the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

let me reiterate this was a HELL NIGHT
Literally thought we were dying
Up until 2am in pain & sickness
hysterically praying to our mother of perpetual help
splitting headache, nauseous, muscles twitching all over. couldn't breathe.
jesus voice said we were severely dehydrated???? we ended up drinking 4 bottles of water, the body was so thirsty it was sick. 

Woke up at 6? spotty sleep, bad dreams, all family abuse/ disownment fears and people "plotting our death" as usual.
Terribly hot indoors, opened the window. scared "summer is coming" = "trauma flashbacks every day"

barely conscious due to fatigue and illness. body felt stable at the moment though.
heat bothering us, spontaneously rolled up sleeves and pulled up shirt, wasn't thinking about this when i pulled chaos zero's anchor plush to my chest.
FLOORED me. water to blood. i nearly wept. i had forgotten what it felt like to BE close to him like this.
upstairs instantly, completely. for a while we just held each other, both of us in tears from the sudden overwhelming intimacy and emotion of it all. with the dawn light and early spring cold around us it was perfect. felt like myself for the first time in YEARS

but
the body fell back asleep, and you know what happens during daylight hours
we had a HIDEOUS DREAM HACK
absolute WORST i can remember in recent months.
don't even remember waking up. everything a shattered mess. body so confused, in horrible pain.

Chaos BROKE DOWN. sobbing and terrified. i have not seen him this wrecked in... a very very long time.

i was trying to soothe him, lowkey disconcerted at "why I wasn't feeling this bad?" realized I HADN'T BEEN THE ONE HACKED. someone ELSE was dreaming the dream. this is typical, but in the wake of the horror it was disturbing. reminded me of hellsummer with all the hacker/victim girls.

said i needed to check something very important.
went into bubblespace with infinitii. said i needed to check the "body map" in regards to connections vs hacker forcing in wrong areas. did not want to literally do anything, did not want to hurt or trigger cz.
i was using a "light sword" to check? like running it through me to see if it hurt.
then "penlight" like a doctor, through index finger. light looked like a refraction. rainbow end.
discovered that THE BODYMAP & BODY-RESONANCE FIELD CHANGES W FRONTER????
HUGE revelation !!!!!
like if i penlit my abdomen, shooting that light beam through it, it felt/reacted DIFFERENTLY than it would for the BODY ITSELF. same with head, chest, hands, etc. this is HUGE. explains WHY it's so difficult for foni to front, especially cores.

"BODYNAMES" VS CANNONS VS LOTOPHAGOI VS SOCIALS!!!
so much info. let me try to summarize

bodynames= entire body is TRAUMA.
head: numb tangled. no thoughts just echoes and programs and fear.
chest: disturbingly plasticine. feels hollow, sore like flu. solar plexus instantly turns to YELLOW SCREAMING.
upper abdomen: turns orange and scream becomes more guttural. from "fright" of yellow to "horror" of orange
lower abdomen (navel): vermilion color??? surprised. scream is like an animal now. lunatic terror. throaty and awful to hear.
could not check lower, the screaming became too hyperpink and hysterical it felt like a bomb going off.
notable detail: LEGS. upper legs are also neon pink trauma zones. worse than stomach, but no screaming??? "numb from terror." post-hack braindeath.
above knees, legs were "obelisks of pain??" surreal feeling. carry SCARS. gray backdrop almost. "memorials of suffering" we were saying.
nothing from knees down. depersonalized almost.

cannons= ENTIRE BODY GETS RED "X" BUZZ RESPONSE to penlight
like there is NO data because it is INACCESSIBLE.
the only data response area is the hands and they light up WEAPON RED.
this was mindblowing. cannons exist FROM the bodyvoices and they exist as a "snap point" to DESTROY whatever has put all that screaming fear in the body.
cannon overlay is literally a weapon of violence. entire existence is laserpointed into that function alone

lotophagoi= also a hyperfocus overlay?? very orange feeling.
nothing much in head. feels robotic almost, repetitive vibe. glazed eyes but panicked with numb veneer.
all energy response is in the mouth, throat, stomach, abdomen. stomach lit up blinding orange like a tangerine.
NOTHING in chest or arms or legs. no "fear" either-- just PANIC HUM. shocked to realize this.
THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN LOTOPHAGOI.
the other subspecie, the purgers, are DIFFERENT. they DO have penlight response to arms and legs, a lightning blue, again hyperbright. and that same numb veneer over screaming panic all over. energy has a FLOW and its BACKWARDS. whereas the bingers were orange and focused in the mouth and stomach, the purgers feel bluish and all the energy is focused in the abdomen and throat??? plus arms. so weird. felt sick to see both of these

socials= BIZARRE. they have a superbright response in the head AND mouth, but EVERYTHING ELSE IS MUTED. chest, limbs, stomach, even abdomen, all get a NEUTRAL RESPONSE. i think their hands had a slight response but that's it. EXPLAINS WHY THEY'RE "BLIND" TO TRIGGERS-- all the trigger bodydata is SHUT OFF for them. WTF.

went back to checking general physical bodyspace after these variations. turned it around, seeing if that changed things, it DID.
Wreckage triggered over by pink lower spinal "danger zone". i explained what we were doing, shone penlight through that spot again and when it set off the "freeze panic" body response wreckage VISIBLY snarled and got in attack pose. like automatically. she was reacting to a nonexistent threat because the wire was tripped, so to speak. heartbreaking to see, as proof of how damaged corpufoni actually are.
whole back was weird. shoulders were safer, but the entire spine causes a freezepanic response. hip area is just more bloodcurdling screams.

checked wreckage's bodymap.
all unusually burnish-vermilion in vibe. coppery almost. but STABLE. like... SHOCKINGLY STABLE. in contrast to all the trauma fields we were testing, wreckage was like a rock. valor and strength in chest/abdomen, hands registered as SHIELDS, notably a gamboge orange i remember how that stood out. and she DOES get that same stable energy response in her limbs, even legs, which was notable because the bodyspace typically DIDN'T RESPOND to leg checks. remember how old pseudocores would always write about how they "felt like they didn't exist from the waist down." still don't know if that's all trauma; the overlays are suggesting that yeah it DID affect the legs.

at some point we called julie in???
wanted to compare her to the trauma-damaged ones. apologized for this but she said no, it's fair. let me penlight her energy field. her head response was surprisingly complex? lots of thoughts.
most notably: her hands, abdomen, & hips-down ALL register as WEAPONS???????????? which is INSANE.
i was shocked, "even now?" she bitterly said yeah, that's not something you can just erase from psychic memory i guess.
chest response was oddly guarded. felt wide and soft but walled-in. and NOT light pink, it leans towards magenta.
again very quick penlights for her because i didn't want to be invasive or overly personal. we're just learning this all.

Called in Laurie, gave her a briefing on all this data
she had me penlight my OWN bodymap for the record, which was VERY difficult as it kept getting "confused" with body awareness, muddling up the data, BUT now i RECOGNIZED what the differences were so it made it easier to anchor into ME instead of what was being forced upon me
i vaguely remember my head-response literally felt like a refracting kaleidoscope. surprised me, i would've expected that from the jewels, not me!
chest response similar. honestly deeply reassuring; it was all that light-refraction feeling i USED to "identify with" back before my bloodline started to rot and die off. i remember laurie giving me this look and saying "none of you can say you're surprised by this" with matter-of-fact affection, wreckage nodded and that just pulled at my heart

oh geez i forgot INFI. i checked hir bodymap too!!
hir wing response is like smoke. NOT "part of body" which is bizarre??? too fluid. like they're blackspace attached to hir.
hir head response was very very black too, but like velvet and stars. notably "quiet," serene feeling. not the "business meeting" feel from julie that was so surprising, not the sparkling colors of mine, not the stone-sharp warmth of wreckage. gosh i MISS feeling people's souls up here, i love them all so much, i could cry. remember we STILL HAVE LISTS with "energy scents & textures" & stuff. man we NEED to revisit that, now that i'm aware that i CAN.
infi has this odd but significant pocket of concentrated blackspace resonance at hir solar plexus??? under heart, above abdomen. FEELS "black," the scary sort. foreboding. not sure why that is. i think infi said it had something to do with "swallowing shadow" to transmute it, that stomach-spot was the center of that?
chest response is gorgeous though, again no one is surprised. and yet it was so soft. took me completely off guard honestly. like white starlight spilling out. refractive like mine too, but like shining a light on a crystal in a dark room. splinters of light in the shadows. quiet and lovely. gosh that meant SO MUCH to me, to see and feel that response in hir inherent bodymap. i was so afraid ze had been corrupted beyond repair after cnc. apparently that is absolutely not the case. thank you God, thank You so much.
last bit. that lower-abdomen "bubble" response was PALE PINK??? and a strange dual response between comfort and dread. like it could be either safe or dangerous. which makes sense.
i remember hir saying "i keep life safe in there" or something.
NOTABLY, IF THAT 'BUBBLE' IS REMOVED, IT CHANGES INFI'S ENTIRE VIBE TO SOMETHING VICIOUS. i don't know how else to explain it. hir bodyshape changes, to be less feminine, ze loses the face-eye and gets all teeth... it's scary. infi immediately put the bubble back when we noticed this. said "that's not the true me."

at some point, i forget what happened, infi grabbed a tar-creep in hir hands and made MOUTHS IN HIR PALMS to eat/transmute it instantly. so creepy weird. i love hir.
unfortunately now i remember where it came from. we were checking my bodymap before anyone else showed up and there was this single bright cyan splinter in my abdomen, like a sword. pierced in at an angle. i forget how we removed it? it was surprisingly simple, and the instant it was removed it shattered into prismatic dust. instantly gone. glad to see no tar in it though.
BUT there was one in the bodymap abdomen i think. not in me. for the record my bodymap ISN'T femaleshaped at all. again, dysphoria trigger. but also oddly reassuring? because in the body the fear is so intense we cannot "imagine" any other overlay sometimes. girls use this as proof that "there's no dysphoria" etc. but inside when i CAN be in myself, the shape is totally different and it feels safe and genuine. note that.
been trying to hold different overlays lately for the record, adult masculine. aware that the body IS older than we realize, and needing to come to terms with both physical aging and the fact that i realistically cannot inhabit a similar reflection to the previous jaycores. also wondering if my bloodline name is shifting, as everyone keeps using different names for me. but we'll learn. today is a step in that direction.

anyhow. at some point laurie just stopped us all and said "hold up, did you seriously leave chaos zero alone during all this??"
felt like the floor dropped out, i said oh geez we got carried away with all the important data. immediately left bubblespace to go check on him.

Went back to Chaos, he was with Xenophon, holding her tight and in tears. utterly distraught.
he asked what i had been doing, where did i go. i said sorry we lost track of time. briefly told him what we discovered-- notably, that with the hack this morning, "that wasn't ME". didn't match me at ALL.

he said he didn't feel like himself either. said he knew he would never do something like that. but then why did it happen? he was so disturbed and shaken by the awareness of it.
i tried to explain how mutable and freakish that mindstate is, the danger of it. we all remembered the eros days, how scary they were in the aftershocks.
mostly i just held him. told him that i loved him. i knew the real him, i recognized him, always. kept reassuring him that this would not make me hate him, like old cores often would out of sheer traumatized horror and confusion.
maybe it's because i wasn't the one hacked. but then why was he being used. deep down i was furious.

phone alarm went off, the original sonic special stage. oddly sweet to hear then, holding chaos zero's face up softly to my own and smiling into the watery blue


Church
BODY SICK AGAIN. why.
wondering if it's from yesterday. yeah we were rehydrated but we ate like nothing. plus all the water probably tanked our potassium again. so exhausted with this mess. gotta stop. gotta work with the lotophagoi.

spontaneously said rosary after BK prep, walking around with xenophon saying it
Prayed wall prayers ALL TOGETHER!!!
NO FRUSTRATION OR EXHAUSTION THAT WAY
Sharona and Galadia even joined in
amazing to feel everyone front and speak internally. everyone using "we" and "us" in the prayers. MORE GENUINE THAN ANY HYPERRELIGIOUS FONI EVER PRAYED. i wanted to cry from joy.
laurie commenting "if anyone tells you that being a system is incompatible with your faith, you tell them to pack their bags and walk out the door"
then some banter about "yeah i'd be waiting for them to change their mind so i could let them back in", amusingly sweet. laurie's got this incredible compassion down beneath all the steel and bandages

Julie "accidentally" called Sharona "Jezebel"
"Well, technically you're not wrong" = wondering if THAT is a "title" too???
In any case, her name being taken from our birthmother is even more disturbing.
remember sharona wears bright red lipstick. the "mavrofoni" (ohoho possible jargon) ALL seem to hold red at some place. i find that fascinating. jewel was the first, too, which is crazy. people tend to forget how HEAVY she resonated with black!


BK at 2pm
Continuing the Lucado Bible study. Hebrews letter about new Holy of Holies; really trying to grasp this. Never had education on that point in the faith, ironically as it's VITAL.

Crashed hard after eating. Reading church stuff but kept "blackout" falling asleep.
felt so funky getting up to go to cathechism, like we were under anaesthesia. this seems to only happen after a bad purge night. thank God those are now fewer and further between than they have been in like a DECADE.

Quick Redners stop on the way to restock triscuits and powerade. mentioning this because "Be The Light" played on shuffle on the way out. Laurie singing it with such level conviction. it's one of her anthems honestly. meant so much to hear her speaking those words.
Chaos 0 still absolutely wrecked. I think vapid store muzak lyrics set him off. "When did this become my role in the System?"
Laurie said it wasn't; it was just how those traumatized pseudocores saw him
CZ asking "why??" it was objectifying. "That isn't love."
Laurie said that there was a twisted "bright side" to that actually. the pseudocores were programmed to social and religious expectations. they were told they "HAD" to get married and that required the hells Julie put them through. but... those girls still couldn't drop the obligations, and so they were now pasting that onto him. yeah it was awful but, at least that meant they saw him as "safe." like, if they had to get married, it would be to him. and that's something at least. even if they screwed up everything else, even if their perspective on reality was totally skewed, deep down the only label they were actually putting on cz was "the only person i would marry." and at face value that's not a bad thing.
nevertheless. the details and corruptions of it had us all shaken and upset. this got to me especially as i could see how that same obligatory fear had crept into my subconscious too, even with the gender issues alongside it. and above all i did not want these girls ironically being adulterous with my beloved because they "had" to call someone their "husband," even if i was the only person in the system with any genuine right to call him that. but i digress. if that's where such a title is taking us, then i will drop it here and now. i will stop shoving us into that box as well.
...laurie gave me permission to fast-forward through "be the light" to play something for chaos. and i kid you not, about three shuffles in, "Leviathan" came on.
Chaos just started to sob. but he didn't say he didn't deserve it. he said, "you're really going to play this one."
i said yeah. looked at him with heartfelt solemn sincerity. "because i love you."
i sang along with the chorus. let it run through my chest like an aching wave. felt the blue echoing from the back of the car.


Catechism class is a blur again, due to social interference, but since we didn't talk anywhere near as much it's not too jumbled (thank God, that makes recovery easier)
we did go on an inspired monologue about Eucharist & humanity of Christ, as we've been feeling so much profundity concerning that lately. don't remember our exact words but i remember actually feeling genuine in the process, which says a lot.
also kathy made nut-free fasting bread for us, God bless her. she insisted we take four big slices home, gonna be brave

DN at 845 geez
had a piece of the fasting bread!
Lotophagoi freakout over it BUT no purge!! promised the good Lord we wouldn't. gotta be brave and faithful.
Body is very happy about that and the carbs, haha.
also xenophon likes strawberry butter, i do not. telling her (and myself) this was fine, it's okay if we like different things. she wasn't even fazed, bless her. too happy about sharing bread with me. thinking about that margaret rizza song.

Mimic & I really getting into the deep doctrine with this scripture study haha
Shocked that I was NEVER catechized in this stuff
Oh well now we can learn together!
remember he IS our catechumen this year, and galadia, WHY AREN'T WE INCLUDING HER honestly FIX THAT

now typing this entry and listening to some music. "night beds" for some reason. interesting style but they carry so much panic-terror from the cnc days so we can't listen to them much now.
also doing research for leagueworld 2.2, which is FINALLY its own thing after almost 20 years, haha. it deserves it. i've been feeling pushed to work on it over the past week, here and there, but kept putting it off in order to pray or do daily responsibilities. but it kept insisting (still shocked to consider that maybe God WANTS us to do creative things) and tonight i answered, and IMMEDIATELY we hit on this MASSIVE INSPIRATION FOUNDATION that i can feel sprouting potential even now. (jewel btw hey!!) so i'm excited. i miss feeling brand-new (well, kind of) worlds finding their roots and blooming. it gives me so, so much joy.

okay now jay is listening to chaos zero's spotify playlist and this is the kind of stuff he used to sing to him back in college and i can feel his chest warming up which is really sweet actually, even secondhand. i don't know how bad stuff was today and i can't know but i'm sure it'll all heal up for them fast. it always does. they scar but they get back up and in each others arms, literally. they love each other too much.
aw i've gotta let them ride this song out, it's too sweet.
good night everyone!! <3

Geez. Today was all over the place.
Quick update because it's getting late and I need rest but I do not want to slack off because that is 1/2 of denial.
(therapy on tuesday needs its own entry because it gutted me but it was incredibly important that it happened)


Surgery was today, so I got up at 5 and drove down to the hospital with my grandmother like last time. I got the same room, too, so I got to watch the sunrise, all pinks and indigos and blues. A lot of people switched out during that time (first time in many many weeks) which meant so much to have happen. were all around for some time. Lynne and Julie also "talked" to my grandmother for a bit (as of course she doesn't know about them).
I was trying to personally talk to Jessica & Chocoloco for a bit, as Jess was always tied to the "forced breaking out" feeling of the hernia, the idea of something being buried and yet being furiously desperate to be heard, so it makes itself known however possible. Like a kid locked in a closet, kicking down the door and screaming. Same thing.
(body map, beetles. lava flow? had to be kept moving, allowed to move out, instead of being forced into lower pockets. also reference to water? unsure on ultimate role, but vital. tied to chthonics obviously.)
(laurie's color is still slipping. julie said she was "graying out." we had to call sugar in to stand guard, laurie is disturbingly the biggest target upstairs right now because she is the "cornerstone of central" and also the main advisor to the cores.)
(ALSO I almost forgot, at some point I remember the Jabberwock found me but then Leanne/Luanne showed up?? That new Cerise woman on the Downstairs level. Apparently she can boss around the Jab, that's insane. However her form is still incredibly unstable; she's technically "faceless" as a result. But she's legit. Just wanted to mention that.)


(chaos 0 kept me company the whole time, in the prep room and afterwards. which was really lovely. the first time around we never had the luxury of becoming "friends" like genesis and i did so this meant so much to me, felt absolutely right for once. also when i was getting redressed at the end of everything, i remembered how we had been so candid and simple back in slc, and how much i missed that. i had forgotten about it, that was what i really wanted in my life again. just being able to live life and not be ashamed, to have someone around that loved me without demanding or constantly gauging my reactions. just being able to be like that. best bit though was that at some point i blurted out "i love you" because i just felt it; notable because that hasn't happened in months. also i "saw" him in the room ghosting for a moment, like i used to long ago. so that stands out too)
(is that stupid? why do i still feel horrifically guilty for being able to feel love again AND not having it shoehorned into the wrong context?? probably just residue, i really do need something this purely positive in my life right now, as selfish as that sounds)
(also. also also. i woke up this morning and he was humming "strangers in paradise," a song i haven't heard in years. moved by affection but still confused, i didn't get to look up the lyrics until this evening and geez dude, relevant as always.)

(it was SO NICE to be able to lie around for 5+ hours, before and after surgery. i've been running myself ragged lately (as you all know), somewhat on purpose, so being able to lie in a QUIET room, with SUNLIGHT, in a SAFE atmosphere, was profoundly relaxing. even better i did not hurt anywhere nearly as much as i did the last two times, so it was lovely, i kept dozing off which was very welcome too.)

(i got home around 4 and things were cool for a while, i drank even more water and lemon juice (i swear i got down at least 12 glasses today). unfortunately, around 7 i needed to eat (fasted for a solid day thanks to surgery) and because i was an asshole and ate something with sugar in it, i had another stupid floating-voice meltdown. they basically told me i had committed an "unforgivable sin" by "knowing sugar was evil and eating it anyway," that i was a faggot whore (and that "only faggots cry"), etc etc etc. it was hell. this went on for about an hour straight, maybe two, i lost track of time really badly. ended up with me sobbing so hard i was choking, made worse when my grandmother came in; she always tells me to stop eating, but I don't actually eat, i have an anxious stimming habit of just cutting up food and re-organizing it over and over, so when she says "you're still eating??" i know she means well but it translates as "you fat whore, stop stuffing your faggot mouth" and "you're not allowed to enjoy eating, you're not allowed to eat at all, you hedonist"). ugly ugly thoughts. anyway i surprisingly ended up hysterical, thought she hated me, begging her not to, "don't be like my mom" (whatever that meant). but i was convinced that if SHE, this holy woman, hated me, then i'd really be damned. i frantically tried to justify my emotions to my grandmother and ended up practically hyperventilating from flashbacks about my mother. realized i do not hate her, i can't even reconcile the "mother" i know her as in public with the person she is when she acts "abusive." either way yeah i got horrifically sick, vomiting and everything, on top of the surgery pain that was not good at all bro. aaanyway i am sorry that idiocy keeps happening, it is so hard to forgive myself for doing stupid things like that)

(i am trying to chill out and calm down but all this weird inexplicable old emotional stuff is coming up? i still have that lingering fear that if i have to end a relationship in any way, i am the evil one, and i am an abuser. so then i read into the other party's actions forever as telling me how evil/ abusive i am. and so i then start to wish i was friends with them again, just as proof that i can be forgiven, that i can atone for that sin. why the heck are all my problems so chokingly moral)

(i am DOING WELL, don't worry, this is just a rough spot, i really am happy. i have books to read and i need to learn how to relax for the next three weeks, stop abusing myself. but i'm doing well i promise.)

(will fix this more later. right now i am just so sick and sad, i hate feeling like this, but burying these emotions out of shame and self-loathing isnt good either.)