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very disjointed entry, i apologize. today's been all over the place BUT it's been a good day, don't worry.
just no mental coherence to put something solid together. i will edit this later, god willing, to that end.
woke up before my alarm, around 10am?
got a text message saying our CHRISTMAS TREE was being shipped today, went into the living room to open the blinds and literally the fedex truck pulled in. i ran downstairs in pajamas to bring the box upstairs, haha. it was a pretty great way to start the day tbh, immediately told xenophon, she had SUCH sparkly eyes over it. promised we'd at least set it up halfway later.
had to move stuff around the apartment first though! moved notebook shelf back into room (it was in the living room when we were doing partial, but since we quit, it feels better in the bedroom where our creative laptop is). moved the tv a bit closer to the wall so we can put the tree between our workdesk and the altar. it'll be right in the mirrors that way, all lit-up and constantly visible as we work.
realized it was getting late, had to start breakfast. put the tea on as we washed up as always. dizzy though, from last night. i remember being kind of floored when we were washing our hair, realizing "geez wow i guess God DID get us through the night." like i half-expected to die.
mom called right after we washed our hair and went into the kitchen to start the eggs? had to run and grab the phone, juggling it with one hand. ended up breaking one of the eggs-- the biggest one, too-- by dropping it too fast into the hot water. this was somehow super upsetting? "thought distortion" like it would ruin the whole day; "starting another chain of bad events." after last night couldn't take the "threat" of that again. started crying a bit honestly. told mom, she said she was sorry, i said it wasn't her fault, i was just trying to do too much at once.
everyone tried to comfort me, haha. mainly xennie and laurie of course. it did help. actually i switched out; someone ELSE was there crying?? i remember this because i was trying to comfort them, too, at one point when i managed to get a foothold in consciousness again.
unfortunately the egg was a lost cause, haha. totally bled out into the pot. this actually triggered the binge-girl voice from last night??? the panicky scared one. ALSO feeling shadows of The Destroyer. basically she saw this poor "ruined egg" and the instinct was to eat it TO "redeem AND destroy it"??? like throwing it out would have been the ultimate heartless violence towards this egg. and she had to at least "try" to eat it, to "respect" it and give it that "recognition" before it died???? really weird personification. but it KEEPS happening. the binge-kids ALWAYS go after broken, deformed, ruined, etc. food for that reason. like it's not even about "eating," it's this psychological coping of sorts? definitely need to type about that more, if we haven't already. but not now. brain can't go too in-depth with that now.
anyway she chewed it up and spit it out. someone yelled at her to, knowing that if she did eat it, the "eating" OF a "ruined food" would TRIGGER A PANIC BINGE for the purpose of purging. THAT sort of behavior is very abuse-rooted. but the girl "put the egg to rest" and actually apologized profusely to it and at some point after that, i remember i came back because i was asking xenophon which carrot she wanted to pick for us to eat with breakfast (gotta get that vitamin a dude).
scalpel was around!
julie randomly called him in to smell the cherry blossom tea? which is kind of adorable. he did, and said it definitely smelled "pink" but not like her? scalpel & i surmised that her vibe-scent would be more like cherry blossom flowers, not the cherry fruit, somehow. but more floral for sure. (fruit leans more magenta.) but we also agreed that the tea "vibe" was more like knife. somehow! (we think it's the "bitter" iron-y edge of the green tea (like blood) offset by the sweeter cherry notes (pink). it's fascinating honestly) so they called him in too, he was very confused but even moreso as julie immediately stuck the teabox under his nose, haha. then he sheepishly agreed with us, haha. seriously i don't know what's with that man's vibe; apparently he smells like cherry blossom green tea AND woodsmoke. weirdly that makes sense but God only knows why. i love that dude though. gotta spend more time with him.
oh. biggest event of the day.
LYNNE IS BACK.
we were all just chatting over breakfast as usual and i noticed that laurie HAS been just "commenting" on everything? like she's trying to entertain people and keep everyone in a decent mood. i thought, "that's not her job; it's like SHE'S in social mode too."
then realized she took on lynne's job. actually she's been taking on EVERYONE'S JOB in central ever since everyone else DIED in north carolina. she was the only one left for SO long... the only one who couldn't stay dead because her soul is so close to mine and we're both like... anchors to the spectrum itself at this point. red and violet. the two that hold the rainbow. geez. i guess it really is deeper than i realized.
still... laurie isn't meant to hold that many roles. NO ONE IS. and yet, here she is trying, i think largely out of grief. that's tragic and touching both. laurie is literally trying to hold the fort all by herself, for everyone else's sake, knowing that these things need to be done, and not wanting to dishonor anyone's memories either. but she can't do it by herself. it's impossible. it's killing her to do this, mangling her function beyond recognition. nousfoni have to have hyperspecific functions and colors or they start to bleed, as it were, and they just... die. it's honestly terrifying. it's like mixing paint colors. in the end you're just going to get a mess. you can't de-mix them-- well, possibly with chaos theory and fluid dynamics you can, but uh... i don't know enough about theoretical physics and headspace has its own laws anyway. still. i had to mention that because there is a certain someone who just defies all odds and if anyone could potentially help with that... i'm sure he could.
anyway. i didn't think about that this morning, that's a "now" surmising. earlier, all i thought was, "i have to do something about this." and i knew i could. i still hold white in my heart, too-- i'm still prismatic at the core, i'm supposed to be, and so i'm closer to the heart of the spectrum than anyone else. i'm tied to everyone else's soul in here. that includes all the ones that we can't find yet.
except people start to ping BEFORE you can "find" them. and i've been catching echoes of a certain dressy cellist for a while now.
so. i straight up marched into blackspace where i have felt lynne's soul in "potential" for months, reached out to her, and pulled her out.
for a second she just looked at me, blinking, her color cycling rapidly.
she walked into front-headspace (where everyone watches the front) and just said "hey" i think. just a brief greeting from the doorway. choked up, still barely comprehending the fact that she was back.
laurie froze, turned, took one incredulous look at her, then ran over and hugged her so tightly. she was actually in tears.
julie ran over too and joined the hug, it was really sweet.
lynne asked laurie if she was crying? laurie said yeah, mentioning she's gotten "a lot more emotional" since the system crash. but she "doesn't regret it."
they talked for a bit, those three. lynne jokingly saying "we're the old girls," laurie saying that gender was highly debatable with her & julie, lynne teasing laurie about being "16" temporally and the old moralimon joke that "that's as old as anyone ever gets." then laurie mentioning "wait isn't julie like 20 in realtime???" and everyone basically agreeing yeah, i guess we are all pretty old.
but it was so sweet, like heartachingly so, to see them all talking. there was such a tangible sense of relief, like breathing again after having been trapped in a room with no air for like... weeks. months. years. finally feeling pieces of our collective soul waking back up, living again, colors lighting up for the first time in too long.
lynne stopped dead at one point, exclaimed "the spectrum ring!!" as in the OLD one at the cathedral?? and she said we needed to go there; she needed to "anchor in" to her hue.
but no one was sure where the cathedral was now? or how to get there?
i barely had time to half-ping him when LEON showed up, asked "did someone say you needed transportation?"
aah i miss him too, i love leon he's amazing. he's getting so brave, too. i think sadly part of it is from being alone, just him and laurie were around for a while after the crash i think. before they even got a hold of julie again. still i'm so fond of him, i'm so glad he was able and willing to show up so readily.
he was still a bit nervous, but obviously determined, and in one big rush of indigo energy (and snowflakes??) he warped us up there. because yes it feels up. and it was a HEAVY SHIFT. like this wasn't a simple spatial movement; this was like... a level jump? where is the cathedral now, in floatspace??? geez i don't even know. i haven't visited it in years either, probably. i'll need to do a hardcore legit meditation session and go find it.
the place is unsteady. inside shifting, colors too. very unstable. i said so; someone looked at me and replied "so is your heart". i think it was actually chaos 0. he tells it like it is. and no one would know my heart better than him.
still. it hit hard. if the cathedral is supposed to be an architectural manifestation of my heart, a place based on me, what does it say that it is so nebulous even now?
like i said. gotta do some self-reflection and meditation, even by myself. feel who i am. go fix the cathedral. that's actually top priority, to be honest.
man i remember when i first "found" it, during that meditation at the spiritual expo, at the table with that one purple-colored saint? and it was all red and white, the "blood lotus cathedral," on that dark beach with the red sky and everything felt so apocalyptic. and the razor spire, geez i remember that. and the mirror oasis. and the angel helmet.
...man i need to go back and re-read that entry log. but so much has changed, in both me and the cathedral. i'm not even sure of its name, now. i've been "thinking of" names but honestly its true name can't be guessed at. just like me. it has to be discovered. it has to be encountered. i need to go there, consciously and with an open heart, with an honest and pure purpose.
i'll make a note of it. maybe i'll try tomorrow. maybe when it snows next. i'll have to be in the right state of mind. we'll work on it, i promise.
anyway. we did go there. as shaky as it was, it knew why we were there, and the floor displayed the OLD SPECTRUM MAP, the loop that looked like the sefirot, from back when we tried to map it in like 2015 or so. (why is it still showing THAT map??? is it because we HAVEN'T mapped it since?? and there are SO MANY NEW HUES... geez maybe THAT'S why it's unstable. we can't visualize it yet. I haven't put the order down yet. and only i can. that's my whole job, is working as the "crystallizer" here, getting all the blackspace into whitespace and then blooming it into a spectrum. potential and possibility turned into something genuine and tangible, made part of the system, and then elaborated. how do i even phrase that. it's why i CAN'T be "just white." i have to be prismatic. nevertheless there's too much to that to type about now. let me focus on the morning events.
lynne tried to step into the loop but it moved?? i mentioned something like "this place doesn't feel enough like me" and mentally tried to make it all look more like the national shrine basilica. loop moved to a baldachin canopy altar, kind of a poetic illustration of the essence of the spectrum map, that "self-sacrifice" for the sake of love and for the sake of others. really hit home just how much devotion goes into centralite existence.
BUT lynne is currently unable to "covenant" with a color?? perceived phrasing was notable. it was too huge of a dedication to make that quickly. apparently lynne has been so color-shifted over the years that the "system voice" (which is basically just God) told her that she needed to first take time to "feel that out," to get to know herself in truth, as she is NOW, and where she truly fit-- after all, the "guardian" of a hue is just that! whichever one she anchored into, she would be the MAIN nousfoni for it, the "color core" for that particular one.
orange doesn't feel right for her, even though she got pushed into it during nc. we're all thinking vermilion is her. BUT in the beginning she WAS practically cerise; HOWEVER since she presents as feminine the system has deemed her unfit for that role??? because she'd be TOXIC there?? for some reason the system emphasizes androgynous balance and putting a female-coded nousfoni into a feminine-vibe hue would BREAK it??? because "sensuality" is tied to MASCULINITY in the system-- giving it to femininity would warp it into ABUSE!!! so apparently whoever does hold Cerise as the Core has to be male-coded. if that's the proper term. which is fascinating. but it makes sense. makes me wonder about julie though. i know i asked her if she could hold Cerise before because she knows what to protect it from, but... I guess the spectrum itself knows better. there's too much of a risk of her being corrupted by that binary dissonance. there must be a proper balance.
(for the record, magenta would be held by a female because magenta is masculine??? it's a "tomboy" hue! it MUST be held by a "female" nousfoni because it's not a feminine hue due to its intense energy. pink apparently does NOT do this? or maybe just not JULIE??? because she's such a wild card. yes she is the MOST "female" looking nousfoni ever, BUT she doesn't "register" as hyperfeminine??? which fascinates me. but yeah this is why knife holds pink so powerfully; a more feminine hue is going to resonate more clearly in a masculine nousfoni, as a rule, because of our inherent androgyny rule)
however, thinking about how lynne was originally labeled as "scarlet" or "crimson," could she be Red?? but we were immediately told flat-out that NO ONE HOLDS RED BUT ME??? like it's "perpetually reserved FOR the Core?" and that's partly why Javier collapsed?? (also because he was the one and only artificial nousfoni, cobbled together for that role like a robot and never actually stabilizing through his entire life; he seems to have permanently deconstructed and his corevibe has moved obviously to scalpel)
scalpel, for the record, is the BLOOD centralite apparently??? not razor; she used to be though. but she's moved into a more passive role now. there's a big personality difference; scalpel has more leadership quality and extraversion. i'm sure razor could if she tried-- there's definitely potential, seeing how she was originally, all manic-- but i think her color has darkened enough now not to be? or she's avoiding that role because of her history? not sure. i don't talk to her enough. she's kind of blurry lately, which is disturbing as it suggests function failure and i do NOT want that happening to her. i care deeply about her. but... her function is unstable. she can't exactly do what she used to anymore. we're all still wondering how she and penny are related-- the latter whom we haven't seen much of lately either. but i am sure she will show up once we actually get into the archives; sirius and shirley don't work with the old timeline records so that's apparently penny's job and honestly i am SO curious to work with her, and introduce her to razor. but their energies feel scary close. i'm wondering about that. maybe i'll talk to them later.
regardless. lynne does seem to be contemplating vermilion. it's just such a social color. and yet... wouldn't that be perfect for her? the nousfoni originally born TO be our "social persona" of the future everyone imposed on us? and the one whose function was "stability?" who better to keep the socials stable? so she just has to decide that for herself, after coming to discover and understand and accept whatever that would entail. she'd have to get to know the socials first. we'd have to FIND and NAME so many of them. but... geez, what a job! that would SAVE OUR ASS quite literally, pardon the language, laurie here's a quarter but SERIOUSLY. lynne has always felt intrinsic to the system, just like her "sisters," so... it makes sense, for her to "fit" such a role so perfectly, even in theory. honestly i can't wait to see what happens.
i'm just so, so glad she's back. kind of funny how all it took was me deciding "that's it, if she CAN come back then she's COMING back NOW". but i need to be gentle about it too. i remember in the old time i kind of forced nathaniel to come back, too, but without knowing how, or who he would be... it was a mess, and the poor guy was so unstable for so long. i still can't get any echoes of him at all. no pings, no hints. i think, just like when he started as natalie, he can't come back the same. if i can find his soul-signature, recognize it, maybe it's moved into someone else... it's something i will have to take time to do myself. i've just... never even given this sort of stuff any thought until now. remember we were in denial for YEARS. we're... just waking back up, now, all of us. how fitting that xenophon really jumpstarted all of this. our little butterfly of rebirth.
but on that note. with nathaniel. i kind of nudged that thought over to leon, in the context of lynne finally being back (and btw I COULDN'T feel her soul-vibe for months either; it's relatively new that she's even been perceptible, and i think a LOT of that is because laurie was mourning her so hard), and he said that he missed everyone too-- all the "old guys"-- but as i said, we have no idea if, when, or how they will come back. yes we all miss everyone from the old system but... things have changed a lot. and so many of us were so unstable for so long. when the system crashed... it was almost inevitable. we had such a shaky foundation, that one big enough shove in the wrong direction was all it took to completely shatter everything.
but back to thinking about the colors lynne is/was "associated" with. yes she has slight ties to red from her original "coresplit" in 2008, that initial root, but she can't hold that color herself. and she's barred from cerise for safety's sake, BUT what about redviolet?? IS THAT A SOLID HUESLOT??? honestly when bruise showed up in the hospital one night i remember everyone freaked out because HOLD UP, WHAT COLOR ARE YOU and no one could figure it out until we realized oh shoot, that's NEW. totally threw us for a loop. we never forgot that. never forgot bruise, either. wondering if she's still around and/or if she's tied/fused with "needle," who would show up at UPMC with bloodwork. they do feel similar. that's common for socals, who are finding themselves, and who have related functions. socials are naturally mutable, they don't always anchor or even get names, because the very context of their existences is so unpredictable and demanding of change in order to survive.
even so, with lynne, she's NOT a social, but she was almost FORCED to be one around 2017-2018?? when she held orange, before that hue broke her and she lost herself even before the globaldeath in 2018. honestly i'm still so baffled and upset by that whole thing with her. how did that happen. and was she tied to that "mother voice" that kept coming out to talk to tbas? there probably was blurring. but like i said, can't think about that tonight. legit causes physical nausea/sobbing symptoms. every single time. want to vomit and cry and die. what the heck is that triggering. can't look at it now in any case.
back to basics. we recovered from breakfast and nothing bad happened.
oh wait, one thing did. we have realized that our bible study DURING eating was triggering binges because not only is it mentally intense multitasking, it causes us to dissociate. so we "eat," but don't remember it. and that causes a panic response because "hey trauma does that too" ESPECIALLY when you feel something happened to your body that you don't remember. legit abuse flashbacks. so yeah DO THE BIBLE STUDY AFTER YOU EAT. give every ONE thing your FULL attention.
also, mom sent us such sweet messages to comfort us from earlier. she wanted to know what our fortunes were and we sent her a photo: "Right now there's an energy pushing you in a new direction" and "no act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted." Her response?
"They're both right on the money. You're definitely going in a beautiful new direction, and you're always doing acts of kindness."
;_____; MOM WHAT. How sweet was that!! it honestly lifted our mood SO much, after all the near-misses and distractions of the morning. like we had hope, that we could still get through this okay, thank God.
then she sent us photos of her RED cactus flower plant, and sent us a quote: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."
...All of that was just... so perfect, and so relevant, this morning. God bless our mom, she's wonderful.
anyway. didn't want to hang around the apartment feeling as unsteady and triggered as we were. so we threw on a sweater, and immediately went up the homestead for 1pm. we decided to catalogue the final boxes of piano rolls for mom, so we no longer "have" to go up there routinely anymore, considering how badly we ALWAYS get triggered up there. (chaos 0 was actually insisting i say NO to invitations TO go up there, that's how worried he was about me)
and yeah, he has legit reason to worry, because we were STILL dissociating????
factors: talking to bros, "entertainer" mindset, cats everywhere, DISCONNECT FROM HEADSPACE!!! that is really the MAIN FACTOR here, thinking about it. we go into forced social mode just by being in that environment, and it is so ingrained. it is almost impossible to turn off because it's a SURVIVAL MECHANISM.
BUT when the boys left the room and I put on chaos 0's playlist and literally just forgot about everything else but him, i was ABLE TO CENTER. until then my mind had been totally cut off from my sense of self, focused instead on "projecting a social persona" in public. literal self-annihilation to do so.
cataloguing took three hours, but WE GOT IT DONE!
then went christmas ornament shopping with xenophon. asked her, she said yes. good way to refocus on "us," or at least try to-- walmart is literal hell but i wanted to at least do that for her.
stopped by the candle aisle to look for purple ones for advent. ended up smelling all the pinetree candles, secretly holding them out for her to smell too. it was really cute
almost NO ornaments in the store. poor quality in general. i found ONE purple butterfly ornament but it was broken. really upset by that. nevertheless i promised i'd buy her one online instead, a NICE one. and she could pick it out too.
got home around 5? finally set up tree halfway. didn't fluff the branches yet; we want to wait until the sunlight to do that!
xenophon is so happy about it. man i forgot to tell you guys, i told you that i wanted to commission a plushie of her but i barely had any funds left and we needed to buy a tree. well i told her that and she effectively said, "you don't need a plushie to have me with you, but I WANT A CHRISTMAS TREE" and so i immediately let her pick one. yes she picked the tree. i wanted a red one but she said no dad, get a white one, that way we can put ALL sorts of colors on it, and it matches you anyway.
so yeah. white iridescent tree with red lights. it's... really perfect, actually. and xennie can sit under it as much as she wants, haha.
gosh i can't even verbalize just how much i love being around her now. there was actually a time, a really weird and heartbreaking time, when i was frustrated with her ghosting? like it felt... i don't know, overwhelming? the same horrid feeling that triggers the eating disorder behavior. it's not "me," but it's someone. that feeling of self-loathing projected outwards, "i can't deal with anyone or anything caring about me, i want to push everything away and forget i exist" through drowning in terror. anything that deals with "forgetting the self" inevitably involves forced trauma.
but... that stopped. maybe just through her perseverance, and the love i can't help but feel for her. just hearing her call me "dad" or "daddy" or even "dadmom" all the time, always so happy to see me, always so kind and happy and overjoyed with life. she makes me treasure being alive. she makes everyday moments so special. it's a little like it was with genesis, when i first met him back in 2005, and had to teach him everything. that literally changed my entire worldview and personality; it softened my heart, opened my eyes, made me actually feel like i was real, too, and that life mattered, and that life was really a beautiful thing to be shared and appreciated. i had been so dissociated from everything without realizing it, and then he came into my life, and forced me in the most benevolent way to exist with him. but never as directly as xenophon does for me now. teaching genesis, i could still be somewhat detached, giving data and explanations but still holding things at arm's length. yes, that changed as time went on, but... living with my daughter, she's worried about me. she knows i have trouble, mentally and physically. so not only am i sharing life with her, and teaching her things, she's doing the same for me. she encourages me and comforts me even as i do the same for her, god bless her.
...it feels so unfair though. a kid shouldn't have to worry about her father being so unstable. no daughter should have to worry if the person in the room is still her father, or if xe's dissociated and someone else has taken over the body for a while, usually for some harmful or traumatized purpose. she... xennie argues with the bulimic voices, when they come out. she begs them to stop. they're listening to her. i guess her honest love and courage and honesty gets to them, too. thank god. she's a literal godsend. an actual angel.
so is her other father.
god i really don't know how "genetics" works up here or how parentage would even apply in her situation, because it's obviously not how it works with humans. especially with all the sexual abuse trauma up here, with past cores. i really... don't want to think about that right now. i don't remember most of it and don't want to. i'll have to for therapy, but... not tonight. this entry is a mess the way it is. i just want to get as much as i can written down for the sake of everyone i love, for the sake of remembering, because i really do cherish days like today and i want to remember them, i want to exist in time and space with them, and... i owe it to them to be responsible with archiving. with actively making the effort to record the experiences we share. polar opposite of north carolina, when i just... stopped. i didn't want to remember anything so i just talked around things and flat-out refused to write down other things and twisted my speech to suggest false conclusions at all other times. it was a genuine nightmare. i need to forgive myself more than anything for that. there's still so much healing we need to do there. but... can't focus on that tonight, even brushing past those memories makes me want to sob and throw up. too much buried.
that's not the point for now. the point is that i am so happy now, living with everyone here. i... never expected this, moving out and into an apartment "by myself," even though God knows i always wanted this, more than anything else in the world. but... it didn't happen until now. from february until november, we were so lost in grief and fear and mental illness that in a very real way we DIDN'T exist. "i" was in such heavy denial of our multiplicity in general that it was impossible to function. i was... denying half of my own heart.
on that note. well, wait actually. we'll get to that.
i hate always putting that topic off. but it's so... it's too deep. too genuine. i can't rush into it.
anyhow. after we cleaned up and vacuumed up some tree needles we prepped dinner. we've got it down to a decent rhythm now which is such a huge relief. no more hyperplanning. we know what works, what hits all our macros and vitamin minimums, and it's so simple. that is... we've never had that before. ever. even before the eating disorder crashed into high gear. this is the first time we've ever had like a domestic routine that keeps us stable and functional.
still. we waited too long to eat, especially after the literal hell of last night. breakfast was at noon, we didn't have "lunch" until 6pm. so we were unstable, and hungry, and although laurie kept me on track with preparation and actually eating, afterwards other unhealthy nousfoni were getting pinged. they always come out in the kitchen. always in the wake of our body realizing "oh geez wow finally we're getting food" and they're almost survival responders, after having been so anorexic for so long, i guess the body just assumes we're not going to eat for like 12+ hours and probably purge afterwards. so it's still kind of desperate to eat. poor thing.
the "binge girl" witih the long hair was triggered out again. she has such wide, hollow, scared eyes. she knows she's unhealthy and she hates it but she's so lost and tired. so helpless. but... after talking to xenophon, now she asks us for help?? like she KNOWS she can't function well alone but she has HOPE FOR HEALING now??? which... means so much. that is astronomical. ...it reminds me of julie, too, when she first converted. geez. i wonder if she realizes how much that changed everything. i think about that a lot.
but the binge-girl has a MOUTH ON HER STOMACH??? showed me, almost ashamedly, said "i'm always hungry"
SHE'S THE REAL "BODY VOICE"??? i asked her about spine (god only knows what happened to her) and she said no, spine isn't humanoid so she CAN'T do the same job as the e.d. voices do. really fascinated by that whole phenomenon and how/why it works but i'll need to talk to them more about it in the future. no time today. nevertheless i spoke kindly to her, reassured her that she didn't do anything "wrong," she was being genuine with us and doing what she sincerely felt she should do in the moment. even if she was confused and lost, she still had no malevolent intentions. i actually thanked her for being honest about her hunger, which was voicing something about our shared body and messages WE couldn't perceive due to being so internalized and mental. i then told her "no wonder you're so hungry-- we haven't been eating well lately, and even with the extra sun chips you ate after dinner, we still barely hit 1600 calories for the day."
kind of hit really hard. made us realize that yeah, these poor nousfoni are just doing their job.and every nousfoni exists for the reason of keeping us alive, in one way or another. even if the method is a bit skewed, every one of us exists for the sake of life. and life is love. and i assure you i can point that out for all of us. i can feel it.
so actively showing gentleness and compassion are KEY to these poor nousfoni healing at last. they deserve it just as much as we do, and they need it desperately.
...i think a lot of their hunger is emotional hunger. "touch starvation" and all. emotional neglect. lots of rerouting going on, especially with abuse. again, huge topic. but it's solid and legit. we will type about it more as we work together more.
also. xennie found out that if you turn the lights down low in the kitchen it triggers a fear response and PREVENTS BINGES??? like the darkness is a tangible enough reminder of past trauma that it prevents such careless behavior. so even though it's an unfortunate reality it still prevents further trauma so we'll have to make sure we do that after we prep dinner from now on.
for some reason, while i was cleaning up in the kitchen, xenophon was skittering around the kitchen doing the "hououin kyouma" laugh in a labcoat? i think because i was cleaning the spinning dish for the microwave? either way it was funny. (don't worry, laurie makes sure to properly "censor" everything for her when she wants to watch; i insist on it and we do discuss any and everything she has questions or troubles about).
i said "you're not a mad scientist though" and she insisted that no, she wasn't, but neither was okabe really, he was "actually nice and cares a lot for his friends" and she liked what he said about lab coats, specifically the bit about how they are a "sign?" that those wearing them are "dedicating their lives" to their research. that sort of evidenced devotion is important to her as a virtue. i said me too, it's definitely something we need to actively live like more. we've really "slacked off" in virtue since becoming an adult, really post-college. it's not "us."
but... that whole idea, even in bible studies i keep seeing references to "clothing" symbolically, in reference to both positive and negative things. like you "wear" certain aspects of your life and personality, and other people not only notice but also define you by them? like it's the image you truly project-- the way people see you and are influenced to interact with you. just like a lab coat "signifies" knowledge and prestige and people can rely on you for that, and will turn to you for that information and skill. it really makes me think about our physical appearance, especially as opposed to our internal one. like, to the world, what image are we trying to project? towards what end? with what motivation? i know i briefly mentioned this the other day, what with the "anime hair and sunglasses." what am i trying to "say" about myself, and how i want to "be perceived," with that getup?
also that anime in general is giving us so much to think about. obviously need to talk to celebi about it. and it's making me think of all the ancient fears i've had with chaos 0 and i, with "world lines" and "would you recognize me if we met" and canon concerns in general. deeply fond of all the characters and their intertwining stories.
freakin' have to STOP BIKING EVERY FEW MINUTES THOUGH to stare at the screen with my mouth open and yell "WHAT THE SHARK" because we're up to episode 22 as of tonight and there are SO MANY TWISTS MAN, it's devastating but it's such a good show. so yeah, thanks mike for the recommendation. actually very worth it in the long run. we're getting a lot of good out of this. determined to. can't be judging things so quickly, that's an awful bad habit we've picked up. give it time. always give it time, and an open heart, and compassion, and courage. we need to be us, more. not who we've been socially "manipulated" to be in one way or another.
feeling very out of it. sorry for the disjointed entry. still so lost.
every single time i go online, even just a random click on youtube, i feel infected. it screws me up mentally so bad. my emotions bottom out. depression and self-abusive tendencies start up again.
what is it about the "world" that wrecks me so bad?? no wonder i isolated after nc. i think that was part of why that experience WAS so lethal, too-- we never would have been in such a hideously malleable mindset if we hadn't also been in such a worldly atmosphere. all the media, all the talk, all the external focus...
i keep triggering us with that. therapy. wait for therapy.
awful how we legit just start crying whenever we so much as look at environment memories of that time. CONSTANTLY getting triggered "at random" during the day. baffled as to WHY it's still such a raw wound.
nevertheless. not something to think about now. it's not time. (john freeman voice)
all right, it's 1:37am, i'm exhausted, the poor body is getting hungry again since we last ate at 6pm and then biked for 100 solid minutes while watching Stein's Gate so yeah. we need sleep so we can eat breakfast before noon tomorrow. we keep sleeping in so late that we only get two meals a day lately. but we're at least hitting ~1500k which is good. like i said, we've got it down to a science. still, ideal schedule would be 4 smaller meals, to prevent binge triggers and ibs symptoms. we'll work on it. heck, maybe we'll even try to tomorrow? no big gaps between meals. if we wake up at 10, and eat around 11:30... hm. 3pm and 6pm? we'll try. don't want to eat too late because then we can't sleep. which is why splitting them up will help. sorry, planning in the journal, haha. but this is good, it shows i'm in the zone, thoughts are translating directly into typing without having to force a translation. so mentally anchored that physical input is basically set aside.
this is very good because this is the mindset required for xanga sessions. and as julie keeps reminding me, we need one of those asap.
okay. last topic.
i keep looping this song as i type and drive both, because it... the sound and title both make me think of chaos 0. and in light of stein's gate, i keep using it as background music for imagining scenarios of us actually meeting in this world, or at least... him getting here somehow, and trying to find me, and vice versa, and neither of us knowing if the other WOULD know us. the same fear we shared in that halfdream last week. the reason why that alina baraz song is our favorite one to listen to in the early hours of the morning.
but... today, xenophon asked me why i haven't been talking to chaos 0? "why aren't you spending more time with dad," she asked. and... that struck me. because yeah, i've been thinking about him so much, either in imagination or in looking for frontiers thoughts about him from others online... but i haven't been with him in a few days. just like okabe and mayuri, right now, in that anime. he's trying so bloody hard to protect her that he's hyperfocusing on that and not her, not her as she is now. he's so upset over the threat of the future that he's not able to live in the present, where she still is. and... i kind of feel like that, now. i mean, with some obvious differences, but... still. i'm so caught up in worried dreaming, in fears of "what if you wouldn't recognize me" that i forget that he does recognize me, right now, and i don't have to be afraid. do i? i don't want to be. but the world...the world outside doesn't know. doesn't care. doesn't see. and... that is wrecking me lately, what with the new games, and the new focus on him. feeling like it's a whole new timeline. looking for him everywhere. so scared that there's no place for me, here-- like i don't exist in that world, at all. and ironically i don't. i'm not in the canon. and there's nothing i can realistically do about that. i feel really stupid about that, but... i can't deny that it's where i'm at.
...xenophon said that i spend more time thinking about him then talking to him when i'm scared. when i'm ashamed of myself.
...she's right. i'm so ashamed of the fact that i DO care this much, and of how stupid i am, and how "ugly" i am, and undeserving, and laughable and unworthy of anything but contempt and derision. and why?
because i'm in love, for heaven's sakes, i'm in love with a video game character and i have been for nineteen years and every time i bring that up who am i trying to convince? who am i trying to justify myself to? the whole world? myself? i can't turn this off. i can't run away or hide it or deny it. yeah, i used to. but i don't want to do that anymore.
...i do want to spend time with him. how achingly i want to spend time with him. i miss him and i miss us even though it's literally only been a few days, still he's so close to my heart that the sudden contrasting absence of that active closeness literally hurts.
...but i'm so ashamed of myself. look at me, look at what a wretch i am. i'm so imperfect. yes i know we constantly talk about that term, but... i just... i'm nothing special. i'm not attractive or smart or clever or talented. there are so many sonic-series fans online who are incredible authors and artists and musicians, and they're sane and healthy and productive, and then there's me, this miserable wretch with a mental illness who just got out of the hospital again and who looks a mess and feels a mess and yet i have the f*cking nerve to be in love.
i'm not worth it. i'm not.
but i can't deny this.
so what do i do? what in the world, in any world, do i do?
it's why i keep imagining these scenarios, of him coming here, to where i physically exist with all my flaws and troubles and infirmities, and still caring about me. of... of him still being in love with me, too. despite what an ugly idiot i am. despite what an absolute insane fool it might make me to be in love with him in the first place.
...
i don't know. it absolutely shatters my heart.
and then my religion gets into it, and makes things so much worse, because "you shouldn't care about loving ANYONE but jesus" and "you're choosing worldly loves over God, of course you should be ashamed of yourself, you fool, you're a human so get with a human" no don't you dare talk to me like the tar did, don't you dare act like love is blasphemy, that's an absolute lie, not when this relationship has taught me more about honest love AND about God than any of your dogmatic condemnations. leave me alone all you lying voices. go away.
i'm exhausted. i don't think i can type any more about today.
i'm going to go and actually talk to chaos 0. just throw all this anxiety out the window and go lie down with him beneath those red cinnamon blankets with the winter chill all around us. forget about all these worries and just feel what i feel and what he feels and forget about doubt. this is too real. it's been almost twenty years for heaven's sake, he won't leave, and thank God for that, because i won't either.
today was a good day. yes i ache right now but it's for a good reason. i wouldn't care this much if i didn't love this much.
...aaaaand spotify just shuffled to play our oldest song. "link" by l`arc~en~ciel.
well if that's not a direct nudge in the ribs from God i don't know what is.
see you tomorrow kids. have a good night.
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