the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

 

God help me I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE.

The mother keeps saying "I'm sick of all these medical bills" but when I tell her I'll just stop therapy she says "no, you need to go, I'm not going to put up with this." She's tired and angry. I remember her telling old therapists, "do you see what I have to deal with? I can't handle this!" The guilt and shame and self-loathing are extreme. I don't want to be sick.
The grandfather is saying, "is therapy even going to help you?" I said I don't know, I hope so, but I was determined NOT to need it, to be strong enough not to care. But I was still struggling with dissociation, and things like that. Said it was making me scared to drive lately, not knowing what year it was, let alone where I was. He replies, "You're going to need a nurse 24/7 for the rest of your life, if you're going to be like this." And I know he cares, they all care. But it hurts, I hate myself, for being "ill." I don't WANT to be a burden on the world anymore, or on myself.

I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!!!!


Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can.


Am I "sick?" Is this all "fake?"
The therapist gave us a xanga session for homework. She did. She specifically wanted us to talk to each other before today. Laurie was ecstatic, people were planning topics, but I secretly stood off to the side, and I said no. I said no. NO.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE REAL OKAY????


God what do I do. What do I even do.
We keep reading books, spiritual books, research books. Jewel's doing a lot of Dream World work lately so she can draw things, which is amazing, the instant she starts to work progress just happens, instantly. Every single day it grows more, which is good, because when this stupid trauma happened in 2003 or so the story got put on hold. Not so anymore.
But there's the thing, that stupid "trauma," in the "old days" with Julie and the first teenage Jewel, and guess what? WE CHOPPED OUT THAT TIMELINE. IT'S GONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK ALL THE RESETS WERE FOR.
Delete the trauma, delete it ALL, right?? Then you never have to worry about this STUPIDITY anymore!!

Except that's not what the book said. Except when we read that line in the book, we couldn't help it, our eyes watered up and we pointed to the page and we exclaimed "that's our mission!" and it felt true. terrible but true.
"When a soul chooses to participate consciously in more inclusive levels of interaction, it becomes capable of participating directly in the liberation of its family, or its group, or its community, or its nation from the negatives that are present and active at those levels. It also runs the risk of contamination by those negatives. In other words, a soul that seeks to bring a higher quality of consciousness to a more inclusive level of human interaction runs the risk of being contaminated by the fear, or the anger, or the selfishness of that level. Great souls... run the risk of great contamination. At the level of soul contact, a great soul deals not only with its own fear, its personal fear, but it also takes on the evolution of the collective fear of the species. The weight of that is where a great soul risks contamination on a great level, but its possibility of releasing the fear from the collective consciousness of the species becomes also possible."
I don't consider us a "great soul" like the great Teachers, heavens no, we're too banged-up for that, we're too troubled. Maybe in time we can heal ourselves to such a point, but who knows. All I know is that in reading that paragraph, I felt a direct reflection of whatever it is we are going through. "Yes, that is exactly what we're doing and experiencing!" It was a recognition.

But God if that's what we're doing, If THAT'S why I'm/we're SICK-- if that's why I have the guts to even admit there's a "we"-- if we took on this trauma to heal the collective fear and pain tied to this sort of experience, on however small a level... then please, GUIDE US.
You're already helping us, we know. But damn it it's scary. And... I keep rejecting help. I keep getting... contaminated.
It's an ugly word. But it's true.
Help us with that. Please. Help us with that. Help us get rid of the contamination. If I have any prayer at all, that is it. That is it.

The daemons help in their own way. So do the floating voices, weird as that is. So do the darker Jewel Monsters that tag along. Problem is, a lot of them-- most of them-- work through the old childhood thing of "learn through fear and doubt and pain."
Isn't there another way? Please, help us open our mind(s) enough to see another way. Please.
We must hold to light. We must hold to light.
And there's so much of it in here, that's why I'm frustrated and heartbroken, because there's SO much LIGHT in here, but that damn contamination, that damn Tar, that damn Plague...
Damning anything won't help anyone though.


god I don't know. I'm sorry. I need to get ready for therapy, I have to leave early, I can't type anymore here now.
Sorry everyone for being a mess. Maybe I'm a contaminant.
But I want to help. I sincerely want to help. I'm scared but I don't want to sabotage this anymore and I DON'T WANT US TO BE SICK ANYMORE.
If there's a way for US to be healthy... if there's...
...

If there's a way for me to be a part of us,
if there's a way for us to exist without trauma, at all,
let it be.


Jewel sees us in third-person. She sees us bright and colorful and destined for liberation, already redeemed in her timeless sight, never lost or broken at all, just on the road forwards...
She sees us as something complete and good, somehow.

...Other people do too. Somehow. Somehow. They've made me aware of that.
There are people who know our System and I know they're reading this and... thank you?
It sounds ridiculous and whiny but it's all I can say. It's the only thing that crackles out in words.
I can't really see that. I'm stuck in this bad state, currently. I want a different "anchor." But seeing there's still something good in here helps.


I need to stop typing. I'm making myself sick. No wonder the other people in here are suffering. I feel sick, to be around. My vibration is pretty low with all this depression and rage. No wonder people don't like me being out. Problem is I'm stubborn, I don't let other people be around, because I don't want there to be "other people," because I'm scared of not existing.... even though I don't want to exist anyway... it's stupid.
Maybe I'll talk about this with the therapist today.

Goodbye, that's it for me typing right now.

 

 

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@ 01:21 am

 

 

So, LYNNE FRONTED IN THERAPY TODAY and it was VERY SIGNIFICANT ACTUALLY.

She stuck around for a while, at least five solid minutes. Centralites don't typically front at ALL, let alone for that long without a Social pushing them out, or them being called back Upstairs.
In the process, she realized something that I was reflecting on the whole drive home.

The people inside, those whose roles are almost exclusively for our inner world... are somewhat detached from the physical body as a whole, to the point where they might not understand exactly what's happening with it.
The therapist was asking us if we felt anything while reading this entry, as she knows many of us struggle with understanding/feeling emotions. And there was emotion welling up, at that last paragraph... there was a tangible heartache in the chest, something real and strong and sad. But there was a glass wall between it and the body.
We realized that the "AP" is still a thing, albeit a thing that is somewhat different than we previously thought. It operates almost like a "conglomerate;" it is not a bundle of programming, but it is not a person either. Instead it works like an "empty entity" that takes simultaneous influence from all of us inside, all at once. It's tricky to put into words. But, when faced with that question, it said no-- no, it did not personally feel any emotions, BUT "there were still emotions being felt." It explained that it itself neither felt nor understood emotion. HOWEVER it was clearly aware that inside, other alters were feeling emotion, and there was also that original author's emotional residue. So that emotional feeling existed within, and the AP was aware of it... but it was like it was behind a pane of glass. Recognition, observance, knowledge was there... but no understanding, not personally so. No empathy, not personally so. No feeling. Does that make sense?
Laurie must have tried to front for a minute. There's vague data of her shifting in the chair and thinking, somewhat boggled, "the body is too small for me." But then she was gone, leaving an oddly shaken aura in her wake.
And then... Lynne came out. She said she had come out to spare Laurie the trouble-- "she's secretly the most emotional of all of us, I think." She explained that Laurie had seen more of the downstairs troubles firsthand than anyone else in Central, had worked with the Cores closely enough to understand their pain, to really be able to empathize with that entry's author, to the point of pained tears and anger.
And then Lynne paused, saying... "I can sympathize, but I can't empathize. And that makes me really uncomfortable."
She sat there for a minute, feeling her overlay-- the long curly hair, the difference in her eyes, the difference in her form-- to keep any Socials from pushing her out. I don't recall exactly what she said next, but the sentiment is clear. She wasn't used to this.
It's so important. It's so important, and I cannot BELIEVE we didn't quite grasp this before.
Inside, we've been "slacking off" because most of us DON'T GET IT. We DON'T understand what the Socials and other Downstairs voices are going through. Most Centralites have NEVER eaten, or spoken to the family, or been sick, or felt retribution, or been in the presence of a hacking influence. Most people inside don't even know what it's like to be IN a physical body, let alone a physical life.
Here we are wondering why we haven't been able to help, why the lower-level alters are rejecting us, why we're so confused and at a loss as to how to progress... and that is why.
We always used to wonder at how other Systems functioned, when they were "out" all the time. That was alien to us. Our life... our situation didn't allow it.
But that's new, too. Our life. Our past. Our body. Lynne noticed it too. Those of us inside... we didn't think like that. We called it the body, or the physical family... we always held it at arm's length, always at a distance, like we were watching a film. Always too detached from it.
We forgot, or maybe we never quite learned in the first place, that we are ALL SHARING THIS LIFE. We might pay that fact lip service, but that's about it. Most of us have never FELT that truth before, like Lynne chose to today, and rather courageously held on to.

It's huge. I'm having trouble putting it into words.
But again, it feels deep, like it's an ancient obstacle to our growth and healing that only now has been realized. And that makes a lot of sense, because as they say, a house divided against itself cannot stand. That still counts, if you don't realize you're even sharing a house with someone. We're on the second floor and we've somehow been virtually ignorant of the fact that there's a whole damn other world DOWNSTAIRS, too.

It's going to be interesting. I remember reading First Person Plural, how much of an impact that book had on us... how one of the biggest pieces of advice the author got was that he had to learn to trust his alters, to let them out too, to let them be a part of their shared life. The more he ignored them, the more he kept them inside and forbade them from LIVING in the "outside world" as well as the inside... all of them would suffer.
A System is a System. Ours works differently than his, in the book, but at heart it's always close enough. We need to unite our levels better. We need to start using the stairs again, so to speak. We need to bridge yet another gap, haha.



In other news.
Jewel has spent the past two nights solid researching Egyptian myths, religious virtues/vices, and Biblical prophets for the sake of Dream World. Kid goes hardcore, what can I say. But we're making lots of progress there. We're proud of her, for never giving up.
There's SO MUCH to read though, geez. It's exhausting. If there's one thing Jewel needs to learn how to do, it's take a break. The word "moderation" doesn't seem to apply to her creative ethic, and that's a problem, because then she gets burned out and projects collapse halfway through the research phase. Seriously you can't expect to understand everything in one sitting, you can't read five books in one day. It takes time. You're tied to Cel; go talk to her about that maybe. Patience, and prudence. Focus on one bit at once maybe.
There's another bit of bleedover. She's blind to us mostly. She doesn't realize, either, that her overworking the mind is affecting us, too. She reads for hours, and then leaves, and our internal environment gets so wound up from the sheer amount of input that it takes nothing short of immediate meditation to heal. Just "unplug" for a bit and let the head decompress. Problem is we haven't been giving ourselves time for that. We keep getting more and more work piled on us. The desk's a mess right now, it's not helping.
Bottom line here: slow down, Jewel! We know you want to get work done, but it's impossible to get it ALL done AT ONCE. You're in this body with us, and it needs to be taken care of. Let it sleep and rest.

...We're also thinking about the thing that our still-unnamed alter wrote, earlier-- the bit about social contamination.
It's scary, actually, to realize how accurate that is. We spent way too much time "socializing" since college, even if it was just burying ourself online in the misplaced desperate obligation to be "normal," or "good" according to God-knows-what code or creed. We got lost. Very lost.
We need to crack down and re-evaluate our ENTIRE moral code right now. We need to sit down and discuss what we value, what we protect, what we strive for, what we stand against, et cetera. And then we need to focus on that, we need to re-affirm that daily, we need to practice that truth. We need to live our Virtues, so to speak. We need to go back to being US, to being the rainbow-true System we are at heart, and have lost sight of lately. We've lost coherence, but we can heal that. So that's our job. Easter is fast approaching, but we're going to push our personal "Lent" until the body's birthday (a month later), as things have been very rocky since Ash Wednesday and we want to do better.


There's still a lot of psychological resistance in this head that is tied to the Downstairs. It's all fog, it's all steel wool.
There's so much old, internalized shame and pain, it's sabotaging a great many efforts. "We want to be good," one says. "No, we ARE good," Jay steps in. And then the damaged lower ones shout, "no we're not, we're EVIL!"
Why don't they allow healing to happen? Why can't they accept that healing, that they CAN be good, not "evil?" Why do they cling to that self-hatred, to the bitter resignation to the lie that they "can't improve?" Who told them they were irredeemable? Who crushed them under that falsehood?
We have so much virtue in here, so much light, but we also have so much vice and shadow. How much of it is "ours" and how much of it is introjected, taken on out of force, out of shame, out of fear?
Contamination. Spend too much time in the abyss and it begins to leak into your bones. Our socials, the damaged ones, spent too much time mired in what "other people" said and felt, all that bitter blood and hate... they began to forget who THEY were, outside of that, before that, after that.
Solitude is a virtue. It really is. There's nothing wrong with it. We really need to allow ourself(ves) to have it again, paradoxically.

Sorry this is mostly repetition. It just gains extra layers of meaning every time it is re-discussed, I've noticed.

It's late and we're tired and I'm tired of ignoring the sadness that comes up at this hour, the sad soft things in the shadows that want us to pay attention to them. Laurie still wants a Xanga session, and that may be the best thing for us right now. There are too many loose ends around us, too much unfinished business and ignored troubles. We really have been slacking off. That changes now, if I have anything solid to say about it.

It might snow tomorrow. Last snow of winter, maybe. You can bet I'll be outside to enjoy it, no matter what I have to fight to get there.

Good night to all of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are trying way too hard.
We're thinking too much, and we're losing sight of what we're actually supposed to be doing.

I noticed this happens when I try to work on technical information for Dream World, too, or any other Leagueworld. Every time I start getting overly analytical, I get so frustrated and sick and tired that I want to cry. Even if I'm interested, even if I'm making progress, even if I'm in a good mood... it doesn't matter. Too much thinking = instant exhaustion and depression.
That's what's been happening today. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's going on with the corrupt energy up here, so we can avoid encountering or exacerbating it again, but the more I research and write, the more headaches I get. And thanks to my moral upbringing, I can't tell if that's good or bad? Is that my body telling me, "stop it, this isn't something you should spend time thinking about," OR is it some darker force doing that on purpose, trying to keep me from making beneficial progress? How do I know? It's like when I was growing up, I could never tell if my pains and terrors were "punishment," or "tests." The former was because I was bad, and the latter was because I was good. But which was it? I never knew.
I still don't. In 2011 the Tar told me it needed to exist, in order for me to understand what "the right thing" was. But was it lying? Why would I need dichotomy to comprehend goodness? CAN I be good WITHOUT its sinful balance, if that's true? That feels utterly wrong, but... I don't know.


It's funny, but I'm glad-- since I'm one of the few fronters in the System, I'm the only one that has to deal with the eating disorders and gender dysphoria and PTSD triggers there firsthand. Sure, it leaks through, but I'm glad that I'm the one that has to take the brunt of it. I wouldn't want anyone else in the System having to struggle with this.

I know Infi said most post-2010 memories should be mine, but did he forget about the Scratch? I'm reviewing things from 2011 and I swear to you, I do not remember them. Most of 2012 is also gone. I have no idea whose memories these are. It's scary at times, but it is totally true. Nevertheless that worries me. I didn't realize I was dissociating regularly until THIS APRIL. And the Undergrounders found explicit proof of that happening back in 2010, during the first SLC trip, which I do not remember at all. I don't. There are two or three location memories, but nothing firsthand, again. Do you know how bizarre that is, to know that things happened, but to see them all as an outside observer in memory, as someone that wasn't actually there? Who in the world was in charge, for that whole time?
...I think I know why infi said "should." Wasn't 2010 the year that the main fronter's inner presentation color changed from red to white? So yes, by that train of thought, their memories "should" be mine, as I'm that color now... but, looking back on what the Undergrounders showed me, whoever had White back then apparently held the negative side of it. That person was NOT a nice person. Is that where all this internal corruption came from? I don't want to go through the archives and look for what they did to put all this poison in here, as that attention will just make it louder and stronger... but again, is that the smartest move? Is that the correct decision?
I know I keep trying to clear things out, meditating and healing, but do I need specifics? Can I generally try and get rid of the corruption as a whole, or do I need to chip away at it? People tell me, "don't identify with it," and I don't, but acknowledging that it exists feels like I'm doing that. It's confusing. That's why I tend to ignore any and all pain. Saying "yes, there is pain and fear and anger," feels like I'm making those feelings a part of who I am. That's a scary feeling in and of itself, so I just stay sparkle-eyed and away from it.
That's why I don't have any past memories, I would think. Because, post-reset and all that, all those past emotions and thoughts and memories got stripped from me, leaving nothing but this childlike innocence behind, incapable of even thinking the way they did. But then... now what? By virtue of my forced naivete I can't function in the waking world, there are too many triggers that exist whether or not I want them to. But they need to be acknowledged to be healed... but paying attention to them makes them louder... what do I do?
I've been going in circles for years, I'd gather, if this still hasn't been solved. But how do we solve it, if there is nothing to solve in my eyes? If I see all the pain and fear as false, as "not real," there's nothing for me but wide-eyed wonder and a total detachment from the trauma of the past. But that trauma still lingers, even if its only proof is the Tar, and the hacks that used to use me specifically because of my ignorance of them. I don't know if that was mentioned recently, but that's why the morning hacks always happened. I just learned that those were hopefully fixed, but I'll admit, it's my fault that they occurred. I'd want to talk with Infinitii, or spend time with him or anything, but then something would be "triggered" and then I'd be gone, because by my function, I am not CAPABLE of fronting when a trigger happens! And then suddenly I'd come back, and Infi would be crying and scared, and I'd know something had hurt him but I'd tell him "everything will be okay" and then I'd go on my merry way. And it wasn't until much later that I'd learn that something had happened while I'd been away, someone had used the body to harm Infi, to harm other people too, and I'd be torn inside because I don't want them to be hurt, but... what do I do? What can I do? Am I even supposed to tackle this problem, or is that someone else's playing field? Do I stay the innocent core, the reminder of what we were BEFORE the trauma happened, forever untouched by it, OR do I forever shatter that innocence by trying to keep everyone else from suffering the trauma that happened anyway?
Geez I don't know. I really don't know. And that breaks my heart because I'm happy, I am so happy, but I know there are malicious things in this body besides me, and even if they can't hurt me directly, they can very easily use me to hurt someone else. And I don't want that happening anymore.

Javier is getting a better anchor upstairs. He's learned that he can't jump straight into fronting, because he doesn't have an "identity" to front with yet, so he can't interact with the waking world obviously. I wonder if other systems have troubles like that? We never had many "social" fronters, because we had no need or desire to go outside of the mind. Only Jewel (the original) and Celebi did, but they spent their time drawing or going online. I know we had a few online people, but then that spinningcannon person kind of tripped the alarm system by deciding she was going to start interacting with people directly? And then that forced out everyone that had stayed hidden inside up to that point. I guess in an ironic way we have to thank her for exhuming us all, but man, it sure was scary at first, with everyone having to deal with that rush of revealed pain and fear all at once. Thank goodness Laurie was the first headvoice to manifest, otherwise I don't think anyone would have survived. But yeah, because 90% of our trauma happened internally, most of us stayed inside. The people fronting outside didn't know about us until many many years later! And we're still trying to catch the attention of some of them. The Autopilot was the main one though-- it had no identity of its own, existing as a collection of stock phrases and obligations, and we didn't even learn how to control it until sometime in late 2010. But it fronts, because it is easy for it to do so, as it doesn't have to worry about a self or anything that goes with that. Whereas everyone inside, we have our own identities and roles and responsibilities, and if we were suddenly forced to go and front in the body, which is strange and weird and lives a life we don't understand, that would be extremely stressful! So the AP does it instead, and we stay inside, and live our lives in here.

We've found out that the Autopilot defaults to "yes" when it isn't given an order, which explains a lot of the trouble it used to get us in. Even in a dangerous situation, if someone didn't ORDER IT NOT TO, it would default to going ahead anyway. Isn't that weird? But in a way that's good to know, because now we can give it very specific instructions and forbiddances, and if we repeat those over and over they stick as parts of its program. But we have to overwrite a LOT of old bad programs first. Also it places everyone else automatically at a priority higher than itself-- which is kind of helpful for the eating disorders, because if you repeatedly program it that certain trigger foods "belong to someone else," it will avoid them all the time because it doesn't want to "steal them." But like we said, a LOT needs to be overwritten first, including the biting compulsion, which poor Emmett is stuck to too, as are most of the food and stress alters. Still it's a start, now that we know HOW to program it.
Javier gave it a VERY STRICT ORDER that, if someone tries to manipulate it into doing something even vaguely sexual, it is NOT ALLOWED to take any action UNTIL it asks the kids upstairs whether or not they agree to it. If even one of them says no, the Autopilot MUST SAY NO, no matter what. Javier said that defaulting to "yes" in a harmful situation, just because "no one told it to refuse," was causing a great deal of trauma to the kids, and it was ignoring their rights to both safety and free speech. (Javier is very big on rights and safety). He emphasized this very loudly, making it clear that there were to be no exceptions. So we'll have to repeat that every day. I know there WAS an attempt by Julie to hack it sometime today, but it DID ask David, and he immediately shouted "no," so the Autopilot repeated that and left. Julie was stunned but absolutely livid, because she had apparently counted on the AP's inability to refuse up to this point. So maybe now we'll have a lot less hacks when no one is driving or watching the AP like a hawk, which is often.

Speaking of memories, Waldorf reminded us today that she has all the media memories of the past that she can access in the archives, which no one else has access to. The only thing she can't get is Pokemon stuff, as that was it's own division for many years, and Celebi has that instead. But Waldorf remembers the books and movies and games that the teenage fronters were interested in, since she originally would take pieces from ALL of them for inspirational purposes. So that's cool. If anyone needs that stuff we can go to her.
Celebi is just so mad that the Tar was pretending to be a member of her species for that long while. Cel herself was our main fronter around 2001, but she stayed online, or in videogames. She and Jewel were aware of each other back then and fronted at different times, but they both effectively stopped fronting once spinningcannon showed up in 2004, and that's when the infamous high school time gap of 4 years happens! Oh well. That's not what I'm talking about. Celebi is just very angry that her existence was used as a springboard for the Tar to get at J, whoever he was back then, whenever the Tar-Celebi stuff happened. She's not holding a grudge, she's just mad! But I don't blame her.

Oh, also Josephina loves Javier's hair, and got upset when he found out that we wouldn't be letting Javier do that to the body, nor would we be letting him get gauges and lip piercings, haha. Still, maybe we can get Jo to help us with clarifying Javier's outfit on that Subeta generator thing, as that does help very much with visual anchors, plus he needs to be in the lineup pictures for heaven's sakes. So does Emmett, but he's so utterly non-humanoid we're going to have to Photoshop most of him in! Oh well, needs to be done. I know we did that for a bunch of people, notably Wally, Chaos, Knife and Xenophon... go take a look, it's impossible to actually have those avatars on the site!


Let's get back to the energy stuff from earlier. Let me back in, please.
Here, let's just post what was written earlier about the B/W energy, and Pink as well. It could be relevant, who knows.
This is all assumed accurate, at least in the current time period, unless later stated to be otherwise.

 

"White energy is INDIVIDUALLY CREATIVE ENERGY. Black energy is the source of the "merge drive," which J originally thought was reproductive, due to not having knowledge of other contexts. But it is the EXACT OPPOSITE: merge drives seek loss of self, they seek total unity. They have NO reproductive capacity because they seek to make everything one. White energy, however, deals with making "one from many," with the value of the individual self. It multiplies life, instead of consolidating it.
This is where corruptive confusion comes in. White energy does not create in a sexual context unless you ANCHOR it to the physical, and even then it only operates as a basic reproductive drive, the same thing everything from ants to amoebas operate on. It is NOT some sort of dangerous lustful thing like the equally corrupted Pink energy kept promoting.
But THIS is why Pink got so confusing over the years. Pink energy deals with affection, with childlike intimacy, with romantic but chaste love. It is inherently NON-SEXUAL. Julie, when she was originally created, only wore that color as a symbol of femininity, NOT as sexuality. Julie was also INNOCENT at her manifestation, as was the Pink energy, the way it should be. HOWEVER, our original fronter created her as a vessel for their thoughts of hatred and negativity: thoughts that were shoved into the subconscious, becoming the Tar. This entity acted like a parasite, eventually darkening Julie's color, although that total distortion didn't happen until about 5 years later: outside influences plus buried negativity turned Julie abusive, and since she worked through Pink, this tainted our original fronter's perception of that color and its aspects indelibly: Pink then became the brazen sexualization of all things feminine and intimate, EVEN children like they were. On that note, Julie's color pink and the REAL color pink each have very different energy vibes, which only contributed to confusion and mislabeling, due to J not even being aware of the latter UNTIL NOW.

 

Nevertheless, J has been WELL aware of the difference between pink energy and sexuality since FEBRUARY 2011, although it admittedly didn't "register" until January 2012 (when his psyche split further, creating Eros to help fix any misrouting). Regardless, this vital difference has been repeated to him several times since then, by many different people, but J eventually began to ignore these admonishments due to crushing doubt, self-loathing, and fear. It is unknown when his psyche made the sudden and drastic switch from "true" pink affection to the corrupted sort, where he began to see everything as sexual, but that event needs to be pinpointed and then healed.
THAT is what happened to fracture J's psyche so severely concerning all his relationships. His strange, admittedly compulsory pursuit of "pink connections" held starkly contrasting motivations and results. He was seeking affection and childlike love, but since the Pink energy was corrupted into something darkly perverted, suddenly he found all his relationships becoming shallow and devoid of real closeness, tainted by his absolute misunderstanding of what the words "relationship" and "love" meant in the first place. To J, every hint of closeness, even familial closeness, was sexualized. It is no surprise at all that he could never let go of his pain and trauma, because he didn't understand what was actually happening both to him, and within his own misinformed mind.

 

Tainted Black energy holds all negative energy that lingers in the subconscious mind: violence, hatred, rage, lust, etc. It is thick, heavy, and pitch-like, unlike pure Black energy, which is a soft shadowy black, and freely moving like air or silk.
Tainted White energy holds all negative energy that lingers in the conscious mind: manipulation, pride, apathy, blasphemy, etc. It is crystallized and sharp, unlike pure White energy, which is insubstantial, warmly white and glowing.

 

Furthermore, J's entire understanding of "connection levels" in the past was FALSE, as it was based on a total misunderstanding of how energy worked, as well as how connections worked. So all previous data on those can be safely discarded. Keep in mind that he stole that term from Dream World in 2011, and blatantly misused it in a completely different context."


That's all that was written, hopefully it's relevant.
I do want to add something, in light of that last paragraph.
HEADSPACE CHANGES CONSTANTLY. THIS INCLUDES ALL OF OUR OBSERVATIONS ABOUT IT.
What may be true today MAY NOT BE TRUE TOMORROW.
This is an incredibly important observation that all inhabitants of headspace MUST keep in mind. Our world evolves and shifts according to what it is needed to be, or become, and therefore what worked in the past may suddenly no longer work, and be redefined in an instant.
This fact does ring true for the strange old "connection levels" concept J invented in the past. That entire train of thought is no longer true, nor does it apply to current headspace reality.
This is why one must ALWAYS be prudent in browsing the archives, as they include data as it was entered at the time, and it has NOT been altered to reflect current truths and/or untruths. I am considering adding a tag to the archive, to notify readers of now-false data, or data which was later proved false to begin with. It would help alleviate a great deal of confusion.


I spoke to Christina today, both in and after church, for a little bit. She said she was doing a lot of praying and asked God to help her understand what was actually going on in her life up here? Something. All I remember for sure is that she now acknowledges that yes she is a headvoice, and yes she shares our reality. Also through honest prayer she was granted access to some parts of the archives (not surprisingly, as she is a Violet headvoice), and she saw a lot of what we went through in the past? What she saw I don't know, but it forced her to re-evaluate both her opinions of us (she's stopped calling us "heathens"), as well as her previous viewpoint that her faith was the ONLY faith and anyone that didn't follow it to the letter was "going to hell." She's still badly confused and existentially terrified of course, but she's making progress, and that's very admirable considering how hard this is for her. But I told her that my role, and the big central tenet of headspace, was that we try to base everything on mutual compassion and love, for each other and for our shared life. And I told her how, even if I wasn't a Christian like her, I still greatly admired and agreed with many of Christ's teachings, as did most of us up here-- because it's moral common sense really, and I personally believe that a good deal of those teachings simply clarify that EVERYONE has not just the potential, but the ability to be "Christlike," by virtue of God being love and us imitating Christ by expressing unconditional love... etc. etc. etc. It's the kind of stuff you can't put into words well or you lose the point. But yeah, she's now willing to work with us on our level, instead of looking down on us condescendingly, which is nice. And I told her she can still think of herself as an angel if she wanted (she was convinced she was one for a long time), as long as she doesn't let that thought get her all tainted with the corrupted White and its insidiously malevolent moral superiority.

What's happened to my faith? That's the question I have right now. With all the spiritual people saying "all your beliefs are wrong" due to limiting my view of truth, and being forced to see the inherent neutrality of everything that used to shred my bones to pieces... somewhere along the line I stopped acting like much of a believer. I'm still aware of love in everything. I still have a deep unflinching awareness of the greater good in all things, even the scary things. But I don't "worship" like Christina does. Her fervency feels alien and unsettling to me. Is that bad, for me to not be able to worship so zealously anymore? I can't tell. I'm just haunted by her old words, by the words my grandmother spoke years before I met her, by condemnations and fears of damnation sneaking behind my ribs, coloring my blood dark in the night. I don't like that. But I don't want ice running through my veins either.
There is a fine line between humility, pride, and self-hatred, and I have trouble seeing it anymore. I stopped listening to my heart when it became an alarm bell for the pain I couldn't bear to feel anymore. I have more faith in Infi and Laurie than I ever did in myself, and when Infi suddenly became a threat to my well-being, against his will and mine... well, I think a lot of my faith in the big picture died a little.
I'm still not sure what to do with this. But I'll keep my heart and mind as open as I can get them, without causing myself to start gushing red again.

Hyakin was in my dream last night?? I think other people were too, but I woke up too suddenly, he's the only one I remember seeing. I spent the whole dream at the music store I talked about yesterday, there was this gang hanging out there spraypainting stuff, and I was telling them what I remembered of that building and the coffeeshop, how beautiful it was to me. I showed them around, oddly the music shop had been turned into someone's house? We all went inside and I said this building had been like home to me, even now that it was so dramatically different I still felt safe there. A few of the gang guys agreed, surprised they said they felt at home there too, it must have been the general vibe of the place. I know they tagged the coffeeshop building, it was still empty. But I remember Hyakin was standing by the road there, I think he was talking to someone, was it Sergei maybe? Either way that's all I recall clearly. Later in the dream I was playing Pokemon Y and I was laughably saddened when I woke up and remembered, "wait, I don't even have a 3DS!" But it was nice. I think I had a Dragalge on my team, aww yes.

Jewel keeps wanting to work on Dream World but it's tough, because she needs to cut off entirely from headspace to do that, and she can't do that when we keep getting red alerts and triggers and stuff. But she's getting impatient because it's been like two weeks? I don't remember. It's been too long. There's gotta be a better way to divvy up time with all of us, so she can work and we can try to heal stuff, without her work being put on hold for years (which it was) or us having to sit with the same old pains for years because no one is looking at it (which has happened too). Where is a happy medium! This is ridiculous sometimes. We're trying to find ways into the Leagueworlds in case headspace ever does collapse for good, a few of us have places already, but not all of us, because it's tough to find fitting positions as well as open timelines! But DW is probably everyone's best bet as that's such a far-reaching realm the way it is. We'll see.

We have our own Last.fm now, separate from the original one that holds our entire old libraries. We're going to use this new one to categorize our own playlists and stuff, because one of the previous fronters kept deleting our stuff from the original account, and we don't want that happening anymore.
Also guess what, I'M STARTING TO ORDER THE BEADS. I'm making a few custom orders and finding colors for a few final people, but the project is officially under way now! Also Celebi is now the one pushing us to actually do the "personal box" thing downstairs as well, but now the question is, what do we use as boxes? How big? We'll have to find out. She just wants a place to put her Pokemon cards and orange ginger mints, hehe. But hey, that's HER stuff, that's a very important thing. It's nice to have stuff downstairs that's ours too.
Speaking of. In light of talking to Christina today, J really wants to try and bring Julie back. Apparently he's feeling a lot of despair from her? Like she really doesn't know who she is or what she wants, she's being pulled in all directions by all sorts of different things. But J is the kind of softie that will ALWAYS give someone a second chance, or a second thousandth chance, and he's the guy that apparently got Julie to join us for a while last year. J says he supposes maybe she's remembering that, since the Pink slot is redefining itself at long last, and looking for a new core slot holder. Eros is trying to manifest again, he was talking to Laurie "telepathically" for a while this morning while she was with Javier, she was really mad at first because last week or so when he got taken back out of J, he was REALLY messed up from the energy being equally damaged again. But he demanifested and now he's trying to come right back that same way, so Laurie had to go all gung-ho and tell him that PINK IS DIFFERENT NOW, it's no longer tied to the old corruption so he CAN'T come back as he was previously. It took a little bit but she apparently got through to him? So if he wants to be the Pink core he CANNOT be tied to sexual abuse or rerouting in ANY way, he has to work as a sort of "role model" for the other Pinks, that's the wrong term but it's close? Like if you hold a core slot, you HAVE to reflect that energy's characteristics in a true and good way, so that everyone else in that color (who have variations of that core energy) can look to you for grounding and stuff. You're not superior to them as a core, you just have a very strict job! But we haven't had a core Pink person EVER, besides Julie trying to be one for a year but she had the wrong color, so whoever gets it now would have a lot on their heads in terms of responsibility. I know Knife is kind of the "placeholder" Pink leader, ironically as he has the darkest shade of it and wasn't very compassionate at all originally, but he's made incredible progress towards that so people look to him. Anyway that's that. We think that if Julie comes back she won't be allowed to be the core, even if she changes her color, but then again who knows? Things change so fast, nothing is ever set in stone, all we can do is guess and then sit back and watch. Whether we're right or wrong doesn't really matter most of the time, as long as we can grow for the better from the answer (or lack thereof) that we get.

Last note. Jay here. This is what I was trying to say with the first sentence.
Love, love is what we need to remember, at all costs even. Remember we CAN'T fight the Tar or the Plague, both of them get stronger the more violence and rage is around them. Laurie had to throw her axe to the ground and use the Angel Helmet the last time they showed up, even she couldn't get them to stop with weapons! So you see, we cannot fight fire with fire.
But it's not just "fighting." It's healing too, more than anything. Forgiveness and love.
I've realized that, over the years, I've been slowly pushed to forgive more and love more. It got harder and harder as I grew, the fronters changed, but some weird bloodline followed me even until now. I thought it was hard to forgive Julie, but I did. I thought it was hard to forgive Celebi, but I did. Then Chaos became the source of pain, but I still managed to forgive him... and when I thought that was as tough as it could ever get, suddenly Infinitii became the one I had to forgive. But I did.
And now, it's just hit me. I'm at the hardest part ever now.
It's not forgiving the Tar and the Plague. I know, and have always known, that they are actually incredibly easy to forgive, because they are cruel by their nature, and even in their cruelty they help me learn and grow. It's so easy to forgive something that's as black-and-white as that in terms of morality, for me at least. But when the morality is grey, when someone who loves you hurts you by accident, when it wasn't intentional or when they didn't think it would hurt... somehow, for me, that is so much harder to forgive. I have no problems forgiving someone who hurts me on purpose, even with the intent to harm or maim. I don't know why. But when someone damages me so badly, without meaning to... why is that so hard to forgive?
And that's the hilariously ironic bit of all this. That's what makes my final task of love and forgiveness the absolute hardest, something I avoided for years, something I was so blinded to that I didn't even realize it was necessary until it became too important to ignore anymore.
The last person I have to forgive, the last thing I have to learn to love, against all odds... is myself.


I think that's all we needed to say for today? Boy this entry was a mess. We've been severely dissociated all day so we're not sure what's going on much, or who needs to say what.
But it looks like a lot of good and important things were said today, and that makes me happy, so good night!

 

 

 

 

 

guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh no." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "f*** you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

 

 

 

 

That title just popped into my head when I sat down to write this, so there it is.

Anyway.
I am SO confused right now.
I'm trying to review old entries from 2008 in the archive, and most of this stuff makes no sense. Plus the fronter from that time period was jarringly dramatic, so it's psychologically difficult for me to read.
I don't even know if I should be reading these things. They're digging up FAR too much old tar, and old memories that I buried for my own psychological safety. But maybe I need to face that stuff again.
I'm just not looking forward to how the lower system will react. That's making life a literal living hell right now. Yes, half of me loves them-- really, their role here is vital and I appreciate what they're doing-- but half of me is so tired of dealing with them, as they're all so broken and terrified and angry and violent. But I can't blame them. They hold all of the past trauma, for everyone else's sake. That's not fair at all. They have every right to be vicious. But... it's tiring.
It's tiring to wake up every morning with everyone fighting over the body: what it will do, what it will look like, where it will go, what it will eat, what it will say, so on and so forth. And it NEVER STOPS during the day. When one of the "non-alters" (the ones who insist "no one exists") takes over, it's almost a relief... if they weren't so horrifically suicidal, that is. So they're tired in an entirely different way.

The lowers try so hard, though. It's shocking now that they're acting out as their own coherent system, and not just a jumble of disembodied voices.
Today, some faceless female alter started trying to binge on chocolate as soon as we walked in the door. Normally I can't do anything about that as I'm not present... but the lowers were around. Knife got pissed, shoved her out of the way, and spat out what she was trying to eat. Then he told Emmett to front, so that the body could eat something healthy instead, since Emmett only eats green food (we hadn't eaten since 4PM the previous day I think? one meal a day is the norm now). And now, looking back on that memory of theirs, I am SHOCKED to see that Emmett not only fronted, he fronted WELL. Well enough that, as soon as he "anchored in," his first thought was "why is my mouth so short?" He kept chewing big bites with his mouth wide open, all exaggerated, trying to make his face "elongate." He got really distressed over everything feeling wrong. Then he realized there was more of a body beneath the head, and that made him anxious to the point where someone else stepped in. They told him to just relax and eat, while they moved the hands to feed him the food. It was so bizarre, it was like there were LITERALLY two people there. And then it got even crazier. The mother was in the kitchen then, and asked the body a question-- but neither Emmett nor the unknown girl moving the hands heard her, OR answered. A third person did. THREE PEOPLE WERE IN THE BODY THEN. All I know is that they somehow spoke through Emmett eating, and it's described as "like it was a recorded sound being played?" Like his biting didn't even affect the voice, like the mouth didn't move to speak at all, it just responded. So I don't know if that was the AP? But geez that is insane. I didn't know any of that could even happen.
I can barely believe this stuff is happening at all. I'm not fronting when it does, so I'll not know what's going on for hours, and then I'll look at what memories I have access to and I see stuff like this. It's... I don't know what to make of it yet.

All I know for sure is that this DID thing is getting disturbingly real.
Honestly, even our most doubtful members are finding themselves forced to admit that "I can't really pretend this isn't happening anymore." I'm not sure why the undergrounders banding together suddenly punched the intensity of this through the roof, but... it makes sense, conceptually. Like I said, they're the oldest voices up here; they just haven't had lives until now.
Let me give you an example.
We went to a novena with the grandmother today. I don't know who got dressed, but the body was wearing shorts and tights when we started driving. When the lower system realized it, three of the traumatized boys and the overload girl started screaming. One of the little boys began hyperventilating. It was too triggering, too scary. But someone was already driving the body, and we couldn't stop it; lower people aren't allowed to front normally. So it was like hell, knowing that's what we were wearing, and we couldn't do anything about it. Plus the grandmother was there of course, and most of the lower people either hate her, or are scared to death of her. I know Razor and the overload girl actually tried to mentally gang up on her at one point, desperate to get rid of her somehow, to make the terror go away. They do that a lot.
Memories are choppy. I don't remember getting there. I remember sitting in the inside of the church and looking at the altar, and suddenly feeling TERRIFIED because it reminded me of Infinitii but that reminded the lowers of traumatic abuse and people started to shriek again. And I was scared too. THIS, this holy thing, was now a trigger?? And THAT bad?? I didn't know what to do. No one did really. We were so dissociated, so shaken... and then a FREAKING BABY STARTED CRIYNG DSFMND
(sorry that's the lowers)
Sorry. there was... a child in the church. You'll understand that I have no recollection of it other than the fact, because about five or six people downstairs lost it when they heard it. It was a cacophany of fear and pain and rage and terror and hate.
Somewhere around here there was a really sickening jolt, in the mind and body... some sort of convulsive shiver, like an elevator dropping a few feet, the room spinning back with a punch to the face. And in an instant, I felt the active level SWITCH.
Suddenly the lowers were back underground, mercifully free from having to front at that time-- and Central was back in the front seat.
Then I was upstairs-- me, J! I remember that much. (I haven't been typing this entry btw, sorry I didn't clarify that; things are too messy to do so lots of times.) I was talking to Xenophon and explaining to her that the lower system felt pain differently than most. To them, sharp physical pain-- blood and knives and scars-- was almost comforting. It was reassuring to know exactly what it was, and why it happened. To them, that kind of pain was good, it was sensible. But hearing a child? That was horrifying. Same with being touched, even just a poke on the shoulder. I explained to Xennie that even though that didn't physically hurt, it hurt them emotionally and psychologically. To them, a touch or a sound like that was so triggering, that it felt like a warning siren... one they couldn't escape from, one that was lethal. To them, it meant that within the next few seconds, they WERE going to be hurt again... badly. But although that didn't always happen, they could not afford to take chances. So they lived in terror of those things, never feeling safe, waiting to be attacked by that child or that person, just so it would "be over with" and they could run away somewhere else. I remember the catatonic red voice came out when the others wouldn't stop screaming, for that very reason. He looks so much like me. It's heartbreaking.
The next thing I remember is Josephina driving.
Yes, JO!! Believe it or not, headvoices (Central people) don't usually front. That's not their job. But there he was, trying to keep things stable, as he was OK with the outfit and we were all vaguely aware that the lowers weren't happy with it.
Julie came out for a few seconds later-- there's a vivid memory of the very first instant she saw when she moved in, looking at the priest giving the homily. That is literally all I know of that.
I don't know how the rest of the service went. I don't know who fronted, when, or how.
But I CANNOT forget what that beginning time period felt like.
The undeniable, drastic switches... the inner turmoil... the knowing that I was only fronting for about five minutes...
This is getting really scary now. Sure, it was scary before, but... back during the "Julie days," at least "I" was the main person driving, until the infamous "mind leakage" thing with Laurie bleeding internally happened... and I at least KNEW who would hack me, and how... we knew her methods, and her triggers. We had a degree of control over the situation. But don't get me wrong, it was TRAUMATIC. The face-changing, the merciless humiliation, the... i dont want to write about it.
But it was that one thing to worry about. Just ONE THING.
Now... now there are 50 of us here, not 5. Those years of trauma broke us, badly. There are people downstairs who are so hurt that it breaks my heart on top of everything else. They're desperate, twisted, frightened souls, dark and bloody and bleeding, incapable of living the life they are forced to inhabit. Upstairs, we have it so easy now, compared to them.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
The point is this:
THIS IS REAL.
I can't deny that anymore.
This is real, this is hell, and for heaven's sake, we need help.


People are trying to talk to me on Skype and I really can't do it. It's emotionally draining to talk like this. I am literally cut-and-pasting responses, just spitting out stock phrases and one-word replies. No one's noticed yet. It's sick that we're so good at this.
The most painful part is that I have no ill will towards these people. If they want to talk to us, I don't want to be rude and refuse. But it's just so, so difficult. As soon as I close this window I'm probably going to collapse on the floor.
I want to leave and exercise or something but I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to apologize and excuse myself. I'd stay on here parroting responses until 1AM if that's how long it took for them to get tired of talking to me, even though I have classes tomorrow and those alone are stressful enough.
I don't want to think about this.
Maybe I can just... yank out the internet cable so I'll have an excuse as to why I suddenly disappeared. Maybe someone else can do it. I don't have the guts. But someone else would have to feel they had a good reason to do so. "We're not your playthings," they essentially say. "We're not your puppets. We don't have to do ANYTHING you tell us to." Which is correct. They are living beings just like me. They're not "accessories" to me, just because I'm shamefully "proud enough" to consider myself the main fronter here. I wish I weren't. I really, really wish I didn't have to be the one up front all the time, simply because I'm the easiest one for the AP to shove out of the way when things get awful and we need to pretend "everything is okay."
You do know that's why the AP exists, right? It's a buffer. It's a censor. Since headspace is always moving, always watching, our words and feelings and reactions WILL and DO leak out unless something is in the driver's seat preventing anything from translating. Hence the AP. But it's a curse, too. It means that we literally wear a voiceless mask all the time. It means we cannot interact with people outside of a program. It means that NO ONE IS ACTUALLY IN THE BODY 90% OF THE TIME, AND NO ONE OUTSIDE REALIZES IT. People know and love a construct. All of us, the ones who are really watching and feeling and living and breathing... we're hiding behind it, afraid to show our faces, afraid people won't accept our existences, afraid of dying again. And some of us are getting very, very angry about that fact.

I think that's old too. Which is why I'm re-reading the archives in the first place.
I remember way back, when there were only four or five of us known in the system? But no one was anchored, so behavior was weird, and unconsciously painted... and there was this ONE TIME Laurie and I were discussing Julie, and she described our resident pink shadow as a normal girl stuck inside our body.
I have NEVER forgotten that. It was so weird, because Julie IS an "introject;" whoever the main consciousness was in 1997 or so CREATED HER, fully consciously... created her to be a waste receptacle for all the "bad things" and "evil thoughts" that the original fronter had and didn't want.
But Laurie was right in a way, and we ALL forgot that fact. Julie was created as just a girl. Down to the bone, that's what she was. And then she was stuffed full of tar.
I've never thought of us all that way before. I've never... never respected our situation enough to look at it through a compassionate, humanitarian lens. We're all just people. Even the nonhumans here, haha. Seriously though, that's it. We're individuals with a different life situation than most. We've been through hell and back and we keep stumbling into new hells all the time. But we're PEOPLE!! We aren't delusions, or fantasies, or fake things... we are REAL PEOPLE and we have REAL LIVES and we need to remember that, I can't believe I literally never realized that before.

...I can't believe I never realized that before.


Excuse me please, I think I need to let all of this sink in.



There must be something that keeps me awake,
Or some kind of pill I can take,
To break these bad habits.

I would lie if I said that this didn't get tough,
Two left feet on the floor in a Waltz,
At an odd tempo.

Am I stuck at the ankle, or caught at the knee?
A curious puzzle still cursing me,
To follow or lead.

You gave me a heart and then taught me to hurt,
I can't tell just which option is worse,
Dying pure or aware.

So these feet keep on tripping in triplets to beats,
Too far off for my ears to reach,
Just a hint of timing.

Am I stuck at the ankle, or caught at the knee?
A curious puzzle still cursing me,
To follow or lead.

And I don't know where I'm going,
Cause I can't see the road, oh it's winding,
Just as long as I keep breathing,
I've got this uncomfortable feeling,
Heavy feet, shaky hands, troubled heart.

 

 

 

(uncensored. the shocking violence of this recording is seared into our memory anyway. changing it would mar the fearfulness of the truth.)

 

TRACK 44 (mid-july 2013)

(unknown; sounds like Razor at first, but switches during second sentence) You wanna record me? Fine. I don't usually front, because it's not my job to talk about SHIT, and I'm under no fcking obligation to record anything for YOU, especially not on a goddamned voice recorder.
(AP) This is the AP. The--zhzhzhzhzh *mumbles incoherently for several seconds, as if incapable of forming words*
(unknown female voice) FFFCKING sluts. GOD DAMN it. Fucking BUFFER makes it so that when there's a goddamn HUMAN around, WE CAN'T FCKING TALK. You son of a bitch. You fcking SON OF A BITCH! You know, you don't let us front any fcking time, you deny our goddamned fcking existence, and then you say, "oh, hey let's talk on this microphone so I can show a therapist." FCK YOU!! FCK YOU! I am under no goddamned obligation to justify MY goddamn existence to you. You fcking WHORE. Son of a BITCH. Is this proof enough for you? Goddamn idiot. Y'need me screaming into a goddamn microphone to be "oh hey, look, they must exist, there's a sound file." Fuck you, there's also SCARS up and down your goddamn legs, and ya don't think THAT'S proof enough. I--
(Knife, pre-anchor and manifestation) While we're recording, this is Knife. I don't have a voice, I don't have a face, and I am under no obligation to speak to you either. It's difficult for me to front, but if you want proof of my existence, here it is. I'm telling you this in advance, J, or whoever's the main fronter of this System… today you've earned for yourself a couple more battle scars, or as you like to call them, "marks of atonement." You've earned quite a few. So I will be handing that responsibility over to either myself or Razor, the instant we get the opportunity. I don't give a damn if you have to give six speeches wearing a bikini tomorrow. You will bleed for what you have done: to yourself, to us, and to no one in particular, because to be completely honest with you J, an individual such as yourself, sometimes deserves to bleed for no reason other than my enjoyment. And I will enjoy watching you bleed.
(Razor; not properly anchored, possibly co-fronting again) *giggling* I don't need to talk to you either but I think it'll be fun. I know you remember me, from two thousand… and something. You always say 2008, it might have been 2009, it wasn't 2010, although I know I was around then.
(sudden shift; Razor as herself) It's weird to front! How do you front all the time? This is weird. How do you front without wanting to kill people all the time. Look at them. Look at them. So many sharp things. So many breakable things. How do you not do it? But. I'll get a chance tonight. Like Knife said. I'm the one that gets the knife, and I'm the one that cuts you, because that's what I like to do. That's what I like to do, that's what I was born from, back when I was born, from blood and razors, in the bath water. And ever since then, I've been waiting, for every goddamn chance, to do that again because that's what I live for, and that's what you keep earning, according to Knife, and everyone else up here, you deserve every scar we give you, and until you stop hurting them, I won't stop cutting you, and you won't stop bleeding, and the scars won't ever go away, and I'll enjoy every moment of it. Every moment of it. 'Cause that's what I do. And that's my reason for existing. *giggling* If that's what you want to hear.
(Knife? pre-anchor and manifestation) I don't know if there's anyone else that wants to talk to you J, and, so, since I don't want to 'waste your precious recording time' or our precious time, I'm going to cancel this lovely chat. See you tonight. Bitch.