the spectrum heart cathedral system

[uncensored for brutal honesty]

proverbs 9:16-18


eating disorder hell.


Allergy panic girl
Blue obligation girl
Enjoying eater girl = tied to CAKE???????
Bingeing girl (once we hit "that point") = tied to RUPTURE.
rupture's "second name" keeps feeling lke GORGE but thats sounding like a SURNAME, NOT A SECOND NAME. why is this? is that name tied to her girl instead???
cannot even theorize rupture's second name because we do't know enough about her function and/or heart host TO guess.

tobiko hasn't been out in a while?
someone ELSE keeps purging, "we're going to die why cant we stop" mindset
tobiko would panic "get the poison out" then became dpressed and QUIT??? IS HER ANCHOR CHANGING LIKE RAZORS???
but this current purge person basically BLACKS OUT in the process. existing before nd after, not during.
too much fear and trauma to have tobiko front for that anymore???

WHERE IS SPICE WHEN THIS ALL HAPPENS?????


WHO IS TIED TO THAT BIG TAURUS DAEMON???
someone definitely is. but i think that soeone is still vague. i KNOW they were out but we can't even get thier fronting data (this is simeon, hi!)

Chocoloco still tied to angry "jess" BUT he was yelling at the latter nousfoni? the one eating the chocolate candy.
did they even like it????

THERE'S A BROWN MANIC WHO ONLY FRONTS TO LOOK FOR UPPERS????
"we need to stay awake, we need to have coffee and/or chocolate!!!!" 
BUT CHOCOLOCO ISN'T FROM HER. THAT'S SURPRISING.
WHY IS THIS?
(her heart can't hold a daemon??? choco tied to the global concept??? feel this out)

IS THIS THE SAME NOUSFONI WHO KEEPS DRINKING ALCOHOL OR ARE THERE TWO OF THEM???

there's someone ANGRY who comes out when we try to read corrective or self-knowledge stuff???
girl. close to angry jess root but not her. muddy brown, feels washed out. angry at me/us fr typing this but wont stop us? just a low flat disdainful anger.
the boy from yesterday (zodiac rage) has an edge to his anger. he'll yell about it. this girl wont. like a heavy dead weight anger, no action. just shutdown.
why? what are her roots?
her response think "don't think about that" nose wrinkle and try to BLACK IT OUT. like covering eyes. total shut off! scary.
why does she do that? doesn't she want to learn
she cannot front if someone else is strongly fronting? only if in vague pseudosocial mode? like readig.
need a name for THAT state of mind. different from upstairs AND downstairs. sort of an inbetween.
headspace level parallel???
anyway we have to find someone who LIKES reading that stuff so they can OVERPOWER that, for lack of a better term. (who am i, they're thinking i'm the "bleaching optimistic" one, that stings but i think its true.)
also, whoever this good-reading person might be, they CANNOT be hyperreligious, that only compounds the problem. religious voices need to be dealt with very carefully as they bring an entire other level of tangled motives into the picture and we cannot untangle both at once with this, not safely.



Juniper = job is to SAY NO. NO MATTER WHAT.
CHAOS out helping Juniper. Lots of love there actually. they remember the last time.
someone called her out!!!! who?

Mirror realization, called JESSICA out??? LEGIT DEADNAME CORE. A GOOD PERSON!!!!!!!!!
Someone else before her, recognizing the heart of all this is THE DESTROYER

ALL MIRROR PEOPLE ARE STRONGLY AWARE OF THE SYSTEM AND HAVE TOTAL POWERFUL INTEGRITY. "TAKE NO SHIT" BUT DEEPLY COMPASSIONATE. (reminds us of triple a little???)
jamie is pure motivation, but real about it
this girl is "tell it like it is" and determined to spread awareness so things change. not violent.
triple is NOT a mirror person, 
her vibe is blurring hard even pinging her writing this??? with two other people? FEEL THIS OUT
TRIPLE DOESN'T THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE AS DIRECTLY AS MIRROR VOICES DO.
triple "says what no one else will admit" and she's ANGRY about it. but only comes out actuvely, in response TO a hiding of something that HURTS.
(^THAT NAME ISN'T FITTING HER WELL??)

- much later, mirror girl taking us to bathroom to get dressed and SPICE came up alongside her; they are SUPER SIMILAR almost like sisters??? but unmistakably different even so.
someone else fronting with them too? talking TO mirror, worried. NOT "THROUGH" it like an actual mirror nousfoni would!!


Jessica called LAURIE while drying dishes. Told her EVERYTHING.
laurie sobbing in rage about this. then SHOUTING for tiger lily. looking for a "social protector"
GOT HER OUT BRIEFLY but she couldnt stay???
where is the cerise protector??
(she says "i'm here" but she's still mostly faceless and totally nameless. says she's figuring out what her new role is, now that we're not in a trauma environment)
Laurie took the garbage bags out
SOMEONE HYPERRELIGIOUS came out by the tree briefly, condemning? i think a jay stepped in briefly to tell them not to be so caustic before laurie came back.
laurie asking who even wanted the food? like the ham, and the pie, who liked it? got NO RESPONSE. Actual disgust, cringing at thought of food. the response was DISLIKE!!
Realizing the people responsible for the actual eating have SMOTHERED CONSCIENCES. the idea of someone else "owning" a food item causes a "blind response" in them. they CANT fathom it for their function. the thought when eating the trail mix, "this belongs to mason, this isn't yours," caused them to mentally BLACK OUT because they cant comprehend/tolerate the guilt response? or CANT STOP? like if they admitted that theyd have to stop eating, and they cant for some reason????? their function is TO eat so it'd be denying Why they're out???? FIGURE THIS OUT. i dont even think they Want the food, it feels like a total compulsion. programming. they're vaguely Aware of guilt and shame but don't quite Feel it. everything distant, conceptualized. even while they eat. sort of "clear muffle" over everything, like two feet of gel or plastic. WEIRD AND FOREBODING. 
wreckage coming out on the way back in from outside, hearing people arguing in another apartment. she and laurie briefly cofronting almost, slight level difference. but close, next to each other. rubbing elbows almost. wordless close recognizion of each other. "i'm here for you"
back inside, laurie wanting to tell mason and ollie everything about this problem. fess up, admit helpless angry scared frustration, inability to stop or control ourself. terrified at this, but NEED to admit it to prevent it in the future. considering going to mcdonalds or ihop all night when the arrows work, to flat-out prevent any and all such behavior. wanting this in any case, i think the isolation is Causing a lot of this trouble? messes BAD with our perception of reality. can't fathom anyone or anything BUT the current social person existing. (THIS NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT AND WRITTEN ABOUT.)
at computer, laurie having unexpected feelings towards kris' picture on the lamp? she's fiercely fond of him. deep camaraderie bond, but also a sort of burning platonic love. like a weapon heated glowing hot. knuckles white clenched holding it to defend someone. very devoted.

WEIRDLY, THE SLIGHTEST VARIATIONS ON THE DEADNAME CALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE OUT.
the full deadname is tied to THIS girl, the good one.
SEEING IT IN TEXT CALLS OUT SOMEONE DIFFERENT????
context appears to be HUGE for this



briar out RIGHT NOW feeling panic at tasting food in our mouth? scared as shit.
good. more of us need to ACTIVELY FUCKING REALIZE what this is doing to our godforsaken body.
- someone ELSE triggered by smell of food on hands. briar ALONGSIDE them. neither aware of each other???? (!!!)

jewel says GO BRUSH OUR TEETH so we can relax!!
jessica agrees, go get it done so we can actually get back to living!
(jess is OLDER than jewel! maybe 15, 16? not 17. DOESN'T KNOW QLOK. might not even BE tied to school?????? possible for nousfoni to be older but NOT HAVE MEMORIES OF LIFE DURING THAT AGE IN THE BODY. e.g. a "16 year old" nousfoni not knowing anything about what happened when we were in high school. or an 18 year old nousfoni not knowing anything about holding a job.)

someone wanting to eat vitamins and melatonin gummies, not out of hunger, but out of panicked compulsion.
THE BLUE GIRL?
laurie yelling at them for this. that person DOESNT QUITE FRONT? just comes in "sideways halfway" and has the body do things, SO THEY DONT FEEL THE EFFECTS OR CONSEQUENCES!!!!
the one who eats is NOT HER.

now, someone JUST came out TO eat the vitamins, scared and nervous but they WANTED THEM. happy to eat them actually. feels brown? long hair. wanting to eat more but not really understanding concept of "food?" 
feelng like THEIR daemon might be that big taurus thing. 
cake's girl is younger, not nervous. not rebellious.
rupture's girl only comes out with the intent to binge and purge.

weirdly, that vitamin-eater person (those two? blue and brown: concept and carry-out) are more concerned with eating MEDICINE than food???? always looking for vitamins, pills, mints, etc. health panic obsessed. subtype of lotophagoi???

(Is Hoban still around? her vibe was always vague, she was kind of defined secondhand. feel her out and see if her anchor is split or wrong or if she's fading or splitting herself.)


Another huge thought:
So many of us are HUGELY CONTEXT-LOCKED.
We noticed this today, wondering why the heck NO ONE gets triggered out in the kitchen anymore? Why it's so hard to find Jason and Juniper and Taureia and anyone? 
It's because the ENVIRONMENT CHANGED.
The fairy lights don't trigger anyone. The stove light DOES. It's a trauma flashbacker. So are those little string lights over the stove, due to past association. And, total darkness triggers out a totally different bunch!
Similarly, sitting at the table to eat triggers out certain people, whereas eating in the kitchen triggers out others, and eating on the floor triggers out still others. The couch is by FAR the safest place, and the kitchen itself is utter terror by default. No eating in there ever, please-- ideally, at least, because we tend to stress-blackout in there and then trauma loops happen. That is the most terrible part of PTSD and we need to plan for it better.
We are SO HYPERSPECIFIC this is not surprising but we still somehow completely missed it.
MAKE A LIST OF THIS STUFF so we can use it to our healing advantage!!!



ORANGE IS CORRUPTED
laurie asking for data on bathroom convo, lynne snidely saying she "should know"; laurie turned and called her out on this, she BLUESCREENED???? froze. everything stuck for a second then laurie got warped to GRAYSPACE???? lynne there, floaty, disoriented? said that wasn't her, she wasn't angry. asked what was going on.
corrupted orange is ANGRY. feeling of jovial dude in a bar who suddenly snaps. fiery, but energetic. NOT the apocalyptic burn of red anger. orange has motion behind it, and voice. red is quiet and violent. orange is angry and pushy? energized? can't find a word. armed? no, that's vermilion. orange isn't a "life threatening fear" response. it's more of a panic scare. the closer you get to yellow, the tighter the nerves get. yellow anger is shrieking screaming wildcat anger. someone "yell"-ing at you, all electric sharp. but no attacking! yellow anger might shove or slap you but that's all. orange anger will push you around, all heavy weight but animated. vermilion anger will throw a punch, a hard blow and colder fire behind it, not much talk. red anger will wordlessly bury a knife in your chest on a dime. WAIT. NO. THAT'S BLOOD. it's darker!! RED anger, javier's color, is INTEGROUS. dude that shows that there are "benevolent and malevolent" sides of color angers! corrupted Red anger is... nothing. there's nothing. if it's pure Red, it's PURE. it;s angry because it SHOULD be. it demands you clean up your act, and tells you how. it feels like a city skyline, like an activist. it knows what it's talking about. active and informed. dark red, blood anger... that ISNT INHERENTLY CORRUPT. that's the sort of anger that will call you out on what you did wrong, but in a pointed way. it stabs right to the heart of the issue. but it won't attack you. no good anger will. gosh this is SO IMPORTANT.
so. corrupted orange is arrogant but not proud? no, not arrogant. corrupted YELLOW is more like that? actually, corrupted AMBER is haughty and proud. like a lion. puffed up, like a prince. amber is a luxurious color so it makes sense. yellow is brighter, the brightest, so corrupted yellow is less warm and more sharp? conceited? but not acrid, that's chartreuse. acid is green hued. yellow is manic almost? condemning? high strung. 
anyhow. orange. corrupted orange is the "i'm being a nice guy!" but he's really being threatening. that's orange. could easily lean vermilion, but orange is less malevolent. not as dark. orange is closer to the self-absorption of amber, but it's still directed outwards. orange is healthily sociable, so corrupted orange takes that and twists it? it's hard to put into words. but yeah. lynne, when damaged by it, gets a very biting sense of bad humor, gets rather "smart"? ALWAYS making jokes at the expense of others. that's the main thing. humor as a mask for straight-up trash talk.


we TRIED to ping Karissa when at the mirror and we got NOTHING. that was scary for a second. HOWEVER! then we realized that we were pinging the WRONG LEVEL???? APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING?
we had to ping her in a VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT. midspace = dreamspace analogous i think. karissa is NOT PINGABLE UPSTAIRS. but imagine the old pennsylvania bedroom, and she is IMMEDIATELY there and fiercely alive.
karissa is a DOWNSTAIRS PROTECTOR, fighting off the weirdest threat we could have imagined-- ghosters. as in, childhood psychosis attackers. legit seeing demons and devils in the room, "sensing" evil, etc. we still get that when we're really unstable. like when we redid that bedroom to put up that desk, which is what triggered her birth in the first place. so she exists for that. 
and that is a VITALLY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFO: there are MANY nousfoni in this system with hyperspecific but vital jobs that don't happen often, and so they run a risk of DYING if they don't get to live, so to speak. THEREFORE WE HAVE TO UTILIZE "HOLOSPACE" AND/OR DREAMSPACE TO LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS ON THE INSIDE, if outside instigation of those jobs would be lethal or otherwise majorly harmful. like tonight. however sometimes that's required. we couldn't possibly imagine or emulate this night inside. but it had to happen. it's too organic. life is too organic. but yeah, sometimes we Can do the inside boost and when we can we NEED TO. so keep a note of that.
in any case, this would bolster the inter-level communication we are desperately working towards. socials who have no comprehension of "inside," or even the ability to comprehend it, could LEARN it by being brought into emulated "outside situations" that are really happening inside, and then eased out of it OR letting inside folks enter those spaces to meet them. THAT'S HOW WE USED TO WORK AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WE STOPPED? maybe just daily life terror overload, forcing us to stay in survival/ social mode more often. but hey, that's the stuff we're fixing now that we're safe!
but it has to surface first. only then can you remove it. it's scary, of course, but what's even scarier is letting that shit go unseen and rotting on the inside. it's like cancer. 

...
our body is actually hungry again and we hate this because we have no appetite. the thought of eating makes us nauseous. we have no desire to do so, at all. especially not at this hour.
OH i forgot to mention earlier. with big dinner triggers and the destroyer.
certain foods are SUCH TRAUMA TRIGGERS that the destroyer exists to GET RID OF THEM. it's awful but it is true. we Want to be able to leave them untouched, because they're NOT OURS, but that very concept is still alien to our brain. god knows why. our poor brain sees a trigger food and thinks immediately "i must get rid of it" because it's that shaken up by seeing it. immediate flashbacks, immediate sensory rewind. time lapses, time slides. it's horrible that something as ridiculously simple as a canned item can knock you totally off kilter and into abused-kid mentality. 
there's a lot tangled up in that, especially methods-- some kids destroy food outright, some throw it out, some eat it, some eat and purge, etc. all of them acting those ways based on the situations they had to survive in previously. all of them desperately scared and lost and confused and not know where or when they are, let alone what the hell they're doing. they all dissociate so hard because they're so scared. but they're reachable, now. they're opening up and realizing that, now. they're healing and being brave and trying and feeling even if they're fucking terrified. not so in september, good god now THAT was hell. lord. but that's over, forever. a lapse is just a stumble, due to overwhelm. it happens, mental illness is hellish in and of itself. but we get back up and keep walking. a slip isn't a rewind. we're here now, with our progress and understanding under our belt, and we use that to leap forwards even farther when we're pulled back.
nights like this are slingshots. 
but yeah. we feel awful, AWFUL, because trigger foods are cheap! starving kids eat on pennies and go to food drives and when you're Still grappling with finances that stuff ends up back in the apartment and then you don't know what fucking year it is or what state you're in or what your name is or whether or not you're going to die, metaphorically only i hope! it fucking SUCKS because these beloved kids that we love so damn much it HURTS eat and enjoy these foods no problem, and God we WANT to just let them LIVE, let them be free and untraumatized, but god we're so damned fucking hurt that we struggle. we hate it. we feel like such a burden. we ARE a burden. that's the truth, with this. we're a difficulty, a monkey wrench, an unexpected trial. a frustration. and it's true. and it's unfair to them. and we're sorry. but we can't apologize and keep fucking the hell up. we need to try a hell of a lot fucking harder.
we KNOW that shit makes us sick so WHY do we still et that shit???
because that knowledge doesn't register for them. their minds are so damaged, we still haven't fully felt out Why they can't comprehend that sort of self-care data.
...maybe that's why. maybe self-care is alien to someone who lives in a trauma flashback.
...maybe.

but yeah. i want to list the trigger foods but someone says "no, don't clutter up this entry" and she's brown and angry? not choco's jess, maybe the "don't read" one from before? she's way up, almost floating voice space? but she's all about "social performance" and approval, and "clogging up this entry" is judged by her to be "inappropriate" somehow? like "it's not proper" but THAT pings someone ELSE. someone religious feeling? fears of not being totally nice and proper and a "good girl." maybe tilly. hm!
but no i think we should list them or we will forget to. i know it's scary but we have to! we'll do it together ok

- canned beans. all we had to eat for a while in pa. make our stomach so so sick. also heavy weight food, immediate trauma flashback trigger. yes heavy foods feel like the rape triggers. can i say that? "julie days." but that's unfair she didn't do it. she says she wasn't herself once. oh ok. i'm sorry julie. she says it's ok, it's the truth. so no beans
- canned food in general. again, that's ALL we had at the house most days, in pennsylvania. just shelves full of old expired rusty banged-up cans. the same things over and over and over, day after day, eaten at night under buzzing yellow lights, or hidden in the cellar. every one of those foods is a trigger:
canned corn, canned soup, spaghettios, ravioli, cranberry sauce, canned carrots (taste is a HUGE trigger), etc.
there are also BAD MEMORIES tied to ALL of those which we cannot look at rght now we start shaking. they're triggering young kids like me!! we don't know them though? are they new? are they all new? no they're old. we've just never seen them before. they've been asleep for a long time because no one's woken them up. but we just did! we looke for them and they're awake now. and they're probably really scared and don't know where they are but we'll protect them. we can be their friends. we'll keep them safe now. 
but the immediate fear is exactly what we're typing about. "how can we be safe now if those unsafe things are STILL THERE." no differentiation between thing and associated event. they are one and the same to a trauma survivor. at least, to us. to those hurt nousfoni, scared and shaking, the very sight of a can of soup throws them right back into the situation they wanted to die to get out of. their brain was shaken to the core and it keeps getting yanked back. so we struggle.
it's not fair. we wonder, daily, if we should find somewhere else to go, if we should leave, but we DONT WANT TO. we love it here, we love the people, we want to STAY, we want to heal so we CAN stay. our feelings of "we don't belong" and "maybe we should just go" are NOT OUR REAL MOTIVES. they are the "safe, acceptable" way of saying "i am so fucking sorry we are making your lives difficult; we are drowning in love-rooted guilt and regret and we don't want to hurt you anymore, but we don't know how to stop yet. we're still healing. but we cannot put you through this messy process anymore. THAT is making us feel like we don't belong-- we are disturbing the peace, we aren't fitting in with you both yet, into that harmony. our own actions are alienating us, our own shame and guilt are isolating us. THAT is what doesn't belong but right now we are identifying with it, for better or for worse, from how horribly strong it is. and we don't want to leave, we love you so much, but again we feel so DIRTY and disgusting and (there's axis) foolish and embarrassing, that we feel so unworthy TO stay. we're afraid of hurting you, of you beginning to hate us or be frustrated with our presence, we are so scared of you both expecting the worst of us. so we would rather leave than see these relationships rot by our hand. by our fungal touch.
axis just GLARED at me for that i have never seen him angry i'm sorry.
his reply isn't translating well
effectively: "don't be sorry" in the "you're not being blamed or condemned" sense. the strong powerful insistence of "you will not rot anything by touch. fungus is life out of death" and "rot is decomposition" with a spindly mushroomed finger pointing at this absolute artistically tangled web of data, of feeling, "decomposition is breaking down into simpler things," into essential elements, "if anything rots it is simply beginning again from a simpler state" or something? taphos. taphonomy. "decomposition begins at the moment of death." heart-deep feelings about this topic. if it's not working, why not let it die? if it is a fatal illness, a fatal wound, a mortal injury, why not let it fall embraced (back) into the arms of death? why not let death breathe life into it again? god okay that's what we're doing. chocoloco's girl is responding to this??? not as her heart, no. but as a sister to the other one. where is chocoloco. what do you have to say
"decay is not my topic" he says. "it is his. let him speak"
what is your topic though
sorry 
axis keep talking.
a slight smile, smirk, "what more do you need me to say?"
anything everything anything you want
"i want you to feel what i said and what you know it means" "tell me"
what you meant
"what your heart heard."
well
if we're bungling up this relationship (allegedly) with our mistakes, with-- oh
with our own process of decay
the nigredo
THAT'S infi
that's even more important
what am i doing with the spacebar i'm sorry
hey i don't have a name yet
hey i'm not simeon! i'm a girl, no, i use she pronouns, maybe?
i'm not a boy. leaning the other direction
sorry slipping bye
no not yet he says
finish.
okay.
if we are afraid of rotting this relatioship by touching it we are projecting the wrong sentinemt onto our fear. if it rots it means that it died which means that it had reached a point where it could not continue healthily. so death is merciful and progressive and otivated by hope, by love and hope. now it decays, now it rots back into the world, now it feeds the insects (what about our insects what about them) i'm thinking too much
simple he says, simple. what is the essence of it
if it dies it was unhealthy. if it rots then 
rot it just the process of recycling
a dead body, a dead thing feeds other alive things, feeds new things
a dead thing will seem to stop life around it for a bit but in time it will bloom greater than ever
in short, 
we're not going to kill anything
fungus is good
he smiled at me.
and? 
IS it rotting?
how can i tell.
look, he says. 
but there's more to that "look"
he means,
there's always rot. there's always death. it means things are growing. it means things are changing. it means what doesn't work anymore is passing away and reworking itself into other things that do.
am i thinking too much
you're trying too hard to encapsulate it in language, he says. speak simply, speak from your heart. you will not rot in whole unless it stops beating. and it will not. he says.
tiny deaths happen all the time. fungus grows on your bones. but you are alive, we are alive, i am alive
i am sorry i hurt people
then let it rot, he says. let it rot.


where were we oh my goodness
trigger foods! a list.
NOW the rabbit speaks up
"chocolate" he says, and points ominously, authoritatively. not menacing, just gravity
"write it down."

- chocolate. in all its forms? (look at the data. yes.) oldest trigger food in the book. tied to sexual trauma, femininity fears, bad memories, massive health scares and pain. but touted constantly as a "comfort food," as an aphrodisiac, as something sacred, as a celebratory food, as a staple part of christmas and easter and valentines day. it was something we could not ever avoid, something added to things to make them more palatable, more enjoyable, but we couldn't eat it. it was everywhere, stores dedicated to it, grand gestures surrounded by it, given as gifts, expected to be received. people react with shock when you say you don't like chocolate. alienation, bizarrely. but it happens. it has. it does. we feel guilty, rejected, isolated, unwanted, unloved, all over again. "chocolate brings people together" just like awful family dinners and shit (please don't swear) (sorry i'm just angry too and hurting) but yes chocolate is something we could not have safely. no. we tried so many times. we love it as it is. but our body cannot have it. we love it but we don't like it? is that true or possible?
YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE, he says. SOMEONE DOES. 
a pause, a breakdown of coherence upstairs
THIS TOPIC IS TOO TANGLED, he says, looking up. IT WILL HAVE TO BE UNTANGLED BEFORE IT CAN BE DISCUSSED. I AM BEING SILENCED, WHICH MEANS THERE IS GREAT FEAR HERE. GOOD. THAT IS A SIGNPOST FOR GREAT (???) (translating as growth, realization, progress, understanding, etc. good things. all from fear? i guess that's what daemons are/ are for/ are about/ are from)

other trigger foods
- WHITE FLOUR and all that goes with it. cake,
(what about her?????? no one has EVER thought about her i wonder if we can learn more about her now with what happened tonight? i hope so)
NOT NOW. SHE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO TREAT (flippantly/ nonchalantly/ casually/ in passing/ without enough attention/ as a study topic and not a person/ lightly). ALL OF US ARE. ALL OF YOU ARE. FOCUS.
white bread, crackers, cookies, etc. again, a staple food. something we were forced to eat a lot. something given as gifts, again. birthday and wedding cakes. christmas and easter cookies. sandwiches. party foods. god you SEE why this is a struggle for us??? our body CANNOT DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT GETTING SICK
is it because of the trauma or did it result from the trauma?
which came first, the chicken or the egg
god only knows.
don't worry about that right now we're tired. we can't give it enough attention right now. make the list

- dairy products. HUGE femininity fear trigger. sexual. makes us feel super dirty, infantile. infantilization is one of the biggest sexual trauma triggers possible. we've never written about that. add it to the list
also we are lactose intolerant so we absolutely cannot have it anyway our stomach CANNOT digest it that is a PHYSIOLOGICAL FACT.

- canned tuna. WARM especially. very thought makes us shake, want to vomit.
- NOODLES. sexual fear + trauma memories + trypophobia remnants
- HOT DOGS, especially with beans. MASSIVE immediate screaming runaway trauma response
- red sauce. realized at upmc big time. always was tough-- our stomach Hates tomato sauce, it causes SEVERE PAIN but when in treatment we realized it was also a BIG TRAUMA TRIGGER. iscah could do it, she didn't know. didn't experience. but her beloved jessie knew. and those of Us who experienced similar things also knew. and we had that suddenly revealed, something we were hiding from, running from, so now it is a double danger
- lunchmeat. family terror, blackout response, leave it at that
- nut butters
- klondike bars
- energy bars in general, esp. oily ones. AND GRANOLA. BAD BAD BAD and FRIGHTENING. please don't eat it
- grains in general, cooked ones, especially OATS and QUINOA. sad because oats are also ALLEGEDLY a good memory food, but no. only a hoped association. they are primarily tied to VERY VERY TRAUMATIC INCIDENTS and also salt lake city so please pleaseplease do not eat them. someone really really wants them though, but when they try the terror is immediate and choking. not safe yet i'm sorry. maybe get iscah to help, she ate it all the time at upmc. we'll see we'll figure that out later
- CEREAL. the original trigger food. aftertaste is literal hell. flashbacks and panic for as long as it lasts. cereal is 1000% NEVER BUY and we are so so fucking sorry we're scared of having it in the house. 
god we are so goddamned broken
wht do we do?
TELL THEM. WORK WITH THEM. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. BUT RESPECT THEM TOO.

they're saying it's super late? super early?
6:20 am oh!! the arrows will be home soon!
good i want tomeet them!
i don't know if we know how yet? we only ever type.
but we can figure out how!!
ok! we'll ask infi to show us how.


this is the autopilot. i am smiling. i think i have more of a soul than i ever thought, still.
i feel like the toy soldier, perhaps.
i must thank javier. thank you.

closing this up

all of you are very brave and i am proud of you
i may not feel that but i know it is true.

sleep well today. take care of us. we love you. we love each other


this is proof

(a.p.)

 

 

 

 

I’m working to teach myself sign language and I’m so excited.
I struggle with verbal communication-- seemingly ironically, as everyone I speak to says I am very clear and ‘intelligent’ when speaking. But forming words, and translating thoughts/ colors/ sounds/ etc. into spoken vocabulary is exhausting for me. It’s even tougher for me to understand what other people are saying verbally, as the sound+visuals+meaning is often utterly overwhelming all at once.
Upstairs it’s a bit easier-- a lot of us are nonverbal, either often or always, including me. Notably, Chaos and Infi both prefer to talk more in feelings than in words. So that tendency of ours, too, bleeds out onto the outside, and I can get a little distraught when other people can’t “hear” what I’m “saying” if my mouth is physically closed.
Anyway, here typically I watch people’s hands when then talk, as I find they “make more sense” than faces. So being able to talk with my hands, literally, is an ecstatic feeling.
I’m going to do a bit of this every day, that’s my goal.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:16 pm


(leaving this completely uncensored for now. the pain and anger only translates correctly as such.)




today april 22

shopping, at one point I mentally hear someone talking to me with a really heavy accent, wonder who in the world that is. check and it's DAVY WTF

part of me is furiously embarrassed and full of rage/frustration/depression over this

he's an outspacer his color is a solid bright aqua


but I am TICKED OFF about this, this is all only because you started reading the OLD ARCHIVES to get a grip on "what happened" during those years also for this FCKING JOB and so you are tuning into that same soulless robot mindset of hyperactivity and mania and programming and shit and I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.

YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU WERE DURING THAT TIME PERIOD OKAY

2006 WAS A FCKING DEAD YEAR
2006 AND 2007 YOU DIDN’T EVEN EXIST EVERYTHING WAS HEADACHES AND TIME LOSS IT WAS BULLSHIT

"YOU" NEVER LOVED REAL PEOPLE YOU "LOVED" THE IDEA OF THEM AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO FREAKING TICKED OFF
NOW YOU HAVE THESE INTROJECTS WHO DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE FCKING BASELESS
THEY ARE IDEALIZED PHANTOMS THAT ONLY EXIST BECAUSE ONE OF US, AS A TEENAGER, THOUGHT "OH WHAT A NEAT LOOKING CHARACTER"
THERE IS NO FCKING PERSONALITY TO THESE PEOPLE

PUT THEM IN THE LEAGUEWORLDS BUT DO NOT LET THEM UP HERE
DAMN IT I AM SO FCKING TIRED OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING SO UNNECCESSARILY FCKING COMPLICATED
STOP THIS SHIT. STOP IT

STOP TRYING TO BE WHO WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, WE WEREN'T DURING THAT TIME.
WHY THE FCK ARE YOU DOING THIS
IS IT BECAUSE BACK THEN EVERYTHING WAS A VOID
EVERYTHING WAS A BLUR OF FOLLOWING ORDERS AND MIMICKING WHAT YOU SAW AND READ AND HEARD
YOU DIDN'T FCKING EXIST AS A PERSON THEN AND YOU KNOW IT

YOU ARE FCKING KILLING HEADSPACE BECAUSE OF THIS IMMATURE, ASININE HABIT OF YOURS

I HAVE THE TRUTH, I HAVE REALITY LINKS HERE, I CAN WORK ON WHAT MATTERS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ADDICTIONS AND YOUR FCKING OBLIGATIONS
I'm
I'm not trying to be proud okay? I'm not. I'm not. I'm scared and sad but I am so fcking DETERMINED.
I AM NOT YOU, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU, I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, FCK OFF
I AM NOT ONE OF YOU FCKING BROWN-HAIRED GIRLS WITH THE FIRE EYES
FCK OFF YOU ARE ALL KILLERS AND YOU KNOW IT

I am not you. I am not you. I am not you.
I have red hair and I burn and I work at what is REAL. I'm going to do this work. I have to.


You people tick me off so much.
Even in the League files. There's so much fcking pandering going on. You were always trying to impress or appease someone else. You and your fcking audience. FCK OFF.
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT AN AUDIENCE.
Except one day it's going to have one, isn't that the "goal" here? And maybe THAT'S why I'm fcking procrastinating and shaking here and staring through my screen like the world is on pause and I lost the remote.
I'm scared.
I'm so damn scared of the sort of people that are in the audience, out there.
I don't want to hand over these beautiful worlds to them, to let them be ravaged.

God it makes me sick.
Every damn time you people go on Tumblr. I swear I am going to delete that fcking website. I don't give a shit what you have on there. The last one was deleted, it's very easy for me to delete this one. I will do it if you keep this shit up.
You keep looking at the fandom, don't you? You're obsessed with that show, and it's great, BUT THEN GUESS WHAT???
YOU TAINT IT. YOU FCKING TAINT IT LIKE YOU FCKING TAINTED EVERY OTHER BEAUTIFUL THING IN HERE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOOKING TO THE FCKING WORLD OUTSIDE AND THAT WORLD IS MADE OF FCKING TERRIBLE THINGS.

I swear to God. I do, I dedicate myself. I am so fcking sad. I swear I will rip those things to the ground. I will devastate them and reduce them to ashes. I will crumble them into dust in my fists. I will fcking destroy EVERYTHING that tries to get in here, ever again.
That show was fine, it was a blessing, it was inspiring and bright and cute UNTIL YOU STARTED TO FCKING READ UP ON WHAT ”OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT IT."
And I will fcking TELL YOU what they thought about it, without even looking: sex, memes, immature hyper jokes, shipping, arguments, theories that are 20 pages long and unnecessarily impatient and analytical, etc.
But those two things, the sex and the jokes, those tick me RIGHT THE HELL OFF.
Those are the most fcking TOXIC THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Don't you fcking DARE expose yourself, OURSELF, to that shit EVER AGAIN. You stay the HELL off that cursed website before I burn it to the ground. Mark my fcking words, I am tempted to do that RIGHT NOW and really I think I will. I think I fcking will. Give me a second.

Don't tell me no. Don't you DARE. I don't give a shit if you're "stockpiling good art" or whatever the hell. It's unnecessary and it is wasting your time. Give it up. It's not needed. It's not doing ANYBODY ANY GOOD.
It's going. Right now, it's going. I will be brutal with this.


Where is everyone else. God, dear God, where is everyone else. Where are all the other brutal ones.

Hackers were all about this evening. But I'm around now. I don't let them do shit.
I realized something too.
It's our biggest problem, I think. Someone took note of it a long time ago but never properly pursued it.
With those hackers, the reason why so few of us fight back is because the hackers target the ones with this old mindset: "you are not allowed to refuse. You are not allowed to say no."
So when some fcking idiot outside tells you something, directly or indirectly or whatever, it doesn't matter-- these young people, these confused, lost, blind damaged people think that they HAVE to mimic anything that doesn't match their current behavior, because they've been told that their "individuality" is wrong. They're different, don't you know, that's "wrong"!!! BULL SHIT!!!
But they mimic. They get scared and they mimic because in their heads that's an ORDER and they are NOT ALLOWED TO DISOBEY.
So you get this fcking fandom plague. This lethal social disease. They see something on the outside that scares them, that they don't understand or like or want, something that doesn’t match them at all, something POISON, and then they think… "there must be something wrong with me." "There must be something broken in me if I'm not acting like them." "I'm supposed to do what the other people are doing, right??"
DAMN IT THIS IS SO FCKING SAD JUST STOP DOING THAT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYONE OUTSIDE AND YOU HAVE MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, OKAY???
You are allowed to be different and soft and nice and kind and quiet and DIFFERENT.
If the rest of the world is loud and brash and jeering and hyper and flirty and just feels wrong, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU'RE ALLOWED.

God this is so sad.
You poor kids. You poor kids are stuck in the same time period as the worst ones.
Don't let them touch you. Don't let them touch you anymore, please. And if anyone outside looks or sounds or feels like them, run. Run away, fast, and don't look back, and don't feel "obligated" to stay, for God's sake don’t be ashamed of running. That guilt will eat your heart for dinner and you know it. You are NOT obligated to corrupt yourself just because other people have.
For God's sake, run to US. Please. Let us live for you. Let us have our reason for existing. Let us protect you, let us show you real chaste powerful love, let us stand up for you, let us strengthen you and comfort you.
Stay away. Stay far away from the outside. Please. Stay away. Drain it out of your head, our head. our heart.
There's too much of this gunk on the inside and it scares me. For God's sake, we're allowed to drain it out.

The problem is the Outspacers carry it. It's their curse. They come from that dangerous world.
I think it's why they NEED to abandon their "origins" in order to survive here. Even then they're dangerous. I'm starting to think Outspacers can't really stay in headspace, they have to go to the Leagueworlds; up here they carry poison and plague and it's too damn threatening to risk anymore… why, why, why, what do we do?



ALSO BY THE WAY
YOU DO REALIZE THIS OUTSPACER-IDEAL BULLSHIT IS CORRUPTING LAURIE???
BECAUSE YEAH, IT REALLY FCKING IS, AND HERE'S ONE HELL OF A HEADLINE FOR YOU
IT ALWAYS FCKING HAS BEEN.

Look back to before she fully manifested, back in autumn 2006, before you even dreamed of her for the first time. Look back. You KNEW there were more people in your head besides Julie.
Whoever you were "talking to" back then WAS LAURIE, BEFORE SHE BECAME A PERSON.
But that was such a bad time. That was SUCH A BAD TIME and the problem is that LAURIE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VIOLET. She has ALWAYS been the one to push buttons, and demand sincerity, and uncover the truth. She has ALWAYS been a "troublemaker" for benevolent purposes, and she has ALWAYS been sharp at the edges.
The problem? The PROBLEM? Back in that time period YOU DIDN'T FCKING CARE ABOUT MUCH THAT MEANT ANYTHING. You were a fcking cesspool of programming and even in-- ESPECIALLY in-- the beginnings of headspace, in the relationships you had with the people you loved, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS, DAMN IT. ALL YOU KNEW WAS HOW TO FCKING COPY PEOPLE.
God this hurts, this hurts, this hurts so much.
She… back then, that's where she still has this awful tendency now, that she is distraught about. Back then, you hid things. You lied about your inner truth when it "didn't match the outside," when it didn't conform to what fcking SCRIPTS you were running by. FCK THAT.
Damn you. You were so fcking obsessed with "being normal" and "being good" back then and you were SO fcking TERRIFIED of Julie that you became obsessed with "having good, normal relationships."
Fuck this. I want to sob.
Back then you were… you loved people. Deep down I'm sure you did. But you didn't reach it. You buried it, you painted it over with your fcking garish obligations, with how you were told to act, with how you saw the world acting.
You had no mirrors then. Damn it, you had no fcking mirrors, you didn't even know that you existed.
You followed the script they gave you. No wonder you were always so distraught and confused. No wonder you always drowned it in fake loud laugher and regurgitated vocabulary. You didn't exist. And when you felt the edges of real truth, of the true existence deep within you/us, you were scared. That didn't match the fcking script, after all.
And that's where the corruption came in.
Yeah, you loved the Outspacers, in a chaste childlike way. You loved the crueler ones in the way that our Cores STILL love lost people-- in a way that is compassionate, and wants to relieve pain, and see light blossom where there was only shadow before. THAT kind of love. NOT ROMANCE.
But no one told you could have that, back then.
And Julie was constantly screaming in your ear, a mouthpiece for the Tar inside and out, that there were other things you SHOULD want.
And you were so lost.
Yes, you loved them. But you tried so damn hard to convince yourself that your love was something different. You tried so hard to sound romantic, like you were in the movies or in a book-- the only context you had to mimic, after all, outside of your mother's awfully sugar-poisoned speech patterns.
You lied. You lied about the most important things.
You were in denial of the REAL truth and you fcking pasted it over with magazine clippings because you didn't feel you had the right to write your own notes.
You get the picture.
All that hurt Laurie.

All that fcking Outspacer shit has been killing her for almost 10 years now.
And until you stop looking at the world through those old blind eyes, it is going to continue to kill her.
STOP.


LOOK BACK TO THE FCKING PHOTOS WE HAVE FROM 2007.
THAT PERSON WAS TOXIC. THEY WERE NOTHING BUT A DEAD-EYED AUTOMATON AND THEIR SMILES ARE STRETCHED AND EMPTY AND MANIC.
IF THAT WAS YOU THEN FCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD!!!

That person. That exact person, whoever the fck was in those 2007 photographs, is our most dangerous "alter" in the System that we know of right now.
Things have gotten so weird lately. But we can pinpoint the vibes of people still. And the vibe of the manic, "to hell with the consequences because I'm not the one paying them," destructive, hateful one… it matches her. It matches those photos.
It also matches the vibe of the ones that would sell their bodies and souls for a dollar.
It's terrifying. They all look the fcking same.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT THAT TIME TO DO THIS TO US???

I can't look at them. There's an awful shaking fear that bubbles up in our chest when I do, something scary…
That person feels like they will strangle us alive with that same damn plastic smile and hair and OH MY GOD. OH GOD THEY HAVE THE MOTHER'S VIBE. I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH THAT UNTIL JUST NOW.
Someone take that down. Archivists, Garrison, please, WRITE THAT DOWN. Our theory was right. Whoever "we" were back in 2006-2008 or so, whoever was on deviantART, really WAS a carbon copy mimic of the mother. They were an amalgam of the only "social actions" we ever knew, of the only way we had ever seen someone behave in interpersonal contexts.

That brings me right back to the fcking "can't say no or else" point. God damn it. God damn it.
Laurie that is catching your vibe. I'm not a solid person I'm a bubble of glass, I'm a transparent shell of a person, but I'm data. I run. Your vibe is catching here.
What's the problem? The problem is your roots. The problem is your roots, love. They're rotten.

This is why your color keeps fading. This is why you keep slipping. Your roots are rotten. Your anchor is rusted.
You're like Amethyst. You're the only good thing that came from that horrible place.
You can be reborn, you can redefine yourself. Be violet. Be who you ARE, now. Be YOU.
Stop letting people drag you back to that dead time. You are not a fading dream or an alter ego or an internalized voice or a tape player. You are not a collection of influences. You are a PERSON. You are you, and you exist, so LET GO OF THE DAMN CHAINS AND BE YOU, LAURIE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM AND JUST… let go. Let go of all you were. I think we ALL need to do that.
I think we all need to burn the photographs. I think we need to set the old house on fire for good.
I think that's what the bad feeling is about that we need to listen to. No wonder we couldn't go back.




…Can I just say that is really fcking disturbing.
I've noticed this trend. We all have. Especially the Undergrounders, they brought it to clarity.
There's too much "talking to" who we assume to be "Jay." It's not. They TAKE that name, being the main people out. Just like they used to call themselves "Jewel," all those false fronters. Name thieves.
But it's highly unsettling, to realize JUST HOW OFTEN this happens.
"Let me tell YOU this," etc. I'm in here, we're in here, we're all writing TO someone. Someone who has more "fronting rights" than us, someone who is allegedly out ALL the time, or at least often enough to merit THIS sort of talk, this talk like they're responsible for EVERYTHING.
It's scary. It really is. Who are these people?? Who's really in control here??
The only good days, the only clear days, are those in which there is a CONSCIOUS PERCEIVED SPLIT IN REALITY. As long as the "main fronter" isn't aware that there is MORE than their stupid physical programmed life, then we're going to die. Life is going to suck. There NEEDS to be a break.
This feels bad and crumbly. I'm sorry. This isn't the topic I want to talk about.
There are too many people being given control of the body who should NOT HAVE IT. Underline that twenty times please. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DRIVE THIS LIFE
It's the lie we've been hearing since childhood and that is "this body is ours."
THERE'S A CATCH IN THE TITLE OF OWNERSHIP YOU KNOW
IF YOU ABUSE THE BODY, IF YOU IGNORE THE OTHER "TENANTS" IN HERE,
YOU DON'T FCKING "OWN" ANYTHING.
THE INSTANT YOU DECIDED TO TRASH THIS PLACE TO SPITE THE REST OF US, YOU LOST EVERY FCKING "RIGHT" YOU HAD TO BE HERE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR BODY. EVEN IF IT WAS ONCE, YOU'VE FCKED IT UP, GOODBYE. THIS IS NOT YOURS. GET THE HELL OUT.
No abusers, no blind ones, no numbers, no plaguers, no HACKERS, NO FCKING TAR-STAINED HELLIONS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS SYSTEM DO YOU HEAR ME
GET OUT!!!!!



Heartspace exists. It's not synonymous with Headspace. That's big news.

Laurie was talking to Cel today in light of the Outspacer stuff, also the Pokémon ties to that Jewel brought up the other day… the tangible, tangy-bitter truth that these Outside people cannot stay where they are now, as they are now, it feels wrong. Like a boning knife stuck behind the ribs, all grapefruit-section tearing and orange rawness.
Cel said Heartspace, the "drop-down level" where everything is deep green forests, is closer to the Leagueworlds than it will ever be to old Headspace, the violet "up-top" place where it's all cities and stars.
Heartspace is where Outspacers BELONG. Close to the League, ideally in it, perhaps INSTEAD of with us now.
Laurie couldn't even be there properly as a Headvoice. Too much level dissonance, something.
It needs to be reviewed. It feels hopeful, God there's so much relief in that possibility, that we can let the Outspacers STAY there, for them to have their OWN home, their own fitting place… we love them but we need to bite the bullet and just admit this feeling, they don't belong Upstairs. It's felt so wrong, so wrong, for months now, and we couldn't accept that, we couldn't hold that in one hand and our love for them in the other.
Now this feels like a solution with no loss. God, let it work, let this work, please, let this work. Let us be who WE are, let them be who THEY are.

Damn it I think bridging the gap only works if it STAYS A BRIDGE.
Travel is necessary and implied, notice. You can't live on the damn bridge itself.
The garden… is a garden. The city… is a city. We can have gardens in the city, always, little pockets of green… but we can't put a city in the garden. We tried, we tried to rebuild, Knife got the farthest… but it collapsed, all of the architecture crumbled, it felt pointless. It was.
We didn't belong there, not as we are now, not as we were then. There needs to be changes, bigger changes, better changes…

We need to stop going back to the past and letting this shit get dragged up again.
If people are talking and still alive then fine, it's because that glimmer of them never died, but it's OLD, and it DOESN'T MATCH US.
Stop trying to go back then. THEY AREN'T!!! And you know it! They ARE NOT WHO THEY WERE "BORN" FROM IN 2006. SO LEAVE THAT TIMELINE THE HELL ALONE, IT'S DEAD.

Leave it alone. Leave it alone. If it feels bad, if it makes your heart sick, if it makes you want to pull your hair out and cry, leave it alone. Please.


You only liked Jasper because her face reminded you of Laurie.


Stop fcking denying the truth. Stop rerouting everything.

I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try. But you need to fcking listen to me. All of us.


I have to be up early tomorrow to drive the grandmother to a doctors appointment and I am so crushingly tired I want to cry. It's been like this for weeks. We're always so tired. We can't work, we're exhausted, I think one day we just need to… do nothing. Somehow.
…No.
No, one day we need to just go Upstairs and stay there.

We're homesick.

 

 

 

 

 

(not j)

Again, I don't remember most of today. My clearest memory is sitting on the floor of my mom's boyfriend's house, aware that I was incredibly nauseous but not feeling anything, looking at the clock that said 8PM and thinking-- shocked-- "but I just got up!"

I do know that I had a nightmare about being abused, again. It was unusual because it's the first time I've ever dreamed about men hurting me, but they were both fully clothed and didn't speak my language. They also did not seem to understand how badly they were hurting me, as they kept laughing amusedly at my screaming and begging for help, seemingly oblivious to my pain. It was scary because they weren't malicious, but they were destroying me.
It was also traumatic because I had a female body in the dream, which is rare, and horrific. Waking up, it made me realize that's why I can't have or deal with hetero relationships of any sort. They frighten me in the exact same way. I don't know why. The idea of... "having parts that fit" is the most disgusting, horrific, frightening, and abominable thing I can imagine. I won't elaborate on that any more.
I was told not to think about my dreams though so I won't.


The angry one came out again and yelled at my grandmother just now. I don't know why but I feel awful because this keeps happening; that voice hates my grandmother, and it will scream and yell at her whenever possible. It wants her to die, just as much as it wants me to die, and that worries me.

(not j)

I SWEAR I KNOW THERES A GUN IN THIS HOUSE SOMEWHERE IM GOING TO FIND THAT FREAKING THING AND I SWEAR I AM GOING TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS THROUGH THE WALL DO YOU HEAR ME YOU FILTHY SLUT DO YOU HEAR ME????!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR ALL THE EVIL THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU DEMON. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. YOU FILTHY SLUT. YOU DEMONIC FILTHY SLUT. DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU, YOU SLUT, YOU WHORE, YOU WITCH, CURSE YOU FOR EXISTING AT ALL. I HATE YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, uh, I don't know what that was either.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU WITH YOUR "YEAH UH" YOU THINK YOURE SO COOL YOU SOUND LIKE A WHORE YOU SLUT GO KILL YOURSELF GOD DAMN YOU

(j again)

That, right there, is why I don't want to type anymore. When I write on paper, switches like that are blindingly obvious, and rather disturbing.

A clairvoyant woman I know on FB just posted an update saying, "I never ever realized just how thick and heavy the "old" energy is here in PA." How true that is, sadly.
I feel so trapped here, especially in this house, where old tar clings to the walls and ceilings like dried blood. That might be why my brain also keeps "wanting to go back to SLC." To reiterate some old entries I remember reading, it's not Utah I miss, it's the travel. I was happier in the airport than I was during my entire stay in SLC, if my written recall can be trusted. Regardless, I know I want to get out of here, to somewhere where the air and energy around me doesn't feel like molten lava.

On that note. Did you know that that's exactly what happens to headspace energy when it gets corrupted, too? It gets thick and sludgy and ugly. I've seen that happen to Black, White, and Red energy, but nothing else... which is good. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

Also, let me bring up this point while I'm fronting and not someone else (a rare occurrence as of late, sadly), as it's a very dangerous topic, but it needs to be dealt with logically and without causing any more meltdowns.
The body has gained a lot of weight since we left Utah. We stopped fasting, and suddenly the body got rather... big. It's traumatic, for me, which is why I don't like to front, although I have to, to keep things in line. Problem is, that dysphoria makes it hard to anchor, so any reference to the body, or the cause for its largeness, will almost instantly cause one of the underground voices to shove me out of control. This happens 9 times out of 10, as well, so to speak. It's rather hellish. Ironically I have no problem with the body in and of itself. How it looks and functions does not bother me whatsoever, and when I am anchored I am not bothered by it in the slightest... however, when I am anchored I still don't consider myself to be in the body. (It's why I have trouble using it.) The minute I make eye contact with a mirror, or if someone refers to me as the body, I flicker and sputter out. I'm not sure if I could fix that, let alone if I should. I'm still trying to find someone upstairs to be a permanent downstairs fronter (within reason), but the only person who actually identifies with the form is Jess, and not only is she highly malevolent, but she takes control of the body whenever she feels like it the way it is.
With that in mind, my main concern is that we can't run from her triggers. Like it or not, the body needs to eat, but eating is one of our biggest negative triggers on any front.
Some voice-- I'm not sure who-- views eating (not even gluttony, just eating in general) as an unforgivable sin, on the same level as lust. "They're both deadly sins, and they both involve consuming and destroying, so they are equally sinful," it insists. I tried to remind it that Wrath is also a deadly sin, but it spits back that its wrath is "justified" by our sinfulness, and therefore it is permitted. On that note, it explains that-- in its opinion-- all the other deadly sins (sloth, envy, greed, pride) stem from "me trying to pretend I'm someone important"-- sloth from "not wanting to do what others want me to do," envy and greed from "being a selfish witch," and pride from "me trying to make an identity for myself like I'm something special." I find this all somewhat confusing; it seems that it sees everyone else upstairs, good and bad, as one individual-- but then again, I may be guilty of these sins after all. I can't quite tell who I am anymore, and that saddens me.
Anyway. As far as food is concerned, I'm not sure who is eating what, how much, and when. I can't remember the last time I ate anything, which does not surprise me; I typically have nothing to do with that function of the body. Whoever does, though, isn't handling their job well. I'm hoping Emmett can become our permanent on that front, if at all possible-- he knows what makes the body sick, and he avoids it judiciously. Whoever is in charge of eating now... well, they don't care whether or not the body gets sick. Sometimes I wonder if they eat harmful foods for spite. I'm aware that my boss has tried to "call me into driving" several times during such occasions, and I'll suddenly find the body about to eat something very harmful, at which point I will immediately walk away in unsettled surprise.
Most importantly, once we leave the kitchen, the eating voices disappear. They ONLY show up in that context. I've realized that a LOT of the "voices" (not headvoices) we're struggling with are location-locked, moreso than context-locked. This means that if we are at a restaurant, the food voices might not show up at all, but the instant we set foot in the home kitchen, they're out and angry. I know a few very, VERY cruel voices used to be locked to the bathrooms, but they've since left (thank God)... unfortunately I know there's at least one locked to my bedroom now, which makes sleeping rather frightening at times.
I've written quite a lot here... I'm not sure how much is relevant to the point or not. Ah well. If I can only stay present and up front, I'm sure we can start taking steps to deal with this. All those rogue voices are tied to my brain somehow, so when they get crazy, I can't exactly anchor anywhere. We're working on it.

Personally, right now I'm trying to heal the resurfaced and surprisingly deep "fear of death" that is permeating the mind. The body's been in a lot of pain lately, and downstairs life in general has been highly stressful and rather despairing for all involved, not just us. So death is constantly hovering over our heads now, the sort of death that is unpredictable and painful, lingering and inescapable. We have no fear of suicide, or sudden death. We have no fear of what lies beyond. The fear I'm facing is the fear of "punishment" through death, as it views death as "divine retribution" for "not having lived life well enough." That alone is a dangerous mindset; if we suddenly contracted cancer, we'd blame ourselves for it within this mindset, viewing it as "God's righteous judgment" for some horrible sin we apparently committed.
I don't like that mindset, and I'll admit it. The idea that "God" is some sort of wrathful being, ready to strike down "evildoers" at the slightest mistake, bothers me greatly, but it's an old and rooted thought up here, one which I am having trouble removing.
That reminds me... I'm still reading When Rabbit Howls, and I'm currently on page 104, where a quote VERY relevant to this topic is spoken, in such a manner that I had to read it twice to convince myself it hadn't been stolen from our own head:
"Did I do something wrong? You look at me so funny. What did I do wrong? This is a lot like being back home. I was always scared I'd done something wrong. I spent a lot of time being scared that the mother would see the special badness the stepfather hinted we were capable of. Was it so horrible that he couldn't say it out loud? Why didn't I remember it? Why was he at me, everywhere I looked, trying to do things to me...?"
That is the EXACT mindset we had as a child. I don't know where that mindset originated from, but it's a VERY old and powerful one, and it's lethal. It's the exact mindset that gave Julie and the Tar to do what they did for years... and it's the same mindset that perpetuates all the self-abuse we still suffer through now.
It ties into the food problem, too. Every time we are forced to eat, the underground voices call us a "slut," saying we deserve to be abused or get deathly sick for "what we've done," and this thought is exacerbated by the grandmother constantly insisting that we're "eating too much, that's why you're fat," no matter how we try to make her happy with our choices. This lack of freedom to choose, AND the lack of an acceptable result on any end, makes Jessica furious and usually concludes with her attacking us or whoever else is in the room.
She did that ONCE while we were in SLC, and that single moment is probably my greatest regret from our entire time out there.

Let's not dwell on that any more than we have to though. No use putting extra energy into a problem. I'd rather focus on the solutions.
I'll try again tomorrow with different methods. I'm sure that one day we will succeed in tackling this problem for good, and we will lose this extra dysphoric weight, which will make it so much easier for us all to function on a day-to-day basis. Right now things are indeed nightmarish, but I don't lose hope. I don't ever lose hope.
True, I've had MANY people tell me it's wrong to hope, even spiritual people. It's cause me a great deal of distress, I admit. But ultimately, I just think of Madoka, and I take my definition of hope from her. That's what I hold on to. I will continue down this path for as long as I have to, healing everything I can.

On that note, I think I owe OFF an entry of my own, soon. That and Space Funeral. I can barely believe that it's literally only been a week since I became involved with both those games in earnest, and despite having already completed both within such a short time, they have had such a great impact on me. I owe them both a lot.
I have to smile, actually. I felt a funny sort of energy resonance with The Batter yesterday (or the day before?), like maybe he could visit the System if he wanted to. I think that's pretty cool, especially since it's occurring without that funny "relationship requisite" our teenage fronter inflicted on all the midslots. Does this mean we no longer have to worry about that? If so, I'm extremely thankful. That was quite a barrier for quite a while.
Uh, plus Dedan is somehow now an injoke? Last night I was exhausted, and when I was talking to Chaos, for some reason my brain kept thinking of Dedan instead of whatever else I was going to say, which made for some hilarious slip-ups (Dedan is awesome and stupidly pretty by my standards though so I'm not complaining). Chaos tried to "do the teeth thing" Dedan has going on (since he can reform his face obviously), but when he tried to talk like him, we realized that "dude Laurie is Dedan!" So now that's an injoke too, unsurprisingly! We got her to put on a coat like his and do this hilariously sassy pose, but after that she cracked up and I needed to sleep anyway, haha.
Still it's nice to be able to just joke around with them again, after what a mess I've been... which is exactly why those two games deserve my thanks! They're the only things to have broken through in a long, long time. I love everything about them both-- the music, the plots, the characters, everything. It's great. I keep smiling about it.
Here, I found a ridiculously adorable doodle of Enoch and Dedan so you can smile too.

Despite all that, Chaos and I are having a little bit of trouble upstairs still. Since I've been emotionally detached for so long, the mind and body are mistranslating a lot of things now. He can't get close to me without triggering a PTSD reaction sometimes, and risking someone else coming out instead of me. It hurts to see him so scared and hesitant around me, so I'm trying to fix this... unfortunately it doesn't seem to be something I can solve overnight, at least not permanently. I'm just so thankful it's nothing major, though, compared to what we've been through in the past.
I also gave some thought to relationships in general today, and why I can't have two-person-only relationships. Example: if I had to "marry my best friend," I'd have gotten hitched to Genesis, not Chaos-- but the thought of marrying Genesis is just straight-up not right for our relationship dynamic (especially since he's my BFF). Same with Laurie; I adore her, but I don't even dare to consider us in a relationship because that's not how we roll. My interactions with all three of them are completely unique as well. I can't get Genesis' sparkling, bright-eyed vibe from Chaos, nor can I get Chaos' oceanic sincerity from Laurie, or Laurie's steel-edged compassion from Genesis. I need all three of them to function. Chaos is my matesprit, Laurie's my moirail, and Genesis is somewhere in the middle. Rio and Markus are both more "friends" than anything, and always have been. Infinitii is on a level of his own, haha. Bottom line, though, is that I can't expect any one of them to take the place of anyone else, or to give me what I get from someone else on top of what they already provide. I can't force that, either, because sometimes I feel guilty and "obligated" to have a "traditional relationship" when downstairs thoughts get to me. We're under no such obligation and never will be. I suppose I just need to remind myself of that, in light of how strongly those outside influences are affecting translation upstairs... I know what I feel, and what is true to me, and under NO circumstances do I "need to force myself" to do something that feels utterly wrong just because someone else asks, or expects, or implies. I'm still having a hard time with that, sadly.

Infinitii has taken up temporary residence in the necklace I bought him, which is brilliant. It's a resin bubble with salt crystals in it and 16 crystals on top, which is really perfect in every way. He adores it, and during the day, if I look down at it I can see him inside, smiling up at me from on top of the crystals. I'm not sure how he does that-- I don't think it counts as "ghosting," so maybe it's a sort of mirror to his headspace bubble necklace? That feels viable. It makes sense, too, as an energy anchor. I wonder if anything else can do that?

It's getting late, and I lost so much time today that even though it's 1AM currently, I literally feel as if I've only been awake for 2 hours. Ah well, I'm used to that already, I suppose.
That is part of what I mean to close up with, though. I've been keeping tabs on all the other "voices" up here, and it's becoming easier to differentiate one from another, according to how they act, what triggers them, etc. I have confirmed that there are at least two male child voices, neither of whom are Kyanos (poor kid seems to be gone for good atm), both of whom I have handwriting samples of... and there IS a "promiscuous" voice that evolved in response to all the old abuse, which is something I have suspected for a LONG time but only got proof of recently.
My point here is that I'm understanding this better now. "Knowledge is power," they say, and the stronger of a grip I have on this, the easier I can deal with trouble when it appears, and the easier it is for me to stay rooted and conscious when things get hectic. If I don't understand what's happening, it is very easy to throw me off, as this sort of upstairs mania is excruciatingly draining when it hits if you don't know what you're dealing with.
Since we're dealing with some very old and very dangerous things here, I can't be too careful. The more I learn, the better.

That's all for tonight. I personally apologize for whoever has been updating in my stead recently; I'm tempted to make a rule that people must announce their name before they type now. Different colors could be intriguing, too... maybe I should host a unique Xanga session sometime soon, just see what color these voices come through as, if any. Plus I heard that Laurie is trying to get everyone in the Spectrum to learn how to write physically, so maybe we can attempt that tomorrow. We'll see.
As for now, I'm off to work.
Light and love to everyone. I think we need to be reminded of it right now.