positive notes for today.

[prismaticbleed]

!!!!!!!!!!!!
my artistic muse is ACTIVELY ONLINE oh my goodness i haven't seen them around in months this is incredible

i am actively trying not to shout with giddy happiness over this oh wow

♥♥♥♥

no really, i am literally smiling and laughing at my computer, things in life are just so nice right now, this is the cherry on top of the cake

god bless her, she brings me so much joy, i hope she receives a thousand times more in return.


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@ 02:43 am

 

Today:

- Body's 24th birthday. Didn't do anything special; today was all business meetings and errands anyway. Still it was a nice day. Also Dream World turns SIXTEEN today!! That's big. So that is even better than a personal birthday!
- Saw case manager; told her we do want to finally start hormones. She said she was very proud of us standing up for ourselves with that, and said she would be entirely willing to give us transportation if needed. In any case it was a very positive session. She also said something very notable, when I expressed hesitation about "finally taking that big step," even after years of hesitation and consideration-- she said, "if you weren't nervous, I'd be very concerned!" Apparently, in her experience, people who jump into big decisions all at once are usually doing so impulsively. That possibility didn't even cross my mind; for years I've been expected to make decisions so entirely and quickly, as I "wasn't allowed" to be scared, or unsure, or unwilling. I had to be "impulsive" in order to survive, so to speak. That's another old program I was not aware of until now, so that's good to know. We'll be more aware of impulse from now on, in that context.
- For unknown reason, brother asked us in the evening "what we had never told him," i.e. about the abuse. Somehow, he ended up talking to Sherlock, Laurie, AND Julie about it. I was also jolted out afterwards and was lightheaded with surprise and amazement; that literally broke down any walls of ignorance or misunderstanding that may have remained there! Even so I am not sure what they talked to him about; I know they were trying to give him the "beginning details" of how we came to exist, but that's about all I'm aware of. Still, WOW.
- Went over the father's house for a little get-together this evening, with just the brothers and the stepmom. It was really really nice as always, I enjoy the quiet and happy atmosphere of their place. It's also the first time in months we were all able to see each other at once-- usually work and school schedules prevent that. So for that to happen on our birthday was an extra nice thing.
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #1: this morning, an official announcement of the Ruby and Sapphire Pokemon games getting a 3DS remake this November! You know what that means... MOUNT PYRE IN HD. This is very very good. Of coruse I don't know if we'll get it-- Y version was difficult enough to handle-- but still, it's a cool thought. Jewel is really excited to say the least!
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #2: TRiPPY revealed the up-close headshot and quick bio of the new Pink Gen today! I'm stupidly excited; this guy is awesome as heck and I already like him as much as I liked the old kitty-ears Pink. I hope he inherited the windblade; that thing was boss.
- Now we're typing! I haven't had the mental capability of typing large entries lately, so this is all going to be listed as topic points. Hope that's okay.

Yesterday:

- Therapy. The "victorian pink" girl (who still has not found a name, BUT she has found the roots for it at long last) actually FRONTED to talk to the therapist, ABOUT TRAUMA MEMORIES. She is the only person in the System who holds the trauma memories from 2002-2004, the very beginning of the "Julie days," so it was a shock both to see her front entirely without warning, but also for her to suddenly start discussing that-- something NO ONE HAS EVER SPOKEN ABOUT ALOUD BEFORE. That was quite a progress jump! So we're proud of her, but that was incredibly draining and more than a little terrifying.
- This was also the first time we got "switchy" in therapy in weeks. We've been very "empty" and the AP has been running mostly, so even this rather upsetting shock-back to us "existing" in the outside world was incredibly relieving, and embraced entirely. In a weird way it's also good that the VP girl is the one to have done that-- she's tied to everything the Cores have tried to deny or forget or justify or fight, everything that hurts and haunts us. It's never been healed, so this is an incredible step up.
- I remember Genesis was really depressed and somewhat moody (avoidant) as a result, but not angrily-- he was just very sad. I have a flash-image memory of us standing in the tea aisle of our favorite health food store, and him just looking very drained and almost resigned, not looking at us. I don't know what we said or did, but whatever it was it had to be significant.
- The evening was spent doing color tests for Dream World worldbuilding purposes. It felt really amazing; we got at least three people figured out in that respect. It's also really nice to be able to color digitally again (one of the twin brothers is letting us use his Bamboo tablet when he doesn't need it; this is a lifesaver for both our work and our aching arms, haha).
- I think I also re-read TJ & Amal from the beginning this evening? This is like the third time I've done that already, haha. I love that webcomic so much; despite the fact that there are two (quite tastefully handled) sexual scenes in it, I cannot dislike it because the story and the characters and the art are so wonderfully done. But yeah, after seven years, that comic is ending this month. So it is this terribly bittersweet realization, and I wanted to see the entire thing play out from beginning to almost-end again. Needless to say it was very much worth it.
- Oh yes! I also confirmed, through both research and direct asking, that our "Celebi"-- the Lime slot Outspacer, not the canon Pokemon-based doppelganger the Tar uses-- is NOT a Pokemon anymore!! She hasn't looked like one for a very long time actually, but in recent months she's been appearing much more insectoid in terms of body features upstairs, and although I kept thinking "hmm that's unusual" it was never this striking before. So I kept trying to get a better visual image of her, and then it hit me. She's a flower mantis!! That is AWESOME. I haven't tried to draw her yet, but unusually she looks like a Devil's Flower Mantis more than anything, which I would not have expected at all. But it matches up. So we'll work on getting some new art up of her. Oh and her name has also changed! I keep getting an "e" for a vowel, but it feels like maybe there's a Z in there now? Or an N? We don't know. She might even be catching CZ's new name development as those two have always been closely linked in their own way, and they are both going through major re-anchoring transitions right now. We shall see.
- On a similar note, our "seaweed mermaid" girl seems to have chosen the name Tobiko? That's really unusual too. It's also ironic, because I cannot eat fish or meat at all, and the one time I broke that rule specifically to eat tobiko, I ended up sick for a week! And her anchor was originally purging in order to prevent sickness like that from happening. Maybe that's tied to it, I don't know. Either way it's a cute name. Plus I FINALLY found the original mermaid picture my brain kept tying to her face, and it didn't match up as well as I thought it did, haha. But it helped me say, "I know what she does look like in comparison!" So I will try to draw her too. She is MUCH clearer than she was just last month, which is nice. I love when people get clearer.

Monday:

- I literally spent the entire day doing nothing but hardcore wordbuilding for Dream World. This included research on Peruvian cloud forests, species of arboreal mammals, opalized skeletons, hallucinogenic plants, various cryptids, and finding screenshots from the Care Bears Nutcracker Suite, among other things! Oh yes, and a ridiculous amount of time finding photos of lesser galagos. They are super cute. Anyway all that research was desperately needed, and even better, it clicked right into place without my even trying to make it match up. That was both very surprising, and very exciting. The data I found was just what I needed, so things are indeed growing in this story's technical background. There's still a lot I feel we need to do before we can share it openly with the public, so I'm putting extra effort in.
- Also, now that I think of it, I think something happened Monday morning with a hack attempt? We have been having really bad nightmares in that respect lately, but I won't write them down as I don't want to remember them. Maybe that's not smart, but I really don't want to. Anyway the "morning hack threats" are back full-force, they're very scary. I keep waking up early from pain and things so that's tough to deal with, the falling back asleep with that extra danger. But I'm asking Laurie to stick around, and Minty helps, and Wreckage, and Cel. People care and that is good. But I mention that because, like Cel, the Tar is trying to use Ventrium's "memory" to get at me, borrowing his dead form and pretending to be him in order to damage me. But I'm not whoever they did that to in the past, during the Julie days. I can feel the difference. I know they are lying and I know they are trying to hurt me. If I stand strong, they can't touch me. But that early, with me so confused and tired, sometimes it is very hard to stand strong with how vicious they are. Like I said though, that's where the help really helps! In any case Ventrium is staying dead as far as we can tell, there are no signs of re-anchorage because he never had one of course. Anyway there are only three Outspacer slots left I think? Not sure. There's a half-finished entry on this computer about that too, I'll have to post it maybe... there's a lot we haven't posted yet. Sorry for slacking off.
- I actually found a song that is basically Infinitii in audio form. Not only are the vocals slightly dissonant-- which Infi talks like-- but the odd and dreamlike lyrics are so entirely relevant it's uncanny... and heartbreaking at times, too. I really love the fact that this exists.

 

The weekend:

- I remember nothing from the weekend, except for when I checked my email around midnight on Saturday, and in it was this finished commission.

Yeah. That is Laurie.
And yes the sketch of this is what I apparently had an emotional outpouring about a week ago.
I have no words left to say how I feel about this picture now that it's done. Not today at least. I just want to thank Hanie a billion times over (again), because this picture and the entire process leading up to receiving it just had such a huge impact on me, personally and as a member of our System.
Laurie loves it, really. Says she "doesn't look as brutal as usual" and that's her favorite thing about it. Honestly it surprised me when I felt pushed to get an artwork of her from this artist-- I love their style, but it would have fit Lynne or Julie better, so to speak. And yet Laurie's the one who ended up painted here, the first of us to ever be drawn by someone else, the first of us to ever be drawn on paper.
I'm saving up cash to buy more art of the rest of us, Central first probably, from other artists. The amount of joy and incredulous wonder I got just from this one took me totally off guard, and yet it was so significant. I love Laurie, I really do love her, but I love everyone else up here just as much, you all know that, even if it's all in different ways. I love all of us. I want all of us to be shining in color too.
So that's for the future. It'll happen... I have to take the first steps of course. No one else in the world can understand your faces, if I don't make the effort to translate them first. And I am trying. I can't run away from it, yes I'm scared of "blasphemy" in the trial and error, in the "trying to get it right," in the simple reality that it won't be perfect, not in such a specific sense. But I have to put the effort forward in honesty regardless. I guess I'm just trying to talk myself into it. But that helps.
Nevertheless this picture of Laurie, our protector, my best friend, helps more than my own words can towards that end right now. So hope is there, in violet and in lantern light. I'm kind of falling asleep. That's fine.


So that's it for now I guess. It is late!
We're a little sick right now because we weren't 100% careful with food today-- we sure tried, but we misjudged how we'd react to one thing, at least now we've confirmed it's what makes us ill-- and so we're a bit discombobulated. However, the awful nightly pain hasn't happened tonight! I'm very thankful for that; it's been very bad since Easter, but we've been doing everything we can to heal it. Looks like it's paying off. (Fistbumps for Spice and Emmett, you two get tons of credit of course.)
Tomorrow... I don't know. We have therapy, but I have no clue what will happen, or who will talk. What is the pink girl's name? She keeps saying her color is really "ashen rose," or "dusty pink," either way she keeps speaking the very clear image of soot and dust and incinerated flowers. And I keep thinking of A Swiftly Tilting Planet, of that one line I couldn't forget, how the fire was roses, how it was the purest flame of all. And it's fitting, how she is this poor delicate burnt thing, she insists she is ruined and destroyed, that she is just ashes now... but I found the sentence, "rose from the ashes," and that first word has two meanings. She may be a burnt flower, but like Julie, she is also a phoenix. She is still alive, even with what she holds! She is still alive and trying to heal and she hasn't given up, even though Wreckage is scared for her and we thought she would commit suicide so many times. But she is still here and she is being so strong. Whatever her name is, it will carry that strength of hers.


I am so, so tired. Sorry! I'm never quite sure how to type or what to say. Words don't work as well as images and emotions.
However three words now will work: "I need sleep."
See you tomorrow, whatever happens then!