prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)

041425

 
confession notes from today=

When struggling with extreme emotion/ impulsivity due to fear+panic, OFFER THAT IMMEDIATE MOMENT UP TO GOD and ASK HIM TO TURN IT INTO A PRAYER. Literally give all you've got to Him. And KEEP DOING IT. Sit in that awful emotion but GIVE IT TO GOD and don't turn away from Him. Make it your Gethsemane.

Also, do an examen at the end of each day, and when looking at events/ moments/ thoughts/ feelings/ actions/ etc., ask= did that bring me CLOSER to God? Or did it push me AWAY from God? HOW SO, in each instance? Be CLEAR and SPECIFIC.

For example, I used to fear that my eating disorder actually brought me CLOSER to God because all the pain/ fear/ suffering/ etc. DROVE ME TO FRANTIC DESPERATE PRAYER and so those hours would be spent largely hysterically praying and/or watching/ listening/ reading RELIGIOUS things. But THOSE THINGS ARE NOT "INHERENT" TO THE DISORDER.
What was actually "driving me closer to God" was SUFFERING? and CONTRITION? and the DESIRE TO STOP THE DISORDERED BEHAVIOR? because when the worldly "Jess" mindset takes over that likes to eat, SHE DOESN'T PRAY. SHE DOESN'T CARE. That's why when we're eating with the family we basically become a HEATHEN SLOB. There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

042425

WHO IS MY ENEMY?
WHY DO I SEE THEM AS OPPONENTS?
HOW CAN I LOVE AND SERVE THEM?
WHAT EXCUSES AM I MAKING?


MOM
She's STILL somehow an enemy. WHY.
I hate going up her house. "Loving her" = doing work for her assumedly? But it's SO STUPID??? IT'S JUST MOVING JUNK AROUND & WASTING TIME??
How do I know that for sure? Can I "serve God not people" even in doing such pointless labor? How can I do this without feeling like I'm ENABLING bad habits like hoarding? Or is that MY EXCUSE for not wanting to be at that HOUSE?
⭐ALSO I "HATE" MY PAST & DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, I WANT TO DISOWN IT, BUT SHE (AND THAT HOUSE) "INCARNATES" IT.
Is THAT a root of the hate??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (spinel-remorse)
 
030125

BRO TYPE ABOUT THIS!!!!
https://biblehub.com/commentaries/maclaren/2_thessalonians/1.htm

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

030925

Transgender "gender feeling" fallacy =
MY "DEFINITION" OF "FEMALE" IS BROKEN!!!!
I ONLY EVER "FEEL FEMALE/ LIKE A GIRL" WHEN I'M SINNING!!!
Similarly, the term "woman" is SO UGLY/ POISONOUS to me; calling myself a "woman" IS EQUAL TO SAYING "I AM A RAPIST/ ABUSER"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

031425

 TRAUMA NIGHTMARES =
ANGEL DUST AS A "PLACEHOLDER" FOR INFINITII!!!


ALL physical realities reflect deeper SPIRITUAL realities
"I don't need food" = rejecting SPIRITUAL food = GOD!!
REMEMBER THE EUCHARIST. BE CAREFUL!!
This is WHY God WON'T "erase" your hunger!! It reflects a TRUTH!

(Also BTW remember the dream around 0317(?) With Xander REDEEMED (angelic) helping me & grandpa??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


032025

Rosary visualization, unplanned =
My TRUEST INNER SELF is a HOLY CHILD about 7 YEARS OLD
And FEMALE

Jesus CAN GET ME OUT OF STAIRWELLS AND WALK THROUGH DOORS!!!

My "adult self image" CHANGES DRAMATICALLY BASED ON COLOR!!!
BROWN is TRAUMATIZED FEMALE SINNER GLUTTON.
RED is CANNON??
REDVIOLET?? is JEWEL LIGHTRAYE??
WHITE is "PRISM"?? ALSO "JAY"

CAN the Core hold OTHER colors???
Also DUOTONE!!!

BTW TILLY ACTUALLY HAS BLACK HAIR!!! SHE JUST WEARS A WHITE VEIL!!!


Today's devotional heavy hitters =
"When we love others, we are reflecting the love that God has for them. That is why it matters how we treat people. Our actions are a reflection of how God has loved us."
SO IF YOU DON'T LOVE OTHERS, YOU'RE DEMONSTRATING THAT YOU DON'T FEEL/ BELIEVE/ TRUST THAT GOD LOVES YOU.
It shows that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE.

"We love God by worshiping Him and praising Him. We love others by doing good to them and sharing with them.
How are you doing at loving God and loving others? Do you spend time each day in Scripture and prayer, praising God for who He is? If we don't love God first and foremost, we won't be able to truly love other people in our lives."

God has taken away all my "opportunities for service" because I AM UNFIT. I am too vicious & scandalous yet. I need to be HEALED first. (So God PLEASE HEAL ME)

For YEARS-- literally TWO DECADES-- I've been at war with my body, with sex, and with food. The three are synonymous, effectively. It's a hell I can't seem to escape from. And yet... looking back on both the Archives and what little "blind" trauma sensory memory i have access to, I am actually currently doing BETTER than I EVER have before. That seems bizarre, as it's still a living nightmare, but it's true. I thank the Lord God Almighty on my increasingly bony knees for that. I credit His Grace entirely, and therefore for getting me into daily Bible Study and Prayer, with Mass and Adoration whenever possible. The channels are open where they weren't in the past, not even for Tilly. That has made a world of difference.

...and yet I can't seem to stop, yet. Jesus keeps saying "it's your hunger" but He won't take it away because "I need it" for higher purposes too. "Same with desire" apparently, which i hate so keenly I'd murder it in sight but I guess it's hiding in this cursed ravenous destructive impulse that hits whenever I eat more than 500 calories a day.
It's not eating so much as it's annihilation, by the way. The main point of EVERY "binge" is to DESTROY the food. "Get rid of the threat/ danger/ enemy/ evil." The ONLY reason I even binged today is because we had carrots in the house, "bravely" tried one slice, then another, and then "poison panic" hit so "now we have to eat them all and throw them up" because apparently that's how you detox so you won't die from carrot infection. It's insane.

I hope to God we can get through the next three days "green." We mark the calendar now. This month has too many red "X-es". It's disturbing & depressing.
The rule is, I'm not allowed to sleep in bed until we get three clean days in a row. I had ONE bed day last month I think. Besides that, I literally haven't slept in my own bed since like... July.
That's really sad.

Does this count as a "cross" if it's literally a vice? Aren't crosses supposed to be "for good people"? How ironic. "Grandma was a wonderful, pure woman, with a clear conscience and a solid reputation for charity and good works. THEREFORE, she was given the heavy cross of lung cancer and severe neuropathy SO THAT her suffering would UNITE HER TO CHRIST and therefore GET HER TO HEAVEN." That's how I've always understood it.
On the contrary, "Jessica is a rebellious, self-willed, bratty, brazen girl who is cruel to her brothers and disobedient to her parents. She is a master manipulator, a spiteful bully, a petty thief, and a budding sadist. She will grow up into a violent, angry, useless waste of flesh, a dishonor and disgrace to her family. She will be a perverted whore, a robber of widows, a conpulsive liar, a heartless backstabber, a lazy dirty slob, and-- most of all-- a selfish, wasteful, destructive glutton. Her daily life is defined by sin. THEREFORE, Jessica DOESN'T GET A CROSS, because she doesn't deserve to suffer for Christ. Devils like her go straight to hell. She is rejected and isolated from the Church both on earth and in heaven. She gets no part of it. Nobody wants her. Only Satan wants her, to murder her for all eternity. THEN she will suffer."
...Why is THAT how it works for me??
This daily life, this horrible eating disorder, IS ALREADY HELL AND I HATE IT. the problem? This body LIKES to have food. This body WANTS to keep eating once I start. It feels like I'm DOOMED to fail, like I'm "locked in" to this warzone. I don't want to eat. I hate it. And whenever I try, this happens. And its torture. But that's my point-- I'm already in hell, but I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE. I just apparently CANNOT, and that is terrifying.
Only God can get me out of here. Why hasn't He done so yet? This is a SIN!! He cannot "want" me to stay here! So what's going on? Is it just my weakness? Is it just the fact that i "could have" been free & safe today IF I had resisted the carrot terror? Or yesterday, if "feeling safe" wasn't scarier than forcing fear & anxiety? Or the weekend, if I didn't "give in to healthy compulsions" that I was too afraid to actually eat and so ended up destroying "to be safe"? Or never saying "no" to mom forcing unhealthy and/or triggering foods on me, out of fear that in response she'll reject me at last? Or what about the countless times I buy and eat and purge in tears the foods that remind me of grandma? They won't bring me back to her. But they do give me memories I can't reach otherwise, immersive memories of being a small child, standing in her kitchen at night, with nothing else existing but home and her. I can't even FIND those memories apart from the foods they're ATTACHED to. It makes me want to weep. Those memories "aren't even mine" and yet I NEED them now more than the air I breathe, many nights.
And remember I used to do the same thing with TBAS.
I'm telling you, this grief will be the death of me.
But I don't want to die in sin, oh please God.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


032125
 
Atonement + death + resurrection + forgiveness etc. ALL CONNECTED in Christ's Passion =

"God renders them as right as Himself the moment they place trust in Christ’s death as payment for their sin. God henceforth treats them as judicially right in His eyes. They are right because God resolved His justice at the cross." & "Christians stand in Christ’s perfect righteousness before God eternally because they trust the blood of Christ to forgive them."

DO WE TRUST THIS???
IS THIS TIED TO INFI'S DEATH TOO??? IS THAT WHAT GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH US???
CAN INFI NOT RESURRECT/ CAN WE NOT BE HEALED OF TRAUMA + E.D. UNTIL WE TRUST THIS PRICE HAD BEEN PAID IN LOVE???

ALSO "“Believed” means to be persuaded of, and hence, to place confidence in. When we believe in Christ, we place confidence in or credit Jesus as the only One who can save us from our sins. We entrust our entire eternal future to Christ Jesus. He is worthy of our trust."
IS ALL MY "TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW ATONEMENT WORKS / HOW I AM FORGIVEN / THE MECHANISM OF SALVATION" ETC. ACTUALLY PREVENTING ME FROM FAITH????

Also THIS HITS SO HARD =
"Justification is different. It doesn’t say, you have done wrong, but I will try to forget it. It focuses on the wrong done, and says squarely, this was wrong. This was very wrong. It was unjust. Since justice is God’s love spread around to lots of sinners, our sin violated love. It needs to be publicly declared wrong, publicly punished, so that all will know that justice must be served for such a wrong done. Justification says, your sin was displayed publicly as worthy of condemnation and terrible punishment in Christ. When we say that we believe Christ died for our sins, we are not just forgiven, we are justified. In our conscience, as believers, we feel that we MUST say that justice has been served for our sins, because otherwise we make His terrible death on our behalf of no account.
This is the big difference between forgiveness and justification. Forgiveness leaves justice on the table, it leaves sin unpunished but unjustified. Among the brethren, we have something greater than forgiveness with one another. We have the understanding that their sin against us has been declared unjust and wrong with vengeance and violence. It has been abundantly addressed. I don’t have to think that I am just trying to forget what they have done to me or that they are trying to forget what I have done to them. Forgetting is not the issue or the power of attorney here. The blood of Jesus Christ is the power, and it is most certainly sufficient... True forgiveness on our part acknowledges that [our] justification in Christ is sufficient, and I refuse to say otherwise. Forgiveness under Christ is stronger than mere forgetfulness, it is constantly putting the sins of [both ourselves and all others] under the terrible wrath displayed publicly on the cross... it accounts for the vengeance that our soul knows must be visited upon our various sins."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
prismaticbleed: (worried)



020325
FIGHTING OCD COMPULSIONS OF "JUST RIGHT" + "CONTAMINATION" = THE THINGS WE TOUCH FEEL "DIFFERENT" (NOT "BAD"!) BECAUSE TOUCHING THEM GIVES US THEIR POWER?
(trying to reason with the ocd paidifoni about this)

WINDOW= POWER OF OPENING TO NEWNESS
METAL= POWER OF STRENGTH,
WOOD= POWER OF GROWTH, NATURE
CLOTHES= POWER OF MODESTY

THE FEELING OF BURNING IN OUR FINGERS MEANS THERE IS POWER IN THEM TO GIVE?
GOOD IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL THAN EVIL!!! GOOD PURGES THE BAD OUT EVERY TIME!!

ALSO= TOUCHING RED THINGS = BLOOD = PURIFICATION

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


020425

"Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.”"
How does this relate, directly, to the eating disorder?

"When our trust in God wanes, our souls can seek satisfaction in counterfeit ways... This passage in James contrasts the deceptive and fraudulent pathway of sin vs. the pure and trustworthy gifts from God. Our soul will seek satisfaction in one way or another—we can choose the allure of immediate gratification or sin, or we can trust that God is who He says He is and will do what He said He will do.
Verses 17 in The Message translation says, “There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle.” 
...You may have been let down by others—we all have at one time or another. But God is reliable—a firm foundation, strong tower, and safe refuge. His love for you is vast, His motives for you are pure, and His intentions toward you are good."

In what areas are you lacking trust in God?
SEXUALITY, more than anything, actually. 
I honestly don't know how trust plays into FOOD? Unless its similar to sex, and deals with the POISON fear???

• Is it difficult or easy for you to believe that God is trustworthy?
Easy, BUT I'm scared of "what I'm trusting Him TO DO?" Like I know He's trustworthy, BUT I'm scared that His "good things" involve hurting me?? THAT'S CHILDHOOD PARENT FEAR!!!

• Jennie Allen says, “Every sin, at its root, is based in something we do not fully believe about God.” Have you experienced this in your life?

"Lord, increase my discernment when sin knocks at my door, and remind me of your abundant and trustworthy path. Amen."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

021625

OUR "REAL ME" DEPENDS ON WHAT LEVEL + VIBE FREQUENCY WE'RE TUNED INTO!!!
JESSICAS ARE "ROCK BOTTOM" NO HIGHER FEELINGS / HOPES??

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

021725
OUTSPACER ROSARY!!

Lynne is too hyper Because it BELONGS IN YELLOW
Jo never fit it well Because he was HALF LAVENDER

We need to TEACH the Socials INTEGRITY

YOU CANNOT "OFFER UP" OR "SIT THROUGH" SUFFERING WITHOUT A MOTIVE OF ACTUAL LOVE!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022125

Laurie REJECTING / REMOVING the "blood fluster" thing imposed on her; "this isn't mine" + "we NEED daengels back" TO hold things like that so they don't get shunted onto nousfoni

Triple bloodline emphasized so much. Jess / Jewel / Jay all functioning so differently.

ALSO realizing=
JACINTH "BLOODLINE" ABUSED BY JASMINE
JEWELS ABUSED BY JULIE
JAYS ABUSED BY PLAGUE??? Guys affected differently than girls; self-destructive versus murderous respectively

Big event of today =
"Accidentally" deleted religious tumblr.
It was putting our brain RIGHT BACK INTO 2019 MODE and that was SO TERRIFYING we brought up the delete screen and didn't realize it autosaved the password. So it's gone. Six years of performance and manipulation and selfdeath, deleted. And it's very sad that THAT is how we remember that Tumblr. The religious scrupulosity was largely a facade-- Tilly was hyperfocused on sin & shame & guilt-- and all the posting served to prevent any integration or practice of said religion.
I'm glad it's gone.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022225
Actually felt comfortable for a moment on couch.
Brief thought, "is thus what a baby feels like" in theoretical ideal? Ironically this made me feel SO SCARED & UNSAFE that I rejected the comfort and got up

SLC flashbacks. Trying to remember details but nothing.
Only realizing that we couldn't cope because we couldn't fight back yet? We needed WRECKAGE. Back then all we had was CANNON, and she IMPLODED.

JESSICAS ARENT CORES!! THEYRE DAMAGED!! THEY HOLD ALL THAT NAME CORRUPTION AND PROTECT SOMEONE DEEPER DOWN

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022325

Pray for the POWER AND EXPERIENCE OF FORGIVENESS!
ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE + PRAYER
"YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE/KNOW; YOU CANNOT EXPRESS WHAT YOU CAN'T IMAGINE"!!!

"Love is patient, kind, etc." = is yours?

Love your enemies = who do you treat with APATHY? AVOIDANCE? etc.
You may not recognize your enemy at first but they are WHOEVER YOU JUDGE & LOOK DOWN ON / CRITICIZE / CONDEMN.

At home later=
Chaos talking about what my "scent" is, like on blankets & shirts. Saying it is worth cherishing b/c I'm the only one of us with a physical existence.
Laurie called him out for potentially being "too explicit" with such talk?
"Infi could talk about this more explicitly than I ever could"
"We all know ze's coming back"
"Infi is the only person besides the good Lord Himself who can be closer to Jay than I am"

PLEASE type about 1 Thessalonians 3:5-6 realizations
5: "Small apostasies"= compromises, esp. MOM COMMENTS
6: Love+faith = REMEMBERING OTHERS KINDLY/ WELL/ WITH JOY

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

022825

THE DEVIL'S TRICK IN KEEPING ME IN ADDICTION LOOPS = HE MAKES ME DO IT "FOR OTHER PEOPLE "

ALSO BTW https://biblehub.com/greek/2719.htm



prismaticbleed: (worried)




"SELF-SOOTHING" SKILL PRACTICE


101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
LOUD, BUSY, CHAOTIC grouproom environment; TOO MUCH TALKING, TV on, sensory overwhelm. Working busily on worksheets. NOT TAKING ANY TIME to GO INSIDE/UPSTAIRS and RE-CENTER IN HEART

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
"Hugged" self wearing soft pajamas, letting body relax comfortably in chair (release tension). Looked at lovely red shiny buttons, & pretty red swirl pattern like tree branches in the snow. Then smelled the fabric of the sleeve, which smells like ME (home/ safe) & was deeply comforting. Made me remember lying in bed with Chaos Zero; immediate peace

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
INSTANT, DEEP "SOOTHING/ COMFORTING" CALMED DOWN. Like melting away anxiety, or coming home after a long day. COMPLETELY took me OUT OF THE BUSY WORLD for a solid minute; fresh remembrance LINGERED in awareness, helping KEEP the peace. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= 10

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
5


----------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Flashbacks to SLC while taking a shower. Vivid & very disturbing. Even Julie fronting to help wasn't making it go away. Harmonia trying to front brought in CNC flashbacks too, making it even scarier.

SKILLS USED=
VISION, SMELL, TOUCH

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I cleared my mind as much as I could and focused on the light glittering off the water, like sparkles. I looked at the light brown wall and the green-yellow-blue of the shower curtain. I smelled the peppermint soap. And I ended the shower with ICY water, like winter snow. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
It took my attention off of the bad flashbacks for a while. The moment I just looked at the sparkling water in sheer wonder filled me with a sudden and genuine joy. The icy water made me smile with sheer surprise. The peppermint smell was deeply comforting, like Christmas.

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 80
AFTER= 30

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"STOP" SKILL PRACTICE



101624


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
"Fall Harvest Fest" at 11AM. Saw prep: DONUTS, CORNSTALKS, LOUD MUSIC, "BEANBAG TOSS," etc. IN BIG GROUPS WITH STRANGERS, UNABLE TO SAY NO OR ESCAPE. "Flashbacks" to CHILDHOOD/ CNC.

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
CATASTROPHIZING about the "Fall Harvest Festival"

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
PAUSED & went upstairs. Deep breaths, talk to Laurie. Acknowledged my fear & bad memories, ALSO others' joy. DECIDED to "MAKE IT BETTER" by CHOOSING to FIND JOY & SHARE IT, for OTHERS' SAKES.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
"CHRISTIAN REDEMPTIVE MISSON"!! "The past DOES NOT define the NOW!" I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE TO FIND & FEEL JOY EVEN NOW, and so TRANSFORM IT INTO A "GOOD MEMORY" = HEAL THE PAST!! Also, DO THIS FOR MOM. She LOVES this stuff, and I want to SHARE THAT WITH HER. (Also, Leon really wants that pumpkin pie ♥) MAKE THIS FUN!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 9
AFTER= 6

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (DETERMINATION!)
(TOLERATED THE DISTRESS/ COPED IN REALTIME!)


-------------------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
EATING A SOY BURGER & DRINKING SOYMILK & PLANNING TO DRINK AM DRINKING ANOTHER FOR SNACK. CONVINCED THAT I'M STILL DEATHLY ALLERGIC. Every attempt feels like FACING DEATH. 

BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
TERRORQUIT/ DESPAIR RELAPSE/ ALLERGY PANIC LOOP

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
STOPPED by watching 6th Sense on TV with the group, to put distance between me/ panic. Reminded self that our allergist said we have NO TRUE ALLERGY to soy, and NO SYMPTOMS of concern. Others congratulated me on bravery. Decided to TRUST & BRAVELY TRY AGAIN. 

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TRUSTING GOD & REASON. Others are proud of my brave efforts to FACE & CONQUER this fear-- which MY OWN ALLERGIST SAYS IS EXAGGERATED; SHE TOLD TEAM I DO NOT HAVE A SOY ALLERGY-- and I WANT TO LIVE UP TO THEIR FAITH IN ME. Dude I am EATING EGGS DAILY & NOT DYING. They had the SAME "WEAL" ON THE SKINPRICK TEST AS SOY. YOU WILL NOT DIE. TODAY PROVES IT. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)= 
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3 (GOTTA FACE IT AGAIN, AND FEEL THIS AS TRUE)


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"IMPROVE THE MOMENT" SKILL PRACTICE


101824


PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
SOY NAUSEA & BRUTAL NIGHTMARES. 

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Going upstairs & just embracing Anxi, talking with her & consoling her
M= This suffering is strengthening my patience, courage, & COMMITMENT to CHOOSE JOY!
P= CAST ALL YOUR CARES UPON THE LORD, FOR HE CARES FOR YOU + Morning offering
R= Taking a hot/cold shower with PEPPERMINT soap, and wearing my softest outfit
O= Repeatedly bringing mind back to NOW/ grounding
V= doing FUN worksheets!
E= Anxi/ Laurie/ God/ peers/ staff ALL reminding me of MY TRUE CHARACTER

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
TOTALLY SHIFTED FOCUS. "VACATION" WORKED SO WELL??? I literally just focused on going through worksheets and it INTERRUPTED the intense loop, although the symptoms persist. But now the other letters have a better foundation to work from. And TRUST IN GOD!

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4 (SHOCKINGLY EFFECTIVE)


---------------------------

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Phone call with mom. Got NO support on my recent recovery victories; instead she focused on my past failures & even projected them onto the present. I felt unseen, unheard, invalidated, like I hadn't changed at all.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
I= Upstairs with Chaos 0, Laurie, Anxi.
M= Journaled about it. Need to let go & stop basing my recovery validation on her.
P= Paula praying for me. Me reminding myself that God is proud of my progress.
R= Deep  breathing, letting my body relax as much as I could, willing hands.
O= Journal, worksheet. Also helps just looking at tablet mealplan calculation data.
V= Went outside & walked around in the night air, laughing at fantastic "foursquare" game
E= All my beloveds sharing my joy & struggle & sorrow & hope for real. We're TOGETHER in this.

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Still very sad, but able to accept reality. Holding on to the support I DO have, and holding on to my faith. Able to admit my own faults & forgive judgments towards mom. Still willing to communicate with her & hoping for a better relationship, but beginning to let go of this expectation. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-10)=
BEFORE= ?
AFTER= ?

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
3


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"ACCEPTS" SKILL PRACTICE


102224

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS= 
PEANUT BUTTER CHALLENGE + HACK NIGHTMARE. Body feeling "flu sick" & nauseous. Risk of allergy panic & exaggerating symptoms (with the pb); flashbacks & despair/identity corrosion from hack. DON'T WANT THAT. But distress still occurring. 

SKILLS USED=
Distract with A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= WORKSHEETS! Reading Matthew Kelly books, GROUP WITH ALYSSA
C= Talking to Paula & giving her encouragement & supportive advice in HER struggles & worries
C= I FACED IT BRO! AND I'M NOT HAVING ALLERGY PANIC! OR WANTING TO PURGE!
E= Thinking about Anxi & Phlegmoni & JMC (peanut butter santas), SMILING/ laughing
P= Flat-out NOT DWELLING ON THE EVENTS. I survived, I did the challenge, BE HERE NOW
T= Spelling, counting, remembering movies & songs, naming colors in the room
S= Just treasuring local textures: clothes, paper, markers, glossy plastic, buttons

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Completely took my mind off the memory/ sickness. Distraction IS helpful! I know it'll subside; I just have to WAIT IT OUT PEACEFULLY. This is PROVING that I'M OKAY AND I WON'T DIE. It's a VITAL SKILL. BEST help: SHARING IN THE JOY OF OTHERS/ NOT THINKING OF MYSELF AT ALL. Literally "get out of my own head"

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 85
AFTER= ~20

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4


-------------------------------------

102624 

PROMPTING EVENT FOR DISTRESS=
Mealplan worry-compulsion; "What's the BEST/ RIGHT choice?" The ones I DID make are proving TOO HIGH VOLUME in reality and I CAN'T BACK OUT. I'm DOOMED TO TERROR & SUFFERING UNTIL THURSDAY. I'm struggling to cope with this.

SKILLS USED=
PROS & CONS
DISTRACT WITH A.C.C.E.P.T.S.

DESCRIBE USE OF SKILLS=
A= Doing weekly recap worksheets, mealplan budget, & journaling, plus a MOVIE  (live-action little mermaid)
C= Not isolating from peers. Sharing Halloween card with them. Talk to Rhi/ Melanie.
C= "I'D RATHER SUFFER THAN SIN." WILLING TO FACE THIS WITH FAITH.
E= Anxi again. Laurie encouraging. Thinking of Chaos 0 with the movie plot. 
P= I can't go back on my decisions. I want to learn to FACE the consequences.
T= Thinking about typecodes! Trying to remember the data. It brings me joy.
S= The taste of the pita chips at snack, the smell of autumn air, the sound of URSULA ON TV

DESCRIBE OUTCOME OF USING SKILLS=
Laurie, Anxi, & Chaos 0 reminding me that these mealplan struggles are TEMPORARY and they are TEACHING US HARD BUT VITAL LESSONS, and in the process "FORCING" US TO GROW IN VIRTUE & FAITH... and to GROW CLOSER TOGETHER IN LOVE. And THAT IS FOREVER, AND WORTH LIVING/ FIGHTING FOR. 

RATE LEVEL OF DISTRESS (1-100)=
BEFORE= 100
AFTER= 25 & falling!

RATE EFFECTIVENESS OF SKILLS (1-5)=
4

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROS & CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES


PROBLEM BEHAVIOR YOU ARE TRYING TO STOP=
ALLERGY PANIC (EGG/ SOY/ SESAME/ SHRIMP)

ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
AVOIDANCE/ PANIC RESTRICTION/ TERROR "DESPAIRQUIT"; GIVE UP TRYING

PROS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. DON'T HAVE TO "STARE DEATH IN THE FACE" EACH MEAL
2. AVOID FEELING SICK/ ITCHY/ NAUSEOUS/ TERRIFIED
3. DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M "HURTING MYSELF" BY EATING "POISON"
4. CAN EAT OTHER FOODS THAT I ACTUALLY ENJOY INSTEAD
5. AVOID MEALTIME PANIC; CAN RELAX AT "NO DANGER"

CONS OF ACTING ON CRISIS URGES=
1. STILL "CONTROLLED" BY FEAR. OBSESSIVE INGREDIENT AVOIDANCE.
2. FEEDS INTO RESTRICTION BEHAVIOR IN GENERAL
3. NOT BEING COURAGEOUS; NOT ACTING ON CORE VALUES
4. ACTING IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO ALLERGIST REASSURANCE
5. HAUNTED BY "DEATH TERROR." NOT TRULY RECOVERING. 

RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
BELIEVING FACTS & PROFESSIONAL ADVICE/ REASON; GET OVER FEARS

PROS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MAKE MOM/ TEAM AND SELF PROUD/ JOYFUL IN VICTORY
2. ACT COURAGEOUSLY; PROVE I CAN MEET THE CHALLENGE
3. GRADUALLY LESSEN THE GRIP OF FEAR/ PANIC CONTROL
4. FREE TO EAT "ALLERGY FEAR FOODS" IN ALL CONTEXTS
5. MOVE MORE FULLY INTO RECOVERY/ FREEDOM/ PEACE

CONS OF RESISTING CRISIS URGES=
1. MIGHT STILL "FEEL SICK" AND HAVE TO SIT WITH THE TERROR
2. WILL BE CONVINCED I AM DYING FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR
3. NEED TO REPEAT EXPOSURE. MENTALLY EXCRUCIATING.
4. PSYCHOLOGICAL/ PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION & EXERTION
5. NO "PROOF" OF SAFETY. MUST TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH. 


★ BESIDES THE E.D., WHAT ARE MY ACTUAL CRISIS URGES??
LASHING OUT? VIOLENCE? SELFHARM? FIGHTING? RAGEQUIT?
(ALL OF THOSE TRIGGER A PURGE REACTION)


"Identify which of these are short-term (just for today) and which are long-term (beyond today). Would you rather have a good day or a good life? Make mindful choices about your behavior.
"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"TIP" SKILL PRACTICE


"TEMPERATURE" 
SITUATION=
 Dude we do this BEFORE EVERY MEAL, even at home
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 85  AFTER= 10
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 85
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= We go to the room sink, wet paper towels with cold water, and wash our face/ ears/ neck with it. The wet & cold, with our eyes closed, instantly helps us chill out a significant bit

"INTENSE EXERCISE"
SITUATION=
 Fall fest; deciding to play "cornhole" until I got 5 in the hole, running back & forth
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 60 AFTER= 0
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 50  AFTER= 100
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= I threw 5 beanbags in a row each time, trying to stand form & aim straight & with a strong arm. Then I ran to get them & ran back. I did this at least 12 times? Laughing & happy

"PACED BREATHING" (COUNTING)
SITUATION= OVERWHELMED & dissociated from talking too much/ for too long, ALL DAY 
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 80
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 10  AFTER= 50
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Closed eyes/ willing hands, went upstairs (Imagery skill) & Laurie counted for me. Unfortunately I just felt like I was suffocating (breathing exercises usually do that to me) so it KEPT me anxious in that regard. LET KYANOS DO IT!!

"PAIRED MUSCLE RELAXATION" (w/ breathing)
SITUATION= Disturbing sexual stuff on TV, I can't tune it out or leave the room
DISTRESS LEVEL BEFORE= 100 AFTER= 5
DISTRESS TOLERANCE BEFORE= 0  AFTER= 90
DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID= Tightened my arms/ legs/ stomach while inhaling, then released tension all at once while exhaling forcefully. FOCUSED on breathing, meditative. Shockingly effective; helps "reset brain mood" and gives a quick outlet for violence/ rage/ "fight" trauma survival instinct



prismaticbleed: (held)


DISTRACTING WITH "WISE MIND ACCEPTS"

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

ACTIVITIES
1013 = Filling out mealplan "shuffle tickets" for exhange options (10)
1014 = QuiGong "massage" chi meditation on Youtube, thanks Sarah! (7)
1015 = Journaling about family session, flirting with Mimic over popcorn (10)

CONTRIBUTIONS
1013 = Called mom's house & left a "hello" message for Excalibur (10)
1014 = Consistently offered compliments to fellow patients during the day (9)
1015 = Giving as sincere feedback as I could to Armani & Rylee (8)

COMPARISONS
1013 = Talked with MJ about progress since admission AND CNC (9)
1014 = Grateful that I HAVE food to eat, and I'm safe here (10)
1015 = I am BOTH WILLING & ABLE to sit with nausea & food fears today?? (6)

EMOTIONS
1013 = Alexis/ Erika played that new Bruno Mars tune and my heart just LIT UP (100)
1014 = Thinking about my beloved Centralites, even just SEEING them (100)
1015 = Hugging Anxi, comforting her & cherishing her when I felt anxious (100)

PUSHING AWAY
1013 = Repeatedly "put Tuesday in God's Hands" and focused on today (9)
1014 = Choosing to be patient & simply be present, trust God's timing (9)
1015 = Refuse to obsess over the nausea; "it is what it is & it'll pass" (9)

THOUGHTS
1013 = Thinking about different exchange ticket item variations (9)
1014 = Thinking about different kinds of fruits, and where to buy them (9)
1015 = Actually REMEMBERING typecode resonances & reflecting on them (100)

SENSATIONS
1013 = I felt the braille letters on the laundry room door (8)
1014 = I put my head into the hot shower to wash my hair (10)
1015 = The ORANGE SALMON! The TACOS! The TRIX (brand new)! (10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SELF-SOOTHING

101324 - 101624

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

VISION
1013 = Looked up at the moon & stars & shimmering clouds (10)
1014 = Wondering at how pretty the yogurt texture & color was (10)
1015 = The beautiful indigo hue of the menu in my folder, like Leon (10)
1016 = Admiring the beautiful shimmering red buttons on my pajama outfit (10)

HEARING
1013 = Listened to that new Bruno Mars System song on loop in our head (10)
1014 = Humming to self, whatever notes I'm feeling in the moment (10)
1015 = Talking to my mom & hearing her voice & how proud she is of me (10)
1016 = All the GOOD MUSIC & friendly talk from Scott during Fall Fest (10)

SMELL
1013 = Fresh air outside in the morning, evening, AND nighttime! (10)
1014 = The smell of the clementine peel at breakfast, bright & fresh & orange (7)
1015 = The nice mintiness of everyone's Simethicone, seriously! (10)
1016 = My old white pajama top, that still smells like home & grandma (9)

TASTE
1013 = REALLY enjoyed the waffles at breakfast & the peas at lunch & the DINNER ROLL (10)
1014 = The BONUS HOT CEREAL + SUNBUTTER wonder we got for breakfast (8)
1015 = How fresh & nice the tomato & lettuce were in the lunch tacos (8)
1016 = PUMPKIN PIE with Leon & Lynne! / SESAME SEEDS AT LAST! (10)

TOUCH
1013 = Stood in the morning sunlight & felt the warmth on my face (10)
1014 = Soft pajamas, the texture of paper, cold smooth stone (9)
1015 = The soft tortillas at lunch, the smooth apple at dinner, solid ground (10)
1016 = The SOFT SOFT POTSTICKERS! And RUNNING THROUGH THE GRASS! (10)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IMPROVE THE MOMENT

101324 - 101524

(date + skill usage + 1-10 effectiveness)

IMAGERY
1013 = Going to the "Gimmelwald" heartspace with Leon & Laurie (10)
1014 = Visiting the Indigo & Violet color realms & just BEING there (10)
1015 = Thinking about the "IDEAL" future recovery life, with the System & family (8)

MEANING
1013 = The blueberry poptart snack got me to TALK WITH LEON ♥ (100)
1014 = The "option shortage" gave us an unexpected PERFECT BREAKFAST ♥ (10)
1015 = Getting sick from cinnamon prompted a GREAT recovery conversation with MJ (10)

PRAYER
1013 = Praying for the people around me who were struggling (9)
1014 = Said a "Hail Mary" when tabletalk became inappropriate/ lewd (10)
1015 = Reading "The 3 Ordinary Voices of God" and CHOOSING to LISTEN & LIVE IT (10)

RELAXATION
1013 = Looked at the sunset, which was all pink and lilac (8)
1014 = Deep breathing, embracing Chaos 0 & Laurie for comfort upstairs (10)
1015 = Hot shower & scrubbing/ massaging like the monk taught us (10)

ONE THING IN THE MOMENT
1013 = Superfocused on tearing papers for the exchange tickets (10)
1014 = Superfocused on the action of writing with the marker (10)
1015 = Repeatedly physically grounding & refocusing my attention (?)

VACATION
1013 = Just had some nice, non-treatment small talk with MJ (9)
1014 = Chillin' on the liquidcrystal beach upstairs with the CoreGroup (& OCEAN DRINKS ♥) (9)
1015 = Genesis & I planning to visit MU for the CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING (10)

ENCOURAGEMENT
1013 = Laurie CONSTANTLY friendly-punching my arm & encouraging me (∞)
1014 = Seeing unexpected mealplan alterations as new adventures to enjoy (10)
1015 = Reminding myself, "I CAN do this. I WANT to succeed, and I WILL!" (10)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REALITY ACCEPTANCE SKILLS

101524 - 101724

(date + skill usage + 1-5 effectiveness)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
1015 = Disgusting romance on TV. I can't change it. It'll pass. LET GO of disgust. (2)
1015 = My past is my past. I can't change it. But it ALL led me to be who I am today. (4)
1016 = Upset at being too dissociated at dinner. Grateful I STILL enjoyed it. Felt disappointment AND joy. (3)

TURNING THE MIND
1015 = "I can choose to gripe about snack, OR accept the BONUS RETRY & CHERISH it" (4)
1015 = ✳ "I can CHOOSE to be patient & loving & kind, OR be mean & impatient & rude" (5)
1017 = SO SCARED OF SOY. Want to purge/ restrict. Allergy panic. BUT I CANNOT GIVE UP OR FLEE. (2)

WILLINGNESS (not what I want, but FOR LOVE OF ALL)
1015 = "Wanted 2 BelVita"; BUT chose wafers FOR MOM + more BelVita for others
1016 = Scott talking to me while I was eating; CHOSE to FULLY enter into conversation; LOVELY (5)
1016 = I don't want to talk. Angry, exhausted. Decide to gently assert boundary if asked, NOT resisting (3)

HALF-SMILING
1015 = When feeling "regret" over not choosing snack I "wanted" + FOUND MEANING IN CHOICE I DID MAKE (3)
1015 = Everyone else using phone. Did this while happy at them talking to their families (4)
1016 = EXHAUSTED from talking too much. Smiled & was grateful for being TRUSTED to LISTEN (3)

WILLING HANDS 
1015 = When group was watching TV that I didn't like (3)
1015 = Peers acting silly; instead of judging, accept them just as THEY are (5)
1016 = Gotta go to Fall Fest, facing old fears. Decided WE'RE GONNA ENJOY IT. (5)

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS
1015 = "I want ALL BelVita" like a child scared of "not getting more"; watched with COMPASSION (3)
1016 = Fears about Fall Fest/ flashback memories; watched & imagined GOOD things there (3)
1017 = So, so sad/ scared/ lost/ helpless/ frightened. Listen to that confession as sad song. (4)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (Default)

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1001

Church: GOSPEL + LAST NIGHT VERSE REVELATION
"Save life vs lose life"= ACTIONS, not results!!

BK AT 220 ;_____;

Evening =

Finding a spot to put the 5ft lights
In room= under desk attempt. REMEMBER WE DID THIS IN THE HOMESTEAD!!!
Decided not to put them there; wanted red.
Bright idea to put 5ft around bathroom mirror, for getting ready in morning-- doesn't blind us, and also respects privacy with open door.

Kitchen lights fixing at like 9pm? Put up a string by microwave, up the wall, to chase away corner shadows

Mimic going to bed early, "so sue me for appreciating the fact that I can actually sleep safely here."
I casually said "love you goodnight" and in his drowsiness he replied "I love you too, see you in the morning"
Laurie LOOKED at me, pointed to calendar, mark the milestone date that he was ABLE to let his walls down even for just a second

LYNNE randomly took the melatonin tonight
Julie asked why this isn't more common? Why is she herself the one pushed out?
Laurie said she's the only Centralite who CAN eat, and is one of the only foni trusted TO eat.
Lynne added that in any case, the melatonin "tasted pink" so it would naturally call her out

Stayed up to pray on couch.
Sacrifice was NO BIKE today. Day of rest! Genuinely hard to do, so offered it up.
Falling asleep but still got all prayers in, and got to bed early enough to get legit sleep! God rewards efforts of devotion, always.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1002

Bathroom mirror lights work perfectly!
Lynne very pleased with them

Blood sugar 70 at mass
We feel SO SICK after we take glucose???

UNBEARABLE GUILT during morning Chaplets. Couldn't focus. Felt like death row.

Kitchen lighting = lights BELOW eye level CAUSES PANIC??? Bizarre. Is that triggering BASEMENT FEAR??

Egg disaster again
Moping! Felt like everything I did was wrong always
LAURIE PRAYED FOR ME

Evening=
Utterly exhausted. Literally 30 MINUTES of free time to rest. That's it. Lord please give us strength.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1003

WHAT A BUSY DAY!!!

Church. Lady from daily crew passed away. Father gave homily about her, tied into Gospel! We all prayed for her.
Adoration as usual, plus reading about today's TEN MARTYRS from the Reformation attacks on Catholics. Genuinely disturbing that we never even knew that happened.

Got home, immediately & spontaneously CUT HAIR.
Shower
Laundry
Faucet fix
Clean kitchen

FINALLY BREAKFAST AT 150PM 😂

Well, not only does it keep glitching & freezing, but apparently Youversion's update DELETED ALL OUR SAVED PRAYERS.
That's it, man, we're done. We've GOT to find a replacement app.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1005


Fasting again today.
Called office about repairs-- apparently they are always on-call and NOT "native to" our housing? So although we're technically "on their list" of jobs to complete, there is NO set schedule and it might take DAYS before they actually show up. so there is literally NO WAY to predict their arrival. the lady in the office said they weren't even on site today. which was also unexpected. so yeah, this is going to be a prolonged cross. God's will be done; He has good reasons for this, and we trust Him. we've already learned a LOT.

Mom called during Rosary
Paid full attention to her!!

BK prep FURIOUS OCD Kakofoni
Laurie AXED
Realized we no longer have Infi to transmute Tar
ALSO REALIZED HIR ENTIRE TRANSMUTATION METHOD WAS AN EXPLICIT SXABUSE/ED MIRROR.
...

...our unwillingness to forgive is what killed Infinitii.
ZE did it. ZE was the one directly responsible for that fatal event. But ze was only trying to love, as misled & misinformed as ze was.
Even so... without hir, now, how DO we "forgive ourself"-- AND Oliver, who Infi LOVED?
In Infi's heart, I think, forgiveness is already there. There's enough love AND grief for it.
...

Harbor blue twilight sky at 1845, with streetlights on = INSTANT "THEME PARK EVENING" PANIC!!! Almost debilitating; hard to breathe, shaking, heart racing. WHY THIS SEVERE???


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1006

Last night= wouldn't let self relax. Tumblr waste time. Got so depressed & angry crying from guilt.
Then suddenly CULTURE VULTURES????
I FORGOT how much I love that album. Gotta put it on the phone!


Repairmen ACTUALLY knocked on our door around 930-- BY ACCIDENT. But God said it was time to comfort us, and to tell us that our door repairs are TUESDAY!!
I have to thank God profusely for these two days of heavy fasting & prayer (now day three). I have learned a great deal, and have been humbled in my starkly revealed weakness. But this is grace. I must cling to it, and continue in it.

Saint Bruno's feast day! Universalis bio referred me HERE
https://maps.app.goo.gl/AEppTXjctmAmLK7q6
I am ACTUALLY IN TEARS from the sheer beauty of it. It's so simple, yet so grandiose in God's splendor. Pray for us Saint Bruno.

Lynne eating carrots= VIBE MATCH! Proves that she IS Orange, NOT Vermillion!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1007


Slept until 9
SO exhausted. We never feel rested.

Prayers tough from fatigue, emotional turmoil. Prayed for help & grace.
Focus was better than yesterday; we're learning to "speak TO Mary" and listen more than think.

Passion prayers during cooking= EASIER WITH AUDIO???

Rosary moved to tears w/ Visitation + music. Hit home.
Reflecting on VIRTUES manifested in each Mystery, in the Hearts of Mary AND Jesus.

It's raining outside and everything smells like heaven.
Wet fallen leaves are honestly one of the most comforting childhood memory scents we have; it's the beautiful backyard when EVERYTHING turns orange & crimson & maroon.
I've gotta go up there soon. Mom has cut down so many of the trees, but... the woods remains, and THAT is where I want-- where I NEED-- to let my heart run free.


...Xenophon doesn't have me feed her with the chopsticks anymore. She asks for the bowl & feeds herself now.
It's a bit sad, but it's inevitable. We're both growing older. She's TWELVE now for heavens sakes, in literal age, not minusing the "dead years" after CNC-- and even if we did, she'd still be hitting 8.
...Today she was talking about moving into the League. She recognizes the aging too, and the irreversible life changes, especially in me. Her father is no longer up front. The bloodline shifted entirely. Her role in my life is completely different; we're not biologically related, and she isn't a child anymore. She's finally accepting that. It just... aches, somehow, this loss,this absence, this knowledge that she SHOULD mean more to me and we SHOULD be closer but... we're not. I'm too different; we come from different timelines, different worlds, different lives.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1008

Unbelievably exhausted waking up. Fibro probably

Blood sugar would NOT go above 84??
So cold too. Hands numb.
Glucose shot up to 104 once driving??? Stress??

Wegmans shop, Walmart stop
Jade car shift
EAR CANDY TUNES by CAPSULE!

Huge mistake BK prep = tried the gummies & vegchips
POISON PANIC FONI FREAKED OUT.
Not Allegra. She says that's her LITTLE SISTER.
Our face & lips DID get red & puffy. SCARED. took benadryl.
Kissed Jesus & Mary pictures with faith and it CURED IT!!!

BK at 3PM WTF.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101223

LOTS of sharp lower abdominal pain this morning. Wanting to vomit from it.

BK prep Passion prayers again. Sincere.

Early schedule for films. We need to watch them all within 3 days because they're due and we've put it off for two weeks already. But we don't want to be so irresponsible/ lazy/ rejecting of own goals to not watch them.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1016


Church. Made the effort
No sanctuary candle???
Unexpected visitor in back. social mode kicked in and we COULDN'T PRAY. brain literally would not think because everything was forced external. disturbing to feel this hard shift in realtime. 

JORDAN PETERSON YouTube sudden diversion when we got home.
NEED to watch his talks.

Jade shower stop. Family trouble again.

Cleanup & prayers. Reflecting on them more with the System
Accidental shower haha

Mom called, JADE GOT FIRED??????


prismaticbleed: (Default)

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0901

First Friday.
So sick from fasting, heat, dehydration, thought we were having a heart attack

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0904

"the hired shepherd, a mercenary, who tends a flock not his own for his own interests...those ministers who care chiefly for the emoluments and advantages of their position, and retire when the position becomes irksome or dangerous."
Saw Mimic flinch. Offered hand to him solemnly. Took it. Hurting obviously but somber.
Laurie said "regret is good. It Shows that you recognize that what you did before was sin. It came from a cold heart, a hard heart. Now it's softened enough to feel pain over how it was. Don't shut that down. Remorse is a holy thing." "It's the evidence that you are a better person now"? "And you can grow better still" 

Works if mercy as a mentally ill person= What CAN I do? What feels LIKE merciful help for me that I can give?
Visit sick, NOT to talk, but to CARE, like with grandma. Others can talk. It would only harm me & make me unable to help truly.

Christ the Good shepherd goes before us in all of life, Even the darkest places, Because of his death on the cross in which he went before us even to death. And he feeds us up himself to show that, Not only is he the true food the true life that feds our soul, BUT  To also show that he needs no outside thing. All earthly food is taken from something else? Humans eat animals, Animals eat plants, plants eat light. CHRIST IS LIGHT!!!


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0908
 
SPECTRUM VIRTUES VS VICES

JULIE= LUST = PINK
MISSY = ENVY? = BLUE
BRIDGET = GREED = GREEN

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0911

 
Bravely ran to mass in rain

ACV spill hell
Got SO VIOLENTLY ANGRY????

Struggling to trust God, "I don't know why you're doing this but I know you have a good reason. Please help me trust You"

Joyful Mysteries HIT as a result of suffering backdrop!!!!!

Mom vegetables TERROR.
Allergy kid HYSTERICAL
 

Who was Janice in our System????
It resonates with SOMEONE,  post-grandma pre-hospital. Very tumultuous time period.

Laurie commented on something? Concerning our healing from the e.d. relating to Bible study?
I think maybe this =
"He calls, "Lazarus, come forth!" It is not therefore in answer to prayer that Lazarus was raised, but by the Lord's own authoritative, divine word. In spite of being bound hand and foot with graveclothes, Lazarus came forth. His face too was bound (v.44): he could not see where he was going, but the power was in the voice that called him, the power of resurrection life. The miracle is accomplished fully and perfectly... life itself is entirely in the hands of the Son of God."
IT'S FAITH. We've known this from the beginning. Either God ALONE heals us, by Himself, or we die. No therapist, no hospital, no medication, no parent, no selfhelp advice, no force of will, no human effort whatsoever would, or could, save us. Only God.
We only needed to have faith in HIM ALONE. That is where we still tragically struggle, like with the allergy panic.
"For grace, not law, is to be the power of the new life." Wondering about how that applies to TRUE e.d. recovery, as BOTH the illness AND UPMC were ALL ABOUT LAWS.

As we morbidly feared,
Mom food terror triggered a DESTRUCTION BINGE.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
0912 
 
before going to sleep, me & laurie talking about how mimic feels safe to sleep upstairs

"I love him."
"I know."
"I want the absolute best for him. 
"Newsflash, kid, that's love. 
"T know, Laurie, I'm just repeating myself in different words. 
"Yeah, and I know that. I love you too. 

"He's in good hands. 
"I hope so. By the grace of God, I hope I can give that to him. 
"Well, if it's the grace of God, then you will.
"...that's like the MOST reassuring thing you could have possibly said. 
"Thank the Holy Spirit! 
 

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0913

Sore throat means LOVELY LOW VOICE!!!

Shopping for food since we finally had a car
Everything we needed was out of stock!!
Bravely but difficultly choosing to trust God's plan in this

Walmart clothes dissociation
Gender war hell. Clothes are dramatically binarist

Home for 11

Brief IDW Tumblr browsing
Heartache for Mimic. Knowing that he's SPECIFICALLY written as a hard villain.
Still seeing his behavior as Duo and wondering, if you hadn't hardened your hearts, what would you be like? If you were unafraid & free, if you let yourself have friends and be one to them... what would you be like?
Deep sorrow that he's probably doomed by the authors. Still fiercely hoping against hope, as it were.

Vitamin overdose freakout
Crunching numbers for TWO HOURS

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0924

CHURCH MORNING!!!
DOUBLE MASSES & BEAUTIFUL MUSIC
Ashamed & humiliated by my own pride though. Offering it up to God as long as I keep catching it.

Social out joke-singing as we put gas in car; evidently muffling the schedule stress & glucose symptoms

Jade talk in car, disturbing laughter, very upsetting topics. Said nothing much but listened actively. All we can do

BK prep as usual. No mistakes despite wooziness & rush, thank God
Basilica homily = Walsingham!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0926

Church, stayed for Lauds
Said first 3 beadprayers when home. Getting better with this as a schedule; it hasn't "clicked in" yet so its still a push. But in time the struggle will decrease. I want it to be a beloved duty, fully so. I do love prayer, this body just complains from the effort & this brain whines about the exertion. Tis a cross, son!

BK prep
Audrey doing her compulsory lyric quoting

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0930

 
Late start to the day. Slept in due to utter exhaustion.
VERY apocalyptic flat nightmares. All with family.
Death, war, torture, conspiracy, arson, murder, etc.


SO sickly tired. 0% battery. What's going on?
Head completely messed. Uniting this to Crown of Thorns

Face burning, scared. Picked up crucifix, had Him kiss my face. Said, "either He will heal it, or unite it to His Cross." Then just surrendered. Suddenly I realized the BURNING WENT AWAY!!! He is so kind to me. Remember all these little mercies & proofs of compassion; they are powerful weapons against doubt & despair.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


prismaticbleed: (angel)


this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.

(these entries MIGHT actually be moved into their own entries after all, ONCE we write proper commentary on them and so can stand alone. As of right now, this is just a proper bank for keeping them all together.)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




0904

"The “Ecce Homo” of these Christians was unmarked by horror and outrage. [But] An adequate picture of the human Christ will not exclude those deep lines of suffering which came through His voluntary Self-abasement."


BIBLE STUDY GAME CHANGER!!!!!!

"17. Therefore ] Better, On this account , or, For this cause (12:18, 27). See on 7:22 and 8:47, and comp. 5:16, 18, 6:65. The Father’s love for the incarnate Son is intensified by the self-sacrifice of the Son. // ...that I might take it again ] literally, in order that I may take it again . This clause is closely connected with the preceding one: ‘that’ depends upon ‘because.’ ⭐⭐Only because Christ was to take His human life again was His death such as the Father could have approved. Had the Son returned to heaven at the Crucifixion leaving His humanity on the Cross, the salvation of mankind would not have been won, the sentence of death would not have been reversed, we should be ‘yet in our sins’ (1 Corinthians 15:17 ). Moreover, in that case He would have ceased to be the Good Shepherd: He would have become like the hireling, casting aside his duty before it was completed. The office of the True Shepherd is not finished until all mankind become His flock; and this work continues from the Resurrection to the Day of Judgment."⭐⭐
THIS IS WHY I READ LIKE 15 COMMENTARIES!!!!

And
"He and His sheep have most intimate knowledge of one another; therefore these Jews asking who He is prove that they are not His sheep."
Like sheep asking a man, "are you my shepherd or not?" But how would they NOT know?
They haven't been paying any attention to him, or to their care; they take it for granted; they are deaf or blind; they reject a shepherd's basic authority & reality???
But a sheep doesn't need to ask! They RECOGNISE-- not only the shepherd BUT ALSO THEIR FELLOW SHEEP???
By this question they prove they AREN'T EVEN SHEEP???

"the gift of eternal life is regarded as already possessed by the faithful. It is not a promise , the fulfilment of which depends upon man’s conduct, but a gift , the retention of which depends upon ourselves... Christ’s sheep cannot be taken from Him against their will; but their will is free, and they may choose to leave the flock."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Salvation by GRACE & DEATH = shepherd die as a sheep for the sheep = WHY? Because sacrifice was "life for life" : human nature corrupted by original sin could NOT go back to God; tainted? Had no inherent goodness to change itself. Needed CHRIST infusing HIS nature INTO OURS. His death in our place through UNITY with Him = brings US to life again???
DON'T FORGET "through the blood of the everlasting covenant" !!!

"the Good Shepherd who died for us, and by whose stripes we are healed, has now become the Great Shepherd who lives for us... Thus it is that Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd, who gave us life, through His blood; is now risen indeed, and is reaching down to give us strength to live for Him, in a life well pleasing in His sight."


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0908

Mimic & Julie both moved by today's new devotional =
(Chosen at random; just so happened to reference today's gospel reading)

"[Jesus's] genealogy is full of blemishes and reveals that the most unlikely characters are part of Jesusʼ story... [several are] Gentile women, considered unclean and racial outsiders, [and] most of them have scandalous pasts... How are they in the family? How are they part of the story of Jesus? Although itʼs shocking and counterintuitive, itʼs what makes Christmas good news! Once considered outsiders they are now included in the family of God.
"Jesus is the great reconciler and allows our story to be woven into to his. Christmas announces that we all can have a new story, regardless of who we are or what we have done. Maybe youʼve always felt like you were on the outside. God wants you to be included. Jesus alone makes this a reality. His story can be your story!"


This hits US hard for our history (sx/ed) =
"Jesus wept... Behold how He loved him! Loved him, what does that mean? 'I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.' (Matthew 9:13) But some of them said, 'Could not this man, who opened the eyes of the blind, have caused that even this man should not die?' But He, who would do nought to hinder his dying, had something greater in view in raising him from the dead."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0909

Just got THIS shocker of a commentary=
"In the voice of indignation appears the hope of resurrection; in truth Jesus foresaw that He because of the raising up of Lazarus would be crucified by the envious Pharisees; yet not allowing this to stand in the way, He determined to raise him up; which act of heroic fortitude He allowed to be manifested in this groan. So soldiers groan when battle is near, and excite and sharpen their anger for the difficult and perilous combat that is imminent; for their anger is the whetstone of valour and bravery. Hence also we, when temptation, whether of the devil, the flesh, and the world, threatens, should sharpen our anger against them, that we may overcome the temptation; for by anger is concupiscence overcome, though the difficulty of the task be great."

TAKE THAT, ALL YOU PETULANTLY PACIFISTIC THRISKEFONI!!!!
THIS ALSO EXPLAINS DISTURBINGLY PERFECTLY WHY THEIR EFFECTIVELY FORCING LAURIE TO "NOT BE ANGRY" IS LITERALLY KILLING HER!!!!!

THIS IS SUPER INTERESTING AND HELPS EXPLAIN WHY YESTERDAY DISTURBED US=
"Christ, as he was truly man, had the affections and passions of human nature; yet so that he was master, even of the first motions, which could not raise in him any disturbance or disorderly inclinations. He permitted, therefore, and, as it is said, raised in himself these affections of compassion and grief at this time. "
"He permitted freely and willingly to Himself the strong feeling both of indignation, as already mentioned, and of commiseration and tears, because of the common lamentation of Martha, Mary, and the rest; for it would have been inhuman not to grieve and sympathise with them. For them therefore Jesus was troubled.
Note these passions of indignation, sorrow, commiseration, and weeping, were in such a manner in Christ as not to overbear His reason and will, or to arise unbidden as they are aroused with us; but rather to follow His reason, and to be ruled and excited by it. On which account right reason always used to direct and regulate them. Therefore [S. John] says, He troubled Himself (turbavit Seipsum); not, He was troubled. Wherefore these passions were in Christ not so much passions, as feelings in place of passions, freely taken... For Christ was able as He chose to excite them, to soften, to moderate, to rule, to direct... the misery therefore of Lazarus and of all men excited the pity of Christ, the pity excited indignation against such troubles, the indignation increased the pity, and at the same time with it aroused zeal, and a purpose of taking away those troubles, even with the casting away of His own life by the death upon the Cross, by which so great a benefit was alone to be purchased, according to what Isaiah says (63:4-5), “The day of vengeance is in my heart . . . and my fury it upheld me.”"
"Christ became all things to all men; poor to the poor, rich to the rich, weeping with the weeping, hungering with the hungry, thirsting with the thirsty, full with the abounding; He is in prison with the poor man, with Mary He weeps, with the Apostles He eats, with the Samaritan woman he thirsts."

EMOTIONS ARE THEREFORE NOT EVIL OR "UNGODLY"!!!!!!!!!
THEY, TOO, CAN SERVE HOLY PURPOSES, IF THEY ARE UNDER THE CONTROL OF CHRIST IN US!!
It is only when they run wild, and are so DISORDERED, that they are harmful. They, too, are affected by the Fall, and THEREFORE ALSO "REDEEMED" BY JESUS. This incident is PROOF.

Geez there is SO MUCH IMPORTANT STUFF here.
Concerning TEARS=
"[Jesus wept, also, so] that adding tears to His speech, He might make it stronger and more efficacious; for tears are a sign of vehement grief and affliction, and also of desire and longing: wherefore God is accustomed to hear and answer prayers seasoned, and as it were armed, with tears. So Christ on the [eve of the] Cross offering up prayers and supplications with strong crying and tears, was heard in that He feared. [E. & Heb. V. 7, pro suâ reverentiâ, Vulg.] So Tobit (xii. 12) heard from S. Raphael, “When thou didst pray with tears, and didst bring the dead, . . . I brought thy prayer before the Lord.” So Jacob, wrestling with the angel, obtained a blessing (Gen. xxxii. 29). Wherefore? because he wept and besought him (Hosea xii. 4). “The tears of penitents,” says S. Bernard, “are the wine of angels.” For it is the anguish of the mind in prayer which influences, and as it were compels God to pity, according as it is said, “a contrite and humble heart God shall not despise” (Ps. 51:17); just as the tears of an infant influence the mother, and obtain from her what it asks; for God shows toward us the heart of a mother."

THAT LAST LINE HURTS.

"He was weeping when He saw the pain and the sorrow of humanity, when He saw the pain that His friends Mary and Martha were experiencing as a result of death. And He wept for their grief. Jesus is moved by our infirmities; we have such a great High Priest, who is touched by our weaknesses. He sees us in our frailties. He sees us in our griefs. And He's touched by our feelings of grief and sorrow, by our weaknesses. He's just a loving and compassionate Lord, and One who is moved by our own sorrow and grief. And so, He wept for them."

HE IS NOT INDIFFERENT, COLD, OR CONDEMNING OF EMOTION.
"Then said the Jews, Oh, look how he loved him! ( John 11:36 )They misunderstood completely His weeping too... Jesus wept not for Lazarus. You don't weep for the dead if they are in the Lord."
HE WAS NOT WEEPING FOR LAZARUS, OR FOR HIMSELF!!!!! He was weeping for the pain of THOSE WHO FELT LOSS!!!! It was a SELFLESS, COMPASSIONATE WEEPING, JUST AS MUCH AS IT WAS AN INDIGNANT, RIGHTEOUS WEEPING AT THE POWER OF SIN UNTO DEATH!!!!

"The Son of God sympathises (compatitur), and He weeps; man suffers (patitur), and shall we laugh? ...Christ wept—let man weep for himself: wherefore did Christ weep, unless to teach man to weep? Wherefore did He groan and trouble Himself, except that the faith of man, rightly displeased with himself, should in a manner groan in accusation of his evil works, so that the habit of sinning should yield to the violence of repenting.”


The ENTIRE Lazarus account echoes our miraculous "resurrection" from the tomb-life of the hackers & hijackers

⭐⭐WILLIAM BARCLAY DOES IT AGAIN
"To any, Greek reading this--and we must remember that it was written for Greeks--this would be a staggering and incredible picture. John had written his whole gospel on the theme that in Jesus we see the mind of God. To the Greek the primary characteristic of God was what he called apatheia, which means total inability to feel any emotion whatsoever.
How did the Greeks come to attribute such a characteristic to God? They argued like this. If we can feel sorrow or joy, gladness or grief, it means that someone can have an effect upon us. Now, if a person has an effect upon us, it means that for the moment that person has power over us. No one can have any power over God; and this must mean that God is essentially incapable of feeling any emotion whatsoever. The Greeks believed in an isolated, passionless and compassionless God.
What a different picture Jesus gave! He showed us a God whose heart is wrung with anguish for the anguish of his people. The greatest thing Jesus did was to bring us the news of a God who cares...we are shown the picture of Jesus wrung with anguish as he shared the anguish of the human heart. To the Greek reader that little sentence: "Jesus wept," would be the most astonishing thing in an astonishing story. That the Son of God could weep would be almost beyond belief." 



ELLICOTT=

"He is conscious of the power which He is about to exercise, and that the first result will be the glory of God (
John 11:4); but He is conscious also of the suffering hearts near Him, and the sympathy with human sorrow is no less part of His nature than the union with divine strength.
Very different views have been put forth as to the cause of this intensity of emotion in our Lord. The cause supplied by the text is that He saw Mary lying at His feet weeping; and the Jews also weeping which came with her. Real sorrow, which calls forth all His sympathy, is accompanied by the mockery of sorrow, which can shed tears for the brother, whom they afterwards seek to kill (
John 12:10)! These Jews are those who had sought to stone their Teacher, and had resolved to cut off from all religious and social intercourse every one who acknowledged Him as the Messiah! With hearts full of hatred they can profess to be comforters, and can mingle their tears with hers. The severest words that fell from the lips of Christ were those which denounced the hypocrisy of priests, Pharisees, and scribes. It is this hypocrisy which now stirs in His spirit an anger so intense that it causes nerve and muscle and limb to tremble beneath its force."


CLARKE WINS THE JACKPOT THOUGH =

"Verse 33.  He groaned in the spirit, c.] Here the blessed Jesus shows himself to be truly man and a man, too, who, notwithstanding his amazing dignity and excellence, did not feel it beneath him to sympathize with the distressed, and weep with those who wept. After this example of our Lord, shall we say that it is weakness, folly, and sin to weep for the loss of relatives? He who says so, and can act in a similar case to the above according to his own doctrine, is a reproach to the name of man. Such apathy never came from God: it is generally a bad scion, implanted in a nature miserably depraved, deriving its nourishment from a perverted spirit or a hardened heart; though in some cases it is the effect of an erroneous, ascetic mode of discipline.
It is abolishing one of the finest traits in our Lord's human character to say that he wept and mourned here because of sin and its consequences. No: Jesus had humanity in its perfection, and humanity unadulterated is generous and sympathetic. A particular friend of Jesus was dead; and, as his friend, the affectionate soul of Christ was troubled, and he mingled his sacred tears with those of the afflicted relatives. Behold the man, in his deep, heart-felt trouble, and in his flowing tears! But when he says, Lazarus, come forth! behold the GOD! and the God too of infinite clemency, love, and power. Can such a Jesus refuse to comfort the distressed, or save the lost? Can he restrain his mercies from the penitent soul, or refuse to hear the yearnings of his own bowels? Can such a character be inattentive to the welfare of his creatures? Here is God manifested in the flesh! living in human nature, feeling for the distressed, and suffering for the lost! Reader! ask thy soul, ask thy heart, ask the bowels of thy compassions, if thou hast any, could this Jesus unconditionally reprobate from eternity any soul of man? Thou answerest, NO! God repeats, NO! Universal nature re-echoes, NO! and the tears and blood of Jesus eternally say, NO!"


HE HAD THE SAME REACTION AS US???????

"Verse 35. Jesus wept. — The least verse in the Bible, yet inferior to none. Some of the ruthless ancients, improperly styled fathers of the Church, thought that weeping was a degradation of the character of Christ; and therefore, according to the testimony of Epiphanius, Anchorat. c. 13, razed out of the Gospel of St. Luke the place (Luke 19:41) where Christ is said to have wept over Jerusalem."


A little more from Matthew Henry =

"First, Of his displeasure at the inordinate grief of those about him, as 
Mark 5:39: "Why make ye this ado and weep? What a hurry is here! does this become those that believe in a God, a heaven, and another world?" Or, Secondly, Of his feeling sense of the calamitous state of human lie, and the power of death, to which fallen man is subject. Having now to make a vigorous attack upon death and the grave, he thus stirred up himself to the encounter, put on the garments of vengeance, and his fury it upheld him; and that he might the more resolutely undertake the redress of our grievances, and the cure of our griefs, he was pleased to make himself sensible of the weight of them, and under the burden of them he now groaned in spirit. Or, Thirdly, It was an expression of his kind sympathy with his friends that were in sorrow. Here was the sounding of the bowels, the mercies which the afflicted church so earnestly solicits, Isaiah 63:15. Christ not only seemed concerned, but he groaned in the spirit; he was inwardly and sincerely affected with the case. David's pretended friends counterfeited sympathy, to disguise their enmity (Psalms 41:6); but we must learn of Christ to have our love and sympathy without dissimulation. Christ's was a deep and hearty sigh."

He was troubled. He troubled himself; so the phrase is, very significantly. He had all the passions and affections of the human nature, for in all things he must be like to his brethren; but he had a perfect command of them, so that they were never up, but when and as they were called; he was never troubled, but when he troubled himself, as he saw cause. He often composed himself to trouble, but was never discomposed or disordered by it. He was voluntary both in his passion and in his compassion. He had power to lay down his grief, and power to take it again."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

⭐CHRIST, BY THE CROSS, EFFECTIVELY RECREATES MAN.
THE OLD HUMAN NATURE DOOMED TO DEATH DOES DIE IN HIM, WHO THEN REPLACES IT WITH HIS HOLY NATURE???
"Christ should die for the people, i.e., for the salvation of the people; and by His death, as if by the payment of a price, should redeem them from sin, from the devil, from death, and from hell, those, I say, who would otherwise perish eternally... he does not say rather than but for (in behalf of) the people; which properly signifies for the salvation of the people."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

0911

"When we face difficulties – what is God’s timing for getting us through them? We want the timing to be quick and painless. God wants us to grow, mature and develop character that looks like His heart. So His path for us often looks very different than the path we would choose. "

"...they were very right in applying to Christ in this time of need, who is the physician, both of the bodies and souls of men; and are greatly to be commended both for their modesty and piety, in not prescribing to Christ what should be done in this case: and it may be further observed, that such who are the peculiar objects of Christ's love, are attended in this life with bodily sickness, disorders, and diseases, which are sent unto them, not in a way of vindictive wrath, but in love, and as fatherly chastisements; which, as they are designed, so they are overruled for their good; and are to be considered, not as instances of wrath, but as tokens of love."

WE NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.
Those sufferings UNITE US TO THE BODY OF CHRIST; OF COURSE THEY'RE FOR LOVE!!!


"If Jesus was the cause of civil disorder, Rome would descend in all her power, and, beyond a doubt the Sadducees would be dismissed from their positions of authority. It never even occurred to them to ask whether Jesus was right or wrong. Their only question was: "What effect will this have on our ease and comfort and authority?" They judged things, not in the light of principle but in the light of their own career. And it is still possible for a man to set his own career before the will of God."
"...who denied the resurrection of the dead, and was unconcerned about a future state; and [therefore] having no restraint upon him, [spoke] in a bold, haughty, and blustering manner..."

THEY DIDNT BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE, SO THEY WERE ENTIRELY WORLDLY-MINDED!!!!!
OH DUDE WAIT UP--- THEY WERE SPECIFICALLY THREATENED BECAUSE JESUS JUST PROVED THAT THERE IS LIFE BEYOND DEATH!!!!! HE HAD LITERALLY JUST DEALT A DEATHWOUND TO THEIR DOCTRINE. And, utterly insanely, instead of joyfully embracing this liberating hope, they REJECTED IT because it would require an upheaval of their physical life. THEY LITERALLY CHOSE DEATH OVER LIFE.

"They knew about this mortal contest of wills between Jesus and the authorities; and people are always interested in the man who gallantly faces fearful odds. They wondered if He would appear at the feast; and concluded that He could not possibly come: This Galilean carpenter could not take on the whole might of Jewish ecclesiastical and political officialdom. But they had underrated Jesus. When the time arrived for Him to come, nothing on earth would stop Him coming... Whatever else we may say of Jesus, we must bow in admiration before his death-defying courage. For these last days of his life he was the bravest outlaw of all time."

Now THAT is a "western" spin i can get behind!!! WORK WITH THIS. IT'S ABOUT CHRIST!!!

"[In defending his Christian faith,] it was not that Luther was not afraid, for often he made his greatest statements when both voice and knees were shaking; but he had a courage which conquered fear. The Christian does not fear the consequences of doing the right thing; he fears rather the consequences of not doing it."

Feeling this more strongly as time goes on. It's still a crippling fear though, in either direction. We need to fix that properly; it betrays a lack of trust in God, and His Mercy.

Grant's commentary resonating with our own continuing struggles with doubt & religious confusion =

"He answers... "Your brother will rise again" (v.23). But she can think of this as nothing but the orthodox doctrine of a future general resurrection. How little comfort even true doctrine has in it apart from the person of Christ! Marvelous indeed is His reply, "I Am the resurrection and the life." In Him, personally, is the answer to her every need, as of all creation; "I Am" implies His deity, and certainly resurrection and life are resident only in God. He does not merely say that He 'can' raise the dead and give life; [for] this whole subject is, rather, dependent on His Person... The full truth of this could only be manifested in His own (then future) resurrection, but identification with Him by faith was the certain means of one [who in] Him would never die (v.26). That is, the life He gives is not at all subject to death: it continues vital and real, even if natural death takes place. The words He speaks are spirit and they are life, not material and fleshly."

That last line lit a lightbulb? Natural life is SUPPOSED to die; it is material only, subject to decay & change.
But TRUE LIFE ORIGINATES IN GOD, and therefore is SUPPOSED to be eternal, SUPPOSED to be anchored in spirit!!! Our faith is key because we have FREE WILL and WORDS HAVE POWER. "Believe in your heart AND confess with your mouth that Christ is Lord and us RISEN FROM THE DEAD, and SO you will be saved"!! Basically. 
We can all speak "material" words. They do nothing. But Christ is TRUTH and His Word IS LIFE. When we as sheep hear & follow it then we inevitably live!! HIS WORD MADE THE UNIVERSE.

"He asks her, "Do you believe this?" Though doubtless she did not fully understand His meaning, yet her answer is good. She believed Him, for she was persuaded that He was Christ, the Son of God (v.27). What He said, she knew was right, however feeble her understanding may have been."

THAT IS EXACTLY THE SPOT WE'RE IN.
ALSO relevant to today =
"When the Lord commands that the stone be taken away, Martha, allowing her practical mind to take precedence over faith, objects to the removal of the stone (v.39). The Lord firmly reproves her unbelief. Natural thought must not intrude itself when the Lord of glory is working."

"The [religious leaders] then are easily persuaded that it is right to put Christ to death, for they have the plausible excuse of trying to save their nation... Being the willing tools of Satan, they were blinded to the fact that God is in control of all these things."

"And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there,.... At Bethany, before he died, or when he died; because he might have been prevailed upon through the solicitations of his dear friends, Mary and Martha, and through tender affection to Lazarus, to have prevented his death, by rebuking the distemper, and restoring him to health, or to have raised him immediately as soon as he was dead; and in either case the miracle would not have been so illustrious, nor have been such a means of confirming the faith of his disciples, as now it would be: to the intent ye may believe; more strongly, that he was the Son of God, and true Messiah."

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE END OF ALL HIS MIRACLES IN OUR LIFE!!!!!

"Then said the Jews, behold, how he loved him!] Lazarus; for they supposed that these tears were shed purely on his account; and by all circumstances they could not but judge, that they proceeded from an hearty and sincere affection to him; and it was amazing to them, that his love to him should be so strong, when he was no relation, only, as they imagined, a common friend. 
Christ's love to all his people, even when they are dead in trespasses and sins, is wonderful, and passes knowledge. And it is amazing indeed, if it be considered who the lover is, the eternal Son of God, who is God over all, blessed for ever, the Creator of all things, the King of kings, and Lord of lords: and also, who they are that are loved by him, not only creatures, but sinful ones, exceeding mean and abject; the base things of this world, bankrupts, beggars, yea, comparable to the beasts that perish; who had nothing external, nor internal, to recommend them to him, and engage his affections; yea, everything to give him an aversion to them, and render them odious in his sight, being enemies in their minds by wicked works, and children of wrath, as others: and likewise, if it be considered what he has done for these, in which his love appears to them; as before time, in espousing their persons, becoming their surety, engaging in covenant with his Father for them, agreeing to all he proposed, taking the care of their persons, and of all blessings and promises, grace and glory for them; and in time here on earth, by assuming their nature, fulfilling the law for them, dying in their room and stead, paying their debts, procuring all blessings for them, peace, pardon, righteousness, and eternal redemption; and now in heaven, by preparing a place for them, being their intercessor and advocate there, supplying their wants, frequently visiting them, and indulging them with communion with himself, preserving them safe to his kingdom and glory, into which he will introduce them, presenting them to his Father with exceeding joy; all which are marvellous acts of love and grace: to which may be added, the consideration of the nature of his love, that it should be from everlasting, before these persons were born; that it should be a love of complacency and delight in them; that it should be free, and unmerited, without any reason, or motive on their part; that it should be distinguishing, that they, and not others, should be the objects of it; and that it should continue unchangeably the same, notwithstanding their manifold transgressions, and provocations; wherefore it may be justly said, behold, how he loved them!"


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0912

Bible study
UNDERSTANDING
"Jesus the true Messiah must die; this was determined in the counsel of God, agreed to by Christ in the covenant of grace, foretold by the prophets from the beginning of the world, typified by sacrifices and other things, under the former dispensation, predicted by Christ himself, and accordingly came to pass; and upon the above accounts was necessary, as well as for the salvation of his people, who otherwise must have perished; and yet was free and voluntary in him, and a strong expression, and a demonstrative proof of his love to them: and not only this prophecy declared, that Jesus should die, but that he should die for that nation, for the nation of the Jews; not for every individual in it, for all of them were not saved by him; some received him not; they rejected him as the Messiah, Saviour, and Redeemer, and died in their sins; but for all the elect of God among them, the sheep of the house of Israel, to whom he was sent, and whom he came to seek and save; and whom he blessed, by turning them away from their iniquities, and by taking away their iniquities from them: and moreover, this prophecy suggests, that Jesus was to die, not merely as a martyr, to confirm with his blood the doctrine he preached, nor only as an example of courage, meekness, patience, and love, but for, or in the room and stead of his people, as their surety; giving his life a ransom and himself a sacrifice to the justice of God, for them; there by fulfilling the law and satisfying it, and appeasing the wrath of God on their account."


I often hear atheists and antireloigoius folks mocking this, "God appeading God" etc. But of COURSR he did! What if he devil had been the one to appease? It never would happen.
God set the bail and paid it Himself to show us that NOTHING CAN STOP HIS LOVE.
Our debt of sin and disobedience ultimately served to show the absolute depth Nd power of His mercy. He never wanted us to be lost or damnrd! That wasn't the intention or the point!
The wrath of God is against SIN, not humaniind.

Jesus died "In our place & space"


"Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.—The words are given in the touching simplicity of the message just as they were sent by the sorrowing sisters. They feel that the sad news needs no addition, and that there is no necessity for a prayer for help. Weakness, conscious of strength which loves, needs but to utter itself."

Thinking about how we STILL hysterically beg God "not to kill us" when the slightest trouble happens. What a weak faith we still have, Lord have mercy on us 

"We have before us here a man looking at events from a mind full of the darkest apprehension. He is without hope that a return to Judæa can have any but one issue for his Master. The night is so clearly seen that the brightness of day is obscured. But with all this there is the full love of a devoted disciple, who will follow his Master even unto death."

Thinking about this in light of the Eucharist =
"The words express a half-formed hope, which she dare not utter, perhaps dare not even think, that her brother may be restored to life again... Her brother had been the friend of Jesus; they had all trusted in His power and His love. Words had come to them from Him telling that this sickness should not issue in death, but that it should further God’s glory and glorify the Son. And now He is Himself present. His words cannot fail, and He Himself cannot be there without a purpose. She dare not say more; but she rests in this, that there is unity of power and will between Him and the Father. Whatsoever He asks, God will give."

"(25) I am the resurrection, and the life.—She has spoken of the resurrection as a truth which she believes, and as an event in the far-off future, so remote from the present life indeed, as to be powerless to comfort her now. The two first words of His answer, expressed in the fulness of emphasis, teach her that the resurrection is to be thought of as His person, and that it is to be thought of as actually present.I,”—his words mean—“and none beside Me, am the Resurrection. I am the Resurrection—a present life, and not simply a life in the remoteness of the last day.” In the same sense in which He has declared Himself to be the Water of Life and the Bread of Life, supplying in Himself every need of spiritual thirst and spiritual hunger, He declares Himself to be the Resurrection, revealing in His own person all that men had ever thought and hoped of a future life, being Himself the power which shall raise them at the last day, and could therefore raise them now. This is because He is also “the Life,” and therefore every one in communion with Him shall live... She thinks and speaks of Lazarus as dead. He asserts that in the true thought of the spiritual life the fact of physical death does not interrupt that life... The fact of what we call physical death is not denied, but in the fulness of the thought of life it is regarded as the passage to a new and higher life [through Christ]."


This is hitting hard=
"John’s Gospel is “The Word was made flesh,” and He is for us the Resurrection and the Life, because He has been manifested to us, not as an abstraction which the intellect only could receive, but as a person, living a human life, and knowing its sorrows, whom the heart can grasp and love. A “God in tears” has provoked the smile of the stoic and the scorn of the unbeliever; but Christianity is not a gospel of self-sufficiency, and its message is not merely to the human intellect. It is salvation for the whole man and for every man; and the sorrowing heart of humanity has never seen more clearly the divinity of the Son of Man than when it has seen His glory shining through His human tears... the sympathy with human sorrow is no less part of His nature than the union with divine strength."


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0913

REMEMBER THIS.
"God has determined to work in the behalf of men only in proportion to their faith in him: it was necessary, therefore, that these persons should be well instructed concerning his nature, that they might find no obstacles to their faith. These sisters had considered him only as a prophet hitherto; and it was necessary that they should now be farther instructed, that, as God was to exert himself, they might believe that God was there."
"Verse 40. If thou wouldest believe, &c.] So it appears that it is faith alone that interests the miraculous and saving power of God in behalf of men."



Pasting this from today as it's fascinating =

"And the Romans shall come and take away both our place and nation.—The dread of the Roman power must have been constantly present to the Jews of that generation... Pontius Pilate had suppressed outbreaks by violence in the Temple itself. There had been tumults in connection with the Corban money and with Barabbas. The Temple mountain was the site of the Roman fortress Antonia, and this dread power may at any moment destroy the national life, which only existed on sufferance.
The attempts to prove that “our place” can mean “the Temple” must now be given up; and if we attach a local meaning to the word we must understand it of Jerusalem. It may, however, be questioned whether the word has any local signification here. Like our words “standing,” and “place,” and “position,” it certainly may have a moral sense, and New Testament examples of this usage are frequent... It is suggested that this sense is more in harmony with the feeling of the Pharisees. They possessed no local power; and the city could not be taken away from them more entirely than it already was. Their existence as rulers depended upon the Mosaic law and upon the services of the Temple. Round these centres they had gathered human tradition and ordinance, to which they clung because they only could interpret them, and they only could use the vast powers which were thus exercised over men. The Law had become practically an intricate system of tradition, and the Temple-service had become practically an intricate system of ritual. With this the Roman empire, following its usual policy, had not interfered, and the Jewish hierarchy had become the centre and the rulers of the national life."


THAT WAS WHY JESUS CALLED THEM SUCH HYPOCRITES!!!
THE WORSHIP WAS JUST RITUAL BEHAVIOR, AUTOMATED & MECHANICAL, EMPTY & SHOWY, FOR THE SIMPLE SAKE OF GIVING THE PHARISEES SOMETHING TO CONTROL, RULE, DEFINE, COMPLICATE, AND ENFORCE.
THEY WERE LITERALLY MAKING THEMSELVES GOD.
THERE WAS NO ACTUAL HEART OR SOUL IN THE RITUALS & TRADITIONS IN AND OF THEMSELVES.
THEIR RELIGION WAS NOW JUST AN INTRICATE DANCE ROUTINE– ONE THAT ROME WOULDN'T TOUCH SOLELY BECAUSE IT WAD RELIGIOUS!!! BUT THEREFORE IT WAS A SOURCE OF POWER & CONTROL & AUTHORITY, HOWEVER PLASTICINE, THAT ROME COULDN'T TAKE (SO THEY HOPED)!!!

"But in direct opposition to both of them had been the work and teaching of Christ. He had sought to establish, for law and service, the simplicity of their first spiritual principles. His spiritual teaching was a cutting to the very root of their whole being. If all the people believed on Him their raison d’être would be gone, and the Romans would no longer suffer an imperium in imperio, which they now allowed because it swayed the masses of the people. They would take both their position, and with it the rank which they still claimed as a nation. = The emphatic position of the word “our” should be noted, and also that “place and nation” are linked together as one complex thought attached to it."


It's amazing how they don't even CONSIDER changing their "raison d’être" TO Christ. They want THEIR power THAT BADLY, No matter how unstable & unsure it apparently was even to them.

This also feels relevant to modern times =
"Verse 48. All men will believe on him — If we permit him to work but a few more miracles like these two last (the cure of the blind man, and the resurrection of Lazarus) he will be universally acknowledged for the Messiah; the people will proclaim him king; and the Romans, who can suffer no government here but their own, will be so irritated that they will send their armies against us, and destroy our temple, and utterly dissolve our civil and ecclesiastical existence. Thus, under the pretense of the public good, these men of blood hide their hatred against Christ, and resolve to put him to death. To get the people on their side, they must give the alarm of destruction to the nation: if this man be permitted to live, we shall be all destroyed! Their former weapons will not now avail. On the subject of keeping the Sabbath, they had been already confounded; and his last miracles were so incontestable that they could no longer cry out, He is a deceiver.
Both our place and nation. — Literally, this place, τον τοπον: but that the temple only is understood is dear from Acts 6:13-14; Acts 2:0 Macc. 1:14; 2:18; 3:18; 5:16, 17; 10:7; where it is uniformly called the place, or the holy place, because they considered it the most glorious and excellent place in the world. When men act in opposition to God's counsel, the very evils which they expect thereby to avoid will come upon them. They said, If we do not put Jesus to death, the Romans will destroy both our temple and nation. Now, it was because they put him to death that the Romans burnt and razed their temple to the ground, and put a final period to their political existence.'

I CAN TRAGICALLY BUT HUMBLY ATTEST TO THAT FACT.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love this perspective, strive to live it wholeheartedly =
"Let us also go, that we may die with him. — That is, "Seeing we cannot dissuade our Lord from going, and his death is likely to be the inevitable consequence, let us give him the fullest proof we can of our love, by going and suffering death with him." Some think Thomas spoke these words peevishly, and that they should be translated thus, Must we also go, and expose ourselves to destruction with him? which is as much as to say: "If he will obstinately go and risk his life in so imminent a danger, let us act with more prudence and caution." But I think the first sense is to be preferred. When a matter is spoken which concerns the moral character of a person, and which may be understood in a good and a bad sense, that sense which is most favourable to the person should certainly be adopted. This is taking things by the best handle, and both justice and mercy require it. The conduct of most men widely differs from this: of such an old proverb says, "They feed like the flies - pass over all a man's whole parts, to light upon his sores.""



------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS IS OUR HISTORY =
"Could not this man, which opened the eyes, c.] Through the maliciousness of their hearts, these Jews considered the tears of Jesus as a proof of his weakness. We may suppose them to have spoken thus: "If he loved him so well, why did he not heal him? And if he could have healed him, why did he not do it, seeing he testifies so much sorrow at his death? Let none hereafter vaunt the miracle of the blind man's cure if he had been capable of doing that, he would not have permitted his friend to die." Thus will men reason, or rather madden, concerning the works and providence of God; till, by his farther miracles of mercy or judgment, he converts or confounds them."


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------


0914

"The afflictions of the saints are designed for the glory of God, that he may have opportunity of showing them favour; for the sweetest mercies, and the most effecting, are those which are occasioned by trouble. Let this reconcile us to the darkest dispensations of Providence, they are all for the glory of God, this sickness, this loss, or this disappointment, is so; and, if God be glorified, we ought to be satisfied... As, before, the man was born blind that Christ might have the honour of curing him, so Lazarus must be sick and die, that Christ may be glorified as the Lord of life. Let this comfort those whom Christ loves under all their grievances that the design of them all is that the Son of God may be glorified thereby, his wisdom, power, and goodness, glorified in supporting and relieving them." (see 2 Corinthians 12:9; 2 Corinthians 12:10.)
EVEN IF ONLY SPIRITUALLY, WHICH IS A GREATER GIFT & MIRACLE.

"Here was Martha's house, a house where the fear of God was, and on which his blessing rested, yet made a house of mourning. Grace will keep sorrow from the heart, not from the house."

"Christ will arise in favour of his people when the time to favour them, yea, the set time, is come; and the worst time is commonly the set time-- when our hope is lost, and we are cut off for our parts; then they shall know that I am the Lord when I have opened the graves (Ezekiel 37:11-13). In the depths of affliction, let this therefore keep us out of the depths of despair: that man's extremity is God's opportunity."
"When Christ tells his people at any time how bad the case is, He lets them know in the same breath how easily, how quickly, He can mend it... [and yet,] promised salvations, though they always come surely, yet often come slowly."

⭐"When Christ defers his visits for a time they are thereby made the more acceptable, much the more welcome; so it was here. His departures endear his returns, and his absence teaches us how to value his presence."

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE COULDN'T GO TO MASS IN AUGUST.
We were powerfully moved to appreciate & adore the Eucharist more. It also moved us to a deeper moral courage in eventually running to daily Mass!

"[Whatever] Christ undertakes to do, we may be sure, is something great and uncommon, and a work worthy of Himself."



Thinking about ALL of this =
"As a trial of the courage of the disciples, whether they would venture to follow him thither, where they had so lately been frightened by an attempt upon their Master's life, which they looked upon as an attempt upon theirs too. To go to Judea, which was so lately made too hot for them, was a saying that proved them. BUT Christ did not say, "Go you into Judea, and I will stay and take shelter here;" no, Let us go. Note, Christ never brings His people into any peril [unless] He accompanies them in it, and is with them even when they walk through the valley of the shadow of death."
"Christ's disciples are apt to make a greater matter of sufferings than their Master does, and to remember injuries longer. He had put up with the affront, it was over and gone, and forgotten, but His disciples could not forget it... Christ's ways in passing by offences are above our ways. "Wilt thou expose thyself among a people that are so desperately enraged against thee? Goest thou thither again, where thou hast been so ill used?"... Yet, while the disciples show a concern for his safety, they discover at the same time, First, A distrust of his power; as if he could not secure both himself and them now in Judea as well as he had done formerly... Secondly, A secret fear of suffering themselves; for they count upon this if he suffer. When our own private interests happen to run in the same channel with those of the public, we are apt to think ourselves zealous for the Lord of hosts, when really we are only zealous for our own wealth, credit, ease, and safety, and seek our own things, under colour of seeking the things of Christ; we have therefore need to distinguish upon our principles."
"[Their erroneous response] intimates... A greater concern for themselves; for hereby they insinuate that it was now needless for Christ to go to him, and expose himself and them. "If he sleep, he will be quickly well, and we may stay where we are." Thus we are willing to hope that the good work which we are called to do will do itself, or will be done by some other hand, if there be peril in the doing of it."

I feel hard convicted by all of that. Reflect soberly on it.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

THIS HIT SO HARD =
"Let us also go that we may die with him; with him, that is, [in one interpretation,] with Lazarus, who was now dead; so some take it. Lazarus was a dear and loving friend both to Christ and his disciples, and perhaps Thomas had a particular intimacy with him. Now if he be dead, saith he, let us even go and die with him. For, First, "If we survive, we know not how to live without him." Probably Lazarus had done them many good offices, sheltered them, and provided for them, and been to them instead of eyes; and now that he was gone they had no man like-minded, and "Therefore," saith he, "we had as good die with him." Thus we are sometimes ready to think our lives bound up in the lives of some that were dear to us: but God will teach us to live, and to live comfortably, upon himself, when those are gone without whom we thought we could not live."
"Martha, in her complaint, looked back, reflecting with regret that Christ was not there, for then, thinks she, my brother had been now alive. We are apt, in such cases, to add to our own trouble, by fancying what might have been. "If such a method had been taken, such a physician employed, my friend had not died;" which is more than we know: but what good does this do? When God's will is done, our business is to submit to him. Christ directs Martha, and us in her, to look forward, and to think what shall be, for that is a certainty, and yields sure comfort: Thy brother shall rise again. [For] as the soul at death is not lost, but gone before, so the body is not lost, but laid up... [on the last day,] there shall be a particular resurrection of each one: "I know that I shall rise again, and this and the other relation that was dear to me." As bone shall return to his bone in that day, so friend to his friend."

WE DID NOT HAVE THIS FAITH OR AWARENESS WHEN GRANDMA DIED.
EVEN WORSE, WHAT LITTLE WE KNEW OF HEAVEN, WE ASSUMED WE WOULD BE EXCLUDED????
WE LEGIT THOUGHT WE'D NEVER SEE HER AGAIN.

"See our weakness and folly, that we suffer present sensible things to make a deeper impression upon us, both of grief and joy, than those things which are the objects of faith... thus, by our discontent under present crosses, we greatly undervalue our future hopes, and put a slight upon them, as if not worth regarding."
"Object permanence of a baby" with this. Tunnel vision. Trauma brain. Cannot properly grasp the IDEA of a future, let alone a hopeful one.

Knee-jerk terror at this bit=
"When godly relations and friends are taken from us, whatever occasion we have to be afflicted concerning ourselves, who are left behind and miss them, we have reason to be comforted concerning those who are gone before us to a happiness where they have no need of us."
That makes heaven seem aloof & uncaring. It's a misinterpretation though.
I think, long ago, we typed about this sentiment-- how we ultimately wished for our loved ones NOT to "need us" to be happy, because then we would be NO OBSTACLE to their joy.

Another tough one to properly grasp=
"Lazarus is gone, and our comfort in him is gone; but the Master is come, who is better than the dearest friend, and has that in him which will abundantly make up all our losses. He is come who is our teacher, who will teach us how to get good by our sorrow (Psalms 94:12), who will teach, and so comfort." 
The human instinct is to read this & falsely see her faith as cold & uncaring,
Yet ..
"When Christ our Master comes, he calls for us. He comes in his word and ordinances, calls us to them, calls us by them, calls us to himself. He calls for thee in particular, for thee by name (Psalms 27:8); and, if he call thee, he will cure thee, he will comfort thee."


Moved by this thought =
"Martha was earnestly expecting Christ's arrival, and enquiring for it. Either she had sent out messengers, to bring her tidings of his first approach, or she had often asked, Saw you him whom my soul loveth? so that the first who discovered him ran to her with the welcome news. However it was, she heard of his coming before he arrived. She had waited long, and often askedIs he come? and could hear no tidings of him; but long-looked-for came at last."
That's SOLID FAITH in His compassion. She didn't even consider "well maybe He won't come, maybe this isn't important." No. She KNEW He loved her & her siblings. She BELIEVED in His promise of Life. Her heart was anchored in His fidelity.
BUT???
"She believed Christ's power, that, though her brother's sickness was very grievous, yet he could have cured it, and so have prevented his death. She believed his pity, that if he had but seen Lazarus in his extreme illness, and his dear relations all in tears about him, he would have had compassion, and have prevented so sad a breach, for his compassions fail not. But, Here are sad instances of unbelief. Her faith was TRUE, BUT WEAK as a bruised reed, for she limits the power of Christ, in saying, If thou hadst been here; whereas she ought to have known that Christ could cure at a distance, and that his gracious operations were not limited to his bodily presence."


RELEVANT TO SOCIALS BARRING US FROM RELIGIOUS TRUTH=
" The least intimation of Christ's gracious approaches is enough to a lively faith, which stands ready to take the hint, and answer the first call. When Christ was come, [1.] She did not consult the decorum of her mourning, but, forgetting ceremony, and the common usage in such cases, she ran through the town, to meet Christ. Let no nice punctilios of decency and honour deprive us at any time of opportunities of conversing with Christ. [2.] She did not consult her neighbours, the Jews that were with her, comforting her; she left them all, to come to him, and did not only not ask their advice, but not so much as ask their leave, or beg their pardon for her rudeness."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0915

⭐"Nature itself teaches us to weep over our dear relations, when they are removed by death; Providence thereby calls to weeping and mourning... Religion teaches us likewise to weep with them that weep... considering that we ourselves also are in the body. Those that truly love their friends will share with them in their joys and griefs; for what is friendship but a communication of affections?"

SO ALL THE ALLEGEDLY "RELIGIOUS" SCORN & MOCKERY & CONDEMNATION OF TEARS, IS TOTALLY FALSE!!!!

"[Christ] never groaned so much for His own pains and sufferings as for the sins and follies of men."
We should weep for SIN, NOT SUFFERING. The Cross is life & glory. Sin is death & disgrace.


I needed to hear this, especially concerning the circumstances of grandma's death =
"Here it is slyly insinuated, First, That the death of Lazarus being (as it seemed by his tears) a great grief to him, if he could have prevented it he would, and therefore because he did not they incline to think that he could not; as, when he was dying, they concluded that he could not, because he did not, save himself, and come down from the cross; not considering that divine power is always directed in its operations by divine wisdom, not merely according to his will, but according to the counsel of his will, wherein it becomes us to acquiesce. If Christ's friends, whom he loves, die,--if his church, whom he loves, be persecuted and afflicted,--we must not impute it to any [suspected] defect either in his power or love, but [rightfully] conclude that it is because he sees it for the best."


"Others think [Martha warned of the death stench] out of a concern for Christ, lest the smell of the dead body should be offensive to him. That which is very noisome is compared to an open sepulchre. If there were any thing noisome she would not have her Master near it; but he was none of those tender and delicate ones that cannot bear as ill smell; if he had, he would not have visited the world of mankind, which sin had made a perfect dunghill."
That's weirdly reassuring, for an odious sinner like myself. Christ won't avoid me just because I'm a filthy wretch. I need Him to come close & not cringe in disgust. This gives me solid hope. Even if my soul is in spiritual graverot, Christ CAN STILL SAVE ME... and He won't plug His nose to do it, either.

"Christ does not give a direct answer to what Martha had said, nor any particular promise of what he would do, but orders her to keep hold of the general assurances he had already givenOnly believe. We are apt to forget what Christ has spoken, and need him to put us in mind of it by his Spirit: "Said I not unto thee so and so? And dost thou think that he will ever unsay it?"

I JUST REALIZED... HE DOESN'T ALTER HIS LANGUAGE OR SPEECH BETWEEN PERSONS. HIS WORDS ARE TRUE TO ALL AT ALL TIMES, IN THEIR PROPER CONTEXTS.
When He blesses, or declares woe, it is in such a way that ALL HUMANITY IS THE SUBJECT OF BOTH, depending on their state of heart. NO ONE IS AN EXCEPTION. SO STOP THINKING "THAT COULDN'T POSSIBLY APPLY TO ME!!" FOR GOOD OR BAD. He can't "unsay" a single word, therefore you must accept it ALL. Those "general assurances" are so for a purpose!!
God is both universal & individual. He is personal & global. HE'S TALKING TO YOU!!!!!!!

"...that which is especially charged upon us hereby is to lift up our hearts to God in the heavens; what is prayer, but the ascent of the soul to God, and the directing of its affections and motions heavenward?"

...in that case, I really am not praying properly. Not for the most part. It's so fearful, so compulsive, like "if I don't say all these prayers mom & dad will be angry & punish me & hurt me." THAT ISN'T PRAYER!!!
I still think this has deeper roots in the "torture rosaries" than I realize. Thank GOD the rosary itself ISN'T A TRIGGER ANYMORE!!!


"Those who infer from the commands of the word to turn and live that man has a power of his own to convert and regenerate himself might as well infer from this call to Lazarus that he had a power to raise himself to life."

THE COMMAND IS JUST THAT-- A COMMAND!!! Christ's Words ARE SPIRIT AND LIFE. When He tells us TO turn and live, those very Words-- if we open our heart to receive & heed-- CONTAIN THE POWER BY GRACE REQUIRED TO OBEY. "My Word shall not return to Me void"!!
So don't worry about your own inability and weakness. If God tells you to do something, if He COMMANDS you to do something, Then He is ALSO giving you the grace and the power TO do it, BY THE VERY COMMAND!!! If He wants it done, He ENABLES THE DOING. We just need to COOPERATE WITH GRACE.

"They do not take it at all into their consideration whether they shall not receive him and own him as the Messiah, though they profess to expect him, and Jesus gave pregnant proofs of his being so; but they take it for granted that he is an enemy, and as such is to be run down: "What do we? Have we no care to support our church? Is it nothing to us that a doctrine so destructive to our interest spreads thus? Shall we tamely yield up the ground we have got in the affections of the people? Shall we see our authority brought into contempt, and the craft by which we get our living ruined, and not bestir ourselves?"

This ALSO applies to our situation, with discerning God's Will in opposition to lies we have believed and even built on. BE CAREFUL.
Church teaching is NOT the enemy, even if we lose catastrophically by it. "If it can be killed by the truth, then let it die"!!! What we will GAIN in its place is TRUTH & LIFE & LIGHT.
 
"The success of the gospel is the dread of its adversaries; if souls be saved, they are undone."

THAT IS ACTUALLY TERRIFYINGLY TRUE. Every single worldly power RELIES on the control of unsaved souls TO exercise ANY power-- because once a soul is anchored in Christ, THEY ARE DEAD TO THE WORLD & THEREFORE FREE.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

0916

"Caiaphas craftily insinuates that the greatest and best man, though major singulis--greater than any one individual, is minor universis--less than the collected mass, and ought to think his life well spent, nay well lost, to save his country from ruin. But what is this to the murdering of one that was evidently a great blessing under pretence of preventing an imaginary mischief to the country... Was it expedient for them to bring upon themselves and upon their nation the guilt of blood, a prophet's blood, for the securing of their civil interests from a danger which they had no just reason to be afraid of? Was it expedient for them to drive God and their glory from them, rather than venture the Romans' displeasure, who could do them no harm if they had God on their side? Note, Carnal policy, which steers only by secular considerations, while it thinks to save all by sin, ruins all at last."

The sly hypocrisy and mangling of truth visible in this scheme is DESPICABLE. The devil is truly the instigator of all falsehood.
That phrase "saving all by sin" is such a horrific false idea that it makes me nauseous. And yet WE ATTEMPTED IT. our past is full of it.

"What before they wished done, but wanted [an excuse] for, now they are furnished with a plausible pretence to justify themselves in, which will serve, if not to take off the guilt (that is the least of their care), yet to take off the odium, and so satisfy, if not the personal, yet the political conscience... Many will go on very securely in doing an evil thing as long as they have but something to say in excuse for it."
THAT DETAIL OF GUILT VS ODIUM & OPPOSING CONSCIENCES PLAYS INTO PERSONAL SIN & RECONCILIATION!!!
Are you sorry for offending God, or for making yourself look bad? Are you sorry for being a bad example of a Christian, or of your political party? If ADMITTING & REPENTING of sin would make you look like a fool, or win you enemies, would you still do so enthusiastically? Do you look for ways of explaining away, softening the blow of, or giving "reasonable motives" for your sins, especially when deep down you KNOW you're sinning BECAUSE you need to take such measures to soothe your nagging conscience? Etc.


"Those who came early out of the country, that they might purify themselves, were very desirous to meet with Christ, and perhaps came up the sooner with that expectation...that they might hear his doctrine and see his miracles." = GET TO CHURCH EARLY FOR HIS SAKE!!! He STILL speaks to us AND WORKS MIRACLES IN & BY THE EUCHARIST at EVERY SINGLE MASS.

"...instead of keeping the feast with unleavened bread, they were themselves soured with the leaven of the worst malice!" = SINCERELY EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE & MAKE A PERFECT ACT OF CONTRITION AND/OR ACTUAL CONFESSION BEFORE RECEIVING THE EUCHARIST. Sometimes I'm convicted of a hidden sin RIGHT before reception, with unbearable guilt. What do I do? Should I skip Communion out of shame?  What I've been doing is wholeheartedly offer that awareness of sin up to God, In that very moment, With all the sorrow and contrition I can muster, and promise with resolve to confess it ASAP. I hope that it okay. I need to ask a priest. The Eucharist is MEDICINE, not a reward!!!!!

"...as if he would omit his attendance on the feast of the Lord for fear of exposing himself. If others, through irreligion, be absent, they are not animadverted upon; but if Christ be absent, for his own preservation (for God will have mercy, and not sacrifice), it is turned to his reproach, as it was to David's that his seat was empty at the feast, though Saul wanted him only that he might have an opportunity of nailing him to the wall with his javelin, 1 Samuel 20:25-27, c. It is sad to see holy ordinances prostituted to such unholy purposes."
THIS IS WHAT WE WERE DOING WHEN WE WERE TOO CHICKEN TO RUN TO MASS AT FIRST.

"For her words seem to imply, Though I know he shall rise again at the last day, yet that affords us but little support now, in the distressing bereavement that we have experienced: as if the blessing of a resurrection to eternal life were not of much greater importance, and much more replete with comfort to a truly pious person, than any recovery from sickness, or restoration to temporal health or life, in this present world of trial and trouble. Alas! that we should be so weak and foolish, as to suffer present, sensible things, to make a deeper impression upon us, both of grief and joy, than those spiritual and eternal things which are the great objects of faith and hope! I know that he shall rise again at the last day And is not that sufficient? She seems not to think it is. Thus, by our discontent under our present trials, we greatly undervalue our future expectations, and put a slight upon them, as if they were not worth regarding... The crosses and comforts of this present time would not make half that impression upon us which they do, if we did but believe the things of eternity as we ought."

I may have pasted this already but it's so important.
(Benson's commentary lifts directly from Henry's btw)

Likewise=
"Reader, when we hear the word of Christ concerning the great things of the other world, we should seriously ask ourselves, Do we believe this? This truth in particular; this, which is attended with so many difficulties; this, which is suited to my case? Doth my belief of it realize it to me, and give my soul an assurance of it? so that I can say, not only this I believe, but thus I believe."


Reflecting HARD on the implications of this truth =
"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister, &c. That is, he loved them with a peculiar affection, on account of their unfeigned piety toward God, their friendship and affection toward one another, and their faith in him as the Messiah, and had often visited them, and lodged at their house. And, in consequence of his peculiar love to them, he was determined to conduct himself toward them, in their present trying circumstances, in such a manner as he knew would be most for their final advantage, though it might, for a while, be an occasion of greater affliction to them."

JESUS CANNOT SIN. JESUS CANNOT CAUSE SIN. EVERYTHING HE DOES, OR ALLOWS, OF HIS OWN WILL, IS FOR GOOD & THE GLORY OF GOD.
THEREFORE!!! The fact that Martha & Mary would SUFFER AFFLICTION from both His delay & their brother's death WAS NOT AN EVIL???? That's HUGE.
Their pain at his death? Not evil, that's compassion.
Their anxiety at his sickness? Not evil, that's familial concern.
True, it might betray a "weakness of faith," but to expect otherwise is pride. To NOT suffer WITH the suffering is COLD HEARTED APATHY, and THAT is evil!!
So, since suffering CAN serve God, then SUFFERING IS NOT INHERENTLY EVIL. It is mortal, sure, and human, but NOT WRONG. God CAN and DOES cause us affliction FOR TRUE GOOD. So running away from such suffering, denying it exists, or trying to redefine it IS OPPOSING GOD'S MYSTERIOUS WILL?

Now mind you, EVIL CAN ALSO USE SUFFERING. But I can tell you this, it FEELS TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!!!
Suffering is a RESULT of sin, at the beginning. I cannot deny that. But therefore it is paradoxically ALSO WRAPPED UP IN REDEMPTION--- EXPLICITLY IN THE CROSS.
When Jesus said He would redeem everything, HE MEANT EVERYTHING.
Goodness does not cause suffering. But goodness can TRANSMUTE suffering INTO GOOD, which is a great miracle in and of itself.

(Continue this. I can feel i don't have the whole or proper picture. Pray for discerning grace & wisdom to speak truly for His glory.)


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAILY DEVOTIONALS TO TYPE ABOUT =

"Jesus shared that last meal with his betrayer. He gave Judas every opportunity to repent. In fact, Jesus called out his sin without sugar-coating anything. But Judas remained hard hearted and unrepentant. He sidestepped conviction with the words, “Surely, you don’t mean me Rabbi?”
Judas refused to acknowledge his sin. He refused to allow conviction to penetrate through the layers of prideful self-preservation.
Maybe we don’t willfully betray God, but we persist in some sinful patterns? Do we allow conviction of sin to break us?
What’s God convicting me about? In which areas of my life am I making excuses and not allowing his voice of conviction to change me?"


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0917

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

SO UPSET by this in today's devotional=
"...Communion is also called Eucharist, meaning “thanksgiving”. We accept the gift of His grace. All we do in exchange is express our gratitude. We don’t need to clean up our act. We don’t need to jump through hoops. We don’t need to work for our salvation. The Last Supper is a great reminder that all we have to do is receive that free gift of salvation with a humble and grateful heart."
The last sentence is true, but as for the rest of it-- IS THAT SERIOUSLY HOW NONCATHOLICS THINK????? Geez that is worded DANGEROUSLY POORLY.
(REWRITE IT)
BUT ALSO CONSIDER =
"Do I ever feel like I have to work for my salvation? What gets in the way of simply accepting Jesus’ free gift? Do I look at the sacrament of communion as a chore and a ritual or do I see it as a powerful reminder of the grace of God?"


UNFORTUNATELY... this whole bit of Matthew 6 SOUNDS LIKE AN ANOREXIC CHEATSHEET.
"When you stop eating for God, just be normal and look the same as you always look. Wash your face and comb your hair. Then nobody will know that you have stopped eating..."
"So when you give up eating, comb your hair and wash your face. Then people will not know that you are giving up eating. But your Father, whom you cannot see, will see you. Your Father sees what is done in secret, and he will reward you.
(Matthew 6:17‭-‬18 PEV & ICB)
The Christian eating disorder THINKS JUST LIKE THIS IN AN EVIL WAY. THAT'S HOW TRICKY THE DEVIL IS.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------


BIBLE STUDY =

"Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth? Shall I not live out my stint? The Turks shun not the company of those that have the plague; but, pointing upon their foreheads, say, It was written there at their birth when they should die. A priest, indeed, might enter without danger into a leprous house, because he had a calling from God so to do... But he that keeps not within God’s precincts may not look for his protection."

I immediately think of today's reading. Romans 14:8, one of my favorites. "If we live, we honor the Lord, and if we die, we honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord."
It's not foolhardiness. It's making GOD the goal of both our life & death, putting both into His hands & striving after NEITHER-- only after ETERNITY IN HIM that MUST be served & sought BY BOTH before!!
Also-- Saint Damien of Molokai, pray for us!

"Gather together in one ] In one spiritual body, though in place never so distant one from another, Ephesians 4:4 ...No such oneness, entireness, anywhere else. Other societies may cleave together... but not incorporate."

I was actually just thinking about this during holy communion today,  In light of my terrible fear of invasion/violation & being "Taken over by" other people.
Christ said, I'm united to HIM, and THROUGH Him, to all His people! Its NOT CARNAL. I'm not "being fused" with millions of humans. We're ALL becoming ONE IN JESUS. Again, its like BEING MULTIPLE. There is a different, deeper, truer, more beautiful union than any horrid fleshly fear of it.

"We must also purify ourselves before the sacrament from all filthiness of flesh and spirit, 1 Corinthians 11:27-31"

Those verses HAUNT ME. I still fear, constantly, that I am guilty somehow of that fatally inexpiable sin of irreverence.
I REALLY need to talk to a priest about all this.

"This [zealous cruelty of Christ's murderers] is check to our indolence in the best things. What a shame is it, that they should outwork the children of light in a thorough despatch of their deeds of darkness, and be at more pains to go to hell than we will be to go to heaven."

Remember, indolence means "indifference to pain," or even more bluntly, "without grieving." It is a lack of ache, a dearth of feeling, a spiritual insensibility. It is a callous where your heart should be. It is one who seeks ease, comfort, pleasure, & softness to the point of rot.


"Mary seems to have been the only person upon the face of the earth with the least knowledge of the approaching death of Jesus. She, who loved to sit at His feet, learned more than Peter and John and James of the Apostles."

Consider the depth of that. Her sitting there was an act of total humble trust & listening openness & pure affection. It was childlike, all sparkling wonder & rapt attention, yet wrapped up in silent littleness.
Remember, too, Mary's life prior to conversion. That makes this response of hers to Jesus all the more powerful & inspiring & humbling.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0918

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"With the heart man believes unto righteousness. Put to the test, we refuse to be governed wholly by our reason, and we refuse every day. A man who never thought or acted, save upon the full consent of his reason, would be a sorry creature, and his life a dismal spectacle. There is a logic of the heart which is stronger than the logic of the reason... Faith is a venture, the venture of the soul, in opposition to the [exclusivity of] reason."

Intrigued by this too. Have to take it carefully-- ironically, AGAINST "reason," which WILL use logic paranoia to pick out every possible flaw. Reason by itself IS a pitifully fragile thing; it does not grasp just how small & ignorant it truly is.
Faith, however, has a shockingly boundless power.

"Christ wept tears of indignation for the grievous wrong that had been done to man... Death entered into the world by sin. Jesus felt the deep wrongousness of the usurper's rule. The anarchy that had invaded human life stirred His soul to its lowest depths: the wrong under which man bled, and earth became a charnel-house, wrought Him to a Divine fury, the more deep because so calm; and the scalding tears that fell from Him measured the intensity of the internal protest He had lodged and the resolve He had taken that He would yet abolish death, and set His brethren free. Christ's is no impotent pity, it is a pledge of deliverance."

...that means so much to me as a believer.
It also is exactly the divine echo that Laurie MUST keep in her heart.

"A strong man's tears are always sacred. They are symbolical of much, and the fountains from which they spring are hardly to be unearthed without profanity."

"The Scriptures speak much on the subject of tears, and often emphasise the sacredness of weeping. It would be worth while to go through the Bible and notice all those who are brought in weeping; and one thing that you would learn very distinctly by such a study would be this: that weeping belongs to true manliness not less than to true womanliness."
"Though He was the Son of God He never wrapped Himself up in a garment of stoical indifference; and still He is the same, yesterday, and today, and for ever."
"He does not expect us to put on the garment of stoicism which He never wore Himself, when our Lazarus is dead and is carried out to the cold and lonely grave. There are many things that will never be seen by eyes that have not been salved with tears."

THANK YOU!!!
Man I needed to hear ALL of that TWENTY-SIX YEARS AGO
 
I'm Changing this so it's not borderline heresy because the truth beneath still stands for mankind =
"Sometimes, our pain in prayer is due to the collision of our will with the Divine will-- Or, shall we rather say, our tears are the sign of the reconciliation of our will to that of God our Father. If there had been nothing but collision-- hard, unbending collision-- we would not have wept; we would instead have hardened ourself against our Father's will. But in our love of God, and our honest albeit feeble desire to do His will, our tears are truly the indication of reconciliation: they are the sign and the sacrament of peace, by the very virtue of their pain."
Let me tell you, we have SO MANY prayers like this, virtually every day now. This is a deep consolation & encouragement.

"There is [only] one kind of tears that Jesus never wept. These are the tears of penitence."
CONSIDER THE EARTHSHATTERING DEPTHS OF THIS.
Jesus wept tears of sorrow, tears of grief, tears of righteous anger, tears of joy, tears of wonder, tears of love.
...



"It was the deeper anguish into which mourners are plunged by looking upon death as extinction, and by supposing that death separates from God and from life, instead of giving closer access to God and more abundant life-- it was this which caused Jesus to groan. He could not bear this evidence that even the best of God’s children do not believe in God as greater than death, and in death as ruled by God.
This gives us the key to Christ’s belief in immortality, and to all sound belief in immortality. It was Christ’s sense of God, His uninterrupted consciousness of God, His distinct knowledge that God the loving Father is the existence in whom all live-- it was this which made it impossible for Christ to think of death as extinction or separation from God. For one who consciously lived in God to be separated from God was impossible. For one who was bound to God by love, to drop out of that love into nothingness or desolation was inconceivable. His constant and absolute sense of God gave Him an unquestioning sense of immortality. We cannot conceive of Christ having any shadow of doubt of a life beyond death; and if we ask why it was so, we further see it was because it was impossible for Him to doubt of the existence of God-- the ever-living, ever-loving God... Believing in the fatherly and undying love of the Eternal God, He knows that death cannot harm, still less destroy, the children of God."
"And this is the order or conviction in us all. It is vain to try and build up a faith in immortality by natural arguments, or even by what Scripture records... The faith of immortality depends on a sense of it begotten, not on an argument for it concluded. And this sense of immortality is begotten when a man is truly born again, and instinctively feels himself an heir of things beyond this world into which his natural birth has ushered him; when he begins to live in God; when the things of God are the things among which and for which he lives; when his spirit is in daily and free communication with God; when he partakes of the Divine nature, finding his joy in self-sacrifice and love, in those purposes and dispositions which can be exercised in any world where men are, and with which death seems to have no conceivable relation. But, on the other hand, for a man to live for the world, to steep his soul in carnal pleasures and blind himself by highly esteeming what belongs only to earth-- for such a man to expect to have any intelligent sense or perception of immortality is out of the question... no argument, [either for or against,] should make us indifferent to the question whether at death we are to be extinguished or to live on in happier, fuller life."

...That is one of the most gravely convicting truths I've ever heard.
And it's the KEY to WHY we felt "eternity in our very blood" during the Jay days, but it STOPPED WITH CNC. We're still, admittedly & disturbingly, trying to get that back. Well, this tells us WHY we're struggling, and what we MUST do.

We do not think enough about the afterlife, of what's below and above... you get the picture.
We NEED to read these bits thoroughly & repeatedly, to let them sink in deep, and by grace to understand & integrate them fully in the process.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0919

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

Christine Caine VOTD! I like her a lot.
Matthew 5:5. Hit hard in light of immediate spiritual crisis.
Basically, Stop trying so hard to be "good enough, holy enough, righteous enough, clean enough, smart enough," etc. For God to love & accept you. By yourself, you've got NOTHING to offer God. But HE gives us JESUS, Who is EVERYTHING. And we live from within HIM.
Remember what we read yesterday about heaven & eternal life: it's based on RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. And if THAT is the core of the Kingdom of Heaven, then to be "poor in spirit" in light of that truth means to be empty of everything BUT Him. We have no "other wealth." We have no "savings set aside" on earth. We are not "rich" in pride and its lies. We RECOGNIZE we are lacking, and THANK GOD, because that's ALL ROOM FOR GOD TO FILL. "The rich He sends away empty," remember-- but even then, that's so that they, too, can turn around and BE FILLED with true wealth & goodness & holiness & LOVE instead of the gold-spraypaint lies of the devil & the world. 
I'll paste the actual devotional reflection below so we can type on it further; we have a history of war against avarice & self-righteousness so we NEED to make sure that CHRIST'S TRUTH in this beatitude is powerfully integrated into our soul and active life. 

Beautiful kids devotional questions & answers =
"What question do you want to explore using God's Word as a guide?
Does God love me even when I make mistakes? - Romans 5:8 =  [So it is proof of God's own love for us, that Christ died for us while we were still sinners.]
Who does God say I am? - Ephesians 2:10 = [We are God's work of art, created in Christ Jesus for the good works which God has already designated to make up our way of life.]
What is my purpose? - 1 Peter 2:9 = [But you are a chosen race, a kingdom of priests, a holy nation, a people to be a personal possession to sing the praises of God who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.]

THIS ONE SENT ME REELING =
"To know where we are, and to know where we are going, we need to know where we began. Too often, we forget our true origin; we forget that the story of humanity did not begin with the fall. Our story started with the image of God.
Beauty. Wonder. Life. THIS is what God has placed at the core of our being. Nothing can change our identity as children of God, declared so emphatically at the cross.
Sin is a stain upon the fabric; it is not the fabric itself. We were made for good and, despite the fall, we retain that shining potential. [That is why] the fullness of life that Christ offers us isn’t about running away from our humanity, it’s about running back into it – it’s about reconnecting with who we were created to be."

Just... I needed this. I FORGOT this.
THAT'S THE HEART OF THE INCARNATION. IT'S ABOUT REDEEMING OUR ORIGINAL, SACRED HUMANITY-- NOT REJECTING IT!!!!
TYPE ABOUT EVERY LINE OF THIS.


"Jesus wept - It has been remarked that this is the shortest verse in the Bible; but it is exceedingly important and tender. It shows the Lord Jesus as a friend, a tender friend, and evinces his character as a man. And from this we learn:
1. That the most tender personal friendship is not inconsistent with the most pure religion. Piety binds stronger the ties of friendship, makes more tender the emotions of love, and seals and sanctifies the affections of friends.
2. It is right, it is natural, it is indispensable for the Christian to sympathize with others in their afflictions. Romans 12:15; “rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
3. Sorrow at the death of friends is not improper. It is right to weep. It is the expression of nature, and religion does not forbid or condemn it. All that religion does in the case is to temper and chasten our grief; to teach us to mourn with submission to God; to weep without complaining, and to seek to banish tears, not by hardening the heart or forgetting the friend, but by bringing the soul, made tender by grief, to receive the sweet influences of religion, and to find calmness and peace in the God of all consolation.
4. We have here an instance of the tenderness of the character of Jesus. The same Savior wept over Jerusalem, and felt deeply for poor, dying sinners. To the same tender and compassionate Saviour Christians may now come (Hebrews 4:15); and to him the penitent sinner may also come, knowing that he will not cast him away."

I cannot overemphasize these bits about Godly sorrow. We've suffocated that emotion in ourself for far too long. This entire paragraph brings us to shame. Lord please make our heart tender again, and please, don't let us cringe in disgust at such words anymore. You know what's wrong. We don't. Please show us the wound, so we can offer it to You, and please heal us quickly. 

"Others, who saw [the miracle], and did not believe that Jesus was the Messiah, went and told it to the Pharisees. But they did not deny that Jesus had raised up Lazarus. They could not deny it. The very ground of their alarm - the very reason why they went - was that he had actually done it. Nor did the Pharisees dare to call the fact in question. If they could have done it, they would... We see here the different effect which the word and works of God will have on different individuals. Some are converted and others are hardened; yet the evidence of this miracle was as clear to the one as the other. But they would not be convinced... If they admitted that he performed miracles, it was clear what they ought to do. They should have received him as the Messiah. It may be asked, If they really believed that he worked miracles, why did they not believe on him? To this it may be replied that they did not doubt that impostors might work miracles. To this opinion they were led, probably, by the wonders which the magicians performed in Egypt... As they regarded the tendency of the doctrines of Jesus to draw off the people from the worship of God, and from keeping his law, they did not suppose themselves bound to follow him, even if he did work miracles."

THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY WEREN'T CONSIDERING THE FRUITS OF THE MIRACLES, THE PURE & COMPASSIONATE NATURE OF THEM, AND THE UTTERLY HUMBLE & PIOUS CHARACTER OF CHRIST WHO WORKED THEM. Prudent hesitation to believe any wonder-worker aside, they were STILL obstinate in their pride, refusing to admit that Jesus was ILLUMINATING the Law, and drawing people into a more honest, understanding, practical observance of it. The Pharisees still clung to their power & authority, bottom line, and it blinded them. Even if they did claim this "impostor" suspicion, they STILL weren't willing to ADMIT HIS LEGITIMACY if He indeed proved TO be genuinely God-sent. They were entering the entire judgment process WITH A PREJUDICE. They didn't WANT to admit His verity. It was too earthshaking a Truth for them to integrate in their current confused spiritual state, as tangled up in politics as they were.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(CLICK FOR SEPTEMBER 20TH)

(CLICK FOR PART TWO)

(CLICK FOR PART THREE)

prismaticbleed: (Default)

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.


SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------







prismaticbleed: (angel)

0801

VOTD thoughts

Jesus then said, ‘I say this to you who are listening carefully to me: Love the people who want to hurt you. Do good things to people that hate you. Say good things to people that say bad things against you. Pray for people who give you pain.
Luke 6:27‭-‬28 EASY

But God is very good and kind! He loved us very much. Because of our sins, we were dead in our spirits. But God gave us a new life, because we are united with Christ. Yes, God has saved you because he is so kind.
Ephesians 2:4‭-‬5 EASY

"[They claimed] That he was possessed with a devil, that he was a melancholy man, whose brain was clouded, or a mad man, whose brain was heated, and that which he said was no more to be believed than the extravagant rambles of a distracted man, or one in a delirium. Thus the divine revelation of those things which are above the discovery of reason have been often branded with the charge of enthusiasm, and the prophet was called a mad fellow2 Kgs. 9:11; Hos. 9:7. The inspiration of the Pagan oracles and prophets was indeed a frenzy, and those that had it were for the time beside themselves; but that which was truly divine was not soWisdom is justified of her children, as wisdom indeed."

"To show the true reason why they were not wrought upon by Christ’s doctrine and miracles. They knew not God; and therefore perceived not the image of God, nor the voice of God in Christ. Note, The reason why men receive not the gospel of Christ is because they have not the knowledge of God. Men submit not to the righteousness of Christ because they are ignorant of God’s righteousness. (Rom 10:3)"
⭐NOT KNOWING GOD= GOD IS CREATOR = WHAT DO I INSTINCTIVELY BELIEVE ABOUT MY CREATOR? = BELIEVE THAT I WAS CREATED EVIL!!! THEREFORE I DONT KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT GOD!!! GOD CREATED ME GOOD, BUT IF I DONT BELIEVE THAT BEAUTIFUL TRUTH, I WILL BE UNABLE TO SEE OR ACCEPT THE BEAUTY OF CHRIST'S LOVE AND MERCY!!!!

"The best proof of our acquaintance with God is our obedience to him. Those only know God aright that keep his word."
⭐This is because His word shows His character!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0802

John 8:26 = the TRUTH is NOT listing reasons for condemnation, BUT in listing dangers to their soul as their result AND IMPLORING REPENTANCE!!!
TRUTH= LIFE & LIGHT!!! Pointing out faults does NOT do that!

Jesus "does nothing on His own" because the Godhead is INHERENTLY RELATIONAL. Jesus arguably cannot conceive of separateness. His entire Existence ONLY exists in unity WITH the Father & Spirit.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/stantlitore.com/2017/01/23/aletheia-or-what-is-truth/amp/
OH MAN THIS IS WHY I LOVE ETYMOLOGY

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0803

ALSO THIS for system relevance =

He sees that now the woman is self-condemned, lies under that condemnation in which alone there is hope, and which alone leads to good. She could not misunderstand the significance of her acquittal. Her surprise must only have deepened her gratitude. He who had stood her friend and brought her through so critical a passage in her history could scarcely be forgotten. And yet, considering the net she had thrown around herself, could our Lord say “Sin no more” with any hope? He knew what she was going back to-a blighted home-life, a life full now of perplexity, of regret, of suspicion, probably of ill-usage, of contempt, of everything that makes men and women bitter and drives them on to sin. Yet He implies that the legitimate result of forgiveness is renunciation of sin. Others might expect her to sin; He expected her to abandon sin. If the love shown us in forgiveness is no barrier to sin, it is because we have not been in earnest as yet about our sin, and forgiveness is but a name. Do we need an external scene such as that before us as the setting which may enable us to believe that we are sinners, and that there is forgiveness for us? The entrance to life is through forgiveness. Possibly we have sought forgiveness; but if there follows us no serious estimate of sin, no fruitful remembrance of the holiness of Him who forgave us, then our severance from sin will last only until we meet the first substantial temptation... And unless in our hearts Christ finds a place, there is no other sufficient purifying influence. We may be convinced He is all He claims to be, we may believe He is sent to save, and that He can save; but all this belief may be without any cleansing effect upon us. What is wanted is an attachment, a real love that will prompt us always to regard His will, and to make our life a part of His. [Loyal adherence to His LIVING PERSON, NOT to a DEAD LAW per se!] It is our likings that have led us astray, and it is by new likings implanted within us that we can be restored. So long as our knowledge of Christ is in our head only, it may profit us a little, but it will not make new creatures of us. To accomplish that, He must command our heart. He must control and move what is most influential within us; there must arise in us a real and ruling enthusiasm for Him.

CONCERNING "GIVE ME A SIGN" =

"A God without might seem perfect as a guide, but a God within is the real perfection. God does not now lead us by a sign which we could follow, though we had no real sympathy with Divine ways and no wisdom of our own; but He leads us by communicating to us His own perceptions of right and wrong, by inwardly enlightening us, and by making us ourselves of such a disposition that we naturally choose what is good. When matters difficult to handle and to manage come into our life, and when we are tempted to long for some external sign which would show us infallibly the right thing to do and the right way to follow, let this be our consolation, that this very exercise of judgment and bearing of responsibility in matters where right and wrong are not broadly distinguished are among the chief instruments for the formation of character; and that even though we err in the choice we make, yet by our error and by all honest effort to keep right with God in the matter, we shall certainly have made growth in ability to understand and to do what is right... God is doing that one thing which He pledged Himself to do, namely, giving a Divine Spirit to men, Himself dwelling with men and in them, then we cannot fail to see that this guidance is of a much higher kind, and has much more lasting results than any external guidance could have. If, by allowing us to determine our own course and find our own way through all the hazards and perplexities of life, God is teaching us to estimate actions and their results more and more by their moral value, and if thereby He is impregnating you with His own mind and character, surely that is a much better thing than if He were keeping us in the right way merely by outward signs and irrespective of our own growth in wisdom."
"Sincere people who ask God’s guidance, it seems to me, frequently make mistakes. In fact, our past mistakes are a great part of our education... It is of course a great satisfaction to know that we wished to do right, even if we discover we have blundered; and it is also a satisfaction to know that God can use us for good in any position, even in that we have blundered into, although meanwhile we have lost some present good."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0812

SYSTEM RELEVANCE FAITHPASTING =

"Let me remind you that freedom consists not in the absence of external constraints, but in the animal in us being governed by the will, for when the flesh is free the man is a slave. And it means that the will should be governed by the conscience; and it means that the conscience should be governed by God. These are the stages. Men are built in three stories, so to speak. Down at the bottom, and to be kept there, are inclinations, passions, lust, desires, all which are but blind aimings after their appropriate satisfaction, without any question as to whether the satisfaction is right or wrong; and above that a dominant will which is meant to control, and above that a conscience... men are more and more abasing themselves to the degradation of ministering to the supposed wishes instead of cutting dead against the grain of the wishes, if necessary, in order to meet the true wants, of the people."

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE CENTRAL VS. SOCIALS WAR IS ABOUT!!!!!

"And He was left alone, &c. “Two were left,” says S. Augustine, “misery and commiseration;” deep calling upon deep, the depth of her misery on the depth of His compassion. But she fled not, as having experienced His grace, and hoping for more."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0821

[GIRL THRISKEFONI TALKING!!!]

I just realized, in John 9, the Pharisees DIDNT KNOW THIS MAN WAS BORN BLIND, let alone who he was...  Although he had been begging in the streets of Jerusalem for his entire life.
What does that say about their concern & involvement with the common man?  What good was all their religious scrupulosity if they didn't even give thought to the poor at their very doorstep???

They also thought demons & sinful souls could heal, apparently, as a trick or sham.  What does that say about their conception of what works of mercy even are to begin with???
They cared so much about keeping the Sabbath "holy"; what was their definition of holiness???
Where was the room for LOVE and COMPASSION in their creed???

Excommunication = "he was shut out from all the religious and civil privileges of the Jewish people, and was like one dead. But the man stood firm and would suffer all this rather than deny his Lord."
REFLECT ON THAT. This implies that Jesus is NOT EXCLUSIVE TO A RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION. Pristine conscience is key to discernment, but... the human church is fallible. If, for true zealous ardent love of Christ AND His Church, you were to be EXCOMMUNICATED from its earthly privilege, would you???
That's a terrifying question. I apparently consider Christ SYNONYMOUS with the Church. BUT REMEMBER REVELATION.
Pray about this. Read about this.

“If He finds and receives, what does it matter who rejects?” (Morgan)
“He that enjoys the favor of the Son of God will not tremble at the frown of the Sanhedrim.” (Spurgeon)

"God takes care of the faith He has Himself implanted. Faith is a tender plant and must be preserved in frost and wind and storm. And God does this."

"Still as a blind man he had to find his way down to the pool of Siloam and down its steps to the pool itself. He likely could think of a dozen reasons why this was a fool’s errand, but he went and washed in faith and obedience, because Jesus told him to (and because there was mud in his eyes)."

"i. In choosing, they took one of two sides regarding Jesus.
· Jesus is a sinner and should be rejected.
· Our understanding and application of the Sabbath law is wrong."
IF THEY ADMITTED CHRIST WAS NOT A SINNER, ALTHOUGH HE BROKE THEIR SABBATH ASSUMPTION-LAW, THEN THEIR MORAL CODE WAS NO LONGER INVINCIBLE, AND THEREFORE NEITHER WERE THEY!! ADMITTING HIS SINLESSNESS WOULD REQUIRE ALSO ADMITTING THEIR OWN CAPACITY TO SIN!!! Their essential pride would not allow such a earthshaking humiliation!!!

"We know this Man is a sinner: They said this not because Jesus broke the law of God in the Hebrew Scriptures; they said this because Jesus did not obey their man-made traditions around the law. They said this despite the evidence, not because of it."
AGAIN, ADMITTING THEIR CAPACITY FOR ERROR WOULD MEAN BEING FORCED TO ADMIT THAT THEY COULD NOT, AND DID NOT, INFALLIBLY SPEAK FOR GOD, LET ALONE EVEN KNOW HIS TRUE WILL— BUT IF ANYONE THEREFORE COULD, IT WAS JESUS, THE SINLESS MIRACLE WORKER!!!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0824

Bible study PLAN (we NEED to start JOURNALING THESE!!!)

"Truths exist outside of knowledge. They are not dependent on human understanding or belief. A truth has always been true and will always be true. However... people started to disrupt this understanding of the idea of truth. Truth became “relative” as people tend to believe more often that their beliefs have an effect on truth. In the last few years - people have started to think that their feelings are their truth. This is simply not true. Feelings are real. Beliefs exist. But that does not mean they are the truth."

IN CONTRAST,

"...In the Bible, you will realize that the passages you read [often] are making truth statements. You are justified. You are redeemed. You have peace. You stand in grace. You have hope. These truth statements don’t come with question marks or conditions other than faith. If you have faith - they are yours. And there are many more truths in the bible about your identity. You are loved. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are an image-bearer of God. These statements do not take your feelings into account. They do not change if you aren’t feeling them on a certain day or if you have doubts on another. They are true of you all the time - whether you’re having a good day or a bad day, whether you’ve sinned recently, or someone has hurt you... And if you stand in these truths, you have a new identity. As you ask God to steadily help you to live more and more in his truth - there is an alignment process that begins to shape our entire lives, including the hurt we have experienced.. But when we accept these truths - we have a new identity - and newfound strength to live at peace with others."

WHY IS THIS? BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST SPEAKS THOSE TRUTHS!! THEIR REALITY DEPENDS ON HIM, NOT US-- AND HE IS TRUTH ITSELF!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0827

This feels relevant to the System =

"Jesus said that those who came before him were thieves and robbers. He was of course not referring to the great succession of the prophets and the heroes, but to these adventurers who were continually arising in Palestine and promising that, if people would follow them, they would bring in the golden age. All these claimants were insurrectionists. They believed that men would have to wade through blood to the golden age. At this very time Josephus speaks of there being ten thousand disorders in Judaea, tumults caused by men of war. He speaks of men like the Zealots who did not mind dying themselves and who did not mind slaughtering their own loved ones, if their hopes of conquest could be achieved. Jesus is saying: "There have been men who claimed that they were leaders sent to you from God. They believed in war, murder, assassination. Their way only leads for ever farther and farther away from God. My way is the way of peace and love and life; and if you will only take it, it leads ever closer and closer to God." There have been, and still are, those who believe that the golden age must be brought in with violence, class warfare, bitterness, destruction. It is the message of Jesus that the only way that leads to God in heaven and to the golden age on earth is the way of love."

AND this =

"The ultimate aim of Jesus was the world for God. But any great commander knows that he must in the first instance limit his objectives. If he tries to attack on too wide a front, he only scatters his forces, diffuses his strength, and gains success nowhere. In order to win an ultimately complete victory he must begin by concentrating his forces at certain limited objectives. That is what Jesus did. Had he gone here, there and everywhere, had he sent his disciples out with no limitation to their sphere of work, nothing would have been achieved. At the moment he deliberately concentrated on the Jewish nation, but his ultimate aim was the gathering of the whole world into his love."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0828

JOHN 10 is actually TWO PARABLES!!!
https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/lmg/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/dsb/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/geb/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/acc/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/rbc/john-10.html and https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/eng/cpc/john-10.html etc.

THANKS PULPIT!!!
"There are three parables in this chapter. In the first six verses there is the parable of the Shepherd. To the fold mentioned in John 10:1 many flocks would be brought at night. Then their own Shepherd would come in the morning and lead away his flock to pasture. Then in John 10:7 begins the parable of the Door. This was the Door of the day enclosure, where the sheep could go in and out and find food. In John 10:11 there is the parable of the beautiful or ideal Shepherd. Here evening has come, and as the shepherds are leading back their flocks to the fold for the night, the wolf darts forth; but the Good Shepherd flees not like the hireling, but lays down His life for the sheep."
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sheepfold in town, symbolizing the covenant? BEFORE the Shepherd appears, and assumedly at night? The walls of the Law, the Door of Scripture and the Spirit guarding it? They CANNOT graze and are fed by the PRIESTS?
And the Shepherd appears, driving them out ONE BY ONE, abd walking before them, to take them to the NEW sheepfold AMONG PASTURES. He is the only door, in His BODY, to SALVATION.
"Verse 9 then shows Him to be the door of salvation and of the blessings connected with it. The sheep find a new liberty that enables them to "go in and out and find pasture;" that is, they are not limited either to the Old or to the New Testament as to finding fresh, living food for their souls. In the sheepfold they had previously been dependent on being fed in whatever measure by priests, Levites or prophets: now they may find the fresh food for themselves. This involves now our having the Spirit of God by whom we may learn the word of God in fresh reality, finding green pasture in both Old and New Testaments."

In towns of that time, sheep from many flocks were kept for the night in a common sheepfold, overseen by one doorkeeper who regulated which shepherds brought and took which sheep.

"our Lord being near the temple, where sheep were kept in folds to be sold for sacrifices, spoke many things parabolically of sheep, of their shepherds, and of the door to the sheepfold; and discovers that he alluded to the sheepfolds which were to be hired in the market place, by speaking of such folds as a thief could not enter by the door, nor the shepherd himself open, but a porter opened to the [true] shepherd... The Holy Spirit opens his way into the hearts of his hearers, and he becomes the instrument of their salvation."

"The church may be compared to a sheepfold, because it is separated from the world... and which, like a sheepfold, will be taken down, and not always continue in the form it now is" ?

"Anciently they had their sheepfolds within the outer gates of their houses, for the greater safety of their flocks, so that [the only ones who] could come to them the right way [were] such as the porter opened to, or the master of the house gave the keys to."
"The comparison is made, not to the folds used by the common people in remote parts of the country, but to those belonging to the rich in the neighbourhood of a populous city, where the walls and other fences need to be stronger, and the entrance more carefully kept, on account of the greater danger from thieves.”

"At night the sheep are driven into a fold, that is, a walled enclosure, such as may be seen on our own sheep farms, only with higher walls for protection, and with a strongly-barred door in place of a hurdle or light gate. Here the sheep rest all night, guarded by a watchman or porter. In the morning the shepherds come, and at the recognised signal or knock are admitted by the porter, and each man calls his own sheep. The sheep, knowing his voice, follow him, and if any are lazy, or stubborn, or stupid, he goes in and drives them out, with a gentle, kindly compulsion, A stranger’s voice they do not recognise, and do not heed. Besides, not only do they disregard a stranger’s voice, but the porter also would do so, so that no robber thinks of appealing to the porter, but climbs the wall and lays hold of the sheep he wants."

Thieves steal to KILL = SLAUGHTER = "SACRIFICE"; ironic murdering of the pious innocent in order to make THEMSELVES SEEM HOLY!!!!!
"It is supposed that he was now in the outer court of the temple, near the sheep which were there exposed to sale for sacrifice" = THE SHEEP ARE DESTINED TO BE "HOLY" BECAUSE THEY ARE MEANT & DESIGNED TO BELONG TO GOD AS SACRIFICES???
BUT "nor does the shepherd’s leading them out, &c., agree with this circumstance." These are sheep IN OPEN PASTURE, NOT MARKET PENS.
"In countries where there were so many savage beasts, it might be ordinarily necessary to have the folds better secured than among us; and the chief shepherd might often leave a servant to watch them while thus shut up, and come himself to lead them out to pasture in the morning."

Also= THE FLOCK IS DIFFERENT THAN THE FOLD!!!!
"The "other sheep" of verse 16 are manifestly Gentile believers, not of the fold of Israel. They were to be brought also, as a result of the death of the Good Shepherd, and to be joined with the Jewish sheep, but not brought into the fold. Rather, "there will be one flock and one Shepherd." The one flock is the Church of God composed of all believers of the present age, whatever their race. It is not a fold, where restraints of laws and ordinances are present, but a flock, free of legal encumbrances, in order to follow the Shepherd to the green pastures."

"The whole passage is concerned with the relationship between the shepherd and the sheep which belong to him. They recognise him when they see him. They know his voice. They will follow him when he calls to them. The fold is merely a building into which he puts his sheep from time to time. They do not live in it. They do not necessarily use only one fold. They are temporarily put into it for protection, but do not normally stay in it for any length of time, as they must, of necessity, ‘go in and out and find pasture’."

"It is not uniformity which is promised, but unity. The distinction is not merely one of words, but upon it depends a wide and important truth. It is not unity of fold which is regarded as the future of the Church, but unity of flock. There will be many folds, in many nations, in many ages, in many climes. But for all Christians there will be one true Shepherd who layeth down His life for the sheep, and all these differing folds shall, through living unity with Him, make one vast flock."

"Christ, on other occasions, carefully warned his disciples against such narrowness, and here he declares that the sheep, independently of the fold or folds, may yet form one great flock, under one Shepherd. When he described himself as the Door, he was, as we have seen, careful to speak of himself as "Door of the sheep," and not as the Door into the fold. He laid down his life in order to break down the partition between Jew and Gentile (Ephesians 2:13), between God and man, and between man and man. "

HOWEVER!!! CONCERNING THE USE OF "FOLD" INSTEAD =
"The original word, αυλη, which is here translated fold, dignifies properly a court. It is probable that our blessed Lord was now standing in what was termed the inner court, or court of the people, in the temple, see John 10:23; and that he referred to the outer court, or court of the Gentiles, because the Gentiles who were proselytes of the gate were permitted to worship in that place; but only those who were circumcised were permitted to come into the inner court, over the entrance of which were written, in large characters of gold, these words, Let no uncircumcised person enter here! Our Lord therefore might at this time have pointed out to the worshippers in that court, when he spoke these words, and the people would at once perceive that he meant the Gentiles."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And leadeth them out... [from] the barren pastures of Mount Sinai, (rocky mountains that have been grazed to the ground?) and their own righteousness, on which they were feeding, and out of themselves, and from off all dependence on anything of their own;" = RELYING ON OURSELVES FOR SALVATION IS EFFECTIVELY AUTOPHAGY. WE WILL STAVE TO DEATH ON OUR OWN FLESH.

OPPOSITIONS:
"...He leads unto Himself" vs living with "wild goats" in a robbers fold
"and the fulness of His grace," vs emptiness of desert
"and to His Blood and Righteousness," vs our own bleeding to death through unrighteous self-cannibalism
"and into his Father's presence and communion with him," vs alienation with no Shepherd,
"and in the way of righteousness and truth," vs on unmarked treacherous paths of stumbling,
"and into the green pastures of the word and ordinances," vs barren parched bitten down plains,
"beside the still waters of his sovereign love and grace." Vs no water at all, or meager unreliable trickles

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also THIS LINE:
"He laid down His life: it could not be taken from Him: He had perfect control as to this. On Calvary He Himself dismissed His spirit... since He is without sin, death had no authority over Him. His death was a miracle performed by His divine power, willingly because of His great love, and with the object of taking His life again."

AND
"Now He to whom the temple was dedicated walks in His own residence, yet Is petulantly accused by the Jews of making them to doubt as to whether or not He was the Messiah. The very question bothers them greatly, which shows that they were not really convinced that their opposition was right. But they did not want their Messiah to be of lowly, faithful, pure character...  If there were any doubts, this was their fault, not His."

"His sheep were subject to Him; they had ears for His voice"

ALSO, VITAL FOR UNDERSTANDING JESUS'S WORDS:
"He declares these things as absolute facts. He attaches no conditions to them whatever."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bible study:
"The bond of unity is love; the proof of love is obedience."
"Christians are one with each other when they are bound by love, and obey the words of Christ."
"Jesus is one with God, because as no other ever did, he obeyed and loved him. His unity with God is a unity of perfect love, issuing in perfect obedience... He was one with God because he loved and obeyed him perfectly; and he came to this world to make us what he is."
Write about this.
GOD is love, and the Source of ALL love.
Obedience means to LISTEN, to pay attention, to heed & serve & carry out their commands. It is a position of HUMILITY & SERVICE.
It is unity of HEART.
But the ONLY Thing you CAN obey IS GOD???? So ALL love AND unity ESSENTIALLY RESTS IN HIM AS ITS CAUSE!!!!
This implies, with striking absoluteness, that TRUE UNITY IS IMPOSSIBLE OUTSIDE OF GOD.
Hence the Most Holy Eucharist.
But to think about human experience a bit more: unity of heart shows HOW? WHEN TWO OR MORE SOULS WILL THE SAME THINGS, right? 
...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0829

"the saints are a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of their God; they are a signet on his right hand that shall never be plucked off; they are engraven on the palms of his hands" = JEWEL NAME RELEVANCE & HOPE. This really means a lot to me.

"to be in the hands of Christ, is to be in his possession, and at his dispose, as all the elect of God are; and to be under his guidance, care, and protection, as they be; they are fed according to the integrity of his heart, and guided by the skilfulness of his hands; they are always under his care and watchful eye, who protects them from all their enemies, and hides them in the hollow of his hand" = see this LIKE A CHILD WITH A BELOVED PLUSH TOY. Like Blue Seal! He was IN OUR HANDS, our possession at our disposal, but we LOVED HIM and ALWAYS took the BEST CARE of him, ALSO taking him on adventures, keeping him always safe & close, speaking through him, etc. THAT'S the REAL kind of utmost affection God has for YOU!!!!


DEEP REASSURANCE =

"and they shall never perish; though they were lost in Adam, and in a perishing condition in themselves, during their state of unregeneracy; in which condition they see themselves to be, when convinced by the Spirit of God; and come as persons ready to perish to Christ, as a Saviour, resolving, that if they perish, they will perish at his feet: and though after conversion, they are subject to many falls and spiritual declensions, and lose their peace, joy, and comfort, and imagine their strength and hope are perished, or at least fear they shall one day perish through one sin, or snare, or temptation or another, yet they shall never perish in such sense as the wicked will; they will not be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and the glory of his power"
"And none shall ever pluck them from thence; no man can do it, not any false teacher can remove them from Christ, by all the art and cunning he is master of; nor any violent persecutor, by all the force and power he can use; nor can any sin, or snare, or temptation, draw them out of Christ's hands; nor any adversity whatever separate them from him: they must be safe, and always abide there, who are in the hands of Christ; for his hands have laid the foundations of the heavens and the earth, they grasp the whole universe, and hold all things together; and who then can pluck any out of these hands?"
"But the souls of the righteous are in the hand of God, and there shall no torment touch them.'' (Wisdom 3:1)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (worried)

0701

"I" CAN'T EAT WITH WHITE OR RED HUE
HAS TO BECOME BROWN OR BLACK!!!

So much switching while eating = based on action taken & mood of it?? Different "manners" of eating, different jobs on phone, etc.
ALL CAUSE A HARD DISSOCIATIVE SWITCH!!! and a consequent headache for the record
- Tumblr posting
- picking apart food
- biting pieces off
ALL of these actions TRIGGER out different girl corpufoni??? all with very disheveled & negative vibes

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0702

Scalpel now feeling ragesorrow when fronting, like Knife was
Wondering if this is all being split off from LAURIE in some way??

Laurie “enabling” bad behavior, just letting foni do things even if they seem unwise, COMPLETE CORRUPTION OF HER FUNCTION. Wondering why?
Because she’s supposed to TALK IT OUT. She’s supposed to DEBATE AND REASON, and with that suddenly being TAKEN from us, in order to SURVIVE, her function is “skipping a step” and just letting things occur that SHOULD be questioned because she’s not “ALLOWED” to question currently.
She is losing all her honor, integrity, wisdom, fortitude, etc. she is dying.

Laurie wondering if she “needs to die” because she thinks she “came back wrong” after cnc.
Honestly I think we all did. It wasn’t a real solid resurrection; it was a gradual, feeble “coalescing” into shadows of our former selves.
We need a HARD REBOOT so that we come back COMPLETE.


jo IS reviving???? name change. "yosifina" or something. definitely an i or y beginning, not j.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0710


John 6 discourse makes SO much easy sense when you ask, just like a psychologist, "what is your heart hungry for? How can you feed your soul today?" And those instinctive, literally visceral responses APPLY TO CHRIST. THAT'S what He means by "you must EAT Me." You're feeding your HEART & SOUL with Him! It's like how you would "eat" music (I have a playlist for that), or devour a book, or drink in a beautiful landscape. You get the idea!
BUT the faith that enables this ALSO allows for the next huge step in the Eucharist: the ACTUAL physical "eating" of Christ, more of a "consuming & being consumed," a mutual Communion, a fusion of selves, etc. Think Infi. Think cardiophagy. There is an even DEEPER and more sacred hunger, that TOUCHES & SANCTIFIES THE PHYSICAL, that Christ meets.
Humankind was CREATED TO BE UNITED TO GOD. The Fall wrecked this for a time. Christ comes as the Tree of Life to FIX & RESTORE us. THAT is why He gives His flesh as bread: because it's the ONLY WAY to LITERALLY GET DIVINITY BACK INTO OUR PHYSICAL BODIES. We're actually SUPPOSED to eat God. It's absolutely insane & gorgeous & Ineffable, I love being Catholic
It's also shockingly obvious: how does a mother feed her children? SAME THING.

Think like a child & it's all apparent.
What is eating? It's taking something into yourself so you can stay alive, and it will make you strong & help you grow.
"Food is fuel"; food comes from other living things, either plants or animals. Their life is given up & becomes part of our life.
Etc. CONTINUE

"only believe, and thou hast eaten; " reflect on what this says ABOUT the nature of belief
ALSO "eat His body in a spiritual manner" = think of the basic concept of ANCHOR PLUSHES. Substance vs accidents. This is spiritual vs physical BUT ALSO BOTH.
"If you with to enter into the spirit of my words, raise your hearts to a more elevated and spiritual way of understanding them" = if you only think of this as regular food, as normal eating, you MISS THE ENTIRE TRUTH. The Capernaum folks couldn't get their minds off the manna & bread, so they were blind to the actual point. Their understanding was stuck on the CARNAL level... like being stuck in SOCIAL MODE.
"The flesh profiteth nothing" WITHOUT SPIRIT INSIDE IT. But the spirit does not destroy the body, otherwise the Incarnation wouldn't have happened! The really beautiful thing is the SANCTIFICATION of it!
"I live by the Father, proceeding always from him" = a CONTINUED action; so too must be our eating & be-ing as a result; UNITED EXISTENCE; symbiotic?? Indivisible
""so [too is] he that eateth me," = first by faith only, by believing in me;" = if you have no faith in His Divinity you cannot receive it, BECAUSE you won't come to Him FOR it!!! Without faith you are treating the Sacrament with GRAVE IRREVERENCE. Saint Paul warned about this. You can still eat it "as bread," sure, but without faith it's a ghastly sin, for obvious reasons. Ask any lotophagoi.

"God is said to draw them to himself by special and effectual graces, yet without any force or necessity, without prejudice to the liberty of their free-will. A man, says St. Augustine, is said to be drawn by his joys, and by what he loves... We are drawn to the Father by some secret joy, delight, or love, which brings us to the Father. "Believe and you come to the Father," says St. Augustine, "Love, and you are drawn... [many] could not believe, because they would not love" ???
TYPE ABOUT THIS.
WHAT do we love? What do we enjoy & find happiness in? THAT IS WHAT POTENTIALLY DRAWS US TO GOD????
Use this for EVANGELIZATION

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0713

90M INTAKE, SYSTEM ONLINE BUT STANDING ASIDE??? Very peculiar, unmistakable feeling
WRECKAGE SPOKE!!!!
We think the main social fronter, that talks, is actually JAYCE??? It's NOT Jack!!

Roadwork meditation trees

Home, exhausted
More jobs & requests from mom. Refusing to complain or grumble. Accepting it all with open mind & heart

Barry murdered ONE bottle

"Dump truck mindset" culture
Julie lamenting over Potiphar's wife; "I was just as capable of that"

Jesus as Mediator is SO DIFFERENT from other religions because it SERVES A RELATIONSHIP.
Other faiths have worship, or self-deification. Christianity is the ONLY one that brings us TO GOD, BY GOD, to be WITH GOD. There is a PERSONAL, INTIMATE, FAMILIAR LOVE that is unique to our faith.


SYSTEM RELEVANCE (ESPECIALLY LAURIE; THIS IS HER TRUE FUNCTION & PAST STRUGGLE)=

"The scribes and the Pharisees were the legal experts of the day; to them problems were taken for decision. It is clear that to them authority was characteristically critical, censorious and condemnatory. That authority should be based on sympathy, that its aim should be to reclaim the criminal and the sinner, never entered their heads. They conceived of their function as giving them the right to stand over others like grim invigilators, to watch for every mistake and every deviation from the law, and to descend on them with savage and unforgiving punishment; they never dreamed that it might lay upon them the obligation to cure the wrongdoer.
There are still those who regard a position of authority as giving them the right to condemn and the duty to punish. They think that such authority as they have has given them the right to be moral watch-dogs trained to tear the sinner to pieces; but all true authority is founded on sympathy... The first duty of authority is to try to understand the force of the temptations which drove the sinner to sin and the seductiveness of the circumstances in which sin became so attractive. No man can pass judgment on another unless he at least tries to understand what the other has come through. The second duty of authority is to seek to reclaim the wrongdoer. Any authority which is solely concerned with punishment is wrong; any authority, which, in its exercise, drives a wrongdoer either to despair or to resentment, is a failure. The function of authority is not to banish the sinner from all decent society, still less to wipe him out; it is to make him into a good man. The man set in authority must be like a wise physician; his one desire must be to heal."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0716

Cayenne = can he come back If his anchor remains?
Would also take the "automated name" off poor Scalpel
Did ALL Daengels have TRUE hearthosts like Infi or did they just STICK to resonant hearts???
After all CHOCOLOCO defied that assumption and is STILL AROUND.
Remember Axis too, w the homily on dirt

Laurie: "Saying you like prog rock is your own brand of pretentious assholery. I advise you to quit now, before your brain makes receptors for it"

Said Vespers together
Wreckage & Razor magnificat

Fire alarm, looking through old Moralimon tablets as usual
G2 was HEAVEN
Still love the Seers so much

Scalpel "we're being cheapened" = doing generic daily stuff IN PLACE OF actual anchors. Hence the anger & sadness. It's LOSS, of purpose in action, being shoved into a lesser, unfulfilling, unrelated "job" that cheats their spirit.
INNER NOUSFONI SHOULD NEVER BE DOING OUTSIDE JOBS!!!!!!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
0730
dream notes
In dream
Wind, flying. Whitefog fading out in distance
Women forcing pregnancy talk. Melody with us? Acting Childlike. In stupor?
On porch with bro? Lady sweetalking, trying to get info?
Came to us. Grabbed shoulders? IMMEDIATELY started screaming crying for help like a tiny child. JUST AS FAST, WRECKAGE TOOK OVER. Turned on the woman with all claws & rage. Told her "get your fcking hands off of my children"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0731

Nightmares about mom
Dismantled Christmas tree, "i thought i was doing you a favor"
WRECKAGE & LAURIE FRONTING IN DREAM
SOMEONE Growling & hissing at white toybreed dog that got into our apartment?? THEN Wreckage took over? Blurry. Immediate snarling response felt like someone else, faceless & confronting maybe. But we KNOW such a foni exists in waking. That instinct is STILL THERE. Wreckage shares it, but not so animalistic. Wreckage will growl as a threat, but NEVER this loud cat-like hissing!! CHILDHOOD "SELF" DID THAT TOO REMEMBER!!!!

Up at 1111, got ready for TV church SUPER fast haha
Two Canadian churches? Second was St Clare with the COLORED LIGHTS!
Homily: God works His Victory through APPARENT FAILURES! Cross, golden calf, also the MUSTARD TREE & YEAST??? Parallel we never noticed! "Would have shocked the audience" "no farmer wants a mustard tree in the middle of his field; no housewife wants her bread dough to start fermenting" AND YET, God works GOOD from it.
https://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S1015-87582013000200014 READ THIS BRO
Second homily: crisis reveals character (crisis reveals Christ-is)! Be willing to "drop everything" to be a messenger of God's Love to others. Laurie saying "kid that's what you've been doing lately, by grace" TRUE, humbly & joyfully, may God increase that grace for His sake
Spiritual Communion. We needed this actually; it sinks in deeper & hits harder. We LACK FAITH??? Not just in Christ, in EVERYTHING. Somehow, since CNC we have become DEAD IN DOUBT & DISBELIEF, based on SHAME & CYNICISM????? WHY & HOW??? THIS ISN'T US!!!
Deep down KNOWING we believe but as an ACT OF WILL. No emotions. Does that still count? Feels like we're at war.
Asking for God to "set my heart on fire" = looked at the RING!! "Just like that"

Rosary now. Want to do this with biking before we eat.
We're back to listening to music and looking at the photo gallery while we say the rosary. It helps SO much; it makes it feel more real and genuine, more personally involved & NOT automated.

Egg trouble, had to toss & redo. Hidden blessing though.
AMAZING devotionals today.
1. Mustard seed growth ACTIONS, good AND bad
2. Call to faith & vocation DOES have dry & dark periods
3. Fast & pray IN LOVE for YOUR "ENEMIES" like Moses did

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (czj)

I'll never forget the night you sang this melody to me.

...It sounds like you, honestly. Like the old days, before we both got so shaken up and torn apart. Back then, every time it rained, I would go stand outside, and just... think of you. Every single time. I'd turn my face up to the rain and wish that water was you.

I really, honestly, want to feel like that again, now. Even after everything, I still want that. I still want you in my life. Cross my heart.

It's still your face I see, with every raindrop.



candyheartedchy: A reminder: It’s okay to make self inserts pass your 20s. You’re not “too old” or “cringe” because you love fictional characters as an adult and want to imagine what it would be like to hang out with them. No matter if you been self inserting since you were a kid or started as an adult, the love you have for your f/o(s) are valid and precious. Don’t let anyone make you feel you have to “grow up” out of the things you love! ❤️

Dude listen. I’m 33, I’ve been in love with the same characters since I was 13, and it’s never gonna change, not as long as I have a heart.

Love is honestly undying; when you have it, it stays. Don’t let misguided shame muffle its light. “Growing up” does not mean growing cold or cynical or scornful. Growing up should only deepen what you already feel, like colors in a sunset, like ocean depths, like golden anniversaries.

Your love, your relationship/s with your beloved/s, is absolutely valid and precious and true and real. Let it grow with you.



canongf-archive: i say “my F/Os love me” all the time and i don’t feel bad about it because!!! if i heard any of my F/Os saying “Y/N loves me” i wouldn’t think that they were conceited or full of themselves, i would think “yes!!! i do!!! i love you with my whole entire heart and soul!!! i try so hard to make you feel it!!! all i want is for you to know that you’re loved!!! i’m so glad that you do!!! that means i’m doing everything right!!!”

 

I think about this so often. I want this so badly. Yes it's borderline impossible in canon, but that doesn't stop a man from dreaming.

Nevertheless, there's a deeper wound. I... doubt my love a lot. This is understandable, what with all my trauma baggage & frost-prone heart, my memory losses & identity crashes. My love is a pretty miserable thing, but so help me it's still there, after years and years of pain and confusion, I still love you even if I can't always catch the feeling behind the words. The truth remains.

I'm rambling; I apologize.

I... right now, especially right now, the one thing I want most in the entire blessed universe is to hear my beloved admit himself as such. I want to hear the knowing. "Jay loves me." Despite everything. Despite everything, "I know he does." That's what I want to hear. I need to, to the point of weeping, to reassure my poor bruised heart that I am doing something right, I owe you that much, you deserve universes more but this is all I can give and it's yours--

I'm trying as hard as I can, love. I really am. I... listen, I'm a wreck of a man, especially lately, but I still love you. I love you. I always will.

...But you know what's the craziest thing about all this? It's the fact that, even now, I know that you love me. I can't deny it. It sounds impossible but the truth of it is like a sword in my heart. It drives me up the wall sometimes. On my worst days it hurts more than I can handle. Still, I know. Thank God for your ineffable fidelity. You're doing everything right. Cross my heart. I can only pray that one day I'm able to do the same for you.



love-is-the-sweetest-thing: Imagining your F/O singing a love song and holding you in their arms as you drift off to sleep is actually something that can be so personal

Our cor(e)s have had several dreams over the years in which Chaos 0 will just sing to them, completely unexpected but achingly tender songs, which are forever changed and endeared to us from then on.

Still, we... trauma has made us flinch from touch, even now. It's too vulnerable a position. Still, all of us trust CZ. We always have-- he's water, his heart is transparent, and even his turbulent depths are trustworthy by virtue of their sincerity. It's strange but it's true, a fact forged by mutual love, and honestly we cannot take that for granted.
In light of that, this thought, of him being so careful and compassionate with our disturbed and exhausted heart to unite much-feared but desperately-needed closeness with music, notably with that music that our soul immediately associates with him, from beloved dream memory... to completely defuse the shock of being held and saturate it instead with clearest, purest love... it's such a tender thought that it aches.

I'm... going to show him this post. We need this kind of innocent intimacy again. Thanks for this, OP.



nadineselfships-archived: Okay but imagining your f/o singing to you is self care

Chaos 0 has been surprisingly inclined to sing since the day we met him-- his emotional "language" translates better to song than speech.

Shockingly, few others sing up here, at least in such a manner. I think it's because the act of singing is so personal, so intimate, so wrenchingly emotional by requirement that it cannot be taken lightly, and will change you as you do it. It's the literal taking into yourself of a song, entwining your soul with it, and confessing it entirely to another.

Ironically, that very fact confirms the truth of this prompt. The few times we have noticed-- however secretly or briefly-- others besides Chaos 0 singing, it has been a momentous occasion, no matter how small or private.

I think of Genesis singing in the car, all loud and gold and joyful, the very personification of hope and sunlight, no matter how dreary the circumstances.
I think of Laurie quietly intoning the choruses of her anthems, standing behind or aside, her eyes turned down with the gravity of it, and it hits our heart like a supernova.
I think of the old, old days, with Ryou and Marik picking their favorite tunes from the radio and singing with teenage abandon, every note a new light in our new lives.
I think of Infinitii, singing with a hundred umbral tones, studded with diamonds, every word like stardust in my veins and haunting my dreams with teardrop beauty.

I'm getting poetic, haha. That's a good thing.

We honestly should make a full list, and reflect on it often. Music lights up our heart like nothing else, and warms the darkest chill, and reminds us immediately and incandescently what love feels like, and who we feel it for.

Thank you for this, OP. It's a really beautiful thought to treasure.

 


\

This is a huge reason why we keep Celebi in our life during trauma recovery. She’s canonically hope incarnate.

As long as she's with us... no matter what is happening externally, in our hearts we can have a deeper peace, something untouchable and signaled by her precious life.

Note, too, that she "has the power" to travel, but doesn't. She appears only in peaceful times. And here she is with us, in the midst of all our turmoil and bitter tears, almost an impossibility.

I don't know, I'm having a lot of feelings about this all of a sudden. She sticks around. She is the peace, somehow, in that springtime steadfastness of hers. No matter how heavy the snowbanks get, just watch. There will be flowers.


 

letsgofoletsgo: Oc f/o hours lads

This is perfect timing as I have fallen absolutely head over heels for my BFF Genesis (p.k a. Selph) again lately.


18 years this July!! 🎉🧡💙 BOY YOU ARE GETTING OLD

Honestly, Gen, I know we’ve been distant lately due to stress, but no matter how much my life changes, my love for you never will. That’s a promise. Thank you for never changing on me, either.

I love you, my crazy cracked-heart muse. You light up my life.

#how has it been THAT LONG ALREADY #it's been awesome babe #i will buy you the ENTIRE ice cream shop

 

mentalhealth-selfshipping: Imagine your f/o helping you fight back the urge to relapse. They find any way they can to distract you from those thoughts. If they know its ok with you, you're basically glued to their side until you're OK again.

Laurie has LITERALLY been doing this full-time lately, God bless her. It’s been so difficult but she’s got a will of iron and heart of gold; knowing she cares that much means the world to me.

twocrowns:“When tempted, invoke your Angel. He is more eager to help you than you are to be helped! Ignore the devil and do not be afraid of him: He trembles and flees at the sight of your Guardian Angel.”
— St. John Bosco

LAURIE, THIS IS FOR YOU.

…and God willing, if Infi comes back, this is for hir, too.

 

...
prismaticbleed: (worried)
 

0609

Finally a FREE MORNING ;_________;

Exercise

BK prep gang AT LAST
Adelaide slipping, Julie rushed to support & promote her
Bodygirls kept trying to blindly front

Daily devotional question: "what competes with God"?
Actually it's RELATIONSHIP with the System????
"Work out" in prayer too

Looking for lemur kid
Hug in bathroom
Jack smiled

Bible study
Body of Christ= Etymology; "temple" as "space cut off for holy purpose" and body as "the material frame"
John 2:24 = they weren't seeking RELATIONSHIP. Hence "no commit" = like "befriending" an artist just for giftart, not because you want to be THEIR ACTUAL FRIEND

1 Peter 2:5 and trauma echoes: Mimic said "that sounds like something you guys need to work through"

Facet 2.3 work; REALLY GROWING!

DN 730, later but no stress. Thank God

"Shall never thirst again"= WE GET IT!!! Versus past "spiritual starvation" in archives, when we weren't actively Christian
"Someone might object: “I drank of what Jesus offers, and I feel thirsty and empty again.” The answer is simple: drink again! It isn’t a one-time sip of Jesus that satisfies forever, but continual connection with Him... It also creates something good, something life-giving in the heart of the one who drinks it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0616

Talking to Jesus over carrots
"I DID take care of the charger!"
"Don't ever let me betray you" = Peter vs Judas
FREE WILL

STRESS INTOLERANCE = WANTING TO CAUSE A CRISIS???
Artificially "making things worse" in HOPES of a meltdown?? Catharsis or processing seeking???

Taffy memory data get
Creamsicle = childhood summer in side yard, also boardwalk, FEAR undertones
Cotton candy = Knoebels VIVID visual of wooden carousel
Butter rum = MADRIGALS!!!
Vanilla = HEAVEN??? SERIOUSLY WTF. Absolutely GORGEOUS idealized backyard with wisteria & peonies & impossibly tall trees
Peppermint = WB concerts, lights shows, more madrigals, general childhood Christmas-concert joy feeling

Remember Knife yesterday "there's such deep sadness inside of me"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0620

JADE MOVE OUT!

Mimic MURDERED FIVE ENTIRE WATER BOTTLES

SO MUCH LAUNDRY

5PM BK GEEZ

"The blind see, the deaf hear... the poor have the good news preacher to them." The poor lack EARTHLY POWER/ RICHES; but true power & spiritual wealth is perfected IN the Good News!! The poor are free to have ETERNAL riches, which the worldly wealthy often cannot, due to the love of money "choking the good seed"

John 5:37-43 HITS HARD

"The Stoics held that the highest kind of knowledge comes not by thought but by what they called "arresting impressions;" a conviction seizes a man like someone laying an arresting hand on his shoulder." = LAURIE.
"We're real, kid. And so is He. Heck, He's more Real than we are."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0621

In light of today's verse Phil 1:9-10 Knowledge & love of God abounding: devotional asked "remember when you first fell in love" I DON'T. I'M AFRAID TO FEEL LOVE. AND LAST NIGHT SHOWED WHY. CNC WITH INFI WAS PROOF. MY "LOVE" IS FREAKISH & WRONG. IT'S TOO INTENSE & INTIMATE. I CANNOT LOVE GOD LIKE THAT. I CANNOT LET MYSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT.
IDENTITY ISSUES MAKE THIS SO MUCH WORSE

1 John 1:9 = we struggle to see certain things AS SINS??? EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW THEYRE "NOT RIGHT" = such as gluttony & rage. WHY. Is it the passivity? The lack of conscious choice?

Praying to God the whole time we have binge triggers now. SO SO SO SCARED. there is NO acquiesce of the will UNLESS a lotophagoi takes over, or a kakofoni even, not sure where the line blurs exactly. lotophagoi are very hard to pinpoint.
but. the real point is that we DON'T WANT TO BINGE, EVER, ANYMORE. considering how that was our literal addiction for years, that is HUGE. THANK YOU GOD.
every time there's a lapse now, the whole time we are screaming and sobbing inside, begging God to help us because we can't stop on our own. it's TERRIFYING. but He DOES save us. somehow. every single time now-- with the awful exception of the Jademonth-- the whole struggle is over within an hour. it's amazing. i'm honestly staggered by this.

john 5:42 in today's study hits:
"(42) Ye have not the love of God.—The principle which excludes the seeking honour from men, is the love of God. They were, they said, jealous for God’s honour. The first precept of the Law, and the foundation of the Theocracy, was the love of God... They had [the Law] without, but they had not the principle within. There were sure marks which He had read in the heart as plain as the letters worn on the body, and therefore knew that they had not the love of God in them."
They were jealous FOR God's honor-- they too wanted to be honored AS such, via prideful religious exaltation; their "love of God" was a love of their APPLICATION of God? Moral prestige, societal superiority, political power, etc. They did not love God's PERSON, visible in CHRIST. They did not honor Him because that would mean relinquishing all the "proxy" honor THEY got as "experts of the Law"??? Again, focus on MAN'S RESPONSE TO THEIR RELIGION.


prismaticbleed: (Default)
0510

dream. (wed night)

DEATH. (from rosewindow) On porch. In a disguise, middle eastern girl, wearing dark red robes?
Told me I wasn’t going to die yet, but in a few years I would drown?
I said “is that a pun”
She gave me a glare? And said “believe me, everyone knows about you and him”?
Then she had to help two people pass on? Got out scythe, but said it wasn’t used how people think? Used it to “break open” the way for souls that were blind, or resistant, or lost? Like “snipping open” energy field to get in.
Then with both hands cupped she REACHED INTO THEIR RIBCAGES and brought out this large, round, glowing red sphere of light. Like how internal photos look when light is shined through bloodvessels. Numinous.
She said she changes appearances if needed, to match others viewpoints?
Switched to the violet skullface form I recognized as she said this. I remember she reached up to pull her hood back a bit? Saw her skullface. Had the impression that touching her “bones” felt like dry ice?


------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------


------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------


------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------


------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------

0524

HORRIFIC DREAM HACK

Couldn't sleep
Up at 7, then 11?
Said prayers in bed

BUCKFAST ABBEY

Mom call & visit
Hid scars
Orange glasses stress?

Kolbe shrine mass, Francis basilica homily

Exercise double down

Stsrted BK prep
Jade texts
Threw us into social mode
Miserable

Sat dien to eat at 4on
MOM CALL
Both of us Almost in tears from stress

Bk didn't cook right
So nauseous from nerves & religious worry

Mom kept calling
More and more stress

Gave up and just bingepurged
Shut down all consciousness for a while

Feeling so empty, especially religiously

------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------

0527

Woke up so tired
Phone calls again
Averaging 4-5 hours of sleep lately

Immediately exercised
Joyful mysteries and yuta bandoh
Exercise

"SHARONA" NAME INHERIT DISOWN
CAMILLE OR EVALYN???
PRAYED over it; it's SHAVONNE (SIOBHAN??)

Wondering what the heck happened to both ANNA & JOSEPHINA; one bad one good, both YELLOW & assumed dead
ALSO RAZWELL

Bloodlines vs BLOODBANKS???


"Would you abandon them? That would not make Me happy. There is no love in your heart when you make that decision, EITHER for Me or for them. You are running away from relationship in order to be faithful. It is a sad and fatal contradiction. Do you not realize what religion is?"

------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------

0528

Church

33 PHONE CALLS

Terrified of Memorial Day: too much sound, smells, movement, agitation
Mom saying we sound very autistic, consider getting tested

The "fairground" terrorsmell of evening heat & cigarette smoke TRIGGERS YELLOW
Those two scents separated TRIGGER DIFFERENTLY!!!

------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------

0530

Weird sleep. Sick & tossturn but dreamt??
Flat nightmares.
BUT!!! WRECKAGE & THE BLUECHILD??????

Did biking w music rosary
Pictures are distracting??? Cause intrusive thoughts
DVM easiest w no music, it's too chantlike for a bgm

CHURCH!!!!! ;______;
Wore teal glasses today

Exercise getting a bit easier!
WEIGHT DROP??

Wreckage taking pills
"Its fitting restitution for what I once did"
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

BK 230, very slowly
Tumblr panic

REBIRTH
More "Nicodemus" inspiration; what is this??
"aionios" = INFI RENAME???

Fought SO HARD not to purge

PAINTING
Shirts & blots
Music vibes: frost vs evev

DN 730
Its quiet. Were sitting here in air conditioning, as low light rivers kiss the trees gold, looking up at the moon. What unexpected peace. Thank You God for this.

Seriously going to cut down food portions again. Too much egg & vegetable bulk is causing nausea I'm sure

Minor bingepurge
Gotta be the eggs

Razor atoned
Feeling strangely closer than usual, but not fronting directly

Xenophon 05 points "everything is possible with God"

REVERSE SLC/CNC
OUR CHANCE TO RIGHT OUR WRONGS!!!
THIS IS A HUGE GRACE BOY DON’T MISS OUT

...
prismaticbleed: (angel)


0524

 




------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------


"However deep sinful feelings may go, the new love and life I have in Christ goes deeper still. Sin goes against the grain of my true self; therefore, pursuing Christ is the most “true to self” I can ever be."

"Do not regard this lesson of the Incarnation as a mere vague trust, a mere abstract speculation. It is a belief which affects our estimate of ourselves our conduct to others. There is not one degradation of our being which does not spring from lack of self-reverence, of reverence for beings whom Christ hath redeemed, to whom He has given a right to be children of God. The Incarnation teaches us that our part is in Christ, our bodies His temple, our nature His image, our hearts His shrine. He who regards himself as akin to the beasts that perish will live as they do. He who regards himself as an immortal being, partaker of the nature which Christ wore and Christ redeemed, will aim at a noble and godly life."

" ‘Thou art a Teacher sent from God.’ Ah, brethren, that will not do; it will not do for you and me! We want something a great deal deeper than that... [Jesus] said, ‘Ye must be born again,’ in order that [we] might lay to heart this, that we need something more than a Teacher, [we need] a Life-giver... What men want is not to be told the truth; they know it already. What they want is not to be told their duty; they know that too. What they want is some power that shall turn them clean round. And what each of us wants before we can see the Lord is that, if it may be, something shall lay hold of us, and utterly change our natures, and express from our hearts the black drop that lies there tainting everything. Now, this necessity is met in Jesus Christ... it is Christ’s work as Redeemer, Christ’s sacrifice on the Cross, Christ’s power as bringing to the world a new and holy life, and breathing it into all that trust in Him, which make the very centre of His work... if you want to understand Christ you must understand sin; and whoever thinks lightly of it will think meanly of Him... A true knowledge of myself as a sinful man, of my need of pardon, of my need of cleansing, of my need of a new nature, which must be given from above, and cannot be evolved from within, leads me, and I pray it may lead you, to cast yourself down before Him, with no complaisant words of intellectual recognition upon your lips, but with the old cry, ‘Lord! be merciful to me a sinner.’"
"Dear brethren, I bring that Cross to you now, and pray you to see there Christ’s real work for us, and for the world. He has taught us, but He has done more. He has not only spoken, He has died. He has not only shown us the path on which to walk, He has made it possible for us to walk in it. He is not merely one amongst the noble band that have guided and inspired and instructed humanity, but He stands alone-not a Teacher, but the Redeemer, ‘the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sins of the world.’"

"The true freedom is when, by the direction of our will, we change ‘must’ into ‘I delight to do Thy will.’ So we are set free from the bondage and burden of a law that is external, and is not loved, and are brought into the liberty of, for dear love’s sake, doing the will of the beloved... this freedom will bring with it the necessity for continual warfare against all that would limit and restrain it-namely, the passions and desires and inclinations of our baser or nobler, but godless, self. These are, as it were, deposed by the entrance of the new life. But it is a dangerous thing to keep dethroned and discrowned tyrants alive, and the best thing is to behead them, as well as to cast them from their throne. ‘If ye, through the Spirit, do put to death the deeds’ and inclinations and wills ‘of the flesh, ye shall live’; and if you do not, they will live and will kill you. So the freedom of the new life is a militant freedom, and we have to fight to maintain it... ‘the price of liberty is eternal vigilance,’ so we say about the new life of the Christian man- he is free only on condition that he keeps well under hatches the old tyrants, who are ever plotting and struggling to have dominion once again."


prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)



SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.





prismaticbleed: (angel)



Mikhail Nesterov: The Empty Tomb (1889)


I love the link of light between the flaming sword & the tiny candle. Both burn with hope and love.
And yes, through Christ-- Who is both the Crucified and the Risen One-- death is not the end! Through His Resurrection, the "worst thing", the end of earthly life itself, is not the last thing... which means that, once the worst is over, all we have left is joy.

When we live well– with our desire & goal being heaven alone– then death is a fulfillment of a life lived for Him, and an ending only of all struggle & hindrances to holiness. To one who lives for God, death is but the doorway to unending joy.


But when these things begin to come to pass, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is at hand.
(Luke 21:28)

 
I just read Luke 21 today, and that verse in this context is giving me chills. Here, Christ has died, and today, Christ is risen... but at a time only God knows, Christ will come again-- terrible, beautiful, with all the glory He both hid and held at the Cross.

Remember that, too, when you lift your head to look at Him upon it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Holy Saturday is a POWERFUL reminder that the silence of God does NOT mean the absence of God.

Even after His physical death, Christ was not gone– He did not abandon or forget us. So it is even now, in our own sufferings and yes, even our deaths. If you cannot hear His Voice from inside the tomb, do not fear– He has risen; and He will open every grave in due time. Until then, He is there with you, silent yet staying.
Holy Saturday is eerily quiet, but it is in that quiet that God paradoxically speaks. You just can’t hear Him with your ears. Today, listen– even now, as always, there is a hint of heaven in the air.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Holy Women Leaving the Sepulchre
Philip Galle––1587


How terrible that departure must have felt-- especially for His Mother! To leave Jesus there, cold and covered in blood... the utter heartache in this is tangible, made even more stark by the mundane background details... the men carrying the ladder away from the Cross, Joseph and Nicodemus unaware of the worst horrors, the City towering on the horizon just like any other day. The only thing markedly unusual is the empty Cross, soon to be removed as well. Business as usual.
But the women know the truth. Something great and awful has happened, and nothing is the same. And Mary, perhaps Mary alone, knows even more, that there is an even greater event coming. Still, she must leave Him until then, and no amount of hope, however actual, can erase her equally real agony.


The Pieta - Gaspero Bruschi


Oh this is stunning.

I honestly love artworks that show the angels mourning the dead Christ alongside Mary; it really hits home that all of heaven wept with us.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Harrowing of Hell (or 'Christ's Descent into Limbo') is my FAVORITE thing; it strikes me to the heart with unutterable joy.

Christ dies, goes down to the netherworld as all humans did until then, and the devil thinks he's got Him, game over! Except Christ has come carrying the battering ram (pun intended) of the Cross. Fearlessly and with incandescent purpose, He wrenches open the jaws of Hell and breaks through its prison bars, takes Adam & Eve by the hands, and marches with them and all the ancient Saints in blissful triumph right through the also-thrown-open gates of Heaven. He destroys death WITH death, because once He touched it with those Bloodied Hands, it changed-- transformed from a lethal weapon to an instrument of life. Satan was, indeed, bound and plundered, never to recover. It's glorious beyond words.

To think; while His Apostles and beloved friends were mourning and waiting, lost out in the cold before the Tomb, Jesus was wrecking Hell itself, and changing history by redeeming all that the ages had long held in hope.

THAT is the triumph we are celebrating even tonight, when the Tomb itself becomes flooded with light, emptied of all but promises fulfilled. At nightfall, weeping enters in, but with the dawn-- rejoicing, infinite and eternal!

Christ is not risen yet, but believe me, He is having a hell of a time until then.



Jesus is legit just stepping over the busted door, with Satan UNDER IT. 


Look at that exultant entrance! Look at the skulls and snakes crushed beneath His Pierced Feet! Look how every poor soul reaches to Him with every fiber of their being! 


VICTORY IS COMING!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(all image credit to the photographer)


Fountain.

Come to the Fountain-- see this overflow of grace, of life, of joy, of love! Yet what a shock we encounter; for it is still all His Blood. All of that beauteous promise is wrapped up in red. Yes, we can drink from the wellspring of salvation, indeed we must, but that infinite source is His Heart.

Can you-- will you-- stand so close? Why do you hesitate?

I'm struck to the core by how Christ is looking at her, clear agony in His gaunt Face and yet so tenderly, terribly compassionate even then. He seems almost imploring-- her fingers are stained with mercy but there is so much more to be had-- He bids her to drink, My child; take as much as you need; this is all for you, the one I love enough to die for.

He says that to all of us, there on the Cross.

Even now, we too are wrapped in red.



Compassion.

"If I, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you too must wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example: Just as I have done, you also must do... I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other." (John 13:14‭-‬15‭, ‬34 CEB)

We are His servants of love-- bound in joyful duty to Love Himself. Our every action is to be defined by this blissful mandate.

So then... why do we neglect compassion towards Him? Is He not in need, too? Has He not suffered more than we can imagine? Indeed, we must also love our Lord in the same way He loves us.

Wash His feet. Bind up His Wounds. Gently wipe the Blood from His Face, and kiss away His Tears of pain.

Do not be afraid of the Cross. It, too, is an act of compassion.



Tenderness for my wounded God.
 

His Crown is not of thorns, but of tenderness-- the true power of His Kingship hides in the kisses encircling His bleeding brow.



Tenderness for my wounded God.

There is such aching softness in this; one even forgets that Christ has just been crucified. Lying there in her arms, reclining on her lap, the Beloved One rests in His completed work and in the embrace of His own Beloved child.

The dawn breaks; the doves appear. Light shines in the darkness, and hope spreads wings of freedom over the weary world.

Spring sets its emerald promise like a jewel upon the trees. New life is coming... the Tree of Life has borne its fruit.

In the heart of it all, red wounds color a red woman, the hue of salvation echoed in the very sunrise. Tenderness so deep it aches has soaked into the very fabric of our souls, of reality itself.

There, together, is unending peace... unending joy... unending love. The pain lasts but a moment. With the dawn comes this.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


Jesus Washing the Feet of his Disciples

Albert Edelfelt⏤1898

The tenderness of Christ, and the tension of the Apostles, are amazingly tangible in this. Look at their hands!

Look at all the closed body language– how nervous they are, how sheepish they appear, strangely humbled by their Lord’s shocking humility, by this sudden mundane intimacy. Christ has never touched them so carefully before. Christ has never seen how dirty and pungent their calloused feet are. If they balked at revealing the filth of their soles, is it because they were now just as immediately aware of the far more malodorous sin on their souls?

Even so, there He is, meek and quiet and impossibly gentle, washing the dust of the wearisome road from between their toes, beneath their nails. It’s such a motherly action, far moreso than a servile one: yes, a servant will clean your feet, but only a mother will bathe you, washing away even your darkest fears with her knowing touch– and only a mother is allowed to be so purely intimate. Well… a mother or a lover.

“Unless I was you, you won’t belong to Me.” How much more depth that phrase holds, in such a light. What trust, what fidelity, what selfless love He gave them, and implored them to give in return! What sweet meekness, to serve others not as obligation, but as an honor– as a true joy! This is what it means to be His disciple, a child of His Kingdom. This is His example; this is the heart of God.



The Last Supper
, Jaume Huguet, ca. 1470

Judas’s shocking lack of a halo is almost unnoticeable at first, his hair blending in with Jesus’s robe– and with the wine, both cruel and chalice. His role as the betrayer links him to both the “cup of suffering” Jesus was about to drink, and the “outer garment” that was to be gambled away at His death… to blood and greed.

He reaches for the lamb, alone dipping his hand into the dish, his portion of bread the only one with a piece “cut off”. He is helping himself, not waiting to be fed by the Lord. Perhaps he fears he will not get “what he wants,” or as much as he desires… certainly that thought motivated his apostasy; he wanted an earthly kingdom, not a heavenly one. He sees this dead lamb and only thinks of eating it. His appetite is for the dead flesh, not the Living Bread.

There’s a cat at his feet. Medievally, they were often symbols of vice. Historian Damien Kemf says, “Unlike dogs, cats cannot be trained to be loyal and obedient; they will go to whoever gives them food… Their ability to see in the dark was often associated with heretics, who ignored the light of Christ and preferred to stay in darkness.” I daresay that, domesticated, the “roaring lion” is harder to hear or even suspect, but he still “prowls about, looks for someone to devour”…

I look at the dark robe shrouding our Lord and I just think, “and it was night.” Yet even that will be shed in time. Despite all, the light shines through. It is tragic, that Judas could not see it… ironically, his head is the only one bereft of gold.


scrunchie-face:

Losing my mind over the gospel of Luke being like “they wrapped his body in linen cloth and laid him in a tomb” after the beginning of the story being “they wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger”


Also, consider that the man who wrapped & buried Jesus’s body was named Joseph. At the beginning and the end, Mary and Jesus were with a Joseph. I wonder how she felt, if she knew his name.

But the name is also shared by the ancient Patriarch. The name in Hebrew holds meanings of “gathering together” and “harvesting”– with a core message of “feeding the hungry.” The first Joseph did that in Egypt, saving thousands from famine with the bread only he had. Mary’s husband Joseph did that with Christ, the Bread of Life, placed in the feeding-trough… and Joseph of Arimathea did that by placing Christ in the tomb, like planting the seed for the eternal life-giving harvest of the Resurrection.

Just… there’s so much. It’s wrenchingly beautiful.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They say, "sin wouldn't be so attractive if the wages were paid immediately."

A very bold, dangerous prayer is to ask for this-- even just a little. "God, when I am attracted by sin, show me immediately the true nature of it! Show me its ugliness; show me that it is not worth what I think it is!"

Be vigilant! Sin can only allure you if you are looking with worldly eyes; if you look through the lens of faith, its facade fails. God will give you that sight if you stay close to Him, your desires fixed on Him alone.

The wages of sin is death, and the more your life is spent abiding in the sweetness of Christ, the more clearly you will smell the opposing stench of death in every temptation to sin. Fear not! Stay close to Christ; He will guard you.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There are only two kinds of people: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, ‘All right, then, have it your way.’

— C.S. Lewis
 

I am genuinely terrified of ever hearing that statement from God. It's an immediate death sentence-- a clear testament to the fact that whatever "way" I might be insisting upon, it isn't God's Way.

The good news? If I-- if you-- ever hear Him say that, we can just as instantly stop and repent. We can respond, "wait, I have been foolish and ignorant; now that I clearly know You are not with me on that path, I forsake it. I do not want "my way" if it means going on without You. Please forgive me; have mercy, and lead me in Your Way instead."

God warns us, not to damn us, but to rescue us. He says these things to purposely shock us, to make us fearfully realize the grave nature of our rebellion, however blind it may be. God will not deny His mercy to anyone, if they sincerely seek it from Him with a contrite heart. He will never turn away a soul that returns to Him in truth, no matter how far they may have wandered before.

Practice saying "Thy Will be done." If you've never actually affirmed it before, do so now. Even if its feeble and afraid, hold it in your heart, and pray for the grace to day it ever more strongly, until it becomes part of every breath you take. Never give up. You do not want to be in that second group, and you never have to be. God doesn't want you lost, either. Take courage, and trust Him.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 


Spiritual desolation is terrifying; God feels utterly absent, distant, unreal; all memories of consolation become untranslatable or inaccessible. The heart becomes dry and hollow; prayer suffers, joy withers, peace disappears. How, then, can this profound numbing of the soul benefit us? How can such a chasm of emptiness possibly do us any good?

That’s what this quote clarifies. That’s the paradox. It doesn’t.

Desolation is the anaesthetic. That’s it’s true job. But God is the surgeon.

When we are desolate, we still know God is real; we still have faith burned into our being, even if we feel nothing, even if doubts and fears plague us nonstop. We hope against hope. We cling to what we cannot even sense anymore, and yet we cannot ever deny it outright. Even collapsed under the weight of our cross, we know Someone gave it to us for a Good Reason, and if that raw fact is ALL we have to go on as we hobble on to Calvary, then so be it; it is enough. It must be enough, if it is all we were given. God knows. We don’t. That’s the point.

We forget that we’re not the ones doing the work. When we are anesthetized, desolate, we cease striving after our own notions of success. We stop taking on more than our share, we abandon ambition, we no longer try to guess or even edit God’s plan for our life. We are like unruly yet beloved children, who genuinely want to help Him with the home repairs but keep losing the tools and touching all the wet paint… we don’t understand when He says “no,” even though He says it with love. We can’t quite grasp the truth of our “not knowing”– of our not even being able to know. We just want to help. Come on, Dad, let me plug in the wires. Let me hold the drill. It looks so easy! But pride is lurking, and ultimately the only way to humble our childish enthusiasm is to give us a time-out. Out of the room, away from Dad, unable to interfere. Out of love.

Soon enough, He will come and get us, and show us what beautiful work He has done… all for us! All within us! So we must doggedly hold on to faith, and hope, and charity, even if just with our feeble will– no feelings, no fervor, just a weak but honest resolution to not give up on God. Wait one more day. One more. One more. Keep waiting. Keep trusting. He remembers you, of course! He is working on you, remember? You’re just under anaesthetic for a while. The numbness is not permanent. Be patient, beloved. Carry the cross with gratitude. It is, truly, our only hope, even in this.

Transformation requires desolation. Remember that. So it was with Christ; so it must be with us.

Re-read the Archbishop’s words and take them deeply to heart. You need this understanding, this acceptance. Sometimes, for the greatest good of our souls, all we can do is let ourselves be put aside so God can do His work. This takes immense trust, and love, and humility. Tell God you are willing. Pray fervently for the grace. Then… well, “count backwards from 100”, as they say. Let God decide when to work. Do not impede Him, even in good will. Surrender to that sanctified numbness. And wait on the Lord.


“Never be afraid of your Bibles. If there is a text of Scripture you dare not meet, humble yourself till you can. If your creed and Scripture do not agree, cut your creed to pieces, but make it agree with this book. If there be anything in the church to which you belong which is contrary to the inspired word, leave that church.”

— Charles Spurgeon
 

This, right here, is the powerful heart of Christian living, the true fire of Charity.

The Bible contains many “hard sayings,” many difficult commands, and plenty of convicting truths. Being the Holy Book, it will inevitably point out our unholiness with piercing accuracy. Don’t run away. Don’t let pride make you hide! That Biblical cutting-down-to-size is what cuts out our sinful habits, if we humbly accept that we both need and deserve the process.

Likewise, some of your personal beliefs, opinions, preferences, ideas, etc., being formed by the world, will stand opposed or contrary– however minimally– to what it says in God’s Word. You may laugh this off as mistranslation or “outdated doctrine” or the like, trying to justify yourself and validate all your thoughts instead, forgetting that you are terribly fallible and prone to commit error every moment. When your viewpoint clashes with that of Scripture, you get off that high hill of yours and seek a different vantage point. When your own “book” of rules disagrees with the one Good Book, you tear your tome apart at the very spine. I use brutal language because we cannot be mincing or hesitant in these matters. There is One Truth that is God, and if we encounter opposition to it in ourselves, however “minor,” it is still a lie in the face of God and it must be removed and replaced.

Lastly, we live in the last days. The Church, though her heart is safeguarded as the Bride of Christ, nevertheless is maintained by thousands of human sons & daughters who maim their Lord’s teachings by their own errors, by gutless lies and social pride and moral laxity. Your local church is not exempt from this plague. You must keep your eyes & heart fixed on God’s Word, vigilant for any missteps or malice both within yourself and in your worship community, and like a devout soldier, always ready to defend your Lord’s honor and guard His Church from the enemy, the Liar. Be gentle but firm, courageous but meek, merciful but just– and start with yourself. Get the beam out of your own eye, by the grace of God! Only in true humble piety can you discern dangers in the church, which includes you. If you aren’t properly living as a sheep of His flock, you won’t recognize the impropriety of a wolf… and a true sheep knows their Master’s Voice: a Voice we learn to love through His Word.

Never be afraid of the Bible. Yes, it is full of fearful power, but that power is meant to save! Such is the nature of holiness. Its fire is meant to purify and enlighten! Every word within it has been given for Good. Trust in its heart, and read it constantly. Let it define your entire life, for when this life ends, only the soul who has loved God’s Word will know the Way to life eternal.





prismaticbleed: (angel)

When I am farthest away from everything else, I am nearest to God. When I feel abandoned and rejected by my family, and have no friends to turn to; when finances crash and my health fails and I see no way out; when facing my past is terrifying and facing my future reveals a void; when my own stupidity and weakness and sinfulness crushes me to near despairing… God is close to me. When I am hollowed out with grief, He fills me with His loving Presence. No matter what I suffer and lose on earth, God is my inheritance forever. He will never leave or betray me. He holds both my past and my future in His caring hands. When my heart is broken to pieces, then He can touch it most gently, putting it back together as precious art, with the gold of faith. When I crack under stress, His Light pours in through the shattered places, beams of hope through the darkness. When I weep, He promises me joy in Him, but He also gives me a bittersweet and beautiful joy in my tears, for He always, weeps with me. He never downplays my grief, or laughs it off, or says its no big deal. He cares, deeply and completely, to the point of feeling everything I feel. How else could He understand so sincerely? How else could He heal so thoroughly? How else could He love so totally? He heals my hurts but He shares them first. He bleeds with me. He carries my scars. He knows my suffering, and through it, He points me to the Cross– the sacred place where I am nearest to Him, where I am delivered from all discouragement, where my wrecked and weeping earthly body dies with Him… to be reborn new and joyous and free with Him, with the promise of eternal life… of eternal Love. My broken heart is a doorway inviting me to participate in Christ’s suffering just as He participates in mine– to come into His Passion where I will learn compassion, mirroring His own pierced Heart on the Cross, pouring out mercy and empathy for all the aching hearts who seek refuge in His. Let my pain, too, then, bring me to Him. Let it all be blessed. Let me throw my arms around this Cross on which we both hang in hope between heaven and earth. The Lord is close, closest to me then.

(Reflection on Psalm 34:18)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are struggling with addiction relapses, do not despair, beloved! Although such setbacks are crushing, they are not fatal, if you hold courageously to hope in God’s power to save. He will fight for you.

It might take time. I know; I have been there in the pit too. But keep praying. Keep trusting God’s timing and care, that He WILL vanquish the addiction at the proper time. Until then, keep your heart and mind grounded in hope. Prepare for His victory. It will come.

You have fallen, yes, but Christ fell under the Cross too. He understands; He knows exactly how it feels, and how to help you stand again.

Addiction is illness; it is not truth. You are not, and cannot, be defined by it. God will restore you; it is inevitable. He is the Divine Physician. Your wounded soul will be healed. Just keep asking Him. Persistence shows dogged faith, and such faith is powerful. It brings miracles from His Hand.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Spiritual warfare becomes brutal on holy days; the devil refuses to give God any allowance. As holiness increases, so does suffering. Remember this! Be vigilant and watchful in prayer, fasting, and almsgiving-- this Lent and always. Your only preparation for such demonic ambushes is closeness with God, an intimacy which you cannot achieve if you are instead wrapped up in the world. So pray always. Be humble, mortify the passions, and do works of mercy, however small but sincere. You will still be attacked. Christ was, too. Satan will war against God's children until the end of the age; we must never seek to be excluded from that paradoxical honor of suffering for Christ. But we must also never try to fight without Him.

On those holy days, when trials and temptations increase, cry out to God! Run to Him and pray for His merciful grace-- for the armor of God! He will give it to you. He will dress you in it. Then fight with prayer, humility, and courage, trusting only in God, Who alone can deliver. Even if you stumble, God will catch you, and help you up. You may still bleed, and weep, and struggle bravely, but you will not be destroyed, for You belong to Him and He will save you.

Maybe you won't grasp just how much God has saved you from until the "war is over," and He calls you home. But He does give grace, in every battle until then, if you pray for it & open your heart to receive it. He will come to you and help you.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you-- not because of your resistance, for he could crush you in a moment-- but because now he sees Christ the Conqueror-- your victorious King-- standing beside his trusting child, and all hell is utterly powerless before Him.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

petitefleuriste:

Thank You Lord, for not answering any of my ignorant prayers.

He does answer them, though.

Not a single prayer goes unheard or unanswered. God does not snub us, even in our ignorance. He loves us enough to always respond with compassion.

He says “No, my beloved child, I cannot give you that. You do not understand what you are asking. But I do. You beg for stones that sparkle but do not satisfy. Instead, I will give you bread. I will give you what is far better, far sweeter, far more beautiful than anything you are even able to ask for right now. Trust Me in this refusal. It is a redirection. I will give you exactly what your yearning soul needs.”


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sigrid Blomberg, The Annunciation, 1899

This is gorgeous.

I adore the position of her hands-- she is essentially exposing her heart to God. She has "removed the veil" for the Lord to enter her inmost sanctuary, and for Her to also enter into such intimacy with Him; God's Presence shall now dwell in Her as His Tabernacle, and take on His own "veil" of humanity there (Hebrews 10:20). Long before the Crucifixion occurred in time, the Body of Christ-- the "veil" through which we enter God's Presence-- opened that sacred door to and through Mary, His Mother, from whom His very Body and Blood would be born. She is the "Portal of the Sky"; the first gateway from heaven to earth.

And her face... what total trust, what peace, what ecstasy, what love for God! This is the moment she says 'YES' to the divine Incarnation, the moment that changed human history forever. There is something utterly timeless in her expression; something eternal in that serene bliss. That, too, is a glimpse of Heaven.

Her left foot is uncovered. I think of Exodus 3:5 and Isaiah 52:7-- where she kneels is holy ground, she who is to there become the Bringer of the Good News. It may also be a play on words... she has "bared her soul/sole" before God. Lastly, if I may be so symbolic... In Hebraic thought, the right represents the spiritual and the left represents the physical. In my thoughts here, for her left foot to be uncovered-- even unveiled-- speaks of humility and humanity, of what is spiritual becoming physical; of God Himself gaining feet so as to walk with us, to become so shockingly human. God Himself will trod the earth, will be the Good News, will take on our dust without becoming it-- will turn that dust to gold. And Mary's foot is there, pure and naked, crushing the serpent's head forever.

I have a lot of feelings about this artwork; it truly touches my heart. God bless the sculptor; may her soul rest in peace.

Mary, Mother of Christ, Handmaiden of God, pray for us your children, those your Son was born to save. We love you.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


lauramakabresku:

Shelter

There are not only sparrows at His feet, but also a woodpecker, and both are tenderly touching His Wounded Feet with their tiny beaks. How they worship in their own small ways! How profound and pure is that worship! The bird that eats from holes it bores into trees, now finds food everlasting in the nail-holes from the Tree of the Cross. The bird that is deemed the least of all, offered as a poor man’s sacrifice, finds an understanding Heart through proof of Blood spilled to redeem the most impoverished and despised souls.

The Lamb embraces a lamb, innocent and unblemished, despite the single red stain on its hip joint– the sciatic nerve, which allows the body to stand upright; the place touched by an angel, a touch that both wounds the body and heals the soul. There, this little lamb is a testament to both the weakness of creation and the power of God– blessed by a curse, purified by what was thought to be impure, given life through death, and triumph through defeat. It carries blemish to the eyes of man but in the eyes of God it is faultless. So is the Lamb. And so are we, if, although we wrestle sorely with His Cross we refuse to let go, for God alone is victorious, and in surrendering to His glory in our defeat we are given a new name, a new purpose, a new life, yet carrying the scars as He did. Grace is given, not won, and it is only when we are humbled by the Lord that He can lift us up in truth. We are blessed with Blood, clothed in spotless white, yet always holding that salvific red, the holy humiliation that kills all perfect pride.

Christ holds us all in His caring embrace, and yet those very Hands and Feet speak of the suffering He endured through the same motive. It was for Love that He died; it was through Love that He rose again. His wounds sing of that Love always, and invite us into His very self– the Source of all Sweetness, the Tree of Eternal Life, the One Who kisses the fragile head of every sparrow. When they fall, He picks them up tenderly; when they die, He weeps. So He does with us. What holy pain unbearable, to see our sinful agony! How much more would He tend for our broken bodies if He so loves the sparrows– indeed, He was moved to destroy death itself. Thus it was that Christ died in our place… He let Himself be pierced through, falling to the ground, so that by the power of His healing grace, every tiny soul can fly again.

In His Wounds, the weary soul finds perfect rest. In His Heart, all find a home.

The animals recognize the Love in His Wounds and they adore. Through the Holy Spirit, the tiny bird singing in our hearts even now, let us do the same.



Don't leave me alone, a fugitive. I want your hands
To carry my heart. I long for the bread of your voice,
I long for everything. I long for myself... I long for you.


Mahmoud Darwish, Give Birth to Me Again That I May Know (tr. Abdullah al-Udhari)
 

 
 

Praying love poems to Jesus...

I think I've prayed the exact soul of this poem so many times, especially when my packed schedule keeps me from attending Mass, or when I am slumped against a doorframe at 3am.

Don't abandon me to this isolating darkness. Carry my heart when it is so heavy with blood, saturated with tears. Let me recieve You-- let me hear Your Word, let me touch You, taste You, be with You.

I long for everything. I can only exist within You.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Sometimes you really do need to get dreadfully lost in order to find what is of true meaning in life. The false "world" we are tangled in, the daily grind of man-made society-- out at sea, does it matter? No. Then what does? What persists, but what is untouched by man-- what exists despite human plans? Out in the waves, who are you? What speaks in your mind, your heart, your soul? That is the most important. Out there, it is just you, and God.

Matthew 14:25. Perhaps we're not the ones doing the finding. Perhaps we need to lose "everything" to be found by Everything.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There is something about sunsets over the sea that pulls at my heart. They’re so different than my familiar mountain sunsets– brighter, clearer, wider somehow. They feel like the closing credits of a movie, full of joyful promise of the future unseen, but aching bittersweet with the fact of an ending. Perhaps its the water, the ocean infinite, reflecting the glowing sky into greater endless light. But it’s beautiful. It is the paradoxical comfort of feeling at home on the open waves– a sense of deep reassurance despite having nowhere to call your own… nowhere but the sea, the sky.

All those boats. All those little travels. And those cats, wanderers at heart. How lovely, how tender it all is.

I think about how Christ lived in a little fishing village, too. He watched these sunsets with joy untold– He, Who sang them into existence before any human drew breath.

I wonder if the sunsets remember that every evening.



Just step outdoors, see the light on the hills, the stars at night-- that's enough.

-Anaïs Nin, from “The diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. 3: 1939-1944”

 

 

The fragile and grandiose beauty of this… it makes me weep.

Just… it’s enough. Lift up your eyes, lift up your hope. Breathe it in. Whatever wound is tormenting your poor heart tonight, it can be soothed, it can be hummed to sleep by the loving stars, by the light, by the gentle and ancient hills.

God is there in it all, the soul knows. We feel the brush of His fingertips in the night breeze. It is enough. It is, forever, enough.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Deep in our hearts we all were made for this blessed freedom-- for the open sky, the endless road, the rolling hills, the calling sea. All of our most beloved clichés exist because they speak to an intrinsic longing, a global truth, a sort of mutual human need for something greater than the daily grind. We know in our bones that the world spins on regardless of our little schemes, our businesses and finances and societies and cities. It's all temporary, unreal at best, serving a fleeting purpose then returning to conceptual dust. But the green of springtime endures. The blue of the heavens endures. And as long as the beat of our hearts endures as well, they will never stop reaching out to us, waiting for us to reach back, calling us home.

God knit all things together in love, in harmony, in beautiful cooperation. We are meant to live in Creation with every enthusiastic ounce of joy it elicits from our soul. We are meant to share in the absolute Divine bliss that shaped cosmos out of chaos and fashioned atoms into apple trees and alligators and Adam himself. We are meant to recognize and embrace and embody the Love that breathed us into individual being, and to give thanks with every breath, and to love every other blessed thing on earth in return. God is love, and in the end and in the beginning, that's all we ever really want, all we ever really look for in life, all we ever really need.

It is in that Love that we find our freedom, and we feel it with a heart-aching conviction every once in a blessed while, under the sky, with grass beneath bare feet.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I just love people so much, honestly I do; every soul is infinitely precious and loved by God and really, you can't help but love every soul in gracious resonance with that.

Sitting in airports, heart bursting with affection for everyone who walks by, traversing that bittersweetly beautiful interspace between each personal story of here and there... driving home at night and getting indigo-hued glimpses into sweet simple life through lamplit windows... striking up tiny yet treasured conversations with passerby folks in grocery stores and doctors offices and churches, the temporalily shared lives of strangers intersecting for an unexpectedly intimate minute... all of this and so much more.

It's beautiful. People are beautiful. God loves us, loves them, loves you. Love people for God's sake. We're all priceless fragile things.

Our bodies are indeed temples of God. So remember that when you meet another soul. Everyday life is holy because of this. Love God through love of neighbor. Little moments comprise our lives. Make every one a prayer.



“The black sky was underpinned with long silver streaks that looked like scaffolding and depth on depth behind it were thousands of stars that all seemed to be moving very slowly as if they were about some vast construction work that involved the whole order of the universe and would take all time to complete. No one was paying any attention to the sky.”

Wise Blood Flannery O'Connor
 

 

This both breaks my heart and moves me to tears. Just… this is every moment of our lives, do you realize that? God is perpetually working and moving in His Creation and the sky is always a gorgeous construction of infinite delicate complexity and how often do we really pay attention to it? All of this holy grandeur and we don’t even notice. It’s a Divine Love song that’s always being sung and we don’t even hear it. It’s heartbreaking and yet, it’s such an unbearably beautiful truth– for when we do finally take notice, we are staggered by the thought: how long have I been ignorant of this? How much sky have I failed to pay attention to?

But it’s there nevertheless. No one is looking but it exists in magnificent mystery nevertheless. God is looking and singing and loving and that is enough. And there’s something profoundly hopeful about that: to know that our failures cannot damage or diminish that glory in the slightest. But at the same time, God waits for it to be noticed. He waits, with a similar sorrowful joy, for His creations to notice… and, by finally looking and listening, join in His eternal love song.


Every life leaves an impression. We are God’s fingerprints.

-Noah benShea

 

Thinking deeply about this. “Christ has no body now but yours, no hands but yours…” God continues to tangibly touch our lives through other lives. We’re all His children; we all exist because of Him, for Him, through Him. So when we touch another life, God inevitably touches them through us, however faintly. But are you letting His fingerprints be felt? Or are your own hands too dirty? What impression are you leaving– the pure love of the Father, or the sin-stained fumbling of your own mortality? How much do your own hands get in the way of His? Reflect on this.

 

sunflorally: repeat after me: my body is not wrong, or ugly, or too thin, or too big, or too pale, or too dark. it is the vessel of a precious life and that is always more than enough.

 

The very words “my body” still feel ugly and sick and wrong. The very concept of “my” is still poisoned with a deeply hidden, lingering self-loathing, injected by the abusive nightmares that made the word “body” sound like a torture chamber. The two words together are still so terrifying they make my emotions shut right down, unable to cope with what would surface otherwise.

It shocks me that, despite all the healing I have done and am still actively doing, this ancient horror still hasn’t faded. The wound won’t close, let alone scab or scar. I know I still believe the trauma lies somewhere and until I don’t, I’ll keep bleeding. But it’s very hard. Nevertheless, I know it must be done.

…The other thing that struck me about this is the phrase, “a precious life.” Me? My life is precious? It sounds utterly impossible, incredible, ridiculous. I can’t take it seriously; the very concept is beyond respect. My life is not precious… except, I’m a Catholic. And if there’s one thing I find super hard to believe, it’s the FACT that Jesus Christ has declared my wretched stupid life to be so precious that He chose to DIE a bloody death in order to save it from destruction. That’s a FACT that I cannot dispute. I can only look at it in helpless sobbing confused frustrated wonder, my bitter self-hatred faltering in the shadow of the Cross. It’s the only place I can learn how to love. It’s the only place I can learn how to finally accept that my life is, bewilderingly, actually precious… that my cursed “body” is also something Christ wants to bless and save and heal… that the possibility of both those profound changes in mindset are not only possible but already achieved in Him.

Yes, I’m still mentally sick in a lot of ways. I will shamefully admit that. But Jesus came into this world to heal sick souls like me, and if I have faith in that truth with all my heart, then I have a hope that cannot fail. And I’ll hold on to that, and keep re-reading this little message, until I believe its simple but pure truth, too.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



"God will not numb your feelings or put you to sleep"-- how did I never realize that truth before?? When I am tempted by self-loathing to just give up and fall into that abyss, when I just want to rip my arms and legs and stomach wide open red, can I just... wait? Can I choose that terrifically difficult yet powerful virtue of faith instead? Can I choose hope? Can I choose patience, and gentleness, and longsuffering?

Can I rest in the knowledge that God is greater, that God is still Good, that He is forever victorious over every sin and struggle? Can I acknowledge that peace and rest in it? Can I surrender that totally? Can I beg for mercy from Mercy Himself instead of mercilessly attacking myself? Can I ignore the screaming rage of my head and instead sit in total silence before Him?

Yes, by His Grace, I can. And I must, or my poor soul will die.

Return to Christ. He will not abandon you. I need to remember that... I need to believe that. God is not like people. Jesus will not hurt me. Jesus will not suddenly decide that I'm not worth loving anymore. Jesus does not have a cold shoulder or a hard heart. Jesus loves me and forgives me and wants me to be healed and He is waiting for me. God is Love and that cannot change, no matter how evil I fear I am, no matter how badly I feel I deserve to die. God still wants to defeat those devils and bring me home.

Just wait for Him. Even if it takes time. God hears. God knows. God is working for you right now, and He is on His way. Wait for Him. He will be here, at the perfect time.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



That single duck is what hits me about this. It’s just living, just swimming in total innocent simplicity, beneath this absolute breathtaking grandeur of snow and trees and soaring mountains.

And then there’s that tiny home, nestled in the frozen pines, built by the hands of a human who was almost definitely deeply humbled at the sight of that same natural majesty.

We have been blessed with the intelligence to feel awe, to contemplate our smallness, to be struck to the heart by beauty such as this. The duck may be blessed to live effortlessly beside it, but it cannot appreciate it as we can, we who may only get to see it in photos, and who seek and treasure such glimpses with joy.

The world is beautiful. Always take the time to truly see it, and so sincerely thank God for both it, and your blessed eyes.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Choose your own adventure, they say. Yet I never felt I had a choice, in the way the pathway of my life progressed. Little did I realize there is always a choice, even if the options are miserable, even if hope is minimal, even if the choosing itself is uninformed and rushed and afraid and instinctive. There’s still choice.

And, well, now that I am aware of this, then I choose this. I choose recovery, I choose healing, I choose joy and light and life and hope and love. Wherever I find it, wherever I can follow its sunlit footsteps, I shall do so. I will make those tiny choices and they will add up into a march of blazing beauty that will utterly overcome every shadow that haunted my past.

The terror may be ancient, but it is still just a shade. This too shall pass, no exceptions. Love is the only truth and if it’s not love then it’s going to melt into dust and be forgotten in the waves of compassionate bliss that the universe itself radiates with every heartbeat, on and on and on. I will step into that sea of hope, I will wade into the depths of tenderness, I will walk into the very ocean with a smile on my face and let it wash away everything that held me shackled far from shore.

God’s got me in His hands. He’s calling me home. Our Lady has crushed the snake beneath her heel and Our Lord has proclaimed Himself to be the Omega as well as the Alpha and no matter what came before, this is the turning of the page, this is the renewal of my soul, this is unconditional love and eternal hope proclaiming “It Is Finished” to the sins of the past, and all the trauma and horror they brought. God hung all of those on a tree and opened the garden gate to a new life that we could never have imagined before.

I choose that. I choose love. I choose the ending, and I embrace the beginning again. I choose to come home.



"Do we not try to find good, tangible security in observances, in the reassuring feeling that, thanks to our fidelity, everything is in order in our relationship with the Lord? And when Jesus asks us one day to count on him alone, without telling us in advance what he is going to ask of us, and without explaining to us where he wants us to go, we tremble." (A Carthusian)


This hits hard. To rely so completely on the faithfulness of Christ that you no longer need "tangible proofs" to believe in His trustworthiness... that is walking by faith, not by sight-- that is the true road of the Cross. But it's a step into darkness, and that frightens us-- at least, unless we remember that we are following the Light Himself.

God is never obligated to reveal His ways or plans to us. He owes us no clarification, no explanation. Humility accepts this. Humility makes us recognize our unworthiness to know such divine things, let alone demand them. God doesn't have to tell us anything. But He does. He does comfort and guide and reassure us; He knows our weakness and He soothes us, leads us with the utmost tenderness, His little children. But children grow. And the day will come when He will suddenly step back, tell us to do something, and leave it at that. No explanation. No preparation. No understanding on our part. Will we still trust in Him, then? Will we remember how trustworthy and faithful He has always been, going forwards now with no immediate or tangible reminder of it? Will we surrender to our love for Him and walk with blindfold on, with road shrouded in fog, with shadows setting in? Will we step forward in faith alone, believing with all our heart that Our Savior will never lead us astray? That He will never abandon us, even if the new journey is long and cold and lonely? Will we hold on to faith?

It will happen. It will frighten us, as humans, as children. Deep down, we are afraid of the unknown. We are scared of the dark. But remember, dear hearts, remember that He is trustworthy and He knows where and why you are going. You can count on Him. You can count on Jesus even when, and especially when, there is no one and nothing else to rely on.

Have faith. Even if it's only a mustard seed. Plant it in love, and wait. It will grow in God's time, even if you can't see or sense anything until suddenly... it sprouts. It dies in the dark, to live in the light. So shall you.

Have faith in God, Who is real and trustworthy. Have hope in His faithfulness when we can't see it yet. Have love for God, Who IS Love, Who loves you endlessly, and Who will strengthen you for all that He leads you to... and through.

Plant faith, and trust Him, and do whatever He tells you.

 

godmechanic:

actually a little embarrassing how well the “omg surprise psalm today!” thing works

Oh man I have wept at how relevant the Compline psalms are some nights. It’s unreal.

I have the Universalis app, which I love, as it allows me to play the audio for each hour, which is indispensable when I have severe brain fog and/or poor cognition and cannot read. I always listen to Lauds & the Office of Readings as I start my day schedule, and the “surprise” at what Psalms I will hear then (and in the other variant places in the Office) is both a source of deeply interested joy, and of unfailingly edifying application to my life. God just… knows, man. Even though millions of folks are praying the exact same words, they are specially & specifically significant to each soul. It’s wonderful, even when it’s convicting. God loves us in all circumstances.

It’s not embarrassing, love; it’s genuinely heartwarming to hear that you have such experiences with it too.


 

godmechanic:

we like to forget how hard psalm 42 hits. but i am just here to remind everybody that it hits

fellas is your soul is athirst for God? athirst for the living God? have your tears have been your meat day and night? do you wonder why your soul is so full of heaviness and disquieted within you? boy do i have a psalm for you

Psalm 42 legitimately saved my life a decade ago. It’s been burned into the fibers of my heart since then. It is a beautiful, aching Psalm, a raw and sincere prayer wrenched from the very core. I love it dearly and pray it frequently; it never fails to bring tears to my eyes.


To justify my neighbor’s suffering is a scandal. “My neighbor’s suffering is beyond justification; it is, in a word, meaningless.” Referring to Levinas, Batnitzky writes, “The Jewish tradition often maintains a difficult balancing act when it affirms both the theological and ethical value of suffering for others, while denying the necessity of suffering itself.” One cannot justify suffering. Thus an end to all theodicy, and “to all attempts, theological or otherwise, to justify suffering.”

Michael Purcell, “When God Hides His Face: The Inexperience of God”, The Experience of God: A Postmodern Response, ed. Kevin Hart and Barbara E. Wall
 

(Disclaimer: I am a Catholic, and so my reflection on this is within that context. I give all grateful respect to the Jewish perspective here, as it is the notable inspiration for my response.)

This hits me where it hurts. I’ve been raised to always justify suffering, which ultimately hardens one’s heart and makes one’s hands cold– if you believe that suffering is “deserved,” you smother compassion, and do nothing to relieve that suffering. Instead you say, “it builds character,” or “you’ll learn and grow from this,” or “well you must’ve brought this on yourself,” or just “offer it up,” without making a move to comfort them or care for them or remove the suffering altogether. Yes, suffering can teach, it can help us grow in virtue, it can have redemptive merit, but not inherently. Suffering in and of itself is just suffering. It’s the result of a fallen human nature and the inevitable consequences of sin=death, but sin is unnatural and suffering is therefore unnecessary. Yet it persists, in this life. Yes, this life is not all there is, but that shouldn’t cause complacency!! We can either sit there and shrug at people’s pain, or we can stand up and refuse to let it have its way. We can fight it. We should fight it. I say this because God fights it too.

God mandates compassion. God insists we care for our fellow man and relieve their suffering. As a Christian, I think of how Jesus healed so many who were ill, how he told parables of radical love, how He never said “you get what you deserve” to a suffering soul. No. Christ came to us as a healer, as a lover, as an instrument of mercy, Who literally died on a Cross that He could never deserve in order to destroy ALL human judgment of anyone “deserving” suffering like that. He took it all. Yes, all have sinned, and so suffering exists through sin, but God alone judges, and if I may be so bold, I say that HE deems suffering as absolutely unnecessary too. Sin is unnatural, remember? He didn’t create it! He doesn’t want it! He “takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked man” (Ezekiel 18:33 & 23:11)! He wants us to have life, abundant life, in direct opposition to sin’s destructiveness (John 10:10). So Christ took every “deserved” pain onto Himself and now we must act on that grace of mercy. No one has to die or be destroyed. No one “deserves to die.” He sure didn’t. But He did die, taking the place of everyone who was ever judged as deserving it, so now we can never speak those words about anyone.

Take up your cross, yes, because suffering is inevitable in this life, but carry it knowing that through uniting it to Christ’s love, it now holds the weight of the sins of the world. When we bear our own crosses, we don’t abandon others to theirs! We’re not in this alone; Christ didn’t carry His “own” in the first place! He carried ours, so now we carry everyone’s crosses together. We are Simon and Veronica and Magdalene and Mary and Christ to each other. We live in hope of eternal life, where all pain ceases, and so until then, we reflect that hope to others as often as we can– we must manifest it. How can you hope for what you cannot comprehend? How can you yearn for relief if you don’t know it’s a possibility? We must give that hope and sustain it. We must make hope real, through real love, and real faith. Only then is suffering bearable– only then does our awareness of its meaninglessness become a strange sort of joy. Yes, it’s unnecessary. But therefore, it’s not forever, and until then, there are people acting as angels to make that truth absolutely tangible.

I hope this makes sense; it’s hard to put into proper words. But it struck me to the heart, that quote, especially as my life is saturated with suffering right now and my old ugly instinct is to just say “it’s deserved; let it be”. No. That is not God’s way. God hears the cry of the poor and lame and sick and sorrowful and hungry and frightened and lost, and when God hears HE ACTS. That is how we must live, or we are not His children. That is what we must do, or we are not disciples of Christ. We must bind up the broken, bandage the wounded, wipe away the blood and sweat and tears and spit and everything else. Compassionate works must be our only response to suffering. I don’t care what they’ve done. That’s not my concern. My job is to love.

Suffering is unnecessary, because we’ve been commanded to heal it.



"We will recognize that, whether we like it or not, what happens happens; to be upset about it is useless, and moreover deprives us of the crown of patience and shows us to be in revolt against the will of God."
- Saint Peter of Damaskos

This is a powerful truth. If we do not perpetually pray, "Thy Will be done," we will instead seek our own will, which is stunted by ignorance and corrupted by passions. Resistance to our God-given circumstances, because they don't match our plans or hopes or wants or dreams or expectations, is at its deepest root a rebellion-- however small, it is still ultimately fatal-- against God's authority and wisdom. Patience is a fruit of love, and love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. When we love God, we have the courage to say, "May it be done to me according to Your word," and whatever "it" is, we embrace it as coming from His heart out of love for us. To reject that ultimate divine motivation is to blind ourselves to the blessings He constantly showers upon us, especially in the paradox of the Cross: "The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God." (1 Corinthians 4:18) It is only through Christ's loving obedience in submitting patiently to the Cross that He was able to win our salvation; we must follow Him in that exact respect to obtain that new and eternal life. Such radical surrender to God's will in all circumstances-- that absolute relinquishment of control and even understanding-- is madness to those who live for this world alone. They have no hope of eternal joy with God, and therefore no reason to patiently endure suffering, let alone choose it for the sake of Christ. But we do, whether we "like it or not", because we're not motivated by "like", only love. And love counts it all as joy.

Some further illustrations from Scripture:

"We must not put Christ to the test... nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer... No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:9-10, 13)

"...We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5)

"The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind of the flesh is hostile to God: It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the flesh cannot please God." (Romans 8:6-8)

"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead... [but] many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven." (Philippians 3:10-11, 18-20)

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." (James 4:7-8)

"...You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”" (James 4:14-15)

"And He said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." (Luke 9:23-24)

"For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of Him who sent me." (John 6:38)

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God... The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. " (1 Peter 4:1-3, 7)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. " (Romans 8:28)

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit." (1 Corinthians 5:16-19)

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing... God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:1-4, 12)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A personal expositional summary of how this slammed into me:

“…God shouts to [you] in [your] pain [as] it insists on being [heard and] attended to. [This is because pain is sanctified in the life of a faithful Christian, playing a great purpose: every instance of your suffering] fits into a pattern for good, [as God is using it to confirm you to the image of] His Son. [Therefore, take courage and know that] nothing [painful] can come into your life without your Heavenly Father’s permission, [and when] God uses [your] circumstances, their source makes no difference to Him; [their instigator, be it human or spirit,] is irrelevant. [In every distressing circumstance, without exception,] God [says,] "I will make it fit into My Plan for your life, to make you like [my Son,] Jesus Christ.” [Remember that] God used the challenges, conflicts, and circumstances of life to prepare His Son for His destiny, [so since you are a disciple of His Son, He will] do the same in [your life, towards the same blessed end. If you remember this in your fear, then] instead of trying to escape your circumstances, [you can courageously] learn from them and [so] grow stronger [in faith by more closely imitating Christ].“

This is powerfully applicable to my own current circumstances. Thank you OP, and may God bless you. 🙏


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Honestly this is a vital reminder, especially for Lent. Repentance is repeatedly mandated by Christ, yes, but it is no heavy burden-- rather, it removes those weights from our hearts! The idea of being "ordered to do something objectively beneficial" may seem totally foreign to many of us Catholics, who are used to the negative "Thou Shalt Not's" that are probably haunting us during these 40 days. But repentance is wholly good for us. It, and those commandments it encompasses, only sound scary because they sharply bring to mind all the ways in which we've failed to avoid sin. But at their very core, they are meant to heal and help us.

Nevertheless, yes, it might absolutely be terrifying to examine one's conscience, just like preparing to clean out a coal cellar for the first time in years-- the amount of filth facing you may be overwhelming. But here's the thing... you don't have to clean it. You just have to point out that dirt to Jesus, specifically and honestly, and He will immediately and absolutely purify even the most rotten corners of your soul. For free. As often as you need.

Can you imagine, calling a plumber to drain your flooded basement and unclog the festering pipes, but not an hour after he leaves, you stuff them full of garbage again? And you call him back in a panic in the middle of the night? And he comes right over and fixes it all again? With a genuine smile? And doesn't charge anything? And this happens at least once a week, if not every day?

That's the staggering magnitude of forgiveness God offers to every repentant soul. That's the Sacrament of Confession!

We forget that we can repent whenever. Literally whenever, wherever, whoever you are, whatever you've done. Yet we are afraid to call the plumber even though we already did 458 times and not once has He ever complained or hung up. We are afraid He's going to lose His temper and charge us a fortune or leave us helpless with dammed-up pipes and sewage up to our waist... we're terrified of hearing "why??" or "how??" because our shame would choke and drown us more than all the black water in the world ever could.

But it has never happened, and it will never happen, so why don't you pick up the phone and give Him a call?


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

Anonymous asked,
I always wonder why god made dinosaurs and if they had a relationship to god or if animals feel god’s presence.. what do you think?

iscariotapologist:

i think god probably made dinosaurs because they were sick as hell. actually though i’m not really aware of any dinosaur….theology? theology about dinosaurs? although i would CERTAINLY like to be. i do think there are relationships between god and animals, although they are necessarily going to be different than ours.
 


I always like to think about how the first two kinds of creatures God created in Genesis are birds & fish. Birds are the avian descendants of dinosaurs, and they are technically reptiles. Genesis’s “birds” could very well be referring to dinosaurs, in that roundabout respect. Plus, jawless fish were the first vertebrates to evolve, period. So the timeframe is accurate! (Mammals showed up a day later, haha.)

I was actually just thinking today about God’s relationship to animals. While they do not have a “living soul” like a human does (Gen 1:26; 2:7), they still have life and consciousness, which are from God. I believe that, by simple virtue of existence, every created thing yearns for God and can feel Him on some level. Only humans can know God, but I hope it’s theologically legitimate to say that nevertheless animals can still sense Him.

Scripture itself references animals “sensing God” notably in Ezekiel 38:20, implies it in Psalm 145:21, and of course we have Balaam’s dear donkey in Numbers 22. If we want to stretch the interpretation, we have even the donkeys that carried Jesus Himself in Matthew 21, and the one(s?) that carried the Holy Family to and from Bethlehem when they were fleeing Herod in Matthew 2… Noah’s dove, Elijah’s ravens, Jonah’s whale, Daniel’s lions… God works through animals a lot, so they must be spiritually receptive to Him, if they are so readily responsive to His influence. (God help us to be so obedient, too!)

Furthermore, there are so many common stories of both little children and animals apparently perceiving and reacting to ‘presences’ unseen by adults, potentially angels, for all we know– plus we must include all the Christian folktales of donkeys and lambs and even spiders at the Manger, all recognizing and adoring the Christ Child. Blessed Anne Catherine Emmerich even speaks of “gladness throughout all nature,” with the animals being “joyfully agitated” at both Christ’s birth and Mary’s birth. We have Saint Roche’s dog, Saint Columba’s horse, Saint Jerome’s lion, Saint Ciaran’s boar, Saint Francis’s wolf… and my arguable favorite, Saint Anthony’s mule. Just as animals fear those with malicious hearts, they respect and befriend those with loving hearts– and since God is love, I think there’s definitely something to that, in its utter simplicity. I don’t know what exactly they feel, but… they do. They know, in their own way.

I apologize for the huge response but this is a topic that’s actually quite dear to my heart, and I was moved to offer my thoughts on it, may they glorify God.

But yes, I daresay dinosaurs are objectively super cool. God has the best imagination, after all!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



lauramakabresku
:

Birds listening to God’s pulse

The heartbeat of God is music so beautiful, so rapturous, that even the very songbirds cannot help but hear its sweetness in silent awe.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


traumacatholic:

My favourite thing about the ‘Psalter and Rosary of the Virgin (from f. 27), in two versions, and other devotional texts, including a litany’ is that there’s just many pages dedicated to drops of blood. (x, x)

From the source:

“…The text begins with three pages, each painted black, on which large drops of blood trickle down. The third page has been thoroughly worn, which may be the result of kissing; part of it has been rubbed and smudged rather than merely kissed…”

That is the devotion that defines a Christian. Thanks be to God that this beautiful testament to such heartfelt adoration still exists for our edification. May the love proven through these prayerfully-kissed pages inflame our own hearts with ardor to do the same!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When you are in pain, and frightened because you don't know what's wrong, remember that God knows what is wrong, and even if He currently withholds the answers you seek, He is with you in love. His timing and wisdom are still trustworthy. Rest in His knowledge, in solid hope, for He holds your entire situation in His caring hands. You are not lost or forgotten.

I pray that He does give you answers soon, and that until then, He comforts you in your pain, and alleviates as much of it as He wills. May He grant you deepest peace and healing! 🙏

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We all have needs that can only be met by God. That is such a key truth of life that is frequently forgotten.

And those needs aren’t strictly spiritual, either! My life crises as of late have proven to me, quite strikingly, that I have an awful amount of physical needs that I cannot meet on my own– only God can. I am helpless; He is all-powerful. I am foolish and frightened; He is Wisdom and Peace Himself. I am wracked by misery; He soothes me with mercy. I feel abandoned and alone… He loves me to all eternity. Deep down, those are my truest needs; GOD Himself is What I need to thrive. My survival needs will be met as He sees fit, if I trust Him to meet them– because, again, I cannot, and desperately trying to do so anyway will (and does) only make me more distraught and drive me to despair. However, prayerfully placing all my hopes in God, surrendering my life into His hands, and doing what I can without worrying about MY success but HIS… that gets me through. God’s Love never fails.

God knows I need this body to survive in order to serve Him here, and He will ensure that. He’s not ignorant; He “knows I am but dust.” But I am His dust, destined for redemption by the grace of Christ, and that truth is enough refuge for any new crisis. Even if I do die, it’s on His timing; and– have mercy on me a sinner– after the storms of life are over, I have an eternity in His arms to look forward to. Until then, I must live with my entire life geared towards that. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God.” That’s what Jesus means. God will provide the needs of your journey to Him, but stay on the journey! The ultimate goal is of ultimate importance; no matter how short or difficult our journey is, it will end one day, and then it won’t matter how tough things were prior. So trust. Don’t worry. God’s got this; God’s got you.

If you are in need today, any need– poor health, emotional distress, financial fears, physical pain, future panic, anything– remember that you don’t have the ability to solve those massive problems and that is both okay and intentional. NO human can do so… because GOD CAN, and He loves us so much He wants you to ask Him for help. Like an adoring Father cares for His children, He must let us try & learn on our own in order to grow, but when we stumble and cry out, He is always there to pick us up and help us to do what we cannot do alone.

And maturing in spirit isn’t about learning to do those things alone. Spiritally, we are always going to be God’s children. We’re little! We’re weak and ignorant and helpless, like a baby is… but babies are meant to be helped and loved and cherished and if we– if only through failed struggles– admit that we are just children, God will care for us as such… otherwise we’re trying too hard to be “grown up” in ways we cannot force, and we push our Father away through proud striving and/or shame. Don’t do that. Ask Him for help. Be simple and pure of heart.

There are things we will always need God’s help for, and when you put that in the proper perspective it is an absolute joy. God is our greatest need, our ultimate goal, our Protector in every trial, and our Provider in every situation. Even when we suffer, it’s under His watchful and compassionate Eye– “a Father disciplines those He loves.” Doesn’t suffering give you a unique opportunity to cling closer than ever to Him? Doesn’t it give you “strength training” for patience, trust, hope, perseverance, courage, surrender, faith? Doesn’t it give you a testing-fire to prove the power of grace in you? Yes it is hard to be gentle, kind, joyful, temperate, meek, and even loving when we are in the throes of suffering, but it’s only hard because we’re focusing so much on the suffering, and not on God, Who gives us the grace TO embody those virtues of His! I can attest to this firsthand. Fix your focus on God. Trust in His Power to save, against all odds, despite all confusion, especially if you can’t see or imagine a way out. He can, and He will. Look at your life! Hasn’t He already brought you safely in soul to this very moment? He has never once failed you. He is utterly faithful, worthy of all our trust, and that will never change.

Today, place your trust in your Father anew. Go to Him with all your aches of heart, and put them into His open hands. Ask Him for help… then rest. Rest, dear child. God will take care of you. You will never, ever have to struggle alone. He will meet your daily needs when you cannot; He doesn’t expect or want you to try otherwise. God will provide for you and the sparrows both.

Just remember… in Him, your deepest needs are already fulfilled. And that is how we thrive.



Anonymous asked,
I just sent [you a donation]
-an atheist who doesn’t want anyone to suffer the way it sounds like you’re suffering

 

I must still say “God bless you,” in my honest gratitude for your sincere charity. The sentiment holds true, even though our beliefs differ– I hope the highest good for you, in return for your interest in mine… and I firmly believe that my God can, will, and does do that for any compassionate soul, whether or not they share my religion. You’re human; by virtue of that fact alone, you are included in that divine care.

More generally: thank you for your generous kindness. Humanity is truly illuminated by our capacity to love; in this little testament to it, you have lit up my life a little more. 🙏


I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through confession of the Oneness 
Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today 
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism, 
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial, 
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension, 
Through the strength of His descent for the judgment of doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of cherubim, 
In obedience of angels, 
In service of archangels, 
In the hope of resurrection to meet with reward, 
In the prayers of patriarchs, 
In preachings of the apostles, 
In faiths of confessors, 
In innocence of virgins, 
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven; 
Light of the sun, 
Splendor of fire, 
Speed of lightning, 
Swiftness of the wind, 
Depth of the sea, 
Stability of the earth, 
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me; 
God's might to uphold me, 
God's wisdom to guide me, 
God's eye to look before me, 
God's ear to hear me, 
God's word to speak for me, 
God's hand to guard me, 
God's way to lie before me, 
God's shield to protect me, 
God's hosts to save me 
From snares of the devil, 
From temptations of vices, 
From every one who desires me ill, 
Afar and anear, 
Alone or in a mulitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and evil, 
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes my body and soul, 
Against incantations of false prophets, 
Against black laws of pagandom, 
Against false laws of heretics, 
Against craft of idolatry, 
Against spells of women and smiths and wizards, 
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul. 
Christ shield me today 
Against poison, against burning, 
Against drowning, against wounding, 
So that reward may come to me in abundance.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, 
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, 
Christ on my right, Christ on my left, 
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, 
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, 
Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me, 
Christ in the eye that sees me, 
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, 
Through a belief in the Threeness, 
Through a confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation

St. Patrick (ca. 377)



 

 

This is forever my favorite prayer. It strikes me to the heart every time I speak it, and moves me to tears without fail.

Thank God for Saint Patrick. Thank God for his beautiful faith, and for his devotion in bringing that same faith to the people of Ireland. May he intercede for us today and always, that we too may all share in the heartfelt confession of the Oneness of the Creator of Creation, and so, through Him, be brought fully into the oneness of His Church, by the powerful grace and love of Jesus Christ, Who Is King of all nations forever. Amen. 💚🙏✝️☘
 

...However. I'm reblogging this particular instance of this beloved prayer, not only for the cleareformatting, but also because it lacks a period in the last stanza. That actually touches me deeply, even if it was an accidental omission.

That lack of a closing mark, immediately after the proclamation of the Trinity, speaks silent volumes of the infinitude of that very Creator, omnipresent and eternal, with no beginning or end. We are left with a blessedly "unfinished" prayer, refusing to conclude itself, standing forever open and thus overflowing into time beyond itself.

We confess our faith in the Creator of Creation, and though the words leave our lips, they remain in our souls. Their sound lingers in the air like music, an unresolved yet perfect chord, inviting our perpetual participation in this prayer, the secret purpose for which it was spoken in the first place.

This prayer is our breastplate, affixed to our heart always, repeated in every breath, realized in every circumstance. Christ is in all of it. He is present everywhere, always, never ending, enduring forever, and every atom of the universe confesses Him.

Don't "finish" this prayer. Let it continue through the rest of your life.



Nonetheless, Philothea, you must not rest satisfied with general desires and aspirations, but rather turn them into special resolutions for your individual correction and amendment. For instance, when you meditate upon the first of our Saviour's words from the Cross, you will assuredly feel a desire to imitate Him, to forgive and love your enemies. But that desire is worth little unless you proceed to some practical resolution, such as "I will no longer be angry at the irritating words which such a one says to me or of me; nor at the annoyance caused me by another; on the contrary, I will do and say all I can to soothe and them" - and so forth. In this way you will soon correct your faults, whereas mere desires will have but few and tardy results.

- St. Francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, Part 2: Counsels Concerning the Soul's Approach f God in Prayer and the Sacraments, Chapter 6: Third Part of Meditation - Affections and Resolutions

This is VERY edifying advice for Lent.

Desire alone will only produce dreams of possible results. Deciding on a specific goal-- something practical and achievable-- will guarantee results, with the grace of God helping you through prayer.

God wants you to be free of sin! He will assist you in doing so, but you must know and recognize where you are bound first, or your prayers will be vague and unfocused. Show Him a specific struggle you have with sin, determine your weakest spots, get a battle plan, and resolve to fight with Christian virtue!

Small steps of virtue are still significant steps. Our Lord could work miracles with but a word or a touch. You do not need to do grandiose acts for Lent in order to draw closer to Him. Resolve to let His Living Water wash away your iniquities, be it drop by drop... but direct those drops to hit your wounds. You will heal. God always gets results.

(Saint Francis de Sales words this perfectly succinctly, but my hearts was nevertheless moved to elaborate from personal experience, for I too desperately need this advice. All thanks be to God!)



"Today, I shall do an act of charity for a poor or suffering person, even if I have to go out of my way to do it."

This is a beautiful challenge of charity.

Let us all keep our eyes, ears, hearts, and hands open today-- and through all of Lent-- for opportunities to help those in need, whatever that need may be, whoever may need it. Let us pray for the grace & discernment to act in compassion when God leads us to such an opportunity, not out of moral obligation or self-righteousness, but out of tender mercy and genuine love for our fellow man. Let us act in charity because we cannot help but do so. May the love that Christ had-- and forever has-- for the poor & needy overflow from our hearts today and always!




Bartolomé Esteban Murillo, Man of Sorrows (detail), 17th century

You can see the sorrow in His face, here– in the downturned humility of His gaze, in the slight but notable curve of His eyebrows, in the dark lines below His eyes… in His quiet mouth, like a Lamb led to slaughter.

A single thorn draws a bead of brilliant Blood from His forehead. The wretched crown wreathes His hair like a halo.

By His Wounds, we have been healed– but oh, so too by His sorrows, we have been comforted! What blessed, tragic paradox! What agonies our Lord endured for our sake!

God became a man, a man of sorrows, so that we, in our own miseries, would never suffer alone. We would, forever, have an Advocate of empathy, a Lord Who had bled and wept and feared just like us. Christ knows our pain.

Let your aching heart take refuge in Him.

 

akosuaa: I don’t want to be lukewarm loved

 slain-in-the-spirit: Imagine how God feels.

thatetherealgirl: This hit me.

363ci: Revelation 3:16 = So because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Yea this hits right now too.

 

Lukewarm “love” isn’t worthy of the name, when the heart of Love Himself is on fire.

God’s heart burns with love for us. When that hits us, it cannot help but spark a similar flame in our own hearts, however small it may start.

Feed that flame of love! Do not let it fizzle out or fade! Work it into a blazing ardor through acts of devotion and prayer. Start small, for your fire is yet a candle-light, but it will increase with every ounce of charity-fuel you put into it. Prayer gives you that fuel through grace. Without it, we’re helpless– we have no means to kindle a divine spark ourselves! But if God gives it, He will protect it. Pray for this!

During these 40 days of Lent, a spiritual desert whose nights bring terrible coldness & dark, set your eyes firmly on the heart of Christ, aflame with love for you– for you!!– and let that burning truth fill your own heart with zeal, pressing on towards the Cross, where that divine Love was proved… and is proven still.

Your cross, too, proves the heat of your love for God. Carry it! It us bringing you to Him!

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Catholicism is inherently “weird & creepy” with “crazy ideas” according to the world; yes, we may affectionately and humorously use those terms for ourselves, but in truth we must also realize the bitter judgment behind them externally. It pains my heart to hear such comments because it implies the commenter only sees those qualities in our faith, not the beauty & mercy & love. We must pray sincerely for those people; their hearts are closed through misunderstanding, fear, or hatred, and Christ longs for their hearts to soften, repent, and return home to Him too.

Nevertheless, I am humbly grateful to be weird, creepy, & crazy, if that is how my relationship with Christ and His Church is perceived by the yet-unfaithful. It is a small yet significant joy & honor to see so many of us proclaiming the same.



“Yet even now,” declares the LORD, “return to Me with all your heart, with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”
Joel 2:12 BSB

To "break down the barriers separating your heart from God"-- to truly rend your heart-- you must first identify those barriers, those places so hardened and stiff they must be rent asunder lest you perish. It's tragically easy to find those spots-- whenever you feel resistance to His presence & input in a situation, whenever you feel unwilling or unable to pray, whenever you cannot hear His Voice or even remember what it sounds like-- all these frightening instances are barriers between your heart and His. They need to be removed-- destroyed completely, reduced to dust & ashes, beyond rebuilding-- but we have no strength to do that alone! All we can do is beg for help; all we can do is seek Him out, with feeble fervor if we must, but seek Him we must. When you cannot "pray," you can still cry to Him without words. When you cannot hear, you can still read Scripture. And when you feel that awful resistance, that is your greatest opportunity-- you can then show God EXACTLY where that obstacle is, and with hopeful trust, plead Him to remove it by His merciful grace. Then you must let Him work. You need only stand with Him and watch Him.

Over and over, moment to moment, breath by breath, you must constantly refocus on God. You must let Him into your broken heart, so He can remake it in His liking. The demolition is a rebirth. We fast from the world to feed upon Him. We weep for our sins to be grateful for His mercy. We mourn for Him Who died for us, because of us, so that we may feel the joy of the salvation His Blood bought for us.

When you let Him remove the chains shackling your soul to the secular world, you become free to embrace Him. Even if your wrists are bloodied and bruised, His pains to free you were greater, and you can take comfort in knowing that no amount of damage your soul or body may bear will ever deter Him from pulling you close. He is the Divine Physician; when He sees your wounds, He will kiss them to healing. Thus you must admit you have them, uncover them, offer them up to the divine scalpel and sutures if need be. Yes, the process is painful, but it is essential for life. Pain does not mean death, not if it is acted upon; it is only an alert that something needs to be rectified... and as you progress in penance, you shall find that what was once seen as suffering to the flesh is now sweet to your soul.

The call to penance is not a call to separation. In the very midst of our mortification, we are drawing closer to Christ. We are returning to the One Who loves us. We are coming home.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

HAPPY FORGIVENESS SUNDAY!

I’m not Orthodox, but the entire concept & celebration of Forgiveness Sunday is both deeply humbling and deeply beautiful.

Ask for forgiveness from God, ask for forgiveness from your neighbor– and then offer forgiveness to your neighbor in return, as we have received forgiveness from God.

Lent is all about forgiveness, mercy, & repentance. It’s a time to grow closer to God and act more like Christ, by loving & serving God and His people, and turning away from all sin, which harms those relationships.

Let us all look forward in hope to this time of penitence, for it is a time of restoration, and at the end of this desert road– by the way of the Cross– new life awaits us; life in the Lord!

Happy Forgiveness Sunday indeed! 🙏❤

---------------------------------------------------------------------------




This statement is not wrong, but it is not completely right, either. It is a basic observation from a genuinely religious people, who are simply unaware of the transcendent nature of that other religion's building.

Let me begin by correctly affirming the implication here of divinity within nature:

"The entire material universe speaks of God’s love, His boundless affection for us. Soil, water, mountains: everything is, as it were, a caress of God... God has written a precious book, “whose letters are the multitude of created things present in the universe,” [and] no creature is excluded from this manifestation of God." (Pope Francis)

God absolutely speaks to all people through nature; the created world is our most direct and immediately universal revelation of the beauty of the Creator. "Natural religion" is called that for a reason; it is an instinctive response to the divinity we see reflected in the blessed earth around us. Some cultures stop there, and worship nature itself-- not realizing that nature is our sister, not our mother (as Saint Francis beautifully penned). Some cultures do imagine "gods" in control of nature, but they are not creators, not of the very hearts of things; nor do they satisfy the even deeper human desire for something greater-- something we can know and touch, here, to tell us vividly of God, of the Heart of beauty itself.

Honestly? I say we still miss the Garden. We still dream of Paradise, after being cast out from it. Our "wanting more" was misplaced, as we already had everything... everything except loss. So we lost everything, and now we ache to return, not because it was lovely, but because of why it was lovely... because of Who created it and us.

That is the deeper point. For the Christian-- and especially Catholic-- soul, there is a recognition and explanation of the innately longed-for depth beyond the surface sparkle:

"When we immerse ourselves in the beauty of nature and be attentive to what is going on in our soul, we find that we have a longing for even greater beauty. No one ever said, “That sunset was all I ever wanted to see.” We always want one that’s a little brighter, a little longer, a little more picturesque. The beauty in nature awakens in us the desire for Infinite Beauty, Jesus Christ Himself." (Christian Williams)

And THAT is where the "building" comes in. It is not 'necessary' for worship, or for prayer, or for talking and listening to God. Nature is, indeed, a wonderful place for all those things. But nature has not been specifically instituted by God as a memorial of His Saving Sacrifice, as a specific and sacred spot of spacetime where He can still be with us physically. God is there in nature, yes, but not literally so. You can only touch God through the hands of a priest, and such a staggering miracle both deserves and demands a particular place to occur, something "set apart" from even the beauty of the natural world, which-- although inherently good-- can easily get tangled up in pagan pantheism, and whose greatest beauty pales spectacularly in the Presence of Christ.

We go inside a building to talk to God because He is literally there. We built Him a house we can visit Him in, like a friend, like a lover-- a place uniquely His own, built by His family on earth, something tenderly human and beloved even in its flaws. A church is not a sunset, but oh, once you have met the Lord there, you would gladly give up ever seeing another sunset, if it meant you could stay with Him instead, and taste Heaven on earth.

You will never have to hunger for Paradise again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 

‘Eve After the Fall’. Auguste Rodin. 1886.

This is terribly powerful in its simplicity.

Consider: this is the first woman. The very first! She was created pure, joyful, as simple and guileless as a child. She had no shame, no guilt, no fear. She walked with God in Paradise, and the very concept of suffering– of sin & evil– was alien to her.

However… yes, she was pure, but she was not perfect. She was still fallible– she had free will, and the possibility of choosing wrongly was an inherent risk of that liberty.

Satan knew this.

One day, as Eve was admiring the one tree she was forbidden to eat from, a strange serpent slithered into her sight and hissed the first human temptation– mistrust in God.

“Did God really say that…?”

Eve’s faith was not perfect. Some key part of her heart was not fixed on her Lord. She doubted, she desired, she took the fruit that was not hers to take… and suddenly, she knew.

She knew she had sinned.

And look at her now! Look, at this first woman, this poor young child of God, once a stranger to death but now she has tasted it firsthand. Look at what that knowledge has done to her. Her legs are crossed in shameful self-awareness, one foot held back and hesitant, betraying her new inner instability. She has one arm wrapped tightly around her chest in a gesture of unquestionable distress, hiding not only her breasts but also her heart: two parts of her body once innocent, now tainted by the suggestions of sin. Her other arm speaks volumes. It is crossed over the other, closing her body language totally, but the hand is raised– feebly, not to shield from a blow but to deter all contact, all comfort. Don’t look at me, it says. Don’t touch me. Her guilt is too great. She turns her head away, but does not bury it completely; she has not fallen entirely into self-pity. Perhaps she is holding on to hope, to the only light she has left within reach– “her offspring will attack the serpent’s head.” Somewhere in the future, her now-miserable body will once again cooperate with God’s will, and then– oh, so soon, she prays– evil will be crushed. Perhaps then she could return to Paradise, to her Lord, and leave behind this terrible curse.

Until then, here she stands… fallen, but not forgotten.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------


I apologize for not posting anything specifically about Lent. I know it's tomorrow. I've been thinking about it constantly. But I've also been very sick, in and out of the ER, and that suffering is eating up my focus as well. I feel like a wreck of a Christian, struggling so much just with everyday living. I don't know what else I can give up, other than my fears and anxieties, so that is my goal. I will pray more, and panic less, and be merciful to myself and others, and hold tightly to my hope in God, and a life with Him after this. Lent means so much to me. I am grateful it is here, even if I am weaker and more pitiful spiritually than ever. God have mercy on me during this penitential season. I pray that this time heals my poor soul.

May Our Lord bless you all this Lent. May your devotion bring you ever closer to the Heart of Christ.

 


prismaticbleed: (angel)



Devotion to the side wound of Christ, touchingly evidenced in my local Basilica.

(When I saw this I WEPT.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Nothing is unexpected to God; He knows and guides all things.
I cannot control anything, but God is in control of the universe itself.
Do not be anxious! Trust Him! Pray when you are worried; do not despair. He will bring all things to a perfect end according to His Good Will... and nothing can stop or hinder His purposes.

Take profound comfort in that.



Lord, I trust You. Forgive my worrying and obsessing. I surrender everything into Your loving, wise, and prudent care. Lead me in Your grace to seek only You, and desire only You. Amen.



"If I say hard things, it is not because I do not love you. I write as I do, because I desire your salvation. He is your best friend who tells you the most truth. Truth must be spoken, however condemning it might be."
-J.C. Ryle


Remember this-- true love, and a true friend, will always tell you the truth, or they themselves cannot be considered true. Truth does not lie, or hide, or omit, or alter, or pander, or hate, or disparage. Since truth is of God, and God is love, the two are inherently interconnected.
Yes, the truth may be condemning, but then you are in a position to recieve mercy, and to change your now terribly aware heart, which has been so brought into the light-- the light of Truth, which cannot help but illuminate all it touches.
Speak the truth, always-- but remember, if not spoken with love, even basic facts are tainted. True honesty is pure and clear, and seeks only to accomplish what is equally so.
Look at the Gospels. Christ, the Truth Himself, spoke truly to all-- but it was indeed a condemning truth to many! Yet it was always spoken with love, love for those misguided and lost souls, love that shone its light on them to lead the way back home. Christ, Who is God, desires that all men be saved... yet, if they reject the truth, they cannot be, of their own choice.
In today's culture, it is difficult to speak the truth without facing great opposition, even hostility. Do not fear. Truth must be spoken, for the sake of truth-- for the sake of love; the sake of God.

 




 

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (2008) dir. Aditya Chopra
This is so pure and sweet; it gives me real joy to see such dialogue in a film.
This is marriage, as God intended it-- this unexpected yet beautiful falling in love with one another, over and over again. After all, every day, you learn more about their heart and mind and soul, you become more familiar with their words and moods and actions… every day, there is something new to deepen and enrich your love. That is marriage. Yes, even with the tough times and rough edges, that is marriage, that is love, outlasting and seeing beyond it all– because those difficulties are not inherent, they are not permanent; what lasts is eternal and inviolable– your hearts and souls, your love, your marriage covenant. And that is how God loves each and every one of us, too. You are called to be a sacred, living icon of that divine ardor to the world. Rejoice in that. Fireworks!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When you cannot sleep from sickness, and keep having nightmares... remember that God knows every sparrow’s fall– He holds You in His hands despite all nightmares that shake you, despite all sickness that torments you. God cares for you, most deeply and truly, especially in your illness– and right now, you share, however briefly and minutely, in the Cross of Christ. There is hidden blessing in this; embrace it with prayer, give Him your pain and fear and distress. He carries it with you. It will not last forever, take heart. There is sweet mercy even now. With Christ, there is a resurrection after every cross.

I say a prayer every night in the form if an old hymn, as I find it deeply beautiful, and it goes like this:

“Before the fading of light, we pray you, O Creator of the universe, with your accustomed mercy, to be [our] protector and guardian.
May our hearts dream of you; may they perceive you in sleep. And, with the approach of light, may they always celebrate your glory.
Grant us a wholesome life; restore our ardour. May your brilliance light up the over-powering darkness of the night.
Grant this, Almighty Father, through the Lord Jesus Christ, Who reigns with you for ever with the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

I hope you find some comfort in it, too. 🙏❤













prismaticbleed: (angel)

“Oh my God, forgive what I had been, correct what I am, and direct what I will be.”

— St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

This is a beautifully brief yet powerful prayer. To plead these few words with ardent sincerity– how many other petitions it encompasses! What soft humility, what soaring hope it enkindles! This little prayer is a jewel to always carry in our hearts, letting the light of God sparkle within its many facets, so that our souls may shine ever more sweetly with His grace.

----------------------------------

"While he was still a long way off..." (luke 15:20)

This verse staggers me. God our Father is watching for our return, with all yearning love, even when we are that far away, and He runs to meet us even there. And He kisses us!! The unfathomable love of that melts my heart every time.

--------------------------------
 

"Why love what you will lose?
There is nothing else to love."

Louise Glück, Poems 1962-2012

 

Only on this side of eternity, beloved.

This quote is powerfully true, but it is not complete. There is one thing we cannot lose, and ironically, marvellously, that thing is love itself– that is God.

Think upon that paradox. Yes, in this life, we will ‘lose’ everything and everyone we love. But one day we, too, will be 'lost’ to inevitable death, and then what? Oh, then what? If we all go on, shall we not meet again, in the very bosom of the love that breathed us into being?

Do not fear loss. In the end, at the very end, nothing loved is ever truly lost. In the end, love remains, forever. That is the “something else” hidden at the very center of all passing precious things.

So love, love always, love recklessly, love because every created thing is fragile and temporary and yet at its heart it is so beautifully, joyously eternal.

 

prismaticbleed: (angel)

     “Oh my Lord! How true it is that whoever works for you is paid in troubles! And what a precious price to those who love you if we understand its value.”
   - St. Teresa of Avila

Christ was born, ultimately, to take up His Cross. We must do the same, with all joy in following His bloodied yet gentle footsteps, and all humbled awe at the hidden holiness in each aching step.

Our troubles in this life are preparing us for heaven, freeing us from the sedating seduction of sin and strengthening our hearts for heroic virtue. It is a grand paradox, one that the world cannot comprehend, but which the children of God embrace despite all difficulty.

May we all be given the grace to understand the precious value of suffering– for, in, and with Christ!

-----------------------

"When you are angry with someone, the way to find peace is to pray for that person and ask God to reward him or her for making you suffer."
–Saint Therese of Lisieux

This is shockingly contrary to the mind of the world, which demands comfort & consolation, rejecting & punishing those who offend. But Christ carried a cross to His unjust death with total love, forgiving His murderers, enduring unbearable pain out of sheer compassion for those same souls who spit at Him. He knew that the Cross could be their salvation, too, if only they would carry it with Him.

That is why we bless our persecutors and pray for their genuine reward from heaven. Without them, we could not fully join Christ in Calvary. Without them, we could not practice Godlike mercy. They are unexpected and unintended blessings, and when we realize and give thanks for this, even the most bitter offenses are transmuted into a source of Christian joy. This is the beautiful power of the Cross.
-----------------------------


It is, paradoxically, a sign of spiritual health to be keenly aware of how sick your poor soul actually is. We are feeble creatures, dependent on God for everything– and there is true joy there, for where we cannot help but fail and fall short, God can give boundless grace and strength according to His Will. And the more we struggle and suffer in this world, the more opportunities we have to see and manifest God’s power through our weakness– to let Him act despite ourselves. Trust in Him totally; surrender to Him totally. Do not despair! It is not for us to win the victory– that is already God’s. No matter what sorrow we face, if we admit our poverty of soul and prayerfully give all into His care, we shall find a heavenly joy, a supernatural peace, anchoring into our heart. Earthly life will always be difficult, but with God to guide us, those tough times will gain a sweetness that no earthly pleasures could ever grant. True bliss is found only in heaven. Let us place all our hopes there.

--------------------------

in response to mark 12:41-44...

Every cent we sacrifice for Christ and His Church is invested in grace a thousandfold. Even if we live in poverty for our entire earthly life, if we still give even that to God, we shall be rich in eternity– rich not in dollars, but in divine blessings.

God will provide for every need– but never for greed. Rest assured that even if you currently only have two cents in your pocket, if you dedicate your use of that tiny sum to His glory, He will see to it that He is glorified in you. Again, whether that be through gracious abundance after suffering or through abundant grace amidst suffering, only God can choose. But He will carry you. Take comfort in His fidelity.

--------------------------

“I do not despise anyone; even if he is only one, he is a human being, the living creature for which God cares. Even if he is a slave, I may not despise him; I am not interested in his class, but his virtue; not his condition of master or slave, but his soul. Even if he is only one, he is a human being, for whom the heaven was stretched out, the sun appears, the moon changes, the air was poured out, the springs gush forth, the sea was spread out, the prophets were sent, the law was given– and why should I mention all these?– for whom the only-begotten Son of God became man. My Master was slain and poured out His blood for man. Shall I despise him? What pardon would I have? Do you not hear that the Lord conversed with the Samaritan woman, and spent many words? He did not despise her because she was a Samaritan, but because she had a soul, He cared for her. He did not neglect her because she was a harlot, but because she was going to be saved and had showed faith, she often benefitted from His concerns.”

— On Wealth and Poverty, Saint John Chrysostom (via earlychristianity)

Every Christian must, through Christ, see every human being in this same charitable light. We do not love a person because of our fond opinion or preference or any personal reason. We love them because Christ loved them. We love them because Christ died to save them, just as much as He died to save you and me. And this is the most powerful truth standing opposed to our selfishness, for where we may judge and ignore and neglect and condemn– again all for personal reasons– Christ cares for every soul regardless, unconditionally, and He embraces and kisses them, and He tends their wounds and feeds them and gives them a home where they are forgiven and supported and healed and loved… simply because they exist, because all the beauty of Creation was designed with them in mind, because Christ Himself spoke their very soul into being, with the ultimate goal of bringing them into Heaven with Him forever. That is Christ’s mission. That is the Gospel. That is how we must live our everyday lives, because it is everyday life that brings us closer to heaven, or further from it… it all hinges on how much we love like Christ.

All those things we judge others on– race, gender, looks, opinions, politics, moods, etc.– they are all temporal, fleeting, empty in the end. Even sin– perhaps, hopefully, especially sin– has no inherent permanence, as it can be totally washed away in the Blood of Christ. In the end, all that remains is the soul. God loves every single one totally, no matter what external decorations it wore on this earth. Do we?




prismaticbleed: (angel)



"A joyful person sees God at work even in their trials." And Joy springs from gratitude! Always give thanks to God, especially for your trials, because He IS still at work and in control, and He knows what He is doing and allowing. He loves you, and He always has good plans for your soul. When you consciously recognize this and are thankful for this fact about God’s nature, even if you don’t understand a thing He’s doing, then joy will softly melt away your fears and give you a profound peace. Rest in faithful trust, rest in the love of God, and even in the most difficult days you will taste the deep and constant sweetness of joy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When you put those two things side by side—the naked fact that “God is” and that “you are"—letting the two exist together in quiet contemplation, you have entered the deepest, simplest mystery of prayer. "Take the good, gracious God, just as he is, without qualification, and bind him, as you would a poultice, to your sick self, just as you are.”"

Belden C. Lane, The Solace of Fierce Landscapes: Exploring Desert and Mountain Spirituality

There is nothing more to add to this beautifully phrased & intimately profound truth, other than the sincere entreaty to pray like this as often as possible.

Just… be there, heart thrown wide and aching open, in that silent recognition. Hold yourself close and quiet to Him like a tired and teary-eyed child clinging to his loving father. Just be there. You will feel the cosmic depth of it, and the utter simplicity of it. And God will speak unspoken Truth to your small yet such-beloved heart.

And you must live there. There is all peace, there is all joy, there is all love.


 

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
(Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬)
 

When your past feels utterly wrecked, and your present utterly desolate, remember this. God wants you to look to Him instead of over your bruised shoulders. He wants you to look in trust, in wonder, in hope so keen it aches. Yes, you are in great sorrow and pain, but look! There is an oasis in the desert. Look! There is life blooming amidst the frozen rocks. Look! God is kissing your wounds. He is recreating you in love. No matter what you were before, no matter what you did… now, God is doing a new thing– He is doing it in you, for you!

Where you see only desolation, God sees an opportunity to work a miracle. His power is made perfect in weakness. Give Him your wastelands, and look– He shall fill them with flowers.

 


"Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone."
(Galatians 6:10)

Keep your heart open to those opportunities, and you will see them everywhere– they are like glittering yet hidden diamonds waiting to be revealed and shared.

But be warned– if you grumble over the possibility of suffering to do good, over complaints of inconvenience and impatience and indignities, then you will miss thousands of priceless spiritual gems… your hardened heart will see everything, like itself, as a dulled rock.

Let love break that stone so you can shine. Start small, start sincerely. Even the tiniest jewel is inherently precious. Do good, always and everywhere, and watch the world around you begin to sparkle with the light of God.



Anonymous asked,
Hello, I am asking if you could please pray for me? I had a hallucination/waking dream last night or maybe a real spiritual event but I doubt it--in which a demon tried to attack me and I just want to know that people of God have my back. Thank you. God Bless
 


Dear sibling in Christ, as someone who also experiences such demonic torments, I will absolutely pray for you with empathetic sincerity.

Do not lose heart. Many saints have suffered at the hands of the devil. No matter what he or his minions do, however, Christ has your back. More than anyone else, He is there for you, even if He does not intervene directly. He has His holy purposes; all He allows is meant to help you grow in holiness and virtue, to conform your soul more closely to His. Satan hates our Lord– therefore he also hates His people. But he cannot and will not win, as long as you endure in faith. Take courage.

In any case, many prayers are being said for you, for mercy and deliverance, for strength and consolation. Saint Michael the Archangel, we particularly recommend this soul to your mighty care and protection. Saint Joseph, terror of demons, pray for them and stand by them. Mary, Queen of Angels, chase the fallen ones away! Stay with this soul as a mother who always defends and comforts her children. We ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ our sovereign Lord. Amen.



"Wherever I am, as soon as I raise the eyes of my heart in my affliction to God, the Lover of men immediately answers my faith and prayer, and the sorrow immediately departs. He is at every hour near me, only I do not see it, but I feel it vividly in my heart. Sorrow is the death of the heart and it is the falling away from God."

- St John of Kronstadt

 


Let suffering & sorrow bring you closer to Christ, by motivating heartfelt & fervent prayer– but pray with faith, and humble surrender nevertheless! Jesus longs to comfort you, even if the affliction does not abate. He will still bring His peace into your heart, true and unshakable, and that closeness to Him is what shall soothe all sorrow.

Do not fall into self-pity or despair; they will choke your soul. Instead, like a child in pain seeking its mother, run immediately to The Lord, Who Loves you. In this, even your worst afflictions will become gates to holy joy– through love they will take you to the Cross, where your pains unite bittersweetly with His, with Life Himself Who will deliver you thus from spiritual death. Fear not!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Thank God for EVERYTHING. Every single thing. No exceptions, as I always strive to emphasize. Look at the Bible– God’s greatest blessings often come disguised, wreathed in pain & suffering & sorrow– just like Christ.

We typically have no idea what God is doing, in those scary times. We’re frightened, confused, and hurting. But God is holding you in His Hands even then, especially then, when everything but Him is powerless and at a loss. God’s glory is made manifest all the more stunningly in weakness. We know this from Saint Paul, but do we believe this?

Begin by thanking God for everything. It’s radical trust, radical surrender, radical love. And it will bring you the most profound peace.

In trouble,– today especially– I pray like this:

“God, I’m scared and upset and I’m distressed by what is happening… but I trust You. I know that Your Will is Good, and I want to surrender to it despite my fears. Help me to do that by Your grace. Help me to rest in Your Love and care, especially when I cannot see it clearly at work. Strengthen my faith in You during this time. I unite my sufferings to those of Christ Your Son in reparation for my sins. I thank you for this grace. I thank you for Your purposes in allowing these things to happen, however difficult, for You have a plan. I thank You for keeping me safe in Your plan despite my wretchedness, and for loving me so much that nothing in this world can separate me from You, no matter how terrible it may be. I thank You for everything, because I love You too, feebly but sincerely, and I do not fear Your Good Will. I trust You. Thank you for all of this. Amen.”

Just… pour your heart out to God. Center on your love for Him, and on His Love for you, and gratitude will flow out from your soul like a river.

Thank You, God, for everything, everything. Thy Will Be Done.


semperreformanda:

God holds all things together.

Rest.

Everything is under His loving control. He’s got you covered.

Be at peace, like a child in his Father’s arms. Rest there by His Heart.

As He holds you, so He holds the universe.


 

kweza-deactivated20221020:

at some point, you have to realise that all you can do for a hardened soul is pray for them. you don’t have the power to transform heart but God does.

Arguably, that prayer also has great merit because it can only spring from genuine humility– recognizing that I am not God, I cannot change them, I have no control or power nor should I. You must surrender them, and yourself, entirely into God’s care and good will.

Furthermore, this shift from “I must save them!” to “only God can save them” MUST be motivated by love and mercy. You are not “abandoning” a loved one’s hardened heart to the Lord– how could that heart’s Creator ever abandon it?– rather, you are relinquishing your desperate grip on it, so that He can hold it to His own Heart and soften it in a way no human ever could. To admit this exclusive grace is to also hope for it. We cannot see Love without Love first being in us, too, by that same grace.

But I continue with a warning. If, when you stop trying to save someone and “put it in God’s hands,” you fail to pray for them, OR you are begrudging in your loss of attempted saviorship– then you are being motivated by pride and that will drag your soul down into hardness with nauseating speed. “Love your enemies” is a paradox because, when you love someone– love, not necessarily like; there is a difference– they are no longer an enemy, but a lost friend. If you are so offended by your inability to transform them as such with your own power, they will never be loved by you, not in any truth. But when you choose to love them anyway, even with no outward transformation or sign, then– by God’s grace in your soul– they are nevertheless, despite all hell, a friend that you want to meet in heaven.

That’s how we must pray for our ‘enemies’. In fact, no one is our enemy but Satan. Every human being that has ever hurt you is just a lost and stumbling sheep– just like you. Forgive them, beloved, as Christ forgave you– for their soul, too, is beloved to God. Be humble, be merciful, be hopeful, be loving. Put them in God’s care, and tell Him how much you love them and desire their salvation– not for your own sake, but for His, because they may never convert in this life until the last moment. You may never be on “friendly terms” with them until heaven. No matter. Love hopes all things, with no self-interest, and rejoices in the salvation of all, for the love of God Who Is Love.

Pray for those who persecute and insult and hate you. Pray for their hearts to be delivered from evil and brought to God. Pray for all souls to know His mercy, especially those who need it the most. God can soften even a heart of steel. Have faith in this, and pray.



Renunciation of Peter (Fragment), 1311, Duccio di Buoninsegna

He still has his halo, but it is obscured– even as his feet are stretched out towards the flame. There is a powerful sermon in those details alone.



catholic-persephone:

To my fellow Christians, do you guys think we should reply or talk back (not harshly, but just to state or correct) professors during classes? And also to participate in general presenting another point of view? Or should we remain as the others and just pretend we are also insane and agree with everything?? Lol

As G.K Chesterton wisely said: “You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it.” In other words, we must be willing to defend the honor of our beloved, or we have no honest right to call them beloved.

I, too, decry the use of harshness and similar rudeness in our responses to others, especially those in authority. Like Christ, we must speak firmly but gently, respectfully but with integrity. We must not bend to spiritual cowardice or laxity.

If we feel our conscience prickling in response to a professor’s statement– or anyone’s statement, regardless of professional context– we have a moral duty TO act upon that and speak up– again, not for our own sake, but for the sake of our Christian faith. Likewise, participation in the general “sharing of viewpoints” is arguably critical in this confused and relativistic age, when your voice may be the only one willing or able to contribute a Christian viewpoint.

Pretense is a form of dishonesty, and an insidiously corruptive one at that. All dishonesty comes from the evil one. The world is mournfully insane enough; to surrender yourself even to the appearance of it is arguably a sin of omission with gravely dampening effects on the Spirit’s fire in your soul. Enough pretense and you will forget the truth of who you are, which is ultimately anchored in Christ. So too does an admittedly spineless “agreeing with everything” attitude cloud your moral compass and rot your sense of fortitude and religious honor– I repeat, “we must fight for what we love,” if we truly love it, for all love will suffer from the cruel forces of hell… and what lover can bear to see his beloved so oppressed, attacked, mocked, wronged, and ignored? The one in love does not think of himself; he has no fear of ridicule, nor is he intimidated into hiding or diminishing his loyalty. He humbly yet faithfully rises to the challenge, and the purity of his heart will lead him to victory.

This may seem an overzealous response to such an everyday question, but that is in fact why I risk the appearance of excess. This is an everyday battlefield. This is one of those unassuming crossroads of character that we encounter regularly yet ignorantly, not discerning the ever-present stakes, the constant tug-of-war between God and Self in our lives, between the militant devotion of faith and the insouciance of the lukewarm soul. We must be vigilant, for evil never ceases to hunt us. We must be ever ready and willing to face the world and its liar Prince with swords drawn and hearts afire, saying with our Savior that “It is written and forever remains written, ‘YOU SHALL WORSHIP THE LORD YOUR GOD AND SERVE ONLY HIM.’” (Luke 4:8)

“…For whoever denies and disowns Me for fear of men, I shall also deny before My Father and His angels in Heaven!” (Matthew 10:33; Luke 12:9)



“How can we understand forgiveness if we haven’t recognized the depth of our sin?”
- John Henry Newman

Truly, forgiveness means very little to one who feels he has no need of it– such a one may even feel offended at the implication that they have done something that needs to be forgiven.

Unless we are humbled– even crushed– enough to both see and admit our great sinfulness and need of forgiveness– unless we realize that we absolutely deserve to be crucified for our evil deeds, we will not, and cannot, understand the staggering mercy and love of God through Christ’s saving death in our place.

Our faith is a terribly beautiful paradox in this: that the greatest of all miseries– our contrite cognizance of how we have offended God– leads to the greatest of all joys… hearing our Savior say from the bloody Cross, “I forgive you.”


filmnoirsbian:

I love how quick people are to band together. Strangers waiting in line, strangers in an elevator, strangers at a concert, strangers in a public restroom, strangers in an airport, strangers on a bus…literally all it takes is one shared glance and we develop a sense of comraderie 🫂

Human hearts are made for relationship, and it’s beautiful to see them bloom so swiftly and sincerely. Even if you never meet again in this world, your souls have spoken, and that touch lasts forever.

Human connections, however brief, are golden sweet things. Beloved, make some today, in that very motivation of love. Smile, say hello, wave to a child, even talk about the weather. Just reach out and touch their heart, genuinely, even for a moment. Treasure that person. Glimpse their full life and potential in that heartbeat of time. Love them, and then let them go on too. Life is all about that shared camaraderie, and it will enrich your days like endless flowers. Give a stranger a bouquet today.


#we are made for love by Love


koinohnia:

Don’t worry about money or provision just keep God first and seek Him always.

Believe me, He will provide– if not financially, then with grace and spiritual support nevertheless. Eternal life is more important, and God will prioritize that– thanks be to Him– as we also must. So trust His judgment. Seek Him first, seek Him only, and He will take care of the details.



llleighsmith:

i’m so thankful we’re alive to smell flowers and touch saltwater and get chilled in the breeze and take deep breaths and make foods warm with love and dance and laugh and move and wake up and dig our hands in dirt and eat strawberries and draw mindlessly and remember and sing and joke and walk down the same street again and again and make meaning. we are so lucky we get to be and feel and keep going

God has created a truly beautiful world, yet it is only a pale glimpse of the undiluted blissful purity of heaven. May we treasure our short time on this fragile and precious earth, living our equally fragile and precious lives with charity and compassion and mercy for both it and each other, seeking always to preserve and protect and promote beauty in every action, in every moment.

There are flowers and oceans and gentle breezes, dirt and strawberries and sunlit streets, music and memories and much much more. There are people. There is you. Life is so wonderfully rich in loveliness and we must live in constant recognition and gratitude for it, while never losing hope and direction towards what further love awaits our tender souls after death. This is how Christ Himself lived– God Who became human in order to laugh and breathe and eat and cry and pray– who built furniture and broke bread and hugged children and healed lepers and died to take away our sins, so we could live our lives today with a fuller and brighter joy, with a stronger and truer hope, with steadfast faith and ardent love. Christ loved being human, and He loves humans, and He wants us to be fully human, and so we should imitate His heartfelt and holy life. That includes dirt and flowers and strawberries. That includes singing and sleeping and feeling. Do not worry, child. There is more loveliness to be found in His footsteps than you can ever imagine.

How lucky we are to have this life, this time, this world. How blessed we are to have a Savior Who made it all and shares in it with us as our friend… and how joyous we are to have the constant hope and promise of heaven with Him in the end. That is true life– here, and hereafter. God loves you all.

Everything that is, is because of God’s Will. He orchestrates the universe’s heart. Let that touch yours, as you look at the cosmos around you. It’s all God’s choice. You are, too.
 


“God is love, and all his operations proceed from love.”

— St. Lawrence of Brindisi

All means all. Remember this in your darkest days– God is still in control, and everything He orders and allows will and does serve His purposes of Love. It is His nature, His essence; it cannot be otherwise! So fear not. God is Love, forever and always and in all ways.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This prayer has me honestly weeping. It is heart-achingly beautiful.

Dear Saint Mary Madalene, pray for us, your poor sinful siblings, by the grace of the One Who you love so much! Remind our wounded souls that, as He healed you, so shall He heal us, who also seek Him in our sorrows. Help us to always remember the tenderness of His mercy and love, and to never despair, even when we too stand at the tomb. There is always an Easter morning. May God bless us with the grace to meet you, and Him, there.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


Steel pilgrimage amulet/souvenir depicting Mary Magdalene, Mary of Egypt, and the Virgin Mary found in the River Thames in London, England, c. 1400-1700. [2832x3969]

My three Marys!! Oh wow. Found in a river, too… almost lost, but never forgotten by God. That’s the hope that Mary Magdalene & Mary of Egypt both exemplify for me– no matter how deep and turbulent and persistent a sin may be, its rough and choking waters will be forever stilled by Christ, Who calms every storm, Whose Heart is the purest ocean of Mercy. And Mary Our Mother, Star of the Sea, leads us to Him out of our muddy mires, never abandoning her children, but guiding them with tender care.

That all just pierces my heart with such aching tender love. I am so glad this was recovered and shared with the faithful.

Saint Mary Magdalene, Saint Mary of Egypt, Our Blessed Mother Mary– pray for us poor sinners still drowning here, and seeking the shores of heaven! Continue to intercede for us until the day we stand safely alongside you in heaven, in the warmth of Our Savior’s Love!



ashstfu:

people are so lovely‼️ they do these ordinary and mundane things like someone is walking hand in hand with their lover and someone is helping a blind old lady cross the road and someone is dancing in the rain with their best friend and someone is helping a little girl find her mother on a crowded playground and someone’s cat is lying next to them on the couch snoring loudly and it’s adorable and someone is dancing to music alone in their room and someone just went into a bakery and is deeply inhaling the sweet smell of freshly baked bread and a little kid is waiting for his grandpa to pick him up and someone is making dinner for their family while singing their favorite song and someone just confessed their love to someone and someone is talking about something they love with a sparkle in their eyes and you’re reading this and you are alive and you are loved, everything will be fine, you’ll be okay and you’ll be happy

There is such sweet tenderness to just being human.

Treasure people. Really see them, and be grateful for them, and love them. That's what the heart of life sings about. God created us to love-- to love Him and to love the planet and to love people-- and really, that's the most beautiful truth. We're all included. We're all wrapped up in that beloved cosmic embrace, forever. In the end, there's only love. Take comfort in that. It will carry you, so you can carry others too-- gently, joyfully.

We will all be okay, held so closely to each others hearts.

Be human. Be loving.

 




prismaticbleed: (angel)



    "Because many Christians are more eager to acquire much learning than to live in God’s purpose for their life they often go astray, and bear little or no fruit."

-Albert Finch


Faith without works is dead– so is knowledge without application. You could memorize the Bible, the Catechism, even the Summa Theologica– none of it will do you any good by itself. Oh yes, that knowledge is important, but all that knowledge is just inert data, unless it penetrates your heart, and is reflected in the way you live and think and speak.

Furthermore, a thirst for knowledge, for the sake of learning alone, is pride. It will suffocate your soul. But if you are eager to follow Christ, even moreover than to just read about Him, then all the learning you may then do will be fueled by love and the desire to better serve Him Whom you love. Basically, are you reading the Bible because you want to impress others with memorized verses, or because you yearn to know your God and Savior better?

Are you learning about the faith because you are ‘just curious,’ because you fear educational inferiority, or because you think it will sanctify you? Examine your heart. It is only when you become unafraid of the blessed “book ignorance” of the Apostles that you will be graced with the true knowledge of God that their love and following of Him taught!


 

   
"Isn’t it incredible how man, blinded by his self-efforts, can turn something so beautiful, like spending quality time with Jesus, into a work?"

-Albert Finch


This is so sadly true. If you’re trying to get something out of your relationship with God, other than God, then it’s not a relationship to you– it’s a project, a game, a job. Remember, Christ chose you. Your entire salvation is His doing. Humbly rest and rejoice in that, and in loving gratitude, just be with Him. If you have Jesus, you have everything you need. He’ll take care of the rest.



spacekrakens:

It would have been my brother’s birthday today, and my mom having a really difficult time with grief tonight, please pray for peace for her

Praying for all of you. 🙏

A small but real comfort: his soul is alive and he still loves you, too. Remember and rejoice that you have memories with him, even while you grieve– for grief is born from love inexpressible– and hold to your hearts thr blessed hope that you shall meet again in the end. God loves you all, and holds your lives and afterlives safely in His hands.

Eternal rest grant unto her brother’s soul, O Lord, and may perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, rest in peace. Amen.



jurakan: The media be like, “The Catholic Church is so hypocritical for expecting Joe Biden to follow the beliefs he professes to believe in every Sunday!” Look, I don’t know how to put this more plainly: a man who will not keep his promises to God will not keep his oaths to us.

angeltreasure: He needs to change his ways and go to Confession. He says it’s a private matter but it’s not! Not when my country loves to ‘“police the world”’ so naturally this whole thing is going to blow up as other countries watch us and laugh. We need to pray for him.
 

We absolutely need to pray for him.

Furthermore, it’s never a private matter when scandal against the Body of Christ in His Church. Catholicism is a community of faith, a community of saints born from contrite sinners. If Biden fails to recognize that his actions and inactions are globally reflecting on the Church he has been baptized into, then he fails to recognize that Christ-relationship aspect of it– and that is fatal.

As members of Christ’s Body on earth, it is our holy responsibility to keep each other accountable to God. We are all on equal footing before Him. Politician or peasant, we are all subject to Divine Justice… and Divine Mercy. Pray for our president.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Treasure the lives of all those you know, even in passing. Love them, care for them, listen to them, help them. Tomorrow, they may be gone. What will you miss about them? Yes, you will miss them, even your most distant acquaintance– it is inevitable, for all human hearts are connected, and the loss of any and every one is felt. Think upon this. Do you appreciate the presence of their lives in theirs? Do you care for them? Do you love them? Because there is so much to love, in every one of them.

Kiss your children. Hug your parents. Visit your grandparents. Call a friend. Write to an old pal. Chat with the people at work. Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Love people. Life is so short, so precious. Treat every soul you know like a precious jewel, which you rejoice to look at, for every glance shows some new beauty before unnoticed. One day they will be gone, taken back to God, and all you will have on earth are your memories of them– hopefully, with them, too. Go, make some blessed memories, for yourself and others, today.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This is a story of kindness perpetuated, but it concludes with a tremulous hope. Consider this! Are you anyone’s repeat customer? Do you care about the workers at the places where you shop and eat? Do you know any of their names? Do you want to know their stories, their hopes and dreams? If you knew they were struggling to make ends meet, would you be a little extra kind, compassionate, generous? Do you thank them for their indispensable role in allowing you to have the conveniences you rely on? They are people, beloved people, and they continue to exist once they are off the time clock. They are your neighbors; they could be your friends. Do you love them as such?

Take time today, this week, to be lovingly brave and act on this, if you haven’t ever before. Say hello, smile, say thank you, maybe even make some small talk. Yes, it is an investment, yes it is a commitment to a relationship, however small. But you will bring a little more love, a little more hope, a little more joy into someone’s life, someone who may feel utterly ignored, unappreciated, and unimportant. Have compassion on your neighbor.

And remember– heaven is all about relationship. It is a community of saints, a collective unity of holy love and friendship. If you forsake human connections now, how do you expect to handle heaven? Christ commanded us to love each other, friend and foe alike. This story is a simple yet true illustration of what that looks like.

Every tiny act of kindness and compassion makes a difference. Every single one. You may never see the full effects of it– you may not see any effects at all– but God does. God is Love and He will unfailingly deliver and perpetuate all love. So give a little love, no matter how little; it’s still love, and like the widow’s penny, it carries a precious worth inestimable.
 


"Here now is the shortest and easiest way to salvation: Be obedient and sober, do not find fault, and keep mind and heart from evil thoughts. Think that all men are good and beloved of the Lord. For such humility the grace of the Holy Spirit will dwell in you, and cause you to exclaim, “How merciful is the Lord!""

-St. Silouan the Athonite

 

This is the very mindset of Heaven, in which the mercy and tenderness of God permeates all our thoughts and actions. It is so beautifully simple, for all it requires is Love!



"The Holy Spirit teaches us to love our enemies, so that the soul pities them as if they were her own children. There are people who desire the destruction, the torment in hell-fire of their enemies, or the enemies of the Church. They think like this because they have not learned divine love from the Holy Spirit, for he who has learned the love of God will shed tears for the whole world.
You say that So-and-so is an evil-doer and may he burn in hell fire. But I ask you — supposing God were to give you a fair place in paradise, and you saw burning in the fire the man on whom you had wished the tortures of hell, even then would you really not feel pity for him, whoever he might be, an enemy of the Church even? Or is it that you have a heart of steel? But there is no place for steel in paradise. Paradise has need of humility and the love of Christ, which pities all men. The grace of God is not in the man who does not love his enemies."

~St Silouan the Athonite


 

 

Love your “enemies” as if they were your own children. Be just so merciful, tender, and longsuffering with them, as a mother is towards a lost child! Are not all souls, in fact, God’s children, even if they refuse to recognize it? Their Creator is still Our God, Who loves them most sincerely with a Heart that aches for their safe return home. How could we, knowing this, not share in that same compassion for all?

There is no place for steel in Paradise. If your heart is not willing to melt for others, regardless of their offenses towards you, then you do not yet understand how God loves… you do not yet understand the power of the Cross.



"God is long-suffering and merciful to you: this you experience many times every day. Be long-suffering and merciful to your brethren, also fulfilling the words of the Apostle, who thus speaks of love before everything: “Love suffereth long, and is kind.” You desire that the Lord should rejoice you by His love, rejoice on your part the hearts of others by your tender love and kindness."
- St. John of Kronstadt

 

This is such beautiful way to phrase that golden rule– may your tender love and kindness cause the hearts of all you meet to rejoice, just as your heart rejoices in God’s merciful love towards you.



"Lead those I entrust to you in the ways of simple love, love dedicated to my divine tenderness. If people had more trust in me and treated me with respectful but profound affection, how much more would they feel helped and at the same time loved. I am in the innermost being of each one of them, but how little they care for me or for my presence, my desires, and my contributions. I am he who gives and who wishes to give always more, but it is necessary that I be desired and relied on."
-Fr. Gaston Courtois

 

To be helped, we must admit we need help, we must want to be helped, we must be grateful for the help, and we must love the one who helps us. All of this springs from humility, simplicity of heart, and purity of desire.

Think of how much Jesus helps you, always! Reflect on what He has done to save and deliver you in the past, what He does to correct and guide you on the present, and what hope and joy He continues to give you for the future. He never stops giving, because He loves you tenderly, and knows you need His help. Are we so proud that we resist this love? Are we grateful, like an affectionate child, or do we resent needing help? Take time to sincerely thank Jesus for His unfailing help today, to align our desires and priorities with His, and to reverently love Him in every moment– for He is there, within us always, our dearest friend and ever-present salvation in trouble.



"Imagine yourself seriously indisposed, and that I, who love you tenderly, call to see you. After saying a few words of sympathy and consolation, I should certainly look at you with compassion and, through love of you, make your sufferings my own. Thus when we meditate on the Passion of Christ, seeing Him in such affliction, we ought to compassionate Him, and then to remain looking upon Him in so great torments, and, through compassionate love, make His sufferings our own."
-St. Paul of the Cross

 

True compassion is to suffer with. This intimacy can only truly occur in silence. Yes, kind and gentle words are not without merit, but true consolation is of the heart, not the mouth. When we are able to simply be with Christ in His Most Sorrowful Passion, not seeking anything for ourselves through speech or actions– and especially not seeking a conclusion to the encounter– but desiring only to join Him in His pain, indefinitely even, for the sake of pure love… this is compassion, and this is how Christ loves us.



"When we receive the Eucharist, we become living tabernacles. God has entered our hearts!"


I think about this every Sunday and it just floors me. It’s enough to make you fall on your knees before the Host! …But then, what do you do afterwards? How do you conduct yourself when you walk out of the Church building? Do you forget Who is within you, literally, right then? Do not forget! Let Him shine through you! Do not put Him to shame. You have been graced with a taste of Heaven– now, with all grateful humble joy, bring that grace to others!


"The correct definition of a good Catholic is a Catholic who takes the salvation of his soul seriously."

- Ven. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen


There’s nothing more serious! Yes, our salvation should be the primary focus of our every action, especially the mundane ones. We’re always serving either God or the devil. What end do your decisions aim towards? Are your choices oriented steadfastly towards salvation? If not, where can you make a holy change today?


"Be increasingly available; be confident. I have brought you along decidedly difficult roads but I have never abandoned you, and I am at your service in my own way for achieving the grand and beautiful design of love that we have fashioned from all eternity. I told you that you would suffer a lot—but that I would be near you, within you—and that, sustained by my grace, you would never suffer beyond your strength."
-Jesus, to Fr. Gaston Courtois


 

There is a deep truth here, a shockingly joyous truth– that, when we suffer for Christ, He is near us; He is within us! If we remember this, we will embrace all our sufferings as graces from God, for they are all blessed opportunities of love.



    “The passions are uprooted and turned to flight by constant occupation of the mind with God. This is a sword that puts them to death. Whoever always thinks about God drives the demons away from himself.”

    - Saint Isaac of Nineveh, Eighth Ascetical Homily


Your mind will wander. This is inevitable with our fallen nature. Do not lose heart! Continually return to God. This persevering devotion will bear good fruit by grace just as inevitably.

In these twisted & troubled times, such a steadfast devotion to and fear of God is more important than ever. Our loyalty is tested daily.

“In Advent… we relearn the lessons of the first covenant: that we cannot make God, however we long for him; that we must be surprised, ambushed and carried off by God.”

Rowan Williams, A Ray of Darkness

Oh goodness I love this. God is the One Who must make the first move, as it were; He loved us first, after all.

That’s the strange and sweet thought of Advent– oh we do long for Him now, yes, but even when we were totally lost in sin, absolutely imprisoned, we were dearly loved by Him, and He longed to free us… but, we were helpless, powerless, confused, and despairing. We had nothing but the bleariest hope that ‘there has to be something more.’ So our merciful God did, and does, this: He bursts into our dark lives, breaks the fetters, and carries us off like a bride. That’s grace! It hits you like a whirlwind of roses, beautiful and terrible and completely unexpected. The devil is confounded, we are astounded, and no one can stop it. If your heart is at all open to it, if you have only the tiniest crack to let the light in, believe me, God will pour grace in by the tankful. Yes, it is only when He comes and gives us that grace of love that we can return it– without Him, we are useless, impotent, empty– but what lover would ever leave their beloved so alone? God jumps at the chance to lavish love upon us. Give Him the tiniest glance and He will sing about it. Grace is divine generosity and we cannot fathom that magnitude of unconditional compassion… but when it hits, it’s an ambush for sure. We cannot make God do it; that would not be love! Anything freely given cannot be forced. So we must wait, and hope, and trust, and this is Advent’s very heart– listening for love at the door.


“[H]oliness is not the denial but the acceptance of being creatures.”

Rowan Williams, Creation, Creativity, Creatureliness: the Wisdom of Finite Existence

We cannot be holy if we are proud. The humility that accompanies this total submission to God’s sovereignty is the only door through which His grace can enter and change us, to make us holy. We cannot do that ourselves. We are only clay– He is the Potter.

When we accept and freely admit our status as feeble creatures, then we also admit that we have been Created, and therefore Our Creator can and will do whatever He wills with us… thanks be to Him, that very will is to make us holy.




“The Advent tension is a way of learning again that God is God: that between even our deepest and holiest longing and the reality of God is a gap which only grace can cross; otherwise we are alone again, incommunicado, our signals and symbols bounced back to us off the glassy walls of the universe.”

-Rowan Williams, A Ray of Darkness


I feel this daily. Yes, I adore God, my heart yearns for Him, but He is God and I am a worm, a miserable sinner. That is an absolutely unbridgable gap– objectively so! No amount of tears or signs on my part can change that. “Come Lord Jesus” is all I can plead, a perpetual Advent cry from the snow of my soul. Where is the fire for the candles? It is in heaven. God has it. God must bring it to me, or I will die. This is Christmas, shockingly, gorgeously– God Himself has bridged the gap, has crossed the abyss, has descended from celestial heights just to kiss my tearful face. Christ is the Incarnate Tenderness of God, the ONLY connection between here and there, our sole and sweetest hope. God must come to us. There is no other way to meet Him. THAT is grace, and oh how He lavishes it on us poor wretches. Look to the Cross. Look to the cradle in the cave. Look at the Child, and feel His gentle warmth, that glow of compassion. When we forget Him by sin, Advent comes again. This is our life, our struggle, in this world… but the wreath is still shining. God still reaches down to light it for us. It’s all up to Him. And He is Good, and He is Trustworthy, and He is Love. Therein lies my Advent. Yes, I can never reach God– but when I cry, He hears me, and when I cannot find Him, He will seek me out. That is grace. So I shall wait for Him in the snow, and follow His star. It is all I can do… Grace will meet me there, at the gap I long to cross. Hope does not disappoint.


“...In spite of appearances, God and the world belong together. There is no place where the love of God can’t go. And that is unbearably hard to believe.”

Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, in “A Ray of Darkness” (via intrinsicallydisordered)

Paradoxically, it is only hard to believe if we forget that our God is a suffering God, a loving Father Who meets His children directly in their distress. In the most decrepit, war-torn, diseased, corrupted, ignorant, sin-wracked parts of the world and the human heart, God is there, poignantly there, because He needs to be there– He wants to be there. God’s Presence in those places is, quite literally, What allows them to persist. Suffering might also persist, but when God is acknowledged there nevertheless, it becomes a seed-ground for the most powerful mercy, charity, and justice to be proven.

God created this world. That is a fact, one that cannot be revoked, no matter how damage this world has been subjected to since. This world belongs to Him, as do we, and we are forever beloved to Him. We belong together. He is, inevitably, always with us. And that is the deepest comfort.






Saint Francis in Meditation, 1606, Caravaggio

There is so much intimacy in this. The simplicity and silence of the scene is touching, a glimpse into a private prayer, and the tiny details say so much. Everything is a quiet brown, warmed by candlelight, humble and guileless… I love that his Bible is propped open on a skull, and the beloved Crucifix is balanced between those worn pages, a little lopsided… and Saint Francis’s expression, brow furrowed with emotion, head resting on folded hands in deep thought. It’s such a natural pose but it’s not at all casual; I can feel the prayer in it, the absolute attentiveness of his soul.

God bless Caravaggio, this is gorgeous.


“But realize, every “you shall not” in the Bible is a promise of God’s protection. He is not preventing you from enjoying life; rather, He is saving you—keeping you from destroying yourself. Every command in His Word is an expression of divine love to you, His beloved child… . Adam and Eve didn’t understand this and the world is still paying for it. Don’t you make the same mistake.”

— Charles Stanley

Honestly, if God said “you shall not eat fly agaric mushrooms” or “you shall not put your fingers in an electric outlet” would you still disobey “just in case He’s hiding something from you?” Pride is going to kill us. When are we going to just trust God? Don’t we understand the nature of correction? If someone is blindly walking off a cliff, wouldn’t you shove them out of the way to solid ground? God is protecting us from our feeble human ignorance and stupidity– and I say this with humility and affection, for I personally am very stupid and ignorant, and if God didn’t love me so much I’d have tripped headlong over the Grim Reaper’s toes years ago. God loves us. God knows we don’t know the right thing to do on our own– no child does! We can’t reason out morality because our ego gets in the way. We are lost and we need help and if we would just trust our loving Father and admit our frightened weakness He would sweep us up to safety in His arms in a heartbeat.

Honestly this simple sad truth always makes me tear up so bad. Every command of God is just a different translation of “I love you.” Why don’t we believe that? Why don’t we listen to Him? Why do we think we’re missing out and run away, when our Father is really just saving the most beautiful stuff for later, when we are grown up enough to truly appreciate it? There’s nothing outside but snakes and thorns. God’s enemies want to kill you. God wants you safe. He has warned us. But somehow, we get duped. A devil offers us a fruit and the taste makes us forget it’s poison. God rescues us, chides us, and we associate our guilty pain with His discipline instead and blame Him rather than the devil at fault. Why do we keep making that same mistake? Why do we harden our hearts and pretend nothing is wrong when we sin? Why do we reject the gentle yoke? Do we not understand love?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


See, that doesn’t even count as “drag” anymore– unless you’re referring to the “old serpent,” pun gravely intended. That man is outright dressing up as a demon. No one is thinking that he is a woman– that’s obviously not his intent. He’s actively mangling femininity into a disturbing caricature, turning woman into goddess into devil. Satan is mocking Eve to this day, through people like this. Satan is turning femininity into a hideous parody and we ignorant sinners are praising it. But hey, pride is the devil’s trademark. It rots everything it touches. There is nothing beautiful or feminine in that crazed costume whatsoever. It’s an atrocity. I genuinely fear for the poor children who are being forcibly fed sugar-coated propaganda from a literal nightmare.

Seriously, pray for these people. This is spiritual warfare and they are glamour-blinded prisoners, doomed to die if they are not rescued. Their souls are very sick. Pray to The Woman who crushed the serpent– Our Lady, the Virgin Mary– to heal femininity in our world, to restore the truth and beauty God intended to every woman, and to heal the hearts of all men who do such scandalous things as this!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


insertcringename: A gay man, talking to a class of children: “Hi, I have a boyfriend. I like to hold hands with him, kiss and maybe one day we’d like to get married, just like your parents are. This is not something to be afraid of, and I hope you all grow up to be respectful people who doesn’t hate and attack people for being different.” Some of you: “oMg whY is tHiS PErsoN tAlKINg aBOut diRTy seX WiTh mY kiDS???!!??!!”
 

 

Gay people aren’t inherently more sexual than straight people, no. That isn’t the statement being made. The point is that the LGBTQ+ community has and does actively associate with deviant sexual behavior, sexual promiscuity, and mental illness. Just look at this website. This is not a criticism of individuals– this is a well-deserved condemnation of the evils of the LGBTQ+ movement.

I, personally, hold zero hatred for gay/trans folks, and actively denounce all violence and discrimination against them as people. The gay man in genuine love who just wants to spend his life with his partner is no threat to our children. The movement associated with his sexual preference is– notably in the surreptitious morally-relative adjustments they persistently attempt to make in the psyches of children.

As a Catholic, I staunchly believe in sexuality as being sacred, and only valid when chastely expressed within the sacrament of marriage, between a biological man and woman, for the sake of childbearing via conjugal love. Marriage and family are deeply important to my faith and I will defend them to the utmost.

This is where the hidden danger comes in. A gay man in love does not intend to undermine the sacred teaching of the church on this subject, but his innocent misunderstanding of what marriage is will nevertheless achieve the same end. This also goes for LGBTQ+ views on sex in general: in practice, in purpose, and in one’s biological relation to it. The more our societal views on sex are subtly twisted to a hypercasual, entertainment-based, self-serving model as opposed to one anchored in formal reverence and self-sacrifice for the sake of a family, the more our society as a whole will morally deteriorate until we are left confused and hollow at the expense of compromising our integrity.

Difference isn’t the issue. The matter in which the LGBTQ+ mindset differs is. And while I will always respect human persons, regardless of sexual orientation, I will not and cannot respect the beast of “pride” that attempts to use such folks as puppets for its own self-gratification. That’s what is corrupting our children through the media. But unless people stand up against it in these sneaking atrocities, it will swallow up the identities of SSA individuals everywhere in its glut of rainbow-stained hedonism.

That’s why they think you’re talking about “dirty sex” whenever you mention homosexuality. They recognize the ravenous wolf when they see even a friendly pup, so to speak. They don’t know that there is a difference between the two– between the movement and the man. Those who fear it, will fear you. Those who hate it, will hate you. That is wrong, yes, but they don’t understand. Not yet. Until people in general are able to differentiate between the fact of someone helplessly experiencing same-sex attraction and the optional but fatal choice to identify with the now-toxic subculture based on making that inclination into a proudly sexual obsession, they will assume that they are the same.

That thing is the enemy. Not you.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(in response to a website selling jewelry referring to Catholic female saints as "goddesses":)

“Religion isn’t just a cute necklace you vibe with.” Amen. Religion is a matter of life and death, of morals and priorities and values, of how you treat humankind and creation and time and responsibility. Religion must inundate everything in your existence, and if it doesn’t, you’re treating it like a toy instead of the solemn way of life that it is. And this, this ridiculous marketing of religion for fashion and kitschy “inspiration” is outrageously crass.

The general neopagan idea seems, to me, to be that “women are goddesses” in general; there is a frustrating and shocking inability to see women as both subservient and yet heroic. The very idea that a women could be successful, strong, inspiring, etc. and yet still be submissive, meek, and feminine, is alien to them. Hence the disturbing pseudo-worship we are now frequently seeing for such figures as RGB and Kamala Harris, and the childish abuse of such words as “fierce,” “fearless,” “independent,” “wild & free,” etc. as if female virtue was based on the traits of an attack animal. There’s also the pervasive worship of intelligence, seen in the growing hypertrust in science and disdain for simplicity, as well as the hidden fear of having to ask someone else for help. Can’t do that and be a “goddess,” now can you?

To this company, and many people in our modern society, “a strong woman cannot be submissive to a masculine God” and therefore, she is now hailed as the god(dess) instead– but in a solitary role of power, rejecting all masculine divinity as “unnecessary” or even a hindrance. This modern goddess worship is a frightening, antichrist, misandric erasure of God Himself. “Who is your inner goddess” is a garbage phrase that seeks to foment this satanic ego-worship. It’s blatant self-idolatry, not just heresy. “Non serviam,” in essence. Yet ironically, like Satan himself, they are still ignorantly imitating the very God they rebelled against– the women are trying to claim masculinity as their own, and the devil is trying to recreate everything in his own image. In trying to usurp God, they only prove His necessity to existence, and His sovereignty over it. They want His job, but humans are worse than devils in that they refuse to admit He has it– let alone that He even exists.

Worst of all, this labeling of not only female saints but The Blessed Virgin herself as “goddesses” specifically attacks the Christian God by denying the fact that His Power is made manifest in their love and humble obedience to Him. Again, rejecting the virtue of submissiveness to God. But this flat-out undermines the Incarnation, by not only refusing to grant any power to God as Father, but by also so idolizing the female that she is seen as not needing a Savior– especially not a male one. Heck, I’d say that Jesus’s profound humility and submissiveness are also seen as ironic threats to this goddess mindset, because deep down they cannot deny that there true power lies, and real Truth, and it starkly reveals the hollow pride of their stolen thrones. Mary is Queen of Heaven because of her Son and because she was unflinchingly submissive and faithful to God despite all agony and hardship. She had no power, influence, or accolades on earth! That’s not what her Queenship is about! She is forever Our Mother, Our Mediatrix, who incessantly prays for us and helps us in our needs. She seeks no glory; she seeks no reward other than God Himself. THAT is true feminine power– “Behold, I am the handmaid of the LORD; may it be done to me according to thy word.” We don’t worship Mary, and she would reject the very attempt. Seeing her idolized here is so ignorant and offensive, it’s actually disgusting.

This genuinely angers me so much, but that means I need to pray hardcore for these folks and plead Luke 23:34. We need to admonish, instruct, and forgive these terribly lost and confused souls. God can convert even them, as He converted even us.



“Be satisfied with the living conditions you now have. And do not be prompt to show your learning or skill. Hold back your remarks, No, it isn’t so-and-so, but so-and-so. Contradict nobody and do not get into arguments; let the other person always be right. Never set your own will above that of your neighbour. This teaches you the difficult art of submission, and along with it, humility. Humility is indispensable.”

— Way of the Ascetics 

This is terrifically counter-cultural. To not demand any privilege, to forsake luxury, to reject entitlement, to avoid publicity and recognition and acclaim… it’s the exact opposite of what we see in the media, in politics, and sadly even in our own homes. To place the good of others always above your own requires much grace; this virtue is not of man, unachievable by human effort alone. Man can mimic virtue, true, but pride will render those same actions worthless and repugnant before God. Pride can keep its mouth shut if it means people will praise it as a result, but it is still seeking to “win,” to be greater than others. Pride sees others not as people, but as opponents, as rivals, as servants, as adorers, even as fools. Pride cannot honor others. Pride cannot serve others. Pride cannot forgive others, or show mercy, or sacrifice. Only humility is capable of that, for humility is the crown of Christ, Who Is Love.

Yes, a simple holy gratitude fosters humility, when we remember that all we have is God’s gift, and we deserve nothing in and of ourselves. This applies to possessions as well as talents. But holding one’s tongue in check, refraining from commentary, remarks, arguments, willfulness, and attention, requires a deeper sense of one’s littleness and unworthiness before God– a sense that, without the grace of charity, will be manipulated by the devil into further twisted pride through self-loathing. No, only love can inspire virtuous behavior. Love for God is what moves us to obey Him– to submit to Him with quiet, trusting joy, knowing He does Good for us at all times. And this same love of God, overflowing to our fellow man, will make our tongue naturally gentle and kind, with no effort but transformative grace. The meek heart sees all men as fellow children of God, as beloved siblings by the Father’s Love, and such a soul cannot help but love them in return– a true and tender love, seeking always to do them good, always to show them gentle mercy.

Have faith in God’s Fidelity & Goodness; He will work this change in you for His glory and honor, if you would only ask Him with sincerity.

Blessed are the meek!



Anonymous asked,
"You know that Ada Limón poem where she’s like “i can’t help it i love the way men love”? my dad recently confessed to me that he became a shoemaker because they buried my grandma shoeless"

---

"When the plane went down in San Francisco,
I thought of my friend M. He’s obsessed with plane crashes.
He memorizes the wrecked metal details,
     the clear cool skies cut by black scars of smoke.
Once, while driving, he told me about all the crashes:
The one in blue Kentucky, in yellow Iowa.
It was almost a year before I learned
his brother was a pilot.
I can’t help it,
I love the way men love."

- Ada Limón, “Accident Report In The Tall, Tall Weeds”


Oh, how even death cannot stop love– and all the depths of grief serve to strengthen its roots to bloom. To turn loss into light, to transform sight through suffering, so that every glimpse of the grave becomes instead a fiercely tender testament to the indomitability of compassion…!

The love of a man is a love that cannot break, that never quits, that persists even secretly into eternity. There is a strength in his heart that carries thousands in fond fidelity. When a man loves, he loves with all his powers, and by his silent yet solid service to it, he will reflect the ardor of God to the aching world.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




The powerful simplicity of this image really emphasizes the significance of that Most Blessed Sacrament. We recieve the very Bread of Angels-- We recieve Christ Himself, from His Own Hands! It's enough to, fittingly, bring one to their knees in awe.

What deep reverence this inspires. May we all treasure and contemplate this sacred mystery with ever deeper love and humble gratitude.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




What stunningly intricate fabric work!! All the painstaking detail really hits home the glory and beauty of the Blessed Sacrament; the sheer careful effort carries a gravity that emphasizes the sanctity of its object. I especially love the thread-incense from the thuribles, and the subtle seraphim spaced like radiant light around the Host.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


leitharstjarna:

Can you imagine what cathedrals would have been like if the medievals had access to neon lighting?
Some Vietnamese churches give a glimpse of what it might’ve been like:


 

I am wholeheartedly here for this aesthetic, oh my goodness! Talk about a Light in the darkness, for sure!

Honestly though, why don’t we incorporate more modern artistic technology into our religious spaces? Human culture is so creatively beautiful, a reflection of the infinite imagination of God, and Christ, in becoming man, embraced and blessed that creativity too. So why not bring that part of us to the altar as well?

This is honestly why I love, so much, seeing individuals creating devotional works of art– their faith and love is overflowing into a natural and unique expression of holy adoration, something that cannot be mass-produced or automated, something truly beautiful. It’s like the legends of Christmas, with the little drummer boy being the most well-known. We offer our individuality, not to destroy it, but to sanctify it– to use it to serve God instead of ourselves.

Let’s put neon in our churches– if we are moved to do so as honest worship, not just for style. That’s the key here. It’s totally fine to give God all the glitter you’ve got as long as you’re doing it for His glory, not yours. If it doesn’t move the soul into deeper love of the Lord, then even all the neon in the world won’t mean a thing. Beauty is of God, so let’s direct it all back to Him!
 



"Humility facilitates a person’s encounter with God and sheds fresh clarity on all life’s daily problems. I truly become the center of your life at such a moment. You act, you write, you speak, and you pray for me. It is no longer you who live, it is I who live within you. I become your all, and you find me in all those with whom you come in contact. Your welcome is then more compassionate; your word is more the bearer of my thought; your writings are much more the faithful expression of my mind. Yet for this to happen, how much you must detach yourself from your ego!"

-Jesus, to Fr. Gaston Courtois
 

 

Humility is, the more I see it, a way of living in devoted love– you become so saturated with adoration of God that you don’t even think of your self-will anymore; everything you do, think, feel, and say is soaked through with the color of Christ. “He becomes your All,” but joyfully so, not begrudgingly or ruefully. Does the soul in love ever complain about doting on their beloved? Never. It is because that love insists on expressing itself perpetually; no one forces or coerces it. Love just loves, and when you are in love, you want it to take over your life, pushing your selfish impulses gently aside, and making all your choices focused on that tenderness and happy service instead. Even when it hurts– especially when it hurts, for love proves itself most powerfully in trial!

This is how we must love Christ. This is how we are to become humble. You cannot “make yourself” humble. God’s grace will accomplish that feat, in crucifying your ego and uniting you with Jesus’s own self-sacrificial death unto true life. Only then, truly, can you live for Him, in Him, through Him, with Him, because your heart’s gaze will be fixed on Him alone. Like the poet and the lover, you will see Christ in all, and sing of Him in all, and serve Him in all.



"My degree of radiance in a soul depends on how intimately I am present. But I am always there insofar as I find in the heart of a person my meekness and my humility. In the measure with which you renounce all superiority, you enable me to grow within you. This, as you know, is the secret of all true spiritual fruitfulness in the domain of the unseen. Ask me to be as humble as I want you to be, without pretense but with utter simplicity."
- Jesus, to Fr. Gaston Courtois
 

 

You cannot have an intimate, loving relationship with someone whom you deem as lesser than yourself. You may protest that you do not treat Christ as such, but do you truly? How often do you put your own desires ahead of His? How often do you forsake time with Him in order to do your own thing? How often do you disdain or treat lightly His Commandments and teachings? This is no way to treat your Beloved! The subtle slights and distractions are the worst, for they rot all sincerity out of your interactions. The only cure for such encroaching doom is, indeed, humility. Only within that queen of virtues can true ardor, fidelity, and tenderness flourish. When you humbly treat another as deserving of greater merit and attention than yourself, you are not doing so out of shame or idolatry, for true humility requires charity. Humility simply loves so fiercely and gently that the soul graced with it joyfully lavishes their attention, time, and service to the beloved, seeking their highest good and yearning to love them more fully. Superiority cannot feel such a motivation, for it demands that others treat them as such! Not so the humble heart, which thrives on self-giving and communion, and asks nothing but the grace to serve more, giving no thought to any other ‘reward’ but charity itself. That is simplicity of heart, and in that purity, we can see God.

This is how Christ lives. This is how Christ loves. Humility is His royal crown. Meekness is His robe of honor. When your heart meets Him there, in that lowly yet sweet place– a secret, quiet place– it is able to embrace Him as Beloved, without self-interest or hesitation. The more you know Him, the more you can imitate Him; then you can love Him all the more, and serve Him, and bear fruit for Him. But it all starts with the grace of humility– to put your self aside, especially in simple things, for the sake of simple love. Thus you grow closer to Him constantly, and so tenderly, as that humble love begins to inundate all the tiny aspects of your life.

Christ is the Bridegroom of your soul. Do you live that way? Do you invite Him into your daily life? Do you have that humility and guileless openness to Him yet? Do you have the meekness to turn to Him in all things, and seek to do His will with all gentle submission? Do you do all of this with fidelity in love? That is what will illuminate your life with His Light– the closer you let Him hold you, the longer you embrace Him, the brighter His radiance will shine in you.

This is all so ironically difficult to put into words. Truly the simplicity of it is proven in that. When you love Christ, the tender sweetness of it– of Him– makes humility blossom. Live in Him, live with Him, live for Him, love Him!




traumacatholic:

If you’re seeing this, please take a moment to pray for yourself and your own mental health. May God comfort you in your misery, may He steady you in your anxieties, and may He strengthen you.

You are allowed to pray for yourself, remember. If you struggle with that, I do recommend praying some of the Psalms to get your heart into the first-person mode of prayer, as well as to tune more fully into the wholeness of your emotions– sadness, frustration, confusion, joy, wonder, love. Your heart will then naturally sing out on its own, now that it has heard what the music is like.

In your most dire needs, pray for faith, pray for mercy, pray for grace. Even if all you can muster is the name of Jesus, that is His name you are calling, and like any beloved one, He will come running to meet you.

God hears you, even if He doesn’t respond in a way you can hear. Trust in Him. Sometimes the most sincere and loving response cannot be heard– an embrace, a hidden kind act, a look of deepest compassion. He will steady and strengthen you, even if He does not remove the suffering. He carries that cross with You and for You. Lean on Him, and He will be an unfailing comfort even in the face of your greatest trials. Pray for this! He will give it. He loves you.



"Let them take courage who are humbled by their passions. For even if they fall into every pit and are caught in every snare, when they attain health they will become healers, luminaries, beacons and guides to all, teaching about the forms of every sickness and through their own experience saving those who are about to fall."
- St. John Climacus


 

As someone who carries a heavy cross of mental & physical illness, this gives me such profound comfort it moves me to sobs. It really is an awful struggle, a humiliating war, but I know that God sees me and loves me and will never abandon me. Like Joseph in the empty well, like David in the lion’s den, like Job in his devastation– these trials are given to me from the Hand of God as part of His holy and salvific plan for not just me, but all of His people. If I hold strong to faith in Him, if I persevere in prayer and draw ever closer to Christ despite all obstacles, I trust that He will give me health through Christ, and the trials I have endured will now become teachings OF God’s utter Faithfulness and purposes in the most excruciating circumstances. This is the sight given to the blind, the light to those in darkness, for I too am currently blind and shadowed and frightened and in pain. But I have a fierce fire of hope in my soul, the burning love of God the Holy Spirit, Who cannot disappoint and Who will guide me through this dark vale of tears into the greenest pastures I could ever dream of. And once He has led me there, once He has navigated me safely through the pitfalls, then I will become His servant to show others the way through, too. That is my uncrushable hope. And so I will carry this cross up this hill until, with my Jesus, I finally die to death and rise in new blessed life– through Him, with Him, for Him.

Take courage, dear heart! The tomb is empty!




tomicscomics: HOW you say matters more than WHAT you say. …Right?

 

Terribly relevant to the world we live in, and the curse of moral relativism, is the disturbing fact that language matters, and abuse of words is a direct affront to The Incarnate Word– Christ Jesus, Who Is Truth, and Who Created all things By His Word. In horrible contrast, the devil is a liar, The Liar, always was and is and will be, and in his hatred for God he really enjoys twisting language until the Truth is unintelligible. Political correctness, euphemisms, slang, even misused wordplay are all symptoms of this grossly cowardly offense. If you have to conceal or costume the roots of something with your words, you’re playing the devil’s game. God does not mince words or deny reality. Your words cannot change His facts, although you might bury them deep. They’re still alive, though, and when they are revealed, there will be awful consequences. After all, you can joke about murder all you want– someone is still ending up dead.


 



tomicscomics
: We live in a society.

 

 

Oof, this is way too reflective of the state of the world lately, and not just in politics. I have sadly seen this very mindset running rampant online, especially in mental health circles, and it is lethal! Whenever we shift blame, responsibility, choice, or power onto someone else, we turn a blind eye to our own involvement– and trust me, nothing is ever a one-person affair. We all have an effect, at all times, on the people & resultant culture around us. We need to be humble enough to admit that our influence is not always a good one, even if we have no ill will. Our sins are actually contagious– you can and will spread their symptoms without actively meaning to. But you must expose yourself to it in order to catch it, and that is always your own decision! If you aren’t guarding your heart, that sinful stuff all around you will find a careless eye, an uncaring ear, or an open wound, and take root. It then festers and molds inside of our hearts, and if it’s not addressed properly, it will spread like a cancer to affect every part of us… and blaming someone else for “making you sick,” denying that you are ill, or claiming helplessness will only kill you faster, spiritually. There is a cure, but the only cure is humility & confession– admitting that you’re sick, understanding how and why, realizing that you are responsible for and seeking help from the Physician Of Souls, Christ Jesus!

In short? Don’t let pride suffocate you. Moral relativism is saying that a tickle in your throat and lung cancer cause the same cough, and it’s not a problem. Have some candy, that’ll fix it! Not so. You need to be sharply honest and discerning about the state of your soul. Your decisions matter. Your choices have consequences. You don’t get to dictate the morality of what you do, any more than you can pick what symptoms you get from a disease. So think about the spiritual environment you are putting yourself in! What are you exposing your heart to? What contaminants are you breathing & touching? Refusing to look at your hands and heart means that you’ll never see the sores and scabs adding up there. And refusing to admit that you can get sick is just toxic foolishness. Think about how you use your free will– God gave you a conscience and a brain, after all!

Knowing that the water is filthy but drinking it anyway because someone told you to is both your faults. They chose to tell you, and you chose to obey. Free will is always extant. Use it courageously. Be humble, sincere, & responsible, not a proud yet cowardly liar! Learn to stand up for the moral good. Claiming victimhood does not absolve you. Your eternal life depends on it!



tomicscomics: It’s about sending a message.

 

 

Sometimes God’s messages really are that blunt– and goofy! “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down,” after all. But honestly… God absolutely has a sense of humor, but He also tells it to us straight. He will never sugarcoat the Truth, although He might still give it to us anxiety-prone humans in a way that makes it more palatable. Just look at Jesus’s parables!

I like to think that angels delight in having some harmless holy fun, too– Lord knows their job is arduous enough!




tomicscomics: 06/04/2020

This is the sweetest thing… and it tugs at my heart for the depths that very sweetness reveals. How often do we, like Saint Joseph, marvel at the simple yet spectacular fact of the Incarnation? How often does it really hit us that God became a little boy? He went through the entire endearingly clumsy process of learning and growing, completely dependent on His parents, pure and ingenuous and so, so small! What meekness, what love– for the Creator of All to become a tiny toddler, willingly and tenderly, wanting with all His Heart to be with us in such a gentle and intimate way.

Jesus is God become man, yes, and that is grand enough– but in that very same truth, let us never forget that first He had to be a young man– a child– a baby. A boy. What a thought!



"We could name each individual raindrop and then mourn its loss when it reaches the sea, but we understand that the water was neither lost nor diminished by rejoining the vastness from which it came.
"

 

 

We all die one day, yes, but have you forgotten– we were all also born? From whence did we come? God is the one Who put us here, Who knits together our tiny bodies and breathed our life into us. But these blessed vessels are finite, and one day the path will loop back around to His doorstep where we began. We will be embraced once more in the arms of the Father Who loves us.

Remember this carefully! Do we lose ourselves here? We are not raindrops! We are individual souls, and sacredly so! God has not formed us so painstakingly only to smush us back into primordial clay. Souls don’t get recycled. Bodies don’t get erased, even if they do temporarily lose their structural coherence when we leave them. But atoms persist, and relationships, and purpose. Life is neither perfunctory nor accidental. It is also not stopped by death– only changed. We arrive here, and we leave here, for a reason, and nothing is lost, and nothing is forgotten.

Death is truly a bittersweet sorrow, for the pain of loss is s temporary one, wrapped in mysterious hope. Your dearly departed have only passed from here to there, and unlike the raindrop swallowed up in sea, you will see them again– entire, beloved, and alive.




Crucifixion and Pietà, Polish folk art woodcuts, circa 1831.

I’ve never before seen a Pietà where Mary and Jesus are crowned! That speaks volumes. In that moment of profound suffering, where the Mother held her Child in agony, in death, in apparent despair– even so, He had just conquered death itself, BY dying– and in her unwavering yet severely tested faith, she shared in the first foretaste of that victory. In that beautifully heart-rending moment, we see, with our own hearts, not a vision of doom, but one of utmost love and hope. In the Pietà, Christ has still won, and Mary is now essentially the Queen of His nascent Kingdom, having been given charge of His now Cross-saved people [John 19:26].

Christ Jesus is victorious, despite everything. Glory be to God!




"Always remember that despite how people treat you or make you feel, there’s an entire heavenly court who want nothing more for you than your good. In heaven are saints who, if they could, would come back to earth and do penance just to have you in heaven with them."
-Nichola Regina


 

This is 1000% true. That is how deeply and powerfully and sincerely you are loved by Heaven– by God the Trinity, by His Mother, by His angels, by His Saints. Yes, all of them love you. Yes, you. Tonight, right now, just as you are, in your struggles and sadness and pain and fears and even your sin. They love you. They want you to be with them in Heaven, healed and joyous and embraced in that love forever. They would leave that paradise and suffer all your agonies for you of it meant you would be delivered safely to God… and Jesus Christ, God Himself, did do that.

No human, no devil, nothing on earth, nothing in hell, nothing in all of Creation can ever alter this fact. You are loved by Heaven as a permanently indisputable fact. And when you feel most alone and unworthy, that love holds you all the more tenderly to its heart, to the very Heart of God.

Please, remember this always. Anchor your joy in it. Never lose hope. Have faith in it. If you open your heart to recieve it, I promise you, it will guide you through even the darkest nights, straight to heaven.



Painting at the ceiling of the chapel in Mergozzo (Italy).

This art is gorgeous in and of itself, but I dearly love the subtle deeper truth– Behold, the Lamb of God, in the image of the humble, pure and innocent child, but also in the Word Spoken through Scripture read in reverence, in the ever-blooming joy flourishing in all growing things through that same Voice, and– most clearly yet most mysteriously– in the infinite and eternal paradox of the Cross, the Divine death of Self-giving Love which brought true and holy Life to those who were living in mortal emptiness.

The Word of God, the Life of God, is so close to us, all the time, in such simple and profound ways… but do we behold Him? Do we recognize His reflection in creation, His recollection in the Gospel? Do we truly grasp that reality yet unfathomable– that God is with us? For so He Is, now and until the end of all ages. Behold!



"The psychological trials of dwellers in the last times will equal the physical trials of the martyrs. But in order to face these trials we must be living in a different world."
-Fr. Seraphim Rose

I think about this so often. It’s a harrowing yet steeling truth that is more visibly relevant now than ever.

Remember that key endnote: you must be living in a different world than the secular one you must inevitably travel through. Yes, your body dwells here physically, but keep your heart & mind unstained and separate! Fix your thoughts on God, and no matter what surrounds you, your soul will be set strongly in a higher place.


“I am the servant of the Lord. I will what God wills, when He wills it, as He wills it, because He wills it.”

— Novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help

Oh this is beautiful. Powerful, absolutely, and yet so beautiful! I could, and would love to, prayerfully meditate on this for a while.

This is why Mary is so lovable. What a heart she has!!










prismaticbleed: (angel)



HONY comments =

1. The love of God is tangible in this man, honestly. What sweetness and sincerity– what purity of heart! It aches that he is so hard on himself, but even that is a sign of his compassion– he wants so badly to help and care for others, to understand and do as much good as he can– and the very fear of not doing as much good as his heart yearns to do, hurts him. God bless him, so much. He is a blessing to so many!

2. …God bless this man. He gets it. He gets entirely what our faith is about. Lord, heal his hurting soul. Comfort him in his aching questions. He already is Your friend, Your son, Your beloved child. Always let him feel and know Your care, forgiveness, and mercy… let him know, that You did cry. You did, and You do. And yes– You do love him, no matter what. No matter what.

3. This, right here– this is Christianity. Faith, hope, and love, lived in communion, embracing all who suffer, never rejecting reality… bringing Christ to all who need Him. God bless these women! Eternal rest grant unto her mother, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon her. May her soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, rest in peace. Amen.

4. There is such a beautifully strange irony in this gem of a father having been quadriplegic– his severely limited movement made him into an anchor, a rock, a faithful foundation. Furthermore I am thoroughly impressed by his undaunted love, using his gifts of intelligence and creative thinking to help his daughter in frankly amazing ways. And yet, I am moved the most by the simple power of his faith in her, in his unspoken trust that she’d make it through the tough times, not only because she was stronger, but also because if she ever did stumble or falter, he’d still be there with his unconditional and unshakable love, encouraging her still. God bless his soul, and God bless his daughter, whose future life is still lit by the enduring light of that love, and the priceless reassurance of countless dollars worth of faith.

5. This man’s ardent love for his wife is deeply moving and genuinely beautiful. The sweetness, the sincerity, the dedication, the depth… his love lit up her life, carried her through sickness, comforted her in suffering, and followed her even to death and beyond. This is a man who loved his wife with all his heart and made every effort possible to show that love in words and actions both. The strength of his faith is also notable, pure and honest, and was undoubtedly the anchor of that love. He was a shining example to his daughters, and to us, of what true love looks like, and we all honor and recognize it effortlessly. It’s so hard to lose a parent, and excruciating to lose both, especially so close together, even once you have grown old yourself. Familial love is precious and enduring. But spousal love is its anchor, and in a case like this, I am unsurprised that he followed her to the afterlife. They were meant to be together, and so it was. May God bless his soul, and his wife’s. May God bless and comfort his beloved daughters, conceived and born from such a true and lasting love. May God bless their husbands and children too, that they may have the joy and grace of experiencing and living that same spousal love that their own parents exemplified.

6. This is fatherhood– and motherhood! This sort of unconditional, self-sacrificing, generous and joyous love is what makes parenthood so sacred. Tragically, not all parents live up to this calling, but for those who do, in them we see reflected the very love of God in the gift of family. This story is so beautiful because this man, and his mother, are utterly undaunted by the obstacles and challenges of life when it comes to caring for their family. They are simply dedicated to love– to love as much as possible at all times, not counting the cost. And that love always pulls through, shining brightest in the face of struggle, victorious regardless of circumstance, its beauty and tenderness memorable even when all else fades. Mothers and fathers exemplify this love in our lives, and there is truly no one else on earth who can love you like a parent can. May our all-loving God, Father of all mankind, continue to bless this man, his daughter, his mother, and all their extended family… and may He bless us, too, who are all part of our own families, to love each other more and more each day, remembering and imitating the sweet example of those whose stories touch our hearts like this one.

7. I’m moved to tears by the genuine, unshakable, and unconditional love of this gentle man. His life story here, summarized by the daughter he cared for so tenderly and joyfully, is a beautiful illustration of just how Christ calls us to love and forgive one another. May we all humbly strive to live as well as he did. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul rest in peace. 🙏❤

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“Prefer nothing, absolutely nothing, to the love of Christ.”

— St. Benedict

It is, objectively, the only thing worth anything, in any world. The love of Christ is the only real thing, the only true thing. It is beauty and joy itself. It is the foundation of all existence. It is the sole and root desire of your entire heart. You were created for and from it.

If you have His Love, you have everything.


“I assure you that God is much better than you believe. He is content with a glance, a sigh of love.”

— St. Therese of Lisieux

This is both incomparably sweet and achingly tender. What a God we serve! What love He has for us– for you, personally, specifically, intimately! How He yearns for communion with us, for the tiniest return, from His beloved children. Just a glance, just a sigh, and I am sure He sings! Wouldn’t you, from the one you adore? Do you understand, even just a little, the purest beauty and ardor of the Heart of Our Lord? How can we not fall in love, too, knowing this?



“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering.”

— Elisabeth Elliott

This speaks volumes. God IS Love. His Love is true Love. Therefore, if His Love accepts and thrives even within suffering and pain, tragedy and trials, we have to love others in the same way. And isn’t that joyous, truly? Real Love is so powerful that it does not need to be protected from dangers– it overcomes them all, facing them outright with open arms, and transmuting them into opportunities to prove His glory– despite nothing, through everything.

So remember this. God’s Love may not deliver you from struggle– it does not need to. That struggle is no threat to Love. Instead, He meets you there, victorious and compassionate, embracing it all, you and your pain both, and so saturating even your darkest moments with purest Light.



"Should the soul say to those who forcefully seized it, “Release me, that I might repent a bit,“ no one will any longer pay him heed. Rather his fearful and relentless escorts will answer him: “When you had time at your disposal you did not repent, and yet now you intend to repent? When the stadium was open for all, you did not wrestle in any of the spiritual matches, yet now when all of the doors have been closed and the time for the matches has passed, do you want to enter into combat? Did you not hear what the Lord said, “Watch, therefore, for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come?”
Think about these and similar things, my beloved, and struggle all of the time to maintain unextinguished the lamp of your soul through works of virtue, until the Bridegroom comes and finds you ready to go with Him to the bridal chamber of the heavens, together with all of the other pure souls who also conducted themselves in the present life in accordance with His Holy Will."

- The Evergetinos, from St. Ephraim

Procrastination will murder your soul. Punctuality is a virtue. Do good now– right now, however small. It is still virtue! Pennies add up to a fortune, raindrops add up to an ocean, with persistence and faith and the grace of God. A few tiny loaves and fish can feed thousands by His Hands. Do not despair, but persevere in doing good. Start now.

Fight off every temptation; always resist them and strive to uproot their roots even when off the battlefield. Say prayers in every spare moment, even a few seconds, even just the Name of Jesus. Saturate all those tiny empty spaces with God. Carry a Bible, read a verse whenever you can. It will grow on & in you. Carry a rosary, pray it even if only in short bursts. Carry sacramentals and remind yourself of their present reality & truth. If you have even two spare minutes, stop at a church and pray or adore the Blessed Sacrament. Yes, even for only a minute! Make this a habit. Alongside this, watch a Mass or do Adoration online whenever you can. Say the Liturgy of the Hours, even if you can only manage one hour at first. Set an alarm for it. Smile at a stranger you’d otherwise avoid or ignore. Be a little extra patient and kind. Make a phone call, write a letter, say hello. Share a meal. Buy a gift. Visit the sick, the aged, the afflicted. Visit a grave. Do good always and everywhere, in the spirit of Christ, Who lovingly & mercifully helped all who came to Him. Be merciful. Strive to be holy.

All we have, by grace, is this moment. The next is a gift from God’s Hands, and on until we die. Are you using this moment gratefully, for Him? Are you sanctifying your actions with holy love & service? You are in the Stadium of Life now– are you watching from the stands, or are you wrestling in the ring? Yes you may fail & fall at first, but so what! There is no final judgment call until the end, when the King returns for you! Will He be satisfied with your persevering efforts to earn His Crown at last, despite all your weakness and frailty? For He is rewarding your love, not your power– power is His alone. Will He smile at your dedication, or will He be cut to the heart at your negligence, your laxity, your dearth of fervor and devotion? Do not fear the pain, the effort, the exhaustion– it is all worth the cost. No good thing comes easily. Be a warrior for God, a soldier for Christ, against the onslaught of demonic attacks and moral relativism and your human pride. You will only regret not picking up your sword. Even a child’s effort is viewed with genuine admiration, for we see their burning heart, not their inexperienced arms. They do not fear, or even concern themselves with, the size of the task, the struggle of the fight. They know only what must be done, and without any doubt or hesitancy, they rise to face it. Childlike courage is still pure courage, and it is true, albeit immature. They will grow into a great saint, if they persist in the grace of God. But it all starts small, so small, so vitally small. Start there, with the seeds of great trees. A spark is needed to kindle even the greatest fire. Do not give up.

Fight the good fight, right now!



"Not much experience is needed to be fully aware of human weakness and to understand that human beings—and especially the young, who are so exposed to temptation—need incentives to keep the moral law, and it is an evil thing to make it easy for them to break that law. Another effect that gives cause for alarm is that a man who grows accustomed to the use of contraceptive methods may forget the reverence due to a woman, and, disregarding her physical and emotional equilibrium, reduce her to being a mere instrument for the satisfaction of his own desires, no longer considering her as his partner whom he should surround with care and affection."
- Saint Pope Paul VI


 

Similarly, I fear women may be affected in the same manner! When a woman sees the gift of pregnancy– and by extension, the blessing of having a body that can conceive and bear a child– as something expendable and unimportant, even annoying or a hindrance, then she sees the entire reality of her womanhood as worthless. When a woman accepts and uses contraception, then she sees the miracle of sex as irrelevant… truly, she doesn’t see it at all. When sex becomes separated from conception, there can only be disaster, for you have mangled and sliced up the natures of your own bodies. Affection, care, tenderness, reverence, and deep love all vanish when the seed of life is stomped upon. When the blessing of children is labeled as a curse, then sex itself becomes a curse, too– something disfigured beyond recognition, bringing only death.

This is why sex and marriage must be united, never separated, just as sex and conception must be revered as one and the same. The family unit is a reflection of God, of the love and relationship of the Trinity, so perfectly seen through God’s tender work in the Holy Family. Marriage must emulate this beautiful example. Sexuality must be so respected and honored. Children, the natural fruit of the womb, must be equally cherished and never cut off. This all begins with how we see the disturbing phenomenon of artificial contraception, produced and used solely for the sake of turning sex into an empty and dirty play-thing instead of recognizing it as an inherently sacred and intimate act of life.

We must never understate the absolutely central significance of this issue to the very heart of society and human culture as a whole.



“The most important person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral—a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby’s body— The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God’s creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation… What on God’s good earth is more glorious than this; to be a mother?”
- Venerable Jozsef Cardinal Mindszenty

Reflect on this awe-inspiring reality for a moment, a truth we take for granted and tragically forget the holiness of... every soul incarnate on this earth is here because of a mother. Women are the gates of love through which God sends life into the world. Yes, a man must unite with her as a key, but this beautiful cooperation serves to further dignify both! The man who unlocks and the woman who opens are both reverently, wonderfully dignified in the work of God, Who gives them a child through that gate of love.

But oh, what a marvel is motherhood. Nothing else on earth can do what a mother does: to form a human body to house a human soul. And-- do we truly grasp the gorgeous gravity of it?-- she forms that tiny body from her own body, from the materials that her own cathedral consists of. As she breathes and builds her own temple, as we all do daily, she now naturally takes from those same sacred resources and, with God's invisibility perfect direction, gives them up to God for the sake of sheltering another soul. This deeply loving sacrifice of life is so amazing, so worthy of the greatest respect! Every mother works with the Master Architect Himself, the One Who knits bone and sinew and blood all together, by giving her womb as His workshop of wonders, and there He gives us life anew. Life! Real, fragile, true, breathing and blessed with a heartbeat-- a baby. What joy.

Yes, what suffering too, but what is love without suffering? Do we not adore the Cross in its eternal testament to this fact? The joy is worth infinitely more than the pain. The miracle is worth any and every price to accomplish-- just ask a mother. My own mother went through so much to get me into this world, and she has never once regretted it-- indeed, she now rejoices that her sacrifices allowed for my birth to occur. She sees me and does not mourn the struggle at all; she remembers seeing my tiny face for the first time, and cherishes it to this day. She is my mother, the gate and guardian of my life, through whom God Himself put me here, and I will honor her always. Thank God for motherhood.

"Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." (1 Corinthians 3:16-17)

Protect all children! Protect all mothers!


"Don’t worry if your heart won't respond: do the best you can. You are certainly under the guidance of the Holy Ghost, or you wouldn’t have come where you now are: and the love that matters is His for you - yours for Him may at present exist only in the form of obedience. He will see to the rest."
-C.S. Lewis


No matter how deep the desolation, God is with you.

When you feel utterly hollow, when you cannot even remember what love and joy feel like, then lift your poor ragged heart to Him nevertheless and pray– “Lord, I want to love You. I want to obey You. I want to rejoice in You. But I have no strength of my own; I cannot feel anything at all. Without Your help I am lost, and I know You do not want to lose me. So please– help me.”

Pray no matter what. “God, my heart feels empty, but I still love You. I choose to love You even if I cannot feel it. And I know You love me even if I cannot perceive it. Please give me the grace to act accordingly. Do not let me give in to despair.” Trust God, radically so, and hold on to hope like the life-raft it is.

Love is the most powerful when it is tried by fire. When love is given the opportunity to prove itself in the face of great opposition, it secretly rejoices to crush the odds. Oh, it does. Watch a dandelion bloom through solid concrete. Watch a billion breezes carve out the Grand Canyon. Love is unstoppable, by virtue of its existence– feelings don’t affect that fact whatsoever. Yes, it is wonderful and good and right to feel it, but it can and does exist outside of them at times, vital times, to show you that it will. Act upon the reality of Love, despite every obstacle, and you will soon find that it has taken up deeper roots in your heart than it ever could have otherwise.

Consider the spiritual dryness to be a form of anesthetic, if you will. God has to do deep work to plant His holiness ever the more strongly and solidly in your soul. So, at times, you won’t be able to feel things. But those are the times when the most profound growth can occur… if you cooperate with it. So, beloved, do not fear. Do not despair. Hope carries you like a mother, Faith protects you like a father, Love makes you His child. Live according to that calling, no matter the numbness, and watch miracles eventually occur– for the Holy Spirit will, indeed, see to the rest.



"Remember that true holiness is accompanied by pains and tribulations from within and without, by attacks of visible and invisible enemies, by trials of body and mind, by desolations and prolonged aridities; “and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution” (2 Tim. iii. 12) —that is to say, all sorts of trials from demons, from men, and from our rebellious flesh. Be generous, and remember that you ought to walk in the footsteps of your Redeemer. We must not serve God for the sake of His consolations, but because He is worthy of being served."
-St. Paul of the Cross


 

 

I’ve been reflecting on this frequently lately, and taking note on how it feels in my heart, with the immense struggles, pains, trials, & confusions I have been recently afflicted with.

When love is deep, true and honest, consolations are cherished indeed but not sought. It’s so wondrous. True love will and does love the beloved for their own dear sake– not because of any gain, recompense, acknowledgement, or even personal comfort.

I love God, and when He lays His Hand upon my life in suffering, I may indeed become frustrated and frightened because I feel lost and helpless, but does this make me angry at God? No! Do I spurn Him? Never! I instead realize all the more that I need Him and must trust Him more completely. And I can only do this because I love Him.

Demonic attacks are horrific but the devil only attacks his enemies. Mental and physical trials are exhausting but Christ’s Passion gives me fortitude. Desolations and aridity feel like death itself but Life has risen from the grave and I must be faithful to that, to Him, for His sake alone. Even when I am dry as a desert in my soul, He is Living Water, and if I persist in prayer and devotion to that truth then I have a strange sort of pure satisfaction, even if I don’t get any rain. The ocean still exists, and I love it dearly, and that is enough. Yes I want it in my life, but God understands infinitely more than I. Only He knows if and when I truly need consolation. And I must surrender completely to His Holiest discretion.

I have faced a great many awful trials and will inevitably suffer more. My body and mind do throw fits and scream and wail in pain. Often my prayers are just terrible wracked sobs, “God help me; I don’t understand but I trust You; Please sustain me with Your grace,” etc. But deepest down, it’s love. Somehow, still, it persists, like flowers through concrete. Love itself is actually consolation enough. Even when my emotions tank, I know that God is Love, and that He loves me because Christ loves me, and Mary loves me by Him too, and even on my worst & empty days I want to love God and strive to act accordingly, even feebly, even if despair tells me otherwise. This simple reality of divine Love is an unfailing hope, an anchor against all storms.

I thank God for this grace and beg Him to tend it in my soul, so that pride is crushed at its inception and devils are guarded against. I weep that I am so unworthy of it. But I post this to give some gracious comfort to others in their hearts that love God too. The Holy Spirit is with us. Do not trust your feelings; many beautiful truths are intangible, yet they remain. Love for Love’s pure sake. God will do this in You. All glory be to Him!



"Our guilt begins from the point when we favorably incline ourselves toward a passion that has been observed; that is, we do not rush to acknowledge the enemy and do not arm ourselves against it with anger. On the contrary, we accept it and begin liking it, delighting in the impulse in which it appeared. This already shows that we have no objection to being familiar with the passionate, and, subsequently, enemies of God. “Because the carnal mind – the passionate - is enmity against God” (Romans 8:7)."
-St. Theophan the Recluse


 

 

Key points here:

1. Acknowledge that the passion is the enemy. Name it as such, without justification or excuse. Admit that you are inclined to this evil– don’t let pride deny it. Confessing your weakness is the first step to combating it at all.

2. Be angry at it. Be furious that such an evil is tempting you against God! If it is His enemy, it must be your enemy– no exceptions.

3. Refuse to become friendly or familiar with these passions. Turn them away at the door– don’t let them in even for a minute. They may still persist in knocking, so you must persist in resistance. Struggle is not failure. Fighting is your only hope of freedom.

4. Remember that, without God’s help and grace, you can do nothing. Pray always, pray earnestly, pray unceasingly.

If you too suffer great guilt from giving in to your weakness to passions, bring this before Christ with all humility, and begin the battle again with the merciful assistance of Our Lord & Lady. Do not despair! Fight the good fight of faith!



lilaccatholic: Lol literally the devil is so boring and dumb. “You’re worthless” And? Even if that were true Jesus still died for me so clearly there’s something worthwhile in there. Die mad about it.

thor-nn: image

Seriously though, REMEMBER THIS.

Worthless? Never. Satan knows the God-given worth of your soul– otherwise he wouldn’t be trying so hard to steal it!! He’s a petty liar and manipulator.

Satan wants you to despair and die in sin. God wants you to trust in His infinite Mercy and live. God LOVES you; if you doubt that for a single moment, just look at the Cross. Jesus died to save you before you even knew Him, before you even cared, because He loves you that profoundly.

Remember the parable of the prodigal son. God is waiting for you on that road home, arms open, heart open. He already forgives you. You just need to open your heart to admit your need of it, and run into His saving embrace.



"I know that no one has ever seen or heard God, except the One who comes in the name of God: he has seen the Father (cf. Jn 6:46). But I also know that he speaks to me every day in my inmost depths, and I hear him in the silence that gives rise to mutual listening, the desire for communion and love. God is a light that illumines and radiates noiselessly. His flame blazes, but its brilliance is silent. God shines and blazes like a sun. He burns like a furnace, but he is inaudible. This is why I think that it is important to allow ourselves to be inundated by God’s silence, which is a voiceless word."
-Cardinal Sarah


 

Now that American quarantine measures are being relaxed, and summer festivities are beginning, the troubles of secular entertainment and noise and busyness are flaring up in the baleful heat. Be warned– you cannot hear God in all that chatter. Make time to sit in stillness and silence this summer, for the sake of your soul. Listen to the quietness of the Heart of God. It is the only way to survive spiritually.


“I implore you, brethren, never to break or despise the rule of this prayer: A Christian when he eats, drinks, walks, sits, travels or does any other thing must continually cry: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me.’ So that the name of the Lord Jesus descending into the depths of the heart, should subdue the serpent ruling over the inner pastures and bring life and salvation to the soul. He should always live with the name of the Lord Jesus, so that the heart swallows the Lord and the Lord the heart, and the two become one. And again: do not estrange your heart from God, but abide in Him, and always guard your heart by remembering our Lord Jesus Christ, until the name of the Lord becomes rooted in the heart and it ceases to think anything else.”
-
St. John Chrysostom

 

This is a holy truth and it works. Only by this constant recitation of prayer can our hearts be kept on the straight and narrow, and the tempter chased away. Oh how easily our hearts get distracted and stray! But this little powerful prayer brings us home.

Abide in Him so! It is achieved by such small yet incessant rededications. Breathe His name, drink it in like water. Let it inundate you in every moment. Do not despair if you slip– just return quickly, pleading mercy, and He will embrace you again.

This works. It is achievable by all through grace and love and hope. Just think of Christ, always. Just turn your thoughts to Him whenever you can, and He will increase this frequency of visits– He will wholeheartedly requite your feeble yet honest love.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me!


"God is saying that it will be hard for believers. The more you enter into the mystery of faith, the harder it will be in this world. You will become more and more aware of the idleness of this world, the hustle and bustle, the rhythm. Music, conversation, worldly festivals will become alien to you. And the more you feel the sweetness of the spiritual, the harder you will feel the spiritual lowliness of the carnal, all that our world lives with today. But there is no need to be afraid! All things can be overcome when the Lord is near. He has overcome the world…"
-Hegumen Raphael (Bolevich)

 

 

Despite my great sinfulness and unworthiness, I can attest to this– it is indeed so hard to dwell in the carnal world now that my soul has tasted, however briefly, the sweetness of the spiritual! It frustrates me to tears, the progressively more alien world and its desires, both without and within. I frustrate myself to tears, when I do not enter into the mystery of faith as frequently and fully as I truly yearn to. Sometimes this hardness, and my weakness, drains me almost to despair. But I must not. There is one undying Hope, and that is Christ my Lord! He can, and has, overcome all things. I must meditate on that. Christ has overcome the world… what does that mean to my soul? It means this hardness cannot and will not last. Only Christ endures. In the end, and even now, He triumphs. With that thought in my poor heart, I can carry on.



“We are at times reduced to a material or animal perseverance, or even to simply being there, like a rock, without really knowing why, nor to what purpose. It is like a narrow room without light or air. Still, one goes on by a sort of gravitational law. Later, one realizes that perseverance is a pure grace, independent of any personal merit. Then, the Spirit once again breathes life into our dried bones; we get up and go on.”
-(A Carthusian)


 

 

Perseverance is a pure grace.

Lord, what a terribly wonderful truth that is. When we have nothing left, when we are hollow and empty and lost, God is still there, and He alone lifts us up, and because of Him we go on.

When I hit rock bottom, and I cannot so much as lift my head on my own, I will cling to this truth. I will cling to grace. It is all I have left, and it is all I need. God alone is sufficient. Hope does not disappoint.




prismaticbleed: (angel)


“…what higher, more exalted, and more compelling goal can there be than to know God?”

— J.I. Packer

What other true and honorable knowledge is there, but that of God? What other knowledge lasts for all eternity, and is not reliant on faltering human thought to discover? What other knowledge is worth seeking above all other things? There is none. Truly, we need to prioritize our holy role as students of Our Lord, and spend dedicated, devoted time every day learning more about Him.

Pray, read your Bible, read the Catechism and other holy books, and go to Mass. There is no loftier, lovelier goal in this life. Know God as deeply as you can now– this will make the hope and joy of heaven’s knowledge all the sweeter.



Q: What hath God done for you?
A: God hath made me, He keepeth me, and He can save me.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

God has, literally, done everything for me. I wouldn’t exist without Him. He knit me together in my mother’s womb, He knew my name before I could breathe, He had me in mind before the stars were formed. He created me and everything and everyone that I love and treasure in this life… but He is my truest love and treasure, because He loved and treasured me first. He put that love into my heart by loving me and by being Love and making me to share that love with Him. It’s all too magnificent for my little heart to comprehend, but I will think about it forever, and rejoice in it.

God made me, He keeps me made– He teaches and guides and disciplines and corrects me– He protects my body and soul, my mind and heart, He counts every eyelash and blood cell and breath. He loves me more than I can ever imagine… so how could I ever imagine I could be forgotten or lost? Never, never, not to the One Who Loves. I tremble that in my weakness I can get lost, but I find undying hope in knowing– knowing!– that my Good Shepherd will seek me out, this feeble frightened lamb, and carry me warmly home, safe on His shoulders, singing.

God can save me from anything. God can save me from everything. I need only trust in that Truth. I need only to believe in Him, in What and Who He Is. And when I remember that He Is Love– when I see His Love, proven forever on the Cross– oh, I do, I do believe. I can be saved, and by Love, by God– by grace, merciful grace– I will be.



"Thank You, Jesus, for never leaving my side no matter what I go through."

I think we all need to be regularly reminded of this. It’s such a simple yet staggering truth.

No matter what we go through– inside or outside, joy and sorrow, laughter and pain, beauty and terror– Jesus is with is. He Incarnated so that He could be with us, in all of the situations and circumstances of being human. There will never be a moment in your life in which Christ is not there with you. You are never alone, even when you feel you are, fear you are, or wish you were out of shame. Christ is there, steadfast and sincere, His Heart overflowing with love for you, no matter what. He is with you, always… and not even death can change that.

Thank You, Jesus, for staying with us. Thank You for loving us so much that You even want to stay, even when we’re at our worst. Thank You, Jesus, for You.


spacekrakens: I need some prayers today, ive cried like twice today even in math class and im scared im gonna break down in my next class
 

 

Oh sweetheart I am praying for you. God sees your tears and He cries with you; Christ shares your suffering and is holding your heart safe even if you cannot feel it through the pain. I pray that He continues to uphold you through whatever is causing you this great distress– and that He also blesses you with healing through both tears and joy at the right times. It’s all important. But cling to Him now, when you feel weak and fragile and scared. He will be your shelter, He will give you strength, He will help you breathe. Trust in His gentle and tender love for You. God bless you. 🙏💙

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saint Dismas is arguably my most beloved Patron Saint. Everything about his story speaks so strongly to my heart, in the most powerfully bittersweet ways. He means a lot to me– as does the hope that Christ has given another poor sinner like me, through him. Lord, remember us! 🙏

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


“To give life to someone is the greatest of all gifts. To save a life is the next. Who gave life to Jesus? It was Mary. Who saved his life? It was Joseph. Ask St. Paul who persecuted him. Saint Peter who denied him. Ask all the saints who put him to death. But if we ask, “Who saved his life?” Be silent, patriarchs, be silent, prophets, be silent, apostles, confessors and martyrs. Let St. Joseph speak, for this honor is his alone; he alone is the savior of his Savior.”

— Blessed William Joseph Chaminade

We tend to overlook this stunning fact because Saint Joseph never sought recognition or praise for his humbly heroic actions– He acted solely out of Holy obedience and love. But it is for that very reason that his actions truly do merit the highest praise and recognition! Saint Joseph, who gave your whole life in silent love for our Savior, may your name as his father be forever blessed!



alwaysabeautifullife:

Good morning time to talk about Dad (St. Joseph) again

-is cool

-powerful

-he’s my dad now
 

I’m doing the 33-day consecration to Saint Joseph and it is honestly life-changing. He is such a holy, loving, powerful, blessed man! My love for him as a saint and as my spiritual father is deepening daily, and I am so grateful.

So yes– Saint Joseph is, indeed, the coolest dad. 💛


em>

"When the Enemy of your souls whispers, “You have lost all, you cannot be saved,” answer him: “I do not despair of my salvation, for I have a compassionate and long-suffering God. And this conviction upholds me in my belief that He who commanded that we forgive our fellow man for his transgressions against us even seven times seventy - that He, by the same token, will forgive the sins of all who with their whole souls turn to Him.”"
-The Evergetinos

 

 

I forget this simple yet powerful truth so often: that Our Lord commanded us to forgive others so graciously, and that He also forgave those who crucified Him even as He died– and that in both cases, there was no apparent contrition or even awareness of wrongdoing. So why do we despair? Do we so easily and wrongly assume our God is as cruel as we are, so unwilling to pardon offenses, so unable to let go of grudges and old wounds? Do we, in hating ourselves for our weaknesses and failures, assume that God would inevitably hate us too? Do we so quickly forget that His Ways are infinitely more righteous and Holy than ours? And do we even more tragically forget that such righteousness and holiness includes compassion, gentleness, longsuffering, and mercy?

Do not despair. When you feel hopelessly crushed by the weight of your sins, look to the Cross– Christ carried that weight for you and still does, out of purest Love. Look to Him and find hope in the profound meaning of His Pierced Heart– that eternal spring of deepest mercy. As long as you sincerely lay your own heart bare before Him, confessing your sins, He will wash them away with the utmost loving care. Do not be afraid. No matter how lost you feel, Jesus waits to give you all the grace you need.


"A brother, possessed by sadness and melancholy, went to an Elder and asked him: “What am I to do? My thoughts present me with the idea that perhaps in vain I denied the world, and that I cannot be saved.” Pensively, the Elder answered him as follows: “My child, even if we do not succeed in reaching the promised land, it is better that we should give our carcasses to the desert than return to the Egypt of fearful enslavement” (Number 14:29-33)."
-Evergetinos, Volume I, Hypothesis I


 

God is in the desert; He is not in the hedonism and pagan idolatry of Egypt. The desert is brutal and frightening and harsh, true, but God is there in that golden suffering– purifying your heart, mind, and body to become holy! Yes, it is far better to die in the desert struggle than to rot in the corrupted city, for if we do not reach the Promised Land in this life, we shall still have the hope of reaching it in the afterlife, by the loving mercy of God, Who we have so striven to pursue and imitate here. It is tempting to return to the alleged comforts of the world, but remember– all that is ephemeral and subject to death. It is only through dying to this death that we will recieve true life and rest with God. Your sacrifice for Him is never in vain. Keep this truth in your heart when the trials are fierce; God is trustworthy, and there is always hope in Him.

 


"Another brother asked the same Elder: “Father, to what does the Prophet refer when he says, ‘there is no salvation for him in his God” (Psalm 3:3)?“ The elder gave the following response to the brother’s inquiry: “He is referring to thoughts of despair, which the demons place before the sinner, saying: ‘Neither now nor hereafter is it possible for God to save you.’ With such counsel they try to cast the sinner into despair. But a person must contrast these thoughts with the words of Holy Scripture: ‘Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He shall pluck my feet out of the snare’ (Psalm 24:15).”
-The Evergetinos



 

Psalm 3 continues as the Elder says=Many say to my soul: ‘There is no salvation for him in his God.’ But Thou, O Lord, art my protector, my glory, and the lifter up of my head… Salvation is of the Lord: and Thy blessing is upon Thy people.”

The demons do indeed quote Scripture, but they never quote the truth of it. They leave out the wholeness, the context, the heart. Ironically, the best way to refute them is to prayerfully go straight TO Scripture and read the entirety of what they are misrepresenting. In any case, you are now safe in the Word of God, a sure and unfailing weapon against all falsehood and despair.


“Do not enter into dialogue with temptation. Allow me to repeat it: have the courage to run away and the moral strength not to dally with your weakness or wonder how far you can go. Break off, with no concessions!”

St. Josemaría Escrivá: Furrow, n. 137

The serpent is smarter than you. Admit this with fearful humility; admit your weakness and crush your proud desire to test or try it. Flee immediately to Christ, like a child who knows that he has no strength of his own and needs his Father’s help! There is true courage in this– only a fool speaks to the snake, whose only goal is to poison him.



prismaticbleed: (angel)


Dear followers,

I once again beg you for spiritual advice and clarity.

I am struggling with great despair. I am currently convinced, terrifyingly, that God hates me due to my “being made of evil” and my many repetitive sins. I keep seeing the devil’s number, and every time I open the Bible to read a verse it is about damnation, punishment, and eternal death. My soul feels corroded and filthy. I cannot feel the Presence of God, nor can I hear Jesus anymore. It’s all cursing and shouting devils. Even my sleep is plagued by horrific nightmares about hell.

I am so scared. I feel that my final judgment has been passed. But I need God’s grace TO be good and obedient; I am so wretched I CANNOT do anything but sin. I am hopeless. I have become so selfish, hot-headed, cold-hearted, and stupid. How did this happen?? Is this the real me? I feel like God is so utterly disgusted by my lukewarm hypocritical excuse for faith that He has slammed the door, spit me out of His mouth, said “I do not know you” and thrown me into the dark to wail and sob forever.

I apologize for such an ugly post on such a beautiful day. But I cannot enjoy the beauty of creation today when my monstrous existence is tainting it by even looking out the window. All around me I see the consequences of my sins. I cannot bear it.

I need help, desperately, and right now I don’t know how to pray. I’m afraid and this is the only thing I can do right now.

I do not deserve anything but revulsion. And yet here I am begging for scraps of compassion, pleading for mercy. I cannot help it. My state is intolerable. I have this last dreg of hope and that’s it.






The Resurrection of Lazarus (La résurrection de Lazare), James Tissot

 

I love this depiction so much. Look at the body language of Jesus compared to everyone else! It’s so striking.

Martha & Mary are both wide-eyed in fear, one falling back in genuine shock, the other stunned speechless. Those gathered behind Christ, dramatically lit, are also visibly perplexed and agitated, mouths agape, their faces ghastly. Lazarus himself, a dead man now living again, reaches out almost blindly with one bandaged arm and raises the other above his eyes– a clear gesture of wonder, of utter amazement. His expression, too, although unafraid, is still intense with emotion, his bright eyes and open mouth almost childlike in their rebirthed joy.

And then there is Jesus. The only figure in a stable position, vertical like a shaft of light, wreathed by a doorway like a portal to heaven itself, he stands in transcendent white like the resurrected Lazarus below, with only his peaceful face and powerful hand highlighted by singular shocks of mysteriously Incarnate red. His other hand is resting gently on rock, His feet are moving calmly yet encouragingly forwards as if to greet a friend, His body as a whole– as well as the luminous folds of His robe– are pointed in the direction of the rising dead, and yet He is still obviously unmoving, anchored on the steps, unshakable.

Lazarus faces an unseen light, its beauteous yet blinding gleam washing over the rest of the scene with a shockingly unnatural glare, an unexpected underlight that turns all other faces into hollow skulls– except for Jesus. The light is somehow soft on Him, but it does not soften the strength of His expression, which is notably solemn and serious amidst the likely shrieking crowd. Thus, here, where we may be seeking the comfort of a smile on our Savior’s face, to match the brightness of Lazarus, of the miracle occurring at His Word, we must instead recall a significant detail… Jesus has just been weeping. He is not smiling, not now, because until this very moment His friend has been dead. Lazarus has been in the tomb for four days, and although Hope Himself has now come to lift him out again, that Hope cannot fully manifest unless it has faced the threat of despair. We all know this. What is hope, if not for what we cannot see? What could we hope for, if we had nothing yet out of reach? No one but Christ truly believed He could do anything. Magdalene was distraught, Martha wavered even after professing her faith in Him, and others openly mocked Him! Christ did not despair, but everyone else did. Yes, Jesus knows very well that death has no power over Him, and He even proclaimed it openly prior to this scene, but above and beyond the doubt surrounding Him is the simple truth that this fact has not yet affected Lazarus, not until this very depicted moment, and so a special sort of grief has its very tender and proper place in the heart and eyes of Christ. He does not condemn human emotion. Yes, He condemns their lack of faith, but He empathizes with their pain nevertheless. Death still exists, however conquered it may be in the end. Yes, Lazarus will rise, but he is dead now, and for the honest sake of that moment we grieve. He grieves. This is profound. His tears for His dead friend speak volumes, as they were shed by Life Incarnate, even only minutes before the tomb would be opened. And thus His face here reflects that lingering truth, that divinely loving sorrow that motivated such a miraculous intervention, that single sentence– Jesus wept– that can change our lives just as much as they did the life of Lazarus.

Our own ‘resurrections’ in this life might not always be pretty, but they are blessed, and they are joyous. Jesus may not be smiling as He calls with thundering voice– “Lazarus, come out!”– but He loves us with an infinite love even then. He may not embrace us as we rise, covered in bandages and dusty from the grave, but He holds us tenderly in His Heart even then. Jesus brought life to the dead even through His own tears, even despite the disbelief of all around Him. He can do the same for you. If we believe in Him, we, too, can see the glory of God. There is always hope.



Collect for the Crown of Thorns - Friday after Ash Wednesday
 

Grant, we beseech Thee, almighty God, that we who for remembrance of the pas-sion of our Lord Jesus Christ do reverence His Crown of thorns on earth may deserve to be crowned with glory and honour in heaven by Him Who liveth and reigneth with thee.

“Soberbia” means pride, grandeur, worldly magnificence, arrogance… it is the strut of the peacock, it is the hand-fan of sophistry, it is the decadent fashion from which the devil’s awful claw protrudes. Yet what fate awaits him and his shallow pomp? He is doomed to be trampled underfoot by the Lord, by his angel bearing the true sign of powerful glory– the Crown of Thorns! O what a wondrous paradox: that God’s own Son was pleased to be dignified by suffering, to show His nobility through humiliations, to conquer through submission to the mysterious yet loving authority of His Father! This Crown now becomes His gift to all His children who wish to conquer the devil’s vices in their own lives. Let us all become accustomed to its beloved stings during this Holy Lent, that we may be more truly outfitted to join Him in carrying His Cross.



“A religion is not the church a man goes to but the cosmos he lives in.”

G.K. Chesterton

Modern society doesn’t seem to comprehend this. Religion is not an accessory, an interest, or something you do on weekends. Religion is the air that our heart breathes. It animates us entirely and colors our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Religion directs our dreams, fears, motives, and pursuits. Religion explains our life, our death, and what comes after. And it does all this by explaining to us our proper relationship to God, and by extension, to His Creation, especially our fellow man.

Religion is, indeed, the cosmos we live in– the order to our chaos, the grand and beautiful design that holds all things together. Religion, like love, is a state of being.

Do you recognize this? Do you honor religion so? Or do you treat it fatally lightly? Indeed, if you have no religion, what, then, is the cosmos you live in? Or do you let this chaotic world determine that for you?



“By His Resurrection, Christ conquered sin and death, destroyed Satan’s dark kingdom, freed the enslaved human race and broke the seal on the greatest mysteries of God and man.”

—St Nikolaj Velimirovic

The Harrowing of Hell– its fact, and its depictions– mean so much to my weary soul. As someone plagued daily by demons of mental illness, I frequently feel as if I am genuinely in a sort of pseudo-hell while still on earth. Therefore, I just as frequently cry out to my God, my merciful and loving Lord, to “come and harrow this hell I am in”– to break it up entirely, to disturb its very nature by entering it and thus to deliver me into His infinitely consoling arms.

It is a simple, strange, desperate prayer, but it is a powerful one. And it has not once gone unanswered. 🙏


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My grandma has the news on and they just had an ad for an upcoming film, and I am in shock, in tears and trying hard not to legitimately vomit.

We Catholics NEED to speak out and stand strong against films like this-- films that are horrifically offensive towards the Catholic Faith, and serve to not only undermine its integrity in culture, but also blatantly attack it at its heart. This is sick. Hollywood needs to stop waging war against Christ, especially as it simultaneously promotes and praises new-age, paganistic religions and any other spiritual mindset that supports or cooperates with it in turn.

DO NOT watch such films. Don't even watch the commercials. Avert your eyes; safeguard your heart against such toxic imagery and ideas. Pray. Pray fervently for the conversion of sinners and this country, for defense and healing of the Church, and especially in reparation for sins committed against the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts!!










prismaticbleed: (angel)



I have a very pressing question about mortal sin.

What, exactly, is it? I’ve been struggling with the concept for a while especially the thought that someone could actively choose to offend God. Is such a choice possible if one fears God?

My personal terror and struggle is that, although I desperately wish it were false, I have been diagnosed with mental illness, and even without those I know my thoughts and perceptions are not in line with those of a normal person. The compulsions, addictions, & delusions I battle daily result in repeated sins that I weep nightly about and yet feel genuinely powerless to stop as a result of intense dissociation and/or obsessive fear despite pain. The compunction is choking.

My priest has told me that, because of my mental illness, I have a hindered sense of agency? But I don’t understand what this means. I don’t know how this affects the fact that I DO sin horribly, constantly, against my true will. I just… do things, screaming inside all the while to stop, terrified because I don’t know how. It’s awful. But it’s still sin.

I don’t pray enough. I hear angels and devils and Mary and Jesus constantly but I don’t pray enough. What counts as prayer? I keep hiding my face because I can’t stop sinning and I’m so afraid. But if I prayed more I’m sure it would stop. Can I sacrifice my will to God? Can he override the fearful abusive cycles? I don’t feel like I have power to choose but I factually do and that’s mortal sin. I hate it.

I love God. I adore God. The very thought of making Jesus hurt or sad or angry terrifies me to the core and leaves me shaking and sobbing and, too often, incapacitated. I know I’m still going to end up sinning. And how am I supposed to explain that? I don’t want to get out of bed because life is studded with moral landmines and I’m tired of how filthy my conscience has become. Existentially horrified, yes, but also tired. I feel like I’ll never achieve a state of grace for longer than five minutes. How am I supposed to function?

I typically don’t talk about these things on this blog. But I haven’t been to confession in weeks because I am so mortified, and frankly I don’t know WHAT to confess anymore. There’s too much and it’s all so tangled. I feel like EVERY sin I commit is mortal because I KNOW I’m not living up to proper Christian behavior. My very life is a scandal. It’s unbearable. I can’t even seem to understand how to feel sorry anymore, even though I know I don’t want to sin. What’s the difference? AM I sorry? I can’t tell, and it’s killing me.

Advice, questions, criticism, and prayers all help. Be honest please. My soul needs truth. Thank you so so much.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is commonly in a somewhat cynical sense that men have said “Blessed is he that expecteth nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.” It was in a holy, happy and enthusiastic sense that Saint Francis said, “Blessed is he that expecteth nothing, for he shall enjoy everything.”"

St. Francis of Assisi, G.K. Chesterton

God owes us nothing– everything is a gift from Him, even every breath.

When we humbly view all of life as a gift from God– graceful, undeserved, generous– then, truly, our only “expectation” and our only desire is to see God’s Will being done whether in poverty or prosperity… and it will be done! Therefore we are never disappointed, and we are always rejoicing in gratitude for His ever-Good dispensation.


"They ask what cruel kind of God could have demanded sacrifice and self-denial. They will have lost the clue to all that lovers have meant by ‘love’ and will not understand that it was because the thing was not demanded that it was done."

Saint Francis of Assisi, G.K. Chesterton

You cannot love without wanting to give yourself away completely– and that requires sacrifice and self-denial. We see this in every genuine human relationship, most notably in motherhood and fatherhood, including the equally genuine courtship that leads up to marriage, rejoices in it, and endures for decades within it.

Outside of marital love, we have the saints, who love God with the same ardent exclusivity and intimacy, and whose love then spills out onto all of humanity. And truly even the married are called to be saints, for how can anyone love without first knowing what love IS– God Himself? We MUST know God and His Love for us before we can feel and express the same. Therefore we must know Jesus Christ, God become Man, Who sanctified human love and gave us all a perfect example of it, Who promised His Spirit to grace us with that same blessed capacity for it. Through Him, With Him, In Him, we can love.

God IS Love. Christ IS God. That profound fact alone is enough loving reflection for eternity itself.


inhallowedground: I’m a rather morose Catholic (I enjoy intensity, gravitas, silence) but whenever the choir at church busted out “Lord of the Dance” !!!!


 

Same here, but gosh that song still makes me weep, especially when it hits verse four:

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black;
It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.
They buried my body and they thought I’d gone;
But I am the dance, and I still go on:

It’s definitely upbeat but the message is so achingly triumphant! Honestly it’s a beautiful anchor for holy meditation. Just… thinking on Jesus– Lord of the cosmic Dance, Singer of the undying Song, Joy unending and infinite Love– rejected and hated and spited and bleeding and dying and yet still dancing, singing, smiling, loving. Divinity pure and untouched, united perfectly with humanity bruised and broken, embracing it, encompassing it, and teaching us how to dance despite the darkness too.

I’m a cantor and I frequently get choked up when I sing truths such as these during mass. It’s inevitable. There’s too much love and beauty not to.

Catholicism is full of gorgeous paradox like that and so much of it expresses itself perfectly through our hymns; I love it so.



“We are not saved by obedience, for obedience is the result of salvation! We are saved by faith because faith leads us to obey! Faith is weakness clinging to strength and becoming strong through so doing.”
— Charles Spurgeon

And the undercurrent of our faith, and therefore also our obedience, is charity… Love for God. Without love, our actions– however outwardly pious– are lacking in honest grace.

Love anchors faith, inspires obedience, and ignites courage. In love, we have the strength we need to rely solely on the strength of God, Who loves us first, and Whose Love IS the root of our salvation.


“Do not say, after spending a long time in prayer, that nothing has been gained; for you have already gained something. And what higher good is there than to cling to the Lord and persevere in unceasing union with Him?”

- St. John Climacus

Prayer is communion with God. Even if you don’t “feel” or “hear” anything in response, take heart, for that is not the point. Prayer itself is gain, for it is an expression of love, trust, and faith in God. It expresses our reliance on His Mercy and Generosity, His Patience and Kindness. It glorifies Him as the Source and Summit of our life. Prayer is about God! We are blessed, privileged indeed, to be able to pray to Him at all, and to know that He hears and listens with genuine attention and compassion.

So do cling to the Lord in prayer, like a child who loves to honor his loving parents, who loves to write them letters, who loves to talk to them about anything and everything. Persevere in this unceasing act of intimate affection, of filial praise, of joyous communication. This gift of prayer is truly a blessing to us. Pray always! Stay close to God, and He will in turn stay close to you… as close as you pull Him to your adoring heart.

God is gain. If we have Him, we have everything.

Persevere in loving prayer. This is joy.

 


604: once again truly need your prayers guys, sorry im asking so much lately but if you really could spare a minute to put everything down and pray for me i would be so grateful

 

Praying for you with great compassion in my heart. 🙏 God hears you and He sees you, you are always in His thoughts, He loves you immeasurably especially when you feel the most hopeless. His mercy endures forever. You are precious to Him, He created You on purpose and with joy. However weak you feel, He will be your strength. He will guide you through life until you come home to Him at the end. No matter what shadows menace, He holds you close. Your soul is safe in His profound protection. Trust this! It is amazing, but it is true. He is in control and all His purposes are good. You can rest in His Heart knowing this.

Many prayers for you dear friend. We are grateful you exist. ❤



"You must bear the spiritual infirmities of your brother gladly, and without annoyance. For when someone is physically ill, we are not only not annoyed with him, but we are exemplary in our care for him; we should also set an example in cases of spiritual illness."
-St. Moses of Optina

 

 

Love your “enemy”– for he is pitiably sick, and prayerful love in action is the best medicine you can offer him.

So love always. Love everyone. Love in everything you do and say and think and feel. You never know what responding capacity for love you will help bloom in another soul.
 



"Pay attention to my gaze. You know that you never leave my sight. If only you could see how I gaze on you, with such love, tenderness, and desire! This gaze, attentive to your innermost choices, ever-benevolent, encouraging, is always ready to sustain and help you! But hear this! You must encounter my loving gaze in faith, desire it in hope, and cherish it in love."
- Jesus, to Fr. Gaston Courtois

 


Pay attention to Him with everything you are. Nothing else matters.
Do not let His Love go unrequited!!

 

"Grace me with the vision of your face, O Word, with the enjoyment of your ineffable beauty. Allow me to contemplate and find my delight in your vision—ineffable vision, invisible vision, awesome vision . . . the reflection of your divine glory, which allows itself to be seen as a simple light, a light most sweet."
-St. Symeon the New Theologian
 

How inexpressibly blessed we are to be able to look upon Our Lord while here on earth-- while we are still yet miserable sinners! Do we realize how amazing of a privileged grace this is? Do we take advantage of this glimpse of Heaven as it is so freely given? What bliss! What mercy! What love!

Pause and let it sink in: we have the opportunity to contemplate the Face of God, and to not die from it. How lukewarm we have been in our response to such overwhelming mercy and love. We should run to adore Christ Present in the Most Blessed Sacrament. We should prioritize this above all else. But Jesus instead waits in nearly empty churches for us-- for you. He looks at the empty pews and seeks YOUR face, specifically. He loves you. He waits for you. Why do we forget this? Has the weight of that truth ever really pierced our hearts?

Lord, call us still. Call us back to You. Let us still enjoy this profound grace-- the grace to see Your Face, and there find all beauty and truth and glory and sweetness-- the full exultation of heaven veiled in that simple white Host.

Pray Saint Symeon's prayer with all your soul. Say every word with sincerity. Seek the grace to imitate and truly feel that same ardent devotion.

Heaven is the incomparable joy of the Beatific Vision. If the expectation of that honestly fills our hearts with longing love, we should rejoice at this foretaste here on earth, and seek to participate in it whenever possible.


 





 







prismaticbleed: (angel)



I have long been upset that we do not have an Advent Wreath at home, so today I made my own. 💜🙏🕯



I saw this and instantly burst into tears.

I’m so tired of the world lately. I’m so tired of being alive. And now I can’t even go to church, my one refuge. I spend my days sobbing uncontrollably. All I want is God. Everything else is just miserable vanity.

But this, this is just… joy. Jesus, my Jesus, arms open, welcoming me, light and flowers and beauty, all of it feeling exactly like a homecoming– so simple, but purely so, perfectly so. I cannot put into words how this makes me feel, what weeping bliss it breaks into my heart. I want to run into His arms and stay there forever, forever, laughing with final relief and love. I’m home. It’s over. I’m home with my Lord and the hells below will never touch me again.

God knows I don’t have much time left here. I know. I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of not absolutely inundating every millisecond of my life with God while I remain– which I haven’t been doing as the daily war of illnesses is hell and the lack of monastic-grade worship is making it more of a hell. But I don’t give up, God help me. This is my hope. This image is exactly the goal that keeps me breathing.

Jesus, when its time to come home, I’ll come home rejoicing. Until then, let me keep my heart fixed on that thought. Keep the lights on for me.





The Varieties of Religious Experience (Series 1) Church of the Gesù

Mother Church of the Society of Jesus, the Jesuits.  Contains the tomb of St. Ignatius Loyola and many other saints.

Just take a few minutes and genuinely look at each photo here. Take in the depth of beauty, skill, and devoted love evident in the grandeur of architecture and art. Look at the natural glory of the light and space from God’s hands that perfects it all. Realize that every inch of this gorgeous church exists solely for the praise and worship and love of God– a temporal glimpse of the eternal bliss portrayed in that third photo, in the presence of our beloved Lord forever.

I could legitimately live here.




As the Lenten Season of penance and prayer begins, Catholics are called again to tread in the Way of the Cross with Christ… Despite the crown of thorns and reed scepter, bother intended as mockeries of Christ’s claims, His Divinity and majesty are evident. The persecutors of the present day, who force Christ’s Mystical Body to undergo the humiliation and suffering of the road to Calvary, will also find at last that Christ is truly King and that His divine power cannot be overthrown by earthly tyrants.

His divinity transmuted everything He touched, awakening deeper truths within it all. Those thorns are a true crown, for through humility and suffering Christ became King over all the earth, whereas a crown of gold would have been hollow and superficial. That reed is a true scepter, a sign of power through the most weak and broken thing, the ability of God to reign both through what the world deems useless, and to rule over the world and its empty power with those same humble means.

Behold, the Man– the true Man and the true God, His revelations a divine paradox, understandable only by the pure and simple of heart! May we walk His holy road with Him this Lent, seeking to imitate His divine example of blessed poverty of spirit and body, in order to ultimately share in His boundless riches in heaven!

We are His Mystical Body even today, and we must embrace His Cross in our lives all the more ardently in these terrifying times, for it is only through uniting our sufferings to Christ’s Passion that we, through Him, can rise triumphant despite it all.



Running this through Google Translate gave me some unexpectedly poignant results…

“I am yours, take Me back.”

“I Will; Uphold Me.”

“I Am. Receive Me.”

Just… what truths. Take Christ back into your heart. Obey His requests and defend His Word. Christ is born, both in history and in our hearts, then and now and always– He Is, so embrace Him!

We are worth more than many sparrows to the Lamb of God.

We are His, and He has come to bring us back to Him.




The Nativity by Gari Melchers

This is the mysterious glory of the Incarnation– that God Himself became man, became a tiny infant, in our shoddy gritty shadowed world, in time and space and temporality.

Jesus existed as the Light of the World right there in those dusty streets.

He still does.

And just… look at Saint Joseph. Mary is resting, exhausted from the effort of birthing divinity, as any of our souls would and will also be… but now, there is the Child; here is the Child, Light shining out of darkness, and His foster father is just looking at Him. Wordlessly, he gazes on in awe and wonder, perhaps even with some fear over what this means, what this will bring, in this world– but above all, he looks at Jesus Christ with tender love. He probably doesn’t understand much of what’s happening but that doesn’t matter here. He trusts in God, and he trusts in this Infant before him, fragile and small and infinitely brilliant, impossible to comprehend but there, alive, breathing and loving and his child.

I really, really love this painting.




The Cathedral of the Annunciation, Moscow, Russia

I suddenly find this so fitting, the golden-white warmth and beauty standing strong amidst the frozen black trees, the frigid grey sky. Yes, I adore winter, but I adore it’s beauty, the glory of God’s creative dream manifest in it, whether or not I’m freezing as a result. It’s beauty is constant, despite all inhospitable conditions.

And that’s what I see here– the Annunciation, the proclamation of perfect beauty in the very midst of a tumultuous world, despite all pain and hardship and sorrow and fear that marred man’s heart, and would continue to do so. Rejoice nevertheless! Christ has come, and His glorious Presence turns even the coldest snows, bitterest winds, and harshest ice into things of gorgeous gratitude. Christ transmutes it all– unfailing light and warmth in the dead of winter– and it all began with the Annunciation.




A church, burned and destroyed by ISIS during the group’s occupation of the predominantly Christian town of Bakhdida, Iraq.

The town was under ISIS rule between 2014-2016 when it was liberated by the Iraqi Security Forces.

Try as they may to destroy the buildings, those who oppose Christ can never destroy the true Church, for it is founded upon unshakable truth and grace.

Even now, these ruins speak in tragic triumph to the soul of their message. Although no mass is celebrated there now, the simple sight of the altar and icons is enough to move a heart to resolute rejoicing, to worship and gratitude, to an act of loving recognition of God despite destruction’s futile efforts to silence it.




Ecce Homo, Titian
 

I love how His Face looks so bruised, like the red He is holding… and yet there is this profoundly sad gentleness in His eyes, and that divine yet softly ineffable glow around His thorn-wrapped Head.

Behold, The Man. I adore every portrayal of Our Lord Jesus like this.




Mouth of Hell. Speculum humanae salvationis. Bruges. Ca.1460 Chicago, Newberry Library

Hell is so disturbingly carnal. Demons are always naked and wrathful and salacious and hungry. Hell itself is portrayed with a literal mouth, gulping down the damned, as heaps of animalistic devils ravenously chew and bite and devour fallen souls. It’s blood and spit and sweat and screams. There’s too much flesh, too much physicality. Hell is something far too tangible.

Inferno, Canto 24. The Divine Comedy. Gustave Doré ~ 1885 

What scares me the most about depictions of hell is how many people are in it. All of them, wracked with blind fear and awful despair… oh how we must strive to lead souls away from such a fate!



The Fall of the Rebel Angels (detail). Matthias Berckmans ~ 1643 Kerk Sint-Gummarus [Lier] 

The textures in this are terrifyingly fascinating. That’s something I’ve noticed in art– that holy angels are textured by their beautifully billowing garments, while fallen angels are textured by contorted coils of flesh. Just looking at the writhing bodies here, the pain and rage of hell is nearly tangible.


 

Des douze Perilz d'enfer, Robert Blondel. Bourges ~ ca.1480 BnF via Bibliothèque Infernale on FB

There is a harrowing power in the condensed message this painting. It’s something I love about medieval art like this– space itself is relative, so that the image becomes more symbolic than literal.

Here, we see Adam and Eve cast out from Eden, but they are entering what appears to be a castle gate– the doors to the “gilded prison” of the world. Furthermore, this is juxtaposed against the fall of the rebel angels, also cast out of God’s presence and into the world, their stolen kingdom and castle… a horrifying sight, marked by the angel’s flaming sword, as if in solemn warning to the first couple that disobeying God is never a small matter.

I also like that the blue of the angel’s wings reflects the distant glory of both heaven and the faraway scenery– something beautiful that we yearn for and must strive to eventually reach. Heaven is the faraway kingdom, and we only can reach it by means of God’s gracious help, for no fallen thing can ever crawl back up, nor can anyone cast out of Eden ever reenter. But, through Christ, we can be reborn, restored, and re-initiated into heaven’s pure light, and that is our greatest hope.




Knight, Death and Devil. Aleksandrov ~ 2012 via Bibliothèque Infernale on FB

Ahead of every Christian soldier looms the fact of his terrible death, and behind him creeps the fact of his terrible past. Yet he must pay no heed to their whispers, their mockeries, and their attacks, for they only seek to drag him from the straight and narrow path. The Christian soldier must put on the full armor of God and march ever onwards in steadfast faith, knowing that in Christ neither death nor the devil hold any power over him.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me…



Tower of Babel. Aleksander Mikhalchyk. Ukraine 

At first glance, this great tower does seem wondrous– but keep looking, and its utter hollowness becomes obvious. This is nothing but a monument to man’s pride and selfish ambition, striving to reach the glory of heaven but never able to either achieve or imitate its beauty. It’s just rock and rubble in the end. Without God, even the most magnificent work of human hands is worthless dust.



Isaac Blessing Jacob, 1670, Bartolome Esteban Murillo

I’m studying Genesis 27 right now, and I dearly love how intimately this historic moment is presented here… how commonplace it feels, with the holy scene indoors juxtaposed against the unaware outside world. I also really love that Rebekah is there, too! I never imagined the scene that way, but it’s a notable and sweet addition.

The use of color and shadow in this is sublime as well. It’s a joy to the eyes, as much as its content is to the heart.



Descent from the Cross, 1311, Duccio di Buoninsegna

 

There is such tenderness in everyone’s postures, actions, and expressions here– but my heart is just breaking at Mary.

I can’t even find words to describe her, here. It’s beyond words. I could meditate on this moment of ineffably mournful yet triumphant love between her and her Son for a very long time.

I really, really love this painting.




A mosaic of The Last Supper from the Benedictine Sisters’ Clyde Monastery Chapel in Missouri.

What strikes me the most about this is that Judas is almost visually invisible. He is lost in the shades of the mosaic around him– whereas all the other Apostles stand out clearly. It’s quite a heavy symbolic warning of the gravity of sin, especially that of hypocrisy in religion.




Our Lord Jesus Christ (Notre-Seigneur Jésus-Christ), James Tissot

This image of Jesus is overwhelming; it moves me to weeping. It is so beautiful, yet so powerful. I am stunned with love of Him Who loves me.

Behold, our Lord, His Hands pressed to His Heart, His Face solemn and serious– hear His unspoken words, this physical declaration of His ultimate Incarnated Love! Understand the importance, the gravity, the ultimate end and goal of the Truth communicated here: God is Love, and Jesus is God, and Jesus is Love, and that infinite eternal Love is there, here, tangible, tender and true and powerful within that Heart, beating for us beneath His Hands!

He is our Lord! What is there for us besides Him? He is our joy, our hope, our peace– He is our Everything, and He wants to be our everything; He desires so strongly to give us all He is that He even became a man like us, to live with us and love us in an intimately human way, in a way so staggeringly close that, I wonder, if we truly grasp the hugeness of it. God became a man so He could live and die for love of us. His death, cruel and tragic, merciless and bloody, He suffered at will so that we could be pardoned and live. His death was and is the righteous sentence for our sins and God Himself, our Judge, became also our sole source of pardon before Him, because He loves us and wants us to live– truly live, free from sin, full of hope, and able therefore to love Him with hearts broken in reciprocal love.

I honestly could speak His praises forever from the surge of ardent love I feel in beholding this image of Jesus. He is my love and my life, and that’s what hits so hard about His Hands and Face here– He knows this, and He knows how crucial, how vital, how monumental the Truth He is not only indicating, but Incarnating, is… and He so tells us, in this gesture of unfathomably passionate love hidden beneath humility, that we must never take this Truth lightly.





Annunciation, 1897, Carlos Schwabe.

I love how Mary is almost completely covered by light and flowers here– it highlights her selflessness, her focus on God alone. Surrounded by emblems of holiness, purity, and fruitfulness, a water jug at her feet, Mary becomes the bringer of Living Water and Divine Light to the whole world, the sweet fragrance of heaven itself clinging to her clothes.




The Annunciation
Cornelis van Poelenburgh—1635
 

The composition of this is stunning– with the clockwise embrace of clouds and angels leading to Gabriel’s outstretched hand, but ending right at the door, leaving Mary framed by a complimentary curve of earthly shadow. It’s the only thing separating them.

But that door feels like Christ– it feels like Mary’s ‘Fiat’ that brought Him into her world, down from heaven and into the flesh. She became His door to earth, and through her, He became our door to heaven. But no one else could open it– not even Gabriel, nor any other celestial power. He only revealed this potential passage, through God’s ultimate question, and gave her the choice as to what to do. And she said yes– yes, I will open the floodgates of heaven! Yes, I will open the door for Him! And thus, the divine was wed to the human, and Jesus Christ became man, in the womb of the humbly blessed Virgin Mary.




Alfred Agache (1843 - 1915)

L'Annonciation, 1891

Mary, Gate of Heaven and Star of the Sea, surrounded by their infinite blue, the vine above her reaching upward to the unseen realms where the True Vine she was about to conceive also hailed from.

And Gabriel, humble and honored, dressed in surprisingly earthly tones, knows he is not the focus here. He signifies the bringing of heaven to earth, foreshadowing the Son of God being wrapped in flesh, indistinguishable from any other earthly man in mere appearance. But these two figures, messenger and Mother, know the Truth about to be manifested– that the human girl dressed in heaven’s hues was to conceive God’s Son Himself as a little boy, and so unite both their realms and realities… the grandest end, in the humblest beginning, in this small exchange between two souls before the endless sea and sky.




Annunciation (detail)
by Michael Wening

The Christ Child was conceived in Mary’s Immaculate Heart even before He came into her womb.

So it must be with us, spiritually– we, too, must echo our Blessed Mother’s “yes” to His birth in our lives, letting the Divine Infant be conceived in our hearts, letting Him become the Lord of our lives, bringing Him to all we meet with humble yet exultant joy.




Annunciation
Mikhail Nesterov,

I love the dignity Mary shows here. Her “Fiat” is given with total willful grace, total surrender in love. There is no hesitation, doubt, fear, or confusion in her here– only humble pious finality, her agreement being the unbreakable foundation of Jesus’s coming Gospel on earth. The fruit tree blooming above her prophesies this, the divine Fruit of her womb coming, too, from above.

Lastly, I also love how Gabriel’s wings are that same gorgeous blue, the hue of heaven that so embraces our Blessed Mother.




Anunciación de Jaime Serra (Zaragoza, ZARAGOZA).

It always stuns me when God the Father is portayed with Jesus’s face– because that’s literally the only visible face the Father has for us. Yes, we can recognize God’s Presence in all of Creation, and we can acknowledge Christ’s Presence in the hearts of those who receive Him, but to see the Face of God? In the Old Testament, that very visage would strike you dead– innocently but inevitably, as no mortal mind could even comprehend His Face, let alone lay eyes on something so transcendent, so holy, so Real.

And then the Annunciation happened, and immediately, God began knitting together a Face for Himself in the womb of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Jesus is how we can look at God. The Father is seen in the Son, both literally and figuratively. Jesus Christ IS the “Face” of our Creator, in such a directly intimate way it moves one to tears– for only through Christ’s eyes can God meet our gaze with the most incomprehensibly tender love.





Details I love in this: the softness of Gabriel’s wings, the gentleness of their hand positions, the practically tangible light around the Holy Spirit, the way lines and angles all flow together in harmony, the delicate colors, Mary’s foot.



I really love this. God and Gabriel, moments before the First Mystery of Joy came to be– and dear Mary, as yet unaware of her most blessed role in salvation history. What a thought.



crawlingtowardchrist:

Always remember why we are Christian. God’s sacrifice is so unimaginable, incredible, and more than any one of us could ever do. Today is the day that Our Lord showed how much He loved us, and how much pain He would go through to save us!


 

This is the heartwrenching, gorgeous, terrible and beautiful paradox of Easter– that this awful truth of Christ’s bloody yet loving sacrifice of Himself has purchased for us eternal life and salvation through Him, through that same love.

Christ Crucified is not an image of death. This image, this vision of unimaginable pain, is also a declaration of unfathomable love. Christ chose this suffering in order to deliver us from damnation. This is how dearly He loves us!

This same Jesus who submitted to death has conquered death, victorious in His humble obedience, and has so opened the gates of heaven for us to enter through His holy example. Let us rejoice in this greatest of hopes, and now let us allow Him to wipe away our tears, for He Who Died has now been raised from the dead and lives forever!




“And may the God of peace, who brought again from the dead the great pastor of the sheep, our Lord Jesus Christ, in the blood of the everlasting testament, Fit you in all goodness, that you may do his will; doing in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom is glory for ever and ever. Amen.” - Hebrews 13:20-21

(The Risen by Severin Benz) +

He is truly risen!!

I love the use of color and shape here– the hard square browns of the rocky tomb elicit thoughts of the Cross, especially with the blood-red shroud draped across it at such a sharp intersecting angle. Yet from that same point, Christ’s crucified foot rises above it now, with beautifully billowing waves of purest white, the robes of our Living God wrapped about Him like the very clouds of heaven. Around Him, the blues of evening twilight brighten into the golds of dawn, night into day, darkness into light, even as He transmutes death into life. His Wounds still visible, His Cross now held as the banner of triumph, Jesus has been resurrected, and now points us to the heavenly Kingdom, Himself the Way, Himself the Victory.

Alleluia!!



“Make me a channel of your peace!” -St.Francis of Assisi 

This is arguably my favorite image of any Saint and Our Lord. The tenderness and devotion of the Love between Christ and Christian, made even more powerful by the Cross and Blood, and driven home by the shared Stigmata, strikes straight to my heart.

I could meditate on this image for years.
 


Reblogging this for everyone else with a cross of chronic illness, its constant reminder of mortality, and the feelings of helplessness and despair that may bring. Never give up. Keep faith, keep hope, keep joy, all of it in God. Fix your heart so firmly on Christ that nothing can shake you, for His Love will hold you secure. Although our bodies are dying, and inevitably so, Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life, and through Him– in Him, with Him, for Him– we have the promise of life eternal.

Never give up. The end is not the end.




Gerard van Honthorst, The mocking of Christ, ca. 1616-7

I think about this painting a lot. I can’t get over the striking contrast between the contorted faces of the shadowed men, loudly jeering and laughing, and the utterly innocent surrender of Jesus Christ, completely unresisting, His Face soft yet profoundly sad in the light, even with a rope around His neck, even with the red thrust rudely into His Hand, even with His Head pierced and bleeding. There’s a genuinely visible divinity about Jesus here, hidden to worldly eyes, right in the midst of suffering and mockery. It’s very moving.



Saint Joseph, look, I’m tired tonight,

But somehow I think that you care;

For being a father and one who works

Are things that both of us do share.

It tires a man, yet the heart is high,

For, Patron Saint, it’s all worth while.

Its rich reward is a loving wife,

And joyous light in a child’s smile.

O, Father, Worker, bear with me,

Help me, Joseph, to do my best,

To love, protect my family

Till work shall cease and Heaven is rest.

 

[My beloved grandpa died two years ago this April. We found this little prayer card as we were cleaning his work desk three days ago. I daresay Saint Joseph did answer this sweet petition for him. He is indeed now at rest, and today I specially remember him with love as I share this with you. Happy Father’s Day to all. 💛]




tomicscomics: It’s too soon for him to realize it’s too soon.
 

I actually love this because yes, those wood & nails DID hurt Jesus eventually, but! He still followed His dad’s advice, in a profound way– Jesus was ‘bullied’ worse than ever when He was crucified, His feelings being not just hurt but His Heart entirely broken… and yet, Jesus chose the Cross. He chose it when He was hated by the whole world. Jesus chose the wood & nails when others may have fought back or cursed in vengeance. Jesus bore all the hurt Himself, so no one else would have to, and He did it out of mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Carpentry ironically proved to actually be the literal answer for everything, in that Cross. Father knows best– pun intended!




Richly detailed stained glass like this really pulls at my heart, as the stunning colors and intricate artwork serves to glorify the portrayed truth in such a special way.

The luxuriant hues of the women’s garments speak symbolically– Mary’s blue speaking of the Divinity in her womb, the white attesting to her virgin purity; Elizabeth’s red humbly attesting her mortal age yet the gold of God’s light lifting it to miraculous fruitfulness! Even their halos speak: Mary, green as the new Eve, the true Garden, crowned with the gold of God’s power alive in her… Elizabeth in violet, inspired by the Holy Spirit to praise the Son hidden before her, this same color even highlighting her right foot, turned towards His Mother, turning her aged life to a new eternal life in following this new and beautiful Way.

The angels quoting the Gospel on their banners are truly gorgeous, their faces peaceful yet joyful, their very presences unseen by the women in time yet proclaimed by us in recognizing wonder. They elicit feelings of mysterious bliss, a trembling awareness of the incomprehensible God at work in this seemingly mundane exchange, a conversation that the eyes of the world can neither revere nor respect, but which the Children of God see and know and love for its eternally profound significance.

Religious art is a magnificent gift to God’s people, a gift given by Him and for Him, for His glory and love and gratitude. May all artists in His Church use their talents wholeheartedly for this holy purpose!



Pacecco de Rosa, 1607-1656
Salome with the head of Saint John the Baptist
 

This is, in my opinion, one of the most disturbing portrayals of this event. It immediately strikes you how YOUNG Salome is. This girl, practically a child, danced for her stepfather and his lustful guests, then had her own mother use her to request the coldblooded death of a prophet, even John the Baptist, the harbinger of Christ Himself. And this child likely was completely ignorant of the great evils she was both the key player in and enabler of. Had she no conscience, no sense of moral propriety, no questions of motive? But this painting answers that, to me. Look at her face, at her blankly passive eyes, a child doing what mommy and daddy want and simply pleased with that, yet fatally incomprehensive of the greater immoral underpinnings of her obedient actions.

That backdrop of utter detachment and empty motive makes John's doom all the more awful. The greatest Prophet's mouth is open just beneath Salome's ears, but death is not what silenced him. Those who could hear him would hear him even in death. No, John's words were smothered only by hers, her simple fatal and terrible demand-- for regardless of the truth, regardless of the bigger picture, she neither knew nor cared nor concerned herself with it... and so, here, on that wretched silver platter, he is just a severed head.



Saint Jerome Writing, 1605, Caravaggio

I feel such a deep love for Saint Jerome, honestly. Just these images of him… an old man, alone in dark silence, devoted to studying the Word of God. I live with my beloved grandparents so I know the wrinkled forehead, the bald pate, the worn and fragile skin, the white and fraying hair. I also know the strength that illumines even a fading body through faith. I see that sliver of a blessed halo above that downturned face in holy focus and I genuinely love this Saint, this old man who adores the Lord, and I cannot wait to meet him in heaven, and I pray to imitate him more while I grow older on this earth until then.

Dear Saint Jerome, pray for us!




“Our Lord sometimes makes you feel the weight of the cross. The weight seems unbearable but you carry it because in His love and mercy, the Lord helps you and gives you strength.”

-Saint Padre Pio

This is so true– and the sculpture illustrates it so beautifully! Look at our Lord, how He leads us with gentle but unshakable reassurance! To imagine myself in Padre Pio’s place… it actually makes my heart ache with love. What joy there is to carry the Cross with Christ! ❤🙏

 



I never tire of meditating on the mystery of Christ’s Agony in the Garden. It’s heartwrenching and unfathomably deep. Christ, the Son of God, was in agony over what He was about to suffer for the salvation of mankind– He was going to do it, He wasn’t running away, but He asked His Father for mercy nevertheless. “If this cup can pass from me…” and He wept and sweated blood and pleaded with His friends to keep Him company and He suffered.

It’s… too much for my heart sometimes. “Not my will but Thine,” and He meant that sincerely, but it didn’t abate the pain, and that means a great deal to remember. Seeing my Savior like this, crumpled in sobs and desperate prayer, awaiting His own gory death… the Creator of the World Himself, trembling, helpless, fragile, and small in the shadows of the darkly knotted trees… it’s truly a divine mystery. And it’s just as beautiful as it is sorrowful.




Detail from Christ Crowned With Thorns, Dieric Bouts, 1470.

I am sure our Savior wept, silently perhaps, but still with His entire aching Heart, during the tortures of His Passion. He incarnated partly to share our weaknesses and pains, to be able to fully understand and assist us in our own torments… and He incarnated entirely to die. His saving death gives us life– but so, too, do His Tears, in a less literal way. Jesus wept because He felt every pain we have ever felt. He knows our afflictions. He knows how much it hurts. And so His Holy Tears flow with His Precious Blood, as He bears the Crown of Pain itself, the King over even those things that hurt us. He is Lord over all, and there is not a single thorn in our lives that He has not felt first. He is with us in every ache, crying with us, and loving us entirely.

Won’t you comfort Him in His sorrow, He Who wept to comfort you?




Simon Marmion - Man of Sorrows (c. 1460). Detail.

Presented so starkly, it becomes an honest shock to remember that nails were hammered through His Holy Hands. Nails! Big metal nails, sharp and solid, punched through flesh and sinew and bone and into raw wood… and then, after hours of world-changing agony, they were pulled out again– what an awful yet holy task!– leaving garish wounds, big bloodied holes, in their place.

Have you ever bled so? This sight, of red running down His arms in fat sticky drops, have you ever suffered similarly? True, nothing you have endured can compare to this, these sacred traumas, but can you empathize? Can you feel a twinge of shared suffering? Does your heart wince, imagining His great anguish, your own scars a mysterious reminder of His?

And His Pierced Side… oh, no human soul can fathom!

Look upon Him and tremble with grieving love! Weep with sorrow; reach out to comfort Him Who was crucified without consolation for your sake! We all suffer our splinters and sores, and we know how bitter injuries can be, so give this solace to your Savior, that you will endure your future pains with humble remembrance of His!

“Be not faithless, but believing.” (John 20:27) Reach out and feel His Hands, even here, even now. Behold thy Lord and thy God!





The Flagellation
This rare 18th century Spanish colonial figure represents The Flagellation of Jesus Christ. Hand carved and polychrome painted wood with inset glass eyes.
Unknown Artist.
 

Look at His back!!

His shoulders, His knees, from being crushed to the ground in agony, His shoulders, from the edges of the scourge…!

The blood He shed for us is unfathomable and it breaks my heart in half.

My Lord, what are you thinking, in such shocking pain, in such awful sorrow? What has moved your holy Face to such pensive distress?

O that I, too, should share Your grief-stricken meditation, in holding the terrible sight of Your wounds in my heart!



Every time I remember that Jesus kept His Wounds it just floors me. Our Savior is a Crucified Savior and that is so important to knowing Him, to understanding why He was born, and what He does for us now in Heaven.

I just see this, those horrible holes, dripping with dark blood, aching in agony, and I realize there is no bitterness or despair or complaint in it at all– it is Love, only Love, that suffered and died to save us from the pain of sin, to deliver us from damnation: a doom so unbearable that God Himself endured unbearable pain in order to destroy the very root of it.

Jesus keeps His Wounds to remind us that it is finished, that His Death is our Life, and His Blood is our Healing. What trembling joy and holy fear a heart must feel upon beholding them!

 



Christ in the Desert [1872]; Ivan Kramskoi [1837 - 1887]

This is forever one of my favorite paintings.

Look at that horizontal line of clouds, so low and dim; look at that bleak and rocky ground, so harsh and grey… Look at our Lord’s face. Look at his hands. Look at the way his robe is pulled tightly, as if against the cold desert night. I swear I can feel the silence, the vastness, the time… this artwork speaks volumes without a word. It is heartachingly beautiful.




Daniel Gerhartz

Every time I see these paintings, the sheer tender beauty of the light and color makes my heart ache in awe. The jewel tones are so precise, so stunningly vibrant amidst backgrounds of warm neutrals that they feel like rainbows gleaming in a dun sky. The brushstroke technique adds to this– everything is soft around the edges, watery like looking through tears, blurred like a dream right before waking. It feels specially transcendent because of this, as if its glorious subject matter is too magnificent to portray in any solid human manner or method… and indeed, isn’t it so? The radiance of Christian religion glows with divinity in every blessed item and action so devoted to it; it is perfectly fitting that any work of art striving to capture the precious essence of that worship would ultimately turn out like this– hazy with holiness, giving us a trembling but true glimpse of heaven’s splendor beyond the veil.




Polyptych of the Resurrection Virgin Annunciate, 1522, Titian

“Behold, the handmaid of the Lord.”

The great love, purity, and humility of our Lady is somehow so visible here, in the touching and sincere simplicity of her pose– the bowed head, the downturned eye, the hand to her heart. And yet her arms are open. She does not hide herself, nor turn inwards, but offers herself totally to God. So it is that the virginal red of her humanity is embraced by the blue of Divinity, with the pure white triangle of the Trinity fixed like a seal upon her heart… and the Mother of God shines as the morning star out of the darkness of the world.

“Be it done to me according to thy word.”




God loves us all. He doesn’t see political parties. He sees the heart. And even the most hardened sinner, even the most lost soul, has a chance to be redeemed and saved through His Divine Love and Mercy, if only they would believe in His Truth, and humbly submit to His teaching!

So remember this before you are tempted into judging politicians as people. They are sinners, just like us. And they are still precious to God, just like us. We are all at His mercy, and indebted to His Love. So let us honor Him by treating each other with merciful love, too.

Vote for policy, not personality– and above all, vote according to Christ.





When I feel distressed and helpless in life, it truly helps to think of Christ holding me like this, as His Child, His Creation. Even now, He sees me and remembers me from before my birth, when I was known only to Him, but known completely and perfectly, and loved just the same. He holds me and knows me and loves me still, and forever, and that gives me such comfort. Even if the world sees me as worthless and purposeless and unwanted, Christ calls me His Own, and that is my undying hope.



HOPE IN GOD 

Death can shatter many hopes; it cannot break the Ties which unite an Immortal Soul to the Souls which it loves immortally.






The Temptation by the Devil
, 1865

Gustave Doré, 1832-1883

 

I really love this, actually. There’s a symbolic visual truth to it that really strikes me.

Here we have Satan, fallen angel, self-proclaimed illegitimate prince of the earth, brazenly and bitterly trying to get Jesus to worship him– Jesus, the King of all worlds, the Creator of life itself, the very source and summit of incorruptible light– and yet, the devil is at Christ’s feet. He’s on his knees, furiously imploring perhaps, goading and sneering... But Jesus doesn’t even look at him. He knows that the devil has no right to sell His own planet back to Him.

And honestly, it’s apparent. The devil gestures to his “kingdom,” but all we see is a tiny huddle of man-made architecture swallowed up in miles of untouched green. And so is the truth. Amidst the wilderness of God’s natural art, all of man’s achievements– all the devil claims to control– will ultimately be reduced to the rubble and dust it came from, and time will proclaim God’s endless sovereignty. The devil has nothing to sell. And truly, Jesus knows it– as surely as He knows the birds flying free, which He protects to the last tiny chick, and as surely as He knows the sun, blazing gloriously behind Satan’s ignorant claw, testifying to the eternal light that will defeat him with every sunrise. Jesus owns the hills, the sky, the clouds, the dirt, the dawn, and the devil himself. But there is one last, heavy, hidden truth.

His Holy Face shining with the promise of true kingly glory, Jesus looks away from the devil’s spoilsand wreathed in the red that will one day purchase the one thing He wishes to claim irrevocably as His own special possession, he looks to us. And His eyes say, you are worth the cost.




prismaticbleed: (Default)



121320
GAUDETE SUNDAY 💗💗💗

Singing Gabriel's Message in a higher key gave me BOSS VIBRATO? Remembering pre-hormone voice. Lots of hope; thank you God!

Cooking Sunday dinner with grandma! ❤ I love taking care of the family.

HUNGER for God lately.
YEARNING for Bible study, not food

No food until 5PM because I was TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE AND MARIAN APPARITIONS FOR LIKE THREE HOURS. Also Chumble Spuzz. It was amazing.

EWTN= CONSECRATED VIRGINITY IS A LITERAL THING THAT THE BISHOP MUST OFFICIATE. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS AND I AM NOW SUPER PSYCHED. If I can't join a convent, or maybe even if I can, I'M GONNA DO THIS.

WEEPING over Juan Diego.

Remember when I actually didn't like Our Lady Of Guadalupe? Like LITERALLY up until about a week ago? And now I love her. Thank you God, thank you EWTN, thank you dear brother Saint Juan Diego, he is THE SWEETEST MAN, also now one of my patron saints. He WAS trying to get my attention in Charlotte remember! I wonder if I still have that sticker.

Next on the list is SAINT THERESE. Help me out EWTN!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

121420
Monday.

Geisinger gastrointestinal appointment. Woke up in tons of pain so good timing amusingly. Very nice girl!
Bloodwork and stomach x-ray immediately after.

Checked out the IBS meds she wants me to take; it's literally just peppermint balls in a pill and it's 30 DOLLARS WHAT.

Food "compulsive addictions" are DYING OFF FAST and I think I have Mary to thank ❤

Grandma CATscan at Mercy. Underground!
Six people in an elevator! Gosh I MISS being so close to people. 🥺
Also remember the old EKG-checkin Jewish dude with a gorgeous nose and a Star of David face mask, you made my day, God bless you!

Bedtime hysterical panic, weeping. Praying.

Fell asleep listening to Spanish pop music

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

121520
Tuesday.
TEN DAYS TO GO!!! 💚❤🎄😍

Dreamt about being a Celebi!

Woke up in health terror. Gastro call worsened.

Therapist appointment; late but informative. Sexualization of child self by mom & grandma having no proper comprehension of how open discussion of it & forced exposure can damage a child.

Gynec gonna put me on an estrogen patch. Odd sort of poetic "contrast" to old testosterone gel, especially now that two of my old gal pals are now trying to sadly "become men." Feels like I'm testifying to the truth of God with this; helping "repair the past"

V8 JUICE & SOYMILK GONNA SAVE MY LIFE THANKS GOD!!
Gosh we're really going back to the forgotten joys of high school, this is awesome.

AMAZING DIET PROGRESS. Ate a WHOLE can of lentil soup AND an avocado with NO FEAR.

 

Whenever Phlegmoni comes on TV now, grandma says "there's your buddy!" 🥺💕 aaaaaaaa it's so sweet

 

"You will experience loss and betrayal" BECAUSE CHRIST DID!

"The Lord is close to the BROKEN hearted" = it's how the light gets in. True, HOLY sorrow BREAKS YOU OPEN.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

122320

Therapy hell "mixed messages" "no game plan"

The reason why I can simultaneously support and oppose the same opinion or idea is because I DONT SEE MYSELF AS AN INDIVIDUAL WHEN DOING SO? Like I'm just a voice giving voice to a missing voice.

I have MAJOR ANGER ISSUES

I'm also a control freak apparently? Which is deeply disturbing. Is that a trauma panic reaction?? Like if I can "orchestrate" the circumstances around me I can hopefully prevent more injury & terror??


A thought: Perfect Chaos CANNOT destroy the world because GOD SENT THE RAINBOW. It's a PROMISE. Remind him of that when he feels terrified of himself.



prismaticbleed: (angel)


“I used to think you had to be special for God to use you, but now I know you simply need to say yes.”

—Bob Goff, Love Does

God uses the lowly, poor, and humble best, for they are not weighed down by pride and egotism and self-glory– they are not hindered by the desire to be “special”!

To simply say “yes” to God, without hesitation or calculation, as Mary did in her beautiful “fiat,” is all you need to do in order for God to use you… Indeed, it is the only way He can use us.



"When God calls us to step out of our comfort zone, He is not calling us to be comfortable in the situation. He is calling us to be comfortable in Him in spite of the situation."
-Stacy Sanchez

This is such a vital distinction!!

God calls us out of our comfort zones on purpose– we’re not supposed to be seeking a replacement comfort when He does!! God shakes up our lives to show us how unstable, fleeting, and unreliable the things of this world intrinsically are… so that we can reanchor in Him, the Unchanging, and find our only true comfort in Him alone, the Comforter of all. It’s a holy realignment of priorities, and the process is inevitably disturbing and difficult to our worldly selves, but it is lifesaving and blissful in its purpose and end, and it remakes us into spiritual people who live for a world beyond this one.

Rejoice when God removes your worldly comforts, because you can absolutely trust that He is doing so to heal your soul.




“Grief, sorrow and distress only occur from two directions. One of it is, The desire for the worldly life and having a zeal for it. And the second is shortening in the actions of obedience and piety.”

— Ibn al-Qayyim, Uddah As-Sābirīn, p.227.
 

The two inevitably accompany each other.

Instead, be zealous and desirous for God, and decrease your disobedient impiety. Your distressing will fade away to be replaced by unfading holy joy.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


The devil thought "being like God" was all about knowledge and power, when actually it is about LOVE AND MERCY

The mouth was the only portal of grace left open after the fall-- because it was the one through which sin entered?? But this is also why Christ has to come to us THROUGH the mouth-- as WORD & FOOD!

Satan tempts you when you're NEAR THE TREE.
Just LISTENING to him opens the door to sin!! This is because listening to the devil is the ONLY WAY we CAN sin!!!

Shame & fear & guilt are PSEUDOVIRTUES?? Because they tell us that SOMETHING IS WRONG!!
Imagine if Eve HADN'T felt ashamed. She would have been just as damned as the devil himself!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARRIAGE AND THE EUCHARIST (Fulton Sheen?)

1. I love you = say it with words and actions as much as possible

2. Thank you = be grateful for everything, even the tiny things

3. I'm sorry, please forgive me = humility, contrition, resolve to do better and consider the other person more

4. I forgive you = make excuses on their behalf, focus on your own faults, love them unconditionally

5. How was your day = listen wholeheartedly to their heart, get invested in their life

6. Let's go on a date = rekindle the feelings when you first fell in love

7. I'd be glad to = sacrifice for them with joy


Gotta live like this for BOTH CHAOS 0 AND JESUS

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you strive not to sin, you can better offer up your suffering for the sins of OTHERS

Jesus & ,sleigh ride; joys of heaven to give me hope and override the pleasures of earth

Jesus talking feels like home

Feed my sheep WITH THE TALENTS I GAVE YOU!! "Currency" of love as MEANS OF GRACE to others

Where did this joy come from? GOD

"PINK MARTYRDOM" = death metaphorically through intense suffering PLUS dedication to purity?


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Mass as a walk-through of Christ's life= our participation IN IT???
Really reflect on everything in it; EVERY word and action holds profound, intentional significance. Nothing in the Mass is trivial.
We must die to sin in order to escape its tyranny-- it is THAT total and extreme. It is like being unable to wake up from a horrible nightmare UNLESS you die absolutely.

Dealing with Viral is a legitimate cross.
He stalks around the kitchen like a panther, grinning maniacally and wringing his hands. He stands right behind me, motionless, for up to a half hour, just staring. It all feels predatory, territorial. It's frightening.
He gets high on marijuana before he does this too, so he can't be reasoned with as he's all dopey.
He doesn't realize how terrifying this is to a trauma victim, especially one who HE actively sexually terrorized before he was hospitalized and subsequently medicated. And I will not bring it up. It would be profoundly unmerciful to chain him to that past; he deserves the freedom to heal and move on. But my disturbed subconscious still clings to its recollection out of protective fear for our life. So until that helps in me, suffering this behavior of his in patient, forgiving, COMPASSIONATE silence is a true cross, and thank God for it.

Sometimes, what we think is ignorance in others, is actually purity and simplicity-- great virtues, keeping them free of evil awarenesses. So please, BE KIND. Your proud "education" could severely sicken their heart, and that will be YOUR SIN.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you tell grandma about bad things mom has done, to get her in trouble...
Then mom will tell grandma about bad things YOU have done, to get you in trouble!

If you are cold and distant towards Viral, and won't acknowledge him or hug him...
Then Viral will not talk to you or acknowledge you, and he will not hug you!

prismaticbleed: (angel)




I'm grateful for where I'm at.

I'm excited for where I'm going.
God has preserved me in His grace and mercy thus far.
God will carry me onwards and upwards from here on out.

Thanks be to God for every moment of it all!
 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm watching the Beatification Mass of Blessed Carlos Acutis, and telling my grandmother about his life, as she has never heard of him before. But she just stopped me and said "I just don't understand. How can he be a saint if he worked with computers?" I explained that God can use anything for His glory, even computers and the internet, through those who love Him. I showed her the Bible on my phone and explained that God can reach millions of people all over the world through technology that may not otherwise have access to His Word. But she is still shaking her head, saying she does not understand how God could be glorified through computers.

Do any fellow Catholics here have further advice on how I can help her with this struggle? In any case, do pray that her heart and mind (and mine) may be opened more to see the work of God in all things, and to participate wholeheartedly in that work. Thank you. 🙏❤


-------------------------------------------------------------------


All are sinners. But one can become the least of sinners by always seeing Christ in others. Humility is rooted in LOVE!!

Our sins make us unworthy of peace, but through Christ's forgiveness we get the grace of HIS PEACE!

FRACTIO PANIS.

Gosh I just love the faith SO MUCH ;___;

"This is my body, given up for you"-- WE SAY THIS BACK TO JESUS!!

"Thy Kingdom Come" = relevance of God to our daily life; slow transmutation of a stolen kingdom into HEAVEN through bringing CHRIST into it again THROUGH HIS CHURCH.


-------------------------------------------------------------------


God loves to teach the humble, those with open hearts to Him, who listen and look for Him always. It’s beautiful to realize how much more there IS to realize through Him– more than we can fathom! It’s a grand universe and it all belongs to Him, for He made it… and only He can teach us about it, about ourselves, and about Himself. But He does. And that’s such a blessed grace.


Let yourself fail, and try again.

Only the humble can enjoy the grace of failure. Only the humble can build castles from ashes. The proud would rather sit in a ruin, insisting everything is fine.
Let yourself fail. You’re not perfect and you never will be. That’s okay. Only God is perfect, and only God can be perfect. But if you acknowledge this, and confess your helplessness to Him, He will help you. He will perfectly use even your failures for His glory. And that is worth rejoicing over!


pixy-el-returnth: Yes, ever since I’ve been mentally praying, reading saints and biblical quotes and writings, my tarot readings recently are *unreal*. The gift of prophecy is a real thing.


I’d be concerned that this boost in the accuracy of your tarot readings is actually a devilish ploy to “validate” itself by claiming direct association with your spiritual progress. In truth, the devil sees your increase of prayer & religious devotion as a threat, and so he makes it look like that devotion is affecting the cards. It’s not. He’s stealing credit. He doesn’t want you to stop reading tarot so he presents it as “not really witchcraft” by convincing you, falsely, that its prophecies are from God. They’re not. You’re being duped. You’re still trying to take control of the future out of God’s hands. You’re letting the devil construct a narrative and you’re playing right into it. And as for “knowledge” readings, you think the devil can’t tell you your own thoughts? You think he can’t play you like a fiddle with all of this? It’s like a cellphone overhearing you talk about dinner, so it immediately begins advertising local restaurants to you. It’s not psychic. It’s just built by clever people who want your money and don’t care about your privacy. The devil wants your soul and he doesn’t care how many lies and schemes and games he has to invent to get it.
Yes, prophecy is a gift of the Holy Spirit. But it’s also a ‘gift’ of spirits. False prophets exist too, and they’re effectively broken clocks– right twice a day– who make sure people only see them “telling time” AT those times. Demons aren’t stupid. They used to be angels. They are FAR more intelligent than humans, with just as much power to pull it off. They may indeed look beautiful and act reliable and speak with authority and guidance, but deep down they are as burnt dark and frozen solid as hell both. They are liars and betrayers by nature and believe me you will not even suspect it until its too late. I know. I have been used, and I STILL get tricked. I used to do all that “witchy” stuff; I was convinced it was helping me grow in Christ– it sure seemed to be, even to those around me– but in actuality, it was sneakily drawing me further and further away… and when I finally realized it, I was almost too far gone to save. The “god” I had been pursuing was a false one and I hadn’t recognized the mask because I hadn’t known God’s real Face well enough to tell the difference.
Don’t give the devil any opportunity. If you let him have an inch he will steal a mile, and everything else that isn’t nailed down. Religion, and witchcraft, never happen in halves. There is no “dabbling.” It’s all or nothing, and we humans don’t make the rules. You can’t split loyalties. You cannot serve two masters. And you can never be too careful.

 

"Whoever like me has lost grace let him wrestle manfully with evil spirits. Know that you yourself are to blame: you fell into pride and vanity, and the Lord in His mercy is showing you what it means to be in the Holy Spirit and what it means to wage war against evil spirits. Thus the soul learns by experience the harm that comes of pride, and so shuns vainglory and the praises of man, and evil thoughts."
-St. Silouan the Athonite
 

God is never to blame! But He shows His Justice and Mercy both in letting us experience the consequences of our sin, for we learn its terror firsthand, so as to flee from it all the more readily in the future, by help of His grace, which He will return compassionately to those who humbly and contritely seek His Face after every battle.

Sin is our own fault. But the war against the devil continues nevertheless until death. Do not lose hope! Return to the Lord with all your heart! Christ is the ultimate victor. He will sustain your feeble soul to the end.

 

Mankind must join a sort of resistance movement. What will become of our world if it does not look for intervals of silence? Interior rest and harmony can flow only from silence. Without it, life does not exist. The greatest mysteries of the world are born and unfold in silence. How does nature develop? In the greatest silence. A tree grows in silence, and springs of water flow at first in the silence of the ground. The sun that rises over the earth in its splendor and grandeur warms us in silence. What is extraordinary is always silent. In his mother’s womb, an infant grows in silence... God is silence, and this divine silence dwells within a human being. By living with the silent God, and in Him, we ourselves become silent. Nothing will more readily make us discover God than this silence inscribed at the heart of our being. I am not afraid to state that to be a child of God is to be a child of silence.”
~Cardinal Robert Sarah

 

Deep and simple truths, disastrously overlooked and forgotten. Silence is truly the “language of God.”
My priest told me this week: keep your tongue from all idle talk! Speak only to edify others, and let your silence bring both your own soul and the souls of others into intimate communion with God! The less we talk, the more we pray… the more we pray, the more we love Him… the more we love Him, the more our lives will conform to His Holy Will. So we truly become His Children.

 

"Acknowledge the graces you have received and those I have granted through you. But also thank me, in faith, for all your humiliations, limitations, and sufferings—physical and moral. You will not grasp the full meaning of them except in eternity, where your heart will beat with admiration for my gentle divine pedagogy. Thank me, too, for all those men and women—brothers and sisters known or unknown, remembered or not—whom I gave you as fellow travelers. By their prayers linked to mine, by their moral and spiritual assistance, they have helped you a great deal. I am the one who, at the right time, gave them to you."
- Jesus, to Gaston Courtois

Everything in our lives comes from God– there are no exceptions, for all is subject to His Omnipotence and His Omniscience. So give thanks in every circumstance. He is Sovereign over it all. Trust in this always.

We also forget: graces granted to others through us; the hidden sanctification in bearing our humiliations and limitations; our unknown fellow travelers in Christ who help us in anonymity. Reflect on all of this deeply, and be grateful, for the mysterious glory of God shines through every facet of it.



alexmonacella: Wake us to Your presence, Lord, that we might not waste our times of trial. What would you teach us today in our trials, Lord? Make us receptive! Help us see your victory and compassion rather than look for easy answers to our troubles. So make us expectant, Lord, and patient. Amen.

Every moment is a gift from God, meant to bring us closer to Him in love. Our trials, united to the Cross of Christ, are indeed great blessings that we must never waste. God, open our eyes and our hearts that we may never seek to escape our sufferings, but that we may instead embrace them through your Son, and so humbly and obediently learn to know and adore You all the more completely!

All things are temporary, even the biggest crisis! God alone is eternal. He is in charge even now, and when this time is complete, He will still be in charge, wisely and justly and mercifully ordaining what comes next. I, too, am full of hope and faithful expectation when I remember this. Whatever happens next, it’s God’s will, and that is all we need to rejoice in it. ❤


alexmonacella: Lord, if we are to be afraid of anything, let it be the fear of not committing ourselves fully to you. Let us fear that the day will pass without our having lightened the load of another. Let us fear that someone will come looking for you and find only us. Amen.


This hits hard.

Truly, this is the essence of holy fear– it is ultimately the fear of not loving God enough. Let us strive, then, to love and serve Him always, denying our selves, so that all who meet us will meet Christ as we let Him work through us!


“If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.”

— - Mother Teresa

Our faith– our religion– requires daily devoted effort. It can be arduous work, but God will give us all the oil of grace we need, if only we ask for it, and put it to proper use. Pray, and persevere!


“Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather that it shall never have a beginning.”

— Bl. John Cardinal Henry Newman

Death is before us all daily. Has your life yet sincerely began? Have you died to sin; do you live in Christ? Ask yourself this every moment– you are not guaranteed tomorrow!



“You can’t go to heaven hating somebody. Forgive now. Be compassionate now. Be patient now. Be grateful now. Love Jesus and Mary now. Accept God’s will now.”

— Mother Angelica

A true Catholic lives in the “now”– for we know we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. We must love and serve God right now, not only because our time is short, but also because postponing our acts of love is honestly unthinkable! Why would you ever wait to praise and obey and adore your beloved God? Why would you ever wait to feed the hungry, care for the sick, comfort the afflicted, and forgive the injurious?

Heaven is always just a heartbeat away… but so is hell. Don’t waste the time God gave you. Use every breath for good. Live for God now!


cassianus
: “Why are vigil lamps lit before icons? One reason is that in order to teach us that just as the vigil lamp cannot be lit without our hand, so too, our heart, our inward vigil lamp, cannot be lit without the holy fire of God’s grace, even if it were to be filled with all the virtues. All these virtues of ours are, after all, like combustible material, but the fire which ignites them proceeds from God.”

This is a beautifully simple and powerful illustration of the fact that “without God we can do nothing,” and that only cooperative humility gains and utilizes grace. The proud, who try to light their own fire, and resist all submission, will fail, for God is the only Light and we must be meekly open to His Will, to the work of His Hand illuminating our hearts, in order to shine at all… and yet, it is still our responsibility to furnish our hearts with virtue, to fill our lamps with good fuel, so that when God’s fire comes to us, we will be able to hold it within us, and let it burn all the more ardently!



 

thelefthandbonch-deactivated202: If we don’t teach the concept of Hell, there is no point to ever sharing Jesus. We teach Jesus saves but if we aren’t saying what Jesus is saving us from, we create a pointless Gospel... There is a consequence to not repenting of our sins, accepting Christ as savior, and loving God. That consequence is repeated by Jesus again and again in the Gospels. It is a key part of the Gospels.

catholicismandpharmacy: this is what i was getting at when i was explaining why balthasar’s theory is so toxic; it is not possible to separate the love for God and the fear of His wrath while still maintaining true Christianity

 


The entire point of Jesus's Incarnation, Death, and Resurrection was to reconcile us to God by making an infinitely sufficient atonement for our sins-- by which we are damned to die by the very nature of sin-- so we can, through faith in His Life and Death and the purposes of such, also die to sin and therefore live in Him unto eternal life, which we can ONLY access through His atoning sacrifice on our behalf.

The wages of sin is death. The rejection of Christ is self-annihilatory. Hell exists, and it's where all those who deny God and His Son must inevitably go BECAUSE they have spurned the ONLY Way into Heaven.

God loves us enough to die for us, but that truth is united with the fact that He only HAD to die for us because if He didn't, we would be dead in our sins and doomed to eternal damnation-- doomed to hell. God hates sin so much, that His love for us prompted His Self-sacrifice on our behalf. Again, His Wrath is just as divine as His Love, and in this vital respect the two are inseparably connected.

 

 

writhe: me, every second of my life: but is it meaningful? but is it meaningful? but is it meaningful?

 

Do everything for the love and glory of God, and even your most seemingly insignificant actions will become infused with heavenly merit and purpose. Charity gives life an eternal meaning that no earthly thing can ever diminish.










prismaticbleed: (angel)


True sorrow REQUIRES LOVE. Honestly I think ANYTHING true requires love. And true LOVE is directed to GOD!!! Because it comes FROM Him, the Truth Who IS Love.

VIRTUES ARE NOT NEGATIVE!!!
Rebellion is NOT A VIRTUE because it implies ALLEGIANCE BETRAYED. We do not "rebel against" sin: we simply OBEY GOD!!!
THIS IS THE EASY YOKE.


"Nothing is more unsettling than talkativeness and more pernicious than an unbridled tongue, disruptive as it is of the soul’s proper state. For the soul’s chatter destroys what we build each day and scatters what we have laboriously gathered together. What is more disastrous than this ‘uncontrollable evil’ (Jas. 3:8)? The tongue has to be restrained, checked by force and muzzled, so to speak, and made to serve only what is needful. Who can describe all the damage that the tongue does to the soul?"

-St. Philotheos of Sinai

I can confirm this, with great remorse. Talkativeness is one of my biggest vices, and it absolutely wreaks havoc on my soul. Learning to restrain it is difficult and arduous, but the consequences of neglecting this effort are too destructive to bear. It is only by grace that I can grow in the virtues of silence and meekness.

In all cases, hold your tongue with meek humility. It is far better to listen and learn than to speak from pride and defensiveness. You are neither judge nor authority. Let silence and contemplation teach you. God shall say what truly needs to be said.



"In order not to lose heart when we fall sick we are to think about and mentally “kiss the sufferings of our Saviour just as though we were with Him while He suffers abuses, wounds, humiliations…shame, the pain of the nails, the piercing with the lance, the flow of water and blood. From this we will receive consolation in our sickness. Our Lord will not let these efforts go unrewarded."
- St. Tikhon of Zadonsk

As someone who has been “blessed” with chronic illness, this moves my heart to tears. I adore our Savior and the thought of uniting my suffering to His, with Him, gives me such joy– but I never thought that, through this aching empathy, I could console and comfort Him. Truly, if my sickness can bring me to share in His Passion, however minutely, I am practically obligated by love to use that intimacy to kiss His wounds, to offer humble reparation for the injuries He so innocently endured, and which my small pains can then allow me to feel!
Christ can and does sanctify everything in our lives, possibly especially our suffering. Let us rejoice in this truth, and courageously face all the hardships it pleases Our Lord to send us, allowing them to teach us to love Him– and comfort Him– more each day!


"Just as the intellect of a hungry man imagines bread and that of a thirsty man water, so the intellect of a glutton imagines a profusion of foods, that of a sensualist the forms of women, that of a vain man worldly honor, that of an avaricious man financial gain, that of a rancorous man revenge on whoever has offended him, that of an envious man how to harm the object of his envy, and so on with all the other passions. For an intellect agitated by passions is beset by impassioned conceptual images whether the body is awake or asleep."

- St. Maximos the Confessor
 

 

This is a good way to check the state of our souls– where does our imagination wander? What are our thoughts preoccupied with? What fills our dreams at night? Our unconscious and subconscious mind are honest about our “dark places” and hidden vices, for we tend to deny them consciously, and hide or suppress them out of pride & fear.

But we must pay careful attention to this phenomenon. We must face these frightening truths directly, if we are to identify our sinful passions and therefore take them to God in humble contrition. Christ cannot heal our wounds if we do not bare them before Him. Shame over our ugly wounds of sin should move us to seek forgiveness and healing of them as soon and as completely as possible, for hiding them will only exacerbate the damage and make our souls even sicker.

Lastly, when you do catch yourself imagining impassioned things, take righteous action: Confess the sinful distractions to God immediately, repent and ask forgiveness, and then consciously redirect your mind to prayer and holy thoughts. Do this as often as you must. Do no give the devil any opportunity. God will see your efforts and He will give you the grace you need– and, in proper time, you shall root out those passions through faithful perseverance.


 

“When you are alone in your room, take your crucifix, kiss its five wounds reverently, tell it to preach to you a little sermon, and then listen to the words of eternal life that it speaks to your heart; listen to the pleading of the thorns, the nails, the precious Blood. Oh, what an eloquent sermon!"
- St. Paul of the Cross

 

This is one of my all-time most loved quotes from the saints. It is so sweet, so beautiful, so true, so vital to our souls!

Look upon your beloved Savior, there on the Cross– and here, with His most sacred Wounds– and let the sight of Him so afflicted for love of you burn into your very heart, to impress His Holy Face upon it forever. See His Blood and Tears, shed to save you from your sins, the very same sins that inflicted such torturous pains upon Him, and tremble at the depth of the compassionate mercy He has shown you– you whose just sentence He has borne upon His shoulders!

The Crucifixion is, truly, the most eloquent sermon that could ever be given. Listen to it daily, and love it most ardently!


---------------------------------------------------------


I often worry that, in order to truly love God, I must sacrifice/ abandon everything except religion in my life. | am slowly realizing this is ultimately untrue. God must be loved ABOVE all else, but that doesn't mean hating everything EXCEPT Him. He created everything after all.

l AM allowed to play music, exercise, do creative work, love other people, etc. as long as those things do not hinder or diminish my love for God. In truth they can ENHANCE it, and DO-- God is glorified in my life through them, as I love Him more completely as I love Him in His works too. But I am always TERRIFIED that if I don't amputate everything that's not explicitly religious from my life, I will fall away from God. Yet every time I attempt to do this, it leaves me dry and hollow. It makes me feel like God CANNOT be loved outside of religious practice alone. Catholicism is indeed the truest and most direct path to experiencing God and His love-- indeed, without it, I wouldn't know Him at all-- but as long as I DO have it, I can still live in this world as my state in life requires, without "losing God" just because I'm not in church.

I know this is old news but I still struggle very much with this. I WANT to abandon the world and immerse myself entirely in worship and study of my Lord. But God has placed me in different circumstances, and I must remember that HE is Who placed me here, and I CAN love Him here. I CAN worship Him in everything I do, even if I'm not in a cloister. I CAN worship and love God in the demands of daily life, AND in my interests and relationships. “Everyday life” is not incompatible with religion. In truth it is perfected and sanctified through religion alone.

God doesn't live in temples made by human hands [Acts 17:24]. He CAN be met in churches and temples, yes. But He LIVES in our hearts [1 Cor. 3:16]. I must remember this. It is the only way to heal this confusion. God is with me always; thus I can love Him in every circumstance.







prismaticbleed: (angel)




I honestly nearly died last night, and I felt like this the whole time, and since then. In wracking pain, I could not hear God. I could not feel Him through my convulsing agony. The night passed in slow, sickening silence, with little relief from sleep, all attempts at prayer choked dry. It was hell. I felt like I had finally exhausted God's patience. With the real possibility of death before me, I was acutely aware of my utter wretchedness, of the staggering extent of my sins, of the corrupt and evil heart still floundering about in my chest. I was convinced that God had abandoned me.
But I survived. God brought me through it nevertheless. I'm still struggling to recover and God still feels light-years away, and I still fear that His righteous rage and hatred is focused on me like a laser. I'm so distraught, I feel so afraid and lost and alone and hopeless.
And then something like this shows up.

...Thank you. Lord have mercy on me a sinner. But if He is calling me, then please Lord, turn up the volume, and give me the grace to return home... me, your poor prodigal daughter.


...I do forget that His love is beyond what my self-loathing (which is quite a lot of noise) can ever comprehend, and that His Presence is constant even if my poor senses cannot perceive Him.

I am truly grateful that so many sinners have been delivered from death into a deeper knowledge of God. In my deliverance, I will ever more strongly strive to remember His love for me, too.

 

 

"A person should have a firm personality that is not swept along in the direction of the world. A little fish is capable of resisting the current and swimming against it because it has life, where is a great block of timber, which is hundreds of times bigger than the fish, can be washed away with the current, since it has no will. So, have a strong personality, and this will help you to repent. The apostle says: “Do not be conformed to this world“ (Rom. 12:2)."
-Pope Shenouda III

 

This gives me such hope. Yes, I may be just a weak and feeble little fish, but I have life! God has given me life! And so for His sake, although I am a tiny thing, I must have a strong heart, and use this life for His glory.
The thought that a “strong personality” helps one to repent is a groundbreaking thought for me. But it is true. A weak personality gets washed along and cannot repent, for repentance requires one to resist the current of the world, to stand firm in opposition to its lies! One needs a strong heart to keep returning to God, to keep fighting the vicious waves of sin no matter how repeatedly they try to drown us.
Do not envy the great and stately timbers, for they are fallen trees, and are utterly helpless against the raging rivers despite their apparent stature. But you, little fish of God, you have life in Him, and you can always return home to Him, no matter how far you may have been washed away before. Just keep swimming.

 

spiritualinspiration: Are you believing God for something that seems to be taking a long time? In the natural, you may have every reason to give up on what God has placed in your heart. At times, you may be tempted to get discouraged, but remember, God knows exactly where you are. He knows the desires He’s placed within you. He knows even the hidden dreams — what the scripture calls the secret petitions of your heart. Those are the things that you haven’t told anyone about. Maybe you thought they would never work out, or you’ve buried them because they didn’t happen on your timetable. But God still has a way to bring them to pass.

Be encouraged today because God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. Delight yourself in Him — find joy in serving Him and make your heart moldable in His hands. Don’t settle for mediocrity because God knows what’s in you, and His plan is to finish the work He began in you when you delight yourself in Him!
 

I prayed to God for deliverance for an abusive situation for ten years. Ten years! And I told no one BUT Him, either, out of great fear. So I felt very alone, very unsure, doubting often whether or not God even heard me. But then, completely out of the blue one day, God DID get me out, and when He did, it was in a way and at a time that ensured I would never end up in that situation again. But that would have been impossible at any other point prior. I didn’t know that while I was praying. But He heard me. And He was going to answer me. I just never considered that there wasn’t a “proper time”, expecting an immediate response. God doesn’t always do that! But He hears, and He knows, and He acts, behind the scenes for years to make sure everything turns out for our highest good.

And so I remind myself of that a lot. I was absolutely tempted to discouragement and despair during that awful decade. But I knew that God couldn’t possibly want such a vicious situation to persist in the life of someone who sincerely loved Him, however feebly. And He didn’t. But the waiting was for my highest good, too.

Perhaps this is a different application of this faith message than was originally intended. But it’s just as powerful and true. Don’t settle for anything less than a God-saturated life! If something is holding you back from your full Christian potential, pray for deliverance! Pray fervently and constantly! If God doesn’t seem to answer right away– if He doesn’t seem to answer for years– keep praying with unflinching trust in Him anyway! Your faith is what allows Him to work in His time, in your life. Trust in His Goodness, which cannot fail. Trust in His Faithfulness, which endures forever. And trust in His Love, which embraces us always, even in our darkest days. Your Father hears your prayers. Rest in that, if nothing else. He hears you, and He loves you.



“We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn’t approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion, and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God’s love. Evil does not belong to God.

God’s unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God’s ever-present love.”

- Henri Nouwen

This is an extremely vital distinction that many people tend to miss– and in doing so, we damage both our relationship with God, and with our fellow struggling sinners on earth. Loving someone does not require approval of their poor life choices. Love means we see the value of their soul beyond those evils, and we wait for the healing and freedom of that soul, for its return to the state of pure love it was created both for and by. If we erroneously think that we can’t love if we don’t approve, we lose our ability to help the lost return home, and our own conscience will begin to decay. Furthermore, we will completely misunderstand the nature of God!

So remember this powerful distinction. God loves us, always, but He still hates the sins we commit. He disapproves of our poor choices, and rightly so, but He still loves us with an unwavering and ardent love… and He will never stop waiting for us to come home to Him, the Father watching for His prodigal children from the road, His arms and heart ever open to receive us with tearful joy.



 

"We have, it must be admitted, a use for anger excellently implanted in us for which alone it is useful and profitable for us to admit it, namely, when we are indignant and rage against the lustful emotions of our heart, and are vexed that the things which we are ashamed to do or say before men have risen up in the lurking places of our heart, as we tremble at the presence of the angels, and of God Himself, who pervades all things everywhere, and fear with the utmost dread the eye of Him from whom the secrets of our hearts cannot possibly be hid."

- From Book 8 of the Institutes by Saint John Cassian
 

 

I feel it is important to reiterate that this sole holy use of anger is internal, and does not rage outwards– and it is sparked by the fear and love of God, not by devilish self-destructive hatred! To loathe sin and be ashamed of it is good and desirable; to loathe ourselves is not, for Christ loves us and does not want our destruction. He died to redeem us, so live in that hope, and let your love for Him kindle the righteous anger against those sins that pierce His Merciful Heart with such sorrow!







prismaticbleed: (Default)


Confessing to Saint John Vianney, sad about my eating disorder = he said that when you're sick, you don't have an appetite, but you MUST eat healthy to get better, even just tiny bits. My soul is sick, and I MUST eat spiritual food, but START SMALL until my health and appetite improve. This is okay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

080720=

Jesus during Adoration: "Come to me even when you're scared of me, when you're afraid that I don't love you anymore, that I have abandoned you. Come to me then, especially then! And you will find that I still love you, that I am always there waiting for you with love and open arms ready to recieve you! Come to me when you are afraid, and I shall remove all your fears!"

Adore with your HEART, not just your eyes

"Who can teach me to adore, but the One Who alone is worthy of all adoration?"

The Bread of Life is not given to those who hesitate or doubt


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let us ACKNOWLEDGE OUR SINS and SO PREPARE OURSELVES TO RECEIVE THESE SACRED MYSTERIES" = this humility, contrition, brutal self-denying honesty, mournful sorrow, and firm purpose of amendment and repentance is REQUIRED in order to even BEGIN sacred participation!!! We are NOT God, we are not even holy; we do NOT merit or deserve this privilege; we have NO claim to it. ANY AND EVERY GRACE WE HAVE IS FROM CHRIST. Without Him intercepting for us, we are literally out in the darkness.

This is in DIRECT OPPOSITION TO NEW AGE "SPIRITUALITY", which deifies the self to the point of practically claiming ENTITLEMENT to sacred things!!! Not only that, but "progressives" have virtually NO CONCEPTION OF SIN. They justify and hand-wave all evil as "understandable" or otherwise "permissible under the circumstances" BUT only if it benefits them!! There is great hypocrisy at work, and therefore NO TRUE MERCY OR FORGIVENESS, because those virtues REQUIRE THE HUMBLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF GENUINE WRONG. Jesus died for us BECAUSE WE WERE HORRID SINNERS and participation in His Atonement REQUIRES OUR ADMITTING AND ACCEPTING that painful truth IN CONTRITE HUMILITY, NOT PRIDE!!!!

Newage folks love to corrupt 1 John 4:7-8, too, forgetting that those verses are FULFILLED IN VERSES 9 AND 10: "This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

ALL DISCERNMENT OF LOVE MUST USE THIS AS THE UNFLINCHING STANDARD!!!

ALL TRUE LOVE SONGS are a reflection OF God's Love, ESPECIALLY in the Eucharist!!! (This could be a Very good way of discerning and meditating ON His Love?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original sin

God has knowledge of good and evil WITHOUT DOING EVIL. But mankind has knowledge of evil THROUGH DOING EVIL. The devil trapped Adsm with this: when Adam learned that his disobedience was evil, HE HAD ALREADY DISOBEYED. Indeed, his knowledge came THROUGH disobedience, tainting it further.

"With great power comes great responsibility" = "you will be like GODS" = Divinity is OBLIGATED to DO GOOD because that is the NATURE OF DIVINITY. But man is not divine! Giving him divine knowledge of morality effectively DAMNED HIM FROM THE START as he was by himself TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF LIVING UP TO THE DIVINE STANDARD.

The Law of Moses: you can't forbid someone from doing something they are incapable of. The Law highlights our total depraved potential. "Never say never"; to claim otherwise is to tempt the devil.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The devil uses DESPAIR to FUEL SENSUALITY-- "since you'll never get to heaven, you might as well experience it here"! IT'S A LIE.
 

God can save ANYONE as long as they have even the tiniest hope in His mercy, And heaven IS GOD. The shit that the devil tries to pass off as "heavenly" according to ANY of the five senses are ALL INHERENTLY EMPTY AND ALL ULTIMATELY END IN HELL ON EARTH.
I know this. God have mercy on my soul I know this from experience and I NEVER want to experience any of those things ever again. I get the shakes just thinking about the possibility.

Romans 3:21-22 and righteousness by faith; it hit CLEAR today so write it down.

(Basically, NO ONE can keep the whole Law, especially not a wretch like me. If our righteousness depended on that we'd ALL be sunk. But we're so afraid to admit this. That's where pride comes in with perfectionism and "virtue signaling." We want so badly TO be good, that admitting that we objectively CANNOT BE on our own is UNBEARABLE. But THAT'S WHERE JESUS COMES TO THE RESCUE. He offers Himself IN OUR PLACE as BOTH the victim for forgiveness of sins, AND as the victor over sin through perfect obedience. He can ONLY do EITHER of these things BECAUSE HE IS BOTH FULLY HUMAN AND FULLY DIVINE. And all we have to do to "apply" that to our unbearable need is to HAVE FAITH IN HIM. But what does that mean, truly? It isn't just acknowledgement of a fact, or recognition of an event. Faith is TRUST, on a deeply personal level, and it requires TOTAL HELPLESS HUMILITY to truly happen. You CANNOT have faith in Christ, cannot trust in His total efficacy to both redeem and restore you, UNLESS YOU TOTALLY AND TRULY ADMIT YOUR UTTER INABILITY TO DO EITHER.

Long story short: good works are only surface-level "righteous;" your heart can still be corrupt and therefore will nullify any merit. If your heart is sincere but you still screw up, God sees your motives but you STILL cannot do a "perfect good." But how do we get a truly good heart motive AND a truly good work done by it? THROUGH FAITH IN CHRIST. Honestly. If we have faith in Jesus we MUST LOVE HIM, and if we love Him then we serve Him, we WANT to do good things FOR Him BECAUSE we love Him... BUT we recognize that ONLY GOD IS GOOD and so we OFFER UP OUR WORKS TO HIM AND FOR HIM AND HE WILL PERFECT THEM IN HIS OWN WAY & TIME. We therefore must ABANDON ALL ATTACHMENTS TO OUTCOMES & DETAILS because we no longer have any personal gain or interest in the work-- it is ALL FOR GOD.

I hope that makes some sense; I feel like I "got it" more clearly on a soul level but it's hard to articulate.

God is love, love is selfless and self-giving, love seeks the highest good of others without counting the cost, etc. Christ exemplifies that. Read the Beatitudes-- He is preaching HOW HE HIMSELF LIVES. He teaches also BY EXAMPLE. THAT is good works, what He did-- pure love for love's sake, for the glory of God. And when we have faith, and surrender to His Mercy, the Holy Spirit moves in us and HE guides us to imitate Christ, to live like the One we love. So it's not about achieving, or striving, or points or prestige or even praise. It's just about God, and charity. It's good. But it's only POSSIBLE because CHRIST LOVED US FIRST and ENABLED this THROUGH Himself. So faith in Him is necessary TO do good in earnest because we need HIS Spirit to do so, the Trinity works THROUGH us but we must LET THEM IN first, and be TOTALLY SURRENDERED to Them, and Christ is the Way. He is the example, the directions, the means, and the end. Etc.

Man I just love being Catholic though, pondering things like this. Blessed be God forever.

 

("But now we can know how to become right with God. God has shown us the way that He will accept people as right with Himself. This way is not part of the Laws that he gave to Moses. But God's Laws and the messages of his prophets have told us about it. God accepts people as right with Himself because Jesus Christ did what God wanted. God accepts every person who believes in Christ. It is the same way for everyone, whether they are Jews or Gentiles."

Ro 3:21‭-‬22 EASY)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Psalms 79-80-81= God will not heal us until we are distinguishable from the ungodly who are suffering the just consequences of their sins!

The prerequisite for ALL of God's interventions of mercy is a RETURN TO HIM WITH OUR ENTIRE HEART.

"Give us this day our daily bread" + "open wide your mouth and I will fill it" = How can we properly respond to this in humble surrender TODAY, in this age of packaged food and big box stores and artificially induced poverty?
We can't just sit back and expect God to do our shopping, or deliver groceries to our door. There is ALWAYS a key element of FREE WILL, which ENABLES FOR HOLY COOPERATION WITH GOD'S WILL.

However the FIRST STEP is ALWAYS PRAYER. This is where the humility and surrender come in.

We must follow up with action, yes, but if we pray before AND during those actions, WE WILL BE GUIDED BY GOD, while preserving our free will, to obey in love-- or doubt and disobey and rebel. God will not make us robots.

I keep thinking I need to do HUGE THINGS in order to become a saint, like opening a food pantry or starting a convent or writing a hundred holy books, something similar. But SAINTHOOD ISN'T ABOUT WORKS!!! IT'S ABOUT THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

"The bread that I shall give is my flesh for the life of the world" = literal BUT IN A DEEPER SENSE TOO!! It's NOT a metaphor or symbol; it is simply a deeper truer reality than the uninspired mind can grasp.

⭐What does it mean, for a SOUL to "feed upon" something? It's NOT destructive,

"LORD, let Your Face shine upon us" = what exactly IS His "Face?" It's not literal, as God is not tangible, and although Jesus Christ IS His Face, how can His Face shine on us now, after His Ascension? This is a question meant to OPEN our hearts to see Him MORE, not to start a useless debate or analysis. Our hearts KNOW Him and recognize Him, but by asking and answering in humble earnesty, we find DEEPER answers, and grasp more of His Truth.

⭐SYSTEM COREGROUP LOVE: Unity of kinds of love for Him! To love Him with our strength, we DO THINGS with our hands to serve Him; to love Him with our minds, we THINK UPON HIM and His Word;

We can only have FAITH in God's NATURE and PROMISES. Everything else is HOPE.

⭐Does MARY primarily respond to our hopes???

⭐TALKING TO MARY about the "ingrate" thing w/ Saint Bridget: "Thats a harsh word." "Of course it is! Its a harsh truth!"

"But she didn't ask for help" = several responses.

Notably: "I love her as my daughter in Christ; I can't help but help her! As long as it would not conflict the Will of God, I will always do everything in my power to assist my children, whether they ask me to or not. Sometimes a child is too proud or ignorant to ask for help from their mother, but if she does not help them, they will suffer great injury or die. As your mother, I cannot neglect any of you in such circumstances, nor would I ever wish to neglect you.  It us my heart's great joy to take care of you and bring you ever closer to my Son, Jesus Christ. "

Also, about the original hagiographic circumstances:

-In her heart she yearned for help secretly regardless

-Pride doesn't ask for help, but love doesn't wait TO be asked

-Mary doesn't demand gratitude; instead, a grateful heart is a MANDATE OF GOD.

-To NOT be grateful for help, ANY help, is to be CLOSED to gratitude, therefore MAKING one an "ingrate" as you have DECIDED to be incapable of gratitude!

-You become one the instant you start talking about "permission" and "consent" and "manipulation" in response to an unasked-for act of charity

Pulpit Bible Commentary calling worldliness a "blight of unreality" = SHOCKINGLY TRUE. Only God is Real!! All else is temporary, a passing illusion of the times. Sacred time will erode it, reduce it to the nothingness that birthed it. Therefore we Christians should be forever rejoicing! For we have been REBORN, having died to the dead, and now living in the One Who Lives!! We are the freest of the free! We must have nothing to do with this magic-trick of a world imposed upon God's Creation, this satanic game of culture, of fun and fame and fashion and food-- all of it folly, all of it fleeting, all of it foolish and doomed to dust!

For a Christian to return to the world is like... a poor and wretched orphan, having been freely adopted into boundless riches and love, still sneaking out of the mansion at night to eat out of the filthy city dumpsters. WHY.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------


I keep fearing that God's Mercy is going to run out on me-- that He's going to finally and justly refuse my stupid pleas.

But He doesn't.

He keeps giving me so much mercy. It blows my mind. It makes me weep. It makes my soul tremble with fearful love.
God is so good. God is so good, even to a wretched mess of a sinner like me.

I must live up to this. I can't, honestly. No human can. But the effort is vital for my soul.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not entitled to anything but ETERNAL PUNISHMENT FOR SIN. Everything else is mercy.

Where did this entitlement thing originate?? I know the hedonistic hell of NC exacerbated it, but how did it start? Is it even possible to pinpoint?

The "entitlement" mindset says things like "I deserve to enjoy life!" "I deserve to take a break from caring for others!" It's all DISGUSTING, TERRIFYINGLY SELFISH ARROGANT INSISTENCE, and it is ALWAYS entirely focused on SELF WORSHIP. This mindset WILL NEVER consider spiritual & religious things. It is TOTALLY CARNAL and therefore SATANIC.

I deserve nothing but punishment, for what I've done, and continue tragically to do. EVERYTHING else is mercy. Every good thing is grace. It's all a gift. God owes us nothing. Yet, He loves us wretched things.

That's a far more beautiful, pure, moving TRUTH than the disgusting lie of "deserving" everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------



--------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (angel)



"There are times when we prefer the miracle over the miracle worker. God calls this idolatry, and He discouraged it by refusing to provide miracles on demand (Jer. 2:11-13). Sometimes the greatest act of faith is not to ask for a miracle. One of the most amazing statements of faith in the Old Testament came from Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego as they faced the fiery furnace because of their obedience to God. They expressed true faith when they assured king Nebuchadnezzar: “Our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up” (Dan. 3:17-18). They were confident in God’s ability to deliver them, but they trusted Him so completely that they did not ask to be spared.
Does your faith need miracles to sustain it? Or do you trust God so totally that you can say, “But if not, I will still trust the Lord!?”"

- Blackaby Devotional Ministries


That “but if not” has been my anchor verse since childhood.
This hits HARD and it is VERY relevant in these current times!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sometimes, even though I want and try to meditate on God and pray, my mind is not enough. I'm too weak. I need help; I need the Bible, or EWTN, or a prayer app, etc. Be humble enough to admit your weakness and rejoice in the rich and gracious aid!

"When all is going well, our love is not tested." A boat is not built to sit in harbor; medicine is useless without illness, etc. There are Always circumstances of purpose!

Making our own sufferings and difficulties is PRIDE!!! It's saying, "I will choose what I suffer!" THE OPPOSITE OF GETHSEMANE!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IMMEDIATE eating disorder stop: "it's NOT going to satisfy me; it Can't." TURNS HEART TO CHRIST

⭐When making a decision, especially a purchase, ask:

DOES THIS ACTIVELY GLORIFY GOD AND BRING ME CLOSER TO HIM?
OR, DOES IT PAMPER THE SENSES?
IS IT A LUST OF THE EYE?
IS IT A LUST OF THE TONGUE?
IS IT A STATUS SYMBOL?
IS IT SELF-GLORIFYING? IS IT EMPTY ENTERTAINMENT?

CATASTROPHIZING= RESULT OF GUILTY CONSCIENCE!!!
Results in MELANCHOLY and OBSESSION WITH CATHARTIC VIOLENCE AND SUFFERING.
Ultimately HATRED OF GOODNESS!!!

⭐MERCY WITHOUT MISERY BREEDS ARROGANCE AND PRIDE!!!
Hope requires mercy, and mercy requires CHRIST
⭐CHRIST GAVE HOPE TO THE ATHEIST by sharing in his despair ON THE CROSS, ELI SABACTHANI

📖1 PETER 1:15+

God judges impartially because He is OBJECTIVE TRUTH and our works DON'T SAVE US. "Good intentions are the path to hell" being ironically true here: GOD ALONE IS GOOD AND HOLY. If we did good on earth for our own glory, we're now guilty of the corrupt motive of PRIDE. In any case NO ONE IS SINLESS and sin is an UNPAYABLE DEBT because it DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS OBJECTIVE TRUTH & LIFE. If heaven and eternal life are ONLY POSSIBLE WITHIN GOD, Who Is ALL Good, then NO SIN CAN EVEN EXIST WITHIN HIM. So we're ALL doomed, WITHOUT THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. AND!! Our recourse to Him MUST BE PURE AND HUMBLE!! To sin and assume God's mercy through Jesus is SO OFFENSIVE that you'll DEFINITELY GO TO HELL FOR IT.

Christ had to "purchase" us because SATAN OWNED US IN SIN, and he is the prince of avarice, and he DEMANDED PAYMENT. But he asked an impossible price. He didn't expect Jesus though!!

⭐NO WORLDLY PAYMENT COULD HAVE REDEEMED US BECAUSE ALL WORLDLY METHODS JUST KEEP YOU IN THE WORLD. BUT BY THE DIVINE BLOOD OF CHRIST WE WERE BOUGHT OUT OF THE WORLD. And since the currency is holy, Satan CANNOT TOUCH IT!!!

Purification through obedience? "Weaned off the poison" + taking Good medicine, essentially

⭐DO NOT FEAR DEATH, BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN IN CHRIST, AND YOUR LIFE IS HIDDEN WITH HIM IN GOD! Obey until death, then!! If your Father leads you to it then it IS GOOD= CHRIST AND ISAAC!!!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus cries out for COMFORT and CONSOLATION as He hung dying and suffering on the Cross. BUT!! There is this HORRIBLE automatic learned mental response in me that says "people who are suffering need to learn to endure it. Comforting them will only weaken their will and coddle them." WHY??? IS THAT FROM MY MOTHER?? Because to this day she frequently refuses to offer compassion or comfort to those who are crying and/or in pain. She RATHER says, "Oh here we go again! Why do you keep crying? STOP THAT, OR I'LL LEAVE/ CALL THE HOSPITAL/ ETC." There's no empathy or patience; she doesn't WANT to offer comfort: it's too much emotional labor, too much of a SACRIFICE OF SELF FOR THE SAKE OF ANOTHER. And so I must fight this ugly response mirrored in myself. It's NOT what I would CHOOSE!!

Similarly, there's that ugly thought that the Jews of Jesus's time ALSO had: "IF YOU'RE SUFFERING, YOU DESERVE IT, THEREFORE COMFORTING YOU WOULD BE WRONG." You can argue for mercilessness all day on this if you want; all you would do is falsely justify hardness of heart. And that's wrong enough, BUT the biggest issue here is that JESUS DID NOTHING WRONG, EVER, THEREFORE HE DOES DESERVE ALL THE COMFORT OUR HEARTS CAN GIVE HIM!!

So why don't we? Are we too unwilling to do the emotional labor? But WHY is it "labor?" Shouldn't compassion and comfort be effortless? Shouldn't our hearts immediately respond to the sight of suffering as promptly and ardently as a mother rushes to help her child who has scraped his knee? Never mind the "littleness" of an injury, or the "worthiness" of pain, or the "sincerity" of tears and cries. Forget all that judgmental ego nonsense. Think like Mary; think like Christ. "DO GOOD ANYWAY." IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR EGO. IT'S ABOUT GOD AND LOVE. SO LOVE PEOPLE WITHOUT EXCEPTION AND WITHOUT EXCUSES.

Again, though, love should NEVER be laborious; truthfully, if it IS to you, IT'S NOT LOVE. It's pride masquerading as love! True love pours out from the heart as it did from Christ on the Cross: effortlessly and abundantly and withheld from none. Pride not only refuses to let its heart BE pierced, but also refuses to give of its (bitter, poisonous) water to anyone who thirsts, because "what if they're lying? What if they're just trying to use me?" And "I don't think you deserve this water" or "you're not thirsty enough to get any" etc. IT'S ALL GARBAGE. LOVE DOESN'T ANALYZE OR WEIGH THE PROS AND CONS. LOVE JUST GIVES FOR ITS OWN HOLY SAKE. LOVE DOESN'T SEEK GAIN OR PROFIT OR PRAISE. You could spit on Love's Face and Love would STILL give you a drink of water with a genuine and gentle forgiving smile. BUT if you try to deprive others of that water, Love will show you the door-- and then no matter HOW thirsty you then get out there, you won't be allowed back in UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU DID WRONG AND SAY YOU'RE SORRY. Like the Good Thief.

But yeah. Comfort is only "labor" if your perfectionistic ego gets in the way with "well HOW do I comfort them? What do I do?" But it's not a test, it's not about you "doing it right"; forget about your image!! BE WITH THAT PERSON AND ASK THEM WHAT THEY NEED AND HOW YOU CAN HELP. Make yourself their servant of love, ministering to them in their pain. Let THEM call the shots. If it's "inconvenient," shut off that ego.

So. How do we comfort Jesus? We ask Him. What does He tell us?

Fulton Sheen:

HAVING VS BEING; YOU CAN'T PUT THE INFINITE INTO THE FINITE: NO EARTHLY THING CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BECAUSE TRUE JOY CAN ONLY EXIST IN HEAVEN. This is why ALL EARTHLY PLEASURES ARE STRICTLY FINITE AND EPHEMERAL-- BUT NOT EARTHLY SUFFERINGS, or so it seems! And here is the irony, because TRULY, EARTH IS EPHEMERAL, AND ALL SUFFERING WILL BE EXHAUSTED WHEN IT ENDS AND WE REACH HEAVEN. And THAT is why HELL is INFINITE SUFFERING!!

⭐THERE IS PURPOSE TO EARTHLY PAIN AND IF WE EMBRACE IT AS THE CROSS WE CAN ENDURE IT ALL THROUGH CHRIST. This contrast of acceptance vs rebellion in suffering is seen in the TWO THIEVES: upon death we can REBEL or REPENT.

Pain can be EXPIATION OR REPARATION.

Pardon requires repentance BUT JUSTICE ALSO REQUIRES REPARATION!! And offering up pain for others DOES THIS FOR THOSE WHO WON'T OR CAN'T DO IT THEMSELVES!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cleaning up after Excalibur without complaint as REPARATION FOR HIS SINS. Huge means of restorative grace for him!!

Doing works of Charity WITHOUT COMPLAINT is ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH LOVE!!! Otherwise the ego will still grumble at "keeping quiet" and the work will be hollow.

We must do everything first for LOVE OF GOD, and this will naturally overflow into love for all of humanity and creation-- GENUINE love, not "fuzzy feelings." Real love suffers and sacrifices for the good of the other, for no other 'benefit' than the simple privilege of being able TO suffer for love-- for no other core motivation than the fact that Christ loves us like that... that God loves us like that. Totally, radically, unconditionally, perpetually... mercifully.

"Whatever things you are doing, do them well. Remember that you are serving the Lord. You are not only serving people...The Lord Jesus Christ is the Master that you serve." [Col 3:23‭-‬24]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

071920=


Talking to guardian angel during Gospel; "what happened to your field" (Matthew 13:27)?

Where did all the weeds come from? How long have they been there? It's terrifying. There are so many. Its even worse when you think of this in terms of the SYSTEM: how many violent, unhealthy, sinful alters exist because of the weeds-- because of abuse, exposure, etc. The field of my soul is distressingly sabotaged.

BUT. Remember verse 29. When endurance feels impossible, when the fear and pain are unbearable, remember that God is still merciful and He is ALWAYS working for your highest Good, even if its fulfillment will only be seen after I die. God is still Good. And that faith gives me hope, and that gives me strength to carry this crushing cross.

I've been adoring the Eucharist wrong; it's about SILENCE, not chatting! There's a proper place. Talk to Him in your heart at home, whenever, wherever. But Adoration is when you can ACTUALLY LOOK AT HIM. So do that, with all your heart and mind and soul. Just love Him.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can't stop something without having an alternative replacement!! Nature abhors a vacuum!!

This is ABSOLUTELY VITAL with recovering from the eating disorder, because THAT spiked TO FILL THE VACCUUM OF STOPPING THE RETRIBUTION.

They have/had the EXACT SAME ROOT: getting corruption out of the body, at least symbolically. Either through bleeding or purging, we were always just desperately trying to get the trauma out of our poor terror-wracked body.

The blood atoned for the rape. The vomiting kept us from feeling it all over again.

If we want to stop purging, we need another way to cope with the trauma.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

072220=

I was distraught because the "God Phone" [in my mind] wasn't ringing, but Jesus said today that I WASN'T CHECKING MY TEXTS.

"I'm glad that God is a jealous lover"; glad He loves me enough to not tolerate ANY infidelity, lukewarmness, etc. Love God with YOUR ENTIRE HEART because HE LOVES YOU WITH ALL OF HIS!!!!

Eucharistic Adoration comparison to a young, innocent, ardent married couple gazing at each other in total enraptured love= Jesus saying "I want you to look at Me like that, and I want to Look at YOU like that" (!!!) BUT distraction during Eucharistic Adoration is like being on a date with your spouse but they keep checking their phone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything beautiful that I have lost, and cannot find again, I must trust that they only existed BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Whatever beauty I lost has both its origin and its PERFECTION in God. And I must absolutely anchor my hope in that fact.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The desire to become a saint can be CORRUPTED BY AMBITION!!!

I am a bushel basket; I must turn myself UPSIDE DOWN and put CHRIST ON TOP!!!

There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between OCCASIONS OF TEMPTATION and NEAR OCCASIONS OF SIN!!!

"Little death" satanic lie= A PLEASING DEATH HAS NO RESURRECTION

"Their glory is in their shame" = WHAT I DID WITH MY DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER. I literally honored my suffering as praiseworthy in and of itself WITHOUT GOD. I was in figurative hell because of my disordered life, BUT I kept trying to "find heaven in it" without leaving it. Problem was, I didn't realize that the only "god" IN hell is the SELF.

Combating despair: If there is no escape we learn to love the trap, But Christ is ALWAYS our escape!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In therapy today (070720) I realized my youth obsession with jesters, clowns, puppets, ragdolls, etc. is because They represented MY Role within my family. I was the fun one to keep peace: I learned how to stop wars with a well-judged joke; I offered myself up for comfort. Lovingly, but still! I still do this on a daily basis and honestly I'm honored to now, as I SEE it now. It's a conscious compassionate action instead of an instinctive survival mechanism now. If I'm a jester or doll at home, it's because I LOVE the job, and others love having me there TO do it too.

My whole life is about service, but when I was younger, it was more compulsive and fearful. Now I put God first, and serve Him through serving others. I love God and God loves me AND everyone else, so I joyfully love them too, through & for Him. It's a daily beautiful purpose.

Honestly? my ultimate goal with this "holy jester" mentality is the "fool for Christ” life, Saint Basil pray for me. I learned of it years ago & my heart just Yearned for it. I just LOVE GOD with a blissful ardor that aches to be all the more "foolishly" spent for Him even now. Saint Basil the Blessed, Fool for Christ, patron saint; pray for me, dear brother in heaven! Look at his FACE. Every time I see it, my heart aches with an echoing joy so big I weep. This is the purity of heart I pray for daily. God, give me the grace to love You this totally!





prismaticbleed: (angel)

I DESERVE to be brutally murdered for my sins. BUT!! Although that would satisfy justice in "making me pay the price for my sins", it would NOT RESTITUTE ANYTHING. I can't restore what I stole, I can't correct my lies and my slander, I can't regain my purity. It's all broken and gone, EVEN if I die as penalty. Plus, in my death there would be profound HATRED & RAGE for what I did and who i became as a result. It would heal nothing, help no one. All it has done is remove me from existence so I don't hurt anyone anymore.

BUT JESUS TOOK MY PLACE. He died FOR ME, so that IN HIM, my sinful self CAN DIE, but I can BE BORN INTO A NEW LIFE. It's like a new identity, but literal. HOWEVER. NO ONE BUT CHRIST HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD. No one else CAN. So NEITHER CAN WE UNLESS OUR NEW LIFE IS IN HIM, LITERALLY.

Jesus is INFINITE INNOCENCE who suffered INFINITE SUFFERING by OUR UNITING OUR SUFFERINGS WITH HIS ON THE CROSS. By suffering this much, with NO deservance whatsoever on His part of it, He CAN justly atone for INFINITE SIN-- but thank God, sin is FINITE. Only God is endless, and THANKS BE TO GOD FOR THAT!!!

Christ's sacrifice on the Cross is the DEEPEST COMFORT because it is the UNSHAKABLE HOPE that we all actually desperately grasp for in our darkest suicidal moments: the hope that this hellhole of a fallen life Can and Will end... but, truly, that we can LIVE beyond it. No suicidal man truly wants to kill himself; he only wants to DIE. And he only wants to die because he sees no possibility of LIVING in either his current circumstances, OR his foreseeable future. THE ONLY HOPE ANY OF US HAS OF REBIRTH AND RESTORATION IN THIS LIFE IS THE HOPE OF CHRIST'S CROSS!!! And, blessedly, that sacred death and resurrection in our lives is not only ETERNAL, but also INFINITE, and if we need to die and rise with Him fifty times today, WE CAN. With contrite faith and repentance, surrender and humility, if we unite our lives and efforts and sufferings with His Passion, then no matter HOW difficult things get, we have, in Jesus, the holy joyful ASSURANCE of sharing in His Easter Sunday after our own crucifixion with Him. WE CAN'T HAVE ANY OF IT ALONE!!!

No matter how scared I am of the world, the Cross is my refuge, my reassurance that the world is finite, and my true life is in God, IN HIS KINGDOM, NOT THIS WORLD.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Jesus had NO PAST, as it were; His life is ETERNALLY PRESENT

Eucharist, Cross, Abel, Passover, Isaac = LAMB OF GOD

Assumption vs Ascension!! HUGE PARALLELS

DID THE ISRAELITE DRINK OFFERINGS OF WINE HELP TO SANITIZE THE ALTAR???? God is resourceful like that!

God chose people to be the race that they're in and he loves all the different races. And cherishes each one. He loves the cultures that are produced by different communities. And he cherishes the search for truth that shows up in the differences of religion. And we have to be a people who do everything possible so that what is right it's done for all citizens. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The death of Christ is comforting because THROUGH it, we too can DIE TO THE WORLD. It is a paradoxical testament to eternity.

Discerning "am I suffering for sin or for faith" = is your suffering something that JESUS WOULD HAVE SUFFERED? And ONLY JESUS??? If it's a suffering of pagans, but NOT of Christ, then it's NOT HOLY SUFFERING.

"What virtue fruits am I bearing today?"

Remember CHRIST IS THE WATER, FOOD, & LIGHT

⭐THE PURPOSE OF FRUIT IS TO BE PICKED AND EATEN BY OTHERS!!! Does your fruit nourish them or hurt them? Is it sweet to taste but upsets the stomach? THINK UPON THIS.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

James 1:6 synchronicity

Bible is ALWAYS APPLICABLE AND RELEVANT

Justice REQUIRES Mercy and Mercy REQUIRES Justice!

You won't GET mercy if you don't GIVE mercy.

"But I don't want people to overlook my sins!" True, but MERCY DOESNT DO THAT. It is HONEST from love of justice BUT it is also COMPASSIONATE in administering it!! ⭐requires HUMILITY!! "There but for the grace of God go I" + HELP THEM LIKE CHRIST WOULD IN GRACE THROUGH YOU!!

Gigi and the vase; CHRIST ON THE CROSS

Buddha vs Christ response to suffering = SYMPATHY VS EMPATHY somehow? A cleverly veiled false teaching; keyword WITH

Dismas was the LAST DISCIPLE converted through PURE FAITH -- before any Resurrection proof of divinity-- AND the FIRST of billions converted through the CROSS.

Saint Longinus is ALSO important; FIRST POSTHUMOUS DISCIPLE

⭐BOTH CONFESSED HIS LORDSHIP!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


With mom: "In a house full of constant chatter, You learn to not think before you speak or even to speak with integrity and honesty. Instead I or only priority becomes, How can I keep this noise going, How can I add to the narrative that has been created here?"

My family's total disregard of privacy is a direct result of their LACK OF INTIMACY. This sneaking and snooping and stealing was the ONLY WAY to feel close to people.

Loving God isn't about hating everything else!! Choosing Him over Created things DOESN'T MEAN labeling those things as BAD, just because God is Good!! He is just the ULTIMATE GOOD-- but HIS CREATION IS ALSO GOOD!!

Loving Him is about LOVING ALL THINGS FOR HIS SAKE, BUT LOVING GOD EVEN MORE. Then it becomes real, sincere, free, honest virtue.

We can ONLY DO THIS IF WE ACTIVELY SEE GOD IN ALL THINGS, but paradoxically, we can only do THAT if we ALREADY LOVE GOD-- just like a lover sees his beloveds face in the moon Without hating the moon! He loves WHAT HE SEES OF HIS BELOVED IN THE MOON. But he loves her more, rightly. He doesn't start to love the moon instead, just because it shares some reflection of her attributes!

⭐This principle can easily be misquoted and abused though. I need to write about it in depth. My heart feels it powerfully.

The more we love God, the more able we are TO love everything else. Again, though, THAT love is ultimately directed towards God too, WITHOUT FORSAKING HIS CREATED THING THAT WE ALSO LOVE.

God KNOWS we love Him-- that's WHY He gives us tests and trials of that love: to deepen, refine, and strengthen it! REMEMBER SAINT PETER!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEEK CHILDHOOD COMFORT IN FAITH, NOT FOOD!!!

Wanting to drink the ocean, eat the forest, etc.=  That's WHAT THE EUCHARIST IS ABOUT!!!

Different forms exist to SPECIFICALLY MANIFEST DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF GOD?? Like this is on PURPOSE. "Different bottles for different drinks"

SELF DENIAL FOR CHRIST BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE REBORN IN HIM, YOUR OLD SELF IS DEAD! AND MUST BE LEFT BEHIND! YOUR NEW LIFE MUST BE IN CHRIST OR YOU CANNOT BE REBORN AT ALL FOR ONLY HE HAS RESURRECTED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God must be BORN in our hearts IN A MANGER because He can ONLY be born in humility and poverty of spirit! He CANNOT be born in a proud castle mansion of a heart.

BUT!! Once He is born in humility, He LIVES in humility, INCLUDING THE CROSS, and THEN HIS RESURRECTED GLORY DEMANDS EARTHLY HONOR TOO-- BUT HE MAKES NO HOME THERE NOW!!! So He STILL cannot dwell in a proud heart, in a mansion, because He is now DEAD TO THE WORLD and still desires only a "humble, contrite heart"

Isaiah 53:2 Christ is UNDESIRABLE BY THE WORLD. This will cause inner war in a person who DOES DESIRE CHRIST BY THE HOLY SPIRIT. We see in Him all we ever need and want, BUT THIS IS A HEART SIGHT. In worldly sight, He appears utterly banal. Compare this especially to the extravagance of Hindu gods. We Christians DO create beautiful tributes of art depicting Christ, BUT THIS IS ALL CREATED BY BELIEVERS, who see in Him a beauty that ONLY loving eyes can see. BUT! This was even MORE pronounced during His Incarnation!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cross we carry must Always remind us that 1. IT IS A PENAL PUNISHMENT FOR SIN, 2. WE ARE GONNA DIE ON IT, 3. JESUS IS OUR ONLY HOPE, AND 4. THROUGH SHARING HIS DEATH-- AND HIS DEATH ALONE-- WE HAVE THE JOYOUS HOPE OF RESURRECTION.

Mary COMPLETELY REPLACED LUCIFER as the TRUE "LIGHT-BEARER"

If we are reborn IN CHRIST, then yes, Mary VERY LITERALLY becomes OUR MOTHER!!

A thought: the angels rejoice EVERY TIME A SINNER REPENTS AND RETURNS because, in their experience, someone who falls NEVER COMES BACK.

My desire to "go back to UPMC/HAVEN" is ACTUALLY A MISROUTING of my deeper desire to "eat what is set before you" [Luke 10:8] and therefore spend ALL MY MENTAL AND PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND TIME IN SERVING GOD!!! Right now my fear of "getting sick by eating the wrong thing" is MAKING ME BINGE/PURGE because, in doing that, I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY BECAUSE NOTHING IS STAYING IN ANYWAY. That's the REAL BOTTOM LINE. Whereas in the hospitals, I DIDN'T CARE IF I GOT SICK BECAUSE I TRUSTED THE PEOPLE WHO WERE FEEDING ME. And so every ounce of my mental energy went towards BIBLE STUDY. And THAT is what I both desperately miss, AND try to imitate even now through my phone.

Interestingly, if I ever DO stop doing Bible work while I eat, its ONLY BECAUSE IVE GONE INTO BINGE MODE AND HAVE TEMPORARILY LOST CONNECTION. This is why it's IMPERATIVE to keep my mind fixed on God!!

⭐The REASON WHY I unconditionally trusted the hospital people and ate EVERYTHING without fear or complaint, is because by being GIVEN the food, I TRUSTED THAT GOD GAVE IT TO ME. THAT CIRCUMSTANCE WAS ULTIMATELY AND TOTALLY ORDAINED BY HIS GOOD WILL. Therefore, even if I DID get sick, i didn't complain, and just SURRENDERED IT TO GOD.

And this is ALSO why, if I MYSELF chose the Exact Same Meal FOR MYSELF, I would instead be TERRIFIED, BECAUSE NOW MY CORRUPT WILL HAS TAINTED IT.

⭐JOYOUSLY, THE SOLUTION TO HAVING BOTH PLANNED MEALS AND GOD IS JOINING A CONVENT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sorry God, for hurting you, by not fully washing this pot."

"You didn't hurt me with that."

"Yeah, but what if it was because of carelessness?"

"Then THAT is what hurt me."

When I was 'bashing' perfumery in a misguided attempt to stop being fascinated by the science:

"Yes, I created all scents, but I also created perfumery. I also gave those men and women their olfactory gifts, for My pleasure and glory. And so, as with all talents, The sin is when it is used to worship Man instead of Me."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Christ as the BRIDEGROOM OF THE SOUL vs polyamory false attempt at loving everyone in BODY.

True love is SPIRITUAL and as Christians we CAN & DO LOVE EVERYONE ALREADY in a way that is essentially more intimate than any fleeting carnality. Heaven is a COMMUNION WITH GOD, but as the Body of Christ!! We are ALL UNITED IN THAT EVEN NOW.

So rest joyfully in that truth. Even if you cannot even physically hug someone you love here, in heaven, your hearts will be together with God for all eternity, and that is INFINITELY BETTER than anything here, however sweet our earthly friendships truly are. Heaven is far sweeter.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• Crown of thorns reflections: crowned by enemies, raw vs refined, etc.
• modesty only makes sense in the sense that OUR BODY IS NOT OUR OWN it belongs to God and honoring it honors Him. I don't want people to direspectfully view this body which He made and which is made TO honor Him. The "my body my choice" heresy disregards modesty for this reason
• Women being out of their proper homemaking place, doing mens jobs and such, inevitably feeds vicious moral confusion? vice begets vice.
• PRIEST MARRIAGE TO CHURCH, chaste union, love of Christ, MARY IS THE BRIDE OF THE SPIRIT ALONE. the "feminine" unity for a consecrated man is to be poured into CHRIST'S BRIDE which is the church on earth. love her with all his heart AS CHRIST DOES. also chastity for this effect! devil attacks this a lot with the sodomy. wonering why it gets funneled into masculine attraction? do the men not realize the feminine completion is in the church?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I KEEP BEING "CONTRARY" WHEN WATCHING TV AND THIS IS DEEPLY SINFUL. Pride, judgment condemnation.

LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS.

My talking so much, ESP "authoritarively", is GROSSLY UNBECOMING FOR A WOMAN. I should be meek, submissive, gentle, patient, hopeful, compassionate!!

Plus I am actually STILL unconsciously so focused on "saving face" etc. Fearing my morality is BASED ON HOW OTHERS SEE ME. But ultimately this BREEDS VICE, which will lie, manipulate, etc. To LOOK GOOD without BEING GOOD. BUT!!! TRUE VIRTUE WILL BE OPPOSED BY THE DEVIL. And this is a VITAL LITMUS TEST.

Virtue is only virtue IN EXTREMIS!!!

Difference between spiritual hunger & thirst?

COMMON PRIESTHOOD (vs ministerial) & PROPHETIC GIFT!!!! Totally underrecognized in the church. But we MUST LIVE THIS WAY AS CATHOLICS.

King= reign OVER OURSELVES.

MEDITATE ON THIS TRIPLE ROLE!!!

"Without God we cannot survive" = many meanings.

God is our Provider

Eternal life is ONLY POSSIBLE with God

Forsaking God plunges us into sin, which IS DEATH

But ultimately? Without God, I DON'T WANT TO SURVIVE. And THAT is a huge humility root, holy morbidity. I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN FORSAKE GOD, and if I ever DID forsake Him, I WOULD die-- that's the core of hell!!! Spiritual death!

So REMEMBER THIS as a check on all your actions.

The Holy Spirit will "tell you what to speak" ONLY in the capacity that your heart IS PREPARED FOR HIM. The more we pray and study, the more grace we CAN hold, and the more accustomed our hearts will be TO recieving it. Elaborate on this; give analogies

Lilith myth: would not humble self to be wife or mother therefore her children are DEMONS

👆Where do you get YOUR spiritual milk? From Our Mother Mary, or from a COW???

Falling into sin & losing connection with God-- He lets us "REIGN IN HELL" if we refuse, or neglect, to SERVE IN HEAVEN. Essentially this is the bottom line of all sin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm tired of trying to figure things out on my own, without proper direction. I'm tired of the pride that goes with "self sufficiency" and clumsy assumption of authority. I miss Learning, I miss being a humble and obedient student.

I want a Teacher. I'm tired of trying to live by myself.

"Where did you go to medical school, O Aspiring Doctor of your Church?" How can you heal when you have not been properly taught the means of treating a disease or injury? Do you think you can guess and fumble your way through such critical care? No. You will fail, and you WILL hurt others worse by not understanding proper medical procedures. Christ is THE Physician. He is THE Doctor of Souls. Have you truly studied Him? Do you follow His protocol and His warnings? You are just a student; you have NO knowledge or authority on your own. Everything you have is GIVEN to you BY Christ, FROM Him, FOR Him. When you act as a doctor it is AS HIS STUDENT. To act otherwise, as if YOU were the one "figuring out how to heal people," is not only offensively proud, but FATALLY STUPID.

Pointing out evil to people who are blind to it, innocently-- am I committing Eve's sin of sharing wicked knowledge??

Where is the proper distinction between warning and corrupting??? (IN THE INNOCENCE)

Jesus singing "Hosea" to me breaks my heart



prismaticbleed: (angel)


In these troubling times, as we struggle with fear on a daily basis, it is so important to remember that human emotions are not wrong– God gave them to us, as He gave us all things: with the purpose to glorify Him. This is key. Fear happens naturally as a response to percieved threats and suffering, fear of death and disease and danger. Truly fear itself can therefore be very virtuous, as in fear of sin and its spiritual danger! But it is incomplete, imperfect. Fear is only step one, but if we use it rightfully, leading us closer to God, then step two is love!

In all things we must trust in God. Even if we are afraid, and rightfully so from a natural standpoint, we can and must still surrender our circumstances to trust in God. We love Him and He loves us, and when we remember this, the very thought of fear evaporates, and we are like a child comforted in its Father’s arms. Even if we die, we fear not, we trust in God! He is in control of all things and He knows what we are going through. He is with you, He stays with you always.

We start and complete: “God, I am afraid of what might happen… but I know that whatever WILL happen is YOUR holy will, and You love me so much that Your will is the best possible outcome for me, whatever it may be. So I trust in You. I surrender to Your direction and care. My life I give into your hands.”

And the fear sees you are perfectly safe in God, no longer in any danger, your soul invincible even if your body fades, and so… fear disappears.

 

"Grumbling is caused by misery and it can be put aside by doxology (giving praise). Grumbling begets grumbling and doxology begets doxology. when someone doesn’t grumble over a problem troubling him, but rather praises God, then the devil gets frustrated and goes off to someone else who grumbles, in order to cause everything to go even worse for him. You see, the more one grumbles, the more one falls into ruin.
Sometimes the devil deceives us and makes us unable to be pleased with anything; however, one can celebrate all things in a spiritual manner, with doxology, and secure God’s constant blessing."


+ St. Paisios of Mt. Athos, Elder Paisios of Mount Athos Spiritual Councils IV: Family Life

 

Lately, I have been making a strong effort to do this, especially when I am scared, sick, or otherwise distraught. I will effectively pray, “God, I don’t understand Your reasons for doing or allowing this, but I trust You, and I know that Your Purposes are always Good. I accept Your Will in this situation and I pray for the grace to cooperate with it in wholehearted surrender and trust.” And then I will do my utmost to just let it go, even if I am literally in tears from emotional and/or physical turmoil. God led me to this place in time, space, and circumstance for His Reasons and I am determined to put all my faith and hope in His Love during whatever may happen here.

It is the only reason I’ve been surviving lately, and it’s also the indomitable cause of a genuine joy in me that is rooted deeper than any sorrow or pain, however sharply real those experiences still are. Even if I cannot be pleased with my present place– truly one should not be “pleased” by disease or poverty or dissension– I can and will be grateful for God’s Hand in it nevertheless, for He knows far better than I, and He is still Good.

Sometimes we suffer bad things just to scrub sin out of our lives and draw– or drag– us closer to God; I know this contritely firsthand. Sometimes we suffer bad things at the hands of the world because we are opposed to it in our adherence to Christ. And sometimes we may be so afflicted we can’t tell why we’re suffering, only that we’re crushed under its weight. But Jesus’s Cross and Death were both gifts from the Father, too.

Praise God for everything, at all times, and just lean into that in your life. Let that radical faith transform you, even if your outward circumstances stay the same. God knows, God sees, God chastises, God upends, and God loves, all the time, no exceptions. Praise be to God!!


Keep Christ at the center of your focus.
Keep Christ at the center of your focus.
Keep Christ at the center of your focus.

No exceptions– in everything you do, from the common to the critical, and at all times, from the mundane to the magnificent… keep Christ at the center of your focus! Whether in joy or agony, sickness or prosperity, anxiety or comfort… fix your heart and mind on Him, from Whom and for Whom it all exists. Only by doing this will you find fulfillment and purpose and peace.


“What we are apt to call interruptions are God’s way of introducing us to a new knowledge of Himself.”

— Oswald Chambers

Calling something an “interruption” means that it has broken into our ego’s schedule– it has stopped us in the process of pursuing our current plans. But nothing interrupts God or His plans, therefore if we follow His Hand we will never be “interrupted” because every sudden shift will also be something we lean into in surrender to Him. And so it follows that if we are currently irked by interruptions, God is indeed sharply showing us that we’re not looking to Him as strongly as we should be. Pause, humble yourself, and look at where He is leading you now. Accept it and follow Him. In this way of surrendering our schedule to God, we will absolutely learn more about Him, in His leading of our lives.



"It is better to limp along the way than stride along off the way. For a man who limps along the way, even if he only makes slow progress, comes to the end of the way; but one who is off the way, the more quickly he runs, the further away is he from his goal."

-Saint Thomas Aquinas

Even slow progress in holiness is progress– but do start slow, or pride may run you off the tracks!

Always be prudent, even in faith. This is a vital heart-check and hope both. I may be limping, but golly it sure is making me careful– and it also means that every successful step comes with that much more gratitude, because I know how easily I can fall.



“By afflictions, God is purifying and deepening our faith and our holiness, weaning us off the world, so that we will be fit for and worthy of the kingdom.⁠”

— John Piper

A prayer my church says with the Joyful Mysteries is: “Teach us, dear Mother, to be detached from the things of the world and from all things that can hinder our union with Jesus. Let us love poverty, privations and inconveniences just as you did.” And I think about that every day. The less of the world is in our lives, the more room we have for God. So it is with every deprivation we experience. We can only lack material things. We will always have God– and He is everything we can and will ever need. So rejoice in your afflictions, for they serve a holier purpose than what the world can see. Our Lord was crowned with thorns, after all, but He’s still The King.



““A verse must be read often, and re-read and read again before the wondrous message of love and power that God has put into begins to appear. Words must be turned over and over in the mind before their full force and beauty takes possession of us. One must look a long time at the great masterpieces of art to appreciate their beauty and understand their meaning, and so one must look a long time at the great verses of the Bible to appreciate their beauty and understand their meaning.””
- R.A. Torrey

No infant learns to walk or talk on their first try. We, too, as children of God, constantly being reborn into the new life of Christ, must repeatedly revisit the Example and Ideal in order to more perfectly understand and incorporate His Teachings. And as we mature in faith, not only will our appreciation grow, but so will our comprehension both deepen and sweeten. God’s beauty increases in our eyes with time, as long as our gazex remains fixed lovingly upon Him. So be patient and persevere in your reading and re-reading of your beloved Bible, for it is full of eternal treasure, and will reveal its bounty only to those who sincerely and diligently seek it.

 

apenitentialprayer: There’s apparently an Orthodox tradition that claims that, no matter how successful he was in converting people to Christianity, and no matter how humble and saintly a man he grew into, even after becoming Pope of Rome, Saint Peter would weep every time he heard the crowing of a rooster. Father Spyridon Bailey says we must take this example and “see ourselves as beginners in the spiritual journey, and always, always continue to see ourselves til our last breath as beginners in the spiritual journey. The minute we imagine we are humble, or virtuous, or dare we think saintly, we must take it as a sign that we are deluded.” There is never a moment where we don’t need our repentance and God’s forgiveness.


This genuinely has me in tears.

Saint Peter, pray for us, the sheep of your beloved Lord’s flock, which He entrusted into your paternal care. May we be blessed with the same grace of sincere contrition and humility, that same total admission of weakness and need of God… even if it means God must send us our own rooster to drive the point home.

May we love Christ enough to let our hearts break for Him.



God has never done all that He can do. He always has one more move.

Trust Him. His power is infinite. There is always hope.



How to live a life of perfect peace:
1. Trust in God.
2. Keep your mind fixed on Him.
3. Acknowledge God's power.

 

Remember, these are not passive steps. Trust, focus, and acknowledgement are all ardently active and frequently require engaging in spiritual warfare against the world & the devil.

But, even then, a heart fixed on God will indeed be in perfect peace. No matter what we may endure or encounter, God is our strength and our song, and by His loving protection, we can rest in Him, who “even the winds and the waves obey” [Matthew 8:27]!



“We have time and prayer backwards. We think time determines prayer, but prayer determines time. We think our lack of time is the cause of our lack of prayer, but our lack of prayer is the cause of our lack of time. 

When a little boy offered Christ five loaves and two fishes, he multiplied them miraculously. He does the same with our time, but only if we offer it to him in prayer. This is literally miraculous, yet I know it happens from repeated experience. Every day that I say I am too busy to pray, I seem to have no time, accomplish little, and feel frazzled and enslaved by time. Every day that I say I’m too busy not to pray, every time I offer some time-loaves and life-fishes to Christ, he miraculously multiplies them and I share his conquest of time. I have no idea how he does it, I know that he does it, time after time.”

- Peter Kreeft, Time

If we’re “too busy to pray,” we’re just running away from Life Himself, and we are inevitably going to burn out all our time until we give up and return to Him. Stopping to sincerely pray in the midst of a packed schedule reminds our hearts of the One Who Is beyond all temporal existence, and For Whom it all ultimately exists. Busyness feels a lot less busy when you keep it in proper perspective– juxtaposed against the Big Picture! This is because Prayer reconnects us with Eternity. When we give our limitations to a Limitless God, miracles can and do indeed happen. But you have to stop and give first– especially if it seems an impossible task! That’s what miracles are all about, after all.



 

"In no way should you allow yourself to be frivolous with regard to prayer. Persuade yourself that such an attitude toward prayer is an offense, the most serious criminal offense. Consider prayer as your first priority in life, and keep it in your heart as such. Then set about it as your primary task, not something that is by-the-way."

 

-St. Theophan the Recluse

 


Prayer is our direct connection to God– our Creator and Savior and Purpose– during our short time in this suffering world. Without Him we are nothing, all is empty and fruitless and broken. With Him, we have Him– we have true love and hope and life, all which, outside of Him, are unattainable. Prayer connects us to life in the midst of death. Prayer gives us light in the deepest dark. Prayer opens the doors to God when we are being crushed by devils. In the biggest picture, prayer is more important than breathing. All else utterly pales in comparison.



“One of the most fascinating myths is that of the Minotaur…The Minotaur was half bull, half huge & powerful man. The various mythic adventures about him and how Theseus defeated him are of secondary interest. What interests me is the symbolism of the myth. The Bull-Man is just what it looks like– a frighteningly powerful beast from hell. Like a bull he is powerful, unpredictable, hot blooded and stubborn. Not only immensely powerful, but the Minotaur is hidden– locked in the underground labyrinth beneath the palace of the king. The palace of the king is beautiful, respectable, wealthy, powerful and pleasurable. The palace contains all that seems attractive and delightful about life, but locked in a labyrinth beneath the palace lurks the Minotaur… and notice that the Minotaur dwells below the palace of the King who is named Minos. “Taur” means “bull” so the minotaur is the dark and bestial shadow side of the king himself. Minotaur stands for the underground evil– the lurking, potent force in the subterranean passageways of our lives. Beneath the shining successful surface of the palaces we create for ourselves, the Minotaur roams and roars. What is this monster in our lives? It is the stubborn, unpredictable, chthonic urges rumbling below like a dormant volcano. This beast roams at will within the labyrinth of our underground lives. It is there that our kinship with Cain wanders about seeking whom he may devour. Without redemption, the Minotaur dwells beneath our silken palaces and our shining exteriors. [But] out of the darkness of the labyrinth the man speaks. To defeat this underground monster of the dark we need the courage and cunning of Theseus whose name reminds us of “Jesus” which means “Savior”. The Minotaur is all that is secret, dark and deep… we should be gathering our courage to face the foe, and it is Christ the True King who comes to enter into that subterranean realm to do battle and defeat him once and for all.”

— Father Dwight Longenecker
 

"But destruction can also pave the way for creation," they say. That is the ironic point here. The Minotaur destroys the false palaces, yet it too in its violent rage is self-destructive and doomed. The Minotaur can tear down but it cannot build. The kings can build but they have no foundation but catacombs. Ultimately all such false things will annihilate themselves, and it is only in our willingness to see them fall that we can be re-created by Christ– the Only Source of True Life, the Only One Who has risen from the dead, and the only True Foundation on which anything can be built.

Let Jesus in to storm their hollow castles and empty the tombs. Let Him defeat the proud kings and wicked monsters. Then you will be reborn in His Victory over both death and decadence, to a new life in God.



“A Catholic may sin and sin as badly as anyone else; but no genuine Catholic ever denies he is a sinner. A Catholic wants his sins forgiven, not excused or sublimated.”

— Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

A Catholic lays his soul bare before God and all, because only then– in absolutely raw honesty– can every last corner of his heart be scrubbed clean by Christ’s mercy.

I do not want my sins excused, because I do not want to sin at all! I want my sins pointed out, chastised, corrected, and forgiven. Something in me is broken when I sin, so I desperately seek to fix it– not deny it! Lord have mercy on me, a sinner… if I do not admit this terrible illness in truth, I will never receive the mercy that can heal it.



“A Christian is not his own master, since all his time belongs to God.”

— St. Ignatius of Antioch (via averosamystica)

Remember this daily. Are you spending your time, which was given to you by God, for His sake? He gives you so much; are you grateful and using it well, or are you wasting this precious gift? One day He will not give you any more time, and you will have to give a full account of your spending! Keep this in mind, and honor the moments you have been entrusted with!



"I would rather die than do a thing which I know to be a sin, or against the will of God."

-Saint Joan of Arc

I think about this quote almost every day; it’s effectively inscribed in my heart. Honestly all Christian souls should hold this same sentiment with as much courage and fortitude as they can muster, and should ask the Holy Spirit for increased grace to hold ever the more truly to it as we grow in holiness until our inevitable, and hopefully blessed, deaths.

Apparently, Saint Joan said this after receiving a mortal wound, and some soldiers wanted to heal her with pagan charms. She refused with the quote above, adding that “if to her could be applied a remedy without sin, she was very willing to be cured”. Mind, she sought life not for her own sake, but for the sake of continuing her mission from God, which she indeed lived to complete, praying before every action and weeping for the souls of those who died in the sieges, friends and enemies both.

She has been one of my patron saints since early childhood, a holy woman who others inexplicably but consistently associated with me. In time her life has proven to hold many notable similarities to and lessons for mine, and I am deeply humbled and honored to call her one of my most specially beloved patron saints. Dear Saint Joan, pray for us!





prismaticbleed: (angel)

(ALL FROM PHONE)


We are held to the Cross by our HANDS & FEET: our works and our walk.
If you do not die on your cross THEY WILL BREAK YOUR LEGS

Cross is GROUNDED in the UNSEEN
Also grounded in general; affects immediate earthly life

Our only crown in death is the PROCLAMATION OF CHRIST

Women attracted to "bad boys"-- our love won't save them, but GOD'S LOVE WILL. "Pouring water into an empty well" eventually TRANSFORMS them

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary weeping at cross: how God weeps when he loses ANY CHILD? Esp. BECAUSE of Jesus

Jesus INVENTED color! "What can I learn about God through the reality of color?" Music, etc..

I adore ONLY GOD but I love others too. BUT ONLY Because God loved ME FIRST and Taught me HIS Love, so I CAN love others WITH HIS LOVE

Mary is the perfect created being AND perfect disciple! She imitated Christ in all things, in that she obeyed God COMPLETELY in all things

"If you are king of the jews, come down from the cross" = because you must follow the example of your king and they did NOT want to get on their cross

TEMPTATION TRIADS IN GARDENS = SO WAS GOLGOTHA!!
Stones into bread: force unbelievers to believe?? Stone hearts, bread of life. free will!!
Throw self off temple: COME DOWN FROM CROSS!!
Bow and worship devil: give the mockers the signs they demanded? Make the cross a "magic trick;" make it appealing to the world instead of the mystery of faith

Women don't preach: we are the RECEIVING VESSELS from which OTHERS (men of church) can draw Living Water! LIKE MARY! We write books of messages and reflections, NOT sermons and teachings. What God gives us to reveal, a priest may speak from the pulpit, but WE are NOT to stand there ourselves!!

"A rock that God cannot lift" = INHERENTLY FLAWED ARGUMENT.  Judging God by men's standards. Inherently denies God's own free will in refusing to make such a rock. ALSO THE GOATS "KOAN POTATO" PRINCIPLE = what defines "too heavy"? What defines a rock, or even weight, but MAN?  For example, God could create a rock 30 miles wide, But put it in a place with no gravity, Therefore rendering it utterly weightless. So size has no bearing on whether or not he can lift it, Let alone anyone else. Furthermore he could create a rock the size of a grain of sand, But put it somewhere with gravity almost as intense as a black hole, Therefore rendering that miniscule rock utterly immovable by the very laws of physics, EFFECTIVELY BECOMING "too big for Him to lift" SOLELY BECAUSE OF PHYSICAL LAWS THAT HE CREATED HIMSELF.  

Also, ALL GOD'S WORKS ARE PURPOSEFUL AND GOOD AND PERFECT: so what would making such a rock accomplish to that end? He does  Not exist to entertain man, nor to satisfy our faithless questions and prideful curiosities.

IF YOU NEED AN IMMOVABLE ROCK IN ORDER TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO JESUS

"Offend" in Bible: "off end?" Knocked off balance by. Those who keep God's Law CANNOT be "off-ended," i.e. "shaken," because their feet are FIRM UPON THE ROCK (see previous)

Also the etymology itself is demanding a reflection, write it

(PLUS etymology of disdain & contempt, gives PROPER understanding of Jesus's treatment of mockery with those words; it's not malicious on His end; we misunderstand the word usage)

Connection point: the rock argument is the same essence as "come down from the Cross and we'll believe"; it's utterly shortsighted and wicked, betraying root pride and disdain, a DISINCLINATION to have faith at ALL, therefore in a sense NULLIFYING the argument itself as already preemptively refusing to ACCEPT proof to the contrary, despite that being the alleged POINT of the whole question.

Humility made woman (Mary) a door through which Christ/life/holiness could enter the world; whereas Pride made woman (Eve) a door through which Satan/death/sin could enter the world!!

⭐Question: is there a PARALLEL between the LOCATION of both decisions? Mary's home vs the Tree of Knowledge? Sincecthe Cross was over Adam's grave!

WHERE is Mary's home geographically?

Patience: lack of power, even if only in the refusal to exercise it?? CROSS. Humble endurance vs proud escape. ONLY successful motive is SELFLESS LOVE

⭐True power: to do GOD'S WILL, NOT MAN'S WANT... especially when God's will Looks like weakness to men.

"Come down and we'll believe" = THEY wanted Power OVER JESUS. Putting themselves in God's place-- "If you are the Son of God, you will obey ME/ If you are the King of the Jews, you will do what I WANT" etc. Ironic total opposite of how one Should treat a king, let alone God Himself.

THE WHOLE TIME Jesus was being mocked & taunted, He wasn't thinking of how sinful & proud & arrogant those people were. He was LOVING AND FORGIVING THEM.

That motivation alone, even just for staying on the Cross, is HUGE. Humans may act out of self righteousness, proving a point, spite, shaming them, etc. NOT JESUS. it was only compassion.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Via Dolorosa: Jesus falling under the cross and just lying there. Heart shattered thinking about that

Moralimon: blood & water factions? Positive and negative virtue growth association

Carry the cross NO MATTER HOW YOU RECEIVE IT. Simon had it violently and rudely thrust upon him by the cruel world. BUT IT IS STILL THE CROSS OF CHRIST.

When was the first EUCHARISTIC PRESENCE after the Ascension?? Who celebrated it?

Confession and amendment: but amending is a process. Picking at the scab, even accidentally, interrupts mending, but does NOT STOP healing... unless you won't LET the wound stay closed.

Scars?

"Why hast thou forsaken me" = a REPLY to "let God save him if he loves him" ??? Because it's a QUOTE FROM A PSALM. Why was he allegedly forsaken, not rescued? READ THE PSALM.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What happened when Saint Dismas died? Was he still on his cross?

The desire for novelty DISRESPECTS the Unchanging quality of God, AND REQUIRES DEATH! Every new obsession or desire requires the death of an old one.

Judas betrayal: gain the world but lose your soul= everything is Worthless without God, to love and share

⭐I DON'T WANT HAPPINESS, I WANT JOY

Homosexuality: inability to love the "other"? PRIDE. pun intended. Seeing inevitable satanic patterns in its culture.

Why do compliments and praise excite vainglory and pride? Because they honor the MAN, NOT GOD.

ANGEL FOOD: ON EARTH, IT'S FALLEN ANGELS!! Don't fall for the trick!
👆"What concept or essence of God am I really seeking here?" A good and deeply moving loving meditation.

"Who will empty the bitter cup [vinegar on cross] so that it may be filled [wine of God]?" = CHRIST

"Can you drink of the cup, " etc. Thoughts.

Not knowing who is in heaven prevents PRESUMPTION and cold detachment,  and promotes HOLY FEAR, HUMILITY, & PRAYER FOR OTHERS

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truly appreciating the Atonement: imagine the SENTENCE Jesus would receive IN YOUR PLACE.

"Paul, why are you persecuting ME?" = BODY OF CHRIST

HE'S ASKING YOU THIS, TOO, WITH SELF-PERSECUTION

Humans vs animals: REASON, FREEDOM, KNOWLEDGE, ABILITY TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

Active vs passive participation in God's Goodness

"The FULLEST expression of those truths & graces necessary for salvation is found in CATHOLICISM" = the essence of Catholicism is CHRIST, and growing conformity TO HIM

Religion and spirituality are BOTH important: EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL

RELIGION & MASS ARE NOT MEANT TO PLACATE, NOR IS THEIR VALIDITY AFFECTED BY, OUR EMOTIONS AND OPINIONS!!!

Strive to live as Christ wills, and pray, EVEN IF YOU FEEL COLD/ EMPTY/ ETC.

⭐Televised masses= RISK A LACK OF THE SENSE OF HOLY FEAR, REVERENCE, SOLEMNITY, ETC.

Christian contemplation is focused NOT on the unknowable, but on THE FACE OF CHRIST, who IS THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOD THE UNKNOWABLE. This is profound

SALT: of the earth, paradox? Salt RUINS earth so nothing grows: prevents GROWTH OF WORLDLY VICE! But salt makes FOOD better AND preserves it: true food, CHRIST! Also salt promotes "living water" retention

SPIRITUAL HUNGER IS NOT SPIRITUAL STARVATION

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Purgatory was created when Christ "descended into hell" upon His death?? He CANNOT literally "go into hell" because hell is the absence of God and Christ IS God.

BUT! LITERALLY NO ONE COULD GET INTO HEAVEN UNTIL CHRIST DIED because I think NO ONE COULD MERIT IT WITHOUT HIS ATONING GRACE? Only those that God took up were in heaven, like Elijah and Abraham.

HOWEVER we're told that the fires of purgatory ARE the fires of hell??? And nothing Christ touches EVER goes back to what it was prior. So is purgatory that part of "hell" that Christ descended into upon His death, to rescue the dead in faith?? It's in the psalms: "the dead cannot praise you" etc.

The Cross is ENTIRELY a symbol of LOVE. "Head bowed to kiss, arms open to embrace," etc. The violence done to Him IN that position only strengthens it.

The secular world is blind to this, while ironically singing "I would die for you" and "we bleed for love" etc.

Message from last night's dream: Jesus will come SUDDENLY and ABSOLUTELY. you MUST be ready at All Times or you WILL be locked out!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our hearts must be BROKEN OPEN before we can be reborn In Christ-- like the graves being broken open at the Crucifixion so that the saints could Rise AT the Resurrection! As opposed to whitewashed tombs of the Pharisees; denying that it even IS a tomb, harder than the stones (diamond? Hard, pretty to see but useless to BUILD ON? -- wants attention and glory, not humble labor; and occurs too small for a heart? + FLAWS!!)

+flowers bursting through concrete = Christ indomitable

"All the people . . . smote their breasts," in token of sorrow, "and returned." They begin now to put forth the blossoms of repentance, that they may bear fruit at the preaching of S. Peter and the Apostles (Acts ii.).

Parallel between the veil of the Temple and Christ's clothes? The latter being untorn, the former being SPLIT IN TWO? Plus the gambling by soldiers?? Vs ignorant priests??

LINEN comparisons, burial shroud? Swaddling cloth? Etc.

THE HOLY HUMILIATION OF GOD IN THE PROFANING OF THE HOLY OF HOLIES: made common to reach common man. Accessible by even the deplorable, if that's their ONLY CHANCE of ever accessing Christ then so be it, to save them. Mystery of passion, CROWN OF THORNS. love profound.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Therapy: practice and application. Trust in TRUTH and the NEED FOR HUMILITY AND INTEGRITY to do this at ALL.

"You don't need the other person to admit they did wrong to get closure." Why? Realizing PRIDE demands this?? WHY do you want them to be sorry? So you can have the power over them, the upper hand, the "I am right and you are wrong" twisting of justice? OR do you seek LOVE? Forgiveness wants an apology for THEIR SAKE, not mine. I seek their ability to feel CONTRITION for their own souls sake!! But I FORGIVE them and so I can HEAL. This does NOT rob justice, it feeds MERCY, and ironically this SOOTHES JUSTICE?? Because the wrong was done, yes, but seeking vengeance or refusing to release the victim card just perpetuates pain and PREVENTS justice from being achieved, BECAUSE JUSTICE IS INHERENTLY A VIRTUE OF HARMONY AND AMENDMENT. It seeks to make the broken things whole, to make the uneven scales balanced once more. Therefore if I forgive out of mercy and tend my wounds of trauma, I BOTH ACKNOWLEDGE THE INJUSTICE THAT CAUSED THOSE INJURIES, AND DO NOT DENY OR DOWNPLAY IT, AND ALSO ACHIEVE THE HARMONY OF SOULS THROUGH FORGIVENESS THAT WOULD OTHERWISE BE IMPOSSIBLE WITH A GRUDGE ON MY PART OR REFUSAL TO REPENT ON THE PERPETRATOR'S PART. This is very important!!

Our desire to be always right is secretly rooted in the desire to be closer to God, to walk in His ways-- for ONLY GOD is always right! But we will do less wrong the closer we are to Him.

Correction should bring joy then! Indeed it DOESN'T hurt! The pain comes from awareness of our distance from God. So cling to correction, as it is a rescue rope, lifting you up!

WE ARE NOT GOD! Therefore we must be corrected in His instruction.

STEALING IS THE SIN OF JUDAS!!!

Do unto others as to Christ, seeing Him IN them-- not a literal deification of others, BUT recognizing Him AS THEIR GUIDE, CREATOR, AND PROTECTOR. Everything they do is under His will or allowance; everything they receive or lose is from His hand; everything they say to you is heard and orchestrated by Him, for blessing or chastisement. Christ is OMNIPRESENT yet NOT IMPERSONAL!!! HE CREATED ALL THINGS FOR HIMSELF AND THROUGH HIMSELF, therefore all things are EVEN NOW under His TOTAL CARE AND JURISDICTION, while still respecting free will within His holy limits.

HUMILITY IS KEY!!! Because how can you serve, let alone SEE, God in others, if you are so proud you see YOURSELF as your God???

VIRTUE IN EXTREMIS: do good without any reward, recognition, comfort, or recompense. Do good even in death and dearth, even if only God sees it, ever.

PLUS remember all the folk tales of God and angels and saints in disguise!!!

VICE IN EXTREMIS IS DOUBLY REPREHENSIBLE BECAUSE IT ANNIHILATES THIS DIVINE OPPORTUNITY FOR REDEMPTION AND HOLINESS: see the two thieves!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nature reflects FALLEN NATURE now because Man could not live in heaven after sinning!! So nature fell WITH Man, as part of the curse.
"Unnatural" yet occurs in nature; not a paradox, because sin is DISOBEDIENT and FALSE. Misuse of function, mutation, perversion, etc.

ARE YOU LIVING A DEAD LIFE OR A LIVING LIFE? Consider the FIG TREE. Where is your fruit? Are your actions FRUITFUL TO CHRIST, or are they dead ends, occurring in and of themselves with no further merit?

"If you were stranded on an island and could have ONE book, what would it be?" Clever answer: GUIDE TO SHIPBUILDING. Not only is this an allegory for life and the Bible's proper application, but the cleverness of the response betrays an inherent common misconception of the question: ESCAPE IS NOT FORBIDDEN. You're not doomed unless you sit on your butt and do nothing!!!

Again, CONSIDER THE FIG TREE.

"Who am i?" Morning question meditation. Thinking about colors: HOLY RED + WHITE; I've been blending them as pink BUT THEN I'M LOSING THOSE OTHER INTEGRAL ESSENCES. Also colors are only "pure" when they COME FROM LIGHT and remember COLORS EXIST AS A RAINBOW INHERENTLY.

Boredom is just a fear of death AND BIG PICTURE BLINDNESS. We're only ever bored IF WE'RE LIVING FOR OURSELF, afraid to die for others!!!

Fulton Sheen sermon on JACOB & THE ANGEL

ACT ON YOUR FAITH. "Praying for rain but not carrying an umbrella" doubt.

Why are we called to love Mary, and go to Christ THROUGH Her? Because SATAN HATES HER. She is the perfect created being. If we feel PROUD we will be UNABLE to love her as a result-- because such love requires humility, and confession of our own imperfection!! PLUS, we must love our fellow man. If we can't even love JESUS'S MOM, how are we ever supposed to love our neighbors, let alone God??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OBEDIENCE MUST BE ROOTED IN REVERENCE TO PLEASE GOD. The NT High Priests DID obey and worship God, following all the laws to the letter, BUT they had no HEARTFELT REVERENCE? Which is a result of CHILDLIKE LOVE AND HOLY FEAR. I think their positions of power were obstacles to such humility and "littleness of heart" before Him. True obedience requires a SERVICE MINDSET, but NOT A "SERVANT" ONE?? Because a servant can be bought and sold and not feel ANY love of their master. But Jesus said "I call you FRIENDS." And friendship love makes obedience a JOY, something we actually freely SEEK to do out of charity and gratitude.

+ "obedience is sustained by PRAYER"= talking with God as FATHER AND FRIEND. Gives us strength and Courage.

I noticed I "test" this a lot. If I feel my obedience is willing, but weirdly begrudged, I ASK GOD: "Teach me to love obeying you in this. What am I regretting or fearing? Help me see it and heal it." Ultimately though it ALL boils down to a LACK OF TRUST IN GOD, AND A LACK OF PERFECT LOVE TOWARDS HIM.

"Your faith has saved/healed you"= JESUS IS NOT A VENDING MACHINE. In order for His Power to work RIGHTEOUSLY in you, RESPECTING GOD, you must respond as such! Jesus is not a pill you can casually take to feel better!! He heals you THROUGH GOD'S POWER, and His Power can ONLY HELP THOSE WHOSE HEARTS ARE OPEN TO HIM.

⭐My guilt response is broken because MOM SHAMES ME FOR BEING SORRY??? "Is the brown sugar gone?" My fault, I say "yes" and she gets mad. Now I am very sorry, BUT!!! If I SHOW sadness and say "I'm sorry," she gets ANGRIER??? And says "oh, don't start with the crying!! Or I'll walk right out this door!!" And so I STIFLE IT?? AND IN TIME THIS CORRODES MY ABILITY TO FEEL SORRY????

Jesus vs music?? Emotional imaging DOESN'T APPLY? Solemnity. Worried about bigger picture here; pray, meditate & type.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Holy Spirit doesn't come in pieces; He comes all at once, like at Pentecost. But remember that the apostles had been receiving preparations for that reception for years! Yes they had previously been weak and doubtful, but they had just lived through Christ's Passion and His resurrection, which gave them the graces needed for their hearts to be open enough TO receive the Holy Spirit. That was the final step; now they were just waiting for that seemed to be planted and bloom, but the soil Had been worked for a very long time before that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

prismaticbleed: (angel)

I genuinely think that the reason we are currently being denied access to the Most Holy Eucharist (COVID restrictions) is because we have been desecrating it for too long through complacency. How many of us DO have unconfessed mortal sins on our souls, yet we "reason" their gravity away through feeble self-justification and proud excuses? How many of us don't fast properly before receiving the Real Presence? How many of us leave right after the Sacrament? How many of us drift through the Holy Mass in distraction and ignorance, before receiving Jesus Christ Himself with what can only be described as a blasphemous lack of ardent recognition and love? How many of us don't even really BELIEVE that Christ is Present there? How many of us forget that He remains in us after Mass, and return to living lives that mock our faith WHILE Jesus abides literally within our bodies?

God has temporarily deprived us of the greatest blessing we HAVE on earth, because we didn't realize that's what it was, and we didn't honor it as such. So now, in this season of mourning, let us repent, let us strive to amend our lives and purify our hearts, let us do penance for our awful lack of love and devote ourselves more totally and sincerely than ever before to living lives worthy of our call to be Christians. God is chastising us out of profound love-- we must humbly submit to His discipline and change our ways, for we may never get such a notable chance again!!

----------------------------------------------------------------


I'm homebound the way it is, but the added depth and "memento mori" feeling of this COVID quarantine has deepened my faith SO much, SO quickly, and I had been scraping through Lent in near despair. Thanks be to God; I don't know what sort of paradoxical grace this is but WOW. I'm praying, reading holy books, studying Scripture, & watching more online masses than ever before, out of LOVE. Like my soul is ravenous for holiness now. | can't NOT seek God. And it's an ever deepening love, fervent with joy and desire to know Him more closely. It's amazing. I guess it's true that the Real awareness of one's mortality- as an immunocompromised individual in a VERY high risk family- pushes one all the more to focus on the spiritual over the physical, the lasting over the temporal. But | always thought it'd feel obligatory. Nope! This faith growth is entirely grace. There's no forcing, no begrudging, no reluctance. Its absolutely JOYOUS. Like heart burning, teary eyed NEED for God, and WANT of God, that was never so intense or freely felt before.

I've wanted this all my life. God keep me here, & closer!


If you ask God to help you grow, do not be surprised if it starts raining.

This is so important! EVERYTHING God gives us is a blessing from His Hand, meant to help us grow in holiness, to grow closer to Him!
So give thanks to the Lord at all times, and sing in the rain He sends. ❤🌧🎶🙏

(also... of course this reminds me of a certain someone, who has helped me grow so much spiritually. he's a perfect example of this. thank You, God, for him.)


worshipgifs: My goal is to pray so much and so often I pray with out realizing it. I want talk to God and learn how to tap in to a relationship. I want to hear His thoughts and I want to laugh with Him. I want to pray so much that it is like talking to my best friend.

This. This is what I want, so much.

I want to live in ever-deepening love with God every moment of my life… and to live in perfect eternal love with Him in heaven.


God meets us where we are, not where we pretend to be.

God is Truth Himself. We must be open-heartedly honest in order to meet Him, at all… no exceptions, no excuses.
But He waits for us… 🙏🥺


otiumetbellum:

The danger of peace and decadence lies in the ability of temporal pleasure to cause man to forget about the war that is forever waged within himself.

This is the reason why are called the Church Militant– We seek Christ’s peace, not that of the world, and His peace is rooted in hope of heaven with Him– for our true and complete triumph comes only after death, when we are reunited with Christ our Victor! Until then, it’s war against the devil, the flesh, and the world, and we can only achieve that through Him, Who is opposed to all such temporal temptations! So remember from Whom an to Where you are called, hold to this holy hope, do not despair, and endure until the very end as a soldier of God.



“The human soul has still greater need of the ideal than of the real. It is by the real that we exist; it is by the ideal that we live.”

— Victor Hugo
 

What is real now is only imperfect. What is ideal is what exists in God– the true full potential of Creation, and its ultimate fulfillment in Christ, which we see the first realized glimpse of in the Resurrection of Jesus. We too are called to be part of this divine ideal, as we are also part of the real that He glorified as man, for we alone as reasoning souls are able to perceive this blessed hope, let alone participate in it through faith. Therefore, whereas all other creatures only exist, it is our sacred responsibility as humans to live, to strive ever upwards, and to carry all of Creation with us, in the salvific strength of our perfect Savior.


“Beauty attached to God is sacrament, cut off from God it becomes an idol.”
Frithjof Schuon
 

God is the Source and Cause of beauty. If we fail to recognize Him in it, then we effectively admire earthly beauty as its own cause– turning it into a false god. This misattribution is the essence of all idolatry.


"Religious experience is bigger than religion. That is to say, God himself is “outside the box.” While we have our doctrines and dogmas and traditions and theology, God is greater than all our explanations and there is more in heaven and earth than our neat little answers can contain."

Fr. Dwight Longenecker

modern-day-distributist: I don’t disagree, but people usually only say that sort of thing right before they go full heresy mode.
 

Honestly that’s what concerns me about most of the reblogs here. It’s a humbling truth that can sadly be taken far out of the proper context.

Nevertheless, in a beautiful sort of irony, Fr. Longenecker said this in an article discussing how Catholicism’s history of the miraculous is still entirely valid even if the formal religion has no outright inclusion of such things. And even then, God is greater than BOTH wondrous miracles and religious comprehension. But even so, God EXISTS, not as some vague and unknowable pantheistic “force,” but as GOD, the Creator of All, Who we see reflected in all and Who we do strive to know and worship and serve to the best of our humble human ability… but Who is inevitably bigger than our brains can fathom, and the experience of Him, beyond theory and study and dogma, will always shatter our notions and knowledge in some way… because it will both fulfill and surpass them in a way that can never be confined in systematic theology.

Religious experience DOES NOT invalidate religion. Personal religious experience, in truth, must always be evaluated in light Of religion, as our own feelings are prone to skewed objectivism and may not be legitimate outside of our own imaginations, as it were. But honest religious experience is “bigger than” religion in that it is not obligated to occur within the bounds of any formal faith practice– for indeed, such practices grow and are enriched over time BY religious experience. Consider Abraham, Moses, Jesus Himself! They and so many more experienced their religion in ways that their religious practice hadn’t fully been able to include prior. And Jesus Christ is honestly the BEST example of this: “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.” (Matthew 5:17)

If you are quoting this in an attempt to elevate the supposed validity of your own objective experiences above the time-tested validity of subjective religion, you have grossly misunderstood the essence of the quote itself. But if you reblog this as a humble admission that even your own experiences cannot and will not ever fully comprehend God– and that He may indeed reveal Himself to you or others in ways that confound and baffle all your previous individual notions– then you’re on the right track.

A rule of thumb: in discussing God & religion, if you are speaking from a sense of pride or superiority, you’re no longer discussing God, but yourself. God is bigger than you, and that is what this quote is about. You are not your experiences. They happen TO you. And the One who gives those experiences cannot be held in any finite box, no matter how sturdy and solid the box is. It’s just too limited– not in “size,” but in what it’s able to hold. Think of it this way: can you fill a box with the color of a sunrise? Or the sound of a river in springtime? Those things are real and beautiful and true, but they can’t be fully described or comprehended outside of direct experience. In this sense, Religion is a painting, a photo, an orchestra, a book– all gorgeous and grand ways of more fully expounding such experiences, but never able to encompass the totality of what it holds in honest part. Nothing is invalidated or denied. You just need both to properly get it– and even then, God is bigger than it all.



"What if" = Fear
"Even if" = Faith


Some may say this is "inquiry vs hubris."

It’s only hubris if you’re trusting in yourself– that’s the literal opposite of faith.

And faith is not without inquiry. The point is that, even in the face of a trillion hypotheses, God Is Still Good. Fear only asks “what if?” But faith responds TO fear with an infinitely joyful “even if.” What if the worst occurs? What if this cannot be fixed? What if I die? Even if all this and more happens, God Is Still Good, and He is STILL in charge of everything, orchestrating it all to reach His ultimate ends– “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Hubris denies fear. Faith soothes it. Inquiry is actually stifled by pride, which seeks to shut up any negative possibilities, thus leaving fear in hiding until failure or disaster inevitably occurs, which pride cannot admit. But eventually fear will become the loudest voice, like a panicked child desperate for comfort… and that’s when faith must step in and embrace it. Yes, things are scary. Yes, things are painful. Yes, you may not see any light at the end of the tunnel. But have faith. Do not be afraid. God Is Still Good. And this adamantine assurance will carry you through every question and crisis both, until at the end of it all, fear ceases forever and peace reigns with joy.


“The revulsion towards and violent detachment from nature leads to its desecration, to the destruction of the organic conception of the world as a cosmos, as an order of forms reflecting a higher meaning, as the ‘visible manifestation of the invisible’ - a conception (of Indo-European origin) which is an integral part of the Classical view of the world and which also lies at the basis of various forms of knowledge of a different sort compared to profane, modern science.”

— Julius Evola, The Bow and the Club
 

Such revulsion and detachment ultimately stems from pride, a self-idolatry that inherently opposes the humbling reality of a greater whole, of a cosmos that is defined by “us and them” instead of “me.” All of Creation is God’s Creation, blooming from His Heart, an ineffably grand painting that inevitably bears the signature brushstrokes of its Painter. But pride hates to be a painted thing, especially just one among trillions, and so it begins to detest the work of art itself, denying its Cause and Purpose, and instead attempts to make a painting within a painting– not as a joyously innocent imitation of the art around it, as one who acknowledges their proper place in the cosmic whole could do– but as a staggeringly arrogant and futile effort to replace the canvas itself, proclaiming itself as the true functional backdrop of all things, despite not having any hand in the matter even then. But such con artists manipulate, and mutilate, and make every effort to usurp and appropriate power from the Creation they have come to begrudge so bitterly. They desecrate because to admit sacredness means admitting ones own inherent mortal failure to achieve it. They ignore the higher because they can be kings of the lower, but only servants of what is above. They think themselves greater than nature, from “other things,” but in the end, all this achieves for them is a lonely death, ironically surrounded by a universe that only ever wanted to embrace them again as God’s Child… but they said no.



“…unless you shall do penance, you shall all likewise perish.”

The Gospel According to Saint Luke, cap. xiii, verse 3 (via egosvmqvisvm)

There are no exceptions, to both justice and mercy… yet there are conditions. We are condemned to the first by our pride and ignorance, and only faithful penance can free us to receive the second. God will have mercy on us only if we humble ourselves enough to genuinely admit our desperate need of it.



“Even in trifling matters the depths of one’s heart can be seen.”

— Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Remember this. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.” (Luke 16:10)

The heart is the fountain of all our deeds. “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:45)

Make sure yours is anchored to Christ, and humbly obedient to Him, because left alone, the heart is pulled violently to and fro by wicked things, and it will become corrupt by constantly acquiescing to their whims. The waters of our soul become dirtied terrifyingly easily. Furthermore, our very nature is sinful because sin is disobedience, and from birth, our fallen pride sadly disposes us to commit such. Only Jesus can change this, and so we must die with Him to be recreated in Him. Only then will our hearts be renewed, more and more day by day, until our inner depths are washed clean and clear.



momentsbeforemass:

“We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.” – C.S. Lewis

After the Resurrection, there’s a strange exchange between Jesus and Peter. We see it in today’s Gospel. Jesus asks Peter, “do you love me?” Peter says yes.

Just like you’d expect.

Jesus repeats the question. Peter gives the same answer.

But Peter knows that something’s off.

Jesus repeats the question again. Now, it’s not a friendly question.

Peter is distressed. Because he sees where Jesus is going. This is a call-back to Peter’s most shameful moment. To Peter’s betrayal of Jesus.

On the night before the Crucifixion. When Peter, the one who bragged about being with Jesus to the end, ended up denying even knowing Jesus. Three times.

This is Peter’s reboot. It’s progress. But progress that doesn’t ignore what Peter did.

It’s the only kind of progress that can last. One that begins by turning back. To deal with what went wrong.

Before Peter can be filled with the Holy Spirit. Before Peter can live up to the new name that Jesus gave him. Before Peter can be who God made him to be. Before Peter can make any progress.

Peter has to turn back. Peter has to deal with what went wrong. Peter has to get right with Jesus.

The Gospel is showing us a universal truth. When things go wrong. Especially when we’re the reason why they went wrong. We can’t just ignore what happened, what we did. And try to keep on going like it was nothing.

It’s not healthy. And the longer we avoid it, the worse it will get.

We’ll never make any real progress towards being who God made us to be, without first turning back, without dealing with it.

Without that re-grounding in God, there can be no progress. Not for Peter. Not for any of us.

It’s simple. It’s not easy. But God will give you the courage to do it. If you have the humility to ask.

Turn back. Deal with it. Get right with God.

Then get ready to see real progress.

Go. God is waiting for you with open arms.

 

The only kind of progress that lasts begins with turning back, to deal with what went wrong. Especially when we’re the reason why they went wrong, we can’t just ignore what happened. We must get right with God and each other.

This hit me like a truck, especially since I honestly JUST received the grace TO do this in a broken friendship, two years of prayer later. But by God’s mercy, in response to my contrition and confession, He set things as right as they could be, and I am profoundly grateful… and profoundly humbled.

Turn back and deal with it. Remember the prodigal son. God is always there waiting to mend whatever you give Him… but you must first admit why it’s broken. Don’t be afraid though. God loves to fix things. And once He does, you will be able to move forwards in joyful gratitude, to a more whole and holy future.









prismaticbleed: (angel)




Guess who got special pastoral permission to attend FIRST FRIDAY MASS!! 🙏❤💜❤🙏

Gosh my heart is so happy. I MISS CHURCH. 🥺



hellchaplain:

the stripping of the altar gets to me every time.

we all sit silently, watching the communion elements, and the candles, and the cross, and the tablecloth, and the celebration, slowly get carried away out of the room. we watch until all that’s left is a bare table. emptiness. 

this always sends me right there, to the night of the last supper. the meal is over. jesus and the disciples go out to the garden, and jesus prays so intensely, “take this cup from me.”

and then the authorities show up and arrest him.

jesus and his disciples have just shared this huge, warm, love-filled meal. maybe the most wonderful time they’ve ever had together, celebrating the holiday of the passover.

and now, so quickly, jesus has been taken. he is absent.

i wonder, did they all go back to the house where they ate? as mary, and mary, and all the unnamed others cleared the table and cleaned up after dinner, what was it like in the house? intensely and oppressively silent, i imagine, with desperate stares into one another’s faces. what do you do after your messiah is so quickly and easily arrested and taken away? it’s a shock.

we shared this meal, we shared communion. it was amazing and love-filled and everything we ever wanted. and now, just as quickly, it’s over. it’s done. they took jesus, and it’s done. 

the table is empty.

we are empty.

the stripping of the altar gets to me every time.



I feel this is more relevant this year than ever before, for us.

We cannot even watch this happen, right now, at least not in person. But it is still happening, an eternal echo of that first empty evening, when no soul knew what was to come. But we have hope. We know the joy that will return on Sunday. And yet, we do not know what will happen in our lives now– except for that same guarantee of hope and joy in Christ, of His fullness after the emptiness is over.

The altars will be stripped, the churches will be empty, the double absence will be felt. It will ache. It must ache.

But Jesus has not left us, even now, even if for a time He seems to have been taken away. Do not despair. This is not the end.





crawlingtowardchrist:

We are in a time of massive isolation, so many people that can’t leave their homes or see their friends. Here are some suggestions to bolster your faith and Christian strength.

  1. Read the Bible- as Catholics we should be more familiar with the Bible, we compiled the Bible together, all of our teachings come from it in some way, and they are words directly from Our Lord to us.
  2. Pray the Rosary- if you are stuck inside for hours or days, there is no excuse to not say a daily Rosary, spend time with Jesus’s mother! Ask her to pray for you, be in her presence, say the Rosary.
  3. Pray the Liturgy of the Hours- say the prayers of the Church with all the other people in isolation, monks in monasteries, and priests. Praying the LOTH allows your prayers to combine with others in community.
  4. Read the Catechism- learn about what the Catholic Church teaches, see what sets it apart from other Christian Churches, know what you should believe.
  5. Other spiritual reading- besides the Bible, there is a multitude of books written by Saints and Theologians. I highly suggest The Spiritual Combat
  6. Learn more about the lives of the saints. They have such incredible lives, learn about them, become amateur Church historian.
  7. Make a home altar- simply a table with a crucifix, candle, saint statues, and a Bible. Make a beautiful space to pray in.
  8. Find a new devotion- the Jesus Prayer, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy
  9. Make some Rosaries- there is a constant need of donations
  10. Acts of charity- call your elderly relative who may be very scared right now, let them know you are thinking of them. Donate money to organizations helping to fight this virus. Anything else you can think of while also social distancing.

There are many more things I’m sure, but these are some suggestions I would like to do and I want to share these suggestions to others.

Also, never feel overwhelmed. God does not demand obsession over works or checklists– He only tells us that we must love Him with wholehearted devotion. So yes, do these things, but do them with patient sincerity, as your means allow, yet always striving to love a little more each day.

Start small, like a mustard seed, if you must. But please still plant that seed! If you water it with faith, daily, it will grow in due time. God has given us much time indeed, now, so gratefully thank Him for this opportunity. Don’t give up! Pray if you struggle or are afraid. He will hear you and help you.

Let us use this time of isolation as an “inner room” of real spiritual growth. Let our homes be as churches, as monasteries and cloisters if we must. But let us take full advantage of the hidden blessings we have now. These are truly beautiful suggestions– pick one to focus on today, and build from there!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


FROM PHONE:


A game-changing distinction that I, for one, tend to forget, is that the Cross HURTS. Carrying it is GOING TO HURT, even when we choose to carry it, because it's SUPPOSED TO HURT. Jesus Himself feared its pains BUT nevertheless abandoned Himself to it out of LOVE! We must pray for that same grace to not deny or ignore the agonies in life, but to FEEL them WITH Christ, and so embrace it. "Embrace" is the key word. Even though that Cross tore His flesh and drew terrible blood, Jesus embraced it with love. He ACTIVELY accepted it, without grudge or grumbling, because He knew it was God's Will, which is infinite compassion. It still hurt. But loving faith made it bearable.

How strange, yet how profound, of a blessing we have been given in this heavy cross of pandemic church closures-- and during Holy Week, no less! This may be the first time we can TRULY empathize with Christ's feelings of utter loneliness and abandonment, even of distance from God's tangible Presence amidst acute suffering. We must all embrace this opportunity to grow closer to Him wholeheartedly. God, give us the grace!

“Faith is not a panacea." Jesus never promised us a pain free life. Indeed, He commanded us TO take up our crosses! But He DID promise us peace, in Him, in God. So don't despair if the weight stays on your back. Instead, join Jesus in your suffering. Unite your heart to His.

Beauty in variety of our daily crosses: JEWELS!!


-----------------------------

I will never get over this eating disorder by hating food; it can ONLY be overcome by LOVE OF GOD!!!

The scourging: WORLDLY TOLERANCE. "You can beat Him, just don't kill Him" = STILL letting them HATE and ABUSE Him!!

KILLING TIME BREAKS THE 5TH COMMANDMENT!!!

My elements are still snow and flame, BUT!!!
It's SPIRITUAL FLAME and SNOW-PURE BODY!!
"May the heat of the flesh be COOLED, and the chill of the soul made WARM"
The OPPOSITE is HELL: a frozen soul, an enflamed self.

I am Fully Convinced that processed foods are possessed by demonic spirits, considering the massive notable psychospiritual effects I experience from both eating AND purging them.
IS THIS WHY FASTING IS IMPORTANT??? DO DEMONS GET INTO OUR BODIES THE MORE WE EAT??? (YES!!!!)

💀MEAT, SUGAR, VINEGAR

JESUS IS THE TRUE FRUIT OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL!! John 16:22. People who praise Eve but reject Christ prove the EVIL in their hearts-- John 3:19+, ALSO John 3:14-15 with the serpent parallel!!


----------------------------------------

No urge to steal: all things belong to Christ

Lucifer: self love and self hate have the SAME ROOT: rejection of God, and self idolatry as a result, IMPERFECTION, INABILITY TO LOVE

John 21:17 is TRUE LOVE.

So we see in this comparison that Love is either a mirror or a black hole (God or Satan, real love vs self 'love'-- reflecting God or devouring others)

--------------------------------------------

Crowning with thorns: HOW JESUS REIGNS AS KING IN A FALLEN WORLD THAT HATES HIM.

⭐Hands bound, but still blessing-- that is His true power, not of force or violence

⭐scepter is the BRUISED REED (weak yet faithful ones through which His Power is manifest)

⭐robed in scarlet, taken from an earthly king seen as godlike but now dead, given to a heavenly king seen as worthless but now to live forever


---------------------------------------------


Reasons why I have NOT squandered my life:

1. I have helped my grandma as much as possible with my time with her
2. I spend a ton of my money to help the family pay bills and buy groceries
3. I study the Bible and pray daily and go to mass as much as possible
4. I have been told by MANY people in church that I have helped their faith
5. I have been told by MANY people in the mental health community that I have given them hope and inspiration
6. I have written a lot of music
7. I have written a lot of journals and creative writing
8. I have done a good deal of good art
9. I have developed my talent of singing and I am a cantor at church
10. I do an online Bible study that reaches hundreds of people daily
11. I did that Gold Star project and restored the Fatima shrine at the Oblates!
12. I am so grateful for this life God has given me and I will leave it in joy






prismaticbleed: (angel)

Matthew 11:28-30
Jesus has compassion on the burdened. He WANTS to give us rest, and take the heavy weight of sin off our shoulders. He wants to relieve us of the anxious stress of "trying to be perfect" in the Law alone, and so He calls us to carry HIS yoke, which is LOVE, and the stressless perfection of the Law THROUGH love of Him.
But remember He offers REST!! And He says He WILL give it, to those who come to Him and paradoxically take His yoke upon them.
He also says LEARN FROM ME, His meekness and humility, for THERE is where we find rest FOR OUR SOULS!!! Jesus does not offer a lazy or inactive life. He STILL gives us a "burden," but it is LIGHT AND EASY, IF WE LEARN FROM HIM HOW TO CARRY IT.
And this rest is profound, able to touch us even in the hardest physical labor or psychological strain.
1. Come to Jesus
2. Learn from Jesus
3. You will find rest for your soul
 


Jesus, you are constantly coming to Your people, even when we fail to see You. In each and every moment that we are blessed to recognize You here and now, give us the courage to leap with joy at Your coming. Amen.


Gosh, this just made me realize– how many people failed to see, know, or recognize Christ while He was hidden in Mary’s womb! Remember that Saint Elizabeth and John the Baptist both felt His Presence assumedly before Mary even showed any notable signs of her divine pregnancy. Their hearts saw Him, recognized Him– what utter bliss! And yet… countless crowds passed Him and His mother by, knowing nothing of the world-changing miracle in their very midst.
O God, even now, You are all around us, hidden and yet clear as day to grace-filled hearts. We pray that we always recognize You and rejoice in that meeting. Open the eyes of our hearts, that we may celebrate the truth of Christmas every day!


“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21)
Today I challenge you to pray that God reveals His plan for your life to you.

And, once you pray, listen. Don’t block your ears. Don’t close your eyes. Listen, even if you’re scared. After all, God’s plan for your life might be the exact opposite of what you had planned for yourself, and it might demand more time, effort, finances, humility, inconveniences, sacrifices, change, upheaval, and general radical trust than you feel you can give or endure. But rest in this truth: God’s will for you is always what’s best for you, and He will carry you both to and through it, for His glory and good purpose.
So pray, listen, and then obey. Even if you start with just one tiny, shaky, frightened baby step, make that step with a fierce courage and trust in God regardless, and that timidity will rapidly melt away in the fire of divine love.
Oh, and a note of discernment– if it doesn’t glorify God, and if it doesn’t have love of God as it’s ultimate end and aim, then it’s not His will for your life. Remember this, because the devil will try to confuse and trick you every chance he gets.
God, your plans always prevail. Show me the way You want me to walk, and then graciously help me to do so!


"The seditious mob [at the U.S. Capital] was motivated... by an unholy amalgamation of white supremacy and Christianity."


This is deeply disturbing. TRUE Christianity has nothing to do with idolatrous violence, rage, & mayhem. The fact that Christianity in America has nevertheless become scandalized by such associations makes my heart sick. Please pray for the rioters and the politicians both. Also! You CAN be a baptized Christian and STILL be corrupt. Sin doesn't cancel out your religion-- otherwise Divine Mercy wouldn't be so amazing-- but sin DOES rot your soul, so that your religious affiliation is now a horrid scandal. Christ does NOT take this lightly. REPENT.

Remember that EVERYONE can potentially end up in hell OR heaven. Being a Christian does NOT make you "immune" or “incapable of doing wrong” even if you claim it's “for God." Newsflash: malformed consciences are a thing. Stop, read your Bible, and PRAY about it humbly. Love your enemies.



When the Bible says "do not lean on your own understanding," the Bible is being serious. Your heart is deceitful, your emotions fluctuate, your understanding does not see the overall, big picture. God never lies, God never changes, God knows all. Trust Him.

Humility demands that we actively and constantly acknowledge this. Our emotions, guesses, reasonings, perceptions, and imaginations are constantly falling short of truth, inevitably so. We are wrong and mistaken in our judgements so often it’s honestly laughable– and yet, we stubbornly (and fearfully) insist that “we know what we’re doing.” We really don’t, though. Only God does. And that’s the biggest relief, the most profound reassurance, the deepest peace– the fact that God cannot make mistakes.

So loosen your tight grip on life. Stop hypermanaging the details, stop insisting on your way or the highway. Stop being afraid of failure, and instead surrender every choice to your Father in heaven, who will never fail. Lean on Him like a trusting child, and He will carry you through it all.



Advertising tries to stimulate our sensuous desires, converting luxuries into necessities, but it only intensifies man’s inner misery. The business world is bent on creating hungers which its wares never satisfy, and thus it adds to the frustrations and broken minds of our times.

Archbishop Fulton Sheen, Lift Up Your Heart

The only way out of the beartrap of sensuality is to make up our minds, solemnly and honorably, to desire God alone. If we constantly check our cravings with this pledge, being brutally honest in our motives, then the Spirit will give us the grace to break the chains of luxury– sometimes link by link, but breaking free nevertheless.

Inner misery comes from one thing: seeking happiness in anything other than Christ. Once we humbly realize and admit this– and it does take serious humility to endure that shock of acknowledging our own corrupted desires and decisions– we can turn our hungering hearts to Him at last, all the more fully day by day, and finally experience the true and real joy in God that He’s wanted us to have all along.

Take a hard look at your life right now. Are you feeling hungry, miserable, unsatisfied, unfulfilled? When you feel that pang of luxury and want, turn to God. Remember that this life is temporary and only God is eternal. Look to the roots of your desperate clinging and ask yourself: what is it you truly want? It’s not things, it’s a feeling– the feeling of finally being happy, satisfied, fulfilled, at peace. But you haven’t yet truly acknowledged the fact that this world, being ruled by death, cannot ever give you those things. It’s a scary truth, yes… but only until you remember that God IS those Good Things, and will give them to the heart of those that turn to Him alone as the Source and Giver of them.

No matter what you may be desiring in life right now, God is greater, better, and more beautiful. God is ultimate fulfillment. Turn to Him!




“The crisis of nothingness is a summons to the everything which is God.”

— Archbishop Fulton Sheen, Three to Get Married

The raw experience of nothingness– of a sudden collapse into poverty, a scourge of disease, a loss of property, a death of a loved one– such a brutal and absolute encounter with emptiness and the utter inability of this world to satisfy the soul, let alone survive for long in its inevitable ephemerality… this awakens us to the truth. It’s a hard, sudden, shocking awakening, flinging us headlong into the abrupt acknowledgment of Light, only fully knowable now because we have been dragged from such depths of darkness. When we have honestly found ourselves at rock bottom, scrabbling at the dusty walls of a coal cellar, desperate to breathe now that the air is so thin– our tolerance of terror has been exhausted; we can no longer bear the awful weight of nothingness, the paradoxically crushing burden of now knowing, firsthand, that the way of the world is ultimately naught– then we helplessly turn our eyes upwards, desperate for a glimmer of something real, something untarnishable, something other than the fleeting pleasures and phenomena of the physical world. And of course Satan will do his darndest to lie to us in the most grandiose ways during this time, offering floodlights and banquets and golden decorations for our tomb, but none of it ever relieves that hollow feeling, that starvation for something more in a cosmic sense.

God is everything. God is the only “something,” the only real and beautiful and eternal thing. And no matter how long we may have been drowning in “nothing,” crushed under its terrible gravity, the moment we sincerely reach up to God He will take our hand and lift us higher. But how can we reach something– Someone– we do not acknowledge, let alone even know is there? Well, that’s the ironic beauty of it all. Falling into the debasing gutter of emptiness can slingshot us into the yearning for God’s boundless heavens better than anything else. God allows it for that very reason.

Are you currently in a crisis of nothingness? Are you experiencing, right now, the jarring and absolute revelation of just how fleeting the things of this world are? Are your finances failing, is your health declining, are your friends and family leaving, is your life falling apart? Then run to God, the only True and Lasting One, an impregnable stronghold, the very Source of all the peace and hope and light and life that your heart so desperately seeks and needs.

It is only through understanding what nothingness is, that we are able to know What nothingness isn’t.




“The Church is not a continuous phenomenon through history, rather, it is something that has been through a thousand Resurrections after a thousand crucifixions. The bell is always sounding for its execution which, by some great power of God, is everlastingly postponed.”

— Archbishop Fulton Sheen, Three to Get Married

I feel that, as God exists outside of time and therefore the Crucifixion and Resurrection are always occurring in a very real sense… it is only fitting that, as Christ’s Body, the Church in time would share in that perpetual dying and rising, always growing closer to God despite all odds, always both hanging on the Cross and rising from the tomb.

It’s something to meditate upon for sure.




heartcrymissionary:

My only resolution for this New Year - God is my first priority. I’ve run after people and I desired things. I’ve given importance to each and everything except God. And I’ve learned my lessons. Nothing is permanent and even though I got what I wanted, I’m not happy and there’s always a void or dissatisfaction. I can feel it in my heart that only God can satisfy my soul but I was pretty reluctant to obey him. But, God works in mysterious ways. He let me wander so that I personally experience the difference and now I’m the Prodigal Son who came back to his father. My God didn’t push me and he accepted me just the way I am. His Love is True. His Grace is so Deep. If you’re going through this phase, now is the time to start over. Come to Jesus. Start a New Life. Be Blessed. #ToNewBeginnings

I can echo this prayer so exactly it hurts… but what a paradoxically blissful pain it is, to now realize– quite powerfully– the truth that God is all I ever needed or will need.

No one is guaranteed tomorrow; every moment alive comes from God’s tender mercies. Therefore let us use every one of those moments for His glory, without procrastination, excuse, or timidity!

Let 2020 be the year that you, too, come fully home to God, that you begin to choose Him and His Truth over all else, that you seek Him first with no exceptions or excuses. Let 2020 be the first year of your new life in Christ, living in the unshakable joy of His Presence and spurning the empty entertainment of this fleeting world.

It’s never too late, as long as we are breathing, to return to God. He is always waiting for us with open arms and loving heart.
 



"For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions." (2 Timothy 4:3)

That time is now.

Furthermore, it’s disturbing how thoroughly those false teachers and itching ears can utterly blind a soul to the fact that they’re living in a “comfortable hell”– lounging in front of the TV while the world burns around them, as it were.

The pain of “enduring sound teaching” is a divine ache, a growing pain, an indication of pruning and healing and breaking out of chains. It’s like a child avoiding a vaccination because they’re afraid of the needle & pinch– understandable, true, but ultimately foolish and dangerous, for without that brief pain, they are at serious risk of suffering far greater pain, perhaps even death, as a result of disease.

Either you endure the blessed ache of conversion, or you numb yourself to the demands of holiness and end up burning later.

Do you want heaven, even if it hurts to get there, or would you rather just have your comfy chair and happy lies in hell?



Sweet Jesus, talking
   his melancholy madness,
     stood up in the boat
       and the sea lay down,

silky and sorry.
   So everybody was saved
      that night.
         But you know how it is

when something
    different crosses
       the threshold -- the uncles
          mutter together,

the women walk away,
   the young brother begins
      to sharpen his knife.
         Nobody knows what the soul is.

It comes and goes
   like the wind over the water --
      sometimes, for days,
        you don't think of it.

 Maybe, after the sermon,
   after the multitude was fed,
     one or two of them felt
       the soul slip forth

like a tremor of pure sunlight
   before exhaustion,
      that wants to swallow everything,
         gripped their bones and left them

miserable and sleepy,
    as they are now, forgetting
       how the wind tore at the sails
          before he rose and talked to it --

tender and luminous and demanding
   as he always was --
      a thousand times more frightening
         than the killer storm.


Mary Oliver, “Maybe,” from House of Light (1990)


The fear of God is wrapped up in the realization of Who and What God IS. To have seen that ageless and irresistible power manifest in Jesus– to see the wild terror of nature utterly collapse in obedience to Him– would have made any witness acutely aware of not only His divinity, but also of their own frailty, and the greater reality that encompassed them both.

Remembering Jesus makes it impossible to forget one’s soul– makes it impossible to ignore the truth of sin and mercy and judgment and life after death. Such a recollection can be honestly frightening, to a soul that has been asleep… and so the very reality of Jesus is indeed frightening as well.

The utter majesty of God is a thousand times more frightening than anything. And maybe no human ever can or will know what the soul is. But when we look at Jesus, we become so powerfully aware of both these things. And perhaps, the fact that such a being loves us, is frightening only in its initial incomprehensibility.

It’s this gorgeously dramatic paradox. The very God who both stirs up and silences the hurricanes and tidal waves of our lives, is the same God who yearns to wrap us in His arms with boundless love, even if it takes a typhoon to get us there.

But fear of God is rooted in reverence, and that reverence blooms into love, when we listen to Jesus tell us that this unfathomably great God is Our Father, through Him. This, too, carries a hugely fearful responsibility at first… which, like all else, melts away into love as we humbly admit our childlike helplessness before Him, and run to Him as such.


 

Devotion to Mary is simply giving her permission to form us into an image of Christ.

 

The simplicity of this profundity just floored me.

Mary, as our mother, then becomes to us who she literally only was to Jesus Christ. Calling her “mother” then puts us in the position OF her beloved Son, our Savior… and so she will joyfully raise us AS such.

It’s a staggering, humbling honor, a huge responsibility, and an unfathomable grace, to be able to not only grow closer to Christ in this way, but also to have such an opportunity of special intimacy with Him, under His mother’s care, her eyes recognizing Him in us and lovingly forming us into an ever-truer likeness of Him.

Mary was, and is, the mother of Christ. If we love Him, then devotion to her should follow suit.



prismaticbleed: (angel)

 

"What began in the Immaculate Conception, runs without a fault or break straight to the Blessed Sacrament. The one mystery answers to the other; the one illuminates the other; the one completes and consummates the other. The Blood that is in the Chalice is from the living Heart of Jesus. It was shed in the Passion before it was shed in the Chalice. It had lived long in His Sacred Heart before He shed it; and He took it at the first, with His spotless Flesh, from the Immaculate Heart of Mary; and that it was sinless and stainless there was from the Immaculate Conception. And so at one end of the avenue is Mary’s sinless flesh, prepared for her as for the Mother of God, and at the other end the sinful flesh of man made immortal and incorruptible by the Flesh of Jesus, Mary’s Son, and the sinful soul of man bathed to a glorious purity in the Blood of Jesus, Mary’s Son, through the mystery of His sweet Sacrament of love; and the light that lies ahead, the light we are all approaching, and have not yet attained, the glow and splendour of our heavenly home, it is by the same sweet Sacrament that we shall attain it, and make it ours at last. So at every mass, and in each communion we look up to the Immaculate Conception. The light of that far-reaching mystery is in our faces on the altar-step. It beams direct upon us, and so full is it of the same light as the Blessed Sacrament that we seem almost to hear our Mother’s voice from that distant fountain, “Eat, O friends, and drink, and be inebriated, my dearly beloved.”"
-(Fr. Faber)

 

God created Mary without sin– the Immaculate Conception who would immaculately conceive His Only Son in turn… His pure body was formed within hers, His Body and Blood gaining their very Substance from hers. When Christ died upon the Cross, He then mysteriously and wonderfully imitated His Mother in that He now gives US His Body and Blood, so that we might be born anew in Him, purified by His redemptive Sacrifice… but from that same Cross He also gives us His Mother, so that she may also “conceive” us, through her Son, as new holy children– His Flesh and Blood now flowing back to her in a sense, to be born again through Him, through her. It’s amazing. Heaven came to earth in Jesus, by Mary’s ‘Fiat,’ and we can taste that same firstfruits of promise in the Most Holy Eucharist, wherein we tangibly and really participate in the mystery of not only Jesus’s death, but also– paradoxically and beautifully– His birth. And Mary was inextricably present as participant in both, in the joy of His coming and the “birth pangs” of His Passion and Death, before His Resurrection– the new “birth” He promises to all who unite themselves in love to Him in this total sacred cycle. And Mary is the one standing at the threshold of it all, the one who opens the gate, the one who joyfully declares “May it be done to me according to your word”… Indeed, by God’s Word Himself. And so it must be with us, to enter into the life of God with her, the New Eve, the Mother of Mankind as it is reborn in her Son… Mary, the Immaculate Conception.


-------------------------------------------


“I question whether the defenses of the gospel are not sheer impertinences. The gospel does not need defending. If Jesus Christ is not alive and cannot fight His own battles, then Christianity is in a bad state. But He is alive, and we have only to preach His gospel in all its naked simplicity, and the power that goes with it will be the evidence of its divinity.”
- Charles Spurgeon

I personally think we should defend its honor and truth, for the sake of living the integrity of our faith, instead of being complacent in the face of blasphemy– but indeed, the Gospel is true and real and honorable no matter what we do or don’t do. We don’t need to “prove” anything. The real issue is not personal power, but personal fidelity. The last line of this quote sums that up wonderfully.


-----------------------------------------------

"Not to us, Lord, not to us
    but to Your Name be the glory,
    because of Your love and faithfulness."

(Psalm 115:1)


This is such a core confession of Christianity, but I don’t think we fully grasp just how universal this praise must be.

Yes, let your prayers and hymns and good deeds glorify God. But let everything else do so, too. And I mean everything.

Are you at work? Glorify God through it. Are you reading a book? Glorify God through it. Are you shopping for groceries? Glorify God through it. Are you painting a picture, dressing a child, balancing your checkbook, driving a car, playing a video game, washing your hair, dusting the furniture, exercising at the gym, watching television, telling a story, planting a garden, changing a tire, eating breakfast, or doing any other little blessedly mundane thing of life? Glorify God through it. I’m serious. God is already in ALL the times and places and things of our existence– therefore it is our lovingly faithful duty to actively acknowledge and praise and glorify Him within those moments, without fail, without exception.

In everything we do, all glory be to God.


-----------------------------------

"What you see may seem small compared to what God promised you, it’s easy to dismiss it and think it’s nothing. But God can take a small cloud and bring a big blessing. He can take what looks insignificant and cause it to turn into something amazing."


The essence of this– trust in God– is good and true, but quotes such as this bother my spirit with their consistent focus on more, on big, on amazing… words which I fear are are being used in human terms here. And the very notion of “dismissing” ANY gift from God, let alone because it doesn’t meet our expectations, is frankly deplorable.

God promises us Himself. That is big and amazing enough, and infinitely more than we could ever even dream. But as for the temporal things of this life, the “smaller” manifestations of this ultimate blessing, we need to stop looking for “something more.” That has the scent of greed and entitlement and it opposes the Christian spirit of humility, surrender, gratitude and radical trust.

Consider the alternative: God purposely sent you that “small cloud.” It’s “amazing” just as it is because He sent it. It might “appear” drab, plain, unexciting, or otherwise uninteresting, but that doesn’t matter. It’s His will.

And hey– maybe God will send you a bigger cloud, something amazing and significant for sure– a huge terrific thunderhead, black with rain and lightning and wind to turn your life upside down. You should still get on your knees and thank Him, because both the blue skies and blustery storms come from His Hand and serve His Purposes. For all you know, that awful disaster could– or did– bring unfathomable blessings, that you might never even see. But God does. Trust in that. And above all, trust Him, who is making Himself evident within that cloud, thereby giving you the greatest gift of all, no matter what the circumstances may seem to suggest.

Stop judging, dismissing, weighing, and critiquing God’s working in your life. Start accepting everything He gives with humble gratitude, complete trust and resignation to His Will, and total cooperation. Seek Him, desire Him, and love Him above all else, and you won’t need to keep “looking for blessings”– you’ll realize that in Him, you already have everything you could ever need.


--------------------------------------------------------


“The fault this body has is that the more comfort we try to give it the more needs it discovers. It’s amazing how much comfort it wants.”
-St. Teresa of Avila
 

 

I am reminded of this daily, often to startling extents. The flesh cannot ever be satisfied or consoled. Trying to do so is utterly useless.

Instead, strive to comfort your soul, through Christ. Satisfy your heart with Him; console your mind with Him. He will meet and exceed every spiritual yearning you have.

--------------------------------------------

“Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded.”

— Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God
 

Then may God wound me ever deeper, so that I may serve Him all the more wholeheartedly. I surrender to Your Cross.

-----------------------------------------


“You aren’t as bad as you think you are, you’re worse. And God doesn’t love you as much as you think he does, he loves you more.“”

Chris DeLuna

I could meditate on this for hours… but honestly it’s a daily, lifetime reflection. It’s profound in humility, contrition, gratitude, discipline, comfort, awe, and love.

We are sinners and we are deplorable. But God, through Christ, loves us so much that while we were still sinners, He died for us, so that we can be forgiven and justified, therefore becoming able to live with Him in love for eternity. That’s unfathomable. That’s true. And that’s something we must remember always.

-------------------------------------------------


“…the greatest thing each person can do is to give himself to God utterly and unconditionally - weaknesses, fears, and all.”
Soren Kierkegaard

We must give our most ugly, painful, raw, wounded places to God, else they will never be healed or soothed or corrected. Hiding them in shame only prolongs our sinful suffering.

Give your ALL to God! Surrender in weeping joy. He is all you need. He is peace and life and hope. When you give every moment and every atom to Him, over and over, then everything in your life will be put into the right place, by your obedience to His Will.


------------------------------------------------


“The Jesus Prayer is not a method.  Properly, it is a relationship, something personal, emotional.  If one treats it as a method, intellectually, then you are missing the whole point, the main point of it, which is a slowly developing relationship
with the person of Jesus.”

~Archimandrite George of Grigoriou

The Jesus Prayer is spoken directly to Christ. It is the beginning of an ever-deepening conversation with Him, a humble and wholehearted cry for mercy, doors thrown achingly open to Love. If you pray thus without love, without ardent attention to the Beloved, without personal sincerity and honesty, then it is not a prayer at all in truth. You must pour your entire being into it– you must offer your entire self to Him.

-----------------------------------------------------


“God is love, and therefore the preaching of His word must always proceed from love. Then both preacher and listener will profit. But if you do nothing but condemn, the soul of the people will not heed you, and no good will come of it.”

~taken from the book Saint Silouan the Athonite, by Archimandrite Sophronius Sakharov

 

Correction is good and has its proper place– it must work upon the foundation of humility and love. Condemnation of sin, although just, will only feel like violence, if it is spoken without mercy. It is not our place to pass judgment– that is Christ’s power alone. We are called to forgive, to instruct, and above all, to bring souls to Christ… including our own. If preacher and listener both intend to reach heaven, they must so act as striving saints together now!

If you speak, do so with love. If you are silent, do so with love. And in all things, act for the love and glory of God!

---------------------------------------------------------


"When you persist in prayer, you receive what you need, you receive what you do not have, and you receive all that is necessary to be a blessing to those that are in your household."


That bit about becoming a blessing to one's household-- I desperately need that. Lord, please help me persist in prayer always, so that I may never be a disgrace or dishonor to my family or to Your most Holy Name!!

----------------------------------------------------------

"The appropriate word you left unsaid; the joke you didn't tell; the cheerful smile for those who bother you; that silence when you're unjustly accused; your kind conversation with people you find boring and tactless; the daily effort to overlook one irritating detail or another in those who live with you... this, with perseverance, is indeed solid interior mortification."
- Saint Josemaria Escriva

Mortification is a vital exercise of faith that we need to practice constantly. It is anchored in humility and love, in patience and mercy, and it brings us ever closer to Christ both in imitation and intimacy.

----------------------------------------------------

 

I find it quite impossible, reading the New Testament on the one hand and the newspaper on the other, to suppose that there will be no ultimate condemnation, no final loss, no human being to whom, as C.S. Lewis puts it, God will eventually say, “Thy will be done.” I wish it were otherwise, but one cannot forever whistle “There’s a wideness in God’s mercy” in the darkness of Hiroshima, of Auschwitz, of the murder of children and the careless greed that enslaves millions with debts not their own. Humankind cannot, alas, bear very much reality, and the massive denial of reality by the cheap and cheerful universalism of Western liberalism has a lot to answer for.

~N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, 180.

 

Mercy requires repentance. You cannot show mercy where one denies the undeserving need of it in the first place.

Sin will be punished with strict justice wherever it is found. The only hope of expunging its stain is the Blood of Christ. And we cannot receive that without genuine faith in Him.

Those who commit such atrocities with a sense of pride, self-righteousness, and/or “a good reason”… there will be an ultimate condemnation. God’s Will will be done. This is reality.

-------------------------------------------------


“Sin, we note, is not the breaking of arbitrary rules; rather, the rules are the thumbnail sketches of different types of dehumanizing behavior.”

— N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, 180.

 

YES. The letter of the Law is only a summary of its Spirit.

You cannot keep the letter and yet deny the essence, nor can you claim to be respecting its heart while breaking its word.

Sin will always exalt its own ideas, motives, and goals. If you find yourself trying to exalt yourself above another in your behavior, in letter or in spirit… you’re sinning.

There are limitless sins, and they are everywhere. Our only refuge is to live in an unflinchingly humble love of God. When our sole idea, goal, and motive is love and respect for Him… then sin cannot topple us, however it may rage.

---------------------------------------------------------


“But judgment is necessary–unless we were to conclude, absurdly, that nothing much is wrong or, blasphemously, that God doesn’t mind very much.”

— N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, 179.

Judgment is discernment. It is not proud self-exaltation. To judge something as right or wrong is necessary to live well; to be able to discern what will or won’t glorify God is essential to choose rightly. The heart of it is simple– love of God above all, even at our own expense– but the practice of it, made difficult by our weakness and temptation and sinful inclinations, requires that we have a healthy sense of judgment, and the graceful gravity to obey those Spirit-given conclusions.

A lot is wrong, and God minds very much. Hence the Cross. Hence the entire plan of salvation.

Christ is our Just Judge. Follow His instructions, and judge well!

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls and will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with sighing–for that would be harmful for you.” (Hebrews 13:17)
 

I have been shamefully guilty of causing such sighing, and I will admit it is because I am often afraid of correction– afraid because my sinful nature is so strong, and I am so guilty.

To obey and submit will bring me great joy and peace, as well as to those in authority over me for the good of my soul. To see exasperation in those individuals indicates that I am being stubborn and proud– resisting the yoke of humility, and thus putting my soul in great danger. That would cause great sighs of concern, worry, and frustration in any person who cared about my highest good!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------


“Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” (Hebrews 13:16)
 

The word “sacrifices” here is so important. Do good, be kind, share and give and bless, even when to do so would be difficult, frustrating, or inconvenient– indeed, especially then.

It is in the face of spiritual adversity that virtues grow the most strongly. We will be tested, so surrender to the Spirit and pray for the grace to do what honors God with loving joy.

---------------------------------------------------------


“People who persevere in error are so far away from acknowledging their sin that they even defend it as the height of righteousness. Therefore it is impossible for them to be forgiven.”

— Martin Luther, “Lectures on Galatians” in Luther’s Works, vol. 27, 33.

I also want to add that this disturbing modern attitude of treating sin and sinfulness as funny, trendy, or even desirable, is exactly what this quote warns against, even though the “sin” is being acknowledged… the horror is that the sin is being redefined as righteousness while still calling it a sin.

There are individuals who will admit, with a proud smile, “oh I absolutely have sinned! I know I am a sinner! But there’s nothing wrong with sin!” Ironically, this carefree embracing of one’s sinful nature is the deepest rejection of it. It is a rejection of Christian morality, an attempt to justify and absolve oneself, by denying the very possibility that one even needs justification and absolution. If you lie, but say “it’s okay though!” and explain why, you are entirely deluded. If you steal, but say “I had a good reason though!” you have completely missed the point. If you entertain thoughts of violence and hatred and revenge, claiming it’s “fine” if you don’t act on them, you are mistaken. If you celebrate lust and promiscuity and shamelessness, declaring that they are “natural feelings” to be “proud of,” you are devastatingly lost. Sin is sin. Sin is ALWAYS wrong, we cannot alter that, we cannot cut corners or make excuses, and our very inclination to is blatant proof of just how weak we are and how powerful temptation is. We NEED a Savior to deliver us from our own corrupt nature– another truth the sin-celebrators will refuse utterly. They don’t want to admit guilt, helplessness, or shame. They are afraid. But defending and denying their crimes instead, out of fear of judgment, is just worsening the problem… because it bars them from being contrite, and therefore being forgiven. Pride and humility cannot coexist.

So be brutally honest with your examination of conscience. Are you insisting your sin was righteous in some area? Are you making excuses or allowances for a behavior that you know deep down was wrong? Lay it all down before Christ! Admit your weakness, admit your fear, admit your shame and guilt and regret. It is only when you have been so crushed and humbled that the chains of sin can be broken along with your heart. Christ can and will forgive even your most terrifying sin… if you have wept over it, and if you give it to him raw– no sugarcoating, no gilding, no smoothing over.

Acknowledge your sins, acknowledge your error, admit that you are not righteous, admit that you need forgiveness. Only from this sincerely lowly position can we be healed and brought to the heights of heaven. If you try to grab heaven on your own, you’ll catch nothing but delusions. It’s God’s Way, or no way at all.
 

---------------------------------------------------------

 

“Everyone whom the Father gives me will come to me, and the one who comes to me I will never send away.” (John 6:37)

 

God cannot lie. That “never” is a glorious promise that moves my wretched heart to joyful weeping.

We have been given, and received in absolute love. That is truly something to remember during this most holy Christmas season!

---------------------------------------------------------


“God did not choose perfect people to form his church, but rather sinners who have experienced his love and forgiveness.”

No one is perfect; only God is perfect. If we think of ourselves as such, we will be unable to see or receive Him.

We are all sinners, and when we confess this and turn to God in contrite humility, He will help and heal us, and this foundation of Christ’s endless love for us unworthy yet penitent souls is a great beauty of the Church.


 

123017

Dec. 30th, 2017 11:04 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

1230. saturday.

today lasted like... five years, what the heck
i apologize for this mess of an entry as a result but it really was ALL ONE DAY

morning run. YES THAT WAS TODAY.
830AM NOTES on that =

Sunrise, pink and cold and beautiful.
Genesis running alongside us at first, making sure we were ok.
Talking to Laurie, lucky penny comment. Then FOUND one
Food lion. Her whistling for attention at reduced rack, check our focus.
Got called SIR on the way out!
Had a dollar left, went to gas station
Penny in lot
Decided we wanted a TAMALE
Sweet old dude paid for it for us!
So we got Wreckage a DONUT
Walking home: "Ahrima?" Laurie, Wreckage, Jeremiah, Maverick
Minty seeing the rocker bunny on the track, torn
Church & breakfast plans. Mav & Wrex talking colors. Echo Lalia there too, no voice of her own readily?
So so happy.
NEED to do this regularly.


-------------------------------------

THIS EVENING =

eating trouble.
we made two omelettes for dinner, and then a night meal, BUT. we realized the trouble here.
1. still seeing food as art. didn't WANT to make two. but DID want to MAKE SOMETHING.
2. so many different people fronting.

we think "taureia" is the name of that DAEMON???
tied to the girl who ONLY comes out to binge in order to purge; triggered by fear. she's a failsafe???

versus rupture.


Blue girl = COMPULSION W/ fam expectations??
Food, grandkids, etc. PANICKED obedience, forced, utter denial of any self-honesty


noticed today, the girl angry at murphy is NOT the angry brown jess OR triple
she's MENTIONED IN 2015 i think.

"i'm not a good nousfoni"


-------------------------------------------

AMOR ET SACRIFICIUM = ribbons!!!!!!
SELF LUMINOUS

Formshift cores, like jewels. EXPLORE.
Apprenticeship, heartspace, leaguespace, outspace
OUR "NEODYMIUM"

"SXUALITY" COLORS. from old entries. different vibes & applications, never explained.
black, red, pink, Cerise. ORANGE?
FEEL OUT AND DESCRIBE

HEART TOUCHES ARE SAFE AND HOLY AGAIN!!!
(YOU NOT DISCONNECTED)


-------------------------------------------------

the heaviest thing today = talking about sxuallity with the arrows, on messenger.
our moral stance + daemons + trauma, and their innocent human painless experience.
both of us discussing childhood with this.

trigger warning for discussion of sexual topics, including abuse/trauma



what we remember offhand:


Childhood= baths with brother, anatomy difference. Naturally fascinated by difference, parents would NOT talk about this. Passively treated us like a threat to them.
We were weirdly obsessed for a while? Bizarrely, NO conception of our own bodies femaleness? Not sure why.
Obsessed with this???

Childlike gender thoughts: girls wore pink ribbons or had eyelashes, boys didn't.

When did the Julie trauma start?
It has SUPER EARLY ROOTS.

First direct instance: in that godforsaken bathroom, age 12, 13? Feel SO young, but not a child. Remembering, with great fear, hearing Someone talking about how "sex is the best feeling" or something? Praising it as this sublime thing. Terrified, tentatively touched our body there. Immediate sensation shocked and shook us. Nearly cried from this "betrayal," quickly reclothed, thinking "how could Anyone want That," tore door open and immediately memory blacks out. I assume we hid in our room and shook and cried, felt existentially wrecked. No idea Who holds that, but I know they exist.

No clear memory of When Julie started, but l Clear memory of Fearing her. Leaving 6th grade classroom, mentally JEWEL, dreamspace situation to cope with/ feel & reason out fearful situation possibilities. Imagining being in some public place like a restaurant or bar, but in a side hall where we couldn't be seen, felt isolated and trapped? Cerise intimate vibe but Corrupt. Guys AND girls (ratio??) trying to "get with us." NOTABLE ABUSIVE MANNERISMS. We had NO conception of healthy flirting OR relationships? Literally EVERYONE in those imaginings saw us as an object. "You're pretty, I want to have sex with you, then never see each other again." But that sex was Also Going to be traumatic. THEREFORE, JULIE WOULD SWITCH OUT. Literally. Our BIGGEST FEAR at that age was someone Actually hitting on us, our panicked terror making us Shut Down, and Julie being triggered out to "fight fire with fire." (That feels weirdly tied to our family teachings? Think on this.) So she'd play along, lasciviously flirting right back, and then when they inevitably ended up in bed, she'd Destroy them. Instead of them using us, she'd use Them, and then some. Our brain Never wanted to, or could, imagine what would happen To that victim afterwards. That, too, speaks volumes as to Julie's mindset-- AND OURS-- back then: there Was no after. If We had just experienced that, we'd be dead. So we/Julie both, for different reasons, failed to comprehend the very idea of After. But she took it in that there were no lasting consequences to what she did... because of dissociation. That's how WE worked. So we projected. But even then, we Knew that it was wrong, and it WOULD continue in the physical, albeit almost incredulously. (We struggled to imagine Time after rape.) And the thought of that made us avoid any and all sexual threats.

 


(left unfinished. this is too disturbing to talk about anymore)


prismaticbleed: (angel)


Draw near. Nearer still, my child. Do not dare not to dare.❞

- Aslan | C.S. Lewis


#THIS #THIS IS THE QUOTE #god we adore this #system spirituality #there is a certain feeling we always get around divinity #it is utter ardent joyous bliss mixed with terrified fearful trembling #both those emotions indistinguishable from each other #that is our faith in a nutshell #god wants to be touched #do not dare not to dare

 


It is not so much what you accomplish as what you learn by the work. If it teaches you humility, patience, and steadfastness, your life is well spent, no matter what productions you may have to show for it.❞

-Fidelia Bridges


#realize how significant this is #to learn from something you have to be open TO learning from it #and to be open you have to care #it is proof that your heart is in a good place #so even if your best efforts don't reach the end result you hoped for #if you gain some sort of virtue from those efforts #then you have not failed #you have succeeded even if it is in a way you never expected #the heart cannot be hindered by circumstance #remember this and always strive to learn #do not be afraid #system healing

 

----------------------------------------------

 

this is the new spirituality blog for the lotus cathedral system.

 

our personal faith is rooted in roman catholic mysticism and eclectic paganism, but it contains elements of many other belief systems. we see the spark of truth in every one, and we are always learning, always open.

we have a deep heartfelt reverence and love for all paths, as we have an aching heartfelt love for divinity itself, for that which is called God, and it cannot help but express itself in everything we do.

this blog is dedicated to our collective celebration and adoration of That, however it may express itself.

love and light to all of you.

 

 


prismaticbleed: (Default)


thesolarsystems:

Do you have an angry/aggressive alter?

I’m here to tell you that that is absolutely okay! You have every right to be angry with what has happened to you. It makes sense for an alter to hold on to anger. It makes sense for an alter to hold on to aggression that you were not able to express.
It’s so important to show your angry/aggressive alters love. It can be scary, and it can be difficult. But they will be so grateful that you showed them love in a world that they thought was so cruel.
- River (a previously aggressive alter, who is still angry sometimes, but very grateful for my system members who have showed me love and acceptance)



#jay's post #the damaged ones #the furious ones
#we all have to do this. including me. #we can't just talk about lights we have to BE lights #we aren't taking tangible enough ACTION on this point #not yet anyway #and a lot of that inaction is being caused BY SOCIALS who are AFRAID OF BEING PART OF A SYSTEM #so they won't let us do anything #good or bad #because they are terrified #and we need to prove to those socials that we love them and will treat them with compassion and understanding #we need to talk about this
#but yeah that one girl who is embarrassed by any and all shows of love? #she feels filthy and wrong and is scared that all such shows are abusive and false #therefore we have to gently but notably show her somehow that such painful feelings are not true #help her to accept hope
#and that angry one who we all know as '???' who is ALWAYS screaming at or about something #has admitted herself that it's all anchored in gut-deep agony and sorrow and helpless fear #and it just explodes into rage through her
#but nousfoni like them need love shown to them so desperately #and i mean REAL love #not the stuff falsely passed off as love #showy and conditional and manipulative and cloying and terrifying #THAT IS NOT LOVE. #so this is definitely a delicate process #but it can be done #and #i need it too. #i do hold trauma through this bloodline





Dear ones who never front: You are real. Just because you don’t front for whatever reason doesn’t mean you’re existence is fake. You are so amazing and you are real.


#hey socials read this #most of our inner-locked folks actually hold VITAL roles #and all of you who get too much dysphoria to front #you don't have to force through that to be valid so please remember this #and to all of those who simply have no need or want to front #that's totally fine too #the inside world is just as important as the outside one #and you are needed right where you are
 

bpdvoiid: i hate that my first reaction to stress is always Time To Die™ like ok calm down edgelord


#we need to talk about this #this is actually a trauma-rooted response for us #our triggers for stress are the sorts of things that either #made us feel like we weren't WORTH living #or made us terrified to survive to see the consequences OF that stressor #so the kneejerk reaction is to die from utter despair #different colors but the same lack of hope #learning not to respond to this reaction with 'calm down edgelord' btw because that's invalidating whatever hurt part of us DOES want to die #because they cannot see another option #the scary side of the system #the damaged ones #the lost ones

The myth that persecutors/avengers/angry protectors/etc are inherently “bad alters”/”evil alters” needs to stop. I used to believe this and I ended up being openly hostile to several alters (in my system and in others) who are children, trauma survivors who have not yet learned that the world is not as violent as they think it is, or that they can find comfort. If you’re able to safely do so, please try to teach these violent or self-destructive alters that they don’t need to be destructive anymore. It won’t heal them overnight, but please consider that they’ve likely been through the worst of whatever the system has experienced, and try to be patient and welcoming.



#VITALLY IMPORTANT #we need to talk about this #we need to do this #the damaged ones #razor #overload #the lost ones #we've always been very heartbroken hearing about 'littles' in other systems because all our kids are traumatized #none of them can relate to the easygoing vibe typically associated with childhood #they look for comfort in those things but it doesn't stay #also it just hit me that all of our most violent alters are stuck around ages 13-17 it seems #no adults #which makes sense because the system 'woke up' for good in 2008 #but yeah #this is hugely important #the scary side of the system
 


#underground #lanterns #geometry #plants #cisterns #headspace locations #this has such a momentous vibe to it #meditation mission starters #i am SO INTRIGUED by the presence of PLANTS AND LANTERNS in a place that looks like the entrance to the freaking tar rooms #and that white square just speaks volumes

 

Faith and fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see. You choose! ❞

- Bob Proctor



#food for thought #quote #this is a very interesting thought #this is also very relevant to those in our system who think they're singlets #but know very well that there are 'voices' both in and outside their head so to speak #i want them to know this #you can have faith in the spectrum #or you can ignore us and live in fear of the floating liars #please choose the spectrum #you're welcome here



Tbh I experience being androgyne as being something so masculine and feminine that it has transcended masculinity and femininity and become some mixed up magical rainbow type thing but maybe that’s just me



#feeling this so hard lately #i like this concept #all our life we have been a diehard androgyne when you really boil it down #we identify as nonbinary but we do deeply value the binary genders as far as their traditional characteristics are concerned in polarity #we could NEVER be just one or the other #we were always both to such an extreme that we became neither #essentially #and we're really learning to love that again unashamedly #we've spent too long trying to force ourselves into boxes out of fear #no more #time to be a mixed up magical rainbow type thing once again #because that's never changed on the inside after all



#snow #stars #sunrise #pentagape #laurie's post #kid THIS is what you need to keep constantly in mind and heart #this feeling #you know what i mean #whatever it takes #stay who you are in these moments #because that's what life feels like #and you know what i mean by that too



#words #stars #laurie #infinitii #laurie's post #dead serious i'm butting in here JUST to post this inspirational pic #because it matters #it MATTERS #this goes out to ALL the trauma-holders in our system #even if you aren't aware you are one #binge girl i'm looking at you kid #we need to talk #but you're trying REALLY HARD and i am so bloody proud of you #don't give up #you're worth the fight too #yes you. #keep on truckin kid #and of course jay this goes out to you too #as always #you're worth every drop of blood i've ever spilled #and countless more #don't ever forget that #ever #live up to it #like you always do #and things'll work out #i guarantee it

 

Given the right environment everything heals. Your body heals. Your heart heals. The mind heals. Wounds heal. Your soul repairs itself.


#ENVIRONMENT IS SO IMPORTANT #if the external environment cannot be changed then at least make your inner one as beautiful as possible #we need to talk about this #remember this #system healing #there's still hope


look at what our dashboard just did.


#waldorf #to all the earthly cores #this actually helps a LOT #thanks usagi #don't ever underestimate the power of creative visualization like this #i don't care if you legit have to wear a tiara #if it helps you live as your best self then you rock that tiara #and wear it with honor #sailor moon

 

Being a good person is a choice. Don’t let people fool you into believing that truly good people never have bad thoughts, are never tempted by the easier path, by the low road, never mess up or act out selfishly. Never believe a person can be good without making a conscious effort.

Every single time you do something good, you’ve made a decision to make the world a little brighter.

Goodness is not an inherent trait, it is a choice. Keep making it! I see you, I’m proud of you, and I’m rooting for you!

“Goodness is not an inherent trait” is jarring to read at first, but in light of this statement, it makes sense.

The human struggle with temptations, with intrusive thoughts, with selfish wants, with less than gentle words and actions… it’s a basic part of life. It’s a war we all must fight, day in and day out.
But those shadows are not who we are. The battle is. If goodness isn’t an inherent trait, neither is evil. Those are both labels given to patterns of behavior. To “become good,” sometimes one must trudge through years of “bad.” That doesn’t make them a “bad person.” It just means they are fighting!
It ALL comes down to choice, little choices, one after another. Every decision we make is a penny in the bank– it is up to us to decide which fortune we want to build upon. Will we increase the light in the world, or will we increase the gloom? And we can change at any time… for better or for worse, there and back again.

That’s the terror and thrill of life. That’s the painful joy of it.

It’s always a conscious effort to be “good,” but that’s what makes it so meaningful– that consciousness. That is the factor that TRULY shows who we are at heart– what do we consciously choose to do? Even if we slip up, which we all will, in what directions do our hearts stalwartly point nevertheless? Who, in the deepest parts of our souls, do we sincerely want to be?
Those are the conscious choices that we must act upon, no matter how difficult the opposition may be, no matter how many times we have fallen before. The story is not over. You are writing it. Even if you cannot change your circumstances, your spirit is indomitable. Hold to that.

I see you, too, and I am cheering for you.
Just by having that sincere desire to shine ever brighter, you are already beginning to do so.
With all meaning intended– keep up the good work!


#food for thought #i'm in an inspirational mood today #here's hoping this helps whoever needs it right now #i have faith in all of you #jay's post


#heck yes #laurie's post #josephina's post #i think all protectors can get behind this one #words #truth #this is the virtuous side of destruction #and i absolutely love it #it's not brutal or violent #but it's unflinching and razor sharp #truth destroys not with malice but with a blazing sort of love #knowing that only truth remains in the end and therefore truth must be protected at all costs #there's a lot of untruth in this life #but it cannot last by its very definition #burn it to the ground #and let roses bloom in those ashes #this is what we live for


#ashen #this goes out to ALL the trauma-holders in our system #let us help you with this please #it's too much to feel alone #that's why we exist after all #roses #ribbons #words #system healing

 

I like to make people a little uncomfortable. It encourages them to examine who they are and why they think the way they do. ❞

- Sally Mann


#WORDS TO LIVE BY #quote #slowly but steadily and joyously learning how to live this on a daily basis #we've been so used to forcing ourselves to be as innocuous and mild as possible #but those virtues taken to extremes become vices #and it is an inherent part of our nature to make people a little uncomfortable #so to speak #this quote sums up exactly why #there's a great deal of wisdom required to pull off this lifestyle #you cannot be brash about it #you have to be fiercely compassionate #you have to be aware of the effect you will have on people #and refuse to tolerate ignorance and irresponsibility #while still respecting the fact that some people may not yet be READY to question their thoughts about certain things #and that's just where they are right now #so you have to be gentle but ruthless about it #a lovely paradox #think of life like a snowglobe #it's the loveliest when you shake it up a little #jay's post

 


#jay's post #matthew 10:16 #i think about this a lot #a priest once recommended that i take that verse as my motto too #be as wise as serpents but as innocent as doves #be gentle and kind and guileless #but also be shrewd and prudent and cunning #the two are NOT mutually exclusive #there is a very powerful virtue in their unity #that edge is VITAL to spiritual integrity #we all got WAY too soft for a while #but even angels carry swords dude #and i miss this righteous fire in my heart #i'm gonna keep it there #snakes #doves #i need to write about this #system spirituality


aug 8 2016

Aug. 8th, 2016 12:42 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

 


I keep thinking about how, lately, all I want is a domestic life, something simple and pure and good and quiet, and I feel like I will never be able to have that because I'm too much of a freak.

(who is typing this)
(let authors shift as needed. this sentiment is tangled and divided among many people)


- houses at night, driving through twilight: people sitting on porches, walking with their kids, etc. warmth from kitchens and living rooms.
wanting that sort of loving serenity and not remembering what it's like

- that ancient, ridiculously persistent want for a "life partner" of some sort
- tied to GIRLS though. social emphasis. boys in the system are INTERNALLY BASED

 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@9:18 PM

 

 

what did you learn from the fourth of july?

we're all gonna die.

make yourself hard to kill.

be a warrior, not a worrier.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@11:57 PM

 

 

*deep breath*

JASPER


#I ALREADY LOVED HER #WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME #i have so many feelings over this episode #AGAIN #but this one hit like a punch to the chest #all over the place #yes smoky quartz is ADORABLE #and very important #and peridot's little speech meant so much to me tonight #and steven is SUCH A SWEETHEART #that kid is honestly an inspiration to me #and amethyst's existential dilemma was hitting too close to home #but. #the thing that got me the worst about this whole thing #is JASPER #not just because of the massive plot relevance she holds #but also because #there's too much of her in us #too much of that raw brutal vicious hurt #and we need to think about this more #thanks jasper #thanks rebecca sugar #this show is a blessing #steven universe #jay talks #FIRST BISMUTH NOW THIS #my heart is going through the wringer this week good lord #i just want the buff and bruised gem ladies to find peace and healing #i'm sure they will but #in the meantime it aches

 

 

 


prismaticbleed: (worried)



busy people thinking death = silence

people rushing through life, filling it with noise and action and too much stimulation, not thinking about death because to them death is just "the end." things just stop. they figure "there will be enough silence and stillness when I am dead" and I guess they fear that so they avoid anything and everything even LIKE death while they are alive??

I am falling into that trap lately.
which is ironic as I HATE IT and really just want the things that are like death.
again this can trap me. for me, "death" in such a negative sense IS this noisy mess.
real death is the "end of this game." real death is just "leaving" and going home.

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 08:04 PM



FAITHSTUFF


My faith really suffered until I realized that Jesus isn't just "some holy guy"-- he's God incarnate. He is fully human, yes, but he's also fully divine, and not in the 'modernist' interpretation of the phrase


(dedication to Mary, childhood fears and confusions, etc. talk about great developments in understanding of faith lately.)


★ faith "depressing" because its become too much ritual obligation and NO LOVE?
We're so freaked out over "following the rules" that we're obsessed with the possibility of breaking them and therefore ALL our attention is on WRONGDOING. This is not good.
When someone tells you over and over, "do not steal," then even if you don't steal, that command is going to worm into your head and you'll start to panic in every occasion that stealing is even possible. You will see only opportunity for sin, and with that dread hanging over you, you will feel almost expected to sin. "Do not steal," they said, and so your head is filled with fear and knowledge of theft, even if you were never inclined to do so before. Do you see what I mean?
On the contrary, before we started this religious bent, we didn't think about that stuff at all because we were too busy thinking about love, and how best to take care of ourself and others. We didn't steal because we wanted to be just, we wanted to be fair, and we were concerned about doing GOOD.
This is a bit tricky to iterate but the point is, our current situation of Law-focused paranoia is actually making us a bad person. And we're miserable. We're out of touch with life. We've forgotten how to be a person, we've forgotten how to interact with people, we feel cut off from nature and creation, we spend all our time ritually praying and never feeling any closer to God for it, begging for forgiveness and yet feeling eternally damned to hell, suffocating in our own filthy and loathsome self-perception.


Deep in my heart of hearts even I am good because I believe that anything created by God is inherently good, deep down just the same.


(unfinished)

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 10:49 PM

 

JUNE 14, TO WRITE

⋆⋆⋆EDIT NOTE FROM 0630: AS OF THE HOSPITAL VISIT, THIS MEMORY HAS RESET AND THE HOSPITAL IS NOW THE NEW REFERENCE OF COMFORT, NOT SLC.⋆⋆⋆


✦ write about SLC, especially 2010
✦ write about how missing that profoundly ties into both the constant weeping and the eating disorder, esp. the wanting to vomit until I'm hollow
✦ WHEN DID THAT ALL START??? we had this disorder back in 2010, remember, but not this bad. check logs, did it get this bad in 2013?
✦ "when the hacks stopped I didn't know how to live without abuse" topic
✦ write, in chronological order, EVERY SINGLE MEMORY we actually have of BOTH visits
✦ check diet logs to see if "reliving" those would assist with recall
✦ set up red & blue lights in room
✦ send y scans of ner headvoices that we did, try to do one or two more?
✦ y's notable books: "the magician's nephew" and that one fantasy series???

✦ write about the awful, awful, aching need for a mother

✦ jmc just put up a new thing on their website and I ADORE IT so much. oh man. I am so proud of this kid
✦ dp is currently obsessed with woodkid which is great. also some other bands I've never heard of, gotta look into them

 


prismaticbleed: (angel)

 



today's religious thoughts:

"grant me opportunities in which to show your charity, God."

"in the name and for the sake of and through Jesus Christ our Lord"


"it is the nonchalance with which you commit the sin that is the true blasphemy, child"

remember the dream about judas and stealing the almond butter
petty earthly sins are LETHAL
don’t sacrifice your eternal soul for some stupid fleeting waste


lord, let me be a door for you to walk through and into the lives and hearts of others.


talk about the "voices" and how I KNOW which ones speak true, but I keep struggling with this "fuzzy brain sinfulness" which TERRIFIES ME

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@00:08 AM



I know the face and feeling of my own soul. When I detach from appearance and form and just be, I feel total love for God, total willingness to do only His will, total obedience to His virtuous word.

But always, there is that vicious, wild-haired girl, snarling and hissing and spitting at me, "NO I DON'T," "I DON'T CARE," "I HATE THAT," etc.

She forces herself over me, elbows me out of my own conscious vision, and sits in my body as if she owns it, blaspheming against God and throwing our body into sin without a care

She is so hard to fight, God, she has such power it scares me.

I suppose all I can do, all I can ever do, is pray. Even if her immediate response is a loud scoff and a spit, "that's stupid," spoken with bitter acidic hatred. I cannot let the sheer agonizing pain of her intention spear me to death. I cannot. I must be strong, for the glory of God. It's not for my own sake. If I have any Good in me, it is from the Source of ALL Good, which is God the Creator, my Lord and Savior, who incarnated here on Earth as my beloved Jesus Christ. 

And I want to mean that too, wholeheartedly-- "my beloved," in speaking of Christ. Once again, the girl is the biggest obstacle, but she carries with her the ultimate stumbling block: this bizarre, guilt and fear-choked belief that "love is stupidity," that "love is evil."

 
…This consciousness has been fighting that false belief (for I KNOW it is false even if that hasn’t sunk in yet) since we were about 13 years old.

Truthfully, any "love" that is not Christlike is not love, and therefore is foolish. However, God is Love, and THAT Love is something ineffable and virtually unspeakable in its glory and beauty, felt and understood by the heart, surpassing all selfish doubts and sin, illuminating one's entire soul.

 

A thought about the Eucharist. 

It's GOD, it's JESUS CHRIST, coming to us in a tangible way here in this present age.

I've, weirdly, been struggling with understanding it lately? But that's key. It's not "just bread." The Host is a HOST. That little perfect circle of bread is a symbol of the Last Supper's same offering, of Christ OFFERING HIS VERY LIFE up for us, by sacrificing his body, his VERY INCARNATION, in reparation for our sins. 

The Eucharist is a reminder of that; moreso, it is a constantly re-offered gift. It's Jesus Christ, coming down in flesh and blood, giving himself to us in a way that our flawed bodies can partake in, not just our souls. That's important, I think. It's TOTAL communion. Our bodies are so broken and flawed and lost and God, through The Son, STILL wants them to be His Temples, still wants them to be vessels of holiness, and the only way that can happen is for God to BE in them, which LITERALLY HAPPENS when the Eucharist is taken into our bodies.

Our souls commune with Christ on that level. Our bodies need the Eucharist.

It's a great uniter, it's a mystery that makes perfect sense, it's a priceless treasure, and the one final thing we cannot forget is that it IS CHRIST JESUS. It's not just body and blood; it's not "remnants" of His incarnation here 2000 years ago… when we say it is His body and blood, we mean that in that it IS HIM, NOW. He has no physical body now as humans do, BUT in the Holy Eucharist, He has nevertheless stepped down into our world to be with us. In the Eucharist, He gives Himself all over again, in total love, in total selfless love, this time not to be crushed in rage and hatred, but to be joyously taken with gratitude and humility and knowledge of who He IS.

…My time in "headspace" taught me just what that feels like, to love someone so ardently and selflessly that you are willing to give your very self to them AS "food"-- NOT as something "to consume," NOT as something motivated by lust or passion or any such sinful selfish things-- but as a loving source of nourishment, for lack of a better word. It's the willingness to sacrifice one's life, one's very physical life, and to allow that person to take into themselves the most intimate core of you, your heart, your blood, your life-- as that is where you feel this love, this life, and you just want them to overflow with it, with this incandescent affection, this deep compassion, this want for them to just… shine with it.

That's the only way I know how to think of the Eucharist, and when I see it that way, through actual graceful glimpsing, however brief and imperfect, into a similar thing… it brings me to my knees, weeping.

The next thing I need to prayerfully "meditate upon" is the Most Holy Rosary of Our Blessed Mother.

That, too, has been surrounded by "doubts" lately.

It's so strange. I DO love all this of my faith, deep in my heart, but it's those weird surface-level screams and callous rejections that I need to burn up with this. God grant me Your proper discernment in this, and grant me the unflinching fortitude to obey what Your Divine Grace has allowed me to understand.

I love the Rosary I flipping LOVE the Rosary. I love it as a prayer and, I will admit with some awkwardness, I love it as a concept. Does that count? It's such an elegant, lovely thing-- this chain of jewels with the crucifix gracing the end, this mysterious tangible prayer. It's beautiful.

The devil keeps trying to separate me from our Blessed Mother Mary.

I have a deep inner pull of devotion to Her as the Mother of Sorrows, and as the Undoer of Knots, and a growing affinity to her as Star of the Sea. But at the end of the day she is still Mary, still "just" Mary, the Mother of God. The Mother of God! And she was almost a child still, she accepted in total pure selfless faith, the kind of faith I know the Holy Spirit can bestow upon me because I feel it sparkling deep within me now but it's buried, in this awful cave of human frailty. But Mary was human too, and her Son chose to become human too, for our sake

I guess the point I'm trying to make with that is, I do love her, but those awful demons keep screeching in my ear and chest, "no I don't!!", every time I affirm the truth (that I do). They aren't me but they coarsely demand to speak in my stead, and I NEED TO STAND AGAINST THEM. If I don't, their screams will drown out the words of my own heart, and then I'll be terribly lost in the bramble-bushes as it were, nearing the edge of the cliff.

 



prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

 


 

I woke up yesterday in the same panicked-anguish state that's been racking our bones for the past month solid, head empty, everything quiet, no feeling.

The entire shift at work was spent fighting back sobs of panic and emptiness, trying to remember what it felt like to care, what it felt like to love something, to love anything. Wondering if God had completely withdrawn.

Then, getting home, there was a message from E in the archive inbox.




We have to stay multiple. I'm so sorry, to everyone who demands otherwise, but we have to. Like this, we are love, we have and give love, we have joy and hope and peace… without us, there's nothing. There's nothing at all.

We keep being told by outside voices, claiming to be "so good," that such emptiness, such nothingness, is the highest good.
That's when I pick up the aqua-fabric book on my shelf and flip to a certain page, a certain fight, between a little girl named Meg and a little creature named Sporos and the swirling shrieking powers that threatened to swallow them both.


(unfinished)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 


@ 09:25 PM


 

I just read that "business transactions" (i.e. buying and selling) are forbidden on the Sabbath Day, which it is now (sundown on Friday; I'm going to follow it from now all through tomorrow), and my immediate reaction was a smile and a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness!"
I find that really interesting, that the thought of NOT having to shop for food, or list things on eBay, or do anything like that, is such an instant profound relief. And it's not a "lazy relief" either. It's a sort of spiritual relief. My soul is grateful for this day in which earthly work is FORBIDDEN so that our souls may commune in the LORD and rest in Him. That's what I WANT to do.
There are demons, temptors and nasty lying voices, always screaming at me, trying to put their thoughts into my head, but I know they're liars. I know who I am, and it is different from them. Very different. I want to be VIRTUOUS, and loving, and merciful and compassionate and HONEST and HONORABLE and I want to live with INTEGRITY and JOY IN THE LORD and FAITH AND HOPE AND LOVE. I want to live in such a way that the peace of Jesus Christ (glory be to His name) fills me, NOT through my own works BUT through the grace of the Holy Spirit which he bestows upon us by His mercy, when we align our hearts with His holy, divine Will.
"…so your faces do not blush with shame." I can't remember right now where that verse comes from (Corinthians?) but it always comes into my head when those "old girl" feelings appear.
I know the therapists say I have D.I.D. Whatever I have or not, I cannot deny that there are "individuals" who try to take over my body and mind that are NOT me, and I KNOW that, and I have to not fight them (traditionally), but IGNORE them, and SHINE as brightly as I can to chase them away.
If I stop dwelling on bad things it won't put down any roots in my head. I need to keep my mind focused on the LORD and His Commandments and His Works in the world (because it's HIS WORLD, not the devil's, even if some people say that-- GOD CREATED THE WORLD AND IT IS HIS FOREVER). I need to keep my mind full of Good, of Good Thoughts and Good Intentions and I mean GOOD, not "good," but GOOD. The big kind. And it's tough, living in this spiritual war, but I can do it, with God's Almighty Help. Alone I can't, obviously, but God hasn't left me alone. I'm sure of it. I know I'm a sinner and I've messed up a LOT but I will always, always turn my heart back to Him, no matter WHAT, and I will always keep trying, because I know deep down at my core of self, God made me Good, and I want to BE that Good at ALL TIMES here in this World. I can do it, through His Grace, if I keep his Commandments, and live in His Love.
And that's where the frustration sets in. By myself (meaning without distractions/ affectations) I can do all that effortlessly. BUT, for whatever reason, I'm standing here and those nasty girl "voices" keep elbowing their way into my thoughts and scoffing, saying "I don't care" and wanting to stop writing and go stuff their face with food!! But it's MY FACE!! God gave ME this body to live here and do Good Work for Him on this Earth, but these demons keep trying to TAKE this body from me, and ruin it, and make me "black out" and lose consciousness, and all sorts of dirty work like that.
I'm not ashamed. But I'm ashamed of what I've let them do, through me. The fault is still mine for not being vigilant, for not practicing virtue often and earnestly enough, for not meditating on the Word of God more, for not putting God and His Laws 100% FIRST in my life, over EVERYTHING ELSE, including eating. The body will die no matter what we feed it, but Jesus is the Bread of LIFE, remember, that's what we REALLY NEED.
But that's my point, is that negligence is my vice. I haven't been zealous enough in my dedication to God. I haven't been showing devotion. I've been lazy with my faith, and that's terrifying.
But it is hard. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How true that is, now that I'm older and I have to live in the devil's fake world more often (as a kid I was mostly safeguarded). I am SO willing to do nothing but God's work. But there's that evil, that creeping jeering yelling simpering evil, jabbing its claws into my brain, hissing and spitting in my face, shaking my shoulders and screaming at me like a bellowing cow, always telling me that I'm evil, that God doesn't want me, and all sorts of lies like that.
BUT there's that dirty-haired girl "part of my psyche," one of the ones that uses this body besides me (???? WHY), and she hears them and BELIEVES them and she never feels like she's close to God, and I feel like I want to save her but then I wonder if maybe she's not real???
Like, I'M real. I know I'm real. I know this body isn't me, I'm a spirit and when this body dies I'm gonna go on somewhere. I know that.
But I ALSO know that there are other "entities" USING THIS BODY when I'm "not around" or not awake, and THAT scares and confuses me, because I DON'T WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS, I want them to STOP, I want them all to LEAVE, FOR GOOD, because they're not me, but… they're in my head.
Thinking about them hurts and gives them power. I need to think about the LORD.
Thoughts have certain feelings and when I think about Godly things, about virtue and love and Goodness and obedience to His Holy Will, my thoughts feel like Easter. They're bright and light and colorful and feel like a spring breeze, all fresh and happy and new and clear. It's a NICE feeling and it makes my heart like a cloud and it's TRUTH, it's how I'm SUPPOSED to live, it's how I WANT to live.
But every once in a while some ugly thing will broadside me outside and then the nasty stuff pushes me out of the way… those heavy, dense, sticky thoughts and feelings, they're so nauseating, they're so wrong and bad. The ONLY thing I can do against that is AVOID THOSE SITUATIONS, and if I can't do that, I can push through with thoughts of God and His Goodness. That will chase away the bad stuff, if I hold it long enough with sincerity. You have to chase the demons out, not just make them take a few steps back.
That's tough to do in public, when demons broadside you out of the blue and it's hard to just stop and say a few prayers (especially if you're in a hurry) which is STUPID because I shouldn't care about worldly crap, if I need to stop and pray then I'll STOP AND PRAY, even if I have to wear a rosary right on my wrist so it's always instantly there. I don't care what people think! If they're of God then they won't mind! If they AREN'T following God and they scoff or laugh then WHO CARES!! That's demon work! But those are the people God needs to reach, so it's even MORE important that I not care about their judgments, because something deep in them is Good TOO, and if I'm unafraid and unashamed of my True Being AS that Good from God, then it'll maybe catch a spark inside of them for that same thing. The honesty will wake them up a little, through God's Grace, is my intention. BUT it won't happen if I'm being "ASHAMED" which I say again is STUPID but I shouldn't be using such language either. I'm sorry.
There's no reason to be ashamed of God, that very idea boggles my mind!! But see, that's NOT ME, it's one of those girls,
GOD WHY DID YOU SEE FIT TO TORMENT ME WITH THESE GIRLS ALL THE TIME????
I MEAN I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT BUT I GET SCARED SOMETIMES AND I WONDER IF I'M GOING TO HELL NO MATTER WHAT JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE IN MY HEAD and I need to stop typing in caps, I'm sorry again.
It's true though. I LOVE God, more than anything. But. If I slip, even for just a second, that one short-haired lustful gluttonous sassy scathing girl comes out, the one who's really loud and who I don't like but everyone in public loves (because she's of the world), and she does HORRIBLE SINS and my sin is that I don't stop her.
I get weak. I… there's no other way to say it, I give in and I let her do evil things, even if I know it's wrong, and THAT'S THE WORST SIN I CAN THINK OF, is moral negligence, because it means knowing God's Law and then STILL breaking it and that sends such chills of fear and panic and guilt up my spine, God I don't EVER want to do that again, please, help me. HELP ME, you know I want to be Good, I want to be ZEALOUS in my faith, I don't EVER want to be so lax in my dedication to being Good!!!
When the bad girl tries to steal food, help me stop her hand and say NO. Stealing is wrong! It is not yours, it is not fair to take it from someone else, you need to ASK or you need to PAY. She always tries to justify her sins, and the "justifications" are nonsense. You can't just take things. "But it's food," she says, "I have a right to it," but yeah so does EVERYONE ELSE EVER, that doesn't give you any right to take what OTHER people are paying for. Stop it, her game is to get me tangled in her lies.
Stealing is WRONG. You can easily pay for your food. BE GRATEFUL FOR THAT. However if you're stealing because you want junk food, to waste, THEN that's a DOUBLE SIN and I know that's WHY you steal in the first place. You're ashamed. You KNOW you're going to sin with that food and that’s why you won't BUY it!! You don't actually WANT it. Buying it would be honorable BUT that food is something you use dishonorably, and paying for it would bright LIGHT into that intention, and you don't want that. That's why you steal. STOP.
But she lies, everything she does is a lie, both of them, there are two of them actually. The dirty-haired one lies because she hides all the time, everything she does, under cover of shadow or secrecy, because the things she does are not virtuous, they are dirty and negligent and self-destructive and yes they ARE sinful.
The short-haired one lies blatantly. Like she'll lie to your face and smile about it. She DOESN'T CARE and that makes her TERRIFYING.

GOD, WHY DOES SHE LIVE IN MY HEAD?????
SHE'S NOT ME, WHERE DID SHE COME FROM???
God, how do I get rid of her? Or is that something only You can do, and You are withholding Your hand now for some hidden reason?
Either way, I trust you. But I still earnestly ask, with a disturbed and upset heart, why, why is she always tormenting me,
and the immediate answer was simply "because you aren't standing strong enough."
Effectively? It's always hard to put such answers into words.
But the point was, that girl wouldn't be tormenting me if I was living better, more actively and consciously. Yes that bad girl can currently push me out of driving, so to speak, but ONLY because my feet aren't firmly rooted yet!!! God wants me to STAND STRONG IN GOODNESS because if I do, then through God's grace, NOTHING will be able to shake me. I'll have my strength in loving obedience to Christ and THAT'S ALL I WANT.
That's my top priority. I'm even iffy to work on any Dream World stuff because I KNOW that's been corrupted and I need to fix it, BUT even MORESO, that's personal work mostly. God wants me to give my attention directly to HIM, and to DIRECT service, like helping my family. Dream World will ONLY be something worthy of attention when it brings me closer to Christ.
I am working on that, with the Virtue system, but I think that's why I'm so sick of Typecode stuff and all that. Yeah it's "worldbuilding" but it's spiritually exhausting because it's just STUFF. Until I can use THAT in a way that GLORIFIES GOD, it will remain exhausting. I think that's a sign.

I hope God doesn't mind if I take a break from typing currently to finish this book?
The message I got is, "God doesn't mind what you do if you keep God first and foremost in your heart."
Which makes me smile, because if you do that, then automatically you will only do good and wholesome things, because you're not ashamed or hiding. And your heart will feel SO MUCH BETTER!! You won't be smothering it or covering it in black cloud or black tar which hurts and is terrifying and God doesn't want that either. God wants to save us all, and he offers his mercy to EVERYONE, but we have to LISTEN, and we have to ACCEPT, and we need to LOVE and be BRAVE and all that. But the Choice is ours, to listen and obey.
But I know, I know God reaches out with mind-bogglingly infinite compassion, if we are open to Him and earnestly seek Him. I know, because He has not given up on me, despite the awful things in my past, despite my failings, because I KNOW, I PROMISE, I know by my very nature that I CANNOT and WILL NOT ever let go of God. EVER. So I will always, always turn back towards Him in contrition and love and hope, wanting to just be better, to grow closer to Him, and I REALLY MEAN THAT, that's all I want, ever.
So… it means a lot to me, that I'm always being led in that path, sometimes very sternly and powerfully (which is scary!) but I'm glad for it, because this path is all I want to walk. It's only the fleshly angry voices that get in the way, and yell at God, and try to push me out of the way, but they’re not me. I just need to BE more. I'll ask God for help with that.
"Meditate more," I get, with a sort of wry smile. "Meditate" meaning more of… tuning out of the world and into my heart, where God dwells (YES HE DOES), and coming back into tune. Remembering the TRUTH of my life and ALL life!! The more I do that, the more strongly I'll have my footing, and I'll gradually become unshakable in my obedience. It'll take time, but that's my goal. Total unafraid, zealously loving joyous devotion to God and His Name and His Works and His Word. I want to be an instrument of his mercy and love and justice and peace in the world.

All right now I really need to take that break, sorry, I'll be back.

…(God said for me to go to bed and write again tomorrow, whatever my heart is moved to do then. so good night everybody )

 

 

 



prismaticbleed: (shatter)





my grandmother wants me to stop being a christian and I WANT TO SCREAM

I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY WHY GOD WHY

this is the biggest struggle I want to WEEP AND WAIL she wont STOP

SHE TOLD ME TO STOP READING THE BIBLE

SHE SAYS I PRAY TOO MUCH

WHAT IS GOING ON

GOD HELP ME, WHY, WHY, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, WHY, WHY HER,


I don't understand, what am I doing wrong, I just want to be good




 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@12:06 AM



I’ve been doing a LOT of religious research over the past few weeks (I literally have 40 tabs open in Chrome right now), and I'm getting a little scared-- about my family.

Since childhood, I've kept the entirety of Matthew 19 in my head… the bit about marriage, the bit about riches, the bit about little children… the bit about family.
"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife[e] or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."

I think… well, I always wondered about it, apprehensively so, but… I was never sure if I'd ever literally be called upon to do that.

I think I might have to.


The Roman Catholic church is very corrupt, despite the truth it is entrusted with. I've known that in my heart for years, but lately it's been backed up by MANY sources, the most impeccable of which is Scripture itself. The Revelation of John all but spells it out.

…My grandmother has been saying things to me lately about faith that just aren't sitting well with me.
She's been insisting that God doesn't chastise people, when I say I feel I'm "being punished," and although that is rather incorrect wording (it's RECIPROCITY and I'm being called out on being an idiot so I can stop being one), she keeps telling me there's "no such thing as punishment?"

She's telling me to stop reading the Bible because it's "making me too paranoid"



(unfinished)




Profile

prismaticbleed: (Default)
prismaticbleed

June 2025

S M T W T F S
1234567
89101112 1314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jun. 26th, 2025 02:58 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios