the spectrum heart cathedral system

(miscellaneous worksheets and handout notes from sept-nov 2024 at tbhu)

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✳ ONLY setting a timer to delay disordered behavior, but NOT immediately REDIRECTING our focus to AWARENESS, only lets the stress "BOIL"? We CANNOT DENY the emotions that come up during this delay/ distraction; only to ALLOW for a time "SPACE" between to LESSEN the INTENSITY!
✳ When we interrupt our behaviors, we notice feelings of FEAR, DISCOMFORT, DREAD, ANXIETY, PANIC, DESPAIR, TERROR, HELPLESSNESS

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS WE WON'T LET OURSELVES FEEL=
FAILURE, GUILT, SADNESS, OVERWHELM, POWERLESSNESS, INTIMACY, SEXUALITY, INCAPABILITY

✳ THESE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS have THREE CHAINED RESPONSES in our disturbed mind =
1. WON'T LET MYSELF FEEL IT;
2. BERATE MYSELF FOR FEELING IT;
3. REACT DESTRUCTIVELY & VIOLENTLY TO IT

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✳ LABELING VS LEGALIZING FOODS = THIS IS HUMBLING & CONCERNING & MOTIVATING, TO REALIZE THAT (AS OF 1025) I AM APPARENTLY STILL LABELING SO MANY FOODS!! THE #1 WAY TO COMBAT THIS IS TO LET MYSELF EAT THOSE FOODS REGULARLY!! DO NOT FEED RESTRICTIVE BEHAVIOR HABITS OR MINDSETS! MOST FEAR ARE ONLY ROOTED IN AVOIDANCE/ NONEXPOSURE. The more we DO try them, the more FAMILIAR/ COMFORTABLE we'll get with them, & become OPEN & ABLE to TRULY ENJOY them!
✳ We STILL have SWEEPING CATEGORIES OF FEAR FOODS (e.g. "ALL cheese, ALL meat, ALL sugar, ALL juice, ALL snack foods) and these are ANCIENT and I'M SICK OF THEM!!! WTF IS THE ROTTEN ROOT KEEPING THESE DISTORTIONS ALIVE??? (they're seen as inherently "unhealthy/ dangerous/ fattening) FIGHT THAT LIE TO THE DEATH. ROMANS 14:2 & 14:14!! HAVE FAITH IN GOD'S GOODNESS IN CREATING ALL FOOD!!!

"What judgments crept into your head as you made your list (of "liked" foods)?"
"Do I REALLY like this food?"
"Is it BAD if I DO like it?"
"Am I ALLOWED to like it?"
"What does liking this food say about my personality/ who I am? Will liking this CHANGE me into someone I'm NOT/ don't want to be?"
"If I DON'T choose this food option EVERY TIME, does that mean I DON'T actually like it/ that I'm LYING?"

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✳ PURGING is a PANIC/ SURVIVAL/ GRIEF/ "WEEPING RAGE" RESPONSE. It seeks EMPTYING-OUT; even EXPECTORATION? "Something BAD/ PAINFUL/ SCARY INSIDE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF ME, NOW!"
✳ TYPICAL TRAUMA RESPONSE. It "FEELS LIKE SCREAMING."
✳ Purging ALSO REQUIRES INTENSE MUSCLE STRAIN/ RELIEF in the ABDOMEN, which is WHERE WE HOLD BOTH "FEAR" AND "INFESTATION/ POISON" FEELINGS

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"SAFETY CRUTCHES" = "NUMB THE PAIN"; like a DRUG (HARMFUL/ ADDICTIVE)
✳ Identify PERSONAL examples; HOW to COMBAT/ CHANGE
ASK: "WHAT INTERNAL PAIN AM I AVOIDING?" (SLC/ CNC TRAUMA; GRANDPARENT DEATH GUILT)
(THE EATING DISORDER IS A SAFETY CRUTCH!!!)

✳ We talk ABOUT our fear TOO much. What DO we deny? EXHAUSTION? TRIGGERS? (THAT'S WHAT WE DID AT RENFAIRE)

SOME POSSIBLE SAFETY CRUTCHES WE HAVE=
● LOTOPHAGOI DISSOCIATION
● ALLERGY PANIC; "IF I EAT THIS IT WILL KILL ME" CONSTANT WORRY
● OBSESSIVE NUTRITION/ DIET/ MACRO/ INGREDIENT RESEARCH
● WEIGHING FOOD? (EXACT, SPECIFIC NUMBERS "OR ELSE")
● OBSESSIVE HANDWASHING; "LADY MACBETH" CURSE FEELING
● "CLEAN" EATING SPACE/ UTENSILS OR ELSE "CONTAMINATED"
● "RIGHT" CLOTHES & TOWELS; "NEED" TO WEAR CERTAIN OUTFITS
● EXACT TIMING & ORDER OF MEALS
● PROCRASTINATING GOOD THINGS? NOT JOURNALING OR LEAGUEWORKING
● LIST MAKING, ESPECIALLY WITH MATH/ CALCULATIONS
● "MEDICATION SHOTS" "JUST IN CASE" (BENADRYL, TYLENOL)
● OVERCOMMITMENT TO HELP OTHERS; "NO TIME TO THINK/ FEEL/ BE MYSELF"
● REFUSING TO BE HELPED? FEAR OF "WRONGNESS"/ THINGS BEING "RUINED"
● CONSTANTLY ASKING FOR REASSURANCE? "AM I DYING?" "DO I LOOK SICK?"
● IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, ESP. COMPULSIONS = DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT/ LIKE

✳ I REALLY HAVEN'T "FELT" MY GRIEF AT ALL YET. ANXIETY CRUTCHES INVOLVE CONTROL AND GRASPING? TRAUMA/ FEAR CRUTCHES INVOLVE ESCAPE/ ABUSE ECHOING? (ironically they ALL FEED THE PAIN & PANIC)

"Describe a recent situation where you used a safety crutch to deal with your problems."
ANXIETY = running to stores to buy binge food (normally wouldn't even go outside), making obsessive "diet math" phone lists (for HOURS), keep seeking mom's reply (passive "did I do good?")
GRIEF = flat-out AVOIDED the topic/ REFUSED to look at it/ DENIED my emotion?? (GUILT/ SHAME/ ANGER at grief? "NO RIGHT"/ "YOUR FAULT")
TRAUMA = Turning my actions/ choices into APOLOGIES/ MIMICRY/ TRIBUTES/ RELIVING OF traumatic events; "MY LIFE IS STILL ALL ABOUT/ FOR THEM"; "abandon" self-agency & identity? "TRAPPED" in past; "POWERLESS"
✳ DISASSOCIATION kicks in AUTOMATICALLY every day. You HAVE to PRACTICE MINDFULNESS to "balance" this!

"Describe what you think might have happened had you not used a safety crutch."
I would INEVITABLY have to CATCH THE TIDAL WAVE HEAD-ON. These memories & emotions both WANT & NEED to be ADMITTED, ACCEPTED, FELT, & PROCESSED, but I keep fleeing out of the fear of drowning. HOWEVER, PROGRESS COULD FINALLY BE MADE if we just SIT DOWN & TALK/ FEEL IT OUT AS A SYSTEM!!!
✳ SAFETY CRUTCHES ONLY SEEM TO KICK IN DURING "SINGLET" MINDSETS BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONSCIOUS ACCESS TO THE "SAFETY" OF FAITH/ THE SYSTEM?? (CUT OFF FROM TRUTH/ LOVE!!)

"Did you ever try to stop using one of these safety crutches? What happened?"
YES. The anxiety SPIKES, BUT I NEVER HAD COPING SKILLS BEFORE. So it didn't last. BUT! I would REALIZE that I WAS using a crutch, and often WHY! I just didn't know what ELSE to do because the ONLY REAL OPTION was to ACCEPT REALITY & WRITE ABOUT IT, BUT my environment stressors made me feel like I COULDN'T, because it'd be "OPENING PANDORA'S BOX" and it WOULD change EVERYTHING & REQUIRE that I LIVE ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY from then on. And we WANTED to, but "WEREN'T READY"?? And I think the eating disorder would've gotten WORSE? Because if we started PROCESSING the trauma FULL FORCE, we would've TOTALLY STOPPED EATING/ SLEEPING when it got bad? We NEEDED inpatient FIRST.


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RELAPSE WARNING SIGNS=
● Skipping meals or snacks ("excess"; "greedy;" "waste of time/ resources")
● Urges to restrict foods you previously enjoyed (GUILT + SHAME response; PENANCE for "LUXURY")
● Over exercising (especially WITH RESTRICTING; motive TO "lose weight" NOT "get stronger")
● Needing to be "perfect" (LOOKS AND BEHAVIOR; fear of SPIRITUAL corruption sign otherwise)
● Increased need for control (See "uncontrolled" body as a THREAT) ("TRAPPED"; "CAGED"; seen as "ABUSIVE")
● Difficulty coping with stress ("SWALLOW" it; tend to "TAKE IN" overwhelm; LOSE "DISTINCT SELF")

MAIN TRIGGERS = SEXUALITY, VISIBLE BLOOD, SUMMER, THANKSGIVING, HALLOWEEN, TRAUMA EVENT ANNIVERSARIES, RUSHING/ NOISE, CROWDS, PEOPLE BEING SICK, TALKING WHILE EATING, EATING IN PUBLIC, CHANTED VOCAL PRAYERS, BEING TOUCHED, FEMININE SMELLS & VOICES, ETC.

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✳ DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT PERSONAL/ ENVIRONMENTAL HYGIENE HAS ON YOUR MENTAL STATE!!
When I SKIP it I feel = depressed, dirty, wrong, subhuman, humiliated, want to cry? stuck, forlorn, miserable, powerless, trapped, despondent, etc.!! BODY SPEAKS TO MIND + POOR ENVIRONMENT
When I COMPLETE it I feel = accomplished, clean, clearheaded, refreshed, positive, dignified, comfortable

PROBLEMS=
● I haven't showered in months (outside of inpatient) because of trauma flashbacks/ physical burnout
● I OBSESSIVELY HANDWASH when anxious ("blood on hands")
● When burnt-out, I don't clean the apartment for longer periods of time/ don't wash laundry
● On my worst days I don't exercise and wear dirty clothes for over a week

IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING...
✳ Get nonalcoholic mouthwash? Freshness "jumpstarts" desire to feel/BE clean all over
✳ Do ONE tiny thing, like wash your face or wipe the floor. It often gives me enough of a boost to do more.
✳ Leave laundry/ vacuum out where I can see it? "JUST DO IT" push; LAURIE WILL HELP!

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SITUATION THAT TRIGGERED ANGER=
1. Feeling "trapped" by the past because/ when mom keeps bringing it up & asking about it
2. Feeling "doomed" to do Partial aftercare, which requires being ON CAMERA for ~7 hours a day, with nonstop socializing & controlled meals

WHAT I DID=
1. Got defensive/ confrontational, responding coldly/ curtly, blaming her/ exaggerating the negative
2. Cursed, bit myself, yanked out my hair, almost vomited, SEETHED with rage/ fear, isolated myself in hallway

CONSEQUENCES=
1. No dialogue possible. Drives a wedge between mom & I. Hurts her. Corrupts me. Deep regret & shame.
2. Hurt self/ made self sick, didn't fix any problem. Made me feel like I "didn't care about" health? Miserable, scared/ ashamed/ lost.

NEXT TIME, I WILL=
1. Genuinely listen, state my confusion & fear, but also my respect/ TRUST/ love of her & willingness to dialogue/ understand
2. JOURNAL IMMEDIATELY? TALK TO A THERAPIST? And DIALOGUE with social worker? RISK IT ANYWAY?? Don't chicken out!! TRUST IN GOD & PRAY THAT HIS WILL BE DONE, then FOLLOW IT.

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IDENTITY ROLES=
CATHOLIC
ARTIST
MUSICIAN
AUTHOR
"QUEER"
MULTIPLE

IDENTITY QUALITIES=
INTELLIGENT
STRONG
INSIGHTFUL
IMAGINATIVE
COURAGEOUS
JOYFUL
LOVING

I DON'T really identify as DAUGHTER/ SISTER because I DON'T identify as "GIRL"


"ARTIST" IDENTITY
PROS= In tune with my passions & interests; love being creative; value beauty
CONS= Perfectionistic, competitive, "never good enough", "work is never done"
PERSONAL MEANING= Creator of new dreams & joys = speaks truths
SOCIETAL MEANING= Waste of time, meaningless, childish

"MULTIPLE" IDENTITY
PROS= I LOVE US ALL. Self-knowledge. RICH INNER LIFE. Spectrum soul. Deepest self-love. Purest joy.
CONS= TERRIFYING .Trauma cause. Self is "split up." Insane, scary, dangerous. "Broken." Not fit for society.

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BIGGEST "HURTS"=
● Not being TRUSTED to CONTINUE RECOVERY; ASSUME/ "DOOM" ME TO RELAPSE
● "ALWAYS" statements about eating disorder

THINGS I AM AFRAID MOM WILL SAY / MOST TRIGGERING STATEMENTS =
"So are you actually going to follow through on treatment this time, or are you just going to quit again?"
"Are you actually going to eat that or are you just going to throw up?"
"Now make sure you keep it down, I didn't pay for this food for you to waste it!"
"I don't know if I can trust you NOT to relapse"
"That treatment doesn't do you any good. You always go right back to your bad habits. You obviously don't want to get better."
"You look so much more FEMININE"
"You don't look like you're dying anymore! Now make sure you keep that weight on! Don't go right back to throwing up!"
"Well? How long until the hospital high wears off and you go right back to throwing everything up?"
"The treatment had better stick this time, because no one wants to deal with your shit anymore."
"Well, you LOOK healthier, but how long is this going to last before you go right back to your eating disorder?"
"So they fixed your weight, but how much did you hide from them about how sick in the head you are? That's why you can never get better; you never tell your doctors the truth. I think you WANT to stay sick/ you LIKE being sick."


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STRESSORS / TRIGGERS

● RUSHING
● LOUD NOISE
● FEELING HELPLESS
● DIRT/ MESS/ DISORGANIZATION
● CROWDS
● FORCED INTERACTION
● FAST PACED ACTIVITY
● TALKING A LOT
● BAD TEXTURES
● STRONG SMELLS
● "I DON'T KNOW"
● BLOCKED OPTIONS/ UNEXPECTED INABILITY
● SKILL INADEQUACY
● "BACKGROUND NOISE"
● TRAUMA FLASHBACKS
● BEING OUTSIDE AT NIGHT
● SUMMER HEAT/ SMELL
● "INTERIM PANIC"
● BEING PULLED INTO CONVERSATION
● BEING REFERRED TO BY NAME
● GENDER DYSPHORIA
● CERTAIN VOCAL SOUNDS
● FEELING ILL/ SICK/ "WRONG"
● ALLERGY PANIC
● STOMACH PAIN
● BEING LOCKED IN A ROOM
● CREATIVE SUPPRESSION
● OTHER PEOPLE PANICKING
● CHANTING
● BEING TOUCHED
● EATING AROUND OTHERS
● "I DID SOMETHING WRONG"
● BAD WEATHER
● WHINING/ COMPLAINING
● RUSHED SCHEDULES/ SUDDEN CHANGES
● NOT KNOWING THE DATA/ ANSWER
● UNRESOLVED PROBLEMS/ NO SOLID ANSWERS
● FAST DECISIONS
● NOT BEING ABLE TO FOCUS
● HAVING TO BREATHE SLOW/ HOLD MY BREATH
● PEOPLE STARING AT ME
● TELEVISIONS LEFT ON
● "TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF"
● "WHATEVER YOU WANT"
● CRYING
● FEELING UNSAFE/ TRAPPED/ LOST
● "SILLY" BEHAVIOR
● TRAUMA ENVIRONMENTS
● "HURRY UP"
● UNCLEAR/ NO INSTRUCTIONS
● FEELING LIKE I CAN'T BE "MYSELF"
● EVERYTHING ROMANTIC/ SEXUAL


✳ INTENSITY OF STRESS RESPONSE STACKS ON TRAUMA + "DISCONNECTION"
✳ STRESS BOILS OVER QUICKLY INTO ANGER = STRESS IS FEAR
✳ STRESS FOR ME TYPICALLY ISN'T A "SLIDING SCALE." IT HITS IN WHAT FEEL LIKE TOTAL EXTREMES. IT ALL FEELS LIKE A SNOWBALLING EFFECT TO DISASTER. "NEVER JUST ONE"; TRAUMA RESPONSE

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"Insult the cake" mental flexibility assignment= meant to abstractly reveal what we think of AS insulting/ deserving OF insult

"You have too many layers"
"All that icing is so excessive"
"I wouldn't want to eat purple stuff, that's gross"
"You look like you came from a little girl's birthday party" (i.e. "GROW UP")
"You'll go straight to my hips"
"You're sickeningly sweet"
"I don't eat carbs, sorry"
"Sugar is poison, so no"
"I have no room for dessert"
"What do you think you're celebrating?"
"I don't like cake"
"Dessert is a hedonistic luxury"
"You have no nutrition to offer me"
"You don't count as real food"

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PROS/ CONS for CRISIS URGE = BINGE/ PURGE!!! THAT is the MOST DANGEROUS and the one we NEVER WANT TO GIVE IN TO EVER AGAIN!!

PROS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "Stops"/numbs the panic/anxiety attacks
● "Uses up time" that is unscheduled (chaotic)
● Opportunity to think/ listen to ICC lectures
● "Enjoy" food/eating; feel "satisfied"; "fun" (picking)
● "IGNORE/FORGET" the present moment stress?

CONS OF ACTING ON THIS URGE=
● "HELL NIGHTS," E.R. TRIPS, BETRAYING GRANDMA
● PERMANENT, possibly FATAL BODY DAMAGE
● WASTES TIME, MONEY, FOOD, LIFE (BAD STEWARD)
● ABUSES body and DISHONORS GOD
● Feeds vice/ starves virtue; CORRUPTS VALUES
● TRAUMATIC forcefeeding/ sickness/ vomiting
● DEATH, DESTRUCTION, DESPAIR

PROS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● KEEP NUTRITION/ BODY UNHURT/ GET TO REST
● NO WASTING; grow in DISCIPLINE & RESPONSIBILITY
● Grow in STRENGTH OF WILL, PATIENCE, COURAGE, ENDURANCE
● TIME to do GOOD & CREATIVE things; LIVE MY VALUES
● STRENGTHEN virtue & body; preserve DIGNITY
● LIFE/ HOPE/ HEALTH/ COURAGE/ WISDOM

CONS OF RESISTING THIS URGE=
● Need to ENDURE crippling panic/ fear/ anxiety
● May feel nauseous/ sick/ overstuffed/ in pain
● May feel hungry/ unsatisfied; child "crying" protest
● Must find ways of RELAXING/ ENJOYING; NOT GUILTY
● No "rest or relief" from physical suffering


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PROS/CONS for "EATING ALL OF THE CHALLENGE ENTREES; NO CHANGES TO MENUS"

PROS =
● COMMITTED TO 100%
● FACE CONSEQUENCES MANFULLY
● "I WON'T RUN AWAY"
● SET GOOD EXAMPLE
● TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MISTAKES
● GET TO FACE ALL THE FEARS
● SEE JUST HOW I WENT WRONG
● "I CAN'T CHICKEN OUT"

CONS =
● TORTURE/ SELF-ABUSE
● BINGE BEHAVIOR; HUGE PORTIONS
● FEEL LIKE AN ANIMAL; "DEHUMANIZED"
● MAKES FEAR FOODS EVEN SCARIER
● TERRIFIED/ MISERABLE FOR THREE DAYS
● HIGH VOLUME MEALS INEVITABLE
● WILL BE STORMED BY FLASHBACKS
● MISS OUT ON SIDE OPTIONS

PROS/CONS for "DO CHANGE MENUS & CUT OUT "FEAR" OPTIONS; REFUSE TO EAT 100%"

PROS =
● PROPER EXCHANGES; OBEDIENT
● REDUCE FEAR/ ANXIETY/ DEPRESSION
● DON'T HAVE TO FORCE FLASHBACKS
● "NORMAL EATING"
● LEARN TO SAY "NO"/ "STOP"
● PROPER PORTION CONTROL
● NOT TORTURING BODY
● SENSE OF POWER/ FREEDOM

CONS =
● "RUNNING AWAY" FROM CHALLENGE
● REGRET MY COWARDICE
● HUMILIATED BY "SECOND-GUESSING"
● HAVE TO EAT TONS OF SIDES INSTEAD
● BROKEN COMMITMENT
● SCANDALOUS TO PEERS
● WASTING FOOD
● RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR

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PROS/CONS for "PUSHING MEALPLAN EXCHANGES WAY OVER LIMITS"

PROS =
● "PERFORM ABOVE AND BEYOND"
● "GET USED TO" LARGER PORTIONS
● GAIN WEIGHT FASTER FOR TREATMENT GOALS
● TRY MORE NEW THINGS
● USE FULL MEAL TIME
● "I CAN DO IT"

CONS =
● SUPER HIGH VOLUME
● BINGE TRIGGER
● COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR
● DISOBEYING INSTRUCTIONS
● MUST RUSH TO COMPLETE
● TYPICALLY HIGH IN LIPIDS
● GLUTTONOUS BEHAVIOR

PROS/CONS for "STICKING WITH THE LIMITS YOU'RE GIVEN"

PROS =
● FOLLOWING THE RULES
● SMALLER VOLUME MEALS
● GET USED TO EATING LESS
● MORE TIME TO ENJOY
● TEMPERATE BEHAVIOR
● LESS STRESS
● MEET THE CHALLENGE
● MAKE WISER CHOICES

CONS =
● "FOMO"
● "HUNGER" FEAR
● HAVE TO SAY "NO"
● TRIGGERS RESTRICTION
● LIMITS OPTIONS
● MAY FEEL "DEPRIVED"
● RESTRICTED CHOICES
● FEEL CONTROLLED

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PROS/CONS for "INTEGRATING ENTIRETY OF PERSONAL HISTORY; OWN IT ALL"

PROS =
● EVERY NOUSFONI CAN LIVE
● RADICAL SINCERITY
● OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN & PRACTICE REAL LOVE, MERCY, AND FORGIVENESS
● FINALLY HEAL THE TRAUMA
● WE CAN REMEMBER IT ALL
● WHOLENESS OF IDENTITY

CONS =
● WE MUST FACE ALL THE HORROR AND NOT DISOWN OUR FAILURES OR SINS
● MUST PROCESS DECADES OF TRAUMA
● POSSIBLE BREAKDOWNS
● REQUIRES TONS OF TIME AND EFFORT; TOTAL FOCUS
● YOU CANNOT RUN

PROS/CONS for "NO 'PAST'= CONTINUE TO DETACH & DISSOCIATE FROM THE TRAUMA, CHILDHOOD, HELL YEARS & JULIE DAYS; CUT 'NOW' OFF FROM THEN'"

PROS =
● "PURE" PAST
● FORGET WORST TRAUMA
● "THAT WASN'T ME"
● FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
● CONTINUED DISSOCIATION MAY BIRTH NEW NOUSFONI
● DETACH FROM GUILT/ SHAME
● SHUT DOWN FLASHBACKS
● "A WHOLE NEW PERSON"

CONS =
● LIVING A LIE, ULTIMATELY
● IN DENIAL OF REALITY
● UNINTEGRATED SELF
● "RUNNING AWAY"
● SO MANY NOUSFONI DENIED THE CHANCE TO LIVE & SPEAK
● MEMORIES STAY HIDDEN
● DISCONNECT FROM FAMILY
● NO HEALING PROGRESS

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PROS/CONS for "GOING TO PARTIAL WHETHER IN PERSON OR ONLINE & STICKING WITH THE PROGRAM"

PROS =
● CONTROLLED RECOVERY WORK
● OBEDIENT/ COMPLIANT/ COOPERATIVE
● GOOD EXAMPLE, GOOD CHARACTER
● LEARN NEW SKILLS
● GET FURTHER COUNSELING
● INSPIRE & BE INSPIRED BY OTHERS
● ACCOUNTABILITY FIGHTS RELAPSES
● PREVENTS SLOTH & ISOLATION

CONS =
● NO SCHEDULE FREEDOM
● TAKES UP MAJORITY OF DAY
● MAY BE ON CAMERA FOR HOURS
● NOISY, STARING AT MEALS
● POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING
● CONTROLLED MEALPLAN
● "INFECTS" HOME ATMOSPHERE
● MENTALLY EXHAUSTING

PROS/CONS for "REFUSING TO GO OR COOPERATE, DROPPING OUT AND/OR QUITTING"

PROS =
● TOTALLY FREE SCHEDULE
● I DECIDE MY MEALTIMES & MEAL OPTIONS
● QUIET, ALONE TIME AT HOME
● "PRESERVE MENTAL HEALTH"
● FOCUS ON CREATIVE WORK
● ABLE TO SAY "NO"
● ABLE TO FOCUS ON ME
● NO CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT NEXT DAY

CONS =
● "REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH TREATMENT"
● SCANDAL AGAINST CHARACTER
● HIGHER RISK OF RELAPSE
● NO "TRANSITION" PERIOD
● ISOLATION RISK
● NO NEW LEARNING OF SKILLS/ INFORMATION
● THERAPISTS/ DOCS/ FAM WILL BE VERY UPSET
● YOU WILL REGRET IT

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PROS/CONS for "ACCEPTING THAT THE WORLD WON'T CONFORM TO MY MORALS/ COMFORT; TRIGGERS ARE UNAVOIDABLE"

PROS =
● CAN FOCUS INSTEAD ON MANAGING EMOTIONAL RESPONSE & COPING SKILLS
● IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS, NOT YOURS
● CAN TAKE A STAND WITHOUT BEING CRUEL
● ALLOWS FOR MERCY
● FOCUS ON OWN MORALS
● SET A HOLY EXAMPLE

CONS =
● GRIEF, RAGE, DESPAIR RISK AT MORAL CORRUPTION
● MAY BECOME MORALLY LAX
● RELATIVISM RISK
● THREATS EVERYWHERE
● RISK OF CHRONIC DISSOCIATION
● MAY STOP FIGHTING
● BLINDED TO POSSIBLE CHANGE

PROS/CONS for "REJECTING THE FREE WILL OF OTHERS & DEMANDING THAT YOU BE 'CATERED TO' MORALLY & MENTALLY; 'DON'T DO SUCH THINGS'"

PROS =
● REFUSE TO TOLERATE MORAL CORRUPTION
● "FIGHT AGAINST EVIL"
● SEEKS JUSTICE
● MORAL STANDARDS
● ASSERTIVE OF MORAL OBJECTIVE TRUTHS/ DOGMAS
● MINDFUL OF OWN TRIGGERS & RISKS

CONS =
● TRY TO CONTROL OTHERS
● DOESN'T ACTUALLY PREVENT TRIGGERS OR FLASHBACKS
● INCONSIDERATE OF THE UNIQUE SITUATIONS OF OTHERS
● UNMERCIFUL
● NO MORAL STRENGTH
● PUT MYSELF IN GOD'S PLACE
● PROUD

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PROS/CONS for "I CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT; ACCEPT DENIALS & LIMITS IN LIFE; ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES & TAKE WHATEVER IS GIVEN GLADLY"

PROS =
● BUT YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!
● OPEN TO ADVENTURE
● INCREASES CAPACITY FOR GRATITUDE & HUMILITY
● FIND MERIT IN UNEXPECTED
● FLEXIBLE, ADAPTABLE
● FIND JOY & FUN IN SURPRISE
● POWER TO MAKE IT ALL GOOD

CONS =
● MAY START DENYING WANTS
● TRIGGER FOR COMPLAINING
● FUELS "SERVANT" MINDSET
● MAY START SUPPRESSING ASSERTIVENESS
● RISK OF CRUSHING PREFERENCES
● MAY TRIGGER POROUS BOUNDARIES

PROS/CONS for "RESIST, PROTEST, GRUMBLE, COMPLAIN, INSIST ON GETTING MY WANTS EVEN IF ITS RUDE; REFUSE TO COMPROMISE OR SETTLE"

PROS =
● "ASSERTIVE"
● "I KNOW MY WANTS"
● ABLE TO SAY "NO" & STAND UP FOR SELF
● SUGGESTS AN UNDERLYING PASSION FOR JUSTICE
● "SECURE" OUTCOME TO MY PLANS & EXPECTATIONS
● SENSE OF CONTROL

CONS =
● ARROGANT, ENTITLED
● RIGID EXPECTATIONS
● NO NEW EXPERIENCES
● UNGRATEFUL
● UNCOOPERATIVE
● NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE
● SELFISH, CHILDISH
● "MY WILL BE DONE"
● INFLEXIBLE, UNABLE TO ADAPT
● DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS AND REPUTATION

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"Write a brief imaginary two-way conversation between yourself and a person you trust/ consider a mentor, where the two of you discuss a significant problem you are struggling with. How do you imagine they would respond?"

ME= Father P., I am struggling immensely with my gender identity. I know my body is female but I have never felt happy, safe, or comfortable with it. What do I do about this? The inner conflict is agonizing.

FR.P= We all have our particular cross to carry, and this is yours-- along with being gay, as you have also told me. It isn't a sin to have these difficult feelings. It is only sinful to ACT on them, as they are contrary to nature.

ME= I understand that and ironically that's why this is so difficult. Father, I HAVE acted on these feelings before, as you know. The problem is that I STILL WANT TO, and the thought of having to live as a woman, abandoning all hope of "gender therapy," is a nightmare.

FR.P= That desire to be another gender might never go away. It might never get easier to handle. And yes, it might make you truly miserable, even angry. But a cross always hurts to carry. This isn't some sort of torture from God. This is a means to make you a saint.

ME= Father, deep down I realize that. And it does give me hope. But I cannot deny the anger and bitterness. I really don't want to be female. I'm scared. It disgusts me. I don't know how to live as a woman and I don't understand "other" women and I feel like an alien. I can't "turn off" this aversion.

FR.P= Maybe you can't. But that's where prayer comes in. You have to trust that God does not want you to suffer like this. There's nothing wrong with being a woman, although I understand you cannot accept that for yourself right now. Can you accept it for others? Is this bigger than just you?

ME= You know what? It really is. I've internalized this corrupt belief that to be a woman is to be sexual, to be defined by that and even doomed to it. I hate it. I hate sex and when I look at the new curves on this body and feel this disturbing soft roundness I want to rip it to shreds, to rip it off of me & leave only the pure fleshless sexless bones.

FR.P= You need to bring this to therapy. There is so much more going on that I cannot help you with, but a professional can. And God WILL help you through them. But you must be completely honest, and you have to trust in God's plan no matter what. He can turn even this into a means of sanctification.

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PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES
● I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED! (ESPECIALLY "LIGHT TOUCH")
● I need a small distance between me & others? ESPECIALLY WHEN FACING EACH OTHER. If I'M behind someone, the distance often CLOSES; I love closeness BUT NOT DIRECT ATTENTION.
● Please do not pick up/ move/ look through my belongings, ESPECIALLY my tablets & folders. (Clothes/ HBC doesn't bother me much?)
● Please DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME.
● I have the right to PRIVACY in MY OWN APARTMENT.
● I AM allowed to ask for closeness when I DO want it.

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES
● My creative ideas/ worlds mean everything to me. Please respect them & listen sincerely. If you're NOT interested, TELL ME. Don't make me talk about my soul to a wall.
● Do not tell me I'm "hallucinating"/ "imagining things"/ "delusional"/ "confused" etc. WITHOUT VALID EXPLANATION.
● I NEED DIALOGUE. No passive-aggression or "smile & nod" silence. BE HONEST & OPEN with me.
● I have a right to refuse to engage in hostile arguments.
● I have a right to freely express & assert my opinions.
● I have a right to change a topic I feel is inappropriate.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
● Please DO NOT openly discuss self-abuse & trauma with me IN DETAIL, UNLESS we're in MUTUAL DIALOGUE and I ASKED to know.
● I have the right to express real emotion and NOT be shamed, punished, shut down, mollified, or coddled. Do NOT treat me as a "little girl."
● I have the right to RESPECT for my emotions, NOT IGNORED or BRUSHED OFF.
● I have a RIGHT to be OPEN & HONEST about what I feel.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
● I AM A CELIBATE ASEXUAL AROMANTIC and that MUST be honored. NEVER TRY TO "CONVERT" ME.
● I will NOT tolerate sexual language, jokes, or topics.
● NO "PET NAMES"
● NO "FLIRTING"
● NO comments on "beauty" or "attractiveness"
● NO euphemisms or "feminist" lewdness
● I have the right to request MUTUAL MODESTY & PURITY, especially in dress

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES
● I have the right to NOT let you "look through" my creative tablets & folders.
● I have the right for my possessions to be kept clean & undamaged
● I have the right to OWN things, and NOT "have to" give them away/ sell them/ "sacrifice" them
● I have the right to spend my money on self-care and enrichment, not just survival
● I have the right NOT to share intimately honest possessions (books, musical instruments, plushes)

TIME BOUNDARIES
● I NEED SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF "ALONE TIME," EVEN WHILE IN A ROOM WITH OTHERS.
● I have the right to quiet, still, peaceful time
● I NEED ↑ that time to EAT. Please honor this!
● I have the RIGHT AND NEED to take DAILY TIME to journal, self-reflect, and do creative work
● I NEED time to PRAY at SPECIFIC TIMES (Liturgy, Divine Office, etc.) and I have the RIGHT to do so.
● I HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET A FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP

SPIRITUAL BOUNDARIES
● NEVER PREVENT OR HINDER ME FROM GOING TO MASS/ ADORATION, OR FROM PRAYER!!
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to witness openly to the Truth of the Catholic Faith in word & deed at ALL times.
● I have the RIGHT & DUTY to DEFEND that Faith with respect, yet fidelity. I WILL NOT BE SWAYED OR SILENCED.
● I have the right to practice the rituals & Sacraments of my faith, and to seriously request access to them.

LANGUAGE BOUNDARIES
● Please DON'T use "absolutes" or "leading questions" (UNTIL I get a stronger self-concept; these really disturb me)
● DO NOT "BABYTALK" ME. No "aww!"s or "yay!"s or "good job!"s, etc. NO "feelgood" babble. I am neither an infant nor a pet.
● DO NOT ASK ME "ARE YOU OKAY?" (unless it's PRECEDED by a casual modifer such as "dude," "kid," "hey man," etc.; this changes the entire tone)
● DO NOT USE "FEMININE" TERMS WITH ME (girl, woman, babe, honey, chica, lady, etc.)
● DO NOT KEEP SAYING "I'm sorry"; "Am I annoying you"; "Whatever you want"; "I don't know"; etc.!! ALL "cowering" language STILL triggers my RAGE RESPONSE and I cannot turn it off; this is for BOTH OUR SAFETY.

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BLOATING TOLERANCE EXERCISES

1) BLOATING IS TEMPORARY AND IT IS NATURAL. "THE FOOD HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE." It ISN'T PERMANENT, DISFIGURING, OR A SIGN THAT "SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG/ YOU DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG."
2) Bloating is NOT a "sign of gluttony" or "carnal lasciviousness"!! FOOD ISN'T PARASITIC OR A CURSE OR AN INVADER. EATING ISN'T A SIN.
3)  A LARGE STOMACH ISN'T SHAMEFUL. It's NOT a "marker of sin"!! IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU UNWORTHY OF LOVE OR RESPECT OR HAPPINESS.

✳ "touch exposure" is SO DISTURBING to me
✳ we get "mirror exposure" anxiety EVERY SINGLE NIGHT
✳ immediately after these exercises the SHAME is DEBILITATING
✳ after 2 hours there is NO DECREASE IN ANXIETY; IT'S STILL HUGE
✳ after 10 days of these exercises IT'S TURNING INTO NUMB DESPAIR
✳ THE ANXIOUS SHAME-TERROR ISN'T GOING DOWN BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE THOSE ↑ THREE DISTORTIONS!!

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QUESTIONING EATING DISORDER THOUGHTS

"Disodered thought = "To be happy/ healthy, I need to weigh ### pounds.""
HAPPY = DEFINED BY OTHERS!
HEALTHY = STRICT/ CONTROLLED; "PURE," "FASTING/ MORTIFICATION"; "HOLY" EMPTINESS. NO LUXURY/ EXCESS/ "FUN" FOOD; (SIN) "ASCETIC"; ONLY THE MINIMUM?
("FLESH at WAR with the SPIRIT")
✳ Heaviness = PRIDE? "CAN'T BE HAPPY" (SELFISH)
WEIGHT = ALWAYS a "LOWER" number; ironically being "SELF-ERASURE"; "happy" when I DON'T EXIST because "I'M" "NOT ALLOWED" TO "TAKE UP SPACE" AS MY OWN PERSON =  "MY HAPPINESS TAKES AWAY FROM OTHERS"? "Happy" when I'm SERVING/ USEFUL (NOT IN ANYONE'S WAY; "SMALL")
↑ I feel like I'm NOT SEEING THIS RIGHTLY? All I'm sure of is that "COMPULSION TO DISAPPEAR"???
✳ "the THINNER my BODY is, the MORE my SOUL can be FELT/ can LIVE" (ZERO SUM GAME)

"Alternative thought = "micromanaging my weight is a waste of time.""
MICROMANAGE = Attempt at MORAL discipline??
TIMEWASTE = HUGE SIN!!

"Disordered thought = I'm not hungry, so I don't need to eat.""
✳ MUTING "NEEDS"!! "REDEFINING/ DENYING" WHAT "COUNTS" AS HUNGER
✳ "IT ISN'T A "NEED" IF I CAN STILL MANAGE WITHOUT IT"; "HOW FAR CAN I PUSH THIS?"
✳ "NO MERCY"; NO "PREVENTION"; ONLY "DISASTER MANAGEMENT"; THE STORM "HAS TO HIT" BEFORE IT'S "REAL"
✳ ONLY CONSIDERING A "NEED" ALLOWED TO BE MET WHEN IT'S CAUSING UNDENIABLE HARM IN CONSEQUENCE OF BEING IGNORED/ SUPPRESSED; "CAN'T DENY IT ANYMORE" (ONLY eat when nearly STARVED)
✳ "MINIMUM" (again); keep body monster CHAINED

"Alternative thought = "I need to eat regularly so I can restore my hunger and fullness cues.""
SCARY; feel "controlled BY the body" (HELPLESS/ TRAPPED) and it feels like a MINDLESS ANIMAL (WILD/ DANGEROUS)

"Disordered thought = "My anxiety gets worse if I don't count calories.""
Calories seen as AMMO??
✳ FEAR that if I'M NOT "AUTHORIZING" EVERY CALORIE THAT IS "ALLOWED"/ "LET" INTO THE BODY, it's POISON/ INVASIVE??? (DEATH) FEAR OF UNKNOWN "TAKING OVER" BODY? INGESTION OF "TOO MUCH"/ "WRONG FOOD" results in SELF-CORRUPTION/ LOSS OF CONTROL/ IDENTITY??
✳ ALL ABOUT CONTROL = "DON'T TRUST FOOD OR MY BODY"??

"Disordered thought = "I'm fat. I hate my body. I don't deserve to eat.""
(SELF-DENIAL EXTREME) (TIES INTO "NEED" CRUSHING)
✳ WHY IS "FAT" "HATEFUL"??? WHY "MUST" IT BE STARVED TO DEATH???
✳ Seeing "FAT" as a "SIN" that must be PUNISHED & EXPUNGED = sees FOOD/ EATING as the "MEANS OF SIN"
✳ "DON'T DESERVE TO EAT" = THIS FRAMES EATING AS SHEER INDULGENCE???
IT ALSO MAKES EATING NOT A NEED BUT A PRIVILEGE"; in IRONIC CONTRAST to eating ALSO being a DANGER/ SIN (IRRATIONAL CONFLICT)

"What is one thing that YOUR eating disorder often tells you?"
"ALL food is potentially lethal (allergy). Every meal is a suicide risk."
"Food is sex. Eating is rape."
"You ARE what you eat. Eat the WRONG things, and they will REPROGRAM YOUR IDENTITY."
"The fatter you get, the less room there is for your soul. The food will take over you like a parasite." (suffocate)

"What could be a healthy alternative thought that you could say in response?"
"ALL food is INHERENTLY NOURISHING."
"Every meal KEEPS YOU ALIVE."
"NOT eating WILL KILL YOU, NO EXCEPTIONS!!"
"You ARE what you eat, and IT ALL IS IN GOD. It starts in LIGHT and is SHARED all the way to YOU. Eating is a PRIESTLY act!!"
"YOUR IDENTITY IS UNTOUCHABLE BECAUSE IT WAS MADE BY GOD AND DEFINED BY HIM. And food is FROM Him. Who you ARE can only be SUPPORTED by the food that GIVES HEALTH & NUTRITION TO YOUR BODY-- the VEHICLE for FULFILLING your PURPOSE here!!"
✳ PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON SIZE = YOUR SOUL FILLS YOUR WHOLE BODY. ALL OF THOSE CELLS BELONG TO IT! Besides... with ALL your nousfoni, maybe you "NEED" a bigger body to "fit" them all! ♥

"What would you say to a friend if they talked to themself this way?"
This would BREAK MY HEART. At my worst I have BRUTAL eating disorder thoughts, and they're TERRIFIED. I don't want ANYONE ELSE to suffer from these DISTORTED, EVIL LIES. In TRUTH I KNOW FOOD IS GOOD AND ALL BODIES ARE SACRED. And THAT'S what I would emphasize to a friend. I would USE SCRIPTURE for supportive proof, and FOCUS ON CHRIST/ ETERNITY where LOVE REIGNS.

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✳ BEHAVIORS TO REPLACE= BINGE-PURGING, HYPERRESTRICTING, EXTREME FOOD AVOIDANCE/ FEAR, JUDGING BODY SHAPE, "ALL OR NOTHING" EXERCISE/ EATING IN GENERAL

"What thoughts go through your head when you eat a fear food or challenge food?"
FEAR= "THIS WILL KILL/ POISON/ INFECT ME"
CHALLENGE= "I CAN DO THIS"
✳ FEAR foods are TRAUMA foods; fear of DEATH; PANIC/ HORROR
✳ CHALLENGE foods are met by DETERMINATION; gratitude, even joy (freedom)
✳ "FEAR" foods CAN be "preemptively" CHANGED (POTENTIALLY) to CHALLENGES by MENTALLY REASONING THROUGH the terror response BEFOREHAND?? This at least can ENABLE us TO challenge them, and NOT just AVOID!

"What thoughts go through your head when you step on the scale or look in the mirror?"
SCALE= "is that FAT or MUSCLE or WATER weight?"
MIRROR= "too much EXCESS" "I need to TONE UP" "I look lazy and undisciplined" "I NEED to get STRONGER" "I CAN'T LOOK LIKE [insert name here]"

"In the past, how have negative thoughts about your food/body affected the way you eat/exercise?"
EAT= KETO. FASTING. "Only CLEAN food." Minimal portions so I don't "get round or soft."
EXERCISE= 2 HOURS cardio daily. Afraid to sit down or sit still. "Doesn't count unless it HURTS."

"What are eating disorder thoughts?"
Thoughts that see FOOD as DANGER, and the BODY as a PRISON (DEVIL'S LIES!!)
They focus on PAIN/ PUNISHMENT/ LACK, NOT HELPING/ HEALING!!

"Distorted thought = "I'm going to gain ### pounds from eating that.""
WHY IS WEIGHT SO FEARED?? (tied to VICTIM vibe? "TRAPPED"; SUFFOCATE??)
✳ Seeing food as INERT matter, NOT NOURISHMENT. Weight seen as BAGGAGE, not WEALTH? "More of the world in you to OFFER in PRAISE"

"Distorted thought = "I can't eat that unless I exercise for ### minutes.""
✳ Not realizing that CALORIES are ENERGY to LIVE and your body USES THEM to EXIST; this example is a "POVERTY MINDSET"? "NO SURPLUS/ ABUNDANCE ALLOWED"; rejects the FUTURE in a sense? THIN = FAMINE = NO FOOD/ LIFE. A starved body isn't free to TAKE IN OR GIVE/ SHARE LIFE? Food as enemy = unable to FEED OTHERS (LOVE)

"Distorted thought = "I need to track my calories because I can't trust my body.""
✳ "I will only ALLOW you to eat so much (amount or kind) REGARDLESS of objective NUTRITIONAL NEED" = TO DO WHAT GOD MADE IT TO DO-- TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

Distorted thought = "Food is a foreign body"
Alternative thought= "Food is MADE for my body"

✳ WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY HEAL THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET + FEELINGS UNTIL WE ALSO HEAL THE SEXUAL TRAUMA. THAT'S WHERE THE "FOOD = INVASION" FEAR IS ROOTED!
✳ WHAT'S THE ROOT FOR BODY FEELING TERROR (belly rolls, double chin, midsection bulge)??? = "TRAPPED/ HELPLESS" "SUFFOCATION/ CRUSHED" feeling: HOW'D IT START AND WHEN?? (WERE WE EVER THIS FAT/ BIG BEFORE UPMC? OR IS THIS FEAR FROM THE BODIES OF OTHERS?)

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✳FOOD OBSESSION = "TOO MANY CALORIES" = see calories as something TO be rigidly controlled/ limited? Like ANY excess WILL "become FAT" and FAT = "FOREIGN BODY"
✳SHAPE OBSESSION = Not numbers but STOMACH SIZE/SHAPE. "Bloated/ distended"; "UNNATURAL"/ "PARASITIC"?? "Something IN/ ATTACHED to me that DOESN'T BELONG"; "HINDERING" LIFE & FREEDOM of movement? "SICK"? Like a TUMOR

In order to let these obsessions go, I need to...
✳ See food as LIFE-GIVING NOURISHMENT to be RESPECTED & STEWARDED & USED WITH WISDOM & GRATITUDE
✳ Redefine "fatness" of body; distinguish it from lasciviousness; it is NOT "in opposition" to strength & health
✳ Meet my "hunger" in different ways/ LEVELS; feed my SOUL/ MIND/ HEART every day too!
✳ Realize that food/ fatness of body are NOT "cancers" to be controlled or purged or "burned away"
✳ ACCEPT & even EMBRACE the FACT that MY BODY IS FEMALE & IS DESIGNED TO hold more fat
✳ STOP BASING MY SELF-WORTH ON STRENGTH/ POWER/ UTILITY/ AMBITION/ MASCULINE VIRTUE ↑ (BOTH FEAR OF WOMANHOOD/ FEMININITY)
✳ LIVE ETERNITY-MINDED. No matter HOW my body looks/ feels, IT WILL DIE AND I MUST LIVE WITH MY PRIORITIES SET ON HEAVEN!!

Describe what you are scared of and detail how you try to control these situations.
✳ FEAR OF "ADULT/ WOMAN BODY"!!! But it's REJECTING REALITY. Starve = stay a child. Purge = reject "unwanted bigness"?? (DO I ASSOCIATE FOOD/FAT WITH MOM??)
✳ I am actually SCARED of feeling WEAK & TRAPPED. When my body is THIN & SCRAWNY & UNDERFED, I feel UTTERLY POWERLESS and it's TERRIFYING... but when my stomach is full of food & bloated OR "fat" & sicking out, and that "extra body matter" makes it hard to bend or move or even breathe, THAT'S terrifying too, BUT not as much?? Because it at least means I HAVE STRENGTH FROM FOOD? Unfortunately the bulimia tried to "keep me thin" BUT "still eat." It didn't work.
✳ "Only eating certain "pure" foods" out of "poison/ corruption" fear, afraid of "becoming" "BAD" that I labeled foods as?
✳ CONVINCED of ALLERGIES & INTOLERANCES; convinced they would KILL me; ironically the eating disorder was LITERALLY destroying my body by NOT eating food
✳ Scared that FAT = WEAK? Ironically THIN = WEAK really. ALSO fearing FAT = EVIL? Societal lies! There's TONS of evidence of FAT = GOOD, EVEN IN SCRIPTURE! (but MOTIVE/ MEANS MATTER TOO, EVEN WITH THINNESS!!)

What works and what doesn't work about your current approaches?
✳ Bulimia is an "emergency exit" for "eating too much/ poison fear" but it SOLVES NOTHING. It only REINFORCES THE FEAR & DESTROYS MY BODY. It "kept me thin" but AT THE COST OF MY MUSCLE & STRENGTH. It turned me into a SKELETON.
✳ NOT EATING DOESN'T HELP. It STARVES my body & it STARTS TO EAT ITSELF ALIVE. I have NO STRENGTH to LIVE.
✳ My current exercise routing NEEDS TO INCLUDE WEIGHTLIFTING. It's the ONLY WAY I'm going to get "buff." Cardio is great & necessary but it's NOT going to STURDY UP MY SHAPE. Plus, the more muscle I get, the LESS afraid I'll be TO eat!!
✳ I CAN'T LIVE. There's NO TIME, STRENGTH, OR DESIRE LEFT TO DO BEAUTIFUL, POSITIVE, CREATIVE THINGS. All my fear about "how I look & feel" and my efforts to CONTROL that are a PRISON; I'm stuck in a LOOP of self-centered DESTRUCTION & MISERY.


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Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous.
THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.

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Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY.
✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"???
✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??

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✳ Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY.
✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT!
✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED.
✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DO LIKE IT??
✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever?
✳ AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.

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✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDING UNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!

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✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY.
✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG.
✳ WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!!
✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)

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✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVER THEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!

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✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).

post-breakfast//

Lovely breakfast. Fearless omelet; peeled orange with NO mess OR anxiety; lovely tea; the PERFECT english muffin! Our only troubles: we bit the muffin in a "circle" & that guilt muted the data a bit. Please quit that habit; it does not help, nor does it make it "taste better"-- it has CONSISTENTLY proven to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! (BTW the cream cheese had been stored warm so it softened a LOT and that made it SO much nicer/ easier to eat!) Our second problem ties into yesterday-- I admitted that I LIKED the omelet, orange cheese & all, but THEN my weirdo brain said, "you can't like cheese; you don't match its vibe!!" You don't "match" its flavor/ texture-- YOU'RE no ORANGE!!" Same w/ the eggs: "YOU'RE not YELLOW!! And the "salt/fat" flavors clash COMPLETELY with YOUR vibe!!" THIS IS WHY I'M STRUGGLING WITH SELF-STABILITY. I have this frustrating, bizarre, yet "understandable" CONVICTION that one's personal integrity of individual identity is BETRAYED, VIOLATED, DAMAGED, even REJECTED outright IF/WHEN someone participates in/ CHOOSES to "take onto/ INTO oneself" / associates with something that is in DISHARMONY with their "vibe" OF personal distinct self??? Like, in this situation, I'm "choosing AND liking" an orange/ yellow food, with a salt/fat (heavy) flavor vibe, a "heavy"/ "cheesy" texture, AND a "heated" association? And NONE of those match me, SO, if/when I DO eat/like them, it feels like I'm REDEFINING (FORCIBLY!!) MY OWN IDENTITY/ SELF-INTEGRITY?? And dude that MIGHT ALSO be the ROOT of the PKMN-SV "omelet dread" w/ the Professors-- THEIR vibes CLASH HORRIBLY with omelets, too-- so it's like a crash/ scream of dissonant, PAINFUL mental NOISE inside, over & over, with neither food nor person ACTUALLY changing, but also with NO resolution or harmony, so it just CONTINUES, like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It HURTS. But that explains SO MUCH, AND finally gives us the clarity to HEAL/ CORRECT the situation!! On that note, SADA DOES MATCH BOTH orange cheese AND arguably mushrooms? BECAUSE OF HER AESTHETIC INTEGRITY. So there IS a little resonance! BUT she DOES NOT vibe with the OMELET, and honestly I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THE ASSOCIATED "DEFAULT PERSON" ANYWAY, as she's NOT OURS, NOR does she MATCH US!! So LET IT GO. Pokémon has been "corrupted" by the Internet anyway, and we don't "relate to" the new games either. LET IT GO, PLEASE. I can GUARANTEE you we can find someone SAFE in the LEAGUE who CAN/ DOES match the omelet ENTIRELY. But, again, honestly? EVEN THEN, I'M TIRED OF THESE MENTAL GYMNASTICS IN ORDER TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING VIOLATED, because YES, THAT'S the CORE fear-- it's "an outside influence FORCING itself inside ME and FORCIBLY "CHANGING/ CORRUPTING" OR "DESTROYING/ REPLACING" ME in order to make "me" INTO ITSELF." It's invasive, infectuous, parasitic... a contaminant. I DO like omelets, but WHY??? Does that mean I'm NOT actually RED or WHITE? That can't be true, because although I "appreciate" Orange & Yellow AS lovely colors CONCEPTUALLY, the very THOUGHT of CHOOSING them in relation to MYSELF FEELS like "betrayal" and legit makes me sick to my stomach with existential dread. Yellow can be lovely-- daffodils & lemons & swallowtails-- BUT to choose it feels wrong. It feels like I must REWRITE my entire self-concept TO "choose" it "rightly"= OTHERWISE it's that AGONIZING DISSONANCE inside, for as long as that "violation" lasts!! INTERESTINGLY, I'm wondering if my "LIKES" within Yellow ONLY CAN exist AS "likes" because they ECHO something in MY vibe?? And feeling that out, for Yellow, it's the BRIGHTNESS-- the LUMINOSITY, the JOY, the HOPE of its vibrancy. ORANGE is similar; significantly, I DO "slightly" vibe with it, moreso w/ vermilion. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT HAS RED IN IT, YOU DINGBAT! So I can "like" it with less dissonance, BUT STILL, the thought of being ORANGE is still WRONG. As a side note, BROWN is unusual-- since I DO have brown hair/ eyes there IS some affiliation, BUT I can only really feel "right" with PALE NEUTRALS??? NEVER "orange-browns"-- we ALL know the ANCIENT DREAD I get from clay & terracotta-- and never "chocolates," either, for obvious reasons. BUT, our piano has that deep cherry-brown wood and that feels better? And I do like (I think?) certain scents of both literal "soil" and coffee? BUT NOT leather, or mocha, or caramel? I've gotta investigate more. But you can get the essence of what I'm describing. My "neutral" fondness leans red/ GOLD, actually?? I like cream tints, but NOT "light yellow" OR "light pink," even? ONLY "ROSE"? (That's pastel RED!) Honestly my vibe there is basically COSMIC LATTE, which feels ABSOLUTELY RESONANT for the record.
✳ But as this topic is SO complex it CANNOT be fully expounded/ explored here, let's return to the current applicable distress that I am facing w/ food dissonance. Right now, I am not sure HOW to admit that I DO like something "dissonant" WITHOUT mangling my sense of self/ coherent identity?



post-lunch//

✳ POST-LUNCH, THERE HAS BEEN A DISTURBING REVELATION that ironically answers this ↑ question, albeit in an unfortunate way:
APPARENTLY WE ARE SWITCHING MULTIPLE TIMES DURING MEALS, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE "SELF-DISTINCTION," BUT WE NEVER NOTICED THE SUBTLE YET NOTABLE SHIFTS BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS SEVERELY DISSOCIATED. The difference today? We noticed we LACKED BASIC DATA for pepper, turkey, AND stuffing, so when we were mindfully trying to observe it (amidst inevitable automatic memory association intrusion), we had the idea to ask, "do I like this?" And the answer was a MESS. Apparently, "NO" IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE. And SOCIALS SEEM TO EXIST VERY MUCH FOR THAT REASON!!! Because when I tried to ACTUALLY "FEEL" MY INTERNAL RESONANCE IN COMPARISON, CHANGING THE UNDEFINED, MUTABLE "I" TO MY NAME, CONCRETE & SPECIFIC-- "does JEWEL like this?" (THIRD PERSON!!! turns it to DATA, NOT MORAL JUDGMENT??)-- the answer WAS NO!!! BECAUSE IT CLASHES WITH MY SELF-VIBE!! BUT THAT'S NOT ALLOWED, NOT SOCIALLY!!! So IMMEDIATELY the mind desperately, appeasingly protests, "but I DO like it"!! AND I FELT "MYSELF" PUSHED OUT AND A SOCIAL STEP IN. And she matched the turkey's vibe, so we COULD eat it. THAT'S WHY we need to "palate cleanse" between foods, WHY we never "taste anything" at first & take ages to finally get input (which is also WHY we save "good foods" for LAST-- when we CAN experience 'em!), AND the REAL reason WHY WE "NEED" TO EAT INGREDIENTS SEPARATELY!!! Literally ALL OF IT TIES BACK INTO THE SURVIVAL MECHANISM OF IRONICALLY "FRACTURING" OURSELF IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AS A "SELF" WITH DISTINCT PURPOSE/ INTEGRITY AMIDST "INCOMPATIBLE" LIFE CONTEXTS!!!!

✳ In light of the previous two pages, AND the social turmoil of the past week, we need to try & journal about our current trauma symptoms.
(1) One VERY talkative, suffering-focused, religious patient KEEPS interacting with us in ways that are EXHAUSTING all our reserves? And we don't know WHY. She keeps GIVING us gifts, with RELIGIOUS overtones, making us feel SO guilty for NOT WANTING GIFTS, and for NOT wanting TO be "religiously esteemed" as we are an UNWORTHY, FOOLISH, HYPOCRITICAL, STRUGGLING SINNER, AND the "pushing" of religion feels wrong; it's SO intimate for me, that other people "STEPPING IN" and IMPOSING THEIR DIRECTIONS on me is legitimately traumatic; it, too, is a spiritual VIOLATION? Of someone taking hold of the DEEPEST part of me, yanking it out and excitedly shouting, "I love Jesus too! Let's chat about it and sing songs!!" But I... I feel ripped open? I can't "chat about" Jesus, as much as I try-- He's TOO close in some sense? I WANT to worship Him, AND to care for His people, BUT bringing "MY" experience/ feelings into ANY religious context feels BLASPHEMOUSLY WRONG. So people handing me pictures of Jesus covered in poetry and WANTING ME TO SOCIALLY RESPOND TO HIM AS A CONVERSATION TOPIC is morally disgusting to me, and it actually made me SO ANGRY? Like I was being trapped, forced to either reject my Savior OR to treat Him irreverently. Either I "saved face" as being "seen as a Christian" BUT betrayed my actual faith, OR I "am not a real Christian" although I'm just trying to KEEP CHRIST SAFELY OUT OF SOCIALIZATION HELLS. So THAT has me wrecked. THE TRUE "ME," WHO IS A CHRISTIAN AND DOES LOVE JESUS, CANNOT EXIST/ FRONT IN AN INTERACTIVE CONTEXT!!!!! I HAVE TRIED. FOR YEARS. BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB and so EVERY TIME-- IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY UNIQUE EXISTENCE-- I GET SWITCHED OUT FOR A SOCIAL. BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE SOCIAL, THEY ARE EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, AND SO THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE RELIGIOUS!! Without a sense OF "inner being," YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY. They are "OF THE WORLD" in order for us to "survive" in it, AND TO PROTECT ALL OUR INNER PEOPLE FROM BEING CORRUPTED/ VIOLATED BY IT AND DYING, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINE WHEN TBAS DRAGGED EVERYONE OUT INTO LETHAL SOCIAL CONTEXTS!!! So yeah, it's NO WONDER why we become SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED when we're consistently FORCED into interactive/ social situations: not only does it require ANNIHILATION of self-integrity, spiritual sincerity, AND safety needs, IT LITERALLY IS KILLING US to stay in those situations.
(2) ↑ The second big problem with this patient: SO MUCH TALK. She traumadumps AND overshares AND seeks constant validation? Like it tragically feels like her admitted lack of self-worth is driving her to almost demand approval/ acclaim? In groups & during trivia, she CONSTANTLY goes off on long, overly personal & detailed tangents, ALWAYS specifically mentioning "achievements" or "praiseworthy" things she has done, seen, OR endured?? AND we RECOGNIZE this, admittedly, with notable frustration, BECAUSE WE CAN & DO SPEAK LIKE THAT WHEN WE'RE SELF-FOCUSED & FIXATED ON OUR SUFFERING, and are SO swallowed up by self-hatred & unworthiness that our ONLY "way out"-- as far as we can see in that state-- is EXTERNAL DELIVERANCE, via reassurances that we're "NOT hateful," "NOT unworthy," that we "HAVE worth," and "HAVE suffered"!!! And she seems to be seeking EXACTLY THAT. But... there's no real room OR opportunity for that? There's NO direct asking, or revelation of motives-- JUST TALK, and constant emphasizing that she IS fighting, she IS trying, "BUT"... she also reiterates that she's "stuck" and "DOESN'T believe" the validation. So what do you do? I feel like an ass saying it but it's utterly exhausting, emotionally & mentally, trying to PROCESS the sheer amount of quickly-spoken, HEAVY personal info, while ALSO striving to figure out, "what does she WANT by telling me this? What does she NEED? And why ME? What does she see/ assume/ want in ME specifically, and CAN I even meet that need-- WITHOUT hurting my own psyche in the effort?" And the fatal problem here is... no, I can't.
(3) I STILL care about her as a human being. I even got her a gift today. BUT I DON'T want her to know it was me. If I can, I'll sneak it onto her desk. But the point is, I DON'T HATE OR DISLIKE HER. I don't want to "avoid" her or make her feel unwanted/ rejected. BUT I'M COLLAPSING UNDER THIS SOCIAL STRESS & "FORCED" INTERACTION to the point where my emotions are TANKING, I'm isolating and SELF-ABUSING and I constantly want to cry or throw up or hide or die. I can't pull my thoughts together. I cry in the showers. I collapse into bed numb, I have nightmares & fitful sleep, I don't want to wake up. ALL of that from the SIMPLE INESCAPABLE, CONTINUAL, IMMEDIATE THREAT SHE (UNKNOWINGLY) POSES TO MY MENTAL/ EMOTIONAL HEALTH & STABILITY. I'm running on empty and I can't refuel because when I sit down at my table to reflect or read or journal or work or anything,
(4) She CAN and DOES come over and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my brain just SHUTS DOWN FROM FEAR. it's overwhelming instant trauma panic. I told Staff and I assume they told her BUT she did it AGAIN, and in ANY case her preferred seat now is the "bar" table RIGHT NEXT TO ME. So the hypervigilance & "fight or flight" response prep NEVER TURNS OFF NOW. I am burned out. It's getting intolerable, as selfish as that makes me sound. But realistically, that risk of self-mangling compulsive & extensive interaction IS REAL and it IS CONSTANT as long as we're both in this unit. I pray she finds a DIFFERENT PATIENT to talk to & give stuff to & sit next to, because I AM NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE. I CANNOT MEET HER NEEDS, even though I'VE BEEN TRYING TO. It's just wrecking me and it's NOT going to help her, either. So God, please, redirect her to someone better & kinder & friendlier & STABLE! I'm just the awful disaster that God throws at people to help them realize "they deserve better." It's true. It's happened with multiple people and this is just another stitch in the pattern. I'm just not good for anyone. I'm just... not a good person. i try but I fail miserably, because I'm a hypocrite. I'm self-obsessed and stubborn and impatient and proud and inconsiderate and I hate that, I hate ALL of it, God You KNOW I honestly WANT TO BE GOOD but I CAN'T be, not on my own, not without humility & repentance & surrender, not without grace & mercy, not without Jesus. Not without God. I try too damn hard and I don't pray enough. I'm too damn scared and I don't trust enough. I'm too damn blinded by pain and I'm not grateful enough. I'm a miserable excuse for a Christian, if I even count as one. God help me, I'm so sorry I can't help her, either. All I can do is pray. All I WANT to do is pray. Take "me" out of the equation. I don't want to talk, I don't want to perform, I don't want her to look to me or even think about me. I want her to RELY ON GOD ALONE and please, please God help me to do the same.