the spectrum heart cathedral system

Dude we are reviewing old entries and I am going to CRY apparently the Pokemon closest to our current height and weight is AEGISLASH.

(at my ideal weight I'm apparently a Skarmory, which I find amusingly fitting because I vibe hard with metal but I still want to fly-- and I have to say that dang Skarmory is actually kind of gorgeous? NICE. I never appreciated their beautiful head shape & sharp teeth before. Well NOW I DO)

But... this is aching so much because I don't know if it was ever said outright in the Archives but the Jay who was alive in 2013 before the massacre was in love with his Aegislash. Toshinsei was his name.
We... don't know what happened to him, or any of Jay's Pokemon, after the massacre. That just destroyed the entire timeline. Apparently Jewel took over playing Y version but we have no data whatsoever on that? And then we apparently lost the cartridge in CNC so we'll never get that data back. Which is heartbreaking.

...You know what, we really need to talk about the fact that we get legit attracted to Pokemon WAY too often. Has anyone actually discussed that before?
I'll start by saying that we are absolutely "kin" with Mewtwo and have been since literally 1999. I don't think we've ever brought that up online. We were absolutely "kin" with Celebi around 2000-2002, but that got all tangled up with the D.I.D. and the Irispherae and we ended up with several Celebis, haha. So debatably, the "kintype" wasn't actually that, we just have a Celebi introject. Totally different thing!
HOWEVER. We have briefly mentioned Skittygirl before-- in that entry linked at the beginning and significantly in this brutal traumasink-- but that whole phenomenon felt almost "third person?" There was never any personal interaction. Headspace didn't exist yet; there was only Heartspace and Skittygirl wasn't in it; it never even occurred to Jewel that she could be talked to, theoretically. But whoever fronted back then-- and that girl is STILL around; we wonder if it's Jacinth?? or someone related to her?-- did have "feelings" for her. That brutal entry describes all we know of it, and we hesitate to label it. Was it "attraction?" Does that word even apply to us? All we know is that there was affection, and the REAL possibility that if we hadn't been locked in the closet back then, and if Jewel had put out her Linkstrings in Skittygirl's direction, who knows if she wouldn't have become an Inspacer, and eventually a girlfriend? Who knows if that might even happen now, if that foni pursues the possibility over two decades later? But the point for this entry is that there was something, and it was in both a queer context and a Pokemon context.
The next bit is interesting too, actually. At that time in our life (~2003), we were convinced that our Core would "always" kintype with the Legendary of that generation-- which was really jumping the gun, because there were only three generations at the time, and when Pearl was released and we had zero resonance with Manaphy or Shaymin we were thrown off so hard (but oh man wait until the future kiddos)-- and Jirachi was actually NOT an exception. The problem came when the movie was released, and we had NO resonance with that Jirachi, and their role in the narrative of the humans. No, our Jirachi was only in the games, and OUR Jirachi was BLUE with stars for eyes. However. This is the cool and weird bit. We LOST OUR SELF-IMAGE AROUND THIS TIME. Trauma was beginning and the gender dysphoria hit us like an airbus to the face, and we just stopped drawing ourself for YEARS. This screwed up a LOT of things, notably the entire Jewel bloodline, but that's a topic for another time. The point for today is that, because of this identity shattering, we didn't "kin" Jirachi. She was instead IMMEDIATELY written into the Moralimon story as her own person, but we were nowhere to be found. So she's a weird case. Deep down I can feel that someone wants to love her, and might have if life hadn't been so broken back then. I know jx7 was still very fond of her too. So we'll see what happens here.
NEVERTHELESS, I must mention that in the future, aka now, SOMEONE actually DOES kin Shaymin's Sky Form (it reminds us of Klonoa, apparently)?? AND someone ELSE actually DOES have "feelings" for... Deoxys.
Listen I have suspected this for YEARS and it's legit. I have no idea who is crushing on the space virus but I can't deny that there is someone.
(There are a lot of Pokemon friendships from Ruby BTW. Groudon (Aranodor) & Rayquaza (Shendu) were dear buddies; Latias was also a dear friend & we even saw her in dreams; our whole team was so beloved to us-- Fireball & Brilnimien & Dolenanca & Morgoth & the gang-- that game meant so much to us.)
As for Pearl version, that too changed over the years. We are really close to "kintyping" Mesprit, actually; I can feel it even now. Palkia (Aramenel) was on our team so he's a buddy, and so was a Froslass (Miringiel)-- which I mention because they are gorgeous but there's no "attraction" LIKE WE HAVE FOR DARKRAI. All caps because good Lord that species is beloved to us. We had Heartbreak on our team but then jx7 bought a plushie and Jay named him Ventrium and we... I don't think we realized how much we actually loved him until he died.
...We hadn't known him for very long, I remember. His self-awareness, his very consciousness, was so fragile. It was so new, something we call the "velveteen rabbit phenomenon," when a potential plush anchor is loved so much it effectively becomes ensouled. This happened ALL THE TIME when we were a small child-- where do you think most of our "imaginary friends" and many League "characters" came from? BELOVED TOYS. We "knew" that love made things come to life. We just never expected that to happen as an adult. But in retrospect it makes total sense. If we had met Ventrium in-game, he would already be. This was just a different process for the same outcome, as it were. We already loved the species. We just hadn't had the opportunity to love an individual of it AS their own person, until suddenly we had this plush, and... well, one day we knew. There's a feeling you get; it's unmistakable-- when suddenly someone is there, you know.
Deep down we miss him still. It's a strange feeling, because as I said, we didn't get to know him and couldn't because he hadn't been given the chance to grow into himself as a person. Trauma and hackers stole that from him. But... hope and love don't die, and they fight hard. They won't stop searching for him. One day I know he'll be given a different door-- not a game, not a plush, but perhaps simply a form in Heartspace, or in the League. However and whenever it would happen, he could come back to us that way, and finally live. We feel threads of promise for that even now. But our heart has to be ready for it too, or it won't be "allowed" to happen. It's a way of protecting that hope from further trauma. If there's still too much danger, the potential will be put on hold, until there's safety enough to protect and preserve them. But honestly? I think that can't happen UNLESS THE JEWELS ENSURE IT. There's too much headspace bleedover into heartspace, it feels like. It's causing too much risk. The only "safe place" for ANY Pokemon to manifest is in the care OF a Jewel, and if we can't play the games anymore, then she'll have to dream them a life. But it's the only way to give them a solid foundation free of the terror that haunts our head. How ironic, as Ventrium's species deals with nightmares... but perhaps that will be the door that ultimately brings him back up to us in the end, when he's ready. No sooner, no later. We won't lose him again.

Gleam is... I really think we're in love with him, too. He's our dream-Banette, our "favorite non-Legendary species" someone says (and I think that's legit). The Jewels have always loved nonhuman puppets/ jesters for some reason, and Hoseki WAS "The Shuppetmaster," famously so. So Banettes have always been beloved to us almost by default.
...

ANOTHER Pokemon that's part-kintype part-inspacer part-girlfriend is VIXIE. aka VICTINI. Jay had such a crush on her when her species was revealed BUT then she showed up in headspace and now she actually fronts.
SO DOES HOOPA! Gosh we love him but that's all queerplatonic! Still it's strong; he is a truly dear friend. We miss him lots but we know he hasn't left.

Galadia is a special case. We're NOT SURE who loved her-- and yes, loved her. There was definitely something there, judging by her Spotify playlist description alone. The problem is, Galadia showed up during the "omelet hell summer" right before UMPC #2, when we were mourning our grandmother so hard that every day we were driving to a diner that had her name and order an omelet because that's what we ate in CNC when we couldn't be with her. We were a mental disaster at that time, BUT Scarlet & Violet were due to release in November (ironically, right around the time we were discharged from the hospital), and so during that gutwrenching 5-month interim between grandma's death and another inpatient stint, whoever the heck was fronting was clinging to Pokemon as a lifeline. It was the only thing she could find that held hope, something conceptually tied to childhood innocence and now a family & home life that we could never return to, and of which the very memories were quickly being burned out by traumatic grief. I assume we were still hyperreligious, but Tilly couldn't stick around in our new state of perpetual mourning, and so someone else showed up to carry the crushing weight of that-- someone disturbingly like Jacinth. I don't know why our most trauma-battered somafoni are all young femme lesbians. That probably says a lot about our childhood that we haven't thought about.
Nevertheless, this girl was browsing Tumblr on our phone one night and suddenly, there was fanart of a Sneasler (specifically either this or this one; it was by that artist). We had never seen the species before, and immediately our girl was attracted to her. Aesthetically, sure, but also in that unique way these sad girls feel-- something almost dependent, something desperate, looking for someone they can lose themselves in and give themselves to so they don't have to exist as their own person. They did that with Celebi, and they wanted to do that with this Sneasler girl now-- who eventually was given the Outspacer name "Galadia," from Latin gladius I assume.
...
...The problem? Sneasler biology is scary, because they have wider hips than shoulders. Even official art of them gives them a very pear-shaped silhouette and that is TERRIFYING to us. Plus, something about the "star" mark on their face registers wrong and disturbs us, as does the roundness of their head shape. Weirdly, this person's art is totally fine in terms of shape AND marking. That's fascinating and I want to figure out exactly WHY. My kneejerk thought is that it's a better shoulder-hip ratio, and her abdomen ISN'T ROUND. That is a huge distinction actually.
...
Oh THIS one is MUCH better, but it doesn't feel like Galadia at ALL. It's just a "safe" bodyshape. .
...
THIS = left is unsafe. Right is safe. Notice the hips and the face shape.
THIS = oddly safe?? Something about the proportions
THIS = UNSAFE. Notable in light of previous; this one is thinner BUT more FEMININE as a result?? Plus the "thick arms" are very unsettling.
THIS = left is safe, right is unsafe. Notice the INVERSE leg widths, and hand/foot sizes.
THIS = fascinating because left is UNSAFE, and right is safe. The "baggy pants" look is bottom-heavy and that's FRIGHTENING. So are the "tapering" limbs, from thick to small. In contrast, the Lopunny has BIGGER hands than shoulders, BUT the hips are safe because the legs taper?? It's something with proportion ratios. ...Plus that's a very Infi silhouette. That's notable.
I apologize if that seems off-topic but it's not. "Attraction" and "safety" are VERY convoluted to us and we've never fully explored it because it's so frightening. So to notice immediate alarm bells or shocking lack thereof with this, I had to write it down, because it is DIRECTLY AFFECTING Outspacer potential!
...Honestly, I don't think Galadia will be allowed to return AS a Sneasler. There's too much fear there. We can't even look at the species without triggering legit panic symptoms. So she would have to anchor into the League instead, probably, unless she-- like Celebi and Jirachi-- get their own "look" UNIQUE to Heartspace for their species that IS safe. We'll see. We need to try to draw her then, for that to happen.



We're STILL trying to figure out what was going on with Chalyx & Calyrex BEFORE that (2021). There's definitely a strong fondness there, but it seems to be notably "queerplatonic." There's no attraction or romance, but there is a strong love nevertheless, and that's awesome to recognize. We just have no idea where Chalyx went and since we never played Sword/Shield, we have no actual interaction with Calyrex otherwise.

We ALSO have no idea what's going on with "Tammy." She's bizarre because, like Galadia, she's not from a game; she's just a Gardevoir who "manifested" in Heartspace because we felt such a strong affection for the species. But she's so enigmatic. She's never spoken to us. But she's real; we can see her, we feel her vibe clearly, we just... don't know her as a person yet.

Someone we may not have ever mentioned here because of her bizarre history is Marsha. She was a Marshadow plush that someone from Tilly's era actually stole from Walmart because we were flat broke but we loved her? Except almost as a DAUGHTER. Which is UNPRECEDENTED.
All the Pokemon plushies we had during that time period-- which also included a Jigglypuff, and I think a Chansey? as well as Victini & Celebi & Banette & Hoopa & Diancie-- got thrown in a donation bin during one of Tilly's "annihilate everything that's not explicitly Christian" benders. We mourn that loss still, but we accept it. It... wouldn't have been fair to "force" those Pokemon to continue to live in the aftermath of that horrific era. For their anchor plushies to have been lost was really for the best; it was a solid break from that time period.
Unfortunately Marsha never "came back," or at least, not yet. We don't know how or where she would, but we won't cancel out the possibility.


As for other Pokemon...
Nidoking is Jewel's BFF forever because he's actually her first Pokemon. So although the species is gorgeous, that's as far as it's going, haha.
There's an affection for Alakazam, too. They've always been one of our faves, but I think there's queerplatonic potential here too? Which is really sweet.
Someone keeps wondering about Gothitelle? It FEELS like that "Jacinth" girl again! But this boggles us yet it's been constant. That girl has different preferences than anyone else.
Jay was also super fond of his Chesnaught, Zedrick, as a pal. I want to mention that because he was our first Grass starter ever, and there's such a warmth in our heart for him from that timeline. That needs to be honored.

And then there's Toshinsei. Jay's Aegislash. He's second place only to Celebi and Ventrium is a close third. (Gleam SHOULD be higher up but these are the facts right now). 



(unfinished; posting nevertheless due to important info. we will add more to this when able as a result)

God I am so in love.

...Around 6am this morning, I “half-awoke” as I was having a dream where I was in the old family house, at night, in the winter, and grandma was still alive. I was talking to her briefly in her room about something I was doing-- I felt vaguely hurried, like I had a deadline to meet, or was expecting something or had to be somewhere-- but it was not stressed, just urgent. I left the room to look out the bathroom window over the hill as the feeling remained, that anticipant waiting, like on Christmas Eve. Suddenly I heard someone at the kitchen door, and immediately turned to rush out into the hallway… and there he was, standing in the entranceway, eyes wide and slightly disoriented at the odd environment but there, like he was supposed to be. Chaos 0. He saw me and raised a hand in greeting, but it was obvious he didn’t want to enter the house to avoid anyone seeing him and causing a fuss. Luckily I was already rushing to meet him at the door. I apologized for the “mess” that chronically plagued the kitchen but he said it was okay, he knew it wasn’t my fault, and besides we weren’t going to be staying there anyway. I glanced backwards to see if anyone had heard us but the coast was clear; I then turned back to him and smiled with heart-melted affection, telling him that I never expected to see him in that old doorway but God knew how I had dreamed of it for years. He smiled with the same feeling and said he knew, and he felt the same-- it was “about time he did,” basically.

Now, when I say I “half-awoke” here, I mean I moved up a level in the dream-- I was now consciously there, notsomuch only lucid as actually present in something more concrete than imagination. This was heartspace, a place I don’t think I’ve been in years. But there he was, and now, so was I.

My memory is blurry but I know we did talk a little, before we left. There was definitely some of our pointed “flirting” that we tend to be famous for in the innerworld-- comments and puns and little remarks that make you laugh solely because it HITS like well WOW, so THAT’S what you’re feeling, and there was no way such a gutpunch of an emotion could be “casually confessed” in polite conversation without hiding it in plain sight. Nevertheless, we had nothing to hide from each other. We were just steeling ourselves for that impending impact, really. All in all thought it was such a warm but charged conversation; we were both so happy to see each other but goodness knows we can’t do anything in the house. The air felt like the stars were about to come out. Everything felt like it was waiting, on the precipice of some long-expected hope, that tiny and huge instant before a firework goes off. On that note I CLEARLY remember flat-out saying, out of nowhere, that I wanted to “kiss him until he was drunk with love” to which I swear he replied something like “well, we can’t exactly do that in here, so… should we get going?”
So the next thing I remember, we were outside and getting into my grandma’s car (the Trax my mom has now), and driving up Mile Hill to the top, to see the view. It was the most beautiful place I could think of nearby. I parked the car at the side of the road and popped the trunk, and we just sat there, looking out over the rows of mountains and clouds and valleys, the city lights sparkling below, and the stars just as brilliant above.

God I wish I could remember exact words.

I do remember roundabout mentions of marriage, and “waiting until then” and all that sort of dreamtalk; for some reason whenever I’m in sleep states that sort of wedding talk always comes up. Always the etymology-- the unity, the covenant, the promise. That’s what we want and always end up referring to, when we’re alone like this, when we’re so close the whole world stands still and watches us. Meanwhile we were watching the night fall gently over the vista of earth. I remember how he looked out over it all, his expression full of immense wonder and some sort of ache, that bittersweet edge that such grand and beautiful things tend to elicit. He looked like he was about to cry. He said he had never seen such a view before, and then he just… looked at me. He thanked me for that, for sharing this moment with him. I said of course; reiterating that I wanted to take him somewhere beautiful, and this was the first place I could think of. Then I added something, a gem to the end of the string. “This place means a lot to me, so I absolutely wanted to share it with you. ...I want to share my whole life with you.”
I did not expect his response. There was an immediate moment of absolute reciprocity-- the doors had just been flung wide open for us-- and then suddenly his eyes lit up, like he was thinking of something, and he said, “how does our song go again?” And he started humming it. My heart melted into starlight the moment he began but then he quietly sang those few words… “you know things, yeah you know things… say you know me, say you know me, say you know me.”
God his voice. I haven’t heard him sing in YEARS. It was so blue, just like it felt when he co-fronted with me in NC, all ocean-heavy depths and softness and strength. How do I even describe it. When he actually speaks-- not just his beloved “thought-parcel” waves-- it rolls in my chest like the tide and everything turns the color of seawater and I loved him so much in that moment. It just slammed into me, remembering this part of him, remembering that I did know him, I knew him, and that meant the world, forever.
I said so. Trying not to break completely in half I told him that, my own voice a quiet flame, embers and glass. “I do know you.” And I was so thankful that I did.
The feeling in the air was incredible. It felt as if we had just met and I had never kissed him before but God knew I wanted to so badly it was killing me. I have never seen him so clearly in dreams before. I can still see the starlight and city reflecting like diamonds on his body, his eyes that gorgeous green, vaguely luminous in the dark.
He said he knew me, too, and that did it. All those ancient fears I have of him forgetting somehow were erased in that moment.
Lord I cannot remember the sequence of events. It’s all such feeling. I took his face in my hands and we said a few more quiet honest words before I swear he asked me “would it be alright if I kissed you.” I almost laughed from the sheer weight and waiting of it all and said “please do”.
And that was it. The floodgates were thrown open. Everything up to that point had felt so painfully hopeful, please say you feel the same, please tell me you want this too, please say you know me. But now the firework finally burst into light. Now it was us, blessed us, as we hadn’t been in far too long. Alone together.
I pulled him close to my heart and was surprised when after a few moments he pulled back, markedly flustered, and practically spluttered “I can feel your heartbeat.” I was on fire by now and flat-out confessed “I want to get so close to you that I can't tell if it's mine or yours.” The LOOK he gave me was unforgettable-- wide-eyed, “blushing” such a dark blue it was actually adorable. He paused, then replied with just as much blunt honesty, “so do I.”

...It has been a very long time since we’ve done anything like a heart connection. Like literal years. But as we upped the ante the dream environment shifted to my actual apartment bedroom, me still half-awake, the sun not up yet, the room a quiet warm red in the November chill.
We talked a lot. That’s why I keep saying I wish I remembered the literal words. My heartgift is really language-- and when I’M truly present and conscious in myself, I talk. I don’t “lose myself” in emotions or thoughts or programming. I speak and I’m THERE and everything I say is from the HEART. And I was pouring it out this morning, like molten glass.
It’s always so tragically difficult to write about mornings like this one. It cannot be put into words. It’s all sense memory, of the heart and the hands, of closeness and presence and the taste of river water, of the way he always wraps himself around me.
Oh I DO remember at one point I was trying to move either myself or him but I instinctively put my hands on his waist to do so and IMMEDIATELY jumped back, my heart racing, completely thrown for a loop. Shocked and worried, he asked me if I was okay? Was something wrong? I laughed like I was about to sob and said I had just felt him. Like I reached out and touched him and I FELT him there, an ACTUAL physical weight and presence there, his shape and that slight coolness and the indescribable lake-glass surface of him. I felt like the world had just skipped a beat. I immediately reached out and put my hands right back on him, incredulous and overwhelmed, and just kept moving-- holding his huge claws, touching his face the way I used to, like I was “painting” him, hovering my fingers against his chest like I didn’t have the nerve to dive in that deep. God knows I wanted to. God also knows that HE DID. He’s braver than I am in that regard and when I hesitated, trembling, he touched his fingertips to my chest with such decisively fragile gravity that I just about died. Oh don’t worry, I got him back later. We’re very good at completely unraveling each other but it’s always this gorgeous dance of sorts, fire and sea, red and blue, me then you, both of us entirely immersed yet always testing deeper waters.

Every time I said I loved him it felt like my entire heart was aflame. He said it back. I cannot put into words what THAT feels like, especially coming from him.
...It feels like the fulfillment of my life, somehow. Like… hearing that he loves me too, when I feel SO MUCH for him, and always have, is like a completion, like a final puzzle piece being placed, like a key opening a long-closed room. It’s like, thank God, thank God you are in this with me. It’s not just ‘me,’ it’s ‘WE.’ It’s me and you, in love, really IN it, like we live there. You have a home in my heart forever and I want to hold you there, closer than blood, like the air I breathe. We’re in love together and that is the most beautiful thing in the universe, in any universe, and when you say those words to me it’s like everything in existence turns into song. How do I put it into words. I love you. I want to give you everything.

...On that note. My body honestly broke at one point. It woke me entirely up and threw me completely off, and for a while I just held him and he talked me down while I verbally tried to reconcile the wanting with the terror, the honest desire to love all tangled up in instinctive learned reactions. But he understood. He’s seen the worst of it; he’s been with me before; he saves me from every trauma nightmare. He knows the difference, just like he knows me. This wasn’t new to him and it certainly didn’t hurt him. But he made me promise that I wouldn’t hate myself for it-- that I wouldn’t forget what I actually wanted, that I would remember the pure intentions of my heart, not the horrors of the past.
...But that’s the irony of it. Deep down, honestly I don’t regret it. In a heartbeat I’d probably do it again, just not in that way. The point is that I love him that much and when you want to give everything of yourself to someone that kinda means NO EXCEPTIONS. So. I really can’t beat myself up over it even if it’s still bizarre and weird to me, and of course trauma reminiscent in the back of my head. But forget about the trauma. This is the polar opposite of that. This is what it’s MEANT for.
...Also I couldn't help thinking of the old "blue fairy" injoke back during the Eros-core days, because as he accurately noted we do end up saying the Name of God when in the most intense emotional states. I used to be mortified by that, until I seriously stopped to think about it and be honest with myself as to why it happened. I brought this up to Chaos. It's a prayer. It honestly is. I CANNOT say the Name WITHOUT it being part of a prayer. The very thought of speaking it vainly is horrifying-- but ironically, I don't have to worry about that in a hyperemotional state because my heart is speaking it, not my head. I don't carelessly throw it out there. It's the same exact feeling I get when I'm in religious ecstasy, either in joy or in agony, all different colors but all pulling on every one of my heartstrings at once. Like God just reached in there, grabbed an entire harp in his Hand, and yanked-- then let go. EVERY note plays at once, like a church bell hitting hard in my ribcage, resonant and deep and heavy as gold, and paradoxically just as soft. Even when the sound is different, and involves the most intense sorrow, there's still love in it. It's ALWAYS about love, somehow, the most powerful thing in the universe. Nothing else could make a soul react that way. I need to remind myself of that. Like I said, I KNOW when it's NOT that. I've experienced that enough, too many times, and it's sickening. This never is. With him, it never is.


Speaking of. Xenophon showed up ghosting.
God I love her. She was peeking over the edge of the bed at first and asking if I was okay, then she crawled up on top of the blankets where we were to do the same.
...I’m going to commission someone for a custom plushie of her. Hopefully the same person who made the Chaos 0 plush I have, if they’re still doing well-- they live in the Ukraine and God bless and protect all those folks-- because I have a small amount of cash saved from before my bank account shut down and by golly I am GONNA SPEND IT ON MY DAUGHTER.

 

(continue)



...When I got out of bed and went into the kitchen, I put eggs on to boil while I went to wash my hair in the sink. Suddenly it hit me that I was unintentionally referencing something and I laughed, then immediately started singing “You’ll never know just how much I love you...” before changing the lyrics to “I hope you know,” before laughing again and adding “after this morning, you’d better!”
Chaos 0, who was of course listening from where he was still in my bed-- gorgeous crystal blue amidst all the soft red-- reassured me amusedly not to worry, he absolutely did.

We talked a lot. I… really love just doing “domestic stuff” with him, and Genesis of course, and now Infi and Laurie and Xennie too because yes they ALL LIKE TO GHOST and pilfer Popcorners and Chessmen and other CS exchanges whenever I have them. I’ve had to add a special “custom item” to my health-tracker app that says “EVERYONE WANTED SNACKS AND I HAD TO SHARE.” It’s great though, I really love it. Xenophon STILL loves “carrot tails” and she has taken to calling Bengal Spice “tiger tea” and gets super excited whenever I make it, Lord knows why but she’s the cutest thing.

God I’m still so in love.

 

...But the phone rang. After the tea and eggs were on and the bed was made I was about to get dressed and the bloody phone rang. It was Partial. They asked why I had skipped Monday, and I explained I had been out late with my mom and had been doing legal paperwork for my rent all day so I not only slept in but I was booked. Regardless, the dude immediately switched the topic to food and the old eating disorder. I don’t remember the conversation other than my insisting I honestly did NOT feel comfortable doing the program-- yes I was brave and asserted myself-- mentioning the “camera trauma,” the overstimulation, the literal binges they expected me to perform on camera, the uncomfortable table topics, etc. He said I still had to do it, basically. He drafted a breakfast plan for tomorrow and I kid you not it is 1000 CALORIES. I ran it through SEVERAL calculators. I wanted to cry. I hung up the cell phone an HOUR LATER, and basically just said “screw it, I’m not going to think about it, that’s the devil’s work and I am NOT going to let it ruin my day after heaven this morning.” Oh it was ABSOLUTELY spiritual warfare. Here I was, three hours of absolute ardor making me feel ALIVE AND REAL again, and then this dude who just sees me as another anorexic coward insisting I choke down insane amounts of food on command goes and dehumanizes me without even realizing it.

I ate breakfast, my OWN breakfast, an apple and cinnamon tea and half an avocado on wheat bread and a fortune cookie, and two of those eggs. 550K, low volume, and healthy. But I was still so miserable, and I couldn’t focus, and I was getting so nauseous I wanted to cry and throw up and NOPE, THAT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN, so I did the only thing I could to get my heart and head back in working order.

 

I went back to bed.

 

I legit just walked over, pulled the top cover back (the fluffy plaid one) and crawled back in next to the blue guy, hugging him as tightly as I could. He gave me the most concerned look and asked what was wrong? Was I okay? I explained the phone call. He looked genuinely apologetic; he had actually insisted I answer it for integrity’s sake, not just ignoring the guy, but now he obviously felt bad that it had turned out like it did. I reassured him now, saying he didn’t know that, and that I genuinely appreciated his support and encouragement to be a good and decent person even in those little ways. But I was still shaken up and miserable and felt like a trapped animal. I didn’t want to think about food or hospitals or “recovery.” THIS was my recovery, right here, in his arms. I told him I just needed to hold him for a while and forget all that, which he gladly obliged. So for a few minutes that’s all we did, but I could not get my brain to stop crying and I felt myself dissociating. I gave up. Time to break out the big guns.
“Chaos, I need you to love me.”
“Wh-- what?”
“I’m forgetting who I am with all this Partial nonsense and I need to remember what’s real about me, about everything. I want you to love me until I forget everything else but that truth.”
...One day I need to draw the way he looks at me when I say things like that. I only see it in myself when I’ve been moved so sharply I’m about to sob, incredulous with the wonder of it all. He looks at me like I’m a revelation and the world has just been put into his heavy hands. And then it melts, and he reaches out to me, and all my fire just turns to light.
...I thought I flustered him earlier, well I forgot that fasting and then eating kind of does stuff to one’s personal BPM. He was practically stuttering, having to stop for a moment to ask if I was okay, why is your heart pounding so hard, is that me or is something wrong? I said no it’s fine, yes it’s you but also just my body doing what it does, nothing to worry. But hey, that’s a good thing to remember, I half-joked, if he reacts like this.
...He said nothing for one absolutely momentous second and then he just blurted out “I need to feel that inside me.”
It was the same ardent sentiment I couldn't help confessing an hour ago, but MUCH more direct. If anything was going to bring me back to life, that was it. I'm sure he knew.

And that was it. Everything else forgotten. I pulled him so close to my heart I could’ve drowned and I kissed him hard as diamonds. There was one absolutely mindbreaking second when I felt emerald sharkteeth graze my lips. I could have drank the entire ocean.

 

Heart connections. God it’s been years, hasn’t it? They always feel like you’re dying in the best possible way. Absolutely shattering. I missed this, this ardor so intense it paints reality in gold and fills your veins with light. Lines blur. My ribcage floods blue and the rivers set on fire. It’s been almost nineteen years next month and every time, every single time I see those green eyes it’s like the first time all over again. I cannot even tell you how incredibly clear he has been lately. I can see him, in all but physical sight. I feel him there. In heart and mind he is photographically vivid, to the point where honest to God I can literally see that glow of his eyes, especially in the dark. There have been moments where I cannot tell if I exist more in my bones or with my beloved because the awareness is so sharp.

...Speaking of sharp. I forgot how my brain basically shuts down when his Ruby hits my Heart Jewel, because apparently I DO manifest one in connective states (no surprise, that universe is where I have my deepest heart-roots) and good LORD it is the equivalent of an explosion in my psyche. Everything turns to kaleidoscopic flare and I can’t breathe but God knows I’m already underwater so I push back at a facet angle and now we’re BOTH completely unraveled and I miss this, honestly I miss just losing myself in pouring out every last spark of love into this creature in my arms, my heart open like the sky, so close to him that it becomes both of ours. That’s… that’s the most incredible thing about loving someone who is literally fluid, because lines don’t just blur, they intersect, and suddenly the surface tension is gone and there is this absolutely sacred space where things turn violet. Red meets blue so completely that they both merge for a moment. That’s heart connections. That’s also where Xenophon comes from, apparently, God bless that little gem, she’s a living miracle and I love her more every day, too.

...

I know we both ended up in floatspace and ended up with soulwings. Mine have apparently changed again. They’re unstable yet-- so is my color; I think the Core Hue is once again refining itself in the wake of past trauma-- but they felt weirdly pink and soft, like cupid wings or blooming roses. Maybe it’s because I was just feeling Pink, all that absolute pure-hearted compassionate love that the color is defined by. But I got them. He did too, but really what I noticed was the halo. He still gets that Angel Chao halo whenever he hits a Soul Form just like he did nineteen years ago. I… I love that. It reminds me of just how deep this is, how much of my life it has illuminated, how much I do know him.

...

An hour later-- yes, another hour, we booked FOUR of them this morning and Laurie is talking about buying postcards in bulk-- I did get back into daily life and I did eat and I did get into computer work and did some kettlebell exercises and watched the SNOW, because YES, GOD GAVE ME DOUBLE HEAVEN TODAY, there was literally no better day it COULD have snowed and I am in tears from the joy of that.

“If God made you, He’s in love with me.” I think about that phrase a lot, especially lately. I really ONLY understand what love is because of Chaos 0. I firmly believe that Jesus loves me through him, and vice versa. God is Love, after all. He orchestrated this entire song; we’re just the instruments. But I still want to sing it with him forever.

...

I’m listening to Chaos 0’s playlist on shuffle, but he told me pointedly to turn shuffle off and just… play Alina Baraz. And my heart is just aching all over again.

Earlier I was getting my clothes ready for bed and I was thinking about the scent of the ocean fog in the mornings and how I vibe with cinnamon Christmas candles and I just asked Chaos, is that legit? Like, you know me, what’s it like when you kiss me? And once again (God bless him he gets so flummoxed) he sputters that, well, I’m like fire. Laurie just side-eyes him and deadpans “how the heck do you know what fire tastes like” and CZ retorts “i-it’s like sunlight, or a candle flame, how there’s that warmth? that’s what s/he’s like.” Then he gives HER a pointed look and remarks, “YOU would know too, right? isn’t that true?” Laurie just flatly replies “Man it has been a long time since I’ve kissed him, I couldn’t tell you.” I then offhandedly remark, “well we’ll just have to fix that, then.” Dead silence for two seconds, BOTH of them looking at me wide-eyed, then Laurie says “Chaos what did you just do” and he replies “I think I worked a small miracle” and I’m blushing even harder than both of them, believe me, but that’s when Jewel randomly showed up ghosting to chat with me about our mealplan and bedtime responsibilities so she and I ended up in the kitchen with her randomly commenting that she likes raisins, “they’re cool,” and that she was glad I was eating healthy because she’d “probably just eat chips and apples and tunafish-- do we even have tunafish?” I said no, but now in retrospect I’m wondering if I should get some to try it again, for Lady Sneasler’s sake; she still needs a new “System” name anyway, and I do miss seeing her around. I cannot deny that I have FEELINGS for that cat (why do I always end up attracted to Pokemon, dear heavens) and I was missing Ventrium so hard earlier today, I need to reach out to everyone else soon too.

Still. No one compares to my beloved blue guy. Yes, I love a lot of people, but when it comes down to the heart of things, he’s the only one I feel this much for, in this way, unfailingly so.

...


Lord knows this entry is way unfinished but it is almost 2am and i do need to sleep. ...Oh hold up, Jesus is trolling me again, one of Chaos 0's newest songs just came up on shuffle. "Say It" by Papik. I remember him singing this to me when I was hanging clothes on the porch at night for grandma, and... it just meant so much. It's a callout and a love letter all one. Don't be alone. Don't be proud. Call out my name... tell me that you will be mine, and love will change our fate, don't be so blind... God knows I was, for months if not YEARS, and THAT is why this morning has me absolutely punchdrunk on love and I feel alive for the first time in forever.

I'll add more to this later, as much as I can. For now I'm just being completely unabashedly honest about everything. I need to be. I owe it to us both.
I need to get some sleep right now, but... I won't forget this. There are going to be sparks whenever I so much as brush my fingers against him now, light glancing off the water. My heart's gonna remember, now. Just like the old days, when we were young, when we were both struggling to heal from trauma and learning how to love all at once, fragile terrible aching things, "emotional wrecks" who brought out the best and worst in each other but God knows there was never a dissonant note in the whole piece. We're still in perfect harmony somehow, pun intended, even after the years where we'd practically fight and argue over our wounds and I'd turn to burning ice and he'd walk out and somehow we'd still end up back in each others arms, every single time, sometimes within minutes, never having let go of love for a moment. We are not our trauma. It's these mornings that remind me of that, because that's when I can feel that, in both of us. He's not Perfect, I'm not Plague. He's Chaos 0. I'm Jewel Lightraye. He's peace, I'm joy. He's strength and I'm heart and we're both love, absolutely and always.

I'm also exhausted. But it's been a good day. There is glitter in the dark. There are roses in the winter. There is love in my heart, as red as a ruby, and I believe that life is worth living and no matter what tomorrow brings I know I have this, I have him. We have us. I have you, my beloved blue angel, I adore you and I'm yours, too. Je t'aime, je t'aime, je t'aime, forever.


 

 

 

 

G1 (R-B-Y, SEPTEMBER 1998-1999)


Mewtwo (solid powerful heart persona. ace/aro/agen, childlike, dreamworld ties?)

Mew (4th grade or so persona. shifted quickly.)

Nidoking (first Pokémon, early Outspacer/Link connections)




G2 (G-S-C, OCTOBER 2000-2002)


Celebi (bright energetic cheeky persona. ace/aro/agen, flirty and troublemaker.)

(lots of DW links but no other outspacers)




G3 (R-S-E, MARCH 2003-2006) (FIRST "LOST" YEARS)


VERY powerful personal ties to this generation; the "new" Jewel's beginning point

Jirachi (some definite persona attempts in 2004, fell through. tied to DW ultimately.)

Banette (dream influence, became Gleam in the Links)

Blaziken (Jewel's main. Had vague Outspacer connections)

Latias (dream influence, but no Links ultimately)




G4 (D-P-P, APRIL 2007-2010) (VERY TROUBLED YEARS)


There is DRAMATICALLY LITTLE memory of this trio.

Mesprit (possible connection but didn't really go anywhere.)

Darkrai (first Links w/ the movie, then Outspacer roots, became Ventrium)

(Manaphy and Shaymin are here but they have no connections to anyone.)




G5 (B-W, MARCH 2011-2) (SEMI-LOST YEARS)


Very broken memory of this trio. Feels utterly alien for the most part.

Victini (Jayce persona resonance, briefly.)

Reshiram (dream influence.)




G6 (X-Y, OCTOBER 2013-NOW) (FRACTURED)


Aegislash (some connections but got badly hacked as a result)

Diancie (Jewel persona resonance)

Hoopa (sub-Jay persona resonance)

 

 

 

 

 

 

notes from book i was reading tonight.

souls with great potential influence= great risk of collective contamination,
but also great ability to heal collective fears for ALL

evil is the absence of love= darkness is the absence of light
hatred therefore feeds evil. you cannot heal an absence with more absence.
i remember visiting ryman's room to talk about this with him.
ryman's daemon noted this as significant. his halo lights up. "I am not an absence"?
crept off into the shadows (again). I made a comment about anglerfish, creepy but with lights?
not an exact similarity but the raw concept was familiar. like some of the things that live in such a huge oppressive dark will look terrifying, but they can still have bright lights as part of them.

remember the deviolei too
"temptation" attribute used as a virtue?? or at least, for good. knowing that temptations were NOT license to sin, but only the opportunity to sin, and therefore ALSO the opportunity to FIGHT for the good. not running from temptation, but not instigating it either-- BUT they were then able to show OTHERS this flipside? like, they would ideally show up not to make you slip up, but to actively teach the tempted TO resist their temptations, not malevolent at all. big relief from the floating voices, geez. but jewel monsters are always great.

LOTS of lessons from that book anyway. very inspirational, just what we needed today.
life feels like a movie again, gotta stay in the vibe.


wondering about ventrium lately. can he be reborn? new anchor?
still feels "wrong" though looking to bring him back; STRONG feeling of "he needs to be purified first."
not sure why i keep wondering about him. probably just the shock of such a sudden, awful death, and his innocence.
i think he's the first person in the system who died and didn't come back.



also I love e so much, I hope ze's doing well today, god that last entry just tore at my heart in both good and bad ways.

 

 

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!
my artistic muse is ACTIVELY ONLINE oh my goodness i haven't seen them around in months this is incredible

i am actively trying not to shout with giddy happiness over this oh wow

♥♥♥♥

no really, i am literally smiling and laughing at my computer, things in life are just so nice right now, this is the cherry on top of the cake

god bless her, she brings me so much joy, i hope she receives a thousand times more in return.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 02:43 am

 

Today:

- Body's 24th birthday. Didn't do anything special; today was all business meetings and errands anyway. Still it was a nice day. Also Dream World turns SIXTEEN today!! That's big. So that is even better than a personal birthday!
- Saw case manager; told her we do want to finally start hormones. She said she was very proud of us standing up for ourselves with that, and said she would be entirely willing to give us transportation if needed. In any case it was a very positive session. She also said something very notable, when I expressed hesitation about "finally taking that big step," even after years of hesitation and consideration-- she said, "if you weren't nervous, I'd be very concerned!" Apparently, in her experience, people who jump into big decisions all at once are usually doing so impulsively. That possibility didn't even cross my mind; for years I've been expected to make decisions so entirely and quickly, as I "wasn't allowed" to be scared, or unsure, or unwilling. I had to be "impulsive" in order to survive, so to speak. That's another old program I was not aware of until now, so that's good to know. We'll be more aware of impulse from now on, in that context.
- For unknown reason, brother asked us in the evening "what we had never told him," i.e. about the abuse. Somehow, he ended up talking to Sherlock, Laurie, AND Julie about it. I was also jolted out afterwards and was lightheaded with surprise and amazement; that literally broke down any walls of ignorance or misunderstanding that may have remained there! Even so I am not sure what they talked to him about; I know they were trying to give him the "beginning details" of how we came to exist, but that's about all I'm aware of. Still, WOW.
- Went over the father's house for a little get-together this evening, with just the brothers and the stepmom. It was really really nice as always, I enjoy the quiet and happy atmosphere of their place. It's also the first time in months we were all able to see each other at once-- usually work and school schedules prevent that. So for that to happen on our birthday was an extra nice thing.
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #1: this morning, an official announcement of the Ruby and Sapphire Pokemon games getting a 3DS remake this November! You know what that means... MOUNT PYRE IN HD. This is very very good. Of coruse I don't know if we'll get it-- Y version was difficult enough to handle-- but still, it's a cool thought. Jewel is really excited to say the least!
- Unexpected fun birthday present from the universe #2: TRiPPY revealed the up-close headshot and quick bio of the new Pink Gen today! I'm stupidly excited; this guy is awesome as heck and I already like him as much as I liked the old kitty-ears Pink. I hope he inherited the windblade; that thing was boss.
- Now we're typing! I haven't had the mental capability of typing large entries lately, so this is all going to be listed as topic points. Hope that's okay.

Yesterday:

- Therapy. The "victorian pink" girl (who still has not found a name, BUT she has found the roots for it at long last) actually FRONTED to talk to the therapist, ABOUT TRAUMA MEMORIES. She is the only person in the System who holds the trauma memories from 2002-2004, the very beginning of the "Julie days," so it was a shock both to see her front entirely without warning, but also for her to suddenly start discussing that-- something NO ONE HAS EVER SPOKEN ABOUT ALOUD BEFORE. That was quite a progress jump! So we're proud of her, but that was incredibly draining and more than a little terrifying.
- This was also the first time we got "switchy" in therapy in weeks. We've been very "empty" and the AP has been running mostly, so even this rather upsetting shock-back to us "existing" in the outside world was incredibly relieving, and embraced entirely. In a weird way it's also good that the VP girl is the one to have done that-- she's tied to everything the Cores have tried to deny or forget or justify or fight, everything that hurts and haunts us. It's never been healed, so this is an incredible step up.
- I remember Genesis was really depressed and somewhat moody (avoidant) as a result, but not angrily-- he was just very sad. I have a flash-image memory of us standing in the tea aisle of our favorite health food store, and him just looking very drained and almost resigned, not looking at us. I don't know what we said or did, but whatever it was it had to be significant.
- The evening was spent doing color tests for Dream World worldbuilding purposes. It felt really amazing; we got at least three people figured out in that respect. It's also really nice to be able to color digitally again (one of the twin brothers is letting us use his Bamboo tablet when he doesn't need it; this is a lifesaver for both our work and our aching arms, haha).
- I think I also re-read TJ & Amal from the beginning this evening? This is like the third time I've done that already, haha. I love that webcomic so much; despite the fact that there are two (quite tastefully handled) sexual scenes in it, I cannot dislike it because the story and the characters and the art are so wonderfully done. But yeah, after seven years, that comic is ending this month. So it is this terribly bittersweet realization, and I wanted to see the entire thing play out from beginning to almost-end again. Needless to say it was very much worth it.
- Oh yes! I also confirmed, through both research and direct asking, that our "Celebi"-- the Lime slot Outspacer, not the canon Pokemon-based doppelganger the Tar uses-- is NOT a Pokemon anymore!! She hasn't looked like one for a very long time actually, but in recent months she's been appearing much more insectoid in terms of body features upstairs, and although I kept thinking "hmm that's unusual" it was never this striking before. So I kept trying to get a better visual image of her, and then it hit me. She's a flower mantis!! That is AWESOME. I haven't tried to draw her yet, but unusually she looks like a Devil's Flower Mantis more than anything, which I would not have expected at all. But it matches up. So we'll work on getting some new art up of her. Oh and her name has also changed! I keep getting an "e" for a vowel, but it feels like maybe there's a Z in there now? Or an N? We don't know. She might even be catching CZ's new name development as those two have always been closely linked in their own way, and they are both going through major re-anchoring transitions right now. We shall see.
- On a similar note, our "seaweed mermaid" girl seems to have chosen the name Tobiko? That's really unusual too. It's also ironic, because I cannot eat fish or meat at all, and the one time I broke that rule specifically to eat tobiko, I ended up sick for a week! And her anchor was originally purging in order to prevent sickness like that from happening. Maybe that's tied to it, I don't know. Either way it's a cute name. Plus I FINALLY found the original mermaid picture my brain kept tying to her face, and it didn't match up as well as I thought it did, haha. But it helped me say, "I know what she does look like in comparison!" So I will try to draw her too. She is MUCH clearer than she was just last month, which is nice. I love when people get clearer.

Monday:

- I literally spent the entire day doing nothing but hardcore wordbuilding for Dream World. This included research on Peruvian cloud forests, species of arboreal mammals, opalized skeletons, hallucinogenic plants, various cryptids, and finding screenshots from the Care Bears Nutcracker Suite, among other things! Oh yes, and a ridiculous amount of time finding photos of lesser galagos. They are super cute. Anyway all that research was desperately needed, and even better, it clicked right into place without my even trying to make it match up. That was both very surprising, and very exciting. The data I found was just what I needed, so things are indeed growing in this story's technical background. There's still a lot I feel we need to do before we can share it openly with the public, so I'm putting extra effort in.
- Also, now that I think of it, I think something happened Monday morning with a hack attempt? We have been having really bad nightmares in that respect lately, but I won't write them down as I don't want to remember them. Maybe that's not smart, but I really don't want to. Anyway the "morning hack threats" are back full-force, they're very scary. I keep waking up early from pain and things so that's tough to deal with, the falling back asleep with that extra danger. But I'm asking Laurie to stick around, and Minty helps, and Wreckage, and Cel. People care and that is good. But I mention that because, like Cel, the Tar is trying to use Ventrium's "memory" to get at me, borrowing his dead form and pretending to be him in order to damage me. But I'm not whoever they did that to in the past, during the Julie days. I can feel the difference. I know they are lying and I know they are trying to hurt me. If I stand strong, they can't touch me. But that early, with me so confused and tired, sometimes it is very hard to stand strong with how vicious they are. Like I said though, that's where the help really helps! In any case Ventrium is staying dead as far as we can tell, there are no signs of re-anchorage because he never had one of course. Anyway there are only three Outspacer slots left I think? Not sure. There's a half-finished entry on this computer about that too, I'll have to post it maybe... there's a lot we haven't posted yet. Sorry for slacking off.
- I actually found a song that is basically Infinitii in audio form. Not only are the vocals slightly dissonant-- which Infi talks like-- but the odd and dreamlike lyrics are so entirely relevant it's uncanny... and heartbreaking at times, too. I really love the fact that this exists.

 

The weekend:

- I remember nothing from the weekend, except for when I checked my email around midnight on Saturday, and in it was this finished commission.

Yeah. That is Laurie.
And yes the sketch of this is what I apparently had an emotional outpouring about a week ago.
I have no words left to say how I feel about this picture now that it's done. Not today at least. I just want to thank Hanie a billion times over (again), because this picture and the entire process leading up to receiving it just had such a huge impact on me, personally and as a member of our System.
Laurie loves it, really. Says she "doesn't look as brutal as usual" and that's her favorite thing about it. Honestly it surprised me when I felt pushed to get an artwork of her from this artist-- I love their style, but it would have fit Lynne or Julie better, so to speak. And yet Laurie's the one who ended up painted here, the first of us to ever be drawn by someone else, the first of us to ever be drawn on paper.
I'm saving up cash to buy more art of the rest of us, Central first probably, from other artists. The amount of joy and incredulous wonder I got just from this one took me totally off guard, and yet it was so significant. I love Laurie, I really do love her, but I love everyone else up here just as much, you all know that, even if it's all in different ways. I love all of us. I want all of us to be shining in color too.
So that's for the future. It'll happen... I have to take the first steps of course. No one else in the world can understand your faces, if I don't make the effort to translate them first. And I am trying. I can't run away from it, yes I'm scared of "blasphemy" in the trial and error, in the "trying to get it right," in the simple reality that it won't be perfect, not in such a specific sense. But I have to put the effort forward in honesty regardless. I guess I'm just trying to talk myself into it. But that helps.
Nevertheless this picture of Laurie, our protector, my best friend, helps more than my own words can towards that end right now. So hope is there, in violet and in lantern light. I'm kind of falling asleep. That's fine.


So that's it for now I guess. It is late!
We're a little sick right now because we weren't 100% careful with food today-- we sure tried, but we misjudged how we'd react to one thing, at least now we've confirmed it's what makes us ill-- and so we're a bit discombobulated. However, the awful nightly pain hasn't happened tonight! I'm very thankful for that; it's been very bad since Easter, but we've been doing everything we can to heal it. Looks like it's paying off. (Fistbumps for Spice and Emmett, you two get tons of credit of course.)
Tomorrow... I don't know. We have therapy, but I have no clue what will happen, or who will talk. What is the pink girl's name? She keeps saying her color is really "ashen rose," or "dusty pink," either way she keeps speaking the very clear image of soot and dust and incinerated flowers. And I keep thinking of A Swiftly Tilting Planet, of that one line I couldn't forget, how the fire was roses, how it was the purest flame of all. And it's fitting, how she is this poor delicate burnt thing, she insists she is ruined and destroyed, that she is just ashes now... but I found the sentence, "rose from the ashes," and that first word has two meanings. She may be a burnt flower, but like Julie, she is also a phoenix. She is still alive, even with what she holds! She is still alive and trying to heal and she hasn't given up, even though Wreckage is scared for her and we thought she would commit suicide so many times. But she is still here and she is being so strong. Whatever her name is, it will carry that strength of hers.


I am so, so tired. Sorry! I'm never quite sure how to type or what to say. Words don't work as well as images and emotions.
However three words now will work: "I need sleep."
See you tomorrow, whatever happens then!

 

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

 

 

 

You beat the competition in the last few seconds!

Now I just wait for the fluffy dude to be shipped in the mail.
*insert OOC fanboy squee here*
It's going to be awesome indeed.

I'm so happy. I was having an absolutely abysmal day up to this point, too.
I don't mind if my Christmas present is a few days late! At least I'm getting him!

Oh yes, and guess what else I snagged on Jesus' birthday (thanks Jesus you're an awesome dude for sharing your b-day)?

A WII.

It was awesome, yes it was.
That, and I finally got my Zune so now I can get back to exercising! Joy all around.

Bonus points, too-- I got the Darkrai movie on DVD!
I watched it today when my brothers weren't home to bother me, and let me tell you, it was quite awesome.
I would have liked a little more Darkrai action, but it was good! I'm going to watch it again tomorrow night while I bike.

Best line ever: "This garden is EVERYONE'S!"
Nice one, Darkrai. Nice one.

Oh yes, and being the empathic xenophile that I am, my mind seems to have latched onto the fandom concept of Alice+Darkrai like Victreebell latches onto James' head.
I don't know, it's just a cute idea. Alice is a total sweetheart, Darkrai's actually quite valiant... and there's already substantial evidence that Darkrai cares about her, even if it's only a reciprocation thing... and vice versa.
Ah, but no time to rant about that. I'm a total spaz with pairings like that (which is funny, as I typically never even bat an eye at pairings). I'll think about it for a few days yet and then I'll possibly do some fanart. You know it.
Actually, if I get a good idea and can empathize well enough with the characters, I'm pretty good with fanfiction.
I know, I know-- most fanfics you hear about are total OOC junk and/or are written by fangirls or hyperactive teens, but I do like the good fanfics. The fandoms can sure think of some amazingly good stuff if you give them a chance.
So, I'll get an idea and run with it. Might have to do some research first, but hey. It's fun.

But yes! Darkrai in the mail!
I hope that seller puts him in a box like Jirachi was, haha. It was so funny to open the box and see her all stuffed in there.
Man but she's cute. I have her sitting on my sketchbook right now!
My three huge plushies all have different fabric, too. Celebi has this "shorthair" kind of fuzz, which makes her terribly fluffy. Jirachi has the 'default' soft fur, nothing superplush but not textured like Celebi. Darkrai, however, seems to have that shiny sort of fabric, which is actually quite comfortable.
We'll see when I ninja-hug him out of his box.

How did I get into this rant?

Oh yes. eBay.

Told you I'd win him eventually!

 

 

Current Mood: very happy, paradoxically.

Current Music: Oracion