the spectrum heart cathedral system

post-breakfast//

Lovely breakfast. Fearless omelet; peeled orange with NO mess OR anxiety; lovely tea; the PERFECT english muffin! Our only troubles: we bit the muffin in a "circle" & that guilt muted the data a bit. Please quit that habit; it does not help, nor does it make it "taste better"-- it has CONSISTENTLY proven to do the EXACT OPPOSITE! (BTW the cream cheese had been stored warm so it softened a LOT and that made it SO much nicer/ easier to eat!) Our second problem ties into yesterday-- I admitted that I LIKED the omelet, orange cheese & all, but THEN my weirdo brain said, "you can't like cheese; you don't match its vibe!!" You don't "match" its flavor/ texture-- YOU'RE no ORANGE!!" Same w/ the eggs: "YOU'RE not YELLOW!! And the "salt/fat" flavors clash COMPLETELY with YOUR vibe!!" THIS IS WHY I'M STRUGGLING WITH SELF-STABILITY. I have this frustrating, bizarre, yet "understandable" CONVICTION that one's personal integrity of individual identity is BETRAYED, VIOLATED, DAMAGED, even REJECTED outright IF/WHEN someone participates in/ CHOOSES to "take onto/ INTO oneself" / associates with something that is in DISHARMONY with their "vibe" OF personal distinct self??? Like, in this situation, I'm "choosing AND liking" an orange/ yellow food, with a salt/fat (heavy) flavor vibe, a "heavy"/ "cheesy" texture, AND a "heated" association? And NONE of those match me, SO, if/when I DO eat/like them, it feels like I'm REDEFINING (FORCIBLY!!) MY OWN IDENTITY/ SELF-INTEGRITY?? And dude that MIGHT ALSO be the ROOT of the PKMN-SV "omelet dread" w/ the Professors-- THEIR vibes CLASH HORRIBLY with omelets, too-- so it's like a crash/ scream of dissonant, PAINFUL mental NOISE inside, over & over, with neither food nor person ACTUALLY changing, but also with NO resolution or harmony, so it just CONTINUES, like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole. It HURTS. But that explains SO MUCH, AND finally gives us the clarity to HEAL/ CORRECT the situation!! On that note, SADA DOES MATCH BOTH orange cheese AND arguably mushrooms? BECAUSE OF HER AESTHETIC INTEGRITY. So there IS a little resonance! BUT she DOES NOT vibe with the OMELET, and honestly I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THE ASSOCIATED "DEFAULT PERSON" ANYWAY, as she's NOT OURS, NOR does she MATCH US!! So LET IT GO. Pokémon has been "corrupted" by the Internet anyway, and we don't "relate to" the new games either. LET IT GO, PLEASE. I can GUARANTEE you we can find someone SAFE in the LEAGUE who CAN/ DOES match the omelet ENTIRELY. But, again, honestly? EVEN THEN, I'M TIRED OF THESE MENTAL GYMNASTICS IN ORDER TO EAT WITHOUT FEELING VIOLATED, because YES, THAT'S the CORE fear-- it's "an outside influence FORCING itself inside ME and FORCIBLY "CHANGING/ CORRUPTING" OR "DESTROYING/ REPLACING" ME in order to make "me" INTO ITSELF." It's invasive, infectuous, parasitic... a contaminant. I DO like omelets, but WHY??? Does that mean I'm NOT actually RED or WHITE? That can't be true, because although I "appreciate" Orange & Yellow AS lovely colors CONCEPTUALLY, the very THOUGHT of CHOOSING them in relation to MYSELF FEELS like "betrayal" and legit makes me sick to my stomach with existential dread. Yellow can be lovely-- daffodils & lemons & swallowtails-- BUT to choose it feels wrong. It feels like I must REWRITE my entire self-concept TO "choose" it "rightly"= OTHERWISE it's that AGONIZING DISSONANCE inside, for as long as that "violation" lasts!! INTERESTINGLY, I'm wondering if my "LIKES" within Yellow ONLY CAN exist AS "likes" because they ECHO something in MY vibe?? And feeling that out, for Yellow, it's the BRIGHTNESS-- the LUMINOSITY, the JOY, the HOPE of its vibrancy. ORANGE is similar; significantly, I DO "slightly" vibe with it, moreso w/ vermilion. PROBABLY BECAUSE IT HAS RED IN IT, YOU DINGBAT! So I can "like" it with less dissonance, BUT STILL, the thought of being ORANGE is still WRONG. As a side note, BROWN is unusual-- since I DO have brown hair/ eyes there IS some affiliation, BUT I can only really feel "right" with PALE NEUTRALS??? NEVER "orange-browns"-- we ALL know the ANCIENT DREAD I get from clay & terracotta-- and never "chocolates," either, for obvious reasons. BUT, our piano has that deep cherry-brown wood and that feels better? And I do like (I think?) certain scents of both literal "soil" and coffee? BUT NOT leather, or mocha, or caramel? I've gotta investigate more. But you can get the essence of what I'm describing. My "neutral" fondness leans red/ GOLD, actually?? I like cream tints, but NOT "light yellow" OR "light pink," even? ONLY "ROSE"? (That's pastel RED!) Honestly my vibe there is basically COSMIC LATTE, which feels ABSOLUTELY RESONANT for the record.
✳ But as this topic is SO complex it CANNOT be fully expounded/ explored here, let's return to the current applicable distress that I am facing w/ food dissonance. Right now, I am not sure HOW to admit that I DO like something "dissonant" WITHOUT mangling my sense of self/ coherent identity?



post-lunch//

✳ POST-LUNCH, THERE HAS BEEN A DISTURBING REVELATION that ironically answers this ↑ question, albeit in an unfortunate way:
APPARENTLY WE ARE SWITCHING MULTIPLE TIMES DURING MEALS, IN ORDER TO PRESERVE "SELF-DISTINCTION," BUT WE NEVER NOTICED THE SUBTLE YET NOTABLE SHIFTS BECAUSE WE'RE ALWAYS SEVERELY DISSOCIATED. The difference today? We noticed we LACKED BASIC DATA for pepper, turkey, AND stuffing, so when we were mindfully trying to observe it (amidst inevitable automatic memory association intrusion), we had the idea to ask, "do I like this?" And the answer was a MESS. Apparently, "NO" IS STILL UNACCEPTABLE. And SOCIALS SEEM TO EXIST VERY MUCH FOR THAT REASON!!! Because when I tried to ACTUALLY "FEEL" MY INTERNAL RESONANCE IN COMPARISON, CHANGING THE UNDEFINED, MUTABLE "I" TO MY NAME, CONCRETE & SPECIFIC-- "does JEWEL like this?" (THIRD PERSON!!! turns it to DATA, NOT MORAL JUDGMENT??)-- the answer WAS NO!!! BECAUSE IT CLASHES WITH MY SELF-VIBE!! BUT THAT'S NOT ALLOWED, NOT SOCIALLY!!! So IMMEDIATELY the mind desperately, appeasingly protests, "but I DO like it"!! AND I FELT "MYSELF" PUSHED OUT AND A SOCIAL STEP IN. And she matched the turkey's vibe, so we COULD eat it. THAT'S WHY we need to "palate cleanse" between foods, WHY we never "taste anything" at first & take ages to finally get input (which is also WHY we save "good foods" for LAST-- when we CAN experience 'em!), AND the REAL reason WHY WE "NEED" TO EAT INGREDIENTS SEPARATELY!!! Literally ALL OF IT TIES BACK INTO THE SURVIVAL MECHANISM OF IRONICALLY "FRACTURING" OURSELF IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AS A "SELF" WITH DISTINCT PURPOSE/ INTEGRITY AMIDST "INCOMPATIBLE" LIFE CONTEXTS!!!!

✳ In light of the previous two pages, AND the social turmoil of the past week, we need to try & journal about our current trauma symptoms.
(1) One VERY talkative, suffering-focused, religious patient KEEPS interacting with us in ways that are EXHAUSTING all our reserves? And we don't know WHY. She keeps GIVING us gifts, with RELIGIOUS overtones, making us feel SO guilty for NOT WANTING GIFTS, and for NOT wanting TO be "religiously esteemed" as we are an UNWORTHY, FOOLISH, HYPOCRITICAL, STRUGGLING SINNER, AND the "pushing" of religion feels wrong; it's SO intimate for me, that other people "STEPPING IN" and IMPOSING THEIR DIRECTIONS on me is legitimately traumatic; it, too, is a spiritual VIOLATION? Of someone taking hold of the DEEPEST part of me, yanking it out and excitedly shouting, "I love Jesus too! Let's chat about it and sing songs!!" But I... I feel ripped open? I can't "chat about" Jesus, as much as I try-- He's TOO close in some sense? I WANT to worship Him, AND to care for His people, BUT bringing "MY" experience/ feelings into ANY religious context feels BLASPHEMOUSLY WRONG. So people handing me pictures of Jesus covered in poetry and WANTING ME TO SOCIALLY RESPOND TO HIM AS A CONVERSATION TOPIC is morally disgusting to me, and it actually made me SO ANGRY? Like I was being trapped, forced to either reject my Savior OR to treat Him irreverently. Either I "saved face" as being "seen as a Christian" BUT betrayed my actual faith, OR I "am not a real Christian" although I'm just trying to KEEP CHRIST SAFELY OUT OF SOCIALIZATION HELLS. So THAT has me wrecked. THE TRUE "ME," WHO IS A CHRISTIAN AND DOES LOVE JESUS, CANNOT EXIST/ FRONT IN AN INTERACTIVE CONTEXT!!!!! I HAVE TRIED. FOR YEARS. BUT IT'S NOT MY JOB and so EVERY TIME-- IN ORDER TO PRESERVE MY UNIQUE EXISTENCE-- I GET SWITCHED OUT FOR A SOCIAL. BUT BECAUSE THEY'RE SOCIAL, THEY ARE EXTERNALLY ANCHORED, AND SO THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE RELIGIOUS!! Without a sense OF "inner being," YOU CAN'T EVEN PRAY. They are "OF THE WORLD" in order for us to "survive" in it, AND TO PROTECT ALL OUR INNER PEOPLE FROM BEING CORRUPTED/ VIOLATED BY IT AND DYING, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN NORTH CAROLINE WHEN TBAS DRAGGED EVERYONE OUT INTO LETHAL SOCIAL CONTEXTS!!! So yeah, it's NO WONDER why we become SUICIDALLY DEPRESSED when we're consistently FORCED into interactive/ social situations: not only does it require ANNIHILATION of self-integrity, spiritual sincerity, AND safety needs, IT LITERALLY IS KILLING US to stay in those situations.
(2) ↑ The second big problem with this patient: SO MUCH TALK. She traumadumps AND overshares AND seeks constant validation? Like it tragically feels like her admitted lack of self-worth is driving her to almost demand approval/ acclaim? In groups & during trivia, she CONSTANTLY goes off on long, overly personal & detailed tangents, ALWAYS specifically mentioning "achievements" or "praiseworthy" things she has done, seen, OR endured?? AND we RECOGNIZE this, admittedly, with notable frustration, BECAUSE WE CAN & DO SPEAK LIKE THAT WHEN WE'RE SELF-FOCUSED & FIXATED ON OUR SUFFERING, and are SO swallowed up by self-hatred & unworthiness that our ONLY "way out"-- as far as we can see in that state-- is EXTERNAL DELIVERANCE, via reassurances that we're "NOT hateful," "NOT unworthy," that we "HAVE worth," and "HAVE suffered"!!! And she seems to be seeking EXACTLY THAT. But... there's no real room OR opportunity for that? There's NO direct asking, or revelation of motives-- JUST TALK, and constant emphasizing that she IS fighting, she IS trying, "BUT"... she also reiterates that she's "stuck" and "DOESN'T believe" the validation. So what do you do? I feel like an ass saying it but it's utterly exhausting, emotionally & mentally, trying to PROCESS the sheer amount of quickly-spoken, HEAVY personal info, while ALSO striving to figure out, "what does she WANT by telling me this? What does she NEED? And why ME? What does she see/ assume/ want in ME specifically, and CAN I even meet that need-- WITHOUT hurting my own psyche in the effort?" And the fatal problem here is... no, I can't.
(3) I STILL care about her as a human being. I even got her a gift today. BUT I DON'T want her to know it was me. If I can, I'll sneak it onto her desk. But the point is, I DON'T HATE OR DISLIKE HER. I don't want to "avoid" her or make her feel unwanted/ rejected. BUT I'M COLLAPSING UNDER THIS SOCIAL STRESS & "FORCED" INTERACTION to the point where my emotions are TANKING, I'm isolating and SELF-ABUSING and I constantly want to cry or throw up or hide or die. I can't pull my thoughts together. I cry in the showers. I collapse into bed numb, I have nightmares & fitful sleep, I don't want to wake up. ALL of that from the SIMPLE INESCAPABLE, CONTINUAL, IMMEDIATE THREAT SHE (UNKNOWINGLY) POSES TO MY MENTAL/ EMOTIONAL HEALTH & STABILITY. I'm running on empty and I can't refuel because when I sit down at my table to reflect or read or journal or work or anything,
(4) She CAN and DOES come over and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my brain just SHUTS DOWN FROM FEAR. it's overwhelming instant trauma panic. I told Staff and I assume they told her BUT she did it AGAIN, and in ANY case her preferred seat now is the "bar" table RIGHT NEXT TO ME. So the hypervigilance & "fight or flight" response prep NEVER TURNS OFF NOW. I am burned out. It's getting intolerable, as selfish as that makes me sound. But realistically, that risk of self-mangling compulsive & extensive interaction IS REAL and it IS CONSTANT as long as we're both in this unit. I pray she finds a DIFFERENT PATIENT to talk to & give stuff to & sit next to, because I AM NOT THE RIGHT CHOICE. I CANNOT MEET HER NEEDS, even though I'VE BEEN TRYING TO. It's just wrecking me and it's NOT going to help her, either. So God, please, redirect her to someone better & kinder & friendlier & STABLE! I'm just the awful disaster that God throws at people to help them realize "they deserve better." It's true. It's happened with multiple people and this is just another stitch in the pattern. I'm just not good for anyone. I'm just... not a good person. i try but I fail miserably, because I'm a hypocrite. I'm self-obsessed and stubborn and impatient and proud and inconsiderate and I hate that, I hate ALL of it, God You KNOW I honestly WANT TO BE GOOD but I CAN'T be, not on my own, not without humility & repentance & surrender, not without grace & mercy, not without Jesus. Not without God. I try too damn hard and I don't pray enough. I'm too damn scared and I don't trust enough. I'm too damn blinded by pain and I'm not grateful enough. I'm a miserable excuse for a Christian, if I even count as one. God help me, I'm so sorry I can't help her, either. All I can do is pray. All I WANT to do is pray. Take "me" out of the equation. I don't want to talk, I don't want to perform, I don't want her to look to me or even think about me. I want her to RELY ON GOD ALONE and please, please God help me to do the same.