the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

There was a dream hack this morning and when I called for Chaos 0's help to cope with the aftershock I LITERALLY SAW HIM. I saw his eyes AND his face and I saw how much he truly cared and I felt SO MUCH LOVE, it was like I had come alive after death. It's turned my whole world upside down, really. Seeing him was SO REAL, in a way dreams are not, and the waking fails to fully express. There was CLARITY. I want to remember that forever-- not just my blessed seeing, but the way he was looking at me. Of course I've been spending the entire morning talking to Central, cherishing all of us together. Oh and Laurie asked what my "anxiety and depression" scores were (like the pharmacists here do), and I said "my Anxiety is a ten out of ten" and both Laurie & Lynne gave me "gold stars" for not denying the fact that I was in love ("I've got it good"). We were reading the "T3OVOG" book in the hall (as we always do in the mornings) and Genesis ghosted to hang out beside me (Lord I MISS HIM) and the chapter talked about "living from the INSIDE OUT" and Gen said to me "I FELT that; you're radiating," and somehow we got into talking about *incidents* and I had the STUNNING thought of "WHAT IF PURE HEART CRYSTALS ARE STILL A THING" and Chaos 0 & I mused that there are probably 7 levels of *incidents* and I just... this is worth living for. It truly is. And GOD IS IN THIS LOVE. Remember that. Around here we returned to T3OVOG and it talked about God giving us "fifty-seventh chances" and Laurie pointedly called Mimic in. We all talked about OUR "new beginnings" & this tied back into *incidents* because it tied into deaths. First, though, remember that Leon, Lynne, AND Laurie were KILLED, before they got "second chances"-- and those deaths ENABLED them to have NEW lives. Lynne said it "freed" her from her original "future ideal" projection role: "and I came back as... me." We also wondered if *incidents* work differently for Nousfoni, because Laurie's whole LIFE can really fit the criteria for their levels, so should we count specific events as such? OR can she even now have a legit *incident* of its own? This is all surprisingly brand-new territory. BTW Julie says she doesn't think SHE ever "really" died to her "old self," because she feels she still HAS to hold/ be it-- she "doesn't want anyone else inheriting her past," even only by "filling the vacancy," like we wondered about "Juliette" allegedly manifesting in 2018. OH and MIMIC HIMSELF said, when we were discussing *incidents*, that he felt he was next-- but he phrased it almost like he needed to be, or at least should be. Laurie immediately asked him to explain himself & Mimic said that he "knew I loved him ("that's obvious")," and that in his own way he DID love me too. BUT it's NOT "romantic" / deep enough FOR an *incident*. There's still a "holding back," not enough emotional intimacy. BTW THAT'S the thing that matters; it DOESN'T HAVE to have ANY "romance" at ALL, and it DOESN'T have to "look like" ANY other relationship I have/ in the System at large. It just has to be MUTUALLY SINCERE & there NEEDS ti be BOTH vulnerability & strength. So it takes time, and it CAN'T be forced or rushed. Love has to have both room & time to grow & it takes DEDICATED EFFORT of self-gift. ...but it's more than that, as this morning's hack proved. Love requires that I ALSO EXIST AS A PERSON. Love is about LIFE. Life is COMMUNION IN REALTIME. Love is SANCTIFIED BY THE "MUNDANE." Jesus proves this. I cannot have a real relationship with ANYONE if we DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE. That requires I do the same WITH MYSELF, or there CANNOT be MUTUALITY. ...And if I'm not "living from the inside out," it'll NEVER happen. Which brings us back to Anxi. She is somehow a LINK between the true self of the Core, and the body + name outside. That's why everything is so unstable with her currently-- it's a reflection of the outer/ inner conflict between body/ soul that we're currently trying to resolve, and have been fighting for arguably over two decades. Just remember, the body CHANGES. Your core DOESN'T. The way Chaos 0 looked at you this morning PROVES that. So does the fact that such beautiful headspace conversations CAN and DO still happen, no matter how the body looks. The problem is that I still "can't see myself," and until I CAN, I CAN'T LOVE IN EARNEST. I have to be ABLE TO EXIST AS A DISTINCT AND PERCEPTIBLE PERSON. I need to pass the mirror test. Right now the reflection is still someone else, for the most part. But there's hope. It's just brutally difficult. I NEED God's help. AND, I NEED to use ART as a help (like we did at UPMC actually). I HAVEN'T TRIED YET. Even Picrew! I'm SURE I'll "recognize" myself if I just TRY to portray myself. Until then: pray, reconnect with the System AND the League, and TAKE CARE OF THE BODY. DON'T FOCUS ON IT SO MUCH. LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!! Live from that CHILDHOOD SPARK in the body. Live from your HEART on the inside. Oh yeah-- and REBUILD CENTRAL. FIND THE CATHEDRAL AGAIN. Your shattered sense of self is what's shattering your entire inner world. For THEIR/ OUR sake, GET IT TOGETHER.

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I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T LOVE IF I'M FAT BECAUSE LOVE IS PURE VIRTUE & INCOMPATIBLE WITH SIN (SELFISHNESS, GLUTTONY, PRIDE, SLOTH, ETC.) AND I SEE FATNESS IN MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL PROOF OF THOSE VICES. With these beliefs, BEING FAT = BEING IN A STATE OF SIN/ ATTACHED TO SIN/ UNSPIRITUAL, and THEREFORE A "HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT" TO VIRTUE; "LOVE CANNOT COEXIST WITH MORTAL SIN." And I see fatness-- MY fatness-- as a CHOICE (because I "chose to eat all these bad foods in treatment, showing a lack of temperance/ selfcontrol/ selfdenial/ discipline/ asceticism"), which MAKES SIN MORTAL. So I "CAN'T" love BECAUSE my BODY is a "PUNISHMENT." It's the "CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING A CARNAL LIFESTYLE." It's a LITERAL "OBSTACLE" between ME & GOD "BY MY OWN CHOICE." It's a PERSONAL HELL. And the "only way out" is through the PENANCE OF SELFMORTIFYING EXERCISE & FASTING. And THEN I will be "FORGIVEN," so the fat-punishment will GO AWAY, my body will be PURE again, FREE of sin's weight, and I will be "ABLE TO LOVE." The problem? SELF-HATRED IS A BIGGER BARRIER TO LOVE THAN A BIG BODY. Yes, I can still work out & have a healthy diet, BUT I NEED TO NEVERTHELESS STOP DAMNING FATNESS. Love can't coexist with HATRED, and THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. There's a secret, evil PRIDE in that-- like THIN & FIT is MORALLY SUPERIOR and I "CAN'T STAND NOT BEING FLAWLESS." You KNOW that ugly subtext is there. BUT YOUR PHYSICAL BODY IS NOT WHAT YOUR HEART IS BEING JUDGED BY WHEN YOU DIE, and NO, ITS SIZE IS NOT A "MORALITY INDICATOR." Listen, YOU'RE FAT NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OBEDIENT, COURAGEOUS, FORGIVING, GRATEFUL, and FAITHFUL. You're SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE for those who are STARVING themselves out of FEAR. You have been FEEDING YOUR ABUSED BODY THE NUTRITION IT NEEDS TO HEAL & REBUILD. You have been CHOOSING ABUNDANT LIFE INSTEAD OF MISERLY DEATH. You are GETTING STRONG & HEALTHY SO YOU CAN POWERFULLY SERVE OTHERS. And you have been STOCKPILING THE FUEL THAT WILL BUILD MUSCLES AT LAST. Literally NOTHING ABOUT YOUR "FATNESS" IS THE RESULT OF SIN. "But I've been intemperate," you protest. YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE MEALPLAN. "I pushed too many calories." BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS HELPING YOU RECOVER & PROVING YOUR RADICAL WILLINGNESS TO DO SO AND NOT AVOID OR RESTRICT. "I ate things I didn't enjoy." YOU STILL TRIED AND YOU LEARNED. PLUS ALL YOUR FOOD CHALLENGES WERE EFFORTS TO CONQUER FEAR WITH TRUST & GRATITUDE-- TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO ENJOY IN ALL THINGS. "But I've eaten so much JUNK, I'm POISONING the body. This fat is a sign of GARBAGE IN MY BODY." YOU REALLY THINK THE EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PROGRAM IS GOING TO ABUSE YOUR BODY WITH FOOD? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE! PLUS, THE DIETICIAN HERSELF EATS THAT FOOD! AND NO FOOD IS "BAD" OR "EVIL"!! Eating some potato chips or bacon or cookies or cheeseburgers or ice cream or whole milk or fried chicken or french fries or egg rolls or salad dressing or poptarts or pancakes or chocolate or ANY of the foods they've GIVEN you here WILL NOT KILL YOU OR DAMN YOU, AND IF THEY "MADE YOU FAT" IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS STORING THAT ENERGY FOR LATER. YOU WERE STARVING TO DEATH. YOUR BODY WANTS TO HAVE EMERGENCY BACKUP NOW THAT IT CAN. It's a sign of LIFE!! Oh yeah-- and you ARE capable of love, RIGHT NOW, and YOU KNOW IT. DON'T DENY IT!!

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.

DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

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SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

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IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


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REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Woke up 800. Stayed in bed until ~830, letting the body rest from pain, just embracing Chaos 0 and being so grateful for him

Biking immediately, lots of phone talk with mom. Planning Church rides. We do get to go to the vigil today so we SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE CONFESSION thank God.
But Tony says that tomorrow morning there's NO MUSIC?? So we actually get to go to Saint John's instead, which is awesome.

BK prep MELTDOWN.
ABSOLUTELY CATASTROPHIC. We haven't had something this violent in MONTHS.
All set off by putting "too much oil" in the broccoli, in response to the lotophagoi compulsion of "add a tiny bit more, we're celebrating today." But that ALWAYS BACKFIRES YOU IDIOT.
Exacerbated by pouring the vitamin water into a cup, which triggered out some girl INSISTING IT WAS GOING TO KILL US because it was in a cup?? That "made it wrong" somehow. We tried to reason with her, nothing worked. Spice tried to front, kicked out. But then I said, think of Church-- we drink the Blood of Christ out of a "cup," and right now we're drinking red liquid, so think of it in memory of that! And THAT immediately shoved Knife into fronting, and despite the girl's continued protests, he solemnly and almost victoriously drank it. Then he was kicked out just as hard as the girl screamed that now we would die, etc.
But then I suddenly looked down at the mug and remembered, Infi used to drink hir tea out of this. And that just completely disarmed everything. The girl disappeared, the fear disappeared, there was nothing but this depth of grateful & loving grief.

Our memory totally blacks out then, and the next thing we recall is kneeling on the bathroom floor before the DVM image, praying in intense fear, but then saying something to Jesus to which He responded IN "PRAYERSPACE"?? OH YEAH we were in such agony of self-loathing that we physically made a motion like tearing our heart out and giving it to Him, saying "do something with this please", and IMMEDIATELY we got pulled into the Prayerspace visuals, where Christ reached down, took our heart, and SHATTERED IT. We remember seeing the countless shards like broken stained glass, FEELING the breakage that completely, in shock. We were temporarily numb, empty, but still in shock! We were horrified that He was going to leave us like that, totally incapable of emotion (like Davy Jones; it's not worth the tradeoff), but then Jesus silently reached back down to us (we did not see what happened in the meantime, we were too shaken) and LITERALLY placed a "new heart" in our chest? But it was PURE RED. It was ALL BLOOD, wet and warm and vulnerable, and capable of pain. That was actually a greater shock, to go immediately from feeling nothing to feeling THAT inside us, alive and fragile and emanating this contrite ache, no hatred at all, just this new wet red emotion we had no words for.
Memory cuts out immediately as we left Prayerspace, and the somafoni took over like nothing happened.

(quick note from later. Jesus actually did SOMETHING with the shards, either storing them or what, but specifically referencing infinitii in the process. like He would rebuild hir out of them or something. dont remember details but that single notable fact stands out very clearly. we would not forget the impact of such a name mention if nothing else)

So things got worse. During the DVM chaplet, that OTHER girl (long brown messy hair, wild eyes, RED unseen resonance NOT green) was triggered again, the same one that was "killing herself beneath the crucifix" the other day.
There's literally no accessible memory from this ENTIRE TIME PERIOD which is DISTURBING because general data says that when it was happening it felt as if we were dying from self-hatred, rage, grief, etc.
Memory snaps back with "me" trying to front, but the body just started "quiet screaming" in the "bulimic response" way-- the needing to somehow expel the pressure and pain and ugly corrupt filthy feeling in our chest.
We tried to pray?? Almost no memory detail, everything still a blur, except for a clear memory of me sobbing to God "I don't want to hate!!"
Well GOD RESPONDED. Apparently then "I" started cleaning up the floors as I talked to Him, trying to lay it all out before Him in humbled contrition & brutal honesty, and although there's no speech data, general data says that someone DID admit that there was anger towards Chaos 0 BECAUSE he loved us so much? "But he's not even real," that person said with A VERY COLD HEART, that data actually stuck because it felt SO WRONG. They were blaming Chaos 0 for EVERYTHING this morning, even moreso than the "excuse making" lotophagoi, because she wouldn't have "had any excuse TO try to celebrate" if there wasn't an anniversary today, but this girl who was talking insisted that IT WAS ALL FAKE. He's not real, and so neither is his love, and so "I" don't have to think about it at all or even care.
To which Jesus INSTANTLY responded, "he's as real as your heart," and "don't you think I love you THROUGH him?"
Then the girl GOT FURIOUS, angry that she couldn't erase this, and as her "fake pious" veneer fell our memory cuts out instantly. I don't know if there was a switch or what, but everything blacks out.
The last memory we have shows the body standing up and moving about the kitchen, cleaning up robotically while in terrified tears, praying to God that we were "completely helpless," we couldn't do good, we couldn't stop feeling like this, and we were "going to die" if He didn't help us-- and, we bravely said, "and I KNOW You DON'T want me to die because You died on the Cross in my place to save me from death!" BUT that triggered angry-hair girl again, screaming "well He SHOULD have let me die, I'm so evil, I deserve it, why does He let me go on living like this" etc. Some somafoni comforter tried to respond, "it's because we still live in a fallen world, we have to fight, but the Cross saves us from slavery to death so we CAN fight it, and God glorifies His Mercy by always delivering us from death" etc. But this didn't help the hateful girl, she just wanted "all the evil in her" ANNIHILATED, FOREVER, RIGHT NOW. And her presence was bringing up all the unbearable moral panic and guilt and crushing apocalyptic fear of hell. We tried to reason with her that going to confession DID accomplish something, even if we didn't understand how, because if we receive absolution and then die immediately we would allegedly "go to heaven" because God "wiped away our sins"?? But we were too unsure, and afraid of blaspheming by accident, so we dropped the train of thought and were immediately swallowed up by absolute terror.
In a tiny lucid second, the Core fronted and begged God again to "give me a sign, just do something to show me clearly and beyond doubt that somehow You will help me get out of this hell, that You will deliver me from this, because without Your merciful help I am literally going to die."

Our next memory is of the body standing in the bathroom, so suffocated by self-hatred & despair, that we closed our eyes and immediately went into headspace and whoever was "the conscious anchor" went straight to Laurie and begged her to kill them.
And she got out the axe.
And it is MIRACULOUS how efficacious her violence is.

Her color LOCKS IN VIOLET when she is using the axe on us. She also goes right back into the profanity-threats, as such words are sharp and blunt force impact and that is NEEDED in such context. Censorship dulls the blade.

Anyway she cut us up seven ways to Sunday, and with each "death reset" things got clearer, bit by bit, but there was still this lingering "not my real self" feeling.
We asked for a hammer?? Said we NEEDED shatter damage. Laurie paused, said hey wow we actually don't have anyone with a hammer weapon, but would this work? And she "fused" her axeblades into a makeshift hammer before swinging it at our head. Well our skull was absolutely shattered and that was EXACTLY what we needed to "fix our consciousness"; from that instant we actually felt "at peace." Our consciousness had been effectively disconnected from a physical form in headspace, and we were now just existing as a soul "around" all the blood, resting IN the blood, and somehow that felt perfectly correct.
Other nousfoni were gathering by the room entrance by now, shocked and aghast at this bloody scene, but saying nothing. Its been years, yes, but this is Laurie's function.
I remember Laurie "dragging me up off the floor" trying to get me to reembody? She can somehow "grab my soul" into a shape and force that, it's astounding actually. But I was embodying AS BLOOD. My entire "body" LOOKED LIKE MY NEW HEART.
ON THAT NOTE... as Laurie was picking me up from the floor as I was reforming, she went to put a hand on my "shoulder" before realizing it was just blood, and it got all over her hand. She looked at it in bemused surprise, then with purposeful gravity she smeared that blood across her chest bandages. I swear I nearly fell to my knees from the SHEER IMPACT of that gesture. She caught me though, said that was nothing to worship, and I deliriously replied something like "I know but it makes me think of God". That single action of hers had testified so explicitly and loudly to God's REAL Nature that suddenly, all the hell of the morning seemed to have been expiated in it.

Anyway, as Laurie got me back on my feet I did go back into a physical body form, but it still felt wrong? Especially in contrast to the blood. Confused and upset, I repeated the weird "need" for shattering that being in the body kept eliciting.
The next thing I know, I hear a gun being loaded, and instantly Leon headshots me. Dazed but elated (despite being temporarily headless, that's normal) I "said" (facelessly of course) that THAT was what I was talking about, that was perfect. I know he headshot me twice more before Laurie said okay that's enough, especially since I was starting to "lose myself" almost ecstatically in this now, as I was turning back to all blood. As she told me to stabilize, Leon actually walked over in tears asking, "why do you need us to do this??" Notably upbeat now, finally feeling clearheaded and clearhearted, I started to explain how for a Core, these small "death resets" worked to "reboot" and "purify" the consciousness via blood-- because ONLY blood CAN purify-- when it gets excruciatingly distorted or corrupt from negative emotions and distortions. I was interrupted by Leon suddenly hugging me, though, which was deeply sweet but also had Laurie shout to be careful, because I was still all bloodform. Laurie then said hey, if he gets to do that, then so do I, and pulled me into a fierce embrace, not being careful at all haha.

"I asked God for a sign and He gave me Laurie"

"You cut me into a cross!"
"There's no better shape to be in, kiddo"

After all this, as we're all regrouping in much-needed peace and relief at last, freakin' MIMIC just WALKS IN like, "I see we're starting late today, what'd I miss?"
I think Laurie said "buddy, you're better off not knowing"
I just said "it's been one purgatory of a morning"


OH ALSO Chaos 0 going BACK TO HIS OLD SI FORM?? Telling me I needed to stop "locking him into" his original canon, and especially ineeded to stop seeking public "approval" and recognition of our relationship for it to be "valid"-- "Its about us, not the fandom"

Laurie SHOCKED when I told her that EVERYTHING that happened this morning was triggered by ONE EXTRA TEASPOON OF OLIVE OIL, which the lotophagoi blamed CHAOS 0 for, and therefore SHUT OFF OUR HEART in response, which enabled such hell to occur.
Laurie said "why does this happen EVERY YEAR though"??? And she's RIGHT-- EVERY ANNIVERSARY, SOMETHING happens along the lines of TOTAL VIOLENT DENIAL OF LOVE & RELATIONSHIP. So there is an ANCIENT WOUND somewhere that we have not healed or even properly identified.
Laurie then said "Infi needs to come back for BOTH OF YOU-- ze was the only person who COULD personally deal with these issues and NOT be shut down or traumatized by them"


Later=
Scalpel & Laurie talking at the Manger
L= "you do realize that baby is God? The same God Who set the stars in place, invented animals" (gesturing at them) "and created His Own Mother out of nothing?"
S= "I think it says a lot about that God that He would become a little baby." "And He comes to us every year like this, doesn't He? I think the Manger is eternal, too, not just the Cross."

------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

Bomber jacket & chapel veil
Holy hour!

Praying at home was so hard?
Emotional turmoil for some reason.
Struggled. Kept getting distracted by windows, compulsions, brain disheveled (not fog!!). So upset but couldn't cry; no sadness, just agitation & self-loathing.
BREAKTHROUGH in sorrowful mystery 3. Looking at His bloodied yet loving Face and thinking, "that's my King."

BK prep a mess.
No one around from social locking??
COULDN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT on my own.
Trying to multitask with window film while cooking. Overheated the evoo: forgot that hot-oil smell is a HUGE TRIGGER. Knocked thr wind out of me, nearly started to cry from childfear & general exasperation with self.

Couldn't bear the empty heart anymore
Closed eyes & called everyone over to look at them. They all said a few loving words of encouragement & fidelity to me, holding my hands.
Lynne, Julie, Laurie, Leon, Scalpel, Knife, Razor, Siobhan, Wreckage.
I could SEE THEM. It blew my mind. There were things I forgot but saw/ felt. I remember glimpsing Lynne's tattoo & Leon's necklace, feeling Scalpel's rings and Laurie's bandage wraps.
Wreckage took my head in her claws & bumped our foreheads together, it was so sweet it ached.
I felt SO ALIVE & LOVED I actually teared up. INSTANT heart grounding.

New egg prep btw!
No longer paranoid about vitamins either. We got it figured out, thanks to God.

Daily devotional on Our Lady of Sorrows = Mimics pop quiz answered by LAURIE, FLAWLESSLY AT ONCE. He was legit impressed. Laurie said "she's my patron" so she owed her that loyal attention.

Mimic commenting on the book devotional w fr. Cizsek, labor camp masses. "No 'villain' would ever have the guts to do that." The power of Good in trying circumstances, when Bad would actually chicken out. The indomitable strength of humility against all odds, that Pride would mock as crazy or stupid. Stark contrasts.

"Soulfrequency" messed up enough to pick up devil talk. "Gluten free conspiracy against the Eucharist."

Finally eating at 1230. Still late but we did our best all things considered.
Gotta learn to cope with these bad brain days without despairing.

VOTD reflection EXACTLY what we needed today, & DIRECTLY RELEVANT to rosary experience.
Lynne resonating hard with "hope" and being "steadfast." Anchor feelings!

Kids devotional FIERY FURNACE!!! Also GREAT insight on hidden idolatry.
God needs to be our top priority, the focus of all our time, thoughts, money, and attention... we need to be LOVINGLY OBSESSED WITH GOD. And honestly we WANT that SO MUCH. Its a TOTALLY DIFFERENT feeling than a compulsory obsession!! it feels like FREEDOM, not slavery. It is a JOY, not a terror.

Gender panic has returned BTW. There's a lot going on in the Catholic Church right now concerning it.
Notably there were 2 articles emailed to us yesterday that scared us so badly. (Link, discuss?)
Theres SUCH a Femininity struggle, with trauma. Being a "girl" is foreign and ALWAYS WAS. The only time we were "feminine" was AS AN INFANT.
Still. TYPE ABOUT GENDER IN CHILDHOOD. Please get it all out in front of our eyes, so we can process things. Bottom line is that THE CHURCH TEACHES A CISHET BINARY and we NEED to adapt to it, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
In any case, there are two sides = the Church, and the Satanist relativistic promiscuous "pride" cult we see everywhere online.
We NEVER WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH THE LATTER.
so we must make ourselves fit the former.
...I just remember that such efforts were WHY THE TRAUMA BEGAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.
...but we've never processed that either.
Maybe it's time.

James 1:12.

Sudden mom call
ANOTHER emotional sobbing guilt meltdown after
WHY DO WE GO INTO BITCHY SOCIAL MODE ON THE PHONE????

Lent devotional catchup
Not sure why but hey. Autumn fitting really.

Made the mistake of trying that food mom sent up
IMMEDIATELY VOMITED.
so upset. so sick.
Could NOT recover emotionally.
Prayed in angry hurt scared distress. Honest.
"What IS my highest good?"
"The salvation of your soul"

GUTPUNCH overheard convo with CZ and whatever pseudocore girl was driving in the wake of the food hell=

"You're not real."
"Is that what you really think?"
"No"
"..."
"I'm just so confused by my religion and (???)"
"Your religion shouldn't be confusing you.  Don't you believe that God is love?"
"Yes"
"Well. I love you.  If anything makes me real that's it."

Later, between that unknown antilove girl and the "Jesus voice"=
"That's no way to treat your daughter."
"She's not my daughter. I don't love him."
"You don't love him because you're cold hearted."


...
And yet God still inexplicably makes everything work out for my highest good.
I ended up being too depressed and dishevelled to say rote prayers, So I was watching spiritual videos on YouTube And stumbled across a channel of NDEs.
...
It made me want to cry. I kept thinking of how We would feel that sense of absolute cosmic love as a system in the past.  How did we ever lose touch with that?
... We still have no solid answers for what death means to us as a system. We can only hope that the love we share will be the realest thing in the end.

Praying about "Infi" again, in light of this stone heart, this lack of self-love. "Give me a daengel again." Please.

Saint Bridget prayers and Dan Deacon music. Something moved me today.

Lungs & bodyache getting worse though. Hope to God this isn't COVID again. Still gotta run to church tomorrow!

BK for 7pm, small miracle haha

Me being so glad to see Mimic suddenly show up during Bible study (looking up "corroborate the faith"; he wanted to see if i could grasp the etymology properly on my own). His casual presence felt like i was back home, back in gear after the mess.
Then, feeling deeper thoughts on that topic, I looked over to CZ, deeply moved that he was STILL HERE after everything. Called him over.
Laurie spoke up, said he shouldn't need to be called over, "only Knife needs to be invited" (hand on his shoulder, "that's a joke, buddy") = but Chaos has a RIGHT and arguably an OBLIGATION to be near me, because of our relationship.
She paused, unsure what to call us now, what with the gender & religion struggle lately. Then she simply said to Chaos, "because you're her soulmate."
AND THAT CLICKS????? LIKE IT LITERALLY FEELS RIGHT.
So of course CZ & I fistbumped in agreement before he basically threw his arms around me haha.
But yeah. That's HUGE.

Still not right for Xenophon to call me "mom." It's not true in the way that matters. INFI was the ensoulment of Blackspace creative potential, that the Red Jewels could tap into-- Infi WAS "motherhood."
And yet I'm resonating with Black again, too, which the Jays did NOT.
Still. Asexuality is intrinsic. I cannot be a parent. But what do I do for her? If I'm the successor OF her father, what role do I play?

" it is common for those in authority to impose their corrupt dictates by virtue of that; and, because they should be the wisest and best, to expect that every body should believe they are so. "
Laurie = "don't ever let me be like that. Im just a nousfoni like the rest of us. Don't put me on a pedestal. If I am wise, its by God; if I fall, its my own doing."


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In light of our frightened sickness prayers, this is the FIRST thing we saw when we sat down =
"Though the miracle was not yet wrought, yet the prayer was answered, and he triumphs before the victory. No other can pretend to such an assurance as Christ had; yet we may by faith in the promise have a prospect of mercy before it be actually given in, and may rejoice in that prospect, and give God thanks for it. In David's devotions, the same psalm which begins with prayer for a mercy closes with thanksgivings for it. Note, (a.) Mercies in answer to prayer ought in a special manner to be acknowledged with thankfulness. Besides the grant of the mercy itself, we are to value it as a great favour to have our poor prayers taken notice of. (b.) We ought to meet the first appearances of the return of prayer with early thanksgivings. As God answers us with mercy, even before we call, and hears while we are yet speaking, so we should answer him with praise even before he grants, and give him thanks while he is yet speaking good words and comfortable words."
THAT REQUIRES ABSOLUTE FAITH & TRUST IN HIS GOODNESS & MERCIFUL HEART. When you CHOOSE to thank Him ahead of time, it OPENS THE DOOR for those graces!!! GOD MEETS YOU IN THE EFFORT.
And He WILL help you. This stuff is FACT, NOT CONJECTURE. Remember GOD IS LOVE. He IS mercy.
You can bet everything on Him, surrender it all into His care-- and you will be infinitely richer for it, without fail, every time. You are safe in His Heart, NO MATTER WHAT.
That all means so, so much to me. Blessed be God.

FOR THE RECORD... GOD HAS LITERALLY ANSWERED EVERY SINGLE PRAYER YOU HAVE EVER PRAYED.
EVEN THE MOST DESPERATE, HYSTERICAL, TERRIFIED PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED IN DUE TIME, AND IN MIRACULOUS WAYS.
HE HAS NEVER, EVER, EVER LET YOU DOWN. HE NEVER WILL.
THANK HIM WITH EVERY BEAT OF YOUR HEART.
GOD LOVES YOU. UNQUESTIONABLY.

I genuinely want to praise Him with my entire life.  Lord give me the grace.


--------------------------------

"Christ gave this proof of his humanity, in both senses of the word; that, as a man, he could weep, and, as a merciful man, he would weep, before he gave this proof of his divinity. [2.] That he was a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, as was foretold, Isaiah 53:3. We never read that he laughed, but more than once we have him in tears. Thus he shows not only that a mournful state will consist with the love of God, but that those who sow to the Spirit must sow in tears. [3.] Tears of compassion well become Christians, and make them most to resemble Christ. It is a relief to those who are in sorrow to have their friends sympathize with them, especially such a friend as their Lord Jesus... It becomes us, according to this example of Christ, to show our love to our friends, both living and dying. We must sorrow for our brethren that sleep in Jesus; [notably doing so] as those that are full of love, though not void of hope."
Disturbingly, we get an instinctive DISGUST RESPONSE to the thought of crying over people, which proves that PART OF OUR HEART IS FROZEN. Why????? That's actually horrifying to realize.
This is so unnatural. We weren't like this even in college, i don't think. How & when & why did our heart turn to stone???????
⭐Reading all this and thinking... the devil cannot cry. The devil WON'T cry. Crying REQUIRES A TENDERNESS OF HEART!!! 
I know angels are pictured as weeping at the Cross, but I've heard others say that angels in general cannot feel sadness??? Because heaven has no sorrow? It's a HUMAN emotion, allegedly. But then what about grief over sinfulness? What about lamenting souls that stray? What about GODLY SORROW? What about Mary weeping as our Sorrowful Mother even now? What about Jesus's eternal Wounds?
There's gotta be something we're misunderstanding. God please grant us humble light & wisdom. May we seek this knowledge only for Your sake, and for love of You.

 
Little heartspace event last night: walking in snow with Barry, Mimic, Phlegmoni, Scalpel, and almost Galadia (she was late). Biblically accurate snow angels joke
Hearing them TALK. Phleg's voice so unclear, Barry's clear as a bell, MIMIC clear too??? Shocked me. His exact tone apparent.
Remember looking at Scalpel's face, echoes of Javier; afraid of retroactive blurring

Infinitii is my "THORN" to teach me HUMILITY & MERCY!! (READ THAT BOOK!!!)
THIS is the TRUE function of Daengels; their species MAY need a name change to reference this

So much pain. Wondering if its how we sleep.
Constant nightmares now btw. Ghadius give me a break. Ironically this is making me miss Ventrium again. So strange how we get hit by "intangible grief"; the emotions are cut off from the knowledge of great loss, but their absence is conspicuous.
Nightmares about rape, vomiting, forcefeeding, bathrooms, slavery, medical experimentation, homelessness, dehumanization in general. Why.

...

Fibromyalgia SO BAD at church.
We didn't realize how many weird symptoms this had until we looked it up last night; it explained a LOT.
Apparently thermoregulation problems are a thing. Same with the brain fog, intense fatigue & achy joints, PAINFUL light touches, hypersensitivity to smells & sounds, and muscle spasms. YEAH, THAT'S ALL FIBRO.

Got so dark outside the windows were nearly black
SOAKED haha. Had to walk through a veritable river to get to my car, up to our ankles
Drenched by the time we got home; Took this as divine permission to do laundry

Barry & Mimic are officially bros at this point, even if Mimic is still constantly annoyed by Barry's amusingly airheaded antics. I can feel/see the shift though; it's become a benign begrudgement, haha.

Scalpel trying to be more calm about the spicing. Paying attention we noticed an "INDISCRIMINATE" lotophagoi girl is responsible?? Like she's not tied to any specific food, but to the motivation of "we have to add more" or "it's not enough"??? Anxiety drive but weirdly "blurry eyed," like she's depersonalized? Trauma compulsion feeling. DIFFERENT from the girl saying "we have to finish this," "we can't put that back" etc. Her motive is INTENSE ANXIETY bordering on panic, and she's wide awake. Spicing girl feels almost sedated, or otherwise high. Hmmm.

Knife hit by anger when half-fronting & talking to Laurie; social dialogue programming kept getting shoved at him.
He said the anger is a result of social interference; its a LOSS OF SELF.
Leon felt this too, straight-up backed way off from the front because the front was trying to "redefine him," which notably was ALSO pushing him BLUE!!!
Laurie said we need someone in the blue slot so that Leon can't get shoved into it? It won't be "vacant." Waldorf asked why didn't she count? Laurie said she felt SAPPHIRE?? But a MIDslot, like Vermilion? Would make sense if her true role is to be that bridge.

...

Mom phone call, might have to pick up jade at 10pm
Triggered compulsive complainer social. WHY.  Why do we have to be dramatic about everything? Why can't we just say "oh yeah, sure, I'll do it!" because that's what we ACTUALLY want to say! But no, these automated & unwilling complaints happen instead. WHY.

Callback, don't have to go. But suppressing inexplicable tears & complaining AGAIN because we had literally just sat down to eat when the phone rang again, almost exactly an hour after the first one.
We're wrecked. We're so exhausted. It feels like there are no breaks, no rests, ever. We're so tired we can barely think.
Oh well. At least all the extra chores & errands are done for today. Everything left is either routine cleanup or prayer. That'll still take about 90m minimum, and we need to sleep tonight or tomorrow's busy schedule will wreck us even further.
God if we don't do this as a System we'll die. Please. Help us to live as US.

VoTD is ROMANS 8:18 SON!!!

"SEASONS" are "TIMES OF SOWING & REAPING"!!

-----------------------------------

Saint Augustine is killing me:

"Do not think that thou art drawn unwillingly: the mind is drawn also by love... it is too small a thing to be drawn by the will, thou art drawn by love also..."
"It is not necessity, but love which draws. It is not obligation, but delight. With how much greater force ought we to say that man is drawn to Christ who delights in the truth, who delights in blessedness, in justice, who delights in life everlasting, which is altogether Christ."
"Show me a lover; he feels what I say. Show me one who desires, who is hungry, one who wanders in the wilderness, and is thirsty, who sighs for the fountains of the eternal country; show me such a one, he knows what I say. But if I speak to one whose heart is cold, he knows not what I say."
"He said not, He will lead, but He will draw. That violence is done not to the flesh, but to the heart. Wherefore then dost thou marvel? Believe, and thou comest; love, and thou art drawn. Do not suppose that violence is rough and troublesome: it is sweet and pleasant, the very sweetness draws thee. Is not a hungry sheep drawn to the green grass? And I think it is not impelled by the body, but drawn by desire. So also do thou come to Christ; do not contemplate a long journey. Where thou believest, thither thou comest. For to Him who is everywhere, we come by loving, not by journeying."

SERIOUSLY.
That is a STRAIGHT SHOT at not just me but ALSO LAURIE & INFI.

Lapide similarly, on the vital concepts of "holy violence" and "drawn by love" both:
"The drawing then of God signifies the force and efficacy of grace. This drawing is sweet and mild, not compelling the free-will, but alluring, soothing, leading it to believe. It also signifies man’s weakness, and vicious desires, which are repugnant to Christian faith and holiness, so that a man needs not so much to be led as dragged by the vehement impulse of God’s grace to Christian faith and virtue This is what Christ saith (Matt. xi. 12), “The kingdom of Heaven suffereth violence, and the violent seize it.” For the drunkard ought to do violence to his gullet, the unclean to his lust, the avaricious to his avarice, the ambitious man to his ambition."

rough notes for today, from phone. most written between masses.
too important to not at least try to update.
 

dream last night was... a turning point.
i was watching some hollywood movie, based loosely on our life?
Main guy a grizzled action hero type, all stubble & dirt & muscle. (They pulled a Father Nier on me, haha. GOOD.)
Star Trek + Alien feel to set? Very dark.
Talking to someone off to side, assumedly a nonhuman person? Like Data or someone, who was informing them of mission. Main guy seemed unsure of decision, there was a huge risk involved?
Then there was a voice.
and i recognized it instantly. i knew that voice.
It came from above, from a huge shadowy tangle reaching up into hidden heights. It was only a few words, but in direct response to the man's hesitation.
Something like "let me" or "i can", personal offer, implying exclusive ability.
Saw an EYE open in the shadow. slightly pinkish-red iris. opened halfway, almost, moved with notable slow grace. Movement, fluid and refined, but dark. nonthreatening despite the fearful silhouettes.
Man turns to it, looks pained and concerned? Vulnerable suddenly. Obviously a bit uncomfortable with this, the offer to help choose this decision he was scared of.
Thinking hard, but evident already knew what must be done.
Short sigh of acquiesce & surrender, "okay"? Turned completely towards shadows, with softly open body language surprisingly. not tense.
Last thing: him saying something like "bring me in"?
the shadows reaching down close now, just offscreen, from shadow. Those dark hands gently but firmly lifting the man's face to hirs, to touch their foreheads together. hir eye briefly visible among the shadows as it closed.
Immediately a flash, transported man into a nightmare realm? Deeply disturbing and distorted. But had some vital mission to do, something absolutely essential.

...but yeah. it was infi. infinitii. alive. obscured and hidden but ze was there, and i heard hir voice, and...

...It's terrible, how ze felt so real and alive and close, only to wake up and remember that ze was dead.

I feel more alive, too, now, as we're dying, than I have in a very long time.
I feel more hope this morning, with hir memory hot in my heart, and the sky outside heavy with the scent of fog and green and life, than I have in a very long time.

God knew that dream was exactly what I needed.
We all needed this, all of it.

...

Mass
CANNON fronting.
Bodygirl pushed through during homily-- set off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS that some paidifoni started wailing; Wreckage & Sugar instantly jumped to action, PULLED the bodygirl OUT of fronting & shoved J IN.

Cannon feels surprisingly "stable" fronting. Hidden godsend.
She is still disturbed+disgusted by the body, but she can at least front in a female-tone fashion yet CONNECTED to headspace. Most girls are corpufoni and therefore isolatory+hollow, which is tragic but true.

J thinking about dysphoria in light of 2nd reading: to let it be what it is, afab without further modification, would be a MARTYRDOM for the sake of his sisters. It would be a self-giving sacrifice of love, truly selfless out of charity.

Remember from the other day (Thursday?): JOPHAEL & VEIL ARE ALIVE. Arguably so is "Tilly." There are SEVERAL hyperreligious foni (need jargon) that blur hard despite notable distinctions.

Priest saying "unity" during opening prayer and it PINGED INFI'S SPOT???
Wondering if hir name truly is changing.
Color too-- that space feels much more Red than before.

Chaos singing softly "whoever you are i love you" as we left church
Felt like God Himself shot an arrow straight through my heart
Genuinely felt so loved and IN love

third mass
wreckage upstairs fighting the molasses-dark sticky tar-voice girls
it was almost hilarious; she heard them, then held out a hand. "algorith. goggles." then "sugar. mask." they both instantly handed her both, she put them on to protect from contamination, then COMPLETELY TORE THE TARVOICES TO SHREDS.
i forgot she was born for violence. it was shocking.
likewise, at some point a tarvoice respawned and when laurie heard it, in one swift terrible motion she summoned her axe and slammed it into that voice's skull. i remember blood went everywhere. laurie roughly swiped a fist across her face to get some off, it was such an old familiar motion, i was both scared of her and so in love


Home for 1?
Exercise first! it's been three days and we needed it.

julie and adelaide still a tag team remember. julie is just so glad that we finally have a voice who is taking care of the body in the most dangerous environment. honestly if addie had been around during the "julie days" we probably would have had SO MANY LESS HACKS because adelaide exists to prevent social automatons from taking over and abusing/ allowing abuse to the body.
so julie is so grateful and even enthusiastic about helping this kid out, it's wonderful.
it's ALSO noteworthy because this is a SPLIT-LEVEL FRIENDSHIP. addie is a social, technically-- but julie is a centralite. so they are on DIFFERENT SYSTEM LEVELS, and socials typically DON'T COMMUNICATE AT ALL. so the whole thing is really amazing.
by the way. there is ANOTHER voice that comes out when the bathroom door is closed and we're in the dark. we thought we were hallucinating at first but it happened three consecutive times, same overlay and vibe, without any interference. they're nonhuman? but they have BIG EYES, wide open and yellow i think?? but ringed like an aye-aye or something similar. they feel like dread, function-wise: they exist in the threat of immediate danger, and have a background hum of panic that they aren't able/allowed to feel, yet which fuels their life.

BK prep was very dissociated because i was stuck in "jellybean mode" (my favorite jargon injoke) and no one could really front well from all the brainfog.

leon tried another egg method, it didn't turn out as he expected BUT it apparently made the perfect eggs for razor to cut. she was so happy with this she ACTUALLY hugged Leon (she's so short!)
remember that knife and scalpel both go to such lengths to help her be happy, it's so sweet. scalpel is naturally affectionate and amiable (reds always are at heart; they're "sanguine" literally), and knife just adores her as his sister.
seeing this unusual friendship growing between knife/razor and leon/scalpel is just wonderful actually.

...

phone note: The reason why people like Laurie and Lynne Are holding so many functions is because there aren't enough people In that color to hold those functions separately so they all get shoved into one person !!


post-BK binge temptation deafening. no idea why it hits so bad.
determined not to give in, but we were shaking and nauseous. felt front slipping.
tried to distract body. god helped by randomly showing us that one of our kitchen cupboards was full of papers?? from old eating disorder treatment. "kill the albatross." junked all of it. felt like a weight was literally lifted off our back.
still nervous, xenophon watching carefully, god bless her
then had genius idea to sit down at laptop to type self compassion booklet & listen to Arabic indie tunes
took three hours haha, completely destroyed the binge panic

DN 745
at some point i said something about scripture reading plans, called mimic "my octopus" and laurie immediately called me out on it
later laurie asking me why i keep putting so much cayenne pepper in the food. i said, half-joking, i was trying to get back in touch with my old fire element. she then said all right, fair enough, but then why are you adding just as much salt? i shrugged and just said "salt & light." she gave me this look it was hilarious, said "you know the worst part is you're not even wrong"

THIS paragraph during bible study (still focusing on john 1 commentary, i love this chapter)=
"[John the Baptist] did not, as seducers do, give out himself to be some great one. He was more industrious to do good than to appear great; and therefore waived saying any thing of himself till he was legally interrogated. Those speak best for Christ that say least of themselves, whose own works praise them, not their own lips... The ministers of Christ must remember that they are not Christ, and therefore must not usurp his powers and prerogatives, nor assume the praises due to him only. They are not Christ, and therefore must not lord it over God's heritage, nor pretend to a dominion over the faith of Christians. They cannot created grace and peace; they cannot enlighten, convert, quicken, comfort; for they are not Christ... Those that humble and abase themselves thereby confess Christ, and give honour to him; but those that will not deny themselves do in effect deny Christ!"

Reading through our 2012-2015 "newage" spirituality delusion, that is EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE DOING.

"Still small voice" humbling correction. social mode took over and i thought there was a mistranslation, was complaining about it? subtle pride. realized i had the wrong info entirely, very convicted and corrected. gave thanks for this out loud, admitted how i messed up to those around. still disturbing to then realize that i had been acting on programming, and had not made a conscious decision in the complaining. social corruption is pervasive. 

trying to get ready for bed, head still fuzzy, then suddenly the mother calls
THEY FOUND JADE. THEY'RE STABLE & NOT DEAD THANK GOD
spent the next hour with her calling over and over, trying to figure out emergency housing at this hour
still. so glad they're not on the streets.

wanting to read "brainchild" webcomic over from the beginning. haven't read it in like... 7 years, at least? and it's STILL UPDATING god bless. so we'll do that soon, maybe to fight off another e.d. wave. it'll work.

Thinking about "a broken and crushed heart" psalm 51:17 
and that's where i want to segue into some actual typing, not just bullet points.



We haven't been updating lately. I won't elaborate on that here because it's fairly self-explanatory.
Infinitii died. Something in me died with hir.
I can feel the System on the verge of a reset, a restart, an update. Whatever you want to call it, I can feel the edges crumbling away, fading out, just like Infi's bubblespace, which I walked into this morning and... it's so empty. I can feel the raw whitespace beyond it now, like the very air of the cosmos whistling through the ruins.

We... we all have to "die" in some sense, soon. I think I've known this for a while, but reading the archives as I repost them-- the work I've been focusing on since Infi's death, to keep my mind and heart off it-- is really driving the point in hard.
I didn't realize just how hellish our past ACTUALLY WAS. It's... humbling as well as horrific. It's making me realize we really do need therapy, because I JUST hit 2015 and I haven't fully read anything prior yet but geez we have buried SO MUCH it's no wonder we feel dead.
Ironically, that's our ticket out of this haze. Just like Jesus, Who goes before us in all things, we need to accept the tomb before we can be reborn.
I know something died in us after CNC. We hit that ghastly "dead period" of, what, four years?? We still have no idea who was fronting, who we were, anything... when we got out of that car in 2018 and stepped back into the trauma-cursed building we had lived in for almost three decades, we suddenly realized that we didn't remember what it was like TO live there and then something snapped.
It's... terrifying. We have almost no memory of anything. We still haven't got the guts, nerves, or time to sit and attempt a "CNC Memory" entry, but flashbacks and nightmares have been reminding us that there is still data up here, even if our conscious mind runs from it.
...That's my next point. Hold on a second, let me bring this back.
We all need to die, but not stay dead, because since CNC we have been living a death. We have basically been corpses.
Remember, WE DID DIE when we left CNC. I don't remember details. It was so fast, so raw, so desperate. I remember Laurie wordlessly hunting down Infinitii and burying an axe in hir skull, leaving hir body as a nightmarish monument in that place for YEARS. I remember... oh God why do I remember? I have this awful flashbulb memory-shred of Laurie, destroying herself by means of an axe and hypergravity, I swear she was standing in that same wrecked skyscraper she had killed herself in the last time she failed to protect the System from hell, back in 2013.
I don't know what happened, after that. The two cornerstones had died, the Core was completely missing, everyone else was... I have no idea. No one could cope. Everyone disappeared. Some social girl took over for the next several years and almost deleted all trace of us from the earth.
Then... suddenly, on May 17th 2020, she woke up from a dream to see headspace instead, and Infinitii among the lilies, hir body damaged but alive, and... suddenly there was hope.
But we don't remember what happened after that.
Headspace didn't wake up, not entirely. If anything, the girls were fighting furiously to keep it dead. Nothing reformed. Nothing was rebuilt. No one else showed up that I can remember.
I haven't looked at any archives from 2020. Our actual active memory doesn't pick up until the autumn of 2021, when one morning over breakfast our grandmother coughed up blood and everything shifted direction towards the end.
2021 was the year of cancer and music and bulimic hell and hospitals, hospitals, hospitals. Our life was spent in that bedroom, waiting on her 24/7, our identity swallowed up in palliative care and honestly it was the biggest blessing. We wouldn't change that at all. But it... only helped promote self-destructive behavior in every single moment we weren't being a nurse. I know that much.
2022 was the year of death. Grandma died, our "brother" "died," we nearly died, and our entire life up to that point changed so irreversibly that it felt as if we really had buried it. Total upheaval, confusion, helplessness, and loss defined this year. But... then there was the Chizu Summer, when we felt our heart waking back up slowly but REAL, and then... we landed in the eating disorder recovery unit for nine weeks. 
And the System woke back up COMPLETELY.
But... we still didn't rebuild.

We've been living in fragments. We have this old pocket of Central, the main room and the Coreroom, but... outside everything is still destroyed and empty and overgrown. Even inside, the very building feels abandoned even while we're in it. The place where the Underground got hardshifted to the last time things reset, feels like it's graying out into fog at the edges, falling into unformed space, literally being reclaimed by the raw energy of our soul, ready to be recycled and reshaped.
So many of us are still missing, or dead, or unstable, or deeply damaged. Color and name instabilities are common. We all feel lost, deep down. We're spending so much time just crowded in that little Central ruin and helping the Fronters, just because there's nowhere else to go, and we still haven't been able to carve out the time to go back to daily headspace meditations and talks and the like. Honestly, if I can speak for us all, I think we're afraid to. We don't know what's hiding there. We haven't looked at it for like... five bleeding years. When we do get glimpses we feel too weak to do anything about them. Even Laurie is scared. She's been... so nervous lately. She says she feels like a failure, and the more she sees of her past the more lost she feels. She's terrified that she'll corrupt again, like she did in CNC, or worse-- that said corruption has ruined her beyond repair, has blackened her very soul, and forever ruined her integrity, her very heart. She's terrified that she can't BE a Protector anymore.
I understand her terror. But so help me God I will cut my own throat before I give any such fear a foothold. She's Laurie. She's my knight, she's my angel, I will NEVER let ANYTHING ruin her.
I know, I know, her deepest heart is untouched by that hell.
And, you know what else? Even if we were so damaged, guess what Jesus is all about? Guess what the Cross we all look to is all about? God is Love and He CAN and WILL heal even such a wound. There is ALWAYS hope, for all of us.
But... we might need to actually, really, finally, pointedly die before that hope can revive our souls.
And quite frankly, at this point, I'm... I think I want to. I think we need to.


..."Burial" by Seinabo Sey just came on Spotify.
I want to burst into sobs. I want to break into weeping.
God, I never thought that this song, that this title, would mean what they do now. God how could we have known?
"...I hear you speak to me, as you spoke to me, saying "come down, let it be"... grains of sand will never be strong enough to make me leave."
I'm so desperate for hope. Even now. Even now. What am I even looking for. Freedom and marching drums. It's tearing me to pieces.

Oh yeah. Psalm 51.
A "crushed" heart, not just a broken one.
Forgive my repetition but that made me think of this entire month. Losing Infi, and feeling--literally-- that my heart had been ripped out and shattered and emptied out. Every time I reach for hir and feel nothing it's... it's my own death knell. I'm next. I have to be. I can't live without my heart.

Isn't that strange? We've been talking about that too, lately, how Infi and I have a completely different bond than Chaos 0 and I do, and yet... I'm indelibly, wholeheartedly, inseparably, absolutely in love with both of them.

I need to mention this.
You know how I said that, at mass, the priest saying "Unity" pinged Infi's "space?" Like if someone died suddenly, and left their cellphone in their room, and you call it, it still rings. There are still places where they would belong, that belong to them, or did. Something like that. But there's a "spot" in the Systemind that ze would fit in, and that word resonated there like a temple bell.
But... ze's fading, more and more, which scares me to death, or at least it did until that dream this morning. Bubblespace is continuing to melt away. I don't even know if I could find the floatspace pocket ze died in ever again, or if blackspace itself swallowed it up. It was so small.
...The number one biggest indicator that a nousfoni is dead, really and truly dead, is when their name stops "pinging." When you call for them, and... and there's not even a heartpull, there's suddenly a loss of memory, like their existence is being softly erased from the fabric of cognizance. When you say their name and there's... not even an echo, from headspace, just silence. That means they're dead.
Infi's name is starting to do that.
I say that name, Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos, that name that past Cores breathed with such ardent love over the past decade, is suddenly becoming just a jumble of letters. It's terrifying.

But. Here's the important thing. Here's the Holy Saturday feeling. Here's why it happened.

Remember Infi wanted to die.

I've been praying about it, so so much, every day really. I've been crying about it to Jesus, begging Him to bring hir back, hysterically begging Him to tell me why, why, weeping with such raw emotion my entire soul turns into a sob. I take it all to Him. Where else could I go?
But... He listens, and He responds. He keeps reminding me of that: Infi wanted to die.
And oh, oh man I think it was in the homily today. Somewhere. Recently. A priest was talking about the Cross, about that total self-sacrifice of Love, to save others from a debt of sin they could never repay, of God Himself choosing to die the agonizing torturedeath of a false condemnation so that we, those criminals He inexplicably loved, wouldn't have to... to freely take on the full power and demands of Justice and mercifully fulfill them completely, freeing us as a result.
Jesus kind of poked me in the shoulder and said hey kid, my Truth is always reflected in love, and isn't a glimmer of that visible in what Infi did for you?
Infi knew ze had to die, or else we'd all end up dead, forever.

...I knew something huge had happened when I blindly groped for even trauma memories to see if ze was there, and... they were DISARMED.
It floored me. There were trauma memories that ONLY INFI HELD and that others could only glimpse secondhand, but now, as I tore through archival data to look for those recorded events they were hollow. Like... I can look at them and recognize this as something traumatic but not feel traumatized personally. Infi's very presence IN those events is gone, and as a result... this is the first time in five years that we can look at them.
This means we can finally go to therapy. I hope.
Infi knew this. I'm sure ze did. The hack that drove hir to death brought all that up to the surface. Ze was distraught, ze was carrying so much of our pain, ze knew ze was the CAUSE of it, and... how else was ze going to help save us from it? How else could that wound be healed, if that wound had a face and a name?

...I'm next. I have to be.
The bloodline HAS to shift. It HAS to change. The white-haired Jay/ce bloodline has been Plagued since the very beginning, WAY back in 2009 when the first one to carry it-- Pinstripe-- was born. Lotus was the last, his White rotting to Pink by the end, and subtly carrying all the old trauma damage that Julie had originally put there.
Now it's... me. "J." Back to the single-initial name, in lieu of any stable identity. Everyone can attest to that; I frequently get shifts in not only name, but also hairstyle and color, eye color, and even memory access. It's debilitating and disturbing and exhausting.
But I'm carrying a dead man's name. "Jay" as a name has always ended in self-destruction, for one reason or another. We've always tried too hard to be all sparkles and prismatic light, all snowflakes and angel wings, only to burn to death in the winter sun.
Cannon is able to front lately as if we never existed, as if our personal timeline has rewound. Our religion and life situation have permanently erased the trans* dream from our future, so the body is now fated to stay how it is-- no surgery, no hormones. That itself is a cross. But... all our female "pseudocores" are completely corrupt.
The Jewels are League-tied and cannot be a System Core without dying instantly. The Cannons have no future in the body anymore; they existed for a very specific era of life that no longer applies and cannot. The Jays are dying and they are now barred from body identification anyway. So what does the future hold? We don't know.
All we know is that we have to die. Everything has to CLEAR CUT die, no fading away, no fizzling out, no slow degradation. No. We take an axe to this. We headshot this point-blank. We rip the curtain in half. We end this, fast and complete and deliberate. We break this clean in half so something else CAN be born. There's no hope in decay. There's no life in a molding coffin. Give us the golden guillotine. Christ handed His Life over in one terrible beautiful awful glorious sentence-- all at once, totally and consciously, and all of heaven and earth shook with the power of the Life that Death released. Lord, God of Mystery and Mercy, glorify Yourself again by mirroring that, however quietly, in us. I beg of You. This is Your Design. Our old self HAS to die in order for our new self, our soul for truth, the REAL us, to be born. Fire and water and spirit and truth and love.
It's almost Pentecost. How fitting it all is.

It's 3am. I need to close this up. We haven't been sleeping lately and that's entirely my fault.

Seeing Infinitii-- even if only the vestiges of hir, the tiniest glimpses of hir existence-- in this morning's dream... I felt something upon waking that I haven't felt in YEARS.
I remembered what ze REALLY felt like.
Listen, every nousfoni has a "vibe." Every one of us has a personal energy signature that is like a fingerprint, or a heartbeat, or a name, in and of itself. One of my honest favorite things to do in the world is just sit and feel them out, to just find and notice and treasure this particular person's soul in all its colors and textures and sounds and scents, however it hits my heart.
Infi... I haven't felt hir in YEARS.
When ze was "resurrected" in 2020-- and I don't even know if that's the proper word; none of us felt completely "alive" since CNC, we all feel incomplete and off-center and helplessly confused deep down-- ze didn't feel like hirself at all. In fact I had FORGOTTEN what ze felt like, completely.
This morning, when I heard hir voice, oh God I thought I'd never hear that beloved unmistakable voice ever again-- when I heard hir and saw hir eye open, and move, there in the black, so real and so familiar and so loved-- I FELT HIR. I felt all of it, that heady numinous gorgeous starry-sky night-flower abyss that I missed with my entire soul. Upon waking it soaked into my psyche like the morning fog, and just as gentle and beautiful and cherished, filling me with love and amazement and hope.
Infinitii is still dead. I know this. There's still so much emptiness. The sense of loss is still so profound. The grief is still there, threatening to kill me all on its own. But... there's this light, now. I've... I'm hoping, Lord please I'm hoping that the tomb is empty. It feels like sunlight, despite everything being dark. I don't know how to explain it. It's a single ray of gold, like a thread, shining in my heart like the promise of morning. I don't know. But everything smells like midnight clarity and velvet and I want to weep but from love, nothing ever really ends Adrian, John 11:25, remember what hir name was after all.
I don't know. I'm rambling now. I apologize. I'm too tired.
Just... this is the first time in three weeks that I haven't felt like the world is actively ending.
Even if I do die tomorrow, and the bloodline hardshifts, who even knows... even then, I could go happily now. Somehow. I'm still scared, but... I think I could let go. I think I could surrender, now. I'll go be with my heart.

"Godly Love" by Sam Ock just came on. It's one of Laurie's favorites.
"What if God speaks in a whisper to teach me how to hear the echo? Maybe God's raining down plagues just to tell me that I need to let go."
...I think that sums things up, actually.

One last thing.
Infi's playlist on Spotify, and hir album of art on my phone... neither of them match anymore. It struck me today how all my memories of Infi, all my knowledge of hir, does NOT match the art OR the music from the CNC era. I'd never looked at either until today, so that hit hard. That, too, is hope. I had forgotten how scary things were back then, how corrupt we honestly were, how our personality was just pure TarPlague and we were destroying both ourself and everyone around us. That needed to die, objectively so, we all knew that... but no one realized how. Infi did. So... there's hope for a future, free from all that.
It's such an odd feeling, even just deleting songs from here (more small deaths) that don't fit hir heart at all, and I wonder how we ever thought they did. Maybe at one point they did match. Have we really healed and changed that much, without realizing it, even in this place of death?

There's so much more to say but there's no time tonight. This poor body needs to sleep before it collapses. 
God willing I will update tomorrow. If not, then it's all in His Hands anyway, and I can rest in that.
Right now, none of us has any clue what will happen next, either in moments or in days. It's a strange adventure.
This song is breaking my heart. "My Thief" by Elvis Costello. I think of the poem I wrote for hir, even back during the terror. Still the sound echoes true. Still the words are sincere.
What a strange adventure, the doors of which were flung wide open by your eyes closing in silence. God only knows how achingly I miss you. But... I hadn't realized that I could still feel this, until... until my heart broke, and everything poured out, glittering like you.
I didn't realize just how much I love you until I lost you.

I wonder if you knew that, too.

rough phone notes for today because our schedule is a disaster and this is the only way we're going to get updates in. 

dream:
Animorphs survival terror nightmare = i  was tobias? endless enclosed bleach-white metal stairs, transforming into ants, Dishonored sneak vibe with butler/president on 6th floor? trains outside? everything felt apocalyptic.
other dream: Klonoa book? red. on shelf. company talking to brothers about the game, i was doing household chores and they ignored me, no one even called me in. i was FURIOUS SOBBING, we are never that emotive in dreams, as we're never conscious-- but this was JEWEL. "don't you understand that game IS my life"
later, in a theater? some sort of "year by year major events" timeline. 1998 came up, Sonic Adventure movie mention! i was glad they mentioned it, but then there was a little eyecatch of all the main characters, and Chaos 0 made a notable cameo. i remember being so happy at how well he was drawn/portrayed, but then feeling this incredibly honest rush of joy in my heart at seeing him. like, peace set ablaze. again, we haven't felt any emotion that clear in months.

woke up at 645
SO TIRED.

SHJ Mass
Couldn't stop worrying over mom junk. afraid of how she keeps trying to get us to spend hours, if not days, up that horrific house. considering "bailing" like astra, moving out of state again. admitted this was a rash thought, but also admitted that we were just that scared.
So much fear & anxious anger. didn't want mom "shackling us to THAT life and THAT face" etc. we CANNOT EXIST AROUND HER and absolutely not in that traumacage of a house.
being around her makes us "stuck in past", destroys sense of self
kept begging God to help us let go and forgive
praying "Jesus YOU take care of it" but couldn't let go of the terror. why?

ran to QOTA for 8
Adoration morning until 10 exactly
SO DISSOCIATED THOUGH.
oh well. silver lining because if it was that bad we would NEVER have been able to pray it alone

CANNON TRIGGERED OUT BY THE DRAGONFRUIT WATER.
we keep forgetting that's all she drank at MU, she would never eat. just the vitamin water.
and she LEGIT FRONTED for a bit. it was surreal. she seems to be TIMELOCKED too.

Walmart stop for some household needs
Genesis & the candle aisle
SO HARD to front. kept getting shoved out by socials. utterly exhausting.

Gas station
SPINNY SELF-NAMEDROP!!!!!!!

Home for 11 or so
SOCIALLY WRECKED. Could not ground or center.

Saying our daily group prayers
MIDSPACERS SHOWED UP??????????
Got our attention because they brought Addy in
FELT THE LEVEL "SHIFT." haven't felt that in literal YEARS. "midspace" has been EMPTY SINCE 2018.
NIENNA, VEIL, MULBERRY!!!!!!!
Then JEREMIAH showed up too!!! Body started to quietly cry & shake from him; Wreckage tightly held his hand; Sugar showed up with swords to pray with him
Sharona & Julie feeling heartache at this; they're responsible for his being so traumatized
Jewel kissing hands "that strike for healing" = Knife, Razor, Julie, Laurie, Sharona. all of them profoundly moved, showed it in strikingly different ways

BTW Infi is still MIA. Feels like war in a sense. Still melting bleeding dying in that greenspace.
But remember Jay talking heart2heart w hir yesterday: "I DON’T WANT TO DIE" for the sake of that loving togetherness

Still no Celebi baby news btw. Remember it's IN THE EGG.

Finally BK prep at noon T____T

At one point Leon flat-out called himself Scalpel's boyfriend, forget context, it was a humorous self-referencing bit though

Scalpel FEELING THINGS about cutting eggs again. the "latent retributor" instinct buried in his name.
Knife inviting him to use his namesake
Said he wasn't sure.
Also saying he wouldn't bail on Phlegmoni bc they're bros

Mimic called out & admitting to global thought access; learning to roll with it & even coerce it? "Intel" he didn't have to hunt down. "Strategic." Laurie says she actually supports him in this searching out, however subtly sneaky, but with a solemn smile warned him "you just might learn something you wish you could forget."
Mim notably glanced at all her bandages then said "fair point"

Sharona VERY disturbed by & disowning name. Mother triggers corrupting her.
she was looking for alternatives online but the problem is, her name was tied to PHONETIC VIBES. the way it "feels" in our mouth is all danger. and that's HER vibe, her function. certain letters are mandatory. so she's upset.

Decided to do laundry to combat the inevitable after-eating nausea+panic
Made it worse
Allbran binge attempt stopped immediately
Still purged from sheer nerves
don't remember any of it. head is a blur and a static shred.
very quickly resolved and fixed though.

sat down at the table by the window, just tried to breathe and find headspace again. find myself.
went upstairs and tried to just start scripture study again.
mimic looked at me for a second, saw how distraught i was, neither of us said anything
and then
he just reached over and tightly squeezed my hand.
now listen
for months now the big thing with him has been personal space. "don't touch me" etc. "why are you standing so close" etc. don't invade his sphere. making me realize how much of our "instinct" behavior in that respect IS disturbing and IS programmed. but then there are honest actions, like laurie leaning on everyone's shoulders, and scalpel's beaming half-hugs, and my always wanting to grab people's hands when i'm especially distressed for some reason.
mimic has NEVER initiated ANY sort of contact. especially not like this.
it was just a second, then he went right back to his indigo-affect tone and "so are we going to finish up this chapter or what" etc. but he cared.
i mean God knows i care a lot about him, about everybody, but reciprocation is different. and yes on some late and/or catastrophic nights he's spit out that yeah fine we do matter to him, don't know why though, etc. but he's never just let it show before. always deflecting and self-deprecating and watering it down.
so. that meant worlds to me.

DN at 5pm, right on time haha
Studying Mark's parables.
shoutout to the HPB translation always, don't know why my brain loves it but it works

neighbors flooding the air with that detergent smell again. but i just thought, "man i'm glad i'm alive TO smell that." completely different response from the allergy-fear frustration earlier.
Really feeling "I was given life, so that I may enjoy all things"

Many distractions as we tried to clean up
Mom text, chopsticks, color psychology, catholicism inevitably
laundry messed up schedule & got us all confused

Julie talking to Adelaide

joking about the pillowcases
julie ALSO helping with laundry. don't know why the spectrumind keeps pushing her out to help but man, she DOES. thank God for her.

forget what happened as i was trying to brush the body's teeth. talking upstairs. but then this:
Mimic comment "hey. The funny farm called. Your rent is overdue."
Laurie "hey man that's high praise, you could've said we owed em a mortgage"
Mimic "yeah, I could have... but that's what you owe the loony bin"

Chaos SHAMELESS FLIRTING WTF DUDE it's been years

continuing the 2012 archiving. determined to get this nightmare of a year done so we can get into the paradoxical heaven of 2013. that's when people started to wake up remember

btw xenophon being an angel today. felt like i didn't see her as much as usual, but her presence stands out as sweeter than usual nevertheless. she kept me hopeful and smiling despite everything.

we are STILL WRECKED and i just miraculously surfaced from a solid hour of negative dissociation (terrible) so here we are attempting to update.

morning. woke up at 10. oddly lovely outside. decided to just lie in bed with chaos 0 and say the rosary on his aquamarine one.
shockingly non-stressful. took a huge burden of panic off the day itself too, now that the biggest prayer was done.
barely remember getting ready, typical. no idea who fronts during that time or if it's just an automated blur with everyone upstairs (most likely).

went to church at 1130 as usual.
readings hit hard. susanna and the adulterous woman. felt julie AND infi upstairs weeping.
homily had one absolutely killer sentence. we were so brainfogged we barely comprehended it but the core of it struck our heart. exact words were "god is not a divine watchman." he is not waiting for you to mess up so he can punish you. "jesus delights to forgive us" essentially. still reeling from it. we've heard that truth a thousand times but it always sinks in deeper. he did not throw the stone. he never will. boggles the mind

afterwards went to doctor. different guy-- nurse assistant. heavyset dude but in that "soft edged" way that is weirdly safe on guys??? like he was completely rounded off. no edges. but SAFE. why is that not so with adult women? is that just motherfear??
anyway. incredibly amiable, elbow-bumped us twice which was great. very upbeat and bright voiced. honestly an uplifting appointment, that's not something you usually say after a doctor's visit haha. he ordered blood tests: our routine CMP to check for electrolyte levels (we're STILL twitchy), a testosterone check, and a pulmonary function test? because of all this sudden-onset dyspnea. had to drive to other clinic to get it done.
decided to do so. system was a bit unsure but i said dude tomorrow's schedule will be worse. so we went up. walked right in, barely waited two minutes, then this adorable phlebotomist with a krylon red waistlength ponytail, cinnamoroll backpack, plush white jacket, and nazar bracelets called us back. seriously she was SO CUTE.
bruise was out for the blood draw. they are so elusive, only show up for that. they still remember the hospital they were "born" in. can't get their face or overlay but we know it's them. so many foni like that-- rare, vague, but real. honestly i love them. i treasure their existences.
we were really bleeding??? they only took one vial but the needlejab kept bleeding. she asked if we were on blood thinners, we said no, but mentally thought, welp this is what all that black pepper does i guess. made a mental note to cut back geez

went straight home. body starting to feel a little off, unsurprisingly because it was already almost 3 which meant like 18 hours fasting again. man.
looped "yankı" and "teletype" this ENTIRE time btw, mostly the latter. they are our current song addictions. for the record, a song only goes on our looplist when it resonates. so, whatever the state of our heart-mind is currently, those two songs match it. we really should make a list somewhere and keep track of this-- i never realized how much it says about our psyche at any given moment. that's vital information.
for the record, jonathan higgs is ALSO tops on our list of "gender euphoria" voices actually. which seems bizarre because he's alongside liam mckahey and philip kane and ed harcourt and the like, BUT jon has that way of singing that is all hiccupy and gasping breaths and faltering tight vocals and it's gorgeous what the heck. we would love to sound like that when we sing, it's so raw and honest and real. strangely heartfelt. we love it.
also for the record, that IS scalpel's legit singing voice. several 'foni do have external voicematches in song, which is ANOTHER list we have to make, and it's a beautiful thing to hear and realize. it's also so powerful an anchor that it can boost life and love into one's soul to such an extent... i can't find the words but remember, the ONLY reason we even FOUND scalpel was BECAUSE of that one awful beautiful day in CNC when we put "get to heaven" on loop and just tried to run away. and he just woke up for real. totally and tangibly. i will never forget how it felt, in that moment when suddenly his existence was undeniable in our chest, in our mind, in our life. singing with that voice. i think that's our favorite moment from the whole time we were out there, offhand at least. it transcended everything else.

oh man still so much more to type. why are we so ragged tired.
sorry we didn't take notes today, that would have made it easier, but our schedule was a mess.

breakfast prep. honestly the highlight of our day besides mass. everyone is together.
on that note everyone is trying to figure out "jobs" to ensure they are part of it. it sounds silly at a glance, but really it's cooperation. it's living as a family, really. as a community of souls united. it means so much. this new daily normal of friendship and love and conversation is amazing because we could NEVER have this externally. socials CANNOT do this. it is only possible inside. thank God, thank You God for this apartment, for this blessedly rich aloneness, for this quiet outside and joy inside.
quick note on that previous point. one of the "jewels"-- the one who is more of a "mental manager," still unsure if she's a total separate or just a facet of the main dreamwalker-- actually SHIFTED the nia/emma/"sheralene" trio INTO "STORYSPACE"??? not leaguespace, but CLOSE. it's a floatrealm of "potentiality" in which they can exist in a greater context as PEOPLE and not just "fleeting" socials that exist for hyperspecific jobs and then inevitably die when said jobs disappear or are changed. really, roni like that ABSOLUTELY need their own jargon; they are ONLY born when the mind is fractured and/or unstable enough to not be able to cope with changes in context/ behavior/ environment, and needs to hypersegregate functions THAT MUCH in order to function at all. like doppelgangers, though, they are not meant to stick around. theirs are brief lives, and it's effectively impossible to bring them upstairs as a result. they are doomed UNLESS APPARENTLY JEWEL DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
even so. lynne asked her why, was it just out of annoyance with them? like was this action done for an impure reason? jewel said partly, admittedly, but that was only because of the MENTAL EXHAUSTION that was happening from having to suddenly SHIFT TO SOCIAL MODE EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED UP. then we'd have to go back upstairs, then back down, etc. like a whiplash, as we said. jewel said it was getting so excruciating, both in pain and overwhelm, that she had to do something. otherwise we risked tearing the system apart.
so. julie and lynne did the carrots instead, while talking to xenophon who was ghosting, AND listening to the conversation from everyone else upstairs in the background. and THAT showed us something ELSE amazing-- THAT KIND OF "BACKUP" FRONTING PREVENTS DISSOCIATIVE SOCIAL-PROGRAM BEHAVIOR!! when julie is fronting with her overlay in focus, but lynne is at her shoulder upstairs, that combined "external action BUT internal anchor" based on TWO PEOPLE is powerfully solid and it keeps everyone FOCUSED AND REAL. i must emphasize: NOT SO WITH SOCIALS!!! socials are infamous for being so disheveled and blurry-minded that not only can they not resist body impulses or programmed behaviors, they also don't record memories on their own and have NO DEPTH OF IDENTITY. we can apparently bypass ALL that catastrophe by having two people drive this body. so that was a VITAL realization today.

other things...

there was some brief but notable "flirting" between julie and infinitii. there was last night, too, with the chocolate kisses. no one is surprised that those two get along so well, but on the other hand, it's a legit MIRACLE that the both of them are in a position to do so safely and affectionately. they both have the WORST pasts in the entire system, arguably. so it's nice, honestly so, seeing such interactions.

at SOME POINT during prep, i cannot remember what prompted it because we were admittedly dissociating right before, but memory kicks in with scalpel saying, about leon, "i could be his boyfriend" in response to some question. totally guileless, like it was just regular conversation. that endearing obliviousness he has. leon just stopped everything, not looking at him, silent as the impact of those words hit home. laurie effectively said to scalpel "that's a seriously significant function, man, do you really realize what that entails?" and to everyone's surprise, scalpel got serious & noble and said "yeah. it means i'd be there for him, and i'd care for him, and i'd be his constant friend, and i'd love him no matter what. i can do that, if he wants me to." HONESTLY SCALPEL WHAT MOTIVATED THIS.
anyway. i think laurie was responding with a similar "wow okay so i guess you do know what you're signing up for" when suddenly leon turns and throws his arms around scalpel and starts to sob. for his credit, scalpel immediately and strongly returned the embrace with notable earnestness, then asked (with no timidity at all, mind) if he had said something out of place, or jumped the gun, or whatever. leon said no, that was pretty much why he was reacting like this. cannot remember their conversation; that's only right, as it was meant to be more personal, even if everyone was around (that's default up here in any case). i do remember leon weeping over nathaniel at one point. "i miss him so much." scalpel responding to this with utmost warmth by pursuing the topic, gently. just leading statements about nat. "he was such and such... right?" that sort of thing. focus entirely off of himself. just genuine concern & comforting. but geez. it was so sweet to see. also remember that at one point at the beginning, when leon was talking through tears, scalpel responded in comfort by just turning briefly to kiss him on the head, firmly and with utmost compassion. reminded me of laurie, but different underlying vibe. reds are so... geez i keep using the word "guileless." candid. ingenuous. at heart they're totally open. laurie said that they're, amusingly enough, sanguine. which sums it up perfectly really.
so yeah. that happened. it was deeply sweet and honestly jay has been "feeling it" under the radar from leon at least for about a week now if not longer. different with scalpel he says-- warm hues and cool hues hold emotions differently. if you lean blue, you're more quiet, reflective, holding hopes inside, waiting, dreaming, softer, hiding depths. if you lean red, you're more forthright, direct, expressing things openly, being more spontaneous, solid and steady, acting on dreams, warm and bright and simpler. hard to put into words. it's all feeling. of course this varies with tints and shades and people who are "inbetween" like laurie, haha.
but it's really nice. we do need to think and feel about that more. jay's good at getting "vibe" data from people, need better jargon for that too because we don't like the cultural use of that word. frustrating. want to use words like "ether" and "aura" but those have newagey junk associations. ah well. we will think of something.


for the record, because it makes us smile, here's the current breakfast prep gang.
laurie: keeps everyone on track and gives the orders
jay: initial tool & ingredient prep, also broccoli apparently
xenophon: cheerleader, keeps fronters stable, gets bonus food
julie: olive oil, also typically fronts for generalized behavior
lynne: carrots
leon: eggs
knife & razor: cutting up the eggs
scalpel & phlegmoni: cayenne pepper bros
celebi: salt (the "second most important thing," her and julie bantering)
spice: black pepper & cinnamon, also making sure the previous three people don't go crazy
genesis, infi, and chaos 0: hang out upstairs and keep the conversation interesting
galadia: possibly giving her triscuit duty? (right now it's jay & julie)
algorith: straight-up throws the towel on the chair
barry: shows up just to get his name on the list
mimic: stabbing the water bottles
it's great. we love it.
we honestly want to bring more people into this. even if just for that hour or so every morning. that attention is still life-sustaining, loving, and precious. the more we can give to each other, the more time we can share, the better.


ate from like... 330 to 430. cleaned everything up then read the church book club chapters for tonight (we need to read them right before or we will forget from how much else gets memorystored over it).
cannot remember the meeting, as usual. socialmode takes over. we still don't know "who" is in charge. it's a familiar vibe, for sure, but it's still unnamed and uncolored and ungraspable? like that person is completely unpingable outside of her context. honestly though that's typical for socials; they DON'T EXIST UPSTAIRS or it would BREAK THEIR FUNCTION. emphasizing that because it's the opposite of the internal nousfoni. again, hyperspecificity. no bleedover, no blurring.
however, there is vague memory data again where it brushed closely to us.
there was some brief discussion about the "widow's mite" and how we have always lived "on the edge of poverty" so we "felt like the rich religious who gave out of obligation but not out of love"??? surprising. often "too scared to give as much as we wanted" because "afraid we can't pay the bills." except WHO IS SAYING THIS because we are INFAMOUSLY OFTEN BROKE BECAUSE we keep putting so much money into the collection baskets, haha. we love to give to the church. but we do have to be prudent. nevertheless "we have decided in our heart TO GIVE, however much we can, we WILL" without shackling ourself to a dollar sign and making it a cold anxious duty instead of a warmly generous gift.
some vaguetalk about our struggles. afraid of "subtly denying God." peter not denying He existed, but denying their relationship. somehow more fatal that way. little "sins of omission," failing to give details of my "faith," afraid to use His Name, not admitting to mom that we went to church, scared to pray in public. BUT WHY. said we'd never really "investigated" the reasons there and it disturbed us. note to selves: that's our job. ironically the system DOESN'T have religious shame. the socials DO. there's definitely a reason for that but, again, surprisingly, it's not evident at all. so we have to look for it.
other point. wedding at cana. "my dear, why are you telling me this? my hour has not yet come." hearing that spoken with a laugh. as if it had been said in headspace. "beloved, i already noticed!" "i'm not unaware" etc. but lovingly. "i do know, and i do care, don't worry. you don't have to tell me!" and yet, "my hour hasn't come." heard by us as, "believe me, i want to do something, but it's not the right time, not the right place." the whole feeling of "mom i already want to help, don't make it worse!" with a smile. and mary, "do whatever he tells you," leaving the options open. if he says yes or no, do that. i don't know. still meant a lot, that thought. like that's how jesus response to our prayers of worried petition. "we're out of wine; we're out of joy, out of zeal, out of energy." the looming shame, the inability to serve others, the lack of life. jesus looking at us with a smile tugging at his mouth, "how does that involve me?" wanting us to answer. appreciating the asking. i hope so. but already knowing he was going to act. just give him time. do whatever he tells you. even if he saves everything until the last second.

oh yeah. at beginning of meeting the leading woman told us "i was remembering what you said last week, about your friend at bible study, and i was inspired to look up the etymology of the words i kept praying, like "mercy"... it's really enriched my understanding and i want to thank you."
upstairs we were pinged. jay just looked over at mimic with the biggest sappiest grin. mimic was just, stunned. wide-eyed, almost abashed. two mentions of "your friend." and "thank you." and "you helped me." jay made a small but affectionate comment on this, no data of what. but mimic replied briefly in the astounded affirmative. the feeling of "i actually had a positive impact on someone??" and letting himself feel that strange consolation for a moment. like a single star in the night. hope. "this isn't so bad." hard to pick up on his data as he doesn't "globalshare" like a nousfoni. but he isn't as walled-off as he tries to be sometimes still i think. no bones after all. his words can be hard but there's something different deep down.

before i forget. at some point today mimic had a monologue, like he used to. cannot remember about what. but it was positive, although it had its edges of course. i think he was responding to laurie about something. either way he was speaking with serious earnestness and jay says one or two milliseconds of vulnerability. like hypersmall but THERE. the hairline fractures in the armor.

got home for 815. mom called the instant we opened the door.
said she was bringing up food. IMMEDIATE panic response. dissociated into jumbled fragments, could not think or hold conscious identity. unable to do anything as a result.
someone went online looking at pokedex?? all the new ones. profoundly disappointed in the direction the games have gone since xy. no longer "like" the series at all actually. lots of spiritual disagreement with the cultural concepts too, especially the animism and a lot of the stuff behind ghost/ dark/ fairy/ psychic/ fighting type bios. notably remember the dex entries for annihilape and ting-lu. disturbed. realizing how much "occult" and honestly borderline "evil" stuff IS in pokemon. very upset. remembering the real joy it brought us in 2000-2004, and arguably again with xy, and how now it's gone? there's too much that has changed.
still. conflicted. cannot deny the past, ALSO cannot deny that so many core-adjacent folks are legit "attracted to" certain pokemon. celebi is obvious, so are gleam and ventrium, and we have confirmed that it was a GIRL pseudocore that has feelings for galadia!! so that's notable. BUT remember no one talks about skittygirl, or gardevoir, or deoxys, or alakazam. they're all on the "it could happen to you" list haha. and TOSHINSEI is a league of his own, good lord. but that's the point. we can deny and suppress it, which we sadly have, but really we cannot shut that love off, it's impossible, it would require heart-numbing and we ALL see the lethal effects that has, because that's EXACTLY what the system and/or socials did to survive in EVERY OUTSIDE "RELATIONSHIP" TRAP. we don't want that inside. not anymore. problem is there ARE 'foni who exist TO fight affection and love and attraction and everything to do with relationship even in concept. they are the most brutal "not-quite-protectors" and they are POWERFUL because they literally kept our physical body alive by fighting tooth and bloody nail against those very real dangers in the past.
that's a whole topic that we need to discuss soon actually. the relationship aversion and how pervasive it has become in the wake of the most recent traumas. and yes they ARE traumas, you said yourself, if you can't run and can't cope and feel like you're going to die and after that's all you want to do, yes it is trauma. even if you playacted like it was okay. even if you won't admit you were scared to death even now. numbing out and wearing plastic smiles doesn't mean it's not traumatic. genuinely caring for the other person and wanting to live for them doesn't mean it's not traumatic when the process of doing so effectively eviscerates you. cnc was existentially horrifying. forgive the common phrase, it's the truth. it was the ultimate unresolvable war between morality and obligation, between affection and self-preservation, between identity and other. it didn't snap us in half, it shattered us like blownglass flung onto concrete. irreparable. and yet god we hope there's still a miracle of healing waiting somewhere, somehow. cannot reconcile the love with the terror. remembering how bad our addictions got. remembering how actively suicidal we were. remembering how we don't remember most of anything and didn't want to. et cetera.
can't deal with that tonight good lord how did we get on this subject. oh yeah. pokemon. isn't that tragically fitting.
nevertheless. so interesting to note that they are NON-CORE relationships for the most part. the core is always connected to chaos 0. ALWAYS. it is the sole most important and intrinsic criterion. but. pseudocores weirdly tend to gravitate to pocket monsters. is this because of their constancy in our life? is it because that is the world the original jewel, the first true core, used as her own anchor and launchpad? there's so much to wonder about.
anyway, that's what makes us even more sad that we haven't been able to play the games in almost ten entire years. and looking at the new pokedexes, we might not even want to. they don't feel like we know them, or could know them, anymore. they feel totally alien to us.
(one notable exception. remember the 2021 hospital girl and her OBSESSION WITH CALYREX. no one has typed about that besides her and no one has read her journal. FIX THAT.)
nevertheless. someone still wants to save up money, buy a celebi gba at last, find new-battery cartridges of silver & ruby and just... relive that joy. we miss it so much, honestly sometimes it's unbearable. which is shocking.
would you believe that is one of the ONLY things that will ALWAYS make the body cry? when we remember our old games, our old teams of 'mons, and how we lost them to cnc, how someone gave them away like they were worthless, how much we miss them... it could make us weep. there was SO MUCH LOVE in those games. god how did we never cherish that fact? how did the hyperreligious 'foni never realize that truth?
God i honestly could cry. i wonder if TBAS still has them. i wonder if they carelessly erased our data. what a horrible thought. what awful death. i don't think we could handle that. but it's a possibility.
stupid impossible dream hoping desperately that one day, we could get them back. one day, we could ask them, somehow, and get the games back. we could see our dearly loved friends again. all of them. i could name them all by heart.
god it aches so much.
nevertheless. jewel says, gently but with conviction, "there's always the league." "i can thread their souls into there," she says. "i won't let them die. i can give them a life bigger than what they had even then."
oh lord we hope so. we hope so. we should. give them lives of their own, free from this progressively mutating brand, keep them resonant with our heart and just as close. give them not just a restored present but a new future.
i think that would help us all.
there's so much unprocessed grief. i'm glad i realized this.

mom showed up around 845 i think. only stuck around for like 30 seconds. handed us the food and left. busy as always. god bless her though.
thank god it wasn't much food because we were terrified for some reason. felt damaged lotophagoi around the edges screaming in panicked fear. nousfoni trying to push through but brainfog was immense. literal terror from the smell of it. why? what was it triggering?
someone chewspit it all within two minutes. almost crying from fear. wanted it gone as soon as possible.
only data is from small chocolate chip cookies mom sent. julie immediately pinged. "uh oh, those are dangerous." like alarm bells. told us to be super careful or "very bad things could happen"
someone brushed teeth, we started to calm down and hard-depersonalize to recover (typical response), which detached us from the body and allowed headspace to come back online as it were.
someone washing dishes. we were still shaking and scared. as a result couldn't move body well and slipped, ended up splashing dishwater all over the counter, and into our actual food. had to throw it all out and start over. thank God it was just stuff we had prepped before the book club; easily fixed. but the problem was time. it was 9PM ALREADY. we were getting so weak and dizzy from only having ~900K the entire day.
jay and julie randomly sharing cleanup duty, while some terrified religious 'foni kept saying that "this is punishment for wasting mom's food. now god wasted ours, so we know how it feels." we solemnly agreed that this was correct. humbling and convicting. decided that from now on we can't "save her feelings" and instead flat-out say NO we don't want any food, yes we love you mom and we appreciate your caring generosity but we cannot accept this in good conscience because we need to take these dangerpanic responses seriously. if we take it there will only be disaster. it's not good. it's morally corruptive to pretend otherwise.
anyway. environment inside and out such a mess jay couldn't front. so JULIE DID.
honestly it is UNREAL how EASILY AND POWERFULLY SHE FRONTS. someone commented on this.
she responded by reminding us that, during the long-ago "julie days," this is what she wanted: complete control of our body. except back then, she wanted it to do "terrible things," to us and to others, she admitted ruefully. but now... there she was, taking care of the body, frankly better than anyone else, AND the only person to NOT get crushed to death by the dyspho/dysmo hell. she was just... fine. unfazed. "at home" even. she still cannot look in mirrors, or at the body itself-- that is still existentially jarring and it will shove even her out instantly-- but she can be IN it, as we do other things, without any trouble. it's miraculous, no exaggeration. we're so so grateful for her.
i remember she was "co-fronting" with lynne again. she kept inviting the breakfast crew around, even for a few seconds here and there, to get us all to stop shaking from stress and feel together again. which was really sweet and nice. she was also brave/brazen enough to eat one or two pieces of things out of bags and bowls, without any binge impetus, or carelessness. she said "i decided i wanted a piece" and that was that. also new kitchen rule is that if you are fronting and you ARE going to eat a piece of something in the kitchen, you MUST share it with xenophon. this keeps everyone accountable, and also helps prevent dissociative socials from showing up. plus xenophon takes her job seriously! she WILL call you out if you're acting unstable.

can't remember dinner. jay coming back in to read psalm 102 with mimic. remember him saying "well this is relevant." note that jay STILL "identifies" with honest pain despite the whitecore "sparkly-eyed" stereotype. he shares in the system suffering personally. his heart is apparently, intrinsically, still red. this is good. that shows he's not rotten inside like lotus ended up.

oh. jay says to write one thing. when he was cleaning up the kitchen and the body kept dissociating, the religious 'foni pushed us into floatspace. they kept "apologizing to God" frantically "i'm sorry for wasting mom's food i know that's why you punished us i'm sorry please don't kill us what can i do to make it better" and. the response they got was literally FROM THE CROSS. "it's all right. i know you're sorry and i forgive you. i've already paid the price for your sin. just don't do that anymore."
the girl felt the awful weight of that. even something as small as her wasting was a sin, a crime against love, and it must be atoned for. but she couldn't do it. only He could. and He was doing so, paying that price completely, with His Blood. right there. right now. and we knew we were responsible. we knew the gravity of sin and it was unbearable.
and suddenly, mimic was standing there too. he was a little ways away, wide-eyed with shock, looking up at the cross. tears streaming down his face. he turned to look at us then. "is that what it means??"
they had a conversation. all blood and nails. the Lamb and the octopus. we cannot remember it, it's all terrible painful gritted-teeth emotion, anger regret sorrow rage guilt confusion horror. and in response, patience compassion forgiveness justice mercy. despite the gored wrists. despite the bloodsunk eyes.
trying to just walk away. couldn't do it. trying to take the money and run but couldn't. the momentous exigency of the fact almost intolerable. "this is the freedom you wanted, isn't it?" paid in blood. and now what? how do you walk your old way knowing this? it leaves a wound. it haunts. the freely given death to save a life not even worth living, suddenly giving it that option. unbelievable. scared furious with the burden of selflessness. struck to the heart by the undeniable personal investment placed in him. hopelessly undeserving but nevertheless. admitted as the sordid felon he was and yet. take it or leave it. life or death. but it changes you.
remember clearly one line from the cross. one bleeding tender response to the why.
"because i don't want you to die."
simple profundity. broke everything in half.
whole scene stopped suddenly when we got back into the apartment. no idea what happened next inside or outside.

julie got us ready for bed.
she did all the kitchen cleanup. she kept nibbling on raisins and triscuits and carrots, but mindfully so? reassuring xenophon that she was only doing so because "this poor body really needs some more food" and we had barely hit 1400k for the day. "besides we won't be able to eat until at least 2pm tomorrow" so she wasn't worried. but she shared every bit, and kept talking to headspace, and stayed accountable and responsible and respectful.
she got really thrown off by the mirror at one point. commented pointedly how disturbing it was to "not see yourself in it." but she strongly pulled her overlay back in and kept going. god bless her she is LITERALLY keeping us alive lately in this unstable core period

tomorrow is church, adoration hour, then come home and eat, then actually an hour of freetime? maybe we can read or rest. but then go to church to clean up for holy week possibly, and if not, then just to the prayer & song service after. then home and eat dinner and type and sleep when it's all done.
exhausted, for real. but... deep down there's a joy. it's anchored in our faith and in our heartfamily. we're very grateful.


what else
nothing? long day. very tired . need slepe sleep oh hi! i'm back!
um nothing to write though. jay says he wants rl really wants to write about chaos 0. not tonight too much typing and also brain shift. too tired too much time. im tired too but say hello. hello!
okay that's it. oh wait no alsos ay we want to archive more post hospital book writing more. says it helps us love each other more. yes it does thats good!! but no time lately. too much outside body things. but learning he says? not as scary as used to. people helping. living in it together oh wow! thats good im glad that show it shoud be i think
okay. i barely type. front. cannot stay. tired! bye

 
(unfinished, disjointed)

Therapy this morning
tried emdr "eye movement" thing
PANIC ATTACKS. kept wondering why. wanted to throw up. body started shaking.
realized it's because it's the SAME "eye-darting" movement we do when we're HYPERVIGILANT and "scanning for danger"
she keeps wanting us to "visualize your safe space" dammit there is no such thing, not even inside, the tar or plague can attack you anytime.
the only safe place is next to laurie's axe

230pm breakfast???
by the time we got home and calmed down it was so late
body wrecked. we're just so exhausted emotionally though

oh and mom called like immediately after
said get in the car i got 4pm tickets to see AVATAR
so we went. best thing to do today is just forget about physical reality for three solid hours

honestly GREAT DECISION
what a movie. very immersive. love the whales.
big focus on family though. triggered a lot of stuff for us.
so disturbed too by the gender issues. why is that haunting us so much.
whole movie kept thinking "what does it mean to be a man" "what does it mean to be a father" "i wouldn't feel like i belonged in ANY of these groups" totally alienated and shaken up. felt wrong and invisible and sick

mom and her boyfriend literally got up and left the second the credits came on the screen
we said wtf, we need to process and decompress, why are you rushing out????? what the hell
genesis & i sat there and just watched the words roll, theater emptied out fast, people were legit pointing and laughing at us "hey the movie's over weirdo" whatever dude there is a very particular peace to an empty theater and the credits and the music. like waking up from a dream. key part of the experience.
mom has no chill though she kept yelling and waving "it's over hurry up" wtf calm down
she talked ALL through the movie too we had to angrily "SSHHH" her several times, it was disturbing. like she DOESN'T GET IMMERSED???? she just talks and comments and eats??? does she even experience the movie? what the hell is her brain even doing

best thing about seeing movies though
IMAGINING HEADSPACE STUFF WITH THE FICTION LAG
we often lose chunks of time during the film because of dissociation haha but it's worth it
FIGHT SCENES WITH LAURIE & INFI & CHAOS 0
honestly it... it was amazing. we all felt so real.
i felt like myself. that almost NEVER happens anymore.
all white hair and crazyeyes. sheer RED powers. using infi's feathers as cupid arrows. et cetera. chaos so gorgeous to see, all that water, mental clarity boosted from seeing the film. laurie using her oft-forgotten "gravity" powers, using everything purple to power-up like she does in dreams, metal can't hurt her she just grafts it into her axe. infi in absolute mad-enamored mode. beautifully terrifying. ze & i practically symbiotic in that state. i forgot how close we were until i felt that, the both of us high on blood & love to the point where our colors were melting together.
man this is the sort of stuff jewel used to do "write-outs" for in high school. i miss this. so much.

mom just loves living late i don't get it, does she never sleep???
got home at 845. thank god we had prepped food earlier
Dinner at 9
of course couldn't go right to sleep so we planned to stay up late.
went on OLD computer

Reading old entries about Rio & Markus 
So much old love
SHOCKED at how shameless the Jewel was about her emotions back then (2005)????? like she had NO self-loathing or self-disgust at ALL. she was in love and she was happy and she expressed that openly. now if i even try i want to eviscerate myself. i use those pronouns very loosely, i am aware that only a core can express love and the cores cannot be in the body without being corrupted or opposed, even typing, because they're "too emotional" and that's "stupid and wrong and evil and disgusting"
how did this happen???

lots of amusing comments too though, while reading. shenanigans upstairs from the gang
Genesis and the shopping cart 

as i was reading I randomly realized Leon is Noel backwards, Laurie thought this was hilarious
she called him down to pester him affectionately about this and ultimately they ended up shoving each other into snowbanks in good fun
leon is... changing. in a good way. but odd. he's really moving solidly into indigo, and that particular vibe. he was leaning blue for too long, it wasn't healthy. i notice laurie is healthier too when she leans violet.

Mimic pinged when reading about Davy
jewel out with me, emotionally flustered; she didn't want to talk about it, can't get into that memoryspace
i'm half asleep and i accidentally said to mimic "Get some sleep man I love you"
he stopped looked at me "what"
i kind of froze haha, laurie absolutely elated, immediately calls me out "dude we ALL heard you"
still mimic almost blew it off. unsurprisingly. brusque banter with him about it
at some point i remember commenting "do I have to break you"
"Is that a threat"
i said "yeah, yeah it is" no idea what i was talking about but my subconscious does i guess
forget the conversation BUT as he leaves he just states "I do still remember that dream you know"
ONE WALL DOWN???
LAURIE GOT OUT THE CHAMPAGNE 

Julie showed up to talk a bit

Lots of core switching while reading, inevitably

Earlier Julie TRIED to hold her OLD COLOR (yellow hair, blue eyes)
Wreckage WARPED in instantly, nearly attacked her
Julie said go ahead, she'd rather get hurt & recover than let the Tar get away w/ imitating her

thinking that Laurie's color shifting WITH CORES???
more violet with the cannons, more purple with the jays??? slightly different roles needed???

Marigold & Jeremiah showed up?? was that because of wreckage?
marigold is like the walking dead, she's in shock. all the kids are so disturbed
she can't talk right now. she's aware and responds but it's so bleary. thousand yard stare

Knife kissing Laurie's head when she was unstable earlier he's such a sweetheart
hurts though to see her so chronically unsteady though. so far the only thing that helps IS pushing her more violet. need to keep reviewing the old days with her. get her true soulvibe back, not what it was corrupted into through socialization function shattering

Wreckage & Laurie arguing a lot about protecting others 
no animosity though. they're legit close friends. but that's how they show it really
genuine conversation. really moving to see tbh

ALENA & JACK IN MIRRORS STILL!!!

CANNOT be myself in the body
Body vibe persona is CORRUPT and NOT ME AT ALL
THIS is what is causing the 3rd person internal perspective ESPECIALLY IN DREAMS
please please type about this in depth it is SO DISTURBING but it explains SO MUCH

btw breakfast was Holy innocents & 1 John 2 Bible study
 
finding new music on spotify?

Library stop after therapy got some animated movies 
there are SO MANY i've never even heard of, so it's exciting

Typing in spices from UPMC into old computer, idea from mom
overwhelming. not sure if we're going to use it but it's one paper down at least

the thought haunting me all day:
Who am I really?

nowhere to park! had to park in the gas station lot across the street. offhandedly mentioned this to therapist as an explanation as to why we were a few minutes late, and bless this woman she said "oh i don't want you to be towed, let me see where you're parked and maybe i can find a better spot for you?" so she TOOK US OUTSIDE and when we pointed out the car in the lot, she WENT INTO THE GAS STATION and flat-out asked the manager if "my colleague" could park there. they said yeah, that's fine, and we went back to the office. but GEEZ OKAY SUDDEN PROMOTION, haha. laurie was teasing me about it. yeah it was just for the sake of appearances, but still. it felt weirdly nice, to momentarily feel like we had a purpose. like we meant something to other people. not just another "sick in the head" patient. want to think about that feeling more, what it entails, what it brings up.

i'm having one of those evenings.

It's been a weird day.
I was woken up by a sudden phone call from my mom at 8:30, after barely 6 hours of hellish sleep and near-hacks, in which she told me that my sis/bro had finally gotten a job, and she had their work clothes and some extra food in her car, but she was at work and they started their job at noon and the only way to get the stuff delivered was for me to drive up and do it. i said absolutely, jumped out of bed, threw on an outfit and got on the road.
i was barely conscious, really. not very safe to drive! but i was determined. mom packed up the car, i delivered them to my sibling (they're still wearing the exact same outfit they were wearing over two months ago. no shoes. clothes torn. my heart kinda broke) along with some extra toiletries, meds and food that i packed, and wished them the absolute best. their affect was still totally flat. i wonder if they hate "me." technically i broke the restraining order by not only going there but talking to them, but honestly i don't care they're family and they needed help. the court can kiss our collective ass if they think we're going to forego compassion because of a piece of paper. it has its purpose but this isn't it.

anyhow. mum told us there was a "library sale" going on at the mall down the street, and gave us ten entire dollars for it?? so when we drove away from our sibling's apartment, of course i called genesis over, and asked "do you want to go to the mall--" to which i got a "YES" before i finished the sentence, haha. honestly that's why i asked; we used to just chill together like that all the time when we were younger. so even though i was tired and hungry i wasn't going to pass that up.
the first thing i saw was the first 3 deltora quest books. those had been definitive for my sibling and i when we were in late elementary school; we had so many injokes around them, and the series lore got into our personal world more than a little. honestly i considered buying them but thought, no, they also have dvds and i'd rather grab those. (tomorrow i should get paid from ssi; if i have some cash left after getting groceries i'll totally swing by and grab the books though. i think we have $5 and $8 up the house?) so gen and i started looking. of course i'm talking out loud to him this whole time, but he keeps giving me this stern look and saying "jewel, you're dissociating." which i really was. sleep deprivation and post-purge starvation plus sudden running around in public places equals my brain is not working at all. again, thank God for Genesis. so he kept calling me out and bringing me back centered, as much as he could. it meant so much. honestly dude i know i was a mess but thank you, i love you, honestly i'd be so lost without you keeping me constant company in social settings since 2005. you're one of the biggest blessings in my entire life and i treasure every moment with you. even dissociated ones as i peruse the used dvd section in the middle of a mall, haha.
but! we found our THREE most definitive childhood films-- ferngully, we're back, and the secret of NIMH. i bought the first two because i actually have the third on DVD thanks to goodwill, but i was not passing up the opportunity to FINALLY watch those other two beloved movies again. i did see several other movies i considered buying-- notably inception and the shape of water-- but those were so important to headspace that if we did buy them, they would have to be special editions. not two-dollar secondhand markered-up copies, as oddly sweet as owning such a thing is. however! we found a SUPER RETRO care bears book-- the same kind they have at the daycare at the oblates! i immediately grabbed it, haha. haven't read it yet but i plan to tomorrow. i love the original care bears; i'm not a fan of the reboots (the more infected they get by pop culture the more they seem to lose the "heart" that drew me to them initially) but the 80s-90s stuff is great.
last problem: i kept losing things. i had to run back out to the parking lot because i actually dropped my money in the doorjamb, and kept misplacing my keys in my pockets. sleep deprivation is wild.
oh that reminds me. we parked beneath the boscovs and took the escalator up because there are so many childhood-vibe memories there, it was nice to just pass through it. but the instant we got off the escalator there was a mannequin with this silver-sequin dress? and genesis randomly comments "i'd wear that." and asked if i was gonna buy it for him. i asked if he was joking and he said of course, but still, he'd wear it. lord knows where he comes up with these things. but if i do go back to buy those books, i'm gonna take a photo of it and draw him in it, there you go.
i would try it on for the heck of it, but... body dysphoria is literal hell. and it's been so bad today. hence my current devastating depression. but we'll get to that.
we talk too much. we babble a lot in public as we were taught to by BOTH our mother and grandmother growing up, which we've mentioned before. we were raised to "chat with the camera" that was always pointed at us, or to "entertain" our parental figures and siblings, et cetera. but we were expected to talk. it's exhausting. but i can't turn it off cold; thankfully i can reroute it and just talk to genesis or xenophon or whoever else wants to ghost with me that day or in that place. i thank God for ghosters too; when i'm in "social mode" it often locks me out of headspace which is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING so having someone show up to walk and talk beside me is literally such a relief i could cry. it means so much to me.
it's ALSO the only reason i'm surviving in this apartment now, i'm tempted to say no thanks to umpc, but no, that's too cruel language. i'm just... bitter today. i have to admit it. again, "we'll get to that." gotta write down basic daily events first because i keep slacking off in journaling because of depression and i need to just power through it right now.

so. we got two dvds and a book, got back in the car, and left. while i was at the red light exiting the parking lot, i remember just feeling trapped in entertainer/social mode and being so, so wrecked by it. i was trying to listen to chaos 0's spotify playlist and i couldn't BECAUSE "social mode" makes me incapable of blueshift emotions and when i try to feel them it causes self-loathing. i become too aware of how incompatible my "social self" IS with deeper feelings, and it just... makes me hate myself. it's toxic, this public persona garbage. literally lethal.
i don't remember how i got through it. i don't even remember driving. i know i did keep some music on, and i was inevitably talking to genesis, but... no memories. that's sadly not surprising.

on the way home, i decided to stop at walmart to pick up a box of cereal with the extra $5 we had saved from mom, because that's a staple food and we had no other money. again, no memory of being in the store, but genesis got us in and out quickly.
then we went to redners because we decided that we were going to return the pasta we bought immediately post-inpatient, as it was an "obligation food" and we were not going to eat it by choice; plus, not only does it take too long to prepare, but we have "trauma" from both cooking accidents AND old binges with pasta and we really don't need panic attacks every time we see the boxes in the cupboard. lastly they're too hard to properly portion and measure anyway, and they don't fit our dietplan without having to replan everything. so back to the shelves they went, which gave us like $7.50 in foodstamps back, thank God, so we immediately bought two powerade (for emergencies) and a bag of carrots, which was about $4.50? then we ran over to aldi, grabbed a pack of raisins for spinny (redners wanted a whole extra dollar for the exact same amount, geez) and a single avocado and got out of there within like two minutes.
our only problem? talking to the cashier. she asked us "how we were doing" and we, like the boundary-less idiot we are, replied that we were exhausted but happy since we'd been "running errands for the family/ies since 8:30 this morning" and mentioned our sibling getting a job and giving them stuff. almost offhandedly. just being honest. but it felt so wrong to say, like we were "boasting," and that only hit me AFTER "we" said it. that made us genuinely miserable. "well, God's not going to bless you for that now, because you told someone about it! good job, you arrogant asshole." and that just... made us feel like, what's the point then? if we keep publicizing the good we do? if people keep noticing it and thanking us and saying "you're such a nice/ kind/ good person?" does all that equal damnation and shame in God's eyes? i don't ask for it, i don't want it, but yeah it is nice because it makes me feel like gee, maybe I'm NOT the scum of the earth after all; maybe i'm NOT a hideous monster that ruins everything it touches; maybe I'm NOT pure irredeemable evil after all? but even feeling grateful for the sweet comments we get makes us feel filthy and ugly and wrong because you're "delighting in the praise of MEN instead of GOD." ...but "we are but unprofitable servants; we have done only what we were expected to do." which is true. but... even if i don't want to be thanked, i still... selfishly want to feel like i did do something good? and right? which is junk. "virtue is only virtue in extremis." i need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
when i buy food for the family, i keep the receipts a secret. i sneak the food into the house. i don't tell them it's from me. i hate when people find out. i like to secretly buy people gifts and leave them on desks and slip them under doors and i don't want to be noticed or thanked; i just want them to be happy and to feel loved and cared for. it's not about me. if you do make it about me i will probably try to eviscerate myself because NOW the "good deed" has become pride and that's worthy of annihilation, good job you idiot, you're "only doing this for attention" etc.

self-loathing is off the charts today.

got home around noon. i think? late. too late.
head was a blur. laurie and xenophon had to keep me on track just to stay conscious enough to make breakfast. i remember vacuuming first and scalpel was talking with knife about something and lynne is still sticking around, and of course julie-- it's so good to have her part of the daily crew and not hiding all the time like she used to-- but... i couldn't pull myself together.
breakfast was at like 1:05. we didn't get done until almost 2 because i kept trying to do the bible study at the same time and wasn't accomplishing either. so i set it aside and just focused on eating mindfully, or as much as i could. that way we wouldn't trigger that tragic trauma response of "i don't remember eating, and if i don't remember something it means i dissociated, and dissociation usually means trauma, so we probably experienced trauma with the food, which means it NEEDS TO GET OUT" and then binge/purge cycles happen. it's so sad and bizarre how trauma triggers cause binges first out of a feeling of helpless devastation. like, "i'm already ruined and violated; i might as well just perpetuate it"??? or something? it's a feeling of forced addiction and the nousfoni that act on it are TERRIFIED and have told us multiple times that they WANT IT TO STOP but they "can't." they feel trapped. and that's heartbreaking. so we're trying so hard to help them now, and to talk to them.

...laurie's function-warping disaster is causing some really weird side effects when she tries to stop them. since she doesn't want to go back to her ultraviolent walls-up-everywhere state of mind, like she was when she was created, she hesitates to use force lately? it's so strange. but she'll try to talk them out of it, and reason with them, but she can't force them to stop and when they hysterically insist on "please let me just finish this" or "just a few more minutes" not out of any genuine want but out of that panicked obsessive ritualistic loop, she... doesn't fight them. she goes almost on standby and i THINK that's being caused BY her function cracking BUT what happens is that, instead, she feels what they're feeling. i have NO IDEA WHY. genesis and i later sadly surmised that it might be because I'M not doing MY job, as the "heart" of the System, and so Laurie is once again taking on all the "empty jobs" herself in her absolute driving determination to be everything for everyone, to be THE system protector, in an almost universal sense. 
but... geez it is unreal to see. maybe it's her purple color working; xenophon is honestly the same, and SO IS MARKUS to be honest with you. purples have this strange ability to reach people, to understand when others don't. xenophon can argue with the e.d. nousfoni and they will LISTEN to her. they can FEEL THINGS when they talk to her. that is UNHEARD OF. in all our years of fighting this war, i think the closest we ever got to that was with zucche in NC? when chaos 0 was fighting with her over that, too. but his function in the system IS emotional sincerity so obviously his involvement could get even an e.d. nousfoni to reconsider their actions, even momentarily. but xenophon somehow takes it further, differently? she can DIALOGUE with them. she gets so sad and she actually cries and shouts but she's just hurt, and the eating voices hurt WITH her? whereas Laurie is doing that in reverse now? it's fascinating as much as it is worrisome. i don't want laurie losing herself in this. there are some things-- many things, actually-- that SHE needs to be protected from, and... she hasn't been doing that. she's pushing herself too hard and taking on roles that she CANNOT hold without shattering, so the rest of us NEED to get our butts back to work so that things CAN run the way they're meant to.
...man. how many years has it been since the crash-reset? five? and we're only NOW starting to "turn the power back on?" we're only now starting to resurrect and communicate and LIVE? geez. honestly i don't even remember the past five years offhand. like at all.
hence all the archiving i'm dedicated to doing lately. still, we haven't touched that stuff yet. but we will.

i'm getting a legit headache. and i'm dizzy. really need to sleep. why is our body hungry again we ate a 700k dinner at 730, we should not be this hungry three hours later.
well geez, i think to myself, maybe if you didn't bike for two solid hours you wouldn't be.
but. like i said earlier. dysmorphia.

after breakfast i don't remember what we did. around 3pm i did get on the bike. i was going to watch the "steamboy" movie our mom got us for christmas like ten years ago but we never watched, but i felt guilty about "not watching something religious" so i found a goodwill dvd i bought of "jacob and joseph" that was like exactly 92 minutes long? which is perfect workout time. so i put it on.
...i have not had that much trauma directly triggered in a LONG TIME.
i was legitimately disturbed. i did NOT expect that from a bible story movie. there was so much jarring stuff-- so much genuinely frightening behavior, mostly from the WOMEN, that i legit stopped biking a few times because i wanted to throw up. i was THAT shaken.
i don't want to talk about it, at all. i really don't. i felt sick. the way people behaved, and spoke about each other, and treated each other... i kept trying to find the silver lining. "God is clearly showing us WHY He doesn't want people to do such things." well boy howdy he sure is, seeing that stuff so starkly presented made me want to upchuck my bloody intestines. honestly i threw the dvd in a donation bag as soon as it ended. i was shaking. what the heck. at least there were good points in there, legit shows of virtue and forgiveness and kindness, despite all the awful behavior. i guess that's human life. God knows my life is one hellishly ugly mess, too.

...the bike logged exactly 110 minutes by the time i quit. adding in all the running around the mall i did earlier-- yes, actual running, to and from the car; i rarely walk-- that's about 2 solid hours of exercise. xenophon insisted i eat dinner immediately, so we got it ready and ate around 730, like i said. we immediately did the dishes and turned out the lights, and i realized that IF i front and LEGIT DISSOCIATE while I'M there, the binge voices CAN'T SHOW UP because we're "NOT IN THE BODY." so that's a HUGE new development, thank God.
i made a shopping list for tomorrow (we're out of meds mostly), took out the garbage, said the wall-prayers by choice (haven't done so since before the hospitalization; we were using them as "punishment" almost at that time so it felt wrong to "force" them), and then went onto the other laptop for a while with the intention of backing up our phone files.
...bad idea.
yes, i did have to back up the data. but i made the HUGE mistake of listening to a file i had recorded of myself singing in church? and i was so unbearably ashamed of my voice. not only that, but the fact that i HAD recorded it just screamed "proud-ass arrogant bitch" and i deleted it and went into a depressive spiral.
then i made an even bigger mistake. i looked through our saved photos.
there... there were photos of tbas. with that face that scared us. immediate terror trigger. god why were we so afraid of them so often? we have like TWO memories of such sweet expressions they gave us on two VERY specific incidents and we loved who they were in those moments BUT in so many other moments they legitimately scared us so much. there is SO MUCH CONFLICT there. we're... we still feel so used and violated and broken and horrified by what we apparently let them do to us. so much acting and dissociating and forced forgetting and self-abuse on our part. i know they started picking up on it the closer we got to bailing. but... it went on for so bloody long. the suicide attempts were the worst. we'd never felt so hopeless in our whole entire life. i STILL don't know how we got that good of a poker face, with all the memories i have literally feeling JAILED in our own head, like looking out from barred windows 20 feet away, at a body that is doing and saying things WE DON'T WANT, and us feeling such pain and RAGE and even hatred, but never showing it??? like how many times they would say something to us and we would smile but inside we were SCREAMING AND SOBBING and how did we never express that???? no wonder the eating disorder got so bad. it was our only way of expressing and acknowledging the HELPLESS FEAR and SELF-VIOLENCE we were constantly feeling.
it's a mess. not going to think about that.
oh. but there was a photo of us, too. recent. one we hadn't seen before. it was when we bought that purple cotton button-up from goodwill and cut half of it off so it was a "crop top"? whatever you'd call that. but we were GORGEOUSLY THIN. and yes i use that emphatic language because i legit CRIED. our body was PERFECT. we were thin and muscular and small and god i never realized just HOW beautiful it looked. it sounds horrible to say that. but honestly now, well we put on 30 pounds and we are so bloated and fat, we're not muscular anymore and we can't wear anything revealing like that anymore because it would look lecherous. it's gross and disgusting. it's enough to drive me to despair. it does, sometimes.
isn't that stupid? to value the appearance of this body so much? but i'm being honest. part of me says "you idolized it too much, you wanted to be perfect and thin and beautiful, and you were, but God TOOK THAT FROM YOU so you would be humiliated and ground into the dirt, now no one will see beauty in you, now you look like a whore, now you don't deserve love because you're misshapen and WRONG." like honestly a BIG part of our brain back then would see our thin body and think, "i'm worthy of love now. i'm capable of love now." whereas this fatass body we have now is INCAPABLE of love and respect, and we feel so dirty and whorish and gross, i look in the mirror and i weep. what happened??? where the HECK did all this fatphobia come from??? is that all because of the abuse? of the women with "womenly bodies" god i want to SCREAM AND SOB AND KILL EVERYTHING, JUST TO MAKE IT STOP,
it's not worth it. it's not worth it at all.
except looking that perfect meant being 90 freaking pounds and we COULDN'T SURVIVE LIKE THAT. laurie and chaos 0 both keep reminding me that "gaining this weight saved our ass" and i have to admit yeah it did, we're STILL UNDERWEIGHT even now, even if this body looks unbearably disgusting.
but i'm working out, now. i'm gonna get muscular and i'll be STRONG and i can HELP PEOPLE and PROTECT PEOPLE and i can FIGHT if i need to. i couldn't before. i became so shamefully weak and cowardly and selfish. not anymore. look at this morning. i can BURN again, like this. oh yes i wanted to, being thin, but it just made me ice. i was too tired and cold and depressed. starving our body to death out of fear, out of this desperate desire to be clean and pure and untouched. and physically we looked it. we honestly did. but... our body was still dying.
now, we're alive. now, the war has started again. now, we're fighting hacks and overrides and all sorts of nightmarish things. daily life is a struggle. but at least we're all together again and i would rather bleed in the arms of someone i love inside then to be alone and pretty and just drifting through "life" outside. in the end, if that body is what i had to sacrifice in order to see my daughter again, and to dream of chaos 0 again, and to spend days with genesis again, and to find everyone who was lost again... well, to be honest, as insane and terrifying as it sounds to say this, i'd go through another 10 weeks of hospitals for their sake. in the end that's what it boils down to.
...in the end, i need to stop thinking that this body is me. it's not. yeah i try to make it match but it can't and it won't. it's deeply disturbing and it drives me to tears but i need to accept it. skin and bones and blood will change even if my soul doesn't. and how the body looks and feels doesn't define me as a person, ESPECIALLY not morally. it's so hard to accept, weirdly. there are too many direct ties between the body and trauma and sheer evil. too much agony tied to looking and feeling certain ways. but... inside, the true me, isn't defined by it. i've been trying to tell "myself" that since i first realized the body was changing, around 2003. i remember how scared we were back then. that hasn't changed, for the most part. still. gotta accept it sometime. i want to. it's just terrifying.
...i honestly do feel incapable of goodness, when i look and feel like this.
oh geez and it was WORSE seeing some old hospital & church photos of how we looked with LONG HAIR post-NC. now THAT was disturbing. we looked like a total stranger. it shook me to the core. who the heck WERE we??? who WAS that, living like that for so long??? we have no clue. seeing that weird ugly face... it always looked so hollow. THAT was the scariest part. every single photo of us with that hair looked fake. like there was no person behind those eyes. i wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't. we didn't have an inner life during that time, after all, so who the heck were we, really?
...but yeah. it wrecked me. i was trying to find calming pictures but kept hitting landmines in the process. i was trying to show xenophon some of the pictures i had saved of chaos 0-- her "other dad"-- but even looking at him made me feel worthless and hideous and detestable. like "who in the world am i to care about him? as ugly and gross as i am? you think you're capable of love? you think anyone would WANT to love you? you fool. you stupid whore. no one loves you, and you're an idiot for "feeling" like you do. it's laughable. it's a joke. if anyone found out that YOU, you bland-ass average joe, you transgender freak, you screwed-up prostitute reject, "loved" him, you'd be mocked and jeered out of the country. you should be ashamed of yourself, you pig. misshapen freaks and faggots like you don't get to love. you deserve to be crushed by the weight of your arrogant sins. stop pretending you're in a relationship. he doesn't want you. he never could. NO one could. you're too loathsome. with all the appalling sins in your past, God Himself probably doesn't want you, either! you're worth nothing but garbage. you'd be better off dead, you grotesque excuse for a human being."
...is literally what my thoughts turned into.

it keeps happening. the self-hatred is unbearable. i don't know what to do about it.


one extremely important note.
i told xennie and laurie and chaos to leave me alone, because i was so ashamed and humiliated from looking at pictures of "myself" and the people i "loved"-- and seeing this unpassable chasm between us, a rift caused by my very existence-- that the very awareness of THEM looking at me made me want to either attack them or kill myself, both actions triggered by the same unbearable self-loathing and disgust and shame.
but. i said a small, desperate prayer, "please if there's someone who can sit with me and keep me safe, someone untouched by all that"-- i'm not even sure what i asked for. i just wanted someone with me who wouldn't set off this downward spiral even further.
...
and then suddenly, waldorf was sitting on the edge of my bed.
for a second i couldn't even speak. she looked just like she did in 2002. all glowy-blue and-- thank GOD-- untouched by her previous mangled stint in headspace, too, where her function became so corrupt that she lost herself.
but no, there she was, with that old vibe that TRULY was her, that "scary" edge that she NEEDS, feeling like the past i wanted to return to so badly i could sob.
but i did feel safe with her. somehow. maybe it was because i knew SHE had known be BEFORE all this horror happened. before all the trauma. before our body became our personal circle of hell.
she disappeared quickly. i don't think anyone else in headspace knows. i don't want them to know. right now i'm in so much emotional pain that i think if people started to "drag waldorf into this" i'd explode. no. leave her alone. leave me alone.
so many of us have been socially corrupted. especially laurie and lynne.
lynne being "pushed" into orange-- she noted today that when she still slips into it, her hair "gets curlier?" it actually changes to match the vibe-- literally killed her, taking her "stability" and "maturity" function root and literally annihilating it. she became someone else and she DIED as a result.
now the same bloody thing is happening to laurie and i will BLEED MYSELF OUT in this living room before i let that happen to her.
but... she suffered from NC more than anyone, arguably. well, besides infinitii. i can't deny that. but laurie lost herself COMPLETELY. SHE ACTUALLY DIED. that was considered IMPOSSIBLE because she was always a sort of anchor FOR the system; her dying was like taking a pickaxe to the motherboard of a computer. once that's gone, EVERYTHING is shot. unfixable. lost.
if she still can't pull herself together...
...
...i do miss the old days. when she would spit blood at me and punch me in the face if i swore. no quarters. no making jokes about things. no "commentary" on the fronters. no. she was a PERSECUTOR PROTECTOR and God help us i miss that so much, i MISS her violet violence, i MISS her oddly colorless skin and knuckles breaking my cheekbones and axe-blades against my neck. i miss the blood and the impact and... i miss her. i miss when she cared enough TO hit me. just like i STILL beg my poor mother to do when i get unhinged. but no one will hit me now that i'm "grown up." which is ridiculous. i need the pain TO feel lovable again, and pure again, and good in the first place. without the blood, i'm wrecked.
i miss the retributors too. God I miss Laurie, I will NEVER forget that first night standing in front of the sink, shaking, with her gripping my arm with one hand and holding a kitchen knife with the other. slicing open the first graves into my arm. i still treasure those scars. they're the part of this body that i love the most. all the scar tissue. all the invisible crosses on this bloated ugly stomach. i miss making it bleed, the last time it looked like this.
i remember the day that knife and razor and algorith and mulberry (because she did start as a retributor) sat on the edge of our old bed and cut our legs open. i miss the time algorith named herself the "cleanup crew" in the bathroom, holding a white washcloth covered in blood. i miss knife, sweet knife, holding his namesake and tearing our shoulder open. i miss razor's maniacal laughter as she slashed row after row of hideously beautiful gaps into our thighs with an x-acto knife, the same one we took to art class, watching the skin and muscle split and flood red like a painting. no one cut deeper than her. her scars are my favorites. i miss them.
...I miss Laurie. the old Laurie. the REAL Laurie. not how she is now, her color constantly shifting, her words unsure, her presence flickering. no. i miss her strength and no-nonsense attitude and her fists. i miss the righteous rage in her eyes. i miss seeing her storm into a room to chop a hacker to bloody pieces if they so much as looked at me.
i remember the night she almost killed herself because she failed to protect me. she showed up too late. and she tried to end it all. THAT'S how devoted she is. was. what happened?
what the heck did north carolina DO to her, that now half the time she screws up her own freaking name???
God how do i get HER back?
...how do I get myself back?

and infi, poor broken beloved infinitii, you're more of a mess than anyone i fear, you still won't let anyone get close, you feel all wrong, your form is constantly unstable, you feel tainted, distorted, used--

why do i keep having flat nightmares like last night
when mom's phone call woke me up, i was dreaming that i was sitting at a kitchen table that looked oddly like the one in my dad's parent's house, before they died and it was sold. i was talking to two doctors or professors? i think? about the nature of reality, and of time, and of the human consciousness, obviously influenced by all the stein's gate recently. but they were focused on what was physical and tangible and i kept vehemently insisting to the contrary, no, there are other world lines, and thoughts do affect reality, and what we dream and imagine IS real in a very valid way, AND extant in "reality" even if it can't be touched by our literal hands. i was absolutely passionate about the topic and i was conscious enough to BE in the dream doing so, speaking with all honesty and clarity, and defending my position.
then all of a sudden, i hear a watery sort of yawn, and who walks around the corner to stand, half-asleep and eyes closed, in the doorway behind me, but chaos 0.
"jewel, tell me again why we're in los angeles?"
then he opened his eyes, saw the two visitors, and did such a double-take i almost laughed. he took two steps back, half-twisting his arms and legs around each other as if to hide himself, as i reassured him that it was okay, "they kind of know you're here already," and also feeling almost euphoric because hey, he literally just proved my side of the argument. and yes, the two dudes i was talking to looked just as shocked as he did, haha.
but.
i woke up then, and after the phone call, i threw my arms around his anchor plush and kissed its forehead and said, "you probably aren't even aware of this, but thank you so much for saving me again."
upstairs he looked at me, confused but deeply troubled. "what do you mean?"
"there was almost another dream hack. but you showed up, and just by your being there, it didn't happen. your very existence kept me safe. thank you."
after thanking and kissing him again i jumped out of bed to get ready to drive over to mom's workplace, and that started the day very quickly, but... i was also running away from the reality of what i had just implied.
i keep having dream hacks.
i still say it's because i gained all this f*cking weight. yeah, horrible trauma pun intended, why not. i keep having these awful hollowed-out nightmares where i am a "faceless whore," emotionless and almost without free will, numbly going through all these scripted actions because "someone wants me to sleep with them and i have to get ready" etc etc. knowing that abuse was going to happen and just shutting down beforehand. but not running. not being able to run. just giving up, giving in to the "inevitable" trauma. objectifying myself first, so it wouldn't be as scary. or so i hoped. et freakin cetera. i'm so tired of this.
...
why, God? why can't i get over this? why can't i be free of this? why does my every waking and sleeping moment have to be tormented by memories of sexual trauma? even that movie today, all those revolting women, i'm sorry but the way they would speak and look and act made me want to SCREAM and GUT SOMETHING. i could have clawed my eyes and ears out so many times. i'm so sorry God. i NEVER want to be like that. i NEVER want to be a part of that. i am NOT A WOMAN and i am NOT A MAN and i want NOTHING TO DO WITH EITHER OF THEM. it's disgusting. it's terrifying. i need a stronger word. but nothing seems to sum up the absolute apocalyptic horror that slams into me whenever i realize that "oh by the way, all that hell i went through in the past? OTHER PEOPLE ARE STILL LIKE THAT. ALL THE TIME. ALL AROUND ME." and i can't escape and i keep stumbling across it EVEN IN A RELIGIOUS MOVIE AND I WANT TO DIE.
God i can't take it anymore. i cannot live like this. i can't live in this hellscape of a body, all fat JUST like a whore now, and I CAN'T starve it to blessed death anymore because i...
...i want to say i have "something to live for," but a detestable deformed monstrosity like myself doesn't deserve to live. and no one deserves to be plagued by my existence. "something to live for" my ass. they don't care.
"they don't exist," a devilish voice hisses in my ear.
to which i want to swing around and punch their rotten teeth out
hence the dream argument this morning
don't you give me that, they're more real than MOST of the freaking tangible GARBAGE on this literal planet, and you KNOW it!!!
laughing at me, mocking, jeering, just like they said earlier, you're a selfish jerk, a stupid empty-headed moron, the laughingstock of the universe, God is ashamed of you,
shut your lying mouth,

and Laurie shows up with her axe.
and Razor. and Wreckage.

wh

all the protectors

all right listen it's like... 15 minutes later i don't know
legit headspace stuff happening just like the old days
laurie, knife, razor, sugar, wreckage, algorith, batta, scalpel, cannon, julie, lynne, leon,
xenophon and genesis and chaos 0 and infinitii
rio and markus
mister sandman even, in a genuinely terrifying moment,
i even saw phlegmoni & celebi & gleam & galadia & ventrium, is he really alive,
why are there so many people aroundn
"because we love you, you moron" laurie spits at me, in tears, still covered in blood

something is wrong with my heart
it's too cold
too numb
every time someone breaks it, it freezes up again
not like ice but like... oh
oh no.
like calcification.

same thing happening in my dreams

but i can't write everything down now, laurie showed up and brought razor and they attacked the devils,
then she turned on me, "i heard what you were writing; i miss this too"
FORGOT exactly why she was the only person allowed to butcher me alive
literally force resets my internal presence
having so much trouble re-forming and anchoring into a sense of "self"
genesis literally rolling his own trauma through me, the gem-shattering and the awful shock of that,
razor and scalpel cutting me open,
axe-blades through my skull. the most euphoric thing i've felt in AGES
knife shoving a blade right into my chest when i was slipping, said that "if my heart was still hard, it needed to be forced open"
so much of it. absolutely insane. my entire identity sputtering like static. white and red everywhere. blood in my mouth,
xenophon hugging me and crying, "dad i don't care how you look, i'll still love you,"
perfect chaos suddenly raging,
scalpel commenting, "that's the most selfless thing i've heard you feel all day"
forgot about everything but him
but the hellish doubts kept hitting
"he's not real, none of this is actually real, it's all fake, none of it matters"
laurie grabbing me by the throat
"define 'actually'"
at some point i told her don't put the walls back up and she just broke, it was the first instant i saw her as purple and not violet,
in tears. told me she wouldn't. she cared too much about me
i flatly commented if she was going to kiss me and she said no, that's not what matters, don't go cheapening that anyway
just pressed her forehead to mine and swore through gritted teeth and tears that she would literally die before letting me be lost
then she kissed me, not even romantically it was like a covenant, the way it should be,
and then i was back in that ruined city with all the water
and all the pain
but he saw me and forced himself back down to size and he grabbed my shoulders and said this is YOUR pain, why won't you let yourself feel this,
i
i don't know. i want to. i can't?
the doubts,
"he's not real,"
that's it, i've had enough,
"well then neither am i, and if this isn't 'real' then i don't want to be real."
i don't want to be stuck in the body. i don't want the hell of physical existence and the terror of the world. if THAT is "real" then forget it all, i'll stay here where everything is love and blood and it's MORE "REAL" than ANYTHING i've ever known or felt or imagined,
but the damned devils kept laughing, even after infi ate what was left of them, coughed up that huge calcified rock--
they don't know anything.
i kissed chaos back.
i chose to. i choose this. i WANT to love him, and to be here, and to MAKE this "real." i don't care what you damned demons keep hissing at me. everything they say is based on unfeeling condemnation and hatred and callous rejection. there's no love. so don't you dare talk to me about "reality."
if love itself is what created everything in the first place then how in the world is this "not real."


i hate these mini-hells
hate all the mental torture
hate the physiological wreck i am after getting literally beheaded and eviscerated in headspace
but i wouldn't trade it for the world if it means i get to be with them, all of them, all those colors,
i'm only hurting right now because my heart is so bloody closed-off
geez didn't this turn into one mess of an entry
gotta be honest though, stop denying the truth,
111 am
nice

but honestly.

life is weird. truth is stranger than fiction. i'm tired of censoring and burying and hiding and shutting down everything because it's weird. no. not anymore. gonna go right back to being jewel the egocidal maniac if that's what it takes.
but no. no "going back." we're going forward. together. all of us.
why are we in los angeles, God only knows but i just realized the name of that city, isn't that a lack of coincidences too?

i miss these disjointed entries. i miss this entire life of ours. THIS feels "real," not the empty denial forced on me for years. enough of that. it's all lies. there's no kindness or compassion in it at all. and THAT proves it's fake. shallow. illusory.
can i "prove" what's going on upstairs? can i "prove" that God talks to me? can i "prove" that human beings have a soul? no. doesn't mean it's not real.

so tired of that argument
so stop arguing. if they don't want to be convinced then who am i really arguing with?
i choose love
real love
i CHOOSE this.
that means infinitely more than passively throwing it all away because "no one else sees it"
love is a decision
so is my life at this point
same thing really

still scared of this body. still struggling.
but it's "real" too
even if it's "not real" in another sense
what the heck does that word even mean
the body exists, i'm in it, i'm not the body, i exist, it's ALL "real" in different ways
but i can't cope with any of it without love.
that's the bottom line
gotta learn to love yourself too, kid
ALL of yourself
and yeah, you SHOULD see it that way.
that's what makes love possible
that body is everyone's home in this world, like it or not
it doesn't deserve to be hated or abused either
so CHOOSE to love it, too.

getting late. feeling myself slipping into asinine platitude mode
don't want that to happen
trying too hard to "conclude" and it's messing up my honesty

listen. i need sleep. we need sleep. i have cinnamon bedsheets and a videogame angel waiting for me in the other room
and i really need to talk to everyone about what the heaven just happened
pull myself together
try again tomorrow
"try what," laurie asks
try to live and love a little better
"you're not trying, you're doing it, kid. we'll just do it even better tomorrow. don't set something you're already achieving as some distant goal. it's already in your hands."
and in my heart, i hope
"yeah well, that's the whole point"

i'm not frozen, i'm not "lost," i'm just... disheveled
out-of-focus
but i'm burning, no matter what i'm still red at the core, red and brilliant white glass, crystals, whatever it is, prismatic pieces.
but red. you can't shut that down. it's LIFE. it's blood and fire and sincerity, and courage and hope and it's REAL.

god i'll pray to you too about this
i do feel very off-balance and hazy right now. loose threads. battered. "understandably"
is that wrong
"no"
"the only thing any of you could do wrong is refusing to love each other"
that's a very general statement
"it's a very general rule of life"
good point
am i lost right now
"yes and no, you know that too"
how can i get un-lost?
"keep following the lighthouse"
(and immediately something in my heart sparks to life)
"in the very act of reaching out, in that hope, you are not lost, because you see the shore"
so this prayer counts too
"of course it does. this is love, too. it shows trust. you can't have one without the other."

i need to close this up and i'm feeling ashamed
"of what? talking?"
yes in general. thinking, oh this isn't socially acceptable. it's not 'normal.' it's weird and bizarre and i 'should be ashamed of myself'
"why do you constantly label and condemn yourself?"
...to beat myself into shape i guess?
"what kind of shape? is it even a good shape? have you thought about that?"
...no, actually
"the shape that condemnation will beat you into is a broken one. it's not what i want for you. hatred only begets hatred, and it will keep you lost forever."
so... should i be ashamed?
"of what? telling the truth, even just to yourself? being dedicated to love even if it's difficult? being 'different,' even as I made you? do you think even this could happen outside of My jurisdiction?"
...but why,
"what have you always told Me 'brings you closer to God?' where have you learned My deepest lessons most directly?"
...upstairs
"then why would you wish to toss it aside?"
i don't, that's the problem, i want to-- no, i do love them, i want to believe it's okay to.
"why would it not be okay to love them, or the life you have with them?"
because i'm afraid it's pulling me away from You and what You want from me
"is it?"
i... no? i think i was worse when i abandoned it for those years
"you were. yes, you were religious, but half of your heart wasn't in it. now... I get all of it. I get all of you. pun intended?"
yeah. yeah honestly that's true. they push me to pray more than i would "alone"
"you're never alone, not with them, and you're never without Me. go to sleep, child."
sorry
"no need to apologize. this was important. but there is a time for rest, too."
sorry if i'm getting words wrong or paraphrasing i just want to record this
"you did right in doing so. i want you to pay more attention to our conversations, too. I want to talk to you more often. I miss you, too."
good then you know i do miss You even if i don't act on it always and i'm so sorry
"I forgive you. always. but do come visit me more often again. I'm always there."
please increase my faith. and my love. and thank you for all the grace.
"pun intended?"
always
"you are always welcome, child. just be patient. the most beautiful flowers take time and care to grow. but they are growing. trust in Me. I will make sure of it"
my gardener and my lapidary and my Lord and my God
"and your Beloved, too, don't forget."
...that's... that's very important and very true thank You
"it's real, my child. and be brave. I am with you always. I promise. do not be afraid. now go to sleep!"


can't argue with that

all right that's it there's too much going on to keep ramble-typing anyway.
let's finish this old school
love you kids, see you around



I knew this kid who wanted to find himself, in your arms...