the spectrum heart cathedral system

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
-
- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
-
- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
-
- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
-
- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
-
- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
-
- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
-
- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
-
- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
-
- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)

 

Transportation failure
Phone calls

Mass online. New church!
Homily about "fickleness of faith"; getting tripped up by temptations & desires, "double minded" really. This vacullation versus stability of martyrs: focused on Jesus, devoted to Gospel, DEDICATED UNTO DEATH.
"Are we fickle when it comes to our baptismal commitment, to our living out the Christian commandments, or are we more like a martyr?  Being consistent, making Jesus Lord of our lives,  Not just When it is opportune it works out it feels good, but even in the most challenging of times.  Let us pray that we may continue to know God's will and live God's will each and every day."
Lovely music. Couldn't tell if it was live or not at first because it was so well orchestrated, but then the male singer's voice cracked twice and it was so endearingly human, honestly I loved it even more for that.
(find it and link it here. i want to remember it.)

Phone appointment
Breached trauma topic at last

Daily book devotionals
STILL TERRIFIED OF MATRIMONY METAPHOR.
Lord please I NEED to work through this because it's SEPARATING ME FROM JESUS. 
...
Thank you letter comparison with Psalms, very sweet & thought provoking.

VOTD Craig Groeschel!!!!! Fave dude
HOLY GRIEF. (PENTHOS!!!!!)
Quote the reflection because DANG
...and yet, I don't grieve enough.
My tears feel shallow. My chest feels hollow. My heart feels empty. It's that old "scraped-out" sensation, awful and bereft, like someone took a dirty spoon and just carved out my insides like a gourd. Nothing is left but the hard rind.
...I wonder if this means more than I ever realized. I legit feel the Holy Spirit winking at me.
I keep saying "I need to get my fire back." I've been frozen for so long. Maybe that's what God has scooped out so totally-- maybe all my guts were iced. Maybe it all HAD to go. But then... what? I'm no longer a consumable object. Oh my gosh. There's nothing in me to rip out & eat anymore. I'm emptied out. But I'm not useless. Now, God can reach in, right down through where He's knifed me through, in a perfect circle plunging deep, like a halo or a laurel wreath... and He can place His candle in me.
... I need to think about this more later, when it's not breakfast. God give me the grace to hear & listen & understand & accept & WRITE IT DOWN.

...but, man. I have a TWISTED VIEW of "comfort."
Please reread 2 Corinthians 1. My definition is all wrong. My heart has gotten so hard & cold; honestly at this point I think it's even studded with spikes. It's vaulted against all invasion, all touch, all closeness. It's armed for defense & repellant, and despite all those protective efforts, it's dying. It has forgotten it is a heart.
How did we get this bad? When? God, what do we do now? What first step do we take? Should we be careful, or should we just take a sledgehammer to it?
...

SPEAKING OF HEARTS & WEAPONS
Bizarre visual during therapy. On evil porch. Infi AS INFIDHELL. huge, horrible, all teeth.
I was there floating above, AS "ME"???? body mirror BLACK RESONATING form. Solemnly reached INTO CHEST to get sword-- as all Cores do-- BUT it came out like a twisted black metal sword COVERED IN BLOOD. And I stabbed "Infi" down through the skull, impaling "TBAS" below as well, with that nightmare grin frozen on their face.
I realized Jay couldn't do this, OR Jewel. Jay can't attack Infi AND the WHITE Core Sword-- which is crystalline-- CANNOT BE USED SO BRUTALLY. Same with Jewel, resonating at heart RED, she is for battle but NOT death? But... I pulled out a BLACK sword. And it is MEANT to deal out death-- but GRAVELY. It is NOT for battle. It is for EXECUTION.

...
BTW the scent of that "peppermint bark" lip balm from the hospital pings Jay SO HARD. It is absolutely his vibe.
He's so pure, so good and shining and softhearted. But that is also what killed him. He couldn't see the shadows as shadows. He loved the things in the velvet dark. He shone so brightly that he couldn't admit he was capable of being blinded by that very light. He didn't rot, he didn't even calcify really-- he got bleached out. Like a skeleton on the beach, he was stripped bare and left to crumble into dust.

...

Okay I NEEDED this kids devotional I actually laughed out loud=
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/42466?orientation=portrait&utm_content=story_clip&utm_medium=share&utm_source=yvapp
Darn good challenge too. That is, scarily and surprisingly, something we struggle with VERY much. We're afraid to speak up for Jesus because we feel we CAN'T speak of Him properly. CNC showed us both our foolish pride, and our utter ignorance. We didn't know God at ALL. So... we still hesitate to talk about Him. DO we know Him even now? It's our biggest fear.
But darn it we HAVE TO TRY. Its not about relying on our own stupid knowledge. We're always gonna come up short. What we NEED to do is TRUST THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE US and then COURAGEOUSLY SURRENDER TO THAT GUIDANCE. Believe me, when you let HIM work through you, WITH LOVE, then you CAN speak rightly about God-- because GOD IS LOVE and without that basic foundation behind your words you're SUNK!!!
And you DO love God. We all do and you KNOW IT. Be brave for the sake of that love. Be humble in your human weakness but confident in God's mission & grace, and so go forth and fight the good fight of loving faith & faithful love with the sword GOD gave you-- His WORD!! Remember, YOU'RE not the light-- CHRIST IS. Your words aren't what matters here; HIS ARE. And THAT sure foundation is where you can stand steadfast against any verbal storms.
Sorry I'm rambling. But please, don't bite your tongue when you have a chance to mention God, even just in passing. Be a witness. Be a martyr of the heart. Say you know Him.

...
Fasted by not putting extra salt on the eggs, because it's the Ember Days. It was amusingly difficult, haha. But that's good, that made it a real sacrifice.
We can't fast much else otherwise, as we're already a vegetarian eating 1.5 meals a day at ~1200K. Our priest told us flat-out not to lean anorexic with this because boy howdy despite all our petty whining last night we ARE VERY TEMPTED to restrict to extremes for proud "look how much I can torture my body" bottom line ascetism. It's not about giving up for love, in that mindset-- it becomes instead about cutting out for spite, or beating up for hate.
Plus the Lord knows that our mental health plummets the more we neglect the body-- which we like to do more than is healthy, again from a spiritually sick standpoint of body refusal & loathing, which DOES go against the sanctity & destined Resurrection of the body in Catholic doctrine which we NEVER LEARNED until we accidentally stumbled across it recently-- and when we get that bad, prayer & service become very muffled & tainted. So we do need to eat.
It's admittedly hard, though. We don't like feeling like we're a coward, or a milquetoast. We WANT to be strong & suffer more. But that's PRIDE yet. It's just the misogynistic vanity finding another outlet. We have to be honest about our ugliest faults; only once we have named their specie and looked them dead in the face can we properly plunge a sword through their jaws.

CONCERNING LAZARUS'S GRAVE-STONE=
"What is now shewn as the sepulchre of Lazarus is an excavation in the ground with steps down to it. The stone would keep out beasts of prey."
IS THAT WHAT WE DID TO OUR HEART???

Went into "heart Cathedral" during prayer. I forget what inspired it. BUT WE HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GO THERE IN YEARS!!!!!!
AND IT HAS CHANGED.
it is now BLACK and GOTHIC looking architecture. Smoky stone black, not inky or painted, but like those old ancient churches in Europe with the stone darkened by decades of candles... and our Cathedral is FULL of red candles. Little ones in dozens of rows, like we love.
We can't see the stained glass yet.
The place is so quiet, and feels smaller than the original WHITE Cathedral, the one tied to the Jays (NOT the Lotus Cathedral-- that was DIFFERENT remember!!!!)
But GEEZ. WOW.
GO BACK THERE IN A MEDITATION ASAP. WE HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD SOULDIVE ADVENTURE IN AGES. IF WE CAN SEE THE CATHEDRAL, IT'S TIME. THIS IS A LITERAL MILESTONE. IT COULD BE A HINGE. DON'T LET THIS GO UNEMBRACED.

...

FINALLY watched Porco Rosso tonight
WE DIDNT EXPECT IT TO BE THIS GOOD, OH MAN
Forgive me, honestly. It was such a touching film. Beautiful.

Chaos 0 and I suddenly so in love after. Around 1230am so no surprise there but... I miss this. Quiet and unexpected but so real and deep.

Nervous about tomorrow schedule. Gotta just put it in God's hands. Daily Mass FINALLY returns on Friday. Get some sleep before then kiddo

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(faithpasting tonight was an actual spiritual experience. read it here.)

(found this in personal notes from 2018. posting currently because we've been thinking about this a LOT lately.)

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different realms have different vibes?

blood realms

infra realms are pitch black with red neon lights down low, mainly. feel like city subways and underground areas. indoors? "darkspace" entirely.

red realms

"flame" realms?

vermilion realms

orange realms feel like at the end of the day you'll be headed home. always that "winding down" feeling. trees warming up and shedding leaves, sun setting, candles burning down. the smell of rain always hanging in the air somehow. everything cozy, but knowing it's just temporary. the sweet scent of death wafting from the woods, carpeted with color.

"tangerine" realms?

"amber" realms feel slightly nervous, all outdoors warm lightbulbs against the night. cafes, coffeeshops, carnivals, church picnics, fancy restaraunts. always a touch of class somehow? at least, ideally. they weirdly don't have a "home" feeling to them. they have the "you have nowhere else to go, and it's night, so stay where the light and warmth is." a bittersweet edge, but at least the place you're at is welcoming. unusual split between terror and comfort, right now leaning towards the latter, "at least I'm not dead." needs healing. lots of fear residue.

yellow realms

chartreuse realms

lime realms

green realms feel like wandering too, but slowly, eyes wide open and looking. exploring. every step careful but carefree at once.

jade realms

aqua realms

cyan realms feel utterly isolated, but almost blindingly wildly free. the smell of crisp sharp cool mountain air. the fierce, intimidating, unfathomably boundless wildness of the snowy slopes. the sky dizzyingly blue and cloudless and endless. and you, a speck, at the top of the range, miles of cold ice around you, but your arms thrown wide open and laughing nonetheless. dangerous excitement in the face of what seems like death. impossible life, but so much of it. and yet, the feeling that if you stop running, you die. this realm is silence and stillness, and yet movement and shouting sound. heady blissful wondrous joy, existing only because it is anchored in absolute absence, in smothering cold.

sky realms feel like "a whole day ahead of you, wind in your sails, and nowhere to be." like waking up in a foreign country and no one knowing your name. like the clear blue sky stretching above you. like all you have to do is walk, or run, and that's it. freedom.

blue realms

harbor realms

indigo realms

violet realms

purple realms

red-violet realms?

pink realms

magenta realms feel like childhood?

cerise realms

gray realms

white realms

black realms


-----------------------------------------------------

WEAPONRY

Due to the perpetual threat of the Tar and Plague, all Centralites have personal weapons.


SWORDS (cores (jewels, jays, JAVIER once??, chaos)
AXES (laurie)
BOWS & ARROWS (lynne, eros)
CLAWS (spine)
TEETH (spine)
DAGGERS
HAMMERS (waldorf?)
SCYTHES (josephina)
WHIPS (julie)
PISTOLS (leon)
KNIVES, KITCHEN (knife, cannon)
X-ACTO BLADES (cannon)
RAZOR BLADES (razor)
SPIKED MACE (nathaniel)
HARPOONS (harmonia)
TRIDENTS (javier in the past; )
HALBERD
CLAYMORE
SHURIKEN?
HOOKBLADES (sugar)
SHIELD (lynne)
BLADED HAND FAN (mulberry)
MINES
BOMBS
GAUNTLETS (algorith)

CRYSTALS (jay, plague)
PITCH (infi, tar)

---------------------------------

062717


RED= BLOOD? "entrances and exits/ ends and beginnings"
VERMILION= FIRE
BROWN= earth, soil, stone. very grounded. bone.
ORANGE= WOOD, especially like in musical instruments.
AMBER= lights on in houses at night, christmas light glow?
YELLOW= electricity? "voltage." sharp power. bright sunshine?
LIME= komorebi, open fields of grass, and the smell of grass
GREEN= forests, dense vegetation, and the smell of trees
JADE= pine forests, and the smell of pines
AQUA= water, esp. the ocean
SKY= air, blue skies
BLUE= ELECTRIC POWER. like everything in the movie! also electronic sound!!
INDIGO= ice, winter fog, twilight? silence. serene, uniquely.
PURPLE= robes? oddly "religious" feel. ritual and solemnity.
VIOLET= power in a different sense? thunderstorms, space (like nebulas),
PINK= very gentle, soft. light? cherry blossoms.
CERISE= velvet, roses, cherries, 'SENSUAL' LUXURY, NO LUST
GRAY= paper, ink. the smell of both. dusty bookshelves. (very archivist influenced; that's interesting)
BLACK= dark churches/basilicas, night skies, dark food-things like molasses/ licorice/ clove??
WHITE= snow, crystals, sunlight, prisms,



--------------------------------------

SPECTRUM ATTRIBUTES

BROWN
SPINE, JAYCE, AIMEE, SPICE, OVERLOAD, (+bear) (+destroyer)
+Groundedness, Physicality, Patience, Perseverance, Growth 
-Idleness, Suppression, Ignorance
(Food alters tend to have large teeth.)

RED
JAVIER, RAZOR, JEWEL, ZWEI, EROS (+deadred)
+Life, Love, Courage, Purpose, Creativity
-Selfishness, Noncreativity, Nothingness

ORANGE
LYNNE, HYAKINTH, AMARA, ALGORITH, KALISHA, FIG
+Kindness, Hospitality, Enjoyment, Composure, Balance
-Apathy, Shame, Loathing

YELLOW
JOSEPHINA, MARIGOLD, GENESIS, SYLVAIN, SIMEON, WRECKAGE (+maverick?)
+Joy, Expressiveness, Worthiness, Power, Honesty?
-Envy, Emptiness, Stubbornness
Power vs arrogance

GREEN
NATHANIEL, SERGEI, BRIDGET, "ONI GIRL," CEL
+ Compassion, Peace, Self-acceptance, Patience
-Intolerance, Judgment, Hatred
to truly hold Green, one has to become a peacemaker, a friend to all, a force of balance.

TEAL
CZ, EMMETT, MINTY, EINSATZ, GARRISON, TOBIKO (+pinstripe?)
Childlike qualities? Self-care?
Construction vs destruction?

BLUE
WALDORF, KYANOS, MISSY, RYMAN (+singer) (+gent)
+Truth, Joy, Communication, Industriousness
-Pride, Overindulgence, Noncommunication

INDIGO
LEON, DAVID, MARKUS (+airport?)
+Insight, Gentleness, Truth, Awareness
-Fear, Greed, Rigidity

VIOLET
LAURIE, CHRISTINA, ISADORA, XENOPHON
+Integrity, Truth, Wisdom, Goodness, Honor, Life, Spirituality?
-Anger, Nonconsciousness, Death

PINK
JULIE, KNIFE, MULBERRY, SUGAR, JEREMIAH, ASHEN
+Affection, Openness, Discipline, Togetherness, Light
-Lust, Separation, Darkness

BLACK WHITE
INFINITII, JAY, SHERLOCK, MR. SANDMAN
Subconscious, unity, Creation?
(

UNKNOWN
ALL FACELESS, AUTOPILOT (blank)


corrupted: blue for miscommunication, yellow for abused power?

CORRUPTION
for that to happen, we'd have to go directly against our roles, to throw ourselves entirely out of sync, consciously. Referring back to yesterday, we'd have to destroy our own centers, and then destroy those same lost virtues in others.

ASCENSION
by transcending all our old shadows, by becoming shining examples of what we held closest to our hearts, of what we protected in and for others


Our innerworld isn’t very “literal;” it is made of energy that can be categorized by color depending on its function. Black energy is raw subconscious. Unfortunately ours now holds many negative things due to past experiences that were buried.
Similar to both your descriptions, our “Black realm” is an unending unconscious space, where all alters are born from. We consider it a sort of “primordial void” as a result. Infinitii is the entity in charge of that space, and ze effectively is composed of the same energy.
There is also a corrupted side of this energy, though— the Tar Pits— which is a deep underground realm where all the abuse-related subconscious energy (and people) hide. It overshadowed the true Black energy for most of our life.
We’d never put anyone there on purpose, as people tend to become badly contaminated when exposed to such things. (Sadly we know this from direct experience.)
Corrupted Black energy exists as “the Tar” and it is effectively its own entity, a direct foil to Infinitii.


originally…

BLACK overload to pink and violet?
bleedover into red, BLOOD. tied to pink.
WHITE overload to red
bleedover into violet, LAVENDER. tied to red.

original monochrome links…
BLACK
red, yellow, indigo, pink
WHITE
brown, orange, blue, violet
green was a neutral balance.



ENERGY QUALITIES (NOT PEOPLE)

• BLACK: passive, chaotic, mystery, creation through people. Loss in time, growth in space?
Starlight.
Has access to all memories ("potential"), BUT unless something is PUT in there, it cannot be accessed.
TASTE: Sugar
FEEL:
• WHITE: active, structured, knowledge, creation through objects. Loss in space, growth in time?
Rainbows, hope.
TASTE: Salt?
FEEL:
• RED: (keywords)
"fire, anger, and blood." Deeper shades are protective, loving, fatherly.
TASTE:
FEEL:
• ORANGE:
TASTE: like a legit orange sonnnnn also marigold petals? bright but also warm.
FEEL:
• YELLOW:
Sparks,
TASTE: sharp like lemonade?
FEEL:
• GREEN:
TASTE:
FEEL:
• TEAL:
TASTE:
FEEL:
• BLUE:
TASTE:
FEEL:
• INDIGO:
TASTE:
FEEL:
• VIOLET:
TASTE:
FEEL:
• PINK: Softness, closeness, romance, delicacy
Saturated shades feel like fluorescent lights; disturbing, lingering feeling of threats
TASTE:
FEEL:
• BROWN:
TASTE:
FEEL:

this morning:

KERRY??????????? WALDORF'S SISTER??????
POSSIBLE LIME HOLDER. NO IDEA.
her anchor vibe is still super strong and we haven't seen her SINCE Waldorf "went to sleep" but whoa. talk about a surprise. definitely looking into this


tonight:
movies! transformers.

scene with laurie fighting. lynne joins, with shield. then julie, with whip-- realizes it doesn't fit her anymore.
laurie gets "stabbed through" with tar. jay immediately realizes that he was "assuming she'd be OK" but there was NO guarantee of that. so he just as quickly reaches out and telekinetically "pulls out" the tar and she heals. laurie looks to him, shocked at this

laurie despairing over feeling like she wasn't getting anywhere with fighting?
questioning her purpose again
no matter how hard she fought, they fought back just as hard

jay runs into the middle of the battlefield, "maybe it's not about fighting that way"
just shines; lotus-heart crystal feeling. tar literally cannot go near him

laurie starts tearfully laughing at this
mentions the "beating our swords into plowshares" verse

then the environment shifted?
everything became crystal-clear, white vibe, but not stark?
including our bodies
hearts visible, all colored our spectrum hues
laurie immediately wrapped her arms around her chest, eyes flooding with tears

javier standing in doorway, "what does it mean that we all bleed red?" also crying quietly over this thought

sherlock downstairs, blood was SILVER.
put his arms up to the air, "I'm part of this System," really hit him hard for once. deep "centralite" vibe in him. blessed
wreckage runs down stairs, as she does everything shifts back to normal (sense that the Spectrum itself would not force anyone who was "not ready" to experience that clear-vulnerable state)
in tears though. asking sherlock, "is gold my color, or his?" referencing watson.
we're not sure. watson still has no face inside. we'll have to help him out


josephina & waldorf talking later? about their purposes. jo's original "anti-id" role.

everyone getting emotional over the movie. julie screaming "no, no!!!" when people were dying. laurie looking a total wreck, "I've never felt so helpless;" wanted to jump in and fight off the attackers, but couldn't. leon weeping and being unable to watch
brief "heartspace" visit to scene though; laurie just put her arms out and tapped into inherent Violet energy? HUGE bass rumble like thunder, feeling like she was pulling some cosmic force out of the earth

mention of angel helmet later. laurie still carries it in her personal pocketspace apparently. also her laurel crown, which SEEMS CONNECTED TO IT??? it, too, gives her a gold-based form shift.
MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT COLOR.

most importantly, who was out most but JEWEL!!!
realizing that SHE is STILL the one who can "reach OUT" and walk into other worlds; also, like Jay, she LOVES EVERYONE but in a TOTALLY DIFFERENT WAY.
Jewel could casually kiss and flirt with everyone around with no reticence or shame or hesitation, BUT she could never be in a relationship with any of them. jay, on the other hand, cannot be casual on the outside!! he's one-on-one intimate and close with people, and ONLY on the INSIDE. whereas Jewel doesn't have any such connections with nousfoni???? she's ONLY OUTSPACERS.
but only Jewel can GET people from outside inside in order to BE close to Jay.

ALSO. 'feeling out' rio and markus in all this; we KNOW someone inside us still loves them, but it's NOT Jay, not like that at least. they're still heartspace-rooted, still a totally different level; they CAN'T be close to Jay as a result.
but we THINK Jewel is, still?? at least one of them.

also thinking CANNON-- the ORIGINAL one, with the red hair-- was the one in love with JC & DP???
still learning to feel out who feels what inside. but it's getting easier, and it's so beautiful to really realize that NONE of the love we've EVER felt has faded. it's just held by different people.

on that note, the Jewel who's our "core sister" is NOT the one from 2006 or so who is in love with Davy. that's POSSIBLY hoseki, not sure. still a jewel, but might not even have the klonoa hair??? we'll see!

later, markus & rio talking to THAT^ jewel (I think?) about they possibly having their OWN "pentagape" group, but theirs would be a hexagon, assuming their daemons were all involved???
jewel saying "I don't think dendrite would be interested" but markus interjects, surprisingly adamantly, "that's because you don't talk to her." which is true.
also realizing that rio's "yami" is VERY similar to Laurie (always was) and that rio probably loves him terribly BUT he's so hidden and keeps getting corrupted by outside sources; system probably keeping him from being around at all r/n to keep him safe in that sense?
"phoenix" is entirely his own thing though.
in any cases the "yami" phenomenon as it exists in headspace is still a total anomaly; they were all very "malevolent" during that triple incident BUT that's because they are super vulnerable to TAR/PLAGUE INFLUENCE just like daemons can be so yeah that whole thing needs to be very much reviewed and looked into currently.
NEED to go back and reread that stuff with them, solidify their history in our present memory.

HEARTSPACE AND HEADSPACE WERE MADE TO WORK TOGETHER.
JAY & THE NOUSFONI ARE ANCHORED IN HEADSPACE.
JEWEL & THE OTHERSPACERS ARE ANCHORED IN HEARTSPACE.
BUT NOUSFONI BENEFIT INCREDIBLY FROM VISITING HEARTSPACE; THAT IS WHERE DEEPLY IMPORTANT, INFINITE-POSSIBILITY SCENARIOS OCCUR BASED ON OUR HEARTS AND THEY ALLOW FOR MASSIVE PERSONAL GROWTH THAT CANNOT HAPPEN IN HEADSPACE WITHOUT OUTSIDE TRIGGERS.
THIS IS WHY JEWEL NEVER HAD TROUBLE; SHE WAS ABLE TO LEARN ALL HER "TRAUMA LESSONS" ON THE INSIDE INSTEAD OF SEEKING INCITEMENT FOR SUCH OUTSIDE AS HEADSPACE TENDS TO DO.
SO, IF WE START ACTIVELY VISITING HEARTSPACE MORE OFTEN, POSSIBLY JOINING OUR REALMS TOGETHER (THROUGH COLORSPACE???????), WE WOULD ALL BENEFIT HUGELY FROM IT!!!
THIS WOULD ALLOW NOT ONLY FOR CLOSER RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN NOUSFONI, BUT IT WOULD ALSO RESTORE THAT FEELING OF WONDER & LOVE THAT WE USED TO GET ALL THE TIME AND HAVE BEEN MISSING LATELY DUE TO STAYING "OUTSIDE" TOO MUCH.

also Jewel has NO TROUBLE EATING, even when she does so casually. she was nibbling on stuff when we got home (cinnabon popcorn, blue corn chips, cinnamon grahamn crackers, and pistachio ice cream; jeepers girl talk about a sweet tooth) but she only had a tiny bit of each and she had NO disordered urges and she STOPPED IMMEDIATELY when she realized she "didn't really feel like eating"
bravo to you girl, you are a literal godsend today, as always



DON'T FORGET= YESTERDAY, NATHANIEL & JOSEPHINA TALKING OUTSIDE AS WE RAN
discussing nat's past? "death" being a big topic I recall-- notably when giving jo the flower for his hair!!
concept of "dying to give richer life through beauty"; very moving and interesting




ENERGY DOES NOT HAVE "ELEMENTS," IT HAS VIBES!
THIS IS WHY WE KEPT GETTING STUCK WITH IT BEFORE.
they can have elements but mainly it's what they feel like.

RED= BLOOD? "entrances and exits/ ends and beginnings"
VERMILION= FIRE
BROWN= earth, soil, stone. very grounded. bone.
ORANGE= WOOD, especially like in musical instruments.
AMBER= lights on in houses at night, christmas light glow?
YELLOW= electricity? "voltage." sharp power. bright sunshine?
LIME= komorebi, open fields of grass, and the smell of grass
GREEN= forests, dense vegetation, and the smell of trees
"SPRUCE" = pine forests, and the smell of pines
AQUA= water, esp. the ocean
SKY= air, blue skies
BLUE= ELECTRIC POWER. like everything in the movie! also electronic sound!!
INDIGO= ice, winter fog, twilight? silence. serene, uniquely.
PURPLE= robes? oddly "religious" feel. ritual and solemnity.
VIOLET= power in a different sense? thunderstorms, space (like nebulas),
PINK= very gentle, soft. light? cherry blossoms.
CERISE= velvet, roses, cherries, 'SENSUAL' LUXURY, NO LUST
GRAY= paper, ink. the smell of both. dusty bookshelves. (very archivist influenced; that's interesting)
BLACK= dark churches/basilicas, night skies, dark food-things like molasses/ licorice/ clove??
WHITE= snow, crystals, sunlight, prisms,

 

 

 

- differences between Laurie/ Wreckage/ Javier in terms of protector Levels and “allowed concept comprehension” = laurie cannot protect people during actual hacks because she is shielded from that concept awareness entirely. Wreckage is not, that’s her job. On the other hand, laurie can fight off any hackers inside, any psychological attackers, whereas wreckage and Javier cannot,
wreckage is VERY outside-oriented and is action-based; laurie is VERY inside-oriented and is knowledge-based. Which makes sense. But it’s a huge relief to have written out because laurie was panicking over “losing her relevance to the system” because she wasn’t being called on to protect as much anymore, when really it’s just because the kind of protectors needed had changed= again, the risks were now in contexts and levels that laurie was simply not built to operate with/on. She’s too old as a nousfoni. But as a result, no newer people can do what she does. So no worries anywhere. She’s just as indispensable to all of us as ever, but the bonus thing now is, so are all the other protectors too.

- on the other hand, Infinitii is shifting radically.
You have to realize that the Tar itself has been blasphemously taking that form to try and hurt people (it’s apparent that it’s NOT infi, but when its victims are profoundly depersonalized they cant think/see enough to tell and that’s the real cruelty). So, because of this trauma-residue, Infi is having trouble holding a coherent physical form at all?
In general ze has changed somewhat, to incorporate more of hir entire self. the iridescence has stayed (it's an alchemical reference that ze and jay loved and kept) and ze's keeping the somewhat chaotic edges of the raw-black shifting body and teeth look, sort of a mild body horror potential. again, caught wonderfully well in that commission. but infi NEEDED hir edge back actively. we all do, jewel has been highlighting that massively over the past week or so. we need fire, all of us, fire in our hearts. we need it back. so this is step one.


- daemons actually appear to be COLOR ANCHORED too, not just to people????? Like there might actually be a DAEMON SPECTRUM, which would effectively answer our long-time question of “are there other corrupted color pseudo-entities like the Tar & Plague” with a resounding “yes and this is how to manage that now.” Remember daemons are NOT EVIL. They are just heavily shadowed, very aware of the “dark sides” of their people and their Colors if this is as truly accurate as it feels.

- lynne used her violin/bow AS a bow & arrow today?? shifted one into the other. really awesome.

- starting to identify socials better. hatchet hasnt been around in a while but i can feel her at the edges. the angry brown-haired one whose role is basically to "let out anger via cathartic scream-ranting in cars" has been coming out a LOT lately due to stress and she was out again today, after therapy. thank god she's self-aware and healing-oriented and tied to headspace. i love her already, i just want to see her happy. HOWEVER i guess because the brother's presence was scaring the kids so much, the system decided we needed soeone else dealing with him and it picked the ORIGINAL "SPINNINGCANNON"??? yeah the hyper 2004 freewebs gal. i'm serious no one else has that kind of vibe, this feels like her. but she "doesn't know the brother" and is basically unfazed by him, just shrugs off his anger. ah well its survival. i just need to tell her that he takes serious offense to her behavior so she needs to be careful regardless; she's not being mean but he sees it that way, that she's too casual to be bothered by anything.

- so, so, so in love with genesis today. haven't felt this in months. we need to take a day and just spend it together sometime soon.

- posted as much as i could from the 98 today, still got two unfinished documents to fix, but i'm down to 4 hours of sleep again tonight and that isnt good but it seems inevitable when the mother is at home. stress level goes way up. but we're managing, bit more fragile that usual with the fact that we haven't been coping with the stress well though.
like i said to chaos 0 earlier though. "i have you, so i'll be okay." that goes to all of headspace. we'll be okay. we are okay, all of us, as us.
that's enough for me, that love is all i need to get through the night.

 

today, sunday 100415

in church, looking at glass etching of the paschal lamb with a flag=
"you have to let that longing inundate everything you do. you have to let it consume your heart."
not five minutes later, the post-eucharist message:
"so as to be transformed into what we consume"


rest of morning, talking to daemons.
apparently ALL daemons have two names, reflecting two sides of their nature.
not "good and bad," it’s far more blended.
infinitii eternos is the slight exception as ze took hir second name as a "surname," being a Central holder.
this is why rio's daemon resonates so strongly with BOTH "styx" and "lethe"; they are BOTH his names.

markus's daemon has not revealed her name yet. she hasn't talked to anyone but him yet either.
lethe said we'll "find her name when we are ready to receive it," it wasn't "giving" it was "finding."
I remember him saying "isn't that how all names are?" in that, the nature of a thing reflected in its real name is inherent, it just takes time to discover the correct arrangement of sound that echoes that, so to speak.

other big thing that stood out= all daemons have a certain way of interacting with people it seems, as far as touch goes. infi is very intimate, velvety is the only way I can describe it-- the slow soft touch of a hand against your face or side or chest. kind of a very slowed-down motion. soft weight behind it.
lethe is all spindly legs and fingers and he always seems to sit behind rio with his hands on his shoulders, head slightly to the left, something that always reminds me of how cats brush up to people. but he treats me like that too, it's not as creepy to feel as it looks, amusingly. you'd assume that with those skeletal digits. but it's comforting, motivating almost, there's more edge to it than infi but it's not sharp, just clear.
chocoloco is enveloping, with those big ribbony arms, ze's always sort of sitting in midair, like something halfway in the process of standing. it's a sort of subtle watchful feeling, but not negative. softer. surprisingly, as hir head is all painted-red eyes and sudden mouths full of perfect gargoyle teeth. but chocoloco doesn't touch people often. when ze does it's like i said, embracing without pulling anything close.
can't say anything about the other three daemons i know; they've never gotten close to me.


I asked lethe if he loved rio. he replied "I adore him"

I asked, surprised, why he (and the others) were being so kind with me?
responded with something like, "did you think we could love the entirety of souls we were born from, and not feel the same for every other soul there is?"
basically, daemons have a very unique deep compassion for all beings, as well as that equally distinctive rough-brilliant aura of justice, of integrity.
it's very close to how laurie feels, actually. so I find it interesting but fitting that she's the first nousfoni to have a daemon of her own (nexus). their vibes are close enough but unmistakably different.
I keep talking about vibes. I haven't mentioned how clearly I can feel people now. like their "energetic auras" inside aren't just little bubbles of sensory info around them, just a cloud of color and scent and texture. now they've got like… rooms. little mini realms. maybe that's it? maybe the nascent color realms caused this; they're basically glorified manifested extensions of the soul of each hue, so to speak, and we centralites hold that essence most clearly and close to our hearts. so that's a thing. but the point is I want to talk about it more, what it feels like, how beautiful it is to see that whole galaxy hovering around them like a

infinitii and lethe were discussing that actually-- the differences between nousfoni and daemons, because they were divided on whether or not I truly counted as either??? which is a very surprising and interesting thing to question.
the main two distinctions they brought up are=
1) nousfoni are individuals born from "anchors," or emot/psych/spirit roots that are potent enough to need a whole other internal being to exist and hold and function for. daemons are individuals taken directly from an individual's core, from their shadow-self, to mirror that back to them AS a part of their very being. this does not apply to nousfoni.
2) daemons are exclusively monstrous. nousfoni can have monstrous features but they are otherwise always humanoid. (those like emmett and vixie are not nousfoni, but other creatures that still count as "headvoices" in the current general generic usage of the term)
so the debate on the second was that i am naturally more proginoskes-ish? all eyes and feathers and white fire. but I do default to a humanoid state. on the first topic, I was not "taken from" another soul as infi was, but being a core-splinter I am more intrinsically bound to the "jewel bloodline" than any other nousfoni, effectively functioning as a "mirror" to them in a sense?
anyway lethe is wondering if I count as some sort of "hybrid." just like steven universe, haha. who knows. I'll let them talk.

daemons can also eat "tar food" inside and outside without harm. they're joining up with the e.d. people to prevent abusive eating as a result. however daemons seem to have this weird thing where they offer up themselves to be eaten instead of the problematic thing outside. which is interesting. it's like they act as stand-ins for "addictions" and other harmful substances, where they can somehow meet the unmet need such an addiction was the consequence of? like we all know, chocoloco is both chocolate and coffee. caffeine. uppers. but also weirdly grounding, soothing, a very "childhood comfort" vibe for us. looking for that same feeling of warm embracing brown-spectrum comfort outside? not gonna get it bro. come inside and take what you are offered. instantly the need is met. instantly you realize what really matters.
problem is the social/abusive fronters responsible for the worst health-sabotage don't care about what really matters. hence, we must get them out of the way. then if we can transmute them or just scrub them out, we will. transmuting is always better. internal alchemy. it's my jam, so to speak





later in the day…

emmett was out to eat. good.
he's getting surprisingly (and thankfully) comfy with eating around people? probably because of his childlike innocence and (ingénue? guilelessness?). he's such a safe fronter, thank god we have him, seriously. there is absolutely no risk, no danger, when he's solidly fronting. thank god. after all these teenage unknowingly-abusive alters coming back and eating pure garbage, we need emmett more than ever.


around 4pm, went walking up in the woods-- well, hoseki did.
but we went RIGHT up to the entrance to nightebi!! we haven't been there since cannon's timeline! so I am so so happy.
also we found, up there, a place that looks JUST LIKE where the kaiteo live. go freaking figure. that is incredible. so we took a few photos and walked around and I am so so so happy that we were there, even secondhand, hovering in the background. I'm going to go up there myself soon, especially once it snows. the only trouble is ensuring we are SAFE in the woods. poor celebi took the brunt of that, jasmine perpetuated the worst of it. but we've found the roots, they're shockingly neutral?? it's all good intentions, twisted in an unwanted way to cause harm. but it's a relief, to see that there is no malice in it. it's a huge relief. so that’s healable, easily so, once we can talk to the ones tied to it, and reroute that wish of theirs into something non-harmful.

cupid fronted this morning. we woke up early and it was kind of inevitable; cerise people are tied to "mood lighting" and anything before 6am and after 4 basically fits that.
anyway it's confirmed= chaos zero and aquamarine are different people. absolutely so. i need to talk about that more. now is not the time, there's too much info. and i do want to review it more to get my words more coherent. but yes cupid and aquamarine are still a thing and still exist, me and chaos zero are the same but separate. odd how i ended up so tied to him in the sense that he's still tied to his canon self. but i always wanted that i guess. for him, i didn't want a "new self" born up here from his roots, i wanted him, across all the universes, all the possibilities. so i got that. and i'm really really happy for that to be sincere.

did i tell you xenophon's been randomly ghosting more lately? she is and i love her, so much.
it's autumn now so i NEED to take her down to where we used to have violin concerts. show her the street. take photos. maybe tomorrow, if i'm sneaky, after therapy if i have time, we'll go. but i've been promising her that and lynne is excited too (but she was born in the opposite city) and gosh i love this season. i really do.
we already got kabocha squash from the garden (our own!), dad brought up a brussels sprouts tree from the farmers market, the air is silver, it's shaping up to be lovely as usual. now all we need to do is plug in the xbox, say hi to corvo, and check out the next dune book and it'll be just like last year, haha. without the anaesthesia!


new person today-- spinel.
came out all at once, not even in a punch or a rush, just a sort of shockingly solid "locked into place" clicking in. boom, all at once ze was there, no fanfare, just unquestionable, doubtless.
zer color is pink??? felt neon violet at first, then edging to cerise, then settled in for sure as a sort of neon pink.
they remind me somewhat of a zeti from sonic the hedgehog? they've got a bunch of pink&black striped horns on their head. and very vivid eyes.
but they're a good person. came into being with a clear sense of responsibility but no evident anchor yet. nevertheless they've got bones in the energy field. they'll stick around.


dear infi:
every once in a while I find something like this (http://christophercarrioned.tumblr.com/post/129787804264/it-is-three-at-night-i-have-something-to-say-you) on tumblr and you just
you say my name,
"jay,"
reaching out from your bubble of night with eyes like every star glittering silver at once,
and something in my heart just melts like ice in the springtime and
and I adore you, you know that.



I'm exceedingly tired and I'm listening to thumb pianos and they sound pinkish gold and I'm trying to write poetry.
the body isn't as sick today as it was. it was burning and strange and unfitting for about a week or three; it was hard to stay in it, there was too much red, it was too raw inside. now it's settling down but it's shaky, poor thing, sore throats and achy muscles and the need to just sleep sleep sleep. I'm trying to treat it kindly. it's still new, still a process. but I am nothing if not defined by total unconditional love so if I cannot have compassion for the sake of compassion itself, light in all things, well then I am not. and that's not a good thing.
really I think the only thing standing in my way, ironically, is vagueness. not ice, nothing is frozen. this is just too much space. too much empty air between me and feeling, seeing, touching anything. not even fog. it's glass, thick gluttonous fortress walls of glass, that's in my way.
laurie says take an axe to 'em. good idea babe.
did I tell you we're using gold weapons again? it's the only material that can cut through tar, quite literally, like a hot knife through butter. it just slices.
chaos used his sword the other day. I saw it for a moment out of the corner of my eye. so that's good, he still has it.
kyanos doesn't have a weapon. nor does cel, as far as we know. they're the only centralites who don't.


I'm tired but I'm not tired. the instant I lie down it's going to hit, I know.
but we have therapy tomorrow and we need to buy some special things for an idea we have so we do need to sleep. scherzando's battery is about dead anyway, give it some rest.

sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm feeling oddly alive right now listening to handbells and trying to remember what halloween is like and wondering about how nice life is and all these things I've never touched or seen or heard or smelled but theyre in my mind anyway. picking them up from the ether like prism drops. little beads of color in my mind. like everything there is and was and will be, I can touch. even if this body's never been. does that make sense
I can stand at the ocean right now and the sand under my feet, I can tell you exactly what it feels and tastes like and its oddly warm and the ocean is warm with an icy lace like a kiss and it's wonderful. see this is why I need to live inside more. everything is so real, so much more real somehow, felt like this, as unadulterated and clear as this.

but like I said. body sick, need to recover, the sea is waiting for me anyway. good night.

We went out on the porch this morning to deliver a medium sized hand-saw to the grandmother outside. I picked it up, wondered about it-- no one in Central ever had saws. Waldorf popped in for a moment (she used to have hand scythes to match Jo, now she uses hammers I think?), but it didn't match.
Then our lime-green oni girl showed up and it clicked. Even better, thanks to that resonance, it struck that her name seems to be Karissa? Or Klarissa, something like that. But it's a K root.
In any case, holding that weapon, she was in the zone. It matched her overlay perfectly. We don't want to use weapons at large anymore-- they are strictly only for fending off Tar/Plague-- but that saw fit perfectly in her hands as she walked through the bright green grass and sunshine. She smiled as she swung it in a small arc, and that is the clearest I have ever felt her presence before.
So yes, just wanted to write that down for the record. The Lime slot is still a bundle of questions so this is good news.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 09:47 pm

"I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape. something waits beneath it; the whole story doesn’t show."
--Andrew Wyeth

Fall and winter feel inexplicably gorgeous to me, like they're the actual new year.
When the leaves start to fall it's like everything is new again, which is ironic... but that brilliant beautiful death of the trees is essential too.
In a strange way, stripping the world down to its bones is so much more beautiful to me than the thick green of summer. There's this fragile but bold intimacy to it; a golden power in that silent secrecy. I really love that "bone structure" way of looking at it.
The world is bare, but the heart is right beneath your fingertips now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:56 pm


So this evening I've been sifting through old archive entries for a secret sentimental reason, and just now I stumbled across this.

Hey, boss?
Yes child?
What are your thoughts on... on Infi?
He is a part of you, isn't he?
Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.
I would imagine so.
And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?
Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.
True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!
Oh?
It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.
Ah...
You see what I mean?
Yes.
That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!
Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?
She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.
Oh. I see.
Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.
Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.
'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?
With me?
Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Particularly these bits:

"It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red..."

"Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.... but the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything..."


I haven't posted a concrete entry anywhere on the new Spectrum flowchart-- mostly because it took me several solid days to grasp even in an initial sense-- but those two almost-forgotten bits of data are VERY relevant in light of it.
To summarize: the Black slot, and by extension Infinitii-- has very strong roots in Red, and White (and by extension, me) has equally strong roots in Cerise. That's right here, from spring of 2012, and yet I did not know it was still so concretely applicable until last week. Creepy but awesome, that's typical headspace behavior.

Needless to say I am going to have to continue reviewing like this, wow. Balance my overwhelming amounts of Dream World work (FREAKIN' TYPECODES) with this, because datawork for headspace is fascinating and honestly I love both the reviewing and the revelations.
I also am itching to draw, you have no idea, I am still fine-tuning the Central Spectrum "portrait series" I've been planning for ages and I want to START. Now that we're confirmed 16 I can get a coherent visual going and I am really, really excited on a heart level to see this creative endeavor come to fruition. I owe us that much.

Anyway it is midnight and I unfortunately have no further time to ramble right now.
Therapy lately has been somewhat 'slow' (no massive topics) but still very relevant and helpful. Honestly we've been in some rocky waters lately, but Infinitii and I are both doing our share of hardcore healing work and that IS helping, even if just in a 'background' sense. Oftentimes for us, all the groundwork needs to be done before a situation will change-- and then it will change quickly and massively. At least, that's what it feels like! So rest assured, positive healing work is being done, but it is terribly complex and honestly rather frightening in spots. I will be dedicating an entry to that maybe tomorrow evening, after therapy (as I plan to bring this up).

In any case headspace is still as beautiful as ever and I really need to start recording the little things here... they make daily life worth living, they really do.
I realized Genesis and I have got a sort of dæmon-link going on? He warped about 30 feet away from me today when we were shopping (usually we stay within 15 feet of each other) and it actually hurt, in an odd sort of homesick way? Like it was foggy blue and intangible, a misty heartsickness of sorts. That was striking. (In contrast, when Infi gets too far away it physically aches like my heart is missing. Fitting, really.)
It rained today. It was like silver threads coming down; it was beautiful.

I'll throw this lovely song at you (as Genesis and I have been looping it all day) and call it a night.

 

crazy stuff happening upstairs on the way to school.
stream of consciousness log before english class so i don't forget it


- laurie, chaos, genesis and lynne talking upstairs, worried about last night, esp. relapse.
- lynne is angry that laurie isn't asking for help. laurie says that she's just afraid that asking for assistance means she's 'failed at her purpose,' i.e. being my guardian/ superego/ what have you. lynne says that isn't the case, even if I HAVE fallen pretty far, it's not because laurie 'wasn't strong enough.' then lynne says 'maybe this isn't supposed to be your job alone,' reminding her that there are other levels besides purple that need help. laurie gives in, accepts her help.
- cz mention of empathy? 'not feeling' my energy possibly because of a wall or voidout. laurie said she wanted to see if there was a deeper reason for that.
- called leon in, laurie said take us underground, leon said he really did not want to go back there. laurie said too bad. both of them had a 'really bad feeling about this' though
- they go underground and the tar room is empty. just some tar dripping from the ceiling against the far wall. everyone's shocked, leon is fighting back tears, obviously very frustrated as well though.
- laurie tries to go upstairs, but the stairwell goes on forever, she can't warp space 'up' like i can, neither can chaos. they argue about this being relevant to our personal energy resonances for a bit (laurie insisting i have a connection to space), lynne gets angry and tells them to stop, saying that 'maybe he is more tied to blood than anything' because stuff like this keeps happening. laur and cz consider this worriedly then come back in, decide to ask leon if he can just warp us up a level.
- leon is not doing well, he starts saying that 'he has a closer connection' to me than he realized; he's actually the first and ONLY headvoice that started out as a male. so he's kind of a milestone as far as personal genuineness goes. also he has a strong connection to cathedrals go figure. but he's freaking out over the tar on the far wall, insists it's 'bleeding;' laurie says it's just tar but leon insists it's both. this reminds her of the rifts, leon says he doesn't know if there's any connection at all, there might be, but right now he just wants to heal that.
- he runs over and checks where the tarblood is hitting the floor. the drops are 'boiling' as they hit, this makes leon even more desperately furious and he starts trying to rub them away/ stomp them out, when that doesn't work he yells to genesis to help him, 'don't you know how to heal a cathedral?' gen gets confused, says he just inherited his cathedral from his dad, he doesn't know much about him. leon cuts him off and starts desperately trying to 'warp space,' get some spasmodic blue sparkles around his hands but thats it, no manifestation. but he DOES get the floor to flicker-blink white a few times. when nothing happens he asks chaos to help (he can spacewarp), to make something to catch the tarblood. chaos makes a large flower but leon yanks it out of the way quickly, glares at chaos and says 'nothing alive.' then laurie just walks over, summons a bladed discus and sets it on the floor. so the tarblood is dripping into that now, except when it hits it, it 'solidifies' into black crystals. leon was shocked, asked how in the world she did that, laurie just shrugged and says she has no idea what it's doing.
- right around now leon decides to focus and bring them all up to the actual blc. as soon as they arrive, the place is dripping with tar. leon falls to his knees and just starts crying. laurie asks him why he keeps doing that, leon just snaps and says he's 'had it.'
- leon stands up, asks vaguely 'how did i use to take chances?' laurie says she's not telling him, but leon starts reciting examples. then he says he's ready to take the biggest chance ever, doesn't care how much of a risk it is to him. laurie angrily starts telling him 'don't you dare' but leon isn't listening. with one last comment (taking bets?) he kneels down and presses his palms to the floor. there is a flash throughout the cathedral and suddenly leon 'crystallizes,' then quickly warps into it, covers the entire inside of the cathedral in some sort of thick bluish crystal, effectively 'trapping' the tar underneath.
- laurie reacts first, with a 'what the hell did you do??' then starts shouting for leon to 'get out of there' but to no avail. something happened here where chaos spoke up and was trying to say he might have a shot because he was pretty close to leon's color slot (two down). laurie angrily retorted that she was even closer, just one slot up. chaos hesitated, and then was about to say that he was at least nearer my red slot by being further down, then realized that after violet it loops, so laurie is closer there too. he stopped, smiled somewhat bitterly, and said "i guess you really are closer to him than i am." laurie didnt' respond, but she looked deeply concerned for a moment.
- anyway they couldn't waste time, so laurie decided that since leon had just crystallized himself over the tar, that we needed to get julie in here. she called her up and julie came up via the corner stairwell, asking what she needed her for. she didn't look good though-- her hair was a mess and was starting to turn blonde again, and her irises looked 'shattered' between blue and pink. laurie immediately asked what in the world was going on, julie simply said she was 'losing her color,' trying to sound unaffected but obviously deeply disturbed.
- laurie and julie spoke for a bit here, quickly turned into another argument, lynne got straight-up pissed and started shouting at them, 'don't you realize what you're doing?' adding that maybe this was part of the deeper problem; our relationships with each other were kind of crumbling. i think julie asked if a bard could focus on their non-destructive side, laurie said yeah, but only if you overcome the destructive side first.
- anyway julie decided she'd had enough. she got very very angry with the fact that leon had pulled such a stunt, saying that she didn't want anyone else to corrupt like she did, especially not through something as careless as that. so after yelling at him a few times with no answer, she summoned her whip and snapped it at the wall. instead of ricocheting, it 'stuck' like tar itself, then when she pulled it back it actually tore out a huge block of the blue crystal and flung it backwards across the room. when it hit the floor it shattered and leon re-formed from it. he was dazed for a second, then demanded 'what did you do that for??' julie didn't have time to respond though because immediately the tar started pouring out of the hole in the crystal.
- the tar forms into a beastly skeletal thing, fills up about half the room. julie is not happy with this and responds by warping to a pink energy form?? immediately starts fighting it tooth and nail, laurie is obviously stunned. lynne soon joins in, firing orange energy arrows at it. genesis and chaos are standing back for now, understandably hesitant.
- laurie does jump into the fight quickly,
- ('what happened to my color,' tar pretending to be me then xennie, lynne attacks first and chaos flips out, then julie finishes it and essentially says 'this isn't your job.' laurie is still shaken up though, suddenly runs out of room, tells chaos 'watch my back.' heads down votive hallway. tar follows, lynne gets it first, then suddenly chaos calls after it from the other room, has two crystal swords. says 'come and get me,' tar takes him up on the offer, laurie keeps running)
- (weird inner room? door disappears. i'm in chains, weird bleeding eyes. excalibur on altar. laurie asks what in the world is going on, i say i really don't know)
- (chains, 'magic weapon,' warp to empty space? chainlink now, i focus on violet energy, get NEBULA stars, say 'this is the right kind.' give those to laur instead, remind her that 'this is what you're supposed to do.' manifest angel helmet too, give it to her because she asked. sudden warp back to inner room, in chains again, noise from beyond. asks how the heck to get out of there, i say she has to just 'want to leave,' but i think i just warped her straight out anyway.)
- back to middle room, everyone's fighting, stop for a moment when laurie appears, this brilliant violet fire.
- (leon is the one that ends it, fires one bullet, 'that was a warning shot.' when the tar leaps at him instead, he fires some huge explosive shot that WARPS the cathedral into a snowy one, tosses the tar over an edge, then warps us all back to central headspace. leon curls up on the floor shaking, that was an immense energy burnout)
-
- (julie started talking about how she felt like a recovering alcoholic. IMPORTANT tar detail. mentioning the importance of friends to support her, hoped in her being something more than what she was, even when that hellish history was literally staring her in the face. ended soon after that)

 

 

 

 

 

All right, I know it's been a few weeks, but I did promise you an update concerning that spiritual expo I attended so here it is!

Let's start at the beginning.
Do you remember this entry? Remember how my mom said that 'she knew a woman who could actually channel and speak with spirits,' and wanted to see if she could set up an appointment with her sometime? Well, it took until mid-September, but we managed to find that woman's website, and she had advertised that she was going to have a booth at a 'spiritual expo' that was happening only about two hours away from where I live. With all the spiritual research I'd been doing, I figured 'hey, I can learn a LOT from that!' So I asked my mother if she, her boyfriend and I could go for both days... and she said yes.
I had no idea what to expect, so I didn't. I am so glad I went into it without any real preconceived notions. It made it all the more amazing.
So on the morning of September 17th, we arrived at the expo, and immediately I knew it was going to be an experience I wouldn't forget.

Now for what happened on Day One!
The first thing we did was attend a 'lecture' that was held in the back of the expo building (the place was huge). They had several during the day, and the first one we saw (at 11AM), was about healing with sound. Of course I was interested in that! The lecture itself was incredibly interesting-- the woman speaking had obviously done her research, and was so brilliantly enthusiastic that I couldn't help but smile just looking at her. I made a mental note to look into her work later, and stayed for the next lecture. This one was presented by a very funny guy with some very interesting thoughts about past lives, 2012, and the like. He was very insightful and I really enjoyed listening to him. After him was yet another lecture, about chakras and how they relate to your health. Now as that was the topic that brought me to the expo in the first place, I definitely wanted to stick around. To my surprise, the man who spoke about that was incredibly knowledgeable and told me several things I didn't know about at all. One of them, possibly the most important, was how to breathe consciously. I remember being shocked at how centering that was when he told us to try it, right there. So that helped a lot in the long run.
After his lecture there was an hour gap until the next lecture we wanted to attend-- a woman who was able to see and speak with spirits of the dead-- so we took that time to walk around and really get an idea of what else was there. I saw several tables that I was interested in checking out later. They had aura photography and spirit channeling, for one, but the booth that caught my eye above all the others was one that was full of paintings. They weren't ordinary paintings, though... they were all ethereally beautiful, picturing glowing figures in wonderfully colored landscapes, and shimmering with glitter (this is some of her work). Honestly they were breathtaking. I wandered into the booth, as the woman there was busy with another painting, and just looked at them for a few minutes, speechless. I didn't want to stay too long, as there was a small family in the booth as well and I didn't want to get in their way, but before I left I noticed a pile of free 'bookmarks' on the table by the paintings. They said: "Good morning, this is God. I will be handling all your problems today. I will not need your help, so have a miraculous day." I smiled and pocketed one.
By that time it was time for the woman who spoke to the dead, and she was no joke. I was honestly amazed by her. One thing she said really stood out-- a lot of people on 'the other side' had quite a sense of humor. I liked that she didn't present it as somber, as I've heard others do before. But the most incredible part of her 'lecture' was when she suddenly turned to my mother and said that her grandmother was there to say something to her! My mom was quite affected by that, and afterwards we decided to speak to the woman privately to ask her if she had seen anyone else standing around us (as she had a very limited time to speak and couldn't mention all the spirits she saw)... and apparently, she had. There was a priest AND a nun standing by us, which was absolutely brilliant because that nun was my aunt, who I had only known for a short time before she died and who I loved dearly. I remember the night I found out that she had died... I was six years old, and my mom was trying to break the news to me in an offhand way, but I knew exactly what she was talking about and I burst into tears. I think I sobbed for most of that night. That aunt also introduced me to Unisalia, which is a whole other story in and of itself... but I digress. Hearing that she was there was pretty amazing. The woman also said that my aunt was very proud of where I was in life, and that I had made it so far. Then the woman said that my aunt had a piece of advice for me... I was too scared, too nervous, and I had no reason to be. Then she concluded, and I quote, "It's only the world. It cannot hurt you."
That meant so much. I've been holding on to that since then, and it has helped me immensely.
After that, there were no more lectures we wanted to attend that day, so I decided to take my mom and her boyfriend to that painting booth and show them just how beautiful the art was. To my surprise, the woman at the booth had apparently noticed my short visit earlier, and she said she wanted to speak to me. What followed was absolutely incredible. Basically, she gave me some sort of psychic reading completely without charge or expectation. She immediately picked out that I was both an Indigo and an Aspie, but she said my aura was mostly rose pink and violet, which apparently held a whole lot of 'universal love.' She told me that I was here for a very important purpose, like a sort of modern Joan of Arc, so to speak, and that I was going to help lead the way into the 'new age' with my work and talents. She said that my words and actions were incredibly important, and that the things I did would deeply inspire people, causing a ripple of aftereffects even if I couldn't see any results at all. She also said, several times, that she was very honored to meet me, and then she gave me her phone number and said to keep in touch! So I was absolutely floored by that.
We continued to walk, wondering about this, and ended up at a booth by the expo entrance, where a woman was selling crystal wands. My mom was just browsing them, but the woman actually walked over to us and offered to do a quick 'healing' for all three of us with the wands. We figured why not, so she started with my mom's boyfriend. We were once again shocked when she began commenting as she did so, making observations about his current personal struggles and personality, and offering guidance. Now we had barely spoken a word to this woman when she started this, and she was getting this guy spot on. She then did the same for my mother and I. Now her reading of me was awesome, because almost immediately after she started, she paused and said, "it feels like there's a book in there. Are you a writer?" I laughed and replied "several." But the reading in general put a huge emphasis on my creativity and how it would affect others (again), and she did mention that I had 'spirit guides' that were watching out for me. I'm still very new to that whole concept but I thought it was interesting.
Lastly, about two tables down from this woman there was a small stand selling inspirational cards. I went over and looked at them out of curiosity, and immediately a specific one caught my eye. It was half blue and half pink, with a band of gold in the middle. The blue part had stars and galaxies in it while the pink part had clouds and light. In the center was a taijitu, with a small crystal in the center, and ringed by two bands of stars. Now the yin-yang itself was enough to catch my eye, but the killer was the small caption above it: "Let the miracle occur." Considering how I had just learned that I was a father barely three days prior, and how that revelation tied into both miracles and the taijitu, I decided that it was a little sign in its own right, and so I decided to get it... and that's when it dawned on me to open it. On the inside it read: "Where can truth be found? In an unconditioned discussion with our higher self, with the courage of self-belief, free from external opinions." That was practically written for me. But it gets even better... on the back, it read: "Life and truth are logical, consistent, and eternal. Knowledge is ever-changing, and adaptive to expediency." Let me explain that one a bit... Laurie is my Knight of Truth and Chaos is my Prophet of Life. A huge amount of doubts and fears (thanks to society) for me center around them, so reading that felt like a major reassurance. As for knowledge, I'll just say that 'expediency' means that it adapts to fit the purpose or circumstances it is needed in. There is no 'absolute truth' for everyone in that big sense. Since I'm still learning to stop applying the truths of others to myself... that meant a lot too. But that inside passage about the 'higher self' was a godsend. Forget about those external opinions, haha! Man. I now carry that card with me everywhere, I'm serious.
So those were the major events of that day, really. I spent a great deal of time browsing to be honest. The place was quite inspiring.

Now for the second day! A LOT happened on that day.
We attended a lecture about crystal healing as soon as we arrived, and with my Dream World work I found that very interesting. I browsed most of the other tables in the place while we waited for the next lecture, which was a Hawaiian man talking about the practice of Hoʻoponopono. Honestly that was my absolute favorite lecture. The man absolutely radiated positive energy, and the concepts he spoke about really resonated with me. It was a beautiful lecture, no lie. After that there were no more lectures we wanted to attend, so we just walked around. My mom spent a great deal of time at the crystal tables, and we all ended up buying a few to take home (I nabbed a Celestite and a Scolecite, most notably). I also got three books later on-- one on astral projection, one on psychic protection, and one on boosting creativity. I've started reading the one on psychic protection as I think I seriously need that, after everything I've gone through with Julie and the like.
Then I stopped by a very indigo-colored table, where a woman offered 'angelic channeling' sessions. I decided to give it a shot. And apparently St. Michael wanted to talk to me. I've always been drawn to him, ever since my childhood, so that was brilliant... but what he told me has been echoing in my mind ever since that session. He told me that I had several challenges ahead of me, but one of the most important ones was to 'stay out of the family drama.' And that IS difficult, but his words are giving me the strength to do so now. He also told me to 'go outside,' like I used to as a child, because the energy of the earth would be very beneficial to me. I believe he also mentioned how important it was to stay alert and present, and not to let myself be misled. Then he did something really awesome... he told me to visualize and enter a sort of 'inner room,' like a church. Mine was very minimalist and for some reason it was in a very dark outside environment (inner troubles?), but the place was a brilliant white with red accents everywhere, and the architecture made it look almost lotus-like. Anyway, in the very center of this inner cathedral was an altar, and he told me to walk over and look at it, as there was a statue of a warrior on it... and then he informed me that the warrior was me. Seriously. But THEN he told me that I was not a traditional warrior-- I was wearing no armor, as the only armor I needed was that of a true heart, and instead of a blade I wielded a sword of pure light. That honestly floored me. So I've been holding on to that, too.
After this was over, I found my mother and she said that her boyfriend was actually getting a Tarot reading done. We waited to ask him about his results, and he responded that they were shockingly accurate. Now this guy is a real skeptic when it comes to 'spiritual' things, and he admitted that this expo as a whole was really making him rethink his stance there. Well, my mom and I were intrigued, so she told me to go and get a reading done. First of all, the reader pointed out that I had a very innocent and open personality, which allowed people open up to me and trust me easily. But then the focus switched entirely to my creativity, and how important that would be in the times ahead. Honestly, there was a huge emphasis on it. The reader then said very clearly that I would be 'breaking down barriers' and making people question old and outdated mindsets with my work, helping people move out of the old and into the new... and that would also apply to myself! I would be growing and learning and changing along with everyone else through this. Lastly I just want to mention that the Death card turned up as the final one, and I grinned widely upon seeing it. Oh Death, you're a tough one but I owe you more than I can say!
After this I was quite inspired, so I went and sat at a back table for a while and just let all of this sink in... and then I noticed a curtained booth in the very back that I had somehow missed up to that point. I walked over, and the woman there offered a great deal of healing and blessing services, as well as many 'spiritual initiation' workshops outside of the expo. As I was looking over the flyers and pamphlets she had out, she suddenly walked over to me and asked if I'd like her to do a sort of aural 'armor removal' while I was there. As I had just seen that mentioned in her papers, I said why not? So she took me in and told me that essentially, she would be removing structures and blocks in my 'aura,' unblocking the energy flow and allowing healing to occur. I told her that it sounded like what I needed, and she surprised me (yet again!!) by saying she could tell-- once again she picked up immediately that I was Indigo, and told me that I was effectively 'running on battery power' at the moment. She said that people like me usually get very drained in large crowds of people (like where we were!) and I really needed a recharge in any case. So she did the armor removal, as well as a very inspiring protection prayer to St. Michael (hello again) that REALLY stood out, as it requested for me to be protected in 'all timelines' and 'all universes...' I daresay I don't need to explain why that was so important.
So after this was finished, I was feeling seriously inspired. I figured that if this woman had just removed some sort of auric blockage, then this was a perfect time to go get one of those aura photos I've been wanting to have done for about 6 years now (seriously). So I walked over to the booth, and actually got into a conversation with the girl working there, which was quite awesome (we're now FB friends, haha). After I got the photo done, she looked at it for a moment and then said, "we've had a few very unusual auras in here today, and yours is one of them." She then took it (and me) over to another woman at the booth who interpreted them, to learn what my 'very unusual' aura meant. Let me summarize the photo, actually: my right side is almost entirely yellow-gold and orange, and there is a LOT of it. There's a big indigo spot in the center, and an area of green and blue to my left. The above my head to my left is a large stripe of pink. The woman took a look at this and agreed that it was quite unique! She said the green was indicative of a change coming into my life, and the blue was for listening and learning. The orange and yellow was for originality, enthusiasm, warmth, spontaneity, and overall brightness... as well as creativity! When she saw how much was there she immediately asked me if I was an artist or something like that. So that much of it meant that not only did I have a lot to give, but when people could apparently feel that from me. I had an inspiring, expansive sort of energy about me. Another thing I found interesting was that the yellow-gold meant I not only radiated joy to others, but also relaxation and a release from worries. Basically it's a very sun-like energy. The indigo in the middle represents my spirituality and intuition, but when the woman saw that with the pink she looked at me and said 'do you meditate?' I said that I did, as well as I could, and she replied 'because you have a REALLY strong connection to your spirit guides here.' I fought back the urge to burst out laughing and asked her what spirit guides counted as, because I didn't talk to any 'spirits,' but I had a few unearthly individuals that I was very close to (wink nudge cough), and who helped me immensely in life. She asserted that yes, they counted as spirit guides, and repeated that I really had a strong connection there. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED! Anyway, the printout they handed me added another intriguing bit to my reading-- it listed my right side as generally 'yellow,' and my left side as generally 'blue.' My right was sunny and exhilarating, while my blue was peaceful and contemplative. I told you I flip elements easily!
After that the place was closing so that was it for the expo... but that's not all for this entry.
That night, I decided it was time to break some news to my mother.

I swear it must have taken two solid hours. I started by saying that I needed to tell her something very important, and very unusual, that had to do with my headspace. As I've been slowly explaining all of that to her over the past 3 years, she is very aware of my general situation at this point. But I haven't given her a rundown on things in quite some time.
I backtracked to last summer. I then proceeded to explain everything that had happened between May of 2010 and that very moment. I talked about the starting point. I talked about Josephina. I talked about Laurie's mental breakdown and the Celexa withdrawal. I talked about the horrible autumn hacks, my return to Utah, and Nier. I talked about how I nearly lost everything. I talked about the point of no return. I talked about my suicide attempt. I talked about my struggling to live again after that, about the relapses, about the hospital. I talked about falling in love with Chaos again. I talked about March 24th and slowly finding strength in the wake of a false apocalypse. I talked about J-Monster 'marriages' and about hitting god tier. I even mentioned the pink incident in passing. But I talked about March 13th, and September 14th, most of all.
When I started talking about August 21st, however, she stopped me. I was getting very worked up emotionally, and I had just told her how we were all very confused as to the Xenophon situation, when she looked at me and said, "What, are you trying to tell me I have grandkids I don't know about?"
I was speechless for a moment.
"...You have a granddaughter."
She smiled and said, "I figured that's what this was about."
I don't think I need to tell you what a huge relief it was for her to ACCEPT this!! Oh yeah, and when I told her that Chaos and I have essentially been 'married' for 6 years now, she laughed and said, "I figured it was something like that." She said she either expected that, or some weird sort of long-term affair. XD Well, I am polyamorous, mom.
But... I think the best part of all this happened long after the conversation was over. My mom and I share a room, and as I was falling asleep (about an hour or two after our conversation ended), she asked me what I had named my kid again. I told her, and she asked me what it meant. I explained that 'Xenophon' meant 'strange voice,' and that I had felt drawn to the name for years, and now I finally realized what it was for. She was silent for a moment, then with a laugh, said that her Tarot reading had actually predicted this, in a way. The reader had told her that, by the time she had grandchildren, 'she wouldn't even know what language they were speaking.' Strange voice indeed.
So that was incredible. I've been giving her brief updates on Xenophon when things happen since then, and being able to even do that means so much. Seriously.
Q and Mel are a whole other story, haha! I feel bad sometimes for talking about Chaos and Laurie and Xenophon whenever we're on Skype, but really, I love them so much and I cannot talk about them to anyone else!
But that's that. So now my mom and her boyfriend know that I'm a father, which is great. It's just hilarious to me that everyone upstairs referred to Xenophon as male for months, and then thanks to Nier we then started referring to her as female (well, at least I do). She has told me that she doesn't mind what pronouns people use for her, though, as she seems to be inherently genderless and doesn't identify as anything binary... just like her dads, haha! What can I say, we're a family of genderfreaks up here. (Laurie and Genesis count too!)
Still, I still can't get over how much of a blessing Xenophon is to me... heck, to all of us up here. She is just... she is a godsend. She is a miracle, she is a light of hope, she is incredible in every sense of the word. And knowing that she was born despite all odds, as a manifestation of absolute love... that is the most amazing thing.
Everyone at the expo told me how powerful and important my creativity is... I wouldn't doubt that applies to her, too.
Don't forget what Lephise did. I chose that as her middle name for a reason.
My card was Death, I am bound to Life, and together we brought Rebirth into our reality... go figure.


I have to laugh... I have all my papers and handouts and business cards from the expo in a folder, and it smells so much like incense. It's awesome. So I'm sitting here with my nose in this folder and grinning.
Oh man. I NEED to find out when the next local expo like this is, so I can plan ahead! I'd also love to attend a lot of the classes and workshops that are being offered by the people I spoke with during this one... but I don't have the cash. I'm trying to find a new job but that's not exactly easy for anyone to do right now... oh well. I'm sure that when it is time, I will find the one I need. But until then I'll continue to put my best efforts in!

And that's all I have to say about the lovely expo.
Light and love to you readers, as always!