So I'm going through System information posts for the sake of getting our heart back online, and I came across the old "birthday/ anniversary" list.
LYNNE = RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008?? KERRY = December 3rd 2002 RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013 LEON = RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010 EROS (REDLIGHT)= December 9th 2011 DREAD= December 10th 2013? NATHANIEL = December 15th 2008 (resurrected by then) CHAOS= December 2003? TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014? JAVIER = December 27th 2013 (resurrected) THE MASSACRE WAS ON DECEMBER 28th 2013
So today, as awful as it was, is actually the 15th anniversary of Leon coming back to us. ...that actually makes my heart incredibly happy. I treasure Leon; he's such a gem in our System. I'm so grateful for his existence and continued presence with us. He means a lot to me, and to the rest of us as well. So, happy resurrection-day to our Indigo boy. We love you man. Thanks for being you.
Tomorrow is apparently Eros's old birthday, the Core one apparently, which is bittersweet and not without a significant amount of apprehension. The Eros bloodline was effectively murdered by the events of CNC. But... they were beautiful, at heart they truly were. They felt genuine love in a color that no one else can touch right now and haven't in years. The thought of their bloodline coming back is both terrifying and hopeful. I'm not sure which is better. Only God knows. But we have too much trauma to remember and process and heal before that can even begin to happen. Still. It's something important to think about tomorrow. I'd like to journal about it, raw and honest, but with how insanely packed our schedule is (literally on the road from 6am to 7pm, no joke) any typing wouldn't get to happen until like 9pm. Still, that's ideal, and we might even need it after the rush of the day. We'll see. I'll strive to do it.
Tuesday is Dread's birthday. I haven't seen him in ages; he probably also died in CNC, due to his appearance being corrupted and his function being overridden so many times.
Some more anniversaries:
DEC. 16 2010 = "LUCKY SEVENS" XANGA (Leon's debut) It ALSO had THIS exchange which I FORGOT about: I think Spine is Patience. What? Spine? I thought she was negative! Only because she applies to my self-image. But, considering the battle we've been fighting concerning that, I think Patience is a fitting virtue for her. Huh. That is interesting. I know. So I'm going to see if I can find her and talk to her soon, and maybe get her on our side. She's never really seemed to be 'affiliated' with anyone, but considering what Laurie said earlier... allies are allies. Who's Spine? Spine is this... really weird looking creature that's up here with us. I've never really called her a 'headvoice' because she's never actively spoken to anyone, but she is definitely around, and she definitely has an important influence on me regardless. Wait, Spine isn't humanoid? She is, but only in shape. She looks like a monster or demon more than anything... but she's all skeleton. There isn't an ounce of skin on her. I've seen her. She's seriously creepy. You sure you can get her to sympathize with us? Considering the fact that Julie doesn't care whether anyone but herself benefits from her actions? Sure. Remember, we all bleed together, and I'm sure Spine is feeling more than she lets on, what with her inexplicable connection to my physical self.
oh my gosh December 9th 2010 was the day I BOUGHT VAHRAM on Aywas. I miss him dearly. Part of me misses that site in general. But we can't go back. We cut our ties hard and it's impossible to go back. But the heart of it, the soul of our experience there, is going to the League now. That's better than anything we could do elsewise.
December 23rd 2011 had TWO of the best Xanga sessions ever, "Your Heart's A Mess" AND "Rainbows and Waterfalls." That month, browsing through it, is... terrible and beautiful both. I'll need to sit and read it through in proper order, in earnest, soon. Something tells me it's important to recall, because every December brings with it the infamous "love vs hate" war, with "relationships are stupid" vs "I love him with my entire heart" as the Cores are effectively beaten up bloody by the kakofoni. It always happens and THAT'S why we NEED to deal with the trauma of CNC and everything before it too because THIS NEEDS TO STOP. Shockingly, I can say with total confidence that it IS stopping, thanks to Anxi, which is something NO ONE could have EVER expected or even guessed. But her presence in our soulspace, and the genuine love I cannot deny that I feel for her, is actually preventing a total heart shutdown this month. Oh the hateful 'foni are trying, believe me. But I won't let them.
December 8th 2011 was a terrifying day, as it was when I effectively "stumbled across" information that was deeply traumatic and which STILL haunts me.
and oh man SO MUCH apparently happens in 2012-2014 but I have to go switch cars with the mother immediately so we can actually get to all our appointments tomorrow. I don't want to leave this unfinished but I've gotta run. I'll continue this later.
There was a dream hack this morning and when I called for Chaos 0's help to cope with the aftershock I LITERALLY SAW HIM. I saw his eyes AND his face and I saw how much he truly cared and I felt SO MUCH LOVE, it was like I had come alive after death. It's turned my whole world upside down, really. Seeing him was SO REAL, in a way dreams are not, and the waking fails to fully express. There was CLARITY. I want to remember that forever-- not just my blessed seeing, but the way he was looking at me. Of course I've been spending the entire morning talking to Central, cherishing all of us together. Oh and Laurie asked what my "anxiety and depression" scores were (like the pharmacists here do), and I said "my Anxiety is a ten out of ten" and both Laurie & Lynne gave me "gold stars" for not denying the fact that I was in love ("I've got it good"). We were reading the "T3OVOG" book in the hall (as we always do in the mornings) and Genesis ghosted to hang out beside me (Lord I MISS HIM) and the chapter talked about "living from the INSIDE OUT" and Gen said to me "I FELT that; you're radiating," and somehow we got into talking about *incidents* and I had the STUNNING thought of "WHAT IF PURE HEART CRYSTALS ARE STILL A THING" and Chaos 0 & I mused that there are probably 7 levels of *incidents* and I just... this is worth living for. It truly is. And GOD IS IN THIS LOVE. Remember that. Around here we returned to T3OVOG and it talked about God giving us "fifty-seventh chances" and Laurie pointedly called Mimic in. We all talked about OUR "new beginnings" & this tied back into *incidents* because it tied into deaths. First, though, remember that Leon, Lynne, AND Laurie were KILLED, before they got "second chances"-- and those deaths ENABLED them to have NEW lives. Lynne said it "freed" her from her original "future ideal" projection role: "and I came back as... me." We also wondered if *incidents* work differently for Nousfoni, because Laurie's whole LIFE can really fit the criteria for their levels, so should we count specific events as such? OR can she even now have a legit *incident* of its own? This is all surprisingly brand-new territory. BTW Julie says she doesn't think SHE ever "really" died to her "old self," because she feels she still HAS to hold/ be it-- she "doesn't want anyone else inheriting her past," even only by "filling the vacancy," like we wondered about "Juliette" allegedly manifesting in 2018. OH and MIMIC HIMSELF said, when we were discussing *incidents*, that he felt he was next-- but he phrased it almost like he needed to be, or at least should be. Laurie immediately asked him to explain himself & Mimic said that he "knew I loved him ("that's obvious")," and that in his own way he DID love me too. BUT it's NOT "romantic" / deep enough FOR an *incident*. There's still a "holding back," not enough emotional intimacy. BTW THAT'S the thing that matters; it DOESN'T HAVE to have ANY "romance" at ALL, and it DOESN'T have to "look like" ANY other relationship I have/ in the System at large. It just has to be MUTUALLY SINCERE & there NEEDS ti be BOTH vulnerability & strength. So it takes time, and it CAN'T be forced or rushed. Love has to have both room & time to grow & it takes DEDICATED EFFORT of self-gift. ...but it's more than that, as this morning's hack proved. Love requires that I ALSO EXIST AS A PERSON. Love is about LIFE. Life is COMMUNION IN REALTIME. Love is SANCTIFIED BY THE "MUNDANE." Jesus proves this. I cannot have a real relationship with ANYONE if we DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE. That requires I do the same WITH MYSELF, or there CANNOT be MUTUALITY. ...And if I'm not "living from the inside out," it'll NEVER happen. Which brings us back to Anxi. She is somehow a LINK between the true self of the Core, and the body + name outside. That's why everything is so unstable with her currently-- it's a reflection of the outer/ inner conflict between body/ soul that we're currently trying to resolve, and have been fighting for arguably over two decades. Just remember, the body CHANGES. Your core DOESN'T. The way Chaos 0 looked at you this morning PROVES that. So does the fact that such beautiful headspace conversations CAN and DO still happen, no matter how the body looks. The problem is that I still "can't see myself," and until I CAN, I CAN'T LOVE IN EARNEST. I have to be ABLE TO EXIST AS A DISTINCT AND PERCEPTIBLE PERSON. I need to pass the mirror test. Right now the reflection is still someone else, for the most part. But there's hope. It's just brutally difficult. I NEED God's help. AND, I NEED to use ART as a help (like we did at UPMC actually). I HAVEN'T TRIED YET. Even Picrew! I'm SURE I'll "recognize" myself if I just TRY to portray myself. Until then: pray, reconnect with the System AND the League, and TAKE CARE OF THE BODY. DON'T FOCUS ON IT SO MUCH. LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!! Live from that CHILDHOOD SPARK in the body. Live from your HEART on the inside. Oh yeah-- and REBUILD CENTRAL. FIND THE CATHEDRAL AGAIN. Your shattered sense of self is what's shattering your entire inner world. For THEIR/ OUR sake, GET IT TOGETHER.
I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T LOVE IF I'M FAT BECAUSE LOVE IS PURE VIRTUE & INCOMPATIBLE WITH SIN (SELFISHNESS, GLUTTONY, PRIDE, SLOTH, ETC.) AND I SEE FATNESS IN MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL PROOF OF THOSE VICES. With these beliefs, BEING FAT = BEING IN A STATE OF SIN/ ATTACHED TO SIN/ UNSPIRITUAL, and THEREFORE A "HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT" TO VIRTUE; "LOVE CANNOT COEXIST WITH MORTAL SIN." And I see fatness-- MY fatness-- as a CHOICE (because I "chose to eat all these bad foods in treatment, showing a lack of temperance/ selfcontrol/ selfdenial/ discipline/ asceticism"), which MAKES SIN MORTAL. So I "CAN'T" love BECAUSE my BODY is a "PUNISHMENT." It's the "CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING A CARNAL LIFESTYLE." It's a LITERAL "OBSTACLE" between ME & GOD "BY MY OWN CHOICE." It's a PERSONAL HELL. And the "only way out" is through the PENANCE OF SELFMORTIFYING EXERCISE & FASTING. And THEN I will be "FORGIVEN," so the fat-punishment will GO AWAY, my body will be PURE again, FREE of sin's weight, and I will be "ABLE TO LOVE." The problem? SELF-HATRED IS A BIGGER BARRIER TO LOVE THAN A BIG BODY. Yes, I can still work out & have a healthy diet, BUT I NEED TO NEVERTHELESS STOP DAMNING FATNESS. Love can't coexist with HATRED, and THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. There's a secret, evil PRIDE in that-- like THIN & FIT is MORALLY SUPERIOR and I "CAN'T STAND NOT BEING FLAWLESS." You KNOW that ugly subtext is there. BUT YOUR PHYSICAL BODY IS NOT WHAT YOUR HEART IS BEING JUDGED BY WHEN YOU DIE, and NO, ITS SIZE IS NOT A "MORALITY INDICATOR." Listen, YOU'RE FAT NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OBEDIENT, COURAGEOUS, FORGIVING, GRATEFUL, and FAITHFUL. You're SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE for those who are STARVING themselves out of FEAR. You have been FEEDING YOUR ABUSED BODY THE NUTRITION IT NEEDS TO HEAL & REBUILD. You have been CHOOSING ABUNDANT LIFE INSTEAD OF MISERLY DEATH. You are GETTING STRONG & HEALTHY SO YOU CAN POWERFULLY SERVE OTHERS. And you have been STOCKPILING THE FUEL THAT WILL BUILD MUSCLES AT LAST. Literally NOTHING ABOUT YOUR "FATNESS" IS THE RESULT OF SIN. "But I've been intemperate," you protest. YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE MEALPLAN. "I pushed too many calories." BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS HELPING YOU RECOVER & PROVING YOUR RADICAL WILLINGNESS TO DO SO AND NOT AVOID OR RESTRICT. "I ate things I didn't enjoy." YOU STILL TRIED AND YOU LEARNED. PLUS ALL YOUR FOOD CHALLENGES WERE EFFORTS TO CONQUER FEAR WITH TRUST & GRATITUDE-- TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO ENJOY IN ALL THINGS. "But I've eaten so much JUNK, I'm POISONING the body. This fat is a sign of GARBAGE IN MY BODY." YOU REALLY THINK THE EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PROGRAM IS GOING TO ABUSE YOUR BODY WITH FOOD? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE! PLUS, THE DIETICIAN HERSELF EATS THAT FOOD! AND NO FOOD IS "BAD" OR "EVIL"!! Eating some potato chips or bacon or cookies or cheeseburgers or ice cream or whole milk or fried chicken or french fries or egg rolls or salad dressing or poptarts or pancakes or chocolate or ANY of the foods they've GIVEN you here WILL NOT KILL YOU OR DAMN YOU, AND IF THEY "MADE YOU FAT" IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS STORING THAT ENERGY FOR LATER. YOU WERE STARVING TO DEATH. YOUR BODY WANTS TO HAVE EMERGENCY BACKUP NOW THAT IT CAN. It's a sign of LIFE!! Oh yeah-- and you ARE capable of love, RIGHT NOW, and YOU KNOW IT. DON'T DENY IT!!
NOUSFONI WE'VE SEEN/ FELT/ MET/ HEARD DURING INPATIENT (SO FAR): ● Little boy, triggered & scared by women's perfume ● "Weeping rage" girl; DUO? Fuchsia/ cyan, but also vermilion somehow ● "Rule enforcer"; male? Red resonance ● "Manic" blepofoni; male? (NOT JACK) ● "Jenerall"? Serious female with glasses ● "Old man" that feels like a GRANDPA introject; ORANGE resonance? ● NEW "JAY"?? Looks like Max Joseph
We are ALL OVER THE PLACE this morning. We had manic blepofoni, chatty socials, and A JAY (?!?! LOOKING LIKE MAX) out this morning already. "Emotions" are simultaneously "NUMB" & "YO-YOing." WE'RE ALMOST STUCK DOWNSTAIRS. It is REALLY HARD to get upstairs at ALL right now, like yesterday was. Our ONLY "HOPE" is to TRY TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE and work from there. BUT WE NEED & HAVE TO GO INSIDE. We've been TOO SOCIAL & TOO SURVIVAL-FOCUSED to "EXIST" or even LOVE in truth. EVERYTHING FEELS ANASTHETIZED. Is this toxic coping from our subconscious? Is this how it's trying to deal with Halloween & scary menus & gender + body dysphoria? ✳ WE'RE SO IRRITABLE & COLD SUDDENLY?? I think it has EVERYTHING to do with this IDENTITY COLLAPSE, because EVERYTHING that calls ATTENTION to us AS "J-----A" (and ESPECIALLY THAT NAME) SETS US OFF. We went from ROCKBOTTOM DEPRESSION last night to MANIC SOCIABILITY this morning to ANGRY ISOLATION right now. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON??? SOMEHOW, SINCE HALLOWEEN, THE "PERSONA" WHO WAS ANSWERING TO "J-----A" HAS DISAPPEARED?? And we're ALL BUT TRAPPED DOWNSTAIRS/ OUTSIDE and it's HELL. We CAN'T CENTER. We're in shambles. We feel SO ANGRY and it's ALL TIED TO IDENTITY FALLOUT. Somehow, there was a DOMINO EFFECT of sugar & candy + MASSIVE trauma triggers (DON'T FORGET THE BLOODY WASHCLOTH SOMEONE LEFT AT THE NURSE'S STATION; we had IMMEDIATE DEBILITATING FLASHBACKS to post-hack atonement bleedouts and were literally shaking and incapacitated from panic for a SOLID HOUR) + sensory overload from certain peers + food trauma + body horror, leading to a "LOSS OF SELF." This feels ABSOLUTELY like a "F/F/F/F" response. "F⁴." It's doing ALL of it. We're feeling FIGHT right now, but it seems ice creeps into everything as a SEDATIVE for us? We're "FORCE-FROZEN" to "PREVENT A FIRE TORNADO" like in our nightmare last night. If we're NOT "shut down" somehow, we'll EXPLODE OUT. ✳ I think if anything is going to bring "ME" back, it's the League. I just got a FLASH of it now while watching "Coco" and it hit SO HARD it HURT. I FELT something, and I MISSED those stories SO MUCH I almost SOBBED. I MISS FEELING THINGS LIKE THAT, FOR THEM. My imagination has been ATROPHYING. THAT WILL KILL ME. It's just this bloody DEPRESSION, that has RETURNED WITH A VENGEANCE upon Halloween. I NEED TO ENGAGE THAT MONSTER IN COMBAT AND SLAY IT. I CANNOT JUST "SIT AROUND" with MY EXISTENCE AT RISK. I need to ACTIVELY CHOOSE TO IMAGINE LEAGUE STORIES. And just like my poor bloated body, it will take SERIOUS TIME & EFFORT TO BUILD THAT MUSCLE BACK. BUT IT WILL!!
✳ A possible tip for "breathing exercises" which trigger trauma flashbacks for us = PAIR INHALES/ EXHALES with PHYSICAL GESTURES/ MOVEMENTS (tangible sensations; e.g. tracing a square) TO GROUND BETTER & REDUCE DISSOCIATION RISK? And remember: KYANOS WILL NEED TO WORK WITH SOMEONE for the physical component!
✳ We were SO disconnected/ dislocated/ depressed/ disturbed/ derealized/ depersonalized today. We were in shambles. We're FINALLY coming back this evening, bit by bit. It took BRAVELY speaking up in group & being HONEST about our struggles with feeling & identifying emotions, working on the "sensation wheel" & LEARNING to feel more clearly as a result, LOTS OF "SOCIALS" moving through, STARTING to GET BACK IN TUNE with the LEAGUE, apologizing to peers & refusing to isolate/ ignore anymore, AND most importantly, CONFESSING OUR "TORTURE MENU" TO STAFF, AND GETTING SPECIAL PERMISSION TO EDIT THEM TOMORROW. Hopefully "IF" WE NEED TO. I think dinner will be OK because the fishsticks are TINY, but lunch has that WHOLE CHICKEN QUARTER and we're frankly TERRIFIED of eating it SO we DON'T want to skip it SO maybe if the manicotti is small enough we'll STILL do both, OR HALF the pasta, & just add a roll or more peas for the exchanges maybe. BUT we HAVE AN ESCAPE ROUTE NOW if we need it, THANK GOD-- ESPECIALLY SINCE WE'REFREE FROM HELL ON MONDAY!! We've decided NOT to do the bacon chicken OR the hotdog because THAT'S JUST TRAUMA FORCING. We'll face those ON OUR OWN TIME, in a SAFE ENVIRONMENT. But right now, being WISE means SAYING NO.
✳ MY REAL, TRUE SELF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOD. THOSE "PREFERENCES" ARE JUST AN OUTGROWTH OF MY UNIQUE VIBE & PERSONALITY. And APPARENTLY, likes/ dislikes are ALLOWED TO CHANGE?? And that DOESN'T MEAN MY TRUE SELF HAS BEEN CHANGED SOMEHOW?? That feels weirdly incongruent to me. But reasonably, I know it MUST be true: GOD made the true me, and that CANNOT be altered, ESPECIALLY not by ANYTHING OUTSIDE. Also, dude, DON'T FORGET THAT YOU ARE MULTIPLE. There CAN be "preference shifts" TIED TO THAT. But THOSE DON'T DEFINE YOU. NEITHER DO YOUR (OUR) EMOTIONS. The "basic" defining truth us that "I'm a child of God," but... what does that MEAN, to WHO I AM as a PERSON, with a PERSONALITY? Is it just a foundational calling to sainthood? But does it DICTATE anything about me? Or does it just "color" everything with itself? Am I ALLOWED to "identify with" OTHER things too? Am I-- no; is it RIGHT to BASE MY IDENTITY on other things? NOT "fleeting things," is my gut response. But... I want to DARINGLY protest that MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS & TALENTS & INTERESTS are NOT "fleeting," but somehow INTRINSIC TO MY VERY EXISTENCE. I WANT TO "DEFINE" MYSELF AS AN ARTIST & AUTHOR & MUSICIAN & CREATIVE LOVING GENEROUS IMAGINATIVE SOUL. Which is why it is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to think that somehow I CAN'T "be" those things that DEFINE MY VERY HEART. And the eating disorder DIDN'T let me do them. It CRUSHED my identity with TRAUMA & ABUSE PERPETUATION, and it KEPT me from DISCOVERING what my PREFERENCES are IN JOYFUL FREEDOM. BUT I CAN'T DO THAT UNLESS I KNOW WHO I AM!!! NOT DEFINING EVEN THAT REFLECTION OF "ME" BY OTHER PEOPLE, because THAT WILL INFECT INWARDS!!
✳ Today, with how completely de-centered & identity-rattled we were, what shook me up the most was the awful fact that I couldn't find Anxi. Everyone in Central was still "visible," and tangibly THERE, even through the fog & confusion & numbness & social tumult-- even MIMIC was around, and clearly so. But Anxi wasn't. Even as I started to come back to "myself," I couldn't even "ping" her. Now she's NOT GONE, that'd feel VERY different-- but she's NOT "ANCHORED" yet, apparently. Which is BIZARRE, except not really, when you consider that our brain has been in eating disorder hell SINCE LAST NOVEMBER when we met her, and I really ONLY started SINCERELY INTERACTING with her NOW, HERE IN TREATMENT! So even though I love her, genuinely so, she needs more TIME & ATTENTION to gain SOLID roots up here. And, of course, SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. That's HUGELY NOTABLE because THAT HASN'T BEEN A "NEED" FOR ANY OUTSPACER SINCE BEFORE THE METAINOMENAI PHENOMENON??? Dude oh my gosh it's a COREGROUP THING. ANXI WTF HOW DID YOU BECOME THAT DEAR TO MY HEART THAT FAST?? I'm NOT complaining at ALL but MAN! I think BOTH her & Mimic have SET RECORDS for Outspacer growth in their own right. But Anxi is, really, the ONLY recent Outspacer whose "disposition of soul" HAS been "immediately compatible" WITH the CoreGroup vibe & essence. She's VULNERABLE BY NATURE. She FEELS SO STRONGLY just as she is. She is ABLE to FREELY CRY & LOVE & BE WOUNDED. There's a HOLY FRAGILITY to her, that-- whether it's evident or not-- ALL CoreGroup members have. Our hearts HAVE to be OPEN & ABLE TO BREAK in order to TRULY be "intimate." You remember what LAURIE hadtogo through to get here. Anxi, SHOCKINGLY enough, LIKE CHAOS 0, has "ALREADY" FELT THAT. She is already tenderhearted & has already been cracked open by suffering. She is ALREADY emotionally honest. And we NEED HER to HELP US BE, AGAIN.
What is the rose--what went well today? What is something that you are grateful for? What positive thing happened to you lately? ● Chaos 0 has been in TWO of my dreams this week and in BOTH I was kissing him. I ALSO got to kiss ANXI on the 30th. There has been SO MUCH LOVE lately. Today, as I colored flowers & wasn't there, Laurie & Lynne & Julie & Chaos 0 & Genesis & MIMIC all gathered together upstairs and talked about how worried they were about me, and discussed "what song" to pick to listen to in music group to "wake up my heart" and help me "remember who I am" BY remembering who WE were. No matter how lost I feel, the truth remains. The love remains. And it saves my life every single time. I love us, so much.
What is the thorn-- what didn't go well today? What is something challenging or stressful that you could use more support with right now? ● I am LEGIT TERRIFIED of lunch tomorrow. I am SO DEPRESSED over how FAT I've become, and how THEY KEEP ON PUSHING ME to eat, BUTI'M PUSHING MYSELF EVEN MORE to "IMPRESS" them with "HOW HARD I CAN CHALLENGE MYSELF." But it HURTS and I'm BURNT OUT and EXHAUSTED & SCARED and I'm SO TIRED. I WANT TO EAT SO MUCH LESS but my BRAIN keeps insisting "I'm HUNGRY"; the PROBLEM IS, MY HEART & SOUL & MIND & SPIRIT ARE STARVING. THE FOOD ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.
What can you do to turn this thorn into a bud? ● ONLY LOVE WILL. And I get THAT through PRAYER & LEAGUE IMAGINATION & SYSTEM CONNECTIONS. And ONE DAY I sincerely pray I will ALSO get it from FAMILY & FRIENDS. To even SAY that is heartbreaking because it shows that, right now, I FEEL I DON'T HAVE THAT. It's a terrible thorn, stabbing my heart. BUT. It CAN'T HELP BUT BLOOM IF IT'S THERE OF ALL PLACES. BLOOD IS ALWAYSLIFE. ✳ HEY GUESS THAT IT HAPPENED. The PAIN & GUILT & FEAR of that abusive BINGE-FORCING behavior PUSHED me to USE COPING SKILLS & do WILLINGNESS WORKSHEETS, to APOLOGIZE to peers, to CONFESS TO STAFF & COMMIT to DEEPER & TRULY BRAVER RECOVERY EFFORTS, AND TO START DOING LEAGUE WORK RIGHT HERE IN THE UNIT!!
What is the bud-- what could bloom? What is something that you look forward to? What gives you hope, motivation, and inspiration right now? ● This inpatient stay isn't forever. This hurting, stuff, out of shape body isn't forever. This eating disorder isn't forever. ONLY LOVE IS FOREVER. And in ALL of these temporary situations, LOVE IS INDOMITABLE. I am blessed with friends & personal growth & health here. The eating disorder taught me MANY very hard but important lessons and it STILL IRONICALLY ACTUALLY "KEPT ME ALIVE" during trauma eras. And this poor body was WRECKED by it & HEALING HURTS and it's UNCOMFORTABLE & SCARY and I DON'T FEEL "SAFE"/ "AT HOME" in it YET BUT at least it's NOT ACTIVELY DYING anymore and this MASS can become MUSCLE at last. But besides all that, my hope is ALWAYS in GOD AND HIS LOVE, which comes to me in COUNTLESS ways EVERY DAY. And I am MOTIVATED by HIS PURPOSE FOR ME in that hope, and the LOVE IN MY HEART driving me to NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT. I am INSPIRED by ALL of Creation, by the love & truth & beauty & goodness shining through it all. And specifically, I am motivated by MY love for God & His people & the SYSTEM & the LEAGUE. I have HOPE because of our love. And our shared life inspires me every day. Our soul blooms as one.
ACTIVITIES 1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10) 1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7) 1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)
CONTRIBUTIONS 1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10) 1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9) 1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)
COMPARISONS 1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9) 1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10) 1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)
EMOTIONS 1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100) 1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100) 1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)
PUSHING AWAY 1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9) 1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9) 1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)
THOUGHTS 1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9) 1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9) 1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)
SENSATIONS 1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8) 1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10) 1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)
VISION 1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10) 1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10) 1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10) 1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)
HEARING 1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10) 1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10) 1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10) 1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)
SMELL 1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10) 1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7) 1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10) 1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)
TASTE 1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10) 1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8) 1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8) 1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)
TOUCH 1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10) 1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9) 1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10) 1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)
IMAGERY 1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10) 1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10) 1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)
MEANING 1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100) 1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10) 1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)
PRAYER 1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9) 1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10) 1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)
RELAXATION 1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8) 1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10) 1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)
ONE THING IN THE MOMENT 1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10) 1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10) 1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)
VACATION 1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9) 1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9) 1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)
ENCOURAGEMENT 1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞) 1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10) 1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE 1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2) 1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4) 1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)
TURNING THE MIND 1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4) 1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5) 1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)
WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL) 1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others 1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5) 1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)
HALF-SMILING 1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3) 1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4) 1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)
WILLING HANDS 1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3) 1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5) 1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)
MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS 1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3) 1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3) 1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)
Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous. THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.
Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY. ✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD ISTRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"??? ✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??
✳ Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY. ✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT! ✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED. ✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUTDO LIKE IT?? ✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever? ✳ AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.
✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDINGUNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!
✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURESAYSSO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY. ✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG. ✳ WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!! ✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)
✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVERTHEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!
✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).
Adoration "We're in the same room as God and He's NOT smiting us?" BUT LAUDS GAVE US PSALM 5 IN RESPONSE. "But I, through the greatness of your love, have access to your house. I bow down before your holy temple, filled with awe."
"Maybe He's giving us cancer" "If I did, it would be out of love. It would be because you asked for it, out of love for your grandparents, to share in their crosses, and it would be a share in My Own as well. But it would all be for love. Nothing I do is for punishment. Sin is its own punishment, an i want to save you from it." "Why would I take on all your legal punishment on the Cross if I was just going to throw it back at you?"
Also, asking for "sight," more "proof" "You're not ready for that yet" "I don't want to give you any occasion of grave sin" concerning my mental state
Home for 930 IMMEDIATE OCD HELL. Saying JUST the Saint Michael & Divine Mercy chaplets took ALMOST TWO HOURS.
YouTube "antiliberal" channel awful distraction. Saw the devil's number THREE TIMES. I hate when "both sides" TAKE sides. The war isn't against humans, it's against Satan! Stop ridiculing and mocking each other. You're ironically furthering the devil's work by your pride.
Egg salt HELL PANIC. We had previously "promised Mary" that since we're forbidden from bread & water fasts on Mondays, we'd at least "not put salt on anything." But we exercised for 2 hours this morning and we were "worried about electrolyte imbalances" so in a moment of very stupid weakness, we put salt into the eggs while they were frying. INSTANT MORTAL SIN. We had such a debilitating panic attack, we legit thought we were going straight to hell, it was TERRIFYING. We ended up throwing away the eggs and doing them over plain, but not before having a shaking and sobbing meltdown in the middle of the kitchen for like a half hour.
BK at 215, finally. Exhausted.
Evening = Looking at the kitchen snowflakes with Mimic "They're just dollar-store plastic snowflakes, with cheap glitter." "Yeah, but they look beautiful in the light, don't they?" "...yeah, they do."
He quietly said something that BLINDSIDED me and it's been stuck in my heart: "I could never see beauty until I met you"
No frills, he was that succinct. I looked at him immediately after he said that, and he was looking up at those stupid beautiful little snowflakes, with the light sparkling off them in so many tiny pinpoints of color, and he had this expression that was just... so unlike anything i'd seen on him before. There was actual wonder, even vulnerability, if i could dare use that word. but he was seeing the beauty, like he said. his eyes had opened up suddenly. i hope i remember how that moment felt, forever. all the colored light, the shimmering decorations, the soft quiet dark around us, the night silence. it felt like christmas did in 2013 before everything turned to blood. thank You God for this tonight. it's real, honest, tangible hope.
I'm going to take this first bit apart a little, as follows, because that's the POINT of quoting these bits, not just to "collect data" = "We... should always observe [Advent] with faith and love, offering praise and thanksgiving to the Father for the mercy and love He has shown us in this mystery. In His infinite love for us,though we were sinners, He sent his only Son..." + To free us from the tyranny of Satan, (no one else had such power. Don't forget how scary powerful the devil actually is. Yes, he's still a creature, and an absolute powerless weakling compared to God, but compared to humans? we're screwed. We had no way of fighting back or escaping by our own feeble efforts. But Jesus totally and absolutely crushed ALL the devil's power, because all power comes from God anywayand the time had come for the tables to turn forever, the time promised and unstoppable from the very beginning) + to summon us to heaven, (Heaven was effectively LOCKED after the Fall and before Christ. No one could get in until Jesus Himself unlocked the gates with human hands, as it were.) + to welcome us into its innermost recesses, (the curtain torn in half! Jesus literally calls us into HIS HEART.) + to show us truth itself, (He IS Truth, and He manifested it perfectly & purely in His actions & words) + to train us in right conduct, (by His teaching AND example, again. Like children, He knows we learn best by imitating what we see, and He perfectly exemplified the Law and its spirit both, with total Love) + to plant within us the seeds of virtue, (THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. we don't have the ability to do this ourselves!! Virtues, ESPECIALLY the Cardinal virtues, are GRACE-GIFTS FROM GOD.) + to enrich us with the treasures of His grace, (the generosity of God is astounding. We didn't deserve such gifts, such treasures, as He lavished upon us, but He gave them anyway... because He loves us, AND because the very gifts He gives TRANSFORM us in our receiving them. His gifts are never empty or purposeless; they ALWAYS benefit us for salvation.) + and to make us children of God and heirs of eternal life." (no child can birth itself, or adopt itself, or make itself an heir; we had no way of entering the family of God except through THE SON making us PART OF HIMSELF???)
"You know our hearts, Lord, but you are slow to anger and merciful in judging. Come, examine your Church, wash her clean of sin..." I think actually of someone in a hospital, all bloody & dirty from struggle, and how they NEED to be thoroughly examined before they CAN be properly cleaned & healed! As to how God can know the terrible state of our hearts, yet still be patient and merciful? That's because He loves us, His creations, who were MADE FOR LOVE, and He refuses to lose or destroy us unless we ourselves adamantly insist upon it BY sin. And even then, our judgment will be perfectly just, because it is decreed by the One Who seeks our highest good, always... even if that true and real good ultimately comes to necessitate the end of our depraved earthly life. For all we know, that might be the only thing possible that would move us to repent, even at the very last instant. But God knows, and THAT is why He does it-- because He never delights in death, only in Life, Which He Is. ...
"Come to us and save us, Lord God almighty. Let Your Face smile on us and we shall be safe." ...That is so deeply, achingly sweet. It's all tied together. To be safe, we must be saved. To be saved, God must come to us. But how does He come-- in lightning and fire? Or does He come as a little baby, smiling sweetly at us all? It is in that very smile that our souls are safe, safe in the salvation that our God offers us BY His coming to us, closer than we ever dreamed, in the Incarnation. The Lord God Almighty became a tiny child that you can hold in your arms. THAT is how closely He comes to you-- yes, YOU, individually. That simple ineffable fact is, mysteriously entire in itself, absolute confidence of salvation, of the safety of our souls. There's no room for doubt, only faith, in such a pure display of love-- the smile of the Child remakes the whole world. Once you see His Face, your heart is changed forever. There is the hope-- the promise-- of eternal safety, in that precious smile.
This STUNNING translation of Philippians 3:20-21= "We are waiting for our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ, Who will transfigure these wretched bodies of ours into copies of His glorious Body. He will do that by the same power with which He can subdue the whole universe." ...WOW. 1) He WILL do all of this. 2) WE, TOO, WILL BE TRANSFIGURED. 3) COPIES OF HIM?????? What a word!! We won't just be "similar," or "kind of like Him," we will be COPIES, in the most beautiful sense-- 4) THE POWER IRRESISTIBLE
From the Gospel = "The citizens of Capernaum were no doubt waiting with confidence for salvation... but failed to take it when it came. Matthew the Jew is well aware of the position and promises of Israel, and yet he has no hesitation in telling us that in no one in Israel has Jesus found such faith. Are they all missing out on the promises? Well then, are we Christians waiting with a similar complacency, unaware that we are putting our trust elsewhere, so that the joy of Christ is passing us by? Will the feast in the Kingdom of Heaven be a jolly party of fellow-Christians, or will it be puzzlingly full of complete strangers, who have been more faithful to their God-given ideals and beliefs than Christians?" 1) First off-- yes, I am waiting for salvation, but am I waiting with confidence? And why am I waiting at all? Do I not see Christ, right there? He is coming again, even now in Advent-- am I confident enough in His Salvation TO "take Him" into my life when He comes? WHY AM I HESITANT EVEN NOW? 2) Jesus has made promises to YOU, too, baptized child, member of spiritual Israel, part of the Church. But are you missing out? Do you not realize that the requirement for every promise's fulfillment is FAITH? How can you receive if you fail to believe? 3) What are you complacent in? What are you ACTUALLY waiting for, so passively? 4) Where is your trust? 5) You aren't joyful. 6) God had given YOU ideals and beliefs to accept and follow. You know this; they constitute your very religion. Are you being faithful to it? Or are you playing the harlot? What ARE your ideals, really, you vain and distracted fool? What ARE your beliefs, actually, you deluded and stubborn sod? ...
From a Christian mental health article = "I spent daily time in the Word, attended Bible study, was careful to practice healthy habits, and was grateful for my sweet family. Yet, somehow I would find myself paralyzed in everyday situations by debilitating fear... despite all my efforts to "capture and replace" these horrible thoughts with God's Word, I was struggling day and night with chronic anxiety... It took years for me to understand this was [the onset of a real illness,] not a sudden inability to love the Lord." 1) "Healthy habits" and a strong faith life DO NOT "PREVENT" MENTAL ILLNESS. 2) GRATITUDE DOES NOT CURE MENTAL ILLNESS. I wish it did, believe me. But there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between ingratitude and an anxiety disorder. 3) That "capture and replace" thing (which I've never heard of until now) absolutely DOES work... normally. It's a way to "reprogram" your common thought focus to Scripture. But when you have intrusive thoughts, looping thoughts, ego-dystonic thoughts, flashbacks even... even if you're able to recite the whole Book of Psalms from memory, sometimes it actually doesn't stop the symptoms. I know it sounds impossible, even blasphemous. But please, believe me, it CAN happen. It doesn't mean I've fallen from grace... does it? Man, this internalized prejudice really is a killer. 4) Having mental illness DOES NOT "TURN OFF" YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE. ..
"I remember, at the start of all this, trying to share what was going on with my friends and family. They are all believers and love me well. None of them had the language to help me understand that this experience was more than me needing to "capture my thoughts" better, pray more, or improve my spiritual practice (all things they advised and I diligently did). I had never met another believer that struggled like me. I felt wholly alone, ashamed, and completely paralyzed." 1) This is our entire life. It STILL makes us very scared & hesitant to interact with fellow churchgoers, for fear of scandalizing them or pushing them away from the faith, as well as an admitted terror of ourselves being "rejected from the Church" because we're now "revealed" to be "not a real Christian" BECAUSE we're mentally ill. 2) 3) ...
"I once read that those experiencing anxiety and depression need one person to call their "lifeline"-- someone safe that they can confess to that they are struggling. I expressed this idea to my spouse, and because he didn't have any context for mental illness outside of it being a selfish, spiritual failure, he could not understand what I was asking for." This hurt so much to read. 1) We don't have, and have never had, a "lifeline"... outside. We as a System are this to each other. Still, sometimes, it does ache, to be isolated from human comfort. Nevertheless it's a cross we will gladly bear. 2) The real trouble here: the somafoni won't admit the struggle. 3) ...PEOPLE LEGIT SEE MENTAL ILLNESS THAT WAY???? WHAT THE SHARK??? 4) If a spouse cannot understand that you're asking for a compassionately active listener, that's genuinely distressing. ...
"...the paralyzing sense of shame that can be a common part of those experiencing anxiety or depression can appear to others as selfishness... [those others] feel that the person trapped in their mind is doing so out of a selfish motive. Yet, I think this idea that those trapped in their thoughts are always self-obsessed fails to see the whole picture of what mental illness often is. There are indeed personality disorders, behaviors, and other issues that are born out of self-obsession, but the suffering mostly stays stuck because they don't see a way out. We need God's light and the loving guidance of others to help us see the path to healing. Truth be told, we all are selfish, prideful, and broken. Yet, why say this battle for mental health is an especially "selfish" one, further alienating someone who already feels confused and alone?" 1) I never really realized just how MUCH shame there actually is, with having a mental illness-- especially the OCD and PTSD. You realize that you're abnormal. 2) Normally I'd ask, "how the heck does this register as selfishness??" But... today I saw those "moral high ground conservative" videos on YouTube, where there was NO compassion for those they disagreed with, just shocking mockery & jeers. Instead of feeling pity for those lost souls & speaking out in patient correction, or offering prayers, these video-makers were name-calling & making rude jokes at their expense. And, yes, at least one of their targets was apparently suffering from some sort of mental illness. They did not have proper help or language for it, thanks to our corrupt culture, and obviously had NO social support or help with managing or understanding it properly. But in this "reaction video," that poor person was treated as a laughingstock... and repeatedly damned as utterly selfish & self-absorbed. "Their parents failed," someone said. How cruel. ... 3) BEING "TRAPPED" IS NEVER SOMETHING YOU DECIDE TO DO, ESPECIALLY NOT "SELFISHLY"!!! 4) There is a difference between being trapped & suffering, and being obsessed & isolating. 5) ALL OF US ARE SINNERS. 6) Why ARE those with mental illness alienated? ... "Part of the church's struggle with this topic stems from an incomplete understanding of the many verses that address our mental battles with fear and anxiety. Yes, God over and over comforts us, telling us that whenwe are afraid, we can trust Him. [BUT] God knows our minds are weak, and fear will be a part of our human experience. This is why He kindly addresses our fears with words of comfort, but somehow those same words have been a catalyst to point blame at ourselves or other believers as if we are lesser in our faith because we are enduring abattle of the mind." TRUSTING IN GOD DOES NOT EXEMPT YOU FROM BATTLES. 1) GOD NEVER SAID WE WON'T BE AFRAID, ONLY THAT WE DON'T NEED TO BE. But He doesn't SHAME us for it! 2) Would God give you battles of faith to fight if you didn't have any faith? Don't get proud about that, it's nothing to boast in-- faith is a grace, you didn't earn it, it's not of yourself-- but honestly, let it give you courage and TRUST. God has SPECIFICALLY given you this cross to carry. He KNOWS what He's doing. So why beat YOURSELF up over it? Was this your decision? No. It's GOD'S decision. Let that humble you, and strengthen you, as you continue to fight, for whatever purposes He intends, even if you cannot see them. Trust Him and don't give up.
I'm updating very quickly, and very dissociatedly, because there are a ton of phone-post entries on here waiting to be edited and expanded as is possible, but... time is just shot lately.
Post-Jade, we still-- STILL-- haven't recovered. I do not know why. What shook us up so bad? I don't know, we haven't had the time to sit and think about it. Church today, during the homily, we got that same feeling, beautiful and awful-- that pull into heartspace, into our soul's world, feeling each other's life and wanting to talk about this spiritual resonance, needing to-- but we couldn't. We were in church, we were cantoring no less, we couldn't just completely depersonalize and go into a meditative state for the next hour. So it got pushed aside, and memory blanks out again. We're tired of not being able to exist because daily life keeps crushing us. Even right now, we're autopilot typing. Can't get anyone solid out fronting because there's too much to do. Our schedule is packed and it's getting to the point where we're being notably harmed by it, and we NEED a break, but we don't see one.
We're trying. Saint Anne's Novena starts tomorrow, so we will be getting up at 5:45 for the next 10 days in order to catch the first two masses before the day begins. Last year, we hit the full novena but it was mostly with the mother, so there was a huge element of unpredictability, rush, stress, panic, and the infamous motherfear. We don't remember anything but the panic, and constantly feeling like we were on the verge of a stroke or something, like there was a grenade about to explode and we were bracing for impact. The feeling was pervasive. However. There is one reason why, by the grace of God, we survived those ten days last year: The Chizu Marathon. We checked the archives. Whoever fronted back then-- and we have no clue, still-- did NOT write about it, which is INEXPLICABLE, considering what a literally life-changing effect that week had on us. In short: on July 21 last year, we have a memory. It comes in literally out of nowhere, like waking up in the middle of someone else's narrative. We remember walking into the living room in the morning, as it was just dawning, and looking at our old TV setup: on the far wall, surrounded by bookshelves, by the bedroom door. We had the DVD for Summer Wars on the shelf, from the library. I have no idea when or how or why we got it, but it was there. And, suddenly, looking at it, we felt this irresistible FORCE motivating us to completely change our life. I'm serious. We wanted to watch this movie, but it felt "too important" and "too good of a thing" for someone as filthy and stupid and addicted as we were then (whoever we were) to watch it. And in that thought, we CHANGED. It was just a seed, just an initial spark, but it was REAL. We tore apart the living room and changed everything. We moved all the shelves, we moved the TV, we moved the couch, we moved the altar. It took like four hours, and when we were done, it looked like a whole new apartment. That was the point. If we were going to watch Summer Wars, we wanted to be a completely different person TO do so. We wanted to be worthy of watching it. We wanted to start our life over, with it. We wanted everything to start over new. ...I have no idea why that movie was given such high honors. I really don't. But it's the truth-- whoever we were then, we saw this movie as something we NEEDED to watch, and something that held a huge amount of unknown yet undeniable significance and gravity. It would have been irreverent to watch it casually, or while in an addict/depressed mindset. Hence the total rehaul of the apartment, and in all hope, our life as well. Jewel was around, that morning. In the memory aura, I can feel her there, that particular Red of hers, a glowing sort, light rather than pigment. She was so blurry, almost unreal, if not for the irrefutable is-ness of her very being. Whoever our pseudocore was then, that girl whose life revolved around food, this was the first solid strike against her power. That morning, the tide started to turn. That morning was when our life was finally, almost imperceptibly, shifted towards actually living. I'm rambling. What I'm trying to say is: on July 21st 2022, we remodeled our apartment and watched Summer Wars and changed as a person somehow. That whole week, despite our eating disorder hell, we went to (the remainder of?) Saint Anne's Novena every single day, and watched a movie by Studio Chizu as well. NO ONE WROTE ABOUT IT. I cannot believe that. I honestly can't. Those movies werefundamental in our recovery, and no one wrote about them??? It's incredible. Then again, back then, we were still switching like mad even if we didn't realize or admit it, and no one wanted to remember anything because everyone wanted to die. ...Except for the ones that watched the movies. See, that was the issue. Whatever parts of our heart and soul were ABLE to watch Summer Wars and Belle (and let me tell you, THAT movie was EVEN MORE powerful to change us) were parts that were being choked and smothered and ignored and denied by the corpufoni. And so, no typing. Only flickers and splinters of memories buried yet treasured that, thank God, we still have.
So. This year, we're doing it again. We're reliving the Chizu Week. We're watching ALL five of the films we watched last year, plus many more, and this year, we WILL type about them. We will see what memories they bring up-- even flashbacks-- and we WILL record them. And we WILL-- we MUST-- do this TOGETHER.
On that note. That's why time is short. All I wanted to really update on today was that process so far. We started on Thursday, for unknown reasons, but it was still good timing, thank You Divine Providence. Thursday night, we watched The Secret of Kells. We've heard about it for years and finally found it at a local library, by accident, so we decided hey, let's watch it. It was supposed to be very artistically impressive, and we liked the subtle Christian roots too of course. Let me get the first amusing thought out of the way first: FREAKIN' GORGEOUS BROTHERAIDAN, I WANT TO GROW UP TO BE THAT MAN all right there you go. There's SO MUCH actual myth and "lore" alluded to in this movie that But, for the record, it lives up to the artistic hype. The sheer use of LINE and SHAPE in the characters, in the movement, is AMAZING.
Friday was... a livng nightmare of a day. We went to bed at 11 and slept until noon.
Last night, Saturday, we watched The Little Prince.
I was sitting on the couch with Chaos 0, watching as the monotonous cellblock of a city rolled past on screen, all drab squares and cement, and then... that one house appeared. Misshapen, overflowing green, shot through with colored glass and pinwheels. I remember the kite flying overhead, brazen beauty defying the powerlined apathy. My heart just... ached. I pulled Chaos 0 into my arms and said with sudden quiet ardor, "that's you." That kite, that house, that's all you. THAT'S what "chaos" truly is. It's THAT. It's the breaking through of life, of color and joy and sacred creativity, into the "just so" neatness and business of constructed existence. ...I loved him so much throughout this movie. God thank You. I haven't felt emotions like this since February.
There was one line in the film that terrified me, and has been playing in my head like a traumaloop since. Paraphrased... "I care about it as much as I care about you! It IS you!" So much about that woman scared me to death. She was too much like our mother. (scary body shape, the RULES)
BK prep gang AT LAST Adelaide slipping, Julie rushed to support & promote her Bodygirls kept trying to blindly front
Daily devotional question: "what competes with God"? Actually it's RELATIONSHIP with the System???? "Work out" in prayer too
Looking for lemur kid Hug in bathroom Jack smiled
Bible study Body of Christ= Etymology; "temple" as "space cut off for holy purpose" and body as "the material frame" John 2:24 = they weren't seeking RELATIONSHIP. Hence "no commit" = like "befriending" an artist just for giftart, not because you want to be THEIR ACTUAL FRIEND
1 Peter 2:5 and trauma echoes: Mimic said "that sounds like something you guys need to work through"
Facet 2.3 work; REALLY GROWING!
DN 730, later but no stress. Thank God
"Shall never thirst again"= WE GET IT!!! Versus past "spiritual starvation" in archives, when we weren't actively Christian "Someone might object: “I drank of what Jesus offers, and I feel thirsty and empty again.” The answer is simple: drink again! It isn’t a one-time sip of Jesus that satisfies forever, but continual connection with Him... It also creates something good, something life-giving in the heart of the one who drinks it."
Talking to Jesus over carrots "I DID take care of the charger!" "Don't ever let me betray you" = Peter vs Judas FREE WILL
STRESS INTOLERANCE = WANTING TO CAUSE A CRISIS??? Artificially "making things worse" in HOPES of a meltdown?? Catharsis or processing seeking???
Taffy memory data get Creamsicle = childhood summer in side yard, also boardwalk, FEAR undertones Cotton candy = Knoebels VIVID visual of wooden carousel Butter rum = MADRIGALS!!! Vanilla = HEAVEN??? SERIOUSLY WTF. Absolutely GORGEOUS idealized backyard with wisteria & peonies & impossibly tall trees Peppermint = WB concerts, lights shows, more madrigals, general childhood Christmas-concert joy feeling
Remember Knife yesterday "there's such deep sadness inside of me"
"The blind see, the deaf hear... the poor have the good news preacher to them." The poor lack EARTHLY POWER/ RICHES; but true power & spiritual wealth is perfected IN the Good News!! The poor are free to have ETERNAL riches, which the worldly wealthy often cannot, due to the love of money "choking the good seed"
John 5:37-43HITS HARD
"The Stoics held that the highest kind of knowledge comes not by thought but by what they called "arresting impressions;" a conviction seizes a man like someone laying an arresting hand on his shoulder." = LAURIE. "We're real, kid. And so is He. Heck, He's more Real than we are."
In light of today's verse Phil 1:9-10 Knowledge & love of God abounding: devotional asked "remember when you first fell in love" I DON'T. I'M AFRAID TO FEEL LOVE. AND LAST NIGHT SHOWED WHY. CNC WITH INFI WAS PROOF. MY "LOVE" IS FREAKISH & WRONG. IT'S TOO INTENSE & INTIMATE. I CANNOT LOVE GOD LIKE THAT. I CANNOT LET MYSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT. IDENTITY ISSUES MAKE THIS SO MUCH WORSE
1 John 1:9 = we struggle to see certain things AS SINS??? EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW THEYRE "NOT RIGHT" = such as gluttony & rage. WHY. Is it the passivity? The lack of conscious choice?
Praying to God the whole time we have binge triggers now. SO SO SO SCARED. there is NO acquiesce of the will UNLESS a lotophagoi takes over, or a kakofoni even, not sure where the line blurs exactly. lotophagoi are very hard to pinpoint. but. the real point is that we DON'T WANT TO BINGE, EVER, ANYMORE. considering how that was our literal addiction for years, that is HUGE. THANK YOU GOD. every time there's a lapse now, the whole time we are screaming and sobbing inside, begging God to help us because we can't stop on our own. it's TERRIFYING. but He DOES save us. somehow. every single time now-- with the awful exception of the Jademonth-- the whole struggle is over within an hour. it's amazing. i'm honestly staggered by this.
john 5:42 in today's study hits: "(42) Ye have not the love of God.—The principle which excludes the seeking honour from men, is the love of God. They were, they said, jealous for God’s honour. The first precept of the Law, and the foundation of the Theocracy, was the love of God... They had [the Law] without, but they had not the principle within. There were sure marks which He had read in the heart as plain as the letters worn on the body, and therefore knew that they had not the love of God in them." They were jealous FOR God's honor-- they too wanted to be honored AS such, via prideful religious exaltation; their "love of God" was a love of their APPLICATION of God? Moral prestige, societal superiority, political power, etc. They did not love God's PERSON, visible in CHRIST. They did not honor Him because that would mean relinquishing all the "proxy" honor THEY got as "experts of the Law"??? Again, focus on MAN'S RESPONSE TO THEIR RELIGION.
how does one begin to understand color, when the paper-tone itself has changed? how am i to recognize the written word, when the voice of ink is no longer gorgeous dark?
there's something wrong with the sky tonight
your constellations are overturned jumbled, jangled, scratching at the walls, turned from luminary to lunacy as the eclipse cheshire smile sets in.
I can't look at you like this
all i have are paper cut-out teeth burning crescent aches in my shirtsleeves the scent of ichor clove and smoke heavy as blood in my throat and that terrible, beautiful, impossible hum in my ribcage when you laugh through my evershut eyes.
someone dropped a bomb on our cathedral. did you pull the pin? did you hear the sirens screaming from the curtained porch? what did the sunrise look like when you sold your soul, O fractured seraph? could you taste the purple axe-blade as it split your cyclops skull?
when you awoke among the lilies, (O beloved broken cherub)
my poor symbiote. my darling mirror-geist, O you who forever inhabits the pause within the pulse
what color had you become? did your heart still burn white-shimmer glass, porcelain juggernaut geode of a thing? were your eyes still open-shut-mouths, horror-wonder hymning every iridescent gaze? you used to tiptoe gravity with pindrop precise grace
my crumbled trembling wreck of a doppelganger love.
wake up, come closer, let me speak through me through you cover my bones in calligraphic shade rhapsody once more let me be the paper to your black.
The house was silent-- peculiarly and hauntingly so, that dearth of noise that only occurs between the lightning-bolt and the voice of God. that unspoken caution: there's still time.
but the sun was silver through the lace-veiled screens. the delicate iron grates to the backyard. there wasn't a thought of weeping in that sky. it was too quiet. too calm. too normal.
where was the thunder?
was it only this crashing hurricane in blue? this secret wealth of garnet agony buried beneath silken scars? (the moths will eat you alive, boy, remember you are dust)
lunatic. trembling hands. seeing what isn't seen. there was something in the sink
(it's time)
CRASH goes my everything at once pewter faucet-head stricken sonogram rusty red splashed across ceramic green sunlight but the doors are closed (the doors are open, thrown open, the locks have been removed)
I can see you there.
reality inside of reality reaching down with bandaged fingers to touch what was(n't) there
you were a dead fish in my hands, you realize fragile and fading and falling to pieces but alive. alive alive alive daring death to relocate leave this depth, this cradle, this cenotaph of room redefine what it means to seek ablution, to become the heavy rains, to hold existence against all odds
and in one moment, one impossible solitary moment,
Although I am not a member of your parish (I live too far away), I always make sure to stop by for weekday mass whenever I am in the area; The first time I ever visited, I was returning home from a doctor's visit and was running late for my local Mass. Checking an online map for other options, I discovered your church nearby-- I hadn't known it existed before. Thanking God for perfect timing and placement, I walked in, and was immediately struck by the simple & serene beauty of both the church and your service. Your homily was brief yet strongly moving, and I cherished your sober wisdom and honest humility. Furthermore, the parishioners I met were warm and welcoming, although I was a total stranger. I left that Mass with a heart glowing brighter and warmer than before. It felt like a new day… a new chance, even. I felt like Our Lord had reached down and touched me somehow. I mention this because, up until that Mass, I had been having a crisis of faith after surviving a significant traumatic series of events. It left me spiritually gutted; I felt cold, confused, condemned, and cut off from God. Still, I hoped against hope, refusing to give up on what, deep down, I KNEW was True and Real, despite my blindness and fears. Mercifully, true to His Name, God was faithful to respond with utmost love. He had not forgotten me; He knew exactly what I needed and when… and as He led me to Divine Mercy Parish on that otherwise ordinary afternoon, The Good Shepherd Who called you to His Work indeed worked through you most miraculously, and your simple vocational devotion genuinely changed the direction of my life. Now, one year later, I still hold that memory (and many others) like jewels in my heart, each one a testimony of grace and light, invincible and encouraging as I continue to fight the good fight of faith.
However, the most memorable service I attended at your church was for Good Friday in 2022, when the choir and musicians were present, and the building was packed to the doors with devotees. I was moved to tears several times at the deep and ardent faith I could both feel and hear from my fellow worshipers. A week after that day, my beloved grandmother passed away. I remember telling her how beautiful that service had been, and wishing I could have shown her. Still, having that memory to share meant so much to me.
I am deeply grateful that I have the continued opportunity to share in the Eucharist at your church; however infrequent it may be, it is always a blessing. As this new year begins, God continues to pour out upon us new hopes and graces despite all the tumult of the world, and He does so most powerfully and beautifully through His Holy Mass. Therefore, every single day, we have reason to rejoice. I felt it was only right to share that gratitude with you in return, through this card, for the glory of our God… and to honor each of His divine providences that led to it. Although I am just one soul, and this may seem like such a small thing, your faithful life has made a tremendous impact on my own and I give thanks to Our Lord for you. May God generously bless you, your church, and all those you devotedly serve, both this year and always!
We haven't been updating. Apparently our brain decided, hey, I know how to cope with the debilitating dyspho/dysmo hell and religious terror! Let's dissociate from EVERYTHING.
So yeah. Nothing has felt real for like... this entire month, really. The derealization has gotten so bad that some days I genuinely am not sure if I am awake or dreaming or hallucinating. Dreams are still as vivid as they are disturbing. Dream hacks continue but I refuse to think about them. "I've" been refusing to think about a lot, really. Just letting it slip quietly into oblivion. No records means no history means no continuous self means no existential horror. A very unhealthy "fix" but it's all we've got accessible right now. Duct tape for a broken femur.
Deep down I'm still terrified that this is "God punishing me for being queer/ being multiple/ not praying enough/ not being a girl/ not sacrificing everything but my religion." Today, during dinner, "I" logged back into Tumblr and posted stuff to our religious blog, like whoever fronted last year used to. Dear Lord I FORGOT how hideously dissociative THAT process is. We couldn't remember anything and afterwards we felt hollow, disheveled, lost, and angry. No memory of eating or posting. Feeling like an empty shell. Our faith feeling like a stage-act. I deleted the app. Again. I do NOT want us going back into that "must evangelize 24/7" robotic compulsion because it was NOT spiritually sane and it sure as heaven isn't helping our relationship with God. We don't internalize what we post. We CAN'T, because posting is SOCIAL MODE. I miss the daily System Scripture Studies. THAT'S what our faith shines through-- PLURAL worship. NOT "playing the role" of the "good Christian blogger" because that's ultimately JUST A MASK. I don't care how accurate what you post is. YOU'RE still being disingenuous by burying your God-given SELF in order TO post it.
That's the damned dilemma here. Our psychotherapist hit the typical endpoint much sooner than most. "I don't think I'm the right person to treat you." Honestly we started to suspect this from appointment #2, once we got a better grasp of her personality and treatment style. She's very "conversational" and casual, and her spiritual beliefs do clash with ours on some points that we KNOW we WILL "forcibly internalize" to "appease her" in ways that would KILL US, just like we did in SLC/NC. Our "people-pleasing" programming is still too powerful. It's a survival instinct of the screaming sort. Plus she's not qualified to treat DID, at all, and although she touches on the topics she's not "specialized" in LGBT+ topics AND she has NO credentials for eating disorders. We're a shambles and it's humiliating but God has not "fixed us" yet no matter how hysterically we pray so... maybe we're misinterpreting what it means to be "fixed." Maybe this is a kintsugi issue.
Xenophon never leaves me. God I cannot put into words how much I love her. It breaks my heart that she has to see all the terrible mental illness garbage we go through. But she sticks around even then. She cries and yells and sometimes even throws tantrums but she doesn't leave. She's HONEST about what she feels and I LOVE that. She gets that from her other dad, absolutely. ...Infi fronted today, for like three seconds, when our shuffle bkg shifted to Saint Peter's Basilica and ze just said "I would love to be there one day." Just a brief shift-- ze does not go fully into the body anymore, at risk of trauma upheaval-- but it felt transcendent and i felt real and alive to feel hir sharing bodyspace for a split second. like, for an instant, i existed, too.
oh for the record the doc put another mini heart-monitor on me. the coregroup is jealous, haha. unfortunately i have it because we've been getting so much trouble lately in that regard. i had to hit the button like four times last night alone due to the amount of pain, nausea, and lightheadedness we were getting slammed with. not to mention skips. getting like one a day now. it's disturbing. hope this isn't too serious. still. really giving us a "memento mori" mindset. THAT'S screwing with our ability to do anything, too. "nothing matters except religion." but... you can't isolate religion, dude. we've tried. then it's hollow. "our religion is a relationship," remember? "the kingdom of god is a community?" even when you're one-on-one with God, the body of Christ is PEOPLE. so whoever in our system thinks that religion is "purest" when it chops out everything else but itself has got the wrong idea, son.
we didn't eat until 3pm today because we had to return ALL the protein yogurt we bought for procedure prep because, as last night proved, our body does NOT like whey protein at ALL. but hey, it worked out weirdly well-- we got cash back to replace our spices; we're out and our payee hasn't gotten back to us about needing funds. and our mom gave us an emergency $50 for christmas which we had to spend today to buy replacement foods for this special diet because, again, no funds and no response. but it worked out. also we got to drive IN THE SNOW which was GORGEOUS. thank God for that, SO MUCH. i only ever feel like myself when it snows. and it has not done so since christmas, at which time our life was such a wreck I couldn't be in the snow. so even for a moment today, it meant a lot. gotta hang on to that feeling.
anyway. after we ate we were so exhausted and afraid of panic-purging due to late hours & physical flashbacks, that we immediately sat down and spent like three hours trying to clean up links on our phone. we had 98 tabs open in our browser and it was all religious research, haha. read a few article pieces about religion and gender. we're struggling so much with that. bookmarked the rest. will devote more time to it later. today was mostly cleanup; we couldn't dive into anything or we'd have another several dozen tabs open for sure.
didn't get to bike due to fatigue. DID manage to do the weightlifting briefly, although our body is weak today. brief dinner at 830pm. xenophon insisted on three fortune cookies, haha. i said yes, i will do that for her, because i know she likes the "fortune stories" and i love her. body got a bit sick after (god knows why) and xennie was terrified that was her fault, but i said no sweetheart, the body does this a lot, and it's not a bad thing tonight. it's good because that extra cookie brought us up to 1400k so we have enough energy for the day. it's good because now i have the courage to face this sick feeling and prove that we can get through it (xennie made us pinky swear not to purge). and it's good because it was a choice i made because i loved her, in the face of fear and social panic, and that meant a great deal. i just talked to her for a bit, joking around, as we took out the garbage and cleaned up the kitchen, so despite the bodyhorror dysphoria (i was dissociating and slipping so badly) we stayed decently stable and were able to help her calm down and smile again. that's what matters.
oh our birthmom got us FIVE MOVIES from the library and they're all ghibli, haha. we requested and she delivered, God bless her honestly. so tomorrow we're going to watch one after all our morning obligations are done & we rest a bit. in any case they'll be good distraction for this gastro diet week, geez. never forget watching totoro WITH xenophon last sunday. she sat on the floor as we biked. it was so sweet, to share that with her.
the eating disorder has been weird. I am purposely not recording any incidents. We have had nightly one-off events of purging lately, on stress days & late nights, but they are so quick and easily fixed that they don't even register in longterm, which is NOTABLE. It shows that this hell of a disorder is becoming more of a background hum than a bloodcurdling roar. It's a cross we are still carrying but God has apparently chopped it down to a much smaller size, miraculously, thank You God. Plus, it's so much easier to deal with when there's love involved. That's the System's job. No wonder we couldn't heal when we were denying us.
We miss the old days. CNC scarred us. People are afraid to front now. Plus UPMC made the body a fallout zone so nobody even wants to go near it at this point. Yeah I'm still pushing to exercise, but we haven't biked in like... four days? We've either been too busy, objectively so, or our body has been wrecked to the point where exertion causes heart palpitations and nauseous fatigue. BUT we bought another water brick today and were shocked yet again to find how easily we can pick them up and carry them now. When we were ~90lbs we were gorgeously thin, yeah, but we were disgustingly weak. Honestly we want to get back to how we were a decade ago, ironically in SLC-- 105lbs and still tough enough to carry a full water cooler jug an entire mile in Utah late-summer heat, PLUS up the stairs to our 3rd-floor apartment, haha. NEVER FORGET honestly that was one of our best memories, because of the sense of accomplishment it carried. We were alone all the time but dammit we COULD survive, no matter what our family said, or at least... that's what we felt like, that day, after collapsing on our rented bedroom floor and promptly drinking a boatload of said water. We felt like maybe we could make it. We didn't. At all. But we had hope for a second, maybe the wrong sort of hope entirely, but it was real. Anyway. We were so much younger though. We'll never be 22 again, we can't even remember WHO we were during that time; I could probably list all of our memories of SLC on one hand and you know what, let me try.
1. The event I just mentioned 2. The car trauma at the Great Salt Lakes and the aftermath 3. Braeden pointing out the "dragon tree" when we hiked up that mountain 4. The "froot-loops hell" night with Josephina 5. Mel's little sister painting our nails blue? and us fighting dysphoria for her sake 6. Sitting at our laptop in Mel's basement, hearing our voice pitch-dropped for the first time and weeping for joy 7. Sitting in Mel's basement and watching Howl's Moving Castle and The Tenth Kingdom; no solid memories of either but the knowledge is there 8. Trying to sing "Under the Streetlights" to Q when in his car but he just wanted to listen to chiptunes 9. The morning with the red beets when we felt utterly disposable in their eyes 10. The Cathedral of the Madeleine, sobbing in their back pew and reading Psalm 42 for the first time 11. Walking home with Mel one night and leaving that handwritten note in a neighbor's flower garden 12. Walking with Genesis up to the train tracks to watch the sun sink solid red behind the mountains 13. Being in the park with Mel? Was there a golf course? We felt SO guilty and scared for some reason 14. The sprig of rosemary someone from the Temple gave us 15. FUTON BUDDY 16. Running to Liberty Heights Fresh to buy purple carrots, purple kale, & purple sweet potatoes for Xenophon 17. Feeling the hemimorphite "speak to us" at Turiya's, and looking around at all the little bells in the main room 18. Walking through 9th & 9th by Coffee Garden with Mel and suddenly they held our hand and everything turned to stars 19. That time we had a "psychic reading" at some store? We only remember all the heavy drapes, and the singing bowls 20. Missing the bus that one morning and just JOGGING SIX MILES to that Goodwill where we got the Chaos Angel top 21. The night we were so overstressed we just listened to Serph & maniacally stimmed for like an hour 22. Laurie SHOVING US OUT OF FRONTING and then just looking at our hands like "holy swords it worked" 23. The one day we tried to make pancakes, set off the smoke alarm, and were standing on the porch laughing from shock 24. The night we ran to Bible Study when Q had friends over? Feeling like that church was the only place in the world we belonged 25. The night that Catholic church choir lady drove us to her house that last week to give us food, God bless her 26. Whenever Q "cornered" us in the kitchen and touched our face 27. The day we were "stuck" in the kitchen and starving (spiritually) and we threw the oats in the sink, terrifying Mel 28. The one time the three of us sat together on the couch and watched the General Conference 29. Going to see the MoTab and feeling totally alien in the theater; BUT being struck to the heart by the beauty of the lobby chandeliers 30. The day we fell off the cliff? We remember hitting the car, the feel of the macadam, the blood on our face in the mirror of the Jewish center, and then the drive home in a convertible, hearing "Every Little Beat" on the stereo and smiling because it sounded like Chaos 0 singing to us despite everything, despite no one else caring for us like we so desperately needed 31. "Racing" Laurie home from Bible Study one night in the dark and laughing 32. Sitting on the couch in agonizing pain after we ate rice, crying to grandma on the cellphone and her just saying "well this was your decision" 33. Markus's 4th *incident* in a trance over the stove 34. After that one Hindu library meeting downtown? standing at the bus stop frantically praying that tulsi mala they gave us out of sheer hollow religious panic, then immediately switching to a rosary; THEN the bus arrived 35. getting lost in some mall that felt abandoned when Mel had a job interview? just snapshots of space. then a vision of us out on the sidewalk far away and mel finding us, furious, we had wandered off? no idea how we had gotten there or why 36. twisting our ankle one morning running to church, Q picked us up and went STRAIGHT to a movie, we were in horrific pain the whole time 37. sitting in that attic room holding Mel for the first time and not knowing what to make of that moment at all 38. one moment in "camp" playing volleyball i think? a snapshot of terror, had to interact. another snapshot walking down some trail and seeing a silver-gray tree of sorts. a last snapshot in the tent at night putting on extra socks with mel, we were sharing the sleeping bag. 39. q's relative's farm? a snapshot of what the living room looked like. seeing cereal boxes in the kitchen and feeling terrified. the bathroom mirror when we accidentally spit mouthwash over it and felt so humiliated & rejected it took us years to recover from the shame 40. that morning we woke up before a bus trip (in that house?) and felt SEETHING BETRAYED RAGE that "we didn't want this life, we were tricked/ coaxed into it" and had no idea how to process that bloodred fury at all 41. sitting outside on the bench in des moines and seeing lighting all over the sky 42. listening to "black burning heart" on the bus on the way to oklahoma? seeing the rock all around, no trees. feeling utterly dead inside and empty. feeling justice & revenge's emotions with the song and empathizing with them both so much we wanted to die from the pain 43. a snapshot from the bus layover somewhere. sitting against a wall. still blind & numb with anger & fear. "liminal space" feeling 44. waking up that one morning to "reach lines" by chad valley, in the top bunk bed, holding our chaos 0 plush and seeing sunlight split into rainbows around our room. strings of bells hanging by our head, inkblots on the wall. everything was quiet and peaceful for one perfect moment 45. being in the top bunk and seeing q & mel looking disgustedly up at us and telling us we had been fired from our potential job or something? not sure. but they were both upset. felt like angry parents, not friends. we felt a sick gratitude, almost rebellious security, as we really did not feel safe at that job. remember feeling like they were strangers to us, we were the "bad kid" all over again, curled back up in bed miserable and wanting to cry and scream 46. the lunabar night when we starved ourselves for the entire day then crashed hard and ate like ten of them around 2am. the look of shocked disgust on q's face when he saw us throwing the wrappers out. i remember feeling someone else front for a moment 47. being in the local temple, being so thrown off by the lack of formality in the celebration? catholic dissonance. a snapshot of trying to join their choir, our self-image being TOTALLY different than how the body looked. someone else fronting possibly. notable 48. being at the big temple, some sort of exhibit? the staff girl said she "liked our shirt," it was the black one with a cross that said "atonement" 49. myssa looking at us before she walked out the door of q's family house and saying our "aura" was "gold" 50. being scared to death at using the shower in q's family's house, knowing his sister was nearby, thought we were going to die 51. q's family's kitchen? doing something with his mom? remembering seeing those little silver-ball decorative sprinkle things, wanting to eat them 52. crying on q's family's couch? his mom saw us, promptly turned around and left. the coldness of it was utterly jarring 53. reading all the goats comics in q's family's living room? for like... hours, it felt like. remember feeling like we belonged nowhere in the world. 54. in the main city, walking across the road to the library? listening to "ink" by cubbiebear and psychotically repeating "i forgot to breathe" over and over and over again, feeling like we were losing our mind 55. in the library, at that poetry reading? the man telling a poem about his child, crying with emotion, and suddenly JAY fronting and just weeping with him from empathy and love 56. driving through cottonwood heights with mel, hanging up signs on telephone poles? listening to "anna sun" in the car. seeing the alien landscape and feeling such dread in the pit of our stomach, like "is this our life now" 57. that weird cookout on a lawn somewhere?? people singing? and us wanting so badly to be part of it, but feeling like it would gut us to put such an intimate part of ourselves out in THAT context 58. at that river in the woods somewhere? sitting on a rock with a sketchbook, looking at mel with their cheshire cat hat and feeling such fierce affection for them 59. the view of the sunset from q's house's roof. just a split second 60. a snapshot of dinner with mel's family one day? the smell of their garage. their little brother sitting next to us i think. 61. being in mel's bed. wanting so badly to read all their journals and poetry. drawing them that gold cherubell charm that they pinned to their wall. their little dog sleeping at the foot of the bed. the exact smell of their bedsheets. waking up and seeing them in a nightmare and just holding them until they calmed down. brushing their hair from their face. not having words to describe any of it 62. the sudden dysphoria crash that nearly killed us as we sat on their bed and tried on their clothes. only remember the black calla lily in the box 63. waking up, exiting the room, and immediately seeing braeden sitting on the stairs with his hat dramatically shading his eyes, his other hand on his cane. then he swooshed the hat off and introduced himself. felt like we had been waiting to meet this dude for a thousand years, we clicked instantly 64. discussing vezerai and pink floyd in the back seat of q's car. stunned by how well he and i were able to communicate 65. at some thrift store with mel and myssa? lots of costumes. being so dissociated and social-pushed we didn't know who we were 66. sitting in a burger joint with q and mel? just a snapshot. the greywhale store almost next door i think. snapshot of that too, looking through old games almost compulsively. everything felt like a performance. we had no hope of a future, our life was just moment-to-moment "what do they want me to do next" 67. in that park with all the pine trees? and people playing with dogs? just a snapshot. the gravel on the ground. remembering how artificial it felt, compared to the state parks back home 68. snapshot of kyoto restaurant, sitting in that little booth and biting into a mochi for the first time 69. the one night we tried to share a bed with q & mel? we kept having nightmares about foxes. wondering if that had something to do with jlone. 70. the nights artwork on the wall of their room. kneeling at the side of their bed and doing scripture study together 71. the one evening mel told us all about that story they were writing with the cat people. we were utterly enthralled; we still think about it from time to time. 72. the day we "voice acted" that homestuck game in the apartment. us relating far too strongly to meenah 73. the day inkfletcher visited? we remember sitting on the floor with them. someone talking about our sketchbook. 74. the glimpse we got of one of q's sketchbooks in a bag in the living room. there was a picture he was drawing for us of the coregroup. we never dared to snoop, but oh how desperately our heart wanted to see it. he never showed us. we ache over that to this day 75. when q was sick in bed and eating pop tarts? and had just finished watching pmmm. we wanted to talk about it so badly but he didn't want to? we remember it felt like a punch to the stomach; we were so emotionally invested in it but he just wasn't interested 76. listening to "cold dust girl" while in a minor manic state and taking all the papers off our walls the day our mom told us "get packing you're leaving in the morning" 77. q's grandma driving us through the city. just a snapshot of the buildings all around us, feeling like our life was "picking up where it left off" 78. q driving us to the airport another time? we stopped at a grocery store and bought a single lemon?? he refused to talk to us the whole time??? i remember we tried to sing "northern girl" which was a song we held so close to our heart, he didn't even look at us, it felt like a gunshot wound and after that we couldn't sing for years 79. in q's grandma's house, doing laundry? we ate something from the kitchen, no idea what, was it candy? ended up curled up on her kitchen rug on the floor in so much pain we thought we were going to die 80. another time in that house, lots of people visiting, someone playing the piano? remembering the feeling of camaraderie "just out of reach." like all that family warmth and we never had that and never would. we were not welcome. feeling utterly alone and rejected 81. the "party" in the apartment across the street at like 2am one morning, haha. everyone standing on the balcony and drinking. blasting music. fancyass kitchen visible behind them. us just peeking out through the blinds and feeling so much honest love for all those strangers 82. the one house we always walked by on the way to whole foods with those gorgeous yellow roses in the yard 83. mel moving into the college dorms and wanting to hide us in their closet so we could stay there with them 84. in that college campus library, sitting on a seat by the steps? were we reading "einstein's dreams" then? we just remember feeling oddly non-existent but calmer there, in this nook by the stairs, with a book, like our old campus. bittersweet. 85. sitting on the living room couch sobbing in agony after we got kombucha poisoning and vomiting, alone in the apartment, afraid we were going to die. i think our phone was dead or had no service so we were so isolated. but chaos 0 ghosted and held us as we cried and i just remember saying "i love you" like it was the focal point of the entire world 86. the birthday party for q that we didn't even get to see, standing in the kitchen doing dishes and hearing them sing "happy birthday" and wanting to weep because, again, we knew we weren't wanted and could never be part of that. our arm was in a sling or something? stiff and in pain. aching and alien and alone 87. standing on the stair landing outside and getting a phone call from dad, he was in bermuda or something and had gotten remarried! we remember looking up at the clear blue sky and laughing from joy, but also missing him so much, thinking "he's under this same sky" 88. odd snapshot memory of getting into q's car one day, someone made a comment about a seatbelt or something? and we felt "on the spot" scared as we got in. social trigger. then another snapshot of parking on the side and getting out, someone looking for keys? discussing a wedding or something? evening i think. again social mode, felt like a robot. we were so out-of-body all the time there, it was sad 89. in mel's family's yard, and we broke a water spout or something? i remember mud and water and feeling such intense fear/panic it felt like our chest was full of battery acid. 90. the shower in that same house, all the hacks that happened, feeling like a prison, never able to stay conscious in that house. terrified. sitting on the floor in front of the sink and actively contemplating suicide. looking at all the strange toothbrushes and combs and wondering "what is their life like, i will never belong here, they don't care about me, i will never be part of that" etc. 91. mel almost going into anaphylaxis in the living room. scared to death. memory is all broken glass, i remember seeing the "made in a factory that processes tree nuts" on the kitchen package and feeling like the floor dropped out of the world 92. someone else's house? fancy? everything in glass bottles. us in the basement on the computer trying to put together a fancy resume. drew up a logo that we wish we remember, it was fancy and x-shaped, leaflike 93. all these weird snapshots of driving to that house. was this around halloween? or were people discussing horror movies? we just felt like a trapped child and were so so scared. all the time. no idea who was with us, felt like total strangers 94. the jthm poster we had on the wall of our room in the apartment. forgot we even had that. 95. lying on the bottom bunk after we ate sushi and being, again, in so much convulsive pain we thought we were dying. slept for like... three days after that? or were dissociated that bad for that long 96. whole foods job training, remember they had us wiping counters or something but we were so triggered by something in the environment that we were trying not to break down in hysterics, couldn't stop shaking 97. the marigolds on the street corner by whole foods. they always made me think of grandma. standing there with genesis waiting to cross the street 98. just... genesis, in general, god bless him. especially that 12-mile walk day. going to the stella grill and sitting in the booth with him-- i forget what we ordered (a salad i think?)-- and just talking to him. perfectly happy. realizing this is what i wanted in life. us. walking past the little park & gardens on the left and just chatting with him about it all. when i was scared he'd walk next to me, and i would feel laurie right behind me too. 99. the night we came home from church and we were standing in the kitchen talking to jacob when suddenly his face changed. everything blue in the moonlight. then he moved like water and i knew, it was like my heart had woken up from sleep, it was the most important moment in the world 100. mel sitting on the floor in the hallway in some sort of trance and then suddenly hearing someone else's voice speaking through them. it was that little marill-like kid. imaril. she was so sweet. 101. that faun guy in their system. we spoke to them at some point. i remember their vibe more than anything. what was his name. i miss him too. raowul. god i hope he's still alive and happy, with all of them. 102. q showing us his model train set the first time we visited his family house, us being so shocked that we never knew this about him 103. the huge model train set up in wisconsin? us torn between "this is such a waste of time" and "this is such an amazing dedicated labor of love" 104. the foot bathtub in q's family house?? and the bathroom in general. it felt weirdly safe, compared to the terror of most bathrooms for us. especially with the old wood doors & doorknobs the room had. we wanted to just hang out in there. 105. sitting under the tree in front of the apartment and reading "einstein's dreams." feeling very displaced. 106. reading a passage from that book to q, and as i read it i suddenly realized, mortified, how i didn't actually like the passage. it was highly inappropriate and made me sick. but i was so dissociated i kept reading. felt like hell, trapped in a machine. 107. the day we went down to the reservoirs and found driftwood? wearing that green celtic tank top, and tiny shorts. we were reaching into the water, looking at the sky, thinking of chaos 0. q caught it in a photograph. lord i wish we still had that somewhere 108. mel channeling laurie and the INSTANT their voice changed. then that eyebrow raise was so accurate it floored me. but that one sentence... "there's so much love for you up here, kid..." 109. mel channeling chaos 0 and being right up against my face. me feeling both of them in that. remembering how uniquely he translated through their person; so much watery energy. remembering him being so confused by having a nose 110. that red & blue lamp in our room, and how we would put the bulbs together to make a purple glow. 111. "if you were waiting for a sign..."
WOW OKAY that's a lot more than one hand. gosh. i'm honestly shocked. this is good though. wow.
it is after midnight and i do not want to write anything else haha. brain needs to recuperate from that absolute history dive. but this is good! a legit entry! good data and actual historical recollection, even just fragments. feeling very disheveled and chronologically thrown for a loop right now, but this is important. especially important to FEEL the DIFFERENCES in who holds which memories. like that was impossible to discern in realtime, only in hindsight.
but. it's proof that we're real. even with all the social hollowness, even with the stupid failure of a human being we were that wrecked two truly beautiful friendships... there was still so much to treasure in that time period. never forget that.
all right gotta sleep. maybe we'll see you tomorrow, God willing. heck maybe it'll even snow some more overnight, best case scenario kids!!
browsing through ANCIENT entries earlier today, I saw this little survey:
YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO. HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR MEDIA LIBRARY AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. (23 for the new year) ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.
We haven't done something like this in a while, but the love & memories tied to our music are enough to break through the bleakest days. Let's go.
1. "Vertigo" (U2) U2's music takes us to a very unusually bright place in our collective memory. Our dad introduced us to them during the jx7 time period, so their tunes are forever painted with that Celebi-summer feeling, driving down highways and finally being free of all social/online connections for the first time in years. It was liberating, and that vibe is what I still catch in this song. Blue skies and a wide-open future. Plus, we always smile at that "uno! dos! tres! catorce!" intro. ...Never actually read the lyrics for this before, though. Feels dystopic. Feels sadly like old headspace days. I guess that's ironically fitting, too-- because even during the upbeat time of our life this song echoes, there was something terrible happening where we couldn't, or refused to, see... everything we wish we didn't know, if you will.
2. "Pororororororo" (IMERUAT) An unexpectedly heartwarming song. At first the lyrics sound childlike and silly, but the lovely string section suggests something more... so I looked it up, and it's about sharing a meal together. Yes, a triggering topic for us, but... only due to sad experiences. "Let's enjoy our meal, even if we eat alone." Our whole life we were taught that "enjoying" things, especially food, was not only sinful but animalistic, and utterly depraved. Family meals were stressful and rushed and angry as they were rare. We never ate with others in school, and eating in public with the family was always highly distressing and full of fear. So... there's something in this song that makes our inner child want to weep and angrily beat their fists off the wall, bitter and offended and upset, but... there's also something in it that our adult self wants to agree with. We think of Jesus feeding His followers, and of how kids (ideally) naturally share their food with friends. It's an instinctive "I care about you and want you to stay alive" action. It's a song we do need to think about more, actually. It helps that it's so cute.
3. "Plush Hooves" (Picnic) This is a song that we discovered recently, but which sounds just like the old "influtusa" days. College. It's audial beauty, really. The colors and shapes are really nice-- all clear watery arches and round waves of bluish green with pops of crackling pale-yellow brushstrokes. It feels like liquid crystal pipes. It's deeply soothing. We actually, deep down, love atmospheric glitch-esque stuff like this. It's tied inextricably to a facet of the Cor(e) and although it's been buried, it cannot be denied. This is the crystal-eyed White that exists outside of space, outside of form, and right now, we need that desperately. It helps that it's 7 minutes long. You can get softly lost in this sort of soundscape, and thank God for that.
4. "Kamome" (Taku Matsushiba) Despite the unfortunate album art-- and the fact that we've never seen this anime and don't plan to-- there are some tracks on its OST that are really lovely. This is one of them. I like the music-box intro that is suddenly embraced by that string section cascade! Honestly though... we love this track because it sounds like our old violin-lesson refuge. The solo starting at 1:21 sounds like Lynne's heart. There's a deep sense of safety, of comfort, of peace, that we get from hearing stringed instruments and pianos layered warm and deep like this. It makes us feel like a child again, alone in that big store surrounded by musical instruments, by wood and metal and glass and paper, hearing muffled melodies from upstairs, seeing the rain outside... again, we would be totally alone, just us and the League's heart, with infinite potential and creative beauty all around us. Those memories are precious, and we treasure them. We are grateful that we can still re-live them so strongly through songs like this.
5. "11 Hands" (Alfonso Peduto) A brand new addition to our library, Alfonso's layered piano loops are exactly the sort & sound of thing we would compose if we had the means. We love the rhythmic complexity, the evocative harmonies, and the sense of... what? Finality? Hope? These songs all sound like the verge of some great turning point, some shift in the heart, some painful tearful courageous reach towards victory, towards light. There are albums full of wonderful pieces like this by him. Each one feels unique. This one, with its higher notes and almost waltz-like lilt at times, is less driving and more aspirational to me. It feels like daylight rushing through treetops, like a sudden rainfall through breaking clouds, like a determination in your soul to get up, to not give up, to turn your face to the sky and the sun no matter what happens next. It feels like someone in the System. I'm not sure who. A girl, maybe a Jewel. But the resonance is there. It's inevitable, with how closely this guy's compositions resemble our soul.
6. "Missa Festiva, Op. 62: Gloria" (Flor Peeters) We love listening to different Mass settings, especially the more unique orchestral ones. The Gloria is always interesting to hear, because of the many different emotions it elicits-- this song moves from the dissonant notes of penitence to the soaring golden chords of praise, the whole time feeling strangely alien, angelic even, with trumpeted edges and that organ rumbling true beneath it all. It's always fascinating to listen to choral pieces, too-- the human voice is an instrument in its own right, and each voice pronounces words slightly differently, as well as with a different pitch and tone. Listening to them all marbling together in these pieces, some more notable than others, some ringing out as solos, but all part of some greater whole... its fascinating. These are living souls making that music with their own selves. Within the context of this hymn to their Creator... it's a transcendent experience.
7. "Çok Özlüyorum Seni" (Gökhan Tepe) I literally went "YESSSSSS" when this came up on shuffle, haha! For all you Moralimon fans, this is legit Nebisai's song, because it sounds like him, not just in voice but also in tone-- it's a bright & upbeat song, but it's about heartbreak... and hope. "I miss you so much." But "I know you will be back soon... I saw it in my dream last night." Nebsy is one of the most ebullient 'mons I know and yet he hails from a very tormented world... he has experienced war and loss and despair and exile, and yet! He still sings! He still holds on to hope! And I love that about both him, and this song. When you're hurting, but you can still make music like this, about that ache... that means a lot, man. It shows that love is what is shining through at the heart of it all, not bitterness. Also the percussion is DELICIOUS. I love Turkish instrumentation, especially in this, with the overlapping rhythms and clear treble chordophones and that dancing bassline! Even the wind instruments are lovely, haha, and that's notable coming from me! Gosh I just love this song. Turkish music is boss, God bless these guys.
8. "The First Noel" (Kenny G) THERE YOU ARE SAXOPHONE MAN!! This guy's Christmas albums are eternal tradition in our house for the Christmas season; our birthmom used to joke "it's not Christmas until we have candles & Kenny G!" Sadly, we did not have either of those things this year... but what the heck, it's not Epiphany yet, better late than never! Really, his instrumentation is fantastic as well. That soprano saxophone meshes so smoothly with the bell-like keyboard (which is notable; I usually can't stand obviously electronic keyboards), the subtle but silver strings, and of course that echoing percussion that makes the whole song sound wide and clear and bright as that field the ancient shepherds met the jubilant angels in. Even so... this song also sounds so small and cozy. Maybe that's just childhood memories, or the 90's mixing, but this whole album just makes me feel like a kid again, watching the snowfall by the Christmas tree, colorful lights everywhere and the scent of pine and cinnamon in the air. Oh yeah, and of course the saxophone carols on mom's boombox. Shoutout to Leon with this song, haha. I love you bro.
9. "Castles- 12" Full Length Version" (It Bites) PROG ROCK SON!!! It Bites will always have a very, very dear place in my heart because I first discovered them the week I was first admitted to the psych ward. I had "This Is England" playing in my head for those five hellish days, and I swear to you that was the only thing that kept me going some nights, unable to sleep, terrified of the next day. But I'd hear John Mitchell singing in those dark hours and it reminded me that there was still beauty in the world, out beyond those barred double-pane windows. This wasn't forever. However! My good man John was only 14 or so when this track was released so his trademark voice isn't on here, haha. But Francis Dunnery has a lovely set of pipes as well, honestly. And... in beautiful contrast to the windows of the ward, this song speaks of a castle with no such cruel fortifications--
10. "Emily" (Andy Williams) Andy Williams's voice echoes through all my childhood memories. My grandmother loved his music, and would frequently play it at night as I fell asleep. I honestly love the way he pronounces certain words and vowels, and This song has no memories in particular attached to it, but it does have a tie-in to the League. The "romance" of this song was totally defused by attaching it to Emily in Soulstitch, and her plush pal Kenzel-- turning the reference to "family" from a marital cliche into a childhood comfort. Love isn't just for grownups; the truest lovers are those who love without any motives of gain or attraction. It's why the League focuses on such children, and their relationships with creatures who likewise love with such purity of intent. It's the only way I can listen to this song, by thinking of that.
11. "I Believe, Help My Unbelief" (Larnelle Harris) Larnelle's music means a great deal to me, because I played it on loop for months when I was taking care of my grandmother in home hospice. I'd do dishes and laundry and cooking for her and the whole time Mr. Harris would be praising God in the background. It kept my heart and mind in a good place, anchored in faith and hope, which I desperately needed during that time of sickness and stress. This song, based on Mark 9:24, means a lot to me as well. I have always loved that Gospel, for the raw desperate honesty of that man in his weak yet real faith... and because I relate so, so strongly to that sentiment.
12. "The Man That Time Forgot" (Ed Harcourt) This song always brings me to tears.
13. "Some Children See Him" (Andy Williams) I'm really glad this one came up because, although Kenny is my mom's Christmas tune dude, Andy is my grandmother's playlist staple.
14. "Be Here Now" (Ray LaMontagne) This song belongs to Dori. It was one from her Last.fm back in like '09, and it struck us to the heart in both sound and message. The instrumentation feels like a bright fog, with the echoing piano & vocals, and smooth strings singing over that soundhaze backdrop. But then there's the guitar. Golden and clear, it's like sunlight filtering through the morning mist. The lyrics reflect this tangible hope. "Don't let your mind get weary... don't let your heart get heavy... don't let your soul get lonely..." and then, "don't look for love in faces [or] places; it's in you, that's where you'll find kindness. Be here, now." It speaks directly to us as a System. ...How many times have I tried to run away from us? How often has my weary mind, or heavy heart, made my soul feel lonely? Inside of "me" there is us, a strength founded in love, a love that tears down every wall. But I have to be here. I have to BE, with us, with all of us, right now. It's the only hope I have of holding on to faith or light or life. Our collective being is a ray of light piercing every cloud, and outlasting every trial. I needed to hear this song again today. Thank You.
15. "This River Is Wild" (The Killers) This is an old one, from Jewel's high school days, when her Red slowly started to turn into Cannon's edge. The lyrics cut us pretty deep It speaks directly of the trauma echoes and struggles we were just beginning to battle at that time. "Or should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with everybody else. I've been trying hard to do what's right, but you know I could stay here all night..." I swear we must have quoted this in a Blurty once, long ago. We still don't get along with anyone but ourselves, sadly. It's notsomuch misanthropy (although we are becoming disturbingly aware of a lot of pent-up damaged rage lately) as it is feeling alien. Every day we struggle to do "what's right," but... we're up until 5am just typing. Just getting lost in our head. It's the only place where we feel accepted, real, alive... but it's a wild river. There's so much turbulence. But it's water, man. It's life. The stormy guitars and rushing percussion, along with the Brandon Flower's signature vocals-- subtly high-strung, a little shaky, and sounding like a confession-- make this song feel like last words in a way, to us. There's a finality to it, something hard but hurt, spitting splinters and being brutally direct-- here's the shit I see in the world, but it's in me first. I only recognize it because I'm fighting it tooth and nail inside, every hour. The outro always brings us to tears for some reason. That last line, the way everything crumples into a keyboard and his wavering voice, just... hurts, after that shout of a song. It hurts like having only a thread of hope left in that dark night, surrounded by people and noise but alone, and never able to be a part of it. At least, to us.
16. "Jupiter" (Sleeping At Last) A short song, but the lyrics break me in half. "I don't know who I am, but now I know who I'm not." Make my messes matter. Make this chaos count. Let every little fracture in me shatter out loud.
17. "The Way We Were (Soundtrack Version)" (Barbara Streisand) This one speaks to our constant haunting of time, of how dearly we miss what we've lost, and yet... "Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we? Could we?" What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget... trauma does work like that, sadly. Ironically, we don't remember the laughter. What stands out the strongest is the pain. But... this song makes us think. Why don't we remember the positive things more? Why don't we focus on our joy as "the way we were?" It's a thought.
18. "Hurts" (Mika) Well this is just friendship trauma from beginning to end. "You say it's only words, and that it will get easier with time. Nothing's only words; that's how hearts get hurt. I can't, I can't, I can't stop hearing all the words you said..." Both we and they treated words-- or the lack thereof-- as careless weapons, to be honest. This wasn't verbal abuse. This was phrases, comments, snippets of conversation that gutted us in different ways, that still repeat between our ears, words that they probably never realized would damage us so badly. But... words are what made us into "strangers by the end," when we would leave. The words we wrote, the words they spoke, all ultimately destroyed what feeble friendships we had. Oh of course, the actions were horrible too. But they only happened BECAUSE of words, words disrespected and forced and parroted and flatly delivered, words like arrows and daggers. Talking our way into and out of trouble. Always too much talk. Sorry. Can't think about this too much.
19. "Hard to Beat" (Hard-Fi) YEAAAAAAAH this one's a CLASSIC. It's in here because it's a "League lovesong" from like 2005. OLD DAYS BRO.
20. "Tempest" (SOHN) Geez this band sounds like the Cannon days. It's disturbing and dark and red. This song is so disjointed. It reads like an unhinged entry of ours. "O Lord, I got lost along the way You set for me. I got to say I'm sorry; wash my sins away..." but then there's the catch. "I love her like no other." And if this is truly the Cannon days, then we are absolutely dealing with moral panic and homophobia.
21. "Am I Dreamin'" (Atlantic Starr) On the surface this is obviously a love song that I can easily apply to any of my internal loves, but... on a greater level, this is for the entire System. "Am I dreaming? Am I just imagining you're here in my life?" Self-doubt hurts like hell, especially when you love the very souls that everyone else says don't exist.
22. "Towerblock" (FROST*) This song hits hard, now that our old house really is being “torn down,” or at least, torn up.
23. "Yahweh" (The Brilliance) This is the perfect track to close up with.
5 hours of sleep x___x actually cried myself to sleep over gender dysphoria & body dysmorphia hell last night. legit wanted to die. had been listening to leaguetunes and accidentally clicked on one we sang back in 2010 or so. before HRT. ...surreal. didn't sound like us at all. never did, actually-- that's why we were so desperate to get on hormones. the sound of our own voice made us want to choke with rage and despair. remembering how much we loved getting sore throats and lung infections because it would drop our vocal range and make us hoarse. preferred that to the tinny sharp too-pink noise of a voice we had. but the vibrato. the clarity of singing. even if the voice felt wrong, wrong, wrong, it had talent and did we lose that when we lost that upper range? was it worth "sacrificing" just to be a little more comfortable with hearing ourself talk at all? ...told chaos 0 about it. weeping. felt so lost. he said he had known and loved me with so many voices already, it didn't matter in that respect. i was still loved. that meant a lot. but i emphasized that the problem was self-love here. very hard to wake up in the morning when your own voice is a stranger. ...realizing the irony of my daughter's name. how we loved that name since childhood and were so joyful to give it to her. xenophon. "strange voice." how for her it's a title of honor, the word "strange" meaning something like "holy" or "heavenly." something not of this broken world. something not of this broken body. and then me, hearing jewel sing over ten years ago and not knowing what to feel, because even then we hated our voice, we cried at how foreign it was, wished we sounded like liam mckahey or ed harcourt. deep and resonant. real. still not there. but closer. dreaming of it. fell asleep with that ache.
briefly talking to julie this morning as we got the body ready. still struggling SO MUCH with dysphoria after last night, could barely get dressed. avoided mirror entirely. but julie is literally the only nousfoni i can talk to about it. she's the only one with the capacity to, without it utterly shattering her function. infi theoretically could, too, but infi is blatantly not humanshaped. julie is. and she's the ONLY nousfoni who looks female in such an explicit way, so only she can "understand" when we rage and sob about being stuck in one. no offense to her, of course. but we can't deny our struggle either. btw now that she's courageously striving to reintegrate her "old" and arguably TRUE self-- roots and all-- without the corruption, her vibe is so much clearer and real. she feels like herself. it's amazing. i... after last night, re-reading ancient xangas, now ten years later it is such a blessing to have her as a friend. she means a lot to me. i know revisiting trauma in therapy-- AND the archives, inevitably, penny will have to help-- will be difficult for us both. but i know we can get through it. i trust her.
Therapy at 9 Discussed social mode roots in childhood, also religious trauma, mentioned the use of "prayer as abuse" and the "near-torture" of my grandmother's methods. using that word was harrowing. but honestly how else do i describe being forced to kneel on raw rice until my knees bled and say rosaries while being watched and threatened, at age seven or so??? genuinely disturbing. and all the while having to stare up at the picture of the last supper where jesus is looking up, up and away from my frightened pain, grandma saying "it's because he doesn't want to look at you" dude that SCARS YOU. no wonder i struggle to pray even now. spiritual warfare though, gotta fight that good fight Explicitly mentioned gender issues, notably the medical causes, in myself and in the family. it's so important it needed to be brought up front immediately. she didn't respond to it but i hope she's okay with that being front-and-center with a LOT of the trauma. also hoping she can get us referrals for HRT? still a lot of religious terror and conflict over that, but honestly it is becoming a daily wonder again. so we'll see. Also THIS GAL'S GOT TRAUMA TOO. She UNDERSTANDS 1000%. She legit DESCRIBED A FLASHBACK TRIGGER and we have NEVER heard ANYONE explain that EXACTLY HOW WE EXPERIENCE THEM. with the unexpected sensory databombs and the hypervigilance and the mental shutdowns. It was staggeringly validating & reassuring, to know that SHE GETS IT. Heartbreaking, absolutely, but still put down a foundation of so much trust & solidarity. Offered EMDR, tapping, hypnosis as options. Tried tapping first but it triggered MAJOR PANIC, especially with breathing aspect, although we DID have Kyanos show up (he's now female?? or androgynous. CHILD in any case). We told her and she said "OK, we won't use that method." THAT WAS IT. No forcing, no invalidations or coercing, NO SHAME OR GUILT. Just "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and that's totally fine. We'll find a different method for you that won't be triggering." GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN SHE'S FANTASTIC Office is so nice too. She REFUSES to turn on the fluorescent lights, thank God, we don't like them either. She just has up all these warm floor lamps and a CHRISTMAS TREE which is gorgeous and a rainbow "love is love" neon sign by the door. And free coffee if you want it. She's a total doll, honestly we hit the jackpot with therapy here, thank you Lord it was about time
Oh yeah for the "tapping" she first had us close our eyes and visualize a "safe place"? which everyone does in therapy and honestly it is really annoying because we've never really had one in the waking so what the heck dude, what IS "safe?" but. we told her that the instant image we get is ALWAYS GIMMELWALD. had to be honest. so i closed my eyes. there i was sitting on that steep hill, green grass, tiny yellow flowers. snowcapped alpine peaks all around, little quiet village below. the scent of ice and high altitude. the sound of sheep bells above. gorgeous. and chaos 0 sitting next to me. it took me by surprise, then i thought, "oh yeah. safe space." honestly moved my heart a lot to realize how CLEARLY i could see him. his color lighter from all the sunlight. seeing the mist around us catch in his reflection. his eyes greener than the hills. just looking out at everything, like he did on that morning we sat in the back of my car and watched the stars wheeling over the valley. i loved him so much in that moment. quietly, but so ardently. like a thousand-year love. less of a fire, more of a mountain itself. ancient and solid and enduring love. like all the snow melting into waterfalls.
Library drive by, wanting to see if they had any movies or kid's books to casually check out. needed to just relax. but closed until noon, not waiting that long Considered stopping at SJE & legit just sleeping in the pews by the Tabernacle then remembered, hold up IT'S TUESDAY! that means ADORATION AT OLOTE Went straight there and did a SOLID HOLY HOUR!! 30m talk 30m prayer flat-out said an ENTIRE ROSARY. realized how much we DO love saying it but also how INSANELY IMMERSIVE it is. like once we get started we are gone, dude. we cannot say them casually. it is an absolute trip, like reliving every mystery. exhausting but gorgeous. i'm wondering if we only CAN properly say them in a church. gonna have to get used to jogging to SJE then, haha. honestly we want to though. worth a shot soon. Finished the hour just in time to hit EUCHARISTIC LITURGY at OLOMC we haven't been there since before inpatient so it felt wonderful to be back. Linda said hi, SO DID SMN! He was worried about us! God bless him. We asked him to pray for our continued outpatient recovery and he said he absolutely would. IMO the dude is VERY HOLY so his prayers have got inevitable PUNCH.
...sang briefly on the way home. last minute dare. right before we pulled into the parking lot. i forget what song it was, even. came up on shuffle. but... we could still sing. still the vibrato, just as bright as it was when we were younger. still not how we sound inside but closer. lower. warmer. no buzzing edge anymore. gave us some hope.
Home for 12:15. Vacuumed, jokingly made a "bet" w/ xennie-- she said she gets "five dollars" if I fall asleep at the laptop, "even for two seconds". She said to buy her more fortune cookies, tiger tea, and a single lemonade apple "for mom" (infi, the ONLY person who inexplicably can hold that title w/o dissonance) honey that'll cost more than $5 but don't tell her, I'll buy her all that and more if she wants, gotta dote on my daughter Made breakfast, very dissociated, but lots of nice company as always PHLEGMONI & SCALPEL teaming up outta nowhere to give spice a heck of a time, they insisted on adding EXTRA cayenne pepper and were bonding over it, it was honestly hilarious Mimic taking time out this morning. he's around, just gave us some space. Got Tumblr distracted by RYOU & MARIK!! Now eating at 2pm God bless
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...It's 10pm. Note to selves: do NOT fast for nineteen hours with NO sleep and HIGH stress and then EAT TRIGGER FOODS. we had a minor bingepurge. MINOR. it was only two hours, start to finish, and we HID the big bowls so they couldn't be abused. the girls only binged on vegetables, yogurt, and sunchips as usual. but it was TERRIFYING and PAINFUL nevertheless. and... as usual, it shut down headspace for almost two hours. honestly we expected this. with how completely rattled we were, there was no way to easily avoid this happening. that one girl began to munch on lettuce, then panicked "we have to finish it", then someone ELSE panicked because we started to get dizzy and our ears were popping and they said "oh no we're allergic to lettuce" and just... binged in order to purge. it wasn't much. the worst was the sunchips (they ate the whole bag AGAIN. we have marked them as "do not buy" until further notice; especially with that manic e.d. chick always trying to sneak them they're too much of a risk right now, and they don't "fit into" the mealplan as of now anyway. literal superfluous item held over from inpatient and for that sake only. not worth $4 a bag. if we can drop it then do so). and of course they found the salted caramel yogurt we bought once more to try and junked it. BUT we got data, and it IS highly triggering so that explains the compulsive destruction. that's on the "do not buy" list for good now, too, since there is validity to it. ah. worst part. the fire alarm went off right as they were finishing the binge. lights flashing, alarms buzzing. heard everyone evacuating outside. instead they went into the bathroom and just threw up, thinking, and i kid you not, "if there's a real fire they'll have to come and get me if they feel i'm worth saving. otherwise, i don't care. if i die then i die. this is no life to live anyway." honest to god it was a suicidal thought. we haven't had one of those in months. not since grandma passed. but... well, in light of the dyspho/dysmo agony, it wasn't surprising. just... heartbreaking, to hear expressed by someone who could get that low and unfortunately sincere.
as usual there's no memory of it till the purge process ending because they start praying hysterically and then i usually have to clean everything up. xenophon showed up when that happened and was tearful too (i was miserable) and thank God she helped me stabilize, asking me if i was okay, telling me it was going to be okay, refusing to leave me alone or berate anyone. she saw the pain. she knows this is a war. she just hates seeing anyone-- everyone-- suffer from it. so we got the floors cleaned and the trash taken out and the dishes done. i changed our clothes and downed an entire powerade (told you it was smart to buy emergency ones; gotta have that contingency crisis plan). then we sat down to eat dinner. seriously. no way were we skipping the opportunity to recover from this disaster IMMEDIATELY after. plus the body was shaking (blood sugar was a solid 80 which means it was going to keep dropping fast if we didn't eat; it always does) and we had just lost our breakfast anyway. so we had dinner. broccoli, apple, half a carrot, cottage cheese, english muffin w/ a wiggly egg, three fortune cookies (xennie insisted), infi's vanilla comoro tea, AND the lingonberry skyr. so yeah. of course laurie called mimic over. he sardonically commented on the disordered behavior. i said yeah, we wish it would just stop but days like this were bound to happen. i apologized and said he didn't sign up for this-- he said he didn't sign up at all, i/jewel just kind of pulled him into headspace-- and that he was entirely free to leave if he wanted. "i said i'm sticking around." he keeps emphasizing that. always "waving off" the honest gravity of it-- saying he's "getting something out of this" or it's "better than running for my life" or the like. less brash than he was even three days ago. admitting that it's interesting, that he likes laurie's attitude, that he respects the bravery he sees. "credit where it's due," but in a slowly more self-revelatory way. getting more honest, less defensive.
good news is he likes the skyr, haha. he's got different preferences from me apparently. that's cool, i always like that variety in the system. i had asked him, to which he smirked and asked "do you?" calling me out. i hesitantly admitted it wasn't my thing, then tried to say "but i can change that" but he said nope, no flaking out. he kept ribbing me about it because i was trying to like it for his sake but couldn't force that (i used to! all the time! for every random person!) and he kept goading me to be honest, because if i'm gonna hold him to that standard i had better live up to it myself. not in those words but same intent. laurie is more direct; mimic likes to provoke. but it helps, actually, that indigo edge of his. laurie used to be like that before she hard-shifted purple. we wonder if she's going to move back to violet. time will tell. so will the spectrumind, inevitably. if her function CAN and SHOULD shift, it will. but that can't be forced either, just like i can't honestly or safely override or reject a vibe dissonance. still. amusingly ironic how the shapeshifter is telling the polymorph to stop trying to be someone else. hits different that way. more weight behind it.
... outspacers are so weird. i love them but they're bizarre. their arrival and integration is vastly different from nousfoni. they come here via Links, and those cannot be forced or even chosen most times-- they just catch, jewel's old puppet-strings, and before you know it there's a new face. but there's always a "heart-pull" when that string is able to connect. without it, you know they won't be able to stick around, or even step in. we always "meet them" in heartspace in one way or another. that's "first contact." either in jewel's imagination, or our dreams. after that, they can show up in headspace, although that's not something that ever happened in the old days due to headspace not being a solid thing until like 2009. but... outspacers get this week-or-so "grace period" of adjustment and introduction, on average, and then they either decide to leave or they decide to stick around. as mimic apparently has. that's when stuff gets interesting. if they commit, it's all or nothing in the end. outspacers ultimately have to decide that they want to be part of the spectrum, if they really want to stay, and in doing so... well. they have to "move in." you can't be a legit outspacer and live outside the system. you've gotta cut that thread to keep this one. every true outspacer has a new life, new roots, even a new name, in a leagueworld. not even "and the system." if you're an outspacer talking to nousfoni you are STILL not native, you need your anchor elsewhere because you're not the same species and without that anchor you will end up "channeling" the spectrumind and you will lose yourself. it happens. it freaks everyone out, even nousfoni who are unstable. get too close to unformed blackspace, even conceptually, and you start to deform yourself. it's lethal. even to infi. no one is meant to be so blurry in self that they lose their self. hence the vital importance and emphasis on "solid anchors" and "functions" and clear colors. without that... you get reabsorbed into the rainbow, worst case scenario. sometimes it's inevitable. sometimes someone breaks their function so hard that they have to be recycled and reborn. sometimes someone dies and that's just what happens after. same with being "killed"-- laurie has told mimic that "death is different up here" because it's such a spiritual realm; especially with cores, being "killed" or "dying" just forces a "reset" and if you're still MEANT to be alive, you WILL "come back." sometimes instantly. like with my fights with laurie, and her infamous "beheading" technique to "soft-reset" any splintering core. it works. that's just mechanics up here. but yeah. outspacers. if mimic wants to stay, well, he needs to leave the canon. and find a new one to settle into. we told him this up front. galadia hasn't done it either, not yet. phlegmoni has. you can feel the difference in him, compared to both how he was in the beginning and to how the newbies are now. it's surreal, now that i know why that is. but that's what the "grace period" is about. it's a hyperfocus on that outspacer's native world and canon history, to integrate them as fully as possible, and as genuinely as possible, so that when the links snip off the threads, they still know who they are, and can build a new life from that. that's... really the whole thing with outspacers. it's part of the jewelcore's core function i think, if i may word it as such. to "love the loveless." to seek out those who need a new dream, and give them one. to say, "listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door, let's go." (one of our most beloved poems since childhood btw) and to offer a hand. honestly though it's rarely so direct. jewel always has "feelers out," amusingly so with our bizarre but undeniable insect affection. every "mediaworld" she is able to step into-- and that criterion is solely her heart; we never entirely know what will resonate with it until it does) --she does, and forms a "Link." a sole puppetstring. a dreamthread. the cable to climb that cliff. and once she's plugged in, well. then who knows what will happen? her imagination is a powerful thing. but so are dreams. those are my territory, as the apprentice. but i'm still at their mercy. if someone shows up... then they show up. i'm too tired to think straight, haha. what am i trying to get to. what ultimate point. oh yeah. mimic. i was trying to write about this the other day. he remembers the dream. but it's like in stein's gate. "that's not fair," and how that line cut to my heart. a dream of some other life, some other potential future, that someone else has actively lived but you haven't. at least, not in this life. and yet... it already happened. that's what it's like, with mimic. what a bizarre way to become an outspacer. i think that's a first, too. he's really confused over it. frustrated at the lack of linear-spatial sense. but he's at least not denying it happened, if only in its own space. he's not talking about it, but not pushing it away. that's notable.
someone brought up *incidents*. i think with the "nobody stays dead if they're not meant to die yet" topic. floored me when i realized it took markus (marik) almost ten years to have his third one. and i STILL remember that morning so vividly even now. legit a milestone day in our life. since then he's felt different. brighter. stronger. but also no longer "trying to be invincible." a strange balance. the daengels helped, too, later on. still not sure what the heck is going on with the yami phenomenon outside of the tar/plague. wondering if they'll choose to keep that in their leagueworld, or enjoy the freedom from it. that's up to them.
we were gonna have a headspace movie night because tubi randomly notified me that "a penitent man" is leaving on thursday! and we decided, well why the heck not watch it? isn't that the whole theme of our life lately? so. not tonight because this update was important. and we need sleep. but tomorrow. i owe genesis a date night anyway, haha. we've already invited mimic and phlegmoni and galadia because they're all new outspacers and have not experienced a "movie night" before. neither has scalpel! geez that's a shock. i freakin love him, i'm so glad he insists on sticking around. legit the FIRST red nousfoni that HASN'T totally died due to core interference, because actually he anchored into BLOOD. legit solidified the subhue and fixed the problem, haha. razor was already there but everyone knows she was always half black in hue. so was laurie, for a while. bizarre how headspace worked in the early days; so many people backpacked achromes. thinking of giving achromatic spectrum hues different names btw to avoid racial confusion. we don't have ethnicity up here; nousfoni aren't human and our "ethnicities" are weird, to say the least. i'm trying to catalogue them on the other laptop. there are definite patterns, but we're like pokemon. laurie and wreckage and sugar are ALL nousfoni but they're different "subspecies." gotta look into biology terms for this. maybe make our own, heck yeah. gotta really enrich our innerworld jargon like we used to. it's beautiful. honestly thanks be to God for this, for us. all of us.
but dinner went by without any trouble. xenophon shared it with me. three fortunes were: "adventure is not outside, it is within" "be a generous friend and a fair enemy" "be most affectionate today." i laughed and immediately showed them to mimic, half teasing, dude this is way too relevant to our situation with you.
cleaned up the kitchen, got everything out for tomorrow morning, then was SO bloody tired i just dragged the chair over in front of the altar, sat down, and started reading the church bulletins. needed to read 'em anyway. mimic showed up ghosting (HOW. he didn't even have to LEARN. is that being immediately "uploaded" into outspacers now???) and sat by the chair. asking me what i was reading, etc. he's weirdly friendly, actually. not like genesis, or xenophon-- he's not "outgoing" or extroverted. not even like laurie, who is all steel edges but still shockingly warm and conversational. he's got that same level demeanor as he did in the dream, but it's not flat or morose-- he's got a sense of humor which STILL catches me off guard, and a tendency to talk a lot. he's not reclusive or standoffish at all. he's observant and interested, even if he instinctively tries to play it cool and pretend he "just overheard" or the like. i think the only reason why he's still kind of uncharacteristically reserved is because he's grappling with this new and weird environment. he's not sure who or what is a threat yet. he's watching, getting a grip on it. but he's warming up fast, especially with laurie constantly involving him in conversation, reassuring him, and all but flaunting her role as the main protector of the entire system. no one gets through her. so don't worry about "surviving" up here; we all look out for each other, we're all genuinely invested in each other's welfare, and if anyone tries to pick on the octopus they will have an axe buried in their skull within three milliseconds. but even moreso, she's proving to mimic that the most powerful people can still be kind and even vulnerable. laurie does not deny when she messes up, or is struggling, like she used to. she told him that, too. her walls were different than his, but they're still walls. still armor around the heart. laurie has friends and it doesn't make her weak at all; she emphasizes that she's willing to live and die for them, and if need be she will kill for them too (thinking of this anthem of hers with an ache in my heart), at least in the innerworld. but she is setting an amazing example. and i can tell it's affecting him. he's never had proof that his fear-based (because they are) assumptions weren't objectively true, not so firsthand, not with people who are including him IN that circle of friends. we do bring up the diamond cutters, carefully. that's when he puts the walls up. so we don't push it. it's a touchy subject. still. it's important to honor that part of his past. even if he doesn't seem too keen on getting close to people, i can empathize, and i wonder how much of that is fueled by survival instinct. versus how much is actual personal disposition. and how much conflict there is. i know for me, i conceptually want to be closer to people but i get overwhelmed and often shove people away. but then, like mimic, i monologue. i still talk as if to an audience. it's ironic. he's a shapeshifter and he has to know people in order to wear their mask, so to speak. as a core i get something similar with prismatic resonance-- i need to know other colors to properly do my job, too. he and i both have to "get close" to people in theory... but it's "ehhh" in person. even if deep down maybe we'd like to try. not sure what's in the way. fear of death, probably. even in concept. how ironic, for someone with a skull painted over their face and someone whose best friend is arguably the grim reaper. both of us covered in scars. both of us carrying blades. why. tired of us both seeing friendship as a liability. as a weakness. as "not being able to make it on your own" and loathing yourself for that inadequacy. as a crutch that enables that very flaw. all of it false. but all of those false beliefs still anchored too bloody hard. tired of wearing masks just to get by. how long can you pretend to be other people before you lose the concept of "other people?" is that why we're both so paradoxically isolated? the empathy issues? i don't want to be like this. at all. i don't want anyone else to be, either. i hope we can both work through this. that's the one thing about outspacers that i've come to terms with lately (it was very hard) that is actually very consoling. they aren't bound to their canon anymore. yes, it IS their history, and it will ALWAYS be at their heart, BUT as for their future, change is possible and allowed. they can grow as people in ways that would be IMPOSSIBLE in their native universes, especially since now they're in headspace which is INHERENTLY interconnective, and heartspace even moreso. they're going to be affected by us, and us by them. they're going to have unique experiences that will have visible impacts on who they become. and, of course, if you're in OUR space, you're going to fit the vibe. villains inevitably drop the dark cloak, as it were. and up here, that's expected. it's a good thing. it's how we work. and because the "worldline" differs here than their canon, it's legitimate within this new set of circumstances. the air is different here-- colors are brighter. everyone here can, and will, change for the better, if they cooperate with that.
so i was sitting on the couch and mimic is just chillin' and being oddly silent and i just picked up the "voice of the martyrs" mag for december and decided to read it entirely. emphasizing the "martyr" concept. telling him, "this is what it's really about." the courage. the absolute victorious faith. the persistent hope despite all odds. the incredible charity in the face of violent evil. the whole time i'm spontaneously elaborating on how love is stronger than death and more powerful than anything and these testimonies were proof, literally these people are being threatened with murder and torture on a daily basis because they believe in a God of compassion and forgiveness and mercy, and to their credit and His glory they refuse to stand down or compromise it. they set their faces like flint against machetes and bombs and rifles. and there's no bitterness in it. it's unreal. it's gorgeous. it's heartbreaking and jubilant all at once. the absolute strength of divine meekness, seen only as "weakness" in the eyes of the world, and yet unconquerable by it. ended up "paraphrasing" the entire prodigal son story in my manner of speech. focusing on the forgiveness, and the magnitude of what was forgiven. i'm very open with mimic, about my past. about how much of a bastard i have been, and still am some days. about my history of thievery, and compulsive lying, and addiction, and prostitution, and manipulation, and using people for my own advantage. about my proclivities to violent rage and crocodile tears. about my own cowardly "tough guy" facade and my fear of being helpless, inept, powerless, unskilled. about how deep down i feel as spineless as an octopus so i've learned to carry knives and speak them too. too much in common. sick of living this way. wanting so badly to be honorable and honest and courageous and compassionate, but some days i just chicken out like an idiot because of what it might cost me. kneejerk gutlessness. pain in the ass. but both of us just kind of... thinking about it all. in that weird interim between here and there. wanting to scoff at it all and just weasel our way through life. but so, so tired of the ice in our blood. exhausted. getting hints of something better, brighter, even beautiful, here in headspace. terrified of it. terrified of opening up and actually feeling things and letting our guard down. letting other people help us instead of doing it all alone. i'm learning, it's inevitable as part of a system, but... it's still new. even with mimic. part of me pissed off at "having someone else to have to care about" and wanting to kick him out solely because "i'm tired of thinking about other people." selfish garbage. not how i really feel. but a reaction i cannot deny. remembering what they said on bumblekast. "i don't want to say he's asexual, he just doesn't seem interested in interpersonal connections." well geez dude the two aren't mutually inclusive, but where do you draw the line on that second one? look at me and the blue guy, then look at how some days i just don't want to look at anyone. how much of it is mental illness? how much of it is trauma? how much of it is being so preoccupied with your own survival that you can't imagine prioritizing someone else? and yet. and yet we're talking in the living room for an hour. no stress somehow. not a "conversation." but still caring. it's so odd, this whole thing. but i'm... i'm learning so much about myself too. growing so much. i think that's why he was allowed to become an outspacer. that potential, for both of us. god works in mysterious ways
okay exhausted dead. 1130pm. good lord i was supposed to sleep. no idea what i've written. but hey it's written and i didn't slack off on this responsibility. learning to be accountable! yeah!
dietician cancelled for tomorrow and rescheduled for monday. other one is on friday. nothing on schedule for tomorrow unless we want to go to church. other than that we're chillin'. have to. body is wrecked.
i want to spend time with chaos 0. just him. his canon cousin has been taking all my attention lately and although that is vital, and kind of mandatory for me as a core dealing with an outspacer, i still need to take time out for us. it's essential to my heart. to my spiritual survival entirely. we've been wanting to do a spotify night for a while but schedule hasn't allowed it. tomorrow is absolutely movie night though, maybe by 9pm so we can actually legit sleep after. still. if mimic is bringing out the worst in me in order for it to be corrected, i need to spend time with someone who brings out the best in me, in order that i admit that it exists, too.
gotta sleep. burnt to a crisp with all this stress and thinking. overwhelmed. one day at a time. take it slow. whatever happens happens. focus on why you're doing this. because you care. because you have hope. because deep down you chose to love someone who legit drives you up the walls with their attitude. because you need someone to love you when you act the same way. otherwise, what hope is there for something better? brighter? even beautiful?
i keep thinking of the way he looked out at the snow on sunday. that first moment when he actually did let his guard down. never gonna forget that.
Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.
My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough. I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL--ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma! I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!
ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:
★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.
★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.
★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.
★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.
♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter. ♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face. ♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it. ♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him. ♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her. ♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands. ♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love. ♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light. ♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her. ♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart. ♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem. ♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar. ♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart. ♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo. ♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself. ♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY. ♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them. ♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER! ♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE. ♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment. ♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED. ♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her. ♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE,TOGETHER!!THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!
QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes: + Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically. ★ Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.) + Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation + Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too! ↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels." + ↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!! ★ (btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!) ★ Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning! ★ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!! + Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)
sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED. ★ Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly." THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.
+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMSARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!
post-breakfast//
Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.
MUFFIN) Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."
CORNFLAKES) HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky. ★ HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER. ♥
BANANA) Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!
EGG) Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it! + The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.
FRENCH VANILLA TEA) Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.
★ Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE. + We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!! We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate. ★ PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day. ✳Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO. ★ THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict. ★ ↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly. ★ Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!! ★ Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears. ✳INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION. ♥
PORK) Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)
POTATOES) According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.
LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD) We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.
post-snack//
Harvest cheddar Sun Chips. Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!! harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children. cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!! "dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!
+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!
★still vacillating between hyper-optimist mania and "I think I'm becoming jewel the egocidal maniac"
010908 - "month long hiatus" on dA - parents currently in divorce court; dad not allowed in house since before thanksgiving '07 - back in therapy; no longer hiding that "I have problems" - zim era; talking to KOH upstairs - monday talks with qlok - still a lot of "friends" online at this point-- shub, zhao, ppb, mel, ben, jimmy, ideya, naysu, sarai, LAD, etc. - TALKING TO NATALIE - "whistling through the graveyard" - STILL writing music and doing giftart
012208 - dancing through the waves of life
012408 - XANGA BEGINS
012708 - mention of vash & barry
020208 - mention of JULIE, DOPPELGANGER, & JESSICA as my main "shadows" ★ "DOPPELGANGER" WAS THE FREAKING TAR. WE HAD NO IDEA BACK THEN
020608 - CHRIS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION - chaos asked me if I was suicidal while I was at violin lessons
020808 - accepted to college
020908 - first xanga entry. PEOPLE TALKING!!! - "ate myself into oblivion" due to stress that "I pretended was gone" hitting me all at once - I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore. - LAURIE SPOKE FIRST. god bless. - jessica (BLUE), lynne (ORANGE), and me afterwards. - LAURIE AND I ARE ALREADY ON GOOD SPEAKING TERMS HERE. "That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?"
021308 - arguably first "shifting" proof entry. " I don't want to sleep or stay awake anymore." - THIS IS THE NIGHT-SNOW ENTRY; THIS IS A MILESTONE IN PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE!!! - "OVER MY SHOULDER" OST; FIRST RECORDED "JOHNNY-NIGHTER"
021708 - "impulse: cacophany of colors" = first "brainspill" poetry
022508 - the "jessica" entry that qlok flipped out over = "Laurie's not very happy with me. I'm not very happy with Jessica." - the PHYSICS ROOM DEATH TERROR DAY - ADMITTED THAT I LOVE GENESIS as a result of this
022508 - "on the subject of love" - LAURIE IS FURIOUS and she STABS WHERE IT HURTS. accusations of sexual immorality in my relationships due to "letting [julie] control [my] body"; ironically she saw the hellish future coming a mile away and I missed it - trying to "explain my relationships" and still not being honest with myself; I feel that in the very text
022608 - GENESIS AND CHAOS XANGA - " Oh and I want to change my text color to orange." - mention of a DELETED ENTRY WITH LYNNE ;______; Yeah, I should. Um... to all you readers, the headroom topic in my past entry is obsolete now. I also deleted it, haha. Yeah, we didn't want people getting the wrong idea, so we've all sworn off and erased such unhinged behavior as a result. Even me. Yes, even Selphy-boy. Apparently Jewel wasn't hallucinating.
030208 - FIRST RECORDED "NUMB STATE"
030408 - "riddle me this, anima… what is love?" skype
030508 - makeout sessions with genesis on the bus
030608 - grandma accused me of being a hateful person and I BROKE - JULIE JUMPED ON THIS.
031008 - "last night I exploded" - I'm like a living sacrificial doll. Not much to look at, no, and rarely does anyone give me a second glance, but I'm willing to die for the salvation of those I watch over, whether or not they know it. If I could honestly save someone's life like that... if I could honestly give someone an undying light of hope, if I could turn someone's future around for the better, if I could enlighten a soul so it could live peacefully... I'd give my life. Hands down, no questions asked. I'll die for anyone who needs me.
031208 - "trying to turn your life around" HUGE entry to qlok
032708 - huge thankyou entry on dA
040108 - IMPULSE: THAT ETERNAL MOMENT - qlok and I said "I love you" on monday night
040508 - "ALWAYS SO MUCH MORE TO SAY"
040708 "IMPULSE: HEART OF GLASS"
041208 "STREETLIGHTS"!!!
041308 - "two month ultimatum" and "I don't deserve all the loving friends I have"
042208 - "my head is a madhouse" - NOTABLE because it MENTIONS HEADSPACE EXISTING AS HABITABLE SPACE. - " Julie is being ruthlessly merciless. Every day she tries to get at me… Laurie and I can only do so much… when stuff happens it's headvoice versus headvoice and me stuck in the crossfire. It's not fun. At all… But Laurie's not always nice to me, you know. Sunday afternoon, she took out the axe… when I throw myself down and beat myself up, Laurie gets disgusted. And she gets violent. And I let her. And then Lynne steps in."
042408 - THE MORNING AFTER I TRIED TO "REABSORB" NOUSFONI - this is SUCH AN IMPORTANT ENTRY - "Natalie spoke for the first time last night. What a sweet voice she has... it's a shame her voice came so late, as she's no longer a personification anymore. She's back to being me. Yes, I managed to take Natalie, Jessica, and Lynne back into my personality this morning. My laughing reflection, my crying shadow, my supportive hope. All three, back to being what they were originally-- me. I did manage to evaporate the negative sides of Jess, though, so I didn't take back the self-worthlessness and depression. Natalie was happy to be back. I think I purposefully personified her, actually... just to give my reflection, my happy thoughts, a name of their own... even though they were me all the time. So it's nice to have her essence back, so to speak. I'm going to miss Lynne, though, although she's been urging me to take her back for quite some time. I did tell her that-- that I would miss having her around-- but she just reminded me that she wouldn't be gone, really... she'd just lose her personification and turn back into self-worth and hopeful ambition. I missed her in that respect too. It's terribly funny how I happened to personify all those missing emotions. Huh. At least they're back, I guess. But it feels... kind of wrong. I don't know." - " Well, all that's left now are my two "doughboys", to use my Johnny jargon. The nearly-autonomous headvoices. The playgirl and the axe-wielder. Eh... I don't think I want to "absorb" them, you know? Besides... I love talkng to Laurie, and a few years ago I actually got Julie to mellow out for a while and be nice. (That was when she was my only headvoice.) I spoke to her and Laurie last night and again this morning on that point, actually... that since I've know Julie for over a decade and I'm uncannily attached to Laurie (especially because of how I met her), I'd rather they just stay themselves, now that they have minds of their own, and just help me deal with things that way... just drop their vicious negativity and be nice for once. Laurie was all for it, actually, and said she'd gladly do that if Julie would behave as well. I was surprised when Julie said she'd try. See, told you she wasn't all bad. Everyone has some good in 'em, even headvoices. Unfortunately, they'e both formed from rejected bits of my personality (vice and self-hatred), so that might be an obstacle... but they still came from me, so they can't be all bad! I know they're not." - "...There are only two fragments, and they fragmented by my own free will...Everyone else I just let inside. And I was formed from them, in a sense. If they're simply pieces of me, then I'm simply a piece of them. That doesn't hold up. Sure, I could easily turn them into feeling and make them part of me, but I'd just end up with what isn't mine. Sure, I could easily forget them all and just go about life, but then I would have no purpose, no future, no past."
- 050208 - INSANEJOURNAL BEGINS. this was an active effort to hide from qlok. - FIRST SYSTEM TALLY. seven people. (laurie, julie, chaos, genesis … lynne, natalie, jessica (re-absorbed)) - JESSICA ALREADY LISTED AS "RE-FORMING"
050508 - love letter to genesis - AND "good day bad day would you look at the time? " - FIRST massively unhinged entry on record - " Regardless I'm just not comfortable around young adults... heck, I'm not comfortable around anything with a reproductive system" - BUT THEN… "I have 5 loves and two of them aren't human! Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero and Selph. Dear heavens I love them so much. Honestly. To the point where I would die for them. It's a beautiful feeling to have. Oh yeah and even better is the fact that both of them are completely sexless, which is awesome times twentysix. So I can do stuff with them that I can't do with anybody else! Yeah!" KID THIS IS WHAT LAURIE WARNED YOU ABOUT - "But yeah back to qlok. I'm very worried about his opinion of me. I know he worries about me, but I'm such a freaking headcase and emotional wreck and anomalous human type person that I am seriously thinking that, whatever I am and whatever I'm not, at least in his opinion, I'm not good for him or anyone. Honest. I think I'm a very bad thing for him to have in his life... even though I try my freaking hardest to be a good person… He's too good a person to deserve as bad a person as me. Everyone is. I just... well, I deserve to be alone, like I've always been, and I want to be. I like it this way, to be honest. Saves people, too." - QLOK AND I "BROKE UP" AFTER THIS - SCRIBBLD BEGINS THIS DAY TOO
050608 - " Polyamory is okay if you're asexual, right? Celibacy still counts even if you took the vow in second grade, right? There's nothing wrong with being in love with someone inhuman, is there? … Every darn thing you can do in a relationship that involves physical contact can easily be accused of being sexual in nature and that makes me want to explode with exasperation and offense… The crazy relationships I have with those two are terribly fun, really, but everyone gets the idea that it's somehow sexual. Good Lord it ISN'T. I hate sex, I've been traumatized by it before, and Julie is enough stress for me on that subject. On that note, miss blond pigtails, neither of my two guys are even capable, so there."
051108 - "I am having such a devastating guilt trip right now it's insane. And this one is horribly justified. I did some terrible things when I was young... terrible. And you wonder why I loathe my past so much. No details for you. No details for anyone. These are the sort of atrocities I haven't even spoken to Selph or Chaos about... and I tell them everything. Literally everything. Except my mistakes. Except my deepest and darkest regrets. That's going to a priest and no one else." - I'm so glad I'm finally eighteen. I'm now an adult. My entire childhood, my entire past is behind me now. Every last moment of it. And I plan to leave it all behind. As soon as I get all this hideous regret out of my soul, I'm going to change my name and erase every last reminder of my mistakes and regretful past that I possibly can. And then I'm going to start over. I'm going to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over. I'm finally going to be the person I want to be. The person I am inside. Not this idiot I've been stuck as for nearly two decades. I'm sick of this name. Sick of this town knowing who I was. Sick of the photo albums upstairs, the immature ramblings in my old journals, the memories burning holes in my mind. Sick of the guilt. Well, God willing, I'll finally be free from it all soon.
- WTF WAS I PLANNING????????????
051208 - IJ RANT ABOUT HEADVOICES. MILESTONE ENTRY. -
012010 - "I'm a population minority in a sense... asexual neutrois celibate, of course. It wouldn't be a problem if it didn't cause me problems with everything. If I mention it at home I'm ostracized or thrown at another therapist. If I mention it to said therapists I'm told that 'I'll grow out of it,' ignoring the fact that I've been 'growing out of it' since the 2nd grade. I wouldn't dare mention it in public, as most people don't take kindly to severe genderfreaks and I'd likely make my college life into more of a mess than it is now. Freakin' doctors won't even sign me up for surgery because 'you're too young and we don't want you scarring at this age.' For God's sake, man, I refuse to die without any scars. If the only way to be 'free' from this chronic curse is to slice myself open in thirty-six different ways, then get out the freaking scalpel and get started. I've got all the time in the world." - MENTION OF JENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
020410 - MANIC talk with CZ on FB - USING THE RED "JAYCE" ICON!!
022210 - "THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED"
050910 - MOM GOT A BOYFRIEND - QLOK GOT A GIRLFRIEND - COLLEGE EXPELLED ME - DYSPHORIA KILLING ME; "TOO NUMB TO WRITE OR DRAW"
051310 - I lost all interest in most things, and my memory played along, often deleting entire days from my recollection. I'd wake up in the morning and start to cry, because I couldn't remember anything that had happened over the past freaking week. Then I'd drag myself out of bed, stretch the pain out of my spine and try to choke down breakfast without throwing up. I'd head off to the washroom, close the door and look at my reflection in the full length mirror, silently loathing the body I was stuck in, mentally fighting off both Julie and Laurie's vicious appeals. Sometimes I'd win, sometimes I'd lose... but either way, I'd soon be rushing back out the door, resignedly wondering how quickly the next 7 hours would go by.
- I finally spoke to Jena. God only knows how much I love her; I hope she's more successful than she's ever dreamed. She deserves it.
052410 and got nose-to-nose with my neighbor's chihuahua without him trying to bite me! WHERE WERE WE LIVING??????????
052710 My dream last night was the closest thing to hell I've ever experienced. (WAS THAT THE LESBIAN RAPE + REDLIGHT BOMB DREAM???)
052910 - "BLOOD AND SUNLIGHT" - THIS WAS THE "FRAGMENT" ERA. we were hyperdissociated at all times just to survive. ★THIS ENTIRE ENTRY IS INDISPENSABLE. READ THE WHOLE THING TO THE THERAPIST. KEY POINTS: - Days spent dissociating so hard we detached from all physical sensation, "dreamlike" waking where nothing seemed real or "clicked" - TONS of "inner sight" time? daydreaming, talking in headspace. completely disconnected from the body, AND typically isolated??? - We DIDN'T EAT, and visual input was hazy. only "hearing" worked due to talking to ourself/ves and listening to music (minimalist) - To "reconnect" with physical reality we would physically "obsess" over it-- stretching, exercising obsessively, covering it with glitter, pulling out hair, cutting it. - THE WAR STARTED IN 2008 WITH THE "PURPLE COMB CROSSES" AND THAT WAS LAURIE'S DOING. "Concentrate on the burn, she'd say. Concentrate on it. It's fire; it's punishment. Think of what you've done that causes such pain, and never do it again." - IT ONLY WORKED AT FIRST BECAUSE I WASN'T USED TO THE PAIN!!! "…but as the incidents added up, a sick trend began to appear. I began to force myself to give in to Julie, no matter how much it hurt, because I wanted that other sort of hurt. I wanted to feel physical pain. My daily life was becoming so monotonous, so devoid of the vivid moments I thrived upon, that I was turning to desperate measures. I would willingly torture myself just to feel the bite of that unorthodox razor, just to feel real pain, even if it was fleeting. Laurie caught on quickly enough, and in a fury, refused to punish me any longer. If I screwed up, if I kept giving in, my guilt would be the only retaliation I would receive. It took me a while to stop; I was still so blind and desperate, and I kept pitifully looking for the pain, the sick reward I would receive for self-destruction. It never came." ARE WE STILL DOING THIS????????????
- COLLEGE BROKE US BECAUSE WE COULD NO LONGER RUN FROM TRIGGERS AND WE BEGAN TO SELFDESTRUCT. "[Attacks] began to hit from the outside. I had no way of fighting it… In some instances I could quickly turn away, heaving, shaking, my arms wrapped tightly about my stomach... but most times I would be trapped in a classroom for two hours with a promiscuous professor, forced to stand by a woman whose stomach bore the result of an act I had nightmares about. I was no longer able to escape, and it was slowly driving me to the edge. I began to abuse myself again... mentally, physically, emotionally. Most nights I would be locked in the bathroom again, where no one could see me, where no one would interrupt. I'd kneel on the floor and quietly sob, uncontrollably, terrified of the mirror, terrified of the body I was in, of the thoughts and words and pictures and expectations that went with it. That's when I started having the nightmares and the breakdowns. I couldn't escape. Everywhere I looked there was danger, danger, danger. I refused to give in or give up... so what could I do? Then one day Laurie took me aside and looked at me with tired, solemn eyes. She only said a few words. If you can't escape... you need to desensitize yourself. That started it all. It was hell; pure hell. I only wanted to run, but now I found myself with my legs chained to the wall, the horrors of the world directly before my eyes, and the only way to stay sane was to simply become blind to it. Or so I thought…What I didn't know is that in order to get through hell, I couldn't just turn around... I had to walk straight through the center of it first." HOW MANY BLOODY NOUSFONI WERE BORN FROM THIS. - DESENSITIZATION EFFORTS began when we were desperate and, seeking any coping method, attempted to "become used to" the horrors we were being constantly exposed to, in an effort to "numb ourselves" to the screaming terror on a daily basis. THIS BACKFIRED CATASTROPHICALLY. - Step one: GET USED TO MIRRORS. This, unarguably, is what kept Natalie from resurrecting for YEARS, AND is what shattered what was left of our self-image: CANNON DIED AFTER THIS AND THE JAYCES TOOK OVER!!! - JULIE JUMPED ON THIS AND KICKSTARTED THE "IT WOULDN'T HURT AT ALL IF YOU JUST AGREED WITH THEM & GAVE IN" FATAL MINDSET. THIS IS WHAT CREATED THE "SCIENTIST" AND OTHER HELL SPLINTER-NOUSFONI. "I began to look at the dangers and wonder if maybe I was the one who was wrong. I was so painfully naive. I was too frightened to stand up for myself or fight back. I was so broken and had so little faith in myself that I figured that I deserved to suffer... so I did." - DISSOCIATION & DEPRESSION SPIKE. SUICIDE BECOMES AN OPTION AT THIS POINT. - LAURIE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. We both thought, uncertainly, that "maybe if we realize how hellish this stuff TRULY IS, we will be motivated to fight it all the more"? but it failed, too. I was too weak, too scared, too tired, too doubtful of myself to defend myself. so laurie said, RUN TO HER. and she would overload me with physical pain, to the point where NO ONE ELSE COULD DO ANYTHING. this sort of "torture override" may have been the only thing preventing hacks for a WHILE. - tragically, Julie PUSHED FIGURE DRAWING and we gave in. and this SUCCEEDED IN "GETTING USED TO IT." this began the infamous "estar problem" and God knows it was LITERAL HELL. - we began to think we were a lesbian, NOT REALIZING IT WAS BECAUSE "I WAS ALREADY USED TO THAT TOO" and it just fed into the "numb self-annihilation drive" we were riding ★A MONTH PRIOR TO THIS ENTRY-- roughly the end of april, early may (check entries???)-- WE FIRST CUT THE BODY WITH A RAZOR. ★ "See, at this point you might be asking yourself 'if you're suffering so badly, and hate doing that to yourself so much, then why don't you just stop??' I wish it were that easy; I truly do. However, for some sick reason, whenever I get that destructive 'urge,' I go into a sort of locked-up mindset. All I can think about is what I'll do to myself, and often times I disassociate. I'll be destroying my body or my mind and the entire time, I'll be cut off from all my immediate senses, and imagining that this is happening to someone else, maybe in a completely different way. It's scary. I honestly won't see, hear, or otherwise notice anything that's going on around me unless it strongly catches me off guard, hence why it's hard to break out of those bad states, those 'Julie hacks.' Maybe I'll imagine some poor child being mangled by an attacker, who's telling him that unless he lets them hurt him, they'll kill his family. Maybe it'll be one of my characters, caught up in some nightmare they can't escape from. Maybe it'll even be me in another form, me as a Celebi, being ravaged by some brutal Pokemon-catcher group. God only knows... but either way, once I finish up whatever I'm doing, I invariably end up in one of three situations... 1, curled up in the corner and sobbing hysterically, 2, standing in front of the mirror and screaming at it... maybe picking up another 'weapon' and 'punishing' myself in a vicious cycle (sometimes I turn on the faucet until the water is scalding, then burn my hands several times... one time I even hid a knife on the towel rack so I could saw at my chest with it)... or 3, silently walking out into the living room, lying down on the couch, and blankly staring at the wall. Thoughtless, numb. Unwilling to even remember. When I wake up tomorrow I won't recall the evening at all. If I could turn off this horrid drive, I would have done so years ago. It's a day-by-day war for me." THIS ISEXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINA!?!??!?!?!!!!!! ALSO WAS TOBY BORN FROM THAT FIRST "THREATENED CHILD" MINDSET???? AND WHO THE BLOOD WOULD TAKE OVER IN OPTION 2 THERE??? ★BLACK LIGHT MACHINE SAVING OUR LIFE AGAIN = "YOU'RE THE ONE, AND THE ONE YOU MUST SURVIVE" ★ CZ ULTIMATUM = "IF YOU LOVE ME-- IF YOU LOVE ANYONE-- YOU'LL STOP DOING THIS." but also, " An ultimatum. One I couldn't possibly break. I wondered why they hadn't given it to me before, but then I remembered how weak I was, how willing I was to toss everything away. I remembered that day I decided my life was beyond saving, and I remembered waking up the next morning." - btw seeing him in dreams was RARE before this; ONLY NOW was when he started appearing in dreams TO PROTECT ME, which he now does CONSISTENTLY - "THEY HAD BEEN SPEAKING." = this was the time period when Chaos & Laurie began to see eye-to-eye & become friends ★ KEY REALIZATION = "I NEED PAIN. Oh yes, I need it. I need moments of extreme, gut-wrenching emotion, that shatter everything around you and force your perspective to change. Pain. I was getting it confused with other things for so long; awful things that lied, that pretended to be what I needed." YOU NEED CATHARSIS, KIDDO!!!! - SHOCK SITE THERAPY: " I have never flinched so hard. I could barely watch the next three minutes, but I forced myself to anyway... not because I was expected to, not because I had been told to, but because this was real, this was wrong, and I knew it. Catharsis. Extreme emotion. The pain I need." ★ THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE STARTED HAVING NOTABLE TROUBLE WITH "SEXUALITY" IN GENERAL. We were not attracted to people & felt no response at nudity, even in forcing ourselves through figure drawing: "I did not enjoy it at all, and there was no sexual anything… I'd be looking straight at some gal and I'd be wondering how the heck anyone would be attracted to that in the first place. At first I was fine with that. Then I brought it up to my mom and therapists, and they said something was wrong with me. So I started trying to 'force' myself (again; what was wrong with me??) to see something in it, although the very thought of it made me ill." ★ BUT THEN I MET JENA. "…and something weird happened. Yeah, I could just barely handle the figure drawing thing, but I didn't know those people. The art objectified them, which I loathed. But Jen? Forget it; I love her, and she's not taking her shirt off around me. See the difference?Having that direct, intense conflict between what I was feeling and what I was being told to feel forced me out of that [forced-lesbian] stage pretty darn fast. Sure, I'd still have my moments of 'but what if they're right?', I'll admit it, but ultimately it all came down to what I was unwilling to compromise, ironically." AND THAT'S CHAOS ZERO'S ULTIMATUM. - STILL TERRIFIED OF "CURVY" WOMEN & "PHYSICAL FEMININITY" = "The whole chest size thing that some guys obsess over? It scares me. I can't handle sexuality, even if one doesn't act upon it. If you're visibly showing something that I perceive as sexual, such as a large chest or a promiscuous outfit or big hips, I will likely act a bit panicky around you… I'm going to be frightened."
★ BTW. EVEN THOUGH INFINITII GOT THE HIPS, NO ONE GOT "CHEST SIZE." THAT IS STILL HORRIFYING TO US. ★ ALSO OH NO I SEE HOW THIS GOT CORRUPTED. We were "only attracted to" BOYISH GIRLS WITH BONY FIGURES AND FLAT CHESTS. It was that purity and androgyny that we felt "sensually drawn to" and LATER ON, IT BECAME WARPED TO INCLUDE CHILDREN DURING THE NC HELL. This was probably because, once we became exposed to real "queer" people and learned that mature women who LOOKED safe were NOT safe, our brain thought "well then the ONLY people who WON'T hurt us are KIDS" and… well. You remember what happened to the League, too, with that. "See, I like the deepest elements of things, the most truly personal things. I like bones, I like scars, I like tendons and veins and freckles and eyes and the way people move. I'm asexual, but... I'm addicted to intimacy. Extreme intimacy… I have this weird addiction to fragility, to things people take for granted, to hidden things, to secrets. I get it for most things, really, and sometimes it'll hit hard and out of nowhere. It's the reason why, when I got Apollo (my Macbook), I first looked through every file I could find on him, learned what everything on his keyboard was, put my nose up to his screen just to see the individual pixels... turned him off, turned him over, took him apart. Looked at every little piece. Put him back together and memorized every different texture on him. Details. I do it to music, too... I'll listen to the same song, over and over, for hours... maybe repeating the same two seconds just to hear a certain chord, or a certain echo, or the way his voice cracks, or the way she breathes in, or the way I can hear the musician's finger touch a string on that one note. Maybe I'll just listen to every instrument individually, maybe I'll just hold my headphones against my ears, close my eyes, and lose myself… sometimes I get it with people. I get it with those girls, the ones I feel close to. I'll want to memorize the exact color of her eyes, the way her hair feels through my fingers. I'll want to run my fingers over her shoulder blades and feel her heart beat and listen to the way her breath catches sometimes. Is that romantic? I don't know what to call it; it's almost a drive. It's like I need to feel that even if I can't explain why… [but] it's always one sided. Always one sided. Maybe it's simply because I don't feel I exist in the physical world, not genuinely. Maybe it's because I don't see myself as a 'lover' or 'partner,' just a compassionate and selfless observer. But I don't want to be seen back. I only want the other person to know that they are deeply loved, that's all." ★ WE LOST THIS BECAUSE OF NORTH CAROLINA AND I WANT IT BACK!!!!
060210 -Started "hallucinating" about the unicorns.
060310 - THE BEAR & LAURIE DREAM!!! - Also with Perfect and me flying into his "heart" to BECOME THE RUBY. He also told me he wanted me to stay with him "for the rest of [his] entire life" - Oh yeah! and THIS. "…there was a small group of people holding up a large amount of colorful spheres up to me and demanding that I 'sing.' I originally thought the spheres were 'onions,' as they were covered in a sort of concentric 'skin' that looked like thick plastic. They also appeared to be lit dimly from the inside. Some were pink, some were yellow, and some were white-- but the most striking thing about them is that most of them appeared to be rotting. The few that were being practically shoved into my face were almost entirely rotted, and looked positively horrid. Regardless, the people still kept shouting that I 'sing' for them, but I said nothing. At one point the man who was holding the onion-things thrust them towards my face so sharply I thought he was going to hit me, and I couldn't help but cry out a bit. Someone behind him laughed and commented that it was the 'closest thing to a song' they were probably going to get from me." - I was ALSO flying around as a Celebi! - AND THE PHAGOPHOS. They would "possess" people and their "inflicted vice" was EMPTINESS. The ONLY thing that gave us hope was my saying 'All Jewel Monsters are good at heart.' and one HEARD me and FELT SOMETHING, transmuting its emptiness!!!!
★ JUNE BEGAN THE MULTIPLE FEW-SENTENCE FRAGMENT ENTRIES. I ALSO BEGAN HAVING BREAKDOWNS AND CALLING OFF OF WORK.
061710 - BETWEEN THE 12TH & NOW I AM SUDDENLY IN UTAH????????? - "LAURIE LOST IT" - "I was subjected to 40+ solid minutes of physical/mental torture, which had no discernible motive other than inducing crushing guilt and self-deprecating thoughts for the sake of "punishment." The most terrifying part wasn't the pain in itself... it was her absolute refusal to stop, negotiate, or even explain herself. Not only that, but Chaos tried to intervene on my part, and she attacked him so severely and abruptly that he actually bled. Needless to say I was in a total panic by now. ...After qlok showed up and therefore rendered her incapacitated (at least temporarily), Chaos, Marik, Bakura, & I tried to figure out what had happened. We couldn't. For the first time in my 4 years of knowing her, Laurie had visibly unwound... unhinged, even. I think she might've even been blind; she didn't seem able to comprehend ANYTHING, let alone those around her. She insisted everything we spoke was a lie and was apparently focused (albeit in a very frantic manner) on the senseless mania that was dictating her actions. I don't know if she slept or not. I was, understandably, afraid to sleep, as she had been severely hacking my 'dreams' when I tried to escape the night before. I'm worried sick. If my own superego is going through this, what's going to happen to the rest of us?"
061810 - XANGA WITH LAURIE. - CORE AVATAR IS NOW RED "JAYCE". GOING BY "JEWEL" STILL. You'd better be sorry, you bastard. Look at what you've done. Laurie, is this really my fault though? They wanted me to come here. I'm doing this for them. Don't lie to me, bitch. They had no idea what sort of pain you would cause them. Remember what you did to her Wednesday night? You heard those sobs! That was YOUR FAULT. oh shit I remember what this was just… read this entire entry to the therapist, okay? key points - " He's not yours, and neither is she! …You're tearing them apart! You're a glitch in the program, an extra variable that throws everything out of sync. They don't need or want you." - She mentioned how my loving Chaos "enough to die for him" was ALSO "going to cause a conflict"; I insisted that was "settled" but she insisted otherwise. - I just deal the punishment you deserve. You're the one laying down the cards… I know EXACTLY what you're trying to pull here, and that's why I refuse to let you lie your way out of it.
061810 - "compassion" poem. about mel and qlok. remember this affected them STRONGLY. read this in therapy. - I awoke this morning to find you in my arms. Now he holds you the same. I feel no pain, no envy... such things cannot exist for the sake of love. I simply feel purposeless. An extra wheel; an accidental addition. I am intruding upon something I relinquished a lifetime ago. My chandelier has shattered; yours is picturesque. My presence only forebodes a fate I swore I would never let you suffer. So what do I do?"
062010 - "I was supposed to be their guardian angel. I was supposed to protect them. I did what I could, but... God forgive me, we came so close." - CAR CRASH CAR CRASH CAR CRASH!!!!
062110 - finally got laurie's point. 1) I am currently living in the same state as 2 individuals I care for very much. 2) Of those 2 individuals, one of them used to 'be in a relationship' with me, and is now in a very strong relationship with the other. 3) As a result of this connection between the two, I cannot show any sort of love to either of them without feeling like a criminal. AND THEY WERE TREATING ME LIKE IT, TOO. - "I am over 2000 miles away from the place I've called 'home' for the past 2 decades, and it's only now that I finally realize what 'home' should feel like." ★ I was driving through Cottonwood Heights this morning and as I looked at the scenery around me, I asked myself why I felt so apprehensive. No, I'd never been there before... I knew very few people and places there, and if I had been left on a street corner I would have had no idea where to turn. And yet, we would all feel that initial fear upon arriving in a 'new' place. It's natural... we need our security, our comfort, our familiarity. We also forget that those things need to develop, with no exceptions. That is the reason why I need my outside love. To me, that's the only thing I need to feel at home. My books, my music, my work... they all contain countless hours of that love. And yet there's something terribly intriguing about having another soul in your life to give love to as well. That's why I'm suffering. That's why I'm so numb right now. I couldn't handle the relentless ache of keeping everything inside, of keeping everything hidden, when I finally had a possible chance to let it all out. I traveled 2000 miles and took so many risks just to be here, just to be here for them. I put everything on the line for their love, just to find that I could not give it back... that I could not free this relentless light trapped within my ribcage. It began to burn, so I hid it. Right about now, I'd give anything just to feel that pain again. I STILL HAVE FLASHBACKS TO THAT EXACT EVENT!!!
062210 - SELF IMAGE IS NOW SOLIDLY MALE. "... I've never had a definite or visual idea of what I'd like to have until the past few months. Even stranger, in every single 'vision' I have of my future, I'm physically Jayce." -
082810 - I'm currently in Utah. I don't want to go home, and I don't want to stay here. Everywhere I go, I find myself twisting myself to fit expectations, blindly entertain people, avoid serious offense or whatever the heck else gets thrown at me. I'm so tired. I'm also starting to get very sick physically. That's a direct result of my psychological problems, and as such I can't do a darn thing about it.
I'm actually at qlok's house right now, and both he and mel are here. I don't know what to do. I feel so numb and empty after this morning. I was just 'hanging around' with qlok for a few hours, with Apollo (my Macbook if you didn't know), and having him there made me feel stupidly obligated to 'try and keep him amused.' What the heck. But yeah, mindless me decided to waste time on Tumblr and Halolz and all sorts of idiocy in a lame attempt to 'be interesting.' I'm so freaking sick of it. What if I want to work? Can't you even respect what little privacy I have nowadays? What if I just want to sit and actually think, huh? I don't need any of the 'fun' you like so much. I need something worthwhile. I just don't know how to come out and say that without condemning them all to hours of emotional pain whenever I'm around. I'm so freaking sorry.
This is why I don't like being around them, although I'm too afraid to speak it. I cannot ever be myself.
I am also SICK of being physically female. Even typing it makes me want to throw up or throw my computer across the room. Yeah, I know this is a test from God. Be strong, right? But this horrific body is making me cruel, angry, and vengeful... it's not me. I'm terrified. God, please, help me get through this. I don't know what to do and all I want to do is sleep until I feel right again.
082910 - KEY ENTRY????? - Screw getting a girlfriend; right now I'd probably be happier if I never saw another biological female for the rest of my freaking life. Last night I was sent to hell. Let's start at the beginning... Yesterday, after I finished my Jayce-rant entry, mel went into some sort of Laurie-state with (I assume) Parker: her own personal schadenfreudic headvoice, so to speak. Of course I was still stuck in this awfully numb state during it, so I had no idea what do do, let alone the means to do so. Even better? I lost my only connection to Jena. Hello mental trauma.
- …I haven't been feeling anything other than this dull empty ache between my ribs, but according to mel I've been emitting such a negative energy signature that it's making them physically ill.
The Cathedral of the Madeleine, Salt Lake City Interior designed 1917
I was here, once, on the Feast of the Assumption, the day after I moved into SLC for a while.
The mass changed my life. I wept from ineffable emotions the entire time, stricken by the beauty of the art and the air, the prayers and the psalms, the glory of the Gospel. I wanted to stay forever. In my heart, I truly think I have. Part of my soul will always remain there, kneeling alone and awestruck in those pews, pouring itself out to God.
That HAND in that kaleidoscopic color– that reduces me to trembling. That numinous surrealism, that impossible terrible beauty… That is how God’s divinity feels to me. And Moses, completely unclothed, his sandal in hand, his body language totally open, wonder clearly visible despite fear… that light above him. I adore this, I really do.
This is all I want in life; this is all my heart yearns for; this is what we are meant to live and die for.
Sweet Jesus, I beg of you, poor, weak and miserable sinner that I am– please, move my heart, change my heart, purify my will and thoughts so that this, this, You– are the very center and core and guiding light of my existence, the cornerstone of my soul, the joy and hope and love of my entire being. Dear Jesus, hear my fervent prayer! How I love you, and how desperately I wish to love you even more– more sincerely, more completely, more ardently, in this life and the next!
Your love is life itself. May I spend both my life and my love in constant honor of You.
There is so much delicately powerful emotion in this, spoken through silent body language. It’s beautiful.
The composition is utterly breathtaking, too– the central image of Christ, triumphantly resurrected, His arm gesturing towards His Mother, whose hand is humbly touched to her heart, “behold the handmaiden of the Lord”… echoing the upheld arm of the Archangel Gabriel, in a perfect diagonal across, linked by the figure of Christ, literally and figuratively… the banner He holds mirroring the Archangel’s greeting– “hail, full of grace!” – in both victorious function and declaration of birth… His life blossoming forth from both the Womb and the Tomb. Then on the bottom left we have Saints Nazarius and Celsus (with a donor), with Saints Sebastian and Roch in the bottom right… and for me, the meaning that sprung out was that they were all notably cared for by women: Celsus first by his mother, who introduced him to Nazarius to be taught and baptized; Sebastian by Saint Irene of Rome, who tended his wounds; and Roch also by his mother, who was sterile until she prayed to Mary for a child! Not only that, but Saint Roch is speaking to an angel… again making a diagonal connection to Gabriel, and linking Mary to him by association. Completing this compositional beauty is Nazarius, gesturing to Christ, the kneeling donor and attentive Celsus beside him echoing Mary’s position of prayerful humility… and reflecting, lastly, the awe of the soldiers falling before the resurrected Jesus, the dawning light around the one’s head perhaps symbolizing the awakening of Gentiles like us to faith, to beholding the glory of God in His Son, and to ultimately testifying to His Sovereignty with every detail of our lives… seeing Him in All, just like this painting.
Crucifixus etiam pro nobis.
He was crucified– even for us!
(That is the heart of the cross. He did it for us. This was no deserved punishment for Him; this was no obligation or sentence or force. This was no selfish act. Everything about the crucifixion was a choice, made in obedient love, to Love, for Love. Jesus Christ died for us. There is an entire universe of meaning in that simple profound truth.)
Christ is the King of all Creation, and the King of our very hearts. He is both the Just Judge of souls, and our Merciful Savior. All glory, honor, power, and praise are His– the Son of God, the Ruler of All!
These artworks are so beautiful. They portray the gorgeous compassion of Christ, as well as His stunning authority, in powerful truth. I especially love when His Wounds are visible alongside His Scepter and Crown– reminding us of what He suffered for our sake, through His Passion and Death, to redeem us from the sin He otherwise must punish… mercy and justice united in perfect love. It’s amazing.
Look at the love in every single face here. The gaze that the Christ Child is giving her is profound enough to move my heart to tears.
The perspective of this is astounding– and the translucency of the angels!! And God the Father at the very top, arms outstretched, radiant. That simple detail is magnificent, and makes my heart tremble.
I love the visible brushstrokes in this, how they are practically tangible light. Fitting for such a portrait of an angel, announcing the Light Incarnate! I also really love how Gabriel is portrayed– those worker’s arms, that notable nose, the tightly curled hair. To imagine how angels must choose a visible form for our sakes, it’s a dear thought to wonder over, what Gabriel would delight to be depicted with, in every artist’s eye.
Our Christian brethren from all ages, gathered all together at last, in eternal love and praise of our God– in wonder and joy before the Son and His Mother, the King and Queen of us all! Oh, to one day be a joyous member of that heavenly host!! Keep this image and its great hope in your heart. This is the community of saints we must strive to join, through living holy lives here on earth, by Christ’s grace. Let that dedication to honor Him motivate our every decision, until we leave this world for Paradise!
Oh I love the absolute friendly intimacy of this interaction. Look at the body language– Matthew’s almost casually crossed legs, the angel’s playfully graceful tilt, Matthew’s raptly focused hands gripping book and quill, the angel’s light but powerful touch guiding him, their other hand resting so simply… Matthew’s bright and inspired eyes, the angel’s utterly peaceful and playful gaze, that hint of a smile in their unheard direction.
The closeness evident in this, literally and figuratively, is so sweet and moving. May we, too, strive to have such a friendship with God and His angels (and saints!), that it permeates every moment of our everyday lives with faithful love.
Oh WHAT a sword!! How true that is, in its terrific pain!
And yet, look at her face. Despite inexpressible sorrows, Mary forever trusts in God. She feels no bitterness, no despair, no complaint. She weeps, as any loving heart would– she weeps more than any woman has ever wept– but her tears are all born of love for Her Divine Son.
Inexpressible love, and inexpressible sorrow. This is how she shares in Christ’s Passion and Death. This is that blessed sword.
The intricate elegance of this card itself is nothing compared to the fathomless beauty of His Sacred Heart.
I really love that juxtaposition, of worship offering sweetness to sweetness itself. It’s a very precious thing.
Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go yonder and pray.” And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.” – Mt 26:36-39
”[…]The world has no idea of all that Jesus suffered.[…]” —St. Faustina, Diary 1054
Jesus fell on His face and prayed. I forget that profound detail. His prayer was so fervent, so genuine, so anguished… indeed, we have no idea how severely our Savior suffered for us. No wonder He shook with sorrow in the garden. This fact should move us all to the deepest humility, love, gratitude, and contrition!
Saint Nicholas of Tolentino, Confessor - 10 September
The clouds look like roses– fitting, as the Rosary is a powerful aid to those in Purgatory.
I also love those angels above, mirroring the souls below. It’s like they’re joyfully watching Saint Nicholas, waiting with him to welcome those suffering brethren into the Kingdom at last.
Just… the angels, their expressions ineffable, showing our Lord scenes from His imminent Passion, carrying Veronica’s veil, even displaying His Sorrowful Mother’s heart pierced in Simeon’s prophetic fulfillment… how the angels nearest us are transparent, their testaments unknown… how our dear Savior Himself is lying on the ground in agonized prayer, yet His eyes are attentive, understanding, decisive even… how He looks up so in the direction of the seraph bearing the chalice He feared to drink, yet which is full of light before Him… and here there is no fear on His holy face, no distress, if only for a moment. Here, there is divine strength. Here, there is the first glimmer of the hope of The Resurrection.
“[He prayed,] ‘Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.’ And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.” (Luke 22:42-43)
Bartolomeo Guidobono (Il Prete di Savona), The Intercession of the Virgin and Saint Nicholas of Tolentino for the Souls in Purgatory, 18th century
This is such a powerful image– both the desperate reaches & faces of the poor suffering souls in Purgatory towards heaven, towards Jesus and His Mother, and the contrastingly serene expressions of those divine figures, are so striking.
Mostly I am so moved by the angel. There is this totally calm yet solidly joyous smile on their face, and they are pulling a soul out of Purgatory with a grip that is firm but full of love. I’m not sure on the meaning of the belt in their other hand, but if I had to guess, if seems as if that instrument of bondage, too, was removed from the soul below.
And those skulls in the bottom left corner. Memento Mori. Pray for the souls in Purgatory– chances are that we, too, will join them one day, and that day may very well be tomorrow!!
A French print of the Mother of Sorrows holding some of the Arma Christi, the instruments Christ’s Passion.
I love how, even with tears in her eyes, there is this visible joy in her face. She has wept with bitter sorrow but this fact has not diminished her faith, hope, or love in the slightest. She holds these terribly blessed instruments with a genuine honor, displaying them to us with glory. She knows God is victorious. She knows her Son will rise. She knows that no amount of pain or misery can ever stand in the way of the Lord… but she also knows that pain and misery are real, and legitimate, and holy when felt by a tender heart.
Mary invites us to share her sorrows, so that we can truly share in her joy as well. Blessed Mother of Sorrows, pray for us!
Meanwhile in Rome…
Church of Santa Maria in campitelli
Oh WOW.
I love Catholic church architecture so much because it absolutely testifies to the GLORY of God! This is something you do not, and should not, see anywhere but in the House of God. It is a powerful visual testament to WHO we are worshipping.
I always remind others of this when they doubt the existence of relics from the Crucifixion… do you really think Mary would let those sacred objects go forgotten? Never. I am sure she preserved them with the utmost love and honor.
Oh blessed Mother, oh sorrowful Mother, pray for us poor sinners, that through the dear graces of your Son’s saving death, we may be made new and live lives worthy of receiving His promises!
Viktor Vasnetsov - Fatherhood (Detail); State Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow, Russia; 1907
I’ve posted this one a few times before, but I never tire of looking at it
This is titled Fatherhood.
I’m honestly in tears. The beauty and power of this is a sword straight to the heart. This is our God– the Lord and Creator of all– our Father and Brother and Friend, Who loves us!!
Oh this absolutely rends my heart with its beauty.
Holy Thursday night is the most agonizingly sorrowful and most mysteriously gorgeous night of the entire year, for me. It is its own entire reality, outside of linear time somehow, eternally ancient and yet completely present, so real you feel it in every atom. The last night before the end… the first night of the beginning.
The ineffable love in this leaves me speechless and in tears. To think… Christ yearns to embrace all of us like that. That’s how dearly He loves us– that’s the ultimate heart of the Cross itself!
This is strikingly moving. What a devoted, loving mother, who would not rest until her son’s soul was delivered from deathly ways!
Dear Saint Monica, pray to God for all of us whose loved ones have ignored, rejected, or fallen away from Christ! May their souls be moved by God’s grace, through our loving and fervent intercessions, to convert and return to the Lord with their whole hearts!
Un Viático en el Baztan - Javier Ciga Echandi - 1917
A Viaticum in the Baztan.
“According to Fernández Oyaregui, ‘Un Viático en el Baztan’ is [Javier’s] masterpiece… "It narrates, with incalculable ethnographic and sociological value, with real characters of his time, a habitual religious custom at the time…” The scene, which takes place in the palace of Askoa in Elbete, reflects the moment in which a procession of mourning women provided with candles, preceded by Monsignor Mauricio Berekoetxea and the altar boy Juan Lasa, set out to enter the house of the patient to administer the last Sacraments.” (Source)
There is such a tangible sense of sacred solemnity here– a real blurring of the line between life and death. Here, the Monsignor and funeral procession testify not only to the reality of imminent death, of the end of a life… but even more strongly, bringing with them the Real Presence of Christ Himself, they testify to an imminent life after, to a greater truer life, the Way leading them in to the patient, and leading their patient onwards. You can feel that very threshold thrumming in the silent gravity of this painting.
I love the vibe of this so much. I can practically smell the crisp cold winter air, and the warm glow of morning sunlight, pouring from the stark blue skies… but loveliest of all is the luminous church itself, joyful and welcoming and bright, a safe haven for body and soul.
This is what winter feels like for me, in my heart always, and I love it so much.
The simple yet profound intimacy in this is stunningly gorgeous.
That is the hand of God, mind you. God as an infant, God as a human child, touching his human mother with divine tenderness and love. That detail alone is enough to move one to heartfelt contemplation.
I actually like how Christ is out of frame here– we only see His blessed Hands, crowning His Mother. That limited visibility highlights the mystery and divinity of this event, as it makes the Son appear in the same hidden way as the Father does in so many other ancient artworks: as hands alone, as the very instruments of power… as nothing personal, nothing too profound for mortal men. Now Mary, too, is an earthly being, no matter how holy she has been made, for her earthliness was a key part of her role in God’s plan. But she was the first mortal to see the face of God and live… the face of Jesus Christ. And now, here, she is made Queen of Heaven, raised up to a new way of being altogether, by the direct will and action of He Whose True Face no mortal being can see, let alone fathom.
And so, here we only see our Savior’s hands, but Mary sees infinitely more, sees what is hidden from us… she sees the Face of her Beloved Son.
I’m immediately struck by their eyes, though. Their gaze is pure intensity, blazing like fire, and yet there’s still this feeling of unshakable peace within it… a peace born of angelic faith, joyously immovable though the stars themselves be snuffed out. Terrible, beautiful, awe-inspiring faith. Faith that makes you tremble, for it inherently proclaims the all-surpassing glory of God, to Whom that faith is anchored fast.
Seraphim are the highest choir. They exist TO praise God, incessantly. No wonder this one radiates such incomprehensible holiness. Every angel is terrifying because they are so high above us, so much closer to God, and they carry that Divine Light with them. To fear them is a mark of humility– a vivid awareness of our own awful sinfulness in contrast– but their response to us, “do not be afraid,” proclaims God’s Goodness, which is infinitely above even theirs, in an even more staggering sense. The Creator of All, the One Who makes a seraph’s eyes look like that– He loves us, and calls us to Him, and sent His Own Son to save us… the same beloved Son Whom the angels adore and announce throughout Scripture, and throughout our own lives even now.
So, behold this seraph. See God working through them for His people. See His power and glory and love reflected in them. And do not be afraid.
Saints. Hours of Louis de Laval, France ~ ca.1480
That ocean of halos gives me so much hope. So many holy souls whose faces only God knows… unknown to the world, and blissfully so, for they are with God now, and lived for Him despite their anonymity, and that is all that matters.
Dear Lord, through Your grace and guidance, may I join this most blessed multitude one day, to adore you forever.
I love the details in this– the Arma Christi held by angels, including the pillar at which he was scourged… the skull and crowns at the foot of the cross… His Holy Family adoring together from Heaven… Veronica’s veil, the pelican perched on the top of the cross.
The Prodigal Son In Modern Life, the Fatted Calf, 1882, James Tissot
Oh wow, this is beautifully done. I absolutely love modern-day depictions of Jesus’s parables; it shows how they are still so absolutely relevant to our lives.
Foster father and dear cousin.
I love how Jesus has His eyes closed in both statues, a beautiful expression of trust and peace.
The Beheading of Saint John the Baptist Pier Francesco Mazzucchelli—ca. 1620
The composition of this is so powerful it brings me to tears.
There is such powerful testimony in all the paintings of John’s martyrdom. The very portrayal of his death speaks volumes as to the depth and devotion of his faith.
Saint Denis - bishop of Paris in the third century
He was martyred for his faith by decapitation together with his companions Rusticus and Eleutherius
prosperosfootnotes: Motion to have all cephalophore saints depicted with light-like heads from now on.
This makes me think of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
“Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (CSB)
So yes, I am absolutely here for luminous-souled cephalophores. That which is within cannot be cut off.
Oh WOW, look at the silhouette of God the Father!!
I’m actually in tears from the beauty of this. God bless His inspired artists.
German: “Jesus wird erhöhet u stirbt am Creuze.” = “Jesus is raised/ exalted and dies on the Cross.”
I am struck, though, by the object at the foot of the Cross, beside Mary Magdalene. Is that the spikenard from John 12:3? Is that the precious oil with which she anointed His feet “for burial,” and dried them with her hair? If so, what a gorgeously heartbreaking visual parallel this is!
THIS is why we must be absolutely reverent during Mass!! The divine, unseen truth occurring there, all around us, including us, is so magnificent that it would (and should) bring every parishioner to their knees in awestruck tears… if we but honestly realized it, if only for a moment!
Oh my goodness this is so beautiful it makes me cry. Look at the absolute love in their eyes… and realize that Christ is looking at us like that, even now. It’s enough to move any heart to heaven.
Saint Joseph, foster father of all Christians, pray for us, your children through the Son, that we, too, may always gaze upon Him with as much pure and ardent love as you do.
Oh this is staggering in its humbly stark simplicity.
This is what He endured for us– overwhelming pain, pierced through with countless lances of sin! And yet, see there, the precious drops of Divine Blood– unfathomable mercy, shed for our reconciliation even then.
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us poor sinners!
A German baroque miniatur of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, “heart of love and sorrow”.
This is really beautiful.
Her love and her sorrow are inseparable, really. They each strengthen and enable the other. One cannot feel true grief without knowing true compassion, and vice versa.
The lighting in this is magnificent. Truly our Blessed Mother is “clothed with the sun” here!
I also really love how Mary– portrayed here as Our Lady of Lourdes, the Immaculate Conception– is positioned directly above the Tabernacle… which she literally is in her own right, having also “immaculately conceived” our Savior, and carrying His Precious Body within hers. Not only that, but right above her is the Holy Spirit, who made that very fact possible!
In any case the symmetry and symbolism of this entire altar is gorgeous.
Oh my goodness where is this? That conjoined-wing design, especially superimposed upon the wheels, just screams “Ophanim” to me.
I love this. I love incomprehensible representations of divinity, God and His angels both. It’s a deeply awe-inspiring truth.
Antique Prayer Cards.
I tried my best to translate the four French+Latin cards; they’re very beautiful. If you can translate them more accurately please let me know!
1. “Voila ce Coeur, Qui a tem'aime les homme!” = “Here is this Heart, Who has loved (you) men!”
2. “Tendre Marie priez pour nous auprès de votre divin fils.” = “Tender Mary pray for us to your divine son.”
3. “Mater Divina Providencia” = “Mother of Divine Providence.” / “Auxilium Christianorum” = “Help of Christians.” / “Salut, ó Mère de misėricorde; notre vie, notre joie, et notre esperance.” (Salve Regina)“ = "Hail, Mother of mercy; our life, our joy, and our hope. (Hail (Holy) Queen)” / “Secours des Chrétiens, priez pour nous.” = “Help of Christians, pray for us.”
4. “Ce que c'est qu'aimer. Dėdié à la Garde l'honneur.” = “This is what it is to love. Dedicated to Guard (Keep) the honor.” (?) / “Une petit image des degrés de l'amour.” = “A small picture of the degrees of love.” / “Mon Dieu, faites pousser mes ailes!…” = “My God, Make my wings grow!” (literally “Grow my wings!”) / “C'est en aimant la Croix que l'on trouve son Coeur, Car le divin Amour ne vit pas sans douleur…” = “It is by loving the Cross that one finds his Heart, Because the divine Love does not exist without pain…”
The final card is absolutely gorgeous; it’s also striking because it appears to potray the Sacred Heart of Jesus, with Mary’s Immaculate Heart at its center, Saint Joseph’s Pure Heart to the right, and Saint John the Divine’s Heart to the left! I’ve never seen his heart portrayed before. But, remember, from the Cross, Jesus entrusted Mary to him as his Mother, making John her first adopted son among us Christians. Therefore, the entire “Holy Family” is upon the Cross with our Lord, all their hearts united in that suffering love… and at its foot, dozens of anonymous hearts fly, inflamed with the Holy Spirit, to join that Family, quite literally, as Christians. Those are OUR hearts. It’s profoundly moving, truly. But there is also a terrific warning– notice the heart that has lost its fire of love, and so blackened and wingless, falls to the ground! May we be prevented from ever suffering such a fate– instead, let us all pray to our Crucified Lord of Love to gather our hearts to His– we tiny winged things, more precious than many sparrows– that we, with His blessed Family, may grow in fiery ardor to ultimately join them in both name and nature, honoring and defending both His Heart and His Cross, affixed to it with Him through carrying our own with fidelity and love!
In his human weakness, he betrayed his Lord… but his Lord never took the keys back. Peter still knew Jesus was the Christ, and nothing could change his faith– not even his own sin. His heart was still devoted, and we see the immediate proof of that in his repentance here… seeking forgiveness upon a rock, for having denied his Rock, who had called him, too, to be such a rock.
And he still has the keys. I cannot get over that. Even then, with the cockerel crowing overhead. His sin happened in the night, but now, even now, the darkness is ending. There is hope, golden and true, greater than any sin. There is resurrection after death. The rock will be moved, has been moved, and love will triumph evermore.
Oh wow, this is such a tenderly loving image of Mary– and such an honestly striking picture of Jesus, so absolutely human here, so recognizable as a tiny infant, like we all were once. To imagine dear Mary cradling us like this, too, the blessedly adopted Children of her Blessed Child… she is, indeed, Our Good Mother.
What love and tenderness she beholds us with. We are indeed her children.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, Thy kingdom come!
God’s heart is aflame with love for us. He will ignite our hearts with that same love, for His sake! Trust in Him and do His work– He will support you in all of it.
In His Kingdom, our hearts in turn will burn like this for love of Him. And what love He has for us!! May our hearts be ignited even now, so that His will may be done upon earth!
Our Lady of Victory Basilica, Lackawanna, NY
Oh WOW, what a beautiful tabernacle!! All those reverent angels! One’s heart cannot help but be moved to feel the same.
Those thorns… that expression! There is such profundity and vulnerability in His face. I cannot take my eyes away from Him.
French reliquary pendant for the Holy Thorn circa 1340.
As someone with a strong devotion to Christ Crowned With Thorns, the reality of this absolutely hits me straight in the heart. Wow.
Honestly I’m speechlessly in tears; this is so ineffably beautiful and mysterious and holy. Looking at that Thorn… it makes me weak in the knees with reverent awe. Glory be to God.
Passage of the Jews through the Red Sea, 1891, Ivan Aivazovski
This is absolutely staggering in both beauty and affective power. Look how close the Egyptian army is! Look at those last-minute souls just barely pulling themselves out of the returning waters! Look at the light above, the darkness about, the divinely terrifying glow of the fiery cloud! And look at Moses– his hand outstretched, his faith unwavering, his people freed, his Lord and God unfailing.
The Old Testament (Tanakh) is honestly a gorgeous, humbling, magnificent, striking book, a true testament to the glory and goodness of God, which I have loved to read since childhood. This is a snapshot of why.
As children, it’s so easy to acknowledge our angels, to envision them at the foot of our beds. But how many of us, as adults, remember and realize that these heavenly guardians still watch over us so closely, so lovingly? Even now, grown up and struggling to sleep, there is a special angel sitting alongside us, their heart full of compassion. Let us thank them for their fidelity to God through us, and turn to them for aid so that we, too, may glorify God with them!
A Female Saint (Bridget of Sweden?) Holding a Crucifix and a Book unknown artist Wellcome Collection
I actually love that this dear saint is unidentified; whoever she is, she stands here humbly as a model of faith, seeking no recognition of self, but only proclaiming the love and honor due to God by her example… and so we modern Christian women can look to her here, and imagine ourselves in that same place.
If her name is unknown, what if it were ours? What would that feel like, to be the woman pictured here? What sort of blessed life, what trials and triumphs of faith, would we need to also live in order to truly inherit the title of Saint from our sister here?
If we can hold that ideal, that great hope, that very image in our hearts as we live our days, it shall certainly strengthen our devotion to God… and, with His guidance and blessing, we shall one day meet our anonymous sister here in heaven, saints among the saints.
Raphael, Madonna of the candelabra (detail), c.1513
He is the Light of the World; She is the candle that humbly brought His fire to us.
I love the delicacy of their halos, and the silent profundity of their eyes.
The most Holy Trinity.
I really love how they are all positioned within each other here; with that ineffable visual focus on the Father’s Heart uniting them all.
I love depictions of the Trinity in art. It always strikes me as so ineffably, mysteriously gorgeous– the humble but honorable human attempt to portray the unfathomable.
“Gaze upon him, consider him, contemplate him, as you desire to imitate him.” - Saint Clare of Assisi Sacred Icon of Christ Pantocrator
It is honestly so important to literally gaze on Jesus. The culture of death all around us fills our eyes with corruption and sin on a terrifyingly constant basis. We MUST refocus our sight on Christ, to wash away and overpower the negativity and lies of the world, and to train our poor battered subconscious to anchor itself on contemplating God as well. Gaze on Jesus, and let His beauty of visage, soul, and message fill your heart and mind so totally that all else is brought under His gentle yet powerful rule. As you ardently do this, seeking and loving and contemplating Him, you will indeed inevitably become more and more like Him. “The things that we love tell us what we are.”
Jesus will never give up on us. We just need to remember to never give up on Him! No matter how hopelessly far from sainthood we may feel, if we earnestly keep praying and keep trying to humbly but ardently obey Him, He will bring us to success. I’m sure of it. No one is too sinful to be saved, if they honestly allow God to rule in their lives more and more. Jesus can and will make us His saints. Don’t give up on Jesus!
Seriously, ASK YOURSELF these questions– daily, even. Be brutally honest. Wherever you are convicted by the Spirit– and He will never sugarcoat the truth– CONFESS AND REPENT! Pray for mercy and the grace to reform your life. The fate of your soul depends on it!
National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, Washington, United States of America Photo by Mateus Campos Felipe on Unsplash
I visited this shrine twice in high school and it was immediately, indelibly impressed into my heart. It is achingly gorgeous; the sanctity is practically tangible. It is truly a place of God.
I miss it profoundly and plan to return as soon as God grants me the means. I’d honestly live there if it were possible.
We were just discussing this at church today, especially in light of Fatima and recent divine revelations in general.
We NEED to return to tradition, focusing strongly on continually strengthening and restoring virtues such as devotion, solemnity, humility, contrition, fear of God, and justice to our faith– showing it in our places of worship as well as within our parish communities.
The bright side of this constant concern: it keeps you focused on growing in God! Just don’t become obsessive. If nothing else, every inconvenience is an opportunity to practice patience, love, humility, gratitude, etc. And that is sufficient.
I literally started crying upon seeing this. Oh my heart. The beauty is staggering, the sanctity virtually tangible… this captures the exact numinous grandeur that I adore in places of worship. God deserves all the glory and gorgeousness we can offer Him in His holy houses, honestly.
The flower petals are so gorgeous, all red amidst the gold and white, the light and incense smoke. And that monstrance, the literal heart of it all, more beautiful than the temporal glory all around… how blessed we are to have our faith!!
Hey, I’ve been there!! This alterpiece is from the chapel in the motherhouse of the Franciscan Sisters T. O. R. of the Penance of the Sorrowful Mother in Toronto, OH. They’re a beautiful community.
That fact adds an even deeper meaning to the presence of Our Lady at the foot of the cross here; thank you for sharing!
From their website:
“Founded at Franciscan University in 1988, we, the Franciscan Sisters T.O.R. of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother, are a Franciscan religious community rooted in Christ Crucified, animated by the Holy Spirit, and modeled after Mary, our Mother. Our life flows from the Eucharist, the wellspring of love and mercy. Captured by the merciful love of Christ, the fulfillment and desire of every human heart, in whose light every other love pales, we cannot help but freely give our lives. We abandon all so that this impoverished world, unknowingly starving for His love, may be filled with knowledge of His merciful Heart, eternally beating and ferociously burning for every human person.”
I feel this beautiful description also beautifully demonstrates the quote above. These Sisters are indeed immersed in the Trinity, living their lives in constant remembrance and proclamation of God’s Love, and although they have completely given up all ties to this world, they have lost nothing, and indeed gained everything– for their joy, their wealth, their home, and even their very identity, are fulfilled in truth within that very Triune Love. May we, too, be so moved by that Love as to follow their humble example, and dedicate our lives– even outside of any formal vocation– entirely to God.
Lastly, I must confess that I am so deeply moved by that stained glass window above the Cross… the hands of God the Father, bestowing the Spirit upon us, which was only possible by the Son’s death (John 16:7)… hearkening back to Mary’s Fiat, her “Thy Will Be Done” echoing her Son’s, her “beginning” echoing this “ending”… her heart pierced with Our Lord’s just as Simeon foretold. God sent out His Spirit upon her then, as Jesus entered the world, and now as He leaves it, we remember that same hope, and look forward to Pentecost. It’s all just this deeply beautiful feeling in my heart, seeing that, those numinous hands and that sacred dove, that fire of incomprehensible Love. Indeed, one cannot help but be immersed in it.
Images of the Most Holy Trinity always move my heart like an earthquake. Yes, we cannot really “see” God, in any of His Persons, but… this is our reverent attempt to at least invoke honor and devoted love towards that Great Mystery, and boy, does it ever succeed! I want to fall, speechless and trembling with fearful joy, to my knees. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages, Amen!!
This– the Infant Jesus appearing to Saint Anthony of Padua– is gorgeously portrayed. Look at how lovingly Mary gives the Child to him– at the mandorla surrounding both Her and Christ, showing how this sacred moment transcends space and time! Look at the lilies, for Anthony’s humble devotion and Mary’s purity, at the putti, for God’s Presence with Our Lady, at the candle, for the light of Truth in God’s Word, and at that very Word present in not only the holy Bible open before the Saint– as open as His heart– but also in the Incarnate Word to whom he lifts up his heart and hands to receive!
Statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus in procession; Nervion, Seville, Spain
I really love how Jesus’s robe is open here, exposing his Sacred Heart quite literally. So many statues of our Lord just superimpose it onto His garment. But this, this vulnerability, this openness and tender power, is so striking, and– if I may be so bold– so true to our Lord’s character. Paired with His expression, we see not only his exquisite pain, but his equally vast mercy and love. Nothing is hidden from those who seek Him, who honor His Most Sacred Wounded Heart.
The tenderness and agony both in this painting are stunning. And that red, stretched out behind them, that funereal black sky… this captures the feeling of that Friday so clearly. Good, true, for we all know what it accomplished, but oh, how terribly it did so!
willow-s-linda: I wanted to draw something for Pentecost. Interestingly, it seems to be an exclusively European holiday? Still, it’s one of my favourite parts about the New Testament. It makes me remember how close and powerful God is, not only to the apostles, but also in this life, today, to me.
It’s a big deal indeed for Christians in general– today is the birthday of our Church in the world, by the Grace of God!
This illustration is so deeply moving and beautiful, and portrays the message of today’s holy day with simple profundity. The miracle of Pentecost still occurs today, in the hearts of all the faithful who are open and waiting in hope to receive Him, just like the Apostles.
Our Lord Jesus indeed promised to be with us always, and Pentecost is the glorious, loving manifestation of its fulfillment through all ages. No matter when or where we are, God is with us!
Come, Holy Spirit, and so enlighten our hearts with your divine Love, that we may carry your compassion to all the world!
This is, truly, what it means and feels like to be a Christian. We have been called to such a great, glorious purpose for His sake, and through love of Him. Christianity is a religion of ardent devotion to the Lord God and Pentecost was the first earthly expression of that– the birthday of the Church!
Our Lady was the first human to be touched by the Holy Spirit, at the Annunciation, when it was first proclaimed that God was coming into the world in a new way… as the Second Person of the Trinity. It is only fitting that here, at Pentecost, when the Third Person is finally to arrive for the rest of faithful humanity, Mary would again be at the heart of it, the gateway of the Spirit’s divine Grace for her Son’s friends, the Father’s adopted children.
Oh I love this. The imagery of the Seraphim, bearing the Gifts, is especially striking– those angels are the closest of the Choirs to the Presence of God, and by His grace, through His Spirit, those Gifts are brought down into our hearts for His glory! What a miraculous, humbling privilege of faith! May we all pray for the openness, meekness, and trust of heart to receive those Gifts today.
Q. 428. How did the Holy Ghost come down upon the Apostles?
A. The Holy Ghost came down upon the Apostles in the form of tongues of fire.
Q. 429. What did the form of tongues of fire denote?
A. The form of tongues of fire denoted the sacred character and divine authority of the preaching and teaching of the Apostles, by whose words and fervor all men were to be converted to the love of God.
This is such a beautiful illustration for that world-changing event. What divine love, what wonder and awe, what works of power and grace! May we all respond like these blessed converts to the voice of the Holy Spirit in our lives– and may we, too, like the blessed Apostles, be His mouthpiece and kindling flames of love to others in such a wholly trusting, self-emptying, God-honoring way!
I am always so deeply moved by the realization that God became a Child.
I am also struck by not only the tenderness and purity of this image, but also the ultimate implications of Christ’s title as the Lamb of God. He is the ultimate sacrificial offering, blameless and spotless, the offering of Love that would have the power to truly expiate all the sins He brought to that altar of the Cross.
In this Child is our Crucified Lord, our Good Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep, and I daresay that profundity of love and power both is met in His Eyes here.
“Santa Veronica con il velo” by Mattia Preti
Oh, what aching beauty– her tears, her face; His face, His love!
This makes me think of the light within a confessional. It’s one of the most deeply, achingly comforting sights in the world.
All things were created Good; all things fell and were condemned to death. Both the falling and the rising of creation were wrought upon trees. Death is now a door. The fallen fruit now carries a fertile seed. There is a sunrise, there is a spring. There is hope.
“…If Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” (Romans 8:10-11)
I also am moved by the solitary portrayal of the three acts of salvation here. Judas’s betrayal, with the condemning crowd, is presented as a public event, as part of the world, as a work of this worlds people. But although Jesus was surrounded by the same people as he carried His Cross, and died upon it, and rose from the dead on the third day… here, the focus is on Him alone, pun intended. We see the two thieves also dying in the background, but even that speaks only to highlight the nature of what is occurring front and center– God delivering Himself up to death, so that we who are doomed to die like those thieves now have another way, The Way– that by crucifying our worldly selves in faith, uniting our symbolic death to His literal salvific one, we allow Jesus Christ to take our place in death– as He so willed for His faithful– and we can follow Him out of the grave… instead of being crucified for our sins and dying an ignominious deserved death. But, again, the focus is on Jesus. Not on us. This is the distilled, focused presentation of Salvation’s victory over the World.
Christ alone carries the burden of our sins, Christ alone dies for the just punishment of our sins… and Christ alone conquers death and opens the tomb free from our sins. And so He calls us to follow– not to do the same, not literally, as It Is Finished, and the glory is His alone… but in loving compassion and faith, imitating Him, carrying our crosses and dying to sin and being reborn In His Grace.
In short, the pinpoint focus on Christ here, the Light in the darkness, the Only Source of Salvation, speaks volumes as to what was done, and why, and by Whom. It’s all Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God!
I was just thinking about this looking outside at the turning leaves and breathing the chilly fresh air. It’s such a blessing to be alive, to experience God’s wonders and beauty in the world. His Goodness is tangible in all of it– in every special detail of every season.
So yes, the next time you enjoy your pumpkin spice coffee, thank the Good Lord for having created all three of those things! 😄 (I happen to be eating cucumbers like a total loon, making myself even colder. 😆 But I wait all year for this weather so you won’t hear me complaining! I joyfully thank God for the cold too.)
“Easter Pink Slip,” by Miriam Migliazzi & Mart Klein. To quote the source page, “When it comes to Easter, God is pretty much fired…”
This absolutely breaks my heart, and gives me serious pause as a Catholic. If the secular world really does feel this way– effectively “firing” God from His very masterpiece of salvation, the holiest holiday of the year, because “no one believes in [that] anymore”– then we Christians need to do everything we possibly can to defend His Kingdom, and proclaim His authority, and let Him remain the beloved boss of our lives, even if those around us are showing Him the door.
Anunciación. Faccini Pietro.
She’s holding the blue of divinity against her womb! What a striking detail.
St. Cecilia (The Angels Announcing her Coming Martyrdom), 1897, Gustave Moreau
Oh this strikes straight to my heart. Dear Patron Saint! Look at the serenity upon her face! Look at the splendor of the holy angels, bringing tidings of her holy sacrifice! Look at the light of the moon above, reflecting the light of the sun in the night, just as she reflects the light of God’s Love in this night of her life!
O Lord, for whom my spiritual sister gladly died, may I keep this image of her faith impressed upon my heart!
Dear Saint Cecilia is my Confirmation Saint, as music has been a sacred and integral part of my life since infancy, and one of my biggest talents from God.
This morning, I found my old violin when doing spring cleaning and, even just by tuning it, what joy it brought to my beloved grandmother!
Music is such a blessing from God. May we always use it for His glory and honor, whether we are performing, composing, or listening. May our hearts always sing in harmony with His, in all His Creation, for it and we are part of His Song. Saint Cecilia, pray for us!
The body of our Lord Jesus Christ at my church.
I weep with heartbroken agony and contrite gratitude every time I see Him here, every Good Friday.
He is there because of me. He is there because of all of us. The amount of love in this is incomprehensible, and yet, it speaks to our hearts in perfect understanding.
I immediately started sobbing. The look in His eyes…!
That is what true love looks like. That is true mercy, true joy, true hope… oh, what blessed wonder, to recognize every heartfelt need fulfilled in That Holy Face!
“Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
Jesus Walking on the Sea of Galilee, Paul Bril and Frederik van Valckenborch, 1590s
I am so moved by the composition of this. Here we have Galilee, and its fishermen, and its shepherds, the trees and clouds and cliffs… and right in the heart of it all, almost just another part of the scenery, we have the very Son of God, we have Peter’s faith and fear, we have a miracle and remembered thousands of years later. But notice how humble it is! Glory is framed by lesser glory, and yet none are diminished in beauty, all of it proclaiming the wonder of God. Jesus stands as a single pink figure, lit by contrasting blues, the wind and the waves, soft and gentle and powerful and terrible all at once– and Peter himself is the same hue as the grass, as the leaves, as the stones and the shoreline. Through color and movement, our eyes are ultimately led to the Son of God, and yet there is no force to it, no aggressive pointing-out. He simply walks on the water, amid everything else in the world, His humility and power both perfectly expressed.
Religious art is so gorgeous. Thank God for these blessed painters!
St. James Brought to Martyrdom - Giovanni Battista Piazzetta (1683-1754)
“According to a tradition, which, as we learn from Eusebius… was received from Clement of Alexandria… the accuser who led the Apostle to judgment, moved by his confession, became himself a Christian, and they were beheaded together.”
I swear you can feel the power of God’s grace in this; in James’s upturned face, in the look of wonder on his accuser’s own countenance, in how James himself seems pulled forwards, into some unseen light, seeking to serve his God more than to save his earthly life. May we all mercifully receive such grace of devotion.
There is so, so much aching terrible sorrowful beauty in both Christ and His Mother in their sacred sufferings. I think that alone speaks mysterious volumes of Truth to our hearts.
Mater Dolorosa
I literally gasped when I saw this. What unspeakable sorrow; what heartbreaking beauty!
That little altar gate adds such a numinous gravity.
There is such a quiet yet profound sanctity to this. The crucifix, the tabernacle… what divine glories wrapped in such humble yet beautiful appearance!
Wooden Chapel constructed with 61 Doug Fir logs, conceived by John Pawson in the Bavarian village of Unterliezheim.
A small path leads to the chapel’s entrance, located at the transitional point between woodland and open ground. The architecture is framed as the simplest of gestures. From certain perspectives its mass appears as a pile of logs stacked up to dry; from others the considered placement of the elements on a concrete plinth creates a more formal impression of a piece of sculpture emerging from the forest. The purposefully narrow entry maintains the sense of physical proximity encountered as one moves through the dense trees, adding visceral and visual theatre to the exhilarating experience of passing into an attenuated space over seven metres high and nearly nine metres long.
I have honestly dreamed of building a chapel like this in my woods. I could never match the absolute beauty of this, though.
It’s staggeringly intimate in its rawness, its simplicity, its solitude. There is a grandeur to its stark humility that truly reflects the soul of religion– an absolute unfettered focus on Christ, on the ineffable reality of the Cross, held deeply and indelibly in the secret places of our hearts… and the infinity of Him within such a small space.
I adore this. I would love to pray here one day.
I can attest to this! It's a scary feeling at first, but honestly, God deserves His due. The first thing I do now with my monthly check is give 10% directly to the Church and if I don't, it drives my conscience crazy. To spend that God-given money on myself first is abominable. It all came from God-- He can take it away just as fast. And it was given for His glory no matter how I use it specifically; whether it's bills or groceries or medicine or gifts, my financial choices must honor my Lord. This, too, can be difficult, but it's the only proper way, and the only option that brings peace and keeps me close to Christ.
Something else I need to emphasize: yes, God will provide for those who trust in Him, but His providence might not be in the way you expect. Even if He wills that you do go without much food for a while, or you can't afford your meds this week, there WILL be a God-given Good Reason for it all that you will be shown if you still trust in Him, actively. Again, I can attest to this. I have never gone without what I need when I put it in his hands. That time when I was starving? My church friends gave me plenty of food. That time I couldn't afford medicine? My family unexpectedly bought it for me. And I ever was to truly go without... there's a reason. Believe me. Another time I was forced to stop a medication because it was OTC and out of stock for weeks (they ultimately stopped carrying it). Turns out that med was badly exacerbating other symptoms, and my doctor told me to stop it anyway. I had no clue and was quite humbled. Another time I had to limit my diet for a while due to similar reasons. And again, later I discovered that those items had been aggravating my allergies-- something I only learned from doctors during that temporary shortage. I know these sound like silly examples but honestly I cannot understate how unfailingly faithful God has always been to me, a wretched sinner, when I flee to Him in terrified but trusting honesty. He is merciful. He also deserves all the honor and gratitude we can possibly give Him.
In short: tithe! God is the Source of all abundance-- so trust and honor Him as such! The power is in Him, not the money.
I struggle with this a lot, what with my mental illness. My sense of "is this wrong?" can be skewed by trauma, delusions, and compulsions, and mangled by fear & survival impulses. I want to do what is right, but the Bible doesn't list every possible quandary in the world... because ultimately moral discernment comes from the Holy Spirit, not logical obsession or terrified guessing. Seeking "signs" won't help when your mind is a mess.
In the end, Jesus is our truest friend, our greatest need, and our brightest joy. He is everything, and He is always there for us.
Life has been full of fear, misery, stress, and despair for me lately. But every time I step back from it all, even for a moment, and turn to Jesus… I find a peace, a hope, a love that infinitely surpasses every worry and pain of this life, and which sets my heart back towards heaven, where He is waiting for me at the end of it all. No matter what happens here, Jesus is the final destination. And that is the most beautiful reassurance I can ever imagine.
I needed to see this tonight. Thank you. ❤
“It may be objected: ‘Our Lord is enough for me. I have no need of her.’ But He needed her, whether we do or not.
And what is more important, Our Blessed Lord gave us His Mother as our Mother.”
God’s Incarnation is all about love shown through humility. The Creator of all did need a human woman, a mother, to both enter and live in this world among us… and He wanted to need her; God delighted in needing her to birth Him and raise Him and care for Him during His childhood. Christ, was fed and bathed and comforted and taught by this gracefully humble and loving woman. Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity, became utterly dependenton her for His own physical existence as a helpless baby boy. The sheer amount of surrendering love in that is incomprehensibly profound… and it’s at the very heart of this Christmas season.
Jesus needed Mary, and He loved to need her. To claim that we don’t need her is to completely miss the point. And that’s why Jesus gave her to us, just as the Father gave her to Him… as a mother, as someone we will always need, because we love her.
| c r o s s |
I draw closer, anticipating the familiar pang of loneliness and rejection. Yes his gaze is unwavering and he offers his Word as proof of his love for the meager, weak, and wounded (…) Gently and slowly, I am urged to leave the comfortable stillness of the hill and approach the knoll. I discover that which I am drawn to is not a shiny, idealistic, ornate symbol to kneel in front of and offer rote prayers. That which I ponder is knotted wood, jagged and splintering, a tool intended to ridicule and destroy and one on which he was willing to be lifted and hung. In this rawness is my answer: he does not flinch and does not flee. He gathers me in the shadow of his love and soothes the bruises and gashes my cross has delivered. He urges open clenched fists and assures me I am capable, loved, and worthy. For it is in the shadow of his cross on the knoll that he claims me || Jennifer Hubbard
Blessed Feast of the Triumph of the Cross ➕
“He has no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him… But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:2,5; NASB)
I think about this a lot, when I see crucifixes and other depictions of Our Lord that many may consider “ugly,” “poor,” or otherwise “nothing special.” It’s still Our Lord. When He was dying on the Cross, He looked incomparably worse than any artwork could portray Him, trust me… and that very awfulness of appearance, all blood and wounds and spittle and dust, is what accompanied the work of salvation. It was an integral part of it, in fact.
“That which I ponder is knotted wood, jagged and splintering, a tool intended to ridicule and destroy, and one on which he was willing to be lifted and hung. In this rawness is my answer: he does not flinch and does not flee.”
Let us never despise the ugliness of the Cross, physically or otherwise, for it has been transmuted into the greatest beauty, by the hidden yet ineffable glory of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
★PRINT STUFF! she needs basic refs!! ★ start bringing morpheus everywhere again and taking AUDIO NOTES on everything notable that day/ moment. we are losing so much infofrom work and from daily life because we're not recording it fast enough, and then dates+details get lost. that isn't good!
drawing= gave us markers. drew tree, house, person (no face!!) realized we were drawing SYMBOLS. inherently empty. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T "JUST DRAW"; subject needs a context/life in it? we cannot draw "a" person, or "a" house-- those are empty concepts! BUT we can draw a specific person or house, and the detail+effort jumps SIGNIFICANTLY as well because we are trying to portray a truth. BUT that very fact includes heavy responsibility of proper representation. this can be overwhelming, often terrifying. why we don't like drawing people; it's like a photo legend, you're "capturing a bit of their soul" in that and you CAN'T LIE. therefore the thought of making a mistake in representing them isn't just a "visual error," it's a LIE in the same way the young wizards books tell it and that is HUGE. is that true? either way, we need a way to manage that better so we CAN draw again.
julie fronted, talked a little. therapist let us then draw anything= we drew a shining heart, a pink lotus (julie drew), leaves/swirls, stars (lynne drew, having lots of fun)
talked about Spectrum. MOST CENTRALITES SPOKE UP. javier= surprised us that he came out; spoke a bit about red? barely fronted though; he's not comfy with talking outside yet so i'm just aware he was there, not what he said. i can still feel lingering pain in him over the reset of dec 2013? and how that damaged red. HELP HIM HEAL. lynne= all the orange talk. true to her description, she was very easy to talk to and very merry in her disposition; honestly of everyone upstairs she probably has the least trouble fronting on a dime and talking to TOTAL STRANGERS. most internal people don't even know how to front in social contexts, but lynne just comes right out smiling. josephina= trying to correctly describe yellow; mentioned how it is tied to the "screaming" feeling (not anger, JUST screaming, like a blind hell sound) and anxiety, BUT that it shouldn't be "defined" by that heavy negativity? said he was trying to emphasize the goodness of yellow-- sunlight, flowers, things like that. but said it was still a difficult process. nathaniel= describing green as a sort of "neutral" color in the system? notably, "not grayneutral;" said green was HORIZONTAL and gray was VERTICAL? in terms of their balancing feeling. green was like an expanse of grass; a safe and comforting and calm "baseline" for everything to rest upon/within? like that's green, that very feeling of "safe rest." leon= describing the vibe of the indigo realm, trying to put into similar words the feeling of that color in and of itself-- mentioned the fog and snow and quiet, and the dusky color, but said it was NOT negative or depressing or oppressive? said it was that sort of "before night" feeling, there's a life to it, even in that silence; indigo is about COMPREHENSION in the "inner sight" way? hard to verbalize. it's understanding something, not a "lightbulb moment" but more of a "getting the truth" in a more solid, permanent click. settling in. but the indigo vibe itself is all about being tuned into that discernment and openness of mind and such. also mentioned "indigo is SCALES" and touched his necklace. still not sure how that applies exactly? laurie= out for a short time; she has trouble just "chatting" and wasn't quite sure how to express herself so quickly. i know she was trying to describe the feeling of violet but it's so powerful, both in its nature and in what it means to her, she couldn't find the words. i remember mentions of it being "like a soldier" but with devotion/ dedication/ protection, how it was that sense of "giving your life for something" out of that same ardor and compassion? but violet is also independent in that it "evangelizes" or something??? in how violets will actively go out and help/ teach/ guide others without making themselves a teacher in the school-like sense; they're more like "voices in the desert?" i remember that concept being totally under-described, we don't have the ready vocabulary for it yet. but it's very important. julie= besides her drawing, i don't recall what she said? i know she was describing pink as being feminine and soft and pure and caring, but besides that general known info i don't know what else was disclosed. eros= made it very clear that cerise was "lustless sensuality" and that this was DEEPLY IMPORTANT to us, not just as a system/ as individuals inside, but also in how we interacted with the ENTIRE OUTSIDE WORLD. we do need to talk about this more, it's so important sherlock= no idea? he mentioned it was data and knowledge, and i think he revisited nathaniel's "balance" bit, but he didn't front for long. waldorf tried to talk but couldn't, kyanos peeked in and maybe said a few words? spine, infinitii, and jay DID NOT FRONT OR TALK.
we found it interesting that the colors we couldn't make with markers-- lime and aqua-- were the two colors that STILL had no Centralites assigned to them, and which still felt unstable. PLEASE GO INSIDE AND FIGURE THIS OUT ASAP.
wattson talked mainly this session?
"definitive person" concept for colors? i.e. "if a person perfectly embodied the attributes of this color, what would they be like?" lynne described orange! orange is warmth and ebullience and "the kind of person who lights up a room" and "could befriend everyone in a room full of strangers" etc. like our dad, but with an extra "gregarious" (key word!) warmth. interesting because orange isn't social for the sake of being social?? like oranges are perfectly fine being alone? they're just always a hearth. kind to animals and children, take care of houses, always smiling. "big guy" build vibe, like a gentle giant without the shyness. we NEED to type about this stuff more in depth, it's fascinating
BLACK is "safe" motherly because it is "SPACE"/ a concept field, NOT A PERSON!!! pink is NOT motherly, it's virginal?? too clear/pure. (white= "true masculinity?" NO ADULTS concept)
talked briefly about system levels, socials + context locks, faceless/nameless phenomenon, socials having no sense of self, SELF ONLY EXISTING IN A VACUUM???
going home= abusive; "it's an abusive place SO we abuse ourself there" HOLDING PATTERN (inescapable social mode??) we have NO addictions away from home? if we're on the road all day we don't even THINK about harming ourself, EVER. but automatically when we walk in the door, that automated addiction starts IMMEDIATELY. WE NEED TO REDEFINE THE CONTEXT OF THE HOUSE.
tied to symbol-drawing of house: therapist asked what it'd be like to live there, we said "you couldn't;" it was just a depiction. BUT, if you could, it would feel like a very anxious 'interim.'like you weren't supposed to live there. it was just a "standby place," someplace unfit for "living in." thought that was interesting.
talked about razor, the jewels, sylvain in brief.
COLORS!!!!❤
questions to ask ourself in the aftermath of mistakes/ missteps/ bad situations:
1. what did you do right? 2. what could you have improved? 3. what were you aware of? 4. what would you do differently? 5. what would you do the same?
confessed EVERYTHING. "joel" birthday?? (possible new body pseudonym, considering it instead of the old "jayce" bloodline as that seems perpetually fractured) new beginning feeling.
two weeks ago, may 25th, JUDE at the oblates (teal headvoice) feels "wrong" somehow, like his face doesn't match yet? too tied to body-core overlay, needs to break off from it. but legit anchor dust there that day was also allegedly JEWEL'S "first holy communion"????? so she fronted for it. that's HUGE.
josephina shadowing gold UNTIL the possibility of jmc introject holding it???? still lots of concern over yellow due to it being explicitly linked to childhood fear (esp. amusement parks and the NOISE associated with them, hence the "yellow= screaming" association)
"asteira" dp introject AQUA CENTRALITE possibility?? already showing signs of anchoring, possibly due to old lg*girls link roots being unexpectedly boosted by artistic focus on her w/ new shirt (also birthday cake)
"libris" q introject that still loves spinningcannon possible Lime holder??? fusion of him and selph in appearance, standalone entity that effectively existed BACK IN 2007 because it seems we loved that ideal in truth as we never knew q entirely as a person until later. and though we do love him as a friend he feels different from that original conception.
system finally, finally getting back into full time mode. main obstacle: the "animal nature" girl that kicks in as DEFAULT when none of us are conscious. effectively the tar? not sure. it's the voice that we fought as a child, through julie: "it's my body and I want to do what I want with it" that is a lie, the body is on loan from God, we want to treat it with love and care.
in love with everyone again, true love. want to be a good father to xenophon, absolutely. genesis back, says he NEEDS to stay with us in public because the bad voices kick him out as they don't like him chastising them.
laurie praying to mary today. feels disrespectful to look at details, but it pulls at my heart in a good way to know she did.
everyone saying night prayers today. easier to pray in third person, too. saw waldorf, nathaniel, leon, lynne, laurie, infinitii, kyanos specifically praying. kyanos prays like children in art; with hands folded up and eyes lifted. it's sweet.
every day, understanding/feeling more deeply prayers and things about our faith. tonight, really hit home when saying "o clement, o loving, o sweet virgin mary;" never quite registered the vibe of those praises, who she really is.
we are making progress. in God, we will always be making progress in virtue. but it's a fight, of light. we must stay conscious and stand fast. "be sober and alert," etc. (quote that, it's important.)
there's so much love and hope and joy and faith and determination and courage and devotion in the air tonight. that's a good sign, and it's a sign if I've ever felt one lately.
The morning was fantastic. Work consisted of scrubbing down the windows of a GTO with steel wool until they shone, and then Jewel was so tired she went and parked outside the grocery store and just sat there, half-sleeping, for an hour in the sun. The problems started when we finally went in to buy food; we knew what we needed, but apparently there were "blind obligatory buys" that paved the way to destruction later. Nevertheless that all went over Jewel's head; that shopping trip is all but lost to her memory. What she does recall is pulling the car into the driveway of the grandparent's old farmland-- which is still tragically unsettled legally-- getting out of the car, and running up the old fragmented driveway until it broke off into two wizened apple trees and a hill crest of sweet heavy hay-smelling grass. Then she flung herself down in it like in the movies and just smiled up at the stark blue sky and 70 degree warmth, arms behind her head, existing for nothing but that moment. It was bliss, it really was. None of us have ever done anything like that before-- heck, most of our downstairs-level people aren't capable of doing anything like that, let alone feeling like that-- so it was really memorable. She shared the memory, by default, so we can all look at it and take comfort and joy in it and smile. (Memories are automatically supposed to be public; we frown on privacy, because when someone in the System needs to hide something, it's for malevolent or unwholesome purposes.)
…
That binge-eater was out again, immediately upon walking in the door. It's the same one, and frankly I'm not even going to bother trying to name it because we all want it DEAD AND GONE, to be brutally blunt. She only comes out with people around, she dresses like a whore and prances around, she lives "for fun" and has NO thought for God at all and she NEEDS TO GO AWAY FOREVER.
She ate a whole bag of rice, a whole canister of raisins, half a jug of almond milk, half a cup of sugar, and a whole container of sriracha sauce, and then after gleefully pigging out on that bullshit, she noticed that the body was not happy. According to data, we were dizzy and lightheaded, shaking like a leaf in storm winds, and having some serious breathing trouble. So this girl reluctantly decided "well, time to vomit." God had other plans. He's tired of her bullshit too. Bit of backstory: the air up here gets very dry in the winter. Our hands crack, our lips crack, the whole shebang. On top of that, we've been very dehydrated due to fasting and purging, unfortunately, so that's making the cracking worse. Our hands are covered in split cuts and we wake up with sticky dry eyes and a bloody nose. Well, this alter was not aware of any of that, living only for her hedonistic shameful revelry and sin.
So when she tried to vomit up one of the hardest substances in the world to purge, panic starting to set in as the body got sick with her in it, she got one hell of a shock.
What happened: the stress and overload and strain on the body reopened a nosebleed. What she saw: the body felt like it was dying and when she vomited it all came out blood.
So there's a split-second traumatic memory snapshot of her hanging over the toilet in shock, our nose literally pouring out red and more of it streaming from her lips, and in the moment it took for her to assumedly stuff a tissue up our sinuses the only thought on her mind was "I'm dying." So of course she switched out and our indigo-hue Jess person came out to crush themselves in despair. BUT. Weirdly enough, miss binger didn't go away all the way, God knows why… so when someone started begging for mercy and forgiveness, SHE was emptily mouthing the words, not meaning them at all, wanting to go back to her sinful gluttony EVEN THEN.
So yeah. It was hell.
We ran to our room and wrote our second suicide note in ONE WEEKand then I know someone went out to hang clothes while sobbing and praying and feeling like it was all empty and not knowing who they were and meanwhile, meanwhile, there's the vaguest consciousness lingering in the background from US, and we're facing our biggest fear head-on: that of the body dying and us not being in it.
"When the body dies, who lives? Who survives? Whose actions and demeanor are we being judged for?"
All those unanswered horrible questions slammed into us full force and… God it was existentially terrifying.
I have no idea what happened from then until like… 6pm. There was another eating failure by the depressed girl and "we" ended up sobbing uncontrollably for like 40 minutes as a result of that triggering the grandmother's exasperated almost-rage of "I don’t know what to do with you," "I'm very upset with you," etc. and thattriggering our childhood superfear of "if she hates you, you're worthless, you DESERVE to die and suffer, so stop even trying to be good because it will NEVER WORK."
etc etc etc.
I'm not going to feed that ugly thought process any more. All we can do is starve these downstairs hackers, which they ARE and which we NEED to refer to them as even if they are working with different vices.
I have to run to therapy immediately; gotta print this first though. (I'll add more later.) See you.
So I just redecorated the workspace. It’s... the lights were one thing, I wanted those, and I moved the whole desk away from the wall so the space can breathe for once... but now, so can I. I feel safe in it now. I can actually get a creative spark in it now; it doesn’t feel cramped or shadowed or dull. But opening up the space is one thing. The other thing is what’s in it. ...I haven’t had any of that art up on my wall in 3 years. And that art is... terribly dear to my heart. Having it back up there means worlds to me. I feel alive now, seeing it, remembering who I am in light of it all, remembering the brightness that always was us. It’s a profound measure of hope and love and joy.
So yeah. I finally feel at home in my own room, and if that wasn’t great enough, it snowed like 12 inches outside so I’m basically in the best mood ever right now.
This comic is incredible on any given day, but this recent update just kicked me in the chest with personal relevance. I... I have experienced this, too many times over, with aching furious weeping real headvoices, over and over, and each time is a new sword to my heart. Don't you dare tell me I'm not real. ...I won't. Not anymore. Not after everything I've seen and felt and heard. I'll never say those blind words ever again. You are real. You are all real, so beautifully terribly real. Don't ever let me forget.
#normally this would go on the system blog but i want it on my main to force me to be openly honest with myself about this #really though this aches like hell #but that's a good sign #also i adore this woman's art style and aspire to emulate it one day
"prayer" and "lovers," two of my favorite works by my favorite artist. Their work in this style is surreal and strange, unexplained and imaginative, oddly delicate and innocent. It's my personal vibe in a nutshell and I adore it.
artandspirituality: In Islam it’s forbidden (perhaps more like impossible) to depict God by name or icon, so they just draw its essence directly, and make entire buildings in homage to the structure, beauty, and intricacy of God.
It's a visual koan, almost-- the mind is stunned to ecstatic silence from the overwhelming incomprehensibility of such a place. Yet even in its grandeur, it only captures the tiniest splinter of the essence of God, just a fragile formidable glimpse of something ineffable and sublime. And that is true representation of God as far as I am concerned, something that cuts through the muffled familiarity of icons and statues... it is something incredible and terrific and almost alien, a snapshot of that which is within all Creation, portrayed in the only way we mortal beings are capable of enduring and understanding. But it is truth enough.
I'm rambling. This just means a lot to me.
APRIL
This pulls at that quiet part of my heart that adores math but doesn’t quite know how to speak yet. There is this strange unsettling vastness to numbers that shakes me to my roots. It’s scary sometimes but I’m drawn to it like a moth. In any case this feels like the universe...and that last panel is a punch straight to the chest.
Also this feels SO much like the lower city rooms in headspace; the stuff deep down in the building underground... especially the red glow of that exit door.
I have so much to say about this and no words that work.
This is going on my main blog instead of my religious one for these reasons:
1. Joan of Arc is my personal “patron saint,” mostly because 2. everyone used to compare her to me as a child, and when I got older I learned that 3. she had some really unusually religious experiences too, like me, with a particular connection to St. Michael. So those alone merit a personal resonance with this painting. But... reason #4 is that, in this picture, she looks just like I did when I was about 19, during one of the most trying times of my life. That means something I can’t quite put into words.
Every year, at the Easter and Christmas vigils, I get this exact feeling. It’s a unique sort of quiet promise, a knowledge that in the morning there will be a fulfillment of the joy we are celebrating in these finals waiting hours... but not just yet, not yet. So I would stand on the sidewalk and look up at the stars and snow and church towers and I would just... be. Right in that moment, the last night before the brilliant dawn. It’s a hard feeling to put into words, but it is deep and real and it shines, and it’s the sort of thing that defines me personally.
The feeling this gives me is indescribable.
...It’s the feeling of long car trips to faraway places, really. Driving early in the morning or late at night always makes time dissolve for me. So does seeing those dark green road signs. There’s a strange liminal magic to car travel that I adore. It’s the same thing I get in airports. Cities also hold an odd sort of living moving magic, quiet but powerful, flowing under bridges and in summer shadows and up sparkling skyscraper windows... burning and cool and laughing and formidable all at once. Pairing those two things, cities and travel, gives me a feeling like a dream, like being alive in some sort of lucid wonder, and that is really something else.
My dream is to be both. I cannot create something without melting into it. If I am an artist, then I must become what is becoming through me, if you get what I’m saying. Effectively, music is etched into my bones and paint runs through my veins. No matter how much I may doubt it, I cannot deny the fact that, in one way or another, I AM an artist.
I can empathize with this far too well. It’s a big strange fear as an artist: that I have no real identity or worth aside from the work I create. In a way it’s really not a bad thing... but some days it’s an awful sort of existential ache, because I don’t want to just be a channel for art-- I want to BE art. I want to be just as colorful and inspiring and magical as what I can make with my hands... and on the bad days I’m afraid that’s just not possible. But I will never lose hope.
Sorry for rambling, but this is important to me.
This is the sort of imagery that makes me really existential and really peaceful all at once. Technology from the 80s especially tends to do that to me; it feels like this clumsy excited grasping of the staticky ichor of the universe-- the building blocks of structure, the impossibly simple language of infinite complexity. It’s all vivid color shocks, contained in geometry and grids, stark against sheer blackness. It’s so childlike at times, even in its surreality. But it’s because there’s something genuine trying to be communicated through it, and anything less simple would only distract, detract. To me, it’s like... if space tried to talk to us. I feel this is what it would turn out like. Something untranslatable, unbearably rich with the unknown, and the only way it can possibly be expressed, is like this. Color and math and black expanse. It’s the minimum, and it’s the maximum. Modern technology feels too personal to me, to capture this? Oddly, in becoming more streamlined, more elegant, almost more “organic” in its fluidity, it has lost this sort of raw alien honesty. Down to the bones it’s still circuitboards and code, and I love seeing that hidden even in the prettiest new gadget... but even moreso, I love when this sort of old-but-newborn language breaks through the glamour, reminding us of just what we’re playing with. It’s why I love glitch art and music. It’s a break in the matrix, a sudden jolt through the comfy predictability and softness we tend to get complacent in. There’s a somewhat disturbing incomprehensibility to it, but... it’s the same feeling I get in churches sometimes. Out there, in here, echoed in every atom, something is grander, something is stranger. And I think that says a lot too.
I could write for hours on this topic. It’s oddly dear to me.
JUNE
cparris: "I had never heard of Denis before making this, and once I found out about him I couldn’t resist. He was a Bishop of Paris and was martyred by decapitation. He then picked up his head and walked six miles while preaching a sermon. Some artists have depicted him with the halo behind his head even when it’s in his arms, but I just loved the idea of an empty halo too much!"
#symbolic imagery #laurie #jay #gorgeously painful #i adore this #both the art and the story behind the saint
"your [characters] are like geodes. if you want to see what they're really made of,you must break them."
#gemstones in general are tied to the system #it's surprisingly subtle as gems are hugely significant in the leagueworlds #but in any case this post feels very applicable to us as of late #with no small share of warning #many of us have not 'broken' yet and those people are all being pushed to #so here's some hope as to the outcome
#we have a problem where our 'happy people' always come out in therapy #and always end up saying this #even if a drastically suicidal alter was out five minutes prior #and there is blood all over our arms #that happy dude is going to insist that everything is sunshine and rainbows #because to them it really is #so this is both a good thing and a bad thing
This happens frequently when our trauma-related stress level gets too high– everyone gets forcibly “switched out” to leave the body empty and numb, and this is exactly what it feels like.
+When you’re trying to make a decision, but your alters keep arguing/talking so loud that you can’t think straight:
#floating voices #every time we go out in public this happens #this is also why we hate going shopping
#i adore this #the damaged ones #healing work #this is heartbreaking and hopeful all at once
#water has always been this constant background presence in headspace #but its significance is ASTRONOMICAL #this image looks like it would be foreboding but it doesnt feel that way at all #which is very interesting #reset attempts #hope #strangest set of tags i've ever put in succession
caitlynkurilich: Penance, Labyrinth, andArray, Graphite & Digital Media, 2012. "Hey, would you look at that! Here are some illustrations on the relation between torture and the old Catholic Church that I possibly completely forgot about."
Torture and religion have become almost inextricably bound in our subconscious (thanks to an unhealthy upbringing) and that is deeply damaging. The first image is terribly applicable to what we feel like fairly often; penance and contrition are driven by the “holiest motivations” but they always end in someone bleeding… and convinced that that is the holiest result. The second image sums up our current state in healing all this stuff. The third image is the Retributors in a nutshell.
#tar #symbolic imagery #the sink #strange as it seems that damn bathroom sink is one of the most traumatic places in our house #it has held far too much blood and fear and panic #and yet is is also where we found xenophon #the entity that somehow defied all the odds and offered healing and forgiveness to that same location #considering her 'mother' was the first black slot holder this is interesting #it means it can be read as good or bad depending on what SIDE of the black energy you are sticking your head into #the traumatic destructive side #or the healing creative side #take your pick #also i just realized that sinks are also tied to WATER #which adds even more significance to this #hmm
#rorschach #gif #relevant #retributors #protectors #there's still an oddly fierce affection for this guy #or at least the concept of him #which is kind of how the old outspacer anchor thing works #seriously though this is a VERY important message #outspacers
#this is bizarre but interesting #white #brown #plague rooms #water #hmm #spine look
The manner in which this is painted is just as personally resonant as the image itself.
#this captures a certain feeling perfectly and there are no words for it #it's when you endure something painful and awful but it brings everyone inside together #and at the end this is the feeling you get #at 2am with a whole crowd talking in your heart #and you love every single one of them #and that makes you want to try once more #to survive the night and wake up in the morning #no matter how unwound your head feels at the moment #it's the sort of hope you can only feel when your heart is broken wide open
sbosma: "Space Paladin and limited color version for the woman warriors zine Abby, Julia, and Roxie are putting together for MoCCA..."
#art #resonant imagery #swords #hosts #cores #ohhh wow this is scary #reset attempts #this is what happens after the worst hacks #the red-level kids are hurt and terrified #while those in the b/w slots get corrupted by the tar/plague influence #and typically the white kids decide that the best option is to just annihilate the red levels #because that's where the problem is coming from right? #except its not #the real problem is IN that very b/w thinking that causes such coldhearted violence #the ones who have bled and suffered dont need to die #they are the victims not the perpetrators #even if the line may seem blurred to some #they need to be helped and healed #but good luck trying to convince the calcified kid with a sword of that #he just wants it all to stop forever and to him this looks like the quickest option #in a nutshell: if you're black or white then for god's sake don't turn your back on your fellow colors #or this will happen #red #white #black #plague #tar
#symbolic imagery #hosts #this cuts straight to the heart #the fact that the single hand he's holding is armored is especially relevant to us #and the hat over his eyes makes me think of jay's apprenticeship
#insects #ants #flowers #tobiko #insects in our system have a very subtle role but they feel very significant #tobiko is one of our most quietly damaged alters as she exists only to purge pain #the vibe of this is that of a peace offering and a hope of brighter possibilities #i dont know what color the ants are but they feel red or brown #either way i really like the feeling of this picture
#geez this is literally jacinth in art form #colors and all #cel look #i'm sorry i know it hurts but just remember this okay #you taught us a lot with this #you redeemed like three solid years of hell with this #im so sorry it happened like it did #but thank you #for being the conscience she didnt want to have
#i really do like this #it hurts but its true #coming to terms with the fact that we basically are -insane- in many peoples eyes is terribly jarring and rather frightening at times #but. #inside we are so bright it's incomprehensible #and if the price of that is being seen as crazy then we're just going to have to cope with that #relevant
#seriously though this is exploding with relevance (halo, b/w split, white hair, red eyes, laurel crown, zeros, butterfly-esque cravat, sharp teeth outlines, teardrop... you get the idea)
guess who just got back from 2 hours of singing at midnight mass? THIS guy and I’m exhausted*immediately collapses into bed* Life is gorgeous though and I’m really happy right now. I love this holiday. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE ♥
so it's christmas today! things were a little hectic but nothing can ruin this holiday, not even 70° weather.
we went to our dad's apartment for about 80 minutes which was really nice. at one point we were talking about salt mineswhich are apparently MASSIVE and dad said he'd ask our one buddy at the garage to tell me more about them on monday; he'd drive to one in new york pretty often (he's a trucker) and he said the place was mind-blowingly huge. but yeah, instant headspace-related interest there, i need to look into that more.
dad made this little church entirely from wood and brass and other trinkets he had lying around and it's lovely:
i got to sand it down during work one day, that was fun. but yeah dad is an incredible carpenter, as well as a painter. i admire him so much really. (we built a really nice bookcase at work this past week, you should see that)
then we went home to open presents. I remembered to take pictures of our glorious pink tree:
it's very hard to take photos of because it's so pink, but it's so nice to sit next to. it's a very warm/soft color of light.
knife came out for a minute while we were opening gifts, totally unexpectedly, and just stared at the tree with total awestruck wondering joy. it was the sweetest thing.
there's at least one photo that caught jay, because it was taken without us knowing. jay can't "pose" for pictures as he's not a social and he will get kicked out immediately upon eye contact, especially in a "performance" situation. but he was fighting to be the main fronter as much as possible today because he's safe and not manic and actually pays attention. so memory is spotty but the effort paid off, we actually feel like christmas happened which is good.
and now for the tradition of traditions: the annual gift list!
things we got for christmas this year:
- four boxes of tea (mint, lemon ginger, lemon zinger, bengal spice) - coconut vinegar, coconut water, & coconut oil - apple cider vinegar & lemon juice - tons of spices: curry powder, turmeric, cinnamon, cloves, 5 spice powder, garlic powder, & cayenne - 6 bars of soap & 2 tubes of toothpaste - two really awesome monochromatic shirts - three neon colored shirts to paint - one teal shirt that reminds me of infi for some reason - two really dope pairs of leggings - slippers for when I'm standing at my computer (like now) - a wegmans gift card of an unspecified amount (mom forgot to tell us, haha) - dvds of inside out, epic, the theory of everything, the book thief, shutter island (finally), dragonheart3 (???!!!!!)and at long last, how to train your dragon. - a tiny bottle of PEPPERMINT OIL which is our favorite scent EVER so we're super glad. - 5 packs of nori seaweed sheets. it's the best. - a whole basket full of garden-grown acorn squash and kale. hey, mom knows what we can eat. - ROCK BAND 4. YES. now we just need to figure out how to use the boys' xbox one, haha.
here's a photo of the living room because i usually never take one but it's the defining picture of christmas morning for us personally (that and kenny g's holiday albums playing in the background):
unfortunate things that happened today:
- our infamous kitchen-abuse alter decided to eat chocolate and christmas cookies and we got so sick it's not even funny. honestly the body is a mess right now. we'll feel better in the morning. - some serious yelling from the grandfather. he's very scary when he's mad and he hasn't been mad in months so that made us totally freeze & shut down.
the best things that happened today:
- everyone loved the presents we got for them, as small as they were, which made me so happy. I couldn't afford much but I tried and it was sincerely appreciated, so that's wonderful. we got lightning a box of dark chocolate (the kid likes his snacks), got diamond a little plush seal (and his eyes lit up when he saw it; he used to collect seals as he loved them and i'm so happy he still does), gave both those two $20 as theyre hard to buy for... and then dropped $50 for viral and got him thesetwo books. he was psyched. he's wanted those for years but could never find them in stock. so i got lucky! i also gave him a card with a picture of god tier jade in it (he's basically 'kin' with/of jade, for lack of a better term) which he also loved. and we got mom $10 worth of super fancy chocolates and she was SO happy about that; man that made me all fuzzy inside. so it was great. - we used $50 of our christmas cash to get a copy of pokemon omega ruby. we ALL decided this was a good investment because not only are pkmn games full of wonder and joy, it's tied to the lost years and so maybe this will help us reach that time period to heal stuff. not only that, but the best christmas of our life-- 2013-- was hallmarked by playing pokemon y as we listened to our ipod and walked around the christmas tree all evening. we don't even remember last christmas, and since this one has been bogglingly jumbled so far, we figured having a new pokemon game would brighten things up a little. so god willing the brother will let us chill in there for a bit, as we revisit that world. frankly we're all very excited; although we don't recall the high school period well at all, the ONE thing about it that was marked as an indelible positive thing was pokemon ruby. we used to sneak our gba onto the bus and to class, and play it in secret when we got the chance. we don't recall the gameplay BUT we've visited the cartridge since then, because we lived in the area surrounding lilycove (our secret base was right by mt. pyre and rt. 120) and the absolute gorgeous beauty of that place is seared into our memory, even if nothing else is. so yeah, this is jewel's game, and we're all looking forward to this new adventure in that old beloved world. oh yeah. forgot to mention, we actually bought the game on wednesday, so we could get a certain special someone on our file. it was 100% worth it. - we used another $50 of our cash rather unexpectedly, because last night we logged into our ancient email to reset a password and what do you know, there was an email from a book website we haven't visited since at least 2012… one which was meant to browse online sites to find rare books for sale. well, ages ago, we set up our account for it to notify us if it found a copy of a certain super-obscure comic, one we've been hunting down for about 5 years and which has been out of print for at least 10. and guess what? they found a copy. for 50 DOLLARS. the average price for this is $200. the absolute luck of the situation was so sudden I could not pass up the opportunity, so we immediately bought it and it'll be here for the new year. I'll show you when it gets here. - our brother made us a simple handmade christmas card, but it's the BEST THING EVER. IT HAS SANS ON IT. WEARING A SANTA HAT. AND MAKING FANTASTIC PUNS. needless to say I LOVE it and every time I look at it I just grin, it's fantastic. so that made my day more than anything else. my bro has the best art style too, sans looks so cool in it; I'll have to scan it in and show you tomorrow.
there was a ring around the moon last night, it was beautiful.
also last night we were playing pokemon-amie on Y with our event legendaries and I love them so much, they're adorable, and hoopa is the CUTEST THING EVER. gosh I want to smooch his little face, he's precious. I love him. I also forgot how much I love the rest of my team. zedrick, saltaire, toshi… I completely forgot what it was like to play that game, which is sad, but we still have strong memories of it which is odd in the face of that. nevertheless, jewel has omega ruby now and she's better at playing games than me so I can't wait to watch her have fun doing that. I want to see who she builds as her team, that's always the best part of the game.
we already sold two things on ebay, yes!! that's $80 towards debt payoff, and we're putting our last christmas $50 towards that too so we're at $130 already. nice. we’re not spending a cent of what we earn on ebay for ourselves, because this three-year debt keeps crawling on our back and we want it GONE because it's not fair to make people wait that long. it'll be a huge relief when it's finally settled.
(later)
I'm so sick, I want to cry.
the brother keeps switching horribly quickly between "nice mode" and "ranting to thin air" mode and when he does the latter he tends to slam doors and accuse people and it scares us down to the guts.
we're so so so so sick we want to sob. our head hurts and our mouth tastes like adrenaline and we're dizzy and nauseous. I wonder if exercise would help. we haven't exercised in weeks because we've been weak and cold and just don't feel well. I wonder if the porch is warm enough. we'll go try.
…
(2am)
so we just grapped our mp3 player and went out on the stationary bike for 35 minutes. IT HELPED A LOT. the air is such a nice temperature tonight (it's chill but not cold, so to speak) and it smells wonderful. plus there's a full moon and the nicest gauze of clouds moving above, so all around the moon there's a slightly iridescent shine of red and yellow and blue, it's beautiful.
then we downed two entire mugs of mint tea, haha. so life is good.
did you know rod stewart has a christmas album? (really, rod stewart. really. < /injoke >) it's lovely actually. I really, really like his voice. listen, it's nice. (that performance makes me so happy by the way) plus he's an endearingly pretty man as far as my personal preferences are concerned so that's cool too.
oh, and I just went outside to look at the moon again and the clouds are gone but you can see the ring and I GOT A PICTURE.
when I went inside (after a few failed tries) the "good voices" told me to turn back around and try the dusk/dawn setting, so I did, and it worked! so that was wonderful, I thanked them for that.
anyway. it's 2am and we need to be up at 9 because we have some shopping to do before church.
I've realized that we've been so preoccupied with the stress of survival lately that we haven't been paying much attention to much else? Like at home, we're just trying to stay safe, and eat without getting awfully sick, and do work for the grandparents, etc. But the responsibilities pile up so fast, we're so tired. And it's been eating away at our personal goals and responsibilities, because by the time we can sit down (like 9pm) we're so frazzled that we end up dissociating, or handing over the reins to fronters who can operate in such an environment (they aren't internally productive at all and that's bad). Kyanos needs to help us meditate more often, solid, for longer amounts of time. We NEED to get back into the hour-long ones we used to do, they usually instigated massive internal chance and/or revelation and we desperately need a good boost right now. Something tells me Jay will be the one to pull that off first; what with Chaos 0 and all, he has indelible ties to the deepest essence of headspace, to the vast colorfulness of it that colors the best parts of the past 2 years, that none of us can ever really forget. But we want to live it that richly again, that actively. So we will.
TBAS mentioned it's the Solstice today and we totally forgot; for us personally that day has always been tied to Halcyon Days so it has a very different meaning than most would assign to it I suppose. For us the solstice brings feelings of kingfishers and oceans and the vastness of space and the life within it. The longest night of the year, the longest time of dark and quiet and birth and creation and infinite possibility, stretching up in a velvet blanket of icy stars and quiet. That's the solstice!
Guess who fronted fro about 60% of the day today? HOOPA. Talk about a rock solid anchor, holy light. He slips in and just clicks and he's already talking to Cel and Vixie and I'd say I'm surprised but I'm not, not at all. So it's his birthday today and it was Markus's yesterday and tomorrow is Jay's anniversary and then it's CHRISTMAS. HOORAY. But yeah Jewel insisted we make the trek to a McDonalds (there's one near our house??? on the highway??? we were ready to drive out of town but hey whoa) to get a legit game Hoopa on Y, and it's perfect because he has a Naïve nature and "is somewhat vain" which is EXACTLY what our innerspace Hoopa dude is like. I like him, he's sweet. He's also obsessed with this song and kept blasting it in the car with Cel, the both of them dancing. He has the most obvious grin, it's great. Like you know he's out with that look. Agh but I'm SO GLAD he's already like absolutely anchored in here as an Outspacer. I LOVE him, I love having all these Pokemon around so much.
We're strongly considering buying Omega Ruby but only if we have the funds, and if we can play it safely (i.e. no staggering fiction lag). We shall seeee.
We bought a bottle of melatonin gummy-pills again because even though we're exhausted we can't get tired lately, at all. Hence the staying up until 3. So we take one cherry coma squishy pill and then within 20 minutes we're actually yawning, which is something. Melatonin also helps dream recall a lot apparently, and Jay's been remembering them a little more recently anyway so HOPEFULLY we'll get back to the daily dream journal. When we don't remember our dreams we're a mess, our whole sense of reality gets thrown off. Maybe that's part of why we've felt so off lately? Probably.
Jay bought a new kind of toothpaste and it's delicious but it's wintergreen with neem and I keep laughing at that. Green with neeeeem. For your teeeeth!
The Snap-On Tools guy at work gave us pink socks as a gift. Yesss. They're fantastic. We also finally got one of those gray "Colors" shirts our dad always used to wear so we're now officially part of the painter's gang, haha.
Oh we found out, Jemma IS the one who keeps eating oats, she says they "taste the same color as her" and she's always so exhausted-tired (but not sad?) all the time, she goes to them for comfort food. Chocoloco keeps her under control, he's very compassionate with her.
-- But there's an alter (the one who was just writing?) who steps in and always eats them instead of her, although it would be more accurate to say she just ruins the food and chomps it up to throw it out. She claims she "works for The Destroyer" and she feels like Ruby and/or Hoseki, age 14-15, close enough to mania to be a slip-hacker if they aren't careful. However today she did speak to Jemma and Chocoloco, explaining herself and letting them do the same, so hopefully they will reach a cooperative, respectful, healthy agreement that will not harm the body but which will also fulfill their individual needs. That issue of "pursuing concepts" in the physical is still a major concern. It could theoretically be completely, easily healed with more frequent indepth access to headspace, hence the meditation topic previously. It would be in our best interests to try.
It's so foggy out tonight, it's magical. It's TOO WARM though. Jay wants it to snow and it hasn't snowed and he said he's going to be the snow and that's great but PUT SOME OUTSIDE PLEASE OKAY THANKS.
Now the body is falling asleep standing up and Laurie is glaring at me because I get too manic and nonchalant or whatever and she says there are important things to do. I guess I don't pay attention, I'm just too excited and hyper and she says nighttime is not the time for that! So off I go, bye~~~
(left uncensored because this was a terrifying experience in realtime and deserves the brutal honesty)
undertale take 8
third time fighting asgore. apparently you HAVE to fight him. i bought more glamburgers, i should be cool now.
i got so scared i thought he was going to die but no, thank god.
"...i would destroy humanity, and let monsters rule the surface, in peace. soon, the people's hopes returned."
"truthfully... i do not want power. i do not want to hurt anyone. i just wanted everyone to have hope..."
...
god i just no
NO
WHY
the screen disappeared and i what
WHY
i can't, no, no,
FUCK THIS
I CANT HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW.
now the brother even walked in and the fuckking MANIC FRONTER is trying to make FUCKIN JOKES ABOUT FUCKING FLOWER SATAN
HE JUST FUCKING KILLED ASGORE HE KILLED MY DAD.
god damn you and now this fucking manic alter is going to treat this like a GAME???????
fuck off. you dont know what this means to me. you dont know what ANYTHING means to ANYOEN. to you everything is just a JOKE.
fuck off. go away. i need to fight him. i'm the only thing standing between him and everyone else. as long as i can keep trying i will keep trying. i dont know what else to do.
but dont you dare, dont you fucking DARE TREAT THIS LIKE SOME 'FUN GAME'
FUCK OFF.
i want to cry.
undyne. papyrus. mettaton. sans. alphys. toriel. asgore. all my friends.
he deleted my save file. he deleted my save file
how dare you how dareyou.
i'm going to fight him again.
"there's no such thing as happy endings. this is all thats left!"
leave me the hell alone you are ALL my worst fears rolled into one horrible thing you ate those souls you horrendous wretch,
what is he, what is he, he was a monster once wasn't he,
he said he hasn't had a soul in so long, where did it go, what the hell happened to him,
whatever he is now, he has no right to be doing this.
the other kids are helping me i wow
hope is alive. see? hope is alive. even in something as small as that. even if i still die. hope is alive.
..
SO CLOSE
WE WERE SO CLOSE,
lets not give up, EVER
oh god ithought we won,
he's taunting me,
"mommy! daddy! somebody help!"
god i
wait
wait did he,
is he projecting, WAIT,
"i'll kill everyone you love."
why.
i'm not going to kill you. you can't do shit against me now.
look at you. you're not getting those souls back. you'll never, ever get mine.
but look at you. what in the world drove you to this?
what are you? what were you?
mercy. always mercy. maybe i messed up along the way. maybe i wasn't as good a person as i could have been.
but picking up a knife will not help anyone.
and oh god my heart.
"why are you being... so nice to me?"
"i can't understand."
look at his face.
you poor thing.
SANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've never been so happy to see you buddy and that's saying something
"so, uh, if we're not giving up down here... don't give up wherever you are, okay? who knows how long it will take... but we will get out of here."
PAPYRUS!!! aw you sweetheart of course you can talk to me.
AAH HE'S CAPTAIN!!! dude i am SO PROUD OF YOU.
and hey, if anyone can find a way out, it's alphys. i hope she's doing well.
UNDYNE!!!!!!! Hey yourself, sis! aw man it's so good to hear from her again.
i... watched a playthrough last night, against her undying form, and i couldn't watch it all. i kind of ended up half-crying and wanting to reach through the screen so yeah. good to see you again babe.
you're a GYM TEACHER? that's awesome. and yes, that's what i just said!
... i miss him too, sis.
yes, you be there for alphys, i'm counting on you this time! and yes, yes they are.
"hey, where-ever you are... i hope it's better than here. it took a lot of sacrifice for you to get there... so, where-ever you are... you have to try to be happy, okay!? for our sakes! we'll feel better knowing our trouble was worth it. we're all with you! everyone is!" well THAT'S a pep talk if i ever heard one.
oh lord she's calling my mom
but she's busy. ah man. i hope she's... i hope she's doing okay.
hey guys say hi to mettaton for me, okay, wherever he is and however he's doing? tell him i am really really sorry about the fight damage, i didn't mean to hurt him, i was... i didnt know what to do. maybe that was stupid, i acted rashly. i... i didn't get any exp, sans, but i think maybe i lost sight of the true 'love' sometimes, a little bit. i think sometimes, i got a bit too distant. and... and that's not good.
ok buddy. you got it. i'll be back. i promise.
if i can get you out, i'll get you out.
bye guys.
.... hi, flowey.
i let you go because you deserve hope, too. that thing you became... what is in you to allow that? are you happy? that speaks otherwise. i want you to be happy, too.
"don't you realize that being nice... only makes you get hurt?" oh you poor thing. you're not responsible for the people that hurt you.
"but now, you'll probably never see them again."
...i still love them, flowey. even if i don't see them again i will never forget them and i will treasure my memories of them forever.
"not to mention how much they've been set back by you."
...i know.
it does hurt. like a knife in the heart.
"if you had just gone through without caring about anyone... you wouldn't have to feel bad now."
really. really, love? only because that 'feeling bad' would be buried just as deep as my caring. it's blindness. it's numbness. it's not the truth. it's not honest.
"if you really did everything the right way... why did things still end up like this?"
i dont know.
i should stop talking and just listen to him.
oh oh, there is a better ending, good,
"it seems like you could have been better friends." yes i KNOW, that was really bugging me.
"maybe she has the key to your happiness?" well if it has anything to do with mettaton, *snort* i'm SORRY. i had to. but really. i want her to be happy too. undyne said she was more reclusive... i want her to be happy.
that smile. god. i've seen that smile. that hesitant smile, the eyes that look tired and a little scared, but it's a real smile, julie used to smile like that. i cannot put into words the weight that is falling from my shoulders right now i told you there was hope.
you're a flower, dude, did you really expect anything different?
OH OH MY GOD FLOWEY THANK YOU
oh my lord i am so happy right now, thank you thank you thank you.
i am so sorry for getting so angry earlier. but now i can empathize. i was so hurt. i was so angry at you for taking everything away from everyone, or at least, trying to... i understand now. directly. viscerally. i understand.
i'll get that better ending, flower buddy. sorry if i ever hated you, or even came close to it. i'm so sorry.
a little mercy goes a long way.
... now off to see the little yellow lizard lady because i do care about her lots.
but DAD'S NOT DEAD YES i have to resist the urge to run in there and hug him because i can't be rash. i can't be shortsighted. he doesn't know. i don't think he knows. i don't want to take that chance.
back to the lab.
...this feels so strange. this feels like headspace, this walking through the castle, knowing what i was just through, the timeline i just rewound from, the potential future now being overwritten, quietly, delicately, purposefully...
i i just called papyrus and undyne again, at the door, and, i forgot this was that phone call.
"WHAT WILL YOU DO WITHOUT US?" "even without words, we'll be with you in spirit, ok!?"
don't mess it up.
i won't, love.
hold up, my phone is ringing. A NEW PHONE CALL.
and just like that, the timeline changed absolutely.
babe i am gonna hug the everloving fish out of you in about three minutes, so
oh my lord, i just stopped at napstablook's house and turned on the "ghostwave" mixtape and THEN i ran into woshua & aaron, and they were creeped outso bad by it. "these are winks of fear!!!!!! ;)" that was hilarious, i needed that.
"beware of the man who speaks in hands" WAIT A MINUTE. there's someone i KNOW i haven't run into in this game yet because they kept popping up in fanart, hmm. we shall see.
UNDYYYYNE!!! AND MY BRO PAPYRUSSSSS!! *snow tackles them both*
oh undyne. i thought i was going to get to hear some more sincere talk and then "HOTLAND SUUUUCKS!!!" darling i love you, you're fantastic.
smooches for you both, off i go to deliver this ~letter~
"after all the gross stuff i did, i don't really deserve to be forgiven." YES YOU DO BABE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I JUST FORGAVE listen it's okay. it's okay. you had your reasons, for what you did, mettaton told me, you told me more, i get it. i don't hold it against you at all. also darling that ain't my letter.
alphys. darling. my affection statistic is already pretty high mmkay also love you're thinking too much, chill out, you look lovely in that dress, BUT I DIDN'T WRITE THAT LETTER DEAR, (i'm laughing but still i dont want to make this awkward for her)
ahhhh all the items are already for undyne this is sweet.
oh GOOD she's over there let me just, push you gently in that direction,
HEYYYY nice jacket love, i like your boots.
pretend dates are totally cool love but GET WITH THE FISH LADY
"i'm the royal scientist, but... all i've ever done is hurt people." you didn't hurt me. honest. look at how you helped me through hotland!
"isn't it better this way? to live a lie where both people are happy... or a truth where neither of us are?" take the chance, alphys. that happiness wouldn't be honest either, it's founded on something with no roots. with the truth, you can always find happiness, so to speak. you're on solid ground.
"they say 'be yourself.' but i don't really like who 'myself' is. i'd rather just be whatever makes people like me."
ohhhh geez this hits too close to home. we still have alters whose function is that.
awwww my heart this is lovely and then CLASSIC UNDYNE oh my lord that made it so much better.
"What I like about you is that yuo're PASSIONATE! You're ANALYTICAL! It doesn't matter what it is! YOU CARE ABOUT IT!!
i love this skeleton
ahahaa i KNEW IT
and awww geez toughest question i've ever had to answer, haha. buuuut i just said dont lie, so. i am sorry babe but anime is not real. (at least not literally, haha. but you know what they say about the effects of things.)
and i wake up in the flowers suddenly. strange.
i want to apologize for any slight switchiness when i get 'excited' typing like that. i think jewel kind of bleeds into it. i'm not that exuberant, reds are naturally excitable and enthusiastic, whites are not. so. it's probably mostly still applicable to me? at least feeling-wise. expression-wise, not so much. i think it's... whoever gets the situation the most. like we both appreciate it, but in different ways. sometimes i can't 'touch' something that jewel can, and vice versa. but we work together. either way. there is definitely some blurring going on. but nothing severe, nothing bad. i'll clean that up. for now, the show must go on! (jewel) i have to continue onwards. (jay)
another phone call.
howdy! (jewel) hey, love. (jay) "if it isn't my good friend, who trusts me." that made both of us smile. well geez he was nervous about something. anyway off we go!
jay this is YOUR GAME, so GET PLAYING!!
...
"You guys... your support really means a lot to me. But... as difficult as it is to say this... You guys alone can't magically make my own problems go away. I want to be a better person. I don't want to be afraid anymore. And for that to happen, I have to be able to face my own mistakes. i'm going to start doing that now. i want to be clear. this isn't anyone else's problem but mine. but if you don't ever hear from me again..."
there's a crumpled note in the trash can. "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID." ...in light of alphys' letter, i... i'm not sure what thing is being referred to here, but my heart is wailing in response regardless. i know what i did, either way. and i have to face that too. i have to face the fact that, even if i didn't mean badly at the time, i made a mistake. it was a mistake. but i can learn. i can move on. i can do what alphys is doing. now let's go in that room.
METTATON'S ON THE TABLE UPSTAIRS sweetheart i am so sorry, i really am. please repair him quick, i want to see him well again.
...the 'bathroom' is an elevator?
oh. oh boy.
we just got downstairs. let me read this.
oh no. oh no. please please don't let my suspicions be correct
this is straight-up parnassus shit right here, oh wow
i'm going to write it ALL down for my own reference.
"I will create the power to free us all. I will unleash the power of the SOUL. The barrier is locked by SOUL power... Unfortunately, this power cannot be recreated artificially. SOUL power can only be derived from what was once living. So, to create more, we will have to use what we have now... the SOULs of monsters. But extracting a SOUL from a living monster would require incredible power... Besides being impractical, doing so would instantly destroy the SOUL's host. And, unlike the persistent SOULs of humans... the SOULs of most monsters disappear immediately upon death. If only I could make a monster's SOUL last... I've done it. Using the blueprints, I've extracted it from the human SOULs. I believe this is what gives their SOULs the strength to persist after death. The will to keep living... the resolve to change fate. Let's call this power... (oh here it comes) ...'Determination." "ASGORE asked everyone outside the city for monsters that had 'fallen down.' Their bodies came in today. They're still comatose... and soon, they'll all turn into dust. But what happens if I inject 'determination' into them? If their SOULs persist after they perish, then... freedom might be closer than we all thought."
wait did they physicalize determination??? they are literally injecting it into people???
oh my goodness this is really twisted. that's the only word i can think of that matches this feeling enough. tangled. terribly complicated. thorn bushes.
"things aren't going well. none of the bodies have turned into dust, so i can't get the SOULs. i told the families that i would give them the dust back for the funerals. people are starting to ask me what's happening. what do i do?"
...what the hell just came out of the sink.
"but nobody came" oh god.
i need a moment. i'm actually tearing up right now,
this place is creeping me out so bad. originally it was giving me steven universe forced-fusion vibes, those horrid things, but this feels worse, the very vibe of this place makes me want to shake and cry. but i have i have determination i have to keep going.
"nothing is happening. i dont know what to do. i'll just keep injecting everything with 'determination.' i want this to work. one of the bodies opened its eyes." "everyone that had fallen down...has woken up. they're all walking around and talking like nothing is wrong. i thought they were goners...?
what the hell is trying to touch me what is that this is giving me major yume nikki vibes ...and that was sweet.
i'm really wondering now. i'm really wondering.
i love this game.
...and there's a room full of flowers.
...backtracking entries.
"we'll need a vessel to wield the monster SOULs when the time comes. after all, a monster cannot absorb the SOULs of other monsters. just as a human cannot absorb a human SOUL... so then... what about something that's neither human nor monster?
oh my GOD
THAT'S WHAT THE BOATPERSON SAID
oh god no i know where this is going
i am seriously crying
"experiments on the vessel are a failure. it doesn't seem to be any different from the control cases. whatever. they're a hassle to work with anyway. the seeds just stick to you, and won't let go..."
reaper bird is horribly disturbing
"seems like this research was a dead end... but at least we got a happy ending out of it...? i sent the SOULs and the vessel back to ASGORE. and i called all of the families and told them everyone's alive. i'll send everyone back tomorrow."
remember what flowey said
entry 16 ...i knew it.
lemon bread just killed me i think that's a good time to stop for now.
this is seriously disturbing stuff guys i have to get up early for mass tomorrow, i need sleep. i forgot. i was going to sleep in. ah well.
tomorrow is thanksgiving and i do have so, so much to be thankful for and more on the way always.
welp time to finally beat undyne come hell or high water.
i still have the biggest squish-crush on her ever, i can't even lie
(i initially wasn't typing at all during this as i got so into this confrontation my hands were shaking but it was AWESOME.) (also. note to people watching me play video games... i get 100% anchored in and i start talking to the characters and i forget anyone else is watching or listening. so of course i ended up calling undyne "sweetheart" while trying to dodge her spears. it happens)
DUDE I HAD TO CHECK ONLINE HOW TO BEAT HER i ran out of health items and had 4hp left and she still wouldn't change her mind about not letting me spare her, and i'd never gotten so far before so i had to look. apparently that "if you're green you can't escape" bit was a hint, which i missed entirely. at least this is teaching me to be more clever about listening to the dialogue, there are things hidden like that.
so now we're running and PAPYRUS WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME NOW oh geez and he's asking if we can ALL hang out. man what bittersweet irony. i'd love to buddy but uh. we're having a bit of a situation right now. "I think you would make great pals!" yes bro I've been trying to tell her that for the PAST 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT
what a convenient water cooler. (just like that lamp!) the simple caring of that setup is really sweet though. especially after all that buildup-- undyne's been chasing you for this whole level, so to speak, and now she's fighting you tooth and nail and she's hellbent on killing you, but the instant she collapses do you run? do you hide? nope. really i feel like i am frisk while playing this. and as soon as she fell my own knee-jerk reaction was "oh dude is she okay, what do i do," and if i could have carried that entire water cooler over i would have. but me, and frisk by extension (sweetest kid ever btw), really just can't find it in our hearts to hate anyone. in the end we really just want to find a way to be friends, for everyone to make it out of the situation happy and safe. ...realizing i'm saying that about myself too, no matter how true it is, still makes me pause. i guess i don't like describing myself as anything. if i'm a good person then let my actions speak for me.
well i'm at at undyne's house now. (she has a piano, that is fantastic) papyrus is still the cutest thing. he's also surprisingly clever, even if he does it in a goofy way. i like that.
oh my lord as if i didn't already like undyne enough already now she's fiercely trying to BEFRIEND ME. this is adorable and hilarious. but i'm still sad-eyed here, because it's not genuine. (not yet anyway, i can hope.) she still sees me as standing in the way of everyone's hopes and dreams, and i admire/respect that devotion so much... but i can't talk in this game, how can i tell her i want that too, but there has to be a third option and now that i know of the prophecy well hey i want to BE that third option.
so yeah. let's be besties. fake it till you make it. i already like you, haha. the work's half done!
Oh, I forgot to tell you. Earlier I bought sushi, to get the full experience of this of course, and now I'm standing here at my laptop eating it while, on Undertale, I'm drinking tea and listening intently to Undyne talk about her personal history. LIFE IS NICE.
...She's really opening up here. It's... seconds ago she was still doing this revenge-ship thing, and now, she just... let that slip by the wayside. It was so easy for her to forget that she considered me an enemy, however temporarily, and trust me with this personal tale. That says a lotabout her, I think. God I love this lass, she's great.
And this dialogue is even worse, because again, it feels too much like Laurietalking aboutme.
"I don't know if... I can ever let Papyrus into the Royal Guard. Don't tell him I said that! He's just, well... I mean, it's not that he's weak. He's actually pretty freaking tough! It's just that... he's too innocent and nice! I mean, look, he was SUPPOSED to capture you, and he ended up being friends with you instead! I could never send him into battle! He'd get ripped into little smiling shreds."
Also the more I hear about Asgore the more I want to meet this guy, he sounds SO SWEET. The only issue is what Toriel said about him at the beginning-- how she said he was the one who was killing the humans. So all this conflicting information is highly intriguing and just as worrying. Either way. I want to meet this guy.
COOKING LESSON TIME I can't stop laughing,this is GENIUS. She's so hardcore about everything. (and she even picks me up by the hairoh geez) Jewel would love this. She's just as fiery as Undyne, they'd both be gleefully punching tomatoes.
...oh. and this post-fire dialogue just confirmed what i was just saying. "I can't force you to like me, human." (BABE YOU DON'T HAVE TO)
Ohhhh dude REMATCH. ...Her motivations for this struck me though. She couldn't defeat me, she set her own house on fire, she thinks she's failed at befriending me... so now we're fighting all-out because "It's the only way I can regain my lost pride!" As someone who doesn't think that way, that made me stop and wonder.
and here comes the straight-to-the-heart dialogue again, no brakes with this i swear.
"Even attacking at full force... you just can't muster any intent to hurt me, huh? ...I don't actually want to hurt you either."
"Now I know you aren't just some wimpy loser. You're a wimpy loser with a BIG HEART!"
"Eventually, some mean human will fall down here, and I'll take THEIR soul instead." "oh, and if you DO hurt Asgore... i'll take the human souls... cross the barrier... and beat the hell out of you!! that's what friends are for, right?"
hello headspace. oh. also. when undyne says i'll likely end up fighting asgore but he won't want to either, she says "talk to him." that made me think, again, of all the other "fated battles" i'm likely to hit in here, with all the headvoices who don't really want to fight but feel they have no choice, for some reason or another. talk to them. why in the world aren't we already talking to them, more often i mean? we know they're hurt and we know some ways out of that hurt, how to move past it, but far too often we don't start a conversation until something is triggered.i can't help but feel that's unfair to them. i just... i'm not sure how to reach them otherwise? like even if i just casually approached one of them, that ugly frightening stuff is goingto come up.
"now let's get the hell out of this flaming house!" undyne darling you have to meet laurie, the two of you are going to get along just as well as this incinerated structure behind us
aaaand alphys is CUTER THAN I EXPECTED THIS IS GREAT. really she's lovely. good gracious. i want to hug her.
and mettaton. BEST. i already like him tons and i haven't even gotten to face his other forms (?) yet. so i'm excited.
QUIZ SHOOOOW these questions are SOLID GOLD. (also heck yeah i'd smooch a ghost)
and of course i know alphys has a crush on undyne (me too love) but i had to check online to see what the other options were... and i really like what mettaton says if you pick "the human"=
"...And while you are completely wrong, you deserve some credit. I've seen her watch you on her computer screen. Smiling when you succeed. Shrieking when you fail. And always, always, whispering... "No! Wrong! You have to go that way!" In its own way, is this not love??"
that's so nice. i really really like that.
back to snowdin! did i mention i love that little orange horned dude by grillby's? he's so cute. so is that mousy girl next to him, with the massive scarf.
"to a human, monster food would be interesting. as soon as you eat it, it converts perfectly into energy." HELLO AGAIN DREAM WORLD!
and the shed puns. that was fantastic. i love the dynamic between undyne and papyrus, they complement each other so well.
Back to Hotland we go, to (eventually) fight everyone's favorite flamboyant homicidal game show robot. again! (I think part of why I like Mettaton is because he has my speech pattern cranked up to 11, haha.)
This place creeps me out-- not jut the music, but those glowing walls. they're disturbingly electronic, against all this raw rock and magma. It feels very ominous.
(this next bit was written by someone else and left here) Alphys's status update system is just as cute as she is. The contrast between her social 'awkwardness' (i can relate) and her more casual, open manner online... we're like that too. A lot of people are, it seems. Either way it makes me feel a lot of affection, to see that. ...And just as I type that, we get "I HATE USING THE PHONE I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS LMAO ^. ^" I always found that weird, how people bury their real feelings under humor and smiles. "I hate this," "I don't want to do this," but then she throws in an emote and a "laughing my ass off" bit. Why?
oh and the music just got super cool. this entire soundtrack is so good.
just got a save point, but before i quit i want to mention that I am SO PROUD of Alphys having the courage to make that phone call on my behalf! i think at one point, one of us hated making phone calls, because there's a dim feeling of "i can empathize" even if i personally can't, at least not much. i'm more nervous of "forced conversations"... which, now that i think of it, might be what alphys is afraid of too? usually when you make a phone call you're often socially expected to "fit the protocol," to ask certain questions and respond in certain ways... i can't do that, and alphys likely can't either. so NOW i get it. it's amazing how much stress could be avoided if people were more willing to be open with each other on these things. if i could tell alphys that there were no expectations on her to call or not to call, maybe that would help. i wish i could say that to a lot of people, and i wish i could say that about myselftoo. and there's the empathy. i suppose, in truth, i don't like using the phone either, because i don't like talking. i LISTEN. i'm only really capable of talking when i'm talking introspectively, or in brief interrogative response to someone else who's talking up a storm. me, personally, i cannot do "chats," i can't do two-way conversations because my function does not include that sort of self-presentation. does that make sense? i talk best here because i'm not talking, i'm writing, and if someone reads it, cool. i can't work with an audience, i'm supposed to be in the background, glowing. alphys seems more comfortable with her status updates and they're super cute so, if they do work well for her, i'm very happy she found a medium that she can use comfortably. geez i'm just wishing the best for her in everything, she's a real sweetheart. i hope she doesn't mind hanging out with me and undyne eventually because girl we're gonna do it, it's going to be boss. but no rush! she's dealing with a crush and it can take time to feel like you're able to be around that person one-on-one, for whatever reason. could be self-worth, could be feeling like you have to 'perform,' could be social stress, et cetera. we have memory data of that too, from multiple sources. for me it's "what's situationally appropriate here" because you all know how naively affectionate i naturally am and that's not always safe or smart right off the bat. but either way me and the lizard lady are both blushing fit to burn so yeah. take your time.
i am really, really, really dissociated today. i apologize if i sound out of character for this, the 'energy boost' is making me very uneasy in my stomach and it's not really me, at least not in expression. so i'm sorry. am i trying too hard? it feels like there's too much "personal" talk in here and it's leaning very much towards red, so there's probably someslippage and/or unconscious cofronting in here. for the record.
i need to recover from this, all this red is making me nauseous. no offense intended, just, it's tied to bad vibes and i'm starting to get pulled into past timeline mindsets and that's not safe. i need to recuperate. either way i still adore this game, can't wait to play it again tomorrow.
(starting new playthrough...) (we got to snowdin on our temp laptop but now have to restart on our fixed one.) (still using jay's name for the file.)
Is it worth mentioning that for some reason we've had a bizarre "phobia" of sunflowers develop over the past two years? It started with getting reactions to sunflower seeds, then was compounded by several outside sources, and now for some reason it's another unfortunate black mark on the Yellow color. it needs to have that fear "weeded out" of it but as of right now, flowey is not helping. i know his deal now. i didn't the first time and my naive immediate trust was shattered in the worst way.
(I am going to read WAY into everything because there is always something there if you look. It's a mirror.)(typing this stream of consciousness/ note style so dont mind if its messy please. this is mostly for our own reference)
"You're new to the UNDERGROUND, aren't you?" "You want some LOVE, don't you?"
The "DIE" scares me so badly every time. It's just like the hackers. that and their lies about love. no. leave me alone.
toriel is a SWEETHEART, shes so lovely. Reminds me a LOT of opal (from dream world) btw.
When she showed up though... after having played through this opening bit once... I started tearing up. If I had physically been there I would have run to her and hugged her and sobbed.
(Toriel passes through the ruins EVERY DAY to see if anyone has fallen down. That sort of devoted, kind practice really stood out to me.)
"I will guide you through the catacombs." And everything is pinkish. (knife would appreciate this greatly)
"Only the fearless may proceed. Brave ones, foolish ones. Both walk not the middle road."
puzzles= diversions AND doorkeys. i like that in and of itself. "you must solve them to move from room to room"= relevant to our inner space "please adjust yourself to the sight of them"= i like that she says this because it's relevant to us in that we ARE adjusting to the sight of "puzzles" everywhere that we need to solve
"to make progress here, you will need to trigger several switches" this hit me. psychologically, real progress DOES require "triggering several switches" in order to move on. here, the switches remove huge spikes in the path. trying to walk over them otherwise would kill you. is that relevant? even in a different way? we still have most of our emotions buried, but trying to walk over them is still lethal. and you know what, one thing i've realized is that when we ARE triggered and we DONT "stop" the process, it ends up being cathartic and revelatory. the hurt, angry, scared, lost alters all start to speak up, and tell us what's going on. they let us know WHY there's a switch in the wall-- because there is something ELSE tied to it, something that needs to be acknowledged as dangerous andremovedbefore we can really move on.
"stay on the path"
even underground, there are vines and water
"as a human living underground, monsters may attack you. you will need to be prepared for this" "while you are in a FIGHT, strike up a friendly conversation." isn't that the most relevant thing in the world for me?
"do you need ideas for conversation topics? well, i often start with a simple 'how do you do...' you could ask them about their favorite books... jokes can be useful for 'breaking the ice.'" i love this because, in headspace, THIS WORKS. when you start showing genuine PERSONAL INTEREST in a headvoice who otherwise wants to fight you, you will almost immediately find out their true colors. lost ones, damaged ones, confused ones, they ALL respond with sincere, if hesitant and frightened, listening. if you give them a chance they WILL give you a chance too, in time. the hackers don't, ever. they don't care. they laugh in your face if you try to talk with them.
every time i hear this bit of dialogue "ah, very good! you are very good." i have to stop. and i just... let that sink in a little.
one of my favorite things is when she says "take my hand for a moment" and walks you over the spikes. it's so cute. it makes me so happy.
oh, in light of the previous bit about puzzles and triggers, after that spike-walk she says "puzzles seem a little too dangerous for now." and i like that too, because we often DO jump into puzzles full of spikes without being totally sure what we're doing, and end up getting hurt. so having someone so kind take our hand and walk us through, in this game, makes me really happy. sometimes just that-- that little bit of genuine gentle care-- is enough to get through even the most deadly obstacle course.
on the first playthrough i remember how odd it was that she said she had a "difficult request" and it was, "i want you to walk to the end of this room by yourself. forgive me for this." then i put myself into the characters shoes and i felt it. walking alone, in the ruins, i felt potent determination-- how fitting-- but i felt it because i had trust. even though toriel had left temporarily, i trusted that she wouldnt lead me to harm in this request, however difficult it was. and besides, hadn't she shown me how to fend for myself well enough thus far? so, alone, i marched to the end of the room, fearless. and then i realized that that's how i am when i have to do something big without laurie. i am so used to always having someone to call on, someone watching over me, someone offering advice and admonitions. when i have to do something on my own, something i know i MUST do, that is exactly how i do it. with trust and determination.
"do not worry, i did not leave you. i was merely behind this pillar the whole time." that kind of melted my heart when i first heard it. i dont know why.
on my first playthrough, i remember how hard this hit me: "there was an important reason for this exercise... to test your independence." and... in light of all the lockout and numb periods we used to have all the time... that gave me pause. we don't getlockouts anymore?? not that i can remember at least, and that's notable. is this part of why? are we-- am i-- becoming better at being independent WITHOUT forgetting people?? it's definite food for thought.
ah the cell phone!! that made me smile because its EXACTLY what lynne did in headspace for us to reach each other better at a distance.
"if you ACT a certain way or FIGHT until you almost defeat them... they might not want to battle you anymore. if a monster does not want to fight you, please... use some MERCY, human." ...the first playthrough, i had fought a monster right before getting this message (although i did let it go safely). in light of that knee-jerk battling, so used to that being the 'default' in other games... this hit hard. this whole game hits hard.
toriel told me not to leave the room, but i moved on anyway. i risked disobeying in order to move forwards. and i DID feel guilty about it, moving forwards only because i knew there was more that i had to do here, in this game, in this story. i couldn't stand still, because in this situation, i had to move on by myself. now this can be a very foolhardy choice and we are guilty of "tempting fate" sometimes, taking on challenges we may not truly be ready for yet, but... again, here, it was not motivated by pride but by a desire to grow. the message here is really that stagnation, even if comfortable, is not good. rest is fine. refusing to move forwards is not.
i like how one of the puzzlesrequires that you fall into a hole in order to move forwards via a door you couldnt otherwise reach. it's a very bittersweet thing for me.
"aren't things easier when you just ask?" i love this because it's something we didnt experience much growing up. when we did ask, it was treated as an "inconvenience." but here, we asked this rock to move four times! and it didn't gripe, it did what we asked because it wanted to help us out and saw no harm in our request. most importantly, though, initially it had said "who said you could just push me around?" and i immediately apologized (even if only mentally), THEN I asked. and the rock said sure, for you i can. so it was good all around. i learned to be kinder and more considerate, and i also learned that others ARE willing to help when i do ask. that's such a kind mindset. i like that.
cheese for the mouse= not everything is available to you. Remember this irl. the cheese isn't an item for you!! Other people exist too and things are meant for THEM instead, sometimes. In light of that, ALWAYS ASK! Be respectful. i dont know how our "scavenger" mindset turned into "if no one has actively claimed it, it's mine." was that motivated by fear of loss, of lack? fear of not deserving anything but scraps and forgotten things, and so grabbing whatever we could find? that is something we need to sit and gently untangle all the way-- it's getting there-- so do so. humility and compassion are key.
yellow names= spare a monster. taking note because yellow is still a troubled color for us. "sparing is just saying you wont fight. maybe one day, you'll have to do it even if their name isn't yellow." relevant to internal wars/battles. this game is REALLY making me think because in the past, we would ultimately always fight. laurie's gut reaction is still to come out swinging an axe at an opponent's head. but for me... for me, i still want to befriend our enemies instead. but that's not always wise or even possible. so this is giving us a third option... mercy. don't fight, don't put fuel on that violent fire, but don't let them push you around either! spare them and spare yourself. again, this is another thing we need to sit down and discuss together. "how can we show mercy without fighting or running away?" ...we'll get to that too.
about not picking up too much stuff= "someday you might see something you really like. you will want to leave room in your pockets for that." writing that down as it made me think of the subconscious, how we often feel "obligated" to internalize every scrap of other people's actions and thoughts and things. and that is UNNECESSARY. we need to leave room in our head and heart to put things we like there, not things we just dragged along because we felt we had to, because that's (again) what we grew up with.
"the far door is not an exit. it simply marks a rotation in perspective." again, i like this because we can apply it to headspace. a LOT of the 'ways out' of situations we thought were final were NOT, they were just other ways of viewing the situation. so it's a good thing to keep in mind. just because something is a door does not mean it is a way out. it may just lead to another room.
"ahead of us lies the end of the ruins. a one-way exit to the rest of the underground. i am going to destroy it. no one will ever be able to leave again. now be a good child and go upstairs." this also struck me as applicable-- not just that last line, which hints at the original "innocence" we in central had, of being "good" because we didn't knowabout the "rest of the underground"-- but also because of the concept of no one being able to leave. toriel is destroying the exit to PROTECT you, however misguided that motive may be. and aren't our deepest-down people the most scared? they feel safe in those chthonic realms, in the tunnels beneath the city, they don't want to leave. some do-- wreckage and jeremiah mainly-- but even they are terrified of the "danger outside." i dont know. so muchof this feels relevant, i'm just having trouble putting it into words.
...let me write all this down and look at it later.
"every human that falls down here meets the same fate. i have seen it again and again. they come. they leave. they die." (that "falls down here" is an interesting thought; again, the deepest headvoices are the most damaged. when they go upstairs, or out into the open, they frequently get attacked again, and/or triggered so badly they can't cope)
"you naive child... if you leave the ruins... they... will kill you. i am only protecting you, do you understand?"
"you want to leave so badly? hmph... you are just like the others. there is only one solution to this. prove yourself... prove to me you are strong enough to survive."
...
the first time i fought her i didnt know how the battle system really worked we didn't think mercy was working, after so many tries we got scared, we started to fight instead, desperate, confused, and
she died.
i i didnt mean it, when i realized what i had done i was crushed, frantic, i didnt want this to happen,
her last words were "be good" and it it just destroyedme.
... when i tried again, i clicked "act" instead, and what came up was: "you think about telling toriel that you saw her die.”
i stopped and just stared at that for a while.
...
flowey knew. that was the most terrifying thing. “you murdered her, and then you felt bad,so you went back."
but he knew.
that was a shot to the heart if i ever heard one.
but the point was we could change things,WE can save the game now, NOT YOU, if someone dies we can GO BACK and make it different, i dont want anyone to die, but we messed up, i messed up, i didnt realize what i had done, she still died. even if she's alive now.
that's our biggest regret of life in a nutshell really
"i know you want to go home, but please, go upstairs now. i promise i will take good care of you here. i know we do not have much, but... we can have a good life here. why are you making this so difficult? please, go upstairs. .... ha ha.... pathetic, is it not? i cannot save even a single child. ...no, i understand. you would just be unhappy trapped down here. the ruins are very small once you get used to them. it would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this.my expectations... my loneliness... my fear... for you, my child... i will put them aside." (... all our kids live in the lower levels. if they ask how to leave... if they ask to integrated or be healed to the point of fading or fusing... could we put our pain aside, too? we'll have to. the ruins are very small. that pain, it's no life for a child.)
if you truly wish to leave the ruins, i will not stop you. however, once you leave... please do not come back. i hope you understand." then she hugs you and i tear up every single time at that.
and now we walk through the door and who's waiting for us in this heartache but that damned plant.
"in this world, its kill or be killed. so you were able to play by your own rules. you spared the life of a single person. i bet you feel really great. you didnt kill anybody this time."
son of a bitch you fcking flower HOW DO YOU KNOW GOD OF ALL THE EVENINGS HE COULD HAVE SAID THAT.
"...but what will you do if you meet a relentless killer? you'll die and you'll die and you'll die."
oh god. thisgame.
"...until you tire of trying. what will you do then? will you kill out of frustration? or will you give up entirely on this world... and let ME inherit the power to control it?"
no. NO. fck you, mister flower. LEAVE ME ALONE. no wonder e said this game reminded xir of us this is this damn flower acts JUST like the damned hackers.
and the guilt, i
no. no i will NEVER give up.
"i am the prince of this world's future. don't worry, my little monarch, my plan isnt regicide. this is SO much more interesting."
leave me alone. you and all the things that hold the corruption like you. leave me alone. i dont know how this game is going to play out but no, no, there's too much at stake here, you will NEVER be able to save the game again if i have any say in it, the hackers are NOT allowed to push us to despair and take over, stop manipulating me. stop reminding me of my mistakes, my bloody mistakes, i can heal this, i can write over that, right?
this game.
...
and then
SANS.
thank god for the silly characters.
i'm exhausted and i need sleep so i'll leave the skeletons for tomorrow. this is a much-needed mood change.
In 2010 I spent the morning of October 29th sobbing uncontrollably into a computer screen in the kitchen, writing a suicide letter as my family nonchalantly went about their business behind me. I was reading Fahrenheit 451 at the time. I had a copy with an epilogue interview with Ray Bradbury and I wanted to at least get the closure of finishing that before I attempted anything.
...
- drove for 12 hours today, basically. 350 miles.
- got home and unfortunately, the food we bought made us AWFULLY sick, which was a shame because it wasn't that bad. i dont know i think we ended up badly dissociated because i dont even remember what we ate now
- stupid evil hacker AGAIN trying to hurt cel, name registered as JESS!!!! CURSE YOU, LEAVE US ALONE, CURSE YOU, YOU DEVIL, DONT YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
- jay realizing again that the numbness/ "not caring" about hacks is because we currently cannot cope with accepting them as having happened.
- ashen and wreckage sobbing and screaming, respectively
- 2x retribution, BEFORE and after. didnt seem to help. that scared us horribly
today was SO AMAZING until we got home, WHY, WHY, WHY
One thing I've realized lately is that I'm not sure who you are. It's a strange feeling, because I KNOW that we were rather close at one time? I know we talked a lot. I know you talked TO LAURIE for heavens sakes, a fewtimes even, all in a non-triggered environment. That's a flat guarantee that you meant a lot to us. But I don't remember. I want to know why.
Lately, "my" lack of memory has been a surreal fact nagging at the back of my mind. So much that we apparently once valued, or considered a part of daily life, or even of our identity is just... gone. That, or it's totally alien now, totally foreign.
I'm aware that someone sat up on the roof with you once. I'm aware that someone sat in the attic with you there afterwards. But I don't know who that was. I'm aware that we went to the one canyon with you, there was a photo of us at the top of some rocky cliff, up near some trees. I don't remember being there, I don't remember climbing. Q took photos of you and me sitting by the water, with sketchbooks and poetry. I don't remember that at all either. I'm aware that we went hiking with you, and Q, and Xilats. I know it was a fantastic day and I'm aware that we enjoyed it immensely. I know we talked to Xilats constantly. But I don't remember being there at all. At all.
I'm sorry. I have no idea "who" you knew, when "we" were with you, back then. All I have is secondhand data, like a videotape or a photo album. I've looked at it enough to remember the looking, but I wasn't there. Everything is third person, or fuzzy and vague, like a video game first-person feeling. I'm not actually in the screen, so to speak.
But I do remember some things. Not many, but some.
I remember that one camp we went to, very dimly, just location snapshots. I remember sitting on the floor in your basement, watching something, either 10th Kingdom or a Ghibli movie. I remember a snapshot of a family dinner in your kitchen, I was reading a sci-fi book at the time. I remember watching Up in your living room, just a flicker. But I know we watched it. I remember the vibe of your family's house, vaguely, but solid enough around the edges to feel like a dream I had once. I remember the smell of your room, perfectly somehow. I remember waking up one morning, after I had that Reshiram dream, and just looking about at it-- the books, the clothes, the door. It's not a clear memory, but it's the clearest one I have from then. I remember hugging you in front of the balcony windows the day we left in 2012, and feeling oddly sad, because I hadn't gotten to know you, and I then knew I'd never get the chance to again.
I don't remember your voice. I don't remember your face. I've seen so many people like you since you left, everything is jumbled. I get scared sometimes. Did I ever know you at all? There are still feeble efforts to talk between us, once in a blue moon. I'm never sure how to respond. This can't be fixed, I don't think it should, I'm not who we were then, I don't KNOW who we were then.... ...I don't know you. But they do. She does. He does. You have friends and family and you are happy. Keep that. You really, really don't need me.
Everything from the timeline in which we knew you is a blur, a cloud, a photo from a whole different lifetime. But it happened. Somewhere, sometime, it happened, to someone we don't know anymore. And you knew us. You knew us. No matter how we slice it, you knew us, however dimly. We existed around you, and that is enough.
I keep feeling there's something I need to do about this but it makes no sense. I don't understand and it hurts, it pulls at me and makes my eyes tear up. I don't WANT to be who we were when we knew you, okay? I was TOXIC back then. Our life, our situation, was TOXIC back then! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. I don't want to put that mask on again. Ever. I don't EVER want to be who we were back then, ever again. That's why this hurts. THAT'S who you knew. That's who you loved, so you say. I don't know who that person was and I do not want to know because I don't want them coming back.
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology for things I can't remember and don't understand. I've tried so many times and it never feels right. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here anymore. I'm sorry.
I remember just enough of our distant, dreamlike time with you, for it to be something interesting and significant. But I've forgotten reams more. What I have are paper fragments, when the whole book has been burnt.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being who you met, and befriended, and knew. I'm sorry that I cannot and should not ever be that person again. I'm sorry that I don't even know WHO that person was. I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of it. I'm sorry that I've forgotten virtually all of you. I'm sorry that I have no idea what we had, and I cannot rebuild it if you wanted to.
And yet we remember holding you that night you were shaking in your sleep. Someone loved you then and we would never deny that feeling, no matter how distant or old.
That's what hurts the most about this. I wish that person had his/her own life so that they could be with you. But you've changed now, too. You're no longer that person you were 5 years ago, as far as we know. And we're time-locked. That kid is stuck in that memory for all time, and that's what aches.
I'm sorry. I'm really really confused.
Thank you for allowing us to have the memories we have, from our time with you.
god this is the worst depression i've had in a very, very long time.
i'm so ashamed of myself. i feel like a total fake. headspace is just an absolute mess in every regard. time loss is still happening. dissociation is happening. i'm only ever safe and peaceful when i'm out of this horrible house, and even then i have a schedule tacked onto my head, a curfew, a plan of action.
there are new scars every single day and i know what that means but i can't cope with it so i end up numbing out until 3am every night
therapy has been such a mess lately, people keep babbling and switching, i feel so fake, we're too bloody abnormal, how the heck is this even real, god i dont even know what i want to be real or not anymore, i want this religious paranoia to stop, it's terrorizing me, i am so afraid to live,
we still have so many lingering awful memories that make no sense to me, whose were they, we still feel stuck in 2012 and i dont even know what happened there or who those people were or who WE were, but i was out driving at dusk today and the sun was a big red cherry slipping down behind the mountains and suddenly i remembered we used to stand at the top of the hill and watch the sun go down, chaos and i, when we lived in that little apartment out west. and i realized i only EVER remembered walking outside the house, at dusk. there's virtually NO memory of the apartment other than empty location data, i don't know what mornings were like, i dont know. why are we still STUCK there. what the heck even happened, why is cannon still spitting needles of furious hatred at the kids we stayed with there, "anger is a secondary emotion" though who broke her heart that badly, who broke US that badly, was our reaction to them a secondary consequence too?
the only person i feel safe around right now is laurie and even then i am scared because i see how wrecked she is emotionally lately, i dont want to hurt her, i dont ever ever ever want to hurt her, i dont EVER want some damned hacker TRYING to hurt her BECAUSE of me, i swear i will tear their throats out, dont you EVER TOUCH HER
i don't remember so much. vision inside is so weird. i'm seeing people like wreckage and algorith and cannon clear as day, and yet i can barely see the people i "used to be close to." what is this distance. is it fixable? should it be fixed?
i desperately, desperately need to talk to someone about this but i dont know how. i dont know how. we're trying in therapy but no one really has the ability TO talk about it but laurie and i, and laurie has so much trouble getting to the root of the problem in therapy because 1) angry alters trying to shove her out, 2) overlay dissonance and dysphoria problems, 3) she starts sobbing talking about this and crying causes immediate body shutdown. so what do we do
sorry. i needed to write something, somewhere. things dont feel real today, i dont know what i'm going to do i'm trying very hard to keep a positive vibe up, but i keep thinking of that "inside out" movie, someone posted a gif on tumblr of when anger makes that bear comment? but i was looking at fear, (he would totally have been my favorite as a kid, he's my exact fave character type from that age) in that gif he's working the control panel and then he just stops and looks at his hand, and its shaking, and he gets this look on his face and i know it might sound silly but that just hurt my heart becausei know that exact feeling. and awfully, right now i'd prefer to feel that, because that's an emotion and it shows that he cares about something and i just... don't. can't.
i remember in 2011 before julie joined us and laurie was still closed off from the world like a government safe "the only reason I've kept to myself all these years is because of how scared I've been." she feels everything more vividly than almost anyone else up here, god it must have been hell for her to be so cut off, and then here i am like a glacial ice wall
i'm not the "real jay" though. i know that. "jay iridos" is the sparkly one who really only exists as a concept. inside. the rainbow light one. i'm a jay, but no idea what else. i think. god i dont even know. i'm numb as hell and miserable all at once
this entry is getting nowhere and i just want to go upstairs and i have no idea i can't exist outside of this state apparently, it's "my job" or role, so i'll go upstairs and to heck with me being afraid of "dying" it's better than this sort of existence problem is there's also fear of someone else LIVING because of the same reason laurie is STILL largely terrified to live, because someone might hurt you. because emotions are a doorway straight to the tar. because if you care about someone, if you get too close, someone like those kids in utah are going to step all over your boundaries, they didnt know stop blaming them, but i can't get his face out of my head and his hands off my face and i can't get that panic out of my ribcage. at least, i haven't yet. not sure why. how do we forgive something so unapologetically terrifying if he "meant well" i hate romance i literally HATE romance and affection at this point they're not the same bloody thing!!! but they get too close. too too too close, it's close enough.
god help us this is why we spend all our time with laurie now genesis has edges but he doesn't really shatter, he's too sharp, that's better but it's still dangerous. infinitii is intoxicatingly deep and that broadens hir focus so nothing is really 'romantic' it's just intimate, but that is dangerous as hell because it causes dissociation almost instantly by its very nature. and chaos is too bloody close i dont even know who he is anymore, there are too many of him, just like there are too many of me, and so many of him are angry and emotionally manipulative and tumultuous and abusively romantic. and he reminds me too much of those two. and that makes no sense but there it is. i dont even know, i am so so so so sorry, we keep repeating this, we dont hate you, we hate what you did, and we hate ourselves for not speaking up, and feeling we had no right to, in a way we hate you for "making us feel we had no right to speak up," but you had no idea that happened either, we were too terribly afraid to talk to you. you never knew us and we never knew you and i am so sorry things happened like that? i cant be looking at those memories they literally make me physically nauseous
but laurie has broken edges all over the place. she's so sad whenever she's with us but it's not sadness it's... it's something wordless that we need. there's no performance, there's no superfluous talk, there's no stupid relationship ownership nonsense. there's no hollywood garbage. no courtship junk. no girlfriend idiocy. none of that. it's fragility and pain and sincerity and it's not volatile at all and i NEED that.
laurie pulls our hair and pushes knuckles into our cheekbones and holds our face like a grenade or a shard of glass, never never never like a lover, thank god, she kisses us like a knight, like a saint on bloodied knees, like a man returning home from war, we've said this before, how in the world do we put this into words, how in the world have we never written poetry about her, because poetry is too "romantic," it's the completely wrong vibe.
what am i talking about
she's the only safe person right now infinitii, rarely, and in short amounts genesis, never romantically, he's not into that anyway, chaos, not at all.
why do i feel like my heart should hurt over this it doesnt, its just flat, is that bad? they said attachment was bad, i despise it anyway, but is it healthy to be able to just drop a 10+ year relationship on a dime? to just walk away with no memory of what the past decade was even like? i guess that's part of d.i.d. or ptsd or whatever the heck we allegedly have either way its concerning and i dont even know why.
sherlock wrote an entry about all this last year that summarizes the problem perfectly there was also one last summer that is just as relevant in other topics (all that is happening again too) this upsets me, we are going in circles, LITERAL circles, certain topics repeat every single bloody year at this point no matter how desperately we try to "solve" them. are we just supposed to let go? abandon the whole "fixing" thing and just forget about it all?
its almost 4am dear god why are we back to pulling johnny-nighters are we really THAT depressed i know daily life lately is soul-crushingly anxious but it's not THAT bad we have things we can do to cope, there are happy things, but it just feels like running from the void. we have to let sadness talk somehow i think? it isn't "bad" to be sad so stop saying that okay
good night or good morning or whatever.
i found one of my favorite songs on youtube someone finally uploaded it i've been looping it for hours and there's this one line that's really the only one that's registering "and i know we're getting through the night."
oh my gosh i swear if THAT'S how the parnassus story ends, just, dear god it aches. i cannot even form words
why why why. why is every single freaking leagueworld so bittersweet and beautiful my heart cannot take this
every story ends like that, on a broken crystal note. on light blooming from absolute pitch black darkness. EVERY ONE. EVERY SINGLE LEAGUEWORLD has that. every single world i've seen to its end has just... torn my heart into pieces, then kissed the shards and put them back together
i haven't seen dream world end. it's not going to really. just... the "timeframe" of the written story, so to speak, DOES have an end and I KNOW how it has to end, how it must end, they know too, a lot of them.... but... oh man i can't even imagine how that's going to play out. my heart is not capable of seeing it right now. i just... i love those people so much it makes me tear up just writing that, i ADORE them, i could name every single character and explain why i loved them each, they are such beautiful people. and i want to see how this all concludes but not yet. not yet. i can't. but. but but but the beginning and the middle and the extended universe stuff and all the things i see about it are just... there are little endings everywhere. there are like, six different 'perspective' stories leading up to the main "book" one with maitru, and they are all indispensable, they are all beautiful, i love them all... but all those little endings. this story, this leagueworld, has more depth and love to it than anything else i've ever known and that's why i have no idea how hard the "real" ending is going to be. i think i'd die. in a good way. but still. this story is my life, their world is my world, it will never have a fixed conclusion, it will always grow, it's too glorious to have any sort of limits... but a book always has a last page, a series always has a last installment, and that's what is making my heart ache like a violin string. how will it happen.
hokthai... same thing. i have a strong idea of how it might end but god please i can't. if it's going to end the way i THINK it will i will be crying for weeks if not longer. i don't know. i cannot see an ending for that world/story at all yet, there's too much shifting in the middle, but it's getting DEEPER and that's amazing because hokthai didn't have depth like that before, it was one of the surface-sparkle series that didn't disclose its truest heart to me yet. but now... suddenly it is. out of nowhere, suddenly it's getting deeper, bit by bit. of course hosea is instigating that. i love him SO MUCH, i'm still learning about everyone else though... that's the thing. i still need to take special time and reconnect with them all. but i can feel that quiet promise of resonance. i want to know how the story unfolds, richly. i want to know how it really runs. but the ending feels so loud in my head. i can't see it, but i can feel everything around it, building up to it. and i'm afraid it's already promising to break my heart, so.
lg*girls is another surface-sparkle one, i have no idea what that's doing at all yet. so i can't say anything there.
but MAGE ANGELS oh good lord i never thought i'd end up adoring that series as much as i do now. it didn't talk to me for almost a decade, then suddenly at the second college it just... bloomed. absolutely. and now i love them all so much. but this is talking about the endings. THAT ending... is the definition of bittersweet. everything with monika oh lord. i love her already, you beautiful broken-down girl. but every time i look at that scene, it's burned into my mind already, that picture... every time i watch them talk, it's... the whole story is an ending. the WHOLE world is an ending just played in slow motion until it stops. it's the saddest thing, it is the damn SADDEST story i am writing now in that sense, because from the very beginning the ending was a guarantee, and yet... and yet. it's bittersweet. there's such light at the end, such light, in the final moments. it's... it's the definition of hope.
oneircia. dear heavens. this story is so weird. it doesn't talk much, but i saw the ending when i was about 19 and it was the first world i saw "end" and... although it was skippy and blurry i can't forget the details. oneircia is tragic too, not as bad as mage angels but... probably worse in terms of how much the ending just knifes at your heart. oddly. i don't know. i need to talk to this one again soon, like hokthai, but... this world is the definition of that "bittersweet" word, i think. the whole story feels like a sad smile. but it's still a smile. so the conclusion... it aches. it glows but it aches. it's so strange. but i love them.
event horizon. geez i don't even know. i have not seen a solid ending for this one. there's too much space in the middle. but i've seen some things leading up to the as-of-yet-unknown ending. and it's heartbreaking. this story is so odd for me, it's romantic which is rather alien to me, pun intended... but it's so honest. like i really hope this story lends itself to the stage because james is born for it. and he is so sincere, but his situation is so dire... that's the bright ache of this world, is his quest of love and hope, in an environment which is jarringly not-that. and yet it still sparks up in little ways around him. i don't know. this story is still an unknown. but it has that feeling to it already, the feeling that good books and plays and songs give you, where after it "ends" you can't help but just sit there for a while... it stays with you for so long.
puppetstrings. the children and the magic. this one is surprisingly 'empty' yet... i'm still learning its story. it's fragile. that makes its sadness sort of shocking. there is inherent softness but it's too... naive? like lg*girls. this story needs its depth yet. i don't know how it ends because i can't even see the middle yet. but i won't give up on it.
halcyon days. aaaaaagh. man. never forget that day on the highway. THIS one just yanks out my heart and steps on it. god knows i love everyone in this story so much too. all the kids and the aliens. this one talks to me a LOT. but it is SO sad. it's built on sweetness in the face of pain. but oh lord it hurts to watch sometimes. you have no idea. but i don't know how this one ends. too many unanswered questions yet. too much missing data, things i haven't been told yet. i can't know how it ends yet but i've seen some of... i've seen some 'smaller endings' in it already. and they break my heart. but the kids keep walking. there's a real pure dedication to this story that i love. it's so delicate but it never gives in.
voltage is a mystery but, tox. i just... my little bug boy. not even he's a grown man damn it but god knows it hurts to see him dealing with what he's going through. that story is so strange to me yet and i'm a bit scared because it doesn't glow like the others, not largely. there's so much pain and fear and doom in this series, it's hard to see, let alone write. but volt, he just carries around ALL this hope like a freaking neon sign in the middle of the night. so maybe i'll try to talk to him. but... i don't know why i felt so drawn to tox, i don't know too much about him, but... he's one of the small endings. i can't see much of this story but i'm afraid to see the ending of his part of it. it leaves me in tears considering it. but i can't just blind myself to their world i have to be brave and write it for them no matter what happens. no matter what
rosewindow. i have no freaking idea BUT it is full of promise. that's the unique thing about this one. it's grand. there's such expansiveness and wonder to this world... it's so BIG. just like dreamworld. i don't know a lot about the people in it yet but i love, i love love love the ones i know already... some of them personally. thank god for world-jumpers. my boss is from this place natively. so is death. i've never spoken to anu or lagiaris but they are so sweet, i want to know more about them. this story feels like a big fairytale, like something you'd see on the big screen, however the heck it ends it is going to hit HARD but it is going to be beautiful, i just know it. this is one of the worlds that will not end with tears, then a light. this one is going to end with tears and joy. this one is too sweet. but that hurts in its own special way, too.
magicwarp you guys aren't talking to me at all yet, sorry i can't say much about you. you're virtually a totally open canvas right now. the shuffle worlds are the same way, but i have such a severe soft spot for the man of nogaisa already... i want to see that story unfold.
parnassus, though. parnassus. the beloved strange world. my muse is from there. my best friend. my love of light. genesis apolymis. he's asleep right now but he's well and he's happy and i'm glad. but i don't know how timelines work. and our world, headspace, it floats, it isn't affected by time like that... it's a liminal space of sorts. people can come here and not worry about bleedover into their native worlds. like a dream. it's free here, for them. we assure it so. but. that's off topic. the point is today i saw his world's "story" END and although the world and its timeline went on, after that... god please i don't know i don't know i'd been hoping this wasn't the "correct timeline" because i kept seeing it and god it hurt, i kept seeing the dialogue and events build up to something i did not want to happen and yet it was perfect. it was terrible and i wanted to shield my eyes and yet god i was so proud, so happy, to see the gold at the edges. where it came to be. what happened and was healed. the promise. but it's so bittersweet. that's not even the right word. it's i cannot put it into words i can't tell you what happened, god help me i don't know if it's legit true or not but it FEELS like it... see this is why it's bad to get personally invested in leagueworlds because their timelines stretch on back and forwards and i can see the whole things, they are both beginning and ending at once, always, and i can't stop it. some timelines i can touch, they roughly line up with ours at certain points, they are still "going" actively... but that's rare. most times leagueworlds are on a totally different clock than we are, they're all in totally separate bubbles, we can't touch them. they can come to us but lots of them aren't able to. but what in the world am i trying to say.
if that's the real ending to parnassus then god, that is perfect and beautifully sad and i will never forget it, it will be impressed upon my heart forever... but... the pain, the pain, the pain i guess that's what makes a good book though? this quality? wrapping itself up around your bones in such away that when it ends, you ache for years? but it's a beloved ache, at first you think it would kill you, but over time it becomes something strangely beloved... you can read a book over and over but you will never emulate the first time, the traveling with them, the first page and the back cover. you will never forget the first time you read the ending. it stays with you. same with the authors you know we see this stuff, all at once sometimes, out of the blue, and we never forget that. ever.
i adore every single blessed individual in every single one of these blessed worlds i've been blessed with that's like 500 people dude, that's a lot but i love them. this is my bliss in life, this is my beloved wound, this is what gives me joy and gets me up in the morning, is you, is all of you, no matter what, no matter how many endings i have to watch, i know nothing ever really ends, nothing ever ends
My heart has been closed for a long time, because somewhere, someone convinced me that having an open heart was the same thing as having open legs. (strange war between old hack residue and new knowledge. eros and julie at the forefront of protection. infinitii getting torn to shreds by the bombs, so to speak.)
- We went to see a psychiatrist, I suppose for the general first intake? Tons of paperwork. However, in the days/weeks leading up to this appointment, we thought about the last time we saw a psychiatrist, and we realized something-- back then, we had answered the questions according to what we thought was proper or expected. "Do you feel/ act/ think this way," et cetera, and whoever answered the questions back then was too busy smiling and trying to appear healthy to be honest. Well. Not so today. We were lucky to get a blank fronter out-- NOT a numb one, there's a difference! Numbs don't feel anything, don't care, and aren't connected to headspace as a result. Blanks, though... they're emotionless, detached, but not apathetic. They ARE tied to us, if only from a 'reporter' perspective, and they won't disclose our existence unless it is unavoidable. That appears to be their real function-- knowing of us, and respecting that fact totally, while protecting us from the outside, from doubters and condemners. Nevertheless they ARE HONEST. (They also seem to all be in the Gray area of the Spectrum, unsurprisingly.) Anyway, yes, one was out talking for our intake today. They didn't leave any accessible residual data for us, other than what the room looked like, so we "lost" two hours there, but for once we don't regret it. We know who that time went to, and we trust them, whoever they are, and we are glad. - The psych had a little Good Luck Bear plushie on her desk, which caught Minty's attention. What was surprising was that she actually ghosted to sit next to our fronter, if only to just be there. Later on Genesis ended up sitting in a chair across the room (lounging in it is more accurate), which I only know because our fronter was backing off a bit at that time (the psych doc left the room temporarily, after our existence was disclosed and the blank therefore could freely hand over the reins to us), and I got to sit in the body for a minute or so. - The docs prescribed Abilify BUT as soon as we got to the car (we were massively switchy and dissociated between there and the office, lots of fragmenty stuff), our infamous "manic red" fronter came out and started laughing and ranting about it... TO US. That is VERY NEW. Weirdly she's always known about us, but in a sort of "I don't care" way... she was always more concerned with doing her own thing. But now, now she's starting to warm up to the idea of other people, if only in a rather narcissistic sense-- she likes being the center of attention. I'll admit though, I don't dislike her. Her energy is blazing but it's not malevolent, really. It just has a tendency to edge over that way when it gets overwhelming. She's like a sun strapped into a skeleton; all plasma roar and victorious laughter. She's funny, too. Only thing is she needs to turn down the fire, because after barely 10 minutes of fronting the body is exhausted. It also HURTS in her wake, I noticed that following her in. Some fronters leave like little "hook-scars" in the brain when they leave, like walking through a patch of brambles. She leaves something like a fishhook brushburn. But at least she can be reasoned with, and she's willing to leave and let other people out when her energy isn't proper for a situation. That's really significant too. - But yeah, she was furious-laugh-ranting because they gave us Abilify "to deal with your inability to express emotion," when in fact what had happened was that our blank fronter was one of the ONLY PEOPLE in the System to even have that problem. This girl, this explosion of extroversion, was the polar opposite of that. So she took it upon herself to front very loudly and therefore invalidate the claim that we were emotionless. I had to point out that the Abilify, being an antipsychotic, was also used to treat aggression/ tantrums/ mood swings/ etc. tied to bipolar disorder and autism, so she had to be careful. To that, she then began calling the meds a "neurological sedative" and refused to let the body take anything that would "suppress her existence." All in all no one was happy about it but she took it personally. We then found out that there is both corn and milk in the pills, and ended up laughing because "hey, a loophole," in case anyone was stuck having to admit that we weren't taking them and needed a "non-weird" reason as to why. (Oh yeah, and it can also cause weight gain, to which every E.D. voice basically shouted hell no, not again.) - I do want to note that it feels like her energy IS blurring with the "clean cut" Razor splinter voice, who also feels red, and whose energy is terribly similar to this manic girl's (same root anchor? no idea yet). So we're getting name-hints but we don't know whose is what yet. I'm sorry for the blurry data but again, this is new. We haven't been in a state of mind where things are open to just LET people front at will, like the old days, which we all miss. But that's happening again now. We're a "we" again. I'm also terribly sorry for having said that over and over for months now, I think... it's just that, no matter how many times it may happen, these flashes, they're new. They're wonderful. And they're all steps up. We never step back. It's like... finding the exit door, only to find yourself in another little labyrinth. But you're out of the first one now, the big heavy one. You're out, and you're closer to the outside now, just don't give up. There are more doors. Now there are windows too. It's going to be okay. And it is okay, when you remember that regardless of physical distance, hearts are forever tied. No one, ever, anywhere, can take us away from each other. There's just a little more space, a little more fog, hanging about than is healthy. It's not permanent. If I can't see them, I can hear them. And if I can't hear them, all I need to do is move about a bit, in any direction, and I'll bump into someone eventually. If I can't move... I couldn't say, because I've never been in that position. Even if my steps may appear to be missteps, at the time, my feet are always free. As long as this body lives and breathes, I will make its life a testament to hope, through me, through us. And when it dies I can only pray it will leave that behind like a gold dust. - That got kind of poetic. It's 3AM, that is why. - The most important thing about that whole appointment, though, was the feeling I got when I was in the body for a minute. It was this intense validation, this feeling of incredulity and gratitude, of realizing that we just told a doc that we exist and they ROLLED WITH IT. Neither of those things have EVER happened before. We opened our heart to the reality of our own existence-- a terribly, sadly hard thing to do lately, what with feeling such happiness is "evil" for some unknown reason-- and then had the absolute guts (or the total lack of comprehension of "guts" or the lack thereof, thanks blank fronters) to ADMIT THAT to another person. So yes. It felt incredible for a minute. It felt like... tuning into what we were, into WHO we were, those first steps at becoming a sort of "family" inside back in 2010, but without the crushing pain and fear and anxiety Cannon's timeline cradled. We've healed so much now. - I saw Central talking amongst themselves earlier, not sure about what, but Leon was doing the whole air-summon thing that previously only Laurie and I have done actively (it's like forming small temporary "holograms" in the air, to illustrate a point or express an idea). Laurie did compliment him on this, rather amazedly too. He responded with something along the lines of, "I want to be more directly active in Central." Which I HOPE he does, I love him, he's such a great guy. - On that note Javier already has total "you can chill in the Core bedroom whenever you want" rights. He's too cool (ironically). Personally I do feel a BFF-y connection to him as the Red holder anyway, so. It's great. - Jayce has been helping a lot lately, being our reflection dude. Nienna is still singing. We're all making sure Spine sticks around Central. The Undergrounders are all doing okay. So are Jeremiah and the kids. Julie still has her ribbons on her arms. Laurie is healing her anchor. So is Infinitii. Patience and compassion are key. It's amazing how deep it all goes, how much still needs to be untangled and healed and loved back to light, bit by bit. We're getting our strength back, our warrior blood, and prophet heart. Bit by bit. - Lastly PLEASE remind me to finish transcribing/uploading the massive amount of neglected data files on Mitchell & Morpheus, our voice recorders. Not only will that help me anchor in this new "we do exist" joy again, but it will also get us back on track with what's solved and what isn't. - There WAS snow the other day and there was a spring sunset today and it's supposed to thunderstorm on Thursday. What a week. Life is nice.
Good night everyone. I love all you readers and passers-by and people so hold that to your heart and be well, if only for the moment. It'll stick.
Thoughts at 12am, forgive my personal posting but I'm tired enough to give it a shot right now:
Today (well, yesterday) was SERIOUSLY productive and I am very happy for that. I scanned 65 pages of my bro's old comic so I can adapt/update it for "extended universe" stuff before the original gets destroyed. I also did a ton of tiny design sketches for monsters I don't have "official art" of yet, which was a big to-do list item that I'm thankful is done now. It's also fantastically cathartic to just draw and not care about it being "perfect;" fun scribbles are something I NEED to do more often for sanity's sake.
I will never not love John Mitchell's voice, not just for the tonal quality but also because I discovered It Bites a few days before I got sent to the psych ward in 2011, and having "The Tall Ships" album stuck in my head for that week was profoundly comforting. I'd stare out at the hospital parking lot and just listen to This Is England in my head and it kept us going.
Therapy is today. There's no preset topic, but we had "homework" (which was kind of existentially jarring to think about) and the therapist has a lot of questions she still wants to ask. Plus... the System's already both comfortable and stressed enough to front without warning during sessions, so whatever happens today, it will be interesting. Spice came out like a shot last time and ranted for quite a while; honestly I was shocked because she's never spoken in public before, but she was furious last week so it was to be expected. And really I prefer people who "shove" their way out; it hurts far less and isn't as confusing than having to "move out of the way" as someone else is walking in.
I've finally started watching Steven Universe again, as I saw the first 6 episodes as they aired (I've been a fan of Rebecca Sugar's work from 2009 or so; never forget Pug Davis) and then sadly slacked off. I adore this show, it's so cute and creative and fun. And the soundtrack is wondrous. There's a new episode airing today so I'm looking forward to that too.
Xenophon stuck around for a bit this evening and was watching me browse pictures of fancy-ass houses over my shoulder. She likes this room the best.
Valentine's Day is this weekend and I really should draw something, aroace or not. Holidays are good timestamp anchors and celebrating this one in my own way-- especially in light of recent personal events-- would be nice. Regardless, Easter is coming up and I ADORE the entire Easter season, Lent and all, so I'm excited. It always carries great significance. Plus, Infi's birthday is on Good Friday this year. Well then.
All right, now it's 1AM and I fiercely need sleep. See you kids another time.
Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University.
This reminds us of our internal data archives (the ones that Sherlock manages), for some reason? It's not a total environment match-- the biggest irony is that our archives seem oddly 'digital' or even 'magical;' there are no books-- but the color, height, and atmosphere of this photo feels SO much like it, that I had to reblog it.
This, everything about this is me, this is the scenery of my heart captured in photographs. The vast and empty roads, the all-embracing hugeness of the world... I've said it before, but these are my dreamscapes, exactly so. Waterfalls, keepers of secrets and fountains of life. The wild and lonely oceans, which I love. The snow, blank white promise, from horizon to horizon... And the verdant joyous green hills, beckoning adventure.
I love this photoset. I really do.
Credit to the amazing kichaa/notmusa. Honestly, as strange as it may be, this is exactly what it's like when I slip back into fronting after one of our self-destructive alters has been out. plus panel 3 really captures the exact moment of "dude who was doing that"
These feel so much like headspace... it hits hard.
#1 reminds me strongly of a bridge I saw Lynne and Spine on a few weeks ago, in an autumn wind. I don't know where it was. #2 is almost identical to the Underground pathways. #3 isn't exact, but the mossy walls by the river, and the trees above, is very strong internal imagery nevertheless. #4, more Underground tunnels. It's actually really pretty down there. #5. Central City's streets are lined with trees like this... and Laurie has a thing for cherry blossoms. #6. I adore circular ceiling windows like this. I had one in my room. #7 & #8 don't match anything inside, but the feeling of vastness and silence they radiate is very close to my heart, for lack of a better term. Our internal world is huge and quiet and spacious... my dreams are too. I think these are from Cambridge. Either way, they are beautiful.
This reminds me of our Marigold, actually. She's about 7 too, but she's always looked rather dirtied and roughed-up like this. The outfit doesn't match, but that hair is perfect. I also like that this girl is out looking at the grass like that, for a different reason. Marigold has rarely ever been outside (she lived almost entirely in the Underground prior to January), so she'd probably be a bit hesitant but fascinated by nature if she were to be so immersed in it.
Okay, we've had an awful night, and seeing this on our dash immediately after was too significant to ignore. Our situation's a bit different, but this is more for personal records and reflection than anything.
1. One of our oldest and biggest safety measures during the "Julie days" was to turn on the lights. If there were a lot of lights on, there was nowhere for us to get trapped, or hidden, in the dark where they could get us. So for us this was different; the lights revealed the monsters, but they were loathe to attack us in brightness. And when we could see them, we could get away. 2. This is why we have so many protectors and retributors. That's essentially their mission statement, in different words. 3. We've never done this, but the "water" bit is significant in a sad way. One of our outspacers-- Chaos 0-- is basically a liquid being, but he's one of the biggest targets for malicious forces in here. Maybe that's why. 4. This is VERY true. It's why Minty is working with the bear army actually. For whatever reason, plush toys ARE amazing protectors, to the point where hackers will actually go to significant lengths to get rid of them when they find them... or, to corrupt them. We've had to actually destroy a few old plushes because they became Tar anchors, and therefore lethal. 5. This was not vividly significant until tonight. We had a GREEN alter come out, brandishing blades, and shout to the shadows, "I'll fight you!" And she was not afraid at all, jumping at all these dark dangers with the unflinching intent to protect everyone else from them. However, as far as Green goes, that is probably the most closed-out color in the Spectrum-- no one even held the core slot until 2011! I'd vouch that our demons are more afraid of the color violet, though.
In the old headspace, I had a huge window like this above my bed (yes really). I'm rather enamored by circular ceiling windows... and the way the building itself is wrapped around it. I tend to dream about spirals and rings a lot, if that makes sense? At least in terms of memorably architecture. There's always staircases, and tiered walls, and huge open lobbies, and balconies in loops. It's gorgeous really.
Either way it was nice, being able to look up at night and see the stars high up above, and the sunlight in the morning.
I need snow tonight. I'm feeling shaken up and old pains are making my soul seem painted black, tarry and stained, wrong. But this strange and fragile powdery whiteness just washes it off, all of it away, in an instant. Something about snow... it's absolving, exonerating. It's unconditionally forgiving. It covers everything, everything in quietly cold crystal, sweet and soft, light and beautifully serene. It's magic. It's beautiful. And it makes me laugh, joyfully and without cause, like a child, no matter how lost I felt the moment before. I love the snow.
I can't wait for tomorrow. We're totally going to get buried in it.♥
More snapshots of what the world inside my heart feels like. Amusingly, only the bottom two pictures (original post) don't quite match-- there's almost no yellow in my landscapes, or dry grasslands. For me there's just fog-kissed oceans, and mountain crags dripping with snowy pines, and the smell of ice and hope and tiny spring flowers. And then there are the massive beautiful cities, as clear and bright as the frost that paints them, where everything always feels like Christmas. And I'm always wandering, always running about wild and free, giggling and feeling the wind swirling about my arms. Always smiling and practically bursting with a bright childlike love for this endless place, this reflection of me. But you'll notice, I'm virtually always alone too. And I'm happy like that. There are plenty of places where I can gather with other souls, where there's camaraderie instead of solitude, and maybe we'll talk about what our inner worlds look like but we all know that those places are beautifully, perpetually private. We all know that they bloom the strongest and shine the most vividly with self-love-- something no visitor, however beloved, can ever bestow. So I run around alone, and I love it all.
We decorated the streets of Central City with luminescent trees like this, a while back. Some had actual lights strung about them, and some of them just glowed on their own. These are exactly the sort of color Waldorf would love, though, so this reblog is for her!
I really miss this boy right about now.
It's weird, how you can never really forget the people who impacted your life in some luminous way, no matter how small it may have been at the time… candles or bonfires, lamps or searchlights, they all tend to glow forever in your heart.
Ryou here… or Rio, as we call him in headspace… well, he turned out to be a bit of a supernova in his own right. When he appeared in my life 12 years ago I may not have realized just what he was the herald of, but now? Now it's brilliantly staggering, really. And I'm deeply grateful for it.
Sorry I haven't said hello to you in a while, bro. I still treasure your existence up here, mark my words.
This was supposed to be a practice sketch but I got carried away. I love coloring this guy.
I'm trying to find a happy medium between "his canon look" and "how I've seen him in my head since 2003," but I think this works well enough for the time being. I'll keep experimenting though; heaven knows I will never get tired of drawing him.
This is Josephina, one of my fellows from the BLC System. He holds the Yellow slot in Central, so he's pretty important-- and he's probably our prettiest member too, haha.
So… this is what happens when I’m up until stupid-o’-clock in the morning.
In all honesty, we really do need to talk together like this again soon.
Today has been ridiculously nice and I'm really happy right now, so I'm sharing it. Have some sparkles!
♥♥♥!
#today really was lovely though #you guys even get sandman glitter look at that
Wandering around-- whether it be through towns, or cities, or forests, or fields-- is probably my favorite thing to do in the world. That sense of freedom and peace, that feeling of having absolutely no limits and yet of being totally in tune with the world around you, is incomparable. It breaks my heart how my local forests are being industrialized so terribly. I remember how huge they were as a child. I want to treasure everything beautiful around me, every moment. I'm going to start wandering again, both externally and internally.
Momentarily feeling disheartened, "how am I going to deal with therapy tomorrow," realizing I've not been taking good care of myself lately... then I log in, and this is the first thing on my dashboard. I don't know, it just... works. That rainbow, the geometric shape, the lovely light of it all... it made me smile, like the universe just reminded me, "you're gonna be okay, kid." But there's a solid courage in there too. You'll be okay, sure, but don't give up. Don't get lost. Keep going.
I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. I don't know what will happen. I'll just do my best with it when it arrives. As of right now I want to tune into some joy, I want to break down my own walls, I want to feel like I'm a living breathing person. I'm just not sure how. ...aaand the universe just tossed the perfect music synchronicity at me in response to that, now I'm really smiling. Good night everyone. We'll be okay.
This looks surprisingly similar to the room we've all been gathering in for therapy sessions-- especially the couches in front of the big windows, and the overlook hallway from the stairs. We need spacious, optimistic rooms for therapy meetings because we might have 20 people gathered there at once, many of whom are likely agitated.
I'm not sure where this place is, exactly. It used to be one of the extensions from Central, but after December it might even be in floating space for all I know. Nevertheless it's nice.
This feels so much like the deep areas of head/heartspace, where the positive monochrome energy flows about. I've only seen this sort of firework once in the waking world, but the image of that gorgeous golden curtain slowly floating down above me was forever impressed upon my mind. It also... reminds me of Genesis. We have this thing where, every year on his birthday-- July 4th-- he and I go out on the back lawn together, and stand at the edge of the hill, and just watch the fireworks together. It's... it means the world to me. I love him so much, I really do. He's given me some truly beautiful memories. So... really, I have to thank him for this one, too.
Her, 2013 (dir. Spike Jonze)
I love this, love this, love this.
The compositions here, the colors, the landscapes... this is imagery all but stolen from my nightly dreams. Just silent open spaces and bittersweet solitude. I really cannot put into words how inspiring this is to me.
There's a place in my dreams that I've only ever seen once, and I adore it more than any other dreamscape I've seen. I was there in 2003. I went there with Waldorf, Maitru, and Ryman-- the latter being the only reason we found the place. It was a small, hidden place, just a path of bright green grass lined with trees like this, perfectly lined up on each side. But in our dream, the sky was soaring blue with spires and temples of cloud, and the green hues all around us were as vivid as gemstones. The path, though, was even more incredible. It stretched on for about a hundred meters, and then it cut off sharply-- falling away into nothing. Truly, the path ended in a sheer cliff, and standing at the edge one could see what felt like the entire world stretched out before and below them.
But the most incredible part were the stars. Perhaps that's not entirely accurate. They were actually crystals, floating in the air, all around our heads, but just out of reach. They were about 7cm across, and they were all shaped like crescent moons and 5-pointed stars and suns. All were intricately carved, faceted so that they caught the sunlight and scattered it in rainbows, and there were hundreds of them. They hovered effortlessly above that path alone, stretching up into the sky, seemingly limitless.
I stood there with Ryman and we laughed from the sheer joy of it. We were two 13-year-old kids completely enamored with the moment, knowing it was a dream but forgetting we were asleep, and wishing we could stay there forever.
I woke up and I can't remember having been able to visit that place since.
Sure, I've come close. I know the exact paths to take to get there. Problem is, the dreamscape itself has to line up correctly in order for those paths to even open, and with how realms shift in my dreams it is very rare for all the pieces to fit together. But I never stop hoping. I treasure all my dreams regardless of where I go, and one day I know I'll find this blessed little space again, and it will be like seeing it for the first time.
I have had this exact sort of conversation with my therapist before!
I tend to feel colors/ sounds/ shapes/ textures instead of "emotions," at least as far as I understand them. I struggle to identify feelings like anger/ sadness/ excitement/ etc. because I only understand those terms as labels, plus I do not know how others experience them. When I feel something, it's abstract all the way, and often I have no idea how to label it-- or even express it physically (that's arguably one of my biggest roadblocks in therapy). It's utterly fascinating, sure, but it can be terribly frustrating as well, especially when trying to communicate or empathize in those respects.
I have to laugh-- in headspace, people put music on and then turn to me to see how I "manifest it," since my mind translates it into feeling-images. So I'll turn the entire room into a swirling, glowing, moving rhapsody of color and shapes, shifting with every note, all but melting into the sound as I do so. It's really fun! I'm trying to teach other people in the System to do it in their own ways.
It struck me, recently, just how many of our Leagueworlds have this concept at their core-- the simple quiet truth that every soul consists of stars. Every being is a galaxy in itself. Feeling like this... I miss it. But one can never tune into it halfheartedly, or from such a feeling of false lack. The honest recognition of this ethereal phenomenon, the participation in it within oneself, demands the utmost reverence, vulnerability, and joy. But it's never gone. It's never lost. It's in my blood, and behind my eyelids, in every waking and dreaming moment. And that alone is an undying hope.
This is too relevant tonight.
Isn't it funny how, when I feel the bleakest and I need this the most, my mind thinks it's too good to be true? And yet, sooner or later, I find myself at the shoreline, and no matter how battered and ashamed I may feel, the ocean is still there.
It is that sort of silent constancy that keeps me going... just the infinitely unconditional love of the universe, whether through a person or a thing or a concept. Not once has it ever failed me.
So, this is where the incredulously grateful grief shatters my heart, and I try again.
Looking at this, it gives me the feeling of reaching into that solid darkness, and catching colored light from it... like there was a hidden spectral glow within that assumed void. I like that idea a lot.
Forgot to post this. I was scrolling through someone's archives yesterday when this post jumped out at me (obviously). It was notable, though, not just because of my name, but because it was true. I was in a rather depressed state at the time, and any metaphorical flashlights that may have helped shine through it were misplaced or forgotten. So this little orange card inspired me enough to pick one up, so to speak. It helped!
I miss having little things like this happen. It's nice to see them again.
Can I just say that this is terribly relevant lately? Infi holds me just like that when we talk... and ze has this terribly deep knowledge of the darkest parts of me/us, yet ze is so kind-- always-- to me and everyone else. If ze can love me so unconditionally, when ze feels exactly what I do on my bleakest and bloodiest days... then I can show the same love and kindness to myself, because I would never ever withhold it from hir.
So this is extremely important to me tonight.
This reminds me so much of when we were in SLC... some evenings, Genesis or Chaos & I would walk up to the top of the hill our apartment was, so we could watch the cherry-red sun sink down behind the carved-out mountains. It was exactly this color. It's a little closer to sunrise right now, but this is lovely still. Have a good night.
The sudden, clear presence of time and death makes our awareness of life all the more precious. It's always struck me as odd, how we can dedicate a certain place to a certain celebration, and yet the very repetition of that role can dull its significance to so many. But then there are other places, who see no such official proclamation of the same purpose, and yet which carry thousands of glittering moments within their humble walls. Airports, places of travel and transition, places of goodbyes and hellos, are sacred in their own way, for how they frame and crown those great personal shifts and reliefs. And hospitals, places of healing and hurt, of fear and hope, labyrinthine and brilliant and cold.... they are holy too, for the paradoxes cradled within their walls, for the births and bones and blood alike. I see both places as spontaneous yet continual monuments to those tiny, powerful events that can turn a life on a dime. In those moments, I think we can glimpse not only how beautifully brief our existence here is, but also how vast the universe is all around us nevertheless. We find ourselves suddenly suspended between humanity and eternity, for better or for worse, and that vastness bursts from us in tears, in laughter, in prayers, in love. It's hard to put such a feeling into words, but it's one of my favorite things really.
I love both airports and hospitals for this very reason. They feel terrifying and comforting at the same time, to me, and that sort of dichotomy is what I live to embrace.
This is kind of what it feels like when Infinitii calls me.
I'll hear hir voice, and suddenly I find myself in this barely-glowing space-- vast unknowable acres of shadow all around me, holding silence as thick as the scent of jasmine. It's a place of total enigma. And then there's the fog. Although ethereally inviting, all white and soft and cold, it's secretly terrifying. Like standing at the edge of a cliff, fear tugs at my heart as sharply as a knife edge, contrasting almost impossibly with the childlike bliss that is welling up all around it. The fog in that meadow, it is neither dream nor nightmare. I can't see two steps in front of me there. It threatens to freeze my very bones. But... it's so beautiful to be lost in that cloud, wandering through it with no sense of direction or destination... it's oddly divine, to lose all sense of time and space and self there. And yet that alone can be lethal. That's what it's like to be with Infi, to talk to hir at all, to be close to hir at all. It's unbearably lovely, as fragile as a bubble, but surrounded by hidden needles. It's the borderline between the allure of the quiet forest, and the danger that lurks there when shadows fall. It's blood and teeth, flowers and rain, dawn and dusk... still, you cannot resist its beckoning. It sings a siren song in a language I cannot translate, because words cannot hold it. Sorry for rambling. Headspace has just felt like this more often than normal lately.
Dude someone actually has a photo of this place I am so happy.
This place was my life as a kid. It was a little ways across the street from where we used to take violin lessons, and we'd go there once a week or so to get coffee for our elderly instructor. Rain or shine, snow or storm, it was the highlight of my week, and after gleefully running through the bushes to reach it I'd make every excuse to stay in there as long as possible. Now that I think about it, those times were my first taste of independence too. We had rather controlling parents, so these little excursions to the cafe-- alone, money in hand, free to just be without parental pressure to perform-- were bliss. But the inside of the place, it just stuck in my head like heaven. I still visit it in my dreams sometimes. Echoes of it are written into my creative work. The smell of the coffee, the warm colors of the wood, the newspaper-glossed tables, the magnetic poetry, the lollipops, the muffins, the books... I had never seen such a place before, back when I first knew it, and so the magnificence of it had quite the impact.
It closed almost 6 years ago and you'd never know it was there once, now. But I'll always hold it in my heart.
Sunrise in Foreste Casentinesi, Monte Falterona, Campigna National Park - Italy by Roberto Melotti
...Chaos said I was like a “sunrise in the snow,” once. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. It gives me more hope than I can say.
Airplanes, for me, carry this feeling of being perfectly at home, and yet completely away from 'home.' They are returning and leaving all at once and I love it. They feel like limitless possibility-- that exciting, frightening, humbling knowledge that you have no roots in the air and yet, you can put new ones down anywhere, now. They are a commitment to the unknown, in my book, in my experience. I miss them, but they are not to be trifled with. To ride one you must become displaced from wherever you were before. My mind thinks in absolutes, when traveling. When I'm on the road, or in the air, that is all that exists. One day I'll experience this picture again and I will treasure it as much as I always have. Until then I'll walk the earth just as happily.
ocenotarchive: im not sure how to feel about these arms of mine
I do have “ghost arms’ like this that I use every once in a while. Now you know.
I don't hear the cruel voices on my good days (at least, not typically). On bad days though, when I'm stuck on their level, they are deafening. So there is a profound relief and comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in this head when the voices start. Laurie's around. So is Genesis. So is Infinitii. That's three of, what, 70? I'm literally never alone. It's never more of a blessing than it is on those bad days, really... ironically, perhaps. But I want to mention that I now have people downstairs, people online and even a few locally, that are willing to echo this same sentiment. That's incredible. And I just want to reiterate, thank you, with total sincerity. There's a lot of hope here, that I will keep in my heart.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DECEMBER
This is the perfect portrayal of creative force, for me. It's this exquisite, priceless, gem-studded concept, and yet at its heart it will always be this raw, visceral, bloody thing. The idea of life being born anew is always magnificent, but everyone comes into this world covered in red. The two aspects are inseparable, and uniquely captivating just as such, just like this.
#the juxtaposition of organic and refined substances is both unnerving and intriguing to me #i really should play with that idea more
Do I actually have depression? I don't know. It's both frustrating and annoying whenever someone asks my therapists or docs for a diagnosis and they tack "anxiety and depression" onto the end. It's so generic to me. "Yeah, ze gets sad and nervous sometimes." Do I? I honestly can't tell. I don't get sad, I wish to heaven that I did, emotions are so alien lately. It's more of this… this emptiness. Let me talk about that, that's why I'm here.
I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to Cannon's campus again, they're having a choir concert, they're even singing some Eric Whitacre stuff. Now normally I love choral music, you know that. I adore it. The last time I couldn't go to a choir concert I broke down in tears, it felt like a stab in my own heart. They sound like me. …Or at least, they should. I should sound like them, rather. It's weird. I don't know when I stopped drawing, but it was because I didn't want the buildup of paper clutter.
I'm scared to get a job. I'll admit it. I'm scared because I don't want to be locked into another automated routine. Yeah, it'll get us out of this house, but at what cost? My grandparents are… getting older. It's scary. It makes me feel like a helpless child, to see them in pain, to see them struggling to get around now, to see the memory problems. All my life they seemed more 'alive' than anyone else I knew. They were smarter, wiser, stronger. And now, within the past few months… suddenly, this. I'm scared because when they die, what will I do? Where will I go? I want a job, I want money to support them, but without me they're home alone, they forget, they get lonely and scared… it makes me want to cry. I want to be there for them NOW, not wishing I had been when it's too late. I'm trying to sell things. There's a few things I can sell. I know commissions are always an option but I need to burn through whatever weird fear is surrounding art, first. I think it's fear of "being used?" Which is dumb. I can say no to any commission I don't feel comfortable with. Except I never did in the past, and oh we regret that badly some nights. Ah well. The past is the past.
The other thing is that I don't want to become a corporate slave or whatever, not sure on language. I can't sell things to people. I can't lie anymore, I can't. Is that weakness? To recognize that I would not be able to properly hold a certain store job or role, because it would require me to build a false persona? I DO NOT want that happening again. It's tough enough with this lack of life lately, this emptiness of self. Is that better? They say that before you hit real joy you have to hit rock bottom. What is this? Don't you dare tell me it's "not bad enough" yet, I shouldn't have to go that far, should I?
Should "religion" hurt this much? Badly, not the good fire. This is the "is there any way out of this self-wrought hell or am I hopeless" feeling. I'm reading too much. Stop. Stop this stupidity. Stop.
I'm learning a lot from what I'm reading. I have to let go of that old mindset. The real problem is that there is so much, and most of it is frightening, overwhelming. I look at the amount of stuff I have to read, see pages upon pages, want to cry from frustration. It's ridiculous. Why this weakness?
I'm reading up on Hinduism again and I'm having some significant thoughts.
My daily "worship practice" has been hit-and-miss for too long. I used to forsake the idea of rituals, thinking them "obligatory" and therefore tedious and empty, but really, that just means my motivation was missing. All true "rituals" for spiritual purposes should be an expression of love. That's the heart of it. Chants, exercises, prayers, et cetera-- if it is not motivated by pure love for God, or whatsoever you may call That, then it is not really "worship." Then it is empty obligation. I want to go back to daily rituals that I have built, personally, out of true love and devotion. This ego will be conquered, but it must be conquered without hate, or fear, or anger, or bloodshed. Yes, this is a "war" and I must continue to "fight" and never give in-- I must never give up-- but it is a war that only Love can win. That is the truth. I've realized that lately too. All my striving, all my desperate hopes and efforts to "be good" and "stop sinning" et cetera, has been motivated mostly by fear. That's not working, of course. All fear does is feed fear. I was making myself sick, focusing only on "bad" things, on flaws and failures and falling short of what I felt I should be. I wanted to be "worthy of God," but all my thoughts were being drowned by the devastating thought that I "was unworthy." How can I achieve anything when such a breach is present? I need to drop the fear altogether. Of course I still feel unworthy. In a sense I really am. There's so much stuff between me and my truest inner nature, all the buildup of the ego. But it's illusory, I must remember that. Conquer it, discipline myself, but all that fear and failure isn't real, in the end. Love. Love is the true motivation and the true action. If I start living from love alone, love for God above and God within-- then I will no longer feel distraught and lost and worked to the bone. Then my worship practice will be true worship.
make list of things that cause a kneejerk shame/guilt/fear reaction, from least to most, ESPECIALLY around things you treasure/ like/ love in life, afraid of judgment/ condemnation/ demonization, etc. write down negative messages, then positive reinforcements, "this is why the negative isn't true"
why are we looking for sugar? even though we hate it? "you're not being sweet to me." internal anger, self-hatred, wanting it to change via punishment. we need internal sweetness, but we are not giving it, out of self-hatred having any outside is heavily damned and punished severely so this bleeds over
wednesday, end of may or early june driving home in the fog with chaos, dashboard said 333.8 as soon as I realized what I was feeling. steam on road, failure of language, problems with guilt, feeling "at home" for the first time in ages. realizing I'm miserable because my inner life and outer life are not syncing. if I have to keep censoring my inner life, if I cannot bring who I am outwards, if I cannot mesh the two, I will be miserable. I keep feeling guilty for loving people, like I should be ashamed of being "my own person"
saturday in early july? after june 25. went out shopping, train started going by in front of us. waved at conductor, he waved back
obligation problem: "why do you want to be in a relationship" "because that's what you do. if you love someone you HAVE to be in a relationship with them, or you are actively rejecting them in malice." BUT demanding "detachment" from all relationships, hating closeness? remember most relationships data debris are negative and FALSE. obligatory programming. LET GO. anything with "have to do" "supposed to do" with this causes abyss of anger, sadness, frustration
big synchronicity day at the library, despite it being a very negative morning-- randomly found sea book, everything was the ocean. "part of creation within you," drops of water. evaporation, condensation, etc.
grandmother with excess food, "well we have to use up all these cans…" WE INTERNALIZED THAT TOXIC MINDSET and we are mirroring it back to her!!! if life is abundant, both good and bad is in abundance, you will NEVER "USE IT ALL UP" OUR MINDSETS ARE OPERATING FROM A PLACE OF LACK, we think we can deplete things grandpa has this too, overcompensating? WE HAVE TO BECOME ACTIVELY AWARE OF THIS AND START CHANGING IT
two hacks in two days god this hurts why won't it stop
I don't know why I'm writing this down. I've been sobbing for five minutes and Knife is holding me, trying to comfort me, but I'm too sick and tired to do anything right now. I want to play Dishonored. It'll get my mind off things, I'll learn more of the story. But my grandmother keeps shaming me, "your brother is disgusted with you," since he apparently has claims on using the television and everyone moves to accomodate him. I don't mind that, that's fine, it's just that if I exhibit the exact same behavior or idiosyncrasies I get shamed for it. He gets justified, I get scolded. The unfairness bugs me, is it unfair? Why am I still so bitter about it? Because, I want to change to be better, but I hit a paradox wall with this: if no one but me has to change in order to "do right," what exactly is happening here? I don't know. I don't know and it makes me sick. I just want one, maybe two hours on there, saving my assassins from the Overseers, learning patience and precision. That's not wrong, is it?
Knife has me wearing his cross necklace. It's still as comforting as I remember it being. I'm profoundly grateful. We also recieved some lovely messages from friends online lately, just want to mention that while it's in my mind. We're never sure how to respond but every word is treasured. It's keeping me afloat right now, those words, that brightness.
My whole face hurts. Is that from crying? I don't know. My stomach hurts and my legs hurt and I feel like metaphysically vomiting and that is the worst feeling, let me assure you, it's psychic toxicity and it makes me feel like I'm dying. Self-care hasn't been good lately. I apologize. No one's been around though, it's a self-perpetuating curse, too much sickness on any level keeps good people out, which makes the illness worse, etc. We need someone who is brave and indifferent to do this job. We need someone who won't feel totally trapped by fronting in a body that is struggling to run right that day. Why is that so hard to do? It's scary, a physical form, one with a life of its own, one with old voices tied to it as well. But it's not evil. We know that now. We have to take care of it better. It's not at fault at all.
I'm so tired of bleeding. Do I have to bleed again today, for this? Knife says I don't, that maybe my tears will work well enough, but I see the pained compassion on his face and know that he's just as torn as I am. God I don't know, I am so sorry, I slipped, I didn't catch this was happening until it was far, far, far too late.
I keep thinking about our daemons in the System and it makes me want to sob because Infinitii really is my darkest half, as well as my brightest mirror, God it is absolutely heartbreaking, are they all like this? So much I always glossed over. So much. Ze is a walking time bomb, poor creature, poor beloved thing, you are my greatest fears and greatest loves, what the hell do I do with you? What the hell do I do with you? I don't know. I love you, but I've tasted the edge of hate around your name and I've spat it out. I will never hate you. You could shred me to pieces and I could not find it in my bones to hate you. Perhaps that is my sole saving grace here. Perhaps my self-destructive undying adoration towards you will ultimately reflect back towards the rest of me, the splintered parts, the ones that hold the filthiest and most terrible things. I'm not allowed to, I'm bleached-white on my worst days, but I carry threads nonetheless. Core have bloodlines, and too much of it has been spilled.
There's too much to think about and write about and I am aching to but it is too late to do so. My brain just wants to cry until it collapses. It's minor shock, it always is, my memories get mangled and I'm never allowed to see what happened, good, I don't want to. But I can't stay in the body well either. It shakes, it spasms, it rejects itself. I feel sorry for it. Should I? Does it care when this happens? I don't know. We do. The daemons do. Part of me starts to say "I wish I knew who was responsible for this" but it's all reflected in Infi's eyes. Ze's the one cursed with this. The Tar carries it just the same. It's black, black as the night, black as pitch in your throat, cradle songs and broken teeth... it's ridiculous. This is ridiculous, why do I always end up tangled in love with the most vivid paradoxes, with the ones whose souls are split in brilliant halves? The god of destruction and creation, the prince of life and death, the knight of torture and healing, this demon of love and... and God knows what. I don't. Intimacy, trust, closeness, paralleled with using those same things to rip you apart. It's horrid. It's the most awful, sickening thing I can think of. And Infi knows it. And Infi is it, somehow. Goddamn daemons. I'm sorry for the language, but it's the only thing this translates to. I love hir and I am so close to hating hir but I can't. I never will. I can't. It's too intense, too unconditional. It's a love that sees that twisted potential, the corruption lingering on the fringes, and only burns harder because of it. I know what you are nevertheless. This coal-dust, this charred ash caking your skeleton, I can see beyond it and I know it cannot tarnish you. It's a love that wants to burn that soot away. And it can, it just... in the process, it spreads. It chokes. It's not a clean healing, at all. It gets into the air, it gets into your lungs, under your fingernails, into your eyes... that's the risk, that's the bloody risk, are you willing to become so utterly inundated with filth that you can't remember what came before it, because maybe-- just maybe-- you'll become immune, untouchable, impervious? Maybe you'll become a creature that can walk through the mineshafts unharmed, forgetting that once you were a canary. Can you really rewrite your nature? My feathers are falling out. What am I talking about. Infinitii is dangerous, God knows ze is dangerous as hell. But that paradox calls to me. God help me, it calls to me and my heart just... can't refuse. Infinitii is something utterly beloved to my soul. Where did all this dust come from, dear, how did you get so scuffed up? Who threw you out into the cold? Was it me? In the end, there is no good and evil, there is only something greater, something that holds both of our halves together with love. In the end this, too, will prove to be a blessing, a gift, a treasured memory. Despite all things... look at our past, look what pieces stand out, jagged as knife wounds but sparkling in the rising sunlight. That's hope enough for tonight. Words make no sense. I don't think I'm seeing straight. This is a mindspill in its own right, maybe more of a heartspill, from one bruised and shaken for a short time.
Hacks. They frighten me, but I am so numb... repetition will do that. I don't like feeling so torn-apart when they happen. My identity cannot stay stable in the wake of one, there are too many anchors to too many others. I apologize if I'm speaking with anyone else's words here, without identification. Everything is a blur. But I'm not dead, we're not dead, the Retributors are still alive, Wreckage is watching out, Knife is standing guard. Laurie doesn't do that job anymore, but... but she is still something they cannot touch. I hope. God I hope so.
I kind of feel like crying now, the kind of crying a kid does when they're lost and terrified. It's a sort of borderline hysteric, deeply sorrowful, muffled thing. How can the body express that? It's like the whales, those dying whales, as soon as I saw it hanging there I told Daud I couldn't do this. Some awful tone shot through my heart like a blue-green mourning and words would never do it justice, I turned away in tears and had to stop myself from shaking. Damn it but why. Why are people still capable of such cruelty, of such inhumane numbness, the incapacity to see the life there and the ability to drain it dry of all its red, all its water, all of it--- I could barely finish that mission. It took me too long. I was so tired by the end, I dragged myself out of that building, glassy-eyed. They are burning the whales. More than that, what does that say for us now, hearing it at this time, what faultless behemoths are being butchered in our own head? Who is being bled empty, who is being cut to pieces and sold to others, justified in the name of progress... who is hanging on hooks and singing a dirge to the very ones who put blades into its flesh? I'm rambling now. There's too much swirling in my head, too much raw emotion. I don't understand any of this. Laurie, Laurie where are you, who are you know, what am I, who am I? I know you still care, but I haven't seen you, and I don't remember. You're a fog. You're lightning cutting through that fog like a laser beam. You are something detached from me lately, like a statue of the divine, like some ancient untouchable piece of art, some violently benevolent deity, a force of rage and light. You'd never call yourself as such, but you'd listen to me say it, the way you always do, never blocking me out. You listen. And you don't say anything but you know. How much do you know, that I won't even let myself look at? Just how much are you aware of, even though the System bans you from knowing things that your friends and allies were born from? When did I talk to you last? Why is it so difficult, to embrace your existence, to admit you are real, to admit that I still love you but doubt is choking me and I am so, so sorry that it's not over yet. Doubt is killing me. Is it doubt? Or is it surrender? How can I tell?
Two hacks in two days. It's so quiet. Infinitii was in tears, too many tears, it was like the sky had split open. Every Retributor had their hands on a blade, surrounding this hollow body, whatever happened I don't know but there are rivers of black blood on our legs, crying out with every movement, a reminder of prices paid. I want to vomit. I want to stop vomiting. I want to tap back into butterfly-wing iridescent joy again, it's right there, I can feel it, right around the corner. I can see it glowing like light through a window at dawn. But it's 90 degrees out of sight, hidden around a doorframe. Why am I standing, staring into the gloom beyond? Am I waiting for it to light up too? Am I afraid that if I look at the glow, I will never be able to move again? Maybe. I don't want to budge, once I've seen it. It's euphoric. I can't find a balance yet. What's the trick, there has to be something we haven't tried. Is it me? Why is it so hard for me to stick around? Word salad. I need to stop typing. Sorry about all this.
I am very, very tired. Sleep is calling me. I'll see you later.
First off I've been feeling odd feelings about the previous entry. It needed to happen, that is true. That sort of thing has been boiling under the surface for months, never abating, no matter what was done or not done. However last night I dreamed about it, that Mel-- the person I was writing to/about-- was talking really angrily/ depressed at me about it? And I didn't understand why they were so bitterly offended, but they were, so I tried to calmly sit down and explain it to them. Anyway that's how I feel. This person, in the previous entry, who I am having trouble dealing with in the waking-- they are a super nice person, extremely talented, very brave, unfailingly determined, just an incredibly good person. But we haven't been "friends" for... four years? Were we ever really friends? See, I don't remember. I don't know who was the core way back when we knew them, assumedly. And that's a huge part of the problem. No matter how nice a person Mel is, we don't remember them, and our friendship is just unfixable at this point. There are too many gaps, too much is missing. It's in tatters and the glue will not hold. I can feel that, objectively, and it's about time I just shrugged and let it go. I'm driving myself mad trying to make a coat out a few frayed threads. We will never be able to rebuild what we allegedly had, not from where we are now. And even more importantly, right now, I feel that I don't need to. I feel that I shouldn't. That is not what I need now. They are not what I need. No offense, it's just a truth. The time they had a role to play in my life ended two years ago, and the foothold is gone now. That's over, the river has moved on, and I'm okay with that. Time moves, life flows. I'm thankful for what happened, for what let us grow, and now here we are somewhere else. The problem is, I don't know what this is like on their end. Mel says a lot, that we inspire them, that we are a light to them. And that's lovely, I'm very glad we can be that for them. But why couldn't we continue to do that distantly, disconnectedly, without the emails and messages and things? Mel and I could never converse face-to-face, or in messages. It never worked. That's why our visit to SLC collapsed. We couldn't function on that level. And that's just how it was. So I'm cutting the threads. But do they need them? I guess it's not my problem. I hope it's not, because I don't have the strength to shoulder their problems anymore. "Is that selfish?" I wonder, as always. Is it though? They looked to me for support. It was apparently fine, two years ago, when they knew us as people in a screen. Then they stopped reading, and now out of the blue they come to us again, trying to talk to us directly, saying they need us. I don't understand and it's confusing and I feel awful, because I can't do things this way but what if this is the only way for them? That's why this isn't working. There's no harmony. I'm trying to compromise but that's not working either. It's in tatters. It's over, let's go. We haven't lost anything, really, and that's why I'm at peace here. I know Mel's losing nothing by letting us return to how we've always been, where we can still help them and others without burning ourselves out. And they have so many good people in their life, far better people than us. I'm happy knowing that. I guess, we'll always be here to listen, that's what I should say. They can tell us anything, as long as they do not demand a formal-letter response in return because we can't do that anymore. They can come to us as a listening ear and that's fine. But we can't do the talking anymore, not now at least. We don't know how. Sorry, if that's the right word. It's more of a... "I'm sorry that came out so raw and ugly and pained. I didn't know how else to say it. But I'm thankful it was said. I meant no harm to you and wish you well." Does that work? I really do. We all do.
We're letting go of that entire block of time in our life entirely, actually. It's for the best. We don't remember 2007 through 2009, 2010 is in fragments, 2011 didn't include them at all, and 2012 is missing but fragments linger there too. Anyway it was not a good time for us, everything tied to Utah and those people (who are good people! we were just not in a good state of mind when we knew them). So honestly, now that we're in a place where we CAN let go of it in peace and gratitude and happiness, without any pain or regret, then let's do it! It's about time! It's freeing, really. All of that was like a weight. Too many expectations and associations that we felt chained to, just bad energy residue. Let it go. It played its part.
Jessica has been causing the most trouble of anyone lately. Every time we hear her name she gets triggered, and that's happening oddly often lately. Jess is full of angry hate and self-loathing, as you know, and she screams all the time. She's VERY hard to handle because her vibe is so primal and harsh. You can't suppress it or it explodes. You can't ignore it because it keeps burning the house down. All you can do is dissociate entirely, so entirely that the distance pushes her far away enough for the feeling to dim out. Then slowly you bring consciousness back, figure out where you are and what you're doing, and then move on. It's tough, but it's the only things that works. Total instant unplugging. Dead-eye zone. The fogbanks. That's hir role, really; numbess can be very beneficial when used correctly. Today was the first we heard from Jess since surgery, which was surreal, because it's been so peaceful without her around. We had a near-breakdown from the shock of it, but we're cool now. Simeon's words keep sticking with me, what he said about me, that's resonating and I don't want to let him down so I'm keeping the peace.
What have we been doing lately... Surgery was on Friday. We talked about that, all we can remember. As for everything else, there is only one word: DISHONORED. We bought it for the Xbox (which is ours now, yessir, the boys bought a new one) and we have been playing since Friday night. Our beloved friend E recommended it to us and oh man are we ever glad they did. It is amazing. I've been trying to put into words just why that is for me, and it's coming in pieces; we're not done with the game yet, but so far there is so much relevance that is so easy to miss, it's not surprising though. Spoiler warning, let me just ramble about this now. Things I love and/or things that are personally relevant about Dishonored so far... 1. E pointed out the "glowy oceany solitude" that has caught our eyes unfailingly since the start of the game, such as in the oil lamps and the fact that it's a coastal town. That vibe is so lovely. I want to learn more about the whales though. I really do. 2. The game also has this general atmosphere of space and quiet that is perfect, even in the creepy places. It is exactly what my dreams are like, it is how headspace is built. Just open space, potential paths, and the ability to move through it all as a ghost if one so wishes. I am such a wanderer at heart, and being able to do that unfailingly in this game, in fact being encouraged to... it's bliss. I can sneak through an entire town, taking three or four hours, and no one will see or hear me. I will hop from rooftop to rooftop, I will creep through the canals, I will pass through abandoned houses, and the entire time I will leave no trace of myself but absence. And I love every moment of it. That brings us to point three! 3. I didn't realize until today, that Corvo's manner is oddly how I prefer to live-- not just the free, unfettered wandering, but also the related taking. Pocket change on the floor? It's in my pockets now. Food on the table? That's my breakfast now. Ammo strewn about, notes left out, all open territory for me. I read every book I can open, I listen to every audiograph. Basically... I take from the void. Put something into that neutral ground, into that space where the player character can touch it, and I will do so with gratitude. And that is how I live in this house currently, or at least how I prefer to when I can, between jobs. I get my money from pocket change and generosity. I get my food from what is left out, or given to me. I live on scraps and abandoned things, but I love it in a way. I think it's because I can't exactly live in the woods and have what I need growing or available all around me already. I have this odd deep yearning to be so free and independently dependent on the world to provide. It's hard to put into words, but really... Dishonored got the vibe down perfectly. I enjoy it so much. 4. Funny bit: on the mission with the Boyle party, if you get into the doorman's post in the back, there is stuff left out on tables. So naturally I walked in, looked around, and what do I see but an apple on the table. My health was a bit low, so sure, I grabbed it-- and immediately the doorman goes, "my apple! Who do you think you are!" Honestly I started laughing so hard I was wheezing, it was the funniest thing in the world. That apple was not in neutral territory, though-- I was in this guy's space, that was his lunch, honestly I shouldn't have taken it (and I didn't, ultimately-- I rebooted that save and left his apple in peace). Still I keep giggling at that. 5. Also Samuel is my BFF, he's my favorite character so far. He's a real sweet dude. Also he fits one of my favorite character aesthetics/ attitudes, whatever it actually is, but I have a weak spot for gruff but not super-masculine older guys, as well as people who are that nice in such a simple undemanding way. He's an old sailor and he sleeps in a boat for heaven's sake, it's adorable. I want his sideburns. 6. The Void. I don't know much about it yet, but if Infi and Chaos teamed up to make a floating realm it would look exactly like that. It's this glowy blue place, utterly defying physics, water and whales floating in the air... located nowhere and everywhere, outside of time but holding all of it. And the Outsider, geez, I don't know much about him yet but he's intriguing. "Not good or evil," pitch-black eyes, surroundedn by starry smoke, arcane powers that some call black magic... and described in-game with the following: "the one who walks here is all things. Cradle songs of comfort and bones gnawed by teeth." I adore that quote. But that's all Infi's sort of thing, really. And the Tar's. So that's relevant. But we shall see how this plays out. 7. Speaking of the Tar, there's a plague in the city. Yeah. Specifically it's a rat plague, a sickness put there on purpose, for what one claimed was "good intent" but which could never live up to that. Those stricken become shuffling, bleeding monsters, losing their sanity to brain fog and suffering... and I cannot forget how Laurie reacted in 2009 or so, when her anchor begin to slip. She bled too, she fell ill too, just like this. Call it a stretch, but I'm seeing Tar/Plague relevance in that whole disease. Anything to keep us aware... 8. The first item you get from the Outsider is a heart. A literal freaking heart, thanks Outsider for making me hilariously flustered right off the bat. It's so unusual though. It's not dead or alive-- it's all stitched up, and inside it are wheels that glow and move, when it senses certain items... bone charms. Carved bits of whalebone, tied to the Outsider, sensed by this Heart. And the Heart can talk to you telepathically, somehow, telling you secrets about where you are or who you're with. And I love it it is the coolest concept even if it's terribly distracting for obvious reasons. 9. I also want to learn more about the relation between the Abbey of the Everyman and The Outsider, more details really, as I find spiritual philosophy very interesting and this one is fantastically gray. That whole religious bit feels a lot like my own personal struggles in the matter, especially as of late. I'm sure I will learn something from it by the end. Oddly this game is hitting me more through osmosis; I'm soaking it up really, no huge shocks like I usually get from games. But the constant absorbing feels fantastic too. 10. About those bone charms again. They are so interesting to me, those and the runes. Lately in the game I'm finding plague victims gone mad from these charms, protecting and venerating them to extremes, at the cost of their own health and sanity. The charms often end up in shrines, beautifully strange things, all indigo curtains and glowing lamps. They glow with a black vapor, and they make this odd sound somewhere between scraping and singing. Really weird stuff like that is totally my cup of tea, especially on a personally symbolic level-- since my childhood I've been oddly obsessed with the intersection of raw intimate life and the ethereal, overwhelming awe of magic and divinity. Stick them together and I am hooked. The thought of Corvo wandering around with darkly enchanted pieces of whalebone in his pockets, carrying those magical relics of a once-living thing, rattling about and humming in the dark... it's great. Sorry for all the vague language, I just love this game. 11. Nothing else to say for now except that I am currently on mission #7 (biggest plot twist ever wtf) and I still haven't touched all the downloadable content so there is a lot to do yet, thank goodness.
Let's see, it's almost 1AM. It's AUTUMN and the woods outside is all golden yellow, I swear I will find a working camera and take pictures for you tomorrow. It's too beautiful. Our neighbor says I am welcome to come over and pick apples next week (once we get our surgery staples out), and although I'm definitely going to (apple picking is my first memory actually), I'm iffy because the body keeps getting sick from fruit. Still! But we have a theory that it's only fresh stuff, so we'll see if that applies. Either way next week we will get apples. It'll be great. My father also brought me a ton of vegetables straight from the local farmer's markets, which I am deeply thankful for. I can't drive for at least another week, plus that stuff adds up, so I appreciate it more than I can say. I got carrots and broccoli and beans and cucumbers and squash and all sorts of things, which is awesome. My dad is just awesome in general, really he's what I aspire to be. He visited me in the hospital post-surgery, visited me at home both days on the weekend, and called to check on me on Monday and Tuesday as well. My mother called once today, and was at the hospital to see me as she had work that day and she works there. Nothing bad against my mother, she's more stressed and scatterbrained, but even when she wasn't she was never really a mothering type. I don't even know what a 'mother' would be like, hilariously. But I'm not too comfy with the "smothering closeness" that parental title elicits in my head anyway, so having a distant but unconditionally helpful father works well enough. Still, my mother is just as fantastic in her own right-- plus she at least ganks her boyfriend's garden vegetables to give to me when she can, and I must thank her for that because then I get free beets and that is boss. But back to the weather! I went walking outside for about an hour today, and at one point I was thinking about Dream World typecodes again... I apologize for the lack of updates on League stuff lately, I just really needed a break from the sheer data mountains. The typecodes are arguably the worst! But it's coming together slowly, it's a lot less complicated than I thought, which is a HUGE relief. I was thinking too much, making it too complex. One thing I've learned is that Dream World is shockingly intuitive as far as worldbuilding function goes, something which Vezerai taught me years ago ironically. Even for me, it's so much easier to feel how typecodes work, and how Power Jewels work, and what it's like to do this or that, as opposed to thinking about them, or trying to explain them in words. Which poses a problem here! But images could work. If I could figure out how to structure images, to catch more of that feeling, it could work. I'll try in any case. Also you know how for a few months my personal Jewel Monster form overlay has been a green Kaiteo? Well my coloring has changed to the autumn orange form, which I found pretty awesome. My wings are blue now! Oh yeah and on that note, blue Kaiteo (the winter coloration) have longer hair than the other colorations. However, Sikeiru is a blue Kaiteo with very short hair. Why is that? She trims it! I had no idea, no wonder she feels punky, that's adorable.
I have been remembering my dreams lately. I keep a voice recorder by the bed now so as soon as I wake up, I get a stream-of-consciousness record down (writing was too slow and too detached from memory). I haven't put any into homefive yet because honestly I've been avoiding the computer, and it takes hours to transcribe my longer dreams sometimes, which is exhausting. But I don't want to slack off, so once I'm entirely done with my first run of Dishonored I'll do it, hehe. I'm sorry but I don't want to totally shift my focus mid-game, you know how my brain goes all-or-nothing. But that's why I brought up dreams. I have literally been dreaming in the style of that game since Friday. The atmospheres match, my movements and actions match, the people I meet match. It's a little unsettling when I wake up (it's a bit of a dark vibe of course) but it's fascinating nonetheless. Last night, I dreamt that I was being tracked by this mob of guards/ Overseers who wanted to kill me, as I had allegedly committed some act of treason or blasphemy and I must die. We were by my house and the only way I could escape fast enough was by sliding down the back hill, down towards the place where wolves usually are in dreams. I reached the bottom and started jump-running to cover more distance, making it over the river and expecting to have to go back up the other side of the hill to the road... but there was no hill. It opened up into open sky, a sheer cliff drop, and the sea. I paused, then leapt in, and was out safe. But the sea! There has NEVER been water there in dreams, not an ocean, not in my life. It was always the road, always that road where people would die or get lost. Never an ocean, never deliverance and freedom. So that feels significant too.
...There's a line that the Heart says to you in Dishonored, which has been playing repeatedly in my head since I heard it. "Their fate rests on your effort... on the strength of your hands, and of your heart." I cannot get it out of my mind and I am glad. Nothing could be more relevant to life right now. Headspace has been quiet but not empty lately. The video games have changed the focus, but no one is gone, or distant, which is a big distinction and an important one. I've seen absolutely everyone in the past week at one time or another, which feels amazing. Visuals are clearing up again too, as are vibes. I'm still spending my nights with Laurie and Chaos and Infinitii, but Genesis is taking time off as his job is daytime guidance and I haven't been going out for him to do so. I also haven't seen much of Xenophon due to the pervading mindset wars over that, which I am going to have to get unflinchingly gutsy with sometime soon, too. Just like the previous entry, but this time focused around the stress and dissonance of parental titles and family programming. It is honestly driving me insane because I won't fully face it, as I'm afraid of upsetting someone else. I need to take that risk now. I really do, I cannot be a good father or anything to Xenophon if I won't admit to myself and her that the very word makes me want to run. Things need to be cleared out... let's do it, as I said before. I think Eros is being pushed into the main Cerise slot, by the way. He's getting clarified and his color keeps lightening. We'll see. Sherlock is helping Laurie more actively, Waldorf is talking to me more, she got one hell of an anchor boost from this whole game thing and the events prior... things are good. I wonder how Sergei and Hyakinth are though, I don't think they've ever seen summer and I'm curious as to how they'll react to it. Oh and lastly we got Knife to switch his metal cross necklace out for one more like this, and he loves it. Wear your color with pride, man. My boss has been around again too, off and on. Bad voices kept trying to imitate him for a while, but his vibe is unmistakable. I know when it's really him.
It's 1:11 AM, the universe keeps tossing numbers at me. That has meaning assigned to it by me, and it keeps happening despite the tough parts, which feels hugely comforting and reassuring. We saw 11:11 during that near-breakdown tonight. I think maybe it was meant for Jessica, as hope. She needs it too.
...Speaking of synchronicity, maybe? I'm listening to Creature by Mesita right now, which I swear was written specifically about Chaos and I, as it is too perfect and you will not convince me otherwise. And the concluding words begin like this: "we don't have to do anything, we can stay in bed all day..." I can barely remember the mornings when CZ and I would wake up and then just lie there together, in that floating place between sleep and the waking, where dreams melt into each other and the subconscious sings aloud. It's a dangerously beautiful place, but we used to just be there, quiet and perfectly content with everything, untouchable by anything that could harm us. Tomorrow my grandparents are going to be at a doctor's appointment, and so the house will be quiet for a few hours. Maybe we should sleep in, for a little while, and remember. I just... the tides, the notes, are catching on my heart a little, and lately I haven't felt much of anything that I can remember so maybe I need this. Caught up in a wave, and it can't be stopped. Our relationship has been odd lately. We need distance between us, of a sort, that we've accepted. I'm aromantic and I can't do the relationship" thing, but Jewel did, and Chaos learned from her. He was full-on empath mode for years and he picked up on so much from her. With that Ruby in his chest, he will always be warmer and brighter than I "remember," when I'm only looking at his canon past, pieces from a decade ago, forgetting that time didn't stop for him like it did for a large part of me. But something in my heart keeps floating back towards him, and I'm not going to fight that either, even if the space between us feels like the void right now. There's so much space, so much emptiness. I'm not sure how to love anymore when there's nothing to work with. And yet... here I am. Here I am, trying, and feeling aqua-fragile truths in those notes nevertheless. Whatever this is, it's real somewhere, somehow.
On that note, everything in this tag is either about us or me specifically. Yes I went through all of it. I told you this game is important, haha. Honestly I am excited.
Now really, Corvo and I both need to get some rest because tomorrow we're gonna go visit Daud and who knows what's going to happen. See you then~ *jumps out through the window*
today was one of those days that "feels like a short film." stream of consciousness notes so i don't forget
got up early. tired, cold. almost no recall of that time period.
then, i remember sitting on the hood of our car, where my grandmother goes to get her hair cut on fridays, and i was reading dune. it was sunny out and the wind was rattling the aspens like paper. a butterfly flew by me and a grasshopper did too. there was this little iridescent bug that kept landing on the edges of my book. it was really pretty. then i reached page 331 and everything was about death and life. i was deeply moved by it. it taught me a lot, it made me think. spoilers: up until this scene, jamis had been presented as rash, angry, harsh. then this scene, his funeral, had his tribe telling of his life, all the good he did, why they considered him a friend. it offered glimpses into this man's life, an honorable, brave, and kind man we would never get to know in such a way. it was humbling, and eye-opening. i felt a lot like paul. one line stood out in particular. "themeeting between ignorance and knowledge,between brutality and culture-- it begins in the dignity with which we treat our dead." that struck me because i realized, i don't always do that? i treat death too lightly, too apathetically. maybe i'm too empty lately. but i see a death, and shrug, and move on. i don't quite understand the fuss and ritual and ceremony attached to death. is that bad? all i know is that this funeral scene struck a chord with me, and that quote. even if i didn't understand funerals, that recognition of his blessed existence was meaningful enough for me. if that is what it is to respect the dead, i shall do it, always. it all made me think very much of josephina and laurie. both deal the most strongly with death in our System, in different ways. both have great integrity, determination, and respect. both treasure life and protect it. and both see death the same way, as a transition, as something to be venerated. but both handle aspects of death itself in different ways. josephina is darker than laurie in that respect, now. laurie carries much of the pain of it, the knives. jo carries the scythe, and he carries bells. either way it was deeply intriguing, really an inspiring read
went home. i ran a bit, then assumedly ate
exercises while reading dune again. there was a lot of noise from the family as soon as i started, which was frustrating, but i tried to shift my focus away from that consciously. i think i subconsciously believe "i am not allowed to enjoy things in peace" which is why the house will be dead quiet until i try to read, or eat, or the like. and i get frustrated because it's not what i really want. i've been realizing that lately and trying to fix that mindset.
ate again at 6, 7. better effort.
exercise (walking) at 9? mum put pumpkin ceramic lights on the piano so i lit two of them, one of them has memory-roots in childhood (where there is no vision) so it felt odd, to see it there, and know it was older than me technically. but there was a feeling of great excited joy behind it, whatever is tied to october, which was nice.
had the ipod on for the first time in weeks, to walk. i felt unusually tired after a while so i sat down, SYNCHRONICITY happened. visions for most. unfortunately i was 80% 'floating' minded for it, and jayce/ jewel/ jess kept switching in and out, so there is little concrete memory. but i/we saw lots of headspace people. here are notes. song lineup went like this: "alone together" (daley) just sat and listened to this with chaos. it was tough at first, in light of events lately, but we had to be honest. kind of set the tone for everything after. "voiceless screaming" (x japan). markus and ryman, markus singing? unusual, haven't seen him in ages, didn't expect this. locked solid into visuals though, no blurriness. "feeling fine" (l'arc-en-ciel). chaos. he used to sing this one and others back in high school "the little i saw of cuba" (frost*) meditated, just sank into it "saline" (frost*) ryman sang. he usually does for this one "i love you in the open sea" (rifle recoil) chaos. obviously. very moving to hear this one again "maybe i'm just tired" (as tall as lions) markus again. this one had an emotional impact i remember "genesis (alternate ending)" (forgive durden) i remember at the end, they said "see you in the mirror" and that shocked me, because jayce had been out at the time. i forgot that was part of the words there were several other songs here, like "tears" (x japan) and "this love" (guns & roses) but really i just sank into them. i needed to
then, "there'll never be goodbye" (minako obata). xenophon showed up, recognized the song from metropolis, "that one sad movie" with tima that she remembers. jay fronted while she spoke to him, out of sincere concern, it was a very emotional conversation. at one point jay took her face in his hands to console her, but paused, began to laugh and cry. "i've never actually felt your face before." that was powerfully stored in the heart, actually reaching out to touch this creature that called him "father," never remembering having done so in his life.
"ashes of dreams (nuadhaich)" from NIER came on, we listened to that together too. she says, i have to beat the game sometime soon too.
then "song of rebirth" from klonoa started playing she smiled at me, said she was going to sing it, she did. cz ran in almost immediately, in shock, "xennie is singing?" sat down next to me, tearing up. i did too. we just listened, deeply moved.
that's all i remember in linear time BUT FIRST before jay showed up with xenophon, while we were listening to the "several other songs," there was a lot of old memory assessment going on with jayce and the old core-fragments? mostly looking at MU, jayce's house, slc 2012. checking visual map data, walking through old memories, trying to "feel" both how and who we were at the time. also checking for differences between spinny/ cannon/ jayce/ eros/ j and any possible others first, there are HUGE gaps in 2010 and 2012, shocking to see.
after looking at all these memories, our self-space felt "fluffy," huge and heavy. like we could not move, it was too dense like marshmallow. we asked for those memories to therefore be blessed and released. it abated soon after that
cz says he feels split too, memory problems between himself and "perfect" (2003-9??)
last, notes on day's "main fronters" (not sure what these mean fully as not sure who wrote them)
JEWEL==> trying to talk to laurie, said it felt weird to acknowledge headspace. super happy as always, DW inspired KYANOS==> spoke to minty and the archivists apparently. IS STILL 14. also still powerful fronter, no dissonance. JESSE==> cut off from headspace? autumn vibe. red hair and freckles. feels like a preteen, confused to his existence JESSICA==> "choco," SPICE JAYCE==> MASSIVE body insight! helped jess indirectly. dune ref
2009 is one of our most striking "lost years." We're mostly unsure who the heck was around during that time, but I want to solve it. There was a bad hack tonight, I'm in pain, I'm scared, and I'm cut off from headspace. I'm trying to stay optimistic though... "death isn't a curse." "This won't ruin you." "No one can ever touch you again." Things like that. I know there are people in this body, in this heart, who carry pain from that in the past... I don't know them, I'm stuck down here. That's fine. I'll do my job the best I can, and keep this away from them. This isn't Jay. I'm actually... closer to Cannon. I'm not the one they call Spinny, but I was around at the same time as them both. Maybe you can all call me Glissando, who knows.
Anyway. 2009. Let's see what we have. I feel very close to parts of this year. Like right now, I feel like I should be in the kitchen, typing this journal entry, getting ready for Marywood in the morning. Cannon feels very close to me, like an invisible sibling almost. And there are hints of the boys in here too, but from the future, from beyond my time. I'm old, early college years... I know Genesis, but who knows where he is right now. I'm tied to coffee shops and sketchbooks at night. More of a... photography feeling. A late night sadness, but with hope beneath it. Walking through the rain. But that's only part of this year, of 2009. Someone else was out during the day, online... some louder girl, someone we don't know. She's gone now, long gone as far as we know... so let me pick up these breadcrumbs once and for all.
JULY 2009
This picture is our main timestamp. She joined tweaktoday in July and we got some photos from it, markedly this one:
A photo of "jwl," but wearing Cannon's clothing. So we're not sure who this is, but it's the only photo we have of them from that time period.
The bookstore I loved. I didn't take this photo. I was never there in the morning. Honestly it's surprising to see the place so bright.
Whoever this person was, they were the LAST person to hold a lot of "old memories." They remembered some things from later childhood and the teenage years, which again suggests they were strongly tied to Spinny (which isn't surprising as they were a social fronter).
Sherlock here. Sorry for interrupting, I felt the data stream and was pulled in. This is notable. I see we have a new speaker.
Whoever was out in 2009 was also out in 2010, according to later tweaktoday stuff. That's shocking. Jayce was around during that time. He referenced "co-fronting" with at least one other person during that time. Obviously. That would be because NIER was in the life by that time. That's where the male anchor came from at last.
This was the TF2 phase. There's no memory of that, but here's some proof. Same with the Pokemania. There's list of a Celebi binge around that time. It was sold before we came to be, though. Yes. That's why we have no direct memory of it. That was pre-Scratch. What else is here...
There's the Todd Rundgren concert. Does anyone remember that? *shakes head* No. Which is sad, because it was marked as a fond memory. Does anyone else find it unsettling that so many memories are missing? That's what we're trying to fix here, obviously.
This is getting tangled. Oh-- no, this is important. That photo, right there. There was a third in the set which is missing due to overwhelming body dysphoria. Was that tied to the fronter? Apparently. This was Christmas 2009. The bloodline gender was shifting at the time. Ah. So mark that down.
Still a Celebi association in May 2010. I think we should do this on our own time. Wait-- there's our last big link. This song is relevant too. Hm. College? Yes. Thank you Kalisha, that is the exact memory this is tied too. There was an entry about that somewhere. Garrison? Yes sir-- right here, this one. Ah. Thank you. And I agree, let's let Glissando continue this on her own if she wishes. There's too much data to sift through in realtime.
That entry wasn't elaborated upon. Which one, the Tony Bennett one? Yes. She was sitting at a sunlit table to the right of the stairs... convinced that she was about to die. And singing. That is such a powerful memory, I can see it. Strange... that that one moment might be burned into our minds so clearly. Existential moments normally are. Thank you, Kalisha. Now let's take a break from this; this is really hurting my head. Too much information? Too much tangled information. We can't do this and think at the same time. I'm sorry. It's okay, Garrison, no need to apologize. Let's let this continue as it will. Good bye everyone!
...Whoever wrote the poetry during this time period was really damn good at it. They were the first boy, I think. First boy bloodline dude.
I have a few vague but powerful memories from around Christmas 2011, when Julie turned Pink and the God Tier phenomenon started and I got this perfect commission. We were starting to be more active online, and we were working more with the Leagueworlds simultaneously. We were also apparently selling things around that time... I know that happened, I have one or two flashbulb memories of selling the Care Bears; the laptop was in the hallway at that time, and we had a poster on the wall behind us from Spinny's lifetime. Then there's a big break... whatever happened then is missing. Then we have handwriting examples, and that feels close, but it belongs to whoever was directly before me. It's when Razor came back and everyone Underground surfaced... honestly the idea that the Undergrounders weren't around at some point is baffling to me, haha. I can't imagine a life without Knife! Just kidding, but seriously. That's weird.
Anyway I'm taking this poor girl's screentime away. She's trying to figure out 2009 apparently, looks like the Archivists were around too for a bit. 2009... let me look. She'll return once she catches an anchor, I have no ties to this stuff outside of the bloodline.
Geez, which boy was this? Eros was dead by 2012... he showed up in early 2011. We had white hair for the second half of 2011 so he was already shifting out by then... Oh, whoa, hold up, I just remembered. I hope I can find a timestamp for this. Back in the early Gen days, Cannon had Gamboge, or at least her early roots did. BUT there was a shift from her to whoever this Glissando person is tied to:
==> who was tied to before the solid NIER-induced gender shift in 2010.
Those are the ONLY visual representations we have from that time, so that's important! There's a better entry on the Cores I should post, it'll likely help.
Last bit of commentary... 2009 was the "late night/ early morning" year as far as I can feel it. Jayce had his roots in the Japanese chillout music in the early mornings (Nomak, Nujabes, etc.) and Cannon lost her edge to the late-night photo browsing and different music (Bon Iver/ Coldplay/ Max Richter). That's what this Glissando person is tied to, it seems.
In any case this is one heck of a complicated entry. I'll close this up for now; sorry for this random infodump. I guess we're just trying to figure out who's who, what with all these old triggers and worries coming up. We can't find the roots for most of them because the memory times are missing. So this is a good step in that sense. It's just that the old years feel bad. No one likes looking at them because they just feel ill, or unsettling. Like we don't need to sift through them. So let's not put more time towards this than we need to. This is reappearing so it can be healed and let go of for good... not held on to! There's no need or use for that. Okay, off I go.
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Important notes to close:
--The original Core known as "spinny c" was NOT the "work fronter!" We assumed she was for ages, but we were wrong. There was simply a lot of personality bleedover (submissiveness, people-pleasing) going on between those two states.
--There seems to have been a permanent "core split" with the original Jewel line (females) being tied to the outer world and the League, and the Jay[ce] line (males) being tied to the inner world and the System. This allows for proper, coherent function on both fronts without compromising health and sanity.
why are you angry at mel I don’t know find one thing. I think they are mocking me. they smile and I am ashamed and I hate them. why do you hate them? why are they mocking you? I don’t really hate them, I hate that I feel they are so much better than me and would never let me share in that? if that makes sense. like they had so much power and strength and I wanted to be the same, I want to be the same way, but I felt they were forbidding me? how was they forbidding you? by always running to me for only the negative. looking for support, showing me all this weakness. and I couldn’t balance that with their drive, their determination, their ambition. they were looking to you for support. they trusted you. I know, they still do. I don’t know why there’s so much bitterness towards them is it because of what they said when you left utah? when they said you "spat in their face," and did not care about them? even though you wore yourself down? maybe. I think the only reason I havent let go of that is because I believed it. and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy I think and that is terrifying. then let me say this. you did not spit in their face. you felt unworthy of their presence, and so you rejected their help, because you wanted to be as strong as they were and felt their help was forbidding you from reaching it. yes. I felt they saw me as less. as flawed. they did not. they do not. I see myself as flawed compared to them. and there is still bitterness because I feel I have to become them. I project that. I interpret every little thing they do as being intended for me to see. "look, look what I am doing and saying, why aren't you doing the same?" they went to a comic convention and it felt like a stab in the back. "look at what I am able to do! why aren't you doing this?" nevermind that I don’t even want to, I don’t like comic conventions. but it’s the FREEDOM, the SUCCESS, the INDEPENDENCE. I want to personify those things too, in a way good for me. and the guilt of feeling stuck is making me bitter towards them, as they are a beacon on all my flaws. so you do not hate them, you hate the self-loathing you project onto them. in them, you see an unreachable ideal that you want to reach terribly, and are told you are too weak. yeah. I need to forgive them. and myself. they did nothing wrong. I guess I just feel they are draining me. when they talk to me it feels manipulative? like why cant we talk about positive things, not drama and negativity. but we never really had anything in common. and there's a lot of bitterness too. "I need you! I need you!" making me feel sworn to them for years. and then they left without a word, turned back to them dozens of other friends, to their job, to their education. they never needed me, but I drained myself dry for them. and still they insist they needs me, and I am not getting anything from this. is that selfish? to want something from this? yes. I want to feel like they are a positive person in my life too. but they doesn't feel like it? and I cant tell if that's my fault or not. like they have nothing to offer me that I need, EXCEPT that they know and cares for the system… I think. so you only talk to them because they know your inner life. yes. but they does not speak of it like e^5 does. for mel it's not important. and that's fine. but I love the system more than I love myself. and mel doesn’t focus on them when we talk? I guess that’s why I'm sad. I listen to mel and try to help them, but I get nothing in return. I don’t want to be bitter or demanding. but this is draining me. what would you have to receive in return, to feel fulfilled in this relationship? real love. trust. a feeling that they cares about us as more than just an ear to talk into. they feel so terribly distant all the time. but that's probably my fault too. do you feel any need to reach out to them? no. we have little in common. it is hard to relate to them. is that wrong? why would it be wrong? because I feel like I have to be with them. and that makes me bitter. they were a friend once, but I don’t remember that, I don’t remember them. oh. maybe that’s it. I don’t know who they are, there is no connection between us, and our conversations are so robotic. so flat. there’s no genuine outpouring or openness in them. I would love to give that first but they offer nothing anymore. they say nothing about their people. they do not write poetry anymore. it's just jobs, and video games, and fandoms. I don’t know how to connect to them as a person. if I did I would likely not feel this bitter. you feel betrayed. yes. no. yes. I feel like they expect a friendship and yet never offer their hand. or they do, but then everything must be by their rules. I don’t know. it makes me sick to my stomach. I am trying to think positively of them but I don’t know them, I don’t remember them, what do I do? think about them with forgiveness. for now that is all you can do. rinse out the bitter scars with forgiveness. even if you don’t know them. practice seeing them as a child of the universe, practice seeing them as a child of god, just like everyone else. something is trying to stop me from doing that. why? why would they be separate? because… because I am projecting onto them. I am seeing them not as a person, but as an extension of my bitter past. of my cruel psyche. whoever was out in 2012, whoever stayed with them, feels stuck to them. whatever they said after we left, when they defined us as someone horrible to be around, as a poison to their health, it stuck. part of us cannot forgive itself for that. because it believes it. what would it take for you to let go of that, and believe you are better? …I don’t know. the past cannot be changed. if I was so cruel, so toxic, how can I change that? can I? lets say you cannot. say the past is as it is. can you move on? can you forgive who you were? its hard to forgive when I assume it was intentional. I cannot remember. if I was so malevolent a person, forgiveness feels like a wave of the hand. 'it's fine!' and it is not fine. to have treated them so wrongly is not fine. will hating your past self change it? no. sadly it wont. I keep thinking that if I crush it with enough guilt and shame for its actions, for its disgusting hedonism and selfish cruelty, it will crumble under the weight and die. and then whoever that person was will be no more. then what? would you be able to talk to mel? …only if they did not see me as that person still. is that what you think? yes. that may be the problem. in talking to them I have nothing to go on BUT that 2012 timeframe. and so I feel that I MUST be whoever we were back then. do you see? you do not have to be anyone. be yourself. how? if they do not know me, nor I them. be yourself. get to know them then. start over. do I forget the past then? what do you remember? is there anything to go on? very little. it's more obligatory than anything. tell me what you remember of them. they like the color yellow. they listen to empire of the sun and pentatonix. they like howl from the ghibli movie, and cillian murphy, especially his blue eyes. they keep tons of journals. there's the bitterness again, the feeling that "you should have been like them!! they are so much better than you!!" and the self-hatred pushed outwards, because I feel them associating with me is a forceful order from god or something TO imitate them. so you cannot talk to them without trying to become them. without tailoring myself to them exactly, yes. that is not safe or wise behavior. how do I be myself with them then? its too selfish. I cannot be myself and talk to anotthem person because my focus is entirely on my own progress and inner life. in order to talk to someone else, I MUST bleed out dry and take on their lives instead. I MUST empathize with them totally or I cannot focus on them at all. so it is all or nothing for you? yes. where do I draw the line? I do not know. oddly it’s the same when they take inspiration from me. which is weird. like when they used to keep journals, or now on tumblr. when they share my actions or interests, my gut reaction is "they are forcing my life to imitate theirs now. they are slowly taking these aspects onto themself and making them entirely theirs, until I will have no choice but to become them." why is this how I think? why do you feel you have to become them? or that they cannot share your interests without that occurring? is it simply the self =/= others paradox you have? probably. it’s like, "well if they like this now, I cannot, because then I will be taking it from them." and it feels like they are swallowing my life. which makes no sense at all. again, it's projected. it's self-loathing and they are, sadly, innocently, the mirror. but… mel is so fearless!!! they talk without being ashamed!! they present their opinions, their thoughts on things, and don’t censor or shame themself. but my brain intereprets that as "attention seeking," "drama maker," "demanding attention," et cetera. absolute narcissism. if I were to state my opinion the same way, I would get glared at, looked at disgustedly, "what's wrong with you?" "how dare you speak up." and it is so sorry, I am sorry. this is childhood programming. it is. and you still believe it. why? there are so few examples to the contrary, and so much emphasis on that self-condemnation. give positive examples to yourself. can you? or do you entirely believe that speaking your mind is "emotionally manipulative?" it doesn't have to be, but it's hard to tell if my motives are or not, because i give everyone else the benefit of the doubt and automatically assume i am "less," that my behavior is ALREADY wrong. that is false. give yourself more freedom. forgive yourself. mistakes are not a death knell. they were. they are. to this day, when i mess up, i am told "we will kill you for this." there is no third strike. this is russian roulette. you pick the wrong path, then you're gone. that's it. life is not like that. you must accept this. it is not one shot and then you're done. nothing grows that way. in my heart i know that. but, again, childhood programming. hellfire and black marks and all that. i know. so let us return to your thoughts on mel. how they are fearless in your eyes. they are. they speak their mind, and pursue their wants and dreams, and promote their work, utterly without fear. i couldn't do that without feeling like i was forcing it down everyone else's throat. "look at me! look at me!!" demanding and cruel and hateful. they aren't like that, but i only know that option from past experience. so i get confused. i project that onto them. then you must learn a different option. what is the first step we can take? well i'm posting more of my art online. i'm not asking for recognition, i'm just passively sharing. does that feel like forcing it on others to you? yes. just posting it feels like forcing it on others. so, in that train of thought, the only "non-selfish" thing would be to keep it to yourself? paradoxically. that's the stupid irony, because NOT sharing would be the REAL selfish choice. then remember that. i will have to. i just don't want to force anyone to do anything. are you? are you demanding it? i think subconsciously? i love my work, i have so much love and joy for this life, i just want others to feel that too. and, as a child i did not get that from my peers or family. i always only wanted to share, and it was never really felt. i just got the "smile and nod" response, mostly. the few times there was genuine interest-- like that one night my mum got so interested in dream world they was asking about elevolt, all on them own, i will never forget that-- those few times stand out like a sign from god. i treasure that. and maybe it is selfish, but i want that in my life. actively. constantly. it brings me pure joy, to share in that love. to SHARE in it. it is a group effort. i would not force anyone to love this. but if they do, then god willing, let us magnify it together. let's celebrate this. that is not selfish. i just think i'm forcing it. like i'm trying too hard. but that's likely due to a lack of self-credit again. a lack of contentment with myself. why? uh... because i'm just one person, maybe? because "happiness is only real when shared." it's a restlessness. does this tie into mel? yes. yes it does. and it's so hypocritical. i WANT to celebrate their stories and inner life with them, BUT they doesn't share much of it? yet? maybe they doesn't want to. maybe i can't relate to it as strongly as i want to. and that scares me. what if ultimately i cannot be the person they need me to be? do they truly "need you to be" anything? i thought they said so. maybe i'm trying too hard. again, maybe i feel i have no other choice. how much of your relationship with them is obligation? most of it. what if you did need to move on? what if they asked you to? would you be crushed under the guilt like you were in 2013? i hope not. why do you feel obligated to be their slave, even if they were to tell you strictly otherwise? because... i don't know. that power dynamic is older than i am. whoever met them first, in 2009 or whenever, that was the basis for our relationship. we were under their control. we had to be them. oh shoot do you think that was because of q? what? we were so terrified of losing his friendship. our only lasting friendship, the only one that had roots-- he knew about genesis, about chaos, about the jewel monsters. he knew about the things dear to our heart. we didn't know him, hell we had almost nothing in common, but we cared about him dearly from a distance nevertheless. we called him a friend. BUT we had no precedence for mel appearing in this. we thought, "now he has them, he does not need us anymore, it's over." all or nothing. that is the only recorded feeling for that time period. "i can't lose my only friend. i will do anything. i will become anything. just let us keep our friendship." i have no idea what resulted from it... but maybe that was the "idolizing" thing with mel. i'm getting confused. sorry. you feel that you view them, on the rawest level, as "someone to become." "someone to imitate exactly." maybe? subconsciously. like i said. but the bitterness is because of that probably. thinking that i cannot be my own person as long as they are around. i MUST be everything they needs. and the angriest part is that i WANT to be, i WANT to be everything for them, I HAVE to be... but why?? it's "wanting" in a "i have no choice" sense. i care about them, but..... i have never felt close to them. i don't know who they are. they talk like we're the closest friends on earth sometimes, and it confuses me, because there's this huge distance between us. they have so many other friends. we have no history together. why do i feel obligated to sacrifice my life for them? you don't have to. they say they need me. they need my support. i want to give it, entirely, that is true. but i am so angry, so confused, because... why? is it because part of you misses the days when they, too, knew what was dear to your heart? that's selfish. is it? yes. it's selfish as hell to want to talk about headspace and dream world for hours. so selfish. the only time it would not be selfish would be if they adored it, like i do, and wanted to talk about it. they doesn't. it's fake that way. forced. obligatory. and then it is empty and wrong and irreverent. what if they did love it? what then? then i would let THEM talk. that would be wonderful. i would love to listen. even if they just talked about their people. you want more than just them asking for a shoulder to cry on, then. no, even THAT would be better than this. i'm just listening to hurts and troubles i cannot do anything about. i feel powerless and frustrated. what can i do or say? and it feels so distant. maybe if it wasn't online. maybe if we were in the same room, maybe they'd let their walls down, maybe i wouldn't have to say anything in response and they'd still know i cared. i'm just not getting that right now. it feels shallow. i'm angry because i don't want shallowness. maybe i'm being a hypocrite. i don't know. i will ask again: do you want to rebuild a friendship with them? only if it is not one-sided. only if it has depth and sincerity. only if it's not so focused on the negative all the time. i cannot do this now, where i am just a therapist, not a friend. it feels too much like my mom. "this is why my life sucks. i am so depressed. you're such a good listener, i don't know where i'd be without you." and that's fine if it helps, really i'm glad, but... i get so tired being nothing but a listener. it's depersonalizing, if that makes sense? it does. there is no real output from you. i don't even want output, i want to feel like a person in relation to them. if they were talking about joy, about something that lit them up, then i'd feel real too. they'd be trusting me enough to share that. now, it's just like yelling at a wall. i don't know. i'm tired, i'm sorry. i don't hate them, i'm sorry for saying that at first. i hate the way i feel around them currently. it's not fair to them, they doesn't deserve that. but it's all internal stuff being brought out by them, things that need to be healed, and i thank them for that even if they doesn't know. would you like to continue talking about this? no, not now, i need to let this be and unplug my head from it. think positive thoughts, higthem vibration things. thoughts that don't make me feel nauseous and sick like this. i will instead "be the change i want to see." be who i want to be. if i am happy with myself, truly so, and respect myself, these problems will fall away on their own in due time. this is another mirror. if my reflection isn't presentable, then i must polish myself. then do so.
i am ashamed as hell to be saying anything like this here, but consider this a selfish-ass "cry for help" or something equally asinine. i dont understand where all this sickening shame and rage and utter despair is coming from but here it is the body keeps getting so sick, i am overwhelmed with self-loathing, why the heck cant i just "forget about it" and "get over it" like my family says. i really want to, but i hate myself utterly for even thinking that, because how do you separate the good from the bad? how do i forget about the shattering trauma without equally annihilating the system from my mind?? god i am so sad i want to vomit. feeling any sort of love for them feels utterly wrong according to what i've been taught. it's bullshit. the sheer amount of disgust i feel whenever i dare to admit "i enjoy my life with them in it" is enough to drive me to suicidal despair, and that is utterly stupid too. i feel like such a coward, an absolute fool why do i think that i have to delete all my emotions, all my thoughts and feelings, everything and anything that would give me a "self" or a sense of "individuality?" why do i feel like i will only ever be 'forgiven' is by becoming a desireless puppet for some alleged higher power? something claiming a holiness that i am incapable of ever achieving? don't ever disobey, don't ever fight back, don't ever question. "good boy." it makes me utterly sick because i know they're right
i hate being this sick it is miserable as hell i just want to sleep forever i really do not want to get up anymore. i want to be strong and i am trying but this godforsaken body keeps betraying me and i am sorry as hell to say that, but i cannot think of any more accurate description i hate the flashbacks, i hate the chronic anxiety, i hate going into dissociative meltdowns whenever something feels like another abusive episode on the horizon, why the heck do i feel utterly worthless, why am i convinced that i have no right to live, that my very existence causes other people to suffer, that i am flaw and a freak and a sin against god where the hell did all of that come from and why cant i convince myself otherwise i'm starting to think that i really am insane but i am too tired to care much
suicide is not an option, it cannot be an option, only because of how she reacted last time, and part of me keeps screaming "why the hell does that even matter" "your entire life is fake, all your hopes and dreams and joys are FAKE, you're a filthy piece of garbage and an attention whore" why do i believe that, why in god's name do i believe that, is it just because it's the overwhelming majority? or is it because i am so tired of the pain, and i'm convinced that maybe if i destroy the good it will take the bad with it maybe if i become an unfeeling empty shell, become the corporate prostitute my mother wants me to be, maybe the family will be happy. maybe i'll stop being such a huge burden on their heads. and i won't give a shit about any "abuse" in the past anymore, i won't care if it happens again, it's not trauma if you don't feel anything.
what the hell am i even trying to say. i'm sorry. this is pure brain vomit. i am very sick, i am very tired. "keep trying," they say, "you have a reason to live!" well i am sorry but god i cannot see that reason. and the things i hoped were reasons are empty selfish sinful thoughts. anything that involves "me" is selfish, you notice? i wait for orders all day, "do this, do that, don't do this or you'll suffer" and i just smile and nod, smile and nod, do as they say, congratulations you're finally a good person. you're not a thorn in our side anymore. you're a comfortable, problem-free, normal and healthy human shell and we're so proud of you!!
screw this forget all of it i dont know what to do anymore sorry for this.
...I just remembered one of the tiny memories we have from 2010.
We were leaving Q's house, I think, and Myssa was there. She was recovering from something with heavy medication, so she was rather soporific and thinking in a very dreamlike way.
Someone asked her "what color I was" as we turned to leave, walking out into the night. She looked towards me, as if she were looking through me, and scrunched up her face in either confusion or concentration. And she just said, "gold." That's all I remember.
I don't know why that just came up, but right now, it's the most hopeful thing I can imagine.
We went out on the porch this morning to deliver a medium sized hand-saw to the grandmother outside. I picked it up, wondered about it-- no one in Central ever had saws. Waldorf popped in for a moment (she used to have hand scythes to match Jo, now she uses hammers I think?), but it didn't match. Then our lime-green oni girl showed up and it clicked. Even better, thanks to that resonance, it struck that her name seems to be Karissa? Or Klarissa, something like that. But it's a K root. In any case, holding that weapon, she was in the zone. It matched her overlay perfectly. We don't want to use weapons at large anymore-- they are strictly only for fending off Tar/Plague-- but that saw fit perfectly in her hands as she walked through the bright green grass and sunshine. She smiled as she swung it in a small arc, and that is the clearest I have ever felt her presence before. So yes, just wanted to write that down for the record. The Lime slot is still a bundle of questions so this is good news.
"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape. something waits beneath it; the whole story doesn’t show." --Andrew Wyeth
Fall and winter feel inexplicably gorgeous to me, like they're the actual new year. When the leaves start to fall it's like everything is new again, which is ironic... but that brilliant beautiful death of the trees is essential too. In a strange way, stripping the world down to its bones is so much more beautiful to me than the thick green of summer. There's this fragile but bold intimacy to it; a golden power in that silent secrecy. I really love that "bone structure" way of looking at it. The world is bare, but the heart is right beneath your fingertips now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@ 11:56 pm
So this evening I've been sifting through old archive entries for a secret sentimental reason, and just now I stumbled across this.
Hey, boss? Yes child? What are your thoughts on... on Infi? He is a part of you, isn't he? Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss. I would imagine so. And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen? Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take. True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!! Oh? It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red. Ah... You see what I mean? Yes. That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier! Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she? She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot. Oh. I see. Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it. Wikipedia's color list says Cerise. 'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman? With me? Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...
Particularly these bits:
"It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red..."
"Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.... but the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything..."
I haven't posted a concrete entry anywhere on the new Spectrum flowchart-- mostly because it took me several solid days to grasp even in an initial sense-- but those two almost-forgotten bits of data are VERY relevant in light of it. To summarize: the Black slot, and by extension Infinitii-- has very strong roots in Red, and White (and by extension, me) has equally strong roots in Cerise.That's right here, from spring of 2012, and yetI did not know it was still so concretely applicable until last week. Creepy but awesome, that's typical headspace behavior.
Needless to say I am going to have to continue reviewing like this, wow. Balance my overwhelming amounts of Dream World work (FREAKIN' TYPECODES) with this, because datawork for headspace is fascinating and honestly I love both the reviewing and the revelations. I also am itching to draw, you have no idea, I am still fine-tuning the Central Spectrum "portrait series" I've been planning for ages and I want to START. Now that we're confirmed 16 I can get a coherent visual going and I am really, really excited on a heart level to see this creative endeavor come to fruition. I owe us that much.
Anyway it is midnight and I unfortunately have no further time to ramble right now. Therapy lately has been somewhat 'slow' (no massive topics) but still very relevant and helpful. Honestly we've been in some rocky waters lately, but Infinitii and I are both doing our share of hardcore healing work and that IS helping, even if just in a 'background' sense. Oftentimes for us, all the groundwork needs to be done before a situation will change-- and then it will change quickly and massively. At least, that's what it feels like! So rest assured, positive healing work is being done, but it is terribly complex and honestly rather frightening in spots. I will be dedicating an entry to that maybe tomorrow evening, after therapy (as I plan to bring this up).
In any case headspace is still as beautiful as ever and I really need to start recording the little things here... they make daily life worth living, they really do. I realized Genesis and I have got a sort of dæmon-link going on? He warped about 30 feet away from me today when we were shopping (usually we stay within 15 feet of each other) and it actually hurt, in an odd sort of homesick way? Like it was foggy blue and intangible, a misty heartsickness of sorts. That was striking. (In contrast, when Infi gets too far away it physically aches like my heart is missing. Fitting, really.) It rained today. It was like silver threads coming down; it was beautiful.
I'll throw this lovely song at you (as Genesis and I have been looping it all day) and call it a night.
okay I apologize if this is an utter mess but I need to write this down now, because I will not remember it in the morning.
11:30pm. hack attempts. cannon screaming in car. her shouting hurt terribly, mentally and physically. then went on porch to try and find quiet, but she was still screaming, threatening, insults. very loud. then laurie showed up, they were fighting? it's blurry. anyway I know for a fact that julie showed up, extremely distraught, began angrily asking why this was happening. who in the world was causing hack attempts again, and why?? again I'm sorry but I can't remember much of this, just visuals and vibe. cannon asked her why she was "dressing like a two-penny whore" (julie still wears minimal clothing) and julie just straightened up, gave her a stern look and said that she was dressing how she felt comfortable, and that only cannon was calling her a whore. she strongly added that no one deserved to be called such things based on their dress; it was completely unwarranted, and in truth only spoke as to the inner opinions and vision of the one using the term. anyway cannon backed off at this, I think faded out? because then next thing I recall is laurie and julie sitting down, discussing the situation, trying to pinpoint just who was responsible, who was just letting hack attempts happen without caring or fighting? I mentioned the numb-gray voice that's been fronting for weeks, said it was "so tired" all the time it literally just did what it was told to do. like the AP but not robotic; this one was absolutely resigned and just wanted total nothingness. it wasn't fighting off hack attempts because it had no strength or motivation to do so; it just gave up and then hackers took over. somewhere around here laurie said something a little too flippantly, julie jumped up and told her to stop acting like that. "I miss the old you." saying laurie was losing her edge, she was slipping. surprisingly laurie agreed, said that her new tendency to laugh everything off was a "different set of walls," and it was "making her color gray out." julie vehemently agreed, said laurie needed to be fierce again, unflinching, and not tolerating of the things she was now just mocking or brushing aside. she had to be a knight again, she had to get her brutality back because without it her function was failing. ultimately laurie did tap into this and her color notably clarified, it scared me a little to think that she had been falling somewhat. I'll admit I'd been terrified too and she'd been feeling too strange lately but I had been too doubtful of "whether or not this was better" to speak up. again, due to the numbness.
anyway on that note I think they asked me to look for the numb voice then, so they could deal with it somehow. all I know for sure is that I tried, and felt that gray voice move in almost immediately. laurie reached forwards and yanked it out, upstairs it manifested as an almost ghostly form-- no real body, just misty white in a humanoid shape. I think julie was yelling at it, no idea. it was unstable and kept catching vibes of other 'bodiless' voices so laurie was trying to keep it solid but it was getting violent. then, at some point javier showed up! that was a surprise. he was very angry, actually pushed laurie back and grabbed that spectre by the throat, demanding what it was trying to prove, etc. shockingly it grinned and immediately turned into jezebel?? javier let go in surprise, there was tar on his hand. laurie tried to zap it off but javier said no, then summoned flames up and down his arms, burnt it away. but jezebel kept attacking, getting more on him than he could handle. laurie was holding her off the best she could, but then she shouted for infi's help. ze showed up immediately in a very shocking manner; sort of a full-room "coalescing" vibe, wings wide and angry. grabbed all the tar off javier, split it into three throwing daggers and flung them at jezebel. pinned her to the wall! she grinned, that was of course only temporary, and pulled them out in order to be able to move again. however those few seconds were all infi needed-- ze instantly became this monstrous thing of crystal teeth and eyes, loomed over her. jezebel actually looked afraid, but she then laughed and turned into a semi-humanoid mess of tangled tar, tried to infect hir. but infi said (voice sounded VERY different) that she could not corrupt hir, and in an instant ze chomped down on the jezebel-tar thing. that caused the tar to break and then splash as neutralized black energy; the immediate conversion was clearly visible. jezebel was still fighting, trying to infect hir still (if enough pure tar got into infi at once it would indeed be a problem), but then infi did something unusual. maybe via hir teeth, when ze bit again, all the black energy began to pop and crackle in this bright white explosions? picture several flashbulbs going off at once, with a sound like fireworks. this caused the black energy to be totally flipped to white energy on the spot. jezebel stopped fighting, left nothing but the tar, infi kept eating it. again every single bite caused the white light pops, even as ze swallowed it. once the tar was totally converted to white energy, infi changed hir form a bit again, huge mouth, snakelike. coughed up one huge crystal (hexagon? hit floor and barely even rolled; very heavy), then did a lot of almost convulsive form-warping to spit out another, slightly bigger one. infi then reverted back to normal I assume-- for some reason, as infi was coughing up the second crystal, I completely 'tuned out' of headspace. no idea why; I can't remember.
the next thing I can remember is infi kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was sitting on the ground and feeling incredibly dazed. javier and laurie were behind hir, julie standing a little behind them. I can't remember if I said anything.
anyway, long story short, infinitii decided to try to "tear" the foggy gray voice 'into' me, instead of out-- so it would take my place in the upstairs body (that can happen for cores, only them though). that way it would stay stable and maybe they could talk to it. I know for sure that nathaniel was called in to 'hold me down,' to be an extra stabilizing force. so he knelt to my right and held my shoulders. well anyway the first attempt or three didn't work entirely. infi reached into my chest field and pulled out this stringy-gray (like actual tangled string) energy mass, looked somewhat confused at this. no matter what it wasn't clearing out though. I still felt awful inside. anyway I was already massively dissociated so infi pulled me half-out of the body (reached way back in and yanked). I immediately lost body senses-- I was now floating in some vague position 'within' the body field, but I was technically not in the body anymore. however no one else was fully in it, and I was stuck somehow. not a clean break in any case. then after a moment of consideration, infi apologized, flared hir wings and shoved me out, with a double-handed push to the chest. it had massive force. flung me back into 'levelless' white space (straight out of that headspace level!). I hit a wall with my back and then fell forwards to floor, on my knees. crystal shards fell scattered around me? like broken glass. anyway the impact helped too, as I felt disconnected but clear now, except for my head, which still had that tarry fog feeling. realized there was this wand-shaped crystal going straight through my skull, from the center of my forehead back to the base of my cerebellum? slight angle. this scared me, but I tried to calm down, wanted it out. remembered that inner imagery is very important, figured this was symbolizing some sort of plagued 'frozen' effect on my third eye or something. but it was definitely showing me a big problem. I think I called leon. either way, he showed up, to my left. I couldn't quite talk, so I indicated the problem. he moved in front of me, then carefully pulled the crystal out. some residue got on his hands from it? looked like silver skidmarks. I think the crystal crumbled. he burned it off with a flare of indigo energy points, the white residue fell off softly like snowflakes. I thought that was fitting. then leon placed one hand on both 'holes' in my head, said that needed to be 'flushed out.' he considered calling someone but neither of us knew who, so after a moment of hesitant anxiety he decided he'd do it; after all he was the best man for the job. so through his hands, he began filling the hole in my head with indigo light. as he did, I saw the energy filling my vision downstairs, this gorgeous hue, but all sparkly dots slowly filling my head and my eyes. there was a moment of fear and awe; "this is real. this is actually happening." I pushed the fear aside, focused on the feeling of healing. very peaceful, grateful. leon said we needed to 'cover up' the holes? essentially said it couldn't be left wide open like that or dangerous things could get in; it'd be 'too open.' I had a sudden mental image of a bandage on my forehead like naota from flcl, didn’t question it, felt relevant. leon then asked, couldn't I keep power jewels on all the time? I said yeah, probably (I think eros had the set in the past). leon said I should, if I could. that would help immensely.
I could feel they wanted me back upstairs but couldn't get back myself. leon said he'd warp me back, so he did. laurie immediately asked how he got there, leon briefly mentioned the mind's-eye thing. then he saw nat to my right and smiled so genuinely, greeted him. and I got this huge flash that 'that was important.'
on that note, I was still super-dazed so memory is bad. but I clearly remember that leon ended up back in front of me, and I wasn't in the body?? he was talking to the numb gray voice!!! (which was responding to the name 'fogbank?' at least temporarily) it was actually very upset about this topic? it kept trying to leave, to unplug the entire inner vision from headspace and 'numb out,' but although its influence was surprisingly powerful, infi wouldn't let it leave; kept pulling it back in. we asked it why it was so exhausted, why was it so loathe to perceive the inner world, why was that so tiring for it? leon added something to that question, asked if that feeling was tied to the 'floating voices?' it said yes, that was especially exhausting, but then it explained why. apparently this gray voice was terrified that, if it did open up its third eye in truth (leon said it was closed in fear), that it would be "obligated" to become a channel and nothing more. it would then be required to become nothing but a conduit for floating voices, for angels or aliens or whoever, to do nothing but become their mouthpiece. it felt that, if it became aware of such beings outside of itself, then it HAD to sacrifice any and all feelings of individuality, of having a body, of being a person. it needed to become "totally selfless." it saw no other option, and it was so tired, it just numbed out rather than face that "inescapable fate" that it said would happen IF it tuned back into intuitive knowing and things. laurie spoke up here, said that's exactly how the child fronters thought. they existed ONLY for the leagueworlds; they lived to write and draw, and that was it. only the dawn of headspace forced a 'sense of self' to truly develop, and that occurrence has long been seen as a sort of "original sin" by many downstairs voices in the system. anyway leon added that there was nothing wrong with individuality, but even in his saying that I could feel a massive denial from the mind. it didn't believe him and was afraid to; it still strongly believed that "only total selflessness was good." at that, either laurie or javier said that's why headspace is being ignored; we're all facets of self, we're all individualized parts of soul, and according to that old moral code we shouldn't exist, because that very individualization was "wrong." right around then leon moved his hands on the body's head again, filling it with indigo light. he looked upset and sad, but began telling the gray voice that this was what real intuition felt like; it wasn't barking orders, it wasn't constant stress, it wasn't fear. he then said "it's this," and actually kissed my forehead where it had been impaled. instantly there was this slow bloom of compassion from somewhere down in the chest, deep indigo color. leon continued talking to it. he said that if you hold fear, you see fear. if you hold love, you see love. therefore the fogbank voice, as long as it was quietly terrified of what it might see, would never be able to see us in that mindset. but by the same token, it didn't ever have to be afraid of us. we would never treat it like the floating voices would. ultimately at the end of whatever he was saying he paused and then deliberately kissed its forehead again. right then, whoever was speaking through the body changed. like the fogbank voice couldn't hold that feeling so strongly. this new voice felt like pieces of someone forming, or trying to anchor. but it spoke to leon for a bit, repeating back that same train of thought, so leon's eyes lit up as he realized that whoever was in the body now understood. however, the most notable bit about it was, right before it left (it was fading fast), it was holding this feeling of water internally? like an actual space, inside the chest cavity, this indigo-blue deep water in a very mosque-like room. both leon and nat caught attention, infi too due to the architecture. leon was excitedly talking about it, saying "that is what I meant" as far as energy vibes go, asked where that water was? infi said it was definitely not the chthonic water; that was very different (I think javier said something about it). and yet both those waters were "held" in that space in the body: within the ribs. so that on top of leon's compassion made us suddenly realize the most important thing: the mind and the heart NEED to be linked. especially in order for intuition to work right at ALL. I also remember, after that realization, leon ended up embracing nat in tears, really sincerely. I overheard him say "I love you" and I realized that was the first time I'd heard him say it in front of other people. nevertheless nat responded to him in kind. the whole thing was deeply moving personally.
power jewels were again mentioned somewhere around here. I couldn't get any to manifest though; instead there was this really bright flash like a lightbulb blowing out and it hurt, I apologized. felt like my forehead was charred. leon said he was sorry, didn't mean to make me feel like I had to force anything. I said I was just surprised I couldn't get the old ones to work anymore.
something happened here; I 'shorted out' mentally due to overstrain and the SPECTRUM started talking on the mind-heart topic instead?? everyone shut up quick, that’s like having god suddenly send you a telegram. I am so sorry but I forget its exact words, because since my body has to be technically empty for that to happen, the plague crept in fast. it was talking about the fogbank voice at the time; said it was allegedly a Gray slot holder? but which slot we didn't know. anyway I clearly remember the Plague asking if the fogbank voice was the true gray core, as a neutralizer. it then asked if Sherlock was "neutral or not" but that felt accusatory and proud. anyway we felt the switch, upon which infi ran over, and fiercely got it out of my body (easy as it was the only thing in there)-- ze threw it across the room I think. all I really remember is seeing this huge evil-feeling crystal mass over to the right, laurie quickly asked infi if he could purify it, ze said "I could but it’s not easy; that's jay's job." well I was still stuck in interim space but I was not going to slack off. so I focused as hard as I could and willed myself into the crystals. laurie saw this, shouted "jay what the hell are you doing" and got out her axe. but i wasnt scared (too floaty to be so) and i quickly sent out a burst of light to fill the crystals, and held it like a glow. that clarity defused the plague, it was gone; I was now inside the crystals. they collapsed all at once like flour or snow, I was some sort of amorphous shape in the middle, rather dazed. everyone ran over, infi first, ze took my face in hir hands and pressed our foreheads together, I felt ze was overwhelmed with relief. ze then asked me if I was okay, but that action basically white-washed my mind with content bliss, so I couldn't respond. laurie was worried at my silence, but infi smiled and assured her that I was fine-- basically, since i wasn't responding in words to that action, that was a good sign. if i hadn't been so affected by hir sincerity then there would be a problem. I was very tired, slipping a bit. infi embraced me then, head to my chest and wings around me. everyone resumed the conversation while I just soaked up the positive vibes finally and held the consciousness stable. on that note, as we spoke we realized that the fogbank voice actually has a VERY important role if used right-- it keeps the mind from being too overwhelmed?
archivists showed up; opened ceiling gate and jumped down (left it open for light). I cannot remember when or why, just that they were a massive help for the current topic. I do know they were talking about the water from before-- water in and of itself was important. I remember thinking of cz, knew there had to be some sort of link. garrison said, rather brightly, "chaos zero has had a profound impact on the aqua slot," despite him now being in the White spectrum (due to outspacers finally moving entirely). someone asked if aqua was still tied to "devotion and fortitude," garrison said that was still being checked. isadora said that definitely fit him; he was utterly devoted to his work and the service of others. garrison agreed like she had just stated the weather; a nod and a 'well of course,' as if not being so devoted was unthinkable. I think isadora said, maybe aqua is tied to 'selflessness' of the right sort? garrison wondered momentarily, then animatedly drew up the aqua slot hexagon in the air, began comparing that to its other holders. minty, our sleeper, works as a messenger and comforter. her whole job is helping other people. einsatz is mute but a musician, who lets himself 'be devoured by' the music (as isadora said) so he can share that same absolute wonder of it with others. emmett and tobiko are both e.d. voices who make sure the body doesn't get sick, and deal with maintenance to alleviate any sickness that may occur. both also deal(t) with the purgation issue, which although a failsafe measure, is still problematic and depressing-- and which takes a lot of guts and selflessness to hold as a job. so yeah that might work for aqua. anyway the core is still unknown.
i remember that as garrison was finding stuff out, kalisha was writing it all down on a big clipboard pad, as she did it went into the data archives? that was awesome to see.
isadora has this ability to "pull things out of thin air," both with ideas and also in the way people kept pulling stuff and people out of me earlier. apparently she has a powerful knack for it. I know she DID pull something/someone out of me at one point, but for the life of me I cannot remember what.
someone called sherlock in. he was "below" our space, he seemed reticent to come up at first but did. opened a gate like a door and walked through it. the other archivists actually bowed a little in respect when he showed up. (I keep getting this weird feeling that sherlock heard the plague accusation earlier but that doesn't fit temporally; I'm probably getting something confused. I apologize for any inaccuracy as a result; I'll fix this later if my memory cooperates.)
in light of the individuality thing, sherlock did point out that's what causes "name mixups" among partners in headspace usually. like I'll accidentally call nat 'leon,' etc. sherlock said it's because when people's energy gets that close, that it blurs a little? and so on some level of consciousness they're recognized as 'one being' in a sense. kind of like a smaller manifestation of how we are as a system.
I think we started discussing colors again then. anyway, ultimately I remember javier telling nat and leon what red energy's 'role' felt like; he said it was tied to the raw joy of life? it was the feeling of existing, of residing in a physical form, of being a living being. it was like the feeling of blood in the veins, of creating art with your bare hands. like a fire inside. he was excited and wrapped up in describing it, although struggling to find fitting words. but really he was radiating the essence so we got it. he then asked spine to describe what brown energy was like, because that was a totally different sort of grounding. spine paused, then said it was like the earth, like stone under the earth. it was silent and solitary, but it was strong, and it knew and cared for all the 'red' life that it supported. she said it was the bones in the body, like her; it was a foundation, not holding the passion of red but instead holding a sort of calm power. again the vibe was crystal-clear from her. also the whole time she spoke (deliberately, with slightly broken language) lynne was giving her this look of total proud affection and admiration. spine looked at her once and since I was a 'floating awareness' then I saw it, and it was so clear.
someone asked lynne what orange was like? "was it tied to femininity as a whole"? the conversation got kind of convoluted, lynne said she was originally reddish but it was more cerise, and then julie asked "is that what the cerise slot is like?" lynne said she didn't know, I think javier asked what the difference was between pink and cerise. julie said we weren't sure, but she began describing what pink felt like-- it was soft and light, like cotton candy and flower petals, totally soothing but affectionate. very light! while cerise had a sort of denseness to it. mulberry and jeremiah showed up then, had felt the resonance (that's typical). jeremiah smiled and walked over to sit by javier, just seeing him look so simply happy really lit me up. mulberry talking about her role, kind professionalism. some confusion here as there's no cerise core yet and mulberry has had role trouble. I remember sherlock was helping her out on that topic though (they are buddies after all). someone said cerise felt like 'femininity plus masculinity,' like a balance? jeremiah spoke up to support that; said his job was that of a protector to the children, to take away all pain from them. it was a 'masculine' role; he had to be strong, tough, unflinching, unafraid. and yet he also had to be 'feminine' for the children-- compassionate, empathetic, soft, nurturing. his job required a balance of both in harmony. this fit mulberry, too. so that's the main difference between cerise and pink; both hold femininity but cerise has a "punch" to it
lynne finally got to talk about orange in light of that. again reiterated her role wasn't just femininity. her role was literally becoming the sort of person our core could never be: a woman who loved what she was, who loved her life and could live it in total joyous strength. that feeling was very 'orange' really
jo said yellow was more exuberant, fiercely independent in a personal sense. orange was more 'mellow' and dealt with interactions; it was more community oriented essentially. 'personable' vs 'personal' waldorf spoke up for a while then. said blue was tied to communication, but she had started off as a sort of 'literary muse'-- a being who held bits and pieces of every source that inspired jewel's work style. but that was communication too; people put their ideas out there into the world, fearlessly, not being afraid of their own voice. and others listened, and shared in it. waldorf was saying that's kind of like blue was like? both the speaking and the listening; like this sharp inner awareness within a sense of calm? she used the phrase "truth in technology" at one point, I caught an allusion to her techno-trees from yesterday before she went on. she also mentioned the scratched-disc necklace, not only was that an outside borrow (xilats), but in a way it did fit her role? she got a bit angry/upset, I remember her saying "hindsight is 20/20" and she was one of the oldest headvoices in the system. so she knew what people kept trying to "rewind" to, and it wouldn't work. too much had happened, too much had grown, and it was beautiful. you can't try to reset everything to live in a false projected "everything is perfect" ideal. waldorf said that wasn't the truth, and it was effectively a desire to "erase the story that was written" or something. a blackout of communication, a total lack of listening to truth. really blue is quite complex! there's no real "roots" to the color, shockingly, not yet at least. it's rich but vague. garrison agreed; said the only other confirmed blue is "nienna," who also deals with communication. (the gent was not mentioned, which garrison realized with shock later; this may be because he's still arguably a fragment, totally faceless. nevertheless unintentional skips must always be taken seriously.)
concerns about color slippage. MAJOR warnings to laurie, from sherlock notably. julie backed him up on this again. laurie didn't disagree at all, promised to do better, sincerely. lynne saying laurie was "whitening" too much, but she herself was getting "too dark?" there was too much negativity getting thrown into the feminine idea, and it was catching her badly. julie got very upset about this again, I remember her wringing her hands in her hair and trying not to cry from anger.
I cannot remember how all this ended. my brother came out onto the porch while lynne was speaking at one point, so suddenly there was light and noise, and I had to move inside. when I did I realized it was 12:30 and, now that I was up and moving, that the body was massively tired. so I jumped back inside for a few minutes, we all agreed that I had better go write this all down before it started to fade (total consciousness level switch!) and here I am.
now honestly it is 2 hours after that and I cannot think. so this is what we've got. hope it works! much love to all my system mates I love you guys so much
today i went outside and i never wanted to go back inside. the sunlight was so warm, the leaves are starting to fall, the air is wonderful. it's heaven. i forgot how good pine sap smells. it got all over my hands. i went and stood by the lilac tree, put my hands on a branch, felt so much life in it. i was really humbled by that. everything outside is so tangibly alive. i miss it terribly, getting buried in it all. of course i said hello to my favorite cherry tree, i love it so. i hugged it and realized that its bark smells really lovely too. not something you can put into words at all. stood on the lawn for a while and watched the sun go down. i keep wanting to drink sunlight. like i am literally only ever hungry for light or sound anymore. the other day i actually tried to drink the sunset like gaudior drinks moonlight. it surprised me when i couldnt do so actually. kind of heartbreakingly frustrating when things dont line up like that. but i will need to start going outside for at least a solid hour every day again. i need to. i have to, it's too nice
the only problem dear is be careful, you forget everything else. you get so lost in the trees that you forget to live. you want to stand on that lawn forever and never go back to being a person. definitely go outside, sure. definitely immerse yourself in that love. but be careful. that massive dissociation caused some massive hack attempts this evening, which you wouldn't know about. but please be careful.
... jay here. it's 3:25am and i am listening to this and i need to write this down. last night. i went to sleep around this same time and cz was there, as always. he was mostly asleep though due to the time. but... i forget what i said. i remember feeling sad because emotions are still tricky. i wondered why he was always there, i asked him don't you have anywhere else to be? his eyes were barely open, one arm around my shoulder. he said no. i asked why. ...he said i was his home. literally, "because you're my home." i laughed at first. what do you mean, i'm your home, what about the emerald shrine? what about the places where you were long before you met me? you belong there more, surely. why aren't they your home, even now? and he just said, "because home is where the heart is." ... he wasn't even looking at me. he was barely even awake. and yet isn't that when we're the most honest? my eyes drifted down to that ruby and i failed to hold back a sob, only to have it come out as "i love you." it ached. and he just smiled. "i love you too." eyes still closed. but i could see him clear as day. i miss that. i miss all of this, and i hate this lie of a void in my heart, this hollow emptiness brazenly standing in front of everything and pretending that there's nothing behind it. but the air has the scent of the ocean, of the rain, of the river, always, always. and even if it makes no fucking sense you can't lie to me. it's there. and it has never not been there.
the night before, his eyes were green in the dark again. undeniable. i still don't know how to explain that. genesis was there i think. infi was with us on friday. laurie is always nearby.
you know laurie keeps teasing me about the kissing thing and i know it's because she's got walls up she knows the real reason. it's because i can't do something that intimate with someone unless there is sincere trust there. laurie has seen me at my worst. she's seen me bleed. she's seen me die. and she's seen my brightest days, too. all the love and light and hope. well guess what, i want to have that level of personal understanding and compassion with everyone in the system. i want that sort of bond of trust between me and everyone else. some people are really close to laurie's level already. we've seen enough of each other, enough rawness, enough genuine life, to have enough genuine, pure love between us by now. the sort of love that erases fear, that makes you completely comfortable and reverent around the other person. i don't know why laurie is slipping. it breaks my heart. is she still scared of being used? was this a failed failsafe? i don't know but i will talk to her. everyone. i want and need to. daily priority, all of them. they're my life. they're my life. i want to kiss everyone in the system because i adore them and damn it i don't want any walls up between anyone at this point. i don't want to feel this stupid downstairs hesitation and self-doubt around them. there is no need to be afraid. none. this is what leon was talking about. guess what he's the first headvoice i kissed besides laurie, no surprise. but i can't joke about this either. i wish there was better, more delicate language. stuff untainted by tar. maybe we just need to scrub it out. or realize that the tar was just put there. it's not part of it. well infi's watching me now, i better go upstairs. ze says i should get some sleep but also that i should stop talking about this for now before i overthink it. good idea.
anyway i am so sorry boss for going to sleep at 4am, things were just all over the place today, you know weekends. we'll do better tomorrow. we always do. i love that about us.
i love everything about this, who am i kidding good and bad it's all part of the kaleidoscope this paradox of stained-glass color and shadow of light and dark and beautiful broken pieces and i am madly in love with it.
quick stream-of-consciousness update because this needs to be a daily thing again. i don't want to forget anything, and the more i tune in, the more happens. man i miss this, it's beautiful.
first, laurie told me to write this down-- on friday, on the way home from grocery shopping, I had apparently sadly said "I wish people would just front like they used to," and since I was so distraught (and having trouble fronting myself) laurie had called josephina in? and he had fronted very well for about ten solid minutes! I don't know what he did or said but that's awesome. I am very very glad to hear that people can still do that. odd as it sounds I miss that, I miss being actively and undeniably plural; I miss feeling that I am sharing this body with everyone else. I miss the strange richness of it.
unfortunately friday is marked as being "troublesome" and so it is largely missing from memory. all I know is that it was a cloudy day.
last night.
talking to knife, laurie, lynne, and infinitii. started out as I was going to sleep. we were all in the underground 'lobby' (relatively new), this open area between the main ground and the stairs that lead into the lowerspace and the underground. it's all warm glowing light and wood and it's nice. knife was there because we had brought him there I think. I know he had been 'sleeping' in the christmas tree room? like that big church room where he set up the tree last december, he never took it down, it's still pink. he loves it. I had gone to talk to him and found him dozing off on one of the seats in front of it. gently woke him up, again I forget for what purpose-- there had been an important question-- and he came with me back to where I was talking to laurie. lynne joined us shortly after, I forget when exactly. same with infi; ze had been floating around me all evening I think? but hir presence had been there and ze likes to talk to me at night. so it was the 5 of us just chilling out at 1am or so. anyway laurie and I were again discussing 'getting everyone back together,' forging stronger ties between everyone in headspace, in light of the past 8 months of quiet. but then of course laurie had to also start teasing me about wanting to kiss everybody, asked if that was still a thing. asked if I'd kiss knife, we both got hilariously flustered for different reasons. I said "he's too adorable," but knife just wanted to know what that act would entail? he was blushing over the details really. he's like that. but laurie was cracking up at this. lynne was giggling about this too, I think she joked that she'd kiss me first as an example or something. I again protested that I couldn't do that so casually, but wondered how much of that feeling was old social programming, having to act a certain way. somewhere around here I paused, and asked knife if he was aromantic? it had just hit me. he asked me what that meant. laurie joked "what do you mean knife's not romantic" because he fits the literal term to a T. but she then said that she was aromantic and yet she'd still kissed me; the two things weren't mutually exclusive. lynne and laurie got off on a tangent then, poking fun at each other as always. but as I listened I was again struck by how self-assured lynne always is. she's playful but always mature, it's a great balance. anyway I remember laurie made some joke about infinitii, how once you've been hit by hir vibe that's it, you're gone. lynne giggled at this, infi gave laurie a look. laurie shrugged and apologized, said that with me you just never sleep again. I said only because I stay up so late. she laughed and said that was the point, look at what time it was
anyway knife was still terribly confused and I guess we were all treating this topic too lightly, because without another word infi got up and walked over to me. everyone stopped talking, and I remember being both mesmerized and intimidated; the way ze walks is always so graceful but deliberate. but if I was nervous at first, that melted almost immediately. when infi got closer (like within 4 feet) it was like this quiet black surge of love just swelled up around me, like velvet, it was heartbreaking and powerful and tore me glittering in two. I remember helplessly reaching up to hir (I was sitting on a low bench) and ze just knelt down in front of me and held my face, looking at me without a word, and I was in tears. I choked out that I loved hir, and infi said "I know." with hir mouth. that alone was huge, but… that's usually cz's line. and hearing it from hir, in a manner ze usually reserves for hir darker side, held such huge significance that it moved me to a sort of joyously humbled silence. I absolutely adored hir in those moments. infi was talking to me then. I forget the exact words and I'm sorry. I was too overwhelmed with the sensation of hir being there; if you've ever been that close to hir then you know what I mean. but mostly it was a reminder, don't downplay yourself, don't mock or doubt yourself, etc. remember this and the truth of it. and yet there weren't much words. there was too much feeling and I forgot how much ze feels. all those eyes, and the way hir voice just echoes. I honestly forgot where I was for a while.
knife teared up after seeing all of this (caught me by surprise as I forgot anyone else was in the room), said "that's what I mean," and explained that he wasn't yet 'accustomed' (wrong word? more like he didn't know how to handle it) with the sort of 'love' that sort of behavior would elicit or require? he was stumbling over his words too; very strong vibe of him being surprised at his own reservations. I pointed out that he didn't seem to have a problem with infi, but infi said that wasn't surprising; ze didn't require any sort of behavior from anyone. people reacted to hir in the way most natural to them I guess. we tried to reassure him but he had too many questions in general. then oddly, when trying to explain what he saw as that 'more romantic' sort of love, knife gave "lynne and spine" for an example? that caught me by surprise. laurie said "wait what" and asked if this was true? lynne paused for a moment, then nodded, said yes. explained that although she was 'dating' julie, she wasn't 'in love' with her, at least not yet (that 'growing into' possibility was important). but she did love spine, the same way I loved laurie. laurie paused and said 'holy shit' at this, rather reflectively. she also said that was really sweet actually. (also! note to self: remember last month when lynne and spine 'started' the orange realms? they were walking through the woods. I saw it secondhand and it was very dreamlike so it's hard to remember but I never wrote it here so there's at least a mention)
anyway, knife was torn, he loved people naturally and simply, was it 'bad' or otherwise detrimental for him to not find that sort of behavior similarly easy? infi then strongly reiterated that the sort of pure, innocent, affectionate love that Pinks held was incredibly important and that knife should never downplay it or think of it as 'less' than anything else.
sorry that whole bit's a mess. the Pinks are still clearing out residue from the julie days obviously. I just wanted that written down because it happened.
today.
infi was in my dream before I woke up? some odd thing with weeping angels and someone almost dying as a result? but jessica was there, styled like a powerpuff girl oddly, but still actively vicious. the partner of the dying person was trying to save them, tearfully so, jessica kept trying to sabotage it. the person was making some sort of poultice out of gems?? like there was an opal at the center, and all these rubies in what looked like white icing. they had to knead it to get everything at the right consistency or something, they had to ultimately put it at this spot on their partner's back. apparently that's where the "lethal injury" was, it had split their spine or something? very sharp memory of the color green at impact point, like a geyser pool in color and shape. anyway. right before I woke up, infi showed up in the room, which caused jessica to disappear entirely. ze then gave the distraught person a lump of gold to put at the very center of the poultice-thing. then ze gave them all the final instructions and helped them apply it to their partner's spine, reassured them everything was fine, they would live and heal completely. anyway I thought that was interesting, that ze just walked in and helped the situation resolve so compassionately.
had to drive to mum's house to get vegetables, randomly said hello to waldorf while walking to the garden (I missed her all of a sudden). she was putting up light flowers like bruce munro's work, all in this blue glowy techno-forest area. like a city street lit up. she said she was trying to build the Blue realms, bit by bit, she was experimenting with ideas. I said it was gorgeous so far, but then asked why the sudden nature imagery? I thought she was more technological in general. she said yeah, but she figured she should work with elements too? kind of blurry, I'm not sure what she said blue was, hinted that yellow was electric and that sky was air? but also MIRRORS. very clear flash of that! green was nature, aqua wasn't mentioned but I wondered about it.
at some point during church later (xennie was there too!) I was strongly reminded of laurie, I don’t recall what exactly, but I remember holding her hands (both at once, together) in this meaningful aching way. there's this crystal clear visual memory of the bandages on her arms, and that her hands looked slightly battered (little red cuts and things). she gave me this very meaningful look that I didn't meet exactly because it would've broke me I think. was too enraptured by her hands, the moment was practically tangible in any case some minutes after that she said we should "do that rotating thing," in terms of who would be my main advisor or confidant for the day. I wanted deeper emotional and mental connections with everybody, and besides Central needed to get a deep understanding of the daily life too. long story short laurie pushed me a bit and told me to go talk to someone else for a bit. so I ended up spontaneously talking to nathaniel.
nat's got this lovely little pocket-realm going on for Green, branching out from his room (which is mostly thick forest branches and pink roses-- always has been). we were sitting in the boughs of some ancient tree, surrounded entirely by that flowery canopy, watching the sunlight filter through the leaves. I think I was holding his hand, something simple like that. nat reiterated that he dealt with "love in the face of change," or "love throughout all change" also said why his being a moth was significant. not just the metamorphosis, but also because moths fly at night, and they are drawn to the light. even in pitch black they will find it, but in the darkness they are not lost. they have a sort of quiet inner peace, a silent and unhurried faith. nat said Greens are like that, that's their virtue, is that serenity and faith in the universe. he said sergei fit that extremely well too. it struck me that so did the queen, surprisingly. reminder that aqua voices hold devotion, or fortitude? also total agreement that violet was tied to the cores? like all their roles are partly to advise and support the core, not just laurie. I said that made sense, was definitely possible. anyway I remember as he spoke about the moth thing, he was talking with his hands, eyes so bright and wide (such gorgeous eyes; they're like big emerald cabochons), but still radiating that essential calmness. kind of like the sunlight in the trees. but he looked so genuinely happy and inspired, I smiled so much just listening to him, feeling his history in his words, knowing how much it meant for him to be here now, as he was, talking like this. also I think he has moth fluff. he has to. I remember there was fuzzy green around his sleeve cuff, couldn't tell if it was part of his outfit or not. I've never seen him without his robe, so I have no idea.
"navy singer" out to sing during mass, she's finally feeling more like her own person now. name is "nienna" I think? root letter was "n" in any case. I originally thought she was tied to sapphires but that's a (small) aesthetic tie, not a name tie. her role is actually "the ability to 'join the song' without being afraid of your own voice," so to speak. so yeah she's a singer, but more specifically, she sings to be part of the music, part of the choir, without a shred of self-doubt or misplaced guilt. that was very clear today. she also has heavy hair. long, and wavy, like silk. reminded me of water, very subtle 'wave' to it, all in one piece. it's not like lynne's! hers is lighter and curls softly. they both love their dresses though, but even then the styles do differ!
got home at 6pm or so. xenophon spent most of the evening with me and oh my lord she is such a sweetheart and a godsend. she is definitely violet, haha. unflinching integrity. kept keeping me on track, not letting me slip, et cetera. making sure I was talking care of myself. and best of all? there was NO backtalk to her orders from the floating voices OR the old girls. it was the best and safest evening I have had in weeks, dead serious. I love her so much, I am so humbled to have this kid calling me a father, her love is absolutely unfailing. I hope I can give her the same.
massive e.d. voice resurgence later though, that was a shock the destroyer was talking to xennie for quite a while! that's new. xennie was distraught about so many other people being out when she was just trying to help me, to that the destroyer said "jay doesn't eat; he never eats" and it later hit me that dude, I DON’T, that's not my job! which explains why there's so much difficulty there. on that note xennie asked something about that, forget what exactly, but the destroyer ultimately said that's why the "eating" concerns were such a huge battleground-- I'm the core, the person supposed to be fronting benevolently whenever possible, but the eating thing isn't my fight. I can't take up that cross, by my role. so other people like to sneak in and 'act in my stead' then, claiming authority, but harming the body. so lots of headvoices deal with the e.d. stuff as a result, it's a mess since as soon as that battleground is entered, so to speak, switchiness becomes the norm. several people phase in and out without any real sense of order. the destroyer said we needed to get some coherence there, emmett needed to be on-call at all times, spice needed total authority given to her if at all possible, etc. then the destroyer said she works with fig-- confirming her as both alive and nonhuman, but still not a fully developed individual yet-- and that fig's job is to hold the idea of "joyful eating," something totally alien to us currently. fig is the childhood experiences of actually sitting down and enjoying meals, of seeing eating as something caring and thankful. however the curse is that she holds a lot of outdated memories, of childhood foods that are no longer safe or appetizing or even wanted. so we're working through that. but since fig wants to 'enjoy' those old data foods, but cannot know (due to that old data) whether or not such a food is even edible now, she is trying everything. but we cannot eat like 98% of it so that's where the destroyer jumps in, to get rid of toxic food. xennie asked her at one point why she can't just leave the food for other people in the house? yeah it's 'poison' for us but not for the family. if we know we can't eat it we don't have to. the destroyer paused, notably, and said that she hadn't thought of that before. that definitely was an option. so that's good.
this evening laurie and I agreed that xangas need to start happening again. there has been too much downtime, as a whole, and that's giving the ego remnants (the "old girls") too much power and influence. that hit me today, sharply, during church. so we need to put in heavy duty work now, just like when this all started, to connect back together as a system, as a whole. laurie's idea is to write down, during the day, discussion topics both good and bad. like if a problem or concern comes up, write it down and we will discuss it like we used to, with anyone who we feel should talk about it too. same with good things that happen, write 'em down. basically I should start carrying sherlock's book with me and keeping a running log. really that would be very beneficial.
anyway it is now 2:30 am and I cannot think coherently long enough to type anything else! good night.
All right. I need to stop slacking off. There won't be a bridge unless I build it. Things won't heal unless I sincerely start the process. Even if the current mental situation is making life very tiring and tricky on the inside, even if it's threatening to hollow me out dry and bloodless, I'm not lost. I'm alive. I'm somehow, blessedly, still holding on to hope and love, even when I don't understand it.
Nighttime is a sign from God. Every evening the veils start to fade, quietly and softly, like gauze curtains slipping away into a foggy evening. And even if my brain still won't accept anything, I can feel people nearby, within, around. I see their faces, I hear their voices. Even with doubt and anger screaming, even with apathy suffocating, it cannot be denied. Just like Genesis said. It's somehow one of my biggest saving graces... this damned constant faith in others. Yes, it can lead me straight to hell. But it also prevents me from lying to my own face when I know something is real, in my heart of hearts. I can try, sure. But it won't work. The instant something appears, it's unquestionable. The tangible truth of it is too powerful, too awe-inspiring. Every night when I lie down to drift off to sleep, there's a constant. I might not always see my boss, he's busy at night of course. I might not see Minty, if there's no need for her to assist. But the second my awareness switches to upstairs, without fail, Laurie is sitting there by the bed and CZ is lying beside me. Every night. Every single night for as long as I can remember. And it's beautiful, and it breaks my heart, because that is a constant and the love confessed in that single truth is more than I can bear on bad nights. No matter how much of a scumbag I may convince myself that I am, no matter how mercilessly I butcher my own hopes and dreams and memories, no matter how full of doubt and despair I may be, that constancy silently and gently brushes all that aside.
Xenophon was hanging around with me for most of the morning yesterday. We went picking blackberries with Genesis, and then I told her to stay because I missed her being and her company. It's funny, how I still struggle with the whole "am I a father or not" thing and yet when she calls me one, I accept that with total happiness. I don't mind. I love her, I want to care for her as much as I can. And I realized then, driving home with her eating berries in the front seat of the car, looking out over the mountains of clouds covering the valley beyond, that I wanted this sort of life. I wanted to be her father, to have her around the house, to live in simple peace and joy with our extended inner family, to share these little golden moments and treasure every second of the day. I wanted that so much, and the only reason why I kept denying that was because how rarely do we have this? When I spend my physical life wracked by ridiculous outer concerns and physical family stress, when I let it get to me, how can I possibly split realities at all times? But God please I WANT to, I want to balance BOTH worlds, I want to live the daily life this body needs without sacrificing the heartbreakingly true inner world of my soul, of our souls. I want to bridge the gap forever. I want unity. I don't want to split realities, to ignore one for the other. I don't want to be forced to turn a blind eye to the people I adore because "the daily grind" is starting to wear my bones down to sawdust. I don't want to care at all about that anymore. I miss the glittering days when I didn't. Why did I ever listen to the doubt, to the hatred, to the shame and guilt? Was it just too powerful? Was I just too weak, for just too long? I've been tossed about for too long. It's an avalanche. And the worst part is that I believed them when they told me I deserved to be buried under this ice, that it was the right thing for me, that it was better to feel nothing but frozen empty wastelands in my chest. I believed them because I was terrified that disobeying would kill me. And now look at me.
On Saturday, I ended up in furious frightened tears for two hours once nightfall hit, trying to explain to my grandmother why I was such a mess. I told her how for years, I've been obeying every "order" thrown at me left and right, typically from "holy" sources or claimants. Do this, do that, don't do this, obey me or else, obedience until death, trust me without question, do as you are told. And sure, some of it is good advice, but that's what makes it so terrifying. If someone tells you to blindly follow them, to never question them, because they are the "voice of God," what do you do? What do you do if they're right? Because I get that to some extent on the outside, passively-- all the conflicting, sometimes hypocritical "new age" and "spiritual" articles that claim to know exactly what I should be doing and feeling and thinking now, and which I feel powerless to 'disobey' due to moral paranoia-- but it's never louder than it is with those godforsaken "floating voices," the ones outside my head. They all sound the same, they talk the same, they have admitted lying to me and toying with me-- "we were just testing you"-- and they all insist that if I don't listen to them, "I'll regret it." I'll pay dearly for it. Sometimes they say they'll kill me if I don't listen, and in the worst cases, the psychosomatic consequences are scary enough to convince me (if only temporarily) that they weren't empty threats. Nevertheless, the problem is that they aren't going to lie or mess around all the time, or I'd pay them no mind. Most of the time they're right, even if they're right in cruel and demanding and angry ways. And so I learn to doubt my intuition. I learn to doubt my own logic and experience. I forget what it's like to make my own choices, to act on reason, to be discerning. No, now I just do as I'm told, because if I choose on my own, it's wrong. I'm too stupid, too lost, too corrupt to tell if I'm acting on whim or programming or actual good intentions. No, I can't know what's right on my own, they say! So listen to us, or you'll be sorry. Laurie gets pissed off at them. If she shows up-- which is terrifyingly hard to do now, as the 'floating voices' operate on a completely different level from headspace-- they run. Always. What does that tell you? And no, I don't want to hear more lies from the doubts telling me "it's just a level switch!" You awful voices sound just like the cruelest, most vicious people on our level, and I can't believe I still listen to you. I'm just scared. But guess what? When Laurie shows up, when she and the rest of our System help me choose what actions to take, when we have free will to work from, then I don't care even if I DO "mess up" because we TRIED. We did our best and we LEARNED. With you people, that doesn't happen. With you, there is no learning from mistakes. There's only obedience and punishment. I'm on to you. I don't want to deal with your noise anymore, not when your claims of spiritual authority carry no love whatsoever, and never did, and never will. Don't lie to me. I will gladly, GLADLY, go back to a life full of chance and uncertainty, if it means I can live a life full of love as well. I will deal with the struggles of our System with total gratitude because I love them, ALL of them, for contributing to our completion, to our growth. The only thing that's ever been "absolutely, unquestionably pure" up here is the damned Plague and it is an incorrigible liar. You CAN have too much 'good.' You CAN. And you are calcifying me. You are freezing my feet to the ground and telling me that this static bleached-out life is heaven, is true progress. You're a LIAR. This is why Infinitii's been quiet, isn't it? You're terrified of hir, just like you're terrified of Laurie, but you keep trying to kill them. You keep trying to hurt them, AND Chaos, and I will not stand for that. Just try me. Being good does not mean standing by and letting people be trampled just because you swore up and down that it was "God's will," that it was "predestined," that it was "the higher good." Don't lie to me. Don't TOUCH them. You will not be allowed to continue with this. There is a force greater than you that will balance this out, a force that I am NOT separate from, that I CAN hear and feel WITHOUT you acting as the middleman. I don't need you. I don't. And this is terrifying to say, I am scared to death that I'm blaspheming here, but if I have to choose between the heaven you offer and the supposed 'hell' of headspace, then God I am sorry but I cannot conceive of a heaven where such genuine love would be excluded or damned. I can't. I'll side with the black heart I was born with because it's full of stars.
Sorry. That's what Saturday night was like, actually. I just spilled it all out. I'm so tired of feeling puppeteered. I'm so tired of feeling like I CAN'T say no, or act on my own judgment. And most of all, I loathe feeling like I cannot act without checking everyone else's opinion first. I've been reading spiritual websites daily since I thought the world was ending in 2011, and I am tired. Is that a "sin" to say? I don't know. Yes, there is some beautiful advice and pointers on those sites. I don't mind following that. But now, where I feel like I HAVE to read 20+ articles a day, to the point where I can't remember any of it anymore, or tell it apart, or reconcile the conflicting authors and messages... it's hellish, ironically. And if I may use such a strong word, I hate feeling like I have to go through THAT in order to know anything about what I "should" be doing spiritually. That's the core problem here. It's the childhood conviction that I cannot personally reach "God." We've discussed this, but I'm reiterating it, because lessons will repeat until you've learned them and this one isn't over yet. It's this false programmed belief that I must adhere to ritual and rite, to the orders of parents and priests, or else God will reject me. It's utterly untrue, and yet it was reinforced so often, and so strongly, sometimes to traumatic extremes... it has deep roots. Fear that raw is hard to scrape away. I CAN learn and know everything I've ever read on those spiritual sites. This archive is proof of that. The way people react to me is proof of that, and I'm not saying that to be proud, that is a fact. Whenever I speak of my own volition and humility to others, they don't tell me I'm evil or wrong or stupid or naive! Instead they say I am inspiring, or otherwise a point of light in my own right. I still cannot seem to accept that, because those devil voices keep demanding otherwise. I really need to just bite the bullet and ignore them for a while. But yeah, constant reinforcement that "I need THEIR knowledge to live, because I CAN'T get that on my own!" Dude I had an accomplished clairvoyant tell me that I had latent powers that could rival hers and I STILL won't accept it. Why? Simply because it was said to me. It's nonsense. It's a false loop. I need to start actively saying positive things instead of listing the negative like this. Attention is powerful. I'll try to make this the last discussion of that negative side... I should really start keeping a sort of daily journal on paper where I do nothing but write down positive things about myself. That'll take guts, but hey, I know more than enough people inside who can help me out. That's humbling, more than anything else right now.
...Spotify just tossed me some synchronicity, that was actually a huge surprise. "Too much of heaven can bring you underground. Heaven can always turn around. Too much of heaven, a life and soul hell bound. Heaven, the killer makes no sound." I haven't heard that tune in years, and honestly I almost skipped it before I realized what it was. But yeah, I need to be careful. Any extreme holds its opposite within itself, and any floating voice that furiously insists that it is acting on God's will needs to be looked at with serious discretion. I need to learn to trust myself. When I can do that, when I can stop attributing all good choices to other people, when I can stop denying or doubting or erasing my own true feelings... well, that'll be our biggest obstacle gone at long last.
Now let's talk about something a little more optimistic. I started testosterone last Friday, so in 12 hours it'll be a full week on that. It's almost surreal, for this to finally be a reality! But... honestly that's been the biggest impetus for everything lately, good and bad. Do I have time to write about that tonight? Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow... the past two therapy sessions have been painful as hell but they've also been incredibly informative. I'm sorry for not typing about them yet but depression has made it tough. So yeah, remind me tomorrow if I forget. That's a massive topic and it deserves more time than I can give it at this hour. Anyway, one week on T. As for changes, well, I've noticed that all my shirts now stick to my shoulders, haha. Honestly this stuff is like flypaper until it dries and it never fully does, but I think it's hilarious so I don't mind too much. Even better, because of that, I literally have to wear this mint-colored lacy camisole whenever I put the medicine on. I do that on purpose. Queer it up as much as possible, hehehe. But yeah, that top doesn't stick to it so it's cool. In all seriousness though, today during mass I noticed (with a bit of an amazed shock) that my voice already feels different. The lowest note of my vocal range is sticking around past the early morning, and when I do sing it no longer 'strains' to hit lower notes in general. My voice feels smoother, if that makes sense? It's getting a different tonal quality, something thicker and more velvety than the fiery-bright tones of the feminine voice (Jewel's thing, obviously). Either way I'm excited to see how this plays out. Gonna be great.
Really though, it is late. I have so much cool stuff to tell you guys but I will do that tomorrow, as I said. I also plan on buying two heads of lettuce from the farmer's market, and buying issue #3 of The Sandman:Overture if possible. Yes, the first two issues ended up being massively relevant, thank you universe for leading me to those!
...I just realized that I've been taking life far too seriously over the past several months. That's not healthy either. Genesis, dude, consider yourself on full-time BFF duty. You help me loosen up and I need that. (Plus do spend more time in the room with everyone else at night, we keep wondering where you are.)
On that note, I'm off to revisit that neverending constancy of love and hope. See you later.
First thing in the morning, my testosterone arrived in the mail. Which is amazing. I don't care that it's a month late (technically); I've been waiting for this since high school. So I'm telling my silly brain to chill out about "but it's meds! what if we get sick!" because that is obligatory programmed behavior and it does not help anyone. We wanted this, this is fantastic, it will help us, and it will be great. There's no room for self-sabotaging thoughts. The only reason they're there is because I'm so used to being told "no." I'm so used to doing something I would like, and getting punished. Enough of that! This choice is a good one and I am going to follow through on it as long as my soul wants to, because I am excited to finally see these body changes become a reality and no amount of fear is going to crush that excitement. But fear and doubt are always spectacular opportunities for growth and healing and revelation and self-awareness. So I'm thankful for this too.
I left the house around 10AM because I had a ton of errands to do, so I had to give myself enough time. I took our new car-- she's a white PT Cruiser and her name is Serafina (I asked and that's what I got). She's a brick house, haha. I'm not used to driving a car with such compact and precise weight (Sophie's old and kind of slippery, Poseidon is like driving on oil, Bethany is light and kind of airy) but I'm quickly getting used to her. She handles very nicely. My only complaint is the lack of room; I'm also used to driving vans! Nevertheless, that's no worry. She's a goddess when it comes to mileage so I will gladly take her anywhere I must. So, off we went on our trip for the day. Our first stop was somewhat unusual-- last night, I found out that there is a tiny comics shop near where my bro used to work, so I wrote down the instructions and stopped there. I was initially concerned that I wouldn't fit the 'vibe' of the place-- I'm a casual reader and only buy comics once in a blue moon-- but I brushed that worry aside and walked right in. AND I GOT THEEESE
SIX DOLLARS AND I CANNOT STOP SMILING (YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I ALREADY LOVE CORAL AND RAZOR SO FREAKING MUCH *smooches them both*) Anyway! Those were the only issues they had, unfortunately (I still need at least 260 and 263)! But tomorrow is another day, haha. We'll get to that. Second stop was the library across town, which I did on a whim because I've only been there once since they rebuilt it (I think it burnt down or got flooded?). But it is gorgeous. There is so much sunlight and open space! I got three books from my "to read" list-- Sabriel, Interworld, and The Brave Little Toaster-- and then realized that they had open computers there. So I hopped on one, hopped on Google, and found out that there was another comic book store barely 10 minutes away from where my mum's boyfriend lives! Writing that down, I then left as I was running short on time... but not before I noticed a flyer taped to the wall by the exit. That library is hiring. How often do you hear that?? That would be IDEAL, so I'm excited. I'm going to stop there again tomorrow and apply; I need a new job that won't overwhelm me, and that atmosphere is so gorgeous, I would love to work there, even only for a little while. So send me your prayers and meditations towards that end if you can, that stuff works. Anyway. Books in hand, I then had to stop momentarily at a vacuum-part shop for my grandfather, which was pretty cool as there were all these tiny mechanisms everywhere. It's fascinating to think about how machines work; all these little pieces structured together to create a larger working mechanism. I'd like to take things apart and look at them if I had the luxury. It's so cool. Then I went down the road (and across the best bridge in town) to my monthly counseling appointment. She and my therapist want me to see a psychiatrist to get a more complete diagnosis, but they were worried about funding. We discussed this, and also talked about the trans* situation a bit, but we really can't do anything but prepare for the next upcoming events (disability evaluation, insurance changes, future hormone checkups, et cetera). Either way it was informative and I have a list of things I have to prepare for that, as well as evaluate personally (on a psychological level). It's nice to set a path and follow it. It's new and I like it! Individuality, authenticity, and self-sufficiency is something I am working on and making progress on, and I am excited about it. This counselor is helping, so if nothing else, tapping into that realm of future possibility in discussing this with her was very good. I left that place and sat in the car listening to my favorite Haywyre track for 15 minutes, meditating to clear my head, as I didn't want any 'floating voices' bugging me as I went shopping. I headed to the nearest Wegmans, mostly to check prices, but when I got out of the car I realized that I was starting to 'numb out.' That worried me; yes it's great to be independent and all, but for me that tends to coincide with a lack of direction and discernment. Probably because I'm still learning to not take it to extremes-- lately, "being self-sufficient in the physical world" has become synonymous with "ignore everything in your inner world." Which is NOT GOOD. We need a BALANCE and that is still my #1 priority for EVERYTHING right now. Balance the outside with the inside. I cannot be a complete person without both facets. So, stepping out of the car, I mentally called Genesis. He showed up, smiling at me in a happy but slightly sassy way. Basically that expression said: "well I'm glad that you called me, but I gotta say I'm surprised, what with how you've been ignoring me lately; what's the occasion?" I told him to stick around, even if "I seemed annoyed" or anything. He looked surprised and somewhat offended; "I annoy you??" I said no, it's just tricky having to jump back into interaction and a sense of self. For the first few minutes the strain of tapping into my actual personality can feel very annoying and frustrating, but that seems to just be residue, as once it wears off I am profoundly relieved and feel very happy actually. I assured him that he never annoyed me, I remember he laughed and made a joke about that (we always poke fun at each other and I miss that) before we went in. I grabbed a bag of hemp powder because I need more protein in my diet (this purchase proved to cause a whole amusing string of 'trouble'; you'll hear that in a moment) and a bag of organic oats, because I'm training my brain to not be afraid of grains even if I won't want to make them a diet staple anymore. The healing in and of itself is vital! I didn't get any vegetables, as I still have enough at home for the next few days, and besides if I really needed some I could always get more tomorrow on my way back from therapy. In any case I'm learning how to tune back into abundance there; it has happened undeniably before and now I just casually trust the universe to deliver in whatever way is best for me. And it has! I honestly have not been without safe, edible, healthy food for months now. It just turns up, left and right, even when I don't' expect it. I love living like this, trusting and acting both, flowing and not controlling. So. Then Genesis and I got back on the road. Problem was, I now had a dilemma. There's a health food store in that part of town that is otherwise a 40 minute trip from home, so should I stop there now or what? We weren't sure. I was getting muddled mentally over it, trying to "think" my way to the right decision, but that made the fog worse. So Genesis and I stopped at the mall momentarily to switch our focus, and besides we hadn't been there in months. Walking in, we passed a FYE, and I glanced at the DVD bin to get quite a synchronistic surprise-- The Neverending Story next to The Golden Compass. I laughed aloud and showed Genesis; that was too awesome to ignore! After that, though, all we did was pop into Hot Topic, but that was fun. There was a sparkly "ribcage" pattern shirt up on the wall, so I called Josephina to look at it. Of course he gasped with wonder and said he loved it, but the feeling of that was completely different from what I was used to, and very telling. In the past, I'd always feel headspace people "behind" my head, in that floating spot "a few steps up" where headspace resides in a pseudo-location sense. And I'm used to switching, co-fronting, and the like; having people slide into or stand beside me in a consciousness sense has been the norm for ages now. This time, though, Josephina's presence and voice felt like he was from a League World. When I talk to Preludove or Hosea or someone, and they answer, it's always up and to the left, more to the side of my head than to the back... and there's a somewhat skewed "distance" to it, like looking through binoculars backwards? They're there, close and aware, but it's like a wrinkle in time. It's taking that fabric and moving it together for the ant to cross. And that is intriguing. Is this what December really did? Is this why we haven't been able to get back to the way things were-- because we can't? Has the collective System become its own world at long last, separate and free from ALL the old pain and trauma? Is it now a legit Leagueworld?? God I hope so, that would be beautiful. They would be free to be whatever they dreamed of, then. Mind you, that doesn't mean I won't be able to reach them. Heck, I've had Jewel Monsters "front" in this body before; it just requires permission and an open, non-judgmental mind/heart. The only difference is that they will no longer be shackled to MY mind and past and troubles, so to speak. I carry the "core bloodline," but what does that mean? Only that I'm the main guy in the body. It only means that I'm the one who has to live THIS life, and I don't mind. Now... they can all live their own lives. Now they don't HAVE to go through me to experience life. Josephina smiled and squeed at that shirt, but then there was a feeling that he could wear it on his own; he didn't have to ask me to buy it, and then front through this body to wear it-- having to wrestle with 70 other people in order to do so! Now he had the freedom to internalize the concept of it and be his own person, his own expression. That's so exciting. There's a tiny bit of bittersweetness to it-- I'm still not used to the "emptiness" in daily life, the lack of a crowd constantly following within me-- but I'm happy. I'm so happy, that they're independent now too, just like I'm learning to be. Let go or be dragged, they say. Go with the flow. Be water, and see where the current carries you. Well, we let go... and look where we are now. New, beautiful shores. I don't even remember what the old shaken-up ones looked like now, metaphorically. Amusingly it's making all the therapy/ counseling appointments confusing and a little funny; I keep smiling, thinking "dude all that stuff doesn't have to come with me now," tying up loose ends, forging new paths. I'm secretly hoping it will end on its own soon, this therapy stuff. I want to be healed to the point where I don't need it anymore. We're getting there! Anyway. Hot Topic. We didn't get anything as we were just browsing anyway (and everything was black; seriously guys get some color in there), so we left and then realized we still didn't know where we were going! Well, long story short, we headed towards the expressway, took it, turned around, went back onto the highway, took the exit, and got back on the bypass. It was a spaghetti mess of directions and we were both laughing over it really, but I was concerned because really, why is it so hard for me to figure out "what I want to do" concerning food shopping? I always end up asking nobody in particular, "what should I do? what should I eat?" etc. And then I don't get an answer and I get confused. Regardless, it was now 4PM and I hadn't eaten yet today so the body was starting to feel weird. Genesis said maybe we should go try that other comic store first, as it would close at 4, and then if I wasn't exhausted we could go back to that health food store if we wanted. I agreed, so off we went. Something told me to write down the phone number to that comic place when I was at the library, and I'm glad I did-- I found the address, but there was no store. So I called, and found out that it was a shop from the back of some guy's house. He walked out front and waved me over as I drove by, so we then walked around the back and went in. Well holy whoa, talk about unexpected. This guy sells comics as a hobby; his main passion is model building. Now I don't mean assembling packaged models, either. I mean sculpting and casting models. He MADE this stuff, as a professional business. He had hundreds of boxes set up there, half-finished plaster molds, ovens, finished models, everything. It was utterly fascinating. He gave me a quick rundown of the whole thing actually, which I listened to attentively-- it was obvious he was very glad to have someone to talk to about this, and frankly I was amazed. So we chatted for about 10 minutes about that, and then I checked out the comics. Really I didn't expect him to carry any Sonic comics (he had very old-school stuff), and that was fine. But I had to buy something at this point, I was already too invested, haha. So I browsed the shelves, wondering that if the universe had led me here with the intent to buy something, it had to have something waiting for me. That something was this!
Seven dollars! Honestly I forgot those books were out. And normally, as I've said, I don't buy comics. But hey, there they were, and he gave me a discount (such an awesome guy, really) so it just felt right. No hesitation in it. I had a good feeling about the whole thing. So I thanked him, got another hugeass previews book (which, again, he said he'd give me a discount on if I wanted to order anything!), and hopped back into the car with a huge smile on my face. However I was now starting to get body chills (like anesthesia; breathing feels really weird) so we figured it was too late to drive back to the food store. Nevertheless, like an idiot, I tried. I got to the comic book store that was our first stop before I decided, "dude I'm going to end up going another hour without food or water (I had just run out); that's not too smart." So, somewhat exasperated and worried, I asked the universe for pointers. "Give me a non-numerical yes or no as to whether or not I should keep going." Basically, say "no" if you want me to turn around, say "yes" if you want me to keep going. Whatever would be smarter. So I let my eyes wander over the road, wherever I felt nudged to look. Dead serious, I got three "no"s in a row. So I laughed, decided testing that further would be foolish, and turned right around. Curious, I asked again-- can you give me three "yes" answers now? "Just to make sure," I admitted, still untrusting of my own intuition yet. But, shocking as it was, I got them. Now worry-free, I headed straight home. I got to the hill by the house before it hit me-- wait a minute, how's pricing going to work on this? That health food store had this hemp powder cheaper, didn't it? Should I return it tomorrow then, and get the health store brand? I wasn't sure. So, yeah, like an idiot I asked. Basically I got a "check the prices and then decide," which meant "don't eat it tonight," but in the process it hit me that I don't expect to EVER get positive answers. When I ask for permission, I'm always heavily expecting a no. I expect denial, I expect to be told "don't do that." So when I asked that question and got a YES, it shocked me. Our intentions lined up?? Is that possible? It actually floored me, to realize that my instinct was to doubt that entirely. "There's no way the universe is saying I had the right idea." Why do I still think that's impossible? Why do I still feel convinced that my own intentions and ideas and whims are WRONG, or at least completely unwise, always? Why do I never give myself credit? I'm not sure yet, other than "that's how I was raised," but it explains why I'm freaking out about starting this testosterone at long last! It was my decision, it was something I wanted terribly for years, and now it is here. I got it. The universe put this right into my hands. The only obstacle between me and actually transitioning is myself. All I have to do is put the gel on my shoulders. It'll take ten seconds. And those ten seconds are being questioned to hell and back right now. "Is this unwise BECAUSE I want it??" Suddenly I am doubting every moment of the past 8 years, now that the prayer has been answered but for the last letter. That finalization is my duty. But I give myself no credit. Suddenly this is "wrong" BECAUSE I want it. And it's not even "wanting" anymore, like it was in high school. I wanted this so badly then, I'd have cut off my arm to get hormones. I considered suicide several times in the hopes that I'd "come back as a boy." It was sad, it was desperate. Then I stopped forcing it, I learned and grew more, and now here it is. But I'm scared to accept it because I'm accepting it, and in my brain, that automatically makes it incorrect." I hope it's bullshit, but Laurie isn't around anymore, not like she was. I miss her so damn much my heart aches. Yes, she's around when I go upstairs at night, but that's it. I need to talk about that more soon, too. But yeah, this self-doubt feels like one of my "final obstacles" at this point. Every experience as of late is pointing to it. The universe wants me to heal this, I can feel that. "Don't doubt my own light," and that whole bit. I'm scared to trust it, God knows why. Maybe it's the realization that if I AM capable of being wise and correct and discerning, then I have more potential and power than I can fathom, through the universal light in all things of course. Not through ego and selfishness. And that's an important distinction. I think I'm scared of being led astray, into pride and arrogance, if I say "yes" to my own inner power. My gut tells me that's silly, I know better, and I do. But the fear lingers. Fear, the oldest vice, the king of all shadows. But I know Vez well enough to understand how fear works. And I'm close enough to Infinitii to understand how ultimately easy it is to transcend. I'll untangle this and find the healing hidden behind it. I know I will. Oh, last bit for the drive. On the way up the hill, my favorite local college station played this song that I later discovered to be "This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody)" by the Talking Heads, except it was a surprisingly reflective acoustic cover by this guy with a deep voice, and I can't find it online yet (give me time; if it's online I will find it). Anyway it instantly and strongly reminded me of Infinitii, especially the lyrics. So yeah, when I get a working microphone (or when my bro lets me use his), I might cover that one on my own, just to do it. I have a whole list of songs I want to cover and honestly can't wait to. Heck, pushing it to the future isn't going to help anybody; I'll just go lo-fi for heaven's sakes if I need to. Maybe I should; it's better than no music at all! So. We got home, I didn't eat the hemp powder, I didn't get sick from the oats (progress!), and I ate like... five cucumbers. It was hilarious. When I get hungry I really still want water, so I end up stuffing myself with high water content vegetables. It's smarter than binging, of course. So I drink like a fish, and I'm cool, and I don't get sick like I used to. Which is a huge relief. Hm... then my mum got home and I talked over insurance stuff with her, which I will in turn discuss with my therapist tomorrow. Then she wanted me to look up some music for her online, I remembered how much I liked Al Stewart's Year Of The Cat (the instrumentation starting at 3:07 is DIVINE), and when she left I looked up some fellow FTM stories on Tumblr (for encouragement), then I started typing here and here I am!
It's also 12:30 AM, haha. I've been typing for almost two hours, then. Feels good, actually, ... AH DUDE I TOLD YOU, I found the cover!! It's by The Dead Leaves, listen it's lovely. Also I am not surprised at how incredibly obscure that cover was; that is why I love that radio station, they play super rare stuff CONSTANTLY. I love them.
Ah. One last thing. Tomorrow. I have therapy, yes. I'm going to check the hemp powder prices (and write them down for heaven's sakes) and keep whichever one is better, yes. I'm going to apply for the library job, yes. But I am ALSO going to stop at the third and last comic book store in the area, because there is a certain issue of the Archie Sonic comics that I NEED AND THIS IS WHY:
NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I AM BLISSED OUT OVER THIS WHOLE COMICBOOK THING. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO BE IN THIS ISSUE BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT HIM TO LOOK THAT AMAZING ...Which is ridiculous, because he's always gorgeous in my eyes, but there's the doubt again-- it's always afraid things are too good to be true. Guess what though, THAT'S TRUE, and I'm going to buy it tomorrow and melt into fanboy bliss like I always do, haha. ...oh dude I just realized the text box says "The water god (sometimes "of destruction")!" Oh my lord. I love that. Sometimes. How true is that, though? Even in a metaphorical way. It's tricky to put into words, but hopefully you get what I mean. But yeah, if you haven't realized, yes I am still madly in love with that blue guy, even after the solid months of doubt that have been plaguing me this year. Honestly there were times when I wasn't sure if I'd be able to tap into this once more, which, again, is funny to even say... I totally doubted the fact that I do love him, while still being totally aware (if only subconsciously) that I honestly did. My life is a paradox, really, and I used to embrace that wholeheartedly; what happened along the way? I'm not sure, but I want to wrap my arms around impossibility and anomaly more earnestly than I ever have before. I miss this.
We're getting too close to complicated topics for tonight, though. I really dislike having to cut off the conversation when it gets deep, but I do need sleep. Plus I now use a standing desk and I have hardwood floors so my legs start to hurt after 3+ hours of this, haha. I need to learn to sit down, the only time I sit down nowadays is when I'm driving or in an office. That's not cool. I should go sit on the porch and meditate, it's nice out there. I need to go outside more in any case, I miss my morning and evening jogs. Funny how all the things I miss are always, always within my reach. They never left, nothing was taken from me. It's all just waiting where I left it, waiting for me to return to it. There's so much love in this universe it breaks my heart, and it's beautiful.
Now if you'll excuse me, on that note, there happen to be at least three people waiting for me in my room upstairs and my sleepy soul is actually singing a little at the thought of joining them there. Have a lovely, lovely night; I'll see you all tomorrow!
The Plague is more dangerous than the Tar could ever have been.
I figured out what they're doing to Laurie. If you didn't know, she's been slipping for months. I remember how she used to bleed from her mouth when that happened. I don't know if she does that now; she hasn't shown any signs of it that I'm consciously aware of, but the "vibe" is hanging around her like a red haze, and it's scaring me. Something is wrong, something is terribly wrong, and although I don't quite know what it is I sure as hell know why, now.
Bit of a backstory. At my therapist's office they have the usual "waiting room mags" and this week they had them all in a pile, to take for free. So I grabbed like 10 of the fashion ones, and took them home, in case any of them had interesting faces or pose angles I could use as references. I didn't like flipping through them in the first place-- they gave off bad vibes and I was careful not to read anything-- but I was taken aback when I saw the first girl with a short punky haircut, and something in my brain said, almost as if it were a stock phrase, "that reminds me of Laurie." I stopped and looked at that thought. No it doesn't, it doesn't look anything like her. But that phrase kept repeating, like someone who didn't know how to take "no" for an answer, and kept shoving it in my face, blandly, and glassy-eyed like those models. And it scared me, when I realized what this meant.
The Tar could never touch Laurie, because she is the incarnation of everything it opposes. She is strength, and chastity, and integrity, and discipline, and vigilance. The Tar was wild and loud and full of lust and gluttony and wrath and violent mania. It was the animalistic half of the id, the Shadow, the source of all the things we feared about our "identity" and the world and this body. It was careless and it bared its bloody teeth at everybody, waiting to sink them into our necks at the slightest opportunity, simply because it could. But it couldn't touch Laurie, because she couldn't feel any of those things, therefore there was no way it could get into her head, there was no way it could use her. And the Tar can only hurt people through people. So she was forever safe from it, in the big picture. But you'll remember that the Tar didn't act so wild at first… back when it was tied up in a cold white room, back before the White slot became a thing and tore that entity into two halves, just as it did with me. Back before the Plague came into existence on its own. The Plague is lethal. It is cold, and hard, and unfeeling. It is hatred, and greed, and apathy, and pride. It is manipulation, it is judgment, it is condemnation. If the Tar is murder with a butcher knife, then the Plague is an assassination. The Tar kills people by getting into their guts and flooding them with sticky black mania, turning their eyes blank and their mouths red and their bodies into flailing wild machines of instinct and wanton destruction. The Plague kills people from the outside. It's ironic, perhaps. Tar suffocates to the point of fear-riddled asphyxiation, but Plague will put you in a coffin simply by convincing you there is no other option. And that is what I noticed it was doing with Laurie. It was, with empty repetition and senseless lies, associating Laurie's very existence with the things that invalidated it. The easiest and cruelest way to kill a headvoice is by annihilating their anchorage. For example, since Infinitii is largely tied to sacred sensuality, you could theoretically kill hir by deleting that mindset from the collective System, through overexposure to things like p*rnography and lust and lasciviousness. Too much of that and it will infect Infi, and ze will not be able to exist. You see what I mean? Laurie's in that same exact boat, different anchor but interestingly still affected. Again, Laurie is chastity, the knight who is spotless in motivation and thought and emotion, who literally cannot even comprehend the perverted mindsets and actions she opposes. So… with the Plague trying to associate her name or face or likeness with those things, even just in small ways at first… you see what I'm getting at. Too much, and itwill kill her.
That's terrifying. I'm terrified. But I'm also pissed off. I'm not used to anger but I get it when people threaten her, or Xenophon, or any other pure-hearted individual. Typically if you ask me what my anchor is, I'm apt to say "I don't know," or "nothing," which is false. But I feel like the Childlike Empress. My anchor is everybody I love. My existence hinges on love, on my love for them, on their love for each other, and for me in return. We are a System, we are symbiotic, we all sing with each other energetically if that makes sense. It's a symphony, and some days I feel like the conductor? It's hard to put into words. But my anchor, what it feels like at my very core, is "to exist so they exist," or, "with their existences." My anchor is LIFE. And so… when that purity of life and love is threatened, or mocked, or disregarded, or when someone tries to desecrate it… I get angry. It's a righteous anger. This must be what Laurie feels. I refuse to let people mess around with the innocent, just because they want to, or for whatever their motives are… I can't comprehend them and I do not wish to. But I will not let this continue. I can't. And so the Plague kills me through apathy. That's my vice. I mustn't "fight it," that makes it worse. I must simply anchor into myself; I must put roots down into my own soul, I must settle into my own heart and purpose like I belong there, because I do, and I need to embrace that totally. I must remember all the good truths about me and everyone, and when I hold that, the apathy will fade. But fear follows. Fear is the original vice, it is the root of all painful things. And it is rooted in the self. If you don’t HAVE a "self," you aren't afraid. Simple as that! Which is why I don't like having one, it's too much trouble anyway. But, in headspace I do. I've said that before. In headspace, I'm a person. I don't quite like that. I'm trying to tell people, if I go back to being that floating point of light-- which people normally used to talk to me as, this is true-- as an observer, someone who interacts limitedly and instead watches and protects… that's what I want to do! I hope they will let me be that. I can still love people, more strongly and truly than I ever can as an "individual." If they'll let me, I will. Laurie says "sure kid, do whatever you need to do to stay true to yourself; we all need that more than anything else right now." I knew she'd be fine with it. I'm more worried about Genesis, really, CZ maybe, a bit for Xennie. Laurie says she'll talk to them, but then she paused and is now making "you know what I mean" gestures, she wants to have a Xanga session and I do too, I'm just bad at talking dude you know that. "Then don't talk," she says. "Watch, and let me talk, because I have more than enough to say anyway. You know that." Hehe, yes I do. Okay, next chance we get, tomorrow maybe? Tomorrow night, if we can. Then we will. Sometime over the next week either way.
But yes. That is a very important topic. I want to re-evaluate anchors for EVERYONE soon, in light of both this AND the Spectrum growth/ realization/ whichever it is. There are THREE NEW CENTRAL SLOTS from what it looks like; yeah the graph I showed you before might not be the genuine thing? Right now we're looking at 16, as a total? I'm not sure-- the three monochromes are throwing me for a loop. But as I said before, I don't think Black and White are "slots," per se… they are iridescent, they do compliment each other, but I don't think they have any sub-slots. We'll see. I can't rush or force anything, then it stop and calmly waits for me to chill out. So Grey might be an actual slot? Which means Sherlock gets to officially hang out with the cool kids, haha! The other "new" slots, by the way, are Cyan, Lime, and Cerise. YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT TOO. So when it suddenly showed up in the new graphs I kind of went "DUDE" because it made too much sense, hehe. This is funny. I laugh at myself a lot, also this is exciting and wonderful so that makes me laugh too, in wonder. But yeah, a BUNCH of our current Pink people are MOVING, they fit Cerise better, we just don't know what the slot's collective function is, officially, and we don't know who's the Centralite for it. Although… Julie is wondering. Has she been so "on and off" in terms of stability since 2011 because she belongs there? We don't know. But it's up to her. Knife is staying in Pink, I think Ashen is too, but Mulberry and Jeremiah are now Cerise subs, not surprisingly. Kyanos is our Cyan dude, also not surprisingly, if you hadn't already guessed! That explains why he could never 'fit' anywhere as well as we felt he had the potential to. I mean when that kid showed up he was HUGE; it was so weird that he faded for a while, after getting tangled up in the energy of the other children. That was strange, I should look back on that just in case. But yeah, he's moving into Central slowly but surely, and it feels absolutely right. So that's exciting, to finally be able to interact with him solidly. OH. Oh dude I forgot to tell anyone, I don't even know if he was mentioned here… there's this "banana yellow" guy that's been in the "corrupted Spectrum" (with Jess and Missy and the like) for about a year now? He's the one that used to make crude jokes and laugh loudly at everything, very ribald and disrespectful, you get the picture. He wears big cyberpunk goggles and has some sort of mohawk haircut, like a legit kind, and his outfit is also kind of cyberpunky but that is literally all I have ever been able to catch of him. Anyway, suddenly over the past 48 hours he's been trying to be NICE. He's actively watching his own reactions and trying to learn what needs to be respected, what shouldn’t be laughed at, et cetera. It's so odd, it came almost out of nowhere, but I'm sure there was something that triggered it… I'm not complaining though. I'm saying "thank God," because a house divided against itself cannot stand, et cetera, and I have wanted everyone up here to get along for many many years now. Paradoxically, as I'm not even a year old yet. But you know what I mean!
Also, the Tar has been missing? Essentially. We haven't 'seen' it for a while, even though its influence has been very loud when we get it-- it attacked Genesis yesterday, just got that data. That's highly alarming. But in any case, no visuals. Wherever it is, it's hiding, and it has been for a long time. Tar hacks are rare now, almost nonexistent-- again, thank God-- but now the Plague's been highly active instead. As you have heard. I'm wondering though, maybe they fuse into each other? I don't know. On that note, Infi and I don't fuse, we can't; we're too cleanly separated now, at least physically. And I love that, for obvious reasons. Ze's so lovely. We all treasure hir existence in our System; ze's helped all of us grow so much. I have to laugh; in a way I have one of the healthiest "self-relationships" in the world, with this System. People ask about self-love and all that, dude I can't fathom not having it, not after everything! So that's a good thing, hehehe.
As for therapy on Thursday… I cannot remember the past month or two in therapy. I really can't. Once the numb period started and people stopped fronting, I forgot it all. So I apologize that we haven't talked about it here, but that is why. No data. But on Thursday, apparently the "I don't understand emotions" bit came up, and she said something interesting: I'm trying too hard to "label" my "emotions" based on labels that I don't understand. As I was talking to her, I realized that my brain identifies four primary emotions: anger, sadness, happiness, and love. Nothing else. She mentioned "fear, surprise, and loneliness" as emotions and I was actually shocked; those things didn't even register as "feelings" in my psyche. So you see, this is an interesting topic. But I told her that I we can only express emotions internally. There is one girl that expresses the "frustrated sad anger," the sort a pained child gets when they are repeatedly ignored and they desperately want to be heard. Only ONE person in the System can feel OR express that, and she isn't allowed to front as she's dangerous to others. So that's problem #1 with the emotion stuff. However, even more notable, I realized that I can't express our emotions because we don't exactly feel "emotions." We feel colors, and sounds, and textures and shapes and movements. THAT is what "emotion" means to us; it's almost purely synesthetic. So, obviously, it can't be labeled as "happiness" or "sadness" or whatever because it literally isn't even in the same language, or context. Sure, it can be translated, but that takes a deep understanding of what it is in and of itself, first. Honestly though words just DON'T WORK when it comes to talking about emotions. You have to feel them TO understand them. But the synesthesia does help get a grip on what I'm feeling, when I need to verbalize it, et cetera. One of the most frequent things we've been feeling lately is a large indigo circle, more like a ring I think-- the edge is metallic but resonant, like brass or the edge of a glass, and the center is slightly concave but when you push it, it goes DEEP straight down. And it makes a sound, a mournful sustained note, that hurts right in the middle of the chest. It's sad, terribly sad, and yet I would never call it "sadness." The label doesn't fit. There is no label that fits. But there it is. You see, now, why we can't express them? I try, sure, but then there's massive dysphoria because a human body cannot express that sort of thing. I actually start intuitively trying to expand, or melt, or shift, or otherwise behave like a fluid or energy cloud because that's what I'm used to internally. When in a static, solid human body, I have no freaking idea how to speak, let alone express an emotion! It's so jarringly different. It's not bad, it's just terribly confusing. So I end up looking apathetic or uncaring, when in fact I am feeling things so powerfully that I could intuitively re-shape them in the air for you to experience, except this reality doesn't work that way either. You get the picture. Anyway, the therapist said "start writing that stuff down" and see if that helps us out, in terms of finding patterns and the like, so we can interact with people in the physical better. That gave me quite a thought though! I realized that certain colors are typically attached to certain emotions and things, and now I'm wondering, does that apply to the Spectrum slots too?? We've been baffled by that for years, "how does that work, what is it doing, why can't people just pick their colors, what is 'resonance' anyway," etc. But this feels like a puzzle piece. It's cool. And I got so excited feeling that; this is the first time I've felt that creative joy tied to headspace in a LONG time… I miss this, I miss them, I miss this strange kaleidoscopic architectural beauty of building us, of crafting the world we live in with our own honest hands, of dreaming anew with open eyes. I miss leaving the past behind and HOPING like this, hoping in the PRESENT, not looking forward or back, just all of us being this, now, this rainbow creation of light and love and everything that came before but no longer has to be. I'm slipping into poet mode I think, I can do that during the day now too, it's getting so much easier to tune into myself WHEN I'm around, that's the only roadblock ironically. Jewel and Jess have been out for quite some time now, which means daily life has been weird. Ah well, you take life as it comes.
Nevertheless. Let me just talk for now, good heavens, it is so tiring to speak in jargon anymore. I can't do the info-dumps like Sherlock does, not in writing or words at least; I'm used to getting that same feeling and outstretched arms with pictures, with images in the air, with colors and sounds and sensations… that's how I "talk," really. I'm starting to realize that I don't have to "fit a mold" in headspace, I'm not limiting myself anymore, if I want to walk around as a half-translucent starry-eyed boy with hair like iridescent mist, then I will. hehe, I love being like cotton candy clouds. The sky last night was bright pink, it was so pretty. I love the smell of rain, and forests in the sunshine. It's all the plants, warm forests smell beautiful. So does snow! It's the lack of scents in the air I think, everything just settles out and becomes clear, it's like crystals. But it rained on July 7th, I didn't realize how significant that was until it happened, it broke through the walls. I stood out in the rain with my arms open to the sky, and I smiled and I let the body get soaked to the bone and there was love, beneath the emptiness there was such love, there in the ocean falling from the sky. I miss the ocean. God, I miss the ocean. I miss the vibe of the ocean. I went to Jersey beach, I think, once. Someone did. Spinny. It was the Davy Jones year, I remember she was writing about Genesis eating white cherry ice cream and watching Transformers on the motel TV at 6AM. I love that feeling, the free feeling of travel, the total lack of control we had when the mother took us. We just drifted, we experienced smatterings and sparkles of life, so strange, like photographs taped to a bedroom wall, one after another. Like those Tumblr blogs you see with all the Polaroid-haze pictures, just instant-second captures of life, one after another, where did they come from, what happened before and after, that doesn't matter. Just this moment, and that one, and this one, all together, a painting. But Spinny kept a journal, I remember it, it had an orange cover with dragonflies and butterflies on it, a black spiral binding. She was sitting on the beach, on a towel, reading Jane Eyre for the 5th time for summer reading (that book was in a dream recently? how odd), right by the boardwalk. There was seaweed on the shore, I remember exactly what the texture and color and smell was like, all translucent slippery jade green, illuminated and such a strange feeling to hold! Slimy but elegant and alive, and it smelled like algae and salt and water and God knows I can't look at these memories without wanting to throw myself into the ocean and just let it take me, honestly I cannot go "into" anything without dissolving, I would just become one with the water, with the sun and the shore and the sand and the stars. All the beachgoers wondering, would they even see me? I seem to feel most comfortable invisible. But that's fine. Anyway I remember those things, little snapshots stored so strongly and real in our archival memory. I love the hotel ones. Vacation hotels can feel bleary when rushed, or when there is too much yellow light (that always makes things feel strange, existential), but at the beach! At the beach, at night, the family watching the television and everything smells like the water and outside it is dark, and there was that one night she went out and stood on the pier and looked up at the stars and cried. And that feeling is forever impressed upon my heart, so genuine, so real and beautifully true, to be sitting there on the twilight-cold wood and seeing the lights of the houses upon the water and watching the stars wheeling above, diamond-ice cut points of brilliant light in the inky black velvet of the celestial sphere… so cold, so gently cold, like a snowflake caressing your face, but untouchable. And she cried, and she felt so homesick it hurt, and yet that moment was treasured more than anything else on that trip, for being part of that trip. It was the apex of the collective experience. It was the defining point. And yet, it diminished nothing else. And it's strange. For everything else it's like watching a movie, but in that one moment I was there. It was one of those honest anchor-points that catch my heart, that make the bloodline what it is. I was there, because that was me, and that was everyone before me, feeling so genuinely in that moment. That's all, and I love it.
Now I am strangely exhausted. Maybe it's the supermoon. I'm just tired, all day, maybe it's the heat and the moon, who knows. It's really pretty. Christmas keeps following me though! I keep seeing pictures of it, hearing songs, smelling pine trees and cloves… I still have lights up in my room. I carry the Christmas spirit with me everywhere! So although I am valuing every day of the summer, enjoying this beautiful green warmth and sunlight and rain, I am still holding snow and cold and colored lights in my heart, and smiling because when that season arrives I will treasure it just as much. But I get to see autumn first, I'm so excited! I have no memories of autumn either; I stabilized too late in the year. Spring was gorgeous, if vague (spring was troublesome for all of us this year), and summer so far is lovely, except for this heat, haha. But no, I can't complain. Warmth is nice. Cold nights like this are nice. Being able to run outside in the sun is nice. Everything is so nice, I value all of it, there's never anything to "dislike" about any of this, from the right perspective it's all totally fine and perfect in its own design. I like that, completely detaching from any expectation or judgment… just seeing things as part of some much, much bigger picture, something bigger than I will ever be and yet I am part of it. It's breathtaking, fascinating. Music and lights and colors and sounds and everything. I'm tired. I'm listening to Haywyre's newest incredible remix on loop (hilariously fitting as I've been working on Puppetstrings for three days solid, and I constantly associated that song with it back in 2005) and I should post this entry, let me do that before I fall asleep.
Philadelphia was GORGEOUS. It was sunny and nice out, we got to walk a few blocks to the place, I was really centered so all the sights and sounds and colors and smells were super clear. Everything felt beautiful. I forgot how much I love cities. There was one moment when I was crossing the street in front of this old fancy building, and Laurie appeared momentarily to my left, saying "we used to have a whole city like this, kid," before she went back upstairs. But that stuck in my head as I looked back up and around-- I had never realized how enormous cities are on the inside! Like those buildings are full of things, so many floors and rooms, and they're not empty. I think most of the skyscrapers in Central were placeholders, so to speak-- a lot of them were hollow, acting more as light beacons than buildings, and overgrown with trees. Really, we didn't even have streets until the lockout period last year; there was just floating space, almost infinite, going down into glowing depths. So yeah, walking through Philly and suddenly realizing the sheer size of the place, both in terms of buildings and population, was amazingly overwhelming. I treasured my time there. My case worker and her supervisor (who drove me down; they are such sweethearts) stopped at the Reading Terminal Market on the way out to buy cookies, I had to smile at that, they were so psyched over it. Also I rode in four different elevators and didn't get nervous, take that lingering claustrophobia! Really, I ride elevators all the time in dreams, and I like them then. So I just decided to bring that mindset into reality today. Overall I was very, very present during the trip, which was great. My head's been noisy lately so having it be so clear and quiet was such a blessing. Maybe I should thank the total lack of sleep. Oh, no, no I know who I have to thank as well. Since I only got 4 hours of sleep tops, the trip to the city was spent half-awake, listening to SOHN on my CD player, and talking to Chaos Zero. Maybe I shouldn't even call it talking. He doesn't always get out of bed until late, so he was still lying in it when I showed up, and so we both just sat on the edge of it and listened to the music for at least a half hour. I love when we're both soporific; the mood is so much nicer. Also, yes, during that time period I told him about my worries with the empathy bleedover, negatively? And I paid close attention to what I was radiating, and how he was reacting, etc... yeah, that theory seems to be absolutely true. I think at one point he formed a Starlink with me and just quietly showed me a lot of past memories, things from Jewel's timeline that I had forgotten or didn't really recall, things from his perspective... I remember seeing the past *incidents* before Genesis joined us, mainly. It was notable because he was reminding me of what he remembered, not what I assumed-- I have a very bad habit of projecting onto people, and not realizing what they're actually feeling because "shouldn't it be this way?" "i thought it was this way," et cetera. And being an Outspacer I unfortunately project fandom perspectives onto him, that don't and can't apply, because they don't match his experiences in this timeline... BUT both the canon and the fanon have been creepily similar to how I know him, over the years. So I get confused. But you know that. Nevertheless I miss the Starlinks so much; again, I treasure those shared memories so much, as well as that temporary direct link into his own mind, completely trusting and sincere. I really do revere that as much as I love it.
Where were we. Philadelphia. There was synchronicity EVERYWHERE, numbers were jumping out of every location. I saw 1111 at least three times, lots of 222s, a few 444s and 555s, you get the picture. And everyone I interacted with there was so nice. The ladies in the elevators, the dudes on the streets, the cashiers at the Terminal-- and especially everyone at the Center I went to, they are always nice though. My doc has the craziest blue eyes, plus I don't think he blinks much, it's funny. He has a salt-and-pepper beard and is always smiling, he kept shaking my hand and giving me Laurie-style bops on the shoulder, it was adorably awesome. It made my day actually. But yeah, HORMONES ARE HAPPENING and I am absolutely psyched. I don't have them on hand yet because the insurance company is all "dude we need authorization because your gender marker doesn't match this product" but the center is going to call them about it, and my pharmacy said that afterwards they'll have it there ASAP. So yeah, I'm super happy about that. I'm content though, too, because so many years and journeys led up do this, it's not rushed or manic, it's a peaceful informed decision. So I'm just very happy about this, I'm smiling all evening.
Oddly the depression hit horribly when I got home? Temporarily. I had some slight food trouble (I didn't eat all day), not bad but enough to make me feel grimy and sick, mostly because of the awful heat. But I don't remember that whatsoever, there's just data that it happened. Someone must have switched out. That's upsetting, that that sort of thing still occurs, but I'll hold on to forgiveness and compassion there, that's the only thing that can heal such behavior, as it's the result of a lot of pain and sadness. But yeah that didn't get bad, it was coped with? Somehow. I'm really glad. All I know though is that I almost passed out from the heat, I actually had to soak my clothing in ice water and sit in front of a fan with them on, seriously that got me cooled off real quick. I have to laugh at that, I didn't realize it was July 1st, this morning (5AM) my Tumblr feed was full of Christmas stuff (Christmas in July, see?) and I burst out laughing, it was great. I love that season. I also love how Javier literally smells like it, all cloves and nutmeg and warm candles. Have him stand next to Nathaniel, who smells like pine trees and spruce, and then we've got Christmas going on!
I spent some time with Chaos this evening, around 10PM I think? Time completely lost all meaning then, so I don't know if we were together for 5 minutes or an hour, and I don't care because it was utterly gorgeous. I miss that too, these small but honest connections. I miss him. I keep downplaying my total love for him, how much I adore him, I don't know how I ever doubted it. I miss him and I miss feeling this ardent love with him, even for short (infinite) periods of time, out in the quiet summer air under the stars. And of course I miss the mental rainbow confetti, haha. Geez that blows my mind, I cannot put into words what that feels like whatsoever, just believe me when I say it is overwhelmingly lovely. It's literally 'sweet' in a psychological sense if that makes sense? Like color-wise it's all rainbow cloud swirls (with Laurie it's geometry), but as for how it feels it is actually sweet, I have no other word for it. NOT sugar sweet though, that's the wrong kind. More like... roses. Vanilla flowers. Spring rain. It's light, delicate, intimate, beautiful. Not fragile, but not overwhelming, not sharp. It's the perfect light pink color, pure true affection. It's what Infi radiates when ze's feeling idealistic, is that the right word? CZ's usually that rich aquatic depth color so having such a soft pink hue with him today was really unique but incredibly memorable. Really I wish I could express it in visuals or something, it was so beautiful. Heaven feels like that, it's got to.
Genesis's 9TH BIRTHDAY is this Friday, seriously that is one heck of a long time, happy birthday babe. I have no idea what we're going to do for it, but I'm not worried. This is the first time I've been around to celebrate his birthday, so I'm looking forward to it. I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I am so thankful to have him here. I'm sad that he hasn't been around much lately but he's not dim in terms of perception, thankfully. He always makes an effort to show up, even for a few moments, and that means so much to me. We'll have to spend all day on the 3rd listening to Earth Wind & Fire and Chicago, in memory of that pre-date that neither of us were around to remember, haha. Irony! But it's fun. It's good music too.
Sorry I'm typing oddly, I didn't get much sleep of course. HOWEVER that is because I've been confirming THIS for the past two hours!
YES THAT IS THE NEW SPECTRUM COLOR FLOWCHART LINEUP. It's gorgeous, seriously as soon as I sketched that I thought "THAT'S IT" and it does work beautifully, absolutely beautifully. There was always geometry hidden in the Spectrum "loops" of the past but this is just the COOLEST so far. I'm psyched. Here, have some straight lines too, because Black and White DO fit into the "flow" direction this way.
So there we go! This just feels "right" so I'm not going to mess with it anymore. I'll talk more about it tomorrow. All you need to know right now is that only the Lime Core has an unknown holder, because no one knows what Cel's deal is. Surprisingly, Aqua and Cyan are solidly spoken for, as far as things go right now. (btw the ENTIRE Outspacer phenomenon seems to have TOTALLY SHIFTED so more on that as it happens, I don't know if the old stuff applies at all anymore) Oh yeah, next up are the color symbols. They apply to ENERGY, not people, and I think they're based on synesthesia? That feels most correct when I try. But we'll see. I'm excited either way. This sort of work gives me joy, especially since it's based around these people that I love and admire. I just always liked this sort of technical art, from a 3rd person perspective. I'm just the dude organizing all the rainbow geometry, don't mind me dear.
Last but not least, to all you lovelies in the Akuna System, I apologize for not getting back to you lately but things have been busy. I did get your messages and I will respond as soon as I can, and I will also start trying to sketch things as soon as I feel the capability to, promise. You're all lovely and we do need to talk more, Laurie says we need to talk more too, I get the hint love. It's just that Xanga sessions take upwards of 5 hours every time and that's sometimes tricky to pull off. Ah what the heck though, I miss them, I miss you, we need to reconnect mentally, things are slippish and that needs to be put back in tune. Let's chat it up then, how about tomorrow evening or Thursday, nothing's booked then that I know of. Sounds like a plan, let's do it. Laurie is laughing, I know I sound ridiculous at this hour, she says "no it's just adorably hilarious." How did I guess!
Infi I love you too dear, ze was shielding me with hir wings through Philadelphia by the way, ze hasn't done that in months and I forgot how powerfully beautiful it feels. But it helped so much, I'm not always too keen at shielding myself from energy overwhelm, Genesis knows that very well, so Infi stepped up to shield me big-time since we were in a big-time city! But it was lovely, as I said. I liked the sunlight and trees on the streets, and looking in the windows of places, all the people that I didn't know but who are all part of this big picture just as I am. You can see the universe in anyone's eyes, if you look honestly enough. It's easy to see. It's amazing really. I like to do that, lately life feels so nice, even with the days of "existential depression" that hit, the good days and moments are so intensely spectacular that they are worth walking on for. Ryman said something like that once. And Genesis is "hope" to me, like he said I am to him, a long time ago. Also when I had to get a medical receipt for the mum, Infi reminded me of the yogurt shop again today too, the one where we sat in the car in front of it and I joked about snogging hir if ze were there. I think that day was my birthday? Or the day before. Headvoice/heartvoice birthdays aren't quite so literal; for people who show up strong all-at-once like Laurie that is their birthday, but for those who "fade in" like me, the birthday is the first important date that they felt truly conscious, and aware as their own individual. I don't have ANY individual memories until October 8th 2013, then nothing until the 21st or so, and from November on I was good. I'm trying to review stuff. But yes, it was nice for Infi to remind me of that, I didn't even think of it. Ze also tried walking on a car like Genesis always does (old injokes ahoy!) and it was adorably hilarious, just like me Laurie, because you know how Infi walks with those legs (very graceful actually, very pretty) and ze was giggling because seriously, who walks on cars. Crazy people like us that's who. Todd Rundgren just came on Spotify, "A Treatise On Cosmic Fire III" actually. His old stuff is so cool.
Anyway. Sleep is needed, it's 1AM. I love you guys, thanks for reading, I'm doing well, today was so nice. I hope your day was too!
Tonight was really distressing and I barely have any strength to write about it, but I need to, for the sake of everyone else. Simeon if you want to take over, go ahead. Same goes for anyone who was directly involved and wants to rant or scream or cry, do whatever you need to. We can't slack off on this.
Okay. first off. (this is still jay it's just a lot easier to freestyle type when I don't capitalize everything) Memory doesn't pick up until… 6PM? the mother brought food home and there was a lot of overwhelmance from the sensory overload and time constraints, as we had to go to mass at 7pm. bit of a background info: we've been more or less "unplugged" lately? I am partly to blame, as being tied to white I can get lethally apathetic at times, and not realize it's "bad" (i.e. the "sparkly-eyed and blind" mode we have to be vigilant of). therefore I won't stop things or fight back or whatever, I'll just watch. and sadly that's kind of what I've been doing, really I've been tired too. but the whole sheppard-pratt thing has triggered the OLD body voice, also jewel as an internal fronter, basically the brain kicked into freakout mode and is trying to convince itself that "we're fine! we don't need therapy!" on MANY different levels, many of which are actively malicious. let me summarize: jewel = "we can heal on our own, we've done great so far, we don't need anyone else telling us what to do." superlogic voice = "what trauma? there is nothing to heal." unknown = "it was only traumatic because you DECIDED it was, you should have just done what they wanted and it wouldn't have hurt right?" voices = "you're a slut and you don't need help because you DESERVED IT" etc etc etc. yes that super-logical voice STILL exists and it is not sherlock. they fronted in front of the mother the other day, that was surreal to look back on in data, how in heaven's name are they that clear of a fronter, why are ALL the negative body voices such strong fronters, that is existentially terrifying in and of itself. anyway I realized the fear of sheppard-pratt was misrouted: 1. we don't want to go back home to the unsafe environment afterwards, and 2. we don't want to go there and have them tell us 'act this way OR ELSE,' like in the crisis ward. basically we are terrified of blackmail and the loss of individual will in both situations. I really hope it doesn't happen at SP. anyway. stress over that has meant nobody has been around, because the negative body voices (and the disembodied voices, which are off and on lately and hate us entirely) have been refusing to acknowledge us as usual. plus there IS at least one person on that level who literally does not even know we exist, now that is surreal, honestly I was thinking that was the case but it was confirmed sometime over the past week.
as for why tonight was rough, well again memory doesn't pick up solid until 10pm or so, literally with spice and javier and wreckage suddenly screaming at whoever was in the body to "stop eating." javier got the a.p. to pause a few times, but whoever was running the program was stronger, until spice and the destroyer jumped in too. I know they won that round, don’t know how sick the body got, everything is a jumble but I know there was a sudden explosion of worried angry frightened talk, since things had been quiet for so many days prior and this sort of behavior was not stopping, even in light of yesterday (wreckage made a major revelation on the ED roots purely by accident). the next thing I know someone is vomiting in the bathroom and it's NOT tobiko, it's some girl we don't know, NOT jessica or anyone malicious. again this person was faceless, nameless, stuck in the brown color slots, so they may not ever manifest inside at all. nevertheless it was surprising. something happened, next thing I know body is in a trance state and the disembodied voices are basically chanting really cruel and offensive language through it, very disturbing as it was all in that childrens-rhyme singsong but with things like "you're a f*cking whore," "children are abused because of you," "you're a faggot; I hope you burn in hell." basically the old childhood conviction of being a "waste-lock" but this time it was coming from the outside. I know I was snapped in at one point, told them to stop, then lost time again. ended up just dissociating, wondering should I seriously get an exorcism on the body at this point. this made me think of knife, we thought he was a 'priest' at first, heck maybe he could do something? so I did talk to him momentarily. we were both worried about the disembodied voices but also I remember knife was absolutely torn emotionally about how the retributors were reacting to the ED abuse. the man doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore but he can't deal with standing by and seeing this much pain happen without any atonement to balance and calm it. I know we talked for a bit more and it was very honest but again memory is shot
sometime after that, razor and wreckage decided that somebody has to do something, this was out of hand, retribution needs to start again. I know mulberry was asking where we could find a weapon, all the old ones were destroyed or hidden, suddenly razor spoke up with her advice on the matter. this was surprising, we thought she had stopped being a retributor too, but she said no. she said that if she couldn't run from her role, if she really was needed to do it, then she would. but then knife and razor actually had a bit of a fight, he didn't want her to "become an abuser" but she insisted that atonement did not count as abuse, even if it was bloodletting, it did not have those intentions. notably she said she would "cut anyone" if she needed to, but she "would not hate them." here is what I remember the clearest: knife asked her, would she cut him, if she had to? and that is the first time I've ever seen razor look sad, she paused and said she really didn't want to, and it would be really hard, but if she had to, in order to help him, she would. but that was the first time she's ever effectively hesitated on that issue too. nevertheless the other atoners were adamant, and razor was too, told knife that this was really needed, we were at a loss otherwise. unfortunately time cuts out again here, I have no idea what happened next, but the most important bit is this: that pink voice from the 17th showed up again. okay first off it is unnerving as heck that this is another retributor, but this person is the weirdest one yet. data says when they showed up they were in the kitchen? there are a few snapshots, let me look at them (yes I'm asking the archivists, they get their credit). - retributors underground at knife drawer, were trying to compare them for function. wreckage tried to cut the arm on her own but knife stopped her, she is the one who walked to the drawer. mulberry was hanging back, saying little. razor advising everyone. algorith not getting involved in cutting after previous incidents. - this voice then showed up completely unannounced. picked up a small butcher knife in the back and began grinning, repeating "when it's your own pretty baby" in a vaguely singsong chant. strong mental throwback to knife originally calling jay a "baby boy" while atoning. this voice also had a strange method of pronunciation which involved prolonged conclusions on words? air expulsion. suggests unusual head shape (see wreckage's speaking style for comparison) - this voice walks to bathroom and is still chanting to itself. data unclear here, it began to try cutting the body but knife leapt in, practically hysterical with tears, and begged it to stop. bodily held it back momentarily but failed to stop it. there was some sort of verbal exchange, unknown, the only recorded line is a furiously hissed "it's not deep enough." it did leave one atoning wound but knife insisted it stop, it did and records show it effectively disappeared after switching out, indicating its internal form is still unstable - very strong word association with "jabberwock," unknown comparison. using as temporary name until and if it chooses another. - gender indeterminate, currently entirely neutral. color is a dark but vivid pink, possibly magenta.
All right that’s what they got, I honestly can't even see anything of this "jabberwock" voice except the knife-hands. But they are obviously not human in the slightest. I'm just very curious about the name, as I believe the original poem of that name was written as a sort of nonsense-word parody of poetry, and the creature of that name was slain within the same poem. I have no clue why it chose that name, but it really seems to like it, maybe because of that 'jibberish' connotation. I have no idea, I'm not going to go find them and ask at this hour, not with the added risk of them attacking me.
I let slip to Laurie that this person existed, about an hour ago, and she was shocked, furious, and deeply unsettled that there was "someone she didn't know about," especially a new retributor-- the System keeps creating them which indicates that we NEED them, and seeing how each successive one gets more violent and freakish we're very concerned about the nature of the need.
I am also very very VERY worried about my boss the disembodied voices keep pretending to be him, sometimes when I see him it's NOT him it's jezebel, so on and so forth. I'm never sure if I'm talking to him or a fake, and it's scary because his face is getting tied to very angry hateful manipulative behavior and I know he doesn’t act like that, BUT all the old similar figures in our life did so the brain is making knee-jerk fear judgments, honestly it has me worried too. but then it hit me, wait a minute, wasn't he acting as an OUTSPACER for the past several months?? in the silver slot? and what did we JUST find out about outspacers? they ALL HAVE SPLIT SELVES. dead serious there is no exception and that is rather terrifying, then this morning I realized THAT might be what is happening here. I told him and he said that made total sense, he immediately handed me the silver vest he was using in that role (which the fakers don't use, they actually get his outfit wrong almost every time and that did have me concerned but I glossed it over), and said he was officially resigning on the spot, for both his safety and ours. I said that was totally fine. he left shortly after we spoke then, saying he needed time to recuperate and regroup, so to speak. I'm going to talk to him tonight a little, I want to see him well, I have been very worried. people keep trying to sabotage good things in our system and that needs to stop
infinitii is doing okay. we haven't been speaking too much and I should check on hir too, there's this distance between us that I do not like at all. however I don't know what day it was, but sometime last week I remember infi was ghosting with me in reality, keeping me grounded because otherwise I would have been completely out of it, that stands out because ze was radiating such total compassion even then
the 'victorian pink' girl's name is currently Ashen, did I mention that yet? it still feels somewhat unstable but right now that's what we're going by. her face has been slipping in terms of clarity. her age is too, probably due to trauma memory conflict with therapy lately (she looks 14 but stuff started earlier). she is confirmed not human, even though she looks it, but she is chthonic after all.
oh also I SAW the destroyer yesterday for a second, she has never evidenced in a form before, at least not clearly, so that was big. she's ABSOLUTELY not a humanoid. like not at all. which is bizarre because, when fronting, she feels very similar to overload? human girl-ish overlay, brown hair, brown eyes. but it's very flimsy for the destroyer, like it's just a front, not the actual appearance. guess what, it's not. the closest thing I can think of for a visual comparison right now is double, from skullgirls (who is gorgeous but still), at least in terms of the "hidden monster" aspect. really, that 'snapshot' I saw of t.d. yesterday was of a rather unassuming brown-slot humanoid, but then its right side just yawning out into this huge eldritch thing made almost entirely of sharp teeth. thanks subconscious for making everyone up here potentially creepy as hell and just as gorgeous. infi just said "you're welcome" that's hilarious
okay but it's late, I'm sorry, I'll have to update again later sometime. I'm very out-of-it tonight anyway. I need to start updating earlier is what.
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who was tied to
before the solid NIER-induced gender shift in 2010.
