not enough space

[prismaticbleed]

Superquick, supertiny update just so you kids know what's going on:

As of Saturday, JADE IS STAYING AT OUR APARTMENT.

We offered as she literally had nowhere to sleep and it was breaking our heart. So she has our bed for two weeks now, haha. She's enjoying it.
We're snoozing on the couch, which is a weirdly adventurous thing, small as it is. It's a total break in routine.

HOWEVER.
Due to this "24/7 social mode trigger" caused by another physical entity in the immediate vicinity, our mental health is going DOWN THE TUBES.
The eating disorder is coming back, we're getting brain zaps as well as fog, we're self-abusing again, someone was even BITING THE ARM today. That hasn't happened in YEARS.

Nevertheless. We're keeping it all quiet. We're hiding the blood and gently trying to set boundaries and focusing entirely on making sure Jade is comfortable and sleeping and eating well and basically just not having to be in survival mode for a while.

We made, literally, 33 PHONE CALLS the other day trying to find her an apartment, or a shelter, or anything.
Let me tell you, if you want to get very angry very fast, just try to find help for a homeless person in this area, when they're both trans* and neurodivergent. I STILL don't know how we never ended up literally homeless, with all the close calls we had.
Regardless, that's why we're doing all we can for Jade right now. We know how awful it is, at least a little. And even if we didn't, we're a Christian and we're a System devoted to love and BOTH those things dovetail into the corporal works of mercy, so here we are sharing our apartment until halfway through June.


We've been praying for this.

I'm serious. We know God hears AND answers every prayer, on His own time, and ALWAYS for the ultimate good of our soul.
Well, we've been praying every single night for weeks now, desperate and helpless, for... for this, unexpectedly.
We rarely have specific requests for ourself. It's usually a tearful painful "God please just make us a better person," etc.
But... after Infi died, the prayers got more pointed. We began to pray for a reset. We WANTED to "break," for something to happen that would MAKE the System hard reset and come back better, at long last-- we prayed for something to happen that WOULD "shatter headspace" into more rainbow splinters, like when the Underground opened up. If God wanted it too, then please, we WANT MORE OF US. We lost so many people after CNC, it's ruining us. Headspace is still a complete disaster zone, unfixable. So we've been praying for God to do something about it. Rebuild it, please, somehow, if You want. If not... well, it's in Your Hands. Just... please, do something major. Give us a milestone to mark. Give us a CHANGE in our life, to finally make us a NEW PERSON, to CAUSE A CORE SHIFT, to begin a new era of headspace that is CENTERED ON FAITH.
We're so tired of living an empty life. We want the adventure that comes from following the Holy Spirit against all odds. We want a life that we won't regret living-- we want to live a GOOD life, full of love and service and compassion and joy, things we've long lost and are begging to be graced with again.

And then this situation happened.

We're being actively challenged in every respect, and ALL in answer to our prayers. I don't know how else to articulate it at this hour but believe me, I can FEEL something changing in us. Even-- no, especially-- with the difficulties, that are highlighting our weaknesses and pressure points, I KNOW that if something snaps or cracks, IT'S GOING TO WAKE US UP MORE. And God please we need that, I even WANT that, I want to have LOVE on the inside again, I want to have COLOR, I want to have US, as richly as possible, this kaleidoscope of a soul is just broken glass without the light of love and we're still missing so many pieces--

Two weeks. Oh it's going to be difficult, as far as mental health goes. It's exhausting, it's overwhelming, it's physically painful. I don't care. We are not going to make our sister suffer just because we're a nutcase. We'll do whatever God calls us to do. It's only two weeks, and you KNOW that when it's over you'll wish it wasn't, because that's when it'll hit you just how much grace was in the suffering.
Love is suffering, remember. And you KNOW what that really means, so tell the hyperreligious sadists to shut up.

...That... that's what Laurie's about, remember that too. Pain and love, and the real inherent bond between them.

On that note, yes she's standing right behind my left shoulder as usual waiting for me to go to sleep for heaven's sakes, and honestly I should.
That's something we haven't done in a while, is just... headspace nights. Coreroom nights. Me and her and Chaos 0 and Genesis and Xenophon and... one who's missing.
I keep praying for hir, too. God bring hir back new, if You will it. Give hir a new life. Give me one too. Can't have one without the other.
So... we're on our way, I hope. To something, at least. It's all in God's hands, and I can rest in that.


All right now it's after 2, and even if Laurie wasn't silently threatening me I need to log off, because this body was very sick and stressed today and the poor thing needs to rest.

But hey! Spontaneous small update! We do have phone notes but I'll add them in later.
Right now we need sleep.


Last thing. Something no one has been praying about for inexplicable reasons... is our infamous, recurring, tragic "relationship instability" with Chaos 0. It's ironic, because he's fidelity to the very heart, but the Cores like 'myself'... we get hit by religious shame, and fearful numbness, and cold apathy, and trauma terror, etc. We bury the love. But note that. We bury it. It's something extant. It's not missing. It never was.
Pray about this. Don't you dare leave him out of it. When you pray, pray that your relationship with him will be healed, and enlightened, and soaked through with so much compassion that your heart will feel like a rose garden. Pray for your daughter. Pray for the wisdom to know where 'I' stand in relation to both her and him. Please. Pray for answers, pray for healing, pray for restoration, pray for love.
I am so tired of being the cause of suffering in their hearts. Please, Lord, let me bring healing in reparation at last. Please.
Deep down I want to be in love. I'll admit that. I want what I lost, the truth of it, despite the trauma that surrounded it. Why did losing the trauma make me lose my love? What happened, Lord? Please show me. Show me what I need to know, to make this relationship into what YOU want it to be, because You know that nothing else in the world lights my heart up like this, except Yourself, because You ARE the Love I feel within it.
But that's the point too. You tell me I'm not supposed to "cut people off" and pretend it's religious fervor. You tell me I NEED to have relationships because YOU ARE a relationship, and You want one with me, too.
I'm losing my coherence. I apologize. I'm trying too hard to talk, now. It's losing its sincerity.
Bring Chaos 0 and I back together, please, without this wall between our hearts. Make me fire again, not ice. Enable me to love again. Please, take away this fear I have of getting close to him, of feeling anything for him, for anyone. Fix my heart, Lord. Make it like Yours.
...I surrender this to You. There's nothing else I can do. Please save me from this feeling of suffocating shame and self-loathing. I can't do it myself. And for the record, PLEASE help me know who my "self" even is, as the Core here, if I'm even supposed to be that. Heal my identity, so I can interact with others. Fix my name, fix my face, fix my color... heal my existence. I want to love again. That's my prayer.



All right, now I need to sleep. There's too much else I could say and it's 230. We'll be sleeping until noon at this point.

See you again soon, kids, God willing. Every new morning is a blessing.