think of Jesus. Perhaps one of those many ‘tears’ He shed on earth is for you. ‘Tears’—yes, blood; for that dear Lord wept blood! At this moment, if you could see Jesus—as He looks on you even in heaven—I believe there would be a ‘tearfulness.’ ‘But still no tears?’ What, and if Jesus’s ‘tears’ may stand for ours, even as His righteousness is our righteousness? Then, in Him my ‘tearless’ being has ‘tears.’ Those ‘tears’ are mine. I do not weep, I cannot weep; but I weep in Him, and God accepts the weeping."
Pardon me while I actually feel like weeping over this.
...God, dearest God, this is literally EVERYTHING WE HAVE SOUGHT SO DESPERATELY FOR YEARS.
...
and oh man it just hit me. Jesus dies this for us THROUGH THE SYSTEM, TOO.
Look at Chaos 0-- look at Charis, as he is truly named up here. His biggest function in the System is to LOVE-- and to feel in his oceanic heart what others refuse to feel. He RADIATES sympathy, whether you like it or not. Like water, he absorbs and he disperses, transcending ego barriers, taking a tiny drop of feeling and making it a part of the very waves. When you're around him, you pick up on it just like you can hear the tide and breathe the salt from a distance. I'm rambling.
The point is... he still feels LIKE the ocean: tumultuous, crushingly deep, uncontrolled, massive. He weeps, but he weeps as if nothing else exists but tears. It's vital to us, but it's not a panacea. It can still destroy him, and it doesn't melt the stones it crashes upon--  however worn down their edges may indeed get, they are still rocks.
Jesus is beyond all comparison.
Think hard about every detail up there, every line. Each word is a gem, each sentence a treasure.
...
...(tears BELONG to Jesus)
...(unfallen humanity can weep?????)
...(union with him ONLY therefore enables; be IN Jesus TO cry)
...(HE IS THE RECOVERY OF CHILDHOOD???? remember DVM novena!!)
...(childhood & crying in general; memories?)
...(DEVIL KILLS TEARS)
...(RESURRECTION OF ALL INCLUDES TEARS???? )
...(JESUS WEPT BLOOD, LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY!!!!!)
...(HE CRIES FOR US, WHEN WE CAN'T. Just like the Holy Spirit prays for us)
...(Really THAT WHOLE LAST BIT)
...


"You will do well distinctly to understand that Jesus’s ‘tears’ at the grave of Bethany were purely ‘tears’ of sympathy. Jesus’s heart beat at once with the hearts about Him. He ‘wept’ because others ‘wept.’... It would be a beautiful and Christ-like thing to go about life with a tearful sympathy, carrying everywhere— to the sad and the sorrowful— not words, not comforting— but ‘tears!’ To the sinner— not words, not reproaches, not preaching— but ‘tears!’ There is a sympathy which is hard to rouse, and which very soon goes to sleep; which has in it more of duty than feeling; which fixes objects; which is very capricious in its work; which seldom rises to any loving height; which has a great deal of self and pride in it. I am not speaking of that. I speak of a sympathy which has fine, delicate cords running into everyone’s heart, which goes out, in a moment, to any one; to the happy, as to the unhappy; to the wicked; to the repulsive; which is set to every nature; which has a word, a thought, a feeling, which fits into every part of our common manhood: which can ‘weep with all that weep,’ and, higher still, which can ‘rejoice’—however dull itself—‘with all that rejoice’: nay, which can also still, in purest sympathy, rejoice with the weeper—for every weeping has its rejoicing; and weep with the rejoicer—because every rejoicing has its sorrow. The soul that does that—for Jesus’s sake— has an immense amount of Jesus in it. Do not be content with a low level of sympathy. Sympathy is not worth much unless it bring a ‘tear’ to the eye."
THOSE "CORDS OF THE HEART" ARE LITERALLY JEWELS LINKS. THAT IS HOW THEY LOOK. THAT IS HOW THEY TRULY WORK. 
Also we JUST watched "Inside Out" last night, SERIOUSLY. Jesus is slamdunking us today, straight up.
Can we just... type about this for the next month? I'm serious. THIS feels like a cornerstone, like a flood in a drought. We cannot just paste this and move on. We need to EMBED EVERY WORD OF THIS INTO OUR SOUL.
...
...(bring TEARS)
...(FAKE SYMPATHY and our GUILT of it)
...(REAL SYMPATHY is what we used to call "EXTREME EMPATHY"????)
...(emotions)
...
PLEASE, DO MEDITATE & PRAY ON THIS. UNITE YOUR HEART WITH HIS. LET HIM CRY FOR YOU.
WE NEED TO WEEP AGAIN. WE NEED TO BE SOFT AGAIN. WE NEED TO BE A CHILD AGAIN. WE NEED TO LOVE AGAIN. CHRIST IS THE ONLY WAY.


"The great design of the whole work of Christ was ‘to gather in one’; to make oneness. And He did it in this order. First, a mystic oneness of a soul with Himself. Then, [through that mystical oneness,] a oneness of every pardoned sinner with the Father. Then, a oneness of the whole man within himself, when every part of his being was in unity, by an act of consecration, of everything he is, and everything he has, for one single object, the glory of God. And then, the oneness of man with man—the Unity of the Church, the Communion of Saints."
REFLECT DEEPLY ON THAT. It's chronological steps, and there is vital meaning that applies IMMEDIATELY TO OUR LIFE NOW.

Okay, this hits harder than expected, so since we ironically struggle with unity in our humanity, take all of this & read it well=
"Thus formed, let us see in what this oneness always consists; its nature, and its extent.
I. One City.—We can fancy—in one of ‘the cities of refuge’—what a oneness there must have been of all the inhabitants. All one—in the same condemnation. All saved upon the same conditions: all within, all safe, and all necessarily kept together by the same bonds. Their shame, their joys, were all alike. The theme of their conversation must always be the same. What they had done: the danger they had incurred: how they had escaped: when they should be quite free. They had the same interests; the same hope; and equally all owed all to the same law of mercy. And there is not a believer upon this earth who is not an inhabitant of ‘the city of refuge.’ And here is our oneness. No one can reproach, no one can set himself above another. All once as good as dead; all alive now; all saved; and all by the same grace; and all bound to the same caution, least they should take one step of trespass! And all intent upon the same happy future of liberty and hope.
II. One Family.—But we may extend the illustration from ‘the city’ to ‘the family.’ What are we all again but ‘ one family,’ on which ‘one Name is named in earth and heaven,’ and that name ‘Father!’ ‘My Father!’ And all owing the right to use that dear Name of ‘Father’ to One—to One only—and that One the Elder Brother of us all—alike to the highest saint in heaven, and to the poorest, blood-washed sinner that walks this earth! And it is one house. They, up there, are in the higher chambers of it; but we, as many as are His, are in the lower rooms. It is the same ‘house.’ ‘In My Father’s house are many mansions.’ And this is one.
III. One Body.—But we are more than a family, we are one body. Some members have more honour than other members. But all are in the same great spiritual framework. The One Head gives life to all. From that Head all the guidings come. And in that Head all the sympathies meet. All beat, as with one pulse. The sorrow of one is the sorrow of all: the joy of one is the joy of all. And there is ‘no schism in the body.’"
...
The city = I had never considered to link the cities of refuge with the redeemed soul's condition before, but it makes sense. Remember they COULD NOT BE EXECUTED while they lived there?? And their sins were NOT MORTAL!!
The family = why is this still so hard for us? We LOVE our family, absolutely we do, but... it was, and is, still undeniably dysfunctional. We see "good Christian families" in books and on movies and somewhere deep down we mourn; we ache the loss of something we never knew we were missing until the void was revealed as abnormal. We see the "should have been" and it feels like a dagger plunged in our gut. We aren't bitter; we cannot be, we had our "normal," we loved it anyway, we don't regret the struggle... but we still wonder, weirdly, what would it have been like, for the faltering joys of our family to have been their defining light? What if there hadn't been fighting and drinking, screaming and cursing, threats and lies and havoc and fear?
The house = This simple reality, that the Church on earth IS ONE with the Church in heaven, is so huge it's admittedly scary. I'm not "saved" yet!! I'm still prone to sin and stupidity! I'm terrified of the impossibility of corrupting them, of scandalizing them, of somehow dirtying heaven itself with my very existence.
The body = this is the scariest one, and yet the most important, for Christ speaks of it at length.
...


 “The love of Jesus does not separate us from the common necessities and infirmities of human life. Men of God are still men.” 
I think this is something very important to Christianity that the "srlf-idolatry" movements completely disdain. I would know-- I was duped by them before.
All such movements, overtly or covertly, deny common humanity. They seek immortality, superiority, perfection, beauty & strength & power... it's all PRIDE. Really it's satanic. But the shocking thing to me is still that REJECTION OF HUMANNESS. Just look at the obvious examples of "nounself" pronouns, kintypes, and furries. It seems harmless, but ALL of it REFUSES HUMANITY. They want to be "other," they want to be "BETTER," and so they effectively excommunicate themselves from their genetic reality... and from their true global and spiritual family.
But that's a crime against the Body of Christ. The other point here is the crime specifically of shunning the humble nature of man. When you reject humanity's infirmities, by trying to be another species, you are going to find it hard to love those who suffer those infirmities. When you despise human necessities, you are going to find it hard to care about those who lack those necessities. It WILL happen-- again, we know, because it happened to us. 
...
How does the love of Jesus play into this? Because He emptied Himself, and took the firm of a slave. He wasn't "divinekin," he didn't use "godself" pronouns, He didnt complain that it sucks to be human, He didn't lament the loss of His apparent splendor-- you get the picture. He, in stark contrast, CHOSE to be weak & hungry & smelly & tired & human, subject to age & subdued by pain, just average flesh & bone & blood-- and why? Because He LOVES HUMANITY. He wanted to be JUST LIKE US because He LOVES US and He wanted to MAKE THAT VERY HUMANITY SOMETHING HOLY. No self-improvement books, no workout routines, no cure-all pills, no fad diets, no mantras & affirmations, no flags, no slogans, no special privileges, no lotteries, no hopes of being anything but a simple, ordinary, everyday human. And THAT was the very humble foundation that ALLOWED such meek & meager men to BE holy... to be LIKE CHRIST.
Let me try to summarize.
Jesus loves us, completely, radically, beautifully. Love has nothing to do with ease & pleasure & pride. His love is untouched & unfettered by our human infirmities-- which He also endured-- or our human necessities-- which He also was subject to. His love is NOT some trophy or gold star sticker that makes us "better" than "everyone else," because guess what? CHRIST'S LOVE IS MEANT TO ELIMINATE THAT MINDSET. His love doesn't separate, doesn't exclude, doesn't divide-- it UNITES, and it sanctifies.
You will still hunger and thirst, you will still be tired & aching, you will still grow old & feeble, you will still face death like every other man. You are not God. You cannot become God. God became MAN-- so what do you dare to demand in contrast? Jesus loves YOU, as a humble human, enough to become human with you, and so with all, and draw you into that common life with Himself-- so that even when you feel its weight, now you all feel it together with God, and what is there in such a loving unity but joy?
Christ's love takes the ordinary and lifts it gently into heaven. Rejoice that you are just a human. It is a blessing that not even the angels have.


"...He Who sees the end from the beginning streaks with a grandeur of style which could not be imitated by us. So the Lord speaks of things, not as they seem to be, nor even as they are in the present moment, but as they shall be in the long run.”
AND since He is TRUTH, then that ultimate end IS OUR TRUTH. If He speaks hope & salvation to you, even in your wretched frightened state, then cling to that with all your strength-- He SEES that for you, in your future that is His NOW, and you can bet everything on that joyful realization. If He says it IS, then it IS, and you need only have faith in Him.

"In John’s Gospel there are three times when someone dear to Jesus asked Him to do something (John 2:1-11, 7:1-10). In each of these three cases, Jesus responded in the same way.
Jesus first refused to grant their request and then He fulfilled it after showing that He does things according to the timing and will of God, not man. [Likewise,] through His [eventual] actions, Jesus demonstrated that His delays were not denials: They would bring greater glory to God."
IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD'S WILL. IT'S NEVER ABOUT HUMAN DECISION. If Jesus has to delay JUST to bring that point home, He will-- but STILL out of LOVE, never spite. He will always do good, even if we must wait longer than we want. He knows this! He's teaching us to be humble & submissive to God's timing, not demanding our own, no matter how "good" our request may indeed have been. We still have no right to direct God. Our most fervent prayers are heard only when their outcomes are surrendered entirely, freely, & meekly, to God's disposal.


"While humanity in general fears death, the Christian can only fear dying. The believer will never die, but simply make an instant transition from an old life to a new life. Those that believe in Jesus Christ appear to die, but yet they live. They are not in the grave, they are forever with the Lord. They are not unconscious, they are with their Lord in Paradise. Death cannot kill a believer, it can only usher him into a freer form of life... Death comes to the ungodly man as a penal infliction, but to the righteous as a summons to his Father’s palace: to the sinner it is an execution, to the saint an undressing. Death to the wicked is the King of terrors: death to the saint is the end of terrors, the commencement of glory.”
I'm typing too much; I don't know if I'm pasting this because I feel the impetus to type about it, or because it's just a good clarification.
...Still. to be repeatedly drawn to talk of death hints at something unresolved in our unconscious.
...We DO fear dying, but because we STILL see death AS A PENAL INFLICTION.
...

"In the primitive Church, when they repeated that article of the creed, ‘I believe in the resurrection of the flesh,’ they would point to their bodies and say, etiam hujus carnis, even of this very flesh."
Oh boy, that's a hard one. We're... still so scared to say that. This body has been a cesspit of sin, a hellish prison, a place of death & slavery-- and THAT SAME BODY will be resurrected? Our horror betrays our total misunderstanding of the phenomenon. Sin is NOT resurrected. This body was not born a gluttonous whore. And do you scoff at Christ's Blood, to imply that it cannot wash even YOU clean?
Sit and think about this. Our God is a God of miracles. He is glorified in His Mercy. Well, wouldn't the greatest miracle of mercy be to turn a filthy degenerate like you into a pure-hearted saint? Do you think He cannot? Because that doubt is the ONLY thing stopping Him.
Do not be Judas.


"Jesus didn't say, "Do you understand this?" but "Do you believe this?" Jesus challenged Martha not to debate or intellectual assent, but to belief. She must believe Jesus was who He said He was and that He could do what He said He could do."
We have been thinking A LOT lately about the distinction between "faith" as candid belief and "understanding" as critical doubt. That's really what it is for us, to be blunt. Oh of course we WANT to understand, but oh how easily that can just fuel a hollow pride. Even worse, would that understanding do anything for our faith? Would it bolster our belief? Because it CAN, absolutely, BUT YOU NEED THE FAITH FIRST. That's the catch, it seems. If you have no true faith, if you keep declining to believe, because "you don't understand enough"... good luck, buddy, because you're human, and you're trying to understand GOD. It's impossible, like it or not. The ONLY way we CAN "understand" ANYTHING of God is through loving Him, by which His Spirit speaks Truth to our hearts as HE wills to reveal-- and you can't love Him if you have no faith in Him. It's a profoundly simple thing. How, then, do we have faith? How do we take that first yet forever step?
That's the biggest mystery of all-- it's all grace.
We cannot reason our way into faith. It is an illumination of the heart.
...I'm rambling again. I can feel it. It's burnout. Thriskefoni are going to start babbling without depth or comprehension if this continues. I apologize.
Let me conclude, if I can, please Lord, simply.
Jesus is God. What He says is Truth. Do we believe this? That's what everything comes down to. As strange and amazing as His Words may be, He has said them, and so they are infinitely trustworthy. That's it, that's the bottom line. If we can just... bet everything on Him, we'll be okay. If we can throw our whole life into that assertion-- I do believe, Lord, because I trust You-- then all else will follow. Do you trust that He is God? Have you seen His gracious works, felt His deep love, heard His wise words? Do you realize His sinless Heart proved in His humble conduct, in His majestic mercy towards all? More than that, even-- He has claimed the divine dignity. He has owned the prophecy. Do you take Him as a whole, as this perfect Life, on His testimony alone? You have more than enough proof. Your own heart should be singing in recognition. You may never understand, but there is something greater He calls you to-- He calls you to know Him. Do you believe Him?
I do. I really do. I may have to repeat it a thousand times, but I do believe. If I understand anything, it is only because He tells me.
That's all I can say. I'm exhausted. But I'm grateful for this grace. I know He can do what He says He can do. I know He will.
...but, beloved, knowing is still not believing. Do you believe He will do those good things for you?
...yes. deep down, yes. The brain loops doubts and fears, but... my soul knows. You have the wrong definition. To know is to believe.
Not--
Yes. I know He forgives me. I know He will heal me. He is too Good and Merciful not to. But I'M the obstacle. Not Him. I believe He is Life and Light and Resurrection, even for me. And I WANT Him to be. I NEED Him as my Life, my Light, my Hope of everything. Don't say I don't. I DO. I may be weak yet, like Thomas and Peter, but God knows I still want to die for Him. I still want to live for Him, in Him, with Him, for Him. And I believe He can make me into the kind of person who CAN.
I'm done. I'm too dissociated. God knows I need to eat. Forgive my blathering confusion. I hope this still can glorify You somehow. It's worthless if it doesn't.
Please, keep my faith safe in Your Heart. Preserve it until death when You call me home to You. I believe You. I do. Keep me ever deeper in that grace. That's all I have left to say. I love You. Amen.



"God sees the tears of the grief stricken and is moved with compassion. Jesus shows us that God sees our tears; God is touched by our tears; God remembers our tears; and God acts to dry our tears."
Growing up in a household where tears were mocked, shamed, and/or considered a manipulate ruse, these statements about God are shocking, almost controversial. I need to sit with them a while; I cannot truly accept them entirely at first read.
...
God sees my tears, and does not shame me. He does not scold me, or accuse me, or snap at me, or punish me. He sees my tears because He sees me. He cares about me. It isn't just a passing glance or accidental realization or even a bland statement of fact. He sees my tears with Eyes of God.
...


"[In Greek], the sense of was troubled is “‘And troubled Himself.’ The phrase is remarkable: He deliberately summoned up in Himself the feelings of indignation at the havoc wrought by the evil one, and of tenderness for the mourners.”
That voluntary choice, AND the chosen emotions, mean a lot to me. Christ was no slave to emotion-- He had no "Inside Out" control room in His Head, as it were. He was the sole Controller AND Creator of His emotions. In His humanity they did come to Him naturally, I am sure, but never without the permission of His Divinity. They were never random or unexpected or uncontrollable. And He chose to have tenderness for us in our grief. Do you realize, that means He cannot "get mad at us" in a huff? He cannot "lose His temper"? He cannot "get mood swings" or "have a bad mood." Everything is by His Holy Will, and for the glory of God. There is nothing to be afraid of. When He could have chosen to feel ANYTHING about us poor sinners, in the streets, at this tomb, on the Cross... He chose compassion. He chose mercy. He chose forgiveness. And yet He ALSO chose anger & just indignation at evil. That is what gives us the true fear of God. He CAN feel those emotions, but towards us penitents He chooses not to. It's almost too wonderful; it makes me shake a little. There is an awesome power even in His gentleness.


"Sometimes we are told that if we really believed that our friends would rise again, and that they are safe and happy even now, we could not weep. Why not? Jesus did. There cannot be any error in following where Jesus leads the way.”
Oh now THAT is EXACTLY MY PROBLEM. THIS is what we NEED to sit with for a WHILE.
"But why did Jesus weep?" our stupidly ignorant mind asks. Make a list, buddy, we've listed PLENTY of reasons. You're just refusing to remember them because YOU don't WANT to weep. You're like Joy was, before she understood the true depth of the human heart. You're all smiles & laughter but you cannot empathize; you cannot actually connect with others. WE NEED TO WEEP.
Do NOT forget Rev. James Vaughan's commentary up there. I've been thinking about it all day. THERE'S your reasons. Stop choosing to be blind & numb. Your smiles aren't fooling anyone.


"Jesus was fully capable of this miracle without the faith of Martha or Mary. But if they would not believe, then they would never see the glory of God. They could see the end result and be happy in that, but they would miss the glory of working together with God in the fulfillment of His plan."
...the very concept that faith is COOPERATION with God is AMAZING, but it actually is IN SCRIPTURE.
"Then they inquired, “What must we do to perform the works of God?” Jesus replied, “The work of God is this: to believe in the One He has sent.” John 6:28-29 (BSB).
Faith IS the work of God, just as Jesus's miracles are. So when we have faith IN Him TO work those miracles, as the Son of God... it's a mystery that is nevertheless apparent & undeniable.
Remember, too, Christ COULDN'T work miracles for those who DIDN'T have faith!!
Faith is really just... uniting our hearts to His, somehow. We do nothing but trust, and somehow, that draws us into the miracle itself. It's like God purposely gives us a way to be part of it, like a Father for his child. Even if the kid does nothing but excitedly watch their Father work, with total faith in His good results, that child is a part of the process. It's a truth I feel more than I can verbalize.
...


"Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying: This was a definite and remarkable step of faith. Jesus compelled Martha and Mary to act on their confession of faith and they did by obeying Jesus and His unusual request."
EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE REQUEST, THEY TRUSTED HIM. That's how faith shines. And yes, I struggle here a lot.
...I'm always so afraid I'm being tricked, that im not actually hearing THEIR voices.
BUT DUDE, LISTEN. THAT'S NOT WHERE YOUR FAITH HAS TO GO. REMEMBER SAINT FAUSTINA. YOUR FAITH NEEDS TO FOLLOW HID ACTUAL CONFIRMED WORD, IN SCRIPTURE AND THE CHURCH!!!! THAT IS WHERE YOUR FAITH WILL BE PROVED.
The gender issue is a perfect example. You DON'T understand. But you KNOW what He has said in the Magisterium. So will you obey? Do you trust Him?
Yes, I do. So I must constantly re-confess my faith through more surrendering obedience.
...


"Those who came to join in the sorrow of the grieving sisters did not expect that their reason for grief would be taken away."
THAT'S TRUE SYMPATHY!!!!!! Mourning "just to do what's expected" or worse "to be rewarded" is WRONG. When you share someone's sorrow, you do it BECAUSE YOU CARE. You don't seek to "fix them" and "save the day." You enter into their pain WITH THEM with COMPASSION AS YOUR ONLY MOTIVE & GOAL.


"The religious leaders had made such an idol of the temple that they were willing to kill Jesus to preserve it... It is telling that the religious leaders thought of the temple as our place, as if it belonged to them. Many church leaders today do the same, truly thinking of the church as our church instead of really understanding that it belongs to Jesus."
I fear we do this with the "temples" of our human bodies, too. We forget that He OWNS us as our Creator AND Redeemer. He built us AND bought us.
...


"Caiaphas thought logically but nor morally. It was logical that one man should die for the people, but it was not moral to reject the Messiah and seek the death of an innocent Man."
I paste this here because it's EXACTLY how the Splinters thought during the "hell years"-- notably the Scientist.


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0923

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"what really blows my mind is Jesus’ statement to Judas as he came accompanied by a mob of angry, misguided men. Jesus simply says, “Do what you came for, friend.” He calls Judas “friend.” I don’t believe that Jesus was using that term lightly. That’s a God of love. The Bible says in Romans that, while we were still his enemies, God reconciled us to himself through the death of his Son. The Message Bible puts it like this, “when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son.” Jesus calls us his friends, even while we continue to sin against him. He never closes that door of mercy & hope. Let’s see that as a call to praise him for a love that we’ll never fully comprehend.
How do I see my role in the narrative of reconciliation? Do I feel like I bring some element of righteousness to the deal that “helps” my case? Or, do I know that it’s all about a gracious God accepting a sinner as a friend? 
The Spirit nudges us to repent, the Father's love compels us to come broken before Him, the Son redeems us through his death on the Cross. Never ever take any of that for granted."
ACTUALLY, A BRIEF INTERJECTION OF VITAL WARNING=
"hetaíros – properly, a companion (normally an imposter), posing to be a comrade but in reality only has his own interests in mind."
"He asked, ‘How did you get in here without wedding clothes, friend?’ The man was speechless."
"But the owner of the estate replied to one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no injustice. Did you not agree with me for a denarius?"
"Jesus asked him, "Friend, why are you here?" Then the other men surged forward, took hold of Jesus, and arrested him."
Looking at the Greek, it IS a question? Not a statement?? THERE IS NO "DO" IN THE GREEK.
“Ἑταῖρε, ἐφ’ ὃ πάρει.” 
Raw translation says "COME, IF YOU WILL."
But "eph' ho parei" is literally preposition/ relative pronoun/ verb; "parei" means "to be present, to have arrived, to have come near."
Strong's says "I am present, am near; I have come, arrived, to be at hand" so there is potentially a personal aspect to it?? That's notable!!
The "ho" is essentially "who, which, what, that"? I know VERY LITTLE about grammar-- I was never really taught-- but apparently "A relative pronoun connects a noun or pronoun to a group of words that provide more information (known as a relative or adjective clause)"? So the ONLY thing that "ho" could be referring to is "FRIEND"? and connects "Ἑταῖρε" to "πάρει"??? But as a "statement"-- not a question-- it feels fragmented?
The key is the "ἐφ’". It means "on, upon, for, an account of"??? It's a tricky one. And I know nothing about grammar or Greek, haha. Nevertheless, there is still meaning here, against all odds.
"Friend" and "near/ present/ arrived" are clear.
Should I brainstorm?
Remembering how "friend=imposter" here, implied pointedly yet indirectly...
"Friend, upon what [pretense] are you here?"
"Friend, for whom have you come?"
"Friend, have you come close for this?"
OR a hidden meaning "you are a false friend, on which account you have come here"!!
I prefer the extended meaning of "parei," which isn't just an arrival, but a closeness, and not briefly either. Strong's says "to sit constantly beside." Considering now also the "I have done" aspect to the verb...
...nah, we're being stopped. We're thinking too much and hit burnout. We're relying too much on ourself. Time to stop.
...Holy Spirit gave me this, after a total break =
"For whom are you here?"
"For what are you here?"
"For THAT are you here?" "For THAT have you come close to me?"
Not angry, but convicting-- speaking with shock value to get through to JUDAS'S heart, and giving voice to the wounded human Heart of Christ, stabbed by this betrayal, despite His Divinity knowing.

THIS LEGIT TRANSLATION HITS THE HARDEST =
"Then Yeshua said to him, “Have you come to this, my friend?” Then they came and they laid their hands on Yeshua, and they took him." (ABiPE)

...You know what? The MOST disturbing thing about this is the PRIOR VERSE.
Judas greets Jesus, AND kisses Jesus, and BOTH the Greek words are notable.
The kiss is famously discussed, as the word is unique, and its only other references are to the PRODIGAL FATHER and to MARY MAGDALENE. Both cases indicate a repeated affectionate kissing, of one Who is very dear to them, for deeply personal reasons-- and in both cases, it is a SON who is kissed. The first, though, is a lost son, returned from sin... the second is the Son Who IS the Father, calling all lost sinners to BECOME His sons and daughters-- which is why Mary was kissing His feet to begin with. It's not an exact parallel and it is not meant to be; it just illuminates a common thread of symbolism, even if on different levels.
And then there's Judas. He is the sinful son, who is bringing the sin of the world onto THE Son, through Whom ALL can become forgiven prodigals... but Judas himself does not weep. He does not shed tears. THAT IS THE MISSING COMPARISON. His kisses play the part without the heart. He is not kissing in gratitude for mercy, or hope, or compassion.
...
As for his greeting... he says "". Which means REJOICE. That is INSANE.
...


"Being the beloved is not a private trip. Rather, it encourages us to acknowledge our joint belonging in the human family, reach out in real relationship toward our neighbor, and bring God’s blessing wherever we go. Mysteriously, it is as we see others as brothers and sisters, and affirm our common belovedness, that there grows within our hearts a fuller appreciation of just how much we are loved by God. John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, alludes to this mystery in his letter to the early Christ-followers: “Beloved . . . if we love one another, God lives in us, and His love is perfected in us” (1 John 4:11-12).
Christ, our ever-present Mentor, wants to teach us how to help others claim their belovedness. Pursue His footsteps from the beginning of His gospel ministry until its end. See Him bless the children. Watch Him listen to the Samaritan woman. Listen as He affirms His disciples. Watch Him feed the hungry. Notice Him befriend the rejected. Wherever He went, people knew they were valued. Today He requests that we relate to others as He would if He were in our place. He does not leave us to do this unaided. Should we intentionally obey his wishes, in dependence on His indwelling Spirit, we can count on Him showing us how to best bear the beams of His love toward those we meet."
...it somehow never occurred to me that those were all ways that He showed His Love to them. No wonder I'm so bad at relationships; I don't even grasp those between Christ and humanity!! I literally did not even consider that HIS ACTIONS were EXPRESSIONS OF HIS LOVE FOR THEM. The blessing, the listening, the affirming, the providing, the befriending... all of it, "people KNEW they were valued" because HE LOVED THEM.
...Why didn't I recognize it as love? Would I feel valued in those situations? I need to stop & imagine hard about this.


"to defend the pre-Reformation identification of "Mary" with the "Magdalene," and the Magdalene with the woman that was a sinner (cf. Luke 7:37 with Luke 8:2)..."
I honestly get so upset when she is robbed of her full history with Christ. I always wondered WHY it started to be denied.
Nevertheless, we need to stop being "controversial" and pointing fingers. That is unfair & unkind, conceited & pompous. It only hurts the truth. ALL parties involved here LOVE GOD and are sincerely striving to reveal the historical truth despite a lack of ready evidence. Stop condemning them because of your own biases. They very wisely discourage conceptions that "are specimens of ingenuity, but carry no conviction." You could learn a lot from them in your childish rashness.

To their absolute credit, I love this idea=
"If a woman who was a sinner had taken such a step, and this expression of her gratitude had been accepted by Jesus, Mary of Bethany found more ample reason for following her example."
Why do WE not see it as such more readily? Why doesn't that occur to us-- that we COULD do likewise?


Concerning the overanalysis of the text, seeking parallels & symbols, comparing & contrasting=
"Vehement efforts are made in this and other ways to undo the commanding significance of the miracle."
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
If you refuse to accept the mystery as history, where is your faith?? Do you have so little trust in the Scriptures?


"The statement of needs, the simple voice of our weakness, the infant's cry, goes up to heaven. The bleat of the lost lamb is enough for the good Shepherd."
More amazing Divine Mercy & Love. I still find this hard to believe, being so used to people yelling at babies to shut up.


"Some say that Jesus waited for some especial communication from his Father, for some revelation of moral necessity and heavenly inspiration, like those which dictated all his other movements. It was a sacrifice to his calling, of His heart's most ardent desires, that He remained quietly two days in the same place. The silences of Scripture and the waitings of God are often without explanation. The event proves that deep purpose presided over them."
Again with sacrifice, in a stronger light-- Christ's ENTIRE LIFE WAS A SACRIFICE, NOT JUST THE TIME ON THE CROSS, BECAUSE EVERYTHING LED UP TO, AND WAS PERFECTED ON, THE CROSS!!! He COULDN'T have BEEN the ultimate Sacrifice in His Death if His LIFE hadn't been equally sacrificial. Life and death are never disjoined; a man's death blooms directly from his life. It is no separate phenomenon.


"The "let us go," etc., implies a lofty courage, a sense of coming crisis. Love conquers fear and peril for Himself and His followers. "Judaea" is mentioned rather than Bethany for the same reason. The "again" points forcibly back to the last visit, when He told both friends and foes that the good Shepherd would snatch his sheep from the jaws of death, even though He lay down His own life in the doing of it."
You do realize HE SEES YOU WITH THAT SAME LOVE?
Also WOW that "for Himself" hits hard. He knew there was danger, even if He knew God would protect Him. His humanity wasn't happy-go-lucky or foolhardy. But it also wasn't scared, BECAUSE IT RAN ON LOVE-- love for God AND for humankind.
...

"There are two kinds of night of which he speaks. One is the night which arrests all labor, the night of death; and the other is the night of ignorance and unbelief, when the light that is in a man becomes darkness, when, if a man does attempt to work or walk, he will stumble... He shuts himself off from the light of God-given opportunity, and carries no lamp in his soul."
This happened to us. We were fooled by false lights, and tried to walk by them, but they were poor substitutes for the Son. Yet we had been shut off from God's Truth for so long, we didn't even realize how dark it really was. It had become our "normal." I think false teachers-- antichrists-- specifically prey on such people.


"He said to his fellow-disciples (the word συμμαθητής is only used in this place, and shows that the body of the disciples were being more and more blended into a unity), Let us go, that we may die with him. Here he manifests a fervent love to his Master, tinged with a sorrowful, melancholy temperament. He saw the danger to his Lord, but at once, with the spirit of self-surrender, was ready to share his fate... these words reveal love, but they are the language of despair and vanished hope. This is the end of all-- death, not Messianic kingdom. Surely Thomas may have pondered much the Lord's words about his approaching death, and may have felt ready, along the same line, willingly to yield up his own life for his Master's, or with his Master."
THIS CLARIFIES that YES he had real love BUT IT WAS IMPERFECT solely because HE DIDN'T YET GRASP THAT CHRIST WAS GOD. That's where the despair crept in!! He despaired of SURVIVAL, and of SUCCESS, but that STILL DIDN'T STOP HIS DETERMINED LOVE. That fact by itself is admirable.
...
I also kept that bit about the Greek word for "fellow disciples" because it autotranslates to "classmates" and that has a depth of sweetness to it.

" Too much has been made of Thomas's skepticism and criticism. He was one who wanted visible, tangible evidence; but he was prepared to act impulsively, and to give powerful expression to his faith, whenever the evidence was granted. In John 14:5 he was still in the dark, but it was not an evil darkness. How could he know, with the clearness which his mind naturally desiderated, whither our Lord was going? No brainless or heartless unbelief led him to ask, "How can we know the way?" At last (John 20:24, etc.), when he wanted ocular, personal, tangible evidence of the resurrection of Jesus, and absented himself in deep melancholy from the company of the eleven, it is clear that his soul was READY for the full manifestation. Before he could have put his finger into the print of the nails, he exclaimed, with adoring gratitude, "MY LORD AND MY GOD!" His hesitation and his conviction, WITH his superlative ecstatic cry, form the culminating point of the Gospel."
Lynne & Jay discussing this on the drive home. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." Thomas had no worldly hope, nothing earthly, he only had a determined love for Jesus; Jay said but that very love held the germ of divine hope?
...

...All right,  I don't know who's been typing these, but they've been cut off from the System all afternoon, and it's fueling addictive behavior depression.  I don't know why overly-religious speech does that without fail, but it does. It somehow defeats its own purpose--  It cuts itself off from both faith and love and just becomes a rambling fool. Platitudes & plastic smiles. Greeting card Scripture. There's no ability to hurt or weep or wonder. It's just self-satisfied babble. It needs to stop.

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0924


ODE devotionals = WRITE ABOUT LATER. Love of Christ AND offering up dryness??? Both monumental realizations.
Other two as well = sadistic glee makes sinner feel "good & special" in contrast; Peter tried to "follow Christ, but at a distance" to save skin, inevitably denied Christ when crisis hit = there is NO "middle ground" to discipleship

VOTD such a powerful verse. Very inspiring translations.
Great blessings belong to those whose thoughts are pure. They will be with God.
Mt. 5:8 ERV
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Matthew 5:8 MSG
“Blessed [anticipating God’s presence, spiritually mature] are the pure in heart [those with integrity, moral courage, and godly character], for they will see God.
Mat 5:8 AMP
“What bliss you experience when your heart is full of innocence! For then your eyes will open to progressively see more and more of God.
Matthew 5:8 TPT (+notes)
“Da peopo dat go all out fo God inside, Dey can stay good inside Cuz dey goin see God.
Matthew 5:8 HPB
Honestly the Beatitudes are SO RICH.

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DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

⭐This is the last day that I'm going to be reading all of these. I've realized that THIS hyper-achiever stupidity of doing like six reading plans at once is just shredding my concentration and keeping me from getting any real benefit from any of them.
I am going to stop all of them but one, maybe two, so I can continue to focus on studying John's Gospel without distraction. 
(I actually Googled the identity one I wanted to stick with and apparently it's from a BOOK. So that makes things even easier)


"it’s only God who will fulfil those desires, and it’s only in the act of rejoicing in God that we will find our bitterness soothed. It’s not that delighting in God will bring us the stuff we want, but the one thing we need, which is more of God. And God’s treasures are often found in the greatest of poverty, negating the distortion that we will only be satisfied with more stuff or more acclaim."
Poverty of earthly things is such a fascinating blessing, because-- when met spiritually!-- it becomes a foundation for immense spiritual benefits, but inevitably with immense worldly suffering. It brings untouchable joy, but also great temporal miseries. It is ALWAYS BOTH, because of the fallen world it occurs in, and originates from, but that very fact ALSO makes it more glorious because God loves to lavish "countercultural" graces.
...

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DAILY READINGS AT MASS =
(from Universalis)

"God’s ways are utterly different from human thinking. In many ways it is comforting to think that God is not like ourselves. One reason why we cling to God is to be liberated from ourselves and to be brought into his marvellous light, living a life freed from the restrictions, frustrations and self-centeredness that surrounds and penetrates us. Obviously God does not have our faults of selfishness, laziness, malice, lust and greed. More than that, not being bodily or limited in any way, God does not plan or think like ourselves. God does not think things out, with ‘Yes’ and ‘No’, working in concepts or sentences. God does not laboriously plan what to do, weighing consequences, advantages and disadvantages! Even our love is always tinged with self-interest and concern for ourselves. God’s love is entirely generous and out-going, a limitless cascade of love, deluging and penetrating each of us."
And THAT is what makes HIM God, NOT US. That's also why I despise this "self-divinization" mindset so many "psychedelic seekers" and even "modern pagans" have. Most "unorganized religions," especially those critical of Christianity, have this preoccupation with "man becoming God," with some "collective cosmic consciousness" being the real "heaven" and similar things. That's what Jade always rambles on about.  But I don't believe it, and this commentary on Isaiah is why. WE ARE INHERENTLY HUMAN. WE DID NOT CREATE OURSELVES. WE ARE SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL DEATH AND INTELLECTUAL ERROR. WE DO NOT LOVE AS GOD LOVES. For Jade to laughingly chatter about all her "mystical wisdom" and "knowledge of mysteries" gained through drug trips & extended meditations, BUT to instantly snap into a grimdark homicidal fury if you accidentally misgender her-- let's just say I don't agree with her opinion that she is a space goddess temporarily incarnate & eventually rising up to become "the creative deity of a future generation of man." I dealt with enough of that in Salt Lake City, from BOTH the Mormons AND the New-Agers. It's not the whole truth. It's a funhouse mirror. It's a power trip of pride, framed in physics & shamanism & intellectual elitism, appealing to the "truth seekers" and kicking the common man into the dust. Yes, Jade IS homeless, and has a history of poverty & illicit substance use & similar depraved activities... and yet she still sees herself as literally superhuman. The worst part for me is that she seems to believe that, yes, EVERYONE can ideally reach this level of enlightenment... but they need to go through the gnostic inauguration first. Et cetera. Psychedelics and secret Egyptian texts and breath exercises and Naruto hand signs. At the risk of sounding bigoted, it all strikes me as, ultimately, pitiful & ridiculous.
Christ gives us a better way. His thoughts are not our thoughts.
...
WE NEED TO BE SAVED. I WANT EVERYONE TO BE SAVED.
JADE AND HER KINDRED DON'T BELIEVE IN SIN OR SALVATION.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO WEEP IN INDIGNATION.
They're all heading down that gilded path to hell, solely because they think they already merit heaven-- better, that they can CREATE it OF THEMSELVES-- while still acting in a shamefully mortal manner.
...They've lost the actual criteria for divinity. They don't know Jesus, and so they DON'T know what it means to be divine, let alone WHO the only true Divinity IS.
...

"In the case of the weak sheep, it is to be feared that the temptation, when it comes, may break him. The sick person, however, is already ill by reason of some illicit desire or other, and this is keeping him from entering God’s path and submitting to Christ’s yoke. There are men who want to live a good life and have already decided to do so, but are not capable of bearing sufferings even though they are ready to do good. Now it is a part of the Christian’s strength not only to do good works but also to endure evil. Weak men are those who appear to be zealous in doing good works but are unwilling or unable to endure the sufferings that threaten. Lovers of the world, however, who are kept from good works by some evil desire, lie sick and listless, and it is this sickness that deprives them of any strength to accomplish good works."
...That's our current shame, our biggest one. In awful ironic contrast to our past-- or perhaps, in revealing the true vice beneath the facade-- we are, in our current era of life, TERRIBLY AFRAID of suffering??? Honestly, look at the "allergy panic" alone! Look at how afraid we are to leave the house! Look at how reticent we suddenly are to do prayer vigils and extra mortifications!
WE'VE BECOME A COWARD. AND I AM VERY ANGRY ABOUT IT.
...Still, that shocks me. It feels like that anger, and the cowardice, have the SAME ROOT-- PRIDE. It's anger at not being the bravest, toughest, strongest man in the room. It's cowardice at the possibility of falling short of that swaggering ideal, and so revealing our womanly ineptitude.
...

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BIBLE STUDY =

"He that believeth on me, though he die, yet shall he live. In these words he identifies the "life" with the transfiguration of the bodily life. The grand method of this blessed life is faith. The life which is the condition and ground of resurrection is the natural consequence of a faith which accepts Christ, and identifies itself with him. In such cases, so-called "death" is veritable "life." The life of faith will survive the shock of death, [for] faith is eternal life: death is only a momentary shadow upon a life which is far better. Whether the corruption of the grave passes over the believer or not, he lives an eternal life, which has no element of death nor proclivity to death in it. So far the Lord is lifting Martha to a higher experience of life and a comparative in difference to death."
Would you believe I honestly had NO IDEA WHAT "ETERNAL LIFE" ACTUALLY WAS until I started studying John's Gospel, and especially this very chapter? This is NEW for me. I'm technically a "cradle Catholic" and NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME THIS. So I actually feel giddy and scared all at once, like a child, discovering this astoundingly hope-filled truth for the first time.
So that's why I'm posting all of this stuff. Its not just "interesting information"; it's not just "essential doctrine"; it's literally CHANGING MY WHOLE LIFE, RIGHT NOW. It isn't theory; It's not learning about how lungs work-- It's the ACTUAL BREATHING. You get the picture.

""Believest thou that the Resurrection-- which I am and which I give-- can thus transform for thee the whole meaning of death?" The fullness of life after death is assured in virtue of the resurrection which Christ could effect at any moment, and will eventually effect for all. This life of which Christ speaks may be the life which is the consequence of the resurrection of man effected in the Incarnation, or this life may be the condition of "resurrection" and sufficient proof that, if a man receive the resurrection by faith, he is free from all the curse of physical death, and assured of a perfect victory over it... the "never die" may refer to spiritual death, overlooking physical death altogether."
I'm mulling over that distinction because, REGARDLESS of faith in Christ, ALL OF HUMANITY WILL EVENTUALLY BE RESURRECTED in the Last Judgment! HOWEVER!!! Not all of those resurrected to life will have ETERNAL life-- ONLY those who have been UNITED WITH CHRIST by faith
...
What shocks my mind is the SPIRITUAL DISTINCTION of life & death, since "death" is ONLY THE RESULT OF SIN and DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST IN TRUTH.
...
DEATH IS THE "CESSATION OF LIFE " but GOD IS LIFE and He is Neverending-- He is ETERNAL. So the ONLY way to "die" spiritually is to be CUT OFF FROM GOD. And that is hell. BUT YOU'RE NOT "DEAD" THERE in the way a body dies!! You're CONSCIOUS. You're just DEAD IN SPIRIT. And that is REAL "DEATH."
There is no escape to the "peace of death" in a spiritual sense. That very phrase is illusory if it refers to anything but Heaven. Death is not "oblivion."
...


""Wailing" is often the regulated expression of professional grief; "weeping" the irresistible burst of personal sorrow. The first may be violent and obtrusive, the other silent and pathetic... the contrast between hypocritical or professional tears and genuine emotion, between profound affliction and simulated grief."
THIS EXPLAINS OUR KNEEJERK AVERSION TO TEARS!!!
Growing up, NO ONE WEPT. In our house, there was ONLY WAILING. It was theatrical, excessive, and deeply disturbing.
...I think I've only EVER seen our mother weep ONCE. It was so shockingly incongruous for her, it shook me to the bone. It was recent, too-- within the past two years. I remember she was sitting at the kitchen table at the homestead. She had been talking to us, honestly, about her fears of the future, her stressful job, and-- especially-- the horrible loneliness of her impending orphanhood. And she actually wept. She covered her face and cried. She looked so much like a helpless child. It broke our heart.
Deep down, that instant completely changed how we saw her from then on. We suddenly grasped the full weight of her mortality & humanity. We grew up a lot in that moment.
...

"Martha's language is another singular illustration of the desire on her part to give a certain kind of advice and direction to our Lord, as though he might be the wiser and better for her monitions.
Ouch. We do this. Its a weird fear that He will otherwise do something painful, frightening, humiliating, troublesome, etc. "But Lord, please consider..." Do you think He hasn't?

"She puts one more arrest, as it would seem, upon the free act and love of Jesus."
...this one hurts even more.
I need to sit with this one.
How was her protest an arrest? Was it simply because it implied that she feared He didn't consider the stench and would be so offended, it would injure His fond view of them, or dampen His love for them?
Did she not believe that He would be willing to even look upon Lazarus in his corrupt state, let alone resurrect him? Was she trying to spare Him the horror? Was she trying to protect the reputations of both Jesus and Lazarus, by warning them of the hidden death-cloud that would scandalize such an atmosphere of tender friendship and grief?
I'm obviously speaking for myself here, with all ashamed sincerity. If I pause, and put myself in her position directly, the outburst is entirely from shame. I'm ashamed OF the offensive odor reaching our Lord’s pure senses, and of it even being associated with my dead sibling. I want to deny the reality of the death, in a sense. I don't want to face the horrors of it, the continuing effects that I cannot reverse and do not want in my awareness, let alone my memory.
...
"It is Martha's sisterly love getting the better of her submission to her Master's order."
This is another take, for me at least. Both are legit, but this is a needed chastisement because I CANNOT be so consistently self-centered with my interpretations.
...OR, Is it because I have so little actual sympathy, that I WILL NOT see my loved ones as "sick," let alone "in the tomb?" I'm not even AT this point with Martha, except with myself. I'm the only one who I see as dead & putrefied. Everyone else... I insist they're in perfect health. I'm too scared to even consider otherwise.
Is that a sin? I fear it is. In trying to avoid "being judgmental" or "offending others" or "forcing my beliefs on people", am I also avoiding genuine concern for the health of their souls? But I have no right to judge. Nevertheless, I have Scripture. I can hold IT up as warning, and instruction, and hope, right? I can keep my disgusting self out of it.
...
I don't think I've cared up to this point, because I didn't care about myself. I saw myself as four days dead, beyond all hope, putrid. So how could d I even conceptualize hope for anyone else?
Geez i didn't even know what my OWN RELIGION TAUGHT until like 2020. I didn't even understand what ETERNAL LIFE even WAS until THIS MONTH!!!!
Until now, what else could I say at the tomb? I couldn't stop seeing my own corpse long enough to think of others.
...


"The characterization of her as "the sister of the dead" man is not needed for identification, but rather to explain or justify her intrusion upon the solemn, stately direction of the Lord. She shrank from such an exposure of the body of her beloved brother, as an unnecessary act, since he was only to rise at the last day, or to be regarded by his faith in Christ before his death as having already passed from death and through death into a new life. She must have relinquished at that moment all hope of resurrection of the body of Lazarus there and then: ἤδη ὄζει, "he already stinketh.""
I read this and immediately thought, "isn't that how we treat the condition of our own afflicted soul?" We try to paint over our despair with clichéd hopes: "oh, in the end God will make everything work out somehow!" Or "the pain will stop when I get to heaven, right?' But no. I can't be vague with this.
We fear the exposure of our body as a rotting corpse. Yeah, we have heard Christ promise a resurrection, and we believe it-- but it's a cold belief, sometimes, off in the distant future. How long do we have to stink until then?
...
"Lazarus was a type also of one dead in trespasses and sins-- one whose habits of trespass and bondage to evil seem to forbid all renewal."
We're not in CNC or SLC anymore. We're not in UPMC anymore. We're not fighting hackers anymore. We're in a better mindset than we've EVER been before, in our ENTIRE LIFE.
So WHY do we STILL feel like we're in the tomb? Did we ever take off the bandages?


" "Jesus lifted up his eyes," i.e. to heaven - to that sublime symbol of the infinite activity of God, which surrounds us day and night, and which is in numerous religious systems made a type and image of the Divine Being himself; nor does our modern conception of the universe dethrone it from this high place."
Oh my gosh I never realized that. The "heavens" ISN'T just the blue sky & clouds. It's freakin' OUTER SPACE.
The more we learn about space, the more awestruck we are by the infinite creativity of God. It's actually existentially terrifying to see at times, haha. Everything is MACROCOSMIC. It dwarfs everything we can readily comprehend, in not only size & distance, but also TIME.
...
When Jesus lifted up His eyes to pray, He was SPECIFICALLY looking up into literally MILLIONS OF GALAXIES and BILLIONS OF YEARS stretching on for measures without measure-- and the God, the ONLY GOD, Who created ALL of it by a Word, was HIS FATHER... and JESUS HIMSELF WAS THAT WORD.
That's stunning. Glimpsing THAT as He worked this miracle... what a testimony to His love of humankind!!! What is mortal man, that You should care for him? What are we frail specks amidst infinite skies, that You should love us enough to defeat death for us? Even the stars die, but... You call US to eternal life, with You, the Word that calls Life out of the grave. What a thought. What a reality.
...


"But surely there is some reason for the thanksgiving. The stone is lifted, or removed; there lies the corpse, but no dank sepulchral vapor issues from it; rather some sign is given that prayer offered by Christ had been already heard, and that death has not made the havoc with the frame which would otherwise have occurred."
WHAT??? WHAT SERIOUSLY??? HOW DID I MISS THAT???
I... does this mean that, in Christ, we are... we're better than Schrodinger's cat, dude, we're dead but we're alive. Its EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID. "The person who believes in me, even though he dies, will live." IT'S NOT A DISTANT FUTURE. It's literally RIGHT NOW; Life is ALWAYS in the PRESENT. If we feel dead in sin, hopeless, gone too far, BUT CHRIST HAS PRAYED FOR US, then already, already... if we have faith in Him Who intercedes for us, Who embraces ALL of time and space, then... "you will not let your beloved know decay." Somehow, I BELIEVE, the worst will not, CANNOT, happen. "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me." THE PRAYER OF CHRIST IS ALWAYS HEARD. Death is defeated EVEN IN THE TOMB. The Resurrection was never a "maybe." Christ is VICTORIOUS from the BEGINNING OF ETERNITY. And once we unite our poor hearts to His, HE BECOMES OUR VICTORY TOO.
Sorry. I'm becoming incoherent. That just... slammed into me.
This whole time, this entire life... it has NEVER been as bad as I feared. Ever. Even on the worst nights, when I swore death was about to devour me... Christ was praying for me. FROM THE CROSS. He knew I was in the tomb, but although He tarried, He had already prayed for me. He already DETERMINED to raise me-- AFTER FOUR DAYS DEAD. BUT those four days DIDN'T DESTROY ME as everyone assumed. We all braced for the stench, avoiding the grave. But Christ had no such hesitation, no such fear. He knew what God willed to do here. He KNEW His POWER of unstoppable LIFE. And there was no stench of death.
Maybe there was, before Christ appeared on scene. That's entirely reasonable to suggest. But it only glorifies Him all the more. It shows that even a moldering corpse was not beyond His Compassionate care. That corpse belonged to a soul that HAD FAITH..  and so it already lived, in Him. He WAS Life. There had ALWAYS been hope.
I'm burned out. No more typing. Just feel this more. Let it sink in. Words fail me.


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0925

YOUVERSION DAILIES=

"Blessed are the peaceMAKERS." You ENTER the fray TO defuse the bombs!! ACTIVE, NOT PASSIVE.
Also NO JUDGING OTHERS. Gutting conviction.
"How can you be a peacemaker? I can let go of a judgmental attitude toward people I don't fully understand. I can let go of bitterness, and show forgiveness to someone. I can focus on what brings people together instead of what pulls us apart."
...we fail miserably at ALL OF THAT.
WHICH MEANS WE CANNOT RIGHTLY BE CALLED A CHILD OF GOD.
THAT IS UTTERLY TERRIFYING.
Work on this NOW. Laser focus on it. PRIORITIZE this in prayer & action & thought.
Here, take this entire devotional =
"One look at the world around us and it’s clear: peace isn't going to make itself. Nations are warring and people are fighting and arguing. You may even have some personal relationships filled with bitterness and contempt. Thankfully, we can lean into Jesus’ wisdom in the seventh beatitude:
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9 NIV
Let's be clear: peacemaking is different from peacekeeping. In fact, Jesus assured us that as long as we're on this earth, we will face trouble. There will be chaos, division, misunderstandings, and a need for making peace. And that is why peacemaking requires action. It compels us out of our comfortable bubbles. But for those who are willing to step into the tender space of making peace, here are some thoughts to help you lead the way:
Peacemakers lead the way with humility. None of us are perfect and we all need grace. None of us are God, but we all need Him. Leading with a posture of humility is key.
Peacemakers lead the way with empathy. Even when we disagree with someone, respectfully listening and seeking to understand their perspective is essential for making peace.
Peacemakers lead the way with truth and grace. Any time Jesus interacted with people, He did so with both truth and grace. We must have both to accurately represent Him.
Peacemakers lead the way to the feet of Jesus. Apart from Him, we can do nothing. Apart from Him, we are nothing. When we realize our mutual brokenness, as well as our mutual need for Christ, everything can change.
Seeking to be a mediator for those in disagreement doesn't mean that every problem will be solved— immediately or ever. But when we invite God into those spaces and commit to the hard work of peacemaking, God can do more than we can imagine."
Remember-- our model for peacemaking is JESUS-- Who made peace between heaven & earth THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE CROSS!!!!! (Colossians 1:20) THAT'S WHAT GOD MEANS BY TRUE PEACEMAKING-- IT IS COMPASSIONATE & SACRIFICIAL TO THE UTMOST, FOR SHEER LOVE OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED.
⭐EPHESIANS 2:14 too!


Specific conflicts i need to make peace in, by God's grace =
With mom, as we said today
With Jade
With FEMININITY as a concept
With WOMEN as a reality
With "new age" people
(Add more. Be brutally honest)


Kid's devotional = Jonah 1:17 and God PROVIDING the whale??? "God ARRANGED FOR the fish to swallow Jonah."
Key phrasing!! IT WASN'T RANDOM.
"Sometimes God's plan comes in unexpected ways and that unexpected times. But we serve a good God, so we can trust that whatever His plan is, it's a good one, no matter how crazy it seems."
DUDE I LOVE THAT.

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BIBLE STUDY =

"Christ denounced ritualism, literalism, and [human] tradition, and laid emphasis on moral law... he cleansed the temple of the priestly bazaar, and he rebuked the secular conceptions of Messianic glory."
I feel I'm still guilty of that first part. My religious practice admittedly has WAY too much whiteknuckled grip on ritual, thanks OCD, and I do still get very "literal" paranoia about "good & bad," even "clean & unclean" at its worst.
Same with family tradition? I think. It's so close to ritual. But it becomes obligatory, out of moral fear, and misses the deeper motivation in the process.
...


"This is the very climax of their perversity. They have resolved on the death-penalty. The sentence has been recorded against the Holiest. Priesthood and prophecy have pronounced their final verdict. They have extinguished themselves."
There's so much OBSTINATE HATRED here it's disturbing.
That last line is what scared me most. God didn't "do anything" apparently catastrophic to destroy them. Their OWN FREE CHOICE to act against God effectively put them in hell ALREADY. It's the EXACT OPPOSITE OF LAZARUS. He died physically, but lived spiritually, because He had faith in Christ. These religious elites refused faith in Christ, and so although they were alive physically-- and were going to dastardly lengths TO stay alive-- they were rotting corpse spiritually. They were already dead inside, having RESOLVED to stand against God, having RECORDED the decision. They snuffed out what little light they had, by their own hands-- they extinguished themselves. God didn't "kill them,"  THEY DID IT THEMSELVES. This is an awful warning for today's society too. The death that results from our OWN refusal or resistance to God is scarier than any physical death He can bring upon us. God doesn't kill the soul. He cannot kill life: He IS Life. But WE CAN REJECT IT BY REJECTING HIM. People need to realize the eternally fatal consequences of their blasphemous choices.
...
AND YET..
"Nevertheless, that which proved the occasion of their malice became a further proof of his Divine goodness and superhuman claims."
God is still Good-- ALWAYS and in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES and AGAINST ALL ODDS.
...


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POST THESE SEPARATELY AND STOP SCATTERING YOUR FOCUS LIKE THIS. THIS IS THE SAME COMPULSION AS TUMBLR & SCREENCAP HOARDING. YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY REAL PROGRESS. YOU'RE JUST RUSHING THROUGH & CHECKING BOXES. IT'S INTELLECTUAL PRIDE CHOKED BY FEAR OF FALLING BEHIND. GIVE IT UP ALREADY. SIMPLIFY. STOP TRYING TO BE A SUPERMAN. IT'S ONLY PULLING YOU AWAY FROM THAT QUIET SERENE CENTER OF FOCUS WHERE YOU CAN HEAR GOD. ALL YOU'RE DOING WITH THIS HYPERPOSTING IS MAKING NOISE. STOP.

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"As members of the Body of Christ, most of us treasure our community of friends. We are tribal people, after all. God made us this way. Very few of us are called to be hermits, living in solitude and praying alone in a small cell every day. But even Carthusian monks who elect this eremitic life gather regularly for a long three- or four-hour walk (their spatiamentum), during which they can speak freely with one another and strengthen their fraternal bonds of friendship. They also have times of communal prayer, where they join their hearts, minds, and voices to praise God in worship before they return in silence to their solitary lives. To remove community from individuals can be devastating..."
TELL THAT TO THE HYPERRELIGIOUS FONI WHO KEEP TRYING TO KILL US, PLEASE!!!!!
...

"A core principle of Catholic social teaching is the principle of solidarity, and the Church presents Jesus of Nazareth as the “unsurpassed apex” of this principle. He is “one with humanity even to the point of ‘death on a cross,’” and he “takes on the infirmities of his people, walks with them, saves them and makes them one.” (Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, 196). There should be no loneliness in the Body of Christ, no “feeling of vague compassion or shallow distress at the misfortunes of so many people, both near and far. On the contrary, [there should be] a firm and persevering determination to commit oneself to the common good. That is to say to the good of all and of each individual, because we are all really responsible for all.” Those are the words of St. John Paul II in his encyclical Sollicitudo Rei Socialis (38), in which he encourages us to take responsibility for the integral development of all people.
Yes, we are all really responsible for all. The strong for the weak, and the weak for the strong; the rich for the poor, and the poor for the rich; those strong in mind and body for those who are impaired and vice versa. That is the model for a community that understands the responsibilities that Jesus has given us in his Church. We all know this intellectually. Living it is a challenge."
THAT'S HOW OUR SYSTEM HAS TO LIVE, TOO.


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(CLICK FOR PART THREE)