the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

tried to kill myself just now.
laurie kept screaming at me to stop. actually held me backa few times

still managed to cut up my wrist quikly thoigh
not much ebcause she wouldnst stop screaming at me and

I want to die.
I am a disgrace iam a humiliating faulutre
I all al I do is fuck up

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:59 PM

 

yesterday.

eros is FINALLY back.
hanging out in only cerise room so far (main area inspired by the golden cat in dishonored)
he's tuned back into his initial anchor from 2011
safe, non-sexual, lustless "eroticism" if you can call it that

wrapping himself around cars
similar to jay, different feeling? more "personally intimate."
eros is "embracing," jay is "enveloping"
us all realizing eros is kind of a key to healing those damaged ones who can't fathom non-sexual closeness
because eros is that incarnate, and he's got a surprisingly "opening" vibe like infi, he feels safe around

wondering who could interact with eros on this level, for the sake of companionship? for him really.
waldorf stopped in momentarily, still "not up to" playfulness though, not really negative?
just not everyone is as totally open and affectionate as eros is
which isnt bad, just different, as long as there are no "emotional barriers/walls" up
eros respects boundaries totally though, thank god, he doesn't push anything, always respects a "no"
whereas hackers DONT. neither do some people outside that we know.
so this eros is NOT infected or corrupted, thank god yet again, hopefully he stays safe this time

eros said the cerise realms are "closer," not wide open space like jay likes
little close spaces, kind of "layered" spaces, like fabric folds-- no boundaries, but many levels?
eros emphasized that there are NO DOORS in the cerise realms; everything is open, always.
significant because hacks always happen behind closed doors, or in isolated spaces,
there is NONE of that in eros' realm which automatically gives a feeling of relief and safety

sherlock stopped in when no one else could decide if they should
surprisingly he and eros get along pretty well as sherlock is very stable, baseline, not bothered by or opposed to eros's behavior, they balance out
eros wondering good-naturedly at how sherlock is "unfazed" by everything, not numbly though, just observing it with neutral interest. did he really "understand" what he was observing, could he even SHOW it?
in response sherlock kissed him on the cheek
eros's reaction was adorably hilarious

oh by the way sherlock FINALLY picked his surname, which is mandatory in Central
it's "episteme"
so he's locked in now and very, very happy about it
but that was a huge surprise, we FORGOT centralites REQUIRE surnames to lock in
explains why kyanos hasn't had any trouble since finding his, really
and why eros/ cz/ cel are still shaky
so we will be working on that

in any case, both sherlock and kyanos have been working much more closely with us lately
which is really nice, they're both sweethearts, but they've felt like strangers for so long
having them suddenly feel like friends & family at last is so nice




today

trying to figure out what the heck to do about these angry-numb social fronters
they keep showing up and not letting anyone else in
the only way to get them out is to basically dive into headspace and NOT LEAVE
which is why work is good; we can go up and don't need to come down at all
which "turns off" the angry socials and lets US come out and be around.

reviewing who feels like a driver, who can STAY out and is STILL tied to headspace?
biggest problem is that inside people dont know how to live in the body
and most of us are totally baffled or unfit for "daily life"
so, we NEED to find people who CAN function on that level who AREN'T faceless or negative
there aren't many of us who can do that yet.

"cel" person, feels different than clock-wings one, this one has bug wings
not iridicel, not quite celebreon, but this person is a constant
the clock-wing one is an UPSTAIRS rooted person,
the bug-wings one is a DOWNSTAIRS rooted person, AND is taller? fits the body better

waldorf fronted for a bit. she's been doing that a LOT lately at work, she likes it there
dalton tried to, he's being built but his groundwork is still unstable
gent stepped in for about 3 seconds, triggered by his color/vibe
javier also out, feels like he has a few more piercings (tops of ears?)
josephina stopped in for a minute? said it was "jarring" to be in the body, dysphoric

eros out again later, fascinated by "openings" into cars
like when you take out a door handle there's a place where it's just a space in the door
again, i must emphasize this was not in a sexual context, it never is for us, but it can be for people outside
for us it was something like a wound??
again, tied to the pain=love thing, that just hit me now
but also childhood religiosity, "holy wounds" had SO much emphasis, big focus on them at home
so that makes sense to us, the idea of such a wound being intimate and sacred
especially the "reaching into" it, like it's a direct contact with the inside of someone,
hard to put into words, but it's the feeling infinitii gives off,
something crushingly soterial and solemn and bizarrely 'sensual' all at once
holy fear is always tied up with ecstasy and infi IS that
but eros holds the softer reflection of that feeling, if that makes sense

also a weird realization, our personal version of intimacy/sensuality is weirdly tied to things
or at least the idea of non-interactive things, it always has been
it's a weird big fear of showing affection to something that will act back, there's that old fear of being attacked
i know we spoke about this once before way in the past.
but it's also because we don't feel lust or attraction. other people do.
so there's a programming fear tied to that possibility in others, we feel very very unsafe by default.
that's taking a while to heal, because you can't make the planet asexual, we need a way of coping
anyway yeah it's the idea of internalized sensuality being externalized without an observer or partner
like just experiencing that in and of itself, safely, almost methodically, explorative
which explains why sherlock and eros get along haha

feelings of other creatures like emmett in the system. odd snakey things.
no idea if legit yet, just intriguing, as there seem to be "species" in headspace
not just the bugs
wreckage, spine, and the destroyer feel very "tied" in species somehow
and we don't know about infinitii & xenophon
(let alone daemons in general, who all share certain features)
anyway it's another thing to think upon & look into.


haven't mentioned, but laurie and waldorf both ghost a lot at work, talk to fronters
genesis has showed up once or twice too

waldorf and kyanos watch the workers from in the sky-realm central branch (like this)
kyanos has these strings hanging from an upper floor down to the ground level
pins big pictures to them about what we have to do or talk about today
it's really cute

don’t remember afternoon, or anything much after work
this is typical and upsetting
we are TRYING to fix the fronter situation but those people have WAY too much power

someone throwing up AGAIN
in the bathroom, slicing the arm open, laurie screaming and sobbing at them
"don't you dare" "I swear my heart can't take much more of this"

lynne obviously terribly broken from the hack she took the other day
there's no memory of it in the system unless you dig through archival data and even then it's vague
hacks do not store anymore, that's both good and bad
good because flashbacks dont happen at random as often
bad because now there's a big sense of numbness and confusion
and not being aware of danger anymore
just like when we were children and this all started.
maybe that's very relevant
anyway lynne looks like she's in shock, kind of distant, depressive fog
it has us all very concerned
josephina is still grappling with things too but he's more pensively upset, not numb at all
waldorf is starting to worry a LOT about him
and jay is still weirdly angry, he's having a ton of splintering issues, overlay problems
we really, really think the host "switched" and the white jay ISN'T the main dude anymore
but we can't find out who the new person is, if anyone
because of all these heartless abusive fronters

but we're trying.
at least we know where to walk from here on out, even if the road is rocky.