the spectrum heart cathedral system

DEC 27TH?

theijeoma:

I am aware of it, the very many ways to die. I am aware of the darkness but i am more aware of the light. I am aware of the falling but i am also aware of the flight. I have known the lows but i have tasted the highs. I am aware of the scars that run through my heart but i am also aware of the few souls who have held my heart and stitched me back. I know the many reasons to drag myself into despair but i know many other reasons to hold myself towards the light. The living is for those alive and i know we must believe in our souls to push forward. I believe in pushing forward and I believe in fighting for my life.

Yellow,
Ijeoma.

#me #i adore this #text #innerlife #this cuts straight to the heart #remember this #very relevant right now #to the system with love

-----------------------------

DEC 27TH?

Song of the night.

I love this performance, it’s so sweet.

I hope you all had a merry Christmas!

#song of the night #music #rod stewart #let it snow! let it snow! let it snow! #honestly it's 70 degrees over here we could use a blizzard right about now #youtube #video #i love this so much #rod steward has one of my favorite musical voices #i'm very fond of that sort of soft-scratchy tone #the sheer simple happiness in this performance makes me smile so much #i want to be this man

------------------------------------------

DEC 7TH

sleep-san:

the galaxy in your eyes @ therealgonzoldyck

#this looks JUST LIKE ME #personal aesthetic #eyes #art

---------------------------------

NOV 27?

lavncelot1:

dictionary poem iv by mica k

#poetry #this is so relevant it hurts #me and infi #i adore this #innerlife

-----------------------------------

NOV 17TH?



#gif #i love this so much #this is really pulling at my heart #it feels like waking up inside a dream #or coming back into fronting from a headspace meditation #personal aesthetic

-------------------------------

NOV 17?

❝the divine is full of monsters;

incandescent giants who lick their gold teeth,
whose mouths are full of crumbling cities, who breathe
death and fire and revelation and madness while
diamonds crack like splinters of bone between their gums

their whims are carved in stone, sand, pillars of salt
their feathers sticky with luminescent blood, their fingers
thunderous with creation, lightning in their eyes
that crackles and hisses from every direction of the sky

the divine is not static and humane; the divine does not play nice.

they will eat everything you are.

they will leave you reformed in a roar of light, peel away layers of you like birth
and with a saint’s conviction you will know that nothing feels more like luxury,
better to be blinded by brilliance than close your eyes to awe-

for your lips are always being kissed.

your mouth is champagne roses. you will eat lotuses. your lungs are perfumed and
your bones will blossom into stars. your blood is wine and you are clothed in light;

your skin threshed wheatlike until the gold of you shines.❞

 

- natasza stark, “anchorite” (via anexpansionlikegold)

#quote #FAVORITE #poetry #this is my favorite poem of all time #hence my blog title #now you know #innerlife #i adore this

------------------------------

NOV 17?

revolutionariess:

characters that go through hell yet still believe in the goodness of humanity, still hope for the best despite everything, refuse to let darkness consume them because someone somewhere is always going to be good are literally my favourite, because they give me that little hope too

#i want this to define the very essence of my soul #words to live by #innerlife #gpoy

----------------------

OCT 27?

Song of the night.

#song of the night #music #it never entered my mind #george shearing #instrumental #i love this song #it's such a lovely delicate shining thing #it sounds like sunlight coming in through the windows when you wake up #like heartache and hope painted gold together #this sounds like our deepest purest heart way before all the hacker trauma #never forget that feeling #spectrum songs

-----------------------

OCT 27?

jwll:

I can’t do well when I think you’re going to leave me
But I know I try.
Are you going to leave me now?
Can’t you be believing now?

This video means a lot to me, and this moment in particular (2:16) feels like me in a very real way.

#me #Empire Of The Sun #also that location has been a very beloved part of headspace for about 4 years now #music #video #youtube

----------------------

OCT 24

mindingsherlockbiz:

yay a comic... some of this got really messy :\ but in a way I kind of like it. 

#laurie this is us #really lovely actually #fanart #i'm not in this fandom but i've seen enough of it to be fond of it nevertheless

 

-------------------------

OCT 24

voryn-dagoth:

whats better than this: gods being divines

#i'm not in this fandom either but #this is glorious #i think about this CONSTANTLY #gpoy #humor #fanart #me and infi

---------------------------

OCT 24

❝ My brother once showed me a piece of quartz that contained, he said, some trapped water older than all the seas in our world. He held it up to my ear. ‘Listen,’ he said, ‘life and no escape.’ ❞

- Anne Carson, Plainwater

#i will never not love this #favorite #chaos this is for you darling

-------------------------------

OCT 23

starlightholly: A silver crystal replica made from Swarovski Crystal. I bought this online, it lights up with an LED stand beneath it, and looks oh so magical! It’s a must have for any Sailor Moon collector.

#ME #OH MY LORD #talk about personal relevance all over the place #sailor moon did have quite the impact on us you know #lotus #crystals #iridescent #personal aesthetic #i love this #I NEED THIS #I want to eat this #what a fun series of tags oh boy #favorite #innerlife

-----------------------------

OCTOBER 23RD

"When Van Gogh was a young man in his early twenties, he was in London studying to be a clergyman. He had no thought of being an artist at all. he sat in his cheap little room writing a letter to his younger brother in Holland, whom he loved very much. He looked out his window at a watery twilight, a thin lamppost, a star, and he said in his letter something like this: “it is so beautiful I must show you how it looks.” And then on his cheap ruled note paper, he made the most beautiful, tender, little drawing of it.

When I read this letter of Van Gogh’s it comforted me very much and seemed to throw a clear light on the whole road of Art. Before, I thought that to produce a work of painting or literature, you scowled and thought long and ponderously and weighed everything solemnly and learned everything that all artists had ever done aforetime, and what their influences and schools were, and you were extremely careful about *design* and *balance* and getting *interesting planes* into your painting, and avoided, with the most astringent severity, showing the faintest *academical* tendency, and were strictly modern. And so on and so on.

But the moment I read Van Gogh’s letter I knew what art was, and the creative impulse. It is a feeling of love and enthusiasm for something, and in a direct, simple, passionate and true way, you try to show this beauty in things to others, by drawing it.

And Van Gogh’s little drawing on the cheap note paper was a work of art because he loved the sky and the frail lamppost against it so seriously that he made the drawing with the most exquisite conscientiousness and care."

- Brenda Ueland, If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit

#this is one of my all-time favorite posts and i want it on my blog #i adore this #favorite #text post #van gogh #art #every time i read this i tear up a little #the utterly fragile sincerity of it is like #a single glass flower balanced gently on the edge of my heart #or something along those lines #it is so beautiful i must show you how it looks #that is why i am an artist #nothing more nothing less #god bless #remember this

-------------------------------------------------

OCT 23RD

shuuzaar:

Goretober #10: Blood Bath

a bit messy but im tired of working on it so have it

my mesmer going through a tough time of his life hah

  #oh i love this #gpoy #blood #butterflies #resonant imagery #innerlife #this is one of those pictures that feels almost EXACTLY like me

---------------------------------------------------

OCT 22

scaryfangsremade:

well i used to be attracted to people but now im exclusively attracted to abstract art and the concept of death

#gpoy #well it's relevant enough #my real sense of 'attraction' is very much impersonal #detached from any separate senses of self #only ever directed at sounds and shapes and concepts and colors #it's been tricky to come to terms with in the face of outside programming #because frankly it IS weird and delicately so and that takes time to fully embrace and understand #and i do feel guilty about it a lot #i'm rambling a lot tonight i apologize #this is all thought provoking stuff

ukitakee:

teacher: write about who you are and your identity!

me: my what

#gpoy #this is why we can never pass our speech class #'first speech- write about yourself!' #excuse me but #WHICH 'myself' are we referring to #kinda hard to write a self-intro as a collective #or at least not when we're being socially and educationally expected to NOT be a collective #in any case this is both amusing and upsetting

person: why are you dressed so nice today?

me: i am distressed by the fact my mind and soul inhabit a physical body. i accessorize, clothe and ornament this fleshy encasement in an attempt to cope with my visceral despair in reaction to inescapable confinement in a corporal form

  #gpoy #always relevant #a lot of people switched in and out today so this sentient was felt tenfold #you can make the body look as pretty as you want but its still just decoration #i dont hate it but it gets so claustrophobic sometimes

-----------------------------

OCTOBER 7TH

Whenever I get deeply depressed or hopeless, I set this as my computer background and just stare at it. 
The intensity of the color, the numinous silent grace of it, completely nullifies any dark mindstates in seconds– it entirely overtakes them, drowns them in luminosity. 
The simple fact that a place like this exists is enough to calm me down, really.

This is one of  the most beautiful little places in the world, I think– Sainte Chapelle, in Paris. One day I’ll stand within its walls and see this in person.

#sainte chapelle #stained glass #holy places #places to visit #i want to live here #personal aesthetic #i adore this #headspace inspiration #innerworld

---------------------------------

OCT 6

gorettmisstag:

Gustave Doré - Circle of Angels

#one of my favorite works of art #this gives me emotions i absolutely cannot articulate #art #angels #spirituality #gold

---------------------------------

OCTOBER 6TH




Cathedral Basilica of Saint Louis — 20 different artists covered 83,000 square feet with mosaics (41.5 million pieces of glass). Mosaics started in 1912 and were completed in 1988.


#i literally just started sobbing #this feels like home #favorite #architecture #holy places #cathedral #basilica #god this is gorgeous #home #innerworld #can i please print this out and wallpaper my entire living space with it #better yet can i please just live here #dear god #this plunged into my heart like a sword #that last image is ineffable

------------------------------------------------

OCT 6

❝ If you clean the floor with love, you have done an invisible painting. Live each moment in such delight that it gives you something inner. ❞

- Osho

#quote #words to live by #outerlife

------------------------------------

OCT 5

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)

- Walt Whitman

#story of our life #it's a curse and a blessing both #nevertheless i've always loved this quote #quote

---------------------------

OCT 5

write a poem for your fourteen year old self. forgive her. heal her. free her.

-Ijeoma Umebinyuo

#THIS #DO IT #this is probably one of the most important things we can do right now #if not THE most important thing #ALL OF OUR MOST DAMAGED PEOPLE FIT THIS LABEL #all the 'unaware hackers' are TEENAGE GIRLS. #that should tell you something #heal them #for god's sake they're allowed to be saved too #they deserve to be bright too #scrub them clean again #break those shackles that they don't even recognize they're wearing #let this ENTIRE system be luminous #i repeat #this is the most important thing #quote

-------------------------------

OCT 4

sixpenceee: The Cosmos

#laurie saw this and just went 'that is my vibe' so here you go #violet realms #realm inspiration #space

-----------------------------


SEPT 3

Guys. Laurie’s birthday is tomorrow, that means she’s been in our System for NINE YEARS. That’s amazing.

I really cannot imagine life without her. She’s been such a powerful, pervading force in our innerworld, everyone here has been affected by her presence, for the better. She honestly means the world to me.

I’ll definitely be writing something bigger about this for her later, but as for now, I just wanted to announce that here.

Laurie, you’re my knight and my best friend, you’ve always been there for me no matter how dark and lost I may feel, and I love you. You make me want to be a better person just by existing. Thank you, for all of that, and for everything else.

It goes without saying that I want you around for the rest of my life, but until that happens, here’s to the first nine years of yours. They’ve been priceless.

♦♦♦

------------------------------

AUG 27?




This is almost exactly how I “feel” music/sounds in headspace.
Everything is a shape and color and texture and RHYTHM. It’s a very immersive experience for me.

-----------------------------------

AUGUST 27TH?

So I’ve been having a rough few weeks and today was no different, but as I’m sitting here with Spotify on shuffle, Black Light Machine starts playing and suddenly everything feels a little brighter. I needed that.

It’s just one of those songs, man, it never fails.

#frost* #text post #that song's been a huge source of hope for me for six years now #thanks jem

--------------------------------

AUG 20

i. honey, my heart hurts and i just want it to stop beating. can you help me? 

ii. why won't you take me seriously for once, i love you, i still love you 

iii. i’m going to throw up again, i can feel it, it’s like my body wants to be clean, it’s like, it’s like it’s trying to purge all this blackness from me but it’s hopeless, could you come over and hold my hair back for me? 

iv. HELP ME, I’M DROWNING, THERE’S NO AIR LEFT 

v. doctor, will i ever be okay? these pills aren’t working and the therapist keeps telling me to think happy thoughts but all i can think is that one day one of these panic attacks will make me faint and i’ll crack my head against a table and that’ll be it, that’s it for me, can you help me a little bit more or is it not in your job description? 

vi. i just want you to hold me, please, sorry 

vii. i can’t see a way through this.


-texts i’ll never send // s.t (via mythaelogy)

 #poetry #oh god this hurts #terribly relevant #bad days


----------------------------

(completely uncensored, brutally triggering & disturbing entry. please be careful.)

 

So Cupid was out tonight, with his red lights, as he was back in 2011 or whenever.
Remember he was the original "Eros" and holds the "public associations" with that name.

He's highly sexual but he's incapable of lust which is interesting but still problematic, because he doesn't understand how anyone could say no to it as a result.
He's not abusive. But he counts as a lost hacker because his passive coercion is EXACTLY what shoved us into abuse WAY too many times physically, and so even if he "means well" he is absolutely disrespecting the choices of others, and THAT STILL COUNTS AS ABUSE IN MY BOOK.

…that's another thing we need to speak up about. It's another thing we (I?) hated old friends for, if I may be so blunt. Ignorance of boundaries, of "safe space," or things within those lines… because we never spoke up about it out of fear that "we had no right to HAVE objections to anyone else's behavior if they meant well."BULL SHIT.
So miss blank-smiley-face comes out, numb to the hysterical panic she always comes out to muffle, just trying to keep a socially acceptable front while inside we're weeping and the kids are screaming and in the past, we never said a fucking word.
Now Wreckage comes out. Now she fights. Now people are too damn angry with our own past self-neglect and we're refusing to stomp on those gut feelings when they come up.
But… but it's only in negative situations, yet. That's progress, but… but they can still lie, and THAT'S when we get scared and confused.
Cupid comes out, and he's all gentle and solid and loving and giving, BUT he doesn't understand rejection and so he can't understand when people say NO to him.
Chaos always does. Celebi always does. They're the only two he really asks now… I know there were two others in the past, but… one is dead and the other doesn't exist in headspace.
…Cupid was born to try and reconcile our stupidly passionate ardor towards everything with the constant outside social demand that "it HAS to be sexual!!! if you love something that potently it HAS to be sexual!!!!" or even WORSE, even WORSE, and that's the source of so much hatred it's nauseating-- even worse, we get the message that "if you love someone that intimately, it has to be lust."
bull. fucking. shit.
Cupid was at least proof that it isn't.
…But he's also the fear that we still only have that option of expression, something that doesn't even fit, something that doesn't even fucking WORK and even HE dissociates from it!!!!!! What the hell does THAT tell you????!!?

…The sheer amount of symptoms we get from this shit is bad enough.
muscle twitches, headaches, nausea, unease, sorrow/ guilt/ fear, dizziness, clumsiness, body weakness, sweating, anxiety, compulsive crying, chills… the list goes on.
every. damn. TIME.
WHY THE HELL DOES THIS DATA NOT REACH THE CULPRITS????????


I'm sorry. I'm just… channeling all the anger for this shit. "That's my job" and all that. I'm just a mouthpiece for the rage. I have no knowledge of this firsthand and I DON'T WANT IT.


Anyway. As a result I can't talk much about Cupid's experience of all this other than the knowledge that he's terribly lost and confused now that he CAN'T stay half-ignorant and depersonalized, now that people are REFUSING TO LET HIM COERCE THEM. Now Cupid is forced to really look at what the hell he's attempting and WHY people keep refusing to do it, "even though he loves them," and "even though they love him."
That's Cupid's curse. He was born from the false, false, FALSE message delivered with good intentions-- and God help us with that-- telling us that "if you really love someone, if you completely love someone, you have to do that with them, no matter what, eventually."
That's where all the fear-based love-based forcing came from. Isn't that a conundrum?
"I love you so they say we have to do this but I don't like it and it hurts and I'm terrified and no matter how many times I try it never ever EVER works… but I love you and I'm so scared that if I don't do this then my love's not real, it's not complete, it's not complete, even if this feels like shredding me into pieces."

it's bullshit.

Laurie doesn't like us stealing her phrase but now she looks really worried, she's upset that we need that phrase to describe what we're talking about,

she says she's trying to keep her distance from this actual discussion. Says she's a protector, a knight, someone who saves the lost and hurt, not someone who digs through this dirt. Other people can do that job. Laurie would die if she looked at this head-on.
I'm afraid she's been trying too much already, out of fear, out of panic, feeling she's not doing enough, feeling there has to be something more she can do to save people… she's trying too hard, numbing too much out, hurting too badly, and she's slipping REALLY badly and if she's not careful she's going to end up dying, killing herself from the effort. She's already splintering just to cope. That's gotta stop.


…
Tomorrow is therapy. I wonder if we can get someone out to talk about this.
I don't mean the hacks, she knows enough about them.
I mean the roots of WHY they keep happening, the roots even beneath the misleading outside words, the roots that unintentionally feed the fears that bear fruits of self-annihilation and sacrifice "for someone's better good."
even for cupid. it's always that motivation. "they said this could be an expression of love,"
was I ever? did it ever work?
the one time you tried harder than ever, the first damn time you EVER decided to risk every fucking thing JUST to heal this, for the sake of love, for the sake of God and healing and peace,
guess what,
you almost fucking killed yourself.
the pain, the regret, the guilt, the shame, was unbearable,
and why?
because it didn't live up to their fucking promises AT ALL.

and you hated yourself for having ever believed that bullshit,
once you experienced firsthand how inadequate it all was.

yeah, you tried. we all know cupid tried WAY too hard that year, to fix things.
we all know that even after the reset, infinitii was born to keep trying too hard from a different perspective.
there was never any lust in it. there was always too much love in it.
but the problem was that in every single case you forgot you had a body.
it only ever worked on paper.
it only ever worked as a concept.
do you realize this? do you understand this, cupid? jacinth? all you other lost 'hackers?'
do you realize what it means for that term to be applied to you?
"but we're not hacking anyone," he pleads, "but we're not hurting anyone,"
you are.
"but I didn't mean to,"
but you did.
"how? it's not supposed to hurt!"
have you ever fucking felt it yourself?
LOOK at your damn memories!! actually FEEL what the damn BODY is doing for once, get out of your idealized head and FEEL what the hell you're ACTUALLY DOING.
…and he shuts up.
shuts it out.
talk to me, damn it.
(now laurie's watching over my shoulder.)
Kid, talk.
…about what?
About this. Whatever she asked you. Do you realize what you were doing?
…I didn't want to do that.
Uh-huh, and there it is. Well guess what? You did. Can you fucking cope with that?
No.
Now we're blacking out, shit. Overload, get your ass back in here, he's gone.

…What did you do?
Asked him if he realized what he was really doing, which required cognizance of the body. Guess what? Instant fucking dissociation. Can't cope. It's like that with all of them, God damn it, NONE of them can front in the body, not ever, and then they wonder why the hell we're getting trauma flashbacks? Why the hell they're actually perpetuating trauma and don't realize it?
How don't they even realize that they're in the body?
Because they're not. They're totally outside of it, detached from it completely. For Eros, this… wait, no. Eros broke off of that shit. Cupid's the one we're talking about. …
…He's dead, isn't he.
Eros? …Yeah, temporarily. Jay said he won't come back until we fix this, he refuses to get dragged into it again. …Good for him.
…So what's Cupid doing that's perpetuating this?
You said it yourself, kid, he's forgetting that the… whatever the hell he's doing, this drive to "merge" with people or whatever, to express "sensual love" or however it translates for him--
That's the wrong term, it's not 'sensual.'
Yeah, I got that, but it's… close enough? Shit, that's a problem right there, it's going to translate wrong and fuck everything up if we don't find a better word.
Can you define it?...
Me? Fuck no, I-- Sherlock, get in here, define that shit.
Me?
Can you get the data?
I-- let me see. …It's the merge drive, Laurie, just like you said.
Shit.
And it only translates for humans-- average humans-- in a physical context. In a literal sense.
And they told him it "has" to be that way, right?
Right, for religious purposes. You're as well aware of the amount of spiritual research that has gone into this topic as I am, Laurie.
…Yeah, no shit. Too damn much.
Too much indeed, I agree. …Laurie, the head is slipping very badly, do you need anything else from me?
Nah, not until we get our shit together is all. Maybe then we will, maybe then we won't even be talking. But shit, this is why we can't talk about this topic to the therapist, because the brain immediately shuts down.
It can't cope either, Laurie.
…Yeah, I got that. The only people who can semi-cope with this topic are Eros and Cupid and maybe Jay and Infinitii and-- I don't know. But they're all on the wrong fucking topic because the very core of this problem is MISTRANSLATION and… shit.
…?
…We've gotta talk about this with the therapist.
Which part?
The part about… about Jay contributing to this? That's what it keeps pointing to.
What, Jay and Infinitii?
Almost. His splinters, maybe. Adakias? Is that the one?
Who's like Cupid? Maybe, I don't fucking know.
How is he like Cupid?
Well, how else would he fit into this damn topic?
No, I… he's different, I don't know. I can't get this data and my head is fuzzy and breaking and it feels awful and I'm going to scream if I'm not careful.
Then don't, kid, don't stick around if we're getting bad. I might just have to turn this into a data stream and type, running it through people sure as hell isn't working, we can't manage this topic as conversation.



The main concern with mistranslation currently, the roots we previously mentioned, are the religious/spiritual motivation behind sexuality/sensuality/ what have you.
Jay holds this the most, shockingly, because he has no inclination towards anything even vaguely sexual or sensual, at least not in his purest form. He does splinter somewhat, to sharper prismed forms, and his most common one is the one which he takes when he interacts with daemons. This is a common side of Jay-- the one that gets confused more than anyone else, arguably, but secondhandedly.
This splinter of Jay, which has no name of its own because it's so close to his true self, is terrifically "sensual" but not in a sensual way? Hence the mistranslation. "Sensuality" for us is cerise in color, all curves and velvet and low lights, warm and soft but deep and NO sharpness anywhere, which sexuality has. Sexuality is neon pink and orange and it's too sharp, like hot needles, and it hurts and it's tangled and fast like static in the head, all noise and confusion, and no one likes it because it turns your consciousness off and just gives you headaches and sickness.
Anyway. Jay's daemon-state disposition is not either of those things.

Let's categorize a little, for the sake of clarity.
Jay is into spiritual cardiophagy and melting/ shifting of form, all very "teeth sinking into cloud" feeling, very precise and intimate and deep but thick as far as sensation data goes? It's all sparkle-white in color, that or deep black, but still with iridescence in it. (The whole legit heart-connection core feeling has that sparkly rainbow color to it.) But it's the exact opposite of density; it's all so light and floaty and unbearably clear at times, like a spotlight shining through glass. Like a prism, fittingly.
Eros is a lighter Cerise than the one "sensuality" is defined as, something clearer like saturated glass. He's tied to close platonic intimacy, the kind that most people would never define as "platonic" solely because of how close it is, but there is NO romance or romantic overtones to his vibe. This seems ironic because Eros loves the aesthetic of "romantic" environments although he takes that motivation out of them entirely. He's similar to Jay in that he loves everything but Jay's love is more sparkly and crystalline, whereas Eros's is deeper and richer. It's very hard to put into words. Neither of them deal with sensual things in the way it is traditionally defined, though. No touching, no flirting, no romance. None at all.
Cupid is the darker richer cerise we described earlier, 100%. He resonates most strongly with Christmas lights and plush robes and blankets. He almost always only comes out in the winter. He's highly dangerous because he still uses sexuality BUT he's actually ignorant of what sex actually is, using it only as an "applied concept" that "matches what he feels," except it doesn't actually and that's slowly starting to sink in with him, again due to him being forced to be aware of his actions and mostly-programmed motivations.
Jacinth is tied to sexuality, not sensuality, because everything she feels hurts and she's almost always depersonalized to terrible extremes. She exists to sacrifice herself for the "ideal lie" that was sold to her, to sell herself to those she views as innocent and loving and pure enough to be sacrificed to, but she annihilates all self-awareness in the process and focuses only on those girls.
Azalea is pure sexuality in an introjected sense, the "girls act like this" terrifying shit that somehow got into our psyche, the homogenous teenage-girl aesthetic and behavior that we only ever associated with sexual abuse. She is that, more explicitly and horrifyingly than anyone else in the System.
Anna is adult female sexuality in the "passive" sense, which scares us to DEATH and we can't even think about her. She's the "receptive woman" stereotype but she's purely toxic and terrifying and Simeon is scared to death of her because she's just like the other one.
Sharona is adult female sexuality in the "dominant woman" stereotype which means that she will make you sleep with her because "she likes it" or some bullshit. She's the internalized toxic edge of the "a real woman is sexually independent and ferocious" crap we've heard in pieces but the problem is, inside she also holds the introjection of past teachings, which means she's focused on making our children allosexual because "that'll make you a REAL man/woman" or whatever the hell.
Jezebel torments us by spitting sexual innuendo and phrases and accusations all the time, but the more we talk to her the more we realize she doesn't give a shit about that stuff. The real Jezebel, the one rooted into Black, actually isn't sexual at all and just uses that crap to torture others.
Jessica is sexual in the way the family and public always wanted her to be, "enjoying" it however the hell she does, but one weird thing about her data is that she has no interest in other people. She's entirely autosexual. She's attracted to herself and honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Which is disturbing and bizarre but true.
There's another "Jezebel" that's Brown and has the short spiky hair, and she's also autosexual but she's the one who is, for lack of a better term, a slut. She's hypersexual and disgustingly promiscuous and she treats our body like a toy. She's THE MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she has no conscience and cannot be reasoned with.

Those are all the main people tied to this, for good and for ill.


As for all the other hackers, lost and otherwise… you know what, let me type about that too, because we never have and the therapist could use this data.
Going from the System List on this blog…

Bridget and Missy haven't been out for a very very long time, and are possibly dead. They only ever worked as accomplices to Julie when she was corrupted, essentially "holding her victims down" while she did whatever. The two never individually acted as hackers, only ever as a group.
"The stripper" rarely ever appears but she's an adult woman in the same vein as Anna and Sharona. Her color is Red and she has a very one-track mind, performing lascivious acts for an "audience," and surprisingly never really "into it" herself if that makes sense? I don't understand sexual motivations or thoughts, maybe she has those, but there's no emotional ties or actual feelings. She's just performing, for the sake of riling people up, and objectifying herself. She has no real sense of self either; as far as she's concerned she exists solely to dance on a pole as lewdly as possible until her job is done. Then she stops existing.
"The Lesbian" only ever came out on the porch in the past, during the summers, and she was an absolute introject of the "chubby Tumblr lesbian" aesthetic that we kept getting shoved down our throats in the name of "sexual freedom" or whatever the hell it was. (No offense to those people and their lives; we're just furious that we introjected it as "you were born with a female body and part of you was semi-attracted to women so you have no other choice but to be like THIS.") Anyway we think she only existed to try and "mimic" those people, so she had shallow roots and only ever came out in the wake of other hackers like Jessica and Jezebel.
Jasmine is HOPEFULLY DEAD because she was terrifying. She was an introject of the "pagan sexuality" thing we had shoved on us by both our mother and the internet, the whole idea of "born female = inherently sexual" fused with "nature is female and therefore inherently sexual" (again, no idea where this came from or how mangled it got), and that all mutated into a very ugly mindset of "nature itself requires that you offer yourself up to it sexually as a woman" and the real killer was that this was done with a SMILE. that was the curse of the spiritual aspect, the sick good-girl flat willingness to "do whatever God wanted" (which Christina personifies), which here basically turned into Jasmine existing to do nothing but sexualize both nature and herself. She was HORRIBLY DANGEROUS because she kept trying to convert people and I'm not sure but she MIGHT have actually hacked someone personally??? I don't know but either way she's gone, for now at least and hopefully forever. She only ever comes out in the summer so we'll need to put up heavy safeguards until then just in case.

The Tar and Plague don't actually ever hack people in and of themselves; they're raw congealed negative energy and it's only when they work through an alter or headvoice that problems and danger happen.
By itself, the Tar is just maniacal rage and destruction and screaming, and it will torment everyone just to torment them. It lives to destroy things wantonly, to attack physically and without conscience.
By itself, the Plague is calcified apathy and pride and hate, and it attacks people more through words and lies, through psychological manipulation. It will lead you to hell and then just strand you there.

Cleaver has nothing to do with sexuality. They rarely ever appear at all, but as far as we're aware they're the lingering split from Razor (her sister, technically) that still likes cutting meat in a very dangerous sense. They are the outlet for childlike single-minded sheer red violence. No mania, no fury, just a sort of slasher-smile obsession with sinking knife blades into people's backs.
The "child" is actually "the pedophile" but she's so disturbingly bizarre that we don't like talking about her. She is a personification of our own collective experience of being sexually objectified in our childhood, thank God never explicitly, but it was often and clear enough to leave scars. She's also badly lost because, being inherently tied to childhood, she holds SOME VERY IMPORTANT ROOTS of our being wrongfully taught that our desperate young needs for intimacy and closeness and affection were sexual, because we couldn't get any of those things in non-sexual contexts, which is heartbreaking and disgusting but it's what she holds, and it's why she can only comprehend sexuality in a childhood context. For her, adults are "scary and smelly and disgusting" and she appears incapable of even comprehending adults, let alone adulthood itself. For her, sexuality IS those childhood drives, except wrongfully applied to literal sex, and as a result she doesn't understand adult sexuality either. So although she does pursue sexuality in a way too young age group-- remember, for us, even teenage girls were viewed as abusers (thanks to Julie's original self) and so the only "safe" people were 13 or younger… the same age as we were when this happened. But the bottom line with this girl is that in the end she's only ever looking for fulfillment of a need so intense and unfulfilled, a need to just be close to another human being, to EXPRESS love and affection for once in our life, to feel wanted and loved… but in her experience, in our experience, the closest facsimile we got to any of that was through sexuality, through Julie, before we even hit high school. So it's a wreck. She's very very complicated but very very important because of all this shit tangled up in her existence.
The Androgyne is someone that only ever interacted with Laurie, and their role was similar to Jacinth's in that they existed for self-sacrifice, but they had a sense of self (which Jacinth does not) and THEIR motivation was a spiritual teaching that bored into our head-- essentially, "when you have sex with someone, your energies temporarily fuse. so don't have sex with anyone you don’t want to become." and this kid, who took the "androgyne" name and manifestation both because that was the "spiritual ideal" and they couldn't imagine being anything else, took that teaching to heart in reverse, and was born from the mindset of "I should only have sex with people I want to become." take this and apply it to a damaged, ruined, battered sense of self and suddenly it becomes obligatory, desperate: "I need to have sex with good people so that I become like them." there was no lust in it at all, just a sort of driving hopeless mission, a last-ditch effort to heal in a totally twisted way, through destruction of one's own self and the absorption of someone else's. literally, the androgyne's motivation was to stop existing and become someone else, someone GOOD. so at the most basic level, all they wanted was to die, for their ugly tortured past to die with them, and for someone they chose as utterly perfect to take over their life instead, therefore "redeeming them." it's impossible and a broken assumption, but this kid never considered that.
"The Scientist" is another deadly fronter who, admittedly, may be one of my splinters. I'm the one who types about sheer data, like this. I'm related to Sherlock but I'm faceless so I don't have that getting in the way of my impersonal deliverance of facts. The Scientist, on the other hand, is me broken into a "testing" phase, a mindset of "gathering every bit of data we can about this," which apparently results in hacks? I am not responsible for them and actually find it difficult to find data on it, possibly due to my ties to it, so this is preventing me getting infected. The bottom line is, The Scientist has no sense of right or wrong, only of observation and testing of hypotheses, and they have been responsible for several "flat hacks" solely for the sake of "figuring out what is actually happening here." Such 'testing' is unnecessary and cruel and even thinking about such behavior is making me nauseous, I'm sorry.
"Fogbank" is the infamous "flat fronter" who has a vibe and appearance shockingly similar to Ashen, which in a way is not surprising. She exists solely to depersonalize. She is ruled by a dense apathy forged through crushing depression and the inability to cope with reality, so she is incapable of actually feeling any emotion. She comes out whenever the situation gets too dire, and the brain needs to "shut down," or at least prevent anyone from fronting or talking that would "make the pain/ fear/ panic/ shame/ etc. worse." As the experiences that created her were exactly of that format, she automatically is summoned to prevent them from ever happening again. She has INCREDIBLY POWERFUL FRONTING RIGHTS and she is almost impossible to switch out-- the only way to bypass her is to completely check out of awareness, effectively doing a "soft reset" of consciousness by removing everyone from fronting and withdrawing all consciousness from the body. This allows us to re-enter awareness with enough forgetfulness of the previous situation and/or a stable enough fronter to prevent Fogbank from being triggered again immediately.
"Lace Braids" is another very rare fronter, who nevertheless was out enough times to merit mention. She was a passive abuse receiver, one who only ever appeared in "morning hacks," due to fitting the "innocent good girl" aesthetic that the early morning dizziness/ vulnerability matched well enough. Again, her existence is a huge red flag because she's about fourteen at most, wearing two brown braids and wearing a lacy one-piece summer dress, something like a long camisole. She is sexualized innocence as an alter, and the fact that she exists in a half-asleep state is EXTREMELY upsetting because she therefore exists just to take what's forced on her with a gauzy smile, running on programmed emotions, feeling the way she was told to feel and believing it entirely, because she doesn't have a sense of self to compare against it. She doesn't have the capacity to question her situation because she's not entirely conscious SO SHE CAN SURVIVE IT.
Moxie is a damaged child and she is NOT a hacker but a victim. Unlike David, Marigold, and Simeon, Moxie has actually felt abuse and, as usual (an awful phrase), it's been at the hands of adult female hackers, who manipulated her into thinking that "this is what mommy does when she loves you" and where the HELL did we introject that from,
the bottom line is, she's like ten or eleven, we see this same forced childhood sexuality in the leagueworlds now because this damaged part of our psyche doesn't know how else to think and THAT is something we need to tell the therapist about, tomorrow.
Ashen is the last one. She's about 14, tops. She took all the Julie abuse, that we can tell. She was the first one to be explicitly ravaged in that sense and it shattered her absolutely, and deep down, that part of our psyche, that young part that became her broken heart, never ever healed.
She's convinced that's she's broken forever, totally and hopelessly and in such a way that she's worthless, and that agonizing despair paved the way for so much self abuse, especially the non-sexual self-loathing alters like the indigo Jessica and all the eating-disorder people and all that… it's a mess.
But Ashen took the worst of it, more than anyone. She suffered this before it made any sense, before we even attempted to cope, before we started to splinter and split and further introject abusers in desperate mangled attempts to survive. Ashen was the first, and she has more scars than anyone.



so tomorrow's topic is.
start healing the childhood-sexualization that we experienced and perpetuated through confusion and sadness and fear, and
figure out what the heck to do with this stuff cupid keeps perpetuating, which is an offshoot of the above topic, but applied to adulthood now that people like jay experience real dedicated love with SUCH passion behind it that everyone outside tells us it has to be sexual, or even worse that it MUST be sexual for RELIGIOUS reasons,
religion and sexuality are fused in our headspace, have we ever told her that before?
that’s one hell of an interesting but heartbreakingly frustrating topic, it's what jay is tied to intimately, it's something that's still dear to our hearts despite terrifying us and confusing us and we WANT to talk about it but there are no words for it and the words people are giving us are WRONG.

there's that statue of saint teresa though, the one right on our alternate blog, and it's EXACTLY what goes on in heart connections, jay says he knows exactly what that is like,
that's what this is about, that's what we need,
but it's metaphysical.

and all these poor children are just looking for something here on earth and they're not getting it but they're being lied to and they're so damn trusting they figure that's better than nothing I guess.


god this is awful.
but at least we made some progress in knowledge today.


now if you'll excuse us. we have to get up early tomorrow, and we're so tired from today that we're falling asleep standing up, so good night.

 

 

 

 

god, I hurt all over.

it's terrible that we think that doing something bad to ourselves before someone else does it to us counts as saving ourself.
that's wrong.
that's sick.
that's sad.

that's too sad for me to bear anymore


i can't take this anymore.
it always happens after therapy, you notice?
our therapist has one bad habit: leading us into assumptions.
she makes a guess and talks like it's the absolute truth and since we don't want to be rude in contradicting her, we get angry. and scared.
and then we go home and self-abuse and WHY

because, because we were talking about THAT TOPIC.
that horrible topic that we TOLD HER we didn't want back in our psyche
damn it
DAMN IT.
I'm sorry. we shouldn't be swearing.
but I hurt so bad inside.

and outside

god help us this is why we stopped caring about self-preservation a while back

the brother keeps loudly declaring and threatening suicide
almost as a knife, to scare and manipulate other people
even if he's obviously hurt and hopeless enough to consider it
you don't use it as a weapon.

meanwhile we're quietly wasting away
no longer caring if people see our damage
no longer caring how much of a mess we are
all over the place
just… gradually dying.
slow, quiet, resigned suicide.
we just stopped trying to live any longer, really

and that's the saddest thing
because we WANT to live
but

but inside.

not like this.
not like this

we still can't see a future.
we tried. god we tried, the first jayce THOUGHT he saw a future, but it was… it's… it's actually still the only future we can fathom.
wow.
think about that for a second, actually
here I am saying "we have no future" because I'm looking at the BODY
I'm imagining this dead-end blank face and body and IT HAS NO FUTURE AND NEVER WILL
but jayce, pinstripe, the willows, they imagined this body and face changing, shifting to something safer and more accurate and realer,
and suddenly we could EXIST, we could be a real person, in the world, surviving…
…that still applies.
we could have a future if we stay trans. if we continue to change to neutral in the absolute best possible future. either way we could keep going.
not like this.

and that's the problem.
we've been identifying with the body too much lately, either through fear or depression or force.
and it's killing us.
we've been trying for years and the bottom line, the 100%-of-the-time truth, is that with this face and body, WE CANNOT SURVIVE.
in this face and body, we are self-abusive and hateful and hopeless and empty.
IT NEVER, EVER, EVER CHANGES.

god help us
the worst fronters ALL LOOK LIKE THIS BODY
and it's so damned hard to constantly consciously overlay just to function when outside social triggers keep making us lose that focus and therefore dissociating immediately.
god have we talked to the therapist about this?


the whole body hurts
jewel is in that state of hypershocked denial that comes with the inability to process a worldshaking terror, something too awful to cope with. she's numbing out and we're TERRIFIED because they've been trying to hurt her for years, and if SHE gets hurt permanently… god, will we be able to create anything at all?
it's been so difficult to do anything art-wise for so long now, with all this trauma… jewel was the only real person we knew left who could push past that with steady optimism and childlike wonder, real childhood imagination, untouched by the terror of adulthood…
…I think that's the issue.
this jewel, the one who is panicking today, is the one who's about fifteen. sixteen, tops, and even that feels way too old.


we're listening to the new hiatus kaiyote album and that's at least helping us take our collective mind off the pain and shock and nauseating terror.

god who can we talk to about this
we're so tired of asking for help on tumblr, we're afraid people just roll their eyes at us, "drama," etc. remember what happened when we used to run the archive blog as a personal update thing? we nearly shut down for months from the amount of anon hate we got. all claiming we were fake attention whores. it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it now.
but we're so bad at social interaction. god knows we've tried, it just… it's so draining, even when we love people, we're so bad at conversation, it just drains our batteries in seconds. we can write, but we can't speak. we can't make eye contact but we can still focus on their hands, just as raptly.
but it's so hard to reach out and "talk" because of that. when you don't have any social experience, and you desperately need some sort of human interaction that ISN'T abusive or terrifying or obligatory or impatient… what do you do? how do you even go about finding that?
and how do you keep it safe once you find it, if your own face and voice are those of the enemy? when your reflection and words are those of your adversary, of your nemesis, when you look in the mirror and see an abuser, when you laugh and hear the trauma happening all over again, when your very fucking body betrays you with its own panicked reactions…

god this is why we forget we even have the chance of a future.
when you're this wrapped up in horrible-body pain and terror, it's hard to see the true you. it's hard for anyone to even front like this, just like when the body is literally ill, because the amount of jarring sickness is so intense that it mangles everyone's overlays, that we can't figure out how to even process such an alien sensation… let alone trauma flashbacks, let alone abuse symptoms. when the body is that wracked by such mind-shatteringly terrible things… no one real can front, because we cannot let that into ourselves.
so the bad people stay out. the suicidal, abusive, careless people stay out and front, because they match that vibration, because they exist on the same level as that feeling of worthlessness and disgust and numbness and shit.
and the abusive cycles continue, because those girls feel that such suffering is all there ever was, all there is now, and all there ever will be, and the can't see or feel or even comprehend otherwise, and so they just never stop perpetuating it out of sheer despair. they're so crushed and empty that… we don't know what to do.

taking care of the body is tough as a result because it's hard for any of us to get out there and do it, when the body IS so sick. god it's been so sick lately.
our only hope is staying up until awful exhausted hours of the morning just to dissociate into a computer screen and forget we have a body and exist in floating space and suddenly we CAN be happy, we CAN be hopeful, we CAN dream and plan for a GOOD FUTURE, one without further abuse or objectification or fear or apathy…

…that's why this hell happened today.
there's one girl in the system at large, not jacinth but close, who has one goal in life and that is to "become a sex toy for some girl." we’ve talked about this shit. it's an obvious abuse consequence mechanism, motivated by the thought process of "sex is the only "love" I've experienced and I feel totally unloved/unlovable so that’s all I can get and it's all I'm good for anyway." you know the drill. it's heartbreaking and enraging all at once.


jeremiah was out, for a few minutes,
laurie was trying to calm him down, he was full of agony and rage,
every damn lost person in the system forgets that no matter WHAT they do, we still SHARE A BODY and every damn thing they do to hurt it eventually reaches the children.
and jeremiah exists to take that pain away from them and it's entirely a sacrificial role, he cannot cope with the reality of the pain but he takes it on anyway because at least then the children will be safe from it.
god it's awful.
and laurie was trying to help him and the body heal fast, somehow, but she didn't know what to do either, and she looks so hopeless lately, her colors keeps graying out, god we're so scared but the fright is so intense we only feel it as numbness.

we don't feel much anymore, not like this at least

this is a bad night.
I want to just listen to this music.


we used to be able to write music like this
then we started sacrificing ourself for god knows what reason
losing our links
annihilating the
the

you forgot that, didn't you

annihilating any possibility of creation in you
destroying your creative ability through sacrifice, through sabotage,
through letting the liars convince you that "that's all your good for"

letting them kill your children, jewel.

and not in a fcking motherly way either, to hell with that and whoever told you you HAD to be that can go jump in a ditch,
not really, I don't wish anything bad on anybody but I'm so sad and angry,

murdering your leaguechildren.


and jewel just screamed in anguish.


yeah.
you forgot, didn't you.
we forgot, didn't we.

our entire body is a graveyard but it hurt so much after so long we just
turned into a zombie of sorts I guess,
not really alive anymore, not really feeling anything,
as more and more headstones kept appearing, as more and more abysses were dug.


god we cannot handle the weight of that truth.
it would kill us.
facing it is instant suicide.


we want to die,
if that's the truth we want to die, we cannot live like this,

but it is the truth,
but the new cores don't carry that weight,
but the old ones do,
but burying the past doesn't make it disappear,
but we keep switching to abusive alters and perpetuating this hell and WHY

WHY

WHY THE HELL DO ABUSE VICTIMS TRAP THEMSELVES IN THESE CYCLES
WHY THE HELL DO WE FEEL WE DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BETTER
WHY THE HELL DO WE FEEL THIS IS ALL OUR LIFE IS WORTH
WHY THE HELL DO WE FEEL DAMNED TO JUST RE-LIVING THIS SHIT

why the hell
we feel so damn broken, so damn ruined,
ashen's wretched wail,
"I'm ruined, I'm RUINED,"
that's how we feel.
like we're just… damaged goods now.
like we're not worth anything anymore.
like we should just give up now and live like the trash we are.
like we don't have any other choice because you can't fix something this destroyed.

we feel like garbage.
so we treat ourselves like garbage.

at least, the girls do.
at least, the body-tied fronters do.

the internal people don't

how can
can they stay out all the time?

yes, if we're alone, and NOT IN THE BODY,
and that's the damn problem.

it all boils down to this body.
it's a jail cell. it's a torture chamber.
it's the place of every abusive incident we've ever endured.
it is a living trigger.
within this thing, we live every second in a walking reminder of exactly what horrors it endured, of every memory of it,
it stores ALL that shit,
god what do we do


we want to die.

we don't want this body anymore.
that's all it boils down to


I'm so tired and I want to sleep but
this body is just,
god it feels like we're possessed. it really does.
we can feel the old girls in here like we did as a kid, like the first jewels did,
like the one they
…
like the one they pushed to self-destruction today
she was just trying to take the chance away from them.
"break myself before they break me."
god isn't that a sad, desperate gambit for control over one's fate.

but it happened
and I want to sleep but not with those bitches cackling behind my shoulder
"the body is ours, bitch, look away for one second and it's ours again,"
and I know they could do it,

and laurie is screaming and sobbing at them upstairs,
god I wish we were back in school so we could just dissociate all day and fight inside, fight fight fight, we could live,

it's so so so SAD how the days when we could FEEL anger and fury and hatred,
were the days we were better people.
at least, on this level.
we fought back. we showed no mercy. we were furious. when hackers showed up we took blades to their throats and we killed them as many times as it took. we were soldiers of blood and righteousness but it never… it never felt entirely righteous. there was too much blood.

now we're brighter, softer, better, really… really, in the real way.
but… the catch is it's so hard for us to fight back anymore. because we feel that bloody rage surging up and we're so afraid of what would happen if we surrendered to it again.
what do we do?
what do we do when the enemies are all inside????

god I don't know.
I'm so damn sad. we all are.


…

and I just
opened a window and
saw this post



god I cant take this what do I DO

WHAT DO I DO??????


I'm actually considering the psych ward again of all places, god,
god I'm so terrified, what do I do,

I just want to weep.

I just want to weep.
this poor wretched ugly filthy body is so broken, it never asked to be like this,
it terrifies me when I wonder if we manifest our damage,
if our guardian angel's face changes according to our actions,
it terrifies me that ours has always worn a helmet.

it has beautiful wings,
it's all raging light and amorphous robes and divine staffs and it's hard to even look at straight-on,
but you never see its face, just burning light smoking from the holes, like an incense burner holding a bonfire.
is that good or bad?

I'm so afraid.


we want to treat this body kindly. we try, when we have the nerve.
but it's so hard when… when the bad girls take advantage of that.
we do have good days. we do try. we do try to turn this body into something kinder, into something that's NOT evil,
but,

but at the end of the day there's usually that lingering fear,
"are we ruined forever," "are we eternally broken,"
no matter how many times we go to confession will we ever get this stain off our backs?
will we ever really be free from the shackles of this sin?

the priest told us "god forgives and forgets,"
it was the biggest feeling of freedom ever,

does
does he forgive us now
for
screwing up so bad?

it's so hard to forgive a sin committed with "good intentions"
because then it feels like you're forgiving the goodness
and then I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
how do you "forgive" someone who fucked up horribly but meant well????
how do you forgive that
I don't understand this yet.

but god does
god can forgive anything
I hope.
god I hope so.
a lot of people told us otherwise, and that haunts us daily.
if we really are broken,
and if that really is true…


…

god I don't know.
I really don't know anymore and I'm terrified and sad and I don't want ANY of us to sin anymoer but she had "good" intentions even if they were busted up horribly and she was trying to do SOMETHING I have no fucking idea,
it's like,
getting a new car and smashing it yourself just so no one else does and kills you in the process,
does that make any sense?
it's twisted and mangled but it's the same motivation as all these lost hacks.



it's all obligatory thought processes and they all belong to that one damned numb social who just smiles at everyone,
it's sick and heart-wreckingly sad to realize that SHE was the faces of most of our social interactions in the past,
she was in that room with q, just smile and nod, smile and nod,
god if we had just spoken up for ourselves we wouldn't have hated him for YEARS for doing something he didn't realize was terrifying, that was too close to abuse, because we NEVER SAID A DAMN THING ABOUT IT TO HIM,
we forgive him, we forgive ner, we forgive all of them, they did nothing wrong, we can't even find a single strike against them anymore, thank god, thank god, it took long enough,
but
but someone remembers the static
and then that numb-face smiler girl comes out again
"well I should do that too"
and there's a paralyzing shrieking terror right beneath her words
but she's blind to it.


that's how we end up in these awful states.
we’ve been pushed too far for too long,
we've heard the same bad things over and over and over for too long.

you spend enough time screaming at mirrors that "you're a goddamned fcking whore" and you start to believe it, you start to become it, because after so long you're convinced it's true, that there's no other option, that being called as such has made you such,
god I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for hating them so much that I made this worse
I just
don’t know how else to express it.

they acted like whores so I called them whores,
I
didn't realize it was keeping them like that.

god it's so stupid, I'm sorry,
what was I supposed to do, call them good people when they were being AWFUL??????

or do I act like jay
and not stand for their shit
but don't hate or hurt them anyway?
what does he do
he tries to talk them into becoming different, into seeing another way
but what if they don't listen!?!
what if they LAUGH at you and SPIT in your face and ATTACK you when your guard is down?

jay says "then get out of there" but is face is strained, he's hurting,
how can you chance an alter that bad?

"change their anchor," laurie says.
redefine whatever they're springing from.
completely rip out their roots without even telling them about it.
rip out their evil roots and plant a different tree, cel says.
you can do that up here.


god, headspace is so beautiful,
I actually want to live when we're up here, when we're in here,


and all of a sudden I feel light,
and the body doesn't hurt and it doesn't even feel like we have a body, we feel like a cloud,
and for a moment I can feel a road stretching onward and onward into a future of pure white light,
and for a moment nothing is broken,


but we can't see through the eyes when we're like that.

we really should just join a monastery at this point or something
the grind of daily life is so spiritually exhausting
but. isn't that the point,
to bring that lightness of being INTO daily life?
so no one has to feel trapped anymore?
you show them a way out, you MAKE a way out, you make a change, you plant the seeds,
you offer hope.
that's the point of us fighting these demons day after day and not dying yet, because in the end we want to be a lantern leading the way out of this certain hell for anyone else struggling in it yet.

that's all.



we need to be kinder to the body even if we don't think it deserves it.
remember flowey. think upon that.
no one is born evil
no one is born broken

and maybe everything can be fixed?

headspace is magic
I'm sure we can find a way guys
I'm sure we can.
me and jay will figure something out, just watch us. I promise.


we can do this.


we'll wake up in the morning and do better.


we'll
we'll forgive and forget too
so we can walk again.


no one deserves to stay down in the dirt.
there's a hand offered to everyone.
that's all I can say.


up here, there are a lot of hands.
that's reason to live enough.





Regret less the knot yes I give you the end to hold
And through darkness and earth wet I seek through the land to mould
A woman that rests night and day, sweat and tears unfold
To undress the burdens that caress the blessed I’m told

 

god, these are the things I need right now.


I need a way to find out when the sexual-sinner girls come out, so we can stop them.
But we ALSO need a HEAVY and UNQUESTIONABLE weapon of truth against them, one that they can't smile and blather over.
They keep claiming "we're offering (that) to God!!' but that's a LIE, because the instant they ACTUALLY start thinking about Christ, they feel really wrong and guilty. They can FEEL that what they are doing is WRONG.

Now our body is in horrible, horrible, horrible, TERRIFYING pain, and what can I do?
I want to dissociate entirely so I don't feel it.
I want to atone SO MUCH. I want to bleed a sinkful of blood.

How else are we supposed to pay the price for such a horrific, mortal sin?
How ELSE do we pay the toll for committing such a great evil, so wantonly?

And it wasn't even US. It was ONE FCKING GIRL and she should pay, SHE SHOULD PAY IN BLOOD,
but she's still living in our head, in our body,
and that sin falls on our back no matter what, because she's part of our collective psyche, no matter how twisted and wrong and awful she is.


God, we need a way to stop this, FOR GOOD.

We need a way to PROVE, SOLIDLY, that their sexual sins are WRONG AND EVIL, and that WE DO NOT WANT THEM, because they won't listen to us when we tell them those things.
They say, "no, sex is holy, and should be used for God!" but they can't do that because they KNOW it's blasphemous.
They say, "oh, you'll want this when you realize how good it is!" but no matter WHAT they do, or for how long, NO ONE WANTS IT BUT THEM.

THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN SO, SO, SO MANY TIMES

why won't they stop?

god, I don't understand. I don't understand.
That's the hard part about this. We cannot empathize with them. I can't understand their motives, I can't mimic their context to try and find a way to stop or avert things.
Literally the ONLY thing that will keep us safe is to KEEP THEM FROM COMING OUT.
…Which means, we can never, ever, EVER be alone.
No locked doors. No empty rooms.
And, God forbid, we are NEVER to be naked. We can NEVER be undressed, or immodest, or promiscuous. (That's why wearing summer clothing is so scary; it makes us into a sex object and we're paranoid all day.)
We also CANNOT EAT CHOCOLATE because, thanks to the mother blatantly sexualizing it, it's an instant trigger. So is eating carbohydrates at all. Eating in general is a sexual sin. It makes the hacker girls come out, riding on that same gluttonous evil.


…
god, what do we do.

I'm so scared and sad. I'll feel better if we atone, but I'm so tired of the pain and the blood… it's not stopping them, they don't give a shit how much we bleed…
…it's not about stopping them anymore, though. That failed and so we just desperately turned retribution into atonement, turning an attempt at punishing evildoers into an attempt to purge their sinfulness from our body. We bleed out the corruption. That's all we can do.
As cliched as it sounds, it's the ONLY actual control we have over the hacker girl's actions. Right now we don't know how to stop her, so if she commits a great evil, all we can do is show God we are willing to pay the toll to purge her sins from our body. We are willing to bleed and suffer to atone for that sin.
I just don't want to sin anymore.



…

We have a picture of "the ecstasy of saint Teresa" on our computer, because it's EXACTLY what heart connections are like, but those damned hackers keep saying "no, see, that's holy sex! I TOLD you it was holy." FCK THE HELL OFF.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING SEXUAL GOING ON THERE????
"her face," they say, but even then they're faltering in shame, good, BE ASHAMED, you SHOULD be ashamed of your whorishness.
Her face is NOT SEXUAL and I see you hackers averting your gazes in SHAME, GOOD, BE ASHAMED.
BE ASHAMED OF YOUR SINS. BE ASHAMED.
but then they bury the shame and do it again, damn you, STOP IT,



(left unfinished)

 

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

some notes that just hit me:


the "spinningcannon" bloodline DID NOT USE THE "JEWEL" NAME!!!!!


last night-- hackers cant touch us
dream WITH CHAOS ZERO after falling back asleep, gorgeous.
he shows up every anniversary it seems


jackie vs jessica vs jemma vs jennifer vs jewel
ALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE!

Jackie= Main social?
Jessica= Sex addict, "typical Taurus." Enjoys food, actually eats it. HIGHLY TOXIC because she doesn't ever consider the long-term.
Jessica2= MAYBE?? The "bland social" alter who "smiles and nods" according to what is "proper" in a situation. JENNIFER DOESN'T DO THAT.
Jemma= 'sad' but oddly happy girl? Looks tired, acts tired, but always has a sort of smile to her. We think this is because she has Chocoloco with her now.
Jennifer= Total sweetheart, but incredibly naïve.
Jewel= Our girl, works on Dream World ALL THE TIME. If she's not, it's not her.
Jewel2= aka "Hoseki-chan." She's 14-15, hyperactive, blindingly enthusiastic but not toxic? We don't think she does anything social, she's just the one who's out in public when we're alone? Like in high school! Jackie talks to people.



About the oats. Jemma likes them, but so does Jackie.
We think Jackie's the one that binges "gleefully" because she doesn't want to EAT anything, she just wants to taste stuff and purge it. She does this for "fun," not for coping or anything, and that's bad.
Jayce is very upset and he's actually praying for those girls to get their fronting rights taken away from them, because they're only hurting everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

...

our sense of time has been absolutely destroyed this month,

and i think the truest proof of that is that i just remembered that our 12th anniversary is tomorrow.

...

i think the best thing i can possibly say is that i smiled at that realization.

apparently a few years back, one of our cores couldn't feel anything? and they panicked over this date, they were freaking out because they didn't know who he was or who they themselves were or what any of it was about... not so this year.
not so this year, not at all.

i was just asked "how do you stay in tune." and i thought about that. i reached in and felt it, all glittering and glowing soft, and i wondered, exactly what fuels this light? how does this symphony keep ringing like handbells in a cathedral even when there's a hurricane outside? what turns the storm clouds to summer rain? what breaks through the darkness with all the quiet warmth of a candle? what is it, i wondered, what is this iridescence, what is this song really,

and it's just love. that's all it is.

perhaps that sounds cliched. i just have to giggle at that, i don't mind, let me be the biggest cliche in the book if that's the case; love is what makes our world go round and i'm glad for it. let me keep this planet turning then, with blood sweat and tears if i have to.
and that's what i feel when i say "love." i mean the swords in laurie's heart. i mean the teeth sunk into mine. i mean the depths that define chaos 0, i mean the golden buzzing burn that defines genesis, i mean the bite of the steam that circles my daughter's head like a halo.
my daughter, and i can even say that as easily as a songbird right now,
it's all about love. true love, complete love, compassionate wise brilliant love, the sort that will march through desert and deluge alike, the sort that is unconditional without force, the sort that embraces every soul as a friend, even if they don't act like one. the sort that sees that without effort, because what else could you possibly see?

i guess that's just what i'm built on. and i am so, so, so blessed to be part of this glorious system, this spectrum of love, where all of us shine like that in our own ways, brighter and brighter always, no matter how dim or dark we were before.


and tomorrow is our anniversary, and it's been twelve years,
god, that's almost half our life now. next year it will be.
...
i can't stop smiling. his anchor plush is over there on the nightstand and i see him every night now when i close my eyes and it's become a welcome sight upon sleeping to see that sudden green, that brilliant spring-leaf hue that i used to wish for with all my heart, and now it's there like coming home, every single night,
genesis accompanies me every time i go driving, xenophon still follows me to church every weekend, laurie wakes me up every morning, infinitii is always just a heartbeat away...

there's so much love in here from all of us for all of us and i'm so happy right now even if we're only going to get 4 hours of sleep and another jam-packed schedule tomorrow... ah well. at least we're alive. at least it's christmas, even if it's summer weather outside and the house is a bit addled. it's okay. a little extra care goes a long, long way, this i know.


but the tree is pink this year, JUST like it was in the Underground back in 2013, when Knife fell in love with the vibe of the season and decided to keep part of it down in their tunnels all year... it's pink, it's pink on white with little bits of all their hue on it and i didn't even decide this... flowers for knife, mirrors for ashen, fans for mulberry, angels for julie, crystals for sugar, and even the normal shiny baubles are making me think of jennifer, who's joining us now.
it's the month of rebirth, after all.
(there's even some red candy canes on it for razor's sake, gotta include her somehow)

i wonder about that. every december, magic happens, life returns somehow. we've been very dissociated this month, but...
we're still together, we're reaching more and more lost alters, they're learning now, learning respect and wonder and love, learning to care for themselves and believe they deserve something brighter and broader and better. we're healing addictions, we're being more forgiving, we're learning to trust and discern and be more selfless, we're just... doing so much better all around, even if we haven't noticed it sharply because it's all been tiny clear steps, adding up, and now we're so high up this staircase we can see the whole valley stretched out indigo and green below us.
intuition and compassion. isn't that fitting.
(those two have been as wonderful as ever too)


...today was confession, the big one before christmas. we went to my favorite church in town, saint john's, it was just as gorgeous as ever.
...
i thought about it all day. laurie and waldorf can tell you. we worried ourself sick over it. but we made up our mind.
and we confessed the thing we've wanted to for years and were always too afraid to,
and julie was sobbing, she couldn't stop saying thank you, she'd wanted to feel that specific absolution since she joined us, and we'd wanted it for longer... and we got it, through courage and compassion we got it.

i had the biggest feeling that december 21st was going to be important and there you go, it was.


i brought my camera. i took a photo of the church on the way home.

it captured the feeling of light and hope and warmth perfectly.




but tomorrow is 12 years. wow.
i love him, i do. i really do. i love him more than i can put into words but it feels like a snowfall now, just quietly glittering with the christmas lights, a sort of bliss that's overwhelming but serenely so, the kind that makes your heart want to burst just from smiling so wide. it's different from what jewel used to get, hers had so much more pain, and i can feel that but really it's so nice to have peace settled into this progress, the sort of peace that's there because you made it, because you flew over the whole ocean with this olive branch and by golly now that you're on solid ground it's going to become a forest of hope, a sanctuary of new life with a rainbow stretching endlessly overhead.

i'm getting poetic. i really need sleep. we need to deal with evenings more wisely, it's tough when you get home late and end up eating at 7pm because that alone will toss off your schedule. ah well. we'll do better tomorrow.


...i haven't had a legit heart connection in a few weeks because i'm so used to being with the daemons and uh, they're far more direct and ardent, in a teeth-to-the-ribs sort of way. they're very interesting and i love them.
but chaos 0 isn't slipping as much as he was before. he's very strongly holding on to who he is and i can see him all the time now, remember back in 2006 or 2007 when that jewel first started seeing him and she was overwhelmed with love, but it was so rare for her to have sight like that? and now it's constant. now whenever i turn my eyes inwards i can see everyone, everything, so clearly, effortlessly, all at once. i can trace their faces with my hands and i would except i become a trembling wreck of love and dissolve into dust from it. maybe i should. it'd be festive enough, if i'm the only snow we're going to see this week then so be it.


in any case it's late/early and i only meant to write three sentences here tonight but you know how it is.


good night everyone, i love you all.
see you tomorrow!

 

today!


- painting at work again. dad's building a big book cabinet for someone so we do all the primer+paint work. it's fun.
most of the time was javier talking to jeremiah.

people tuning into their GENUINE vibes in light of that crosslight thing I mentioned yesterday.
lynne and laurie both REWINDING to their earliest selves in a sense when that happens??? lynne feeling a LOT like she did when she was cerise-- that is her REAL core-- and Laurie being staunchly protective and righteous, no laughing-it-off at all.

lynne worried because the orange she's been holding is too saturated? like it's catching too much hyperactivity and it's not resonating with her "comfort, caring, and stability" purpose.
she also struggles to act in that 'saturated' way when she fronts, which is notable. it catches the manics and it DOES NOT RESONATE WITH HER! yes lynne does have a "fun" aspect to her color (orange always does) BUT it's not as "lethally carefree" as it's been manifesting, cranked up to 15 or so.
we need to CALM DOWN in general; our mind is a mess from all the stress. long meditation sessions are required. the lack of sleep isn't helping.
kyanos is our main meditative person; for whatever reason when we started doing breathing exercises in therapy he's the one who immediately fronted and did them, well and serenely. "serene" is a word that fits him very well,
too.

there was something very important we found out?? to do with the children??
KIDS GROW UP.
IF THERE'S AN INTERNAL PROBLEM WITH WOMEN, IT WILL STILL AFFECT GIRLS.
EVEN THE LITTLE LITTLE ONES.
THAT'S HUGE.

this was showing up in how marigold and david were acting? mostly how david keeps catching anger and we do NOT want him turning into an "angry/selfish young man" solely because we were programmed through exposure to think that's the ONLY OPTION.
IT'S NOT THE ONLY OPTION.
yes david might stay a child forever. BUT. if he ever did want to grow older, he can STAY as sweet and kind and soft as he is now. THAT CAN HAPPEN.
and yes this is affecting jay a lot too, it's likely why he's still unstable at the edges.

hints of heartspace happening?? tuning into it more now. thank god. thank god.
laurie and lynne especially are both working together lately to become more in-tune; they're old buddies and they also have more history than anyone else in the System, Julie and Waldorf excluded because of their not being in Central for most of the time.
but yeah. heartspace is HUGELY IMPORTANT and we are going there whenever we can, to heal, as THAT'S where the serious magic happens; it's built for the purpose of mutability and possibility and growth.
jewel is always around to help, too; she has virtually god-tier powers in heartspace so if stuff gets dangerous she's there to save anyone.


josephina saying how the main thing about his/hir purpose (who just laughed and said "dude ANY pronouns are fine!!") has always been honesty?
it's a very yellow thing. honesty, honor, integrity-- basically, being true to one's purpose. it's a very solid feeling. very much like what yellow is in dream world. you know, with dakeep and elevolt and saturn and kevoryu and people like that.


kyanos talking to javier? last night kyanos really latched onto e saying his heart resonated most with "integrity" in undertale, he's been easier to see/hear since then actually.
so the words "serenity" and "integrity" fit the Sky color vibe exactly, that's notable.

minty talking to marigold and david. david remembers her!! was excited to see his friend.
honestly it was so nice to see him happy like the child he is again; he's been so hurt and angry lately, it ached.
marigold a little scared of minty at first (her eyes), so minty tried caringly to ease her fear, even tried to change her eye appearance. marigold said she still wanted to be friends because she knew minty wasn't bad even if she 'looked a little scary.' i remember minty worriedly asking braxton if she was even allowed to change her eyes and he smiled (!) softly and said whatever she felt she should do.

eros still isn't back. name is the big obstacle.


something we haven't mentioned yet= 'delta' name motif with archivists??
also unnamed "social logic alter," used to get confused with sherlock, BUT this one holds NO data, just thinks super-logically to the point of overanalyzing everything to death?
they write fairly often here, but we catch them.


another thing we haven't mentioned
the freakin frenchiest fry showing up IN OUR SYSTEM and STICKING??????????
WHY???????
laurie calls him (??) "frenchie" and they're actually really really damn helpful
so hey I guess that’s why they stuck?
outspacers are so weird, if the System decides someone outside is exactly what we need, for good or ill... then chances are they are going to show up inside sooner or later.
birthday is december 3rd I think?? color is very obviously yellow. cool dude actually, fronts way too easily, but that's good because he's very self-confident and GOOD yellow. that whole thing. still very very blurry self-wise though; no solid body in headspace yet but like all outspacers there's a "skeletal energy" there, kind of ghosty. when fronting he still can't talk to the System yet either, that requires a more solid sense of self and "beyond self."
that's notable too. most of our socials can't talk to headspace because they can't think outside themselves, if that makes sense? like jessica, she's so obsessed with "physical pleasure" that she has NO sense of spirituality or abstractness, and she CANNOT talk to headspace because that's out of her realm of comprehension.
shockingly, jennifer is growing out of this. like we said yesterday, she's becoming linked to headspace which could be MASSIVELY HELPFUL if she doesn't get yanked out of social functioning altogether. she's so, so sweet. we actually all like her now that we're getting to know her. the only problem with her is that she's blindingly naive. she was created to be the "work social," basically the "people pleaser," existing to be that sweet kind nice girl that everyone always expected us to be, a "hostess" almost. and she does it very very well because she LIKES it and she likes people and she genuinely wants to be that kind. so she's a GREAT person. the only problem is she cannot handle any negative emotions. i don't know if she can even understand them yet. and we're afraid of breaking her. so... right now we're leaving her to do what she will. even if she gets inside connections we won't push anything, let her deal at her own pace and time. we NEED someone as hyper-innocent as her because she's unfazed by family stress, which is something we have a LOT of right now. even if someone says something awfully mean to our face-- which would typically trigger simeon and then wreckage-- jennifer can't integrate that thought process so she honestly smiles and figures "oh, they're just having a bad day. i'll be nice to them." and whatever they said didn't register. so it's a way of REALLY surviving right now. we need her around.
more on that as it develops of course.

i still wonder if nousfoni who are moving levels like that, the ones who aren't in headspace, could go through heartspace first as a sort of initiaion into the upstairs? because heartspace can be that sort of bridge, acting/feeling like downstairs at first, then introducing new upstairs elements and gradually changing as they're able until they're ready to fully anchor upstairs (if need be)?
it's a thought. it'd help them grow MUCH more strongly as their own people, too, as barely any socials think of themselves that way at first.



when shopping today= "I have no interest in buying anything that we won't actually eat."
THANK YOU JAY

getting much much better at intuition too. still have to be careful, but trust is big.
good isn't "goody two shoes" remember. TRUE goodness has honor AND compassion.
remember! if it seems wise but has no love it's NOT WISDOM!!!




later on, listening to tons of christmas music (kenny g!) and finding more on spotify.
favorite find so far= "carol of the banjos"


watching a "vinesauce" undertale video that someone randomly linked, did that for like an hour because he was voice-acting it and when he gets to asgore, he goes for a morgan-freeman type voice but there's a tone to that voice that still works and... it made me really… it gave me that sad-happy feeling, watching that scene again.
laurie was warning us strictly to actually stop watching because we were becoming too detached an observer, becoming too dissociated.
we want to try another playthrough. get a happier ending. we really should.


someone made some really good food BUT it made us sick. which was sad.
at least people are trying.

we drank so many lemons today

finally got to put up lights on the porch!
just wrapped three lights around the trellis because i didn't have a ladder to get to the roof. it still works. then i hung a line across the porch windows because otherwise that whole side of the house is dark.



NO HACKS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
it was so scary today after that girl yesterday.



last night btw= coming home from choir, genesis insisting we get in the christmas spirit, loudly started singing "jingle bells" and making jay sing along until he was laughing so hard he was almost in tears. It was fantastic.

I just realized tomorrow is thursday. it's going go be insanely busy.
laurie says we absolutely need sleep right now so off we go.

 

I'm in pain and I'm scared and I'm sad and I thought this had stopped two years ago.

why do you think that damn massacre happened in the first place.

ABOUT US IN GENERAL

 

• "Jessica" has not been around since approximately 2003. We, the Lightraye System, exist in the wake of her absence and we care deeply about this life and each other so everything is still working out okay.

• The main persons in charge of running the body are Jewel Lightraye, Jay Iridos, and Jayce Lytraile. They have markedly different functions but they are all very sweet individuals.
  Jewel deals with heartspace, Jay deals with headspace, Jayce deals with bodyspace.

• We still have no childhood memories. We still love the family. You're all wonderful people and we are glad to know you.

• We do not cut for attention, or "to feel," or from depression. "Cutting" does not even register to our heads. We atone. For us, the "cuts" are retribution for sins committed through our body, sins too great to endure without immediate penance.

• Concerning the "purging" aspect of the eating disorder. This is a trauma coping reaction. We have several very damaged young alters who insist on eating just to throw it up, because they find this deeply comforting and cathartic. This is because these alters use the binge-purge cycle as a "re-living the trauma" process, in an effort to feel like they are "spitting out" all the bad feelings forever.

• We do not want to die from this, and we are fighting tooth and nail to heal. However we recognize how sick we are already and must acknowledge the possibility of sudden death.

• We are not suicidal. We love life, so much. We are just in a great deal of pain from our healing process.

ABOUT THE "LEAGUEWORLDS" (our "stories")

 

• Everything written from 2006-2011 should be considered non-canon until further notice. We wrote a lot of obligatory nonsense during that time and it damaged a great deal of storylines.

• There is no reproduction in Dream World or Parnassus.

• There are NO sexual relationships in ANY series, for that matter. Negative alters keep trying to shove that stuff in them, true, but Jewel always has the final say and she says NO. So do the rest of us good people inside.

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
So some ignorant girl got staelh-jacked tonight.

someone LOST OIR RAZOR AGAIN.
HIW HT EHELL IS THAT EVEN PSOIBLE.
HOW DO YOU LOSE A RAZOR.

also apparently the hackers are giving us CHEMICAL BURNS.




(left like this)

- maybe ALL the hackers are like julie?
the one acts JUST LIKE SHE DID originally.
headvoices are never created "evil" so to speak, just like humans.
the TAR is evil. it possesses people.
julie was created as a waste-lock for all that shit. it was never HER. she just could never exist as an individual in her own right until it was taken out of her.
maybe it's the same thing for these new hackers.

that's why laurie is super-hesitant to even hurt, let alone kill, these new hackers who are more "lost" or "damaged" than anything. yes the worst ones are still purely malicious. but most of them are just devastatingly confused or misled. and laurie remembers julie, she cares about her so much, she doesn't want to take away that chance of redemption from these people who are probably suffering just as much as her friend did in that same state.
I don't blame her. but it's heartwrenching that we're still paying in blood for their sins, whether or not they realize they're sinning or not, so to speak.



- mirrors cause instant dissociation/depersonalization and pave the way for severe hacks because, looking in one immediately puts a rift between the self and the body, viewing it as something "other," to be objectified.

- one of the worst hackers is triggered whenever we look at the body.
if she sees our hands, or legs, or stomach, or anything, her immediate thought is "mm how sexy" and she tries to rape us.
she is the MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she views our body as inherently lustful and that's disgusting and terrifying.

- the WORST eating alters are AWARE of what their horrible habits do to the body BUT THEY REFUSE TO FACE THOSE CONSEQUENCES.
we literally told the one girl who binges on oats and shit that "when you eat that, the body gets horribly ill and we have to purge" to which the response was "I don't have to purge anything." no matter what her mindset was "I never get sick. I eat what I want and I enjoy it. if something happens later, that's your problem."
literally if the body starts to get sick while she's fronting she will IMMEDIATELY LEAVE and leave us to clean up her hideous mess.

- there may be two eating alters for that purpose: the one super-hyper red who is "toxically optimistic," laughing and guffawing at everything, and who also eats like a pig. however the one who says "I never have to purge" is a "who the heck cares?" sort of scraped-out alter, but in a proud way, not an empty way. I don't know what their relation is. they feel like two halves of one alter.


- now that we've discovered the "watcher" problem, that's why the worst hackers think they are the cores. if we're talking upstairs, or typing like we are now, and one of them starts watching, their mindset is "look at this fake shit. it's not real because I'M the watcher. I'M the only real one. I am GOD." which is horrifying but it's exactly what those girls think. (and yes they are ALWAYS ONLY GIRLS)
but when we catch them now we can step in instead, actually consciously acting instead of just 'watching.'
we may be able to use this to our advantage in therapy now. if these girls ARE "corrupted gatekeepers" simply because of their god-complex, then if we override that through awareness of what they're doing, we can talk past their numbing-block.
for example. yesterday's sudden xanga, the angry alter started swearing at the worst watcher-hacker because she kept saying we were fake BUT also clarified that "you can't move the body, can you??"
that is EXACTLY WHAT JULIE USED TO DO TO US. that is why we always thought we were possessed, because she would force us into a "watcher" role and take over the body. it's literally abusive co-fronting.
the current hackers don't do this solely because they won't want anyone knowing what they do, so they kick everyone else out and use their "watcher authority" to block all awareness out so they can screw around with the body or other people or anything.
but we're learning. we're able to break through and watch them now at least. although that is terrifying and we do NOT want to do it, it's at least a step towards stopping them. if we can get into the skull, then maybe we can interrupt them mentally, maybe we can get enough people in there to smother the hacker influence and force awareness upstairs, therefore stopping the hacker (we hope)… but the point is, the skull is one step away from the body. we can spontaneously get into the body during a hack and stop everything but it's a very clumsy state and we can easily get shoved out again, because the body is dizzy and sick and discombobulated, like trying to walk under anesthesia.
that's the hardest thing to get through because you can't anchor into something that miasmatic, let alone something that swamped with evil intentions and fogbank apathy.
but we're trying. god knows we're still doing our best, we'll never give up.



- about the body sexualization: it's very hard for anyone to front in it because the mindset switch is instant and massive.
this is why we still carry cannon's torch in wanting nullification surgery ASAP.

we read something once, that terrified us. it was some sort of book saying breastfeeding was apparently "m*king l*ve to the infant." as in, yes breasts ARE sexual organs, that’s their purpose. they said this is why women should not breastfeed in public, because it was effectively exhibitionism and it would "emotionally wound" the child because the mother wasn't making it a private affair or some shit. it was disgusting. this same book talked about cultures were people would apparently fondle infants to "make them happy." and they praised this, saying our western culture was silly for condemning it, because "it makes the baby happy so it can't be wrong" and BULL F*CKING SHIT.
YOU DON'T EXPOSE INFANTS TO ADULT BIOLOGY FUNCTIONS YOU LITERAL DEMONS
YOU'RE DISGUSTING
but that's the fear. that's the horrible fear. that we were born with these things and as long as we have them, we're "obligated to be that sort of being."
that's the religious upbringing again, but twisted by social messages. I'm not exactly sure what it's being motivated by now, but the thought process is:
"you have female sex organs. you are, biologically, an adult female. adult females are supposed to be sultry and sexy and mating with adult men. you need to have children and be sexually available for both them (through the breasts) and your husband (through the other things). this is your ROLE as a woman. this is what ALL woman are born to be."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GARBAGE.
where did this come from, the gender binary? family messages? the church? everything out there?

The worst part is that this mindset has no room for non-cishet people.
This mindset tells us, flat-out and with total righteous conviction, "you can't be trans. Your soul is female. Your INHERENT BEING is female. You must be a receptive soft sexual woman. THIS IS YOUR GOD-GIVEN PURPOSE."
"non-binary doesn't exist, there are two sexes decreed by God and if you deny that you are a blasphemer and a devil,""asexuality is a corruption of God's plan, he created man and woman to be sexual procreative sensual beings; if you do not participate in that you are literally rejecting god's plan for you, and sinning."

what the hell is this
what the hell is this

I want to cry. I am so terrified that they might be right.
but.
but.
here's the thing.

judge not by hollow words but by their consequences.

every single instance of sexuality that we have EVER endured has done nothing but hurt us agonizingly. it makes us a terrible person.

it has never ever ever made us feel close to god, or like we were doing the "right thing." quite the opposite actually, and overwhelmingly so.

"well that's because you're doing it wrong"
you've been telling me that all my life. what the hell do you consider "doing it right," then??
I've TRIED to be straight. I've TRIED to be cisgender. I've TRIED to be flirty and sensual and all the "womanly" shit you demand I be.
IT DOESN'T EVER WORK.

"well then you're too corrupted for it to work"

SCREW YOU.

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

and they're smiling. "see, you speaking to us like this, proves your sinfulness. a true Christlike person would never speak in such a way."

and then the guilt and shame crush our backbones and we crumple into fear, small childlike whimpering fear, "is that true? are they right? are they really that good? am I really that bad?"

and that is what makes us hesitate to fight off hacks.


I'm going to print this out and give it to the therapist. Again.
I can never remember if we've spoken about this stuff, which isn't surprising, as it's awfully painful to even type, and speaking it aloud is practically incomprehensible. we can't bear to make the body speak these words, it would feel like poison in our mouth.

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SHERLOCK EPISTEME ???



Why are you so bloody angry.

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE FREAKING BROKTHER FROM WORK BUT THEY TOLD US "EAT YOU WHROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SO WE HAVE TO FFCCKIGN "EAT" SHIT2B,NZDV A
BEFORE WE GO AND I DON’T FCKNG WANT TO ITS FISDHFDFUXGZDSFVNHDKJFFFFFFO L


Stop abusing the keyboard, that's how you broke our last computer. Tell us what the heck Is making you so angry.

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I CANT DO SHIT EVERYTIONE IS TELLING ME "DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS TO DUTHEBFS DO THATZ1:"!:!!!!" AND WE OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT QUIET TIME TO OUTSELF TO TYPE AND WHATEVER BUT I DON’T KNOW WE DON’T HAVE THAT FUKCING TIME BECAUSE WHENEVER WE DO SHE COMES OUT THAT SELFISH STUPID PROUD BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW HER LAURIE SHE'S A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO O'M PSISED OFF BECAUSE SHE CKEEPS COMING THE FCK OUT AND BEING ALL SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND PISSY OROUD AND FCKING SHIT AND IN THE MEANTIME WE NEED TO DO STUFF FOR THEF AMILY BEU SHE SHJUST WANTS TO DO HER SHIT AND I HATE HER. I HATE HER. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IER HAER IA HAER

Calm the heck down. Who are you talking about? This kid?

THAT GIRL. YEAH. THE ONE TIED TO THE OLD GREEN LIVEJOURNAL PICTURES UPSTAIRS. WHOEVER SHE IS. SHE'S A BITCH. I HATE HER.
SHE WANTS EVERYTHING TO BE ABOUT HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SO DAMNED SMART. PREACHING ALL THE FCKING TIME. ASSUMING SHE HAS ALL THE FCKING ANSWERS. I HATE HER.

Shoot, this is what we see in the brother, isn't it.

HYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES SHE ACTS THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is she tied to the given name?

Almost? The response we're getting from it is a mix of her and Jezebel, I think?

It's an angry response to the given name, always. An angry, self-hating, world-hating response. Identical to the brother.

Holy swords. It really is.

That explains a lot.

So. Let's close this up. We're angry because…?

We're not angry, they're angry, and she's angry because-- are you a she?

CLOSE ENOUGH. ALL THE ANGRY PEOPLE USUALLY ARE.

Yeah we need to fix that too.

It all branches from the core, Laurie.

SHE'S NOT THE COER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH IS NOT THE CORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!!!!!!! SO TELL THE THERAPIST TO STOP CALLING HER THAT TOO BECAUSE I FCKING BHATE HER AS A RESULT

Okay, okay. We can't tell her right now but we will on Monday. Shoot, didn't we just try telling her yesterday though? That "Jessica" is an alter?

She feels like Jezebel, that's the scary part.

Probably tied, they're both old after all.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE JESSICASN AND I HATE THEM ALL

Yeah, that name is pretty bloody evil up here, I know. Geez, we need to fix that.

WHY. THEY'RE BITCHES.

We need to fix it because there's too much hatred in the System as a result of them existing and we need to get rid of that. Heal them somehow, if not, then get them the heck out of here.

I DON’T WANT THEM HEALED. THEY'RE BITCHES. I WANT THEM DEAD.

You know, healing doesn't mean they're going to stay as they are now, right? Julie didn't. I mean, look at her. She's nowhere near what she was before she joined us. Maybe those "bitches" can do the same.

…I DON’T KNOW. I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. AND ALL THE SHIT THEY DO.

Now why do you hate them, just because of their actions, right?

AND THEIR PERSONALITIES. YOU KNOW THEM.

Yeah, I do. Sorry, I've been slipping a heck of a lot lately.

We know, Laurie. Just be careful.

THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!! ACTING AS AN "OBSERVER" AND JUDGING US ALL AS SHIT. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU GODFFORSAKEN BITCH?????????? JUST BECASUESE YOU CAN SIT IN THE BODY AND JUDGE MY SPELING AND THINK "OH WELL I CAN JUST WAETCH YOU THAT MUST MEAN ITS ALL FAKE!!!!!!!!!!" ARE YOU TYPONIG THIS, BITFCH??????????? NO. YOUR HANDS AREN'T DOINGA DAMN THING. HOW DOES THAT FEL, WHORE???? TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOURH HANDS?????????? THAT YEAH YOU CAN WATCH ALL YOU WANT BUT YUORES STUCK IN THE SKULL. YOU CA'T EVEN MOVE THE BODY. I CAN DO WHTEVER THE HECK I WANT. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????????????????????????????////

Holy smokes, that's a milestone.

What?

Realizing there's a level split with those alters. THAT'S why they're always proclaiming they're the "cores," because they're under the false delusion that they are,simply because they can watch us. They're cut off from us, so they assume that anything other than them is fake.

Geez.

So that's good to know. That also explains the huge numb periods that show up whenever they do decide to watch, because their immediate action upon showing up is to cut off all contact to headspace. They don't WANT to know about us, because we're "fake," but even moreso than that, we know they're guilty. We can count their sins on our hands. We KNOW they're being bitches, and people like you who hate them, well they hate you the most, because you don't let them get away with their garbage.

I KNOW!!!! SO YO REALIZE I'M GOOD??? YOU DON’T' THINK
YOU DON'T THINK I'M EVIL OR HATE ME?? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?

Who's "everyone else?"

THE FAMILY--

SEE THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER IMMEDIATE RESPONSE TO THE GRANDMOTHER WAS TO SAY "FCK YOU" WHEN SHE ASKED WHAT DAY IT WAS, NOW SHE'S GLOWERING AND GLARING JUST LIKE THE BROTHER WHO THE FCK IS THIS, LAURIE KILL HER, GET RID OF HER, SHE'S EVILM, SHE'S HOLDING US ALL BACK, SHE'S SABOTAGING ALL OUR SPIRITUAL PROGRESS, SHE'S ANNIHILATING OUR LOVE AND HOPE AND DREAMS AND TURNING IT INTO ADDICTION AND SELF-HATRED AND ABUSIVE CYCLES AND SHIT KILL HER; PLEASE. KILL HER

Kid I can't even try to kill someone permanently if the System won't allow it, and if I can't reach them I can do even less trying. That's the problem. "Floating alters" like her and you, socials as it were, are out of my reach. That ticks me off and makes me really existentially upset but hey, them's the breaks. I've gotta deal. Believe me, if I could reach her, I'd have my axe in her face in a bloody second.

How does that existentially upset you?

Makes me question my purpose. My existence, and the reason thereof. "Protect the System. Protect the cores." And THAT'S a whole other thing, realizing that at least one of the "cores" I used to protect ended up being a bitch. …That's really heartbreaking.

Which one?

The first one, the one in the Xangas who almost dated Q or something equally mindless and who was dramatic as hell. She just turned toxic after so many years. That's probably why I was so furious with her all the time. …Man. Hindsight seriously hurts.

Why, realizing you didn't know it then?

I didn't know they change. I didn't bloody know that they weren't all the same person, just shifting up. I thought… I didn't bloody realize that there were splits.Maybe in 2010 that was the first one, with the suicide attempt. …Maybe there were splits even before that, I don't know. It's so far out of memory I can't even reach it anymore. …And that heartless girl keeps freaking watching us type and judging it all as bullshit and I bloody hate you, I hate to say that but I hate you for the hatred in you and how you hate EVERYONE but yourself and God forgive me but if I could kill you I would.

Laurie--

(But you can't, bitch)

WHAT did you just say to me???????

Laurie, what are you doing--

Trying to kill a bloody social. Watch me.



…Confound it all, I can't do it, she keeps coming back. I can't bloody reach her.

Can someone else take her spot?

Man I hope so. I hope so. It's just going to take a heck of a lot of determination, get someone else in there to watch at all times. That's going to be a conscious effort because the non-conscious default is that BITCH.

…Where'd that angry floating alter go?

She's not around because I'm catching the anger right now. Floating ones catch vibes. That stuff runs through the blood of everyone in the System. 'Swhy there are so many split anchors. Geez. I'm sorry, my head hurts, can we close this up?

Yeah, I'm just scared that when we leave, that "Jessica" girl is going to come back and screw things up.

Well… to hell with her. To hell with her, it's where she bloody belongs.

Laurie. Don't let the hatred kill you too.

…I'm sorry, Lynne, it just hurts so much.

I know. But… don't let it kill you.

…Okay. Okay, I'll calm down. I'm really sorry, it just… it gets so bad.

I know, Laurie. I've felt it too, remember, and it's toxic stuff. That's why I'm saying be careful.

We need to go inside and work on this but those bitches won't let us--

Hey, do you think it's because the bro's around now? Like he keeps triggering those vicious girls because they act just like him?

Shoot, probably. We'll have to tell the therapist on Monday. Anyway we have to close this up as we do have errands to run and then we have church and that bitch is already trying to push through and control everybody but to hell with you, there is more to life than you, we exist outside of you and far past you and when everything bloody dies on this planet WE'RE going to go on beyond it and YOU are going to bloody dissolve with the rest of the devil's work. Mark my words. We're eternal. You're not.

…

Sorry. I'm really badly distraught, Lynne, I need some downtime. Hold me or something, come on, I need comfort.

Haha, all right Laurie. …Sorry you're feeling like this.

I know. …I love you guys, okay? I'm only doing this because I want the best for us, all of us.

Even them?

…Yeah. Ultimately, even them. I just… I'm sorry, I let the hate get the better of me. It's toxic stuff, like you said. But it's…

Intoxicating?

No, I don't like it. It's poisonous. It's overwhelming, it gets in you and won't get out, but while it's in there it's so bloody distressing it takes all your attention.

It's cathartic.

That's it!

I know.

Terribly stupid how ironic that is, huh.

Yeah.

…Should we close this up?

Yeah, errands. We'll continue this later if we need to. As for now, we need someone to consciously front in the System so we don't sabotage all our efforts again.

Isn't Jay supposed to do that?

He's supposed to, but he's hard to find when hatred is swamping the body, as he's incompatible with that.

Can't he flush it out though?

Yeah, he can, the problem is getting him IN there. And keeping him there, when the girls want him dead.

They do??

Yeah, no kidding, he's the antithesis of everything they stand for.

Well I can see why you hate them now.

Let me affectionately sass you for a second. Don't let it kill you.

Ahaha, I walked right into that one.

Still applies!

Yeah, thanks Laurie.

You too, Jo, I know you catch this bad, too.

Sometimes. I do.

Yellow's a tough color as far as anger is concerned. But really, we need to close this up. Think of Infinitii with all this Black stuff, that's what I wanted to say first.

Ah, that's a good idea.

Isn’t it? Transmutation. Infinitii kicked it in the teeth, when they were trying to use hir for their evil ends, now look at hir. Perfect example of transcendence there. Now let's go, we have work to do. Jo, lighten up, this mood doesn't suit you.

It's hard to let go of properly, Laurie.

…Shoot, wasn't Jay just typing about this too? Remind him, talk to him later, about the Yellow concerns. Okay?

Hehe. Aye-aye, Captain.

There we go, that's a start. Just be careful, you too.

We need to talk about this later!!

Thank you! I'm terrible at closing things, let's just do that already.

Sounds good to me!

 

 

god i'm so scared.


we were so good for most of november. only like... 4 hacks this month . thank god.

but the one girl, was out tonight,
what do we call ehr? we always have post-event names for the social alters, they're so vague, we cant talk to them and they dont ocome upstairs
but i think "jacinth" is her name
the one who keeps sacrificing herself for girls
shes not evil, but what shE DOES IS EVIL

and the one furious but righteous but cruel alter was out in her wake
swearing at her, calling her a faggot, saying she's going to burn in hell,
they said they felt like the one concept of satan as an angel who loved god more than anything and so he refused to be subservient to humans or something
i cant reacall exactly, but they had that feeling. "you're evil. i wil punisn you, i want to see you burn in hell. i am not in heaven because i am too cruel. but i will work to purge the world of anyone who goes against heaven. like YOU."
basically, they work for good but can neevr reach the good people because they are so full of hate and anger. but they will not tolerate evil.

so that was tonight

we had to atone and laurie found out she FRACTURED
THAT'S WHY SHE'S BEEN SO SCREWED UP
we need to bve very evvery very veyr vigilant with her now

but we atoned and it hurt, it hurts, it hurts,
were still bleeding and it hutrs it hurts
i dont want to do this antmymore

we're sos cared are we dying?
this is simeon hello.
the body is giving up we think. it is too sick, too sad. it's sick because it is so sad.
and it is tired all the time.

jay is fracturing too. the hacks are getting to him. he can't stay as 'innocent' as he must to stay in his core role, if he knows about hacks. so he splinters too. he gets vicious
but he hurts, he hurts like all of us do




(unfinished)