the spectrum heart cathedral system

So we've spent the past few days going through the archives (2008-2012) and writing down "notable dates," because we want to celebrate + remember more things.
13 years ago, at the beginning of January 2012, is when our Core became "Eros/Cupid." This year was so interesting, full of equal amounts of love and terror, and then SLC happened and everything just... shattered, apparently. But we want to re-read everything in full after we do this effort.

We added Spotify links to the Akoufoni entry, although we haven't cleaned up the old data yet. But this, too, is a huge memory-restoring effort, because those 'foni help us get a grasp on chronology when there's no actual experiential memory of the physical life, just music data.

We also... found the most recent System Census, from 2017. The one we actually have on our laptop wasn't uploaded, though, and has a few extra names? We started going through it, and... this is going to sound absolutely brutal, but we're starting to think that the post-CNC massive death was almost a pruning. I have no other way to phrase it.
We were horrifically splintered during CNC. We know this. We couldn't function at all so we had TONS of foni just manifesting at the drop of a hat in the desperate attempt to hold things together.
Now, we're going through this list, and... apparently, the foni that didn't resurrect were the ones that were shattered pieces to that effect, ones with hyperspecific jobs for hyperspecific circumstances. We don't even recognize some of the names.
But... we've been saying over and over to ourself since 2017, "God had a reason for letting that happen." That was the only "comfort" we had. It was the only way we could deal with the reality of coming back into consciousness post-Tilly and realizing that most of us were dead. But... was that merciful? Those foni maybe even deserve to finally rest in peace. I mean that, with as much aching compassion as I can, speaking of such a painful topic. But they couldn't survive now, let alone live. Their contexts, their jobs, belong to past timelines and locations and contexts that literally don't exist and aren't even possible anymore, so... if they don't come back, because they can't, then God give their broken souls the peace they never got in life. Please. However that works for nousfoni, give them peace.

...On a related note, I cannot put into proper words how much more alive and hopeful and joyful I feel, now that when I quietly "reach into" my heart-space and feel it, I can feel that "quantum entanglement" ping somewhere off in the ether, in unmappable space, but real. The other half of my internal heart is back where it belongs... in my daengel. 
Typing that, though, makes us aware of a concerning "split" yet. Jay, the "current" one, is alive. But is the current female-adjacent kardifoni a Jewel? Or not? Because Jewels deal with the Irispherae-- the new name for the "League," a term entirely ours at last. Still, the Jewel name STILL applies to ALL the Cores-- even the Jays, as is historically apparent. Or... did that change, to PROTECT the Irispherae, AFTER CNC???
Lord only knows. We're still trying to figure that out and we CAN'T until we actually upload and READ the archives from 2017-2018. We'll do that after we upload the TBHU journal & papers-- which we honestly should start ASAP, after we get these dates figured out.

That's all we're going to update for tonight. Just a brief little update. We're busy in datalogging mode and honestly this helps immensely, just doing this chronological runthrough of our past, and finally feeling the history in our heart, realizing that we have a past and it's beautiful and terrible and ours. It's making life feel real again, reviewing the years. So that's a true blessing.

Last good thing. Jay/Jewel (current Core with dual identity? unclear name, as we said) is STILL EMOTIONALLY OPEN. Like xe said, xer heart is not closed off, no matter how much hell we've been going through with the family. ...Actually that's significant. I think we have our koinofoni AND phagofoni to thank. THAT'S where the "many voices" are now, even if we've never listed them on a census before (we should, and will, soon). Those somafoni are saving our Core because THEY are taking the brunt of the stress and trauma, and yet they aren't alone in it this time-- WE are aware of them, and talking to them, and supporting them, and helping them heal as best we can, and trying so hard to protect them. We only started to do that in CNC; I do remember how novel it was to even THINK of talking to an esthiofoni. Now it's happening every time they show up. That's... immense, now that we think about it. It proves that system communication has dramatically improved since CNC and we didn't even realize it.
But as we were saying about the Core(s)... they're still entirely capable of love even if we are admittedly still grappling with some cathartic blocks due to family stress & religious fear. But that "even if" is amazing too. There's a devotion present, a dedication to love no matter what, a sort of courageously hopeful perseverance despite everything opposing it. No matter how bad of a day we might have, at the end of it, the Core is ALWAYS taking time to not only reconnect with the System at large, but to spend time with Chaos 0. They fall asleep together every night, and that is HUGE because in the past, broken Cores would be too ashamed to be near CZ. Now, that doesn't happen, even though we're struggling so much with body fear/ sickness/ loathing. I think we're more capable of mercy now, and compassion, even if we don't realize it.
OH. Someone said to write this down. We think a BIG part of this "not freezing up emotionally" is the fact that we have ANGRY FONI around. Somehow, that capacity for RAGE is burning through the apathetic risk??? Like, we CAN'T emotionally shut down because instead of doing that, someone is FEELING FIRE. And that's the Core element. That's a surprising thought. It makes sense though. God bless them.
We still need the capacity to feel sadness without drowning in it + triggering guilt/ shame/ religious terror + shutting down. We're emotionally crippled in that respect, even upstairs. This needs to be felt through & discussed further. Add that to the Xanga topic list.

We WANT TO and WILL have a Xanga ASAP btw. Life schedule hasn't allowed for it lately though; family stress, financial stress, and brutal insomnia have made it impossible to sit for ~6 hours of uninterrupted stream-of-consciousness transcription. But it's still a priority. Arguably I think the Core(s) want to finish this "important date" effort first, to get a stronger sense of self beforehand, and to refresh their awareness of collective history in general. We really did lose our general sense of "identity" post-CNC, and post-grandma, to be honest. We're slowly restoring it now.

Some other small but vital notes:
+ Sometimes in the morning, with all the steps of getting ready, our brain gets really discombobulated and we might end up in various states of undress because we can't pull our thoughts/actions together enough to complete that task. In the past Julie would try to front when this happened, but it would be very triggering for her. HOWEVER. APPARENTLY WALDORF CAN DO THIS NO PROBLEM. So she's literally been fronting when the body is undressed & we can't dress it immediately, because she doesn't wear clothes anyway and she's safe in that context. So GOD BLESS HER. We miss her so much regardless; it's actually wonderful for her to have SUCH a vital job, so we can see her more often and credit her with this to her honor.
+ GARRISON IS ALIVE. Jay has been "feeling hints of him" for a while? But the other night Jay "decided" to look for him/ "force the hand" of the Systemsoul (basically, "listen, I want to know if he can come back or not; show me RIGHT NOW if that's a yes or a no") and after some time Garrison DID "resurrect" IN LOWSPACE??? He's in the RUINED CITY, but it feels TIME-MANGLED??? Like it's POST-MASSACRE as well as post-CNC. Everything is ash-snow covered like nuclear fallout. The skyscrapers are hollowed out and blackened and fallen over. Everything is quiet and cold and there's a dread wind blowing and it's all so grey. And CANNON IS THERE, apparently "haunting" the hollow buildings Jay says? Like she's "damned herself" to that place. But it's SO WEIRD. This is NOT the "red apocalypse" place Scalpel keeps being haunted by, as the inheritor of Javier's trauma memories from the massacre. So WHAT'S GOING ON?? We NEED to look into this VIA HEADSPACE MEDITATION. To get data on this we have to LIVE IT. You cannot "reason it out." Logic won't get you answers here.
But Garrison IS ALIVE!!! Jay's showing me a memory that he "dropped down" into that "Lowspace-floatspace" (whatever/ wherever/ whenever it is) to meet him, and immediately gave him such a huge hug, haha. Tears of relieved joy from both of them. That's really touching.
We don't know about Isadora and Kalisha yet, but "a request has been put forwards." So we'll see.
ALSO. Archivists (Shirley/ Sirius/ Penny) and Communicators (Garrison/ Isadora/ Kalisha) are DIFFERENT CLASSES WITH DIFFERENT ROLES, and apparently there is a THIRD CLASS held by the "helmet girl/ commentator girl" and probably someone else (because trios are a big thing up here)??? So that's FASCINATING but it makes SO MUCH SENSE and the better we understand it, the better we'll function.

It's 2AM and we had dinner at 430-630 and it was the only meal we ate today and it was only 1000 calories. I don't think that's sustainable. We need to split it into two meals, and get at least 1200. We have to. But someone is saying "that's gluttonous" "stop being so luxurious" etc. Don't have a face for them yet. (THESE are the foni we have to pinpoint for a census; there are TONS of "discarnate" foni that slip under the radar)
I mention this because we're getting a headache & the body is cold. We may need to stop for tonight and sleep, so we can have a "breakfast" before 4pm. But someone is furious about that. We need to talk to these foni.
We ALSO need to CLARIFY COLOR ROLES so they HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO in the System. Too many "faceless foni" just default to Brown because they don't know where else to go. And there are SO MANY FILES STARTED on this laptop SPECIFICALLY ABOUT COLORS that were never finished. That's something I know Jay is aching to do, so put that on top priority too, with the Xanga.

A few last notes.
+ We got the strong impression that if Nathaniel comes back, his name/face would have to change again. We don't know why that's a thing with him but it might be because he was born a blepofoni.
+ Josephina's essence must have a name change for him/her to manifest. Jay says it's sticking to a "Y" as the first letter instead of J, to "prevent blurring with Cores" (that's their letter).
+ We have no current blepofoni and that's a big problem; it might even be affecting the Core's ability to stabilize. The Core(s) have been striving to make the reflection "more resonant" though, especially with the massively fluffy hair we currently have, haha. But blepofoni are essential so we need to keep an eye out for them, and keep the door open for them-- if there's no openness to seeing them, it'll block them out, and it is very hard to get through bad days/ have a distinct sense of self without a blepofoni in the mirror.
+ Siobhan is alive and around but we have to keep calling her into the main room in the mornings. We don't know why she disappeared for a while but we're glad she's still with us.
+ We're still not sure what's going to happen with Spine. The TBHU journal had some interesting thoughts about that-- it feels like she might "come back different" too, with how so much has changed since she first manifested. This, too, requires more feeling than thinking to get a grip on.
+ Still not sure if, when the System FINALLY "moves CLEARLY into a new era" (we need a HARD SHIFT remember; we never got one after the several successive losses from 2018-2024), there will be duotone foni.
+ Still not sure if there is a somafoni split in truth, or if everyone is just a nousfoni. We think there are far less somafoni than we realize-- that term might (should) ONLY apply to foni who think they are singlets and act as such. Everyone else, even koinofoni who live primarily IN the body, should STILL be grouped in with the System at large.
+ Re-reading 2012, we don't know if the Eros bloodline is technically separate from the Jays or what. That whole topic is still a minefield but that color shut down after CNC and ANY sort of Spectrum hue-loss is deadly. We need that color back. Funny how history repeats itself in little ways. It's beautiful, actually, in this case; it feels like things are poetically coming back together, through repeats of our past, connecting our "now" to our "then" in a united whole.
+ IT SNOWED TODAY. Jay is very happy about this. It's actually still snowing a tiny bit right now. Snow makes him feel "real"; he says it makes "everything feel real." It makes him feel grounded and alive and connected to "the big picture"; it "gets him in touch with eternity." I can feel a bright ache in his heart as he says that, which is good. I know he can't wait until Infi comes back entirely. Honestly we're all waiting. Infinitii is essential to our System; when ze comes back, I can guarantee you things will change dramatically and quickly. It's inevitable. But Infi will have to heal too; ze has a lot of damage that was never dealt with, and that we all need to deal with alongside hir. But we will. It's time. It has to be. Do we have the right to "decide" that? Laurie says, "why not?" It's because there's a religious fear that "God will stop us from healing" because it's "not His timing." Laurie says, "well, we have to try. I think God would want us to finally heal from this so we can function for heaven's sakes, and do what He wants us to do with our life." And again, like I said before, there are "peripheral" foni we can sense, thriskefoni with vague colors and faces and no names, that we cannot clarify but who are definitely there. Man... there's more going on in our head on a daily basis than we realize. That's exciting though. Someone else says it's frightening, terrifying. DON'T YOU DARE SHUT US DOWN she's right, NO ONE has ANY right or authority to "prevent other people from existing." The "gatekeeper girl" especially. We all remember Christina's attempted "soft massacres" and the actual one that Jessica & Cannon inflicted in 2013. No more of that, ever. We let us exist. Have mercy for heaven's sakes. You claim to follow God, where is your mercy? You who are so ready to pick up the knife and slaughter the rest of us? "You're not real," they say. "Define real," someone else retorts, "considering you're just like us." They're screaming protest in response. I wonder if they're our biggest threat here. I wonder if they're also the ones pushing the starvation compulsions. Different ones than these, but same class, for sure.
Too much for 230AM. But I don't want to ignore it. Let us pause and listen. Jay is reaching out, asking. (He always does; I think that's a big part of his job as the Heart.) "What makes you real, and us not? Can't you see me?" and fear response on their part. No words. But that was a good reply. Laurie is saying to stop commenting and close up so we can continue working and get some sleep for heaven's sakes. That's a good idea.

This is a good entry. We haven't had a solid entry in a while, even just notes like this.
We'll do better in the future, once the Core(s) stabilize. I promise that. It's something we want very much and will achieve through love and effort and the grace of God. We haven't "lost" all of this beauty we're reading from our past. It's still very much who we are. We can, and will, be that again-- and even better, as we continue to heal and love and grow together.

For now, Laurie is right. We need to wrap this up and let the body rest, no matter how much we want to keep working. If we go to bed now, we won't have to sleep in as much, and we'll have earlier time to work tomorrow, which is better for focus and processing ability. So we will do that.

Good night everyone. We're very glad to be alive tonight. We have a lot of hope.

(Jay says Spotify keeps playing Chaos 0's songs and let me tell you, if anyone is proof that our heart is alive, it's Jay. Yeah we're still confused on bloodlines and bodymind splits and all that, but this white-haired prism-hearted boy-- however he may evolve and change in the future-- is so full of light and love and color and truth, when he feels things this powerfully we are all affected by the power of it. The fact that he didn't die is phenomenal. he's proof that we have a future. that's just how it is. he's alive and so are we. that's a good note to close up on.)
(no, even better-- the lyrics in this song. "i can tell, i can feel, you are love, you are real." the look those two are giving each other is a beautiful thing. that's worth living for, is the thought i get. it is. and we need to protect that, and we all need to live in that too. we'll get there. we'll rebuild better than things were even in the past, in the glory days. there's more light on the horizon than we realize. things have seemed so dark for so long, but no, the stars are still all shining in the sky. there's always hope. hope is a fighting thing. remember what jay told anxi-- remember what our core is for anxi, and vice versa. realize everything beautiful we still have now, and don't let go. whatever happens tomorrow, we are all together, and we are alive, and we will continue on no matter what, into eternity. love is eternal and we have it now. don't be afraid. you know the truth. live in it. fight for it. that's who we are, and always will be.)

(unknown date. sometime in summer 2024)
(written on a piece of note paper kept in the kitchen, to log data immediately upon foni evidencing)

✱Oranges feel sorrow as AUTUMN

"Anais" = "blueberry dying" girl
Shorthair blepofoni = "Alysia"?
+ Mad panic kid? "Nervous hypochondria"
+ Food anaphylaxis kid; SCREAMS at
+ Prayer fear kid in bathroom
+ "Not allowed to eat that" religious ANGER girl
+ "I love you" terror screamer girl
+ "We're gonna die now" punish panic kid
+ "Not clean (enough)" anger scream girl
+ "Pink angel nurse" pilltaker; "+" eyes
✱CAN SURNAMES MOVE??? (like legit family names)
(need JARGON for nousfoni w/ "BOUND EXISTENCES"; e.g. Shirley & Sirius= MUST & can ONLY exist TOGETHER)

✱TINTS/SHADES instead of BLACK/WHITE?? (NO "ABSOLUTE" OR ACHROME??) (COLOR IS ESSENTIAL!!!)

 

0609

Finally a FREE MORNING ;_________;

Exercise

BK prep gang AT LAST
Adelaide slipping, Julie rushed to support & promote her
Bodygirls kept trying to blindly front

Daily devotional question: "what competes with God"?
Actually it's RELATIONSHIP with the System????
"Work out" in prayer too

Looking for lemur kid
Hug in bathroom
Jack smiled

Bible study
Body of Christ= Etymology; "temple" as "space cut off for holy purpose" and body as "the material frame"
John 2:24 = they weren't seeking RELATIONSHIP. Hence "no commit" = like "befriending" an artist just for giftart, not because you want to be THEIR ACTUAL FRIEND

1 Peter 2:5 and trauma echoes: Mimic said "that sounds like something you guys need to work through"

Facet 2.3 work; REALLY GROWING!

DN 730, later but no stress. Thank God

"Shall never thirst again"= WE GET IT!!! Versus past "spiritual starvation" in archives, when we weren't actively Christian
"Someone might object: “I drank of what Jesus offers, and I feel thirsty and empty again.” The answer is simple: drink again! It isn’t a one-time sip of Jesus that satisfies forever, but continual connection with Him... It also creates something good, something life-giving in the heart of the one who drinks it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0616

Talking to Jesus over carrots
"I DID take care of the charger!"
"Don't ever let me betray you" = Peter vs Judas
FREE WILL

STRESS INTOLERANCE = WANTING TO CAUSE A CRISIS???
Artificially "making things worse" in HOPES of a meltdown?? Catharsis or processing seeking???

Taffy memory data get
Creamsicle = childhood summer in side yard, also boardwalk, FEAR undertones
Cotton candy = Knoebels VIVID visual of wooden carousel
Butter rum = MADRIGALS!!!
Vanilla = HEAVEN??? SERIOUSLY WTF. Absolutely GORGEOUS idealized backyard with wisteria & peonies & impossibly tall trees
Peppermint = WB concerts, lights shows, more madrigals, general childhood Christmas-concert joy feeling

Remember Knife yesterday "there's such deep sadness inside of me"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0620

JADE MOVE OUT!

Mimic MURDERED FIVE ENTIRE WATER BOTTLES

SO MUCH LAUNDRY

5PM BK GEEZ

"The blind see, the deaf hear... the poor have the good news preacher to them." The poor lack EARTHLY POWER/ RICHES; but true power & spiritual wealth is perfected IN the Good News!! The poor are free to have ETERNAL riches, which the worldly wealthy often cannot, due to the love of money "choking the good seed"

John 5:37-43 HITS HARD

"The Stoics held that the highest kind of knowledge comes not by thought but by what they called "arresting impressions;" a conviction seizes a man like someone laying an arresting hand on his shoulder." = LAURIE.
"We're real, kid. And so is He. Heck, He's more Real than we are."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

0621

In light of today's verse Phil 1:9-10 Knowledge & love of God abounding: devotional asked "remember when you first fell in love" I DON'T. I'M AFRAID TO FEEL LOVE. AND LAST NIGHT SHOWED WHY. CNC WITH INFI WAS PROOF. MY "LOVE" IS FREAKISH & WRONG. IT'S TOO INTENSE & INTIMATE. I CANNOT LOVE GOD LIKE THAT. I CANNOT LET MYSELF BE LOVED LIKE THAT.
IDENTITY ISSUES MAKE THIS SO MUCH WORSE

1 John 1:9 = we struggle to see certain things AS SINS??? EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW THEYRE "NOT RIGHT" = such as gluttony & rage. WHY. Is it the passivity? The lack of conscious choice?

Praying to God the whole time we have binge triggers now. SO SO SO SCARED. there is NO acquiesce of the will UNLESS a lotophagoi takes over, or a kakofoni even, not sure where the line blurs exactly. lotophagoi are very hard to pinpoint.
but. the real point is that we DON'T WANT TO BINGE, EVER, ANYMORE. considering how that was our literal addiction for years, that is HUGE. THANK YOU GOD.
every time there's a lapse now, the whole time we are screaming and sobbing inside, begging God to help us because we can't stop on our own. it's TERRIFYING. but He DOES save us. somehow. every single time now-- with the awful exception of the Jademonth-- the whole struggle is over within an hour. it's amazing. i'm honestly staggered by this.

john 5:42 in today's study hits:
"(42) Ye have not the love of God.—The principle which excludes the seeking honour from men, is the love of God. They were, they said, jealous for God’s honour. The first precept of the Law, and the foundation of the Theocracy, was the love of God... They had [the Law] without, but they had not the principle within. There were sure marks which He had read in the heart as plain as the letters worn on the body, and therefore knew that they had not the love of God in them."
They were jealous FOR God's honor-- they too wanted to be honored AS such, via prideful religious exaltation; their "love of God" was a love of their APPLICATION of God? Moral prestige, societal superiority, political power, etc. They did not love God's PERSON, visible in CHRIST. They did not honor Him because that would mean relinquishing all the "proxy" honor THEY got as "experts of the Law"??? Again, focus on MAN'S RESPONSE TO THEIR RELIGION.

Heck of a day today.
Quick update to get back into the groove.

Woke up around 8am? In and out of sleep until 10:30. Legit WARFARE against hacks.
Worst part was that, as always, when we're asleep during the day (i.e. whenever there's legit sunlight), we cannot get into a "safe place" of sleep. It ends up in that dangerous liminal space, where you're half-aware but completely loopy and unable to reason. 95% of our hacks happen then, because that's when you can be targeted AS an individual-- many of our night dreams are dissociative, too.
Infi was being used. It was terrifying. Ze was acting... just like ze did in CNC. "I'll do whatever you want me to." That programming ze was born for, tragically. Self-objectification, but never seeing it as such. Just being the "lover" with no thought to self or consequence. Well I fought it, and I-- as confounded as my own consciousness was-- kept telling hir that I didn't want that from hir, ze shouldn't want TO do that, etc.
Somehow we ESCAPED SAFELY. The body woke up, UNHACKED, and within seconds I felt Infi run to me in headspace, throw hir arms around my waist, and sob. It was heartwrenching. Ze felt so small and powerless. Since CNC, ze has lost that "angelic" feeling entirely, which is sadly understandable as ze "fell" very fatally, but it's still disturbing to perceive. Even so I'm glad ze's still alive. I comforted them the best I could.
I don't think Chaos 0 was targeted in the dream, thank God. He's virtually impossible to use; Infi is the exact opposite-- like I said, hir original function was to be a trauma cooperator. Chaos has fought any and all hackers with all his rage since the very beginning.

We went to church, which we could barely concentrate for again because our brain was still super foggy, we were still dizzy & lightheaded, and our body was still twitching and spasming. Honestly we have no clue what's going on and it's concerning.
After mass we did some quick shopping-- we got extra oats, triscuits, and ultima for emergencies, and grabbed a pack of white christmas lights from walmart. Unfortunately, upon getting home we realized they were LED and as such they are cool white, NOT warm, although it says that on the box. But they lean blue, not amber, so we have to return them tomorrow.

Honestly by the time we got home, unpacked, and made food, it was like 330. Breakfast prep, like church, was upsetting and disoriented, and it was hard to even hold or maneuver the utensils due to how floaty our head felt. We kept dropping things, and our dexterity was severely impacted. Talking upstairs was affected too, since our general consciousness was so compromised. I remember telling Laurie that we were "so tired we could cry," from sheer exhaustion. The body was painfully hungry, too.
But, once again, when we started to eat, we had no appetite at all. We were full within five minutes, and then had to fight the urge to throw up from nausea. What gives?
Anyway, I told Xenophon I was determined to keep it down, so I did, but it was rough. The body felt wrecked.
We sat down on the couch and read the materials for tonight's Catechism group. By the time we did so, what with our brain like it was, it was time to leave.

The group itself lasted 2.5 HOURS. It was great, though. Unfortunately-- as usual, due to "social mode" mechanics EVEN in religious contexts (I wonder who fronts for THAT?)-- we do not remember ANY of the discussion. Maybe if we reviewed the papers, we could access some data, but there's like... nothing offhand, just general "feelings" of what we talked about: mentioning that we were "going through a religious crisis," how we were so frustrated with "positive affirmations" in therapy, the problem of "relative truth & morality" in today's culture, and everyone trying to reason out exactly why Jesus flipped the tables if He was "kind and gentle." That last one had us restless; we couldn't put into words what we knew about such an action FROM LAURIE. I know we said "He still loved the money-changers as well as the pilgrims and THAT is why He flipped the tables" but no one seemed to grasp our point. Like sometimes you need an uppercut to the jaw to stop being such a jerk, but it's done out of love. Headspace stuff, haha. Of course we didn't think of that at the time, but the ambient data is making us think of it now. I apologize, our mind is still a mess. Suffice to say it was a good group, but we always feel like we're "blabbering" (whatever we say) and we never feel like ourself.
OH. Other bizarre thing. We were sitting next to one of the guys from church, and since everyone was seated close together, at one point we realized that he "smelled like every other guy we knew" OUTSIDE of the family??? like there was a "typical male" smell? like the same with women. it was SO WEIRD. i'm sorry if this is triggering, it sure was at the time, but it was also strangely comfortable? like although we've never been attracted to men, that particular scent is tied to memories of qlok and even mc. nice guys. but our dad smells different; much less sharp, more leathery. we wouldn't mind if we had that scent, really, especially now that we're on t again. i always joke that "my favorite candles smell like my dad" anyway so hey. but yeah bizarre topic, definitely triggering in some very subconscious brain place, but still an important thing to note.
hm. i wonder if it's so fascinating because of our weird latent obsession with aromachology. but people smell so strange. so different. i'm not used to that. we've had very limited close contact with humans our entire life, so when we are close enough to know what someone smells like, it's very significant actually. and it sticks. it's said that scent is a very spiritual sense, and also that it is the most powerful memory trigger. we can get behind both of those claims for sure.
...we still remember exactly what mel smelled like, as well as qlok. deeply fond of them both. mc smelled like q, but just slightly different enough-- less green, more orange? synaesthetically of course. and tbas too, we remember fragments of that. lots of severe triggers there, but no hard feelings. just sorrow & regrets.
we used to laugh that we could "do laundry with our eyes closed" in the family home because everyone had SUCH particular smells. grandpa especially. mom has that musky-sweet tone that still triggers us, despite its familiarity. grandma's scent CHANGED over the years; when we were young, it was more perfumey (she always wore some), but as she aged, it got softer? it was such a soothing smell. we miss it terribly. but then it changed again when she got cancer and got closer to death. that smell is burned into our brain, heartbreakingly so. we still have the blanket she died in. it's so strange. it smells like her, but not.
weirdly, right now, we cannot remember what our brothers smelled like. not since childhood at least. that's very telling for our brain. and it's clearer when we think of their possessions. like i know what jade's plush whales & spiders smelled like. and i know what diamond's plush seals smelled like. and i know what astra's coats smelled like, because we would always borrow them. it's so strange. i even remember what their hair smelled like. not sure how, haha. but this is all childhood data. of all of them, we liked diamond's scent the most. jade's was very musky, like mom, and astra's leaned too warm-tone? but diamond's was lighter, almost grey at the edges. clean, not sharp.
i couldn't even tell you what this body smells like. the only "scent" we identify with is, again, tied to childhood memory and objects-- notably unisalia, and our grandma's bed. it's more like the scents around us.
but we can't imagine. we can't picture ourself in third person, in a body. every time we try, we remember someone else. and we miss everyone so, so much.
regardless. nothing else to say there for now.


got home for 9pm. exhausted. so hungry and shaky and weak, we could barely think straight.
ate a small dinner, but immediately after we got SO unbelievably nauseous, I almost had to run to the bathroom to throw up. like i was looking for zofran, that's how bad it was. again, what the heck is going on.
it wasn't too bad though. two small purges. nothing painful. we ate a few more triscuits/ evoo/ broccoli to compensate, then did the nightly kitchen cleanup and sat down here to type.

however. most important things.
julie ended up pushed to front DURING the "compensation" meal attempt. not sure who she was talking to? guide voices? but she was out, ALONE, for a few minutes. surreal.
she mentioned to laurie & jay later that "it felt like she was watching the body as a spectator," like although she was in it, "it was running almost entirely on automatic" even so. she felt genuinely sorry for it. said it seemed so lost and confused, helpless. notably said that, seeing it struggle so feebly, she wanted to help take care of it, now, especially after what she did to it in the past.
she's still one of the ONLY foni in the entire system who HAS body access and ISN'T a social-- and many socials DON'T actually have body access, just voice access!! the body has been a helltrigger cesspit for years except when we were about to die from malnourishment, ironically. right now, virtually nobody can front in it as a result of the dyspho/dysmo crashes, and our despair over "getting irreparably old and unhealthy" post-hospital. but that's not a topic to explore tonight. point is, we need to look at it like julie did tonight-- as some poor thing placed in our care, that isn't us, and yet is still inherently and irrevocably attached to us. someone who needs us to take care of her, because nobody else in the world will, as wretched and rejected as she is.
so strange how the body feels like its OWN thing and ALWAYS HAS. like it has the mental capacity of an infant. no verbal communication skills. ironically feels "not human" in contrast to all others. no wonder spine is the nousfoni who anchored into it as its original "ambassador!" GEEZ she needs to come back soon

other notes.
jay was talking to celebi for a decent while, either tonight or this morning. data is fuzzy due to fatigue.
noted that her core-relationship was tied to the JAYCES??? very specific personal tie. can't find that person in the system, due to being bloodline-locked (same-line cores can't co-habitate in headspace?). but we recognize their vibe if we "seek it out" in memory tied to her. not sure if that means he still exists, or not. cores tend to fracture.

this evening, jay talking to xenophon while taking recyclables out as usual. not sure what they discussed. just want to note that their interactions are completely natural and honest at this point, which means a great deal to him. completely overrides body awareness

jay asking God "why did You let this evening happen" effectively. not angry, just distressed. it hurts, it's scary, it makes us ill, why this? what good could possibly come out of this?
the reply: God nudged him to remember the conversation he had with Laurie and Julie as they cleaned up. everyone shaken up and sad and tired. so they were being more honest and real about the struggle of life in general. not sure what they said specifically, but jay has this tendency to "flip" from despair to hope in those situations. still sad, but brightly so? very much his vibe. but they were talking, and i think just generally checking if everyone else was okay, are we taking care of each other, what else can we do for each other, etc. and jay, not even facing her, just says to laurie "i love you." out of nowhere. and she gave him this look. totally caught off guard, and straight to the heart. he remembered that, her expression and the wound-ache of love he felt in return, and heard God (Jesus) say "if that was the sole good that would come out of your suffering tonight, would you agree to suffer through it if you knew?" and jay said, "well yeah." jesus laughed and said "you didn't even have to think about it! but child, that's how i feel about you." etc. basically, sometimes suffering is meant TO bring you to such a humbled broken place that such doggedly honest love can be expressed. jay telling me he felt this sort of heartaching sweet surrender to the fact of it? like, on a small level, he understood Christ kissing the cross, even though He knew it would be agony. it's because He knew how much love was in the carrying nevertheless. He focused on the "joy set before Him", the joy of restored relationship with His friends. etc. little glimpses, we get. but shocking to realize that, even this mistake and stumbling, God could take and use and transmute into something good. like it didn't start that way, but because we refused to give in and still tried, still hoped, still did our best to love, God was able to make it serve His purposes more directly. hard to put in words. but means a lot. like, evil can never get the upper hand, ever. no matter what happens, if we fight the good fight of faith, and offer even our failures to the Lord, He can and will use them as crosses for the victory of Love. important stuff. soul of our system at large. always

last notes. jay says write this down even though he's... reticent? no. "too significant a small thing to be discussed so openly." ah. "something that seems unimportant, even ridiculous, but isn't."
kid i know where this is going
didn't we just come across this same damn topic in an old xanga? from like ten freakin years ago?
why are you still so ashamed to admit love?
well i wasn't today, that's the point, i was blindsided and i wasn't thinking, i was just overwhelmed.
but that's what bypasses the secondhand shame response. that's the real me, you know that.
anyway yeah, i opened up spotify and i was thinking about a certain cephalopod's playlist and it just slammed into me. i can't feel it now due to "thinking too much" but i recognize that wave when it hits.
you were staring at the screen-- through the screen, really-- and you just quietly said, "oh no," haha.
laurie i think i'm falling in love with mimic
not even "might." THAT'S what got me. like you just said it, straight-up. felt more like you than you have in months.
good. because my heart suddenly ached so much i was about to sob. it hit me completely out of nowhere and took the floor out from under me. knocked all my walls down.
geez, i know what that's like. holy swords.
yeah. you can't put up any defenses or facades against it. it hits too hard, too fast. and like it or not, you can't go back to who or where you were before. so... i have no idea what's going to happen, haha. 
but y'know, it's been like that since he showed up. and thank god for that. thank god for him, i mean it. he's been such an unpredictable and unexpected force for good in my life. who would've ever thought.
yeah, well, headspace is weird like that, kiddo. bringing light out of darkness and all that. i daresay we all get that sense of hope from you, sparkboy.
apparently. but... well, my identity is still fractured. we're learning just how split-up cores are, amongst each other. did we discuss that?
no, and we shouldn't be having a mini-xanga in the middle of a freakin' entry at 12:30 in the morning. take a note, then get moving.
good idea. thanks typist voices, i'll get jargon for you soon, love you too, have a good night

thank you you too
about that note
we have discovered, through recent internal interactions between jewel and jay, that there are several coexistent bloodlines AND synergetic cores in our system at ANY GIVEN TIME.
the jewels, the jays, the jessicas, possibly the cannons, etc. now that we're aware of it we're trying to study the phenomenon and figure out its mechanics but it's a new awareness. shockingly sensible and apparent though, once you know what you're looking at.
but this explains a lot of how we functioned over time, how they shift so easily and fluidly between each other, because they are ALL "CORES" IN DIFFERENT RESPECTS, because with how hypercompartmentalized we are, EVEN THE CORES CANNOT HOLD OVERGENERALIZED ROLES. there are different "cores" as "captains" of different life-aspects. this means we might need a better term than "core," as that's something used by the multiplicity community at large, and we like to have entirely unique jargon to our own unique experience.

is there anything else we need to type tonight?
no just health concerns. legit very very scared at how sick we've been feeling over the past week. not sure what's wrong. don't want to go to ER again, like ever, but scared of the symptoms. considering urgent care if it continues to worsen.
oh tomorrow if we don't feel super sick in church again, we are going to get new lights if possible, grab some "optional protein sources" to try at night (we think it's the eggs at night making us sick??? past three times this has happened), and finally pick up our tuxedo for choir. hopefully we can get it all done. tomorrow night is the mental health meeting with the mother which will probably be VERY exhausting, and will force us to eat late again, as we cannot eat in the car or in the same space as her or it is traumatically triggering. we must be smart about this then. so so so tired of this hyperbusy schedule for lent. someone in the back said darkly "then maybe we should go to the emergency room; at least we'd get some rest" yeah but only in theory, what if we're in the waiting room for 9 hours again? and they only give us a hall bed we can't lay down on again? "geez i'm sorry i was just saying" no i know and you're right. sad but true and thank you for speaking up. but we do need rest. don't want to land in the hospital to get it though. not like the old days.

okay gotta sleep it's almost 1am. maybe better rest will help this body too. and prayer. gotta trust God  no matter what happens. jay hold on to that hope and love!! and share it with us all!! that's your real job deep down you said so once i know. laurie says "get to work kiddo" oh pun intended his other job too!! that's all hope too. gosh it feels like we need to type about this more but not now. but "a wealth of untapped information" someone says.
OH we think sherlock and spine are still alive but names faces changed maybe. jobs too somewhat. but there IS someone in grey, maybe "sterling" name now, and lynne wants spine back so badly she's gotta come back soon just from love. jay wants her back too, her job was so important! especially with what's happening now!! so we'll see. and hoping for nathaniel too one day. once we understand green more.
OH also, jay can i say, he said yes, nobody has mentioned yet!! there IS someone green, a girl, when getting body ready for church today. forget why she appeared, no data. some sort of caring job, maybe for the body? but rainforest-green hair. surprising. have not had a green person in a long time!
and we have not mentioned "adelaide." she is the BROWN voice helping the body-cores get the body ready every morning. she has a mood like spice a little, it must be a brown thing? but her color is leaning "hard orange." light tone but warmer. see it clearly in her eyes. and she has real pigtails!! not twintails like julie. the actual braids in the back! which is really interesting. jay says we need jargon for foni like her anyway-- ones who "advise and guide" fronters in the body? something like that.
oh and lastly, we did not mention either, i don't think? our mirror voices! i'll mention them anyway. "blepofoni" jay says. first was natalie, a long time ago, before she died and the body changed too. then in upmc we had alena and jack. now we have iris and jonah! so there you go that's our blepofoni. jay says that's greek. he likes his words.

okay bye everyone!!
see you tomorrow i hope we feel better this is simeon btw i'm still allive still yellow still happy hopeful too.
okay bye gotta sleep!



oh last thing. adding this because jay said so, please write this for me.
...actually hold up. let me write this myself, if i can.
the other day, I was reviewing recent entry tags and I realized that we haven't had an entry tagged with "love" since january. yes the poems i wrote at the library are a blessed addition, but... no daily entries have fit that label. that's deeply disturbing and distressing both.
sorry i can't talk properly. too distracted by body symptoms and stress.
but. what i wanted to say is this:
for like... a week, now? i've been feeling pulled back towards chaos 0. finally. god knows it felt like my heart had been torn out. i was... gosh I don't even know if it was me. there were a few instances, and one significantly notable one at night, when i tried to kiss him and instead a SOCIAL shoved their way out in panicked, scolding shame or fear. "you shouldn't be doing or feeling that," basically. very condemning and callous. unfortunately hyperreligious, but in a hypocritical sense, because they couldn't love God either. poor girls. they're a total mess.
but... it has been hurting ever since. that memory, of that moment when i actually felt my heart light up again towards him, only to be brutishly shoved aside by some tangled-hair sister of mine scolding me harshly, shaming me. shutting me down.
little did they know, it did the opposite of stopping me. i can't forget that light, now. and i've been praying to feel it again since then.
it's been difficult. like i said, since my identity is still a fractured mess post-cnc and post-grandma (not even my timeline; SO MUCH shifted last year, no wonder we're a mess), and i don't even have a true "name" yet in the system (i'm in the jay bloodline currently BUT everyone is wondering if i'm going to hardshift into a NEW bloodline to match this new life era), i can't exactly assert myself, or anchor into a personal overlay, or even visualize myself clearly enough to be with him for long. everything is a blur and it is shattering my soul. his, too, undoubtedly.
...he spoke to me today, at some point, with that absolute ocean-deep tone i haven't heard him use in ages. completely floored me. but it was scary to find that i couldn't properly respond. i was too numb with the identity fracture and confusion. but God knows i wanted to.
God, honestly, please, fix up my heart. purify my love. help me to love him again, to truly reciprocate what he still gives to me every single night. i'm so tired of this emptiness in my chest. this isn't right. this isn't me. lord help me to know who I am, after everything that was before. that's my prayer tonight. help me find my name, and my face, and my color, as I am needed to be now, to be THE cor(e) for this Spectrum, the heart of it, whose very function is love. please. for Your sake even more than ours, help me to be light again. help me to love again.

all right, now i'm off to work. still a shambles, but hey. at least i'm aware of that fact.
simeon's right; there's always hope. and i need to hold on to that, for all of us, because it's not just for me, and neither am i.
a core exists for their system. that's what i truly yearn for. unity, community, compassion and cooperation. love.
God let me be a true part of it again, for the first time.

Lately, I've noticed that my body image is NOTABLY & CONCERNINGLY DIFFERENT across FOUR DIFFERENT CONTEXTS: physicality, artwork, dreams, & nightmares. Starting with tangible reality, the eating disorder was tied to this desire to be THIN, SMALL, BONY, & FLAT. We basically wanted the body of a tween. Tall, skinny, & lean, bursting with pure energy. The problem was THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE post-hormones. Our body IS bigger & broader, like it or not, and we CAN'T CHANGE THAT. We cannot "erase the past" by attempting to erase the "body that was IN that past." But we tried. NOTABLY, though, we were HIGHLY DEPERSONALIZED even then. We were SO CONTROLLING of the body in the mirror, BUT I STILL NEVER REALLY SAW IT AS "ME." It was bizarre. No matter how many photos I took, they all felt so foreign. Looking back... I wonder at the irony. THAT body-- starved & lanky-- was the body WE HAD DURING TRAUMA!!! So of COURSE I STILL couldn't feel "safe" in it, as it MATCHED THAT OLD AWARENESS, like it or not. BUT we were TERRIFIED of "gaining weight"-- and getting bigger-- because ALL OF OUR "ABUSERS" HAD BEEN SHAPELY OR OVERWEIGHT WOMEN. And we NEVER wanted to see THAT in the mirror. So we were stuck. We also NEVER "DREW" OURSELF DURING THIS TIME; notably we "COULDN'T SEE OURSELF." I didn't know "WHAT I LOOK LIKE." ...weirdly, as we adjust to the new weight gain, our body SHAPE is ACTUALLY LESS SCARY?? we're not "fat," we're just getting SOLID? but there's not much I can say on that yet; our size & shape & weight are currently TOO UNSTABLE AND MUTABLE to "feel comfortable in" ...yet, God willing. Even so WE ARE DREAMING, and THAT IS BIZARRE. In MOST of my dreams, I AM a "tween"!! The family and the environment is ~2001, and my brothers are little. In anxious dreams-- flat nightmares-- Diamond & Lightning are typically ABSENT, and Jade/Viral is FULL SCHIZO. In those dreams, though, MY HAIR IS LONG??? I feel TOTALLY "BLANK" and jumbled to the point of indistinction. In TRAUMA NIGHTMARES I am always female & not a child, but I don't know HOW old or young or what "I" look like; I am an object in that context. When I wake up I feel so wrong and gutted. When Chaos Zero saves me, I still have mid-length hair, like I did as a teen. I can't remember if I've EVER had short hair in negative dreams? With ONE SLIGHT "EXCEPTION"-- last week I had a dream that referenced both Chaos Zero, and Genesis AS "SELPH," and my "appearance" KEPT SHIFTING? Mostly it was that "age 16" look; pre-terror. BUT at ONE point I was "in my apartment"? which had a patio balcony the size of a deck, and was about 4 floors up? and in a city-- like in Europe, all brown-toned "apartments" curving down cobbled streets, flowers on every windowsill. I was out on that deck, taking care of a huge vase of red flowers-- amaryllis?-- but I was naked from at least the waist up, and I had SHORT RED HAIR, and our body was BIG, like it is now. ...Except it's NOT!! When I woke up and checked the mirror, I was SHOCKED to see that we were NOWHERE NEAR THAT FAT. No "rolls," no bulges. But that's how my SUBCONSCIOUS saw it. Similarly, in another dream this week, our body was chunky-flabby again but also covered in acne, and our teeth were also crooked and yellow? It was so odd. But we had NO SENSE OF "SELF"; our presence was "flat" & hollow, totally void of personality & life. Again, when I awoke I was shocked to see mostly clear skin and no flab. So we DO experience dysmorphia. ...HOWEVER. We, shockingly, ALSO STILL HAVE DYSPHORIA. I wouldn't have realized that so undeniably IF I HADN'T HAD A CERTAIN DREAM this week... and if I hadn't tried to draw myself, too. On the 23rd, I had a dream about being on a bus & being asked about my love for Chaos Zero; I couldn't quite "feel who I was" but it was female, with a suppressed vibe, and I think the teen hair again. But we felt older; 20s maybe? Even so, we were still blurry. BUT THEN the bus went to a "museum" ABOUT CZ & I, and the INSTANT I walked in... Xenophon ran up to embrace me. And she joyfully shouted, "daddy!!" ...And my hair turned white. I shifted IMMEDIATELY and TOTALLY into that Jay-root MALE form, beard and all, and... I felt real. ...I also felt terrified. THAT WAS HOW I LOOKED INTERNALLY WHEN THE TRAUMA HAPPENED!!!!! So I SHUT DOWN. ...although apparently, I couldn't "erase it." It still RESONATES, but it's ALSO CHOKED WITH FEAR FROM SXABUSE. So it's deeply damaged. I'M damaged.
I'm starting to suspect that I CANNOT properly form/ restore/ hold a HEALTHY, HONEST self-image AND self-awareness UNTIL THE TRAUMA IS GENUINELY FACED & DEALT WITH. I've said before, a HUGE part of "me" DIED in CNC-- arguably MOST of me. It's taken YEARS to "find myself again" and all this recent revelation, alongside the PHYSICAL "recovery" process itself, has proven quite clearly that I have a LOT more "finding" to do!! I've lost things that I've FORGOTTEN I HAD, and WAS. But... apparently it's ONLY "lost," NOT "dead." So that's something. I hope to God it's a good thing. Objectively HE is the One orchestrating everything, so I need to PRAY ABOUT THIS, WITHOUT USING PRAYER AS A FORM OF DEPERSONALIZATION & DENIAL. I too quickly go into "CLEAN MIND" when I'm anxious but start praying, and THAT'S NOT REAL PRAYER!! Real prayer is TALKING TO GOD FROM WITHIN THIS PAIN. Only then do I feel "real," too. On that note, context #4 for body image is VERY much about "feeling," because it's ART! Now, when I draw something from memory or imagination, I'm NOT going by a literally visible reference; the "accuracy" is based on INTUITION. "Knowing" what is accurate or not, because it RESONATES. It CLICKS. It's like, when you look through old photographs trying to find something you "remember" but can't describe-- still, you "KNOW IT" when you see it! You RECOGNIZE the "feeling" when it BECOMES visible. ...HOWEVER. Drawing MYSELF apparently turns out VERY, VERY DIFFERENTLY, depending on whether I'm trying to draw my SELF according to INTERNAL visuals-- which I HAVEN'T done in over 5 YEARS-- and trying to draw "my SELF" but IN THIS BODY??? Like, if someone told me to "draw a self-portrait ACCORDING TO your current physical appearance, with NO REFS," that would be IMPOSSIBLE AS "JUST A PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION" because I DON'T "KNOW HOW THIS BODY LOOKS"? and I'd draw it WITHOUT A FACE. I honestly CANNOT currently identify with it as it is. ...BUT. Like I said, IF the goal is to draw ME, as I "WOULD" look IN THIS BODY... well, that's what I tried to do, purely spontaneously, on Tuesday night. And the result was SHOCKING, for TWO REASONS: first, that the "shape & size" of the body CHANGED once I actively tried to "make it LOOK LIKE THIS BODY," as opposed to my "mental template" for how I "WANTED" it to look, or that I COULD "identify" with? But after I had drawn as much as I could "according to both muscle memory & visual memory," AND glancing dimly at our body's reflection in the window for a vague "ref," I went into the restroom and checked the mirror. IT STILL DIDN'T MATCH!!! Not only was our bodyshape NOTICEABLY different, but so was our FACE, and our general "grasp" of anatomical proportion-- which is fascinating, as it's working not from a solid "education" but from MY "EXPERIENCE," so THAT is skewed according to my OWN perception of THIS body's proportions, I would assume. But yeah-- EVEN THEN, in GENUINELY & HONESTLY & COMPASSIONATELY trying to draw "me in this body," there was MARKED DYSMORPHIA... and, yes, EVIDENT DYSPHORIA. The body is ALWAYS SEEN AS SEXLESS, with a masculine bias, and feminine "edges" but a "MALE FACE." It's fascinating. It's an OBVIOUS testament to my innate "gender identity"-- trying to shove it into EITHER binary box IS INACCURATE and DOOMED TO FAIL. ...which explains a LOT about WHY I've not BEEN able to "grasp a sense of self/ see myself as a person" since BEFORE CNC, because since THEN, I've been "forcing" myself into the binary, and it just NEVER WORKS. It's DISHONEST. It CAN'T "work" because it's driven by DENIAL!! I HAVE TO ACCEPT & ADMIT THAT. It's been consistent for virtually my ENTIRE LIFE, in one way or another. And when I drew that picture, "feeling" how I "felt" I WOULD look, in this body we now had... yes, I still saw the body as MUCH heftier than it ACTUALLY is, BUT EVEN THEN IT WASN'T "SCARY" BECAUSE IT WASN'T SEXUALIZED, in EITHER binary respect!!! It was INNOCENT & UNTOUCHED, even that big. And that honestly gives me SO MUCH HOPE. Thank You God for this revelation. Please continue to lead me on. ♥

[uncensored for brutal honesty]

proverbs 9:16-18


eating disorder hell.


Allergy panic girl
Blue obligation girl
Enjoying eater girl = tied to CAKE???????
Bingeing girl (once we hit "that point") = tied to RUPTURE.
rupture's "second name" keeps feeling lke GORGE but thats sounding like a SURNAME, NOT A SECOND NAME. why is this? is that name tied to her girl instead???
cannot even theorize rupture's second name because we do't know enough about her function and/or heart host TO guess.

tobiko hasn't been out in a while?
someone ELSE keeps purging, "we're going to die why cant we stop" mindset
tobiko would panic "get the poison out" then became dpressed and QUIT??? IS HER ANCHOR CHANGING LIKE RAZORS???
but this current purge person basically BLACKS OUT in the process. existing before nd after, not during.
too much fear and trauma to have tobiko front for that anymore???

WHERE IS SPICE WHEN THIS ALL HAPPENS?????


WHO IS TIED TO THAT BIG TAURUS DAEMON???
someone definitely is. but i think that soeone is still vague. i KNOW they were out but we can't even get thier fronting data (this is simeon, hi!)

Chocoloco still tied to angry "jess" BUT he was yelling at the latter nousfoni? the one eating the chocolate candy.
did they even like it????

THERE'S A BROWN MANIC WHO ONLY FRONTS TO LOOK FOR UPPERS????
"we need to stay awake, we need to have coffee and/or chocolate!!!!" 
BUT CHOCOLOCO ISN'T FROM HER. THAT'S SURPRISING.
WHY IS THIS?
(her heart can't hold a daemon??? choco tied to the global concept??? feel this out)

IS THIS THE SAME NOUSFONI WHO KEEPS DRINKING ALCOHOL OR ARE THERE TWO OF THEM???

there's someone ANGRY who comes out when we try to read corrective or self-knowledge stuff???
girl. close to angry jess root but not her. muddy brown, feels washed out. angry at me/us fr typing this but wont stop us? just a low flat disdainful anger.
the boy from yesterday (zodiac rage) has an edge to his anger. he'll yell about it. this girl wont. like a heavy dead weight anger, no action. just shutdown.
why? what are her roots?
her response think "don't think about that" nose wrinkle and try to BLACK IT OUT. like covering eyes. total shut off! scary.
why does she do that? doesn't she want to learn
she cannot front if someone else is strongly fronting? only if in vague pseudosocial mode? like readig.
need a name for THAT state of mind. different from upstairs AND downstairs. sort of an inbetween.
headspace level parallel???
anyway we have to find someone who LIKES reading that stuff so they can OVERPOWER that, for lack of a better term. (who am i, they're thinking i'm the "bleaching optimistic" one, that stings but i think its true.)
also, whoever this good-reading person might be, they CANNOT be hyperreligious, that only compounds the problem. religious voices need to be dealt with very carefully as they bring an entire other level of tangled motives into the picture and we cannot untangle both at once with this, not safely.



Juniper = job is to SAY NO. NO MATTER WHAT.
CHAOS out helping Juniper. Lots of love there actually. they remember the last time.
someone called her out!!!! who?

Mirror realization, called JESSICA out??? LEGIT DEADNAME CORE. A GOOD PERSON!!!!!!!!!
Someone else before her, recognizing the heart of all this is THE DESTROYER

ALL MIRROR PEOPLE ARE STRONGLY AWARE OF THE SYSTEM AND HAVE TOTAL POWERFUL INTEGRITY. "TAKE NO SHIT" BUT DEEPLY COMPASSIONATE. (reminds us of triple a little???)
jamie is pure motivation, but real about it
this girl is "tell it like it is" and determined to spread awareness so things change. not violent.
triple is NOT a mirror person, 
her vibe is blurring hard even pinging her writing this??? with two other people? FEEL THIS OUT
TRIPLE DOESN'T THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE AS DIRECTLY AS MIRROR VOICES DO.
triple "says what no one else will admit" and she's ANGRY about it. but only comes out actuvely, in response TO a hiding of something that HURTS.
(^THAT NAME ISN'T FITTING HER WELL??)

- much later, mirror girl taking us to bathroom to get dressed and SPICE came up alongside her; they are SUPER SIMILAR almost like sisters??? but unmistakably different even so.
someone else fronting with them too? talking TO mirror, worried. NOT "THROUGH" it like an actual mirror nousfoni would!!


Jessica called LAURIE while drying dishes. Told her EVERYTHING.
laurie sobbing in rage about this. then SHOUTING for tiger lily. looking for a "social protector"
GOT HER OUT BRIEFLY but she couldnt stay???
where is the cerise protector??
(she says "i'm here" but she's still mostly faceless and totally nameless. says she's figuring out what her new role is, now that we're not in a trauma environment)
Laurie took the garbage bags out
SOMEONE HYPERRELIGIOUS came out by the tree briefly, condemning? i think a jay stepped in briefly to tell them not to be so caustic before laurie came back.
laurie asking who even wanted the food? like the ham, and the pie, who liked it? got NO RESPONSE. Actual disgust, cringing at thought of food. the response was DISLIKE!!
Realizing the people responsible for the actual eating have SMOTHERED CONSCIENCES. the idea of someone else "owning" a food item causes a "blind response" in them. they CANT fathom it for their function. the thought when eating the trail mix, "this belongs to mason, this isn't yours," caused them to mentally BLACK OUT because they cant comprehend/tolerate the guilt response? or CANT STOP? like if they admitted that theyd have to stop eating, and they cant for some reason????? their function is TO eat so it'd be denying Why they're out???? FIGURE THIS OUT. i dont even think they Want the food, it feels like a total compulsion. programming. they're vaguely Aware of guilt and shame but don't quite Feel it. everything distant, conceptualized. even while they eat. sort of "clear muffle" over everything, like two feet of gel or plastic. WEIRD AND FOREBODING. 
wreckage coming out on the way back in from outside, hearing people arguing in another apartment. she and laurie briefly cofronting almost, slight level difference. but close, next to each other. rubbing elbows almost. wordless close recognizion of each other. "i'm here for you"
back inside, laurie wanting to tell mason and ollie everything about this problem. fess up, admit helpless angry scared frustration, inability to stop or control ourself. terrified at this, but NEED to admit it to prevent it in the future. considering going to mcdonalds or ihop all night when the arrows work, to flat-out prevent any and all such behavior. wanting this in any case, i think the isolation is Causing a lot of this trouble? messes BAD with our perception of reality. can't fathom anyone or anything BUT the current social person existing. (THIS NEEDS TO BE LOOKED AT AND WRITTEN ABOUT.)
at computer, laurie having unexpected feelings towards kris' picture on the lamp? she's fiercely fond of him. deep camaraderie bond, but also a sort of burning platonic love. like a weapon heated glowing hot. knuckles white clenched holding it to defend someone. very devoted.

WEIRDLY, THE SLIGHTEST VARIATIONS ON THE DEADNAME CALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE OUT.
the full deadname is tied to THIS girl, the good one.
SEEING IT IN TEXT CALLS OUT SOMEONE DIFFERENT????
context appears to be HUGE for this



briar out RIGHT NOW feeling panic at tasting food in our mouth? scared as shit.
good. more of us need to ACTIVELY FUCKING REALIZE what this is doing to our godforsaken body.
- someone ELSE triggered by smell of food on hands. briar ALONGSIDE them. neither aware of each other???? (!!!)

jewel says GO BRUSH OUR TEETH so we can relax!!
jessica agrees, go get it done so we can actually get back to living!
(jess is OLDER than jewel! maybe 15, 16? not 17. DOESN'T KNOW QLOK. might not even BE tied to school?????? possible for nousfoni to be older but NOT HAVE MEMORIES OF LIFE DURING THAT AGE IN THE BODY. e.g. a "16 year old" nousfoni not knowing anything about what happened when we were in high school. or an 18 year old nousfoni not knowing anything about holding a job.)

someone wanting to eat vitamins and melatonin gummies, not out of hunger, but out of panicked compulsion.
THE BLUE GIRL?
laurie yelling at them for this. that person DOESNT QUITE FRONT? just comes in "sideways halfway" and has the body do things, SO THEY DONT FEEL THE EFFECTS OR CONSEQUENCES!!!!
the one who eats is NOT HER.

now, someone JUST came out TO eat the vitamins, scared and nervous but they WANTED THEM. happy to eat them actually. feels brown? long hair. wanting to eat more but not really understanding concept of "food?" 
feelng like THEIR daemon might be that big taurus thing. 
cake's girl is younger, not nervous. not rebellious.
rupture's girl only comes out with the intent to binge and purge.

weirdly, that vitamin-eater person (those two? blue and brown: concept and carry-out) are more concerned with eating MEDICINE than food???? always looking for vitamins, pills, mints, etc. health panic obsessed. subtype of lotophagoi???

(Is Hoban still around? her vibe was always vague, she was kind of defined secondhand. feel her out and see if her anchor is split or wrong or if she's fading or splitting herself.)


Another huge thought:
So many of us are HUGELY CONTEXT-LOCKED.
We noticed this today, wondering why the heck NO ONE gets triggered out in the kitchen anymore? Why it's so hard to find Jason and Juniper and Taureia and anyone? 
It's because the ENVIRONMENT CHANGED.
The fairy lights don't trigger anyone. The stove light DOES. It's a trauma flashbacker. So are those little string lights over the stove, due to past association. And, total darkness triggers out a totally different bunch!
Similarly, sitting at the table to eat triggers out certain people, whereas eating in the kitchen triggers out others, and eating on the floor triggers out still others. The couch is by FAR the safest place, and the kitchen itself is utter terror by default. No eating in there ever, please-- ideally, at least, because we tend to stress-blackout in there and then trauma loops happen. That is the most terrible part of PTSD and we need to plan for it better.
We are SO HYPERSPECIFIC this is not surprising but we still somehow completely missed it.
MAKE A LIST OF THIS STUFF so we can use it to our healing advantage!!!



ORANGE IS CORRUPTED
laurie asking for data on bathroom convo, lynne snidely saying she "should know"; laurie turned and called her out on this, she BLUESCREENED???? froze. everything stuck for a second then laurie got warped to GRAYSPACE???? lynne there, floaty, disoriented? said that wasn't her, she wasn't angry. asked what was going on.
corrupted orange is ANGRY. feeling of jovial dude in a bar who suddenly snaps. fiery, but energetic. NOT the apocalyptic burn of red anger. orange has motion behind it, and voice. red is quiet and violent. orange is angry and pushy? energized? can't find a word. armed? no, that's vermilion. orange isn't a "life threatening fear" response. it's more of a panic scare. the closer you get to yellow, the tighter the nerves get. yellow anger is shrieking screaming wildcat anger. someone "yell"-ing at you, all electric sharp. but no attacking! yellow anger might shove or slap you but that's all. orange anger will push you around, all heavy weight but animated. vermilion anger will throw a punch, a hard blow and colder fire behind it, not much talk. red anger will wordlessly bury a knife in your chest on a dime. WAIT. NO. THAT'S BLOOD. it's darker!! RED anger, javier's color, is INTEGROUS. dude that shows that there are "benevolent and malevolent" sides of color angers! corrupted Red anger is... nothing. there's nothing. if it's pure Red, it's PURE. it;s angry because it SHOULD be. it demands you clean up your act, and tells you how. it feels like a city skyline, like an activist. it knows what it's talking about. active and informed. dark red, blood anger... that ISNT INHERENTLY CORRUPT. that's the sort of anger that will call you out on what you did wrong, but in a pointed way. it stabs right to the heart of the issue. but it won't attack you. no good anger will. gosh this is SO IMPORTANT.
so. corrupted orange is arrogant but not proud? no, not arrogant. corrupted YELLOW is more like that? actually, corrupted AMBER is haughty and proud. like a lion. puffed up, like a prince. amber is a luxurious color so it makes sense. yellow is brighter, the brightest, so corrupted yellow is less warm and more sharp? conceited? but not acrid, that's chartreuse. acid is green hued. yellow is manic almost? condemning? high strung. 
anyhow. orange. corrupted orange is the "i'm being a nice guy!" but he's really being threatening. that's orange. could easily lean vermilion, but orange is less malevolent. not as dark. orange is closer to the self-absorption of amber, but it's still directed outwards. orange is healthily sociable, so corrupted orange takes that and twists it? it's hard to put into words. but yeah. lynne, when damaged by it, gets a very biting sense of bad humor, gets rather "smart"? ALWAYS making jokes at the expense of others. that's the main thing. humor as a mask for straight-up trash talk.


we TRIED to ping Karissa when at the mirror and we got NOTHING. that was scary for a second. HOWEVER! then we realized that we were pinging the WRONG LEVEL???? APPARENTLY THIS IS A THING?
we had to ping her in a VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT. midspace = dreamspace analogous i think. karissa is NOT PINGABLE UPSTAIRS. but imagine the old pennsylvania bedroom, and she is IMMEDIATELY there and fiercely alive.
karissa is a DOWNSTAIRS PROTECTOR, fighting off the weirdest threat we could have imagined-- ghosters. as in, childhood psychosis attackers. legit seeing demons and devils in the room, "sensing" evil, etc. we still get that when we're really unstable. like when we redid that bedroom to put up that desk, which is what triggered her birth in the first place. so she exists for that. 
and that is a VITALLY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFO: there are MANY nousfoni in this system with hyperspecific but vital jobs that don't happen often, and so they run a risk of DYING if they don't get to live, so to speak. THEREFORE WE HAVE TO UTILIZE "HOLOSPACE" AND/OR DREAMSPACE TO LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS ON THE INSIDE, if outside instigation of those jobs would be lethal or otherwise majorly harmful. like tonight. however sometimes that's required. we couldn't possibly imagine or emulate this night inside. but it had to happen. it's too organic. life is too organic. but yeah, sometimes we Can do the inside boost and when we can we NEED TO. so keep a note of that.
in any case, this would bolster the inter-level communication we are desperately working towards. socials who have no comprehension of "inside," or even the ability to comprehend it, could LEARN it by being brought into emulated "outside situations" that are really happening inside, and then eased out of it OR letting inside folks enter those spaces to meet them. THAT'S HOW WE USED TO WORK AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WE STOPPED? maybe just daily life terror overload, forcing us to stay in survival/ social mode more often. but hey, that's the stuff we're fixing now that we're safe!
but it has to surface first. only then can you remove it. it's scary, of course, but what's even scarier is letting that shit go unseen and rotting on the inside. it's like cancer. 

...
our body is actually hungry again and we hate this because we have no appetite. the thought of eating makes us nauseous. we have no desire to do so, at all. especially not at this hour.
OH i forgot to mention earlier. with big dinner triggers and the destroyer.
certain foods are SUCH TRAUMA TRIGGERS that the destroyer exists to GET RID OF THEM. it's awful but it is true. we Want to be able to leave them untouched, because they're NOT OURS, but that very concept is still alien to our brain. god knows why. our poor brain sees a trigger food and thinks immediately "i must get rid of it" because it's that shaken up by seeing it. immediate flashbacks, immediate sensory rewind. time lapses, time slides. it's horrible that something as ridiculously simple as a canned item can knock you totally off kilter and into abused-kid mentality. 
there's a lot tangled up in that, especially methods-- some kids destroy food outright, some throw it out, some eat it, some eat and purge, etc. all of them acting those ways based on the situations they had to survive in previously. all of them desperately scared and lost and confused and not know where or when they are, let alone what the hell they're doing. they all dissociate so hard because they're so scared. but they're reachable, now. they're opening up and realizing that, now. they're healing and being brave and trying and feeling even if they're fucking terrified. not so in september, good god now THAT was hell. lord. but that's over, forever. a lapse is just a stumble, due to overwhelm. it happens, mental illness is hellish in and of itself. but we get back up and keep walking. a slip isn't a rewind. we're here now, with our progress and understanding under our belt, and we use that to leap forwards even farther when we're pulled back.
nights like this are slingshots. 
but yeah. we feel awful, AWFUL, because trigger foods are cheap! starving kids eat on pennies and go to food drives and when you're Still grappling with finances that stuff ends up back in the apartment and then you don't know what fucking year it is or what state you're in or what your name is or whether or not you're going to die, metaphorically only i hope! it fucking SUCKS because these beloved kids that we love so damn much it HURTS eat and enjoy these foods no problem, and God we WANT to just let them LIVE, let them be free and untraumatized, but god we're so damned fucking hurt that we struggle. we hate it. we feel like such a burden. we ARE a burden. that's the truth, with this. we're a difficulty, a monkey wrench, an unexpected trial. a frustration. and it's true. and it's unfair to them. and we're sorry. but we can't apologize and keep fucking the hell up. we need to try a hell of a lot fucking harder.
we KNOW that shit makes us sick so WHY do we still et that shit???
because that knowledge doesn't register for them. their minds are so damaged, we still haven't fully felt out Why they can't comprehend that sort of self-care data.
...maybe that's why. maybe self-care is alien to someone who lives in a trauma flashback.
...maybe.

but yeah. i want to list the trigger foods but someone says "no, don't clutter up this entry" and she's brown and angry? not choco's jess, maybe the "don't read" one from before? she's way up, almost floating voice space? but she's all about "social performance" and approval, and "clogging up this entry" is judged by her to be "inappropriate" somehow? like "it's not proper" but THAT pings someone ELSE. someone religious feeling? fears of not being totally nice and proper and a "good girl." maybe tilly. hm!
but no i think we should list them or we will forget to. i know it's scary but we have to! we'll do it together ok

- canned beans. all we had to eat for a while in pa. make our stomach so so sick. also heavy weight food, immediate trauma flashback trigger. yes heavy foods feel like the rape triggers. can i say that? "julie days." but that's unfair she didn't do it. she says she wasn't herself once. oh ok. i'm sorry julie. she says it's ok, it's the truth. so no beans
- canned food in general. again, that's ALL we had at the house most days, in pennsylvania. just shelves full of old expired rusty banged-up cans. the same things over and over and over, day after day, eaten at night under buzzing yellow lights, or hidden in the cellar. every one of those foods is a trigger:
canned corn, canned soup, spaghettios, ravioli, cranberry sauce, canned carrots (taste is a HUGE trigger), etc.
there are also BAD MEMORIES tied to ALL of those which we cannot look at rght now we start shaking. they're triggering young kids like me!! we don't know them though? are they new? are they all new? no they're old. we've just never seen them before. they've been asleep for a long time because no one's woken them up. but we just did! we looke for them and they're awake now. and they're probably really scared and don't know where they are but we'll protect them. we can be their friends. we'll keep them safe now. 
but the immediate fear is exactly what we're typing about. "how can we be safe now if those unsafe things are STILL THERE." no differentiation between thing and associated event. they are one and the same to a trauma survivor. at least, to us. to those hurt nousfoni, scared and shaking, the very sight of a can of soup throws them right back into the situation they wanted to die to get out of. their brain was shaken to the core and it keeps getting yanked back. so we struggle.
it's not fair. we wonder, daily, if we should find somewhere else to go, if we should leave, but we DONT WANT TO. we love it here, we love the people, we want to STAY, we want to heal so we CAN stay. our feelings of "we don't belong" and "maybe we should just go" are NOT OUR REAL MOTIVES. they are the "safe, acceptable" way of saying "i am so fucking sorry we are making your lives difficult; we are drowning in love-rooted guilt and regret and we don't want to hurt you anymore, but we don't know how to stop yet. we're still healing. but we cannot put you through this messy process anymore. THAT is making us feel like we don't belong-- we are disturbing the peace, we aren't fitting in with you both yet, into that harmony. our own actions are alienating us, our own shame and guilt are isolating us. THAT is what doesn't belong but right now we are identifying with it, for better or for worse, from how horribly strong it is. and we don't want to leave, we love you so much, but again we feel so DIRTY and disgusting and (there's axis) foolish and embarrassing, that we feel so unworthy TO stay. we're afraid of hurting you, of you beginning to hate us or be frustrated with our presence, we are so scared of you both expecting the worst of us. so we would rather leave than see these relationships rot by our hand. by our fungal touch.
axis just GLARED at me for that i have never seen him angry i'm sorry.
his reply isn't translating well
effectively: "don't be sorry" in the "you're not being blamed or condemned" sense. the strong powerful insistence of "you will not rot anything by touch. fungus is life out of death" and "rot is decomposition" with a spindly mushroomed finger pointing at this absolute artistically tangled web of data, of feeling, "decomposition is breaking down into simpler things," into essential elements, "if anything rots it is simply beginning again from a simpler state" or something? taphos. taphonomy. "decomposition begins at the moment of death." heart-deep feelings about this topic. if it's not working, why not let it die? if it is a fatal illness, a fatal wound, a mortal injury, why not let it fall embraced (back) into the arms of death? why not let death breathe life into it again? god okay that's what we're doing. chocoloco's girl is responding to this??? not as her heart, no. but as a sister to the other one. where is chocoloco. what do you have to say
"decay is not my topic" he says. "it is his. let him speak"
what is your topic though
sorry 
axis keep talking.
a slight smile, smirk, "what more do you need me to say?"
anything everything anything you want
"i want you to feel what i said and what you know it means" "tell me"
what you meant
"what your heart heard."
well
if we're bungling up this relationship (allegedly) with our mistakes, with-- oh
with our own process of decay
the nigredo
THAT'S infi
that's even more important
what am i doing with the spacebar i'm sorry
hey i don't have a name yet
hey i'm not simeon! i'm a girl, no, i use she pronouns, maybe?
i'm not a boy. leaning the other direction
sorry slipping bye
no not yet he says
finish.
okay.
if we are afraid of rotting this relatioship by touching it we are projecting the wrong sentinemt onto our fear. if it rots it means that it died which means that it had reached a point where it could not continue healthily. so death is merciful and progressive and otivated by hope, by love and hope. now it decays, now it rots back into the world, now it feeds the insects (what about our insects what about them) i'm thinking too much
simple he says, simple. what is the essence of it
if it dies it was unhealthy. if it rots then 
rot it just the process of recycling
a dead body, a dead thing feeds other alive things, feeds new things
a dead thing will seem to stop life around it for a bit but in time it will bloom greater than ever
in short, 
we're not going to kill anything
fungus is good
he smiled at me.
and? 
IS it rotting?
how can i tell.
look, he says. 
but there's more to that "look"
he means,
there's always rot. there's always death. it means things are growing. it means things are changing. it means what doesn't work anymore is passing away and reworking itself into other things that do.
am i thinking too much
you're trying too hard to encapsulate it in language, he says. speak simply, speak from your heart. you will not rot in whole unless it stops beating. and it will not. he says.
tiny deaths happen all the time. fungus grows on your bones. but you are alive, we are alive, i am alive
i am sorry i hurt people
then let it rot, he says. let it rot.


where were we oh my goodness
trigger foods! a list.
NOW the rabbit speaks up
"chocolate" he says, and points ominously, authoritatively. not menacing, just gravity
"write it down."

- chocolate. in all its forms? (look at the data. yes.) oldest trigger food in the book. tied to sexual trauma, femininity fears, bad memories, massive health scares and pain. but touted constantly as a "comfort food," as an aphrodisiac, as something sacred, as a celebratory food, as a staple part of christmas and easter and valentines day. it was something we could not ever avoid, something added to things to make them more palatable, more enjoyable, but we couldn't eat it. it was everywhere, stores dedicated to it, grand gestures surrounded by it, given as gifts, expected to be received. people react with shock when you say you don't like chocolate. alienation, bizarrely. but it happens. it has. it does. we feel guilty, rejected, isolated, unwanted, unloved, all over again. "chocolate brings people together" just like awful family dinners and shit (please don't swear) (sorry i'm just angry too and hurting) but yes chocolate is something we could not have safely. no. we tried so many times. we love it as it is. but our body cannot have it. we love it but we don't like it? is that true or possible?
YOU DON'T LIKE THE TASTE, he says. SOMEONE DOES. 
a pause, a breakdown of coherence upstairs
THIS TOPIC IS TOO TANGLED, he says, looking up. IT WILL HAVE TO BE UNTANGLED BEFORE IT CAN BE DISCUSSED. I AM BEING SILENCED, WHICH MEANS THERE IS GREAT FEAR HERE. GOOD. THAT IS A SIGNPOST FOR GREAT (???) (translating as growth, realization, progress, understanding, etc. good things. all from fear? i guess that's what daemons are/ are for/ are about/ are from)

other trigger foods
- WHITE FLOUR and all that goes with it. cake,
(what about her?????? no one has EVER thought about her i wonder if we can learn more about her now with what happened tonight? i hope so)
NOT NOW. SHE IS TOO IMPORTANT TO TREAT (flippantly/ nonchalantly/ casually/ in passing/ without enough attention/ as a study topic and not a person/ lightly). ALL OF US ARE. ALL OF YOU ARE. FOCUS.
white bread, crackers, cookies, etc. again, a staple food. something we were forced to eat a lot. something given as gifts, again. birthday and wedding cakes. christmas and easter cookies. sandwiches. party foods. god you SEE why this is a struggle for us??? our body CANNOT DO THESE THINGS WITHOUT GETTING SICK
is it because of the trauma or did it result from the trauma?
which came first, the chicken or the egg
god only knows.
don't worry about that right now we're tired. we can't give it enough attention right now. make the list

- dairy products. HUGE femininity fear trigger. sexual. makes us feel super dirty, infantile. infantilization is one of the biggest sexual trauma triggers possible. we've never written about that. add it to the list
also we are lactose intolerant so we absolutely cannot have it anyway our stomach CANNOT digest it that is a PHYSIOLOGICAL FACT.

- canned tuna. WARM especially. very thought makes us shake, want to vomit.
- NOODLES. sexual fear + trauma memories + trypophobia remnants
- HOT DOGS, especially with beans. MASSIVE immediate screaming runaway trauma response
- red sauce. realized at upmc big time. always was tough-- our stomach Hates tomato sauce, it causes SEVERE PAIN but when in treatment we realized it was also a BIG TRAUMA TRIGGER. iscah could do it, she didn't know. didn't experience. but her beloved jessie knew. and those of Us who experienced similar things also knew. and we had that suddenly revealed, something we were hiding from, running from, so now it is a double danger
- lunchmeat. family terror, blackout response, leave it at that
- nut butters
- klondike bars
- energy bars in general, esp. oily ones. AND GRANOLA. BAD BAD BAD and FRIGHTENING. please don't eat it
- grains in general, cooked ones, especially OATS and QUINOA. sad because oats are also ALLEGEDLY a good memory food, but no. only a hoped association. they are primarily tied to VERY VERY TRAUMATIC INCIDENTS and also salt lake city so please pleaseplease do not eat them. someone really really wants them though, but when they try the terror is immediate and choking. not safe yet i'm sorry. maybe get iscah to help, she ate it all the time at upmc. we'll see we'll figure that out later
- CEREAL. the original trigger food. aftertaste is literal hell. flashbacks and panic for as long as it lasts. cereal is 1000% NEVER BUY and we are so so fucking sorry we're scared of having it in the house. 
god we are so goddamned broken
wht do we do?
TELL THEM. WORK WITH THEM. KEEP YOURSELF SAFE. BUT RESPECT THEM TOO.

they're saying it's super late? super early?
6:20 am oh!! the arrows will be home soon!
good i want tomeet them!
i don't know if we know how yet? we only ever type.
but we can figure out how!!
ok! we'll ask infi to show us how.


this is the autopilot. i am smiling. i think i have more of a soul than i ever thought, still.
i feel like the toy soldier, perhaps.
i must thank javier. thank you.

closing this up

all of you are very brave and i am proud of you
i may not feel that but i know it is true.

sleep well today. take care of us. we love you. we love each other


this is proof

(a.p.)

 

 

 

 

guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh no." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "f*** you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

 

 

 

 

Oh dude INFORMATION HIGHWAY.

I am in a very good mood right now, despite feeling slightly physically ill (as usual), not having fallen asleep until after 1 last night, and having spent my whole morning on my laptop, doing research. Really. I'm supposed to be typing but I got carried away with reading again!
Regardless, I'm thankful for it all, because in a lovely string of coincidences, I have learned a LOT in the past 24 hours.
I was up until after 1 listening to a radio program that touched on both the multiverse and religion, and the views that were presented synced almost flawlessly with mine. In fact, the only snag was the statement that the body and soul are two parts of a whole, which I have previously rejected due to having such severe body dysphoria, and identifying as a sort of polymorph. But then, in thinking about it, I realized that the body is simply a vehicle. It is NOT me, it is simply something I must use to get around in physical reality. So I can get behind that.
Then today, when going through my Tumblr feed and daily update checks, I stumbled across a link chain that eventually led me to a wonderfully in-depth discussion of 'multiple systems.'
What is a multiple system? It is, quite simply, a situation in which more than one individual inhabits one body.
WE FINALLY HAVE A TERM FOR THIS. YESSS.
Seriously, I've been going mad trying to figure out what my headvoice situation really qualifies as. It's not DID/MPD, not as far as we can tell, and then we have my splintering problem, all my 'children,' and tons of soulbonds... well, geez, I found terms for all of that too.
So, my headvoices and I got together and started a Tumblr solely for discussing all this stuff, as we've been dealing with it alone for so many years. We'll be posting updates soon. Also, we decided that we're going to try and get Josephina and Leon back into the loop as much as possible, as they've both been rather detached from current events for their own reasons. But we're all willing to work together and do this. I'm really excited.
Lastly, I also found out that I am what is called a "gateway system," which is 'a system in which the people (the individuals besides me, the host) live in another world or dimension and use the physical body to interact with the earth world.' Now that is different from what I have with the central 6 (we're a simple multiple system)! I don't think I've ever told anyone online before, but back when I was younger, some Jewel Monsters would frequently ask to 'act through me' in order to interact with the physical world. Really! I remember one time Vezerai decided to drive while I was in a mall, but he hadn't asked beforehand, and I don't think he was really aware of where I was (he was still very unstable at the time). He only used my form as a gateway for about 20 seconds, but I will NEVER forget that.
I will tell you why. See, I don't 'black out' when other individuals drive. I never have. Instead, my consciousness sort of 'merges' with theirs in an awareness sense. They're the one in control, it's just like I lose my typical 'self' and theirs takes over for a time. I don't become them, but I am not separate from them either. It's hard to explain. But, that happens with both my headvoices and anyone who uses me as a gateway. So when Vez channeled over that one day, I was aware of his consciousness as if I were him, and it was incredible. After that it became so much easier to write for him because I suddenly understood how he was, I guess. I hope I'm making sense!
But I never knew there was a term for that! Wow. I'm really so excited about finding this information.
So I've been finding an incredible amount of answers lately, all over the place.
I'd write more about the fine details there, but I really just wanted to get the gist of all this down.

Oh, but I should also mention. I haven't had any Xanga sessions in a while because they have become incredibly draining for me. I think it's because I try to bring too many people into one session, and since Laurie wanted ALL of our central to talk in our next followup, I'm kind of hesitant because that is really difficult to do! So I'll have to discuss that with her.
Chaos and I are doing fine, too. I spoke to him for a little while last night and it was amazing. I'm just so incredibly happy that I have him in my life. It was pretty amazing, and beautiful too, because I was talking to him during commercial breaks while listening to that radio show last night... and in one segment, after I had had a really honest conversation with him, the guy on the radio show said something like "love transcends all boundaries, even those of reality." And it just shone for me. I was so happy.
About that reality thing though. You know how I call my 'characters,' i.e. the individuals whose stories I tell in an artistic/literary manner, my 'children?' Well, I really need a better term. They aren't my biological children, and although I do have a creator drive, I've never felt like a 'mother.' I always fit the 'father' role. So, I'm actually acting more as a protector and guardian than a parent. And that makes so much more sense to me, it's great. I mean, Preludove has been one of my best friends for over a decade, and she's never felt like a 'child' to me. She's more like a sister! And there are so many individuals who I would never call 'children' in the parental sense, no matter how much I love them, because it just doesn't fit at all. So I'll try to come up with a better term soon.

I've also been thinking about Natalie an awful lot.
My body dysphoria is really, really bad. It gets worse all the time, even though I'm at peace with myself. It's just so frightening to catch a glance of this body in a mirror and not know what it is. And then I understand that it's how people view me, how people view all of us in here, and that's such a scary thought! Not one of us identifies with this form. Lynne is probably the only one of us who could drive without having a breakdown on some level, and she doesn't have driving rights solely because we're afraid of Julie using her through that. It's sad. I mean, that's why Leon's so terrified of even trying to drive. His dysphoria is as severe as mine! I don't ever want to hurt him by making him front in this form. So he'll sadly have to wait until I hopefully start transitioning this fall. I just wish he felt safer in here. I feel really bad.
But remember how Natalie was first personified? I used to talk to my reflection as a separate individual, as something completely alien and different from us in the body it was reflecting. But as my dysphoria got worse, I couldn't even look at my reflection as I was too aware of what it was in reality.
But I want Natalie back. I won't lie. Watching her die was so painful for all of us, and we all miss her. She was our little sister, we all protected her so dearly. How could she be reborn, though? Leon was resurrected because my risk-taking/ gambling instinct became positive and incredibly strong during December, and it was enough for him to come back.
Yet, what was Natalie, really? She was born from my reflection, sure, but would changing this body to make my reflection so much less traumatic bring her back? Would she become Nathaniel this time, as we wondered? Was she ever really a reflection in the first place?
We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me. But I'm beginning to understand, and I will discuss that whenever we have another Xanga. I'm getting off topic though.
I know where Laurie, Lynne, Josephina and Leon came from. Spine I'm not too sure of yet, but she's been around for a long time. And heck, now we're even theorizing that Laurie was originally a walk-in of some sort, because Jessica held more self-hatred than she ever did, and although Laurie did hate me originally, her goal was to better me and keep me from becoming Julie, not to destroy me outright! I met her in a DREAM and had to FIND her afterwards before she decided to become part of our system! Everyone else just showed up inside it! So it's interesting. It's just bugging me because she DOES act as a trauma sponge for me, but was she born as one within this mindscape? Or was she born as one somewhere else, and was meant to help me? Because I can't ever forget that dream debut. Those are too significant to overlook, considering who else I've met through dreams. It was just so odd, because she ALSO spoke to me through my reflection, and pretended to be me, although she was lying about that in a direct sense. Man there's too much to think about right now.
And that's why I'm wondering about Natalie. I don't know where she's from. Did I simply create an environment in which she could form? If so, how could we replicate that? And I'm kind of afraid, because now that I've embraced my creator role, I don't want to somehow cause the personification of an entity that matches this body, because that would cause SO much havoc you have no idea. Natalie may have been born from my reflection but she didn't look like me.
...Hey. There's a thought. What if Natalie and Lynne were CONNECTED? I mean, not only did I (unfortunately) integrate them at the same time, but they were reborn at the same time, and after Natalie died Lynne became very unstable. Geez, how did I never see this before? Lynne was the only really 'adult' headvoice when she formed, and Natalie seemed younger than we did... and when she was reborn, she became a child. They were both the only females, too! So if Lynne was born from an impossible future, Natalie was probably born from my present or past...
Wow. Now I need to think about this. I haven't rejected my past, and can't, because it was me at the time, even if I'm not that person now. So how the heck did Natalie personify from it, assuming she truly did? Was I really that lost during high school that I HAD rejected it somehow? Or was she born from my CURRENT situation at the time, where I was being forced into a female societal mold and couldn't cope? So maybe she was born to fit it? I don't know.
This is getting pretty twisted. I'll have to discuss this with Laurie and then fill you all in. Don't quote me on anything here.
Heck, I'll just post a link to this entry as a refresher because that had some important stuff in it. We'll have to follow up on that one next.

I'm writing too much too, haha! It's already 5:30 and I should be cataloguing the original draft of Dream World. It's really helping me get stuff into a coherent system, so that I can continue writing the correct version now. Don't forget I first started typing it when I was 10! I just haven't been stable or aware enough to fix it until now. So, I have a lot of work to do, and I'm very excited and happy about it.
Agh but there is SO MUCH I have to do so I'm out of here for now.
Peace and love to all of you invisible readers!