the spectrum heart cathedral system

Quick daily update to get back into this habit.
It's hard to get back into a headspace mindset after coming home & working in the family mindset for a few hours, but like I said, practice always helps.



- Work today consisted of scuffpadding a really weirdly shaped fender piece, which had so many odd turns and curves and gaps that it took almost the full three hours to complete.

- Found out upon walking in the door to work that David Bowie passed away. Dad & mom both introduced me to his music as a kid so his influence has been a fixture in my audial history; even if I never became as big a fan as they were, I always appreciated his immense talent, prolific output, and unique creativity. So the news still hit heavy.

- Went shopping today, first time I can remember doing so in this new year. Since we just overcame our third sickness bout in the past year-- totally unheard of; normally we don't get sick ever-- we knew something was majorly up, and really the basic concern rounds down to the current internalized lie of "I only deserve to eat garbage." We're still not entirely sure how that began, let alone when, but it's probably just a consolidation of all the negative self-talk rolled into tangible treatment. Either way, we know how to heal it, which is patience and compassion and kindness... and courageous honor. So we went shopping and even our eating-disorder alters are cooperating now, having learned empathy and self-care well enough to want to get better, so they didn't go for any addictions or compulsions or desperate coping mis-mechanisms-- and even better, ALL THE DATA STUCK!! We used to have to keep meticulous food journals and receipt logs and things just to remember what we bought, what it tasted like, if it made us sick, how it made us sick, etc... but now that we're working WITH the alters who FEEL and EXPERIENCE those things... we no longer have to work so strenuously just to stay healthy, because their part of this data isn't locked out from us anymore. In short: those headvoices can tell us instantly what foods make us sick AND how, and because they're gaining inside roots, they are now unwilling to eat those things because they can feelthe bad consequences now AND don't want anyone else to feel them either.

- We did mess up a little, buying some foods that WOULD have been very good for us IF someone didn't absolutely choke them in cinnamon and Stevia. Apparently they tried this once BUT it was in a stressful home environment so no data stuck and they didn't experience it, and wanted to try again because "they thought it was good." Unfortunately they didn't check past data first, which clearly says that overuse of cinnamon causes EXTREME nausea instantly, as does those lentil chips they decided to buy (which no one actually likes, but it's that weird mindset of "we used to like lentils years ago, so we still should, right?" tied to family teachings that keeps us repeating this error in ignorance). So somebody junked it, which was 100% endorsed this time because we actually ended up vomiting from actual sickness instead of trauma fear.
Someone also got gluten-free pancake mix as another "data says this seemed good once and i'm not sure so i want to try again" compulsion, which wasn't too bad because that + a small coconut oil was only $2 at this store (talk about a deal right). The problem? They didn't check the food diary, which EXPLICITLY states that "pancakes are carbs+oil and ALWAYS make us vomit from heavy nausea; this has been tested extensively." Unfortunately whoever bought it didn't have that data and no one else had such clear access on hand? (I think Overload and her "sister" hold that rage knowledge but I'm not sure; we need to check) Anyway they weren't too bad, but 80% of them was still junked and they DID make us sick so that cannot happen again, it's a waste of time and money and health.

- Mom got really sick at work? Apparently she got the flu or something, but was so dehydrated from fluid loss that she almost passed out and had to go to the ER? I only got vague details during a storm of yelling when I got home so I don't know for sure, but that made us sick to our stomach with worry for a good part of the day (both the news and the shouting).

- When we got home from therapy the brother started another "you're a liar, you're a manipulator, you're all wearing masks and I want to 'playfully knock them off' for your own good" argument, laced with his reaction style of "i don't believe anything you tell me because all you do is lie to me and you all betray me and i can't trust any of you and you're all terrible people/ monsters/ etc." I don't know. He's unbearable lately, in a sad way. We try, but his vibe is SO NEGATIVE, he brings a storm cloud wherever he goes, no matter how patient and careful we are with him now.
Anyway I don't really remember the argument because we were trying to make pancakes at the time and angry alters are NOT allowed to talk to him anymore (so as not to exacerbate anything), so who ended up talking to him but JENNIFER, and she's such a sweetheart; her reaction to one of his harsh accusations was to ask him if he was okay, because his intent went totally over her head and she didn't realize it was meant to be offensive. Anyway she tried, Lord knows that dear girl tried her best to talk to him for the next ten minutes, but apparently it didn't work. All I'm aware of is that she kept saying "I do care, I keep telling you that, why do you keep saying I'm lying??" and his response was "because you are! All you do is lie to me! No one in this house cares!!" even though we ALL DO and tell him EVERY DAY that we do and SHOW HIM THAT on top of it. But he's blinding himself to it, I suppose.
Anyway it was a long conversation/argument and I could probably find data on it if I looked but the vibe is making me nauseous, and I'm just aware that it concluded with the brother giving us one last scathing remark and leaving in a boiling huff, while Jennifer actually started crying and asked Laurie why he was being so mean to her, and not listening when she tried to talk to him. She was really hurt by the fact that the brother outright refused to speak civilly to her. Laurie told her it wasn't her fault, she was as honest and kind as she could have possibly been, and she was proud of her-- but then Laurie told her to not let it get to her, and come back inside, so she could recover. So Jayce ended up finishing the pancakes and then Jess ended up eating them I think but around that switch-time is when our memory basically blacks out until about 8pm.

- All I know is that we must have been stressed or scared again because the next thing I remember, we're kneeling on the bedroom floor making inkblots. GOOD. They are the MOST RELAXING THING IN THE WORLD and are arguably our favorite form of art, period. So we made six of them, with one extra attempt not working, but the successful ones are lovely. I'm really so glad we're getting back into art.

- Lately, at home, we've not been tapping into headspace because of family stress BUT when we're not in a low vibe state, our main "fronter" is tending to be that one "individual" who has no face or name or even solid self, but who gets the GUIDES as "voices" and who talk to her(?) constantly while she works/ acts/ etc.? They said that "we can't do what headspace can and they can't do what we can" so no one's losing out, it's just different needs in different contexts and times. So that's good.
But these voices are NICE and VERY HELPFUL and EXTREMELY INTUITIVE and they never do us wrong, they actually do some shockingly helpful/ synchronistic things when we actually listen, which is something that fronter does absolutely as they HAVE no "self" to clash with motives and doubts and things.
We're wondering if said "fronter" holds the theoretical CLEAR slot in the Spectrum, which is something we're wondering if we can integrate for the sake of Spectrumizing the faceless/nameless ones who nevertheless work with us for our benefit? Like an "embryonic" Color, notsomuch a placeholder as a transitional status? Like a flight layover, is the feeling I get. It's somewhere they need to be right now, but it's not their final destination IF they're meant for a "destination," which would be Headspace, and which may not be "meant" for many of the Clears, especially not this one, as Headspace is very personal-growth oriented internally BUT this specific fronter deals with a sort of "personal" growth that feels more broad? Like it's "global;" it's helping the entire System eventually as it's dealing with baseline roots of behavior and tendencies, overcoming selfishness and doubt and the "old girls" habits... but it's, again, more passive. Her existence is literally just listening to the guide-voices and obeying; it's fine and it's very beneficial in the big picture BUT it has a "soft and foggy" feeling like a rainy spring haze, this fronter CANNOT exist apart from those voices, she CAN'T make her own choices or hold a color as her existence is PASSIVE. Does that make sense?
Anyway I'm very glad that alter/ voice/ whatever they count as exists. They have a very good heart and having someone like that SO strongly tied to not just the body but also the physical existence at large, gives us massive hope for our physical future at large as well. We always feared the only body-locked alters were abusive, but this Clear person is an absolute beacon of light pointing at a beautiful negation of that fear. There is an alternative and they are living proof.

- We cleaned up a bit of our room as stress has been making us too tired/depressed to really tidy things, and that's feeding the negative loop. So we put every book back on a shelf that belongs there, organized our miscellany drawer (which literally contains just Power Gear, toothpaste, soap, fingerless gloves, old hard drives, bell spheres, a Celebi plate, crisis hotline cards, and a handful of ancient virtual pets), organized the top of our shared-with-grandmother dresser (mostly religious papers there), and dusted off the top of our workspace with all the candles on it. So things look much nicer now and that helps us feel nicer! The next big project is to do the work in the three current piles on our desk (1. Dream World design work, 2. read a copy each of Psychology Today and Smithsonian that we borrowed and need to return Thursday, and 3. a big pile of dream journal entries and other misc notes that need to be typed in) so that can be put away at last. The only "perma-mess" at the moment is our painting space, which is currently half covered in paint bottles and half covered in stuff we're trying to sell on eBay. So. One thing at a time, really.


- Therapy today was interesting because we didn't discuss much, but a lot happened? We finished reading dec 30's entry last Thursday, but Jackie walked in to therapy and when we got her out we had to explain that she's our "default social person" as she's a "publically acceptable extrovert" and doesn't have bad moods, BUT she still counts as a manic even if she's learning to be nice and cooperative, which basically just means that she can't really grasp "bluer emotions" in herself or others. SO, having her front for the morning was probably a "defense instinct" since we didn't have open time to cope with/ untangle the stress & anxiety from that morning (mom sick, family shouting, brother yelling in general), and couldn't carry that with us in public as we wouldn't be able to think/ function/ reason properly. So now that we were in therapy, we had to switch to introverted people, who may not hold ANY memory of what Jackie did, and maybe even only came out in therapy-like environments.
Jay came out first, of course, but this was brief, and he handed her a printout of the second half of jan 3rd's entry, somewhat edited for relevance.
And our memory of that is very fuzzy becase halfway down the first page, KNIFE CAME OUT to listen instead of anyone else. I'm really not sure why? Something caught his attention and he decided why not be there, so he was. His overlay is INCREDIBLY SOLID which is amazing, and keeps him in so much that he can even talk to people AND LOOK AT THEM. Very few people in our System can do that because it often causes instinctive overlay destruction (the knee-jerk "become that person instead of yourself" programming), but Knife apparently is untouched by that. So he stayed out, his fangs and hair and coat crystal clear in memory, and he was listening to our therapist read Jay's words about the Tar-based alters seeing love as shameful and Knife just started crying. Silently, and with marked suppression-- he couldn't weep outright in the office, that's still something we don't feel is proper-- but other than that, he was not hiding his emotional response, and THANK GOD FOR THIS GUY. His presence alone, his actions alone there, probably helped melt a great deal of that lingering emotional numbing on that level for ALL of us.
So Knife stayed for at least ten solid minutes which is amazing, talking as well as he could (he keeps picking up a vaguely British accent-- which fits as it softens the sounds of words and Knife absolutely does not speak with an American accent anyway) and making eye contact and everything; really I'm ecstatically shocked by all that.
So then Jay came out because it was almost time to leave and I think the topic changed, but he came out in his "rainbow-drip" state, a.k.a. the side that's always grinning and flirty and confident and super-bright, BUT who also runs the risk of being that too much and hitting Plague danger. Anyway he talks a lot because he's so enthusiastic and interested in everything, and he was just joyously talking about how he could feel Knife's overlay residue and he "holds himself like a bookcase" and he was summarizing how full of love and amazement he was about feeling the "richness of Headspace" in the physical again, like we did for basically all of 2014 in therapy, with learning new things like handwriting and finding so many hidden alters/voices in the process. But it was lovely, it really was.

- Jay switched back to the "normal" Jay after we left as he was getting too bright, and that only took a second or three but Laurie's eyes widened and she immediately exclaimed "dude your hair just reversed direction." So apparently, saturated-Jay has the old-style Celebi hairstyle, while iridescent-Jay has the fluffy-in-front hair that's closer to the Jayce bloodline style? Hair is always a tricky thing as it's so hair-trigger specific, pun fully intended, but that was almost a tangible shift so that's at least one huge good tell-apart for the Cores.

- Interestingly and very noteworthily, when we got out to the car, I guess we still needed to de-manic ourself and who decided to come out and do that but KYANOS?? And he SPOKE!!! He has NEVER spoken before, and Laurie immediately told him to at least introduce himself on the voice recorder, so he did. His voice is high-pitched and notably breathy, but it's not scary or sighing, it's quite pretty actually. However, voice style doesn't change voice tone, and the body voice still sounds too much like the manic girls, so that jarred Kyanos out of fronting. Laurie took over quickly as she's got a voice that's not too jarring in the body, and her overlay is MUCH more solid than Kyanos's... but even she got shaken up after about 20 seconds, and then to everyone's surprise, JAVIER took over. And he had NO PROBLEM TALKING. His voice-style isn't too different from the body but it feels different? It has a tighter pronunciation? Like it feels more "narrow" in shape, although it's the same range, and he speaks words with more sharpness or crispness or something. It's cool. But he was able to stay out and drive for at least five minutes, until we had to run a store errand and he ended up switching out (he can't do publicity yet) and Genesis helped whoever was fronting then (if anyone solid).
Memory from then to the pancake incident is almost completely gone, but I do know that at some point on the way home, we were listening to Burial by Seinabo Sey again (we adore it) and, since Genesis doesn't like Ruby singing as she turns everything too manic/ performative and therefore disrespects the song, who ended up coming out to sing but ZWEI.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN SEVERAL MONTHS. We actually were worrying that she as dead. But no, she came right out with her cute trademark voice and she sang that song better than Ruby can, haha.
Einsatz followed her out and by then I know we were almost home because he had a bit of trouble getting an overlay in, and he was running music through himself as usual but he gets so into it that he was having trouble with the car and we had to have him switch out.
(BTW Nienna only sings in formal environments (mostly church), Jay only sings if he can make it something very personal and non-performative (or at church if Xenophon asks him to), Ruby sings for manic fun/performance, Zwei sings just for the playful fun of it, and then there's STILL that one rare guy who sings like Ruby but is a bit of a diva, and then one of our male church fronters also sings I think. Anyway there are many of us.)
(LATER EDIT I checked records and apparently our memory got weird around the grocery shopping bit because GARRISON FRONTED to talk into the voice recorder for several minutes??? Apparently his voice works even better than Javier's does in the body, so he took full advantage of that both to keep us grounded in headspace and to give a proper, knowledgeable full recap of therapy when no one else could. So that's very noteworthy and I'm proud of him because he tends to get nervous but apparently he has NO NERVES about fronting in public which is HUGE; a lot of people freak out and hide back inside.)


Now we're listening to David Bowie's two most recent (technically two last) albums for the sake of his memory, and considering taking a break to maybe get back into digital art a bit in a few minutes. A bit at a time, like I said.

Good night, everyone.

 

 

tried to kill myself just now.
laurie kept screaming at me to stop. actually held me backa few times

still managed to cut up my wrist quikly thoigh
not much ebcause she wouldnst stop screaming at me and

I want to die.
I am a disgrace iam a humiliating faulutre
I all al I do is fuck up

 

 

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@11:59 PM

 

yesterday.

eros is FINALLY back.
hanging out in only cerise room so far (main area inspired by the golden cat in dishonored)
he's tuned back into his initial anchor from 2011
safe, non-sexual, lustless "eroticism" if you can call it that

wrapping himself around cars
similar to jay, different feeling? more "personally intimate."
eros is "embracing," jay is "enveloping"
us all realizing eros is kind of a key to healing those damaged ones who can't fathom non-sexual closeness
because eros is that incarnate, and he's got a surprisingly "opening" vibe like infi, he feels safe around

wondering who could interact with eros on this level, for the sake of companionship? for him really.
waldorf stopped in momentarily, still "not up to" playfulness though, not really negative?
just not everyone is as totally open and affectionate as eros is
which isnt bad, just different, as long as there are no "emotional barriers/walls" up
eros respects boundaries totally though, thank god, he doesn't push anything, always respects a "no"
whereas hackers DONT. neither do some people outside that we know.
so this eros is NOT infected or corrupted, thank god yet again, hopefully he stays safe this time

eros said the cerise realms are "closer," not wide open space like jay likes
little close spaces, kind of "layered" spaces, like fabric folds-- no boundaries, but many levels?
eros emphasized that there are NO DOORS in the cerise realms; everything is open, always.
significant because hacks always happen behind closed doors, or in isolated spaces,
there is NONE of that in eros' realm which automatically gives a feeling of relief and safety

sherlock stopped in when no one else could decide if they should
surprisingly he and eros get along pretty well as sherlock is very stable, baseline, not bothered by or opposed to eros's behavior, they balance out
eros wondering good-naturedly at how sherlock is "unfazed" by everything, not numbly though, just observing it with neutral interest. did he really "understand" what he was observing, could he even SHOW it?
in response sherlock kissed him on the cheek
eros's reaction was adorably hilarious

oh by the way sherlock FINALLY picked his surname, which is mandatory in Central
it's "episteme"
so he's locked in now and very, very happy about it
but that was a huge surprise, we FORGOT centralites REQUIRE surnames to lock in
explains why kyanos hasn't had any trouble since finding his, really
and why eros/ cz/ cel are still shaky
so we will be working on that

in any case, both sherlock and kyanos have been working much more closely with us lately
which is really nice, they're both sweethearts, but they've felt like strangers for so long
having them suddenly feel like friends & family at last is so nice




today

trying to figure out what the heck to do about these angry-numb social fronters
they keep showing up and not letting anyone else in
the only way to get them out is to basically dive into headspace and NOT LEAVE
which is why work is good; we can go up and don't need to come down at all
which "turns off" the angry socials and lets US come out and be around.

reviewing who feels like a driver, who can STAY out and is STILL tied to headspace?
biggest problem is that inside people dont know how to live in the body
and most of us are totally baffled or unfit for "daily life"
so, we NEED to find people who CAN function on that level who AREN'T faceless or negative
there aren't many of us who can do that yet.

"cel" person, feels different than clock-wings one, this one has bug wings
not iridicel, not quite celebreon, but this person is a constant
the clock-wing one is an UPSTAIRS rooted person,
the bug-wings one is a DOWNSTAIRS rooted person, AND is taller? fits the body better

waldorf fronted for a bit. she's been doing that a LOT lately at work, she likes it there
dalton tried to, he's being built but his groundwork is still unstable
gent stepped in for about 3 seconds, triggered by his color/vibe
javier also out, feels like he has a few more piercings (tops of ears?)
josephina stopped in for a minute? said it was "jarring" to be in the body, dysphoric

eros out again later, fascinated by "openings" into cars
like when you take out a door handle there's a place where it's just a space in the door
again, i must emphasize this was not in a sexual context, it never is for us, but it can be for people outside
for us it was something like a wound??
again, tied to the pain=love thing, that just hit me now
but also childhood religiosity, "holy wounds" had SO much emphasis, big focus on them at home
so that makes sense to us, the idea of such a wound being intimate and sacred
especially the "reaching into" it, like it's a direct contact with the inside of someone,
hard to put into words, but it's the feeling infinitii gives off,
something crushingly soterial and solemn and bizarrely 'sensual' all at once
holy fear is always tied up with ecstasy and infi IS that
but eros holds the softer reflection of that feeling, if that makes sense

also a weird realization, our personal version of intimacy/sensuality is weirdly tied to things
or at least the idea of non-interactive things, it always has been
it's a weird big fear of showing affection to something that will act back, there's that old fear of being attacked
i know we spoke about this once before way in the past.
but it's also because we don't feel lust or attraction. other people do.
so there's a programming fear tied to that possibility in others, we feel very very unsafe by default.
that's taking a while to heal, because you can't make the planet asexual, we need a way of coping
anyway yeah it's the idea of internalized sensuality being externalized without an observer or partner
like just experiencing that in and of itself, safely, almost methodically, explorative
which explains why sherlock and eros get along haha

feelings of other creatures like emmett in the system. odd snakey things.
no idea if legit yet, just intriguing, as there seem to be "species" in headspace
not just the bugs
wreckage, spine, and the destroyer feel very "tied" in species somehow
and we don't know about infinitii & xenophon
(let alone daemons in general, who all share certain features)
anyway it's another thing to think upon & look into.


haven't mentioned, but laurie and waldorf both ghost a lot at work, talk to fronters
genesis has showed up once or twice too

waldorf and kyanos watch the workers from in the sky-realm central branch (like this)
kyanos has these strings hanging from an upper floor down to the ground level
pins big pictures to them about what we have to do or talk about today
it's really cute

don’t remember afternoon, or anything much after work
this is typical and upsetting
we are TRYING to fix the fronter situation but those people have WAY too much power

someone throwing up AGAIN
in the bathroom, slicing the arm open, laurie screaming and sobbing at them
"don't you dare" "I swear my heart can't take much more of this"

lynne obviously terribly broken from the hack she took the other day
there's no memory of it in the system unless you dig through archival data and even then it's vague
hacks do not store anymore, that's both good and bad
good because flashbacks dont happen at random as often
bad because now there's a big sense of numbness and confusion
and not being aware of danger anymore
just like when we were children and this all started.
maybe that's very relevant
anyway lynne looks like she's in shock, kind of distant, depressive fog
it has us all very concerned
josephina is still grappling with things too but he's more pensively upset, not numb at all
waldorf is starting to worry a LOT about him
and jay is still weirdly angry, he's having a ton of splintering issues, overlay problems
we really, really think the host "switched" and the white jay ISN'T the main dude anymore
but we can't find out who the new person is, if anyone
because of all these heartless abusive fronters

but we're trying.
at least we know where to walk from here on out, even if the road is rocky.

 

celestriakle asked: Once you get this you have to say 5 nice things about yourself publicly and then send it to 10 of your favorite followers. Thinking good thoughts about yourself is hard but it will make you feel better so give it a go, for the sake of spreading positivity. (I know you don't follow me, but a positivity boost is always nice! <3)

…I’m not following you? *FIXES THAT*

Really though, it’s great to hear from you again! <3
I think you tagged us for one of these ages ago, and I apologize for never answering. But it’s never a bad time for a positivity boost, so thank you for sending this our way again.
Let’s see, 5 nice things about me, oh boy. Give me a second.

0. Laurie just shouted “you’re a really nice kid" from the back of the room, so I’m putting that here as I find it adorably hilarious.

1. I’m not the sort of person who “used to like” anything. If something/someone was ever dear to my heart, even for a moment, I’ll always think of it fondly (even if my ‘bad days’ insist on denying this). I guess in a larger sense, this means that I find it hard to actually dislike anything, as it’s my nature to see the inherent ‘likeability’ in everything and value that always. As the old song goes, “I fall in love too easily.” (And despite my reserved and oft-distant demeanor, when I love something I love it fiercely.)

2. I am willing to work my ass off at self-improvement even if it scares me to death. There are some very big terrors and traumas and things in our past that still need to be dealt with/ healed, but I won’t run or shove them under the rug, even if I may admittedly try to at first. At the end of the day, though, I’ll always face my flaws and fears head-on, with as much patience and courage as I can muster. And I don’t give up on myself (ourself!) either.

3. I’m frequently told (even by total strangers) that I’m intelligent/ wise for my age/ I have a strong mind/ etc. With the many years of self-introspection we’ve done, as well as the sheer amount of worldbuilding research I do, I’m not going to disagree with those claims. It’s just surprising as I don’t tend to think of myself as such.

4. Even though I’m my own worst critic (aren’t we all), I really, really love all the creative work we’ve done, even if it “fell short of expectations” at the time. That goes for art, music, and poetry. No matter what, I can’t help but be affectionately proud of it all.
Plus I have a decent singing voice, which is nice. (Our mum really likes our music too, thanks mum you’re awesome <3)

5. I never lost the bright-eyed wonder of childhood, even for the simplest things in life, and I’ve never felt any need to ‘censor’ the total gleeful joy I feel about how amazing this existence is. As a result, I get really fascinated by things really fast, and often end up acting like a blissed-out 5-year-old in public because of it, haha. No regrets!


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@ 03:57 pm

anonymous asked: What are the biggest differences between the last three fronters?

That would be Knife, Javier, and Laurie.
Physically, Laurie is all muscle but she’s not ‘bulky.’ Javier is average but toned, and Knife is a little frail but he isn’t weak.
Personality-wise, though, is where the big distinctions are!

Javier is relatively “new,” as he didn’t solidly anchor until January of this year. He has hard edges— he’s determined, strict, often obstinate, and very duty-conscious. His role in the System is to “fight for the rights” of those who have had their safety and health compromised (due to trauma or abuse), and so that almost zealous persistence is very obvious in him. However his emotions are level, albeit often with a subtle “angry” undertone. His outbursts are rare and motivated only by injustice. He is also one of the only people who can order the AP to do anything, a privilege he uses for the highest good. He mainly protects those in the Downstairs and Lower levels, as they are often overlooked.

In contrast, Knife is very sweet and kind, and he doesn’t want to hurt anyone with his words or actions— which can make him very hesitant to act at times. This is a notable difference from his birth personality, where he was our most merciless moral retributor, but the “righteous” roots of that are actually what allowed his far softer demeanor to bloom in the first place. Once he saw the unintentional but acute pain he was causing others in his drive to “atone,” he became driven to help calm and soothe those in pain instead of adding to it. He is now our main healer, and is currently working to do so for the children of the System, as they feel safe around him.

Laurie is a mix of both. One of our oldest members, she was originally called our “superego” as she was deadset on making sure no one succumbed to darker thoughts or impulses. She is our main Protector, the original Retributor, and the main advisor of the Cores. She is brutally honest, with unflinching integrity, and she demands the same of everyone else. However, beneath her characteristic aggression, she is surprisingly compassionate and understanding, and will help anyone who needs her without question or exceptions. She’s even been known to front for hours (no easy feat) in order to prevent suicide attempts or emotional meltdowns.

Hope that answers the question well.

anonymous asked: Can certain alters not swim or read? Is this a result of fear or their background not teaching them how?

We haven’t swam in years due to overwhelming body dysphoria, as well as the lack of a place to swim. So we haven’t tested this! But it wouldn’t be surprising if some of us had no idea how— especially our nonhuman and child members. I’m sure there’s “instinctive data” for swimming, that anyone can tune into passively, but since the vast majority of us have no personal experience of doing so, there would definitely be conflict there, between the ‘intuitively knowing’ and the active ‘doing.’
As for reading, all of us can read to an extent. Those of us who struggle with verbal communication, and therefore the written word, can still “get” the message intended through reading once the words are internalized and “felt”— or, if even that is tough, the Archivists will read things to them. People like this are very rare though.

anonymous asked: What are the last five fronters favorite tv shows and movies?

We don’t watch television, to be honest, nor do we go to the movies often at all. So we really can’t answer this question; sorry!

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@ 05:42 pm

anonymous asked: What's the AP?

The “AP” is the “Autopilot,” a sort of mindless body-maintenance program that runs when no one is fronting. It operates based on “what is appropriate and/or needed in this situation,” according to what we’ve had to do in the past to ensure our own survival.
It’s a curse and a blessing— although it is great for just getting through daily life (it’s purpose), it’s also completely numb and has no will of its own. So it can get us stuck in harmful “obligatory behavior” loops, and/or it can cause extended “unplugged” periods where the people inside the body can’t front or communicate (thanks to the pervading numbness).
Lastly— and very importantly— the AP was ‘created’ in order to exist SEPARATELY from us, as it was not safe for Headspace to be expressed or even accepted for years. So the AP doesn’t do either of those things even now. Even if we can see it working, as if from a distance, it normally won’t listen to us. It can’t even acknowledge us as something that exists.

Calling back to the previous askbox message, Javier is one of the few exceptions to this AP ignorance. Being the RED core, his very function is tied to the physical body, specifically its well-being. So, Javier can actively override the AP’s actions if they compromise our well-being, and it typically WILL listen because that’s a positive body-based order (the rest of us don’t have that body connection). Usually, if he succeeds in this, the AP will be kicked out of control for a while (as we negate its function) so that’s good too.
I hope that makes sense?



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@ 09:36 pm

ssv-normandy: have you ever loved a character so much that you can’t even really explain why you love them as much as you do or when you started feeling that way it just sort of happened and that’s how it’s going to be forever and ever

chaos zero i am looking at you


_{#chaos zero #since 2003 #honestly i adore that guy #remember how it started #i was writing a sonic fanseries and he ended up being the main character #so of course i needed to learn who he was inside and out within the canon #i an not kidding i did YEARS of research #tons of art and research and character development #he became such a huge part of my life even from just an artistic standpoint #then of course i ended up in love with him so that made it worse #i'll never forget the moment that hit me by the way #but i digress #i never expected this crazy blue guy to become such a huge part of my life but here we are #i'll never get tired of him in any respect #consider me a fan for life #bury me with my sonic adventure disc #but seriously yeah i love him #and honestly it makes me so deeply happy to see him getting more love from the sth community at large #he deserves it #and as cheesy as it sounds i just wish i could give more than i already have #but that's what this paragraph of tags is about i suppose}

 

 

I think I'm going to get an actual paper journal and start a daily log of sorts. It'll help with memory, for one-- it's very hard for me to keep track of things on my own, and I can't always get on this computer-- my current internet setup involves dragging my laptop into the kitchen (I don't have wifi and the only cable is in there), which then requires me to sit in an excruciatingly painful position at a corner desk until my battery dies. Needless to say I'm tired of it, so I might actually take a break from the internet entirely until April... we'll see.
In any case I need to start keeping more accurate records of our inner life. I love our System, even on its bad days, as you all know... and it's the little things, the details and the fragile moments, that we treasure the most.

Today, Javier let the cats in. He loves animals and randomly decided to come out for the first time in a while to greet them and let them in from the cold.

I forgot to tell you guys, on Thursday Knife actually tried singing a bit of this song (he loves SanteJazz) via channeling, the first time he'd ever attempted to do so, and it was one of the most uplifting things I've seen in a while. Also he hugged Infi at one point. And he wants a permanent Christmas tree somewhere in the new Underground (mostly above ground now!) because-- I don't know if I mentioned-- he spent weeks secretly making one for this past Christmas, as he loved the concept, and eventually didn't ever want to take it down. It's decorated in pink. I swear that man is too adorable for his own good.

I woke up suddenly at 7AM feeling utterly split in half. There was me-- Jay-- and then there was the girl, the cynical uncaring one, who lives in this body. We were both fronting completely, somehow, upon awakening, and I could barely keep my consciousness from slipping under the wheels of hers. I wanted to cry from the paralyzingly spiteful emptiness inside her mind, like old gray paint thrown onto the windowpanes, coloring our room like a storm hovering on the horizon. She felt like life had betrayed her, somehow, and she didn't want to wake up, and she didn't want to sleep, and she was miserable. I couldn't bear it; I couldn't stand the existential carelessness and the fact that it was making me forget who I was apart from it, that I was something apart from it.
All I remember is quietly crying for Infi, and holding hir in my arms as I tossed a robe over my eyes and tried desperately to fall back asleep.

Xennie came to church with me today, halfway through, as it was crowded and she couldn't find a place to sit next to me. Upon leaving she learned that she can't run about on her own when there are moving cars around-- she almost dashed into the path of one leaving the parking lot. I told her to hold my hand so she did, apologizing and shaken. I said it was okay, don't worry, just stay close to me and I'll make sure you're always safe. But it worried me, to see how she has this pent-up enthusiastic energy and wants to talk to me, and wants to run around and have fun with her other father for God's sake... but she only really sees me on Saturday evenings and that breaks my heart.
My biological father has been divorced for almost 7 years. I see him maybe 2, 3 times per month. And here, my baby girl is seeing me barely twice more at worst, and it wasn't until today that I saw how it was affecting her. Who the hell is raising her? I don't give a damn if my genetics aren't literally part of her, I really don't-- I've got a bloodline and if that's all I can see reflected in her then I will embrace that with all my heart because she STILL calls me her father and I will not, I will never deny her that, ever, ever again. But I'm not... I haven't been there for her. I want to be, God knows I want to me, but it is so difficult when I have to split realities to do so. It is so heartbreaking when I have to wear myself out in meditation for hours just to be with her in a way that doesn't subtract from the experience for either of us. And she's growing up, almost without guidance, thank heaven above that she has Laurie and all of headspace but I'm her FATHER, where the hell am I??
I'm sorry. That got unexpectedly emotional. But it's honest and I am leaving it there 100%.

I got a really bad burn on my left hand and arm yesterday after watching Donnie Darko and it was hilarious because I blanked out when I noticed it was burning, and that made it worse obviously. I was just glad at the time that I'm a champ at sensory dissociation so after the initial searing pain I managed to forget it was there for the next few hours despite the ignored signals making my brain feel all funny. Anyway my hand is fine now, but the arm burn is problematic to take care of because the skin is burnt off, and all I can do is wrap it with gauze really. Not sure why I'm telling you about this, maybe just because it's going to leave yet another scar on my arm. That arm is a mess by this point.

Donnie Darko. Geez. I've wanted to see that movie since high school and I finally did. No regrets, but here are some thoughts because I want to write about this before I forget (spoiler warning!):
■ The attitudes of everyone in the movie were actually painful for me to watch. I still have a hard time imagining that some high schools are apparently like that? So I blanked out quite a bit during the movie which was upsetting.
■ FRANK THE RABBIT ACTUALLY SOUNDS A LOT LIKE INFI AND IT MADE ME VERY FLUSTERED AT FIRST. (It's obviously not exact, but the unusual soft tone and that slightly dissonant echo are really close)
■ "Destruction is a form of creation." Hello CZ. I do like Donnie's response though: "They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things." It sounded almost contradictory to me at first, but then I thought about my own life, and realized it's very true. You cannot build something new upon old rotted ruins. The foundation will crumble. Sometimes, to change things, you really need to tear things down to the ground-- to get every last scrap out of the dirt, to "destroy" the old and allow for something new, something better, to bloom. Again, that whole thing keeps making me think of Chaos and who he's been to both me and the System since 2003... even if I don't 'remember' most of it, there's this vibe about him that is basically a hurricane and a summer rain at the same time. He's water. He's simultaneously a source of life, soft and receptive and flowing and deep, and this force of total destruction... powerful, wild, and crashing down with unstoppable force, washing away everything in its path. But then comes the rain, and in that place where previously nothing could grow, now in the upturned mud and ashes there are flowers beginning to sprout. It's so strange, how he is perfectly both, but there it is, and I love that about him. I'll likely write more about this once I re-read the script, because when it's in front of me all at once I can find threads and parallels and things, and I'm curious to revisit how this theme plays out in the film... it basically defines the entire time-travel phenomenon with the tangent universe. To ensure creation, something is destroyed. It's really fascinating.
■ Also, actually, if you get to the heart of it, the whole spectrum of human emotion really does narrow down to Fear vs Love. But it does take a lot of narrowing-down (and too many people think "love" means "romance" which isn't true) so Donnie wasn't entirely incorrect. Fear and Love manifest in tons of different ways, and those ways can become so convoluted and so distant from their source that, in many cases, it's near-impossible to tell which is which on the surface. And I didn't like how Kitty didn't explain anything about that, just assumed everything was that black-and-white. Fear and Love are the deepest motivations, but they aren't that cut-and-dry, and Fear is very good at masquerading if you aren't looking carefully. Even so, I really, really liked how the Fear/Love thing ended up subtly being another massive undercurrent of the movie, at least from my perspective.
■ Major props to Donnie for standing up to Kitty (and everyone else really); I can't stand seeing teachers close their own minds, and/or abuse their authority over their students for the sake of defending their own pride and/or comfortable beliefs about life. Although Karen was a little distressing for me for personal reasons, I liked the way she asked questions, pushed limits, and made the kids think. I wish I'd had more teachers like that, haha.
■ In any case Kitty's class made me very uncomfortable (and not just because of the 80s aesthetics), as did Kitty herself, but I can't truly dislike the woman because she's trying to be a genuinely good person, she's just so single-minded about the process that she can't see outside of it and I just feel bad that she's forbidding herself from that broader vision. But really she reminds me a lot of some psychologically abusive people in my life so I can't defend her that much. Let's just leave her as-is.
■ In the director's cut, there's one bit when they're watching the Cunningham videotape and Donnie is getting distracted, but Frank says something along the lines of "watch closely; you might miss something important." I had to smile because that was just like what happens with me and headspace reminders. And I love the weird poem Donnie gives later, for the same reason... "A storm is coming, Frank says; a storm that will swallow the children, and I will deliver them from the kingdom of pain. I will deliver the children back to their doorsteps, and send the monsters back to the underground. I'll send them back to a place where no one else can see them, except for me... because I am Donnie Darko." I know it's relevant to the movie, but again, to me it was another massive reflection of headspace, and loudly so (just capitalize "Underground" for example). And I just treasure when things like that happen, both negative and positive, because the synchronicity speaks for all of us and it helps us grow, and being able to see reflections of us in everything else, despite all the self-doubt from past years, is really amazing.
■ The scene with Jim Cunningham also gave me a lot of mixed feelings. Again, I know what he was trying to say. But it was far, far too simplified, and I honestly doubt the man's understanding of love, what with what he was apparently doing behind the scenes. Regardless, his advice still had truth in it. "Violence is a product of fear; learn to truly love yourself." That is a truth I've had to learn the hard way, over many years, so believe me when I say that in this society it is MUCH easier said than done. Plus, we hear "love yourself" so often as a stock inspirational phrase-- one that has lost its actual meaning through repetition and incorrect context-- that I do not blame Donnie for getting pissed. He saw the practical side of things, which I commend him for bringing up, but he was also so pessimistic about the whole thing that he failed to see that Jim's advice, when looked at correctly, was still valid. It was just one half of the whole answer. But in the situation that was beyond his sight so again, I just thank the film for allowing the whole picture to still be visible there.
■ Also, some kid asks Jim "how do I figure out what I want to be when I grow up?" Again, Donnie is right in saying that no one knows that at their age, especially not all at once; it takes exploration and time... but in the director's cut, Jim replied to the kid first, and said something along the lines of, "find out what it is that makes you feel real unconditional love, and do that." And this light just went on in my head when he said that. Yeah, it's going to take time and trial and error, but honestly if your heart is singing to the tune of something then for heaven's sake, let it! It's damn scary sometimes, because maybe you don't know the words, or maybe you're too ashamed or frightened or proud or doubtful to join in, or maybe you've never been able to carry a tune before. All I can tell you is that if you trust that, even just a little, genuinely, and follow it... it will lead you in the right direction. Whatever it is. If Infi's taught me anything, it's that in surrendering to the music you become it, and that is such a transcendental feeling that once you actually touch it, even if only for a split second, you can't imagine ever turning your back on it again. And believe me, I've been there, and I've tried to run. I've gotten scared and I've tried to block my ears simply because I didn't believe I could sing at all, I didn't believe I had the right to hear this music, let alone become it. But my soul is made of sheet music and I always end up trying again. In fewer words, follow Jim's advice for this one, as well as Donnie's.
■ TIME TRAVEL. That whole bit was very interesting, but I didn't grasp it entirely the first time. I will have to review it again later if I feel inspired to. Even so I am fascinated by the entire causality scheme and the "Living Receiver" and all that, and I'm curious as to know how it works as a whole. I do like seeing other people's concepts and ideas about time and space and the like, especially in such creative formats.
■ Last reiterated thought for now. Even on a personally symbolic level, there was so much in this movie that paralleled headspace, or events that I've experienced as a result of it. So even if a lot of the movie was somewhat unsettling to me-- really I cannot handle violence or the way Donnie's classmates behaved and it was hard to watch at times-- it felt like another relevant thing, in this falling-back-together of things the System is experiencing now. Sorry I've fallen out of well-structured language with this rambling. Give me a moment.

I owe you guys a text wall like that about His Dark Materials but I'd need to either buy a copy, or take it back out of the library first, as I marked all the pages that had ideas or lines I wanted to revisit. Either way, I won't forget to write, if only for one reason.... I finished the last 100 pages around 1AM in my room, but it took a while to finish specifically because Chaos kept seeing parallels that I was missing and really he made some very significant insights about our situation especially... honestly I have a lot of emotions surrounding him specifically in light of the trilogy's ending, and an equal amount surrounding Infi in light of the dæmons (a concept he's now very fond of). I just adore that trilogy now, I really do, and I owe it it's own entry. You'll get one.

This evening, we finally figured out what the unknown voice in this entry was trying to say about The Destroyer's bizarre ED habits (the only part I admittedly read; I'll have to read the rest of the entry tomorrow). It hit me in a sudden burst of realization when I snapped into awareness for one moment today, as some seaweed-haired girl was curled up with her hands down her throat, dripping and choking like the ocean ruptured and not an ounce of malice in it.
That's when it hit me. The purgation was a positive coping mechanism, risen up after the loss of all other ablutions. And it was damn effective.
I don't know how I never noticed before. They only ever do that with heavy foods. They spend all our money on heavy, poisonous food, the kind of stuff Spice and Emmett scream and protest over, the sort of substances that feel and look and taste like the Tar used to. They buy things that we know we cannot eat without excruciating pain, without emotional meltdowns, without finding ourselves literally holding back our hands from the knife drawer... and then they destroy it. They destroy it. They feign the act of eating, for long enough to be sick and filthy and humiliated and crushed by self-loathing, feeling like an animal, biting into things that bleed and stain their throats. They shred these heavy things, feeling obligated to eat them but refusing to choke it down, boiling with rage and hatred and fury and the desperate need to get rid of it, to utterly annihilate this awful thing that they are forcing into their own body, against their will and yet without fighting back... until eventually, hours later, they've won. They've held out long enough. This awful lethal weight has worn itself down into an inedible mess, into something so profoundly disgusting, so blackened and mangled and wrecked, that its only fate is oblivion. That it deserves oblivion.
And then they throw it out.
And then they throw it up.
But I had no idea of the relief, the total grateful liberation the brackish-green girl lived for until I suddenly found myself in her position, if only for a moment. I had no idea that they only reason they put themselves through hell in the first place was so that they could experience the utter deliverance from it.
They are actively, willingly acting out the fulfillment of a desperate need we never had met. They are forcibly, tearfully, angrily taking in all the heaviness-- the lies, the blood, the nightmares, the panic, the shock, the shame, the things we tried to bury alive-- they are reliving that horrific consumption, in every sense of the word, and then they are doing what we are still struggling to accomplish as a whole... they are spitting it out. They are forcing it back out into the abyss it came from. They are forbidding that sludge from rotting our insides. For them, it is worth repeating the entire symbolic process just for the few excruciating minutes where they can control the outcome, where they can CHANGE the way things played out, where they can stop the pain before it digs in its claws. They are trying to destroy what was destroying us. And that is the root of this disorder.


Lastly, the two big nights of February (the 13th and the 26th) are getting their own entry. I can't remember much of them data-wise, but what I do is still relevant. I guess that's to be expected when the heart is doing most of the experiencing, and not the mind, therefore things don't get stored or perceived the same way. But... the 26th was one of the absolute loveliest evenings I've had in months, on many levels. It gave us all a lot of hope, and it marked some massive progress for us, although there are still things that need to be worked out (as therapy the next day showed us clearly). Nevertheless, as I will say countless times, there is so much love and support and determination in this System that I have total, unwavering faith in our ability as a community to get through this, in the best possible way for all of us. I just have this total faith in the universe really, in that force of love and light that I used to call God and still do in a different way. And that's in us, odd as it may seem to some. Macrocosms and microcosms. It's lovely really, and I love everyone I've been blessed enough to share this life with, despite the bloody circumstances that allowed for it. Nights like this I'm just... reduced to silence from the awe of it. There's so much. There's always so much I just want to express from the heartbreaking joy of it but it doesn't translate into words.

I'm getting close to poet mode on an emotional level so I'm going to close this up and get to sleep... it is really late and boss is probably wondering where I am, to say the least!

 

See you soon.

 

 

 

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

 

 

Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White isn't I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.