(massive trigger warning for this entire entry; that is a note to self as much as anyone else) (uncensored for the sake of the equally brutal subject matter) I am going to be totally fcking blunt about these goddamn idiots because this ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE and I don't know how the fck to talk about it and I don’t understand and im scared and I'm sad and I'm tired and I'm numb. and I just don’t care anymore, that's the problem
there is
no lets go all the way back
childhood, no understanding of sexuality whatsoever. memory also missing.
objectified passively by female family members. also disturbed by behavior of fellow girls in classes. didn't fit in with boys either. age 13 realized I wanted to be a boy instead
anyway
I must have had a vague idea of sex because by 7th-8th grade sex ed I was already terrified and LITERALLY DISSOCIATING to get through the class.
also when on that one "date" with billy I remember being vaguely worried he would rape me (we were alone and I wasn't interested in being a 'girlfriend' and I think he seemed upset?) but my only response was to DISSOCIATE AGAIN and just passively decide to "run if he tried"
but that was still age 13. I have no idea what led to that
also age 13 I should mention I DID like "girls" but it WASN'T SEXUAL but it WAS SENSUAL and I didn’t fcking understand it at all.
important clarification: I ONLY LIKED "NONHUMAN" GIRLS
remember "skittygirl," around the time I started reading TMM, they had the chaste-nudity transformation scenes, same thing with sailor moon. I was fascinated by the sailor moon ones. I would be utterly ashamed and watch the vhs tapes in private because I kept watching the transformations.
BUT I was not attracted to them. I was NOT sexually aroused. I was not even interested in dating or romancing them. the very thought of that was disgusting. but something in me was sincerely fascinated by those female figures, almost aesthetically, almost as an idea, not a body.
I used to draw skittygirl in the back of my tablet, secretly, in very light pencil so no one would see. I remember there were two pictures I especially loved and did not know why.
I've never talked about this but it's important
one was a small one, of her lying in the woods under a tree, sleeping. she was naked with her tail covering her private parts (or where they'd be if she had any), and of course she had no breasts so that was fine.
the other was my favorite. I loved it and I lost it in slc and that makes me oddly sad. it was a picture of her again unclothed, but floating like she was in space or underwater. she appeared seated, her legs were slightly bent beneath her, tilted to the left for modesty. she had her arms lightly wrapped around her chest. her eyes were closed, but there were tears in them. and her face bore that expression that others labeled as "sadness" but which to me was some nameless deep painful feeling dearer than anything else. and I would always look at that picture, blushing bright red hoping no one saw me, because I could not explain why I was looking at it, let alone why I drew it, or why I even liked it at all. I had no answers then and I really don’t have any now, that's why I'm still hitting trauma and that's why I'm typing this
there was one day on the bus when I was reading tmm issue #2 I think, it had ichigo transforming on the right page. angelbee looked over my shoulder from behind (I didn't see her there) and suddenly asked "why is she naked?" in a slightly accusatory, but joking voice. I saw the bus driver's eyes flicker up to me in the mirror and I froze in total dread and terror.
1. she was not naked and I did not want people thinking I was a pervert
2. the very thought of looking at a naked person made me sick, and I was terrified that her accusation was correct in some way, and I was a sexual deviant/ whore/ etc.
I dissociated totally at that second and I don’t know what "i" said or did after that
but I was afraid to read those books on the bus from then on, let alone anywhere.
the eating disorder was tied to sexuality too
I read an article today someone mentioned this, and bang it was right back in my head
I don’t think I ever wanted to look womanly. I don’t remember, there was a LOT of programming-- my mother & grandmother literally praised me for "filling out" and would always "help me be pretty." so I just kind of swallowed that for a while. but I remember I liked wearing sports bras way more than regular ones, all the time. and I despised skirts, I think I actually cried at the idea of having to wear one as a uniform in high school?
I still can't forget the day my parents had me walk down the school hallway in that skirt, I have no idea why, they were saying I "looked so pretty" BUT, but my grandmother said something about my behind looking attractive or something? I don’t even fcking know, she literally had me walk away from her to watch how my behind was moving, like it was "sexy" or something, she PRAISED this, I felt so uncomfortable and objectified but guess what I did? GUESS WHAT I DISSOCIATED because "feeling uncomfortable" meant "I'M the problem!" and "I was NOT ALLOWED to disagree with what was "good for me"" therefore I was gone.
but I remember by age 15 I was almost hospitalized for anorexia
I didn't know genesis then, I think I had just discovered NiGHTS, maybe I was even 14?
but it was all about wanting to be thin. tiny. flat. I didn't want breasts. I didn't want my mother's hips. god willing I never wanted to look like "other girls," although I'd never use that phrase as it felt wrong. but I saw their weirdly soft arms and hands and legs, that bizarre sort of uniformity all their bodies had, with their "innie" navels and their big chests and their rounded figures. I never ever wanted to look like that. I wanted to be a wiry young fiery tomboy forever, and when I was told that I was going to grow up into a "young woman," with all the voluptuous sexuality that got soaked into that term, I wasn't even terrified-- I couldn't cope with that much terror. my mind just blankly decided, burying all emotions due to an inability to handle them, that "I just won't look like that then."
and that's when the starving started. high school was bliss in that sense because I left the house around 5am, and didn't get home until 4pm or later, and I didn't have to eat ANYTHING that entire time. so for four years, I didn't. well almost, the teachers/parents got worried and I started packing salads around junior year I think, but even that was acutely shameful and distressing for me… people watching me eat made me feel so dirty, so wrong. I'll talk about that more later, it's complex. but I couldn't eat in front of anyone ever. I remember there was at least one day I was starving and could not go without eating even if I wanted too (I was getting dizzy and cold), and I think I took a half a sandwich or something? into the girls' bathroom. and I went into the last stall and waited until everyone left and then I very quietly ate what I could. I remember being terribly sad because I felt SO ALIEN in that school, I wanted to not feel like a freak BUT I DIDN'T WANT ACCEPTANCE EITHER, because to be "accepted" by those kinds of people would be frightening. being alone all the time was kind of sad at times, because I felt unlikable and flawed, even if I didn't understand why… but the alternative was worse. when genesis showed up in 2005 that made my life so blissfully better, I hope he realizes he literally saved my sanity for the most part.
they put me on meds for depression around the time my weight dropped to 100 lbs and I remember I put on 20 pounds. I remember standing in the kitchen one day and seeing the fat collecting on my stomach and just feeling the floor bottom out. it was existentially unbearable. that's where one of our self-abusive alters is locked in time, in that pill-pudgy long-haired green-uniformed state, age 15 or 16 or so, crushed with blinding fear to the point where they felt nothing. that was the first time in our life that the body LEGITIMATELY felt like a prison.
I don't know if julie was touching us by that time or not but she probably was
about that
not yet? I don’t know
I keep jumping from topic to topic this is very stream of consciousness. also very depersonalized. it's just data I can't be a person and talk. anyway I should make a list and print it out and give it to the therapist, of all the topics, also then use that list for a xanga session, we need one, or one hundred
where were we
high school
don't remember it.
except there was one day in religion class. only day I remember, we were sitting on the far left row, three or four seats down. the pastor passed out papers about sexuality, no idea what it said because I refused to look at it. he wanted us to read it aloud, each person reading a paragraph, starting at the far left of the class. so I was going to have to read paragraph #4.
I have no fcking idea how we did it. not only did we dissociate so acutely that we didn't hear a damn word anyone else was saying, but we SOMEHOW were able to fake "not having the paper" and we got the person behind us to pick up reading instead of us. we weren't called out on it and everything was fine. but yeah after the coast was clear, we were gone again. mind blank.
we wore stockings all the time, dark green, we still felt exposed all the time. if we fell in a stairwell we not only felt ugly and childish and dirty, with people staring at us, but we also… you guessed it… dissociated. the shame was too great. not only did we fall so clumsily, like a fool, but we were wearing such an exposing getup… it was terrible. when you trip and fall in a skirt you not only lose all sense of dignity and respectability, but you then feel like a dirty, babyish object. I felt filthy. I felt so filthy all the time at that age
you notice that disturbing sentence, "babyish object," I don't know why the fck that's so true but it IS. it always has been and still is, I don’t know why
there was another article we read today. let me quote it.
"Youth is sexualized for the same things purity culture advocates for: purity, innocence, “untouched”, inexperienced, etc." basically if you're "undamaged goods" you're "more desirable" or some shit
and our DAMN MIND immediately thinks "uh-oh I have to make sure I'm desirable" like WHO THE FCK CARES
WHY DO YOU "WANT" THAT DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
this is what I mean about fcking PROGRAMS
I look like a kid. Okay? In my mind's eye I LOOK like a kid, somehow. I carry a lot of the traits.
I find it disturbing that Julie did too. She was the internal manifestation of everything we saw as "sexual and therefore lethally threatening," but… she had pigtails, she popped bubblegum, she wore ribbons, she wore pink. The only thing non-childish about her was her bust and her scanty clothing. But that just hit me now.
The opposite… we realized in therapy. "Womanly" women, those who are built big in the hips and chest, "motherly" women OR even worse, "sensual" women… scare the shit out of us. They terrify us totally. I don't know why. But we have no adults in our System as a result. No one is "grown up" because for us, "growing up" meant growing into that sort of loud, skanky sensual shit. Perfume clouds and fake lights and tight dresses and jewelry.
Guess what we had to do as a youth.
God this fcking hurts. It fcking hurts.
When we were younger we were dolled up all the time. As a child we were in beauty pageants. We always had to wear caked-on makeup, lots of jewelry, fancy dresses, heels… it scares me now. I was like seven fcking years old and they had me dressed like a grown woman. Back then I don't fcking remember, I probably just thought it was cool to wear jewelry and look like a princess-- because I wanted the power and the gems and the dragons. I didn't give a shit how "pretty" I was, especially not according to other people. Actually I NEVER thought of what "other people" thought of me, that was a constant. But… looking back it's disturbing now. God. How did I never ask myself if maybe some subconscious treatment got into our brain from that.
So we were, however "passively" or "innocently," sexualized in that aesthetic manner as a child. I don't know about anything else. I need to sit down.
When I say parents, I mean female parents, my dad/grandfather had NO hand in any of this which is why common "purity culture" baffles me. There were like NO men in my life at all, besides my brothers of course, who I identified with. But yeah, when other people talk about patriarchal bullshit I get confused at first, because that very same bullshit was perpetuated by
women in my life. Same source, unusual application.
Teenage years… I remember feeling the pressure to be "as busty as possible" because my mom/grandmother were actually DISAPPOINTED in me being built smaller, I remember one day (all our memory flashes are existential you notice) standing in the bathtub, and being suddenly acutely aware that the voice in my head saying "I need to get bigger (in that sense)" was NOT ME, and that way deep down under that I actually didn't want them to grow at all. It was disturbing to realize that part of me was actively fighting ME, that there was a "whole other consciousness" driving my body that was at TOTAL ODDS with what my personal soul actually wanted.
That "other" is still around and they are making life a living hell but we're not talking about that right now
I don't want to talk about late high school. 2008 or whenever. Q. He doesn't deserve any of the shit we've stuck onto his memory and I will tell you why, it hit me why this morning.
He was INNOCENT. He was ALWAYS INNOCENT, he did NOTHING WRONG,
BUT!!!! BUT HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WE DID NOT FIT INTO THE EXPECTATIONS HE HAD OF A "GIRL" Hell I don't think WE even said anything until it became so traumatic we snapped and people started screaming at him online (which I only know about because there's a screencap of it somewhere? used to be at least, surreal).
But. He was nice. He is nice. He went for the whole traditional dating thing, dinner and a movie, a walk outside, kisses goodnight, etc. At least I think so.
Honestly it was so confusing. We were so hyper-programmed at that time that we couldn't make sense of our own feelings without putting other peoples labels and scripts onto them. We loved him dearly as a friend. We loved that he was interested in the same stuff we were-- dreams, psychology, OCs, ELO, poetry and stuff. He
shared our interests and that was UNHEARD OF for us. Of course we loved him for it. But that's not loving a
person, not really. That's loving the reflection of yourself IN that person.
I didn't notice until I found an old IRC printout just… how shallow we really were around him. How contrived our responses were, how little we actually
talked. And that breaks my heart, to wonder if maybe he fell in love with a program, with a mask,
precisely because that's what it was built for. We were groomed, from childhood, on exactly how to be the "proper young lady" and we learned HOW to talk and act and walk and be. We learned EXACTLY how to make people happy, how to stay safe and innocuous and unassuming, we learned exactly how to be what other people wanted. We were "perfect" because perfect is just a set of surface traits, and we were nothing underneath.
That became pretty profoundly clear once he met us in person.
…It hit me just how tangled that
first "I love you"
got. I remember the person (spinny?) on the porch, with Genesis, being scared to say it, nervous as hell. But… they felt that sort of love for
so many people around that time and
none of them ever panned out. It WASN'T "love," not the kind that settles in the heart like an ember, not real love. It wasn't even attraction, or infatuation, or romantic shit. It was "I love you as an idea." It really was, and that breaks my heart, and that's terrible. "I love you because you listen to me talk, and you're nice, and I have NEVER had friendships before, let alone ones as nice as this, so I literally cannot tell the difference between platonic and romantic love."
Everything we learned about "romance" we got from comic books. We were a walking shojo manga. We didn't even
mean half of what we said; we were just so damn good at acting and emulating, that we were able to "get into character" of who we were copying and never even questioned it. Then… then came the aftermath.
I know that like a month after that "I love you" part of us hated him. It was because now, he wanted to be our "boyfriend." Now he was being romantic. And so we no longer "loved" him because to us,
this wasn't the boy we "loved" in the first place. Now he no longer existed in that floaty, intangible creative space where we could love ANYTHING. Now he was a REAL PERSON, now he was a HUMAN BEING, somewhere off in Salt Lake City, now he was a boy with a body and a life and he wanted to meet us and god damn it but we didn't want any of that, we didn't want anything to do with him anymore, once he stopped being a dream, once he stopped feeling like an extension of ourself.
We couldn't "lie" or act anymore after a certain time period anyway. I know 2009 we didn’t talk at all? I think? Time was weird. But by 2009 headspace was now front-and-center permanently, no more fake personae running the show unchecked. That put a nail in the coffin of any "relationship" too.
But… bottom line is the kid was innocent. He had NO IDEA what was actually going on. To be honest WE were the dishonest ones, whether we realized it or not, we strung him along thinking we were some sort of ideal nice pretty girl, when in reality we were just "acting the way he'd like us"… we always did. "Present yourself in a socially acceptable way." Learn how to say JUST the right things, always, so people like you… basically, be a puppet. Be a doll. Be a pretty little doll so people love you.
But damn it if you
really love a doll you will love that thing until it's old and broken and worn down and patchy, and then you will love it until it's dust and beyond. If you're going to love a person you'd better love them the same way, who the fck cares if their face is painted or not, who cares if their words are golden or flowery or sweet or not. You fall in love with the new-car-smell and that's not what the fcking car is about. I hope you get what I'm trying to say because this is frustrating and it's not even the biggest point.
I don't remember the trip in 2010, not right now, I'd have to sit and REALLY dig through memories and I do not have any "spoons" right now whatsoever so that's not going to happen tonight, plus I'm still typing, it's 1AM, I don't give a shit this is important.
2012. That trip, there are a few things I remember, let's please review them again, the kid was innocent, that's why we "hated" him. We DIDN'T. We hated the dissonance that we could not resolve. We hated the fact that here was this sweet, wonderful, nice kid, who (by that time) we DID love as an actual human being, as a person, albeit platonically… here he was, doing things that were so fcking terrifying to us
and he didn't mean to. He didn't realize it, he didn't intend anything bad, it was just a product of past and circumstance, and he got stuck in the middle. We hated what we saw in him, that wasn't even him. And I am so sorry.
Few things. One, the infamous "Q thing," which we refuse to call that anymore, the moment in the kitchen when he put a hand on our face and just looked at us in this way we didn't understand and still don't. someone called it the "good night jenny" phenomenon (wow that's horribly ironic) because it was this romantic thing? like when people are romantic they do these weird, melodramatic, sappy things? because they CARE? and we don't understand it at all, even if we think "well if they care that's really nice I'm glad" but when it happens to US it is TERRIFYING.
so here this boy is, hand on the left side of our face I think? giving us this odd look and wait a minute. wait.
we were smiling FAKELY. I know that because we were SUPER dissociated and about three feet behind the eyeballs already. plus frozen in fear because hello physical contact. but. BUT.
maybe he saw that. maybe he suspected that. god maybe he SAW something was up but didn't know WHAT, that's what that weird look probably was, he looked CONCERNED and we couldn't understand it because we were too busy smiling like a fcking poster and trying to guess how we were supposed to "properly react" in such a situation, ignoring the screaming alarms going off in the head. like trying to hold a fcking catwalk pageant with the fire alarm going off. that sort of cheap ignorance for the sake of "looking pretty" and "holding to standard."
but god maybe he had a feeling. I feel so so so bad now.
but we called it the "Q thing" because
god
chaos did the same thing, he always knew, he's capable of romance, we're not, god we're sorry we're so damn difficult to live with. that must be so hard to deal with.
there's nothing wrong with touching people in innocent ways like that but even that sentence has me dissociating and stopping breathing and that's the problem
to us there is no such thing as "innocent touch"
NO SUCH THING
it fcking sucks, it breaks my heart, and THAT is why there are so many goddamned abusive alters in here,
we were talking about this with the therapist.
as a child we had no personal space really. the brothers did. we didn't. we didn't have our own room. we didn't have our own bed. there were several times when we'd be trying to get dressed in our room and the mom/grandmother would just walk in on us, half-naked. we'd scream and try to cover ourselves and they'd either (mom) get snippy and mad that I hadn't locked the door, shaming me for it before leaving, or (grandmother) say "what are you getting upset about! I'm not looking at you" and proceed to do whtever the fck they wanted to do while we assumedly froze or hid or something, I don't know
there was one time at a fair, we had to get dressed in the car? not the first time
but this time was bad because the windows werent really tinted and we were in a realy public place,the mom had us go in the back seat and literally get changed. this memory is odd because I only remmeber two things: one, the fact that we were in the car, and two: feelings of entrapment, fear, shame, rage, etc. the emotions were so bad. we actually wanted to cry, hot angry scared tears, we wanted to say NO, we wanted to say GET ME OUT OF HERE, we wanted to say TAKE ME BACK HOME, I DON'T WANT TO BE AT THIS STUPID FAIR ANYWAY, but we couldn't. we couldn't say anything. we had to get undressed, we had to be half-naked at least, inside this little cramped car, with people around us, like an animal on display. that was the ugly filthy child feeling again, the same thing we got in high school if we fell. undignified, shameful, dirty. no respect. no sense of humanity. a display.
we got used to that on some level I guess
got used to always being walked in on, and "having to be okay with that" because otherwise you were scolded or shamed for being silly or childish or "making a problem out of nothing," no one EVER said "it's okay to set your own boundaries," no one EVER said "you have a right to speak up if you are uncomfortable," no ONE EVER SAID IT WAS OKAY TO SAY NO, EVER, I WAS NEVER GIVEN PERMISSION TO REFUSE ANYONE LIKE THAT
it was always women, that's the stupid part, it was always the women, never the men,
that's why I feel so bad about Q, we had no way of knowing how to deal with this bad stuff suddenly being reflected in him unintentionally= what I'm trying to say is we never let him know about these problems we had because "I shouldn't have problems" AND we still believed we had no space, no rights, no voice, etc.
plus, please forgive me, the religious bit
god the religious bit is the WORST, the worst, the worst, to this day, that and the spirituality
but first. the
the channeling stuff
god this is hard tot ype
chaos translating badly into a human body and Q telling me what happened, it made sense but it was still disturbing to me because I don't GET human bodies, I remember eros was laughing and said it was fine but really it WASN'T all fine, no, it was fine we understood the mistranslation but but but
that stuck in our heads for YEARS and we DIDN'T TRUST HIM FOR ALMOST AS LONG REMEMBER?????
remember, fck you idiots who say this is "fine," remember we were so damn fcking terrified that the phrase "marital lust" had been used in conversation discussing us that we AVOIDED HIM FOR AGES because we were TERRIFIED
Q didn't mean that you jerk, he meant the goddamned merge drive being translated wrong, like it ALWAYS IS, and you know what THAT'S PROBABLY
WHY WE WERE SHAKEN UP.
damn mistranslations. "he loves you, he wants to bond with you like that," yeah no shit I KNOW, I do too, but damn it why the HELL do human bodies only have ONE FCKING OPTION i hate this i hate this I HATE THIS
everything else was fine. god that kid was so good to us, he was so nice, he was a godsend, but I don't even fcking REMEMBER him, I don't even remember the channels god forgive me. I remember a few soft blurs and light flashes from that one night, the one with the light on the left, the best one. god those memories are so soft. they're so kind and nice and I want to cry thinking about them because it was heaven, it was heaven, yes chaos was TANGIBLY there, no question at all, but damn it we KNEW FULL WELL that he was ONLY THERE BECAUSE Q
LET HIM BE, Q acted as a conduit for the most beautiful experience of our life up to that point, god did we even thank him??? did we ever thank him enough?? did we ever emphasize how much we TRUSTED him to ALLOW that to happen? did we ever tell him that if we didn't love him a hell of a lot in his own way, that night wouldn't have happened at ALL?? I mean shit yeah you're channeling someone else who doesn't feel or even look like you really, there was no doubt it wasn't you, but you were still in there, in the back, waiting for when he left. it was still your body acting as the vessel. like ours does for everyone else in here. but you, it was just you, please realize this is IMPORTANT faces are super important for us you are NOT SCARY and god we were NEVER scared of you, ever ever, we love you, we really do, we hope you don't mind the fact that you got kissed secondhand 4 years or so after you first asked, it's kind of funny but we did realize it'd happen. that's what's important. we never hated you. we hated that our trauma tainted our friendship and shattered a relationship we couldn't have because we were too damn broken and you were too damn pure and honest and we didn't want to make you feel like us. we didn't want to stand up to you because you were nothing TO stand up to, it was just all our demons clouding the sky, we didn't tell you we were scared because it wasn't your fault. do you understand
we hope you think fondly of us even though we never talk anymore, you were only ever this great green-blue iridescent thing to us, that's wonderful, you were never frightening. ever.
so we're sorry for hurting you unintentionally
we're sorry for never being able to be totally honest with you, because we didn't know how to be honest yet, we didn't know what was going on,
we're sorry for not knowing who the fck we were all the time, we're sorry for swearing, it just aches.
we're depressed and we don't feel a lot but we are genuinely sorry and we genuinely care.
those three months living in an apartment with you both were three of the brightest months of our life even if we don't concretely remember them, the snips and flashes we have are lovely, we don't regret a moment of it, yes even the "troubling" bits because damn it if we had just COMMUNICATED things would have gone perfectly but no, no at that time we were swamped with bad fronters, you dealt with the abusive eros and all the faceless socials and the self-hating e.d. people and all that. you saw some ugly-anchor people come out. and you never knew. and we didn't know. and we were so troubled but we buried it because damn it we loved you both and just wanted it to work. but we weren't working, inside. it was too much to ask for.
I'm sorry. the manic who packed our suitcase singing to "eskimo boy" while you stood outside the door, mel, they didn't even know who you were. they didn't know what the hell they were moving back to or away from. if we were angry, it was because we felt… rejected?
we did we felt like you both really didn't want us there. like we weren't really welcome. and personally we felt like such a freak, we didn't know what to do,
but damn it in our heart we NEVER wanted to leave, at least, we never wanted to leave what we remembered of it. it became a dream, an ideal, to us, a glorious lovely thing. maybe it wasn't but damn we don't remember the bad days, if there were any, that's how we survived
I don't know
I'll think about and write that down later
point is, Q, we are sorry, you are lovely, please forgive us
and mel, same to you, we don't remember much of you (we need to re-find 2010) but you were never bad to us, ever, at all, either. hell you were the nicest thing. I guess we just never felt we knew you as well as we wanted to. but we were both troubled at the time. and it just didn't work out as we hoped. an unstable binary system.
where were we
oh, the touch thing
yeah that's weird because… that's why we blank out whenever it happens, WHENEVER it happens, doesn't matter if it's Q or chaos or mel or infi or anyone… anything that's "touch" we dissociate instantly. it's too tied to fear and trauma and shame and confusion and pain
why??
CHILDHOOD.
no personal space equals people can touch you "accidentally"" and NOT APOLOGIZE, even if it's scary and it hurts, "don't whine," basically "I didn't mean to make you react this way BUT now that you did, I'm pissed that it's making ME the villain, therefore shut your mouth and stop having a problem."
sad but true.
the grandmother still has NO sense of propriety or personal space, sometimes it's really really bad, I don’t want to say the worst one, okay fine, a few months back we were standin gin the kicthen cooking and she needed to get into a drawre where we wers standing so she (without telling us or satying anything) knelt down on the floor behind us and actually stuck her head between our legs to get to it'
yeah so
things like that, whenever she wants us to move she NEVER says "move" or "excuse me," she puts a hand on our shoulder and will actually steer us out of the way, it's very upsetting and it feels dirty, we don't like that kind of touch, especially not without any explanation or forewarning
the mother, the mother we don't hate her can we PLEAES call her the sister she is NOT OUR MOTHER
not a "mother"
biologically but that's it, at least I mean she's not a bad person she did super nice stuff for us growing up BUT, but she was never a "MOTHER," that's the point, no pink affection, no safety closeness, no no no, no
her vibe is totally wrong for it, TOTALLY WRONG, maybe that's where the trauma comes in more too, anyway not the point.
point is she
she was talking to the therapist on the phone apparently, therapist told us, mother/sister was saying about how we have a problem with being touched, said it was "utterly ridiculous" and didm't know why we "couldn't just get over it already," therapist said she bit her tongue, didn't argue. but she said it wasn't ridiculous, that made us feel a tiny bit better, it's difficult learning that it's okay to protest things,
the mother does bad things with touching,
well not intentionally, but BAD,
she
the dancing thing, did we write that here, we couldn’t talk about it without heave-sobbing for weeks after it happened,
in our room we have a computer desk in the top left corner, the desk wraps around to the right. so when you're at the computer you are in a little 24-inch spot between the wall and the desk. so one night we're at the computer (standing as it hurts less sometimes) and the mother must have wanted us to watch her videos? she's alwaus fcking forcing us to watch her romance shit and she stands WAY too close and breathes down our nect and makes that horrible grunting noise because she always holds her breath? but
but we don’t like the videos theyre all pop culture sexuality and blatant contrived romance and it makes us very uncomfortable and she'll force us to watch it and then cry and look at us and say "wasn't that beautiful?? wasn't that beautiful???" and we feel really uncomfortable because the video made us unfomcrtable and we KNOW she wants us to say yes, and cry, and fawn over it, but we can't fake that anymore,
anyway I don’t know how we got ther or what we were watching but we end up trapped in this little tiny space with the mother literally bump-grind dancing agintst
d
don’t talk about it
it was really scary. bad bad bad dissociation happened it was actual "fear for life" feeling, can't run cant hide cant protect yourself so brain kind of overheats then thermal shutdown. very bad feeling'
sot that was the worst of it
certain kinds of touches are okay though. we don't calle them "touches."
"soft" touches are NEVER EVER OKAY, EVER, that's why we're sorry Q, we never told you, we were ashamed to tell you, you were just being honest in your own way and we were just trying to like it too, for you, to be "good" to be what you wanted/neede,d but we couldn't I'm sorry
but, soft touches are BAD, especially when they MOVE, god no no
why the fck do we have MEMORIES OF THIS STUFF
WHO DID THIS TO US, WHO
was it all julie???? god how do we even TALK about that,
we didn't even know tactile hallucinations were legit until recently, does that even COUNT
who the fck experiences abuse in an explicitly d.i.d./ dissociated/ psychotic envuronment, how the fck do you talk about that in therapy, we need to put a damn book out there NO ONE goes through this shit,
is it legitimate, do we have a right to heal, was tere ever any pain in the first place, did we make it all up..
its all so distant and scary BUT stuff us happening NOW its WORSE in a horrible way that's what we're tryng to get at keep talking
the only good kinds of touch are brutal. hard. non-intimte. non-personal.
if someone touches you to be "friendly" or "socially welcoming" or whatever it is awful. stop it.
even in close situations, even when alone with someone we trust, NO soft touches EVER, it has to be deliberate, almost depersonalzied, is that weird?
like we don't like people looking at us as a person. we like people looking at us like an idea.
or an object. ironically.
that’s so stupid but its true
that complicates things a lot
people will talk to objects, hit objects, hug objects, etc. without treating them like "people," same with pets, that's what we want. it's comfortable. it's not so piercingly badly direct. but it's honest.
laurie's the best at it, everyone knows, everything she does has tension behind it, it's bliss really
but the pain problem is a whole other damn thing, we're not there yet
you know what here read this fcking article please
https://homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com/2013/05/24/asexuality-and-purity-teachings-can-be-a-toxic-mix-christine/ i'm going to talk about it tomorrow with all the other topics, but god, it is too accurate, it says more than i can about too much
i'm actually in fcking tears reading this damn thing, let me just change the topic for now there's too much
you know,you know, e had a thing on xir page once, "you like the characters that remind you of yourself," I still need to think about that more in a non-childhood context but lately it's been upsetting with the leagueworlds
all our favorite characters there have been battered in some way, badly realy, but they have such soft and-or genuine hearts and they just keep going, doing their best,
psyche is the main one lately, vez counts too, devonal, tox, xorane, delphi even, hosea, monika, all the people with hearts that are BROKEN OPEN and even if they might not be the nicest people there is that genuine rawness in them, something that leaves them totally capable of the most sincere feelings, however buried. but it's damage, damage that leads them there, it's terrible
we love people like maitru too, who are so so damn innocent, to the point where it becomes a fire of courage almost, something that CANNOT shatter even when gone through terror, it's REAL innocence without ignorance, it's our ideal. become something unbreakably true and good and loving. but she was never traumatized, she's built differently from us, she stayed the golden child that Jewel is, so to speak, our secret awful wish is to be that all the time, get rid of the trauma forever, but now we're a damn ADULT what do we do
I used to think maybe I was autochorissexual because I fit the bill in some ways BUT
I still don't want OR LIKE "sex"
no matter WHO is having it
but
I KEEP FORGETTING WHAT "SEX" FCKING
IS THAT LABEL GETS SLAPPED ONTO
EVERYTHING I FEEL REMEMBER, IT'S FCKING
BULLSHIT that's the damned catch here, AND this goddamned body works in ways that I DON'T and I DON'T WANT THAT
ever ever, only, remember we used to "ship" characters in high school, always unable to tell what's platonic and what's romantic, NEVER sexual, NEVER flirty, always chaste but damn sincere. always. it was the intensity of all the media we saw but with no kissing, no touching, nothing like that. but ALWAYS THIRD PERSON. fck no we never wanted that physically. sorry Q. that was the problem too. online WE were third person, too.
so was hoseki. that's why headspace WORKED. that's why/how she COULD love so many people. once we started seeing through our own eyes, being in the body… we couldn't "love" anymore. we couldn't. the body itself forbade it.
what is it with this damn body, it has its OWN consciousness, we all know it, we can feel it, it's NOT NICE, why the hell won't it let us love ANYTHING
but third person is the brilliant blessed ideal, it's required to exist really
first person means the damn body gets in and starts hating things
it's better to detach from all sense of "self" and just watch yourself as a chosen form, interacting. that allows for honesty and sincerity and purity and love. no contamination or programs. always 3rd person.
why are we so hungry at night I mean we eat a lot, don’t we?
is it because we end up spitting so much back up
you know that’s a very psychological thing, there's so much PURGING going on with us, in ANY/ALL contexts, I think it's the desperate want to just empty out this body of all the negative stuff in it
same reason why we fear swallowing, we don't want to take in any more shit,
the weight is bad too,
god it's all so old.
it takes delicate care to manage this, care and compassion,
and the social fronters DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT
there's three songs jay's been looping for days now (is this jay?? vaguely at times. lots of bleedover from lots of people like this. in autopilot typing mode of course). they sound just like him.
reminder: do those 8tracks things because tying music to people is so accurate, it catches what words can't, it'll be lovely and anything that reaffirms our existence is a good thing, capital G
what topic do we need to discuss before we get into this damn horrible modern topic
where's that list. lets do that.
1. young asexual, baffled on what "sex" actually was
2. nonsexual liking nonhuman girls age 13
3. eating disorder wanted to stay childlike build
4. highschool alone but didn’t want association w/ peers
5. dissociation from weight gain, sex ed, 'pretty' objectification
6. shame of falling, no dignity, feeling dirty, "like a display"
7. sexualization of purity/innocence (tied to 2)
8. programming being at total odds with soul wants (tied to everything)
9. Q was an ideal, we didn't understand romance
10. always trying to "please everyone" at own expense, SLC triggers
11. touch problems, "no innocent touch," hard contact different
12. third person perspective needed for any sincerity
i think that works
saw two or three topics we didn't discuss yet, they all kind of tie together.
another article we read, and want to quote, ties into eating disorder vs sexualization bit.
"Modesty was not just about dress. It was also about moving like a lady… It is impossible to get physically fit while adhering to ladylike movements only… I was so embarrassed that somebody might walk in front of me while I was on the machine… I started going to the gym the moment it opened in the morning and avoiding exercise when men were present. In this instance, modesty was literally keeping me weak." terribly relevant article, everything we read today was
but anyway yes that is a BIG THING we struggle with a LOT, and have for years, no idea when exactly it started but it's at least 5 years old.
biggest difference with us is this girl was afraid of "tempting men" with her body, just existing as it was.
we, on the other hand, didn't even really realize that men WERE literally sexual until like, college. it was a totally foreign concept to us personally. so although we were blindly and smilingly dressing/acting/talking to appease men, due to that whole teaching, we were never afraid of them. or if we were some totally different person holds it. again i'm sorry memory is weird. however i am very aware that we were mainly afraid of "tempting
women," AND any abusive programming-tied alters by the same token. so it was VERY dangerous because you could not run from the latter. and they were always there. waiting for the deep-horrible programming to be triggered, that same shit, to let them out. blind things. awful things.
i don't want to talk about this yet
13. exercise problem, triggering programming (objectification)
next thing…
oh. the big guns. okay.
14. the pain problem, and
15. the religious/spiritual problem
GREAT the two worst ones! that we struggle to talk about ALL THE TIME. and which are tied probably. also to everything else too.
it's 3am I don't have time to talk about those damn it
therapy is tomorrow anyway I PROMISE I will try REALLY DAMN HARD to talk about those both. we've been trying and I think she's going to ask about 14 specifically.
but
god I came on here to type about the shit that keeps happening and
I'm just going to bite the bullet
I think this is depression. this all-pervading apathy. plus programming.
BUT the therapist reminded us. the body just wants to survive, at all costs. this can make it do some PRETTY AWFUL SHIT. d.i.d. is a survival mechanism but it also doesn't play nice. if the only way to survive a toxic situation was to become someone toxic, THEN THAT HAPPENS.
that's our problem
explicit "blank" dissociation isn't feasible for interactions, like at school or work or with family SO, in those situations alters must exist in order to "safely survive" or some bullshit.
REMEMBER the body defines "survival" as "not being dead," WE define survival by "keeping the soul intact," THEY DON'T LINE UP ALL THE TIME, we lose too much.
read that. please. it hurts.
we lose too much.
the body decides, thanks to the depression haze, "nope, fck you people, too much effort to care or fight anymore, I am too damn tired, just get it over with."
just smile and take it, really
the bullshit they wanted us to do as a kid has FINALLY kicked in, thanks repeated trauma and prolonged stress. that was sarcasm. no thank you, this is hell, this is bullshit
the RELIGIOUS PROBLEM
MAKES THIS WORSE
I really don’t want to think about that any more today. but I have to summarize.
as much as I can at least, today I'm reading about "purity culture" and although a lot of it is totally alien to us (so much talk about men??? but I guess that's normal?) we can empathize with WAY TOO MUCH and so I am educating ourself. hence the quotes earlier. it really is helping get a grip on just WHERE and WHY these toxic programs came from, outside. it helps get a grip on what they are and WHY they are problematic, god willing (ironic perhaps) we will be able to finally heal them as a result. it's tough to pin this shit down when it's NORMALIZED after so many years.
but
shit
I really reallydont want to think about that anymore.
another relevant
quote:
"The purity movement both praises and demonizes the asexual person’s identity – which makes it the only queer identity that receives such treatment. It’s good – up until the point when it becomes a problem to be corrected." this "twin flame" thing
god I don’t even know what that's ABOUT anymore, it's been years since we read about it,
the gist is essentially that creation is polar? masculine/feminine are words we give to the two kinds of creative energy, they work in harmony, it's a universe thing. that manifests on this level as the binary physical sexes of things, to allow for procreation in that sense.
HOWEVER
three problems.
one, people in these spiritual communities saying "therefore, everyone has a counterpart of the opposite energy polarity!" and STRONGLY insinuating that this requires sexual union of some sort,
two, the resulting fear that "you NEED a relationship of that sort in order to be a PROPER SOUL," i.e. that it's a universal constant and if you're asexual/aromantic you REALLY ARE BROKEN AT THE CORE,
and three, us not ever fcking realizing that when OTHER people say "sex" they mean intercourse and procreation and touching and shit,
YEAH WE'RE REALLY CONFUSED.
so you see where THAT fear is coming from, on top of the "purity culture" thing WHICH SAYS,
1. a female-sexed body is inherently sexual,
2. if you have a female-sexed body you MUST "save it for a man,"
3. as well as "protect men from it,"
4. your purity will be the measure of your desirability,
5. you must get married and have children and be totally subservient to your husband,
6. good luck if you're not cis, straight, sexual, or romantic
you get the picture. bull SHIT.
except we believe it.
except we STILL FCKING BELIEVE
ALL OF IT on some level and it is HELL.
so.
do you get an idea
of what it is like living with ALTERS WHO RUN ON THAT SHIT
god I want to cry
I really fcking do I am
miserable the pain problem
the fcking
pain problem ties into all sorts of shit
we're discussing it with the therapist.
a piece we never put with it before.
1. we never had a "mother" figure growing up.
in other words, we never had someone to give us PURE SAFE COMPASSION and affection and closeness, MOTHERLY things, soft pink fluffy light vibes, as a child. none of that. NONE of that.
instead the person we called our "mother," and our grandmother who effectively WAS our "mother" from a caretaker standpoint… both of them used pain and anger and fear as disciplinary action.
the problem was, disciplinary action was the only time we got
real attention. you see where this is going
the mother did a lot for us. seriously, we thank her profusely for it and we are very glad for it. she took us to fairs and concerts and movies, she read to us and paid for our music lessons, we went on walks and played games together, etc. yeah for us personally a lot of it was VERY sensory overwhelming but the experiences were largely good. we're glad for that.
but. her presence in those things was utterly minimal, as a mother. all the time, she was a KID, she was someone I called "mom" but really who fit the bill of an older sister, or a single woman who was just around when I was. she didn't act married, she didn't act like a parent. I hate to sound cliché with that but it's the gist of it.
but. and this breaks my heart.
none of my parents were loved by their parents. NONE of them.
my grandfather, grandmother, and father were all outright ABUSED and my grandmother
justified it, even when telling me she "almost died" and she "couldn't forgive her father for years" and it "still hurts to think about." god that is SO FCKING SAD why didn't she
tell me before now, I'm fcking 25 years old and NOW my family is telling me that THEY went through shit too??? and now their behavior makes sense but it's SO SAD
my mother insists that my grandparents were very non-affectionate towards her, and she was very rebellious and angry towards them I know so. still is. but if my grandparents had such shitty treatment then it's NO WONDER they didn't know how to raise a child. plus i know for a FACT, because I've SEEN it, that their marriage is abusive. like it's terrifying sometimes, it comes out of nowhere
sooo stick those four people in a house together and give them a new baby to raise and something's gonna get fcked up somewhere down the line.
anyway that's not the point. I love them and forgive them totally. BUT.
the pain stuck. it's good, but it's bad.
they did not know how to show affection, largely. my dad did the best. he promised himself he'd never treat his kids like his parents treated him, and he really did a good job, as well as he could manage. I deeply am thankful for that.
but. the grandmother would hit us as children, if we did something bad. oftentimes I didn't know why.
and I have no fcking idea when that changed from "uh-oh, I'm in trouble, I'm gonna get beaten" and the paralyzing fear, the hiding anywhere I could find, the desperate hiding of sticks and belts so she couldn't harm us, into suddenly
wanting to be hurt?
it had to be around whatever time I started biting my arms and banging my head off the walls to relieve stress and anger and other awful overpowering emotions I couldn't express or understand. self-inflicted pain was profoundly reassuring in some terrible way, when it wasn't self-punishment that is… and even then it kind of gained a sick sort of value, a feeling of something REAL, a feeling of physical contact that was solid and tangible and not scary, something I had control over.
pain was… pain was the replacement for never having safe affection
pain was "touch" that I desperately needed in an innocent child way and never got the way I needed
pain was
god now I'm just going to start describing laurie aren't I
pain was protective and predictable and reassuring and scary too, but damn it at least it stayed with me, at least it stuck under my skin like fire and made me feel like I EXISTED for a while.
and then of course.
pain does give you endorphins.
addictions have started from lesser things
so.
take one part pain addiction,
one part lack of/ desperate need of affection & closeness,
one part childhood naïveté and hope,
and then
add in the purity culture shit.
add in the fear and self-doubt and confusion that came with it.
then add in julie.
you see where this is going
I've talked about this before I'm sure, countless times, but maybe not to this extent, maybe not with this much willingness to be brutally honest about the AFTEREFFECTS of it and the horrible consequences that we are STILL struggling with.
like I said we're discussing this in therapy for the first time EVER, I have no idea who's going to end up out talking about it, we might have to just turn on the A.P. and feed it mad amounts of data
hatchet, cannon, and jay all talked on monday. we got a lot discussed.
geez I just keep… I just keep skipping this topic,
I really really don’t want to talk about it,
all right so the brutal horrible shameful confusing suicidal truth is,
we are still addicted to pain,
we still are bereft of affection and human closeness.
we are still convinced this body is inherently sexual,
we are still convinced we exist to be an object of entertainment for others,
we are still convinced that our worth is determined by our sexuality,
we are still convinced that to "be good" we HAVE to be sexual,
and we are in an environment/culture that tends to emphasize a lot of this.
there are alters,
t
in this system,
who keep pursuing sexual violence
and abuse
BECAUSE
not only are they convinced it is "required to be holy"
but
the programming says "you must like/want this"
and
the pain and fear tied to it is confusing everyone else.
there it is, there's the fcking awful truth that makes me want to kill ourself every day,
you ruin sometihng once that's not enough,
we're not just damaged goods we're fcking trash,
we are literal fcking garbage,
you won't stop abusing this body because you're convinced it's "HOLY" or it's "GOD'S WILL"
GOD DOESN'T WANT YOU SELLING YOURSELF BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE INSISTED ON A PRICE TAG DAMN IT. YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN YOUR DAMN BIOLOGY.
except
except part of us learned the opposite and that part is the one screaming "I am the morally correct option"
why the hell
WHY
the blessed thing is that now that we're understanding what's going on,
where the time is going, who's doing what,
what triggers the bad people, etc.
headspace is getting REALLY PISSED OFF.
chaos and infinitii are not taking any shit from anyone with this
laurie is really freaked out because they keep targeting her so she's staying at a distance, (she doesn't understand this stuff anyway) BUT julie and lynne are helping her out,
hell ALL of headspace is together and helping out,
that's good at least, it's all color in here.
but outside
outside it's bleach and tar and it's killing us.
the bottom line is that one alter is convinced that sex=holiness and they are FORCING it no matter how traumatic it is,
and the other problem is,
they don't even realize what "sex" IS, and frankly neither do most of us
that's a really big fcking problem
because here's a fun fact for you,
the SLIGHTEST, SMALLEST trigger that could even be PERCIEVED as sexual, ESPECIALLY if it is direct (like within 2, 3 feet of us, or actual contact)… makes us INSTANTLY DISSOCIATE.
it's a recipe for disaster.
we said this before. "the ones who actually endured the abuse don't fight back." THAT IS WHY. because in order to fight back you need to be CONSCIOUS for the most part, and those situations are SO DAMN FRIGHTENING that NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN THEM.
no one but the killers at least, and "they aren't allowed out, they're mean, they're dangerous," no SHIT they're PROTECTORS,
but this one fcking alter, the WORST one, they are the worst because they are sugarcoated, this ONE alter decides to force trauma and DOESN’T CARE because,
they don't FEEL it,
they don't UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE DOING,
they are CONVINCED IT'S THE "RIGHT THING" fck I am so tired of going in circles
god how do we get this programming out of our head
how do we convince ourselves that we are allowed to live without selling ourself
how do we stop reducing our spiritual worth to whether or not we can "have sex"
how do we stop this shit
and,
how the fck do we separate affection/ closeness/ intimacy/ etc. from sex and sensuality,
because dear god, it is HORRIBLE,
to STILL be a child who just wants to be loved,
who just wants human attention,
and who only ever got violated or abused.
it's fcking bullshit
it's still happening
god i just want to
love people, i want to be able to love MYSELF/OURSELF without feeling like a fcking whore
or even worse, feeling damned to act like one because "that's the only fcking option i have"
we need a mother figure but we are so fcking terrified of women at this point, it's so sad, and this DAMN PROGRAMMING makes it so that the INSTANT someone touches us we go into PUPPET MODE and we freeze up and dissociate and put on a smile and start ACTING in a way that treats ourself like an OBJECT for the other person to fcking CONSUME.
DAMN IT OUR SELF-IMAGE LITERALLY SEES US AS AN OBJECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO USE AS THEY PLEASE AND IF WE GO AGAINST THAT WE ARE "A SINNER" OR SOME SHIT GOD
DAMN IT WE LITERALLY SEE OURSELF AS SOMETHING TO BE USED.
there I said it.
it's going to be really fcking hard to fight this alter until we fix that
it's power is coming from that exact mindset
"my worth is defined by my fckability"
in every goddamned context
I hate it
I hate it
god I hate it, we all do
I'm so tired.
I hope this makes some sort of sense, I can feel it got all jumbled at the end, I hope I closed up all the loose ends.
oh, forgot to mention.
16. we can't like/want/desire anything without it being both immoral and sexual
that was the big thing on friday.
we literally wouldn't even buy food for ourself because we "WANTED" it, and it wasn't absolute "basic food" (literally just raw vegetables) therefore it was a "luxury." so of COURSE we were UTTERLY FCKING ASHAMED for daring to WANT something, let alone something so SELFISH, a WASTE, etc.
we honestly screamed/sobbed for about an hour over what a "whore" we were for "being so selfish" etc.
it was terrible
but yeah that’s the eating disorder, tied into that yet again
the whole "can't want/desire" anything is largely spiritual. we get the gist of it mainly, but it's been badly twisted to the point of "if god doesn't give you food, you're not allowed to ask for any, because that's being demanding and egotistic." seriously. and it's always about food because let's face it, these damn bodies need food to run, and that belief goes down to the very basics.
but the "can't like anything" bit comes from the mother. again.
she is… she's an… I don't want to say this.
she exudes sexuality. too much. she reeks of it, to a bad extent. it's not her fault. but it makes us very uncomfortable around her. is it our fault? i don't know
but she's showy, too showy, we used to hate watching her eat, she makes such a noisy mess about it, she is literally addicted to food, she likes it TOO much, yes guess what… tied into sexuality again
she once said chocolate was "better than sex" and after that we could never watch her eat it because that's the vibe we'd get from it,
also probably why chocolate is strictly forbidden in this system
also sugar. also any sorts of sweet things. it's all fake sweetness. all stuff the mother would buy in lieu of actual affection. all stuff she'd eat with way too much obvious enjoyment for us to be comfortable.
I'm repeating myself, I've said all this before
but.
all that rooted in our head. and we have VERY BAD BOUNDARIES. you know that too.
that's a topic for tomorrow though, believe me, I've started a separate document so you WILL be hearing about it.
but the relevance here is, if SHE did something like that, we would feel OBLIGATED to do the same thing, because we could
feel it. we are that "sensitive" to people. we feel everything they do, sometimes.
so we couldn't tell if we REALLY felt the way she did, or if we were feeling HER emotions/ actions/ etc., or if we were MIMICKING her out of a lack of self-identity and the obligation to "be what they want"….
it makes life difficult.
point 8. the programming goes against everything we are.
why do I keep talking about this
I don't want this happening again, do you hear me, PLEASE
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE NEED
YOU'RE HURTING US, YOU'RE MAKING US SICK
I'M NOT LYING
I'M NOT SAYING IT BECAUSE I'M BAD
I'M NOT TRYING TO SHAME OR MANIPULATE YOU
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS BODY
YOU'RE NOT "DOING US A FAVOR" WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING
YOU'RE NOT "MAKING US HOLY"
OKAY
STOP
PLEASE
WE'RE ALL REALLY SCARED AND WE DON'T LIKE THIS
WE HURT A LOT AND WE MOSTLY WANT TO DIE
IF YOU STOP WE WON'T HAVE TO
if you stop
if you stop doing this we can say alive and get better okay
please, please, stop,
if you think stopping is not good then talk to us PLEASE
write notes if you have to, take recordings,
just STOP PLEASE
stop
why are you doing it, why
fck off it's NOT A "CONNECTION TO GOD"
YOU KNOW WHAT IS??
YOU KNOW WHAT
IS?????? THE SHIT YOU KEEP
FORBIDDING US FROM DOING BECAUSE
YOU KEEP
JUMPING THE FCK IN AND CORRUPTING IT
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING ABOUT "LIVING UP TO" THE GODDAMNED PROGRAM DAMN YOU
WE'RE ALLOWED TO BE DIFFERENT
WE'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS
I'm allowed to love people without having to have "sex" with them, okay?
Stop. You're regurgitating the most toxic phrase we've ever internalized and it is literally destroying us.
I don't want anyone writing anymorehere tonight its late and were feeling sick lets not think about this anymore tonight ok
therapy is tomorrow lets see what she says instead. good night everyone
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==>
who was tied to
before the solid NIER-induced gender shift in 2010.
