the spectrum heart cathedral system

We have so many faceless children in the System. It seems like the older we get physically, the "younger" we are inside? We feel more and more helpless and scared and small every day. There is a legitimate part of our mind that is a frightened crying child and s/he keeps crying "i want my mommy" but the instant we imagine any sort of adult female like our mother (long dark hair) the child starts screaming hysterically and runs away in tears. "mommy," she sobs, but she feels so lost, like, what is a mother? I don't think she knows.
"Grandma" is still safe, in memory. ALL the children will run to her instinctively. But... the memories don't match up. There was an phago-paidifoni who kept eating rice pudding last month, because it would immediately transport her into a vivid sensory memory of being in the kitchen or on the porch with grandma, eating homemade rice pudding, feeling safe and loved. The problem is that at some point, she started trying to remember what our grandma actually talked and acted like in those situations, and... it wasn't always nice. That's a fact. Our grandmother could be very critical, and said hurtful things often, even if she didn't mean to. And the phago-paidifoni became so confused and disturbed, because this wasn't what they needed or wanted from her. They wanted to feel safe and loved and comforted, but that was suddenly gone now that this ideal visual was changing to reflect memory. And they disappeared, stopped eating rice pudding entirely, because now it was triggering. It's sad.

Anyway. What would a child want, from a "mother"? That's hard to answer, because the very WORD "mother" brings up immediate feelings of TERROR and PANIC and the urge to FLEE AND HIDE. We can't delve into that right now; it's too early and we will need to recover mentally from this entry the way it is.
But our therapist said, don't ask the System itself at this point. We have too much pain and trauma, we can't see straight. Growing up we never really "had" a mother or father in the "family role" sense. We had a biological mother and father, but neither of them knew how to be parents; they barely knew each other to begin with, and both of them were extremely independent and stubborn, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" types. They weren't home much, worked constantly, and had NO warmth or intimacy or quiet time to give. Our grandparents were the same. So... we didn't have a context of what a "normal family" looks like as a child, and so we couldn't even imagine anything different. Hence why the Spherae never had parental figures in it until we hit college and wrote some in just as "filler." Even so, what would parents act like? We didn't know.
You know how we do know, now? Our faith has told us. We had NO IDEA what a "real parent" SHOULD look like, at ALL, until we really started to commit ourselves to being Catholic. Suddenly, we realized what we were missing. We jarringly became aware of an immense lack in our life, of an "infantile need" that was never met, of a hunger completely ignored and denied until now. THAT'S why we suddenly have "all these internal children" crying helplessly, lost and confused, knowing they need something-- someone-- but not having any idea what to do about it. They're helpless. I emphasize that word, because it defines childhood for us. Powerless, incapable, totally dependent. And... I don't think we were ever allowed to be that historically? Our parents drilled self-sufficiency and excellence and competition and achievement into our brains from the very beginning; we were even pitted against our siblings to "be the best" and nothing ever felt "good enough." The bar was always moved higher. Our mother said "that should have made you try harder!!" but honestly it just made us feel... helpless. We felt defeated before we even started. We internalized a sense of total ineptitude, inadequacy, failure-- we were a disappointment and a letdown no matter what we did. But that's slightly off-topic. The point is, we were never able to just be a child in need. We were expected to do everything for ourself, to be strong and not burden others, to "make our family proud," etc. Somehow this translated to "don't ever weigh other people down with your problems/ whining/ stupidity/ weakness/ etc.," which ultimately boiled down to "you're not allowed to be weak," in any and all senses.
Children are weak, by definition. At least, that's what I've been told now. My brain still "can't accept it." It's not allowed. "They're just choosing to be weak to get something out of people, to manipulate them," like my mother would say. But was I? When "I" was a child, a two-year-old crying from fear or discomfort or hunger or loneliness, and I was weak in that crying, was I actively trying to manipulate my mother out of selfish concern? Or was I just scared and needed comfort and security and... did I "need" it? That's where my mind goes. "You don't really need it. Grow up. Get over it." etc. Children aren't weak, they're just selfish and lazy...
Notice I wouldn't even dare type the word "love." A child needs love. Do they? Isn't it horrible that I instinctively doubt that? That alone says volumes about my upbringing, and the tragic wrecked state of our psyche.

So our homework is to imagine a child in concept, effectively-- "like a character in a story," our therapist said. Like someone in the Spherae. From that "detached" perspective, informed now by Catholic teaching of Truth, what would real parents look and act like? Where does our mind go, instinctively, when it's "safe" to think of such things, from a distance as it were? That's what we need to take time to do.
Notably, I want to mention that it's only within the past two years or so that we've been able TO conceptualize this at ALL, again thanks to our faith. We are ACTUALLY comfortable with referring to the Blessed Virgin Mary AS "mom" now, and regularly do. I think that just started this year, to be honest. She IS "mom," or "mommy," and she hears that term from us a lot during hysterical prayers in times of trauma and terror. But that fact alone is staggeringly significant. In those moments, when we think and feel we are going to die (and in some awful cases, might actually), what do we do? We blindly, desperately, helplessly cry out for mom. And we're not afraid of her. That's HUGE. We used to be, because the way she is portrayed in European/American art IS frightening to us, but in Orthodox iconography our heart recognizes and loves her. So we focus on those images, because "that's our mom's face" and that child-part of our heart clings to that in a way we've never experienced physically or historically. So healing IS happening there. I think that's more important to reflect upon than ANY "imagined" parents even in the Spherae, because after all we'd be defining those characters by what we know or can imagine, and that applicable data is ONLY positive inasmuch as we've received it from Mary. She IS the "mother of all mothers" after all.
Fatherhood is... oddly so much easier. Yeah our dad wasn't around much, but he somehow still embodied a LOT of what we "needed" a father TO be as a child? And yet... there was so much missing that we're only realizing and feeling now that we're older, and are instinctively looking for it, and cannot get it from him. He's never been emotionally or physically close, for one thing. We were reading Father's Day cards in the store the other day and it just... it hurt, so much, to want to say these things to my dad but I couldn't, because he never DID such things. That was like a gutpunch to the soul.
But you know what has been helping us conceptualize real Godly motherhood and fatherhood SO MUCH lately? THE CHOSEN. Oh man that NEEDS its own entry (or fifteen) but for this topic it will suffice to say that the portrayal of the mother and father figures in that series is rewiring our entire brain. It's... it's life-changing, and I don't say that lightly. It's inevitable that such a deeply positive reprogramming of our entire perspective and understanding on this topic WILL change our life-- honestly, it's already motivated us to take extra strong steps to repair our relationship with our mother lately. God is working through that show, in us, visibly and surprisingly so.
But oh my gosh ZEBEDEE. In short, HE is what our soul wants and perhaps needs a "father" to be. He's like our actual dad in a lot of ways, but fills in the gaps too-- I don't know how quite to put it into words yet. But there's a warmth, a sociability almost? Like, he's out there, you can be around him, and he's approachable and... we need that. The sense that you can go to him and he will be strong and honest and supportive and safe. We need that. 
Mother Mary is still our mom, in the show, too. The moments where she takes care of Jesus, even as an adult, like the scene where she just washes His hair... there's a tenderness there that our mother never showed, and we need it somehow. I want to cry, deep down, some part of our soul wants to sob about that, but I don't know why or how.

One last note on this topic before we close up for the morning-- something we've seen mention of in the F/O community is the idea of "maternal and paternal f/o's"??? That's such a... it's a novel concept, to us. Could we ever find a character in media that would somehow personify those ideals our child-selves are seeking? Or could the very searching for such a character be even more valuable, in the process of seeking and therefore recognizing how those characters met or did not meet those needs? We already have the perfect Mother in Mary, and God is our Father, so we don't want to dishonor them by "introjecting" some fictional and imperfect reflection of their very virtues. Furthermore, we don't want any more Outspacers if at all possible. If there are ANY "parents" in the System, they NEED to be Nousfoni. That is CRITICAL. And... we don't have any, except perhaps Sherilyn, but even she shows toxic damage from reflecting childhood mother-understanding, which includes the damaging traits of our mother at that time. So we have to be careful.

This is a heavy but important topic. We will keep revisiting it here and in therapy. We need to review the archives and see what we have written on this in the past-- we don't remember anything. The past two years, although full of eternally meaningful spiritual growth and instruction, have nevertheless, as a result of that honed focus, caused massive memory loss of our historical-personal past. Our sense of self has deteriorated, and the System is barely functioning, except for the thriskefoni and esthiofoni, ironically up to this point. But we're still healing, despite it all. We're doing better by the grace of God. It's war, it will always be war, but Christ is the Victor and the closer we move and stay to Him the better we will be on all levels.

That's it for today, we have daily responsibilities to do. But it's nice to be typing again.
Remind me to upload the smattering of daily notes on our phone, as well as the indispensable "How We Feel" app notes that document the immediate post-hospital crash events. That's very important for our history, and to restore a sense of continuity to our life-awareness pre-Lent, as that too demolished our recollection and identity. Again, warfare. But we soldier on.

Time to fight the good fight in everyday virtue now. Pray for us, as always.

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.

SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Updating from our phone. Talk about breaking new ground.
But that's not the half of it.
Let me give you a quick update.

Friday, the 11th, we had therapy at 11am. However, when we walked in, our therapist said that our genetic mother had called her, and was apparent dumping the ugliest accusatory "info" as possible, trying to get us in trouble as usual, always expecting the Worst from us. But our therapist smiled wryly and said, "she was shocked that I already knew all of that." Because we are EXTREMELY open and honest, Especially in therapy. But our genetic family, despite years of our trying to prove ourself, with therapists and other folks backing us up, REFUSE to trust us. They CONSISTENTLY expect us to do the Worst Thing, and that is both awfully painful and crushingly depressing.
However. Our therapist ALSO knows that. She is VERY aware of how toxic they can be, Especially after both meeting and talking with them herself. And, most of all, she knows how extra paranoid and accusatory and weirdly psychologically/ emotionally cruel they've been since we returned from NC.
Our therapist knows, better than we do, how that house and its people are killing us. She knows we're under constant choking stress. She knows our trauma triggers are constantly being set off, often intentionally. She knows we're too depressed there to eat, too distraught and hopeless to not abusively binge, too wrecked by anxiety to not throw up even a glass of water. She knows we're losing weight fast. She knows we're not sleeping. And, she knows that we're "cutting" again. Retribution. The only way to feel like we're NOT as full of tarry evil as the genetic fam says. The only way we can shock ourselves back into System existence some nights.
She knows we CANNOT SURVIVE in that house anymore.
So she told us we had to leave.

...It wasn't as big of a shock as it would have been two weeks ago. Four months ago, it would have been violently refused.
But now? Having just returned from 9 days in the MOST loving, peaceful, safe environment we have EVER lived in-- a place where WE could BE "WE"-- after that, we suddenly had something truly good and healthy TO compare our current house environment against. And so, suddenly and shockingly, for the first time in our life... We could SEE, beyond any doubt, just how toxic it really was.
We wanted out.
And now we HAD to.

We got back to that house around 7pm. We got dinner on the road. We brought a suitcase.
It took us over 6 hours, but when we were done in those early morning hours, everything we owned was cleaned up, pared down, and packed.
The next morning, we got in our car, drove away, and didn't look back.

It felt like we had took our first breath. There are, also for the first time ever, NO emotional, psychological, physical, or financial ties shackling us to that place. For the first time ever, we COULD effortlessly let go. Almost overnight, everything just... changed. We Never belonged there. But now, it was impossible to even pretend.
That story has finally ended.

Now, we are between books.
Right now, I'm lying down in the guest bedroom of my dad's apartment. Tomorrow we see our therapist. Tomorrow we make TONS of legal phone Calls. Tomorrow we move these boxes into one last suitcase.
Tomorrow, if all goes best, we get an estimate date.

And then, all that is left is to drive down to North Carolina.
All that is left is to go home.

And then, the second book begins.

 

 

new therapist, second appointment

notes from paper immediately after session ended:

★PRINT STUFF! she needs basic refs!!
★ start bringing morpheus everywhere again and taking AUDIO NOTES on everything notable that day/ moment. we are losing so much info from work and from daily life because we're not recording it fast enough, and then dates+details get lost. that isn't good!


drawing= gave us markers. drew tree, house, person (no face!!)
realized we were drawing SYMBOLS. inherently empty.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T "JUST DRAW"; subject needs a context/life in it?
we cannot draw "a" person, or "a" house-- those are empty concepts! BUT we can draw a specific person or house, and the detail+effort jumps SIGNIFICANTLY as well because we are trying to portray a truth.
BUT that very fact includes heavy responsibility of proper representation. this can be overwhelming, often terrifying. why we don't like drawing people; it's like a photo legend, you're "capturing a bit of their soul" in that and you CAN'T LIE. therefore the thought of making a mistake in representing them isn't just a "visual error," it's a LIE in the same way the young wizards books tell it and that is HUGE.
is that true?
either way, we need a way to manage that better so we CAN draw again.

julie fronted, talked a little.
therapist let us then draw anything= we drew a shining heart, a pink lotus (julie drew), leaves/swirls, stars (lynne drew, having lots of fun)

talked about Spectrum. MOST CENTRALITES SPOKE UP.
javier= surprised us that he came out; spoke a bit about red? barely fronted though; he's not comfy with talking outside yet so i'm just aware he was there, not what he said. i can still feel lingering pain in him over the reset of dec 2013? and how that damaged red. HELP HIM HEAL.
lynne= all the orange talk. true to her description, she was very easy to talk to and very merry in her disposition; honestly of everyone upstairs she probably has the least trouble fronting on a dime and talking to TOTAL STRANGERS. most internal people don't even know how to front in social contexts, but lynne just comes right out smiling.
josephina= trying to correctly describe yellow; mentioned how it is tied to the "screaming" feeling (not anger, JUST screaming, like a blind hell sound) and anxiety, BUT that it shouldn't be "defined" by that heavy negativity? said he was trying to emphasize the goodness of yellow-- sunlight, flowers, things like that. but said it was still a difficult process.
nathaniel= describing green as a sort of "neutral" color in the system? notably, "not gray neutral;" said green was HORIZONTAL and gray was VERTICAL? in terms of their balancing feeling. green was like an expanse of grass; a safe and comforting and calm "baseline" for everything to rest upon/within? like that's green, that very feeling of "safe rest."
leon= describing the vibe of the indigo realm, trying to put into similar words the feeling of that color in and of itself-- mentioned the fog and snow and quiet, and the dusky color, but said it was NOT negative or depressing or oppressive? said it was that sort of "before night" feeling, there's a life to it, even in that silence; indigo is about COMPREHENSION in the "inner sight" way? hard to verbalize. it's understanding something, not a "lightbulb moment" but more of a "getting the truth" in a more solid, permanent click. settling in. but the indigo vibe itself is all about being tuned into that discernment and openness of mind and such. also mentioned "indigo is SCALES" and touched his necklace. still not sure how that applies exactly?
laurie= out for a short time; she has trouble just "chatting" and wasn't quite sure how to express herself so quickly. i know she was trying to describe the feeling of violet but it's so powerful, both in its nature and in what it means to her, she couldn't find the words. i remember mentions of it being "like a soldier" but with devotion/ dedication/ protection, how it was that sense of "giving your life for something" out of that same ardor and compassion? but violet is also independent in that it "evangelizes" or something??? in how violets will actively go out and help/ teach/ guide others without making themselves a teacher in the school-like sense; they're more like "voices in the desert?" i remember that concept being totally under-described, we don't have the ready vocabulary for it yet. but it's very important.
julie= besides her drawing, i don't recall what she said? i know she was describing pink as being feminine and soft and pure and caring, but besides that general known info i don't know what else was disclosed.
eros= made it very clear that cerise was "lustless sensuality" and that this was DEEPLY IMPORTANT to us, not just as a system/ as individuals inside, but also in how we interacted with the ENTIRE OUTSIDE WORLD. we do need to talk about this more, it's so important
sherlock= no idea? he mentioned it was data and knowledge, and i think he revisited nathaniel's "balance" bit, but he didn't front for long.
waldorf tried to talk but couldn't, kyanos peeked in and maybe said a few words?
spine, infinitii, and jay DID NOT FRONT OR TALK.

we found it interesting that the colors we couldn't make with markers-- lime and aqua-- were the two colors that STILL had no Centralites assigned to them, and which still felt unstable.
PLEASE GO INSIDE AND FIGURE THIS OUT ASAP.

wattson talked mainly this session?

"definitive person" concept for colors? i.e. "if a person perfectly embodied the attributes of this color, what would they be like?" lynne described orange!
orange is warmth and ebullience and "the kind of person who lights up a room" and "could befriend everyone in a room full of strangers" etc. like our dad, but with an extra "gregarious" (key word!) warmth.
interesting because orange isn't social for the sake of being social?? like oranges are perfectly fine being alone? they're just always a hearth. kind to animals and children, take care of houses, always smiling. "big guy" build vibe, like a gentle giant without the shyness. we NEED to type about this stuff more in depth, it's fascinating

BLACK is "safe" motherly because it is "SPACE"/ a concept field, NOT A PERSON!!!
pink is NOT motherly, it's virginal?? too clear/pure.
(white= "true masculinity?" NO ADULTS concept)

talked briefly about system levels, socials + context locks, faceless/nameless phenomenon, socials having no sense of self, SELF ONLY EXISTING IN A VACUUM???

going home= abusive; "it's an abusive place SO we abuse ourself there"
HOLDING PATTERN (inescapable social mode??)
we have NO addictions away from home? if we're on the road all day we don't even THINK about harming ourself, EVER. but automatically when we walk in the door, that automated addiction starts IMMEDIATELY.
WE NEED TO REDEFINE THE CONTEXT OF THE HOUSE.

tied to symbol-drawing of house: therapist asked what it'd be like to live there, we said "you couldn't;" it was just a depiction. BUT, if you could, it would feel like a very anxious 'interim.' like you weren't supposed to live there. it was just a "standby place," someplace unfit for "living in." thought that was interesting.

talked about razor, the jewels, sylvain in brief.

COLORS!!!!❤



questions to ask ourself in the aftermath of mistakes/ missteps/ bad situations:

1. what did you do right?
2. what could you have improved?
3. what were you aware of?
4. what would you do differently?
5. what would you do the same?

 

 

 

december 10th

just some notes from today.
we haven't been updating (or sleeping) lately and that's not cool.


- GENESIS MAKES MEMORIES ACCESSIBLE.
He is the biggest level-linker, being our main ghoster, allowing for internal consciousness TO exist downstairs.
The awareness of this is striking. If Genesis is not in a memory, it's probably a social's memory, and it's probably incredibly shallow.
Genesis' presence in memories gives them depth and context and presence in time, because cognizance of him requires a conscious individual to front.
Notably, there are no college memories without him in them. If we "guess" at what it would be like without him, automatically the fronter turns to either Jessica/Jezebel or the proud "Jewel" (I don't remember if she had her own name found yet?).


- "proud" 2007 Jewel did not love Laurie; when you get to those memories it switches to CANNON. That proud Jewel remembers high school but not college. Tied to the above point, Cannon remembers college AND Genesis.
- Related; the "proud" Jewel DID talk in the early Xangas, but remember that they lumped Laurie in with Julie, considering BOTH of them "inner demons" and assumedly wanting them both gone. We have no idea if this person knew Lynne and Natalie or not; it seems like they were only aware of them in a "data" sense.
- The "proud" Jewel also did not interact with Q. That person was probably Jennifer, which meant that it was never romantic at all-- this is why "we" thought we were "in love" with literally all of our friends back then; Jennifer does not understand romance but she's so naïvely affectionate that she just assumes that's what it is. However she cannot be around people in a romantic context; SHE WILL SHUT OFF as that is NOT her function. She exists to be something like a maid or servant, someone who is just a helper, NOT a partner of any sort.


- Overload? responds to the given name by screaming "that's not my name;" she does not want that name to be ANYONE's because of how corrupted it is.
Overload was blurry for a while, BUT thank God we seem to have finally pinpointed her. The furious girl who wrote in the original white handwriting tablet is the SAME alter that was shouting at Laurie during the marker convo in 2013. We did refer to that person as Overload. There is also one recent xanga that included her and she was in a non-capslock state... mostly. She starts to switch later on. She is fully capable of talking "calmly" but her vibe feels strained. Nevertheless it IS her vibe. So the point here is, we now recognize her when she shows up... which is vital because there are other angry alters besides her and not all of them are nice, so we have to be extremely vigilant in watching for slippage. But Overload is really important and I am very thankful that we're working with her so frequently now, that she's talking to us and not just screaming from suffering all the time.
- We used to "slip up" with her name and call her "Overlord" sometimes, which still fit and that was disturbing at first. It's probably because she has such profound anchorage into Brown AND the social-alter group tied to the physical life script? So she's got MASSIVE influence in a realm that virtually no one else upstairs can even touch.


- Jennifer is NOT EVIL. She's the ultimate people-pleaser and she's sweet as pie but she cannot exist introspectively. Even when alone, sure she doesn't stop smiling (and it's sincere but very very naïve), but she is only thinking of how she's going to affect others. "What will I do for people when I leave this room?" She CANNOT exist internally because her entire existence is about being a pretty kind face for others. But she's NICE.
She's also tied to the "chestnut" hairstyle as it's just as cute as she is. I think she appears in a lot of photos like this?
- I cannot remember off-hand if we've been calling the "manic fandom babbler" social a name or not? HOWEVER i just found a note on the table that names her as JACKIE. and that name FITS. so remember that.


- Also, while I'm remembering it: in mass last week, lynne & josephina fronted! lynne actually tried to sing for a bit (she can still safely use our voice), which was lovely.

 

- therapy: mentioning how jay's "physical life" memories DON'T INCLUDE PEOPLE.
this seems to be a constant for the cores?? it was the same thing with cannon.

THIS is why we still think SLC and MU were utterly blissful places, despite the piles of angry entries protesting to the contrary. we aren't aware of any of that stuff.
most notably, we don't remember any people. in ALL our "real" memories downstairs, in which we are conscious, it's just us and the ghosters.




(I want to elaborate on this entry later; remind me guys)

 

part one about therapy today and thoughts after.
(the family-session was too massive to write about yet. we have audio notes though)


 manic alters have NO SPIRITUAL CAPACITY. they have no patience for it, scoff at it, et cetera. it "gets in their way" as well.
we may be able to combat them by constantly carrying some spiritual reminder, as in something that cannot be ignored. knife's crosses may be the ideal solution here.
btw did we talk about those? knife's crosses. specifically necklaces with jeweled crosses attached.
he gave one to lynne and julie-- notably he GAVE HIS TO JULIE, then said he'd remake one for himself.
the purpose of the crosses is to act AS a spiritual safeguard, like a heavy shield. the ONLY ALTERS who scoff and squirm at the sight of a cross are ABUSIVE ALTERS. they view it as "silly and stupid" and ANYONE who says that about a cross should be AVOIDED.
oh. and don't forget. we all agreed that EVERYONE IN CENTRAL should have a cross, in their color, and with a specific shape. remember that there ARE several kinds of crosses and we HAVE those images saved in our folder. so go through that and figure out who wants what, if that works.
see if it would be better to buy or make these. remember, the physical cross necklace itself has NO POWER. it is not a talisman. the power comes from what it represents, what it protects, all that holy righteous love and goodness. that light is what it is a sign of, a reminder of, and THAT is what the cross-scoffers are really afraid of, and THAT says a lot.

 some notes to elaborate...
remember, symbols are HUGELY SIGNIFICANT in both headspace and the leagueworlds. they are a language very very close to our hearts, AND to the collective subconscious apparently, so they are unquestionably important.
crosses appear in a couple leagueworlds and their purpose is universal.
dream world= justice wears a cross, and blesses himself/others with its sign. he also carries a rosary, and his symbol is a cross-shaped judicial scale. nebisai originally had a cross mark on his forehead, framing his star jewel. myume has a cross-shaped tail. ankhcat wears/carries ankhs, very crosslike.
hokthai= hosea wears one, as a sign of "someone who loved humanity so much that, even if he knew it wasn't perfect, and even if it hated him, he was willing to die to save it." originally it was the sole possession that bosch left with him, something to remind hosea of his own role as the "savior unit" hokthai. in the revision it became a reminder (from his pastor) that "my life has worth too" and "i can do something better with this life." jezreel originally wore a "st peters cross?" the upside down one. it was never clarified if that was his own choice or not but that could be plot relevant so review that.
voltage= tox originally wore a huge ornate silver crucifix, and felt this way: "He looks down upon the corrupt men and women who allegedly preach God’s will in his society, and instead follows what he strongly feels is true and right (his deep faith may be an indirect result of the ever-present threat of death he faces...)"
also, remember cannon's (?) gen, gamboge, had a cross-shaped genstone because, to quote: "...although now commonly associated with positive organizations like the Red Cross and the Christian religion, crosses were originally used as torture devices in ancient times. I wanted Gam’s attribute to be both positive and negative, and a cross works well to signify this."



 parallel between the plush hacks and the childhood hacks???
both involve something innocent, naive, pure, childlike, soft, kind, etc. being USED. the plush, something totally unadulterated, is suddenly "emptied" of its self-ness (both with anchor and/or dream-friend plushes and with pre-named toys, like beanies) and POSSESSED by something evil, malevolent and corrupt. that vicious force then USES the plush to harm another innocent (us), and in the process, destroy the plush itself.
that is a HUGE PARALLEL and i cannot believe we didn't see it before.
but that ties into the other thing the therapist mentioned and that we forgot:

 the body tries to heal itself. nature does this. any disease WILL be evidenced in order for it to be cleaned out!!! THIS INCLUDES PSYCHO/EMOTIONAL DISEASE.
things like flashbacks, nightmares, floating emotions, panic attacks, psychosomatic illness, et cetera are ALL SYMPTOMS OF A BIGGER SICKNESS ROOT that NEEDS to be healed. it's like pulling out weeds-- if you don't get the entire root out, it'll grow back.

 back on the plush topic, that parallel adds another layer of sense as to why CELEBI was the first one used, as she was closely tied to our self-identity, having been our "self" for at least a year or two in 2001.

 healing from trauma requires FEELING the original trauma in order to process it?????
comparison between remembering good memories and traumatic ones=
good ones are seen almost as "data;" even if we remember something very good and nice, we won't relive it. we can watch it and smile at the recollection of the niceness, but it won't be like we're actually there.
traumatic memories, on the other hand, are INSTANTLY RELIVED. when we try to think about them, we get sucked in to the memory as if we were right there in the moment, PHYSICALLY as well as psychologically. we feel ALL 5 SENSES even if only in an internal sense, because they are nevertheless so vivid that we can't differentiate between them and reality anyway. and when we are reliving these trauma memories, the entire outside temporarily blacks out.
this happened WHILE we were sitting there and when we "came back," effectively by clawing our way out, we temporarily didn't know where we were, let alone WHEN. that's severely jarring.
we told her this, notably that we couldn't help the sudden reliving, we could only bail when it occurred, and she said that such a reaction to trauma memory is actually a PTSD FLASHBACK. i reeled from that a bit; that's been our life for years, we just thought we were either overreacting, or that it was normal.
we then said, our BIGGEST OBSTACLE in healing is that we tried to once, but we were unable to cope with the "healing crisis" of actually FEELING that initial horror... and ultimately this created alters in the System who claimed to be "totally healed and trauma-free!! :)" because they treated the trauma as "fine." THAT IS NOT WHAT HEALING IS!!!!!!

HOWEVER she also gave an example by asking, "do you remember how sometimes in therapy, we will bring up a heavy topic and it'll make you awfully nauseous?" and i said yeah, because it happened again today. but THEN she asked, "are you feeling that nausea again now, like it was happening all over again?" and i stopped. no, i wasn't. that was shocking. i'd never realized that all bad memories AREN'T FLASHBACKS.


 notes in car=
marik/markus and ryou/rio experienced that name change, color shift, and daemon manifestation AS ADULTS. THEY CANNOT HOLD THOSE ASPECTS IN TIMELOCKED HEARTSPACE (WHERE THEY ARE STILL KIDS)!!!!!

 

 

 

september 17th.

things of today:


- new mesita song. I swear it's about laurie. it's fantastic. https://soundcloud.com/mesita/bethelight

- tox gave me a respirator (in heartspace) with crosses on it. it keeps me from breathing in bad things around me/us and inside, when they try to do that. that's a huge help

- guess who said hello to me during exercise today? HOSEA. man i MISS that dude, i love him lots. he was dreaming about flying around his native city and sharing the "data" with me. i kept getting lost on all the barrel rolls and somersaults, haha. upside down always confuses my brain. but not all of them threw me off! so it was really cool to feel the flips. and the freedom, the joy, was so nice. i need to reach out to the headspace-talker leagueworld people more often, besides preludove and my boss of course. i love them all.

- we got a $5 gift card for kmart and minty kind of wants a tiny care bear (to be a safe thing that we carry) so we'll go look for one tomorrow.

- spent the past 4 days or longer working on LG*GIRLS of all things. that series has almost no development yet but I'm hoping to get it to talk, with this new attention. still ironing out the color combos (there's ONE repeated combo I have to fix, and one of the blues might be swapped for a lime green, meaning even MORE revisions) but we're almost done. after this I can get this next shirt done, haha. it's for this series, so!

- cel is ticked off at jasmine, said she does NOT want what jasmine wants, does not approve, said the forest does not approve either, that's why so many "synchronicities" happen to STOP HACKERS when they front. but yeah cel is NOT letting anyone use her, thank god. I was so worried, for a while she was so confused and hurt too.

- laurie and I were wondering if maybe nathaniel could be a sort of "trump card" for us against the "fear seeding hackers," the ones that are trying to turn the forest into a trigger, yes that is blasphemously brazen. but nathaniel is sheer compassion, and tied to the woods, so maybe HE can heal that gut-deep anxiety, if cel can't do so completely.

- therapy today, planning to go to sheppard pratt in the VERY near future because the family/home environment has recently become utterly, maniacally toxic. our stress level is currently a big raw rubbery red thing, something awful like a tumor hanging in the air, buzzing right in the middle of our vision. it's horrid. so we need to get somewhere safe, to heal, to focus on US.

- therapist wants us to sit down and actually think about how our treatment as a child affected us. we were trying to express how stressed we were and she asked us about how the mother treated us and our biological siblings, how did our siblings interact with us, etc. I gave her what sparse vague data we had, it was shocking how little there was, but then I admitted in surprise that "I've never even thought about how her behavior in our childhood affected us now," esp. our subconscious instincts. the therapist said we should do that over the weekend then, it should shed light on a lot.

- brother is still paranoid, vibe of entitled superiority is still making me very uncomfortable, but I swear he IS "waking up" even so and the experiences he's having are AMAZING and I just wish he would actually TALK to us. he never does and that's sad in a way; we might not "know who he is" really but it feels like we could still have a rapport with him, we could learn a lot from each other's experiences. still that's somewhat hypocritical. we admitted that we "can't be honest with anyone" UNLESS we completely introduce them to the basics of headspace. that's us, that's our soul, we cannot possibly tell the truth if "we" are trying to appear neurotypical. the alters in charge of maintaining that mask are so shallow and programmed too. darn good at "playing the game," but there's no substance, no personality behind it. and if you test it that becomes very obvious very fast, BUT then we come out because we were there the whole time, just completely buried by the fakey fronters. so we really want to try to get to that point of honesty with at least him soon. its just that sometimes he scares us for some reason, we're actually afraid to be around him? but it's a "child fear." I wonder what its roots are, and/or who is specifically feeling it. we'll have to see.

- mother's boyfriend "finally" kicked her out of his house, after 6 years? they fight all the time, their relationship is upsettingly immature and manipulative and really just highly unhealthy. I asked the mother why she stayed with him for so long if she couldn't stand him and she said "I needed somewhere to hide," specifically from my grandmother, as those two have this bizarre sort of viciously bitter passive-aggressive vendetta against each other. it's sad and I want to see it healed but I'll admit, again, when I'm unconscious and therefore "social" I can just parrot either of their arguments depending on "what is conversationally expected." see the problem, neurotypical behavior doesn't give a darn about morality. anyway yeah no idea what's going to happen now, with both the mother and brother now back in this house I fear what the atmosphere is going to be like…. but we'll manage. we can use this as an opportunity to be a brighter light than ever before, to be as centered as we possibly can, to practice patience and forgiveness and charity. that's how we have to deal with this.

- there was a hack today. one of the infamous "60 seconds and you're dead" ones apparently. they went through infi and ze was sobbing, apparently it came out of nowhere and coincided with blackout/ time loss and it's just a mess.

- …lately laurie has not been coping with this well. she's shredded emotionally. last night the full breadth of all this hit her and she just started wailing, it was the most heartwrenching thing I've ever heard, it split me in half.

- this evening, she went full-out destroyer, embracing her black energy resonance and picking up her gold-edged axe and absolutely booming with thunder and huge crackles of violet lightning. she looked like some sort of furious divine thing. I clearly remember seeing lynne and jo looking at her with awestruck fear and lynne saying "what is she," jo saying "maybe she's what we all can become"

- lynne warned laurie about getting lost in that griefstricken rage, laurie took out the angel helmet and put it on? vibe changed totally to a sort of victoriously peaceful integrity? hard to put into words. like she knew that no matter what the hackers did they could NOT affect our soul, they would NEVER win, and yet she also would not stand for their behavior at all, but she wouldn't be ruled by violence about it either.

- she took the helmet off and was so obviously drained from all this that she just went back to central, sat down, she was shaking terribly. I noticed all her bandages were getting seeped with blood and I panicked inside, I was so scared for her, I loved her, but there was this horrendous ice wall in my chest and it was trying to numb me out. I "detached" it from my psyche and sure enough it "personified" into one of the tar-girls, that hellish peach girl who is the WORST hacker, but who only recently got a face. laurie saw her and her eyes turned to ire and she stood up and just berated this hacker, to the point where they actually started "glitching out" from fear instability, but then infinitii showed up in monster-mode and basically crushed them to white dust. seconds later though infi melted back to normal and was so obviously distraught, ze just held out her arms and laurie actually ran to hir, fell to her knees and embraced hir, and the two of them just cried.

- infi put an arm out to me and gave me a look, so I went over to them too. I know I needed it, for catharsis. but the pain from the two of them, and in me, was unbearable. laurie was weeping and that feels like a gold sword driven straight through my chest, it's the worst pain but it drives me to such tears, I started sobbing too and for a moment she stopped and looked at me with the most empathetic shock, then put an arm around my shoulders and brought me closer in to the group.

- knife was around here, lynne and jo were too but they were standing off by the windows. knife was in tears and he was so upset about laurie bleeding, he wanted to heal her but he was trembling and crying and laurie turned and hugged him too, trying to comfort him a little (by this point she wasn't such a wreck outwardly). I remember her saying "I love you, man" and he just hugged her tighter.

- infi's probably going to end up sharing the bed with cz and I tonight and I do not mind. ze needs the comfort that cz radiates and frankly I'd feel awful not giving them comfort and company after what happened this evening.

- aspects. of people. forgot to mention this. it's not "alters have alters," it's more like… the only comparison I can think of is how in hinduism, gods have many "forms?" like how shiva has so many different iterations, but they are all the same deity. well a similar thing can happen to more complex headvoices, who have roles that are nevertheless very specific, vitally so. like laurie and i. yes splintering happens but that's different-- that's when something damages our anchor and needs to break off before it breaks us? an "aspect" is different. the example I want to give is how I have these well-known subtle visual differences, that alter my entire personal vibe and attitude. like my "snowflake" form has a totally different way of behaving and seeing the world than my "confetti" one, or my "prism" one. laurie seems to have at least three "forms" too? maybe? even if they're just now developing. that storm-space destroyer form, and then her two common ones-- the "fierce protector" one that she started out as, and then the softer more chill one that she's usually in now. again, always her, no matter what. but her ENTIRE vibe shifts totally from one state to another. now I bring this up because, for me, being a core, I can indeed get tangled up in residual memories from other past cores, etc. and with personal interactions this can get very confusing. long story short I've realized that in order to function properly around different people inside, I CANNOT stay in the same form, it's just not working. hence all the dissociation I've been getting inside. but yes, apparently my MOST stable form right now in an emotional sense is OLDER, like legit older than the body, I feel like… closer to 40, like that. but it's such a beautiful vibe, it's a solid feeling, but with a lighter feather edge than I have younger; younger forms are all bright and pastel soft… this older form is like brushed silver. it's so lovely to be. and that's the form that allows me to function WITHOUT dysphoria or misattributed memories or fear, around cz. so yeah. that's significant. around infinitii I'm basically a white-feathered semi-anthropomorphized version of proginoskes. dead serious. I'm just all eyes and wings, with mouths on my back mostly, and starry black blood, and a tendency to be serpentine instead of having legs. so you get the idea. this feels like my "white energy" version of jewel's "link shifts," where she could literally join ANY world she entered, so to speak, she could adjust almost effortlessly to who she "would have to be to BE there." I can't do that, but she can't do this? yeah we both have morphs (cherubell, infinite, etc.) but that's a whole different thing too. geez I need to add all this to our glossary soon.

- speaking of infinite forms, "infinite" is allegedly the name of infi's face-mouth form? and "eternos" is the name of hir white/pink form. again, shifting. this explains a lot with cz too, I think. except HIS issue is that when he first anchored to headspace, I think his anchor SPLINTERED OFF and that aqua-hue, mouth-fulla-teeth, sleek and snarky self of his is a SEPARATE PERSON than the "canon base" guy I spend all MY time with. the previous jewels knew the aqua one. and yes they ARE confirmed separate people, physically so; it's just a very unusual situation because he's just naturally chaotic as far as this is concerned, pun obviously intended. but I love him, all of him. I might not know his other "selves" yet, but like I said, a lot of people in here do, so might just have to step into some data records and feel that stuff, get acquainted with the past that way.


- all right now one of infi's fave songs came up on spotify ("all of me" by john legend, actually) and I'm tired and we should really get some sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@7:46 AM


some notes about yesterday-- i forgot them last night but it's early so i need to at least list them somewhere:

 

ADD TO ENTRY=

 

- spyro 2! found the cd. play it and write about how it affects us; location-wise i never realized how hugely influential it was on both headspace and the leagueworlds
- sylvain fronting in kmart briefly, looking for minty's care bears, triggered someone "fitting for the context" (a child). surprisingly solid when he blinked in, peaceful mind
- btw where are our jewel monster fronters, make sure nothing messes with THEIR minds
- chocoloco lately, esp. with the spikes-- he's now growing them to "give" to people to eat instead of breaking less expendable parts of himself off (which he used to). his blood is molten??? got a glimpse of his insides, reminded me of dragonheart in that it glowed, orangey red. seemed liquidish. really unusual.
- did anyone talk about nexus??? laurie's really disturbed by hir existence; they don't talk to us much but when they do it's highly upsetting.
- is triad still alive? or was ze a misinterpretation of a splinter or something?
- "brown haired" angry fronter? NOT overload? long hair. showing up more often now, flipping off the mother, her anchor is way too brunt and huge, who is she really
- wtf happened to overload btw did they fuse? is she hiding?
- spice, esp. the kissing thing (to stop people from dissociating and buying/eating tar food), it WORKS. also forging an amusing but really sweet closeness between her and all the main fronters who are open to that.
- also it's her birthday today HAPPY BIRTHDAY eat something nice for her
- conflict with me not being out, I think I mentioned, but there is SO much time loss it's scary
- manic singers in cars. genesis is irate, stopping them.
- ruby doesn't count as a manic i dont think? when she sings it's always alone. it's fun and energetic and can SEEM manic because of the childish exuberance of it, but the key of manics is that they are OUTSIDE-ORIENTED and full of almost violent nervous energy. not so with ruby. so that's a relief, that's good.
- yes zwei is still alive! she's mostly moved into heartspace but she can still front/sing and she isn't negative.
- horrible peachy-colored hacker, long hair. behavior is atrocious, disgusting mindsets. but she has ROCK SOLID BODY ROOTS and that is both hideously nauesating and existentially terrifying. is she that old???????
- she is NOT the same as the lime-haired one from that horrible horrible xanga last week. the two are both twisted as hell but at least the limey one feels vaguely redeemable (her motivations are severely distorted). the fleshtone one does NOT.
- btw WHATS WITH THE LONG HAIR? why do most of the hackers look the SAME, like the body did when it was about 16-17???? does that have anything to do with the "jacob years???" i.e. late high school, the job/relationship puppet time period. I feel so bad that kid got unintentionally tied to such nonsense but check the time period data regardless. photos DO seem to match up and that DOES make me want to vomit until i cry but that's stress dude. it's awfully distressing.
- in a notable exception, jezebel likes the short hair, and her earrings, which the mother now has. but she's terrifying still, her hold on the body is WAY too potent, can we change that?

- an hour with infi last night. intimate-context cardiophagy. dear heaven. please write about that.
- that only works with infi btw. soul form problem?? can't reach one with hir, possibly because ze is made OF that stuff essentially?? so the resonance kind of internalizes, can get huge without causing physical mutations in that specific respect? like it's too broad, too massive, the orderly "soul form" phenomenon doesn't happen with infi because it's resonating like a bell in a church hall, not a little one you're holding in your hand. space-wise. does that make sense?
- weird merge drive shift too. not sure how to put that into words, or if someone already has. unique, blood-based??? possibly due to the literal "this person is part of my soul" thing. but very interesting. can be dangerous though, if looked at wrong. unsurprisingly
- xenophon, how in the world is she almost 5. she feels like she's getting older, it's doing weird things to my heart. still calls me "dad," calls cz her "father," is that accurate?? see if you can talk to the aqua cz, get a name. see if perfect is still separate in any way; normal cz shifted INTO him lately out of despair remember
- ^ memory issues, time gaps, still thinking 2012 was "last year," dishonored autumn sticking out as its entire own time period (gorgeous btw, READ DUNE AGAIN). seriously the entire october-december time period last year is a time-bubble of its own. anaesthesia shook us up i think. maybe hormones shifting the body awareness irreversibly too. who knows. anyway that's a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC so sit down and look at what data we have accessible inside, then READ what we wrote to fill in the inevitable gaps.
- also kind of shocked but amazed because apparently xenophon is legit a jewel monster, or is at least "becoming one" as it were; she's showing a LOT of indisputable signs. still no confirmed locked-in power jewels yet but it feels like they're developing strongly. it'll happen.
- mr sandman being SO clear when he talks to me, the hand-face thing, all the little lines in his hands, profoundly comforting
- remember laurie crying because of how I described "hacks," the term refers to the fact that they're basically mental/emotional/spiritual rape, shoved into the physical, through manipulation and lies and outright forcing. it's entirely nonconsensual but they HIDE. like a computer hacker.
- laurie realizing that her heartbroken states can split right through my glacier walls and she is using that to her full advantage. she kissed me for like… 15 seconds last night. all at once. it was numinous


btw

work a bit more on the akuna art trade please, dont be paranoid or perfectionistic, just do your best.

read those library books they go back monday. especially a wind in the door again because of personal relevance.

check the psych ward sites, we need to decide on dc or maryland for monday?

DRAW. just in general. heal the artists.
you have a fair amount of empty sketchbooks, USE THEM.
also, we NEED to start that webcomic, no matter how shoddy it may feel at first. we can do it.

 

 

 

therapy today=
emotions can only be felt in DISSOCIATIVE STATES?
like we can't be IN the body and feel emotions, it's too confusing and jarring, as we always say.
when we are in a dissociated state though, where we're NOT "in the body" physically but we're "driving it like a giant robot," i.e. we're all upstairs and feeding data & commands into it, THEN emotions can get through because they're not hitting the obstacle of fronting. does that make sense?
things make more sense to us as data, it seems, even emotions. but data gets wrapped up in intuition for us. emotions can be felt if there is no "body awareness" getting in the way. emotions are completely separate from the sense of self. it seems. it's strange but interesting.


I realized a thing today. People always talk about how they love animals, etc. and I never understood that. I never really liked animals.
Then I visited my bro in his apartment and his cat (Mooka Mcgonagall) curled up on my feet and I just wanted to pepper her little cat face with kisses. Just because. And I realized that I never really had experience with being around animals in such a non-demanding context, so I never knew that I COULD like them, because I was so used to feeling "indebted" to them, like I couldn't just care for them, I had to be a slave to them. I always felt like that with people too. I'm not sure how that all started. But I found it interesting.

Javier fronted for a minute to say hi to the cat and he said a few sentences to the bro without announcing himself. But he was grinning so much, it was great.

 
----------------------------------


A SUDDEN REALIZATION:

SPINE IS SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE OF HOW THE BODY MUST BE VIEWED.
viewing the body as a "person" or "self" makes it ABUSIVE, PROUD, AND SELFISH.
viewing the body as a "vessel" or "vehicle," AS A "SKELETON," gives it the vibe of patient calm gentle discernment that SPINE HOLDS SO STRONGLY.
THIS IS WHY SHE'S IMPORTANT. SHE IS THE CORRECT BODY MANAGER.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm very stressed out today.
when i'm very stressed i start sef-abusing massively
i've been throwing up for about three hours straight
for the sixth day in a row at least
this is bullshit
but i am so stressed its horrible

i got a "job," it's not so bad,
hopefully i can get away with only working 4 hours a day at first because otherwise i think ill crash and burn
but its the same as the other jobs we had
when we get home we just
self abuse
and cant really function because "work is tomorrow" and we can't "get out of work mode"
so we dont sleep
we dont eat well
we dont get anything done because we're too busy tearing ourself apart
and we shouldnt.


im not afraid of dying
im not
i think it would be nice about now
but for now we do have to live.
so welll keep this job for now. get some money to get things we need. help the father.
we'll manage
its a no-talking job so we can talk in headspace or watch leaguestuff upstairs if we need to



i just need to handle stress better.
need to learn that ITS OKAY TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
you are allowded to leave that cursed house
GO OUTSIDE
or
GO IN YOUR ROOM
AND PUT HEADPHONES ON
or exercise
or go on the porch and exercise
ANYTHING
JUST STOP FELLING TRAPPED IN THE HACK ROOMS


i am so sick sick sick
and scared
and exhausted
but i cant sleep the mother is sleeping in my room and i dont feel safe
i have to get up at 7 to go to work
i didnt sleep last night i was sick yesterday too
had nightmares all night about the old eros trying to hack me/us, mainly infinitii
and being in the kitchen and throwing up constantly
so that didnt help my sleep
god why am i so terrible at holding jobs why does my stress level go through the roof
i want to throw up again

im sorry.
i will try
i will go in tomorrow and do my best
i just need to learn how to cope.
i need to learn how to manage this stress OUTSIDE of the job.
when AT the job i'm mostly fine. problem free, unless i start dissociating massively.
but going upstairs helps. or watching the league helps.
it also helps not having to talk, like i said, its just me and like three other people tops
but
when i leave, im so burnt out,
no matter what i do,
whenever i go out in public i get burnt out,
i get home and i just start self-abusing.
why
why
I DONT WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE.

like i said, i have to just... decompress when we get home.
say "to heck with it" and just listen to music or something for an hour first
to calm down, to get a grip
its just tough, having to switch from one mode to another to another
all the switching and fronting and stuff
THAT'S exhausing.


therapy today was bad because thanks to work we went in in a numb state
and couldnt get out because we were so dazed and overwhelmed
she said she seriously thinks we have aspergers
i said that was a diagnosis in the past, so
she also pointed out the ptsd stress problem
where our stress level is always at 11
but that's become our "normal" so it feels like a flatline
and we can't "feel" any overarousal or even emotion in an overwhelmed state
until something catches us off guard or we have alone time
but she thinks that's what's happening with work
i dont know
i feel like a freak for all of this
i want to make some money so i dont have to borrow money to buy food
i dont want to be scared of buying healthy food because its expensive
i want to be able to eat without exacerbating our illnesses
its terrible
but i will try.
thank god my current boss is my dad and he's understanding enough
so yeah
i worry too much maybe

really i think the only reason i'm freaking out is because our brother showed up at the job today
started screaming and yelling and swearing and throwing things and stomping around
it got us really scared and uneasy and worried
we tried to talk him down, but he was foaming at the mouth really, giving us death glares
i know someone neutral was out, then kyanos came out and just held peace for a bit, radiated it
so i dont remember much of the day as a result of that meltdown
i feel bad but what do i do? what can i do?
it burns me out, i got so shaken up, that's probably where the stress is coming from


sorry. it's late and i dont care really i can operate on little sleep i hope
i need to exercise, i feel so sick i am honestly frightened,
sorry.

i'll do better.

 

 

 

if you don’t know something yet, YOURE NOT READY TO KNOW IT YET.
it's PROTECTION.
D.I.D. is a protection-based condition; alters exist TO protect the core/host/etc.
if a certain memory/ datum/ etc. will allegedly harm or otherwise damage them, it will be HIDDEN FROM THEM
it does not mean you are a "failure" for losing time/ forgetting things/ etc.!
nor does it mean you are a "failure" for not having solved everything yet
there are LAYERS to things that are only encountered WHEN THINGS STOP BEING HIDDEN.
if you are missing a LOT of time, DO NOT EXPECT THAT TIME PERIOD TO BE "HEALED" YET.
chances are it is NOT because something in it is being HIDDEN FROM YOU for a REASON.


☆ fear layering? multiple people being triggered in different ways by the SAME THING
e.g. the "kitchen incident" in slc; feeling trapped, fear of abuse/assault, etc.
but that fear came from SEVERAL SOURCES
the children were afraid for totally different reasons than the older kids were afraid!
they experienced different contexts, memories, etc. but they ALL FELT FEAR. it got blended.
so you cannot assume there is "just one reaction" to things like that. again, there are layers.


hardest thing to accept= that the people who hurt us through ignorance CHOSE TO BE IGNORANT.
therefore they will probably NEVER APOLOGIZE because they WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT DESPITE HAVING "GOOD INTENTIONS", THE THINGS THEY DID WERE FRIGHTENING/ HARMFUL TO US.
so have compassion.
yes it was damaging but they could not accept that? so they turned away and refused to acknowledge any pain.
long story short do your own healing work. don't expect them to play ANY part in this anymore.
they do not need to, and it is rude to expect them to, even if you feel you need closure.
it's not going to happen. that time is done. they have moved on. you must too.
let go, let go, let go.
we do not want any further ties to that time period (it is not ours and holding on to it is holding us back), but we are currently unable to let go completely because there are still lessons we need to learn from it, things to heal.


☆ re-enact ALL traumatic stuff in SLC with Amara/ etc. (introjects????) to HEAL THAT.
react in the way we WANTED TO. ASSERT YOURSELF!
we cannot change the literal past BUT we can get INTERNAL CLOSURE where external closure is impossible
i.e. in situations where we dissociated/ blanked out/ shut down instead of speaking up or moving to safety,
we need to forgive ourselves because AT THAT TIME, SHUTTING DOWN WAS OUR SAFEST OPTION.
WE WERE DOING OUR BEST WITH WHAT WE KNEW AT THE TIME.
remember we didn't even know we HAD D.I.D. back in 2010/2012!!! so "switching" AND dissociaton was totally alien!
therefore. forgive yourself. you were just trying to survive. even if what you did was unwise. you were too scared, you didn't know better.
BUT NOW WE DO.
now we are older, we have grown, we have knowledge and wisdom.
SO NOW, WE WOULD NOT REACT THE SAME WAY IN THOSE SITUATIONS!!!!
that is where the guilt/rage/sorrow is coming from. it's cognitive dissonance, and feeling 'trapped in time' as a result.
SO. mentally "relive" those memories and CHANGE THE ENDINGS.
express what you desperately wish you had expressed.
do what you desperately wished you had done.
YOU CAN DO IT NOW. YOU COULDN'T HAVE THEN. THAT IS THE KEY.



☆you can't hurt someone emotionally unless you are TRYING to!
people can get offended but that is THEIR REACTION.
(we keep forgetting this applies to others; we think we are explicitly at fault for everything they do/say/feel)

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ANYBODY DO ANYTHING. IT'S ALL THEIR CHOICE!!!"
this applies to you too dude
HOWEVER.
people can STILL push your buttons. some people know what will trigger you and will do that on PURPOSE.
but you need to figure out how to properly react. a knee-jerk reaction does NOT have to be acted upon.
you can LEAVE, to take care of yourself and the cause of that reaction properly.
you are NOT OBLIGATED TO LET PEOPLE MANIPULATE YOU just because they know HOW.

saying things like "you may feel hurt by this, but that is not my intention…"
indicating your motives?
letting sensitive people know beforehand that you DO NOT want to harm them; if they think so it is projection.


ALSO. as of late "projection" has been huge?
thinking of the tibetan book of the dead with this, "angry gods" and consciousness
still thinking "the world is gleefully waiting for us to fall?"
old fears still stuck. afraid we're not "good enough."
really this is because we KNOW how to heal but we're doubting ourselves, not taking those steps, we're repeating old ones, WHY?
be brave. you are ALLOWED to be healthy. you are ALLOWED to be happy. you are ALLOWED to heal.
you are not obligated to suffer.
we feel like dirt compared to our brothers; we feel like filth, like we're unworthy and disgusting and embarrasing to the family,
we're utterly ashamed of our medical and psychological problems, we know it's a stress and burden on the family,
so we're kind of going in torturous circles here?
"that's all you'll ever amount to, you're not worth any better, you won't get better," etc.
so we think that's true.
guess what IT'S NOT TRUE
"YOU ARE WHO YOU CHOOSE TO BE"
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO BE
THEIR WORDS ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY THE GOSPEL TRUTH JUST BECAUSE THEY SPOKE THEM.
OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT INFALLIBLE.
IT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOUR FAMILY TO BE WRONG ABOUT YOU.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO THINK DIFFERENTLY FROM YOUR FAMILY.
IT IS NOT WRONG TO HAVE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES AND OPINIONS.
you know what you need to be healthy.
you know what you need to be happy.
DO IT.


the therapist agrees:
"we are our own missing link"
the KEY to health
the KEY to recovery
IS INTERNAL COMMUNITY.
just like the song lyrics
"our strength is in communion"
we exist together because, for whatever reason, our body/mind/soul/etc. decided that OUR EXISTENCE was the BEST CHANCE FOR SURVIVAL.
and we have gained so much wisdom.
IF YOU'RE DISCONNECTED, YOU CAN'T TAP INTO THAT STUFF.
so stop ignoring headspace and trying to be "normal" already
stop ignoring people when they talk to you
stop following old outside behavior patterns

why are you so scared to be true to yourself???
are you scared because you know someone will yank you out of it eventually and you don't want to deal with the physical world?
well here's what to do
tune back inside first
get your grounding
find your true north
put down your deepest roots
heart is where the home is.
THEN you can face the outside world and NOT GET BATTERED BY IT.
you need solid ground in solidarity first.
that's the key
we can do this together
you don't have to do it alone
you're not alone.
you're not unworthy.
you're part of us, too.
and we know you care for us as much as we care for you.

and for the record,
with all the reset attempts,
nothing has ever stuck.
truly,
it's impossible not to be "us."
so don't be scared.
you haven't been abandoned.
we will always care.
you always have love and support in here.
don't turn your back on love when you need it most.
you're worthy of it.
you're worthy of it.
all of you, yes, even you.
even you.


(11:11 typing this in.)


don't be afraid, we can do this.
we can do this.
we can do this.

and don't say "i can't."
you're never alone, you're never helpless.
you're an important part of something greater
and you are never without help.


have hope. have faith in this.
no matter what happens,
at heart,
we'll be okay.
we'll always be okay.

 

Guys I have to show you the snow today it was HEAVENLY.



I want to go outside and run in it forever. This is the sort of weather that just makes my heart burst with joy, it makes me so blissfully happy no matter what.
It is how my soul feels, in the inside. Exactly so. It's this... incomprehensible fragile intricacy, all that ice all over the trees, the fine lines of black against the crystal chill... like lace, like little fractals.
It's powdery too, which means I can go outside and run in it, and it feels like magic. I did that today. I will do it again tomorrow.
Oh yeah, about the pics. Photo #1 is the "favorite cherry tree" in the foreground that some social(s) have mentioned before. Past it, that dropoff is the "back hill" that we dream about sometimes-- in dreams there's a full river down there, and typically lots of wolves.
Photo #2 is another view of that hill, straight-on
Photo #3 is the front ledge where we stood in this dream, with the ice bubbles. Behind it is Diamew.
Photo #4 is the front hill straight-on. That hill is the entrance to There in dreams; there's usually a huge fallen tree across a river there, and it's much steeper. Again, Diamew is barely visible in the far right.
Photo #5 is the area beside the garden, which in dreams is the road to Ephenburgh. It's also where we used to explore in the childhood, although memory is sparse. There's just a feeling of rich depth to those woods, how far back it goes. To the left there (back in the woods) is technically Orocell, a sub-area of Diamew. There's a fallen strangly tree there that landmarks it.
BUT YES we live in heaven and it is so nice you have no idea how happy I am about this. I even found a candy cane in the house and even though I couldn't eat it it felt like Christmas, legit.

Song of the night, because I can, here you go. It sounds like early happy sunlit mornings. Even though it's LATE LATE. But it matches the smile-peace of late hours pretty well too. It's that delicate time period... late night, early morning. Quiet and soft and clear. Morning just has that bit of a bright sparkle to it, like that song! But it'll be here soon enough, haha. Let's be asleep by then, I hope.

Mage Angels jumped me with ANOTHER plot-changing revelation yesterday, so I was up until 4AM researching all sorts of stuff, stockpiling global maps and ethnicity data and bits from the Book of Revelation. It's exhausting. That series has a weird "feel" to it right now, a tiring feel as well as a too-much-data one. I need to tune back into its story, or else it will become so intellectualized I'll lose sight of its truth. Intuition is key with writing these things; the best bet is to just relax, open a figurative door/window, and see if anything comes in. Trying to "control" the growth or information just makes everything false and wrong. So I should maybe put this on pause soon? I can't force a break-- it'll stop talking when it decides it's done, not when I decide-- but I'll see if any other World wants to sing just as loud.
Dream World never stops, of course. There is SO MUCH SHEER WORLDBUILDING that needs to be done for it, but I'm not really diving into anything else UNTIL I finish this bloody Typecode system, good heavens. It's making more sense lately, though, the more I "get out of my head" when working on it... I need to stop treating that stuff like "game mechanics" because it's NOT. It's an element of their lives. It's organic, and heart-based, and it's not as set-in-stone as my organizational brain might want it to ultimately be.
The other perpetually-being-worked-on point is the spiritual/religious system there, what with the Prophets & Seers & Guardians and all that. It's very interesting, and I keep finding out more about it, almost daily. I really really love the individuals who hold those roles in the "story," so I'm enjoying this work no matter how massive it is.
Also, E, I am working on your art request but my deciding who/what to draw unexpectedly triggered a hugely vital bit of plot development, and my workload kind of exploded so I'm sorry for the delay. (thank you though, i've been trying to fine-tune this particular bit of stuff for years.)

In therapy we're finally talking about family problems, although Monday was messy because the topic was so instantly "traumatic" that DREAD switched out unannounced and really worried the therapist (he doesn't respond or move). Then "Hatchet" (miss "manic red," she's working with us more actively now since she feels her existence is threatened if she doesn't; to quote her she's "throwing [my] lot in with the lot") fronted for a WHILE (again) and honestly I'm still kind of shocked at how fiery she is. She's aware of the floating voices and the trauma and the like, but she will not tolerate it and actively expresses rage against it being "ridiculous," even if she "feels sorry for" those who are still enduring it (she can't really comprehend the "bluer" emotions (green and up) well, it goes against her function). Basically she DOES have potential to be good, and she is acting on it, she just needs to grow into it more. There are so many social splinters, it's confusing. We're learning constantly though.
Jay also fronted during therapy and mentioned the whole "visual aid" thing, in light of how most of us don't announce ourselves upon fronting (due to always being in "stealth mode" for safety's sake, as well as because of the ignorance of most socials of awareness of the Spectrum itself). Sherlock's glasses were mentioned, as was his beard. The therapist also brought up Laurie's posture (she owns every chair she sits in) which is one of the "loudest" visual affectations any of us have when fronting.
I forget what else was mentioned. It was mostly struggling to discuss the family topic. We talked about memory loss and massive depersonalization from the "past life" as a result, etc. I think on Thursday we are going to make a super-strong effort to actually discuss trauma. The psychiatrist emphasized that too; she's acutely concerned about us (if we're judging her behavior correctly) and told us specifically to "open up more" in therapy, which we promised we would.

We're a little scared because we've been "beating up the body" lately too much, through deprivation and passive abuse and the like, and it's starting to get sick. However there IS a silver lining to this; we are at a point in our development and healing where this feels like the "end of the line," the final stamp on our struggle with this situation, forcing us to review what we learned and stamp it into solid practice immediately.
Looking back on just the past 4 months, even if we've felt stuck, with how difficult a lot of this stuff is, there is still a surprising amount of visible and measurable progress. That means a LOT to us, to be able to SEE a shift in the right direction even if we've felt like we've been going in futile circles. We haven't been. So that's good. Again, we just need to really "lock in" that progress now that we have it achieved.

There have been two "hacks" in the past two days. They're shrouded in numbness so we can't talk about them right now. Jay and Laurie also think we should use a different term for "hacks" of that sort, as they don't follow the old 'format,' so to speak... Laurie says they're more like Trojan horses. Sneak attacks, almost. More like... an attack that doesn't bleed, and might not even hurt much, but that still does serious damage. It's a Plague hack, not a Tar hack, essentially. I guess that's the most accurate differention we have, haha.
Even so we might try to have a small Xanga session tomorrow, for the sake of getting a grip before therapy. There is at least one social who admits sabotaging our efforts to do that, but she's learning empathy so maybe we can reason it out with her.

 

We need to sleep now though. We're only going to get 7 hours, tops, as it stands-- tomorrow is the huge errand day, as the grandparents get their paycheck and we can FINALLY buy food (March was hell; our pipes froze and we had to spend a ton of cash on laundry).
I'm still in debt for that same reason and that is worrying me but I am going to TRY commissions soon. I just need to be very very clear on what I will NOT draw, because the last few attempts collapsed for that reason. Art should be about joy and creativity, not stress and worry and stepping all over my personal integrity.

EASTER IS COMING and that is super fantastic glorious. It feels like it's going to be significant in a quieter way this year, but no less potent. We'll see.
I find it terribly ironic that Chocoloco is, quite literally, a chocolate rabbit and yet he threatens to strangle me every time I so much as look at Easter candy. I'm glad he's that loud and insistent though. There are still lots of younger socials who don't realize sugar is a threat because they interpret it as sweetness in a psychological sense and DON'T KNOW how "food" even works. So we'll need to talk to them too, if we can reach them....
Geez there's so much work to do inside too. No wonder we're so worn down. We haven't taken a break since the surgery, and even then it was short-lived; we jumped back into daily life as soon as we could. But I think we need to learn to rest. Safely.
That too, reminder-- safe exercise was brought up today, what with "compartmentalization of functions" for that very purpose, and how VITAL that compartmentalization is to our well-being. Also remember Hyakinth's real job, that's a whole new ball game too.


Okay, it's 1AM. Good night everybody.
Enjoy the snow if you have any where you are!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God help me I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE.

The mother keeps saying "I'm sick of all these medical bills" but when I tell her I'll just stop therapy she says "no, you need to go, I'm not going to put up with this." She's tired and angry. I remember her telling old therapists, "do you see what I have to deal with? I can't handle this!" The guilt and shame and self-loathing are extreme. I don't want to be sick.
The grandfather is saying, "is therapy even going to help you?" I said I don't know, I hope so, but I was determined NOT to need it, to be strong enough not to care. But I was still struggling with dissociation, and things like that. Said it was making me scared to drive lately, not knowing what year it was, let alone where I was. He replies, "You're going to need a nurse 24/7 for the rest of your life, if you're going to be like this." And I know he cares, they all care. But it hurts, I hate myself, for being "ill." I don't WANT to be a burden on the world anymore, or on myself.

I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!!!!


Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can.


Am I "sick?" Is this all "fake?"
The therapist gave us a xanga session for homework. She did. She specifically wanted us to talk to each other before today. Laurie was ecstatic, people were planning topics, but I secretly stood off to the side, and I said no. I said no. NO.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE REAL OKAY????


God what do I do. What do I even do.
We keep reading books, spiritual books, research books. Jewel's doing a lot of Dream World work lately so she can draw things, which is amazing, the instant she starts to work progress just happens, instantly. Every single day it grows more, which is good, because when this stupid trauma happened in 2003 or so the story got put on hold. Not so anymore.
But there's the thing, that stupid "trauma," in the "old days" with Julie and the first teenage Jewel, and guess what? WE CHOPPED OUT THAT TIMELINE. IT'S GONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK ALL THE RESETS WERE FOR.
Delete the trauma, delete it ALL, right?? Then you never have to worry about this STUPIDITY anymore!!

Except that's not what the book said. Except when we read that line in the book, we couldn't help it, our eyes watered up and we pointed to the page and we exclaimed "that's our mission!" and it felt true. terrible but true.
"When a soul chooses to participate consciously in more inclusive levels of interaction, it becomes capable of participating directly in the liberation of its family, or its group, or its community, or its nation from the negatives that are present and active at those levels. It also runs the risk of contamination by those negatives. In other words, a soul that seeks to bring a higher quality of consciousness to a more inclusive level of human interaction runs the risk of being contaminated by the fear, or the anger, or the selfishness of that level. Great souls... run the risk of great contamination. At the level of soul contact, a great soul deals not only with its own fear, its personal fear, but it also takes on the evolution of the collective fear of the species. The weight of that is where a great soul risks contamination on a great level, but its possibility of releasing the fear from the collective consciousness of the species becomes also possible."
I don't consider us a "great soul" like the great Teachers, heavens no, we're too banged-up for that, we're too troubled. Maybe in time we can heal ourselves to such a point, but who knows. All I know is that in reading that paragraph, I felt a direct reflection of whatever it is we are going through. "Yes, that is exactly what we're doing and experiencing!" It was a recognition.

But God if that's what we're doing, If THAT'S why I'm/we're SICK-- if that's why I have the guts to even admit there's a "we"-- if we took on this trauma to heal the collective fear and pain tied to this sort of experience, on however small a level... then please, GUIDE US.
You're already helping us, we know. But damn it it's scary. And... I keep rejecting help. I keep getting... contaminated.
It's an ugly word. But it's true.
Help us with that. Please. Help us with that. Help us get rid of the contamination. If I have any prayer at all, that is it. That is it.

The daemons help in their own way. So do the floating voices, weird as that is. So do the darker Jewel Monsters that tag along. Problem is, a lot of them-- most of them-- work through the old childhood thing of "learn through fear and doubt and pain."
Isn't there another way? Please, help us open our mind(s) enough to see another way. Please.
We must hold to light. We must hold to light.
And there's so much of it in here, that's why I'm frustrated and heartbroken, because there's SO much LIGHT in here, but that damn contamination, that damn Tar, that damn Plague...
Damning anything won't help anyone though.


god I don't know. I'm sorry. I need to get ready for therapy, I have to leave early, I can't type anymore here now.
Sorry everyone for being a mess. Maybe I'm a contaminant.
But I want to help. I sincerely want to help. I'm scared but I don't want to sabotage this anymore and I DON'T WANT US TO BE SICK ANYMORE.
If there's a way for US to be healthy... if there's...
...

If there's a way for me to be a part of us,
if there's a way for us to exist without trauma, at all,
let it be.


Jewel sees us in third-person. She sees us bright and colorful and destined for liberation, already redeemed in her timeless sight, never lost or broken at all, just on the road forwards...
She sees us as something complete and good, somehow.

...Other people do too. Somehow. Somehow. They've made me aware of that.
There are people who know our System and I know they're reading this and... thank you?
It sounds ridiculous and whiny but it's all I can say. It's the only thing that crackles out in words.
I can't really see that. I'm stuck in this bad state, currently. I want a different "anchor." But seeing there's still something good in here helps.


I need to stop typing. I'm making myself sick. No wonder the other people in here are suffering. I feel sick, to be around. My vibration is pretty low with all this depression and rage. No wonder people don't like me being out. Problem is I'm stubborn, I don't let other people be around, because I don't want there to be "other people," because I'm scared of not existing.... even though I don't want to exist anyway... it's stupid.
Maybe I'll talk about this with the therapist today.

Goodbye, that's it for me typing right now.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

@ 01:21 am

 

 

So, LYNNE FRONTED IN THERAPY TODAY and it was VERY SIGNIFICANT ACTUALLY.

She stuck around for a while, at least five solid minutes. Centralites don't typically front at ALL, let alone for that long without a Social pushing them out, or them being called back Upstairs.
In the process, she realized something that I was reflecting on the whole drive home.

The people inside, those whose roles are almost exclusively for our inner world... are somewhat detached from the physical body as a whole, to the point where they might not understand exactly what's happening with it.
The therapist was asking us if we felt anything while reading this entry, as she knows many of us struggle with understanding/feeling emotions. And there was emotion welling up, at that last paragraph... there was a tangible heartache in the chest, something real and strong and sad. But there was a glass wall between it and the body.
We realized that the "AP" is still a thing, albeit a thing that is somewhat different than we previously thought. It operates almost like a "conglomerate;" it is not a bundle of programming, but it is not a person either. Instead it works like an "empty entity" that takes simultaneous influence from all of us inside, all at once. It's tricky to put into words. But, when faced with that question, it said no-- no, it did not personally feel any emotions, BUT "there were still emotions being felt." It explained that it itself neither felt nor understood emotion. HOWEVER it was clearly aware that inside, other alters were feeling emotion, and there was also that original author's emotional residue. So that emotional feeling existed within, and the AP was aware of it... but it was like it was behind a pane of glass. Recognition, observance, knowledge was there... but no understanding, not personally so. No empathy, not personally so. No feeling. Does that make sense?
Laurie must have tried to front for a minute. There's vague data of her shifting in the chair and thinking, somewhat boggled, "the body is too small for me." But then she was gone, leaving an oddly shaken aura in her wake.
And then... Lynne came out. She said she had come out to spare Laurie the trouble-- "she's secretly the most emotional of all of us, I think." She explained that Laurie had seen more of the downstairs troubles firsthand than anyone else in Central, had worked with the Cores closely enough to understand their pain, to really be able to empathize with that entry's author, to the point of pained tears and anger.
And then Lynne paused, saying... "I can sympathize, but I can't empathize. And that makes me really uncomfortable."
She sat there for a minute, feeling her overlay-- the long curly hair, the difference in her eyes, the difference in her form-- to keep any Socials from pushing her out. I don't recall exactly what she said next, but the sentiment is clear. She wasn't used to this.
It's so important. It's so important, and I cannot BELIEVE we didn't quite grasp this before.
Inside, we've been "slacking off" because most of us DON'T GET IT. We DON'T understand what the Socials and other Downstairs voices are going through. Most Centralites have NEVER eaten, or spoken to the family, or been sick, or felt retribution, or been in the presence of a hacking influence. Most people inside don't even know what it's like to be IN a physical body, let alone a physical life.
Here we are wondering why we haven't been able to help, why the lower-level alters are rejecting us, why we're so confused and at a loss as to how to progress... and that is why.
We always used to wonder at how other Systems functioned, when they were "out" all the time. That was alien to us. Our life... our situation didn't allow it.
But that's new, too. Our life. Our past. Our body. Lynne noticed it too. Those of us inside... we didn't think like that. We called it the body, or the physical family... we always held it at arm's length, always at a distance, like we were watching a film. Always too detached from it.
We forgot, or maybe we never quite learned in the first place, that we are ALL SHARING THIS LIFE. We might pay that fact lip service, but that's about it. Most of us have never FELT that truth before, like Lynne chose to today, and rather courageously held on to.

It's huge. I'm having trouble putting it into words.
But again, it feels deep, like it's an ancient obstacle to our growth and healing that only now has been realized. And that makes a lot of sense, because as they say, a house divided against itself cannot stand. That still counts, if you don't realize you're even sharing a house with someone. We're on the second floor and we've somehow been virtually ignorant of the fact that there's a whole damn other world DOWNSTAIRS, too.

It's going to be interesting. I remember reading First Person Plural, how much of an impact that book had on us... how one of the biggest pieces of advice the author got was that he had to learn to trust his alters, to let them out too, to let them be a part of their shared life. The more he ignored them, the more he kept them inside and forbade them from LIVING in the "outside world" as well as the inside... all of them would suffer.
A System is a System. Ours works differently than his, in the book, but at heart it's always close enough. We need to unite our levels better. We need to start using the stairs again, so to speak. We need to bridge yet another gap, haha.



In other news.
Jewel has spent the past two nights solid researching Egyptian myths, religious virtues/vices, and Biblical prophets for the sake of Dream World. Kid goes hardcore, what can I say. But we're making lots of progress there. We're proud of her, for never giving up.
There's SO MUCH to read though, geez. It's exhausting. If there's one thing Jewel needs to learn how to do, it's take a break. The word "moderation" doesn't seem to apply to her creative ethic, and that's a problem, because then she gets burned out and projects collapse halfway through the research phase. Seriously you can't expect to understand everything in one sitting, you can't read five books in one day. It takes time. You're tied to Cel; go talk to her about that maybe. Patience, and prudence. Focus on one bit at once maybe.
There's another bit of bleedover. She's blind to us mostly. She doesn't realize, either, that her overworking the mind is affecting us, too. She reads for hours, and then leaves, and our internal environment gets so wound up from the sheer amount of input that it takes nothing short of immediate meditation to heal. Just "unplug" for a bit and let the head decompress. Problem is we haven't been giving ourselves time for that. We keep getting more and more work piled on us. The desk's a mess right now, it's not helping.
Bottom line here: slow down, Jewel! We know you want to get work done, but it's impossible to get it ALL done AT ONCE. You're in this body with us, and it needs to be taken care of. Let it sleep and rest.

...We're also thinking about the thing that our still-unnamed alter wrote, earlier-- the bit about social contamination.
It's scary, actually, to realize how accurate that is. We spent way too much time "socializing" since college, even if it was just burying ourself online in the misplaced desperate obligation to be "normal," or "good" according to God-knows-what code or creed. We got lost. Very lost.
We need to crack down and re-evaluate our ENTIRE moral code right now. We need to sit down and discuss what we value, what we protect, what we strive for, what we stand against, et cetera. And then we need to focus on that, we need to re-affirm that daily, we need to practice that truth. We need to live our Virtues, so to speak. We need to go back to being US, to being the rainbow-true System we are at heart, and have lost sight of lately. We've lost coherence, but we can heal that. So that's our job. Easter is fast approaching, but we're going to push our personal "Lent" until the body's birthday (a month later), as things have been very rocky since Ash Wednesday and we want to do better.


There's still a lot of psychological resistance in this head that is tied to the Downstairs. It's all fog, it's all steel wool.
There's so much old, internalized shame and pain, it's sabotaging a great many efforts. "We want to be good," one says. "No, we ARE good," Jay steps in. And then the damaged lower ones shout, "no we're not, we're EVIL!"
Why don't they allow healing to happen? Why can't they accept that healing, that they CAN be good, not "evil?" Why do they cling to that self-hatred, to the bitter resignation to the lie that they "can't improve?" Who told them they were irredeemable? Who crushed them under that falsehood?
We have so much virtue in here, so much light, but we also have so much vice and shadow. How much of it is "ours" and how much of it is introjected, taken on out of force, out of shame, out of fear?
Contamination. Spend too much time in the abyss and it begins to leak into your bones. Our socials, the damaged ones, spent too much time mired in what "other people" said and felt, all that bitter blood and hate... they began to forget who THEY were, outside of that, before that, after that.
Solitude is a virtue. It really is. There's nothing wrong with it. We really need to allow ourself(ves) to have it again, paradoxically.

Sorry this is mostly repetition. It just gains extra layers of meaning every time it is re-discussed, I've noticed.

It's late and we're tired and I'm tired of ignoring the sadness that comes up at this hour, the sad soft things in the shadows that want us to pay attention to them. Laurie still wants a Xanga session, and that may be the best thing for us right now. There are too many loose ends around us, too much unfinished business and ignored troubles. We really have been slacking off. That changes now, if I have anything solid to say about it.

It might snow tomorrow. Last snow of winter, maybe. You can bet I'll be outside to enjoy it, no matter what I have to fight to get there.

Good night to all of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts at 12am, forgive my personal posting but I'm tired enough to give it a shot right now:

Today (well, yesterday) was SERIOUSLY productive and I am very happy for that. I scanned 65 pages of my bro's old comic so I can adapt/update it for "extended universe" stuff before the original gets destroyed. I also did a ton of tiny design sketches for monsters I don't have "official art" of yet, which was a big to-do list item that I'm thankful is done now. It's also fantastically cathartic to just draw and not care about it being "perfect;" fun scribbles are something I NEED to do more often for sanity's sake.

I will never not love John Mitchell's voice, not just for the tonal quality but also because I discovered It Bites a few days before I got sent to the psych ward in 2011, and having "The Tall Ships" album stuck in my head for that week was profoundly comforting. I'd stare out at the hospital parking lot and just listen to This Is England in my head and it kept us going.

Therapy is today. There's no preset topic, but we had "homework" (which was kind of existentially jarring to think about) and the therapist has a lot of questions she still wants to ask. Plus... the System's already both comfortable and stressed enough to front without warning during sessions, so whatever happens today, it will be interesting. Spice came out like a shot last time and ranted for quite a while; honestly I was shocked because she's never spoken in public before, but she was furious last week so it was to be expected. And really I prefer people who "shove" their way out; it hurts far less and isn't as confusing than having to "move out of the way" as someone else is walking in.


I've finally started watching Steven Universe again, as I saw the first 6 episodes as they aired (I've been a fan of Rebecca Sugar's work from 2009 or so; never forget Pug Davis) and then sadly slacked off. I adore this show, it's so cute and creative and fun. And the soundtrack is wondrous. There's a new episode airing today so I'm looking forward to that too.

Xenophon stuck around for a bit this evening and was watching me browse pictures of fancy-ass houses over my shoulder. She likes this room the best.

Valentine's Day is this weekend and I really should draw something, aroace or not. Holidays are good timestamp anchors and celebrating this one in my own way-- especially in light of recent personal events-- would be nice. Regardless, Easter is coming up and I ADORE the entire Easter season, Lent and all, so I'm excited. It always carries great significance.
Plus, Infi's birthday is on Good Friday this year. Well then.


All right, now it's 1AM and I fiercely need sleep. See you kids another time.

 

 

 

thoughts from today.

42 graves= "life, the universe, everything"
i sat and just felt that for a while
we don't look at the body much, those scars feel like they're from a whole other reality, but that hit home
remember what xenophon said

bodymap w/ lungs= ocean caves? felt during meditation in therapy. kyanos hangs out there apparently
AQUA "floatspace" ocean? been suspecting that for a while
BLC original shore!! also balance across from B-G-W slots

 

 

 

therapy today.
woman works with sheppard pratt apparently, said she's effectively going to be using the same treatment plan with us now. it begins with coping skills, mostly grounding and establishing safety. we've never had a therapist set up a "plan" before so this is exciting.
also we handed her the rough system lineup she asked for (she wanted names), which of course we had listed under colors. i said we thought very visually and she said she did too, then she handed us some crayons and asked us to "box in" each group of names with that color so she had a ready representation. then she was on the phone with the insurance people while we were scribbling away with crayons. it was really fantastic actually.
we're seeing her again on thursday, can't wait, she seems legitimately eager to learn and help and she is both nice and educated. plus she apparently works with the ISSTD, which is icing on the cake. we'll do our very best working with her.

got some food today, stupid damned floating voices made me turn the freaking car around TWICE to go back and buy some shit they would NOT shut up at me about, even had the nerve to throw a line of synchronicities at me that were very loud, all saying "buy it" (or you'll regret it). so i did, aaaaaand guess what, when we ate it later (only a bit!) we got TERRIBLY sick, honestly it hasn't been this bad in months. so yeah screw you floating voices.

oh yeah. and we also forgot.
sugar = hacks. apparently salt does too, it all ties into the crushing nausea and pain and feelings of filth/ unworthiness/ rage/ sorrow that such foods elicit in the body and mind. so those damn voices basically pushed us into buying a hack, i am so angry, i am so tired. i need to stop listening to them. i need to tell the therapist about them, first opportunity we get. they still insist they are god but they are NOT, nothing from god acts like that, i know that. they cannot be truly moral because they have no empathy. they do not have my best intentions in mind, they only want me to obey, and submit.
i read a quote like this on tumblr yesterday.
"The only people who talk about sacrifice are assholes. The government talks about sacrifice, and about the ultimate sacrifice. Sacrifice has to have PURPOSE. Sacrifice has sacred utility. The Holocaust had no purpose. Dying for a cause can have purpose. But most of the time when the state speaks of sacrifice the state means THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME EAT YOU."
that's it in a nutshell really.

on that note here's a weird topic. its been weird in general lately, hacks are either totally nonexistent or utterly horrific, but in the downtime im seeing more clearly. they cannot touch me easily anymore, i'm learning to fight again. i can see through their lies now, now that i'm being honest with myself, now that i'm untangling confusing things from their snares. and it is confusing. we're still flat-out asexual and repulsed, we don't need to bloody test that anymore to know it for sure. i dont give a damn if others demand justification for our orientation, they have no right. but even so, we are confused, because i STILL have that childhood lingering need for affection, for platonic intimacy, for some sort of close caring that i've never had much of in a true context. that's why relationships are tough, that's why i only really feel safe around infinitii now. but i still have that sad, sad need, that inner child so neglected. i keep thinking of the child in the manger and maybe if that was symbolic, a loud call from the universe to take better care of that part of our psyche for once. we keep ignoring it, treating it like our birth family did. "grow up." "don't be a crybaby." "don't bother me." "don't talk/ think/ act like that." emotional stunting. anyway thats old news.
point is, that is conflicting with the weird wants that showed up during high school, when genesis showed up. realizing that yeah we still wanted closeness but if we were allowed to be more demanding, more selfish, we... wanted that affection to hurt. remember how around that same time, we were convinced we were some sort of masochist because we were obsessed with pain? and laurie still bears the scars from that bullshit? how they used us. how they used us. i am so sorry. but it's true, the pain is sacred, the pain was tied to "caring" in the childhood punishments that became her anchor. and we were never truly able to unlink those two things. to this day, sharp pain is something i need in a physically intimate situation. not sexual. intimacy is NOT sexual and i despise being told that for years. no. any time my walls are down and i am breaking from honesty and someone loves me i want it to hurt, i want there to be pain, some sort of catharsis that isn't flakey or shallow or dramatic. i want agony and i want it to be sincere.
but lately in light of religious stuff and infi by extension, that's expanded to embrace the self-annihilation drive, the need exclusive to myself, to melt into other people and things and so be devoured. and yes, with infi sometimes i beg for that to be literal. ever since that one morning i wanted hir to eat my heart, to purify it like ze did the energy ze swallowed, ever since then i've had this stupid lingering want to just be consumed by something greater and brighter than myself, some sort of religious ecstasy of destruction. and not personal either, i never like when people pay attention to me in those situations, no. no, just let there be blissful pain. bring everything up and out, scrub this ribcage snow-clear. crunch my bones between your teeth. something.
it all boils down to me not wanting to be a person, why the hell does that always come back. am i that tired? am i that in love? i don't know.

the past four months or so i have been following the bullshit newage regime. they say "enjoy pain" but there is a fine line damn it. they say that if you are attacked, if you are raped, just surrender and let it happen! "don't make it a problem," they say. and yeah that's just fine and dandy if you want to live a bleached-out super-happy void life, that's great. but i'm telling you. i've been strangling my negative emotions for months, just like that. "let everything happen," they said. and i didn't realize that in truth, that means to let the outbursts happen too. when i was attacked, someone said "don't resist!" but what if my inner child is screaming, huh?? what if she is scared out of her mind? what if he is sobbing for help? "don't resist" WHAT, pray tell?? that includes THEM, too!!! god damn it but you were painting over my soul in the process of telling me to be a bland smiley-face sticker. "don't resist," fine, that means that from now on if heartspace wants to jump out then I am LETTING IT.
the therapist said that too, something i forgot. when children experience trauma, some of them think "bad things only happen to bad people" so they reason, "i must be horrible for such a horrible thing to happen to me!" and that poisons them. i said something to her and she responded with that, said that's how i'm thinking, i agreed. but it made me sad, i read that in so many other accounts of D.I.D., how children would be told that they deserved what happened to them, to break them into little pieces. it's so ironic, heartbreakingly so, how my pieces were the first people to tell me i didn't deserve that abuse.

i didn't tell you about roxie. oh gosh i love her she's the cutest thing. she's a little deer i found, a little jingly bell deer, she's so soft and the sweetest tiny thing. i found her upstairs in a box and she fits in my hand and she is my friend now, she's on my desk. she has antlers though, that's cool even though she's a girl, so obviously she's trans like me haha. but really she's so nice.
she isn't in headspace yet, not really, just in flickers. it's been AGES since something like this happened, an outspacer walk-in of this sort. i miss it! but we don't know what color she is. green, strangely, feels close. red or brown maybe, but there's a strong green pull even though there's none on her. we'll see.
aaanyway. after finding her, i kept getting deer on my tumblr dashboard. i wondered about it then, looked up what the deer means as a totem animal. let me post a bit of that.
"From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness."
"Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanour, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally... Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves."
"Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion."
You get the picture. It's all intuition and gentleness and innocence and regeneration. But it's so accurate, not just to the vibes Roxie gives off, but also to where we are in our life journey right now.
I've been treating myself, and this body, like shit. Pardon my language, but it deserves that. It's awful. But it's true.

I lost my train of thought.
This is another mindspill, this entry. Better than nothing though! I need to just get back into the swing of updating again, after such a long forced hiatus.
I just do not like focusing on the negative. I don't. Energy goes where attention goes, the strength of anything depends on how much and how often we focus on it. So maybe the deer message is the best. Instead of anger and fear, can we be gentle instead, and get a better result? Let's do this RIGHT, let's do this with pink and aqua and violet hues, not the colorless rulebooks they sell us. Let's be kind, let's be loving, like we are, yeah there's dark stuff in our past but that's NEEDED, damn it that is NEEDED TOO.
I read an article in a Psychology Today magazine, in the therapists office. Basically, "why you need negative emotions." Why things like sorrow, anger, shame, frustration, boredom, etc. are important. They are signposts, they are pushes in other directions, they are sparks, they are important too! And here I am listening to people telling me, "no, only positive happy emotions are allowed! :)" ugh those smiley faces are painful at this point. I'm sorry but it's true. Why do they anger me? Because to me they are masks. No laugh-lines around the eyes. It's that awful sort of forced smile people make when they are being condescending or hiding hatred. That's what it feels like, those emotes, in those sentences. Emotes can be genuine in other contexts but nope, not there. So there's my explanation, that's why they frustrate me. I don't want to make that sort of expression, for me it's wrong. For ME it's wrong. That's my path to walk, for the love of God and his monstrous angels let me do my shadow work, let me adore my daemon again, let this System operate as it was meant to. Stop crushing the nighttime and wondering why we don't dream anymore.

Healing. Step one. 2015, another new beginning, another step up, a new mission. "Take care of yourself." Collective noun.
Surgery, a soft reset coming up next week. A new therapist and a new chance to grow. Feeling like I'm getting a new name too; it's been two years and that's the average time period for a Core so a morph might be in the works. We shall see.

It's 1AM. I just drank four lemons so that made me feel a lot less sick. Tomorrow I'm probably going to eat at least four cucumbers, this body is craving green stuff like mad so I should just let Emmett go to town. I miss him. I miss everyone.
I can dream, we can make that dream a reality. Yes there is lingering hurt from the dead timelines, from the old lives, but that's all in lower levels now, and it's feeling more flowy. It's not tar-sticky anymore, for the most part. Some of it is, in parts, but it's like we can still remove it easily, if done with care, and understanding. We can do it, we will. There will be a day when we can all live as a System and not have to do this bloody trauma work anymore, because it will be healed at long last. We are building that day every day, bringing it into existence.
The hardest part, though, is overcoming obligations. Ironically. I get stuck in "repeat behaviors," in loops that hurt me, because (as I said) I am not doing much self-care at all and I've been tossed about by voices, so I don't "fight back" and say what I think is the best decision. It's tangled and really the problem largely does not exist when heartspace is active, plugged-in. When people are around, we know what to do. Even if some of us are lost we have wisdom, we have knowledge. Just reminding myself.
So smarter choices. Every day, a bit at a time, being more self-respectful, and brave and daring too, for that sake.
1:11 right there. "Pay attention to your thoughts, for your thoughts become your reality." Good reminder, thank you.

Now it's late so I apologize if I've left anything un-concluded, but I do need sleep and I'm tired. I don't want to keep rambling when I have no real desire to type at the moment. I'd rather type when I feel a real drive to do so, not to just take up space.
I hope all you readers (the not-so-invisible audience!) are doing well. Have a good night.

 

 

 

 

TRACK 04 (august 21st 2014)

(Jay) It is August 21st, it’s a Thursday, we are out of therapy, this is Jay, hello. Um… things that I realized in therapy today. *laugh* We were discussing… mindsets, unhealthy/healthy whatever. What I took-- let's put it this way. Here's what I took out of the session. Most important thing I can remind myself is… I am my own person, I am a unique expression of God, so to speak… y'know, I am my own facet of this great universal gem… I am not obligated to copy anyone else, nor is anyone else obligated to copy me. If somebody else has an interest or a feeling or an opinion that is different than mine, that does not make it a sin for me to hold something different. That is not "causing conflict." There is a difference between conflict and-- what would you say, complimentation? A complementary thing? Different aspects? I mean, think about a piano and a violin. Uh, a piano is playing those strings very differently than a violin is playing its strings. They make different sounds. Does that mean that the piano is wrong, it's playing those strings wrong? No. It-- the way-- kind of music it makes, the kind of performance it has, is different than a violin. If you-- there is nothing wrong with saying, "no, I don't need the sound of a piano in this song, I need the sound of a violin. I'll use the violin." Or, there is also nothing wrong with saying "well, I'm not really a fan of the sound of a piano but I love the sound of violins." Problem is, my brain has basically learned through… association or repetition or whatever, that if I say "well, I'm not really a fan of a piano," or, "I don't really like the way a piano sounds," that translates to: "the piano is wrong. The piano is bad" I don't like it, that means it's bad, it's wrong, it shouldn't exist. That's not true! But, see, my brain can't understand what "dislike" means. "Dislike" means, "you're rejecting." And rejection means that you are basically saying "no, I don't want this thing to exist." And why else would you-- so that's how my brain works. My brain can't understand dislike. So when other people say "oh I dislike this," my brain is like, "you"-- my brain automatically thinks what they're saying is, "I would rather this thing not exist. I reject this thing." That's not what it means! But my brain says "well"-- so, so that's the thing. I struggle with the idea of disliking things. Which is why when I do dislike something *laugh*, like I'll say "well I dislike…" and it's, it's-- for me, it's, it's-- really, it's an innocent opinion. "I dislike…" let's say, model trains. Power Rangers. Stuff like that. Reasons why I had problems with Q and Mel. Q loves, his model train. He loves, y'know, his TV shows and his role-playing tabletop games and his videogames. He loves that stuff! And I'm like, "I can see why it's interesting." I-- on one level, on an intellectual level, I can definitely see why this is interesting, and I can appreciate it. It's cool. But I don't see-- that's the thing. "Like" and "dislike" are terms I don't like to use! So, I could say "well, it's not that I like it or dislike it, I am utterly neutral when it all comes down to it! I can say, "I see why this is interesting, I can see why you would like this, yes, definitely." But it's not for me! It doesn’t match with my strengths, with my personal interest groups or whatever. If I did it, I just wouldn't get any joy out of it. There's nothing wrong with that. I am not "morally flawed" for not enjoying putting together a model train set. but my brains says "no, you have to be able to enjoy everything." …I can't force myself to do everything on the planet and yet my brain says "yes you do." I don't. But it feels like that, I'm rejecting model trains. That anyone who-- and maybe that's a telltale sign. Maybe, maybe part of my brain is rejecting these things. Maybe part of my brain can't understand and so it, in a way, filters out people who like them? Because it feels that if I say I… because if I were to accept that other people like these things, automatically my brain would say, "uh-oh, you can't dislike that, you have to be one of these people who does it all the time." It's black or white thinking. That's-- that's the problem! I'm either rejecting myself, or I'm rejecting somebody else. That's how my brain sees it! Holy crap. That needs to be fixed. That's a very unhealthy mindset.
Okay! Number two, uh, that we need to figure out, and which actually plays into this. I was talking about the example of, the kind of reactions I-- I personally need from people? First off I'm going to say, it is NOT right, that is one thing that is morally not cool, is if I say "well"-- *pause, phone ringing* I don't know what that phone number is, I'm not going to answer it. Um, that's like saying, "I know I need this sort of reaction from somebody, so I'm going to pull their strings until I get that reaction." NO. Thing is, I know how to do that. I have enough experience and self-awareness to be able to toy with people if they're not paying attention. That's morally wrong. I don't want to do that. However I know how to do that to myself, that's the problem. All right let's not talk about this because I'm starting to slip into Plague territory. Okay. What I want to say is: I know what sort of reactions I need. I know if I'm not going to get that reaction from a certain person or whatever. So, in those situations, I have every right to say… I can get up and leave the situation. Like talking to Mel. I know I am not going to get the response I need from Mel. I'm not! I have the right to say, I would rather not talk to them about this. And my brain keeps telling me "no. You have to. You have to force yourself to talk to them." No! Because what good is that doing? The flaw is being put in me not wanting to talk to them because they don't, they can't give me the thing that I need. My brain is saying, "why the hell should you need a specific thing from them? You take what you get, and you shut your mouth." That's basically what I was taught to feel. And… I have to get over that moral quandary, because-- all right, let's give an example. The sort of support that I need I get from E. Like 100%. So I don’t need to talk to Mel about those things. But Mel is insisting they need to talk to me. So I have to view our relationship like that. I'm helping them, and I'm getting helped from somebody else. If I view it that way, y'know, no love lost anywhere, there's no problem! But, my brain keeps saying-- keeps feeling like I'm obligated to act a certain-- no one is obligated to do anything and I need to just-- that is an ugly word, get rid of that word, "obligation" is a very ugly word. Um… what else was I going to say. I'm starting to get… these words are very uncomfortable. What I wanted to say was-- the one thing I do need, that would basically keep me from getting into weird situations and uncomfortable situations with anyone else on the planet… what I ultimately need from every interaction ever, ever, is questioning to the nth degree. Which means you question, and you question, and you question till you can't question anymore and then you question some more! *laugh* It's basically… you analyze everything you're-- no. Analysis is the wrong word. It's more of… ask questions until you reach an answer that you don't have to have an answer for, if that makes sense? It's more of-- you get to the bottom of the things, you find the center of it, and then you know what you're doing. It- it's very much non-verbal. But that's what Xanga sessions are. That's what it used to be when I used to talk to Laurie, is that.. . I'd have a problem, I'd say "dude, look, this is the problem we're having, this is the concern we're dealing with. All right, now what?" I'm not looking for an answer! I'm looking for more questions! Everyone else who I talk to outside seems to think that I'm asking them to solve my problem. No! I'm asking you to add more questions to the bin *laugh* so we can solve these things! Like, Laurie would be like "okay"-- that's the-- right, I'm not even going to ask her. She says she needs an example. But that's basically the thing, we just need questions, questions, questions. So Xanga sessions need to start happening again, 'cause without them therapy is not going to get anywhere and it is bloody hot in this car, so I'm just going to stop talking and we will finish this later on.
Part two, forgive me. People-pleasing needs to stop, I need to find the mindset-- we're going to, again, have to question this until we find it. The mindset that that's born from. It's the feeling that as soon as another human being is in the vicinity, I have to drop everything I'm doing, everything, put on a smile, and basically go into the mindset of "oh, how can I help you? *laugh* What can I do to make you happy? What do you need from me?" Automatically assuming that all the attention is focused on me. And, one, the job enforced that, the original job that-- I don't know, that enforced that terribly, and I don't know if there's any household emphasis, don't know, doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that part of my brain is convinced that if a human being is around me I have to drop everything I'm doing and cater 100% ot their every whims. I'm not allowed to be an individual, is what it's telling me, and that's false. My brain is somehow hardwired to believe that when I'm around another person, I have to be almost in symbiosis? No, not even symbiosis. More like I have to be an extension of the other person. Because symbiosis implies that there are two individuals working in harmony. An extension implies that I am nothing more than a mirror, than a copycat, than a parrot to them. That I am mirroring back to them exactly what they are, what they want, et cetera. I am no longer a person. And I think that's why I don't… I kind of balk at the idea of channeling? Cause it's the idea of, "well regardless of why you incarnated here, you're no longer an individual. You're just our mouthpiece. You're an extension of us. You are no longer a person. You are just a radio that people can tune into to hear us talk. When we're not talking through you, you're just a dead radio set. You're nothing. You're an empty box until you get our signal." That's why-- that's why I'm iffy about it. But that's how I feel around other people. And that's a very toxic mindset and I've got to let go of it, but, yeah. Well figure this out. Not now, cause I'm sitting in a hot car, and whenever I'm talking out loud into a voice recorder it goes right back into that people-pleasing mindset. Because it's all very much action. That's a key thing! When I have time to sit and think, I get places. When I have this voice recorder in front of me, every pause is viewed as, "you're not supposed to be pausing. You're waiting their time. You have to fit the mold of somebody who's being a radio voice, of being a vlogger, of being somebody who's talking, making an audio file"-- it's fitting the context! And the context of these audio files is, "you keep talking. You keep the conversation up." And I don't like that, because then you can't think. I need break times. These things are just for saying the main thing, they're not for solving problems, because by virtue of talking, I cannot solve problems. While I'm talking, my brain is basically in… speech mode. I can't think. I can't think and talk at the same time, that is a fact. So I'm going to hit stop, now that these things are written down…and we'll figure this out later. Bye.

 

 

 

I'm used to the "correct, polite" response being "ignore your troubles, paint on a smile, and man the heck up" but honestly, that is an incredibly unhealthy mindset no matter what my family says.
I may feel filthy and ashamed for talking about this, but I need to. I need to express this, if only to get it out.

Phone call this morning, from the mother. She tells me that insurance is refusing to cover my therapy bills, and that I can't go anymore. She proceeds to sob to my grandfather how I'm burning through all her money, that I "won't get better" et cetera. Now the grandfather is angry at me, for "wasting my mother's money."
Nevermind that they both demanded I go to therapy twice weekly, and not to quit, because they both also insist that "I'm not making any progress" simply because I can't be "normal and healthy" like my brothers. I'm really sorry. I don't like being like this either. And I'm sorry you can't see any progress. Maybe the progress I've been thinking we've made isn't real progress. In any case I don't want to take your money anymore. I'm sick of being a thief. I'm sick of making my family members cry. I'm sick of being the cause of every fight and breakdown in this household, like I've been since my childhood. I really don't want to be that person. So I'll stop. I'll stop being such a burden. Somehow.
I'll stop it all, right now. I can stop. I'm sure we can stop. We got through college without therapy, for heaven's sakes, I'm sure we can do this. Laurie will get her wish, we'll have to go back to having at least one Xanga a week, no matter how psychologically tiring they are. Progress needs to be made somewhere.


I keep having sexually abusive dreams, to be blunt. They're horribly painful and I never feel rested when I wake up. I feel used-up and wrong and scraped-out.
I am so freaking sick of all these "spiritual people" telling me straight-up that I need to have sex in order to heal, in order to fully integrate positive energy, etc. I am so wretchedly sorry that I can't. I'm scared, it hurts, I don't want it. I don't hate it anymore, let anyone else do whatever they want, but please, for the love of the God you and I are both trying to reconnect with, don't tell me it's my only option. It can't be. I hope to heaven that it can't be.

The family money problems are making it worse. I'm trying not to panic, but the pressure keeps rising on all sides and desperation is starting to creep in. Yes, I trust the universe, but... it's scary. I can't deny that.
I really don't have much left to sell. The manga from Spinny's teenage years is still here, I'll try to sell that. But that's it. I keep trying to draw, for the sake of commissions, but everything comes out looking like a 5-year-old scribbled it and although that's fine for me, I can't exactly make money from it. I don't think so. I'm not sure. I'll try.
...But the biggest frustration is the label everyone else puts on my worth, as a human being. Do you know what I've been hearing, almost constantly, since elementary school? "Oh, it's too bad you're sick... you're so pretty!" All the time. My "prettiness" dictates my value, apparently, just as strongly as it negates all my troubles. It seems that, if you're pretty enough, people will gloss over everything not pretty about you.
I dont' want to think about this. I'm tired of people telling me that the only thing "sellable" about me is my looks. Basically, go sell yourself; there's an audience! There's a market!
And I've been considering it. God help me but I have been actively considering it for MONTHS because I can't stand seeing my family suffer, and I'm not sure what else to do for income. But I'm terrified. I keep telling myself, "you put up with it for years the way it is, didn't you?" But I don't remember those years. And the very thought of reliving it makes me shake, and sob, and want to die. Then I go online, and someone is talking about "sacred sex," and I swear I do not want ANYONE but Infi talking to me about that subject, and I don't want hir touching me either.
I skipped my trans* support group last week. I did. I felt horrible, but I skipped it. Last time, there was one too many lewd references, and although I know it was meant as a "joke" I really don't want to expose myself to that. I felt unsafe. I feel stupid and wrong just admitting that. Why the heck would I feel "unsafe?" I don't know, maybe because my subconscious likes to store that shit and it puts down really ugly roots after so many repetitions.
And yet I can't run. It's everywhere. It's on every website, it's in every crowd. I want to cry, what do I have to do to heal this, so I won't be so incapacitatingly terrified?
You know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of people using me for that purpose. I know exactly what "sacred sexuality" is and it has NOTHING to do with "sex," at least not in my book. I'll work with sensuality until the end of time and I will enjoy every moment of it, but the second you try and touch me under the pretense that it's "holy," I swear I'm going to let Wreckage or Razor or Sugar out to deal with you instead. I'm sorry, but I can't.
I'm scared of how disrespected and disfigured sexuality is in today's world. Infi is furious at how irreverently and nonchalantly that topic is thrown about. I understand. I actually do, now that ze's around. But... I'm going in circles. I don't know how to protect myself from that without putting up walls again. Should I? Would that be wiser? I don't want to let that perversion into my mind, for the Tar and Plague to grow from again. But is that horrible resurgence only happening because I'm so scared? Because part of me is so terrified, it is trying to claw its way free, and tripling the pain? Is the struggle my real damnation here?
I want to let go, let go, of all of it. I'm trying. It just keeps following me. There's some sort of lesson I keep missing, even after all these years.
That's why I'm in therapy. I'm trying to talk about this. I'm trying to release all this pain, and hear responses that we couldn't think of on our own, because we don't have that perspective. I can't get that from my family or tiny social circle. No one wants to hear it. And yes, the progress is slow, because I am choking on shame and guilt and fear and self-loathing and crushing doubt, but we're moving, bit by bit. No one else can see that. I'm so sorry.
But I can't go anymore, regardless. I need to find another way of healing. I need to be brave. I need to do this on my own, on our own again.


I realized yesterday, when talking to Genesis and CZ, that I keep dissociating when in public because of how I feel I HAVE to respond in order to stay "safe"? I never noticed it to this extent before, but Genesis kept calling me out on it, and then it clicked. My instinct is to smile at people, to immediately start interacting with even total strangers on a level of close friendship. I automatically and instantly trust people, and I expect them to respond to me in kind, with that sort of sincerity and openness and active recognition of my status as a blessedly living thing. We're all God's creatures, you know. But then I smile at someone, expecting a genuine smile back-- the kind that is meant, and not just parroted-- and all I get is a blank stare, or a judging look, or complete ignorance. Even though I know they're probably acting that way out of fear or "social norms" or distraction, of course they aren't doing it with malice... still, it's a brick wall instead of a handshake, or even better, an embrace. And then the dissociation kicks in, my own smile turns to paper, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. I'm learning, but that snap-back isn't easy.
Nevertheless, that's obviously why I'm terrified of this sexuality thing. Like I said, I don't touch the physical aspect of it, and don't want to. But I have no problem with intimacy, with the "sensual" aspect of it, with that sort of complete open-hearted trust and vulnerability. I love that, it's arguably what I live for. Except a lot of people don't even realize it exists in a non-sexual context, and for a similar lot of people, a "sexual context" goes hand-in-hand with vulgarity, or flippancy, or objectification, or... well. Worse things.
So I know there's a risk. And I don't know if I even should present myself as-is, with that in mind, because I don't want to be taken advantage of again. Where is the line, between prudence and fear? How much of myself do I have to hide in order to stay safe, to be wise? I don't want to. I shouldn't have to. That sort of conscious obfuscation goes against my very nature. But I don't know.
I want to talk to someone about this, besides my therapist. Maybe we really do just need to start talking inside more... but again, that's almost unnecessary. I DON'T have to hide, in the inner realms... at least... wait, that's a good topic to segue into. It's the most painful one I have and God knows I want this settled, without any bitterness or regret.

This quote just showed up on my Tumblr dashboard and I think it summarizes the problem well:
"We assume others show love the same way we do — and if they don’t, we worry it’s not there."
I told my therapist yesterday, that my brain struggles with the very concept of "relationships" because of how that term was defined in my past.
If someone "loved" me, they were either using me for lustful and malicious ends like Julie... OR they were using me as a codependent attachment, like my family.
Furthermore, I was always told that if someone "liked" you, it meant they wanted a romantic relationship with you. I was told that I couldn't have "just friends" because that meant I was "blind" or "lying" or otherwise unaware of the "truth."
All my "friends" who were younger than me, would use me. They'd steal and break my possessions, they'd order me around, they'd physically attack me. All because they "wanted attention" or wanted me to DO something for them. All my friends of the same age were either romantically interested in me, or too close to that for comfort.
I don't want to talk about this. It makes me ill and sick to my stomach.
The point is... I'm still learning that I CAN have friends who don't want to date me, or have sex with me. I'm still learning that I CAN have friends who aren't just my 'friends' because they want something from me, or worse, because they want me to dedicate my life TO them. I'm so used to that.
Genesis and CZ can act like that a lot. They both have emotional issues dealing with self-worth that cause them to look to me for validation, or something. Genesis will want me to act a certain way, and when I can't, he gets angry. Same with CZ, but he gets sad more. The problem is, it's "I want you to respond to me in a certain way because that would make me feel loved." THAT'S the context they recognize love in, personally. But I can't always speak that language, so to speak. I can't be romantic. I've tried, and it sabotaged me, you all know.
My problem is that I feel no need to be in a relationship at ALL, not in that way. I don't like attachments, I don't like having that label to live up to. I don't like knowing someone has feelings for me that I can't reciprocate in that way, or receive in the sincere way they deserve.
So yes I love them. It's just non-romantic, and it doesn't need reciprocation. I've given that a lot of thought and it's true. Yes, it's nice to know someone loves you, because then there's a mutual compassion between the two of you, and that's beautiful. But when someone is in love with you, it gets weird. When someone only shows their love in THAT context, I get acutely uncomfortable, I get bitter, I get angry and sad because I can't understand that sort of love and I am so sorry that I can't. I can't even tell the difference anymore, in other people, because my brain flat-out can't comprehend one of them. How can you know the "difference" when you see only one side?? So I jump to conclusions everywhere, to their benefit of the doubt, according to the only option I've been given, according to what I can't see but have been told is always there. "They're in love with me." And most of the time they are. And it's beautiful, that they feel that way, but I can't... I just can't understand it, not like that. I can't give it back to them either. I feel like I have to, but I can't.
That's the problem. That's what I've been denying since 2011 or earlier, with those two. No matter how heartbroken it makes me feel, I cannot give them the sort of relationship my "past selves" may have been able to give them, but that doesn't diminish the amount of love I have for them. I'm not Eros, I'm not Spinny, I'm not Jewel. I can't be romantic, I can't do the whole "boyfriend" or "husband" thing. And yes I love Xenophon, but I just don't think I can be the "father" she deserves. That breaks my heart more than anything, but she deserves so much more than a confused man trying to fit the label and failing. Bottom line, I need to stop forcing myself to perform according to what's "expected" of me. They don't realize I'm doing that-- no one ever does, upstairs or downstairs, because I know exactly what people want from me-- and when I admit it they're hurt, they're confused, "you mean it was all an act?" No, it was just a mistranslation. It was me forcing my honest affection into a format you were comfortable with, because I love you, but not in that context. Unfortunately that context was what you wanted, sincerely, but the problem was that you wanted it from me and I cannot give that to you. Find someone else, please. You deserve to be happy. So do I. This isn't working.
I adore these people, I really do, but I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again-- I cannot handle close relationships. They wear me out.
"You have to love so that the one you love feels free." And both parties deserve to be free. I keep excluding myself from that. I feel so selfish every time I say "I can't do this, this feels wrong somehow," and then the awful cycle starts again, with me forcing myself to act against my best interests "for their sake." It's all because I'm still convinced that "they love you, so you HAVE to do everything they say." Honestly, that's getting really close to emotional manipulation whether either party realizes it or not. I just... how can you tell if a relationship is toxic or not, if you really do love the other person, and they really do love you? If it's genuine, but it still doesn't feel right, and it's still exhausting... how can you tell if it's something you should let go of? I don't know whether I want to stay or leave anymore. I feel stuck, obligated to continue what those before me started, to the letter. I'm just afraid because my brain says "leaving means you don't love them," and that's not true. Leaving the relationship means I'm now free to love them WITHOUT the jail cell of partnership expectations around me. I hope. Geez I have such a bad track record of unintentionally harmful relationships, this is such a tangled mess. Friends, family, partners, coworkers, etc. Everyone always using me as the "go-to guy" for whatever they needed, emotionally or however. I had to be able to give, give, give, no questions asked, "because I love you," "don't you love me," etc. and the problem was... they could give that back if I needed it, but I didn't. What I needed was something they couldn't give, just as I couldn't honestly give what they needed either. It's always been like that. It's so frustrating. I've always been "broken," always been "a freak," always been explained away as a "medical malfunction." They say "you're SUPPOSED to want sex, and romance, and relationships." Otherwise, something is "wrong" with me, in a fundamentally massive way. They defined "humanity" as "the ability to feel romantic love," and when I couldn't, suddenly I became less. I became a robot, an unfeeling thing that they could not trust or get close to. I am fully capable of love and compassion, just not in the way you're expecting me to. But even I doubt my validity now, and it's sick. It's sick.
I'm so, so, so tired. I want to live without having to constantly gauge my actions depending on "how they will affect those people." Can't go here, say this, do that, etc. because no, all your time HAS to go towards this relationship. Honestly? I don't need it. I never did.
I have enough self-love to last me a lifetime. All I want or need is an audience for my work. I don't necessarily want "friends," I want to give my creativity to these people and watch their eyes light up over it, watch them take it and let it grow. I don't want to be some personal point of focus. I want to be a wellspring. That's all.
Sorry for rambling over this again, I'm just exhausted and I don't know where to go from here.
That's a toxic paragraph, is what it is. Can I just leave it there, and not re-read it or anything? I need a break. I need a break from ALL this relationship stuff for a while. That's why I've been avoiding headspace, truth be told. What do I do?


David was triggered last night, by something, some sound the grandmother made maybe. Jeremiah jumped up and was standing with his arms out, like he was ready to stand between hell itself and that little boy if need be. I spoke to him for a bit, I remember noticing that he and the two children still lived 'below the ground,' halfway between the Underground and the 'Midspace' level, the ground level. They slept in a small space, where Jeremiah said nothing could reach them unless it went through him. It made me sad to see them still living so afraid, he said it made him sad too, they didn't want to be this way. I said they didn't have to. He said maybe not, but as long as there was a threat to those children, it was hard to act fearless. I said I understood, wondered how I could help them feel safer then.
David was pretending to be asleep, he figured he'd be safer that way. I asked him if I could help him feel safer right then. I forget what the immediate response was, but I ultimately created another security blanket for him-- a fluffy blue one with snowflakes on it. I was 70% asleep at the time so I forget what I said exactly, but the blanket had a special power. If he held it up between himself and an attacker, it would "send snow to their heart," not to freeze them, but to surprise them and stop them in their tracks, surprised by the sudden tiny feeling of ingenuous cold. Like snowflakes, tiny and innocent. And it would make them reconsider, and leave him alone. I also said that if the need ever arose, David could "call me" through that same snowflake blanket, as I was tied to snow. I remember Jeremiah was smiling at all this, I felt bad that I hadn't been doing more prior.
Javier showed up for like 30 seconds at one point too? Before we went down to the kids. He too was mostly asleep, it was adorable. He reassured Jeremiah and then went back to sleep, sorry I can't remember dialogue. I do remember finding it amusing that he slept with a face full of piercings, of course he has no other option but it was funny to see.


I'm trying to get a job. The therapist has been discussing that with us for a while. Our biggest concern is still, "what kind of job can you hold that isn't going to cause psychological overload, and/or a relapse?"
I've tried to hold several jobs over the years. Some lasted longer than others. And yeah, maybe I could bite the bullet and continue in a high-stress job, but considering that I'm already contemplating suicide just to take the burden off my family, I think adding a soul-sucking job to the mix would be a bad idea.
I hate admitting my failures, my weaknesses, my flaws. Which is surprising, as I am aware of them; I seek the shadowy things out because I want to get better. But actually admitting them outright? It's like shining a spotlight on all the reasons why my family has to suffer, on all the reasons why I hurt other people, on all the things standing between me and the "good people" of the world. I'm so scared to, because I'm afraid of looking in the mirror and realizing just how ugly I really am. But I need to man up. I need to just... look. I need to admit that I'm a mess, before I can start trying to fix that.
I can't deal with sensory overload. Either I break down or shut down, when it gets too much. I try not to, but it's involuntary. Too much sensory input, either sound or light or touch, and there's either going to be an explosion of stress, or I'm going to dissociate entirely. I need a job that isn't going to be deafeningly loud, that isn't going to involve people shouting at me or trying to talk to me every five seconds, and that isn't going to batter me with tactile input (I know some people touch you to be friendly but that is still hard for me to deal with in automated situations so please forgive me).
Fast-paced jobs are the same, because my brain needs a lot of time to process data. Even with my own work, I might have to re-read something five times before it registers. And it might take me hours to do one simple task. It's hell sometimes, because it's horribly frustrating to feel so inadequate and slow, but otherwise nothing gets done at all. So I also need a job that isn't going to force me to work so quickly that I can't comprehend where I even am, let alone what I'm supposed to be doing.
I remember cleaning the photo labs at the university... or at least, I remember the data for it (there's no 1st person data at all, but the vibe is solid). Three hours, in dark quiet solitude, just cleaning the equipment. I remember the smell of the stuff, I remember the color of that tiny orangish light. But I could do that for hours and never get tired, or overwhelmed, and people praised me for what a good job I did. It worked out well for everyone! My performance wasn't suffering, and so I could GIVE more to people.
I don't mind "manual labor." I PREFER it. I love working with my hands, doing things like sorting or building or cleaning. It's like stimming, in a way. Sensory input-- especially tactile-- demands my total attention or it doesn't register, so when I work with my hands it's almost fascinatingly grounding. But the catch is that I can only deal with one sort of data at once. If I'm trying to listen to something, I can't touch anything, or I won't hear. If I'm working with my hands, I can't be listening to anything, or I'll lose any clear sensation of touch. Sight is weird, as it takes effort to concentrate that along with other senses, but I can do it-- as long as I don't have to talk! You get the idea.
I like moving around too, I like standing and walking. Sitting down makes me depressed and sick. Even at home I have to stand to use my computer.
So there's a list of things I'd like in a job. Am I being a "special snowflake," am I being demanding and prissy and selfish? Maybe. But I also know that if I sacrifice my mental health for the sake of a paycheck, NO ONE is going to benefit from it. If I'm going to be working for someone, I want to be able to work to the best of my ability, I want to be able to exceed expectations without burning myself out. I am a hard worker, I am a dedicated worker, and I will go the extra mile whenever possible, as long as I am not making myself sick in the process. That's all I ask for. Please allow me to have a healthy work environment, and I will make it worth your while.
I DO want to work. I'm not lazy, I'm not selfish, I'm not a waste of space. I keep hearing that but I know I'm not, I don't want to be. I just need... I would like to have a job that makes me feel like I'm really helping, like I'm really contributing, and that requires that I'm not emptying out my mental reserves just to get through each shift. That's all I'm asking. I hope that's not too much to ask.
I'll keep looking. I'll put out the effort and intention, and trust in the universe to deliver. That's really all I can do here. It knows better than I do, with the bigger picture.
That's making me feel more hopeful. I'm glad.
I'm not going to dwell on this anymore, not now. I'm going to continue with my therapy homework-- emotion logs and job hunting, fun stuff actually-- and try to take it easy for today. I have $150 of emergency money right now, thanks to a beautiful friend of mine donating it (seriously God bless you, you have been such a source of hope in my life whether you know it or not), so that's at least some stress of my back. Worst case scenario, it'll pay for some therapy, or the electric bill. But in any case it's a huge help.

However... I don't want to "work in order to pay the medical bills, which I got from trying to stay mentally stable enough to work in order to pay the medical bills..." ad infinitum. Life is so much more than that. Yes, my family insists to this day that "life is work and pain and then you die" but it's NOT, it can be so much more.
My problem is that I don't know how to tap into that. What brings me joy? I don't know. What do I enjoy doing? I don't know.
I'm so used to acting on obligation and expectation that it's hard to tell. I keep trying to force myself to get back into art, but that's the key word: force. I don't know why, but art holds no joy for me anymore. Seeing ideas appear on paper does, but that's always so detached from the process. I never remember drawing things, it's like they just appear in my workspace. I'll keep trying to draw though... I'm the only person who can get the ideas in my head onto paper, or so they say, because every time I buy a commission it turns out more accurate than I could do on my own. But that takes money!
It's ridiculous. If I had extra cash to spend, it would all go towards other people, at this point. I'd give it away left and right. I just... don't want anything anymore. I have no desire for possessions. Years ago I realized that the only reason I even bought clothing or collectibles was because I had no other way to say "I like this idea! I support your work and hope you create more." So I'd end up with tons of stuff I didn't want or need, because I didn't know how else to say "thank you for putting this bit of your imagination out into the world." Just for their own imagination's sake.
Of course, money always has to go towards daily needs... nevertheless, I could have all the money in the world, but it won't do me any good if I can't eat anything. That's exhausting problem #2! I get maybe 1000 calories a day, tops. The docs are starting to get worried because every time I come in, I'm lighter than I was previously. I wouldn't complain, except for the weakness and brain fog and low blood sugar. I don't like feeling so tired. But I don't like how sick I get from so many foods. No one knows why! I've had all these tests done, I've had bloodwork, I've had surgery, still the problems won't go away. Everyone's shrugging and saying "it's psychosomatic" now, and it probably is at this point... but where do I start?
I try to think symbolically. I've read enough spiritual stuff to have a good idea of how alternative medicine views certain troubles of this sort, although that can be even more of an obstacle sometimes (medical paranoia). And I know what internal problems I am still struggling with-- most of which currently involve independence, generosity, and fear of being taken advantage of again (esp. sexually)... all topics I've discussed today. I'm doing what I can. It's just scary, day by day, to never be sure.
Trust is big. Surrender is huge. Maybe I just need to meditate more, stop writing big jambles of text like this, it hurts my head.

I like being at peace. I like the quiet. I love being in this room, alone, or outside, in the sunlight and trees, alone. THAT'S what I miss about childhood, or at least from what we know of it. The youngest core was always playing outside, imaginatively, ALONE. There were no people ghosting with her, there were no voices shouting at her from the unknown, there were no headvoices talking and trying to front. It was pure, quiet, blissfully independent solitude. And I want that more than anything.
My biggest obstacle? After so many years have passed, part of me is scared to be alone, solely because of "the dark things that live in me." Honestly? Screw that. I'm not gonna let them touch me. I'm not even going to give them attention. If they rear their ugly heads, I'll look at them, see what they are, say "hm, I will deal with this problem then," and DEAL with it.
I need to stop thinking so hard. I'm fragmenting, the more I do this.
But I've... only ever been able to "deal with it" because of you guys, of everyone in headspace. Before them, the cores were stagnant, automated, unmotivated. It's only because of headspace that we've grown, together. Why the heck do I feel like they're holding me back? From what? Exactly what IS trapping me here? Is it just that feeling, that stupid conviction that I "must sacrifice all autonomy and individuality in order for the 70+ other people in this body to live through me?" Because that's what I'm doing. I'm "not allowed" to be uncomfortable with what they want, and I AGREE with that, because I'm being really freaking selfish in saying "no" every time someone else inside is trying to assert THEIR individuality. Who on earth gave the ego a monopoly on this body? Why the heck is it so difficult to live in cooperation here? I'm so tired, there's so many of us, I don't know how to live a physical life as a collective, I don't know. I want to just go inside and watch. That would be perfect. Jewel, THAT'S WHY YOU SURVIVED, you never had an identity either and you KNOW it. All you EVER did was "watch," that's what your Links WERE, that's why you have no memory of the body's past, you never knew how to handle it either! You're the one who wanted to "write a book and then die," that's STILL your motivation, you can't deny it, not when you are literally incapable of fronting in social situations. Don't you see? We're all we have, and the only reason I'm exhausted is because I've forgotten how to have this anymore.
I miss the heck out of you guys. I miss you so much. My heart is in excruciating pain every day from how alone I am, from how detached I feel from love and hope and progress, everything you are. But I've numbed out. I can't handle all that pain because to feel it in its entirety would kill me.
But part of me can't lie. Part of me still loves all of you, regardless of labels and fears and all that external bullshit, but that part of me only comes out late at night anymore, when the world is muffled and quiet and dark. When I close my eyes and forget everything else, you're always there, even when some part of me is furiously screaming that you're not, that you shouldn't be. That part of me wants to be alone forever. But that part of me doesn't know how to live beyond that instant gratification, beyond that concept of total freedom. It doesn't know how to be.
I'm scared to death of all the shadows we still have to sift through, but they are 1000% more terrifying when these spiritual articles are making me feel like I have to do it alone, like it's this damning obstacle and hard-as-hell challenge, something I may never succeed at, with the penalty of death. With all of you around instead... when I stop obsessing over religious perfection, and just go upstairs, somehow all those shadows cease to be morally humongous and I feel like maybe we're going to be okay.
So why the heck am I convinced that you're the stumbling block? Is it just because I'm sick of being sick? Is it just because my family keeps reminding me that I'm enough of a freakshow without the "voices in my head" that "need to go away" no questions asked? That's how I've been told to feel. I don't know if I have the luxury of saying no. But I want to. It's weird to want things, but some tiny powerful voice way down in my heart is saying it does want to be with you, all of you. It wants to stand in the face of all "common sense" and "normalcy" and "political correctness" and "moral rules." It wants to disregard ALL of that, no matter how terrified I am of the backlash from God I've been warned of, because there's a tiny tiny chance that maybe this love I secretly feel is the right thing. Maybe this weird, conflicted, messy as hell, painful but beautiful mess in our mind and heart is a good thing, or at least a better thing than this numbness and sorrow. Maybe.
I hope it is. I really do.
I'm just so scared.



I'm going to go walk outside, and finish reading The Neverending Story, and maybe listen to music later, if the mood strikes me. I love enjoying the results of other people's imaginations, I really do. I love being an observer. I just... I want to be able to observe my own work, if that makes sense? It's the only reason why I obsessively type and sketch and things, I just want to see something coherent and finished, enough to just stare at. Really, if I could just HAND these documents to someone else and let THEM write the story as they see fit... I don't think I'd mind. I might even prefer that. Some of these stories I've been writing for almost 10 solid years, and there's no actual story. There's just concepts, and data, and blueprints. I LOVE blueprints, I absolutely adore writing the spiderweb frameworks upon which a story can grow. But an actual story? Honestly, I'm not sure I CAN write one. I don't see or understand things the way most others seem to. I'm baffled by conversations, by character interactions, by family histories, by that sort of thing. I can write THINGS, not people. So stories confuse me, because I'm too busy picking out symbolic threads and idea chains and the like.
No wait, that's it! I can't do LINEAR stories. That was the issue! Mage Angels is DONE, the story is over, but it's like this: I know how it starts, I know how it ends, and I know the framework upon which everything inbetween hinges. I have no idea what the actual story is. I know NOTHING about the histories or personalities of the characters. And yet I love them, and I love the story, or at least what I understand of it.
Maybe that's why it's hard for me to interact with people. I meet people and I want to know their framework. I don't care about likes and dislikes unless you have a story behind them, something solid, something branching. I see people as characters, almost. I want to know what would be on your summary page, if I were to write it. What story are you living? What role have you chosen to play within it? What colors is your life painted with?
I can't answer those questions. I don't have a solid 'self' to answer those questions for. I'm an observer. I want to be the 'omniscient perspective,' the faceless and formless narrator, with no voice of their own.
I'm rambling again. My apologies. I'm not sure how I got into this topic!

"What brings you joy," they ask? That does. Watching imaginations bloom and unfold, that gives me joy. And honestly, these worlds within me, I want to see them outside of me, somehow.
I'm going to take small steps towards that. Just put the effort out, and see what happens. I don't care about secrecy anymore. Let it all go out there, let other people catch it and carry it. Let it become something greater than me, bit by bit, until it can survive without me. THAT is what I want. I want these stories to become independently existing things.
I've figured it out! Finally I can put words to that need.

All right. I do need to go walk, and finish this book. I'm not sure what's in this entry, ah well, what was said was said.
Best wishes to everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

Bit of an overdue update! Let me just write down what's important for now.

 

First, I forgot to write this down before but I want to record it:
A little over a week ago was Friday the 13th, which is Josephina's official "unbirthday" (he first appeared to us on one in 2010). So he and Waldorf celebrated by lounging around in Central, loudly singing this song and eating two entire boxes of chocolate fudge cookies (they had three, but I gave Xenophon one).
I just thought that was hilarious.

Algorith, David, and Marigold all fronted for some time on Tuesday or so? We forgot to update that day. That was important because it actually shed a lot more light on the roles of the children-- notably, more specifics on what they're afraid of, and why. David is infamously afraid of "the mother," but it seems his fears aren't rooted to anything we can find? And with recent events (she's been SUPER nice lately), he's starting to warm up to her, not as a mother but as a good person separate from the fears he's held towards her. That's really fantastic. Marigold, on the other hand, is the panicky one, but she's afraid of (again) some unknown threat from adult women? Like in general. But she, too, is learning with every non-dangerous exposure that she IS protected, and that she is not at risk, and the anxiety she holds is going down. I wish I remembered more specifics for that day but I apologize, as it's too long afterwards to reach the brief data anymore.

Algorith seems to be acting as a sort of "casual protector" to the two children; she obviously cares for them but leaves the actual close care to Jeremiah (everyone does really). Also, Algorith has a notable "accent" of sorts when she fronts. I have no idea what its roots are, maybe New York? Headvoices pick speaking styles out of the subconscious of course, that's where we're all from, so it's not too surprising when one ends up with a unique speech style as a result. But it's great to have her suddenly in the main awareness, as she was "in the background" for a while but she's awesome (and I am rather fond of her admittedly; mostly because of her role in this dream).

Headspace has been quiet otherwise? Has it been for a while? It feels like it, but I don't remember. That made therapy on Thursday very difficult, as the "no self" residual fronter (one tied to the body; it's female) was out for most of it, and she literally cannot make any forward movement as she is "unable to act without orders" due to having "no self"-- on that note, she openly admitted that the idea of being an individual was "incomprehensible," and that she DID look with that sort of judgmental attitude on OUR ENTIRE SYSTEM, which is where a lot of the previously unidentified shame/ guilt/ self-loathing roots are from. This fronter cannot conceive of having an identity separate from what they are TOLD to be, or "expected" to be in some context. So yeah, THIS is the person who virtually makes the body "shut down" when we're alone, if she's out. She cannot "be a person" if no one is telling her how, essentially. So, strangely, she's probably more of "her own person" in that therapy office than she CAN be anywhere else, as the "contextual expectation" there is for her to BE a specific, important part of our greater whole-- therefore she ends up actually getting an actual semblance of a 'self' as a result, whether she realizes it or not. I hope that makes sense in words!

Also! Same topic, super important. Thanks to her speaking up, that session ALSO eventually shed light on WHO the "self-destructive" person is who keeps trying to utterly annihilate all of our possessions, food, archives, etc… and WHY they do that. Apparently, there is such an old and deep rage towards being FORCED to "be someone we were not," i.e. the function the self-less girl holds, that it bubbles over every time it can? But it's a paradox, as the therapist pointed out that this same self-annihilation IS what we were essentially being "told to do" for years! "You can't do/ feel/ be/ etc. that way, you have to be what WE tell you to be." And so half of our psyche nodded and obeyed, unable to even feel its own emotions… and the other half seethed with utter self-hatred, wanting nothing more than to tear that imposed self to the ground so that something REAL and honoring of our own individuality could emerge. Problem was, that seems to not have happened yet? We still struggle with "self-identity," and that self-annihilation still happens all too frequently. However we are making lots of progress here and I am very happy to say that.

Fittingly-- almost shockingly so-- on Friday morning, the grandmother (the one constant in this house) went to visit her sister for three days. So, since Friday morning, she has not been here. Why is this important? Because we nearly had an emotional breakdown yesterday over it. For some reason, that woman is viewed as 1) a cathartic "externalization" of emotions we don't know how to express on our own (she is very high-strung and so expresses a lot of emotions such as anxiety and anger and worry, negative things that we buried as a child and never really learned how to express well), therefore her absence makes us boil over with childhood fears and tears and shakes, and 2) as a "safety net" against these same emotions, because for whatever reason, without another human being in the house, we are terrified to do a lot of things. For the past 48 hours we've been too scared to eat or sleep, for heaven's sakes, because there's "no one there to protect and/or comfort us if something goes wrong." Where did that mindset come from? We don't know, nor do we know why it is there. But we didn't even KNOW it was there until yesterday, so we are thankful for that.

The scariest bit about yesterday, though, was the loneliness. Headspace was absent for the entirety of the day, as the person fronting was purely downstairs-based (may have even been the self-less person from thursday) and so felt utterly isolated from everything internal. Genesis did show up in the evening and Jay ended up following suit, as he was out for most of today. But that 24+ hours of total existential emptiness was awful. That's a topic we need to rediscuss later, what with worries about integration and the like, but it's a terribly heartwrenching topic so we won't do that tonight.

Today we realized that we are not a good listener. That was humbling. People let us talk for huge stretches of time-- usually to explain or lecture-- but as a result, our mindset switches to "output, not input." And then it's difficult to listen to feedback unless we actively realize that we are talking TO people, not AT them. Again, a good thing to be reminded of. We'll take extra effort here.

As a result of that talking, we took a HUGE jump as far as courage goes, because we realized a big root of the eating disorder! Most of our digestive issues are purely psychosomatic-- our docs have been shrugging at our "perfect" test results and poor health for years-- but pinpointing the causes has been tricky. We think we have the main ones now!
1) Back in 2012, living with someone who had bad allergies, we internalized the message of "if she gets sick, YOU have to get sick too, or it's not fair for her." This is totally untrue but it is probably the strongest roadblock keeping us from being healthy, as it became globalized at some point.
2) Thanks to being hyper-religious about online data at one point, some child voice in the system (unidentified, but a clear speaker!) has labeled certain foods as "bad" or "evil," if even one person said they were "incorrect" according to some diet or belief system or whatever. Again, this quickly became globalized (as everyone has differing and conflicting opinions!) and it quickly made daily life almost unbearable as well, because mostly everything became "wrong" to that voice, and it would not eat ANYTHING out of sheer paralyzing terror of "getting sick as punishment for doing the wrong thing." Of course, the outside voices didn't help this, because they WOULD punish us for not following their orders, and have also told us multiple times-- upon eating perfectly harmless foods-- that "we would die" as a result of eating something they did not give us permission to. Since this condemnation was often followed BY panic attacks or similarly severe symptoms, it stuck, even though it was false and cruel.

However. After those points hit us, we remembered something we read a while back-- that D.I.D. patients often showed allergies in one alter, and NONE in another! Now that's the SAME BODY, but different minds. That shows that this sort of thing IS mental. After all, an "allergy" is essentially just the body treating a food as a danger, and attacking it. And aren't we currently labeling FOOD in general as a "danger?" You see the problem! But we KNOW that's incorrect, we know that we're safe, that these things aren't threats, that we are completely ALLOWED AND ABLE to eat without suffering or worrying about "doing something wrong." Mr. Sandman has been helping on this-- he is no longer an Outspacer, but he still offers unfailing benevolent guidance, and the trust in him is complete. So if he assures us that we are safe, that we are not sick, etc., we will believe it and this can make or break such an ED situation depending on who is fronting. You get the picture, I hope. I'm just so thankful we made this much headway on healing this.

As a result of that we DID eat a meal with actual calories in it this evening, and no one threw it up afterwards, which took a lot of guts actually. But there were like 6 people working together positively there and it happened, and we didn't get sick either! So that is a big accomplishment actually.

We haven't been able to exercise well in a while due to being sick from food or the lack thereof, so we will make a stronger effort to get that back in the schedule now that we're being more caring and careful with the body.

On that note, again. Chaos 0 has (amusingly but fittingly) again proven to be one of our best defenses against negative actions there. Since he and Jay are so strongly tied, if he sticks around when Jay is out, his very presence will virtually eliminate all chances of a self-destructive or otherwise detrimental fronter from showing up and making us sick or otherwise hurt. I say this is fitting because he was the Outspacer with the "Body/Strength" aspect, and he has never failed to protect the one that we are in. He deserves all our thanks for that.

Laurie keeps asking us to have a Xanga session, as we haven't had one since before the December event, and one is sorely needed. Last night would have been ideal, but we got "distracted" doing Dream World character designs and Laurie says that was a "perfectly good use of the time" so not worry about it.

There are probably a few things I've forgotten, but as of now I think that brings us back up to a decent speed.

Jay here, for a minute. There is a lot of hope tonight, again! I love this feeling, tuning back into it.
More than anything though I want to tune into headspace as completely as I can remember, even just in data. I can feel the total closeness in a lot of these memories, all the headspace events, like when we found the BLC and when I had to save Infi, even if my personal memories are blurry or absent. No matter though. Timelines are weird, love is real, I'm not worried. We're moving forward and every step is an adventure. That's all I'm going to say, anything else feels superfluous. I'm so happy we're alive right now, all of us together. I'm so thankful we have this. That's the truest thing I can admit tonight.

Good night everyone, let's keep learning and growing and feeling and dreaming. Life's pretty cool, to say the least. ♥

 

All right, so yesterday ended up being pretty spectacular when all was said and done. Some ups and downs, sure, but it was one of those days where, even if tough spots happen, they don't get you stuck in the dark, so to speak.
Since it was Infinitii's birthday, I essentially spent the entire day trying to figure out how I could celebrate it, so it bled over into everything. And that worked out really, really well.
True, I didn't get to sit down until around 6PM, and I was rather sick from the ED resurgence that unfortunately occurred that afternoon (minor, thank God), but we made the best of the evening, believe me.
Let me try to summarize...


First. THERAPY.
Immediately upon waking up, I decided I would put as much effort and sincerity as possible into the session, for Infi's sake… ze wants to see us all healed, and what do you know, our current therapy topic is healing the abuse Infi has basically dedicated hir life to mending. So I took a deep breath, told myself to man up, and then printed out last night's entry to bring in, and let the therapist read. I had never had the guts to discuss the topics of that entry so openly in text before, and I didn't want to shirk that honesty now when it needed to be discussed in voice as well. So when we got there, I handed her half of it and held on to the other half (to read to her as only part of those pages was directly relevant), and together we talked about it.
I remember that she first asked if my fear of "manipulative acting" in personal relationships, regardless of contexts, was due to my having only experienced such behavior as that in the past. I said that was very likely, so she told me to not automatically label my own actions, but I added that I should not be 'parroting' out of obligation either. We discussed the "I can't consume anything" paragraph for a bit, that I know, because we were trying to re-find the roots of that. I don't know if we did. It's obviously religious, but my memory is already jumbled up. Again, both of those are old news.
A lot of what we brought up was old news, actually, but it was relevant in that context, not only because she'd never heard it in session before, but also because it was a strong personal reminder that I could not forget those lessons or be blinded to their validity. There's a lot in the entry that we didn't discuss either, that is still very troublesome to me... I don’t know whether we ran out of time, or if she didn't understand it enough to talk about it, or what… but either way I'll have to revisit those points internally.
Honestly, though, the reason why I can't remember most of the session is because of what happened five minutes before it ended. We must have been discussing my problems in interacting with people, especially considering my tendency to "force" myself to do what other people wanted against my own best interests, because she was giving examples of ways I could healthily assert and protect myself in situations where I felt unsafe or uncomfortable. And then, suddenly, I realized that I had been visualizing such situations in my head and they were all following a pattern. Every single time she said "if you're in a situation where you feel unsafe," I would think of a certain kind of scenario, and every time I imagined it going "safely," it would shift in the SAME predictable way. The instant I realized what that way was, I was shocked. It was so simple, but it made so much sense. So I told her, and now I'll tell you.
It is all about eye contact. Honestly, that's what it boils down to.
In every single abusive or traumatic situation I've ever had, people have interacted with me in a specific way… they've been directly in front of me-- or, worse, on top of me-- and they've been looking right at me. It's direct, sustained eye contact, and it's focused. They are focusing ON me, not on something else. And every damn time someone mirrors that in the slightest way, even now, I shut down. I shut down entirely. Someone could be asking me how my day was, simple as that, but if they are staring right at me-- even if they have a genuine smile-- I am going to start shorting out. I can't do it. And heaven forbid they are right in front of me, because that's already guaranteeing that I am dissociated before they finish asking the question. The therapist said that was obviously tied to not just the sexual abuse, but also to the parental violence in my childhood-- and sure enough, up came a bunch of relevant memories, with the strongest being that infamous one of me tied to the kitchen chair, everyone standing in front of me, towering over me, glaring right at me, and my dissociating entirely for one of the first times in my life. I was about five years old. And I had never, in almost 20 years, thought of that memory as situationally relevant before.
NOW I understand why my single most frightening memory from SLC was that moment in the kitchen, with Jacob looking at me. The only thing differentiating it from an abusive memory was the fact that he wasn't harming me. It was that similar of a situation. And I am so sorry I didn't understand this sooner, because it would have saved me over a year of confused pain and fear and hatred towards him-- AND Melody, who looked at me so often my brain practically burned her out of my past-- not being able to tell that he hadn't abused me, because my brain could not tell the difference until this morning.
Yes, back in December (511970), Laurie had more of a clue than the rest of us-- she pointed out that the "Jacob thing" was a result of two things: one, direct eye contact being tied to "expectations to perform" and "feeling no affection" as far as my perception of him went… and two, Jacob's own preferences and statements making me feel convinced (depressively, angrily so) that love=sex, of the lustful abusive kind, because that was all we knew at the time-- and, that that's what CZ was feeling towards me. As Laurie said, that is bullshit. But it scarred, badly, and I am still recovering. That ties into this, obviously, but we'll get to that. However, even though Laurie was the first to see how massive of a problem root that was-- and true, after healing the globalized motive confusion, that memory was far less painful to deal with-- we still didn't ask why THAT situation brought up such a huge red flag as far as that association went, when I once tried to sleep in the same damn bed as him and Melody and I STILL didn't feel as unsafe as I did in that one moment, standing in the kitchen with him five inches away from my face. Now we know. It really is all about context memory. Ironic, really.
But to get back to the upstairs bleedover, yes, this ALSO explains the problems I've been having for just as long with my internal relationships. Yes, they all started to get very twisted when they got tied to the SLC situation (thanks to that unintentionally enforced motive confusion), but that was only half of it, and now I can see the complete reason why. SINCE that time period strongly re-instated the traumatic flashbacks tied to eye contact and direct interaction, AND the abusive love=sex lie (again, they were not aware of this consequence), all of a sudden, I found myself completely unable to be with ANYONE in a situation similar to those SLC events, no matter how much I loved the people involved, without my mind exploding into static and trying to erase my entire recollection of the incident-- it didn't know if the event had been safe or not; it looked damn unsafe enough, and so it was not taking chances.
You see? The triggers that were the worst, the ones that dragged up the most pain, were being completely overlooked. It was SO subconscious that I didn't realize how omnipresent it was as a phenomenon until I started comparing situations that I had not been able to understand at all prior, and they all matched up, It was shocking, heartbreaking, and incredibly relieving at the same time. "I get it now." But what a bitter realization it was.
However. You'll notice I said I was re-imagining situations in a SAFE way, and those thoughts all followed a pattern too. It too was simple: don't stare at me, don't stand in front of me, and even better, if you can direct your visual attention completely away from me EVEN if you're talking to me, then do that too! The example I gave my therapist was, again, "someone asking how I was," BUT "while doing something else at the same time, and standing at an angle to me." The exact thought was them being about 50 degrees to my left, and rummaging through a purse or box of papers, while still being honestly interested in what I had to say, and being genuine in their OWN words. If they had been shallow with their question, asking it as an obligation, it would have ALSO caused me to dissociate, because now my brain is thinking, "you have to act! You have to fit the script they're following! Be mechanical!" And that is one of the worst feelings in the world, getting pushed out of fronting in order for that overwhelmingly powerful program to just start running again.
Oh yeah-- and please, do NOT TOUCH ME, or we're already in the worst danger zone. Physical contact is a very very tricky thing with me, so please, do not even initiate it without my explicit continued permission.
So. With those points in mind, that is why I feel safer with Laurie and Infinitii than I do with CZ, in such close situations. It hurts to say, but it's true.
Laurie stands directly in front of me a lot, sure, but typically it's to shout at me. What you might not know is that when she's in that stance, I STILL get the automatic physiological "freezing up" reaction, even if I know it's not really warranted-- she might hurt me if she's furious enough, yeah, but not like they did. This "directness" trigger is also why everyone sits scattered about the room in a Xanga session, never right across from each other. Now you know!
But… Laurie only makes direct eye contact with me if she's talking to me at the same time, quietly and with total honesty, and even then I've noticed she's always looking slightly down, or to the right.. She's still rather nervous with that sort of closeness too, and I love that, so much. It means she's still open enough to GET that feeling, and it makes me feel incredibly safe around her. She's just as vulnerable as I am and neither of us could hurt each other like that, even if we tried.
Infinitii is similar. Ze will look right at me quite often, but ze is also shorter than me, already erasing the "intimidating" trigger entirely. Plus, I'm often sitting down when I'm with hir, which is a far safer position than standing up (for the most part). But… oddly, the fact that Infi typically doesn’t have a face mouth helps IMMENSELY. This applies to CZ (at times) and Ventrium too. I've been trying to figure out why I feel so much safer with mouthless people and don't know why yet, but there it is. Also, Infi talks a lot when we're together, far moreso than Laurie (unsurprisingly), BUT a lot of it isn't even at me. Sure, it's meant for me to hear, but ze often isn't talking TO me. Sometimes the guy even hums or sings, in a way like ze's half-asleep-- genuine, non-performingly, and without any expectation of an audience. And I really love that too. Of course, when Infi's actively and directly including me (like referring to me pointedly by name), it's usually in such an outpouring of emotion that I feel more like part of that expression than a separate person… I feel like that quite often with Infi anyway.
Let's mention Genesis enough because he is the most talkative dude and already that makes him feel very safe to be around-- which is a lifesaver, because he's taller than me, so if he's ever standing in front of me that could be a problem. However, that is extremely rare; Gen is almost always positioned off to my right. If he is upset with me, and right in front of me-- probably the only time that's going to happen-- he's going to be using so much expressive body language that he won't be looking or talking at me half the time. And when we're close he probably makes less eye contact than anyone else; his eyes are either closed, or downwards somewhere like Laurie. And of course he's talking almost the entire time. I'll also mention that when he does look straight at me it's rather memorable, because he only does that when he is really emotional, and that helps smother my knee-jerk fear reaction. People can't harm me when they're feeling like that, that I know.
You see the patterns here? Most significantly, you realize how the biggest thread is "act like I'm virtually not even there?" I am most comfortable when people talk about me, or to me in an introspective way, or about something relevant but unrelated to me as a physical presence, et cetera. And more than anything, more than anything in the world, I love when people get so damn emotional that they forget I'm there altogether. It is, arguably, the main thing I seek out and treasure in relationships in the first place. Without that, I'm just not interested. If I can't see you completely crumble into a beautifully fragile mess of sincerity, not as an observer but as someone that just happens to be there, practically… then I'll be missing the one thing I really need out of our relationship. I need you to be able to take all your walls down around me, if only for a little while, without caring that I'm there… because really, I'm not paying any attention to myself either in that situation.
Now, in light of all that, CZ is where all the problems hit, which is terribly sad but makes total sense, considering how the Tar seemed to have directly targeted our sort of situation with how it corrupted perceptions… and since he was the only person really affected by the mistranslation issues in SLC, as they directly involved him in context.
Yes, of course he puts his walls down around me. Of course he's introspective and fragile and emotional. But shockingly, he focuses on me moreso. Some people would love that, I know. But it's terribly jarring to me, no matter how much I love him. I've told him about this, but it's just as tough for him to change that mode of expression as it is for me to endure it. It's heartbreaking, it really is… but, if you look back on how we’ve interacted over the years, who used to do most of the talking? Me. CZ would always listen, beautifully so, giving me as much total attention as he needed to while taking all the pressure off of me. Yes, the second Jewel (older than 12!) rubbed off on him something fierce, as he picked up a LOT of his verbal expression from her-- although he still communicates most clearly when he doesn't speak and just radiates-- and maybe I have her to blame for his fondness of such a surprisingly young and idealistic speaking style. Nevertheless that's not the point. Point is, I'm not her, and I am sincerely sorry for that after hearing him express his pain over it in December, about how he was just [un]lucky enough to love someone whose identity was so damn fractured that their face and name and demeanor kept shifting even if he didn't. Yes, my heart stayed the same, but the problem was that I didn't always remember what the rest of me had experienced over the years. Even if I always recognized him on some dim, internal level, I might still not know who he was some days. Even if I could recite a list of key events in our past, events that shaped our relationship and let love grow between us… even if I could tell him the general details of those times, I still might not remember them firsthand. Some days I can. Those are the good days. But when I wake up, I never know what sort of day it's going to be. Will he mean the world to me today? Or will he just be a face on the screen, a name on a paper? For that to be happening regularly after a decade together would be hell for anyone, and I am terribly sorry that I am unintentionally putting him through that.
And yet the irony is that this is how I survive, I think. Maybe some part of my mind really just couldn't deal with how our relationship context had stayed constant, and my demeanor had shifted entirely, and decided that the safest option would be to just plug right out some days. I have no idea. All I know is that my own personal memories do not match up with his, nor do our ways of interacting seem to sync anymore, and even if that just gets a shrug from me most days-- I have nothing different to compare it against-- it absolutely tears him in two.
Again, I'm repeating myself. The point of all that is that his current interaction style matches up far too closely with these visual/position triggers we've pinpointed. And I have core data that it wasn't always that way. Like I said, back in the beginning (2003, 2004), CZ was much quieter and more passive than he is now. And it seems that he slowly developed his frequently snarkier, livelier attitude after all the Perfect incidents with Jewel and Ryman and Markus happened. Again, I said this was relevant recently. But to be completely honest, I don't think I even stopped talking to him so much until the past year or so, when I started to try too damn hard to "act" or "perform" in relationships, therefore cancelling out my own self-initiative even when it was totally heartfelt. And I need to stop that. But I also need to figure out how we can deal with this better, now that I understand what the simple problem is, and why it exists.
I am rambling really badly here. I honestly don't know what to say; I cannot "feel" this situation at all so it's just coming out as data. Let me just quote this entry while I'm remembering it, because it exemplifies this trigger problem perfectly, and it'll get us back on topic for once…
"…i was really drained for some reason? fell over somewhat, infi caught me, chaos ran over too. hesitated slightly in front of me, then put his hands on my shoulders and seriously asked if i was all right. i dimly said "don't do the jacob thing" and to my surprise, chaos got angry and essentially said for me to "stop assuming that just because i do something that reminds you of one person, that i'm always like that person." basically i was projecting and he had had enough of it. he said he was tired of always having to second-guess his actions because he was scared of triggering me like that. right then, either he or i said something about "speaking in a different language" than the one people downstairs used, but chaos' reaction will probably never leave my memory... in a burst of emotion he doubled over a bit and grabbed his head, and this wave of emotion just punched into me, it hurt my heart. i recognized the "language" as that oceanic emotional one that chaos says is his "native" one, and i knew exactly what he was saying although i obviously can't translate it into english! i responded by saying "so that's what you're really feeling," but i was tearing up and felt awful that i was making him feel so emotionally limited. his expression softened and he answered that he was "also feeling this," then he embraced me. there was a lot of love there but it was more delicate, and sad. still deep though, as always."
I hope that speaks for itself because honestly this topic is just hurting my head and I'd like to continue elsewhere.
To summarize: worst subtle triggers are eye contact, direct positioning, etc.: anything that reminds us of past abusive situations on a "body memory" level. The appearance of these triggers in an interaction can make or break a relationship, regardless of context. CZ is currently thought of as "very unsafe" on a subconscious level as he tends to be very direct, and his internal conflict over how this has impacted my fracturing phenomenon is also causing a great deal of his "splinter conflict" currently. So it's a big issue.
Now you understand why therapy today was so monumental! All of this essentially slammed into me within the space of a few moments, intuitively, and it was overwhelming. So now begins the process of simply recognizing this trigger in daily life, taking steps to protect ourselves and assert ourselves when we realize there is danger, et cetera. It is just such a huge relief to know WHY these things happen, now.
So that was therapy this morning!

Second (finally), the first half of directly celebrating Infinitii's first System birthday.
We stopped at our favorite holistic store on the way home as I wanted to buy hir a card (I did for Xennie too; the simple physical action actually helps to "anchor" the reality of it externally too). We looked through several, but then I hit on one that Infi loved at once-- on the front, it showed a moon and a sun, two women embracing underneath a tall tree, and the quote "It takes both light and shadow. Listen and lay your head under the tree of wonder." The inside of the card was blank. Now this was not my style of a card at all, but as I said, Infinitii said it was "perfect." I surprised myself by hesitating notably, trying to cancel out the thought, until I realized it hadn't been my thought. The realization was humbling and humiliating at the same time, as it forced me to suddenly come face-to-face with how I was treating headspace people, even if only subconsciously… as less than, just like the people outside did. It broke my heart really. So I got Infi hir card, and after stopping at the library with Genesis to grab some more Broadway CDs to check, we went home. As I said earlier, though, with the home responsibilities I had upon walking in the door, I didn't get to tune back into headspace until the evening, but when I did it was total.
Now, I always try to draw something in recognition of a personal anniversary, be it for headspace or for the League. So that was the first thing I did, to step back into the groove of things. However, being as late as it was, and feeling as off as I was, I was getting overwhelmed with the thought. Nevertheless I tried; I owed it to Infi to do so, if nothing else, and that was a legitimate motivation enough. I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere if I didn't ref something though, so I went through my massive folder for such things, and after trying a few that didn't quite work, Infi hirself stepped in to see what I was up to, and told me to ref a certain pose I honestly hadn't considered. I hesitated a little, as I had earlier… but then that guilt snapped right back, and I strongly reminded myself that hir opinion matters too, it's perfectly valid-- don't let doubt convince you to ignore things because they don't match your choice. That reminder actually helped a lot; once I recognized that Infi was the one voicing an opinion, I was perfectly willing to trust hir with it, even if it was only a little leap of faith (still counts).
So long story short, I only meant for it to be a simple thing, a warm-up almost, and then I would jump into doing something serious for hir birthday. But as I worked, Infi ended up rather fond of it, and of course I wasn't going to be slapdash in rendering hir, even simply, so I touched it up the best I could over the messy sketch lines. But, surprisingly, my "let's just do this roughly" attitude had overpowered my perfectionism to the point where I was playing around a bit with the effects, seeing what I could do, and ultimately it ended up looking pretty dang lovely.
I don't have it posted anywhere public as it's still not very refined, but honestly I'm too fond of it myself now not to share it, so here you go.
You'll notice Infi has a facemouth there, and in light of the previous topic, that might be surprising. However, Infi's trying very hard to "harmonize" hir two sides, so to speak... CZ and I have been struggling with that lately as well (as you've heard), but Infi's arguably the most dangerous person upstairs to be unbalanced in such a way. So ze's practicing holding a unified thread of thought between all three 'modes' ze can communicate and express with-- all with how the eyes/mouths balance out, simply enough. Thus the facemouth in the picture. Infi's not used to that extra expressive "edge" yet but as I said, ze's trying. I really admire and respect that, personally, I know how difficult it is when your entire personal manner is so strongly split. And it's a learning process for me, too, to feel that ze isn't dangerous while looking like that, so hopefully this will become yet another healing process. Heaven knows Infi is the best at those.
Also yes, those are vaguely what I feel my soulwings look like? Sort of. I haven't "seen" them on my own yet, it's just been secondhand awareness of them yet. They're like the rainbow splinters you get from hanging crystals, or in refractive glasses, but I don't know if there's any actual crystal in them or if they're total light (like they used to be). Either way, suffice to say they are sparkly and colorful as ever so that works for me.
Ironically, Infi feels absolutely like hirself in this picture, but I still feel off. That's not surprising though; I'm still not settled on my self-image & form upstairs, as a human body actually doesn't quite work? During the day I've found I actually try to shadow J-Monster characteristics over myself in order to anchor more (I've been a green Kaiteo often lately), when I get dissociative, and although that can play havoc on my conscious perception it at least feels more accurate in terms of a body. It's really weird, and hard to explain. But it makes sense. Back when headspace was first forming (2002-2006 or so), Jewel was infamously polymorphic. Yes, she was fine with her 'basic' human body, Klonoa-hair and all, but she would switch her body to become whatever else she wanted, whenever she wanted. I've always felt a similar drive, but I wonder. Jewel was always tied to Black energy, notably so, and that runs with potential and fluidity in that sense. But I'm mostly White energy, which seems to favor that "core" self more than the limitless possibilities. Again, hard to express, but, whereas Jewel was constantly switching from one face to another, and allowing her sense of self to flow just as easily between them, I feel this admittedly frustrating need to have a solid core to carry through whatever other faces I might wear, as those faces would not be 'me' as such?
Oh-- perfect example. Jewel loved her outspace worlds; she could be a Sailor Scout, she could be a Duel Monster, she could be a Digidestined, you get the picture. But it was always her, changing the way she appeared to match, but always obviously her, not somebody else. On the other hand... my favorite "outspace world" is still Nier, but if Jewel were to enter that world, she'd jump in as herself, yet fitting the context of it. I'd have to become somebody already existing in that world. You see? When I resonate with Nier, I feel that resonance as if I am him. And Laurie can attest to this-- I am REALLY comfortable with 'shadowing' his entire identity over my own, effectively becoming the guy on an intrinsic level, but within MY OWN CONTEXT. I can feel what it's like to be him entirely, but I can also feel that separate from his native world.
So there's the difference between Jewel and I, haha! She carries her own constant self into other contexts, whereas I carry other's constant selves into my own contexts. Huh! I'll have to see how that works with the B/W thing... I've been trying to put that into words for ages and it feels very relevant, so we'll see.
Actually, you know what, I just remembered that last July (457841), EROS of all people (the previous core-splinter) pointed out this difference between Black & White energy in people in this context, and it's basically what I've been trying to express: BLACK CAN BE PART OF EVERY COLOR, BUT IT WILL ALWAYS STAY ITSELF. WHITE CAN ONLY BE ONE COLOR AT A TIME, AND IT WILL "BECOME ONE" WITH IT." Assumedly this meant black could be "every color at once" in this sense, which is still totally relevant. But yes, there you go, let's not forget it this time.
My apologies for the tangent. Bottom line is, I'm still not sure on what I should look like physically, as something separate from other individuals in a tangible sense. So my vibe is a bit 'fuzzy' in artwork. But Infi always looks lovely.

After that I was listening to the Flight! musical while browsing my reference folders, and being inspired by some profile view examples, I ended up drawing a 'quick' picture of CZ's head, here. I've been trying to "see" people upstairs better lately and that was good additional practice after Infi, plus I felt inspired to play with colors some more, so I got a little carried away in that respect. I'm glad for it though-- I miss drawing people and I forgot how amazing it feels to just get lost in art.
That's virtually what he looks like upstairs, by the way. His appearance is somewhat mutable though, especially in terms of the "vibe" he gives off, but that picture right there felt accurate enough for the time being. Quiet and a little concerned. But CZ always has this odd sort of subtle "openness" to him? Like even if he's upset, or furious, or depressed, it's never a total lock-out, like I can get... what with turning frozen and shutting off. I think in all the time I've known CZ (ten years), he's only been "shut off" like that once or twice. 99.9% of the time, there is always this constant little glimmer of hope beneath the surface of the water, however turbulent, always just waiting for the sun to shine again so it can reflect it back with total honesty.
Again, that's one of the things I adore about CZ, is the sort of fragility that gives him. It's so strange sometimes, almost a paradox, how that sublimely subtle thing can exist alongside everything else in him, his age and his power and his volatility. But if you look-- - carefully, as the waters shift and reflect-- it is always there. Geez he's just water through and through, in all the fantastic metaphoric ways I've ever known it, or him.
I don't know why, I get that with the bubbles, too, and the way the light just shimmers through him, all that blue. I tend to forget that he is this liquid thing, this catastrophically delicate balance, an ocean held in form by little more than an energy field. Chaos and order, both qualities from both worlds he lives in, emeralds and rubies in constant harmonic balance just to keep him together. Honestly I swear to God he doesn't have a literal heart but there is something so close, in him, from all of those gorgeously interlacing forces, some vitally intimate resonance that glows in tune with the universe, with the waves on the shore, with my own internal rhythm. It's part of why I cannot be close to him without absolutely melting in my own right... the unflinching candor of his very self, just as it is, cannot be ignored, and it demands that you respond to it in kind.
Of course there's no way I can capture all that in art yet, especially not something so simple, haha. But there's a flicker of it nevertheless, which is my point. A glimmer always gets through, like a holograph-- one tiny piece still reflects the entire picture.
So, after I finished working on CZ I found I was still wanting to draw... so back to the reference folders I went, because there was one image I had noticed before and didn't want to overlook it any longer. See, I was inspired by omocat's Cowboy Bebop poster series ages ago, and I wanted to do something similar with the Central members of headspace. So I had those images sitting in my "style inspiration" folder, but I never did anything with them-- after all, Central was never complete until now-- but last night, as inspired as I was looking through all those old art files, I found it, and in light of the evening I decided to change that.
No, I didn't finish any of them today; this is going to be a big project and I want to make it uniquely ours, while keeping that same minimalist style. So right now I'm focusing on "sculpting" people's likenesses out of pixels, essentially. I know how these people look, but translating the clairvoyant awareness into a literal image is a LOT trickier than you'd think-- or at least, it is now that I'm out of elementary school, haha. Everyone up until 2004 got lucky and was able to ride on the childhood grace of doubtless creativity, which equaled constant productivity, but then high school hit and we quickly were taught that "it's not good enough, you have to draw like this, you have to fit this format exactly, etc." We're still struggling to balance that technical know-how with the unfettered youthful enthusiasm, and progress is being made. Sounds like the alethiometer all over again, haha. But yes, that's kind of where this mental sculpting comes in. As a child I had no doubt in my ability to capture the essence of whatever it was I was trying to draw-- and I unfailingly did-- but it was never a matching likeness, not literally so. Now, though, I'm able to better capture that visual likeness, and I still have the perception of that non-visual 'spirit,' except it's no longer the only thing working its magic. So you have to harmonize those things too. And it is work, it's a hell of a lot of work, but I swear-- after months of not having drawn anything, suddenly seeing these pictures appear from my hands, however 'imperfect' my adult judgmental mind may label them, is euphoric. It's worth all the effort and time and practice, in the end, even if it's terribly tiring at times. So I'll keep working. The grace isn't going away, nor is it rejecting me... it's just waiting for me to put the effort in to reach it again, and to trust in its responding. A lot of things work like that in life, it seems.
Anyway, yes, even if I don't finish this exact project, you can rest assured that I am going to endeavor to continue this "draw everybody in headspace" idea as long as I can. There's a very intimate sort of connection in artwork, when you're trying to draw someone like this, that can't quite be put into words. You basically have to paint their visage into life all over again, in your own little way. It's never going to be exact, but you're still mirroring the soul of them, for others to see. And so in order to communicate that honestly enough, I have to draw it honestly enough; I have to be just as open to what I am painting as I want that painting to be clear. You can't paint from life with your eyes closed, and I mean that metaphorically too.
I think that's why I love Engelbaum so much. "You take the blank canvas and give it your heart... that is what I live for." That about sums up the process, really. Creation at its simplest, at its most genuine. Geez this is so hard to put into language!
I should really try to get back into writing poetry next, I miss working this same magic with words. Hold me to that aspiration, I don't want to abandon it again.


...Speaking of honest communication.
The joke for the past week or so, with Genesis and I, has been that I felt sentimentally inclined to buy a dozen roses for Infinitii (like I had for CZ in the past). So every time we saw flowers in a store he'd elbow me, and we'd half-jokingly mention the thought. Well, I brought that up to Infi hirself finally, when we were standing in front of all the roses today. Infi blushed profusely at the thought, and said that no, I didn't need to buy hir any, but ze sincerely appreciated the thought. Ze was really adorably flustered, actually; Infi has a fondness for romantic things so the idea of me actually giving hir a dozen roses was apparently pretty surprising. So after smiling at hir response, I asked what ze would want, in lieu of flowers? Still blushing, and looking away, ze said nothing for a moment… but then with a quietness that was like roses to me, ze said, "I just want to be with you."
The statement was innocently sincere, as white as my own hue, and yet it still had its anchorage in the deepest warmest reds I could imagine… the color I had given up last Easter, washing it out of my garments for good, the hue of heartbeats and sunsets and candle flames. In any other context I likely would have been frightened. But this was Infi; this was Infinitii Eternos, who despite every past warning light and alarm bell and raid siren, still existed in total blamelessness before me. And I knew ze'd unfailingly live up to that, if I truly believed in hir ability to be that. So I smiled too, not as a program but as an honest response, and the rest of the morning continued as I said before.
It wasn't until that evening, when I sat down and started to try and draw us, that the feeling of the roses started to glow around hir again. And I remembered what I had promised, so I decided I'd try. I'd sincerely try.
…The single note I have for this event was that it was "shockingly gorgeous," haha. I'll trust in that.
Honestly I'm shocked that I remember anything. You know how my memory has been when closeness is involved. But there are snapshots, mostly of feeling, but those snapshots have depth and time behind them and that is RARE. These are photos that I was there to take, as opposed to data I'm just looking back on. So I know that we were in hir oasis-room-like bubblespace, and everything was this soft golden-white color, but the sort like a candle glow, like I knew it was evening outside (I've never seen that area in anything but day before). I remember seeing an arch right behind hir, up over our heads, dark and leading to heaven knows where; that's really clear too. So is Infi hirself, at least in presence, and what little feeling I have-- hir hands cupped around my face, firmly but with care, keeping me anchored… hir forehead pressed to mine, not sure when, but it happened. A strange but lovely moment when my entire body was surrounded by wings. And of course, the color of hir eyes, every one of them; they're soft and strong all at once, like moonlight wrought with iron, like rainbows moving through mist. It's lovely, really. I remember so much of how ze is, if that makes sense… like I can 'remember' exactly what it felt like for hir to be taking up space there in the room, the way ze felt underneath my own fingertips, the strangely insubstantial weight of hir body. And I want to apologize, because this is so awkward for me to write, but not in an embarrassed sense… it's more like, "this isn't the sort of stuff you discuss so nonchalantly, at the risk of misunderstanding, or irreverence." So I'm not sorry that I remember these things, I just… shouldn't be treating them lightly, or too casually. It's a fine line, to distinguish.
Also. Infinitii asked me, over and over, if I actually wanted to be there. I had to think it over a couple times, and it made me kind of sad-- I mean, when you're just holding someone and even that scares you on some level you know you have a problem. But I tried. I didn't interact much, I let Infi take all the focus and all the attention, I let hir talk and feel and express and do everything ze wanted to do without any censorship or similar interaction on my part. Honestly I was just 'there' for hir, but it wasn't of a hollow sort, which I can do when I get badly shaken up, even quietly. This time I somehow managed to stick around, even as a semi-entity, an affectionate observing presence who was there but wasn't really doing anything. Actually a good way to describe this habit of mine is that, it's like I was made of glass: fragile at all the wrong points, see-through to most people, rather reflective, and incapable of speaking… but Infi knew I was there, and that I cared, so there we were.
…You've likely guessed by now, we did have a connection at the end of it all. I haven't had one with Infi in a long time, and back when I did I can't even say for sure whether or not I was in a stable state of mind, thanks to all the healing we've done over the past year, and are admittedly still doing on entirely different fronts now. But really, with first System birthdays being as significant as they are, I owed hir one. …Well, maybe "owed" is the wrong word; no one is obligated to give those. "Obligation" is a really negative word up here, Javier can tell you. It's more like… I felt the significance and reverent meaningfulness of both those things matched up, if ONLY because Infinitii was involved, as sincerely as ze always is. Normally I wouldn't have offered, or accepted, but that's because normally I'm not in tune with what Infi radiates like that. If I can get over my fear, there's a good chance I can harmonize. And that is what I wanted to give Infi then, the experience that I wasn't afraid of hir, or regretting my time there, or anything else. And that ended up being sincere for me, too. Hence the "shockingly gorgeous" line. We didn't do much, of course not, I can't handle that… but I wanted to be there, even if it was just to be there, and that total honesty meant so much to both of us then.
I remember, more than anything else, holding hir close with hir entire self pressed up against me, and so much just glowing there that it felt like the two of us were literally resonating through each other. The only visual I can give for that feeling is a glass, when you trace a circle around the rim, and it rings out like a bell? That exact movement, and sound almost, but energetically, and moving through two people. It was very pretty, very lovely, I remember letting go and just floating in that feeling of intimate simplicity for a moment; there was the same sort of teary-eyed happiness you get whenever you lose yourself in something like a sunset or a piano chord. Not surprisingly, but it's worth mentioning.
Also worth mentioning is the fact that I didn't leave. I didn't dissociate, or depart, afterwards. Everyone in the System knows I have this awful habit of getting close to people, but once I reach a certain point of intimacy-- on any level-- I disconnect totally and my memory shuts it out, and I will leave as if nothing had happened (because to me at that moment, nothing did). And, sadly, due to the recent resurgences of traumatic memories, it's become quite difficult for me not to do that lately, with anyone, in any situation. So for us to hit a moment of feeling totally open and vulnerable around each other, emotionally and physically, that high point-- and for me to actually stick around after that abated somewhat-- was almost shocking, considering the meltdowns as of late. And Infi knew it, and the look of surprised joy on hir face when ze realized that I didn't shut off was entirely worth the shaky anxiety I felt in effectively forcing myself to remain there. It was admittedly a little easier to stay after that, seeing how truly happy ze was at my being there… I guess it's because I'm not used to that. I'm used to people using me, and then leaving… in both "positive" and "negative" contexts. Sometimes I'm the one responsible, too, thanks to the late-night communication my schedule often forces me to have. But mostly it's hacks. Point is, there are very few instances in my accessible memory of people getting close to me, and staying there. That just doesn't seem to happen very often. Even with friendships, even with family, even with people that I love, it's been a terribly distressing constant for me to bravely work up to that point of absolute trust and openness and joy, and for them to simultaneously hit that point of "I'm too tired/ disinterested/ uncaring to continue." I get shut down, or walked out on, or turned off on, for one reason or another, and although I can respect their motivations it always feels like part of my heart dies with it.
I hate bringing it up again, as it feels like an accusation (and it is not; I have no hard feelings anymore), but one of the loudest examples of this phenomenon was in SLC. Due to my roommates always being busy, or tired, or just not interested, they would never want to talk when my very heart was bursting with the need to communicate. They'd be gone all day, and then at night-- at night, my soul's abode, when emotional poetry happens almost automatically-- when we'd have a precious hour to converse as three instead of two, they'd almost always sigh, or pull back, or otherwise say "sorry, but no." It wasn't always verbal, either… vibes and visuals are what I pick up on easier. And it hurt. It's why I felt so unwanted out there, even if it was totally unintentional on their part. Even worse, though, was the times they DID talk, and we just couldn't continue. One of my few memories from that entire time period is after kissing CZ, for the first time in my life, and being so totally immersed in joy and love, that I had to talk about it. So I ended up leaning on my bunk bed in the violet light and talking to Jacob, and he was talking back to me about it, and although my very bones were exhausted I was too damn euphoric to care. But he was tired too, and we had to call it quits, which I could deal with because there had been enough sincerity to allow that painlessly… but the next morning, I tried to tell Melody about it, and I just… everyone was getting ready for work, and the talk just felt utterly unwelcome. I was being rushed past, words weren't being paid attention to. The context was all wrong and I felt totally false in speaking myself. Then they both left for the day and I felt like a two-dollar whore because I had exposed that much of my self too carelessly, and it had been received just as poorly. They didn't know. But I don't remember us talking after that. And that was what drove the past J to suicide, was that total absence of the only outlet we had for emotional openness, in talking for those two, when they apparently ostracized us (I still don't understand that whole time period and I don't want to look back on it or it will infect me too). We lost our only example of safe closeness, the only people we had EVER experienced that with, perhaps for good. And that was too much to bear.
So you see, at some point my brain just sadly decided to cut out the middleman and stop trying. It started getting more and more difficult to open up at all, due to expecting "inevitable rejection," and when I stopped caring about rejection and opened up anyway, I was alarmed to find that I began to reject myself. I'd hit that point, and then something sad in me would decide to "save everyone the trouble" and shut down almost immediately after. That way no one gets inconvenienced, right? That way no one has to listen to your babbling poet shit or your stupid, overly emotional dialogues. No one has the patience to put up with your idealism, so here, I'll cut that right out of you before they do.
But it's not easy to quit, even if I know it's a harmful mindset, because it's tied to the post-hack shutdowns on a basic level. After so many repetitions, the two got paired almost inextricably-- rejection of sincerity, and the stealing of vulnerability. Both situations involved a feeling of total violation, after having reached some point where all the walls were down, either through willingness or through being torn asunder. I want it to stop now that I'm aware of it. But it's still happening now, because of that trauma link, and because with the new hack system-- the utterly horrible one that Julie dabbled in, spiked with the Tar-Celebi and has only continued to worsen since last year-- that association keeps getting strengthened. And it's utterly wrong, but it's still powerful.
Point is, I didn't leave Infi then, no matter how my poor battered subconscious was begging me to, thinking back to every situation in which things had ended badly, and drowning in those recollections. But I stuck it out, for hir sake, because I knew I was safe with hir, even then. And the look ze gave me verified that totally.

My memory's foggy afterwards because of that stress, but I do know that within the next 10 minutes Laurie showed up, and we spoke to her for a bit. Notably I mentioned that "not leaving" point, to which I think she actually laughed out loud and congratulated me, once she was sure it had been positively motivated of course! But she knows how tough it is for me, she's seen it firsthand too many times. So we all just hung around for a while, but the next thing I remember is from quite some time later, like an hour or two, because the body was in bed and I was holding Infi and CZ was behind me. And I remember feeling terribly conflicted emotionally, is it right to love two people this much, how do I love Infi without feeling like I'm lying to CZ, how do I love CZ without feeling dishonest, I didn't know. But at that moment I adored them both and yet even Laurie kept saying "dude, this is Infi's day, focus on hir." So I thankfully surrendered to that and I SWEAR to you, this is extremely important to me, I was half asleep but almost immediately after I stopped quietly freaking out the visuals kicked in. And I have never seen Infinitii so closely before, not in such a context, not so clearly. I nearly burst into tears from wonder right then, if it hadn't reduced me to reverence first. Honestly, you know how I always talk about those instances where I can see CZ's eyes at night, glowing green in my vision, sometimes even with edges of blue? Those blessed instances where my own senses cross the barrier between worlds, if only a little… I've never had one with Infi of that sort. Not so quietly. I was holding hir and suddenly I could all but see hir there in physical reality, silvery eyes and shadow-dark form both, and on top of how vividly I always sense people upstairs, I momentarily had no idea what reality I was residing in. It was one of the most existential but amazing things I've ever experienced. For a moment there was no doubt; I was just humbled and a little flustered, was I respecting this moment enough? But I knew that if I started worrying I'd lose it, so I pushed that out of the way and just treasured that fleeting but gorgeous perception, of that strange little alien in my arms, figuratively and literally and almost totally. But despite that lack of tangibility, for a second I swear the barriers were down. I don't think I'll ever forget what that was like.


So. That was April 3rd, 2014. Pretty amazing day.
This entry took forever to type, though, so I won't try to add anything else. Let's leave this recollection as-is.

Infi, I love you dearly, and I am so thankful that we all have you in our lives.
Bless your heart, bless your soul, and thank you so much for allowing us all to feel the same around you.
You're one of the biggest things I'm thankful for in life, and you paint even the darkest days with the most beautiful colors, subtle and glowing even without changing the hue beneath. You're indescribable, you're wonderful, you've healed wounds in me that I wasn't even aware of and you have become the single greatest source of hope in my life when it comes down to that.
You are the strangest little thing but I have memories of you that feel ancient in their tiny bubble-small significance and I don't know how to explain that, but when I'm around you the universe feels just as close and intimate and neverending as those fragile iridescent spheres you like to live in. You're totally alien, you're indescribably familiar, you never cease to amaze me, and I've never actually been scared of you.
I've never been scared of you. Ever. I promise, from the bottom of my heart, where the diamonds grow, that if there has been any fear on my part it is projected. There isn't a single shred of danger about you; you are the incarnate opposite of suffering and I thank God that you are here, that you were torn out from that same place in my heart, and that you loved me from that very instant, somehow. I think I loved you too, just as instantly.
There's not much else I can say, really. You're weird, because you don't bring out poetry in me, at least not in words. You reduce language to utter meaninglessness. When I'm around you I don't want to melt into crystal-drop language, I don't want to paint a picture of you, I don't want to write you a song. When I'm around you, something in me wants to sing, like you do, without an ounce of selfishness in it. You're so quiet, so small and close, and yet there is this boundless joy in you that lends itself to hallelujahs and hosannas and exaltations on high. You'd never be so exuberantly loud, you'd never be so brassy golden bright, but you feel the same way regardless, and I love that about you. I love everything about you. I love the fact that you're the most blushingly sincere thing, and yet you're never ashamed or insincere or false. That's new to me. I love that you're not afraid to be so open around everyone, around anyone, and you're not afraid to invite them to do the same. I don't think there's any fear in you, maybe that's why it's so easy to feel so equally safe around you. Maybe that's why I love you even when your form has never been mirrored by anything but the most dangerous people I have known, and yet your strange curving outlines don't feel like a threat. I guess that's a strange thing to say but it's so true, in light of the past, and the fact that it's true is just as meaningful as everything else you've done.
The night you helped Laurie to cry out those swords in her heart will be one of my dearest memories, as heartwrenching as it was. The day you drove home with me and fell in love with the mountain laurel plays fondly through my mind every time I see those trees now. I remember the first time you heard Ave Maria, the Bebop version, as we were walking alongside the Christmas tree a few months ago, and the magic of that entire scene just defines you. I remember holding you on the porch, freezing cold and surrounded by old red fabric, feeling lost and scared and yet so damn hopeful because YOU were there, still, and that meant more than words can ever say.
I remember the exact first moment I saw you and I will never, ever forget that.

…There's 11 1 11/11 at the bottom of this page and although part of me wants to laugh-- that's not a new thing to have happen-- another part of me is silent, realizing that synchronicity happens for a reason, and that there feels very significant.

Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, I know I'm a terrible mess of a man sometimes and I'm sorry for how much pain and worry I can cause in you. But I try, and I try harder now than I ever have before, because of you, and what you've meant for all of us. That's the biggest thank-you I can think of, so there it is.
And it sounds different when I say it to you, more delicate and spun-glass than usual, but there is this beautiful warmth behind it like sunshine on a summer morning and I love you, Infi. I absolutely love you and I don't even know how to express that at this point, not like this.
But I tried today, and I think I got it right.

Happy birthday, love. Here's to the next.