the spectrum heart cathedral system

There was a dream hack this morning and when I called for Chaos 0's help to cope with the aftershock I LITERALLY SAW HIM. I saw his eyes AND his face and I saw how much he truly cared and I felt SO MUCH LOVE, it was like I had come alive after death. It's turned my whole world upside down, really. Seeing him was SO REAL, in a way dreams are not, and the waking fails to fully express. There was CLARITY. I want to remember that forever-- not just my blessed seeing, but the way he was looking at me. Of course I've been spending the entire morning talking to Central, cherishing all of us together. Oh and Laurie asked what my "anxiety and depression" scores were (like the pharmacists here do), and I said "my Anxiety is a ten out of ten" and both Laurie & Lynne gave me "gold stars" for not denying the fact that I was in love ("I've got it good"). We were reading the "T3OVOG" book in the hall (as we always do in the mornings) and Genesis ghosted to hang out beside me (Lord I MISS HIM) and the chapter talked about "living from the INSIDE OUT" and Gen said to me "I FELT that; you're radiating," and somehow we got into talking about *incidents* and I had the STUNNING thought of "WHAT IF PURE HEART CRYSTALS ARE STILL A THING" and Chaos 0 & I mused that there are probably 7 levels of *incidents* and I just... this is worth living for. It truly is. And GOD IS IN THIS LOVE. Remember that. Around here we returned to T3OVOG and it talked about God giving us "fifty-seventh chances" and Laurie pointedly called Mimic in. We all talked about OUR "new beginnings" & this tied back into *incidents* because it tied into deaths. First, though, remember that Leon, Lynne, AND Laurie were KILLED, before they got "second chances"-- and those deaths ENABLED them to have NEW lives. Lynne said it "freed" her from her original "future ideal" projection role: "and I came back as... me." We also wondered if *incidents* work differently for Nousfoni, because Laurie's whole LIFE can really fit the criteria for their levels, so should we count specific events as such? OR can she even now have a legit *incident* of its own? This is all surprisingly brand-new territory. BTW Julie says she doesn't think SHE ever "really" died to her "old self," because she feels she still HAS to hold/ be it-- she "doesn't want anyone else inheriting her past," even only by "filling the vacancy," like we wondered about "Juliette" allegedly manifesting in 2018. OH and MIMIC HIMSELF said, when we were discussing *incidents*, that he felt he was next-- but he phrased it almost like he needed to be, or at least should be. Laurie immediately asked him to explain himself & Mimic said that he "knew I loved him ("that's obvious")," and that in his own way he DID love me too. BUT it's NOT "romantic" / deep enough FOR an *incident*. There's still a "holding back," not enough emotional intimacy. BTW THAT'S the thing that matters; it DOESN'T HAVE to have ANY "romance" at ALL, and it DOESN'T have to "look like" ANY other relationship I have/ in the System at large. It just has to be MUTUALLY SINCERE & there NEEDS ti be BOTH vulnerability & strength. So it takes time, and it CAN'T be forced or rushed. Love has to have both room & time to grow & it takes DEDICATED EFFORT of self-gift. ...but it's more than that, as this morning's hack proved. Love requires that I ALSO EXIST AS A PERSON. Love is about LIFE. Life is COMMUNION IN REALTIME. Love is SANCTIFIED BY THE "MUNDANE." Jesus proves this. I cannot have a real relationship with ANYONE if we DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE. That requires I do the same WITH MYSELF, or there CANNOT be MUTUALITY. ...And if I'm not "living from the inside out," it'll NEVER happen. Which brings us back to Anxi. She is somehow a LINK between the true self of the Core, and the body + name outside. That's why everything is so unstable with her currently-- it's a reflection of the outer/ inner conflict between body/ soul that we're currently trying to resolve, and have been fighting for arguably over two decades. Just remember, the body CHANGES. Your core DOESN'T. The way Chaos 0 looked at you this morning PROVES that. So does the fact that such beautiful headspace conversations CAN and DO still happen, no matter how the body looks. The problem is that I still "can't see myself," and until I CAN, I CAN'T LOVE IN EARNEST. I have to be ABLE TO EXIST AS A DISTINCT AND PERCEPTIBLE PERSON. I need to pass the mirror test. Right now the reflection is still someone else, for the most part. But there's hope. It's just brutally difficult. I NEED God's help. AND, I NEED to use ART as a help (like we did at UPMC actually). I HAVEN'T TRIED YET. Even Picrew! I'm SURE I'll "recognize" myself if I just TRY to portray myself. Until then: pray, reconnect with the System AND the League, and TAKE CARE OF THE BODY. DON'T FOCUS ON IT SO MUCH. LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!! Live from that CHILDHOOD SPARK in the body. Live from your HEART on the inside. Oh yeah-- and REBUILD CENTRAL. FIND THE CATHEDRAL AGAIN. Your shattered sense of self is what's shattering your entire inner world. For THEIR/ OUR sake, GET IT TOGETHER.

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I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T LOVE IF I'M FAT BECAUSE LOVE IS PURE VIRTUE & INCOMPATIBLE WITH SIN (SELFISHNESS, GLUTTONY, PRIDE, SLOTH, ETC.) AND I SEE FATNESS IN MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL PROOF OF THOSE VICES. With these beliefs, BEING FAT = BEING IN A STATE OF SIN/ ATTACHED TO SIN/ UNSPIRITUAL, and THEREFORE A "HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT" TO VIRTUE; "LOVE CANNOT COEXIST WITH MORTAL SIN." And I see fatness-- MY fatness-- as a CHOICE (because I "chose to eat all these bad foods in treatment, showing a lack of temperance/ selfcontrol/ selfdenial/ discipline/ asceticism"), which MAKES SIN MORTAL. So I "CAN'T" love BECAUSE my BODY is a "PUNISHMENT." It's the "CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING A CARNAL LIFESTYLE." It's a LITERAL "OBSTACLE" between ME & GOD "BY MY OWN CHOICE." It's a PERSONAL HELL. And the "only way out" is through the PENANCE OF SELFMORTIFYING EXERCISE & FASTING. And THEN I will be "FORGIVEN," so the fat-punishment will GO AWAY, my body will be PURE again, FREE of sin's weight, and I will be "ABLE TO LOVE." The problem? SELF-HATRED IS A BIGGER BARRIER TO LOVE THAN A BIG BODY. Yes, I can still work out & have a healthy diet, BUT I NEED TO NEVERTHELESS STOP DAMNING FATNESS. Love can't coexist with HATRED, and THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. There's a secret, evil PRIDE in that-- like THIN & FIT is MORALLY SUPERIOR and I "CAN'T STAND NOT BEING FLAWLESS." You KNOW that ugly subtext is there. BUT YOUR PHYSICAL BODY IS NOT WHAT YOUR HEART IS BEING JUDGED BY WHEN YOU DIE, and NO, ITS SIZE IS NOT A "MORALITY INDICATOR." Listen, YOU'RE FAT NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OBEDIENT, COURAGEOUS, FORGIVING, GRATEFUL, and FAITHFUL. You're SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE for those who are STARVING themselves out of FEAR. You have been FEEDING YOUR ABUSED BODY THE NUTRITION IT NEEDS TO HEAL & REBUILD. You have been CHOOSING ABUNDANT LIFE INSTEAD OF MISERLY DEATH. You are GETTING STRONG & HEALTHY SO YOU CAN POWERFULLY SERVE OTHERS. And you have been STOCKPILING THE FUEL THAT WILL BUILD MUSCLES AT LAST. Literally NOTHING ABOUT YOUR "FATNESS" IS THE RESULT OF SIN. "But I've been intemperate," you protest. YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE MEALPLAN. "I pushed too many calories." BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS HELPING YOU RECOVER & PROVING YOUR RADICAL WILLINGNESS TO DO SO AND NOT AVOID OR RESTRICT. "I ate things I didn't enjoy." YOU STILL TRIED AND YOU LEARNED. PLUS ALL YOUR FOOD CHALLENGES WERE EFFORTS TO CONQUER FEAR WITH TRUST & GRATITUDE-- TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO ENJOY IN ALL THINGS. "But I've eaten so much JUNK, I'm POISONING the body. This fat is a sign of GARBAGE IN MY BODY." YOU REALLY THINK THE EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PROGRAM IS GOING TO ABUSE YOUR BODY WITH FOOD? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE! PLUS, THE DIETICIAN HERSELF EATS THAT FOOD! AND NO FOOD IS "BAD" OR "EVIL"!! Eating some potato chips or bacon or cookies or cheeseburgers or ice cream or whole milk or fried chicken or french fries or egg rolls or salad dressing or poptarts or pancakes or chocolate or ANY of the foods they've GIVEN you here WILL NOT KILL YOU OR DAMN YOU, AND IF THEY "MADE YOU FAT" IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS STORING THAT ENERGY FOR LATER. YOU WERE STARVING TO DEATH. YOUR BODY WANTS TO HAVE EMERGENCY BACKUP NOW THAT IT CAN. It's a sign of LIFE!! Oh yeah-- and you ARE capable of love, RIGHT NOW, and YOU KNOW IT. DON'T DENY IT!!

Today's topic is BODY IMAGE & HOW THAT IS AFFECTING/ INFLUENCING OUR IDENTITY, notably & especially MINE, AS the CORE, AND ESPECIALLY SINCE THE JAY BLOODLINE APPARENTLY HAS NOT DIED OUT. That "identity" was admittedly very broken-- there was no religious stability & there was a LOT of sexual trauma/ hyperromanticism as a response + coping method? --but Jay's era was also legitimately SO, SO BEAUTIFUL. yet it was just as terrifying. And yet HE WAS A LOVING FATHER and we FELT LIKE WE HAD A REAL FUTURE with him. But, for religious & physical & traumatized reasons, his bloodline CAN'T be the primary one anymore. The BIGGER problem? WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT BLOODLINE IS. The Jewels are NOT SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE and we're starting to suspect that THEY CAN'T "GROW UP"? because they CANNOT BE "WOMEN" OR IT WILL KILL THEM. But the JESSICAS are DAMAGED SO MUCH, and they're SPLIT HARD between EARLY CHILDHOOD & EARLY TEENS?? Even their COLORS differ. Like they're INCOMPATIBLE WITH EACH OTHER, and that is BAD NEWS FOR THE BODY because EVERYONE OUTSIDE STILL SEES & CALLS US BY THAT NAME. So, to SURVIVE SOCIALLY, THAT BLOODLINE NEEDS TO BE HEALED SO IT CAN DRIVE THE CURRENTLY CHAOTIC SOCIAL "SUBSYSTEM"!!! And they NEED to ACTIVELY WORK WITH US. I pray that all the "integration of our WHOLE history" work we're going to begin with therapy AND family movies/ photos will ENABLE that healing. Inevitably it will at LEAST "wake up" a LOT of 'foni who will potentially be PART of that broken bloodline. That'll be HUGE, because for YEARS the ONLY "Jessica" we knew about was the "ANGRY BROWN JESS" who later seemed to SPLIT into "JEMMA" ("sad indigo Jess?") as well? But they were a MESS-- barely able to function, with suppressed senses of self & definite suicidal tendencies. My question is, WHEN & HOW DID THEY BECOME THE "IDENTITY" TIED TO THE BODY'S NAME??? WAS THAT AROUND 2003-2004, WHEN THE GENDER HELL STARTED, THE EATING DISORDER BEGAN  AS A MEANS TO COPE WITH IT, AND AS A RESULT OF ALL THIS, THE JEWEL BLOODLINE SPLIT OFF HARD INTO A CLEARLY SEPARATE/ DISTINCT BLOODLINE?? Geez that's INSANE how it ALL LINES UP. This means we NEED to look at old photos. We've sadly lost ALL the archival data from high school, which absolutely breaks my heart. But God allowed it to happen, so we must accept the loss & move on with what we have, & learn what we can from the "voiceless" data MOM has-- which, ACTUALLY, might be EXACTLY what we need, because the "planner"/ dA/ LJ entries from 2004-2007 were MOSTLY MANICS. But they WEREN'T SOCIALS?? At least, NOT the ones who WROTE for the most part. BUT WHOEVER WOULD BE ON FILM & IN PHOTOS MIGHT BE DIFFERENT, and we've had NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT UNTIL NOW-- plus, with our mental illness/ eating disorder, we were really INCAPABLE of FACING, PROCESSING, OR EVEN ACCEPTING THAT DATA UNTIL NOW, when we're finally even wanting/ willing (in choice) to INTEGRATE it. ...But that's where "identity" gets scary. WHO WERE WE BACK THEN?? We WEREN'T a nice or good person. BUT NEITHER WAS SAINT DISMAS so pray for his help & CHILL OUT BRO, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO LET GO & GROW & CHANGE FOR THE BETTER and WE HAVE. We just ALSO HAVE TO OWN OUR PAST, and THAT'S the ONLY WAY WE CAN. It's "OURS." It's MULTIPLE. Those broken, scary, angry, unhealthy, manic, lost girls STILL BELONG TO THE SYSTEM. They're STILL "FAMILY." And WE DON'T "HATE THEM." Our heart just breaks to realize that for them to be so distorted, they had to be damaged. 'Foni like that exist as "unhealthy coping fronters" because anyone SOFT or FRAGILE would get DESTROYED. So we have a LOT TO LEARN & it's ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL to our WHOLENESS & HISTORY & CLARIFICATION/ DISCERNMENT of our TRUE CORE IDENTITY, and the RESTORATION/ REDEMPTION of the BODY & ITS NAME, so we CAN FINALLY OWN IT, TOO.

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Maybe "having fat" ISN'T about "using it yourself"-- this perspective that a fat body is "only acceptable if it's TEMPORARY," as something "waiting to be burned off" inevitably as fuel. But instead, maybe it's about GOD. Maybe just HOLDING that far, that "STORAGE ALTAR" for food = CREATION, close to a HUMAN SOUL, is ACTIVELY WORKING TO SANCTIFY THOSE CREATED THINGS. With THAT perspective, fat bodies are UNIQUELY & POWERFULLY HOLY. SO IS YOURS!

✳ "WHAT DID I EAT TODAY" = "WHAT OF GOD'S CREATION AM I HELPING HIM SANCTIFY TODAY?" (FOOD = PRIESTLY OFFERING = LOVE)

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Dude just think about this too: NOW you have the OPPORTUNITY & PRIVILEGE to WORK AT GETTING YOUR BODY IN HEALTHY, STRONG SHAPE! You're NOT doing the "cowardly/ easy/ CHEATING" behavior of STARING IT THIN. But we could NEVER BULK UP TO BE A TANK THAT WAY. THAT REQUIRES HARD WORK & ENDURANCE & COMMITMENT & PERSISTENCE-- ALL VIRTUES WE WANT TO STRENGTHEN AS MUCH AS OUR BODY. And now we GET TO. So JOIN THE GYM and START WORKING AT IT. You CAN do it!!

"write a letter to your old body/ your ideal body (even if you never reached it).
explain why you thought you needed it at one time but now you are moving on.
allow yourself to miss that body.
then look to the future and tell that body how it doesn't align with your true self anymore."


Dearly broken, hurting, desperate, small body that was once mine: I cannot keep you.
Yes, you were beautiful in your own way. You were childlike, nimble, stripped-down, raw. You felt "clean"-- pure, light, absolutely minimal carnality. You toed the line between flesh and spirit, constantly burning away the former in the hope of becoming more of the latter. You filed all our edges and corners to bony points and angles. You were a wire and metal sculpture, silver-slim and sharpened. You were dying. You wanted to be an embodied knife-edge and our life was bleeding out for you.
Our limbs became fishbones. Your frantic sobbing desperation to abandon ship-self as much as possible was drowning us. I watched the weights as they dropped into the depths and I realized you would never be satisfied with anything but less. You were erasing yourself. You were committing slow & steady suicide. You were starving our entire being to literal death. And I NEVER WANTED THAT LIKE YOU DID. I WANT TO LIVE!
I miss your adolescent silhouette but it was a masquerade. You lied to me. I know the truth now, about BOTH of us. My body DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU. YOU ARE NOT ME. I'VE GROWN. I'M AN ADULT AND I HAVE SURVIVED AND I AM JOYFUL & CREATIVE & COURAGEOUS & STRONG! I am HAPPY to exist IN THE WORLD that GOD CREATED GOOD, and I am learning to TRULY LOVE MY BIG, POWERFUL NEW SHAPE. I am FAT and I will be MUSCULAR too. I am LARGER and I can HOLD MORE BEAUTY IN ME NOW. I am THICK & I TAKE UP SPACE & I'M WEIGHTY. I MATTER. I WON'T SHRINK TO NOTHING ANYMORE.
I LOVE THIS NEW FAT BODY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE AND I AM FULL OF THE GOOD THINGS OF GOD AND EVERY INCH OF ME IS PROOF THAT I WILL KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT. I'm not "just surviving" anymore. This body is FLOURISHING now.

(I'M A DRAGON & MY HEART IS FIRE AND I AM POWERFUL AND I WILL USE ALL OF MY BIGNESS TO PROTECT OTHERS AND LIGHT UP MY WORLD.)

I think my "defining phrase" is "COURAGEOUS HOPE." It sums up what my HEART feels like-- FIRE AND LIGHT. Today I realized that I KNOW WHO I AM, in TRUTH, not just "as God's child" in general fact BUT in WHAT THAT MEANS. I am CALLED TO BE A SAINT. I am GIFTED with a UNIQUE PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION, & "RESONANCE"; I have been GIFTED with UNIQUE TALENTS, ABILITIES, & PREFERENCES; I have been GIFTED with a UNIQUE MIND, SOUL, HEART, AND BODY, and placed in the EXACT TIME & PLACE & SOCIETY & CULTURE & FAMILY & NEIGHBORHOOD & CIRCUMSTANCES, with the NECESSARY HISTORY even, TO USE ALL THOSE GIFTS AS A FAITHFUL GOOD STEWARD TO ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM & "ADD" TO HIS RICHES & BRING HIM GLORY & JOY. That is WHAT HE CALLS ME TO. And so I CANNOT STAND IDLE. I CANNOT HIDE/ BURY/ DENY/ THESE GIFTS AND I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE A GOOD SOLDIER/ CHILD/ STEWARD/ BELOVED OF GOD. I want ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE WORSHIP. THAT'S MY PURPOSE. THAT'S MY JOY. And as COURAGEOUS HOPE, I SET MY SIGHTS ON GOD-- I ORIENT ALL OF ME TO ETERNITY, TO MY TRUE HOME & FAMILY IN HEAVEN, and I MARCH ON WITH A JOYOUSLY BURNING HEART. God gave me a WILL, and I DEVOTE IT TO MAKING MY WHOLE SELF A LIVING SACRIFICE OF LOVE. IN HOPE I REFUSE to give up or give in to worldly despair; "the things that are UNSEEN are ETERNAL". In COURAGE I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BY GOD'S GRACE, WEARING HIS ARMOR, TRUSTING IN HIS VICTORY-- CHRIST HAS CONQUERED DEATH!! LOVE HAS ALREADY WON. AND I BELONG TO LOVE. SO I CAN BE COURAGEOUSLY HOPEFUL!

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Talking to Dr. P, I think the HOLY SPIRIT legit witnessed to HIS purposes & hopes for us THROUGH our responses, because they just poured out of our heart. We said that, during treatment, we've GOTTEN FACTS to COMBAT & CONQUER the demons of despair/ doubt/ fear/ cowardice/ negativity, through HEARING words of SUPPORT & COMPASSION & FAITH from BOTH peers & staff, and I HAVE to have FAITH in THEM, too, TRUSTING them & WITNESSING TO that trust BY CULTIVATING THOSE VIRTUES further, which is ONLY POSSIBLE through LOVING SURRENDER/ COOPERATION WITH CHRIST, WHO IS HELPING ME & WANTS ME TO THRIVE & LIVE & GLORIFY HIM BY FULLY FLOURISHING. And I MUST DO THIS IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN-- AS A SYSTEM OF LOVE. We CAN do this TOGETHER. That brings us to point 2-- we CANNOT BASE OUR EMOTIONS/ HOPE/ etc. ON THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. True, we MUST do our best AND seek to edify others BY our good behavior/ example, because we WANT to be HONORABLE & a TRUE WITNESS TO CHRIST, but by that SAME baptized token we MUST ALSO HAVE CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ HOPE "FOR OURSELVES." WE MUST CHOOSE truth/ beauty/ goodness FOR OURSELF, for OUR CREATOR'S SAKE, even if NO ONE ELSE does. WE HAVE "THE SPIRIT OF LOVE & COURAGE & SELF-CONTROL." We CAN, and we WILL, STAY RECOVERED. We must DEDICATE ourselves to LIFE & CHARITY every day, a POSITIVE focus, WHILE STILL REMEMBERING "THE PIT GOD SAVED US FROM." NO TOXIC POSITIVITY!! We are a WHOLE! Our WOUNDS can be HOLY! But LIVE FROM A SPACE OF HOPE. LIVE FOR ETERNITY. Don't worry about passing worldly things. GOD HAS SET US FREE TO WORSHIP HIM! And YOUR NEW LIFE, turned OUTWARDS IN COMMUNION (not inwards in egotism), IS A PRAYER.

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WHY AM I STILL MINIBINGEING ON CONDIMENTS. The HIGHEST mealplan only requires 5 per meal, & sometimes I'm getting up to 9. THAT'S INSANE. STOP. I don't even LIKE the tastes at this point; I WANT TO ENJOY SIMPLE FOOD, AS-IS, NO ADULTERATIONS, NO "DROWNING/ MASKING" THE PLAIN TRUTH with EXCESS that is honestly FORCED & COMPULSIVE. And I realize WHY I'm doing it-- it's TWOFOLD: first, the old "I HAVE to know what EVERYTHING tastes like" (WHICH, BTW, we will have SUCCEEDED AT as of THURSDAY with dressing & packet options) AND the fearful "NEED" to KEEP pushing/ trying them "UNTIL I 100% LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM" (which is FOOLISH as well as RIGID? It's giving the message that "I'm NOT ALLOWED to DISLIKE ANYTHING" which CRUSHES my UNIQUE TASTES (personality resonance) AND implies that I believe (DISTORTED) that "not liking" a food/ flavor/ texture experience means I'M HATEFUL/ REJECTING GOD BY JUDGING HIS CREATION/ DEVALUING & DISDAINING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT = "disliking" ANYTHING that OTHERS like" means that I'm ATTACKING/ ERASING THEM??? It's seen as an ACT OF VIOLENCE & INGRATITUDE; "driving a wedge" between ME & COMMUNION WITH CREATION & HUMAN CULTURE; "if I DON'T like it, then I'll NEVER "be close to/ COMMUNE with" those who DO" = "SELF MERGING" & "DENIAL of OWN tastes" as INVALID/ EVIL); and SECOND, I ONLY forcepush them WHEN THERE'S A FOOD ITEM THAT I'M AFRAID OF CHOKING ON/ AFRAID I WON'T "BE ABLE" TO EAT IT "FAST ENOUGH" PLAIN. And BOTH of those are BINGE MINDSETS. We HAVE TO FIGHT & RESIST THAT NOW, WHILE WE'RE AT WAR WITH IT IN REALTIME!! THAT'S where VICTORY is won-- ON THE ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD. God has given us a HUGE OPPORTUNITY. And we MUST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE! From now on, we HAVE to FIGHT by ONLY choosing the REQUIRED amount of lipid exchanges, and NOT "SLUSHING" OUR FOOD "IN ORDER TO EAT IT FASTER." YOU'RE DISHONORING THE FOOD (GOD'S GIFT), REJECTING ITS TRUTH, HABITUATING YOURSELF TO BOTH MAKING & EATING SLOP, GETTING ADDICTED TO A HIGH FAT DIET, AND SETTING A VERY BAD & DISREPUTABLE EXAMPLE for your fellow patients. SERIOUSLY. When they see YOU condiment-bingeing, then THEY are TEMPTED to do the SAME, & also FEEL LESS ASHAMED OF IT, which is OUTRIGHT SCANDAL. ROMANS 14:15 & 20!!! YOU ARE LEADING PEOPLE INTO SIN. SO YOU MUST STOP, NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
✳ I don't recall the exact details of what we ordered this week, but we STILL made some stupid choices, and we HAVE to OWN UP to our addictive behavior, ADMIT our weakness, DISCERN & DIVULGE our distorted reasoning, & then COMMIT TO STOPPING THAT BEHAVIOR. Step ONE is WRITING that out. Step TWO is NOT USING EXCESS CONDIMENTS, EVEN if we ORDERED them! QUIT IT ASAP. NO EXCUSES. We HAVE to. I will admit, it IS VERY HARD to NOT eat EVERY CRUMB of what's on our tray, though. THAT, TOO, feels like UNGRATEFUL REJECTION & fills us with ANXIOUS GUILT & SHAME & REGRET. That's a HUGE OVERREACTION. WHAT IS THAT A PROJECTION OF, PRECISELY? = It's seen as BOTH a GIFT and a COMMAND/ ORDER, since it was SET IN FRONT OF US & WE CAN'T "PUT IT BACK." So, if we LEAVE it, we're saying, "I REJECT THIS GIFT/ I REFUSE TO OBEY/ SUBMIT." MAYBE even "I REFUSE TO SUFFER," which at LEAST implies that deep down we RECOGNIZE that this IS HARMFUL & UNHEALTHY & we DON'T WANT TO HURT/ ABUSE OURSELF WITH EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR ANYMORE. So DON'T. You know what DOES honor God? OBEYING the REAL mealplan, RESISTING binge compulsions, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, & DISCIPLINING OUR WILL so we can FREELY CHOOSE VIRTUE.

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I keep hearing other patients complain & gripe & grimace about our meals & mealplans, voicing sharp dislike & REFUSAL to comply/ cooperate, and... it's actually making me feel really depressed/ anxious? Like, "am I doing something WRONG or FOOLISH or CONDEMNABLE BY obeying the plans, pushing myself even further, & LIKING the food?" If I'm ACTUALLY eating the required lipids-- even if just margarine & mayonnaise-- and I'm ACTUALLY eating the required snacks-- even if just poptarts & cookies-- am I doing something WRONG? Am I STILL "abusing my body" by eating fats & sweets if I'm LEGIT OBLIGATED TO AS PART OF RECOVERY TREATMENT?? If the WHOLE ROOM is gagging at a certain entree on the menu and I CHOOSE IT & EAT IT & ENJOY IT, am I being foolish? They'll CONGRATULATE me for it, saying "you're so strong," "how difficult was it?" "I don't know how you do it," "good job! You made it through!" etc. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOME HERCULEAN EFFORT. I just DECIDED to eat the "intimidating" option & DECIDED to enjoy it & COMMITTED TO 100% AND I DID. WHY would that be difficult or a struggle or something I had to "grit my teeth & power through"? Is THAT what THEY do? ...That's heartbreaking. I don't know if I've EVER experienced that-- EXCEPT for the CHOCOLATE MILK SUICIDE of UPMC. Man. Is it THAT HARD for them, EVERY TIME? ...I NEED to show more compassion. It's just such an instinctual response to label it as "COWARDICE/ CHICKENING OUT" & "ATTACK" it out of ANGER, which is WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. ...gosh is THAT BACKFIRING & ACTUALLY ALSO FUELING THE CONDIMENT FORCING?? My instinct, when I detect "hesitance/ fear" over a choice/ decision in myself, is to "BEAT MYSELF UP" ("hit the whiny child") and FORCE myself TO do it, ALMOST OUT OF CRUELTY, EVEN IF I KNOW IT'S A REASONABLE FEAR & DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That VIOLENT "I HATE COWARDS" response IS SO STRONG. Ironically, it's ALSO IN CONFLICT WITH ITSELF. "I'm afraid of eating that food because the other patients say it'll cause serious disease & harm my body" COEXISTS with "I'm GOING to eat that food BECAUSE it scares me for some reason." So I "CAN'T SAY NO," EVEN to REAL RISK, because THAT'S "CHICKENING OUT"? "EAT that because you were TOLD to" vs. "REFUSE it because it's UNHEALTHY." I'm tired. I'm writing too fast & not thinking. The point: I'm terrified that I'm damning myself BY my obedience. Our body HAS gotten very fat/ swollen/ bloated, & we're in constant pain & discomfort. This is a cross, but is it ALSO the "sign that we're making a stupid decision" & ACTUALLY "killing our body" BY eating the food we're being TOLD to eat? OR is THAT the POINT of the cross-- RESTITUTION for the eating disorder, SUFFERING as HUMBLING PENANCE? And will this PASS, & suddenly leave us TRULY WHOLE & HEALTHY TO LIVE FULLY & FREELY FOR GOD? ...Why does eating STILL feel like it's an obstacle? AM I eating too much? Still? Am I actually STILL SINNING by eating "all this food" "WITHOUT DISCRETION" & even eating "luxury" foods? Am I suffering as PUNISHMENT for GLUTTONY & IMPRUDENCE & INTEMPERANCE even now, in recovery, allegedly, and in obedience? I should talk to staff about this. I'm afraid that if I'm discharged with this mindset of "you HAVE to eat HYPERCLEAN foods or it's STUPID & SUICIDAL" AND "your fatty & bloated body is VISIBLE MANIFESTATION/ PROOF of your CARNAL INSATIABILITY & UNSPIRITUAL DISPOSITION & UGLY GREEDY LUST." Like thin = holy. Like skeletal = pure. But I WAS DYING. And I was WASTING GOD'S GIFTS, INCLUDING MY LIFE. ...CAN I STILL LIVE A GOOD LIFE IF I'M FAT? Isn't eating this much just an "acceptable (medically) perpetuation OF the eating disorder??" THAT'S the HARDEST part of recovery treatment here. The food is RUSHED and it IS often "junk food" & I HAVE to eat it amidst SATANIC TV NOISE & constant table chatter, unable to "ground/ center" & SLOW DOWN & FOCUS ONLY ON GOD. ...It's a BINGE ENVIRONMENT. And I do NOT WANT TO GET ACCUSTOMED TO THIS... OR LET THIS DISTRESS MOTIVATE ME TO RESTRICT AGAIN in a desperate attempt to "REVERSE THE DAMAGE & START OVER." ...and I DO ALREADY WANT TO. That "fear of being POISONED" is sadly lingering. I BELIEVE that if I RUSH through a meal, DISTRACTED & DISSOCIATED & DISTURBED, unable to eat mindfully & express wonder & gratitude in realtime, then I'm "EATING THE STRESS" & "SWALLOWING THE ENVIRONMENT" & being SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY CORRUPTED BY IT.
✳ IT'S THE "MEL" TERROR. Remember, how when I got back home from SLC, I LITERALLY FELT & BELIEVED that ALL that "SCARY ANGRY YELLOW SCREAMING ENERGY" was BEING STORED IN MY STOMACH FAT, because THAT'S where "WHAT I HAD TO EAT/ SWALLOW" WENT, & it was ALL THE TERROR OF SLC AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF ME OR IT WOULD "TURN ME INTO THEM" and KILL ME as an ultimate result. I'M AFRAID OF THAT HAPPENING AGAIN NOW. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THOSE EVIL, EVIL TELEVISION SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THE ATTITUDES OF THE OTHER PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR "WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ DISLIKE/ SARCASM/ BITTERNESS/ FEAR/ SPINELESSNESS/ ETC." AND THAT'S CRUEL OF ME TO SAY BUT THEY TALK ABOUT FOOD SO DISTORTEDLY & JUDGMENTALLY & IT HURTS AND I DON'T WANT THAT IN ME JUST BECAUSE IT KEEPS GOING INTO MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EARS AS I EAT. God I am SO TIRED. Please, please, help me to be kind. Help me NOT to judge. Help me to HAVE MERCY, WITHOUT "APPROVING" THOSE ATTITUDES, IN OTHERS OR MYSELF. Please, God, I'm BEGGING You, PLEASE DON'T LET ME SWALLOW SIN & EVIL. Matthew 15:11 & 17-18. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. DON'T LET ME CORRUPT IT. GIVE ME A NEW, CLEAN, PURE HEART SO I DON'T POISON MYSELF AND THE FOOD & EVERYONE ELSE. God, PLEASE help me enjoy the meals. PLEASE, I'm begging you again, I know it's stupid & selfish & carnal & evil but oh God please. I WANT to enjoy & treasure the food AS YOURS, as YOUR Creation & Gift, for YOUR SAKE. ...please God, please let me enjoy this food. I'm so sorry for what I did wrong, whatever it is. Please show me clearly, & then PLEASE help me & LET me do the needed penance & restitution for it so I CAN enjoy the food at last... IF that's not a sin in & of itself. Lord I'm a tangled mess right now. I just want SO BADLY to EAT HOW & LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. And deep down I KNOW THAT'S "EDEN." EATING ISN'T EVIL, & ENJOYING FOOD ISN'T A SIN-- OTHERWISE HEAVEN WOULDN'T BE A FEAST. (of RICH FARE!!) & YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN, IN PERFECT LOVE & WISDOM, TO GIVE YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE TO US, THROUGH EATING, IN THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST. You DELIGHT in feeding us, even here in this fallen world. It's MEANT to be JOY. LET IT BE THAT.

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Our group assignment is to THINK OF/ DISCERN statements/ phrases we will LIKELY HEAR upon being SEEN at a higher weight/ upon meeting people who STILL SEE US AS THE EATING DISORDER; i.e. who "HAVE NO FAITH OR HOPE IN US." And THAT response is what HURTS the MOST & elicits a kneejerk WOUNDED ANGER/ MOURNING response. We feel TRAPPED. And really, WE SHOULD EXPRESS EXACTLY THAT. Be CONFIDENT in OURSELF, WITH GOD'S CONSTANT HELP. By golly THAT'S what we should say! BRING GOD ACTIVELY INTO IT. Let them KNOW that it's NOT "JUST ME," in BOTH senses ideally! BE SHOCKINGLY HONEST FROM HERE ON OUT. And KEEP your HEART OPEN & GENTLE. Wear that cloak!
✳ "Body comments" CAN be accepted easily & gratefully IF YOU'RE WILLING TO RECEIVE THEM AS COMPLIMENTS! When KIND & POSITIVE words are offered, DO NOT NEGATE THEM! TRUST that person's kindness! STAY IN THE LIGHT! EMBRACE the HOPE of a NEW & COMPASSIONATE perspective-- one FREE OF DISTORTION & SELFISHNESS. When others say "you look good/ healthy/ so much better/ beautiful/ FEMININE" etc., GRATEFULLY ACCEPT & AFFIRM THAT CHARITY. IT'S FROM GOD. MOVE INTO THAT NEW SPACE OF FREEDOM & JOY; DON'T FIGHT/ REJECT IT LIKE A DEVIL! THANK them SINCERELY and enter into GENUINE CELEBRATORY DIALOGUE. SHARE THIS NEW HAPPINESS. It's TRUTH!! It's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL!! Your thinness & eating disorder were the result of ABUSE & HATE & FEAR & SELFISHNESS & LIES & CRUELTY & DEATH. LEAVE THAT AND DISOWN IT. YOU HAVE BEEN "CREATED ANEW!" GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A "NEW BODY," FULL OF LIFE & HOPE! So CHERISH IT & LEARN HOW BY RECEIVING THAT GRATEFUL "INSTRUCTION" FROM OTHERS' LOVE!
✳ The HARDEST comments to handle are the NEGATIVE ones-- "make sure you don't relapse"; "how soon until you go right back to how you were?" "you better not mess up this time," etc. FIGHT DARK WITH LIGHT. These are OPPORTUNITIES to STAND UP FOR TRUTH & GOODNESS, & BRING THE OTHER PERSON WITH YOU!! Respond with PATIENT KINDNESS & PEACE. Speak with HOPE & FAITH in GOD'S GRACE TO KEEP YOU IN RECOVERY, & WITNESS TO THAT. Even if they STILL don't trust YOU, affirm CONFIDENTLY & LOVINGLY that YOUR TRUST IS IN GOD, & THEIRS SHOULD BE, TOO. ASK THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU! REDIRECT their thoughts TO hope & faith! Deep down, they just FEAR a relapse. (NEGATIVE comments express a HIDDEN CARE; they DO WANT YOU TO BE WELL, but focus on the RISKS)

✳ WE HAVE TO FIGHT CONCUPISCENCE because GOD WANTS US TO BE STRONG & DISCIPLINED & COURAGEOUS. Being "evil" is EASY & COWARDLY. Being "GOOD" IS A FIGHT, but we're GUARANTEED VICTORY IN CHRIST! SO BE HIS SOLDIER. The DEVIL is AFRAID. As Christians, WE have NOTHING to fear, we HAVE GOD'S LOVE.

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We're still getting itchy & burny eyes/ runny nose/ nausea/ etc. after eating eggs. I will message our allergist about this tomorrow, but for now, we NEED to edit the mealplan slightly to EXCLUDE EGGS & SOY, because if a "minor skinprick response" is STILL making us feel this sick, maybe we should stop trying to "build up a tolerance". But until we hear back from her, right now I'm going to keep eating eggs (I enjoy them even so) & tracking symptoms UNLESS it gets TOO concerning or we're TOLD to stop, I guess. I'm not sure how we'd alter our BK otherwise-- to get 3P with our allergies, we would HAVE to get cottage cheese, sausage, AND sunbutter EVERY morning, OR triple one of those options, and that's both difficult & kind of gross (salty & oversticky/ dense). We'll see after tomorrow. We should at least try??  Honestly the most REALISTIC option IS the Sunbutter-- we wouldn't be eating any sausage at home, it pairs well with the breakfast items, and it's our only easily prepped/ available option for an "exchange eligible" protein at home... But seriously, think about this change REALISTICALLY. At home we can always BANK ON GREEK YOGURT. Really our ONLY concern is RIGHT NOW, & step one is TRY THE SUNBUTTER, & do WHATEVER the ALLERGIST SAYS. By the way, this DOES AFFECT CONDIMENT FORCING, because it ALL seems to have EGGS &/OR SOY OIL. But hey, that's MOTIVATION to KICK THE HABIT. We've had 12 DAYS of pseudobinge behavior with the bloody things so START CUTTING BACK, if not COMPLETELY COLD TURKEY, unless we can't avoid it as part of the menu. We CANNOT be "feeding the REAL monster" of ADDICTIVE COMPULSION, ESPECIALLY with our LIFE at risk!

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✳ WORK WITH THE LOWEST EXCHANGE PLAN UNTIL WE JOIN A GYM! WE WILL NEED TO BULK UP AS WE GAIN STRENGTH?
✳ ARE WE FOCUSING ON WEIGHTS AT FIRST? RESTART CARDIO SLOWLY?

✳I'M SO TIRED OF FOOD FOCUS. I WANT TO LIVE. Yes we STILL need to feed & nourish the body God gave us, BUT our FOCUS MUST BE ON WORSHIP/ ETERNITY!! "REMEMBER YOU ARE BUT DUST." & 1 CORINTHIANS 6:12-14!!

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✳ New marker color, but OLD topic. Basically, WHY ARE SO MANY FOODS STILL "SCARY" AFTER WE'VE EATEN THEM? And WHY does it feel like POTENTIALLY ALL "FEAR FOODS" WILL STILL BE SCARY/ AVOIDED OUTSIDE OF THE HOSPITAL??? WHY DOES CONTEXT CHANGE THINGS & "OVERRIDE" THE HEALING MINDSET?? IS IT JUST the "REBELLIOUS CHILD" INSTINCT? Am "I" just TRYING to "PROTECT" myself BY REFUSING/ FIGHTING WHEN I "FINALLY CAN AGAIN"?? If so, then THE REAL FEAR ROOTS HAVEN'T BEEN HEALED, and it MIGHT ACTUALLY be ONE BIG ROOT. So we HAVE to discern WHAT IT IS. There's a BELIEF somewhere, FALSE & NEGATIVE, fueling ALL this.

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FOODS "AT RISK OF RELAPSE" and WHY (esp. "not safe AT HOME/ IF I CHOOSE THEM?) =
1) "SUGAR"/ SWEET FOODS. We wrote about this in the back. It's an ANCIENT "HACK TRIGGER" & therefore honestly the FIRST "TRAUMA FOOD" (CHOCOLATE). This INCLUDES FRUIT, which already has cultural associations with sex on its own. "Desserts" are considered "indulgent/ sensual/ luxurious" & therefore feel like INVITATIONS FOR TRAUMA.The very QUALITY of "sweetness" is in itself a bomb siren.
2) "CHILDHOOD" FOODS. This honestly baffled me UNTIL I realized, "they were eaten WITH THE FAMILY." Even if we "LOVE THE FAMILY AND LIKE THE FOOD," there is this HEAVY VENEER of ANXIOUS DREAD over it REGARDLESS. This includes POLISH food (church picnics), ITALIAN food (going out on weekends, after church?), FAST food (from vacations & road trips), & GRANDMA'S COOKING, tragically enough. It ALSO includes a group we FORGOT until flashbacks hit here: SCHOOL LUNCHES. We could probably ALSO include CIOCI ANN/ COUSIN foods (her house AND local folks), AND HOLIDAY foods (Christmas/ Easter). We'll make the actual lists separately, but the CONNECTING POINT for ALL of them is that THEY WERE ALL EATEN WITH THE FAMILY, OR A "FAMILY" ANALOGUE (school, church), IN A GROUP/ SOCIAL SETTING... UNDER HIGH ANXIETY, due to CONFLICT and/or SOCIAL OVERWHELM? BUT they still DIFFER from the NEXT broad category, because they're NOT explicitly--
3) "TRAUMA" FOODS. This group BOTH overlaps with the previous two, AND contains its own unique items. But THESE are DEFINED by DIRECT EXPERIENTIAL ASSOCIATION WITH TRAUMATIC EVENTS, even if JUST ONE, that "TAINTED" it "ESSENTIALLY" despite later non-traumatic exposures? We're STRIVING to heal that NOW, but we're struggling because the ROOTS ARE DEEP & KNOTTED. These require MENTAL RECOVERY too.
4) "FEAR" FOODS. These are scary/ unsettling for reasons that DON'T involve PEOPLE? They're based on MEDICAL/ PHYSIOLOGICAL fears, typically born FROM ACTUAL DISTURBING/ UNSETTLING EXPERIENCES. These include NON-TRAUMA "allergy"/ "poison"/ "fatal"/ etc. fears, often "baseless" except for the "initiating event" itself. These are BIZARRELY HARD TO "GET OVER" because their roots are MENTAL & "UNREASONABLE" & BASED ON "THE UNKNOWN," claiming a "PERPETUAL RISK FACTOR" regardless of exposure: "NEXT time it MIGHT kill me." There's NO "PROOF". It requires a CHANGE in our CORE PERSPECTIVE/ MINDSET??? to "NOT FEAR DEATH," WHILE STILL BEING PRUDENT/ REASONABLE. THIS REQUIRES BOTH WISDOM AND TOTAL TRUSTING SURRENDER TO GOD'S LOVING WILL for us.

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I heard a LOT of negative food talk from patients today, & it's not the first time. "The sherbet looks so gross/ disgusting." "All this butter & mayonnaise is going to clog our arteries." "Why can't I just eat fruit & salad instead of hamburgers & hot dogs?" "I'm only eating toast without butter." "The food doesn't taste good, right?" etc. There's SO MUCH JUDGMENT of foods as "disgusting," "gross," "unhealthy," "BAD," etc. People flat-out taste a food, grimace, & throw the rest away. They refuse to try new options because they "sound gross." Et cetera. And I feel SO DEPRESSED over all this. I'm trying SO HARD to LIKE & APPRECIATE & EAT EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY the ones people say are "DISGUSTING." I DIDN'T choose the pot pie today because I thought it was "unappetizing" (because of HOME & BINGE ASSOCIATIONS, but STILL) and I can't stop beating myself up over it. BUT, although I "wanted" the "Grandma cookie" for snack, I chose the "sweet crackers" because NO ONE ELSE DID & "they were UNLOVED." BUT I'm STILL feeling "regret/ want" because the other option was "GRANDMA COOKIES" & I feel like I've BETRAYED HER. If they had simply said "chocolate chip cookies," I probably WOULDN'T have wanted them because the association is DIFFERENT & ANXIOUS (child binge punishment fear). BUT YOU SEE THE PROBLEM. THIS IS ANCIENT, but in light of recent entries IT MAKES SENSE NOW. It's PROJECTION. I IDENTIFY WITH THE FOOD. Negatively, "I AM A CONSUMABLE OBJECT"; Positively, "I AM MEANT FOR COMMUNION." And I see/hear that SYMBOLICALLY REFLECTED in the way that others, AND MYSELF, speak about/ treat FOOD. "I'M gross/ disgusting." = "I'M undesirable/ unwanted." "I'M going to hurt/ kill people if they take me into their life, because I'm "TOO MUCH" ("FAT")." "I'M distasteful." etc. "I'M NOT GOOD FOR PEOPLE." But WHY? What "MAKES" me & the food so "unhealthy & bad"? Bluntly, it's FAT & MEAT. Rich, heavy, "MANLY" food, weirdly enough. SO MANY PEOPLE act like UNLESS you're THIN/ LIGHT/ SLIM/ PETITE/ DELICATE/ MILD, etc. like FRESH FRUIT & PLAIN SALAD & RICE CAKES & FATFREE YOGURT & ALL the other stuff they MARKET TO WOMEN, YOU'RE UNPALATABLE, POISONOUS, GROSS, HARMFUL, UNHEALTHY. It's SUBTLE MISANDRY as much as it's GNOSTIC HERESY. It VILIFIES BOTH MASCULINITY AND THE HUMAN BODY... which, ACTUALLY, is ALSO BRUTAL MISOGYNY. Women are CREATED TO BE MOTHERS-- to be LIFEGIVERS. WOMEN WERE GRACED WITH THE STUNNING PRIVILEGE OF BECOMING FOOD FOR THEIR CHILDREN-- BECOMING EUCHARISTIC. Really, this DEMONIC WAR ON FOOD is a WAR AGAINST CHRIST & MANKIND, AND OUR MOTHER in a terribly specific way. So YEAH, "the insults against GOD fall on ME." I, by grace alone, am FINALLY ABLE TO SEE FOOD (AND GENDER) AS GOOD & HOLY, and so when I see/ hear OTHERS INSULTING/ CONDEMNING THOSE THINGS ESPECIALLY IN WAYS THAT IMPLY/ SUGGEST/ ACCUSE (BLASPHEME) that GOD has "MADE something BAD/ HARMFUL/ BROKEN/ WRONG," OR THAT HE HAS "MADE A MISTAKE," it ACTIVELY MAKES ME ANGRY, FROM HEARTACHE & CHARITY! I LOVE GOD AND HUMANITY and I WANT (NEED) TO DEFEND & DECLARE & UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF MAN, THE GOODNESS & PURPOSE OF CREATION, & THE LOVE/ JUSTICE/ GLORY OF GOD!!

✳ A PROBLEM with asserting BASIC NEEDS: I'M USED TO MOM'S RESPONSES to my attempts. The OTHER problem is that SHE HAS A POINT! I DON'T (DIDN'T?) KNOW HOW TO "PROPERLY" MEET THOSE NEEDS IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T BECOME ALL-ENCOMPASSING & RITUALLY INFLEXIBLE? And I WANT TO BE FREE & FLEXIBLE BECAUSE I NEED TO LIVE FOR REAL, and that REQUIRES HELPING OTHERS & BEING CREATIVE & ACTUALLY HAVING THE PSYCHIC LIBERTY TO MEET & ADAPT TO UNEXPECTED ADVENTURES AS THEY APPEAR. And so, when mom complains that she can't do anything with me because I'm "ALWAYS EATING" or "PREPARING TO EAT," SHE'S RIGHT. I've been using MEALS/ PREP as an "OCD" RITUALISTIC-CYCLE FOCUS because EATING IS A REAL NEED and so I "CAN JUSTIFY IT" if pressed & therefore PERPETUATE THE CYCLE. It would STAY SECURE & STABLE. But it was a PRISON. I was TRAPPED in a cage of my own design, convinced it was "comfortable" and "safe" and "necessary FOR my mental health," but it was KEEPING ME FRAGILE, "frozen" in a loop, unable to GET OUT of the wheel ruts & ACTUALLY BLAZE A NEW TRAIL OF RECOVERY, to TAKE THE CHAINS OFF and FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT! And as overly simple as it sounds, ALL THAT BEGINS with LITTLE CHOICES FOR TRUTH & VIRTUE, RIGHT NOW. It means "keeping my loins girt & lamp trimmed," READY & WAITING & WATCHING for CHRIST-- because His coming IS RIGHT NOW, IN ME, AS HIS BAPTIZED CHILD & MEMBER OF HIS BODY, AS A TEMPLE OF HIS SPIRIT. And... a Temple is a place of PUBLIC WORSHIP & SACRIFICE. A Body is a UNITED WHOLE, operating TOGETHER for the COMMON GOOD, & ADAPTING TO ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. The point is FREEDOM FROM SELF, FOR COMMUNITY. I CAN'T DO THAT IN THIS SELFCENTERED JAIL. Listen I WANT TO HELP MY MOM UP THE HOUSE, ANY & EVERY TIME SHE ASKS. I LOVE HER and I WANT TO BE PART OF HER LIFE, NOW, AS SHE NEEDS, ON HER TERMS, WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I WANT TO BE FREE of my stupid control-freak ouroboros hell. I want to be ABLE to WORK & EAT & CELEBRATE with her, WITHOUT "WAITING/ LOOKING FOR THE EXIT" so I can shackle myself back to the bloody wheel. NO. I WANT TO BE FREE TO LOVE!!! free to GIVE & SHARE & FEEL & WAIT & EXPLORE & EMBRACE & CONNECT WITH OTHERS! And it SOUNDS ridiculous but STEP ONE is LETTING GO OF FOOD RULES. If you AREN'T "waiting to get back home so I can do my food rituals" and ARE INSTEAD LIBERATED by TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE to EAT WHAT IS SET IN FRONT OF YOU, WHENEVER & WHEREVER THAT HAPPENS, then your focus & energy & effort can ALL BE REDIRECTED TO PEOPLE, IN CHARITY, FOR GOD'S GLORY. ...and step one of love is to embrace "chaos."

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✳ Thin = "insignificant" = "not worth taking up space," frail, helpless, weak, useless, need to be protected? "can't do anything on my own," "invisible," "crushed/ stamped out/ down"
✳ "Something has to DIE for me to live" (food) and "I'm tired of being a cause of death" (MONSTER)
✳ STARVATION IS SUICIDE. Anorexia = "I have no right to exist" / "I shouldn't be alive because I'm feeding off others by existing"; "if I don't eat & die, everyone else will be better off/ EAT & LIVE"
✳ I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE THIN. I HATE THIS FRAILTY. But I'm SCARED to look in the mirror and see toothpick arms & legs, to see hollow cheeks & sunken ribs & a concave stomach on the worst days. I'm literally wasting away & that's TERRIFYING. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO GET BIG & STRONG & MUSCULAR & ALIVE!! So... why do I keep wanting the number on the scale to drop? What's that about? Am I DISASSOCIATING the weight number from my increasingly skeletal body? Why the heck do you "WANT' to be 87 pounds??? Is it all just some sort of passive self-erasure? Are you crying out for help? Your subconscious is OBVIOUSLY trying to communicate something of desperate importance, because something in there IS scared of the body getting bigger, EVEN BY MUSCLE GAIN. And that's BIZARRE. I WANT to be a TANK if I can. I WANT to be a strong warrior to HELP & PROTECT & FIGHT FOR OTHERS. And yet, there IS STILL this unknown hidden buried terror that "wants to lose more weight." Why? You DO REALIZE that by BOTH STARVING & OVEREXERTION (ironically), this poor body is ONLY LOSING "WEIGHT" because IT IS LITERALLY EATING ITSELF ALIVE. It's SO HUNGRY and you WON'T FEED IT because you WANT to "BE" FOOD so HERE'S THE IRONIC END RESULT. You CANNOT GIVE what you DON'T HAVE. You STILL NEED TO EAT, by GOD'S DESIGN, and your poor body WILL autophage you to death if you refuse to let it partake of the rest of Creation. Resisting the LORD'S plan for LIFE in GENERAL will INEVITABLY KILL YOU. But you CAN CHOOSE LIFE, RIGHT NOW, BY COMMITTING YOURSELF TO EAT ENOUGH OF GOD'S LIFE-GIFTS TO BE FULL ENOUGH TO SHARE IT. YOU'RE CURRENTLY TOO EMACIATED TO CARRY ANY GIFTS IN THOSE FEEBLE LIMBS. You can either be an ICICLE or SANTA CLAUS, kiddo!! CHOOSE JOY & GENEROSITY.

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✳ Julie, Laurie, Lynne, & I were discussing CHOCOLATE in the hallway, both WHY we STILL fear it & HOW to REDEEM it by DISCERNING & HONORING the GOD-CREATED GOOD AT ITS HEART. Julie said it's an "aphrodisiac," boosting desire. But GOD meant desire to LEAD TO HIM, because God ALSO meant sex to be HOLY, UNITIVE, & LIVEGIVING, a REFLECTION of TRINITARIAN LOVE (SELFGIVING) & GOD'S MARRIAGE TO HIS CREATION/ PEOPLE!! So, if chocolate boosts desire, it's boosting our ability/ openness TO enter into that selfgiving love? Think of Valentine's Day! Desire says, "what is desirable is GOOD, and WORTHY of being UNITED with in MUTUALLY GIVING LOVE," because ALL true unity IS Love. GOD "DESIRES" US, AFTER ALL-- it's WHY HE CREATED US, & BECAME MAN!! So, think of THAT when you eat chocolate! God gave it the capacity to help inflame our cold hearts with the warmth of relationship & goodness seen & treasured. It's SWEET & RICH, symbols of heaven's wealth. AND Laurie reminded us, it has ANTIOXIDANTS, which FIGHT DEATH/ DECAY & PRESERVE LIFE/ HEALTH! It ALSO has CAFFEINE, which KEEPS YOU ALERT-- like your SOUL must be, always awake to God! No wonder we eat chocolate at Easter! It's ALL ABOUT LIFE & LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & AWAKENING. Thank God for snack wisdom!!

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8PM snack revealed that our mealdata-recall problem is MIRRORING TRAUMA. In moments where we feel SO UNSAFE/ IN DANGER that we hit "HYPER FOCUS," THAT DATA STICKS, ALONG WITH THE FEELINGS OF FEAR/ DANGER???

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✳ SIT WITH your emotions, NOT THROUGH THEM. HOLD THEM & FEEL THEM. They're REAL & they EXIST for a REASON and they are IMPORTANT and they TRULY CARE ABOUT YOU. Dude ANXI IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. HOLD HER FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!!

DAY ONE (point five, haha) & GOOD MORNING TOWER!
I have decided that I'VE GOTTA ACT ON MY TRUE HEART in light of yesterday's papers & regrets & HOPES, and of course in the Light & Grace of CHRIST. I must DISCERN & ACCEPT REALITY as a GIFT FROM GOD, because it IS, in ALL circumstances, BY HIS PROVIDENCE, yet we can only live IN & ACCORDING to that by FAITH & TRUST.
Let me pause.This is the super-optimistic mindset that I DO believe IS of the Holy Spirit, as it is ALL joy & hope, BUT it is still imperfect in LOVE because IT FORGETS/ GLOSSES OVER MY WOUNDS. And a KEY part of "ME," am absolutely ESSENTIAL aspect of my HEART & SOUL, is "BLOOD." Holy wounds, loving suffering, selfgiving sacrifice, BLEEDING not out of malice or "weakness" but like JESUS, to GIVE & PROTECT & SUSTAIN LIFE somehow. It's been that was since childhood, and GOD PUT THAT IN ME FOR HIS GLORY and I MUST REJOICE in GRATITUDE for EXACTLY HOW HE MADE ME, EMBRACE IT & ACT ON IT in LOVE/ CHARITY, and STOP DENYING/ SUPPRESSING/ REJECTING/ FEARING IT. Listen you KNOW THE TRUTH, even if it scares you, you KNOW the Truth ALWAYS brings JOY & PEACE & CLARITY even when it's scary or hard or strange, AND most importantly, TRUTH ALWAYS BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO GOD THROUGH CHRIST. If you aren't actively reveling in Scripture & hungering for prayer & seeking ACTIVELY to witness to the Faith in word & action, you're NOT in Truth. And that milquetoasty mindset I was in yesterday was NOT "TRUE." It was ENTIRELY DISHONEST, totally DISSONANT & DEGRADING & DISGRACEFUL, and the worst part is I KNEW IT but I was too chicken to CHOOSE to ACT ON TRUTH because I felt it was "out of place" or rude or something. TAKE THE RISK, as blunt as that sounds. PRAY over it, but then ACT with LOVE for GOD, OTHERS, AND SELF, in INTEGRITY!!! DON'T SNUFF YOUR FLAME. EMBRACE & WELCOME JOY & BEAUTY. ACTUALIZE HOPES through FAITH in GOD'S PROVIDENCE GUIDING YOU WHO LOVE HIM & are GENUINELY STRIVING to LIVE OUT THAT LOVE through ACTIONS-- actually WORKS OF MERCY & SELFGIFT. REMEMBER THE SIGURD STORY? Dude if YOU'RE a dragon then BY YOUR NATURE, YOUR HEART IS MEANT TO BE EUCHARISTIC. So go & bleed, so that others can hear the sweet Voice of the Bird, too. He is Who made you like this. You're HIS Temple. Christ IN YOU wants to act as PRIEST & SACRIFICE. CHOOSE to cooperate in joy. That's your LIFE.

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"Do you believe that it's OK to be optimistic?" WHAT do you FEAR?
What is the difference between OPTIMISM & "being blinded to reality?" WHY does POSITIVITY feel like a PUNISHABLE MISTAKE? Why does it feel STUPID/ FOOLISH/ IGNORANT?
(Is this learned behavior from mom & grandma always CATASTROPHIZING?) (ASSUME & prepare for the WORST?)
✳ My understanding/ definition OF optimism is INCOMPLETE. I tend to think it means "handwaving" away ALL possible obstacles/ difficulties: a BLINDED focus on ONLY one's hopeful ideals, seeing them almost as GUARANTEED. This ALSO FUELS MORAL COMPLACENCY because it DENIES SPIRITUAL BATTLE!!! REAL optimism SEES & SERIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGES the REAL & ESSENTIAL & INEVITABLE STRUGGLE. BUT IT'S UNSHAKABLY GROUNDED in FAITH-- TRUST in GOD'S VICTORY of GOOD PROVIDENCE, and by extension, HIS GRACE working IN & THROUGH ME for HIS GLORY in ACTUALIZING that victory IN MY LIFE. But it REQUIRES the BATTLE of the CROSS. Optimism just SEES the RESURRECTION!

✳ "WHY am I making judgments?" What does that say about my PRIORITIES & VALUES? "WHY am I COMPARING myself to others?" What GOOD do I see, that I feel I LACK? WHY is it good? WHY do I WANT it? // What END do I hope to achieve BY judging?
✳ FIGHT/ TRANSFORM with GRATITUDE, COMPASSION; HUMILITY & "WISE MIND"

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NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT GOD-- SO LOOK FORWARD TO THE RESURRECTION OF YOUR "IMPERFECT" BODY TO PERFECTION IN CHRIST!

YOUR BODY IS ALIVE AND IT CARES FOR YOU. It constantly does all these interior functions to keep you alive & well-- it's GOD'S DESIGN!
Your body IS something to love. It IS YOU!!

YOU HAVE INHERENT WORTH, GIVEN BY GOD, AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR BODY.

REPROGRAM THE AUTOMATIC BODY-JUDGMENT THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE (HOLY) AFFIRMATIONS ABOUT IT-- CONFORM YOUR THOUGHTS TO CHRIST!!

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I'm frustrated/ angry & legit depressed because I keep having to CHOKE RUSH MY MEALS and NO SENSORY DATA is registering AT ALL. Am I THAT dissociated? Why this BREAK of NUMBNESS between mind/ heart/ body? It's not communicating data. WHY.

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Important things I need to accept in my life right now:
1. Other people WILL hurt and scared me WITHOUT MEANING TO do so.
2. I need to eat around others.
3. I WILL suffer hunger, sensory overwhelm, and lack of safety/ silence.
4. Other people CAN'T READ MY MIND or "PASSIVE CUES" so DON'T expect them to deliver or respect or comfort you.
5. I must sacrifice my preferences and instead meekly obey & cooperate (no agency; be a lamb)
6. My body will chance (but NOT my SOUL?)
7. I will be here all week. I cannot bail out.

✳ ACCEPT REALITY; DON'T FIGHT/ RESIST/ DENY/ WHINE/ COMPLAIN.
✳ CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT PROBLEMS = USE YOUR WILL AND CHOOSE CHRIST BY GRACE.
✳ ACCEPT EVERYTHING FROM GOD'S HANDS!
✳ LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, NO MATTER HOW MANY PAINFUL/ FRIGHTENING EVENTS YOU MUST ENDURE.
✳ GOD'S PERMISSIVE OR ACTIVE WILL IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL; IT'S ALL UNDER HIS LOVING PROVIDENCE!

"MIMIC IT UNTIL YOU MEAN IT"

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GRATITUDE PLANNER

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION=
Progress in healing is STILL happening, even if you don't "do it perfectly," because you ARE STILL giving it your BEST SINCERE EFFORT. Don't let feelings of inadequacy lie to you. Your effort COUNTS/ MATTERS.

MOOD OF THE DAY=
COURAGEOUS, DETERMINED, HOPEFUL = CHANGE FOR GOOD IS POSSIBLE, TODAY, NOW! "DARKNESS CANNOT WIN" = LIVE IN THIS!

INSPIRATION OF THE DAY=
"The hope of an eternal tomorrow," EVEN the hope of another evening; EVERY MOMENT is ANOTHER CHANCE to CHOOSE the GOOD, LEARN & GROW from obstacles/ setbacks, and REORIENT YOURSELF to LOVE. Slow down & BREATHE. You are ALIVE & WANTED. Your life MATTERS. Embrace this gift.

MENTAL INTENTION=
I will be honest with myself & others in thought & speech. I will feed the virtuous thoughts and they will heal the hurt ones with themselves, bringing about integrity & unity, not destruction or starvation. I will cultivate patience, gentleness, gratitude, and hope, choosing love & light.

PHYSICAL INTENTION=
I will pay close attention to how I inhabit & hold my body, and liberate it from stress tightness & anxious curving inwards. I will mindfully eat with gratitude, actively acknowledging food as sacred medicine for my body's neglected state, a selfgift of love from God my Father.

SPIRITUAL INTENTION=
I will read Scripture throughout the day, and make a habit of lifting my heart & mind to God in all circumstances. I will witness to God whenever the chance is given. I will say regular prayers at morning & night. I will make spiritual communions often. I will recognize God's Providence in all situations.

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TREATMENT NOTES:

1) FASTING IS OKAY AND VIRTUOUS. RESTRICTING IS NOT. The difference is MOTIVE/ PURPOSE/ GOAL. Fasting DOESN'T VILIFY EATING OR FOOD. Restriction DOES.

2) Exercise is a DAILY NEED, but it must be done TO GET STRONGER, NOT to BURN YOUR STRENGTH AWAY! And it MUST be PRUDENTLY LIMITED; NO 3-HOUR SESSIONS BOY

3) LOOK IN THE MIRROR. What message is that giving? What FEELINGS do you fear? What INSIDE you is being SHOWN on the surface, OR HIDDEN/ SUPPRESSED? What sort of SYMBOL do you see yourself as, bodily?

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"THE KNOWING-DOING GAP" handout = THIS IS A GAMECHANGER. PUT IT INTO ACTUAL PRACTICE NOW.

"Conquer resistance for good"
PUN INTENDED.

"Understanding the fabric of resistance is the only way we can unstitch it."
Fabric = THREADS WOVEN together over time!

"There are many reasons we self-sabotage, and most of them have something to do with comfort."
?!?!?! WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS AND WRITE IT OUT

"Modern society is designed to convince us that a "good" life" is one that is most comfortable... being pain-free and secure."
NOT SO THE CROSS! (PARADOX) TRANSMUTES pain & SANCTIFIES us through the Cross; SECURE IN GOD'S WILL
"Restless/ uncomfortable UNTIL we rest IN HIM" (true comfort = "MY peace I give you") (TRUST = CHILDLIKE)
"NO PAIN NO GAIN" (SAINT PAUL)
LOVE IS SACRIFICE/ GIFT (DEATH to SELFISHNESS)

"...Human beings are hardwired to seek comfort, which translates to us as survival..."
We're NOT meant for THIS fallen world = our SOULS need to survive!!

"...focus on the discomfort you will face if you don't do the thing in front of you, as opposed to the discomfort you will face if you do."
FACING DISCOMFORT = GROWING PAINS!
✳ WHERE are you ANCHORING your comfort? In the FLESH or SPIRIT?

"...a manic state of indecision (do I, don't I? what feeling do I let guide me?) You have to take control for yourself..."
THIS IS MY BIG PROBLEM. I NEED to learn REAL CONTROL = a VIRTUOUS WILL! I MUST CONTROL MY FEELINGS by ORIENTING THEM TO GOD'S WILL! And you must DO this PRACTICALLY, with HOLY REASON, NOT "INTUITION" VOICES!!

"How many hours have you wasted?"
Seriously MAN UP & DO THE MATH. Keep a journal & calculate. SEEING the numbers WILL FIRE YOU TO TAKE ACTION.

✳ What DO I want to accomplish IN my life and WITH my life?
✳ What DOES make me genuinely happy? What gives me JOY?
✳ What RELATIONSHIPS do I HAVE or COULD HAVE that I'm NEGLECTING or TAKING FOR GRANTED? What SMALL but REAL & GENUINE steps can I take NOW to FOSTER and/or HEAL them?
✳ SCHEDULE IN CREATIVE FREE TIME DAILY, AND DO ANYTHING = PRACTICE & EXPERIMENT & LEARN & PLAY & USE YOUR TALENTS!!!

"If you had to live today-- or any average day-- on repeat for the rest of your life, where would you end up?"
✳ DO THIS. ANALYZE & LIST, VS. THE IDEAL TO WORK TOWARDS NOW!! (SAINTHOOD)

"It’s uncomfortable to work, to stretch the capacity of your tolerance, to be vulnerable with someone you care deeply about, but it is never more comfortable than going your whole life without the things you really want."
1) WHAT about work is uncomfortable to you? What ISN'T?
2) How can you BEGIN stretching your tolerance to GET comfortable with current challenges? Can you SIT WITH IT and learn TRUST? (GOD IS WITH YOU on EVERY CROSS after all)
3) WHAT dos vulnerability LOOK like FOR YOU? with SPECIFIC people? WHY are you AFRAID to risk being WOUNDED by LOVE? WHY AREN'T YOU MORE WILLING TO LOVE = SUFFER? (DIE TO SELF = LIVE FOR OTHERS = DIVINE LIFE) (COMMUNITY/ COMMUNION; LAW OF GIFT)
4) TRUE "FUN" IS NOT EVIL, IT'S SACRED = "PLAY" = REJOICE IN BEING = IN GOD! TRUE "WORK" SERVES THIS END?? (JOY)
✳ CREATIVITY = SHARE IN GOD'S WORK (ONGOING!!) (PRIESTLY PEOPLE)

"Most things aren’t as hard or as trying as we chalk them up to be. They’re ultimately fun and rewarding and
expressions of who we really are.That’s why we want them."
"GOD PUT THAT DESIRE IN YOU" for HIS GLORY! (SACRED "EROS" TRUE PURPOSE!!)GOD IS LIFE! NOT STAGNANCY!! (ACT ON YOUR POTENTIAL!!)

"...thank whatever force within you that knows there’s something bigger for you—the one that’s pushing you to be comfortable with less."
"Blessed are the POOR IN SPIRIT" = God's KINGDOM is the "BIGGEST" = I am CREATED FOR IT (HOME)

✳ SMALL ACTS WE CAN DO NOW = we must FIRST clarify our GOAL!!
What DO I REALLY want, at heart? WHY? What is the deepest desire? HOW can I SINCERELY & CONCRETELY pursue THAT core, TODAY?

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"the guest house" by Rumi; handed out this morning=

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

(THIS IS SO RELEVANT TO THE SYSTEM)
(Give those visitors GOOD FOOD)
(treating them well TRANSFORMS them at heart)

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“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(Rainer Maria Rilke)


(STORY OF OUR LIFE)
(the questions ARE nousfoni, often)
(the locked rooms are also very literal for us, as are the BOOKS = archives!!)

 
(from various groups)

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"BENEATH THE MASK"

What labels have others wrapped you up in?

+ RELIABLE
+ CHATTERBOX
+ UNIQUE & INTERESTING
+ SMART, WISE, GOOD, STRONG
+ CALM, COLLECTED, CONTROLLED, SERENE, PROPER
+ CONFIDENT & OUTGOING
+ BRAVE, UNAFRAID, BOLD
+ INTELLIGENT & EDUCATED
+ THE "CARETAKER/ NURSE"
+ THE THERAPIST & COUNSELOR
+ INSIGHTFUL & INSPIRING
+ ENTERTAINING, FUNNY, SUNNY


What is the truth beneath all those labels?

+ KINDA WEAK
+ BOOK-STUPID, STREET-DUMB
+ INDECISIVE & OBSESSIVE
+ FEELS INADEQUATE & INEPT
+ DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE TALKING AT ALL
+ FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN & MONSTER
+ FORGETFUL, CONFUSED, LOST
+ I'M PROBABLY GUESSING
+ "AM I LOVABLE YET?"
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA HELL
+ MOST THINGS ARE FRIGHTENING
+ BIG-TIME RAGE PROBLEM
+ TRAUMATIZED
+ PLURAL
+ CRYBABY
+ TOO MUCH SUPPRESSED PAIN

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FORK IN THE ROAD

+ Always ask, "WHY am I doing this?" "WHY do I want this?"

Fears of giving up illness / reasons to maintain eating disorder:

Restriction & Binging= "coping" with trauma flashbacks (PHYSICAL) (FEAR of feeling body)
R&B = stay thin/ safe/ "not bad/ abusive"
R = Simple life; "don't have to think" about food/ fear
R = Feeling "morally pure"/ no contamination
B = "Exit door" for body panic/ sickness/ fear of poisoning/ "sinful eating"

Barriers to engagement in treatment:

+ Isolated environment
+ Trauma struggles
+ Moral misconceptions about food
+ Limited budget/ transportation/ storage/ resources
+ No place to eat in apartment!
+ Compulsive thoughts tied to "survival"?
+ Minimal support system

Wishes for the future / reasons to change illness:

+ No more OBSESSING over eating (I HOPE)
+ Want to be part of community
+ Heal relationship with family
+ No more having to confess chronic sin!!!
+ FREE TIME/ SAVE MONEY
+ NO MORE HYPOCRISY/ HIDING

SMART goal:

+ Make a place to eat in apartment!
+ Use SMO time & REDIRECT MIND through Klonoa, books, or TV?
+ Make a budget/ store stock list
+ Reorganize kitchen storage
+ JOURNAL THROUGH TRAUMA
+ GET A THERAPIST!
+ Practice eating with family ≥2x weekly
+ Go outside more, even just to sit (start w/ 1 hour a day?)

★ DEVELOP BODY AWARENESS: sensations, posture, body language, facial expressions

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IDENTIFYING YOUR E.D. MINDSET

When your E.D. mindset is actively "in place"...
What attitudes & thoughts about controlling your eating, shape, & weight do you have?

I'm scared of how sick I feel after eating certain foods, and I'm disturbed by feeling "full" or "bloated," so I'd rather not eat at all. "Food is poison"; "Food is dangerous and will hurt me"; "to feel healthy I must NOT eat"; "I must eat as little as possible or I'm a gluttonous animal." "Fasting/starving is "HOLY" and spiritually beneficial." "I shouldn't want to eat; if I do, I'm a slut." "A fat body for me is proof of indolence, indulgence, and SIN. Good bodies are thin." "If I'm heavy, I'm earthly, and I DON'T want to be"; "The smaller & lighter I am, the more free & pure I will be"; etc.

How do you feel in relation to controlling your eating, shape, & weight?

+ It feels UNCONTROLLABLE and I DON'T want to "fight with it" so I'd rather just NEGLECT IT ENTIRELY, and LET IT DIE OFF.
+ I get VIOLENTLY ANGRY at the thought of being "forced to eat" BUT I also want to cry when I'm "not allowed to eat"?? NO CHOICE!!
+ I feel like controlling my shape is "life or death." If I get fat, I become TRAPPED in the body, like a rape victim, with no escape.
+ If I DON'T mortify myself and instead give in to eating, I feel like a SLAVE OF SIN and end up bingeing AND purging (give in/ resist).
+ Seeing the scale go up feels like a Geiger counter; the body is swallowing me. If I can PUSH IT DOWN, I am the master; it cannot take over & kill me??

What do you do? How do you behave?

I restrict until I can't function-- usually thanks to blood sugar pitfalls & pulmonary suppression-- and by then I'm SO STARVED I end up bingeing, whether I want to or not. My body just WANTS FOOD and feels SO RELIEVED when it gets some, that it hits like a high. I keep eating until it gets miserable & scary & painful, forcing myself literally to eat more, then I purge-- and THAT'S a BIGGER "high," because it's "SAYING NO" TO THE ABUSIVE EATING & REJECTING THE TRAUMA. I go from being sick, shaky, nauseous, bloated, & dizzy to SUDDENLY being clean, calm, stable, & THIN. But then the body freaks out from dehydration AND hunger, and the whole bloody cycle can just RESTART.

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EMOTIONAL INVALIDATION

An invalidation social environment doesn't seem to understand your emotions & does nothing to help you.
They may be afraid that if they validate your emotions, you will get MORE emotional, not less.

+ When your EMOTIONS are INVALIDATED, you begin to LOOK FOR OUTSIDE CUES on "HOW TO ACTUALLY BEHAVE," and INVALIDATE YOURSELF instinctively? You DON'T TRUST YOUR EMOTIONS ANYMORE.
+ "Don't be such a baby"; "quit your whining"; "quit being such a chicken and just solve the problem"; "normal people don't get this frustrated/ upset"; = THESE EXAMPLES ARE ALL THINGS "WE" ACTUALLY SAY TO OURSELF.
+ I wonder that WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO VALIDATE OUR EMOTIONS EITHER?? Because we've internalized the INvalidation SO HARD. It would cause DISSONANT AMBIVALENCE, and a sort of existential confusion!!
+ We NEED to talk about this AND FIND NOUSFONI WHO CAN VALIDATE-- LIKE LYNNE USED TO???
+ I think a LOT of our internal invalidation instinct IS afraid of emotional meltdown?? Because we feel SO LOST & HELPLESS against that SHEER INTENSITY. So we "shut it down." BUT REMEMBER PERFECT CHAOS. INVALIDATION/ SHUTDOWN IS NEVER THE ANSWER!!!

Your environment may reinforce out-of-control emotions & actions. If others give in when you get out of control, it will be hard for you to get IN control. If others command you to change, but don't coach you on HOW to do this, it will be hard to keep on trying to change.

+ "I will ONLY get help/ respect IF MY EMOTIONS ARE EXTREME"; ONLY TIME YOU GET ATTENDED TO (even only negatively!!!)
+ "NEVER GOOD ENOUGH" when you DO struggle to change? "IT SHOULD BE EASY?" panic; "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

+ I'm starting to suspect that WE ARE A LOT MORE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE THAN WE LET OURSELF ADMIT? We've just gotten SO USED TO SHUTTING IT ALL DOWN due to TRAUMA and toxic/ invalidating environments, that we've forgotten.

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EMOTIONAL REGULATION

+ WHAT IS THE ACTUAL DEFINITION OF "WELL-BEING"?? DO WE GET TO DEFINE THAT PERSONALLY??

ASK: Does this emotion fit the facts?

+ THERE'S A REASON WHY "FACT CHECKING" KEEPS GETTING PUSHED INTO YELLOW-- MOST OF OUR EMOTIONAL TURMOIL IS FEAR. THAT'S TRAUMA CONSEQUENCE. But it ALSO makes it VERY TRICKY TO CHECK "FACTS" because of hypervigilance?? It does NOT like "discounting POSSIBILITY." So the Yellows are handling the fear and NEEDING fact-checking TO KNOW WHAT TO ACTUALLY DO?? Which means we need some OBSERVANT & RATIONAL folks to HELP OUT, WITHOUT INVALIDATING THE FEAR!!

+WHETHER OR NOT AN EMOTION "FITS THE FACTS," IF IT IS EFFECTIVE, PRACTICE MINDFULNESS OF IT???
+ IF IT'S FACTUAL BUT INEFFECTIVE, YOU STILL SHOULDN'T ACT ON IT!!

+ The opposite action of FEAR is to approach-- UNLESS your health/safety IS in actual danger!
+ The opposite action of SADNESS is to get active-- BUT do respect loss/ take time to grieve; just don't STAY there. Christ gives us hope!!

+ SHAME IS HEALTHY WHEN JUSTIFIED!!!
+ The "action urge" to "hide/avoid" doesn't help; it only serves to PERPETUATE shameful behavior BY keeping it in the dark!! BE CAREFUL; DO NOT simply "seek approval" BUT aim for CHARITABLE ACCEPTANCE in a HEALTHY, UNDERSTANDING ENVIRONMENT.
+ The "opposite action" of SHAME is to tell the "secret" to people who will accept it-- UNLESS such people are UNHEALTHY/ amoral!!! Some people actually REJECT SHAME as a concept altogether-- they can/will "approve" ANYTHING, no matter how much that can rot a community's integrity. SEEK TO "BELONG" ONLY TO COMMUNITIES WITH INTEGRITY, HONOR, & COMPASSION! You CAN trust them to not only NOT condemn OR reject you, BUT STILL gently yet firmly correct/ redirect you if your behavior IS shameful!! THE KEY GOAL IS NOT TO "INVALIDATE" OR DENY SHAME, BUT TO BE ABLE TO DISCERN IN TRUTH WHETHER OR NOT IT IS JUSTIFIED!!! (i.e. violating integrity)

+ An example today of "repeating acting opposite to action urges" = I was afraid to eat the mandatory banana because of explicit trauma/ abuser associations. Fear is, at its core, UNJUSTIFIED in the NOW because 1) eating it CANNOT transform me INTO that abuser through "imitation," & 2) abusive association is NOT universal NOR definitive; the banana IS just a fruit!! BUT eating it WHILE thinking of trauma & being scared/ disgusted WILL NOT HELP my healing. To act "all the way" I MUST focus on the FACTS that validate the opposite action (approach) & its goal (effective action)!!!

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BODY IMAGE QUALITY OF LIFE TEST

"How does my body image affect different aspects of my life?"

+ Feelings of personal adequacy & self-worth are currently ONLY "possible" if I'm thin???
+ When I meet new people, I am hyperaware of "wrong impression/ assumptions" = WRONG "SELF"
+ LOTS of body image obsession/ judgment in family
+ Powerful affect on my day-to-day emotions; impacts my very sense of self & personality
+ Unsatisfied with life; I feel "trapped" by negative labels/ fate assigned to body image
+ I feel COMPELLED to hyperrestrict
+ I "CAN" control my weight, but ONLY to reduce it, by dramatic harmful means
+ Compulsive overexercising to the point of actual injury
+ Avoid all risk of attention to body; I want to be "dis-embodied"
+ Will NEGLECT daily grooming, unwilling to see own body
+ No confidence in everyday life; body feels "loose/ broken/ unstable/ flabby"; so too my life
+ Constantly miserable. Feel trapped, helpless, doomed, damned

THE APPEARANCE IMPORTANCE TEST

+ "When I see good-looking people, I..." = am honestly too fixated on their beauty to even think of myself, period
+ "When something/ someone makes me feel bad about my looks, I..." = Feel it as an attack on my self? "Body is an EMANATION of soul" terror; "if this BODY is ugly, then SO AM "I" = "secretly betraying the ugliness of my inner self"
+ "If I like how I look today, it's easier to feel happy" = If the body I'm IN is "good," then I CAN do/ experience "good" WHILE in it
+ "If I dislike how I look today, it's hard to feel happy" = If the body is "WRONG," I'm doomed to experience that wrongness while in it
+ "I wonder how strangers think about my looks" = I'm too scared about speech & dissociating (fear of abuse potential)
+ "Every day, lots of things make me think about what I look like" = rather, what I FEEL like. Tangible reminders. I actually FORGET how others see "me," typically.
+ I have no identification with my reflection in general
+ By controlling my appearance, I seek SOCIAL EXCLUSION? Undesirable = SAFE; GOOD
+ "I feel my appearance is responsible for most of what's happened to me in life" = all sexual abuse is tied to it in one way or another. "ugly/ gross" made me subhuman.
+ I compulsively compare my appearance to others? Not even thought out. Based on personal view of beauty, EVEN when inapplicable to "me"!
+ My physical FEELING has a big influence on my life, moreso even than basic "appearance"? It distorts my ENTIRE "sense of self;" I can't "be me" if the body looks/ feels WRONG/ FOREIGN

THE BODY IMAGE COPING TEST

+ Face/ hair = IDENTITY cues. If something is "off," I'm not sure who I "am."
+ Abdominal area/ feminine characteristics MUST be hidden/ denied
+ I don't like looking in the mirror at all
+ I often think, "what WOULD look like ME?" Mostly hair/ color/ aesthetic/ MUSCLE. Also ALWAYS "THIN."
+ I've NEVER identified with this body, arguably not even as a child, and constantly drew/ thought of myself as looking dramatically different. How often I'd even imagine myself as a monster!!
+ "Reassurance" from others about my looks is not relevant; they cannot see the real me/ physical "compliments" WORSEN the problem
+ I compare myself to "physically attractive" people only in terms of fitness? I DON'T want to be "attractive"; that is TRAUMATIC!!


COPING REACTIONS

+ I tune out my thoughts & feelings; they are judged as overwhelming/ unacceptable; ashamed to hear/ feel them
+ I eat things as a total sensory distraction/ childhood "reward/ mollify" tactic
+ I ALWAYS avoid mirrors; they cause existential dread
+ I tell myself I am "helpless to do anything" about the situation, ESPECIALLY with my weight gain, & people making noise. Causes me to despair/ give in
+ I withdraw from others entirely; I cannot even attempt to "be a person" & interact (forcibly) when so distressed/ shaken
+ I ALWAYS try to cope/ deal with the situation, even if it's a desperate or feeble effort
+ I try to ignore the situation & my feelings out of guilt/ shame for my responses; "unacceptable/ evil"; "only option" is rejection of them
+ I react by overeating AND PURGING. Sensory "override"; total involvement/ escape. Purge= GET POISON OUT/ EXPEL INVADER
+ I DON'T consciously do something that might make me feel good about myself as a person = SERVICE/ CHARITY is best. Do something kind; don't think about yourself! GIVE! Remember: TRUE GOODNESS IS NOT BASED ON OR AFFECTED BY BODY SHAPE!!!
+ I DON'T remind myself of my good qualities; they don't even occur to me; to "admit" any feels sinful. Is it? If not, please, make a God-honoring list.
+ I tell myself that I'm being irrational about my looks. "All flesh is grass." "Think of the flowers." Ultimately any TRUE fear is that my SOUL is ugly! FOCUS ON GOOD WORKS/ PRAYER!
+ I actually DO remind myself that the situation will pass, thanks to God! Stay "eternity-minded!"
+ I ALWAYS try to figure out why I am challenged or threatened by the situation. Make a habit of PAUSING to reflect on this, and JOURNAL IT OUT ASAP. No hiding! 
+ I tell myself that I am probably overreacting to the situation. My looks/ feelings aren't what God is gonna ask me about when I die!! Remember the big picture!
+ I DON'T consider that I will likely feel better after a while. I should, and do try to. But in the moment, especially in a crisis, I can't even conceptualize "feeling better." Not on my own.
+ I tell myself that there are more important things than what I look like. MY SOUL'S BEAUTY IS TOP PRIORITY; SOLI DEO GLORIA! HE is the TRUE foundation of my identity!!
+ I DON'T tell myself that I "probably look better than I think." That just fuels MORE pride & puffed-up feelings. "Looking good" should never be a concern.
+ As for being especially patient with myself... LEARN & GROW; NO BEATDOWNS!!! Lord help me with this. I AM learning; HUMILITY is essential. Remember: WEAKNESS IN ME allows GOD'S POWER to work in truth!
+ I DON'T tell myself it's "not that important" of a situation. That kind of talk can be ABUSIVE! Even in "small" matters, the WAY I respond to the situation IS important! Make sure it's healthy!!

★ A sudden, important thought:

We haven't had a REAL "self-image" since 2003.
We literally couldn't draw ourselves ALL through high school, UNTIL ~2009, when we CUT OUR HAIR and specifically identified as neutrois. Even then it was smothered by dysphoria.
The coreshift "made us male" for ~8 years BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THE EATING DISORDER.

Nevertheless, the point is:

We ALSO DON'T SEE OUR "INNER SELF" AS ANOREXIC.
We DON'T "identify" with that kind of bony, "willowy" & "waifish" figure, AT ALL. It even disgusts some of us.
So WHY are we doing that TO THE BODY??

Honestly this "thicker" base MIGHT WORK, if we look at it as SOLIDNESS, NOT "FAT."
We've always admired strong, muscular forms, EVEN if they're "bigger than us."
We ARE "scared of being BIG," but there IS a middle ground we keep forgetting.
Maybe we CAN work with this.

★ TRY "drawing us." See WHAT ACTUALLY "CLICKS," even only a little.

★ Look up and FIND "role models" / "IDEAL" body shapes OF OUR "IDEAL WEIGHT" SHAPE.
(MEWTWO FITS THIS. I'M SERIOUS.)
(DON'T FORGET JASPER & BISMUTH!)

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WHAT IS LOST

Nothing of true value is ever truly lost. Remember that.
But OH BOY did I EVER lose a lot of money. The binges could not admit or acknowledge how much CASH was being vomited up every day-- an average of $20, which is a MINIMUM OF $600 PER MONTH! That's my ENTIRE POST-RENT SSI CHECK.

I lost so much time. I lost so much peace. I lost all my freedom, considering how ADDICTED I was.
I spent HOURS on EACH "step" EVERY DAY-- hours obsessing over "what to buy," hours spent shopping & "running away" from myself, hours spent preparing & cleaning, hours spent eating it all, hours spent throwing it up, hours spent trying to "reset" afterwards. Every minute of my day was devoured by it. I couldn't stop the obsessive, intrusive, anxious & desperate ruminations.
I lost so much sleep. I lost almost all hope.

My family lost all patience with me. They lost all their trust in me.
I was forbidden from even taking a can of peas for myself. I was excluded from family meals. I became "identified" with both food and the disordered abuse of it. My family treated me as if the disorder was intrinsic, inevitable, incurable.

I lost all respect for myself. I, too, began to see myself as terminally ill, damned to die like that.
I felt "unworthy" to do, like, choose, want, or experience ANYTHING "good," "pure," or "enjoyable." I saw myself as filth incarnate, disgusting & subhuman, doomed to destroy everything that I touched.
I lost all interest in life. I rejected & abandoned all "interests," hollowing myself out even more. The very thought of tainting those once-beloved things with my diseased presence was unbearable. I gave up & gave in to the sickness.

I lost all my "friendships" and ironically that was the one thing I WANTED to happen.
The eating disorder made me so intolerable, so unhealthy, so miserable, that no one wanted to be around me.
I isolated & hid food & stole money & ate everything in the apartment. I became a curse.
Eventually they no longer saw me as "desirable" and I COULD ESCAPE.
But I stayed trapped in the disorder, terrified of future threats, and burying myself in food, condemning myself to a "living death" as long as I felt incapable of facing the reality of my life.

I ALMOST lost my life, literally.
But I DID lose what made life worth living.

Still. Just because I lost it doesn't mean it was gone, just missing. Just misplaced. Just forgotten.
Recovery is about resurrection.
There IS Life, even after such a death. Keep going.


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PROS & CONS

List the negative consequences of the eating disorder.

+ OBSESSIVE/ COMPULSIVE
+ MISERABLE from the whole damn cycle
+ No money, always "trying to get/ earn more"
+ No time to type or do Leaguework or Spotify
+ Up until 3AM sometimes; no good dreams
+ Blood sugar hell, constant diarrhea, always tired?
+ MORAL DESPAIR/ MORTALITY PANIC
+ Always felt filthy, guilty, ashamed, out of control
+ Constantly re-traumatizing

List the positive aspects of the eating disorder.

+ Religious hyperfocus; NO "secular" shame
+ Body "stays" empty/ "clean"/ PURE
+ Feel light, unburdened, untouched
+ Disconnect from past/ body? partly?
+ Routine, ritual, orderly, structured, timed?
+ Totally distract from anxiety & panic
+ Total, "safe" sensory absorption; controllable
+ DISSOCIATIVE ANCHOR for mental refuge
+ Hours of "hand work" = chopping, picking, etc.

List the personal benefits that you expect if you change.

+ Re-accepted by family; able to BE with them again
+ Time to do CREATIVE THINGS! And LEARN MORE!!
+ No longer ashamed to EXIST; able to accept LOVE
+ Reconnect to System life as a WHOLE, and LIVE IT!!
+ Proper management of time & finances
+ No longer slave to compulsions/ obsessions/ rituals
+ Body stronger, able to help others and do HARD WORK!
+ Able to SLEEP & DREAM!! Proper bed/ wake times too!
+ No longer terrified of food & eating?? Food is "just fuel" now
+ I can FINALLY READ ALL MY BOOKS!
+ Use HEALTHY, EFFECTIVE coping skills for trauma/ stress
+ No more unending moral panic/ compulsive sins/ GUILT
+ Freedom. Day no longer "revolves around" binge/ purge cycle.

List the personal costs that you expect if you change.

★ NEW obsession with "eating PROPERLY/ NO MISTAKES"!!!
+ HAVE to face trauma symptoms; NO NUMBING
+ Need a new way to occupy my chop-happy hands
+ TOTALLY NEW LIFE; can feel overwhelming & lost?
+ Can't hide from the world/ avoid social interaction
+ HAVE TO EAT REGULARLY, even in evening/ on road
+ The body WILL get bigger & less sharp; will be heavier
★ NO MORE "EXIT DOOR" FOR DUMB DECISIONS, DISCOMFORT, STRESS, OR ANXIOUS PANIC; SO NO FOOD MISTAKES ALLOWED!!!
+ Face "purposeless" terror of daily life
+ "TOO MUCH STUFF"; no more emptiness?
+ Need to invent NEW routine/ schedule/ order
+ GENDER DYSPHORIA DOOM

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DIALOGUE WITH "ED"

What does your eating disorder look like to you?



What does the image of your eating disorder say about yourself?

+ If you make a mistake while eating-- if you do something wrong-- YOU become wrong & poisoned and you MUST GET IT OUT!!!
+ You are a greedy, ugly, sloppy, gluttonous PIG and you DESERVE to choke to death on your vomit/ starve to death. God is disgusted by you.
+ Food is sex. If you eat you are a slut and a whore. If you enjoy it you deserve to die. I will rip out your stomach if you even try to eat.

Write what "ED" might say to you now, and how you would respond.

ED:
This body HAS TO BE LIGHT & BONY. We need to have SHARP EDGES and NO UGLY ROUND SHAPES. A big heavy body is a PRISON. A "curvy" body is GROSS & EVIL & INTRINSICALLY PROMISCUOUS.
YOU:
A "big body" can also be a TANK or FORTRESS to FIGHT EVIL. "Curves" are NOT doomed to sexuality. THAT'S THE MEDIA'S LIE.

ED:
"We can't eat that food/ flavor; it's POISON/ EVIL/ BAD!!!" (especially "Sugar WILL KILL US")
YOU:
Food is intrinsically INNOCENT. It LITERALLY CANNOT "BE EVIL." Flavors aren't poison. Carbs & sugar aren't poison! They are NUTRIENTS your body USES. BUT YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT OLD/ SPOILED/ CONTAMINATED FOOD!!

ED:
"We must LIMIT our diet options to stay simple/ avoid overwhelm" (i.e. sticking to like... three foods)
YOU:
We STILL NEED NUTRITIONAL VARIATION TO BE HEALTHY! Yes, it's good to not go overboard with novelty; that IS foolish. BUT SO IS REFUSING TO TRY NEW THINGS.

ED:
"There are TOO MANY CHOICES and I can see a threat potential in ALL OF THEM. So I MUST either AVOID THEM ALL, OR EAT THEM ALL TO CHALLENGE THE FEAR."
YOU:
ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING IS DISTORTED! WHAT THREAT do you see? Pause & THINK IT THROUGH; it's probably NOT a REAL threat! STOP CHALLENGING FEARS BY FORCING. It will ONLY make unresolved/ unidentified fears WORSE, and IS WHY WE HAD SO MANY BINGES!!


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LONGER-TERM RECOVERY GOALS

One year from now...

+ To be able to freely & fearlessly share a meal with my family, AS-IS
+ To be a "regular" at a nice local restaurant
+ To have remodeled my apartment to feel safe & reflect my unique personality
+ To be able to play through the WHOLE first Suzuki cello book
+ To have FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE MORALIMON SPECIE/ TYPECODE SYSTEM
+ To be able to say, "I'm ONE YEAR CLEAR!!" ♥

Five years from now...

+ To have published at least two albums, even just online
+ To have published at least one book, WITH a barcode!
+ To have a website, even a little one
+ To have FRIENDS that ACTUALLY VIBE with my interests & religious beliefs
+ To be in a LEGIT orchestra AND choir, ideally
+ To have an established online creative presence & portfolio

Ten years from now...

+ To be ACTIVELY working in a creative "career"?
+ To get a song on the radio, or professionally recognized
+ To VISIT GIMMELWALD
+ To have at least one Leagueworld LEGIT PUBLISHED
+ To freakin' MARRY CHAOS 0 ALREADY, COME ON SONICTEAM
+ To be truly, totally grateful for life, the universe, & everything. ♥ Happy 42 kiddo!!

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THOUGHT/ EMOTION/ PHYSICAL SENSATION RECORD

Record T/E/Ps that bother you, then notice & record how you typically react to those T/E/Ps.

+ "I'm scared to eat sugar" = Avoid sugar if possible, even to extremes
+ Post-meal nausea = Dissociate, distract/ USED to immediately purge/ take meds
+ "What do I do/ What should I do" panic = List pros & cons; consider goals & motives; consult System
+ Environmental triggers = Try to escape or force change; if cannot, self-abuse or give in to E.D.; MELTDOWN, DISSOCIATE
+ Shame over "filthiness" = Try to clean self desperately; self-abuse if cannot; dissociate/ hide
+ "I have so much WRONG with me" = Dissociate entirely/ lose self-awareness OR self-abuse
+ "This food reminds me of trauma" = Try to avoid eating it; otherwise "force it" & dissociate HARD
+ Anxious "wanting to vomit" from nerves = Throw up; if impossible, restrict/ dissociate/ self-abuse
+ Despair over faults & sins = Hysterical crying/ moral panic; desperate prayer; may shut down entirely
+ Guilt/ shame over "cowardice" = Self-abuse; desperately try to change choice; force challenges
+ Physical trauma flashback = GET UPSTAIRS HELP OR YOU'LL WANT TO DIE!!

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EATING DISORDER RULES VS. RECOVERY RULES

E.D.:
"You cannot eat certain foods because they are evil!" OR "because they will poison you!!"
REC:
MARK 7:18-23!!

E.D.:
(SINCE I'm SCARED of everything,) "I MUST TRY EVERYTHING and I MUST LIKE IT"
REC:
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO NOT DO THINGS!! You DON'T have to FORCE yourself to "EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING" in a twisted attempt to "please everyone" and NOT SAY NO!!

E.D.:
"If your body is big/ heavy, you will become CARNAL, animalistic and ABUSIVE"
REC:
G.K. CHESTERTON & SANTA CLAUS. Big bodies can be VERY VIRTUOUS!! It's about the SOUL, not the flesh! If your soul is beautiful, SO IS ANY BODY IT'S IN!

E.D.:
"YOU CANNOT HAVE SUGAR or it will give you diabetes and/or KILL YOU"
REC:
Sugar is a NUTRIENT that the body NEEDS! Eat it temperately, but DO eat it! Treated as MEDICINE, it CANNOT "kill you"!!

E.D.:
"I MUST ALWAYS choose the SCARIEST/ MOST DIFFICULT option; eating CAN'T BE EASY"??
REC:
This makes eating ABUSE, NOT NUTRITIVE!!! You ARE ALLOWED to LIKE foods AND to choose THEM regularly! Eating SHOULD be easy; it's not about "risk-taking"!

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RITUALS

List the ritualistic behavior associated with your eating disorder. Then create a plan for how to cope with these behaviors.

BEHAVIOR: Buying/ preparing food in specific numerical amounts; "pre-dividing" foods
COPING PLAN: buy & prepare according to EXCHANGES. That's a PROPER number to adhere to! DO NOT worry about "pairs" or "triads" or "parallel" amounts! DON'T freak out over "inexact" portions, esp. in storage! Learn to love numbers INDIVIDUALLY, not just "in a structure"?

BEHAVIOR: Forcing myself to eat foods my loved ones eat, over & over obsessively
COPING PLAN: Honor your loved ones in OTHER ways!! Art, music, journaling, prayer, etc. THEY ARE MORE THAN "FOOD," TOO!! Write about memories! Learn to accept that you CAN be different from them WITHOUT '"rejecting" them. Be UNIQUE, to allow THEM to think of YOU uniquely, too!!

BEHAVIOR: Having to take a fixed amount of time to eat, or a fixed number of bites/ pieces
COPING PLAN: Practice "altering" numerical goals-- try to "leave space" or "do less"? EAT WITHOUT LOOKING AT A CLOCK and see what your NATURAL timing is.

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive prep?? Wanting to just peel & CHOP UP tons of stuff, NOT even to eat
COPING PLAN: Figure out ways to "imitate" CHOPPING/ PEELING in NON-FOOD ways!! Determine WHAT about those actions is so "stimming"/ comforting! Volunteer at a food kitchen? Make food for OTHER FOLKS!! Find a CREATIVE HOBBY that involves similar precision/ clean force?

BEHAVIOR: Buying foods based on concepts, not on whether or not I even want to/ should eat it ("HAVE TO" motive)
COPING PLAN: IDENTIFY & LIST CONCEPTS. Find OTHER ways to meet them IF NEEDED-- first determine if that is a CHALLENGE/ COMPULSION!! Ask, "WHY do I "HAVE to" eat this??" It typically relates to #2! Remember: FOOD IS NOT "TRANSFORMATIVE." It CANNOT make/ unmake you!!

BEHAVIOR: NO "LEFTOVERS" ALLOWED; even in storage!! Next day MUST be a CLEAN "RESET"
COPING PLAN: Get comfortable with "UNFINISHED/ INCOMPLETE/ UNRESOLVED" things. Practice PATIENCE & HOPE? Remember, THE FUTURE EXISTS!! Challenge yourself to ONLY shop ONCE WEEKLY. LABEL leftovers with weekdays! BROADEN YOUR TEMPORAL PERSPECTIVE. NO "last supper syndrome"!!

BEHAVIOR: Compulsive eating of ALL broken/ deformed/ "incorrect"/ pieces of applicable foods
COPING PLAN: Let those pieces be. DON'T try to "precisely" portion out the bits! DON'T "PROJECT" REJECTION FEAR/ PITY ONTO FOOD; DON'T IMPOSE RIGID "PERFECTION" EITHER. Broken/ odd pieces DON'T "ruin the integrity" of the whole. Stop insisting on "flawless" aesthetics! Remember Japanese wabi-sabi art!!

BEHAVIOR: Eating ingredients ONE at a time, methodically, in small bites; chewing SUPER slowly
COPING PLAN: Practice taking bites of COMBINED ingredients, even just ONE, WITHOUT FREAKING OUT over "destroying/ interrupting the harmony" of pieces. Learn to value COMBOS AS ART; they're NOT "messes to be cleaned up & organized"!! Practice slowly decreasing chew time without feeling "rushed"; work up to a good pace.

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CHALLENGES TO HOSPITAL "SELF-SELECT" EATING

Identify any difficulties you may encounter in this process and make a coping plan.

CHALLENGE: Several "challenging" options; "must do ALL"
COPING PLAN: Choose the "rarest" appearance or "newest." LIST OTHERS & PLAN?

CHALLENGE: Talking during the meal
COPING PLAN: Clip your responses; DON'T PERFORM OR ENTERTAIN. Give DATA. Anchor INSIDE.

CHALLENGE: Limited/ cut time to eat
COPING PLAN: DON'T FORCE OR BINGE!! Chew thoroughly to prevent trauma response but don't drag; pace well!

CHALLENGE: Only available food options are "boorish" or "childlike"
COPING PLAN: DROP THE LABELS! Think in terms of NUTRIENTS! THAT'S the REAL goal!

CHALLENGE: Constant dissociation/ anxious distractions
COPING PLAN: TALK TO THE SYSTEM? Practice sensory grounding exercises!

★ OPTIONS ARE HIGHLY LIMITED; I'm "forced" to pick predictable options frequently as there's little else available. MY ALLERGIES ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS-- most "dessert" options (mandatory) HAVE NUTS! I also CAN'T SAFELY pick bakery items for that reason; many have obvious nuts in/on them and I suspect a common prep area, so I CAN'T risk it!
★ "FORCING" HIGHGRADE FEAR FOODS WORSENS THE ANXIETY?? Because I USUALLY DISSOCIATE, and then I "HAVE to REDO IT"?? But my MOTIVATION IS DISORDERED: "I must force myself to endure this scary thing NOW & then it'll be OVER & DONE WITH." THAT'S TRAUMA TALK!! DO NOT REINFORCE THAT!! YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EXPOSE YOURSELF TO EVERYTHING!!! It's actually HEALTHIER for you to LEARN TO SAY "NO" AT SOME POINT-- AND RESPECT IT!! Right now your "no's" are FEARFUL & HYPERPROTECTIVE; BUT YOU STILL TREAT THEM ALL AS "CHALLENGES TO OVERCOME." THAT'S SCREWED UP, KIDDO!!!

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CHALLENGES TO RESTAURANT EATING

★ THE NOISE! // People seeing and/or watching me eat // Frequent direct interruptions of meal, often to talk // Expected to participate in active conversation // Limited, generalized menu options; can "panic" over lack of clarity & "whether or not it's safe/ allowed" // Close proximity seating // DISSOCIATING from "SOCIAL MODE"
★ ORDERING: Not obsessing over variations // Choosing INTUITIVELY, not "weighing pros & cons of every option" // Not "copying" or "imitating" others as "appeasement" // NOT choosing the HARDEST, LEAST POPULAR option "to be brave"

What is your plan for managing distress or anxiety?

★ My anxiety is centered around the CHOOSING, moreso even than the eating!
Fears include: "Will this make me sick?" "Am I allergic to something in this?" "I can't pick that; it's too easy." "That option sounds unappetizing/ makes me anxious; therefore I HAVE to choose it!" "I can't pick what I ALREADY know!"
To manage this: Choose WHAT YOU CAN ONLY GET AT THAT LOCATION. Let it be a unique experience! Choose an UNFAMILIAR option, but DON'T STRESS OUT if there are SEVERAL. The nurse recommended: pick the LEAST scary one FIRST; you've gotta LEVEL UP!! And DON'T TRY SO HARD IT TURNS INTO A BINGE. This is about NUTRITION! It's NOT WAR!! Let it be a gesture of CARING! Think of yourself in 3rd person if you must. Choose with CURIOSITY? NO "LAST SUPPER SYNDROME"!! There WILL be a "next time!" 

What was your reaction to your first attempt at eating in a restaurant during this program?

+ It was MUCH WORSE than I feared, actually! The portion sizes were HUGE, and we weren't allowed to leave leftovers or divide portions!! So it HURT to eat. I literally felt like I was going to pass out. BUT I PRAYED, AND I GOT THROUGH IT BY GRACE ALONE.

★ When eating at home, REMEMBER THE FAMILY HAS DISORDERED BEHAVIORS TOO!! Be wary & mindful; use coping skills & set a GOOD EXAMPLE of recovery!