the spectrum heart cathedral system

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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✳ ONLY setting a timer to delay disordered behavior, but NOT immediately REDIRECTING our focus to AWARENESS, only lets the stress "BOIL"? We CANNOT DENY the emotions that come up during this delay/ distraction; only to ALLOW for a time "SPACE" between to LESSEN the INTENSITY!
✳ When we interrupt our behaviors, we notice feelings of FEAR, DISCOMFORT, DREAD, ANXIETY, PANIC, DESPAIR, TERROR, HELPLESSNESS

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS WE WON'T LET OURSELVES FEEL=
FAILURE, GUILT, SADNESS, OVERWHELM, POWERLESSNESS, INTIMACY, SEXUALITY, INCAPABILITY

✳ THESE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS have THREE CHAINED RESPONSES in our disturbed mind =
1. WON'T LET MYSELF FEEL IT;
2. BERATE MYSELF FOR FEELING IT;
3. REACT DESTRUCTIVELY & VIOLENTLY TO IT

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✳ LABELING VS LEGALIZING FOODS = THIS IS HUMBLING & CONCERNING & MOTIVATING, TO REALIZE THAT (AS OF 1025) I AM APPARENTLY STILL LABELING SO MANY FOODS!! THE #1 WAY TO COMBAT THIS IS TO LET MYSELF EAT THOSE FOODS REGULARLY!! DO NOT FEED RESTRICTIVE BEHAVIOR HABITS OR MINDSETS! MOST FEAR ARE ONLY ROOTED IN AVOIDANCE/ NONEXPOSURE. The more we DO try them, the more FAMILIAR/ COMFORTABLE we'll get with them, & become OPEN & ABLE to TRULY ENJOY them!
✳ We STILL have SWEEPING CATEGORIES OF FEAR FOODS (e.g. "ALL cheese, ALL meat, ALL sugar, ALL juice, ALL snack foods) and these are ANCIENT and I'M SICK OF THEM!!! WTF IS THE ROTTEN ROOT KEEPING THESE DISTORTIONS ALIVE??? (they're seen as inherently "unhealthy/ dangerous/ fattening) FIGHT THAT LIE TO THE DEATH. ROMANS 14:2 & 14:14!! HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S GOODNESS IN CREATING ALL FOOD!!!

"What judgments crept into your head as you made your list (of "liked" foods)?"
"Do I REALLY like this food?"
"Is it BAD if I DO like it?"
"Am I ALLOWED to like it?"
"What does liking this food say about my personality/ who I am? Will liking this CHANGE me into someone I'm NOT/ don't want to be?"
"If I DON'T choose this food option EVERY TIME, does that mean I DON'T actually like it/ that I'm LYING?"

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✳ PURGING is a PANIC/ SURVIVAL/ GRIEF/ "WEEPING RAGE" RESPONSE. It seeks EMPTYING-OUT; even EXPECTORATION? "Something BAD/ PAINFUL/ SCARY INSIDE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF ME, NOW!"
✳ TYPICAL TRAUMA RESPONSE. It "FEELS LIKE SCREAMING."
✳ Purging ALSO REQUIRES INTENSE MUSCLE STRAIN/ RELIEF in the ABDOMEN, which is WHERE WE HOLD BOTH "FEAR" AND "INFESTATION/ POISON" FEELINGS

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"SAFETY CRUTCHES" = "NUMB THE PAIN"; like a DRUG (HARMFUL/ ADDICTIVE)
✳ Identify PERSONAL examples; HOW to COMBAT/ CHANGE
ASK: "WHAT INTERNAL PAIN AM I AVOIDING?" (SLC/ CNC TRAUMA; GRANDPARENT DEATH GUILT)
(THE EATING DISORDER IS A SAFETY CRUTCH!!!)

✳ We talk ABOUT our fear TOO much. What DO we deny? EXHAUSTION? TRIGGERS? (THAT'S WHAT WE DID AT RENFAIRE)

SOME POSSIBLE SAFETY CRUTCHES WE HAVE=
● LOTOPHAGOI DISSOCIATION
● ALLERGY PANIC; "IF I EAT THIS IT WILL KILL ME" CONSTANT WORRY
● OBSESSIVE NUTRITION/ DIET/ MACRO/ INGREDIENT RESEARCH
● WEIGHING FOOD? (EXACT, SPECIFIC NUMBERS "OR ELSE")
● OBSESSIVE HANDWASHING; "LADY MACBETH" CURSE FEELING
● "CLEAN" EATING SPACE/ UTENSILS OR ELSE "CONTAMINATED"
● "RIGHT" CLOTHES & TOWELS; "NEED" TO WEAR CERTAIN OUTFITS
● EXACT TIMING & ORDER OF MEALS
● PROCRASTINATING GOOD THINGS? NOT JOURNALING OR LEAGUEWORKING
● LIST MAKING, ESPECIALLY WITH MATH/ CALCULATIONS
● "MEDICATION SHOTS" "JUST IN CASE" (BENADRYL, TYLENOL)
● OVERCOMMITMENT TO HELP OTHERS; "NO TIME TO THINK/ FEEL/ BE MYSELF"
● REFUSING TO BE HELPED? FEAR OF "WRONGNESS"/ THINGS BEING "RUINED"
● CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR REASSURANCE? "AM I DYING?" "DO I LOOK SICK?"
● IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, ESP. COMPULSIONS = DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT/ LIKE

✳ I REALLY HAVEN'T "FELT" MY GRIEF AT ALL YET. ANXIETY CRUTCHES INVOLVE CONTROL AND GRASPING? TRAUMA/ FEAR CRUTCHES INVOLVE ESCAPE/ ABUSE ECHOING? (ironically they ALL FEED THE PAIN & PANIC)

"Describe a recent situation where you used a safety crutch to deal with your problems."
ANXIETY = running to stores to buy binge food (normally wouldn't even go outside), making obsessive "diet math" phone lists (for HOURS), keep seeking mom's reply (passive "did I do good?")
GRIEF = flat-out AVOIDED the topic/ REFUSED to look at it/ DENIED my emotion?? (GUILT/ SHAME/ ANGER at grief? "NO RIGHT"/ "YOUR FAULT")
TRAUMA = Turning my actions/ choices into APOLOGIES/ MIMICRY/ TRIBUTES/ RELIVING OF traumatic events; "MY LIFE IS STILL ALL ABOUT/ FOR THEM"; "abandon" self-agency & identity? "TRAPPED" in past; "POWERLESS"
✳ DISASSOCIATION kicks in AUTOMATICALLY every day. You HAVE to PRACTICE MINDFULNESS to "balance" this!

"Describe what you think might have happened had you not used a safety crutch."
I would INEVITABLY have to CATCH THE TIDAL WAVE HEAD-ON. These memories & emotions both WANT & NEED to be ADMITTED, ACCEPTED, FELT, & PROCESSED, but I keep fleeing out of the fear of drowning. HOWEVER, PROGRESS COULD FINALLY BE MADE if we just SIT DOWN & TALK/ FEEL IT OUT AS A SYSTEM!!!
✳ SAFETY CRUTCHES ONLY SEEM TO KICK IN DURING "SINGLET" MINDSETS BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONSCIOUS ACCESS TO THE "SAFETY" OF FAITH/ THE SYSTEM?? (CUT OFF FROM TRUTH/ LOVE!!)

"Did you ever try to stop using one of these safety crutches? What happened?"
YES. The anxiety SPIKES, BUT I NEVER HAD COPING SKILLS BEFORE. So it didn't last. BUT! I would REALIZE that I WAS using a crutch, and often WHY! I just didn't know what ELSE to do because the ONLY REAL OPTION was to ACCEPT REALITY & WRITE ABOUT IT, BUT my environment stressors made me feel like I COULDN'T, because it'd be "OPENING PANDORA'S BOX" and it WOULD change EVERYTHING & REQUIRE that I LIVE ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY from then on. And we WANTED to, but "WEREN'T READY"?? And I think the eating disorder would've gotten WORSE? Because if we started PROCESSING the trauma FULL FORCE, we would've TOTALLY STOPPED EATING/ SLEEPING when it got bad? We NEEDED inpatient FIRST.


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RELAPSE WARNING SIGNS=
● Skipping meals or snacks ("excess"; "greedy;" "waste of time/ resources")
● Urges to restrict foods you previously enjoyed (GUILT + SHAME response; PENANCE for "LUXURY")
● Over exercising (especially WITH RESTRICTING; motive TO "lose weight" NOT "get stronger")
● Needing to be "perfect" (LOOKS AND BEHAVIOR; fear of SPIRITUAL corruption sign otherwise)
● Increased need for control (See "uncontrolled" body as a THREAT) ("TRAPPED"; "CAGED"; seen as "ABUSIVE")
● Difficulty coping with stress ("SWALLOW" it; tend to "TAKE IN" overwhelm; LOSE "DISTINCT SELF")

MAIN TRIGGERS = SEXUALITY, VISIBLE BLOOD, SUMMER, THANKSGIVING, HALLOWEEN, TRAUMA EVENT ANNIVERSARIES, RUSHING/ NOISE, CROWDS, PEOPLE BEING SICK, TALKING WHILE EATING, EATING IN PUBLIC, CHANTED VOCAL PRAYERS, BEING TOUCHED, FEMININE SMELLS & VOICES, ETC.

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✳ DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT PERSONAL/ ENVIRONMENTAL HYGIENE HAS ON YOUR MENTAL STATE!!
When I SKIP it I feel = depressed, dirty, wrong, subhuman, humiliated, want to cry? stuck, forlorn, miserable, powerless, trapped, despondent, etc.!! BODY SPEAKS TO MIND + POOR ENVIRONMENT
When I COMPLETE it I feel = accomplished, clean, clearheaded, refreshed, positive, dignified, comfortable

PROBLEMS=
● I haven't showered in months (outside of inpatient) because of trauma flashbacks/ physical burnout
● I OBSESSIVELY HANDWASH when anxious ("blood on hands")
● When burnt-out, I don't clean the apartment for longer periods of time/ don't wash laundry
● On my worst days I don't exercise and wear dirty clothes for over a week

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING...
✳ Get nonalcoholic mouthwash? Freshness "jumpstarts" desire to feel/BE clean all over
✳ Do ONE tiny thing, like wash your face or wipe the floor. It often gives me enough of a boost to do more.
✳ Leave laundry/ vacuum out where I can see it? "JUST DO IT" push; LAURIE WILL HELP!

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SITUATION THAT TRIGGERED ANGER=
1. Feeling "trapped" by the past because/ when mom keeps bringing it up & asking about it
2. Feeling "doomed" to do Partial aftercare, which requires being ON CAMERA for ~7 hours a day, with nonstop socializing & controlled meals

WHAT I DID=
1. Got defensive/ confrontational, responding coldly/ curtly, blaming her/ exaggerating the negative
2. Cursed, bit myself, yanked out my hair, almost vomited, SEETHED with rage/ fear, isolated myself in hallway

CONSEQUENCES=
1. No dialogue possible. Drives a wedge between mom & I. Hurts her. Corrupts me. Deep regret & shame.
2. Hurt self/ made self sick, didn't fix any problem. Made me feel like I "didn't care about" health? Miserable, scared/ ashamed/ lost.

NEXT TIME, I WILL=
1. Genuinely listen, state my confusion & fear, but also my respect/ TRUST/ love of her & willingness to dialogue/ understand
2. JOURNAL IMMEDIATELY? TALK TO A THERAPIST? And DIALOGUE with social worker? RISK IT ANYWAY?? Don't chicken out!! TRUST IN GOD & PRAY THAT HIS WILL BE DONE, then FOLLOW IT.

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IDENTITY ROLES=
CATHOLIC
ARTIST
MUSICIAN
AUTHOR
"QUEER"
MULTIPLE

IDENTITY QUALITIES=
INTELLIGENT
STRONG
INSIGHTFUL
IMAGINATIVE
COURAGEOUS
JOYFUL
LOVING

I DON'T really identify as DAUGHTER/ SISTER because I DON'T identify as "GIRL"


"ARTIST" IDENTITY
PROS= In tune with my passions & interests; love being creative; value beauty
CONS= Perfectionistic, competitive, "never good enough", "work is never done"
PERSONAL MEANING= Creator of new dreams & joys = speaks truths
SOCIETAL MEANING= Waste of time, meaningless, childish

"MULTIPLE" IDENTITY
PROS= I LOVE US ALL. Self-knowledge. RICH INNER LIFE. Spectrum soul. Deepest self-love. Purest joy.
CONS= TERRIFYING .Trauma cause. Self is "split up." Insane, scary, dangerous. "Broken." Not fit for society.

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BIGGEST "HURTS"=
● Not being TRUSTED to CONTINUE RECOVERY; ASSUME/ "DOOM" ME TO RELAPSE
● "ALWAYS" statements about eating disorder

THINGS I AM AFRAID MOM WILL SAY / MOST TRIGGERING STATEMENTS =
"So are you actually going to follow through on treatment this time, or are you just going to quit again?"
"Are you actually going to eat that or are you just going to throw up?"
"Now make sure you keep it down, I didn't pay for this food for you to waste it!"
"I don't know if I can trust you NOT to relapse"
"That treatment doesn't do you any good. You always go right back to your bad habits. You obviously don't want to get better."
"You look so much more FEMININE"
"You don't look like you're dying anymore! Now make sure you keep that weight on! Don't go right back to throwing up!"
"Well? How long until the hospital high wears off and you go right back to throwing everything up?"
"The treatment had better stick this time, because no one wants to deal with your shit anymore."
"Well, you LOOK healthier, but how long is this going to last before you go right back to your eating disorder?"
"So they fixed your weight, but how much did you hide from them about how sick in the head you are? That's why you can never get better; you never tell your doctors the truth. I think you WANT to stay sick/ you LIKE being sick."


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STRESSORS / TRIGGERS

● RUSHING
● LOUD NOISE
● FEELING HELPLESS
● DIRT/ MESS/ DISORGANIZATION
● CROWDS
● FORCED INTERACTION
● FAST PACED ACTIVITY
● TALKING A LOT
● BAD TEXTURES
● STRONG SMELLS
● "I DON'T KNOW"
● BLOCKED OPTIONS/ UNEXPECTED INABILITY
● SKILL INADEQUACY
● "BACKGROUND NOISE"
● TRAUMA FLASHBACKS
● BEING OUTSIDE AT NIGHT
● SUMMER HEAT/ SMELL
● "INTERIM PANIC"
● BEING PULLED INTO CONVERSATION
● BEING REFERRED TO BY NAME
● GENDER DYSPHORIA
● CERTAIN VOCAL SOUNDS
● FEELING ILL/ SICK/ "WRONG"
● ALLERGY PANIC
● STOMACH PAIN
● BEING LOCKED IN A ROOM
● CREATIVE SUPPRESSION
● OTHER PEOPLE PANICKING
● CHANTING
● BEING TOUCHED
● EATING AROUND OTHERS
● "I DID SOMETHING WRONG"
● BAD WEATHER
● WHINING/ COMPLAINING
● RUSHED SCHEDULES/ SUDDEN CHANGES
● NOT KNOWING THE DATA/ ANSWER
● UNRESOLVED PROBLEMS/ NO SOLID ANSWERS
● FAST DECISIONS
● NOT BEING ABLE TO FOCUS
● HAVING TO BREATHE SLOW/ HOLD MY BREATH
● PEOPLE STARING AT ME
● TELEVISIONS LEFT ON
● "TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF"
● "WHATEVER YOU WANT"
● CRYING
● FEELING UNSAFE/ TRAPPED/ LOST
● "SILLY" BEHAVIOR
● TRAUMA ENVIRONMENTS
● "HURRY UP"
● UNCLEAR/ NO INSTRUCTIONS
● FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BE "MYSELF"
● EVERYTHING ROMANTIC/ SEXUAL


✳ INTENSITY OF STRESS RESPONSE STACKS ON TRAUMA + "DISCONNECTION"
✳ STRESS BOILS OVER QUICKLY INTO ANGER = STRESS IS FEAR
✳ STRESS FOR ME TYPICALLY ISN'T A "SLIDING SCALE." IT HITS IN WHAT FEEL LIKE TOTAL EXTREMES. IT ALL FEELS LIKE A SNOWBALLING EFFECT TO DISASTER. "NEVER JUST ONE"; TRAUMA RESPONSE

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"Insult the cake" mental flexibility assignment= meant to abstractly reveal what we think of AS insulting/ deserving OF insult

"You have too many layers"
"All that icing is so excessive"
"I wouldn't want to eat purple stuff, that's gross"
"You look like you came from a little girl's birthday party" (i.e. "GROW UP")
"You'll go straight to my hips"
"You're sickeningly sweet"
"I don't eat carbs, sorry"
"Sugar is poison, so no"
"I have no room for dessert"
"What do you think you're celebrating?"
"I don't like cake"
"Dessert is a hedonistic luxury"
"You have no nutrition to offer me"
"You don't count as real food"

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PROS/ CONS for CRISIS URGE = BINGE/ PURGE!!! THAT is the MOST DANGEROUS and the one we NEVER WANT TO GIVE IN TO EVER AGAIN!!

PROS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "Stops"/numbs the panic/anxiety attacks
● "Uses up time" that is unscheduled (chaotic)
● Opportunity to think/ listen to ICC lectures
● "Enjoy" food/eating; feel "satisfied"; "fun" (picking)
● "IGNORE/FORGET" the present moment stress?

CONS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "HELL NIGHTS," E.R. TRIPS, BETRAYING GRANDMA
● PERMANENT, possibly FATAL BODY DAMAGE
● WASTES TIME, MONEY, FOOD, LIFE (BAD STEWARD)
● ABUSES body and DISHONORS GOD
● Feeds vice/ starves virtue; CORRUPTS VALUES
● TRAUMATIC forcefeeding/ sickness/ vomiting
● DEATH, DESTRUCTION, DESPAIR

PROS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● KEEP NUTRITION/ BODY UNHURT/ GET TO REST
● NO WASTING; grow in DISCIPLINE & RESPONSIBILITY
● Grow in STRENGTH OF WILL, PATIENCE, COURAGE, ENDURANCE
● TIME to do GOOD & CREATIVE things; LIVE MY VALUES
● STRENGTHEN virtue & body; preserve DIGNITY
● LIFE/ HOPE/ HEALTH/ COURAGE/ WISDOM

CONS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● Need to ENDURE crippling panic/ fear/ anxiety
● May feel nauseous/ sick/ overstuffed/ in pain
● May feel hungry/ unsatisfied; child "crying" protest
● Must find ways of RELAXING/ ENJOYING; NOT GUILTY
● No "rest or relief" from physical suffering


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PROS/CONS for "EATING ALL OF THE CHALLENGE ENTREES; NO CHANGES TO MENUS"

PROS =
● COMMITTED TO 100%
● FACE CONSEQUENCES MANFULLY
● "I WON'T RUN AWAY"
● SET GOOD EXAMPLE
● TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MISTAKES
● GET TO FACE ALL THE FEARS
● SEE JUST HOW I WENT WRONG
● "I CAN'T CHICKEN OUT"

CONS =
● TORTURE/ SELF-ABUSE
● BINGE BEHAVIOR; HUGE PORTIONS
● FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL; "DEHUMANIZED"
● MAKES FEAR FOODS EVEN SCARIER
● TERRIFIED/ MISERABLE FOR THREE DAYS
● HIGH VOLUME MEALS INEVITABLE
● WILL BE STORMED BY FLASHBACKS
● MISS OUT ON SIDE OPTIONS

PROS/CONS for "DO CHANGE MENUS & CUT OUT "FEAR" OPTIONS; REFUSE TO EAT 100%"

PROS =
● PROPER EXCHANGES; OBEDIENT
● REDUCE FEAR/ ANXIETY/ DEPRESSION
● DON'T HAVE TO FORCE FLASHBACKS
● "NORMAL EATING"
● LEARN TO SAY "NO"/ "STOP"
● PROPER PORTION CONTROL
● NOT TORTURING BODY
● SENSE OF POWER/ FREEDOM

CONS =
● "RUNNING AWAY" FROM CHALLENGE
● REGRET MY COWARDICE
● HUMILIATED BY "SECOND-GUESSING"
● HAVE TO EAT TONS OF SIDES INSTEAD
● BROKEN COMMITMENT
● SCANDALOUS TO PEERS
● WASTING FOOD
● RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR

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PROS/CONS for "PUSHING MEALPLAN EXCHANGES WAY OVER LIMITS"

PROS =
● "PERFORM ABOVE AND BEYOND"
● "GET USED TO" LARGER PORTIONS
● GAIN WEIGHT FASTER FOR TREATMENT GOALS
● TRY MORE NEW THINGS
● USE FULL MEAL TIME
● "I CAN DO IT"

CONS =
● SUPER HIGH VOLUME
● BINGE TRIGGER
● COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
● DISOBEYING INSTRUCTIONS
● MUST RUSH TO COMPLETE
● TYPICALLY HIGH IN LIPIDS
● GLUTTONOUS BEHAVIOR

PROS/CONS for "STICKING WITH THE LIMITS YOU'RE GIVEN"

PROS =
● FOLLOWING THE RULES
● SMALLER VOLUME MEALS
● GET USED TO EATING LESS
● MORE TIME TO ENJOY
● TEMPERATE BEHAVIOR
● LESS STRESS
● MEET THE CHALLENGE
● MAKE WISER CHOICES

CONS =
● "FOMO"
● "HUNGER" FEAR
● HAVE TO SAY "NO"
● TRIGGERS RESTRICTION
● LIMITS OPTIONS
● MAY FEEL "DEPRIVED"
● RESTRICTED CHOICES
● FEEL CONTROLLED

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PROS/CONS for "INTEGRATING ENTIRETY OF PERSONAL HISTORY; OWN IT ALL"

PROS =
● EVERY NOUSFONI CAN LIVE
● RADICAL SINCERITY
● OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN & PRACTICE REAL LOVE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS
● FINALLY HEAL THE TRAUMA
● WE CAN REMEMBER IT ALL
● WHOLENESS OF IDENTITY

CONS =
● WE MUST FACE ALL THE HORROR AND NOT DISOWN OUR FAILURES OR SINS
● MUST PROCESS DECADES OF TRAUMA
● POSSIBLE BREAKDOWNS
● REQUIRES TONS OF TIME AND EFFORT; TOTAL FOCUS
● YOU CANNOT RUN

PROS/CONS for "NO 'PAST'= CONTINUE TO DETACH & DISSOCIATE FROM THE TRAUMA, CHILDHOOD, HELL YEARS & JULIE DAYS; CUT 'NOW' OFF FROM THEN'"

PROS =
● "PURE" PAST
● FORGET WORST TRAUMA
● "THAT WASN'T ME"
● FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
● CONTINUED DISSOCIATION MAY BIRTH NEW NOUSFONI
● DETACH FROM GUILT/ SHAME
● SHUT DOWN FLASHBACKS
● "A WHOLE NEW PERSON"

CONS =
● LIVING A LIE, ULTIMATELY
● IN DENIAL OF REALITY
● UNINTEGRATED SELF
● "RUNNING AWAY"
● SO MANY NOUSFONI DENIED THE CHANCE TO LIVE & SPEAK
● MEMORIES STAY HIDDEN
● DISCONNECT FROM FAMILY
● NO HEALING PROGRESS

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PROS/CONS for "GOING TO PARTIAL WHETHER IN PERSON OR ONLINE & STICKING WITH THE PROGRAM"

PROS =
● CONTROLLED RECOVERY WORK
● OBEDIENT/ COMPLIANT/ COOPERATIVE
● GOOD EXAMPLE, GOOD CHARACTER
● LEARN NEW SKILLS
● GET FURTHER COUNSELING
● INSPIRE & BE INSPIRED BY OTHERS
● ACCOUNTABILITY FIGHTS RELAPSES
● PREVENTS SLOTH & ISOLATION

CONS =
● NO SCHEDULE FREEDOM
● TAKES UP MAJORITY OF DAY
● MAY BE ON CAMERA FOR HOURS
● NOISY, STARING AT MEALS
● POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING
● CONTROLLED MEALPLAN
● "INFECTS" HOME ATMOSPHERE
● MENTALLY EXHAUSTING

PROS/CONS for "REFUSING TO GO OR COOPERATE, DROPPING OUT AND/OR QUITTING"

PROS =
● TOTALLY FREE SCHEDULE
● I DECIDE MY MEALTIMES & MEAL OPTIONS
● QUIET, ALONE TIME AT HOME
● "PRESERVE MENTAL HEALTH"
● FOCUS ON CREATIVE WORK
● ABLE TO SAY "NO"
● ABLE TO FOCUS ON ME
● NO CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT NEXT DAY

CONS =
● "REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH TREATMENT"
● SCANDAL AGAINST CHARACTER
● HIGHER RISK OF RELAPSE
● NO "TRANSITION" PERIOD
● ISOLATION RISK
● NO NEW LEARNING OF SKILLS/ INFORMATION
● THERAPISTS/ DOCS/ FAM WILL BE VERY UPSET
● YOU WILL REGRET IT

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PROS/CONS for "ACCEPTING THAT THE WORLD WON'T CONFORM TO MY MORALS/ COMFORT; TRIGGERS ARE UNAVOIDABLE"

PROS =
● CAN FOCUS INSTEAD ON MANAGING EMOTIONAL RESPONSE & COPING SKILLS
● IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS, NOT YOURS
● CAN TAKE A STAND WITHOUT BEING CRUEL
● ALLOWS FOR MERCY
● FOCUS ON OWN MORALS
● SET A HOLY EXAMPLE

CONS =
● GRIEF, RAGE, DESPAIR RISK AT MORAL CORRUPTION
● MAY BECOME MORALLY LAX
● RELATIVISM RISK
● THREATS EVERYWHERE
● RISK OF CHRONIC DISSOCIATION
● MAY STOP FIGHTING
● BLINDED TO POSSIBLE CHANGE

PROS/CONS for "REJECTING THE FREE WILL OF OTHERS & DEMANDING THAT YOU BE 'CATERED TO' MORALLY & MENTALLY; 'DON'T DO SUCH THINGS'"

PROS =
● REFUSE TO TOLERATE MORAL CORRUPTION
● "FIGHT AGAINST EVIL"
● SEEKS JUSTICE
● MORAL STANDARDS
● ASSERTIVE OF MORAL OBJECTIVE TRUTHS/ DOGMAS
● MINDFUL OF OWN TRIGGERS & RISKS

CONS =
● TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS
● DOESN'T ACTUALLY PREVENT TRIGGERS OR FLASHBACKS
● INCONSIDERATE OF THE UNIQUE SITUATIONS OF OTHERS
● UNMERCIFUL
● NO MORAL STRENGTH
● PUT MYSELF IN GOD'S PLACE
● PROUD

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PROS/CONS for "I CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT; ACCEPT DENIALS & LIMITS IN LIFE; ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES & TAKE WHATEVER IS GIVEN GLADLY"

PROS =
● BUT YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
● OPEN TO ADVENTURE
● INCREASES CAPACITY FOR GRATITUDE & HUMILITY
● FIND MERIT IN UNEXPECTED
● FLEXIBLE, ADAPTABLE
● FIND JOY & FUN IN SURPRISE
● POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD

CONS =
● MAY START DENYING WANTS
● TRIGGER FOR COMPLAINING
● FUELS "SERVANT" MINDSET
● MAY START SUPPRESSING ASSERTIVENESS
● RISK OF CRUSHING PREFERENCES
● MAY TRIGGER POROUS BOUNDARIES

PROS/CONS for "RESIST, PROTEST, GRUMBLE, COMPLAIN, INSIST ON GETTING MY WANTS EVEN IF ITS RUDE; REFUSE TO COMPROMISE OR SETTLE"

PROS =
● "ASSERTIVE"
● "I KNOW MY WANTS"
● ABLE TO SAY "NO" & STAND UP FOR SELF
● SUGGESTS AN UNDERLYING PASSION FOR JUSTICE
● "SECURE" OUTCOME TO MY PLANS & EXPECTATIONS
● SENSE OF CONTROL

CONS =
● ARROGANT, ENTITLED
● RIGID EXPECTATIONS
● NO NEW EXPERIENCES
● UNGRATEFUL
● UNCOOPERATIVE
● NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE
● SELFISH, CHILDISH
● "MY WILL BE DONE"
● INFLEXIBLE, UNABLE TO ADAPT
● DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND REPUTATION

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"Write a brief imaginary two-way conversation between yourself and a person you trust/ consider a mentor, where the two of you discuss a significant problem you are struggling with. How do you imagine they would respond?"

ME= Father P., I am struggling immensely with my gender identity. I know my body is female but I have never felt happy, safe, or comfortable with it. What do I do about this? The inner conflict is agonizing.

FR.P= We all have our particular cross to carry, and this is yours-- along with being gay, as you have also told me. It isn't a sin to have these difficult feelings. It is only sinful to ACT on them, as they are contrary to nature.

ME= I understand that and ironically that's why this is so difficult. Father, I HAVE acted on these feelings before, as you know. The problem is that I STILL WANT TO, and the thought of having to live as a woman, abandoning all hope of "gender therapy," is a nightmare.

FR.P= That desire to be another gender might never go away. It might never get easier to handle. And yes, it might make you truly miserable, even angry. But a cross always hurts to carry. This isn't some sort of torture from God. This is a means to make you a saint.

ME= Father, deep down I realize that. And it does give me hope. But I cannot deny the anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be female. I'm scared. It disgusts me. I don't know how to live as a woman and I don't understand "other" women and I feel like an alien. I can't "turn off" this aversion.

FR.P= Maybe you can't. But that's where prayer comes in. You have to trust that God does not want you to suffer like this. There's nothing wrong with being a woman, although I understand you cannot accept that for yourself right now. Can you accept it for others? Is this bigger than just you?

ME= You know what? It really is. I've internalized this corrupt belief that to be a woman is to be sexual, to be defined by that and even doomed to it. I hate it. I hate sex and when I look at the new curves on this body and feel this disturbing soft roundness I want to rip it to shreds, to rip it off of me & leave only the pure fleshless sexless bones.

FR.P= You need to bring this to therapy. There is so much more going on that I cannot help you with, but a professional can. And God WILL help you through them. But you must be completely honest, and you have to trust in God's plan no matter what. He can turn even this into a means of sanctification.

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PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
● I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED! (ESPECIALLY "LIGHT TOUCH")
● I need a small distance between me & others? ESPECIALLY WHEN FACING EACH OTHER. If I'M behind someone, the distance often CLOSES; I love closeness BUT NOT DIRECT ATTENTION.
● Please do not pick up/ move/ look through my belongings, ESPECIALLY my tablets & folders. (Clothes/ HBC doesn't bother me much?)
● Please DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME.
● I have the right to PRIVACY in MY OWN APARTMENT.
● I AM allowed to ask for closeness when I DO want it.

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
● My creative ideas/ worlds mean everything to me. Please respect them & listen sincerely. If you're NOT interested, TELL ME. Don't make me talk about my soul to a wall.
● Do not tell me I'm "hallucinating"/ "imagining things"/ "delusional"/ "confused" etc. WITHOUT VALID EXPLANATION.
● I NEED DIALOGUE. No passive-aggression or "smile & nod" silence. BE HONEST & OPEN with me.
● I have a right to refuse to engage in hostile arguments.
● I have a right to freely express & assert my opinions.
● I have a right to change a topic I feel is inappropriate.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
● Please DO NOT openly discuss self-abuse & trauma with me IN DETAIL, UNLESS we're in MUTUAL DIALOGUE and I ASKED to know.
● I have the right to express real emotion and NOT be shamed, punished, shut down, mollified, or coddled. Do NOT treat me as a "little girl."
● I have the right to RESPECT for my emotions, NOT IGNORED or BRUSHED OFF.
● I have a RIGHT to be OPEN & HONEST about what I feel.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
● I AM A CELIBATE ASEXUAL AROMANTIC and that MUST be honored. NEVER TRY TO "CONVERT" ME.
● I will NOT tolerate sexual language, jokes, or topics.
● NO "PET NAMES"
● NO "FLIRTING"
● NO comments on "beauty" or "attractiveness"
● NO euphemisms or "feminist" lewdness
● I have the right to request MUTUAL MODESTY & PURITY, especially in dress

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
● I have the right to NOT let you "look through" my creative tablets & folders.
● I have the right for my possessions to be kept clean & undamaged
● I have the right to OWN things, and NOT "have to" give them away/ sell them/ "sacrifice" them
● I have the right to spend my money on self-care and enrichment, not just survival
● I have the right NOT to share intimately honest possessions (books, musical instruments, plushes)

TIME BOUNDARIES
● I NEED SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF "ALONE TIME," EVEN WHILE IN A ROOM WITH OTHERS.
● I have the right to quiet, still, peaceful time
● I NEED ↑ that time to EAT. Please honor this!
● I have the RIGHT AND NEED to take DAILY TIME to journal, self-reflect, and do creative work
● I NEED time to PRAY at SPECIFIC TIMES (Liturgy, Divine Office, etc.) and I have the RIGHT to do so.
● I HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP

SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
● NEVER PREVENT OR HINDER ME FROM GOING TO MASS/ ADORATION, OR FROM PRAYER!!
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to witness openly to the Truth of the Catholic Faith in word & deed at ALL times.
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to DEFEND that Faith with respect, yet fidelity. I WILL NOT BE SWAYED OR SILENCED.
● I have the right to practice the rituals & Sacraments of my faith, and to seriously request access to them.

LANGUAGE BOUNDARIES
● Please DON'T use "absolutes" or "leading questions" (UNTIL I get a stronger self-concept; these really disturb me)
● DO NOT "BABYTALK" ME. No "aww!"s or "yay!"s or "good job!"s, etc. NO "feelgood" babble. I am neither an infant nor a pet.
● DO NOT ASK ME "ARE YOU OKAY?" (unless it's PRECEDED by a casual modifer such as "dude," "kid," "hey man," etc.; this changes the entire tone)
● DO NOT USE "FEMININE" TERMS WITH ME (girl, woman, babe, honey, chica, lady, etc.)
● DO NOT KEEP SAYING "I'm sorry"; "Am I annoying you"; "Whatever you want"; "I don't know"; etc.!! ALL "cowering" language STILL triggers my RAGE RESPONSE and I cannot turn it off; this is for BOTH OUR SAFETY.

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BLOATING TOLERANCE EXERCISES

1) BLOATING IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS NATURAL. "THE FOOD HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE." It ISN'T PERMANENT, DISFIGURING, OR A SIGN THAT "SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG/ YOU DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG."
2) Bloating is NOT a "sign of gluttony" or "carnal lasciviousness"!! FOOD ISN'T PARASITIC OR A CURSE OR AN INVADER. EATING ISN'T A SIN.
3)  A LARGE STOMACH ISN'T SHAMEFUL. It's NOT a "marker of sin"!! IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNWORTHY OF LOVE OR RESPECT OR HAPPINESS.

✳ "touch exposure" is SO DISTURBING to me
✳ we get "mirror exposure" anxiety EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
✳ immediately after these exercises the SHAME is DEBILITATING
✳ after 2 hours there is NO DECREASE IN ANXIETY; IT'S STILL HUGE
✳ after 10 days of these exercises IT'S TURNING INTO NUMB DESPAIR
✳ THE ANXIOUS SHAME-TERROR ISN'T GOING DOWN BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE THOSE ↑ THREE DISTORTIONS!!

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QUESTIONING EATING DISORDER THOUGHTS

"Disodered thought = "To be happy/ healthy, I need to weigh ### pounds.""
HAPPY = DEFINED BY OTHERS!
HEALTHY = STRICT/ CONTROLLED; "PURE," "FASTING/ MORTIFICATION"; "HOLY" EMPTINESS. NO LUXURY/ EXCESS/ "FUN" FOOD; (SIN) "ASCETIC"; ONLY THE MINIMUM?
("FLESH at WAR with the SPIRIT")
✳ Heaviness = PRIDE? "CAN'T BE HAPPY" (SELFISH)
WEIGHT = ALWAYS a "LOWER" number; ironically being "SELF-ERASURE"; "happy" when I DON'T EXIST because "I'M" "NOT ALLOWED" TO "TAKE UP SPACE" AS MY OWN PERSON =  "MY HAPPINESS TAKES AWAY FROM OTHERS"? "Happy" when I'm SERVING/ USEFUL (NOT IN ANYONE'S WAY; "SMALL")
↑ I feel like I'm NOT SEEING THIS RIGHTLY? All I'm sure of is that "COMPULSION TO DISAPPEAR"???
✳ "the THINNER my BODY is, the MORE my SOUL can be FELT/ can LIVE" (ZERO SUM GAME)

"Alternative thought = "micromanaging my weight is a waste of time.""
MICROMANAGE = Attempt at MORAL discipline??
TIMEWASTE = HUGE SIN!!

"Disordered thought = I'm not hungry, so I don't need to eat.""
✳ MUTING "NEEDS"!! "REDEFINING/ DENYING" WHAT "COUNTS" AS HUNGER
✳ "IT ISN'T A "NEED" IF I CAN STILL MANAGE WITHOUT IT"; "HOW FAR CAN I PUSH THIS?"
✳ "NO MERCY"; NO "PREVENTION"; ONLY "DISASTER MANAGEMENT"; THE STORM "HAS TO HIT" BEFORE IT'S "REAL"
✳ ONLY CONSIDERING A "NEED" ALLOWED TO BE MET WHEN IT'S CAUSING UNDENIABLE HARM IN CONSEQUENCE OF BEING IGNORED/ SUPPRESSED; "CAN'T DENY IT ANYMORE" (ONLY eat when nearly STARVED)
✳ "MINIMUM" (again); keep body monster CHAINED

"Alternative thought = "I need to eat regularly so I can restore my hunger and fullness cues.""
SCARY; feel "controlled BY the body" (HELPLESS/ TRAPPED) and it feels like a MINDLESS ANIMAL (WILD/ DANGEROUS)

"Disordered thought = "My anxiety gets worse if I don't count calories.""
Calories seen as AMMO??
✳ FEAR that if I'M NOT "AUTHORIZING" EVERY CALORIE THAT IS "ALLOWED"/ "LET" INTO THE BODY, it's POISON/ INVASIVE??? (DEATH) FEAR OF UNKNOWN "TAKING OVER" BODY? INGESTION OF "TOO MUCH"/ "WRONG FOOD" results in SELF-CORRUPTION/ LOSS OF CONTROL/ IDENTITY??
✳ ALL ABOUT CONTROL = "DON'T TRUST FOOD OR MY BODY"??

"Disordered thought = "I'm fat. I hate my body. I don't deserve to eat.""
(SELF-DENIAL EXTREME) (TIES INTO "NEED" CRUSHING)
✳ WHY IS "FAT" "HATEFUL"??? WHY "MUST" IT BE STARVED TO DEATH???
✳ Seeing "FAT" as a "SIN" that must be PUNISHED & EXPUNGED = sees FOOD/ EATING as the "MEANS OF SIN"
✳ "DON'T DESERVE TO EAT" = THIS FRAMES EATING AS SHEER INDULGENCE???
IT ALSO MAKES EATING NOT A NEED BUT A PRIVILEGE"; in IRONIC CONTRAST to eating ALSO being a DANGER/ SIN (IRRATIONAL CONFLICT)

"What is one thing that YOUR eating disorder often tells you?"
"ALL food is potentially lethal (allergy). Every meal is a suicide risk."
"Food is sex. Eating is rape."
"You ARE what you eat. Eat the WRONG things, and they will REPROGRAM YOUR IDENTITY."
"The fatter you get, the less room there is for your soul. The food will take over you like a parasite." (suffocate)

"What could be a healthy alternative thought that you could say in response?"
"ALL food is INHERENTLY NOURISHING."
"Every meal KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
"NOT eating WILL KILL YOU, NO EXCEPTIONS!!"
"You ARE what you eat, and IT ALL IS IN GOD. It starts in LIGHT and is SHARED all the way to YOU. Eating is a PRIESTLY act!!"
"YOUR IDENTITY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE IT WAS MADE BY GOD AND DEFINED BY HIM. And food is FROM Him. Who you ARE can only be SUPPORTED by the food that GIVES HEALTH & NUTRITION TO YOUR BODY-- the VEHICLE for FULFILLING your PURPOSE here!!"
✳ PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON SIZE = YOUR SOUL FILLS YOUR WHOLE BODY. ALL OF THOSE CELLS BELONG TO IT! Besides... with ALL your nousfoni, maybe you "NEED" a bigger body to "fit" them all! ♥

"What would you say to a friend if they talked to themself this way?"
This would BREAK MY HEART. At my worst I have BRUTAL eating disorder thoughts, and they're TERRIFIED. I don't want ANYONE ELSE to suffer from these DISTORTED, EVIL LIES. In TRUTH I KNOW FOOD IS GOOD AND ALL BODIES ARE SACRED. And THAT'S what I would emphasize to a friend. I would USE SCRIPTURE for supportive proof, and FOCUS ON CHRIST/ ETERNITY where LOVE REIGNS.

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✳ BEHAVIORS TO REPLACE= BINGE-PURGING, HYPERRESTRICTING, EXTREME FOOD AVOIDANCE/ FEAR, JUDGING BODY SHAPE, "ALL OR NOTHING" EXERCISE/ EATING IN GENERAL

"What thoughts go through your head when you eat a fear food or challenge food?"
FEAR= "THIS WILL KILL/ POISON/ INFECT ME"
CHALLENGE= "I CAN DO THIS"
✳ FEAR foods are TRAUMA foods; fear of DEATH; PANIC/ HORROR
✳ CHALLENGE foods are met by DETERMINATION; gratitude, even joy (freedom)
✳ "FEAR" foods CAN be "preemptively" CHANGED (POTENTIALLY) to CHALLENGES by MENTALLY REASONING THROUGH the terror response BEFOREHAND?? This at least can ENABLE us TO challenge them, and NOT just AVOID!

"What thoughts go through your head when you step on the scale or look in the mirror?"
SCALE= "is that FAT or MUSCLE or WATER weight?"
MIRROR= "too much EXCESS" "I need to TONE UP" "I look lazy and undisciplined" "I NEED to get STRONGER" "I CAN'T LOOK LIKE [insert name here]"

"In the past, how have negative thoughts about your food/body affected the way you eat/exercise?"
EAT= KETO. FASTING. "Only CLEAN food." Minimal portions so I don't "get round or soft."
EXERCISE= 2 HOURS cardio daily. Afraid to sit down or sit still. "Doesn't count unless it HURTS."

"What are eating disorder thoughts?"
Thoughts that see FOOD as DANGER, and the BODY as a PRISON (DEVIL'S LIES!!)
They focus on PAIN/ PUNISHMENT/ LACK, NOT HELPING/ HEALING!!

"Distorted thought = "I'm going to gain ### pounds from eating that.""
WHY IS WEIGHT SO FEARED?? (tied to VICTIM vibe? "TRAPPED"; SUFFOCATE??)
✳ Seeing food as INERT matter, NOT NOURISHMENT. Weight seen as BAGGAGE, not WEALTH? "More of the world in you to OFFER in PRAISE"

"Distorted thought = "I can't eat that unless I exercise for ### minutes.""
✳ Not realizing that CALORIES are ENERGY to LIVE and your body USES THEM to EXIST; this example is a "POVERTY MINDSET"? "NO SURPLUS/ ABUNDANCE ALLOWED"; rejects the FUTURE in a sense? THIN = FAMINE = NO FOOD/ LIFE. A starved body isn't free to TAKE IN OR GIVE/ SHARE LIFE? Food as enemy = unable to FEED OTHERS (LOVE)

"Distorted thought = "I need to track my calories because I can't trust my body.""
✳ "I will only ALLOW you to eat so much (amount or kind) REGARDLESS of objective NUTRITIONAL NEED" = TO DO WHAT GOD MADE IT TO DO-- TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Distorted thought = "Food is a foreign body"
Alternative thought= "Food is MADE for my body"

✳ WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY HEAL THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET + FEELINGS UNTIL WE ALSO HEAL THE SEXUAL TRAUMA. THAT'S WHERE THE "FOOD = INVASION" FEAR IS ROOTED!
✳ WHAT'S THE ROOT FOR BODY FEELING TERROR (belly rolls, double chin, midsection bulge)??? = "TRAPPED/ HELPLESS" "SUFFOCATION/ CRUSHED" feeling: HOW'D IT START AND WHEN?? (WERE WE EVER THIS FAT/ BIG BEFORE UPMC? OR IS THIS FEAR FROM THE BODIES OF OTHERS?)

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✳FOOD OBSESSION = "TOO MANY CALORIES" = see calories as something TO be rigidly controlled/ limited? Like ANY excess WILL "become FAT" and FAT = "FOREIGN BODY"
✳SHAPE OBSESSION = Not numbers but STOMACH SIZE/SHAPE. "Bloated/ distended"; "UNNATURAL"/ "PARASITIC"?? "Something IN/ ATTACHED to me that DOESN'T BELONG"; "HINDERING" LIFE & FREEDOM of movement? "SICK"? Like a TUMOR

In order to let these obsessions go, I need to...
✳ See food as LIFE-GIVING NOURISHMENT to be RESPECTED & STEWARDED & USED WITH WISDOM & GRATITUDE
✳ Redefine "fatness" of body; distinguish it from lasciviousness; it is NOT "in opposition" to strength & health
✳ Meet my "hunger" in different ways/ LEVELS; feed my SOUL/ MIND/ HEART every day too!
✳ Realize that food/ fatness of body are NOT "cancers" to be controlled or purged or "burned away"
✳ ACCEPT & even EMBRACE the FACT that MY BODY IS FEMALE & IS DESIGNED TO hold more fat
✳ STOP BASING MY SELF-WORTH ON STRENGTH/ POWER/ UTILITY/ AMBITION/ MASCULINE VIRTUE ↑ (BOTH FEAR OF WOMANHOOD/ FEMININITY)
✳ LIVE ETERNITY-MINDED. No matter HOW my body looks/ feels, IT WILL DIE AND I MUST LIVE WITH MY PRIORITIES SET ON HEAVEN!!

Describe what you are scared of and detail how you try to control these situations.
✳ FEAR OF "ADULT/ WOMAN BODY"!!! But it's REJECTING REALITY. Starve = stay a child. Purge = reject "unwanted bigness"?? (DO I ASSOCIATE FOOD/FAT WITH MOM??)
✳ I am actually SCARED of feeling WEAK & TRAPPED. When my body is THIN & SCRAWNY & UNDERFED, I feel UTTERLY POWERLESS and it's TERRIFYING... but when my stomach is full of food & bloated OR "fat" & sicking out, and that "extra body matter" makes it hard to bend or move or even breathe, THAT'S terrifying too, BUT not as much?? Because it at least means I HAVE STRENGTH FROM FOOD? Unfortunately the bulimia tried to "keep me thin" BUT "still eat." It didn't work.
✳ "Only eating certain "pure" foods" out of "poison/ corruption" fear, afraid of "becoming" "BAD" that I labeled foods as?
✳ CONVINCED of ALLERGIES & INTOLERANCES; convinced they would KILL me; ironically the eating disorder was LITERALLY destroying my body by NOT eating food
✳ Scared that FAT = WEAK? Ironically THIN = WEAK really. ALSO fearing FAT = EVIL? Societal lies! There's TONS of evidence of FAT = GOOD, EVEN IN SCRIPTURE! (but MOTIVE/ MEANS MATTER TOO, EVEN WITH THINNESS!!)

What works and what doesn't work about your current approaches?
✳ Bulimia is an "emergency exit" for "eating too much/ poison fear" but it SOLVES NOTHING. It only REINFORCES THE FEAR & DESTROYS MY BODY. It "kept me thin" but AT THE COST OF MY MUSCLE & STRENGTH. It turned me into a SKELETON.
✳ NOT EATING DOESN'T HELP. It STARVES my body & it STARTS TO EAT ITSELF ALIVE. I have NO STRENGTH to LIVE.
✳ My current exercise routing NEEDS TO INCLUDE WEIGHTLIFTING. It's the ONLY WAY I'm going to get "buff." Cardio is great & necessary but it's NOT going to STURDY UP MY SHAPE. Plus, the more muscle I get, the LESS afraid I'll be TO eat!!
✳ I CAN'T LIVE. There's NO TIME, STRENGTH, OR DESIRE LEFT TO DO BEAUTIFUL, POSITIVE, CREATIVE THINGS. All my fear about "how I look & feel" and my efforts to CONTROL that are a PRISON; I'm stuck in a LOOP of self-centered DESTRUCTION & MISERY.


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I think my "defining phrase" is "COURAGEOUS HOPE." It sums up what my HEART feels like-- FIRE AND LIGHT. Today I realized that I KNOW WHO I AM, in TRUTH, not just "as God's child" in general fact BUT in WHAT THAT MEANS. I am CALLED TO BE A SAINT. I am GIFTED with a UNIQUE PERSONALITY, DISPOSITION, & "RESONANCE"; I have been GIFTED with UNIQUE TALENTS, ABILITIES, & PREFERENCES; I have been GIFTED with a UNIQUE MIND, SOUL, HEART, AND BODY, and placed in the EXACT TIME & PLACE & SOCIETY & CULTURE & FAMILY & NEIGHBORHOOD & CIRCUMSTANCES, with the NECESSARY HISTORY even, TO USE ALL THOSE GIFTS AS A FAITHFUL GOOD STEWARD TO ADVANCE GOD'S KINGDOM & "ADD" TO HIS RICHES & BRING HIM GLORY & JOY. That is WHAT HE CALLS ME TO. And so I CANNOT STAND IDLE. I CANNOT HIDE/ BURY/ DENY/ THESE GIFTS AND I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE A GOOD SOLDIER/ CHILD/ STEWARD/ BELOVED OF GOD. I want ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE WORSHIP. THAT'S MY PURPOSE. THAT'S MY JOY. And as COURAGEOUS HOPE, I SET MY SIGHTS ON GOD-- I ORIENT ALL OF ME TO ETERNITY, TO MY TRUE HOME & FAMILY IN HEAVEN, and I MARCH ON WITH A JOYOUSLY BURNING HEART. God gave me a WILL, and I DEVOTE IT TO MAKING MY WHOLE SELF A LIVING SACRIFICE OF LOVE. IN HOPE I REFUSE to give up or give in to worldly despair; "the things that are UNSEEN are ETERNAL". In COURAGE I FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT BY GOD'S GRACE, WEARING HIS ARMOR, TRUSTING IN HIS VICTORY-- CHRIST HAS CONQUERED DEATH!! LOVE HAS ALREADY WON. AND I BELONG TO LOVE. SO I CAN BE COURAGEOUSLY HOPEFUL!

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Talking to Dr. P, I think the HOLY SPIRIT legit witnessed to HIS purposes & hopes for us THROUGH our responses, because they just poured out of our heart. We said that, during treatment, we've GOTTEN FACTS to COMBAT & CONQUER the demons of despair/ doubt/ fear/ cowardice/ negativity, through HEARING words of SUPPORT & COMPASSION & FAITH from BOTH peers & staff, and I HAVE to have FAITH in THEM, too, TRUSTING them & WITNESSING TO that trust BY CULTIVATING THOSE VIRTUES further, which is ONLY POSSIBLE through LOVING SURRENDER/ COOPERATION WITH CHRIST, WHO IS HELPING ME & WANTS ME TO THRIVE & LIVE & GLORIFY HIM BY FULLY FLOURISHING. And I MUST DO THIS IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN-- AS A SYSTEM OF LOVE. We CAN do this TOGETHER. That brings us to point 2-- we CANNOT BASE OUR EMOTIONS/ HOPE/ etc. ON THE REACTIONS OF OTHERS. True, we MUST do our best AND seek to edify others BY our good behavior/ example, because we WANT to be HONORABLE & a TRUE WITNESS TO CHRIST, but by that SAME baptized token we MUST ALSO HAVE CONFIDENCE/ TRUST/ HOPE "FOR OURSELVES." WE MUST CHOOSE truth/ beauty/ goodness FOR OURSELF, for OUR CREATOR'S SAKE, even if NO ONE ELSE does. WE HAVE "THE SPIRIT OF LOVE & COURAGE & SELF-CONTROL." We CAN, and we WILL, STAY RECOVERED. We must DEDICATE ourselves to LIFE & CHARITY every day, a POSITIVE focus, WHILE STILL REMEMBERING "THE PIT GOD SAVED US FROM." NO TOXIC POSITIVITY!! We are a WHOLE! Our WOUNDS can be HOLY! But LIVE FROM A SPACE OF HOPE. LIVE FOR ETERNITY. Don't worry about passing worldly things. GOD HAS SET US FREE TO WORSHIP HIM! And YOUR NEW LIFE, turned OUTWARDS IN COMMUNION (not inwards in egotism), IS A PRAYER.

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WHY AM I STILL MINIBINGEING ON CONDIMENTS. The HIGHEST mealplan only requires 5 per meal, & sometimes I'm getting up to 9. THAT'S INSANE. STOP. I don't even LIKE the tastes at this point; I WANT TO ENJOY SIMPLE FOOD, AS-IS, NO ADULTERATIONS, NO "DROWNING/ MASKING" THE PLAIN TRUTH with EXCESS that is honestly FORCED & COMPULSIVE. And I realize WHY I'm doing it-- it's TWOFOLD: first, the old "I HAVE to know what EVERYTHING tastes like" (WHICH, BTW, we will have SUCCEEDED AT as of THURSDAY with dressing & packet options) AND the fearful "NEED" to KEEP pushing/ trying them "UNTIL I 100% LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM" (which is FOOLISH as well as RIGID? It's giving the message that "I'm NOT ALLOWED to DISLIKE ANYTHING" which CRUSHES my UNIQUE TASTES (personality resonance) AND implies that I believe (DISTORTED) that "not liking" a food/ flavor/ texture experience means I'M HATEFUL/ REJECTING GOD BY JUDGING HIS CREATION/ DEVALUING & DISDAINING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO LIKE IT = "disliking" ANYTHING that OTHERS like" means that I'm ATTACKING/ ERASING THEM??? It's seen as an ACT OF VIOLENCE & INGRATITUDE; "driving a wedge" between ME & COMMUNION WITH CREATION & HUMAN CULTURE; "if I DON'T like it, then I'll NEVER "be close to/ COMMUNE with" those who DO" = "SELF MERGING" & "DENIAL of OWN tastes" as INVALID/ EVIL); and SECOND, I ONLY forcepush them WHEN THERE'S A FOOD ITEM THAT I'M AFRAID OF CHOKING ON/ AFRAID I WON'T "BE ABLE" TO EAT IT "FAST ENOUGH" PLAIN. And BOTH of those are BINGE MINDSETS. We HAVE TO FIGHT & RESIST THAT NOW, WHILE WE'RE AT WAR WITH IT IN REALTIME!! THAT'S where VICTORY is won-- ON THE ACTUAL BATTLEFIELD. God has given us a HUGE OPPORTUNITY. And we MUST RISE TO THE CHALLENGE! From now on, we HAVE to FIGHT by ONLY choosing the REQUIRED amount of lipid exchanges, and NOT "SLUSHING" OUR FOOD "IN ORDER TO EAT IT FASTER." YOU'RE DISHONORING THE FOOD (GOD'S GIFT), REJECTING ITS TRUTH, HABITUATING YOURSELF TO BOTH MAKING & EATING SLOP, GETTING ADDICTED TO A HIGH FAT DIET, AND SETTING A VERY BAD & DISREPUTABLE EXAMPLE for your fellow patients. SERIOUSLY. When they see YOU condiment-bingeing, then THEY are TEMPTED to do the SAME, & also FEEL LESS ASHAMED OF IT, which is OUTRIGHT SCANDAL. ROMANS 14:15 & 20!!! YOU ARE LEADING PEOPLE INTO SIN. SO YOU MUST STOP, NOW, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
✳ I don't recall the exact details of what we ordered this week, but we STILL made some stupid choices, and we HAVE to OWN UP to our addictive behavior, ADMIT our weakness, DISCERN & DIVULGE our distorted reasoning, & then COMMIT TO STOPPING THAT BEHAVIOR. Step ONE is WRITING that out. Step TWO is NOT USING EXCESS CONDIMENTS, EVEN if we ORDERED them! QUIT IT ASAP. NO EXCUSES. We HAVE to. I will admit, it IS VERY HARD to NOT eat EVERY CRUMB of what's on our tray, though. THAT, TOO, feels like UNGRATEFUL REJECTION & fills us with ANXIOUS GUILT & SHAME & REGRET. That's a HUGE OVERREACTION. WHAT IS THAT A PROJECTION OF, PRECISELY? = It's seen as BOTH a GIFT and a COMMAND/ ORDER, since it was SET IN FRONT OF US & WE CAN'T "PUT IT BACK." So, if we LEAVE it, we're saying, "I REJECT THIS GIFT/ I REFUSE TO OBEY/ SUBMIT." MAYBE even "I REFUSE TO SUFFER," which at LEAST implies that deep down we RECOGNIZE that this IS HARMFUL & UNHEALTHY & we DON'T WANT TO HURT/ ABUSE OURSELF WITH EATING DISORDER BEHAVIOR ANYMORE. So DON'T. You know what DOES honor God? OBEYING the REAL mealplan, RESISTING binge compulsions, SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE, & DISCIPLINING OUR WILL so we can FREELY CHOOSE VIRTUE.

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I keep hearing other patients complain & gripe & grimace about our meals & mealplans, voicing sharp dislike & REFUSAL to comply/ cooperate, and... it's actually making me feel really depressed/ anxious? Like, "am I doing something WRONG or FOOLISH or CONDEMNABLE BY obeying the plans, pushing myself even further, & LIKING the food?" If I'm ACTUALLY eating the required lipids-- even if just margarine & mayonnaise-- and I'm ACTUALLY eating the required snacks-- even if just poptarts & cookies-- am I doing something WRONG? Am I STILL "abusing my body" by eating fats & sweets if I'm LEGIT OBLIGATED TO AS PART OF RECOVERY TREATMENT?? If the WHOLE ROOM is gagging at a certain entree on the menu and I CHOOSE IT & EAT IT & ENJOY IT, am I being foolish? They'll CONGRATULATE me for it, saying "you're so strong," "how difficult was it?" "I don't know how you do it," "good job! You made it through!" etc. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE IT'S NOT SOME HERCULEAN EFFORT. I just DECIDED to eat the "intimidating" option & DECIDED to enjoy it & COMMITTED TO 100% AND I DID. WHY would that be difficult or a struggle or something I had to "grit my teeth & power through"? Is THAT what THEY do? ...That's heartbreaking. I don't know if I've EVER experienced that-- EXCEPT for the CHOCOLATE MILK SUICIDE of UPMC. Man. Is it THAT HARD for them, EVERY TIME? ...I NEED to show more compassion. It's just such an instinctual response to label it as "COWARDICE/ CHICKENING OUT" & "ATTACK" it out of ANGER, which is WHAT I DO TO MYSELF. ...gosh is THAT BACKFIRING & ACTUALLY ALSO FUELING THE CONDIMENT FORCING?? My instinct, when I detect "hesitance/ fear" over a choice/ decision in myself, is to "BEAT MYSELF UP" ("hit the whiny child") and FORCE myself TO do it, ALMOST OUT OF CRUELTY, EVEN IF I KNOW IT'S A REASONABLE FEAR & DON'T WANT TO DO IT. That VIOLENT "I HATE COWARDS" response IS SO STRONG. Ironically, it's ALSO IN CONFLICT WITH ITSELF. "I'm afraid of eating that food because the other patients say it'll cause serious disease & harm my body" COEXISTS with "I'm GOING to eat that food BECAUSE it scares me for some reason." So I "CAN'T SAY NO," EVEN to REAL RISK, because THAT'S "CHICKENING OUT"? "EAT that because you were TOLD to" vs. "REFUSE it because it's UNHEALTHY." I'm tired. I'm writing too fast & not thinking. The point: I'm terrified that I'm damning myself BY my obedience. Our body HAS gotten very fat/ swollen/ bloated, & we're in constant pain & discomfort. This is a cross, but is it ALSO the "sign that we're making a stupid decision" & ACTUALLY "killing our body" BY eating the food we're being TOLD to eat? OR is THAT the POINT of the cross-- RESTITUTION for the eating disorder, SUFFERING as HUMBLING PENANCE? And will this PASS, & suddenly leave us TRULY WHOLE & HEALTHY TO LIVE FULLY & FREELY FOR GOD? ...Why does eating STILL feel like it's an obstacle? AM I eating too much? Still? Am I actually STILL SINNING by eating "all this food" "WITHOUT DISCRETION" & even eating "luxury" foods? Am I suffering as PUNISHMENT for GLUTTONY & IMPRUDENCE & INTEMPERANCE even now, in recovery, allegedly, and in obedience? I should talk to staff about this. I'm afraid that if I'm discharged with this mindset of "you HAVE to eat HYPERCLEAN foods or it's STUPID & SUICIDAL" AND "your fatty & bloated body is VISIBLE MANIFESTATION/ PROOF of your CARNAL INSATIABILITY & UNSPIRITUAL DISPOSITION & UGLY GREEDY LUST." Like thin = holy. Like skeletal = pure. But I WAS DYING. And I was WASTING GOD'S GIFTS, INCLUDING MY LIFE. ...CAN I STILL LIVE A GOOD LIFE IF I'M FAT? Isn't eating this much just an "acceptable (medically) perpetuation OF the eating disorder??" THAT'S the HARDEST part of recovery treatment here. The food is RUSHED and it IS often "junk food" & I HAVE to eat it amidst SATANIC TV NOISE & constant table chatter, unable to "ground/ center" & SLOW DOWN & FOCUS ONLY ON GOD. ...It's a BINGE ENVIRONMENT. And I do NOT WANT TO GET ACCUSTOMED TO THIS... OR LET THIS DISTRESS MOTIVATE ME TO RESTRICT AGAIN in a desperate attempt to "REVERSE THE DAMAGE & START OVER." ...and I DO ALREADY WANT TO. That "fear of being POISONED" is sadly lingering. I BELIEVE that if I RUSH through a meal, DISTRACTED & DISSOCIATED & DISTURBED, unable to eat mindfully & express wonder & gratitude in realtime, then I'm "EATING THE STRESS" & "SWALLOWING THE ENVIRONMENT" & being SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY CORRUPTED BY IT.
✳ IT'S THE "MEL" TERROR. Remember, how when I got back home from SLC, I LITERALLY FELT & BELIEVED that ALL that "SCARY ANGRY YELLOW SCREAMING ENERGY" was BEING STORED IN MY STOMACH FAT, because THAT'S where "WHAT I HAD TO EAT/ SWALLOW" WENT, & it was ALL THE TERROR OF SLC AND I HAD TO GET IT OUT OF ME OR IT WOULD "TURN ME INTO THEM" and KILL ME as an ultimate result. I'M AFRAID OF THAT HAPPENING AGAIN NOW. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THOSE EVIL, EVIL TELEVISION SHOWS. I DON'T WANT TO SWALLOW THE ATTITUDES OF THE OTHER PATIENTS, ESPECIALLY NOT THEIR "WHINING/ COMPLAINING/ DISLIKE/ SARCASM/ BITTERNESS/ FEAR/ SPINELESSNESS/ ETC." AND THAT'S CRUEL OF ME TO SAY BUT THEY TALK ABOUT FOOD SO DISTORTEDLY & JUDGMENTALLY & IT HURTS AND I DON'T WANT THAT IN ME JUST BECAUSE IT KEEPS GOING INTO MY BRAIN THROUGH MY EARS AS I EAT. God I am SO TIRED. Please, please, help me to be kind. Help me NOT to judge. Help me to HAVE MERCY, WITHOUT "APPROVING" THOSE ATTITUDES, IN OTHERS OR MYSELF. Please, God, I'm BEGGING You, PLEASE DON'T LET ME SWALLOW SIN & EVIL. Matthew 15:11 & 17-18. PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE. DON'T LET ME CORRUPT IT. GIVE ME A NEW, CLEAN, PURE HEART SO I DON'T POISON MYSELF AND THE FOOD & EVERYONE ELSE. God, PLEASE help me enjoy the meals. PLEASE, I'm begging you again, I know it's stupid & selfish & carnal & evil but oh God please. I WANT to enjoy & treasure the food AS YOURS, as YOUR Creation & Gift, for YOUR SAKE. ...please God, please let me enjoy this food. I'm so sorry for what I did wrong, whatever it is. Please show me clearly, & then PLEASE help me & LET me do the needed penance & restitution for it so I CAN enjoy the food at last... IF that's not a sin in & of itself. Lord I'm a tangled mess right now. I just want SO BADLY to EAT HOW & LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. And deep down I KNOW THAT'S "EDEN." EATING ISN'T EVIL, & ENJOYING FOOD ISN'T A SIN-- OTHERWISE HEAVEN WOULDN'T BE A FEAST. (of RICH FARE!!) & YOU WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN, IN PERFECT LOVE & WISDOM, TO GIVE YOURSELF & YOUR LIFE TO US, THROUGH EATING, IN THE MOST HOLY EUCHARIST. You DELIGHT in feeding us, even here in this fallen world. It's MEANT to be JOY. LET IT BE THAT.

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Our group assignment is to THINK OF/ DISCERN statements/ phrases we will LIKELY HEAR upon being SEEN at a higher weight/ upon meeting people who STILL SEE US AS THE EATING DISORDER; i.e. who "HAVE NO FAITH OR HOPE IN US." And THAT response is what HURTS the MOST & elicits a kneejerk WOUNDED ANGER/ MOURNING response. We feel TRAPPED. And really, WE SHOULD EXPRESS EXACTLY THAT. Be CONFIDENT in OURSELF, WITH GOD'S CONSTANT HELP. By golly THAT'S what we should say! BRING GOD ACTIVELY INTO IT. Let them KNOW that it's NOT "JUST ME," in BOTH senses ideally! BE SHOCKINGLY HONEST FROM HERE ON OUT. And KEEP your HEART OPEN & GENTLE. Wear that cloak!
✳ "Body comments" CAN be accepted easily & gratefully IF YOU'RE WILLING TO RECEIVE THEM AS COMPLIMENTS! When KIND & POSITIVE words are offered, DO NOT NEGATE THEM! TRUST that person's kindness! STAY IN THE LIGHT! EMBRACE the HOPE of a NEW & COMPASSIONATE perspective-- one FREE OF DISTORTION & SELFISHNESS. When others say "you look good/ healthy/ so much better/ beautiful/ FEMININE" etc., GRATEFULLY ACCEPT & AFFIRM THAT CHARITY. IT'S FROM GOD. MOVE INTO THAT NEW SPACE OF FREEDOM & JOY; DON'T FIGHT/ REJECT IT LIKE A DEVIL! THANK them SINCERELY and enter into GENUINE CELEBRATORY DIALOGUE. SHARE THIS NEW HAPPINESS. It's TRUTH!! It's GOOD & BEAUTIFUL!! Your thinness & eating disorder were the result of ABUSE & HATE & FEAR & SELFISHNESS & LIES & CRUELTY & DEATH. LEAVE THAT AND DISOWN IT. YOU HAVE BEEN "CREATED ANEW!" GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A "NEW BODY," FULL OF LIFE & HOPE! So CHERISH IT & LEARN HOW BY RECEIVING THAT GRATEFUL "INSTRUCTION" FROM OTHERS' LOVE!
✳ The HARDEST comments to handle are the NEGATIVE ones-- "make sure you don't relapse"; "how soon until you go right back to how you were?" "you better not mess up this time," etc. FIGHT DARK WITH LIGHT. These are OPPORTUNITIES to STAND UP FOR TRUTH & GOODNESS, & BRING THE OTHER PERSON WITH YOU!! Respond with PATIENT KINDNESS & PEACE. Speak with HOPE & FAITH in GOD'S GRACE TO KEEP YOU IN RECOVERY, & WITNESS TO THAT. Even if they STILL don't trust YOU, affirm CONFIDENTLY & LOVINGLY that YOUR TRUST IS IN GOD, & THEIRS SHOULD BE, TOO. ASK THEM TO PRAY FOR YOU! REDIRECT their thoughts TO hope & faith! Deep down, they just FEAR a relapse. (NEGATIVE comments express a HIDDEN CARE; they DO WANT YOU TO BE WELL, but focus on the RISKS)

Hack nightmare last night. Then I fell half-asleep and who was there protecting & guiding me to safety but LAURIE. Except her name registered clearly as LAUREL, and her color was PURPLE. But she was AS SHE WAS MEANT TO BE-- a Knight, a guardian angel, a Protector in truth, NOT a chummy conversation partner. She kept a separation between us without separating us. She didn't blunt her edges or parrot vapid platitudes. She didn't try to sugarcoat or mollycoddle or make things palatable, because she DIDN'T NEED TO. The strength of her presence, the fierce unspoken LOVE in her very existence, was profound comfort. SHE was all I needed-- no placating, no chatter, just her, as I RECOGNIZE her. It meant the universe to me.

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Breakfast today made us realize that a LOT of our mealtime dissociation IS SHEER SENSORY OVERWHELM. Honestly I loathe the television, but it serves as "distracting noise" for the anxious group. The same goes for conversation. And I see & respect how that works for them. BUT, I have different "needs". I "need" QUIET FOCUSED SLOW SOLITUDE, to eat MINDFULLY & PROCESS THE DATA. I cannot do that very well here, but I AM trying my best. I must be PATIENT & UNDERSTANDING & GENTLE (CLOAK) towards everyone. They are NOT "AGAINST" MY HEALING just because the majority needs are different. I need to discuss this with my treatment team perhaps. I need to properly discern WHICH "needs" CAN be either sacrificed for the common good or somehow compromised/ altered for the sake of submissive obedience, WITHOUT SUCH A DECISION CONTRIBUTING TO DISORDERED HABITS & HARMFUL STATES OF MIND? How much "agency" do I truly have here? Am I overestimating, assuming I CAN "just reprogram myself" or "suppress my alleged needs" on a dime? Or am I underestimating, and I REALLY DO NEED ACCOMMODATION if ONLY to PREVENT the further HABITUATION/ RE-EMPHASIZING of behaviors that, although seemingly neutral to others, are LEAVING MENTAL BRUISES that are SETTING BAD "FOUNDATIONS" for FURTHER HARM that I WOULD NOT HAVE SUFFERED OUTSIDE OF THIS ENVIRONMENT? THAT'S why I'm scared. I hate the TV. I fear the overwhelm. I'm literally getting sick from all the processed packaged food. I DON'T WANT MY BODY REBUILDING ITSELF FROM GARBAGE & CHEMICALS. I want to GET OUT OF HERE & FEED IT MYSELF & I DON'T WANT TO HURT IT. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT. God what do I do? I can't start refusing meals. I'm determined to eat 100%, if only for obedience. Can God redeem these efforts? IF NOTHING from outside can make me "unclean," can God ALSO prevent those outside things from making my body a trash heap?
✳ "You are what you eat" BUT I'M NOT BEING GIVEN A CHOICE. MY BODY'S "IDENTITY" IS LITERALLY BEING DECIDED BY OTHERS & FORCED UPON ME. IT'S SEX ABUSE. IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE. Why ELSE do you think we started purging?? WE CAN'T SAY "NO". WE MUST "BE A GOOD GIRL" & TAKE IT. We MUST OBEY. But WHY??? WHAT IS THE ACTUAL GOAL HERE?? Obedience for its own sake? Denial of self in order to be an extension of others? or their toy/ science project? In the end, what will this make ME? Can I LIVE with that? Does it even matter? IF "we're not meant for this world" BUT "our BONES will be resurrected," where does one draw the line? How much should I care? And about what things? Does Mark 16:18 apply here? If EVERYTHING is really just a different form-combination of the BASIC MINERALS & CHEMICALS that GOD created, then CAN GOD "TRANSFORM" the "poison" of "bad food" INTO its GOOD BASIC STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS? I NEED to have FAITH in that. EVERY CREATED THING IS GOOD AT HEART, AS GOD'S CREATION. They may become broken & distorted, yes, BUT CHRIST CAN & DOES REDEEM EVERYTHING... ESPECIALLY FOOD (EUCHARIST)!!

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Laurie pointed out that CONDIMENT FORCING is contributing to meal dissociation/ rushing, so CUT BACK & instead ENJOY THE REALITY of the food AS-IS. The other half IS social-noise-attention anxiety, but we're working on detaching & just eating, NOT trying to "perform."

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Laurie pointed out that I'm compulsively "bingeing" on condiments. I'm FORCING myself to eat them and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO. I'm desperately seeking to accomplish SOMETHING by doing this, but WHAT? What data am I trying to get? Am I? I thought about it with Laurie when she pointed out how I IMMEDIATELY regretted asking for the packets. I realized then that this is most likely APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR. I'm forcing mayo "in restitution" somehow for UPMC mistakes & home misuse. I'm forcing ranch because of both TBAS & grandma. I'm forcing hot sauce as some sort of "identity" tangle, like I'm not allowed to object to it or I'll "change my personality." I don't know why-- no, I do. I'm forcing ketchup because of grandpa & dad & childhood memories. WHAT AM I TRYING TO PROVE OR ACCOMPLISH HERE? What do I think EATING these things will DO, to ME? Are they SYMBOLS?
1) "I need to push fats/ calories" = UPMC talk, STILL. The "need" is DIRECT APPEASEMENT. "Will you be happy with me if I try to make myself gain weight faster?" "Am I being good by showing you that I'm "willing" to make myself fat faster?" Is that a real motive? "I know that adding fat & calories contributes to weight gain. If I "FREELY" CHOOSE to add MORE than I was given, I'm showing them that I'm willing to go "above & beyond" what is expected? to PUSH myself HARDER, even to the LIMIT? They WANT me to eat more & gain weight, so if I force the process along faster, to GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT, I'll be "good"?? Is that what I'm so desperate for? They don't "love me" for it. They MIGHT "like me" SOLELY because I pleased them by conforming myself to their mandated expectations, & surpassing them, but it'd be a "like" based on UTILITY, or even just egotism? "We like you because you don't resist us. You always do exactly what we desire, & even take the initiative to further please us. You'll do." Until I hit goal weight & I'm no longer needed or interesting or wanted & I get tossed out with the trash, with all the other toys that aren't fun anymore, with all the other useless excess. Then what? NOW who sees me as good? Who do I please by my servile obeisance & self-denial now? What in the world am I trying to do? It's because this E.D. recovery, AND the disorder itself, make me feel like my MORAL WORTH AND STANDING are DEFINED BY MY BODY SIZE & SHAPE. Everyone WANTS me to be FAT, like ALL the sexually horrifying women that have traumatized me over the years. But WHY? Do THEY want to sexualize ME? to "fatten me up" to be KILLED & DEVOURED? What does forcefeeding me do for them? If MY CHOICES to eat made them FURIOUS, then WHY is THEIR forcing me to eat TONS MORE, but by THEIR CHOICE & CONTROL, not only "allowed" but PRAISED & even ORDERED? My OBEDIENCE is ALWAYS in SUBMITTING to CONTROL that INVOLVES CONTROL OF MY BODY. THEY get to manipulate it as THEY wish, and I as a PERSON DON'T GET TO EXIST. I can't say no. I "NEED" to eat all these condiments that I don't like but OTHER people do because I HAVE to like EVERYTHING and I'M ONLY A GOOD GIRL if I do so AND GET FAT, because... why? Is being not-fat offensive? Mind you I DON'T WANT TO BE "THIN." Even being "skinny" is deeply shameful. I want to be STRONG. NOT FAT. The difference is EFFORT & DISCIPLINE vs. SLOTH & INDULGENCE. But... they keep telling me to "gain weight" & "fill out" and I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SEXUAL "WOMAN." Do I have ANY other options? And then WHY do I see fat/ chunky/ fullbodied/ "shortstack" women as BEAUTIFUL? I just can't BE ONE, or I "CAN'T LOVE THEM," somehow. I'll lose myself. That's NOT ME. I need to be... what? NOT skinny & frail. No, I want to LOVE & PROTECT PEOPLE. I NEED to be BIG in order to be STRONG. But THIS behavior is SKEWED. It's NOT protein or vitamins. It's FAT, & it's "NONFOOD" EXCESS. It's just an attempt to affect NUMBERS & APPROVAL, NOT HEALTH!

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Higher meal plans have 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY. That's SCARY amounts of sugar! And honestly, that's WHY I QUIT IOP LAST YEAR. This is a BIG OBSTACLE if I am REQUIRED to follow the meal plan, both psychologically AND financially. So we MUST face this NOW, and find the ROOT FEARS so we can deal with it MATURELY & RESPONSIBLY instead of being blindsided by kneejerk panic. We NEED to UNDERSTAND our fears about FRUIT & SUGAR, NOTABLY because we've realized that MOST FRUITS REGISTER AS FEAR FOODS, NOT mere challenges or aversions!
✳ There's a LOT as to WHY. SUGAR is one. MESSINESS (JUICE) is another. SEX ASSOCIATIONS are also significant. But WHY is SUGAR "EVIL/ DANGEROUS"?? IS IT BECAUSE OF THE SEX ABUSE/ TRAUMA? DID THIS BEGIN WITH CHOCOLATE??

✳ An AVERAGE of 2 FRUITS per meal is UNREALISTIC WITH VOLUME to my current understanding. The only way to "consolidate" is through JUICE (no fiber, glucose spike) or DRIED FRUIT (no water, glucose spike). SO we have to PREVENT GI SPIKES by BOOSTING FIBER in the rest of the meal, as well as fats?? If we are allowed to. This is much easier at breakfast; dinner will be tricky UNLESS we do something COMPLIMENTARY? Like a compote or "sauce" side?? It's too complicated & unnecessary though. I want & arguably NEED to have a SIMPLE, PLAIN, STRAIGHTFORWARD diet.
✳ We NEED to LIMIT our OPTIONS for the sake of PRUDENCE, SIMPLICITY, & AFFORDABILITY. Find what is NUTRITIOUS that DOESN'T cause "illness" (like IBS flares & toothaches), AND that we GENUINELY LIKE-- because LEARNING TO HAVE PREFERENCES & ALLOW MYSELF TO LIKE THINGS AND HAVE THEM WITHOUT PUNISHMENT is a KEY PART OF RECOVERY-- and STICK TO IT BRO!!
✳ So, AS OF TODAY, what DO we like? What do we have RIGHT NOW to work with? What are our BIGGEST OBSTACLES, the FEARS that are LIMITING OUR TRUE FREEDOM-- freedom TO CHOOSE WHAT IS GOOD? (Freedom is FOR GOD, freedom TO GLORIFY & OBEY our treatment plan & NOT FEAR CREATION)
✳ We legit REALLY like DRIED CHERRIES, FRESH FIGS, BLACK & RED GRAPES, and that's all I can think of, which is upsetting. There is SO MUCH FEAR TOWARDS FRUIT, and it's tied to DEATH & POISON for the most part. It ROTS SO FAST and I am SO USED to ALL the fruit at the old homestead being ROTTEN & MUSHY & MOLDED & LEAKING & WORM INFESTED & SMELLING LIKE DECAY. And DRIED fruit would be STALE & RANCID & FULL OF DIRT & HAIR & BUGS. This is WHY I get kneejerk "poison" aversion to MELONS, RAISINS, PEACHES, BANANAS, etc. Pomegranates, coconut, cranberries, etc. are similar, as are ALL clamshell berries. I am NOT used to ACTUALLY FRESH FRUIT. My childhood default was ROTTING, either through being left out on the table or forgotten in the refrigerator or on the porch. But that's the root of the poison fear. And it's sad, because it is BASED ON A LIE-- FRUIT IS NATURALLY FRESH & GOOD & HEALTHY & PURE. It's the FOOD OF EDEN!!! I SHOULD BE EATING FRUITS! That would SERIOUSLY be a PRIESTLY act on my part-- RESTORING the TRUE DIGNITY that GOD INTENDED to fruits, as I HEAL my experience of them by experiencing them AS GOOD, & offering that PRAISE TO GOD with HEAVEN in mind-- the "RETURN to the TRUE GARDEN" where CHRIST is the FRUIT OF LIFE!! So THERE'S your motivation & holy battle plan. HEAL = LOVE.
✳ Remember we STILL DO HAVE TO PLAN FOR THE MEALPLAN! And that MUST BE SUSTAINABLE. THAT fruit choice group HAS to be REALISTICALLY AFFORDABLE, LOCALLY ACCESSIBLE, COMPLIMENTARY TO OUR OTHER FOODS, & REASONABLY ENJOYABLE. ALL the fruits that DON'T fit those criteria (like papaya, dragonfruit, melon, etc.) MUST STILL BE HEALED, EVEN IF THEY DON'T BECOME A REGULAR PART OF OUR DIET, because ANY inclusion OR "exclusion" from the grocery list MUST COME FROM A PLACE OF FREEDOM & GRATEFUL APPRECIATION, NOT AVERSION OR FEAR! And NO FORCING, EITHER-- that's DISRESPECTFUL & CRUEL! "Not eating" a fruit for legit reasons ISN'T A SIN. Remember that "fasting" IS HOLY. It's STILL AN OFFERING OF GOODNESS TO GOD IN GRATITUDE, BY NOT EATING IT! EVEN THAT CAN BE DONE FOR HIS GLORY. So don't worry. Do what you NEED to do for your body's health & recovery, & do it in FREEDOM, LOVE, & PEACE.

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✳ MAPLE is "TREE BLOOD" and IT'S RESONATING. There's a girl forming to hold it! Her hue is hovering CERISE? NOT Orange? And Brown seems obvious but doesn't match the flavor? It's too unclear yet. BUT I WONDER if DUOTONE NOUSFONI ARE POSSIBLE in this "new era." We'll see!
✳ She WEARS cerise & vermilion accents? But her BASE reso IS BROWN? There's only one way to know for sure-- EAT SYRUP AGAIN & FEEL FOR HER IN RESONANCE WITH IT. The two HAVE TO MATCH. Remember that for ALL Lotophagoi = they NEED THE FOOD DATA IN ORDER TO ANCHOR TO IT AS A FUNCTION!

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We keep getting chocolate chip cookies for snack and the data keeps blurring out completely. Laurie said, if you're AFRAID of the chocolate again & labeling it as BAD, then you HAVE to face it & HEAL it with LOVE & GRATITUDE. DON'T CHICKEN OUT!

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I left my books under the soap dispenser & Paula accidentally got soap all over my softcover book, permanently altering it & smudging the words inside. I saw it as "ruined" because it's no longer mint condition & never can be again. I actually felt anger towards her, but it was really anger at myself for leaving it there where it WAS at risk. Then she started frantically apologizing & I didn't know how to explain the situation and everything just felt ugly & wrong & ruined.
↑ I AM GRATEFUL that now that book carries EVIDENCE of my life ACTUALLY going off the rails, & since it's SOAP it almost SYMBOLIZES a "washing" me clean of that past-- especially my HANDS, with the neurotic guilt & shame. Secretly I'm so curious to see WHAT words the soap altered; I trust the Holy Spirit WILL speak through it. I'm ALSO grateful that I HAD such an unhealthy reaction because now I HAVE to FACE/ ADMIT/ CONFESS that I STILL REACT THAT WAY, and if I don't deny OR justify it, I CAN combat the vice there & LEARN VIRTUE to DIRECTLY replace/ heal it. (I immediately reached out to her in sincere apology & gentle reassurance. All is well again.)

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Paula won't stop apologizing & it's making me SO BLOODY ANGRY. TBAS did this same exact simpering thing, & that's what it feels like-- cowardly, spineless, jellylegged, piddling, whiny baby asininity. That's BRUTAL judgment and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS but I do. I can't deny it. I need to deal with it.
WHY does it make me so unreasonably enraged? It feels like forced victimization; it's overly dramatic & it it GUTLESS. It's almost begging for babying.
↑ WE JUDGE OURSELF THIS WAY & IT'S BLEEDING OUTWARDS. We MUST untangle this & PRACTICE COMPASSION or else it will POISON US, making us TOXIC. (I'm sure we already are, with this terrible reaction happening in us so immediately. That makes this a PRIORITY TO HEAL.)

focus on the good!


GOOD THINGS ON SUN 0512
1. Visited DAD! ♥ We had a POSITIVE conversation & he gave me a birthday card
2. Got a surprisingly relevant & touchingly sweet birthday card from mom
3. The May Crowning kids at church were SO CUTE & there was that GORGEOUS Latina girl & her fam too

GOOD THINGS ON MON 0513
1. FINALLY did the laundry! We DIDN'T get overwhelmed & our timing was perfect!
2. Cleaned up that huge stack of church bulletins that's been piling up by the altar since mid-April
3. Finally got back into the exercise routine, & got a solid hour in, with music!

GOOD THINGS ON TUE 0514
1. Wonderful therapy session, FULL OF SCRIPTURE HOPE!
2. Refused to stop praying, no matter how scared/ stressed I was
3. Didn't give in to compulsive spending behaviors, THANK GOD

GOOD THINGS ON WED 0515
1. Didn't go back to bed when I woke up, despite depression wanting to
2. Smokie Norful album discovery; BEAUTIFUL songs = EXACT prayers I needed
3. Didn't starve myself OR binge; ate normally & was brave

GOOD THINGS ON THU 0516
1. Got to go up the old house with mom & SMELL THE WISTERIA
2. Also got to smell THREE COLORS OF IRISES at the house & at church
3. Used morning confusion to our advantage & put away winter clothes

GOOD THINGS ON FRI 0517
1. BOTH major family issues from yesterday/ today were resolved well
2. Finally starting cataloguing the bookshelves, while listening to Sondae
3. DIDN'T PURGE when I was afraid "forbidden" food had "poisoned" me

♥♥♥

OBSTACLES TO JOY THIS WEEK...
1. EATING DISORDER HELL
2. TUMBLR/ FACEBOOK BRAIN INFECTION
3. TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYBODY
4. TOO MUCH SALT YOU MORON

JOY SPARKS TO KINDLE NEXT WEEK...
1. NIGHT TIME WITH THE SYSTEM
2. LISTEN TO SYSTEM MUSIC
3. GET BACK TO JOURNALING!!