the spectrum heart cathedral system

some things i want to write down because, in light of today, i want to regularly update well, to offset the poor hurt voices that tend to write here rather frequently now that everyone's on one blog. no offense to them, there just needs to be a balance.


- waldorf and i (jay) are getting quite close as friends and it is really nice. we spend a lot of time together at work and she's going through a sort of break/softening period too, like a lot of us are, so that's all helping. i love her a lot and it's so nice to finally be "reconnecting" with her after so long. she's become very dear to us all up here and that makes me so, so happy.

- i've been feeling a very fierce affection about wreckage again lately, especially today. she doesn't come out much but she'll introject her thoughts/presence a lot, even if only for a moment or a sentence here and there. so her presence is felt.

- laurie and genesis have become like... ultimate bffs. i dont know how this happened. i am not complaining at all. they're rubbing off a lot on each other and although there is some worry of slippage as a result, it's generally working extremely well for both their benefits? so go figure. this was one friendship no one expected but there it is.

- forgot to mention. you know how genesis and i always joke about the roses at wegmans? if not you do now. anyway they have big bouquets by the exit, always different colors, i always wonder "who should i buy which ones for" for fun. well last week genesis persuaded me to give both javier and jeremiah bunches of roses upstairs, no particular reason, just because we felt they deserved a gesture of unbidden affection. so i did. jerry was teary-eyed and smiling so widely, "did you get me these??" it was really cute. javier kind of expected it was me (yes he & i are still very close) but he was moved too. see it's nice to just do nice things for people.

- kalisha wants to be buddies with the tan/peach "exercise guy" (yes he's still alive, still very beneficial) once he gets a face & name. he was out actually biking today which was good because we were semi-out-of-it and his presence cut through that fog, due to function.

- our "victini" girl is confirmed a real person! we've been wondering about her for months but she rarely fronted and never had tough enough roots. but she was out for a while today and her vibe is solid so that's great. she's going by "vixie" currently. she's full of energy, she comes out to help with driving the body in that respect, because she can handle a lot of heat, as well as a lot of exertion. like if you need a sudden huge boost of fiery power, you ask vixie. she really packs a punch.

- karissa hasn't been fronting but she's slowly gaining anchor strength too. she's now able to manifest in headspace, albeit blurrily? and i'm unsure what level she's on. feels like midspace. but yes, she's getting stronger.

- laurie is still working with the tiger-lily voice (who still hasn't found a name), she's learning. they're ALSO apparently working with jemma's "twin," the angry long-brown hair one who does respond to "jess" but we're not sure if it's THE jess. she's about... 18, maybe? but she's angry all the time. surprisingly it's often a RIGHTEOUS angry, so laurie and tigerlily are trying to get her to work WITH them instead of against them. who knows how that will turn out, but i'm hopeful.

- talking with the e.d. voices a lot more lately, more clearly, they're listening. laurie is being a huge help with this; her new "do no harm but take no shit" demeanor is getting a lot of the younger alters to listen to her instead of lashing out from pain/fear. delicacy is important with these people, they are damaged after all, otherwise they wouldn't be perpetuating damaging behavior.

- emmett has been out to eat lately! he was so relieved, haha. we all miss him, he's such a beneficial person/ snakething. effortless fronter too, that reassured some of the more paranoid e.d. people.

- ALCHEMY. we were pushed to research it again lately (thanks infi) and found out, yet again, that there is massive relevance to our System/Spectrum within it (THANKS INFI) and honestly it's both amazing and shocking. so we're integrating what messages it had for us. believe me so far the messages are VERY RELEVANT and just as helpful. so real progress is happening! this was quite a good shove in an important direction.

- in the outerlife, bro left his apartment and relationship, neither situation was really positive. so he's currently staying with our dad but that's apparently a big ball of stress, so he might be bunking back at the house? who knows. either way he's going through a sort of spiritual "transition" phase it seems, where he's still learning a lot, but he's already learned enough to give him a very solid base, except there's still not a lot of roots, so he's panicking over "not knowing enough" and "i just want to understand everything" and to be honest he is trying WAY TOO HARD. it's making me rather nervous around him; his attitude has become highly passive-aggressive and bitter but really it's this plus the anger he feels at "no one else understanding." its a very very tangled issue. so i'm talking to him, offering help whenever i can, in whatever way i can. i want to see him get through this a-okay so we'll do our best in what ways we're called to assist with that.

- he was trying to talk with us today about psychological stuff-- he specifically wanted to know "what was going on with us" in general, as we honestly haven't been doing too well lately (sick mostly, self-abusive, nerves). well however that conversation went all i recall is that at the end, a kid alter came out (i want to say sylvain? but i'm not sure) and they were very candid and open, i'm thankful for that. but again, the bro was talking in that weird way where everything felt like barbs in our head, and that stuck out because he left around that point and then the kid said "why do grown-ups always talk so funny?" that was notable; we wanted a conversation in the way that children talk to each other-- no pretense, no intellectual games, no "trying to look good," no whiny emotional manipulation, none of that. but the bro wouldn't talk to us without making everything sound detached and "proud wise" and still somehow self-loathing. i'm not condemning him it just hurt, and made us very very anxious because we've dealt with this sort of demeanor from people before and it always gives us the heebie-jeebies. synaesthetically it felt like "washed-out silvery blue paint," "the color and density of fog," specifically "there was no substance to it." and that made the kid very sad? they wanted ORANGE, specifically, as a speech color here. they wanted joy and humor and anger and strength and solid brunt honesty. no wishy-washy stuff, no weird tinny proud self-doubting intellectual jargon dumps. it's hard to describe but i really really dont like that feeling. maybe i'll talk about it later i just want to see the brother happy again, and open to life again, not so oddly depressed like this. so we'll help.

- uh what else. other brother (lightning/randall) is getting incredible at portraits which is inspiring us to try our hand at pencil realism again, we miss it. we need to get a new sketchbook for the first time in three years. give us some motivation to fill it up.

- day off work tomorrow, which we need as we're exhausted in more ways than one. we also have therapy which we haven't had since last thursday so that's welcome.

- no hacks in like... five days? THANK GOD. there was a frightening resurgence of them last week for some reason. hacks are scary because once one happens, the grief/ rage/ fear/ shame aftereffects make it very hard to recover and it kind of tears up our psychological immune system if we aren't careful? so the default "transition timeframe" for anything is three days. if we can hold our ground for three days after a hack, then we're basically in the clear. we can live without fear now. so we're in that place now! god willing we won't have ANY more hacks EVER. there have been longer, more frequent gaps between attempts anyway recently, due to our being wiser and more willing to FIGHT back, improvement has been massive. so that's good.

- so. much. work. to do for dream world. but it's mad typing and reviewing and it's JOYOUS when we pace it well! so that's giving us something to do during the day that is 1) productive 2) fun 3) really inspiring 4) insert many other positive adjectives here.

- other leagueworlds are growing too, notably nogaisa of all things, which hasn't spoken to us ever yet. it's putting out shoots, so to speak, really eager to grow, but it's a tiny thing yet. but it's so deeply lovely, and sad, and interesting. we'll stay with it.

- GUESS WHO APPARENTLY APPEARS IN SONIC RUNNERS? Yeah I didn't even know this game existed but I sure do now, haha. i have to mention that my immediate thought upon seeing that guy is still either "hey beautiful" or "my beloved." we had a short talk about that today, how i'm managing self-doubt better with our whole relationship thing; i mean yeah it's "weird" but honestly that's not a problem. and it shouldn't be. weird or not, i do love him, for better or for worse, no matter what. so that's that.

- still trying to get a very significant art trade done, need to really devote time to it tomorrow evening or friday. did receive some 'bonus' poetry though which had a very very deep healing effect on us; like it came straight out of an old timeline and reached the people who were born there. it was something we really needed to read.

- last but not least there is something really really cool i am going to have to show you in like... a week or two? three? depending on someone else's schedule. but rest assured it will be gorgeous. i'll keep you posted.

- the body is starting to react funny to being up so late (1:30 geez) so no more typing tonight. see you later kids