092024 FEAR FOODS

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✳Some "FEAR/ CHALLENGE/ AVERSE" foods I MUST face with LOVE to be HEALED/ FREE =
1) APPLESAUCE= see next pageturn.
2) FRUIT CUP(S)= see next pageturn.
3) POPCORN= vague childhood TV terror. CNC & SLC cinema. UNEXPECTEDLY TERRIFYING??? Also "DIRTY HANDS." GRANDPA CLOSET FILTH. +Halloween? Boy Scount sales?
4) NUTRIGRAIN= CNC & grandpa's closet.
5) RITZ= old binge food, often STALE/RANCID. Also "belong to mom" (with her cheeses)? Fear of being punished for eating them
6) OATMEAL RAISIN= something about the taste feels so wrong. "fruit + grain" unnatural fusion? tastes like garbled data to our brain. +They turn to SLUDGE when you eat them.
7) OATS & HONEY BAR= Filthy crumbles. Typically stale/rancid. Feels like eating garbage scrap, not real food.
8) PIZZA= too many bad situation memories
9) BACON= CNC trauma

✳TRIGGERS put you into FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN!!!


"FEAR" FOODS are ACTIVELY tied to TRAUMA and/or seen as an IMMINENT DEATH RISK.
● BACON is BOTH; I fear that eating pig is morally fatal (OT laws & symbolism); if I eat it then I will BECOME a pig. I also fear that it's "unhealthy," which has NO "wiggle room"; if I eat it I WILL have clogged arteries & I CAN'T "UNDO IT" or "take it back." It's PERMANENT DAMAGE. There is NO MERCY with food fears!! It's ABSOLUTE, IRREVOCABLE, & ultimately FATAL. But the worst fear here IS the "IDENTITY CORRUPTION" through "CHOOSING" to CONSUME it; it's DIRECTLY TIED to SXABUSE. if I "let the pig in," it will TAKE OVER & DEVOUR ME like a PARASITE and "I" WON'T EXIST ANYMORE-- or worse, if I DO, it'll be like having a YEERK.
● BACON is ALSO historically tied to SXABUSE EVENTS, so FLASHBACKS OCCUR INEVITABLY. Preparation CAN slightly assuage this by triggering different memories (like mom making it at home), BUT the very "FACT" of bacon consumption HAPPENED at "THOSE TIMES" is undeniable & CANNOT BE TURNED OFF.
● PIGS in general are frightening MORALLY, because I see them SYMBOLICALLY. They represent, & "therefore MANIFEST," FILTH, UNCLEANLINESS, GLUTTONY, BOORISHNESS? They're "ANIMALISTIC" in the sense of "TOTAL DEPRAVITY," plump & mud-caked, rolling in filth & digging their face INTO it in ORDER to eat, snorting & oinking & squealing, stinking horribly, laying inert & sated in the mud, & looking "suggestive" with their pink, taut, round, FAT (plump) bodies, hairy & dirty & fleshy. They "look like the filth of sex." The food/ eating is SECONDARY, almost an OUTGROWTH. The MAIN horror about pigs is SEX & FILTH. They just "PROJECT/ INFLICT" that ONTO eating, because EATING, ALWAYS, IN & OF ITSELF, IS "SEXUAL." It's inherently "erotic." (Discuss that LATER) So PIGS are ABHORRENT & SCANDALOUS, BECAUSE they are so FILTHY WITH FOOD WHILE BEING SO "ANIMALISTICALLY SEXUAL." They're DEHUMANIZING in totality & so IF I EAT ONE, I'M TAKING THAT INTO ME AND IT BECOMES MY BODY, which therefore DEHUMANIZES ME AND I CAN'T "TAKE IT BACK/ GET IT OUT." (THE ONLY HOPE IS TO PURGE)
✳MATTHEW 15:11 & 17-20!!! GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD AND HEART! Study it extensively if you have to, but THE PIG CANNOT "MAKE YOU EVIL"!!!
● Last trauma we haven't discussed= ham is what I associate with grandma's death AND MY FAILURE TO BE THERE FOR HER ON THAT LAST EASTER, because HAM is what I ate that "SET OFF" THAT FATAL BINGE THAT LANDED ME IN THE E.R. & TOOK ME FROM HER. But... look at Matthew again. You're SHIFTING BLAME. YOU BINGED ON HAM.The PIG didn't sin OR cause YOU to! It COULD have been OFFERED to GOD as a JOYFUL CELEBRATION of LIFE like Easter "feasts" are SUPPOSED to. BUT even that WORD is "evil" & disgusting & I HATE it. WHY. = it's because in my mind/ experience, "feasts" are ALWAYS gluttonous, & eating "too much" is PUNISHED EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT OR WERE JUST THAT HUNGRY OR WERE EATING IN GRATITUDE. "Feast" means you are WATCHED & SUSPECTED & CRITICIZED & SHAMED & PUNISHED & even RATIONED. The "joy" is FORCIBLY LIMITED & therefore HOLLOW. There's NO ABUNDANCE.
● Weirdly but DIRECTLY & VITALLY RELATED is actually the GRINCH story. I hated it as a kid because the Whos were PORTRAYED & DESCRIBED as GENUINELY GOOD & NICE & FRIENDLY, and so when THEY feasted it WAS JOYFUL & GRATEFUL & ABUNDANT, & they ate as TRUE FAMILY in FRIENDSHIP together... but I had no comprehension of that as a kid. It "looked" hypocritical & performative to me because THAT'S ALL I KNEW. And I felt like the Grinch, who I ALSO "hated" AS A RESULT because he was described as UTTERLY GROSS & REPREHENSIBLE, and if "he was LIKE ME," then THAT HORRID SONG WAS ABOUT ME. And I heard the WHOS singing it, like I heard my family. And that DISSONANCE was intolerable. There they were, happy & FEASTING, yet SINGING ABOUT HOW UGLY I WAS & how they DETESTED ME & wanted NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, WHILE SMILING & EATING, and I was outside in the cold, unwanted & unwelcome & HUNGRY for not just food but LOVE & COMMUNITY & MERCY & WELCOME, but they were FEASTING on it & although THERE WAS PLENTY TO SHARE WITH ME, TOO, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE FED. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE PART OF THEM & THEIR LIFE. I'm unlovable. I'm inherently undesirable and I'm filthy. And that MAKES you a "grinch." It also means eating scraps of garbage & that becoming YOUR "normal."


✳God GAVE me PORK CARNITAS for lunch IMMEDIATELY after I wrote that ↑ & they were WONDERFUL! NO FEAR!! Which SHOCKED me. PORK is SAFE?? Ham & bacon AREN'T? At least in theory.
+ ADDING to this, God ALSO gave us APPLESAUCE... and similarly it was only "half triggering" & in DIFFERENT WAYS that I DIDN'T THEORIZE?? It also WASN'T SCARY, just a challenge. The SCARY/ DISTURBING part was the TEXTURE, & having to eat it with a spoon. It's the MESS, the SLOP, the LACK OF STRUCTURE/ FORM?? And spoons are TOTALLY chaotic, haha. There's NO SOLIDITY. But THAT'S a question = I'm aware of & dealing with the sticky/ crumbs/ spills/ etc. struggles, but the TEXTURE & FORMLESSNESS? Where is THAT rooted? Wait are they BOTH related to CHILDHOOD??? Is it tied to fear of PUNISHMENT for BEING MESSY? It also feels like "ROT" fear, like leaving food out on the counter or in the refrigerator for so long that it DOES turn to mush/ slop, and you STILL HAVE TO EAT IT?? Also, some part of me DOESN'T RECOGNIZE "LIQUIDS" AS FOOD. "Firm" things like jello & pudding don't count UNTIL/ UNLESS they start to MELT. Then the "degradation" fear happens. It's SO disturbing. And yet I don't think soup does this! Is it the WATERY NATURE that makes it safe? That seems legit actually. This concept might be "instinctive disgust" then, related to fear of eating rotten/ spoiled/ rancid food. ALSO the DENATURING. Juice in a cup is SO far removed from the reality of a fruit that it triggers some sort of kneejerk revulsion. My brain doesn't register ultraprocessed "food" as edible at ALL when that fact is apparent. And BTW YOU ARE NOT "OBLIGATED" TO FORCE-EAT THOSE FOODS AFTER DISCHARGE!! You SHOULD be choosing WHOLE FOODS to ACTUALLY FEED & NOURISH your poor body at last! Yes you CAN have something a bit processed when you eat out with mom, or when it would be MORE PRUDENT TO eat such food in a pinch or social situation; those foods ARE ALLOWED STILL; they CAN STILL BE OFFERED TO GOD IN GRATEFUL PRAISE, & they AREN'T "EVIL" OR "UNCLEAN"! You CAN worship God BY eating a bag of chips & fastfood sandwich IF you are doing so WITH the HONEST INTENTION to NOURISH YOUR BODY the BEST YOU CAN in that situation, ESPECIALLY if the EDIFICATION OF/ COMMUNION WITH OTHERS IS INVOLVED, and to DO ALL OF IT FOR GOD'S GLORY, WITH LOVE & THANKS & PRAISE FOR THE GIFT OF FOOD & LIFE & HEALING. Live FOR ETERNITY, even right now!


✳ WHY is there still so much AVERSION, perhaps a deeper FEAR, towards FRUIT FLAVORS? and fruit CUPS & JUICE?? Is this fear as applicable to those SAME fruits when FRESH? Why or why not? WHAT is CAUSING this distinction? IS IT GLOBAL or PARTICULAR?
1) Putting ANYTHING in one of those PLASTIC CUPS for "SNACKS" feels DEGRADING?? Like a "stripping of dignity." Does it make me feel like an animal? What about TEXTURE? Because APPLESAUCE isn't just "scary," it feels almost DEHUMANIZING. Like if I eat it, I'm placed in a position BELOW the dignity/ respect/ rights of a "real/ normal" person??? Is that because of the "processed/ artificialized/ denatured" aspect of ROBBING the FORM from the food & putting the resulting mush in a plastic cup? mass processed & utterly detached from TRUTH & nature as it was CREATED? and making ME eat THAT is DAMNING MY BODY/ SOUL/ FORM to the SAME???