the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

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Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

 

Morning shopping WITH DAD!!! 💙🤍💙🤍💙
Three hours and it flew by. It was a genuine joy.
Also we got THREE PAIRS OF ACTUAL SHOES SON!!!
In any case I was so happy just to be with dad.
He's suffering SO MUCH PAIN, though, from medication-induced inflammation. Pray for him. Sacrifice too, remember you CAN do that!!

REFLECTION DIDN'T MATCH but it IS RECOGNIZABLE??? It's the EARRINGS!!! Somebody is ANCHORED TO THOSE, someone Core-adjacent, but FEMALE and DISTURBINGLY VAIN.
...
Social mode fallout destroying our ability to be conscious at ALL. Fasting is exacerbating it. Gotta eat sonny boy!!

Listening to Beegie Adair's Christmas music because IT'S TIME.
Honestly in heartaching tears though. The year we discovered this music, and looped it all season, was RIGHT AFTER we escaped CNC, and that was grandma's year. It was before she got sick and before we went dormant. This music sounds like her, like those last dying embers of hope we had for a healed future, before everything hit the bricks and the next 4 years disappeared.
Nevertheless, we feel actual emotion from this. That's so important. Thank You God, even for the hurt, even especially so. It means a great deal, in so many ways.
But only the System can feel the truth of it. Only the System can feel the depths of love. Not we typist foni, especially not we on phones and media. But we know you can. So please do, soon.

Knife being distracted by blood during prayer, because its IN the prayer. He has this uniquely numinous understanding of it. But it still feels wrong? Too intimate, too consumptive? He was in tears, distressed. He doesn't want to be a "vampire" anymore in any case-- there's too much difference between him and the cultural myth. He doesn't want to be corrupted or to scandalize anyone.
He may end up with ALL sharp teeth like his sister, and Sugar & Spice for the record. Albuskinned foni tend to have sharkmouths, haha.


2PM BK, to be expected.
Mild allergic reaction to the CARROTS???? We feared this actually, because we do get random hives & dyspnea & sharp stomach pain when we eat AND that one kitchen foni is TERRIFIED of green carrot ends... and apparently, as we ONLY learned YESTERDAY, carrots are cross-reactive with CELERY AND PARSLEY. We have allergies to BOTH. So it may all indeed be related.
So... just like with our past dietary staples, God may be telling us, "it's time to change." We don't know what to change TO-- there aren't many options left-- but God does. Surrender to Him, pray for guidance & patience & courage & trust. He isn't trying to starve you or malnourish you. You can rest in that. Whatever you truly need, He will provide you, and lead you to obtain. Don't be afraid to let go and move forwards. We've been through massive dietary upheavals before; if this one means we'll be finally free of even just the hives & breathing trouble, then bring it on, Lord.

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System relevance in our inbox =
"Violet is the liturgical color that symbolizes penance, sacrifice, and prayer, and as such, it characterizes both Advent and Lent. Moreover, during Advent, we meditate particularly on the coming of our King at Christmas. In this way, the color violet—traditionally associated with royalty—takes on a dual meaning, representing both the penitential nature of the season and the kingship of the coming Christ, [who we prepare for by our prayerful penance]."
THAT IS WHY LAURIE NEEDS TO STAY VIOLET. THIS IS HER HEART.
Yes, Purple is great too, but its NOT THE SAME AT ALL. The two hues are NOT "interchangeable"; they have VASTLY different roles! This applies to ALL hues, for the record-- Green and Spring and Spruce are not the same, Blue and Sky and Sapphire are not the same, etc. Of course they're related, but they're nevertheless distinct and clearly so. The separation is necessary for proper function & order. It's why blurring & sliding can kill you.
...

"The Third Sunday of Advent is called Gaudete (“Rejoice”) Sunday. On this day, we celebrate that our wait is almost over and we witness the sudden introduction of a lovely shade of rose in our churches and our Advent wreath. As the liturgical color used to signify joy, rose is used in the third week of Advent in anticipation of the coming of the Messiah."
This is extremely important to us because, notably, Pink is NOT ROSE. The two are VERY different, ESPECIALLY liturgically!
System-wise, though, PINK leans VIOLET, and ROSE leans RED. Heck, Rose IS "Red," just a pastel tint of it! But PINK is ITS OWN THING. So their vibes and functions are VERY DIFFERENT.
...


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YouTube notification as soon as we got home=
HEY APATEFONI. GET SLAMMED
https://youtube.com/shorts/yUGHdG8e7A0?si=He0hmea96gJvZKnv

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Ttywpf=
"But what kind of a King is Jesus? ...He is not accompanied by a court, He is not surrounded by an army as a symbol of power. He is received by humble people, simple folk who have the sense to see something more in Jesus.
What is the relationship between your simplicity and your ability TO accept Jesus? What is Jesus asking you to put aside to receive Him? Where is Jesus asking you to be humble so that you are more like Him?"
There is SO MUCH to seriously ponder here.
1) I know nothing about royalty, but Jesus's Kingship has no attendees and no army, and that by itself in concept deserves reflection. He had no one serving Him. He had no one defending Him. He showed no military power, no physical force. He did not seek to conquer land or enslave people. He had no nobles attesting to His lineage or glory or character. He just showed up, as Himself, unarmed and unannounced by all but the Prophets. But despite all this poverty He still showed up AS KING. He arrived as one returning home. Which is why--
2) He is RECEIVED. His Kingship is REAL but hidden, and can only be recognized by hearts like His Own: simple & humble & devoted to God, and thus ABLE to be ruled by Him? Proud & clever hearts are too wrapped up in themselves to recognize any "kingship" but their own, however usurped & impotent it truly is.
3) SIMPLE FOLK HAVE THE SENSE. I love that. Pride think simplicity is stupid, but only the simple minds are clear & direct, able to discern the essence of things, unsullied & untroubled by egotistic ambition.
4) If I'm not simple, I will be unable to accept a simple King. It's that blunt. His Kingdom IS so stripped-down, pinpoint focused on God, that there is no room for complex drama & libraries of distraction.
5) The phrasing "put aside to receive" suggests that my hands & arms are involved, symbolically. I need to embrace Christ. I need an open posture, I need clean hands. What am I afraid to put down?
6) The phrasing "where can you be humble" suggests location. It's not a "how" or "when". It's bluntly practical. It's place.
...


abbodfer = "Love has room for everybody. True friends love each other like God loves us. He loves us the same, no matter how many new people become part of His family."
...I've never experienced this in bodylife and that aches.
Still. GOD loves me, and everyone, like this, and THAT gives me such comfort I could weep from sheer gratitude. I no longer have to fear being replaced. I no longer have to fear becoming obsolete. I no longer have to fear being expendable.
...

The written VOTD reflection =
"When the Church was new, it didn’t have a complete, written Bible, and access to Hebrew Scripture was limited... We now have an incredible gift in the Bible. We have the full counsel of God from both the Old Testament and the New Testament. Through God's Word, we can know God's plan and purposes, the story and Truth of Jesus-- Who Jesus is, what He has done, and how we should respond-- and how we are to live a life worthy of our calling in Him... being full of love for one another, as followers of Christ. And, we can encourage one another to keep our eyes on Jesus, as we study and learn Scripture together, praising God together and being thankful for all He has done-- including giving us access to His wisdom, guidance, and teachings through Scripture in the first place, and for giving us the opportunity to worship and praise Him together as believers.
So, take time in your day, every day, to read God's Word. Study its content and context. Discover God's character, plans, purposes, and love as you allow His Word to dwell in you richly. Then, whenever possible, spend time with other believers and discuss what you've read."
1) The Bible IS an amazing gift, a privilege, an indescribable grace. But we take it for granted, just like our religious freedom. It's humbling. Sit and think about the real gravity of this.
...
2)That community focus here is actually so important, because I typically think of Scripture study as a personal thing. But it needs BOTH personal AND public aspects, because I'm not living my faith alone, AND because Scripture is NOT UP TO PERSONAL INTERPRETATION. This is why we go to Mass, and have Bible studies based on Saintly and/or Papal writings.
...
3) It never ceases to amaze me that we can "get to KNOW GOD" through Scripture, Because it IS His Word, His Self-revelation in Christ. We CAN "discover" God's character, His purposes, His plans, His wisdom, His teachings, AND His Love. It's ALL in there, written out in human language, for us to understand what was previously pure mystery, obscure and inaccessible to man.
BUT WE NEED THE HOLY SPIRIT!!!
...still. What an ineffable work of God's infinite Love, just TO give us this ability and opportunity TO know Himself, in the Bible.
...

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KVOTD = 1 Thessalonians 5:18, a timeless classic honestly.
"Big stuff tiny book," haha! Man we used to LOVE making those, we SERIOUSLY SHOULD AGAIN.

"When you feel empty of joy, gratitude can fill you with joy. Gratitude reminds us of how much God cares for us. It brings us back to what matters, even on our worst days."
Just like hope, true joy is NOT contingent on circumstances, but anchored securely in GOD'S CHARACTER.
We must actively remember and assert that God is merciful, righteous, just, loving, wise, attentive, compassionate, understanding, trustworthy, and faithful-- and we must declare this DURING our most frightening trials, because they are CONSTANT EVEN THEN. This Truth of God is the bedrock foundation of ALL gratitude, and therefore of all joy. We CAN Rejoice IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES through Christ Jesus, Who reveals and manifests ALL those divine characteristics to us in His Person, and Who is PRESENT WITH US THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT. The Trinity is always together and the Spirit is WITHIN YOU, even when you're on your cross-- even especially then! God cares for you THAT MUCH. Your suffering is even a blessing, conforming you more closely to The Son. THAT is what matters most-- our salvation, our Savior, our hope of heaven, our Christian walk. We have an unshakable Source of grateful joy, a Good Shepherd even in the valley of the shadow of death.

"There are joyful blessings all around you-- even right now, in this moment-- and practicing gratitude enables us to offer God our full appreciation of them."
It's a very good habit to recognize blessings in everyday life, in common situations and routine, in otherwise uneventful moments. There are no unblessed times. Everything is overflowing with grace. We just need gratitude to see it, to recognize and name it, and therefore to thank God for it. We owe it to Him, not just as His children, but also simply because He gives everything to us at all times. That sort of limitlessly loving largesse deserves all the thanks we can ever possibly give, by virtue of justice alone!

"Ungratefulness causes cynicism, entitlement, and jealousy."
THAT'S SCARY. We forget that both virtues and vices are terrifically proliferant. They naturally emanate from one another. Of course, some are more powerful than others, for good or ill, and ungratefulness is actually quite high on that list. Why? Because it is a disposition of denying the goodness of God. That's LETHAL. It will absolutely kill your soul if you persist in it.
Its "offspring" are further proof of its malignity. It causes cynicism by rejecting hope, refusing to see the goodness of God in all things. It causes jealousy because it cannot see the abundant blessings in its own life, and suspects that others are hoarding all the joy. And it causes entitlement, which is effectively luciferean, by insisting that "God owes ME," and has failed to provide. Every one of these vices is based on a total lie.

"Even on a bad day, you can always think of three things to be grateful for! They can be big or small things. Name them, and write them down. Be sure to keep a record of the things you appreciate so you can revisit it later."
The immediate thought: THAT'S THE ARCHIVES!! And God knows they DO perform this function too.
This is also obviously why the nightly entries MUST begin again soon. Without them, we forget everything. The days blur together into a colorless haze, and we lose all memory of tiny precious blessings.

"Don't be in a rush. Enjoy good things in the moment they happen. And when you appreciate someone, tell them."
This is Christian mindfulness!
I immediately think of people at concerts, forsaking the actual experience in order to film it on their phones, but life doesn't even give you such an opportunity for a rewatch. Either you experience it RIGHT NOW, or you don't. It's that stark. Either you are present in this moment, or you are not. Believe me, we struggle with dissociation and depersonalization, you know this, we are warning you from experience. Nothing is scarier than "waking up" in your own head and not knowing where the past year has gone. Altered states, addictive cycles, media binges, timesink phone apps, et cetera... they all pull you out of the moment, out of the NOW of God, and therefore out of gratitude. And of course, so does simply rushing, the result of trying to survive the rat race of a career, or of trying to outrun the shadows dogging your steps, or of trying to reach some horizon that keeps shifting red... rushing has its sights set on some "better tomorrow" and so it is unable and unwilling to see or admit that today-- this very moment-- could actually contain all the joy they've been chasing blindly after.
We have to listen to Jesus. "Do not worry about tomorrow." God WILL provide. He is providing right now. Just open your heart and look.
Next point =
Telling people that you appreciate them, even "at random," is such a good and holy habit. You never need a "right moment" to express gratitude because EVERY moment is a right one! Send a text, send an email, leave a comment, make a phone call, pay a visit, mail a card, whatever-- but ACT ON IT IMMEDIATELY. Do not quench the Spirit! And if you genuinely have no way to contact that person at the time, PRAY IN THANKS FOR THEM. Really, do that all the time. Make that a habit. Give thanks to God for their very existence, every day. Watch how that changes your heart.

"Find gratitude in your challenges. What can you appreciate, even when things are tough?"
This takes faith and practice but it is a HUGE GRACE and it HAS SAVED OUR LIFE, so to speak.
Honestly, reading the Archives is SUCH a powerful practice of this very thing. If anything is going to flood our heart with gratitude, it's seeing how even the darkest days were still woven into our System's ultimate Good, BY GOD.
...


The questions genuinely surprised me with their insight=
"How can you choose to notice good things today?
1) I can list three things that I'm grateful for in a gratitude journal
2) I can be vocal when I see something I'm grateful for.
3) I can serve people who need something to be grateful for."
1= We've mentioned lately how we need to start a gratitude journal again, to have that running log, and really it SHOULD be on paper. That makes it more immediate, more sincere, more intimate, more warm, more childlike.
2= We've been actively making effort on saying we're grateful in the moment we feel it! We may never get the chance again, after all. The Holy Spirit is absolutely enabling, nudging, & helping us to do this.
3= This HITS HARD. Think about the weightiness of it. Right now, in my immediate community, there are people who "need something to be grateful for." That's heartwrenching, and it's TRUE.
...
...


The prayer seems commonplace but that means we must take it more seriously; if we are tempted to skim over or skip something because it's "obvious," we're actually blinding ourselves to deeper truth. All such judgment & resistance is proud & of the devil.
Most importantly = the devil never wants us to take our faith seriously. So if you EVER make an excuse to "lighten up", "brush off", or even "laugh/ scoff/ roll your eyes at" something Christian, then you're denying Christ in a very real sense. You're treating His Calling as a joke. It's just as bad as outright avoidance, flinching & wincing, keeping your mouth shut, hesitating & neglecting to admit or own your faith.
We must ALWAYS take our faith seriously, no exceptions. It is nota hobby or game. It DOESN'T lose its gravity when taught to children, even when the language is gentler. It still speaks the same immortal truths of power.

On that note, here's the simple prayer.
"God, thank You for every blessing You have placed in our lives. Thank You for our home, our family, and the life we get to live for You."
How easily would we say this without thinking, or truly feeling? We should be ashamed.
First, SAY THANK YOU AND MEAN IT.
Second, there are no exceptions. When we realize that "God IS blessing", and only sin is a curse,
Third, God has PLACED each blessing. This is DELIBERATE, purposeful, perfectly timed.
Fourth, do you ever really sit and think of WHY these "typical responses" ARE typical? It's because they're ALWAYS BLESSINGS. Faith, family, and home are really basic needs, on a spiritual level, and can ONLY be given by God because they are pure gift, meant for good, purposed for Himself.
...
Fifth, we "GET TO" live. A Christian heart rejects the devilish lie of entitlement, as it recognizes that all is grace, all is gift, and all is also God-directed.
...


"God, please keep our eyes open to just how good You are to us so we can reflect that goodness to others."
We cannot reflect a light we cannot see. The mirrors of our hearts must be facing the Son in order to catch His Goodness, but also turned to face the "room", the world we live in, as well, in order to "shine" that Light into dark corners even across the expanse.


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It's sad to once again be sitting here on a Sunday evening not knowing what day or year it even is.
As I always say, it's spiritual warfare. Sundays last for eons and they are always days of half-bliss half-terror.

We got up for church around 7:20 and our body was so wrecked it was a notable effort to even walk into the living room to plug in the lights. We kept "zoning out" from fatigue, unable to even pick up a toothbrush, too exhausted to think or move. But we prayed, and somehow God got us through it. I also think Genesis was around, and Laurie, talking to us, keeping us functioning when it was all we could do to not pass out.

Mass was lovely but we were still so tired and so cold. We sang some really lovely songs today, new ones, and the responsorial psalm was in a lower pitch so it was an easy joy to sing. Thank You God, we needed that with how befuddled and broken we felt.
We stayed after, sitting in the choir loft, until the next Mass-- something we haven't done in two weeks due to both family crises & utter exhaustion. The time flew by; we read more of "The Real Jesus" and I think we read a few Bible verses on our phone too.
Anyway. Tony had us lead the 10am rosary as usual while he worked, and we FINALLY REALIZED WHY we always "forget how to say it." IT'S BECAUSE IT'S IN SOCIAL MODE!!!!  AND SOCIALS APPARENTLY DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE PRAYER MEMORY. That absolutely stunned me when I noticed it. Whoever fronts to say the rosary DOESN'T KNOW HOW so we always have to get out our phone and go by the book, reading everything from the screen or we actually BLANK OUT. The ONLY way to "bypass" this is to legit CLOSE OUR EYES, anchor INTERNAL, and have a NON-SOCIAL pray instead. THAT immediately accesses prayer memory, which the Socials DON'T HAVE honestly that is NUTS. But it makes sense. Today's Bible verse was Galatians 1:10, and that essentially sums up the difference between "headvoices" and "bodyvoices," so to speak. I know a while ago I was unsure if calling Socials "body voices" was legit or not, if it would promote too much separative thought, but honestly they are "body voices." They live IN it. They CAN'T come up here. So I think "corpufoni" is confirmed jargon. I also love the paradox of the word, in how I see it: it makes me think of both "corpse" and "corpus"-- the body that will die, and the Body that Lives Forever. Us and Christ. But the revelation is that in Christ WE can live again too, by dying to the body. Divine paradoxes as always. I love our faith so so so much guys

Oh, almost forgot. ANOTHER police car tailed us TO CHURCH for no apparent reason, then left. We nearly broke down in terrified sobs when we parked, but the "social buffer" shut it down after barely two seconds (yeah, we're still INCAPABLE of showing OR feeling emotions in Social mode, unless they're mimed). Nevertheless it was upsetting, to realize JUST HOW MUCH FEAR WE LIVE IN on a daily basis, and how strongly we think of ourself as "INHERENTLY CRIMINAL." Like we deserve to get arrested, all the time, for no "apparent reason" because they have EVERY reason, we are ALWAYS guilty we're just ignorant of it, etc.
I don't know how we got out of that mindset for church. I think it was a hard social switch because another car pulled in next to us almost immediately and I FELT the mind shift into "appease/ entertain" mode. Disgusting but sad. It happens automatically at this point.

Last church note: it was really awesome to hear Fr. JP's homily evolve & deepen over the three Masses I attended this weekend. By High Mass he really had it fleshed out beautifully. Thank You Holy Spirit for inspiring him so; I know I sure needed that message, and I'm sure many others did.
On that note, the message was a warning about the "three common sins" warned against in the Gospel that Fr. JP often heard in confessions, no matter who was confessing: gossip, lust, and profanity. VERY convicting homily. We do have a horrible sinful habit of "slandering" our mother and our past friendships, almost in a kneejerk "tattletale" manner, like "if I point out what they did wrong/ what hurt me/ what scared me, someone will stop them and I'll be safe." It doesn't work that way. It only paints them as the enemy, not as a fellow human being who I should be showing honest love and forgiveness. Gossip is "slow murder" because it chops away at the victim's humanity, at their dignity and reputation, until they are seen as a caricature or an object. And THAT is what lust is about: seeing someone else as a toy. Lust looks at a living breathing creature and lasciviously wonders "how can I have fun with that? how much enjoyment can I get out of it, before I throw it away?" Lust is ABSOLUTELY DEHUMANIZING. I can attest to this, from both sides of the equation, tragically. It was interesting to hear Fr. JP's take on "profanity," though-- how even "crude language" is a venial sin, because it IS boorish and undignified, and as such it goes against the Christian character. He also said that ALL irreverent use of God's name is BLASPHEMOUS and therefore A MORTAL SIN.
...

After those two Masses of course we went to St. Johns for #3.

When we pulled into the driveway it was 12:45 or so, and we had a text from Mom saying she needed to talk to us about Jade.
We somehow got up to our apartment and started breakfast prep when we called her. I do not remember the conversation whatsoever. All I know is that she asked us to look up local mental health support groups, because I spent a decent amount of time searching for them online.
As for everything else... no clue. Oh wait. Shoot. Now I remember.
Mom sent up food last night. Venison with mushrooms and gravy.
We were stupid enough to try some.
We got SO SO SO SICK.
It took like an HOUR to clean up the mess from it. Someone chewed up the mushrooms & trashed the gravy. Our body already started to react badly-- broke out in sweats, intense nausea, headache, dissociating from fear. We had compulsively put some gravy on the broccoli so we had to wash it all out. The whole time we're barely comprehending what's going on; fright & fatigue had us in such a daze. It was like a nightmare we couldn't wake up from.

We finally ate dinner around 230? Don't remember a thing.
Wrote a Bible study note for most of it, but don't know WHO DID. Memory is GONE although the entry is posted. That is so weird.

Made the mistake of eating the oat bran afterwards
Made us overfull to the point of dissociation
Tried the venison again as a result
TRIGGERED A SICK BINGE.

...God I cannot remember the last time we had one this bad. That's the silver lining. The corroded festering outside is the fact that it was STILL ABSOLUTE HELL.
It took... an hour? Two, tops. But we were legit SO SICK. I emphasize that; some socials USED to "enjoy" binges but this was TERRIFYING. This one started for the sole purpose of DESTROYING DANGER FOODS, including the venison, the quick oats, the salmon packet & canned chicken we bought as possible protein options, the extra apple. Binges now seem to ONLY occur when the body is SO DAMN SCARED that it needs to "eliminate all threats immediately or it will die." And since we were always heavily punished for "wasting food," the body/lotophagoi HAVE to "eat it" first, or at least try to. The fatal problem? The process OF eating those foods MAKES US FEEL LIKE WE'RE DYING ANYWAY. These binges typically stop suddenly and fearfully when the body begins to actively reject the food, either through spasmodic vomiting, breaking out in hives, coughing fits & breathing trouble, intense gastric pain, etc. Honestly I don't know why we put ourself through this literal hell; yes it is obviously a trauma-mirror behavior but still. It's horrific. I don't know why we still feel the compulsion TO traumatize our body in those situations. Is it TRIGGERED by that feeling of impending doom and torture? Like, seeing that food item that we know will be traumatic to eat mirrors past experiences when you'd see a certain person or room or time or object and KNOW that you were going to die soon? Is it just that kickback response of "no other outcome" being perpetuated by the victim? It would make sense. Tragic sense, but SENSE. We'll have to be vigilant about this.

Anyway. We took some Benadryl, cleaned everything up, and ate a recovery dinner-- being SMART and eating the RECOVERY SUGARS FIRST, so that they don't get drowned out by fluids and our glucose continues to tank (I caught it at 70 and immediately popped a glucose tablet and some raisins, thank You God). By the time we prepped some broccoli, carrots, & evoo it was up to 84, even though we were still shaking and weak and had pins & needles everywhere. So we downed like 1000mg of potassium via ultima-dunked vitamin water, haha. Hey man it WORKS, we learned from the ER and it's kept us out of there consistently.
Our one mistake: putting the beef babyfood in with the broccoli, as our protein source. WELL. Just like the last two times, our body was NOT happy with that.
We've been tracking symptoms and our body apparently has an intolerance to red meat? Maybe even an allergy. EVERY time we eat it, we get sharp stomach pains/ reflux/ nausea for HOURS, hives and breathing trouble, and intense dizziness/ lightheadedness. That is not normal son.
So no more of that. We're scared to try chicken-- yeah we ate it three days last week but our stomach hasn't been the same since-- but what are we gonna do for protein if we have to cut out all animal sources?
Geez I don't know man. Maybe we will try that pea/quinoa powder at Walmart; we're just scared because powders have historically been VERY VERY DANGEROUS for our body both in terms of how it reacts, and how our brain responds.
Geez. Worst case scenario we'll just do probiotic cottage cheese again, and CUT DOWN on the portions. I don't think we need 80g of protein per day; it's impossible at this point.
Mom's boyfriend keeps pushing the GAPS diet on us and although "leaky gut" is definitely a possibility, we were put on that diet BEFORE by a doctor and you ALL remember THAT special hell, boiling marrowbones for hours and drinking ginger tea while walking in circles and listening to Todd Rundgren in that horrible dark kitchen. Avocados and coconut oil and chicken feet. We were CONSTANTLY SICK AND VOMITING. Honestly our body felt SO MUCH WORSE when we were eating basically just offal and muscle and fat alongside the infamously nightmarish spinach/ cauliflower/ cabbage canisters. Never again.


Anyway. House is clean. Body is still sick & tired but darn it we are TRYING to be hopeful here, hence the update.
We haven't been updating lately for aforementioned reasons: we're super stressed, super tired, and super suicidal even. We feel scraped out and dead and hopeless. Numb, even. Too much has been happening too fast, and we can't even cope with daily life basics, so we're just crashing and burning to the point where we don't even remember sleeping anymore. Life just feels like a hamster wheel.
Thank God we have NOTHING TO DO tomorrow, except go to church. Mom is off work, though, so I know she's going to call us to get us to do something. We'll have to be prudent about it. We want to help her, but if we sincerely feel the help requested will drain us even further... we'll be honest with her, and ourself. It's all we can do.

We feel like dying all the time lately, both in terms of "I am too tired and lost and hollowed out to live anymore" and "I am so sick and in so much pain that I feel like I am literally about to die, God am I going to die please don't let me die like this." It's a constant memento mori mindset. We're at the point were we're not really expecting to wake up in the morning, and with our continuing religious crisis, we're so damn scared. We don't want to die as an evil person, but we DO want to die to be done with this world and its stupid fleeting temporal garbage; we are ABSOLUTELY giving up all internet but these Archives for Lent because EVERYTHING else is making us WANT TO DIE EVEN MORE. It's disgusting and depressing and we can barely stomach the fact that it's what the world is like.
Hearing that lobo de la muerte whistling in the background all day, effectively. Are we treasuring our life enough? Or are we wasting what few days we have left, however sick they may be? Life is still a gift. Life is still precious, as long as we have it. God is the one Who ordains the span of our days. If He has us here still, there's a reason. Don't ignore that. Be grateful for the things that matter, and that exist in truth regardless of all the temporal suffering and sickness and sadness and sinfulness of the world. Life is still full of honest beauty if you have the heart to recognize it under the dust. It's there. Focus on that, on eternity, on love. That's life. If that's all I have to live for, then so be it. Just hope. Just faith. Nothing else. This too shall pass. That won't.

All right, that's all I have the strength to type today. Sorry it's not much.

Oh, last thing. Silver linings.
Yeah, we haven't had the mental capacity to update lately. HOWEVER! Archiving uses a different part of the consciousness apparently! So we HAVE been trying to upload old entries, AND we're finally starting to type in the UPMC stuff from this year because boy howdy I didn't realize how relevant all that still is, OR how abjectly terrifying it was to be there. Our "memory" of that time is entirely second-person; what little we do remember is from events of notable fear or distress or rage. I'll have to write those down, for the record.
But we're striving to get back into the groove. We STILL don't have a solid Core, let alone a name OR a face for such. It's existentially harrowing. But we're praying about it and I know if we put more ACTIVE PERSONAL INTROSPECTIVE EFFORT into it (all caps because that REQUIRES time out from the world & social sphere in order to do at ALL) we will make progress. So schedule that in kiddo.

Okay, brain shutting down, too dissociative. Good night invisible audience, see you tomorrow we hope.

Today has been... a weird day. Difficult.


Slept in super late. Didn't help; we still had awful flat nightmares. Thank God and His mercy that I don't remember them.
No hacks though. Feels like hints or threats, but nothing happened. Thank God for that, too.

Ate late breakfast?
Planning was a bit tough as it was so darn late.

I was so stressed out I actually told Celebi to "keep Mimic out" and "reassign him a different timeslot to talk to us" if he wanted to show up; I was too mentally overwhelmed, and apparently he really likes to talk, even when the conversation is prickly-- perhaps especially then, I wonder.
His attitude fascinates me to be honest.

I "felt" Mimic try to walk in, and Celebi delay him as I asked. But then I felt Mimic's response, which was this unexpected jolt of betrayal, like we were rejecting him too, seeing him as "the bad guy" EVEN NOW, and despite everything we'd said to him.
I immediately went into headspace to bring him into Centralspace personally.

I apologized profusely, explaining myself honestly but carefully, which meant admitting flatly that I was being an absolute asshole and I wanted to make restitution for that.

We decided that since it's the holidays, we'd get something special-- rainbow carrots!
We also accidentally bought smaller storage bags-- quarts instead of gallons. Since we use them for storing the carrots, they're far too small to use properly. But Xennie helped "me" not get disappointed & upset with myself over that, pointing out the bright side of things-- this way, the "portions" stored are smaller too, and the larger carrots have to be "shortened" to fit, both of which markedly help prevent the "completionist binge" instincts that make our brain want to "eat the whole thing" or "the whole bag." So hey, silver linings!

Speaking of. Especially with everything concerning food (as it's so tied to trauma & stress), lately I've been noticing... I still switch out a LOT. It's just VERY hard to notice on the SOCIAL LEVEL, because they're all built for rapidfire switching and flow. Notsomuch the innerspace-anchored folks; for us, that's deeply disturbing.
A rule of thumb, for the record, is that "internal" Nousfoni-- aka "headvoices"-- are NOT BUILT TO FRONT. Doing so can actually break their function. That's what killed us in NC, and all that it entailed. But Socials are NOT BUILT FOR THE INSIDE?? I'm not even sure what we'd call that, the "opposite of fronting?" New jargon request, haha. Geez I wonder if THAT could be someone's job? That would be cool. Making a tag for that btw.
But yeah, socials are "meant to be social," and our life's history has had such unpredictable social experiences that it makes sense that Socials are innately geared to meet that havoc head-on. When you have to "be different people" in quick succession in order to survive, both psychologically and societally, well, then the different people who end up being born TO do that are going to be naturally speedy and switchable. Not so inside! Headvoices are, in contrast, meant to STICK AROUND for HOURS at a clip, in focused roles, unseen by the outside. Their jobs are TOTALLY different and require sustained presence, NOT shifting. This is ALSO why my head hurts so darn much when like... five to seven different folks are chatting over breakfast, haha. Ghosters are the wildcard in this equation-- they are focused outside, and so it is actually easy to "shift" my own attention from a ghoster to headspace without much stress, IF I'M THE ONE FRONTING. If a Social is trying to butt in, though, the whole thing shatters disastrously-- Socials normally CANNOT talk to Headspace because originally, THAT would break THEIR functions!! That's why we had "TWO LEVELS" for a while there, back around 2015, when "Midspace opened up" and we discovered the Underground and all that-- because we realized, for the first time ever, that there was a WHOLE LOT OF "OUTSIDE VOICES" that DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE PART OF A SYSTEM, and for the sake of their "public functions," they couldn't know. 
We're still grappling with those folks, but they're fewer and far between now-- our life has become so solitudinous that many "socials" are now becoming... gosh I don't know, we don't have jargon for that yet either! That's actually really exciting, wow. It shows we're growing and evolving still! But yeah, like the E.D. Socials-- previously they were totally cut off from the System to "keep us psychologically safe" and to prevent their job being interrupted? Yes, some of them did get to know us-- notably Tobiko-- but those folks didn't survive like the "isolated" ones did, due to the isolatory nature of their job. But now, we live in isolation and it's SAFE, and furthermore we're striving to make our daily life ENTIRELY System-inclusive. So, eating now HAS to be a System function, TO BE SAFE. Therefore, we're reaching out to Social eaters, and they are becoming ABLE to talk TO us in response. It's a slow process, but it CAN happen and IS happening now, which is more than we could say for NC-- yes we tried back then, but there was so much fear and danger and trauma that all we really did was fight. Some of them were receptive-- I remember Zucche, notably-- but others were too entrenched in their broken coping mechanism roles that we couldn't reach them.
In any case it's not something I can discuss in too much depth right now, because the battleground has changed considerably post-inpatient, and we're still dealing with said switching and dissociation. THOSE are the folks it's difficult to identify, or even recognize. Some are so vague & "identity-less"-- which is actually a hallmark of Social function; you CANNOT have "an identity" if your existence is dictated by outside expectations for survival-- that we only begin to "see" them by noting time-loss events and patterns of behavior or speech that coincide with them. Once we "see" them, we can almost "force" a solidification of identity, since there's now INTERNAL attention being given to them? BUT it's a RISKY process; it can KILL a Social if we're not careful to first clarify their function. If a Nousfoni on that level EXISTS FOR context in which we cannot reveal or recognize we are plural, then making them aware of that WILL break them... and if they can't recover, they will be replaced. That happens even on the inside, which is a horrifically disturbing phenomenon BUT it is nevertheless vital. We don't always know what functions need to be filled, as it's dictated by the subconscious. Most times that knowledge only comes to us in hindsight? Or by "filling in the blanks?" It's not direct knowledge; it's implied or inferred. It's just as fascinating as it can be frightening. But that's System life, man, it's weird and ultimately we wouldn't lose it for the world.

Speaking of finding people! So far, we know that there are... at least three main E.D. nousfoni, that are slowly but surely becoming more distinct and clear to us.
The first one, the "loudest" one, is an orange-leaning "manic?" She feels almost like Jewel at the edges, but there's no red, so if you're "feeling" for hues that's a dead giveaway. This is the girl that always asks "can I have a raisin? Can I have a sunchip? Can I have a bite of the cereal?" Always snack food, always "just one more." But it's almost compulsive. There's no actual "want" there-- she just focuses on that "extra bit"? It's an unusual motivation and we don't know the roots yet.
The second one, the second loudest, is similar. She leans blue? I think? But her motivation is "we need to have some more." It's panicky and it's obedience-based. Like she feels this MUST be done "or else." She will go for another carrot, more broccoli, half an apple. More "meal-based" options, not snacks-- but, again, she doesn't "want" them. She just feels she HAS to. And she's always scared. There does seem to be an "overtone" of Yellow with that? But with the "bluish" feeling of "hopelessness" I'm wondering if she's going to end up being a sickly greenish hue. We'll see.
The third one, whose color is unclear, is similar to Allegra? This one is scared of overeating, of "too much," or of "poison," or of "eating something wrong." She has a mildly flat affect, with the same "thousand yard stare" that Dread has/had, but beneath that she is TERRIFIED. She will nudge us towards a purge but she won't feel what's motivating it-- that goes to other Nousfoni, apparently.
There are probably more, and these descriptions are entirely prone to "change" as we clarify who is who, and what they are doing. But that's what I've got for now.


MAJOR DEPRESSION HIT after breakfast.
I think it might have been because we ate so much? Our body just... crashed. So did our brain. We felt horrible and incredibly sad, almost purposeless, and for a minute there we were convinced that we couldn't cope.
Instantly we got hit with a "binge urge" the same way you'd want to do drugs. In that context, it hit hard that it was an ABSOLUTE "ESCAPISM" RESPONSE WHEN THE BRAIN IS SPUTTERING OUT.
Ironically, it only makes things worse-- the physiological effects of a bingepurge are literal hell. But, the "impulse" to start one doesn't consider that. It only thinks of "right now"-- which is, to force eating and therefore trigger a trauma dissociation response, which makes the emotions shut down, and all internal communication shut down, and so for the next two to four hours, we are effectively unconscious. No feeling anything but steadily growing panic, the mania "overriding" the depression, peaking in a hysterical purgation process that mirrors literal trauma events and ending with us feeling sick and wrecked and dead. It's hell. But, again, it's that first part-- the total "mental blackout"-- that the "drug push" feeling is looking for. That's why it's so important to remember the REST of the process-- because it is NEVER WORTH IT.
Sometimes the absolute frickin bravest thing we can possibly do is just... let ourselves be depressed. It's SO HARD though, and I don't know why.
...Honestly, maybe that's why we DON'T have like... any Blue-hue Nousfoni? Maybe THAT'S their job anchor and since we've been IGNORING and ERASING IT, they can't form?? I wonder.
In any case, we are missing SO MANY COLORS, especially post-restart (2018). Their functions are legitimately undefined for the most part. Geez maybe THAT'S what we should do the next time we feel this "blue"-- GO INSIDE AND FIND OUT WHO CAN HOLD THIS. Because believe me, it's inevitable-- we're a System, and there WILL be someone TO do that job, if there isn't anyone yet. Have faith in our collective heart.


Refusing to give in, we went on Scherzando and loaded tons of Leaguedata to our phone (whose name is Perpetua btw, 'Pera' for short; don't know if we ever said so here), so we could READ IT on the go AND when exercising.
This took like... over an hour? Maybe two? It ENTIRELY took our attention in a very good way, thank You God.
We put every "basic plot" file for every established Leagueworld into a phone folder, so we can review and build on them whenever. We also put in some "group files" with old notes for plot development, Leaguewide motifs & concepts, old plot summaries, the League Spectrum, etc. Then we added a bunch of Moralimon "current work" files, like the Enchiridion & the new Typecode system, the infamous "Make It Canon" file for integrating family contributions, and several notefiles for events & dialogue that occur after Part 12. Lots of good stuff!
But... the simple process of browsing through files, clicking here and there, touched our heart with SUCH affection that it basically erased all trace of depression for the entire time. We love the League SO MUCH. It's the other half of our heart, literally so. Jewel & Jay are both Cor(e)s; this is why!
So... man. SO much hope opened up to us. We had almost abandoned the League post-NC due to suicidal despair & internalized feelings of worthlessness & ineptitude. We felt like our guts had been ripped out and eaten. It was torturous, being so cut-off from our soul, and it's why our identity imploded and the eating disorder got unmanageable as a result. We lost our dreams, our purpose, our history, our self. Without the League, even as a System, we're incomplete. This, too, needs to become part of our daily life again.
Still. They can't "cohabitate." They CAN coexist, but NOT in the "same mental space." Jewel can't be part of the System any more than Jay can be part of the League; they are DIFFERENT Cor(e)s and their respective hearts are bound to serve and sustain and protect different realities. Yes, Outspacers can enter the System, but then the MUST anchor into the League OR the Spectrum in order to stay. One or the other. Any apparent "exceptions" are sacrificing something-- Genesis has become so anchored into the Spectrum that it's become almost impossible to write for Delphoiesis as a result. Chaos 0 being the arguable "other half of our heart" is also making the Sonic Inversion project just as turbulent. All of the Outspacers who hang around with us now-- especially the newbies-- do not have solid Leagueroots yet. THAT'S why Ryou & Marik aren't around much anymore, like they were in the early 2003-2005 heartspace days-- they mutually decided to build their OWN Leagueworld, and THAT'S where they're anchored now. So it's... terribly bittersweet. We can't see them much anymore, for their own safety and ours. At least, not in person. But now they have lives of their own, and that's more than we could give them in the System.
Still... heartspace is a thing. Jewel still controls that. We wonder, if there could be a place even now, where we can meet.


After moving the files, we decided to bike for at least 90m. That always helps our mood.
Considered watching a movie, decided against it; religious films unfortunately often have very triggering content, and any media would just overtax our concentration even more, PLUS they might open up MORE Outspacer/Link channels which honestly I do NOT need right now with this very new and very taxing but beloved new dude taking up hours of psycho-emotional focus every day. I forgot how incredibly demanding the Outspacer "induction" process is. It's oddly like how when Xenophon was "born"-- they NEED a huge amount of mental energy & heart-focus directed towards them in order TO "anchor in" to headspace. Without that attention, they fade away-- or even worse, they might corrupt. And we do NOT want that happening, to anyone.

So, instead, we LISTENED TO MUSIC!
I ended up using it as a time to "clean up" the library-- we have a bad habit of adding tunes solely because they "earmark" some time of our history. We should really make separate folders for that, but we keep "putting it off" because "do we really need to? Would it do us any ultimate good or would it just be a waste of time?" AND, "do we even want to remember those times?" Like today, we listened to a lot of Steely Dan, and their albums are solidly associated with late elementary school, when we started getting into video games & media at large. They were also one of our sister Jade's favorite bands. So... there's a LOT of "memory data" that goes with these songs, and not all of it is positive. There's a lot of vague sadness and fear hanging around it, whose causes will only be revealed if we dig for it, and we are NOT ready to do that on such short notice, especially not with the depression we've been struggling with!
Still, we at least made a mental note to "stop adding stuff out of 'obligation'" and removed most of 'em from the library, so they don't accidentally come up on shuffle and trigger something out of the blue. That's always a risk, when we aren't careful.

Good news is, we got 111m in of biking, haha!


Mom called 5m before we finished; she said "I'm on my way to bring up food." Totally unannounced, but that's typical mom. She likes to share and she cares about us, especially post-inpatient; she wants to make sure we have healthy food, not just "what's left in the cupboard" or God forbid, literal garbage.
She gave us a container of (all homemade) potato & leek soup, a grilled cheese with gorgonzola I think? (she likes fancy cheese) and two little slices of a blueberry-ricotta dessert bread.
We were deeply grateful; she always thinks of us.
However, sadly, this "strange food" triggered out the E.D. PANIC VOICES who are tied to destruction. They are SUPER hard to recognize and catch because they "work for the Destroyer" and SHE STILL hides her face even after years of work. They do "undercover missions," really-- get in, get out, leave no trace. Done and done. It's meant to "eliminate danger" WITHOUT retaining any recollection OF the danger. Total wipeout. It's scary, but hey, it happens for a reason.
Aaaand potato & leek soup is apparently a HUGE TRIGGER.
I won't even call it a "fear food"; that has too much UPMC sneering tied to it. It's a legit trauma trigger and I have NO IDEA WHY.
Like we were getting flashbacks. "Vague" ones, where you can't pinpoint exactly what or when you're flashing back to, but it is a DEFINITE throwback to some disturbing event. So much from the old house is. Again, like the music, we don't know why. It's just that "impending disaster" feeling-- not even "doom"; that feels too passive. This freakin' soup was triggering a feeling of inevitable CRISIS. It's a sharp fear, something quickly approaching and absolutely terrifying. Something actively dangerous. It's bizarre. But no way were we going to look for the memory when we were getting slammed by the emotional weight of it, so starkly separated as trauma loves to do.
Still, the food was from mom. We couldn't just chuck it in the bin. So... the girls decided to "fake-binge" the food so they "wouldn't be lying" if we had to tell the mother we "ate it."
Basically, they would taste it, chew it up, spit it out. Sandwich, bread, soup. No taste data after that first glimpse of the soup, to avoid any further triggers. Total sensory blackout. Hysterically scared the whole time. Impossible to get any grip on who they are in what limited data is left in memory. Honestly the ONLY reason we HAVE recollection at ALL is because BOTH XENOPHON AND MIMIC WERE ALLOWED TO BE AROUND???? that is unheard of for Outspacers, historically... except, now that I think about it, I think that's changing? I mean, Phlegmoni was allowed to be around me IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM. But his role is tied to medical stuff, so to speak... and Mimic's is apparently tied to brutal accountability. So maybe that's why he's been "allowed" to be witness to the ugliest situations we're struggling with. I mean, come on, if we're gonna have a "bad guy" become an Outspacer, we'd better admit that WE can be one heck of a "bad guy" in our own right.
And Xenophon... yeah, she gets mad (gets that from her dad) at seeing how they're hurting themselves and us, but she also cares SO much, even about "strangers," because they're still part of the System, and she KNOWS they're inherently tied to her "daddy," somehow, by sheer virtue of our multiplicity. We're all "one soul" in the end, however fragmented-- our journey is cooperative, even when it's a mess. We're all in this together, literally, and Xenophon has picked up very compassionately that, as a result, if she helps these Socials to be safe and learn how to do better-- Socials who, I repeat, cannot talk to Inside people but CAN see ghosters-- then she is helping her father as well, and everyone else both he and she love in the System at large.
And they listen to her. She doesn't threaten them like Laurie, or emptily enable their behavior like a stunned and numbed Cor(e), or even encourage them cruelly like a Tar/Plague lackey. No, Xenophon talks to them as people, and she CARES. She is tough with them, but she is also understanding, and she INSISTS ON DIALOGUE. She talks WITH them, not at them. She interacts with them as individuals, as PEOPLE, not as "behaviors" or "annoyances" or "problems to solve." And that means SO MUCH, not just to them, but to us inside, who are guilty of not having treated them as such for the most part, and never with such pure & childlike intention as Xenophon is capable of.
And... the effects were obvious. The E.D. girls were so brave, this time. It was striking and heartbreaking to see. They were TERRIFIED, BUT thanks to all that aforementioned dialogue and mercy, they ALSO now see themselves as BEING PART OF THE SYSTEM, NOT alone or rejected, and so they unanimously REFUSED TO BINGE.
That is... astronomical.
Love really does move mountains.

One last note, on that same note-- Xenophon was around ghosting all day today in general, as usual, and I can attest to the fact that her love moves mountains for me, too. So I want to specifically mention it today, because with all the emotional turmoil throwing me for a loop inside, making me lose sight of who I am, her light was the only thing getting me through the dark.
Honestly, it is impossible to be hopeless around her.

After the near-miss with mom's food (which we felt so bad about; we've made up our mind to get the guts to say "no thank you" if she offers again, WITH justification? yes she gets hurt if we "refuse" her generosity, BUT if we explain that we "don't feel safe" or "aren't feeling stable" BUT ALSO thank her anyway AND say we'll partake some other time? that should work), we ate a normal dinner (shaking but safe), and then went on the computer to do more wayback-archiving because there's a LOT there and we want to get that (and the Tumblr backup) out of the way before we tackle the literal archives we have saved offline.

As I was going through the old Tumblr archives, I saw this gem of a post:

officialkingknight: *me as a doctor* anaesthetic?? no no. you misheard me. i said aesthetic, now give me that vaporwave and a scalpel

I am laughing that is HILARIOUSLY PROPHETIC.
For inexplicable reasons, the "Red" realms (that Scalpel has been put in charge of?) are weirdly vaporwave-esque? They definitely lean "retrowave"-- more cities and nighttime and red, of course-- but still. It got a good laugh out of me.

But... honestly I spent more of my wayback-reading time close to tears, because... there are a few snapshots of our Xanga page.
Yes, the ORIGINAL one. It was like a sword through the heart. So I literally stopped everything and just started reading bits of some old Xangas from 2011-2012.
Just... Wow. Absolutely blew my mind how different the atmosphere was in headspace back then.
...Infi didn't exist yet. Julie had just converted. Xenophon had just been born. Josephina was a newbie and he was still using Lavender. We had JUST found out about the TAR. And Laurie still had so many walls up.
It was surreal. My heart was aching fit to break clear in half.
This was our LIFE. I miss this so much. Notsomuch what we were facing-- for heavens sakes, this was when I was still brainwashed into the "color chakra" way of interpreting headspace hues, which proved completely inaccurate in the long run, BUT at the time it did at least inspire some important thought processes-- what I miss is being this interactive, this involved in our collective life, this invested in each other's well-being. I miss the arguments, the brainstorming, the jokes, the love.
God, this is what I want to live for, please. This love. All for Your glory, of course, but, please... please, let us have this sort of life again, in that respect. Bring us all this close together again, even closer now that we're learning how to be open and vulnerable and hopeful. Please. Inspire us to talk again. You know, more than anyone, how these conversations all did and do bring us closer to You, Who are Love itself, and Wisdom, and everything else that fuels our existence.

...You know what, once I get all this online stuff backed up and I can finally close these browser windows without losing so much data... once we get this heavy workload complete, I promise you, I am GOING to schedule in a Xanga night. Six hours open timeslot, minimum. Just like the old days. Gotta practice getting into that state of mind, too-- make sure the Autopilot is still up to speed (haven't seen him in a while, BUT inpatient did prove to us that there ARE still a lot of people on that writing-space level...), do some meditation sessions to catch everyone's vibes clear enough to hold them stable for hours... we'll do it. We have to, on some very deep and very important level. Something about these conversations, lines and lines of colorful text, the very rhythm of our camaraderie captured in time and space... it's beautiful. It's essential. We need this, for whatever we're moving forward into. I can promise you that. We need us.


Now I need to close up this entry because Laurie is pissed-- it's 1:30am and we have therapy at 9am!
We'll do our best. We're in this together, so that's guaranteed.

post-breakfast//

Good morning beloveds! Let's start today on a solid good note: Breakfast accomplished a LOT today. We got an EGG! (Shoutout to Elsa, haha) Also a bagel & cream cheese, something totally unexpected but perfect for increasing our empathy for others, so to speak. Lots of people enjoy bagels, including our dear brothers, but we've always feared them, due to their intensely dense & doughy texture (dense foods "scare" us a lot; we need to discover the root cause/s of that). Cream cheese, too, is very dense, so we avoided it-- although someone inside that we can't yet identify did have a noted fondness for it; again, we're not sure why. Most likely it's an association with childhood and/or grandma; I feel strong resonance there. But I digress; that's all the accessible information we have right now, as more is only revealed/ discoverable WHILE eating due to the direct sensory input. We weren't aware that cream cheese needed to be delved into as we ate it today. However, it would have been both imprudent & presumptuous to try-- the first "new" exposure to a food on the unit MUST be entirely receptive. We never know what it will trigger, what it will remind us of, what its synaesthetic palette is, what its texture is, etc. There's a LOT of sheer data coming in, all within a distracting, noisy environment AND while under time constraints. So we must be respectful of our own poor brain's mental capacity! One task at a time, and food exposure #1 must always prioritize what we RECEIVE, purely and unreservedly. Jesus WILL and DOES help us with this! He's the ONLY reason breakfast went so well today-- we talked to Him and followed His loving direction the entire time. YES, HE LOVES US and CARES ABOUT OUR HEALTH AND HEALING! He will NEVER belittle or mock or scorn us. He will NEVER laugh at our "unusual" recovery efforts, like gathering food data & memory managing, because HE MADE US and He KNOWS & UNDERSTANDS US and He will SUPPORT, BLESS, PURIFY, and STRENGTHEN those very efforts FOR HIS SAKE, because HE IS Life and Love and Hope, LITERALLY. So, it is His very nature to inspire & promote & protect & sustain those virtues, AND literally every other virtue. You cannot go wrong when you are walking with Him; He MADE both you and the path of life you are traveling. It is GOD Who controls the world and guides your destiny; that truth is the DEEPEST comfort & joy!! He holds it ALL in His Hands, forever, and He cannot ever be overcome or shaken. His sovereign reign is sure. But, in a terrifying paradox, through our free will, we CAN resist it. That's the foundation of hell. DON'T GO THERE. Go where Jesus leads instead-- the Way of the Cross, of charity & joyfully willing obedience even unto death!!
Now. As for our healing. We also got soymilk. And we sipped it slow & dived in to meet that girl. She's NOT Hoban-- Hoban is similarly depressed, but more distantly, and she is LOCKED ENVIRONMENTALLY into the school she's named for! That revealed to us, shockingly so, that this soymilk girl IS TOO. She's aware that she has to go to school, and go to work, BUT SHE DOESN'T. That's a MASSIVE revelation! She is, specifically, LOCKED INTO THE KITCHEN. We honestly didn't realize that SPATIAL ENVIRONMENT LOCKS were a thing, but now that we do, they explain SO MUCH of social function splitting-- it's the same reason why we can't pass through doorframes or windows in dreams. Every marked "division" of space with a "portal" like that FORCES a context shift, and rightly so!! And nousfoni, being hyperspecialized by nature, CANNOT preserve function integrity upon such a shift; they MUST SWITCH AS WELL. That fact opens up SO much potential for memory unlocking & Spectrum discovery, because it means that EACH space WILL be exclusive, and all its anchored nousfoni will ALSO be as exclusive: kitchen nousfoni CANNOT survive properly outside the kitchen, and ALL kitchen memories/ triggers/ vibes/ etc. WILL be tied TO one of such nousfoni-- who should ALL be, inevitably, SOCIALS. Their Spectrum has GOT to be a LOT bigger than it originally was assumed to be as a result-- it's not just Brown! Heck, we think now that Brown's entire function ITSELF has changed-- it MIGHT even now be mapped as a SUBTONE BANK like Pastels??? We are SO EXCITED to discover more about this as God reveals it to us. We have real hope for healing with this. But yes! The soymilk girl is locked into the kitchen spatially, BUT she STILL experiences the COLLECTIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL AMBIENCE, another "new" Social phenomenon that is explaining so much. What that means for her specifically-- and especially, as she is the one who revealed this phenomenon to us THROUGH her experience of it-- is that although she personally may not-- and indeed will NEVER-- experience school or work or even abuse, WE ALL SHARE A BRAIN AND A BODY AND THAT AFFECTS ALL OF US. So SHE WAS FEELING THE PSYCHO-EMOTIONAL AMBIENCE OF HER FELLOW SOCIALS-- notably the ones in the most immediate context to her: our school Socials and our job Socials. She felt THEIR dread & depression & exhaustion, as if it were in the very air. She was haunted by their ghosts, and her heart ached in unconscious communion with theirs. And now, tapping into her memorysphere, WE felt it too. It was honestly shocking. There she was, in the early morning, the dawn still indigo blue outside, the kitchen stove light on & dim. She stood in front of the microwave, pouring vanilla soymilk into a bowl of cornflakes. But she wasn't physically alone, which blew our mind. Anchored just as solidly in that memory was OUR DAD, sitting at the bar & watching the morning news. He's eating something, but only conceptually-- we can't see it. He seems upset, depressed. So are we. His presence alone is a MASSIVE milestone, as it is PROOF that this memory is in 2007!! Which, also, is a shock-- we timestamp the Spectrum's birth/ awakening as 2008, yes, BUT!! APPARENTLY THE SOCIALS EXISTED MUCH EARLIER & WE NEVER KNEW. So yeah. Proof of a long-suspected truth. Nevertheless, that wasn't our goal or the point of visiting her today. We met her there to share her pain, to know & understand it, to show her TANGIBLY that she was SEEN & LOVED & CARED FOR & SUPPORTED, that she wasn't alone-- ever-- and that it was possible to heal, at last, together. So we stood with her & felt her pain together and THAT is what taught us everything I just wrote about. THAT alone is a huge revelation: that such astronomically vital revelations could, do, and will come from pure compassion. And that sharing of self & scars, that communion across chronospheres, was miraculous as well-- it planted genuine seeds of hope in her heart, soothed her misery, gave her hope, and broke the barriers of her spatial-lock to allow us in. All of our hearts opened up from this effort. Now we UNDERSTAND her context and WHY her memory-triggers hurt so melancholocally. They still ache, yes, but now it's bittersweet; now there's hope, the knowledge that her limited existence (until now!) HAS a purpose, HAS a future, HAS its proper and vital place in the Spectrum's history as a whole. And she can live, knowing that the soymilk isn't al there is. That's... so, so important. I wonder how it will change tomorrow, that food data? And what it will feel like when it heals? ALSO!! What about multiple resonances? We get that with a LOT of other foods, especially childhood ones... BUT we've never known all this about the Socials before. THEY'VE never known that they are part of a "WE" before. They don't know that their chronospheres are PERMEABLE by love, or that their lives have PURPOSE and CAN continue NOW. What I'm trying to say is: even IF we find other nousfoni tied to soymilk in experiential memories, they don't know us OR EACH OTHER. ...Yet. What IF they met each other? Could they? SHOULD they? It's a massive new world of possibility for both healing & integration (of our shattered past) that we MUST pray about. That is, arguably, the MOST important step to take in this entire process: we must pray. Always & everywhere, before & during & about everything, we NEED to pray, because the SOLE source of ALL success-- AND healing AND wisdom AND love-- is GOD. HE must be our ultimate goal & guide in this entire process. Please, remember that. We exist FOR HIM, not us. Soli Deo Gloria, amen. ♥


post-lunch//


This one was an ADVENTURE, and ANOTHER milestone. I want to write about it thoroughly enough without exhausting myself, so we might resort to archivist datalogging instead of "journalist" wordiness. Here's the basics: we got a hamburger & whole milk, w/ ketchup & relish, 2 teas & 2 creamers, salt & pepper. Now of course a burger-- being such a common American & childhood food-- is GUARANTEED to carry multiple resonances. And it did-- VERY unexpected ones, tied to different textures & flavors within the same meal! Which is FASCINATING. That's why we like to stick to solo-ingredient consumption: mixing those data input triggers can be absolutely overwhelming, both mentally & emotionally-- or, it cancels itself out into empty noise. Both are horrible. But yes. The memories/ resonances this burger revealed to us were very educational & informative, but most importantly, we were able to IMMEDIATELY jump into them and do SIGNIFICANT healing IN REAL TIME-- well, within their chronospheres & resospheres, of course. But it was HUGE. The resonances we got were:
1) McDonalds birthday party burger. 9-10-11 age? Conglomerate? Upset by noise, rushing, kids partying & her left alone, expectations. She was so anxious. Wanted: to explore the playzone imaginatively, to eat & enjoy her burger at her own pace but also in community, to not feel rushed to open gifts or eat, to not feel trapped far from home, to not feel like she had to perform, for the other kids to share her interests & enjoy her company & all respect each other, for the acknowledgement of God in even that context. // What we did to meet her needs & heal the stress: everyone sat together & prayerfully, slowly, quietly ate, no one with any time limit; moved it to a local McDonalds; other kids also interested in joining & respecting her imaginative play directions as the leader; other kids interested in Pokemon & Tamagotchis & similar likes, and gave them as gifts, all playing & talking together WITHOUT noise or mania; everyone thanked God for meal & company.
2) Dad cooking burgers on the grill: Thornhurst & the "sunfish lake"; latter possibly an artificially constructed "concept memory", not literally real. No trauma, but still lingering "Dad isn't truly happy and I'm nervous/ guilty/ upset about it." That needs to be healed in future. "Fishing" construct tied to the HAT he wore = relish flavor?
3) Grandpa eating on porch; food not seen but anchored to the relish. Memories of pickle/ bologna sandwiches ("from the army") eaten there causing the resonance. The hat grandpa wore tied into previous vibescape. No trauma, no negativity. We don't "like" relish but he LOVED pickles, which we forgot! Tap into that next time; learn to like.
4) Grandma giving us dinner at kitchen bar. Ketchup & beef; hamburg patty. We were very anxious. Why? Just the kitchen?


LUNCH NOTES =
Oliver/ KN healing affected ALL other perceptions.
"They said I would hurt them" self-pity/ loathing loop
BUT "I don't want to be a dog"
AND mother trouble; self-giving never experienced;
Carnivore coping, weeping over cow giving milk/ meat,
"someone wants me to live/ cares for me so much they would give me THEMSELVES to eat"
no longer have to be a predator to survive
oliver & bloody meat = heart/ life connection corruption
SECRET EUCHARIST DESIRE!!
eating meat = compromise for lack of meaningful personal communion

+ Jesus "disobedience" teaching trick; we didn't ask permission for condiments
TRUTH = "Your free will & My plan for you are meant to COOPERATE, never overriding one another. Your picking ketchup will not send you to hell, nor will it frustrate My perfect plans for you. I work WITH you, & you with Me."

- Don't like the relish BUT it keeps resonating with grandpa = he LOVED to eat pickles, remember?? He's tied to ketchup too; he always ate tomato saucy stuff. ♥ Love you grandpa!!

+ Milk "smells like a nursery" = "smells like a MOTHER"; still TERRIFYING on some level??? BIG trauma trigger yet. We actually CANNOT overlay a "motherly figure", all those curves. It's one of our few remaining solid terrors, possibly because motherhood is INHERENTLY tied to sex. That topic is still buried & barred-off.


post-dinner//


"WHAT DOESN'T CHALLENGE YOU WILL NOT CHANGE YOU."

This one was rough SOLELY because we overwhelmed ourself beforehand, & disobeyed internal instructions during. It was humbling. But, it is only through humility & brokenness that we CAN truly grow into better people. GOD is the One Who disciplines & corrects us. Take heart.
Lessons we must learn from this:
+ We only have so much emotional & social energy/ "spoons." Obsessive journaling and extensive talking/ socializing quickly causes BURNOUT.
+ We had to unearth & disclose a LOT of trauma data today, and DIDN'T RECUPERATE. Instead we went to 2 successive groups, depleting our mental reserves & further exacerbating trauma symptoms, like dissociation & compulsive people-pleasing & manic threats. It was lethal to our internal well-being. When trauma is triggered, TAKE TIME TO COPE!!! NO SOCIALIZING. NO EXCEPTIONS. Staying externally oriented PREVENTS recovery & processing. We MUST go inside to calm down & PRAY until we are back in a safe space again.
+ When you get an external synchronistic warning, LISTEN TO IT. The devil's number was on BOTH Bingo cards-- so why didn't you STOP???
+ When you get an internal direction about a meal, LISTEN TO IT!!! We had a turkey sandwich, rosemary potatoes, & grape juice. The direction CLEARLY & REPEATEDLY told us to eat the sandwich first, but we stupidly argued our way out of it, claiming it would be "better enjoyed eaten last," and did so against orders. And WE WERE VERY WRONG. We forgot that eating potatoes solo gives us a GLUCOSE SPIKE, causing horrific anxiety attacks & tremors. Eating the sandwich first would've helped prevent that w/ the protein & fat. God, forgive our foolish & proud resistance to You!!
+ Due to mental overload, we began 5 minutes late as we were dissociating, which ALSO destroyed our first 5 minuts of meal data because our addled brain TUNED OUT and was smothering conscious input by listening to the trivia & stories. And there's NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG with those things-- it was actually really sweet to be able to hear everyone openly sharing parts of their lives, talking about education & family & music, geography & psychology & art & work & babies! And the trivia itself is actually an opportunity for gratitude to God by the same token-- it is little bits of data about this wondrous world God created & our collective human experience, both of which God protects & sustains & guides & directs. So each trivium CAN be prayerfully used as a spark for praise, IF we aren't wickledly judgmental & proud!! BUT. There is a time & a place. When we begin a meal, whether or not we detect dissociation, our attention MUST BE CONSCIOUSLY FIXED ON CHRIST. Say grace MINDFULLY, talking TO Him, NOT at or about Him only. And then ASK HIM TO GUIDE & HELP US. Then LISTEN to His loving response and OBEY HIS DIRECTION!!! He can only lead you on the BEST path!!!
+ Because of that dissociation, we blacked out ALL the ketchup & potato data. When we realized this, we panicked & asked GRANDPA for help INSTEAD OF JESUS at first. We noticed that too & were deeply ashamed. But God bless Grandpa; his response WAS to direct me TO Jesus instead, and I did, humbly & instantly.
+ We had MORAL PANIC over our rebellious potato mistake, plus the ketchup void mistake. As I mentioned, it triggered a GENUINE ANXIETY ATTACK. We felt like we had done something truly disgusting & meriting of shame & sharp chastisement, something we were awfully ashamed of & could not fix. ...but. We brought this fear to Jesus. We confessed our failure & begged His help & peace. And do you know what He said? "Do you see? Through humble repentance & trust in My mercy & love, I can transform even this mistake into an opportunity for us to grow even closer, and to teach you important lessons you could not have learned otherwise."
★ When the panic hit, the bulimia symptoms returned. That was TERRIFYING, but I am still thanking God for it, BECAUSE it revealed a breach in the wall-- a chink in our armor, as it were. We assumed, rather immaturely, that if we just "changed spatial context" we'd be fine. NOPE! AMBIENT PAIN! We just learned that today, though, but this was CONFIRMING PROOF nevertheless. One misstep, one trigger, ONE taste of our collective ache, and no matter WHO is up front, if we aren't healed enough-- which we aren't yet-- THEY WILL SWITCH OUT FOR AN UNSTABLE PAIN HOLDER. So when we panicked over food, the IMMEDIATE physiological reaction was, "we made a mistake in eating this, therefore it is WRONG, therefore it counts as POISON, therefore it will HURT US SEVERELY/ UNFIXABLY, therefore IN ORDER TO BOTH SURVIVE & ATONE, WE MUST VOMIT IT OUT OF OUR BODY. THEN we'll be safe." And our body PREPARES to! It's actually INSTINCTIVE by now, especially since it's tied to survival fear. The feeling is horrible. But the point is: IT HAPPENED. Even here, in recovery, it CAN AND WILL AND DID HAPPEN. We're not perfect or impervious. BUT GOD LET THIS HAPPEN FOR THAT VERY REASON. We needed to be greatly humbled in order to gain wisdom. We needed to harshly experience our weakness in order to be prepared for & respectful of it, AND to realize & acknowledge our GREAT NEED OF GOD. We MUST rely on HIM for healing, NOT ourselves!! Without Him we are absolutely powerless and WILL fail. It's inevitable; humans are BUILT to need God & cooperate meekly & trustingly with Him. Life is infinitely more beautiful & joyful that way.
+ We begged Jesus for peace. Admitting our sin, we prayed for His forgiveness & consolation, and implored His help with the sandwich. HE HELPED & FORGAVE. Never doubt His Goodness & Mercy towards poor foolish sinners like us!! He STILL seeks out EVERY lost sheep!!
+ HOWEVER. He didn't take away all the panic, as it still needed to serve a purpose: we needed to practice trusting Him DESPITE symptoms. "But I have overcome the world." And we WERE trusting, becoming genuinely able to enjoy & perceive the sandwich & feel deep gratitude to Him for it, feeling a spark of true joy amidst panic... but we, obviously, didn't trust enough. Our symptoms threw us off & we doubted His directions AGAIN.
+ ...We realized just how disordered dear sweet Iscah actually was, because ALL HER DISORDERED BEHAVIORS KICKED IN. Honestly, with the anxiety trigger-fall, we FORGOT that she used to drink hot sauce & creamer (from the packets!), pick sandwiches apart, lick plates & wrappers, eat tea bags, and obsess over sheer data collection. But ALL OF THAT KICKED BACK IN immediately! And Jesus WARNED us, "don't do it!!" but we were too fuzzy-brained to really listen and we pulled apart the sandwich. Just the last bit, but we felt HORRIBLE, crushed by shame. That, too, was a needed lesson.
+ Some foods DON'T have attached trauma, or attached memory. THAT IS FINE & GOOD. DON'T FORCE ANY!!!
+ BUT so far ALL foods have attached resonance, AND require some sort of healing. DO SO WITH CHRIST; alone we'll fail.
+ DO NOT FORCE OR COERCE SUCH REVELATIONS. YOU CANNOT GET TRUTH BY FORCE. Be patient. It WILL come, in God's perfect timing-- when we're ready, AND as we're ready for. Trust Him, be grateful, & PAY ATTENTION!!!
+ Also, proof of His trustworthiness & love? He USED the postmeal "potato fatigue" to give us BRAIN RESET DOWNTIME. That's the TOTAL peace we prayed for!! GOD IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS GOOD!!! ♥

THE PRISMBLOOD CATHEDRAL SYSTEM

~2000-2015+



GENERAL INFORMATION

According to our therapists, we have what is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. In our terms, this simply means that we are a multitude of individuals all residing within one physical body.
We are an unusual case however, as our System was created specifically to function internally, as this was not only our original core's "default" state of existence, but also because we experienced significant inner trauma more often than we experienced outer trauma. Because of this, most of our members rarely "front" in the body as they have no need to (their roles concern our inner life).
Due to a lack of social interaction, a rather dysfunctional family, and an all-consuming imagination, the original child grew up with a very unusual view of reality, colored by magical thinking and an ignorance of how other, non-troubled individuals functioned. As this way of life did not alter until the body was about 17, our inner world reflects this weird and wonderful perspective.
Our System runs on a set of complex but fantastic rules, which some have compared to an RPG or a video game, but which is honestly how our core individuals see the world. There is a great deal of symbolism here, as well as a great emphasis on the power of thought, and the importance of love. Despite the terrors we have  all experienced, our lives together make a strangely inspiring tapestry of growth and wisdom, a long and arduous tale that ultimately reaches a happiness we once thought unattainable. The often "fantastic" operations of our inner world only serve to compliment that, helping us all believe that nothing is impossible, and that we can all rise above and beyond the painful dregs of fear we were born from.

 

VOCABULARY
We have a large and varied vocabulary of System-related terms that are often confusing or vague to those outside of headspace, or unaware of our structure. Following is an alphabetical list of those terms, with definitions.

active: A term meaning "actively accessible or functioning." Refers to both alters and locations.

alter: Interchangeable with "headvoice."

anchor: The "purpose" of a headvoice, and a requirement for manifestation. Anchors occur when sufficient mental energy is focused on a certain quality or concept that is detached from other System members. This collected energy then coalesces into a headvoice, who then acts as both a protector and manifestation of that concept or quality, which in turn becomes their "function." Anchors can be benevolent or malevolent, and they can change, although this is a difficult process. Anchors will bond to fitting Spectrum colors if and when they become strong or important enough within the System. Also see "function."
anchor, level: The level of headspace that a headvoice typically (or exclusively) lives and works within. This level is determined by function, but is unaffected by color. Level anchors can only change if an alter's function changes accordingly (a rare and difficult process), or if they are promoted to Central.
anchoring: The process of finding, solidifying, or gaining an anchor. Often interchangeable with "manifestation" when the individual anchoring has not had a solid form prior to doing so, and gains one afterward.

archivists: Alters whose function it is to manage and distribute stored memory information to other alters. Originally called "data voices."

atonement: The process of physically scarring the body in order to "bleed out" internal corruption, as is the mandatory post-hack procedure. Atonement began in 2010 when the true motive of hacks was discovered.

atoners: Old name for Retributors.

beetles: Insects first seen in the Chthonic levels, color unknown. They appear to be benevolent, and helped save Infinitii's life.

blackspace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Blackspace deals with organics and the subconscious. It is an unending realm of raw Black energy, effectively the "cosmic womb" that every alter manifests from in both body and mind. Blackspace is "below" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, liquid black ocean with no surface or walls. It is spherical in form. It cannot be consciously manipulated. Infinitii, and possibly all daemons, are intrinsically linked to this space.

body map: Also "bodymap." The visual correlation between Headspace's vertical level structure and the physical body. Roughly, Central corresponds to the brain while the Chthonic levels correspond to the lower abdomen/ base of spine.

Blood Lotus Cathedral: A massive, lotus-shaped cathedral, originally discovered and formed as the "soulspace" of the 2012 Core. Although originally located in floatspace, it has since become the "heart" of Central City. It is a highly enigmatic location in recent times. May also be used as a collective "story" term for our System's past experiences.

bubblespace: The specific floatspace pocket that Infinitii resides in.

cathartic block: The situation in which an individual is unable to express and fully comprehend emotions. This is common with Plague infestation, or when Fogbank is fronting.
Central: A specific area of upper headspace within Central City, the first area to manifest in our entire inner world. It resembles a penthouse suite, located at the top of a skyscraper, overlooking the City. It has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for the Spectrum Cores in our System, who typically reside and work there. "Central" may also be used as a collective term to refer to those alters.

Central City: The main area of headspace: a small NYC-like city bordering an ocean and two large forests. Its geography resembles Rio de Janeiro.

Centralite: Any single member of Central.

channel: An "open path" in the mind/body that a headvoice uses in order to front, speak, or write.

chthonics: Alters that natively reside in the Chthonic level.

co-fronting: When two or more alters are driving the body at the same time.

color core: See "Spectrum core."

color realms: See "Realms."

core color: See "Spectrum core."
core: See "System core."
connection: In the proper context, this is a term for an act of intimate spiritual "bonding" between two or more individuals in headspace. This is a term borrowed from the Dream World Leagueworld, as it is essentially the same process. Connections can also vary in "color."

daemon: A heartspace creature born from the hidden shadows/vices of an individual: essentially, a manifestation of "what you are afraid of within yourself." A daemon is meant to promote total self-love and acceptance, while not sugarcoating or ignoring those darker sides. The daemon phenomenon has currently only been observed in humans within the System.

daemon realms: Isolated floatspace pockets that daemons typically reside in for the sake of safety and secrecy.

data voices: Original term for the Archivist alters.
destabilization: Existential "decay" that occurs when a headvoice loses their anchor, due to function collapse or corruption. It is often lethal.

downstairs: A term used to refer to the physical world/life outside of headspace: essentially what our body must participate in to survive.
driving: a term for the process of a headvoice directly and consciously controlling the physical body. Adopted because this often feels like driving a car or similar machine, something separate from the actual self. Interchangeable with "fronting."

ego:

a mindless conglomeration of expectations, not an actual personification or true consciousness
faceless: Literally, "without a manifested form." Most socials, splinters, and voices are faceless, and therefore very hard to identify.

faceless voices: Any headspace-originated "voice" that does not have a manifested form. Not interchangeable with 'floating voices.'

floating voices: A non-alter "voice" heard outside the head. These voices can be either helpful or actively harmful, usually the latter, yet it is often difficult to tell the difference. They may claim to be angels, demons, aliens, guides, etc. Floating voices predate the System's formation by several years. They also appear to be frightened or intimidated by System members, especially Laurie and Infinitii, and will "disappear" if such individuals make themselves known.

floatspace: Any visitable place in headspace/heartspace that has no fixed location, or which exists specifically in a non-physical place. These locations are frequently "self-contained" and very small.

fragment: …

See "splinter."

neutrality splinter. conscious in trauma or meltdowns. goal is to simply exist of the world
unhinged, emotionless, deep inspiration drive, possible alternate creation ability, silent, fragile, strange, detached, connected. despite unsettling demeanor, feels universally, completely open
fronter: A headspace individual who regularly fronts in the body, or if used in the active sense, the current individual doing so.
fronting: When a headvoice directly controls the body as its presenting consciousness. Interchangeable with "driving."

function: The role which a headvoice is sworn to fulfilling. Headvoices with unstable or unclear functions can die from the lack of stabilization, while those with "function overload" may corrupt to an equally lethal extreme. Also see "anchor."

function, inborn: A function that was inherent in an alter upon their manifestation.

function, inflicted: A function that was bestowed upon an alter after their manifestation. This is rare, and most frequently occurs when destabilization and/or anchor slippage occurs.

function overload: Occurs when an alter takes their function to a destructive and/or malevolent extreme, resulting in slippage and possibly destabilization.

Fusion:

ghosting: When an outspacer "half-appears" in the physical realm, as an intuitively perceptible being, in order to accompany the current fronter (typically a Core). Headvoices can also do this, but it must be learned, and it is difficult for them to remain ghosting for long.

graves: The series of 42 linear scars up and down the body's forearms. They were the first retributive actions taken, when it was discovered that hacks were destroying the creativity tied to the Leagueworlds, effectively "aborting" potential worlds and individuals before they had a chance to manifest. Laurie mandated that every hack from then on must be followed by a scar-- a "grave" for those lost as a result.
hack: A malevolent and typically traumatic attack from inside the System. Hacks can be either physical (forced fronting and abuse of the body) or non-physical (psychological warfare, induced nightmares). The term itself refers to both the brutal, sudden pain and terror of such incidents (i.e. "to deal cutting blows"), and the technological slang of "breaking into (a server) from a remote location to steal or damage data." Hacks are always perpetrated by corrupted individuals, most notably Julie (in the old timelines) and Sharona.

hack, dream: A hack that occurs while asleep, during a nightmare. Typically bleeds over into the body, but this can be prevented if a benevolent force intervenes in-dream.
headspace: The huge inner world we all reside in. It is a catchall term for all locations within, as long as they are related to the System. As of 2014 the term "heartspace" is now used to refer to Central's active living location, while "headspace" refers to the inner world at large, and Central prior to 2014.
headvoice: A non-corporeal individual born from headspace, within headspace. This term is interchangeable with the common DID term "alter."

heartspace: A replacement term for "headspace," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly indicate our function and purpose, as opposed to the hackers and floating voices.

heartvoice: A replacement term for "headvoice," used after the reset attempt in Dec 2013. It is meant to more properly distinguish between alters and the floating voices. It is usually used to refer to Centralites.
holder: Also "slot holder." Used to refer to any headvoice that is anchored to a color slot.

insects: Also "bugs." The myriad of insects that have been observed within our System, on multiple levels. Their purpose is unknown. They can be either benevolent or malevolent.
inspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world is a Leagueworld. See "outspacer."

invisible audience: A humorous term referring to the theoretical "readers" of our online posts.

Jewel: A prestigious title given to the Cores in our System that have connections to Dream World.
Jewel bloodline: A collective referral to the many artist fronters that have held the "Jewel" title in some way. This "bloodline" of function began in 2002, and has continued through at least four other individuals since then. The phenomenon itself is tied to the Leagueworlds and as such we know little about it.
johnny-nighter: A term referring to a night when we do not sleep, and instead stay awake typing nonstop until 5 or 6 AM. Sleep after that point is optional. Coined in 2009, a reference to the JTHM comic quote: "I don’t sleep; I have better things to do."

kything: A term reverently adopted from Madeleine L'Engle's books, this refers to a non-verbal, almost "spiritual" manner of communication between headspace individuals. It allows emotions, perceptions, and similar inner feelings to be shared instantly, on a level of intuitive understanding, and without the struggle of vocabulary translation. It is only possible if one is open to it.
Leagueworld: An inner world outside of headspace, which is intrinsically separate from it, and which the Jewel bloodline functions to learn and write about. There are approximately 15 of these Worlds to our current knowledge, including Dream World and Rosewindow. It is not impossible for individuals from Leagueworlds to interact with the System (e.g. Mister Sandman), but such individuals are usually reality-jumpers, and/or are similarly unhindered by their native universe limits.
Lightraye: The formal collective subtitle for both our System and the Leagueworlds (e.g. "Lightraye League," "Lightraye System"). It is also used as a surname for those in key positions there.

lilies: Flowers associated with Infinitii. Their current purpose is unknown.

limbo: "The grayish void between realms upstairs." Possibly actual Grayspace. Rarely used term, but refers to a legitimate location.

Links: Mental/spiritual connections formed between two or more individuals in two or more different worlds, "linking" them across space and time.
"When Jewel was younger, his consciousness would 'branch out' rather uncontrollably. Because of this he'd often 'catch' the vibrations of same-level individuals outside our system (i.e. media sources), effectively creating a sort of energetic bridge for them to enter headspace if they so wished. Few individuals were able to enter, though, and even fewer were able to stay. Those who did exhibited a peculiar sort of "resonance" with our inner energy field that effectively made them just as much a part of this system as we are, and may even be mandatory for such a scenario."

Lotus Cathedral: The "Leagueworld" title for our System; essentially, what we call the "story" of our lives. Originally synonymous with "Blood Lotus Cathedral."

Lower headspace: The level of headspace immediately below Midspace, but above the Underground. It holds "triggered" alters who are not destructive.
manics:

manifestation: The process of forming or solidifying a body within headspace.

massacre: A term referring to one specific reset event on December 28th 2013, in which Cannon and Jessica attempted to kill every existing headvoice and therefore destroy the System. It was nearly successful-- active headspace was nearly razed, and both active Cores were presumed dead. The System did survive but regeneration has been an arduous process, as we are effectively starting from base zero this time.

metainomen:

metainomenai: Plural form of “metainomen.”

Midspace: "Middle headspace." The level of headspace at 'street level.' It is effectively neutral, and holds alters who are passively benevolent. Social alters of such function may also appear here.
midspacer: An alter who natively resides in Middle Headspace, or "midspace." During the early days of the Spectrum this term instead referred to all outspacers/inspacers.

mindspill: A term for an archival entry written mostly via the A.P., enabling for rapid cycling of "authors" without the stress of having to front or enter the body to do so. Mindspill entries are rarely capitalized, may not contain grammar, and typically jump between several topics without necessarily concluding any.

Mirror Oasis (Room):

mistranslation: A term referring to circumstances upon which a certain experience and/or expression cannot find a fitting outlet and is forced into another, often harmful context. Typical in hacks.

old girls: Any of the destructive and/or malevolent alters that existed prior to Jewel becoming the core. Typically refers to Jessica or Jezebel, but also includes several faceless voices.

original child: The unidentified, possibly unsalvageable individual that assumedly lived in this body prior to headspace's inception. S/he may exist only in broken pieces of alters by this point.

overlay: Occurs whenever a headvoice fronts in the body. It is an intuitive "mask" of the headvoice's actual appearance, superimposed upon the physical form to decrease dysphoria and increase coherent functioning. Considered a sort of "personal identification" as fronters can often be retroactively identified by looking ath their overlay records. Only faceless voices do not emit overlays.
outspace: Physical, body-experienced reality, i.e. anything outside of headspace. Also called "the waking world."
outspacer: An individual residing in headspace whose native world exists outside of headspace, typically from a media source. Also called "walk-ins," along with inspacers. These individuals are similar to "soulbonds" in multiple systems, although we do not often use that term. They differ from headvoices in both role and behavior, and are not inherently tied to the System, although it imposes strict requirements on any eligible individuals. It is not uncommon for outspacers to be suddenly blocked from entering headspace in disaster situations.

Plague: A self-aware mass of corrupted White energy, that has taken up residence within headspace. Its true age is unknown, as it did not begin evidencing until after the Tar gained its own physical form. The Plague's main vices are pride and apathy, and it appears to seek only the passive annihilation of the System-- a reset which would be unrecoverable from.

plague rooms:

(attempted hack of whitespace)

programming: Internalized subconscious behavior and/or thought processes that are typically harmful and devoid of self-awareness and personal truth.

raw headspace: The ethereal material that our entire inner world is built from. See "whitespace" and "blackspace."

realms: Also "color realms." Refers to a specific area of heartspace that is dedicated to alters of a specific Spectrum color. This is a post-massacre phenomenon and as such, not much is yet known about it.
reset attempt: An attempt to annihilate the System, with or without hope of regeneration.

reset: A "successful" reset attempt. None have been permanently successful, but all have had serious and often traumatic lasting consequences.

resurrection: The phenomenon in which a 'dead' alter is suddenly brought back to life. This can only occur at the will of the System itself.

Retributor: An alter whose main role is to deliver atonement. Collectively "Retributors."

roses:
Scratch: A term which refers to one specific hard-reset event that occurred on February 24th 2013, in which our current fronter attempted to annihilate the entirety of headspace, and return to a pre-trauma mindset. Although ultimately unsuccessful, the Scratch attempt had such severe and permanent consequences that we now refer to our current time as "post-Scratch," and the time before the 24th as "pre-Scratch."

slippage: Also "slipping." Markedly out-of-character or corrupted behavior, which occurs when an alter begins to lose their anchor or corrupt their function. This is a "warning" phenomenon and it is not lethal unless allowed to continue unchecked.
slots: Also "color slots." A term for any color in the Spectrum held by a headvoice. For example, Laurie Uberich holds the VIOLET slot. This means that her energy resonance is VIOLET, and no other headvoice can hold that exact color while she does.
socials: A casual term for a group of mostly-unidentified voices who front the most frequently, due to not having body anchors. Also called "social fronters."

soulbond: An adopted term, referring to Outspacers.
Spectrum, The: A collective term for either 1. the sixteen energetic "color slots" that define the function of our System, or 2. the headvoices in our System that are anchored to these color slots (as such it does NOT include faceless voices).

Spectrum core: The main hue of each Spectrum color slot. There are sixteen: Red, Brown, Orange, Yellow, Lime, Green, Aqua, Sky, Blue, Indigo, Violet, Pink, Cerise, Gray, White, and Black. Each color has approximately six main subslots. Also "color core" or "core color."

spiders: Insects of the Yellow realms. They are typically malevolent.
splinter: A zombie-like alter that has "broken off" of another, typically a Core. They are not truly conscious, having no true anchor or sense of self, and may instead become puppets for the Tar/Plague. This phenomenon was recognized in 2011, although it existed for some time prior. See "fragment."

splintering: The negative process in which a core "breaks" into two or more separate individuals, due to trauma or forced compartmentalization.
"We thought she was born from my 'lost' energy, optimism, childhood innocence, and kindness, but that had never really been lost. I had splintered. The real me HAS all of that, the me talking right now IS all of that! I never lost it. Thanatos and Fragment are a median system. It scares me, I won't deny that, but now I understand why I splintered like that. Laurie's motivation is to keep me safe and bright, above all else. And in my past, I didn't know what that entailed. So I broke myself into pieces without realizing it, because I didn't think those pieces could safely be part of me."

stabilization: The adjustment period immediately following an alter's manifestation, during which they become less "impulse" and more of an individual.

sub-hue: See subslot.

subslot: A Spectrum hue of a certain color that is not the Core color. For example, Gold is a subslot of Yellow. Also "sub-hue."

System Core: An alter who acts as the "main consciousness" for the System, ideally fronting whenever possible and acting as a focal point for the System's well-being. Central is dedicated to the aid and assistance of the current Core. Cores tend to change every 2-3 years, or after a sufficiently traumatic event.

System, The:

It may also be used as a general collective term for all the alters in headspace/heartspace.
Tar: a self-aware mass of corrupted Black energy, that has taken up residence below active headspace. It is assumed to be the second true member of our System, having been created simultaneously with Julie, and eventually overtaking her, due to the highly negative circumstances of their joint manifestation. The Tar ceaselessly perpetuates pain and trauma within headspace, as it needs these things in order to survive. Although it rarely acts directly, it frequently uses others for its own ends, either through forced control or psychological warfare. Even so, it has created a splinter named Jezebel for the sake of direct interaction. The Tar almost exclusively targets Jay and Infinitii, our Cores, since they directly threaten its existence, and any damage to them harms the entire System.

tar rooms:

(originally hacked into blackspace!)

thanatos drive: The "death drive" experienced by damaged Cores. (Cannon era only??)

exists solely to destroy the self. highly abusive. unable to interact. goal is to end personal existence

death drive. conscious in high stress. almost always conscious after hacks
entirely destructive, disconnected, purposeless, positive incomprehension, violent, driven, retributive, hopeless, angry

 

timeline: …

timeline, dead: …

trigger: …

Underground:

A specific level of lower headspace that contains very dangerous individuals, and so is not easily/ typically accessible.
upstairs: A casual term for "everything non-physical/ inside (our head)," for when more specific jargon would be baffling.
voices: A term for the faceless "voices" heard by fronters in the body, which may or may not ever anchor into actual headvoices. Voices are frequently manipulative and/or malevolent. Interchangeable with "floating voices."

walk-in: The original term for "outspacer." Taken from the fact that they all "walked in" to headspace from the physical world.

whitespace: One of the two realms of "raw" headspace; Whitespace deals with inorganics and the conscious mind. It is an unending realm of raw White energy, effectively the "blueprint" that all of headspace manifested from. Whitespace is "above" the bodymap and so it does not exist in any fixed location, but it can be visited, resembling an endless, luminous white space with a floor but no walls or ceiling. It is cubic in form. It can be limitlessly manipulated, but will only take on fixed shapes or forms, otherwise it will appear inert. In the early days of headspace, this is all that existed of our inner world, until Central manifested around 2009.

Xanga session: Slang for a stream-of-consciousness conversation held by two or more alters within headspace and written to a computer in realtime. Named after the website on which we originally hosted these conversations. These sessions typically last several hours.
…: …

…: …

…: …

 

LEVELS OF HEADSPACE
We have identified several distinct "levels" of headspace.
It's easiest to think of the first five in a vertical fashion, but space doesn't quite work that way up here.

CENTRAL (UPSTAIRS)
This level refers almost entirely to Central City, the "hub" of our inner world. The landmark of this city is a skyscraper-like building referred to simply as "Central." This building is where the core-anchored headvoices reside, as it has been stabilized into a sort of "safe space" for them.
The inhabitants of Central are all tied to proper System function, especially the maintenance of the System itself and the care of its myriad inhabitants. Their anchors reflect the core energy colors. Laurie is the protector of the Upstairs, and by her own extension, the entire System as well.
MIDDLE HEADSPACE
Often "Midspace."
We referred to this level as "downstairs" for a while, but that became confusing as "downstairs" actually refers to physical reality for us, so we dropped this double usage.

LOWER HEADSPACE

Lower headspace is more strongly connected to raw consciousness than Central or Midspace; as a result it is typically fluid and highly mutable, with few 'fixed' areas. Lowers frequently work with the Undergrounders.
UNDERGROUND
Refers to a level of headspace below Central City, thought to be virtually inaccessible prior to 2012. The main habitable areas of it resemble basilica cisterns, and/or cathedral cloisters. Deeper, less hospitable areas resemble caves or catacombs, and often have an eerie red glow. At least one such area appears infested with massive insects. Exploring the Underground is highly dangerous and not recommended, as the Tar also resides there, albeit in a currently-unknown location. The exact size and extent of the Underground is unknown. This level also does not seem to follow the same rules of space that upper levels of headspace do.
The inhabitants of the Underground are all tied to trauma on some level. Their anchors may be coping methods, preventative actions, or the trauma itself. Knife is the protector of the Underground.

THE CHTHONIC LEVELS
Refers to a level of headspace below the Underground, which we were not aware of until 2014.

We know very little about it, at it is highly inhospitable, and those residing there are not welcoming of intruders or visitors.

This level is very organic in structure, resembling a massive cave formation. Its main area consists of a large underground body of water.

FLOATSPACE
Small "pocket locations" of headspace that are self-contained in raw headspace. Leon's cathedrals were the first example of such places we became aware of.

RAW HEADSPACE
Technically not a "level" at all, raw headspace does not even hold a mappable location. Rather, it is a term to refer to the "unformed" areas of headspace, blank white expanses of infinite potential. It is not impossible to enter them, just very difficult. Raw headspace can also be seen whenever a location begins to deteriorate, or when a location is not fully formed. This is what the entirety of headspace was until approximately 2002, when it began to solidify into the beginnings of the Downstairs.
Jay is commonly seen as the "protector" of raw headspace, as he is the White slot holder, and therefore has the most influence over it.

DAEMON REALMS
…
INFINITII'S BUBBLE
An entire level unto itself, the Bubble is literally a small, tangible sphere of encapsulated headspace. It was created by Infinitii in February 2013, and it is where he resides. Jay wears it as a necklace, attached to a silver chain, at Infinitii's behest. He has also procured a similar physical necklace in the waking world, for the sake of fronter interaction with Infinitii.
The Bubble is highly unique, as it is a floating level, and therefore exists within whatever other level it is brought into. It is bigger on the inside than on the outside, although upon entering it one will appear to "shrink." The inside is shaped like a large dome, and from within it one can still perceive the outside world as through translucent glass above. This fact can be used to produce a bizarre "recursive reality effect" if Jay enters the Bubble, as the view from "outside" will therefore reflect the interior. Lastly, the Bubble can only be entered or exited at Infinitii's command, as it exists for the sole purpose of keeping him safe from danger as long as the Tar still exists.

 

 

ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this is not often the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.
As of 2015, sixteen different color slots have been identified. Each of these has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.

THE SPECTRUM
Due to the very substance of headspace being organized into colors, it is only fitting that those who were born from it exhibit connections to those same hues.
This phenomenon of color functions is the most pervasive aspect of our inner world, and as such it is difficult for us to fully grasp. Furthermore, since headspace itself exhibits its own strange sort of consciousness, the Spectrum itself is no exception. It shifts and evolves of its own volition, sometimes dramatically, according to what is needed for headspace to function properly. No one has been able to manipulate or otherwise influence the behavior of the Spectrum, not even the cores. Perhaps this is for the best, as it exhibits a wisdom in its silent management that we could only guess at ourselves.

The Spectrum itself is the groundwork of our entire System. It serves to organize and maintain proper order in headspace, making sure every headvoice has a proper role.
Each Spectrum color has one "core slot," which reflects that basic hue (the core slot of Red is Red). It also has several "sub-slots," which include shades and tints of that same color, and whose functions reflect variations on that color's basic energy (sub-slots of Green include Sage and Jade).
Ideally, all headvoices hold a color slot. Most headvoices manifest already anchored to a fitting color, thanks to energy resonance: if their function or origin is clear, they will naturally reflect whatever color matches it most closely. This is seen most often with Core slot holders.
However, not all individuals in headspace are part of the Spectrum. Faceless voices and outspacers must find solid anchors/functions before they can become part of the Spectrum. Nevertheless, all non-Spectrum individuals still display a sort of "resonance" with one or more colors; it is simply clarity that they lack. Once clarity of function is found, individuals naturally gravitate to a fitting color slot.
Black & White energies are unique as they inherently hold all other colors within them, and they are also the only colors capable of existing in a solidly corrupted state (the Tar & Plague). Negative B/W qualities CAN bleed over into any other slot, or infect more directly through temporary "possession" (e.g. Julie and Laurie both having some Black abilities), but this poses a high risk of often-fatal destabilization to those affected. Positive B/W bleedover is more subtle, usually only manifesting in powerfully specific but heartfelt situations (Soul Forms, the Angel Helmet).

A headvoice in a core slot will not only reflect the basic attributes of that energy color, but they will also act as a guardian of that energy within headspace, and all those who use it. All core slot holders typically reside in Central headspace due to their important roles. Sub-slot holders will still reflect attributes related to that core energy color, but not as strongly.

When a headvoice anchors fully into a color, their eyes and hair will match it. Any discrepancy in an anchored headvoice's eye/hair color, as opposed to their actual slot, is a telltale sign of their anchor splitting, migrating, or failing. The only exception to this rule are those in the Monochrome slots (Black/White), as they can naturally mirror any slot in the Spectrum if they so wish, and this inevitably changes their eye color.

(disclaimer for the following list: many of us went missing after the august reset. nevertheless this list includes the most recent holders.)
(C) = Central ... (D) = Downstairs ... (U) = Underground ... (M) = Midspacer... (L) = Lower... (O) = Outspacer ... (H) = Core ... (X) = ???

BROWN
CORE: Spine Hypomone (C).
BEIGE: held by Aimee (D).
TAN: possibly held by the "siren" (D)
RUSSET: held by Jayce (D).
SPICE: held by Spice (D).
CHOCOLATE: held by Overload (D).
BISTRE: held by "The Bear" (U).

RED
CORE: Javier Anastasi (C). Previously Jewel Lightraye (all). Accessible by the Monochrome holders.
BLOOD: held by Razor (U).
CRIMSON: held by Eros (X).
CHERRY: held by Zwei (D).
RUBY: held by Jewel (D,H).
MAROON: held by the "dead red" voice (D).
CADMIUM: held by Cannon (X).

ORANGE
CORE: held by Lynne Stabelle (C).
VERMILION: held by Algorith (U).
TANGERINE: held by Hyakin (M).
CORAL: held by Amara (M).
PEACH: held by Kalisha (M).
GAMBOGE: none.

YELLOW
CORE: held by Josephina Bellameire (C).
AMBER: held by Genesis Apolymis (I).
VANILLA: held by Sylvain (U?).
GOLDENROD: held by Marigold (L).
GOLD: none.

GREEN
CORE: held by Nathaniel Victoire (C).
SAGE: held by Sergei (M).
JADE: none.
OLIVE: none, previously held by Bridget (X).
LIME: held by Cel (D, H).
CHARTREUSE: possibly held by "the oni girl" (D?).

AQUA
(the lineup of this slot is still unsteady)
TEAL: held by Emmett (D).
MINT: held by Minty (U).
AZURE: held by Einsatz (D).
AQUA: held by Chaos 0 (O).
OCEAN: held by Garrison (M).

BLUE
CORE: Waldorf Kalliope (C).
SAPPHIRE: held by the "navy singer" (D).
SKY: held by Kyanos (M).
SLATE: possibly held by the Gent (D).
CRYSTAL: none, previously Nathaniel Victoire (C).
POWDER: none, previously held by Missy (X).
NAVY: none.

INDIGO
CORE: held by Leon Kiasi (C).
ICE: held by David (U).
DUSK: held by Ryman Saikaras (O).
SMOKE: possibly held by the "airport voice" (D).
MIDNIGHT: none.

VIOLET
CORE: held by Laurie Uberich (C).
PURPLE: held by Markus Barashir (O).
LAVENDER: held by Xenophon Lephise (I).
LILAC: held by Christina Marie (U).
MAUVE: held by Isadora (M).
PLUM: none.

PINK
CORE: held by Julie Enantios (C).
CLARET: held by Knife (U).
CERISE: held by Mulberry Delta (U).
SUGAR: held by Sugar (U).
ROSE: held by Jeremiah (U).
VICTORIAN: held by an unknown female alter (U?).

MONOCHROME (BLACK/WHITE)
BLACK: held by both the Tar (X) and Infinitii Eternos (H).
WHITE: held by Jay Iridos (H).
SILVER: held by Mister Sandman (I).
GRAY: held by Sherlock (M).
STORM: none.


Chaos 0's current slot (originally Cyan, then Aqua) is currently unknown, as his manifestation changed dramatically post-reset. Assumedly it is of the Teal lineup.

Julie, Bridget, and Missy technically do not have solid anchors, as the latter two are splinters and Julie is infected by the Tar. However, they CAN hijack actual color cores, and have done so in the past in order to "lock out" people trying to anchor into them: Julie as Pink, Bridget as Green, and Missy as Blue. This hijacking has had negative long-term effects on all three of those slots, and those who hold connected sub-slots.

Jezebel and Sharona, two malevolent voices, seem to hold Black slots by virtue of their strong connection to the Tar. It is unknown whether or not they are capable of existing apart from it, especially since Jezebel is a splinter as well.

It is unknown whether or not the Spectrum has any opinion on the massive number of faceless/ nameless voices currently making themselves known thanks to therapy. We suppose time will tell.

 

 

 

SPECTRUM ENERGY COLORS
Our entire inner reality runs on several different colors of "energy," i.e., the ethereal stuff that makes things exist and function up here. By extension, this energy is inherently tied to the life of all beings native to headspace as well.
Ideally, these multiple colors should all function in harmony, with no corruption or manipulation within. Unfortunately this was not always the case, since the System and headspace itself were both created from trauma. We are moving beyond this, but it is a complex process.

As of 08-23-2017, twenty-six TENTATIVE different color slots have been identified:

 

BROWN, INFRA?, RED, BLOOD, VERMILION, SUNSET, ORANGE, AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, EVERGREEN, AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE, NAVY, INDIGO, PURPLE, ULTRAVIOLET?, VIOLET, PINK, MAGENTA, CERISE, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK, CHAMPAGNE?, GOLD, SILVER, BRONZE? GLASS? MULTICOLOR????

---------------------------------------

OLDER NOTES:

 

The four "monochrome" colors can be grouped into one, leaving a total of sixteen. (two 8 point stars)

There are also SEVEN distinct color trios:

 

RED, VERMILION, ORANGE, AMBER,

YELLOW, LIME, GREEN, AQUA,

CYAN, SKY, BLUE, INDIGO,

PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

--OR??--

 

CERISE, RED, VERMILION, ORANGE,

AMBER, YELLOW, LIME, GREEN,

AQUA, CYAN, SKY, BLUE,

INDIGO, PURPLE, VIOLET, PINK,

BROWN, GRAY, WHITE, BLACK.

 

And there are EIGHT distinct color pairs:

 

RED, CYAN,

VERMILION, SKY,

ORANGE, BLUE,

AMBER, INDIGO,

YELLOW, PURPLE,

LIME, VIOLET,

GREEN, PINK,

AQUA, CERISE,

BROWN, GRAY,

WHITE, BLACK.

 

 

BROWN is placed at the beginning with the REDS as it is the "BASE" hue and effectively acts as the "door" between Headspace and Bodyspace.

The MONOCHROMES are a door between Headspace and Heartspace.

 

 

Each of these hues has its own specific sort of energetic function, which pertains not only to how it works in headspace, but also how it affects the headvoices that are bonded to it in their functions.

BROWN
Attributes:

ELEMENTS: bone, earth, stone
It is connected to bone and earth and stone, to the physical anchors of life itself.
Headvoices who hold this color seem to hold a strong connection to the physical body, and/or what it experiences.
Instability in Brown manifests as
...

RED
Attributes: purpose, creativity, drive, audacity,
- It is strongly connected to creativity, blood and the life force.
- Headvoices who hold this color seem to invariably be "artists" in some way. They have a drive to creatively express themselves, through any outlet they deem proper.
- Instability in Red manifests as rage, hedonism,
- The Red color is arguably the most mysterious in the System, as it was originally tied ONLY to the Jewel bloodline. When Jay, the most recent host-piece, permanently moved out of it in mid-2013, the slot was emptied for the first time since the System's inception.

…

 

VERMILLION
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Vermilion manifests as
...

ORANGE
Attributes: composure, kindness, hospitality, amity,
Headvoices who hold this color seem to work as "balancers," keeping emotions stable and healthy but not suppressed.
Instability in Orange manifests as
...

 

AMBER
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Amber manifests as
...

YELLOW
Attributes: vitality, power, confidence, 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Yellow manifests as
...

 

LIME
Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Lime manifests as
...

GREEN
Attributes: balance, healing, peace, compassion
It appears to be strongly connected to the natural world, notably vegetation and insect life.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Green manifests as
*Due to Bridget's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Green seem to have a high risk of traumatic resets. Nathaniel has infamously died four times (due to either murder or stabilization failure; he was Blue AND Green though), the Sage voice was brutally killed shortly after manifesting, and Cel's identity was in shreds for years.

…

 

JADE/ EVERGREEN
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as
...

AQUA
Attributes:
Oddly, it appears to be connected to simple self-care, and a more childlike mindset.
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Aqua manifests as
...

 

CYAN

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Cyan manifests as

…

 

SKY

Attributes:
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in Sky manifests as
...

BLUE
Attributes: communication, joy, innocence, hope
- It appears to be connected to the sky, and to reflections (not water, just reflections).
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Blue manifests as the inability to speak, depression,
*Due to Missy's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Blue have a high risk of dying. Nathaniel, Waldorf, and Kyanos have all experienced death at least once after anchoring here in the past-- Nat at Julie's hands (initially), Wally from a forced anchor freeze, and Kyanos from major stabilization failure.

…

INDIGO
Attributes: truth, insight, awareness, gentleness, self-sacrifice
- Headvoices who hold this color (...)
- Instability in Indigo manifests as panic, fear, paranoia, and confusion. This was notably visible in Leon when he first tentatively anchored into this slot.
...

 

PURPLE
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

…

VIOLET
Attributes: protection, truth, spirituality, honor, benevolence, devotion, wisdom, integrity
- Headvoices who hold this color typically dedicate or devote themselves to the protection of something, either a person or an idea. They are highly insightful and are masters of diplomacy. They also seem to have an inherent and powerful spiritual side, and greatly value integrity in this sense in both themselves and in others.
- Instability in Violet manifests as purposelessness, the need to control, doubt,
...

PINK
Attributes: closeness, compassion, softness, elegance, union of opposites
- Headvoices who hold this color have shockingly dichotomous but non-split personalities, often displaying two opposite qualities or aspects without self-conflict (e.g. rage and gentleness).
- Instability in Pink manifests as hatred, spite, manipulation, and violence. All Pink voices have the potential to quickly become unstable so they are treated with caution.
*Due to Julie's corruption of this slot, all headvoices who anchor into Pink seem invariably tied to the trauma of sexual abuse, either as sufferers or preventors.

…

 

CERISE
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

…

 

GRAY
Attributes: … 
Headvoices who hold this color (...)
Instability in … manifests as

…

WHITE
Attributes: conscious, structure, order, stability, individuality, innocence, knowledge, creation through objects 
- It shows a connection to rainbows, and it displays a similar iridescence.
- Headvoices who hold this color can freely shape ANY energy, but can only work with what is given. They can change their form if they desire, but this must be deliberate and stable. They can freely edit headspace energy, but must stay within creation limits. They also can control what memories are put into the archives, although their access to the entirety of data is limited. White voices also seem to have difficulty moving through time.
- Instability in White manifests as disconnection, the inability to feel emotion, suicide
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a White core can damage the structure of headspace just as severely.

…

BLACK
Attributes: unconscious, community, mutability, mystery, potential, understanding, creation through people
- It shows a connection to the night sky, and it displays an oilslick-like iridescence. Black energy is also said to taste like sugar.
- Headvoices who hold this color have highly mutable bodies, but cannot control this well; it tends to move constantly. They can "bring out the potential" of ANY headspace energy, even beyond limits, but cannot force changes. They also have full access to memory archives, but unless something is put in there, it cannot be accessed. Black voices also seem to have difficulty moving through space.
- Instability in Black manifests as loss of impulse control, loss of self, addiction
- It is one of the two "core" monochrome energies of headspace. As such, its holders must be protected, as sufficient damage or corruption to a Black core can damage the substance of headspace just as severely.

SYSTEM MECHANICS
(aka how stuff works? its really bizarre sometimes)
...
...
It is possible for an anchored headvoice to die, and later "resurrect" without warning. This is because, if headspace has decided that individual "is supposed to live," it will actively prevent them from staying dead, or even dying in the first place, regardless of headvoice interference. The most notable examples of resurrection are Nathaniel and Infinitii, while the most notable example of nigh-immortality is Laurie.

I figured I'd put a little list together for reference.

HEADVOICES:

1. First appeared inside the mind. For example,
· Laurie first evidenced in a dream
· Josephina evidenced during a traumatic hallucination
· Nathaniel was born directly from the body's reflection

2. They have roles tied to the body's consciousness, and cannot leave headspace of their own volition. They are always present, even if this presence is unconscious.

3. They can take over the body's consciousness spontaneously, sometimes against their will (in the case of triggers).


OUTSPACERS/ INSPACERS:

1. First appeared outside the mind. For example,
· Chaos, a fictive, "walked in" to headspace and decided to stay
· Genesis appeared in the body's physical living space
· Xenophon was found in a physical sink

2. They are not tied to the body's consciousness, and can freely enter/ exit headspace as they wish; it is not uncommon for them to leave for days.

3. They can only use the body's consciousness if given explicit permission, and a very strong mental channel. Even then, they cannot be "triggered," nor can they "front" in the same way a headvoice can.

Most importantly, outspacers can "walk around" in physical reality, being seen clairvoyantly. This ability is natural to outspacers, but it has to be taught to headvoices, who find it extremely difficult.

 

 

I think Chaos just got his "metainomen."

Yes, new jargon. You know I love it. Let me explain.
Now in the Lightraye League, there are special forms, but things go a little differently in headspace. Soul Forms are one thing, but this is different. This has to do with renaming oneself in the process OF gaining that new form. Like from this moment you're a new person, like the old you "died", in this turning point. There is no literal death involved, only the symbolic kind-- if you're looking for literal death, we do have *incidents,* but that's a whole other ball game. Chaos and I have had several of those and although I would not mind another (despite the agony that they inevitably involve, the end is always transcendent), this is the same core concept of love and evolving for it and from it? Except this gives you a role, now, according to that realization, that significant and honestly sacred change of heart.
It's from "nomen," name, and "meta," meaning "beyond" or "after." It's a name you get after... you move on from what was before. Because yes, it does sound like "metanoia," one of my favorite words-- a "transformative change of being," a change of heart, really-- but it also gives the brilliantly endearing automatic-translate result of... "let's move on." To leave the old and step forward into the new, but not just you. LET'S move on, together, from what was before, into this strange and beautiful future, this transformation, this re-naming.
And... splitting it, adding an extra i, or different a, et cetera, you also can get... "then we were/are," "then let's go," and "after that/ after all."
Lastly, and what hits me the hardest… when you change the “ά” to “α”, you get… “we repent.”
It's amazing. All of it is so oddly poetic, it's really moving to me.
Yeah I love my jargon.
I also love Chaos, which is what this whole thing is about. Entirely.


But oh my gosh. You guys just... you have no idea how hard I am trying not to explode in joy over here right now.
You know how June 26th was absolutely beautiful for us?
...I think last night topped that.
I'm not even joking. Last night wouldn't have happened if not for everything we've been going through over the past two weeks, but we hit an even higher point than we did last time, and we are all kind of freaking out (in a good way) over it. Seriously, how much higher can we go?
There are many things I need to look into now, to see if they have changed or brightened in some way... whenever something like this happens, there are widespread aftereffects throughout our inner spacetime continuum. And with how incredible this event was... you know, let me just tell you what happened.

Last night. July 7th, about 11PM. I was done with physicality for the day so I was upstairs for the night, as usual. However, I was in a more lighthearted good mood than usual (I had been working on Sonic Inversion all day and made some real progress), which is rare for me. Those moods mean that I am feeling so optimistic that I'm actually joking around and having fun instead of being serious. So to keep the StH vibe going, I built a Spagonia dreamscape and so Chaos and I were just chilling out there. It got pretty hilarious after a while; I kept making inside jokes, he was teasing me right back about it, and we kept purposely finishing each others sentences, but at one point we got a little too close to be capricious and the mood just turned upside down.
Let me explain that too. Chaos once told me that, when we're together in social situations, we tend to elicit our opposite elements. Being around him brightens me, energizes me, and helps me stop being so morbid all the time. But in situations where we're already acting that way, I am the one that can tip the scales in an instant, submerging my own fire in water.
So last night, when I suddenly found myself in his arms, we ended up in the ocean.
It took me a few moments to adjust to the emotional shift, but as soon as I felt the depth of it I let him know. He was surprised at how sudden it was, but I was quickly falling even further in. This is where it gets crazy.

At that moment, I 'deconstructed' the dreamscape we were in. Effectively, what happened was that the entire area around us 'blurred out' and shifted into a vast swirl of color and thought, which I then condensed and centered around my hands (like a sparkling blue glow). I was still reeling from the total mood switch, and how incredibly profound it felt, and so I meant to immediately form a different dreamscape that would be more fitting... but as I was hesitating there, holding that creative energy and wondering what to do, Chaos did something. He asked, "can I see that for a second?" and then he reached out and took my hands.
It was a very simple, very candid action. He didn't know what would happen, and neither did I.
But the moment he touched that energy, it felt like I fell into it.
It was insane. It felt like an emotional connection, but of an entirely different caliber. More than anything, it felt shockingly intimate, as if his sudden contact with that energy temporarily bonded us at that level... I have no idea how to explain it. Either way, it was so sudden and sharp that I pulled back, tearing up, speechless. Chaos was stunned, and asked what was wrong, but I was too moved to explain clearly. Quickly, almost vaguely, I spun the empty area we were in into a sort of basilica-- I tend to form religious-looking areas when I'm unstable-- and collapsed to my knees on the white floor, starting to genuinely sob and unsuccessfully trying to explain what I had just felt. Chaos listened, visibly affected, and tried to help me figure out just what had happened. He explained that he had only been trying to help me when he took my hands like that, because although I was the main 'creator' figure upstairs, he did hold a strong amount of that potential himself. We discussed this a little more, until I could no longer handle talking. I deconstructed that dreamscape as well, and as I was holding the energy, Chaos asked if he could try taking it from me once more, to see if the same thing happened. But I was in too deep by now, and if he wanted to create, then I was going to give him as much of my own ability as I could. So when he reached out, I took his hands in mine, and without another word I pressed them to the gem on his chest.
There was an incredible transfer between us in that moment, and with a great rush of something I can't describe, suddenly we were in the same green oasis we had been in back around March 24th... the same place I had remembered how to feel amidst so much pain.
Chaos was silent for several moments after it appeared, staring at the world around him in complete astonishment. Then he realized that I was not the one who had manifested the dreamscape we were in, and it visibly floored him. But he looked... different than usual. Brighter, somehow. Unfortunately my dream-body was unresponsive at the time, huddled over in exhaustion and devoid of color for some unknown reason. My very presence seemed unsteady, like a pencil sketch in an oil painting. Chaos freaked out at this, and asked if he had hurt me somehow. I only smiled at first, too weary to speak, but he insisted. So I vaguely replied that no, he didn't hurt me, and I could still create, but I had given so much of that gift to him that it was taking a bit of a toll on me. To prove that I was okay, I manifested a small red flower in my hands, then turned it into a ball of light and 'blinked' it into the oasis, filling it with flowers and strands of crystals in the branches above. Chaos was visibly relieved but still not convinced, as I still looked badly out of sync, and so he asked if he could do anything to help me. I said nothing for a moment, but then simply straightened up and pulled him close to my heart.
I guess that was a catharsis break, because immediately my appearance went back to normal, but with a stronger sense of clarity to it. The overflow hit Chaos hard as usual, and he dissolved into tears, so I just stayed there with him for a little while until he steadied enough to ask me if I could still manifest an entire dreamscape. I saw no reason why I couldn't, so I deconstructed his and tried to think of something, but I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the time that I ended up manifesting another high, cathedral-esque room. This worried me a little, but Chaos only smiled and commented that I was trying too hard. With that, he stood up, and took matters into his own hands.
It was... incredible, watching him. I always try to create things in one glittering instant, in a burst of flame, but Chaos was almost ethereally deliberate. And while I tend to create structured, architectural landscapes, he seemed to be more gifted in natural things.
The first thing he did was bring the outside in. Where I had created lofty, terraced walls, he interlaced their balconies with ancient trees, lifting the ceiling to open sky and filtering the light with green. Then he took out the floor, leaving us standing on a white circle, surrounded by steps descending into deep water. He gave everything more depth, life, and light, and when he was finished it was no longer a cathedral but a monument to creation itself, and I was overcome with joy at the sight.
He noticed the way I was looking at him then, and I can't remember exactly what we said... but I ended up with him in my arms and suddenly we were actually underwater. Chaos was surprised and amiably asked where in the world I had brought us, and I apologized for the switch but explained that it wasn't something I could control. I was starting to actively manifest whatever I was feeling-- a side effect of my attribute-- and the deep emotions I was currently experiencing merited nothing less than complete submersion. But I couldn't keep it like that for long, as I could feel myself starting to drift as I had on the 1st... so I pulled away and tried, in that quick way of mine, to get us physically back above sea level.
I ended up creating some sort of glassy penthouse, overlooking not only an entire night-lit city but also a great ocean around it, with the ceiling once again sloping away into the night sky. But it was unstable, and I could not figure out how to organize the architecture, being entirely distracted by the brilliant maelstrom I was feeling. Chaos noticed this and said he would keep it stable for me, but then asked what I was even trying to do? Was I blindly creating dreamscapes to try and express my current state, or was I trying to accomplish something specific? I sighed quite anxiously and assured him that it was the former, and that I was just trying to form something that fit our current disposition before I disconnected too badly to make sense of anything. Chaos thought this over for a moment, then again told me to stop trying so hard, and just go with it; instead of trying to specifically form something, I should instead focus on what it felt like, and let it form itself. So I let go of the dreamscape structure, causing it to blur out into something formless but glowing around us, and it phased back into the dreamspace version of my room. I explained that I was exhausted and just wanted to talk before collapsing on the bed. Chaos laughed good-naturedly at this but did the same.
Now I have no recollection of exactly how our conversation started, sadly... but I do know what we talked about, and that's why I was referencing quest beds at the beginning of this entry.
Because if June 27th was when I first reached my highest point, then last night was when he did the same.

My first question was what it meant, exactly, now that Chaos held actual creator abilities within mindspace.
Naturally our first move was to start getting all philosophical on the symbolic implications of that... how chaos wasn't actually a state of disorder, but a divine primordial condition... and how his old title as the "God of destruction" tied into a different aspect of creation itself. It went on like that for a while, with us getting more deeply invested in the conversation as it continued, and then suddenly understanding hit me.
We were not 'creators,' in the sense that we formed something from nothing. All we were doing was manifesting that creative drive we both held within ourselves, giving form to something bright and beautiful that already existed in a different sense. We took a formless state, that great source of unlimited potential, and with our own lives we brought that hidden life into reality.
But that was only half of it. The other half was that I could not forget what I had learned about Parnassus after Wednesday had settled. Within that world, Chaos and I had been somehow exalted to almost divine status, as the actual first two creators in their cosmogony. But what had shocked me upon learning of that, was not the simple magnitude of it... it was that we did not adhere to the traditional mythological setting. He was no void, and I was no earth. We were defined as a celestial foundation by virtue of the fact that we were together.
That's when I realized what true creation really was. That's when I understood the deepest details of what I had felt and known on June 27th. That's when I recognized what I had felt when he had taken my hands only an hour ago, with the need to create as our single shared motive.
True creation is love manifested. That's all it is.
I told him this, what I finally realized, and suddenly everything made sense. In order to create, one must feel the need to create... and the need to create is unmistakable. It isn't a drive or a compulsion, it isn't a duty or an assignment. It is when the joy of life, and the absolute compassion one feels for every aspect of it, becomes so complete and powerful that one can no longer keep that euphoria to themselves. And that complete, directed overflow of selfless light is what brings something truly new into reality. We both had that potential, now we both had that ability.
And we drowned ourselves in the idea. We spent so long just expressing that, and contemplating how so much of our pasts fit into it... and then I remembered how the night before, I had been reading old poetry on dA, and had been shocked at how many pieces directly compared or even equated chaos with love. So I began to muse aloud on how that all tied together, if creation truly was love, and that tied into the cosmogenic aspects of his title... but moments after I began to speak, something in Chaos' eyes changed. Almost immediately he picked up my train of thought, tying every aspect together in a ring-- how those few basic elements tied into both of us, and into everything else, as something infinitely greater... and when he stopped, actually in tears, I knew that he understood what I had felt only eleven days ago.

By this time we were both deeply disconnected, in that fading sort of state that bridges the waking world and that of dreams, but I refused to leave just yet.
I simply could not get over just how profound that one word felt to me then... 'together.' How we could both accomplish great things alone, but even greater things when we worked as one. I couldn't stop thinking about just what I had with him, how stunningly complete it felt. Being able to give him so much, even this ability of mine, meant so much to me. It made me so blissfully happy to know just how far he'd come in the eight years I'd known him, for his own sake. Just the fact that he was part of my life made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, but knowing just what he was to me, and vice versa... now that was a whole other level.
In those moments, as close to him as I was, with everything we'd ever felt spinning through my heart like a kaleidoscope... I loved him so much. That single truth defined me in those early morning hours, lit my entire being with its honesty. I was already crying with joy and pain alike, for the exact same reason. But I still couldn't get that one word out of my mind, and with my somnolent thoughts laced with sincerity, I confessed the single thing I wanted most.
I wanted us to create something together.
...I don't think I'll ever forget how he looked at me then. The significance of my desire was staggering, and he knew it.
"Are you saying you want to...?"
But I wasn't sure what I wanted, aside from sharing that gift with him. We tried to figure it out, but could reach no final decision, other than that mutually compassionate longing. I couldn't help but wonder just how far we'd ultimately get. Were there any limits after all?
And still, that ache, that indomitable light, would not let me go.
Neither of us could stay in the waking for much longer at that point. Between the incredible progress we'd made in such a short time, and just how that was affecting us both, I felt as if I was made of molten glass. Everything started to get abstract at that time, and the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable. I don't want to sound cliched, but it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason. I don't know how else to put it.
But I was completely happy for it. Against all odds, there we were, and nothing could come between us.
I fell asleep around 1:11 and I could swear my guardian angel was smiling that night. His wings were bright yellow. He's never looked like that before, ever, and it was wonderful.

Unfortunately, I wasn't out of the woods yet.
I may have stolen a certain someone's power against me, but she has a talent for bending the rules... and when her self-centered existence is at stake, she bends as many as she can get her hands on.
Let me start by saying that I don't remember the details from my dreams that night except the end of the last one-- I was in a city that was being bombed, for the sake of 'eliminating rebels' and keeping the population under absolute governmental control somehow. However I was not human in the dream, appearing instead as some sort of luminous, lamblike anthromorph, and acting as the city's protector. I was apparently an enigma despite this; several people questioned me about my identity, but I answered light-heartedly and vaguely, explaining that I was a 'spiritual' being and so most of their questions didn't really apply to me. (I did tell one bewildered man (who asked about my ambiguous gender) that I had what he'd consider a 'husband' outside of their world-- seriously-- and that he could think what he wanted of that!)
Regardless, at the end of the dream, I clearly remember infiltrating a government building and trying to shut the system down from the inside, when I was ambushed by a small army of black-clad soldiers. Before they could attack me, though, I activated what seemed like Power Jewels on myself, but the one on my forehead turned me completely violet and sent a beam of light straight up into the sky. Whatever that was, it completely stopped my attackers and effectively ended that dream segment. Then later on I ended up on some sort of road trip with Q and Mel, but that dream ended quickly due to interference-- which is what I've been trying to say here.
In the space of eight hours, Julie tried to hack me three times. She succeeded twice, by targeting other individuals in my dreams and rerouting their pain to me. The third time I caught her and mentally threw her out of my headspace, which was shortly before I woke up.
Well, you can bet I told Laurie about that immediately.
She, Chaos and I all got together to discuss exactly what had happened the night before, both in the waking and in my dreams, and how Julie was obviously trying to undermine the progress I had made. I explained how she had managed to hack me despite our high security, and as we were trying to figure out what to do next... my boss, the Sandman, showed up.
It was a complete shock to all of us, to say the least. He apologized for the sudden entrance, but then approached me and explained quickly that yes, he was entirely aware of recent events, and upon hearing about the triple hack I had just endured he wanted to take serious measures against that ever happening again. Laurie asked him what else we could do, as security was already as high as we could get it. Sandman clarified that it indeed was, but since Julie was using my mind as an entrance point, she was able to sneak past a great deal of the blocks we had set up for typical nightmare infiltrations. And now that she was bending the rules even further, and having the nerve to hack me three times in one night, extreme action needed to be taken. My boss smiled grimly then, and simply stated: "I am, if you'll pardon my language, quite pissed off."
I swear, even Laurie's jaw hit the floor. None of us have ever seen my boss angry, even in the slightest, so hearing that sort of talk from him was a huge sign of trouble! He didn't stay much longer after that, saying that he was going to enlist the help of some of his camaraderie, to see what they could accomplish towards this end. He concluded his visit by reminding me that I was a very important individual to many (himself included), and that Julie's callous, vengeful actions against me were unpardonable in his book. With that he disappeared in a swirl of dream dust, and I was once again convinced that something huge was happening in my life.
So I'll see what happens on tonight's shift. It'll be interesting, to say the least.
(I still wish I could go lucid; I really miss the pale man and the chandelier girl!)

Lastly, later on this morning, Chaos and I spoke to Laurie in depth about last night. She was astounded, of course, but what we didn't expect was for her to actually start sobbing over it.
She kept saying how she could barely accept her role in all this... how she was our sworn protector, by virtue of being my 'psycho guardian angel,' but that she never really understood the extent of what she was protecting until this year. And now, with everything that has been happening lately, the sheer gravity of it all was really settling in... and it was really affecting her.
I don't know how else to explain the entirety of what what she told us. I'd rather discuss this in depth with her over the weekend, on Xanga, because I owe her that much. I really love her, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Also, I don't know if she realizes this, but when I said that she and Chaos were equally important to me, I meant exactly that. Yes, they're both on different levels, so to speak... but I wouldn't lose either of them for the world.
I've been incomprehensibly blessed just in having them, let alone everything else in my life. They are absolute godsends, I adore them both, and I know that no matter what happens in our futures, we'll all face it together.



...Man, I hope all of that made sense to everyone else. It got pretty convoluted.
I know I only wrote the major events, but even those were so incredible in and of themselves that even if they didn't have all the extra emotional context, they would have merited an entire entry. But of course the context is what made them so important, even if I had to keep that to a minimum for obvious reasons (Laurie can complain all she wants but I am not putting every little detail of last night online, sorry).

Honestly, I am so happy right now.
I have no idea what all of this is leading up to, but... for heaven's sake, it's only been two weeks and I have already made more spiritual progress than I can comprehend! And despite the inevitable opposition we're facing for it, I have complete hope and confidence in the future.
I need to talk about how that's affecting my closest friends, too. We seem to have some really strong synchronicity going on again, which is really amazing. And if next year starts out the way we're hoping it will... it will be beautiful. I know that for a fact.
Heck, what am I saying? At this point, no matter what happens, things will turn out beautifully.

"Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."
I know what those dark abysses feel like... and honestly, I am glad that I do. Because knowing that gives me so much more depth for compassion than I would have otherwise.
I have suffered greatly to get to this point, and I will continue to endure all things that come my way. The only difference is that I will no longer view those hardships as suffering, not absolutely.
I will survive even the darkest days, because I have a light that will never go out... I am a light that will never go out. That's all there is to it.

And when our lights are brought together, nothing can stand in our way.







I watch you in the candlelight
My head is in your hands
The neon lights have all gone down
We make our future plans

I wanted things to get better
I was in pain
I wanted you to be in my lifeline

I wanted love to get better
I'd wait in line
For something I knew that I would get to keep

Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
And I can feel it bleeding

Today is the day
That I love you

The flashing lights have gone away
Emergency has passed
The future's right in front of me
And I won't finish last