prismaticbleed | broken black (Reply)

Now how do I get this color back, huh?

Two years ago, Infinitii Eternos took the fruit of temptation and risked becoming a demon in order to kiss a human boy. Ze sacrificed hir silent untouched purity in order to touch, in order to taste, in order to feel, and in doing so-- in gaining teeth and a tongue-- ze lost hir light, ze lost hir sight, ze lost hir soul. Infinitii Eternos turned from a seraph into a satan on that cursed summer night, and ever since then, my entire world has gone to hell.
That's what did it. My soul's "color compliment" was swallowed up in sin. The black to my white ceased to be stars and velvet and piano keys and silk, and instead turned into clogs of tar and clotted ink, clots of blood and sugar burnt to black. The sweet dark peace of gentle dreams turned into the horror of night paralysis with dawn a million years away. The jewelry-box glitter of a vast evening sky turned into the gaping hollow void of a lightless chasm beneath your feet. Black turned into black: a swirl of every color pigment draining its life to become instead a lack of any spectral hue. Infinitii effectively let hirself be slaughtered by something masquerading as love, because ze believed their lie that a knife through the heart was what love felt like. It's not. That's just murder. It's just death.

And now I'm facing the same dilemma that "I" did years ago, on JUNE 30th of 2011, when "Jayce"-- the "Jewel" of that time-- tried to fix the pink color of our Spectrum, which had also been corrupted.
Ironically, in attempting to do so, he fell into the same trap that Infinitii did, except HIS lie was in turning the wrong color White. Oh it was CLOSE at first; he KNEW what real White felt like-- light and color and purity-- but too quickly, oh too quickly, he became bleached-out and hyper-sterile, turning into a flat poison paint instead of a fragile electromagnetic beam. He wanted to be touched, and in doing so, he lost all his color. That's the curse, that's always the curse: that desire to fulfill sensuality that chokes spirituality in return.

And now I'm the only one left, in a very real sense, and I have ALL of those colors to fix.
Black needs to be purified. White needs to be purified. Pink needs to be purified. RED needs to be purified. Even mint green has to be purified. All of those colors-- and maybe more-- got utterly warped and wrecked during our stay in North Carolina, and if I don't purify them, I don't think I can ever truly move past that time period on a subconscious level, because I'm currently still working by those busted-up redefinitions when it comes to the spectral tones of my psyche.

So that's the important thought for this morning, as I sit here wearing a black nightgown, wondering for the third day in a row why it feels like I'm "dressed like a slut" solely because of the COLOR. There was a time, before that day in 2018, when wearing black would have felt holy, because I recognized the true aspects of God within it-- the silence, the mystery, the unfathomable depths, the purity of heart. EVERYTHING from God includes purity of heart. I recognize it now. It's the most beautiful feeling in the world. And it's missing from the label my mangled brain keeps slapping onto Black whenever I see it. So it needs to be fixed.
We'll get there. I'll make lists. I'll redefine it. I'll get the Book of Genesis up in this brain and remind it that In The Beginning, God SEPARATED the Light from the Dark, but BOTH EXISTED. And therefore I have to remember that, in this physical world, during this temporal time, there will ALWAYS BE BOTH SIDES and so I need to learn to DISCERN and DISTINGUISH. Recognizing the true, holy qualities of Black does not nullify the corruptive qualities that can and DO exist within that color elsewhere. It's just like, recognizing that I CAN be virtuous and good, does not erase my sinful propensity to do evil. I have a very hard time accepting that still. I think, ironically, in very black and white terms, because honestly I think that's the deep down reality of things. Sin CANNOT exist in heaven. There is NO wiggle room. It IS black-and-white. And that's how I wish things were here, except God doesn't. In His great Wisdom and Mercy, He allows gray to exist here, because if it didn't, we'd ALL be in hell right now. Instead, we get purgatory.
"And that, children, is what my Dream World series is about," I feel my mind say with a smile. It's true though! Which is why I really, honestly need to get that stuff online. God gave it to me as a talent, as a gift, and I can't keep burying it, because other people keep digging it up and spending it on LIES.
I need to take that holy talent and spend it in GOD'S KINGDOM because it will make a HUGE RETURN for Christ's glory and THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

That's slightly off topic, except it's not, because if there is ANY series of mine where Black is shown to be holy deep down in its dark heart BECAUSE GOD CREATED IT, it's Dream World. One word: VEZERAI. I love that little bugger and THIS IS PROBABLY WHY.
Darkness is a place where evil dwells, yes, BUT!!! It's only that way because EVIL LIKES TO CORRUPT THINGS and darkness was separated from Light in the beginning, making it the MOST easily corruptible thing ever. HOWEVER. God HIMSELF uses shadows and nightfall to make His glory known!! The ONLY thing WITHOUT God is hell, and we ALL know that the devil himself loves to pretend that hell is full of light. Well it's not. If it's any light, it's that awful buzzing artificial sickly yellow light that you get in bargain basements, fat with the stench of dollar bills and mildew. THAT'S hell. Fake light. It's not the sparkling splash of sunlight of God, and it sure isn't the soft and heavily tender darkness of God either!! It's ALSO not the terrific staggering shock of light that God can indeed be, that blinding luminosity that burns up all it touches, not out of malice but out of sheer power… and it's also not the darkness of God that erases all but itself, the holy blackness that turns the mind to its own mortality and forces it to its trembling knees in the Presence of that One Who cannot die and yet Who has power over all Death.

Now I apologize, but grandma just came into the room and lay back down in bed which has me worried and totally broke my train of thought, and I REALLY don't want to fall into sensual hell (a.k.a. the eating disorder, which I HATE but which my brain keeps defaulting to for unknown reasons?? it forgets that I HAVE a life to live and CAN live it, and instead keeps getting stuck in self-abusive dead loops) so I must close this up for now and check on her and then get to work with other creative things that glorify God, amen, have a beautiful day!