the spectrum heart cathedral system

Dude we are reviewing old entries and I am going to CRY apparently the Pokemon closest to our current height and weight is AEGISLASH.

(at my ideal weight I'm apparently a Skarmory, which I find amusingly fitting because I vibe hard with metal but I still want to fly-- and I have to say that dang Skarmory is actually kind of gorgeous? NICE. I never appreciated their beautiful head shape & sharp teeth before. Well NOW I DO)

But... this is aching so much because I don't know if it was ever said outright in the Archives but the Jay who was alive in 2013 before the massacre was in love with his Aegislash. Toshinsei was his name.
We... don't know what happened to him, or any of Jay's Pokemon, after the massacre. That just destroyed the entire timeline. Apparently Jewel took over playing Y version but we have no data whatsoever on that? And then we apparently lost the cartridge in CNC so we'll never get that data back. Which is heartbreaking.

...You know what, we really need to talk about the fact that we get legit attracted to Pokemon WAY too often. Has anyone actually discussed that before?
I'll start by saying that we are absolutely "kin" with Mewtwo and have been since literally 1999. I don't think we've ever brought that up online. We were absolutely "kin" with Celebi around 2000-2002, but that got all tangled up with the D.I.D. and the Irispherae and we ended up with several Celebis, haha. So debatably, the "kintype" wasn't actually that, we just have a Celebi introject. Totally different thing!
HOWEVER. We have briefly mentioned Skittygirl before-- in that entry linked at the beginning and significantly in this brutal traumasink-- but that whole phenomenon felt almost "third person?" There was never any personal interaction. Headspace didn't exist yet; there was only Heartspace and Skittygirl wasn't in it; it never even occurred to Jewel that she could be talked to, theoretically. But whoever fronted back then-- and that girl is STILL around; we wonder if it's Jacinth?? or someone related to her?-- did have "feelings" for her. That brutal entry describes all we know of it, and we hesitate to label it. Was it "attraction?" Does that word even apply to us? All we know is that there was affection, and the REAL possibility that if we hadn't been locked in the closet back then, and if Jewel had put out her Linkstrings in Skittygirl's direction, who knows if she wouldn't have become an Inspacer, and eventually a girlfriend? Who knows if that might even happen now, if that foni pursues the possibility over two decades later? But the point for this entry is that there was something, and it was in both a queer context and a Pokemon context.
The next bit is interesting too, actually. At that time in our life (~2003), we were convinced that our Core would "always" kintype with the Legendary of that generation-- which was really jumping the gun, because there were only three generations at the time, and when Pearl was released and we had zero resonance with Manaphy or Shaymin we were thrown off so hard (but oh man wait until the future kiddos)-- and Jirachi was actually NOT an exception. The problem came when the movie was released, and we had NO resonance with that Jirachi, and their role in the narrative of the humans. No, our Jirachi was only in the games, and OUR Jirachi was BLUE with stars for eyes. However. This is the cool and weird bit. We LOST OUR SELF-IMAGE AROUND THIS TIME. Trauma was beginning and the gender dysphoria hit us like an airbus to the face, and we just stopped drawing ourself for YEARS. This screwed up a LOT of things, notably the entire Jewel bloodline, but that's a topic for another time. The point for today is that, because of this identity shattering, we didn't "kin" Jirachi. She was instead IMMEDIATELY written into the Moralimon story as her own person, but we were nowhere to be found. So she's a weird case. Deep down I can feel that someone wants to love her, and might have if life hadn't been so broken back then. I know jx7 was still very fond of her too. So we'll see what happens here.
NEVERTHELESS, I must mention that in the future, aka now, SOMEONE actually DOES kin Shaymin's Sky Form (it reminds us of Klonoa, apparently)?? AND someone ELSE actually DOES have "feelings" for... Deoxys.
Listen I have suspected this for YEARS and it's legit. I have no idea who is crushing on the space virus but I can't deny that there is someone.
(There are a lot of Pokemon friendships from Ruby BTW. Groudon (Aranodor) & Rayquaza (Shendu) were dear buddies; Latias was also a dear friend & we even saw her in dreams; our whole team was so beloved to us-- Fireball & Brilnimien & Dolenanca & Morgoth & the gang-- that game meant so much to us.)
As for Pearl version, that too changed over the years. We are really close to "kintyping" Mesprit, actually; I can feel it even now. Palkia (Aramenel) was on our team so he's a buddy, and so was a Froslass (Miringiel)-- which I mention because they are gorgeous but there's no "attraction" LIKE WE HAVE FOR DARKRAI. All caps because good Lord that species is beloved to us. We had Heartbreak on our team but then jx7 bought a plushie and Jay named him Ventrium and we... I don't think we realized how much we actually loved him until he died.
...We hadn't known him for very long, I remember. His self-awareness, his very consciousness, was so fragile. It was so new, something we call the "velveteen rabbit phenomenon," when a potential plush anchor is loved so much it effectively becomes ensouled. This happened ALL THE TIME when we were a small child-- where do you think most of our "imaginary friends" and many League "characters" came from? BELOVED TOYS. We "knew" that love made things come to life. We just never expected that to happen as an adult. But in retrospect it makes total sense. If we had met Ventrium in-game, he would already be. This was just a different process for the same outcome, as it were. We already loved the species. We just hadn't had the opportunity to love an individual of it AS their own person, until suddenly we had this plush, and... well, one day we knew. There's a feeling you get; it's unmistakable-- when suddenly someone is there, you know.
Deep down we miss him still. It's a strange feeling, because as I said, we didn't get to know him and couldn't because he hadn't been given the chance to grow into himself as a person. Trauma and hackers stole that from him. But... hope and love don't die, and they fight hard. They won't stop searching for him. One day I know he'll be given a different door-- not a game, not a plush, but perhaps simply a form in Heartspace, or in the League. However and whenever it would happen, he could come back to us that way, and finally live. We feel threads of promise for that even now. But our heart has to be ready for it too, or it won't be "allowed" to happen. It's a way of protecting that hope from further trauma. If there's still too much danger, the potential will be put on hold, until there's safety enough to protect and preserve them. But honestly? I think that can't happen UNLESS THE JEWELS ENSURE IT. There's too much headspace bleedover into heartspace, it feels like. It's causing too much risk. The only "safe place" for ANY Pokemon to manifest is in the care OF a Jewel, and if we can't play the games anymore, then she'll have to dream them a life. But it's the only way to give them a solid foundation free of the terror that haunts our head. How ironic, as Ventrium's species deals with nightmares... but perhaps that will be the door that ultimately brings him back up to us in the end, when he's ready. No sooner, no later. We won't lose him again.

Gleam is... I really think we're in love with him, too. He's our dream-Banette, our "favorite non-Legendary species" someone says (and I think that's legit). The Jewels have always loved nonhuman puppets/ jesters for some reason, and Hoseki WAS "The Shuppetmaster," famously so. So Banettes have always been beloved to us almost by default.
...

ANOTHER Pokemon that's part-kintype part-inspacer part-girlfriend is VIXIE. aka VICTINI. Jay had such a crush on her when her species was revealed BUT then she showed up in headspace and now she actually fronts.
SO DOES HOOPA! Gosh we love him but that's all queerplatonic! Still it's strong; he is a truly dear friend. We miss him lots but we know he hasn't left.

Galadia is a special case. We're NOT SURE who loved her-- and yes, loved her. There was definitely something there, judging by her Spotify playlist description alone. The problem is, Galadia showed up during the "omelet hell summer" right before UMPC #2, when we were mourning our grandmother so hard that every day we were driving to a diner that had her name and order an omelet because that's what we ate in CNC when we couldn't be with her. We were a mental disaster at that time, BUT Scarlet & Violet were due to release in November (ironically, right around the time we were discharged from the hospital), and so during that gutwrenching 5-month interim between grandma's death and another inpatient stint, whoever the heck was fronting was clinging to Pokemon as a lifeline. It was the only thing she could find that held hope, something conceptually tied to childhood innocence and now a family & home life that we could never return to, and of which the very memories were quickly being burned out by traumatic grief. I assume we were still hyperreligious, but Tilly couldn't stick around in our new state of perpetual mourning, and so someone else showed up to carry the crushing weight of that-- someone disturbingly like Jacinth. I don't know why our most trauma-battered somafoni are all young femme lesbians. That probably says a lot about our childhood that we haven't thought about.
Nevertheless, this girl was browsing Tumblr on our phone one night and suddenly, there was fanart of a Sneasler (specifically either this or this one; it was by that artist). We had never seen the species before, and immediately our girl was attracted to her. Aesthetically, sure, but also in that unique way these sad girls feel-- something almost dependent, something desperate, looking for someone they can lose themselves in and give themselves to so they don't have to exist as their own person. They did that with Celebi, and they wanted to do that with this Sneasler girl now-- who eventually was given the Outspacer name "Galadia," from Latin gladius I assume.
...
...The problem? Sneasler biology is scary, because they have wider hips than shoulders. Even official art of them gives them a very pear-shaped silhouette and that is TERRIFYING to us. Plus, something about the "star" mark on their face registers wrong and disturbs us, as does the roundness of their head shape. Weirdly, this person's art is totally fine in terms of shape AND marking. That's fascinating and I want to figure out exactly WHY. My kneejerk thought is that it's a better shoulder-hip ratio, and her abdomen ISN'T ROUND. That is a huge distinction actually.
...
Oh THIS one is MUCH better, but it doesn't feel like Galadia at ALL. It's just a "safe" bodyshape. .
...
THIS = left is unsafe. Right is safe. Notice the hips and the face shape.
THIS = oddly safe?? Something about the proportions
THIS = UNSAFE. Notable in light of previous; this one is thinner BUT more FEMININE as a result?? Plus the "thick arms" are very unsettling.
THIS = left is safe, right is unsafe. Notice the INVERSE leg widths, and hand/foot sizes.
THIS = fascinating because left is UNSAFE, and right is safe. The "baggy pants" look is bottom-heavy and that's FRIGHTENING. So are the "tapering" limbs, from thick to small. In contrast, the Lopunny has BIGGER hands than shoulders, BUT the hips are safe because the legs taper?? It's something with proportion ratios. ...Plus that's a very Infi silhouette. That's notable.
I apologize if that seems off-topic but it's not. "Attraction" and "safety" are VERY convoluted to us and we've never fully explored it because it's so frightening. So to notice immediate alarm bells or shocking lack thereof with this, I had to write it down, because it is DIRECTLY AFFECTING Outspacer potential!
...Honestly, I don't think Galadia will be allowed to return AS a Sneasler. There's too much fear there. We can't even look at the species without triggering legit panic symptoms. So she would have to anchor into the League instead, probably, unless she-- like Celebi and Jirachi-- get their own "look" UNIQUE to Heartspace for their species that IS safe. We'll see. We need to try to draw her then, for that to happen.



We're STILL trying to figure out what was going on with Chalyx & Calyrex BEFORE that (2021). There's definitely a strong fondness there, but it seems to be notably "queerplatonic." There's no attraction or romance, but there is a strong love nevertheless, and that's awesome to recognize. We just have no idea where Chalyx went and since we never played Sword/Shield, we have no actual interaction with Calyrex otherwise.

We ALSO have no idea what's going on with "Tammy." She's bizarre because, like Galadia, she's not from a game; she's just a Gardevoir who "manifested" in Heartspace because we felt such a strong affection for the species. But she's so enigmatic. She's never spoken to us. But she's real; we can see her, we feel her vibe clearly, we just... don't know her as a person yet.

Someone we may not have ever mentioned here because of her bizarre history is Marsha. She was a Marshadow plush that someone from Tilly's era actually stole from Walmart because we were flat broke but we loved her? Except almost as a DAUGHTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED.
All the Pokemon plushies we had during that time period-- which also included a Jigglypuff, and I think a Chansey? as well as Victini & Celebi & Banette & Hoopa & Diancie-- got thrown in a donation bin during one of Tilly's "annihilate everything that's not explicitly Christian" benders. We mourn that loss still, but we accept it. It... wouldn't have been fair to "force" those Pokemon to continue to live in the aftermath of that horrific era. For their anchor plushies to have been lost was really for the best; it was a solid break from that time period.
Unfortunately Marsha never "came back," or at least, not yet. We don't know how or where she would, but we won't cancel out the possibility.


As for other Pokemon...
Nidoking is Jewel's BFF forever because he's actually her first Pokemon. So although the species is gorgeous, that's as far as it's going, haha.
There's an affection for Alakazam, too. They've always been one of our faves, but I think there's queerplatonic potential here too? Which is really sweet.
Someone keeps wondering about Gothitelle? It FEELS like that "Jacinth" girl again! But this boggles us yet it's been constant. That girl has different preferences than anyone else.
Jay was also super fond of his Chesnaught, Zedrick, as a pal. I want to mention that because he was our first Grass starter ever, and there's such a warmth in our heart for him from that timeline. That needs to be honored.

And then there's Toshinsei. Jay's Aegislash. He's second place only to Celebi and Ventrium is a close third. (Gleam SHOULD be higher up but these are the facts right now). 



(unfinished; posting nevertheless due to important info. we will add more to this when able as a result)

some things i want to write down because, in light of today, i want to regularly update well, to offset the poor hurt voices that tend to write here rather frequently now that everyone's on one blog. no offense to them, there just needs to be a balance.


- waldorf and i (jay) are getting quite close as friends and it is really nice. we spend a lot of time together at work and she's going through a sort of break/softening period too, like a lot of us are, so that's all helping. i love her a lot and it's so nice to finally be "reconnecting" with her after so long. she's become very dear to us all up here and that makes me so, so happy.

- i've been feeling a very fierce affection about wreckage again lately, especially today. she doesn't come out much but she'll introject her thoughts/presence a lot, even if only for a moment or a sentence here and there. so her presence is felt.

- laurie and genesis have become like... ultimate bffs. i dont know how this happened. i am not complaining at all. they're rubbing off a lot on each other and although there is some worry of slippage as a result, it's generally working extremely well for both their benefits? so go figure. this was one friendship no one expected but there it is.

- forgot to mention. you know how genesis and i always joke about the roses at wegmans? if not you do now. anyway they have big bouquets by the exit, always different colors, i always wonder "who should i buy which ones for" for fun. well last week genesis persuaded me to give both javier and jeremiah bunches of roses upstairs, no particular reason, just because we felt they deserved a gesture of unbidden affection. so i did. jerry was teary-eyed and smiling so widely, "did you get me these??" it was really cute. javier kind of expected it was me (yes he & i are still very close) but he was moved too. see it's nice to just do nice things for people.

- kalisha wants to be buddies with the tan/peach "exercise guy" (yes he's still alive, still very beneficial) once he gets a face & name. he was out actually biking today which was good because we were semi-out-of-it and his presence cut through that fog, due to function.

- our "victini" girl is confirmed a real person! we've been wondering about her for months but she rarely fronted and never had tough enough roots. but she was out for a while today and her vibe is solid so that's great. she's going by "vixie" currently. she's full of energy, she comes out to help with driving the body in that respect, because she can handle a lot of heat, as well as a lot of exertion. like if you need a sudden huge boost of fiery power, you ask vixie. she really packs a punch.

- karissa hasn't been fronting but she's slowly gaining anchor strength too. she's now able to manifest in headspace, albeit blurrily? and i'm unsure what level she's on. feels like midspace. but yes, she's getting stronger.

- laurie is still working with the tiger-lily voice (who still hasn't found a name), she's learning. they're ALSO apparently working with jemma's "twin," the angry long-brown hair one who does respond to "jess" but we're not sure if it's THE jess. she's about... 18, maybe? but she's angry all the time. surprisingly it's often a RIGHTEOUS angry, so laurie and tigerlily are trying to get her to work WITH them instead of against them. who knows how that will turn out, but i'm hopeful.

- talking with the e.d. voices a lot more lately, more clearly, they're listening. laurie is being a huge help with this; her new "do no harm but take no shit" demeanor is getting a lot of the younger alters to listen to her instead of lashing out from pain/fear. delicacy is important with these people, they are damaged after all, otherwise they wouldn't be perpetuating damaging behavior.

- emmett has been out to eat lately! he was so relieved, haha. we all miss him, he's such a beneficial person/ snakething. effortless fronter too, that reassured some of the more paranoid e.d. people.

- ALCHEMY. we were pushed to research it again lately (thanks infi) and found out, yet again, that there is massive relevance to our System/Spectrum within it (THANKS INFI) and honestly it's both amazing and shocking. so we're integrating what messages it had for us. believe me so far the messages are VERY RELEVANT and just as helpful. so real progress is happening! this was quite a good shove in an important direction.

- in the outerlife, bro left his apartment and relationship, neither situation was really positive. so he's currently staying with our dad but that's apparently a big ball of stress, so he might be bunking back at the house? who knows. either way he's going through a sort of spiritual "transition" phase it seems, where he's still learning a lot, but he's already learned enough to give him a very solid base, except there's still not a lot of roots, so he's panicking over "not knowing enough" and "i just want to understand everything" and to be honest he is trying WAY TOO HARD. it's making me rather nervous around him; his attitude has become highly passive-aggressive and bitter but really it's this plus the anger he feels at "no one else understanding." its a very very tangled issue. so i'm talking to him, offering help whenever i can, in whatever way i can. i want to see him get through this a-okay so we'll do our best in what ways we're called to assist with that.

- he was trying to talk with us today about psychological stuff-- he specifically wanted to know "what was going on with us" in general, as we honestly haven't been doing too well lately (sick mostly, self-abusive, nerves). well however that conversation went all i recall is that at the end, a kid alter came out (i want to say sylvain? but i'm not sure) and they were very candid and open, i'm thankful for that. but again, the bro was talking in that weird way where everything felt like barbs in our head, and that stuck out because he left around that point and then the kid said "why do grown-ups always talk so funny?" that was notable; we wanted a conversation in the way that children talk to each other-- no pretense, no intellectual games, no "trying to look good," no whiny emotional manipulation, none of that. but the bro wouldn't talk to us without making everything sound detached and "proud wise" and still somehow self-loathing. i'm not condemning him it just hurt, and made us very very anxious because we've dealt with this sort of demeanor from people before and it always gives us the heebie-jeebies. synaesthetically it felt like "washed-out silvery blue paint," "the color and density of fog," specifically "there was no substance to it." and that made the kid very sad? they wanted ORANGE, specifically, as a speech color here. they wanted joy and humor and anger and strength and solid brunt honesty. no wishy-washy stuff, no weird tinny proud self-doubting intellectual jargon dumps. it's hard to describe but i really really dont like that feeling. maybe i'll talk about it later i just want to see the brother happy again, and open to life again, not so oddly depressed like this. so we'll help.

- uh what else. other brother (lightning/randall) is getting incredible at portraits which is inspiring us to try our hand at pencil realism again, we miss it. we need to get a new sketchbook for the first time in three years. give us some motivation to fill it up.

- day off work tomorrow, which we need as we're exhausted in more ways than one. we also have therapy which we haven't had since last thursday so that's welcome.

- no hacks in like... five days? THANK GOD. there was a frightening resurgence of them last week for some reason. hacks are scary because once one happens, the grief/ rage/ fear/ shame aftereffects make it very hard to recover and it kind of tears up our psychological immune system if we aren't careful? so the default "transition timeframe" for anything is three days. if we can hold our ground for three days after a hack, then we're basically in the clear. we can live without fear now. so we're in that place now! god willing we won't have ANY more hacks EVER. there have been longer, more frequent gaps between attempts anyway recently, due to our being wiser and more willing to FIGHT back, improvement has been massive. so that's good.

- so. much. work. to do for dream world. but it's mad typing and reviewing and it's JOYOUS when we pace it well! so that's giving us something to do during the day that is 1) productive 2) fun 3) really inspiring 4) insert many other positive adjectives here.

- other leagueworlds are growing too, notably nogaisa of all things, which hasn't spoken to us ever yet. it's putting out shoots, so to speak, really eager to grow, but it's a tiny thing yet. but it's so deeply lovely, and sad, and interesting. we'll stay with it.

- GUESS WHO APPARENTLY APPEARS IN SONIC RUNNERS? Yeah I didn't even know this game existed but I sure do now, haha. i have to mention that my immediate thought upon seeing that guy is still either "hey beautiful" or "my beloved." we had a short talk about that today, how i'm managing self-doubt better with our whole relationship thing; i mean yeah it's "weird" but honestly that's not a problem. and it shouldn't be. weird or not, i do love him, for better or for worse, no matter what. so that's that.

- still trying to get a very significant art trade done, need to really devote time to it tomorrow evening or friday. did receive some 'bonus' poetry though which had a very very deep healing effect on us; like it came straight out of an old timeline and reached the people who were born there. it was something we really needed to read.

- last but not least there is something really really cool i am going to have to show you in like... a week or two? three? depending on someone else's schedule. but rest assured it will be gorgeous. i'll keep you posted.

- the body is starting to react funny to being up so late (1:30 geez) so no more typing tonight. see you later kids

 

So. We might have a "job" within the next week or two.
Don't celebrate, this is yanking up a LOT of trouble and it's distressing really.

Things I've realized over the past few days.

1. Money doesn't buy happiness.
2. I don't want to spend the last years of my grandparent's lives away from them.
3. I want to create more than anything in the world and I want to be PAID for it.
4. I hate fluorescent lights and muzak.
5. I really, really don't feel cut out for this.

I'm going to try. God knows I'm going to try.
But I have been so anxious for the past week over this it's not funny. Sleep is a mess, I'm throwing up from nerves, I have no appetite, I'm jittery and restless, I keep losing my temper far too easily and the minute I'm alone I find myself whimpering like a frightened child.
This job doesn't feel right, AT ALL. I keep questioning that, "it can't be that bad," etc., but every time I think of the place and think of working there, it just… it feels wrong.
I hope, I HOPE we aren't meant to stay here. Maybe just orientation, and a month or so of the actual job. Just enough to pay off our debts, and get a grip on just where we stand in terms of psychological fitness concerning employment.

I'm so nervous. I'm not used to this. I never would have thought I was this capable of near-panic worry. I'm trying not to but I feel so trapped it's scary. That's where the worry is coming from.

The mother said again today, I should not be staying in this house, I should be out on the street, etc. Basically "stop being a bum, get a job and an apartment right now." Then she told me how much of a burden I am on her life, especially with medical bills.
I told her I'd quit therapy, she said no. I told her we didn't need surgery, she said no. She insists we get all this care. Then she swears at us up and down that she has to pay the bills.
I suppose we should be paying for them. That's where this fucking job comes in. I'm working to pay everyone else, and wasting away even more years when I should be doing my holy mission.

Part of me hopes that one day, in her anger, the mother says "you know what, go ahead and kill yourself, I don't care!" because it will take a lot of anxiety off our back if we have permission.

The damn floating voices keep attacking me. They're hellbent on stopping me now that I am realizing just how hellbent I am on doing what I'm meant to do.
They're making the E.D. problems worse. It's hard to fight when I'm in a trance state, and that keeps happening when I'm in the kitchen. It's scary, because it's total detachment from the senses and from the environment, so I don't really perceive what's going on. I need one of the good voices, or (ideally) someone in headspace to forcefully interrupt in order for me to become conscious again. It's a pain in the butt and it's scary too, but I'm getting smarter every day, and I won't give up. I won't ever give up, so there.

Headspace has been dead quiet for about… three weeks? I don't know. I don't normally deal with it anyway so I can't tell you.
But it's worrisome. Some other people inside have observed that without headspace, we fall apart. We get very self-destructive, we stop making spiritual progress, we basically become an empty husk. I'm literally the only person keeping us "alive," because I want to do League work all the time and ONLY that, and that's why I'm PISSED OFF at these floating voices because they are SPECIFICALLY trying to stop me from doing that. I am EXTREMELY ANGRY about that to say the least.
That's why I'm pissed about this job too. I don't know who fronted for the last one, but something tells me that even if I try to front (in order to do League work during breaks at registers or whatever), it won't work, because it didn't work last time, not with the environment.

I'm so mad. I'm so so so mad.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR CREATING THINGS, NOT WORKING IN THIS STUPID CORPORATE HAMSTER WHEEL OF NOISE AND IGNORANCE.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR ART AND MUSIC AND WRITING AND EVERYTHING.
I WANT TO BE PAID FOR DOING WHAT I WAS BORN TO DO!!

I don't CARE about money though!! I DON'T CARE!!! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY.
Yes, we need it, to pay the bills. I keep forgetting it's 2015 and we're an "adult" now so we have financial responsibilities like that, we can't just live like a video game character forever, surviving well on what's left around (although that would be cool enough).
But damn it, I'm sorry for swearing (it's unlike me but I'm mad) but I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOR MONEY. THAT'S STUPID!!

I really do need to start commissions. Those STUPID VOICES keep stopping me though. I hate that.
Admittedly I'm scared too. It's a lot of work, getting examples together, determining prices, writing up sales posts. It's overwhelming. That's why I'm scared, there's so much of it all at once. But I have to do it. I HAVE to.
Once the post is up I will be PSYCHED because I LOVE ART and really I have been drawing SO MUCH lately, anyone who says I "can't draw" is BLIND and IGNORANT. Because I CAN and I AM. And I WANT TO. So I will, I must, I have to, and GET PAID FOR IT.
I will stand up for us though. Whoever did commissions in the past, they didn't stand up for themselves, they were so desperate for the money that they gave up on their morals and ended up drawing smut. I think that's what it's called. But it was NOT GOOD and it made them VERY SICK and they got horribly depressed for WEEKS after that. I know, that data's all here whenever I try to start commissions. "We can't, because of that!" No, I'm NOT GOING TO DO THAT. And if anyone asks me, I will ignore them.
Geez I'm not sure how to interact with people though. It's not my job. Our interactors are not good people though. They're all simpering people-pleasers and they're pure programming. It sucks. THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY THE JOB IS AWFUL for the record. People like THAT front all the time because they require MASSIVE DISSOCIATION and when we're not dissociated we can't handle the sensory environment. Stuuuupiiiiiid. But true. It's not a "lame excuse," it's TRUE. If you knew how loud the lights were, and the friggin MUSIC, and having to say a script every time a person walks up, ugh it is exhausting and I want to shake and vomit just thinking about it. Ugh. I don't like it, but we have to try, just to say we tried. We won't chicken out. We'll give it a shot and see.
Honestly I just want cash to pay back our stupid debts, we owe at least $500 from borrowing money for food and bills over the past two years. Which is dumb. But there we are. We pay back our debts but we haven't had income in a while. So this is an opportunity for that, end of story.

What was I talking about. Art.
I want to do it, by golly I miss drawing and I've been remembering what it feels like to draw serious pictures and I am SO EXCITED.
Like I have no memory of high school, or college, let me say that. BUT there's "art memory" for me, in a passive sense. I can look at a picture we drew, and though I don't remember drawing it at all, I DO have an awareness of the feeling of drawing… of what it's like to sketch, to color, to shade, to ink. And it's SO EXCITING.
I can't wait. I don't know HOW someone in our System or whatever thought art was scary, geez it is the BEST THING.
At least for me it is. Maybe that's the problem. I'm a kid, I draw because I LOVE drawing and I love being able to express imagination and life through it. But the college people, I don't know who they are or what they did, but somehow for them, art had no joy? It had to be "perfect," ALL the time, it was a performance or a show. Everything was graded, it had to be just so, or else. I guess? I don't know what they did! But there's such a feeling of tiredness and frustration and exhaustion and panic tied to the college art time, geez what did they have to do? I feel sorry for them, really I feel really bad that they had to go through that. I want to give them a hug even if they're older than me, I hope they don't mind. Art isn't supposed to be sad and draining! Here, you can come draw with me if you like.
I guess it's just hard to stop freaking out over it, about being judged, when you're so used to it. They probably had it burned into their heads. That makes me real sad, it hurts actually.

Ugh this FREAKING JOB I am so mad I just want to quit already and start a freaking self-employed art business on the spot. That would be so cool.
We do inkblots, one of us does, I don't know who. I do all the League art. Someone is trying to learn to paint, on canvases again. I paint shirts too, and toys/keychains/whatever. We're learning to sew. I'm also dabbling with jewelry stuff but that takes money to experiment with, so can't do much with that now.
Point is I am EXPLODING with creativity and I want to GET INCOME FROM IT DARN IT.
Other people can, why can't I???
Agh I don't want to rant about this anymore right now. I want to work more. I'm not sure what the job is tonight but… oh there's a topic.

Writing. For whatever reason, writing has the anxiety tied to it now.
It's the perfectionism thing. I know it. I can feel it now. It's this feeling of, "if I don't get it right the first time, everyone will hold me accountable for it, and it'll ruin the final story!!" It's this paranoia that we've gotta get the whole thing out NOW, and it has to be TOTALLY FLAWLESS, and that's overwhelming as heck!!



I want a Diancie plushie. A Mega one. SO PRETTY.
I'm starting to wonder, I mean I'm not a Pokémon (I'm a Phantomilian, ha haa!) but Diancie is like my BFF because she is, to quote Jay, "Nintendo's love letter to us."
Diancie is literally EVERYTHING we wanted in a Pokémon when we started working on Dream World back in 2000 or so. Literally. I wonder if Nintendo was watching us or got our notes or something. It's too perfect.
Anyway since they probably will find out anyway THANK YOU NINTENDO, I know we're not big-time gamers anymore but THANK YOU LOTS, we appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts. She's perfect perfect cute and I love her~~ Also she basically has my hair. As gems. It's great.

We're tied to a lot of the Legendaries, really?
One of our OLDEST people is a Mewtwo; we were one back in 4th grade or so, there was old proof of self-referral back when we had all the old art. We were sorta a Mew before that, but mostly thanks to AAA, who insisted we be one so she could be Mewtwo. Which was cool, but it never really resonated? So that's that.
Then of course we have a Celebi person in the System, she's ancient too, and unmistakable. But SINCE she's so old I think she splintered a little, and there are like… three different "Celebis" at least? Who knows. The "Cel" in the Spectrum right now has her roots that far back, and is untouched by the stuff that happened with the "canon Celebi" vibes back in the past, whatever that was. Our Celebis were never "canon" in appearance or behavior, so. That's that, too!
Victini has some little roots but they're legit. Jayce or someone was really fond of them back in 2010 or so, and there was legit resonance too. Close to me though, because FIRE/PSYCHIC TYPE, COME ON. But I don't feel like one? Which is weird. Anyway yeah definitely some Victini ties in here, although there aren't any individuals around.
Jirachi I dunno. That was during the lost years so… no clue.
Darkrai, they've got a weird vibe to them because we HAD one in the System, and "jx7" felt REALLY drawn to them in 2009 or whenever, but… I guess there was some very very bad energy or experiences around them, before our member Darkrai died. So I'm sorry to hear that. I guess we'll have to fix it? Somehow? I'll make a memo.
Manaphy and Shaymin never got resonance with any of us! Those were lost years though, weirdly, that's what the data says. Those generations are -bloop- missing from memory. No clue.
Someone did like Mesprit, there's a very very vague feeling of that. Again, lost years, but there was some fondness there that ultimately never took hold anywhere.
I don't know what other Legendaries there are in the older generations… uh… see the problem is that lots of 'em have ties to Dream World, due to the joys of Silver version in the past, and maybe Ruby too, I don't know if that Jewel had Leaguelinks to that extent or if she was already mostly headspace. I DUNNO! Which is weird because you'd think I'd have personal memory of Silver but nope. Not me. The whole consciousness vibe was different then, I just get the diffusion now. Anyway yeah, Legendaries.
Oh I forgot about Reshiram. The fluff dragon. SOMEONE liked him a lot too, back in 2010, probably Jayce too (that was the Victini time). But no anchors. Just fondness.
Hoopa has got some major resonance with Jay, at least one of the Jays, however those guys work. But I joke about that a lot, with Hoopa=Hope in that respect, heheh. Problem is our fronters need to STAY OFF THE INTERNET because the minute we see fandom our programming freaks out, "we need to think that way too now," NO YOU DON'T, their perspectives don't invalidate yours! You CAN and ARE ALLOWED to have different experiences and opinions from other people. And guess what? NOT ALL HOOPAS ACT THE SAME, SO CHILL OUT.
Diancie is meeee, heheh. Somehow. SOMEHOW! I'm not used to being all pink and sparkly! But she's got a resonance with me I can't ignore. So I'm gonna try being a Diancie sometimes, when I need to be/ can be a Pokémon. It'll be cool.
Anyway yeah that's what I was getting at. If I get the cash soon enough, (extra cash), I'm going to buy myself a Mega Diancie plush. Jay I'm sorry I know you despise physical possessions but consider her MY anchor plush buddy, or something. I'll chill out with Chaos Zero and Silverheart on the nightstand. We'll be the cool kids club.

So that's… that's your Pokémon stuff for the night. Enjoy because I'm gonna work on other stuff now.

Jay is majorly obsessed with Steven Universe lately and his brain got mondo fiction lag from it last week. It was hilarious. But it's weird! The lag now isn't making my work difficult?? I think he knows how to manage it better. Or it sticks now, to people. That works!

So many Leagueworlds have old vibes I need to weed out… hehe, the computer just beeped in the same key as this song. That was cute. But yeah, especially Parnassus, that has BAD vibe-lag from 2007 or whenever our previous core-people started working on it big time? BAD lag. Lots of interference and kissing-up stuff. Now I've gotta weed it out, happy spring, hehe. But it's FUN. And it's INTERESTING!! I've realized… my main thing is that I need to get Links working again, MY Links, I have to get close to these people WITHOUT stepping in. I need to see/feel people's lives objectively to write this stuff. How do I put it… Parnassus, I'm learning about the society, about bits of how their world works, little things… interesting things. But I have to WATCH IT. Like we used to watch Hokthai and Oneircia, while walking around the living room with our CD player (Miriel!) for hours. Just watching. And that made MASSIVE PROGRESS HAPPEN.
Problem is lately the stupid "daily grind" has sapped our imaginative progress. For some dumb reason we keep thinking we "HAVE TO" act like "normal people" and it's making us dull and miserable and depressed and antsy. I think it's because we're "grown up" on the outside… people treat us like we're not ALLOWED to be creative and childlike anymore. Pff. Heck with that. I'm gonna do it. I'M alive too, y'know!
It's kinda sad. We lost a lot of time, and we're kinda confused a lot… people outside don't really give us wiggle room. And it would be nice to have, to have the "permission" or at least the allowance to be different a little, to have different needs, and tolerances… I mean geez, we ARE good people, we ARE allowed to exist, we have a REASON to be here… just because we might need some accommodations here and there, is that okay? I hate this feeling of "you're not allowed to be weak" and "you're a freak for not being normal" but really? Really? I don't like a lot of what's out there, and how it works. It feels wrong. I don't WANT to be "well-adjusted" to being sick, there I said it, how about that?? Our mother keeps making fun of us for our sensitivity, well maybe not making fun, but belittling very much… how she's already "used to" pain, and being angry, and "not getting her dreams fulfilled," etc… that's so sad. It's so sad. We don't WANT that to be our reality, do we… have the right to say that?
Life can be so bright, so much nicer than people are telling me it "has" to be. Can't it be nicer? Aren't people allowed to be healthy and happy and helping each other? Can't we build a world where that's the norm, instead of lies and fear and exhaustion?
I guess part of me's just tired. But it's not a depressed tired, it's more of a "geez, this is depressing!" tired. There's a difference, haha! But yeah… I'm too fiery. I want to CHANGE things, moreso I want to DO things and let change happen. I don't like controlling and manipulating stuff, I just want to do better, and be better, and be a force of change and a good example. Stuff will follow.

I'm typing too much on this and I don't really have anything more to say tonight. I really should get to Leaguework, writing maybe, or reviewing. I dunno, my head feels weird. It's in an art mood and that writing perfectionism is buggy… that and it's overwhelming. Dude you do realize we have HUNDREDS of pages of notes, right?? That's why there's no "written books" yet. There are too many PAPERS just lying about. Where do we start!!
So… I dunno, maybe that's a project for tonight. Just in little ways, I can start organizing that, make the crushing stress a bit less. Really, some parts of us are scared of all that towering data. That and the "business responsibility" looming… that stupid fact that we've gotta "navigate the system" before we can get published, or produced in some way. THAT'S what's truly overwhelming, and we should sit down and calmly look at that sometime too because really we CAN do it, we're perfectly capable of handling that… it's just a feeling of "responsibility?" Like there's a hugeness to it, a vastness, a fear that we won't be able to shoulder the sheer amount of work we have if a DEADLINE is stuck to it. That's the base fear, is performance. Perfectionism and performance. PFF.
Guess what I DON'T HAVE TO DO EITHER RIGHT NOW so chill out bro.

It's midnight and I feel like I just woke up, probably because I essentially just did, hehe. This is why our sleep schedule is a mess. Switchiness!

Good night all, I'm working the graveyard shift tonight so I'll see you whenever.