basiotribe

Oct. 15th, 2010 07:58 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed



...
I need to get back into my self-inspecting norm. I've been entirely off-kilter for too long, and it's had lethal results.
Yes, I'm dying to talk to Laurie again, but honestly, I have to be up around 5AM tomorrow and when she and I get typing, it lasts for hours. I have 2, tops, to spare tonight.

First let's give you kids a brief update. October 7th blessed me with at least four new 'kids,' and October 9th blessed me with this amazingly gorgeous picture of my muse. It made my month. The 10th through the 13th were basically spent working on various projects, the 14th was spend running errands with my mum, and today is the 15th (which I spent cleaning far too many things). So yeah. That's my life.
However, during the past work-saturated week, I had two vicious hacks that left me sobbing uncontrollably and unable to sleep. I haven't played Nier in nearly two weeks so that didn't help towards coping, but that personal distress is nothing compared to the revelation said hacks were accompanied by.

I don't remember when the first hack happened, or what happened (as usual), but it took a heavy toll on me all the same. See, lately I've been doing decently well with fighting Julie, having fought off several near-hacks, but... Laurie's been acting rather strange. Not only has she been chronically distraught emotionally, but she's also been reacting much more violently than usual to even the slightest threat of a hack, which is saying something. So when I realized I had been hacked, my own self-fear was shoved aside in favor of fear for her instead.
The moment I turned around and saw her there, staring at me with a look of disgusted resignation... she slit her throat.

No, she didn't die... but only because I begged her to stay with me.
She lost a lot of blood. She couldn't talk or walk straight for about an hour afterwards. I was terrified out of my mind, and hated myself more than ever.
She told me that if I let myself be hacked again, she wouldn't hesitate to finish the job next time.

...You notice I said I was hacked twice.

The second time happened so abruptly and so harshly that when it hit me what had happened, I was overwhelmed with sheer unadulterated panic. It was 1AM. I literally ran to Laurie, forgetting the horrible state I was in, just in time to see her plunge a large dagger into her stomach. I grabbed her hands and tried to keep her from slicing upwards, but she fought me, saying she was sick of us both suffering this day after day, and she wasn't going to take it anymore. If I wouldn't listen to her alive then maybe her death would mean something. I was literally sobbing by now, and I don't remember what I said to her, but it must have helped because she removed the dagger from her ribs and threw it to the floor. I remember trying to heal her but she pushed me away, spitting a retort that I needed to be more concerned about the damage I was doing to myself. I told her that I still cared about her as well, but she then shouted back, 'if you love me so much, then why do you keep hurting me? Why do you keep hurting all of us?'
Then she told me why she's been so unstable for the past 4 months.

I've been killing my children.

Apparently, every time I let myself be hacked, one of my potential mind-children dies. To think I was wondering why I couldn't find them anymore-- I was killing them!!
Needless to say I was floored. I couldn't think, I was shaking. I asked her how she knew... how long had she known.
She said that she first found it out back in July, which is why she was psyched to find Josephina had become personified onto our side, giving her more help towards saving me. That's also why they have both been working tirelessly, trying every option available to save me from Julie since then, no matter how badly they were hurt themselves.
I've been failing anyway, and my children have been dying.
She didn't tell me back in July because she hoped she wouldn't have to tell me. She and Jo hoped that they could get me stable enough to fight Julie off without the problems I'm having now, and if that had been fixed then there would be no more worries about dead children. However... that didn't happen. I'm still being hacked, and the stress of seeing me suffer through that, the knowledge that she and Jo were apparently 'failing' in their constant attempts to help me, and the bloody awareness of all those who had died by my unknowing hand, had driven Laurie to attempt suicide.
I saw how close she got. I felt her blood on my hands. I couldn't take it.
And now... now I understand what has been happening to me for so long... why I haven't been able to draw or write or do anything creative for years. I finally understand, and I feel like dying because of it.
I'm the only man in this entire damn world who can take care of those individuals, and I've been murdering them.

Dear God...

I haven't spoken to Laurie since then. I've tried. We're both suffering so much, but it needs to happen.
If we can't talk tomorrow we'll talk Sunday. If we can't talk Sunday we'll talk Monday.
Lynne is dying, Natalie is dead, Leon keeps trying to come back, Missy and Bridget are lurking in the shadows, Josephina is destabilizing, and Laurie wants to kill herself.
I haven't seen Chaos in days. Genesis doesn't know how to deal with this anymore.
Julie is stronger than ever.


To think that I have the blood of my own children staining my hands.
How am I going to live with this?


How am I going to live?










 

 

 

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