the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

rejection

"This isn't what we're looking for," as the paper slid back across the table.
The shadow of a hand covered my face. Cold. Didn't you want to see me? After the countless hours you spent with your eyes fixed on mine, couldn't you bear to look at me?
If I'm not what you were looking for, if I truly have no use, what will become of me?
Was I born only to die?
Was I created only to be rejected?

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paperclips

I held the tiny, twisted metal shape between my fingers.
One paper clip. That’s all it took to hold my life together.
My hands moved to pick up a stack of papers, drowning in letters and punctuation, overflowing with ideas and thoughts. Ten years of writing. Ten years of purpose.
I slipped the paper clip over the left corner and smiled.
Funny how the things we take for granted are often the things we need the most.


“Look at them,” I implored, holding my hands up to him. Colors fell from my fingers. Red, yellow, white, green. “Look at how many there are.”
He smiled at me, intrigued and amused, as I scrambled to collect the ones I had dropped. “Sure, but why do you need so many paper clips?”
I grinned in reply as I turned back to my work. “I ran out of staples.”

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alter

I stood in silence, taken by surprise. He had stopped speaking mid-sentence, and was now gazing blindly at the pavement. Was he feeling sick?
“Hey, what’s up? Can you hear me?” I asked, waving a hand before his glassy eyes. No response. I sighed, shifting on my feet indecisively, and tried again. “Listen, I just want to help. What’s going on? Are you feeling okay?”
The man’s head snapped back up then, a grin bursting onto the grey countenance like a silent gunshot. I flinched.
“Okay? I’m just peachy,” a voice quite unlike his laughed, shaking hands reaching up to run through matted brown hair. “Just fuckin’ peachy.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I took a step back. This is not okay after all, I thought, feeling my nerves tense and sting. This is not okay at all. I was speaking to an alter.
The stranger’s grin had not faded. The air was thick with gunpowder.

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obvious

“You should have realized it by now,” the violet-eyed specter sighed from across the room. “It’s obvious that she’s only trying to harm you. I don’t care how well she tries to hide her real motives. You should have realized it by now, for the love of God!”
I said nothing, my arms wrapped tightly across my aching ribs. I was miserable for the third day in a row and it was all because I was far too naive. Second chances lose their light when they are given to devils, I mused as another dagger of pain sliced through my chest. Why do I never learn?

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mythology

As a child, my head was full of dragons and unicorns, old gods and old magic, knights and wizards and immortal heroes. I was fascinated by mythology: the stories laced their fingers through the spaces in reality and molded them into a gilded fascination. Then I grew older, and legends were swallowed up by logic, science and hard facts pervading the corners of my mind where the phoenixes hid.
Have we destroyed that old world? Are the minds of children its only hope?

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lucky

You’re so lucky, my mother has always told me. You’ve always been lucky. But is there really any such thing as luck? Are there any real coincidences? Or is it all fate, some invisible plan, the myriad blessings all lining up to serve a greater purpose? No, I say; I am not a lucky man. I am something more.

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tarnished

The hot water jets were at full blast, my aching fingers thrust into the boiling stream. I cringed at the futility of it all, reflexively drawing back as the pain seared through my bones once more. What did I hope to burn away? What did I hope to erase? I could scrub this skin until it bled. I could slice clean through to the bone. I could cauterize every nerve this cursed form possessed, and it would still fail to remove the stains. My very soul was tarnished, I thought, biting my lip against the pain. Still, I could at least hope. I turned off the water and picked up the knife.

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wishing

Wishing, hoping, praying… it was all I could remember doing. How long had I been fighting this harsh reality? I stared in the mirror, coldly observing my stolen body, as I did every night. It was not mine; it had never been mine, and I despised every inch of it. Even now my consciousness burned at the awareness of these loathsome bones. There would be no shooting stars tonight, I thought bitterly.

 

 

13 December 2010 @ 01:07 am

whenever these fights break out, im always the villain and im always wrong and im so afraid that theyre going to die because of me and my stupidity and blindness and that will be my guilt forever.

i really hate myself.

i really really really hate myself right now


 

13 December 2010 @ 05:20 am

help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help help he

 

 

13 December 2010 @ 10:35 pm

I did a lot of thinking and searching and praying today, and I think I'm starting to understand what I really need now.

After the catastrophe that was last night, this means a lot.

 

 

 

FFFFFFFFFFF LOOK AT THIS STUNNING CREATURE.

 

SOMEONE JUST AUCTIONED HIM OFF ON AYWAS.

 

TOTALLY WORTH HALF OF MY ENTIRE SAVINGS. ♥♥♥♥♥

 

 

 

I had a triple-dream last night. Holy shuppets.
I've never had one that connected before, and although the beginning of it was highly disturbing, it was more than worth suffering through.

 

The only thing I remember of the first dream is driving down a highway in the family car, but I was sitting in the back seat. The driver was playing music on radio, and a song by Gwen Stefani came on. I recognized her voice and wondered aloud what the name of the band she had originally been in was called. My brothers asked me what I was talking about, and I repeated my question, but they told me that I was crazy for thinking that was Gwen singing. I was confused because that was obviously her, but then someone changed the channel. This time 'Firesuite' by The Doves came on, but I couldn't remember the name of the band for the life of me. Either way, we reached our house around this time, passing a UPS truck on the way in. There was also one parked at our neighbor's house, so my grandparents pointed out that they must be doing their 'daily delivery.' True enough, there was a thin package attached to our door, which I understood as being from my friend Darian. I was excited that it had been delivered, and was about to go open it when our cat, Dusty, began trying to get in the car (as usual). I spend a minute or two trying to get him out, noticing with surprise that he looked much younger than I remembered, but when I got up to walk into the house, I somehow ended up back in a car. This time, however, my old friend Lyndzee was driving, and the road ahead of us was covered in orange traffic cones. There were two men in professional-looking outfits manning the road, one stopping the cars, and another scanning the road ahead of us with what looked like a large metal detector. Lyndzee tried to drive around them but the men began to freak out and demanded she stop. She did, reluctantly, and the man finished scanning the area ahead of us. He nodded to the other, who picked up a few cones and moved them further down the road, so were were able to move the car ahead about 6 feet. We were now almost directly in front of our driveway. However, the men then began to scan the road again. Lyndzee was getting frustrated, and asked why we had to wait, but I was now getting very nervous and pointed out that maybe something dangerous was in the road. Sure enough, just then the man's detector went off, and he said 'that's it, this is it, right here,' in a panicky voice. The other gingerly picked up a cone and was about to move it, when Lyndzee let go of the brake and moved forward a few inches. Seeing this, the scanner-man jumped up and exclaimed "we're done for, it's over, it's over," before turning to run. Immediately the ground he had been inspecting began to spark like a firework, and Lyndzee anxiously asked what was going on. I realized that there had been a land mine beneath the road, and the pressure from our car had set it off. Sure enough, the ground exploded, throwing our car into the air. I managed to pull the door open and we both jumped out safely (don't ask how), then turning to run up the hill to my house as fast as we could. Once we reached the top, Lyndzee screamed 'get down!' so we fell on our stomachs and began to low-crawl to the door of my house. I grabbed the package from Darian on the way in, but as soon as I opened the door, I woke up.

Needless to say, I was pretty shaken, but it was only about 2AM, so I went back to sleep.
The next dream started out in my old workplace, but the place was huge and looked more like a giant storage building than anything. It was also extremely dark inside, as if it had been late night outside. My family was there with me and were agitatedly talking to the manager about something, but I was busy looking through some sort of holographic 'music catalog' in the air in front of me. I was trying to find songs whose vocalists sounded like certain characters of mine, but I wasn't getting any results. I then 'switched' the song list to Japanese music, and I remember listening to clips of some pieces by HYDE. After browsing for a minute or two, I didn't find any working vocalists, but I did find an extremely talented Japanese girl band instead, so I 'bought' that and left. The next thing I knew, I was driving the family car down a very overgrown road, which was flanked by trees on each side. Someone approached me in another car, and although I tried to avoid him, the grassy road threw of our traction and we almost flipped over. I didn't get to stop mine until about 20 feet further down, but immediately jumped out and ran to the other guy to see if he was okay. When I reached him, he was upset but unhurt, but his first reaction was to point at my car and ask me 'why I didn't turn the volume down.' Sure enough, it my car was blasting the music I had just bought. I apologized and ran back over to turn it off, then got back in and followed the other car in driving out of the area. The trees quickly thinned out to show a main road running behind them, although the level we were on was blocked off my a guardrail (it was about 8 feet higher than ground level). The road leveled out in front of us, but before we could reach that, we were saw patrol car parked by the guardrail. There were several stopped cars there, with some people standing and muttering about whatever was going on, and a man in a military outfit standing to the left of the road. I was about to roll down my window and ask what was going on, but he only glared at me and waved me past. Once the road leveled out, I found myself in a town that looked somewhat like Dubuque, Iowa, but the streets were more crowded together. There was a line of people driving behind me now, but they were all laughing and teasing me, saying that since I apparently 'could not drive,' that I had to escort two kids using my car. I didn't know what that meant, but I was nervous about the driving thing, because for some reason my car seat was very low and far back, so that my feet could not adequately reach the brake or gas pedals. I managed to lift the seat enough to reach them, trying to ignore the drivers laughing behind me, when I noticed the the two kids I was supposed to escort walking down the street. There was one boy and one girl, both with brown hair, who only looked about 7 or 8 years old. They weren't looking where they were walking, so I had to drive my car alongside them as they crossed the street, understanding that it would protect' them somehow. I got them across safely (much to the dismay of the mocking drivers), where 'cornerstore' sort of building was situated across a parking lot. I parked my car by the road and got out to escort them in. I introduced myself to the children, who in turn gave me their names: the girl was named Rose and the boy Chris. I asked them what they were doing walking out alone, and they said that their father had actually told them to go and buy him a porn magazine, which he apparently read daily, and they would be severely punished if they didn't. I understood that the father was abusive (and probably disloyal to his wife), so I was trying to figure out how to get the kids out of this magazine situation and protect them their father, but I couldn't think of anything yet. As I wondered, the three of us entered the building from a small set of stairs leading up to the door, which was about 4 feet off the ground. The inside of the place looked like a doctor's office, except that the 'check-in window' was much longer and was instead a cashier's room in which most of the store's items were kept. The children immediately ran up to the cashier, and began to speak to her in a way that showed they knew each other well. This made me nervous as it insinuated that they had done this for their father before, and even worse, that the cashier probably didn't see a problem. I quickly surveyed the rest of the store, and realized that it was practically empty save for several chairs and tables in a 'waiting room' setup. It was also bereft of people, save for two guys sitting on chairs by the cashier's window, with a small TV on the wall above them. The TV was showing war news of some sort. I then noticed that one of the empty chairs beside me had been turned around. One of the waiting individuals, a man in his mid-20s, said that it was to show 'rebellion' or dislike to whoever was beside the person who sat there. I then said 'well, I'm here to promote peace and love, and every little thing counts,' so I turned the chair around and even moved it closer to the other one. Almost immediately there was an alarm from the television and everyone froze. The cashier called out to me and nervously said that 'we had been marked' or something, referring to the children and I, and that we had to accept it. I didn't know what she meant and was a little scared, but nodded. She finished checking out the kids and they got the magazine. I was a little sick that they actually bought it and was still wondering how to keep their father from getting it and from hurting his kids, so I ushered the children out the exit door. The exit was enclosed and had a downward set of steps onto a landing, but past those was an even deeper set of stone, as well as a large window on the left wall (which was curtained from the inside). Chris ran over to look down the steep steps, and Rose shouted for him to be careful. I followed them over to take a look, but stopped about 5 feet from the edge of the steps. Rose ran to the edge and looked down excitedly. There was a cozy smell wafting from below the steps, almost like warm laundry, and I realized that this corner store actually connected onto a house, which likely belonged to the owner. I told this to the children and we all turned to exit through a door on the landing. We had barely taken three steps into the parking lot when I noticed a small group of dirty green, foreign military cars parked by the entrance and surrounded by several soldiers in similarly colored outfits. About four of them walked up to us, and the closest one reached out and harshly attached some sort of barcode to my head, reminding me that 'we had been marked.' I remembered the alarm in the store, and frantically tried to figure out what exactly we had done, but all I could conclude was that it had been the children buying the magazine. Either way, I simply said 'yes,' and the soldiers led the three of us away. They began talking to each other in German, which I could not decipher, and mentally took a note to learn the language. I then realized how ridiculous that sounded, as I didn't know if I'd even make it out of this alive. We passed the cars but the street was now different, instead elongating into a steep road not unlike the one behind my old elementary school. We were now joined by several other soldiers and marked citizens of all ages, and we continued walking up to the top of the road. There we stopped and were made to stand in small lines of about 3-4 each. A middle-aged woman with tangled blue-black hair was standing beside me, and she suspiciously informed me that we were 'to be stripped and tortured.' Terrified, I turned to survey the soldiers again, who were still muttering amongst themselves. I somehow understood that they were trying to 'weed out society,' and anyone caught committing even a minor offense would be marked, then humiliated and tortured according to the severity of their offense. Apparently if you took your judgment without complaint you would have no trouble, but if you did make a scene, you might not make it out alive. I decided to just deal with it, then, but then began to panic about the 'stripping' thing, because I was a transsexual dude and that might give them reason to kill me. I then wondered if nullification would cause a problem, and was still worrying about this when I suddenly awoke.

I fell back asleep after about 3 minutes, and again found myself in my home driveway, this time with my three brothers. We all had to drive somewhere together, so we split up into 3 cars. I took my grandparents' car, Viral took my mom's car, Ranndall took some car I didn't recognize, and Excalibur got into Chris' car with some old blond woman I didn't recognize. We all drove out onto the main road in that order (which had its typical dream appearance) without a problem. However, about 30 feet down past our driveway, a small red car zoomed by me and began to spin out. I immediately panicked as it was heading straight for Excalibur's car, and frantically tried to find a space to turn around and drive back in case something happened, all the while watching my rearview mirror. I was approaching a graveyard entrance after which the road dropped steeply, so I quickly pulled aside. Thankfully, the red car just missed my two younger brothers, so I got back on the road with them. However, traffic began to pile up where the road dropped, and I realized this was because it led directly into a huge city (think Philadelphia with tight NYC roads) at the bottom. The view of it from the top of the hill was gorgeous. We made it into the city then, but traffic was at a standstill. As I was nervously waiting to move, I saw two flying military cars (yes, really) zip by on the far left of the road, both with soldiers sitting on their roofs and anxiously broadcasting something in German. This made me nervous as I didn't know what they were doing, or whether it was bad or not, so I maneuvered my car at the side of the road and parked. I met my brothers on the sidewalk, and we began discussing what to do next. Strangely enough, my brother Ranndall spoke up and said he needed to find a certain main somewhere in the city. He explained that the man had an incredibly ability to literally bring drawings to life, and that he needed to get to where that man lived, assumedly for that reason (he didn't explain why outright). I asked Ranndall where the man was, and he said he didn't know, but took out a crude pencil sketch of the man, explaining that it 'was how he looked.' The man was very thin and pale, had a shock of short, somewhat tangled black hair, and wore a black suit. I thought that he reminded me somewhat of Edward Scissorhands, and was mentally comparing the two when the man himself walked around the corner and up to me. He took the paper from my hands but held it before me, and began to do something with it, I forget what, but he was talking quietly all the while. It only took about 20 seconds, but at the end, he took a needle from somewhere in his suit and punctured his finger with it, producing a very small amount of blood. I wondered why there was so little of it, but he held it up to me, explaining that this was the last step in doing whatever he needed to do with the sketch. He then told me to kiss it, instructing 'a real one; not a peck, beautiful girl.' I didn't correct him as my gender was apparently warping regularly. Either way, I did kiss the puncture, and as I did so, the blood appeared on the sketch, near the man's face. As soon as this happened, the man said it was done, and a high-pitched ringing noise suddenly erupted in my ear. I flinched, but then noticed everyone around me but the man was doing so as well. He apologized for the sound, but explained that if we followed it, it would lead us to the place we needed to go-- the streets were far too difficult to navigate blindly. I nodded, and was about to get into my car when the man jumped into the air and began to fly. To my surprise, the people with me all followed him as if this was normal, so I did as well. We gained a fair bit of altitude, flying around 8th-story level, and I realized that I could no longer see any cars in the streets. I told this to the suited man, and he explained that as long as we were 'tuned into the sound,' we were invisible to the rest of the city. We continued down the road we were on and my brother asked why, as we were flying away from the sound, but the man said he knew a shortcut that would spare us the trouble of navigating the twisting streets the entire time. As he said this, we reached a large river running within the city, not unlike how Paris looks. We had barely flown 100 feet along it, though, when the water began to boil. One of my brothers suddenly cried out a name I didn't recognize, but before I could wonder what it was, a huge fish-like monster burst from the water. Apparently the name my brother had shouted belonged to this creature, which was colored in bright aquas and violets, and had a huge mouth full of teeth. We were all flying away from it as fast as we could, but I noticed that the creature was chasing us blindly, and asked the suited man if it could even see us. Just then, the fish exclaimed that it hunted prey that naturally emitted sounds at the frequency we were following. Apparently, we were also emitting a sort of signal. The pale man apologized profusely, saying he didn't know this would happen, and told us we'd have to cut back into the city. So we did, and flew until we reached a tall building near the center of the city. I don't remember entering it, but the next thing I knew, I was inside it. It was built like an apartment complex, but had several hallways on each level, all lined with doors of various kinds. I was looking anxiously for a certain hall, but couldn't find it. The last hall on that floor, though, was lined with tall doors that were decorated with various drapes and tassels, all red and gold and black. I became very excited upon finding this, as apparently someone in our travel group had 'had a premonition' about that hall, and it was the one the pale man lived in. I turned to inform a girl behind me of this, and she smiled and thanked me for finding it, before saying that now I just had to 'wait for the others' or something. She then led me to a small, comfortable 'waiting room' on that floor. It connected to a game room of some sort, but I could not clearly see into it at the time, although the walls of the waiting room were glass from the waist level up. I sat down in a chair at the far side of the room, when I realized that there were two other individuals in the room with me. One was the pale suited man, and I the other was a young woman, but she was apparently not human, looking instead like some sort of anthropomorphic chandelier-- her body was made of gold, glass and ceramic, and was incredibly elegant. She didn't have any facial features, just glowing white glass, and she wasn't wearing any clothing (as she didn't need it). The two greeted me as I walked in, but before they could continue, a young girl walked into the waiting room with three translucent ribbons of some sort. She wrapped two around my company's shoulders, saying that it was to 'keep out the cold,' but insisted on wrapping mine around my head. I told her she didn't need to, but she insisted. I remember she looked almost elven in appearance, with blond hair, lime green eyes and a ton of freckles. She was incredibly cute, though, and I couldn't help but smile at her. When she was finished tying my ribbon (which wouldn't stay around my head anyway, so I wore it like a scarf), she left. The suited man then told me to follow him, as he had to do something important and needed my assistance. He then opened the game room door and walked in, the chandelier girl and I following. Inside the game room it was dark and lit with neon, and a group of about 5 was hanging around a pool table and talking. They were all rather short in stature, with small horns and brightly colored hair. I assumed they were trolls or goblins of some sort, but had no time to wonder, as the suited man immediately began to reprimand them for what they had apparently been speaking of when we walked in. One troll tried to accuse him of being a pervert, but the claim was baseless as he had instead admonished the same individual for his lewd behavior. I do remember that troll calling him 'mister' though. Once the man had said his piece, the creatures moved aside, and he told me to hurry and get on the other side of the room, so I did. As I did so, however, a strange man walked in from a hidden door on the far side of the room. He looked almost like a classic vampire, but was decked out in navy and purple. He challenged the suited man to a fight, and the two began to battle. I then realized that, standing where I was, I had become the referee/ scorekeeper, and without me the fight could not continue. I clearly remember being Jayce at this point as well. Either way, I was somehow 'phased' into a small room behind the wall, in which a screen before me portrayed Mortal Kombat-esque animations of whatever moves the two fighters were performing. I recall having to help 'animate' the sequences at times or they wouldn't play out. To my surprise, though, the suited man was not a contender at this point, and had been replaced by some sort of werewolf. I realized he had left, but before I could wonder why or where he had gone, the screen turned off and I could see into the other room in real time. The two fighters were each charging a giant orange energy ball, which began to emit a screaming energy tone and surge with electricity. I then noticed the suited man in the waiting room (from the windows across from me). He urgently shouted for me to get out of there, as the ability the fighters were using was potentially lethal, and he couldn't pass through the room without risking severe injury. He then 'teleported' out, and I began to panic and wonder what to do. Realizing my only option was to warp out, I closed my eyes and did so without a clear destination, only ordering myself to 'go to someplace safe.' There was a bright flash, and I was suddenly sitting in the game
room, but it looked strikingly different. It was now well-lit, had much more space, and there was a long bench against the wall where the waiting room had been (and on which I was now seated). There were a few normal human children playing in the room, but there was no sign of the suited man. I began to worry about him, wondering if he had made it out in time, when I realized that I was sitting next to the chandelier girl from before. She was sitting quietly, looking as if she was waiting, and I got a little nervous because I somehow understood that she was the pale man's 'girlfriend,' and wondered if she maybe thought badly of me because I was apparently a close friend of his now. However, I then realized that we were probably both worried about him, and felt bad for her because she probably felt very lonely. I moved closer to her then, and put my arms around her shoulders in a sideways hug. She didn't say or do anything at first, but after about 10 seconds of this, she turned to me and pulled me close as well. We stayed like this for a while, and I had my eyes closed, completely ignoring the kids in the room. I began to wonder if maybe she were polyamorous like me, because that would be awesome, as we both liked the pale man and she was downright gorgeous for a chandelier girl. I remember feeling her heartbeat and wondering about it, as she did look entirely inorganic. I didn't have time to think on that, though, as she suddenly eased me back so we were lying down on the bench, still not letting go of me, still not caring about who was looking. I had a sudden fleeting thought that maybe she was the 'girl I had been looking for,' when she turned her head and told me that she had to 'send me back,' as I couldn't stay any longer at that time. I didn't know what she meant, but she told me to keep my eyes closed, and I felt her kind of 'phase' off me, which is hard to describe, but it was as if she had just melted into thin air. I then felt her hands holding my feet down, as if to make sure I wasn't going to move, and heard her tell me that it was okay to wake up now. Shocked at this, I opened my eyes and found myself lying in my bed. I sat up, wondering how she had done that, and got up. However, although the house was dark, there was a lot of noise coming from the living room so I went to check that out. Sure enough, my brothers were playing the XBox and my mother was putting lights on the tree. I had a fleeting thought at how weird this was, as I had fallen asleep when everyone else was in bed and my mother wasn't even home, when I suddenly woke up for real.


Seriously, wow. I haven't had such an amazing dream chain in a very long time.
I really, really hope I meet both the pale suit-man and the chandelier girl again soon... I'll have to ask my boss if he knows them. They are both far too awesome to ever forget.

 

 

 

Self-hatred is at a lethal high again.

It's sick to think of how long I've been saying 'I can't live in this body any longer.' It seems like it would eventually become a paradox, but quite the contrary has happened. I am no longer living. I'm spending every day trying to kill myself, on any and every level possible, and frankly I am tired of this. I need out and I need it fast.

I owe myself another grave. This is sick. I should start digging them in my throat.

I played Nier for about three hours today, and it gave me several revelations again. Unfortunately I was hacked brutally and swiftly, again, so I'll have to try and find time to relearn those lessons tomorrow.
It's frightening. There was peace and quiet for a deceivingly long time... and then when it started up again, it was more vicious that before.
I really can't take this.
Having to sleep with my grandmother every night doesn't help either. No wonder I can't get any real rest anymore.

The one thing I can't handle typing is relationships.
I really, really despise typical relationships, and you should know that by now. I have this huge mental list of criteria that I hold every couple up to, and if they don't match every single mark, I label them as a severe threat... because every missed mark is more power to Julie.
That's why I'm glad my mother and her boyfriend don't stay at the house very often anymore. They literally make me ill. And my mother and her ridiculous 'love' poetry... she is the cause of so many of my problems. I don't want to think about it.

I still can't stop thinking about how much Utah hurt and I am sick and tired of that. I want to forget it and move on.
However, I never got any closure. That's why I can't seem to drop the issue. I was dragged in, ignored, abused, tossed out, and forgotten. I never got any clarification, any explanation, nothing. Even if all they have to say is "we don't care about you, and want nothing more to do with you." That's all I need is a final statement so I know what the heck to do! Stop running circles around me so that I'm unable to take a step forwards and instead keep looking back. I really wish they would just cut me off for good instead of playing this game. I don't like being messed with; it hurts.

I'm numb again. I don't like this.
I feel like either crying or tearing myself apart, and both feel the exact same way.
That's my biggest weakness, you know. My need for pain due to this self-hatred I can't shake. It destroys my will and perseverance, and lets in everything that can hurt me, because apparently my subconscious has a deathwish.
I really, really can't take this.
I spent all my life finding myself, and now that I know who I am, I don't have the means to BE me.
It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Discovery, light and creation... that's all I live for now.
Now that I can see my future (thanks to being a dude), I keep having odd daydreams where I'm traveling from place to place in the world, never staying in one spot for too long, and doing what I can to help and inspire those I meet in the meantime.
I really don't like being in one place. It's why I won't get an apartment right now-- I'd be paying a couple hundred each month for a room I'd only sleep in. Heck, if I could sleep on park benches without fear for my safety I'd do it. At heart I'm a wanderer; I'm the brother who rolled his boulder to the top of the mountain. I have this driving need to reach out to everyone and everything, and the thought that I'm stuck here within these four walls with the entire world outside is sometimes too much to bear.
It's also why, when I have neither transportation nor business for the day-- once again, like 95% of my time in Utah-- I spend as much time as possible asleep. Dreams are the closest thing I have to both travel and self-honesty... pretty sad how my ideal life only exists as a phantom right now.
The day starts, the day ends, time crawls by... haha, not quite.
...Then again... geez, here comes another ton of pain.

I've managed to lift my mood a tiny bit but now I feel crushingly guilty for it. If I'm to be forgiven, I need to do penitence, but how? It's maddening.
I'm terribly sorry for the person I've become, but words won't change anything.

My therapist is calling again on Monday. Wish me luck.

 

 

 

 

It is so weird how I have to judge the mood of an entry before I post it anywhere.

Anyway, hello. Today is Thanksgiving over in the lovely USA. It was also snowing earlier today. Pretty good start for the day, right? I wish the rest of it had followed suit, but that's life...
I managed to wash up without being hacked this morning, which also meant that I had to switch my arm bandages. However, upon removing them, I noticed two things: the cuts had not healed and were still bleeding, and the skin that had been under the bandage was all red and slightly swollen. Yes, they are non-latex, so it must be an allergy to whatever substitute is used. Originally I thought it was only a random reaction, but this keeps happening, no matter what brand I use, so I have concluded that bandages = no help whatsoever. So yes, I managed to wrap it up in medical gauze for now. The whole situation is just really distressing me.
I don't want to elaborate on why. I'll just say that... that I found something that obviously belonged to my mother while I was looking for the gauze downstairs, and I seriously wanted to throw up for about an hour afterwards.
I'm not even accepted in my own 'minority.' Where am I supposed to look now?

I bit the bullet and started re-reading Trying Human yesterday, after having avoided it for over a year thanks to the brief nudity in it. Kind of sick how both TH and Jack have hideous triggers in them, but both deal with subject matter I really find personally significant. So I have to be careful or I can easily be gutted on the spot.
But yeah, um... the real and quite significant reason I started re-reading TH was because I went on a sentimental favebinge on dA yesterday... and during that time, I came across these two. Don and Longus. Guess who they remind me of?
...Yeah, so it hit me hard. It lit me up, brighter than I've been in far too long, and then it hit me so hard I've been completely out of it since last night.
I also found this and this earlier that day... I... well, I'm still reeling from how deeply they affected me. I was in tears from the first one.
The distance, and my own fragile instability, really hurt today.
I've been choking back dysphoria but I'm afraid it's poisoning me from the inside out.

My mother and her boyfriend are in the kitchen and it's driving me mad. I've never been a fan of romance, but over the past few months I have developed a severe and violent reaction to it. So this is driving me to the edge of a breakdown but I need to finish typing my series revisions and I have nowhere else to go.
I can't take it. I really can't take it. I can't take all these sounds and movements and lights. I need a blizzard to hit, soon, so I can at least have a quiet white place to run to when this happens. Winter is my only sanctuary.
I think I'm going to go to bed at 8 or 9PM today. I can't stay awake anymore, and it's not because of fatigue-- I don't feel tired until I wake up-- it's because my coping mechanisms have been shot through and I can't deal with this safely. Laurie has forbidden self-abuse unless it's for the gravestones, and dear God but I NEVER want to bury another child ever again.
It's killing me. I'm dying.

I don't even know why I'm updating.
I am so sick of computers... heck, I've never liked them. I despise having to sit in front of this awful glowing screen all day in order to get work done, only to be constantly interrupted and traumatized by the horrific whims of the thousands of other souls sitting in front of glowing screens.
I feel so sick being here. I don't want to be here. I want to work and that's all.
I've seriously considered packing up my Macbook and locking it away somewhere, but the only thing keeping me from doing that is my fear of losing either of the two girls I love while I'm disconnected. It's almost happened before.
But geez... I cannot take this. I really can't.

If I suddenly disappear for a long time, don't worry. We'll all be better off.

 

 

 

 

I have never felt so alone in my life.
It's horrifically ironic, really. The more 'connections' I make... the more people I try to directly be in contact with, the more 'friends' I find... the more entirely ostracized and estranged I am.
I can't get over it. Yes, I like being solitary, but this is different. This is not true solitude. This is the deep, aching panic that hits when you realize you truly have no one to turn to.
I have no one to turn to. I know hundreds of people and I know no one.

I've never had a best friend, ever. For some reason I want one, but I feel that may be impossible, considering how my definition of such a person is so different from the norm.
I don't want someone to 'go out' with, or 'hang out' with, or anything like that. I don't want someone to go to dances or movies or things with. I don't want that at all. I don't want that. That's not necessary, it's not needed... it's not the real purpose of a friend.
I need someone who I can protect, who is innocent and fragile, yet strong and determined... someone who understands that I am glass on the inside and is willing to live in the quiet purity of days with me. Someone with a warm heart and an open mind and an undying sense of wonder and hope.
It's hard to explain. I... Cassandra came close. Vickie felt close. I think that's why I miss them both so terribly much... why I will never recover from losing either of them. I think that's what made me fall for Jena in the first place. They all hold that beautiful sort of brightness, that way of seeing the world through unfogged eyes.
That's the sort of person I need in my life, more than anything. It's the sort of person I really am. I put up a daily facade knowing that the real me can easily be killed if I am not careful. I try to fit in with the desperate hope that acting like that will help me meet someone, someone who can help me feel true and right for once in my life.
I forget that I am attracting the wrong sort of people.
And so I am alone.

I'm not a comedian. It's true.
I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'
My father was rarely around when I was young... but he had a sense of humor, and every time I saw him, he would make me laugh or smile. I loved that, and I picked up on it. I was a lonely child, with no friends and no social skills, ignored by my own classmates. I couldn't help but notice that the most popular kids were the class clowns. So I thought, 'hey, if I'm funny, maybe people will like me too!'
I tried, I really did, but I didn't understand how. Like so many other things, my sense of humor was less brazen than the ones of most people I knew, and so the simple things I would find amusing would get nothing but mocking laughter from others... quite the opposite of what I was aiming for.
I'll never forget the one night I found the guts to show my parents one of my little 'comics.' It was simple and childlike, yes, but I was trying hard to be funny... trying hard to get people to like me for once. When my parents read it, and I saw them try to fake a smile and say, 'maybe you can try this again,' it hurt more than I ever could have expected. It was as if they had said, 'this isn't good enough either, just like you.' Of course, that was reading deeply into it, but deep down, it was the unintended truth.
I still tried. I turned to some of my comedic dream friends for help, desperate to have a physical friend for once in my life. No use. No one else seemed to care.
Elementary school ended, high school started, and I internalized entirely. I was terrified of people my own age, but ironically, although I would never dare spend time with such people, I still wanted them to like me.
By the time I hit college, I had developed a sort of dry humor, but it still felt forced. Heck, it still is forced, even now. Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick.
I want to find one person that I don't need to do that for. I want someone I can be natural around.
I think that's why I despised Utah.
I know, I know. I'm trying to forget it, and I can't stand bringing it up, but it forced me to think about the darker things.
Down there, I was always being pressured to amuse people. Humor was my only option, and it ate at me. I couldn't stand it.
But I could never, ever be me. Even when I was 'supposed to,' I couldn't. It wasn't possible or safe. I put on the smiling mask and kept acting.

I feel so sick.
I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget.
I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer.
My therapist isn't doing much yet but we're trying. Hopefully she'll help me find someone local to talk to, as I can't drive three hours down to see her only to have my grandparents freak out because 'it's a gay place!! we need to get out of here!!' as if people like me are some sort of plague.
Here comes more bad Utah memories... geez, if they didn't keep me so cold and sober, I'd have taken a neuralizer to myself weeks ago.
I feel like crying a lot now, too. My family is harsh and closed-minded, still, and their harsh natures hurt me badly. I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things. I need to read more on this.
Speaking of. I spoke to my therapist today.
I've been meaning to write an entry about her in glissando, which I will, but I should write this extra bit now before I forget.
She said something today about treating my schizoid disorder. I've never considered doing so, because to me, it is not a problem. However, she said that it might be what's causing my comprehension problems in college, and it should be looked into.
However, she then said that it's likely giving me 'reality breaks' (I don't know what she means by that), and that she wants me on pills to 'stop those.'
Laurie started screaming and sobbing when she heard that. It scared me, it really did, because we have been through this before. We don't know what the therapists think is going on... we don't know what the pills will stop or kill... and God knows I can't lose Laurie. She's come so close to dying before, and I couldn't take it. I can't take it. So I was terrified, and she started crying, insisting she didn't want to die, which she has never done before. Sure, she gets angry, but a total breakdown? I almost hung up the phone; I wanted to help her, I didn't know what to do. So I had to get Chaos to watch over her for a minute or two while I spoke to my therapist, which was hard because I kept looking back at Laurie and panicking. I don't remember much of anything from our hour-long appointment anyway, which is sick and sad. Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?

I miss driving. I really do. Now that it's winter, it's driving me mad.
Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live. So now that my brothers are all in school, my dad lives somewhere else and my mom's never home, I have neither a car nor the say to go anywhere (my grandparents don't like my being out long). I don't know what to do.
Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me. At my old job, I used to purposely stay late on winter workdays, just so I could drive home in the inky darkness with my hands out the windows, taking in everything.
My memories have been lit by indigo evenings,
by breathless moments reaching out of car windows...
I miss that.
Also, I can't be in cars unless I'm driving anymore. I've developed a sort of extreme panic reaction to other people driving, and it's making me a really obnoxious backseat driver. I'm always telling people to slow down or the like, trying to hide the fact that I'm terrified. If I'm not in control of the car I freak out... then again, I've always despised amusement parks for the same reason, so hey.

I don't want my grandmother to come stumbling out here just to scream at me, not just because I don't like getting her angry, but also because I can't handle people being cruel to me even in little ways and then I can't sleep right. Man.
Why is the world like that, really? Why am I always told to 'shut up and take it like a man' when I say 'it shouldn't be like this?'
I'm not complaining about a minor offense. We shouldn't be so harsh and cruel to each other. No one should have to endure that.
I want to change that. I want to help people feel and see and give love, light, hope, peace, understanding, unity... why is that laughed at? Why is that looked down upon? All I've ever wanted to do is brighten hearts, and yet I am mocked for it.
How did the world become like this?

I dreamt about Jena last night.
I was writing letters to her, like a pen pal, supporting her in her work and just talking about life... she would always write back, and we had a great friendship that way. Then near the end of the dream we met in person, and we went somewhere to see a play or the like... but God, I need that in my life.
I love her so much I don't know what to do. I adore her. I want to always be there to support and help her, to always be there if she needs someone to fall back on or turn to. I want to be a friend that she will never lose... I want to be the sort of person to her that no one has ever been to me.
I miss her so much, every waking moment, and I've never met her. It makes me so sad...
I can't stop thinking about how she looked in that photo, the first time I ever saw her, and how it felt to me. In that moment, I knew I needed to know her, and I couldn't explain it.
She's ended up changing my life for the better in more ways than I could have ever dreamed... she's made me a better person.
I don't know how to ever thank her for that. I just want her to know how much joy she's given me, for her own sake... so maybe I can give her some joy and light in return. That's all I want to do is help her as she's helped me... but I don't know how.

I miss Chaos Zero too, in a similar way. I haven't spoken about him lately, and that hurts. I used to type about him all the time, remember?
There's so much I need to say concerning him, and things he's made me think about... I need to do that soon. I need to get back to being me.

I've been working on revising Dream World's older chapters lately-- the ones I wrote when I was about 10. I've fixed most of the plot holes and it feels amazing, because I have been struggling with them for so long. I'm currently fixing Part 7, which means I have 5 more to revise and then I can start typing the actual beginning as well as I can.
I don't know how to present it yet, though, as there are so many different and vital 'veins' of the story occurring at once... I'm thinking of starting the way I had originally planned, but 'rotating' perspectives every chapter or so, to get all the other bits of the story together. Then, around Part 13, I'm either going to have to dedicate several chapters or a different book to the development of several characters' pasts that aren't revealed until then... it's a ton of work. Still, it's my life's work, so it's worth it.
It's hard to explain just how much my characters and their stories mean to me. I don't know if it can accurately be put into words, ironically. It's... it's the sort of thing I can only hope to outline through memories and imagery and feeble attempts to capture emotions and moments in letters.
Still, that's what language is for, so perhaps it's not an impossible task after all. I'll have to give it a shot.

Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven.
I'll have to find a way to take pictures or video of it... I promise, the first night we get like that, I'll show it to you. It's far too beautiful to keep to myself.

I miss talking like this. I really do.
This journal has been pretty dark and painful for me up to this point... I started it in an attempt to find some privacy while in Utah, but that fell through, so now I'm trying to revamp it into a 'flipside' of glissando, so to speak. They're both inherently connected, but they both feel different to me. I'm not sure how to explain that more thoroughly; I'm sorry.
I wish I could type more, but it's 11:30PM, and as I've had little to no say in my schedule over the past 4 days, I really need to get back on track tomorrow, and I can't do that unless I get to sleep.
I did tell Mr. Sandman (my boss, if you forgot!) about my nightmares, and he's been helping so much I practically kissed him yesterday, haha. Man but I love him. He's awesome.
So I suppose I'll sign off for tonight. I'm feeling a bit of peace for once, and I don't want to lose it. I just wish I could share it with everyone else.
I think we all need some extra peace in our lives.



Seems like only yesterday
Life belonged to runaways
Nothing here to see, no looking back
Every sound monotone
Every color monochrome
Light began to fade into the black

Such a simple animal
Sterilized with alcohol
I could hardly feel me anymore
Desperate and meaningless
All filled up with emptiness
Felt like everything was said and done

I lay there in the dark
And I close my eyes
You saved me the day
You came alive

Still I tried to find my way
Spinning hours into days
Burning like a flame behind my eyes
Drowning it out, drinking it in
Crown the king of suffering
Prisoner, slave to the disguise

Disappear the only thing
Bittersweet surrendering
Knew that it was time to say goodbye

I lay there in the dark
And I close my eyes
You saved me the day you came alive

No reason left me to survive
You saved me
The day you came alive

 

 

I'm penniless, jobless, lost.
All my money, all my savings, months and months of counting up what few paychecks I got, is gone. All spent on that infernal trip across the country.
I am so miserable. Why did I let myself be dragged into that? It wasn't the right time.
Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it?
Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish villain, if anything.
I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it.

Who wants to hire someone like me?
I'm a transsexual queer with a ton of psychological distress and a history of self-abuse. My high-school job threatened to fire me several times for emotional breakdowns on the clock. My university even told me to put my education on hold until further notice, after every therapist in the psych department told me that they had no idea how to deal with me, after I failed every class I took for two semesters straight.
My arms are bloody with gravestones and my mind is ravaged with traumatic exposures. It was almost fine when the dangers of the world were in a book, on a screen, far away. When they were something distant and untouchable, I could easily pretend that they were all just some extravagant lie, some perverted fairy-tale, some dystopian view of life. But then I was shoved out into the world, and I realized all those dangers were real. I knew all about those things from my childhood, although I always prayed they would never actualize, although they had lived long before I. Why does this world allow such things to continue? Why does this world view such atrocities as normal, as expected?
I can't function as a typical human being. I've learned this the hard way. Still, I'm stuck in this place where it seems only the plastic-mold people succeed. It's sad.
Do you know what else is sad? I'm tired of being so depressed and beaten-down. I'm also tired of false happiness. Yet, I am being plagued by them from every side. Yes, I've probably mentioned this before, but it deserves reiteration.
The largest part of my problem is the fact that I am scared to death of doing entirely the wrong thing. It is why I often drop projects and ideas and thoughts entirely if one person makes a sarcastic comment or offhanded remark. What if they're right, I wonder? What if I really am being an idiot, what if I am being shallow, what if I am being arrogant?
That brings us right back to the first point.

I want out of this. I want to be able to work on what is right and true without being bombarded by hellions. It's sickening.
I'm a terrible father.

 

 

 

I'm just going to be honest here. I've been reading a lot, and thinking a lot, and I'm still as confused and terrified as ever but I don't know how to let people go, you included.
I feel like the world's biggest jerk right about now. I've been acting bitter towards everyone around me, not because I've turned hateful, but because I am so desperate and distraught that I can't remember what it means to be content with life.
In Utah, and right up until now, pretty much, I thought you and Q were lying to me... so I 'lied' right back. You acted nice and I acted nice, and the key word is 'acted.' I felt as if the whole thing had been scripted, and you were both pretending, stringing me along. I thought I saw many, many proofs of this, but that may have just been my paranoia. Either way, I couldn't take chances, and I single-handedly turned what you apparently hoped to be a 'helpful' experience for me into one of the biggest traumas of my life.
But I can't shake the feeling that you still care about me in some weird way, even if I don't understand it. And that's where this note comes in.
I don't know how you feel about me right now. Maybe you hate me. Maybe you think I'm the biggest moron God ever breathed life into. I can't say. Still, you're talking to me, and I don't know. I may simply be assuming too much.
Either way, as I said, I've been thinking... and since I don't know how much time I have left, I figured I'd better write this.
I don't hate you. I've been hurt by you, but not directly. You did things that you never, ever dreamed would damage me, and I don't hold it against you. When I talk about the past in regretful anger, it's anger at MYSELF for treating it as such. I know I don't put you in a good light and I'm sorry. I just don't know how to deal with this.
I do care about you, though. I suck at showing it, but I do. Still, it feels almost fake, because I care about everyone, and I want to apologize for that. I really... well. I really hurt you. That I know for sure. I hurt you because I'm too afraid to stand up for my beliefs and opinions and truths, and in being such a coward, I made it impossible for anything good to happen.
I don't think I'm in love with you, if only because I don't know if I was ever in love with anyone. I'm such an antisocial bastard that I can't tell. I want to thank you for making me feel like I was worth something, though, when we'd be up late and you'd be reading or texting and I'd just be lying there and wondering why that felt so positive.

I'm going in circles.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you. 2. I'm sorry for being so paranoid and angry and for not trusting you. 3. I never hated you, even if I acted like it blindly. 4. You hurt me, but everyone hurts me, and I've never held it against them. 5. I want to make this up to you because I do feel like a jerk.
6. I'm hoping you have answers. I don't know why I'm so afraid of you and Q, but I'm sick of it, because you're good people and you at least tried to care for me, as hard as that is. I'm hoping maybe you know why I was so stupid, or at least know how I can... get better or something.
7. Can you forgive me?

I'm sick of feeling like an empty-hearted fool. I used to think I was wise but I'm not at all sure of that now. I used to think I could save the world, but the more I try, the more I realize how... how little I am. How small and ephemeral I am.
All I know is that, even if it's true that I only know the little things... the color yellow and Studio Ghibli and poetry... I still love that about you, all those little pieces.
I'm so stupid, Mel. You're the first person I ever felt comfortable with, and the reason I denied that so strongly afterwards was because of how strongly I felt it. I didn't believe it could have been true or real. I couldn't accept it because I wasn't worth it and I shut you out.

I feel like I'm going to die, and maybe I will, but I wanted to at least let you know this, as confusing as it may be. I've been shaking all day and I can't see straight.
I hope you have a good life, and I hope you have a future, a real future, the happiest one you can imagine, even if-- especially if-- I never do.

I'm sorry for being such a horrible paradox.

 

 

 

I have to stop calling them 'my children.'
I have to stop using the word MY.


'I' still bothers me... the entire concept of ego bothers me.
I have to lose it. I have to figure out how to lose it.


I have to get my life back together, even if that means ending this one.

 

 

In other news...

Honestly, I'm so tired of computers.
I would much rather be creating, or reading, or traversing the world.
But I'm stuck here, because it is how I find things I never would discover otherwise.

Ironic, isn't it?
How the very thing that has brought me the most beautiful music, the most stunning ideas, the most inspiring thoughts... has also blighted my eyes and tainted my days with gruesome fallacies? This glowing window before me has slid it's cold mocking claws between my ribs, grabbed hold, and pulled.
So I'm kneeling here, my hands useless beneath the onslaught of blood, my bones caught in the smoldering wreck. My hair has been stained red and my ears ring with mocking laughter. I sigh and, flinching, try to reform the ice-white spines protruding from my chest. This happens every evening, my shaking voice confesses. No one listens.

I love giving such imagery to my mind. I should do this more often.
Literal words tend to burn after some time. Have you no ingenuity? Where are your deftly fashioned thoughts?

It is 5:08 PM. I do not plan to tarry here longer than 6.
I'm currently reading Fahrenheit 451, which is a simply brilliant book that I wish I had encountered sooner... I had a brief encounter with it during my high school years, albeit through my short-circuited English teacher. Monday, we would start a book, Tuesday, we would read, Wednesday, she would forget about it, and by Thursday that would be the last we heard of it. A true shame that I lost out on so much material in this process.
Regardless, I was positive that it would prove to be a fascinating read within the first two pages. That is how I assess a book, you see. If it fails to connect with me within the first 10 pages, 20 tops, I will be unable to continue. I read books to learn, not to entertain. I am learning quite a lot from this one.

I finally played through the first 10 minutes of Darksiders today. The angels are gorgeous... the entire theme of the game appeals to me highly, so I am looking forward to my next run.
I refuse to finish Nier as of yet. A month ago, when I postulated that "it's going to have an incredibly deep impact on me as a person," I had no idea just how accurate that statement would be. I have been irreversibly changed for the better, and as such I am no longer able to play the game with an audience. I refuse to complete my final missions unless I have several hours of free alone time in which to do so.
...And yes, I will admit, the reason I finally gave in and bought Darksiders is because Liam also voices War. That man wins.

I almost forgot about my heartbox. Do you remember him? I hope he's doing well...
I've been sleeping with my old Darkrai plush for the past few days. Amusingly enough, he does give me nightmares. I'm glad for that, as I haven't had any non-hacked nightmares in many long months. Of course my nightmares are traumatically lucid, but they teach me. They open my eyes to horrors I will hopefully never experience in the waking, yet long to know regardless. I have an addiction to pain, to knowledge, to progress...

I wish I had a new sort of creative ability, something beyond words and pictures and sound... some divine combination of all three, shaped by my hands and holding the very essence of thought within it. A book of golden blood. A violin, lit with the chiming dust of memories. A great tree, formed of braided glass and bronze. Something new.
If only I could go lucid. I could see their faces, I could walk their roads, I could reach out and touch my heart's secret reality.

The things I hold most dear are formless, unable to be expressed in words. I am fraught with empyreal sensations that beautifully overwhelm me, reducing me to a blissfully devastated wreck, unable and unwilling to escape them.
It is why I am so unhappy here. My eyes have darkened to the color of the earth... I have fallen from the stars, now a creature of creation, my arms entwining with the trees I have lived beneath. Yet I cannot tear my thoughts from the sky, the deep blue firmament, lit with colors I have never seen. I am caught between this world and the other, traversing between many as I sleep.
Have I ever told you just how happy I am, when I lose this form with the sun's light?
Have I ever admitted how miserable I am, to be bound to such corporeal things?
Can her axe sever these chains? Or am I fated to destroy them with these two white hands?
My body is covered in scars.

I know I do not belong in this body. It is a test, a task, nothing more. It is an insight which I would otherwise have never gained. It is a different point of view, but it is not mine.
I know I will never belong in this body. I have learned to accept that. Yet in doing so, I have found who I truly am.
I will suffer, but it is pain that I must bear. If I will ultimately succeed in this, I will accept this agony.
I have rediscovered my light, my joy, my destination. I will cast aside the shadows that have crept upon my path during these years.
I refuse to surrender to the false visions and gilded lies. I refuse to surrender.

I have never felt so true before. I have never felt so alive.

If only I could feel that here.

 

 

It's been far too long since I last updated here. I've forgotten what I'm supposed to even use this journal for.
I keep forgetting letters in words and repeating things and mixing up spelling. My typing is starting to match my thoughts, my speech. That shouldn't be happening. What has happened to me?
What a shame, what a desperate terrible shame, that I've been forced to sacrifice so much of myself.

I promised Laurie I would talk to her about this, but... but I'd like to mention things here too. I haven't been able to 'connect' with my own mind very well lately, so maybe this will help fix that problem a little bit.
Let's see... you last heard from me on August 15th. My memory isn't very good, but let's try to fill you all in here.
Two days prior, on August 13th, I met Josephina, a 'new' headvoice. He's mentioned in that running entry from July 22 if you want to read up on him. By August 21st (earlier?) I was back in PA, and was staying at my father's rented home due to his saying 'I should be there' and my being too afraid to face the rest of my family yet. Unfortunately for me, I became horrifically sick there due to lack of sleep, lack of means to work, and lack of food I could eat without having a major reaction (I was basically throwing up everything for two weeks). I managed to get out of that house about 4 days later, thank God (which was very stressful and caused my father and his gf to start shunning me for a while), but by the time August 27th rolled around, I remembered that my 'home' wasn't home at all. I just couldn't get out of it.
I'm still stuck here... my memory is shot, because honestly, all I can do here is work on my laptops. I have nowhere else to go.
So it's October 4th. I just read two books, 'A Spot of Bother' by Mark Haddon (which, although upsetting at times, had some great points) and 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' by Jonathan Safran Foer (which I found highly overrated and deeply unsettling). The latter distressed me so much that I've been writing a rant on it for the past two days.
Other than looking for knowledge in books and desperately searching for a new therapist (I may have found one, but she's almost 3 hours away, and since she's a gender therapist I'd have to make the drive by myself and my family forbids my going anywhere alone), I've also quit my old job. Yes, the cashier job I've had for 4 years. Why? I couldn't handle the atmosphere anymore.
As you may know, I can only take so much outside influence from people before it starts to negatively affect me. 4 years of standing at a register for 7+ hours at a time and dealing with people buying junk food and spitting small talk really began to eat at me. I can't deal with people anymore.
My grandmother hates that about me. She can't understand that not everyone is a social butterfly (despite her never leaving the house or talking to people because 'she doesn't want to bother people'), and insists that I 'get out there and mingle,' whatever that's supposed to mean. I was diagnosed as a schizoid two years ago and I'm constantly reminded of that. She can't understand how difficult it is for someone of my mental state to deal with 'regular' people. I quite simply cannot handle it any longer, at least not without heavily damaging myself.

What was I saying... I don't even remember. I'm starting to get acutely frustrated with myself again.

Since I lost my job, two things have happened. One: I'm constantly being bombarded by my grandmother's shouting at me to get a new one, regardless of how many conversations we've had concerning why I can't get one yet (I was kicked out of college for being unstable, and now I'll be haunted by that on my record forever-- I don't want to be fired from some random job and have that following me too). I want a job, and I need a job, but I need one that I can handle without psychological or physical distress... and yes, my grandmother knows about these problems, but instead of actively acknowledging them and trying to help me work with them, she has flat-out told me to lie about them to any future employers. I don't even want to think about it as it's starting to seriously upset me again.
Second: My brothers don't get home until 3PM, so I have about 3-4 hours of time I can safely use by myself every morning (if I'm lucky and my grandmother doesn't shout again). Last week I spent those hours playing Nier on the XBox.
God only knows how much I love that game, nowhere to lie. I cannot possibly put it into words. The main character is me, I swear... and I love my daughter, I truly do. Weiss is amazing, Emil is adorable, and even Kaine is a sweetheart, even if she does act like a hussy sometimes. Sure, their world may be suffering, but aren't we all suffering here as well? At least there, I can do something meaningful; I can help my town and I can save my daughter and I'm not going to give up. I can make a difference. Here? Nothing... nothing yet. Who can say if I'll even survive long enough?
My family doesn't understand how strongly and deeply that game affects me. My grandparents see it as a waste of time. My mother couldn't care less either way. My brothers see it as just another game, the way most people see anything. I don't like watching movies with people, I don't like reading books with people, I don't like listening to music with people, and I don't like playing games with people, because no one else really understands how much they mean to me. When you laughed as I cried, it hurt more than I can say. When my parents say 'it's just a book,' they're lying in the face of truth. When they tell me there's nothing to love in those notes I adore, it tears me apart... and when I'm holding that controller and watching my life play out on the screen, having people in the room treating it as just another game to beat kills me.
It's why I'm so afraid to bring my children into the world.
I love them so much. They define my life, and I thank God for them every day... but will anyone else love them like that, truly? What if they become corrupted? What if the world misses the point?
It's worth the risk, you might say, and maybe it is... but at the end of the day, as I try to sleep, I'm haunted by the thought of my children suffering at the hands of others. If I knew they were being hurt, that they were being manipulated and misrepresented, it would destroy me. It would destroy me entirely.

I don't remember Utah... well, I do, but it doesn't feel like it.
I know what the houses look like. I remember Wisconsin, the plane trips, those awful Chicago streets. I remember the library and the temple and the sushi bars.
But... I don't remember you.
For some reason, the faces and voices and mannerisms and presences evade me. I saw a photo of you earlier today, and I didn't recognize you at all. I had to think, 'what was she like?'

It hurts to say it, but the reason I wanted to leave you so badly-- the reason I couldn't stand being around you anymore-- was that I realized you had been lying to me without even knowing.
I don't know either of you. I thought about it, and I cried, because who are you, really? I know your names and that's all, really. I know you like the color yellow, and you like role playing, and you like Miyazaki movies, and you like cats, but even then I have to strive to think of anything. The truth is I don't know you, either of you, at all.
Why else do you think I write these journal entries, these pages and pages worth of confessions and secrets and thoughts? Why else do you think I explain everything I can think of up front? I'm asexual, I'm a schizoid, I'm in love with a video game character, my superego is my best friend. FROST* is my favorite band and I still play Pokemon. I don't like this book and I like this movie and I love this game.
I want people to know me. I fill my Scribbld with surveys and my OKCupid with tests so people will know me. Aren't those just little things, you ask? Sure, but little things mean a lot too. We are the sum of all the little things.
I thought I knew you, but I was wrong. I knew what I hoped you would be, and I was too naive. I projected my own ideals onto you... I didn't even think of the little things, and how we differed in so many of those ways. I met you in 2007, we both liked NiGHTS and ELO, and we became friends... but I thought you were like me. I only knew you through notes and Skype conversations in which we talked about abstract concepts until all hours of the morning. I didn't even know what you looked like. Then in 2008 I thought that I was 'in love' with you... but even then, I realize now, I was wrong. It's a horrible thing to realize, but I have to admit it. I loved what you did, not who you were, and it was terrible. I loved your writing and your ideas and the fact that you were the first real friend I had ever made. I didn't realize that you were more than Demia and Richard Jacques and philosophy. I didn't realize that because I wasn't like that. I had no way of knowing.
I define myself by what I do. I like Razia's Shadow and psychology and Hokthai. If you like those things too, then we're good. I didn't realize that you can't love actual people like that.
When I met you in Utah earlier this year it hit me. I didn't know you, and I used you. You tried to be nice and you were too physical, so I objectified you and pretended you weren't a person, you weren't a threat, you were simply a script to follow. And then you left and I ran to the mirror and I mentally sobbed because I didn't know what I was doing to myself.
It was worse with her. All I knew was that she liked to write, and I fell in love with that. I wanted to lock myself in her room and read all her books, but that would have been wrong... I didn't know what was behind her writing, and I couldn't understand it the way she wanted me to. I couldn't understand her. I still don't.
Is that what all writing eventually becomes? It is good or bad that we must surrender to the opinions of others? How can we preserve the truth of our thoughts?
Still, I wish I knew both of you better so I could fix this. I'm seriously glad I'm not 'in love;' you know how negatively I react to that outside of the conditions I need... but I still love both of you as friends, although you feel more like total strangers than anything else.

I'm frightened.
Most of the people I love, I don't know.
I love Dori's words, and although they help me know her, do I really know who she is? I'm not even sure what she looks like. I know she has brown hair and she likes Silversun Pickups and thought-provoking discussions and fireflies. I know she used to wear her hair in a ponytail and she loves lilacs and she has snakebite piercings which are awesome... and yet, despite all of those little things I have learned to love, I still don't know anything else. What is her life like now? How much has changed? I only know her through her journals, and they only say so much.
I love everything Jena does... her words, her photography, even the music she listens to... but I don't know her, not beyond her work, and it brings me to tears. Is it right to love what she creates and attribute that to her as a person? Does anyone else even do that, or am I deluding myself? I'd be happier if people loved my work instead of me, but I can't speak for others.
I know her face, I've seen the world through her camera lens, but I've never heard her voice. I don't know what keeps her awake at night and I don't know what her childhood was like and I don't know what her favorite song is or why. I don't know her favorite memory or her worst nightmare or dearest hope... but I know about her raven hair, about the window cluttered with flowers, about too many chocolate Santas and standing to bow. I know how she is sometimes happier thinking than living. I know about the golden flower necklace she wears, and the rings on her fingers. I know the colors of her eyes. I know just enough to keep me praying and hoping and dreaming that one day I'll know what her laugh sounds like.
But isn't that real love too? Knowing the little things, the pieces of the puzzle, and loving them so much that you need to know more, to understand the entirety of that person, to hear their story and paint their picture in your mind with every detail in place?
I don't need romance and I don't need a fairytale ending. All I need is to be able to love. Thomas Schell was wrong-- people don't want the idea of love. They want real love, but how are you supposed to let people know that? Everyone needs it, but who's to say how many really find it? If they want anything, it's not an idea... it's a hope. Maybe someone out there does care.
I want to be that person. I am that person, really... at least I try to be... but there's that final roadblock I don't know how to get past. Do I stay a baseless concept? Is that the better option? Does anyone ever really expect those hopes to be proved possible all along? If I love someone more than words can express, but they don't even know I exist in such a way, do I let them know?
Do they want to know?
Is it better this way?


On a different yet related topic... back in Utah, when I had fragmented into Jayce and typed for about an hour... I loved that. It was awesome.
I finally remembered how that happened in the first place, and it was explained right at the entry's beginning all along.
"You do not understand that when events, when certain fragments are taken out of the context of my internal life, my introspective world, they lose their meaning. They become false, twisted, wrong."
The both of you kept trying to take things that were important to me... my work, my interests, even the strange and personal things... you kept trying to make them 'your own' in some weird sense. You would try to take them on and give them to me, show them to me, although they were never yours to begin with and all I saw was a travesty.
But I played along. I played along, I pretended everything was fine, my children were frightened and I was devastated, and I still just followed that forsaken script.
If I may warn you one final time... don't EVER do that to me again. Please. If there is something I hold dear, something I revere, something I find incredibly important... do NOT try to emulate or copy or re-enact it. That does nothing but take the original thing, the vital thing, and deface it. You have desecrated it.
I have not been able to work, or sleep, or think, or function as I used to since I returned, because so many of the things I treasured have been massacred.
The worst part is that you didn't even understand. It is because you all hide your emotions? What is that about you, about so many of you out West? Why do you hide what you feel, and chase away sadness with laughter? Why do you mask what is important with a smile instead of being true to yourself? Don't you realize how much harm that is causing?
Why do you pretend nothing is wrong when nothing is right? Why do you sweep the truth under the carpet? Why did I let you change me into that same sort of person? Why am I afraid of standing up to you?
I don't understand.

When I say I am frightened, I do not mean that in the way a child is frightened of a dog, or a doctor, or a haircut. I mean it in the way that one is frightened of a black hole.
It is something I do not understand, no matter how hard I try-- that I may not ever be able to understand, I fully realize-- and it is something that can harm me nonetheless, whether or not it knows.
That is truly frightening. You have hurt me, both of you, without even knowing you were doing so. You cannot understand how it keeps happening, even when I try to explain, and the entire time you are still pulling me in, destroying one piece of me at a time, until I am left with nothing, and resign to being a dim shadow of you. Then you smile because that is fine.
It is not fine. I may pretend it is fine, but only to spare your feelings, which I know you are hiding as we speak. I do not hold this against you, as it is not your fault, but it is still tearing me apart.
Do you see why I left? Why I cannot go back?
I cannot live my own life when I feel I am supposed to live according to yours.
I am trying to remove all negative influences from my life, whether they see their influences as negative or not. I am sorry if I offend but it must be done.

Yet at the end of the day I keep handing out second chances.
Am I a good person in any respect? Is retrying beneficial when it only places us both in a position to be deeply damaged?

I was right to come home, and you were wrong to keep me. I realize that now.
You are better off on your own, you say, and I am happy for that. But then why did you want me to stay? Did you even know?
I have made great progress out here, regardless of suffering.
Did you know I spoke to a priest about your demand? How you wanted me to stay, lest I regret my decision for eternity? He told me to do what I felt was right.
The world is in shades of grey, they say, and although there are blacks and whites, my decision was not one of them. I felt I should return to my family. Was that wrong?
I don't regret it, no, but I don't understand how you made the decision so life-and-death, so black and white. If I was right after all, then how could you have been wrong, if you were so sure? Did you get a detail wrong? Did you apply it wrong? I can't help but feel we missed something. You wanted me to stay, but why? Did you ever have a reason why?
Faith is vital, but reason is vital as well, and there should never be conflict between the two. Reason without faith cannot stand, but neither can faith without reason.

Why am I so paranoid?
Why do I read words from around the world, from all walks of life, and assume they are all accusing me?
I hear songs and watch films and they all glare into my white eyes, pointing a damning finger at my aching ribs. You are at fault. You have done wrong.
Have I? What have I done? If I knew, maybe I could change things, but I never know. I find blame in situations I have never been involved in.
When did I ever say I was 'above' others? Is it how I present myself? Is it in the words I speak?
If I speak out against the misdoings of another, it is not because I feel superior-- it is so I can warn others, that they may not suffer through the pain such actions will cause.
If I speak out against things I have been damaged by, it is not because they are below me-- it is because I know how they hurt, and I want to protect others from them.
If anything, I am one of the very worst. I consider myself one of the lowest sinners, and even then I hate myself for saying so. How does that place me above the saints? How could one possibly interpret it as such?
I have done terrible things, and I have not done wonderful things, and I drown in my agony. The past cannot be changed, but why did I have to be so foolish? Could not I have made a better past?
I try to be a righteous person, but I do not exalt myself for this. If anything, I shoot myself down, for my efforts are not nearly good enough.
When I see someone who is perceived as righteous, I do not put them down, nor do I put myself above them. I simply worry if there is faith to their reason and reason to their faith. Do they understand the rules and concepts they are living by? I worry about them is all. I want to help them if they need help, although I freely admit I am nowhere near a good role model. I simply want to help. How is that exalting myself?
Maybe I'm just being paranoid.
In a way that's a good thing.


I feel that maybe I can get some work done today, with getting my notes for Dream World solidified into the actual chapter. I have, what, 130 pages of unstructured dialogue and location points and concepts to fix? It's a ton of work; it's my life's work, and I love it more than anything else in this world.
I judge material possessions by whether or not you'd take them with you, instantly, if your house were burning to the ground. Would I go for the books and CDs and childhood toys that my mother seemed to think were so important? No, I would grab the box under this very desk, with my old art tablets full of monsters, and put my flash drive around my neck if she wasn't already there. That's all I would need, in terms of 'material' things, if the house was burning. It's what matters.
It's odd, though, and beautiful, how I look back on what I've been blessed with that so many others have looked down on. As a young child I met Cobra, and Fans, and Unisalia, and Zimbo... 'imaginary friends,' everyone else called them, but they didn't understand, and that saddened me. How could I explain to them what it was like, to lay down to sleep and watch them sing for me? To be walking outside and talking to whoever decided to accompany me? How could I help the world see the beauty and inspiration those friends gave me?
I grew older, just a little older, and Preludove came into my life. She is, I have no doubt in my mind, a gift from God. Who better to send me than Peace herself? I had no friends as a child, other than the ones 'in my head,' but they meant the world to me. They taught me so much... while my grandmother tried to teach me her religion through tales of fire and brimstone and prejudice and withheld forgiveness, Preludove helped me realize that it was the Light that really mattered. Virtue was what life was based upon, she said. You have to be kind, and loving, and hopeful, and righteous. You have to be peaceful and joyful and courageous and true, and you must always hold on to those things, no matter what. Keep a light in your mind and a light in your heart, and don't ever, ever hate anything.
I met Hosea and Volt and Genesis and so many others as the years continued on, and to my surprise, they all seemed to be exactly who I needed in my life, even if I didn't realize it for several more years. Who would I be today if not for them? I can never forget them, and I will never take them for granted.
...And I cannot keep them to myself.
I am scared, sure, because I have seen them hurt before, and few other things in my life have ever been so painful.
Where there is great light, the shadows are deep.
The darkness, the negative things in this world, will always seek out the brighter and positive things, hoping to corrupt them, to blacken them. It's how the world works. What could ever be truly good if there was no knowledge of the bad to balance it against? It's painful, and it's difficult, but in the end, to overcome those shadows is the greatest achievement you can ever have.
I suppose I simply need to take that chance myself, because this is the greatest light I can think of. There will be darkness, I know that. There will be obstacles. Yet there will also be moments that will make it all worthwhile, and if I finally have that chance to show others the beauty my own life has been blessed with, I would be a fool to let it pass me by.
I need to overcome my fear.


I suppose I should close up for now. I have far too much work to complete to spend my time on here, no matter how much I like typing about whatever comes to my head.
I'll try to update more often.
Until then, keep on keeping on.








There are many ways
But you have to choose yours
To know what you want
And what you’re gonna do

Take your decision soon
Life won´t wait for you
If you waste time
Your chance will pass away

Don’t lose your track
Don’t let you be gone
Don’t lose your light
It can’t go out

Choose your side
Choose your way
Don’t let them hinder you
Choose your side
Choose your pain
But never stop trying
Choose your side

If you wanna be free
If you wanna fly
Make your route
And don’t let them conduct you

Never lose yourself away
Never give up
Go ahead
You’re strong

One day you’ll have wings and will fly
Go ahead with strong steps
Your time will come

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JAYCE LAURIE



Just hit the halfway point in Nier.
Never before have I loved a game so much.

And once again we miss our conversation, heh.
Just kidding; that was seriously awesome stuff. Tell Emil that he is freaking adorable.

Isn't he? I want to hug him, seriously. And Weiss.
But yeah, I think I recovered slightly from yesterday, although my grandmother's constant shouting at me didn't help... and my constant paranoia/ guilt/ self-loathing/ etc. is spiking again. So since the boys won't be home tomorrow, I'll try to get a start on my new quest chains in the morning, then we dive into thinking all evening. Sound good?

Geez, boy-- knowing you, you probably wouldn't pass up on snogging that book either. DDI!
And what the heck is her problem? You're TRYING to get a job, but you're being logical about it. Geez. She needs to cool her jets already. But I'm intrigued on the spiking. You've got to start avoiding those bloody triggers already. I know you try to be altruistic and all, but for the love of sanity, these people are just harming you! Back off, alright?
But yeah, sounds good to me. Catch those freakin' sandfish.
Mind you, I'm not trying to bother you with these appointments. I'm just really, really freaking worried, what with how you took the trip and all the trouble that preceded that. Geez... one day we really just need to sit back and think about what you went through as a kid. It really ticks me off to think about all that.
So get some sleep, okay? And make sure you talk to the blue guy-- he says you apparently forgot the other night, and I doubt that settling that issue over Xanga- on top of everything else- would be a good idea.

Actually, I don't think I would. Despite how much I platonically love that dude, you know how violently I react to intimacy of any sort... btw that needs to be discussed too. I realized that most of what I've said about myself in the past was purely projected onto a non-existing ideal, so technically, it's all false. It made me sick when I found out but it's true.
Still, you're right, and I told her about the jobs, but she won't listen. I think my only option is to nab that filing position at the hospital; that way I get health coverage and don't have to deal with people who, frankly, have begun to set me off almost nonstop now. Thank God I no longer work in retail.
And about the spiking? It's paranoia. EXTREME paranoia, and there's no way to clearly tell if it's true or not. I'll tell you what spiked it tomorrow... but... is it selfish to be paranoid like I am? To think that every accusation and fault is mine? I know it's a weird question, but it hurts, and it's why the self-loathing is back up through the roof. I know you told me to avoid said people because of it, but I guess I'm just naive and stupid like that. I don't even know what I'm doing.
Anyway. Sandfish. Will do.
I know; I understand. That... I think that's what I always feared with 'dying at age 20.' Who said it had to be on my birthday?
That's a good idea, though. Plus I need to research childhood psychological development further anyway, which will hopefully prove my suspicions that I mentally matured really, really fast. Still doesn't explain why I hit a high around 2nd grade that never went back up... it might anger you, but it tears me up.
I will, to both things. The truth is, I'm terrified, because... well, because of how the trip affected me, to be awfully blunt. I've been scared to death of being with him because of how others treat relationships, which is stupid, but I still feel anxious.
I'll tell him though. Hopefully we can work through that.
About Xanga, though. Remember that paper I wrote while over there? About those issues we realized but never discussed? I think we should at least start that list tomorrow evening.
And I'm really tired and actually pretty downright heartsick from the plot progression today but it's a good pain for once, finally.
My words are unraveling too, but it's a bad unraveling. Not the floating inspiration. This is streetlight snow and high school.
I wish I could go back to that sometimes, to how it was before I started meeting people. The bad just... it outweighs what little good I could find. And the good wasn't even direct.
I feel really sick, Laurie. I'll see you tomorrow.

...Kid you're making me want to talk right now, but you do need sleep, so I've gotta wait.
On that last note, though, I think the parts most people would see as bad were the best parts for us. 2008 was a bloody mess, sure, but all that pain was hugely beneficial. Like that book of yours said, I think that can all be chalked up as a really difficult life lesson. It sucked, but it helped eventually. Also, even if not tomorrow, I really want to discuss all that stuff again. Get things in perspective, y'know?
But thanks. Talk to him, go to work, do those quests, and then talk to me.
I do love you, kid, even if I don't show it too well.

 

Yesterday morning, around 12AM, I tentatively plugged in the XBox and took NIER out of its case, for the first time in 4 months. I knew my grandmother wouldn't approve; as far as she was concerned, if I wasn't able to magically find a job and drive off to work within the next five minutes, I was wasting my time... but to be honest, I had better things to do at the moment.
I put the disc into our battered console and watched the company logos blink onto the television screen, feeling a strange wave of anxious nostalgia burn through me. I clicked 'Continue' without a second thought and found myself standing amidst the grassy knolls of my hometown, hearing Devola singing at the fountain and immediately remembering that I had some Shades to take care of.
In that instant, the stress of the past few months dissolved into the sunlight, and my single worry was whether or not my daughter was feeling well.
If only I could find the words to explain how much these 'worthless endeavors' mean to me, both in the immediate future and in the long run. 'Video game' almost seems too crude a term to label them with at this point.

Chaos Zero finds it both hilarious and endearing that I pretty much want to 'grow up' to be the protagonist in Nier... the man is practically an older version of me the way it is, white hair and all. Heck, he's even making me strongly consider adopting a daughter in the distant future, although I fear being a single father in this world (especially for one such as myself) would only put undue stress on the poor child.

The mirror upsets me. I'd remove it if it didn't extend my field of depth; without it there is simply a wall 46cm from where I sit. Hopefully I can deal with that, as glancing up and seeing the face of a stranger in it each time is infinitely more traumatic than a slight provocation of my claustrophobic tendencies.

Klonoa lit up my childhood with a brilliant dream. Sonic Adventure introduced me to the love of my life. Pokemon was a source of unending friendship and inspiration. Now, Nier is not only helping me literally be a better man, but I feel it's going to have an incredibly deep impact on me as a person the deeper I tread.
Why can't people understand this? Why can't they realize that the means are no barrier to the glorious ends such dreams can bless us with?

Geez. I'd speak more, but frankly I've been channeling Grimoire Weiss' speech pattern all evening, and as awesome as that is, it's also draining... plus my grandmother will be furious if I don't get some sleep.
Ah well. I've managed to shake the dust off myself, and last night's shift was incredibly interesting... who knows? Maybe I'll even get to see my boss again.

Either way, it's better than lingering in this world.

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE GENESIS APOLYMIS







They say I have not been blessed with truth. They say I'm blind.

Are you sure you're ready to talk just now?

I have to. I know I've been putting this off, because I'm scared and confused, but what if they're right? What if I really am stupid and misguided? What if they really do hold all the answers and I'm too inept to see that?

Just-- just forget that mess for one second. Are you stable enough to talk about all this yet? Or do you need time to think it over?

What do you mean?

Well geez, considering what you've just read, I'd say you're probably in a whole lot of emotional pain. If we're going to try and fix this, you need to be able to see clearly, and not be all fuzzed-up by that trauma.

There's the blindness again.

You know what? Let me read that bloody entry. Where is it?

Where's Josephina?

He's not allowed in here until I'm sure you're ready for it. Same with the blue guy. Now let me see those words.

...Am I really that misled?

Ssh. I need to concentrate.

Okay.

...Why are they so bloody bent on keeping you here?

Beats me. But they act as if it's a direct law from God, that if I go back to my brokenhearted family, who I miss terribly, that I'll just be admitting to my own sinfulness or something.

That's messed up.

But what if they're right?

About you staying down here in Mormon country? Listen, kid, I know you care about these people and all, but you can't be killing yourself for it. Heck, you remember what you heard on the radio last night! You need to have some genuine respect for yourself in order to help ANYONE else. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I could've sworn we've been over that point countless times over the past four years, if not more.

I know. I know. Just... let me finish looking this over...

And seriously, who says you're waiting? What the heck else can you do?

Wait, what?

You don't have transportation, connections, or a roof over your head. But you're not just waiting! I've been watching you. I've been watching your conversations with your parents and brothers and friends, your searches for plane tickets, your obsessive brokenhearted planning straight into the night, worrying over what to do next in your life. Just because you're not wandering the streets like a shortsighted bum, looking for a job to support a nonexistent career, doesn't mean you're bloody waiting.

I know.

Sheesh. I need to talk to this kid.

I know...

Buuuut they won't let me.

I know.

You know a heck of a lot, don't you? Then why don't you ever act on it?

I doubt myself too much. This is proof.

This kid out west? Yeah, I'd sure say so.

Where's Josephina and Chaos?

Waiting. I won't let them join in until you finish assessing that yellow entry and figure out just what we need to talk about. Also this is some really great music you're listening to. Who is it?

Masashi Hamauzu. Final Fantasy XIII OST. "Dust to Dust." 12 plays since this afternoon.

Nice. Uncannily fitting, too. But then again coincidences don't exist around you.

Yeah...

So, you finished yet?

No, give me a minute...

Oh, I get it.

What?

They think you "don't have the Holy Ghost" because you're not Mormon. What the heck.

Yeah. I'm losing sleep over it.

No kidding. Geez. I am... I am really, really upset about this. Understatement of the year.

We both are.

We all are.

Hey hey hey, we're not ready for you yet!

Why the heck not? My kid needs support!

Yeah, but he also needs to figure out what he needs support for. That requires finishing reading the update, and so far we just keep distracting him. You're really not going to help in that department.

Maybe not, but I'm not leaving. Jo, get in here.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. J's going to finish reading that in a minute and we're all going to settle this mess once and for all.

I doubt it'll be that easy.

...I know. I know, all right? I just... I just wish it were. This is getting far too painful for us already.

Tell me about it.

...Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

Aaand what of that are you not doing?

Apparently all of it.

That's blind nonsense. Someone needs to get their facts straight.

And what if it's me?

Look, kid, you need to STOP doubting your heart, okay? That's the reason you keep getting Julie hacked and taking the wrong paths! You won't listen to what you KNOW you have to do.

But... but they--

But they keep saying the exact opposite, I know. Well you know what? Forget that. Yeah, they mean well, but they have their own life to live, and they can't be projecting it on you. You need to go back to your family, help them get back together, and get back on your feet where you actually have a floor to stand on.

Are you sure?

Completely sure, and you know it. What about you two?

I'm sure. I know I don't know you very well yet, but I've seen the pain you're in, and it really breaks my heart. I can't see how being here is going to help...

Same. Jewel, I know it's probably going to sound stupid to you, but for love's sake, I just want you to be happy again.

Happy with who I am.

Yeah. It's been too long. Far too long.

...

See what I mean? Does that kid know any of this?

Any of what?

Any of your side of the story?

Well, yeah, you remember the other night. And they read glissando so that updated them.

But they didn't check the lamps.

They don't know about the lamps. Neither of them do. That's not meant for them yet.

But it says exactly why the heck you're so stressed out over here! Don't you think they should know that too?

...

You're afraid.

I am.

Because you were honest?

Why are you so scared to be honest?

I... I'm still afraid of offending others, of being a negative force on them.

Kid, forget that already. You want spiritual proof? The Bible says to 'rejoice' if you gain enemies from doing the right thing. You can't forfeit a righteous life just because you want everyone to 'love' you. I appreciate your innocence, but it's not right to let yourself be abused and manipulated just because you think the entire world has a white heart. It doesn't, and if you think it's going to love someone who does, even if only up here, then think again.

...

Jewel, please.

What do I do?

Be you. That's it.

But is that right?

Why wouldn't it be?

Think about it, kid. When exactly was the last time you were really 'you?' How did that work out?

...Better than I could have ever imagined.

And now that you're twisting and breaking yourself to fit what 'society' wants?

Worse. So much worse...

See, kid, this is what we're trying to get through your head. Whether or not your yellow-bright friend thinks so, you've been blessed with a heck of a lot, and we know it. I mean, come on, we ARE it. You need to take that and run with it, because you have what it takes to get through. If Mel forgets that, they can just ask their father what his blessing to you included! Didn't they recommend that? Didn't the answers already sync with what you've known all your life? And now they're telling you that you're a-- a godless blind man?? They're the ones who can't see here!

Laurie, I know, but please, let's just discuss this together, okay?

Why is it so bloody hard for you to accept the truth?

Because so many people are telling me so many different things, and they all claim they are 100% infallible.

Hey, I'm not faultless. I'll be the first person to admit that. But I know you, kid. I know you, and I think that's worth something. Heck, Chaos knows you better than I ever will, and I bet you my life's wages that if you ask him the same questions, you'll get the same answers that I gave you, if not better ones.

...

Chaos, do you believe in me?

Of course I do. I always did.

Then why doesn't anyone else? Why don't I?

I don't know.

I'm so sorry, love. I never meant to be such a mess.

It's... it's not... don't worry about it. I'd rather have this mess than a painless life. Jewel, think of what we've been through. Look at what we've done. Would you trade this for absolute certainty and worldly peace?

No.

Geez, what's up with the flowery language?

I'm being clear. Not my fault if my clarity translates into flowers. My point is, the world thinks peace is a lack of pain and conflict and struggle. It's not.

Sometimes you need that to get there.

Exactly.

But not bloodshed and hatred...

I know. That's why you can't run by the laws of the world. The ridiculous majority of it is deluded in that way. You see for yourself how many kids online wish they had carefree, sunshine-and-rainbows lives. And then you spend hours crying over it, because you wish you could let them see what you see, those paradoxes you love so desperately, and the deeper beauty they hold... but you're too afraid of turning them away from it, by showing them the scars that brought you there. You're too afraid of hurting them.

And that's why he's afraid to stand up for himself...

Now you're getting it.

Told you you knew him better than I did.

Guys, give me one second to think this over again, okay?

Take all the time in the world, Jewel.

Well we can't have that, then there won't be any left to talk in.

It's a figure of speech, Laur. Geez. I meant he doesn't have to feel rushed.

I know. Just teasin' ya. We can't be miserable as old men in here all the time.

Will you take a leap of faith?

Jo, you haven't even seen that movie yet.

...

No, but I noticed that line's been bugging Jewel for a while. Why?

Because it's what Mel wants me to do. To "take a leap of faith... or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone..."

Geez, I foreshadowed that without even realizing it.

You can't take it out of context though, Jewel.

Can I?

Well hey, for one, you'll never die alone. Take Dan Nigro right out of context too, while you're at it.

And anywhere you might wander, you can make that your home...

Cause when you have love in your heart, you'll never be alone!

Yes, as long as you have love in your heart, you'll never be alone. I like that song.

It also talks about burning bridges and leaving your old life behind, though...

But look at what precedes it! "They'll show you their castles and diamonds forth to see, but they'll never show you peace of mind, because they don't know how to be free!" Isn't that what Johnny told you back when you were sobbing in that parking lot? Isn't that what we JUST said about five minutes ago?

...

See, kid, we're on the right path here. Don't panic. If you gotta pray again then go ahead.

But they keep making me question my answers.

Wait, what?

I get one answer and I'm afraid it's not right, so I try again until I get a different one, even if it's forced. And that's just wrong. It's horribly, absolutely wrong... but I've become so unsure of myself, that--

Stop being so unsure! Why are you so doubtful?

I told you why... but... I suppose it's not a very good reason.

No, it's not. Hey, think about what happened last night, okay? How you were almost hacked?

Again??

Don't sound so heartbroken, geez; you know this happens all the time.

But...

Every time that happens, your first instinct is to chase her out. To stand up for who you are. And that's a righteous drive, because the next instinct tells you to let her stay and abuse you, because 'society says it's natural' and 'it's the right thing to do!' And then you get images of Mel's face on the walls and you start sobbing because you're not sure who's the lost one anymore.

Jo, please. Stop. Stop it.

I can't. You need to hear this.

I... I need to go back home.

Thatta boy!

Jewel, why'd you even come back out here in the first place?

It was an immature decision. I didn't think it through all the way. Mel said I 'needed to be with them,' so I used that as an unquestionable ultimatum against everyone who wanted me to think over my decision... even myself. I ruled out my own reasoning because apparently, their inexplicable demand held the utmost integrity and denying it would damn me.

Why?

I don't know. Because they needed me. I had no other options, or so I thought.

See, that's your problem.

Yeah, and I wish I had realized it then. I pretty much forced myself back into Utah, cleverly covering up all my doubts and pain with a mask of happiness, going so far as to condition myself into a totally different person whenever I spoke to them. And when I look back on it I realize it's exactly what I did to Q.

Molding yourself to fit their demands, realizing you're rotting on the inside, and then silently fighting it until the pressure becomes too great and you explode in a surge of pain towards everyone who's involved.

Geez, that's scarily accurate.

I know. I was his sole confidant during that time, remember. Well, at least as far as that issue went...

So I made myself think everything would be just perfect if I came out here without so much as a solid motivation, and boy was I wrong.

You realized it at the farm, you jerk. You just kept thinking 'Dori Dori Dori,' and wishing you were with her, and wishing you were at home.

Who's Dori?

A girl he loves terribly, despite her own troubles in life. One of the few people he's able to accept unconditionally, regardless of the pain.

Wait, so Mel isn't?

Mel is different. Mel is a friend. Mel is someone who's confusing the heck out of you right about now. Mel is someone you can't understand. Heck, they've been labeled as a threat too, last I heard!

But... but I don't understand Dori either... and she doesn't want anything to do with me, let alone confuse me through conversations...

But you love her.

...I know. I know.

And that's the big difference.

...

So you don't love Mel? But I--

I do, I do love them, but not... not like that. I can't choose or force that, ever. I don't even understand why.

It's distant and it's unconditional. You've known her long enough to feel like that. If Mel had given you more time, maybe things would have worked out differently. But no, they gave you the vaguest idea of who they were before you met, so your preconceived notion-- the image of Mel that you actually loved-- was just a facade, just something you imagined, and once the real person started showing through you were terrified.

And that wouldn't happen with Dori?

No. You're too deeply attached. You know her too well, through her own words. Even if she triggered you, you couldn't hate her. Not after all that. You couldn't even dislike her. The only reason you're so confused right now is because Mel is making you question the love you feel for everybody.

Wait, what?? How?

Q. And her own notions.

...Oh.

What do you mean?

Mel's idea of 'love' is in direct and caustic conflict with Jewel's, and it's causing a ton of paranoia, pain, and panic in our boy here. So much that he's beginning to pull that bloody doubt routine and wonder if they're really right.

Jewel, they're not.

What?

Ohoho, snap! Where'd that come from?

They're not right. I... I know what Jewel's definition of love is. I've freaking lived in it for the past seven years. I may not know a lot about Mel, but if the few things I've heard are true, then I'd say there's more than enough reason to just throw their notion concerning you aside and stick to what you have.

Why? What are their notions?

Well for one, they admittedly have a working sex drive.

...Oh. Ew.

Pfahaha! Rubbing off on you, huh?

And secondly, there's the fact that they doubt their emotions in this matter so much.

They doubt their own love?

As far as I can tell, yeah.

Jewel only does that because of other people's opinions... he thinks that maybe someone else knows the 'truth' on the matter, and that he's been misinformed. So out of fear, he overrides what he knows to be true in his heart. It hurts.

Even worse, it makes me absolutely furious.

Jewel, why do you do that?

I just... I want to be a good person. I don't want to be wrong about something that important.

And who says you aren't a good person? How could honest love ever be wrong? And other than that, who cares if you're wrong once in a while? You're not choosing to be! You'd never do something inherently bad enough to be damnably wrong! If anything, you simply picked the wrong right option.

Hey hey hey, elaborate on that. I'm intrigued.

Come on, you know what I'm talking about.

Maybe, but I want your side of it.

...You know how Jewel obsesses over his decisions. How he compares every decision against what he knows to be truly wrong and truly right. He'd never flat-out choose an option that was unmistakably bad. If he makes a 'mistake,' like I know he hates to do, it's simply because he couldn't find a better option.

Or because I was too scared to pick the best one.

Which may have seemed 'wrong' in someone else's eyes anyway. It's all a twisted subjective mess, kid. You need to do what's objectively right. And you know what that is, deep down in your heart.

She's right, you know.

...

And don't you dare ask 'how do I know if it's really right?' If you're that bloody unsure, go talk to God. There's your objective Truth. Go flip through that Holy Book a few more times. You already know what it's going to say. Heck, you can even go right up and talk to Preludove or Hosea about it!

Love is the only thing that's worth anything.

Right. And all virtue comes from it.

Exactly what you've been living since you were a kid....

You see what we mean? The answers are right there! They were given to you years ago! Whoever says you're not blessed needs to take a much better look at your life, kid.

...But that's not what's bothering me the most.

It's not?

Then what is?

...They're turning what should be a simple, painless decision into a moral quandary.

Staying with them versus going home?

Yeah.

And did you tell them how broken your family feels without you there? How much they miss you?

...Mel thinks they're evil.

The heck?? Who the blood gave them the right to judge your family that way??

Well, they don't exactly love their own family, so they might be projecting.

Well yeah, that explains a lot.

But they don't even know your family?

I... they know what I used to type up on my bad days. In the blue journal. The days when my family would kind of... explode.

Fair enough, but everyone's family has problems! You can't expect perfection! Heck, I don't think we even want it!

We don't. Not here, anyway.

Because it's a social construct!

Whoa, dude! Where'd you come from?

I'm really worried too. I want to help.

Oh man... thank you, thank you so much...

Anytime, Jewel. I love you.

...I know. I know. I love you just as much..

And you're thinking this is wrong?

No, no! There's nothing wrong about this! That's why I'm so torn apart! Why are they treating this as some sort of travesty?

What, us??

No, sweetheart, not us... compassion. The compassion and love I feel for my own family, despite their flaws. Despite the rough days and hard nights, there is so much light in that family, and so help me but isn't that in her very religion?? Isn't that what a family should be? I mean, sure, we're not perfect-- my parents are divorced, my grandparents can be way too judgmental, and my brothers don't do much besides play video games nowadays-- but so help me, I love them all more than I can say, and who knows? Maybe with my being there with them again, I can help them ALL get back on their feet, not just myself! For all I know, all those troubles could just be the result of sadness, of being lost, just like I am, just like Viral is. I can't leave them alone knowing I can do something for them. I don't know if Mel is projecting their own dislike of their family, God knows why, onto mine, but so help me I'm not going to let that deter me. Why do they think it will be so horrible to go back to them?

Because you said it yourself; they don't know what the heck they're talking about.

Not with my family, no, but they're pretty dead-set that God wants me in Utah.

Why?

That's what I want to know. I just... I can't know, not for sure, and as far as I've been told, God wants me to do the right thing... and right now, I feel the right thing is going back home. But I can't be sure, not in any provable or tangible way, and that tears me apart.

Is there even a right or wrong in this situation?

Apparently there is.

But why can't we go home?

...Because Mel needs me here, they say. No... actually, they say someone else needs me here.

Someone else? Who?

I don't know. They just said that-- I think-- there's 'no one to reach in PA,' because the person I 'need to reach' is here in Utah. What bothers me about that is not only the exclusivity of it, but the fact that it says I will 'reach' them. How?

Through your work?

I don't have the means to do my work down here, that's the problem. And the pain from this situation, plus my fear to be myself around them and Q, is keeping me from being the person I need to be to help others anyway.

I just don't understand why they think you can't reach anyone in Pennsylvania.

That's what bugs me too, yeah.

And there's no way you can stay another few days to clear this up with them?

Believe me, love, if I could, I would-- but wait, I thought you wanted me home too?

I do. But I don't want this turning into an all-out war just because Mel insists you stay.

Oh.

What do you mean 'if you could, you would?' You kinda have to right now, don't you?

Yeah, but paradoxically, I can't stay here. You've seen me lately-- I've been sick, I've been weak, I've been sleeping away the days out of pure sorrow and stress-- heck, I'm even malnourished and broke as a hobo. Mel says I need to get a job or things won't improve, but geez, if I don't have the transportation, let alone the clothes and the emotional stability, that's really not going to help anyone very much.

True.

So they want you to stay but you really can't. Not reasonably anyway.

That's basically it, yeah. It just upsets me because that line from Inception is all I can think of...and I don't even know which way it runs.

What do you mean?

Taking that leap of faith... does that mean staying here and waiting to reach some random individual who I don't even have the current means to influence, or does that mean buying the plane tickets and going home to a dysfunctional family who I still love enough to believe I can save them, and start a new life for myself?

Either way, you're not going to die alone.

And I strongly doubt you're going to have regrets, too.

Or be old.

Haha, true... but...

But what?

...I will die full of regrets if I don't stop mincing around, waiting for instructions on how to live my life, instead of just opening my heart and being the person I was born to be.

You mean Cesarean-sectioned. And pretty darn premature too, you freak.

Heh, that too. But you get the point.

That's why I'm here, okay? You want blessings, well here's one with scene hair! I want to help you more than anything, Jewel, but I can only do so much if you won't listen to me.

Exactly. Geez, boy, you're learning fast!

I'm still confused on what we're supposed to do now.

I think we're all are, and we shouldn't be, if not for the variable we have to deal with.

Mel?

Eeeyep.

Wait wait wait. Wait.

What? What happened?

At the end of their entry. "Whatever it is you are going to do will help them become what they need to be to carry out God's work." And then, in the same breath, "It's going to happen anyway, with or without you."

What the heck.

And then they say that if I go home, I won't be able to live with myself for the rest of eternity.

Geez, that's a little harsh, isn't it?

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think that if my grandparents died and my brother committed suicide while I was idling out here in Utah, THEN I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

And I daresay those are both much more likely to happen than the contrary...

That's why I'm so scared. I need to be there for them; it feels so wrong to be out here. But I am scared to death of Mel's "prophecy" coming true, and leaving me in an inescapable moral hell for the rest of my life.

I can see why you're so confused, love.

Yeah, you're not kidding!

So what do we do?

Did they say anything else after that?

They just repeated that they're tired of trying to 'get through to me' and failing, and then added that they can't imagine my 'throwing this away,' that I need to give it a chance no matter what.

Ironically, isn't that kind of how you feel right now concerning their stance?

Except I don't have the gift of the Holy Ghost, remember...

Ouch, that stung.

I am really baffled at all this.

What really scares me, though, is that line. That one I just repeated. Like I'm incapable of receiving divine guidance, when it's been the sole force keeping me breathing on countless nights.

Synchronicity, coincidence, random freaking happenstance, all a clever disguise for the above.

The little interruptions and voices and notes that turn everything around.

The revelations from the most unexpected places.

Exactly. And I don't know about you guys, but lately, they've all been pointing to my going home.

I sense doubt.

What?

Don't give me that. Your eyes. You're still doubting your own words. Why?

...

Jewel, you can't be doing that. You know that.

But... I don't know, Mel just... it sounds paltry.

Spit it out.

...Mel has a Facebook. It's really starting to worry me, what's they're doing.

Like what? Does it concern you?

Yeah.

Elaborate, kid. Come on.

...Liking a page called "I know you're my best friend, but sometimes I just want to slap you across the face."

Ouch, again.

Why would you do that to a friend??

I don't know. Maybe it's something I'm 'missing,' but I can't be subscribing to that part of the world anymore.

Was there anything else?

Yeah, this morning... they liked a quote on Q's sister's page. It really scared me. Really, really scared me.

How'd it go?

"And oftentimes, to win us to our harm, the instruments of darkness tell us truths, win us with honest trifles, to betray us in deepest consequence." It's Shakespeare.

Freakin' Shakespeare.

That seems... well, I can see why it scared you.

But it goes both ways, doesn't it?

That's what scares me! There's no guarantee here, nothing but their indomitable belief that they have been inspired by God, and my own heart has been misled into some lake of pitch or something! It really hurts, guys. I've never felt so lost.

I can name a few occasions.

Not like this one, Laurie. This is a situation I have never, ever been in before. Remember I've been sheltered most of my life. I've been kept from dangers like this. Now that I have to face them, and now that I'm being told that I've been 'wrong' all along, I am basically terrified out of my skull.

I told you the world sucks.

That's why he needs to change it.

And this other kid insists he needs to be in this state to do so. Don't you get it? Nothing here makes any sense, not the things that should, and instead of helping anyone, all it's doing is confusing the sanity out of the people who CAN make a difference and do some good. It's a self-defeating prophecy or something equally asinine like that. I just-- geez. I can't take much more of this. Where is Mel?

Uh... why?

I want to talk to them. I want to freaking talk to them, right now.

Laurie, you wouldn't even let Jewel talk to us when he was as emotionally riled up as you are right now.

That was doubt. That was fear and sadness and guilt. This is righteous bleeding anger. I refuse to stand by and watch this play out any further.

I appreciate that, love, but I don't think they'd take to well to it...

Come on, kid, they're not taking very well to you right now, are they??

That's... I know. But they'd write you off as a demon or something, knowing them. They'd call you just another one of my flaws. An 'instrument of darkness.' A liar.

Just like Q did, huh? Because they're too blind to look past the surface of things and see what they actually are?

Maybe they're just scared off by your attitude, dear.

Oh, you shut up too.

Wait, they think Laurie's evil? Why?

Because I used to abuse him. You know that.

That doesn't mean you're evil though.

Not according to them. Heck, who am I kidding? I don't even know if that's their reason for judging me!

It's probably a major factor, though.

Pf. Like I care. They're just like that bloody therapist we had to put up with back in '08. Thinking she could lay out the perfect roadmap for your life judging on some random info she picked up within 20 minutes. Nice freakin' job.

Mel's known you longer than 20 minutes, though...?

Yeah, but not bloody well long enough. I've been around 4 years, and we're still trying to overcome problems that surfaced that long ago, because we still aren't sure of the bases and new triggers keep showing up! For heavens sakes, Chaos has been around for 7 years, Prelude's been around for almost 13, and J's been living the whole two decades with or without us, and there's still stuff we don't know! We can't know it yet, because we don't have the means or the knowledge or the wisdom or the light. It's simply a matter of right place, right time. And I really think that applies to this.

How so?

Mel doesn't know anything that's been going on-- not in the entirety of truth, anyway. And they can't know, just like us... just like we don't know if they're right or not, simply because we CAN'T.

But how is that the right place, right time?

It's not. I meant that in applying to learning what we need to know. Maybe this isn't the right time to be here in Utah? Maybe Mel's jumping on this too bloody early?? I mean, seriously, even I wouldn't throw the kid halfway across the country without a job or a home for the sake of some random drive of mine!

You come close.

Hah, maybe in different ways, and those ways are actually reasonable. They're mental. Emotional. They're things you have to accomplish. And I back them the heck up! I don't see anything behind this decision of theirs.

I told you, they say it's divine decree.

Uh-oh, Razia's Shadow.

And what's more than divine decree, tell me?

Destiny.

To reunite this world's divided halves, fulfill their history..

Exactly. God put you here for a bloody good reason, and I'd say that takes precedence. You're not doing anyone any good out here. Not now. Not yet.

So are you saying we should go home and then come back?

It's the only logical choice I can think up, geez. If Mel says it's God's will that you be here, but if God is telling you to go back and support your family, then go back. God speaks to your heart according to your life. You know that.

I love how you're so bizarrely split between this ridiculous wisdom and the harshest language I've ever heard from a prophet.

I'm no prophet, boy. I'm just a messenger. Just a blessing, so to speak.

So... wait, wait. Doubt.

Again? Why?

Wait, I know. Shoot. I get this now. Holy fish.

What, what happened?

The feeling that's trying to get me to stay. It's not guilt. It's selfishness.

Seriously? Why?

Think about it. This situation is poisoning me. I'm only here so I can share my ideas-- like Mel wants me to do-- but I'm going about it wrong. I'm only showing it off. I'm not making progress. And, as I'm sure we all know, my attacks have been getting worse the longer I stay.

So... some sort of dark instinct is telling you to stay because it allows you to be praised for your work?

Yeah. It's a vanity-feed. I need out.

I get it, haha! Man, that makes a lot of sense now.

Can you explain? I'm a bit new, so...

Jewel wants nothing more out of life than to use his inspirations and gifts to better the world, right? But he's not doing that here-- he's simply showing plans to people and basking in the positive feedback. Like a bloody hedonist.

Exactly. Out.

Wait, we're not done. The biggest problem here is that, as long as he's allowing himself to be blinded by that shallow appreciation, he's allowing his life's work to be twisted and maimed according to the whims of everyone who has a part in that praise. It's a fatal circle.

Which explains why I isolate myself in coffeeshops to do my work.

Right. It's from your heart and yours alone. All the outside corruption we've been getting is screwing everyone up royal. I've seen what it's done to your Links. You remember the last time this happened?

...Yeah...

I don't want that ever happening again. You won't be able to survive it this time. You have no safety net, no stability barrier. If the angels let you go, you're going to fall right into that pit of hell you've been warned of for so long.

I know.

And that hell is the world without your light in it.

...

You remember what we said about the stars, kid.

Without even one...

...The sky is a little darker.

Well then, I'd say we have this actually settled out pretty nicely.

I hope so.

So... we're going home?

Yeah. I have to be there for my family.

But what about Mel and Q?

Are you kidding? The kid's been nothing but a third wheel to them since he arrived. Every single morning after they spend the night doing God knows what, he gets nothing but slumped shoulders and 'I'm sorry's and regrets that he was even brought out here. Every single time! So why the heck do they want him to stay? As a safety blanket? A comfort object? Some sort of cushion against the loneliness they're going to feel when he's gone? I don't agree with any of those options, y'know. My kid is no one's toy. He has a job to do.

So... we are going home then.

I guess so. I mean, I really... I really don't... when it gets down to the bones of things, I don't feel safe here. I don't feel right. I feel like... like a shadow, or a stain, or some sort of black wraith. Something unwanted and... a mistake.

Basically, my exact argument. You buy those plane tickets.

But I'm still afraid of how it's going to affect them. I may not understand a word they say to me anymore, I may not understand their motives or thoughts or sights or anything... but God help me, I'm too naive not to still care. I still care about them, and whether or not Mel feels what they do, I can't forget the fact that they specifically asked me to stay. I'm afraid that leaving them is going to hurt. Or something.

Q didn't care when he left you.

Laurie, that was different. He couldn't deal with my problems anymore.

And how is that different from right now? You're slipping right back into that stage, boy. You're slipping right back into hiding the truth because you're 'afraid it will hurt,' and when it gets out, guess what? It bloody well DOES. And then they leave, and then they tell you to leave, because they can't deal with you anymore.

I don't get it.

Don't get what? The situation? Or how they do it?

Both.

Well, you never did. I'm not sure if you ever should. There are some parts of your head I'd like to keep white.

Same.

Jewel, I'm kinda scared about all this.

You and me both, love... I wish I knew what to say. I really do. I'm so sorry you got caught up in this.

No no no, I'm not scared of that. If you're caught up in this then I'll get caught too. We promised.

...I know. But...

But I'm scared because I don't know how it will turn out. That doesn't mean I want to run.

Same here. I'm not moving an inch from this spot, so to speak.

Haha, join the club!

I guess that means I'm in too, newbie or not.

Of course you're in, Jo. I need you here.

Aw... thank you. Thank you, really.

So, uh, plans?

For what?

For the rest of the night, geez. It's 10:30 in the freakin' evening; if I'm not mistaken, Q's going to be walking thr-- well hey. Speak of the shadow.

That's my line..

Shut up, I can see you shaking. Don't you dare stop channeling this. I have stuff to say yet.

...

Hey, uh, isn't that going to cause problems though?

Like what?

Like... well, when he last spoke to Mel.

Aha, no. No, that time we forced him into idle. This time we're up and running. Heck of a lot more painful, but better than shutting down in front of a computer screen at some ungodly hour.

But...

But what? What do you do? You keep talking. You finish this up, you either get some fitful sleep or stay up and think, and tomorrow you settle this disaster out like the man you want to be. I'm tired of watching you walk in circles and sob about how helpless you feel about all this. Come on, kid, if you don't get up and DO something about it then nothing is going to happen no matter how hard you wish, capisce?

All right.

I don't want a bloody 'all right,' I want action.

...I can't do that yet. Not this second.

I didn't ask for right this second. I asked for you to keep that in mind and carry it out the first chance you get. That's it.

I know.

And I know that you know, kid. You're just too bloody afraid to do it half the time.

You do know why, though. We've been over this.

Over what? Which reason? The reason for not standing up for his beliefs, or the reason for not doing half the shit he says he will?

Both.

Yeah, and what about it?

We don't exactly have access to one of those options right now. Actually, judging by the way the past two months have been going, I'm starting to doubt we even have access to the other.

I don't care if there's something in the way. We're going to push right through it. That's what we're doing right now, aren't we? The reason your boy's too afraid to speak up is because he's afraid of hurting the world. Well a bleeding heart can only go so far before it dies from the lack of life, you know, and we're getting pretty bleeding close right about now.

...I know. Just... it's a fragile situation. I can see that, and I know you can too. Just stop being so harsh about it.

Why? You're not afraid to get harsh when something rubs you the wrong way, so why condemn me for it?

Because... it feels like you're blowing them off. Like you're tossing them aside.

Well newsflash to you, greeneyes, I kind of am. That's not what matters here.

It matters to Jewel.

Every freaking thing matters to Jewel, that's the problem here! He can't see straight because he's too frantically focused on every other detail that doesn't matter in the big picture. Kind of relevant to the kid's art grades too, haha.

Hey, that wasn't the reason. I was there.

I'm just joking around, geez. But the point still carries true. We're not focusing on what's important here if we keep tossing around the irrelevant details. I can't speak for the rest of you, but right now the only thing that matters on my watch is whether or not my boy can even freaking function. That's not what's happening right now.

I... I don't know if I'll be able to function back home, either.

Why?

I, well, I don't know...

You're afraid of offending your grandparents. I know this, kid, we've been over it a thousand times.

That's only one factor. The other is-

The other is that accursed college and the job you had to quit because it was giving you trigger bombs every five minutes, yeah. And you think you'll be free of that in any other state? I thought that rejection letter would have opened your eyes.

...

Laurie, come on. He's not in a very stable state right now..

And?

And... I'm scared that if you push him too far, we're going to have a catastrophe on our hands.

Oh, I can handle a meltdown. I've put up with 'em before.

I can't.

Well, learn to handle it.

I'd rather not.

Guys, please, stop fighting. There's no reason to fight.

There bloody well is! I'm not getting off this laptop until we figure out a solid plan of action for the next week.

I thought it involved buying plane tickets and visiting his dad's apartment?

Well, it did. But you see, Jo, Jewel's still none too keen on buying said tickets.

Why not?

My question exactly.

Because they want me to stay.

And you don't want to.

And I've been told that I'm wrong.

And I don't care what you were told.

Guys, please, stop it!

...

If you won't talk to them, I will.

Laurie, please, don't.

Why not? Last time I spoke with Mel, it went down pretty smoothly.

That wasn't like this. This is different.

Can I talk to them, then?

You just want to talk, haha!

Can I though?

Sorry, but no.

Why not? I'm trying to fix this situation too!

Yeah, but you've only been around for a month, tops. I've been around for years. That blue guy over there has seniority over all of us, but he won't dare open his mouth around those two.

Forgive me for trying to be a peacekeeper here.

Hey, stop it with the sarcasm, bud. You're starting to get on my nerves.

That seems to be inevitable.

Please, you two, don't--

Gen, why are you so afraid of fights breaking out in here? Really?

There has to be a better way to do it without all this screaming!

We tried that. It didn't work.

You didn't try anything, Laurie. You've been mad since I came in here.

That was after my plan fell through the freakin' floor.

It still doesn't give you any good reason to be shouting at everyone all the time.

Doesn't it? Well then, Genesis, tell me this. If someone you cared about told Jewel that he was completely lacking in wisdom-- that he didn't know well enough to make his own life decisions-- what would you feel? You'd be pretty hurt, right?

Well, yeah--

Well, my hurt shows itself through shouting. There you go.

...

Gen, don't argue with her. You won't get anywhere.

Hey, don't you start again.

Laurie, please, I just need answers.

And you expect me to hand them to you? Listen, kid, I care about you just as much as the next guy, but if you expect me to get in the line of people you're waiting for instructions from, then you're going to be waiting a heck of a long time for my answer. Why else do you think I dragged Josephina in here? Jo, tell him why you're here.

To keep you from compromising who you are.

Exactly. And what are you doing right now?

Looking for answers...

And who the heck told you that you don't already have the answers?

Mel.

Well shoot. We really are going in circles.

Laurie, maybe we should just call this quits for now?

And give up?

Not give up. Clear our heads. I haven't even been the one shouting and I feel lightheaded.

Huh. Normally I'd jump on that option, but I'm too afraid that 'clearing our heads' is going to result in a certain someone clearing his out-- or putting even more junk in there.

I won't.

You can't guarantee that, boy. I know you.

Then I'll guarantee it.

I thought we were mortal enemies just two minutes ago?

Laurie, give it a break. You know what my responsibility is here, and so help me but I'm going to stand by it.

Your amber-faced friend doesn't seem to happy with how you go about it, though.

Because he and Jewel are the same in that aspect. They don't like unnecessary pain.

Too bad. I happen to specialize in that department.

Laurie...

What? I'm not going to lie about it.

Laurie, you're the liar this time.

Really now? How so?

I can't think of any instances of unnecessary pain from you.

Well, he does.

You're damn right I do.

Heh.

Still... I'm really worn out from this. I think maybe we should close it up, try and get our facts together...

And you promise you won't be a gutless hypocrite and go against everything I just told you?

You also just told me that I can't guarantee anything.

I'm not asking you to guarantee anything, kid. Like I said, I know you. I want a promise.

But isn't that the same as a guarantee?

Not exactly, Jo. You'll learn. This kid is one heck of an anomaly.

I promise, then. The best I can.

Good. Chaos, you watch him for me.

I watch him even when you don't want me to.

Good point. Oh yeah, speaking of... how's Genesis been doing?

What? Me?

You been watching for triggers? Or have you been too scared?

I...

Laurie, DON'T.

Don't what? Don't get him to face his own conscience?

That's not how you go about things. Leave him alone. If anything needs to be dealt with, I'll do it.

Being pretty bloody protective of your sweetheart's BFF, I'd say.

And I'll repeat, I'll be as bloody protective as I need to be.

Suit yourself. If something goes wrong, don't go crying to me.

I won't.

Guys, please. I'm starting to get horribly dizzy.

It's called mental trauma, love. You'll get used to it.

...

Heh, don't you go glaring at me like that.

Please, Laurie.

Fine, fine. But tell me, Jayce. What's next on your agenda?

What?

After you close this up... after you fix up this conversation, what's your next plan of action? Are you going to sleep it off like you always do? Try to escape? Or are you going to face the problem and actually solve it for once? Are you going to go straight to the source and settle this out?

I... I don't...

You're too scared, you dastard. I knew it.

No, no... I have to stop being scared.

That's right you do!

But I don't... I don't think I can manage another draining experience at this hour. I mean, I theoretically could, but then I'd either shut down, melt down, or...

Or lose the steering wheel.

...Yeah. And... and I'm not too comfortable with the idea of letting you at it right now.

How about tomorrow?

Letting you out?

Yeah.

I... we'll see.

Hot dang. I think this might actually work in my favor for once.

Laurie, I swear, if you try anything insane--

Chill out, bro. I've got this.

I'm not joking around.

Neither am I.

Um... I really think we should close up like we said we would. Otherwise we're just going to keep having more arguments...

All right, fine. J, give me your schedule.

For tonight?

For tonight, and the next few days.

I... I don't know that yet...

Don't give me that, boy. We talked about this. The plan is set.

Is it?

What, you're changing your mind now?

No, I just...

Jewel, don't panic.

I'm... okay, okay. I'll try not to.

I'm still waiting for an answer.

...Um... well, I still think I should sleep tonight off, just so I can calm down enough to have a stable conversation...

And then?

...And then we discuss this.

And after that...?

...

Come on kid, we've decided this.

T..tickets.

There you go.

Laurie, I swear, if you didn't mean so much to him I'd punch you a good one right here and now.

And why's that?

You just... your methods. I'm not exactly thrilled with them.

Hey, too bad. They work.

So do mine.

I don't see you acting as his superego, though.

That's because I have a more important position than you do.

Maybe so, but if you don't act on it, you won't do anyone much good.

Laurie, for the love of--

Chaos, please. Stop. I need to sleep.

...

Jewel, are you really okay?

No.

Good, you didn't lie for once! Progress, gentlemen, we're making progress.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

Do I just... what am I doing now?

You're coming with me, that's what, and I'm making sure you understand as much of this situation as you possibly can before tomorrow. You want to talk? Then you're going to need to know what you're talking about.

All right. Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm sorry if I upset you or anything...

No, you're good. Thanks, Jo.

Hey, it's why I'm here. Try and get some sleep, okay? And please watch out for Julie, because...

...I know. I'll watch.

'Kay. Good night, then.

I do believe that's my curtain call. You lunatics can handle this situation well enough without me, I hope?

I daresay we'll handle it better without you here. Now you said you were leaving?

Heh, only for a little while.

...

Jewel, you can't be letting this keep happening.

What?

This-- this letting everyone toss you around like a rag doll. I know you have that martyr complex and all, but geez, this is getting to be too much.

Yeah, I don't like seeing you do this to yourself either.

I... guys, listen. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to be... well, to make sure I can still function, like Laurie said. But...

But you're too afraid of hurting people, I know. I've been on the other side of that situation a few times.

...I'm so sorry.

Don't apologize to me, Jewel. I don't hold any of it against you. I never did. If there's anyone you need to apologize to, it's yourself.

And maybe Laurie.

I don't care what Laurie thinks, Gen.

Chaos, please, she knows what she's talking about... she's just a little rough about it.

A little? Kid, I don't know what you've been up to lately, but as far as I remember, she doesn't exactly play nice when you're alone with her.

I ask her to do it.

That doesn't mean it doesn't upset me.

...Me too..

Yeah, geez, you can't even handle her shouting. Be glad you haven't seen the stuff I have.

...I've seen worse.

...

I think we've all seen worse things than what Laurie can put me through.

Jewel, please--

--And that's why she's so harsh. Chaos, listen, I know you don't exactly get along with her half the time, but she takes my attacks just as badly as you do. It may not seem like it, but we're all in this together, okay?

...All right. Just promise me something.

Hey, I've already made one tonight, a second should be no problem.

...You remember, a few years ago, when I told you...

Told me what?

...Stay who you are. Please.

For me, too, okay?

...Okay. Okay, I will. I promise you both.

Cross your heart.

Already did.

Good.

Heh... Gen, you really know what you're doing..

Course I do. Now we all need to get sleep.

I really doubt I'll be doing much sleeping after this...

Then don't, if you can't. Don't end the day on a painful note like this.

Don't you do that either, alright?

I'll... try not to. It's a bit difficult for me.

Here's an idea, then. Focus on something else. Something that won't be bothered by this situation, that you can hold on to.

Like what?

Like us. Like Genesis and I. We're not going to leave you, no matter what you do.

I should hope not...

Kid, I promised you that ages ago. I will never leave you. Stop worrying so much.

Heh, alright.

Guys I'm really starting to yawn over here and that's bad.

Jewel, I think your muse needs sleep.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Hey, I do! I'm really tired you know. Plus I have to float around all day which makes it worse.

Okay, okay! I swear, I can't be in a bad mood with you two around..

Not entirely, at least.

...No, not entirely.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

What?

Finish that book before you shut down for the night. I've been watching how that's affecting you and I think you might get something you need from it.

You think?

Hey, no coincidences. If this morning is any indication, I'd say they've been lining up pretty well for you today.

Hm. Maybe so. I'll do it, then-- I've been going crazy over how it might end anyway.

I figured you might, considering what it influenced.

...That too.

And you know, it's all about the life divine...

A hero's ending, all the signs.

You're the one, and the one you must survive.

Yeah...

Wrong song, but I think it works.

Hah, if you memorized Milliontown I think I'd be pretty shocked.

And I daresay you know the significance of that one well enough already.

Yeah, I do.

I love you, kid. More than anything.

I know.... I know. I love you too. Always.

Don't forget me!

I could never, darling. Now get to sleep; we're all going to need it.

Darn straight we will. You sign off first, though; I know how you work.

Geez, does everyone know how I work except me??

Well, maybe that's something you should think about, hm?

Huh. I guess it is.

Anyway, we really should've ended this ages ago.

Not really. We always find stuff to do with the extra time.

I thought you said you were falling asleep?

I am. Maybe I'm sleep-talking right now. You never know.

Oh man, don't start that up again...

Yeah, I'd say you've had enough of that for tonight. One more thing, though.

Hm?

The title. Who's it about?

Uh...

You know that's entirely inaccurate.

...

Hey, look at me.

Hm?

Stop putting yourself so low, okay?

I had a good reason to, though...

I can't think of a single reason in the world good enough to put you down, kid, and I don't know how you still can.

I guess...

Now for heaven's sake, close this infernal thing up and get to work. With how early you've been checking in lately, I think your boss is going to think something's up if you disappear all of a sudden.

Knowing him, yeah. And I need the sleep.

Then get some, and don't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Hah, I won't be. That's one thing I can guarantee.

 

 

 

Someone on Tumblr posted a screenshot from Inglourious Basterds, of this blonde woman smirking in a horribly poisonous way... and it hurt so much to see that, I literally broke down in tears.

Apollo is burning up on his left side, and I feel terrible because I don't know how to help him without shutting him off, and I don't want to be selfish but I'm trying very hard to stabilize my mind right now and it's very difficult...

Mel took me aside as soon as they walked in the door tonight and for those 20 seconds I was absolutely terrified of them. If they hadn't let me go when they did, I think my mind would've shorted out into a blind adrenaline rush. I would've attacked them and ran out the door, probably sobbing like a blind man, because there would be nowhere to run.

I am so confused. They keep telling me to 'do what my heart tells me,' but geez, what if something's corrupting that? People justify so much crap by saying 'I just followed my heart!' as a ridiculous excuse for running on a selfish, uneducated whim.
"...But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man 'unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander..."
It's right there in the Bible, kid. You can't justify every thought you have as 'from God' unless you look at it with a clear head, away from your own opinions and misled convictions, to discover whether or not such a conviction is objectively good.
This is why I'm hesitant to follow my 'intuition.' Remember I have some very vicious voices in my head, and they love to put on the most beautiful masks and lead me in the wrong direction. Your head seems to be even more dangerous than mine is; are you sure you're not being misled?
Then again, in reading this, you'll probably pull a Cobb and ask me to take a 'leap of faith...' but you do understand, how do I know if my faith is in the right place? What if that leap takes me into a hell cleverly disguised as a heaven? What if that leap kills me?
We both claim to believe in the same force, and yet we are both being told different things. So who's right? How do we know?

You see why I spend my days in agony.

You want me to be honest?
Well, Mel, I wasn't talking to you earlier. I was terrified of you, and knew I wouldn't be able to cope with a conversation, so I stepped out and left the drivers seat empty, so to speak. So you were pretty much talking to a robot. The good thing, though, was that it wasn't affected by my fears or Laurie's anger or anything, so we just programmed it to speak the truth in the bluntest way possible to avoid any cryptic misunderstanding (which I seem to love doing). I don't remember how the conversation ended, but I'm glad it did, because being in 'idle' for so long was making my body start to shut down, and so the moment you left I pretty much had to force myself conscious.
I don't remember anything from the conversation as a result, except for you asking if I wanted to go back to PA. I assume you also asked why.
I'm not too sure why, and that frustrates me, because I need solid motivations for my actions. Ironically, I had none for coming down here.
I want to go back to my family, to my memories, to my home. I want to go back to where I actually feel relatively safe, where I'm not tied down, where I have a stable base to rebuild my life from. I'll fix the mess I have up there, and then continue on to my future. Taking a detour across the country and making my troubles even deeper isn't helping anyone. Yeah, I'm scared to go back, but it's better than being stuck in an interim where I spend every day wishing I were asleep or at home.

I have a question to ask you, though.
You said I will 'inspire people with my work' down here. Why here? Why is Utah so important? Why can't I reach out to the world from anywhere I want to?
And about work... I don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been exactly 'working' out here, let alone being in a stable enough state to find inspiration. If I do get anything, it's from my computer research or my own self-inspection-- two things I don't need this state to access.

The thing I've been afraid to admit, mostly because I don't fully understand it yet and so admitting it feels wrong... is that I'm deathly afraid of everyone I've met here. Both of your families terrify me, and the more time I spend with the both of you, the more I am afraid of you.
Paradoxically, I think it may be because you still mean something to me, although I don't know what that may be. For some reason I am the most paranoid and frightened around the people who mean the most to me, but who I am still uncomfortable with being around. This turns into a straight-up fear, because I don't know what to expect from you, I don't know who you really are, and as long as there is that uncertainty, I will never feel safe around you.
Plus, the more you probably think you're 'being honest' with me, the worse this becomes. Watching you and Q last night messed me up so badly that I almost had a meltdown. This is why I cannot hold relationships; I project my personality onto others, thinking they'll be 'safe,' but they invariably break my ideals and start setting off triggers left and right. This not only crushes my misplaced faith in you, but it labels you as a threat, and so I've been avoiding you both due to the danger you present.
Plus your anniversary is next week (I think), and I don't even want to think about how that might traumatize me.
You say you love me, but I think it's a shallow sort of love. You don't know me well enough to truly love me, and I'm too scared to show you anything, because in my heart I know we're not compatible at all, so to speak.
I keep using you, and that's not right.

Long story short, I want to get back home to my family... and yet I can't shake this single thought.
"You don't realize how important something is to you until it's gone."
I didn't realize how much my family meant to me until I left-- and it went both ways. In 20 years, I have NEVER seen my grandfather cry, and guess what he was doing the minute I told him goodbye? Now tell me how I'm supposed to stay out here, in an unfamiliar, alien place, when every phone call and email carries a broken voice begging for me to return?
I've never cried from being earthly homesick until I set foot in this state earlier this month. I can't ignore that.
And yet, when I left here the first time, I did miss it. That made me think.
Is this 'missing things' simply a guilt reaction? I mean, geez, when I think about it, I feel this for everything. I can be in a place for five minutes, and if it means the slightest thing to me-- even in a silly way like the lighting or the thoughts I had while I was there-- I will miss it when I'm gone.
It's why I was panicking when I first realized Q had 'abandoned me' for you. It wasn't because I was afraid of a 'breakup' or something stupid like that... no, it was because I was afraid I had screwed up, and because it meant I was losing yet another positive thing I had gained. I never understood him, and so I treated him like an object, like a twisted trophy of my wrongdoing, even then. It makes me sick.
I never loved him in the way he thought I did. I think you should think about that too. I'm not like you. I'm not like either of you, and as long as you are repeating my mistake of projecting your own personality and ideals and thoughts onto me, then you are going to be disappointed. You're going to be heartbroken, just like I am.

I'm still getting used to sticking up for my own beliefs and truths, especially because I am still terrified that I am wrong, because I simply don't have the means to 'research' my own thoughts and see if they're objectively correct. It's impossible. Society is corrupt and it's nothing to compare against... but even when I'm sure that I've made the righteous decision, even when I've put countless hours of thoughts and research and introspection behind my decisions, the slightest shoot-down from a stranger can make me panic and second-guess myself.
The Bible warns about that. It warns of those who will try to undermine you. I never realized that was happening until now, though... I just thought I was the one in the wrong. I thought I was the devil, the manipulator, the lost one. I still hope to God I'm not.
But... I still wear masks, I've become so used to acting by now that I should win a freaking Oscar on reputation alone, and I've never been more of a liar than I am now.
The most honest I've ever been with you was behind those glassy eyes in the kitchen earlier tonight, and I wasn't even the one speaking to you.

And yet, I'm still a diehard wannabe good guy. I want to fix this situation, if only for the sadly selfish reason of clearing my record and making myself a 'positive figure' again. I couldn't bear knowing that I have been a dark shadow in the lives of you both, that I was nothing but a cause of pain and regret and self-loathing. Ironically, every time I try to stay true to myself, that happens. Am I such a negative force in the world that I cannot have a single positive connection? Or is the world so negative that it cannot function with me in it? And why does it feel so utterly narcissistic to consider either option?

You're going to ask me to pray for answers, I know it.
Guess what? I have. And every time I ask "what do I do," I am told "the right thing."
But what is the right thing, I ask? "You'll figure it out."
Well gee, that wouldn't be so hard if my mind didn't snap into utilitarian principles every time that came up. Staying here will help Mel and Q, and will also fulfill their weird 'need' for me to be in this state, but it will destroy my family and so far it's been killing me (and although I really shouldn't care about me, the fact that I cannot function to help others in this state is making me panic). However, leaving will assumedly have a huge negative effect on them both, but it will bring me back to my family and will give me the means I need to get back on my own two feet.
So which is 'right?' I have trust that I will find the right way eventually, but you know what they say... "pray to reach solid ground, but keep rowing." God helps those who help themselves, and I'm not too sure what that means. How do I help myself? And why do I have such a vehement drive to not care about myself?
Is there even a 'right' decision to make here, or is everything chance? Do I just need to gamble, to take that 'leap of faith' that will potentially haunt me for the rest of my life?

I am so ridiculously lost right now. I'm going to go back to sleep and hope I'll find some answers there in the meantime.







You either live it up or don't live it down
Keep your head in the clouds or ear to the ground
You're either lost in the narrows or being found
You either pay with your life or pay by the pound

There's no time, there's no time for someone to save you
There's no time, there's no time
All the world ain't waiting for you to finally come around

You either live it up or don't let it go
You're either in with the in or out of the norm

There's no time, there's no time, there's no time for someone to save you
There's no time there's no time, all the world ain't waiting for
There's no time there's no time for something to make you
Make you finally come around

What a life, oh what a lie
To live in fear on borrowed time
And thats what happens in between,
The planning and the schemes

You either live it up and you don't live it down
You either live it up and you don't live it down
So don't go giving up, let it bring you down
Oh, let it bring you down
When the cracks split in the road
Are all you've seen...

 

That's what I'm the most afraid of, and now it's absolutely inevitable.
What a jerk, right? Here I am, working myself to the bone in a desperate attempt to escape all that pain, all those black roads, and yet one single lie-- the little white lie that veiled a monstrous leviathan-- is oh so secretly dragging me back into every single freaking one.

I messed up. I said I was sick... and that wasn't a lie.
I feel horribly, catastrophically sick, but I'm unfortunately good at hiding things. I'm unfortunately good at getting distracted by things that don't matter, so when they try to bring their fleeting happiness or incomprehensible joys into the picture, I don't rebel like I should-- oh no, of course not, that would be being honest-- instead I lie. I lie and I throw everything important into the back room and blindly step into whatever sort of mindset they've programmed for me this time.
And I feel so much sicker now that I'm writing this. Isn't that perfectly horrible?
I did this to Q back in 2008... you'd think I would learn. But no. Now I have to drag his girlfriend in too, now I have to lie to them both, because I'm still so freaking terrified that being honest with them will cause some sort of traumatic meltdown.
You know what's the ridiculous part, though? I'm not even afraid of them rejecting me, not deep down. The fear of rejection, of 'messing up,' of doing something that some other arbitrary individual doesn't approve of, that's already near-instinct thanks to how I was brought up. But the consequences? No. I find myself pushing them away now; I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not. Unfortunately this seems to do the opposite.
I spent quite some time wondering why I picked up such behavior, when I realized it was just looping. I'm simply re-enacting two years ago. It's sick. What a jerk. What an absolute blackhearted bastard.
This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them. Maybe Xilats was right.
But... this is different. I'm not looking for pain and torture; no, I'm looking to be let go of... because I feel stuck. I feel like I belong somewhere else, and here I just feel like a puppet on strings.
So I ignore them. I give them a cold facade. I've invented an entire set of reactions that aren't me, and regardless of how dreadfully ill it makes me, I still pull out that role whenever it's time to test their patience. You ready to let go of me now? No... are you ready to set me free?
It hurts to be around them now, and yet, if I lost them, I'd be more alone than I've ever been in my life.

I have no idea what's going on.
Every time the phone rings, I snap back to reality. I miss my family. I wish I could see their faces again, even if that's all I can handle... even if I can't physically bear to spend my days fading in an interim, imprisoned within those walls, I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away. I miss my brothers so much... but I don't feel safe in that house.
And yet, ironically, I don't feel safe here either. I'm frightened here. I'm... I'm really scared. But there's nowhere else to go.
I told Mel I was sick... and I am. I'm physically sick, I feel like vomiting every freaking minute of the day, I can't sleep, I can't see straight, my whole body hurts. But that's not what bothers me!
The truth is, I'm homesick.
How ridiculously ironic. 'Home'sick. Where the heck is home, huh? Dan Nigro says it's where you're happy... but then he adds that it's also where you're free. Free to be who you were born to be.
Well geez, Dan, if you know where such a place is, then please inform me. Take me there. Or is it just the music? What a thought. What a beautifully, painfully ironic thought.

That's another thing.
I keep checking Tumblr, looking for inspiration... but there are so many people on there with... how do you say? Shallow minds? I don't know.
I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose? I'm not reading 'too far' into anything; I'm simply seeing the truth that you all tend to skim over.
It makes me ill, and it scares me to death. These people are all over the world! They're out there, just waiting to meet me, so they can screw around with my perceptions and understandings. They try to sneak their soapdust words into my bleeding ears; their carefree ways slipping from their oily tongues. Waiting for me to slip on the filmy abominations their footsteps drag behind them.
I am so scared of people.
That's the real reason I won't finish this letter to the University. God knows how desperately I want to go back to school-- it hurts so much not to be making progress-- but for the love of sanity, remember what happened the last time? I can't deal with people. It's so horribly, sickeningly sad.
And yet there's so much freaking hope. Dear God, I don't know whether to laugh or cry about all this anymore. I can't hold a job, I can't deal with school; heck, I can't even deal with the two people in this room, who both insist they love me. And yet I still have this stupidly indomitable hope, even if it ironically goes against all of that. I don't understand a thing.

"I guess that this cruel world ain't got no place for me. We're all stuck in the middle, we're throwing our cash at books of cliches. They say the cost is little; it might work, but not for me... 'cause my soul is not for sale."
Those lines, from "In Case of Rapture," have been haunting me lately. It's so true to me.
And now I feel like a total moron for referencing relevant lyrics. What is wrong with me? Can't I voice my own opinions without feeling selfish or guilty or stupid or irredeemably wrong?
I'm torn between being me and fitting some mold I can't even see. It's horrific. Honestly, I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense.
Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year.

Or maybe I will. Just barely.
See, I know what makes me happy. Three things... my children, my music, and my memories. All internal. You can't-- heck, you won't take them away from me.
I can sit here for hours, silent, with only my headphones on, watching thoughts play out like movie reels and beautiful worlds blossoming to life behind my eyelids. That's all I need... it's all I'll ever need... it's all I've ever wanted. God, it's what I live for.
It's the only reason I haven't left here, as awful as that sounds. I just... seeing people actually care about something so vital to my heart is just... it's life-affirming. And even that sounds empty, an understatement.
But am I using them? I can't realistically expect people to focus on my purpose 24/7... and yet it's the only thing that matters to me, so I look for it regardless.
As a child I didn't have to worry about that; no one else ever bothered with me. My life didn't matter to them, so if I wanted to sit for hours on end and just type or draw or work at the piano, they could care less. And I loved that. I was too naïve to realize that such a lack of interest or care was damaging... and I was too happy to be affected. I remember sitting on the red couch around 2002, all day, with my purple boom box tuned into whatever radio station was playing cool stuff at the moment... just sitting there with a tiny journal tablet and drawing comics in it. I was so freaking happy it breaks my heart to think about it.
And I'll never forget that one day in 6th grade... it was in the fall, because the class was making popcorn balls, but I was drawing a battle scene between Crystal and Dakeep so I couldn't be bothered... but my teacher told me to stop drawing, because there were other things that needed to be done, and judging by his tone of voice, he was sick of my having a pencil in my hand and my nose to a sheet of paper all day. You have no idea how much that stung. First of all, that artwork was very important to me, and second of all, there wasn't anything better to do than my own personal work. Being treated like I was just some kid who liked to doodle hurt more than you know. I wasn't just the 'artistic outcast' everyone labeled me as; I was a channeler, a dreamer, a believer, and I wasn't ever going to give up on what I had been blessed with. I still won't, and never will.
So... I look for recognition, for admiration and respect, for love... for them. No, I don't want it. I want all that positivity to go to my mental children, as they are the only ones who deserve it.
Hearing Xilats and Q becoming so vehemently caught up in those Worlds, in those individuals I hold so close to my heart, is more than I have ever dreamed of. I mean, sure, I have always dreamed of 'making my mark' on the world and my work becoming known by millions... but it was always just a hope. Just a hope that one day I would be able to inspire so many, that I would be able to brighten their lives. That I could make a difference in my own real, unique, lasting way.
Seeing it actually happen...it brings tears to my eyes. It's beyond my ability to express.

But if I continue to lie about what's truly important, I won't be able to have that joy anymore.
So what do I do?
Do I tell them the fragmented truth, the miserably mangled confession that even I don't understand, and risk being absolutely ostracized again? Do I risk being thrown back into the unflinching emptiness of my 'family life,' which I still desperately wish to return to, if only to see their faces?
I can't lie anymore... but I don't know what the truth is, and they always understand it wrong. They always miss the depth, or project their own fears, or assume complete untruths, and when they accept their own misgivings as my personal reality, I'm too drained and sorrowfully exhausted to do anything but just give in and lie again. It's terrible... I don't even know why I do it.

...I don't even know where they are right now. I don't know if I should be happy or sad because of that. It just hurts because I'm afraid I've done something horribly wrong, that they don't consider me an individual worthy of spending time around. But that's just incredibly selfish. If only they'd let me know what their motives were for once, maybe I wouldn't be so confused. I don't know.
It's only 9:30PM and I wish I were somewhere real, somewhere safe...
God, help me reach my heaven one day, because I think that's the only solace I'm ever gonna get.







Home is where you are happy
It's not where you're not free
Home is where you can be who you are
Who you're born to be

And they'll show you their castles and diamonds forth to see
But they'll never show you peace of mind
Cause they don't know how to be free
So burn all your bridges
Leave your old life behind
You can do what you want to do
Because you're strong in your mind

And anywhere you might wander
You can make that your home
Cause when you have love in your heart
You'll never be alone
Yes, as long as you have love in your heart
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone
You'll never be alone

 

 

 

 

So hey guys. Jayce here.
Yeah, I'm sticking with the name. Don't diss me; I'm more than a little sick of making my own choices only to have them overthrown by someone with an entirely different and irrelevant reference point. I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits.
I've never been this happy with myself before. Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile.
So I've made up my mind. I'm going through with the FTM surgery and hopefully getting nullified shortly afterwards. God only knows when I'll get the means to do so (hopefully soon), but at least it's mentally decided. That's a huge load off my back, which as you all know is bad enough the way it is!

As for the title, well, let's start this past Saturday morning. As you assumedly know, I spent the vast entirety of June in Utah with Q and Mel, and returned on July 9th to stay here for about... I dunno, three weeks? Anyway, leaving my home so suddenly in June really disoriented me. I spent June in a sort of 'interim,' virtually unable to communicate with my family back in PA because my sense of reality had shifted horribly off-scale. I kind of 'ghosted' for the four weeks until my return, upon which I was faced with several huge dilemmas. I've spoken about the moral/personal ones in glissando, but the other one focused solely around my future. While I have indeed touched upon that point in the past as well, it was the immediate choices I was now being forced to make that burnt me out.
Let me clarify. Staying at home was a problem because my school and work lives had been pretty much shot, my space at home was very limited and I was desperately looking for a new road to walk. However, heading back out to Utah to hopefully find said road was also a huge problem for several massive reasons... I didn't have a school or work life at all there, let alone family or a roof over my head. I was basically jumping blindfolded into a canyon and hoping that I wouldn't black out upon hitting the water... that is, if the water wasn't just a hallucination at this point. Still, I figured it was worth a shot, so I bit my tongue and hopped a plane to Chicago on the 31st, where I would meet the cat and the otter. Well... that's when things started to go downhill again, and it frightened me.
See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me. That's what it apparently did with the four weeks I spend in Utah prior. I had remembered it as a positive experience until I stepped off the plane and was thrown back into the unsettling realization that I just didn't fit. It really took hold when Q and Mel decided to take me walking randomly through Chicago for some undisclosed reason.
Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules. If you're going to wander off somewhere with no real plan, no real destination and no time/travel estimate, do NOT take me with you because I will flip out. Fun fact #2: beaches, carnivals and large public gatherings trigger massive panic attacks in me. Fun fact #3: Guess what happened in Chicago?
Yep, not only did they basically just wander about without telling me what the heck we were doing (bad enough I only had about $50 in my pocket, no keys, and no awareness of the surrounding area), but when they decided they were going to settle on a destination, it was a freaking park on the beach. What. So yeah, I panicked. Heck, as soon as I saw the buildings start to die down I was worried-- once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped.
But let's fast-forward. Since I had such a breakdown we couldn't logically stay, so thankfully about 20 minutes in we decided to catch a bus back out to near where we were staying. The rest of the night was relatively okay from what I remember, as nothing happened, but honestly it's a useless memory to me and I'd rather not think upon it.
I dreamt about my left knee exploding in blood.
Understandably, I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day, but that evening and the entirety of our Monday were pretty much just wasted away with random hanging out in Wisconsin farmland. Sure, the fields were flipping gorgeous, but when they're full of cows and I can't run through them, they lose some of their magic, y'know?
Plus all I could think of was Dori. We were only about 3 hours driving time away from her, and it was all I could think of.
I'm so confused. I still care for her deeply, unconditionally, but I don't know what I feel for anyone anymore. It hurts more than I can possibly say.
Oh-- there was actually one other thing. We visited a model train layout. I know, I know, I'm not a fan of such things, but I never really understood why until I visited that one in the rather painful mood I was in. Of course, there's the issue of spending such extravagant amounts of money on bits of electronic metal and foam, but the real killer is why they do it... or at least my perception of why.
They create an entire fantasy world. That's it. Those huge setups, with their random plastic houses and people eternally 'living' the same moments as toy trains whiz aimlessly by... they're just fantasy worlds. Useless ones. What good is that doing for anyone? Sure, it'll entertain some random passerby for a few minutes as they wander by, but it ultimately achieves no greater good.
It just bugs me to no end when people create things with no 'real' purpose to them. Yeah, I know some people do it for a hobby, but why? I just don't get it. Oh well.
Back on topic.
We woke up at 6AM on Tuesday, and drove to Dubuque Iowa to catch a bus.

All right, this experience was so stressful it needs a paragraph break. Here we go.
So we wait at the terminal from 9AM to 12PM, and in the meantime I get a phone call from my dad saying that the U had rejected my application because my GPA was below 2.0. Well, my jaw hit the floor. There was no way in heaven it could be that low-- so I called my home campus. Well, you remember the winter semester of 2009 when I had those repeated mental breakdowns and had to drop out of classes? Apparently that still counted towards my academic record, and so now I'm screwed! The only thing I can do now is speak to the U's offices in person and see if they can make an exception for me, considering my psychological issues... but we'll get back to that point later. Needless to say, that news upset me horribly, and so I was in a pretty agonized mood until about 5PM, when we got off at a connecting terminal in Des Moines, Idaho.
That's where our title comes from. We basically hung out there for the next 6 hours, as I fixed my iPod's library (his name is Razia btw) and read The First Horseman until our bus to Denver showed up around 11PM. Unfortunately, the bus terminal announced it as Omaha instead, and so we weren't aware it was even ours until we went out to confusedly double-check-- and were told that yeah, it WAS our bus, but there was no seating left. So we and a small crowd of fellow passengers were left at the terminal waiting for a replacement bus that wasn't even guaranteed to show up.
Then the terminal decided to close.
Yes, you heard me. Our bus group, as well as a bunch of people waiting for a 1AM pickup, were thrown out on the curb around 12AM and told to wait there as the workers assumedly went home. This wouldn't have been a huge problem if we had been guaranteed a bus arrival, if it hadn't been 12AM, AND if it hadn't been thunderstorming-- with a tornado warning, no less.
You guessed it: panic attack! I got to the point where I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't breathe correctly, all the while getting soaked and wishing I were back in PA, where I at least had a home to go to.
That's when I was forced to really look at my situation.
There I was: a phantom Sandman, shaking like a madman in a plastic chair on a Des Moines sidewalk, buffeted by moths, rain and wind, and completely unaware of where the next bus would be taking me. Not a very pretty situation. I immediately asked myself why the heck I was even on a cruddy sidewalk in Idaho, and the only answer I had was "because I'm supposed to go to Utah."
That sentence sounded so incredibly stupid at 1AM I wanted to cry. So I was basically ostracizing myself because I was supposed to? Says who?
Then I looked to my right to see a boy in red and a girl in black, and my head slumped down onto my chest. Oh.
See, my problem is my devotion, as undetectable as it is. I'm incredibly devoted to my family, but I still care about these two kids... so being forced to choose is more than I can handle.
The only major warning sign is that said kids insist that I "must" stay here in Utah. No exceptions.

I'm currently sitting in Q's living room, 8:23PM, listening to Eminem, wondering where I'm going to sleep, and feeling more lonely than I have ever been in my life.

I really don't care whether or not I'm "supposed" to be here anymore.
The truth is, I'm being used as a crutch here. I'm not sure how, as I don't understand their motives, but I can feel it. No matter what they tell me, I still feel like a third wheel and I keep looking out the window and wishing I were on the planes that fly overhead.
I don't know how much longer my grandparents will live. My brothers are growing up without me. My past is fading away. Yeah, I want to live a meaningful future, but geez-- if I'm stuck here in this mountain state holding up two lovebirds who apparently can't function without romance, then I'm not going to have one anyway.
I really, really want to go back home. I want to see my family again. I just... I guess I took them for granted. It wasn't until I was dragged out here that I realized how much they mean to me, even if I don't spend much time at the house, even if I don't feel safe within the walls. It's still my freaking home. It's still my family out there.
When I walked out the door on Saturday, I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in the 20 years I've been on this earth. That hurt more than you know.

When I go back to PA, I'm going to land a job at Borders, spend a huge amount of time working on my personal projects, and do everything humanly possible to fix my academic record and get back into the educational system. I want to make progress. Heck, I want to make MUSIC. I want to reach out and change peoples lives, and I want to have a life ahead of me... I'm sick and tired of sitting on buses and couches waiting to be given the next orders from my charge.

Still, I feel so horribly selfish, and that's what makes everything so difficult here.
Leaving Q and Mel will be 'betraying' them, as they do insist I stay no matter what. However, staying here will be leaving my family behind, who misses me terribly and who frankly needs me around.
I feel like a really confused guardian angel right now. The kids across the room apparently need me to watch over them, but... I don't know. It doesn't feel right at all.
God, what do I do, huh?
I'll try to stay here for at least a week... maybe two... see what I can do. I just feel so lonely and torn up right now.

Oh well. This too shall pass, I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time.
I just need to take a deep breath, check my head and heart, and step onto the next road.
Hesitation isn't doing me any good. Life is full of chances and choices, and unless I find the guts to stand up for my personal Light, I'm going to die here.
I refuse to just fade away. I refuse to just rot here. I refuse to compromise anymore.
Time to set this in motion.





Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fckin black cloud
still follows me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These muh'fckers are doing jumpin jacks now!

I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now!