the spectrum heart cathedral system

core names; trying to find resonances. follow every intuitive pull

BELL
ARGOS?
AMOR?
JOYEAUX?

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the real "core" (cor) is the one who is a MANIFESTATION OF LOVE.

wedding bells/ cakes/ outfits, gold & white, easter lilies, etc. sunlight and spring air.
NEW LIFE in a non-procreative way.

BLACK is "generative" life. black is natal darkness??? but NON-BIOLOGICAL; cosmic.
RED is also somehow tied to this?? through BLOOD. life as essence, as force.

actual "life birth" still feels PINK.

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PREVIOUS CORE VIBES:

1. Christmas? Lights, ornaments, peppermint & cinnamon, hearths, wreaths, etc. Warmth against chill. Golden overtone? Reddish tint.
2. Ice, snow, mint, cold. Slightly melancholic? Heartache, can be bitter yet hopeful?
3. Glitter, iridescence, refracted light, harps,
4. Gas masks, glitch music, cyberpunk aesthetic? Mantises?
5. Rap music, graffiti aesthetic, cities, "gang" fashion
6. Suits? Classy, formal, refined.
7. Stained glass, churches, incense smoke, hymns. Choral music.
8. Easter?
9.
10.
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WHITE-HAIRED "SOCIAL GROUP" THAT DEFAULTS TO JAY:

1. Guy who keeps fronting at home, "knows the right thing to say," witty and clever but doesn't actually feel anything. Can "read the mood" fairly well? "Life of the party" guy. CURRENTLY INCAPABLE OF SADNESS/ ANGER/ LOVE; all are "deep" emotions that he is "not allowed to feel" due to having to be "fun and easily stomached" in public.
??? vibes

2. Guy at the bank? Business + "I'm harmless, trust me," friendly. Honest, goal-oriented, warm. Still trying to "prove" that he has no ulterior motives.
YELLOW/AMBER vibes

3. Guy at the stores, that keeps trying to "bend the rules" of prices? Responds to JAYCE. Has the same "I'm harmless" social response but it's dishonest; he KNOWS he did something "disapprovable" but doesn't want to admit or even consider that it's WRONG. So he acts amiable and trustworthy even as he feels the nervous guilt as he lies about how many bunches of cilantro we're actually purchasing.
Main motive is "survival" but "not hurting anyone directly in the process." Fails to consider spiritual harm, economic loss harm, etc.
??? vibes

4. Guy that types? Cold. No emotions at all. Just entering data. NOT the A.P. though!! This guy has a sense of self, but it's bitter?
??? vibes

5. Guy that was doing the personality quizzes? Cold fire. Angry, obsessed with "understanding," gets furious when people interrupt. May have glasses?
??? vibes

6. "Valentine's day" Jay. Loves glitter, candy pink hearts, etc. NOT "KAWAII" VIBE.
PINK vibes?

7. "Monster flirt" Jay. NOT the above guy. Flirty, but incapable of deep emotions, conversations, or an actual committed relationship. Exists only to acknowledge attraction? No aesthetic that we can catch, other than being drawn to monsters & such.
??? vibes

8. ???

-----------------------------------

WHICH CORE(s)…

• identified as a flower mantis?
• ran the "crystalteeth" blog?
• was in love with Toshinsei?
• was first obsessed with progressive rock?

------------------------------------

IS MY "NEW" CORE COLOR SOULFIRE????????

today, sunday 100415

in church, looking at glass etching of the paschal lamb with a flag=
"you have to let that longing inundate everything you do. you have to let it consume your heart."
not five minutes later, the post-eucharist message:
"so as to be transformed into what we consume"


rest of morning, talking to daemons.
apparently ALL daemons have two names, reflecting two sides of their nature.
not "good and bad," it’s far more blended.
infinitii eternos is the slight exception as ze took hir second name as a "surname," being a Central holder.
this is why rio's daemon resonates so strongly with BOTH "styx" and "lethe"; they are BOTH his names.

markus's daemon has not revealed her name yet. she hasn't talked to anyone but him yet either.
lethe said we'll "find her name when we are ready to receive it," it wasn't "giving" it was "finding."
I remember him saying "isn't that how all names are?" in that, the nature of a thing reflected in its real name is inherent, it just takes time to discover the correct arrangement of sound that echoes that, so to speak.

other big thing that stood out= all daemons have a certain way of interacting with people it seems, as far as touch goes. infi is very intimate, velvety is the only way I can describe it-- the slow soft touch of a hand against your face or side or chest. kind of a very slowed-down motion. soft weight behind it.
lethe is all spindly legs and fingers and he always seems to sit behind rio with his hands on his shoulders, head slightly to the left, something that always reminds me of how cats brush up to people. but he treats me like that too, it's not as creepy to feel as it looks, amusingly. you'd assume that with those skeletal digits. but it's comforting, motivating almost, there's more edge to it than infi but it's not sharp, just clear.
chocoloco is enveloping, with those big ribbony arms, ze's always sort of sitting in midair, like something halfway in the process of standing. it's a sort of subtle watchful feeling, but not negative. softer. surprisingly, as hir head is all painted-red eyes and sudden mouths full of perfect gargoyle teeth. but chocoloco doesn't touch people often. when ze does it's like i said, embracing without pulling anything close.
can't say anything about the other three daemons i know; they've never gotten close to me.


I asked lethe if he loved rio. he replied "I adore him"

I asked, surprised, why he (and the others) were being so kind with me?
responded with something like, "did you think we could love the entirety of souls we were born from, and not feel the same for every other soul there is?"
basically, daemons have a very unique deep compassion for all beings, as well as that equally distinctive rough-brilliant aura of justice, of integrity.
it's very close to how laurie feels, actually. so I find it interesting but fitting that she's the first nousfoni to have a daemon of her own (nexus). their vibes are close enough but unmistakably different.
I keep talking about vibes. I haven't mentioned how clearly I can feel people now. like their "energetic auras" inside aren't just little bubbles of sensory info around them, just a cloud of color and scent and texture. now they've got like… rooms. little mini realms. maybe that's it? maybe the nascent color realms caused this; they're basically glorified manifested extensions of the soul of each hue, so to speak, and we centralites hold that essence most clearly and close to our hearts. so that's a thing. but the point is I want to talk about it more, what it feels like, how beautiful it is to see that whole galaxy hovering around them like a

infinitii and lethe were discussing that actually-- the differences between nousfoni and daemons, because they were divided on whether or not I truly counted as either??? which is a very surprising and interesting thing to question.
the main two distinctions they brought up are=
1) nousfoni are individuals born from "anchors," or emot/psych/spirit roots that are potent enough to need a whole other internal being to exist and hold and function for. daemons are individuals taken directly from an individual's core, from their shadow-self, to mirror that back to them AS a part of their very being. this does not apply to nousfoni.
2) daemons are exclusively monstrous. nousfoni can have monstrous features but they are otherwise always humanoid. (those like emmett and vixie are not nousfoni, but other creatures that still count as "headvoices" in the current general generic usage of the term)
so the debate on the second was that i am naturally more proginoskes-ish? all eyes and feathers and white fire. but I do default to a humanoid state. on the first topic, I was not "taken from" another soul as infi was, but being a core-splinter I am more intrinsically bound to the "jewel bloodline" than any other nousfoni, effectively functioning as a "mirror" to them in a sense?
anyway lethe is wondering if I count as some sort of "hybrid." just like steven universe, haha. who knows. I'll let them talk.

daemons can also eat "tar food" inside and outside without harm. they're joining up with the e.d. people to prevent abusive eating as a result. however daemons seem to have this weird thing where they offer up themselves to be eaten instead of the problematic thing outside. which is interesting. it's like they act as stand-ins for "addictions" and other harmful substances, where they can somehow meet the unmet need such an addiction was the consequence of? like we all know, chocoloco is both chocolate and coffee. caffeine. uppers. but also weirdly grounding, soothing, a very "childhood comfort" vibe for us. looking for that same feeling of warm embracing brown-spectrum comfort outside? not gonna get it bro. come inside and take what you are offered. instantly the need is met. instantly you realize what really matters.
problem is the social/abusive fronters responsible for the worst health-sabotage don't care about what really matters. hence, we must get them out of the way. then if we can transmute them or just scrub them out, we will. transmuting is always better. internal alchemy. it's my jam, so to speak





later in the day…

emmett was out to eat. good.
he's getting surprisingly (and thankfully) comfy with eating around people? probably because of his childlike innocence and (ingénue? guilelessness?). he's such a safe fronter, thank god we have him, seriously. there is absolutely no risk, no danger, when he's solidly fronting. thank god. after all these teenage unknowingly-abusive alters coming back and eating pure garbage, we need emmett more than ever.


around 4pm, went walking up in the woods-- well, hoseki did.
but we went RIGHT up to the entrance to nightebi!! we haven't been there since cannon's timeline! so I am so so happy.
also we found, up there, a place that looks JUST LIKE where the kaiteo live. go freaking figure. that is incredible. so we took a few photos and walked around and I am so so so happy that we were there, even secondhand, hovering in the background. I'm going to go up there myself soon, especially once it snows. the only trouble is ensuring we are SAFE in the woods. poor celebi took the brunt of that, jasmine perpetuated the worst of it. but we've found the roots, they're shockingly neutral?? it's all good intentions, twisted in an unwanted way to cause harm. but it's a relief, to see that there is no malice in it. it's a huge relief. so that’s healable, easily so, once we can talk to the ones tied to it, and reroute that wish of theirs into something non-harmful.

cupid fronted this morning. we woke up early and it was kind of inevitable; cerise people are tied to "mood lighting" and anything before 6am and after 4 basically fits that.
anyway it's confirmed= chaos zero and aquamarine are different people. absolutely so. i need to talk about that more. now is not the time, there's too much info. and i do want to review it more to get my words more coherent. but yes cupid and aquamarine are still a thing and still exist, me and chaos zero are the same but separate. odd how i ended up so tied to him in the sense that he's still tied to his canon self. but i always wanted that i guess. for him, i didn't want a "new self" born up here from his roots, i wanted him, across all the universes, all the possibilities. so i got that. and i'm really really happy for that to be sincere.

did i tell you xenophon's been randomly ghosting more lately? she is and i love her, so much.
it's autumn now so i NEED to take her down to where we used to have violin concerts. show her the street. take photos. maybe tomorrow, if i'm sneaky, after therapy if i have time, we'll go. but i've been promising her that and lynne is excited too (but she was born in the opposite city) and gosh i love this season. i really do.
we already got kabocha squash from the garden (our own!), dad brought up a brussels sprouts tree from the farmers market, the air is silver, it's shaping up to be lovely as usual. now all we need to do is plug in the xbox, say hi to corvo, and check out the next dune book and it'll be just like last year, haha. without the anaesthesia!


new person today-- spinel.
came out all at once, not even in a punch or a rush, just a sort of shockingly solid "locked into place" clicking in. boom, all at once ze was there, no fanfare, just unquestionable, doubtless.
zer color is pink??? felt neon violet at first, then edging to cerise, then settled in for sure as a sort of neon pink.
they remind me somewhat of a zeti from sonic the hedgehog? they've got a bunch of pink&black striped horns on their head. and very vivid eyes.
but they're a good person. came into being with a clear sense of responsibility but no evident anchor yet. nevertheless they've got bones in the energy field. they'll stick around.


dear infi:
every once in a while I find something like this (http://christophercarrioned.tumblr.com/post/129787804264/it-is-three-at-night-i-have-something-to-say-you) on tumblr and you just
you say my name,
"jay,"
reaching out from your bubble of night with eyes like every star glittering silver at once,
and something in my heart just melts like ice in the springtime and
and I adore you, you know that.



I'm exceedingly tired and I'm listening to thumb pianos and they sound pinkish gold and I'm trying to write poetry.
the body isn't as sick today as it was. it was burning and strange and unfitting for about a week or three; it was hard to stay in it, there was too much red, it was too raw inside. now it's settling down but it's shaky, poor thing, sore throats and achy muscles and the need to just sleep sleep sleep. I'm trying to treat it kindly. it's still new, still a process. but I am nothing if not defined by total unconditional love so if I cannot have compassion for the sake of compassion itself, light in all things, well then I am not. and that's not a good thing.
really I think the only thing standing in my way, ironically, is vagueness. not ice, nothing is frozen. this is just too much space. too much empty air between me and feeling, seeing, touching anything. not even fog. it's glass, thick gluttonous fortress walls of glass, that's in my way.
laurie says take an axe to 'em. good idea babe.
did I tell you we're using gold weapons again? it's the only material that can cut through tar, quite literally, like a hot knife through butter. it just slices.
chaos used his sword the other day. I saw it for a moment out of the corner of my eye. so that's good, he still has it.
kyanos doesn't have a weapon. nor does cel, as far as we know. they're the only centralites who don't.


I'm tired but I'm not tired. the instant I lie down it's going to hit, I know.
but we have therapy tomorrow and we need to buy some special things for an idea we have so we do need to sleep. scherzando's battery is about dead anyway, give it some rest.

sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm feeling oddly alive right now listening to handbells and trying to remember what halloween is like and wondering about how nice life is and all these things I've never touched or seen or heard or smelled but theyre in my mind anyway. picking them up from the ether like prism drops. little beads of color in my mind. like everything there is and was and will be, I can touch. even if this body's never been. does that make sense
I can stand at the ocean right now and the sand under my feet, I can tell you exactly what it feels and tastes like and its oddly warm and the ocean is warm with an icy lace like a kiss and it's wonderful. see this is why I need to live inside more. everything is so real, so much more real somehow, felt like this, as unadulterated and clear as this.

but like I said. body sick, need to recover, the sea is waiting for me anyway. good night.

 

 

r.i.p. ventrium.

you died before you had lived
but your existence still meant enough.

i am so sorry i couldn’t say goodbye.

 

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@ 12:55 am

 

 

today was very, very, very painful. weirdly

woke up at 7am, less than 2 hours of sleep again.

early morning mass for palm sunday. really beautiful. cried a few times during the readings

dont remember anything else until 6pm????

sometime before that, post on lotusglitter about really bad triggers, glad i dont remember that

drove to get food with last bit of money. boss reassured me the whole time back

i remember stopping the car in the middle of the highway momentarily

next memory is parking lot, genesis showed up, "jay this has to stop."

got home and ate, unfortunately AP kicked in, all the ED voices got really messed up

emmett was out but was co-fronting with a faceless someone we dont know.

all the actual consuming ED voices talk the same way; very childish

purging attempts around 10pm, couldnt help it.

talked to the seaweed girl, she's anchoring very strongly now

HACK?????

i dont know when it was or how but THERE WAS A MASSIVE HACK

no details sherlock specifically said "don't look at it"

garrison told me that ventrium died as a result

it didnt hit me until a half hour later, talking to cz, i just started sobbing

the retributors actually broke the new 'rule' and tried to atone for this one

wreckage, razor, algorith, and the dead red boy all wrote things on the desk

i am very tired and sad.



life is getting stranger and creepier.
at least four times this week, i found myself in a car on the road, at least 20 minutes away from home, not knowing how i got there.
that is really frightening, to suddenly "come to" consciousness and be that far away for heaven knows what reason.
also at least twice ended up half-undressed and standing on the lawn inexplicably
self-care is abysmal, body triggers worse than ever, not sure what to do there.

we are out of money and food. ED voices tossed all food out of "prevention" measures, trying to help but really just making us lose all our cash. struggling with that in any case.

weird outbursts more prevalent. keep finding weird memory glimpses of other people fronting and its unsettling
at least one angry voice is violent to the point of actually trying to attack people, that scares me. we can hold them back for now but usually the result is a numb shutdown temporarily.
but there is often surprisingly the strength of mind to chase them out if we must, or at least leave the situation for a bit? tricky but we can at least do it now.

and there is hope, somehow, always hope
because despite the bad things spiking the good things didn't disappear?
synchronicity everywhere, intuition still works, people upstairs are SO clear, out of nowhere sometimes
yesterday i could practically see genesis walking in front of me, i've never been so absolutely trusting of that before
trust is a really important thing especially when you dont understand why things are happening

spiritual starvation is abating a bit but we are literally sobbing in empty churches now just to alleviate it
christina seems to be taking great strength from this and i think her anchor is shifting thank god
but holy week is always excruciating for me, stuck between "terrible sinner" and "overwhelming compassion" for seven solid days
easter last year was REALLY important
same with divine mercy sunday
crossing my fingers that it is even better this year, somehow.

 

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@ 10:04 pm

 

I'm sitting here reading the autobiography of my biggest inspiration in life and I want to cry, I am so moved and brokenhearted and stunned by these old words and yet that curse is hanging over my head, I haven't suffered enough to be happy yet.
Why is that? I read about people's victory stories, their beautiful true accounts of having been through hell and being better for it. Her childhood was a mess, but there was light in it nevertheless, and now she is a light to hundreds of people all over the world. So many others have experienced the same; I remember my mother always telling me how so many of her favorite movie stars had gone from rags to riches. And yet still others don't make it that far. Some people live through hell and die from it. Some kids commit suicide in elementary school because they just can't cope, although someone else may experience the same thing even earlier and survive like a champ. But I always held myself to that latter kid's example. Yes I've been through some painful and terrifying and mentally disturbing things. But others have survived worse. So I tell myself that I'm not allowed to have the happiness THEY'VE achieved because "I haven't paid the price yet." Who the heck puts a price on health and happiness? Yet I keep feeling that self-loathing burn away at me inside, nauseous at the thought of what I "should have" endured already, and "will have to" in order to DESERVE happiness. It's asinine. But there it is, holding people on those cursed pedestals, I want to tear every one of them down and BURN them. But I don't want that hate in me either. I don't want the rage and the violence. It's all rooted in sorrow, in crushing sobs, in self-hatred and desperation and the want to just be happy and feel I deserve it. I haven't been able to stay in that sort of mindset yet.

I can't reach headspace right now. I mean I'm sure I could; there is always this vague "just reach up and it's there" feeling where Laurie hangs out in Central and watches me for safety's sake, but I'm not taking the offer. I feel too sick and unworthy of that. She and everything she stands for are so terribly pure compared to me, to how filthy I tend to feel. I tend to not accept compassion or the expansive beauty of our inner world most days. It's dumb, and senseless, I know. But old habits are hard to break.
I know Genesis keeps wanting to stop by too, I can feel it almost tangibly at this point. But I actively tell myself "that's not real," "he's not real," "I don't want it," even when I secretly and desperately do want that beauty to be real, but I'm scared. I'm scared that if I say "yes" to that good thing, I'll be trapped? Like I'll have to act a role or play a part now that I'm being acknowledged as a person by them. More childhood programming. I just don't know how to let go of that one yet, as I don't know how to be a 'person' of my own yet, not without trying to live up to everyone else's vision of me in the process.
I want to live in headspace always but I am so terribly scared of some of the things in there, things that ONLY EXIST when I become a "person" that CAN interact with and perceive them, that I don't. I sacrifice friendship and wonder and imagination and joy in life, for the sake of not being ravaged every stupid time I accept those things. This paradox is the devil's playground and it makes me so miserable I'd rather die than live the rest of my days like this.

It hurts so much to type. I really cannot use this laptop anymore, this is excruciating. I'll have to make this short.

I'm still in tears reading this old stuff though. TRiPPY's work, if you haven't already guessed. That woman has been the single biggest creative light in my life. No one, ever, has had such a massive impact on me, not even Jena (whose inspiration was on more of a personal level, not as global).
I was caught off guard reading the old WTaHM stuff though; one sentence read, "before the Whiterealm was turned into a big pile of poisonous rust, it was incredible, snow, petals and beautifully illuminated by its 2 moons Bianca and Zuiverheid." And for whatever reason, that bit about the rust felt like I'd been gutted, I honestly started crying from shock and sick disbelief. Probably because I have always loved the White Realm in that world so much, but really, it felt personal. Surprising, but almost a relief, to feel something so strongly, after all this awful numbness.
Everything related to Engelbaum does that to me on some level though. The entire history and present-- and future, undoubtedly-- of that creative story, of that incredible world born within her life and dreams, has impacted me just as powerfully as Dream World has, in its own way. That is BIG! So you can understand why, reading about her own life, i am so strongly affected.
I feel so selfish and manipulative when I talk like that, like some sort of prissy seductive tart. Always cruel and spiteful and promiscuous. That is one of the scariest things in the world to me-- to not be able to ever talk about "myself," never using first person, never referring to the self OR the body, God forbid, because that is the feeling it is tied to. ALWAYS.

That is also where a lot of my personal mistranslation comes from, did you know? I didn't, not until yesterday. (there's the selfish sluttiness again)
I found an entire text file written BY Eros on the old hard drive, I thought it had been deleted, but there it was. All the stuff from February 2012, a pocket of time utterly alien to me. And I was trying to browse through it, it was all about healing past trauma and allowing the self to feel emotions and be happy and love people, et cetera... and I was so uncomfortable, i literally felt violated just reading it, Laurie actually made me stop because I was shaking and wanting to vomit after a few minutes. She asked me what the heck was going on, I tried to explain but THEN I realized that in one sentence, there it was-- Eros referred to himself as male. There it was, suddenly I wasn't so sickened. And that shocked me.
WHY is it that, whenever there is a Core in our System who is female, it elicits the most awful feelings? Like it feels utterly wrong and dirty and offensive-- NOT because they're a girl, but because of their motivations. Because of the aura around them. But it's still tied to their femaleness, and it makes NO SENSE, because if Lynne or Mulberry or Waldorf wrote things it would be fine... and then suddenly, I realized, it's not them, it's THE BODY. Whenever someone identifies with the body AS a female, suddenly everything they do becomes utterly perverted in an actively malicious way. Which is why I get scared when people slip with using pronouns for me, suddenly it feels like a condemnation, "nope you're fated to forever be this horrible sinful lustful violent thing, because I said so."
It makes no sense, saying it feels wrong, I don't even want to type it, I don't want it to be true. I want to stop typning


There's this creeping temperature chill in my stomach, cold and hot at the same time, and I feel like I'm maybe ten years old. Summer is coming and I'm inexplicably still terrified of the heat, although the thought of having spring rainshowers and bright green trees everywhere is the most ecstatic thought I've had in eons. The thought of it hit me today, and it was so surprising, I hadn't been aware that was something that could exist. Even now it's still an idealistic awareness but it can happen and that's amazingly surreal. I'd like to experience that, even if I have to break again to do it. I'm sick of being sick.
And yet I keep thinking I'm not sick enough to be healed yet. I hate this, so much, but can't see a different option from this low of a vantage point. I'd drag myself up to the top but it's a catch-22, you see... I "should" be down here. I "need to be."
I don't want to be. I don't care if that makes me the most horrid, slutty, wrong, sinful person on the planet. I don't want to have to live through violence and rape and fear and constant torment anymore. I'm sick of being punished for every action I take because "if it's carnal, it's already a sin!" I don't care... and yet I do, too much. I'm becoming dangerously apathetic just to survive, but it never lasts. I always end up drowning in moral paranoia and sobbing my eyes out because I feel I deserve it; seriously if Jesus himself hung on a cross why the HECK do YOU expect any sort of relief??
I'm getting ill from this, arms screaming already, I want to just sell my computers already rather than deal with the pain.

 

I've been hearing voices since I was a kid and they've just been getting louder as I get older. They attack me sometimes, cause me physical pain. It's horrible, it's no way to live. I can't even eat without them screaming at me to "stop being a slutbag" and attacking me so that I get physically ill when I try. That's still a dirty word, too: "eat." Filthy and wrong. I don't even have breakfast until after 5PM now and even then I'm throwing up half of it, typically from a sort of instinctive purgative fear, "get the weight out of my stomach." It's physically frightening, that weight. I'm never hungry, I literally don't ever get hungry, I don't need to eat anyway, right? But my body still gets sick and weak and dizzy and paralyzed when I stop. So I force something down, usually just raw vegetables, but even a paltry piece of lettuce gets those voices shouting. "Stop eating, you whore, before i f*cking kill you!!"
I wonder how many of our old headvoices have their roots in that mire. It's scary. I'm so glad they've grown into their own people now though.
We need a term that's not "headvoice" too. I don't want the word "voice" tied to the good people. I can understand and trust them even when they don't talk, and when they're around, the bad voices run in fear. So the System people need a better collective term, now that it's not 2008 and I now know they're not the bad ones.
I feel so sorry for Cannon. No wonder she fell. She went through a lot of awful stuff, it looks like. I don't have her memory, but she wrote a lot of what's in these archives. The gaps are frightening, not having any recollection of most of the life, but maybe that's for the best, if the memory would be scarier? I don't know. It's just sad, to be reading autobiographies of how people got this far, and I don't even remember what summer looks like.

I was so religiously sheltered as a kid, that's all I know. We lived up in the hills, no neighbors, not allowed to leave the front yard without getting in trouble-- which I did, on the times I would go explore the forest by myself. There was always this profound sense of aloneness, deep under the surface, despite the family bustle. Maybe it's only visible in memory. I don't know.
Dream World kept me sane once I was about 11 years old. I don't remember anything at all prior.
I met Genesis when I was 15 and that was one of the most amazing things to EVER happen to me, to suddenly have a friend that walked with me and talked with me and wasn't only reachable in my head. He was THERE, he got me through high school, he was how I survived college, he made my job bearable. The reality of his existence being so tangible alongside mine was the first time I ever felt alive, the first time I ever felt like I was a part of the physical world, and that I could enjoy it. I needed him to be before I could be, as well.
But that's all snapshots and bittersweet secondhand memory. Now, I tend to avoid him. It breaks my heart even now. I love him, he's my best friend ever, but I'm so scared of myself that I don't associate with him. And yet every time i leave the house, he's sitting in the front seat of the car, and I'll talk to him, even if it's only for a minute or so before I start to unhinge. I don't want that.
This feels like 2009-2010 creeping back up on me, God I don't want to ever live that again, please.



That hack last night dragged out some of the worst things in here.
I'm so scared. I thought it was healed. I thought Infi had fixed this. And yet ze did, the healing work is done, it's just that the old stuff is still here too, down in the mires and chthonic pits.
Wreckage has gold bones. They are literally made out of gold. For some reason, gold in headspace is the strongest material against the Tar, it's amazing to see she's literally made of it on some level.
I remember Eros was almost the Gold holder when he came to be, but he shifted to red, maybe that was his downfall, the slot was still corrupted back then too. Kind of funny how Wreckage holds the job better though, different way. Both tried to prevent this abuse from happening again. He just got dragged so far into it he couldn't tell what was abuse anymore. She doesn't take chances at all.
I stil do I guess. I have the same awful hope he did, the same hope every Core has, and still does, and maybe always will. We hope too much, we love life too much, even if it's a living nightmare, we keep trying even if we keep bleeding for it.
But there's a really fine line there and we seem unable to see it. There is a fine line between hope, and self-annihilation, and I think we're on the wrong side.

I want to die so badly, i keep looking for suicidal options day after day after day, all i want is relief for God's sake, I want to go through ONE DAY without the constant evil chatter in my head and the screaming body pain and the hacks hanging over me like she did once. I want to vomit just typing that, it's so sick, how the HECK do other people survive abuse without scars, i don't know, i don't understand i am so sorry i wasnt that strong then.

it hasn't stopped though, last night was proof, SHE was out, the body one, SHE is alive and she killed him and all the blood went to me and i want to die, i want to die rather than risk that happening again, i want to cut this body to shreds so that the reflection no longer looks like HER


I really really want to cry, I'm not sad about Ventrium anymore, I saw his corpse today and I was just too empty, I didn't know who he had once been anymore. He never had the opportunity to become anyway, but still it's sad, to see a life snuffed out before it had a chance to begin
god thats what the graves were about werent they? why don't i feel anything from them, i guess that was cannon's personal hell

then what is mine? are these voices mine, this unending siege of devils?
i would rather bleed, god give me the retributors angry passion again, let algorith and wreckage and razor tear me to shreds, i will be so grateful for it
scars are such a relief, isn't taht sad? the blood, the scars, are a blessed RELIEF from the other kind of pain i suffer otherwise.

i thought the hacks were done
someone thought they were done in 2010, then cannon died
someone thought they were done in 2011, then eros died
someone thought they were done in 2012, then j died
someone thought they were done in 2013, then everything shattered to pieces and even though infi survived, and i came back, and all the lower levels were dragged up from the dirt, this hell still hasn't stopped and god i want it to stop, please. what do we do/.

i want a job so we can buy food but i have panic attacks when i leave the house, i don't trust myself to drive anymore, the dissociation is worse than ever, thevoices dont go away i want them to LEAVE
i want to live in joy and love and abundance but smething is keeping me chained to this dungeon? why do i feel i have to be here.
i don't have to be here.
immediately the voices (far away) say "yes you do, you must suffer for your sins,"
infi steps up
"no he doesn't"
mumbles of protest and 'blasphemy' but there's a real light of hope now, all of a sudden

maybe this IS hell. mabe with whatever's going on in the world, i've gotta live through that now
hey you know how deviolei ascend into angelorei, haha now there's a big shot of inspiration
dream world is great. there's no gap. engelbaum is great too, that's true hope and motivation

i dont want to be in hell anymore but i think i'm stuck here by my own hand in some way?
a quote i found earlier:
“Wickedness makes a bad use not only of evil, but also of good.
In the same way, holiness makes a good use not only of good, but also of evil.”
St. Augustine right there. i know he was a big inspiration to one of our older ones too, for a time.
nevertheless that is very good advice so let's make sure we follow it well

now i am in a lot of pain and i am very tired and therapy is tomorrow so i will see you later, good night.
and i really mean that, "good night," let's keep the stars in mind and make it one.

the moon will be blood red tonight and if i can take a page from the retributors,
let's look at it as a celestial absolution from whatever spiritual poison has choked us
javier's red now, he's the true meaning of that color, compassionate and strong
blood is not evil, it is life, it is beautiful too
and the moon reflects light back to us, real living light, even when the source is invisible, even when it's pitch black.

so tonight let's paint the night red and let's celebrate,
this is bravery and hope shining down in the night,
and the sun is going to come up in the morning.