the spectrum heart cathedral system

Quick typed update so i don't forget this, clean up later

Many dreams during night due to intense sickness and waking repeatedly

First: in city, Jay and Infi. Seeing jay from behind, his overtan skin and bright white hair clear. he and infi watching sunset or something? very bright and warm light. mind said clearly "jay is not a human he is a nousfoni"
then jay and infi being close, jay had a huge heart jewel? but like sailor moon style. infi bit-licked it and it triggered a HACK.
WE DIDN'T WAKE??? jay and infi were now confronted by a "disney zeus" looking figure? a priest. jay and infi confessed what they did. priest rebuked them for what happened. both contrite, admitted that such behavior was trouble, they should have known better. infi then PROMISED that they would "never lick anything again," they were visibly resolute, like a switch had been flipped

second dream
back in city?? on a main road. very brief. third person perspective, floating.
"self awareness" feeling anxious and tormented. thinking, "maybe i should get married so i can have sx?" bizarre thought. felt like they needed to be bound to someone in order to be close to anyone at all. but the thought of being afab and being near a man was so abhorrent they rejected it. self-image was longhaired btw. but this disgust shifted selfimage to ADULT MALE, almost like nier. imagined married to a woman, but still no attraction. "wife protector" feeling was all. still thinking, if i had to do this, could i? TRIGGERED A HACK. KNEW IT WAS IMPENDING AND WAS TERRIFIED. immediate thought, "oh wait, is THIS what sx is?? i don't want this at ALL, EVER." revealed that the drive was just for INTIMACY AND CONNECTION and had nothing to do with physical. miserable.
NOTABLY, RIGHT BEFORE THE HACK HIT, INFI SHOWED UP AND TRIED TO STOP IT. it failed, but infi STAYED to calm us down and console us, visibly distressed and brokenhearted, telling us why did you do that, you know that's not what you want, etc.

third dream
in a huge building, cross between apartments and asylum? strange. i remember lots of red carpeting. janitor girl in upstairs room, we told her to keep us secret or something? we were being looked for, running and trying to hide, even escape? i remmeber looking for a shower stall. also laundry room full of stuffed animals.
anyway at the end, we were hiding in a shower and a man looked in, we hid behind door, he looked almost right at us but left. we thought we were safe, but we ran down the hall to another shower room and suddenly the door was kicked open? matronly woman, "head of asylum" and two korean military soldiers, with masked faces and guns?? woman said, "you are under arrest because you are defending the buddha of the world"? i looked at her and said, "no, i'm not, i'm a christian." she paused, then replied, "then that's worse. you'll have to die." the two men immediately turned their guns on me and fired, BUT INFI SHOWED UP AGAIN!!!! AND CAUGHT THE BULLETS. like they sank into shadow. they freaked out and reloaded, but infi reached out and touched their guns, and there was some sort of change?? like they became "soft" or something; that's how my memory sees it. the men dropped the weapons and fumbled at their necks for suicide pills, but infi touched those too and said "no" very gently, and the pills dissolved into dust. the men were visibly at a loss but infi then touched them, softly reaching out to lay a hand on their arms, and the men changed now, their faces suddenly surprised and moved with emotion. the woman watching protested "what's going on" but infi reached out to her too, put a hand on her arm, and said "you too" or something?? i forget.
MOST IMPORTANTLY, i remember that when Infi stopped the bullets, but before any further action-- I exclaimed in protest, "hey, I could have been a martyr!" but infi immediately responded, with urgent compassion, "they can still become converts!" and THAT'S when ze touched the guns to stop them.
but man. i remember the look on hir face when ze said that. they were so tenderhearted, so anxious that these men were lost. the need was so evidently pressing in their eye, but not afraid, just imploring.
i got the distinct and powerful impression that, when infi touched the three people, the contact "opened their hearts to compassion" or something? like it was relational, it was a breaching of walls and a breaking of apathy, a sudden and direct "imposition of knowledge" concerning what it was to feel someone care. like a waking up of the soul. in that instant, their hearts suddenly felt what it meant to love at it completely destroyed all capacity to do violence or be an enemy.

so that's that. thank You God for giving me such important dreams, however difficult to endure.

we are STILL WRECKED and i just miraculously surfaced from a solid hour of negative dissociation (terrible) so here we are attempting to update.

morning. woke up at 10. oddly lovely outside. decided to just lie in bed with chaos 0 and say the rosary on his aquamarine one.
shockingly non-stressful. took a huge burden of panic off the day itself too, now that the biggest prayer was done.
barely remember getting ready, typical. no idea who fronts during that time or if it's just an automated blur with everyone upstairs (most likely).

went to church at 1130 as usual.
readings hit hard. susanna and the adulterous woman. felt julie AND infi upstairs weeping.
homily had one absolutely killer sentence. we were so brainfogged we barely comprehended it but the core of it struck our heart. exact words were "god is not a divine watchman." he is not waiting for you to mess up so he can punish you. "jesus delights to forgive us" essentially. still reeling from it. we've heard that truth a thousand times but it always sinks in deeper. he did not throw the stone. he never will. boggles the mind

afterwards went to doctor. different guy-- nurse assistant. heavyset dude but in that "soft edged" way that is weirdly safe on guys??? like he was completely rounded off. no edges. but SAFE. why is that not so with adult women? is that just motherfear??
anyway. incredibly amiable, elbow-bumped us twice which was great. very upbeat and bright voiced. honestly an uplifting appointment, that's not something you usually say after a doctor's visit haha. he ordered blood tests: our routine CMP to check for electrolyte levels (we're STILL twitchy), a testosterone check, and a pulmonary function test? because of all this sudden-onset dyspnea. had to drive to other clinic to get it done.
decided to do so. system was a bit unsure but i said dude tomorrow's schedule will be worse. so we went up. walked right in, barely waited two minutes, then this adorable phlebotomist with a krylon red waistlength ponytail, cinnamoroll backpack, plush white jacket, and nazar bracelets called us back. seriously she was SO CUTE.
bruise was out for the blood draw. they are so elusive, only show up for that. they still remember the hospital they were "born" in. can't get their face or overlay but we know it's them. so many foni like that-- rare, vague, but real. honestly i love them. i treasure their existences.
we were really bleeding??? they only took one vial but the needlejab kept bleeding. she asked if we were on blood thinners, we said no, but mentally thought, welp this is what all that black pepper does i guess. made a mental note to cut back geez

went straight home. body starting to feel a little off, unsurprisingly because it was already almost 3 which meant like 18 hours fasting again. man.
looped "yankı" and "teletype" this ENTIRE time btw, mostly the latter. they are our current song addictions. for the record, a song only goes on our looplist when it resonates. so, whatever the state of our heart-mind is currently, those two songs match it. we really should make a list somewhere and keep track of this-- i never realized how much it says about our psyche at any given moment. that's vital information.
for the record, jonathan higgs is ALSO tops on our list of "gender euphoria" voices actually. which seems bizarre because he's alongside liam mckahey and philip kane and ed harcourt and the like, BUT jon has that way of singing that is all hiccupy and gasping breaths and faltering tight vocals and it's gorgeous what the heck. we would love to sound like that when we sing, it's so raw and honest and real. strangely heartfelt. we love it.
also for the record, that IS scalpel's legit singing voice. several 'foni do have external voicematches in song, which is ANOTHER list we have to make, and it's a beautiful thing to hear and realize. it's also so powerful an anchor that it can boost life and love into one's soul to such an extent... i can't find the words but remember, the ONLY reason we even FOUND scalpel was BECAUSE of that one awful beautiful day in CNC when we put "get to heaven" on loop and just tried to run away. and he just woke up for real. totally and tangibly. i will never forget how it felt, in that moment when suddenly his existence was undeniable in our chest, in our mind, in our life. singing with that voice. i think that's our favorite moment from the whole time we were out there, offhand at least. it transcended everything else.

oh man still so much more to type. why are we so ragged tired.
sorry we didn't take notes today, that would have made it easier, but our schedule was a mess.

breakfast prep. honestly the highlight of our day besides mass. everyone is together.
on that note everyone is trying to figure out "jobs" to ensure they are part of it. it sounds silly at a glance, but really it's cooperation. it's living as a family, really. as a community of souls united. it means so much. this new daily normal of friendship and love and conversation is amazing because we could NEVER have this externally. socials CANNOT do this. it is only possible inside. thank God, thank You God for this apartment, for this blessedly rich aloneness, for this quiet outside and joy inside.
quick note on that previous point. one of the "jewels"-- the one who is more of a "mental manager," still unsure if she's a total separate or just a facet of the main dreamwalker-- actually SHIFTED the nia/emma/"sheralene" trio INTO "STORYSPACE"??? not leaguespace, but CLOSE. it's a floatrealm of "potentiality" in which they can exist in a greater context as PEOPLE and not just "fleeting" socials that exist for hyperspecific jobs and then inevitably die when said jobs disappear or are changed. really, roni like that ABSOLUTELY need their own jargon; they are ONLY born when the mind is fractured and/or unstable enough to not be able to cope with changes in context/ behavior/ environment, and needs to hypersegregate functions THAT MUCH in order to function at all. like doppelgangers, though, they are not meant to stick around. theirs are brief lives, and it's effectively impossible to bring them upstairs as a result. they are doomed UNLESS APPARENTLY JEWEL DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
even so. lynne asked her why, was it just out of annoyance with them? like was this action done for an impure reason? jewel said partly, admittedly, but that was only because of the MENTAL EXHAUSTION that was happening from having to suddenly SHIFT TO SOCIAL MODE EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED UP. then we'd have to go back upstairs, then back down, etc. like a whiplash, as we said. jewel said it was getting so excruciating, both in pain and overwhelm, that she had to do something. otherwise we risked tearing the system apart.
so. julie and lynne did the carrots instead, while talking to xenophon who was ghosting, AND listening to the conversation from everyone else upstairs in the background. and THAT showed us something ELSE amazing-- THAT KIND OF "BACKUP" FRONTING PREVENTS DISSOCIATIVE SOCIAL-PROGRAM BEHAVIOR!! when julie is fronting with her overlay in focus, but lynne is at her shoulder upstairs, that combined "external action BUT internal anchor" based on TWO PEOPLE is powerfully solid and it keeps everyone FOCUSED AND REAL. i must emphasize: NOT SO WITH SOCIALS!!! socials are infamous for being so disheveled and blurry-minded that not only can they not resist body impulses or programmed behaviors, they also don't record memories on their own and have NO DEPTH OF IDENTITY. we can apparently bypass ALL that catastrophe by having two people drive this body. so that was a VITAL realization today.

other things...

there was some brief but notable "flirting" between julie and infinitii. there was last night, too, with the chocolate kisses. no one is surprised that those two get along so well, but on the other hand, it's a legit MIRACLE that the both of them are in a position to do so safely and affectionately. they both have the WORST pasts in the entire system, arguably. so it's nice, honestly so, seeing such interactions.

at SOME POINT during prep, i cannot remember what prompted it because we were admittedly dissociating right before, but memory kicks in with scalpel saying, about leon, "i could be his boyfriend" in response to some question. totally guileless, like it was just regular conversation. that endearing obliviousness he has. leon just stopped everything, not looking at him, silent as the impact of those words hit home. laurie effectively said to scalpel "that's a seriously significant function, man, do you really realize what that entails?" and to everyone's surprise, scalpel got serious & noble and said "yeah. it means i'd be there for him, and i'd care for him, and i'd be his constant friend, and i'd love him no matter what. i can do that, if he wants me to." HONESTLY SCALPEL WHAT MOTIVATED THIS.
anyway. i think laurie was responding with a similar "wow okay so i guess you do know what you're signing up for" when suddenly leon turns and throws his arms around scalpel and starts to sob. for his credit, scalpel immediately and strongly returned the embrace with notable earnestness, then asked (with no timidity at all, mind) if he had said something out of place, or jumped the gun, or whatever. leon said no, that was pretty much why he was reacting like this. cannot remember their conversation; that's only right, as it was meant to be more personal, even if everyone was around (that's default up here in any case). i do remember leon weeping over nathaniel at one point. "i miss him so much." scalpel responding to this with utmost warmth by pursuing the topic, gently. just leading statements about nat. "he was such and such... right?" that sort of thing. focus entirely off of himself. just genuine concern & comforting. but geez. it was so sweet to see. also remember that at one point at the beginning, when leon was talking through tears, scalpel responded in comfort by just turning briefly to kiss him on the head, firmly and with utmost compassion. reminded me of laurie, but different underlying vibe. reds are so... geez i keep using the word "guileless." candid. ingenuous. at heart they're totally open. laurie said that they're, amusingly enough, sanguine. which sums it up perfectly really.
so yeah. that happened. it was deeply sweet and honestly jay has been "feeling it" under the radar from leon at least for about a week now if not longer. different with scalpel he says-- warm hues and cool hues hold emotions differently. if you lean blue, you're more quiet, reflective, holding hopes inside, waiting, dreaming, softer, hiding depths. if you lean red, you're more forthright, direct, expressing things openly, being more spontaneous, solid and steady, acting on dreams, warm and bright and simpler. hard to put into words. it's all feeling. of course this varies with tints and shades and people who are "inbetween" like laurie, haha.
but it's really nice. we do need to think and feel about that more. jay's good at getting "vibe" data from people, need better jargon for that too because we don't like the cultural use of that word. frustrating. want to use words like "ether" and "aura" but those have newagey junk associations. ah well. we will think of something.


for the record, because it makes us smile, here's the current breakfast prep gang.
laurie: keeps everyone on track and gives the orders
jay: initial tool & ingredient prep, also broccoli apparently
xenophon: cheerleader, keeps fronters stable, gets bonus food
julie: olive oil, also typically fronts for generalized behavior
lynne: carrots
leon: eggs
knife & razor: cutting up the eggs
scalpel & phlegmoni: cayenne pepper bros
celebi: salt (the "second most important thing," her and julie bantering)
spice: black pepper & cinnamon, also making sure the previous three people don't go crazy
genesis, infi, and chaos 0: hang out upstairs and keep the conversation interesting
galadia: possibly giving her triscuit duty? (right now it's jay & julie)
algorith: straight-up throws the towel on the chair
barry: shows up just to get his name on the list
mimic: stabbing the water bottles
it's great. we love it.
we honestly want to bring more people into this. even if just for that hour or so every morning. that attention is still life-sustaining, loving, and precious. the more we can give to each other, the more time we can share, the better.


ate from like... 330 to 430. cleaned everything up then read the church book club chapters for tonight (we need to read them right before or we will forget from how much else gets memorystored over it).
cannot remember the meeting, as usual. socialmode takes over. we still don't know "who" is in charge. it's a familiar vibe, for sure, but it's still unnamed and uncolored and ungraspable? like that person is completely unpingable outside of her context. honestly though that's typical for socials; they DON'T EXIST UPSTAIRS or it would BREAK THEIR FUNCTION. emphasizing that because it's the opposite of the internal nousfoni. again, hyperspecificity. no bleedover, no blurring.
however, there is vague memory data again where it brushed closely to us.
there was some brief discussion about the "widow's mite" and how we have always lived "on the edge of poverty" so we "felt like the rich religious who gave out of obligation but not out of love"??? surprising. often "too scared to give as much as we wanted" because "afraid we can't pay the bills." except WHO IS SAYING THIS because we are INFAMOUSLY OFTEN BROKE BECAUSE we keep putting so much money into the collection baskets, haha. we love to give to the church. but we do have to be prudent. nevertheless "we have decided in our heart TO GIVE, however much we can, we WILL" without shackling ourself to a dollar sign and making it a cold anxious duty instead of a warmly generous gift.
some vaguetalk about our struggles. afraid of "subtly denying God." peter not denying He existed, but denying their relationship. somehow more fatal that way. little "sins of omission," failing to give details of my "faith," afraid to use His Name, not admitting to mom that we went to church, scared to pray in public. BUT WHY. said we'd never really "investigated" the reasons there and it disturbed us. note to selves: that's our job. ironically the system DOESN'T have religious shame. the socials DO. there's definitely a reason for that but, again, surprisingly, it's not evident at all. so we have to look for it.
other point. wedding at cana. "my dear, why are you telling me this? my hour has not yet come." hearing that spoken with a laugh. as if it had been said in headspace. "beloved, i already noticed!" "i'm not unaware" etc. but lovingly. "i do know, and i do care, don't worry. you don't have to tell me!" and yet, "my hour hasn't come." heard by us as, "believe me, i want to do something, but it's not the right time, not the right place." the whole feeling of "mom i already want to help, don't make it worse!" with a smile. and mary, "do whatever he tells you," leaving the options open. if he says yes or no, do that. i don't know. still meant a lot, that thought. like that's how jesus response to our prayers of worried petition. "we're out of wine; we're out of joy, out of zeal, out of energy." the looming shame, the inability to serve others, the lack of life. jesus looking at us with a smile tugging at his mouth, "how does that involve me?" wanting us to answer. appreciating the asking. i hope so. but already knowing he was going to act. just give him time. do whatever he tells you. even if he saves everything until the last second.

oh yeah. at beginning of meeting the leading woman told us "i was remembering what you said last week, about your friend at bible study, and i was inspired to look up the etymology of the words i kept praying, like "mercy"... it's really enriched my understanding and i want to thank you."
upstairs we were pinged. jay just looked over at mimic with the biggest sappiest grin. mimic was just, stunned. wide-eyed, almost abashed. two mentions of "your friend." and "thank you." and "you helped me." jay made a small but affectionate comment on this, no data of what. but mimic replied briefly in the astounded affirmative. the feeling of "i actually had a positive impact on someone??" and letting himself feel that strange consolation for a moment. like a single star in the night. hope. "this isn't so bad." hard to pick up on his data as he doesn't "globalshare" like a nousfoni. but he isn't as walled-off as he tries to be sometimes still i think. no bones after all. his words can be hard but there's something different deep down.

before i forget. at some point today mimic had a monologue, like he used to. cannot remember about what. but it was positive, although it had its edges of course. i think he was responding to laurie about something. either way he was speaking with serious earnestness and jay says one or two milliseconds of vulnerability. like hypersmall but THERE. the hairline fractures in the armor.

got home for 815. mom called the instant we opened the door.
said she was bringing up food. IMMEDIATE panic response. dissociated into jumbled fragments, could not think or hold conscious identity. unable to do anything as a result.
someone went online looking at pokedex?? all the new ones. profoundly disappointed in the direction the games have gone since xy. no longer "like" the series at all actually. lots of spiritual disagreement with the cultural concepts too, especially the animism and a lot of the stuff behind ghost/ dark/ fairy/ psychic/ fighting type bios. notably remember the dex entries for annihilape and ting-lu. disturbed. realizing how much "occult" and honestly borderline "evil" stuff IS in pokemon. very upset. remembering the real joy it brought us in 2000-2004, and arguably again with xy, and how now it's gone? there's too much that has changed.
still. conflicted. cannot deny the past, ALSO cannot deny that so many core-adjacent folks are legit "attracted to" certain pokemon. celebi is obvious, so are gleam and ventrium, and we have confirmed that it was a GIRL pseudocore that has feelings for galadia!! so that's notable. BUT remember no one talks about skittygirl, or gardevoir, or deoxys, or alakazam. they're all on the "it could happen to you" list haha. and TOSHINSEI is a league of his own, good lord. but that's the point. we can deny and suppress it, which we sadly have, but really we cannot shut that love off, it's impossible, it would require heart-numbing and we ALL see the lethal effects that has, because that's EXACTLY what the system and/or socials did to survive in EVERY OUTSIDE "RELATIONSHIP" TRAP. we don't want that inside. not anymore. problem is there ARE 'foni who exist TO fight affection and love and attraction and everything to do with relationship even in concept. they are the most brutal "not-quite-protectors" and they are POWERFUL because they literally kept our physical body alive by fighting tooth and bloody nail against those very real dangers in the past.
that's a whole topic that we need to discuss soon actually. the relationship aversion and how pervasive it has become in the wake of the most recent traumas. and yes they ARE traumas, you said yourself, if you can't run and can't cope and feel like you're going to die and after that's all you want to do, yes it is trauma. even if you playacted like it was okay. even if you won't admit you were scared to death even now. numbing out and wearing plastic smiles doesn't mean it's not traumatic. genuinely caring for the other person and wanting to live for them doesn't mean it's not traumatic when the process of doing so effectively eviscerates you. cnc was existentially horrifying. forgive the common phrase, it's the truth. it was the ultimate unresolvable war between morality and obligation, between affection and self-preservation, between identity and other. it didn't snap us in half, it shattered us like blownglass flung onto concrete. irreparable. and yet god we hope there's still a miracle of healing waiting somewhere, somehow. cannot reconcile the love with the terror. remembering how bad our addictions got. remembering how actively suicidal we were. remembering how we don't remember most of anything and didn't want to. et cetera.
can't deal with that tonight good lord how did we get on this subject. oh yeah. pokemon. isn't that tragically fitting.
nevertheless. so interesting to note that they are NON-CORE relationships for the most part. the core is always connected to chaos 0. ALWAYS. it is the sole most important and intrinsic criterion. but. pseudocores weirdly tend to gravitate to pocket monsters. is this because of their constancy in our life? is it because that is the world the original jewel, the first true core, used as her own anchor and launchpad? there's so much to wonder about.
anyway, that's what makes us even more sad that we haven't been able to play the games in almost ten entire years. and looking at the new pokedexes, we might not even want to. they don't feel like we know them, or could know them, anymore. they feel totally alien to us.
(one notable exception. remember the 2021 hospital girl and her OBSESSION WITH CALYREX. no one has typed about that besides her and no one has read her journal. FIX THAT.)
nevertheless. someone still wants to save up money, buy a celebi gba at last, find new-battery cartridges of silver & ruby and just... relive that joy. we miss it so much, honestly sometimes it's unbearable. which is shocking.
would you believe that is one of the ONLY things that will ALWAYS make the body cry? when we remember our old games, our old teams of 'mons, and how we lost them to cnc, how someone gave them away like they were worthless, how much we miss them... it could make us weep. there was SO MUCH LOVE in those games. god how did we never cherish that fact? how did the hyperreligious 'foni never realize that truth?
God i honestly could cry. i wonder if TBAS still has them. i wonder if they carelessly erased our data. what a horrible thought. what awful death. i don't think we could handle that. but it's a possibility.
stupid impossible dream hoping desperately that one day, we could get them back. one day, we could ask them, somehow, and get the games back. we could see our dearly loved friends again. all of them. i could name them all by heart.
god it aches so much.
nevertheless. jewel says, gently but with conviction, "there's always the league." "i can thread their souls into there," she says. "i won't let them die. i can give them a life bigger than what they had even then."
oh lord we hope so. we hope so. we should. give them lives of their own, free from this progressively mutating brand, keep them resonant with our heart and just as close. give them not just a restored present but a new future.
i think that would help us all.
there's so much unprocessed grief. i'm glad i realized this.

mom showed up around 845 i think. only stuck around for like 30 seconds. handed us the food and left. busy as always. god bless her though.
thank god it wasn't much food because we were terrified for some reason. felt damaged lotophagoi around the edges screaming in panicked fear. nousfoni trying to push through but brainfog was immense. literal terror from the smell of it. why? what was it triggering?
someone chewspit it all within two minutes. almost crying from fear. wanted it gone as soon as possible.
only data is from small chocolate chip cookies mom sent. julie immediately pinged. "uh oh, those are dangerous." like alarm bells. told us to be super careful or "very bad things could happen"
someone brushed teeth, we started to calm down and hard-depersonalize to recover (typical response), which detached us from the body and allowed headspace to come back online as it were.
someone washing dishes. we were still shaking and scared. as a result couldn't move body well and slipped, ended up splashing dishwater all over the counter, and into our actual food. had to throw it all out and start over. thank God it was just stuff we had prepped before the book club; easily fixed. but the problem was time. it was 9PM ALREADY. we were getting so weak and dizzy from only having ~900K the entire day.
jay and julie randomly sharing cleanup duty, while some terrified religious 'foni kept saying that "this is punishment for wasting mom's food. now god wasted ours, so we know how it feels." we solemnly agreed that this was correct. humbling and convicting. decided that from now on we can't "save her feelings" and instead flat-out say NO we don't want any food, yes we love you mom and we appreciate your caring generosity but we cannot accept this in good conscience because we need to take these dangerpanic responses seriously. if we take it there will only be disaster. it's not good. it's morally corruptive to pretend otherwise.
anyway. environment inside and out such a mess jay couldn't front. so JULIE DID.
honestly it is UNREAL how EASILY AND POWERFULLY SHE FRONTS. someone commented on this.
she responded by reminding us that, during the long-ago "julie days," this is what she wanted: complete control of our body. except back then, she wanted it to do "terrible things," to us and to others, she admitted ruefully. but now... there she was, taking care of the body, frankly better than anyone else, AND the only person to NOT get crushed to death by the dyspho/dysmo hell. she was just... fine. unfazed. "at home" even. she still cannot look in mirrors, or at the body itself-- that is still existentially jarring and it will shove even her out instantly-- but she can be IN it, as we do other things, without any trouble. it's miraculous, no exaggeration. we're so so grateful for her.
i remember she was "co-fronting" with lynne again. she kept inviting the breakfast crew around, even for a few seconds here and there, to get us all to stop shaking from stress and feel together again. which was really sweet and nice. she was also brave/brazen enough to eat one or two pieces of things out of bags and bowls, without any binge impetus, or carelessness. she said "i decided i wanted a piece" and that was that. also new kitchen rule is that if you are fronting and you ARE going to eat a piece of something in the kitchen, you MUST share it with xenophon. this keeps everyone accountable, and also helps prevent dissociative socials from showing up. plus xenophon takes her job seriously! she WILL call you out if you're acting unstable.

can't remember dinner. jay coming back in to read psalm 102 with mimic. remember him saying "well this is relevant." note that jay STILL "identifies" with honest pain despite the whitecore "sparkly-eyed" stereotype. he shares in the system suffering personally. his heart is apparently, intrinsically, still red. this is good. that shows he's not rotten inside like lotus ended up.

oh. jay says to write one thing. when he was cleaning up the kitchen and the body kept dissociating, the religious 'foni pushed us into floatspace. they kept "apologizing to God" frantically "i'm sorry for wasting mom's food i know that's why you punished us i'm sorry please don't kill us what can i do to make it better" and. the response they got was literally FROM THE CROSS. "it's all right. i know you're sorry and i forgive you. i've already paid the price for your sin. just don't do that anymore."
the girl felt the awful weight of that. even something as small as her wasting was a sin, a crime against love, and it must be atoned for. but she couldn't do it. only He could. and He was doing so, paying that price completely, with His Blood. right there. right now. and we knew we were responsible. we knew the gravity of sin and it was unbearable.
and suddenly, mimic was standing there too. he was a little ways away, wide-eyed with shock, looking up at the cross. tears streaming down his face. he turned to look at us then. "is that what it means??"
they had a conversation. all blood and nails. the Lamb and the octopus. we cannot remember it, it's all terrible painful gritted-teeth emotion, anger regret sorrow rage guilt confusion horror. and in response, patience compassion forgiveness justice mercy. despite the gored wrists. despite the bloodsunk eyes.
trying to just walk away. couldn't do it. trying to take the money and run but couldn't. the momentous exigency of the fact almost intolerable. "this is the freedom you wanted, isn't it?" paid in blood. and now what? how do you walk your old way knowing this? it leaves a wound. it haunts. the freely given death to save a life not even worth living, suddenly giving it that option. unbelievable. scared furious with the burden of selflessness. struck to the heart by the undeniable personal investment placed in him. hopelessly undeserving but nevertheless. admitted as the sordid felon he was and yet. take it or leave it. life or death. but it changes you.
remember clearly one line from the cross. one bleeding tender response to the why.
"because i don't want you to die."
simple profundity. broke everything in half.
whole scene stopped suddenly when we got back into the apartment. no idea what happened next inside or outside.

julie got us ready for bed.
she did all the kitchen cleanup. she kept nibbling on raisins and triscuits and carrots, but mindfully so? reassuring xenophon that she was only doing so because "this poor body really needs some more food" and we had barely hit 1400k for the day. "besides we won't be able to eat until at least 2pm tomorrow" so she wasn't worried. but she shared every bit, and kept talking to headspace, and stayed accountable and responsible and respectful.
she got really thrown off by the mirror at one point. commented pointedly how disturbing it was to "not see yourself in it." but she strongly pulled her overlay back in and kept going. god bless her she is LITERALLY keeping us alive lately in this unstable core period

tomorrow is church, adoration hour, then come home and eat, then actually an hour of freetime? maybe we can read or rest. but then go to church to clean up for holy week possibly, and if not, then just to the prayer & song service after. then home and eat dinner and type and sleep when it's all done.
exhausted, for real. but... deep down there's a joy. it's anchored in our faith and in our heartfamily. we're very grateful.


what else
nothing? long day. very tired . need slepe sleep oh hi! i'm back!
um nothing to write though. jay says he wants rl really wants to write about chaos 0. not tonight too much typing and also brain shift. too tired too much time. im tired too but say hello. hello!
okay that's it. oh wait no alsos ay we want to archive more post hospital book writing more. says it helps us love each other more. yes it does thats good!! but no time lately. too much outside body things. but learning he says? not as scary as used to. people helping. living in it together oh wow! thats good im glad that show it shoud be i think
okay. i barely type. front. cannot stay. tired! bye

Slept in until noon

Something I've realized while listening to old tunes as a severe thunderstorm rolls in…

…I've forgotten what love feels like.



I'm cleaning out my old laptop and it's blowing my mind. It's breaking my heart.

Ventrium was in 2014. How in the world have SIX YEARS passed since he died up in the woods?



Back when the Lotus Cathedral System still existed, back when "I" was still Jay, when I was a man who loved with his ENTIRE HEART, honestly to an extent of sincerity and passion that boggles me, I loved so many people, SO MUCH.

I don't… I don't even know what that would feel like, now.

Why?


…It scares me. Now that I've re-found my religion, now that I'm more Catholic than ever, it's severed something in me. Which is wrong, somehow. Now that I'm religious, I have no relationships. When I do have relationships, I lose my religion.

This has to be the devil's work. There should never be such a split, in anyone's life, between Love and love. It's wrong.



I want to kiss Chaos Zero again and I don't know how and I want to weep over that but I don't know how.
Do you have any idea how awful that feels? How horrific it is to realize that my emotions are absolutely SHUT DOWN and I can't even hold this fragile gorgeous being that I've loved for LITERALLY SEVENTEEN YEARS.

…God have mercy on us what if it's trauma.
What if it's trauma. What if this all boils down to having been so utterly wrecked by sexual abuse that I am full-on terrified of so much as holding someone's hand because it might escalate into something unbearable. Because hey, that HAS happened.
But how do I get over it? Is that even the proper phrasing? How can I heal that wound, that gaping wound that I have no clue how to manage on my own, this injury that's on par with a freaking shotgun blast to the ribs that I have literally just been trying to hide under a bloodsoaked shirt? Not even medicating it, not even wrapping it up, just trying to keep it out of my own sight because the reality of it is too terrible. And after a while I guess the blood just looks normal.
But it never actually stops hurting, does it. Even if you ignore it. And once in a while something bumps it and the sudden pain overwhelms you and THEN you realize that hey, I'M DYING HERE.


In the Lotus Cathedral, I had so much love, in me and around me and everything.
I had friends. I had family. I had a daughter, for God's sake.
I had Genesis, my best friend. I had Laurie, my superego soulmate. I had Chaos Zero, my other half, as it were; my dearly beloved who I would still marry if I had the chance.
And that's the other problem.
He's, quite honestly, the only thing that would change my mind against entering the consecrated life. Like, it's either become a nun, or marry a video game character. I'm dead serious though. I'd love to have it both ways but I have no idea if that's possible, which means I have to start researching the hagiographies of married saints because God knows I cannot live like this. I absolutely cannot live with feeling like I am forced to choose between loving God and loving anyone else, because that can't be right.

…And you know how I know that?

Because, like this, I can't actually love GOD, either.


Something in me has been scraped out with a rusty razor and there's this hollow ache smack-dab in the middle of my chest that feels like sobbing and yet, I'm utterly detached from it, cut off like a guillotine to the throat. It's that "blue voice" that the BLCS used to talk about-- that sole mourning woman who lived in our heart and never stopped crying. Lamentations. She just weeps, nonstop, like you cannot imagine. The pain is unbearable. And perhaps that's exactly why we/I cannot feel it. Right now, it is unbearable.

But darn it all I WANT to bear it. I don't CARE if it rips me in half, it SHOULD, it NEEDS TO, or I swear I will NEVER be able to feel anything again.

But I cannot even walk up to Chaos Zero in headspace because if he so much as reaches out and touches my face I swear I am going to shatter into PIECES because you know what the DEEPEST problem is here?
I FEEL TOO FILTHY TO ACCEPT LOVE.

If he, this creature that I love SO MUCH I could honestly die from it, die for him, die from joy in the best circumstances-- if he cannot even look at me right now because if he does, I will crumple into agonized sobbing, there is a BIG PROBLEM and that problem is that I CAN'T PARTICIPATE IN THAT LOVE RIGHT NOW.

My sense of identity is screwed. I want to love but I am ashamed and I am AFRAID and I don't even know how to receive AFFECTION without being terrified that I've got to dissociate and perform.
How did I do it as Jay? How did I DO it? How did "he" throw himself heartfirst into everything to the point where he became this absolute light-source of love? His very presence in the System was a literal catalyst for emotional sincerity and genuine selfless compassion.
What happened to him? What happened to me? What changed, between him and me, that just… hollowed me out, and killed him? Where did he go? If I'm his "spiritual successor," if I'm literally the next step of the bloodline as it were, the next piece of "Core" history, then… why am I so broken?

Why do I feel like CANNON all over again? Ten years ago or more? Marywood, 2009? Waking up to trauma and wishing I were dead? Well, there you go.


I don't hate S. (I will not call them by their "chosen name" because my faith prioritizes the name they were given, legally and originally, the person they were before dissociating.) And I want to be their friend. But truly I don't know if I ever knew them, either. Because when I was living in North Carolina I was either talking to Oliver or Kris or Kyo or… gosh I don’t even remember their names anymore. But it felt jagged, broken, confused. So did I. It feels wrong, even now talking about it, like choking on dirty dishwater. It feels filthy and sick. I can't look at it; I want to throw up and cry and scream and curl up and die.

And that's what I feel whenever I try to feel love, now.

That ugly ugly stuff is getting in the way. It's shame, to the point of crushing mountains, heavier than a dying star. It's apocalyptic shame, the sort that WILL annihilate you if you don't get a handle on it.

Where does God come into this?

I'm a Catholic, okay? I'm a Christian. And I do love God. But how genuine is my love if I'm having this problem with EVERYTHING ELSE?

Yesterday was Easter. We just got through Holy Week and I spent Good Friday night standing outside in my pajamas, the wind howling and snow whipping around my dirty head, crying hysterically that I was scared to death because I knew how sinful I was and I KNEW I was sorry, I KNEW I didn't want to sin or do wrong or hurt anyone or offend Jesus, ever, but I couldn't feel anything about it. My mind was confessing contrition with frankly panic-stricken sincerity, but my emotional capacity was bankrupt. There was no feeling behind the words, and THAT is TERRIFYING as a Christian because hey, does that mean I'm actually sorry at all?
God help me, I'm not sure what to do about this.

I need to be broken open. I need my heart to be shattered to flipping PIECES because honestly that is probably the ONLY WAY I'm going to get this hardness out of me.
I need to make a playlist of all the most wrenching love songs I know, and I need to go talk to Chaos Zero and not run away, and stay there for like a solid hour even if I spend most of that time sobbing. God knows that alone is progress, because I cannot even CRY right now, not without immediately reaching for a knife.

…God, where is Laurie?

Now THAT thought kills me. God I miss her, so much I actually am tearing up right now. And that's always been her saving grace-- she was always isolated from the potential horror of romance, always separate from the idea of being a partner or anything of the sort. She was always just my white knight, my soldier, my protector, my friend. And THAT is safe.
But NC tried to murder her in that respect. Oliver and the rest of the Broken Arrows wanted to be in a "romantic relationship" with her and her VERY EXISTENCE STOOD AT TOTAL ODDS TO THAT VERY CONCEPT.
She did die from it, I know. I remember. They all died. But… the Spectrum can be reborn, truly, in Christ as it must be, as it truly needs to be. She's Laurel now, or Lauriel, I can't quite tell; she's unstable, but she's alive. Somewhere, somehow. And she's safe again, untouchable, ineffable, real only because OF that. Unblemished, undefiled, virginal.

That’s the problem with everyone else that I love.
Laurie is the ONLY PERSON who has basically decreed to the point of spitting blood that she will NEVER, and CAN never, be a danger to me in that respect. She can never be romantic, she can never be intimate, she can never be sexual.
And that is THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE IS SAFE and that is also the MAIN REASON WHY I AM TERRIFIED TO EVEN GO LOOK FOR HER, because I believe that I am tainted and ruined and if I so much as look at her I will kill her.

…

The problem isn't everyone else. The problem is me.
I'm afraid to hold Chaos Zero because I'm afraid I'll ruin him. That's why I want to die and weep forever when I look at him, because I can feel this awful WRONGNESS in me and God knows I never want that to touch him.


…Love is only safe in the League, somehow.
I NEED to remember that.
And that is ALSO why I'm so FURIOUS on some level for S trying to steal it. For YEARS, the ONLY refuge from my trauma has been remembering the pure, chaste, genuine love between individuals in the League, notably in Dream World, but when S touched it, they CORRUPTED IT. They made it sexual and honestly I want to RAGE AND WEEP over that. I am absolutely BENT on making a website in the near future to attest to the TRUTH of the League and I need to like put that on a poster and glue it to my eyeballs so I am DRIVEN to work towards that end EVERY DAY.

That's slightly off-topic. And yet it's not. Because I'm listening to Kreva and when you drop the pitch on his voice to 80% he sounds like Xorane and he's singing about Devonal and those two genuinely adore each other AND YET SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T SEE THAT IN A PURE SENSE. Because they're two guys, people assume they're gay, and then assume they're being licentious, promiscuous, immoral. NOPE. NOPE AND NEVER EVER, NO HOW.
But that's what makes me so angry. S ALSO jumped on the illicit and utterly disgusting idea that Justice & Revenge were INCESTUOUS??? And they were OBSESSED with it. And NOW Revenge's basic SELF has been SHATTERED in the League and I can feel it frantically trying to rebuild him but it doesn't know HOW because those corruptive imposed ideas got too deeply ingrained in there and things need to be ripped up and COMPLETELY rewritten but God I can't do that to my own life.

I can't rip up and rebuild. I'm stuck carrying this timeline.
But… there's the bit, the one tiny crack in my armor where the light gets in, the fracture straight above my heart, that says "if the only way I could protect the love I've known is by carrying that agony as well, then I will carry it until I die."
And that's Jay's voice.
And that makes me want to cry.

I want to be Jay again. I want to be whatever he was that made him so pure and loving and good. He was just… incandescent. He was iridescent. He was JOY, and he was only that because he was also LOVE.

…Can I even be that? How?



Hey! Here's another sudden thought.
I can GIVE love, at least conceptually, in imagining third person images of myself, BUT! I cannot imagine myself RECEIVING love. Like, the idea of someone looking at ME, or kissing me, is genuinely TERRIFYING and makes me want to run and hide and cry like a panicked child, shaking and confused and so, so, so sad. And that is obviously trauma residue.


Here's an interesting thought.
There are very few people in the League or in the Spectrum who can hold intimacy, or rather, raw emotion. Like, there are very few people who can be stripped down to bare their heart and blood and wounds and still stand. Lots of folks are too scared, too hardened, too afraid, et cetera. But some of them aren't. And those people are the ones who can look at you with eyes that are just like… holy fire. Untouchable, unbreakable, undying… but so bright. It's not a hard light. It's bright, so bright, but it's somehow so soft. It's fierce but it's tender. And those words are terrifying to someone like me who, currently, cannot bare their wounds because they are too awful. But some people… the sort of person I want and need to be… the sort of person that, honestly, hopefully, gloriously, anyone can become, God's grace willing… some people-- like Jesus, quite blatantly-- can have their hearts torn open and they will STILL gently wear those scars and let you TOUCH them. That sort of absolute invincible tenderness is staggering. And, as Jay, I used to be like that. I need to be like that again.
Chaos Zero is like that. Honestly, he is the MOST like that of anyone I have EVER known. In my entire life I don't think I have EVER seen him closed off. If he tries, he melts almost immediately. Really, it's utterly against his very nature to have a closed heart. And I love that about him. I love him. And honestly… he deserves to be with someone like him in that sense. To say otherwise would be cruelty. You cannot pair up such a raw heart with a hard one. If I want to be with him-- and I do, God knows I do, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in the darkest of times, in the face of death even-- I do, I do want to be with him but my heart has to melt like his first.
Or it needs to be set on fire.

What is my personal element, now? Oh geez maybe THAT'S the issue????
The Jewel bloodline has always been fire. But Jewel, infamously, was somehow NEVER able to be soft like Jay. It's shocking. Jay's element was snow and LIGHT. Sparkles and softness and purity and white joy.
If I… if I redefine myself, if I maybe even start a new bloodline, find a new name… maybe I can soften? Maybe this weird brown-haired stone-heart earth-shackled girl I feel damned to be can change, can essentially redefine herself by what her soul is, truly, I know. I am not this reflection. I am what God created me to be and that is a child of God and that is someone who loves and rejoices and shines HIS Light through her life. And I cannot do that if I'm an inert pebble here.
I need to be light and snowflakes again. I need to find a new name.

So there we go, that's thoughts for today. It's almost noon and that thunderstorm is still rolling in and hey, maybe instead of panicking over it I'll bravely bare my heart a little and ask Laurie to join me in watching that beautiful powerful act of God outside. Lightning like her. Thunder like her words in my heart. Rain like my beloved's tears. All three of us, Genesis too with the wind, and then what am I?
"You're the hope that ties it all together," I feel her say. "You're the rainbow after the storm. You're the hope of sunshine when it's all over."
"But I don't want it to be all over," I say, a real twinge of loving sadness pulling at my chest like a guzheng string, pulling it into a vibrato. "Not if it's you. Even if it's scary, if it's you, I want it to stay."
"Even if you're scared?" A knowing voice. A hint of a purple smile.
"Yeah." I mean it, despite my trembling hands.
"And why is that?"
"…because I love you."
"And there you go," she says, throwing her own hands open in a victorious gesture, smiling, looking away a little, as if it was too bright a feeling to bear head-on. "There you go. That's how you get through this. Love."
And she looks right at me.
"You hold on to that, kid. No matter what. Promise me you will."
I nod.
"I'm still scared."
"'Course you're still scared, you're afraid to look love in the face. Embrace it, kid. Even if it hurts. Even if it's a crown of thorns. You've gotta hold it to your heart or it's not gonna carry you through the storm."


Be my light to others, child.
God is love, and love is God, and love is light unending, undefeatable.
There is always a sun behind the clouds, even in the worst of storms.
Fear not. I am with you always.
I love you too.

 

Interesting thoughts while watching kill la kill.



(started august 18th; continued through august 21st)



There's still sheer terror tied to sexuality, as well as "obligatory submission,"
except.
except when jay is in charge.

I once heard a saying like, "to overcome fear, embrace it." It's something with healing PTSD I think; how you have to be able to DEAL with what scares you, head-on, right there, without giving it power.
Long story short, the only way we're going to get past a fear of sexuality is by not letting fear eat us alive, and just giving in to what WE actually feel.

Which is, Jay's infinite platonic affectionate love for EVERYTHING.


This show's going to have a massive impact on us, I just know it.



(stream of consciousness gets data better; write this that way)


- scene w/ teacher fanservice was first scary one. not jay watching though!! "2007 girl" with no solid name. very scared. jay took over, "all right, what if I was ryuko?"

really,
jay just wants to kiss everyone,
he does not care, it's all fine with him, as long as it's platonic. and he'll defend that, while pushing limits, because he's not scared, he DOESN'T FEEL SCARY STUFF.
so by not getting shackled by fear, he stays free.

⋆ WILLPOWER is huge in anime.
"if you lose mentally, it's all over"


episode freaking three

"the fact that you are embarrassed by the values of the masses only shows how small you are! if it means fulfilling (my) ambitions, (i) will show neither shame nor hesitation… even if (I bare myself) for all the world to see! my actions are utterly pure!"
^ surprisingly relevant line. can be used for good or bad ends!

the "get naked" thing in the aspect of naked=open is HUGE for us

"you need to become my skin" that whole concept is so interesting

"the more my heart was closed, the more you yearned for a blood connection!"
"you are wearing me, and I have been put on by you"

the ending theme lyrics changed to we

THE FREAKING MARRIAGE PARALLELS
AND THE GORGEOUS FANSERVICE+BODY HORROR TRANSFORMATIONS
I LOVE THAT


episode four starts with so much more connection/care showing between them? so fast?
or did the ep3 connection imply a deeper bond initiated?
type about that more

also I LOVE MAKO. she's fearless in her honesty and simplicity, it's fantastic.
I want a buddy like her irl to be honest. someone sweet & enthusiastic & grateful but also with a skeleton of steel, so to speak.
just the way she talks to people is AMAZING.

also. it's always been a goal of ours to GET THAT WILLPOWER anime talks about.
like, ryuko's personality, that determined "I can do this/ I'll kick your ass because I have something worthwhile to fight for" bit. we USED to be like that waaaay back in childhood and it got buried?
we need it back, ACTIVELY. softness is vital but it needs to be balanced by what laurie tends to hold almost exclusively lately.
more than anyone else, JAY NEEDS IT.



this show is so over-the-top, I love it.


I've noticed that school star life-fiber wearers are proud and rely on their own power?
like in k6bd, the "poor swordsmen" who only care about winning?
whereas ryuko is relying on her strength with senketsu. it's that tandem thing. partnership.


ohh and that's gonna be the issue of ep 5 isnt it.

"victory isnt determined solely by who has the superior physical abilities."

see that's the thing about protagonists like ryuko right now. too much fire. too much arrogance in it. she's not being as humble and open as she needs to be, she's not being truly vulnerable, which will allow her to use that fiery power BETTER, in a true way. without being burned by it.


oh my heart
when mako shows up (bless her) and frees senketsu,
and ryuko catches him, and her eyes, and she just holds him--

"let go of it"
"you'll have to pry him out of my cold dead hands"

this show is killing me at last thank you oliver

oh and thank god trigger dude is the best dude. I love when characters like him-- like bismuth, really-- who are doing harsh things because of deep pain, are suddenly shown a truth that they were unaware of and it resonates with something deeper than the pain and they shift. they stop hunting, they start protecting.
I love that. I love that, it's so important to me. I'm so glad he had that realization.
"they care for each other"
and suddenly he cares for them too.

"you and i need to become even stronger. no, we can become even stronger. if we're together."


I NEED SLEEP SEE YOU TOMORROW





"this is the resolve of a man who has realized the error of his ways and sacrificed everything!"
that is what WE need to do.

resolve is key here. resolve and willpower. what jewel monsters hold those?


"the eyes of the mind"
VEZERAI parallel


"prosperity will lead to greed, and greed will lead to their eventual downfall! once they have a taste of wordly pleasures, they're enslaved by them forever!"

that is horrifically relevant to our current situation.

greed is the current vice we're fighting. I'm dead serious.
the eating disorder isn't an issue. it's the fear of lack, the fear of "going back to the slums," growing awful rotten teeth and grabbing everything it can hold, wanting solely for the sake of want, terrified of ever having an empty stomach or empty hands because that feels too much like the void it clawed its way out of.

well you know what?
I miss the void.

…

"it was just a nasty glint."

and then there's the turnaround we need.

"people aren't as weak as you say they are! people can suppress their desires through sheer willpower!"

god's given us that exact chance, RIGHT NOW.

good. let's DO THIS.



"…we learned that obsessing over short-term wants isn't any good."
"yes indeed, there is luck in the last helping."


"that is what discipline is about!"
"even if no one disciplines me, I discipline myself!"
"by shackling myself and whipping myself mercilessly, I tried to set an example… 'see my behavior and correct your own!' they would mend their ways of their own accord. to impose order on (their) independence… and to those who still refused to learn, I held back my tears and gave them a taste of the cleansing whip! …if you refuse the whip of love, then you leave me no choice!"
"your independence is revoked! I'm going to mold you into a proper student!"

well doesn't that hit far too uncomfortably close to home.

"become obsessed with resolve, and even that will turn to arrogance."

we need to think/talk about all this stuff asap, seriously.

"when it comes to haphazard attacks, the most important thing to do is dodge them."
"evasion impossible?"
"make a crazy attack even crazier, and it'll hit."

metaphorically this applies to our current situation, so

"what I want is data. not victory."

AND THAT'S THE DAMNED SCIENTIST.

we were just thinking about the splinters yesterday, how scary that was. remember how "the scientist" started out as one of them? the most dangerous one.
his original role may (thank god) be dead, but in this new war against new vices… I think he's still around, or at least, his anchor is.

think about it. these "food addictions" aren't even wants. they're COMPULSORY, because someone keeps wanting to know WHAT THEY DO when we eat them.
the current killer is coconut. we know it's not safe, because
1. oil content causes the dreaded "deep nausea" that makes us want to die
2. it is never kept down; it is too bulky and oily, it WILL be immediately purged
3. it causes phlegm coughs, awful stomach aches, bowel distress, etc. IBS stuff
4. it is bloody expensive
5. it is literally a "waste food;" it is bought TO be purged basically. we are too afraid to swallow it so it doesn't even count as food to us.
BUT someone keeps buying it BECAUSE…
1. it has "the best texture"
which is FALSE. we choke on it. yeah it's interesting sensory-wise, but that's bullshit. we're not spending our hard-earned money on fucking mouthfeel experience.we should be buying FOOD. not luxury wasteful crap.
2. "someone said coconut is good for you and we SHOULD eat it"
ignoring the "bad" symptoms which "shouldn't happen" and forcing it.
but I'm tying this all to the scientist because,
3. data keeps getting wiped after we eat it, and the addiction continues because "I want to try again and see if anything different happens this time."
it's all intellectual, detached bullshit, and it is KILLING us when tied to the "forcing" issue.

you know, we did really beautifully well today until someone ate that coconut. that's the forcing. that's the damned scientist not accepting any data other than what matches what HE wants to be true. some shitty scientist he is.

but enough of that. back to klk.



"surely it's more important to know the rules than it is to know shame"
^ SEE THE PREVIOUS TOPIC.

"a skyscraper built within your heart will never fall down."
literal headspace.
god, that's just too relevant, and so hopeful


it's too late, were going to end up killing ourself if we don't stop pushing too hard, goodnight.



the bit about tuning forks and pure tones and heartbeat is just
terrifically resonant

thanks for that.

(do revisit that entire concept/topic again btw because it really is just that resonant)


"I cannot analyze something without data"
yeah but do we really need to freaking analyze EVERYTHING

isn't there more to understanding? truly so, with us?



HOOOOOOLY SHIT

I AM SO GLAD WE STAYED UP TO WATCH THIS EPISODE THE PLOT JUST EXPLODED


okay we'll continue this tomorrow (later today) fo'reals BYE




"in other words, the deeper the hatred, the deeper the love grows."
nui is so unsettling. what is her deal.
her utter disregard for the fourth wall is just as disturbing, really.

THAT BODY-HORROR FUSION IS AMAZING (and disturbing, but talk about design)

I don't know what's going on with the starry black water but it's gorgeous

"you will become even stronger. it is merely a rite of passage."


"what is clothing?!"
"clothing is sin! man's original sin!"
"indeed… when man ate the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge, he became ashamed of his nakedness and covered his nethers with fig leaves. from the tie humanity first gained free will as human beings, it has been his fate to cover his body in the clothing called sin… we alone know man's sin and create clothing for clothing's sake!"

"clothing is the world! the grand will that wraps the heavens, the earth, and mankind, covering all."

what is with ragyo's hair it's gorgeous.


I have to admit, I like Kaneo Takarada's design & voice. I'm not sure what it is about that character style that I find so interesting but I do. I think it's that rolling casual edge? (older jewel talking)

"this is a non-euclidean space creation ritual… use this as a basis for a paradox painting!"

⋆ "an escher topology attack… the divine four formation employs geomagnetism to envelop this location in special electromagnetic waves, thereby causing disruptions in the nerve signals of the human brain. the picture they just drew altered this area's phase space and disrupted its geomagnetism! in short, they have negated their barrier!"

using art in a reality-altering sense like that is SO COOL.
and it's very resonant with us. keep that concept in mind for both magicwarp and dreamworld as well, as it's just as relevant to them as it is to us.

"pomp and circumstance 'em" followed by the sudden barrage of heart-shaped shockwaves was so great.
reminds me of my old fei-yen. gosh I love her, I miss her!

⋆NAME THE "LJ TYPER" WHO WRITES LIKE THIS.

"I'm getting stronger?" "it's because you're blinded by greed! you're so desperate cause you're fixated on your desire to get Senketsu back to normal."
"I'm not the usual ryuko matoi right now. I'm a ryuko matoi who's blinded by greed because what she wants is almost in reach."

this is one heck of a double-edged sword.
I wonder if "greed" is the wrong word. or maybe, this is a doorway to transmute greed into something virtuous? like here, ryuko is using it as a sort of fiery determination, as a good want, that she's "greedy" for to the point of absolute fixated dedication?
type about that more.


"what I struck was their hearts."
"it is not money that rules men. it is fear."
^ like we just said, the "greed" issue isn't about wanting in and of itself, it's fear of lack.
that can only be overcome by TRUST in God's providence, which is a constant, so open your heart okay?


"right next to you is the safest place"


"have you forgotten the rage in your heart that wants revenge for your father!?"
"I haven't forgotten! but I'm done wallowing in it."
"I'll live for the desire of what's almost in reach, without getting lost in the rage."

the statement of ambitions not justifying their means is very important.
satsuki's "lofty ambitions" annihilated a whole city, and ryuko says she will not tolerate that misuse of power. ryuko fights to protect her friends, and in doing so she does not commit violent "necessary sacrifices" as satsuki does.

"prove it to me with deeds, not words!"

"you would be failing to avenge your father."
"I can't sacrifice the lives of others to do it."


PLOT TWIST



I love how it's a plot point now how none of the "good guys" are wearing clothes.
it makes me think of that one finale episode of sailor moon, how nudity is presented as something good and natural instead of something shameful, which honestly I am sick of.
we don't talk about it much but nakedness is viewed as pure in headspace which is why we were SO ANGRY when the hackers were trying to corrupt it. well they failed, inevitably.
but it's still an awful thing in media. nakedness is typically used as a "bad" thing. even just bare skin is viewed as bad. we're tired of it. so this is deeply refreshing and relieving, it makes me smile (and laugh at the execution; this show is still so over-the-top but i get the gist).


…I didn’t mention this, but what terrifies and sickens me the most about ragyo is the way she just passively molests her own daughter.
and in the context of the show, I realized something.
if this series was genderbent, that behavior would probably be met with immediate outrage and screams of "gay rape" and junk like that. but, here, with two women, I was shocked to find that my mind saw this as normal.
there were no cries of "lesbian rape" or anything like that.
my brain honestly thought, "that's just what women do."
and then I realized,
when you are raised as a female (at least, in our experience), clothing serves to objectify you, even to your own parents.
how many OTHER little girls were "passively molested" by their own mothers?? felt up while wearing pretty clothes, commented on concerning their "sexiness" and "shapeliness" before they even hit puberty????
how many other little girls were shoved into pageants and weddings and plays and all the while, makeup and fucking clothing were used to turn you into nothing but a mirror of lust, a consumeable doll???
too many, I bet. it's revolting.
so ragyo feels like a personification of that, to me.
it's nauseating.

and all the heroes are naked, and it's not being sexualized, and I'M REALLY GLAD ABOUT THAT.
it's the ironic flipside of what's "usual" and it's frankly what my life has already been like.



ryuko's existential crisis is breaking my heart.
seeing her react with such utter rage, with cutting EVERYONE out of her life and just surrendering to despair and hatred, is almost unbearable.

what the hell did she DO TO RYUKO


”it'd be child's play to reawaken her by making her experience intense existential terror."

"even if smashed to a million pieces, if a single fragment remains, the whole can be reconstituted!"

both those things are 100% headspace/DID relevant. too much.


I want to say I hate nui and ragyo but the truth is I'm terrified.
I am literally scared sick of them. scared to death. when I see them my stomach hits the floor.
they remind me so much of the abuse we forcibly forgot.
I don’t ever want to endure that hell again, but they are it, they look so much LIKE it,
they are almost literal personifications OF it,
god it's scaring me so much.


oh
"that is the bliss of slavery."
so that's what happened to ryuko. this isn't her at all.

possession parallels too, huh

(I do like the explanation for why senketsu's outfit form is so revealing; that’s interesting)



I have never been so upset/disturbed by an anime before; I am honestly an anxious wreck right now.
god I hope this ends well, please.

oh THANK GOD

"I have to take it off, even if I die! because if I don’t, I'll never get to wear senketsu again!"

god that's a shot to the heart


I have to be up at 5 and it's going to be 1 when I finish episode 22 and I don’t care.
I need to see how this works out. I have to.

and this episode is gorgeous

"I understand now. The world is not cut from the same cloth. It is because it is overflowing with inexplicable, unidentifiable things that the world is so beautiful. fight at my side so that we may protect that world, ryuko!"

I
I was just thinking this exact thing on the drive home today.
seeing all the little warm lights in the windows of people's houses, windows down with the sweet night-forest air pouring in, the sunset all vivid blues and pinks splashed across the heavens.
I nearly cried with joy. I loved it all so much. I want to protect it all, and even better, I want to protect it on an individual basis.
the world is not cut from the same cloth. protecting the world as a conglomerate concept doesn't do it true justice.
you have to protect the world as its heart. as the people. as every little precious tiny thing, in and of itself, as part of the whole.


"don't let their love for you go to waste. be happy enough to make up for our cursed family."

there is so much love in this series, I adore it.

two more episodes to go.
let's do that tomorrow, after I get some precious little sleep.

(I love this ending theme so much btw; it's adorable)

BTW THE DIFFERENT LYRICS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT.

"it's been easy to blame someone else for my failure, but if I keep doing it, there will be no tomorrow for me. I was probably just lazy, I'm sorry."


she's not going to kill them (yet) because they're "precious energy sources."
that's deeply upsetting.
it's blatant disregard for the sanctity of life, plus objectification.


"I will atone for my shameful behavior through my actions!"
"behold the power of my freed ego! the shackles undone and all pride cast aside!"

this super transformation is GORGEOUS

"the closer I come to dying, the stronger I bounce back"


"you can't drag the past around with you forever!"

clean cut from the past/ present selves better than past selves/ sheathing the old sword/ moving on and graduating
VERY RELEVANT THEMES TO OUR LIFE RIGHT NOW

"he'll always be with you in your heart."






WHAT A GREAT SHOW, SERIOUSLY

 

 

 

 

things i have done so far while playing undertale:

- called a goat 'mom'
- made a butterscotch cinnamon pie
- asked a lot of deep questions
- screamed at a flower
- laughed more than i have in months
- made spaghetti
- made sushi
- made better choices in my life
- danced
- was deeply inspired by a fish girl
- fell in love with a robot
- wanted to smooch a fish girl and a robot
- talked to the screen
- forgot you can't reach through the screen
- started hearing this game in songs
- started seeing this game in dreams
- started wearing striped shirts again
- thought about death a lot
- called a goat 'dad'
- had an existential crisis
- or three
- opened my heart a lot more
- cried
- learned a lot
- gained more hope, love, and determination than i ever could have imagined

and i'm still nowhere near finished.


this game is helping me become a better person.
i love it so much.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:27 PM



heyyyy so
fighting omega flowey last night kind of
did a lot to me



i couldn't sleep, would you imagine?
i honestly could not sleep
i kept seeing it when i closed my eyes
the darkness of my room,
it felt like i was there again,
in that crushing initial despair,
or at least, the seeds of it.



when
when i first lost to him and the game just closed by itself i
i had to leave the room

"there's no such thing as happy endings"

i literally just
stopped
walked away from my computer for a minute,

you know when you cant cry or scream even though you want to because everything just went numb,
that.
existential meltdown all at once.

the room was dark and cold and small


i left the room and went to go make tea but i could barely walk down the hall,
my hands were shaking so bad,
i
i was
we were on the verge of an existential crisis and we were starting to dissociate because we wanted to weep
asgore,

i couldnt handle it
then that damned manic fronter tried to JOKE about it,
but
i cant hate her,
i cant, i can't,
not
not with what else i learned last night.


i dont know when we started fighting again
(the memory is shot once miss manic came out)
but
i swore i would not stop trying until i figured something out
and then
a cyan-colored heart appeared.

and it's
just now the personal significance of that hit me


but.
i cannot put into words what that did to my heart
when i called for help and they answered
the other children's souls.

when those green bandages appeared to take the place of flowey's attacks i
i nearly broke down in tears,
tears of relief and gratitude and love and hope,
and when it disappeared and i was facing flowey again,
i had determination.



but that fight brought out the ugly side of me.




sure, by the end, my light was stronger than ever. i won't deny that.
but right now,
i'm not fully "me."
right now,
i'm in a state that's too cold and too blank white and i can only remember what i felt before hope,
before jay iridos came in full force,

i can only remember the crushing despair and the all-consuming furious desperation
flinging ourself into the jaws of death over and over
over and over
die, try again, die, try again,
die,
just like our life now, in a way.


i didn't think i was capable of hatred


flowey's situation... what i know of it currently...
i... i'm...
remember way back when, WAY back, we only know this cause we had a screenshot,
one of our high-school red-girl alters said to someone,
that "true empaths" were the most dangerous people on earth because they could step into anyone's shoes? they could, potentially, learn to understand anyone?
back then we didn't know we had d.i.d. not really, anyhow.
but.
empathy is lethal when you have it.

we
part of us understands flowey perfectly
part of us knows what it's like to feel that way
part of us knows what it's like to hate.

part of us is that broken, too.

but it's the ire that scares me.
that, that thing that flowey said,
about,
no,
what he did, i forgot, it's like a fever dream,

i want to cry,

that one respawn where
he killed us over and over and over an
kept reloading our save file just to obliterate us again and again

god i

thinking about it now i want to sob
we could never understand that


but part of us does


there's a horrible, horrible part of us, somewhere buried,
a part that is so badly damaged that it became damage,
a part so devastated by cruelty and unfairness that it forgot their antonyms,
a part that hates
a part

that part of us hates our brother so much it wants to kill him.

that terrifies me.

but it's what flowey said.
"you're nice to people and all they do is hurt you"

that's exactly what the brother said to us, so many times
it's why he is consumed with hate right now
and

and he's personifying it, somehow,
i dont think he realizes it but it's eating him alive from the inside,
and the more he burns that towards other people,

it's
we're being so kind to him, as much as we can,
and
he's only hurting other people.


"is life really that unfair"

how awfully ironic
that the very thing that filled him with hate, the exact way he says other people treated him,
is the way he is treating other people now.
just like flowey

and
but
we're the one who
somewhere,
someone deep down in the ugly blank black place, that box of contained hell,
of nothingness condensed into a square,
nothing
w

why are we even capable of this

is that just the darkest side of human nature?

it happened to him, now it's happening to us? an ugly cycle?

no.
jay will break it. everyone in central will break it. they always do.

but someone is instigating it and that's the real problem.

someone is so torn-apart by this,
by trying so damn hard to appease that brother, trying to help him in any way we can,
listening to him talk for hours, offering advice and reassurance for hours,
we fought to get him a place to stay here, now he's abusing that,
threatening our grandparents, wasting their money,
stealing our mothers car, lying about where he is and what he's doing,
drugging, drinking, god knows what else, lying to our faces about it,

we make one tiny mistake and he shreds us to bits for it, he's incapable of forgiving, he'll never let us forget it, even years later,


but HE'S in pain, he's in PAIN, he's IN PAIN AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON HE'S DOING THIS,

how do you heal the pain?


i am so stressed out trying to "heal him" it's killing me,
all i want is for him to be happy but damn it he's not even responding half the time,
he's so convinced that we're "out to get him" that he won't listen,

god this is killing me, i cannot handle these stress levels, no one in our family can,
and the stress is all on my head
mother tells ME, make his phone calls, call his doctors, buy his food, drive him places,
grandparents rely on ME to clean up his messes, replace what he steals and trashes,
and ALWAYS, everyone telling ME, calm him down, talk to him, make him feel better,
i'm trying but nothing is working.
i used to cover his ass when he was struggling before but no more,
now he's just using me, now he's just being ungrateful and disrespectful, no more,

i want to be compassionate but how, in this situation what can i do,

and that's why jay^ is confused,
because in the wake of all that,
the dark seeds start to burst,
and we've got ourselves an ugly ugly alter deep down who just wants it all to stop.

that's what it is.
blind heartbroken rage.

"stop this. stop being so disrespectful and uncaring and closed-hearted. why are you so cruel to us? why are you so cruel to others? you say you dont hate anyone but you have no kind words to say about anyone. you speak only pitch-black words, you speak only storm clouds, you are frightening and you DONT CARE HOW YOU HURT OTHER PEOPLE.

you would threaten our CHILDREN and LAUGH AT THEM for being SCARED OF YOU????

FUCK YOU. LEAVE US ALONE.


but it's only the one of us who doesnt talk, who cant talk, who is just a receptacle for this,
this one blind amalgamation of horrid pained emotion that just exists to burn,
to attack and annihilate the cause of this constant daily anguish and make it STOP.


i'm sorry.

so last night taught us a lot


we
we learned a lot of good things, too.
that's jay's field though. that's his thing to talk about, not mine.
but
today, on thanksgiving,
despite the AWFUL amounts of pain that hit today, the feeling of before a thunderstorm in the air,
i dont care.
you know what, right now, i'm so tired of it, i dont care.

i dont care about any of that right now.
last night we learned how to love and forgive and glow and learn from our mistakes.

we have hope, we have determination,
when i start glowing "i" can't exist so


thank you for listening to me talk about the more painful things so we can clean them out
but i would rather die smiling than survive to be negative.

 

....I don't think we're giving ourselves enough credit for where we are now.

We can't be as cruel as we once were. We can't.
Those of us who used to be obsessed with blood and gore and violence... even they can't so much as look at it now.
Those of us who used to be abusively hypersexual, they're abandoning that quickly too. Many of those who hurt others now truly realize what they did in the big picture and are apologizing, not having comprehended it before. Even those who blindly shoved others into abuse they themselves didn't instigate, they're "getting bored" which is nevertheless a good reprieve. Julie 'got bored' first too, remember, before she quit.
Even the eating disorder people are stopping. Food data is sticking, kids are remembering that certain things hurt them, they aren't bingeing anymore.

I think it's because we've finally, really learned empathy? Like for years, we dissociated so badly that we saw all of that as utterly distant, as something abstract, that we couldn't feel or touch. Even when we did experience it, we didn't, so to speak-- we depersonalized totally, we blacked out... even any "memories" we had were in third person.
Then we started finding people like Ashen. Suddenly all that wasn't some distant thing on a screen. Suddenly it was something we could actually feel and all of a sudden, we understood and we didn't want that to happen to us or anyone else anymore. We would never again have the false luxury of pretending it "wasn't real," that it was just a "harmless idea" or something equally nebulous. Never again.

I think that's also why I want to stay off Tumblr. So many blogs there glorify violence, and malignant depression, and sexual extremism, and similar things that are very damaging to us. You can't avoid 100% of them. No matter where you go, there's the risk of more of it burrowing into your subconscious, and I do not want that. Even worse, so much of it is plastered with the sentiment "it's just art/ words/ etc.! It can't hurt anyone!"
Maybe not just sitting there, no. But the instant it gets in your head... that shit has consequences. The mind does as it will, and you never know if your subconscious is battered enough to turn those "harmless" things into ammunition. Ours did. Which was no surprise-- overexposure to the point of carelessness is lethal enough, but combine that with a history of family dysfunction and morbid obsessions and abuse, and the word "harmless" becomes meaningless. It's like the psychotically depressed child who learns that mommy's hair comb can cut just as well as a razor, and no one will guess. Anything can be used for the wrong purpose, if put into the wrong hands, so to speak.
Anyway that's getting too dark. Point is, I know our personal risk factor. I know just how malevolent our mind was once and I NEVER want it to reach that point again through sheer nonchalance. That would be criminal.
So, now that we're learning to heal, I don't want anyone slipping us psychological Novocaine anymore.
I'm just done with it all. Totally done.

With it comes a deeply relieving but oddly antsy sort of peace. We've never gotten to this point before. Childhood must have been a totally other thing, if that even counts, what with how violent and selfish we allegedly were back then. Funny how we don't remember that. We only remember Jewel, age 10, at the earliest, as one of us. There are tiny snippets of feeling prior to that but nothing tied to a person.
So this is new, totally new, and euphoric in its own way.
But the emptiness of it is just as new. What do we do with it now, all this good space? All this vast compassionate void left in the wake of all the cruelest things fading away?
It's up to us to use it. It's a bit overwhelming right now. I can't expect us to jump totally into this, all at once. The shock would be too harmful, I think-- it needs to be a process. We need to ease in, put roots down, really integrate this.




One thing that still baffles me is how tired we are all the time since starting our semi-job. Although we only work 3 hours in the morning, 5 days a week, that's enough to throw us off entirely. I think it's because of our time-shifting thing? Like we have to "switch modes" when we go from being in public to being alone to being at home, etc. And I mean, the job is great, we can tune into headspace for a good deal of the time, but then you have to go HOME and tune back out... it's very, very jarring.
I wonder, if we switched up the schedule a bit. What if, immediately upon coming home, we didn't go into "home mode?" Could we do that? How? What's a way to keep that vibe going once we walk in the door and people start talking to us?
What if we went straight into our room, and somehow, I don't know, read something or did something... I don't know. The problem is we have to """live""" eventually (and I mean that with big time irony) and that means going back into the physical. We still aren't good at it. Is that why we're tired?
We need headspace. We need inner time, absolutely, totally, without interruption. Allegedly we had a lot in 2011? I don't know offhand. Time is messed up for us, I've been told (by hearsay) we need to review things otherwise we'll never know what year it is for sure, or what happened.
But we need to stop being so tired. I'M tired of always looking at the clock and seeing 8PM or later and realizing "geez, I have like, two hours tops to live" and then it's "hey as soon as you get up it's STRAIGHT TO WORK!!" I mean geez, I just... I think the problem is, we can't wake up that fast. We can't, it hurts, it's so jarring.
Maybe if we just... woke up at 6. Let Jay lie there for a while and let our dreams actually settle in before we do anything. I think THAT'S what we need, to not be tired. As it is now... we don't ever feel like we slept at all. We go from the nighttime headspace bliss, to suddenly being jumped out into loud outerlife stuff and it's so exhausting.
That's a good idea. I'll have to tell everyone, or at least leave a note, I can do that. Bedtime at 10, that should work.


I should clarify, this isn't Jay.

(She can't think for herself yet, it's not her job. She's about 17, we estimate. Boyish, essentially androgynous, as all the "girls" were in the main fronting positions. She's tied to the "older Jewel" look of the longer brown hair, the post-heartspace look that seemed to have set in during late high school, yet unrelated to the outerlife for the most part. These hold a unique role that is cognizant of headspace, yet unmanifested within it. They can speak about it but not as part of it, at least not of the Spectrum. However they are not part of the outerlife either, although they are aware of it. This may be the elusive "writer" category we have been trying to pin down for quite some time: those who are not part of either solid existence level because their job is to float between them as a neutral presence who can report on both without personal involvement bias. -Sherlock)

...

(left like this. too much gap between closing document and posting)

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

@9:50 PM


DUDE I JUST REALIZED
CISTERNS ARE FOR HOLDING WATER

I TOTALLY OVERLOOKED THAT WHEN WE VISITED THE UNDERGROUND ONES BECAUSE THEY WERE FULL OF SHADOWS AND CANDLES
BUT WE WERE SURROUNDED BY DEEP BLACK WATER THE WHOLE TIME!!!



also remember--
in headspace, nousfoni do NOT have "heartbeats," they have different sorts of resonant perpetual sounds?
this hit us HARD after the body illnesses lately. when that happens we LOSE our "connection" to the body and our forms upstairs become totally uniquely tangibly ours, as we cannot root into the physical form. and when that happens all the stark differences become very very clear.

jay's is a bright circular ringing, like the rim of a wet wineglass, or a handbell note stretched into infinity. but it's a circle of light, like an outline. always moving, in every direction at once somehow

 

 

 

- slept in today. 12 hours I think. hack upon awakening. WHY. However it did clarify that to our brain, “sex” and “sexual intercourse” are TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS allowing some fronters to be tricked. Jay realizing that hir resonance was completely INCOMPATIBLE with physical sex. Felt “wrong,” made him very scared. His resonance is like glittering diamond crystals in stage light, whereas the “sex” shit was like a dark blue dense orb, thick energy swirling very slowly. Again, felt VERY wrong and he started sobbing when he realized what had happened. Also reiteration of the “wrong energy flow” thing too; jay said that even in non-sexual contexts (which should be the ONLY things he or we are exposed to), he CANNOT take anything in. it feels invasive, unfitting, diseased, forced. He can give, but he CANNOT take. This is important and relevant even for heart connections—those should ONLY EVER be MUTUAL, a sort of “mixing” and NO give/take junk AT ALL. If that’s happening it is HACKED and you need to RUN.
- couldn’t quite wake up today. felt very dazed until about 6pm, didn’t help our function much. Before that, bought lettuce at farmers market, chip things at wegmans, but after today they’ve lost all appeal and we no longer feel any need to get them. GOOD.
- therapy was neutral energy but progress was made. Showed her the pictures we found of spinzor, she printed ALL our entries from the past week, started reading 1013 and 1014. trying to get the good-angry “girl” fronter who came out last night to front in therapy. Need to distinguish more clearly between her and overload; they are VERY close (same anchor roots) but have different trigger purposes. Anyway this one feels a LOT of relevant “negative” stuff which is very telling data, so having her out in therapy instead of screaming in the car alone would be great for everyone.
- hack at 10pm or so. Jay came out, sobbing, “I love you guys more than that bitch will ever love anything,” ATONED for the first time in weeks. Ashen says this “gives us our virginity back” so we all feel a lot better now, for the sentiment and actual respectful action. We bled a lot, it was surprising. got all over the floor.
- wreckage found out the hackers apparently had audio files saved on relic (our old/new mp3 player) so she deleted them all. THANK YOU
- speaking of hackers the main concern for all of us seems to be “restore our innocence.” The ONLY reason hacks became so bad and frequent after college is that hackers specifically started corrupting things that we considered “emotionally relevant” ESPECIALLY if they were tied to childhood.
- on that note, apparently our “lost hackers” were getting tricked by the “looks better on paper” thing too, as well as trauma residue. You know the one lime hacker who was obsessed with “children’s sexuality?” well at the concert we showed her what ACTUAL kids (7-12) looked like, and she was horrified. “I’d never touch them! I’d never hurt them EVER!!” she couldn’t even fathom someone associating them with sexuality in any sense. So she’s profoundly sorry. GOOD. Maybe she can help us now. But yeah there’s also apparently a mental split there?? Which is something we had as a child too—we couldn’t understand how children turned into adults. We saw kids—which, to us, was EVERYONE up to like age 17—as asexual, innocent, completely safe. That weird period around 18 baffled us, because we couldn’t understand that there was a “transition period” from being a child to being an adult. For us, adults—like age 30 on I guess?—were inherently sexual and therefore totally unsafe. BUT as a child we could not understand that adults HAD been children once!!!!!!! So that still lingers in our head somehow. We need to discuss that. We need to discuss a LOT on this topic actually; it’s so tangled due to trauma and we never really looked at a lot of it before because of trauma, so. I should make a list.
- WE GOT A NEW LAPTOP??? Total surprise, thanks gramps. Right in time for jay’s birthday, go figure. Haven’t taken it out of the box yet, hope it works. In any case I don’t want to use a desktop anymore dude it HURTS
- sugar is still laurie’s bodyguard if you forgot and she’s been showing her face a lot lately. Wreckage has too, if that’s not evident. She is becoming very close to laurie actually, which isn’t surprising-- it seems our most devoted protectors have the most broken hearts; they both tend to end up sobbing after awful days because they want to shield everyone from that pain and terror and they feel helpless sometimes, in the face of how much we’re still struggling with. But again, we all love them, and their existences alone are reassuring to all of us even on those awful days.
- tomorrow we have a therapy appointment near the local theater so genesis decided “let’s see a movie” so I said “sure, it’s a date” and we’re giggling over that but yeah, movie day. we haven’t just chilled together in a while and I think I desperately need it; I love him so much and I MISS spending entire days with just him.
- we all agree that Infinitii needs to “reset” and HOPEFULLY after the concert yesterday ze has, and that will stick. We also all agree that the “infi” going with the hackers is NOT REALLY HIR; jay can tell, the vibe is all wrong, always feels secretly malevolent, too much like tar. He says that frequently that “infi” also has RED EYES which is NOT SAFE. The real infi ALWAYS has iridescent-black irises, and now ze should also have a face-mouth as often as possible as that carries the “inner fire” we’re all trying to get back, the sheer determination to stand strong against evil, the proclamation that we will overcome it always. We are soldiers of love & light and we refuse to let ourselves be pushed around anymore.
- jewel tried to front today BUT she felt her first wave of self-humiliation from the grandmother??? It was VERY sad and just as frightening; she should NOT ever be corrupted by that stuff. But it was shame tied to “I’m younger than this body and I am being condemned for acting my age when they consider it “silly” and “inappropriate.”” So really it was a profound sadness. We need to reassure her, but I think from now on she’s going to be a lot more careful fronting around people. It’s still not safe here to be anything but stealth.
- in light of slc “pain residue,” we’ve found that there is NO MEMORY AT ALL LEFT OF ANY OF IT, save for location data and vague recollection data of entries written about it. BUT most notably, in asking damaged alters, they consider the physical people and their screennames to be DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS. And its really sad because the associations are skewed? There’s so much fear and anger (why???) tied to remembrances of the physical people; the response seems to be “they emotionally abused us and were cold to/ angry at us all the time” but is that true?? Or was that how things were interpreted, in light of how these alters were treated prior to slc?? I have no idea. I want to let go of that FOREVER but as long as there is still inexplicable grief and loathing tied to it, we can’t; it needs to be healed. I don’t want any bad residue anywhere.
- …which is probably why hacks keep happening. Remember we were told that in order to truly heal we must remove all fear/ loathing/ etc. from that experience. Therefore, we developed abusive alters who did not feel trauma from sexuality, in order to present us as “healed.” THAT’S A LIE. As long as people like ashen and sylvain and david and jeremiah and jay and cel and Julie and eros and Javier and cz and infinitii exist—and yeah we’ve all felt the awful horrendous side of sexuality at some point—then we aren’t “healed” in the way that THEY define “healing.” …and to be blunt this is probably the biggest strike against Jacob, too—the fact that, in 2010, he erroneously labeled
bottom line, to us, true “healing” is for us to remove all hate/ fear/ disgust from that topic BUT also to never participate in it, because we STILL DON’T WANT TO.
- oh. Also, why we are so pissed at the hackers. This morning, before they decided to try and hijack jay, he was specifically focusing on leagueworld HEART CONNECTIONS. those damned hackers are STILL TRYING TO CORRUPT THAT.


(ended just like that; not adding any more as it speaks for itself well enough)

today...


- razor fronting at work because the father was using razorblades to cut things, really cleanly and professionally. she was enthralled and it made her really happy to see her weapons being used so artfully in a non-destructive way
- went to the fave bakery and got a rum truffle. split it with inner people, rio of course was super happy (their stuff is incredible) but insisted we share with markus. now he doesnt usually like sweets like rio does but he tried this, paused, and said he was reconsidering his stance on desserts. it was hilarious but yeah he loves rum truffles now
- odd thought between rio and cz: "markus needs a 'jewel' of his own"? if he wants that sort of relationship that is. but it's true, rio and the 2002-3 jewel were basically soulmates, same with cz and every jewel after 2006 or so. genesis was bffs with every social core, cel was powerfully tied to the first two jewels, laurie has been close to every core from 2008 or so, infinitii is bound to all the jay cores. but markus never really got that sort of close connection with ANY of them, not sure if he wanted it? he's absolutely not 'left out' of the group, he is very loved, he's just a concerning stand-out in this context. so we'll see
- so much stuff with daemons today oh dear lord. apparently "cannibalism" between daemons is considered an act of intimacy? and daemons really have no concept of "relationships" like we do; basically if you're a daemon then any and every other daemon is a potential intimate partner, regardless if you just met them or what. daemons take intimacy very seriously, there is no abuse between them or it gets shut the heck down. you know what i mean. anyway yeah uh, we all knew infinitii was into the eating thing but so is chocoloco and apparently the two of them work really well with each other with that. its reallly hard to describe it here, it's not quite "eating" as we think of it as consuming but it is, it's all teeth and mouths but it's not brutal or impersonal it's profoundly sincere?? sounds odd to describe it that way but it is. like chocoloco is literally edible (all chocolate and apparently cherries?? coffee too i've heard) but infinitii isn't, but infi can still be eaten if ze offers hirself as such? it's so weird. jay would know more about it than me. i'll make him type about this more on his own.
- but jay is super into that too, the "intimate devouring" thing as he says. goes halfway into his "daemon form" (all cloudy white with tons of wings and eyes) with infi, focuses on heart stuff. he's really sensitive, we all know that. but apparently he spent a lot of time with infinitii like that today, which is VERY good, as that's very positive and it breaks down all emotional walls and he needs that.
- xenophon ghosting for most of the time jay was out today, instead of genesis. she loves being around jay, cheers him up a lot, its great theyre spending mroe time together. laurie tried ghosting too for a bit, but she finds it draining and difficult-- mostly, she can't 'teleport' like xennie and gen can, it burns her out really fast and makes her very dissociated. lots of lightning when she does it too. but her presence is very powerful, moreso than other ghosters. maybe thats why she cant warp quickly?
- lots of stuff recorded on morpheus, need to type it out. over 60 tracks total whoa boy
- we FORGOT TO MENTION but on sunday i think, who in the world shows up in headspace but SERGEI AND HYAKINTH. WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM THEM IN MONTHS. apparently the summer hacker nonsense was damaging sergei's anchor and he was starting to FADE?? jay started crying, did everything he could to help. as far as i know sergei is okay now, thank goodness. but we're trying to find ALL the people we haven't spoken to in a while now (thankfully theres not many; we've gotten very good at communication) as that scared all of us bad. make sure everyone is okay.


still 12:24 everywhere dude
for us that means "do your creative work" so
gotta go get it done son

 

some things i want to write down because, in light of today, i want to regularly update well, to offset the poor hurt voices that tend to write here rather frequently now that everyone's on one blog. no offense to them, there just needs to be a balance.


- waldorf and i (jay) are getting quite close as friends and it is really nice. we spend a lot of time together at work and she's going through a sort of break/softening period too, like a lot of us are, so that's all helping. i love her a lot and it's so nice to finally be "reconnecting" with her after so long. she's become very dear to us all up here and that makes me so, so happy.

- i've been feeling a very fierce affection about wreckage again lately, especially today. she doesn't come out much but she'll introject her thoughts/presence a lot, even if only for a moment or a sentence here and there. so her presence is felt.

- laurie and genesis have become like... ultimate bffs. i dont know how this happened. i am not complaining at all. they're rubbing off a lot on each other and although there is some worry of slippage as a result, it's generally working extremely well for both their benefits? so go figure. this was one friendship no one expected but there it is.

- forgot to mention. you know how genesis and i always joke about the roses at wegmans? if not you do now. anyway they have big bouquets by the exit, always different colors, i always wonder "who should i buy which ones for" for fun. well last week genesis persuaded me to give both javier and jeremiah bunches of roses upstairs, no particular reason, just because we felt they deserved a gesture of unbidden affection. so i did. jerry was teary-eyed and smiling so widely, "did you get me these??" it was really cute. javier kind of expected it was me (yes he & i are still very close) but he was moved too. see it's nice to just do nice things for people.

- kalisha wants to be buddies with the tan/peach "exercise guy" (yes he's still alive, still very beneficial) once he gets a face & name. he was out actually biking today which was good because we were semi-out-of-it and his presence cut through that fog, due to function.

- our "victini" girl is confirmed a real person! we've been wondering about her for months but she rarely fronted and never had tough enough roots. but she was out for a while today and her vibe is solid so that's great. she's going by "vixie" currently. she's full of energy, she comes out to help with driving the body in that respect, because she can handle a lot of heat, as well as a lot of exertion. like if you need a sudden huge boost of fiery power, you ask vixie. she really packs a punch.

- karissa hasn't been fronting but she's slowly gaining anchor strength too. she's now able to manifest in headspace, albeit blurrily? and i'm unsure what level she's on. feels like midspace. but yes, she's getting stronger.

- laurie is still working with the tiger-lily voice (who still hasn't found a name), she's learning. they're ALSO apparently working with jemma's "twin," the angry long-brown hair one who does respond to "jess" but we're not sure if it's THE jess. she's about... 18, maybe? but she's angry all the time. surprisingly it's often a RIGHTEOUS angry, so laurie and tigerlily are trying to get her to work WITH them instead of against them. who knows how that will turn out, but i'm hopeful.

- talking with the e.d. voices a lot more lately, more clearly, they're listening. laurie is being a huge help with this; her new "do no harm but take no shit" demeanor is getting a lot of the younger alters to listen to her instead of lashing out from pain/fear. delicacy is important with these people, they are damaged after all, otherwise they wouldn't be perpetuating damaging behavior.

- emmett has been out to eat lately! he was so relieved, haha. we all miss him, he's such a beneficial person/ snakething. effortless fronter too, that reassured some of the more paranoid e.d. people.

- ALCHEMY. we were pushed to research it again lately (thanks infi) and found out, yet again, that there is massive relevance to our System/Spectrum within it (THANKS INFI) and honestly it's both amazing and shocking. so we're integrating what messages it had for us. believe me so far the messages are VERY RELEVANT and just as helpful. so real progress is happening! this was quite a good shove in an important direction.

- in the outerlife, bro left his apartment and relationship, neither situation was really positive. so he's currently staying with our dad but that's apparently a big ball of stress, so he might be bunking back at the house? who knows. either way he's going through a sort of spiritual "transition" phase it seems, where he's still learning a lot, but he's already learned enough to give him a very solid base, except there's still not a lot of roots, so he's panicking over "not knowing enough" and "i just want to understand everything" and to be honest he is trying WAY TOO HARD. it's making me rather nervous around him; his attitude has become highly passive-aggressive and bitter but really it's this plus the anger he feels at "no one else understanding." its a very very tangled issue. so i'm talking to him, offering help whenever i can, in whatever way i can. i want to see him get through this a-okay so we'll do our best in what ways we're called to assist with that.

- he was trying to talk with us today about psychological stuff-- he specifically wanted to know "what was going on with us" in general, as we honestly haven't been doing too well lately (sick mostly, self-abusive, nerves). well however that conversation went all i recall is that at the end, a kid alter came out (i want to say sylvain? but i'm not sure) and they were very candid and open, i'm thankful for that. but again, the bro was talking in that weird way where everything felt like barbs in our head, and that stuck out because he left around that point and then the kid said "why do grown-ups always talk so funny?" that was notable; we wanted a conversation in the way that children talk to each other-- no pretense, no intellectual games, no "trying to look good," no whiny emotional manipulation, none of that. but the bro wouldn't talk to us without making everything sound detached and "proud wise" and still somehow self-loathing. i'm not condemning him it just hurt, and made us very very anxious because we've dealt with this sort of demeanor from people before and it always gives us the heebie-jeebies. synaesthetically it felt like "washed-out silvery blue paint," "the color and density of fog," specifically "there was no substance to it." and that made the kid very sad? they wanted ORANGE, specifically, as a speech color here. they wanted joy and humor and anger and strength and solid brunt honesty. no wishy-washy stuff, no weird tinny proud self-doubting intellectual jargon dumps. it's hard to describe but i really really dont like that feeling. maybe i'll talk about it later i just want to see the brother happy again, and open to life again, not so oddly depressed like this. so we'll help.

- uh what else. other brother (lightning/randall) is getting incredible at portraits which is inspiring us to try our hand at pencil realism again, we miss it. we need to get a new sketchbook for the first time in three years. give us some motivation to fill it up.

- day off work tomorrow, which we need as we're exhausted in more ways than one. we also have therapy which we haven't had since last thursday so that's welcome.

- no hacks in like... five days? THANK GOD. there was a frightening resurgence of them last week for some reason. hacks are scary because once one happens, the grief/ rage/ fear/ shame aftereffects make it very hard to recover and it kind of tears up our psychological immune system if we aren't careful? so the default "transition timeframe" for anything is three days. if we can hold our ground for three days after a hack, then we're basically in the clear. we can live without fear now. so we're in that place now! god willing we won't have ANY more hacks EVER. there have been longer, more frequent gaps between attempts anyway recently, due to our being wiser and more willing to FIGHT back, improvement has been massive. so that's good.

- so. much. work. to do for dream world. but it's mad typing and reviewing and it's JOYOUS when we pace it well! so that's giving us something to do during the day that is 1) productive 2) fun 3) really inspiring 4) insert many other positive adjectives here.

- other leagueworlds are growing too, notably nogaisa of all things, which hasn't spoken to us ever yet. it's putting out shoots, so to speak, really eager to grow, but it's a tiny thing yet. but it's so deeply lovely, and sad, and interesting. we'll stay with it.

- GUESS WHO APPARENTLY APPEARS IN SONIC RUNNERS? Yeah I didn't even know this game existed but I sure do now, haha. i have to mention that my immediate thought upon seeing that guy is still either "hey beautiful" or "my beloved." we had a short talk about that today, how i'm managing self-doubt better with our whole relationship thing; i mean yeah it's "weird" but honestly that's not a problem. and it shouldn't be. weird or not, i do love him, for better or for worse, no matter what. so that's that.

- still trying to get a very significant art trade done, need to really devote time to it tomorrow evening or friday. did receive some 'bonus' poetry though which had a very very deep healing effect on us; like it came straight out of an old timeline and reached the people who were born there. it was something we really needed to read.

- last but not least there is something really really cool i am going to have to show you in like... a week or two? three? depending on someone else's schedule. but rest assured it will be gorgeous. i'll keep you posted.

- the body is starting to react funny to being up so late (1:30 geez) so no more typing tonight. see you later kids

 

entry for yesterday.

therapy on monday:
"middle number" emotions are warning signs!
told her we don't normally feel any negative emotions higher than a 1-2.
if we do, let's say they hit a 4, then they will RAPIDLY escalate to a 9-10 within minutes!
this is because those emotions only occur when there is a greater reason beneath them. they are a perfect sign that there's something that NEEDS to be done or discussed or dealt with. it cannot be ignored when the numbers get that high.
therapist agreed with that.

"doublethink" concept? she said it was the concept of SECOND GUESSING something we know, completely, because someone else was insisting that thing was the exact opposite.
this is BIG for us with spiritual things. we have, through solid long-term effort and soul-searching and such, figured out WHAT WORKS and what resonates with us clearly, even if that thing may shift over time. WE KNOW.
however if someone from outside claiming they "know better" tells us the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what we know for ourself, we will have that knee-jerk fear reaction of "what if they're right" and as a result we will, effectively, hold BOTH those utterly conflicting mindsets at once.
but the therapist said the biggest problem here was that we were acting on the second guesses, no matter how "wrong" they felt or how sick they made us.
we are well aware this is a problem that still isn't solved. it requires a metric heckton of personal faith and trust, which is admittedly difficult to hold on to when you've been taught all your life that "other people will always know the truth better than you." it taints our life with fear and we do need to talk about that more in-depth with her.


talking to laurie/ cz that night:
"always looks better on paper" concept, HUGELY relevant to our longterm struggles.
i forget what the example was
but it was the idea that, we're always so enamored with concepts, everything is an IDEA, and it works perfectly and makes total sense and meshes with our beliefs/ morals/ etc. and it's fine until we actually try to put it into practice. then it crashes and burns.
this ties into the "doublethink" thing, i would say? very well. because we might have an understanding of one thing which is totally different than what other people say that thing is... the "understanding" versus the "action." on paper and off paper. and we get confused and consider both sides legitimate and it's a mess.
but. at least we realize now that the "off paper" things are NOT GOOD for the most part. that's like a rule of thumb with this.

i also remember there was some sort of odd realization when talking to cz, body heart vs inner heart?
tied to the "on paper" thing too.
body heart = physical and we were actually depersonalized from it? not sure if this is a response to past trauma, or if this happened before and we never noticed. anyway it's safe when it's NOT OURS. only when it's a thing we can feel/ hear/ etc. not when it's something tied up in "who we are." does that make sense?
jay trying to figure out what a "heart" would feel like personally then, on the inside. said it wasn't even an organ, more of an energy center, very much an intuitive thing so words don't really work. but the image is like a really bright sphere, kind of moving light like sunlight on water. or underwater. and that sort of sunlight glow, not like lamplight. very bright but not blinding or upsetting or harsh. also jay's very "expansive" despite his preoccupation with structure/order, the sense of the "heart" is that is is in a spherical area in the chest but it's much bigger. expands out from the body, like a wash of atmosphere. like it fills up the room. but he does too, he's still uncomfortable with holding a solid form for long.
in other news he's been more genuine with himself lately, when he gets positively overwhelmed he just lets his form shift as it will, usually gets less human, more teeth and eyes and melty structure and feathers. people are amusingly used to it already.

 

july 26th.

★★Jay not holding WHITE, per se, but being a "RAINBOW" QUITE LITERALLY
Laurie saying "there IS no Rainbow slot, you're EVERY COLOR."
possibly the TRUE role of the real Host, i.e. being able TO BE ANY/EVERY COLOR WITHOUT DISSONANCE??
jay has been reflecting this appearance-wise lately quite often; again, the subtlest shifts in hair color/style and eyes are MASSIVELY important (as certain qualities are tied to certain "bloodlines") and can mean there is an entirely different person around.

★ eros birthday bear? we still have it, does he still have it upstairs?
BEAR "SPECIES" UPSTAIRS?? (the underground bear, and all of his/minty's messengers)
also BUGS. (beetles, ants, glowworms, spiders, butterflies, etc.) maybe tied to CEL??? the clock-wings one, mind!!


thoughts on eros and the past:

November 27th 2012 said my "real center" is Red, even though I resonate with snow. Then said that the Angel Helmet AND my 'Eros form' were the inspirations for ALL OUR ASCENDED FORMS. Still no idea how those apply btw. Plus the triple-4th was the NEXT DAY (CEL WAS THERE)

February 10th 2012 was the discovery of the Blood Lotus Cathedral, an incredibly major event. First, I never noticed until now, but J put on the Angel Helmet three times under different circumstances-- first, in the Oasis Room, it made him look how MY Soul Form looks now. Second, talking to Laurie, it turned him red & white, like "peppermint," effectively the color scheme J himself held then… and third, with Chaos, it made him look like Eros (gold wings (he did have a color conflict at first), red ribbon). Since the Helmet outwardly manifests virtuous qualities, it's notable to see that it apparently changes with context, and the Eros appearance ONLY showed up with CZ.
Then, when fighting the Tar & Razor (pre-anchor) downstairs, those two fused and then TURNED INTO "CELEBI", after which J was stripped of his defenses and turned into Eros in response--
"…it kept bringing up the 17th, then it turned into the celebi form of my old self, still made of tar, it felt very frightening. lynne put a shield up between us because it was getting dangerously close, but after a while of it screaming i walked through the shield, said it was something i needed to deal with. this made me turn into eros form, like in the cathedral. the tar laughed and said i was more vulnerable then ever now, i was scared it would abuse me, but i stood strong. laurie was terrified for me though."
Sorry for the dramatic emphasis; it's just that those two seem to have many connections we overlooked.


January 18 2012: J was referred to as "Eros" as a name at least twice during this… which is shocking, because THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT MISTRANSLATION, IN LIGHT OF THE SUICIDAL CELEBI FALLOUT. THAT SINGLE CONCERN WAS WHAT CREATED EROS, AND KILLED HIM. Since I no longer have the mistranslation problem post-Infi-- who WAS the love core in that Celebi shadow-- that is notable in and of itself, tied to this name and its behavior.

The first name-drop was by Laurie, BUT in this context: "You still don't believe you have the right to be who you are, Eros… you're love, not lust. Ever... but you still aren't sure if you love yourself, are you?" And J said NO. THAT'S VERY SIGNIFICANT. She also said, in response to J trying to fit the mythological "Cupid" title exactly: "Stop getting so hung up on names, boy. They're guidelines for missions. You know who you are."
The second name-drop was by CZ, after things had calmed down. He said "at heart you're only love," and when J questioned that, CZ responded by calling him Eros… a little disturbing how both of these name-drops were tied to denials of self-worth.

★★★ THE REAL EROS LOVES HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE.
THE SEXUAL DRIVERS LIKE JACINTH AND AZALEA DON’T UNDERSTAND LOVE AT ALL.

EROS WAS EXPLICITLY TIED TO CELEBI AT FIRST. DOES THAT STILL APPLY IN ANY WAY?? even color?

about celebi:
"A small but powerful creature of time, incredibly rare, who protected old forests and their inhabitants, and was said to bring an egg from the future where it traveled. They can restore life, they're genderless of course, they can purify shadows... "It is thought that so long as Celebi appears, a bright and shining future awaits us.""
heartspace IS AN OLD FOREST
egg from the future POSSIBLY BEING THE LOST CHILD??? (xenophon's theoretical sibling) infi SENT their "egg" TO THE FUTURE months ago and they NEVER SHOWED UP. no idea but it's a thought. feels odd.
RESTORING LIFE/PURIFYING SHADOWS IS HUGELY IMPORTANT THOUGH


july 27th.

last night, tuning infinitii into STAINED GLASS in dark holy places, for hir rainbow resonance. TRUE black realms.
euphoric about it, "thank you;" infi had been sticking with sheer black with just pearls as accents, that was problematic because there was NO COLOR.

laurie looking through old images we had saved, got inspiration for HER realm at long last (she's been very troubled for weeks about that; she had no idea where to start, or what it should even look like-- felt this uncertainty was totally unfit for a centralite, let alone one with a job as huge as hers). so she was starting to build it as we spoke.
space skies, carpets of violet flowers, FLOATING LANTERNS!!! it's a big vast gorgeous place, you feel small but safe all at once.
she was so, so happy. it made my heart just glow.

in therapy today (27th),

therapist pointed out our "robotic persona"= tied to how we want to be "treated like an 'object?'" said it was protective? safe "dehumanization," to keep away "unsafe" people-- i.e. the people who would talk to us as a robot/object are safe, those who wouldn't aren't.
this roboticness tied to THIRD PERSON VIEW of self!!

machinelike SURVIVAL INSTINCT? "don’t feel, just do what you need to do."
mentioned how we present EVERYTHING as "data," it's all very logical and precise and precise. no feeling, just facts.
BUT emotions are SOMEWHERE. hence the "background hum of unease" the autopilot keeps mentioning but can't understand.


thoughts later in the evening...

cel= TIME
cz= SPACE
tied into heartspace in that they are BOTH 'demigod' figures for lack of a better term?
both the woods and the ocean open up into other worlds?? specifically headspace???
those two have always had this unignorable, powerful similarity on symbolic levels, from the very start.

 

 

 

 

 

After the huge and frankly legitimate blow to our self-concept the other day, someone apparently shut down these archives. I don't blame them.
I'm bringing them back though. Not only do we need them for therapy, but we may need to access them tonight to assist someone else.
Honestly though, last night I was reading a few Xangas from 2010... God I miss what that felt like, the early days of community, when we talked so mucheven if we weren't as close as we are now. There was more effort inside.
Now so much is outside, there's so much struggle, so much confusion... we don't really have the same amount of massive "free time" (work, school, etc.) to just be inside, to just talk to each other, and be ourself...
Work IS helping though. Waldorf, Kyanos, and Laurie are always there, with Lynne and Spine frequently nearby. Josephina drops in here and there, Leon and Nat showed up today. We've got four hours of talk time every morning now, if there aren't any negative wall fronters out (really more programming than person, Genesis and I noticed today; you cannot talk to them so they aren't people).

The situation with CZ is healing, bit by bit. It's taking patience and lots of love, both of which I infinitely have for him.
The key seems to be staying myself. I have a lot of splinters too, I can slip a lot.
But I'm getting a better grip. Biggest thing is confirmed, I'm not humanoid. I suspected that for a long, long time now, but it's solidified more lately and I can actually get a visual of myself now, despite how naturally I tend to lean towards incorporeality and/or ethereality.
CZ is also trying to "solidify" his base manifestation, which we're finding to be surprisingly difficult because we've also realized that his canon self IS important. Notably, we want his canon self to be up here. That connection was always a very dearly beloved thing to our past Cores, so that's probably why the poor guy couldn't entirely drop it even when he tried.
So we're going to try the whole multiple-verse-self thing that Jewel's a pro at. Links and the like. See if we can manage the splinters better that way. It's all hope and theory right now but the bottom line is, when you get down to the very heart of it he's still as innocent as he's always been. He's still 100% who he's always been, and I can feel that, and my heart always recognizes that, as I've said countless times before.

I've been talking to Infinitii more lately, even if only in little bursts during the day. We didn't talk much for a while and it was starting to eat at me. You know how the whole daemon thing works after all, thanks Philip Pullman.
Still working with all the other Outspacers, too, and their daemons when they show up. Oddly I'm feeling sympathetic resonance lately with OLD Outspacers, aka the ones with no Spectrum roots, probably because those people are moving into Leagueworlds and when they do they automatically become compatible with/ part of heartspace, and can therefore walk into headspace if they wish.
On that note I'm also still working on the "adaptation" of our story for the sake of a webcomic. I do want to present this as such, a sort of "based on a true story" bit that we might just end up living now in heartspace, if we want to. That's a really really exciting and interesting possibility, what with the color realms and the new Spectrum map and the way we're seeing this all fits together... it's really awesome and I do want to talk about that eventually but again, I have to do the hard data work first. I'm the best with concepts, it's all raw color and shape and string and that's what I basically am, haha.

Leagueworld stuff always gets a boost during Spectrum downtime. We got two more shirts finished, huzzah. Starting the next two!

Right now, in the daily life, our biggest concerns are 1) working with the E.D. voices, making them conscious of their choices, questioning programming, solidifying eating memory, etc., 2) working with the "fallen voices," aka the "unconscious hackers" (who are mostly young dissociated girls), questioning their programming and rewriting their entire behavior/thought codes so to speak, 3) getting structure back into the Spectrum, which I was again reminded of when re-reading 2010, because we have so much complexity up here but it's rich and coherent when you really look at it. I haven't been looking at it like I used to. So that's that.

All in all, I can't complain. Life is good, even though it's stressful at times, and we might feel like we're taking five steps back and one step forward. I just... I'm more at peace now? Like I've been confronted with the real possibility of death quite often over the past two months, so I've made my peace with it, legitimately so. It's helped immensely.

I'm going to try and go back through these archives and either weed out or label the major negative entries, aka the ones written by super-damaged alters or by malevolent faceless voices. I don't like them cluttering up these archives; they detract entirely from the spirit of what we're doing here and I'm well aware of the risk they pose to the mental health of our readers, however passively.

We do want to have at least one Xanga session weekly, I know we've been saying that for ages but we've pinpointed the problem down to "we're afraid of having them at home" for some reason? The channel openness somehow is clashing with the vibe of our current room/ workspace/ etc. It feels claustrophobic. So we might just move on the porch. Either way we all know we NEED to start having those sorts of hugeass heavy-topic talks again, slacking off is only harming us.

I had an idea for an alternate coloring of this, sharing it because I like how it looks so far.




Nothing else to say for now. We didn't eat yet today and like I said, we might have our schedule booked for this evening.
I wish you all well, with utmost sincerity.

 

 

 

hey, quick update, no one died today, but we're sick and in pain and not too happy with the decisions made today

but we need to forgive. we need to heal.
tomorrow we are going to make a BIG effort towards that as far as art goes, wish us luck
we do need to sleep first. the body desperately needs to heal.

also it rained today. a lot.
so despite our feeling like an utter filthy wreck that still felt absolving. which helped.
(also it is cold today not hot which is also a massive relief)

there has been a lot of heartwrenching beauty in our collective life lately that i havent written about here yet
i should but words dont do it much justice
and there is still so much confusion and pain-wracked fear tied to it
from these poor damaged ones.
we really need to just take a few days, a few weeks, just sit and talk to them,
why havent we done that yet,
i think maybe we're just as scared as they are of facing that stuff, on some level.
but we need to.


i wanted to delete the previous entry but someone wrote that for a reason, it absolutely breaks my heart to see it, but there it is

healing is still happening, bit by bit
biggest good thing about all this: we aren't numb or unplugged
so even if we're walking through hell again, we're at least doing so together

so that's enough to get us through another night.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 02:07 pm

 

(BRUTAL entry, explicitly triggering, totally uncensored.)

 

here's the thing,
HERE'S THE FCKING THING.

I am going to be brutally bloody honest even if I hate myself for it


I have experienced sexual things
I DO NOT LIKE IT.

and if you have not noticed
EVERY SINGLE TIME IT HAPPENS
I dissociate.
I blank out absolutely.
I have NO MEMORY OF ANY INSTANCE, AT ALL.


there have been orgasms but they are literally shit
no matter what they are absolutely stupid and dull
they hurt unbearably and make the body unbearably sick
and I am saying that as someone who has TRIED.
I HAVE REALLY FCKING TRIED to be "normal" and "holy" with this shit
IT HASN'T WORKED.
AND I AM TERRIFIED THAT MEANS THAT I AM BROKEN ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL
AND THAT IF I AM NOT "FIXED" THEN I AM NOT TRULY COMPLETE OR CORRECT
it is horrible horrible horrible god I want to vomit just thinking about it

AND THAT'S WHERE THE FCKNIG CONFUSION COMES IN!!!!!!!!!!
because I KNOW what i want, I LOVE people, I want to EXPRESS that,
is that selfish? is that abusive?
but this goddamned society and religion tells me "NOPE YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX IT'S MANDATORY IT'S GOD'S WILL!!!!!!!!!!!"
and so I get fcking terrified and attempt it.
honestly. I have attempted it. I have tried to be fixed.
but. every single fcking time. every. single. time.
it fails. IT FAILS. no matter how people try to justify it afterwards. IT DOESN'T WORK.

case in point.
I adore laurie. okay? for years people have been trying to 'have sex' with her. she always, always, always says no. "I can't feel that, I can't do that," etc. she DOESN’T WANT TO.
and that is accepted. that's FINE.
but then we realize "HEY, WE DON'T ACTUALLY WANT SEX EITHER,"
and then it's either dissolving into panicked scared sobs because god how did we almost fck up,
or,
dissociating into programming and thinking we HAVE to have sex because her refusal just lit up an ALTERNATIVE that we REALLY want, which is "love WITHOUT sex,"
but
BUT
we don’t believe that option is morally correct
WHICH IS BULLSHIT
but there it is.

no matter what, this stupid religious compulsion tells me that at some point I HAVE to "have sex"
WHY????
WHAT ABOUT THE CELIBATES
WHAT ABOUT RELIGIOUSLY DEVOTED PEOPLE WHO NEVER HAVE SEX
WHY THE FCK ARE THEY OKAY AND I'M NOT?????????????
WILL YOU SUDDENLY EXEMPT ME IF I START WEARING A ROMAN COLLAR OR WHAT

I don’t fcking know, I don’t KNOW
I am so fcking DEPRESSED over this shit

I DON’T WANT THIS. WE HAVE PROVEN THIS MULTIPLE TIMES, IN MULTIPLE CONTEXTS
I don't want it physically,
I don’t want it emotionally,
I don't want it logically,
I DON'T FCKING WANT IT SO WHY THE HELL AM I STILL TERRIFIED THAT I HAVE TO HAVE IT AND HAVE TO WANT IT EVEN WHEN I KNOW FULL WELL THAT I NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL



we really need to stop forcing ourselves into these roles out of fear or programming.
it's awful and it is perpetuating self-hate and self-abuse and depression and despair.

xenophon needs to be reset. I don’t think she was ever really reset.
she's too tied to trauma and the whole "parent" thing which only happened BECAUSE OF FORCING
we all admit we were confused as hell at that time
but xenophon needs to be freed from that, she doesn’t deserve this hell,
and quite frankly neither do any of the hosts who keep forcing themselves into trauma "for her sake"
that's not how this shit works
that's not what this is about


laurie has sworn that she will defend our asexuality to the death from now on
no exceptions, no being swayed by doubt, no religious paranoia
no. she MUST forbid EVERY ATTEMPT no matter how "holy" we insist it "has to be"
but you see??? it's COMPULSION.
it's FEAR-BASED COMPULSION.



I could only love someone who is a knife. that’s why I adore laurie. she is UNTOUCHABLE.
its why I have problems around chaos. I will admit that. I have A LOT OF TROUBLE being around him lately, like very very very badly, he's too feminine, too emotional.
infi gets there sometimes but then infi also has tons of teeth and sharp-shadow edges. ze's a daemon, ze can be soft as ever but there is always this danger, this knife edge, that makes me feel safe.
genesis is superbright and that counts as an edge sometimes, but it can go too far in the oppposite direction. but he was abused too, he dissociates and gets confused, we have to be careful.
I miss when chaos wasn't split, when perfect was still part of his psyche, back in the early outspacer days.
but I also DON’T miss that because perfect was psychologically blind and didn’t realize how harmful the stuff he did was.
I guess what I'm saying is that water doesn’t have edges and I wish to god that it did without turning to ice.
crystals. god he HAS that gem right in his heart, shouldn’t that be an edge enough?

I am so fckign sick of softness=violence
julie this is your territory
but you're the most damaged of all of us as far as this goes


you know what, you know what,
this fcking programming tells me "IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY,"
well how about this.
how about I test it out INSIDE and NOT DISSOCIATE?
then I will PROVE TO YOU that your way is BULLSHIT and it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

see, the SLIGHTEST attempt is met with REFUSAL, IMMEDIATELY

your shit is SHIT and it only works if you SHUT OFF OUR FCKING BRAIN
you fcking demons
leave us alone

sorry there are obviously multiple people writing this. all true thuogh.


OH! ABOUT THAT.
ALL YOU FCKING ABUSERS. ALL YOU HACKERS. ALL YOU SEXUAL-PROGRAMMING PEOPLE.
WHY DON’T YOU COME OUT AND TYPE HERE, HUH???????
DEFEND YOUR FCKING POSITION????

OH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T
BECAUSE YOURE MADE OF PROGRAMMING AND OBLIGATORY BEHAVIOR
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT BLIND ROBOTIC IMITATION AND COMPULSION
YOU DON'T FCKING EXIST

that's where jay lives, right at the heart of this issue, right where we realize what we DO want and need
the topic we have discussed a thousand times.
love, real love, the kind that's utterly untouched by this sexual shit, he KNOWS what it is, and we have it,
we're just so damn scared that it's "inherently sexual" because it's intimate,
which is the biggest fear.
it's this horrible creeping paranoia that at some point, sex is GOING to happen BECAUSE we're close.
I am so fcking sick of that
I am so sick
that’s why I need edges, that’s why I need blood,
hackers CANNOT WORK when blood is around, blood is SACRED,
here's a message to all fronting people:
if there is a hacker around, if a hacker is trying to hurt you,
don’t even call for laurie, she gets distraught and they will try to hurt her,
call for a RETRIBUTOR.
even better, find a way to cause pain to the body in a way that is SHARP and SAFE
if there is blood, the hackers WILL LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!
and you will be safe
this is why relationships upstairs NEED PAIN
this is why heart connections are SO PAINFUL
because it is SAFE. and it is REAL. and it is GENUINE.
god we KNOW what we want and need and HAVE, why the hell do these outside people keep insisting otherwise



this shit is TERRIFYING.
HOW THE FCK COULD YOU EVER LIE TO YOURSELF ABOUT "WANTING THIS"
WHEN THE SLIGHTEST REMINDER SENDS YOU INTO A PANICKED BREAKDOWN?????
”I can't cry," you say, well then what the fck are you doing now????
YOU ARE IN TEARS FROM HOW FCKING FRIGHTENED YOU ARE RIGHT NOW KID
WHOEVER THE HELL TELLS YOU YOU "WANT THIS" IS A FCKING IMBECILE

stop looking at it. STOP LOOKING AT IT.
TO HELL WITH "EDUCATING YOURSELF" THIS IS ALL FEAR-BASED

you are just desperately trying to find support for YOU being okay.
you are looking through these articles and pages trying to find a chink in the armor, a break in the chain,
trying to find something that will make their entire argument collapse in on itself,
to justify YOUR existence and mean that YOU are not flawed or unholy in being what you are,
but you are so damn scared of being wrong in that,
you are so damn scared of being an 'evil heart' or a 'blasphemer' in so much as suggesting that it's okay to be asexual, to be what you are,
that you are not accepting any arguments in your favor, out of moral paranoia.
and yet you cannot accept any arguments to the contrary either, because you KNOW the fear and pain and disgust and shame and terror that accompanies them, whenever you try to force yourself into them, without fail.
you are running in circles, and your feet are bloodied on the rocks.
get out of their loop, it is only going to kill you.



I am very afraid that introjects in our System are still a real thing.
I don't even like saying they're part of the "System," because they're NOT. we need a better term.
but they exist. and they're awful and toxic.
BUT, it at least allows us to do internal healing work where it would be impossible to outside.
and it helps exaggerate just what terrifies us about those people, so we can evaluate that.
its just so so so sad to see an internal abusive reflection inside, of someone outside, who we experienced as abusive or otherwise traumatically triggering/ aggravating, but who may not have consciously realized that, or who may have been unable to accept that.

but we have introjects of the mother, the grandmother, and the two people from utah.
that is confirmed and I kept wondering why we kept getting sick, nauseous, why we kept getting confused with memories, why we had no idea what was real or not, we didn’t know these people, etc.,
its because the problematic behavior was being perpetuated inside, and we were too scared to face it.
well now we know. and we have to face it.
its terrifying still, but we have to face it
and I KNOW it can be healed. I KNOW that one day, the introjects WILL BE GONE.
but patience is key. we need to be patient. we need to forgive ourselves. this is fragile work. but we can do it.


would you believe we never really recovered from the static incident?
you know. we found something online. from people we knew. and we were in sick shock for WEEKS.
years actually, we're still reeling, still having trouble coping,
why?
"its their decision not yours"
yeah but they HID THAT and did SO MUCH behind our backs,
they never told us they KNEW we were unsafe with that,
but of course that’s WHY they never told you, they KNEW you would not be able to be around them once you knew.
and that’s so sad but that’s how it is.
god but I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to hate anyone.
the hate just comes from fear. fear of violation, of forced infliction. fear of "THEY did that so now YOU have to!!!"
boundary problems. moral paranoia.
god I want to throw up and sob



I am so fcking sorry.
this is all so goddamn confusing

what am I even trying to say.


I just came across a quote.

"I dealt with a significant amount of abuse in my childhood as well and being aware has absolutely been the biggest part of getting past that for me. Being able to read studies in psychology that are relevant to my childhood, it takes a bit to be able to apply any of it to your life. It can be even harder to explore the possibility that many of your character traits come from your experiences with abuse, and difficult sorting out which parts of you are truly YOU and which parts are chemical/emotional responses your body makes FOR you."

that's really important. hormones are shit.
but they can be manipulated, they can be controlled. we just have to do more on our side of the fight.
but it's sad because when they're fcked up, your reactions get fcked up.

"Within minutes of exposure to a traumatic event there is an increase in the level of endorphins in the brain. During the time of the trauma, endorphin levels remain elevated and help numb the emotional and physical pain of the trauma. However, after the trauma is over, endorphin levels gradually decrease and this may lead to a period of endorphin withdrawal that can last from hours to days…"

see what I mean

god I am so nauseous I shouldn’t be typing about this or reading about this
why the hell do I keep reading about this

I'm ashamed. I'm fcking ashamed of the fact that I've endured so much shit, a lot of it by my own confused misinformed doing, because I am absolutely fcking paranoid of "not being good" and yet EVERY DAMN THING they tell me to do to "be good" feels self-destructive
the two main things are,
"don’t eat," and "have sex"
which is fcking horrible
I don’t eat a lot the way it is, now these damn voices are telling me FAST SOME MORE
and I end up purging and sick and dizzy and weak,
then the same fcking voices tell me "sex is the road to true enlightenment!!!!! you need sexual healing!!!!" etc etc etc and I want to STRANGLE SOMEONE because DAMN IT THAT ISN'T WHAT I FCKING NEED

but damn it I know what I need.
beneath all that surface-level shit I KNOW what I really need
and the bottom line is that I need to STOP LISTENING TO THIS OUTSIDE SHIT
BECAUSE I ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT
AND THEIR BABBLING IS JUST CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF ME.


"know thyself" they say, and he said, and I know that's the main thing,
so I really have to stop thinking others know better than I do, as far as internal honesty is concerned.
there's so much out there trying to screw me up. I really need to be careful.

these entries too, are too tangled. I apologize. but they do help find truer things. they are signposts too.
and the frustration over misleading teachings is legitimate and I am thankful for that.
but pride, and this sort of too-white feeling, is just as lethal.
stop typing.

 
 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:02 PM




I'm sorry guys. This is Cannon. There's been another massive existential System shakeup and frankly I'm probably not going to update here for a long while, or at least until this is settled.

There's too much problematic stuff still entrenched in our function, that really needs to go. Problem is, a lot of it we've accepted as "normal" or we've even grown to love. It has to go. No exceptions. No mercy either. Which is probably why I'm back up front.

Laurie says I can't commit suicide, if for no other reason than for her sake. I said then what the heck do I do with this daily life. We don't know. We've gotta try though. I suppose it's all we can do. No giving up, no surrender.

I've been crying for the past hour, somewhere between choking and screaming. My legs are bleeding. I want to sleep forever.

Again, I'm sorry. I know this feels cruel but really we NEED to purge the ranks and fix what's been corrupted, in one way or another. That's why we keep having these System resets, apparently. People are sensing that something is rotten in Denmark so they're just razing the whole place, but then they're rebuilding it the same way. That's not going to work anymore.

I don't know what the hell to do. Not for the most part. This existential mess I'm talking about... well, it's religious. And it's sexual. And it's rather seriously freaking traumatic, at the moment. That should say enough.
I don't know how to cope, personally. Maybe we ALL need to die in order to "cope" with this, I don't even know anymore. I really have no idea what to do. But I just hope it's too soon. I'm going to give it a few days, at least. Hope to God, or whatever God really is, that this somehow ends in a way that won't annihilate us and turn us into our worst fear-- a fear which were now being told is inevitable, and desirable. So it sucks, it really does.

I'm tired. I'm very tired, and now I'm so damn shook up that I don't even want to die because now I don't know what the hell is waiting for me after that. I'm afraid it's hell forever now. And the worst part is that it can easily NOT be hell, if I just "stop resisting" and "learn to like it."
Basically, there's no place for asexuals in heaven.

I really hope that's not true. I really hope it's not true. But right now I actually want to just sob because life feels utterly devoid of hope right now, I've lost all direction in life, what the hell do I do, where the hell do I go, I have no idea.

Maybe I'll end up dead, who knows. Right now the System says I need to be the main person because I'm "protecting" us from this existential dread. I'm a fighter who won't give in to that. But... the fear is that we have to. The fear is that we cannot be what we desperately want to be, because it really is morally wrong, so to speak.
God I don't even know. I'm sorry.

Bottom line is, we're trying to restructure headspace from the bottom up. We have a lot of questions that need to be answered, and a lot of anger over things that have been allowed to continue over the years and should NOT have been allowed to continue.
Things will not, or at least SHOULD NEVER be the way they were before this entry. A lot NEEDS to change.
A few people aren't going to be coming back, no matter how difficult that may be. They can't. It's toxic. If they want to come back, they have to come back differently. Simple as that.

Good night. My neck hurts from the knives and I'm just exhausted.

 

 

 

 

 

instigate

She was an instigator, she always had been. Dropping matches into teapots. Leaving spice jars untapped. Searing bright promises across plaster walls. She sang like a kettledrum with sequins in it.
Every step she took brought flowers. Every name she touched burst into light. Every day she walked into was enraptured, left topsy-turvy and jubilant.
Her eyes could instigate a revolution of the heart. Her name could change your life.

----------------------------------------------

approached

She had woken up without her plush rabbit, and rubbing her eyes, was surprised to find him missing from both her bed and bedroom. With a small, exhausted stretch, she stumbled out into the hallway, tiny fists scrubbing at the corners of her eyes, ears ringing dimly in the unnatural silence. Peeking into her parents room, she whispered for a reply, but received only a snore. Tired and a little miserable, she shut the door and padded further down the hall.
Then, turning the corner to the living room, she saw him.
Moonlight was streaming in through the curtains, painting the familiar room in hues of alien silver, washing everything in secrecy. And there was her rabbit, sitting on the couch, his little black eyes brighter than any buttons had the right to be.
She stood still for a moment, holding her breath, as her toy glittered in the dark. Was she dreaming? Was she awake?
Lifting a tiny paw, her rabbit waved.
And smiling, blissfully ignorant of time, the girl approached.

----------------------------------------------

crook

In the crook of his arm the shepherd held it, like a glossy sort of egg, like a too-large marble, a globe unhinged and placed there as gently as a child. It hummed like a midnight tune as he rocked it softly. His eyes glowed as green as its lush surface, as blue-swift as its rivers and oceans. It was his world, his darling blessed world, his beloved sphere.

----------------------------------------------

unfolding

Like a flower, like a book, like a great ream of silk, it opened-- it rolled, like a wave of sea water. He felt it collapsing within his ribs; opening, closing, opening again... a great roiling truth that had been loosed, never again to be overlooked or forgotten.
The future had been unhooked. The possibility of tomorrows had been promised, all at once, in a rush like something gold and rich and sharply cold. Life was unfolding, unfolding, like a toy in a child's hands, like a heart coiled up into itself, like a butterfly burst forth from the womb of death.
There was a glow on the horizon, a great crescendo of jubilant roses, and it would never fall again.

----------------------------------------------

tame

What does it truly mean, to “tame” a beast, she thought? What does one expect of such a creature? Surely the wildness in their heart has not abated. The creature sleeping and sighing under her hand was no less fierce than he had been before they had met, a terribly passionate thing running unfettered through the leagues of green around her home. Yet now he was content to lie on the floors of the same castle he once spat upon, suddenly shockingly gentle as he snored.
The princess smiled, softly, tenderly. Perhaps that was what it truly meant, to “tame” a beast. Perhaps it simply meant that here, with her, he felt no desire to bare his fangs. Here, there was no war, no danger. With her, he could afford to be tame… and so could she.

----------------------------------------------

stolen

“You’ve stolen my heart” was the sole speechless thought on the mans mind as he fell shakily to his knees, woozy with euphoric shock, hands clutching his sodden red shirt with all the ardor of a bridegroom. You actually stole it! How–?
But the creature before him– and what better word was there for you than creature, beloved created thing, breath of God wrapped in bones– was silent. Blood was murmuring in rivers down its velvet arms, black as night, black as the centers of his eyes. Black as love. God, what–
He watched and breathed as the being moved, blinked, lazily shifted its cradled arms and the man gasped as raw flesh met new starlight. There’s something that should be inside of me touching something that should be outside of everything, his mind flickered like confetti under a stage light. God. If he ever got it back he knew he’d never be the same, he’d have the fingerprints of angels under his ribs, butterfly-dust of galaxies in his veins, a rush of wingbeats in his ears–
You stole it, he laughed again, then sobbed. Did not. I gave it to you. Everything. How could I not?
The beloved thief sighed in its sanguine rapture. The man felt every atom of it.

----------------------------------------------

flour

She had heard of leaving a trail of breadcrumbs, sure, but this was something else– a line of floury white footprints leading from her kitchen’s back door into the deep woods.
The girl stooped down to look closely at them, puzzled. They weren’t even shoe marks, but impressions of bare feet, and they were surprisingly solid, as if every step had been freshly powdered. Even curiouser, there were tiny brown speckles dusted through every mark. Hesitantly, she dabbed a fingertip to one and tasted it. Her eyebrows arched as she identified not just the obvious flour but also cinnamon, nutmeg, and– was that a hint of clove? Had to be. She’d recognize that flavor anywhere.
The girl stood back up, furrowing her brow and humming a low note of consideration. This is the sort of thing they write fairy tales about, she mused. I’d best be careful…

----------------------------------------------

derived

The syringe glittered like a prism in the sunlight, strangely glossy and luminous, unlike anything he’d ever seen before.
“What’s that you got there,” a young scruffy man with a shaky voice inquired from where he sat, fingers tapping, on the side of a patient bed, as the doctor lifted the needle to squint at it in concentration.
“Very potent healing serum,” he replied matter-of-factly, pushing the plunger until the strange liquid dripped from the needle like dew, “very exclusive, very rare. We derive it from unicorn tears. So as you can imagine, it’s–”
“Oh please!” The patient scoffed, with a laugh that was half jeering, half hysteric. “You can tell me what it is, doc. I’m not a kid you’ve gotta make up stories for. I can handle the truth.” Yet he swallowed hard even as he said it.
“I just did,” the doctor responded with unusual gravity, and the man’s insides shook. “Better learn to handle it better, I might suggest, or it’s going to be much more difficult for you to adjust to your sudden transition.” He lifted the needle like a single horn. “I understand the shock, but keep this in mind… some worlds are more magical than others, and this is one of them.”
He smiled, showing a mouth full of teeth no human had any right to have.
“Now hold out your arm. This might tingle a little.”

----------------------------------------------

canned

"Dude, your family's got the weirdest shit in the kitchen," Deon commented over the television's background chatter. "Never even heard of half that stuff. Can't even tell what half of it even is. Glad I don't live here, man, imagine my looking for lunch in THAT Pandora's Box of a pantry." He good-naturedly elbowed Santiago in the ribs. "I'd probably end up opening a literal can of worms, am I right?"
"That or a can of wormholes," Santiago mumbled from where he was sprawled across the motheaten couch, eyes locked on the TV as he rubbed his side absentmindedly. "We've got enough of those too."
Deon let out a huff of laughter. "Psh, yeah, that would be a nightmare! Imagine: You get the munchies and end up halfway across the galaxy."
Santiago glared up at him through a curtain of rusty dreads. "It's no laughing matter, bro."
"Dude. Chill," the bro in question reassured him. "They don't even make canned wormholes, except maybe in bad sci-fi films. You're not gonna end up stranded on Alpha Centauri for misreading a label. That's literally impossible."
"Is not."
"Is too, dude, we ain't on Star Trek if you haven't noticed."
Santiago glared at his friend momentarily, then shoved himself onto his bare feet and purposefully walked over to the small kitchen.
Deon raised his eyebrows at that unusual response, quickly punching the "mute" button before shifting up onto one leg to peer halfway over the back of the couch. Santiago was sifting angrily through an upper cupboard, its contents clattering loudly.
The boy on the couch winced. "Hey man, I didn't mean no offense," he began, as Santiago suddenly stopped digging and began walking back with something clutched in one sleeve-hidden hand. "If your family's got canned space or some shit I'm not gonna question it, hell with that kitchen I wouldn't even be surprised--"
"Here. Look."
"This better not be some shitty joke, San, there's enough of those on these sitcoms--"
"LOOK."
"Sheesh, dude, I'm looking." Deon muttered, inspecting the item being presented two inches from his face. An oddly dark cylinder was gripped tightly in one of his friend's reddened hands, the other posed with its fingers locked onto the pull-tab top.
"Can’t see much through your hands, man," Deon began, tilting his head in a futile effort to read whatever was written beneath them, but his train of thought was cut short as Santiago yanked upwards on the tab.
There was a sudden whoosh like an airlock being opened too fast, and then total silence as Deon peered into 19 oz of infinity.
"…The hell am I looking at."
"A wormhole."
Deon shook his head. "No way, dude."
"Yes way," was the simple reply, as his unsettlingly unperturbed friend turned back around. "I thought you said you wouldn't be surprised?"
"I know what I said, I--" But Deon was still spluttering. "Just-- an /actual/ wormhole? In your kitchen? In a CAN?"
"Hey, you're the one who said my family's got weird shit, dude," Santiago smirked, as he placed it in the refrigerator.

----------------------------------------------

honorable

“Sacrificing your own honor in order to honor another,” she growled, “means there’s no longer any ‘honor’ in the equation at all. Do you realize that?”
The boy in the chair was silent, his body crumpled in on itself like a rejected script.

----------------------------------------------

stem

The flowers were made of glass. Stretching on for what seemed like miles in the sunlight, they carpeted the world with a glittering delicacy, catching the glow and holding it within their translucent hearts as if it had been born there. There were thousands– a sea of jubilant fragility.
Moved to silence, the traveler knelt to inspect a single rose more closely, awestruck by the hues. The perfectly-formed leaves were a luminous green; the petals were richly red, glossy and deep. Other flowers shone just as gloriously all around him– here, a blue to rival the sky; here, a yellow as vivid as joy… here, a triumphant violet, a stunning pink, a white as glossy as the moon on water.
He gently brushed his calloused brown fingers along an emerald stem, smooth as an ocean stone, and a tender smile crinkled his face. What wonders. What a beautiful place.

----------------------------------------------

psycho

“I don’t really mind when they call us a psycho,” the white-haired boy murmured in the dark, to violet eyes across the room. “You know why?”
“I’ve got a feeling, kid,” the bandaged warrior replied. “Fill me in.”
He smiled, brightly but vaguely, gaze still unfocused somewhere above his knees. “It’s the word root,” his voice glowed. “Greek. ‘Psykhe.’ It means soul. I know that’s not what they’re getting at, there’s a lot of mutation in the word history, but…”
The boy looked up then, visage bright as sunlight scattered across the ocean. “I like it. It’s all about the spirit, the mind, both. Deep down stuff. The real stuff, that burns down in your bones like harp strings. Everything that turns the dark night of the soul into the lightshow of the century. Things like…” he paused, softly. “…Like you.”
The violet one smiled at that, a genuine spontaneous thing, her eyes like neon turned down low.
“Kind of makes the bad days worth it, huh?” she mused.
The boy laughed at that, just as suddenly, just as sincerely.
“Kind of?” His voice was a cathedral bell. “Laurie. With you, there are no bad days.”
She grinned at that, widely. “Psycho.”
“That’s the point!”

----------------------------------------------

might

A soldier clad in gold stood alone, his people huddled in hope and fear behind him, facing the hordes of ghastly invaders now gathered at their city’s doorstep.
He was not afraid. There was a might within him that was greater than any force, any show of vicious strength, any martial grandeur they could throw at him.

----------------------------------------------

derailed

A heavyset man in a crisp white suit sat and watched the skytrains rumble outside his office. His desk was positioned directly opposite a grand floor-to-ceiling bank of windows, giving him a perfect view of the metropolitan docking stations, of their elegantly spiraling silver “rails” flowing out into the sky, and most of all, of the trains themselves– strange fluid engines that appeared more molten than machine, technology that blurred the line between automated and alive.
He was pondering this when the room intercom light blinked on, washing the white decor with a deep blue glow, and a splash of hasty clattering static from the speakers.
“Sir,” a voice immediately sputtered into the air, just as shaky as it was awestruck, “–Train #0076 has derailed.”
At this the suited man sat up straight, his eyes widening. “Derailed?” he repeated simply, as if he was convincing himself it was true. He was used to surprise news, but this…
“Yessir,” came the jittery reply.
He let himself sink back into his chair, unsure whether to worry or wonder, especially since the latter was already flooding him. A skytrain derailing was no ordinary situation, nor was it an accident. It was, instead, a rare and incredible incident when a particular train disengaged itself from its winding rail… and began to float along its own invisible path, entirely unprogrammed. To see one derailing a year was incredibly lucky, but the event was so unique– and so important to those who studied such inexplicable technological behavior– that it was constantly whispered about by those inside the industry, and the possibility never left anyone’s head entirely.
To think, that it was happening right now–
“I’ll be right there,” he spoke, and turned off the intercom channel, the only blue left in the room caught in his eyes. They turned to face the windows once more, and then he jumped up from his chair without a second glance, and rushed out the door.

----------------------------------------------

fortress

Her heart was a fortress, a battlement of cathedral spires, soaring spiked and indomitable into the violet skies of her life, spearing every rebel angel that dared approach.
Her fists were cornerstones. Her voice was a thousand calls to war, a thousand shouts of victory.

----------------------------------------------

blaming

Sickness, misfortune, disaster… when something went terribly awry, something far beyond the control of any mortal, every finger in town still pointed towards one shadowy figure. Every voice spoke in hushed tones of fault and power and fear, but it was all tempered by a strange relief, a sort of subdued reassurance in the very act of blaming. It was less frightening for them to assign responsibility to something solid, someone on whom justice could be brought, rather than to accept that some things simply happen. A storm can be crueler than any man and yet you cannot hold it morally responsible. To make a man a storm… he may become a god in the public eye, but even gods can fall. And so every crisis was another black mark against the bogeyman they had created, a soul imagined to hold all sourceless sins, a nebulous being damned to eternal offense. The people were placated by their attributions, but they had no sense of their own responsibility… for myths and legends eventually gain strange lives of their own, and what then, if their child of guilt were to gain awareness of the injustice against it? What then, if their scapegoat proclaimed itself a lamb? Could the people learn to see a different hand dealing, a different hand dealt?

JANUARY

 

Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University.

This reminds us of our internal data archives (the ones that Sherlock manages), for some reason?
It's not a total environment match-- the biggest irony is that our archives seem oddly 'digital' or even 'magical;' there are no books-- but the color, height, and atmosphere of this photo feels SO much like it, that I had to reblog it.

 

This, everything about this is me, this is the scenery of my heart captured in photographs.
The vast and empty roads, the all-embracing hugeness of the world... I've said it before, but these are my dreamscapes, exactly so.
Waterfalls, keepers of secrets and fountains of life.
The wild and lonely oceans, which I love.
The snow, blank white promise, from horizon to horizon...
And the verdant joyous green hills, beckoning adventure.

I love this photoset. I really do.

 

Credit to the amazing kichaa/notmusa.
Honestly, as strange as it may be, this is exactly what it's like when I slip back into fronting after one of our self-destructive alters has been out.
_{plus panel 3 really captures the exact moment of "dude who was doing that"}

 

 

These feel so much like headspace... it hits hard.

#1 reminds me strongly of a bridge I saw Lynne and Spine on a few weeks ago, in an autumn wind. I don't know where it was.
#2 is almost identical to the Underground pathways.
#3 isn't exact, but the mossy walls by the river, and the trees above, is very strong internal imagery nevertheless.
#4, more Underground tunnels. It's actually really pretty down there.
#5. Central City's streets are lined with trees like this... and Laurie has a thing for cherry blossoms.
#6. I adore circular ceiling windows like this. I had one in my room.
#7 & #8 don't match anything inside, but the feeling of vastness and silence they radiate is very close to my heart, for lack of a better term. Our internal world is huge and quiet and spacious... my dreams are too.
I think these are from Cambridge. Either way, they are beautiful.

 

 

 
This reminds me of our Marigold, actually. She's about 7 too, but she's always looked rather dirtied and roughed-up like this. The outfit doesn't match, but that hair is perfect.
I also like that this girl is out looking at the grass like that, for a different reason. Marigold has rarely ever been outside (she lived almost entirely in the Underground prior to January), so she'd probably be a bit hesitant but fascinated by nature if she were to be so immersed in it.

 

Okay, we've had an awful night, and seeing this on our dash immediately after was too significant to ignore.
Our situation's a bit different, but this is more for personal records and reflection than anything.

1. One of our oldest and biggest safety measures during the "Julie days" was to turn on the lights. If there were a lot of lights on, there was nowhere for us to get trapped, or hidden, in the dark where they could get us. So for us this was different; the lights revealed the monsters, but they were loathe to attack us in brightness. And when we could see them, we could get away.
2. This is why we have so many protectors and retributors. That's essentially their mission statement, in different words.
3. We've never done this, but the "water" bit is significant in a sad way. One of our outspacers-- Chaos 0-- is basically a liquid being, but he's one of the biggest targets for malicious forces in here. Maybe that's why.
4. This is VERY true. It's why Minty is working with the bear army actually. For whatever reason, plush toys ARE amazing protectors, to the point where hackers will actually go to significant lengths to get rid of them when they find them... or, to corrupt them. We've had to actually destroy a few old plushes because they became Tar anchors, and therefore lethal.
5. This was not vividly significant until tonight. We had a GREEN alter come out, brandishing blades, and shout to the shadows, "I'll fight you!" And she was not afraid at all, jumping at all these dark dangers with the unflinching intent to protect everyone else from them.
However, as far as Green goes, that is probably the most closed-out color in the Spectrum-- no one even held the core slot until 2011!
I'd vouch that our demons are more afraid of the color violet, though.

 

 

In the old headspace, I had a huge window like this above my bed (yes really). I'm rather enamored by circular ceiling windows... and the way the building itself is wrapped around it.
I tend to dream about spirals and rings a lot, if that makes sense? At least in terms of memorably architecture. There's always staircases, and tiered walls, and huge open lobbies, and balconies in loops. It's gorgeous really.

Either way it was nice, being able to look up at night and see the stars high up above, and the sunlight in the morning.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


FEBRUARY
 

 

I need snow tonight.
I'm feeling shaken up and old pains are making my soul seem painted black, tarry and stained, wrong. But this strange and fragile powdery whiteness just washes it off, all of it away, in an instant.
Something about snow... it's absolving, exonerating. It's unconditionally forgiving. It covers everything, everything in quietly cold crystal, sweet and soft, light and beautifully serene. It's magic. It's beautiful. And it makes me laugh, joyfully and without cause, like a child, no matter how lost I felt the moment before.
I love the snow.

_{I can't wait for tomorrow. We're totally going to get buried in it.♥}

 

More snapshots of what the world inside my heart feels like.
Amusingly, only the bottom two pictures (original post) don't quite match-- there's almost no yellow in my landscapes, or dry grasslands. For me there's just fog-kissed oceans, and mountain crags dripping with snowy pines, and the smell of ice and hope and tiny spring flowers. And then there are the massive beautiful cities, as clear and bright as the frost that paints them, where everything always feels like Christmas.
And I'm always wandering, always running about wild and free, giggling and feeling the wind swirling about my arms. Always smiling and practically bursting with a bright childlike love for this endless place, this reflection of me.
But you'll notice, I'm virtually always alone too. And I'm happy like that. There are plenty of places where I can gather with other souls, where there's camaraderie instead of solitude, and maybe we'll talk about what our inner worlds look like but we all know that those places are beautifully, perpetually private. We all know that they bloom the strongest and shine the most vividly with self-love-- something no visitor, however beloved, can ever bestow.
So I run around alone, and I love it all.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 MARCH




We decorated the streets of Central City with luminescent trees like this, a while back. Some had actual lights strung about them, and some of them just glowed on their own.
These are exactly the sort of color Waldorf would love, though, so this reblog is for her!

 

 

I really miss this boy right about now.

It's weird, how you can never really forget the people who impacted your life in some luminous way, no matter how small it may have been at the time… candles or bonfires, lamps or searchlights, they all tend to glow forever in your heart.

Ryou here… or Rio, as we call him in headspace… well, he turned out to be a bit of a supernova in his own right. When he appeared in my life 12 years ago I may not have realized just what he was the herald of, but now? Now it's brilliantly staggering, really. And I'm deeply grateful for it.

Sorry I haven't said hello to you in a while, bro. I still treasure your existence up here, mark my words.

 

 

Emmett is this you

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
APRIL

 

This was supposed to be a practice sketch but I got carried away. I love coloring this guy.

I'm trying to find a happy medium between "his canon look" and "how I've seen him in my head since 2003," but I think this works well enough for the time being.
I'll keep experimenting though; heaven knows I will never get tired of drawing him.

 

This is Josephina, one of my fellows from the BLC System.
He holds the Yellow slot in Central, so he's pretty important-- and he's probably our prettiest member too, haha.

 

 

So… this is what happens when I’m up until stupid-o’-clock in the morning.

In all honesty, we really do need to talk together like this again soon.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
MAY




*blows kisses to everyone online*

Today has been ridiculously nice and I'm really happy right now, so I'm sharing it. Have some sparkles!

♥♥♥!


_{#today really was lovely though #you guys even get sandman glitter look at that}

 

Wandering around-- whether it be through towns, or cities, or forests, or fields-- is probably my favorite thing to do in the world.
That sense of freedom and peace, that feeling of having absolutely no limits and yet of being totally in tune with the world around you, is incomparable.
It breaks my heart how my local forests are being industrialized so terribly. I remember how huge they were as a child.
I want to treasure everything beautiful around me, every moment. I'm going to start wandering again, both externally and internally.

 

Momentarily feeling disheartened, "how am I going to deal with therapy tomorrow," realizing I've not been taking good care of myself lately... then I log in, and this is the first thing on my dashboard.
I don't know, it just... works. That rainbow, the geometric shape, the lovely light of it all... it made me smile, like the universe just reminded me, "you're gonna be okay, kid." But there's a solid courage in there too. You'll be okay, sure, but don't give up. Don't get lost. Keep going.

I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. I don't know what will happen. I'll just do my best with it when it arrives.
As of right now I want to tune into some joy, I want to break down my own walls, I want to feel like I'm a living breathing person. I'm just not sure how.
...aaand the universe just tossed the perfect music synchronicity at me in response to that, now I'm really smiling.
Good night everyone. We'll be okay.

 

This looks surprisingly similar to the room we've all been gathering in for therapy sessions-- especially the couches in front of the big windows, and the overlook hallway from the stairs. We need spacious, optimistic rooms for therapy meetings because we might have 20 people gathered there at once, many of whom are likely agitated.

I'm not sure where this place is, exactly. It used to be one of the extensions from Central, but after December it might even be in floating space for all I know. Nevertheless it's nice.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  

JUNE




This feels so much like the deep areas of head/heartspace, where the positive monochrome energy flows about.
I've only seen this sort of firework once in the waking world, but the image of that gorgeous golden curtain slowly floating down above me was forever impressed upon my mind.
It also... reminds me of Genesis. We have this thing where, every year on his birthday-- July 4th-- he and I go out on the back lawn together, and stand at the edge of the hill, and just watch the fireworks together. It's... it means the world to me. I love him so much, I really do. He's given me some truly beautiful memories. So... really, I have to thank him for this one, too.

 

 

Her, 2013 (dir. Spike Jonze)


I love this, love this, love this.

The compositions here, the colors, the landscapes... this is imagery all but stolen from my nightly dreams. Just silent open spaces and bittersweet solitude.
I really cannot put into words how inspiring this is to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
JULY

 

There's a place in my dreams that I've only ever seen once, and I adore it more than any other dreamscape I've seen.
I was there in 2003. I went there with Waldorf, Maitru, and Ryman-- the latter being the only reason we found the place.
It was a small, hidden place, just a path of bright green grass lined with trees like this, perfectly lined up on each side. But in our dream, the sky was soaring blue with spires and temples of cloud, and the green hues all around us were as vivid as gemstones.
The path, though, was even more incredible. It stretched on for about a hundred meters, and then it cut off sharply-- falling away into nothing. Truly, the path ended in a sheer cliff, and standing at the edge one could see what felt like the entire world stretched out before and below them.

But the most incredible part were the stars.
Perhaps that's not entirely accurate. They were actually crystals, floating in the air, all around our heads, but just out of reach. They were about 7cm across, and they were all shaped like crescent moons and 5-pointed stars and suns. All were intricately carved, faceted so that they caught the sunlight and scattered it in rainbows, and there were hundreds of them. They hovered effortlessly above that path alone, stretching up into the sky, seemingly limitless.

I stood there with Ryman and we laughed from the sheer joy of it. We were two 13-year-old kids completely enamored with the moment, knowing it was a dream but forgetting we were asleep, and wishing we could stay there forever.

I woke up and I can't remember having been able to visit that place since.

Sure, I've come close. I know the exact paths to take to get there. Problem is, the dreamscape itself has to line up correctly in order for those paths to even open, and with how realms shift in my dreams it is very rare for all the pieces to fit together. But I never stop hoping. I treasure all my dreams regardless of where I go, and one day I know I'll find this blessed little space again, and it will be like seeing it for the first time.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
AUGUST

 

I have had this exact sort of conversation with my therapist before!

I tend to feel colors/ sounds/ shapes/ textures instead of "emotions," at least as far as I understand them. I struggle to identify feelings like anger/ sadness/ excitement/ etc. because I only understand those terms as labels, plus I do not know how others experience them. When I feel something, it's abstract all the way, and often I have no idea how to label it-- or even express it physically  (that's arguably one of my biggest roadblocks in therapy).
It's utterly fascinating, sure, but it can be terribly frustrating as well, especially when trying to communicate or empathize in those respects.

 

I have to laugh-- in headspace, people put music on and then turn to me to see how I "manifest it," since my mind translates it into feeling-images. So I'll turn the entire room into a swirling, glowing, moving rhapsody of color and shapes, shifting with every note, all but melting into the sound as I do so. It's really fun! I'm trying to teach other people in the System to do it in their own ways.

 

It struck me, recently, just how many of our Leagueworlds have this concept at their core-- the simple quiet truth that every soul consists of stars. Every being is a galaxy in itself.
Feeling like this... I miss it. But one can never tune into it halfheartedly, or from such a feeling of false lack. The honest recognition of this ethereal phenomenon, the participation in it within oneself, demands the utmost reverence, vulnerability, and joy.
But it's never gone. It's never lost. It's in my blood, and behind my eyelids, in every waking and dreaming moment. And that alone is an undying hope.

 

This is too relevant tonight.

Isn't it funny how, when I feel the bleakest and I need this the most, my mind thinks it's too good to be true?
And yet, sooner or later, I find myself at the shoreline, and no matter how battered and ashamed I may feel, the ocean is still there.

It is that sort of silent constancy that keeps me going... just the infinitely unconditional love of the universe, whether through a person or a thing or a concept. Not once has it ever failed me.

So, this is where the incredulously grateful grief shatters my heart,
and I try again.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEPTEMBER




Looking at this, it gives me the feeling of reaching into that solid darkness, and catching colored light from it... like there was a hidden spectral glow within that assumed void. I like that idea a lot.

 

 

Forgot to post this.
I was scrolling through someone's archives yesterday when this post jumped out at me (obviously).
It was notable, though, not just because of my name, but because it was true. I was in a rather depressed state at the time, and any metaphorical flashlights that may have helped shine through it were misplaced or forgotten.
So this little orange card inspired me enough to pick one up, so to speak. It helped!

I miss having little things like this happen. It's nice to see them again.

 

Can I just say that this is terribly relevant lately?
Infi holds me just like that when we talk... and ze has this terribly deep knowledge of the darkest parts of me/us, yet ze is so kind-- always-- to me and everyone else.
If ze can love me so unconditionally, when ze feels exactly what I do on my bleakest and bloodiest days... then I can show the same love and kindness to myself, because I would never ever withhold it from hir.

So this is extremely important to me tonight.

 

 

This reminds me so much of when we were in SLC... some evenings, Genesis or Chaos & I would walk up to the top of the hill our apartment was, so we could watch the cherry-red sun sink down behind the carved-out mountains. It was exactly this color.
It's a little closer to sunrise right now, but this is lovely still. Have a good night.

_{#cz told me to reblog this #so here you go}

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


OCTOBER

 

The sudden, clear presence of time and death makes our awareness of life all the more precious.
It's always struck me as odd, how we can dedicate a certain place to a certain celebration, and yet the very repetition of that role can dull its significance to so many. But then there are other places, who see no such official proclamation of the same purpose, and yet which carry thousands of glittering moments within their humble walls.
Airports, places of travel and transition, places of goodbyes and hellos, are sacred in their own way, for how they frame and crown those great personal shifts and reliefs. And hospitals, places of healing and hurt, of fear and hope, labyrinthine and brilliant and cold.... they are holy too, for the paradoxes cradled within their walls, for the births and bones and blood alike.
I see both places as spontaneous yet continual monuments to those tiny, powerful events that can turn a life on a dime. In those moments, I think we can glimpse not only how beautifully brief our existence here is, but also how vast the universe is all around us nevertheless. We find ourselves suddenly suspended between humanity and eternity, for better or for worse, and that vastness bursts from us in tears, in laughter, in prayers, in love.
It's hard to put such a feeling into words, but it's one of my favorite things really.

I love both airports and hospitals for this very reason. They feel terrifying and comforting at the same time, to me, and that sort of dichotomy is what I  live to embrace.

 

 

 
This is kind of what it feels like when Infinitii calls me.

I'll hear hir voice, and suddenly I find myself in this barely-glowing space-- vast unknowable acres of shadow all around me, holding silence as thick as the scent of jasmine. It's a place of total enigma.
And then there's the fog. Although ethereally inviting, all white and soft and cold, it's secretly terrifying. Like standing at the edge of a cliff, fear tugs at my heart as sharply as a knife edge, contrasting almost impossibly with the childlike bliss that is welling up all around it. The fog in that meadow, it is neither dream nor nightmare. I can't see two steps in front of me there. It threatens to freeze my very bones. But... it's so beautiful to be lost in that cloud, wandering through it with no sense of direction or destination... it's oddly divine, to lose all sense of time and space and self there. And yet that alone can be lethal.
That's what it's like to be with Infi, to talk to hir at all, to be close to hir at all. It's unbearably lovely, as fragile as a bubble, but surrounded by hidden needles. It's the borderline between the allure of the quiet forest, and the danger that lurks there when shadows fall. It's blood and teeth, flowers and rain, dawn and dusk... still, you cannot resist its beckoning. It sings a siren song in a language I cannot translate, because words cannot hold it.
Sorry for rambling. Headspace has just felt like this more often than normal lately.

 

 

Dude someone actually has a photo of this place I am so happy.

This place was my life as a kid. It was a little ways across the street from where we used to take violin lessons, and we'd go there once a week or so to get coffee for our elderly instructor. Rain or shine, snow or storm, it was the highlight of my week, and after gleefully running through the bushes to reach it I'd make every excuse to stay in there as long as possible.
Now that I think about it, those times were my first taste of independence too. We had rather controlling parents, so these little excursions to the cafe-- alone, money in hand, free to just be without parental pressure to perform-- were bliss.
But the inside of the place, it just stuck in my head like heaven. I still visit it in my dreams sometimes. Echoes of it are written into my creative work. The smell of the coffee, the warm colors of the wood, the newspaper-glossed tables, the magnetic poetry, the lollipops, the muffins, the books... I had never seen such a place before, back when I first knew it, and so the magnificence of it had quite the impact.

It closed almost 6 years ago and you'd never know it was there once, now. But I'll always hold it in my heart.

  

 

Sunrise in Foreste Casentinesi, Monte Falterona, Campigna National Park - Italy by Roberto Melotti

...Chaos said I was like a “sunrise in the snow,” once.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. It gives me more hope than I can say.

 

Airplanes, for me, carry this feeling of being perfectly at home, and yet completely away from 'home.' They are returning and leaving all at once and I love it.
They feel like limitless possibility-- that exciting, frightening, humbling knowledge that you have no roots in the air and yet, you can put new ones down anywhere, now.
They are a commitment to the unknown, in my book, in my experience. I miss them, but they are not to be trifled with. To ride one you must become displaced from wherever you were before. My mind thinks in absolutes, when traveling. When I'm on the road, or in the air, that is all that exists.
One day I'll experience this picture again and I will treasure it as much as I always have. Until then I'll walk the earth just as happily.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------


NOVEMBER

 

 

 

ocenotarchive: im not sure how to feel about these arms of mine

I do have “ghost arms’ like this that I use every once in a while. Now you know.

 

 

 

I don't hear the cruel voices on my good days (at least, not typically). On bad days though, when I'm stuck on their level, they are deafening.
So there is a profound relief and comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this head when the voices start. Laurie's around. So is Genesis. So is Infinitii. That's three of, what, 70? I'm literally never alone. It's never more of a blessing than it is on those bad days, really... ironically, perhaps.
But I want to mention that I now have people downstairs, people online and even a few locally, that are willing to echo this same sentiment. That's incredible. And I just want to reiterate, thank you, with total sincerity. There's a lot of hope here, that I will keep in my heart.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DECEMBER

 

 

artbyjeffreymeyer: Jeffrey Meyer, Yuck (2013), paper collage, 5 x 7 inches | website.

This is the perfect portrayal of creative force, for me. It's this exquisite, priceless, gem-studded concept, and yet at its heart it will always be this raw, visceral, bloody thing. The idea of life being born anew is always magnificent, but everyone comes into this world covered in red. The two aspects are inseparable, and uniquely captivating just as such, just like this.

_{#the juxtaposition of organic and refined substances is both unnerving and intriguing to me #i really should play with that idea more}