prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with things to do

Talking to Infi about Xenophon-- where is she?
Apparently ALL the children are in "eggspace"??? A stasis realm until we figure out how to heck to deal with trauma AND until the Core (me) FINALLY stabilizes

We need PROPER TERMS for "parentage" up here-- ALWAYS three persons involved??
Infi said zhe can "incubate" but NOT "conceive"???

I DON'T HAVE AN OVERLAY (YET)????
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TOP PRIORITY TO FIX
Get on Picrew boy!!!!

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Okay Advent is in THREE DAYS so we NEED to FOCUS on FINISHING LAMENTATIONS before then.
NO DEEP DETOURS. We can follow threads later.
Right now we need the actual substance of the book itself, especially since tomorrow is the SCARIEST DAY OF THE YEAR specifically because of our past E.D. sins/ ongoing struggles & consequences of such, so the "lament" vibe is VERY appropriate and badly needed in terms of sobering conviction, empathetic catharsis, and contrite coping.

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1:11 "All her people groaned as they searched for a morsel of bread.They exchanged their valuables for just enough food to stay alive." = The Hebrew preposition (bet) here (""for" food") is the so-called bet pretii, or "bet" of price, defining the value attached to someone or something.
(E.g. Jacob working 7 years for Rachel, Rachel "buying a night" with the mandrakes, laws against selling food to the poor for profit/ selling a captive wife for profit, David insisting on purchasing sacrificial oxen offered to him for free, etc.)
[This usage HURTS because it implies that everything and everything Israel treasured, or counted as having any "worthy of price" whatsoever, was ultimately only valued as equal to a scrap of bread. Hunger annihilated all other standards of evaluation. I know what that feels like.]

1:16 VERY QUICK ESSENTIAL DETOUR ON "NEFESH" HERE ("one who could cause my soul to return") =
https://biblehub.com/genesis/14-21.htm
"The ruler of the city of Sodom approaches Abram with a proposal after Abram's victory over the kings who captured Lot and the people of Sodom. The king of Sodom’s first demand centers on souls, not stuff... In ancient Near Eastern culture & warfare, captives were often taken as slaves and became property. His request for the people, or "souls," reveals the king’s priorities— he wants "human resources"– control of lives– even more than possession of material wealth.
Captives were also used to repopulate the conquerors city. This reflects the king's desire to restore his city's population and maintain his power.
The king's emphasis on people over goods [is STILL motivated by worldly values & selfish goals, and therefore actually] contrasts with Abram's values, [because the king is effectively asking Abram to treat the captives as mere spoil?? and to think nothing of "handing over" their fates if it would bring him personal profit??? Sodom’s king sees his own captive people as a mere resource??? He wants "souls" AS "profit," NOT as "people"????]
as Abram prioritizes righteousness and divine promises over earthly possessions [trusting God to provide all his wealth as God saw fit, and refusing to make decisions based on selfish interest and the belittling of others?].
Scripture consistently elevates human life over material gain [and power]. Abram’s later refusal shows that true faith fights for people’s freedom, echoing Moses’ later plea, “Let My people go”.
Then comes the temptation: wealth without compromise. The king offers Abram everything except the captives. The offer to Abram to keep the goods aligns with the ancient custom of rewarding victors with spoils of war. However, Abram, already blessed by God Most High, rejects the windfall so that no one can say, “I have made Abram rich”. Abram's refusal underscores his commitment to God's provision and his desire to avoid ANY association with Sodom's corruption. This decision highlights Abram's faith and integrity, serving as a type of Christ, Who also rejected earthly power and wealth for a higher purpose, living out His Own teaching: “What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"
Abram’s contentment [in God's Providential care] foreshadows the pilgrim mindset praised in Hebrews 11:9-10— treasuring God’s promises above all earthly treasure... the call for believers to seek heavenly treasures over earthly gains.
Genesis 14:21 captures a stark contrast: a worldly king values possessions second to domination over people, while God’s man prizes freedom and testimony over [the exact same] riches!
Abram’s refusal to profit from evil underscores that the Lord—not human kingship—supplies his reward. The verse invites believers in every age to choose people over possessions and choose God’s glory over all earthly gain.
The interaction with the king of Sodom also teaches the importance of discerning the character and intentions of those with whom we align & ally ourselves.
‼️‼️‼️ Ancient Near-Eastern war custom granted victors rights to plunder, yet returning captives to their city-state typically brought public honor to the liberator. The king of Sodom’s demand violates customary reciprocity; instead of honoring Abram, he seeks immediate control of labor force and population. Contemporary cuneiform law codes treat recovered persons as free citizens, not royal property, further underscoring the king’s moral departure from accepted norms of his day. In total self-interest, the king’s first concern is the restoration of economic power (human capital).
This is a devaluation of Human Life: His wording equates souls with spoils, reducing people to means for his own selfish ends. He also treats literal wealth materialistically: as the coin for negotiation, not as stewardship under God.
The king’s proposal exemplifies a naturalistic ethic— "value is vested in tangible assets and demographic strength"—while Abram’s refusal, invoking “the LORD, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth”, embodies theistic ethics: providence, stewardship, and God-centred honor. The encounter thus dramatizes the clash between "autonomous" human pride and covenantal dependency on God. By juxtaposing the king's self-serving demand with Abram’s God-centric refusal, Scripture exposes both the peril of pride and the virtue of faith-grounded humility.
The king’s attitude is overall arrogant, acquisitive, and dismissive of divine authority... manipulative, materialistic, and spiritually obtuse. [Such is the heart of a worldly, godless, self-idolizing man!] His words encapsulate Sodom’s broader moral bankruptcy and therefore set the stage for its eventual inevitable destruction.
[I highlighted this verse because THE DEVIL DOES THIS as a very clever & surreptitious means of deceptive control = even if in the world he "refuses riches," appearing humble & pious, he doesn't need humans to "make him wealthy" because what he is REALLY after is SOULS. Satan is ravenously hungry and salaciously greedy for SOULS, which is ABSOLUTE POWER that transcends all the meager might of money in the world. Furthermore, he's robbing God to do it. The usurper "prince of this world" "wants his captives back," even though Christ bought them with His Blood, and even has the gall to "offer" as compensation "all the kingdoms of the world, and all their wealth." But this means absolutely nothing in God's eyes or in eternity. Besides, it ALL belongs to GOD anyway, whether or not the devil will ever admit the Creator's Omnipotent control over what He created. The point is = Satan sees souls as chattel to control. He wants all of them just so God won't have any. He wants to be rich with absolute power, putting himself in God's own position as "Lord" over lives. BEWARE OF THIS. He has his evil eye on you, even today, on you who Christ both won and bought for Himself– you who He created to be His Own from the beginning! The devil has no claim on you whatsoever. But he will connivingly try to "demand your return" AS a captive, calling you a "vital resource," a "useful asset," trying to flatter you with pride and position and prestige, allegedly available under his rule. DO NOT BE FOOLED. YOU WILL ONLY EVER BE A CAPTIVE SPOIL TO HIM. He will never see you as an individual person, as a unique soul, as a priceless creation. You are just another penny in his bank, just another cog in his machine, just another cow in his butchery. REFUSE HIS OFFERS. COMMIT TO CHRIST. His Providence is forever sufficient, forever generous and gracious, because it is all out of LOVE for you. TRUST THAT and do NOT take ANYTHING from Sodom/Satan's filthy hands!!]

It's day 3 of treatment and I wish Iscah was driving. I'm STRUGGLING SO MUCH to not only ENJOY food but even to COMPREHEND its data, and I'm struggling even to be GRATEFUL because I'm SO TIRED OF PROCESSED FOOD & RUSHED MEALS. So many things still feel like threats, like acts of passive violence, like forcefeeding & forced starvation simultaneously. I miss the hospital meals that were not only "real" food but also satisfying to hunger & enjoyable. Why am I not seeing the unit food that way? Is it the social context? Is it the fact that I'm "not allowed" to eat mindfully? It's all so rushed. I'm being watched. And this diet is making the body sick & making it stink. It's terrifying & humiliating. I feel subhuman.
(If my body is inflamed & sick & gross, is this still "healing"? I want to FEEL & BE healthy.)

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TREATMENT GOALS BEGIN!!

♥︎ Be honest with yourself, others, and God in word/ deed/ thought
♥︎ Identify your needs = body, mind, heart, soul, & spirit
♥︎ Learn how to assert your needs with respect for all involved
♥︎ See & honor your inherent human dignity, especially in the Church Body
♥︎ Don't hide anything, be vulnerable and genuine, live Truth (Christ)
♥︎ Learn & routinely practice healthy/ positive/ edifying coping skills
♥︎ Actively pursue & build healthy, loving, edifying relationships
♥︎ Learn how to act as your own person of integrity in social situations
♥︎ Learn how to identify, welcome, integrate, & dialogue with emotions
♥︎ Learn how to compassionately yet firmly govern distressing emotions
♥︎ Find what gives you real joy & integrate it into daily routine
♥︎ Remember your purpose as God's Child & orient your actions to it
♥︎ Engage wholeheartedly in at least one creative act every day
♥︎ Nourish your body, mind, heart, soul, and spirit daily
♥︎ Integrate 3 joyful, purposeful leisure activities into daily routine
♥︎ Begin to participate in community life, especially with family & neighbors
♥︎ Stick to a healthy daily exercise routine
♥︎ Spend some time outdoors each day, preferably in nature
♥︎ Establish a church/ Adoration routine
✳ YOU ARE ALLOWED TO ENJOY LIFE!!!
✳ YOUR NEEDS DO MATTER AND DESERVE TO BE MET/ FULFILLED IN HEALTHY WAYS!

From social worker printouts=
● Identify 2 NEEDS that you STRUGGLE TO ASSERT. PRACTICE asserting them IN TREATMENT. Identify 2-3 ways you can CONTINUE to assert those needs to FAMILY/ NEIGHBORS/ COMMUNITY.
(BASIC SURVIVAL NEEDS DO COUNT. They're a good starting point because I CAN'T EVEN ACCEPT THOSE AS VALID)
✳ My first & most troublesome obstacle is CALLING ANYTHING A "NEED". I feel it's ALL OPTIONAL, NOT REQUIRED OR ESSENTIAL OR IMPORTANT, BECAUSE I MUST ALWAYS BE READY, AT ANY MOMENT, TO DENY/ IGNORE/ INVALIDATE/ ETC. THEM. I "MUST" PRIORITIZE OTHERS OVER MYSELF to VIOLENT/ DESTRUCTIVE EXTREMES. Yes, I DO LOVE PEOPLE & WANT to help them in ANY & EVERY WAY I CAN, and I WILL, but it's often "forcing" me to NEGLECT & even HARM myself IN ORDER TO DO SO. But there HAS to be a point of cooperation. I MUST find a way to MEET EVERYONE'S NEEDS. But before I can do that, I do need to DISCERN & DEFINE & ADMIT & ACCEPT MY NEEDS.
✳ A "NEED" is something ESSENTIAL; it is something REQUIRED FOR SURVIVAL. But... could a need ALSO be something REQUIRED for the FLOURISHING of my SOUL? Will/ does a "need" ALWAYS answer to/ sustain HUMAN DIGNITY, on ALL LEVELS OF BEING? What does it LOOK/ FEEL like, TRUTHFULLY, when a REAL NEED is NOT MET? How does one PROPERLY DISCERN a "need" from a mere "want" or "preference"? And when IS it proper TO sacrifice my real needs for the sake of meeting others' needs? How far is it morally right to push that, and for how long? When does it become "okay" TO meet my own needs again? "Is it EVER okay, or is that being demanding/ entitled/ greedy/ egocentric/ etc.?" Am I ALLOWED to set limits and/or boundaries? Or is that cruel, rejecting & refusing to let others in when they want to? Am I ALLOWED to say "no" when that is crushing the needs of others for my own stupid "comfort"? Am I ALLOWED to say "I can't" or "I don't think that's a safe/ healthy option for me" or "I don't know if I'm properly capable of that" etc. if I TECHNICALLY CAN, IF I STOP COMPLAINING/ FEELING SCARED & just MAN UP & DO IT FOR THEIR SAKE? What is the TRULY RIGHT THING TO DO??
✳ BASIC needs involve INHERENT HUMAN DIGNITY and they are therefore both UNIVERSAL & NON-NEGOTIABLE. You can deny that or try to finagle exceptions all you want; that DOESN'T CHANGE THE TRUTH, WHICH IS FOUNDED IN GOD. The dignity OWED to HIS CREATURES is for HIS SAKE, and it is a matter of OBJECTIVE JUSTICE. To deny that justice & dignity to ANYONE is a SIN. Stop & listen to yourself when you try to argue that you DON'T "need" love or care or the like. Would God the Creator say that about His Creatures, which He LOVES INTO BEING in EVERY MOMENT? Why can't I admit that I have needs & rights? I'd NEVER say that about ANYONE else, so why am I the exception? Don't insult your loving Father. Don't break His Heart. And remember... you CAN'T obey the Golden Rule, God's Law of Love, if you EXCLUDE YOURSELF.

✳ CONTINUING the "NEEDS" IDENTIFICATION, let's start BASIC & work by REASON. DON'T MAKE EMOTIONAL JUDGMENTS. They're too damaged to think straight. Focus on JUSTICE, to BOTH GOD & MANKIND (HIS CREATION) from a place of INTEGRITY, LOVE, MERCY, RIGHTEOUSNESS, & TRUTH.
✳ DON'T EVEN "THINK OF YOURSELF" RIGHT NOW. Think of JUSTICE & DIGNITY for THOSE YOU LOVE.
✳ YOUR BODY, MIND, HEART, SOUL, & SPIRIT ALL HAVE REAL & UNIQUE NEEDS!!!
✳ My body NEEDS to sleep well, rest well, & eat well. It NEEDS NOURISHMENT. That's a LAW OF LIFE. The problem is "cutting corners," asking "what's the MINIMUM I "need" to survive?" & acting as if even THAT is unnecessary excess or greed. BUT I'd NEVER put ANYONE ELSE under those constraints. It's CRUEL & MERCILESS & MISERLY. So WHY do I do it to MYSELF?
✳ I'm SCARED that it's a "zero sum game," that if I eat or sleep, someone ELSE must SUFFER for it. "FAMINE MENTALITY." It's anti-Eucharist. God wants ALL of us to THRIVE in SHARED LOVE & MERCY. Our COMMON NEEDS are MEANT TO BE FULLY MET IN COMMUNITY, TOGETHER, IN CHARITY! There is NO "BARELY SURVIVING" IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!
✳ I'm ALSO terrified because I RECOGNIZE the Good in Creation and I'm hungry for it because I'm HUNGRY FOR GOD. I WANT to eat. I WANT to rest & sleep & exercise & play & work & ALL the things God CREATED human beings TO do WITH their bodies. But I'm SCARED of having those wants "satisfied." That very phrase sounds evil. But saying "I'm afraid to have my NEEDS MET" sounds like a selfish, greedy, manipulative LIE, an exaggeration in order to suck others dry & use them for my hedonistic gain. It's sick. I still struggle to believe that my very existence ISN'T parasitic my nature. I feel like a predator, like a gulper eel, using "I have needs!" as the bait to draw in people I can swallow alive & destroy. WHY IS THAT HOW I SEE MYSELF. I'm like one of those horrid wasps that liquefies its prey from the inside out. I just feel like my NEEDS are INHERENTLY VIOLENT, even sleep & rest & food. "Something has to die for me to live." I hate it. God I hate it. Deep down I would rather die to keep someone else alive & safe. I bet THAT'S at the ultimate root of the anorexia. But there's ALSO the guttingly vulnerable obsession with "food" as a CONCEPT, IN THIS CONTEXT. Remember how hard I resonated with joh0002naga's art when I found it, the little creatures with tiny bodies & closed eyes, lying on plates & in glasses, pierced through with forks & knives, offering their little innocent selves up to be eaten. Something in my heart is OBSESSED with that. Can I only BE that IF I'm just as tiny & thin? Is that the only way I CAN be pure & innocent, "GOOD enough TO eat" in the most sacred sense? Otherwise, what can I be? A fatted calf? Is that still a sanctifying role? If I am fattened up to be slain in celebration, does that still make me good? Am I still innocent & pure? Can I be offered in the Temple? And WHY do I feel like self-gift in love to feed others REQUIRES that I STOP LIVING ENTIRELY?

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GOAL = EMOTIONAL INTEGRATION/ COMMUNICATION!
(when we say "emotion," we're really referring to currently unnamed/ faceless nousfoni, who HOLD our emotions.)
1) ACCEPT them. DON'T REJECT them. DON'T LABEL them as "BAD." I even want to avoid "NEGATIVE" until I understand that term better. Right now, just NOTICE when an emotion arrives, and ACCEPT that you ARE feeling it. DON'T PUSH IT AWAY, DENY IT, or SUPPRESS IT. It's REAL and it's here for a REASON. It HAS a TRUE MESSAGE in its HEART.
2) IDENTIFY it. This REQUIRES SINCERE ATTENTIVENESS to it & OPENNESS to FEELING/ SEEING it as FULLY as you can. NAME IT!
3) WELCOME it. EMOTIONS ARE A GIFT FROM GOD, TOO!! And they ALL are MEANT to SERVE HIM too. That's YOUR job, "King" by Baptism! You must GOVERN them, but with LOVE, not as "slaves" but as FELLOW CREATURES? And YOU are to RULE them LIKE CHRIST!! Which first REQUIRES EMBRACING THEM AS THEY ARE. They, and we, cannot GROW/ HEAL/ CHANGE unless we BEGIN from a place of BEING LOVED & RESPECTED. Feeling unwanted/ unwelcome only FUELS NEGATIVITY.
4) SIT WITH IT. You're friends. You can't love without spending TIME together. Don't name it and then look away or run! Don't "welcome them in" but refuse to give them a seat at the table! Remember that poem by Rumi!! Even if the emotion "won't sit" & rages about angry & crying & restless, sit there WITH them anyway & let them know they're STILL "AT HOME" there with you. Sit and be an offer of peace & listening-- be a safe place for them to rest in.
5) DIALOGUE WITH IT. This is why God made Xanga. You MUST get on GOOD SPEAKING TERMS with them, that can grow into REAL FRIENDSHIP & LOVE-- and THAT'S TRUE HEALING & INTEGRITY! But it REQUIRES DIALOGUE ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S DIFFICULT, and you DON'T understand each other YET. THE WHOLE POINT is to DISCOVER, BY DIALOGUE, NOT ANALYSIS, WHY THIS EMOTION IS HERE & WHAT THEY NEED. Then you can work TOGETHER to MEET that need AS YOU ARE ABLE, with FULL RESPECT 7 SINCERE CARE-- NO PATRONIZING, NO GASLIGHTING, NO INVALIDATION!!!

+ We had a LEGIT TRAUMA SHUTDOWN last night, which was very disturbing because WE COULDN'T "OVERRIDE" IT TO FRONT. The body was designated SO UNSAFE that EVERYONE WAS LOCKED OUT-- that is, notably, EXCEPT ANY VIOLENT PROTECTOR. Shockingly, WRECKAGE could get halfway in, as could our favorite "angry writer" (we THINK?)-- who STILL doesn't have a name OR clear color (they MIGHT be dark vermilion?? in any case they're NOT RED, not even Blood; their vibes are VERY specific and DON'T match hers!!)-- but THAT'S IT. Julie tried, Infi tried, Scalpel tried, Sugar tried, Knife tried, RAZOR tried, LAURIE tried-- but ALL of them either had "inapplicable" functions OR functions that were incompatible with the perceived DANGER and "REQUIRED" behavior/ lack thereof? Retributors ARE strong & crisis-anchored, BUT they CAN'T & AREN'T BUILT TO do anything in a "FREEZE" SITUATION!! The ONLY reason why WRECKAGE & "SCALD" COULD, is because the body is frozen to SURVIVE A PROLONGED THREAT, BUT if that threat becomes an IMMINENT DANGER-- especially directly-- WE NEED TO THEN FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!! And THOSE Nousfoni MUST THEREFORE BE SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE. After literally dying from it in CNC, LAURIE IS NOT. She's actually FORBIDDEN from publically fronting SO HER TRUE FUNCTION WILL BE PROTECTED & PRESERVED. She's MEANT TO BE INTERNAL; ALL HER POWER IS ALSO INTERNAL! She fights NONPHYSICAL threats. ON THE OTHER HAND, WRECKAGE EXISTS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, who historically and notably are threatened by OUTSIDE ABUSE!!! So she CAN get a foothold, however clumsily, EVEN if we're frozen, SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE IN PERCEIVED DANGER AND MIGHT QUICKLY NEED TO JUMP INTO ACTION TO "SURVIVE" THAT DANGER.
HOWEVER. There's ANOTHER distinction. WRECKAGE STILL ISN'T A SOCIAL!!!! Her true roots are INTERNAL! She DID originally manifest OUTSIDE, BUT since the CHILDREN would not/ could not front, she ANCHORED INSIDE, to primarily PROTECT THEIR SELVES, but STILL ABLE & READY TO FRONT IF NEEDED-- a very unique case, since she IS ACTUALLY NOT MEANT FOR VIOLENCE. She would NEVER "attack" while in the body-- it wouldn't have affected the INTERNALLY BASED ABUSERS anyway. THAT'S why the RETRIBUTORS exist!! AND EVEN THEY were SHIFTED INSIDE when their external function got TOO DEEP in terms of SELFHOOD for them to remain a SELF-LIMITED SOCIAL. Ironically, that constrained & "shallow" sense of self IS WHAT ALLOWS SOCIALS TO BE "SOCIAL"!! They would NOT BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE BODY IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN SELF-IMAGE & AWARENESS? THAT is why it is SO HARD to reach them or talk to them-- typically, their very awareness of "selfhood" is minimized, so they CAN switch at hyperspeeds AND not experience body dysphoria/ dissonance in the process: THE MAIN PURPOSE OF A SOCIAL IS TO "SOCIALIZE"-- TO EXIST IN THE BODY AS A CONTEXTUALLY CONSTRAINED "PERSONA," IN ORDER FOR US TO SURVIVE THAT CONTEXT. That INCLUDES Socials who exist to CHANGE or ESCAPE that context, if/ when it is deemed intolerable/ dangerous enough to require such active interference. So that includes BOTH the scared AND the scary.
ACTUALLY... thinking about it, I wonder if ALL SOCIALS TRULY ADHERE TO TRAUMA MECHANICS??? As in the triangle of VICTIM/ PERSECUTOR/ RESCUER, AND/OR the CPTSD "STRESS RESPONSE" SQUAD: FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN. Because it REALLY SEEMS APPLICABLE and it would make A LOT OF SENSE!!! It would ALSO FINALLY give us a way of understanding AND categorizing AND possibly even IDENTIFYING the Socials at large, who have been a frustrating enigma for YEARS, preventing UNITY between System levels & seriously affecting our ability to function at ALL, let alone as a WHOLE. Socials almost ALWAYS bring along DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, either BY their fronting OR as the CAUSE/ TRIGGER FOR their fronting! Arguably, dissociation "STOPS" when they LEAVE??? Because trauma triggers-- although they DO force out Socials to cope physically, ALSO "wake up" the SPECTRUM, the "internal" nousfoni who MANAGE the CPTSD ITSELF. When the social situation is finally deemed "safe enough" TO allow ACTUAL THOUGHT & SELFAWARENESS, the "UPSTAIRS" folks IMMEDIATELY jump into action... INSIDE!!! Because THAT'S OUR JOB!!! And THAT'S why CNC was LETHAL-- it LITERALLY UPROOTED THE UPSTAIRS, dragging it into the SELF-SUPPRESSING SOCIAL REALM, and through that FORCED "REDEFINEMENT" OF FUNCTION-- MANDATED BY THE LEVEL SHIFT-- it ALL BUT MASSACRED CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHY "CENTRAL" STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECOVER-- the nousfoni who WERE so traumatically "repurposed" by that identity loss/ socialization of self, that they MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO "RECOVER" WITHOUT A HARD RESET. Which, arguably, most of them DID NOT??? The majority of us just... disappeared. They "can" be pinged in most cases, but the signal comes back MANGLED, which is HORRIFYING to consider. The pings ALSO feel STUCK ELSEWHERE?? Some undefined "space"; intangible & distant & separate. LIMINAL space, perhaps?? But the POINT is, "HEADVOICES" CANNOT FRONT WITHOUT BREAKING; at least, not for long, and even then EVERY instance is arguably "one time too many"-- it's STILL a minor trauma that FORCES a TOTAL SELF-CONTEXT WARPING. And that is OBJECTIVELY LETHAL. So, NO, WE SHOULDN'T BE "TRYING TO FRONT" IN A CRISIS-- THAT'S NOT OUR JOB!! OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT & GUIDE THE SOCIALS WHO ARE MEANT TO EXIST IN THE BODYSPACE!!! We just DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YET, because we haven't had either the knowledge OR the opportunity TO do so! But now, literally right now, we have more insight than EVER into their sphere of existence, and more HOPE than ever for the ULTIMATE UNITY of us all. God willing, and God guide us!
...There are two places to start, I think? One, is to go through our old census & determine WHICH SOCIALS fit WHICH TRAUMA ROLES/ GROUPS; and two, is to help CENTRAL heal by RE-CLARIFYING & RE-ROOTING the souls of the Nousfoni who "died off" in CNC? We need to BETTER UNDERSTAND our INTERNAL function groups, too!!! I KNOW the "emotion wheel" applies at large, but what else? OH!! And WHERE IS THE OVERLAP OF FUNCTION?? Because there ARE some Nousfoni-- NOTABLY "SCALD"-- WHO EXIST IN THE "MIDDLE"??? They DO have self-awareness, but it's DIM & very limited in depth; YET it's ENOUGH to keep them OUT of fully fronting OR occupying bodyspace, while ALSO being insufficient to let them UPSTAIRS... so they end up, again, in LIMINALITY.
It's honestly a fascinating phenomenon that we've ONLY really been able to grasp OR recognize THROUGH THE HANDWRITERS. (XANGAS TOO!!) That was our FIRST cognizance of the fact that there IS a "midspace," a liminal realm "between" the "Inside & Outside," that COULD not only "hold" Upstairs folks WITHOUT their functions totally breaking, but ALSO that HELD ITS OWN NATIVE PEOPLE. When unidentified voices becan to speak out in obvious self-awareness, we realized how much BIGGER & MORE COMPLEX our innerworld was, more than we had ever imagined. But it's STILL such a mystery. We haven't had the opportunities TO "explore" it much, because it feels like you CAN'T really "go there" OUTSIDE of writing/ typing??? It REQUIRES that "halfway" state of mind TO access-- a "liminality" VERY different from "daydreaming" ("HEARTSPACE"/ LEAGUESPACE!), which DOESN'T involve the body as anything other than an "automated vehicle" in which TO dream, but NOT containing ANY sense of self at the moment (the typical audiovisual accompaniment facilitated that)-- and it CAN'T be "forced" as a result. Really, NOTHING TRUE CAN BE "FORCED," EVER. On that note, before I forget-- concerning the life-restoration AND/OR REASSIGNMENT of the Central Spectrum Nousfoni... that absolutely cannot be forced, even with "good intentions." Just because I/we might want someone to "come back" in a certain way, that doesn't mean that they will, OR even that they CAN. So there's a huge aspect of surrender required, in the inherent functionality of our System as a whole. ONLY GOD IS "IN CONTROL." The rest of us can only cooperate, in open-hearted humility & open-minded surrender, all of it through LOVE & TRUST & HOPE. But yes. We CAN'T control the growth process but we CAN PLANT SEEDS. And we do have some, concerning the Central fracturing aftermath? Paradoxically perhaps, but hopefully still. The keyword is "fracturing." Centralites, who would LOSE their own selves upon being forced to front, "GAINED" replacement "selves" ACCORDING TO WHAT THE SOCIAL SYSTEM "NEEDED" TO SURVIVE IN THE CONTEXTS THEY CONSISTENTLY ENTERED, "new SOCIAL functions" THAT WERE ALSO "FORCED" TO STILL "COMPLY WITH" THEIR INHERENT SPECTRUM HUE CHARACTERISTICS??? Let's use Infinitii as an example, as ze illustrated this the most dramatically: the FIRST TIME ze fronted, ze was ENTIRELY hirself, so to speak... at least, in essence? BUT JUST BEING IN THE BODY mandated a mutation of being, in taking a "spiritual" creature and MAKING them "physical"-- AND BY DOING SO THROUGH the SAME BODYSPACE AS THE TRAUMA-ANCHORED SOCIALS AND SELF-ABUSIVE PERSECUTORS!!! Mind you, VIBES STICK. That poor body went through enough hell for the ECHOES of it to LINGER, and to therefore DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE WHO ENTERED THAT SPACE. I guess what I'm trying to say is... bodies hold trauma. Infi was never meant to be in a body. Putting those two things together was doomed to end in catastrophe, and it did. BUT. IT DID NOT OCCUR IN A VACUUM!!! TBAS GROOMED HIR TO BE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIR TO BE. The traumatized body was already wrecked by it, and Infi's REAL and ORIGINAL purpose WAS TO TRY AND HELP US "ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE" IN A SXABUSE SITUATION WE SAW NO ESCAPE FROM. The ONLY "escape" was surrender, and Infi sure as hell did. Black is entirely receptive. Ze WAS doomed to being fatally corrupted/ redefined by an external force that DEMANDED surrender. And ze broke. Ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST INSIDE, and hir SOCIAL function was TOXIC-- a "fawn" role that would do ANYTHING it was told, "just to be loved." Our OWN definition of "love" was smothered & crushed; at least, with them it was. We "had to" acquiesce to THEIR definition for "love" to exist at ALL. But I'm getting off topic. The point is: Infi fronted SO MUCH, in SUCH SPECIFIC REPEATED CONTEXTS, that ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST UPSTAIRS; hir VERY FUNCTION was REVISED to a SOCIAL ROLE, fatally so. BUT. LAURIE KILLED HIR IN THAT STATE, CAUSING A "HARD RESET" INTERNALLY, and therefore POTENTIALLY ALLOWING FOR A FUTURE "REBOOT" WITH A DIFFERENT-- and HEALTHY-- INTERNAL FUNCTION!! Which is EXACTLY what happened, I think this spring? But "Infi" DID "resurrect," although ze IS still unstable AND DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED. Ze PROBABLY WILL NOT, and CANNOT, truly stabilize UNTIL ZE CLEARLY "DETACHES" HIR IDENTITY FROM THAT SOCIALLY CORRUPTED "NONSELF." ...however. THAT fact is the WILDCARD here. Infi, Laurie, and probably several others who "lost themselves" through fronting-- ALL of them were "ASSIGNED A "NEW" SOCIAL ROLE-SELF" to OVERRIDE their INTERNAL self and SHIFT THEIR VERY ROOTS TO THE SOCIAL SPHERE, NOT CENTRAL!! So Central was emptied, colors faded, identities were twisted beyond recognition... and the System crashed. It LITERALLY IMPLODED, like a dying star, & REMAINED like that for YEARS... but it COULDN'T STAY DEAD. TRUE LIFE CANNOT DIE. So, color began to return, and we began to remember our TRUE hearts again, slowly. AND YET. THE BODY DIDN'T DIE. SO NEITHER DID THE SOCIALS??? And, terrifyingly, perhaps those "spectrum splinters" didn't die, either. I wonder. After all, when Laurie first resurrected, she had a TON of disturbing difficulty "STABILIZING INTO HERSELF"-- because she had BEEN DAMAGED in that respect, LOST profoundly for a time, and although the HEART of her CANNOT be damaged, that heart has been scarred nevertheless. She's STILL unstable, her function unclear now, as she tries to distinguish the truth of her new life from the lies and turmoil of her social-skewed past. And when people in here are unstable, they splinter. And I've met them. They wear her face like a mask but they are APPARENTLY NOT HER, and their appearances/ vibes are beginning to shift, the more they ARE called out as liars. Eventually we hope that they'll be their "own people" and Laurie will clearly discern her self & function APART from them. Same with Infi, & Lynne, & many others I'm sure. And although right now those splinters ARE mostly negative-- TRAUMA HOLDERS by nature-- THEY, TOO, PLAY A PURPOSE and always did. It just needs to be purified & healed. So we must strive to do so, as we learn more about them, and ourselves. I feel this is a KEY STEP in finally healing/ forgiving that trauma. God I hope so. Please help us.

wednesday sept 6 11:00pm

woke up at like 4pm.

went to store. huge shopping order.

MET OHMIETTE!!
talking to jay, laurie, and wreckage as they made food.

morning cereal binge ATTEMPT. didn't happen though!

Xenophon intercessor role with socials

COLOR REALMS DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO "EXPECTED REALITY"!!!!

⭐looking up in the color realms and seeing "planets" aka OTHER HUE REALMS

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friday sept 08. 01:50 am

I remember briefly waking up as mason left, said goodbye to oliver and kissed us on the head.
fell right back asleep but we were profoundly touched by that.

woke up, both of us feeling out of it. totally burnt out from this past week.
we took a shower, then oliver went to take a shower while we made breakfast.
breaded chicken hearts in egg and panko, then fried them in oil with extra egg. oliver had the genius idea to add chopped green onions to them afterwards. we also added sriracha and curry powder to ours, and had some cilantro on the side. we sat on the porch and ate them together.
we ALSO had another pig heart from last night though. mason didn't eat like 3/4 of his, so we heated it up to be warm and ate that, too. good god. it was still as sacred as last night.
the chicken hearts taste different. not as "organ"-like. there's a particular flavor to heart and liver that I pick up immediately and absolutely adore.

…

tried to go to the department of social services, but the office location the ssi folks gave us was CLOSED. permanently so. there was a sign on the door from february that had to do with radiation??? and the place looked dead inside. so that was an upsetting experience; cost a lot of spoons.
oliver almost panicking at being so far out, and thinking we had to drive even farther to go to the other one. we decided it wasn't worth putting him through that stress, especially not when we still had to do laundry.

the car was devastatingly low on gas
called kristanova out.
"like a séance"

laurie came out and the two were working through google maps
thank god for protectors

laundry.

stopped at why not pizza to buy jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders for dinner. felt AWFULLY guilty about it, like this was a spit in their face, some gluttonous selfish thing. but we NEED to eat more caloric things whether we like it or not. this is the hard truth.

ohmiette came out while we were there, and we just sat at the table together and talked.

went home

kyo and oliver were out playing no man's sky, and we were just browsing through tumblr while they did so. it felt absolutely comfy and heavenly. we were actually very happy, despite being exhausted. could have easily done that for hours.

the problem: there was another binge.
god forgive us.
one of the girls, taurea,
I noticed that SHE doesn't get hungry, though. she takes advantage of that feeling and ABUSES it. this doesn't surprise me, as she is technically an introject of the mother's forcing her personality on us.

(left unfinished)

------------------------------------------------------------------

SATURDAY 090917 11:00 pm

breakfast/lunch was the monstrous okra/ mushroom/ tomato/ egg/ cornmeal thing. too much food. didn't think of it though. again, thinking of food as ART and not as something to eat.
then, WHEN eating, thinking of it as a "destructively creative" process?? NOT COMPREHENDING that this is going to TAKE UP SPACE IN OUR BODY.
and then the realization of such is traumatically jarring, and we end up purging. I am so sorry.

walked to food lion, then stopped at dollar store, chinese place, and chicken king.

got too much food, admittedly, but at the time we couldn't tell. we tend to think of food as a CONCEPT, not as something we need to ingest. which is a problem.

ate all of it, got horrifically sick, ended up purging.
felt awful, but darn it we TRIED. we legitimately WANTED to eat it all and keep it all down.
but we felt like such a glutton FOR eating all that food, although it was probably just as much as they would have fed us in pittsburgh.

watched potc 1 & 2 that night.

TIA IS JUST LIKE INFI

also oh my lord. I forgot how much we love Davy Jones.
like… it was instant.
the instant we heard that peg leg on the wood. the instant he spoke.
"do you fear death?"
that's been echoing in our heart for years.

THE MUSIC BOX AND THE ORGAN.
that breath when he heard it while asleep.

the way he talks.
the OBVIOUS wrenching pain.
his LAUGH. the fact that if it wasn't bitter it would PROBABLY sound like CZ laughs when he's Aqua???

pretty people. feeling like jack sparrow. makeup, cinematography, color schemes.
BOOTSTRAP.
THE KRAKEN (DAEMON QUESTION)

(currently cofronting with that old jewel; feels green!! do you have a name besides your jewel title?)

------------------------------------------------------------------

sunday 091017 11:00 pm

went out for seafood!
black bass, gator bites, fried okra, LEGIT CALAMARI.
DUDE WE GOTTA GO BACK AND GET LIKE… TWO ORDERS ONE DAY.
(who is this???? talk about this compulsion)

got eros raspberry white chocolate cake.

listening to "from bluer water" info. ADORED it.
casually eating cereal though. problem? too much sugar. IMMEDIATELY got very sick, kneejerk reaction was "well to keep ourself safe we've GOTTA get rid of it" so someone decided to eat ALL the cereal "to prevent future pain" and purge it all. poor poor confused thing, you could have just left it for the others, "but that WOULDN'T BE SAFE"

tried to eat again later. hush puppies, salad, the rest of the chicken hearts. english muffins, butter, honey. kit kats. thinking " we HAVE to gain weight so we HAVE to eat as much as humanly possible."
DIDN'T WANT TO PURGE but had sickness terror so we forced ourselves to.
good God, we TRIED.

many OLD fronters coming out, talking to laurie on the bed, then to kyo.

"indigo jess," "manic green/gold jess," triple, overload, jemma??? "overeat green/gold jess" (NAMED hoban??)

TOO MANY JAYS????????
manic jay, christmas jay, "whitewash smile" jay, angel-anubis jay???

then jason trying to front but being TOO manic and cayenne calling him out.
TAR TRYING TO BE CAYENNE????? HE CALLED IT OUT, TOO!!!

watched potc3 with the arrows

(write about THAT MOVIE)

------------------------------------------------------------------

monday 091117 11:00 pm

the stormday.

Also the morning we went to food lion to buy food. Lots of cereal to TRY and figure out whether or not we actually liked it.

Stayed in bed SUPER LATE after that.

I remember making cereal in a huge bowl as a stim, talking to oliver.
problematic though, that's self-abuse prep, don't use large bowls dude that's another family-abuse compulsive behavior

Ollie worked.
I THINK there was an attempted binge? BUT it DIDNT HAPPEN.
I remember eating lettuce at 1am.

We stayed up ALL NIGHT uploading 2008 archives.

------------------------------------------------------------------

tuesday 091217 07:21 am

Really, really in love with the System right now.

Spotify is a legit gift from God.
The rule of thumb is that, if you ever want to guaranteed fall in love with someone, put them to music.
...or, alternatively, you can just listen until suddenly you hear them.

11:00 pm

Lynne, julie, waldorf? talking to oliver when we woke up.

Stopped at the art store.
CANNON WAS OUT
interference gold dye, it's VERY resonant with me. Also INTERFERENCE RED is the color of my EYES in my angel form???????

Went out for jimmy johns and moon cakes!
No fear at all. It was so good.
iscah almost fronted??
BEST BREAD i'm not even joking

Late night BAD MELTDOWN.
Dont even know why.
Vernon, ohmiette
CRUSADE WTF
laurie.

MET HICCUP <3
also talked to trolley, wow
SO DID INFI!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

wednesday 091317 11:00 pm

rough morning.

Infi out talking to oliver.
Jason (?) almost self-abusing in the bathroom. DIDNT though. We were in there for an hour???????
Ollie talked to chaos and genesis.

Dad called.
always good to hear from him.

Made too much food. Obligatory. Didnt want to, need to LISTEN to ourself when we feel that, and NOT force ourself to do otherwise “because we cant do what we want” that's bull.

No man's sky. FLOATING MINES

cooked the hearts. Ate one with infi, total bliss.
We still get sick from meat, but NO REGRETS EVER

Evening walk!

Juniper helped stop the binge attempts again, god bless her

lying on the porch TALKING YTPS

------------------------------------------------------------------

thursday 091417 02:01 am

the morning. Good lord the morning.
Infi and ollie.

STARDUST
talking on the kitchen floor
offerings and moon cakes

Pizza and pig hearts for breakfast
no trouble, everything perfect

tire place. Owen kid. Biggs camera visit, remembering cannon's era again

band practice. PIANO
cant perform solo. Cant really perform at all! Not our thing.
Admitted our shortcomings and feel a lot better

trouble with dinner. Jack in the box, vegs and rice.
Almost binge. Struggling. Still dont know why? Please have session or something.

Watched howls moving castle
PLEASE READ THE BOOKS
calcifer!! HEARTS.
Everything was so headspacey good lord.

HEADSPACE VS HEARTSPACE BLEEDOVER???? feeling that SUPER strongly.
Remember rio's 2nd incident with the heart crystals!! feeling that a LOT all of a sudden.
We've all gotta go back to having those adventures dude

02:09 pm

"everything is temporary."

#temporary and dearly beloved for it #the ocean #sunsets #gif #this aches because there's so much love in it #none of us will live this incarnate life forever #but the tiny time we do have is utterly sacred nonetheless #eternity is within and without us #both at once #i wouldn't have it any other way

04:19 pm

"You will find that you survive humiliation. And that’s an experience of incalculable value."

#system healing #quote #the alchemical quest of our souls #when humility is based in love and big-picture peace and joy #then humiliation of the abusive sort is impossible #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters

------------------------------------------------------------------

friday 091517 04:23 pm

"I can feel guilty about the past, Apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

#system healing #kyanos #celebi #now is all there is #and the present moment is infinite #unshackled to any fear or trauma #let it be so #and let yourselves be with it #you are allowed to be free #you are allowed to be happy #you are allowed to feel love and be loved #in fact the universe encourages it #embrace that!

11:00 pm

woke up when?
ollie in a good mood. made us so happy to see.

unfortunately made WAY too much breakfast. form of self abuse.
ended up throwing out half, throwing up the rest.
horribly depressed afterwards.

"I hate seeing you treat each other like this"
paradigm shift
social meltdown as a result, instant suicide consideration (heartbreaking that they feel SO distraught that they feel there IS no other option; b/w thinking, all-or-nothing) at the thought that they aren't alone and they hurt someone. they typically blind themselves to the reality of being part of a system, let alone multiple at all, because they feel like they are "toxic, worthless, and corrupt" and CANNOT bear the thought of sharing a body, lest they "taint everyone else"

awful revelation: abuse is SAFE??

lethe kissing oliver, only reachable person NOT afraid of intimate physical contact when we're that severely trauma-dissociated
daemons are untouchable, man.

lethe's also been using his "styx" name more often lately. curious as to why.
medallion guillotine regularly switches between her two names. always curious as to her name choices, too.
dendrite still m.i.a. for the record. i can feel her betrayed anguished heart from here.

laundry day. so much to carry.
threw out those triggering dysphoric pants so no more worries there.

haircuts. bad time for both of us. but hugely important pain-bonding and honesty afterwards. important. loved them so much in that exact moment despite everything trying to oppose it. love is untouchable too.

starbucks. binged again. tried hard not to. but tried TOO hard. on top of stress, nothing registered.
screwed up and panicked.
got DISTURBINGLY sick from the sugar. big trauma-flashback feeling. memory chopped to pieces as a result; the air felt like it was going to detonate

alone at night.
binged HARD. tried not to. living hell.
ate a REAL dinner. but then made more.
praying desperately. couldn't stop.

in so much pain. sad but numb. 2:30am and still not ready or wanting to rest.

so so so tired. god help us.

notes:

Self abuse = safety???
Eating is ONLY safe IF it is abusive??
Touch is ONLY safe IF it is injurious?

Why is this??
How can we work with it?

------------------------------------------------------------------

saturday 091617 11:00 pm

CHAOS ON TUMBLR ♥♥♥

no sleep.
walked all around in the morning. got too much food.
BLISS though.
salvador deli, food lion, mcdonalds, family restaurant.

tried to eat it. someone freaked and purged.

slept in until 5:30.

amelies.
bought too much food again, panicked. dissociated.
but so wonderful. we adore spending time with oliver. we hope they weren't disappointed in us.

KRIS SKETCH

almost binge. french toast, cereal. LAURIE asked the kid responsible, "if you love me, stop"
and they DID
"dope" by lady gaga looping in our head

slept on the porch, with chaos.
pure bliss.
we NEED to do this instead of bingeing. it's what we ACTUALLY WANT.

------------------------------------------------------------------

sunday 091717 11:00 pm

lazy sunday, I think?

got up early and ran like crazy. so tired.

didn’t even attempt to eat until 5pm, salad. failed to do so.

PRINCESS MONONOKE.

for dinner we tried to eat too many vegs and I don't remember anything at all, except aware that someone purged it all out of shame and fear. this is where all our money and time and health is going. it needs to stop.

so tired, out on the porch. beautiful SO HAPPY. I don't think we've ever felt that happy outside of headspace in our ENTIRE LIFE.

notes:

• Dread talks in chat bubbles; he doesn't move to talk. Just expressions. Says he trusts Ollie and feels safe around him. Never felt him so Content before.
• Me, halo and crying iridescent tears? Like flowing that color. Those Tumblr gifs.
• Army Flower is a WAR PROTESTOR. the Legit sort, like standing in front of tanks and helping refugees.

------------------------------------------------------------------

monday 091817 11:00 pm

got up early, ran to the salvador deli. got a bunch of pastries to try.
also stopped at food lion for vegetables.

BEST BREAKFAST. ♥

dept of social services.
listening to alt+j the whole way up.

planned parenthood; got trans hormone info!
ollie was stressed and got taco bell.

ran back to bakery to get the rest of the pastries, and the food. now we know what it's all like.
also stopped at food lion and got ollie those cream curls he loves

sense8. SO GOOD.

TRIED VERY HARD to eat right, but failed because someone ate the sweet part of a pastry and absolutely freaked out, which triggered a binge-purge.
then someone decided to eat the reeses puffs, and BOTH laurie and the religious-panic girl came out SOBBING and begging him to stop because "I don't want to die" etc. he didn't comprehend the concept, would NOT STOP.
panic girl saw our weight had gone up to 105 from drinking the almond milk, she started screaming "no! no! no!!!" and panickedly threw up several times to try and get it all out. heartbreaking.
"jesus help me, god help me, I'm so sorry, I don't want to die"
notably asked god to HELP that boy "I don't want to hate him" BUT what he does is TERRIBLE.

222 am. no one's been texting ollie. we are exhausted and sad and scared and have no spoons at all BUT we are motivated to try again.

------------------------------------------------------------------

thurs 0921 11:59 pm

band night.

sat and fixed phone, browsed tumblr

got food, TRIED hard to eat it, still failed

08:24 pm

#nurse #white #negative white #wait what if her role is specifically to TRANSMUTE THAT?? #especially with her inherent species ties to the color #reflect upon this #headspace scenery

------------------------------------------------------------------

sat 0923 11:46 pm

Tattoo plans:

• Jewel Monster symbol
• Lotus Cathedral "logo"
• "The divine is full of monsters"
• "Lightly, child, lightly"
• "Beauty and terror"
• "Everything is new, every moment"
• Perfect Chaos ourobouros
• Infinitii eyes/teeth sleeve?
• Pentagape group symbols

11:59 pm

laundry morning.

was this the night we watched we're back and a.i.?

------------------------------------------------------------------

sun 0924 11:59 pm

went out for HOOKAH

infi moon.

watched more sense8?

day notes:

UPMC problem= "don't work through trauma! Thats not important now! To be GOOD, all you have to do is EAT a ton of food and gain weight!!"
• Forcing ourselves to continually eat things that make us severely dysphoric and trigger trauma-flashbacks: milk and dairy, honey, chocolate, oatmeal, mangoes, ice cream, chips, cereal, sugary foods in general, etc.

------------------------------------------------------------------

0925 11:33 pm

nousfoni survey
learning to live in this precious fragile world.

1. Your voice
2. Your handwriting
3. How do you hold the body?
4. Your vocal style?
5. Your resonant music?
6. Do you like food? If so, what's your favorite food OR flavor / texture?
7. Fashion / style?
8. Gender/pronouns, sexuality?

more questions =

Nousfoni: build, height, shape, silhouette, stance, age

COMPARATIVE! Lineups

DRAW NOUSFONI IN FLAT, SATURATED COLORS FOR THE SAKE OF SPECIFICALLY CLARIFYING HUES

------------------------------------------------------------------

mon 0925 11:59 pm

got up early. went out, bought breakfast: mcdonalds, parkway house.
stopped at compare foods, have tons of funky baked goods, whoever loves those wants to try them next month.
PLEASE talk about that though. they want to try them and TOSS THEM. actually "eating" is foreign to them. please work through this

ollie went for a walk

food troubles. tried REALLY HARD.

bad binge day. all vegetables though.

stayed up late browsing tumblr. found a lot of good stuff. lots of pentagape posting, thank god

finished uploading 2009.

------------------------------------------------------------------

tues 0926 11:04 pm

- Knife NEEDS to talk to Iscah and the other religious fronter. He listens to Christian R&B and adores it purely. He was originally referred to as a "vampire priest." He runs a freaking confessional in the Underground, from what I saw the other day.
I wonder if he has ever talked to, or met, Aconitum? They need to meet up, too.

11:59 pm

woke up at 3pm? stayed in until 5??
infi talking to ollie, FINALLY

made a salad, watched the sense8 finale

NO BINGEING.
slight mistake when making food but otherwise GOOD DAY

slc trauma recap, disturbed by just HOW toxic it actually was

------------------------------------------------------------------

sept 27th dream 04:23 pm

Nier+sonic? Emil as some sort of red spirit? Appeared by old tree; forest like Ferngully, colors rich and vivid like No Man's Sky. House of some sort nearby (In tree?), went in. Said he was summoned there.

LAURIE, pushed up stairs by dark descent baddies. Kept trying to torture info out of her. She sneered and said "Whip me till I bleed." Would NOT back down. Mentioning love and pain?

"This is a place of laughter"= defiantly, protectively, triumphantly= upon entering upper room with kids. Marigold, David, Ashen, someone that looked like a younger julie?? (Yellow, not corrupt!!)

Place got BLOWN UP?? the thing they were seeking Respawned somewhere else? So they didn't need that one anymore. Building had levels UNDERGROUND though; Rouge and shadow hid there; they also had a child? Charged ME with protecting them?

Emanon. Evil blood cores? Neck kills. THIRD Power Jewel; top of head?? Super rare.

------------------------------------------------------------------

september 28th 2017 dream 10:26 pm

Running from cleaning bot in labyrinthine school? Dogs, back door.
Hunchback remake? Quasi an Indian woman in hijab. City architecture GORGEOUS.
talking about gay boy representation? THE QUEEN. cofronting with 2 others??
In grandfathers room at home. Nomi? Something with travel, Pokemon?
Sun, bro, dad at restaurant. Girl there from prison, obvious feelings btwn her and sun. Apple pie, salad. Price discount.

------------------------------------------------------------------

092917 11:30 pm

WALKING THROUGH MEMORIES= FREEZE FRAME; HELP SOCIALS IN SITUATIONS THEY WERE DISSOICIATED FOR!
☆THIS IS THE ONLY DIRECT WAY INNER NOUSFONI CAN MEET OUTER NOUSFONI AND DIRECTLY INTERACT WITH THEM!!!
☆DOES THIS COUNT AS HEARTSPACE???

DO THIS WITH RECENT STRUGGLE SITUATIONS ASAP. ASK "WHY." REVEAL COMPULSIONS, FEARFUL OBEDIENCE, TRAPPED TRAUMA LOOPS. ETC. SOCIALS WILL AND DO TALK TO US IF WE MEET THEM INSIDE ON THEIR LEVEL. THAT'S WHY MEMORYSPACE EXISTS= IT IS THE ONLY TOTAL BRIDGE BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW. THE MORE WE USE IT, THE CLOSER WE GET.
BTW, DO THIS FOR SLC. WE WERE NOT A TRUE SYSTEM THEN. THOSE SOCIALS WERE ALONE AND SCARED. THEY NEEDED US THEN THEY HAVE US NOW. BE THERE.

------------------------------------------------------------------

093017 10:14 pm

Sandwich, potato.
TAPROOT. photos.
Too many vegs
Orange new black
Trauma talk, morality
Aywas

10:31 pm

MEMORIES TO WALK INTO AND HEAL =
☆DO REALTIME AUDIO NARRATION OF THIS???

• Des Moines
• Michigan
• The couch
• The attic
• The Kinsara day
• THE KITCHEN
• The Vandegraaff house
• THE BEDROOM
• The psych ward
WORKING ON IT=
• Bus trip through Oklahoma
• Colorado layover

notes:

Marywood concert memory fears= COMPETITIONS. triple hating the mother, that constant expectant but pessimistic glare.

Lynne is NOT a pianist.
Rhodes ATTENDS concerts. She DOESN'T play an instrument!!
Javier is NOT a social pianist; he CHANNELS THE ESSENCE OF IT INSIDE.
The true classical pianist is GLISSANDO.
The fun composer is JEWEL.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO "PERFORMS."

There's a kid who AWAITS JUDGEMENT??? Like a terrified version of Interim? Their whole existence is outside of clock time.

Josephina= CHECKING FACTS!! This is VITAL for realtime retroactive trauma memory healing; ITS IN THE PAST!!! The current moment is FREE of that context by its very definition: Every new moment is innocent.

Kids healing roba's memories? Not alone or trapped anymore. As PART of the System, they aren't alone OR scared anymore. NO MORE MOTHER TRAP PANIC when you have everyone inside there for you safe.

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UPMC journal 102022

daily phone entries = sept 2017