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Dec. 30th, 2020 11:14 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
Laurie found a NEW TUNE while I was SLEEPING. I had prog rock on my headphones and she just SHOWED UP IN-DREAM due to resonance. So that's awesome.

Lots of hope today. Planning daily schedules. Gonna bank on "tiny blocks of time" here and there to get stuff DONE despite constraints. Gonna take 10 SOLID MINUTES to do V/V writing now. Find some music to fit time blocks btw!

The plan is... to watch Doctor Who today. Jesus help me out if that's Your will too!!

Beautiful day so far oddly.

Spotify love Playlists.

Fixing door with grandma, failed. Blase helped. Noticed he was talking to me LIKE I WAS A REAL PERSON; this hit hard.

Realizing i have BIG Anger issues.

Tossed old bike. Vacuuming.

V/V work. "MIDDLE ROAD" importance!

Cioci Ann visited briefly.

Divine Office.

Father Spitzer! Love that guy. SHOCKINGLY HONEST

I think I'm FINALLY DONE WITH THE CELERY BENDER.

I have noticed that since I started actively identifying with Pink, I've started DRESSING LIKE JULIE. Right up to the twintails and earrings!!! IS THIS A THING IN HEARTSPACE??? Do hues INHERENTLY bestow/mandate/contain certain aesthetic attributes???

MASSTERPIECE DONUT CENTURION ON EWTN
ARE OUR SOULS UNDER JESUS'S AUTHORITY???
(FAITH!!!)
prismaticbleed: (angel)



I have long been upset that we do not have an Advent Wreath at home, so today I made my own. πŸ’œπŸ™πŸ•―



I saw this and instantly burst into tears.

I’m so tired of the world lately. I’m so tired of being alive. And now I can’t even go to church, my one refuge. I spend my days sobbing uncontrollably. All I want is God. Everything else is just miserable vanity.

But this, this is just… joy. Jesus, my Jesus, arms open, welcoming me, light and flowers and beauty, all of it feeling exactly like a homecoming– so simple, but purely so, perfectly so. I cannot put into words how this makes me feel, what weeping bliss it breaks into my heart. I want to run into His arms and stay there forever, forever, laughing with final relief and love. I’m home. It’s over. I’m home with my Lord and the hells below will never touch me again.

God knows I don’t have much time left here. I know. I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of not absolutely inundating every millisecond of my life with God while I remain– which I haven’t been doing as the daily war of illnesses is hell and the lack of monastic-grade worship is making it more of a hell. But I don’t give up, God help me. This is my hope. This image is exactly the goal that keeps me breathing.

Jesus, when its time to come home, I’ll come home rejoicing. Until then, let me keep my heart fixed on that thought. Keep the lights on for me.





The Varieties of Religious Experience (Series 1) Church of the Gesù

Mother Church of the Society of Jesus, the Jesuits.  Contains the tomb of St. Ignatius Loyola and many other saints.

Just take a few minutes and genuinely look at each photo here. Take in the depth of beauty, skill, and devoted love evident in the grandeur of architecture and art. Look at the natural glory of the light and space from God’s hands that perfects it all. Realize that every inch of this gorgeous church exists solely for the praise and worship and love of God– a temporal glimpse of the eternal bliss portrayed in that third photo, in the presence of our beloved Lord forever.

I could legitimately live here.




As the Lenten Season of penance and prayer begins, Catholics are called again to tread in the Way of the Cross with Christ… Despite the crown of thorns and reed scepter, bother intended as mockeries of Christ’s claims, His Divinity and majesty are evident. The persecutors of the present day, who force Christ’s Mystical Body to undergo the humiliation and suffering of the road to Calvary, will also find at last that Christ is truly King and that His divine power cannot be overthrown by earthly tyrants.

His divinity transmuted everything He touched, awakening deeper truths within it all. Those thorns are a true crown, for through humility and suffering Christ became King over all the earth, whereas a crown of gold would have been hollow and superficial. That reed is a true scepter, a sign of power through the most weak and broken thing, the ability of God to reign both through what the world deems useless, and to rule over the world and its empty power with those same humble means.

Behold, the Man– the true Man and the true God, His revelations a divine paradox, understandable only by the pure and simple of heart! May we walk His holy road with Him this Lent, seeking to imitate His divine example of blessed poverty of spirit and body, in order to ultimately share in His boundless riches in heaven!

We are His Mystical Body even today, and we must embrace His Cross in our lives all the more ardently in these terrifying times, for it is only through uniting our sufferings to Christ’s Passion that we, through Him, can rise triumphant despite it all.



Running this through Google Translate gave me some unexpectedly poignant results…

“I am yours, take Me back.”

“I Will; Uphold Me.”

“I Am. Receive Me.”

Just… what truths. Take Christ back into your heart. Obey His requests and defend His Word. Christ is born, both in history and in our hearts, then and now and always– He Is, so embrace Him!

We are worth more than many sparrows to the Lamb of God.

We are His, and He has come to bring us back to Him.




The Nativity by Gari Melchers

This is the mysterious glory of the Incarnation– that God Himself became man, became a tiny infant, in our shoddy gritty shadowed world, in time and space and temporality.

Jesus existed as the Light of the World right there in those dusty streets.

He still does.

And just… look at Saint Joseph. Mary is resting, exhausted from the effort of birthing divinity, as any of our souls would and will also be… but now, there is the Child; here is the Child, Light shining out of darkness, and His foster father is just looking at Him. Wordlessly, he gazes on in awe and wonder, perhaps even with some fear over what this means, what this will bring, in this world– but above all, he looks at Jesus Christ with tender love. He probably doesn’t understand much of what’s happening but that doesn’t matter here. He trusts in God, and he trusts in this Infant before him, fragile and small and infinitely brilliant, impossible to comprehend but there, alive, breathing and loving and his child.

I really, really love this painting.




The Cathedral of the Annunciation, Moscow, Russia

I suddenly find this so fitting, the golden-white warmth and beauty standing strong amidst the frozen black trees, the frigid grey sky. Yes, I adore winter, but I adore it’s beauty, the glory of God’s creative dream manifest in it, whether or not I’m freezing as a result. It’s beauty is constant, despite all inhospitable conditions.

And that’s what I see here– the Annunciation, the proclamation of perfect beauty in the very midst of a tumultuous world, despite all pain and hardship and sorrow and fear that marred man’s heart, and would continue to do so. Rejoice nevertheless! Christ has come, and His glorious Presence turns even the coldest snows, bitterest winds, and harshest ice into things of gorgeous gratitude. Christ transmutes it all– unfailing light and warmth in the dead of winter– and it all began with the Annunciation.




A church, burned and destroyed by ISIS during the group’s occupation of the predominantly Christian town of Bakhdida, Iraq.

The town was under ISIS rule between 2014-2016 when it was liberated by the Iraqi Security Forces.

Try as they may to destroy the buildings, those who oppose Christ can never destroy the true Church, for it is founded upon unshakable truth and grace.

Even now, these ruins speak in tragic triumph to the soul of their message. Although no mass is celebrated there now, the simple sight of the altar and icons is enough to move a heart to resolute rejoicing, to worship and gratitude, to an act of loving recognition of God despite destruction’s futile efforts to silence it.




Ecce Homo, Titian
 

I love how His Face looks so bruised, like the red He is holding… and yet there is this profoundly sad gentleness in His eyes, and that divine yet softly ineffable glow around His thorn-wrapped Head.

Behold, The Man. I adore every portrayal of Our Lord Jesus like this.




Mouth of Hell. Speculum humanae salvationis. Bruges. Ca.1460 Chicago, Newberry Library

Hell is so disturbingly carnal. Demons are always naked and wrathful and salacious and hungry. Hell itself is portrayed with a literal mouth, gulping down the damned, as heaps of animalistic devils ravenously chew and bite and devour fallen souls. It’s blood and spit and sweat and screams. There’s too much flesh, too much physicality. Hell is something far too tangible.

Inferno, Canto 24. The Divine Comedy. Gustave Doré ~ 1885 

What scares me the most about depictions of hell is how many people are in it. All of them, wracked with blind fear and awful despair… oh how we must strive to lead souls away from such a fate!



The Fall of the Rebel Angels (detail). Matthias Berckmans ~ 1643 Kerk Sint-Gummarus [Lier] 

The textures in this are terrifyingly fascinating. That’s something I’ve noticed in art– that holy angels are textured by their beautifully billowing garments, while fallen angels are textured by contorted coils of flesh. Just looking at the writhing bodies here, the pain and rage of hell is nearly tangible.


 

Des douze Perilz d'enfer, Robert Blondel. Bourges ~ ca.1480 BnF via Bibliothèque Infernale on FB

There is a harrowing power in the condensed message this painting. It’s something I love about medieval art like this– space itself is relative, so that the image becomes more symbolic than literal.

Here, we see Adam and Eve cast out from Eden, but they are entering what appears to be a castle gate– the doors to the “gilded prison” of the world. Furthermore, this is juxtaposed against the fall of the rebel angels, also cast out of God’s presence and into the world, their stolen kingdom and castle… a horrifying sight, marked by the angel’s flaming sword, as if in solemn warning to the first couple that disobeying God is never a small matter.

I also like that the blue of the angel’s wings reflects the distant glory of both heaven and the faraway scenery– something beautiful that we yearn for and must strive to eventually reach. Heaven is the faraway kingdom, and we only can reach it by means of God’s gracious help, for no fallen thing can ever crawl back up, nor can anyone cast out of Eden ever reenter. But, through Christ, we can be reborn, restored, and re-initiated into heaven’s pure light, and that is our greatest hope.




Knight, Death and Devil. Aleksandrov ~ 2012 via Bibliothèque Infernale on FB

Ahead of every Christian soldier looms the fact of his terrible death, and behind him creeps the fact of his terrible past. Yet he must pay no heed to their whispers, their mockeries, and their attacks, for they only seek to drag him from the straight and narrow path. The Christian soldier must put on the full armor of God and march ever onwards in steadfast faith, knowing that in Christ neither death nor the devil hold any power over him.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me…



Tower of Babel. Aleksander Mikhalchyk. Ukraine 

At first glance, this great tower does seem wondrous– but keep looking, and its utter hollowness becomes obvious. This is nothing but a monument to man’s pride and selfish ambition, striving to reach the glory of heaven but never able to either achieve or imitate its beauty. It’s just rock and rubble in the end. Without God, even the most magnificent work of human hands is worthless dust.



Isaac Blessing Jacob, 1670, Bartolome Esteban Murillo

I’m studying Genesis 27 right now, and I dearly love how intimately this historic moment is presented here… how commonplace it feels, with the holy scene indoors juxtaposed against the unaware outside world. I also really love that Rebekah is there, too! I never imagined the scene that way, but it’s a notable and sweet addition.

The use of color and shadow in this is sublime as well. It’s a joy to the eyes, as much as its content is to the heart.



Descent from the Cross, 1311, Duccio di Buoninsegna

 

There is such tenderness in everyone’s postures, actions, and expressions here– but my heart is just breaking at Mary.

I can’t even find words to describe her, here. It’s beyond words. I could meditate on this moment of ineffably mournful yet triumphant love between her and her Son for a very long time.

I really, really love this painting.




A mosaic of The Last Supper from the Benedictine Sisters’ Clyde Monastery Chapel in Missouri.

What strikes me the most about this is that Judas is almost visually invisible. He is lost in the shades of the mosaic around him– whereas all the other Apostles stand out clearly. It’s quite a heavy symbolic warning of the gravity of sin, especially that of hypocrisy in religion.




Our Lord Jesus Christ (Notre-Seigneur Jésus-Christ), James Tissot

This image of Jesus is overwhelming; it moves me to weeping. It is so beautiful, yet so powerful. I am stunned with love of Him Who loves me.

Behold, our Lord, His Hands pressed to His Heart, His Face solemn and serious– hear His unspoken words, this physical declaration of His ultimate Incarnated Love! Understand the importance, the gravity, the ultimate end and goal of the Truth communicated here: God is Love, and Jesus is God, and Jesus is Love, and that infinite eternal Love is there, here, tangible, tender and true and powerful within that Heart, beating for us beneath His Hands!

He is our Lord! What is there for us besides Him? He is our joy, our hope, our peace– He is our Everything, and He wants to be our everything; He desires so strongly to give us all He is that He even became a man like us, to live with us and love us in an intimately human way, in a way so staggeringly close that, I wonder, if we truly grasp the hugeness of it. God became a man so He could live and die for love of us. His death, cruel and tragic, merciless and bloody, He suffered at will so that we could be pardoned and live. His death was and is the righteous sentence for our sins and God Himself, our Judge, became also our sole source of pardon before Him, because He loves us and wants us to live– truly live, free from sin, full of hope, and able therefore to love Him with hearts broken in reciprocal love.

I honestly could speak His praises forever from the surge of ardent love I feel in beholding this image of Jesus. He is my love and my life, and that’s what hits so hard about His Hands and Face here– He knows this, and He knows how crucial, how vital, how monumental the Truth He is not only indicating, but Incarnating, is… and He so tells us, in this gesture of unfathomably passionate love hidden beneath humility, that we must never take this Truth lightly.





Annunciation, 1897, Carlos Schwabe.

I love how Mary is almost completely covered by light and flowers here– it highlights her selflessness, her focus on God alone. Surrounded by emblems of holiness, purity, and fruitfulness, a water jug at her feet, Mary becomes the bringer of Living Water and Divine Light to the whole world, the sweet fragrance of heaven itself clinging to her clothes.




The Annunciation
Cornelis van Poelenburgh—1635
 

The composition of this is stunning– with the clockwise embrace of clouds and angels leading to Gabriel’s outstretched hand, but ending right at the door, leaving Mary framed by a complimentary curve of earthly shadow. It’s the only thing separating them.

But that door feels like Christ– it feels like Mary’s ‘Fiat’ that brought Him into her world, down from heaven and into the flesh. She became His door to earth, and through her, He became our door to heaven. But no one else could open it– not even Gabriel, nor any other celestial power. He only revealed this potential passage, through God’s ultimate question, and gave her the choice as to what to do. And she said yes– yes, I will open the floodgates of heaven! Yes, I will open the door for Him! And thus, the divine was wed to the human, and Jesus Christ became man, in the womb of the humbly blessed Virgin Mary.




Alfred Agache (1843 - 1915)

L'Annonciation, 1891

Mary, Gate of Heaven and Star of the Sea, surrounded by their infinite blue, the vine above her reaching upward to the unseen realms where the True Vine she was about to conceive also hailed from.

And Gabriel, humble and honored, dressed in surprisingly earthly tones, knows he is not the focus here. He signifies the bringing of heaven to earth, foreshadowing the Son of God being wrapped in flesh, indistinguishable from any other earthly man in mere appearance. But these two figures, messenger and Mother, know the Truth about to be manifested– that the human girl dressed in heaven’s hues was to conceive God’s Son Himself as a little boy, and so unite both their realms and realities… the grandest end, in the humblest beginning, in this small exchange between two souls before the endless sea and sky.




Annunciation (detail)
by Michael Wening

The Christ Child was conceived in Mary’s Immaculate Heart even before He came into her womb.

So it must be with us, spiritually– we, too, must echo our Blessed Mother’s “yes” to His birth in our lives, letting the Divine Infant be conceived in our hearts, letting Him become the Lord of our lives, bringing Him to all we meet with humble yet exultant joy.




Annunciation
Mikhail Nesterov,

I love the dignity Mary shows here. Her “Fiat” is given with total willful grace, total surrender in love. There is no hesitation, doubt, fear, or confusion in her here– only humble pious finality, her agreement being the unbreakable foundation of Jesus’s coming Gospel on earth. The fruit tree blooming above her prophesies this, the divine Fruit of her womb coming, too, from above.

Lastly, I also love how Gabriel’s wings are that same gorgeous blue, the hue of heaven that so embraces our Blessed Mother.




Anunciación de Jaime Serra (Zaragoza, ZARAGOZA).

It always stuns me when God the Father is portayed with Jesus’s face– because that’s literally the only visible face the Father has for us. Yes, we can recognize God’s Presence in all of Creation, and we can acknowledge Christ’s Presence in the hearts of those who receive Him, but to see the Face of God? In the Old Testament, that very visage would strike you dead– innocently but inevitably, as no mortal mind could even comprehend His Face, let alone lay eyes on something so transcendent, so holy, so Real.

And then the Annunciation happened, and immediately, God began knitting together a Face for Himself in the womb of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Jesus is how we can look at God. The Father is seen in the Son, both literally and figuratively. Jesus Christ IS the “Face” of our Creator, in such a directly intimate way it moves one to tears– for only through Christ’s eyes can God meet our gaze with the most incomprehensibly tender love.





Details I love in this: the softness of Gabriel’s wings, the gentleness of their hand positions, the practically tangible light around the Holy Spirit, the way lines and angles all flow together in harmony, the delicate colors, Mary’s foot.



I really love this. God and Gabriel, moments before the First Mystery of Joy came to be– and dear Mary, as yet unaware of her most blessed role in salvation history. What a thought.



crawlingtowardchrist:

Always remember why we are Christian. God’s sacrifice is so unimaginable, incredible, and more than any one of us could ever do. Today is the day that Our Lord showed how much He loved us, and how much pain He would go through to save us!


 

This is the heartwrenching, gorgeous, terrible and beautiful paradox of Easter– that this awful truth of Christ’s bloody yet loving sacrifice of Himself has purchased for us eternal life and salvation through Him, through that same love.

Christ Crucified is not an image of death. This image, this vision of unimaginable pain, is also a declaration of unfathomable love. Christ chose this suffering in order to deliver us from damnation. This is how dearly He loves us!

This same Jesus who submitted to death has conquered death, victorious in His humble obedience, and has so opened the gates of heaven for us to enter through His holy example. Let us rejoice in this greatest of hopes, and now let us allow Him to wipe away our tears, for He Who Died has now been raised from the dead and lives forever!




“And may the God of peace, who brought again from the dead the great pastor of the sheep, our Lord Jesus Christ, in the blood of the everlasting testament, Fit you in all goodness, that you may do his will; doing in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom is glory for ever and ever. Amen.” - Hebrews 13:20-21

(The Risen by Severin Benz) +

He is truly risen!!

I love the use of color and shape here– the hard square browns of the rocky tomb elicit thoughts of the Cross, especially with the blood-red shroud draped across it at such a sharp intersecting angle. Yet from that same point, Christ’s crucified foot rises above it now, with beautifully billowing waves of purest white, the robes of our Living God wrapped about Him like the very clouds of heaven. Around Him, the blues of evening twilight brighten into the golds of dawn, night into day, darkness into light, even as He transmutes death into life. His Wounds still visible, His Cross now held as the banner of triumph, Jesus has been resurrected, and now points us to the heavenly Kingdom, Himself the Way, Himself the Victory.

Alleluia!!



“Make me a channel of your peace!” -St.Francis of Assisi 

This is arguably my favorite image of any Saint and Our Lord. The tenderness and devotion of the Love between Christ and Christian, made even more powerful by the Cross and Blood, and driven home by the shared Stigmata, strikes straight to my heart.

I could meditate on this image for years.
 


Reblogging this for everyone else with a cross of chronic illness, its constant reminder of mortality, and the feelings of helplessness and despair that may bring. Never give up. Keep faith, keep hope, keep joy, all of it in God. Fix your heart so firmly on Christ that nothing can shake you, for His Love will hold you secure. Although our bodies are dying, and inevitably so, Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life, and through Him– in Him, with Him, for Him– we have the promise of life eternal.

Never give up. The end is not the end.




Gerard van Honthorst, The mocking of Christ, ca. 1616-7

I think about this painting a lot. I can’t get over the striking contrast between the contorted faces of the shadowed men, loudly jeering and laughing, and the utterly innocent surrender of Jesus Christ, completely unresisting, His Face soft yet profoundly sad in the light, even with a rope around His neck, even with the red thrust rudely into His Hand, even with His Head pierced and bleeding. There’s a genuinely visible divinity about Jesus here, hidden to worldly eyes, right in the midst of suffering and mockery. It’s very moving.



Saint Joseph, look, I’m tired tonight,

But somehow I think that you care;

For being a father and one who works

Are things that both of us do share.

It tires a man, yet the heart is high,

For, Patron Saint, it’s all worth while.

Its rich reward is a loving wife,

And joyous light in a child’s smile.

O, Father, Worker, bear with me,

Help me, Joseph, to do my best,

To love, protect my family

Till work shall cease and Heaven is rest.

 

[My beloved grandpa died two years ago this April. We found this little prayer card as we were cleaning his work desk three days ago. I daresay Saint Joseph did answer this sweet petition for him. He is indeed now at rest, and today I specially remember him with love as I share this with you. Happy Father’s Day to all. πŸ’›]




tomicscomics: It’s too soon for him to realize it’s too soon.
 

I actually love this because yes, those wood & nails DID hurt Jesus eventually, but! He still followed His dad’s advice, in a profound way– Jesus was ‘bullied’ worse than ever when He was crucified, His feelings being not just hurt but His Heart entirely broken… and yet, Jesus chose the Cross. He chose it when He was hated by the whole world. Jesus chose the wood & nails when others may have fought back or cursed in vengeance. Jesus bore all the hurt Himself, so no one else would have to, and He did it out of mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Carpentry ironically proved to actually be the literal answer for everything, in that Cross. Father knows best– pun intended!




Richly detailed stained glass like this really pulls at my heart, as the stunning colors and intricate artwork serves to glorify the portrayed truth in such a special way.

The luxuriant hues of the women’s garments speak symbolically– Mary’s blue speaking of the Divinity in her womb, the white attesting to her virgin purity; Elizabeth’s red humbly attesting her mortal age yet the gold of God’s light lifting it to miraculous fruitfulness! Even their halos speak: Mary, green as the new Eve, the true Garden, crowned with the gold of God’s power alive in her… Elizabeth in violet, inspired by the Holy Spirit to praise the Son hidden before her, this same color even highlighting her right foot, turned towards His Mother, turning her aged life to a new eternal life in following this new and beautiful Way.

The angels quoting the Gospel on their banners are truly gorgeous, their faces peaceful yet joyful, their very presences unseen by the women in time yet proclaimed by us in recognizing wonder. They elicit feelings of mysterious bliss, a trembling awareness of the incomprehensible God at work in this seemingly mundane exchange, a conversation that the eyes of the world can neither revere nor respect, but which the Children of God see and know and love for its eternally profound significance.

Religious art is a magnificent gift to God’s people, a gift given by Him and for Him, for His glory and love and gratitude. May all artists in His Church use their talents wholeheartedly for this holy purpose!



Pacecco de Rosa, 1607-1656
Salome with the head of Saint John the Baptist
 

This is, in my opinion, one of the most disturbing portrayals of this event. It immediately strikes you how YOUNG Salome is. This girl, practically a child, danced for her stepfather and his lustful guests, then had her own mother use her to request the coldblooded death of a prophet, even John the Baptist, the harbinger of Christ Himself. And this child likely was completely ignorant of the great evils she was both the key player in and enabler of. Had she no conscience, no sense of moral propriety, no questions of motive? But this painting answers that, to me. Look at her face, at her blankly passive eyes, a child doing what mommy and daddy want and simply pleased with that, yet fatally incomprehensive of the greater immoral underpinnings of her obedient actions.

That backdrop of utter detachment and empty motive makes John's doom all the more awful. The greatest Prophet's mouth is open just beneath Salome's ears, but death is not what silenced him. Those who could hear him would hear him even in death. No, John's words were smothered only by hers, her simple fatal and terrible demand-- for regardless of the truth, regardless of the bigger picture, she neither knew nor cared nor concerned herself with it... and so, here, on that wretched silver platter, he is just a severed head.



Saint Jerome Writing, 1605, Caravaggio

I feel such a deep love for Saint Jerome, honestly. Just these images of him… an old man, alone in dark silence, devoted to studying the Word of God. I live with my beloved grandparents so I know the wrinkled forehead, the bald pate, the worn and fragile skin, the white and fraying hair. I also know the strength that illumines even a fading body through faith. I see that sliver of a blessed halo above that downturned face in holy focus and I genuinely love this Saint, this old man who adores the Lord, and I cannot wait to meet him in heaven, and I pray to imitate him more while I grow older on this earth until then.

Dear Saint Jerome, pray for us!




“Our Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. The weight seems unbearable but you carry it because in His love and mercy, the Lord helps you and gives you strength.”

-Saint Padre Pio

This is so true– and the sculpture illustrates it so beautifully! Look at our Lord, how He leads us with gentle but unshakable reassurance! To imagine myself in Padre Pio’s place… it actually makes my heart ache with love. What joy there is to carry the Cross with Christ! β€πŸ™

 



I never tire of meditating on the mystery of Christ’s Agony in the Garden. It’s heartwrenching and unfathomably deep. Christ, the Son of God, was in agony over what He was about to suffer for the salvation of mankind– He was going to do it, He wasn’t running away, but He asked His Father for mercy nevertheless. “If this cup can pass from me…” and He wept and sweated blood and pleaded with His friends to keep Him company and He suffered.

It’s… too much for my heart sometimes. “Not my will but Thine,” and He meant that sincerely, but it didn’t abate the pain, and that means a great deal to remember. Seeing my Savior like this, crumpled in sobs and desperate prayer, awaiting His own gory death… the Creator of the World Himself, trembling, helpless, fragile, and small in the shadows of the darkly knotted trees… it’s truly a divine mystery. And it’s just as beautiful as it is sorrowful.




Detail from Christ Crowned With Thorns, Dieric Bouts, 1470.

I am sure our Savior wept, silently perhaps, but still with His entire aching Heart, during the tortures of His Passion. He incarnated partly to share our weaknesses and pains, to be able to fully understand and assist us in our own torments… and He incarnated entirely to die. His saving death gives us life– but so, too, do His Tears, in a less literal way. Jesus wept because He felt every pain we have ever felt. He knows our afflictions. He knows how much it hurts. And so His Holy Tears flow with His Precious Blood, as He bears the Crown of Pain itself, the King over even those things that hurt us. He is Lord over all, and there is not a single thorn in our lives that He has not felt first. He is with us in every ache, crying with us, and loving us entirely.

Won’t you comfort Him in His sorrow, He Who wept to comfort you?




Simon Marmion - Man of Sorrows (c. 1460). Detail.

Presented so starkly, it becomes an honest shock to remember that nails were hammered through His Holy Hands. Nails! Big metal nails, sharp and solid, punched through flesh and sinew and bone and into raw wood… and then, after hours of world-changing agony, they were pulled out again– what an awful yet holy task!– leaving garish wounds, big bloodied holes, in their place.

Have you ever bled so? This sight, of red running down His arms in fat sticky drops, have you ever suffered similarly? True, nothing you have endured can compare to this, these sacred traumas, but can you empathize? Can you feel a twinge of shared suffering? Does your heart wince, imagining His great anguish, your own scars a mysterious reminder of His?

And His Pierced Side… oh, no human soul can fathom!

Look upon Him and tremble with grieving love! Weep with sorrow; reach out to comfort Him Who was crucified without consolation for your sake! We all suffer our splinters and sores, and we know how bitter injuries can be, so give this solace to your Savior, that you will endure your future pains with humble remembrance of His!

“Be not faithless, but believing.” (John 20:27) Reach out and feel His Hands, even here, even now. Behold thy Lord and thy God!





The Flagellation
This rare 18th century Spanish colonial figure represents The Flagellation of Jesus Christ. Hand carved and polychrome painted wood with inset glass eyes.
Unknown Artist.
 

Look at His back!!

His shoulders, His knees, from being crushed to the ground in agony, His shoulders, from the edges of the scourge…!

The blood He shed for us is unfathomable and it breaks my heart in half.

My Lord, what are you thinking, in such shocking pain, in such awful sorrow? What has moved your holy Face to such pensive distress?

O that I, too, should share Your grief-stricken meditation, in holding the terrible sight of Your wounds in my heart!



Every time I remember that Jesus kept His Wounds it just floors me. Our Savior is a Crucified Savior and that is so important to knowing Him, to understanding why He was born, and what He does for us now in Heaven.

I just see this, those horrible holes, dripping with dark blood, aching in agony, and I realize there is no bitterness or despair or complaint in it at all– it is Love, only Love, that suffered and died to save us from the pain of sin, to deliver us from damnation: a doom so unbearable that God Himself endured unbearable pain in order to destroy the very root of it.

Jesus keeps His Wounds to remind us that it is finished, that His Death is our Life, and His Blood is our Healing. What trembling joy and holy fear a heart must feel upon beholding them!

 



Christ in the Desert [1872]; Ivan Kramskoi [1837 - 1887]

This is forever one of my favorite paintings.

Look at that horizontal line of clouds, so low and dim; look at that bleak and rocky ground, so harsh and grey… Look at our Lord’s face. Look at his hands. Look at the way his robe is pulled tightly, as if against the cold desert night. I swear I can feel the silence, the vastness, the time… this artwork speaks volumes without a word. It is heartachingly beautiful.




Daniel Gerhartz

Every time I see these paintings, the sheer tender beauty of the light and color makes my heart ache in awe. The jewel tones are so precise, so stunningly vibrant amidst backgrounds of warm neutrals that they feel like rainbows gleaming in a dun sky. The brushstroke technique adds to this– everything is soft around the edges, watery like looking through tears, blurred like a dream right before waking. It feels specially transcendent because of this, as if its glorious subject matter is too magnificent to portray in any solid human manner or method… and indeed, isn’t it so? The radiance of Christian religion glows with divinity in every blessed item and action so devoted to it; it is perfectly fitting that any work of art striving to capture the precious essence of that worship would ultimately turn out like this– hazy with holiness, giving us a trembling but true glimpse of heaven’s splendor beyond the veil.




Polyptych of the Resurrection Virgin Annunciate, 1522, Titian

“Behold, the handmaid of the Lord.”

The great love, purity, and humility of our Lady is somehow so visible here, in the touching and sincere simplicity of her pose– the bowed head, the downturned eye, the hand to her heart. And yet her arms are open. She does not hide herself, nor turn inwards, but offers herself totally to God. So it is that the virginal red of her humanity is embraced by the blue of Divinity, with the pure white triangle of the Trinity fixed like a seal upon her heart… and the Mother of God shines as the morning star out of the darkness of the world.

“Be it done to me according to thy word.”




God loves us all. He doesn’t see political parties. He sees the heart. And even the most hardened sinner, even the most lost soul, has a chance to be redeemed and saved through His Divine Love and Mercy, if only they would believe in His Truth, and humbly submit to His teaching!

So remember this before you are tempted into judging politicians as people. They are sinners, just like us. And they are still precious to God, just like us. We are all at His mercy, and indebted to His Love. So let us honor Him by treating each other with merciful love, too.

Vote for policy, not personality– and above all, vote according to Christ.





When I feel distressed and helpless in life, it truly helps to think of Christ holding me like this, as His Child, His Creation. Even now, He sees me and remembers me from before my birth, when I was known only to Him, but known completely and perfectly, and loved just the same. He holds me and knows me and loves me still, and forever, and that gives me such comfort. Even if the world sees me as worthless and purposeless and unwanted, Christ calls me His Own, and that is my undying hope.



HOPE IN GOD 

Death can shatter many hopes; it cannot break the Ties which unite an Immortal Soul to the Souls which it loves immortally.






The Temptation by the Devil
, 1865

Gustave Doré, 1832-1883

 

I really love this, actually. There’s a symbolic visual truth to it that really strikes me.

Here we have Satan, fallen angel, self-proclaimed illegitimate prince of the earth, brazenly and bitterly trying to get Jesus to worship him– Jesus, the King of all worlds, the Creator of life itself, the very source and summit of incorruptible light– and yet, the devil is at Christ’s feet. He’s on his knees, furiously imploring perhaps, goading and sneering... But Jesus doesn’t even look at him. He knows that the devil has no right to sell His own planet back to Him.

And honestly, it’s apparent. The devil gestures to his “kingdom,” but all we see is a tiny huddle of man-made architecture swallowed up in miles of untouched green. And so is the truth. Amidst the wilderness of God’s natural art, all of man’s achievements– all the devil claims to control– will ultimately be reduced to the rubble and dust it came from, and time will proclaim God’s endless sovereignty. The devil has nothing to sell. And truly, Jesus knows it– as surely as He knows the birds flying free, which He protects to the last tiny chick, and as surely as He knows the sun, blazing gloriously behind Satan’s ignorant claw, testifying to the eternal light that will defeat him with every sunrise. Jesus owns the hills, the sky, the clouds, the dirt, the dawn, and the devil himself. But there is one last, heavy, hidden truth.

His Holy Face shining with the promise of true kingly glory, Jesus looks away from the devil’s spoilsand wreathed in the red that will one day purchase the one thing He wishes to claim irrevocably as His own special possession, he looks to us. And His eyes say, you are worth the cost.




122920

Dec. 29th, 2020 12:29 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)
The mystery of the Scourging is that Herod KNEW Jesus was innocent, and yet he STILL HAD HIM SCOURGED!!! This is SUCH a powerful argument in mysterious support of "why do good people suffer".

Write about WHY all your patron Saints ARE so beloved by you! And if any are lacking venerable affection, GET SOME

God has worked SUCH PROGRESS IN ME during this year, which even I cannot see until I really dig deep.
I mean, LOOK AT JULY!! Back in January, I had virtually no Marian devotion OR real love of the Rosary. Now I'm three days away from Consecration and I am OBSESSED with the Mysteries.

I finally love Our Lady of Guadalupe and God mark my words, Saint Therese is next!

THE SYSTEM RESURRECTED, we got a Christmas rebranding, we pray the Divine Office together, Razor joined a convent, and we're ALL growing closer to God daily.

Chaos found his heartname-- Charis Zelos-- after YEARS of searching.

PHLEGMONI joined the Outspacer Spectrum outta NOWHERE

...

Support is given from a WILLING HEART. This is why people more readily give money to things that are funny, cute, emotionally evocative, tied to their interests, etc. It's a rerouting of selfish bias to uphold a selfless cause. People DO take manipulative advantage of this, but it can ALSO be used for the great benefit of the most in need-- if people will not give out of pure charity, they will give if you associate your cause with something important to their identity, and/or with something that elicits a positive reaction in them prior to the SUGGESTION of support in any sense. Effectively, you are ESTABLISHING LOYALTY and then banking in it, literally. But TAKE NOTE! LOYALTY MUST BE HONORED!! Whatever you do TO spark that response on their end MUST BE SINCERE ON YOUR PART AS WELL. Otherwise, you're a liar, and a manipulative one at that.

But yeah. This is a huge note to self that, in the League, JOY, OPTIMISM, HUMOR, EMPATHY, & COMMUNITY ARE VITAL!!!

Blessed are they who MOURN: suffering because of illness, intolerance, inconvenience, etc. Is BLESSED because it is a suffering FOR CHRIST??? He cannot wipe away our tears if we DONT CRY ANY.

How true is love if it refuses to suffer for the loved one? That's conditional.

la salette

Dec. 29th, 2020 12:02 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

Our Lady of La Salette.

The Blessed Virgin Mary, in her appearance as Our Lady of La Salette, has always struck my heart most deeply. This face of hers– weeping yet serene, crowned with pearls and roses– is the face of a beloved mother to me, a mother whose sorrowful heart I dearly wish to console, whose warnings of mercy I strive to heed. She is beautiful but she is quietly terrible, gilded with chains and reminding us of sovereign Justice. But I love her so much the more for that. I love that absolute honesty, that glory of Heaven she manifests in its ineffable purity– and the consequences our sins against that purity will have if we do not repent, if we do not refashion our damaged hearts to more closely resemble hers, with its swords and roses both. Mary is always a Mother, always a presence of compassion and gentleness, but like any good mother, she will always admonish us for our disobedience, pointing us strongly in the right direction. Thank God for Mary.

...

Let me be blunt. For most of my life, I sadly had little to no devotion to Mary, because I had a history of long-term traumatic abuse perpetuated by women, beginning in childhood. Therefore I could not even imagine a non-abusive female figure, especially not a mother figure, and so, even Mary felt threatening to me. This was a shallow and false assumption, true, but unfortunately my mind had no other grounds from which to view a woman at that time. To me, women hurt you. That was all I knew. And so I never knew Mary either.

As I grew older and entered an equally disturbed adulthood, I reached a crisis point and tried to strengthen my battered faith. God was my sole refuge and I was now desperate enough to want to have at least one kind woman in my life-- so where better to look than to Mary?

And so I gradually began to learn about Marian apparitions and devotions. Once again, none drew me in. All still felt frightening or foreign.

Then I met Our Lady of La Salette. The weeping virgin. She looked so different from all other depictions of Mary. And yet it was still her!


(left unfinished)

122420

Dec. 24th, 2020 12:31 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!! πŸ’šβ€

CONFESSION (in the car) with Father Knife
Laurie too "the angel is in"
1111 as we spoke together, felt like a sign from God

DAD VISITED!!! πŸ₯Ίβ€ he gave us homemade cookies that smell like him, aka smoke. I love it so so much.

WIGILIA COOKING!!
Abundance provided, thank you God

Also remember that on Saturday we spent all day BAKING COOKIES WITH GRANDMA ❀

Lots of cleaning but happy

CHARIS ZELOS "beautiful terrible love of my life"
Tears and wings and sincere kiss. Actually FEELING Love.

Hope. At long last, joyful hope.

Christ is born!!!
prismaticbleed: (angel)


Now the earth was without shape and empty, and darkness was over the surface of the watery deep, but the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the water. (Genesis 1:2 NET)

The image of the Holy Spirit "fluttering" over the endless depths is delicate yet profound-- like a small bird, like a flower touched by the wind, like a heart. There's a striking fragility here in its apparent smallness, and yet in that same movement we perceive the moving of galaxies themselves-- something that looks slow and soft, and yet is actually incomprehensibly huge and powerful. The Spirit moves upon the water, and then it moves the water itself. There is a great and awesome beauty here.

----------------

God called the light “day” and the darkness “night.” There was evening, and there was morning, marking the first day. (Genesis 1:5 NET)

God divided the Light & Dark into Day & Night; there is an awesome truth here. Nighttime is the "default" state of the universe; it exists as space itself. But God made Light-- He created luminaries to stellate the black, and those lights ALLOW Day to exist at all... but only for an observer, only for a created thing on a planet, looking up and out. It is only then that one has the context and environment necessary TO perceive Day as existing at all, as a special created thing. This again highlights the wonder of Earth.

----------------

And God made the expanse [of sky] and separated the waters which were under the expanse from the waters which were above the expanse; and it was so [just as He commanded]. God called the expanse [of sky] heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. (Gen 1:7-8 AMP)
 
The SKY is special to Earth, separating us from space, like light from darkness. But this also frames space as AN OCEAN!

Meditate on this: the firmament that separates earth from space, order from chaos, light from dark, water from water, is called not just "sky," but also HEAVEN. This is not to say space is evil, for it is not-- God created it too, and saw it was good-- but it highlights the unique connection earth has TO heaven, compared to the rest of the universe.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LYRICS TO REWRITE, SO THEY AREN'T STUPIDLY SEXUAL, SIMPERING, SELFISH, AND/OR ROMANTIC



1. "I can't make you love me" = JESUS.
Because the chorus HITS HARD when it's from Him.

I am the Light
I am the Word
I am the Truth no matter what you have heard
I am your Savior
Your Lover and Friend
I wait for your love,
(Dont Pretend?)

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
I can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the monstrance, if you seek my Face
I will give you my Heart, my Mercy and Grace
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

My heart is broken, because I can see
The love you don't feel when you're here with me
Sunday will come, Communion impart (?)
You go through the motions, but where is your heart?
Where is your heart?

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
I can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the monstrance, if you seek my Face
I will give you my Heart, my Mercy and Grace
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't


----------------------------------------------------------

TWITTER POSTS:

I can feel my heart settle into prayer the way a tired child settles into its mothers arms. In God's heart I'm safe, I'm comforted, I'm loved, I'm home. Relatedly, sin is a snake biting at our feet. It's terrifying, and indeed lethal, BUT prayer is like a child's cry to their loving parent for protection, who PICKS THEM UP and holds them safe. Without God's rescue, sin will kill us. But if we let ourselves stay held, we're safe.

"In desiring to be, things implicitly desire God." (Saint Thomas Aquinas) = This speaks disturbing volumes on the nature of suicide and self-abuse. That desire for non-existence is inherently demonic, and opposed to the very nature of God. This is also why Hope is a Theological Virtue.

Resistance to God is always a result of Pride. Divine Mercy can't help the proud as they deny their need for it, & Divine Justice will crush them as they deny their deserving of it! Whereas the humble admit their great guilt and need of mercy both, allowing Divine Mercy to act & temper God's Justice.

Jesus Christ is Truth Himself. Our feelings and thoughts about Him do not change that fact. This is a profound consolation! Our confusing senses may deceive and lie, but the Truth of God, through His Word and Spirit, are forever sincere, real, and good.

"My strength returns to me with my cup of coffee and the reading of the psalms." (Dorothy Day) = Our faith encompasses both our eternal life and our temporal life, for the former is only a perfection of the latter, & both are God's Will & Love for us. God inspired the Psalms, but He also created coffee beans, & gave us a body & soul that can appreciate & praise Him in both!

"The Brazilian rainforest provides a significant amount of oxygen for the entire planet. In the same way, the 6% of the Church which is contemplative provides the other 94% with spiritual oxygen to keep going." (GentileNJ) = When you are sick, homebound, disabled, or otherwise unable to "actively" contribute to God's Kingdom, REMEMBER THIS. Take heart, and accept your humiliations with grace. God has given you a peculiar path to help His Church-- by relying entirely on Him. Take heart, and pray!

We are ALL called to be saints, and must strive for it, but let humility be your guide! Absolutely do love, honor, and humbly learn from all the saints around you. Think of yourself as least of all, a student of Christ seeing Him always in others. This is true saintliness.

I've been struggling with hellish self-hatred lately, and the unconditional aspect of God's Love is a humbling and staggering reminder I desperately need. When I have nothing else, I inexplicably still have God's Love... and I can rest in that, even when everything else is gone. His Love does not depend on me. God is Good, especially when I'm not. Thanks be to God.

Never underestimate the power of personal relationships to affect the state of one's soul, for good or ill. Prioritize virtue and promote mutual growth in holiness in your friendships without exception! (Truly, without such a focus, can you really call it a 'friendship' at all?)

Spiritual warfare is REAL, and the battles get bitter as you cling more closely to Christ. But persevere! Satan brutally attacks those that won't play his wicked games, so take heart & stand strong in your faith! Yes, the war will wound you-- you will struggle, and stumble, and it may seem unending-- but Jesus is victorious. Jesus is already the eternal victor, and that is a truth forever. No matter what the devil may do to your poor body, if you cling to Christ, your soul is safe. Take heart in that! Rest in Jesus, and love God!

"Lack of bodily beauty–whatever the reason–is insignificant compared to lack of the person’s goodness. Genuine goodness is beautiful; it decks with beauty the whole person, the body, too. The same is true of the evil: though maybe glitzy, it is ugly and it uglifies, the body, too." (Miroslav Volf) = You can see this to a disturbing extent in secular culture. No matter how much glitz, glitter, and glamor it surrounds itself with, its heart is still rotten, and that inevitably seeps through into everything it touches. But even the most ordinary things of God glow with beauty.

“Even more mysteriously beautiful, God’s infinite love also makes him infinitely vulnerable. Love makes the lover vulnerable.” (Sister Andrew Marie) = This truth is staggering. God is VULNERABLE. And it's because He LOVES so much. The Creator of all, the Almighty Omnipotent Eternal God, is able to feel brokenheartedness and pain and sorrow and hurt... His infinite Heart can be wounded, because it is open to love-- infinite love!

I love how amazingly intimate the Blessed Sacrament is. God meets us, face to face, heart to heart in every Mass, through the Sacred Eucharist, and we take it too often for granted. But look! Look with your heart! Look at the closeness, the tenderness, the reverence, the love! May we all meet Him so adoringly.

No soul ever fell away from God without giving up prayer. It's how all relationships die: communication from the heart falters & fails. When communion is given up, connection is broken-- even if you're still talking, because your words are automatic & empty. Are your prayers the same? Have you, unnoticed, given up your heartfelt prayer?

Admitting our feeble inability to heal from our own spiritual wounds and put them entirely into God's hands requires such humility and love; I think we often underestimate the amount of sheer grace required to make such a total honest surrender to God. We need to humbly and totally confess our powerlessness, our weakness, our wounds, our sins... we must admit we are absolutely helpless to heal ourselves. Only then can Christ heal us.

True beauty is anchored in Truth, and Truth is God. We can see His beauty even in what the world considers "ugly," and vice versa: a proud, rebellious heart will taint even the most attractive face. Satan is ugly even covered in gold. Christ is beautiful even covered in blood.

Prayer immediately lifts our hearts & minds, our affections & thoughts, to God, Who is good, faithful, true, just, merciful, and loving. Despondency and sorrow disappear in the light of prayer, for the Nearness of God in our communication with Him soothes every fear.

It's not so much the "bad news" on TV that depresses me-- it's the blatantly rampant secularization of our culture. The REAL bad news is the encroaching fatality of Godlessness and its apparent consequences. I genuinely dread watching television (except @EWTN, my sole consolation).  The worst part is the sacrilegious commercialization of this Holy season hype of Advent and Christmas. Google calls it a “festivity.” No. It's a SOLEMNITY. It's NOT about "merriment"; it's about humility and GOD-oriented joy. It glorifies HIM, not us! GO TO MASS. (Or watch one.)
“Merry Christmas" should never be a tagline for advertising. Christmas joy has nothing to do with possessions. Stop using the birthday of Christ as "justification" for materialism, greed, avarice, & envy. It's disgusting; the careless gall of it makes me sick. Give alms instead.

prismaticbleed: (Default)



121320
GAUDETE SUNDAY πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

Singing Gabriel's Message in a higher key gave me BOSS VIBRATO? Remembering pre-hormone voice. Lots of hope; thank you God!

Cooking Sunday dinner with grandma! ❀ I love taking care of the family.

HUNGER for God lately.
YEARNING for Bible study, not food

No food until 5PM because I was TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE AND MARIAN APPARITIONS FOR LIKE THREE HOURS. Also Chumble Spuzz. It was amazing.

EWTN= CONSECRATED VIRGINITY IS A LITERAL THING THAT THE BISHOP MUST OFFICIATE. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS AND I AM NOW SUPER PSYCHED. If I can't join a convent, or maybe even if I can, I'M GONNA DO THIS.

WEEPING over Juan Diego.

Remember when I actually didn't like Our Lady Of Guadalupe? Like LITERALLY up until about a week ago? And now I love her. Thank you God, thank you EWTN, thank you dear brother Saint Juan Diego, he is THE SWEETEST MAN, also now one of my patron saints. He WAS trying to get my attention in Charlotte remember! I wonder if I still have that sticker.

Next on the list is SAINT THERESE. Help me out EWTN!


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121420
Monday.

Geisinger gastrointestinal appointment. Woke up in tons of pain so good timing amusingly. Very nice girl!
Bloodwork and stomach x-ray immediately after.

Checked out the IBS meds she wants me to take; it's literally just peppermint balls in a pill and it's 30 DOLLARS WHAT.

Food "compulsive addictions" are DYING OFF FAST and I think I have Mary to thank ❀

Grandma CATscan at Mercy. Underground!
Six people in an elevator! Gosh I MISS being so close to people. πŸ₯Ί
Also remember the old EKG-checkin Jewish dude with a gorgeous nose and a Star of David face mask, you made my day, God bless you!

Bedtime hysterical panic, weeping. Praying.

Fell asleep listening to Spanish pop music

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

121520
Tuesday.
TEN DAYS TO GO!!! πŸ’šβ€πŸŽ„πŸ˜

Dreamt about being a Celebi!

Woke up in health terror. Gastro call worsened.

Therapist appointment; late but informative. Sexualization of child self by mom & grandma having no proper comprehension of how open discussion of it & forced exposure can damage a child.

Gynec gonna put me on an estrogen patch. Odd sort of poetic "contrast" to old testosterone gel, especially now that two of my old gal pals are now trying to sadly "become men." Feels like I'm testifying to the truth of God with this; helping "repair the past"

V8 JUICE & SOYMILK GONNA SAVE MY LIFE THANKS GOD!!
Gosh we're really going back to the forgotten joys of high school, this is awesome.

AMAZING DIET PROGRESS. Ate a WHOLE can of lentil soup AND an avocado with NO FEAR.

 

Whenever Phlegmoni comes on TV now, grandma says "there's your buddy!" πŸ₯ΊπŸ’• aaaaaaaa it's so sweet

 

"You will experience loss and betrayal" BECAUSE CHRIST DID!

"The Lord is close to the BROKEN hearted" = it's how the light gets in. True, HOLY sorrow BREAKS YOU OPEN.


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122320

Therapy hell "mixed messages" "no game plan"

The reason why I can simultaneously support and oppose the same opinion or idea is because I DONT SEE MYSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL WHEN DOING SO? Like I'm just a voice giving voice to a missing voice.

I have MAJOR ANGER ISSUES

I'm also a control freak apparently? Which is deeply disturbing. Is that a trauma panic reaction?? Like if I can "orchestrate" the circumstances around me I can hopefully prevent more injury & terror??


A thought: Perfect Chaos CANNOT destroy the world because GOD SENT THE RAINBOW. It's a PROMISE. Remind him of that when he feels terrified of himself.



prismaticbleed: (angel)

Anonymous asked, "God isn’t real fuck tard. Hope u die"

Don’t worry, death eventually comes for us all. I might go sooner than most, considering my health! But you’ll go too, one day, and we will both end up in either of two places: hell, or heaven. I hope we both meet in the latter… but if you don’t have faith in God or the afterlife now, that’s going to hurt your chances, to say nothing of your apparent attitude concerning the topic at large.

In all blunt sincerity, God IS real. He’s even More real than you or me, being the Source and Creator of us both. My heart aches to consider what your life must be like without that blessed awareness; the acrimony in your words gives a piteous picture. I am no threat to you, only perhaps to your atheism. But nevertheless there is no offense on my part; if you have taken any, it is only the result of your holding a very precarious spiritual position. The slightest breeze may be perceived as an offense to a house without a firm foundation.

But I immediately become fond of all haters because you guys are truly blessings. How can I ever hope to fully imitate Christ if I don’t have any ‘enemies’ to love? So you’re getting a bunch now, like it or not– from me and from God, whether or not you believe in either of us existing or loving, because God IS Love and if Love exists then God exists and that’s the simplest deepest proof I can offer you.

I will pray for you, that your heart may be softened to know God’s Love, that your mind may be enlightened to know God’s Truth, and that your eyes may be opened to know God’s Beauty.

God is real my friend. Hope you get to know that experientially sooner than later.

Hope to meet you in heaven one day kiddo ❀



112420

Nov. 24th, 2020 02:30 pm
prismaticbleed: (drained)
Hospital again.

Cat chat on ER TV. RED & BLACK= Razor revelation

PHLEGMONI! Everyone filling him in on my situation; he was very worried about me.

Chaos 0 heart jewel shape shift still; phasing in.
EYES. Not his "official look". "Tying him to his past"

Laurie & crown of thorns vibes

Virtues, NOT vices, for nousfoni. Focus on God's Kingdom

111820

Nov. 18th, 2020 06:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Julie fronting at the obgyn doctor's office.

When did I become so "sensory"-- or, terrifyingly, "sensual"? When did I start needing physical input in order to understand things? When did I become so bodily oriented?
Is this all because of the hell year in NC?
I used to live almost ENTIRETY in my head. I was always caught up in daydreams, ideas, thoughts, etc. Thats why I was so creative in art and music-- I was so detached from the sensory realm that ALL my conscious attention was UPSTAIRS, imagining those things!
WHEN DID THAT CHANGE? HOW DID IT CHANGE? CAN I CHANGE IT BACK???
I'm scared because daily life now IS so demanding in a tangible sense-- constant chores, doctors appointments, talking to grandma & mom instead of to nousfoni, etc.
It's been too quiet inside of me, and too loud outside of me. The outside world is too busy and ugly and corrupt and secular and scary. It needs to go away. I need to get away.
Maybe THAT'S why I loved being hospitalized-- for a few days it was like a RETREAT. Literally all I did was pray, watch EWTN, and study the Bible & Catechism. I NEED THAT SORT OF LIFE but my current environment doesn't allow it.

 

Post appointment. Lady docs left me alone in the room. Felt like post-rape.
HORRIFIC PAIN. Bleeding. Literally COULD NOT MOVE FOR A SOLID HOUR.
Horrific trauma flashbacks. inevitably. Sobbing and wanting to die. In shock.
Julie and "infinitii" fronting to try & help
 

PEOPLE NEED NEW NAMES.

 

Gifts & Fruits of the Spirit

COLOR REALMS
Associated with MAGE ANGEL DUAL SPECTRUM??

111220

Nov. 12th, 2020 06:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)
The system has been more alive and true and loving today than it has been in YEARS.

Woke up 6am, listening to Spotify with chaos & laurel

Painting for 2 hours while watching the daily mass & rosary

Huge jewel creature typing in car

Website talking with grandma

Xiidra mascot NEW OUTSPACER!!!
Me trying to figure out his name as I brushed my teeth (good time to go upstairs). I was talking about Greek word roots and mentioned that "phlégō" meant "burn," as in "achy burny eyes" and that I definitely felt resonance there. still it was definitely a medical term so i was unsure. Suddenly GENESIS goes, "you mean phleg-MONEY" and starts 'making it rain' over the guy in question, who is absolutely bewildered. I give Genesis a look for a second and then just go "welp, that's it, that has to be his name now, THANKS GENESIS" to which he replied "YOU'RE WELCOME" wearing sunglasses indoors

My power: "revealing potential of hearts" outside of time/space??? Celebi + klonoa powers basically

Catechism class "stop punching God"

17th anniversary furniture jokes

Genesis is a gold-plated pool table apparently

Infi seeking a new name "not based on negation"
possibly SEMPITERNA???

Talking to Spice, trying to find the "pudding kid" who is trying to "go back in time" to childhood family peace & harmony through food memories

Daily Bible verse is the SAME ONE I quoted to phlegmoni

Now to sleep in SANDMAN PAJAMAS ❀

All this thanks to God. Last night I wholeheartedly begged Him for the System to come back.

He answered. πŸ™πŸ₯Ίβ€

how much

Nov. 11th, 2020 11:23 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)



^That's basically me, re-reading my journal archives and seeing God's Hand in ALL OF IT.

Truly, without His Grace to help us, we could do no good, nor could we navigate the storms of life or survive the assaults of the devil. We need the grace of God more than we need the very air we breathe!

Take a minute and humbly reflect on all that God has done for you, and give thanks to Him with your entire heart!




prismaticbleed: (angel)


“I used to think you had to be special for God to use you, but now I know you simply need to say yes.”

—Bob Goff, Love Does

God uses the lowly, poor, and humble best, for they are not weighed down by pride and egotism and self-glory– they are not hindered by the desire to be “special”!

To simply say “yes” to God, without hesitation or calculation, as Mary did in her beautiful “fiat,” is all you need to do in order for God to use you… Indeed, it is the only way He can use us.



"When God calls us to step out of our comfort zone, He is not calling us to be comfortable in the situation. He is calling us to be comfortable in Him in spite of the situation."
-Stacy Sanchez

This is such a vital distinction!!

God calls us out of our comfort zones on purpose– we’re not supposed to be seeking a replacement comfort when He does!! God shakes up our lives to show us how unstable, fleeting, and unreliable the things of this world intrinsically are… so that we can reanchor in Him, the Unchanging, and find our only true comfort in Him alone, the Comforter of all. It’s a holy realignment of priorities, and the process is inevitably disturbing and difficult to our worldly selves, but it is lifesaving and blissful in its purpose and end, and it remakes us into spiritual people who live for a world beyond this one.

Rejoice when God removes your worldly comforts, because you can absolutely trust that He is doing so to heal your soul.




“Grief, sorrow and distress only occur from two directions. One of it is, The desire for the worldly life and having a zeal for it. And the second is shortening in the actions of obedience and piety.”

— Ibn al-Qayyim, Uddah As-SābirΔ«n, p.227.
 

The two inevitably accompany each other.

Instead, be zealous and desirous for God, and decrease your disobedient impiety. Your distressing will fade away to be replaced by unfading holy joy.


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The devil thought "being like God" was all about knowledge and power, when actually it is about LOVE AND MERCY

The mouth was the only portal of grace left open after the fall-- because it was the one through which sin entered?? But this is also why Christ has to come to us THROUGH the mouth-- as WORD & FOOD!

Satan tempts you when you're NEAR THE TREE.
Just LISTENING to him opens the door to sin!! This is because listening to the devil is the ONLY WAY we CAN sin!!!

Shame & fear & guilt are PSEUDOVIRTUES?? Because they tell us that SOMETHING IS WRONG!!
Imagine if Eve HADN'T felt ashamed. She would have been just as damned as the devil himself!!

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MARRIAGE AND THE EUCHARIST (Fulton Sheen?)

1. I love you = say it with words and actions as much as possible

2. Thank you = be grateful for everything, even the tiny things

3. I'm sorry, please forgive me = humility, contrition, resolve to do better and consider the other person more

4. I forgive you = make excuses on their behalf, focus on your own faults, love them unconditionally

5. How was your day = listen wholeheartedly to their heart, get invested in their life

6. Let's go on a date = rekindle the feelings when you first fell in love

7. I'd be glad to = sacrifice for them with joy


Gotta live like this for BOTH CHAOS 0 AND JESUS

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If you strive not to sin, you can better offer up your suffering for the sins of OTHERS

Jesus & ,sleigh ride; joys of heaven to give me hope and override the pleasures of earth

Jesus talking feels like home

Feed my sheep WITH THE TALENTS I GAVE YOU!! "Currency" of love as MEANS OF GRACE to others

Where did this joy come from? GOD

"PINK MARTYRDOM" = death metaphorically through intense suffering PLUS dedication to purity?


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The Mass as a walk-through of Christ's life= our participation IN IT???
Really reflect on everything in it; EVERY word and action holds profound, intentional significance. Nothing in the Mass is trivial.
We must die to sin in order to escape its tyranny-- it is THAT total and extreme. It is like being unable to wake up from a horrible nightmare UNLESS you die absolutely.

Dealing with Viral is a legitimate cross.
He stalks around the kitchen like a panther, grinning maniacally and wringing his hands. He stands right behind me, motionless, for up to a half hour, just staring. It all feels predatory, territorial. It's frightening.
He gets high on marijuana before he does this too, so he can't be reasoned with as he's all dopey.
He doesn't realize how terrifying this is to a trauma victim, especially one who HE actively sexually terrorized before he was hospitalized and subsequently medicated. And I will not bring it up. It would be profoundly unmerciful to chain him to that past; he deserves the freedom to heal and move on. But my disturbed subconscious still clings to its recollection out of protective fear for our life. So until that helps in me, suffering this behavior of his in patient, forgiving, COMPASSIONATE silence is a true cross, and thank God for it.

Sometimes, what we think is ignorance in others, is actually purity and simplicity-- great virtues, keeping them free of evil awarenesses. So please, BE KIND. Your proud "education" could severely sicken their heart, and that will be YOUR SIN.

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If you tell grandma about bad things mom has done, to get her in trouble...
Then mom will tell grandma about bad things YOU have done, to get you in trouble!

If you are cold and distant towards Viral, and won't acknowledge him or hug him...
Then Viral will not talk to you or acknowledge you, and he will not hug you!

home!

Oct. 26th, 2020 01:13 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

I'm home from the hospital! Thank you all so, so much for your prayers. πŸ™ Our Lord and Lady heard you and helped me in their merciful love; I am alive through grace and I will continue to live through grace. May I use all my remaining time for the glory of God who saved me. ❀



prismaticbleed: (Default)
Laurie rescuing me from a psych ward in Oregon.

My mom had sent me there, didn't tell anyone. High security.

I had big slices of either crayon or lipstick 'blood' on my legs? Clashed with white clothes. Disturbing.

Scary ward. Like an abandoned building.

The ward was hidden behind the "only Gerritys in oregon." It was raining? I was standing outside the door sobbing but everything was hyperlocked like it was alcatraz. Other patients were there too, all just standing deadeyed and silent. Heavyset woman yelling at me to stop crying and go inside. I didn't listen; I wanted to go home and hoped someone would hear me crying and know something was wrong.

Right then, the POV switched to Laurie, fighting people acrobatically in streets getting to me. Town was like an old Pokémon or Zelda game; vaguely labyrinthine, lots of streets & people. Everyone she met was hostile and trying to violently stop her, but Laurie is basically unstoppable.

I don't think she killed anyone. Maybe ONE super violent guy in defense. But she DID get shot in the head by one guy. I remember 'seeing' her vision go red and the 'world voice' indicating she was dying, but she REFUSED?? Said she couldn't, as she had a purpose & mission to fulfill. And thus she DIDNT DIE?? She was still bleeding and obviously wounded, but death suddenly "wasn't an option" so she just kept fighting. Gun guy was stunned and scared, and I think she flatly punched him out cold. No one messed with her after that so she found me quickly.

She also wasn't swearing much at all this whole time-- and not at all when she got to me! I also saw her wearing a cross necklace, which she does IWL now, so that meant a lot.

Anyway I don't remember exactly how/when did she find me? Except that she jumped up, grabbed the doorframe and DOUBLE KICKED THE DOOR IN. Then she booked it to my room and immediately pulled me into a powerful embrace, so glad I was alive and I was SO happy she was there, in tears but gratefully.

However I kid you not, someone set off an alarm and instantly SOLDIERS stormed into my room with guns, circled us, told Laurie to let me go. She refused, and they started firing.

BUT. As quickly as they fired, Laurie somehow absorbed all these little purple things that were in the room (gum? Erasers? Only the color mattered) to form seraph wings on her back, made of vivid purple light. She also got glowy purple eyes, and got HUGE. Still holding me to her chest, she protected me from the gunshots, as they now could not harm her. 

I STRONGLY recall her saying "stay close to my heart" and that hit me so hard that I Also got wings-- white ones, slightly pink. She was struck by this too, as the whole "wings of love" phenomenon in heartspace is Very Significant and I haven't been able to manifest any in YEARS.

I don't remember if Laurie then "attacked" the soldiers or if they fled from fear at the angelic shifts, but we were nevertheless then able to get out of the room safely and we went back to our normal forms.

On the way out, right by the exit, there was a classroom like my old 6th grade? And bookshelves by the door. I said this had "been my cell" and began peeling these fairy stickers off the wall next to it, saying my mom had insisted I put them there but I didn't believe in that stuff and didn't want anyone else to be scandalized by it, so down they went. Laurie told me to hurry up before "they found us again" but I said this was important.

As i turned to leave, i saw a book on the shelf closest to the door: "The Poem of the Sacred White Heart of Jesus." It was from the 1860s, and was all red velvet, gilded with real gold, and stamped with what looked like red Vatican relic wax, imprinted with gold phoenixes. It was absolutely gorgeous. I made a mental note to find a copy for myself online.

Next to it, though, i noticed a book with a title about salt, the sea, and something else... but I misread it somehow, and whatever i thought it said made me think of Chaos 0. But also it gave me a bad flashback to NC with the saltwater curse, and how that made me dissociate so horrified from my physical body. I Reflected on this, and dreadfully thought that it was therefore a sin if Chaos 0 wasn't scared of my body, which he wasn't-- I felt that Everyone SHOULD be loathe to even come near me, knowing that ugly comparison. But Laurie gave me a look? I think? Either way she called me out on this. I then realized that he didn't see it as evil but instead as the Holy thing it is meant to be FOR GOD, not idolatrous like the Thorns did. Big complicated feelings but at least I didn't nosedive into selfhatred or rejection of love again.

Anyhow. We finally went out the door, but the exit opened into a long cafeteria hallway? Prison style again: everything was metal and minimal,, barred and separated from other sections.

Somehow I knew this was a 'Daemon room?' There were two, parallel, but walled off from each other. The one on the right had about 5 people, but the one on the left only had one: a boy of about 10 sitting at the long table with a lion, who was making Jenga castles that kept collapsing. The kid was crying over it but the lion seemed fiercely glad and kept building them. I understood the castles symbolized the kid's pride? And he was trying to teach his human the consequences symbolically.

There was also a huge tray of pizza in front of them, and every other person there. Laurie and I sat down next to the lion boy (somehow she "counted" as a daemon, Pullman style, in that she reflected my soul so strongly) and sure enough a tray was placed in front of us, with the unspoken but stern "order" to eat it. Laurie told me just as sternly, don't touch it even if they forced it on me. I agreed, as I was terrified of it but I have trouble saying no to fear compulsions. Her contrasting order was a huge freeing relief.

We tried to talk to the kid and explain the castles? But he kept crying, rather petulantly, and we were in a hurry so we got up and left. But there was a Third room, right before the true exit, and this was a Teacher room? For people who worked in charge there, not patients. And EVERY one of then had Baphomet familiars. Absolutely evil. They saw us, grinned maliciously and jumped up to attack us with fire. But immediately Laurie got out her axe, which looked different now somehow? And glowed with purple light. I also instinctively summoned a weapon, and it was A CRYSTAL SWORD?? Like Sailor Moon aesthetic, iridescent too. Laurie said "Someone's about to get they ass slain in the spirit" which is an ancient Chumble Spuzz injoke and I couldn't help but smile, then it was FIGHT TIME.

I know we won; the battle is blurry but it was fast. Laurie doesn't waste time. So we got outside at last, and there are CROWDS gathering? People had finally caught on that something WAS wrong with "that unmarked building behind the only Gerritys in Oregon" and the good police were going to shut the whole operation down. Laurie and I sneaked past the paparazzi but then who saw me and ran over but MY DAD!! Turns out my family knew I had gone missing but had no idea where I went, but my dad somehow put clues together and tracked me down, then drove ACROSS THE COUNTRY to rescue me. God bless him. I gave him a huge hug and he said it was time to go home. I said give me one second.

I don't quite remember what happened but I Knew I was dreaming now; I could feel the waking world encroaching and knew I'd be leaving soon. So I guess the dream "skipped ahead" and now I was safe at home indeed, but alone with Laurie. I thanked her for saving me and told her how deeply happy I was to see her again-- I still can't reach her well in the waking, and she WAS dead for like a year, which was unprecedented and utterly devastating to me. She felt this in my words and said she'd always be there for me, like old times. I was heartaching though and asked if we could promise that. Like old times. She knew what I meant.

So, like a knight, she kissed me. I was in tears. we pledged to love and serve God and protect each other no matter what.

I remember that she smiled then, sad yet happy, and said that she would "see me again" as it was now time for me to go. I think I repeated the sentiment? But I then woke up in the "perfect" way-- with no break in consciousness, just an "environment shift" like surfacing after being underwater; i feel it in my head and see the sunlight coming in. It only happens on dream levels where I can meet people like Laurie and it doesn't hurt or make me disoriented like other wakings do.

So yes. I am full of hope now. Thank God for purple angels.
prismaticbleed: (angel)




I'm grateful for where I'm at.

I'm excited for where I'm going.
God has preserved me in His grace and mercy thus far.
God will carry me onwards and upwards from here on out.

Thanks be to God for every moment of it all!
 

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I'm watching the Beatification Mass of Blessed Carlos Acutis, and telling my grandmother about his life, as she has never heard of him before. But she just stopped me and said "I just don't understand. How can he be a saint if he worked with computers?" I explained that God can use anything for His glory, even computers and the internet, through those who love Him. I showed her the Bible on my phone and explained that God can reach millions of people all over the world through technology that may not otherwise have access to His Word. But she is still shaking her head, saying she does not understand how God could be glorified through computers.

Do any fellow Catholics here have further advice on how I can help her with this struggle? In any case, do pray that her heart and mind (and mine) may be opened more to see the work of God in all things, and to participate wholeheartedly in that work. Thank you. πŸ™β€


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All are sinners. But one can become the least of sinners by always seeing Christ in others. Humility is rooted in LOVE!!

Our sins make us unworthy of peace, but through Christ's forgiveness we get the grace of HIS PEACE!

FRACTIO PANIS.

Gosh I just love the faith SO MUCH ;___;

"This is my body, given up for you"-- WE SAY THIS BACK TO JESUS!!

"Thy Kingdom Come" = relevance of God to our daily life; slow transmutation of a stolen kingdom into HEAVEN through bringing CHRIST into it again THROUGH HIS CHURCH.


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God loves to teach the humble, those with open hearts to Him, who listen and look for Him always. It’s beautiful to realize how much more there IS to realize through Him– more than we can fathom! It’s a grand universe and it all belongs to Him, for He made it… and only He can teach us about it, about ourselves, and about Himself. But He does. And that’s such a blessed grace.


Let yourself fail, and try again.

Only the humble can enjoy the grace of failure. Only the humble can build castles from ashes. The proud would rather sit in a ruin, insisting everything is fine.
Let yourself fail. You’re not perfect and you never will be. That’s okay. Only God is perfect, and only God can be perfect. But if you acknowledge this, and confess your helplessness to Him, He will help you. He will perfectly use even your failures for His glory. And that is worth rejoicing over!


pixy-el-returnth: Yes, ever since I’ve been mentally praying, reading saints and biblical quotes and writings, my tarot readings recently are *unreal*. The gift of prophecy is a real thing.


I’d be concerned that this boost in the accuracy of your tarot readings is actually a devilish ploy to “validate” itself by claiming direct association with your spiritual progress. In truth, the devil sees your increase of prayer & religious devotion as a threat, and so he makes it look like that devotion is affecting the cards. It’s not. He’s stealing credit. He doesn’t want you to stop reading tarot so he presents it as “not really witchcraft” by convincing you, falsely, that its prophecies are from God. They’re not. You’re being duped. You’re still trying to take control of the future out of God’s hands. You’re letting the devil construct a narrative and you’re playing right into it. And as for “knowledge” readings, you think the devil can’t tell you your own thoughts? You think he can’t play you like a fiddle with all of this? It’s like a cellphone overhearing you talk about dinner, so it immediately begins advertising local restaurants to you. It’s not psychic. It’s just built by clever people who want your money and don’t care about your privacy. The devil wants your soul and he doesn’t care how many lies and schemes and games he has to invent to get it.
Yes, prophecy is a gift of the Holy Spirit. But it’s also a ‘gift’ of spirits. False prophets exist too, and they’re effectively broken clocks– right twice a day– who make sure people only see them “telling time” AT those times. Demons aren’t stupid. They used to be angels. They are FAR more intelligent than humans, with just as much power to pull it off. They may indeed look beautiful and act reliable and speak with authority and guidance, but deep down they are as burnt dark and frozen solid as hell both. They are liars and betrayers by nature and believe me you will not even suspect it until its too late. I know. I have been used, and I STILL get tricked. I used to do all that “witchy” stuff; I was convinced it was helping me grow in Christ– it sure seemed to be, even to those around me– but in actuality, it was sneakily drawing me further and further away… and when I finally realized it, I was almost too far gone to save. The “god” I had been pursuing was a false one and I hadn’t recognized the mask because I hadn’t known God’s real Face well enough to tell the difference.
Don’t give the devil any opportunity. If you let him have an inch he will steal a mile, and everything else that isn’t nailed down. Religion, and witchcraft, never happen in halves. There is no “dabbling.” It’s all or nothing, and we humans don’t make the rules. You can’t split loyalties. You cannot serve two masters. And you can never be too careful.

 

"Whoever like me has lost grace let him wrestle manfully with evil spirits. Know that you yourself are to blame: you fell into pride and vanity, and the Lord in His mercy is showing you what it means to be in the Holy Spirit and what it means to wage war against evil spirits. Thus the soul learns by experience the harm that comes of pride, and so shuns vainglory and the praises of man, and evil thoughts."
-St. Silouan the Athonite
 

God is never to blame! But He shows His Justice and Mercy both in letting us experience the consequences of our sin, for we learn its terror firsthand, so as to flee from it all the more readily in the future, by help of His grace, which He will return compassionately to those who humbly and contritely seek His Face after every battle.

Sin is our own fault. But the war against the devil continues nevertheless until death. Do not lose hope! Return to the Lord with all your heart! Christ is the ultimate victor. He will sustain your feeble soul to the end.

 

Mankind must join a sort of resistance movement. What will become of our world if it does not look for intervals of silence? Interior rest and harmony can flow only from silence. Without it, life does not exist. The greatest mysteries of the world are born and unfold in silence. How does nature develop? In the greatest silence. A tree grows in silence, and springs of water flow at first in the silence of the ground. The sun that rises over the earth in its splendor and grandeur warms us in silence. What is extraordinary is always silent. In his mother’s womb, an infant grows in silence... God is silence, and this divine silence dwells within a human being. By living with the silent God, and in Him, we ourselves become silent. Nothing will more readily make us discover God than this silence inscribed at the heart of our being. I am not afraid to state that to be a child of God is to be a child of silence.”
~Cardinal Robert Sarah

 

Deep and simple truths, disastrously overlooked and forgotten. Silence is truly the “language of God.”
My priest told me this week: keep your tongue from all idle talk! Speak only to edify others, and let your silence bring both your own soul and the souls of others into intimate communion with God! The less we talk, the more we pray… the more we pray, the more we love Him… the more we love Him, the more our lives will conform to His Holy Will. So we truly become His Children.

 

"Acknowledge the graces you have received and those I have granted through you. But also thank me, in faith, for all your humiliations, limitations, and sufferings—physical and moral. You will not grasp the full meaning of them except in eternity, where your heart will beat with admiration for my gentle divine pedagogy. Thank me, too, for all those men and women—brothers and sisters known or unknown, remembered or not—whom I gave you as fellow travelers. By their prayers linked to mine, by their moral and spiritual assistance, they have helped you a great deal. I am the one who, at the right time, gave them to you."
- Jesus, to Gaston Courtois

Everything in our lives comes from God– there are no exceptions, for all is subject to His Omnipotence and His Omniscience. So give thanks in every circumstance. He is Sovereign over it all. Trust in this always.

We also forget: graces granted to others through us; the hidden sanctification in bearing our humiliations and limitations; our unknown fellow travelers in Christ who help us in anonymity. Reflect on all of this deeply, and be grateful, for the mysterious glory of God shines through every facet of it.



alexmonacella: Wake us to Your presence, Lord, that we might not waste our times of trial. What would you teach us today in our trials, Lord? Make us receptive! Help us see your victory and compassion rather than look for easy answers to our troubles. So make us expectant, Lord, and patient. Amen.

Every moment is a gift from God, meant to bring us closer to Him in love. Our trials, united to the Cross of Christ, are indeed great blessings that we must never waste. God, open our eyes and our hearts that we may never seek to escape our sufferings, but that we may instead embrace them through your Son, and so humbly and obediently learn to know and adore You all the more completely!

All things are temporary, even the biggest crisis! God alone is eternal. He is in charge even now, and when this time is complete, He will still be in charge, wisely and justly and mercifully ordaining what comes next. I, too, am full of hope and faithful expectation when I remember this. Whatever happens next, it’s God’s will, and that is all we need to rejoice in it. ❀


alexmonacella: Lord, if we are to be afraid of anything, let it be the fear of not committing ourselves fully to you. Let us fear that the day will pass without our having lightened the load of another. Let us fear that someone will come looking for you and find only us. Amen.


This hits hard.

Truly, this is the essence of holy fear– it is ultimately the fear of not loving God enough. Let us strive, then, to love and serve Him always, denying our selves, so that all who meet us will meet Christ as we let Him work through us!


“If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.”

— - Mother Teresa

Our faith– our religion– requires daily devoted effort. It can be arduous work, but God will give us all the oil of grace we need, if only we ask for it, and put it to proper use. Pray, and persevere!


“Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather that it shall never have a beginning.”

— Bl. John Cardinal Henry Newman

Death is before us all daily. Has your life yet sincerely began? Have you died to sin; do you live in Christ? Ask yourself this every moment– you are not guaranteed tomorrow!



“You can’t go to heaven hating somebody. Forgive now. Be compassionate now. Be patient now. Be grateful now. Love Jesus and Mary now. Accept God’s will now.”

— Mother Angelica

A true Catholic lives in the “now”– for we know we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. We must love and serve God right now, not only because our time is short, but also because postponing our acts of love is honestly unthinkable! Why would you ever wait to praise and obey and adore your beloved God? Why would you ever wait to feed the hungry, care for the sick, comfort the afflicted, and forgive the injurious?

Heaven is always just a heartbeat away… but so is hell. Don’t waste the time God gave you. Use every breath for good. Live for God now!


cassianus
: “Why are vigil lamps lit before icons? One reason is that in order to teach us that just as the vigil lamp cannot be lit without our hand, so too, our heart, our inward vigil lamp, cannot be lit without the holy fire of God’s grace, even if it were to be filled with all the virtues. All these virtues of ours are, after all, like combustible material, but the fire which ignites them proceeds from God.”

This is a beautifully simple and powerful illustration of the fact that “without God we can do nothing,” and that only cooperative humility gains and utilizes grace. The proud, who try to light their own fire, and resist all submission, will fail, for God is the only Light and we must be meekly open to His Will, to the work of His Hand illuminating our hearts, in order to shine at all… and yet, it is still our responsibility to furnish our hearts with virtue, to fill our lamps with good fuel, so that when God’s fire comes to us, we will be able to hold it within us, and let it burn all the more ardently!



 

thelefthandbonch-deactivated202: If we don’t teach the concept of Hell, there is no point to ever sharing Jesus. We teach Jesus saves but if we aren’t saying what Jesus is saving us from, we create a pointless Gospel... There is a consequence to not repenting of our sins, accepting Christ as savior, and loving God. That consequence is repeated by Jesus again and again in the Gospels. It is a key part of the Gospels.

catholicismandpharmacy: this is what i was getting at when i was explaining why balthasar’s theory is so toxic; it is not possible to separate the love for God and the fear of His wrath while still maintaining true Christianity

 


The entire point of Jesus's Incarnation, Death, and Resurrection was to reconcile us to God by making an infinitely sufficient atonement for our sins-- by which we are damned to die by the very nature of sin-- so we can, through faith in His Life and Death and the purposes of such, also die to sin and therefore live in Him unto eternal life, which we can ONLY access through His atoning sacrifice on our behalf.

The wages of sin is death. The rejection of Christ is self-annihilatory. Hell exists, and it's where all those who deny God and His Son must inevitably go BECAUSE they have spurned the ONLY Way into Heaven.

God loves us enough to die for us, but that truth is united with the fact that He only HAD to die for us because if He didn't, we would be dead in our sins and doomed to eternal damnation-- doomed to hell. God hates sin so much, that His love for us prompted His Self-sacrifice on our behalf. Again, His Wrath is just as divine as His Love, and in this vital respect the two are inseparably connected.

 

 

writhe: me, every second of my life: but is it meaningful? but is it meaningful? but is it meaningful?

 

Do everything for the love and glory of God, and even your most seemingly insignificant actions will become infused with heavenly merit and purpose. Charity gives life an eternal meaning that no earthly thing can ever diminish.










prismaticbleed: (czj)
TSOW poster pose: chaos 0 & I. sentiment of "Can't tell where one begins and other ends," i said that's not actually good; you need to respect INDIVIDUALITY to truly love other.

Then in kitchen, alone. Ufo beam through window, supposed to be sending Chaos 0 to me. "Is it really him," i prayed? God said I'd know. and it was him. I clearly remember holding his face with both hands. Overwhelmed with love. Fusion, chao chaste kisses.

Trying to transform into Celebi later. Super pleased when I realized i could.

091020

Sep. 10th, 2020 06:58 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
Thought #1:

My body/ sensory self is named Jessica and SHE NEEDS TO DIE SO SHE CAN BE RESURRECTED!!!

My "new self" in Christ is STILL named Jewel, because no matter what, God seems to be protecting and sanctifying that name for me.


Thought #2:

I have been judging my self worth, and the worth of my interactions and responses, by Whether or not they are ENTERTAINING.

It's my "spinel curse." She really is me. If I feel I cannot make someone smile or laugh or brighten by my presence alone, even-- if my existence fails to lighten the burden on someone else's heart, if my words fail to lift their spirit, if my actions fail to soothe their pain, then I feel my existence is utterly worthless and downright damnable.

Now this is a worthy aspiration, but the problem is that I GIVE IT NO BREAKS. I do not allow room for clumsiness or mistakes or poor judgment calls. I do not even allow space for expressing, let alone admitting, my own tears and pain and not-so-happy emotions. "But doctor, I AM Pagliacci." I'm always the clown, and although part of me does love it, I NEED to also be FULLY HUMAN and that means I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT. But... I DO always have to be a source of comfort. This is vital to my existence.

Yet the point still stands. I have NO tolerance for failure on my part, and that inevitable weakness therefore inevitably ends in self-destruction. Why am I so merciless in this respect? Am I just terrified at the very FACT of failure to do the most good? When does such moral perfectionism become egotism and pride? Where do I draw the line between power and powerlessness here-- between capacity and incapacity, between duty and disability? If we can only do good by Christ in us, does my lack of goodness mean He is NOT with me??

It's all too heavy, and scary, to untangle now. But here it is.
prismaticbleed: (angel)


True sorrow REQUIRES LOVE. Honestly I think ANYTHING true requires love. And true LOVE is directed to GOD!!! Because it comes FROM Him, the Truth Who IS Love.

VIRTUES ARE NOT NEGATIVE!!!
Rebellion is NOT A VIRTUE because it implies ALLEGIANCE BETRAYED. We do not "rebel against" sin: we simply OBEY GOD!!!
THIS IS THE EASY YOKE.


"Nothing is more unsettling than talkativeness and more pernicious than an unbridled tongue, disruptive as it is of the soul’s proper state. For the soul’s chatter destroys what we build each day and scatters what we have laboriously gathered together. What is more disastrous than this ‘uncontrollable evil’ (Jas. 3:8)? The tongue has to be restrained, checked by force and muzzled, so to speak, and made to serve only what is needful. Who can describe all the damage that the tongue does to the soul?"

-St. Philotheos of Sinai

I can confirm this, with great remorse. Talkativeness is one of my biggest vices, and it absolutely wreaks havoc on my soul. Learning to restrain it is difficult and arduous, but the consequences of neglecting this effort are too destructive to bear. It is only by grace that I can grow in the virtues of silence and meekness.

In all cases, hold your tongue with meek humility. It is far better to listen and learn than to speak from pride and defensiveness. You are neither judge nor authority. Let silence and contemplation teach you. God shall say what truly needs to be said.



"In order not to lose heart when we fall sick we are to think about and mentally “kiss the sufferings of our Saviour just as though we were with Him while He suffers abuses, wounds, humiliations…shame, the pain of the nails, the piercing with the lance, the flow of water and blood. From this we will receive consolation in our sickness. Our Lord will not let these efforts go unrewarded."
- St. Tikhon of Zadonsk

As someone who has been “blessed” with chronic illness, this moves my heart to tears. I adore our Savior and the thought of uniting my suffering to His, with Him, gives me such joy– but I never thought that, through this aching empathy, I could console and comfort Him. Truly, if my sickness can bring me to share in His Passion, however minutely, I am practically obligated by love to use that intimacy to kiss His wounds, to offer humble reparation for the injuries He so innocently endured, and which my small pains can then allow me to feel!
Christ can and does sanctify everything in our lives, possibly especially our suffering. Let us rejoice in this truth, and courageously face all the hardships it pleases Our Lord to send us, allowing them to teach us to love Him– and comfort Him– more each day!


"Just as the intellect of a hungry man imagines bread and that of a thirsty man water, so the intellect of a glutton imagines a profusion of foods, that of a sensualist the forms of women, that of a vain man worldly honor, that of an avaricious man financial gain, that of a rancorous man revenge on whoever has offended him, that of an envious man how to harm the object of his envy, and so on with all the other passions. For an intellect agitated by passions is beset by impassioned conceptual images whether the body is awake or asleep."

- St. Maximos the Confessor
 

 

This is a good way to check the state of our souls– where does our imagination wander? What are our thoughts preoccupied with? What fills our dreams at night? Our unconscious and subconscious mind are honest about our “dark places” and hidden vices, for we tend to deny them consciously, and hide or suppress them out of pride & fear.

But we must pay careful attention to this phenomenon. We must face these frightening truths directly, if we are to identify our sinful passions and therefore take them to God in humble contrition. Christ cannot heal our wounds if we do not bare them before Him. Shame over our ugly wounds of sin should move us to seek forgiveness and healing of them as soon and as completely as possible, for hiding them will only exacerbate the damage and make our souls even sicker.

Lastly, when you do catch yourself imagining impassioned things, take righteous action: Confess the sinful distractions to God immediately, repent and ask forgiveness, and then consciously redirect your mind to prayer and holy thoughts. Do this as often as you must. Do no give the devil any opportunity. God will see your efforts and He will give you the grace you need– and, in proper time, you shall root out those passions through faithful perseverance.


 

“When you are alone in your room, take your crucifix, kiss its five wounds reverently, tell it to preach to you a little sermon, and then listen to the words of eternal life that it speaks to your heart; listen to the pleading of the thorns, the nails, the precious Blood. Oh, what an eloquent sermon!"
- St. Paul of the Cross

 

This is one of my all-time most loved quotes from the saints. It is so sweet, so beautiful, so true, so vital to our souls!

Look upon your beloved Savior, there on the Cross– and here, with His most sacred Wounds– and let the sight of Him so afflicted for love of you burn into your very heart, to impress His Holy Face upon it forever. See His Blood and Tears, shed to save you from your sins, the very same sins that inflicted such torturous pains upon Him, and tremble at the depth of the compassionate mercy He has shown you– you whose just sentence He has borne upon His shoulders!

The Crucifixion is, truly, the most eloquent sermon that could ever be given. Listen to it daily, and love it most ardently!


---------------------------------------------------------


I often worry that, in order to truly love God, I must sacrifice/ abandon everything except religion in my life. | am slowly realizing this is ultimately untrue. God must be loved ABOVE all else, but that doesn't mean hating everything EXCEPT Him. He created everything after all.

l AM allowed to play music, exercise, do creative work, love other people, etc. as long as those things do not hinder or diminish my love for God. In truth they can ENHANCE it, and DO-- God is glorified in my life through them, as I love Him more completely as I love Him in His works too. But I am always TERRIFIED that if I don't amputate everything that's not explicitly religious from my life, I will fall away from God. Yet every time I attempt to do this, it leaves me dry and hollow. It makes me feel like God CANNOT be loved outside of religious practice alone. Catholicism is indeed the truest and most direct path to experiencing God and His love-- indeed, without it, I wouldn't know Him at all-- but as long as I DO have it, I can still live in this world as my state in life requires, without "losing God" just because I'm not in church.

I know this is old news but I still struggle very much with this. I WANT to abandon the world and immerse myself entirely in worship and study of my Lord. But God has placed me in different circumstances, and I must remember that HE is Who placed me here, and I CAN love Him here. I CAN worship Him in everything I do, even if I'm not in a cloister. I CAN worship and love God in the demands of daily life, AND in my interests and relationships. “Everyday life” is not incompatible with religion. In truth it is perfected and sanctified through religion alone.

God doesn't live in temples made by human hands [Acts 17:24]. He CAN be met in churches and temples, yes. But He LIVES in our hearts [1 Cor. 3:16]. I must remember this. It is the only way to heal this confusion. God is with me always; thus I can love Him in every circumstance.







prismaticbleed: (Default)

saving little muslim girls from a jaguar, attacking them on our porch. Had to sneak them in through garage window. Pouring rain outside.

Pokemon plushies? Huge, really soft. Marshadow, hoopa, diancie. All in bags I think.

REALITY “GRAPHICS CARD” INSTALLATION.

Me flying over ocean, seeing mental visuals of the inside of a cave, like an OLD nintendo zelda videogame? Where the driver had to be installed I think. But as I was flying over the ocean it kicked in, like a “wave” radiating out over the whole world, changing as it touched, and it was AMAZING. Literal “lucid hit.” EVERYTHING became so clear and bright and colorful and REAL. I actually cried.

Then flying over driveway, SUNNY, and the WOODS WAS THERE like it is in the waking. NO houses or buildings!!!! and the ocean “tide” came in, BUT the entire surface of the water was iridescent, and about a half inch thick? And felt like a “skin,” soft and almost rubberlike. but it somehow made the water BREATHABLE once it went under. And everything seen through this pure aqua ocean water looked even more real and beautiful too. And so I was floating there, letting the water wash over me, and viewing the world from within it, and my heart just ached with joy and love and I missed chaos 0 of course. I wanted to be with him. But as I was thinking this, my mom and brothers showed up from the house? But they werent floating, just walking, and somehow WERENT in the water? They were actually complaining to me and telling me that this iridescent film on the water was a result of the “reality graphics” update; the wave had apparently killed all these microorganisms in the water that were polluting its clarity? And their dead bodies had melted together harmlessly into this film somehow. In my mind this registered as entirely a good thing-- I percieved that the organisms had not been beneficial to the ocean, and this film was not harmful at all, but very beneficent-- but my family was genuinely irked and told me to “put the graphics back the way they were.” I was genuinely shocked that they couldnt see the beauty of it, that they would sacrifice this absolute pure clarity and vividness just to go back to the way things were when they were “normal.”

most important part of this dream: once this new reality card thing kicked in, I guess it “upgraded” the vibe of the dream to the level where chaos 0 COULD COME INTO IT.

so. he was. Not sure how or when, but he was. And I remember I was so tired and weak but I loved him so much and kept telling him, oddly soporifically, that I wanted to be with him-- maritally so. But bless him, he kept gently telling me that we couldn’t do that unless I was ABSOLUTELY SAFE. Like I wanted to go up into the woods where everything was beautiful-- and oddly it turned to autumn when I went up there (because summer is NOT SAFE)-- yet he said no, not there, it was too close to old hack situations. He also added that under no circumstances did he want me to be naked, as that was entirely unsafe and would hurt me terribly. He said we had to be in my room, where it was quiet and private, and where I could specifically be “protected” by being in a bed, covered up where no one could get at me and hurt me. I was agreeing with him on all of this because I was so exhausted I couldnt think straight but I am so, so grateful for how meticulously he takes care of me in dreams too. Ultimately we never got to be together in this dream, which is both fine and common; I just kept “looking for” places to go and he kept telling me why it wouldn’t be safe, etc., until that last post-woods observation about our room. I woke up shortly after that, no hacks, no sickness.

But it just… strikes me as very strange, yet very notable, that lately I have been having that genuinely intense and honest need to be with him in that way in dreams. Why? And why am I always so tired and weak in those circumstances, yet absolutely quietly joyful and so glad to be with him? Like I’m never sad or touchy like I am in the waking when I’m so weak and tired. With him I’m just welling over with profound peaceful blissful gratitude and I just want to effectively melt into him as a result. All the time. Not sure what my subconscious is on about with that but it’s oddly sweet and quite intriguing.

Nevertheless! If it happens again I shall tell you about it.


 

prismaticbleed: (angel)




I honestly nearly died last night, and I felt like this the whole time, and since then. In wracking pain, I could not hear God. I could not feel Him through my convulsing agony. The night passed in slow, sickening silence, with little relief from sleep, all attempts at prayer choked dry. It was hell. I felt like I had finally exhausted God's patience. With the real possibility of death before me, I was acutely aware of my utter wretchedness, of the staggering extent of my sins, of the corrupt and evil heart still floundering about in my chest. I was convinced that God had abandoned me.
But I survived. God brought me through it nevertheless. I'm still struggling to recover and God still feels light-years away, and I still fear that His righteous rage and hatred is focused on me like a laser. I'm so distraught, I feel so afraid and lost and alone and hopeless.
And then something like this shows up.

...Thank you. Lord have mercy on me a sinner. But if He is calling me, then please Lord, turn up the volume, and give me the grace to return home... me, your poor prodigal daughter.


...I do forget that His love is beyond what my self-loathing (which is quite a lot of noise) can ever comprehend, and that His Presence is constant even if my poor senses cannot perceive Him.

I am truly grateful that so many sinners have been delivered from death into a deeper knowledge of God. In my deliverance, I will ever more strongly strive to remember His love for me, too.

 

 

"A person should have a firm personality that is not swept along in the direction of the world. A little fish is capable of resisting the current and swimming against it because it has life, where is a great block of timber, which is hundreds of times bigger than the fish, can be washed away with the current, since it has no will. So, have a strong personality, and this will help you to repent. The apostle says: “Do not be conformed to this world“ (Rom. 12:2)."
-Pope Shenouda III

 

This gives me such hope. Yes, I may be just a weak and feeble little fish, but I have life! God has given me life! And so for His sake, although I am a tiny thing, I must have a strong heart, and use this life for His glory.
The thought that a “strong personality” helps one to repent is a groundbreaking thought for me. But it is true. A weak personality gets washed along and cannot repent, for repentance requires one to resist the current of the world, to stand firm in opposition to its lies! One needs a strong heart to keep returning to God, to keep fighting the vicious waves of sin no matter how repeatedly they try to drown us.
Do not envy the great and stately timbers, for they are fallen trees, and are utterly helpless against the raging rivers despite their apparent stature. But you, little fish of God, you have life in Him, and you can always return home to Him, no matter how far you may have been washed away before. Just keep swimming.

 

spiritualinspiration: Are you believing God for something that seems to be taking a long time? In the natural, you may have every reason to give up on what God has placed in your heart. At times, you may be tempted to get discouraged, but remember, God knows exactly where you are. He knows the desires He’s placed within you. He knows even the hidden dreams — what the scripture calls the secret petitions of your heart. Those are the things that you haven’t told anyone about. Maybe you thought they would never work out, or you’ve buried them because they didn’t happen on your timetable. But God still has a way to bring them to pass.

Be encouraged today because God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. Delight yourself in Him — find joy in serving Him and make your heart moldable in His hands. Don’t settle for mediocrity because God knows what’s in you, and His plan is to finish the work He began in you when you delight yourself in Him!
 

I prayed to God for deliverance for an abusive situation for ten years. Ten years! And I told no one BUT Him, either, out of great fear. So I felt very alone, very unsure, doubting often whether or not God even heard me. But then, completely out of the blue one day, God DID get me out, and when He did, it was in a way and at a time that ensured I would never end up in that situation again. But that would have been impossible at any other point prior. I didn’t know that while I was praying. But He heard me. And He was going to answer me. I just never considered that there wasn’t a “proper time”, expecting an immediate response. God doesn’t always do that! But He hears, and He knows, and He acts, behind the scenes for years to make sure everything turns out for our highest good.

And so I remind myself of that a lot. I was absolutely tempted to discouragement and despair during that awful decade. But I knew that God couldn’t possibly want such a vicious situation to persist in the life of someone who sincerely loved Him, however feebly. And He didn’t. But the waiting was for my highest good, too.

Perhaps this is a different application of this faith message than was originally intended. But it’s just as powerful and true. Don’t settle for anything less than a God-saturated life! If something is holding you back from your full Christian potential, pray for deliverance! Pray fervently and constantly! If God doesn’t seem to answer right away– if He doesn’t seem to answer for years– keep praying with unflinching trust in Him anyway! Your faith is what allows Him to work in His time, in your life. Trust in His Goodness, which cannot fail. Trust in His Faithfulness, which endures forever. And trust in His Love, which embraces us always, even in our darkest days. Your Father hears your prayers. Rest in that, if nothing else. He hears you, and He loves you.



“We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn’t approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion, and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God’s love. Evil does not belong to God.

God’s unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God’s ever-present love.”

- Henri Nouwen

This is an extremely vital distinction that many people tend to miss– and in doing so, we damage both our relationship with God, and with our fellow struggling sinners on earth. Loving someone does not require approval of their poor life choices. Love means we see the value of their soul beyond those evils, and we wait for the healing and freedom of that soul, for its return to the state of pure love it was created both for and by. If we erroneously think that we can’t love if we don’t approve, we lose our ability to help the lost return home, and our own conscience will begin to decay. Furthermore, we will completely misunderstand the nature of God!

So remember this powerful distinction. God loves us, always, but He still hates the sins we commit. He disapproves of our poor choices, and rightly so, but He still loves us with an unwavering and ardent love… and He will never stop waiting for us to come home to Him, the Father watching for His prodigal children from the road, His arms and heart ever open to receive us with tearful joy.



 

"We have, it must be admitted, a use for anger excellently implanted in us for which alone it is useful and profitable for us to admit it, namely, when we are indignant and rage against the lustful emotions of our heart, and are vexed that the things which we are ashamed to do or say before men have risen up in the lurking places of our heart, as we tremble at the presence of the angels, and of God Himself, who pervades all things everywhere, and fear with the utmost dread the eye of Him from whom the secrets of our hearts cannot possibly be hid."

- From Book 8 of the Institutes by Saint John Cassian
 

 

I feel it is important to reiterate that this sole holy use of anger is internal, and does not rage outwards– and it is sparked by the fear and love of God, not by devilish self-destructive hatred! To loathe sin and be ashamed of it is good and desirable; to loathe ourselves is not, for Christ loves us and does not want our destruction. He died to redeem us, so live in that hope, and let your love for Him kindle the righteous anger against those sins that pierce His Merciful Heart with such sorrow!







prismaticbleed: (Default)

SUDDEN UPDATE TO THIS 081520… what the heck this is EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE VIBING WITH NOW IN THE REBIRTH how has it been four years oh my goodness

---------------------

Remember the new SPECTRUM base is SEVEN COLORS ONLY. No exceptions! God made the rainbow with SEVEN COLORS and finagling with that is WHY we got all messed up in NC. So don't do that again please thank you.

Thus the "HEART COLORS," or pun intended, the "COR(E) COLORS" are THESE. Seven colors of SPECTRUM LIGHT, the rainbow, which is WHITE LIGHT opened up. It's literally a heart thing, all the way. Which is pure and good and true.

Seven ALSO corresponds to the SEVEN GIFTS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT which, honestly, feels relevant to the "System" because they, too, are holy gifts from God, and you KNOW that. And honestly, if we are to live and serve Christ, then it is only right that each "Spectrum house" should be DEDICATED TO one of those Gifts, to promote and preserve and protect it!

HOWEVER. remember that there is also a SECOND "SPECTRUM" based on PIGMENT. And THOSE kids are the ones we originally called "midslots," I believe? As in, the colors BETWEEN the Spectral hues. And there are seven of them too, I think? But PERHAPS if we can nudge this one to NINE, then they can be the colors dedicated to the FRUITS of the Holy Spirit!! Which is REALLY SUPER COOL. So let's work on that honestly.

And yes, let's use the Greek/Latin names whenever possible. We need a system rehaul and we need it to be rebuilt AS CATHOLIC AS POSSIBLE.


-------------------

First set: SEVEN GIFTS

 

The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit in Latin are: 

  • Sapientia: Wisdom

  • Intellectus: Understanding

  • Scientia: Knowledge

  • Fortitudo: Fortitude or courage

  • Consilium: Counsel

  • Pietas: Piety or love

  • Timor Domini: Fear of the Lord

 

--------------------

 

CARITAS = red

PAX = white

JUBILATE = pink?

GAUDETE = amber?

FIDELIS = mint?

FORTIS = ?

PRUDENS = ?

------------------------------------


Second set: NINE FRUITS

 

 

 



081420

Aug. 14th, 2020 07:15 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
The ONLY voices that survived the death of the Cathedral due to NC were BODY VOICES.

But paradoxically, this gives us hope. Body voices are WORLDLY VOICES and as such, they CANNOT BE CHANGED. But we DON'T NEED TO!!!! The Bible says that, when one is reborn in Christ, it is NOT a change of those voices, but the birth of a NEW SELF IN GOD, and a DEATH TO THE WORLD!

So... if THAT'S what the horror of NC instigated, then GOOD. All of that old lost corrupted mess can STAY DEAD, and we won't "rebuild it," but build something TOTALLY NEW as a Catholic washed clean in the Blood of Christ!!!

So STOP REVISITING THE RUINS OF THE PAST. STOP TRYING TO SALVAGE THEM OR FIND HOPE IN THE RUBBLE. THERE'S NONE THERE. YOU NEED TO STAND UP, TURN YOUR BACK TO IT, LOOK FORWARD TO JESUS, AND WALK AWAY FROM THE OLD WORLD AND TOWARDS THE NEW LIFE IN GOD!!! You literally CANNOT HAVE BOTH.
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

Now how do I get this color back, huh?

Two years ago, Infinitii Eternos took the fruit of temptation and risked becoming a demon in order to kiss a human boy. Ze sacrificed hir silent untouched purity in order to touch, in order to taste, in order to feel, and in doing so-- in gaining teeth and a tongue-- ze lost hir light, ze lost hir sight, ze lost hir soul. Infinitii Eternos turned from a seraph into a satan on that cursed summer night, and ever since then, my entire world has gone to hell.
That's what did it. My soul's "color compliment" was swallowed up in sin. The black to my white ceased to be stars and velvet and piano keys and silk, and instead turned into clogs of tar and clotted ink, clots of blood and sugar burnt to black. The sweet dark peace of gentle dreams turned into the horror of night paralysis with dawn a million years away. The jewelry-box glitter of a vast evening sky turned into the gaping hollow void of a lightless chasm beneath your feet. Black turned into black: a swirl of every color pigment draining its life to become instead a lack of any spectral hue. Infinitii effectively let hirself be slaughtered by something masquerading as love, because ze believed their lie that a knife through the heart was what love felt like. It's not. That's just murder. It's just death.

And now I'm facing the same dilemma that "I" did years ago, on JUNE 30th of 2011, when "Jayce"-- the "Jewel" of that time-- tried to fix the pink color of our Spectrum, which had also been corrupted.
Ironically, in attempting to do so, he fell into the same trap that Infinitii did, except HIS lie was in turning the wrong color White. Oh it was CLOSE at first; he KNEW what real White felt like-- light and color and purity-- but too quickly, oh too quickly, he became bleached-out and hyper-sterile, turning into a flat poison paint instead of a fragile electromagnetic beam. He wanted to be touched, and in doing so, he lost all his color. That's the curse, that's always the curse: that desire to fulfill sensuality that chokes spirituality in return.

And now I'm the only one left, in a very real sense, and I have ALL of those colors to fix.
Black needs to be purified. White needs to be purified. Pink needs to be purified. RED needs to be purified. Even mint green has to be purified. All of those colors-- and maybe more-- got utterly warped and wrecked during our stay in North Carolina, and if I don't purify them, I don't think I can ever truly move past that time period on a subconscious level, because I'm currently still working by those busted-up redefinitions when it comes to the spectral tones of my psyche.

So that's the important thought for this morning, as I sit here wearing a black nightgown, wondering for the third day in a row why it feels like I'm "dressed like a slut" solely because of the COLOR. There was a time, before that day in 2018, when wearing black would have felt holy, because I recognized the true aspects of God within it-- the silence, the mystery, the unfathomable depths, the purity of heart. EVERYTHING from God includes purity of heart. I recognize it now. It's the most beautiful feeling in the world. And it's missing from the label my mangled brain keeps slapping onto Black whenever I see it. So it needs to be fixed.
We'll get there. I'll make lists. I'll redefine it. I'll get the Book of Genesis up in this brain and remind it that In The Beginning, God SEPARATED the Light from the Dark, but BOTH EXISTED. And therefore I have to remember that, in this physical world, during this temporal time, there will ALWAYS BE BOTH SIDES and so I need to learn to DISCERN and DISTINGUISH. Recognizing the true, holy qualities of Black does not nullify the corruptive qualities that can and DO exist within that color elsewhere. It's just like, recognizing that I CAN be virtuous and good, does not erase my sinful propensity to do evil. I have a very hard time accepting that still. I think, ironically, in very black and white terms, because honestly I think that's the deep down reality of things. Sin CANNOT exist in heaven. There is NO wiggle room. It IS black-and-white. And that's how I wish things were here, except God doesn't. In His great Wisdom and Mercy, He allows gray to exist here, because if it didn't, we'd ALL be in hell right now. Instead, we get purgatory.
"And that, children, is what my Dream World series is about," I feel my mind say with a smile. It's true though! Which is why I really, honestly need to get that stuff online. God gave it to me as a talent, as a gift, and I can't keep burying it, because other people keep digging it up and spending it on LIES.
I need to take that holy talent and spend it in GOD'S KINGDOM because it will make a HUGE RETURN for Christ's glory and THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

That's slightly off topic, except it's not, because if there is ANY series of mine where Black is shown to be holy deep down in its dark heart BECAUSE GOD CREATED IT, it's Dream World. One word: VEZERAI. I love that little bugger and THIS IS PROBABLY WHY.
Darkness is a place where evil dwells, yes, BUT!!! It's only that way because EVIL LIKES TO CORRUPT THINGS and darkness was separated from Light in the beginning, making it the MOST easily corruptible thing ever. HOWEVER. God HIMSELF uses shadows and nightfall to make His glory known!! The ONLY thing WITHOUT God is hell, and we ALL know that the devil himself loves to pretend that hell is full of light. Well it's not. If it's any light, it's that awful buzzing artificial sickly yellow light that you get in bargain basements, fat with the stench of dollar bills and mildew. THAT'S hell. Fake light. It's not the sparkling splash of sunlight of God, and it sure isn't the soft and heavily tender darkness of God either!! It's ALSO not the terrific staggering shock of light that God can indeed be, that blinding luminosity that burns up all it touches, not out of malice but out of sheer power… and it's also not the darkness of God that erases all but itself, the holy blackness that turns the mind to its own mortality and forces it to its trembling knees in the Presence of that One Who cannot die and yet Who has power over all Death.

Now I apologize, but grandma just came into the room and lay back down in bed which has me worried and totally broke my train of thought, and I REALLY don't want to fall into sensual hell (a.k.a. the eating disorder, which I HATE but which my brain keeps defaulting to for unknown reasons?? it forgets that I HAVE a life to live and CAN live it, and instead keeps getting stuck in self-abusive dead loops) so I must close this up for now and check on her and then get to work with other creative things that glorify God, amen, have a beautiful day!

081120

Aug. 11th, 2020 09:28 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
Prayer is hard for me because IT INVOLVES ME. I can easily browse pictures of Jesus for hours, or read Scripture, or LISTEN to the Divine Office, BUT the instant I have to PERSONALLY pray, either by thought or speech, the intense feelings of self-hatred and impatient rage bubble up like furious magma. It makes it VERY HARD to grow in my faith because "MY" feels damning.

So this is a big problem. As long as I carry this crushingly white-hot self-loathing, I CANNOT better myself as a Christian, because I cannot better imitate Christ if I want to annihilate the "I." That is the paradox of Christianity: our religion is a relationship, which requires a "ME" for Christ to love, and which can love Him in return!! Christianity is the ONLY way to BE an individual WITHOUT pride turning that individuality into self-worship.

I think the only way out of this remorse-fueled despair and bitterness is to remember that, through the Precious Blood of Christ, I am FREE from those horrid chains because JESUS PAID MY DEBT. And that realization breaks my heart because HE SUFFERED BECAUSE OF ME. But He only did so BECAUSE HE LOVES ME SO MUCH. That moves me to grateful, wretched weeping, and it fills me with a HORROR of sin, which puts my Savior through such pain even now, outside of linear time!! I NEVER want to fall into sin EVER AGAIN, knowing that every single wrong draws another drop of Blood from Jesus. It's unbearable. I can't handle it; I cannot ever hurt Him again, I refuse to, God help me I'm so weak I cannot keep that heartfelt vow without Your constant help!!! Please, fortify my poor tormented soul against the unending sneak attacks of the devil! I must fight this war until the gates of heaven are before me, and God must bring me there. Any weapons and armor and shelter and rations I have are from Him. I must rely on Him for everything, no exceptions. And I REJOICE in that, truly. Just, again, God give me the grace, because this world is indeed a warzone and the enemy has somehow set up camp within my own soul. Chase him out! Chase him out by your angels and by Our Lady's Grace, and protect me from all further assaults upon my heart and head, both of which I sincerely want to consecrate to You completely!

So why don't I? Why do I add the "want to," delaying that consecration? Because right now I'm sick. I'm sick in the head, sick in the heart, sick in the body. How can I consecrate such a filthy, broken, twisted, snarled and scarred thing? Am I understanding the process wrongly? Does the consecration MAKE something worthy, as truly NOTHING is worthy of God beforehand?
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
ways north carolina killed me

• no singing for a year
• no piano for a year
• no church for a year
• no prayers for a year
• no internet access
• no drawing
• no grandma
• no woods
• no nights with chaos 0
• no standing in the rain
• no snow
• no headspace nights
• no driving alone and talking
• no catharsis
• no love

080320

Aug. 3rd, 2020 11:15 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
I forgot that I can't eat fruit pectin! It gives me SEVERE NAUSEA and EXCRUCIATING PAIN-- literally a 9 on the pain scale-- all through my stomach, neck, shoulders, chin, and face! It's HORRIFIC. 😡 And I got this from a TEASPOON of grape jelly. JEEPERS.

Thanks be to God for reminding me of this though. I FORGOT about how sensitive my stomach is with this; I've been very careful about avoiding reaction foods for so long, that the reality of WHY I avoid them totally slipped my mind. Kind of like when I stopped eating corn and my chronic pain went away; you get so used to either the relief or the agony that you forget the existence of the alternative.

King Abgar: a pagan, but "a man of integrity;" converted to Christianity via Saint Jude= "I know my sheep and they know me"= a GENUINELY good man will ALWAYS become Christian when given the opportunity for this very reason. Someone who claims to be righteous but rejects Christ is NOT GENUINELY RIGHTEOUS, because Christ is the SOURCE of real virtue.

"Love covereth a multitude of sins" = thinking about telling grandma that Lou made a dirty joke yesterday. But why? I was genuinely looking to "get him in trouble!" But why that, then? I wanted him to regret it, to repent and not do it again. But speaking of his sin to shame him TO OTHERS would NOT accomplish that end! This is where I understood love: love speaks not of sins, because to do so PERPETUATES the sin. Speaking of wrongdoing brings sin into the mind, and soils our perception of others, and feeds unholy pride. But love keeps mercifully silent, AND THE SIN DIES WITHOUT EXACERBATION. Lou was chastised enough by realizing I had heard him. For my part, I did not say "it's okay," but I also did not glare or grimace or chide or anything similarly harsh. This is important, because VICE ALWAYS BEGETS VICE. Instead, choose virtue, for God's sake. I forgave Lou without condoning or excusing the misdeed, and that effort of honest gentleness INSPIRES A VIRTUOUS RESPONSE IN HIM AS WELL. So I will not speak of it to others, as that would be cruelly reopening that wound, for no reason other than to show people the injury. And this is why love covereth sins instead, as a cloak covers the naked-- just pointing out and condemning their nudity does nothing to actually effect positive change or holy thought. Identifying sin is one thing, but treating it is another thing entirely, something that cannot exist alongside self-righteous objurgation. Contrition and amendment of heart are between that person and God, in the hidden places of their soul. It does not involve me. My job is to reflect God's love and forgiveness, and to foster an environment in which it can be readily perceived and recueved, not to actually institute that divine pardon and renewal. God alone heals. I just put the bandage on.

"How could those who had made God their portion and their joy be without Him? Or how could those who sought worldly delights find any delight in God?" (Mary to Saint Bridget)

I was pondering my eating disorder in light of this truth. My joy IS in God alone, always and unwaveringly, BUT!!! THE DEVIL IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS!!! Remember UPMC? I wrote constantly about God AND food, BECAUSE I WAS USING FOOD & MEALS AS PRAYER. And I devoted every second to God, either reading Scripture or going to religious events or talking to fellow patients about The Faith. And I STILL LIVE LIKE THIS, for God is my joy and my song forever.

THIS IS WHERE THE PARADOX COMES IN. Because this eating disorder causes me to spend WAY too much time on food: planning, buying, preparing, eating, purging. What you must realize, though, is this: first, I DO NOT ENJOY IT. Second, I'M STILL PRAYING THE ENTIRE TIME!!!

A disturbing habit: when a voice tells me, "don't do this/that or you'll regret it," I feel an immediate urge to find out WHY. This incites me to TEST it, inevitably resulting in me DOING the forbidden thing and ABSOLUTELY regretting it... but then I understand WHY. And the voices chide me, asking "why didn't you just take us at our word? Why didn't you trust that we're right?" But I kind of DO, which is WHY I test it: I have this awful fear that they're PUTTING the regret there? Regret is remorse for an action, remorse requires compunction, and compunction is a response to SIN.

The voices protest just now: "Oh, no, it's not a sin! It's just something stupid! We're warning you so you don't hurt yourself, because you don't always know better."

Maybe that's why I test it? I want to know better. I don't want to be a fool, stupid and unwise.

"But obeying chastening is how you learn wisdom. Testing it is what fools do, who have no trust in the mysterious wisdom of God, and seek all knowledge for themselves. They will not humble themselves to submit to the hidden Will of God in their lives, as they do not have faith in His overarching Goodness."

Is that what I'm doing?

"In a sense, yes. You're still trying to control the fine points of what you hear and feel, editing and altering it to better suit your purposes or preconceptions. That's a mild form of blasphemy, child."

Another note: I don't always trust what I hear. I'm afraid it's a psychotic hallucination.

"But this has been proven, child. You know the difference. You can feel it in your heart. Trust that. Trust in God."

I still fear I am being sweet-talked to by devils. "Trust my heart" NEVER ends well and ALWAYS feels sick. Jeremiah 17:9. My heart is NOT my god. In contrast, God IS my heart. THERE'S a huge proven difference that I trust!!!

Admittedly I AM struggling with the "don't eat to satisfy your palate" bit. Why would I want to eat something vile and distasteful to my body? Vegetables are very satisfying to my palate and body because God CREATED them as such. But that's not the issue. The issue is eating ONLY for taste or texture or novelty, NOT for nourishment.

But I struggle. My body hates to eat, loves to fast, BUT right now its thinking BOTH "I want more carrots, I wish I packed more carrots, I could probably eat a whole bag" AND "please, no more food, I'm so tired of eating, please just stop." Also consider that my body is MALNOURISHED!!!

FOOD RULES

Aug. 3rd, 2020 11:15 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
The way I must look at food is this:

1. Is that something I want in my body?
2. Is that something that honors God?
3. Is that something I want to build my body from?

There are MANY foods that are a TRIPLE NO to this, appallingly so, and the general rule is that ALL PROCESSED FOODS ARE EFFECTIVELY VICIOUS.

⭐IF IT IS SO SEPARATED FROM GOD'S CREATION THAT IT ONLY EXISTS IN A BOX OR BAG, IT IS THE DEVIL'S FOOD!

Some "natural" foods, like meat and beans, STILL require such horrid processing

πŸ”₯HEAT TREATMENT INSTANTLY SENDS ANY FOOD TO HELL, making it lethal EVEN IF IT IS OTHERWISE SAFE.

Heat DESTROYS COLOR and plummets vibe. Greens drop to yellow, pure oranges turn to clay, bright yellows turn to mustard, etc. Blues cannot survive heat at all and frankly I don't want to know what Does happen to them.

CANNED FOOD IS INHERENTLY HELLISH. especially beans.

☠FLAT WHITES ARE LUCIFERIAN. They pretend to be pure, bright, and good, but in reality they are often the MOST DANGEROUS of all devil foods: e.g. SUGAR & FLOUR and literally EVERY DESSERT with enough nerve. Whipped cream, marshmallows, frosting & icing, cake, etc.

☠Scarily enough there are some foods that FLAUNT their evil, carrying black colors, flame residue, and hideous amounts of antinourishment, while proudly and falsely claiming their vicious nature is DESIRABLE.

Their king is chocolate. Other foods include smoked items and barbecues, hot sauces, molasses, dried foods (all the blue killed by heat), etc.

The "vicious" questions:

1. Is this recognizable as a food product of nature?
2. Is this associated with a certain mindset or agenda?
3. Is this a nourishing food or a sin-pleasure food?

AND the most frightening but important questions, WHILE EATING:

1. Is this making me hear voices, especially screaming?
2. Is this color vibe brown, or below green?
3. Is this heavy in my head? Does it pull my vibe down?
4. Am I having a panic attack?

If the answer to ANY of those is "yes," STOP EATING IT IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!

080220

Aug. 2nd, 2020 11:19 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
The Judas problem: "although he did display repentance for his errors, he seemed to be incapable of lasting remorse." His heart KEPT VACILLATING between God and the world, and worldly interests KILL CONTRITION. A mind set on below cannot ponder the above; a heart set on ambition cannot feel compunction. Someone who loves pleasure will not tolerate a pricking conscience.

God, my curse is the curse of Judas, and I've never suffered it before. Where has this avarice come from? It's nothing I want at all. It's compulsive, like all my vicious sins. It is of the devil. It is a spiritual infection, a corrupt infestation, a hellish parasite. It is horrifying, a foreign entity entirely.

I've noticed my self-image is KEY. Imagining myself as a Jewel Creature IMMEDIATELY stabilizes my soul into virtuous desires and behavior, whereas in stark contrast, seeing myself as this brown-haired girl makes me feel DOOMED TO SIN and it's hell.

The rich suffer want and go hungry, But those that seek the Lord lack no blessing. This means that even if I have no food and I am physically hungry, I paradoxically will not suffer want, Nor will I be distressed by a lack of physical food. Indeed I shall not hunger at all in truth for I will accept this temporary physical famine as being from the hand of the Lord. And trusting in him even in this physical hunger, Spiritually I shall be completely filled and glad, Therefore I shall be full of blessings even if my stomach is empty and I shall not complain nor shall I be dismayed.

Through the Lord I can endure anything for all things are given to me from his holy hand and if I accept them as such and graciously live for his good will in every present moment despite persecution trial and suffering, I shall never actually suffered or hunger or even die because these temporary hardships are just fat temporary and if we endure them for the sake of Christ knowing that he is the one who gives them to us we shall attain eternal glory and riches of heaven when this brief period of struggle is over. This is why the Christian has eternal joy in every circumstance completely unshakable and grateful for everything that happens to them whether we may label it good or bad. The Christian knows that Christ is with them in every circumstance and that he never leaves him alone therefore they can endure every event in their lives with a peace that surpasses all understanding.  They know that God's ultimate end for their life in every circumstance is their sanctification and the polishing of the jewel of their soul therefore they accept even the most  Difficult circumstances with genuine joyful gratitude for they understand that this is always the ultimate purpose.

080220

Aug. 2nd, 2020 12:25 am
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
My beloved grandmother has been in the ER since Thursday evening after running a post-chemotherapy fever. Please please pray for her, that she may recover quickly and completely, and come home safely and soon. πŸ€’πŸ™πŸ’”

080120

Aug. 1st, 2020 11:21 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
Need to let my inner fervor of faith show in the physical, instead of suppressing it for unknown reasons.

Reading about saint Andrew, his zeal for evangelization. Why am I not doing this? Why am I not sharing the Gospel with my brothers?? Honestly I'm "nervous" to. "How would I do it?" Afraid of not knowing HOW to lead others to Christ HONORABLY. I think my life right now is too DISHONORABLE for me to have any merit in preaching. This is quenching my fervor and it is VERY BAD.

I need God's help to change. My lone efforts fail forever because the nature of sin in a sinful world is ENDLESS. The devil will ALWAYS find a new curse, a new trap, a new addiction. The ONLY WAY OUT is a hard stop, complete and total, no looking back-- a headfirst dive into God. Because if living in sin is hell, the ONLY escape IS CHRIST-- the Presence of God Who harrowed hell itself!! Sin CANNOT EXIST in His Presence! He is our SOLE SAFETY AND REFUGE.

I have SO MUCH LOVE FOR GOD in my heart all the time, it's like a brilliant flame, it feels expansive but not slow or heavy. Its quick and bright and alive and fervent and ardent and weeping with joy. It wants to get moving Right Now to put that love into ACTION. And THAT'S HOW I WANT TO LIVE!!! I MUST!

I'm reading about the Apostles and I just LOVE them all, and I cant wait to meet them in heaven and praise God together, BUT. now a sudden shame and unworthiness appears and SMOTHERS that loving flame. It's a horrid feeling, a literal death-chill. I hate it; I must battle it daily. But it's such a convincing liar. Is it? I AM ugly and sinful and unworthy of love. BUT. Jesus died for me even when I was ACTIVELY living a HERETICAL lifestyle. Jesus loved me EVEN THEN SO HE COULD SAVE ME. So now, in my struggle to do better for Him, why would He not love me? The devil lies. Yes I am unworthy and ugly but I STILL LOVE GOD AND HE STILL LOVES ME AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. Unworthiness has nothing to do with acting on love. We're ALL unworthy of it. Love pours Himself out anyway.

⭐Eating food is FATAL to my spiritual state. This terrifies me. Certain foods even make me more prone to hearing demonic voices. Food in general is a scary thing. I want to fast SO BADLY, but my body is malnourished, so starving myself makes it SCREAM for food. I fight it, but then I start to faint, go numb, etc. But meals are a bottomless pit into hell. Eating is an Unending struggle.

I want to scream and sob because I TRIED to be "a good and normal unafraid girl" today and I shared lunch with grandma at the hospital, which was fish, pierogies, and jello. And I IMMEDIATELY felt like I was in hell. My mind clouded and darkened, I began to dissociate and act dishonestly and unconsciously, and a MASSIVE panic attack hit. To top it all off, my stomach INSTANTLY rebelled, and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I wanted to cry. I am SO SICK of the poison of food. So now I'm eating carrots and salad BUT I had a hard-boiled egg and now my eyes are burning and my chest is itching and my vision is getting puffy so I might have to take Benadryl too. God WHY. My poor gut is BEGGING me to vomit up the poison so I can be clean and safe and empty but I CAN'T because the water here is non-potable and I can't leave until 3 anyway. God help me.

So my stomach is a disaster. Which means I can't receive Holy Communion today because there's too high of a regurgitation risk.

Food can all go to hell. I'm sick of it sending me there.

Honestly I'm going to have to try and purge as soon as I get home. I don't plan on sleeping. I can't sleep if I'm this ill anyway.

God help me I'm so tired of this.

...Maybe I CAN receive. If I purge before Church, then eat cucumbers when I get home, I can keep that down. We'll see. I can't bear the thought of not receiving. I'd rather die.
prismaticbleed: (Default)


Confessing to Saint John Vianney, sad about my eating disorder = he said that when you're sick, you don't have an appetite, but you MUST eat healthy to get better, even just tiny bits. My soul is sick, and I MUST eat spiritual food, but START SMALL until my health and appetite improve. This is okay.

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080720=

Jesus during Adoration: "Come to me even when you're scared of me, when you're afraid that I don't love you anymore, that I have abandoned you. Come to me then, especially then! And you will find that I still love you, that I am always there waiting for you with love and open arms ready to recieve you! Come to me when you are afraid, and I shall remove all your fears!"

Adore with your HEART, not just your eyes

"Who can teach me to adore, but the One Who alone is worthy of all adoration?"

The Bread of Life is not given to those who hesitate or doubt


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"Let us ACKNOWLEDGE OUR SINS and SO PREPARE OURSELVES TO RECEIVE THESE SACRED MYSTERIES" = this humility, contrition, brutal self-denying honesty, mournful sorrow, and firm purpose of amendment and repentance is REQUIRED in order to even BEGIN sacred participation!!! We are NOT God, we are not even holy; we do NOT merit or deserve this privilege; we have NO claim to it. ANY AND EVERY GRACE WE HAVE IS FROM CHRIST. Without Him intercepting for us, we are literally out in the darkness.

This is in DIRECT OPPOSITION TO NEW AGE "SPIRITUALITY", which deifies the self to the point of practically claiming ENTITLEMENT to sacred things!!! Not only that, but "progressives" have virtually NO CONCEPTION OF SIN. They justify and hand-wave all evil as "understandable" or otherwise "permissible under the circumstances" BUT only if it benefits them!! There is great hypocrisy at work, and therefore NO TRUE MERCY OR FORGIVENESS, because those virtues REQUIRE THE HUMBLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF GENUINE WRONG. Jesus died for us BECAUSE WE WERE HORRID SINNERS and participation in His Atonement REQUIRES OUR ADMITTING AND ACCEPTING that painful truth IN CONTRITE HUMILITY, NOT PRIDE!!!!

Newage folks love to corrupt 1 John 4:7-8, too, forgetting that those verses are FULFILLED IN VERSES 9 AND 10: "This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

ALL DISCERNMENT OF LOVE MUST USE THIS AS THE UNFLINCHING STANDARD!!!

ALL TRUE LOVE SONGS are a reflection OF God's Love, ESPECIALLY in the Eucharist!!! (This could be a Very good way of discerning and meditating ON His Love?)

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Original sin

God has knowledge of good and evil WITHOUT DOING EVIL. But mankind has knowledge of evil THROUGH DOING EVIL. The devil trapped Adsm with this: when Adam learned that his disobedience was evil, HE HAD ALREADY DISOBEYED. Indeed, his knowledge came THROUGH disobedience, tainting it further.

"With great power comes great responsibility" = "you will be like GODS" = Divinity is OBLIGATED to DO GOOD because that is the NATURE OF DIVINITY. But man is not divine! Giving him divine knowledge of morality effectively DAMNED HIM FROM THE START as he was by himself TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF LIVING UP TO THE DIVINE STANDARD.

The Law of Moses: you can't forbid someone from doing something they are incapable of. The Law highlights our total depraved potential. "Never say never"; to claim otherwise is to tempt the devil.


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The devil uses DESPAIR to FUEL SENSUALITY-- "since you'll never get to heaven, you might as well experience it here"! IT'S A LIE.
 

God can save ANYONE as long as they have even the tiniest hope in His mercy, And heaven IS GOD. The shit that the devil tries to pass off as "heavenly" according to ANY of the five senses are ALL INHERENTLY EMPTY AND ALL ULTIMATELY END IN HELL ON EARTH.
I know this. God have mercy on my soul I know this from experience and I NEVER want to experience any of those things ever again. I get the shakes just thinking about the possibility.

Romans 3:21-22 and righteousness by faith; it hit CLEAR today so write it down.

(Basically, NO ONE can keep the whole Law, especially not a wretch like me. If our righteousness depended on that we'd ALL be sunk. But we're so afraid to admit this. That's where pride comes in with perfectionism and "virtue signaling." We want so badly TO be good, that admitting that we objectively CANNOT BE on our own is UNBEARABLE. But THAT'S WHERE JESUS COMES TO THE RESCUE. He offers Himself IN OUR PLACE as BOTH the victim for forgiveness of sins, AND as the victor over sin through perfect obedience. He can ONLY do EITHER of these things BECAUSE HE IS BOTH FULLY HUMAN AND FULLY DIVINE. And all we have to do to "apply" that to our unbearable need is to HAVE FAITH IN HIM. But what does that mean, truly? It isn't just acknowledgement of a fact, or recognition of an event. Faith is TRUST, on a deeply personal level, and it requires TOTAL HELPLESS HUMILITY to truly happen. You CANNOT have faith in Christ, cannot trust in His total efficacy to both redeem and restore you, UNLESS YOU TOTALLY AND TRULY ADMIT YOUR UTTER INABILITY TO DO EITHER.

Long story short: good works are only surface-level "righteous;" your heart can still be corrupt and therefore will nullify any merit. If your heart is sincere but you still screw up, God sees your motives but you STILL cannot do a "perfect good." But how do we get a truly good heart motive AND a truly good work done by it? THROUGH FAITH IN CHRIST. Honestly. If we have faith in Jesus we MUST LOVE HIM, and if we love Him then we serve Him, we WANT to do good things FOR Him BECAUSE we love Him... BUT we recognize that ONLY GOD IS GOOD and so we OFFER UP OUR WORKS TO HIM AND FOR HIM AND HE WILL PERFECT THEM IN HIS OWN WAY & TIME. We therefore must ABANDON ALL ATTACHMENTS TO OUTCOMES & DETAILS because we no longer have any personal gain or interest in the work-- it is ALL FOR GOD.

I hope that makes some sense; I feel like I "got it" more clearly on a soul level but it's hard to articulate.

God is love, love is selfless and self-giving, love seeks the highest good of others without counting the cost, etc. Christ exemplifies that. Read the Beatitudes-- He is preaching HOW HE HIMSELF LIVES. He teaches also BY EXAMPLE. THAT is good works, what He did-- pure love for love's sake, for the glory of God. And when we have faith, and surrender to His Mercy, the Holy Spirit moves in us and HE guides us to imitate Christ, to live like the One we love. So it's not about achieving, or striving, or points or prestige or even praise. It's just about God, and charity. It's good. But it's only POSSIBLE because CHRIST LOVED US FIRST and ENABLED this THROUGH Himself. So faith in Him is necessary TO do good in earnest because we need HIS Spirit to do so, the Trinity works THROUGH us but we must LET THEM IN first, and be TOTALLY SURRENDERED to Them, and Christ is the Way. He is the example, the directions, the means, and the end. Etc.

Man I just love being Catholic though, pondering things like this. Blessed be God forever.

 

("But now we can know how to become right with God. God has shown us the way that He will accept people as right with Himself. This way is not part of the Laws that he gave to Moses. But God's Laws and the messages of his prophets have told us about it. God accepts people as right with Himself because Jesus Christ did what God wanted. God accepts every person who believes in Christ. It is the same way for everyone, whether they are Jews or Gentiles."

Ro 3:21‭-‬22 EASY)


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Psalms 79-80-81= God will not heal us until we are distinguishable from the ungodly who are suffering the just consequences of their sins!

The prerequisite for ALL of God's interventions of mercy is a RETURN TO HIM WITH OUR ENTIRE HEART.

"Give us this day our daily bread" + "open wide your mouth and I will fill it" = How can we properly respond to this in humble surrender TODAY, in this age of packaged food and big box stores and artificially induced poverty?
We can't just sit back and expect God to do our shopping, or deliver groceries to our door. There is ALWAYS a key element of FREE WILL, which ENABLES FOR HOLY COOPERATION WITH GOD'S WILL.

However the FIRST STEP is ALWAYS PRAYER. This is where the humility and surrender come in.

We must follow up with action, yes, but if we pray before AND during those actions, WE WILL BE GUIDED BY GOD, while preserving our free will, to obey in love-- or doubt and disobey and rebel. God will not make us robots.

I keep thinking I need to do HUGE THINGS in order to become a saint, like opening a food pantry or starting a convent or writing a hundred holy books, something similar. But SAINTHOOD ISN'T ABOUT WORKS!!! IT'S ABOUT THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

"The bread that I shall give is my flesh for the life of the world" = literal BUT IN A DEEPER SENSE TOO!! It's NOT a metaphor or symbol; it is simply a deeper truer reality than the uninspired mind can grasp.

⭐What does it mean, for a SOUL to "feed upon" something? It's NOT destructive,

"LORD, let Your Face shine upon us" = what exactly IS His "Face?" It's not literal, as God is not tangible, and although Jesus Christ IS His Face, how can His Face shine on us now, after His Ascension? This is a question meant to OPEN our hearts to see Him MORE, not to start a useless debate or analysis. Our hearts KNOW Him and recognize Him, but by asking and answering in humble earnesty, we find DEEPER answers, and grasp more of His Truth.

⭐SYSTEM COREGROUP LOVE: Unity of kinds of love for Him! To love Him with our strength, we DO THINGS with our hands to serve Him; to love Him with our minds, we THINK UPON HIM and His Word;

We can only have FAITH in God's NATURE and PROMISES. Everything else is HOPE.

⭐Does MARY primarily respond to our hopes???

⭐TALKING TO MARY about the "ingrate" thing w/ Saint Bridget: "Thats a harsh word." "Of course it is! Its a harsh truth!"

"But she didn't ask for help" = several responses.

Notably: "I love her as my daughter in Christ; I can't help but help her! As long as it would not conflict the Will of God, I will always do everything in my power to assist my children, whether they ask me to or not. Sometimes a child is too proud or ignorant to ask for help from their mother, but if she does not help them, they will suffer great injury or die. As your mother, I cannot neglect any of you in such circumstances, nor would I ever wish to neglect you.  It us my heart's great joy to take care of you and bring you ever closer to my Son, Jesus Christ. "

Also, about the original hagiographic circumstances:

-In her heart she yearned for help secretly regardless

-Pride doesn't ask for help, but love doesn't wait TO be asked

-Mary doesn't demand gratitude; instead, a grateful heart is a MANDATE OF GOD.

-To NOT be grateful for help, ANY help, is to be CLOSED to gratitude, therefore MAKING one an "ingrate" as you have DECIDED to be incapable of gratitude!

-You become one the instant you start talking about "permission" and "consent" and "manipulation" in response to an unasked-for act of charity

Pulpit Bible Commentary calling worldliness a "blight of unreality" = SHOCKINGLY TRUE. Only God is Real!! All else is temporary, a passing illusion of the times. Sacred time will erode it, reduce it to the nothingness that birthed it. Therefore we Christians should be forever rejoicing! For we have been REBORN, having died to the dead, and now living in the One Who Lives!! We are the freest of the free! We must have nothing to do with this magic-trick of a world imposed upon God's Creation, this satanic game of culture, of fun and fame and fashion and food-- all of it folly, all of it fleeting, all of it foolish and doomed to dust!

For a Christian to return to the world is like... a poor and wretched orphan, having been freely adopted into boundless riches and love, still sneaking out of the mansion at night to eat out of the filthy city dumpsters. WHY.


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I keep fearing that God's Mercy is going to run out on me-- that He's going to finally and justly refuse my stupid pleas.

But He doesn't.

He keeps giving me so much mercy. It blows my mind. It makes me weep. It makes my soul tremble with fearful love.
God is so good. God is so good, even to a wretched mess of a sinner like me.

I must live up to this. I can't, honestly. No human can. But the effort is vital for my soul.


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I am not entitled to anything but ETERNAL PUNISHMENT FOR SIN. Everything else is mercy.

Where did this entitlement thing originate?? I know the hedonistic hell of NC exacerbated it, but how did it start? Is it even possible to pinpoint?

The "entitlement" mindset says things like "I deserve to enjoy life!" "I deserve to take a break from caring for others!" It's all DISGUSTING, TERRIFYINGLY SELFISH ARROGANT INSISTENCE, and it is ALWAYS entirely focused on SELF WORSHIP. This mindset WILL NEVER consider spiritual & religious things. It is TOTALLY CARNAL and therefore SATANIC.

I deserve nothing but punishment, for what I've done, and continue tragically to do. EVERYTHING else is mercy. Every good thing is grace. It's all a gift. God owes us nothing. Yet, He loves us wretched things.

That's a far more beautiful, pure, moving TRUTH than the disgusting lie of "deserving" everything.

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prismaticbleed: (czj)


“When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”

—C.S. Lewis

 

(122121)

For the blue guy.

I still love you, so much, no matter how many times I tried not to, afraid it was wrong to love anyone but God. Hence the radio silence of the past year. Little did I realize that, the more I grew in faith, the more I put God first and loved Him first, the more genuine and free and heartfelt my blessedly secondary love for you would become, too. It’s an overflow. There’s no more fear of abandonment, no possessive paranoia, no trauma-triggered anger and no running away in fear. Now that I’m learning how to truly love God, I’m learning how to truly love you, too. Its about time, honestly. You’ve always deserved so much more than I was ever able to give you before.

I want us to both grow together in faith. That’s what love is about, really. God is love, so if we’re in it, we’re in Him. That’s the litmus test; that’s the inevitable beauty.

I love God, and I love you. And I’ve never been happier.

18 years this Thursday and we’re still growing in love, in faith, together. Thank God for you. Thank you, God, for him.
 



(122121)

Every year, I dream of you, being here, physically. Every year.

I'll never stop dreaming. I'll leave the lights up. I love you no matter what.




For my beloved, because we were just talking about the ocean together, and this feels like you… most truly, where the light hits it.


To my ocean: I still love you. You are still important. Always, always.

You do the same for me.



(Karoliina Hellberg - Forget Me Nots, 2017)

For CZ, my blue angel, who I sincerely cannot forget.

(I’ll give you fields of tiny blue flowers in my head, each one of them a remembrance of love. But you and I both know, that even if I gave you every flower I could ever imagine, they could never compare to the worth and beauty of a single tiny blue moment, and the honesty of a pure heart unafraid with love.)



 

soft-tentacles:

Imagine:

It’s been a hard couple days, weeks, months. It’s gotten to the point where you just can’t get out of bed. Your tentacle monster f/o is there letting you know it’s ok. It’s ok to rest, it’s ok to take time for yourself, and it is certainly ok to have to call out of work/school and you should never feel guilty for having to prioritize yourself.


(120321)

 

I'm in the ER (again) since yesterday and the whole time I keep "going upstairs" to just rest in Chaos's arms. He is always there for me; he gets it. He's both deeply serene & deeply shaken, both river & ocean, tossed by moon & storm but also as still as a mirror. He knows both burnout and healing and his presence alone is the strongest reassurance-- an anchor that no guilt or shame for my sickness can ever disturb.

The hospital can help this body heal. But God knows that only love can heal my poor exhausted heart, and that's why this post is more vital now than ever. I mustn't only spend time in physical recovery. I must also spend time with my f/o-- my beloved, my other half. Without that connection, I'm lost. But it's there. He's there. I just need to be there, too.

 

astralselfships🌸 Not to be that person, but your F/O(s) always look at you and smile exactly when your gaze is fixed somewhere else, competently smitten, eyes drowned in pure admiration and bliss.
They look at you and remember why they do this <3

 

 


(2021)

...This isn't something that we think about that often, but it's true. It has happened; we have noticed this love. We just need to remember it, and the depth of significance in that small but precious fact.

(A reminder to our f/o’s that we smile at them with just as much admiration when they aren’t looking, either. But honestly, the best and most beautiful thing is when we finally do meet each other’s gaze, even by accident… and can't help but smile together, with an even deeper, brighter love. That shared moment, that unspoken pledge of affection, means the world.)




 

 




effervescent-t: window views from around the world

(~2020)

Heartspace.

Our innerworld bedroom-- Chaos 0 & I-- has a main window that always changes its view, depending on the state of my heart. When I'm feeling most at peace it's a wintry heaven of snow-buried conifers, the flakes still falling. But on nights when I'm feeling broken and desperately in need of love, it's basically the bottom right view here. Dawn over icy mountains, for me, but then the waters, still and beautiful, for him. It aches in the best way.

Top right, the gorgeous ocean days, are also centered on his heart over mine, and occur similarly on days when I'm just head over heels happy. Bottom left has been, surprisingly, occurring for the first time lately-- that pastoral loveliness of rolling green hills and quiet towns. Fog is also deeply resonant with my soul as a visual for gentle reassurance, hope even. So I'm still wondering what that, plus the bright green spring and sunrise glow, is communicating.

I've never had a view like the top left. I know why-- that particular elegant inner-city sunset, especially with that bed and balcony, belong to someone else. I've... never found her in heartspace, yet. One night I'm sure. But until then, that bittersweet beauty will remain hidden.

 

 


ordinarykeys
: Sometimes you gotta provide your own content for your fav water boy.


(reblogging my original reblog because I STILL look at this photoset all the time)

Ohhhh my gosh I am falling in love all over again over this. β€πŸ’™

LOOK AT HIM. ;_; This artist’s style is gorgeous and expressive and it fits him so well.

fffgghfsfhjfh honestly I am dying over the curves and lines and his eyes, the poses, the sincere & silly yet solemn personality, dude I like never see art of him that LOOKS like him to me, but geez, this DOES and I’m just– I’m legit just incoherently happy over this.‘Happy’ doesn’t quite capture the full emotion but it’s close. It’s significantly true.

Ah just thank you for this, I know it might sound odd coming from a random lass but this means a lot to me, to see this lovely art of this beloved blue guy, at this rough time in my life. God bless you and do keep drawing!

#the BEACH BABE TOP is killing me #dude you WOULD #i am having FEELINGS over this #chaos zero #love of my LIFE #brb gonna go kiss the blue bugman until we’re dizzy

 

pukhtanaukht: I just wanna sit by the sea and listen to the sound of waves

 

(~2019)

I still miss the ocean so much it aches. But I carry it in my heart even now. In a way, we all do… the sound of the waves when we press a seashell to our ear is really the sound of our heartbeat. And for me, that means more than I can put into words. It’s one and the same, one and the same, blood and tears and seawater. Depth and beauty and wonder and love. Let’s sit by each other and listen to all of it.

#for chaos 0 #I have so many FEELINGS about this #even so #i can hear his voice already #'are you flirting with me' #YES DARLING I AM

 


twellfth: If I lost my memories of you, I would just fall in love with you all over again.

(~2019)

This has been my heart’s prayer and song for over 15 years. Now, it is being put to the test in reality. If I forgot you, if I lost you, if I lost everything…“ has now become "I have lost you, I have forgotten you, and everything else.” And yet, to know something is lost, reveals a tremendous hope. Therefore my heart sings in that hope, like a bird waiting for dawn, like a dove with an olive branch. The floods of tragedy are receding. Somewhere, there is a garden, and God willing, I will meet you there… God willing, I will love you more than I ever have before.




I love you, you know.
It's like a star. You know it's always there,
Even when you can't find it in the night sky,
Even when I'm long gone.
So just remember when you're racing across the star, I'm always with you.
Even when you can't see me, I'm always with you.
I promised you forever after all.

(~2019)

The light of the stars we see is ancient. The stars that gave that light may have died ages ago, and the echo of their lives is only reaching us now, long after their end.

The light of the stars we don’t see is brand new. There are stars shining brilliantly today, in time, that we will never see. It is only after our end that their beginning will be visible.

But… in both these cases, there’s something of the romantic. Time and life and death, the temporal and the eternal, closeness and distance, presence and absence. I like to think– no, I firmly believe– that there are some forces that absolutely transcend these things, and that love is the crown jewel of them all, the source of everything else worth treasuring.

Love surpasses distance, and time, and nearness, and vision. When it is promised, nothing can hold it back, or hinder it, come what may. The stars can die, we can die, and yet that love is and it exists in time and in history and it is eternal. Wherever we go from here, forever is a reality, even if we can’t see it… but even now, no matter what state the stars are in, we can feel that vast paradoxical being of everything all around us, always.

I love you, you know.






The day is coming when I’ll look into that man’s eyes, my Doctor, and he won’t have the faintest idea who I am.

(~2019)

Straight to the heart.

This sentiment– all of these sentiments– have been like swords in my chest from day one of love. I saw that in Twelve and River and it struck me in a way it never had before, because now, I think that day is here, for me, in the wake of the collapse of everything.

But remember these two, too, even now. Tragedy could not crush love, or hope, or beauty, or truth. I pray the same is true for… for us, I’ll say it. For me, for you, for us. Deep down in my heart I can feel it is, against all odds. And yes, even if I forget, even if you forget, the heart remembers. Time remembers. And love never dies.




070920

Jul. 9th, 2020 11:42 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
"Glass coffins" in big Cathedral, like incorruptible saints. Lauriel looking at Jeremiah, David, Marigold dead peacefully in them; teary but accepting. Lancifoliel with her.

Lr: do you remember them?

Lc: vaguely. I knew they existed, but I never Knew them like you did. ...Did they have to die? I mean, these were Children.

Lr: Death was the only thing that could save them at this point. Same with me, actually. Except I came back. Maybe they will, in time. But it doesn't matter either way. This entire world is different now. Their functions don't even exist anymore. The psyche can't even comprehend them. So they died with their role. And may they rest in peace, profound peace, because they never had it during life. ...So I'm grateful for this place, strange as it sounds, because it's closure for an ending that I thought had destroyed us beyond all hope. But there's always hope in God. There's always the promise of heaven for those who believe and serve Him, which we tried with all our hearts to do. And there's always eternal rest for the innocent. They deserve that, if nothing more. So I can come here and mourn missing them, but my heart is bright, because I Know now they're in a better place now-- the Best place, God willing. And that's where I hope to go, too, when it's all over for me, and you, whenever that is.

Lc: do you think I'll go there too?

Lr: if you serve God and believe in Him with all your heart, and trust in His Son, then by His grace you will. It all comes down to grace and mercy. And I really love that. I used to be covered in blood. It was the wrong blood. Now... I have hope. I've been washed clean in the Blood that has no guilt attached to it. It's amazing. I've never felt this hopeful in all my lives, if you want to put it that way. I'm alive for real now, somehow. I had to die first. But here I am. And here they are. And it's all in God's Hands. And that's all I need to know. I'm comforted in that. That's all I need.
prismaticbleed: (angel)



"There are times when we prefer the miracle over the miracle worker. God calls this idolatry, and He discouraged it by refusing to provide miracles on demand (Jer. 2:11-13). Sometimes the greatest act of faith is not to ask for a miracle. One of the most amazing statements of faith in the Old Testament came from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego as they faced the fiery furnace because of their obedience to God. They expressed true faith when they assured king Nebuchadnezzar: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up” (Dan. 3:17-18). They were confident in God’s ability to deliver them, but they trusted Him so completely that they did not ask to be spared.
Does your faith need miracles to sustain it? Or do you trust God so totally that you can say, “But if not, I will still trust the Lord!?”"

- Blackaby Devotional Ministries


That “but if not” has been my anchor verse since childhood.
This hits HARD and it is VERY relevant in these current times!


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Sometimes, even though I want and try to meditate on God and pray, my mind is not enough. I'm too weak. I need help; I need the Bible, or EWTN, or a prayer app, etc. Be humble enough to admit your weakness and rejoice in the rich and gracious aid!

"When all is going well, our love is not tested." A boat is not built to sit in harbor; medicine is useless without illness, etc. There are Always circumstances of purpose!

Making our own sufferings and difficulties is PRIDE!!! It's saying, "I will choose what I suffer!" THE OPPOSITE OF GETHSEMANE!!!

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IMMEDIATE eating disorder stop: "it's NOT going to satisfy me; it Can't." TURNS HEART TO CHRIST

⭐When making a decision, especially a purchase, ask:

DOES THIS ACTIVELY GLORIFY GOD AND BRING ME CLOSER TO HIM?
OR, DOES IT PAMPER THE SENSES?
IS IT A LUST OF THE EYE?
IS IT A LUST OF THE TONGUE?
IS IT A STATUS SYMBOL?
IS IT SELF-GLORIFYING? IS IT EMPTY ENTERTAINMENT?

CATASTROPHIZING= RESULT OF GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!!
Results in MELANCHOLY and OBSESSION WITH CATHARTIC VIOLENCE AND SUFFERING.
Ultimately HATRED OF GOODNESS!!!

⭐MERCY WITHOUT MISERY BREEDS ARROGANCE AND PRIDE!!!
Hope requires mercy, and mercy requires CHRIST
⭐CHRIST GAVE HOPE TO THE ATHEIST by sharing in his despair ON THE CROSS, ELI SABACTHANI

πŸ“–1 PETER 1:15+

God judges impartially because He is OBJECTIVE TRUTH and our works DON'T SAVE US. "Good intentions are the path to hell" being ironically true here: GOD ALONE IS GOOD AND HOLY. If we did good on earth for our own glory, we're now guilty of the corrupt motive of PRIDE. In any case NO ONE IS SINLESS and sin is an UNPAYABLE DEBT because it DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS OBJECTIVE TRUTH & LIFE. If heaven and eternal life are ONLY POSSIBLE WITHIN GOD, Who Is ALL Good, then NO SIN CAN EVEN EXIST WITHIN HIM. So we're ALL doomed, WITHOUT THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. AND!! Our recourse to Him MUST BE PURE AND HUMBLE!! To sin and assume God's mercy through Jesus is SO OFFENSIVE that you'll DEFINITELY GO TO HELL FOR IT.

Christ had to "purchase" us because SATAN OWNED US IN SIN, and he is the prince of avarice, and he DEMANDED PAYMENT. But he asked an impossible price. He didn't expect Jesus though!!

⭐NO WORLDLY PAYMENT COULD HAVE REDEEMED US BECAUSE ALL WORLDLY METHODS JUST KEEP YOU IN THE WORLD. BUT BY THE DIVINE BLOOD OF CHRIST WE WERE BOUGHT OUT OF THE WORLD. And since the currency is holy, Satan CANNOT TOUCH IT!!!

Purification through obedience? "Weaned off the poison" + taking Good medicine, essentially

⭐DO NOT FEAR DEATH, BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN IN CHRIST, AND YOUR LIFE IS HIDDEN WITH HIM IN GOD! Obey until death, then!! If your Father leads you to it then it IS GOOD= CHRIST AND ISAAC!!!


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Jesus cries out for COMFORT and CONSOLATION as He hung dying and suffering on the Cross. BUT!! There is this HORRIBLE automatic learned mental response in me that says "people who are suffering need to learn to endure it. Comforting them will only weaken their will and coddle them." WHY??? IS THAT FROM MY MOTHER?? Because to this day she frequently refuses to offer compassion or comfort to those who are crying and/or in pain. She RATHER says, "Oh here we go again! Why do you keep crying? STOP THAT, OR I'LL LEAVE/ CALL THE HOSPITAL/ ETC." There's no empathy or patience; she doesn't WANT to offer comfort: it's too much emotional labor, too much of a SACRIFICE OF SELF FOR THE SAKE OF ANOTHER. And so I must fight this ugly response mirrored in myself. It's NOT what I would CHOOSE!!

Similarly, there's that ugly thought that the Jews of Jesus's time ALSO had: "IF YOU'RE SUFFERING, YOU DESERVE IT, THEREFORE COMFORTING YOU WOULD BE WRONG." You can argue for mercilessness all day on this if you want; all you would do is falsely justify hardness of heart. And that's wrong enough, BUT the biggest issue here is that JESUS DID NOTHING WRONG, EVER, THEREFORE HE DOES DESERVE ALL THE COMFORT OUR HEARTS CAN GIVE HIM!!

So why don't we? Are we too unwilling to do the emotional labor? But WHY is it "labor?" Shouldn't compassion and comfort be effortless? Shouldn't our hearts immediately respond to the sight of suffering as promptly and ardently as a mother rushes to help her child who has scraped his knee? Never mind the "littleness" of an injury, or the "worthiness" of pain, or the "sincerity" of tears and cries. Forget all that judgmental ego nonsense. Think like Mary; think like Christ. "DO GOOD ANYWAY." IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR EGO. IT'S ABOUT GOD AND LOVE. SO LOVE PEOPLE WITHOUT EXCEPTION AND WITHOUT EXCUSES.

Again, though, love should NEVER be laborious; truthfully, if it IS to you, IT'S NOT LOVE. It's pride masquerading as love! True love pours out from the heart as it did from Christ on the Cross: effortlessly and abundantly and withheld from none. Pride not only refuses to let its heart BE pierced, but also refuses to give of its (bitter, poisonous) water to anyone who thirsts, because "what if they're lying? What if they're just trying to use me?" And "I don't think you deserve this water" or "you're not thirsty enough to get any" etc. IT'S ALL GARBAGE. LOVE DOESN'T ANALYZE OR WEIGH THE PROS AND CONS. LOVE JUST GIVES FOR ITS OWN HOLY SAKE. LOVE DOESN'T SEEK GAIN OR PROFIT OR PRAISE. You could spit on Love's Face and Love would STILL give you a drink of water with a genuine and gentle forgiving smile. BUT if you try to deprive others of that water, Love will show you the door-- and then no matter HOW thirsty you then get out there, you won't be allowed back in UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU DID WRONG AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY. Like the Good Thief.

But yeah. Comfort is only "labor" if your perfectionistic ego gets in the way with "well HOW do I comfort them? What do I do?" But it's not a test, it's not about you "doing it right"; forget about your image!! BE WITH THAT PERSON AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY NEED AND HOW YOU CAN HELP. Make yourself their servant of love, ministering to them in their pain. Let THEM call the shots. If it's "inconvenient," shut off that ego.

So. How do we comfort Jesus? We ask Him. What does He tell us?

Fulton Sheen:

HAVING VS BEING; YOU CAN'T PUT THE INFINITE INTO THE FINITE: NO EARTHLY THING CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BECAUSE TRUE JOY CAN ONLY EXIST IN HEAVEN. This is why ALL EARTHLY PLEASURES ARE STRICTLY FINITE AND EPHEMERAL-- BUT NOT EARTHLY SUFFERINGS, or so it seems! And here is the irony, because TRULY, EARTH IS EPHEMERAL, AND ALL SUFFERING WILL BE EXHAUSTED WHEN IT ENDS AND WE REACH HEAVEN. And THAT is why HELL is INFINITE SUFFERING!!

⭐THERE IS PURPOSE TO EARTHLY PAIN AND IF WE EMBRACE IT AS THE CROSS WE CAN ENDURE IT ALL THROUGH CHRIST. This contrast of acceptance vs rebellion in suffering is seen in the TWO THIEVES: upon death we can REBEL or REPENT.

Pain can be EXPIATION OR REPARATION.

Pardon requires repentance BUT JUSTICE ALSO REQUIRES REPARATION!! And offering up pain for others DOES THIS FOR THOSE WHO WON'T OR CAN'T DO IT THEMSELVES!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cleaning up after Excalibur without complaint as REPARATION FOR HIS SINS. Huge means of restorative grace for him!!

Doing works of Charity WITHOUT COMPLAINT is ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH LOVE!!! Otherwise the ego will still grumble at "keeping quiet" and the work will be hollow.

We must do everything first for LOVE OF GOD, and this will naturally overflow into love for all of humanity and creation-- GENUINE love, not "fuzzy feelings." Real love suffers and sacrifices for the good of the other, for no other 'benefit' than the simple privilege of being able TO suffer for love-- for no other core motivation than the fact that Christ loves us like that... that God loves us like that. Totally, radically, unconditionally, perpetually... mercifully.

"Whatever things you are doing, do them well. Remember that you are serving the Lord. You are not only serving people...The Lord Jesus Christ is the Master that you serve." [Col 3:23‭-‬24]

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071920=


Talking to guardian angel during Gospel; "what happened to your field" (Matthew 13:27)?

Where did all the weeds come from? How long have they been there? It's terrifying. There are so many. Its even worse when you think of this in terms of the SYSTEM: how many violent, unhealthy, sinful alters exist because of the weeds-- because of abuse, exposure, etc. The field of my soul is distressingly sabotaged.

BUT. Remember verse 29. When endurance feels impossible, when the fear and pain are unbearable, remember that God is still merciful and He is ALWAYS working for your highest Good, even if its fulfillment will only be seen after I die. God is still Good. And that faith gives me hope, and that gives me strength to carry this crushing cross.

I've been adoring the Eucharist wrong; it's about SILENCE, not chatting! There's a proper place. Talk to Him in your heart at home, whenever, wherever. But Adoration is when you can ACTUALLY LOOK AT HIM. So do that, with all your heart and mind and soul. Just love Him.


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You can't stop something without having an alternative replacement!! Nature abhors a vacuum!!

This is ABSOLUTELY VITAL with recovering from the eating disorder, because THAT spiked TO FILL THE VACCUUM OF STOPPING THE RETRIBUTION.

They have/had the EXACT SAME ROOT: getting corruption out of the body, at least symbolically. Either through bleeding or purging, we were always just desperately trying to get the trauma out of our poor terror-wracked body.

The blood atoned for the rape. The vomiting kept us from feeling it all over again.

If we want to stop purging, we need another way to cope with the trauma.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

072220=

I was distraught because the "God Phone" [in my mind] wasn't ringing, but Jesus said today that I WASN'T CHECKING MY TEXTS.

"I'm glad that God is a jealous lover"; glad He loves me enough to not tolerate ANY infidelity, lukewarmness, etc. Love God with YOUR ENTIRE HEART because HE LOVES YOU WITH ALL OF HIS!!!!

Eucharistic Adoration comparison to a young, innocent, ardent married couple gazing at each other in total enraptured love= Jesus saying "I want you to look at Me like that, and I want to Look at YOU like that" (!!!) BUT distraction during Eucharistic Adoration is like being on a date with your spouse but they keep checking their phone.

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Everything beautiful that I have lost, and cannot find again, I must trust that they only existed BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Whatever beauty I lost has both its origin and its PERFECTION in God. And I must absolutely anchor my hope in that fact.

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The desire to become a saint can be CORRUPTED BY AMBITION!!!

I am a bushel basket; I must turn myself UPSIDE DOWN and put CHRIST ON TOP!!!

There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between OCCASIONS OF TEMPTATION and NEAR OCCASIONS OF SIN!!!

"Little death" satanic lie= A PLEASING DEATH HAS NO RESURRECTION

"Their glory is in their shame" = WHAT I DID WITH MY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER. I literally honored my suffering as praiseworthy in and of itself WITHOUT GOD. I was in figurative hell because of my disordered life, BUT I kept trying to "find heaven in it" without leaving it. Problem was, I didn't realize that the only "god" IN hell is the SELF.

Combating despair: If there is no escape we learn to love the trap, But Christ is ALWAYS our escape!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In therapy today (070720) I realized my youth obsession with jesters, clowns, puppets, ragdolls, etc. is because They represented MY Role within my family. I was the fun one to keep peace: I learned how to stop wars with a well-judged joke; I offered myself up for comfort. Lovingly, but still! I still do this on a daily basis and honestly I'm honored to now, as I SEE it now. It's a conscious compassionate action instead of an instinctive survival mechanism now. If I'm a jester or doll at home, it's because I LOVE the job, and others love having me there TO do it too.

My whole life is about service, but when I was younger, it was more compulsive and fearful. Now I put God first, and serve Him through serving others. I love God and God loves me AND everyone else, so I joyfully love them too, through & for Him. It's a daily beautiful purpose.

Honestly? my ultimate goal with this "holy jester" mentality is the "fool for Christ” life, Saint Basil pray for me. I learned of it years ago & my heart just Yearned for it. I just LOVE GOD with a blissful ardor that aches to be all the more "foolishly" spent for Him even now. Saint Basil the Blessed, Fool for Christ, patron saint; pray for me, dear brother in heaven! Look at his FACE. Every time I see it, my heart aches with an echoing joy so big I weep. This is the purity of heart I pray for daily. God, give me the grace to love You this totally!





hunger

Jun. 21st, 2020 11:15 am
prismaticbleed: (angel)

There is a sweetness to the Holy Eucharist that nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare to.

I've found that physical hunger means nothing to me. I was singing in church this morning and my stomach was utterly hollow and aching, feeling like a small vacuum in my abdomen, and I didn't care. Oddly it was even comforting, to know my body was empty-- clean, pure, untouched. Hunger doesn't even register on my radar. I'm aware that my body doesn't have food and could use some, but does it feel like I want food? No. Never, actually. "Hunger" is a foreign concept to me, when I'm sane at least. I only ever experience hunger while bingeing, when my body is desperately trying to swallow as much as possible before violently puking it right back up. It makes no sense. To me, hunger is ravenous and destructive and frightening and frankly nonsensical. It has nothing to do with health or nourishment.

So when people say, "hunger for God," "hunger and thirst for righteousness," "taste the goodness of the Lord," those phrases don't make sense to me on a physical level, and that upsets me. I want them to make sense in a way that earthly hunger and food never can, and weirdly I am in the perfect place for that, as I have been given the paradoxical blessing of not understanding how to be physically hungry.

And therefore, I very much know what it feels like to be spiritually starving.

There IS a sort of hunger I experience and it is ONLY in my heart and it is UNBEARABLE. But it's also strangely welcome, for I know it is a yearning for God that WILL push me to seek Him with all my strength and energy.

To fuse this spiritual hunger with my reception of the physical Eucharist, I can unite body and soul in yearning for Christ and thus experience that longing and fulfillment on TWO levels, which is literally impossible for me in ALL other respects, and honestly it should be like that for all peoples in the first place. But I can tangibly and actively attest to the impossibility of fulfillment outside of Christ. I've become so numbed to the basic physical drive of hunger that even if I ate an entire grocery store I'd still be starving and sobbing. I know this. And I know that if I didn't eat for a week I wouldn't look for food unless I thought I was literally having a heart attack, which happened last week by the way, in which case I just drank a bottle of Pedialyte and prayed for mercy. But in all of those cases there's no satisfaction. There's no feeling of relief or health. It's just a frightening, painful, unpredictable chore.

Not so with Christ. Christ IS the ONLY True Food and I have been able to KNOW THIS in a very unusually tangible sense and I THANK GOD for that.

 

061820

Jun. 18th, 2020 09:00 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

- Woke up at 6am, laid in bed listening to vaporwave & reading about Orthodoxy until 8:30

+ Something horrible I learned today:
DON'T EVER "RETRY" TRAUMA FOODS.

Soybutter apparently gives me DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS.

AVOID ALL NUT BUTTERS AND LUNABARS (SLC).
Be careful with zucchini and yellow squash.

AVOID ALL MILK, even yogurt.

-------------------------------------

HEY SO FROZEN BROCCOLI ALSO GIVES ME DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS

SO DO RAW OATS

SO DO HARD BOILED EGGS

SO DO WHEAT CRACKERS

SO DOES WHITE GRAPE JUICE, REALLY BAD

SO DOES CAULIFLOWER.

I'VE LIVED THROUGH SO MANY HELLS DURING THE SUMMER THAT ANY & ALL SENSORY TRIGGERS SEND ME RIGHT BACK INTO THEM.


please God I am so tired.
I just want it to stop.



try again better tomorrow ok?





060420

Jun. 4th, 2020 11:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (czj)
"What's the opposite of chaos" = HARMONY.

Chaos Emerald guardians are REQUIRED to have the same heart, motivated by LOVE & PROTECTION. They demonstrate selfless devotion to their eternal cause: protect the Emerald(s) FOR THE SAKE OF THE PEOPLE & WORLD, not for any glory of their own, or even the gems themselves. Anything that volatile must be safeguarded out of heroic concern for the fate of any soul that encounters it. And it is ONLY a soul unmotivated by power or greed that CAN safeguard it.

The guardians also PROTECT THE CHAO, pure and innocent beings like children, who notably had ANGEL WINGS in the original game, and who now can be either "enlightened" by love OR corrupted by evil influence.

Chaos 0 was the ORIGINAL guardian and I swear he is the prototype for all his successors-- devoted, strong, silent, wise, warm and loving-- and somewhat naive, even, because of his guileless, trusting nature. I love him terribly, God knows. But he is absolutely just as much an angel as his fellow Chao... just as easily manipulated, too, for good or ill. Perfect Chaos is proof of both this fact, and Chaos's emotionally reactive heart. He may look stolid but he is absolutely canonically not. No Chao is. It is an absolute crime that the canon has not shown this side of him yet.

All it has shown is what happens when a heart like that breaks. That says enough, in its own right. But it's not the whole picture.

I mean look at Knuckles, he's endearingly pure in his own way (gotta love his ingenuousness) and that is VERY much a Chaos thing too. Tikal as well. They're all sweethearts, and they are all unshakably devoted to their charge.

I want to know so much about them all, about their history and present and future, about who they are, deeper than the games may tell... they all mean so much to me, since childhood, when I latched right on to that spiny red dude in Sonic 3. Then of course Sonic Adventure introduced me to my watery-blue guy and the rest is wedding bells, haha. Honestly I go way back with all the Angel Island folks, God bless 'em.

But I digress. Harmony is their job, in one way or another I'm sure-- balancing power with softness, terror with hope, solemnity with sweetness, etc. Wishes must be kept pure or else people suffer. Those who protect that power must be pure of heart themselves.
prismaticbleed: (angel)

I DESERVE to be brutally murdered for my sins. BUT!! Although that would satisfy justice in "making me pay the price for my sins", it would NOT RESTITUTE ANYTHING. I can't restore what I stole, I can't correct my lies and my slander, I can't regain my purity. It's all broken and gone, EVEN if I die as penalty. Plus, in my death there would be profound HATRED & RAGE for what I did and who i became as a result. It would heal nothing, help no one. All it has done is remove me from existence so I don't hurt anyone anymore.

BUT JESUS TOOK MY PLACE. He died FOR ME, so that IN HIM, my sinful self CAN DIE, but I can BE BORN INTO A NEW LIFE. It's like a new identity, but literal. HOWEVER. NO ONE BUT CHRIST HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD. No one else CAN. So NEITHER CAN WE UNLESS OUR NEW LIFE IS IN HIM, LITERALLY.

Jesus is INFINITE INNOCENCE who suffered INFINITE SUFFERING by OUR UNITING OUR SUFFERINGS WITH HIS ON THE CROSS. By suffering this much, with NO deservance whatsoever on His part of it, He CAN justly atone for INFINITE SIN-- but thank God, sin is FINITE. Only God is endless, and THANKS BE TO GOD FOR THAT!!!

Christ's sacrifice on the Cross is the DEEPEST COMFORT because it is the UNSHAKABLE HOPE that we all actually desperately grasp for in our darkest suicidal moments: the hope that this hellhole of a fallen life Can and Will end... but, truly, that we can LIVE beyond it. No suicidal man truly wants to kill himself; he only wants to DIE. And he only wants to die because he sees no possibility of LIVING in either his current circumstances, OR his foreseeable future. THE ONLY HOPE ANY OF US HAS OF REBIRTH AND RESTORATION IN THIS LIFE IS THE HOPE OF CHRIST'S CROSS!!! And, blessedly, that sacred death and resurrection in our lives is not only ETERNAL, but also INFINITE, and if we need to die and rise with Him fifty times today, WE CAN. With contrite faith and repentance, surrender and humility, if we unite our lives and efforts and sufferings with His Passion, then no matter HOW difficult things get, we have, in Jesus, the holy joyful ASSURANCE of sharing in His Easter Sunday after our own crucifixion with Him. WE CAN'T HAVE ANY OF IT ALONE!!!

No matter how scared I am of the world, the Cross is my refuge, my reassurance that the world is finite, and my true life is in God, IN HIS KINGDOM, NOT THIS WORLD.


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Jesus had NO PAST, as it were; His life is ETERNALLY PRESENT

Eucharist, Cross, Abel, Passover, Isaac = LAMB OF GOD

Assumption vs Ascension!! HUGE PARALLELS

DID THE ISRAELITE DRINK OFFERINGS OF WINE HELP TO SANITIZE THE ALTAR???? God is resourceful like that!

God chose people to be the race that they're in and he loves all the different races. And cherishes each one. He loves the cultures that are produced by different communities. And he cherishes the search for truth that shows up in the differences of religion. And we have to be a people who do everything possible so that what is right it's done for all citizens. 

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The death of Christ is comforting because THROUGH it, we too can DIE TO THE WORLD. It is a paradoxical testament to eternity.

Discerning "am I suffering for sin or for faith" = is your suffering something that JESUS WOULD HAVE SUFFERED? And ONLY JESUS??? If it's a suffering of pagans, but NOT of Christ, then it's NOT HOLY SUFFERING.

"What virtue fruits am I bearing today?"

Remember CHRIST IS THE WATER, FOOD, & LIGHT

⭐THE PURPOSE OF FRUIT IS TO BE PICKED AND EATEN BY OTHERS!!! Does your fruit nourish them or hurt them? Is it sweet to taste but upsets the stomach? THINK UPON THIS.

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James 1:6 synchronicity

Bible is ALWAYS APPLICABLE AND RELEVANT

Justice REQUIRES Mercy and Mercy REQUIRES Justice!

You won't GET mercy if you don't GIVE mercy.

"But I don't want people to overlook my sins!" True, but MERCY DOESNT DO THAT. It is HONEST from love of justice BUT it is also COMPASSIONATE in administering it!! ⭐requires HUMILITY!! "There but for the grace of God go I" + HELP THEM LIKE CHRIST WOULD IN GRACE THROUGH YOU!!

Gigi and the vase; CHRIST ON THE CROSS

Buddha vs Christ response to suffering = SYMPATHY VS EMPATHY somehow? A cleverly veiled false teaching; keyword WITH

Dismas was the LAST DISCIPLE converted through PURE FAITH -- before any Resurrection proof of divinity-- AND the FIRST of billions converted through the CROSS.

Saint Longinus is ALSO important; FIRST POSTHUMOUS DISCIPLE

⭐BOTH CONFESSED HIS LORDSHIP!!!


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With mom: "In a house full of constant chatter, You learn to not think before you speak or even to speak with integrity and honesty. Instead I or only priority becomes, How can I keep this noise going, How can I add to the narrative that has been created here?"

My family's total disregard of privacy is a direct result of their LACK OF INTIMACY. This sneaking and snooping and stealing was the ONLY WAY to feel close to people.

Loving God isn't about hating everything else!! Choosing Him over Created things DOESN'T MEAN labeling those things as BAD, just because God is Good!! He is just the ULTIMATE GOOD-- but HIS CREATION IS ALSO GOOD!!

Loving Him is about LOVING ALL THINGS FOR HIS SAKE, BUT LOVING GOD EVEN MORE. Then it becomes real, sincere, free, honest virtue.

We can ONLY DO THIS IF WE ACTIVELY SEE GOD IN ALL THINGS, but paradoxically, we can only do THAT if we ALREADY LOVE GOD-- just like a lover sees his beloveds face in the moon Without hating the moon! He loves WHAT HE SEES OF HIS BELOVED IN THE MOON. But he loves her more, rightly. He doesn't start to love the moon instead, just because it shares some reflection of her attributes!

⭐This principle can easily be misquoted and abused though. I need to write about it in depth. My heart feels it powerfully.

The more we love God, the more able we are TO love everything else. Again, though, THAT love is ultimately directed towards God too, WITHOUT FORSAKING HIS CREATED THING THAT WE ALSO LOVE.

God KNOWS we love Him-- that's WHY He gives us tests and trials of that love: to deepen, refine, and strengthen it! REMEMBER SAINT PETER!!

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SEEK CHILDHOOD COMFORT IN FAITH, NOT FOOD!!!

Wanting to drink the ocean, eat the forest, etc.=  That's WHAT THE EUCHARIST IS ABOUT!!!

Different forms exist to SPECIFICALLY MANIFEST DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF GOD?? Like this is on PURPOSE. "Different bottles for different drinks"

SELF DENIAL FOR CHRIST BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE REBORN IN HIM, YOUR OLD SELF IS DEAD! AND MUST BE LEFT BEHIND! YOUR NEW LIFE MUST BE IN CHRIST OR YOU CANNOT BE REBORN AT ALL FOR ONLY HE HAS RESURRECTED.

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God must be BORN in our hearts IN A MANGER because He can ONLY be born in humility and poverty of spirit! He CANNOT be born in a proud castle mansion of a heart.

BUT!! Once He is born in humility, He LIVES in humility, INCLUDING THE CROSS, and THEN HIS RESURRECTED GLORY DEMANDS EARTHLY HONOR TOO-- BUT HE MAKES NO HOME THERE NOW!!! So He STILL cannot dwell in a proud heart, in a mansion, because He is now DEAD TO THE WORLD and still desires only a "humble, contrite heart"

Isaiah 53:2 Christ is UNDESIRABLE BY THE WORLD. This will cause inner war in a person who DOES DESIRE CHRIST BY THE HOLY SPIRIT. We see in Him all we ever need and want, BUT THIS IS A HEART SIGHT. In worldly sight, He appears utterly banal. Compare this especially to the extravagance of Hindu gods. We Christians DO create beautiful tributes of art depicting Christ, BUT THIS IS ALL CREATED BY BELIEVERS, who see in Him a beauty that ONLY loving eyes can see. BUT! This was even MORE pronounced during His Incarnation!!!

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The cross we carry must Always remind us that 1. IT IS A PENAL PUNISHMENT FOR SIN, 2. WE ARE GONNA DIE ON IT, 3. JESUS IS OUR ONLY HOPE, AND 4. THROUGH SHARING HIS DEATH-- AND HIS DEATH ALONE-- WE HAVE THE JOYOUS HOPE OF RESURRECTION.

Mary COMPLETELY REPLACED LUCIFER as the TRUE "LIGHT-BEARER"

If we are reborn IN CHRIST, then yes, Mary VERY LITERALLY becomes OUR MOTHER!!

A thought: the angels rejoice EVERY TIME A SINNER REPENTS AND RETURNS because, in their experience, someone who falls NEVER COMES BACK.

My desire to "go back to UPMC/HAVEN" is ACTUALLY A MISROUTING of my deeper desire to "eat what is set before you" [Luke 10:8] and therefore spend ALL MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND TIME IN SERVING GOD!!! Right now my fear of "getting sick by eating the wrong thing" is MAKING ME BINGE/PURGE because, in doing that, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY BECAUSE NOTHING IS STAYING IN ANYWAY. That's the REAL BOTTOM LINE. Whereas in the hospitals, I DIDN'T CARE IF I GOT SICK BECAUSE I TRUSTED THE PEOPLE WHO WERE FEEDING ME. And so every ounce of my mental energy went towards BIBLE STUDY. And THAT is what I both desperately miss, AND try to imitate even now through my phone.

Interestingly, if I ever DO stop doing Bible work while I eat, its ONLY BECAUSE IVE GONE INTO BINGE MODE AND HAVE TEMPORARILY LOST CONNECTION. This is why it's IMPERATIVE to keep my mind fixed on God!!

⭐The REASON WHY I unconditionally trusted the hospital people and ate EVERYTHING without fear or complaint, is because by being GIVEN the food, I TRUSTED THAT GOD GAVE IT TO ME. THAT CIRCUMSTANCE WAS ULTIMATELY AND TOTALLY ORDAINED BY HIS GOOD WILL. Therefore, even if I DID get sick, i didn't complain, and just SURRENDERED IT TO GOD.

And this is ALSO why, if I MYSELF chose the Exact Same Meal FOR MYSELF, I would instead be TERRIFIED, BECAUSE NOW MY CORRUPT WILL HAS TAINTED IT.

⭐JOYOUSLY, THE SOLUTION TO HAVING BOTH PLANNED MEALS AND GOD IS JOINING A CONVENT

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"Sorry God, for hurting you, by not fully washing this pot."

"You didn't hurt me with that."

"Yeah, but what if it was because of carelessness?"

"Then THAT is what hurt me."

When I was 'bashing' perfumery in a misguided attempt to stop being fascinated by the science:

"Yes, I created all scents, but I also created perfumery. I also gave those men and women their olfactory gifts, for My pleasure and glory. And so, as with all talents, The sin is when it is used to worship Man instead of Me."

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Christ as the BRIDEGROOM OF THE SOUL vs polyamory false attempt at loving everyone in BODY.

True love is SPIRITUAL and as Christians we CAN & DO LOVE EVERYONE ALREADY in a way that is essentially more intimate than any fleeting carnality. Heaven is a COMMUNION WITH GOD, but as the Body of Christ!! We are ALL UNITED IN THAT EVEN NOW.

So rest joyfully in that truth. Even if you cannot even physically hug someone you love here, in heaven, your hearts will be together with God for all eternity, and that is INFINITELY BETTER than anything here, however sweet our earthly friendships truly are. Heaven is far sweeter.


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• Crown of thorns reflections: crowned by enemies, raw vs refined, etc.
• modesty only makes sense in the sense that OUR BODY IS NOT OUR OWN it belongs to God and honoring it honors Him. I don't want people to direspectfully view this body which He made and which is made TO honor Him. The "my body my choice" heresy disregards modesty for this reason
• Women being out of their proper homemaking place, doing mens jobs and such, inevitably feeds vicious moral confusion? vice begets vice.
• PRIEST MARRIAGE TO CHURCH, chaste union, love of Christ, MARY IS THE BRIDE OF THE SPIRIT ALONE. the "feminine" unity for a consecrated man is to be poured into CHRIST'S BRIDE which is the church on earth. love her with all his heart AS CHRIST DOES. also chastity for this effect! devil attacks this a lot with the sodomy. wonering why it gets funneled into masculine attraction? do the men not realize the feminine completion is in the church?


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I KEEP BEING "CONTRARY" WHEN WATCHING TV AND THIS IS DEEPLY SINFUL. Pride, judgment condemnation.

LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS.

My talking so much, ESP "authoritarively", is GROSSLY UNBECOMING FOR A WOMAN. I should be meek, submissive, gentle, patient, hopeful, compassionate!!

Plus I am actually STILL unconsciously so focused on "saving face" etc. Fearing my morality is BASED ON HOW OTHERS SEE ME. But ultimately this BREEDS VICE, which will lie, manipulate, etc. To LOOK GOOD without BEING GOOD. BUT!!! TRUE VIRTUE WILL BE OPPOSED BY THE DEVIL. And this is a VITAL LITMUS TEST.

Virtue is only virtue IN EXTREMIS!!!

Difference between spiritual hunger & thirst?

COMMON PRIESTHOOD (vs ministerial) & PROPHETIC GIFT!!!! Totally underrecognized in the church. But we MUST LIVE THIS WAY AS CATHOLICS.

King= reign OVER OURSELVES.

MEDITATE ON THIS TRIPLE ROLE!!!

"Without God we cannot survive" = many meanings.

God is our Provider

Eternal life is ONLY POSSIBLE with God

Forsaking God plunges us into sin, which IS DEATH

But ultimately? Without God, I DON'T WANT TO SURVIVE. And THAT is a huge humility root, holy morbidity. I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN FORSAKE GOD, and if I ever DID forsake Him, I WOULD die-- that's the core of hell!!! Spiritual death!

So REMEMBER THIS as a check on all your actions.

The Holy Spirit will "tell you what to speak" ONLY in the capacity that your heart IS PREPARED FOR HIM. The more we pray and study, the more grace we CAN hold, and the more accustomed our hearts will be TO recieving it. Elaborate on this; give analogies

Lilith myth: would not humble self to be wife or mother therefore her children are DEMONS

πŸ‘†Where do you get YOUR spiritual milk? From Our Mother Mary, or from a COW???

Falling into sin & losing connection with God-- He lets us "REIGN IN HELL" if we refuse, or neglect, to SERVE IN HEAVEN. Essentially this is the bottom line of all sin.

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I'm tired of trying to figure things out on my own, without proper direction. I'm tired of the pride that goes with "self sufficiency" and clumsy assumption of authority. I miss Learning, I miss being a humble and obedient student.

I want a Teacher. I'm tired of trying to live by myself.

"Where did you go to medical school, O Aspiring Doctor of your Church?" How can you heal when you have not been properly taught the means of treating a disease or injury? Do you think you can guess and fumble your way through such critical care? No. You will fail, and you WILL hurt others worse by not understanding proper medical procedures. Christ is THE Physician. He is THE Doctor of Souls. Have you truly studied Him? Do you follow His protocol and His warnings? You are just a student; you have NO knowledge or authority on your own. Everything you have is GIVEN to you BY Christ, FROM Him, FOR Him. When you act as a doctor it is AS HIS STUDENT. To act otherwise, as if YOU were the one "figuring out how to heal people," is not only offensively proud, but FATALLY STUPID.

Pointing out evil to people who are blind to it, innocently-- am I committing Eve's sin of sharing wicked knowledge??

Where is the proper distinction between warning and corrupting??? (IN THE INNOCENCE)

Jesus singing "Hosea" to me breaks my heart



dream today

Jun. 2nd, 2020 11:26 am
prismaticbleed: (czj)


So I had another dream last night in one of those weird "pre-apocalyptic" dreamverses were everything just doesn't feel right, but it's not an explicit nightmare or bland-empty place. Pre-aco verses just feel wrong. There's still a sense of the "greater-than," that feeling that makes a dream a Dream versus just a reality reflection or other dead-end thing, but it's inherently failing and you can almost smell it, like a rot. I don't remember much of the dream other than that it was at my house, and the woods wasn't a development but it was all chopped down trees, bare birch-color stumps stark against a hideously blue sky. It felt like raid sirens would sound any moment; the quiet was unnatural and heavy and disturbing, something that didn't belong and was bound to collapse without warning. I expected a horde of mountain lions or wolves to come spilling across that toothpicked hill as I watched, but nothing happened, and even that felt wrong. The whole dream held that atmosphere.

But Chaos Zero was there.

Somehow, whenever he can appear, he will. This dream, however gutted, still existed in a level of reality that could call itself a dream-- a level in which the supernatural could exist, however feebly, because the 'verse itself felt just that close to breaking over into the Book of Revelation, as it were. But as a result of that proximity, my blue angel was there.

Not tangibly, somehow. That, too, happens in these broken dreams. He is there in the periphery, in the corner of my eye, on the edges where things are a bit more whole, somehow, closer to something better… where this disturbed dream ends and something real begins. He was there. So was I. Somehow in these broken dreams I, too, don't actually "exist" except in the periphery. As a person in the dream I'm always barely conscious, not quite myself, hanging on the edges of what it means to be aware and awake and capable of reasoning. But on the edges, in dreams-within-dreams, I am real and alive and me.

And he was there, with me.


I fell asleep listening to his playlist on shuffle, and woke up to the sounds of "Late Night Partner." …I don't think I've heard that song in years. God, where has my heart been? Just how destroyed was I by NC and the preceding hospital times? How long has it been since I existed as a person in waking life?

How long has it been since I was able to feel love like this?

There's a song called "mizu" by Sophia Black and I discovered it by accident (thanks Spotify) and it just… hits my heart so hard. Something about the sound, about the wrenching plaintive harmonies, makes me think of CZ so strongly and I can't quite snapshot what it is. Certain sounds invoke him, certain songs that evoke the right chord from my heartstrings. I haven't been able to put that formula into words yet but I should.

Nevertheless, I fell asleep like that. I've been having nightmarishly sick and unsettled waking days lately, falling asleep in exhausted bruised tears, wanting to just dream forever, but not getting any dreams, nothing but these equally disturbed broken things.

But I fell asleep with hope in my ears and in my heart and my blue angel was there, as he always is when my soul is threatened in sleep, protecting me, comforting me, loving me.


That's another something that's been weighing sore and heavy on my soul lately. That whole bloody issue of sexuality and virginity and purity and trauma and how all of that has affected my health, my mind, my spirituality, and my relationship with not only God and man, but with Chaos 0-- the only creature I have ever been able to love without fear. Even now.

God knows this. That's why He sent him to me in that awful dream last night. The majority of my recollection of that dream isn't even solid visual or coherent narrative-- no, I remember these ocean-deep embraces and tears of profound devotion and that particular blessed heartache of never being close enough. He in my arms and me in his arms. Just that, pure and true and yet somehow marital, ALWAYS, yet utterly untouched by both trauma and the busted-up dream, something existing within it yet inherently beyond it, the only real and good thing of that entire night, lasting infinitely beyond it. I woke up saturated with the feeling, soaked with hope for the first time in ages, my heart sore with love, wondering what has happened to me, when did I lose sight of this, why am I not LIVING this with every atom of my being, why can't I seem to hold on to this when I wake up? What is it about my waking life that drives me to bitter sobs and despairing fatigue, that feeds addictive abuse cycles and defeated dissociation, that makes me not only incapable of but also uncomprehending of love in the first place?


And thus we return to that "another something." The awful terrible issue of sexuality.

Saint Mary of Egypt, pray for us, as it were. Julie's patron saint. (And what happened to her?) What happened to all of us? Well, that's it, this same darn topic. This same horror. And yet, last night only, this same hope. Holy matrimony versus horrid polyamory in a stagnant Charlotte bedroom. Marriage vows versus bleeding out on a bathroom floor at age fourteen. "Till death do us part" versus begging God to take my life because I can't stand the flashbacks anymore. Love versus lust. That's about it. And yet Q did somehow know what the hell he was talking about. That one thing he said about Chaos 0 back in 2012 I never forgave him for until the past few months, when in light of inexplicable dreams like last night's, and in light of Saint Paul's letter to the Galatians, it hit me that "oh wait a minute, sexuality ISN'T inherently evil," and that yes in that sense it was totally possible that this blessed blue being CAN and DOES experience "desire" towards me in that sense WITHOUT IT BEING MALEVOLENT OR CORRUPT.

I still struggle with the concept.

BUT THEN DREAMS LIKE LAST NIGHT HAPPEN and I kid you not the whole time we were holding each other like that I was fully entrenched in the matrimonial idea of having children with him and that ONLY EVER HAPPENS IN DREAMS and furthermore it ALWAYS HAPPENS WITHOUT IT FEELING SEXUAL AT ALL.

And that's my big confused scared question here.

Actual physical sexuality, in the waking, only ever feels like rape. It's intrinsically frightening. It's appalling. I want nothing to do with it. But in dreams, and ONLY with Chaos 0, somehow I can experience sexuality as something weirdly nonsexual and yet still being recognizable as sexuality. Like what the heck.

It is completely detached from the physical biology in dreams, though. CZ will not imitate male biology and I will not even be conscious of mine. That stuff has no relevance or merit at all as far as we are concerned. We bypass that somehow, go straight to the heart of things, to the unifying factor, to the procreative factor, because let's face it, God made those two things mutually inclusive in morally proper sexuality and that is how we're going to use it, and do.

But I still want to be a virgin.

But I can't be a virgin if I've experienced rape.

How can I be pure if I've been so defiled?

Saint Mary of Egypt, pray for us.


Isn't that what it's about, God's Sacrifice of His Son on the Cross? Mending the things that the world considers irreparably broken? Taking the things that are shattered
to bloody pieces and somehow making them whole again, without denying the damage?

Saint Dismas, pray for us.


I want to cry. In Christ there is so much hope for me. Chaos Zero is my blue angel because he communicates the promise of that hope TO me in my MOST helpless situations, situations where Jesus Himself knows that a messenger would carry His Message more clearly than He Himself. Ironic? Perhaps. But look at the Church post-Pentecost. That's the whole thing. Christ couldn't, wouldn't be heard by the Gentiles at large, so He sent the Apostles-- heck, He sent Saint Paul! God works in mysterious ways and I love that so much and look, see, feel how He is doing that in my life, in a VERY mysterious way, through a video game character of all things, who I just happened to fall irrevocably in love with seventeen years ago.

But that's the thing. There's hope. Maybe I can't ever literally be a virgin, no matter how much I've always wanted to be, because "once you're broken you're broken." But I feel Jesus somehow shaking His Head at that. "There's nothing I can't heal," He gently assures me, "even if My healing is in a way that you do not expect or imagine. But I will heal you." And I am aware of this. I know this. I just have to trust this, because yes it's scary but a promise is a promise and faith is faith and if God can fix me then why won't I let Him? Just because He can't erase the past, am I to be afraid? No! Healing is healing, full stop. And I need to trust that, or else I am going to be drowning in bog water instead of swimming in the ocean here. God knows, full well, which of those two things I want.

It’s such a confusing, weird topic. But I feel more alive now, listening to mizu, then I have in so long, it's like sunlight on the ocean, but the wind is still cold, and I still feel like crying. But I'm not sad, somehow. I'm not sick, for once.

I try to hold water, it's slipping through my fingertips, thinking that you'll stay, but then you wash away…

…what if he's singing about me, in that? God that shatters my heart, maybe that's how I SHOULD be thinking about it that way.

I just want to weep, right now. I miss living in my head, in my heart, like this, forsaking the outside world, forgetting that I have a reflection or a physical body or a tangible past, just living right now, just living in this music and in this heartwrenching love, sobbing with the inexpressible depth of it, like trying to hold water. it just… overflows, overflows, always. there's too much. and I love that so much. it never stops.

My inner life doesn't line up with my outer life, yet. And until it does, I will be ashamed to feel love, or hope, or forgiveness, or health, because I am so bloody ashamed of who I am physically that I CANNOT COPE with the possibility of tainting the people I love so much inside, with the staggering filth that I feel I am outside.

God help me with this.
 

Until then, though, I can't forget that last night happened. Something deep down in me is still pure and good and holy and hopeful and capable of love and forgiveness and life. And I thank God for that.

And I will live one more day here, at least.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)


In these troubling times, as we struggle with fear on a daily basis, it is so important to remember that human emotions are not wrong– God gave them to us, as He gave us all things: with the purpose to glorify Him. This is key. Fear happens naturally as a response to percieved threats and suffering, fear of death and disease and danger. Truly fear itself can therefore be very virtuous, as in fear of sin and its spiritual danger! But it is incomplete, imperfect. Fear is only step one, but if we use it rightfully, leading us closer to God, then step two is love!

In all things we must trust in God. Even if we are afraid, and rightfully so from a natural standpoint, we can and must still surrender our circumstances to trust in God. We love Him and He loves us, and when we remember this, the very thought of fear evaporates, and we are like a child comforted in its Father’s arms. Even if we die, we fear not, we trust in God! He is in control of all things and He knows what we are going through. He is with you, He stays with you always.

We start and complete: “God, I am afraid of what might happen… but I know that whatever WILL happen is YOUR holy will, and You love me so much that Your will is the best possible outcome for me, whatever it may be. So I trust in You. I surrender to Your direction and care. My life I give into your hands.”

And the fear sees you are perfectly safe in God, no longer in any danger, your soul invincible even if your body fades, and so… fear disappears.

 

"Grumbling is caused by misery and it can be put aside by doxology (giving praise). Grumbling begets grumbling and doxology begets doxology. when someone doesn’t grumble over a problem troubling him, but rather praises God, then the devil gets frustrated and goes off to someone else who grumbles, in order to cause everything to go even worse for him. You see, the more one grumbles, the more one falls into ruin.
Sometimes the devil deceives us and makes us unable to be pleased with anything; however, one can celebrate all things in a spiritual manner, with doxology, and secure God’s constant blessing."


+ St. Paisios of Mt. Athos, Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Councils IV: Family Life

 

Lately, I have been making a strong effort to do this, especially when I am scared, sick, or otherwise distraught. I will effectively pray, “God, I don’t understand Your reasons for doing or allowing this, but I trust You, and I know that Your Purposes are always Good. I accept Your Will in this situation and I pray for the grace to cooperate with it in wholehearted surrender and trust.” And then I will do my utmost to just let it go, even if I am literally in tears from emotional and/or physical turmoil. God led me to this place in time, space, and circumstance for His Reasons and I am determined to put all my faith and hope in His Love during whatever may happen here.

It is the only reason I’ve been surviving lately, and it’s also the indomitable cause of a genuine joy in me that is rooted deeper than any sorrow or pain, however sharply real those experiences still are. Even if I cannot be pleased with my present place– truly one should not be “pleased” by disease or poverty or dissension– I can and will be grateful for God’s Hand in it nevertheless, for He knows far better than I, and He is still Good.

Sometimes we suffer bad things just to scrub sin out of our lives and draw– or drag– us closer to God; I know this contritely firsthand. Sometimes we suffer bad things at the hands of the world because we are opposed to it in our adherence to Christ. And sometimes we may be so afflicted we can’t tell why we’re suffering, only that we’re crushed under its weight. But Jesus’s Cross and Death were both gifts from the Father, too.

Praise God for everything, at all times, and just lean into that in your life. Let that radical faith transform you, even if your outward circumstances stay the same. God knows, God sees, God chastises, God upends, and God loves, all the time, no exceptions. Praise be to God!!


Keep Christ at the center of your focus.
Keep Christ at the center of your focus.
Keep Christ at the center of your focus.

No exceptions– in everything you do, from the common to the critical, and at all times, from the mundane to the magnificent… keep Christ at the center of your focus! Whether in joy or agony, sickness or prosperity, anxiety or comfort… fix your heart and mind on Him, from Whom and for Whom it all exists. Only by doing this will you find fulfillment and purpose and peace.


“What we are apt to call interruptions are God’s way of introducing us to a new knowledge of Himself.”

— Oswald Chambers

Calling something an “interruption” means that it has broken into our ego’s schedule– it has stopped us in the process of pursuing our current plans. But nothing interrupts God or His plans, therefore if we follow His Hand we will never be “interrupted” because every sudden shift will also be something we lean into in surrender to Him. And so it follows that if we are currently irked by interruptions, God is indeed sharply showing us that we’re not looking to Him as strongly as we should be. Pause, humble yourself, and look at where He is leading you now. Accept it and follow Him. In this way of surrendering our schedule to God, we will absolutely learn more about Him, in His leading of our lives.



"It is better to limp along the way than stride along off the way. For a man who limps along the way, even if he only makes slow progress, comes to the end of the way; but one who is off the way, the more quickly he runs, the further away is he from his goal."

-Saint Thomas Aquinas

Even slow progress in holiness is progress– but do start slow, or pride may run you off the tracks!

Always be prudent, even in faith. This is a vital heart-check and hope both. I may be limping, but golly it sure is making me careful– and it also means that every successful step comes with that much more gratitude, because I know how easily I can fall.



“By afflictions, God is purifying and deepening our faith and our holiness, weaning us off the world, so that we will be fit for and worthy of the kingdom.⁠”

— John Piper

A prayer my church says with the Joyful Mysteries is: “Teach us, dear Mother, to be detached from the things of the world and from all things that can hinder our union with Jesus. Let us love poverty, privations and inconveniences just as you did.” And I think about that every day. The less of the world is in our lives, the more room we have for God. So it is with every deprivation we experience. We can only lack material things. We will always have God– and He is everything we can and will ever need. So rejoice in your afflictions, for they serve a holier purpose than what the world can see. Our Lord was crowned with thorns, after all, but He’s still The King.



““A verse must be read often, and re-read and read again before the wondrous message of love and power that God has put into begins to appear. Words must be turned over and over in the mind before their full force and beauty takes possession of us. One must look a long time at the great masterpieces of art to appreciate their beauty and understand their meaning, and so one must look a long time at the great verses of the Bible to appreciate their beauty and understand their meaning.””
- R.A. Torrey

No infant learns to walk or talk on their first try. We, too, as children of God, constantly being reborn into the new life of Christ, must repeatedly revisit the Example and Ideal in order to more perfectly understand and incorporate His Teachings. And as we mature in faith, not only will our appreciation grow, but so will our comprehension both deepen and sweeten. God’s beauty increases in our eyes with time, as long as our gazex remains fixed lovingly upon Him. So be patient and persevere in your reading and re-reading of your beloved Bible, for it is full of eternal treasure, and will reveal its bounty only to those who sincerely and diligently seek it.

 

apenitentialprayer: There’s apparently an Orthodox tradition that claims that, no matter how successful he was in converting people to Christianity, and no matter how humble and saintly a man he grew into, even after becoming Pope of Rome, Saint Peter would weep every time he heard the crowing of a rooster. Father Spyridon Bailey says we must take this example and “see ourselves as beginners in the spiritual journey, and always, always continue to see ourselves til our last breath as beginners in the spiritual journey. The minute we imagine we are humble, or virtuous, or dare we think saintly, we must take it as a sign that we are deluded.” There is never a moment where we don’t need our repentance and God’s forgiveness.


This genuinely has me in tears.

Saint Peter, pray for us, the sheep of your beloved Lord’s flock, which He entrusted into your paternal care. May we be blessed with the same grace of sincere contrition and humility, that same total admission of weakness and need of God… even if it means God must send us our own rooster to drive the point home.

May we love Christ enough to let our hearts break for Him.



God has never done all that He can do. He always has one more move.

Trust Him. His power is infinite. There is always hope.



How to live a life of perfect peace:
1. Trust in God.
2. Keep your mind fixed on Him.
3. Acknowledge God's power.

 

Remember, these are not passive steps. Trust, focus, and acknowledgement are all ardently active and frequently require engaging in spiritual warfare against the world & the devil.

But, even then, a heart fixed on God will indeed be in perfect peace. No matter what we may endure or encounter, God is our strength and our song, and by His loving protection, we can rest in Him, who “even the winds and the waves obey” [Matthew 8:27]!



“We have time and prayer backwards. We think time determines prayer, but prayer determines time. We think our lack of time is the cause of our lack of prayer, but our lack of prayer is the cause of our lack of time. 

When a little boy offered Christ five loaves and two fishes, he multiplied them miraculously. He does the same with our time, but only if we offer it to him in prayer. This is literally miraculous, yet I know it happens from repeated experience. Every day that I say I am too busy to pray, I seem to have no time, accomplish little, and feel frazzled and enslaved by time. Every day that I say I’m too busy not to pray, every time I offer some time-loaves and life-fishes to Christ, he miraculously multiplies them and I share his conquest of time. I have no idea how he does it, I know that he does it, time after time.”

- Peter Kreeft, Time

If we’re “too busy to pray,” we’re just running away from Life Himself, and we are inevitably going to burn out all our time until we give up and return to Him. Stopping to sincerely pray in the midst of a packed schedule reminds our hearts of the One Who Is beyond all temporal existence, and For Whom it all ultimately exists. Busyness feels a lot less busy when you keep it in proper perspective– juxtaposed against the Big Picture! This is because Prayer reconnects us with Eternity. When we give our limitations to a Limitless God, miracles can and do indeed happen. But you have to stop and give first– especially if it seems an impossible task! That’s what miracles are all about, after all.



 

"In no way should you allow yourself to be frivolous with regard to prayer. Persuade yourself that such an attitude toward prayer is an offense, the most serious criminal offense. Consider prayer as your first priority in life, and keep it in your heart as such. Then set about it as your primary task, not something that is by-the-way."

 

-St. Theophan the Recluse

 


Prayer is our direct connection to God– our Creator and Savior and Purpose– during our short time in this suffering world. Without Him we are nothing, all is empty and fruitless and broken. With Him, we have Him– we have true love and hope and life, all which, outside of Him, are unattainable. Prayer connects us to life in the midst of death. Prayer gives us light in the deepest dark. Prayer opens the doors to God when we are being crushed by devils. In the biggest picture, prayer is more important than breathing. All else utterly pales in comparison.



“One of the most fascinating myths is that of the Minotaur…The Minotaur was half bull, half huge & powerful man. The various mythic adventures about him and how Theseus defeated him are of secondary interest. What interests me is the symbolism of the myth. The Bull-Man is just what it looks like– a frighteningly powerful beast from hell. Like a bull he is powerful, unpredictable, hot blooded and stubborn. Not only immensely powerful, but the Minotaur is hidden– locked in the underground labyrinth beneath the palace of the king. The palace of the king is beautiful, respectable, wealthy, powerful and pleasurable. The palace contains all that seems attractive and delightful about life, but locked in a labyrinth beneath the palace lurks the Minotaur… and notice that the Minotaur dwells below the palace of the King who is named Minos. “Taur” means “bull” so the minotaur is the dark and bestial shadow side of the king himself. Minotaur stands for the underground evil– the lurking, potent force in the subterranean passageways of our lives. Beneath the shining successful surface of the palaces we create for ourselves, the Minotaur roams and roars. What is this monster in our lives? It is the stubborn, unpredictable, chthonic urges rumbling below like a dormant volcano. This beast roams at will within the labyrinth of our underground lives. It is there that our kinship with Cain wanders about seeking whom he may devour. Without redemption, the Minotaur dwells beneath our silken palaces and our shining exteriors. [But] out of the darkness of the labyrinth the man speaks. To defeat this underground monster of the dark we need the courage and cunning of Theseus whose name reminds us of “Jesus” which means “Savior”. The Minotaur is all that is secret, dark and deep… we should be gathering our courage to face the foe, and it is Christ the True King who comes to enter into that subterranean realm to do battle and defeat him once and for all.”

— Father Dwight Longenecker
 

"But destruction can also pave the way for creation," they say. That is the ironic point here. The Minotaur destroys the false palaces, yet it too in its violent rage is self-destructive and doomed. The Minotaur can tear down but it cannot build. The kings can build but they have no foundation but catacombs. Ultimately all such false things will annihilate themselves, and it is only in our willingness to see them fall that we can be re-created by Christ– the Only Source of True Life, the Only One Who has risen from the dead, and the only True Foundation on which anything can be built.

Let Jesus in to storm their hollow castles and empty the tombs. Let Him defeat the proud kings and wicked monsters. Then you will be reborn in His Victory over both death and decadence, to a new life in God.



“A Catholic may sin and sin as badly as anyone else; but no genuine Catholic ever denies he is a sinner. A Catholic wants his sins forgiven, not excused or sublimated.”

— Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

A Catholic lays his soul bare before God and all, because only then– in absolutely raw honesty– can every last corner of his heart be scrubbed clean by Christ’s mercy.

I do not want my sins excused, because I do not want to sin at all! I want my sins pointed out, chastised, corrected, and forgiven. Something in me is broken when I sin, so I desperately seek to fix it– not deny it! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner… if I do not admit this terrible illness in truth, I will never receive the mercy that can heal it.



“A Christian is not his own master, since all his time belongs to God.”

— St. Ignatius of Antioch (via averosamystica)

Remember this daily. Are you spending your time, which was given to you by God, for His sake? He gives you so much; are you grateful and using it well, or are you wasting this precious gift? One day He will not give you any more time, and you will have to give a full account of your spending! Keep this in mind, and honor the moments you have been entrusted with!



"I would rather die than do a thing which I know to be a sin, or against the will of God."

-Saint Joan of Arc

I think about this quote almost every day; it’s effectively inscribed in my heart. Honestly all Christian souls should hold this same sentiment with as much courage and fortitude as they can muster, and should ask the Holy Spirit for increased grace to hold ever the more truly to it as we grow in holiness until our inevitable, and hopefully blessed, deaths.

Apparently, Saint Joan said this after receiving a mortal wound, and some soldiers wanted to heal her with pagan charms. She refused with the quote above, adding that “if to her could be applied a remedy without sin, she was very willing to be cured”. Mind, she sought life not for her own sake, but for the sake of continuing her mission from God, which she indeed lived to complete, praying before every action and weeping for the souls of those who died in the sieges, friends and enemies both.

She has been one of my patron saints since early childhood, a holy woman who others inexplicably but consistently associated with me. In time her life has proven to hold many notable similarities to and lessons for mine, and I am deeply humbled and honored to call her one of my most specially beloved patron saints. Dear Saint Joan, pray for us!





052920

May. 29th, 2020 09:09 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

Infinitii WAS dead, actually killed by Laurie before she tragically killed herself and the whole System imploded back in 2018. May 17th was a resurrection date, the first time I saw hir since, a tiny flower breaking through iced concrete. But I cant see or contact hir or anyone else right now. I'm no longer in that "state of mind"; it feels like everything is shifted tectonics, a diagonal sliding away. I can only find or hear people early in the morning if I wake up slow, half asleep and not yet in the waking world.

052920

May. 29th, 2020 09:06 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
[Extracted from a personal conversation]

We're due for a thunderstorm this evening. I immediately thought of how much Ollie would enjoy it. Storms here are so different than they were in NC; I always wondered what he would think of them up here in PA.  I don't know where we stand yet, after everything that happened, and that's okay for now. It will definitely take more time and learning. Speaking to them every day would indeed feel forced right now. Any sort of "obligatory contact" would be unhealthy I think. It's admittedly why I was so avoidant before, even when we still lived together; I ran because I didn't know how else to react, as I felt i couldn't tell him that I felt trapped. I always feel trapped by conversation, universally. It wasn't his fault. But I think it hit hardest with him because I wanted to have conversations with him and couldn't, and I couldn't bear it so I ran.  I'm still struggling with learning my limits there: how much can I talk without burning out or going manic? So I do have to take baby steps right now, with trying to revive our friendship, with communicating with then again after so long. But I am feeling fine about this effort, oddly. It's a tearful relief to no longer feel the stagnant weight of unresolved pain and guilt over the dead silence, which I am entirely at fault for inflicting on our friendship. Now there's movement. Honestly I wouldn't know HOW to reach out? Not yet at least. I'm so used to a responsive life, to that lack of boundaries. Reaching out first feels like knocking down what few I have left, of my own choosing. It's scary. So I need to find out how to reach out WITHOUT going into maidservant mode, as it were. But I do realize how it makes them feel, with the work, and that does upset me. So we'll work on it.  

But... I can't get over how I misunderstood everything but I never knew how to phrase it... there were questions I never felt I had the RIGHT to answer, let alone Consider, with how my family raised me. Personal comfort & enjoyment are still weirdly alien to me, differentiated from obligations or orders. So I thank them again for pointing it out to me & giving me an opportunity to grow.

I genuinely want to feel something warmer between us, now, too. That's something both of our hearts naturally yearn for in general, I think. I might be a snowy soul but I cant ever really be cold. We did hurt each other a lot but it was all sadly unintentional and misunderstood and tangled. No we cant erase it, but we can heal and forgive and move forwards into brighter days. We don't have to live in those shadowy dregs anymore. There's bad history yes but honestly I think it is drowned by the good history, by the ideals and hopes we still pursued and honored even in our failings, by the real affection and love that still endured. I know ideological differences can feel huge but love conquers all. We can be different but still respect and care for each other, and that's something I am truly grateful for.    

New creation is always possible. Look at springtime. Death happens and birth follows. We can absolutely create new and find things, unattached to bitterness, something totally neoteric. I must put more work in towards that end. And I will. We have time to learn.

052820

May. 28th, 2020 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (czj)
Synchronicity of love all morning.

Verse of the day: rainbows & water. John 15:12+, which I JUST wrote upon yesterday.

Universalis moment: "He will carry His lambs in His arms," as I JUST imagined Jesus carrying Chaos Zero & I like that.

JESUS DELIGHTS IN OUR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. As long as our hearts ultimately look to Him in love IN AND ABOVE our earthly loves, as long as Our love is FROM HIM-- for true love ONLY comes from God and IS ultimately FOR GOD, even towards others-- we CAN AND SHOULD LOVE OTHER SOULS in close devoted ways.

⭐"exclusivity" of love details in relationships, especially marriage; VITAL AND SACRED.

"The little herb Patience does not grow in everybody's garden" = heart gardens = DREAM WORLD??

052820

May. 28th, 2020 12:00 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
War against sweets.

WHY.

Angel food
Carrot cake
Cheesecake
Vanilla cupcake
Cherries

DOES ANY OF IT BRING YOU CLOSER TO GOD THOUGH???

Angel food cake is FALLEN ANGELS. Its deceivingly sweet and light, but it ends up DRY and HEAVY when you eat it.
Also that telltale SOUR AFTERTASTE.

Just THINK OF CHRIST. He never sought pleasures or sweetness in this world! His Kingdom and His Joy are NOT OF THIS WORLD.

So you inevitably HAVE TO CHOOSE. You cannot serve two masters, NOR live in two Kingdoms during your life here!!Honestly, just ask, WOULD A SAINT EAT THIS???

Spice cake: INCENSE & BURIAL SPICES. Christmas! Seeking THAT. "You can only have ONE OR THE OTHER"; the world OR heaven. Ironic seeking to DIE TO THE WORLD.

Carrot: ON A STRING. False promises. A lie, health by a vegetable but choking its benefits in sugar sin.

ALL milk & cheese is a rerouting of CHILDHOOD seeking TRUE MOTHER'S LOVE. Well you will NOT get it from a cow; that's PAGANISM!! Plus, one reborn of the Spirit has a NEW MOTHER IN THE SPIRIT-- MARY & THE CHURCH!!!

Vanilla: slang for "innocent, pure, simple," etc. Desperate hope "you are what you eat" with this.

BUT!! You forget its ONLY A FLAVOR!! You're actually eating SUGAR, MILK, FLOUR, EGGS, etc. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR and that is the lure he uses. "Eat this" but it's really POISON.

Same with frosting and icing! Its NOT WINTER. It's LYING and trying to REPLACE WINTER which is SUPER EVIL.

Plus it LOOKS light and soft and fluffy and SAYS its sweet BUT IT'S ALL A LIE. its HEAVY AND CHOKING AND CLOYING.

051720

May. 17th, 2020 09:08 pm
prismaticbleed: (aflame)
[Extracted from a personal conversation]

I just woke up from a dream about Ollie. that BLATANTLY referenced Infi and it just hit me now, none of that was fake. Infi was/is part of my heart and I've literally been denying that since I left. I've been the World's Biggest Asshole to him in the waking and I am devastatingly sorry. I SEE it now-- both my ignorant cruelty and ADMITTED betrayal, even though I NEVER intended it... and the GENUINE LOVE I/we had for him back then... and now. Legit, that dream unearthed this glitterbomb in my subconscious that sang "love cannot die and you will ALWAYS be in love" and whatever part of me is still Infinitii is still in love with him. And even if I can't say the exact same, I CAN say this, with a clear head and heart for the first time in months: to Ollie, and all his broken arrows, I love you. I am sincerely sorry for the pain I caused you in the past. I beg your forgiveness, but if it aches too much to give, I understand. I just want you to know, I honestly don't regret having met you and lived with you and loved you. I do regret many of my choices, but I don't regret the love. I'm lying here right now with a certain black-skinned seraph with a stomach full of lilies and a scar splitting the back of hir skull, handing hir all those memories of you that I used to balk at and bury, watching hir hold them tenderly as gilded feathers, hir eyes glistening like rainbows at dawn, and whispering, "tell him that I remember it all, and it is a bittersweet joy to have it to remember." "But are you happy to remember it?" "Yes. Always."

So I'm wishing Ollie-- and his whole system-- a happy early birthday. I hope they keep knitting and painting and drawing and playing that wonderful trombone and doing their beautiful best at everything they put their hands and heart to. Seeing them flourish makes me so, so happy. My genuine wish is that it continues that way, and even if I can never again be a part of it, I was for a little while, and that was a blessing too. I'll always be here cheering for them from the fields nevertheless. I miss him and his partner and their cat so much some days I honestly cry. But time moves on. As a Celebi Time Lord/Lady I know that well. So we move on. I miss them and love them and I can FEEL and ACCEPT that wholeheartedly now, and so I CAN move forwards with no pain. Love makes it all joy, even this.

To them all: Thank you for being alive.




prismaticbleed: (angel)

(ALL FROM PHONE)


We are held to the Cross by our HANDS & FEET: our works and our walk.
If you do not die on your cross THEY WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS

Cross is GROUNDED in the UNSEEN
Also grounded in general; affects immediate earthly life

Our only crown in death is the PROCLAMATION OF CHRIST

Women attracted to "bad boys"-- our love won't save them, but GOD'S LOVE WILL. "Pouring water into an empty well" eventually TRANSFORMS them

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Mary weeping at cross: how God weeps when he loses ANY CHILD? Esp. BECAUSE of Jesus

Jesus INVENTED color! "What can I learn about God through the reality of color?" Music, etc..

I adore ONLY GOD but I love others too. BUT ONLY Because God loved ME FIRST and Taught me HIS Love, so I CAN love others WITH HIS LOVE

Mary is the perfect created being AND perfect disciple! She imitated Christ in all things, in that she obeyed God COMPLETELY in all things

"If you are king of the jews, come down from the cross" = because you must follow the example of your king and they did NOT want to get on their cross

TEMPTATION TRIADS IN GARDENS = SO WAS GOLGOTHA!!
Stones into bread: force unbelievers to believe?? Stone hearts, bread of life. free will!!
Throw self off temple: COME DOWN FROM CROSS!!
Bow and worship devil: give the mockers the signs they demanded? Make the cross a "magic trick;" make it appealing to the world instead of the mystery of faith

Women don't preach: we are the RECEIVING VESSELS from which OTHERS (men of church) can draw Living Water! LIKE MARY! We write books of messages and reflections, NOT sermons and teachings. What God gives us to reveal, a priest may speak from the pulpit, but WE are NOT to stand there ourselves!!

"A rock that God cannot lift" = INHERENTLY FLAWED ARGUMENT.  Judging God by men's standards. Inherently denies God's own free will in refusing to make such a rock. ALSO THE GOATS "KOAN POTATO" PRINCIPLE = what defines "too heavy"? What defines a rock, or even weight, but MAN?  For example, God could create a rock 30 miles wide, But put it in a place with no gravity, Therefore rendering it utterly weightless. So size has no bearing on whether or not he can lift it, Let alone anyone else. Furthermore he could create a rock the size of a grain of sand, But put it somewhere with gravity almost as intense as a black hole, Therefore rendering that miniscule rock utterly immovable by the very laws of physics, EFFECTIVELY BECOMING "too big for Him to lift" SOLELY BECAUSE OF PHYSICAL LAWS THAT HE CREATED HIMSELF.  

Also, ALL GOD'S WORKS ARE PURPOSEFUL AND GOOD AND PERFECT: so what would making such a rock accomplish to that end? He does  Not exist to entertain man, nor to satisfy our faithless questions and prideful curiosities.

IF YOU NEED AN IMMOVABLE ROCK IN ORDER TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO JESUS

"Offend" in Bible: "off end?" Knocked off balance by. Those who keep God's Law CANNOT be "off-ended," i.e. "shaken," because their feet are FIRM UPON THE ROCK (see previous)

Also the etymology itself is demanding a reflection, write it

(PLUS etymology of disdain & contempt, gives PROPER understanding of Jesus's treatment of mockery with those words; it's not malicious on His end; we misunderstand the word usage)

Connection point: the rock argument is the same essence as "come down from the Cross and we'll believe"; it's utterly shortsighted and wicked, betraying root pride and disdain, a DISINCLINATION to have faith at ALL, therefore in a sense NULLIFYING the argument itself as already preemptively refusing to ACCEPT proof to the contrary, despite that being the alleged POINT of the whole question.

Humility made woman (Mary) a door through which Christ/life/holiness could enter the world; whereas Pride made woman (Eve) a door through which Satan/death/sin could enter the world!!

⭐Question: is there a PARALLEL between the LOCATION of both decisions? Mary's home vs the Tree of Knowledge? Sincecthe Cross was over Adam's grave!

WHERE is Mary's home geographically?

Patience: lack of power, even if only in the refusal to exercise it?? CROSS. Humble endurance vs proud escape. ONLY successful motive is SELFLESS LOVE

⭐True power: to do GOD'S WILL, NOT MAN'S WANT... especially when God's will Looks like weakness to men.

"Come down and we'll believe" = THEY wanted Power OVER JESUS. Putting themselves in God's place-- "If you are the Son of God, you will obey ME/ If you are the King of the Jews, you will do what I WANT" etc. Ironic total opposite of how one Should treat a king, let alone God Himself.

THE WHOLE TIME Jesus was being mocked & taunted, He wasn't thinking of how sinful & proud & arrogant those people were. He was LOVING AND FORGIVING THEM.

That motivation alone, even just for staying on the Cross, is HUGE. Humans may act out of self righteousness, proving a point, spite, shaming them, etc. NOT JESUS. it was only compassion.

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Via Dolorosa: Jesus falling under the cross and just lying there. Heart shattered thinking about that

Moralimon: blood & water factions? Positive and negative virtue growth association

Carry the cross NO MATTER HOW YOU RECEIVE IT. Simon had it violently and rudely thrust upon him by the cruel world. BUT IT IS STILL THE CROSS OF CHRIST.

When was the first EUCHARISTIC PRESENCE after the Ascension?? Who celebrated it?

Confession and amendment: but amending is a process. Picking at the scab, even accidentally, interrupts mending, but does NOT STOP healing... unless you won't LET the wound stay closed.

Scars?

"Why hast thou forsaken me" = a REPLY to "let God save him if he loves him" ??? Because it's a QUOTE FROM A PSALM. Why was he allegedly forsaken, not rescued? READ THE PSALM.

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What happened when Saint Dismas died? Was he still on his cross?

The desire for novelty DISRESPECTS the Unchanging quality of God, AND REQUIRES DEATH! Every new obsession or desire requires the death of an old one.

Judas betrayal: gain the world but lose your soul= everything is Worthless without God, to love and share

⭐I DON'T WANT HAPPINESS, I WANT JOY

Homosexuality: inability to love the "other"? PRIDE. pun intended. Seeing inevitable satanic patterns in its culture.

Why do compliments and praise excite vainglory and pride? Because they honor the MAN, NOT GOD.

ANGEL FOOD: ON EARTH, IT'S FALLEN ANGELS!! Don't fall for the trick!
πŸ‘†"What concept or essence of God am I really seeking here?" A good and deeply moving loving meditation.

"Who will empty the bitter cup [vinegar on cross] so that it may be filled [wine of God]?" = CHRIST

"Can you drink of the cup, " etc. Thoughts.

Not knowing who is in heaven prevents PRESUMPTION and cold detachment,  and promotes HOLY FEAR, HUMILITY, & PRAYER FOR OTHERS

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Truly appreciating the Atonement: imagine the SENTENCE Jesus would receive IN YOUR PLACE.

"Paul, why are you persecuting ME?" = BODY OF CHRIST

HE'S ASKING YOU THIS, TOO, WITH SELF-PERSECUTION

Humans vs animals: REASON, FREEDOM, KNOWLEDGE, ABILITY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Active vs passive participation in God's Goodness

"The FULLEST expression of those truths & graces necessary for salvation is found in CATHOLICISM" = the essence of Catholicism is CHRIST, and growing conformity TO HIM

Religion and spirituality are BOTH important: EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL

RELIGION & MASS ARE NOT MEANT TO PLACATE, NOR IS THEIR VALIDITY AFFECTED BY, OUR EMOTIONS AND OPINIONS!!!

Strive to live as Christ wills, and pray, EVEN IF YOU FEEL COLD/ EMPTY/ ETC.

⭐Televised masses= RISK A LACK OF THE SENSE OF HOLY FEAR, REVERENCE, SOLEMNITY, ETC.

Christian contemplation is focused NOT on the unknowable, but on THE FACE OF CHRIST, who IS THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD THE UNKNOWABLE. This is profound

SALT: of the earth, paradox? Salt RUINS earth so nothing grows: prevents GROWTH OF WORLDLY VICE! But salt makes FOOD better AND preserves it: true food, CHRIST! Also salt promotes "living water" retention

SPIRITUAL HUNGER IS NOT SPIRITUAL STARVATION

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Purgatory was created when Christ "descended into hell" upon His death?? He CANNOT literally "go into hell" because hell is the absence of God and Christ IS God.

BUT! LITERALLY NO ONE COULD GET INTO HEAVEN UNTIL CHRIST DIED because I think NO ONE COULD MERIT IT WITHOUT HIS ATONING GRACE? Only those that God took up were in heaven, like Elijah and Abraham.

HOWEVER we're told that the fires of purgatory ARE the fires of hell??? And nothing Christ touches EVER goes back to what it was prior. So is purgatory that part of "hell" that Christ descended into upon His death, to rescue the dead in faith?? It's in the psalms: "the dead cannot praise you" etc.

The Cross is ENTIRELY a symbol of LOVE. "Head bowed to kiss, arms open to embrace," etc. The violence done to Him IN that position only strengthens it.

The secular world is blind to this, while ironically singing "I would die for you" and "we bleed for love" etc.

Message from last night's dream: Jesus will come SUDDENLY and ABSOLUTELY. you MUST be ready at All Times or you WILL be locked out!!

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Our hearts must be BROKEN OPEN before we can be reborn In Christ-- like the graves being broken open at the Crucifixion so that the saints could Rise AT the Resurrection! As opposed to whitewashed tombs of the Pharisees; denying that it even IS a tomb, harder than the stones (diamond? Hard, pretty to see but useless to BUILD ON? -- wants attention and glory, not humble labor; and occurs too small for a heart? + FLAWS!!)

+flowers bursting through concrete = Christ indomitable

"All the people . . . smote their breasts," in token of sorrow, "and returned." They begin now to put forth the blossoms of repentance, that they may bear fruit at the preaching of S. Peter and the Apostles (Acts ii.).

Parallel between the veil of the Temple and Christ's clothes? The latter being untorn, the former being SPLIT IN TWO? Plus the gambling by soldiers?? Vs ignorant priests??

LINEN comparisons, burial shroud? Swaddling cloth? Etc.

THE HOLY HUMILIATION OF GOD IN THE PROFANING OF THE HOLY OF HOLIES: made common to reach common man. Accessible by even the deplorable, if that's their ONLY CHANCE of ever accessing Christ then so be it, to save them. Mystery of passion, CROWN OF THORNS. love profound.

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Therapy: practice and application. Trust in TRUTH and the NEED FOR HUMILITY AND INTEGRITY to do this at ALL.

"You don't need the other person to admit they did wrong to get closure." Why? Realizing PRIDE demands this?? WHY do you want them to be sorry? So you can have the power over them, the upper hand, the "I am right and you are wrong" twisting of justice? OR do you seek LOVE? Forgiveness wants an apology for THEIR SAKE, not mine. I seek their ability to feel CONTRITION for their own souls sake!! But I FORGIVE them and so I can HEAL. This does NOT rob justice, it feeds MERCY, and ironically this SOOTHES JUSTICE?? Because the wrong was done, yes, but seeking vengeance or refusing to release the victim card just perpetuates pain and PREVENTS justice from being achieved, BECAUSE JUSTICE IS INHERENTLY A VIRTUE OF HARMONY AND AMENDMENT. It seeks to make the broken things whole, to make the uneven scales balanced once more. Therefore if I forgive out of mercy and tend my wounds of trauma, I BOTH ACKNOWLEDGE THE INJUSTICE THAT CAUSED THOSE INJURIES, AND DO NOT DENY OR DOWNPLAY IT, AND ALSO ACHIEVE THE HARMONY OF SOULS THROUGH FORGIVENESS THAT WOULD OTHERWISE BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH A GRUDGE ON MY PART OR REFUSAL TO REPENT ON THE PERPETRATOR'S PART. This is very important!!

Our desire to be always right is secretly rooted in the desire to be closer to God, to walk in His ways-- for ONLY GOD is always right! But we will do less wrong the closer we are to Him.

Correction should bring joy then! Indeed it DOESN'T hurt! The pain comes from awareness of our distance from God. So cling to correction, as it is a rescue rope, lifting you up!

WE ARE NOT GOD! Therefore we must be corrected in His instruction.

STEALING IS THE SIN OF JUDAS!!!

Do unto others as to Christ, seeing Him IN them-- not a literal deification of others, BUT recognizing Him AS THEIR GUIDE, CREATOR, AND PROTECTOR. Everything they do is under His will or allowance; everything they receive or lose is from His hand; everything they say to you is heard and orchestrated by Him, for blessing or chastisement. Christ is OMNIPRESENT yet NOT IMPERSONAL!!! HE CREATED ALL THINGS FOR HIMSELF AND THROUGH HIMSELF, therefore all things are EVEN NOW under His TOTAL CARE AND JURISDICTION, while still respecting free will within His holy limits.

HUMILITY IS KEY!!! Because how can you serve, let alone SEE, God in others, if you are so proud you see YOURSELF as your God???

VIRTUE IN EXTREMIS: do good without any reward, recognition, comfort, or recompense. Do good even in death and dearth, even if only God sees it, ever.

PLUS remember all the folk tales of God and angels and saints in disguise!!!

VICE IN EXTREMIS IS DOUBLY REPREHENSIBLE BECAUSE IT ANNIHILATES THIS DIVINE OPPORTUNITY FOR REDEMPTION AND HOLINESS: see the two thieves!!

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Nature reflects FALLEN NATURE now because Man could not live in heaven after sinning!! So nature fell WITH Man, as part of the curse.
"Unnatural" yet occurs in nature; not a paradox, because sin is DISOBEDIENT and FALSE. Misuse of function, mutation, perversion, etc.

ARE YOU LIVING A DEAD LIFE OR A LIVING LIFE? Consider the FIG TREE. Where is your fruit? Are your actions FRUITFUL TO CHRIST, or are they dead ends, occurring in and of themselves with no further merit?

"If you were stranded on an island and could have ONE book, what would it be?" Clever answer: GUIDE TO SHIPBUILDING. Not only is this an allegory for life and the Bible's proper application, but the cleverness of the response betrays an inherent common misconception of the question: ESCAPE IS NOT FORBIDDEN. You're not doomed unless you sit on your butt and do nothing!!!

Again, CONSIDER THE FIG TREE.

"Who am i?" Morning question meditation. Thinking about colors: HOLY RED + WHITE; I've been blending them as pink BUT THEN I'M LOSING THOSE OTHER INTEGRAL ESSENCES. Also colors are only "pure" when they COME FROM LIGHT and remember COLORS EXIST AS A RAINBOW INHERENTLY.

Boredom is just a fear of death AND BIG PICTURE BLINDNESS. We're only ever bored IF WE'RE LIVING FOR OURSELF, afraid to die for others!!!

Fulton Sheen sermon on JACOB & THE ANGEL

ACT ON YOUR FAITH. "Praying for rain but not carrying an umbrella" doubt.

Why are we called to love Mary, and go to Christ THROUGH Her? Because SATAN HATES HER. She is the perfect created being. If we feel PROUD we will be UNABLE to love her as a result-- because such love requires humility, and confession of our own imperfection!! PLUS, we must love our fellow man. If we can't even love JESUS'S MOM, how are we ever supposed to love our neighbors, let alone God??

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OBEDIENCE MUST BE ROOTED IN REVERENCE TO PLEASE GOD. The NT High Priests DID obey and worship God, following all the laws to the letter, BUT they had no HEARTFELT REVERENCE? Which is a result of CHILDLIKE LOVE AND HOLY FEAR. I think their positions of power were obstacles to such humility and "littleness of heart" before Him. True obedience requires a SERVICE MINDSET, but NOT A "SERVANT" ONE?? Because a servant can be bought and sold and not feel ANY love of their master. But Jesus said "I call you FRIENDS." And friendship love makes obedience a JOY, something we actually freely SEEK to do out of charity and gratitude.

+ "obedience is sustained by PRAYER"= talking with God as FATHER AND FRIEND. Gives us strength and Courage.

I noticed I "test" this a lot. If I feel my obedience is willing, but weirdly begrudged, I ASK GOD: "Teach me to love obeying you in this. What am I regretting or fearing? Help me see it and heal it." Ultimately though it ALL boils down to a LACK OF TRUST IN GOD, AND A LACK OF PERFECT LOVE TOWARDS HIM.

"Your faith has saved/healed you"= JESUS IS NOT A VENDING MACHINE. In order for His Power to work RIGHTEOUSLY in you, RESPECTING GOD, you must respond as such! Jesus is not a pill you can casually take to feel better!! He heals you THROUGH GOD'S POWER, and His Power can ONLY HELP THOSE WHOSE HEARTS ARE OPEN TO HIM.

⭐My guilt response is broken because MOM SHAMES ME FOR BEING SORRY??? "Is the brown sugar gone?" My fault, I say "yes" and she gets mad. Now I am very sorry, BUT!!! If I SHOW sadness and say "I'm sorry," she gets ANGRIER??? And says "oh, don't start with the crying!! Or I'll walk right out this door!!" And so I STIFLE IT?? AND IN TIME THIS CORRODES MY ABILITY TO FEEL SORRY????

Jesus vs music?? Emotional imaging DOESN'T APPLY? Solemnity. Worried about bigger picture here; pray, meditate & type.


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The Holy Spirit doesn't come in pieces; He comes all at once, like at Pentecost. But remember that the apostles had been receiving preparations for that reception for years! Yes they had previously been weak and doubtful, but they had just lived through Christ's Passion and His resurrection, which gave them the graces needed for their hearts to be open enough TO receive the Holy Spirit. That was the final step; now they were just waiting for that seemed to be planted and bloom, but the soil Had been worked for a very long time before that.

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prismaticbleed: (angel)

I genuinely think that the reason we are currently being denied access to the Most Holy Eucharist (COVID restrictions) is because we have been desecrating it for too long through complacency. How many of us DO have unconfessed mortal sins on our souls, yet we "reason" their gravity away through feeble self-justification and proud excuses? How many of us don't fast properly before receiving the Real Presence? How many of us leave right after the Sacrament? How many of us drift through the Holy Mass in distraction and ignorance, before receiving Jesus Christ Himself with what can only be described as a blasphemous lack of ardent recognition and love? How many of us don't even really BELIEVE that Christ is Present there? How many of us forget that He remains in us after Mass, and return to living lives that mock our faith WHILE Jesus abides literally within our bodies?

God has temporarily deprived us of the greatest blessing we HAVE on earth, because we didn't realize that's what it was, and we didn't honor it as such. So now, in this season of mourning, let us repent, let us strive to amend our lives and purify our hearts, let us do penance for our awful lack of love and devote ourselves more totally and sincerely than ever before to living lives worthy of our call to be Christians. God is chastising us out of profound love-- we must humbly submit to His discipline and change our ways, for we may never get such a notable chance again!!

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I'm homebound the way it is, but the added depth and "memento mori" feeling of this COVID quarantine has deepened my faith SO much, SO quickly, and I had been scraping through Lent in near despair. Thanks be to God; I don't know what sort of paradoxical grace this is but WOW. I'm praying, reading holy books, studying Scripture, & watching more online masses than ever before, out of LOVE. Like my soul is ravenous for holiness now. | can't NOT seek God. And it's an ever deepening love, fervent with joy and desire to know Him more closely. It's amazing. I guess it's true that the Real awareness of one's mortality- as an immunocompromised individual in a VERY high risk family- pushes one all the more to focus on the spiritual over the physical, the lasting over the temporal. But | always thought it'd feel obligatory. Nope! This faith growth is entirely grace. There's no forcing, no begrudging, no reluctance. Its absolutely JOYOUS. Like heart burning, teary eyed NEED for God, and WANT of God, that was never so intense or freely felt before.

I've wanted this all my life. God keep me here, & closer!


If you ask God to help you grow, do not be surprised if it starts raining.

This is so important! EVERYTHING God gives us is a blessing from His Hand, meant to help us grow in holiness, to grow closer to Him!
So give thanks to the Lord at all times, and sing in the rain He sends. β€πŸŒ§πŸŽΆπŸ™

(also... of course this reminds me of a certain someone, who has helped me grow so much spiritually. he's a perfect example of this. thank You, God, for him.)


worshipgifs: My goal is to pray so much and so often I pray with out realizing it. I want talk to God and learn how to tap in to a relationship. I want to hear His thoughts and I want to laugh with Him. I want to pray so much that it is like talking to my best friend.

This. This is what I want, so much.

I want to live in ever-deepening love with God every moment of my life… and to live in perfect eternal love with Him in heaven.


God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be.

God is Truth Himself. We must be open-heartedly honest in order to meet Him, at all… no exceptions, no excuses.
But He waits for us… πŸ™πŸ₯Ί


otiumetbellum:

The danger of peace and decadence lies in the ability of temporal pleasure to cause man to forget about the war that is forever waged within himself.

This is the reason why are called the Church Militant– We seek Christ’s peace, not that of the world, and His peace is rooted in hope of heaven with Him– for our true and complete triumph comes only after death, when we are reunited with Christ our Victor! Until then, it’s war against the devil, the flesh, and the world, and we can only achieve that through Him, Who is opposed to all such temporal temptations! So remember from Whom an to Where you are called, hold to this holy hope, do not despair, and endure until the very end as a soldier of God.



“The human soul has still greater need of the ideal than of the real. It is by the real that we exist; it is by the ideal that we live.”

— Victor Hugo
 

What is real now is only imperfect. What is ideal is what exists in God– the true full potential of Creation, and its ultimate fulfillment in Christ, which we see the first realized glimpse of in the Resurrection of Jesus. We too are called to be part of this divine ideal, as we are also part of the real that He glorified as man, for we alone as reasoning souls are able to perceive this blessed hope, let alone participate in it through faith. Therefore, whereas all other creatures only exist, it is our sacred responsibility as humans to live, to strive ever upwards, and to carry all of Creation with us, in the salvific strength of our perfect Savior.


“Beauty attached to God is sacrament, cut off from God it becomes an idol.”
Frithjof Schuon
 

God is the Source and Cause of beauty. If we fail to recognize Him in it, then we effectively admire earthly beauty as its own cause– turning it into a false god. This misattribution is the essence of all idolatry.


"Religious experience is bigger than religion. That is to say, God himself is “outside the box.” While we have our doctrines and dogmas and traditions and theology, God is greater than all our explanations and there is more in heaven and earth than our neat little answers can contain."

Fr. Dwight Longenecker

modern-day-distributist: I don’t disagree, but people usually only say that sort of thing right before they go full heresy mode.
 

Honestly that’s what concerns me about most of the reblogs here. It’s a humbling truth that can sadly be taken far out of the proper context.

Nevertheless, in a beautiful sort of irony, Fr. Longenecker said this in an article discussing how Catholicism’s history of the miraculous is still entirely valid even if the formal religion has no outright inclusion of such things. And even then, God is greater than BOTH wondrous miracles and religious comprehension. But even so, God EXISTS, not as some vague and unknowable pantheistic “force,” but as GOD, the Creator of All, Who we see reflected in all and Who we do strive to know and worship and serve to the best of our humble human ability… but Who is inevitably bigger than our brains can fathom, and the experience of Him, beyond theory and study and dogma, will always shatter our notions and knowledge in some way… because it will both fulfill and surpass them in a way that can never be confined in systematic theology.

Religious experience DOES NOT invalidate religion. Personal religious experience, in truth, must always be evaluated in light Of religion, as our own feelings are prone to skewed objectivism and may not be legitimate outside of our own imaginations, as it were. But honest religious experience is “bigger than” religion in that it is not obligated to occur within the bounds of any formal faith practice– for indeed, such practices grow and are enriched over time BY religious experience. Consider Abraham, Moses, Jesus Himself! They and so many more experienced their religion in ways that their religious practice hadn’t fully been able to include prior. And Jesus Christ is honestly the BEST example of this: “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.” (Matthew 5:17)

If you are quoting this in an attempt to elevate the supposed validity of your own objective experiences above the time-tested validity of subjective religion, you have grossly misunderstood the essence of the quote itself. But if you reblog this as a humble admission that even your own experiences cannot and will not ever fully comprehend God– and that He may indeed reveal Himself to you or others in ways that confound and baffle all your previous individual notions– then you’re on the right track.

A rule of thumb: in discussing God & religion, if you are speaking from a sense of pride or superiority, you’re no longer discussing God, but yourself. God is bigger than you, and that is what this quote is about. You are not your experiences. They happen TO you. And the One who gives those experiences cannot be held in any finite box, no matter how sturdy and solid the box is. It’s just too limited– not in “size,” but in what it’s able to hold. Think of it this way: can you fill a box with the color of a sunrise? Or the sound of a river in springtime? Those things are real and beautiful and true, but they can’t be fully described or comprehended outside of direct experience. In this sense, Religion is a painting, a photo, an orchestra, a book– all gorgeous and grand ways of more fully expounding such experiences, but never able to encompass the totality of what it holds in honest part. Nothing is invalidated or denied. You just need both to properly get it– and even then, God is bigger than it all.



"What if" = Fear
"Even if" = Faith


Some may say this is "inquiry vs hubris."

It’s only hubris if you’re trusting in yourself– that’s the literal opposite of faith.

And faith is not without inquiry. The point is that, even in the face of a trillion hypotheses, God Is Still Good. Fear only asks “what if?” But faith responds TO fear with an infinitely joyful “even if.” What if the worst occurs? What if this cannot be fixed? What if I die? Even if all this and more happens, God Is Still Good, and He is STILL in charge of everything, orchestrating it all to reach His ultimate ends– “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Hubris denies fear. Faith soothes it. Inquiry is actually stifled by pride, which seeks to shut up any negative possibilities, thus leaving fear in hiding until failure or disaster inevitably occurs, which pride cannot admit. But eventually fear will become the loudest voice, like a panicked child desperate for comfort… and that’s when faith must step in and embrace it. Yes, things are scary. Yes, things are painful. Yes, you may not see any light at the end of the tunnel. But have faith. Do not be afraid. God Is Still Good. And this adamantine assurance will carry you through every question and crisis both, until at the end of it all, fear ceases forever and peace reigns with joy.


“The revulsion towards and violent detachment from nature leads to its desecration, to the destruction of the organic conception of the world as a cosmos, as an order of forms reflecting a higher meaning, as the ‘visible manifestation of the invisible’ - a conception (of Indo-European origin) which is an integral part of the Classical view of the world and which also lies at the basis of various forms of knowledge of a different sort compared to profane, modern science.”

— Julius Evola, The Bow and the Club
 

Such revulsion and detachment ultimately stems from pride, a self-idolatry that inherently opposes the humbling reality of a greater whole, of a cosmos that is defined by “us and them” instead of “me.” All of Creation is God’s Creation, blooming from His Heart, an ineffably grand painting that inevitably bears the signature brushstrokes of its Painter. But pride hates to be a painted thing, especially just one among trillions, and so it begins to detest the work of art itself, denying its Cause and Purpose, and instead attempts to make a painting within a painting– not as a joyously innocent imitation of the art around it, as one who acknowledges their proper place in the cosmic whole could do– but as a staggeringly arrogant and futile effort to replace the canvas itself, proclaiming itself as the true functional backdrop of all things, despite not having any hand in the matter even then. But such con artists manipulate, and mutilate, and make every effort to usurp and appropriate power from the Creation they have come to begrudge so bitterly. They desecrate because to admit sacredness means admitting ones own inherent mortal failure to achieve it. They ignore the higher because they can be kings of the lower, but only servants of what is above. They think themselves greater than nature, from “other things,” but in the end, all this achieves for them is a lonely death, ironically surrounded by a universe that only ever wanted to embrace them again as God’s Child… but they said no.



“…unless you shall do penance, you shall all likewise perish.”

The Gospel According to Saint Luke, cap. xiii, verse 3 (via egosvmqvisvm)

There are no exceptions, to both justice and mercy… yet there are conditions. We are condemned to the first by our pride and ignorance, and only faithful penance can free us to receive the second. God will have mercy on us only if we humble ourselves enough to genuinely admit our desperate need of it.



“Even in trifling matters the depths of one’s heart can be seen.”

— Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Remember this. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” (Luke 16:10)

The heart is the fountain of all our deeds. “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:45)

Make sure yours is anchored to Christ, and humbly obedient to Him, because left alone, the heart is pulled violently to and fro by wicked things, and it will become corrupt by constantly acquiescing to their whims. The waters of our soul become dirtied terrifyingly easily. Furthermore, our very nature is sinful because sin is disobedience, and from birth, our fallen pride sadly disposes us to commit such. Only Jesus can change this, and so we must die with Him to be recreated in Him. Only then will our hearts be renewed, more and more day by day, until our inner depths are washed clean and clear.



momentsbeforemass:

“We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.” – C.S. Lewis

After the Resurrection, there’s a strange exchange between Jesus and Peter. We see it in today’s Gospel. Jesus asks Peter, “do you love me?” Peter says yes.

Just like you’d expect.

Jesus repeats the question. Peter gives the same answer.

But Peter knows that something’s off.

Jesus repeats the question again. Now, it’s not a friendly question.

Peter is distressed. Because he sees where Jesus is going. This is a call-back to Peter’s most shameful moment. To Peter’s betrayal of Jesus.

On the night before the Crucifixion. When Peter, the one who bragged about being with Jesus to the end, ended up denying even knowing Jesus. Three times.

This is Peter’s reboot. It’s progress. But progress that doesn’t ignore what Peter did.

It’s the only kind of progress that can last. One that begins by turning back. To deal with what went wrong.

Before Peter can be filled with the Holy Spirit. Before Peter can live up to the new name that Jesus gave him. Before Peter can be who God made him to be. Before Peter can make any progress.

Peter has to turn back. Peter has to deal with what went wrong. Peter has to get right with Jesus.

The Gospel is showing us a universal truth. When things go wrong. Especially when we’re the reason why they went wrong. We can’t just ignore what happened, what we did. And try to keep on going like it was nothing.

It’s not healthy. And the longer we avoid it, the worse it will get.

We’ll never make any real progress towards being who God made us to be, without first turning back, without dealing with it.

Without that re-grounding in God, there can be no progress. Not for Peter. Not for any of us.

It’s simple. It’s not easy. But God will give you the courage to do it. If you have the humility to ask.

Turn back. Deal with it. Get right with God.

Then get ready to see real progress.

Go. God is waiting for you with open arms.

 

The only kind of progress that lasts begins with turning back, to deal with what went wrong. Especially when we’re the reason why they went wrong, we can’t just ignore what happened. We must get right with God and each other.

This hit me like a truck, especially since I honestly JUST received the grace TO do this in a broken friendship, two years of prayer later. But by God’s mercy, in response to my contrition and confession, He set things as right as they could be, and I am profoundly grateful… and profoundly humbled.

Turn back and deal with it. Remember the prodigal son. God is always there waiting to mend whatever you give Him… but you must first admit why it’s broken. Don’t be afraid though. God loves to fix things. And once He does, you will be able to move forwards in joyful gratitude, to a more whole and holy future.









hope today

Apr. 25th, 2020 03:36 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

God keeps giving me glimpses of what my life will be like when this eating disorder finally hits the grave for good, and those glimpses are wonderful.

Today, He gave me awful joint pain and stiffness, especially in my legs, which got me so antsy and upset that I was pushed to go run ten laps in the driveway just now. And I feel amazing. My legs have that lovely tight burn that I miss after jogging. And outside, everything is so beautiful! The cherry blossoms are out, the lilacs are starting to bud, the air is fresh and cold and clear, the sky is blue and white, the wind is blowing in feelings of childhood dreams and memories from long before any of the trauma of the past. The woods is calling, the pine trees are singing promise of winter to come again, and yet the tiny flowers are also singing the glory of spring, here and bright and new and so delicately lovely, and the heavy joy of summer-dense green hanging in the air like a bubble about to burst into iridescent sparkles. It's God's Creation and boy howdy is He EVER evident in it, when you get out there and just be in it! It's SO NICE. And I missed it terribly. Honestly THANK GOD for the fact that I live IN the woods because otherwise this stay-at-home order would be dreadful, haha. Stay-at-home, well, what if the outside IS my home, what if heaven is my home? Well then, that's why we're all effectively being pushed to live a more monastic life lately, no kidding. And I NEED to do that more, too, because I WANT to, good golly I sure do, but old addiction and abuse cycles are still hanging on by threads. God will cut 'em, though, don't worry. Keep praying, keep working, and keep up the faith! I've been reading the Bible so much more lately and oh my gosh it's like drinking water by the gallon in a dry desert. It's beautiful. I literally cannot get enough of it. I want to read more of it right now, really I do! So I've gotten into the habit of carrying a Bible with me wherever I go, keeping one in every room, etc. And of course there's always one-- or twelve, haha-- on my phone. God bless that phone, she's been such a boon to my faith. Technology can really be a blessing IF you use it for God, which is what I want to emphasize in the League, which is ALSO what I've been working on like mad lately, ANOTHER glimpse of something trauma environments almost wrecked BUT you can't stop God or His purposes, and He GAVE me those creative worlds FOR His purposes, and so yes they are STILL alive and BETTER THAN EVER. I'm doing massive cleaning and fixing to them all, deleting and revising firmly, to make everything Catholic or bust, because that's how it should be. Honestly, if it's not leading you closer to God, it's not worth your time, ever, and as a Celebi I have GOT to honor that especially, for sure!!

Anyhow. I need to eat some cucumbers now BUT that’s the other glimpse! Lately God's been giving me bitter cucumbers, which are killing my appetite, and making me actively eat less. Which is AWESOME. Not only that, but He's destroying my "taste" for other foods, too, notably peas, green beans, beans in general, etc. And RICE. Ugh. Never again, haha! My body HATES it. But yes, I've been praying for this. I WANT my appetite and taste to both be completely tamed & sedated so that I ONLY eat small amounts of what I need to keep this poor body alive for heaven's sakes quite literally. And we're getting there. Honestly, in God it's already achieved, which is obvious, but there are just obstacles in the way that WOULD be gone already if I wasn't somehow inexplicably still clinging to 'em. And that's being brutally honest. I could easily just stop eating for the day right now and be PERFECTLY happy and healthy. I really don't want to go back to that table and eat more. Hence why I'm typing. The thought of food disgusts me lately. But like I said, that's answered prayer. The BIG one is going to be when I STOP MAKING SO MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE which will happen the instant I replace that artistic rerouting with PAINTING SHIRTS and WRITING MUSIC and TYPING and other stuff that God gave me the blessed talents to do. And I AM taking tiny but substantial steps! Gotta take BIGGER steps now! Gotta PAINT EXILE'S ROBE and no excuses, if the morning light doesn't work then paint it in the evening, we just have to keep replacing toxic habits with good works! And I promise, with Jesus's help I will.

 

There's a lot more I could say and type both, in many other ways, but I can feel my brain hitting the end of this topic so we're done for now. To shift to something else would involve HEAVY INTROSPECTION and that means shifting entirely from an outside awareness to an inner one, which I can only do if I clamp on headphones and dedicate myself to at least two solid hours sitting here, haha. Which is very much an evening task. Maybe I shall. We shall see.

 

Anyway the Divine Mercy Chaplet is on in 26 minutes and MASS is being livestreamed in that plus two hours so I've gotta go eat (ugh, I'll try) and read the Bible (YES. I'm studying John 21 and next is The Scourging, gosh my heart feels pulled to learn about that all the more deeply, SO MUCH) and I'll see you all later!! ο‚©

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)


I just prayed the spiritual communion prayer on EWTN, and as I was asking Christ to "take me into His heart" and "turn me into Himself" and "unite me so closely to Him that I may never be separated from Him, even for a moment" and despite the fact that my heart and soul truly yearn for those things, as a deer pants for running streams, as a starving child hungers for bread, I realized, quite jarringly, that something in my battered soul was still scared. And I wondered, why? There's nothing scary about that! But then it hit me, all of a sudden, that I wasn't scared of Jesus. I'm scared of me.
I'm scared that I will corrupt Him.
That's impossible, literally impossible. If I am united with Christ, all the evil and stupidity and weakness in me will dissolve as totally a snowflake in a firestorm. That's a HUGE source of hope that I NEED to remind myself of when I feel like this.
But then, of course, there is that weakness of the flesh, of the ego-- that fear of "losing one's 'self'" in the process of becoming Christ, of having one's selfish identity dissolved as well, in the new identity of Christ living through us. That is a GORGEOUS hope AND truth that I also need to cling to, but of course, the body doesn't want to do it. It's scared of death, forgetting that in God, there is always a Resurrection as well. If my 'ego' dies in Christ, then it is also resurrected in Christ, but WITHOUT EVIL. It becomes purified, and FINALLY becomes the sort of 'self' I WANT it to be, and that I am sure it wants to be too. So I don't understand why it's still scared of death in that respect, scared of 'losing itself' in the process of finding itself, as it says right in the Gospel. But it flinches at the thought, and resists. It thinks that if it's gone, there's nothing-- IRONICALLY, SEEING AS I HAD D.I.D. FOR LIKE TWELVE SOLID YEARS. That was PROOF that even if one part of my psyche was totally dormant and unconscious OR even "dead," THE SOUL DOES NOT DIE, and there was always someone else to take over. But I think maybe that's the fear in my head-- that fear of being asleep while "Christ drives the car." Nevermind that that's a really touching idea, like a child, trusting in their parent totally to the point of serenely falling asleep in a moving vehicle-- but that's not what happens in Christ, that ignorant dormancy. No, when we "lose ourselves" in Christ, WE are not annihilated, but TRANSFORMED.



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